#hell I decided to test this shit out myself cause duh

[cherrysnax]

I realized after typing like 200 words that the anon was probably just trying to be a dick and didn’t actually need help finding new stuff. But I did make a little incomprehensible “”tips n tricks”” to finding new stuff to get into when it’s hard

so one thing that I didn’t say clear enough last time is that it’s not abt watching some things less it’s abt adding more if that makes sense. like for me I like uhhh code lyoko more than a normal amount.

I don’t like it for one single reason but if I absolutely had to choose a thing to try and pinpoint it’s probably shit like the ensemble cast, the hero/double life aspect, the surprisingly dark tone, the sci-fi/drama genres, nd the monster of the week style. if I wanted to find a new show or comic or whatever I’d likely just. search up “shows about x “ “comic with x” “sci fi drama shows” etc

I also recommend tv tropes! sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint what u like abt something, and tv tropes can def help identify tropes, writing devices, plot points etc. it can also just help u find new media lol

for example I really like mlp:fim, unfortunately the other gens do nothing for me. after thinking abt it what I love abt fim (specifically the first three seasons) is the ensemble cast, the art direction, the mixture of both mundane and fantasy, the magic system, the fun world building, and the character focused writing style vs focusing on a big plot (for the most part)

the first thing that comes to mind is witch hat atelier, a manga about a young girl obsessed with magic accidentally on purpose becoming a witch herself and slowly uncovering the conspiracies of witch society while also getting to know other young witches and her mysterious new teacher. her relationships with her fellow witches in the atelier are some of my fav parts abt the manga, however the thing that really sealed the deal are it’s art direction, magic system, world building

From there I can go even further; and this is going to be really funny. when I think something like wha, the first thing that comes to mind is part one naruto! but this doesn’t seem helpful unless u already know what u like right? wrong! that’s where Google and tv tropes come in!

Nother thing I recommend, if ur not getting the shit u want outta the media u like, sometimes it’s okay to step away from it for a little bit. naruto shippuden will never have the ending that satisfies you specifically but maybe just maybe ur hurt no comfort narusasu fanfic can lead u to giovannis room or shit it might lead u to challengers.

maybe challengers will lead u to castlevania and maybe castlevania will lead u to interview with a vampire which can lead u to Disney channel original my baby sitters a vampire or hell it could even lead u to bram stokers dracula

The thing that got lost in my last post I think was that it wasn’t abt never never never watching shit for babies because “uhhh it’s for kids” it’s more abt the fact that u can miss out on soooo many stories and so many expirences thru so many different ppls eyes n shit

idk if u like little Einsteins your prob gonna like doctor who

if u like idk zooftopia u might like beaststars or sly cooper (play sly cooper… but watch out! the racism…)

If u like inspectors gadget u might like fucking columbo or macgyver

a lot of people argue that kid shows are the only shows with lessons and morals and I disagree. U can learn something from everything I think it’s good to intake a lot of different things 😳😳

Now on god if another motherfuck twist my words I’m gonna shit myself

thinking about the nigga on anon who got really mad I couldn’t rec them shit that wasn’t cartoons because I had no idea who they were and what they liked to watch.. good times

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers VANDEAD CARNIVAL ;; Present from Sakamaki [PART 1]

��� The scene starts in the classroom

Health committee member (1): ーー There we go. That should conclude the check-up.

Yui: Thank you. Phew...

( Hm...I wonder if it’s because I’ve been having my blood sucked, but my weight has gone down a little. )

( I don’t know whether I should be happy or sad...It’s a complicated feeling. )

Health committee member: Is something the matter?

Yui: Ah, no. This is my health report card.

Health committee member: Yes, thank you very much. (2) ーー Ah.

Yui: ...? Is something wrong?

Health committee member: Oh no, that’s not it.

Here...Your date of birth. It’s your birthday tomorrow, isn’t it?

Yui: Ah, now that you mention it...

Health committee member: I’m one day early, but congratulations!

Yui: ( I honestly didn’t think I’d have anyone congratulate me for my birthday after moving to this city. )

Thank you very much. I’m so haーー

*Rattle*

Laito: Nfu, Bitch-chan~! Laito-kun’s here to pick you up~!

Yui: Laito-kun...!

Kanato: You’re late. What were you doing? You really are such a slowpoke.

Yui: K-Kanato-kun as well...

I’m sorry for keeping you guys waiting. The examination has finished already so let’s go.

Laito: By the way, Bitch-chan~? What did you hand over to the lady just now~? 

*Flip*

Health committee member: Eh? Ahーー!

Yui: L-Laito-kun! Y-You can’t!

Laito: Aah~ Right, they took body measurements today, no?

Yui: I’m begging you, don’t look...!

Laito: Hm...? Oh dear, oh dear, what do we have here...? I see...~ 

Yui: Geez, Laito-kun...!

*Flip*

Laito: Well, I’m not really interested in this stuff so I’ll be nice and hand it back. More importantly, let’s hurry back home.

Yui: ( Thank god. He handed it back right away... )

U-Um...By the way, where’s Ayato-kun?

Laito: The・truth・is...~ He got such a bad grade on his test this morning. 

So he got called over to the faculty room~

*Rattle*

Ayato: ...The fuck?

Laito: Ah, well done getting through the teachers’ scolding~! We were just talking about you.

Ayato: Che...The fuck’s their problem? They kept on naggin’ at me just ‘cause I didn’t get the best score.

Kanato: You reap what you sow. If only you were intelligent like we are, you poor thing.

Ayato: Aah!? You two aren’t much better, are you!?

Laito: Eh~~? We’re not on your level.

Kanato: You had a single-digit number, right? Please do not group us together.

Ayato: Che...

Yui: U-Um, Ayato-kun. Please don’t beat yourself up over it...

Ayato: Fuck off! Come on, Chichinashi. We’re goin’ home already!!

Yui: Y-Yeah...!

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the limousine

Reiji: Haah...Because of you lot, we are running horribly late.

Yui: ( Uu...I’m pretty sure I informed him of today’s physical examination before we left for school today though... )

Reiji: For one, people such as you lot who fail to stick to a time schedule on a regular basis, will surely experience problems in your daily life as weーー

*Rustle*

Ayato: Oi, Chichinashi. Give me your blood once we get home, ‘kay?

This irritated feelin’ is makin’ me thirsty, so I’ll suck you plenty.

Kanato: Could you not just decide that by yourself?

I am just as irritated because you kept us waiting.

I will be sucking her blood first once we get home. Right, Teddy...?

Ayato: Ah? Excuse me...?

Laito: Nfu~ Bitch-chan’s blood, how nice. I’m hungry as well, so why don’t we equally split it amongst us three?

Reiji: ...Haah...I wonder how I got stuck with a bunch of stubborn fools who refuse to listen to what someone is saying...

Shuu: ...

Reiji: ...That being said, I suppose they are still better than the guy who falls asleep before he can even listen at all...

This good-for-nothing...!

Yui: ( R-Reiji-san... )

I-I’m sorry. It’s my fault we were running late. We had a physical check-up today and...

Since I’ve been a little anemic, it took slightly longer than I expected...

Subaru: Hm? ...Oi, have you really been feelin’ anemic?

Yui: Yeah...

( Could he be worried about me...? )

Subaru: I don’t give a damn ‘bout what happens to you...But it’d suck if you’d run dry of blood. Make sure that stuff gets replenished, ‘kay?

Yui: R-Right...

Reiji: Exactly. Your blood is the only value you hold after all.

Yui: ( Of course. That’s all I’m good for to them. )

( What made me think they’d be worried about me...? )

( I should know that already but...For some reason, it makes me a little sad. )

Laito: ...Nfu~

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to Yui’s bedroom

Yui: Phew...Somehow I’m really exhausted today...

Tomorrow’s a free day, so I’ll hit the hay early and spend some nice, quiet time.

*Rustle*

Yui: ( Tomorrow’s my birthday, huh...? I wonder if I’ll be able to head out somewhere...? )

ー The scene shifts to the living room

Laito: Attention please~! Thank you all for gathering here on this fine evening~!

Ayato: ...Geez, what do you suddenly want? I was thinkin’ of droppin’ by Chichinashi’s room for a sip of blood.

Kanato: My poor Teddy had his snacks stolen by Laito, you know...!? I won’t forgive you if you made me come here for nothing!!

Subaru: Che...

Shuu: ...Pwaah...Sleepy.

Reiji: ...Now this is unexpected. I did not think you and Subaru would show up as well.

Shuu: No...I was already taking a nap here when you guys just started gathering one after the other.

Laito: Nfu~ I plotted this get-together immaculately, no~?

Reiji: ...I suppose one could say you used your brain for once, Laito.

ーー So, what is this about? Please stop beating around the bush, and explain to us what is going on.

Subaru: It better not be some bullshit or you’re not gettin’ away with it!

Laito: Hm~ Thank you for your typical input, Subaru-kun~ However, I’m pretty sure you’re going to love hearing about this?

Kanato: What do you have to tell us then!?

Laito: You see, it happens to be Bitch-chan’s birthday tomorrow~

Ayato: Ah? Birthday?

Laito: Yes, exactly!

So...I figured we would all throw a surprise birthday party for her!

Subaru: Ah!? Who in their right mind would waste their fuckin’ time on somethin’ so ridiculous!?

Laito: Oh come on~ I mean, she’s always giving us her delicious blood, no?

Ayato: ‘Giving’, my ass! It belongs to me either way.

Laito: Relax! That’s not what matters right now!

I don’t think it would hurt to show our gratitude and do something in return for once though~

Kanato: Surprise birthday party...

Ayato: Keh. Why do we have to show our gratitude? She’s our prey!

Laito: Eeeh~~~? I thought it’d be fun though. I mean, if none of you are up for it, I guess I’ll drop the ideaー

Don’t you think you’d get to indulge in plenty of takoyaki or sweets? It is a birthday party after all.

Ayato: ...

Kanato: ...

Laito: But well, seems like I’m out of luck, so I suppose I’ll have to give up~

Kanato: Please wait. I cannot possibly turn down an opportunity to eat sweets.

Ayato: I’m in too! Let’s prepare a whole mountain of takoyaki and throw this party!!

Laito: Nfu...~ Now that’s sounding more like a proper celebration.

Reiji: Haah...I feel ashamed having to call those three my brothers...

Shuu: ...Who cares. Just do as you please...

Ayato: Stop complainin’ if you’re not even gonna join in. That only means there will be more food for me, so don’t even bother showin’ up!

Kanato: Agreed. You won’t join either, Subaru?

Subaru: No way in hell I’m botherin’ with that annoyin’ crap!

Laito: Hm~ I would have loved it if we could all participate though. You’re skipping out as well, Reiji?

Reiji: Well, under normal circumstances, I would never consider taking part in such nonsense. Howeverーー

It cannot be denied that she has been donating her blood to us.

Furthermore, I cannot see things ending well if the three of you combine forces. 

Worst-case scenario, the whole manor will be blown into the air...Which would be highly troublesome, so I shall participate to keep an eye on things.

Ayato: Keh, there you go talkin’ shit ‘bout us again.

Laito: Well, I guess the four of us will celebrate Bitch-chan’s birthday together then.

Reiji: Halt. Do you truly believe that I can supervise all three of you just by myself?

Laito: I’m pretty sure we don’t need someone keeping an eye on us though~? 

Reiji: I am not that naive to fall for those words.

I am using my veto to impose mandatory participation on every member of this household, understood?

Subaru: Haah!? What gives you the right to do that!?

Reiji: Do you have any idea how much I look after all of you on a daily basis? 

Subaru: Aah!? Fuck do I know!? Besides, we never asked you to do that shit, nor do we actively try and trouble you!? 

Reiji: I suppose those being looked after do not realize how privileged they are themselves. ...That good-for-nothing over there is a prime example of that.

Shuu: ...

Reiji: Better be safe than sorry. You shall participate to protect the manor.

Shuu: Ahー ...What a drag. Fine, so just shut up already...

Reiji: Very well. Well then, Subaru. You will join in as well, no?

Subaru: Hell no.

Laito: Oh come on, why not~? You should join the fun as well. It’s not like you get the chance every day? Right?

If you continue to be stubbornー...

Nfu~ We’ll hold the party over at your room, okay?

Subaru: Haah!? No fuckin’ way!!

Laito: Perfect! That means everyone’s in!

Subaru: Oi!! Don’t make that choice for me!

Laito: Eeh~~? But then we’ll throw the party in your room though? Are you fine with that?

Ayato: Actually, didn’t you lose your temper the other day and busted another hole through the wall?

Shuu: Haha...Taking a nap while enjoying the night breeze honestly isn’t that bad though...

Subaru: ...Don’t come here to sleep...

...Fuck...! You guys better don’t make me do all of the shitty tasks!

Reiji: Well then, I suppose that wraps up this discussion. As for what we need to prepare, the obvious things would be...

Ayato: Takoyaki, duh!

Kanato: I want to eat a cake covered in whipped cream with a bunch of large strawberries on top!

Reiji: Those are the things you guys want to eat, no? We should at least try and consider what she likes.

Ayato: Ah? What are you sayin’? We’re already doin’ plenty by celebrating her birthday, no?

Laito: They say it’s the sentiment which counts, right?

Reiji: Guh...I am baffled to hear something sensical come from you lot’s mouths for once.

Kanato: So, what exactly do I need to do to get my strawberry cake?

Subaru: ...Aren’t we kind of missin’ the point now?

Laito: Oh well, wasn’t there this one important guy who said that participating is more important than winning?

...That being said, let’s go shopping for all the foods we want to eat!

Kanato: I don’t mind if you go buy it for me, but it better be delicious.

Subaru: Then go buy it yourself!

Kanato: Me? Going grocery shopping? Why would I bother doing something so troublesoーー

Right...In one of the books I read in the past, it said that a birthday cake is best when homemade.

I can put on as much whipped cream as I like, before decorating it with a bunch of strawberries...Fufu, my own exclusive cake.

Haah...Just imagining it is making my mouth water...I’ve decided. I will make a delicious cake.

Reiji: Not in my book.

Kanato: Why do I need your permission? I decided I will make it, so it’s already settled.

Ayato: Oh, sounds kinda interestin’! In that case, I’m gonna try my hand at some homemade takoyaki as well!

Reiji: You make it sound so easy...Do you truly believe you can pull it off?

Shuu: Haah. This situation is steadily going downhill...

Laito: Nfu~ Homemade, huh? It’s starting to sound more and more like a real birthday party.

Reiji: Laito, why are you pretending as if you take no responsibility in this?

You are the one who brought up the idea in the first place, so you should make sure things are kept in check.

Laito: Eh~~~? But that’s what you’re here for, no?

Ayato: ...So, what else needs to get done?

Kanato: You aren’t thinking of making us do all the work, right?

Reiji: Of course. For one...

I have yet to hear of a birthday party with only takoyaki and a cake.

Ayato: Haah? What’s so bad about that?

Reiji: It is a day on which humans celebrate their very short life, so do you not believe there should be a diverse, luxurious buffet as you would see at evening galas or dinner banquets?

Kanato: I do remember how noisy those evening parties would be. However, I am not interested in anything besides the cake.

Reiji: ...Haah, you are only thinking of your own gain. Truly what one would expect from you lot.

Ayato: I mean, I doubt Chichinashi will enjoy it, unless we’re having fun as well!

Subaru: Che...Ridiculous...

Reiji: Good grief...I suppose I have no other choice. In that case, I shall be in charge of making the main course...

Laito: In that case, I’ll help out Ayato-kun~ Making takoyaki sounds kind of fun, to be honest.

Shuu: Pwaaah~ ...Doesn’t seem like there’s anything I need to do...

Reiji: You shall keep an eye on her to ensure she does not leave her room.

It is a trivial task, perfect for someone like you, no?

Shuu: ...Che...What a chore...

Subaru: Haah, whatever.

Reiji: Subaru, you will be doing your fair share as well.

Subaru: Haah!?

Reiji: Do you truly believe I can trust Kanato by himself in the kitchen? Make sure to keep an eye on him.

Subaru: Why me!?

Reiji: Since you are the only one still left without a task, obviously?

I expect you to put your life on the line to ensure the kitchen does not go up in flames.

Subaru: Annoyin’...

Laito: Okaay~! Well then everyone, off we go! (3)

*TIMESKIP*

Ayato: Oi, Reiji! Step back! I gotta be the one walkin’ in front!

Reiji: Pipe down, Ayato.

Kanato: Good grief...I cannot stand all this noise. Say, you feel so too, don’t you, Teddy...?

Subaru: We’re not lil’ children anymore, so wouldn’t it have been better if just one of us did the shoppin’ by themselves...?

Laito: Oh come on, don’t you think it’s fun to all go grocery shopping together for once~?

Subaru: ...Che. Don’t talk to me as if we’re buds.

Reiji: ...Hm? Everyone, wait one second.

I cannot see Shuu anywhere around?

Subaru: Haah? Who cares? He’s probably snoozin’ again somewhere.

Reiji: Good grief...Here I thought he was actually joining without any protests for once, but there he goes acting off his own accord again...Truly infuriating.

Even though we have to ensure we are back at the manor by the time she wakes upーー

Ayato: Oh! They’ve got a takoyaki grill! Laito! Let’s go check it out!

Laito: Huh~? But don’t we already have one of those?

Ayato: Ah? Like I know where to find that thing. It’d be too much trouble lookin’ for it.

Laito: Good point! Let’s go have a look then!

ー The two of them enter a store

Reiji: Ah, halt! We should stick to the planning and only visit the necessary stoーー

Kanato: I simply cannot spend another minute with this rowdy bunch.

I will go my own way, so come look for me if you need me.

ー Kanato leaves as well

Reiji: Hey! Where are you going, Kanato!? I will not let this selfish behavior slide!

Haah...

Shuu: Pwaah...Like this, I can’t relax no matter where I go...

Reiji: You good-for-nothing...You shamelessly come walking up to me and that’s the first thing you say...?

Shuu: Nn...I’ll be over on that bench over there, so just come wake me up once you’re done shopping...

Reiji: At this point, your laziness has surpassed the point of being disappointing, it almost feels refreshing.

Shuu: Thanks for the compliment...Sleepy...

ー Shuu steps away

Reiji: It honestly is not even worth insulting him...

Subaru: Haah...The fuck is this farce? I want to go back home...

*SCENE SHIFT*

Ayato: Oi, Laito! Do you know what ingredients we need to make takoyaki?

Laito: It’s called takoyaki, so octopus is a given, right?

Ayato: I know that much as well!

But I want to make takoyaki like nobody has ever tasted before!

I’m gonna make so many of them, they’ll pile up all the way to the ceiling!

Laito: Nfu~ Sounds like something you would do. In that case, we need to stock up on plenty of ingredients.

Ayato: Yeah! We’ve got plenty of people with us to carry the bags!

Laito: If we’re going through the trouble of making them, it’d be a little dull to stick to normal takoyaki, right? ...Ah, how about this?

Ayato: Wasabi? Whatcha gonna do with that?

Laito: Fufufu, that’s something to look forward to at the party.

Ayato: ...This and these, also those over there...

Laito: Let’s put them all in our basket! I’m so excited, nfu~

*SCENE SHIFT*

Reiji: Honestly those triplets, always doing as they please...

Subaru, wait right here. I will go call them.

Subaru: Haah!? Why do I have to...Wait, oi!

ー Reiji leaves

Subaru: ...Haah. This grocery run is fucked up.

Shuu: ...

Subaru: This guy is seriously out here snoozin’...

Shuu: ...Shut up. I’m still awake.

Subaru: The fuck!? You’re actually awake...

Shuu: Haah...I just don’t want to move because it’s too much of a chore...

Subaru: Then why did you even join us in the first place...

Shuu: I could ask you the exact same thing...Pwaah...

Subaru: ...Che.

ー Subaru starts walking away

Shuu: ...Oh? Going home?

Subaru: Shut up. Leave me alone.

ー Subaru leaves

Shuu: ...

*SCENE SHIFT*

Subaru: ...

Kanato: Aah, as if on cue. Subaru.

Subaru: Che, goin’ home now after he said that just doesn’t sit right with me...

Kanato: Subaru.

Subaru: That bein’ said, I don’t want to just have to stand there and play supervisor either. I’m goin’ home because I want to.

Kanato: Subaru!

*Rustle*

Subaru: Ow, the fuck you doin’, bastard!?

Kanato: How many times do I have to call you before you come? Are those ears there just for decoration?

Subaru: Ah? I filter out that annoyin’ voice of yours.

So, what do you want?

Kanato: I’ve settled on the ingredients I want for the cake. Please carry the basket and follow me.

Subaru: Haah!? Why do I have to act as your personal carrier!? I was just ‘bout to head home!!

Kanato: What are you saying? The two of us are in charge of preparing the cake together, so it only makes sense for you to help out, no?

Subaru: You’re the one who wants to make that damn thing, aren’t you? Then shouldn’t you be carrying the basket yourself?

Kanato: I’m already holding Teddy. How am I supposed to do that?

Subaru: Aah!? I’m gonna punch you, you bastard!

Kanato: Punch me? You’ll ignore my request and hit me...? Even though you’re the one just standing around there, doing absolutely nothing?

Yet you trample all over my generous attempts to try and help you be useful...Who do you think you are!?

If you fail to understand that, then why don’t you punch yourself on the head instead? Come on, hurry up and do it!

Subaru: Haah...Shut up. Ahー Fine! I just have to carry your stuff, right?

Kanato: Hmph. ...You should have just done so from the very start. Right, Teddy...?

Subaru: Fuck off! I’m comin’ so shut up and show me the way!

Kanato: Fufu, it’s this way.

Subaru: Honestly...I seriously should have never tagged along...Fuck.

*SCENE SHIFT*

Reiji: ...That’s...

Subaru: ...

Reiji: Subaru. Why are you here?

Did I not tell you to wait by that bench over there earlier?

Subaru: Ah, geez! Stop naggin’ at me this whole time! I can go wherever I want!

Reiji: Do you not think you are at fault for not simply saying no earlier? Honestly, it’s always the youngest ones that cause trouble...

Subaru: Oi, you jerk. What didya say just now!?

Reiji: I only stated the truth. So, why are you on the move?

I gave you that task because I figured you would not want to have to walk around.

Take a look! I have brought Ayato and Laito along with me.

Ayato: Ah? 

Laito: Nfu~ You’re talking about us as if we’re your luggage~

Subaru: Not my fault! I’m not doin’ this ‘cause I want to! If you want to complain, then complain to Kanato instead!

Kanato: We’re going to buy the ingredients for the cake. You really are the very definition of a creep, trying to track my every move.

Reiji: ...

Ayato: Oi, Four-Eyes. I know what I wanna buy so gimme some cash.

Reiji: You sure have some nerve to ask me for money after you have been doing nothing but acting selfishly this whole time. Do you really think you can get away with that!?

Ayato: Ah? Why are you snappin’ at me? You’re such a cheapskate.

Kanato: Exactly. Why do you not try and keep your calm a little?

Laito: Nfu~ Perhaps you’re running a little low on calcium~? (4)

Reiji: ...

Subaru: ...

Reiji: ...Very well. Just do as you please. However, I do not intend to give you lot a single yen.

ー Reiji leaves

Ayato: Ah! Oi, wait! ...O-Oi, do any of you guys have some cash?

Kanato: Are you dumb? Why would I have money on me?

Subaru: Oi, what are we gonna do...

Laito: This is your fault, Ayato! Go apologize to Reiji!

Ayato: Haah!? Why do I have to say sorry!?

Kanato: That’s easy. Because you’re to blame for everything.

Ayato: Haah!? He was upset with you as well!

Laito: In that case, the two of you should go say sorry.

Kanato: Why are you trying to escape the blame when you’re the one who was together with Ayato in the first place?

Ayato: I’m never apologizin’!

Laito: Get going, you two.

Kanato: I’m not going either!

Subaru: Ahー God! Stop the damn arguin’! All three of you should go apologize!

Ayato: Why do I have to!?

Laito: Ehー?

Kanato: Under no circumstances!

Shuu: You guys are way too loud...You’re practically shouting for the whole store.

Pwaah...That being said...You’re still not done...?

*TIMESKIP*

Subaru: ーー There you have it. So Reiji, just give in already.

At this rate, we’ll never make it back to the manor.

Reiji: Even so, I cannot give in now.

Subaru: ...

Reiji: ーー However, right...I suppose I shall show my gratitude and let it slide this once. Although I have yet to hear an apology.

Ayato: What is this Four-Eyes goin’ on ‘bout?

Reiji: If you continue to call me that, I would not mind just heading home straight away.

Ayato: Che...

Reiji: Hmph...

Subaru, I will be joining the three of them.

Meanwhile you will go look for Shuu so the two of you can purchase the ingredients I need for my own dish.

Subaru: ...Hah? Why not just buy them yourself?

Reiji: Perhaps try using that brain of yours a little and you will realize that it is simply impossible to look for the items on my own list while also keeping an eye on those triplets at the same time.

Above all, I want to ensure that good-for-nothing at least does something as well.

Subaru: I don’t get it. I’m not doin’ anythin’, understood?

Kanato: How can you be so selfish?

Ayato: Exactly! Are you goin’ to ruin this whole thing ‘cause you’re being a selfish prick?

Laito: Reiji’s mood finally improved, but now Subaru-kun’s going to ruin it again?

Subaru: Fuck...What is your problem!?

Laito: It’s easy, no? If Reiji doesn’t give us any money.

We can’t buy the stuff we need for Bitch-chan’s birthday party, right? Ah-ah, I’m sure she would have been so happy as well.

Subaru: ...

Che...I just have to go buy that shit, right!?

*Flip*

Reiji: Very well. I have written down everything with the exact quantities I need on this note.

Subaru: ...You nitpicker.

Reiji: It would be bad to overbuy, no? Please call it effective instead.

I will pay for all ingredients together, so please wait in front of the cashier once you’re done.

*Rustle*

Subaru: ...Hmph.

ー Subaru walks off with the memo

*SCENE SHIFT*

Subaru: Shuu!! Wake up!

Shuu: How could I sleep under these circumstances...? You guys are really noisy...

Subaru: I have to go through this shit ‘cause you were loafin’ ‘round! Now get up and make yourself useful!

Shuu: ...Haah...Guess I have no other choice. I heard most of the conversation earlier, so I’ll make an effort to move today...

Nn...So, what do we have to buy...?

Subaru: This.

*Rustle*

Shuu: Haah, that’s quite the list...Subaru, you carry the basket.

Subaru: Haah!? You can go get it yourself, no!? Why is it always me!?

*TIMESKIP*

*Rustle rustle*

Yui: ...Nn...

( I wonder when I last got such a good night’s rest? )

( Usually, someone always barged in to suck my blood the second I try to go to bedーー )

*BOOM*

Yui: W-What was that!?

( That sound just now...I didn’t just imagine it, right? )

*BOOM*

Yui: A-Again!? Also, I can smell something burnt as well...

( I-Is everyone okay...? I should go check up on the situation... )

ー Yui tries to leave her room

Shuu: ...

Yui: ...S-Shuu-san! What is happening!?

( Why is Shuu-san lying on the floor in the middle of the hallway...!? )

*BOOM*

Yui: Another explosion...!?

Shuu-san, wake up please! ...Shuu-san!

( Oh no...He’s not waking up at all. There might actually be something wrong with him... )

Um, Shuu-san...! P-Please wait right here! I’ll go call someone else!

*Rustle*

Shuu: ...Shut up. ...Oh, it’s you.

Yui: Shuu-san...!

( T-Thank god. He was just asleep... )

Shuu: ...My muscles are sore...

Yui: Geez, it’s because you slept on the ground. More importantly, why are you here?

Shuu: Ahー... I have no other choice, do I? ...I have to keep an eye on you...

Yui: ...?

Shuu: ...No, it’s nothing.

*BOOM*

Yui: ( ...!! )

U-Um...Do you have any idea what these loud blasts are about...?

Shuu: Hm? Aah...You’re just hearing things. Now hurry back to your roomーー

*BOOM*

Shuu: ...

Yui: That sound again...!!

Shuu: ...Guess we’re not using the kitchen for a while after this...

Yui: Um, what did you say just now...?

Shuu: Nothing...Well, you can just continue sleeping, don’t let it bother you.

Yui: E-Easier said than done...

Shuu: Whatever, just go to bed....If not, that fussy guy will...

ー Reiji joins them

Shuu: ...Too late.

Yui: Ah, Reiji-san...!

Reiji: I came to check up on you because I could imagine you would be sleeping on the job again...

Yui: ( The job? What is he talking about? )

Reiji: You...You’ve woken up, I see?

Yui: Um, is something the matter? I’ve been hearing these explosions this whole time.

Reiji: No, it is nothing serious. You should return to your own room.

Yui: But, I’m worried about the others...

Reiji: Your concern is meaningless to us Vampires. Now get back to your room.

*BOOM*

Yui: A-Again!? Um, Reiji-san...?

Reiji: ...Haah, for god’s sake...

*SCENE SHIFT*

*BOOM*

Ayato: Uwaaah!? What the fuck’s happenin’!? Do somethin’ ‘bout this!!

*CRASH*

Laito: The fire, Ayato-kun! Hurry up and extinguish the flames!!

Ayato: You do that!!

Laito: Okay, here I go!!

*SPLASH*

Ayato: Oi, that’s damn cold...!!

Kanato: What are you doing!? It nearly got on Teddy!!

Ayato: Complain to Laito, not to me!!

Laito: Ahaha! My bad, my bad~! My hand slipped a little~

*Thud*

Ayato: Ah! Hot, hot, hot! Oi, this thing’s hella hot if you touch it!

Subaru: Oi, you fool!! Of course it’s gonna be hot...Che!

*SHATTER*

Kanato: Why do you keep on getting in my way, Ayato!?

Ayato: I’m not doin’ it on purpose either!

Kanato: Then get out of my sight! You’re in the way!

Laito: Uwah~ This situation keeps on getting worse and worse. I feel like it’s beyond saving at this point?

Subaru: Don’t be standin’ there makin’ a calm observation of the situation and do somethin’ ‘bout it instead!

Laito: Ah~ No chance! Once things stop exploding, we’ll just have to start over from scratch, okay?

Kanato: Don’t be ridiculous! Do you have any idea how much time and effort I put into getting this far!?

Ayato: Crap! I think it’s gonna boom again!

Subaru: Oi, idiot! Don’t come my way with that thing!!

*BOOM*

*CRASH*

Subaru: Fuckーー!! Which one of you bastards thought this was a good idea!?

*SCENE SHIFT*

*BOOM*

*CRASH*

Yui: ( I could faintly hear Ayato-kun and the others in the background. I’m sure they’re the ones behind these loud noises... )

( I have no idea what they’re doing, but I can tell that the manor is on the brink of destruction... )

Reiji: ...

Yui: ( Reiji-san’s temples are twitching...I’m pretty sure he’s infuriated...? )

U-Um...If there’s any way I can help out...

Reiji: ...No, that will not be needed. I will take care of it...

Yui: I see...

*BOOM*

*SHATTER*

Yui: ( Honestly, what is going on? I can still hear everyone shouting too... )

Reiji: Shuu, how long do you intend to sleep amidst this ruckus?

Shuu: ...Shut up, I’m awake. I’m doing the task given to me, no?

Yui: ...Task?

Reiji: Aah...It is nothing that should concern you.

I will come and call you later, so do not set foot outside of your room until then.

Yui: Eh? U-Um...

Reiji: Understood?

Yui: ( S-Scary...I probably shouldn’t ask any more questions, right? )

...Yes...

Reiji: Very well. Well then, good-for-nothing. You will be switching duties and head towards the kitchen with me.

Shuu: Haah...What a drag...

ー The two of them leave

Yui: ( ...What on earth is happening in this house? )

( However, I have no other choice but to return to my room after what Reiji-san told me, right? )

ー Yui goes back inside her room

Yui: ( I went back inside as I was told to, but... )

*CRASH*

Reiji: Ayato! Cut it out! What are you even trying to do!?

Ayato: I just...!!

*BOOM*

Ayato: Uwaaah! This damn thing exploded again!!

*THUD*

Yui: ( Don’t let it bother you, just ignore it... )

Subaru: Uwaah! The fuck you doin’, Kanato!? Don’t point that dangerous thing towards me! 

Kanato: ...Fufufu, I talked it over with Teddy, and we’ve decided to take down Ayato with this!

Laito: Then point it towards Ayato-kun instea...Uwaah!!

*BOOM*

*SHATTER*

Reiji: Ah, you lot...Stop this at once!!

Yui: ( Peace of mind...Positive thinking... )

Kanato: Ayato! Keep still and let yourself get hit!

Ayato: In your dreams!

Laito: Ooh~ Nice catch, Ayato-kun! Now dump it inside the water...

Ayato: Kanato, you should go ahead and blow up!

*BOOM*

Yui: ( ...Haah, I feel as if it just keeps on getting worse... )

( Speaking of which, I can’t hear Shuu-san at all. He can’t possibly be asleep amidst all of that...Right? )

( Even a Vampire would get hurt, no...? )

( Above all, it’s kind of rare for all of them to gather and do something together. )

( Hm...I honestly can’t imagine what they could be doing. )

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) At Japanese high schools, they usually have a health committee with a representative in each class. This student is in charge of helping out during the physical examinations, will escort students when they are feeling ill or have injured themselves to the infirmary, etc.

(2) In Japan, it is quite common to say ‘I have received it’ when somebody hands you something. (People at stores might say it when you pay and give them the money as well.) However, the translation ‘Thank you’ just sounded more fluent and natural in English.

(3) 持ち場に着く or ‘mochiba ni tsuku’ usually gets translated as ‘to get to your station’ or ‘to get in position’. However, since some of them are actually moving places/leaving the house, I altered the translation a little. 

(4) I had never heard of this before, but I googled the terms ‘calcium deficiency’ and ‘irritation’ in Japanese and did find multiple articles talking about a possible link between a bad mood and lacking calcium.

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

[ Part 2 ] →

[ahkaraii]

tov drabble (1618 words)

“Good fight,” Don Whitehorse compliments. “Not good enough, though.”

Schwann knows when he’s lost. He resorts to a cool, helpless apathy in these moments: a trait characteristic to him since birth.

“Then kill me,” he says without inflection.

“You won’t beg for your life?” Don asks.

“I am already dead,” he says. “There is nothing to beg for.”

“Huh. Interesting.” Don then shrugs his massive shoulders, like saying, ‘what can you do?’. “Aw’right then. Hey! Boys! Give this kid a good Altoskian welcome, and escort him to a cell, will ya?”

Altoskian hospitality is not unlike the Empire’s, Schwann reflects. They knock him around, piss in his water bowl, and don’t give him any toilet paper to wipe his face or his ass during the whole damn stay. Then again, an assassination attempt against his Imperial Majesty would easily warrant a public beheading — here, it seems to equate with seven days of enforced meditation toe-deep in his own shit before being kicked to the curb like nothing ever happened.

“You’re letting me go?” Schwann asks, a faint tone of disbelief in his voice.

“You’re not the first to try to off the Boss, y’know,” the guard explains, “and you won’t be the last. It’s almost a right of passage at this point.”

Schwann must reevaluate the guild’s hierarchy. His intel was clearly missing some rather important information. “Did you also try to kill Don Whitehorse?” he asks, not even meaning it sarcastically.

“Sure,” the guard admits, like it’s nothing. “Though I tried to poison him, myself. Gave the Don a case of the runs and he put a bucket of it in my cell and that was enough to make me not try again.”

Schwann’s just spent a week stewing in his own filth and understands what a powerful motivator the stench of unceasing fecal matter and lack of hygiene can be to a man who once thought himself as dignified. “Huh,” is all he offers. Is that how Don Whitehorse inspires loyalty? By sparing his foes in such a contrived way?

“Now, I’d close my eyes if I were you. Ready? Splash!”

After Schwann’s been waterboarded into smelling a little less like a sewer, the guard escorts him out the door and onto the cobbled street some ways from the headquarter’s main entrance.

“That’s it?” Schwann repeats, still not quite believing it.

“That’s it,” the guard says. “Though if I were you, I’d get a proper wash and new duds. You fucking reek.”

A bed and shower at the inn requires gald he no longer has. And even the filthiest tavern won’t let him in wearing the shit-smelling rags he’s got tattered on by a thread. He’s tired, he’s hungry, and he’s really five seconds away from giving up and taking a nap right there in the street. Where even is he, anyway? Dahngrest is a fucking labyrinth with far too many dead ends.

“You need quick cash, son? I’ll pay you to suck my dick,” a strange man with a caved in nose offers in one such dead-end alley, idly smoking a pipe.

Schwann considers it for all of three seconds before he smoothly says, “I must decline,” and walks off in the opposite direction as fast as his tired calves will take him. It’s barely been a week and he will not fall to prostitution just to get a fucking bath. That guy probably had syphilis, anyway.

“Hey! New guy!”

Schwann would’ve started walking even faster if the pitch of the voice hadn’t distracted him — it belongs to a kid, prepubescently high, gender difficult to tell with the patchwork quilt of nonsense they’ve got on.

“Take this package to Saggitarus,” the kid says, and hurls something at him that Schwann catches out of reflex.

“What?” he asks, but the kid’s already disappeared. Fast little bugger—either that, or great at climbing walls. “What...?” he repeats, staring at the innocuous brown-paper-wrapped box in his hands. It’s about the weight of his pauldron, some two kilograms dense, and rattles like there’s something round inside it. A blastia, perhaps?

“Saggitarus,” he echoes. The tavern?

Is this a test?

Is the Don testing him?

For a moment, Schwann expands his senses, wondering if he’s being followed. He can immediately feel eyes on him, and detect the sounds of muffled laughter in the distance. Then again, that might just be paranoia. He has just spent seven days with no privacy and bored guards idly betting on when he’ll get thirsty enough to drink the piss-bucket. (Shamefully, he only got to two before he succumbed.)

If there’s a blastia in here, maybe he can sell it, or, hell, use it. If Schwann’s already presumed dead and his dignity gone with it, then maybe--

The thought crosses his mind and leaves it without much fanfare. There is a task he has been given, and he shall complete it. “Saggitarus,” he repeats, and twists his ankles in the direction of the last tavern he’d been to. Maybe he can ask for directions there.

“Saggitarus tavern? Heh...y'mean the Sagittarius Tavern? It’s that way, new guy,” says the bouncer stationed outside.

Hm. Does everyone know his task, then?

“Sagittarius, huh? It’s southeast,” another man offers, “follow the music.”

It’s starting to feel like a wild goose chase, and everyone’s in on it. There is no music but distant laughter.

“Naw, new guy, it’s north! Y’know, by the fountain? Surely you passed it already.”

On and on and on, each new direction being interrupted by some new person with eyes on his package and cruelty in their smiles. It’s clear they’re all in on it, and he’s the butt of the joke.

“You’re all fucking with me,” Schwann says monotonously. He’s really quite tired. Honestly, he doesn’t really need a weapon to kill things. If he goes outside the barrier, maybe he could just rip a couple of stray Filifolia monsters into lettuce for a salad and then sell the rest of it for gald enough to pay for hay to rest with the horses…

The thought tantalises him for three seconds before he focuses back to reality. Don Whitehorse has probably already forgotten him. His underlings are the cats playing with the new toy the Don has given them. He’s nothing but fresh meat quickly spoiling.

“You finally give up, new guy?”

It’s the kid who gave him the package. Schwann eyes them more carefully this time. Blond, grey-eyed, and oddly confident in their stance. For being such a pipsqueak, this kid has balls to poke an enemy of the Don while he’s down. Schwann’s dead tired and still quite capable of snapping the kid’s neck like he would a chicken.

“What happens if I say yes?” Schwann asks, lightly.

“I take the package back,” the kid says, and stretches out a small hand riddled with weapon-born calluses. “Hand it over, then.”

“Hm,” Schwann makes as if he’s thinking, and a part of him feels silly but delighted when the brat begins to look visibly impatient. Is this kid the one in charge of his punishment…? “I think not, then.”

“Ugh,” the kid says. “Then hurry up and make it!”

Schwann bows his head like he would to Princess Estellise. “Of course, young Master,” he says, and is rewarded by the kid looking proper startled. Bingo. “I’m afraid I am quite lost, though. Why don’t we both help each other and you get me there, for real this time? That way we can both finally take a break.”

The kid squints at him and then gives an explosive sigh and turns around and starts walking. Schwann follows them leisurely. They walk down faintly familiar streets and end up at the tavern right where Schwann started. The bouncer outside looks just as amused as he did the first time.

“Ah, I see now. Saggitarus is your name, isn’t it?” Schwann says, managing a sardonic smile.

“At your service,” the guy says, and stretches out his hand. “Did you ever find the Sagittarius tavern, then?”

“Your directions were one of a kind, but my sense of direction is quite another.” Schwann plops the brown box unceremoniously into the guy’s outstretched palm. “Here’s your package, Mister Saggitarus.”

“Here’s your payment, Mister New Guy,” Saggitarius says, and flicks him a single gald coin.

“Thanks,” Schwann says without a trace of sarcasm, and turns to the kid. “Y’know where a tired old man could get a bucket of clean water for a single gald?”

“Uh, try the fountain,” the kid says. “Duh.”

“Duh,” Schwann echoes, and can’t help but laugh a little. Duh, indeed. Children above, he’s so tired.

“Hey. New Guy. I’ll throw you enough for a meal if you give Pecan this package,” Saggitarus offers, clearly taking pity on him. “Pecan’s the third waiter on the right at the Sagittarius tavern. You know your way there now, right?”

Schwann’s everything aches, but he’s starting to get the hang of this place now, he thinks. “Sure,” he says. “Throw in an old tunic and I’ll deliver it as fast as these old legs can take me.”

“Do it without causing a ruckus and I’ll give you some new shoes, too,” Saggitarius says.

“You got yourself a deal,” Schwann says, and points his feet towards his goal. He can’t wait to feel a little cleaner and rest enough to regroup and decide his next course of action; if he doesn’t send an encoded message to Zaphias soon, Commandant Alexei’ll probably assume him dead or, worse, a traitor. Till then, it’s nice to have a mission with clear cut instructions.

“Third waiter from the right,” Schwann murmurs to himself, and sets off.

[klaineanummel]

(b)romance

Everyone does dumb shit in high school. Some people skip classes too many times, or cheat on their tests. Kurt Hummel gets drunk and eats thirty-five diet pudding cups. 

guess who isn’t deaddddddddd. big thanks to mailroomorder who encouraged me to just write a dumb one-shot to get back into my creative writing gear. this is based off a tumblr post i saw the other day that inspired me in the way only dumb shit can (link to the post on ao3 -- link to ao3 in the sidebar). hope you enjoy!!

i.

It all starts at a dumb party Kurt’s junior year of high school.

Finn makes him come, claiming he wants his friends to get to know his new step-brother better. Kurt tries to argue that he’s actually known all these people since kindergarten, just as Finn has, and they just have different interests, but Finn is insistent. Kurt should have known that his dad marrying the most popular guy in school’s mom would come back to bite him in the ass.

Finn spends the entire ride to the party telling Kurt in great detail about everybody on the baseball team, going into the specifics of why he thinks Kurt will get along with each specific person.

“—and Ryder puts a lot of care into his hair, no idea why. And Mike is super into dancing and musicals and shit, so you’ll have a lot to talk about. And Puck may not look it, but he’s actually super invested in skin care for some reason. Oh, and Blaine is really into fashion, and musicals, too. He and Mike are actually always talking about—”

On, and on for the entire twenty minute ride to David Karofsky’s house.

By the time they arrive, Kurt is more than thankful that Finn agreed to be the designated driver for once, because Kurt really doesn’t think that he’ll be able to survive the evening sober if Finn is going to keep that up all night.

The first thing he does when he arrives is force Finn to show him where all the drinks are, and to show him how to make the mixed drink with the highest alcohol content but least amount of alcohol taste.

He knows he’ll probably regret it, but as soon as Finn finishes the drink, he downs the whole thing in as few gulps as possible, then holds out his cup so that Finn will make him another. Because Finn is a terrible influence, instead of suggesting he maybe stick to just one for now, he grins and says, “Fuck yeah, Kurt!” and pours even more crap into his cup.

The second drink doesn’t last long either, as Kurt feels the need to take a long pull from it every single time Finn drags him to someone new and says, “Hey, this is my new step-brother, Kurt,” to somebody that Kurt has literally known his entire life. He then has to take yet another drink when whoever it is inevitably says, “Yo, hey, great to meet you!” as though it actually is the first time they’re meeting.

To be fair, Finn and Kurt seem to have arrived a bit late, and so most of these people are already three sheets to the wind, but still.

The only person who doesn’t respond that way is Blaine Anderson, who stares at Finn for a few moments after he introduces Kurt, then sends a confused smile Kurt’s way and says, “Finn, you know that I know Kurt, right? We have calculus together and were in the same class every year in primary school.”

“Well, yeah,” Finn replies. “But now he’s Kurt my step-brother. So, you know. It’s different.”

Kurt’s eyes widen and he looks down at his nearly empty cup before lifting it to his lips and draining it. When he looks up, he sees Blaine giving him an amused smile and then saying, “Top you off?”

“Please,” Kurt says, allowing Blaine to finally drag him away from Finn.

He’s feeling pretty tipsy by the time Blaine hands him his new drink. It’s different than what Finn made him, but still good, and Kurt drinks half of it in one go.

“Whoa, there,” Blaine says, chuckling as he pours himself a drink. “Rough night?”

“Oh, you know,” Kurt says, glancing around the room. “Just enjoying being paraded around like a new toy and realizing just how inconsequential I’ve been to the people I’ve gone to school with for literally ever.”

Blaine snorts. “They’re just drunk, and probably indulging Finn a little bit. Guy’s really happy you two are brothers now.”

“Clearly,” Kurt replies, eyes falling on Finn who is excitedly pointing in his direction as he talks to a couple of cheerleaders. “Thanks for acknowledging we’ve met before.”

He turns back in time to see Blaine raise his cup and take a long drink from it. Kurt raises his own as well, then downs the rest of his own drink. He winces a little as he does it, but then holds his cup out to Blaine for one more. Blaine presses his lips together and raises his eyebrows, but still pours him another one.

“Pace yourself, yeah?”

“Will do, Mom.”

Blaine laughs, shaking his head a little. “You’re alright Hummel, you know that?”

Kurt shrugs and gives him a, ‘Duh’, face, which just makes Blaine laugh some more.

“Come on,” Blaine says, grabbing Kurt by the wrist. “I’ve just decided I want you as my beer pong partner for the night.”

Kurt’s never played beer pong before, or really any party game, but he goes along happily. Anything to get him away from Finn’s endless crusade to introduce him to every single popular kid at their school.

**

An hour later finds Kurt sitting on a ratty old couch, wasted, with an equally wasted Blaine Anderson laughing up against him.

“We’re so bad at beer pong,” Blaine says, head falling onto Kurt’s shoulder as he laughs. “So, so bad.”

Kurt laughs along with him. “So bad,” he closes his eyes as he laughs some more, then widens them as he lets out a loud burp. He and Blaine stare at each other for a second and then burst out laughing again.

“So much for pacing myself,” Kurt says, covering his mouth with his hand. It just makes Blaine laugh some more.

They laugh and laugh until Blaine sits up a little bit and says, “I’m so hungry.”

Kurt frowns, suddenly realizing that he’s hungry as well. “Well, let’s go eat something, come on.”

Blaine stares at him with wide eyes, then nods and says. “Yes. Yes, amazing idea.” He stands, wobbling a little once he’s on his feet, then drags Kurt up with him. Kurt wobbles a little as well, grabbing onto Blaine’s shoulders to steady himself. Once they’re both good, Blaine grabs his hand and says, “Come on, I know where Dave’s parents hide the good shit.”

The good shit, it turns out, is an insane hoard of diet pudding cups. Apparently Dave’s parents have been dieting together for a while, and diet pudding cups are the only sweet they’ve allowed themselves, because there are really a ridiculous amount of them in the back of the pantry.

“Oh, my god,” Kurt says as he stares at them. “I love diet pudding cups.”

“Me, too,” Blaine says, grabbing a butterscotch one and digging in. Kurt just keeps staring at all of them, taking in all the flavors, completely overwhelmed.

“Blaine, I can’t choose,” he whines after a while. Blaine is already scooping out the last of his own pudding cup and stares up at him with giant eyes.

“Well, here,” Blaine says, handing him one of the spoons they grabbed from the kitchen. “Just like, eat all of them.”

And Kurt, of course, being the idiot drunk teenager that he is, grabs the spoon and says, “You have the most amazing ideas,” before picking up a random pudding cup.

In Kurt’s defense, everybody does stupid shit in high school.

ii.

Kurt still barely feels human by Monday morning. Finn laughs at him the entire ride to school, and Kurt silently bares it until they reach the McKinley High parking lot. There, he storms out of the car and walks away, throwing Finn the middle finger as he goes because, dammit, this is his fault.

He doesn’t turn back to see Finn, but he can hear him laughing as he hurries to follow Kurt into the school.

He’s just settled all his things in his locker and grabbed what he needs for his first two periods when Dave Karofsky and Blaine Anderson walk up to him. Blaine looks just as hellish as Kurt feels, which he has to admit is a relief. Dave looks about as amused as Finn, which basically throws all the relief Kurt’s felt at seeing Blaine out the window.

“Hey there, Diet Pudding Cup Boy,” is how Dave greets him, and the sheer words cause nausea to swirl in Kurt’s stomach.

“Please don’t,” Kurt whispers, shutting his locker shut.

“No, dude, I’m super impressed,” Dave says, clapping him on the back and causing Kurt to wince. “I think I counted thirty-seven empty cups when I was cleaning up the next day. Never knew you had it in you.”

“In my defense,” Kurt says, closing his eyes for a moment, “Blaine ate two.”

Blaine groans, and yeah, Kurt realizes that that’s not really a great defense.

“So, thirty-five diet pudding cups.” Dave laughs, then claps him on the back again and says, “My fucking man,” before heading down the hall, leaving Kurt alone with Blaine.

Kurt turns to the other boy and glares. “This is your fault.”

Blaine has one eye closed. “Yep.”

“I threw up four times on Saturday.”

“Oh god, shut up,” Blaine says, leaning his head against Kurt’s shoulder.

“I ate thirty-five diet pudding cups, Blaine.”

Blaine raises his head and asks, “Does it make you feel better to know that the entire baseball team thinks you’re a legend now?”

Kurt sighs heavily, shaking his head. “At least they’ll all actually remember me now.”

Blaine smiles at him, chuckling a little. “Oh yeah. Nobody is forgetting Diet Pudding Cup Boy anytime soon.”

Kurt groans and Blaine laughs at him the entire rest of the way to Calculus.

iii.

“Yo, Pudding Cup Boy,” is how Blaine greets him as he settles into the spot next to Kurt in the library. “I have a bone to pick with you.”

Kurt turns away from his laptop to give Blaine an unimpressed stare. “You know, I think I liked it better when I was Diet Pudding Cup Boy. At least it gave the semblance of health.”

“Too long,” Blaine says, waving his comment away. “Seriously, though. All the schools you applied to are in New York?”

Kurt frowns. “Yeah? I thought I told you that.”

“Uh, no,” Blaine says, shaking his head. “What the hell! We could have coordinated. Made sure we applied to places in the same area so we could be roommates.”

Kurt’s frown instantly turns to a grin. “Wait. So, you—”

“Yes, you freaking dork.”

“Oh, my god!” Kurt throws his arms around his friend, pulling him in for a tight hug. Blaine laughs as he hugs Kurt back, briefly tucking his head into Kurt’s shoulder as he does. “Blaine, this is amazing!”

“I know,” Blaine grins as they separate. “Pudding Cup Boy and Shortstop Supreme take on the Big Apple.”

“You know, I’m too excited about the fact that we’ll be in New York together to even care that you just said that.” Kurt says, which makes Blaine laugh some more. Kurt keeps grinning at him for a moment, then says, “Actually, no—”

“Kurt, come on, this is going to be great! I was so nervous about moving to New York, you know, not knowing anybody. Now turns out one of my best friends is going to be there with me!”

Even though it’s been over a year since the fateful baseball party that brought them together, Kurt sometimes still can’t believe that Blaine Anderson considers him one of his best friends. It makes his insides feel all warm inside every time he hears Blaine say it.

“I can’t believe we didn’t talk about this. I could have sworn I told you I was applying to NYADA and NYU.”

“You didn’t, you rascal,” Blaine says, knocking his shoulder lightly. “It’s fine, though. I’ll forgive you if you promise you won’t abandon me for all your cool theater friends when we get there.”

Kurt scoffs at that. “Please, Blaine. As if Pudding Cup Boy could ever abandon his trusty sidekick… what did you call yourself?”

“Shortstop Supreme. And, no offense, but you’re the sidekick.”

Kurt stares at him, bewildered. “Um. No.”

Blaine laughs. “Kurt, you’re Pudding Cup Boy. Come on, man. You’re the sidekick.”

Kurt opens his mouth to argue, but then another thought occurs to him. “Oh, jeez. I just realized Pudding Cup Boy is going to follow me to New York, isn’t it?”

Blaine throws his arm around him and pulls him close, grinning and saying, “You know it,” before the librarian finally comes over to tell them to shut up.

iv.

Blaine greets him by shouting, “Hey, Pudding Motherfucker,” from about twenty feet away. Despite himself, Kurt can’t help but laugh as Blaine continues walking towards him, holding two cups of coffee in his hands.

Kurt stands up from the bench he’s on just moments before Blaine arrives to wrap him in a tight hug. Kurt hugs him back just as tight, then pulls away to grab his coffee from Blaine before anything unfortunate happens to it.

“I don’t think that’s an upgrade from Pudding Boy,” is how he replies after taking a careful sip of his drink.

“Well, it’s what you’ll continue to be until you make more time in your life for your best friend.” They sit down on the bench, Blaine instantly shuffling closer to Kurt. “I mean, come on, Kurt. It’s been almost a month since I last saw you.”

“We literally text every day,” Kurt says, chuckling. “Also, if I recall correctly, we were going to hang out two weeks ago, but somebody cancelled at the last minute because the cute guy in his Creative Writing class asked him to get coffee.”

Blaine scowls and turns away. “Whatever. At least I cancelled to get laid. You always cancel for lame reasons, like work or homework.”

Kurt snorts at that. “Blaine, you told me after that he was the most boring person alive, and that when he asked you for your number after coffee you told him you didn’t believe in cell phones.”

Blaine’s cheeks color, and Kurt bursts out laughing. Blaine mutters, “Shut up. See if I ever buy you coffee again.”

“Oh, whatever,” Kurt says, tapping him on the shoulder. “You know you will, because you love me.”

“Nope,” Blaine says, throwing his chin up in the air. “You’re a dick, and I hate you.”

“You loooooove me,” Kurt leans his head on Blaine’s shoulder and stares up at him, fluttering his eyelashes. “Admit it, Shortstop. You love me. Come on, say it.”

“Pudding Motherfucker is right,” Blaine grumbles, which just makes Kurt cackle.

“Come on,” he says, pulling them off the bench. “Let’s take a walk while I remind you of all the reasons you love me.”

“There are none,” Blaine says, and it just makes Kurt laugh some more.

v.

Despite attending different universities, by the time their junior year rolls around Kurt and Blaine have somehow managed to find a decently sized group of mutual friends. They’re a mix of Blaine’s Columbia classmates, Kurt’s classmates from NYU, and a few NYADA strays they picked up after a night at a karaoke bar.

It’s surprising to Kurt how many of his close friendships have been forged over drunken nights out.

It’s hard for all of them to get together on the regular, due to conflicting schedules and the fact that they’re all widely spread throughout the city, but when they do it’s always a blast.

“Hey, Puddin’,” Blaine says, greeting Kurt by hugging him from behind. Kurt leans his body into it for a moment, enjoying the closeness his friendship with Blaine always affords.

“We dropped the boy, huh Shortstop?”

“Too much of a mouthful,” Blaine says, shrugging and placing a large glass Tupperware on the counter of Kurt’s kitchen.  “Can I help you out with anything?”

Kurt points in the direction of a cabinet and says, “Can you grab the veggie plate thing for me and start throwing these on there,” he nods his head down to the large selections of vegetables on the cutting board in front of him. “And then the hummus and ranch from the fridge? I’m almost finished cutting these up.”

“You got it, boss,” Blaine says, moving around Kurt’s kitchen with the ease of somebody who spends way too much time in someone else’s house. “Did Rachel tell you that she’s bringing some guy with her today?”

“Oh, god. Another one?”

Blaine laughs, pulling down the serving plate. “Second this semester. How long do you think this one will last?”

“No idea, but I can tell you this – if by the next one of these she’s got another one in tow, I’m not making the effort to get to know him anymore. I can’t keep investing all this small talk in random straight guys I’m never going to see again.”

“What a struggle,” Blaine simpers, tapping Kurt on the back with the plate. “Our life is so hard.”

“It is,” Kurt replies, sticking his tongue out at his friend. “Now, come on. Get to vegetable serving. You said you wanted to help.”

Blaine chuckles. “Aye, aye Captain Pudding.”

“You know, Blaine,” Kurt says as Blaine starts to place the vegetables on the plate. “A lot of people would probably be offended that you still call them a dumb nickname born of a night of drunken idiocy when they were sixteen.”

“Yeah, but those people aren’t you,” Blaine says, grinning up at him. “I mean, name someone else as legendary as Thirty-Five Pudding Cups Hummel.”

Kurt rolls his eyes. “They were diet pudding cups, thank you very much.”

“See?” Blaine bumps their hips together. “Legend.”

Kurt chuckles and finishes cutting up his carrots, Blaine practically pressed to his side as they work.

vi.

“You have to sing it with me,” Blaine is holding his arm tightly, dragging Kurt down so that they’re eye to eye. His breath smells like vodka and raspberries, and his eyes are wide and wild. “Come on, Kurt. Come on, come on, come on.”

“Blaine, I told you, I have a firm no songs before the 80’s rule.”

“It’s a classic. Please, Puddin’, for me?”

Kurt stares at him, the three shots he’d done early making his thought process a little slower. “Oh, my god,” he says, jaw dropping. “That’s why you want to sing it with me.”

“What?” Blaine pulls away a little, face filling with completely put-upon confusion. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Build Me Up Buttercup? With Pudding Cup Boy? Uh-uh. No way, mister.”

“Kurt,” Blaine drags out the ‘u’ in his name, clinging to Kurt once again. “Please, you have to!”

“Oh, my god,” Elliott says, suddenly appearing beside them. “Can you just give your man what he wants? Jesus Christ, Kurt.”

“I don’t want to,” Kurt replies. “He just wants to sing it because—”

“Who fucking cares. It’s like a three minute song, just do it and get it over with.”

Blaine is staring up at him with those dumb puppy dog eyes of his, eyelashes fluttering wildly, lips pouted. Kurt groans.

“Fine.”

“Yes!” Blaine jumps up, presses a quick kiss to Kurt’s cheek and then hurries off to sign them up to sing.

“Thanks for the support there, El.”

Elliott shrugs, clearly unapologetic. “Come on, man, you know the saying. Happy wife, happy life!”

Kurt scowls. “Blaine is far from my wife, Elliott.”

“Whatever, potato, po-tah-to. Keep your man happy and everything will be good. Trust me on that.”

He pats Kurt on the back, then heads over to the table filled with their mutual friends. Kurt watches him go, brain still working far too slowly to catch up to the implications of what Elliott is saying.

Elliott is already long gone by the time he finally manages to say, “Blaine isn’t my man.”

“What?” Blaine asks, appearing next to Kurt.

Kurt jumps a little. “Jeez, Blaine. You can’t sneak up on me like that.”

“Not my fault I’m so tiny you never notice me,” Blaine huffs, chest puffing out in fake annoyance.

Despite it all, Kurt laughs. “You are tiny. Short stuff.”

“Uh, wrong,” Blaine holds up a hand. “It’s Shortstop, and I prefer to go by my Christian name, Shortstop Supreme.”

“Whatever, short stuff.”

Blaine scowls up at him. “I think Pudding Motherfucker might have just made a comeback.”

Kurt laughs again and wraps his arm around a pouting Blaine, leading him back to the rest of their friends.

vii.

The graduation party is held at Blaine, Sam, and Mercedes’s apartment, since all their graduation ceremonies were almost a full week after everybody else’s, and they insisted that nobody else could party until they were all officially graduated.

It’s a small party, for just their close friends, but you’d think that there was an army invited by the amount of alcohol their hosts provide.

“I don’t know when the next time we get to let loose like this will be,” is how Blaine explains it to Kurt, clinging to his side. It’s clear that Blaine had already broken at least a couple of these bottles in before everybody else arrived. “Since we’re all graduated and adults now. Have to get jobs and shit. Ew.”

Kurt laughs and doesn’t bother to tell Blaine that the next time they’ll ‘let loose’ like this will probably be within the month. Instead he just makes himself a drink and lets Blaine wrap his arms around his middle and rest his head against his shoulder blade.

“We met at a party; do you remember?” Blaine asks.

Kurt snorts. “We met in kindergarten, Blaine.”

“Well, yeah, but we officially met at a party. I made you a drink, and then you ate thirty-five pudding cups.”

Kurt chuckles, picking up his drink in one hand and wrapping the other around Blaine’s shoulders. “How could I forget when you still call me Puddin’ to this day?”

“Such a fun nickname,” Blaine says, grinning. “Although, hey. Full disclosure. Mercedes and Sam think we’re dating because of it.”

Kurt raises his eyebrows. “Oh?”

“Yes. And also because of how you’re always here, and we get dinner with them all the time. They call them ‘double dates’.”

“And do you correct them on that?”

Blaine looks up at him, frowning a little. “Do I?”

Kurt laughs. “Oh, Blaine.” He pulls his friend in closer. “Whatever. They’re not the first people to think that.”

“Yeah, and guess what? People can think whatever they want.”

“They sure can.”

“Because you’re my Puddin’. Forever, and ever. Okay?”

“You know it.”

Blaine grips his forearm tightly with both hands, staring up at him with slight crazy eyes. “I said, okay?”

Kurt laughs, then pulls Blaine back to his side and says, “Yes, Blaine. Forever and ever. Okay.”

“Good,” Blaine says, leaning his head against Kurt’s shoulder. “Now can you please hurry up and get drunk? This all feels very uneven.”

“You got it, boss,” Kurt says, rolling his eyes fondly as he starts to drink.

viii.

“Hey,” Rachel and Mercedes are already sitting at a booth by the time Kurt arrives. Mercedes looks behind his shoulder and says, “Isn’t Blaine joining us, too?”

Kurt nods, settling himself into the booth. “He got held up at work, but he’ll be here in a few.”

“Good, good,” Rachel says, nodding. “So, things are going well for him then, I assume?”

Kurt nods again, picking up the menu. “From what he’s told me. I mean, he’s basically a glorified intern at this point, but everybody’s gotta start somewhere, right?”

The looks the girls give him tell him that they know exactly what he’s talking about.

When the waiter arrives, they give him their drink orders, with Mercedes encouraging Kurt to order for Blaine. Their drinks arrive before Blaine has, and so Kurt decides to just order Blaine’s food for him as well. They’ve all been to this restaurant enough times that he can make a fairly educated guess as to what his best friend will want after a long day.

“It’s sweet you guys know each other so well,” Mercedes says once the waiter walks away with their menus and orders. “I don’t think Sam could order for me, even if he tried.”

Kurt rolls his eyes. “Well, Blaine is pretty obnoxiously open about the things he enjoys. Makes it hard not to know what he likes.”

“You still pay attention, though,” Rachel says. She sighs. “And he’s the same with you. Just wait until you see what he got you for your birthday, I swear you’re going to die. Even I didn’t remember that you’d said you wanted that, and I pride myself on my attention to detail.”

“That’s kind of what happens when you’re best friends for…” it takes him a moment to calculate. “Wow, going on seven years now. Jeez, when did we get so old?”

Mercedes and Rachel share a look, then Rachel starts in on a story about the theater company she’s currently working with.

Blaine finally arrives just as Rachel is finishing up. He scoots into the booth next to Kurt and says, “Sorry I’m late,” to everybody. Then, he grins at Kurt and says, “Hey, Puddin’.”

“Hey,” Kurt responds, ignoring the fond smiles that Rachel and Mercedes shoot at them. “We already ordered, sorry if you wanted something different.”

“Kurt got you some Greek salad or something,” Mercedes says.

“You,” Blaine points at him, finger directly in Kurt’s face. “Are amazing. A true gem.” He then uses the finger to bop Kurt on the nose and then slides closer to him in the booth until their thighs are pressed together.

“Yeah, I know,” Kurt replies, with a smile. He shifts a little, his right arm stuck between him and Blaine, until he manages to pull it out and sling it over the back of the booth. “Did you get that… what was the problem again? Broken printer? Fax machine?” Blaine is smirking up at him, clearly amused. “Whatever, did you get it sorted out?”

“Mostly,” Blaine says. “It was a corrupted hard drive, and it was the big boss’s, so you know. High pressure. I think it’s fine now, but I’m going to have to head back in early tomorrow to triple check.”

“Freaking IT nerd,” Kurt says, chuckling.

“Whatever, drama queen. Oh!” Blaine’s eyes widen and he turns to fully face Kurt. “How’d your callback go?”

“Callback?” Mercedes and Rachel ask at the same time.

Kurt blushes. “Uh, yeah. I got a callback for that off-Broadway revival of Dear Evan Hanson.” Turning to Blaine, he says, “I think it went well. I mean, I feel confident about it. They said they’d get back to me by Friday, so. Fingers crossed.”

“You’re gonna get it,” Blaine says, patting him lightly on the knee. “I know you are. I mean, there’s no way anybody even close to your level of talent auditioned.”

Kurt snorts. “Sweet talker. You know flattery will get you everywhere, right?”

“Of course I do,” Blaine grins at him.

Kurt smiles back, then glances over Blaine’s face and notices something different. He frowns, then brings his hand down from the back of the booth to pull on one of Blaine’s curls. “You didn’t gel your hair.”

“Don’t even start with me,” Blaine says, turning so that he’s facing the girls again. “Today was literally the morning from hell.” He starts to explain all the horror’s of his day, everyone listening with rapt attention.

It’s only when their food arrives that Kurt realizes he’d been playing with Blaine’s hair for the entire duration of the story.

ix.

“Honey, I’m home!” Blaine calls out as he enters the apartment. Kurt rolls his eyes as he finishes shaking the butter into the giant bowl of popcorn.

“Honey, you don’t live here!” He calls back.

Blaine laughs, padding into the kitchen and giving Kurt a hug from behind. “Roommates out?”

“Santana has a hot date,” Kurt says, passing the giant bowl to Blaine. “And Elliott is… god, I don’t even know anymore. That guy has so much going on I can’t even keep up.”

“Don’t we all?” Blaine says, heading towards the living room. “I thought we were busy during college, but sheesh.”

“Well, you see some of us have to work hard for what we get. We can’t get fancy pants promotions less than a year after starting at a company.”

Blaine tuts at him. “Don’t be jealous, Puddin’. It’s not a good color on you.”

Kurt chuckles and grabs a couple of sodas from the fridge.

“Besides,” Blaine says as Kurt walks into the living room, “it’s not like you can talk. Ensemble in Dear Evan Hanson off-Broadway to ensemble in Wicked on Broadway a year after graduating. Tony by Thirty, here you come.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Kurt says, settling on the couch and grabbing the remote. “What are we watching, by the way?”

“Shitty rom-com that Netflix put out a couple of weeks ago,” Blaine replies as Kurt pulls up the Netflix app on the TV. “It looks like it’ll either be garbage, or a real tearjerker, so I figured we’d take the odds.”

“Wonderful,” Kurt says as Blaine sits down next to him on the couch, bringing the popcorn with him.

“Hey,” Blaine holds up a piece of popcorn. “Nothing but the best for my Puddin’ Pop.” He then taps the popcorn against Kurt’s lips and feeds it to him when Kurt opens his mouth.

They start the movie and, honestly, it’s more shitty than good, but they still laugh and make stupid comments to each other about it. Blaine feeds Kurt pieces of popcorn a little more often than necessary, until it becomes another stupid joke and Kurt stops grabbing his own popcorn full stop.

The movie is just finishing up and Blaine is forcing a giant handful of popcorn into Kurt’s mouth when Elliott arrives. He stares at them for a moment, Kurt with his cheeks distended from the snack, Blaine with his hand fully covering Kurt’s mouth, their movie completely ignored. Elliott then shakes his head and says, “I don’t even want to know,” before disappearing into his room.

They’re quiet until they hear his door shut, and then burst out laughing, causing half of the popcorn in Kurt’s mouth to spray all over Blaine’s face. This just makes them laugh harder.

x.

It feels like lately Blaine is the only one of his friends he gets to see. His roommates always seem to be out, Santana with her new girlfriend and Elliott with his ten million gigs. Rachel just got cast in the national tour of Moulin Rouge! and has barely had time to breathe, let alone see her friends, and Sam and Mercedes have been apartment hunting for their own place, having decided it was time to try living as just a couple, without the roommate.

Of course, that roommate happens to be Kurt’s best friend, who is sulking on his couch and slowly taking out an entire family sized bag of Cheetos by himself.

“It’s going to be okay, Blaine. You know that, right?”

“I’m going to be homeless, Kurt.”

“You are not,” Kurt rolls his eyes. “They’re leaving, not you. You still have the apartment.”

“Uh yeah, an apartment whose rent I am paying a third of. I can’t afford the full rent of that place!” He huffs, shoving more Cheetos in his mouth. “Maybe I could swing half, but that means I still have to find another roommate. Fuck everything.”

“Oh, come here,” Kurt laughs and wraps his arm around Blaine, bringing him in against his side. He pulls the bag from Blaine’s hands, then grabs a tissue from the coffee table in front of him and starts wiping the dust off his friends fingers. “It’s going to be fine, Blaine. Really.” Blaine huffs. “No, listen. I know it seems tough right now, but you already knew they were thinking about this. Yeah, it’ll be weird at first, but you’re going to get used to living alone, or with a new roommate that isn’t Sam and Mercedes. Besides, you literally just got promoted at work, and I happen to know that you’re making more than enough to afford that place on your own, at least for a bit.” He finishes wiping Blaine’s fingers, then smiles up at him. “You’re going to be okay, Blaine. Really.”

Blaine stares at him for a moment, face slowly cracking into a smile. “What would I do without you?”

Kurt shrugs. “No idea. You’ll never have to find out.”

Blaine chuckles, then leans into Kurt, head resting against his shoulder. His now-clean fingers trace a pattern on Kurt’s knee, and Kurt closes his eyes, enjoying the closeness.

“Hey, Kurt.”

“Yeah?” Kurt asks, keeping his eyes closed and head leaning back against the back of the couch.

“Are we in a relationship? Or a brolationship?”

Kurt lifts his head slowly, opening his eyes to look at Blaine. “What?”

“I mean, this. Us. Are we dating? Or do we just have one of those epic bromances that straight people are always talking about.”

He’s still tracing patterns over Kurt’s knee, and Kurt sucks on the inside of his cheek, thinking.

“Huh,” Kurt says. “I, uh. I guess I haven’t thought about it, really. I mean, I know people have made comments to me assuming we’re dating, but…”

“But…?”

Kurt looks into Blaine’s eyes, those stupid huge, wide eyes. He can’t really remember a time in his life when they weren’t right where they are now, staring up at him in question, in glee, in frustration.

Kurt smiles, then says, “We can be dating, if you want.”

His stomach flips as he says it, and it’s weird because in eight years of friendship he’s never even thought about Blaine that way. At least not consciously. The thing is, that doesn’t really register to him, because then Blaine is smiling up at him and he realizes that maybe that’s not totally true. That maybe he has thought about Blaine that way, he’s just never realized it because Blaine’s just always been there, teasing him, laughing with him, cuddling with him and calling him Diet Pudding Cup Boy since they were sixteen years old.

“Okay,” is how Blaine replies, and then he leans up and presses his lips to Kurt’s in a soft, light kiss.

Kurt smiles into the kiss, bringing one hand up to cup Blaine’s jaw, deepening the kiss ever so slightly.

It’s not weird, not in the way kissing your best friend might be. Actually, Kurt thinks it’s weirder that they haven’t always been doing this.

“You taste like Cheetos,” he says.

Blaine laughs, head falling back as he does. He then rests his forehead against Kurt’s shoulder and says, “You taste like pudding.”

Kurt snorts. “I do not.”

“No, but it would have been pretty hilarious if you did.”

He keeps laughing, and so Kurt does the only thing he can think of. He grabs Blaine’s face in his hands and kisses him again.

xi.

“You two seem touchier than usual,” Elliott comments over dinner a couple of weeks later. He and Santana are sitting across from them, with Sam and Mercedes each at an end of the table. Blaine has had his arm over Kurt’s shoulders the entire meal, and Kurt has kept a hand firmly on Blaine’s thigh since he sat down. “Did you get engaged, or something?”

Kurt snorts. “Uh, no.”

“We’re just, you know. Officially dating now.”

Santana’s eyes narrow. “Were you… not before?”

“Yeah, what are you even talking about? You guys have been dating for like, years,” comes from Sam.

“We were bromancing for years,” Blaine says, squeezing Kurt’s shoulder. “Now we’re just straight up romancing.”

Kurt wrinkles his nose and says, “Gross.”

“Whatever, Puddin’, you love it.”

“So…” Elliott glances between them. “That, right there. The Puddin’ thing. That’s just like… a random nickname you have for Kurt? It’s not a pet name?”

Blaine frowns. “Is that why everyone always thought we were dating? Because I call him Puddin’?”

“Well, and all the touching and cuddling and heart-eyes,” Mercedes says. “But initially, yeah, it was the Puddin’ thing.”

Kurt snorts at that, and Blaine laughs before saying. “Uh, I call Kurt Puddin’ because the night we became friends he got drunk and ate thirty-five diet pudding cups.”

For a moment nobody says anything, the only sound in the room Kurt and Blaine’s snickers.

It’s Elliott who breaks the silence by staring at Kurt says, “What the literal fuck, Kurt. Thirty-five pudding cups?!”

Kurt and Blaine’s snickers turn into full-on laughs, Blaine resting up against Kurt as they laugh. Mercedes and Sam start to chuckle as well, though Santana and Elliott still look slightly too horrified to join in.

After several more minutes of laughing, Kurt wipes at his eyes and says, “Yes, El. I ate thirty-five diet pudding cups when I was sixteen years old.”

“The greatest Pudding Motherfucker to ever live,” Blaine says, bringing his hand up to card his fingers through the hair at the back of Kurt’s head.

Kurt grins at him and says, “Diet Pudding Cup Boy and Shortstop Supreme for ever.”

“And don’t you forget it,” Blaine replies, leaning in and kissing Kurt lightly on the lips. They giggle into the kiss.

Santana finally breaks her silence by saying, “You two are fucking weird.”

They stare at each other for a moment, and then, unable to stop themselves, burst out into even more giggles.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #232

“i’ve never bought a suit before in my life, but when you go to meet god, you know you wanna look nice.”

Do you have trouble typing when the room is dark? No, I don't look at the keyboard. When’s the last time you had a headache? I had an abomination of a three-day-long headache before my cycle like a week or two back or something. How often do you take surveys? Not as much as I used to now that I actually have school, but occasionally. What did you last write on paper? I think some items to Mom's shopping list? Does anything on your body hurt? No. What do you currently hear? "Bullet" by Hollywood Undead. I can hear cars outside, as well as Bentley biting himself incessantly. Sounds gross. Do you have any goals you’re trying to fulfill? As for in the near future, hopefully - I'd pray if I believed in it by this point - start losing weight again. Grow more in my photography, 1.) because I want this so badly and 2.) there's no way I could handle the stress of school and a "real" job but we're in serious need of money right now. I'd really like to make progress with driving too, but I haven't been able to in months because a headlight in broken, the license plate or whatever is expired, and the car can't pass inspection, so Mom doesn't want me at the steering wheel and get pulled over for it. Being on the borderline poverty line is A BLAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you ever do the dishes? I'mma be real, real honest here. Not really. Reason being we don't have a dishwasher and I am super queasy actually hand-cleaning dirty dishes, I get frustrated because I feel I don't clean them well enough (being a germaphobe is also fun), and my OCD goes absolutely insane trying to play Tetris with the drying rack thingy. All that being said, it's my least-favorite chore. At your house, does everyone eat together as a family? No. We started to drift apart when I was... maybe a pre-teen? When did you last have butterflies in your stomach? Sara decided she wanted to try making out and I was fucking terrified of going too far or scaring her. Are you independent or dependent? I'm embarrassingly dependent. Who last made you smile? My pup. How did you find Bzoink? Taking surveys for so long. What’s your dream job? If travel and heat weren't considered, a meerkat biologist. Do you brush your teeth twice every day? Just once. Do you have a pool? No. Are the streetlights on? We don't have streetlights on my road. When you wear a hoodie, do you pull the sleeves over your hands? Not unless I'm really cold. Do you trust anyone, besides yourself, fully? Sara. I would say Mom, but I'm entirely aware she's lied and made stories up about Dad. Do you believe the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”? No. I've never really understood this. People change. Are you in any advanced classes at school? I bypassed the freshman English class, yeah. Well, is that considered "advanced?" I don't believe it's like an AP course or anything, but it's not a class I'm supposed to be taking as a freshman, so??? How often do you eat your favorite food? Every once in a while. Have you ever fallen asleep on public transport? (including planes) Probably. What was the last TV show you watched? Uhhhh I think it was all the way back when Colleen and I were still friends and we checked out The Good Doctor. Or it was either Parks and Recreation with Sara and her family or Avatar: The Last Airbender, also with Sara. Where was the last place you went on vacation/holiday to? Who’d you go with? The beach with Colleen, her husband, and their son. Well, does that count since it was only for a day? Does the place you work have music playing? What sort? I don't have a job. What’s your favorite type of donut? It varies between chocolate frosted, glazed, and plain. What do you usually eat for breakfast? If I even eat, it'll probably be like, a meal replacement shake or Pop-Tart. Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? Surprisingly. When was the last time you went out for dinner? Like at a sit-down restaurant? Hm. I think it was El Tapatio with my mom and Nicole maybe near two months ago. What was the last thing you said to someone else in person? Idr, something to Mom. Do you use Windows, Mac, Linux, or something else entirely? Windows. How many times do you call someone on the phone a week? Like zero, usually. Have you cooked anything today? What was it? No. Do you have a lot of cousins? What are their names? Yeah. I'm not sharing all their names on the Internet, and besides, I don't even know most. What does your shampoo smell like? I don’t know. What about the body wash or soap you’re using at the moment? I don't remember, even though I got out of the shower like an hour ago. Any movies you’ve seen recently that you’d recommend to me? No, I barely ever watch movies. Why did you last go see a doctor? The primary reason was for my night terrors. Do you know how to play Minesweeper? No. What was the last thing you bought online? A new heat lamp for my snake Venus. Where do you usually park your car? I don't have a car, but Mom parks in the driveway behind the house. Does your mail get delivered to your house or do you have to collect it? It's put in the mailbox on the other side of the road. Are you more logical or creative? Creative, I'd say. Do you cut tags out of clothing so they don’t itch and bother you? Usually. How many times a year do you go on vacation? Pretty much never. Can you curl your tongue or do anything else cool with it? I can curl it a little bit, but my snake eyes piercing prevents me from doing it all that well. What was the last job interview you went to? For a deli position at a Food Lion. Got the job, lasted not even two hours. :^) What embarrassing music do you listen to? I'm not really *embarrassed* of any I listen to. Just kinda surprising to admit to some people sometimes. What’s your biggest talent? Writing, I guess? What’s the best gift you ever received? My dog. What fear would you like to overcome? More than ANYTHING? Probably being judged in a negative way or being seen as "weird," and not in a good way. AvPD is a bitch and makes me less open about myself (mostly just irl, but yeah), which I REALLY don't like. Would you rather ride in a hot air balloon or hang-glide? Hm, hang-glide, maybe. I dunno. What habit would you like to break? Procrastinating, lately. Describe the most romantic moment you’ve ever had. I can think of a few, but here's the one that had the most biggest effect on me, I think. There was one time Jason and I were kissing, I told him I loved him, and he whispered, "I love you too, wife," before going back to kissing me. Remembering that still hurts, a lot. I know now us separating was for the better, I don't want someone who doesn't have faith in my strength, just the memories like those from the time I was convinced our love story was a fairy tale are very painful. Just typing it caused a discomfort in my stomach. What’s your worst personality trait? Laziness, probably. Or impulsiveness. Have you ever cheated on a test? No. What’s your favorite karaoke song? I don't sing karaoke. Do you know anyone with two different colored eyes? I don't believe so. What was the last thing you bought for someone else? Sara's anniversary present, which was a pillow that said something along the lines of, "Hug this pillow until you can hug me" or something. Do you like hot fudge sundaes? My fat ass can't even associate with you if you don't like HOT FUDGE SUNDAES????????????? Do you like to sleep a lot? It's funny, I tend to like naps during the day, yet I don't look forward to trying to go to sleep at night. It always takes longer, and there's also the possibility of just waking back up and struggling to fall back asleep for the rest of the night. Is there a garbage can in the room you’re currently in? No. Have you ever been in a class that you thought you were too smart for? I don't think so. Can you type without looking at the keyboard? Yeah. We had a mandatory typing course in middle school, so I learned it exceptionally well. Have you ever been snorkeling? No. Who was the last person you apologized to? Maybe Sara? Do you throw things when you’re frustrated? NO. I am very conscious of not expressing my anger with physical violence of any sort. How much do you get paid at your current job? N/A Are your friends mostly older than you or younger than you? I think younger. Would you ever get a pet tarantula? Nah. Do you want to dye your hair? Ugh, you have no idea. What’s your favorite zoo animal? Meerkats, duh. Is there anything in your room you’d be ashamed to show to your parents? I'm VERY self-conscious of my artwork, so I'd be mortified if my mom saw my drawings, even though there's nothing "wrong" with them. I'm just shy about 'em. Have you ever accused someone of cheating when they weren’t? Yeah, hence the end of that day-long relationship. Him cheating was a lie from his insane ex, but at the time, I just believed it, but it was absolutely for the better. He wasn't for me. I really shoulda just listened when my art teacher literally took me aside one day and warned me about him. Wha'd'ya know, he wound up on house arrest or something similar, and who the hell knows what he's done by now. When was the last time you played hide and seek? I played with my niece and nephew some months ago. Don’t you hate when people stare at you? Fuckin' yes. I'm too self-conscious for that shit. Have you ever accidentally caught yourself on fire? Well thank god no. Are you Jewish? No. Does anyone copy the things you do? No. Is your dad still alive? Yes, yay. Have you done anything lately that you instantly felt was a mistake? Possibly. What melts your heart/makes your knees weak? Watching Mark with kids causes me severe physical pain. What would you consider unforgivable? Rape. What are your views on spontaneous human combustion? Freaky. Parasite Eve first made me think "oh shit what if this could actually happen," and I've also watched a Shane Dawson video about it, and the idea of it possibly being a real thing is absolutely terrifying. How many dryer sheets do you put in an average load of laundry? I think Mom uses one or two? I dunno. Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship? No. What is your favorite frozen treat? Ice cream. Do you have a sexual fantasy? ...What is it? There's probably something I could think up. Maybe like bang on a church pew or something lmao idk. Who was the last person to insult you? I'm not sure. What color is your brush/comb/whatever? White. Is it wicked hard for you to sleep when its hot in your room? It is almost entirely impossible. Have you ever purposely given someone wrong directions? No, but then again, it's not like I even give them. I have a horrible sense of direction and don't know street names, highway numbers and locations... What is your favorite thing to do with your best friend? I'm not sure. Everything is fun with her. Are you easily offended? It depends. In most contexts, no. Have you ever acted as tour guide for friends/relatives from out of town? Not really. If you were an anime character, would you be a yandere or a tsundere? HAHAHA I AM PAINFULLY A YANDERE. If you have glasses, do you get days when you don’t feel like wearing them? No, because I like to see. Have you ever played bingo at an actual bingo hall? No. Ha ha, this reminds me tho, I can't recall if he did it once or just WANTED to, but my brother may have gone into one, yelled "BINGO," and immediately left. Did your parents ever collect any magazines they didn’t want you to read? Uhhhh no. I'm quiiiiite sure neither of my parents had those. Have you ever pledged money to a Kickstarter and it reached its goal? No. I probably would if I had excess money and really believed in it, though. Is there a color combination that holds a significance to you? Because Jason's favorite thing in the world was the Joker, seeing purple and bright green together is one I just prefer not to see. I wouldn't call it a PTSD trigger, like I don't freak out about it, it's just like an "ugh ew" sorta thing. If you use Facebook, do you ever look at the Memories page? No. I cringe 90% of the time when they pop up. Do you have a drawer where you just throw some random stuff? No. Have you ever had to provide an alibi for something? No. What’s the funniest shirt that you own? I have a Batman one I'm trying to shrink back into that says something like "I wish I was Batman but I'm poor and hate fighting" & I love it. What is something you absolutely refuse to pay for? Idk off the top of my head. Has a stray/runaway cat or a dog ever followed you home? Cats, I think? If so, what did you do with it? Fed it with the other cats, and I'd assume Mom would've called the owner's number if given. If you could grow a beard or a mustache, would you? I'm a cisgender female so like... Is there a stranger you expect to see every day? No. What is something you take pride in? I'm proud of just how deeply and genuinely I care about people. And my writing and photography, mostly. What does the nicest dish set you own look like? All our dishes are literally the same, and they're ancient. I think they were my grandma's but given to Mom. Pattern's worn and everything. They're ceramic with a floral design. Why did you stop working at the last place you were employed? I absolutely cannot be in a position of responsibility or customer service, and the environment was way too busy. What would you do if you found out your ex was pregnant/fathered a child? I... don't know how I would react? Picturing it, I first feel like I'd be so happy for him, but I KNOW my PTSD would act up at some point shortly after and I would probably end up in a bawling ball (lol "bowling ball" that wasn't intended sorry) because "that was supposed to be me," but then I'd be fine again after I got all that emotion out. Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in front of you? Someone at school. You can smoke outside, and it's the one thing I don't like about my college. Are you very close to your siblings? Not nearly as close as I wish we were. How often do you watch the news? Never. Do you have a dishwasher? No. What is the worst lie you’ve ever told? I don't like talking about it. Well, it wasn't a lie, but I stretched the truth because anxiety's a goddamn asshole. Where is the last place you drove to? I drove to, probably home. What is your favorite Disney movie? The Lion King. I may even like the live-action remake more, but I can't say with certainty. Do you have a fan in your room? Yeah. What color is your lampshade? I don't have a lamp. Do you like to wear belts? Not anymore. What is the most expensive electronic in your room? This laptop. Only a year old and yet it's so abused with how much it's used. Are you involved with any charity work? I wish I was in the position where I could, anyway. Do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? No. Have you ever hatched an egg? OKAY SO! I remember in elementary school, maybe like 1st grade or something, we incubated a chicken egg and hatched it. I can't remember where it went. Do you chew gum on a daily basis? No, I rarely do. What brand shampoo do you use? Suave. When is the last time you went to an amusement park? Years ago shortly before the breakup with Jason and Dillon. Or Dustin. Whatever his name was. Do you have a garden shed in your backyard? Nope. Are you obsessed with anything? Y'all know I don't know how to love in moderation, not even remotely. Do you prefer non-diet or diet soda? I hate diet, and the artificial sweetener also gives me serious headaches. Who was the last person you hugged? My mom, maybe? What did you do when you found out Michael Jackson died? We were swimming in the pool while Mom or Dad was grilling, idr. What’s your best friend’s favorite band? Pink Floyd, Evanescence, and Within Temptation. What’s your favorite kind of beer? Never tried it, don't want to. How do you get songs out of your head? Binge it 'til I'm tired of it lmao. Have you seen all the High School Musicals? I've only seen the first two. Do you dress appropriately for your age? I don't know? Probably not? Do "normal" 23-year-olds wear graphic tees? What’s your favorite word? "Serendipity." What’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had? A serious stomach virus that made me puke all the food I'd eaten since birth. Do you take compliments well? Of course I appreciate them, but I get shy. Are excessive piercings sexy or trashy? Well they're definitely not "trashy," but SERIOUSLY excessive ones, I don't usually find attractive. But it really depends on the person, the size, and where. What do you put on toast? Cinnamon, sugar, and butter. The Southern cinnamon toast. Have you ever watched Fear Factor? I LOVED it when I was younger, and I still enjoy it if I happen to see it. Joe Rogan was one of my earliest crushes, too. How many songs do you have on iTunes? Over 1k. What song reminds you of summer? MAN I remember as a kid, back when I liked country, my sisters and I loved "When The Sun Goes Down" by Kenny Chesney. Big summer vibes. Has a bird ever flown into your window? OH WOW I don't think so, but I do remember one flew into the car's grill when I was very young and going on a trip. Safe to say it died.

[kriskebob-blog]

Day 3: My experiment is tested by weekend socializing

Hi friends. Happy Saturday night! Tonight I’m blogging about the events of yesterday, which I think was probably my most uneventful day so far on this dietary adventure... at least in terms of shopping and prepping interesting new meals. Both breakfast and lunch were covered by leftovers - we still had half the burrito bake left and then we polished off the salad and zoodles for lunch. According to the order of recipes as given by Dr. G, our next dinner would be spinach and mushroom black bean burritos. I took a look at the recipe. It looked like one of the simplest ones yet. A can of black beans, some minced onion and garlic, some chopped mushroom, a few handfuls of baby spinach... and then some seasoning in the form of savory spice blend (already prepped), cayenne pepper (duh of course I’d have that), summer salsa (already prepped), and then Dr. G’.s “Healthy Hot Sauce (see page 8)”. Psh. This was going to be nothing after all the cooking I’d done yesterday. Today would actually feel like more of a “normal” day where all I really had to worry about cooking was a quick dinner. It felt good and right for a Friday. Time to unwind a little, you know? We also had plans that night to meet up for a game night with some friends who had recently moved back to CT after a few years out west. 

The one thing I’d have to stop and prep before throwing together these vegan burritos was the “healthy hot sauce” but I didn’t think that’d be a big deal. I had purchased several big handfuls of fresh red chiles at Big Y that morning. The guy bagging my groceries had raised his brows. “Habaneros? Oh, man. I wouldn’t eat those,” he shook his head. I smiled politely and thought to myself, Shit. I had never cooked with habaneros before. I hadn’t realized that’s what these peppers were; the bin had only been labeled “hot chiles.” (Does anyone else’s grocery store have this tendency not to specify which fresh chiles are which?? It’s annoying honestly!) I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’ll just... use less or something if I need to, I thought doubtfully. The cookbook hadn’t specified what kind of chiles to use, it’d just specify that they be “fresh hot chiles, a single type or mixed.” I had gone for the red ones because I’d liked the idea of a traditional red hot sauce. Suddenly I wasn’t so sure about my choice, but no turning back at that point. 

Oh, and in case you wondered how my second trip to the grocery store this week went - MUCH easier! I didn’t end up needing nearly as much stuff the second time, in part because I still had tons of produce left over from my earlier visit this week and I also had less pantry items to purchase this time (didn’t need to return to Whole Foods, thank god). I did end up picking up a big container of unsalted roasted almonds and then lots of blueberries from the farm stand because I was really going to need more fast snacking options if I was going to make it through these two weeks without stuffing granola in my face. Even with two pints of blueberries and 22oz of almonds, my bill was definitely improved from last time. I’ve still spent a lot more on groceries this week than I normally would, but I had expected as much. Hard to avoid it when you’re replacing cheap staples like eggs and toast with a heaping plate of fiber every morning. 

Alright so back to the point aka what I expected to be a totally easy day of food prep. All I needed to prep that night were some simple burritos, this “healthy hot sauce” alternative, and then a snack to share when we went to see our friends. I had decided on the edamame guacamole recipe in Dr. G’s book. Since you obviously want your guac to be as fresh as possible when it’s eaten, I’d wait until we got pretty close to our planned departure time to throw it together. I figured it’d take like ten minutes maybe. 

Sam got home early and was eager to help me prep dinner like the gem that he is. “Honestly, we can probably wait another half hour or so,” I told him. “This isn’t going to take that long to prep or cook.” So we got started around 5:15. We wanted to be at our friends’ place for 7:00 so that seemed like plenty of time to cover a quick dinner and then throw together the guac. 

Except then I flipped back to actually read the “healthy hot sauce” recipe more carefully. I blinked as I realized it wanted me to cook down the chiles for nearly half an hour and then “allow them to come to room temperature.” Would have been no big deal at all... if I had bothered to read this an hour earlier. Whoops. Shit, I thought. Within ~10 seconds I decided screw it. I really wasn’t feeling too confident about those habaneros anyways and we still had a big jug of Frank’s hot sauce in the fridge. Definitely not a whole food, but what the hell was the harm of adding a tiny bit of a normal condiment here or there? I looked again at the burrito recipe. It said to just add hot sauce to taste. We could probably just skip it entirely then. Great. Problem solved. I’ll use those chiles and try to make the hot sauce another day, I thought, doubting myself even as I said the words in my own head. 

As expected, the spinach & mushroom black bean filling was super quick to prepare and cook. One thing I’m realizing is that the cooking process for a lot of these meals is honestly a lot simpler than meat-based meals (or at least so long as you have your fancy hand-made condiments, salsas, sauces, raw cashews, etc etc prepped in advance...). The vegetables often only need a few minutes to cook down, you don’t have to stop to wash your hands every time you handle a piece of raw meat or egg, and, of course, you don’t have to worry about actually cooking any animal protein. Just cook those veggies down some, season them to your liking, and you’re golden. And speaking of seasoning, I did end up adding a bit of Frank’s to the mixture in the pot. But just a splash okay! 

Aw yea. And then here’s a burrito topped with the salsa before it got devoured (it was super messy btw): 

The verdict for this one? Tasty... but again, it needed salt. I haven’t been tasting the food for saltiness before sitting down to eat it because I’ve been trying to stick to Dr. G’s sodium substitutes/replacements but I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last! I actually would have liked to see what it tasted like with some fennel seed added in; I always remember one black bean taco recipe I made ages ago that I loved mainly because of that spice’s inclusion. It’s a nice way to trick your brain into thinking you might be eating sausage. 

We cleaned up the kitchen and it was a little after 6. Our friends only lived 15-20 minutes away. “Let’s wait until like 6:30 before we put together the guac, so that it’s fresh,” I told Sam. 

This was to end up being a major mistake on my part. So, first of all, it was definitely a risky move to decide to bring something like “edamame guacamole” to a social gathering. People are really freaking opinionated about what guacamole is supposed to taste like (myself included, admittedly). I’d had edamame before and I figured its addition would go mostly unnoticed under the flavors of lime, cilantro, jalapeno, etc. 

Looks like the right set-up for the makings of a perfectly normal and tasty guacamole, no?

Sadly, it really just didn’t come out good at all. I tasted it and actually winced. There was a sharp bitter flavor that took me completely aback. “I think the edamame is throwing me off,” I told Sam, who had also tasted it and looked as uneasy as I felt. I wasn’t sure what else the issue could be if not the obvious interloper ingredient. I’d even insisted we add in some kosher salt even though Dr. G, of course, called for his “savory spice blend” instead. Guacamole without any actual salt is a freaking crime, I’m sorry Dr. G. “Add more lime juice maybe?” I suggested to Sam, as he was the one who had thrown it together (have I mentioned that he’s the best?). I also added a bit more salt. 

We tried for a long time to salvage that guac. We added plenty more lime. More tomato. We even decided to blend up another avocado to try and mask the admittedly weird presence of the edamame. I tried it again and still winced a little. It still had a bitter bite to it that we couldn’t seem to mask. “I think it might not even be the edamame... it seems like it might be the jalapeno,” I told Sam. Well. This sucked. I’d just bought a handful of jalapenos fresh from the farmstand that very morning. For maybe the first time ever, Johnny Appleseed’s had let me down, and they had let me down hard. 

We were running pretty late at this point. We hemmed and hawed about if we should stop at the store and pick up something else to bring but in the end we decided to grin and bear it, and off we went to see our friends, subpar homemade guac and freshcut veggies in tow. Our friends were perfectly polite about the guac (we had told them why we’d been late), but let’s just say it definitely wasn’t the hit of the evening. Sigh. Our first foray into sharing a Dr. G recipe with friends had not exactly gone well, but it’s hard to say whether it was the recipe itself or the bitterness of that pepper. I do know that if I made that recipe again, I’d add even more salt, cause honestly Dr. G, if even a metric f@*!-ton of vegetables every day isn’t enough to save my arteries from hypertension, I’m not sure they deserve saving anyways. 

We had a nice night seeing old friends and meeting some new ones. I will say, though, that I was agonizingly tempted by the cookies that were set out for any guest to grab. They were the huge chocolate-chip/M&M ones from Stop and Shop and anyone who’s ever been at a party with me knows I love those things, damn it. I tried not to stare too jealously at everyone else as they ate their cookies and instead I ate a couple of slices of watermelon. I’ve actually never been a watermelon fan, but at that point I was willing to take whatever acceptable form of sugar I could get! And you know, it was honestly pretty good. 

We got home around midnight and I kicked off my shoes, still sighing at Sam about how badly I had wanted one of those cookies. Unsurprisingly, he had no sympathy for me and my self-imposed first world problems. It was past our bedtime but I didn’t want to go to bed, I wanted to plop on the couch with a cookie and a beer, or maybe a nice glass of wine. Just yesterday I was writing about how surviving my first complete day of only plant-based whole foods hadn’t been that hard, but now it was Friday night, a night when Sam and I normally celebrated the end of another work week with some sort of indulgence - a dinner out, a trip to the ice cream stand, a bottle of wine or a six-pack... hell, sometimes all three. I changed into my pajamas and thought about the fact that all of my favorite vices in life seem to involve putting large amounts of sugar and/or a few drinks into my bloodstream. It admittedly didn’t seem awesome for my longterm health to be doing that even as often as once a week. And we’d still had fun that night without any of that, right? Right. 

I dutifully stuffed a final late night snack of some unsalted peanuts into my mouth and ten minutes later brushed my teeth and went to bed. Survived another day and managed to cheat only a tiny bit with my defiant pinches of kosher salt and splashes of Frank’s red hot sauce. 

Hope you’ll be back for Day 4′s write-up tomorrow, friends! Here’s a bonus: an action shot of Sammy the Sous Chef getting our veggie platter ready: 

Gadget rec of the day: A good blender! Most of us already have a blender I think, but if you really want to incorporate more whole foods and produce into your diet I think a good blender is an absolute must. I’ve only been following this diet for three days and I’ve already used our blender more times than I can count on one hand. 

Music rec of the day: “Sophia” by Laura Marling

[fanfiction-haven]

Writing prompt-Life is Strange (!SPOILERS!)

,,You live in a video game. The player character has failed. Now you, an NPC, have to figure out how to save the world.’’

I was just a normal girl from Arcadia Bay. This small town had nothing extraordinary about it, the only special or famous thing people know it from is the Blackwell school.

I am one of their first-year students. I moved here without my family or friends from Seattle, just to study photography and achieve my dream. It is clearly the best school I’ve ever attended.

Some months ago a really famous and loved photographer, the good-looking Mark Jefferson came to teach the young for the secrets of making the perfect pictures and capturing the moment.

At the same time, a new student arrived. Her name is Max Caulfield, as I found out. Once I saw her coming out of a classroom, and tried to say hi to her, but she didn’t notice. She already has her music on, so I decided not even bother trying again. As I walk slowly to my locker I wonder why I am so lost in her eyes. I’ve got the conclusion: I’ve fallen in love with her.

I knew that whatever I was doing was considered stalking, but I followed her. She didn’t go home or to the dorms, but walk straight to the bathroom, listening to her favourite song.

She walks in. I knew that I shouldn’t do it, and probably I should walk away. I wait outside for a few minutes, when two people show up. I quickly hide behind a locker. One is Nathan Prescott, I know him: a bit misunderstood, but a cool kid. The other one is a girl with blue hair. I never saw her before. They rush in the bathroom. I froze down. They looked like they are in trouble.

A minute passes, and I still do nothing. When I decide to move, I hear a scream. And a gunshot. And a scream again, but now it’s from Max. Thank God, she’s alive, I think, but I slowly start to move finally.

Then something strange happens. I black out for a minute, and when I wake up, i feel my nose starting to bleed and my head hurting as hell.

I stand up somehow and look around: students all around. Didn’t anyone noticed?

Doesn’t matter, I run to the bathroom door. When I open it, I expect blood and a dead body, but the floor is clean and I hear a toilet flush.

‘Max? Max Caulfield? Are you here? Everything’s okay?’- I ask.

The door opens and Alyssa comes out.

‘I’m not Max. Who are you? And why are you shouting?’

What the...

I push the door out and stop outside. I try to stay calm, even though I think I know what happened.

Somebody messed with time.

I knew things like that usually don’t exist, but I couldn’t come up with another explanation .

I’m sure though that that somebody wasn’t me. People can’t accidentally turn back time, don’t they?

I stop at the classroom Max came out earlier. About two minutes later she bursts out of the room and without looking around she walks to the bathroom.

I quietly follow her and hide in my spot. It all happens again and now I’m sure. It was Max who turned back time. But why am I immune?

I wait still. I don’t have enough nerve to intervene.

Then I hear the fire alarm. Luckily, seems like Max can handle the situation. The Prescott kid and the blue-haired run outside. I follow them, but look back: Max looks terrified, while a security man starts to insult her. Still, I see the principal walk towards them, so I just act cool and walk outside.

I decide to forget about what happened. I went to the Two Whales in the afternoon. For the next few days, except some blackouts, nothing happens.

It’s Tuesday, and I’m finally starting to think that it was just a bad dream. The blackouts continued, but I think they are just the signs of distress. My body reacts to the things happened to me this way. I go home to my small apartment shared with a boy, my roommate, and say hello to him. He is playing a choice-based game. I don’t want to bother him, so I just go to take a shower and go to bed. I fall asleep very hardly in general, but today was especially bad. Finally, I fall asleep, but my dream is like a complete mess. I am usually able to control my dreams, and do nice things, but not today. I see a tornado, and Max. Max in a photographers room... Tied up? There are flashes. She is crying, begging someone not to drug them. I try so hard not to wake up that it hurts. Finally, she says the magic word: Jefferson. Is it fucking possible that the most loved photographer kidnaps children to take photographs?

I wake up because someone slapped my face. It’s my room, or more like housemate.

‘Jeez, are you okay? You freaked me out. Don’t ever do that again, okay?’

‘Hey... Hey. I’m sorry. Just a.. uhm... Bad dream’

‘You screamed like hell and cried. By the way, your nose is bleeding again. You should go to the hospital to take some tests... I’m no doctor but I’m sure it’s a bad sign. Jeez’

‘Thanks. I’ll be okay’

He nods and leaves the room. I know that I should be thankful, but maybe if I could be able to stay longer I would know more.

I go out to drink a fast tea. I think really hard, then I realise that it was probably really just a nightmare. I have a way too big crush on Max that I think she’s got suoerpowers. Anyway, Jefferson is a photographer. Why would he kidnap school kids when he can have professional models? Duh.

The blackouts continue during the day. I didn’t attended school for the last three days. Just draw and doodle the whole day, and be unconscious 30% of the time. Then have some nightmares about Max being teased.

It’s almost night, none of the kids are in the streets, because today is the Vortex clubs’ party. I hate things like that. Elite children plan it, then everybody goes there and tries to show how cool they are. I go and just wander in the town. I suddenly see a train stop just before me. I see that it has one door open. My senses say I shouldn’t, but I start to run and jump in. The train starts moving the moment I put my feet in.

I see the forest as I go. They say some years ago this whole thing burned down. I can imagine the destruction. But it regenerated now; there are some old junks though that show the fragility of nature.

Some time passes, i don’t even know how much. I lost my sense of time. I spot a junkjard and jump of the train. It’s dark and I’m hopeful I didn’t break my bones. I start walking down when I see a flashlight. I jump in a bush, trying to stay quiet and not to scream because of the pain the little spikes of the bush are causing.

It’s Max and the blue-haired. Max is lighting with her phone.

‘Chloe, be careful! We could die!’

‘Max, we should hurry. That asshole might have already put Rachel away!’

They are talking about Rachel? The famous girl who disappeared? Put her away? Put Rachel Amber away? Is she dead? What?’

I follow them from far. At one point they crouch, and Chloe starts to speak.

‘She’s still here.’

Everything happens so quickly. Max backed out, and someone pierced her with a needle. She cries for help, Chloe turns around... And gets shot in the head. What. The. Fuck.

Then Jefferson steps to Max. Shit. The dream was real. I’ve gotta help her!

But Jefferson pulls her to a black car. He looks around, so I pull my head down. Shit. I hope he didn’t see me...

Seems like he’s not. He closes the car door and drives away. I must help Max. This is crazy!

I follow the trace of the tires. He isn’t going far. After about half hour of walking and shrieking like hell, I reach and old barn. The car is there. I try not to make any noise, and slowly walk in. But there’s nobody. Just a trap door left opened. But suddenly, I black out.

When I wake up, I feel weak. But I know that I’m willing to sacrifice myself just to stop that fuck. Oh shit, he is going to jail, I will make sure of that!

I go down the trap door.

(Will be continued later, I’m just tired af)

[bittersweetff]

1. - meet & greet.

C A S S A N D R A.

Candy crush was the only thing capturing my attention as my feet continued down the busy sidewalk. I was on my way to the tenth acting audition this month, and my confidence level was somewhat dwindling by the second but I had a feeling this audition would be different. I couldn’t help but remember the conversation I had with a close friend of mine. And just as he popped into my head, a chirping sound erupted from my phone from the man himself.

chase: bruh another audition? you’re missin’ out on this joint.

I sighed, knowing a blunt would’ve been the best to solve my anxiety before this audition. A few short seconds have gone by and I’ve finally decided to compose a text message.

me: yes, but this one feels different. match up when i get home?

It wasn’t long before he replied back. My eyes quickly scanned over the street signs and it took me a minute before I realized I was a block down from my destination. Mentally prepping myself and summoning the last bit of confidence I had, I jogged across the street. Before walking in, I casually fixed my blouse and took a deep breath.

“Welcome, come sign in please,” the lady at the front desk spoke low without making eye contact.  Not only did my anxiety heightened but my palms were starting to shake tremendously. I took my time walking to the front desk with my eyes glued to my phone, I read Chase’s text hoping he’d give me some type of luck.

chase: nigga you said that about the last one. but i got you, & don’t be stutterin’ during the audition either. lmao!!!!

Instead of the encouragement, he managed to make me even more nervous. I pouted and shoved my phone back into my back pocket. Niggas really ain’t shit. Walking up towards the desk, I secretly scanned over the lady before picking up the nearest pen to write my name, phone & address on the sign in sheet. I scanned the rest of the room and noticed there were a few people lounging in the wait area. Great, the chances of me getting the part are extremely low now. Worst case scenario, I’d have to get a real job and wallow around in my spare time. I randomly sat next to the boy whom looked the most confident in the room. Hoping his confidence would rub off on me. Throwing my leg over the other, I patiently waited for my name to be called. It wasn’t long before the boy beside me finally looked up from the rehearsal sheet and turned to observe me.

“I’m guessing you came to tryout for Juliet’s part, correct?” His voice was soft and his smile was wide. I returned the smile and shook my head, “Not quite. I’m trying out for the mother.” I said above a whisper.

“Ha, you’re too attractive looking to play the mother.” He laughed, “Besides, if you were to get the part of Lady Capulet do you realize you’d make Romeo reconsider fuckin’ with Juliet,” He chuckled some more causing me to laugh at his stupidity.

“I can see it now. Juliet move out thy way you’re blocking thy view of your mother!” He continued on, as we both laughed at the visualization. I placed my hand over my mouth to muffle my urge to laugh loudly. He continued making jokes and laughter eventually began to take over the silence of the waiting room.

“Oh, I’m Lilo by the way. Glad to be the cause of your laughter,” He smiled and reached to shake my hand.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Cassandra.”

Another, more stern voice is what snatched our heads in the direction of a lady reading from a clipboard.

“Lilo Styles,” Her voice was loud and sounded irritable, “You’re up next.” Her eyes gazed upon every person in the waiting room before she turned on her heels and walked back into the room. She didn’t seem amused with the crowd but that didn’t bother Lilo. He shot up from his seat beside me and continued to the door. Now I was all alone, and my anxiety was driving me insane.

C H A S E.

Found myself glancing at the clock for the twelfth time in the past hour before turning my attention back to the backwood I was in the middle of stuffing with marijuana. Couldn’t tell you how many blunts I took to the face, but I wasn’t tired. Grabbing my phone out of my pocket, I shot Cass another text before my phone began to go off again for the second time. Immediately, I smacked my teeth as I read over the contact name. Wynter. Can’t duck and dodge her forever. Without hesitation, I answered the call. Mentally preparing myself for the fuckery waiting to pour from my phone.

“When the fuck you gon’ come see ya’ baby nigga?” She said, instantly causing my temple to throb out of annoyance. I had no clue why females think it would be cool to pin someone else’s baby on you but I was starting to regret messin’ with her ass.

“Bruh, you know that’s not my baby. Chill the fuck out,” I mumbled into the phone, bringing the backwood up to my lips to seal it.

“I knew you wasn’t shit when I first saw you! Hoe ass nigga! And this is ya’ baby because I named him after you!” She started raising her voice.

“You keep duckin’ and dodgin’ me nigga. What you need to be doin’ is sending me money for your big head baby!” She bellowed.

“Look, I’m cool with getting a DNA test done. But you’re not about to trap me and have me taking care of someone else’s baby, Wynter,” I spoke calmly as I finished sealing the backwood and placed it behind my ear.

“Mhm, DNA test my ass. Why can’t you believe me? It’s yours Chase,” Her voice was beginning to get soft, almost as if she was on the verge of crying. This conversation was making me have thoughts of taking care of a child. Maybe she was right? What if the baby was mine?

“Man, I don’t know. We only had sex once. The chances of you getting pregnant from that one time,” I shook my head, running my free hand over my face. I was silently praying she wasn’t gonna cry on me, “Besides, I’m pretty positive I strapped up anyway.” I added, forcing myself to go over every little detail of that specific night.

“So! Chase, you act like condoms can’t break,” She spoke with a slight attitude causing me to smack my teeth. Seconds go by and my phone rang again, informing me I had another phone call. I pulled the phone from my ear and looked at my notifications. Unknown number, including a text from Cass. I declined the number and read over Cass’s text.

cass: omw, hoe. have the blunt ready to go, i’m sweatin’.

“Look, Wynter, I gotta go,” I responded after minutes of silence. I’ve had enough of these mind games from women. A nigga already stressed as it is, now I gotta worry about the possibility of having a child.

“Yea, sure you do. Go. Run off. Do you, Chase.” She snapped. Not giving me a  chance to speak before she decided to hang up on me. A heavy sign escaped from my lips as I tossed the phone on the coffee table placed in front of me, not giving any thought to the unknown number. I threw my back against the cushioned couch and removed the blunt from behind my ear. I could hear the doorknob squeak before Cassandra bursts through the front door.

“I could’ve been getting my dick sucked and you wanna burst through the door,” I chuckled, placing the blunt between my lips as I rummaged through my pocket for my lighter.

Cass’s laughter captivated the room as she made her way over to the couch. She wrapped her arms around my neck as if she was putting me in a headlock, “I guess but who would really suck that shrimp of yours,” She laughed some more. I smacked my teeth and shot her a look, “Yea, nigga, okay.” I muttered.

Cassandra released her grip from around my neck and hopped over the couch to sit beside me with her legs pulled up to her chest. After minutes of me digging in my pockets for a lighter, I gave up.

“Really, Chase. You had one job.” She shook her head and noticed my struggle. She pulled a purple lighter out of her purse and held it up to the blunt in my mouth. I took the longest hits of the century before passing the blunt to her.

“Yea, yea. Nigga you’d never guess who called me on some bullshit,” I muttered as I exhaled the smoke through my nose.

“Wynter, and don’t ask me how I know,” She spoke, taking the blunt from my hands and placing it between her lips. I looked at her with a side eye and did exactly what she told me not to do.

“How the hell do you know that?” I shifted in my seat, turning myself towards her.

“Duh, she was ventin’ on social media and I kinda guessed it was about you. Plus, Wynter is always on some bullshit,” She laughed, french inhaling the smoke. She took a few more hits before passing the backwood back to me.

“Yea,” I said while shaking my head, “She says her baby belongs to me though,” I added lowly, slouching deep into the cushioned couch and smoked more of the blunt, “I don’t know what the hell I’m suppose to do.” 

Cass turned herself towards me completely. I noticed her face scrunched up in confusion before she started smacking my arm and chest.

“Are you dumb? Why are you getting attention seekin’ bitches pregnant? That’s the move now?” She spoke loudly with each blow to my arm and chest causing me to choke on the smoke I was in the middle of inhaling. I removed the blunt from my mouth and continued my fit of coughs.

“You crazy? No that’s not the move, and who the fuck knows that’s probably not my baby!” I spoke through each cough. The pain in my chest began to grow due to my coughing, “I haven’t seen her in over a year,” I held out the blunt to Cass before positioning myself comfortably on the couch again.

“She’s probably tryna trap you like she did her last dude,” She shrugged, taking a few hits from the blunt. She decided to plop back down on the couch beside me. The blunt was almost gone and by now we were both high as fuck – eyes low and red.

“What happened wit’ her last dude?” I asked, curiously.

“Long story short, she told him she was pregnant just so he can stay with her.” Cass giggled lowly, “She wasn’t pregnant. Dude was all confused when the 9th month was up and she didn’t pop.” She laughed harder, laying over the arm of the couch.

“Have you seen the baby yet?” She asked me after her fits of giggles seized, pulling at her sandals and tossing them on the floor.

“No I haven’t, actually,” I responded, “Now that I think about it.”

As if the conversation never happened, Cass handed what was left of the blunt back to me and pulled herself up from the couch groggily. She disappeared down the hallway, and left me in my thoughts.

X A V I E R.

Not only did my dick of a brother decline my phone call but now I’m out here walking around in the same ol’ white tank and grey sweats I was arrested in. It’s been a whole decade since I’ve had what many call freedom. I was locked up a few weeks before my 14th birthday, and walking down the isolated street and enjoying the October breeze was enough to make a nigga emotional.

I tried to remember the address of Chase’s place. I couldn’t tell what time it was since my favorite watch got snatched up from the officer that placed the cuffs on me years ago, but it felt like it was almost 2am. I grabbed my tank by the collar and tugged until the fabric split in two. No need having anything that reminded me of what use to be.

Allowing the torn tank to fall to the ground, I shoved both of my hands in the depths of my pockets and continued strolling down the street. I started to become familiar with my surroundings and it wasn’t long before I remembered where my destination was but I decided to stop by the local gas station before going home.

It only took me a minute or two to get there, and of course, I was greeted by the Arabic woman stationed behind the cash register. I nodded her way without any words and made my way to the back of the store. I only had a few wrinkled dollars in my pocket so I had to make sumn’ work. Grabbed me a can of Arizona Tea then made my way to the woman.

Placing the tea on the counter in front of her, I also gestured that I wanted a few backwoods from the shelf behind her. She did as I asked. Good girl. And it wasn’t long before I made my way out of the store & down the block to my bro’s crib.

I downed the tea and crushed the can before tossing it over a fence near by. I walked around towards the back of the house and tried to open the door like a regular person. Figuring out shortly after that all doors and windows were locked, my blood started to boil.

“Now if I shot this bitch up I would be a crazy ass nigga,” I muttered to myself.

I forced myself to take a few short breaths then decided to do what any other nigga would do. Bust my ass through one of these windows. I shoved the pack of backwoods in my back pocket then proceeded to pick the closest window and began using my elbow to break through. After minutes of trying, I finally succeeded. Tossing my leg first into the window, I lifted myself up and slide right through.

I noticed a small curvy figure was hovering over my body once I hit the floor. I wasn’t even given the chance to get up before what looked like a bat started slamming into my rib cage. The force was growing intense, and memories began flashing before my eyes. Now the pain traveled towards my back, shoulders and head. I remember the guards use to have friendly sessions coming into my cell just to beat on me and see how much pain I can take. Usually when they were done I was laying in a pool of my own blood. 

The beating was getting a bit painful so I reached and grabbed ahold of the figure’s ankle and yanked as hard as I could. The figure’s fall was followed by a girlish scream. Now we were both on the floor, and the bat a few feet away from us. I took this time to regain some strength.

The door busts open, and I take a quick glance.

“Cass, the fuck you in here doin’,” Chase spoke lowly, wiping the sleepiness from his face. He made his way to the woman on the floor and helped her up, then he came to me.

“Yo, bro! You home already?!” He spoke excitedly, and attempted to help me up.

I grabbed his reached out hand and lifted myself from the floor. I was slouched over with one hand over my left rib cage. My eyes scanned over Chase and then the unknown woman standing by the door way with the metal bat in hand, glaring at me.

“Yea, I got out a few hours ago,” I choked out, “The fuck was wrong with ya’ phone you couldn’t answer my call nigga,” I spat, slightly having the taste of blood lingering in my mouth.

Chase smacked his teeth as a small smile laced his lips, “Didn’t know that was you, nigga,” He chuckled, “But I’m glad you’re home.” I chuckled in response, “Glad to be home.”

“Oh, yea, this is Cassandra. She lives here with me.” Chase nodded his head towards the lady by the door. My eyes shot directly at her, and her gaze shot in the opposite direction.

“She’s cool people,” He added, “One of my close friends, ya’know?”

“Yea, yea. Shut up, you probably fuckin’ shorty,” I laughed, ignoring the abdominal pain from my urge to laugh.

Before he could even form words to respond, a soft but stern voice bellowed from behind him. “You shut the fuck up. We are strictly friends,” She scuffed, rolling her eyes.

“Can we make this lil’ meet and greet quick, I was trying to sleep before bum over here wanted to disturb me.” She spat in my direction. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Who is this itty bitty bitch speaking to? “Watch your mouth slut before I fuck it,” I responded with a sly grin plastered on my face.

“I think you had enough fuckin’ in prison, fag.” She muttered, turning her head in the other direction. Chase didn’t allow me to spit another comeback at her but he managed to yanked me out of the bedroom and down the hall.

Not sure if I was surprised or aroused that a woman had enough balls to come at me. I took a glance at Chase and chuckled. “Yo, she’s just tired. She not really that snappy, bro,” He laughed too.

[temeraaires-blog]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Season 2 Song Starters

SUPER long post and some  a lot of these are nsfw. Feel free to change pronouns/names/do whatever. 

Theme Song

I’m just a girl in love.

I can’t be held responsible for my actions.

I have no underlying issues to address.

They say love makes you crazy.

Love Kernels

I can live for days off a single “you really listen to me.”

I’m like a sexy fashion cactus.

But how do I know he loves me?

I guess the only way to prove it is through abstract symbolism.

He gives me love kernels.

If you read between the lines he’s saying “I love you.”

I’m the most important person in his life, next to his friend.

God, I’m thirsty after all that popcorn.

Whatever you got, baby, I’ll take it, baby.

Your house smells like lemon.

I’ll take it.

It’s a stretch but I’ll take that too.

______ is now played by a broom on a stand.

We’ll do our best with what we have.

We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now

We should definitely not have sex right now.

I need time to reflect.

I’m in a really weird place.

There’s no reason to have sex again. But I’ll be ready to go again in ten.

Maybe This Dream

When I was a little girl, I felt like a princess.

I thought my dreams would come true, but then as I grew, the world was all like, "Nope.”

Maybe this dream won’t end in disgrace.

Maybe this dream is in reach.

Maybe this dream won’t be like my vibrator, breaking when I need it most.

Maybe this dream will finally me feel like I deserve a dream.

Greg’s Drinking Song

There’s joy and there’s glory more than you can think.

Yes, this is what happens to me when I drink.

I pee my pants!

Wow, I did not know it was that bad.

Chase down the regret with some gin for good luck.

I puke on my cat.

Poor little ____ did not expect that.

What happens when, I try to have one it just turns into ten.

That wasn’t a woman?

No, it was a bush.

So that’s where that scar comes from!

But he’s breaking his cycle and making a push!

He’s quitting his drinking.

I Could If I Wanted To (Reprise)

Whoop de frickin’ do.

My best friend is sleeping with my ex behind my back.

Who cares? I don’t.

But I could if I wanted---

Ping Pong Girl

Sports!

I could tell she’s the most perfect girl who’s ever existed.

Oh man, look at her pong that ping.

She does it for herself and that puts my fears to rest.

BRO!

She’s so aloof it borders on cold. And that’s what makes me want her.

Nothing’s hotter than a chick who’s good at sports.

She scored a thousand points!

I think I love her.

Ping pong shows she has control of her body, but it doesn’t threaten my masculinity like basketball or hockey.

She’s like Serena or Venus

She’s so indifferent. It makes me want a tangible commitment.

The Math of Love Triangles

What’s a girl to do when she’s stuck between men?

I wasn’t really listening

The center of the triangle is little ol’ me!

So I need to decide which man’s more acute.

Those are good puns, but please pay attention.

We’re starting to suspect you don’t sincerely want to know about triangles.

Is this a triangle?

No that’s a shoe.

No that’s you.

So I’m a triangle?

What? No!

Ooh, are you erect?

That’s really erect!

We’re tired of all your tangents.

You all deserve a kiss.

Lady, we’re all gay. We get nothing out of this.

It Was a Shit Show

I love you, yes.

The thought of staying is so enticing.

Then stay.

When you speak, my knees get weak.

I can’t believe what I’m sacrificing.

But let’s get real. We know the deal.

Darling, let’s not tiptoe.

This thing we had was not just bad. It was a shitshow.

We can’t undo, can’t make amends.

Disfunction is our lingua franca.

We can’t unscrew each other’s friends.

There’s hard to get, then there’s neglect.

To say it’s fate, you’d have to be a bit slow.

Not to be crass, but this sucked ass.

This was a shitshow.

We have chemistry, of course. But that’s a formula for divorce.

Oh what the hell, let���s get a hotel.

Life is short, and we’re not getting any younger.

But after sex what happens next...I mean, in the long run. Not just fatigue and hunger...

And when you say that I should stay, that’s exactly when I should split, though.

Though I won’t forget, I won’t regret.

Though I won’t forget, I won’t regret this beautiful, heart-stopping, breathtaking, life-changing…..

We Tapped That Ass

We tapped that ass all over this house.

Sometimes him. Sometimes me. Though never simultaneously.

But one of us was hitting it, usually.

That bed is really uncomfortable!

Right? It’s like a prison cot!

What? Too cheeky?

A little to the left/right

Wait! No, you’re doing it wrong. I’ll do it myself!

Barkeep! What’s on tap?

How much more tapping could one ass endure?

Thought Bubbles

Well, I don’t mind being alone.

I’m not afraid of what enters my mind when I’m so low.

I’m perfectly capable of taking of advantage of this time.

No, I don’t mind being alone with my thoughts.

That’s a bad thought!

I don’t like that thought!

What happens if I go to hell?

Chill out.

If I can’t hit the gym how will I ever be a good father?

Friendtopia

When my friends and I stick together there’s nothing we can’t do.

I specifically mean we’re going to stage a coup.

Squad goals!

A dystopia around our friendship

There’s a really exclusive sushi place that never lets us in.

Let’s just go home and drink rose.

I put drugs in the water supply.

Aww, I love Hocus Pocus.

Zig-a-zow!

Stuck in the Bathroom

Get me out of here!

Tonight was already super weird and now [you’re/she’s/he’s] stuck in the bathroom.

I have a deceptive amount of muscular strength thanks to my amazing core.

Her little bird arms aren’t going to do anything!

Whoever renovated this house did a terrible job!

I can’t believe it took us that long to come up with the most obvious solution.

Research Me Obsessively

Hey, what are you doing for the next, like, thirteen hours?

Don't do anything healthy. Don't be productive. Give in to your desire.

Find out everything you can about me

You Go First

We used to be there for each other, every second

I really wanna tell you that I'm sorry!

I really wanna tell you that I am the worst!

I just want to say I miss you every day!

This is almost entirely all my fault here. But you gotta admit it's just a tiny bit your fault too.

Sometimes you can be really passive aggressive!

Sometimes you can be really self-involved.

Go ahead and say you're kind of sorry! So I can say "Oh, no, no, no, please!” Just like I rehearsed!

If you open the door, I'll apologize so much more.

[But] You go first!

So Maternal

Parenting ain’t harrowing, demanding or traumatic!

Step aside ladies, give your babies to a Carol Brady level matriarch.

Low expectations - Raise ‘em up!

You know, I guess I just instinctively get how to be a mom and that's what sets me apart from other "mothers."

Damn, I’m so maternal!

Duh!

Duh! What was I thinking?

Can’t believe I couldn’t see it all along.

Don’t know what was going through my mind!

I’m just like -- ugh! God, I’m so stupid.

Looking back on old times. Like that one time. And that other time.

It’s so obvious!

Duh!

Who’s the New Guy?

Who's the new guy? I don't trust him

Do we really need a new guy this far into the season? And by "far into the season" I mean it's almost fall.

He's suspiciously good looking. In ways that normal people are not

Is this someone new we're gonna have to grow to care about?

Why should we root for someone male, straight and white?

We’ll Never Have Problems Again

We’ll never have problems again!

It's only smooth, smooth sailing from now on…

We used to have problems but now they're gone.

Do you remember, back when we had problems?

Man, that was annoying.

But now our love has magically solved [our problems].

And there won't be any more [problems] in our future at all!

Fine. I guess I’ll just Soul Train out of here.

The first test failed but that’s ‘cause it wasn’t true love. 

They say obsession biologically lasts four years at most but science doesn't apply to us.

Remember That We Suffered

But before you feel too great...remember that we suffered!

But we sing in a minor key to remember that we suffered!

Being happy is selfish!

You have no idea what pain is!

When I say 'we' you say 'suffered'!

Santa Ana Winds

Hello there, it's me.

I make things weird

That's science for "a pain in your asses"

They just got Santa Ana winded!

I'm a prankster. Tee-hee-hee-hee.

I just wanna see what will happen

You're looking really guilty

That kiss was all your fault!

I just reveal your deepest wishes and fears

So it's you, ________. It's not me who is super weird.

You ruined everything.

Let’s Have Intercourse

Unfortunately, I want to have sex with you

I don't know what happened

For some reason, you're now on the top of my to-do list

Let's get this over with so I can focus on other tasks

Just pretend I'm seducing you

Let's quickly have intercourse so I can move on with my life

Once we do it, it'll be like “Well, that's what that was like.”

I mean, obviously you want to, too

Just super quickly have intercourse

Sometimes my body wants things that my mind does not

My body wants things that make my mind go, "Uh, body, what?"

We're animals It's unfortunate.

So come on, let's contortion it!

I won't be back to normal till I see what your nipples look like.

Until we stop wasting time talking 'bout it and we super quickly, it'll only take a second, have intercourse.

Good thing I happen to have an old condom In my wallet

You’re My Best Friend (And I Know I’m Not Yours)

You’re my best friend, and I know I’m not yours.

And that’s okay.

I’m not your best friend.

I’m okay.

Friendship doesn’t have to be a two-way street.

I don’t need a shoulder to cry!

Your best friend is somebody else. But I get it.

I love you like a sister and you love me like a second cousin.

I said it’s okay! Really!

Man Nap

It’s a man nap!

Time to nap like a man!

Life is so tiring when you’re a man.

It’s exhausting being so damn strong.

‘Cause when a man gets older, his testosterone starts getting low.

Tell Me I’m Okay, Patrick

You represent the outside world because you don’t know me.

No pressure, but I seriously need to know.

‘Cause I think I’m fine ______, but I’m only, like, forty-three percent sure.

I’m sorry that I yelled.

Tell me I’m okay.

Period Sex

It’s period sex.

Put down a towel, party till it’s dry.

Are those sheets expensive?

I’ll Venmo you back for your sheets.

I hope you can get those sheets again.

What a Rush to be a Bride

Can you believe you snagged him?

Forever you will have him standing right there by your side.

I’ve been picturing this day since I’ve been a little girl.

Why veer from the classics?

Rebecca’s Reprise

You’ve gotten everything you’ve ever wanted.

It turns out magic exists.

Everything in the past will just fade away.

I’ll never have problems again.

[sexierthanaheartburn-blog]

13 Reasons Why - The Most Important Person in 13 Reasons Why is You - Theory

13 Reasons Why. Can I just start how if I had to choose just ONE series to watch forever - it would probably be 13 Reasons Why. The whole concept of the book is so powerful and brilliantly executed despite me having my initial doubts when I first saw the trailer.

If you have been living under a rock, 13 Reasons Why follows the story of Hannah Baker - a classmate who had killed herself. Couple of days (or weeks in the series) later, one of her classmates, Clay Jenson, receives a set of cassette tapes in which they are numbered 1-13. 13 is significant as there are 13 reasons why Hannah Baker died and whoever is receiving the tapes is one of them.

There are two rules:

1. You play.

2. You listen. When you finished, you pass it on to the next person after your tape. The last person to receive can decide what he/she wants to do with them.

Bear in mind that if you don’t follow the rules, there is a second set of tapes that is entrusted by a person that will be released in a very public manner if the rules are not followed.

For your own safety and mine (because I don’t want to  get dozen of hate mail saying I didn’t warn you), SPOILERS. MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF SPOILERS.

As this theory suggest bluntly in the title, what’s up with the ending? It was a bit anti-climatic where Clay and Tony drive off with Skye and Tony’s boyfriend but trust me - there is a whole lot you missed!

ME: Firstly, who is the most important character in the series?

KID #1: Hannah Baker.

ME: Why?

KID #1: Because Hannah Baker killed herself duh. This is a series revolving around her whole life. This is the 13 Reasons Why she killed herself.

Well, I think the most important character in this series is…

Skye Miller.

and why?

Skye is Hannah Baker.

Hannah Baker is Skye.

In a metaphorical sense,  (but that’s another theory!). Skye was in a state of  depression even before Hannah committed suicide and with Hannah, Clay watched her slip away. Numerous times in the show (not the book), we know Skye and Clay were on good terms before being almost strangers and have an ongoing rocky relationship. Skye could literally be the next Hannah Baker. She self-harms and despite she said “suicide is for the weak”, we cannot draw out the fact that Skye must have been suicidal at one point or another.

Clay is so obsessed with these tapes and to seek his own form of “justice” that he forgets the people around him - his parents, Tony and Skye. He must have had fallen out touch with Skye as he was shocked and even angry when he found out the Skye self harms.

Because at the end of the day and no matter who has done what, Hannah Baker is dead. There is no way of getting around that. There is no miracle or an antidote that can resurrect her from the dead. Hannah Baker is dead. She’s gone. It’s true that Clay is pining over a dead girl. He and probably every one else on the tapes (excluding Bryce) must have thought that if they had done something different along the line - Hannah Baker would still be alive. 

The only thing you can do to prevent this happening again is to change. Hannah Bakers tapes is so significant because we never think for one minute the person that we maybe pushed down the halls or we ignored committed suicide. Watching this, I sort of had a list of people - or my Thirteen Reasons Why if I ever did what Hannah did. But then I realised, would I be on anyone’s Thirteen Reasons Why?

The true test of her tapes was not just to pass it along and to live with the guilt that you actually driven a girl to commit suicide. No, the true test is to prevent it from happening again. So, when Clay sees Skye walking down the halls, he asks: “Are you okay?”

The three words. Three words to change someone’s life. If anyone asked that on the day that Hannah died and brought the razors, maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t have died.

Because Skye was the test.

She could have done the same thing as Hannah. But the difference? She had Clay. Clay noticed something wasn’t right.

Here is another vital scene.

CLAY: “But, before you go, I want to show you something super cool.”

COURTNEY: “Clay, cut it out.”

CLAY: (with sarcasm) “Look at these lockers! They all look alike, right?” (Clay goes over to Hannah’s locker and points at it.) “Not this one.”

(Jessica and Sheri comes along to watch what Clay does. Interestingly enough, the people the crowd near the left hand side are most of the people who are on the tapes.)

CLAY: “This one is special. It belonged to a girl who killed herself.”

COURTNEY: (cleary exasperated) “Clay, come on.”

CLAY: (with anger) “You see all these “don’t kill yourself” posters up on the wall? They weren’t up before. They put them up because she killed herself. And why did she do it? Because the kids here treated her like shit.”

JUSTIN: (tries to grab Clay) “Jensen, that’s enough.”

CLAY: (with pure anger) “But no one wants to admit it so they paint over the bathrooms and puts up a memorial because that’s the kind of school this is. “

(now everyone in the corridors is now watching Clay’s outburst.)

CLAY: “because everyone is so nice until they drive you to kill yourself and sooner or later, the truth will come out.”

(pause)

CLAY: “It’s going to come out…”

(sees Tony walking in which is oblivious to what had happened just now)

CLAY: “Right Tony? Right? You know the truth.”

MR. PORTER: (with anger) ”Clay. I think you should come with me right now. Get to class, everybody.”

(pause)

MR. PORTER: “All of you, get to class.”

CLAY: “Welcome to Liberty High.”

Now here’s the thing. Even when Hannah died, no one noticed the suicide prevention posters. Everyone assumed it was there because “it was a good message after Hannah died” but no one acted upon them. Even before Hannah died, she was aware there were helplines (as reminded by her teacher in Communications) but she didn’t want to ask help because she thought that she was broken beyond repair. Even Mr. Porter didn’t do shit.

So, it’s the classmates themselves that make an impact. The fact that someone cares if you wake up tomorrow or not. Before Clay acted, no one cared about Skye. Hell, no one talks to her in the scenes we see and is a lone wolf.

The most important part to this theory actually doesn’t come from the show. It comes from the book.

“Coming out of Mr. Porter’s class, Steve Oliver nods his head and smiles. The student form the other locker rounds the corner into the hall, almost colliding into Steve.

She whipsers, “I’m sorry,” then moves around him to get by.

Steve looks down at her but doesn’t respond, just keeps up his pace. moving closer to me.

“All right, Clay!” he says. Then he laughs. “Someone’s late for class, huh?”

Beyond him, in the hallway, the girl turns. It’s Skye…

Part of me want to ignore it. To turn around and keep myself busy, doing anything, till second period.

But Skye’s walking down the same stretch of hall where I watched Hannah slip away two weeks ago. On that day, Hannah disappeared into a crowd of students, allowing the tapes to say her good-bye. But I can still hear the footsteps of Skye Miller, sounding weaker and weaker the further she gets.

And I start walking towards her…

A food of emotion rushes into me. Pain and anger. Sadness and pity. But most suprising of all, hope. I keep walking.

Skye’s footsteps are growing louder now. And the closer I get to her, the faster I walk, and the lighter I feel. My throat begins to relax.

Two steps behind her, I say her name.

“Skye.”

p.g. 286-288 - Jay Asher’s - 13 Reasons Why.

Why is this important? Skye was going to leave the same way as Hannah. Remember when Hannah left the school like that - it was the same day she died. This must be more than foreshadowing. “her footsteps growing weaker.” Weaker is a powerful adjective that suggest Skye is falling slowly in which she can’t get up. Her existence was fading away. Weaker suggests she was losing the reason or the will to live. She mentally and physically weaker then she was in freshman year.

Only difference? Clay.

And that’s why it ends like that. The book and the movie. The word Skye and in the Netflix adaption, Clay and Skye leaving the school together.

Skye was the true test if Hannah’s tape had any effect on them whatsoever.

But, that’s just fiction and after you read this, you would probably just think “oh, that’s a pretty good theory, then just ignore this post.”

Here’s reality:

On average, one person commits suicide every 16.2 minutes. That’s nearly 121 people in a day. The time you have spent watching 13 Reasons Why, 39 people cause of death was due to suicide.

That’s the real message.

You can make all the difference.

At first, I didn’t want to make a theory for 13 Reasons Why was because I just couldn’t “theorise” the circumstances around death. But, suicide is a big issue and this is my post dedicated to the theme to help prevent it.

Let me finish of by expanding this theory.

13 Reasons Why most important person is you. You can make all the difference. The audience has a vital role to play. These characters are just characters. What matters is what you do now to help others.

If you need help, please seek it.

I’m here.

We all are.

I care about you.

Are you okay?

-sexierthanaheartburn

[autisticbee]

I’ve told you now

Rhys has kissed a few people in his life but he’s pretty sure this is the best one, less about the technique however and more about how much and how long he’s wanted to kiss Vaughn

It feels like a relief, like an itch you can’t reach going away or when you wake up & have a drink when your mouth had felt like a desert or-

Yeah, he’s not the greatest at metaphors

Also on AO3

“Y-you, you IDIOT” Vaughn says, but there’s not a hint of malice in his town as he drags Rhys down by his collar into a bone-crushing hug

“S'rry” Rhys mumbles into his hair, he feels weak and tired and honestly? He just wants to sleep for like, Forever.

“If you’re going to get into vault hunting business regularly then we’ll gonna have to get someone to put a tracker on you” Sasha says to Fiona, She has an arm around her sisters’ shoulder, She’s smiling but her eyes look wet.

Rhys looks at his little mismatched family & thinks ‘I never want to be apart from them again’

He forces them all into a group hug.

////

They’re standing in the makeshift kitchen when Vaughn hands him it

“Um,” Rhys stares at the blade in his hand, made of sharp stone & a handle that isn’t really a handle just the less sharp end of the pointy stone wrapped in cloth

“What’s this for?”

“Hunting” Vaughn says it so nonchalantly that it’s hard to believe this is the same guy Rhys has known most of his life, who used to be squirrely with danger.

Rhys balks

“Nuh uh, no way I am not going to hunt, What, Rakks?” His face pales. “Do you know how hard is trying to get past them alive when you have one arm & your other side is bleeding out. I may as well have had a giant neon sign on me saying EAT ME I’M RIGHT HERE”

Vaughn winces and Rhys knows why (He feels guilty, guilty that he hadn’t been there, guilty that Rhys had to fix himself all on his own. But that’s silly it’s not Vaughn’s fault, he couldn’t have known-)

“Okay; okay. Since you’re a guest, I guess I can let you off pulling your weight”

“Uh, am I really a guest when I plan to…”

“Plan to what?” Vaughn’s eyebrows knit in confusion

Fear grips Rhys’ chest, He thought that he was-that he could.

 'I can’t be alone’ he thinks to himself ‘not again I can’t I can’t I can’t I ca-’

“Rhys?”

“Sorry,” Rhys laughs self deprecatingly “it was just so lonely yannow? I guess I hadn’t thought about. Going back.”

“Wait. wait, you don’t want to go back?”

Vaughn sounds surprised, why does he sound surprised OF COURSE he doesn’t want to go back. Not alone, god he can’t-

“You don’t have, like, employees?”

“Uh no, just me myself & I” he aims for a smile but it drops when he sees Vaughn frown

“I mean…I knew you were alone at the start but the way you were talking…I thought. Rhys, I’m so sorry”

“It’s not a big deal. It’ll get there eventually you know for a business I had to rebuild from scratch it’s doing okay”

“You want to stay”

Rhys deflates. “Yeah, but uh I can see I don’t really fit here I guess and that’s fine! Really! You have your thing and I have…mine.”

“Rhys dude no, I want you to stay. I just didn’t think you wanted to, like, how could you even run a business from here?”

“I’d figure it out” Rhys says quickly “I just,” he draws a shaky breath and scrunches his eyes shut,

“I don’t want to be alone; I’m tired of it okay? AND I’m tired of being separated from the people I love, Thank god I was with Fiona or I would have lost my goddamn mind, I missed Sasha, Yvette, Loader bot, Gortys and” he pauses breathing in “You, duh”

“I missed you too” Vaughn does then actually smile. It’s small and amazing, 'kinda like Vaughn’ Rhys muses

“I just got you all back, got you back then…the vault…”

“We didn’t really get any time to catch up”

“Guess not” Rhys shrugs

“You can. Stay, I mean. I’d say I can’t imagine being without you but I actually can & I can tell you it, uh, sucks”

Rhys ducks his head; smiles “don’t go soft on me Mister bandit king”

“Pfft, Me? Soft? Never”

They both start giggling; Rhys places the blade in his hand on a tall wooden box that’s used as a counter

“You uh, you have really come into your own” Rhys places a hand on his shoulder “it’s a good look for you” he winks for good measure

Vaughn raises an eyebrow “you’re talking about my abs right?”

“Well, no-I mean I knew about that already, and I kinda meant overall with the hair and beard and your overall confidence”

“Confidence,” Vaughn repeats flatly “Is a good look for me?”

Rhys feels his face heat up

“Yeah, it’s like glaringly obvious how hot you are now. I mean you were always hot but now it’s like you can’t ignore it hot you know? Um, I’m going to shut up now”

Vaughn blinks slowly, Rhys might be imagining it but he swears Vaughn’s cheeks are tinged with pink.

“You think I’m hot? You’ve always thought I was hot?”

Shit. “You’re twisting my words Bro, I meant like you’re objectively hot alright? Anyone could see that”

“I don’t think Dave from human resources would agree with that, we could ask him if you want”

“Sure, and he will agree because I am right!”

“Dude if anyone even existed that was considered universally hot, it definitely wouldn’t be me”

"WRONG, dude c'mon I’m surprise you didn’t have everyone falling all over you I mean, you’re hot and a waaaaay better person than I could hope to be and smart and funny and really really strong like wow and-”

“Dude, stop, no one thinks that, that’s just You.”

“So what are you trying to say? That I’m, I’m-” 'Kinda in love with you so maybe that makes me a little biased’ (but it’s all true, regardless)

“Lying ‘cause you think that will make you a good friend?”

Rhys splutters.

“How DARE you, I’ve been having a crisis over my big gay crush on you that’s suddenly decided I can’t ignore anymore and you think I’m LYING???”

Rhys clamps his mouth shut

“Rhys”

“You did not hear that, alright, this is just, this is all just a bad dream! I’ll wake up and everything will be fine-”

 "Rhys”

“-Maybe I do need some more time to myself, a little solitary confinement because apparently I can’t keep my brain to mouth filter in check so-”

“RHYS” Vaughn shouts

"Huh?” Rhys shrinks back a little. He’s never been exactly afraid of Vaughn before, not really but the fire in his eyes makes him feel more than a little intimidated

“Exactly how long have you had this Big Gay Crush on me” Vaughn says, complete with finger quotes

"Uh,” Rhys thinks back in his mind trying to place a moment but it’s hard.

His memory is shitty, he remembers being 14 and getting drunk with Vaughn giggling about nonsense and thinking about how cute he was

He remembers being 19 and down in the dumps and Vaughn giving an inspiring speech how Rhys was gonna make it through college and they were gonna make it up the corporate ladder because they are the best and nothing is gonna stand in their way

Remembers being 25 and getting a Hyperion arm to replace the prosthetic he had most of his life, Vaughn risking his hand for Rhys to grab it and test out his grip (“Too tight” Vaughn had said through gritted teeth. “Sorry” Rhys had said sheepishly while loosening his grip)

And very recently, remembers being 28, reuniting with Vaughn and seeing his kind face and realising

Realising-

 'Oh crap, I’m in love’

Rhys rubs a hand over the back of his neck “a while”

“Care to be more specific? Cause I will be”

“Wha-”

“It was practically the moment I met you, I mean we were just kids but I felt, something. And it just kinda grew and grew until I realised when I was like. Um, well I realised the crush when I was like 17 but the.” Vaughn pauses

“Vaughn…are you saying…?”

“Just shh a second okay? Let me finish this or I never will. So I had this big crush but I didn’t wanna risk our friendship by telling you so I didn’t…but man, there were so many times in like the last year or so that I thought we were gonna die or that you were dead and I kept thinking I’ll never get to tell him about the crush part never mind the L-love part. That.”

“You…”

“I love you Rhys” Vaughn’s’ face now set in determination

“Oh” Rhys feels like the air has been knocked out of his chest

“Yeah….I realise that’s heavier than a 'crush’ anndddd I’ve probably creeped you out, I mean friends get like little crushes on each other all the time they just, they don’t-”

“I’m in love with you” Rhys blurts out because again, no filter. Also no build up, man he sucks.

Vaughn stares at him for the longest time, then smiles. Not a small smile but a big one that reaches his eyes.

“I didn’t think you could ever…see me like that”

Rhys moves his hand from Vaughn’s shoulder trailing it down his arm then grabbing his hand

“Yeah, well, I do. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific but I’ve been into you for like years, dude”

Vaughn brings his free hand to Rhys’ collar, tugs a little so Rhys cranes his head down

“Can I?” Slides his hand up over Rhys’ cheek, his thumb just touching his lips to make his intentions clear

“Hell yeah” Rhys mumbles

Vaughn moves his hand from Rhys’, despite his pouting, bringing it to his shoulder to brace himself, Rhys gets with the program and wraps his other arm around Vaughan’s waist to help bring him up to meet Rhys’ lips

Rhys has kissed a few people in his life but he’s pretty sure this is the best one, less about the technique however and more about how much and how long he’s wanted to kiss Vaughn

It feels like a relief, like an itch you can’t reach going away or when you wake up & have a drink when your mouth had felt like a desert or-

Yeah, he’s not the greatest at metaphors

Vaughn pulls away slowly but Rhys still takes a moment longer to open his eyes

When he does, Vaughn can’t help but laugh a little at his dazed expression

“What? What is it? Was it that bad?”

“No, god no that was…amazing but it’s just, you look so out of it Bro!”

“Bro? Really?” Rhys raises an eyebrow

“Would you rather I call you? sweetheart? babe? cupcake?” Vaughn laughs some more until he sees Rhys’ stricken expression

“Are you okay?” He asks, voice full of concern

Rhys shakes his head “Uh yeah, I’m fine it’s just…um”

“Just um?”

“It’s silly, it’s just when Jack was in my head he used to…call me pet names. To be? I don’t know, condescending, charming, manipulative? All of the above?”

“Oh shit, I didn’t even think about that I’m so-”

“Hey hey hey, you couldn’t have known okay? It’s not your fault”

“Well…is there anything I could call you?”

“Love of your life?”

Vaughn gently hits Rhys’ prosthetic arm

“Ow!” Rhys tries his best to look betrayed

“I specifically made sure that didn’t hurt,” Vaughn rolls his eyes, “can that arm even feel hurt?”

“It’s the sentiment behind it that hurt” Rhys pouts

“Alright, sure, want me to kiss it better?”

“Absolutely”

Vaughn snorts, but does in fact kiss his arm. It’s cold as fuck.

“Cold as fuck” Vaughn complains, but Rhys is too pleased as he feels tingles run into his system. His prosthetic can’t quite 'feel’ in the organic sense but it senses touch that in turn send signals in the form of pleasant buzzes, almost like getting an electrical shot. Only not, because it felt good

“Can you even feel that?” Vaughn asks as he pulls away and tilts his head slightly to the side

“Mmm, sortaaaa. You know what I absolutely can 100% feel though?”

“Maybe not tonight” Vaughn flushes

Rhys’ eyes widen “I did not mean that, I mean I definitely want to sometime if you want to, but I just meant you could, uh that is I would like if you…kissed me again?”  

Rhys suddenly looks very nervous & fondness blooms in Vaughn’s chest.

“Of course” he leans up again and kisses Rhys, a little firmer and this time Rhys brings both arms around Vaughn’s waist

“Cold” Vaughn mumbles against his lips, but he presses back a little against Rhys robotic fingers, and Rhys remembers oh yeah, Vaughn is mostly shirtless these days, and runs both hands up Vaughn’s bare skin. He presses him closer

Vaughn’s beard feels all kinds of interesting moving against him, slightly scratchy but strangely satisfying against his own mostly smooth face “Can I…try something” Vaughn gets out, pulling away for a moment

"Sure” Rhys’ neck is starting to ache & he’s both glad and peeved at the reprieve

“I’m going to uh, pick you up”

“Oh. Okay?” He feels a flip of excitement in his stomach

“Yeah”

And with that he scoops up Rhys into his arms (like ice cream, Rhys’ brain suggests and then has the embarrassing thought of 'Vaughn, oh fuck, please eat me’)

There’s a makeshift table that’s somewhat low to the ground, Vaughn carries him over & sits him on it, Rhys parts his legs & Vaughn stands in-between them, so now Vaughan’s face comes a little bit above his own

Rhys grins up at him mischievously, then tugs Vaughn down on top of him as he lays back

“This wasn’t the plan” Vaughn tutts, then goes right back to kissing the life out of Rhys

Rhys’ hands grip tightly onto Vaughn’s’ shoulders, Vaughn’s’ hands are each at the side of Rhys’ head supporting Vaughn’s own weight

“You are like, Ha, really really strong” Rhys gasps out as Vaughn moves his lips down his neck

Vaughn pauses and looks up at him, his gaze is so warm that Rhys flushes redder than he thought possible at this point

“That could prove to be super fun” Rhys says, sounding more confident than he feels

“Oh, it will be” and Vaughn winks which is so not fair because that’s Rhys’ thing and he can’t really deal with this

He turns his head to the side trying to merge his face with the table, whining as he does

“Wow, I never realised it was this easy to get you hot and bothered”

“Only for you pal, you’re hot and I’m bothered. By that. The fact that you’re hot, it’s really…frustrating”

“Such a way with words”

“Shut upppp, why should I use words anyway when there are much better things I could be doing with my mouth” Rhys wiggles his eyebrows.

Vaughn splutters “God, you are such a dork”

“Mhmm”

Rhys has a hand curled around the back of Vaughn’s head to bring his face closer, presses kisses to his cheek, nose, ear, whatever he can get a hold of, “But I’m your dork”

“Yeah,” Vaughn pushes his face into Rhys’ neck, exhaling softly

“And I’m yours”

[theblemishblogger]

It all started in 2016...

I was never the girl that knew the latest beauty secrets or trends or did much in the way of staying current on my skincare regimens. But I was also never the girl that struggled with acne in my adolescent years. If I remembered to wash my face, great! If I didn’t, no big deal! And then 2016 came along, gave me a swift kick in the pants, and served me a big ole dish of humble pie right to the face (literally.) It almost seemed like overnight I had become riddled with adult acne. At the time, I had been out of college in my first post-graduate job for about a year and a half. It was a high-stress job that required a lot of time and travel that left me little time to exercise or eat correctly. I was confused, embarrassed, and honestly angry. I now had to deal with my vanity – something that was never a high priority for me. I was buying make-up I didn’t know how to use to cover up acne that I didn’t know how to deal with, which only aggravated my skin and me more.

As soon as I realized this was more than just a random breakout and was going to be a long-term problem, I started to research what might be causing this sudden rebellion. My quick Google search yielded the following possibilities:

1) Change in Hormones (I decided to stop taking my birth control about 4 or 6 months prior to the start of my skin’s demise, so this definitely seemed like a real possibility to the change in my skin since a large part of the brand of birth control I had been taking for almost a decade was a synthetic form of progesterone aka hormones. But it is now four years later, and things are about the same.)

2) Food Allergies (My whole life I had eaten pretty much whatever I wanted whenever I wanted because I am the human version of a garbage disposal, so I was not so sure this was the reason. I had read several articles and seen firsthand from friends and family that you can absolutely develop a food allergy later in life, but I was pretty skeptical this was my problem since the only side effect I was experiencing was my sloppy looking skin and not any GI problems others had faced.)

3) Diet (In referencing the above, my diet could definitely stand to see a few changes. Whose couldn’t? But at the time, I was not willing nor was I financially or realistically capable of doing a major diet overhaul in the form of whole foods, paleo, etc. I also felt like I ate enough of the good stuff to counteract the bad.)

4)Stress (My job at the time was extremely stressful, but I had been about a year and a half into it, so why now? Why this sperm?!**)

**Reference to Legally Blonde. IYKYK.

5) Medications (See #1)

6) Bacteria (No shit.)

7) Clogged Pores (Again…no shit.)

Several drug store “dermatologist-recommended” face washes and face masks later, I decided this issue needed professional grade assistance. I consulted a dermatologist who diagnosed me with adult acne (ok, duh) and was prescribed Doxycycline, Epiduo Forte, and Clindamycin. Within a week I saw my skin transform back to a façade that was familiar to me, but after a couple of months I was back to being a total pizza face. I had to stop the Doxycycline because it is not intended for long-term use, and once my skin figured out a way to rage against the topical machines, my wallet could no longer figure out a way to pay for them.

To recap, I got bad adult acne out of nowhere at the end of 2016, tried to troubleshoot on my own for most of 2017, went to a dermatologist at the beginning of 2018, temporarily fixed my face for a VERY pretty penny through middle of 2018, and now here we are.

By Summer of 2018, my face had started to regress a little with bouts of bad acne every now and then, but it still was not anywhere close to being clear or back to “normal.” On top of that, I was now dealing with the aftermath of my adult acne – scarring, pockmarks, an uneven complexion, and dark spots. The silver lining in all of this was that I had just started a new job that was going to help me correct my very out of whack work-life balance. 

The start of a new job paired with the fact that I was going to be in my brother’s wedding in less than a year made me more determined than ever to nip this thing in the bud. I sure as Hell was not going to be the one to ruin the wedding photos with my Freddy Krueger looking face! From Summer of 2018 until my brother’s wedding in the Summer of 2019, I got a facial once every three weeks, upped my skincare routine with top of the line products, and addressed my scarring by completing several microneedling treatments. (A big thank you to my credit card for the abuse it endured during this time.) I was looking something FIERCE! But alas, all good things must come to an end, and once my brother’s wedding was over so was my obsession in making sure I had flawless skin. I was still taking care of it, but I was no longer getting my monthly facials or repurchasing the entire line of Skinceuticals every few months. My skin seemed to be doing well and maintaining a clear enough complexion. I was still seeing an occasional flare-up, but it was not as bad as it had been, which brings me to the present year –  2020. The year that will be synonymous to many as the year of Coronavirus. But to me, it will be the year my acne came back with a vengeance.  

So, if you have made it this far, you may be asking yourself what is the point of this blog? What am I aiming to accomplish here? My purpose is multi. After suffering from what has seemed like a never-ending acne nightmare, I didn’t want my struggles to be for not. I wanted to show what struggling with acne really looks like for a common person. I had been toying with the idea about documenting my journey with skincare for a while. Over the last few years, I have looked to A LOT of “beauty bloggers” for advice on skincare, and the common trait they all shared was that they seemed to already have perfect skin. I am sure people like me are out there, but I had yet to come across a blog or Instagram account that featured someone with skin that was riddled with pimples rather than porcelain. And don’t get me wrong! The maintenance of skin once you hit your stride is equally as important as getting it cleared up! But I had never seen someone document their skin from breakouts to brilliant. That is what I hope to do here. 

For anyone who is struggling with similar issues and cares to follow along, I hope I can be a resource or at the bare minimum, a comfort. But really, more than anything, I want this to serve as a way to keep myself accountable to really nail down the root cause of my skin’s suffering. I want this blog to serve as somewhat of a mix between a time capsule and a daily journal of my face. I want to be able to look back and point to a time where my skin looks horrific and be able to say “well I ate like a monster and was on my period, so no wonder I broke out” or be able to pinpoint a time where my face was PERFECT and say “oh yeah – I used xyz product and ate this and was at this point in my life – no wonder it looks like a dream!” So here is my plan. Every day (or every day that I can remember), I intend to document the following:

1) A Picture of My Face (Up close and personal without a filter)

2) Daily Food Intake (I suspect this is going to be the hardest part)

3) My Menstrual Cycle (Hey, if we are going to really do this thing, we have to consider each and every factor!)

4) My Workouts 

5) Daily Skincare Routine (I know *major eye roll*. But let me clarify! This is NOT going to be your average beauty blogger’s blog. I am not trying to get sponsored or get a million followers here. I simply want to share, in real time, what is and is not working for my skin while also documenting as many other contributing variables as possible. If this ends up being helpful for just ONE other person who has had a similar experience to my own, the purpose of this blog will have been fulfilled! And to be honest, I really love my job, so this is more of a passion project anyways.)

6) Daily Water Intake

7) Miscellaneous Variables (Basically any other significant variable that I think may be contributing to my skin’s behavior like lack of sleep, air travel, or sun exposure)

In keeping track of these things, I hope to take a deeper dive into some of the causes of adult acne I listed earlier in this post to see if any are major contributors to my skin’s condition. Who knows what I will do or find along the way! Maybe I will finally take a food allergy test only to learn that I am gluten intolerant and that’s why my face is a mess. Case closed!

For anyone who reads this, I hope you view this blog as genuine and transparent. I am a NORMAL person with REAL skin problems (as shown in the pictures to come.) If you have advice or questions, bring ‘em on! I am not a professional, but I will try to help if I can or at least point you in the right direction. Until next time.

Blemished but Beautiful,

The Blemish Blogger