#here’s to hoping my rambling is coherent

[wintercosmicskye]

I designed Halkenna a spaceship! Say hello to the Midsummer Meteorite!

It’s a flying saucer-esque ship but more rounded. I actually got the name for it from animal crossing new horizons, its what i made Halkenna’s passport title lol (i might show that in a another post sometime). Forgot to mention this in the ref itself, but the windshield is what open and closes and how he gets in and out.

I think he was around 13 when he found the ship in the scrap yard, and almost 15 when he first went to Earth. I think the spaceship lasted until he was roughly halfway between 17 and 18 when it became too busted up to just keep repairing over and over like he had been until that point. (These are only rough estimates and may be adjusted as needed, I haven’t completely figured out my timeline yet). It lasted a surprisingly long time for something he found in a scrap yard that he repeatedly repaired over the years with various odds and ends. Despite already being a bit obsolete by the time he found it, the technology is still leagues better than Earth’s, as going 80,000 light years away is a fairly reasonable task for it. If that spaceship’s considered old and obsolete, makes you wonder just how advanced the newer and larger ships are.

For awhile he wasn’t sure what to name it, but he thought of it a little awhile after he started visiting Earth. The first time he went there was during the summer, and his landing was a bit rough. A few people (his soon to be girlfriend and her friend) had briefly seen it while it was in the sky, but from where they saw it it merely looked like a meteor/shooting star, granted a little brighter than usual (I’d like to think to she saw it first and made a wish, immediately followed by a hmm uhh wait that shooting star looked a little different actually, further followed by a loud but distant thump). He had luckily landed in a forest and not in the middle of civilization heheh, probably would have caused quite a few problems otherwise. Did she investigate that night or the next morning? I haven’t quite decided that part yet, I’m leaning towards that same night. I got from Bug Spray (the song) that her dad doesn’t like it when she’s out after dark. Either the friend she was with seemed mature enough to him for some lenience to stay out later and watch the stars, or it was a snuck-out situation. Or maybe she just managed to see the meteor and hear the thump from her window. Like I said before, there’s definitely still a few things i need to work out.

The Midsummer Meteorite had its pros and cons. It was fast and agile, but it had no built in weapons and had a lot wear and tear over time. Due to its small size, it would often be overlooked, and it was easy to hide away if need be as well as easily fit on larger ships. Friends he made over the years would sometimes tease him about his ship being “dinky,” but he didn’t really care. Halkenna is used to piloting defensively and a bit unpredictable, because of this he was often described to pilot “like a lunatic/maniac/idiot” (depending on how they each preferred to phrase it) and as such the majority of his friends refused to let him pilot their own ships.

He was devastated when the Midsummer Meteorite did inevitably kick the bucket. It was of course a long time coming, not only because of the damage and age, but since he had gotten it when he was only 13 he had grown taller over the years and the little ship became more confining and awkward to use (it was likely initially designed for a species a little smaller than himself). Like how a hermit crab eventually outgrows its shell and needs to find a new one, Halkenna too outgrew the ship on top of the damage done to it, and had to find something new.

It almost pains me a little to have had so much fun designing this spaceship only to ultimately decide it eventually has to be replaced, but not only does it ultimately make sense but it also kinda matches some of the themes present in the music project. Yknow like moving on and stuff, best summed up by Jami Lynne’s quote in the description of Ultranimboy A Letter to a Dying Star. Despite working fine earlier, for some reason im not able to paste things on tumblr so I can’t put the link to it, so here’s a screenshot of it instead:

I actually wonder now whether it might work even better if he decides to to move on from it before it officially kicks the bucket.

I like to think he keeps a few parts of it to add to his new ship maybe. Speaking of his new ship, im actually not sure what it would look like yet, and before you ask nooo its not gonna be the Mercury Retrograde from Omori. The Mercury Retrograde is cool and all, but the vagabond vigilante Galactic Love Defender Space Boyfriend and his newly adopted little brother Little Jack dont need a ship THAT big for just the two of them or any guest they might have, and there’d need to be a whole crew to man all that. I’m thinking there’s maybe a few separate rooms, at least a separate cockpit and bedroom to sleep in unlike before where Halkenna would either sleep in the seat or on the floor of the Midsummer Meteorite in a sleeping bag.

I’ll elaborate more about some of these things later, this post has already gotten quite long

I actually rambled a lot more than I meant to, especially considering all the stuff i already typed in the image itself lol. Anyways, I hope you like it ^v^

[seafoamsol]

“Is that really what you want? To go back to the way things were?”

Here's my preview for the @tf-bigbang! I got to work with the wonderful @spiderscribe, who went absolutely above and beyond during this event. You can read the fic preview [ here ]!

I can't wait to share the finished works with everyone!

[secriden]

love sea episode 2 rewatch thoughts:

in hindsight, this opening should've clued us in that this episode was going to be horny as fuck.

ok so if episode 1 was about establishing mahasamut, i think the purpose of episode 2 is really to give us a much more nuanced introduction to tongrak. what's fascinating is that the show chooses to impart this insight to us through a rather unusual medium: sex (and, specifically, tongrak's attitude about sex).

we open with kinky kinky beach sex and it tells us that tongrak is impulsive, hedonistic, and tends to give into the emotions of the moment (something that, as the series develops, he does with increasingly self-sabotaging results; eg. when he lashes out at mahasamut after the 1st run in with prin or when he runs off to appease jak when he gets fearful in episode 9).

it also tells us that tongrak is very comfortable with his physical wants and needs. sure, mahasamut kinda flusters him because he awakens desires that are more intense than he's is used to, but tongrak's still grounded enough in his sense of self that he can roll with it pretty quickly and becomes an active, willing, even enthusiastic participant. (it's not going to be his physical desire that drives a wedge between them; its going to be the emotional connection that ends up being terrifying to tongrak.)

this episode also lays a ton of groundwork to set up why and how intensely mahasamut and tongrak are drawn to each other.

a lot of it, early on, is purely physical.

mahasamut and tongrak clock that they're compatible in their (D/s) kink immediately and they embrace this with gleeful abandonment. other people have made this point a lot more clearly than i could ever hope to (see @williamrikers excellent analysis of mutrak's kink dynamic), so i won't belabour the point, but i would like to point out how thoroughly the show wants the audience to know that these two are a perfect match physically and sexually (specifically with their particular kinks) and that they are incredibly comfortable with that.

(an aside: one thing i adore about peat's portrayal of tongrak's submissiveness in the beach scene is the way he starts out being the initiator in the kiss - in the gif above, it's tongrak that grabs mahasamut and yanks him into the kiss at first - but once its clear that mahasamut is on board, tongrak is almost constantly angled up, head tipped back, responding to mahasamut's cues but making no attempt to direct whats happening. there's so much surrender in the pliant way peat holds himself as they kiss and the way he goes from pulling mahasamut into the kiss to just clinging to his torso as he lets mahasamut take control. even when he reaches for mahasamut's dick, the second mahasamut pins him down and gives him an instruction, tongrak makes no attempt to redirect and just goes with what mahasamut wants. there's just such great detail in this portrayal of surrender.)

but what makes this encounter different (from the many, many other ones they've both had) is going to be how neither of them were able to keep this connection as purely physical for very long. (this is what episode 3 is for, though, so lets put a pin in that thought.)

back to insights into tongrak's character: we also get an escalation/confirmation about how tongrak views sex (and relationships) as purely transactional. tongrak's entire backstory is grounded in the idea that 'everybody has a price' because that's what his parents showed him. to tongrak, every human interaction is about finding the right things to give (usually money in his case) to get what he wants and this has allowed him to rationalise that feelings and emotions (both his own/the other person's) don't matter.

tongrak firmly believes that as long as he's offering something of sufficient (monetary) value, he's perfectly within rights to demand what he wants without consulting mahasamut's feelings, wants, or thoughts about the matter. in fact, he thinks of mahasamut as kind of an object for his sexual gratification and/or convenience. this is why he feels no remorse about kicking mahasamut out after they have sex even though mahasamut clearly wants to cuddle/come down from the physical high together. the next morning, it never pings to him that he should be guilty about how he treated mahasamut.

(look at his face. he's such an entitled diva. i love him so much.)

not only is this attitude - in reality - a very inaccurate way to view human beings (because as a species we are creatures very much led by our emotions), but it is the source of tongrak's own dissatisfaction and unhappiness. he never acknowledges any of his own emotional needs and so cannot manage or address them in a meaningful or healthy way.

so to summarise tongrak understands and is comfortable with his physical desires but does not know how to even acknowledge his emotional ones whilst impulsively being led by them in the heat of the moment: already we can see that this is a recipe for disaster and tells an unspoken story of pain and trauma.

(i also want to mention how well mahasamut continues to respond to tongrak's specific brand of caustic entitlement. he doesn't bother making a big deal about tongrak throwing money at him, but he also never names a price for his 'services' either. he blatantly refers to tongrak as his "owner" but also makes it clear that it's not tongrak's money that's keeping him around, but rather mahasamut's own desire for tongrak. it's like he'll act in tongrak's play but he won't quite stick to the script either. its so, so effective because he doesn't trigger tongrak's fight or flight response but he's still undermining and proving tongrak's assumptions wrong at every turn. this is what allows mahasamut to worm his way behind tongrak's walls whilst simultaneously chipping away at them.)

one last little bit of (this time non-sex-adjacent) insight into tongrak: he has a great capacity for compassion. (which will, eventually, turn into love.)

mahasamut, at this point, is mostly just an incredible lay to tongrak. but already he shows care and concern for mahasamut that's separate from what he can offer tongrak. he's concerned at a (relatively minor) hint that mahasamut has been mistreated in the past and then again concerned that mahasamut will suffer the repercussions of any hit to his reputation. [note: this is informed by a backstory regarding homophobia on the island that's from Khom/Connor's story in Love Sand, but even without that insight we can see tongrak's concern is for mahasamut.] (again, this is something the show is setting up to callback to later when tongrak gets offended on mahasamut's behalf when he thinks the waiter made fun of mahasamut.)

these little glimpses give us such a contrasting perspective on tongrak compared to episode 1, where he was mostly just a rich, entitled, and fairly unlikable character. we're being shown that what we've seen so far is really a mask as tongrak's true character slowly starts bleeding through as he has more interactions with mahasamut.

and then the episode closes on heartbreak: You're aware aren't you? Love is just a figment of our imagination.

tongrak's expression right before he says this is filled with resignation and disappointment. he hates that he has to say it but he feels its his duty to burst mahasamut's bubble. he genuinely believes this and so to him he's just doing mahasamut a favour by telling him a Truth about life. for us, this is the final crack in the mask and we see just how lost and fragile and hurt tongrak truly is.

(and the way peat sells this part - the cold almost clinical look in his eyes when he says the line. the tiny pout of his lips like tongrak can't help but feel sad about it, even though he accepts it as reality. the cold, flat tone peat uses to deliver the line when tongrak's usually quite expressive and uses lots of inflections and intonations in his speech. ugh <3)

but this is also really important because this is why we, the audience, start to care about tongrak. mame takes us on this journey, sets us up to wonder why tongrak's the main character when he starts out kinda of awful and then shifts the ground out from under us by showing us his soft, wounded underbelly. we can't help but want him to be loved, now, and this is why we become invested in 'tongrak mahasamut'.

[persy-r-bozo]

DHMIS - The Yap EPIC - Red Guy

Red is so fascinating to me. He's like a tragic oddity no matter where he travels. He is monotoned and hidden despite being the largest and arguably most brightly colored one there.

I AM IN LOVE with the unable to fit in anxiety and fear thing he has as well, He's too weird for his people. too Normal for the weird freaks.

i think red truly is bonded to the other two. He cares for them and wants them to be safe and far from danger. But here's the thing, I like to think red himself thinks he is a danger to them. He wants to be there to help and comfort them but at the same time, he thinks he's not good enough, that he'll just end up hurting them in some way. Like despite the brain fog a lil voice in his head tell him over and over again he hurt them. either in a "You lead them too their doom" or a "You gave them hope when it was never possible" even "You left to help, but you just made things worse"

think he feels guilty, and blames himself for everything even though he doesn't know why. he might just be doing it out of self hatred or he might have helped Roy or was blind to things in the past he never realized or fully remembers.

That guilt makes him distant. He loves them but he wont show it out of fear for them. I think in transport this is shown perfectly.

he wants them to be in a safe town. he wants them to have friends and neighbor's. he wants them far away from that house and happier and healthier. But he clearly mentions he wont be staying with them. that he will live separately from them. And reassures yellow that it will be ok and better, i don't think he said that because he dislikes them (yeah he gets annoyed sometimes but that's normal) I think he said that because he feels he needs to be separate so they can fully live normal happy lives. and when everything starts to fall apart, he panics. he is swallowed by anxiety. that ticking time bomb finally exploded. he yells out of fear and that fear turns into anger. The keys were dangled in front of him and they were taken away.

During the campsite scene red rocks himself and hides his face a little bit, covering his mouth after telling yellow its going to be ok. He failed again, he hurt them again.

The energy i get from red is someone who cares. and tries. but he keeps failing, it keeps hurting them and that hurts him, only making him more distant.

That is interesting as well, red is truly unpredictable. that urge to help and escape can make red go crazy but it could also truly help. if he were to open up more he could clear his mind just a little bit and connect with his lil found family. But he could also break more, He could accept this world or his "role" If he's Only going to be a monster that only hurts his friends he might as well do it on purpose. get it over with. (what I'm saying is red could easily get better and bond more AND easily have a corruption arch leading him to become a darker force)- (Both possible! and honestly super interesting topics to dive into) like he has main character energy, but he is pushed by the world itself to sit down and mumble along the songs.

in short i see red as a tragic overthinking anxious mess. on the verge of breaking. and that break could help him connect or truly shatter him. (Good Cry Vs "What's even the Point")

He made himself a cage and locked himself inside it.

too bad for him there are two goobers who are determined to get inside and let him out for a walk. no matter what he thinks.

-Relationship views-

Yellow: That's his little guy, the fellow who makes him smile even though every day is a dreaded one. Red overthinks to himself, But yellow doesn't give a damn he just wants to eat breakfast and watch Tv with his Semi Dad #2! and that makes red feel better, just to hang out and be included in whatever yellas doing, and i think red tries to teach him actually good things, like cooking and cleaning. (Lil cute headcannon!! I have a small head cannon that red doesn't like Grolton and Horvis. he doesn't hate it. its just he wouldn't ever choose to watch it personally, But its yellows favorite show and it makes his mornings whenever its on, so he sits and watches it with him.)

Duck: Hes SMITTEN FR FR. I think red does Love duck. But i also think red is practically chained inside the closet. I wouldn't be surprised if his stringy puppet family or species as a whole isn't exactly supportive of anything that's not "Normal or the same" And with how duck tends to dance around some topics and how he seems to be aggressive toward anything that changes his personal life. i think red just decided that staying in the dark - so to speak- is better than potentially losing his family again. But then the fridge scene happened, Red spoke about his feelings and duck was soft and even recuperated to a degree. If we get another season i can see their relationship become more interesting.

Roy: I dont think red remembers roy, the fog and day loop stuff makes the past more so hard to remember. However i do think they were business partners or at least acquaintances, the guy you hang and drink with every two weeks and talk about your lives. HOWEVER Uh. that changed didn't it? I said this in a random post once before. but i think that if red were to see Roy again, it be one of the few times red truly gets aggressive. (I mean even in the friendship ending he sounds more like he's venting than actually throwing hands.) That he wouldn't remember Roy or what he even did, but he'd remember the feelings, the horrible Fear and Hatred mixture. Like "I don't Know you, But i know you Have to go. my Everything is screaming at me to tear you apart. i need you OUT." Plus i think its awesome when a normally quiet character gets aggressive, its awesome and scary! i can see red tearing though the walls, chasing Roy relentlessly, no matter how many times the houses foundation starts to fall on him, or how many times he gets scratched by rusted nails, he just doesn't stop. (I think it would be super neat)

Lesley: I don't think red even knows Lesley exists. Roy might have mentioned her in the past, but i don't think reds ever even seen her. But if they were to meet i think they'd be chill with each other, drinking tea and talking about those scamps downstairs, but there would be a time limit. Because its just a matter of time before Red slips and mentions how badly he wants to move them away, or Lesley slips and Implies how she's Lowkey In control of everything. and the two of them remember that their protective enemies.

[marlborohero]

I wanna talk about veronica (my oc) soo,, yeah!

Veronica is the embodiment of bitterness. She makes other people miserable for her own enjoyment, and ALWAYS pits the blame on someone else. She's always believable with her blame game, so someone's life ends up getting ruined one way or another.

she used to go to church a lot when her husband was still alive. she was actually quite happy when she was younger!! she'd be a helping hand in the community and all that jazz, but now she can't stand the community.

She was cheated on and didn't know about it until after her husband died. no one bothered to tell her despite literally everyone knowing. they didn't want to 'start drama' is their excuse.

she's polite to people in morelton, but she really doesn't like them. people call her "that depressed old widow from up the street", so that makes her bitterness worse LOL.

she's so complicated

[gemharvest]

Might not be exactly what you asked for but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go into more depth about the bf and pico drawing with the kinto pet song lyrics 🙏🙏🙏🙏 it has haunted me in a good way and I will explode without more

UR MORE THAN FINE DWWW it's easier for me to ask for prompts but I LOVE ASKS IN GENERAL I like getting to ramble. Forever and always if you see me post something and you want me to elaborate on it/ have specific questions/ literally whatever PLEASE DON'T BE SCARED TO SEND AN ASK IN !!!

okay needed that out of the way first LOLLLLL

The like. Images I get in my head when I listen to this song drive me insane like this was just me putting it into one image but I could deadass do a full PMV if I had the time.

Obvi I prefer to draw in a more Funkin'-influenced style, but esp. with how Pico is drawn I hope it's clear I was leaning into the Pico's School side of things.

(continuing under a cut because I am about to Ramble)

I don't think I was consciously thinking abt it the other night BUT at least the first verse makes me think. Of the Love Conquers All version of Pico's School. An ideal ending; Cassandra is convinced not to carry out her plan, nobody dies, Pico certainly wouldn't be Going Through It. Maybe in this ideal ending they (Pico & BF) wouldn't have split. "In this world, we're friends forever".

I also imagine it as like.. basically how the art I did ended up being. They're just black lines on a white background. Faces obscured. Maybe with some visual effects that distort things too/ some pixelation whatever. I actually think I was planning to have some parts of that pixelated but forgot by the time I was home and could draw; might have been for the best but here's a version with a biit of what I'm talking abt.

They're in a void. Separate from the real world, but happy. Stuck in a loop of the happiest time of their lives (mostly thinking from Pico's perspective with that lol). Is that not better than having to continue on in a fucked reality?

Of course, that's not real. It's just an imaginary loop of "what if"s in Pico's mind. It's a world he built for Boyf.

In this world, Boyfriend is always following with Pico, always showing him kindness and always smiling. Pico's emotions are less readable; maybe in a proper PMV I'd give him his mouth too so he can show he is at least somewhat happy, but despite being the "leader" of the two, he is much more passive, reserved. They are always holding each other's hands.

Verse 2 would be the inverse (lol), signaled by the stronger beats kicking in. White lines on black background. It's no longer the ideal world, and instead the "real world". Real, but distorted by trauma. "Inside my code, you'll always be". The world Cass built for Pico.

The bit of instrumental between verses 2 & 3 would be the Real real world, going forward to when FNF would take place; Pico and Boyfriend reconnected, through less than ideal means, though reconnected nontheless.

We're back to black lines on white background, but everything's less distorted. There's more details too, the world not just being a hazy backdrop for Pico and Boyfriend to play around in, but real.

He's different from Pico's memories, obviously, drawn now in the FNF style fully. More confident, still stupid. He has Girlfriend now.

The first 2 lines of verse 3, his imagined worlds and the real world melt together. Mixed in ways that highlight a feeling of off-ness. Everything feels strange, distorted, unreal.

The last 2 lines it's just Pico and Boyfriend hanging out alone. "All that's left is me and you/Lots of fun that we can do". Boyfriend cheery as ever, while Pico is visibly nervous-- uncharacteristic for him but we don't see if Boyfriend notices.

The strong beat kicking in again sends us back to the imagined world. The good world. But things are wrong. The real world is slipping in, things are no longer stagnant; no longer perfect. Visual distortions/ glitches worsen.

Pico could delude himself when he hadn't known where Boyfriend was; now that he's back, his world warps. No longer under his control. He is not in the lead.

The first half of the outro Boyfriend is still mostly playing along, though still seems to be growing disinterested. Pico is noticably anxious, clearly seeing how the other is no longer like a puppy at his side. Boyfriend is pulling away. Why is he pulling away, when everything's "perfect"? Why is everything going wrong. "The world I built, designed for you".

The second half of the outro, Boyfriend is now actively pulling away. He no longer looks like the idealized, young Boyfriend. He's older, a stranger, he doesn't care for Pico anymore. Pico is older now too, desperately holding on to Boyfriend. Unwilling to let him go again, first in the real world and now in his mind. Boyfriend refuses to hold his hand but Pico still grips onto his arm. Their eyes finally become visible in the imagined world.

Pico's behavior mirrors Cassandra's involvement in the second verse, though unintentionally violent as opposed to her intentional violence. He's selfish, desperate to hold on to his world; to Boyfriend. He's hurting the imagined Boyfriend in the process, but that is second in his mind to him so desperately trying to avoid a second heartbreak. Anything to keep his world together, his peace. Without it, he just has the dark.

Beyond this screen, you cannot leave Inside my code, you'll always be Endless fun that we can do In a world I built for you

In the final instrumental and as the song fades out, Pico wakes up. He's shaken, disgusted by how he acted in his mind and feeling like he's nothing but an anchor to Boyfriend, holding him back. He can't keep clinging to this false reality, nor can he pretend he's doing any good by being in Boyfriend's life again. His mind is made up.

...

LOL I hope the way I summarized The Thoughts I get paints the picture I get in my mind. I've got terminal artist brain I am imagining AMVs to near everything I listen to I am not joking; had to take a break halfway through typing this to walk around a store and I was looping KATAMARI by femtanyl for like half of it imagining an edit in my head. I can imagine anything jpeg.

I wanna very much stress that all that above would have been filtered through Pico's mind. He's not actively hurting Boyfriend, but he's fucking terrified of doing so and he feels so fucking guilty for continuing to hold on to the past they had. I guess it wouldn't be apparent from what I described but he'd also feel guilty for still having feelings for him when the other has moved on and even has a girlfriend.

His world, once his perfect escape from the anguish of his reality, corrupts as he feels worse and worse over even entertaining the thoughts. Him deciding to forget his world and, in turn, go to cut off Boyfriend for the other's sake is not based on objective reality, but an act of self-sabotage that he convinces himself to be the best outcome for everybody.

^ Literally included him doing this shit in a part of that last fic I did you can tell this is something I find interesting exploring with him.

The tone of the song too just fucking.. it adds to the eeriness I'd want out of a proper PMV of this idea. The way it's clearly an homage to the IBM 7094 singing Daisy Bell; the voice and instrumentals just feel so unnerving. Sweet and innocent on the surface, but clearly holding bad intentions. Maybe not intentionally bad, maybe misguided good even, but they are not good nor sweet nor kind. I am talking about the song on it's own divorced from it being from KinitoPET what I describe here is just the feelings it gives me in regards to my favies.

Anyways uhhhh god I could go on for hours but I've been going off for long enough I'm sorry to anyone reading this who had to sit through my insanity. My head is now lighter with this information shared tho.. I guess in conclusion: I am definitely normal and neurotypical and can be trusted to listen to music and be into my games without creating the most devastating ideas known to man. xoxo

[philtstone]

everyone who knows me knows i am deeply and chronically a movie arawen enjoyer so it will come as no surprise that i am about to wax poetic about What They Achieved With That, but i truly think one of the most brilliant decisions in film adaptation history was taking book aragorns surety and giving it to arwen to embody it on screen as visual representation of the line yet with your hope i will hope. she is his hope > she is hope > he is hope (estel) and on screen, for the viewer, he learns to carry it while also being that hope all along through her. they have always been 2 parts of the same soul.

[trashlie]

ILY FP 219 (or, The One That Went to the Top of My Favorites List)

Hehehe is that an enticing enough, non-spoiler preview for you? lol I want so badly to tell everyone WHY they should be sure to FP this episode, but I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. Not that I think knowing what’s in there will ruin it, but I think the impact of going into it without knowing is just SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL. It’s BEAUTIFUL okay? That’s why you should read it - it’s beautiful! 

Idk where to begin with this one!!!! Over 24 hours later, sorting out my emotions is still difficult because I just keep wanting to climb the walls and start shrieking lmao AAAAHHHHHHHH! 

Those of us who are patrons of quimchee’s got a little teaser for this episode - the first part was SUPPOSED to post with 218, and quimchee said that 213-219 are all supposed to be parts of one much, MUCH bigger episode, so you know, if you want to read them all together, there you go! But anyway, even getting a little teaser of it last week, this episode was still full of so much new, and even what we got to see still hit just as strong. UGH. LISTEN. 

When the music hit me and I realized what it was? As we kept scrolling and Shinae furtively snuck back in? I CRIED okay lmao I CRIED. How long has it been since Nol last celebrated his birthday? When was the last time someone made him feel special on this day? Because he sure hasn’t allowed himself to. He hasn’t spent a birthday with friends - I mean, hell, this is the first time he’s even HAD friends who mean anything - and after everything they’ve gone through, everything he put them through, to see them show up just meant SO MUCH to me. I had no doubts that Dieter and Soushi would come through for Nol, but I didn’t think we’d get to see it so soon, either. I was so concerned that there’d been no time for them to talk at the party, that Soushi’s first indication that Nol was even there at all was seeing him fall into a glass table! Finding him bleeding out in the snow. 

How harrowing it must have been for them - at least Shinae has gotten to talk to him a little, has a little more insight into who he is, why he did what he did. I’m sure, in time, Dieter and Soushi will come up to speed, whether through Shinae or Nol himself, but even now, even with them NOT knowing or understanding, I think it makes it even more special that they showed up. Nol has been there when they needed him, whether they wanted it or not. He always had their backs, had a way of making them feel like they were special, like they matter. And now they all got to do the same for him, to return that favor. As readers, we know that Nol began those relationships with no real intentions, never intending those friendships to become real, but they did, both ways. There was something about Soushi’s commentary that really did me in - about how he doesn’t have bullies coming around anymore and even if he did, he’s got a buddy whose got his back ;~; How he went from wanting to take help from no one to coming around to the weirdly insistent boy. 

I love, LOVE, LOVE how all of their gifts related to the beginnings of their relationships. Again, it’s something about how it began on false pretenses, but how it became real and came to mean something to all of them that just really gets to me! I don’t know how to articulate it, the feeling of these people who desperately needed someone, being able to be that to Nol, that even though he’s tried to push them away, to run away, even though they have no explanation for his behavior, they still are there for him when he desperately needs it. I kept waffling for a long time on whether I thought Nol was intending to ghost everyone after prison, going back and forth even as he and Shinae talked in Minhyuk’s room. “Is he telling her this because he doesn’t plan to stick around?” But especially after all of these hospital scenes, I feel pretty confident that’s not his plan. Just like Soushi and Shinae never really intended to accept Nol’s friendship and thought they were fine on their own, I think Nol may be having that moment for himself.

Or, rather, I think he’s at a crossroads and is at war with himself. On the one hand, he doesn’t believe he deserves any of this. The way he talks about his birthday is so SAD; Shinae is right, people don’t talk like that! Was it a difficult pregnancy that Nessa had with Nol? Did his birth cause her harm? Is it just the circumstances he feels guilty for? Maybe he believes she’d be okay if she’d never conceived him? Maybe it’s because of his relation to the Hiraharas? He talks about people stepping on the burger - that definitely feels like it’s about the Hirahraras, taking his existence and making him feel insignificant and wrong, like he shouldn’t exist. But it’s the way he talks about the mistreatment of the cow sent to the slaughterhouse. It sounds like that’s about his mom - which could be the most he’s ever said about her. If his birthday is the burger, then the cow that became the burger would be her, right? I still have so many questions, ngl. Nol clearly has a complicated relationship with the memory of his mother - we know his childhood, before they left home, were his happiest memories, but at the same time, he can’t speak of the happy memories, or really, her at all. I don’t think the guilt is simply that he exists, and there’s more to it, whether it’s misconstrued on his behalf or just more puzzle pieces we’re missing. 

At any rate, Nol carries a heavy weight of guilt and has denied himself any joy or happiness, has never allowed himself to ENJOY things, lest they go awry. Probably like with his mom, and like with Shinae, a connection with him seems to end in danger. Of course, that’s not true - people end up in danger because of their own choices, and the choices of those around them - but again, we are talking about the way Nol views himself and the world. I think this is a big thing, too, because I’ve been thinking a lot about identity and perception lately, but I’ll try to get to that in a moment. 

For so long, Nol has been content with his self-inflicted punishment, but then he accidentally made real friends along the way. His quest to help people went off track. And for a while, he tried to fix that. He pulled away, he stopped responding, he tried to completely and cleanly cut them off, he drew the line and let them know. But here they still stand after it all, and he can’t help but appreciate that. The way my stupid heart flipped when he hugged Dieter and Soushi and told him he loved him. That feels like the most genuine expression we’ve seen on him in a long time - and for him to be so forthright with them, to even use that word at all! This is what makes me feel certain he doesn’t intend to ghost them. Why would he tell them that if he planned to leave? Why would he accept and embrace their friendship if he didn’t want it? And that’s the thing, isn’t it? His internal war is his wants vs what he thinks he deserves. It’s the fear that he brings harm to people, but that DESPERATE LONGING for that closeness. 

Throughout ILY we’ve seen so many times Nol wanted to reach out and denied himself the opportunity, for whatever reason. Countless times he’s reached out to Shinae only to close his hand into a fist and restrain himself. All that loneliness is haunting. I think it’s around the time they went to the arcade that Nol knew these relationships were real, and it was the arrival of Yui that reminded him he can’t do this, he can’t let his guard down, he can’t indulge his desires like this. To have that taste for friendship, for what it feels like to just let go, to be around people who don’t spend all their time trying to tear you apart, to be around people who CHOOSE your company, who CHOOSE to be with you? And then to retreat? He tasted something so sweet but had to give it up.

And now, after everything he’s done, they still show up for him, they still sat by and watched over him, they still came to CELEBRATE him? How can he continue to deny himself this? How can he close his fist and walk away from it? 

But, and my god I realize this is a very verbose point lmao, the point I’m getting at is, in the same way that Soushi and Shinae refused his friendship, in the same way that they thought they were better off on their own, I think Nol is at that same crossroad - is he better off alone? How bad is it, if he indulges just a little? 

I hope he thinks long and hard about what Shinae said very early in the evening, too. Whether or not he believes he puts people in danger, it’s not his call to make. Friendship is a two-way road and they, also, deserve to make their choice, to choose him despite the danger. It wasn’t Nol that put Shinae in danger. Maybe in a convoluted way you could say so - she’d never have called on Kousuke for that favor he owed her for getting Nol to the hospital the night of the masquerade - but regardless, Yui acts on her own. I realize this is not easy for Nol to see, because of what a deep-seated belief this is, but I hope it’s something he’ll consider more and more. 

There’s so much I could write about the birthday party ALONE. How wonderful it was to see them all together again after all this time, the sweet callbacks to their beginnings demonstrating how far they’ve come, how much they mean to each other. Nol is SO loved, and I hope he learns to wear that love as a much needed suit of armor. What does it matter that his family is trash, when this, his found family, makes up for it in so many ways? What does it matter that some people chose to make him feel insignificant, when he has people who choose to celebrate him, and the fact that he’s in their lives? ;~; That little happy smile and blush he wears when Shinae pointedly tells him they want to spend this night making him feel special ;~; It fucks me up lmao like lakjfkjafkjaf I’M GETTING WEEPY WRITING THIS ALL OVER AGAIN LMAO 

NOL DESERVES TO BE CELEBRATED. HE DESERVES TO FEEL SPECIAL. He came into their lives and individually made them all better. There’s an argument to be made that it was Kousuke’s financing that made Soushi’s life better, but we know that HE chooses Nol. That his companionship with Nol makes his life better. If not for Nol, where would they even be? He deserves to be celebrated because he’s brought so much good into other lives! And he deserves a return of that, too. All the good he tried to put into the world to counter the guilt he wears, all the good he denied himself and thus brought to others. GOD. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ;~; I LOVE THEM, I LOVE THIS GANG I hope in the future we get to see more of them, now that we know how close their bond is, how much they mean to each other ;~; 

DIETER’S ORIGAMI DUCKIES AND THE LITTLE BIRTHDAY MESSAGES! THE CALLBACK TO NOL AND THEIR MORNING RUNS AND THE STILLNESS OF THE WATER AND THE DUCKIES ;~; Apologizing that these aren’t the best presents, that there’s no cake, but aren’t they? Isn’t this the best? There’s something about people spending their time and energy to create something for you that REALLY gets to me. Every time a friend hand-makes something for me, I just cry and cry lmao. Maybe origami duckies and happy birtday on a cake isn’t a lot of effort - but the point is that they TRIED. That at the last minute, they came up with something to try to return the kind of friend he’s been to them. They ARE the perfect gifts. What else could he possibly need more than to know that he is important to them and means so much? 

AND THAT WAY HE LOOKS OVER AT SHINAE, THE WAY SHE QUICKLY LOOKS AWAY, THE FLUSTERING, THE LITTLE BUTTERFLIES WE FEEL ON HER BEHALF!!!!! AUGH. 

I find it so cute and funny that Shinae was too shy to give Nol her gift at the same time, feeling that it paled in comparison to Dieter’s duckies, but personally, I think it’s right on par. Just like their messages, Shinae’s gift harkens back to the earliest days of her friendship with Nol, the orange soda she spilled on him, the fear he’s allergic to oranges lol, what she drew on his face the day following at that deli lol “You don’t suck that much” All the way back in episode 4, she told him “You’re a human first. And humans suck.” WHAT A CALLBACK!!!!!!!! Idk like, to me here gift was so on par, but also, it’s something that conveys a sense of feelings and being who she is, I don’t blame her for feeling a little shy about it.

ESPECIALLY COS MY GOD THERE’S SO MUCH SHYNESS IN THIS EPISODE MY GOD!!!!!!!! 

It’s been long established that I am here for the soft shit, the tender shit, for little stolen moments laced with intimacy, stolen little moments of calm in an otherwise turbulent storm. IT’S MY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! Dieter and Soushi on the spare bed in the room, while Shinae lays her head again on Nol’s bed, the both of them refusing to sleep. Shinae probably fears that he’ll disappear if she sleeps, that he’ll slip through her fingers; Nol probably worries that when he wakes this will be over, the calm, the good feelings. There’s something so TENDER about them trying to delay the inevitable, to stretch the last remining time. And, again, with Dieter and Soushi sleeping (god I hope Dieter is sleeping), everything that follows just feels again like a little stolen moment, just like every other moment they share together. 

The shift in Nol and Shinae’s relationship dynamic is practically palpable. How many times has she gotten flustered over his gaze this night? How many times has she been unable to hold that gaze?! I’m a sucker for this! There’s likely a number of reasons that have brought this reaction out of it. It reminds me a lot of episodes 117 and 118 with the nugget crushing hand holding and the shared music moment - how Shinae marveled over her hands afterward, how she had to go lmao hold Minhyuk’s hand to feel it out. That, and the little flashback snippet of Nol doing her make up at the formal seem to be the times that Shinae has been most affected by Nol, and I think in a lot of ways they resonate with the version of him she knows now. But that’s the other thing. She knows more than Dieter and Soushi do and through that, she’s aware of that significance and I think it’s absolutely affected her. They’ve been so incredibly vulnerable with each other all evening - Shinae being so uncharacteristic and saying so many heartfelt, sentimental things in effort to reach Nol, sharing her story about middle school, the reveal about Alyssa, the little things he’s let slip about his family dynamic. Shinae is already seeing him in a new light, and so much of it is just raw and she’s yet to have a moment to really sit down and take in everything. But also, the GLANCES, his INTENSE expressions. 

I was talking to someone on reddit about this but the thing is - this isn’t Shinae’s first meeting with Nol like this. In so many of their shared moments, this is the person he’s been, letting down his goofy mask, talking seriously with her. The break in at her apartment, the phone call after his family dinner, the scene at the wac, the breakdown on the hospital terrace, the time he gave her his extra taco. Though not as raw as this Nol, the edges softened and blurred more than he is now, she’s come face to face with this iteration of him. It’s the intensity that is so new. And lmao that intensity is what makes him so alike Rand, who made Shinae quiver LMAOOOOOO it’s so funny that this is finally catching up to her, that their appearance is finally frazzling her. But I think it’s a culmination of all of this. There’s an awareness at the tip of her tongue that she’s yet to voice, yet to confront, but she’s certainly acting on it. The stolen glances, the flustered glances away, the way she is so WHOLLY affected. 

It’s only just earlier this week, as far as the timeline goes, that Shiane realized HOW important Nol is to her, HOW scared she is of losing him, how much he means to her. Dieter used the l-word! It’s not a casual friendship. And his significance to her seems to dance along the border between platonic and romance - you can be significant to someone without it being romantic, you can be a person someone doesn’t want to lose without it being romantic. But SHE has to find that significance, she has to figure that out. All this shyness and flustering - is it the newness of this side of Nol, of all this vulnerability shared between them, or is it something more in the ways they bring comfort to each other, the ways they seem to stabilize each others’ world. I don’t think we’ve seen it demonstrated as strongly as we have with Nol, how Shinae’s presence and can center Nol and root him in the present, but I think we’ve seen a few instances of Nol being the same for her. 

This is one of those things about love and romance and friendship that fascinates me. At what point IS it romance? At what point does that friendship turn into “I want more of this I need more of this”? You can receive comfort from so many people, so at what point does it become something romantic?

And I think that’s what Shinae and Nol are toeing. Nol, certainly, is becoming more aware of that affect she has on him, the way she roots him to the present, the way she brings him much needed peace. Does Shinae realize yet the way she seeks him out? Does she realize how much peace she’s also gotten from him? 

And it seems so mutual, the way Nol gives in and indulges in the peace, the way he initiates these little moments of physicality. And it could absolutely be nothing, it could absolutely be just a casual touch amongst friends, except it’s them, and she’s flustered and looking away, and the butterflies seem to dance off the page. It’s the way he looks from her gift, loaded with what began their friendship what brought them into each other’s lives, and looks over at her trying to drown out his reaction, too embarrassed (TOO SHY!!!!!!) to see, that eyeless frame (QUIMCHEE DOES THIS SO MUCH! SO OFTEN! WHEN SHIELDING NOL’S FEELINGS!!!!!!) when he reaches over with his fingers in her hair.

HE DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT. HE COULD JUST TAP HER SHOULDER. HE COULD JUST SCOOT NEARER. BUT HE DOESN’T. IT’S HIS FINGERS IN HER HAIR, NEAR THE SCAR THAT PUT HER INTO DEFENSE MODE except she’s not, and he’s there, and she can’t look directly at him and he moves in close and it’s so INTIMATE it’s so TENDER it’s like the earbuds sharing moment except somehow even MORE because now she’s aware, NOW the fluttering is there, the stolen glances, the close proximity, the way he relaxes when he’s close to her, the way he is being so much MORE than he’s been before. 

His tapping finger and that coy, flirty, finger dancing?! The way she glances away as her finger dances towards him, on some level aware of what it means what it is a little too shy too coy, he way he hesitantly joins in and it’s something so SILLY so GOOFY such a light, light moment and GOD it’s beautifully done? You can FEEL the flirtiness of it, you can FEEL the little butterflies, the shyness and hesitation. The way Nol’s smile fades and he becomes serious before his finger hooks around hers, the way she thinks he’s playing until she, too, realizes, he’s not UGH. /UGH/ I SCREAM!!!!!!! How is it that a single finger hooked around another makes me scale the walls like this?! It’s such a small thing, but it’s so BOLD, initiating a dance even though he must be in pain! His back?! His body?! He’s not even on morphine ;~; He’s just. ENDURING IT. 

And idk, I never know what’s going through his mind. The dance she offered him that they never got to share. Something more significant than fingers dancing, something that means MORE. 

And again, that’s the thing. I think he’s so at war with himself. He’s still calling her Yoo, but he’s touching and so close and initiating that dance and he can tell himself it doesn’t mean anything, but he already knows. He already figured that out last episode. Soon he’ll be gone and he’ll be away from the people he loves, all alone again, and he’s scared to go. He still can’t bring himself to use her name, he can’t be so familiar with her - and yet is this not a more familiar way of being? I feel like part of is is that feeling of how fleeting this moment is, wanting to capture as much of it as possible, finally acting on what he wants. All those times he’s reached out only to close his fist, and this time he isn’t hesitating, this time he isn’t denying himself. This is what he wants, so he goes for it. 

Will he regret it? I hope he’s far enough beyond his point of no return that he can’t. I hope he’s acting out of clarity that if this is the case, if this is how he feels, then why shouldn’t he allow himself this. Perhaps there’s fear that when he comes back it will all be different, that this will be a fleeting dream and everyone will move on without him. It feels like the cusp of a dream and reality, where you allow yourself to indulge because soon you return to the real world, to the waking nightmare of reality and this will be all you have left to carry with you. 

It feels even more likely when he crumbles when she mentions when he returns. Perhaps it could be that he DOES intend to never come back after he releases, but idk, I guess I’m just so hopeful that’s not the case? It could be a parallel to the hug in the rain, when she asked if any of it was real and he hugged her because it wasn’t until it was and he couldn’t bear to say so. But it also feels so much like he’s afraid. The way he buries his head in her shoulder, his face hidden so she can’t see his emotions, their hands still held at their side feels so much like he’s afraid and doesn’t want to say so, wants to put on a brave face but he can’t. “When he returns” because for a time he will be away and he just had the sweetest taste of calm and when he wakes up from this dream the waking nightmare resumes, he’ll again be all alone and it’s so much harder to go back to alone when you’ve had a taste for this, when you’ve indulged. How can he go back to before, how can he face this new stage alone? 

It’s such a sad little scene, the way they’re standing together, another dance interrupted, but at the same time, there’s something sweet. Very bittersweet, I guess. Maybe it’s just because he’s too weary and hasn’t had it in him to put up the walls again, but to see him, yet again, seeking that comfort in her, allowing himself something he once would have denied himself. Allowing himself to feel his feelings and to comfort himself. 

There’s just so much that is beautiful and painful about this episode. For this to be the first time he’s felt peaceful and calm and he nearly died in order to have this moment? The knowing that he will have to leave, that he’ll have to return to feeling small and insignificant, that he has to face a new fear when he goes to prison, when this little suspended moment in time is all over. While I personally think - or hope - we’ll get to see a positive transformation from Nol while he’s locked up, thanks to the counseling he’ll be going through, it’s still hard to watch him have to leave this. I don’t want to romanticize his sentence by any means lol but I do think being away from his family, away from the people who chip away at him and tear him down, can give him so peace to confront what he hasn’t been able to. I don’t think it will be a total transformation of any kind - just the necessary first steps. Nol needs to be away from the Hiraharas, and to learn to see the worth in himself. 

I mentioned this earlier in this post, but I’ve been thinking a LOT about perception of self, and how others see us. For instance, the version of me that I intimately know, that exists to me, doesn’t necessarily exist to others. Likewise, there are people who will see me in very different ways than I see myself, and it’s not that they don’t know me well, it’s just that we all are different people to everyone we know. We’re multifaceted and shaped by our experiences, but also by our actions and how we’ve affected the people with whom we interact. 

Nol sees himself as a villain, as a monster, as someone who needs to be punished. But that’s not the version of him that Shinae knows, or Dieter or Soushi, either. To them, he’s a hero, he’s someone who does good. Shinae described him as the sun and while I think that’s partly because of his bright smile and bubbly personality as Yeonggi, I think it’s also in the way that he can make things a little better for everyone. Nol has never been able to see himself the way others see him, though, because he’s so pre-occupied with the version of himself he knows, the one that’s been so heavily influenced by the Hiraharas. That he’s a mistake, that he shouldn’t exist, that everything would be better without him. And because he can’t see those versions of himself, he can’t see that it’s not true. Shinae certainly wouldn’t be better off without him, nor would Soushi or Dieter. BECAUSE he’s in their lives, they are better off. And that’s what he needs to learn to see, to reconcile with the version of him that exists. Because sure, that’s part of him. Maybe it’s not correct, but it’s a part of his identity. But so is the version of him that exists to his friends. So is the version of him that Nana loves. And obviously, it’s not so easy to wake up to those sides, because of how overwhelming this version of him is. But I hope that time away from the people who feed into that image, with some counseling might help him start to clear that away and better see himself for who he is, all the multitudes that he is. 

Because here’s the thing - people contain a range of good and bad, that’s what makes us human. Our choices ultimately define that, but so do our circumstances. This is why I can offer empathy towards characters like Kousuke and Alyssa who have made choices that we wouldn’t consider right, but make sense for their circumstances. Nol contains so much darkness, but he also contains so much light. Maybe he’s not as radiant as Yeonggi - but maybe it’s only because he hasn’t had the chance to be. Who could he be with a break from the people who tear him apart? Who could he be away from their influence? That’s what I’m keen to see, and that’s why I think he’s not intending to leave everyone after prison - or at least not GHOST people. Maybe he does need to get physically away, go to college abroad, but that doesn’t mean he’d be abandoning his friends this time. 

Nol’s real family sucks. But this family - his found family - they can bring him the joy and happiness he deserves, even before he thinks he deserves it. Again, maybe I’m just being really hopeful, but I just feel like this is a significant, defining moment for him, hopefully the beginning of him realizing he’s allowed to indulge, he’s allowed the same comfort he’s offered to others. 

Gosh what a tangent lol I know this post would be a mess. I JUST. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS. I have sooooooo many disorganized feelings seeing Nol like this, how sad I feel how happy I feel how much my stupid heart pitter patters over his interactions with Shinae. The callback to the dance at the formal where she was so uncomfortable (BUT NOW! NOW! SHE’S NOT!!!!!!) the teasing about her dancing, and he WILL miss her. HE’LL MISS HER! UGH /GOD/ 

But boy do I hope Dieter is fast asleep lmao ;~; I don’t think Shinae or Nol are ready to face what is unfolding, but Dieter reads them so well, he’s aware of things before they are. He knows what he is, for lack of better word “competing” against, and I think maybe he even knows it’s a losing battle. He made his move and she turned him down and I think he’s accepted her friendship with grace and delight - getting to know her better, getting to grow closer to her than he ever thought. And god, isn’t it painful to watch her and know that she seems to be drawn somewhere else, that it’s nothing you can do anything about? Because Dieter loves Nol, too. He probably understands how someone would be drawn to him at all! And while I think Dieter is a character who would handle things with grace, it would still hurt. I don’t think Shinae and Nol are a thing that, if they ever happen, would do so any time soon, and by that time I like to think Dieter would be over Shinae in that way, that they’d be close friends still, that they’d be people who root for each other and want the best for each other. But for him to have that awareness NOW, ugh the pain. He’s already taken note of the way she is with Nol vs how she is with him, the way she was so overwrought when they found out about all the secrets and lies, when they found her crying in the rain. 

I DON’T WANT HIM TO GO THROUGH THAT DAMNIT ;A; 

But we are definitely at this point where it’s a little too obvious to deny, a little too obvious to look away from. Any attempt at earning Shinae’s affection feels like you’re competing with something else. Even if she’s not ready to face it and admit it yet, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Whether or not it’s romantic or not is for her to decide, but for us as readers, we know that it’s something significant, that they have a mutual effect on each other that’s undeniable. There is so much trust shared between them now - despite it all, she trusts him, and he knows now that he can trust and rely on her, too. And as an outsider, it’s just obvious that something is there, however that something is defined. It’s not a stretch to say that Nol takes a priority, that she will at this point push things aside for him. 

Even romance aside, I think this is a dynamic we’ll be seeing a lot of going forward, because Nol still is not fast to open up to people and to rely on them. Trusting Shinae like this, letting her in to this more vulnerable side, I think defines a lot of their relationship to come as they evolve. Maybe Nol will leave and go abroad and maybe Shinae will date other people in that time, but I think we’ll see that Nol maintains a special place in her heart, that will be difficult for a lot of people to compare to. How do you compare to someone who has these experiences with her, who has developed a bond through these trials and tribulations lol? 

GOD. 

I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I JUST. WANNA!!!!!!!! SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[maythearo]

HAHAHA...

Totally didnt draw ace & deuce..

IM SO SORRY IM SO ANXIOUS RN..

— 🦦

Oh a friend mentioned something similar the other day, so if you're referring to the same post that I'm thinking,

I guess the tldr is that someone posted designs for a twst monster AU as well and Ace and Deuce's were pretty similar to mine but the person didn't mention my stuff in their post or anything, so in that context it was kinda difficult to tell if it was fanart/inspired designs ooor if the person was taking credit for making up the designs as a whole 😅

Not calling out this creator or anything, because I'm totally fine with people getting into this AU, drawing my designs or even taking my designs as base or inspiration for their own takes on the canon cast, monster AU's aren't a new thing, I definetely wasn't the first person to add it to a fandom, let alone being its "owner" (this idea is not mine, you guys! It's not! I only happen to post about it a lot with twst!)

I talked about this all before but baisically the only thing I'm kinda :/ about is if in a hypothetical scenario someone took the designs that I already made and claimed it as theirs. Like, taking them as inspiration to do your own thing is ok! Just not straight up saying it was you who made it up, if that makes sense?

I don't have strong feelings about all of this, really, but I'd like to avoid is possible future drama about "X stole Y's design or Y stole X's design" because I know this sort of scenario happens a lot in fandom spaces and it often escalates to crazy heights in some social media circles lol, but you know, as long as this scenario doesn't happen it's ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And I definetely don't think this person had bad intentions at all! The thing that might confuse some people is the fact they didn't mention me on their post and that might accidentally be seen in a weird light by others? but yeah it's not their fault and as long as they didn't have bad intentions, I'm alright with it!

(Not that this is gonna happen but just in case: don't go publicly accusing or tagging people that could have done this because this sort of situation could very well just be a misunderstanding and I wouldn’t want anyone stressed or upset over it kwdnskdnsk)

[kenobster]

It's interesting to learn about identity disturbance with BPD because it really starts to explain everything. If your entire sense of self is held up by external sources (aka your friends! your environment!), then so many other things start to make sense. Like, for example, if your opinion on a character or a movie doesn't match your friend's opinion, then that's two parts of your identity contradicting each other!!! It's literally going to cause you cognitive dissonance! No wonder it's so distressing to me when that happens!!! 😖

Or another example!!! The clinginess omg. You realize it's because you practically have NO boundaries whatsoever. You've practically been begging your friends to inhabit your fucking body lmao. And obviously people can't do that (for one, physics.... but for another, people got their own bodies to deal with lol). So when they inevitably aren't around, it's like the driver of the vehicle you're a passenger in just passed out unexpectedly. No wonder you're trying everything you can to get their attention lmao — they gotta wake up and drive!!!! 😱

It's also really interesting when you start to try to develop your sense of self (in DBT, it seems to be worded as "self respect"? I could be wrong though). Like, you've spent most of your life not knowing who you are or what you want/need. And the SECOND you find that one little decision you can make for yourself? That one little kernel that's you and nobody else? Well, suddenly it's like you've got the crown jewel (XD) in your hands and the world seems to transform into this armada of invaders trying to take it from you. Like bruh. Step away. This is ME i've got here, and I'm not letting her go without a fight lmao. (Narrator voice: but no one is actually fighting her...... lol)

Anyway I feel bad for ppl who learn all this in less-than-ideal circumstances because like... I think a lot of people would probably get confused/upset/angry at the change in behavior (like someone is going from doormat people-pleaser to some sort of Napolean Boneapart world-conquerer type lol). So damn, I'm super grateful because I've been getting needlessly feisty about wanting some autonomy lately, and pretty much everyone I know has been super supportive and encouraging about it???? And that's really neat. 🥰 -feels very loved-

Anyway this has been a Ramble sorry. I just feel really good about things I've decided to do to improve myself lately, and I wanted to share lmao. I still haven't started writing as much as I had hoped I would, but like.... I'm starting to feel like ME, and I'm really happy about it. :)

[daily-terus]

[violetsareblue-selfships]

good morning!! <333

[saamaton]

hiiii many many amv ideas came to me in a dream (courtesy of brat ofc) but unfortunately, i know fuck all about editing so i figured i'd ask u creator of the brat f1 amv that lives in my head rent free !! mostly just wondering where u get clips from + how unreasonable it is to make an amv in windows' native editor (climpchamp)? thank you <3

hi anon!!!

i'll be honest i might not be the best person to ask this but i'll try my best to answer!! hope it helps at all lol <3 if anyone else has better suggestions/other good tips pls feel free to give them i'd also be happy to know them!!

so! finding clips is always the most difficult and probably the most time consuming part of making an edit for me.. but usually i just try to look for ready scene packs that all the very lovely people on the internet compile 🙏 but f1's own youtube channel also has a lot of very good content! you just have to know what you're looking for over there and you'll have to skim through a lot of other content to find the good stuff,, but their channel is especially good for racing content itself (obviously) and their videos are almost always available in 1080p which is a huge perk!! they also have some of their own compilation videos which can be very useful. and ofc teams' own social medias have a lot of content and usually their youtube channels have a lot of good video content about race weekends beyond the race (which, i think i'm stating the obvious here but yeah)! so honestly it's a bit of a scavanger hunt and you just have to be patient, especially if you're picky with the cohesion of your clips like me 😭😭

and i'll be honest with you i know nothing about clipchamp 😭 i used to use premiere pro until the free access i had to it at the time stopped and then i couldn't be bothered to find a good pc alternative.. but honestly i think it totally depends on what kind of editing style you're going for! if you have a similar style to mine i'm pretty sure most editing softwares have the capacity for that! as long as you can import clips, music and fonts and can work in enough detail (!!!) you can probably make it work with enough time!! ofc then the main differences between softwares are in the interface, intuitivity and usability so it might take a bit of trial and error, as well as getting used to, to find a software that works for you! then again if you want to use more fancy effects, transitions and tools you'll most likely have to look around quite a bit and usually free softwares don't have super great options on that front unfortunately.. there's a lot of recommendations on the internet tho so if that's the case you'll just likely have to spend quite a bit of time researching and trying stuff out but you might find something very good from people's recommendations ! (if you do pls share them with me lol)

also i can't believe i'm exposing my best kept editing secret just for you anon BUT if you're not opposed to editing on mobile i'd very heavily recommend an app called inshot, which is what i use!!! i think it has a super super impressive variety of different kinds of effects and a lot of very useful tools you don't find in every editing software! they keep constantly updating it and adding new features too, it's been heavily updated in the past couple years and seems like it'll just keep getting better! plus it's completely free, you just have to watch an ad while exporting your final video lol,,

anyways i hope you find something useful in my ramblings and i hope you succeed in your amv visions 🙏 pls let me know if you ever post any, i'd love to see them <3

[moonlight-at-dawn]

I kinda tackled these thoughts in my thread of my BtD thoughts, but I wanted to do it again on its own.

I haven't played many Tales games, but the ones I've played have all dealt with different aspects of the theme of Freedom.

Tales of Berseria was freedom to choose, even if the choice is seen as bad, even if it hurts.

Tales of Vesperia, the freedom to live as you see fit, not as others force upon you.

Tales of Zestiria, I never finished this one and it doesn't stick out in my mind strongly, but as I recall, it's freedom of life, to move around, to experience.

Tales of Symphonia, another one I didn't finish so my impression is incomplete, but freedom seems a bit more literal in this one. Freedom from bonds, freedom of thought from those that want to control it.

And now Tales of Arise, which obviously strongly tackles a very literal freedom, freedom from bonds, freedom from slavery, but that's plot more than theme. Thematically, it's freedom of choice and freedom of thought, freedom from what society says is right, to instead decide for yourself.

I really love how Arise and the DLC tackle this. The game has its hardcore shounen 'power of friendship' moments, which I'll admit I'm a sucker for, but it also feels more emotionally mature than a lot of the others. The characters seem older and more aware of their feelings, thoughts, and failings. Even the group's kids, with the guidance of the adults, do well at this.

Zephyr early on tells Alphen to be free of even his influence, to choose things because it's what Alphen himself thinks is right, not because it's what Zephyr thinks is right. And that's really important. You have to find what you yourself believe in, and stick to your convictions.

I really appreciate the lessons the game provided, about acceptance, forgiveness, and understanding. I may not agree with 100% of it, especially on topics of forgiveness for certain kinds of wrongs, but it's in a way that's easy to accept. Because the characters would accept my different view, they don't want to force it on anyone, and they don't think theirs is the One True Way. And I love that.

It's a great game with great themes, and I'm really really happy I got to play it finally~ It hit me just right~

[meatriarchived]

[ cover ] - for sender to cover receiver with a blanket / jacket / coat as they’re lying down / nosy verse... and if i said he's placing blankets on maria and johnny, | @lifesver

thunderstorms had been hitting hard the last few days. with wind whistling past the walls of the shack, it was surprising that it held so well as rainfall sung along its rooftop. outside the single window was darkened by cloud cover. glow of lightning strike hitting now and again someplace far off brightening the sky and view from the glass, and with it, the inside of the shack.

what the roof over their heads and its walls surrounding them prided in its capability to withstand the elements raging against it, it lacked in keeping warm — even with three bodies inside it.

the still air was chilled, and for the one body who still sat awake at this late hour, sitting at the table, eyes focused on the property outside as it lit up with another crack of lightning, attention was diverted at the sound of stirring atop of mattress around the corner.

johnny had gone to bed long before either of them had after having been woken up at an ungodly hour early that morning to the sound of the phone ringing. to hear mama luda on the other end. 

one of the enclosed animal pens on the hewitt property had partially collapsed due to some rather strong wind gusts, and its roof and wall slanting in on itself caused a large enough gap and spooked the pigs inside and sent them scattering all over. thomas was running ragged trying to find and catch them all while also attempting to fish out the remaining ones left in the enclosure — they could use the extra hands if possible. she was sorry for disturbing their sleep at such an hour.

and yet, the moment johnny affirmed they’d go over and set the phone down, told them both to get up — that mama luda had called needing some help — how quick leland and maria were to kick off sheets and grab sweater and jacket, pull boots back onto tired feet. 

( how strange it was, how they both had grown so fond of the older woman. like a grandmother, like a mother, they both now jumped at the chance to help her when she asked. )

they drove off in the rain, miles down the road til they finally reached the hewitt homestead.

lights all on to welcome them in the dark, mama luda standing out on the front porch, waiting for them as they had gotten out and made their way up the front steps. for her to let johnny know which enclosure it was, how many of the damned pigs were still uncounted for.

that thomas was out there still, and with annoyance in tone when questioned on his whereabouts, that charlie was already gone for the day — didn’t expect him back til dinnertime, and she knew calling him to return home would take him hours to bother.

and so, the three had gone out in the rain, in the early morning hours, to help thomas off in the back field, in the fenced in plot their animals were left to roam in during good weather. searching around for the pigs — slipping in the mud, getting caught in small pits of deeper slush.

maria and leland sprinting with raindrops clouding their vision after the creatures, spooked and panicked as they zig-zagged every which direction while they were chased down and caught, wriggling and squealing in their arms as they’d run them back to the enclosure closest to the home. while johnny helped thomas clear away the destroyed half of the other enclosure, to get in and hand off the remaining pigs inside it.

it took long enough to have done so, and by the time they had them all accounted for — two having been injured, being closest to the fallen walls — the sky had brightened considerably despite the cloud cover still remaining overhead. it was long enough for the three to be iced to the bone, for clothes to be thoroughly soaked.

by the time they made it to the back porch, peeling off boots to not track mud inside, peeling outer layers off, mama luda was ready with three sets of dry, clean clothes for each of them, with towels to dry themselves off. and with pot of soup on the stove, already cooking through and near ready for them to eat and warm themselves up with — and in the meantime, tea and coffee were already mugged and awaiting them when they finished dressing.

they had sat there, with her at the kitchen table with their hot drinks, and moments after, once soup was ready, piping hot yet very much welcomed as it warmed them from the inside out with every bite.

( it still felt a little weird, how at home it felt sitting in the hewitt kitchen with her. like how it was for maria back at her abuela and abuelo’s home in mexico, which felt like a lifetime ago. felt so…foreign now. )

they stayed for a while at the hewitts, keeping mama luda company. helping her patch up a few leaks. johnny disappearing into the basement with thomas for some time while maria and leland stayed above, helping mama luda with other little chores as they waited for the rain to let up just enough for them to make the ride back to the shack.

for johnny to leave them there and go off once again after they had arrived, to start his own chores around the sawyer property, check in at the other house to make sure if anything needed to be done there.

and as they waited for him to return, the two sat at the table in the shack, talking — laughing at the absolute mess they both had been, running around in the mud, sharing disheveled stares and looks of disbelief and exasperation at one other through the sheets of rain falling down. it had been all so hectic.

it was funny to recount moments in all the chaos to one another. of him tripping over one of the larger ones that abruptly turned itself completely around and darted back at him, at his legs without giving him ample time to react. of her grasping onto one in her arms, it twisting and flailing itself so much it whacked her across the face with its head and made her nearly drop it.

they had to find some peace and humor in something, right?

so when the rain had kicked in again, and the sky slowly darkened further as day flowed into evening and then into nightfall, the door unlocked and swung open. they looked away from one another at johnny stepping in and locking it behind him. dinner in hand, for them, muttering that he’d already eaten, he was tired, was going to pass the fuck out.

he set food down on the table in between them, and walked straight to the other half of the shack, changing as he did and kicking off dirtied boots. and then to his mattress, dropped himself down and was out like a light.

the pair at the table glanced at one another, faint smiles passed between them, and they quietly went ahead and ate. keeping voices hushed to not disturb him. about helping around the hewitt home, pointing out other little things they could possibly try to fix or clean up the next time they went over to help. noting how it feels being there, in mama luda’s company — how she reminded them both of their family back home.

how it was… nice? in a way. to have found a small piece of that here. 

( it humanized these people more…made it seem like in any other circumstance? they would have simply been an everyday, normal family. like the flores’, like the mckinneys’. ) 

reminiscing their families. how they used to sit around the table with one another, share stories of their day. of his sisters’ hobbies and school activities. of her mothers’ medical appointments, of caring for her after she’d come home from treatments. of their inside jokes and their fondest memories with them. of wondering how they were doing, what they were up to now.

( silently, they both wondered: do they miss us? are they grieving us? or have they simply moved on now? us simply a passing landmark in their rearview mirrors? )

quiet passed over them.

they watched out the window, as rain snaked down along glass pane. as distant lightning strikes started up once more. maria counted the seconds in between them, one after the other.

like counting sheep.

and before she knew it, she felt a gentle nudge from leland.

with a small smile he motioned with his head to the other side of the shack, murmuring that she should head to sleep, that her head was beginning to droop, and her eyes were starting to close.

maria voices no protest to the suggestion and simply gives a small nod, now feeling the heaviness of eyelids, the ache in her limbs from all the commotion of the morning and she stands up out of the chair, pushing it in as she points out that he should sleep soon, too. and he flashes her another smile and nods, reassuring her that he will - he’s just going to watch he rain a bit longer, and clear the table when hes done.

maria’s brow raises at him, playfully doubtful, but she returns the smile and nods, leaning down and leaving a kiss on his forehead, telling him to not to be up too late, and wishing him goodnight, before turning and disappearing behind the wall beside the table, to their mattress across from johnny’s.

where he listened as she got settled under sheets, and until he no longer heard her shifting to find a comfortable position before she, too, was sound asleep.

the rain was peaceful to watch. in the darkness of the shack. in its silence save for the sound of the rainfall on rooftop, of the wind and rumbles of thunder far overhead. perhaps it was calming enough to entice him to stay awake longer, in spite of how tired he must be.

a stir around the corner catches attention, and leland peeks around wall at maria, curled up tightly into herself on the mattress, wrapped up in sheet. and seeing her shiver realizes just how cold the shack has gotten again. he steals a glance at johnny, and sees he simply dropped himself over his own covers when he had gone to sleep.

his eyes wander up to shelves, with handmade quilts stacked on top of one another above johnny’s bed, and quietly walks over to them. carefully, he pulls one down, unfolding it and looking down at johnny before laying it over atop of him.

maria stirs a little at the sounds made across the room, of fabric unfolding and of his footfalls crossing along the floor. eyelids twitch and lashes flutter lightly, as she can feel herself waking. too tired though to want to open eyes, to lift head and see what he's doing.

leland has paused to ensure johnny isn’t woken up, before maria can hear the sounds of him pulling down another, unfolding it as well. she feels his footfalls as they cross over beside her, hears the sound of his clothes as he leans over the mattress.

she can feel his presence close by as the weight of the blanket drapes against her back.

with a little more care, leland lays it down over her. making sure she’s fully covered, making sure there’s no gaps for the cold air to snake its way through, to make her shiver again.

after glancing back to johnny, she hears him beginning to stand back straight, maria stirs and opens her eyes up at him and hand reaches out and gently stops him — knows if she doesn't, he may end up staying awake longer, exhausting himself further than she knows he already is.

still mostly asleep, face still half buried in pillow, maria softly, tiredly, whispers up at him,

“ lay down…sleep. please, lee. ”

[welcometogrouchland]

sorry if I'm bothering you but I FINALLY FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO PREFERS FTF BUT PURELY BECAUSE OF OUR LOVE FOR WILLOW (we're the only ones right about her) like yeah, it's DEFINITELY not a perfect episode but IT'S ABOUT THE CHARACTERS. and I LOVE TTT TOO BECAUSE OF LUZ but tbh I didn't like being in the fandom when TTT came out because THERE WAS SO MUCH STUFF ABOUT HUNTER, TO THE POINT WHERE PEOPLE THOUGHT HE SHOULD BE THE MC AND NOT LUZ??? I love my boy but I felt overwhelmed at all of this so him not getting too much in FTF was fine for me :)

Firstly, I'd like to say YES!! FOR THE FUTURE SOLOS!!! LITERALLY SOME OF THE BEST CHARACTER WORK, ART DIRECTION, SOUNDTRACK, BOARDING, HUMOUR AND HORROR IN THE WHOLE SHOW!!!

Secondly I'd like to say that this is SUCH a can of worms that I've held back on talking about for A While™. Tbh it kinda feels like u read my mind I was literally thinking about this this morning.

(BIG ASS RAMBLE UNDER THE CUT. I AM NOT JOKING THIS POST IS SO LONG IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY)

Both episodes are really fucking good, both on their own merit and when you take into account the circumstances under which they were made. I do not want to labour this point. I hate pitting two bad bitches against each other.

I AM however interested in investigating why, when two episodes are of similar quality, but with different priorities and focuses and (for lack of a better word) Vibe™ does the fandom demonstrably prefer one over the other?

Thanks to Them is BIG on plot. It's big on "establish what the kids have been doing, introduce Lore and Mystery, do the possession, fight the bad guy, get back to the demon realm, bada bing bada boom!!". I don't think it's nearly as relentlessly paced as some people think, and I think there are definitely emotional moments to be gleaned out of characters who AREN'T Luz, Hunter or Camilla- but overall it's similar to the most plot focused episodes of season 2. Your knock knock knocking on hootys doors and your hollow minds.

But for the future is a lot more concerned with character. Everyone gets some small moment to shine, though you're correct in saying that the focus is mostly on Luz, Willow and then probably the collector. But Camilla, Gus, Amity, Hunter, King, Eda and Lilith all get more emotional depth in a few lines than like. Willow did in half of thanks to them. even Belos gets more screentime this ep than he did in thanks to them, screentime that's much more illuminating (do love the moments he had in thanks to them but they weren't huge character moments really, just him villain-ing it up).

Less plot stuff happens, if you count the main goal as "get into the titans skull" then that's only introduced about a quarter of the way through the episode, whereas "get back to the human realm" is established as the goal of thanks to them in like. Negative screentime lmao. You basically know it's the goal coming in because you've watched king's tide already. For the future isn't like this!

And I GET IT MAN! checking in on the YouTube progress bar at the 3/4 of the way through elicited pure fear in me! But I feel like the fandoms fear of plots going unresolved and questions going unanswered has created this. Like. Attitude that the episodes need to be completely spartan or they're wasting time.

Like, with bringing back Boscha and Kikimora. Some people consider that a waste of time because they weren't Big Bads in seasons prior, meaning they should be low priority and don't belong here. And ppl are entitled to feel that way!

But I don't think you can call them wasted! Or irrelevant! I think the writers put a lot of work into making their storyline fit with the themes of the show! I have an essay I may never finish in drafts about this but- one of the most popular aspects of seasons 1 and 2 was the whole corrupt government storyline, which reached it's climax in king's tide but still had no resolution, same way hexside had no resolution from what happened after labyrinth runners. The writers combined these storylines by showing how hexside wasn't going to become a mini dictatorship like the isles old system (hence the title of the episode, changing things for the better "for the future"). That's efficient storytelling! Combining two plots into one in order to resolve both at the same time!

But people don't take this as an example of efficiency because it's not Lore or Plot based. And I think that's a real shame.

Both episodes have pacing and balance issues but I don't think one is especially egregious compared to the other? Nor do they have more pacing and balance issues than say, Clouds on the Horizon, which I'd say is one of MY least favouritely paced episodes of the show. Maybe thanks to them just had more novelty factor because of the setting (not to mention it probably benefitted from having one less subplot to juggle, but eh)

And about the fandom response after each episode....yeah. yeah.

I love Hunter. He's my baby. My scrimblo bimblo. He is like my twin brother. Literally. For reasons I cannot begin to explain here, hunter the owl house is like my twin brother.

And in all fairness to the fandom, plenty of people are normal about him. I know this because I've curated my experience to entirely be the people who are normal about him.

But the people who are not normal about him...my god.

Tbh I think this issue of focus actually lands on why I prefer for the future to thanks to them (THOUGH AGAIN. THEY BOTH SLAY)

The ending of thanks to them was so abrupt and emotionally charged that it felt like a betrayal, almost. The show went so hard and so fast that afterwards there was no breathing room and I didn't fully trust the show to be able to pull back afterwards. I thought either Hunter is going to eat up more and more screentime next episode by having to deal with the implications of every that happened five minutes from the episodes end, or they are literally never going to touch on him again. The ending of thanks to them was SO MUCH in so little time that I literally could not fathom a middle road.

Whereas the ending of for the future was a lot more. Aha, eureka! Moment to me. Like "OHH so that's what we're dealing with next episode!!! Nice". There was excitement and yeah, fear that things wouldn't land, but overall there was more trust in me. And of course, they did find a lovely medium between it being the Hunter show and addressing his trauma adequately. His arc was very emotional and satisfying this ep, without the borderline hard-to-enjoy turmoil that the ending of thanks to them put me through lol.

But I think, to some people, the sheer angst of thanks to thems ending was more emotionally rewarding than the well paced stability and slight ominousness of for the future. They felt that episodes end was too "mid". Too soft. The end of the show needs to go all out all the time, so this episode that focused more on emotional arcs and early season callbacks and payoffs is weak.

And to be honest, maybe my analysis here isn't as in-depth or as in-touch with fandom complaints as it could be! I've generally avoided the people harshly criticizing for the future because I like it when fandom is fun. I don't like watching one of my favorite episodes to date get dunked on. But that in and of itself (combined with the leak situation) has led to an inability to really Go All Out with fandom engagement rn. It's a struggle!

I've seen people describe for the future as en episode where Everything happened, and yet nothing happened. I get why! I personally prefer it to thanks to them because I feel like too much happened during that episodes climax to the point where it didn't even feel like the episode had true resolution.

But also, I get that for a lot of people, it's not even about construction. It's just about expectation and preference. People weren't expecting hexside, and when they got it, they got upset. People weren't expecting Willow, and when they got it, they didn't like it. And I get that. Really I do.

But this show is so fuckin wild. It does so much and throws so many curve balls at you. Never the big twists either, always the shit u don't expect. And it's great. I've honestly grown really fond of the way this show pokes me in the ass with something I didn't really expect or consider.

Not everybody is though and like. That's fine. But I do wish sometimes people would just. Kinda. Let it go when something goes in a direction they didn't expect. Because I didn't expect the direction FTF went in at all and I loved it once I stopped to think about it. But that's just me.

I think this is only like. 25% a direct response to things you said in the ask, so to conclude by answering/engaging with your ask point by point:

Willow stans and For the Future stans unite. This is our nation. Also shout-out to the fellow willow understanders I am mutuals with/follow you guys were really keeping us going in the pre for the future times

It's not a perfect episode but circumstances considering, it never could've been, and I'm okay with most of the ways it falls short. I'm also fully willing to hold out and see whether or not watching and dreaming rectifies any of my complaints, considering several of the issues I took with thanks to them were solved this ep, lol

Luz and Camilla literally stole the show in thanks to them and while I understand that the ending of that ep was very hunter centric, hence the hunter centric fandom atmosphere afterwards, I do prefer the environment in fandom rn that's appreciating this mother daughter duo rn

Hunter is not a main character imo. Not because he couldn't be but because his story is rendered infinitely more interesting when he is a supporting character. It's one thing to tell us that Hunter lives for other people and is made to forever be a second- best underling. It's another thing to show us this with his narrative role as the ultimate foil. He Is Better Off This Way. Also this point is dumb but I fully believe Hunter would be miserable as a main character. He does not want this

Also Luz is genuinely one of my favorite main characters in television. Maybe ever. If I start talking about her we'll be here all day. Just look at literally anything sepublic has written about her it's all on point

For the future had the perfect amount of Hunter content tbh. No episode should have more or less. I'm banging my gavel like a judge decreeing this to be so