#heartaches out and about

[howmanyheartaches]

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This year has been going pretty great so far - got that major thing that I manifested AND going to Japan is just around the corner 🥰 I was also able to catch up with all the people I love and wrote a ton of articles!

[dollypopup]

"Colin should have grovelled more!" "Penelope folded too easily"

I think statements like this typically come from people who like Penelope. . .but don't really understand her. And don't really understand just why she cares for Colin, and just why him groveling would not in any way bring her peace.

Penelope and Colin are kindred spirits in their loneliness, in season 3 more than any others. Penelope had lost her friendship with Eloise, and Colin didn't really have a close friend circle to begin with. Except with Pen. Pen was the person he could put the mask down for, could open up to, (in particular with their 'dreams' discussion) and that's why he couldn't even entertain the idea of giving up talking to her in Season 2. She is a vital part of his life, and holds so much significance and importance to him.

I imagine that's what made their silence over his travels especially painful for him. They spent such a long time talking after Season 1, and he even informs her that her letters were so encouraging, that it helped him heal something inside of himself. That if she could see him in a gentle way. . .so could he. (And he repays this, because he is honest to god out here acting and looking at her like she hung the moon in the sky). But without her presence in his life, he spiraled. Didn't feel confident in being who he is, and thus put on his persona more firmly. We know this because he wrote in his journal that "I want to be less needy, less insecure, while still maintaining the core of my vulnerability that makes me who I am". That he misses his family, that he misses home.

And we know, from the books, that Home? Home is Penelope. Penelope is his North Star, is his guiding force, and who I argue he feels he needs. In his very first scene, he looks toward her house, tries to find her in the window. When he does not, he returns to his family. In the outdoor gathering, he looks for her and finds her, eager to talk. He states aloud that he misses her, and I imagine he wrote it, too. Not hearing back from her over the course of his travels was surely something that hurt him, but he doesn't hold any ill will toward her for it, only wants to reconnect again. In fact, the one and only time he brings up how he misses her and that she didn't respond, she makes very clear the reason why: she heard what he said and it hurt her. And he's ashamed of it.

Colin hears her call him cruel, and instead of ruffling his feathers about it, instead of getting upset, instead of having a chip on his shoulder as I feel so many men would about it. . .he understands why she does so.

Penelope is a woman who has been largely treated poorly in her society. She feels unheard, she feels undesired, and in her circumstances, and I can't help but ask myself. . .has anyone ever truly apologized to Penelope for hurting her, before? Her mother? Her sisters? Eloise, likely, but. . .anyone else? And the way Colin did? Because of all the characters in the show, Colin? Colin knows how to apologize. He has a lot of practice in it. And very importantly: Colin, a man of privilege in his society, apologizes. . .predominately to women. To Marina, to his mother, and multiple times to Penelope.

Ultimately, Penelope wants to be heard, Penelope wants to be understood, Penelope wants to feel desired.

And Colin checks every single one of those boxes. He informs he is not who he was before, and then he proves it to her. He hears that he hurt her, and he comments on it directly. An entire night apart, and he comes back to her 'Because I embarrass you' with 'I am most certainly not ashamed of you', replies to her 'I am a laughingstock' with 'you are clever, and warm, and I am proud to call you my good friend'. He hears her proclaim her own insecurities, and empathizes so deeply with her. He listens. He understands. He makes clear that he cares for her, and that she *is* desired. 'You lift my spirits' 'I seek you out at every social assembly'. That she helps him see the world in ways he loves, that he sees HER and how much she has cared for HIM, that she makes him feel appreciated, that he appreciates her, in turn.

And then? Then? He shows her. He tells her, and he shows her. His actions all throughout Season 3 reinforce this apology. He continues looking for her in every corner of every ballroom, he continues complimenting her, he laughs at her jokes and respects her boundaries, he is ever so gentle with her, he listens to her with an attentiveness that no one else has ever given her. To Lady Whistledown? Sure. But to Penelope? Who else in the entirety of that ton has listened to Penelope the way Colin has?

Absolutely no one.

Penelope Featherington ghosts Colin Bridgerton for months with no explanation, and Colin comes back wanting to reach out to her, and she finally tells him why.

And he apologizes. Because he listens. Really, truly listens. And really truly cares.

I need you to understand how rare that is, even nowadays, but especially back then. That Colin is the kind of man who can put his hurt to the side and realize he made a mistake, that he said something callous, and he adores her, and he can't lose her, and he has to see her and make it right.

Because that's why Penelope fell for Colin. Not because he's beautiful, not for his charm, not for his family. But for his heart. Because he shows her kindness in a world that so often disregards her. Because he seeks her out and tries to understand her, truly hears what she has to say and compliments her, says he's sorry and looks at things from her perspective.

Because he saw her when she was invisible.

Penelope Featherington, who grew up in a house that made cruel jabs at her, has Colin Bridgerton come to her and say he regrets what he said, and that he was wrong, and that he understands why she's mad at him. Penelope Featherington who has so rarely had much of anyone tell her that they're sorry for what they said about her, sits before Colin Bridgerton as he professes how much she means to him. That he cannot even spend a full day away from her knowing they're on bad terms with each other without making it right. That he sees how she is hurting and he has to in any way he can amend it. She is lonely, with no one really in her corner at the start of season 3, and she feels like she lost it all, and Colin comes to her and says 'no, I'm here and I appreciate you and you are special to me, please let me in and let me prove it'. Is it any wonder why after she shakes his hand, she stands in the sun, and she feels the warmth of it, she can smile? That she can breathe, again? That she can be truly content for the first time in the season?

Because Penelope Featherington does not want Colin to beg. She knows him. She knows the tender, full heart he hides behind the new cavalier persona. She knows the soft underbelly of Colin Bridgerton.

He never had to grovel. All he had to do was love her. Assuredly. Fervently. Loudly. Unapologetically.

And he does.

[aminawriting]

My first love

You still haunt me and I do not dream

Your laughter still rumbles even when you have left me.

Your smile still lights up my darkness even if you no longer smile at me.

Your tears break me even though I've never seen them.

And you're my love even if we'll never reunite again. My first love. One I'll never forget.

[keikoayano]

So like. Eurylochus had that torch until those last couple seconds when he helped the other crew member up off the floor and passed it off to them, right?

[operationladybug]

Inbox closed until I can get this number down to less than 100. It's slow-going because I had a couple hundred on my main account that I haven't quite gotten through yet. I'm so sorry, I really am! :(

QUICK NOTES: We are not vetters. We have no connection with the vetting process. I also try to reblog posts with important messages, discussions about oppression and bigotry, and the celebration of the cultures and livelihoods of those worldwide who have been/are currently victims of the west.*

Mainly run by @saintverse right now.

[skrunksthatwunk]

yyh cast pet type headcanons!!

i am thinking about them and i am giving them animals to hang out with. yeag

hiei - falcon

falconeers don't really own their falcons. it takes a long time to build trust with them, and they can fly away at any time. they are wild animals

i think hiei would appreciate that untamed quality, and the speed, sight, and skill of them. i think he'd want a capable animal companion, if any at all

note: kuwabara would be freaked out by the emphasis on competence/functionality as well as the impermanence of it. he views animals as creatures to be protected and cherished, while hiei would rather spend time with something capable, self-sufficient, and useful (stealing this idea from my eikichi fic bc i think im right)

the closer an animal or an animal-owner relationship is to a baby/baby-parent relationship, the further he wants to be from it. it grosses him out a Lot. to him, it's like adopting an adult and then babytalking it

most peer-like relationship with animals

kurama - chia pet lol ferret/rat

i think he'd enjoy small, clever troublemakers

there's some tension inherent with kurama owning any prey animal (i think they sense his foxness), but if he finds one that isn't bothered by it, i think they'd get along just fine

enjoys training them

could keep them in his hair lol

somewhat used to short lifespans relative to his

relates to them and how they feel as animals to some extent, but he's much more likely to take control via a caretaker role than treat them as peers, like hiei

botan - chinchilla/sugar glider

i just think she'd like something soft fluffy and exotic. just seems like it'd suit her :)

pretty strong anti-reptile anti-bug bias. they freak her out

open to birds of a certain flavor. i think she'd like doves and pigeons for their dumb sweetheart-ness

also most likely to get something like a mini pig or a pygmy goat, though i think she would feel quickly overwhelmed by them

kuwabara - cats

obviously. *gestures to canon*

if i had to guess at a reason for it i'd say it's a matter of feeling appreciated. you generally can't get cats to do anything they don't want to do, so that means when they show you love, it's extra special. and i think his perseverence with challenges could help him win over even the most reluctant of cats, as well as his gentleness and unconditional love towards those critters

i think kuwa likes winning animals/people over and feeling chosen and seen

strong preference for very social animals, particularly mammals (so not, like, hermit crabs). i think he'd like dogs too

hates mice, so kurama's rats would be a bit weird for him

not huge on fish or reptiles, but willing/able to admire the coolness of them after freaking out for a bit. not huge on bugs and usually doesn't get over that

yusuke - it's complicated

i hate to say it but i don't think yusuke's really an animal person

HOWEVER. i do see him having a 50-year love-hate relationship with a sassy parrot. idk why i just think he'd argue with a bird

less used to short lifespans relative to him, would probably do better with something that lives longer, i.e. a parrot, while he's adjusting to that reality

bonus points bc he's kind of a bird (puu bird imagery)

though i think he'd appreciate feeling wanted and loved, i don't know that the responsibility of a pet would make him feel grounded and secure (i.e. kuwabara), but more anxious and constricted.

his carefree lifestyle would conflict with high maintenance pets, so he probably avoids them for a long time until he's ready to settle down

i think he likes dogs like he likes kids. they're cool to spend time with, but he's probably not gonna feel ready for them until they get dumped on him. i can see him dogsitting for keiko.

shizuru - cats, but for different reasons

a bit like hiei, i think she appreciates self-sufficiency and independence

not huge on kittens, see above

would really like a very chill very lowkey cat

yukina - hear me out. it's not birds

ok. i know birds are probably everyone's first thought bc of her bird friends at tarukane's, but i have a counter-proposal:

i think yukina loves birds but wouldn't want to trap them. she strikes me more as a feeding-birds-at-the-park type + knows what it's like to be trapped (and resents it)

she would be very willing to take in a wild bird that, due to injury or illness, could not be re-released. i think she'd love that

instead, i propose: hermit crabs and brine shrimp

yes im making her be into sea monkeys

my justifications for this are pretty limited. i mostly just think she'd be really into little guys. and i think she'd have a bit more interest in pets that would be considered weird or boring by others (i.e. cockroaches, beetles, tarantulas), especially if they come from non-icy climates. i can picture her holding everything from an iguana to a maggot with similar enthusiasm. but i think she'd likely start with small aquatic guys

plus, she feels a lot less bad about the trapping thing because they need to be in water to survive. it feels more right to her

anyway i just feel like she'd enjoy aquatic stuff. maybe because it's novel, if the ice world was too cold for them to be accessible

i like to think there's ponds on genkai's property that she could put koi or turtles in

oh dude can you imagine her with a frog terrarium bc i can

likes mammals as well, but fascinated with cold-blooded creatures due to novelty

keiko - hamster/gerbil/dog

i also struggled with her a lot, but i think she'd be a dog person

AND i also think she'd be into those small rodents, i.e. hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs (for smth bigger). maybe she had a few as a kid and never really got bored with them like others did. quite passionate about their value as pets, very upset about how they are treated by broader communities

part of me says she'd want a little dog and part of me says she'd want a huge rowdy dog (a bit like yusuke), so maybe she can have both. as a treat :)

though if i had to place anyone as interested in raising farm animals (as livestock or as pets), it'd be her. idk why but i can see her caring for geese and pigs and stuff. she wouldn't mind the hard and often dirty work of it

genkai - tortoise

i think she'd appreciate a slow-paced, low maintenance kinda guy

long lifespan bonus

it's really easy for me to imagine a big tortoise on her compound just free roaming

or perhaps little turtles in ponds around the property

plus turtles kinda inherently have old lady swag to me

toguro - snake

he's used to things kinda climbing all over him

also appreciates the low maintenance aspect

would probably look at a snake dislocating its jaw to eat something whole and go "would you look at that,, you're pushing your limits to feed yourself,,, for you it's a matter of survival. truly i have much to learn" or some shit

sensui - chickens

uh. i don't have an explanation for this one. i think he and itsuki would raise chickens that's all

i think he would carry them under his arm and he'd like watching them walk around

koenma - dwarf hamsters

just the tiniest little fit-in-your-palm types. makes him feel bigger

i can just imagine one of those wire cages behind him in his office idk vibe checks out

[kindahoping4forever]

Ash with Jordan Greenwald on IG

[escapismqueen]

If I had a pound for every time a piece of media I love kept apart two (imo) queer characters who were clearly in love with each other and instead decided on a straight couple endgame, I’d have SO MUCH FUCKING MONEY BECAUSE THIS SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME

[presiding]

formerly an essay in tags but - billie lurk. half-nameless, misremembered woman. her powers derived from the things taken from her, without any catharsis or empowerment. the rat charm, tied with deidre's hair, her lover's voice in the mouth of rats. her arm and eye, taken, given back only to cause her chronic pain, then lost again. foresight seems a cruel gift for a woman who botched the timing of her takeover of the whalers, and bet wrong when it came to delilah.

she never bore the outsider's blessing; his first visit to her was more like an assault. every other dishonored POV character gets the choice to be selfish, and for that selfishness to mean something, but billie's actions have no effect on the world at large, either, in a game without a chaos system.

some say that corvo is the ghost, but he can reach out and change things. billie's buried herself twice and come back and nothing she does seems to matter - she is less a protagonist, more a convenient full stop in the narrative.

try this: open doto, start a new game. sit in her cabin. notice how little of billie there is. even the woman she loved more than anyone has the face of another named character.

she sits amongst the assets of other games: empty canvases and a dressmaker's mannequin that wears nothing.

[betweenlands]

i am so deeply emotional about sbk right now. how the hell does a server this good exist

[thedreadvampy]

My housemate is moving out in January

She told us this a week or two ago, when she sat down and, after sitting with us watching TV for over an hour, said "hey so I bought a house and I'm moving out. We agreed on 2 months notice so I won't move until the end of January."

The last time she talked in the immediate terms about buying a house was in 2021, when the sale she was working on fell though and she was unemployed so it was a "when I'm back in a position to look I'll start looking again." Since then I've occasionally asked her how she's doing on the house buying front and she's been like "oh I'm getting there financially" but hasn't mentioned anything concrete.

She didn't tell us she was looking at places. She didn't tell us she had put in an offer. She told us when the offer was finalised. A week AFTER she emailed the letting agent about getting out of her part of the lease. And, it increasingly feels like, only because the letting agent's response was that we had to agree to change the lease.

The letting agent's response (which our housemate obviously didn't copy us into; we had to follow up separately and they copied us into the email chain) also includes that when we change the lease, they're empowered to change the rent, quote, "no cap". Rent was already going up in January - there's no possibility of Sam and I paying her share of the rent.

The really fucking upsetting thing is we're not strangers. This isn't a casual "housemate we found on flatshare" thing. She and Sam have lived together literally their entire adult lives. Me and her have known each other well over a decade. I lived in her and Sam's flat when I was homeless. We were the first people she came out to as trans. We're not super close but I thought we were fucking friends. And she's literally gone out of her way to not talk to us about this for what must have been months while the sale completed - which means she's lied to my face at least once cause I've asked her about her finances in that time (cause she's in a job she hates that she only took to get the house money, so it's like. when we've been commiserating about work stuff I'm often asking 'are you almost free?'). she literally went out of her way to talk to the letting agents before talking to us about putting us in a situation where we could lose our fucking home.

And she keeps. trying. to pretend nothing's happened. Every time I've seen her since then she's not mentioned anything or apologised or anything, she just keeps chatting away and offering hugs and fistbumps like nothing's happened. Like we're still fucking friends.

All it would take for us to still be friends and to be happy for her would have been one fucking sentence in the groupchat like "hey, just put an offer in on a house" or "I'm looking at properties, just so you know, that might happen in the next few months". Like nobody begrudges her for buying a house! It's very cool for her! She's 31 she's worked really hard to get the money I would love to be happy for her! Unfortunately she decided avoiding conflict is more important than giving the people she fucking LIVES WITH (who btw fronted her a month on the rent here while she was unemployed and agreed to take on a larger proportion of the move-in cost back in 2021, if we're still holding ourselves to shit we said 2.5 years ago), so no, you are not entitled to our friendship or to going back to normal.

like if she'd been honest with us it would have been something to process but we'd have had time to figure out our next steps. instead she's left us in a position where we have to find a new roommate before she gives her one month notice, which means finding someone by the end of December, which oh look that's the middle of the fucking Christmas holidays. and she didn't tell us anything until the START of December, or copy us into her conversation with the letting agent, meaning we still don't know what the rent on that space will be so we aren't yet in a position to advertise it. Has she offered to help find a roommate? Has she fuck. Has she offered to help out by moving her move-out date? Nah, she's moving as soon as she gets the keys because, quote, "that means her finances won't have to change". SOUNDS LOVELY. NOT HAVING YOUR FINANCES SUDDENLY CHANGE. I THINK THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY REASONABLE FUCKING GOAL.

Thirteen fucking years she's lived with Sam. Four fucking weeks over Christmas she's left us to figure out a way to not turbofuck our living situation. And she's got the fucking nerve to try and pretend we should be interacting like nothing's changed. Jesus Christ. What a fucking unhinged way to treat...anybody, honestly. never mind the friends-your-entire-adult-life part. literally cannot imagine a scenario in which I would buy a house without telling the people I lived with.

(haha actually this is what my parents divorced over so apparently it's not unusual. although at least my dad had the decency to tell the woman he shared finances with at the point he put in an offer not the point the fucking sale went through.)

Like we'll be fine. It's a huge city centre flat with decent rent and queer housemates, hopefully even when the rent goes up it'll be an easy sell in a city with a huge housing shortage and big queer community. We've got a couple of people interested already, sight unseen - worst case scenario we have to live with someone we don't get on with. And it's given Sam and me a push to look at our own finances and as of today, we've got a mortgage decision in principle and can start looking at flats in the area - mind, we'll be transparent upfront and tell any prospective housemates that yeah, we're looking to buy and move out in the next 6-12 months, and we'll tell them if we put an offer in, because we're decent fucking people who aren't going to spring that on someone out of the blue.

But it's been I think 2 weeks and I'm so fucking angry I could spit. It's such a fucking betrayal. And frankly you know selfishly like. I just had a breakup a couple of months ago, I'm in the middle of moving jobs, both me and Sam have a history of housing instability and this has been the first decent, stable, safe, not-mouldy not-freezing home I think any of us have had, and this is so fucking triggering and upscuttling I could just start biting. like I was talking to my friend about it last week and it's just like. Can I have One Fucking Thing of the three main tentpoles of survival - home, work, relationships - that are fucking stable right now? because shit has been In Flux lately. and at least the work and relationship stuff has changed because of my decisions. going through all that work to make myself short-term unstable to gain long-term stability has been really hard and draining and then just as I was reaching the crisis point with work stuff BOOM, IT'S HOUSING INSTABILITY WITH A STEEL CHAIR. fuck. seriously fuck this and fuck her. we're going to make something good come of it but what a deeply, unbelievably shitty thing to do.

[katierosefun]

oh there's something particularly painful about my mister in that dong hoon tells ji an that as long as no one knows, it's no big deal, and there's something particularly painful about how ji an tells dong hoon that sometimes, i want [my secret] to play out on big screens for everyone to see, and there's something particularly painful about how the second dong hoon meets the loan shark tormenting ji an, he starts screaming and yelling about how she's just a kid, how could you do that to a kid, and there's something particularly painful about how dong hoon doesn't even let ji an know he did that, but ji an knows. she knows because she was listening in the entire time and she just starts crying because someone actually knows this ugly, sad part of her and still took her side, and something particularly painful about how my mister started with as long as no one knows, it's no big deal but really concludes with there is so much risk in having someone know who you are but there's also so much comfort and peace to be found in that, too and maybe you shouldn't isolate yourself and maybe you should reach for that kind of comfort in being known and loved anyways

[kafkas-coatrack]

I know this isn’t a hi3 blog but close enough, y’all I CANNOT stop thinking about Kiana and Mei. They’re in love and I want them to be happy forever but I also want to put them through impossible angst. But then I want them to comfort each other about it. You see the vision. Anyway send help I’m in too deep

[steeplescollapsed]

10.11.23 - ramblings from a break up

part 10

[problemcore]

hiiii halfway? thru the story. hard as hell to avoid spoilers online i need to stay away 😭 rant in tags, spoilers for 2.2 . i already reached 30 tags wow 💀

[yantao-enthusiast]

rina sawayama really said "we both had to leave our mothers to get the things we want" without regards to the emotional damage it would do to me. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS IS ABOUT AN IMMIGRANT MOTHER REALIZING HER SON'S HAPPINESS WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HER RELIGIOUS BELIEFS????? HOW DID YOU SET IT UP FOR A PERFECT CRITICAL HIT TO MY HEART????? FUCK YOU. I LOVE THIS SONG