#hey don't do this in real life you'll get arrested even if you're joking

[incorrect-koopalings]

Iggy: Sweet dog you got there.

Police: Yes, this is our new drug sniffing dog.

Iggy: Still training huh?

Police: What do you mean?

Iggy:

Iggy: Never mind.

[matthewfairchildfanclub]

TSC except it's incorrect quotes and it's part 2 and it's really fucking long sorry.

Cordelia: I like your top.

James, wearing a very bright shirt: Thank-

Matthew: Thanks dude, I like you to.

_

Anna: Gender is a game and I have the cheat codes.

_

Clary, at Starbucks: Can I get a venti caramel macchiato with, uh... seven shots of espresso.

Simon, behind her: Jesus Christ, Clary, just do cocaine.

_

James: If you were to die, what would be your last words?

Matthew: Finally.

James: No-

_

Izzy, on the phone with Magnus: Is it okay if I bring my weird roommate?

Simon: Would you please stop calling me that.

_

Clary: You sure you're sober enough to drive?

Jace: Yeah, I didn't drink anything.

Clary: Okay, go get the car.

Alec: [running after Jace]

Clary: It's okay, he's sober!

Alec: HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!

_

Will: Jem, you have beautiful eyes.

Jem: You too.

Tessa: ...

Tessa: Did I miss something?

Will: I'm straight, I just like his eyes.

Tessa: You're gay for his eyes.

Will: Exactly!

Will: Wait, no

_

Lucie, walking out in a new outfit: How do I look?

Matthew: Holy shit, that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.

Lucie: Excuse you?!

Matthew: No, not you, the thing sitting beside you.

Alastair: Fuck you.

_

Magnus: You sure know a lot about the law.

Julian: I do a lot of borderline illegal shit.

_

Cordelia: Lucie! Don't let go!

Lucie, dangling from the side of the cliff: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I LET GO?!

_

Kit: I think I forgot to sleep because I was looking at memes.

Dru: If you ever wonder why you have no friends, just remember that sentence.

_

Christopher: Oh, tiddlywinks.

Matthew: JUST SAY FUCK

_

Will: Swear words are banned in this house, if you say one you'll be grounded.

Matthew: Heck.

Will: You're on thin fucking ice, kid.

_

Jace: You may not know this, Alec, but I'm a flawed person.

Alec: I do know that.

_

Dru: [reading the exorcist]

Dru: [laughs]

_

Matthew: I know you can be "underwhelmed" and you can be "overwhelmed" but...

Matthew: Can you ever just be whelmed?

James: ...

Christopher: I think you can in Bulgaria!

_

James: I think I'm in love with Cordelia.

Grace: Congratulations! You're officially the last one to know.

_

Tessa: James, what are you doing here? Weren't you making spaghetti tacos with Mattew, Christopher, and Thomas?

James: Well, I was.

Tessa: ... was?

James: Well, I- it was just getting hot downstairs because of the fire.

Tessa: THE WHAT?!

(Downstairs the kitchen is completely on fire)

Christoper, looking around while Matthew and Thomas try to put the fire out with olive oil: Oh, this isn't good.

_

Jace: Please shut up.

Simon: Well, since you asked nicely, no.

_

Will: No pain, no gain!

Matthew: But I'm in constant pain and I've lost everything-

_

Matthew: If you'll excuse me, I must attend to my evening affairs.

James: You mean drinking wine and eating gummy bears until you pass out on a chaise?

Cordelia: Or reading Layla and Majnun and crying in the bath because they didn't deserve it?

Lucie: Or shouting your own poetry from your balcony?

Matthew: All three, in that order.

_

Will: What have I told you about comparing Tatiana to the devil?

Lucie: ... that it's offensive to the devil?

_

Jamie: These people are my friends!

Jamie: I've known them for twelve hours!

_

Clary: What are we gonna do?

Simon: Don't worry, you're so small they probably won't see you.

Clary: Simon, is this really the time to be making short jokes?

Simon: Clary, it's never not the time, because just like you, life is short.

_

Matthew, drunk: Always strive to eat the stars.

Lucie, half asleep: Aren't they too hot?

Matthew: Blow on them first, idiot.

_

Cashier: Would you like your check?

Ty: If someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi, but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me.

Cashier: Sir?

Ty: I want to speak to a lawyer.

_

Magnus: If you had to choose between Jace and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you choose.

Alec: Depends. How much money are we talking about?

Jace: Alec????

Magnus: Eleven cents.

Alec: Sold.

Jace: ALEC?!!??!?!

_

Alastair: Cursing is for those who have a limited vocabulary.

Matthew: You are an audacious, ideologically unsound, captious, presumptuous, motherfucker.

_

Clary: Hey, uh, maybe we need Simon's help with this one?

Jace: I would literally rather die.

_

Cristina: Name a way to be nice to people.

Kieran: Don't stab them.

Cristina: ...

Cristina: Setting the bar a little low but I'll allow it.

_

Tessa: Where have you been?

Will: Emotional hell.

_

Kit: I made you all of you into Sims, look.

Jace: Where are you?

Kit: I'm in the grave in the backyard.

Jace:

Clary:

Jace: Put me there to.

Clary: Oh my god-

_

Emma: I have the sharpest memory, name one time I forgot something.

Zara: You forgot me in a Walmart parking lot, like, three weeks ago.

Emma: I did that on purpose, try again.

_

Matthew: Will, did you know "thot" means "thoughtful person."

Will: Really? I did not know this modern slang.

(later)

Will: Thank you for helping me with the stables, Tessa, you're such a thot.

Tessa, wheezing: I'm a WHAT?

_

Julian: [choking]

Kit: I'm trying to call 911 but the 9 button isn't working!

Dru: Just flip your phone upside down and use the 6.

Julian, stopping his choking for a second: What the fu-

_

Emma, getting in the front seat: Alright, is everyone ready to go?

The Blackthorns: Yep!

Emma: Okay, let's go.

(looks into the mirror to see Zara running after the van)

Emma: [whispers to herself] Goodbye you little shit.

_

Cordelia: What the hell is going on??

Matthew: Oh, great, you heard my cry for help.

Cordelia: You mean your girly scream?

Matthew: I MEAN MY CRY FOR HELP

_

James: The risk I took was calculated.

James: But holy shit am I bad at math.

_

Izzy and Magnus: [getting arrested at a protest]

Cop: Fake ID's, fake credit card. Got anything on you that's real?

Izzy: My tits.

Magnus: My ass.

_

[in a group chat]

Dru: Adding "lmao" does not hide your pain.

Kit: Yeah it does lmao.

_

Matthew: Excuse me, who made James the boss of the group.

Christopher: You did.

Thomas: You said, "James should be the boss".

Lucie: And then you said, "lets vote," and it was unanimous.

Cordelia: And then you made him a plaque that says, "Boss Of Us".

Anna: And put little sparkles all over it.

Matthew: ... All valid points.

_

Matthew: And once again, James and Matthew save the day.

Lucie: You didn't do anything.

Thomas: It was all James.

Matthew: We're a package deal. Everyone knows that.

_

Jem: I am not "too nice"!

Will: Jem, you apologized-

Jem: I have manners!

Will: -to the waiter who spilled soup on your lap.

_

Kit: You wanna see how hardcore I am?

Kit: [punches a wall]

Kit: Take me to the hospital.

_

Julian: People ask me how I handle the rest of my family so easily.

Julian: The truth is, I don't.

Julian: I have no control over them.

Julian: I walked into the house today and Mark shot me in the neck with a nerf gun.

_

(At a New Years Eve party)

Alec, to the TMI gang: I would like to make a toast!

Alec, raising his glass: I cannot believe we have gone through another twelve months of absolute fuckery.

Alec: Cheers!

[ga-yuu]

I thought I would have some fun! Since IkeGen’s 2nd anniversary is just around the corner, and mostly likely the next route would of Kagetoki. I was just scrolling through twitter to pass time,(because that’s my life now, since the lockdown started again!) I found something interesting!

Yeah! I missed it. So I decided to translate it now. So basically, this is the reward for making Kagetoki, the 9th best man in the Genjiden 1st anniversary election. Its called ‘Kagetoki Kagekini News.’ The newscaster, Kagetoki, will be reporting on the events of the Genji Den. So let’s start!!!!

Breaking News!! Suspect Yoshitsune and two others have been detained by a certain Karasu Tengu!

Kagetoki: “The suspects Minamoto no Yoshitsune, Nasu no Yoichi, and Musashibo Benkei have been taken into custody by a certain Karasu Tengu, the victim. The three are suspected of breaking the victim's incense burner and were planning to cover up the crime. Let us hope for a swift and severe punishment.”

Yoshitsune: "There is no room for apologies. I'm sorry, Kurama. I had no idea that an incense burner was so fragile. --Instead, let me prepare a new shiny object that you like. I don't know if I have the discernment to choose such a thing.”

Yoichi: "Hey, how come they even know that we were trying cover-up? Where did you see it?　No, actually I feel bad too. I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I'm not the only one. ......But I underestimated Yoshitsune-sama's honesty.”

Benkei: “ Yoshitsune-sama is pure and innocent. More importantly, Kagetoki, your desire for severe punishment is entirely your own personal wish!　You should be more impartial in your reporting. ...and Kurama. I'm sorry. I'll make you some tasty snacks, so please forgive us for now.”

Kurama: "You thought you could pull the wool over my eyes, you fool. I will have that new shiny object and those delicious sake and snacks. But if it's not to my liking, you'll have to know that I won't let you get away with it. ...First of all, Sueharu, bring me a list of the items you're offering.”

Sueharu: "Yes, yes, you're a product expert, aren't you? If you ask me, I'll prepare first-class products for you (at first-class prices, of course.) Oh, you're ordering everything from here to here?　That's Yoshitsune-sama and Kurama!　--Thank you again for everything.”

........................

Breaking News!!! The Two Minamoto brothers has been arrested. An epic sibling rivalry led to an explosion!

Kagetoki: "Suspects Minamoto no Yoritomo and Minamoto no Yoshitsune have been arrested. According to eyewitnesses, the two were staring at each other with their swords drawn when suddenly a vacant house in the vicinity exploded and scattered. They are suspected to be related. ...Is this a case of involvement due to an epic sibling quarrel?”

Yoshitsune: "I didn't expect to be arrested every day. But this time I plead not guilty. It is true that I myself and Yoritomo-sama were pointing swords at each other, but the explosion that followed is beyond my knowledge. ...And please don't call it a brotherly quarrel.”

Yoritomo: "You've got some nerve arresting me here. But I'm not guilty either. I ran into Yoshitsune, who was scouting in Kamakura, and I drew my sword. I saw a black shadow just before the house was blown up. I think we should investigate him first...... And don't call it a sibling rivalry.”

Shigehira: "--and why is Yoritomo-sama being arrested!　I'm not sure what to make of this, but I'm sure it's something that's going to be a big deal for the Shogunate.  ...... A mysterious black shadow, then. I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I'm not the only one who has a problem with this.”

Morinaga: "What is this feeling? When I heard that Yoritomo-sama was arrested for fighting with his brother, I naturally smiled. ...Oh, I'm sorry, can you please edit out that sentence?　I think Yoritomo-sama is going to say something to me. And I understand about the investigation. Let's do our best, Shigehira.”

..................

Further News. The real perpetrator of the explosion has been arrested.

Kagetoki: "Continuing news. The real culprit in the bombing of the vacant house yesterday has been arrested. The suspect is Abe no Yasuchika, as most of us expected. He is suspected of releasing demons throughout Kamakura. The suspect made a joking statement, saying that he had no ill will toward the demons.”

Yasuchika: "Oh no, I really didn't mean to offend you.　I was just going for a light walk and because the newly captured demon wanted to play outside. But when I saw Yoritomo-sama and Yoshitsune-sama having a sibling quarrel, I got scared and accidentally popped him!”

Ibuki: "You accidentally popped it. ...That looks like a pretty interesting toy. Hey Yasuchika, let me borrow that demon. You need a walk, don't you?　I'll take you out somewhere more exciting and with a better view.”

Akihito: "Oh dear. I don't know what kind of "exciting" walk we'll have if Ibuki is in charge. Anyway, Kagetoki, what do you mean most of us were right?　Yasuchika is such a good and honest boy. ...You think so too, don't you?”

Tamamo: "Kagetoki, you're completely right about this. If something happens, it's usually Yasuchika's or Ibuki's fault, let's just say that. ...Hmm?　You think I'm going to cause a scene?　I don't think so. Whenever I mess with you, it's always out of love, right?”

...............................

Latest News!! Kajiwara Kagetoki, the suspect has been caught red-handed. .....Huh?

Kagetoki: "Is this the last news? Well, let's end with a spectacular revelation. In fact, Yoritomo-sama looks like a *beep*, Shigehira is a *beep*, and Morinaga is a *beep*, excuse me, there seems to be some kind of regulated sound. And then came the breaking news. The suspect, Kajiwara Kagetoki, has been arrested. ...Huh?”

Kagetoki: "It seems that I am suspected of leaking confidential information. It is a shame that I am a whistleblower for the Shogunate. I am indeed a member of the Shogunate, but in this moment, I am a man who lives to report the truth. Don't worry, I will keep my revelations to a level that will avoid social extermination.”

Shigehira: "Nothing is safe!　Such an embarrassing secret of mine... I mean, why did Kagetoki-san know about that thing in the first place?　I'm afraid of his normal information gathering ability. Up until now, I've been able to rely on him because he's on my side, but I can't believe how troublesome he'll be if someone gets in his way...”

Yoichi: "Wow, this is interesting. I'd like to say ......, but I'm wondering when the target will turn on us. I'm sorry for Shigehira, but I'll pray that he doesn't get caught up in this. I'm sure he'll be happy to hear that.”

Yoritomo: "I told you to go make one last splash, but here you are. Now you are angry that Morinaga touched the glasses you dropped this morning with his bare hands and put his fingerprints on them. I'll forgive you if you want to take revenge on Morinaga personally. The only thing I don't understand is why you revealed it to me first.”

Morinaga: "Isn't it because Yoritomo-sama blew it out loud when I picked up his glasses?　But it seems that I was lucky enough to avoid being exposed. Oh, by the way, Kagetoki, here's an apology for you. Here are your new glasses!”

Kagetoki: "I will also request additional precious books from the Song Dynasty for Morinaga. ...Well, I guess it's time for me to finish. If my dog can wait properly, the news may come back to me again someday. You can wait until then, right?　--I'll see you back here someday.”