#here i am doing a set only 2 people want
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I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.
#to be fair it's bc school starts again in a few weeks#but idk. every day at this office feels like sandpaper on my skin. people always ask me shit i dont understand#and every case is so individual there's no set checklist to follow to troubleshoot#so most of the time I just grind my gears and get stuck#it'd busy more days than not.#and it was advertised to me as data entry only. client interactions was not what i signed up for.#it's all client interaction.#we're short staffed so nobody gets to take the back office and have a break.#when we weren't short staffed i was the new guy and only got 1 day in the back a week while everyone else got 2.#all my coworkers are conservative but talk like they're apolitical.#i thought it'd be fulfilling bc im helping people get benefits#but many are rude or impatient as any other service job. I'm constantly trying to direct people that don't want to listen#or explain the intricacies of something i barely understand.#and i don't want to lead people astray bc you have to start over if you blow a deadline.#but there's just nothing redeeming that i enjoy.#i hate customer service. i hate constantly asking questions. i like seldom few of my coworkers.#i can't be me at work.#and i don't care about the work itself anymore.#this job made me cry every day for weeks last month from sheer stress and overstimulation.#i almost cried myself sick several times.#the only reason I'm not there anymore is bc i dont fucking care anymore.#it took me 2 months to burn out. 2 months!#i was training for half of that!!#idk. everyone decided i was smart and could pick it up quickly so. even though everyone else got 4-6 weeks of shadowing#you can make do with 3 before you start doing stuff solo.#which feels unfair. i wasn't ready for it. and i resent the decision quite a bit.#plus it's been a nightmare for me in terms of external stressors and my generally deteriorating mental health. so.#all in all. i hate it here.#and i can't wait to turn in my notice so i can gtfo in 2 weeks#i am so tired. free me. let me go back to my music please
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series 3 is so frustrating because there is like a shining core of pure diamond underneath the problems . like conceptually it rocks so incredibly hard. but the problems
#dr who#i am being so honest when i say ten should have gotten on his knees and begged for simm!master's life#they should have framed the bit between him and martha's mom so different#like yes it is 10000% in character that the doctor with his bleeding heart and loneliness wouldn't want to kill him#even after everything that happened. because he's the only person he has left. 'i forgive you' was PERFECT.#but literally anyone else that suffered from what the master did. Deserves to rip him to shreds. so very obviously#and like i know.i KNOW that i am watching the 'funny immortal alien saves people through time and space' show#but i actually despise the doctor being framed as like an all powerful savior. or treated like one. even for a little bit. is Annoying#the first part of the series 3 finale having martha be humanity's last hope was SO GOOD bc it like kind of set her up as like#having to grapple with all that responsibility and attention like the doctor does. everyone's lives are in her hands. so crunchy#but when it like slides into 'everyone pls believe in our specialest boy in the world The Doctor <3' it just. falls flat#i feel like with a couple tweaks here and there in the execution and like actual fuckinnn people of color in the writer's room#series 3 would be PEAK media. but as it is it's just. falling short.#i do really appreciate martha deciding to leave ten on her own though. first of all. qpp down. second of all#she's realized that she can't keep traveling with him. bc (as i mentioned) hes someone who simultaneously needs saving#and refuses to be saved in the ways that matter. Yes im fucking ignoring the unrequited romance angle i think#it does a gigantic disservice to martha's character if u boil her down to that. fight me i dont care if that was the authorial intent#martha in the end is too kind to ten and ten keeps making her watch his meandering path of self destruction. toxic doomed qprism to ME.#anyway fuck. idk man series 2 consensus was that im dead inside and series 3 consensus is that the version i have of it in my head is peak#series 2 is better but i think because of my ten martha insanity i actually enjoyed watching series 3 more than series 2.#even if i got mad at it more than any other season. i think something is wrong with me. um. lmao#ten and martha#10 era
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did you know lego has a "pick a brick" thing on their site whee you can pick individual bricks to buy. unrelated but did you know ive never shopped online for anything before.
#im still not done...#ive had this tab open for days.#n*njago friends you will be real soon.#<-censored so it doesnt show up in searches. youre welcome random people ill never see who are just trying to find fandom content <3#im getting extra of some pieces bc i want to paint them.......#i literally have just minifigure pieces in here btw.#i used to be (and still am) obsessed with making minifigures#more than building sets anyway#bc. like. sets you get to make once. but lego OCs? you can unmake and remake them foreveerrrrrrrr#like they have so many normal lego pieces on here too but how am i supposed to know what pieces ill need for a build.#i dont even know what im going to build!!#i wish there was a site or a program where you could like. make your own lego builds with whatever pieces you like#and then itd tell you what pieces and how many youd need to make it irl so i could order them on the site...#in an ideal world id be playing with legos So Much but sadly i dont have very many legos.#ive literally only made 2 lego builds that Werent straight from an instruction manual and that was. this month.#only one of them is a real build the other was just a set piece for photos for a silly storyline i was doing in my discord server#the van doesnt look great. the windshield comes off So Easily and also Doesnt Even Align With The Rest Of The Van Theres Like This Weird Ga#and the other thing is just a wall with 3 chairs and a Very Bad Looking Mirror/Window and the walls made with ROOF PIECES.#and i mean. theres this old saying. limitation breeds creativity.#idk if its an old saying tbh i remember seeing it one time#and its definitely true. my builds look Kind Of Stupid but theyre charming and theyre MINE.#if i had access to every single piece in the world the hair salon set piece might not have had pink and white striped walls#which are only striped bc i had to put flat white tiles between the roof pieces cause i didnt have enough of them#and the van. um. ok im struggling to think of a good thing to say about the van i just like it man even if it looks a bit shit#i used the horse stable doors as actual openable car doors which is something ive always wanted from a lego car#actually if i had all the pieces in the world i wouldnt have made the hair salon setpiece thing anyway cause i only made it bc#i lost the hair piece of one of my minifigures and Could Not Find It At All and thought itd be funny if i made the guy go to the hair salon#AND if i had all the pieces in the world that minifigure wouldnt even exist!!!! i would never have made n*injago friends bc i would have.#just had the normal n*njago minifigures. no need to White Womanify them because like every lego friends piece is a white woman piece#and the Cole With Gun bit wouldnt exist bc my friend would have never thought he was holding a gun instead of an axe
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Doing this because it makes me happy â˘á˛â˘. Im making it difficult on all of you though.
1 note- I'll go drink water
10 notes - I'll set alarms to actually care for myself
50 notes - set up a daily productivity system so I stop wasting my time doing nothing.
100 notes - ask my friends to help me buy a skirt
500 notes - get a bra & a whole bunch of other affirming clothing !!!
1k - tell my dad that my gf is also trans
2.5k - ask my dad to address me by my prefferred name & pronouns 1k went pretty poorly, so I dont feel super comfortable making an attempt on this.
5k - try to get therapy/psychologist
10k - girl mode at all times (start actively wearing makeup/clothing/doing voice training around people at all times)
50k - try for HRT (0% chance) (also no guarantee on this one)
Asfgg. It feels surprisingly good to have a bunch of strangers who want me to be happy
I have now set up alarms for eating, waking up, and hygene related stuff. I seriously doubt we get to 500, but this has made me significantly happier â˘á˛â˘
Doing some math... 25 notes in 4 hours. 6.25 notes per hour. 8000 hours or 333 days until this hits 50k. Hrt in a year ig.
Um. Wow. Its been a day, and we're almost at 300. Everything 500 & below was supposed to be things I'd do with minimal intervention. But now, we're getting to the scarier stuff. I am very intimidated, but also excited
My gf really badly wanted to be here when I buy some of the clothing, so the skirt will be this week, the rest of the clothing will be when she comes back from vacation
Saying that you're force femming me is so not allowed. This is unfair. You have no right to make me feel the ways Im feelingggg. Stop making me happy.
Welp. I told him about my girlfriend. And things went about as poorly as expected. He said that Im parroting what other people think. Slowly taking little parts of them, and applying them to myself. Specifically, being trans. He didnt even leave it to maybes. He said with certainty that I was copying everyone else. I know 9 trans people total. Only 2 of them are my close friends. Everyone else, Im barely aquaintences with. I should have told him that regardless of whatever theories he has, this has boosted my confidence massively. Slightly less excited for 2.5k notes. At least everything after that is very positive. And at least this lets me talk about my girlfriend for ages. I dont have to say her deadname through gritted teeth. Oh context. He already knows Im trans but was ignoring it.
I GOT A SKIRT!!!!!
Thank all of you so much. At first when I got the skirt, I was pretty intimidated by the idea of showing my legs. I thought everyone will just see me as a man. But there's a degree of confidence you all have given me. Yeah. Im pretty. Yeah, Im beautiful even. Yeah. Its a friggin fantastic skirt. And anyone who thinks otherwise is dumb. Im happy, and thats what matters.
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how i manifested my dream life with extremely hard circumstances + how you can too âĄ
Note: this is not my post and it's blushydior's post that everyone been searching for, so i thought why not making it as a post,and blushy if you see this, please don't kill me i know you said that you'll change your post but you disappeared After that.
⥠table of contents:
1. the importance of making this post
2.my take on manifestation + the 3D
3. HOW I DID ITÂ - my journey in 4 phases i went through that include my mindset changes up to the moment i got my desiresÂ
4. your new rules & routine from this moment on
5. a note from me!
6. frequently asked questions: separated into topics regarding the 3D, self concept + miscellaneous questions to have you leaving this post stress free.
now letâs get into it. read every bit of this post â ~ ŕ¨ŕ§Â âĄÂ ¡
I. THE IMPORTANCE OF MAKING THIS POST
iâve been through it all. you can read my experiences from old life in the âmy life beforeâ section of my success story + here, here, here and here. this is my success story on how the law of assumption has changed my life. as you can see from the âhowâ section of the post, i had purposely left it short, sweet and simple to avoid people complicating the simplicity of the law of assumption. but as time went on, anons and other blogs made me realize that since people do tend to over-complicate the law, the need i felt to make an in-depth post on how i personally manifested through my hard circumstances grew strong.
my blog often highlights topics that pertain to mental health, so i want to make sure those who find themselves in the same situations as i once were feel seen, heard and loved. you are all so powerful, amazing and hold so much potential more than you know. with this post, i hope i am able to help you realize that fact to the best of my abilities.
đđ. MY TAKE ON MANIFESTATION + THE 3D
something that youâll see me say all the time is: âlife is a blank canvas.â thatâs because it truly is.
remember that you are working with the law of assumption. what you assume to be true, is true. nothing is set in stone unless you say it is. things have meaning only if you assign it one.
you are the sole creator of your life. you are the artist that controls the brush/pen, you control what goes on and off of this very malleable canvas we call life. you donât have to do anything. therefore,
you donât have to: affirm 24/7, be specific, word your affirmations correctly, listen to subliminals, ignore the 3D, be positive all the time, meditate, have high vibrations, script, visualize, do sats or lullaby, go into the void, affirm in the present tense, avoid the mirror, etc.
you can literally say a random word like âbonkâ and if saying it means you have all your desires or money is constantly filling your bank account, then thatâs what will happen!
âbut what if my subconscious doesnât know what it means?â your subconscious mind is literally you. itâs not some stranger separate from you. if you want a scene to play out a certain way on a specific date or a romantic partner with all the most perfect qualities even if you canât name it all at the top of your head, your subconscious has your back with the details! you have your own back. donât worry.
YOU DONâT HAVE TO IGNORE THE 3D.
read that again and again and again and again and-if your circumstances are quite literally in your face, how can you turn the other way and ignore it? you could if you wanted but youâll only be doing more harm and we donât want that, right?
âso then what do i do?â you KNOW itâs going to change. itâs challenging when you donât fully believe the law to know itâs going to change, so for a start, tell yourself that this is not the end. why? because the moment you had a desire and claimed it as yours, it has already been set stone in the 4D so the 3D has no choice but to reflect it. this is your movie, you KNOW this is not the end. you are director and star of this movie! you control how itâs going to play out.
đđđ. HOW I DID IT - The 4 Phases (more so, 3)
PHASE 1:
i found out about manifestation from tiktok. from there i have tried scripting, law of attraction and had taken a liking into the craft. i tried it all until i found out about the law of assumption, sammy ingram and finally, tumblr.
PHASE 2:
upon finding out about loassumption tumblr, i had learned more and more about the law but as time went on, i had realized i had never really fully tried to apply the law. the idea just didnât come about to apply it. as many others, i had overconsumed information, always wondering if i was doing it right, questioning the 3D,
so i took a break. upon discharge, i realized many things and decided to spend an extended amount of time alone, away from social media. iâm someone who values alone time as long as if itâs spent wisely.
during this time away from tumblr and sns platforms in general, constantly surrounded by other peopleâs takes, information, and opinions, i had learned so much about the law of assumption on my own! i went into the law of assumption with a fresh mind, actually applying the knowledge and overtime of affirming and persisting, i ACTUALLY understood the meaning behind âcreation is finished. it is done.â
iâm advising you to step away from social media (that on itâs own has negative impacts) and be alone with your thoughts. i know your thoughts havenât had itâs time to be alone because youâre most likely constantly seeking information to help you. and i donât blame you. itâs just that, you are always bombarded by thoughts that arenât your own, you barely give some time to yourself to think for yourself!
PHASE 3:
and if you canât help but be on tumblr for other reasons than loassumption, unfollow blogs for the time being, scroll past informational posts to avoid second guessing your application. tell yourself that
YOU ARE DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT!
when it was time to apply the law, i simplified it. you choose what you desire, you affirm from your desire and persist. okay! got it. so thatâs what i did. i affirmed whenever i thought about my desire, i kept saying that it is done! so in phase 2, i mentioned how i realized how creation was ACTUALLY done, right? before deciding to apply the law, i kept seeing posts saying that but i didnât really fully understand it until the realization hit me during my time away from social media. (see? i love alone time. solitude is my bff) â hereâs my breakdown for you:
once you decide a desire is yours to claim, THE SECOND you affirm that, in your head, imagination, your 4D, it is ALREADY yours. therefore, it has no choice to become physical reality. (this is why your subconscious only needs to hear things once in order for it to conform!)
it will always be yours for as long as you sustain that assumption (persist), it is yours! no matter what.
this is the meaning of âit is done.â itâs like telling a chef what dish you want, once they know what you want, theyâve got you covered. except that this chef is you. you know the details of your desire, you declare itâs going to conform instantly so why are you worrying? there is no need to worry.
informational post on the 4D + 3D here:
â If you judge after appearances, you will continue to be enslaved by the evidence of your senses. To break this hypnotic spell of the senses you are told, "Go within and shut the door,â The door of the senses must be tightly shut before your new claim can be honored .Instead of fighting against the evidence of the senses you claim yourself to be that which you desire to be. As your attention is placed on this claim, the doors of the senses automatically close against your former master (that which you were conscious of being). As you become lost in the feeling of being (that which you are now claiming to be true of yourself) the doors of the senses once more open, revealing your world to be the perfect expression of that which you are conscious of being. â
i kept time away from social media and being persistent really helped me be aware of my thoughts.
persistence has helped me:
be aware of thoughts that i wouldnât have been able to catch before. for example, i was declaring that i have all of my desires and creation was done, but i found myself affirming âokay but where is it?â â this made me realize i was questioning my desires in my 3D even though i knew it was done in the 4D. (you donât have to do this, you can imply your 3D conforms fast with whatever affs)
flip and interrupt my intrusive thoughts faster and faster the more i persisted. i hated my intrusive thoughts so much. like it was so annoying and hurtful. it was filled with replaying past scenarios that happened to me, things i wished had played out differently, just people who absolutely did not deserve the right to be occupying my mind and space! so i was grateful to learn that with persistence, i started to have less and less of those.
(see!! mental diet, persistence!! <3 this is how habits form and strengthen duhh. remember not to abandon common sense for the law)
AND THEN, PHASE 4:
i had entered sabbath, the state of the wish fulfilled, calm and relaxation that my desire has already manifested and there wasnât nothing left for me to do other than persist. after so much persisting and saturating my mind with my affirmations, i reached being peace with my desires. iâm really glad i persisted. see how after persistence of assumptions, though false, will harden into fact? see how even your affirmations would feel âfakeâ at first but will soon feel natural to you? this means that i wasnât questioning where it was, how long it was taking, etc. but this doesnât mean i was ignoring my 3D. i saw it all but i knew it was going to change BECAUSE i felt peace in my inevitable desires.
then, i received my desires.
â I couldnât possibly be worried about anything if I really believe that imagining creates reality. â
â When I speak of feeling I do not mean emotion, but acceptance of the fact that the desire is fulfilled. Feeling grateful, fulfilled, or thankful, it is easy to say, âThank You,â âIsnât it wonderful!â or âIt is finished.â When you get into the state of thankfulness, you can either awaken knowing it is done, or fall asleep in the feeling of the wish fulfilled. â
đđ. YOUR NEW RULES & ROUTINE
ââYOUR 3 NEW RULES ARE:
1, you have all your desires
i have all of my desires
creation is finished. it is done.
2. you manifest quickly and easily
manifesting is always so easy and instant for me
i always manifest within 2 days or less, the 3D conforms instantly.
the 3D instantly reflect my 4D
the physical reality instantly reflects my 4D/imaginative reality
3. you are okay because nothing can stop you from getting the inevitable
everything is going to be okay because creation is done
i am always aware of my thoughts. nothing can stop/get in the way of my desires.
no amount of intrusive thoughts, events and opinions of others have the power to stop my manifestations.
âď¸: choose one affirmation from each list or make one of your own that makes you feel comfortable.
ââROUTINE:
affirm on loop as an act of saturating your mind whenever you think of your desire until you feel satisfied,
in the morning, after you wake up: saturate your mind with affs.
read the manifesting vaunt below everyday (whenever you feel like it) â read it over and over again until you feel confident then go about your day!!
at night, before you sleep, affirm this:
âi kept all my thoughts in check today. i didnât waver once. my mind is completely saturated with the new story.â
optional tip: if you want to saturate your mind even more as a start, you can set reminders with sticky notes around your space, have affs on your phone lock screen or wear a bracelet.
âď¸ NOTE: soon enough, your mind will be saturated and you wonât need to do this anymore. this is just a start for those who battle intrusive thoughts!
let yourself feel any emotions that may come up because of your hard circumstances then once itâs out of your system, affirm your rules, especially rule #3!
do not consume any loassumption information if you know it will only cause you to second guess your ability. if you have the urge to ask a blog a question, try to make sense of what they will say and answer it yourself.
in times of doubt, remember that life is a blank canvas. your desire is set in stone, so your only task is to persist.
REASSURANCE VAUNT
creation is ACTUALLY finished. it is done. the second i claimed my desires as mine, it has already manifested itself in the 4D so it has no choice to present itself in the 3D! all i have to do is affirm and persist. i always have unwavering faith in my manifesting abilities and the law. i never fail. i am successful at every single thing i do. manifesting is so effortless. no amount of doubt, worry, fear, anxiety, intrusive thoughts or events can ever, and i mean EVER stop my manifestations. why? because i said so. this is MY life. i make the rules. so if i say i manifest easily, the 3D conforms instantly and that i have all of my desires, then it is a FACT. iâm literally unstoppable. everything i want is inevitable. my only task is to persist, sit back and relax as the 3D reflects my 4D. it all happens so fast, but what else do you expect from a master manifester like me?
SOMETHING TO NOTE:
most of the time, people think affirming on loop is saying it like a robot but what you donât realize is that youâre affirming as if youâre reading a book. itâs not filled with enthusiasm but itâs not exactly monotone either. stop overthinking it. itâs like the voice youâre reading this post with. correct?
again, soon enough, your affirmations will feel natural and you wonât feel the need to affirm constantly. the routine above was given for those who battle intrusive thoughts, making your affirmations dominate to the point where you donât waver.
QUOTES on STATES:
â I paid thirty dollars for my first suit. Today a suit will cost me $200.00, but regardless of the cost, when the suit is new I am aware of it. But let me wear it long enough for it to feel natural and I will no longer be conscious of it. The same is true for a state. You may desire the state of fame. If you will think you are famous and remain conscious of the state long enough to make it natural, as the thoughts flow from you they become a natural part of your body of beliefs, and the world will proclaim your fame. â
â I urge you to use your own wonderful creative power and deliberately move into the state of your choice. Make it now by occupying the state long enough so that it feels natural. Havenât you had a suit of clothes that felt so new you were conscious of them every moment? I know when I bought my first suit I walked down Fifth Avenue thinking everyone I passed knew my suit was new. People passing paid no attention to me, but I was so aware, so conscious of my new suit. Thatâs exactly that happens when you move into a new state. If the state of affluence is new, you think everyone knows it, but no one knows or cares whether you are rich or poor, so walk in the state until it becomes natural. The moment the feeling is natural, wealth is yours! â
đ. ENDING NOTE
i love you. read that again. you can do it. read that again. i am so so so so proud of you. read that again! you are so strong, you have SOO much potential and power. itâs time for you to tap into it, angel. stop making excuses. stop telling yourself you canât do it. stop the nonsense! youâve dealt with your hard circumstances long enough, itâs time for you to turn to the person who can make that change (you) and make it happen. iâm really sorry you have to go through what you did. you certainly do not deserve the unkind treatment. give yourself a hug and tell yourself that this. is. it. youâre going to make the change. you know it and i do too. itâs possible. nothing is impossible for the person who believes! keep the faith in yourself. nothing can stop you.
itâs like those movies where the mc finds out they hold so much power. they doubt it because of the life theyâve had so far but once they give it a shot, they become the most powerful hero ever. you are that hero!!!
i love you and i am, again, giving you the biggestttt hug ever.
now, with that being said, @blushydiorâ will no longer be taking asks regarding this topic. iâve cleared most of the questions that could ever arise. you donât need my guidance anymore after this post! im seeing you off now. i love you. stay safe. know that youâre loved and hold the power to change your life.
â kisses from bambi ŮŠ(ËáË*)Ů âĄ
ps. make sure you clicked the words that have links! <3 (the links are missing)
đđ. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Something you wish you couldâve told yourself before you manifested it all to make things easier for anyone struggling:
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
you guys are beating yourself up for something so simple. take a step back and realize that. youâre already dealing with such hard circumstances, so why are you literally degrading yourself for something so within your power and reach? tell yourself everything is going to be okay. youâre always doing your best. you deserve the WORLD.
I could write a whole novel, combine all the posts on tumblr teaching the law of assumption, and every helpful ask out there but at the end of the day, YOU are the only person who could change your life. YOU make the call. turn every doubtful question to a positive one, when in doubt, turn inwards toward the 4D and know that it is real. it is done the second you affirmed it so.
SPEND TIME ALONE.
i can NOT stress this enough. i didnât include the details of my time alone in phase 2 for nothing. youâll see that you can answer your own questions. youâll catch the thoughts you missed because you have always been so adamant on getting answers to questions you already knew. take a deep breathe and stay firm.
SEE WHATâLL HAPPEN IF YOU DONâT GIVE UP.
What did you affirm to get your dream life?
basically my affirmations i gave above and these. all i used were blanket affirmations.
What does persisting mean to you? What does persisting really feel like? Is it just like a mental diet? or what?
âpersisting is sticking to what you want / the end no matter what youâre shown, told, and what you experience + picking yourself up after letting any negative emotions & thoughts pass by.â â blushydior from this ask here (sadly the link is missing:()
+ keeping your thoughts in line of the same category. to word this in a different way, i can affirm so many affirmations just as long as they mean the same thing to me!
âit also is a mental diet. weâre always persisting in something. itâs just a matter of what youâre persisting in. you either persist in your desire or negative/non-beneficial thought 24/7.â
âin your post about how you changed your life, you said you just affirmed and persisted. but from your other posts it seems like you read neville goddard books. so did you just affirm or did you do imaginal acts too? i get confused when people say âjust affirm and persistâ cause neville never said that.â (original ask here) (note from Eli: the link is missing).
âyes, i read his books and sometimes i would do imaginal acts but i would only do that bc it helped me get by my circumstances, yk? like if i was overwhelmed i would just daydream lol. its like how i read books to escape to another world. but i would say, affirming and persisting was what i focused more on.
i just used what worked for me and used his quotes as a reminder of the power of man. i didnât want to bound myself to oneâs teaching constantly worrying if im doing it ârightâ or not so instead, i went back to his quotes that consisted of telling me to persist, look inwards, finding confirmation in my imagination, etc whenever i needed a pick me up.
but correct me if iâm wrong, iâm pretty sure many of the success stories he shared consisted of people simply decreeing their desires and feeling the wish fulfilled simply by repetition and acceptance of their assumption.â
What is saturating your mind?
read about it here (the link is missing, but Basically it is repeating an affirmation every minute or hour until you feel fulfilled)
Do we have to believe our affirmations? Did you ever doubt the law in the process?
no, i did not believe my affirmations and YES of course i doubted the law but i kept persisting either way because what could i lose? and here i am.
Did you just affirm, persist, maintain a mental diet and thatâs it? No SATS, going to the void, lullaby, repeating affirmations? Did you just got it sleep?
just affirming and persisting. sure, the occasional lullaby, i usually affirmed for 10 seconds max before i gave up. i couldnât sleep without imagining some romantic scenario LOL #bambiexposed
How to deal with manipulation and narcissism?
remind yourself that youâre in advantage because you know about the law of assumption. life is a dream, you can literally have whatever you want just by affirming. if you know that, why allow yourself succumb to other peopleâs thoughts and beliefs? i couldnât allow other peopleâs thoughts ruin my chance of living my dream life. the thought of it alone gave me the worst feeling.
How did you tackle the feelings of having no hope? + After being in the victim state for so long what did you do to get yourself out and actually stay out?
i persisted on loop whenever i doubted the law. i reminded myself that it doesnât hurt to just be quiet, affirm and persist to live my dream life. just do it. you gain nothing from turning back to your old habits. see whatâll happen if you donât give up. â Do you always turn to your imagination and, no matter what happens, do you remain faithful to the state imagined? If you do, you have passed the test. But if every little rumor, doubt, or fear can move you around like a pawn on a chessboard, then you are not keeping the faith! â â Objects seem so independent of our perception of them that we incline to forget that they owe their origin to imagination.â
What was the timeframe of when you got your desires?
about a week after deciding to be strict with self discipline, mind you, i was dealing with hard circumstances and intrusive thoughts for years. within this time span, i had entered sabbath so i immediately got my desires.
How did you kept a positive mindset when it looked like there was no movement?
refer back to phase 3
What was your affirming routine?
AT FIRST, when i started to get sick of overconsumption and not getting my desires, i knew my mind wasnât saturated/my desires were not my dominant thoughts. so, i decided to be strict with myself. i reminded myself with pieces of paper in my room that said: â PERSIST. new story only!â â AFFIRM!â
â 1.) the 3D conforms instantly.
2.) AFFIRM THE DESIRED
3.) BE LOT.â
and taped them on the wall infront of my bed & one on my door so i can see it before i head out.
i didnât need them anymore after a few days. (phase 3 & 4)
What did you do on all the days you woke up and things were still the same?
stop affirming that you donât see results. i flipped the thought of ânothingâs changed.â to âi am in my desired reality, it is done.â and so on. be stern and remind yourself that you are in control. donât fall prey to the 3D. turn inwards, find confirmation in the 4D. read quotes above.
How did you not react to the 3D?
i allowed myself to be angry. if i wanted to cry, i did. if i wanted to vent, i did. i ranted my feelings out in my head, aloud or in a journal then proceeded to go back to the new story after i cooled down.
But isnât ranting ânot letting the old story die out?â
you and i could rant until our minds are cleared, just as long as you flip my thoughts, you are on the right track. i ranted for 2% of my 24 hour days. the other 98% i was persisting in the fact that creation was done. as âtimeâ went on, it began to feel more natural and i felt more at ease. i held onto that feeling because i knew this was when i would get my desires and i did. letting out and actually feeling your feelings is important. youâre not a robot.
Did you script how your life would be?
no.
(.đĽ Ý note from Eli: here's her post about her life before and After she changed it with LOA, anyway i wanted to make it in a post since the Google document can't let you make a copie of it and plus you can't take screenshots which RenĂŠ didn't allow)
#law of assumption#loa tumblr#loa#loa blog#law of manifestation#how to manifest#loassumption#void state#affirm and manifest 𫧠đ⨠ִִָ֜ Ů Ë#affirm and persist#vaunts & affirmations#4d reality#master manifestor#loa success#instant manifestation
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TIME HASNT BEEN WASTED ἍáĄ
This is easy stop panicking.
itâs done, pay no mind to the âtime youâve wastedâ because none of it is real itâs just an experience that can change in seconds. SECONDS.
Do you guys want a SUPER COOL method that will guarantee you the void/âI AMâ state. Decide youâre a master of the void, pick the reality where youâve done it a million times and thatâs it. ITâS DONE. like seriously, the 4D is your only reality. You guys need to get it through your skulls that the 3D is not real. like at all. Your 3D is something you experience, not something set in stone and as soon as you decide it without wavering itâs true. Iâm not gonna be superrrr tough on you and say âyouâre still here because you want to beâ because some people made their dream lives to escape the horrible reality they are living in and that wouldnât be the best thing to hear. But youâre only experiencing youâre shitty 3D because your dominant thoughts are still with it. Stop saying you get it, start wavering and coming back to the app going round a cycle.
So donât be discouraged about how much âtime youâve wastedâ. Idc if itâs been a month or 2 years. youâre gonna be okay because manifesting is instant. you could enter the void right now if you put your mind to it (literally). Please donât be upset over another day wasted in your shitty reality because it can change in a millisecond when you decide. You donât need two weeks to change your âvoid conceptâ. Just decide youâve always been this confident about your abilities and keep it moving, you donât need all these challenges that last a week to reach the void, when you can reprogram your mind in a matter of seconds.DECIDE AND ITS DONE.
YOU ARE THE CREATOR. Anything you decide is true and becomes that way in a matter of split seconds, you should be excited to manipulate the world the way you want it and get your perfect life. because i know i am
âItâs been a year and i havenât gotten inâ
âitâs been 2 monthsâ
âi have school next week and I NEED to tap in before then, iâve wasted so much time!!â
NO NO NO
âI am entering the void today, like iâve always doneâ
âiâve always been this powerfulâ
âi donât need the void itâs the other way aroundâ
âwho gives a shit about time, i manifest instantly, so time doesnât matter to meâ
SO STOP PANICKING. YOURE OKAY. DECIDE NOW. YOU HAVENT WASTED ANY TIME đđŽ
#salemlunaa#law of assumption#permashifting#shiftblr#shifting#loa#reality shifting#success story#the void#void concept#void state#voidstate#the void state#void state tips#respawning
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You need more free art.
I quit my job yesterday. Well, actually I quit my job eight weeks ago, but they finally released me yesterday for good behaviour. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do - but I do it for the wrong reasons. Working for major charities, you learn very fast that 'I want to make the world a better place' is a phrase you use to ask people for money, not to give them things. I was an ass-backwards fit for that world.
You need more free art. I need more free art. Everyone has felt the shift in our media landscape over the last ten years, away from access and towards nickel-and-diming the human experience. That lack of access is making life and culture worse for all of us, across the board. Paywalled news sites leave us less informed, attacks on the Internet Archive leave us less capable of research. Algorithmic social feeds and streaming walled gardens trap us inside smaller and smaller demographic bubbles, where we are increasingly only likely to encounter ideas that have been curated for us by marketing departments. Hasty efforts to resist AI commodification have only led to more artists locking their work away and calling for even more onerous systems of copyright law. This is not good for us.
We all need more free art.
So what am I going to do about it?
This is a question I have been asking myself for years. It's easy to sit here feeilng frustrated and thinking 'boy I hope SOMEONE does SOMETHING'. It's harder to take action in a world where I still have rent to pay. But hard doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes hard just means time-consuming, frustrating and slow. And sometimes it's worth doing something time-consuming, frustrating and slow because...I want to make the world a better place.
I'm going to do this:
1. From April 1st, I am relaunching as a freelance writer and editor.
This is the one that will (hopefully) help to pay the bills. I am a very good and experienced editor. I've worked on hollywood movies, I'm a member of the Chartered Institute of Editors and Proofreaders, I have clients who have been coming to me exclusively for more than 10 years.
Alongside bigger contract jobs, I am going to refocus on offering my services to small-press creators at a reduced rate. That means you, graphic novelists. That means you, itch and amazon writers. I want to help you develop your work, the same way I help large organisations. You can learn more about what an editor even does and what kind of pricing you can expect here.
2. I'm also going to start giving shit away. Like, constantly.
Next week I'm going to launch a new free shop. If you're unfamiliar, a free shop, giveaway shop, swap shop, etc. is an anarchist tradition of setting up a storefront where anyone can take what they like for no cost. Offline, this often means second-hand clothes, tools, furniture, food etc. Online, I am going to be giving away digital art. Copyright-free, no strings attached. It will (eventually) feature everything from print-res posters to zines, poems, tattoo flash, t-shirt designs and anything else we come up with.
Yes, I said 'we' - while this is a curated collection, it will feature work from a variety of credited and anonymous artists and activists, all of whom have agreed to give their work away to the public domain. Some of it will be practical, some of it will be political, but a lot of it will be decorative or personal. This is, in part, a response to recent difficulty I had finding somewhere that would print a one-off joke poster for a friend that featured the word 'faggot'. Enough. No middlemen - no explaining ourselves. Just print our shit and enjoy it.
I'm very, very excited about this project. I'll have more to say about it closer to the launch, but you can expect it to go live on March 27th.
2.2 I forgot to mention the ACTUAL LAUNCH GIVEAWAY
To celebrate my launch, I am going to be giving away a ton of physical prints. When I went looking for my old stock to see if it was worth setting a new (paid) storefront up, I realised I had way more old work in storage than I thought. This will be announced in its own right on Monday, but this is why I've been hinting you should go follow my Patreon.
On April 1st, I will pick 8 random patrons (from across all tiers including non-paying followers!) and mail them a bundle of assorted prints and postcards. The prize pool includes A3 and A4 posters, packs of A6 postcards, and printed minicomics that I've previously sold for up to ÂŁ12 each.
You don't have to be a paying subscriber to enter - this is strictly no-purchase necessary. It is purely and entirely a celebration of the concept of GIVING ART AWAY FOR FREE.
3. PORN, YOU PERVERTS
Because I still have to pay to stay alive, I am going to be subsidising all this free art with the introduction of Fuck You Fridays. Starting from March 29th, I will drop a new 18+ short story on the last Friday of every month, over on itch.io (yes I know my page is desolate right now, don't worry I'll get there).
The first edition, Go Fuck Yourself, is about, well - telling your boss where to stick it. Julia has had it with her millionaire man-child manager, and is just about ready to let him know what she really thinks. It's a short and steamy 5k words, with a gorgeous cover illustration by @taylor-titmouse, and you can pick it up for $3 starting from March 29th.
4. ANOTHER BIG SURPRISE
I'm keeping this one under wraps for now, but April 1st will also play host to one more (FREE) launch. If you've been following me for a long time, you might remember the other significance of this date (no not April Fool's day, though that is certainly thematically relevant to this entire effort). That's all I'll say right now. Watch this space.
tl;dr: I'm sick of paywalls and career ladders. I'm literally putting my money where my mouth is. More free art for everyone and I'm not kidding around!!!
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YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO INFODUMP PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT WIGGLY'S SIBLINGS???? THAT HE APPARENTLY HAS????
omg ok SO
Meet the Lords in Black. Charming, aren't they?
Yes, Wiggly does indeed have four brothers who all do different things, so I'll cover them one by one, in order of introduction (since we've already met each of them in Nightmare Time at least once). BTW Nightmare Time has a fuckton of lore in it that I won't go into here, so even though I am about to spoil significant parts of it for you, I do recommend watching it, it's really good and if there's enough interest they might make a third one!
(Also you might notice they're all in doll form in this picture. This is how we knew them up until NPMD introduced us to what I call their Tumblr sexyman forms. Which are rad as hell by the way.)
So you already know Wiggly. That little green fucker, Wiggog Y'Wrath, the Capitalist Cthulu who does uwu-speak and starts a cult by invading people's minds. This will become a bit of a reoccurring theme with these guys. He's also the only one to successfully start an apocalypse, and the only one to have attempted to birth himself into our reality. (Or is he? We'll get to that...) He does seem to have some kind of dominion over the other LiB, as whenever all five of them show up there's always emphasis placed on him, like in NPMD where he does most of the talking while his siblings occasionally butt in.
Now for Bliklotep. Blinky seems to have slightly lower-scale ambitions than Wiggly, but don't let that fool you. Eyeball Boi is still incredibly dangerous. He runs an amusement park, WatcherWorld, deep within the Hatchetfield Witchwood. But it's not for the amusement of the patrons. Oh no. It's for Blinky's own amusement. Once you step inside, every insecurity, every shred of potential conflict will be ripped to the forefront, turning people against each other to the point of trying to kill each other until he's fully infected their minds. It's implied that, if not all, but a significant chunk of the workers at WatcherWorld were once patrons before having their minds taken over by Blinky. He's also implied to be the thing in Trail To Oregon that Jack Bauer sees during his venom-induced hallucination, as Blinky is referred to as "The Watcher With 1,000 Eyes", which is exactly what JB says he sees? Making Blinky the only LiB to induce a Starkid crossover. My headcanon is that the Dikrats founded Hatchetfield. But regardless.
Next up on the roster is Tinky. T'noy Karaxis, the Time Bastard. You may be wondering about that one line in NPMD where he recognised Pete as a Spankoffski, and said he "could have the whole set in his toybox". Has Tinky gone after Pete's relatives?
Well. Um. You know Ted, right? Yeah, his name is Spankoffski. He's Pete's big brother. We actually got the surname reveal before the brother reveal, lol. And that's not the only reveal we got about Ted. Our boy Teddy Bear has this whole entire tragic backstory and it turns out he gets fucked over in literally every timeline! Isn't that fun?
So, to summarise an entire episode: Tinky makes travel fuckery happen, Ted wants to go back in time to fix his life, accidentally goes back to before the time machine was created and gets stuck in the past, literally. Tinky is watching and laughing at the whole thing, then shows up to blow Ted's brain to smithereens with his weird little magic box, the Bastard's Box, where he stores all the people he toys with. Anyway Ted eventually catches up with the present by aging, except now no one knows who he is, he's... actually I won't spoil that. But once he dies he ends up eternally trapped and tortured in the Bastard's Box. Yaaay.
Fast forward to Nightmare Time 2 and we get introduced to Nibbly, in possibly the most unexpected way imaginable. He's revealed to have been behind a whole episode literally right at the end of said episode, and even though it was kind of foreshadowed, it hits you like a freight train in the best way. Remember when I said Wiggly was the only one who tried to birth himself into reality? That was kind of a lie. Nibblenephim can sort of do that anyway. Every year, he can possess a bunch of carcasses and create a living form to walk the earth for one night. He also has a cult of followers who provide him with the carcasses, as well as a sacrifice to feed on. There's a little more to it, specifically with how the sacrifice is chosen, but again, I'm trying to spoil as little as possible. Go watch Nightmare Time. Nibbly also seems to have a "pig" motif, and his theme song, The Nibbly Ditty, is a banger, easily my favourite of the three LiB theme songs we've heard so far.
And finally, we are introduced to Pokotho, in the very last episode of NMT2.
Except no. We were formally introduced to Pokey there, yes, but we've seen his apocalypse already. Long before NPMD, before Nightmare Time, even before Black Friday.
Yeah, remember me saying that Wiggly was the only one to successfully start an apocalypse? That was also a lie! Pokey already did that, and he did it without ever showing his masked face. Remember The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals? The blue spores that came down in a meteor and turned everyone into singing zombies? That was Pokey's doing! That's his blue spores! That's his apocalypse!
This also provides an explanation for why blowing up the meteor didn't work. Emma and Hidgens were right about the hivemind thing, but wrong about the location of the central brain. It wasn't the meteor - the meteor was just the vessel which carried the spores to Earth. The central brain was sitting safely up in the Black and White, laughing as Paul blew himself to smithereens. The central brain was Pokey, the Singular Voice, the most uncompromising of his brothers. The one who hates every voice that is not his own, hence the hivemind and making all of his zombies speak in HIS voice.
Anyway in NMT2 he's happily collecting musical zombies by taking on a human form and infiltrating a fighting ring of superpowered children until he has enough to kickstart another apocalypse. (Don't question it, we're almost done). He also calls himself Otho, not Pokey, making him the only LiB to have two different abbreviations of his name. Hannah is also there (remember her? Lex's little sister?) and she is like incredibly important to this whole thing, she has a super powerful mind, but that's a whole other thing.
But I did mention Hannah for a reason. Because you said "Wiggly's SIBLINGS". And while the Lords in Black are always referred to as brothers, they do have one more sibling. A sister. A Queen in White. And her name is Webby.
Yep, Hannah's imaginary friend isn't imaginary, who could have guessed? She's benevolent, always trying her best to combat her brothers' antics, but given that there's one of her and five of them, this is a bit of an uphill battle. Webby doesn't have a full name that we know of, nor does she have a doll. We don't know much about her. And she may not be all-powerful - but then again, neither are her brothers.
Infodump concluded. Hope this helps, it was very fun to write.
#the lords in black#hatchetfield#starkid#nightmare time#nmt2#nightmare time 2#wiggog y'wrath#t'noy karaxis#bliklotep#nibblenephim#pokotho#npmd#nerdy prudes must die#the guy who didn't like musicals#black friday
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Okay The Hashira taking care of a half human half demon baby? Like the baby can survive on human food and animals and are repulsed by human blood. Like the babies basically are found trying to explore new things like Nezuko in a way
Demon slayer masterlist Demons with baby reader
âżâź:*ďž:.・..・.:*シďžďžď˝Ľ**シďžďžď˝Ľ*:.・..・.:*ďž:*:âźâżă
Shinjuro held you in the air and examined you. Kyojuro left you with his father while he and senjuro went to the market.
Leaving you with a former Hashira wasn't a good idea in hindsight but who would kill a child.
"Half human half demon huh?" He muttered to himself as he watched you move in his arms.
He lowered you to where you were nestled on his chest and he laid back.
Shinjiro and kyojuro came back to see you and their father asleep on the floor in your room.
-------
Giggles could be heard in the Tengen ousehold as it was dinner time.
Tengen was rolling on the floor with you as the girls made dinner.
"Hope the both of you worked up an appetite." Hina came in giggling at her husband on his back with you on his stretched-out feet.
"Ahh lord Tengen you have to be careful with them. They're just a child." Suma came in fusing over to pick you up
-------
Obanai didn't know how to take care of a child so he went to the closest person he knew, Mitsuri.
"Aww look how cute Obanai they eat human food." She gushed as she feed you.
Obanai watched in adoration as he couldn't help but think about how good she is with kids (people in general)
"Cool." Such a shallow response that held back everything he actually wanted to say.
If only he could tell her. (đ)
-------
"What am I supposed to do with you." Sanemi muttered as you crawled all over your temporary bedroom (a small room he didn't know what to do with).
"what do you eat?" He kneeled down to your height. You crawled up to him, using his knees to try and stand.
He poked your stomach causing you to lose balance and fall. You stared up at him, He stared down at you.
you started to huff.
'oh no' the thought 'they're gonna cry'
and cry you did. You screamed your lungs out as he tried everything to calm you down. He even tried to feed you his blood, which only made you scream louder.
He got you to calm down by giving you Ohagi. Turns out you love it almost as much as he does.
------
"Time to go to bed Y/n." Giyuu said as he watched you play with your toys for like two hours.
You turned to him before giggling. Unfortunately for Giyuu, you knew how to run. You stood up and got ready for an unwanted game of tag and hide n seek.
"Don't even try, It's time for bed." Giyuu also got ready as this isn't the first time this happened.
In fact, this happens most nights and Giyuu is always the winner.
You ran out of the room with Giyuu close behind you. You rounded the corner at full speed. Too much speed. You hit the wall. Giyuu was quick to pick you up.
"This is why we don't run in the house." He comforted you by rubbing your head and bringing you to your room. You were asleep in his arms as he laid you down.
------
All Muichirou wanted to do was train but since you were assigned to him his attention was all on you.
Currently, the 2 of you were having a staring contest as you both ate. You copied his movements, and he would just watch.
You never cried, screamed, or made much noise. You and Muichirou got along great.
He brought you to every Hashira meeting and he let you do your own thing.
-----
"Bu" you called to Shinobu from the pin she put you in. It was the only word you could say.
She looked up from her work over to you. You were standing holding on to the bar of the pin.
"Ah someone finally awake." She set her work aside and went to check on you.
"Bu Bu" You squealed as she picked you up.
"I'm here. I'm here."
You were the only reason she never worked herself to death.
âżâź:*ďž:.・..・.:*シďžďžď˝Ľ**シďžďžď˝Ľ*:.・..・.:*ďž:*:âźâżăă
#male reader#female reader#gn reader#demon slayer x reader#kny x reader#child reader#x child reader#kimetsu no yaiba x reader#kny x child reader#rengoku x reader#tengen x reader#tengen x wives x reader#obanai x reader#muichirou x reader#giyuu x reader#shinobu x reader#sanemi x reader#mitsuri x reader
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itâs too bad youâre married to me | m.l
âhusband!mark lee x f!reader | ft. jaehyun + jungwoo
genre: smut, angst, tragic romance, miscommunication, marriage au, 2000s au
synopsis: all mark ever does is use weaponized incompetence to get out of small tasks you ask of him. when he finally realizes you resort to his close friends to do what he canâtâ nothing can prepare him for whatâs in your pandora box; now karma is set in motion.
warning(s): ADULTS ONLY, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT! oral sex (m receiving), unprotected sex, creampie, orgasm denial, cum swallowing, jealousy, toxic relationship/love, insecurity, vomiting, work field harassment, mental health deteriorating, self sabotage, smoking, mentions of poor eating habits/self care, pregnancy, mark is a horrible husband. this is for the people who only know toxic and bad relationships, woohoo (...)
wc: 19.5k+ || soundtrack || ao3
part 1 | part 2
Š 2024 YOJEONGIN all rights reserved â please DO NOT translate, take, nor repost any of my works on other social mediaâs. reblogs are HIGHLY appreciated and preferred!
disclaimer: this is purely fictional; in no way am I condoning this behavior, trying to offend anyone, nor is it meant to place such image on the idol, these are only characters. read at your own discretion.
an: it's been a year since I last updated the happy together series, I guess I lied when I said the stupid girl incident wouldn't happen with this one but hey it's finally over! this is an epilogue for happy together but can be read as itâs own part. ynâs character here isnât the same as happy together, this is a completely different yn!! fun fact I came up with this before happy together lol
âNo one wants to think about it. About how your love may run out or hang by a thread because itâs that big, not able to be supported by one person alone. To even have the fleeting negative thought race in your mind. No one wants that.â â April 25, 2004.
Life was sweet, it was a new romance never felt before (at least in your case). The type to make your heart swell at any sweet action. He was tender, sweet, and attentive. Whatever you asked of him, heâd have for you, ready and in your hands. Mark used to go out of his way for you but slowly the small things became a burden and any little task, he never wanted to do anymore.
Even so, now as you sit on your knees in between his legs, hearing his grunts from the pleasure he is enduring, you put off your own pleasure for his as long as the satisfaction of him feeling loved continues.
With his cock stuffed deep in your mouth, tip hitting the back of your throat. Mark held onto the messy comforter while you kept going. Your nose hitting his pubic bone, staying still for seconds just so he could feel the warmth of your throat around him.
At that feeling Mark allowed a disgruntled moan, loud and perfect. His hips buckle forward, causing you to gag. Tearing up and finger nails softly claw his thighs. Thatâs the most damage you allowed yourself to cause him. His hand wraps around your hair, the sting of his pulling mirroring the one of your clawing, he was relentless unlike you.
âYouâre so good to me. You feel so good, fuck!â He groans, eyes tightly shut. âI love when you gag around me, it feels so good. As if your throat still hasnât gotten used to me after all these years, pretty girl.â
Raking your nails on the lower back of his thighs, he hisses. With his hands holding onto your head, his thrusts get harderâ almost as a counter attack.
The hand you had on his thigh comes in contact with his balls, pinching them where he likes. Playing with and twirling them. Markâs thrusts become slow but harder, hitting the back of your throat more painful, nothing you wouldnât take unwillingly, though. He knows you can and will take anything he gives you.
Thatâs how you knew he was extremely close. When his thrusts were rough and slow, the grip on your hair became tighter when he pushed you further down, becoming extra sensitive to the way you handle his testicles.Â
âAh~ y/n⌠Please, just a bit more. AhhâŚâ He pants, stopping his thrusting momentarily until you pinch his scrotum, to which he whimpers loudly. Some sweat had accumulated on his neck and forehead. Glistening, he looked so beautiful, much more than he already is. Markâs eyes were closed but he could feel your lingering gaze on him. He could feel the penetrating stare that looked at him with adoration.
When he couldnât handle it furthermore and his thrusts against your throat were becoming sloppy, Markâs eyes fluttered open, looking down at you, giving you one of his most tender smiles. You never got used to the way he looked at you. Even when he gave you his coldest glares, there was always a sense of adoration to them.Â
So one can only imagine the warmth and giddiness you felt when he looked at you this lovingly. Lovingly enough that he removed one hand from your head and placed it on your cheek. Thumb caressing your flesh, soft strokes contradicting the ones abusing your throat.
âWhat I wouldnât do to be like this with you forever.â The words contradictory and cheeky to his caring caress, almost conniving.Â
Markâs hips jolted forward, disgruntled moans left his lips but his eyes never left yours. Even after he screwed them shut momentarily from pleasure, heâd always open them to let you know how good he felt. Head thrown back, trying to regain his breath and calmness after the orgasm you had just given him. His hand strokes your head softly whilst you gaze up at him lovingly, your head resting on his thigh.Â
âMorning,â your voice snaps him out of it, looking down at you with a smile. âReally good morning.â He chuckles in a breath, leaning down as much to give you a soft and tender kiss, tasting himself on you. Pulling apart, Mark stands up, helping you up from the aching position you were in. Rubbing your knees momentarily to soothe the pang.Â
It didnât take long enough to forget his care and make his path to the kitchen, you trailing behind like a lost puppy, ignoring your ache just to start the day for both of you. âHey, can you do me a favor?â Your soft voice squeaked against his ear, making him turn to you slowly. A gleam of hope on your part as always.
âWhat is it?â You could see his emotions coursing through, already looking for excuses as always. âJustâ can you pick up an order at Cafe 7 Dream? Itâs for Venetiaâs pregnancy leave party but I donât have time to pick it up. Please? During your lunch break?â
Your eyes still glimmer with hope knowing well what his answer already is. âOh⌠baby, you already know I canât. I donât even know where it is.â He ran a hand through his hair, walking past you after giving his famous apologetic pout.Â
Back to him, hopeful smile faltering, slowly closing your eyes disappointed but not surprised knowing the predicted outcome. You sigh quietly, basking in the background noise he made. Opening and closing the fridge door and pans moving around the stove top as if he truly had intentions to do something.
âI guess, yeah⌠itâs fine Iâll figure it out then.â Defeatedly, you make your way to him, watching him play with the knobs as if he didnât know how a damn stove works, you only interfered when he opened the egg crate. Rushing to him you took it all off his hands, his faux complaining making you roll your eyes, him oblivious to how it wasnât playful anymore. âGo shower, youâll be late.â Still, your voice held no annoyance.Â
He chuckles, completely oblivious to your feelings as always. âOr we could shower togetherâŚâ he suggests, not over the morning rendezvous. Wanting more and more, never satiated. Â
You didnât have it in you to smile at him, shaking your head and dismissing him as you crack the eggs over the pan. He giggles, towards the bathroom, placing a playful slap to your ass on his way.
The walls were thin. You could hear the sound of the toilet flushing, the water running, and your thoughts bouncing off of them. Torturing you with the words and feelings you try to repress all the time in order to live in peace and in love with him.
You loved him. More than anything, to the point it was extremely painful despite him being yours. Youâve fought hard trying to make your love for him unconditional, there was no backing out anytime.
Moments like these in which he shut down your pleas, all you could do was restrain yourself from the ill thoughts your tired brain tried to throw at him. You couldnât let anything get in between the both of you, not even yourself.Â
So instead you rather stand in front of the stove, moving the spatula around to make him his beloved sunny side up eggs. Funny enough, you hated them but if he wanted you to love them, you would.
Coming out of the bathroom, steam painting the mirrors and windows. Mark dries his hair with the towel sitting atop his shoulders, a sniffle leaves him, pulling the chair from the dining table, smiling at you with a âthank youâ rolling off his tongue while you set down his dishes and drink right in front of him.Â
âYouâre not eating?â He questions the moment you sat beside him with just a pouch of Konjac Jelly. You could only smile and shake your head, suckling on the nozzle to get out the contents. You werenât eating then and there, you just didnât want to tell him you were getting breakfast with your colleague on your way to work.Â
Mark nodded before digging in on the yolk with his spoon, that expected smile on his face.
He talked and talked after every bite and chew. Mark was well aware of how much you liked to hear his voice, especially in the morning before he left you for work. Head resting on your palm as you watched him stack his plates, a smile plastered on your lips from his presence alone.Â
âWant me to drop you off? Youâre gonna have to hurry though.â The clanking of the bowls on the sink as he passed water over them knowing youâd wash them eventually; making his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and finish getting dressed.Â
Shaking your head as a response, he waits for your explanation. âIâm walking the entire week, donât worry about me. Maybe I'll take the bus.â
How couldnât he when both of your jobs were a tad bit far from home. It didnât help that most of the time you got out late. At least he was thankful Jungwoo could drop you off whenever he wasnât able to pick you up or simply didnât feel like it.
âYou know I donât like it when you ride the bus, itâs always filled with⌠men at these hours. Take care, okay? Call me once you arrive or if something happens.â
Despite your smile of approval, what was he going to do when he can barely take care of himself?
Markâs lips fell against yours the moment he opened the door to the apartment, towering over you for a few kisses before pulling away. âBy the way, can you pick up my suit from the cleaners either later or tomorrow? I have a meeting at the end of the week.â
He was giddy asking you for a favor, clutching his backpack, ignoring the way you tried to not let your emotions show through your face. âYeah⌠Iâll do it after work.â Your soft voice, trying its best to hide that tinge of bubbling vexation.
Mark smiled, a giggle leaving his throat whilst his hand caresses your cheek. âIâll see you at night, baby.â You couldnât answer, he had bolted towards the elevator. Only the daily bittersweet taste lingers once again.
Shutting the door behind you, your eyes immediately travel to the pile of dishes he left for you on the sink, not even allowing your sighs to escape by how familiar this scene has become. It was rather frustrating for Mark to not notice your obvious signs of unhappiness with him. He knew you loved him, perhaps more than he loved you, which he tends to ignore to not throw himself off.
But that love he thinks you have was blinding him from all the realities of how dysfunctional the relationship was. It was pitiful that his friends were the only ones to actually notice them.
âMarkie, morning!â Johnnyâs cheerful voice booms against his ear, hand softly patting the younger manâs shoulder as he signals to follow him and Jaehyun to the break room while handing him a cup of coffee.Â
Mark returned the greeting to both of the men standing in front of him, conversing as if he didnât see them almost daily. From joke after joke, Jaehyunâs phone beeped constantly, the other two ignoring it as he checked it with a giddy smile plastered on his face; Johnny asks if theyâd like to get lunch during their break.
Mark immediately agreed to the offer, taking some of the last sips from his coffee. They spoke about restaurant options but upon Jaehyun not answering, rather typing, the blackberry keys louder than his coworkers, the two turned to ask again.
âJaehyun, youâre down for lunch?â Johnny questions, making his way towards the trash can, depositing away his cup, the eyes on the â7â icon turning to Mark. Jaehyun hums in response, putting his phone away before actually speaking. âUh, maybe next time. I have something to do.â An apologetic smile, Johnny understanding but Mark lets out a teasing chuckle.Â
âLunch with a special friend?âÂ
âActually, Iâm helping your wife.â
He didnât want to make it obvious but Jaehyun put enough emphasis on âyourâ. âShe asked for a favor and I always say yes, so...â Jaehyun shrugs, sipping the last of his own coffee.
The air was shifting to hostility the more Markâs expression began to change, slowly but surely. His eyes followed every move Jaehyun made, ignoring how all the 7âs glared at him, even his own. Johnny was no fool, if Jaehyun couldnât feel the building hostility, Johnny was clearly feeling and seeing it. His eyes advert from both men as he watched how quickly a mood can be annihilated.
âAlways? What do you mean, always?â Mark turns his back to the other two âalmost to shield himself from the accusatory numbersâ, throwing away his not empty cup and going to the sink to wash off the stickiness from the coffee that spilled on the sides.
The second oldest man mustered a shrug, taking a cup from the water cooler and pouring some in to get rid of that coffee taste on his tongue. Bitter coffee taste, the one lacing Mark. âI mean, I canât say no to her⌠if sheâs busy and canât run an errand she asks me to run it for her and in return she bakes me a cheesecake. We all win!â Johnny smiles at Jaehyun at the mention of the desert and his unconvincing naivety.
Mark didnât speak, his mouth forming an âOâ at the realization that the reason you always baked was not for you or your coworkers but for his friend. For doing something you had originally asked of him. Just in the past month you had baked six cheesecakes and all of them after you asked him for a favor that he turned down. All this time he thought you were just baking for pleasure but now he knows Jaehyun helps ease your stress. Jaehyun, not Mark.
âIâm gonna head backâŚâ Johnnyâs voice broke him out of his train of thought, the elderâs eyes adverting from his two younger friends before opening the door. Jaehyun announces that heâll follow behind, leaving Mark to his own thoughts for just a second.
One could call that the start of his demise. If anything Mark wouldâve been better off knowing you did everything on your own but now he felt an unjust slight resentment that you ran to one of his friends. Guilt, if you will, for his own faults.
He didnât let the thought go the entire day and it didnât become better once you had arrived back home with groceries and his suit in hand. Worse off, he saw you struggle with the heavy items but he made no effort to help, rather analyzed the components in your hands. Contrary to you, upon seeing him, a warm smile spreads on your face. Putting everything down and going up to him to envelope him in an embrace and a tender kiss.
âHiâŚâ your breathy voice showing obvious signs of agitation.Â
âHey⌠why are you so late?â He questions, accusatory for something heâs not sure what heâs looking for yet; a minute frown as he looks through the contents of your grocery totes. Cream cheese, graham cracker, sweet condensed milk⌠a pit in his stomach formed, a growing feeling of confusion followed.
âAnother cheesecake?â He questions, taking out the items and starting to put them away. To say you were taken aback was an understatement, your chest swole and you felt some relief seeing he was actually helping. You nod, holding onto the back of a chair to catch yourself. Mark hums, turning to look at you. Upon seeing how sunken and dull you were looking, his expression turned to one of concern.
âHave you eaten?â Mark asks, his hand reaching to caress your cheek. âYeah! We had a dinner party for Venetiaâs leave.â âI told you about it..â you want to add. No matter, you knew it was futile with how he hums in response. It was true about the dinner part but you hadnât eaten there, Jungwoo and you had decided to blow it off and go to a soup bowl restaurant instead.
He hums again, putting away all the other groceries and leaving just the cheesecake items. âSeventh cheesecake this month isnât it?âÂ
His piqued interest sounded hostile and cold, eradicating any sense of relief that he cared. âYeah, why not?â Responding with a smile and knitted eyebrows, Mark didnât add more. In turn, he took his items from the living room to the bedroom, opting to continue working there.Â
Looking at the empty spot he left, a sigh left your lips before continuing to fulfill your part of the deal with Jaehyun. You didnât know if the sigh was from relief or grief. Regardless, his care was too good to be true.Â
The next morning he had woken to your spot on the bed empty and cold, a building resentment and loneliness starts to grow when times before he didnât feel them. Odd.Â
Giving himself a few minutes of rest time until he decided to get up and do his daily routine. By the time he had reached the table, his breakfast was covered to keep the warmth in, glowering when he noticed it was slightly warm but getting cold. A note on the side of his dishes.Â
âDecided to head early. Sorry in advance if the food gets cold. Love, y/nâ
A small heart next to your name, Mark smiles to himself. As he ate his breakfast, his concerns and the slight jealousy he had gained overnight dissipated. He felt foolish for questioning your relationship with Jaehyun. What was there for him to be jealous of? Hell, Jaehyun was taking care of the burdens he didnât want to, thatâs a win-win situation, no? Jaehyun gets his treat, you remain content, and he isnât bothered. Yeah, he can now think clearly and see thatâs fair. Nothing ever comes out of your close friend being nice and considerate of your wife, right?Â
HmmâŚ
Nevertheless, Mark shakes his head with a goofy content smile whilst he drops his dishes in the sink, passing cold water over them. You picked up his suit yesterday and today it was hanging, freshly steamed furthermore. His shoes clean and shiny by the door, food you cooked for him in his system, and overall a lovely note you wrote him. Mark knows you love him and only him, what a stupid little preoccupation yesterday was.
âDumbass.â He chuckles to himself, squeezing a plushie he had gotten you that ever since, you left on the bed, your smell on it; youâd always be near him and oh how he loved that security. Surely he has to let you know how he adores your love.
Walking towards your desk to look for whatever piece of paper, he sat on your chair, opening the drawers and searching for at least a sticky note.
Upon finding the nearest notebook, Mark pulled it out along a pen. Opening it to where he could find a clean page; he stumbled on multiple pages of frantic writing and numbers written all over. Sometimes they went down and sometimes they went up, if the number was higher than last, a large âxâ crossed it in red. He didnât think much of it, maybe something to do with work statistics?
Curiosity still got the best of him, heâs never seen you write messily. Everything youâve written has been tidy and neat, so this was interesting. Flipping through the pages, he found two lists. They read the same thing but the one on the left had more xâs whilst the one on the right had check marks, sometimes nothing.
Pick up cleaners,
fix the leak in the kitchen
pick up order from cafe 7 dream
find a new car inspection place
pick up Venetiaâs leave cake
Those were all things you had asked him to do and things he had told you he couldnât do on account of all the excuses he made. All striked through, ink bolder and fresher the more recent the task was. All those crosses were for him and he figured all the check marks were for Jaehyun.
Some of the stuff seemed too intimate for Jaehyun to do for you. Picking up the cleaners? Fix the leak? Find a car inspector?
Jaehyun had no responsibility to find any of this stuff for you but there he was doing what Mark couldnât and that jealousy he felt yesterday was back again. That meant you hadnât picked up his suit yesterday, right? It was Jaehyun who had done so and his grubby hands mustâve left oils for you to steam it again?
God, no⌠he was being irrational again!
The more he flipped through the pages, Mark read the small and longer paragraphs. Most of them written frantically and showed obvious frustration. It seemed to be completely full of vent paragraphs. You wrote down your desperations and thoughts, often seeming angry and saddened. He cared for all that but they became unreadable the more upset you became as you went on.Â
Few things that made his head pound and chest start to rip apart were how many times he read two names over and over: âJungwooâ and âJaehyunâ. You met them through him, he had brought them into your life but now he was finding that to be a mistake.Â
Ironic, isnât it? You spoke so well of them. Every paragraph regarding them was neatly written and cohesive. For the most part you were just thanking them for making your life easier.
âKeep forgetting to look for new posts, Jungwoo has been helping but he seems kinda down when he does.â
âDinner coordinator keeps bringing the same catering and itâs growing tiring, seaweed treats are hell. Thank god Jungwoo took me out instead. â 03.29.08, 22:37.â
Last nightâs date. You had told him you ate at the company dinner but instead went out with his friend and didnât think to tell him, opting to lie about it. He knew you loved him but now he was questioning if the amount was just as big as he thought.
âWonder if Jaehyun is getting tired of these favors and cheesecakes. I donât think he even finishes an entire one in a month and Iâve baked seven for him, I fear for his fridge. Itâs not as big as I thought now that he moved. Nevertheless, thank god I can count on him to actually do these favors for me.âÂ
The last part stung horribly. It didnât seem to be a jab on him from how you wrote it but he took it as such given he always did something wrong when you asked him to just so you would stop or heâd make excuses for the same reason. He now took issue with you preferring Jaehyunâs and Jungwooâs help over his.Â
He also hadnât told you Jaehyun moved apartments so there was no reason for you to know how big his fridge was. It stung more that neither of his friends told him about the close friendship they held with you, his wife.Â
The last note on the paper is what caught his attention; âLunch with Jungwoo at Cafe 7 Dream, 12:30 today.â
Itâs only 08:35 in the morning as of right now; he got dressed and put away all your stuff trying his best to make it seem like he didnât rummage through. As he buttoned up his shirt all he could think about was going to said cafe and seeing what it was all about. A part of him told him to stop being stupid, you and Jungwoo were friends too given the company you two work in, so a lunch shouldnât be bad. But he couldnât shake off this uncertainty.
His day went monotonously. From the moment he made his way out of the apartment, to his daily drive through the freeway with a clear view of a big â7,' not drinking his daily coffee with his colleagues, to now being back in the car, looking at that same â7â he sees daily while he roams for a parking spot.
Whatever was playing on the radio was static and the air around him stuffy, not even the rolled down windows being able to aid him. It was around 12:53 in the afternoon when he had arrived and parked a few spots away from the vast window of the cafe. Bringing down the sun visor, fingers strumming on the steering wheel, and his lips pursed, eyes roaming the areaâ Mark had spotted you and his friend in the outdoor section.Â
His initial jealousy wasnât present right now, he was mostly focused on the image that had never been presented to him: you were visibly upset. Throughout your six years of being together, you always remained calm and even when he spewed vile things towards you during one-sided arguments you never cracked.
Maybe thatâs why youâve lasted this long. He could say whatever he pleased and kept off his chest while you never gave him a negative reaction. For the most part whenever you didnât respond in the arguments heâd angrily walk out of the situation to go meet with his friends while he left you to scribble your feelings onto the journal he stumbled upon just today.
Your arms flailed, hands forming into claws that whenever you were spewing something that angered you, clung to your flesh, leaving dents on itâ must have been that intense if he could see those forming. Your hair was disheveled but your clothes intact besides the pantyhose you were clawing at earlier. You didnât look dull anymore but you did look on the brink of angry tears.
In contrast to you, Jungwoo leaned back on his metal chair, hair kept well combed, suit intact and ironed, with a shit eating grin on his face as he nodded with everything you said. His words were slow, helping Mark in reading his lips and only being able to read just that sentence: âLet it all out, you donât deserve this.â Every time he said those words, youâd slump over the table, head resting on your hands and nodding to yourself.
The perplexed expression on Markâs face never left. His eyebrows furrowed and lips pursed, leaning in against his wheel as if any of that would help him listen to the conversation. It worsened when Jungwoo took a small box from his pocket, handing it to you in which youâd give him an apologetic smile for ranting to him while also being thankful.
He didn't understand where all this came from. You have always been so calm, never letting things affect you let alone smoke. Hell, you're the reason he stopped smoking but here you were doing what he used to do with his friend.
At this moment he didnât understand why he had rushedly gotten out of his car and inside the building. All the courage he mustered to go inside dying whenever he saw the both of you stand up from the table after paying.
His heart was palpitating in horror. He couldnât excuse why he was there this time, he told you he didnât know where this place was so it would only worsen your already horrible mood. Not to mention, he had nothing to say. How would he start the conversation? âI know Iâve lied to you about this place but what the fuck is your deal with Jungwoo and Jaehyun? Whatâs your journal all about?â No, he canât let you know heâs been snooping, let alone have you think heâs jealous.
Mark could only follow behind a group of people walking to the counter, hiding amongst them and hoping you stayed enthralled in your conversation to not notice him. At least he was thankful he could finally hear the conversation but that dissipated the moment he heard Jungwooâs voice.
âIf you keep pushing away and shutting off your frustrations with him this wonât end well. You canât just conform to keep him with you and let him do all heâs doing. You canât let him act the way he does and hope he changes without asking. You know what my grandma would say? If you donât speak, God wonât hear you. And heâs not hearing you. Are you not miserable in the relationship?â
It stung. It painfully stung deeply in his heart that he truly felt he was having a heart attack right now, cardiac arrestâ whichever. It sounded oddly familiar.
âMark says, 'If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.â So which is it?â Jungwoo laughs, shrugging. âSeems God canât make up his mind or he's fucking with us just because he can.â
Sadly for the both of you this was only the start of your demise. As for the following weeks, Mark had begun to dig deeper into this madness he was slowly learning he had created. Every time he was home alone, Mark began to read the notebook he had found. Your writing didnât become any less incomprehensible but he was starting to learn what certain loops meant.
He wouldnât say your writings were enjoyable, rather more concerning than anything but this is the closest heâll get to truly knowing you. It still baffles him that after six years of being together, you were capable of hiding this much from him. The only time he could recall you actually being mad was the time both of you crossed paths with one of his childhood friends.
The atmosphere turned hostile and tense as the older male reprimanded him for not inviting them to his wedding to which Mark said he did, he even gave his mother the invitation directly to give to them. The look the two shared had made your insides churn, in that instance you wanted to cut your own chest to relieve that sting within.
You could handle a lingering look and his friends' questioning remarks whenever speaking to you, but what killed you was that it took him a week to regain his dignity after he bid him goodbye with a kiss to his cheek. The words: âThey long to see you.â Cascading from his lips, but Mark smiles tenderly and awkwardly.
Mark only recalls you giving him blank stares and taking a while to answer him, conversations non-existent unless he started them. But Jungwoo got to see you tear your desk down, shred paper after paper, and cry in agony at the same time that entire week, knowing well what the older man had meant, you werenât stupid after all, heâs not the only one whoâs read someoneâs secret stash of letters.Â
Thatâs the only time he thinks youâve been mad at him or resentful enough. If only he knew how many fits Jungwoo has experienced and cleaned. But while you might not be foreign to an empty bed, Mark was. When he felt your side of the bed still neatly made and the duvet cold, a sense of fear made him shoot up.Â
He had gotten home before you that day once again, trusting that Jungwoo was giving you a ride not long after he arrived like always. After a few hours of working on some data and analysis to the point of not being able to eat the dinner you had woken up early to cook for him. Mark had decided to rest for a while not thinking of taking a nap until his eyelids feel heavy and his slumber commenced.
That was around 6:43pm, now itâs midnight with no signs of you in the bedroom and if he knew anything from those six months of living with a married coupleâ one of the spouses was up to something.
Thatâs where his fear rose and his chest started to constrain his breathing. You would never do anything to hurt him, right? Mark knew you loved him. Yes, you love him, youâd never do anything of the style. You're not her.
You're not her...
Opening the bedroom door with such force; he startled you, jumping once the doorknob slammed against the wall. His fears dissipated the instance his eyes laid on your sitting figure. Crouched over your desk with a pen on hand and arm covering the pages of that same notebook. While he was relieved to see you, now he was worried of what else you could add to wreck his nerves.
âWhen did you get home?â His raspy voice questions. You shrug, taking his presence, closing the notebook and shoving it into one of your desk drawers.Â
âMaybe an hour ago? Jungwoo got quite drunk so Jaehyun took a while to pick us up.âÂ
Mark knew what jealousy felt like, heâs experienced it in the most hateful way and over all these years he trusted you enough to never feel this strongly ever again but his friends were starting to test his patience. It may be subconscious and a self inflicted fear but Mark knows what friends can do.Â
âYou didnât say you were going out with Jungwoo.â That pitch of irritation laced his tongue, every word getting louder the more he shook his slumber away. His eyebrows furrowed unconsciously. He really didnât want to have any reaction but he canât reap what he sows.
Mark always started like this when an argument would ensue. You could handle his vile words and reproaches but you had a presentation tomorrow and the last thing you needed was for him to treat you like shit at midnight. Youâve had enough of your supervisor for that.Â
âCompany dinner meeting, Mark⌠I told you about the presentations.â Your voice was betraying you with how whiny it came out. But could anyone blame you? You had been ecstatically talking about this for almost a month, even Johnny knew about it. It just seems the man you married couldnât be bothered enough to remember.Â
Mark tried his hardest to pick at his brain and recollect the memories of you telling him. It was of no help that you hadnât written about it in your journal either. All he had left was to deflect.Â
âYou couldâve called me to pick you up, though? Why did you have to call Jaehyun?âÂ
âWould you have gone? You've been sound asleep the while I've been here.â
Your tone took him aback, this was the first time he could hear some attitude and mocking in your voice. He didnât know whether to be happy that for once you spoke to him like this or angry that the mention of Jaehyun was eliciting this response, almost as if youâre defending him.
Noticing the look of confusion on his face, you retracted any possibility of continuing this ensuing argument. Just like him, youâll avoid any further action.
âGo back to bed, love. Iâll be there in a bit.â
He didnât listen, just sunk his feet deeper into the tile, processing the whiplash of your actions. On the contrary, you walked past him to the bathroom, forgetting to turn off the stereo system, hoping your nightly ritual would help you not think about these happenings. Him? Heâll sulk like he is not at fault.
âOh, I think youâre holding the heart of mine. Squeeze it apart, that's fineâŚâ The melody mocks and lulls him goodnight.Â
A similar situation happened days later. The days building up to that night, you hadnât asked him for any favors. Times before heâd be glad but now he grew weary. The only outlier was that you werenât baking, so had the rewards gone further than sweet treats? How far could you go?
No! Stop! Mark knows youâd never do anything like that, youâre not her, thatâs a huge reason he fell for and married you. You arâ were perfect.
But then, why havenât you asked anything of him yet? Was it truly futile now?
Deja vu hit, the bed was cold beside his own spot, your plushie thrown to the floor (the only difference), no sign of you, but the second he swung the door open, there you were. Sitting mindlessly on your desk, scribbling things he couldnât see but knew he would struggle to understand later. He approached slowly, the only light source the lamp before you.
âWhat are you doing?â His voice is curious and soft in comparison to last time. You shrug like before, scribbling. âNothing.â Precise yet somehow cold. No matter how much closer he got, by only a step, you shut the journal, throwing it in your drawer and turning the lamp off. He didnât know how to take it, your actions swift and nonchalant but regardless you still made the effort to kiss him goodnight on the way to complete your night routine.Â
01:48 read the stereo system. Mark hums, this nightâs song mocking him again while his eyes look into the darkness and curves of your desk, directly at the drawer that held all your grievances. He contemplates it but itâs no use tonight.
âI love him so much, it just turns to hate. I fake it so real, I am beyond fake. And someday you will ache like I ache.â He chuckles, turning it off.
The next day was enough. You had left before him again, no reason as to why either but later he had learnt that Jaehyun had gotten into the office late with a Cafe 7 Dream drink in hand and not bought by Johnny.
He had taken your absence as an opportunity, looking at the positioning of things in your desk carefully to remember how heâd put everything back. Slowly but surely, he took the journal out, opening it to the new pages.
With the journal in hand, he steps into the kitchen, sitting on the dining table where his warm food rested. Warm enough to let him know you left not long ago. Effortlessly, he uncovers it, sliding the plates towards him and standing up to get a drink. The ice-cold water pitcher sat in front of him and he began his tasks.
âGuilt floods me every time I ask Jaehyun and Jungwoo for favors. Is this excessive? Poor Jaehyun looks so tired, I think I have to ease it. He may claim itâs fine but how much cheesecake or danishes can someone eat without feeling the weight of burden grow as fat around his muscles?â âWhat a way with words,â Mark scoffs to himself, accidentally biting the inside of his cheek, his teeth scolding him.
âJungwoo on the other hand is probably exhausted from my complaining. I see this as my karma for all the times I told friends to leave their bummy boyfriends. I get it now. This feeling is too strong. I can't just end it, I think⌠Regardless, I do need to stop with the favors, hell theyâre easy so I can do them but itâs nice to not hear them complain or make excuses instantly. Thatâs selfish of me but I deserve some self indulgence from time to time. No⌠not at their expense at least...â
00:59 at the time you began writing that.
He didnât like that. Heâs read enough for the past few weeks but nothing like this. The bummy part even less.
He wonât deny that he wished your food got stuck in his throat and suffocated him so he can drop dead with your journal in hand and true guilt arises in you when you find his body but thatâs not him, thatâs his jealousy and anger speaking. Maybe he was getting influenced by your entries, this is something you would say just not to him.
Mark scoffs again, sighing heavily, and pushing his chair to get out. He leaves the food uncovered and dishes dirty to complete his morning routine. Despite his anger he puts back your journal not counting on the wet back from the water pitcher but flaws are meant to happen when youâre letting frustration blind you.Â
The day went in a blur from then until lunch. Snapped out of his trance by Johnny shaking his shoulder and their manager next to the taller man, Mark gave the two a fish out of the water look. One that made his manager pinch the bridge of his nose but shook it off while Johnny on the other hand gave him a questioning look. The man wasnât stupid, he could see how distant Mark had been and at most kept to himself despite trying to act like everything is fine and bond with him and Jaehyun, but heâs not that great at covering the heart on his sleeve.
âHere, take the intern with you and ask for the lunch platter at Cafe 7 Dream, the meeting is in less than an hour and we still arenât prepared.â The manager rushedly spoke, handing him his credit card, the gray hairs on his side seemingly growing with every word he spoke. It was a large investment meeting and he needed to secure this but he had been so careless that their hospitality was a wreck.Â
Nevertheless, Mark agreed, the new intern standing behind the other two men that he hadnât noticed her until she popped out, startling him a bit. She was young and timid, he hadnât heard her speak but that little jump she caused him made her laugh apologetically.Â
Thatâs the most verbal communication they had through the ride to the cafe. The radio was adamant on playing TVXQ and she enjoyed it while he focused more on the sounds the tires made and the honking from outside. Even when they arrived at the cafe they didnât speak, if anything their expression said it all. He seemed tired and uninterested while she was indifferent with only polite smiles to her senior.
Crossing the threshold of the first doors, a familiar figure stops in front of him much to the otherâs confusion when his indifference turns into a content smile. No matter how frustrated he was with what he had read, an inkling in him will always remind him of the affection he has for you. âY/n, hi!â He exclaims, turning to you a hand reaching for your shoulder. Youâre not too sure how genuine his giddiness is but in the moment for Mark, itâs the most sincere thing ever, more than you have ever been.
Itâs not enough to convince you though, with your eyes flitting between him and the intern as he kisses your cheek and the other stands awkwardly behind only flashing you a quick greeting smile before looking around.
âWhat are you doing here?â Your voice broke the interactions, a hint of annoyance and to an extent accusatory over something that you havenât voiced, turning to her again before looking back at him. The young girl wasnât quite sure of how you felt but knew it was a safer bet to go order before their boss called, clenching his ass from how fast time went and he didnât have things ready.
Clearing her throat, âIâm going to go order⌠The card?â She extends both hands, Mark takes out their managerâs card and hands it to her who bolts to the register. It doesnât take Mark long to turn to you, smile slowly faltering, seeing your stare. Unsure if itâs a glare or if thatâs how you look at someone when no longer adoring.
âManager sent us to get something for a meeting.â He brings his smile back, hoping that would help. Yet, you hum and thatâs all he gets. It takes a few seconds until your mouth, like a fountain, unexpectedly spouts something. âIâve asked you to get things for me from here but you always say you donât know where this place is.â A soft huff leaves you while forcing a smile. You can feel warmth rush from your skull down to your feet. Itâs not pleasant, at all, but you canât lose your cool right now. Not in front of him.
Perhaps if this had happened before reading your entries, Mark would have dismissed it but now he was growing knowledge of your behavioral cues and he can see your hands go behind your back, allowing your nails to cling onto your bare skin.
He musters a sigh and looks at his watch, the meeting was near. âWe can talk about this later, pretty girl.â His hand reaches your arm to stop you although he makes sure to not let you know he knows about your little habit.
You shake your head, smiling up at him and going in for a kiss. âNo, itâs cool, itâs fine. I justâ donât worry about it. Iâll see you later at home, okay? Okay.â You didnât wait for a response and habits donât die so he found it preferable to drop it. At least heâll probably read about it in your journal soon and not have you complain in his ear.
Of course youâre not going to be in his ear when youâre on your phone frantically typing something and soon putting it to your own. Seems youâll be blowing someone elseâs ear off and itâs likely the poor loser will be Jungwoo. With every motion, flailing arm, and facial contortionâ Mark knew enough of how this little thing made you feel and all he could react with was a grunt.
On weekends, by the time he began to rustle in bed and stretch, heâd be greeted with kisses and tight embraces. They often made him giggle but this weekend was much different. Once again, he woke up with the plush on the floor, a cold bed, and the window closed with only the racket outside the bedroom door. Everything was muffled but if thereâs something he identified was the smell of food being made and those two laughs heâs known very well for quite a while now.
With some surprise, he jolts up. His body aches from the lack of stretching but his feet donât care and drag him out of bed. Opening the door heâs met with Jungwoo and Jaehyun bickering about how heavy the couch was, soon to shift their attention to the movie that had been playing through broadcast TV. On the other hand he turned to look at you taking out things from a cabinet, Jungwoo rushing to help, a screwdriver in hand as he inspected the doorâ it creaked.
âMorningâŚâ He greets, stretching a bit and hiding his yawn behind his arm. You make way towards him but the other two were quicker, taking his hand and continuing their greeting-shake. By the time you reach him, he kisses the top of your head, your arms around his torso in a hug like they shouldâve been when he woke up. Jaehyun and Jungwoo throw each other a glance, one you both miss but that they mask with their teasing towards Mark.
âMorning? Itâs nearly two.â Jaehyun begins, âCan you blame him? What does he have to do on a lovely Saturday?â Jungwoo continued but it came out rather bitter despite trying to be playful. Mark manages to laugh just like the rest of you, it doesnât change the warning look you throw at Jungwoo who ignores it while removing the cabinet door, showing more chipped parts to it.
âCan you help me find something, then?â Mark dismisses the other two, looking directly down at you. Without hesitating you nod, walking to the room with him, your grasp on his torso not falling, rewarded with a tender smile of his. Unbeknownst to you two, the other pair give each other a glance again, although this time it lingers on each other. Disappointment and exhaustion painting itself on their features before going back to the favors.
The wooden door shut behind you two, Mark makes way to the restroom to brush his teeth and wash his face, leaving you situated on the bed and confused. âWhat are we looking for?â You question with some excitement as if this was a task you truly wanted when making him happy was enough.
âWhy didnât you tell me they were coming?â He finally speaks, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, hair strands damp. âTheyâre just fixing some stuff.â You ease softly, smiling up at him as he stares at you.Â
His hand perched on your shoulders, pushing you down on the mattress and met with a surprised squeaking giggle that he shut immediately with a kiss. Those same hands wrapped around your body pulling you flush against him as his tongue works against your own.
Lips became slick by the moment but he felt so much pour into that kiss. So much longing and desire. A mixture of lust and guilt and that balance may be why he felt the need to keep you here in this room with him and not out there with those vultures.
Possession is the word heâs looking for.
His hands began a journey down your body, feeling every curve until they rested on your hips. Inching closer to the hem of your shorts, teasing their entrance under. It was enough for you to gasp quietly, feeling his cold damp fingers while he kissed you, smiling into it. He swallowed every word and protest before you could even spew them.Â
Your own hands on his hair, lips submissive to his. A moan when you feel his digits fully in between your legs. You shake your head but not in protest but rather of how much you needed his touch. âSay somethingâŚâ He whispers against your lips, no smile on his face. âPleaseâŚâ You beg, his fingers making slow circles to not hurt you but enough to get you to lubricate and use that instead.
The scene was greedy and lustful but ultimately, he was reminded of those two out there and the reason as to why they were present lingered. Was the couch and cabinet door that important that you had to call the little crew? No matter how displayed you are for him, with your hands holding onto him, lips kissing his own, and legs open for his own dispositionâ Mark was still aggravated.
Softly he pulled away from you, caressing your face with his free hand while his fingers went to work. âWhy didnât you ask me to help instead of them?â He tries to seem soft spoken like his caresses but those become rougher the more he speaks. âWould you have done it?â There he knew how much little faith you had on him and the scene from a while back repeats.
âIâd go to the end of the world for you, Y/n.â Mark confesses into the kiss, neither of you too sure how truthful that was. His fingers make their entrance into you, slowly moving to elicit a response. Your body ran hot, his clothed figure above you, silently begging for you to at least believe a fraction of what he said. Those pleading and mopping eyes as he pumped his ring and middle finger, increasing the pace.
You believe me like a God,
âYouâre being so cruel.â You want to tell him, to engrave it in his brain but it instead came out as a pleased disgruntled moan, one he took as accepting his lies. Mark smiles, head tilting to the side before lowering it to begin kissing your chest. Tongue lapping on the dents your collarbones create, whispering his ailments in them to the point of flooding and creating lakes that flowed down to your perked nipples after unbuttoning your blouse. His tongue, scorching and velvet against them. Granted was a jolt and a gasp when you felt his mouth wrap around one, biting softly to soon suction on the tit.
Iâll destroy you like I am.
Teeth grace your goosebump filled skin, kissing where his teeth left razor marks. Threatening crimson to spill only to be a false alarm, lingering pain and pleasure was all that was intended to reside. His fingers slowed the pace, blunt thrusts per second that left an ache between your legs when his palm came in contact with your outer skin, but oh how good it felt when his fingers hit your sweet spot. It doesnât help that by this point he had inserted a third finger, the stretch causing so much more need within you.
His mouth travels up the path he created after years of savoring your body. Tongue feeding the dried stream, cool when its source disappeared to carve marks on your neck. It was so juvenile but he wanted you to go out of that room with some swelling for those two to see. Eliciting another moan from you, Markâs free hand softly comes up to your mouth, covering and sealing it with shushes against your ear.
âDo you want them to know what weâre doing?â He whispers in the same location, you shake your head fervently, feeling hazy and growing even more needy. âGood girl.â He grins, removing his hand to hold your neck, pulling you in for another kiss. His teeth gracing your lower lip, softly nipping it to soon ease the pain heâs caused with his tongueâ as he always does.
His fingers kept working their magic between your legs despite the constriction of your shorts, his wedding band no longer feeling cold inside of you but the fact that he didnât think about removing it made you feel more aroused. To feel that metal piece unite you besides legality but through flesh and body.
Mark must have felt your growing arousal, especially with how much easier it was to ease his fingers within you. The clamping of your walls, more of a clue. In this instance he wanted to be cruel, and he attempted so. His hand stopped moving, rapidly getting out of your shorts and causing a desperate groan to leave your lips, legs quivering from the abrupt halt.
Just as he was going to cause a drought to the land of your skin and mouth, your hands took a hold of his body. Wrapping around his shoulders to hold him near, causing him to stumble slightly but not to topple over you; able to hold himself up. He wonât deny that knocked the wind out of him to a degree, feeling like in any instant he could have crushed you but pride and satisfaction soon filled him.
âPlease, Mark⌠letâs finish at least.â You beg, your voice drunk off of his touch and whiny from how long it had been since you received anything from him. âYeah? You want that?â He questions, making fun of you with that smug grin on his face, remaining features feigning compassion. He smiles at your desperate nod, mimicking the motion when he laughs quietly, kissing you again.Â
Swallowing every single one of your silent moans that he told you to keep quiet to not let those two outside know what he was doing to you. Thing is, he did want them to know, he wanted them to see how fucked you will look once he is done with you. He wants them to see how your legs spasm when trying to walk and see how marked and irritated your neck is. Heâs simply making fun of you right now and youâre falling for it because you will be anything he wants. Even a fool.
His hand slowly slides off your shorts and panties, caressing your warm legs in the process. His once calloused fingers from his creative days that he left behind now soft and tender. You held his face in between your own hands, making sure he never kept too much distance between your lips, that fresh taste of mint still lingers on his tongue.
âBut do you deserve it?â Mark immediately stops his caressing and kissing, the words echoing in the cavern of your mouth, you swallow them. His gaze is cold but curious, scanning your own for a response, a witty one.
In this instance he tries to remove his touch from you, your grip on him despite how his knee teases its clothed friction against your exposed and destitute clit. He had been denying you an orgasm for the past fifteen minutes, depriving the other two from knowing what was going on but Mark didnât care, he was luxuriating in this.
âYouâre being so cruel.â You finally say the words that had been covering the walls of your brain and heart. Needy yet angry tears prickling the corner of your closed eyes. It wasnât just lust but the fact that he was playing dirty when youâre so vulnerable and in dire need of getting something from him. For once.
âYou think so?â His knee stops, eyebrow quirking, shit-eating grin falling. You nod, a pout forming, making things worse. âDid you really have to cry now?â He asks himself, huffing as he shakes his head, pulling down his sleeping shorts.
âYou jump to conclusions so quickly, it's always such a shame.â He doesnât dare look directly at your face as he speaks this, knowing that the constraint and squeeze of your heart was showing. No, instead youâre met with the warm feeling of his spit falling off his tongue onto your cunt, some on the tip of his cock.
To be given something forced you to shut your eyes, a moan of relief enclosed within the four walls of the bedroom you shared with him. It became louder when you felt the intrusion of his dick within your walls, his mouth covering yours to drown those sounds. He likes to cherish these sounds for his own entertainment.
He gives you a few seconds to adjust to him, the girth feeling foreign despite how familiar you are with every inch and crevice of his body. Slowly, he picks up the pace, raising your leg to prop it beside him. âSee how things turn out when youâre patient?â He asks, searching for your eyes but theyâre shut.
The most he gains are pleasured moans in the crook of his neck. Mark canât figure out how satisfied he is with that answer, so his hand opts to slap the inside of thigh, causing you to whine but reward it with kisses to his neck.
To be fair you didnât think this could last long. Not when you abstain from self gratification, knowing that only he can bring you to an orgasm and given itâs been a while since you two slept together, an orgasm was long overdue. The friction of his pelvis on your clit while he thrusted was not helping. Just feeling that extra sense of overstimulation while his shaft filled every nook and cranny of your cunt, feeling his length bulge in your stomach.
Holding your body to his, your face buried in his neck begging him to please let you come. The hand beneath you pushing you flush against his own body. If it wasnât for his shirt as of now, heâd be more vocal with how well youâre both feeling his cock go in and out of you. For now heâs relying on his sweet words, worshiping how well youâre taking him.
Specifically: âFeel how perfectly you were meant for me, pretty girl?â He grabs your hand holding his shoulder, pressing it against your stomach and for some reason that makes you feel like you could come any second now, begging him silently to let you. To please grant you this one thing.
âFuck, Mark⌠just give me this, pleaseâŚâ You cry out, eyes screwed shut, lashes wet from pained and pleasured tears. You felt it in your core, you felt how bad your body clamored for some release.
âHow bad do you want it?â He asks, his own words struggling to come out unlike the pre-come lining your walls. âAs much as you.â You claim, fingernails clinging to his skin, a shallow groan leaving him. He likes to know how much you need him and if you were going to the lengths of hurting him to leave your message, so be it.
With every thrust, your nails dig deeper into his shoulder blades, sliding down his back. Whether he was picking up masochism or basked in the pleasure of the sadism he inflicted, Mark felt it. He felt how he gave out before you. Spurts of come followed with desperate deep moans that you swallowed in dire need of your own release.
But he was cruel. Very fucking cruel that the second that he stopped spasming and decorating your walls, his actions halt. For a few seconds he holds his position, head on your chest trying to relax his body full of adrenaline. If he was to look at you, he knew your face would beg him for your own release.
After a minute or two he pulls away slowly, taking his shirt off and reaching for the wipes inside his night stand. He warms them with his breath, moving them around to disperse the heat, only to lay them flat between your legs to clean off anything that fell out (although not much), propping your legs up and laying some pillows behind your back so you could rest for now.
Tongue poking his cheek before sighing and turning his back to you. âThatâs cruel.â He didnât say anything furthermore, his voice harsh and cold. Locking the bathroom door behind him and leaving you sprawled on the bed, arousal immediately terminated and the only feeling was of regret for saying what you did and letting things go this far. You couldnât cry either, the other two would probably cut you off this time for good. So youâll deny your body from letting out its emotions again. Afterall, Mark has made you be so resilient in that aspect.
Jungwooâs and Jaehyunâs tasks were complete by the time Mark had gotten out of the shower, lunch too. The entire time underwater he spent it beating himself for the decisions heâs made to let things go this way. A month ago he was content thinking his wife loved him despite his flaws but Jaehyunâs big mouth made him unravel slowly that he was doing more harm than building an eternal home. Mark was resentful, heâs not going to deny that. He hated how quickly theatrics and how easy things he saw as fine can fall.
It stung more that you were laughing uncontrollably with the other two, seemingly neither had anything to mention of the marks on your neck or the completely different outfit you have in comparison to the shorts and blouse from earlier. Hell, Jaehyun is sitting in his chair rubbing salt on the wound and you are not saying anything upon noticing Mark; it sucked the life out of him. A slug in a bath of salt.
âSit, Iâll fix your plate.â You smile at him as if nothing had happened in the four walls of the bedroom, your conformity noticeable. By this point he had taken the cold seat he was unfamiliar with. Sitting across from you was not something he was accustomed to, not in his own home at least, but here he was, watching two men who actually do drop everything for you. Two men that were his friends first, cracking jokes just to make you smile and laugh at which you did, enough to hunch over, something you haven't done with him in a while.Â
Mark had blocked out the conversation completely, watching your moves and theirs. Your facial expressions and where your hands landed from time to time. That deafness fell when you placed the plate before him. The presentation made it obvious that others had gotten to your food before him. The mixture of ingredients painting the canvas of his plate faster than prior times when he was the first to cut through the masterpiece of your dishes. This time it was tampered and by the looks of Jaehyunâs still neatly moved around plate, he was the one to break through first.
Throughout lunch Mark tried his best to not speak, only replying when spoken to or agreeing in some sense. Things got worse when your cell phone kept buzzing and buzzing uncontrollably on the kitchen counter that made the other two give each other a glance, this time, not gone unnoticed by him and piquing his interest further.
The incessant buzzing continues, enough that Jungwoo sighs before lolling his head to give you a weird look. âIs it that dick?â Â
âOh?â Mark thinks to himself, an eyebrow raising as he begins to chew slower. Your glare towards Jungwoo to hush him is futile when Jaehyun joins. âHavenât you told him to stop bothering you after work?â He sounded angry, the type of rage Mark should have, not Jaehyun. In his mind: Jealousy and that made his feelings worse.
How selfish.
âWhat dick? What are you guys on about?â Mark was so annoyed and frustrated at this point that venom laced every single one of his words, spraying it as he flayed his hands. Your silence made it worse, more painful was that you did so while Jaehyun and Jungwoo took it upon themselves to explain. The two, immensely tired of you not saying anything, of not speaking up.
Jungwoo goes first, he knows, they work together for Christâs sake. âWhatâs his name? Ah, whatever⌠Y/nâs floor colleague has been bothering her for a while, you should know.â He frustratedly shakes his head, fork digging into his plate without noticing the look Mark throws at you. âYeahâŚâ He mutters, eyes never leaving you, all knowing heâs lying and upset.
âYou should really report him, Y/n-ie.â Jaehyun breaks through, forcing Markâs neck to snap and look at him. He was just making things worse because all Mark could feel was his lunch rapidly collecting in his throat. Cutlery dropping from his hands.
âY/n-ieâ?! What an insolent fuck! Thatâs what Mark thought of Jaehyun. How dare he use a diminutive for you? Who the fuck did he think he was? Not even he, Mark, your husband called you that. What a fucking asshole.
How selfish.
A coward too, he wouldnât know how to react either way. Instead he revels in your words as a distraction. âMy boss seems to like him a lot. The only one getting in trouble would be me.â You sigh, fork moving food around. Mark looked between you and your actions, you noticed him, that you took a few bites to make him stop.
âWhy donât you apply to where we work?â He suggests, chewing what was on his fork, now using it to point between him and Jaehyun. Foolish to not grasp yet how that would mean seeing Jaehyun more and having it rub in his face that even under the same roof youâll run to him for favors.
You liked the idea, it was easy to notice how much you perked up at the fact that he suggested being together 24/7 no matter the different departments.
Jungwoo had other plans, âThen youâd leave me alone.â He pouts childishly. On other occasions heâd laugh too and call him cute but he doesnât think he can see Jungwoo as fondly as before. âMove to my floor instead.â He continues to test the waters but is met with a kind giggle and shrug from you.
The afternoon transpired with finishing lunch. Jaehyun had insisted on cleaning the dishes while Jungwoo the pots. Mark on the other hand sat on the couch, eyes often stealing glances on how you interacted with the other two. If you tried to clean, theyâd reject the idea and tell you to just go sit and do what Mark is doing: nothing; an obvious jab.Â
Ending their visit with discussing the kick-back Johnny was hosting at his place in a few weeks. Something about the Champions or US Open? Youâre not sure. You were growing more worried about Mark, that you ended up telling whoever to just text you the deets. They smiled with a nod⌠and a kiss to your cheek as a goodbye while waving to Mark who perked at the scene. He felt his eyes warm and heavy. Not sure if they were tears beginning to form from jealousy or insecurity.Â
You throw him an acknowledging smile while making your way to the bedroom. He stood up, leaving the TV on to follow behind. Before you could open the closet door to fetch something to sleep in, you feel his arms wrap around you. There was desperation to his grab, his hold was rough. Your back hit his chest, feeling his exasperated breath on your neck. Soft kisses at first but nipping soon after to leave his name all over you again, claiming you since it seemed like the others werenât being repelled.
âMark?âŚâ You call out, his hands knead your skin. âWhy didnât you tell me?⌠Why did you keepââ âeverythingâ he wanted to say, âthat from me?âÂ
âCome onââ you intend to plead but heâs not letting it go. âWhy?!â He asks exasperatedly against your face while he leaves wet kisses on the skin, pleadingly. âI didnât want to burden you.â You confess, a whine at the harsh grasp.
âYouâre my wife! I need to know these types of things, Y/n. You canât just keep things from me, how can we be good toâ how can it be good for us?â He exclaims; angry and wailing all at once.
âHow can we be good together like this?â He wanted to say, biting his tongue to not tell truths while sober. Mark didnât know what it was, but it hurt. He had been thinking about this for weeks. How to ask you overall about the things youâve hidden from him but now that he has the chance to bring it up, he canât help but feel resentful and pained.Â
Why did you trust Jaehyun and Jungwoo more than him? Heâs your husband.
He expected that once married, loyalty would be granted to him no matter what, one way or another. Just like she had granted it to Donghyuck despite how flawed their marital logic was.
Sure, he made things worse but would the universe be cruel enough for him to be in Hyuckâs shoes years later? He deserved it, he knew, something at least, but that ill side of himâ what he had learned from her plagues him and demands you to love him unconditionally. To do things on your own without the help of others even when heâs the one to deny you any aid, when heâs at fault.
Mark is miserable and he expects you to be so too⌠even more than you already are.
Misery loves company.
His hands stopped their harsh kneading, turning you around to look at him. His tired and weary eyes looked straight into yours. But while he felt resentful and confused, you felt odd. Why was he acting like he cared all of the sudden? It was strange and while you appreciated it to an extent, you also hated it.
You werenât used to it at least, and you werenât sure if this act would last. You donât want to admit it but that voice hidden in the vault of your heart loathes him more than anything.
âOkayâŚâ You nod. âIâm sorry. Iâll tell you things more often, yeah?âÂ
âPleaseâŚâ
You nod and he nods, pleadingly; heâs not content and neither are you.Â
After that discussion, the day transpired as if nothing had happened. He had returned to the living room leaving you to do whatever while he kept his distance. Only answering with hums and nods whenever you come out of the room.
Did you mind? No, it was so normalized it didnât make you angry anymore. You actually felt like things were back to normal and this was sufficient enough. Mark on the other hand tried everything to ignore how he felt or regulate those emotions since he wasnât too sure who he was mad with.Â
By the time he had figured he was over it, you had fallen asleep alone like all those times he did weeks prior. A warmth filled his chest at the thought. An inkling telling him to wake up before you do the following day just to leave that dissatisfaction you had left in him, not accounting with how disappointed you were with him already that it wouldnât affect you in the slightest.
He wouldnât do it, though. Not because he cared enough, but because he wasnât planning on waking up early to be petty. What he will do is go back to the living room and let his fingers roam like Thing until those crumpled and messy pages sat on his lap and he laid on the couch, stereo system on.
Instantly heâs met with those familiar sharp corners and loops. Numbers, increasing and decreasing significantly. The larger ones bold from rage, the decreasing one's neatly written with smiley faces next to them. He still couldnât figure out what they meant but he surely enjoyed the recipes you kept adding to the journal and the doodles of how they turned out. Although, he felt that they lacked so much substance.
All of these felt either welcoming or asked that he be eradicated from this earth for the way heâs breaching your privacy, acting like an over controlling strict father despite being your husband. Almost like his dad, but donât tell him that or heâll throw a fit. For having lived so many lives, he's surely turning into the worst version of himself.
Through more flipping to see if he missed anything, he came across some interesting notes. All which made his stomach churn and that pride he would once feel, turned toâ well, some type of disgust and concernâŚ
âIâll do anything for him but every day Iâm going insane with tense trials. Itâs fine. If I have to go insane to stay with him I will.â
Mark sighs heavily, hands covering his face to soon slide off hoping his flesh would fall with them, groaning to himself.
Fuck, he loved you. In a fucked up way he did but how much could he endure knowing things arenât fine and dandy? Sure, his first instinct is to try and fix things but thereâs also that part that wonât let him strive for any change and itâs winning.
Change hasnât been the kindest to him in the past. Hell, itâs the reason heâs morphed into what he is now but you accept him this way. Thatâs what the incessant and pestering part of him told him to let things be and just act like he doesnât know what you truly are.
He should be glad, no? To know that you love him so much that itâs killing you. Yet, he isnât. Heâs not sure why, maybe because of his deep buried true morality but he has also grown to be selfish and he wants to relish in the glory of your love until you hit a breaking point.
For once he doesnât want to be a Bernal character and it seems this is where he is slowly breaking that patternâ albeit, he is not enjoying it either.Â
Perhaps it was the hour, his growing resentment, anger, and hurt, or he was overstimulated that caused the music in the background to tremble and clog his ears the longer he kept reading. Lists upon lists of things you had to do at work followed by entries on how much longer your hours would run every instance you paid no mind to that dick that the guys described.
Countless entries of your boss calling your attention after that asshole complains. Instances in which, despite how many pictures of Mark you put up in your cubicle, he makes an effort to make them disappear any time youâre not near. On company dinners, Jungwoo and you make it your lifeâs mission to slither away from the crowdâ to be seen but not noticed, enough to not be reprimanded when youâre miles away from danger.
âJungwoo mentions in passing every opening in his floor as an incentive to ask for a transfer. Going as far as getting letters of assistance to request my temporary time in the department. Hours to days, they have been great but not everything lasts. With just one foot back inside in my department, the entire mood shifts and itâs back to reality.â
Mark doesnât understand why his chest aches every time he reads your journal. Perhaps thereâs a moderate amount of empathy but he also feels hurt knowing youâre hiding so much from him.
Years worth of things and even if you donât say it, you make it known you hate the person he is. Mark is sure that if you weren't attached to him like you are, youâd loathe him the way you loathe everyone who has wronged you. He wonders how long it will be until your love runs out and he will finally become one of them.
He shouldnât expect it but if it happened with Donghyuck who promised to never leave him, of course it can happen with you who he has wronged just as bad as his brother, even if you do everything in your power to prove him wrong. Mark tends to bite the hand that feeds him, if he gnaws for far too long, surely there will be consequences.
03:46, a warm night in 2008⌠Aggravated and nauseous from making your suffering about himself, Mark dictates that it was enough meddling for the day. Tiresome and bleary-eyed, head thumping achingly with the music debilitating him; Mark stands up frustratedly to turn off Sinead OâConnor angrily screaming âyouâre a liarâ over and over making him forget about the journal on his lap.
The vegan leather taunts him with its loud thump against the floor, screeching as he picks it up but in the process he drops some notes. âFuck me!â He curses frantically, knowing youâll definitely know heâs been snooping when none of these end up where you originally placed them. He starts to panic, he feels his heart race dangerously, his aching head is now spinning, flipping through pages to see where he can put these in, yet in the process he stops.
âDonât beat yourself up because of him. Iâll always be on your corner and so will Jungwoo. I love you, y/n. â Jaehyunie âĄâ
I love you, y/n⌠Not âwe love youâ but âI. I love youâ.
Markâs blood runs cold, his eyes bulge. In that moment he feels his chest and heart compress, squeezing the life out of him.
This is what Markâs fears came to. He worried so much about your unconditional love becoming conditional, that the universe allowed him to see the incriminating clue that told him that sooner than later that was to happen. Right?
 âDinner on me today! NO buts! Who else can take care of you if not for Jaehyun and me?! XOXO â Snoops XD.â
The pitch black ink taunts him, questioning how recent or how old these must be. The handwriting felt juvenile with every smooth corner and small bottoms. The top of every letter felt bubbly and messy when connecting. Jaehyunâs could still be neat when messy and for some reason that bothered Mark more.
Unbeknownst to Mark, the papers were crumpling between his shaky fingers. As shaky as his breath restraining whatever he was feeling. âWho else can take care of you if not for Jaehyun and me?â Mark repeats to himself that same question for a hundred more times, each making him more angry. âWho else but her husband? Me!â He wants to yell at the top of his lungs. Drill it in the minds of everyone in your shared circle. He was capable of taking care of you!
But being capable doesnât change the fact that he didnât nor put effort into doing so.
No, Mark didnât want to think about it. He didnât want to jump into conclusions of infidelity or anything down that rabbit hole. He knew you wouldnât do it. He wants to think that, he wants to believe it. Youâre literally ruining yourself for him, so why would you do all that to throw it all away? Regardless, he canât swallow the lump in his throat.Â
He also once thought him and Hyuck would be in each otherâs lives until they died. It later turned into him believing Hyuck would fade into the shadows of this earth and not ever see him because she would be his, choosing him, but that didnât happen. In fact it was the opposite. He also didnât become the renowned artist he was in his college years with a list full of connections that left him when he fell from grace.Â
He didnât end up thriving in the studio where he was meant to start over and is now in a dead-end design engineering job because of his father and his connections, not Markâs. Did he know anything about it going in? He knew the word design but oh god how far can connections go if he landed something like that.
Even you, he met you because of his father, and the bells of the life he avoided for years rang incessantly letting him know no one can run from their faith. No matter how hard they try.
It didnât matter if he was or wasnât in Hyuckâs shoes, it only mattered that he now knew how much pain Hyuck was going through seeing his wife rejoice in the care and love of men he considered friends. That and the fact that he was making your unraveling all about himself, at least they can share that too.
He couldnât understand how you acted so peaceful and put together when during lunch heâd visit the cafes you frequented with Jungwoo and found you the same as the first time. Exasperated, vexed, and angry with a cigarette between your fingers when you two were to leave.
A chuckle on his lips remembering all the times you pestered him to quit smoking because you wanted him for many years to come. Now heâs not sure if you want to be with him as much, no matter how many times you write about it.
âYouâre still a liar, youâre still a liar, youâre still a liar!â
Monday rolled around in which Mark swore to not allow Jungwoo another lunch date with you. Furthering his selfishness and restricting your moments of relief so he could take that time up. You wouldn't mind, right? Itâs him after allâŚ
It goes to say that when he stepped through the ample threshold of your floor with a cute little bag in his hand and some drinks in the other, that confusion crossed your mind before that thought was pushed back by adoration.Â
âWhat are you doing here?â You ask with a warm smile. You felt like a child whose parents never showed up for any activities but this one. That childish glee and relief of knowing that you are loved. âCanât pay my wife a visit?â Mark retaliates with a cheeky smile, leaning in to give you a short but sweet kiss.
You want to say it felt like when you first began dating. So sweet, tender, and soft. How he was before you married and his facade fell, showing how dependent he was. His small acts of love come through.
You want to believe it so bad that youâre willing to push back the tiny voice in your head trying to force you to question what he wanted out of you if he was willing to visit you this far.
âWell yeah,â You giggle in an effort to leave your desk. âCome, letâs go to the rooftop.â Your hand takes a hold of his wrist, pulling him along until that incessant blob of human flesh presents itself right in front of you both, blocking the way.Â
âWell look at that. Your husband, right? Didnât think youâd like the soft onesâŚâ A mocking grin slapped on his face, arms crossed against his chest. He wasnât much taller than Mark but he sure was confident to take a step closer to you both. Mark opts to carry all bags in one hand, twisting his wrist to hold your hand rather than you him.
You sigh, looking for ways to respond but Mark doesnât give you time, walking around him with you in front, ignoring any calls from him to go back for a conversation. Such an insufferable man, Mark was aware but to you, this moment, you were still treating it like one of your earlier dates. His attentiveness and courage of protecting you. You missed that Mark and any resentment from marrying him faded for now.
âThatâs him?â Mark breaks the silence, the walk to the rooftop consisting of him complaining from these few seconds they met. If he thought this much from only that timeframe, you wonder how long he would have lasted in your shoes.Â
You responded to his complaints with nods and hums, taking a seat across from him on the bistro table. He laid back on the chair relaxed, if it wasnât for his babbling one would think he wasnât really affected.
âAnd, I mean, heâs such a dick.â He groans, sitting up straight, his roll of eyes halting upon noticing you pick at one half of the sandwich.Â
Mayo wiped off, pickles on the bundle of used napkins, the turkey they touched on top of them, chunks of old avocado added to the tower. âWhat are you doing? Why are you picking at your food all of the sudden?â He leans against the table, elbows on the glass to be closer to you. In that instance, you stop your actions, looking at him through lashes before raising your head.
âMark, I don't like these. I thought you knew by nowâŚâ
Fuck.
âNo, yeah, I know. Iâm sorryâŚâ His hand leaves his chin, stretching it to hold yours. âSorry, I forgot to check the order at the cafe, I didnât want traffic to get me.â You smile at him, he smiles at you. You know heâs lying but itâs the thought that counts. âPlus, I think I came at the perfect time. Imagine I had come later and he had bothered you more?â His fingers squeeze yours, a little too hard if you say so.Â
Heâs received with a shrug. âHeâs a dick, like you said.â You giggle softly, pulling your hand away to wipe them with another napkin. âHe doesnât react like that with Jaehyun, though. Does everything to avoid him.â Your head tilts, reassembling the sandwich to presentability.Â
âJaehyun?â You gave him that same look as when he questioned you seconds earlier, except it was softer and almost incriminating. You didnât mean it in any form, more casually but after his findings, Mark canât say heâs too happy with this information.
âOh, well, when you canât bring what I ask you to, I⌠sometimes ask Jae. So, they've met beforeâŚâ Your gaze lowers, taking the other sandwich half onto your hands. âI think heâs scared of Jae, to be honest.â You giggle in attempts to break whatever tension you felt from your husband.
âJae, Jae, Jae. Christ, what a broken record.â Mark thought, an urge to roll his eyes at the mention of his coworker. For fucks sake, he was the last thing he wanted to think about or even see. The only reason he saw him today was because of work but that should be it. He shouldnât be hearing or thinking about his name here with you. Let alone hear it coming from you, his wife.
Stretching your hand towards him, you smile. âHere, eat the other half. These are huge on their own.â He took it, lunch soured by your incessant need to bring up Jaehyun and that dickhead from earlier.
Was this how he was paid? Making an effort to be a good husband just to have things be thrown in his face?
Lunch ended not too long after, he was on his own lunch break after all. It goes to say that his drop off and goodbye bid seemed lackluster in comparison to his greeting.
âUm, and donât forget to file a floor change.â He gave you a tired smile and a quick kiss. It was the last thing he said to you while fixing any pictures of you two on your desk âthree missing nowâ before heading towards the elevator.Â
Like an act of a malice-meaning demon, when reaching the twelfth floor, the doors yanked themselves open like a grand introduction to a world renowned boxer or an all-show wrestler, showcasing that smug pug-faced asshole. A silent chuckle upon placing himself next to Mark who slumped against the railing and mirror walls.
Mark greeted him with a huff, head lolling similar to his eyes. The feeling got worse when he heard him blubbering, âAt first I thought that the other guy was her boyfriend. You know, tall, dimples; suits her better.â He nods to himself, egging Markâs ringing ears.
Here they went again. Bringing Jaehyun into every conversation. Itâs made worse knowing that this idiot felt even Jaehyun could be your partner. That no matter how many images of Mark you display, to the world only Jae was good enough for you. Because heâs the only one who shows up.
âHe seems like an actual man or that guy from the floor below. The orange haired one, a little weird but he surely goes out of his way to not let me have some fun for the day.â He laughs, snorting at his abhorrence. He turns to Mark, swallowing that disgusting lump of mucus in his throat, hand itching to come in contact with Markâs smooth cheek. A pat of mockery. âSheâs doing charity work with you.âÂ
Ironic, Mark would say. Ironic that he thinks youâre doing charity work with him when this idiot was never an afterthought. The older man insists on glaring at Mark, not letting their gazes drop, seeking any response from Mark even when the elevator rings, letting them know theyâve hit the garage lobby. He felt victorious feeling as if he had struck a nerve when Mark hopped off without a peep. Only for his triumph to be shut down shortly after.
âNo wonder she has never mentioned you before. Youâre repulsive to even think about and a sorry excuse for a man.â
A disgusted scowl replaced Markâs poker face, glaring at the once mocking jackass whose face had sagged, shock turning into anger that he didnât know how to express before the doors closed, making his target disappear from view.
Mark might have felt great in the moment but things could only go worse for you. He didnât think about the consequences of his actions. He never did. He didnât think about how it would affect you at work and the repercussions you faced for the weeks to come. Mark hadnât processed he was at fault until your journal became frantic, pages with holes from how hard you wrote on them. Crumpled from the anger you couldnât express besides abusing those pages.
He didnât notice because he was indulging amongst the side notes and words highlighted with your tears about how scared you were of losing him. Your quick remarks on how you felt him pulling away or acting odd. Imploring to whichever higher being to not take him from you if that was the case. While youâre wallowing in the pits of your sadness hoping he wonât leave you, Mark enjoys the feeling of warmth seeing your desperation.
It meant you loved him, right? With how things were going on with Jaehyun, Mark took any crumb of your love that only felt real when you wrote about it. Itâs hard to understand why he didnât feel it was real when it came from your lips but it did when you confessed to the things youâve put yourself through for him. For him, not Jaehyun, him, Mark. That felt like love.
Right, only on paper it felt like love. Not like now that you found yourself in Johnnyâs kitchen with Jaehyun next to you like a guard dog, chewing your ear off with whatever he was saying despite your look of anguish. A worrying look to Mark and the likes of hisâ well, your friend it seems.
He had been enjoying the final match with Johnny, Yanyang, and the other coworkers they shared. You had been sitting by his side for most of it but it wasnât until a few minutes ago that Jaehyun pulled you aside, asking for your help to make some drinks for the rest of the guests but now he was holding you hostage, begging you to drink some water.
Mark figured the drinks you had were getting to you and Jaehyun could tell. He wonât say heâs fond of that fact. That Jaehyun knows you well to the point he can tell when you need to be cut off.
Mark tried not making it obvious but when only his head isnât turned to the TV and the host is making sure his guests are having a good time, well itâs hard to miss. Johnny notices it too, how Jaehyun was fixing you a slider, the words: âYou havenât eaten well, stop trying to fool me.â sternly spewing from his mouth.
No mayo, no pickles, no condiments at all. Just a plain cheeseburger slider. He knew how you liked it by heart and thatâs something that makes Markâs heart pound in hate.
The feeling becomes worse when your whispering turns frantic and almost audible for the rest to hear. Your words whining like you wanted to cry about how hellish work has become after Markâs visit. Jaehyun shakes his head, hands pressing against the counter to lean against with an angry look on his face. That infamous look of hollow cheeks and sunken dead eyes. He wanted to say something but knew it was best to be a shoulder to lean on.
âAnd donât tell me to talk to him about it because whatâs the use?! You know how he is. I love him, I do butââ Your hands come in contact with your forehead, shaking it a bit, âWhy canât he just be a tad bit like you?âŚâ You hiccuped, hands slowly sliding down to your mouth as you shut your eyes. It wasnât a sign of regret but exhaustion, vile stuck in your throat.Â
Jaehyunâs face softened, standing up straight to turn to you. To some form of comfort, his hand extends to rub your back, pulling you in for a side hug while you try to hold in whatever you feel. Jaehyun understands your words come from a place of hurt but confessions like that can be taken wrongly.
âWhy canât he be just a tad bit like you?...â Just like Mark had, who now felt his heart shatter. Disillusioned and hurt, stupid for thinking that you would want him no matter what. Worse off, it was Jaehyun who you confessed that to. Someone that everyone thought was a better fit for you.
Iâm sorry Iâm the one you love. No one will ever love me like you again.
Johnny took it upon himself to raise the volume of the TV, sparing Mark from any more anguish and saving your business to be heard by the other guests who by the graces of God were more interested in who would win the Stanley Cup this season.
His attempts didnât work. Mark felt his world crashing down on him in this instance. He wanted to go out and scream, cry even, at the reviving memories flashing through his head. Heâs seen this beforeâ no, heâs experienced this.
Her cries to him about Hyuck to soon commence their affair in that same instance. If that was to happen in these walls, Mark thinks itâs his time to take a leap out of Johnnyâs apartment balcony.
So when you leave me, I should die. I deserve it, donât I? I can feel it getting near.
The vile stuck in your throat had been persistent on coming out, enough to push Jaehyun out of the way to run towards Johnnyâs bathroom. Itâs amazing how enthralled with the game his guests were to not notice anything happening behind them. To not feel Markâs radiating poison as he watches his wife and âfriendâ rush towards the bathroom, door slamming behind him. If it wasnât for Jenoâs and Yangyangâs cheering scream, they would hear you hurl the slider into the toilet bowl, crying along with self-disgust.
Mark couldnât hold it in anymore; abruptly he stands, ignoring Johnnyâs sympathetic look. Not only for him but for you too, aware of Markâs own flaws. He had thoughts of barging in and blowing Jaehyunâs ear off with his barking. Questioning you about what was going on, but he slowed down when he heard you hiccup and cry before and after vomiting. Jaehyunâs soothing hushes to you making his head spin but innocent enough.
Innocent until he opened his mouth. âShh, itâs okay. Let it out, itâs okay, pretty girl.â Jaehyun coos into Markâs eardrum through a megaphone to imprint the notes of his voice onto his brain.Â
Pretty girl. Thatâs his pet name for you, Markâs pet name. Hurt floods him when you make no effort to correct him and present this fact.
Since when have you become someone elseâs pretty girl?
He couldnât take it any longer, angrily slamming the door open to watch Jaehyun soothing you with backrubs, holding your hair as you went.
âWhat the fuck are you doing?!â Mark spits out venom, mimicking that of a cobra. His eyes widened by hot fury as he approached you two. You wanted to speak, but the invasion from your gut stopped you, tears being the only thing you were able to respond with.
Jaehyun on the other hand gives him a look as if to tell him to calm down, that everything was fine, more worried about your well being than Markâs insecurities. âJust helping her out, calm down.â
It aggravated him how collected Jaehyunâs words were, how little mind he paid him or how you made no effort to have Jaehyun stop giving you supportive squeezes (almost like you werenât fighting for your life).
Mark huffs, hands taking purchase on his waist watching you two, the volume to the television and the guests drawn out by your heaving. He whispers, walking towards Jaehyun with that same menacing lookâ eye roll worthy, Jaehyun would say.
âI just fucking heard you, sheâs my wife. What the fuck are you trying to do?â His finger rose to poke at Jaehyunâs shoulder. The taller one of the two feeling offended by Markâs accusations and thoughts that heâd snake him like that. Jaehyun was not Mark.
âSorry, thatâs on me,â Jaehyun slaps Markâs hand away, creating some distance. âI'm just helping herââ âBack the fuck off, sheâs my wifeâŚâÂ
Tired enough by this facade, Jaehyun scowls at Mark, pushing past him towards the door. âThen donât be a shitty husband and she wonât have to seek other people to do what you canât! I know how to respect marriages well enough, if anything Iâm just helping her. Something you should do for once in your fucking life.â
Jaehyun bites back, watching Markâs face falter as he slams the door behind him while you continue your sobbing. Overwhelmed by your bodily reaction but mostly for what just ensued in this room. With no form to defend yourself and Jaehyun. Hurt that Mark thought you two would betray him like heâs done to those before you.
You believe me like a God, Iâll betray you like a man.
In that instance Mark wanted to run to Jaehyun and gouge his eyes out, rip his stupid freshly bleached hair out, and beat him until he was nothing else than liquid matter. The words rang horribly inside his head to the point he was seeing red, his vision blurred and stars were floating in his eyes.
History was repeating itself and he was finally paying his wrong doings. He thought Jungwoo and Jaehyun were his friends but Hyuck thought the same of him and now heâs found himself in this predicament.
You're sweet, you're lovely. You go out of your way to make Mark happy so it was him all along. He's the problem and karma is finally making him pay the price.
Jaehyun understood it was his fault for being careless and using pet names but can one blame him when he was worried? Someone has to if not the one who bowed to do so. Even when heâs gone from eye sight, Jaehyunâs efforts are felt through Johnny who knocks on the door. Mark opens it slightly, Johnny standing before him with a glass of water and baking soda. Telling him about how Jaehyun sent him before leaving; for you to swish your mouth with this and drink some sparkling water to soothe your stomach ache.
Mark took it without a word, nodding at Johnny before shutting the door in his face as if this wasnât his home. You were up on your feet by the time Mark turned around, lid closed as you flushed the toilet, reaching the sink to rinse your mouth before taking the glass from his hand. No words from either of you.
He looked at you through the mirror, arms crossed and factions softening upon noticing how tired and sick you looked. Gauntly, lips and eyes puffed out, and cheeks streaked. It was best to go home after that incident, only giving Johnny an apologetic goodbye while the rest of the guests paid no mind. On your end you were out of the apartment already, embarrassment laced on your face.Â
And even through the car ride, all you could think about was Markâs words and actions. Memories of Mark smugly telling his ex-best friend words Jaehyun spat at him flooded his vision, making it dangerous for him to be driving. To his side you grunted in discomfort, feeling as if vile was to rise from you again but he paid you no mind, made no effort to comfort you, more focused on his own feelings.
The look Hyuck had on his face eight years ago was the one Mark mirrors this night. One way or another one will pay for all their sins and you were his cross.
He didnât talk to you for the remainder of the night. Didnât care enough to question why you fell ill or how frightened you were about the possibility that this may be it, that this was his excuse to leave you behind.
The thoughts, his actions and words clouding your mind through your shower, skin care routine, and brushing your teeth. Spending minutes upon minutes doing the latter, disgusted by yourself. Brushing away all the vile you wanted to throw at him but instead ended down Johnnyâs plumbing. For only Jaehyun to hear and understand.
Mark laid down on his side by the time you came out of the bathroom. You knew he was angry, his stiff body making no effort to move even when feeling the bed sink under your knees. He tried not to move when he felt your arms wrap around him seeking comfort in his warmth, but Mark wasnât willing to give it to you. Without a care if he hurt you, which is what he did.
âWhy donât you love me anymore?â
Your words made his eyes open. Startled, his body hardens under your touch, almost like your upcoming tears were freezing him on the spot. Damp on his sleeping shirt but hot on his back. He turns abruptly, pushing back a bit in the process. âWhat are you even taââ
âWhy donât you love me anymore?!â You cut him off, voice raising to something heâs never heard before. âYouâve been so distant. More than usual and I canât take it anymore!â Your palms cover your eyes, pushing back tears, forbidding you to look at that mocking grin on his face as he shakes his head in disbelief.Â
Youâre the one who grows distant when I beckon you near.
His voice on the other hand makes sure you know how he feels. âYou think so? I think this is the closest Iâve been to you.â He chuckles, taking into account that look of confusion on your face as you put down your hands, resting them on your lap. âWhy donât you tell me anything, Y/n? You tell Jungwoo everything. You ask Jaehyun to do everything for you. Iâm your husband, why don't you donât you trust me enough?âÂ
Your confusion falls, disgust and anger replace it. âWhen I ask anything out of you, you never want to nor know how to do it.â Your voice was hurt, head shaking a tad with every syllable, hate laced into each one. He hated how much your reaction resembled Jaehyunâs.
He doesnât want to admit youâre right, âYou ask the most absurd of favors.â He scoffs, sitting up to be face to face with you. âAre you fucking serious? Youâre a grown man who canât cook or clean for himself. Up until I saw you at the bakery I thought you didnât know where it was but then I saw you with another girl there.â You huff, arms flailing like when youâre with Jungwoo.Â
There would be some satisfaction in him to know your true self is here talking with him but bringing old news made him groan. âI thought you said it was fine and weâd drop it there.â He takes into account the glare youâre throwing him, smoke coming out of your ears the longer neither of you speak.
If he had known a few drinks would do this to you, he would have not let you drink. The thing is, Mark pays no mind to you to not notice youâve drank mocktails all night. He was more worried about Jaehyun than you.
âItâs not fine when youâre with some other girl to a place you keep avoiding when I ask you to go. Is it because of her? Is she the one taking my place now?â Your voice came out choppy, acheful, with the question, inhaling and exhaling to calm yourself down.
He on the other hand doesnât take it kindly, annoyed that youâd think about him that way but that's what heâs been thinking about you, so what difference does it make? It would not be his first rodeo, so are you that insane to think of him like that?
Iâll betray you like a man.
Mark stands from the bed, crouching to eye-level with you as if you were a child heâs lecturing. âItâs not because of her, I donât give a fuck about her! I barely know her, she is just an intern, and hasn't been there for a month now! We were sent by my boss!â His fingers poke his temple, in a form to tell you to get it through your head.
âBut Iâm right? You donât love me anymore.â
Mark stands up straight in disbelief with your words despite none defending his case coming from his own mouth. He could see how your heart was crushing with every passing second.
The truth is hiding in your eyes and itâs hanging on your tongue. Just boiling in my blood.Â
âAll this time I thought you were calm⌠level headedâ but you're the opposite... you donât talk to me, you tell Jaehyun and Jungwoo everything. Why canât you tell me everything? Why can't you need and trust me?â His voice softens, calming down.
âBecause you donât ever want to listen to me! I canât need you when you do everything in your power for me not to!â Truth is, he did know how to clean and cook for himself, he's done it before but he's grown selfish and dependent.
Your outburst left him speechless, all the sighs he had to give stuck and dispersed through every crevice of his interior, poisoning his flow. He knows youâre right but he doesnât want to believe it.
âI give and give and give but I never receive! I love you so much, it's become so painful that I rather let it slide than be far from you.â You crawl closer to the edge of the bed, hoping to minimize the distance between you two. The feeling of proximity only seems to feel farther, leaving room for a blizzard to rest between you two.
Mark knows heâs not man enough, your coworker said it. He knows he doesnât help or take care of you, Jaehyun and Jungwoo told him so. None of these men had to tell him for him to know he doesnât deserve you. It just so happens to be that Mark is selfish and wasnât able to process it until now. He swore he believed you through writing but now, with you telling him directlyâ reality is forcing itself upon him.
âI think we should take a break.â
Selfish, selfish, selfish.
âWhat?â You ask confused and startled, looking up at him with fury in your eyes. âWhat? Donât be fucking stupid. Weâre married and weâll stay this way! It's not as easy as you let out, asshole.â You sniffle, getting off the bed now, approaching him despite the gap heâs formed between you two. In all senses.Â
âYouâre just not who I fell in love with anymore.â
You wanted to rip his hair out, claw his skin and inject your pain and love into him so he could understand what you felt. You knew he was selfish but how fucking stupid could he be?Â
âYouâre soâ youâre no fucking better than anyone else. You fell in love with the idea you made of me. Whatever the fuck that is! Any chance you get to see the real me you shut me down, Mark! Why canât you just love me?! Not the stupid girl you thought I was.â
Your cries stopped, hands taking purchase on his arms, squeezing tighter with the adrenaline of wrath coursing through your veins. You were tired, tired of his foolishness and in times like these, you werenât going to let him ruin what youâve built.
âYou fell in love with an idealized version of me too, if youâre still this in love.â Mark gulps, making no effort to move but his eyes felt heavy and tired. Hurt even, not sure if for himself or for you, empathy winning for once. Pity sounds better.
You think that I canât see what kind of man that you are. If youâre man at all.
âI see you for who you fucking are. Youâre selfish, you donât want to do things for others unless youâre getting something out of it. You weaponize your incompetence for me to do things for you. Youâre insecure especially with other men around me because you think of yourself exactly the opposite as them unless theyâre more pathetic compared to you.â Your finger poked his chest, reminiscing on how he began berating Jaehyun.
âYouâre especially jealous of your friends because they offer more for me than you do and thatâs your fault. You project your insecurities and mistakes onto them and me because youâre a bad friend, husband, and ultimately a bad person. Yet Iâm still with you because I love youâ even with everything you put me through and how you canât help but compare me toâ to her! Get over it and through your head, that was loneliness and you were the easiest victim. No one leaves their husband for someone they don't love.â
Like the pathetic man he was, he broke down. No amount of swallowing and gulping down the knot in his throat would go away. Tears streamed down his cheeks upon hearing you project onto the world what you had whispered to the toilet bowl earlier. Mark wasnât aware that you knew about Hyuck and her but he wouldnât doubt if you had come across letters from them both in the past just like he came across your journals.Â
Having you voice what he had been thinking about since that experience caused his world to finally see true color, despite you being purposely vicious. He knew what that fling meant for her, for Hyuck, and for him. It just so happens that it meant more for him and here he was taking it out on the only person who has stuck by his side.
You loved him but you also hated him and that was more than clear to him now.
âBetter reason for us to take a break. You deserve better⌠Iâm sorry Iâm the one you love. No one will ever love me like you again.â He sighs, sniffling, throwing his head back to not let any more tears shed.Â
âI donât care. If I go without you IâllâIâŚâ you clinging your nails to his shoulders trying to cut off your words. You knew what you wanted to say wasnât healthy, not for you and not for him. Mark knows this, weeks of reading your entries allowing him to understand what goes within the walls of your brain.Â
"Y/n please stop... youâre hurting me." It doesn't change the fact that feeling it was worse than reading it. âThen youâre a coward who would die within an hour in my shoes if I treated you the way you treat me.â You sternly and ferociously spit. He wails before doing the only thing he knew would calm you down.Â
Leaning in, he kisses you, meekly. Pouring in the love he once had for you and the remaining he has now. But your body rejects it, feeling how phony it is. Pushing him off, running to the restroom to repeat the happenings of earlier. Mark sighs in relief to have you not corner him but in this instance concern floods him.
He follows you to the bathroom, standing by the door frame with crossed arms. Watching you hold your hair like Jaehyun had done earlier. Tears back in your eyes as you continue to lash out your rage against the white porcelain that's witnessed this on other occasions. Although this was one that should symbolize happiness, yet itâs clear you both wonât take it as such.
Mark took a look at his watch, 11:28PM. âCome on, get your shoes. Iâll take you to urgent care, you probably just need some electrolytes.â He approaches you, aiming to help you up but you resist, shaking your head defeatedly.Â
âIâm not drunk.â You let out through gritted teeth. âNo?â He questions smugly, annoyed at your rejection. âThey were mocktails. These are normal symptoms.â He gives you a quizzical look. âLook in the drawer, Nancy Drew.â You huff, mocking him for his detective work these past weeks. It was only natural heâd find out eventually if he kept meddling in your journals.
With furrowed eyes, and look remaining, Mark pulls at the white drawer, the cold metal burning his warm hand. He digs and digs through piles of papers. All bills or old letters neither of you cared enough for. Reaching the bottom Mark feels something solid wrapped around a newer piece of paper. In comparison to the yellowing pages, this was white and bright, tied with a rubber band around the solid material.
He throws you a quick glance while taking it into his hands, unraveling the rubber to open it and come to view with three sticks, all with matching two-pink stripes. Any ounce of hope to restart is gone with the weight in his hands. Disappearing when he read the paper.
âLaboratory report Patient: Y/n Lee. Sampled collected: May 15, 2008. Report date: May 20, 2008 Status: Pregnant Gestational age: 5-8 weeks.â
Mark reads it over and over, finally having the courage to look at you. His eyes wide and dim, reflecting on your cold angry ones. This was it. It was his life. What you would have taken as a beautiful moment, you can now agree this seals your faith. The look you gave him mirroring his misery. At least now you both were on board for once, basking in the fact this was a deadend no matter what.
You both know nothing will get fixed, all there is left is to pretend for the life thatâs growing within you. Wreckless as ever, and the cycle of life continues. An innocent life to suffer the trails of a failed relationship for years to follow. Thatâs all Mark knows, thatâs all you know. Generational curses don't end with either of you.
if you liked happy together: itâs too bad youâre married⌠to me, youâll enjoy: stupid girl !
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Okay Burrow's End had me thinking some thoughts... So here are my favorite Dimension 20 moments that rotate like a rotisserie chicken in my brain (in no particular order other than the order I thought if them).
- Riz goes into the butthole of the Corn Ooze Monster (Fantasy High). The first absolutely insane shenanigans move anyone makes on D20, setting the tone the show will have forever.
- Raphaniel kills Queen Pamelia (Ravening War). I think I saw Brennan's soul leave his body briefly when he got that How Do You Want To Do This from Matt. Time was an absolute flat circle that day.
- Hank convinces Brennan to let him role savvy instead of sneak (Mentopolis). Hank is one of the most famous content creators, having him on the show was phenomenal to begin with. Then right out of the gate, he pulls this move in his first episode. And it just works. Hilarious, instantly iconic.
- Jet Dies (A Crown of Candy). When Lapin dies, it is shocking but I wasn't attached to him as a character. Lapin was a bit antagonistic and his death happens early in the season. On the other hand, Jet is instantly likeable. Emily and Siobhan are amazing as siblings, their performances this campaign are some of my favorites. I have siblings and I am very close to them, so this hit me like a ton of bricks.
- The entire epilogue of Burrow's End. "Are you pitching and Air Bud ending?" is one of the instant hall of fame quotes from this show. I started crying I was laughing so hard.
- Ylfa's bottleneck and the TPK (Neverafter). There are so many close calls for total party kills in Dimension 20 history, but this is where it finally happens and it's only 3 episodes in. I was on edge, expecting another TPK at any turn, for the rest of the campaign.
- 3 nat one initiative rolls for the battle that literally opens the season (A Starstruck Odyssey). The beginning of a new season is always full of excitement. This season was extra special, having everyone back in the dome after the pandemic and the season being based off Brennan's Mom's comics. The zoom energy is still in the air and I still think about this season opener a lot.
- Mother Timothy Goose breaks Snow White's concentration with a cantrip (Neverafter). Only Ally Beardsley could and we all damn well know it. Still didn't stop me from being so far in disbelief that all I could do is laugh.
- Hob's "You will never know another lonely day" speech to Rue (A Court of Fey and Flowers). I will still cry about this if I think about it for too long. Rue and Hob's romance is the heart of this season to me. I won't be over it ever.
- Gertrude convinces Nyruth to give the Questing Queens very powerful boons after the Queens tried to rob them only a few hours earlier (Dungeons and Drag Queens). The fact that this season exists drives a level of serotonin into my brain that is unimaginable. This is the definition of a big swing and when Bob rolls well, Brennan has no other choice than to honor it. This is one of the moments I have made a meme of. I cannot wait for season 2.
- Wuuvy shows up to the duel and she did not come to play (A Court of Fey and Flowers). Aabria has talked about how Wuuvy is one of her favorite NPCs and I feel the same. Wuuvy and Rue's relationship has such a great arc and this moment is so pivotal.
- Fabian's no good very bad day (Fantasy High Sophomore Year). An iconic moment in D20 history that was truly wild to watch live. For everything to go so fantastically bad for Fabian and Lou was unprecedented. There is a reason why people still talk about this moment to this day.
- Amathar survives being pushed off the castle (A Crown of Candy). Brennan tried to kill Lou so many times in this campaign. I really thought Brennan had gotten him with this one, my stomach sunk. But Lou pulls it out and Amathar lives once again.
- Pib plays "Smoke on the Water" (Neverafter). "I stepped out to play 'Smoke on the Water' " is also a hall of fame quote to me. This list could be all Pib moments if I'm being honest, he's my favorite Zac character. And the fact that Zac doesn't roll well makes this moment funnier to me.
- Buddy Bear gets planted with the All Blossom (Dungeons and Drag Queens). Jujubee and Brennan owe me a therapy session for this one. I sobbed. My cat is my baby and I will be ruined the day she leaves me, so I get it. I really do.
- "Eat your dice, Brennan" (Fantasy High Sophomore Year). A great bit made physically possible by Siobhan. I hope Siobhan gives him gummy dice or something like that so that Brennan can continue to eat his dice for Junior Year.
- Orange Top Hat Fairy (Neverafter). It's a horror season and the cast is doing bits about how hot a mini is the entire finale and the Adventuring Party that followed. I felt the stress and off the walls energy through the screen. The Smooth Criminal pin was the first piece of Dimension 20 merch I bought.
- Viola's epic takedown of Phoebe (Burrow's End). Watching Rashawn absolutely crush it her first time in the dome was amazing. I loved Viola from the jump, her arc was so satisfying and fun to watch. Also the idea of a tiny stoat kicking a gun just the right way to get it to fire is hilarious. No notes other than please have Rashawn come back on every season she possibly can.
- Evan Kelmp warns the Rosemont student not to duel him (Misfits and Magic). Brennan's deadpan warning matched with the reactions of the other players and Aabria really make this scene. An underrated Brennan moment for sure.
- Stacey Fakename turns out to be real (Mentopolis). This was such a good reoccurring bit, so to have Stacey be real at the end of the story was too funny. In a season of bits, tropes, and puns - this one has the most payoff to me and is definitely my favorite.
#dimension 20#d20#dimension 20 spoilers#d20 spoilers#dungeons and drag queens#fantasy high#fantasy high sophomore year#the ravening war#mentopolis#misfits and magic#a crown of candy#burrow's end#neverafter#a starstruck odyssey#a court of fey and flowers
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/r/stationsquare
I am at war with Sonic the Hedgehog
No, the title is not clickbait. I got a really nice hammock around two months ago and was having a great time using over the summer. It's one of those fancy ones with pillows and drink holders, so you can imagine that I was making great use of it.
Last week, I went to use it in the morning and found that it was covered in blue quills. Before you flame me in the comments, hear me out: I KNOW the city has an unofficial rule stating that you have to let Sonic use your lawn furniture whenever he wants. I KNOW he's saved the world a bunch of times over. Honestly, when I saw all the quills, I wasn't even mad. I pulled them out and carried on with my day.
But then it happened again. And again. And again. Guys, he sleeps on my hammock at least four times a week. I know he doesn't have a house or whatever (does anyone know why he chooses to be homeless???), but why does it have to be MY hammock all the time? It's really pissing me off.
Anyways, I've started to Sonic-proof my hammock, but nothing I've tried is working. I tried taking it down and putting it in my shed overnight, but I found quills in it again the next time I took it out. I think he literally set up the hammock and then put it back in the shed when he was done with it.
That wasn't the only thing I've done. I've left it covered in water (I guess he's only scared of actually drowning because that didn't work), mud and leaves (it came back clean?), and one time even covered it in crumbs so it would get infested with bugs (I think he just ate them). I'm out of ideas and I don't think he plans on stopping anytime soon.
Does anyone have any ideas? I'm going insane. Everything about Dr. Eggman is starting to make sense to me and it's terrifying.
edit: can the mods please tell people to be civil in the comments? edit 2: how is joking about eggman inappropriate? i didnt realize this sub was full of small animals. edit 3: what do you mean his fox friend is a mod here? does he even live here?
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Pick a card: Prelude to love.
First meeting your future spouse. When, where, and how.
Remember: Take only what resonates, this is a general reading. Tarot readings are done with entertainment purposes only. Hope you like it!
Pile 1 -> 3
Pile 1
When: 3 of cups, 3 of swords, 8 of wands, 2 of pentacles
3, 3 months?, 3 years?, March? August, Winter, winter blues. Early morning, after lunch.Â
Where: ace of pentacles, 6 of pentacles, 5 of wands, 2 of swords
Sports game, job interview? (That feels like a really weird setting), Boxing game, sports, yoga class, painting class. Decided to try a new hobby so you signed up for an activity or class. Garden. Betting (more like betting on a sport, than in a casino)
How is it going to be?: 2 of cups, ace of pentacles, king of wands, king of swords in rev, 8 of swords, the hierophant, 5 of wands rev, the fool, knight of swords
What a tension. I feel like people will look at you two thinking oh they will end up together, and you honestly would rather anything else, literally. Somewhat enemies to lovers, or more like I found them really annoying the first time we met. Makes you roll your eyes. Kind of rude to be honest. I feel like youâre both very competitive and stubborn people, weâre from different teams. It will take more for you two to actually click. It feels like being in the same group not by choice, but slowly you get used to each other, and you start to get feelings. Your fs might be to careless when they speak, and you might just end up looking at them unimpressed, like please shut up. They might like bragging off, or be a know it all, correcting others. And that gets on your nerves. Your communication styles are clearly so different and that might lead to somewhat of an argument, ends up being more like banter. This will grow into teasing with time. They donât leave a good first impression on you, but youâll end up meeting again and again, running in the same circles. Your fs will definitely be the topic of bathroom gossip, like can you believe them? Itâs all good pile 1, theyâll redeem themselves. It what happens when youâre complete opposites, clashes might occur at the beginning, but then you realise you balance each other really well. Â
Pile 2
When: death, the star, 8 of wands
During a period of transformation, unexpected moment. You will be very busy and focused on something else. It might be after a breakup too. August, February, March. 2025. Late at night. Friday. 22.
Where: 4 of swords, the devil, ace of swords, 8 of swords, 8 of cups
Graduation, work dinner, a party, a retreat, networking event. I get a very busy place full of people, but you might feel isolated here. You might have just moved to a different city, still not used to it or not knowing many people there. Thereâs a certain level of insecurity, like what am I doing here? I want to go home.Â
How is it going to be?: Oh my god, I forgot to write the cards and I started doing another pile, Iâm so sorry. Those that I can remember are: 8 of cups, 2 of cups, temperance in rev, 4 of pentacles, 9 of cups, the fool.. again Iâm sorry
I just felt such great relieve. I think itâs related with the feeling isolated in the middle of a crowd. And suddenly someone appears who eases up your tension. Your fs makes you relax immediately. Thereâs a big feeling of familiarity with this person. Either one of those I think I know you from another life or you might know them, but so far youâve just seen them around or on social media, and this is the first time actually talking. They might help socialise in this setting, introducing you to others. Instead of talking just the two of you, there will be someone else in the conversation all the time. One of you just wants to have alone time for 5 minutes, but someone is always interrupting. I feel like your fs knows how to navigate these social situations very easily, and youâll look at them like wow, they are a social butterfly. They also know how to include everyone in the conversation, the kind of person that always makes you feel included. I feel like there will be some tension and chemistry right off the bat, but because youâre barely spending any time alone, you both start to get a little impatient and frustrated that you canât actually explore it. Itâs leaving you two wanting more. You two will be paying so much attention to each other, but others are completely oblivious and will not leave you alone. One of you might ask if you want to go eat something and get out of there, and itâs like yes, finally. Exchanging phone numbers by the end of the night, kind of meeting that leaves you giddy, with butterflies. Might think about each other once youâre already in bed, start texting soon too. You just want to know more about each other. Another alternative is staying up all night in a party or bar afterwards, getting McDonalds or some fast food in the early morning. SO much laughter. You just get a feeling afterwards that this is going to be a long term thing.Â
Pile 3
When: the empress, 6 of wands, 4 of sword rev
Summer nights from Grease. Was it love at first sight? Summer, May too, September, the first, You really wanted to work on yourself and not look for romance, but they just showed up, what can you do?Â
Where: the hermit, king of wands, 6 of sword, 9 of pentacles, knight of cups
The beach, a beach club, festival, cherry blossom festival?, Self-care activity. Lantern festival. River, during hiking. Outdoors. Swimming. Cruise ship.Â
How is it going to be?: the hermit, the magician, strength, the chariot, death. The emperor, high priestess rev, 9 of wands
You know when you spend a long time manifesting something, and itâs been a long long time, and youâre just so tired you give up, and suddenly itâs knocking on your door. Thatâs how this meeting feels like. I keep thinking of this manifestation technique of making a list of how your ideal partner is. You were just so tired, and decided that it was time to move on and forget about it. Started focusing on yourself, doing more self-care, trying new activities, meeting new friends. You really were over it. And then boom, perfect, ideal, fs is just there. This wasnât in your plans right now. I feel like laughing, but the kind of laughing when something doesnât make sense or itâs just absurd. A by chance meeting, might result from something embarrassing, like spilling a drink or like in books when the mc crashes into the love interest. Theyâre well dressed. I think you might feel a little be contradicted, like finally I was doing so well single, and now you show up? But how can you ignore them now? Your fs is just exactly what you had wished for. There will be a lot of talking and lots of laughs, it feels like a first date already. Suddenly you get like tunnel vision and all you can see is them. I feel like you wonât want to say goodbye at the end. Letâs have lunch, and dinner, and breakfast together.Â
Xo, Xo, Cherry đ
#pick a card#pick a pile#tarot#pac#pac tarot#pac reading#tarotcommunity#tarot reading#pick a picture#future spouse#love reading#love pac#intuitive readings#pac future spouse#free tarot#future spouse reading#future spouse tarot
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Anomaly Part 2
Summary: You can talk to anyone in school with no problem. At least, anyone who's not named Eddie Munson.
Tags: Anxious-ish!Reader but not shy, one sided pining, no use of y/n, fem!reader, one sided enemies to lovers, fem!reader
2.1k Words
Part 1
School assemblies were fun in their own way. You werenât exactly brimming with school spirit but you could fake it for a half-hour when it got you out of your History class. Everyone was ushered into the gym at the end of the day to celebrate the sport season. You had no idea if the Hawkinâs Tigers were good or not, you could really only name two and a half people on the basketball team: Jason Carver, who you unfortunately had shared a free period with once, Lucas Sinclair, who you had seen talking to Eddie once in a blue moon, and Steve Harrington who had graduated, so he didnât really count. You vaguely remembered working with him on some school project for two days and thinking that you just wanted to squish his hair down to see if it would spring back up.Â
Stacy bounded over to you in the bleachers, decked out in more Tigerâs Green than a leprechaun. She shook the scrunchy out of her hair and slipped it onto your wrist. You sometimes wondered how she never became a cheerleader with how perky she was.
âThere, now you look like you tried.â she giggled, nudging you.Â
âI was gonna scribble on my face with a green dry erase marker, but Mr. Thompsonâs had run dry.â You said.Â
âHe was probably lying so you wouldnât steal one and huff it in the bathroom.âÂ
âHey, that was one time and 4th grade math was hard.â you cackled.Â
âSpeaking of hard drugs, look who decided to actually show up.â Stacy smirked and your stomach instantly dropped as you followed her gaze.Â
âWhat the fuck is Eddie doing here?â you whispered to Stacy. âHe doesnât do pep rallies!â
âGuess he does now.â she shrugged.Â
Eddie was a few rows lower than you, leaning against the end railing of the bleachers. You vaguely wondered if he was burning up in that leather jacket, it wasnât exactly cool in the gym with so many bodies all squished together.Â
He was alone, looking like heâd rather be literally anywhere else. You didnât blame him, this clearly wasnât a place where he fit in. You looked down the bleachers in the opposite direction, unable to pick out any of his friends. During pep rallies, the bleachers were divided by grade, with Seniors on your end of the bleachers, and freshmen on the opposite end. Maybe Eddie was pressing himself against the railing to create his own section of Super Seniors.Â
If he was anyone else, youâd join him in that section, but you kept that knowledge to yourself.Â
âHe looks lonely, go talk to him before they start.â Stacy encouraged.Â
âPlease, I doubt heâd want to talk to me at any other time. You think he wants to talk to me now?â you asked incredulously.Â
âWhatâs the worst that could happen?âÂ
âHe could convince me to join a cult and then sacrifice me to the dark forces.â you said, looking over at him. Well, it wouldnât be the worst thing in the world.Â
Eddieâs head snapped up and he whirled around. Out of everyone around, his eyes immediately locked onto yours.Â
Oh shit.
He heard that.Â
His round brown eyes sized you up, and you cringed out of embarrassment for your stupid joke. You felt like a deer in the headlights. Eddie was looking at you, really looking at you for the first time and you were about two seconds away from jumping off the back of the bleachers and tunneling your way out of the school.Â
Next to you, you could practically feel Stacy shaking as she tried to hold in her laughter, which unfortunately, triggered your own set of nervous giggling because this whole thing was so stupid and Eddie was still looking at you.Â
He looked unimpressed, and flipped you off before turning back around to sulk against the railing again as the band suddenly started up, and everyone started cheering for the team.Â
âGotta say, I am nailing this, Stacy.â You laughed, leaning against her shoulder. âPractically had the boy swooning.â
âYeah, heâll be asking you out any day now.â She rubbed your back sympathetically.Â
âI canât believe he heard me. He totally thought I was being serious.â Your giggles finally subsided and you looked up at her.Â
âIt would be very easy to clear this up, if youâd just talk to him.â She said.Â
âI donât like it when youâre rational, you know.â you replied and glanced at him again. Eddie was no longer looking at you and was just fiddling with his rings as he watched boredly as Principal Higgens was giving announcements.Â
You had to apologize. The last thing you wanted was for Eddie to think that you were really like that. You didnât buy into the bullshit that some dice and graph paper could damn your soul to hell.Â
âFuck it, Iâm going in.â you said, and turned to head towards Eddie.Â
âGo get âem, Tiger!âÂ
You made your way to the edge of the bleachers, and three things happened in quick succession. First, Miles Cooper got overly enthusiastic as you passed by him, and his elbow made a quick and sharp connection to your stomach, knocking the wind out of you. The second thing that happened was a stray backpack got kicked right in front of you as you staggered from the shock of being elbowed. The third and final thing was you falling down the two benches of bleachers that separated you and Eddie.Â
âYou can either go to the pep rally and act like you are a part of this school, or you can have detention, Mr. Munson. The choice is yours.âÂ
Normally, no one gave a shit if Eddie skipped out on something like a pep rally. That time was better spent either reading in an empty classroom or as a smoke break in the parking lot. He had just made it out to the parking lot before he was spotted and given the option. Eddie had been good about not skipping class this year, but he really didnât want to give Higgins another reason to threaten to withhold his diploma.Â
So there he was, leaning against the railing of the furthest bleachers so that the second the pep rally ended, he could just book it back to the van and leave to.. Somewhere. Uncle Wayne had work, and Eddie didnât have a shift at the Hideout. There was no Hellfire today.Â
Eddie was feeling restless as he fidgeted with his rings. Today had already been annoying and he really just wanted to sneak out to his van and have a smoke. Itâs not like anyone here would miss him, theyâd probably celebrate his departure more than the entrance to the basketball team.Â
He looked down at his hands, taking his rings off and rearranging them on his fingers. He tapped them on the railing, listening to the sounds they made as he counted the seconds for this whole thing to be over.Â
As his mind started to wander off, a voice snapped him back to the hell he was currently in. â-join a cult and sacrifice me to the dark forces.âÂ
It was always obvious when someone was talking about Eddie. Normally heâd let it go and ignore whoever it was, but he wasnât exactly in the best of moods today. His head whipped around, looking for whoever was talking about him.Â
There you were with Stacy, again. Eddie wished he could be surprised, but he wasnât. His eyes narrowed as he looked you over. You werenât dressed in anything that screamed âschool spiritâ except for a scrunchie around your wrist.Â
He saw how you cringed at the sight of him, which only pissed him off more. What was your fucking problem? You were friends with Stacy, who had been on the cheer squad before her ankle gave out, the skaters liked, you liked everyone. Everyone who wasnât Eddie Munson.Â
Eddie had wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, that maybe the two of you just hadnât crossed paths enough. Maybe it wasnât personal. But now, after hearing you say that you also thought he was some sort of demon worshiping freak he was fine to write you off as just another Hawkins student. Maybe then he could finally move past this weird feeling he had whenever you gave him the stink eye.Â
Stacy started giggling next to you, and Eddie just rolled his eyes and turned away. It wasnât worth it to start anything now at the pep rally. He was already on thin ice after being caught trying to skip. The sooner this was over the better.Â
His attention drifted as Higgins droned on and on about school spirit and upcoming fundraisers and games. It was all background noise. In his mind, Eddie was working out the next dungeon that Hellfire was going to take on. His party was getting too used to his usual tricks, so heâd have to pull out something new to really throw them off-
There was a choked off gasp.Â
Then a curse.Â
Then a horrible cracking sound as something fell next to him.
âJesus-!â Eddie jumped nearly a foot in the air as you hit the bleacher next to him. His eye nearly bugged out as he saw you sprawled next to him, clutching your stomach and gasping for air like a fish.Â
Everyone in the section was still as they all stared at you, before a few started to snicker. Stacy was quick to jump down with far more grace and land by your side. Eddie was completely frozen, unsure of what to do until he heard Miles Cooper say-Â
âIt was Munson! He did it!â
Eddieâs head snapped to Miles, about to say something before a teacher sharply demanded the Eddie get off the bleachers and come down for what was sure to be a one-sided lecture and detention for something he didnât do.Â
He didnât fight it, he was about to argue and cause a scene right now in the bleachers. Not when that teacher had a fire in her eyes that said she was just itching for trouble. Fine, he wanted to be as far away from this as possible.Â
Eddie walked down the bleachers and followed the teacher out into the hallway. He was already tuning out the lecture about watching your body and not hitting girls. This was such bullshit, and he knew he couldnât even fight back and defend himself.Â
âLook, I didnât touch her!â Eddie couldnât stop the frustration in his voice. âShe was behind me when she fell!â
âWitnesses say otherwise.â The teacher crossed her arms.Â
âLook, just because that dumbass said it was true-âÂ
There was a loud CLANK as the heavy doors to the gym burst open and to Eddieâs surprise, you were rushing through the door, holding onto your arm.Â
You made a beeline for him and the teacher and Eddie could already see it now. Your fake tears as you cried about how the freak shoved you down for no reason-
âDidnât... do it.â you were shaking your head and panting hard. With your free hand you were pointing at Eddie. âHe didnât... he didnât do anything... Miles elbowed me. Then I tripped. Eddie never.... Touched me.âÂ
Stacy was behind you and grabbed your shoulders, trying to hold you in place. âEddie didnât do anything, Mrs. Jane.â she explained. âShe was just trying to go get some water and ate shit. Eddie had nothing to do with it.â
You nodded, still panting hard as if trying to catch your breath. Stacy was rubbing your back, and you looked like you were on the verge of tears.Â
Eddie felt like he had just stepped into an alternate timeline. You were actually defending him? You were in that much pain but had still come running to claim his innocence?Â
Mrs. Jane looked at you with concern. âEddie, you may go back to the pep rally.â She dismissed him without so much as an apology for chewing him out.Â
Fuck this. Eddie didnât need to be told twice. He made his way back towards the gym, but slipped into a side hall. The pep rally was going to be over soon anyway, he might as well beat traffic.Â
He paused just as he was out of sight. Fine, he was a little nosey and mildly concerned as you had just come to his rescue.Â
âI... I think I hurt my arm.â you said, and he could hear the real pain in your voice.Â
âIâll take her to the nurse.â Stacy said.Â
Eddie heard the sound of footsteps, and quickly slipped out of the school before Mrs. Jane caught him escaping.Â
Yeah, he was going to need something stronger than a cigarette after this.Â
I really didn't think the original blurb would get much attention lol
Tag List: @eddiemunsonfuxks @kirsteng42 @strangereads @pedroschka @generoustrashpeach
@sheneedsrocknroll92 @cyanfairywren @crocworkships @tomtomslongdong @aphrogeneias
@ghcstpyre @totheforestandtheocean @stevekeeryswife @dreamyyy222222 @ajnerdess
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@transparentenemypenguin @ghoulsgraveyard @spread-the-hope @exploding-bonbon @paleidiot
@2spock @c14r3v1b3srs @yujyujj @saramelaniemoon @morganlolitta
@veemoon @mrsrdlw @eddieheart
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SYSTEM! SHEN YUAN AU (Pt.2)
Pt.1
Im not done with this, so to the people that wanted more, here it is! I, fortunately or not, have thought way too much again, so once more this is going to be a very, very, VERY long post. If you guys have any ideas about this btw, please do share them! I really am just letting my mind wander a bit more than usual, so maybe someone else can have more structured thoughts than me lol. (Fair warning, there probably will be plot holes, so sorry in advance!)
Please read Pt.1 if you haven't, or this won't make any sense!
After SY warped away from his impromptu meeting with Binghe, the last place he would like to end up would be even deeper into the Endless Abyss, but according to his System, the next piece of the virus was here. While not happy, since his Personal System was (mostly) working as intended, SY managed to activate Ghost Mode and walk towards the next part without having to deal with any of the creatures down there. (He had to try very hard not to get distracted by the monsters, lest his supervisor thinks he also went missing.)
It takes considerably more time to find the virus this time, so much in fact, SY starts to recognize his surroundings from SQH's ramblings (not that he was interested or anything), and he feels a cold sense of dread running down his spine. There was no way he was that unlucky that the object that got corrupted this time was-
He was that unlocky. Lo and behold, after entering a run down ruin, SY is faced with the legendary Xin Mo, power so overwhelming it manifested as dark fire covering the blade. The only reason why SY wasn't immediately writhing on the ground from the sword's power was Ghost Mode, which he could not rely for too long, as his Personal System was displaying warning after warning about Possibility of Corruption and God Like Plot Point. It all meant that SY was on a timer, and if he took too long, the sword would start corrupting his System, which in turn could corrupt him.
Now, since this was a VERY important Plot Point, Luo Binghe had to find Xin Mo or else the plot would derail to an unfixable degree, SY couldn't just snip at it, which was a problem, since manual debugging took a considerably longer time! Still, he summons his Scissors and positions it so he can start at least trimming off the virus.
His plan immediately backfires however, as an ominous crack sounds through the air and he's suddenly pushed away from the sword by a gust of energy. A bit disoriented, he shakes his head and acesses the sit-
Xin Mo, the horrible sword it was, was apparently so OP that it seemed to detect the Scissors at the last second, and the thing attacked back! The metal of the Scissors was dark and broken where it came close to the sword, almost broken in half! Which, not good! It any other time, a pair of broken Debugging Sheers would be more or less fine, if not a major inconvinience (and pay deduction) for SY, but since he'd been warping all over the time for a while now, his Personal System's energy reserves were carefully rationed, and if he were to use a chunk to send the Scissors back for some emergency repair, he'd only have one chance to go back to HQ. Alone.
He couldn't delay it any longer, he desperately needed to find SQH and pray he still had some energy reserves left.
Setting his Personal System's next warp location to SQH's last known location, SY wouldn't have guessed in a million years that he would go back to Cang Qiong Mountain, but whatever; maybe SQH had wanted to start with fixing the bug on Binghe's pendant? Not that this was the right time since it was after Binghe fell into the Abyss, but SQH had never been good at warping. It takes a bit of wandering and going inside different buildings, but eventually his Personal System managed to get a dirrect ping on SQH's System, which sent a massive wave of relief rushing through SY, since it meant that SQH was still slive.
Though as to why he was at An Ding Peak, SY could only guess.
After a bit more wandering, SY enters on what seems to be a (very messy) office space, SY feels all the pieces coming together in his mind. Half sprawled across the table with piles of paper covering the entire table's surface lay the An Ding Peak Lord, which- was already weird, since wasn't this guy supposed to be an enemy of the Peak now? After the whole betrayal thing or whatever? But that would've been something to look into later, were it not for said Peak Lord casually scrolling through a Personal System screen. A Personal System that could only be used by the System's Maintanence Staff.
SY wastes no time in deactivating Ghost Mode, and when SQH's eyes snap to his, the man jumps so high from his chair he almost falls back. It's not a happy reunion by a longshot, since SY immediately jumped his friend co-worker and demanded an explaination, almost screaming about it was all his fault for doing shitty maintenence, and creating this shitty world if it's shitty OP sword which broke his Sheers? Do you know how expensive these are?? I know you do, cause the supervisor never lets you touch the good ones cause you keep cracking all the other pairs-
It takes a more or less one whole hour to calm down SY, but eventually the younger settled and lets SQH say his bit of the story: Apparently, in his messing around with the System's world creation program when he was trying to find the bug in his world, he'd accidentaly managed to get himself actually transmigrated to PIDW, though still with (limited) acess to his Personal System, which let him still send messages to their supervisor and pretend that everything was ok. He'd gotten so unlucky too! Out of all the people to accidentaly select, did it have to be the An Ding Peak Lord? Couldn't it have been Binghe? Or MBJ- (SQH cuts his lamenting when he notices SY's absolutely viscious death glare being stared right through his soul.)
Long story short, he'd initially did try to fix his blunder, but as more time passed and SQH's access to Maintenance priviledges went out one by one on his System, he eventually just... Started actually living there. In fact, he was living so well there that he dared say his life as Peak Lord was even better then when he was with the System! Of course, since he had been integrated as a 'character' now, he had his limitations, he actually managed to get to know his fellow peak lords! He knew the name of his character's family members and his disciples! He'd managed to build a life he never even thought he could have inside the System.
Sure, did he betray the Peak? Yes, yes he did. Were they all going to die in a few years time when Binghe came back from hell? Yeah, yeah they were, and he was immensely guilty and terrified, but! The plot could be changed! He already assumed someone from the System had popped up in the Conference, as when Binghe had recently made his alliance with MBJ, and had mentioned in passing this weird thing that had happened to him just before he fell into the Abyss.
Anyways, eventually SY begrudgingly accepts SQH's decision to stay in PIDW, but he still had to help SY; and so they form a plan: SY was going to transfer some energy to SQH so he could temporarily get his acess to the full version of his Personal System and use his energy reserves to send SY's Sheers and get them fixed. SQH was also going to properly apologize to their supervisor for suddenly quitting without notice AND order some more energy stacks to be sent to SY's System. SY on the other hand had devises a plan to get closer to XIn Mo without the sword exploding his face off:
Infiltrate Demon Emperor Luo Binghe's palace as a lowly staff member and slowly debug the sword from the inside.
A perfect plan! What could go wrong?
SY selects to warp to a time where Binghe had Xin Mo mostly in control, so it is to no surprise he warps to a place were the Demonic Emperor's Palace is absolutely filled with women. Not the best situation, since a lot of people could and probably would be able to see him, but with that many harem members, it wasn't too much of a stretch to assume there was also a considerable number of staff, which, to SY's luck, there was! In fact, after he managed to activate a disguise for his clothes so they matched the rest of the servants, no one bat an eye on his presence; at most someone would inquire about his short hair, but other than that he was as noteable as a fly.
The first phase of his plan was already a success, so now he had to move on to reconnaissance which was mostly easy and the worst thing in his life. He was mostly looking for Binghe's quarters could be as he probably kept the sword close to him at all times, though with how big the palace was, his objective had gradually shifted to mapping out the labyrinth of halls as much as possible (SY was very glad that the System allowed him to create a map in real time or he might have gotten lost in the first five minutes). He walks so much he even manages to catch a few pieces of gossip, though the most interesting one by far being one about Binghe:
Apparently, a year ago, the Emperor had a qi deviation where, for a day, he seemed to have completely shifted his personality; he refused to touch any of his wives and kept screaming for his long dead Shizun. SY doesn't really remember that plot point, though his wondering is cut short when he hears people walking towards his direction. instinctively he his behind a dark corner, momentarily forgetting that he 'worked' at the palace now.
At list his bad luck was finally turning over as the Golden Protagonist himself walked past him with one of his wives hanging off his arm, looking just as cool as SY had always imagined. He had to snap himself out of his stuppor though, as two things caught his attention: First, Xin Mo was, predictably, strapped to his waist, still glitched but at least the virus seemed more or less contained, which gave SY a bit more time to work, though the other thing he noticed...
Hanging onto an old-looking braid laid SY's missing tassle that Binghe had found for him all the way back at the Conference.
What the hell was Luo Binghe doing wearing that old tassle at this day and age??
A few days passed and the Tassle Incident (as he called it) had to be set aside, as it seemed that passing as a servant also meant that other servants and even some wives expected SY to actually work. Not great, he sucked at cleaning and the other servants spared no words to make it clear to him, but it at least gave him something to do while he waited for his Scissors to arrive. SQH had sent him a few messages saying he'd gotten his part of the deal done, so now all SY could do was monitor Xin Mo's condition (from very far away), and occasionally manually debug some small virus pieces that had fallen from the sword, which luckily were easy enough to deal with that he didn't need to cut them off.
The only thing that was worrying him now is how... odd Luo Binghe seemed. Of course, he was supposed to be the pinnacle of the Cool Guy trope, so some edginess was to be expected, but Binghe didn't look just Edgy, he looked straight up depressed. There were bags under his eyes, and he barely seemed to tolerate the presence of 99% of his wives, and that damned braid with the damned tassle was still there-
Point is, Binghe acting so weird really threw SY through a loop, and he may have gotten a bit careless. At a random day when SY was carrying some dirty laundry another servant had just shoved at him, he had no prior warning before a voice sounded from behind him: "You seem to have dropped something."
He barely managed to shake off the violent sense of deja-vu that had sucker punched him in the face before he realized what was happening; Luo Binghe was talking to him. Directly to him. Shit- shit! Did he notice? Was Binghe doing a clever call back, spider-man style?? Was SY going to die????
SY shakily turns to Binghe, keeping his eyes locked onto the floor, bowing as much as possible that he still seemed respectful but the bag of clothes he had didn't all just fall to the floor. Thankfully Binghe didn't seem to mind, and simply put the fallen piece of clothing on top of the others and walked away. Though, just as SY was regaining his breath, Luo Binghe's voice stops him again. "You... Have we met before?"
SY trembles something about only being hired recently and not having the opportunity to formaly meet Junshang, and it seems to be a decent enough that Binghe just stares at him for a while longer before walking away. He really should grow out his hair if even the Emperor got weirded out like that...
Binghe started eyeing SY way more after that day. The protagonist would rarely speak directly to him, but SY could feel his gaze as if it were burning; though, since Binghe never said anything, SY just assumed that whatever Binghe's problem with him was, it was likely nothing to worry about.
In fact, it probably was because one of Binghe's wives had used SY is an impromptu act to try to get Binghe jealous (he just frowned, separated the two and walked away) and after that she had gotten infatuated with him, so she'd turned SY into her personal servant. Because of that SY saw Binghe at most two times a week instead of the 50% chnace of seeing his shadow once a week. Wow.
Because of this, as much as Binghe noticed SY, SY noticed Binghe as well, the protagonist seeming to get even more down as the days went. The tassle was still braided in his hair (SY worried it was just going to become a lock at this point), his eyebags never seemed to leave his eyes, and he was always muttering about... something. (SY managed to overhear something about 'fairness' and what Binghe actually wanted...?)
It all culminated at a seemingly random night. Most of the wives and servants had gone to sleep, only the more in-human women still hanging around, and SY, of course, but mostly it was because he wanted to see how close he could get to Binghe's quarters (aka Xin Mo) at night. Not that it was necessary, as when he was walking his attention was adruptly caught by the strangest sight: Luo binghe, sitting on one of the stone stair that lead to one of the many courtyards, being absolutely drenched in rain. The weirdest part was that a few servants and wives had also passed this place, and they all seemed like they didn't see Binghe, or didn't care.
Hating to see such an usually proud man (not that he'd seen much of that either) just soaking outside as if he'd just caught the love of his life cheating with another man, SY decided that at least he'd do a good job as a servant and take care of 'his Lord'. He grabs an umbrella from one of the adjacent rooms and slowly walks outside, covering Luo Binghe's form, not really caring if he was also getting soaked.
They stayed silent for who knows how long, but eventually, Binghe's eyes that had been laser focused on the horizon slowly blink once, as if coming out of a trance, and slowly move to SY's face, up to his hand holding the umbrella. "My Lord should get back inside. He'll get sick that way." SY half murmurs.
Binghe doesn't respond, though after a few seconds, his eyes seem to widen a bit and his breath comes out a little shaky. SY doesn't dare comment on it.
"Have we met before?" Luo Binghe asks again.
"...Yes." Shen Yuan says.
Binghe closes his eyes, and they stay like that for another hour.
#WE'RE DONE FOR NOW#this got atrociously long im so sorry#also im sorry for any typos im sure there were a lot#im not fixing them now doe#drabble#svsss#fanfic#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#luo binghe#luo bingge#bingyuan#binggeeyuan#this is set after bingge vc bingmei#if it wasnt clear enough#komm's system au
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Steve ends up heartbroken, lonely and depressed after season 2. Nancy called him bullshit, even after he ditched all his old friends for her. Billy Hargrove took his spot at the top of the food chain. He can have it, Steve doesn't really want it anymore. But Steve does want to find some sort of connection. Someone to have in his life who isn't an 11 year old kid he barely knows. He tries to go on a date one night, take a nice-seeming girl to a party. He wants to find connection, to kill the loneliness that's been building for months, but just as he's feeling kind of good about things, his date ditches him.
So. He decides to drink his feelings. He gets majorly fucked up, and ends up laying on the ground in the backyard, contemplating how much life seems to hate him.
Only to literally get tripped over by Eddie Munson, who was at this party selling pot and is very confused as to why Steve Harrington is alone on the ground with a bottle of vodka clenched in one hand.
Eddie ends up chatting a little with Steve, nothing substantial, but enough to know that Steve is very very drunk, and also very very sad.
He asks if Steve wants to go back to the party, and Steve staunchly refuses. He doesn't want to be around a bunch of annoyingly happy people.
He asks if Steve needs a ride home, and Steve just kind of shrugs. His parents just left for another trip, so home is kind of depressing right now too. But he doesn't exactly have any other friends he can stay with so. Home it'll have to be.
Only Eddie can *tell* he doesn't really want to go home, though he has no idea why Steve wouldn't want to return to his veritable mansion after a shitty night. The reason doesn't matter much. He offers to let Steve crash at his place. Steve can take the couch, or hell he can stay in Eddie's room if he doesn't mind sharing, that way he wouldn't risk being woken up when Wayne comes home that morning.
And well, Steve agrees. Can't think of any reason not too. Munson has been nice so far, he's got a good easy-going energy that Steve likes. Why not stay the night.
By the time they get to Eddie's, Steve is *slightly* more sober. Not much, but he's slurring his words a little less, and he can walk with only a little help.
Eddie grabs them each a little plate of leftovers, because he has no idea if Steve's eaten at all. It's quiet while they eat, Eddie doesn't push Steve to talk, and Steve isn't sure what to say. Eventually Eddie sets the plates aside and give Steve an easy grin.
"So, do you want the couch, or are you crashing with me?"
Steve thinks about it for a while. He hasn't shared a bed with a guy-friend since he was a kid, and he's heard rumors about Eddie, whispers in the hall about the way he looks at other guys. But...Steve can't really bring himself to care. He's tired, and he really doesn't want to be alone.
"I don't mind sharing."
Eddie sets them both up in his room, letting Steve choose which side of the bed he wants, and they both settle in. There's a respectable distance between the two of them, and Eddie says a quick goodnight to Steve, figures they won't talk and just go right to bed.
Except Steve isn't sober, and he really isn't in a good headspace, so he can't stop himself from blurting things out into the quiet of the dark room.
"Are you really gay?"
Eddie stiffens next to him, he can feel it, he can hear the way that the other boys breath cuts off and he seems to stop breathing all-together.
"It's okay if you are, I'm not going to be an asshole about it, I'm trying not to be that guy anymore. I guess I was just curious."
It's quiet for another beat before Eddie seems to loosen just a little. He starts breathing again at least.
"Yeah I uh- I am. Gay. And if that's weird the couch is still open, I can-"
"It's not weird."
"Okay."
Steve let's himself mull over this confirmation, and then his mouth starts moving again, without his permission.
"Is it lonely? Cause I mean, it's got to be hard to date in Hawkins. People here are shitty. Unless you've got like, a secret boyfriend or something."
"No...no secret boyfriend. It does get a little lonely sometimes. I'm lucky though, I've got my uncle, and my friends are pretty great. That's enough most days."
"What do you do when it's not enough?"
"Hmmm?"
"When your uncle and friends aren't enough, what do you do? To try and...make it better?"
Eddie is quiet again for a long stretch before he shrugs.
"I try to focus on something else. I'll play my guitar or work on a new campaign, read a book. Something to take my mind off it."
"Oh."
Now Steve is the one who seems tense, his jaw is tight and he's got his arms wrapped around himself. His next words come out as a whisper, but Eddie manages to catch them.
"I don't know how to do any of that."
He sounds almost choked, and Eddie is caught off guard. He's never seen Steve Harrington as anything other than solid, as happy. He's the king, after all. He's supposed to be all smiles and great hair. Only...Eddie's noticed that he hasn't hung out with his old friends lately, that he's eaten alone at lunch too many times to be anything other than strange.
"Steve...are you lonely?"
Eddie expects a denial, for Steve to laugh it off and tell Eddie that he's perfectly fine and fulfilled. Or maybe he expects a shrug, a non-answer. What he doesn't expect is the gut-wrenching sob that seems to tear past the other boys lips.
He doesn't expect to turn and see Steve Harrington's face, a scant foot from his, shining with tears.
He panics a little at the sight.
"Fuck- I'm so sorry-"
"Don't be." Steve tries to wipe his eyes, to hide the tremble in his voice. "Not your fault there's something wrong with me."
"What do you mean?"
"It's like I'm broken man, like nobody can stand to be around me. Tommy and Carol hate me now, Nancy- hell even my own parents hate being at home with me for more than a week. It's like I'm repellent or something. Couldn't even get a date to stick around for a whole night."
And Eddie's pretty sure *he* might start crying now. He'd never have expected this much from Steve, all that sadness to come pouring out. It wouldn't have happened if Steve was completely sober. Without thinking, he reaches out.
Eddie puts a hand on Steve's shoulder and waits to see if the touch gets rejected, but Steve seems to lean into him, so he lets his hand linger.
"This probably won't help, but I don't think you're repellent. And that's coming from somebody who your whole group used to torture. I don't know much about you, but I kind of liked having you around tonight."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Steve gives him a tiny smile. His eyes are still wet with tears, and the smile doesn't come close to reaching them. He seems impossibly small here in Eddie's bed.
"I don't know man. I just wish-"
He cuts himself off, apparently deciding his words are too far, but Eddie urges him to keep talking.
"What do you wish Steve?"
"I just wish that... there was somebody out there I could have a future with. Somebody who actually loved me, you know?"
It might be the saddest thing Eddie's ever heard, and he blames that fact for what he does next.
He takes his hand off Steve's shoulders and instead hauls Steve closer to him, fitting the other boy against his chest and wrapping his arms around him. It's a move that might get him decked, but he doesn't think it will. And he'll be damned if he doesn't hug Steve right that second.
He doesn't get hit. Steve tenses for a second, but it's just that one instant before he's melting into the embrace.
Eddie feels more tears falling against his shirt, and he couldn't care less. He keeps Steve close, let's him cry into his chest, runs a hand through that famous mop of hair.
He isn't sure how long it takes for Steve to calm down, but eventually he does. His breathing evens out, and he shivers a little before speaking.
"Thanks man."
And Eddie takes another leap of faith.
"I could be that person, you know."
"What?"
"I mean. You know Im... not straight. It may not be exactly what you're wanting but. I think I could picture a future with you. If you want to, just for tonight...I could be that someone who loves you."
Steve looks at Eddie, like he's a puzzle that he needs to solve, before a other shiver seems to wrack his body.
"Just for tonight?"
It comes out as a whisper, but Eddie hears it all the same.
"Yeah. For tonight Steve."
"I think...I think I'd like that."
Eddie gives him the sweetest smile he can muster, and nods.
"Alright sweetheart."
Eddie isn't exactly sure what it means, to love Steve for the night. After all, Steve is straight. He figures it doesn't matter much though, it's only for a night.
He keeps a hold on Steve, let's him get comfortable tucked against Eddie, and he does what feels natural. He runs a hand up and down Steve's spine, traces shapes into the soft fabric of his shirt. He tangles their legs together, and in a moment of insane bravery he presses a kiss to the top of Steve's head.
He's met with a sigh, full of relief, and figures he's on the right track.
"Just close your eyes Stevie, I've got you."
"Can you tell me about it?"
"Hmmm?"
"The future. You said you could see one. Can you tell me?"
And he asks so carefully, he sounds almost afraid, Eddie can't say no to that.
"Do you want the fantasy future, or the realistic future?"
"The real one."
"Alright then. Well, if I'm not going to be a rich and famous rockstar...I'll probably graduate and get a job somewhere in town. A real job, maybe working on cars or something. I'm good with cars. You'd come over all the time, have dinners with me and with Wayne. You'd have to meet Wayne. And we'd have more nights like this, sleeping close."
Steve let's out a pleased sounding hum, and shifts his face so it's buried even closer in Eddie's neck. He can feel Steve's breath on him.
"We could save up money and get a little place together, somewhere outside Hawkins. I have to stay kind of close, for my uncle, but maybe Indy?"
Steve nods, mutters something about staying close 'just in case'. He sounds like he might fall asleep, so Eddie keeps going.
"We could get an apartment, nothing too fancy. We would get two rooms, so nobody gets suspicious, but we would share a bed most nights. I'd play with my band on weekends, just for fun, and you'd join some little local sports team. I'd make sure to schedule DND nights so that I never miss a single game, even though I don't understand a damn thing about sports. We would come home for holidays, but most of the time it would just be us. I'd take good care of you, make sure you never go more than a few hours without me telling you I love you. I'll show up wherever you're working just to give you a hug and a kiss, and make sure you don't forget it. And I'll annoy the hell out of, but you won't mind too much, because I'll make you happy too."
Eddie can think of more. He can think about so many things. How he could give Steve one of his rings, even if they couldn't legally get married, even if Steve would never want that. Just as another reminder that he's loved. They could take trips together and go out to parties where Steve will never have to worry about getting ditched. Eddie doesn't do things halfway, and he has a hell of an imagination. He could picture them growing old together, if he tried, if he let himself. But this is just for tonight, so he doesn't. Instead he runs a hand through Steve's hair again, and listens to his quiet breathing. He thinks he may have fallen asleep, but he's wrong.
"That sounds nice."
It comes out muffled, spoken into Eddie's neck, but he manages to make it out, and he let's the vibration of it sink into his skin.
*It's only for tonight.*
He has to remind himself, because Steve is just feeling lonely. He doesn't want that future with Eddie, he just wants to feel loved.
But even if it's just pretend, just to help Steve for a few hours, he's okay with that.
Steve may think he's broken, but Eddie thinks he would be easy to love for a long time. Loving him for one night is nothing. He doesn't even have to try.
Tomorrow Steve will wake up sober, and he'll thank Eddie for letting him stay over, and they won't talk about it. Eddie will drive Steve back to his car in silence, and they'll say their goodbyes. They may not talk ever again, they never had before.
But for tonight? Eddie Munson will love Steve Harrington, and Steve? He'll let himself be loved, let himself beleive it. And he'll love Eddie right back.
Just for one night.
And if Steve ever needs it again? Eddie will love him for another night. And Steve will give that love right back. He's got plenty to spare, after all. And there's far worse people he could share it with.
#steddie#stranger things#steve harrington#eddie munson#steve harrington whump#steve is sad#eddie helps#pre-season 4#this takes place between seasons 2 and 3#I wrote this in a fit of insanity while I was supposed to be working#hope yall like it
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