#help validate my constant indecisiveness | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

feuilletonette · 6 months ago

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𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐀𝐋 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃: 𝐑𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐠𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐁𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐚𝐠𝐞

The months that followed my initial attempt in shifting were marked by a sense of stagnation. Despite my best efforts to immerse myself with the very concept, my endeavors on platforms like the Amino app proved to be more overwhelming than enlightening.

It became increasingly clear that my tendency to overconsume information was serving as the main blockage of my journey.

Driven by an insatiable thirst to know everything, I found myself constantly seeking out new resources and methods. Yet, as the volume of information continued to mount, I became paralyzed by indecision. The sheer magnitude of options left me feeling lost and unsure of where to begin. Although I had subscribed to various methods and techniques, I struggled to muster the energy to follow through them. The weight of my own expectations and the fear of failure loomed large, sapping my motivation and leaving me feeling drained.

I was trapped in a mindset of constantly seeking more knowledge and acquiring various items to aid in my shifting journey. Whether it was the need to attain crystals that would help me clear the blockages, reading everything I could about the multiverse theory and quantum physics, or tools like Draco’s wands and Slytherin rings, or posters or scented candles that smells like my dorm in Hogwarts—all for the sake to feel more connected.

But this is the case, this is the problem I was trying to make. It was loop of dissatisfaction down the bits such as perfecting my scripting before attempting to do anything else, and that meant reading through every fanfiction recommendations to know more about these characters and immersing myself with Great Britain’s culture to have the best, perfect reality, operating as if the entire universe I wanted to go to wasn’t already established. It was not hard to formulate a conclusion that my approach was extremely counterproductive.

At this point (Year 2021), moreover, I still harbour unhealthy affections for Draco Malfoy but it is also the same year people who initially attempted to shift for him (and succeeded) experienced insurmountable shame upon having to try it the first place. It made me question things and affected me more than I expected, especially for someone like me who considers him as their significant other in my own DR.

That is when I took a break, being occupied with the new transition of having to switch cities and entering a prestigious school, adjusting to the ‘new’ normal world as it was addressed before. So, I took my time and the opportunity to confront my own issues. It was in this process I outgrown a lots of things (even Draco himself) but it seemed that shifting isn’t one of them.

Now that I recognise that I was operating under the clutches of my limiting belief that I was not doing enough had led me to a significant breakthrough that just didn’t happen overnight. It was a tedious process before I’ve come to understand that this feeling originated from my tendency to attach my self-worth with my external achievements, possessions, and therefore, validation.

It took me years being exposed to devastating situations not directly linked in this context but a necessary means for my spiritual growth to eradicate this subconscious checklist in my mind that constantly indulge me to the things I once believed I must accomplish or obtain before I can truly succeed in my endeavours.

I have several attempts past forward the first night I tried to shift, some were not so much prat about but some I knew, deep in my core that had been so close and those were several. But because my mindset at that period was in a constant creation of a never-ending cycle of feeling inadequate, always chasing after something elusive to prove my worthiness, I wasn’t in alignment to the person I want to become and therefore the experiences along with it.

Though, I must admit, being introduced to traversing alternate realms has been a significant catalyst for my spiritual journey. Had I not dared to question my preconceived notions about this concept back in 2021, I wouldn’t have ventured into others that have followed: the manifestation and the law of attraction in which my journey had been in conjunction with each other as I progressed ever since.

I couldn’t stress enough how amazed I am to see how each step I take on this path leads to new insights and revelations, expanding my consciousness and deepening my connection to the universe. I had grown so much, I have come to want different things. It was almost ridiculous to think about it now that I am able to lift my perspective from the version of myself I have already—if not in the process to—shed.

But if you must ask, had I reach the end? Even though I do recognise them now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I had already eradicated the beliefs that no longer serve the woman I am becoming. That is why I made this blog to further elaborate and document the process I am going through in which I have grown to love. It’s not in anyway perfect, but there is much more ease, compassion, and recognition of worth in my part.

Along with the relationships I look forward to foster in my new DR, that requires much more involvement from the Marauders. As cliché as this may sound, I feel wiser, more capable, and more at ease to let go because I know that regardless of the variables, it will eventually happen.

#hogwarts dr #desired reality #reality shifting #hogwarts #law of attraction #manifestation #marauders #marauders dr #shifting blog #shifting journey

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lineologyglobal · 3 years ago

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7 Chakra – The Ultimate Guide to Balancing Your Life

All About Seven Chakra

Before we began to know about seven Chakra. Let me know if you are familiar with reiki, meditation and how often you do sit for it.

And you would say I don’t get time often because my work schedule is tight. I have to pack my kids bags for school and some of you might say I am not able to concentrate even for a minute and it takes a lot of time and energy.

All your points are valid. These days all our work life balance has been struck by covid.

And due to which our Chakra is imbalanced or even blocked.

Let’s begin with Chakra

What is Seven Chakra?

Chakra refers to the energy wheel in our body. Our body chakra are connected from top to bottom end of our spinal cord. When our Chakra is balanced we feel happy, stable, and secure.

When you are feeling unworthy, indecisive, and physically ill for a long time. That simply means

One of our seven chakra is out of balance and there is a need to open and activate chakra flow

To cure and feel healthy and stable again.

There are 7 Major types of Chakra

1.Root Chakra ( Muladhara)

Muladhara is one of the foundational energy centers for our body. Root Chakra healing is responsible for our emotional stability. Root chakra helps you to feel confident , create your own strong self identity.

Signs Your Root Chakra is Blocked

Stress due to financial and money

Issues in the immune system.

Increase or continuous pain in leg, feet, rectum, and tailbone.

Issues with male reproductive parts and prostate gland.

Issues with digestion and degeneration arthritis, knee pain,

2.Sacral chakra (Swadhisthana)

Sacral chakra is your creative energy and it is responsible for your sexual drive too. It is located just below your navel. Open Sacral Chakra helps you to be balanced and empowered to improve your creative ability. It helps you to know more about your sexuality and keeps you open to explore.

Signs Your Root Chakra is Blocked

Problem in sexual reproductive parts.

Pain in lower back, hip and pelvic

Inability to express emotion or desire.

Constant fear of rejection and breakups

3. Solar plexus chakra (Manipura)

Solar plexus helps you in knowing your self worth, strengthen your self esteem,

Boost your confidence. Solar plexus is located in your stomach area. Opening of Solar plexus chakra helps you to calm down your inner critic.

Signs Your Solar Plexus Chakra is Blocked

Issue in Digestion

Feeling Fatigue

Pancreas and Gallbladder issues

Unrelenting and inner critic

Constant fear of rejection

Self doubt

Low self esteem

Hold grudges for long periods of time

4. Heart chakra (Anahata)

Heart Chakra is one of the most important chakra which help you to decide about love and compassion in your life. It is located in the center of your heart. Heart Chakra heals you from any past scars, protects you from emotional traumas and health issues. It also helps you to balance you in day to day life and makes you feel joyful and alive again.

Signs Your Solar Plexus Chakra is Blocked

Breathing difficulty – Asthma

Pain in Upper back and Shoulder

Instant Pain in Arm and Wrist

Trapped in Toxic relations

Constant building insecurity, jealousy and bitterness around you.

Constant fear of belong left alone

5. Throat chakra (Vishuddha)

Throat Chakra is located near your throat. All the energy and decisions taken by communication is due to throat chakra. Throat Chakra helps you to express your desire, creativity, and ability verbally. Opening on Throat Chakra makes you more firm and honest about your needs.

Signs Your Throat Chakra is Blocked

Have Sore throats

Ear infections

Shoulder pain

Can’t handle rejection

In ability to Say No

Constant fear of being out of control

Not able to express nature with anyone.

Overthinking and analyzing issues.

6. Third-eye chakra (Ajna)

Third eye chakra is the center of determination. It is located in center if your eyebrows

Third eye chakra helps you to make well and informed decisions. It also help to open you up for sharing and receiving thoughtful advice and grasap information from others.

Signs the third-eye chakra is out of balance include:

Migraine Issues

Constant strain in eyes and blurred vision

Sinus issues

Inability to understand and agree with someone who is against your word.

Constant change and abruption of Mood

7. Crown chakra (Samsara or Sahasrara)

Crown Chakra is located at the top of our head. It is responsible for our constant thought and our ability with it. Crown Chakra is also known as intuitive chakra. It helps you decide something with your strong gut feeling.

Signs the crown chakra is out of balance include:

Over Thinking and Rigid Thoughts

Constant Over analyzing past situations

Constant fear of alienation

Constant need of reassurance

Depend on toxic patterns

Inability to judge people, habits, career

Indecisive nature

Open all 7 chakras to find balance.

As you know now about all 7 major chakra. You might have heard that opening a Chakra is dangerous. If your chakra opens up too much it could lead to destruction. But here are some simple methods to open your Chakra.

Don’t think too much about if chakra will get over activated or less.

Use your body and become aware of it. Understand your which Chakra needs opening.

Sit down for grounding in a cross legged. Concentrate on the chakra spot you feel is disrupted

Silently Chant OM and Other important Mantras for specific Chakra

Let yourself Focus on visualizing the Chakra Color.

Imagine Powerful Chakra opening and visualizing energy and radiation coming out of the chakra.

Contract the perineum, hold your breath, and release.

Once your meditation is over, purify your Seven chakra tumbles with sage and keep around the clean space of your house.

Crystal of Seven Chakra

1.Amethyst

Amethyst works to bring tranquility to your mind and your crown chakra so you can focus on healing any blockages that are holding you back from experiencing bliss. Amethyst is the stone of spirituality, peace and balance. It calms the mind and protects from negative thoughts and influences.

2. Green aventurine

Aventurine is a heart chakra stone, always ready to rouse those feelings of far-flung love and fantasy. It inspires us to be more creative with our lives, assists us in building a reality that matches our great ideas, lets us believe in ourselves and our dreams. Green Aventurine supports the heart chakra by balancing the energy of the mind, body, spirit connection.

Aventurine is good for promoting balance and confidence in both the spiritual and physical worlds, so be sure to carry it with you wherever you go.

3.Garnet

The Garnet is a gemstone rich in healing properties. Resonating with the second or Sacral Chakra, the Garnet aligns the wearer with abundance and prosperity, protection, enhancing relationships in a variety of ways, on many levels.

Garnet is a spiritual stone that has been used to release bad karma in ones life. It has powerful regenerating and purifying effects. It helps you rid yourself of negative energy and clear space of internal congestions. It can cleanse the chakras of negative energies and re-energize them while bringing serenity or passion as appropriate.

4.Rose Quartz

Rose quartz connects to the heart chakra and attracts your soulmate. It will bring you self-love and make your heart softer, more open, and more loving.

Enhance your spiritual healing and balancing with the rosy glow of rose quartz. This small rose quartz crystal looks lovely in any home environment and works to bring spiritual healing to every aspect of your life.

5.Lapis Lazuli

Lapis Lazuli can help you to amplify your personal power, creativity and intellect by balancing the throat chakra. According to crystal healing practitioners, this gem can help you to overcome your fears and pursue your dreams with confidence.

Lapis Lazuli is one of the oldest spiritual stones known to man. It releases stress and allows for peace and serenity.

6.Citrine

Citrine is a powerful cleansing crystal associated with cleansing and healing the solar plexus chakra, which is the energy center that helps you focus your power, strengthen your willpower and feel more at ease physically and spiritually.

Citrine is an energetic stone that’s helpful for meditation and other spiritual energy pursuits. It symbolizes joy, abundance, and transmutation. Citrine can help you to turn these unhealthy thoughts around and be more positive in your outlook.

7.Moonstone

Moonstone is known as the stone of new beginnings and helps with all kinds of healing across the physical, emotional, and spiritual.

You can use Moonstone to soothe and balance your Sacral Chakra, or place the crystal on your Third Eye Chakra to stimulate your inner vision and enhance psychic abilities.

Moonstone is linked to divine feminine energy and the crown chakra, inspiring intuition and psychic abilities.

Conclusion

An easy guide to understanding the chakras and living a joyful life!

#Amethyst #Green aventurine #Garnet #Rose Quartz #Lapis Lazuli #Citrine #Moonstone

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skrltwtch · 3 years ago

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Silverware

Prompt: on a first date and A is a werewolf and doesn’t know the cutlery is silver (Source in master list)

Word count: 4,897 words

Genre: Fluff, romance, supernatural

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

I buried my nose in the bouquet of lilies and roses Jake had bought for me. It was the perfect emblem of summer with its warm, sunny hues and fresh, tangy scent — and the perfect segue to the next part of our date. The first part was a visit to the local farmers market, out of which we were now walking. Coming here had been his suggestion. It was something different from the usual first date stuff like coffee or a movie, and I liked it a lot, notwithstanding my initial reservations. I liked him a lot after what I’d seen of him at the market. I felt like the place helped bring out a certain spark between us. For one, there was constant talk about planning for date number two using what we’d seen and bought. If that wasn’t promising, I didn’t know what was!

‘Thank you, Jake. I love it,’ I said about the bouquet.

‘You’re most welcome,’ he said, a broad grin brightening up his face. ‘And thank you for the flavoured olive oil. Makes me kind of wish we didn’t have this dinner reservation …’ His grin turned sheepish in nature. ‘But that’s what’s making me look forward to our next date.’

See?

‘Do you want to call for a taxi or walk?’ he said.

‘What time’s our reservation?’

‘6:00 p.m. on the dot.’

My watch came alive with a flick of my wrist. ‘Let’s walk, then. I want to walk off all the cheese I sampled.’ I’d sampled a lot. In my defence, it was almost that time of the month — and that other time of the month. ‘Do you know the way?’

‘Google Maps can teach me.’

The route Google Maps recommended was scenic. London Bridge looked lovely at this time of day. Its appeal was heightened tenfold with Jake by my side. Could you believe we met on Tinder? It still felt unreal to me. Getting this match used up all my good luck for the year, and we were only at the halfway point. Well, if it meant burning the roof of my mouth most of the time I ate to be able to quit the dating scene for a reasonable amount of time (“once and for all” seemed a little ambitious, though that would be nice), who was I to whinge about the hand fate had dealt me?

The restaurant was located within the Four Seasons. We had been overdressed for the market. Now we were … dressed. I was flattered as fuck that he picked such a lavish place for dinner for a first date. I hadn’t the faintest clue what it was about my profile and our conversations that made him think of a high-end French restaurant helmed by a Michelin-starred chef in a five-star hotel. I did try to talk him out of it (gently). It wasn’t about the cost. Food was one of the things I was more than happy to splurge on. It was just … I never had anyone think this highly of me before, and I wondered if that’d change if … and when … he knew the truth about me.

The host led us into the main dining room and to our table. An amuse-bouche and warm bread came together with the menus. The prices were as expected of the type of establishment this was. Everything sounded good, though this was my first time coming across some of these words. Looking up what each one meant would add to the time something would take to reach our table, and my stomach would sooner eat itself out of desperation.

‘Please don’t hold back,’ said Jake, sensing my indecision. ‘The price is not an issue.’

I did have to hold back. The coincidental timing of this month’s full moon and crimson tide amplified every-fucking-thing I could possibly feel to a divinely hellish degree in the days leading up to them. As it was, I could easily polish off a five-course meal by myself. If Jake wanted this date to go in a less chaste direction after dinner, hell would freeze over before I’d even dream of talking him out of it, first date etiquette be damned. Was the fact that he was such a goddamn catch helping anything? Absolutely fucking not.

‘No, it’s not that. I can’t — I can’t decide what I want,’ I said. It was technically true. I was torn between the beef (never mind that it was £98) and veal … and both of them at once. ‘What are you having? Maybe I can get some inspiration from you.’

‘I was thinking the turbot … or the pigeon. Yeah, I can’t make up my mind either. I’m leaning toward the pigeon …? No, the turbot. Or the scallops …? Fuck. I need an adult.’

‘Let’s choose for each other.’

‘Promise not to hate each other’s choices — or each other?’

‘Pinky promise.’

We locked our pinkies together. I hoped touching him would never grow old.

Once our promise had been sanctified and we separated from each other, Jake signalled for the nearest available waitstaff. One came over almost instantly. The restaurant was bustling with activity, a far cry from however long it had been since we arrived. She took our order in a cordial fashion, not making a bigger deal of how we were ordering for each other than it should be. I chose the scallops for him; he chose the veal for me. I convinced him to start our evening with the langoustine; he sweet-talked me into ending it with the rhubarb. The waitstaff validated all our choices with a knowing smile.

‘I’ve been meaning to ask — and I hope I’m not stepping on your toes here,’ Jake started when our table was just the two of us again. ‘How did you get that scar on your arm?’

It was a matter of time. And bless him. I would never be offended by being asked about the memento of what’d changed my life forever. I would be offended by an adverse reaction to how exactly my life had been changed forever. I raised my arm, giving the scar in question its time in the limelight: brownish-pink, leathery circles arranged in the shape of a crescent, the ones at both ends abnormally large and ragged-looking.

‘My ex-boyfriend’s dog bit me,’ I said. More like my ex-boyfriend was the offending canine. ‘That’s not why he’s an ex, in case you were wondering.’ I’d wanted to be turned. He’d been more than happy to lend a helping set of fangs. Sadly, the idea of us being cute werewolves together was yet another one of those things that simply sounded nicer on paper. It wasn’t all sour between us. We’d sometimes meet for romps. It got lonely sometimes, and it wasn’t like there was an online forum for werewolves to socialise or whatever. I doubted he’d have known of one anyway: he was literally an American werewolf in London.

‘Did it hurt? It’s such a huge scar. Did anything happen to the dog afterward?’ He held up his hands. ‘Am I being nosy? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.’

I smiled in the hope that it’d soothe his worries. ‘You’re not being nosy. It was … okay for what it was.’ Euphoric. ‘The dog’s fine. It wouldn’t be fair to punish it for an instinct thing.’ Yup.

‘That’s good to hear. I think it’s a bad-ass scar. And I didn’t think it’s why he’s an ex.’

‘Thank you. Most people did. Yeesh. Give me some credit.’

‘I’m not most people … I hope.’ He smirked. The apples of his cheeks turned pink.

He really wasn’t. And I wanted so badly to tell him the truth there and then to see if that’d still hold true in the face of a bombshell like that. I had yet to tell anyone about my lycanthropy: if movies, television shows, books, etc., were anything to go by, I’d assume most people would react with fear or disgust, or both. Chris had been thoroughly flabbergasted when I reacted the way I did to learning why he always turned down my suggestions to go stargazing on nights with full moons. I got what I wanted … eventually.

Maybe I should tell Jake sooner than later. Separate the wheat from the chaff. Then I wouldn’t have wasted my time having pined for someone who thought I was some kind of freak of nature.

That conversation — or rather, thinking about that conversation would have to wait, as our starter, bearing a strong resemblance to a flower arrangement with colours befitting the season, had arrived. Food was always the perfect diversion. So would the inevitable back-and-forth about who could have the third and last langoustine. Splitting it was not an option, for one piece was as big as my thumb. I loved the portion sizes of frou-frou fancy food. So much bang for one’s buck.

‘Bon appétit,’ said Jake. ‘That’s one of … four French phrases I know. The other three are “bonjour”, “omelette du fromage”, and — I can’t say the last one in a public place.’

‘Is it by any chance … “voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir”?’ I made no effort whatsoever to lower my volume — or maintain a straight face. Brazenness blazed through my cheeks.

He put a hand on his chest, feigning surprise. ‘Well!’ He tittered. ‘Since you asked ever so nicely, and in French … This is why your choices tonight have been shellfish, isn’t it?’

‘You got me.’

‘Looking at their portion sizes, I don’t think your plan’s going to work very well. Not that I’d need the help of — shut up, Jake.’

‘Keep going, Jake’ was what I’d have said and wanted if my stomach hadn’t started getting on my case for letting good food get cold. (‘Rubbery lobster? Gross!’) There was something hot about someone like Jake — a posh, proper Englishman, the polar opposite of Chris … okay, no, stop bringing him up, stop thinking about him, goddammit — talking openly, confidently, about his prowess. Such words … coming out of his mouth … in that accent … I quickly pressed my legs together to quell any desires. Which hunger of mine was responsible for this?

Wanting to satiate the one appetite I could at this very moment without earning myself prison time for my troubles, I said, ‘Bon appétit, Jake’, and picked up my fork … which promptly fell onto my plate with the fucking loudest clang. The smell of burning flesh tickled my nostrils — my burning flesh. My fingers were sizzling where the fork touched them. Sizzling! I prayed it was only my nose that could pick up this delectable aroma.

I stared at the cutlery. Trust a high-end French restaurant helmed by a Michelin-starred chef in a five-star hotel to use real silverware, not that cheap silver-plated shit. I prodded the fork handle — and withdrew my finger immediately. Not one of my finer moments. Please don’t tell me Jake saw it.

‘Is everything okay?’ said Jake.

Ah, fuck.

‘Yeah,’ I said, examining my palm. Good news: the burn hadn’t healed and wasn’t healing as quickly as my wounds and injuries (not that I had many of them) did after I was turned, so that was one less question to dodge. I didn’t want to keep lying to Jake. I didn’t like that I had been. How would I explain the absence of a second-degree burn that existed mere seconds ago anyway? Bad news: was this never going to heal because of what caused it? I had been so careful with silver since I was turned. How would I explain a perpetual second-degree burn? Would it out me as a werewolf to people who knew what to look for? Was now really the time for Twenty Questions?

Noticing Jake had been waiting on me to provide some kind of elucidation on my well-being, I said, ‘I guess I have a silver allergy. Can you believe it? Who’s allergic to silver?’

He didn’t need to say, ‘What kind of allergy burns someone?’ for me to hear it in my head.

‘Can you eat, then?’ he said.

I shook my head. As far as I was concerned, silver was lethal. No ifs, no buts, no maybes. If a perpetual second-degree burn was the worst thing to come out of fleeting contact with the metal, so be it. I’d consider myself a lucky lycan indeed.

‘Pardon me,’ Jake said to the waitstaff who’d come with our entrées, ‘would you have any disposable cutlery perhaps? My lady’ — he did not — ‘is allergic to the silverware.’

The waitstaff did an excellent job of not acting like this very dashing gentleman had just dropped the barmiest string of words on her during her entire employment in this line of work. Even I didn’t quite believe it myself. ‘I’ll see what we have, sir, ma’am,’ she said, cool as a cucumber. After she finished setting down our food, she collected all the silverware on my side of the table and left.

‘I don’t think whatever she comes back with would help with your veal. I could cut it up for you?’ said Jake.

Oh, my God. Getting burnt by silver must be the universe’s way of course-correcting the unusual jackpot I’d hit with him. Good Tinder matches were a myth!

‘No, it’s fine. Thank you. I’ll manage … somehow,’ I said. The wooden cutlery the waitstaff had returned with didn’t inspire confidence in me to not fling a piece of meat or a utensil at someone while cutting into my food.

‘We could swap dishes. I’d be fine with the veal. It was in my top five earlier.’

I suffocated a sigh. His scallops looked more like an appetiser than a main. But what choice did I have? I could either eat the veal like the animal that put me in this position or go through the restaurant’s entire supply of wooden cutlery with nothing to show for the effort in my belly and possibly injure someone in the process. Neither option would do any favours for my image in the eyes of the guy I liked and whose bones I’d like to jump at some point, enhanced animal lust or not.

So, I agreed. I tried to draw out the meal for as long as I could. Between the teeny serving and the unwieldiness of the wooden cutlery, I was having a miserable time. Dinner had become a silent affair, a far cry from everything prior to this point. Contrary to the vibe I was putting out, the food had nothing to do with my dour mood. For the first time since I was turned, I wasn’t happy about what I was. Could I never truly lead a normal life? Did I have to lie to every potential suitor and fret about whether they’d accept that other side of me on top of all the intricacies of dating?

There ought to be a dating app for verified supernatural creatures.

‘How’s the veal?’ I said. I had to speak up: I wasn’t being fair to Jake by acting like a sullen teenager over something he had zero control over, and the silence was deafening.

‘It’s — I might’ve done you a favour. How about my — your scallops?’

‘As good as three bites can get. I can’t tell if it tastes funny because of the wooden fork.’

‘This has been a disaster, hasn’t it?’ He flashed a wry smile. ‘Can I be honest? I have no idea what possessed me to pick a place like this for a first date.’

‘It’s a nice place. And it hasn’t been a disaster.’ If anything, I was the disaster. As always.

‘How was the market?’

‘The market was great. I had an amazing time.’

‘Thank God. I’ll take one out of two.’

I reached across the table and placed my hand on top of his. He made things extra saucy by interlocking his fingers with mine. ‘Jake, it’s fine. Today has been wonderful. I should be sorry for making things awkward with my … allergy.’ Nope, that still sounded silly.

‘What? No, don’t be. It’s not your fault.’

It … kind of was.

‘How about ice cream after this? My treat. I’m certain the rhubarb will be so very pretty and so very … nothing.’

He hit the nail on the head. The food we had would do wonders for my Instagram feed while having done nothing for my diet. I appreciated his offer, though I was afraid it would take more than ice cream to fill me up properly … Then again, that was a problem that rested solely in my dominion, not his, and it was one I intended to solve by trawling the likes of Deliveroo and Uber Eats in the comfort of my underthings at home — the one true way to enjoy food.

I asked for the bill the second dessert arrived. I wanted to leave here as soon as possible. I had quite enough of the wooden cutlery. I felt like a child using them. And like I told Jake earlier, I was on the fence about whether to attribute the food’s slightly off taste to them or my unrefined taste buds. Even the rhubarb wasn’t spared. Dessert was supposed to be my safe space, dammit!

I footed the bill in its entirety despite his objections. It helped that the waitstaff presented it to me because I’d been the one who asked, and that I was quick with my card. Sisters watching out for each other, everyone. The plan was then to go about the rest of the evening as if it had slipped my mind to ask him for his half or even bring it up in the first place. It was the least I could do for putting a wee damper on dinner with my … me-ness. He was going to treat me to ice cream anyway. There. We were even now.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often went awry: Jake snatched the bill folder and, taking out his phone, said, ‘Do you have Paym, Pingit, or PayPal? Why am I only noticing now that they all start with P?’

I admitted defeat: ‘Paym.’ It might be harder for him — or anyone — to believe I had none of those apps than that I was a werewolf. Did I want to put that to the test? No.

My phone buzzed with the confirmation that my plan had been a dud. ‘Thank you. Now let’s blow this popsicle stand and head to a real one.’

We left and worked on our next destination outside the restaurant. The staff had to want us out of there as much as we wanted ourselves out of there. The time of day meant we had limited options: ice cream parlours in London seemed to think people would lose the mood for sweet treats the moment the sky turned dark and the air cooled. Inanity. We had to return to where our date started for the one place that was open at this hour. It was just as well: I needed the walk this time to clear my head after what happened at dinner. It hadn’t seemed to dull the shine of his opinion of me, at least. He was as chipper as ever. Unless he was a good actor and paid up as soon as he did so he could ghost me after this and find himself a date that didn’t have some bogus allergy to silver …

Me? Over-thinking things? Never.

‘Do you want to do takeout or eat in?’ I said when we found ourselves less than fifty metres away from the parlour tasked with plying us with ice cream for tonight without a say in the matter.

‘Let’s do takeout and walk back to Borough Station. Full circle.’

The place was crowded: the most logical outcome for the only ice cream parlour open at this time near a tourist hotspot in the middle of summer. Customer turnover was quick, however, and we left with our orders within fifteen minutes. As tempting as their sundaes and waffles — towering, decadent creations of sugary indulgence — looked, we went back to the basics after our overly sophisticated dinner. Unlike before, what we wanted came to us in a snap: for myself, a speculoos gelato; for Jake, a gelato, too, but make it salted caramel.

And this time, we could help ourselves to each other’s food. With permission, of course.

‘A fraction of the price, but infinitely better,’ I said.

‘I hope the same can be said of our second date.’

‘And what would that be?’

‘Dinner at Chez Walker. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?’

‘I do think so.’

‘It would have to be the weekend after next, though.’

‘Why? Got another date next Saturday?’ I had a firm enough grip on reality to recognise and accept that a guy like him had to be neck deep in matches.

‘No … next weekend’s the full moon. I thought you’d know.’

I stopped dead in my tracks. ‘Why would I?’ I buried my stammer under a bemused scoff. Like, why would anyone — any not-werewolf, which, as far as Jake was concerned, was what I was — care to know when the full moon was?

He, too, stopped walking and looked me dead in the eye. ‘Imogen, I know what you are.’

I wiped my palms on the front of my dress. They were suddenly so sweaty. So sweaty. Why were they so sweaty? Could he see that they were so sweaty? I tried to defuse the situation the best — and maybe only — way I knew how: ‘Are we quoting Twilight? I’ll have you know that I liked the book when I first read it in 2007. And I thought the movie wasn’t too bad either.’ This was true, and I wasn’t ashamed of it. Any female millennial who said they had felt nothing for Edward Cullen was a filthy liar.

‘I’m not ashamed either to say I read the book and watched the movie. But I’m serious.’

‘Okay … say it, then. Go on.’ Was that how the line went? I wasn’t going to look it up now. On a list of things that mattered in this moment, accurate movie quotes was nowhere near the top twenty.

‘You’re a werewolf. And I know how this sounds, so don’t humour me or —’ His tone had taken on a jittery lilt, uncharacteristic of someone who ought to be humoured, ridiculed (what his next word had to be), or — my worst-case scenario — feared.

‘How did you know?’

His mien changed in a manner that suggested that wasn’t the reaction he’d been expecting. Fuck it. Chris had trusted me enough to tell me the truth after a handful of dates, and he did it because he liked me a lot and he wanted to get it out of the way as soon as possible so that we could move on in some way. (Me asking him to turn me was the real curveball of that conversation.) The least I could do, really, was to extend that same courtesy to Jake. I liked him. I liked him a lot. If he had a problem with what I was, it was better that I found out now that he did than many months down the road. There was no element of compromise to my … condition.

‘You mean I’m —?’

‘Right? Not crazy?’ I showed him my palm. The burn had taken about an hour to reach the healing stage normal people would reach in a week or so. ‘Yeah.’

‘Damn …’ He cleared his throat. ‘How did I know? I was brought up on a steady diet of horror movies and read way too many young adult supernatural books in the day, more than I’d care to admit. That, and my ex-girlfriend’s second uncle was killed by a werewolf.’

‘Shit.’

‘I’m kidding — about the last part. The first two are true. My ex-girlfriend was a vampire, and one of her uncles — I can’t remember which one; it could’ve really been her second — was with a werewolf when we were together. Vampires and werewolves get along quite well, actually.’

‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’

‘How the tables have turned … I’m not.’ He went through his phone with his free hand and, upon finding what he’d been looking for, passed it to me. ‘Look.’

On the screen was a photo of him with his arm around a hazy figure in clothes that were otherwise in focus.

‘Drove me quite mad at first, thinking something was wrong with my phone. Then she went a little … overboard once, and the rest was history. She shared everything about her world — your world — with me. And I’m also in several online paranormal communities, so there’s that. It’s not all as hush-hush as one might think. It just takes an open mind.’

I returned his phone to him. ‘How did you figure me out?’

‘Your “allergy”. I had my suspicions about your scar. Your reaction to the silverware confirmed them. Allergies … don’t do this.’ He took my hand and stroked my palm. The sensation of his fingers on the raw skin was … electric. ‘I’m sorry I put you in an awkward position and you weren’t ready to tell me. What I said … just slipped out. I understand. It has to be fucking terrifying. It’s okay if you don’t want to see me again after this. But I want you to know that what you are doesn’t change a thing about how I feel about you. How you were turned is none of my business. The whole thing is, really. I did an arse thing. I’m an arse. First with the goddamn restaurant, now this. Way to fucking go, Walker,’ he said to himself quietly.

I flung my empty gelato container into the nearest bin, and then my arms around him. I helped throw away his for him, too. ‘You’re not an arse, Jake. This doesn’t change anything about how I feel about you, too. I like you a lot.’ His cheeks flushed deeply under the moonlight. ‘I was freaking out about this whole thing during dinner because I like you a lot. I am so relieved that we’ve gotten to lay our cards on the table.’ I fanned myself with my hand. Don’t cry, Imogen! ‘And because I don’t want there to be any more lies between us, it was my ex-boyfriend who turned me, and he did it because I wanted it.’

‘Oh. Yeah, it still doesn’t change a thing.’ His lips landed on my forehead in a peck. ‘Okay, I never imagined the topic of our exes would come up so often during our first date. Oh, well. Guess they had more of an impact on us than we’d like to think.’

‘Yeah’ — I chuckled, ‘let’s keep walking.’

I peeled myself off him. Our hands remained intertwined. Like dinner, the remaining walk — as short as it was — to the station was a quiet one. Unlike dinner, it was more so that we were simply basking, revelling, in the afterglow of our attraction to each other and each other’s presence. The world felt right again, just as it did at the farmers market.

The next time we spoke was on the train platform. ‘Thank you for the lovely time,’ I said, ‘and for being such a sweetheart.’ I waved my bouquet at him. It still looked pristine despite all the walking we did. ‘For everything.’

‘Thank you, too. I had an amazing time with you today. I can assure you that Chez Walker will serve larger portions than what we had earlier.’

‘I’m looking forward to it.’

‘The weekend after next, then?’

‘Yes,’ I said, grinning. ‘I’d be down for any time before the weekend, too, if Chez Walker is open then.’

‘I’ll speak with the chef.’

He moved in for a goodbye kiss, which I seized wholeheartedly. His smell and the sound of his heartbeat flooded my senses. I could feel his heart beating against his chest under my touch, thumping, thumping away for every second our lips lingered on each other’s. I had to contain myself and keep things G-rated and light, as such kisses were wont to be, though my instincts were screaming, baying, at me to get to satisfying at least one craving tonight. I was the one to break off the kiss for fear of going too far.

‘Just in time,’ said Jake, his eyes doing that thing they did whenever he smiled. ‘My train’s here. I’ll see you next week?’

‘I thought you said you’ll speak with the chef about next week.’

‘I realised I don’t care what the chef thinks. He’ll be fine with it anyhow: he doesn’t have to bust out the good silverware.’

‘Goodbye, Jake.’

‘See you, Imogen. Message me when you get home?’

‘I will.’

We waved at each other, right before the train doors swallowed him up. My train came soon after, too. I spent the entire ride home wondering not what to fill the void that was my stomach with, but what fresh hell the universe had in store for me in return for scoring me a guy like Jake.

#exophilia #terato #werewolf #monster love #monster romance #mine

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dramaticviolincrescendo · 4 years ago

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A Fitting Finale: Bringing Ian Full-Circle

Is everyone sick of my essays yet? Excellent. Here’s another anyway!

I’ve been trying to put my finger on what it is about Ian’s story in s11 that I love so much. It’s clear that he’s struggling on a number of levels, and he’s certainly spent the first third of the season under so much stress that it’s impacted his moods and marriage. In 11x04, we began to see hints of the tension breaking, and it made me realize that there’s a common trend in Ian’s behavior throughout the series coming to a head in his final act. It’s part of what has him so passionately advocating for Mickey to get a legal job, communicating their need to hammer out the specifics of what their marriage means, and upset at his own employment status.

From start to finish, Ian has been driven by two important motivators: love and fear.

Ian’s deep sense of love and compassion for others is well documented. We know that he will do anything for his family. I’ve mentioned before that Ian is at his best when he’s with them and his worst when he’s not. They’re his support system, and he’s a key part of theirs. They look after each other and rely on one another when the chips are down. They’re all grown up now, Liam being the exception, but those bonds are strong. They’ve matured and branched out to include Mickey, Tami, Franny, and Freddie. Ian’s heart belongs to his family, and he’s given as much of himself as he can to the people he’s been with over the years in whatever capacity they’ve needed him to.

Ian has also always been a fearful character, though not in the manner we typically visualize. He’s strong and motivated, ambitious and sensible, clever and insightful. When he decides that he wants something, he goes for it, from a South Side thug hovering in his orbit to pursuing the highest military accolades despite his small beginnings. Over and over again, we’ve seen him leap into serious and often strange situations in order to achieve his ends or something for the people he cares about. This man stole a water heater from a dead person’s house with his brother and tried to help his best friend hide a body. Certainly, he doesn’t fit the traditional stereotype. He’s not a coward.

But Ian is terrified—of everything:

· Not amounting to anything

· Not being worthy of love

· Being the center of attention

· Fading into the background and being forgotten

· Not being able to help other people or those he loves

· Not having a path

· Not being in control of himself

· Not being enough

He’s never said it. He’s never discussed these issues, except perhaps not having control. That isn’t who he is. That’s never been his way. Maybe we should add fear of communicating too, or fear of being seen as weak.

In s1, Ian makes a lot of brave choices. He comes out to three people, two of them family members, knowing how that is viewed in their neighborhood. When Mickey is after him, Ian takes the battle to his doorstep. He turns his back on an arguably easier life in a nice, middle-class neighborhood and a home with a father who would provide for him to live in the constant struggle to which he has grown accustomed. On the surface, he’s one put together kid. But then there’s Kash. There’s this man who preys on him, a middle child so responsible (and so male) that no one thinks he’d fall into any sort of trap—and Ian is desperate to keep him. He fights Lip over it and so painfully tries to make him understand his perspective, that he’s spending money he should probably be using for things he needs to buy Kash music and baseball tickets, to make him like what Ian does so that they can build their so-called relationship. That Kash is married with kids is unimportant to him; that he’s exploiting Ian’s fear of loneliness and not finding love outside his siblings, unthinkable. We know it. Lip sees it, powerless as he feels to do anything about it. Ian can’t. To date, he never will. He’s blinded by a culture that doesn’t believe such things can happen to males, and until Mickey comes along as a viable outlet for his affections and source of the ones he needs, he’s too afraid to be cautious.

Throughout s2 and s3, Ian makes difficult decisions. They’re not always smart, but it takes great strength to commit to the choices he makes: allowing Monica into his life, voicing even an ounce of his feelings to Mickey, pursuing West Point, and running away. All of them, however, are driven by love and fear alike. He’s vulnerable and needs his mother, the one who slaps Frank for shoving him and listens when he feels alone. She assuages his fears by telling him what he needs to hear: that he can do and be anything. We know there’s a danger in that, especially when she takes him to enlist when he’s nowhere near old enough, but it’s still validating for him. It feeds that need for attention but not too much attention, for understanding but not coddling, for love that originates from someone who isn’t his siblings. We see similar trends emerge: fear of losing Mickey on multiple occasions, fear that he’ll forever be in Lip’s shadow when he receives a letter of recommendation instead of Ian, and fear of never having Mickey’s full affections spiraling into fear of facing his own emotions in the aftermath of the wedding. We’ve seen that Ian runs from what he can’t process. He runs from what he can’t handle. He runs when he’s scared, especially of himself.

It continues repeatedly throughout the series. In s4, Ian is afraid of going backwards and once again losing his position in Mickey’s life. In s5, he’s afraid of being a burden on everyone around him, changing them, and losing control of his own mind. In s6, he’s afraid that this is it: his path and his goals have come to nothing, and he’s doomed to fall into the shadows where no one will ever see or love him. In s7, that fear of himself re-emerges when a patient is hurt on his watch and he has to come to terms with the fact that being better doesn’t mean he’s “cured.” In s8, he’s afraid of the void where Monica and Mickey used to be, and it sends him spiraling into a deeper one he doesn’t fear until it’s too late. In s9, he fears a lack of guidance, an indecisiveness born of having been able to rely on his hallucinations to tell him what to do. His path is gone, and he has no options. And that’s terrifying. Then Mickey is there, and he can put some of his fears to rest until they resurge with the idea of marriage in s10. All of a sudden, he’s back where he was in s5, fearing himself but also what he’ll do to someone he loves.

In s11, we’re seeing an Ian far more like he was in earlier seasons: rigidly devoted to having a plan, knowing what’s coming next, and ticking off certain boxes on the list of things you’re “supposed to do” as a married adult male. He’s spent a lot of this season seeking value in his employment and position in their marriage, and the stress has been dragging him down—quickly.

And it’s no wonder: he has every reason to be scared right now.

The thing about prison is that it is what’s known as a total institution. It is removed from society and, as such, operates under its own social beliefs, values, and norms. Like the military, another total institution, prison involves an initial period of sloughing off roles and identities from the greater society and subsequently being resocialized into a new role set. Upon release, a person undergoes the same process in reverse, and there’s an adjustment period to reintegrate into normal society. We can see that process begin when Ian gets in the car with Lip and shudders a bit, unsettled at the prospect of being outside these walls for the first time in months—going home far earlier than anticipated. For many people, it’s a difficult transformation, especially once they realize the full extent of how your life changes as an ex-convict in the U.S.

Ian doesn’t really get to adjust. From s8 to the start of s11, he undergoes a whirlwind of emotion and change. He literally loses touch with reality, starts a cult, commits a felony, is on the run from law enforcement, allows himself to be captured with one final display, goes to jail, remains unmedicated until he’s bailed out, panics at what his movement became, feels alone in the house as everyone deals with their own business and leaves him to his own devices, seeks guidance from above only to realize it wasn’t what he thought it was, can’t find answers, has warring factions telling him how to plead in court, ostensibly takes a plea deal that requires some amount of time behind bars, goes to prison, finds the love of his life there waiting for him, has to let his sister go, is released without Mickey, gets repeatedly screwed over by a corrupt PO, gets engaged, breaks up (sort of), gets engaged again, sees his wedding venue burned down, gets married, and hurtles straight into a pandemic. That’s… That’s a lot. Being a newlywed in a pandemic is a lot without all the rest of it, but this is what Ian is dealing with going into s11, and he hasn’t had the benefit of a stable readjustment and reintegration period.

He’s drowning.

He’s scared.

He has every reason to be. Marriage is scary, especially if you are so young and so in love with the person you’re marrying. Employment is scary, especially for them, because it could mean the difference between paying the utilities and running out of water. Change in general is scary, especially when it hasn’t done you any favors before.

Add all that to what Ian’s behavior has indicated that he’s been afraid of since the start, and you have a recipe for disaster.

To a great extent, that’s what I think his arc is all about this season: learning how to live again. It’s about not being so afraid of himself that he desperately grasps for any stereotypical structure for married life that he can. It’s about regaining the confidence that has always left him clawing his way to the top instead of letting life beat him down. It’s about finding the happy medium where he and Mickey aren’t doing anything illegal but aren’t stuck in a valueless spiral, scrambling and struggling to pay the bills like when they were kids.

It’s about learning not to be so afraid anymore, and I think that’s a beautiful goodbye for a beautiful character.

#shameless #shameless meta #shameless spoilers #ian gallagher #uh oh #guess what time it is #you bet #it's ian gallagher loving hours #please do not add hate for the writers or JW to my post

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fandom-necromancer · 4 years ago

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Alcohol induced Bravery

This was prompted by the amazing @headfulloffantasy! I hope you enjoy, I had my fun!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900

Nines startled as out of nowhere Gavin jumped in his view and slammed his fist on the table. He looked up at the grinning man. ‘Tonight, we’re going out drinking!’ ‘Drinking?’ ‘Yes!’ Nines leaned back against his chair in confusion but smiled at his partner’s excited face. ‘Gavin, I will need more information. May I ask why?’ ‘Of course!’ Gavin happily planted his ass on the table, completely ignoring that it was neither of their breaks and Nines had been about to finally finish that report. ‘You are as of now three-hundred-eighty-five days stuck with me.’ Nines frowned. ‘And fifteen hours, four minutes and thirty-seven seconds, to be exact. Why does this matter?’ ‘You broke the record’, Gavin smiled leaning forwards. ‘You have endured the asshole detective longer than anyone else.’ Nines chuckled to himself. ‘Well, maybe that’s because I actually enjoy your company?’ ‘Yeah, sorry, but you won’t beat Tina’s record there. But: You are the first one of my partners I actually enjoy the company of, so… Yeah, congrats, you got that title too. But now back to the subject: are you free tonight?’ ‘Sure. Didn’t have anything planned in the first place’, he lied, cancelling games night with the Andersons the very second Gavin had asked. Connor would understand. ‘Nice! Then we’ll meet at eight. I’ll send you the address later!’

It was one of the nicer bars in Detroit, Nines realised, as he stepped out of the taxi that had brought him here. Advertised as android-friendly with experimental thirium drinks it had quickly become a hot-spot for both species. Nines watched two women in stylish clothing exit, one blushed red, one blue. Both seemed intoxicated but happy and a very own blue blush spread over Nines cheeks as he saw them kiss. Of course, android-human couples used this spot too. He would simply try to focus on Gavin, not to make it too obvious. If only he could find- ‘Hey, tin-can!’ A hand on his shoulder made him turn around to the human. ‘Wow, Nines, looking good!’ Nines smiled awkwardly, taking in the human. Oh, it wouldn’t be difficult to keep his attention on him, but if that could keep him from flushing blue…

‘You look good yourself’, he muttered flattered at him and lowered his head. ‘Yeah, thought to leave the old leather jacket at home and try something a bit fancier. Should we go in? I made sure they have a table for us.’ Gavin smiled at him and Nines followed him closely. The man had indeed exchanged hoodie, dark jeans and leather jacket for beige pants and a light blue shirt. The fairer colours looked weird, but not out of place for him. Nines liked it. He liked it a lot. Gavin had folded up his sleeves accentuating his muscles nicely and the pants looked just a little bit tighter than what he wore at work. Nines noticed too late, he had been still staring at Gavin when they had sat down, and the man asked him what to drink.

‘Nines? Hey, Nines!’ Gavin snapped his fingers in front of the android’s face, grinning. Had he bluescreened or something? He had been absentmindedly stared at him all the way to their table. Ah, likely just a bit overwhelmed and caught off guard. Hank had told him Nines didn’t go out much. ‘Hey, anything of this sounds good to you?’ He pushed over the menu, already turned to the pages that had the thirium drinks. He smiled as Nines looked first at him, then at the card. Gavin used the time to really look at the other, too. He hadn’t been lying when he had said Nines looked good. Hell, he looked perfect. He always did. But this time he had chosen an expensive looking white coat with black accents. Now he shrugged out of it and revealed a soft looking black turtleneck that wrapped tightly around his body and fit his black trousers perfectly. Shit, Gavin should stop. They were work partners and friends. If the toaster wanted anything more, he could speak up. Gavin wouldn’t dare endangering what they had by asking himself.

‘I don’t know what anything of this is’, Nines said instead. ‘I guess it will simulate the effect alcohol has on humans. But I never drank something like this.’ Gavin shrugged. ‘Just try it. If you don’t like it, pick something else. I have your back, if something goes wrong, I’ll get you home and call Connor to look you over.’ Nines nodded to himself a few times, still indecisive. ‘You don’t have to drink anything, too. If that worries you’, Gavin quickly supplied. ‘I’m just here for a fun time to celebrate it.’ ‘No, I think I’ll try it.’ Nines closed the menu and put it back in the stand on the table. ‘Just one thing’, he added as an afterthought. ‘Should I drink too much and pass out from this… Don’t you dare drawing on me!’ Gavin laughed. ‘I don’t think we’ll get there today, but sure. No drawing!’

‘And then… And then he…’ Gavin was trying hard to tell the story without laughing at the ending Nines eagerly awaited. ‘He just left! Like… Went to Fowler. “Transfer me to a different precinct! If not, I’ll hand in my batch!” Funniest shit to witness.’ Nines had his chin rested on his arm that was planted on the table. He was sure that if someone pulled the table out from under him, he would simply collapse and lie on the ground until someone had the courtesy to lift him up again. However that thirium-alcohol worked, he was feeling it. He was warm, everything around him was muffled and dulled, while his mind managed to hyper focus on only one thing: Gavin Reed’s lips. Moving. Telling him how he lost the partners before him. In his opinion, none of the reasons listed where valid. Yes, Gavin could be annoying, lost his temper easily and wasn’t the best at compromising. But he was funny, intelligent, didn’t need to compromise because his approach most likely was the best one anyways and oh, he was so much more cute than annoying. Nines smiled at the memory of Gavin throwing a tantrum over his lost pen he was sure someone had maliciously stolen while it sat in his full coffee cup because the dumbass had mistaken it for the empty one.

While Gavin laughed, Nines’ eyes strayed further up to his eyes. These deep, grey, sparkling eyes with just the faintest emerald rim. The tiny creases around them as he laughed, true and honestly. He wiped the tears away with his hand, directing Nines to his scar and from there to his tough-guy scruff. As if the man could hide his soft side from him that way. ‘No, for real, my previous partners were assholes. I mean some could have been okay to work with, but nah… Glad to have you.’ Nines sighed, the words hitting where it counted. Somehow, he was sure the rising warmth in his body wasn’t – or at least not just solely – from the alcohol.

Gavin watched the android closely. He had meant what he had said. Nines was the best partner one could wish for: patient and understanding, determined enough to be convincing, but never pressed his opinions on others. He knew to read a person and understood when he needed time for himself and when he needed help. He was a true friend. A constant in his life Gavin hadn’t even known he needed. He wanted. And was that… Was the idiot flushing? Wow. He hadn’t even known an android could do that. ‘I… I’m glad to have you, too’, Nines whispered slowly, shily looking up at him. ‘I… I wanted to thank you for this. It’s nice.’ ‘What is nice?’, Gavin asked, feeling giddy about what the android was telling him. Nines looked to the side. ‘All of this. The bar. Celebrating something. Spending more time with you. Outside of work I mean.’ Gavin grinned. ‘Yeah, Nines, I like it too. We could do this more often.’ ‘How often?’, the android asked. How did he sound so hopeful? Maybe it was the alcohol, but Gavin leaned back and smirked. ‘However often you want.’ He saw Nines swallowing. Then he looked at him more seriously than the situation should allow. ‘I like you Gavin.’ ‘Hey, tin-can, me too’, Gavin shrugged swirling his glass in his hand. ‘I like you a lot.’ Oh-oh. ‘Err… I… I like you a lot, too.’ Now Gavin was the one blushing as he felt his ears warm up. Nines nodded. ‘I think I… I think I love you, Gavin.’ And with how shy and hopeful the damn android looked at him, what else could Gavin say? ‘Damn, love you too, Nines.’

Nines grinned and hobbled a bit closer on the bench of the booth. ‘Err… Would you mind if we… Can I kiss you?’ ‘Man, I thought you would never ask!’

#detroit become human #dbh #Reed900 #RK900 #Gavin Reed #morosexuals at work #I needed that fluff after the last prompts #these two idiots will be the end of me #mutual pining idiots #He's so intelligent Oh his plans are perfect So clever #Meanwhile...#Just kiss you morons

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skaylanphear · 5 years ago

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None of y’all are actually understanding The Puppeteer 2 (spoilers ahead)

Okay, so it’s been a LONG time since I’ve written any meta on this show. Mostly because a lot of episodes are now focused on things I don’t care so much about, BUT I was rather inspired by Puppeteer 2, especially since SO MANY PEOPLE seem to be missing the entire point of the episode.

Now, I’m not giving the writers of the show a ton of credit--they have their good and bad moments. But given the obvious budget of this episode as well as the sheer amount of dialogue, I think it’s pretty fair to assume at least some thought was put into this episode.

So, first and foremost, there were a few points made during this episode.

Let’s start with the Wax Museum and why it’s so pertinent to this episode. The Wax Museum is made entirely up of celebrities. Though we have encountered Adrien and his status before, this is one of the most direct ways they could have drawn attention to it. There is a clear line in this episode--Adrien is a celebrity, his friends are not. Yes, the akumas had wax statues, but the victims and their akumas are not the same people, so to say.

So here we have an “honor” that is only ever granted to celebrities (wax figures) and we have Adrien coming in to work on his. But before that, we have a constant back and forth in the car as to why Marinette is even there--is she Adrien’s friend? His lover? Just a fan of wax statues? This is important because it is less a reflection of Adrien and Marinette’s characters as it is Marinette’s own, let’s say, psychological confusion over how she views Adrien. We’ve seen here make stupid, flustered claims about Adrien before, and these conversations are forcing her to face that head on, even if Adrien remains oblivious as always.

During the conversation up to the top of the building, we are faced with more of this confusion. Namely, Adrien’s interpretation of his relationship with Marinette versus her own. Granted, Nino brings to light a lot of the problems, but he is less the cause so much as the vehicle with which Marinette’s own inability to be honest is being portrayed. Her behavior causes confusion, even if Adrien is unable to fully grasp that (which is all the more part of the problem). Alya, Nino, and Adrien are ALL responding to the issue of Marinette’s feelings in different ways, because THEY are confused as to what she actually wants and what they’re meant to be doing. Marinette says one thing and then backs out a moment later. As someone who recently went through something similar, my initial indecisiveness to admit my feelings to the person I liked caused a lot of back and forth confusion for the people I had told. Marinette’s situation has spiraled FAR beyond that, which is all the more reason we’re getting these vastly different interpretations as far as how her friends are meant to be reacting. The POINT is that her indecisiveness and timidity is confusing and this is becoming a problem.

The other thing that I think is interesting in the following scene--which will lead me back around to my main point--is the fact that despite having come with Adrien to support him because the wax stuff is going to be long and boring, all his friends abandon him when he’s literally trapped in the vice of “celebrity.” Granted, Nino and Alya leaving is a bit of a device to move the plot forward, but Marinette also leaving kind of wraps the whole thing up in a neat bow. She’s supposed to confess and ultimately can’t. And instead of staying with Adrien as a good friend should despite her inability, she leaves as a flustered mess.

Adrien is now alone, his hand clamped in a wax trap. In a lot of ways, this is extremely symbolic of his status as a celebrity and his friends not being a part of that. That Marinette left as a flustered mess only makes this worse, especially since she left him in a manner that is very similar to how a flustered fan might react if they become overwelmed.

This is important because we’re now seeing a very clear implication that though she desires to know Adrien and has done many things to be a good friend to him, Marinette is still haunted by this “idea” of Adrien that she has that isn’t at all factual. And while I don’t think it’s celebrity worship, as some would argue, I do think that the metaphor of celebrity worship in this episode is a very good use of Adrien’s character. We are seeing that Marinette interprets Adrien in a light that is not entirely realistic, which doesn’t help anyone.

This metaphor is only further expanded after her discussion with Tikki. While Tikki’s advice might seem helpful, what it really does is further support the notion that Marinette’s entire infatuation with Adrien is shadowed by false idealizations. She creates a persona to act as in order to communicate with him. She is literally creating a role for herself that she thinks will allow her to exist in Adrien’s, I guess, “proximity” so as to allow her to “get what she wants,” so to speak. She’s acting--as in, she’s lying. Just as much to herself, I think, as she is Adrien.

And this whole thing is only made worse by Adrien’s “prank.” He symbolically becomes nothing more than a wax statue during the entire time that Marinette is playing her “role.” She even goes on a tangent about all the great characteristics he has as a statue, highlighting a lot of shallow aspects of why she’s attracted to him. Granted, I think there’s more to it than that (her feelings, I mean), but she’s so confused by the “more” that it’s hardly relevant if she can’t voice her feelings in the first place, beyond how “perfect” she thinks he is.

Now, this is the “cringe” part of the episode that everyone is complaining about. But to be honest, I really didn’t think it was that bad. It clearly shows Marinette’s idealization of Adrien, as well as the “form” Adrien has within that idealization. That she said all the silly things she did (again, playing her role) and kissed him, while embarrassing, is wholly within her character. Given her tendency to fantasize on extreme levels, I think I’d be more surprised if she didn’t try to kiss Adrien’s wax statue. I get people are annoyed with Marinette constantly being the cause of bad things, or the butt of jokes, etc, but I don’t think that this situation is wholly unfounded given her personality. It was very in character for her to act that way, and I think it made a rather valid point about her feelings for Adrien. After all, she and Adrien may be “friends,” but they’re clearly not close enough for him to feel certain about what she really thinks of him, so she can’t be that close to him, which means there is a bit of shallowness on her side as far as her feelings, even is she would prefer it be different.

Now, another complaint people have been voicing about the episode is “why can’t Marrinette have a tastefully handled confession like Chat?” And while a lot of you didn’t seem to realize this, the episode actually addresses that.

When Chat Noir flirts with Ladybug, she actually stops fighting to ask him how he so easily is able to express his feelings, because she has such a hard time doing the same thing. He responds with some line about how the people you care about should know how you feel, but the whole point of that episode was to illustrate the differences between Adrien and Marinette, and kind of explain why Marinette’s confession is so long in coming while Chat Noir has confessed, like, two or three times now.

For better or worse, Marinette’s inability to be honest about her feelings for Adrien is a huge conflict surrounding her character and has been from the beginning. Much bigger than Chat’s conflict over his feelings for Ladybug, which tend to be addressed in a more, let’s say, lighthearted manner than Marinette’s feelings for Adrien. Adrien is a very forthcoming person. He likes to think the best in people and is very honest about how he feels with almost anyone. And while I think he should probably re-evaluate the behavior he thinks is acceptable from other people, he mostly deals with any kind of conflict straight out. He doesn’t sit and stew like Marinette does, he doesn’t even waste time thinking about Chloe and Lila. Adrien would much rather think about the good than the bad. In fact, he would much rather ignore the bad (which is probably why he tried confessing so many times--likely hoping for a different outcome. Optimists, amiright?)

Marinette is NOTHING like this. She will sit and stew and plan and make herself anxious and scared and angry over things that would slide off Adrien’s back like water slides off ducks (thank you, Crowley). Marinette confessing is a much bigger roadblock because of this difference in their personalities. And it’s also why she gets all sweet on Chat for his reasoning behind why he can express his feelings so easily, because he makes it sound so simple, which is exactly what Marinette needs. Not overly complicated plans (Nino and Alya) or anything like that. She needs to be able to push back on her anxiety, walk up to Adrien, and just say it (much like how she kissed his cheek in the finale of the last season). No attempts made by her to confess will EVER succeed so long as there is any kind of convoluted plan surrounding it.

The writers were literally giving the viewers a direct comparison between Adrien and Marinette as far as how they deal with their feelings and y’all missed it because you were too busy being mad. While Adrien overly simplifies situations--which can be both good and bad--Marinette is more likely to overly complicate things--which is also both good and bad. Where Adrien might fail to see how complex a situation is, Marinette will, whereas Adrien is able to make things simpler where Marinette cannot. You even see it in their fighting styles. Adrien ALWAYS goes for the obvious physical attack, while Marinette is the one to strategize. IT HAS BEEN A LITERAL PART OF THEIR PERSONALITIES FROM THE BEGINNING AND YOU ALL MISSED IT!

The point of this episode was to illustrate Marinette’s issues with her feelings for Adrien, as well as draw comparisons between them so as to better understand why Marinette’s attempts to confess ALWAYS FAIL!

Until Marinette can pull back enough to see Adrien less as a terrifying mountain to climb and more like a simple set of stairs, she will not be able to reach him.

And that is the tea.

#miraculous ladybug #ml #mlb #the puppeteer 2 #meta #me stuff #adrienette

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sugar-petals · 5 years ago

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hey i know this is a bit random, but can u do a reading on lucas from nct? like what is he like personally? btw, ich liebe dich caro!

let’s do this, and thanks for not requesting all members 😂 this one became an essay already. it’s gonna surprise you, take a deep breath.

TWO OF WANDS (reverse)

Key word: safety.

The part of Yukhei’s personality that we don’t see has something unsure to it. It’s very much in contradiction to his idol image. Believe it or not, he frequently experiences a lot of self-doubt and isn’t confident in his future. The upright TWO OF WANDS signals a prospect and enterprise, the man on the card has the world in his literal hands — in reverse, it shows that the person is anxious about the unknown and avoids exposure. Where we see his bright spirit in public, privately, Lucas catches himself worrying a lot. Why? He desires to play it safe and not step out of line.

Deep down, he rather conforms than dares to leap forward. Whether he could actually pull it off or not he doesn’t know. Something holds him back when he goes about his daily business because he really doesn’t like change and unpredictable events. So, he remains restrained, procrastinates, is often passive rather than enthusiastic the way we know him on camera. The thing is, he ends up tolerating that limbo in his life, because his need for safety further kicks in. That tells you something very important about Lucas already.

There’s a reason why he flocks to daring characters and they flock to him. Baekhyun, Ten, you get the energy. They don’t worry as much and know how to work their way around conformity. They help him navigate his very challenging environment. Lucas himself has troubles generating that kind of courage due to the constant qualms in his mind. His personality is more indecisive as his confident aura suggests. He is plagued by wanting to put himself out there and taking all the important options and on the other hand, being more grounded and content with much less.

Especially in his romantic life he ends up in these kinds of dynamics. Lucas feels like he’ll be prone to be hesitant in love, spiral into boredom, settling rather than making big plans. The energetic celebrity we see is unlike the block in his life that he experiences. What the card wants us to understand about him is that he values low risk above all things which has to be honored. There is something compelling in him that asks to be protected and to take it slow.

Also, aspiring to a kind of minimalism, leaving the hustle behind to get back to the essence. You heard that right: Although he arguably has the qualities, superstardom is not as suitable for him as we think. In fact, Lucas wants to be normal and things to actually be uneventful and no constant gamble with fortune. Or the public, on top of that. What he secretly desires is not having to be outstanding and successful. Proving his worth and working his ass off only resonates with one aspect of him, but not his totality.

It’s a strong double bind he finds himself in. When the cameras are off and nobody is around, he realizes that he doesn’t really want to shine and look good to the world, or make a big difference. It’s not completely authentic to his truth. A voice inside tells him again and again that he wants to be ordinary but beats himself up for that wish because he’s expected to act the opposite, since it is valued by his environment and his looks invariably put him in that position, and that gives him a sort of security and esteem as well.

He struggles a lot with that, he cannot not be ignored with that kind of appearance. It puts him into many a spotlight he’s not fully comfortable with. Lucas always feels 50-50 when he gets his screen time even if he dearly wishes he’d fit his role. But inside he’s no G-Dragon, he’s no HyunA, he’s no Kim Jongin – whom he really admires for really being 100% behind his own stage presence without a single doubt in his mind.

The whole game requires Yukhei to constantly play along and own it even if he’d rather not talk about it and be like you and me, minding our own business cozied up at home. Pretense he dislikes, the rat race he fears, bragging about himself he doesn’t enjoy, resorting to vanity and celebrity antics makes him uneasy. He doesn’t want to be put on the spot to talk and perform all the time. Kind he is, Yukhei always puts up a brave front, puts a good face on the matter, tries to be grateful and please others. But then again, he would rather have all things Zen without big decisions, big ventures, big social life, and alluring options all around him.

At the end of the day, Lucas wants everything in life to be much more average and non-glamorous, even mediocre. He’s seen how being larger than life is like and realized it’s not as fulfilling as everybody wants to believe. That secret thought of his would appall and disappoint many others in the business who are genuinely in it to make it far, and that wish is equally as valid as his. It’s just that in his case, he’s not in the position to request things to be average and routined, and all contained in one spot (I am sure his ideal residence would be very secluded and steadfast) instead of worldwide. He’s gone global, he’s a star, he has no chance, at least not in the next few years.

The card shows me a huge dilemma going on there, you can tell by how it’s two wands — meaning, two possible ways. Succumbing to the idol way or sticking to his values of caution and keeping things smooth. It goes back and forth in his mind, and he cannot voice his concern with all the expectations rested on him. There’s definitely a lot of weight on those big shoulders, moreso than with a lot of other idols who accustom to fame much better.

Far down the line, what the message of the tarot eventually indicates is that he would rather pick an unobtrusive and calm life against all odds in the end. Lucas is an easy-going character who’s had his cake and rather than charging forward aspires to go back to the roots as soon as he can. He sees a lot of charm and fulfillment in it. Normalcy and a predictable daily life is all he wishes for. He enjoys the certainty of that, it speaks of a character that is all about comfort and dependability.

-----

if you enjoy my readings, you can donate on ko-fi ☕️

#tarot reading #lucas #yukhei #xuxi #nct #tarot #nct tarot #wayv #wayv tarot reading #nct tarot reading #nct 127 #anon #cub mail 🐅#i see you speaking german anon

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convivialjoys · 4 years ago

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the signs summed up, from my personal experiences with them

Aries: Spring and Fireworks together, somehow. But they're all of the new, exciting parts of spring, none of the soft, pretty parts. They are life, new life. Young souls. Usually very funny, laugh at a lot of things, and don't get embarrassed easily. Usually make great leaders when they can pay attention for long enough, especially if it involves a cause with passion, but they bore easily if the experience is not new. They fizzle out quickly, which makes them seem angry and volatile at times. Need to constantly be Doing something. Very physical energy. Can be indecisive, especially when bored. They don't linger on the past; only move forward into the new. They don't tend to hold grudges. Blood in the Cut by K. Flay. A little bit egotistical, but they also can laugh at themselves. Quick anger; explosive, but not lasting. The embodiment of Mars. Flashy and powerful.

Taurus: Earthy; almost doe-like. Innocent. Unintentionally hilarious, usually in a very cute, charming way. Very reliable and consistent. Stubborn, sometimes to a fault - they've found what they like, they've found what works, and that's that on that; don't waste their time. They like to take things slow. They don't tend to worry about things that don't matter / infringe on their happiness. They like the simple, beautiful pleasures in life; they like being comfortable, and living in luxury. Deep, solid, Venus energy. Over and Over by Tullio. Prone to laziness if they are not careful, but they are also consistent in the work they do. Their anger is rigid, but not bitter, and not fire-y. They do not hold grudges; they'll charge, and forget why they charged two minutes later. Often can laugh at themselves.

Gemini: The definition of adaptable. The chameleons of the zodiac. Quite chaotic. Generally unattached to most things, but fascinated by all things. Tend to be fantastic storytellers through acting. The fun side of Mercury. Amazing at holding conversations. Karma Chameleon by Boy George. Quirky; oftentimes have a difficult time sitting still, due to their constant need to "drift." Always up for a good time. The person that you lose track of time talking to. Don't take themselves too seriously, and will admire you if you can one-up them at their own game. Never offended. Masters of shade, oftentimes without anyone else realizing it. Quite content with having their own inside jokes with themselves. Generally entertained by others, which makes them social, even if they're not necessarily emotionally involved. Have very original thoughts. Geniuses, but can't always organize their own ideas, or say them in a way that make sense. Don't need to be seen or heard by others to feel validated, but do need to be engaged in some way, socially.

Cancer: Gentle, understanding, compassionate. Easily nurture others, and know exactly when it is needed. Associated with the moon and the mother. Soft, but not fragile. Very solid and reliable. Are You Alright by Lucinda Williams. Make for good instigators of things, due to their cardinal energy - are likely the friends to take the lead, if a lead should be taken - but they'll do so in a graceful and tactful way. Can be withdrawn, surprisingly, and prone to social exhaustion quickly. Sensitive to vibes of the environment, especially of the home. Empathetic. Can sense when someone is "off" emotionally, and are likely to ask you about it. Offer hugs, but don't want them in return. They want to nurture, but not be nurtured, or they'll withdraw.

Leo: Pride, nobility, courage. Roar loudly and proudly. Don't Rain On My Parade by Barbra Streisand. Feel fulfilled by being the "light" in the room, and the center of it. Shameless in this; finds shame distasteful. A maned aristocrat. The Sun. Unyielding in their opinions. Will charge and kill, and will not hold back once they've decided to do so. Loyal to their loved ones, and are likely the first ones to stand up for you. Like to show off, and like to show you off, too, if you're in a relationship with them. A bit grandiose; can be jokers. Thrive off of others looking at them. They will love you if you love them. No pretense with them. Ignoring them is one of the worst things you can do to them. Usually appear "large" and take up a lot of space; they have a presence. They could pull Apollo's chariots. Always have the last word; you will not "win" an argument with them.

Virgo: The fixers. Both perfectionists and chaotic. Generally fit in where ever they are, due to their mutable energy. Obsessions by MARINA. Very tasteful; not promiscuous. Have a pure light about them that makes them seem "untainted" by the world around them, despite any hardships they might have endured. Mercurial, conversational, oftentimes make for exceptional writers. Similar to Gemini, but if Gemini were more grounded. Observant about others, but not always necessarily about themselves. Probably well read, even if they can't remember from which book their facts are coming from. Can be at odds with themselves often, due to their dual need for material success / values, and their simultaneously floaty, dreamy energy. Can be very self critical, and prone to anxiety, especially if things are not in order. Like things resolved, and will obsess if they are not. Often the nerd friends. Dabbled in a lot, and know about a lot. Usually very successful, even if they don't want grandiose things. May struggle with self image, or some form of dysphoria. Soft hearted.

Libra: The diplomats, the judges. Very graceful; love to be comfortable and stylish. A little bit shady, but you have to look hard to see this, as it will be disguised in tact. Charming, with soft eyes. Venus energy, but a bit more forward and extroverted than Taurus. Vogue by Madonna. Have a tendency to mirror who they are communicating with. Social, usually good at taking lead, and at communicating your thoughts back to you in a way that makes sense to all. Mediators. Fascinated with relationships between people, and enjoy observing / talking about them. Oftentimes romantic, but can bore easily. Flirts. A little vain. Very into looks and appearances, due to the artistic influence of Venus. Interested in what you have to say, and in hearing all viewpoints, so they can judge which is the just one. See the light and dark of most situations, and the beauty in both. Find disharmony abhorrent; will oftentimes hide their true anger at a situation because of this. Will bend over backwards to try and understand others and their situations; will find it unjust if the same treatment is not given to them. Can be ruthless in their judgments, especially if they perceive injustice. Are usually forgiving if you've wronged them in some way and attempted to reconcile. Social; easy to get along with and talk to. Could be ambassadors for humanity.

Scorpio: Powerful, perceptive. Dark, mysterious. Observant; probably the most observant of all of the signs. Terrible Thing by AG. Can be quite funny, and have a weird sense of humor that seems uncharacteristic. They do not reveal information unless absolutely critical; power through knowledge is of utmost importance to them. Incredibly sharp and remember conversations from five years ago that seem meaningless to you. Everlasting souls. You likely will not forget these people, and they won't forget you, either. Unyielding and relentless, but also crafty. Probably have a number of topics that they've researched extensively, and could easily write a thesis on, but instead let only hints of said information out occasionally. Deep, transformative. Somehow the Scorpion and the Eagle in one. There is a sense that they will be the last ones standing. Reliable; they will never flake. They want to know everything about you. Their observations about things are masterful, poetic, and unbelievably perceptive. Emotional, but not open about this, and not necessarily empathetic. A deep focus, and sometimes there is a tendency to hyperfixate.

Sagittarius: Very lucky. Fun; an all around great time. Probably not good at holding alcohol. High Hopes by Panic! At the Disco. Are the most likely of your friends to end up in an obscure bar at 4am, dancing on tables. Will fight at all times, but will also laugh quickly after fighting. Chaotic, but somehow always survives every situation unscathed. Love to travel, and are probably well traveled, or have dreams of doing so. Curious about everything; very easy to talk to because of this. Have a lot of various interests that may make them seem flighty, but it is simply because they are infatuated with the world. Overstimulated easily; very physical. Will never judge you for anything. Probably have laughter that is infectious. Have a somewhat humorous quality about them. Can be egotistical, but are usually good-natured, too. There is a sense that they are good friends, and a deep positivity around being with them. They have their own backs.

Capricorn: Organized, classy, powerful, or crave becoming powerful. Very earthy, but the part of earth that makes diamonds. Disciplined, due to Saturn being their ruler. Have dreams rooted in either material possessions and wealth, or status through other means, but want to get there through hard work, and all on their own. We Have It All by Pim Stones. Never want to count on others, but you can count on them to be reliable and to give you practical, good advice. Usually very good at gift giving. Prone to being critical, but it is always to help you, and well intentioned. Both crave status and feel unworthy of status. Admire those with status. Care very deeply, but may have a hard time showing it. Prideful. They don't hold grudges. They somehow make practicality look artful. Structured, responsible. Somewhat of traditionalists at heart. Probably very family oriented, and "tough love" nurturers, but are also appropriately nurturing.

Aquarius: The politicians, the humanitarians, the executives. Probably philanthropists, or would make good ones. Water bearers; they bear the "life" of the world and its answers, and are here to communicate that with us. Quite social, yet emotionally disconnected. Higher Love by Kygo & Whitney Houston. Can seem distant; they see the problems of any given situation or initiative easily, and know exactly how to communicate fixing those, but in an unemotional way. Speaking with the masses is what they are best at. They seem almost other-worldly, or above everyone, because of this. They usually make successful CEOs. A misfit, in the best of ways. They tend to have reasons for everything they do. Fun and open-minded, they love to goof off, but surprisingly tend to have a stubborn streak due to their fixed modality. Very hard to win a debate against them; they can probably sway you in their direction, since it is always logical and well reasoned. Intellectuals. A little unusual, but not in the quirky way that Gemini is; more because they stand out as very intelligent leaders. Charismatic. Social. A little "zany" because of their air. Have a sense of "unease" or sudden movement about them, due to the unexpected, restless energy of Uranus.

Pisces: Always seem to be drifting; quirky, probably funny in that way. Very dreamy. Loving souls; very soft. Tend to be introverted and artistic. They are curious about intuitive, creative ventures, such as acting, painting, writing, musical instruments or music. Talented at such things. Very good at reading emotions, and are usually also affected by them, too. Can get overstimulated very easily. Empaths. Love involving themselves in people and situations in the same way that Gemini does, and are adaptable, but very emotionally sensitive. May even be emotionally volatile or unpredictable due to this. Their intuition is other-worldly. They are the oldest signs in the zodiac, and probably seem psychic, or are, in many ways. Have a sense of living many past lives about them. Blowing Kisses in the Wind by Paula Abdul. Usually very content with being in their own heads. Visual or auditory thinkers. Sometimes have synesthesia. Have a hard time staying "rooted" because of all of the amazing worlds they see, outside of our own immediate one. The dreamers, the psychics. Neptune, associated with illusion and dreams. Make for excellent storytellers, and usually lead by example, rather than by communication. Have a way of understanding the universe that is unique and unlike any other.

#zodiac #the zodiac #the signs summed up #astrology #i added a bonus song that i think best sums up each sign in each description #this was super fun to do but RLY hard

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ahb-writes · 4 years ago

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Book Review: ‘At Night, I Become a Monster’

At Night, I Become a Monster by Yoru Sumino My rating: 5 of 5 stars To witness the struggle within is to validate the sealing of one's own coffin, and to realize the seal is often tighter than one suspects. Such is the case for a student, Adachi-san, and the array of young narcissists-in-training with whom he finds comfort. Is the disquiet and uncertainty wrought by one's inability to forgive too stifling to endure? Are the crude, juvenile behaviors of schoolyard bullies too predictable to pity? If the common kindness of a fellow classmate suddenly becomes cause for utter rebuke, why is silence so often construed as the best answer? AT NIGHT, I BECOME A MONSTER, typical of Sumino's work, flickers a light into the pupil of a character whose sense of self and certainty demands further scrutiny. Of note here is the quarantining of emotion required of middle school and high school kids who participate in, witness, or endure extreme bullying. Adachi, the narrator, witnesses the daily endurance of a short, awkward, and socially clumsy girl -- Yano Satsuki -- as the weight of external disgust rises and falls like the tide. Yano-san's property is defaced, she is physically assaulted, she is verbally abused, and more.

And just as there is no easy answer for why the addled girl who has trouble reading the room endures her bullying, there is no easy answer for why her classmate, who witnesses these constant wrongdoings but does nothing to stop them, becomes a creature of incalculable darkness upon nightfall.

And yet, Yano always smiles, always keeps pushing forward. "Good . . . morning," she always says, her dialogue clipped. And yet, Adachi keeps watching, keeps wondering, keeps scratching at the surface: "Why?" AT NIGHT, I BECOME A MONSTER is all about asking questions for which there are no easy (or desirable) answers. Adachi's concern for the girl with the speech impediment who seems oblivious to the world around her is paramount ("Nothing I could say would get through to her [..] she was a girl who lived life at her own tempo," p. 52). Further, this wayward affection rivals the driving curiosity for the novel writ large: Every night, Adachi transforms into a shapeshifting beast with eight eyes, six legs, and four tails. And just as there is no easy answer for why the addled girl who has trouble reading the room endures her bullying, there is no easy answer for why her classmate, who witnesses these constant wrongdoings but does nothing to stop them, becomes a creature of incalculable darkness upon nightfall. Self-awareness, somewhat ironically, is made most obvious when glimpsed through another person's perspective. In AT NIGHT, I BECOME A MONSTER, Adachi's anxiety and agony over his temporary, monstrous new form is given a delightfully perplexing new food for thought: What if the monster at night isn't a transformation at all? That is to say, what if the monster is who he truly is? Adachi stumbles into a friendship with the mumbling Yano. In the evening, at school, when it's dark and quiet and one can hear oneself think, the two chat about Miyazaki films, cell phone games, and pop music ("I think I had genuinely begun to take some sort of strange interest in this even stranger classmate of mine," p. 189). He still ignores her during the day, to preserve the false "circle of unity," he has contrived to absolve himself of feeling guilty for her bullying. But the more time Adachi spends with the girl, he comes to realize the stumbling, smirking, speech-delayed maelstrom that is Yano is more in tune with herself than anyone else is with their selves. She is not slow, she is patient. She is not dumb, she is cautious. She is not smug, she is persistent. The novel isn't merely narrated by Adachi but is heavily guided (biased) by his emotional state of mind. The author's decision to ride out the uneven emotions of a teenage boy unsure about life, kindness, responsibility, and all the rest forces the novel to pitch and shake like a vessel on the open sea.

In other words, AT NIGHT, I BECOME A MONSTER is less a bargaining of what one prides in favor of what one derides than it is, in the end, a quest toward exposure.

The boy is angry at his classmates for abusing the girl (and he is angry at himself for not helping her). The boy is bemused at why his classmates flock to a quiet girl, Midorikawa, whom Yano offended so long ago (but he refuses to prod for details). The boy manufactures alliances and treaties and betrayals in the span of a moment, believing himself the arbiter of reality without ever actually consulting his own, muted heart ("a flaw in my disposition," p. 218). Dramatic irony is nowhere to be found in much of Sumino's oeuvre for the simple reason that many of these characters -- as prone to misfortune as they are to indecision -- only reach pacifying waters toward the end of their journeys. A difficult, startling, and ultimately sad truth. In other words, AT NIGHT, I BECOME A MONSTER is less a bargaining of what one prides (communal approval) in favor of what one derides (outlier status) than it is, in the end, a quest toward exposure. For all its psychological drama and for all of its psychological/physiological horror, this novel is not really about understanding the favorable relative to the non-favorable; it's about discerning the internal constant that lies among both the favorable and the non-favorable. Is the nighttime creature an external manifestation of the egotism and social avarice present within the boy during the day? Are the nighttime creature and the daytime animal both monsters, preoccupied with servicing different mentalities? Or is something else the monster? Something cruder, baser, and fare more fundamental to the bestial being that calls the mind home?

Light-Novel Book Reviews || ahb writes on Good Reads

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shkspr · 5 years ago

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hey do you have any advice on figuring out your sexuality? I don't know what your experience has been but im struggling

anon, i am deeply sorry that it took me so long to answer this. it’s a combination of the fact that you can’t edit a draft of an ask on mobile (wack) and the fact that i’ve been trying to figure out how to say what i want to say (normal, i feel). anyway, this is what i’ve got, and i hope it helps.

first off, due to the nature of the things i’m discussing here, i want to state unequivocally that i am a lesbian who is open to relationships with trans women because i am attracted to women, and trans women are women. if anybody touches this post with their transmisogyny i will cast the evil eye on them.

for what it’s worth, my experience with my own sexuality has been a long, hard process, and it’s been heavily, undeniably affected by my simultaneous journey with my gender identity, my personal identity, my childhood trauma, and my mental health. pretty much from the ages of 13 to 19 i was in a constant state of questioning everything about myself as a person. the only reason i even considered i might not be straight was bc i had friends who were not straight and i admired them. you can see how that would be confusing to a small teen who is already insecure about being a poser and a fake in every other aspect of life.

once i really examined what i was feeling, and talked it out with some of the aforementioned friends, i could admit that i wasn’t pretending, and that’s when i began identifying as bi. i wove in and out of different terminologies for a few years, burned thru several nb identities and several aspec identities, but the bottom line was that i was attracted to my own gender and other genders, and that was solid for a while.

when i was 18, i began thinking that i might be a lesbian bc, shock of shocks, i had made some very cool lesbian friends whom i admired. and i pretty much pushed that idea out of the way for a bit, telling myself it was not the truth, that i just wanted to feel special and cool, i just wanted to fit in. but then, shock of shocks again, i talked to some of my cool lesbian friends and they were very understanding and accepting and explained to me why all the reasons i thought i “couldn’t” be a lesbian were actually bullshit.

so then i was a lesbian! and i spent a long time exploring my relationship with sex and found that i wasn’t asexual; some people are, and that’s cool! but my experience wasn’t a lack of sexual attraction or desire, it was a fear of vulnerability and a traumatic history with sexual content. i still had (or have) a complex experience with sex, and a muddy picture of gender, and a deeply flawed concept of interpersonal relationships, but i am a lesbian. and i’ve been comfortable with that for a while now, and i don’t foresee myself changing how i feel about that, but unexpected things can happen.

and even though i’m comfortable with being a lesbian and calling myself a lesbian, there are always going to be things that give me pause. the thing is, the main way that i’ve changed and grown in this regard, is that those things don’t make me seriously question myself anymore. i’m secure enough in my sexuality to know that comphet, genderfeels, societal bias, etc etc, doesn’t make me less of a lesbian, even though it might feel like it sometimes.

that’s what it’s been like for me. my experiences are not universal, but i do happen to know that some of them are fairly common. but there’s also no right or wrong way to find yourself. there’s no rush, there’s no requirement. it is confusing and difficult more often than not, in a lot of different and scary ways. that being said, if there’s one piece of advice you take away from this post, it’s to always remember that your experiences are your own, and nobody else can decide for you what they mean or what to do with them.

it’s like this: you know when people say “everyone’s a little bit bisexual”? that’s not true, obviously. but i think there’s a truth hidden underneath it, and i think it’s a common experience that erroneously leads some people to that belief. no matter how you identify, there is almost always going to be something - compulsory heterosexuality, personal trauma that makes sex or romance uncomfortable, past relationships, one (1) very attractive man, whatever it is - that makes you think you’re wrong. even if you know you’re right. there’s always going to be something that could at any moment cause you to stop and think: wait, am i lying to myself?

and some people are not as vulnerable to those thoughts! some people go thru their daily lives and very rarely, if ever, consciously question their sexuality or their perception or performance of it. but other people are more susceptible to the thought spirals and the self-doubt and the confusion, and society at large feeds that and feeds upon it. for every lesbian you meet, there’s seven people giving twelve different reasons why they can’t be a “real” lesbian. for every bisexual person you meet, there’s a handful of thinkpieces about bisexuality that contradict their experiences. and so on and so forth. and that’s enough to cause a lot of indecision and anxiety.

but it’s also very freeing to take that thought and follow it to its necessary conclusion: that nobody on earth can tell you what your sexuality is. sure, if you’re a woman who feels genuine attraction to men and wants to pursue sex or relationships with them, you’re not a lesbian. that’s just because words have meanings. but you get to decide what “genuine attraction” is to you, and you get to decide whether you’re comfortable pursuing those relationships. and that’s just one example; the same logic applies broadly.

the bottom line is really that agonizing over labels and definitions just means you miss the forest for the trees. in a practical sense, in real life, who would you want to date, marry, kiss, have sex with, etc.? without thinking about what you should do, what you should want, what you’d be able to do if you had to, what you did last week, internet discourse, a dream you had when you were 12, whatever, none of it is relevant except insofar as it informs your current feelings on the matter. you’re not obligated to choose a label, and if you want one then there’s no deadline to pick one, and once you do you’re not locked into an identity for life.

which is all to say that no, not everybody is a little bit bisexual, but nobody is 100% anything, in this or any other facet of life. and that doesn’t mean that people’s sexualities aren’t valid; they are valid, but they aren’t objective or concrete in the way we would often like them to be. they’re helpful labels for explaining something that is actually unfathomably complicated. so whatever you do, whatever you decide: you don’t need to be sure, you don’t need to be right, you don’t need to be a certain kind of person, you don’t need to be anything in particular. you just need to be comfortable.

#Anonymous #long post ---#ok to rb #gd this is a doozy

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eternaljouska · 5 years ago

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Redamancy, Chapter 4 - Lee Jihoon

Pairing: Husband!JihoonxReader

Genre: Angst, the tiniest amount of Fluff

Word Count: 2.1k

A/N: I still am not sure how many chapter this story’s going to be. The number above’s just the amount of chapter of which idea I already laid out. And somehow I’m not really proud with this chapter...?

–

It’s only the next week that the hospital lets you out.

You are nervous. And so is Jihoon. Both of you are standing in front of a two-story house he claims yours. It is rather big, and it is pretty. You don’t know what to expect from going home. You also don’t know what is expected of you. And it makes things get a little too overwhelming. Your mother-in-law has suggested that your sons are to spend the week off or more with her in Jihoon’s old apartment, as to not make it worse for you. Surely you can’t jump back to your role as a mother when you can’t even remember having them in the first place. You know that she means well, but your brain keeps seeing things from the bad side, and you can’t help but think it’s just your head.

Jihoon on your side takes a long breath before he opens the door and guides you in. And the view before you is enough to bring your thoughts back from its wandering. The inside is as pretty as the outside, but it is quiet—too quiet.

“Um, I- I’ll give you a tour.” Jihoon’s voice cracks through the silence. You smile a little, it’s impossible not to feel bitter. Not when you need a tour of your own house. Not when your husband can’t even talk without stumbling on his words.

He goes through the first-floor basic: living room, bathrooms, dining room, kitchen, guest rooms, the kids’ rooms, and the master room. He only gestures roughly to the last room before he asks you to follow him upstairs, dismissing the grand piano sitting near the stairs. If nobody could recognize the house as you and Jihoon’s, they’d surely can once they reached the second floor. From left to right, there is Jihoon’s studio, the family’s music room, a mini gym, and your haven. You don’t miss the smile that he shoots you when he says the word ‘haven’. A real smile, which��as cliché as it is—makes your heart skips a beat on its wake. You copy that smile and paste it on your face as he opens the big wooden door for you.

You gasp.

Your eyes wash every possible inch of the room from where you stand halfway through the door. It is marvelous, and you feel like you’re tearing up. The first half of the room is filled with tall shelves full of books. And as it goes, the room transitions into a greenhouse and opening up to a balcony, which you guess faces the back of the house. Half of the greenhouse’s roof is made up of glass and so is the wall separating it from the balcony. There are pots and pots of flowers: lilies, primroses, and flowering maples atop the tables and geraniums, orchids, and cacti hanging down from the racks and ceiling. There is a hammock hanging outside and a long couch in the middle of the room, complete with a few coffee tables and a coffee maker atop one of them.

Your stride is slow, and your mouth is hanging open. It’s about a minute later that you snap out of it and turn to Jihoon in disbelief. “I made this? I mean… not like made, but you know…”

He chuckles, the sound pulling at the edge of your lips. “You did.”

You scoff, still in disbelief. “I… I always wanted this”—you gesture around the room, amazement clearly written on your eyes—“a library of my own. A mini garden. I… I made it.”

But then your thought catches up with your amazement. And you wonder why Jihoon has said ‘haven’. It is heaven-like, yes, but why a haven? You were about to voice your wonder when Jihoon asks, “Food, sleep, or shower?”

Your train of thought is cut short. “Uh? Shower, I guess. I don’t feel like eating, and I’ll sleep after.”

“Alright. I’ll be in the studio. I need to send whatever I have and check my emails for a bit. Do you want me to-uh-show you the way again or…” he uncertainly asks.

“Oh. No, I’ll manage. Thank you.” You turn around and walk away with a blaring ache inside your chest. You were hoping to explore the room, but Jihoon didn’t give you the chance. He has dismissed you just like that. And as you exit the place, you think you understand why it is called a haven. Now with bitterness and heaviness on the forefront of your mind, your first instinct is to go back inside and mend your heart with beautiful words and flowers. But you are denied that luxury.

You wonder whether you feel burdened because you forget or because you don’t forget enough. Then you walk down the stairs deliberately slow, your good hand holding onto the railing like your brain to the sound of Jihoon’s chuckles and your heart to his smile. And you decide that you’re indecisive.

You halt your step once you are in front of the master room’s door, your heart pumping too quickly for your liking. It is just a room, you try to reassure yourself. But you know it is not true. You place your hand on the door with a slight push, and it opens with the impact. It is not locked.

It is just a room.

You sigh and make your way to the closet. You refuse to walk around and go straight to the closet, half of which is full of your clothes and the other half Jihoon’s. Standing in front of it, Jihoon’s familiar scent wafting from inside the closet, you feel incredibly lonely. You miss him. And you feel new tears start forming in your eyes.

You grab a random pair of clothes and walk to the bathroom with something a little like a purpose. Compared to a garden and books, a long, hot shower can only amount to so much. But you figure it will be good enough for your impending tears.

Jihoon enters his home studio with a heavy step.

Now that you are awake, he has to deal with the mess he left the company in. It is frustrating, but to be completely honest, Jihoon is quite relieved to have a valid reason to get away from you. It is cruel, he knows. But the whole situation is killing him. He doesn’t know what to do or how to act around you. All with the remorse weighing down his chest and the growing doubt in his head. The thought of you regretting what both of you have becomes a constant ghost that haunts his waking hours. And his work is the only thing that can lock that ghost away, even for a mere moment.

Without him realizing it, he’s been working for hours straight. It’s not a surprise, really. This is how things always go. Hours are forgotten. You are forgotten. But once his computer is shut down, there the ghost of you is, alive as ever.

Jihoon rises from his chair with a long sigh. It is night time already. Jihoon was planning to make you some food on his way out, but the house is dark and silent. And another bitter thought slips inside his head. So this is how it’s like to be in the house without you. Or the you that’s his wife. He walks to the lamp switch with a sad smile. A simple thing like the turning on the lamps—of course, he would take that, too, for granted.

He enters his equally dark room only to see you sleeping on the right side of the bed—your side of the bed. He skips the light in the fear of waking you up and makes his way to tuck you inside your comforter and sit near you. He brushes away the hair that falls on your face and kisses your forehead gently. He watches your sleeping figure for a while before he grabs his pillow and takes a blanket out of the closet for him to sleep on the couch.

In the middle of the night, you drift off your sleep, grasping for him. But when your hand is only met with emptiness, you bolt up crying. The feeling is as painful as it is familiar. And you unknowingly look for his pillow to hold instead, an action you’ve done so many times it’s become second nature to you. But when you find nothing, another grain of hope is lost again. And you curl up and cry yourself to sleep, hoping Jihoon is willing to meet you in your dream, at the very least.

Morning arrives faster than it did in the hospital. You go out to the living room and see a pillow and blanket on the couch.

“Morning. I don’t think you’re allowed caffeine, so here’s some milk. I was going to send this to the room.”

You ignore his greeting and ask him instead, “Is this where you were last night?”

Jihoon is slightly surprised by the question, pausing on his action of placing your glass of milk and his cup of coffee on the table. “Uh, yeah. I don’t want it to be awkward for you, you know.”

You frown in confusion. You don’t understand why he can’t just act the way he usually does. You shake your head and say, “You don’t have to. I want you to stay. With me.” You look at him with determination. You can clearly see his uncertainty, and you falter. So you add, “If… if that’s okay with you. I mean.”

“Of course! Of course, it’s okay.”

And of course, since you dread the night as much as Jihoon does, it comes earlier than you both expect it to be. You have been spending time with Seungkwan, Seokmin, and Soonyoung while Jihoon was catching up with work in his home studio, only coming out of it for lunch and now dinner.

The trio fills most of the silence, that’s their specialty. The cluttering of dishes is drowned by their laughter and banters. That’s why when each one of them comes to you to bid their goodbye, you panic—well, inwardly. You figure Jihoon will go back to his studio, so you linger on the door, waving to the air that was BooSeokSoon. You are expecting to hear him excusing himself, and that’s exactly what he says when he opens his mouth. “Come inside, it’s cold. I’m going back upstairs.”

“Don’t,” you mutter as you close the door. “Stay? Please?”

He looks at you for a second too long while you squirm, waiting for his response. “Sure.”

Both of you are sitting rod straight on the couch, feeling so far away from each other than the couch itself allows. Silence, again. Your eyes are on the big TV in front of you, but you are only seeing the tap tap tap of Jihoon’s fingers on his thigh. Halfway through the movie you don’t remember choosing, you say, “D-do you want to go to bed?”

Your eyes are still on the screen when he answers, “If that’s what you want.”

You nod shortly. His passiveness is getting into you, and once again you want to scream. But you hold back and give him a tight smile instead.

Jihoon clenches his fist so that his fingers won’t nervously tap on any surface they land. He is nervous, uneasy, jittery, antsy, and all of those things. So far, he’s been limiting his words, appearance, and contact when it comes to you. Only that way does he can survive. He can’t possibly talk to you without wanting to call you baby, look at you without wanting to kiss you, or touch you without wanting to pull you into his arms. He can’t possibly voice his wants, not when you forget or seem to regret—not with his regrets. But then you asked him to stay with you, twice. And his pitiful heart soars with hope.

Only to free fall without a parachute.

Jihoon walks out of the shower to you positioning yourself on your side of the bed, facing away from him. Oh Lord, is he disappointed. He is unmoving on his place, watching you. Your breathing is even, so you must be sleeping already. With slow steps, Jihoon nears the bed to grab his pillow and walk to the door. But before he opens the door, you turn on your back and call his name, “Jihoon? Where are you going?”

He drops his hand from the door handle but doesn’t turn around. And when he sneaks a glance at you, you’re already sitting at the edge of the bed, rubbing at your tired eyes. “You seem… uncomfortable.”

“Yes,” you answer right away, and his face falls. He’s expected that answer, but he didn’t imagine the hurt to be like this. He was about to turn away when you continue, “From my left shoulder.”

“Oh.” And he feels like laughing.

“Want to switch side for a bit?”

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pyrofleurs · 5 years ago

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i turn 23 in a month and had a small crisis about being an adult so i wrote about it

fair warning, this is p corny and questionably written but when i finished it i was like, hey, i feel like i did a pretty good job articulating my feelings, it would be cool if i had some sort of blog platform to post this on, and then i was like oh god i guess i do have a blog and this is it. so, here it is. i’d say its kind of in the same vein as that 2018 year in review rambling essay i wrote back in january lol. enjoy??

I am 22 years old. In exactly one month, I turn 23. The number 23 is a bit of a gross one to me, both because it seems uneven and messy, and because it's the first year in which by age alone, I could not pass for a college student to some rando who happens to look at my driver's license and see that I was born in 1996. At 23, it is undisputable that the numbers show that I am a "true adult", which is terrifying, because it implies to the general public that I am no longer deciding what to do with my life. It implies that I know by now.

Even if I don’t quite see myself as a “real adult” yet (and it seems like most people never really do), I still have to make decisions that will impact my life years down the line, all the way till I'm 30 years older and looking back, and then even more. To me, this is what is so terrifying. I look ahead in my mental map and see tens of hundreds of possibilities, all different ways that my life could pan out. But the longer I wait, the longer I put off any number of big decisions, the harder it can be to attain them. Is that actually true? Honestly, I have no idea. There is no shame in starting late, whenever that may be. But right now, I have the opportunity to start building my life at the "ideal time", according to advice blogs and my parents and my college career center, so I should probably take it.

So, I wrote down three ways my life could potentially pan out in the next 10 years, at least in a career-oriented sense (I’ll spare you most of the details), and these are my observations:

The one thing that is constant in all three scenarios is that I am totally uncertain on how I feel about all of them. Rereading my (pretty ridiculous, if I’m being honest) paragraph-long debriefs on each career path, I say "I could", or "I would", or "I might". I could stay in my current role in a corporate job, but it's not my dream industry. I could work towards making my “passion projects” a full-time job, but I would sacrifice steady pay and healthcare benefits. I could get my masters degree in the industry I want, but I'd go into debt in what most likely will be the middle of an economic downturn.

My biggest fear is that I will be so afraid of any of these potential consequences that I will not commit to any of them. I am afraid I will run out of time.

I oscillate between "I'm only 22, I have plenty of time to figure things out", and "I'm 22, these are the years where I will make decisions that will affect the rest of my life, and I need to act accordingly right now". Am I wasting money by moving out? Am I going to wait too long to make a career change and end up stuck in a job I'm sick of? Am I going to pursue my master's degree and switch careers, giving up a steady job in the process, and graduate in the middle of a recession with massive student loan debt?

Do other 22 year olds think about this the way that I do? Will I look back on my 20s as a 30 year old and realize I wasted what could have been the best years of my life worrying? What about when I'm 40, thinking about my 30s? What about after that?

I'm always looking forward to what I want next, always grasping for accomplishments that are slightly out of reach, and I'm not exaggerating when I say this is what keeps me going. Part of me knows that I have goals I will never reach, but I love imagining the possibility anyways. I like to look ahead at what my life could be if, in a few years, I've met the goals that I've set for myself now.

But—why do I feel unable to start living my life right now? Why do I feel like my ideal life will only "truly" get going once I get a raise, once I get an agent, once I get a book deal, once I get a girlfriend? What am I missing out on, right now?

I suppose what I'm trying to say is this—I have always lived my life this way. I have a problem of looking at the big picture too much, but when I look back on my memories that burn the brightest, they're never of the "big things". Two moments from the past few months that stick in the back of my mind include going to a Capitals playoff game in April, and a Khalid concert in July. Both unplanned. One expensive, and one free. Both of these events I decided to go to the week of. I didn't plan them out at all. They were not included in my "big plan".

I didn't need a raise to enjoy either of these moments. The memories wouldn't have been sweeter knowing I had a book deal, or if I was in a steady relationship. I screamed and cheered, jumped up and down, chanted my favorite player's name in a 6-0 win, and went to bed with a sore throat. I sang along to beautiful music, some songs I barely knew and some I knew by heart. I soaked in the hazy technicolor atmosphere and ate popcorn until the kernels got stuck in my teeth and the salt melted into the sides of my cheeks. If I choose to stay at my current job instead of pursing my dream career, will those moments diminish? If I get my master's, will changing careers stop me from doing all the other things I love to do?

The answer, to these questions, at least, is no. Sometimes, my indecision hurts, as if I can feel my future slipping away as I painstakingly weigh one option over the other. I study budget spreadsheets and watch TED talks and read blog posts, craving direction as if there is one magical answer to it all, as if studying would help me get a passing grade, as if there was anybody actually administering a "test" to me in the first place.

I think at some point I just need to admit that I can, in fact, overprepare—or at least overthink. It is detrimental. When I studied in school, for AP exams and college finals, I could tell when I had studied enough. It would be 2am, and my eyes were glazing over. I couldn't take in any more of the information even if I tried. After a certain point, I had done all I could do in the moment. What I really needed was rest.

So, I think that's what I'll do. On one hand, I do need to be prepared. I don’t want to just wander aimlessly through my 20s, assuming that one day I'll just wake up and have some sort of ideal life I’ve always wanted. I actually need to get there, somehow. I can't be passive. But the best I can do is start moving forward, one day at a time, and accept that this is good enough. I can't skip ahead. I won't get some big flashing sign of validation that shows me that what I've chosen is the best possible path, meticulously selected and pursued out of every single outcome that I've ever calculated in my head. But I truly don't think it has to be. In every one of these timelines, I'll have good days and bad days. I'll have moments of victory and regret. But above all that, knowing that I took action and made deliberate decisions for myself will always be a stronger choice than hanging back and wasting time and feeling safe in my inaction. I'm afraid of change because the thought of failure is much more daunting than the thought of things staying the same. I just assume that future me will have it all figured out.

But, obviously, I am future me. And I am present me, and I am the shared and lived experiences of past me. And I've done pretty well so far, so there's no reason to think that all of a sudden I'll ruin my life just because the decisions I may make in the future are unfamiliar, or scary, or not what I thought they would be when I was 15 or 20 or even 22.

I think I do a pretty good job of taking care of future me. I have a plan—well, maybe too many plans. But I have ambitions, and goals, and I make time for others and also myself. It's a hard balancing act, as literally anyone would say. There's no reason to think that any one of the paths I've detailed out for myself would stop me from loving myself, my friends, my family, or a partner. It won't stop me from experiencing the moments that make me glow on good days or that drag me through the mud on other days, just to make it out okay on the other side. But above all, if I want to find out what actually happens 10 years from now, whether it’s one of the options I wrote out in detail or something I never could have imagined, I have to make one big decision, and that is to get up and go figure it the fuck out myself.

#please don/t r/b #if u have thoughts feel free to comment or send an ask tho!!#but this is both general and personal at the same time and id prefer it stay here as to not be taken out of context #bc even having a crisis abt my career path or w/e is still a privilege to have and rn its more of a feelings rant #than some sort of like. advice or something god forbid LOL #sam.txt

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wtfzodiacsigns · 6 years ago

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The Signs as how I know them

Aries: there’s no reasoning with you. you care for others so deeply, but you’re stubborn as all hell. that doesn’t stop you from giving your all to every situation you’re in. you’re a hard worker with a hard head but I still adore you. you can be a little irrational without knowing it and “I’m sorry” is not a favorable phrase for you.

Taurus: you’re incredibly smart. you know things that’s most people don’t and I truly don’t know where you get it. you love being the center of attention and being praised, but you’re very humble about it. you aren’t afraid of confrontation, and when you’re hurt, you show it in a quiet way. you feel guilty, but sometimes that guilt translates into anger. you’re stubborn and sometimes selfish, but you also have a sense to you that begs for attention.

Gemini: you are night and day. we get along for the most part, but when you’re mad, you go for the jugular. you don’t talk about your feelings a lot unless they’re the brunt of a joke. you’re unmotivated, especially when you’re deep in your sadness. but you still try to feel valid, yet have trouble getting there. it’s as if you’re at a constant conflict with yourself.

Cancer: you are a snake in sheep’s clothing, but it’s only because you’ve been hurt. despite that, you care so much. you would give everything, even the shirt off your back, if it meant helping the ones your care about. you have a small circle of people in your life sine you can’t trust many. you’re more judgmental than you realize. you will do anything you have to to get through your struggle, but you often lose yourself in your sadness.

Leo: you are hilarious. you don’t care what anyone thinks, at least on the outside. I never got close to who you are the inside. you never calmed down, you were always laughing and lightening the mood no matter how early or late. you are extremely loyal and a friend to anyone who needs it. you have a big heart and bug personality. family is important to you, and you have family everywhere whether blood or not. you could conquer the world if you wanted to, but you’re so chill I don’t think you ever would.

Virgo: everyone I’ve been closest to ever has been a Virgo. virgo..my wild crazy people. I have a bias for loving you all the most. you Virgos are crazy smart, so talented and gifted yet so unaware of your own power. you are such giving individuals, both practical and material, but special nonetheless. you can learn anything you want and you can excel at it so quickly it never ceases to impress me. you Virgos can sometimes be selfish, but without knowing really. sometimes you guys just get too caught up in your heads that the rest of the world stops.

Libra: ahhh so sweet just absolute sunshine. you care so much and you’re honestly such a cutie. you, however, don’t really know your identity quite yet, but you constantly search for it. even through your trials in life, you have this contagious and constant love to you. you always were ambitious and I always got excited planning things with you (even if those plans didn’t exactly come true)

Scorpio: you’re a hot mess. I truly don’t even know who you are. you were sometimes fun then sometimes a complete asshole. you confused me a lot and made me feel uneasy at times while also feeling super comfortable? you have this energy to you like everything has meaning to you while at the same time everything means nothing to you.

Sagittarius: two faced. you aren’t a bad person, you’re just not the person you acted like you actually are. you are loyal and easily hurt, but that hurt projects onto others. you can be insanely petty and hold on to things for super long. it’s as if your mentality can’t change, but it can grow. It always seemed there was just one version of you and that’s where it begins and ends.

Capricorn: I adore you. you are so you and so shameless about it. everything about you is hilariously poised. I love it. you were an amazing friend and we could talk for hours and hours. you kept things real and radiated confidence. you were super into your appearance and upkeep (especially your hair and nails) and everyone adored you like you were a magnet for happiness. you didn’t talk about you as much as you did others. I feel like you had a lot of emotions but didn’t know how to talk about them so you made a lot of jokes. I know you struggled a lot with figuring out your path but you eventually found it and I’m so happy for you.

Aquarius: you were my best friend. you were wild and addicted to life. sometimes you didn’t know what you wanted but you got stuff done. You’re a confrontational one, and you get easily offended, and you can certainly hold a grudge. still, you’re so fun and there was never a dull moment with you. you made life feel special and like something to look forward to. you, however, can be conniving, and I think that was because you were trying to figure yourself out. eventually you sought me out and apologized for what you did be it years later that you did LOL but I admire you for doing that after all the shit we went through

Pisces: B!TcH!!! Well I’m a Pisces so it’s hard not to go in on how stunning and horrible I am all at once, so I’ll speak on other Pisces I’ve known seeing as that’s the point. Pisces have no in between. It’s either WAY UP HERE or way down here. Pisces are unique in it that they know how to use their words to snake out of situations, they can be very manipulative. but, they’re some of the most compassionate and loving people even when they do fuck up. Pisces are massively indecisive and can often play the victim even when they’re at fault. despite that, they wield a certain creative love that boils over into something very compelling.

Source:isakkxeven

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capriquariustrology · 6 years ago

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General Sign Info

I started off my interest in astrology without even really ever knowing the basics of the signs. So, here, I have put together something about all of the signs.

Aries

March 21 - April 19

Element: Fire

Quality: Cardinal

Ruler: Mars

Symbol: Ram

Strengths: Courageous, determined, confident, enthusiastic, optimistic, honest, passionate

Weaknesses: Impatient, moody, short-tempered, impulsive, aggressive

Short description

Aries is one of the most active signs and are highly energetic. Aries lives in the fast lane and is highly competitive, always wanting to be first in everything. They are highly organized and will often be capable at quickly finishing tasks. This need for speed and race to the top can cause them to be impatient and act without thinking and be prone to stress, causing them to project their frustrations onto others. They also have a strong passion to achieve their goals and will utilize teamwork to make it happen.

Taurus

April 20 - May 20

Element: Earth

Quality: Fixed

Ruler: Venus

Symbol: Bull

Strengths: Reliable, patient, practical, devoted, responsible, stable

Weaknesses: Stubborn, possessive, uncompromising

Short description

Taurus is the most reliable sign of the zodiac, as they are very stable and conservative and will stick by their choices. This does, however, cause them to not like sudden changes and make them less likely to compromise. As an Earth sign, however, what is seen as stubbornness is viewed as commitment to a Taurus. Tauruses are also a romantic sign, desiring to be surrounded in love and beauty at all times. Despite being (at times) materialistic, overbearing or conservative, they make great friends, partners and employees/coworkers, as they are grounded, realistic, and will do whatever it takes to finish a project to their standards. They can also be the voice of reason in chaotic/unhealthy situations.

Gemini

May 21 - June 20

Element: Air

Quality: Mutable

Ruler: Mercury

Symbol: Twins

Strengths: Gentle, affectionate, curious, adaptable, quick learners

Weaknesses: Nervous, inconsistent, indecisive

Short description

Geminis are like two people in one. On one hand, they can be very sociable, fun-loving, and communicative, but they can suddenly turn serious, restless and thoughtful without warning. They are very inquisitive, curious and fascinated by the world around them to a point where 24 hours isn’t enough time in the day to really experience everything they want to. This desire to explore makes this sign prone to avoiding routines, as they feel confined by them. Geminis are incredibly creative and excel in writing and art, but their skill and flexibility also make them great athletes. A sun in Gemini tends to feel they are missing their other half and are always seeking new people to talk to.

Cancer

June 21 - July 22

Element: Water

Quality: Cardinal

Ruler: Moon

Symbol: Crab

Strengths: Tenacious, imaginative, loyal, emotional, sympathetic, persuasive

Weaknesses: Moody, pessimistic, suspicious, manipulative, insecure

Short description

Cancers are the most difficult type of person to get to know. They are incredibly sentimental, intuitive, caring, emotional and sensitive. What happens in their home matters greatly to them, which makes Cancers very nurturing parents. They enjoy being surrounded by a loving family in a harmonious home, and it is where they tend to feel most content. Their hearts are guided by emotion and often times they have no control over their emotions, resulting in mood swings. Cancers usually must be handled with care and understanding as they often don’t gain enough coping skills from the outside world as children, but they will give care and understanding in return. Lack of love and patience contributes to these mood swings, but can also cause the person to later in life become manipulative, self-pitying and selfish. Being born in Cancer grants the person loyalty and the ability to empathize with pain and suffering.

Leo

July 23 - August 22

Element: Fire

Quality: Fixed

Ruler: Sun

Symbol: Lion

Strengths: Creative, passionate, generous, warm-hearted, cheerful, humorous

Weaknesses: Arrogant, stubborn, self-centered, lazy, inflexible

Short description

Leos are natural born leaders and like to maintain a “king of the jungle” status. Leos are extremely difficult to resist, and tend to get what they want from life. They tend to be dramatic, self-confident, dominant, attractive, generous and loyal, causing them to have many friends and uniting many groups of people. Their sense of humor helps, as well. They are headstrong in the face of problems, love life and can always find time to laugh and enjoy themselves, all while in search of self-awareness and ego growth. They know what they want and are willing to do what it takes to get there, but sometimes, they will either neglect the needs of others or become heavily vulnerable themselves when their passions for achievement or status grow too strong.

Virgo

August 23 - September 22

Element: Earth

Quality: Mutable

Ruler: Mercury

Symbol: Woman/Goddess

Strengths: Loyal, analytical, kind, hardworking, practical

Weaknesses: Shy, anxious, overly-critical, workaholic

Short description

Virgos are the most careful of the zodiac signs. They are constantly paying attention to the little details and leave nothing to chance, and they often carry a deep sense of humanity. They often close off their hearts from the outer world, causing them to be easily and often mistaken for cold-hearted. In reality, Virgos are very tender and caring. They are able to express emotions, they just tend to reject their feelings as true, valid or relevant, especially when opposed to reason. Give a Virgo a little time and they may begin to open up. Virgos also enjoy organization and can keep defined borders on their goals even in the face of chaos. When the need for organization gets mixed with their attention to small details, Virgos tend to get caught up in small details and become overly-critical in areas others would not care about to ensure every detail is present.

Libra

September 23 - October 22

Element: Air

Quality: Cardinal

Ruler: Venus

Symbol: Scales

Strengths: Cooperative, diplomatic, gracious, fair-minded, social

Weaknesses: Indecisive, unconfrontational, carries grudges, self-pitying

Short description

Libras are peaceful, fair, and constantly on the chase for justice and equality, as those are most important to them are in the cores of their personalities. They are careful with what they say and avoid choosing sides at all costs because they prefer to avoid conflict and are natural born peacekeepers. When presented with ultimatums, they realize they are in the wrong place at the wrong time and may even walk away entirely. Being interested in balance and symmetry, Libras value partnership in which their partner mirrors them. Libras are also great lovers, but are also very fond of expensive materialistic objects.

Scorpio

October 23 - November 21

Element: Water

Quality: Fixed

Ruler: Pluto, Mars

Symbol: Scorpion

Strengths: Resourceful, brave, passionate, stubborn, true friend

Weaknesses: Distrusting, jealous, secretive, violent

Short description

Scorpios are great leaders, thorough in research, determined, decisive, assertive and passionate. They are also great leaders because they are dedicated to what they do. Scorpios don’t express their emotions like water signs and keep a cool-headed and mysterious appearance. Scorpios are very fierce as they know the rules of the universe quite well, and they tend to look older than they are. They also need more time to adapt to human behaviors due to their strong distaste for dishonesty and can usually be suspicious of others. This doesn’t change the bravery of a Scorpio, though, and they usually have a lot of friends.

Sagittarius

November 22 - December 21

Element: Fire

Quality: Mutable

Ruler: Jupiter

Symbol: Archer

Strengths: Generous, idealistic, great sense of humor

Weaknesses: Impatient, promises more than they can deliver, lacks a speech filter

Short description

Sagittariuses are the most adventurous of the signs as they are the biggest travelers, and this is fueled by their curious and energetic personalities. They value freedom and enjoy traveling different philosophies and cultures, and this is made possible by their open-mindedness. Sagittariuses are typically extroverted, optimistic, enthusiastic and love change. They are highly capable of transforming their thoughts and ideas into concrete actions, but this can sometimes get them in trouble as they usually become impatient and tactless when it comes to saying or doing something. They have to be careful when it comes to expressing ideas and do so in a socially acceptable way. However, they are very enthusiastic and have a great sense of curiosity and humor.

Capricorn

December 22 - January 19

Element: Earth

Quality: Cardinal

Ruler: Saturn

Symbol: Sea-goat

Strengths: Responsible, disciplined, self-controlled, has good manners

Weaknesses: Know-it-all, unforgiving, condescending, expects the worst

Short description

Capricorns are masters of self-control and are often very serious and traditional in nature. They make great progress in both their personal and professional lives due to their strong sense of independence and responsibility. They are able to focus on the material world and make the most of it by utilizing their experience and expertise to get to the top. They are highly ambitious to make it to the top almost to a point of being a workaholic by nature. Capricorns can be too stubborn to change perspectives or move from a point in a relationship to another. Sometimes, Capricorns may get so caught up in their beliefs and traditional values that they may try to impose them on others. While being practical and responsible, Capricorns can be cold, distant, unforgiving, stuck in the past and in a fairly constant state of guilt. They often need to learn to forgive and live in the moment to make their lives lighter and more positive.

Aquarius

January 20 - February 2018

Element: Air

Quality: Fixed

Ruler: Uranus, Saturn

Symbol: Water-bearer

Strengths: Progressive, original, independent, humanitarian

Weaknesses: Runs from emotional expression, temperamental, uncompromising, aloof

Short description

Aquarius are highly intellectual deep thinkers and humanitarians, whether they appear shy and quiet or eccentric and energetic. To the Aquarius, the world is full of possibilities and can stand on truly neutral ground without any prejudice toward either side, making them great problem solvers. This view of the world also gives them great insight on what they want to do in the future even as far as 10 years into it. Aquariuses tend to feel good in groups or communities and will strive to be surrounded by others and are able to adapt quickly to their surrounding energy, but also hold a deep need to have some alone time to restore power. Aquariuses are afraid of premature intimacy, so they may come off as cold, insensitive, timid or possibly even aggressive at first as a coping mechanism. Also, their minds need constant mental stimulation to avoid boredom and a lack of motivation, and they will often strive for freedom as much as possible to avoid any feelings of limitation or constraint, as these feelings are a big problem for Aquariuses.

Pisces

February 19 - March 20

Element: Water

Quality: Mutable

Ruler: Neptune, Jupiter

Symbol: Fish

Strengths: Compassionate, artistic, intuitive, gentle, wise, musical

Weaknesses: Fearful, overly-trusting, sad, desires to escape reality, victim/martyr

Short description

Pisces are total humanitarians and are willing to help others with no expectations or hopes to get anything back. As a water sign, Pisces is characterized by its empathy and emotional capacity. Pisces will also find themselves around a wide variety of different people due to their friendliness. They are very forgiving and aren’t judgmental, and are even considered the most tolerant of the signs. They have the best emotional understanding of others, have an intuitive understanding of the life cycle, are very wise, has artistic talent and are able to express musical preferences at a young age. However, at times, Pisces will play the victim or become the martyr for attention.

(source)

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