#heart part comes later? i think
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its quite strange. im seeing you in my dreams. and i dont know whether to dread falling asleep and waking up in a fantasy where we're together or look forward to it. i quite enjoy spending time with you in the land of dreams, where youre just as infatuated with me as i am with you. part of me says the pang of sadness once i wake up and realise its all a trick of my mind, that you'd never feel the same, that ill never be the one you look at with that love gaze, that ill never be her, is worth those small moments of interaction. but it isnt real. itll never be real. why do i hold onto the hope of you and i, when i know perfectly well it will never come true? but... cant a girl dream? but why do i dream of something that is bound to make me yearn and cry and wish for more when i wake? let me have my moments. let me dream... but im hurting myself with these hopes.
aaand the bell rang so i couldnt continue 😞
okok but srsly i dreamt of him last night and idk if i need to get over him b4 this crush of mine goes too far or enjoy the dreams ☹
(for a hot moment this clown (me) thought you were talking about me and i was like:
ignore that ^
assuming you're that green flag dude anon?? or talking about a real dude (if you're not and you're talking about some kpop idol pls take your anti-delulu pills you're welcome) he's appearing in your dreams omgg 😭 (that's bc you're thinking about him too much esp when you're about to sleep)
(also i'm stuggling a lot here the T in me is saying talk to him and you'll hate him bc real non-fictional men ew problem solved) BUT i hope you're interacting with him? it's no use crushing on someone and not doing anything about it that's just making yourself miserable. just talk to him, if you continue to find him attractive after you get to know him a little maybe shoot your shot? if he likes you back, yay! if not, then that's your cue to let it be i guess (or fight for it but this isn't the fanfic world it's different here 😭 whatever feels right ig)
or you could continue to enjoy the dreams as long as you don't forget your anti-delulu pills-- crushing on someone from far away is far less disappointing ig but maybe that's just me and my weird ass self-defence mechanism that doesn't even allow me to crush on someone in peace 😭😭
but i'm here if you want to talk about it more! warning tho i only give realistic practical advice, i don't feed delulus😔
#nah you had me in the first 8 halves ngl#hugs for you!#think this through and think with the brain#not the heart#heart part comes later? i think#i wouldn't know man im the most inexperienced here#but hopefully what i said made sense <3#yumi.asks
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Okay so this is almost a direct copy-paste of my earlier reblog but only the Xin Yuan parts, because its long enough to be its own post and i want to share it! It deserves it's own post <3 typical starry stuff to write a 2k word long reblog, unfortunately.
I say almost because I went through to proof read and ended up adding more stuff.
I've been cooking on this idea for the last two days since I saw the Xin Mo!Shen Yuan post but??? I can't find anything on Xin Mo's backstory or how it came to be -- which means that's free fucking plot right there baby. That's a sandbox and im making LIFE SIZED CASTLES. I'm so excited.
The idea of Shen Yuan transmigrating centuries before the events of PIDW as Xin Mo -- but when he wakes up, he's not the sword. He wakes up in the body of a young boy named Xin Yuan. Now it makes sense for this boy to be a demon, but the drama, the intrigue, the spice of Xin Yuan being a human child.
SY wakes up as a boy below the age of ten, and the System tells him where he is, and SY is excited to meet his favorite protagonist -- only to gradually realize that he's like, a thousand years or so before the events of the novel. The rant he gives the system is legendary.
Bc what's the point of getting dropped into PIDW if he's never going to meet his favorite character??? This is a scam! BUT he settles into his new life, he's like, some orphan street rat or some other tragic airplane-esq backstory.
The system gives Shen Yuan his first mandatory quest: become a righteous cultivator. Which was like, kinda his plan/hopes anyways, except! There's like?? No official cultivator sects anywhere? The Cang Qiong Mountain Sect hasn't even been established yet, and there are pockets of cultivators running around, maybe some groups or schools popping up and then sinking back down, but nothing's really taken root!
If he asks someone how to become a cultivator, there's no straight answer. No "oh you can go to X to do that". He's pissed! How can he become a cultivator if there aren't any schools around to teach him? Deus ex machina, that's how.
Out of sheer luck, SY manages to help save a rogue cultivator, and promptly gets adopted by said rogue cultivator, who gives SY the name 'Xin Yuan'. He is ecstatic. And you know what? It's actually pretty fun!
He's getting to travel the world of PIDW in its early stages, and gets to see the building blocks for the eventual main story. He's discovering all this local flora and fauna that are foreign to his old world and unmentioned in the book, and he's learning cultivation! Granted, its unsafe, newly(ish) discovered cultivation, but it counts!
Wistfully, he thinks about perhaps he'll do something grand and get his name carved into legend. Something that would eventually help the protagonist later down the line in his quest for revenge.
The system remains silent to his thoughts.
But Xin Yuan doesn't take much stock in that daydream anyways. It's nothing more than fantasy to him; wish-fulfillment. He does discover however, that he is positively brimming with spiritual energy. Overwhelmingly so.
It's both a blessing and a curse, as it puts a strain on his meridians if he's not careful, and leaves him prone to qi deviations for the exact same reasons. He already has a heart demon or two from a few traumatic experiences in the past.
(bc hey! angst a day keeps the writer sadism at bay, and all that)
I'll say he's about... eight when he gets picked up by the rogue cultivator, who I'm calling Lin Kai bc he deserves a name. They travel around PIDW up until Xin Yuan is twelve, where he goes through a traumatic experience that results in a heart demon.
It's after that that Lin Kai decides to put a stop to his wandering, and find a place to settle down to raise Xin Yuan in. Coincidentally! They settle down in a nice mountain region that's thriving with spiritual energy. The mountains at the time were called something different, but they will be eventually known as the Cang Qiong Mountain Sect
Coincidentally, the mountain Lin Kai and Xin Yuan end up on is Qing Jing Peak. XY does not realize that the mountain he's on is Qing Jing. The System does not tell him. But he likes it there, more than he was expecting. And as much as he's traveled around, he really does enjoy being in one place.
He has a tendency to go down the mountain and help the village setting up down there, and when he's a teenager he starts venturing out more and more.
Xin Yuan forgets sometimes that he's in a novel, especially after settling down on Qing Jing peak. The system becomes remarkably quiet since there's no quests for him to do and not a ton of opportunities to get B-Points. He cultivates with Lin Kai, helps tend to the garden they're growing, goes down to the village to play with the other kids.
There's one boy he's best friends with, a boy whose not all that good with words, named Liu Zhihao. He's got potential for cultivation though, so Xin Yuan drags him up the mountain when he can so that Liu Zhihao can sit in on lessons with Lin Kai. He drags him all over the forest at the foot of the mountain to go look at bugs and animals.
(One time, when they're fourteen and Liu Zhihao has been learning cultivation for a few years now, Xin Yuan drags him out of bed late one night to go look at the stars. Xin Yuan tells Liu Zhihao about ascension -- something that still feels like a far off dream to many in this time -- that night, while they're sitting on the wet grass.)
("We should ascend together." Xin Yuan tells Liu Zhihao, jade eyes gleaming. Never let it be said that Xin Yuan doesn't love deeply, no matter what kind of love it is. He was always so lonely as Shen Yuan, Liu Zhihao is his best friend. "We'll become immortals, and then we won't ascend until the other is able to.")
(Liu Zhihao stares at him silently, his face unreadable. Then, quietly, he asks; "Promise?")
("Promise.")
When he starts adventuring outwards, further away from the mountain and the village, Liu Zhihao sticks to him like rice. Not that Xin Yuan's complaining, that's his best friend after all, and Liu Zhihao has become a formidable cultivator. He deserves to show off his skills.
He starts making something of a name for himself by the time he's, like, 18 -- although that name is in its baby steps, along with Liu Zhihao. They're slowly growing renown.
Perhaps XY uses his knowledge of PIDW and cultivation in general to help make advancements in the cultivation field. Although the system prevents him from sharing too much, it doesn't mean he can't practice it himself. Perhaps he's one of the first cultivators to develop a golden core. One of the first known immortal cultivators. One of the first to have a spirit sword.
(Although I don't know the logistics of any of this since my knowledge on xanxia/cultivation stuff in general is all still pretty new and google wasn't all that helpful lol.)
Either way, its my excuse to eventually make Xin Yuan come across as ethereal to other people. Peerless beauty SY for the win. Hs wifebeam is too strong, Xin Yuan has a line of suitors following after him and he's completely unaware of it. The rest of history is not.
Demon realm stuff has been stirring up since Xin Yuan was a kid, but at the time it was rare and in the beginning stages. Its been steadily ramping up and the system is sending him on more and more treacherous quests -- some of them mandatory, some optional. SY doesn't often take the optional ones unless it comes with a sufficient B-point reward.
for all intents and purposes though, he's a wandering rogue cultivator with Liu Zhihao, going from place to place to either help a town or village, or to discover more creatures or artifacts (although there aren't that many). Just all around living his life. He participates in a few major quest lines that are sure to get him mentioned in legend, even if it's a background character way.
(Unbeknownst to him, rather than being a side character in these legends, he's named directly. You can't become one of the first immortal cultivators and NOT get name dropped for clout.)
He has a spirit sword named Shā Mó, (杀 shā - to kill/weaken/counteract/reduce) (魔 mó - evil spirit, demon, possession). He routinely goes back to QJP to see Lin Kai, or to rest when traveling has worn down on him and he wants nothing more than to sleep somewhere he knows he'll be safe in. It becomes more frequent as Xin Yuan becomes more famous. Liu Zhihao often comes with him.
it all comes to a head though when the rifts between the demonic realm and the human realm become too great, and the balance between both realms becomes unstable. A demonic emperor's influence, wanting to merge the two realms so he could conquer both to satiate his own greed.
Typical evil king stuff. This comes to a climatic head in a great battle between every cultivator available and the demon emperor's army. Xin Yuan was one of the many who helped lead the charge.
In the end, it was Xin Yuan who ends up defeating the demonic emperor, but the rift that the emperor used to cross between worlds is destabilizing as well. Except instead of trying to close, it's getting bigger and bigger, threatening to swallow the heavens and earth and demonic realm whole.
You know how Yue Qingyuan's soul is bonded to his sword due to a qi deviation? Let's take it a step further >:)
Xin Yuan uses himself and Shā Mó to close the rift. However, it takes all of his spiritual energy to do so, as well as him filtering the demonic qi into his body to redirect it back to the demon realm.
In the end, Xin Yuan and his beloved sword Shā Mó fuse. Xin Yuan's soul becomes trapped in the sword. His physical body is unable to handle the immense amount of power it takes to close the rift, and is destroyed. He is immortalized in legend by his grieving cultivators.
(Liu Zhihao ends up ascending alone. He ascends with the hope that one day he'll see Xin Yuan again, even if it's in the face of someone else. Lin Kai does not ascend, too weighed down by the grief of losing his son.)
Xin Yuan, now Xin Mo, falls into a stasis. He's very confused and disorientated when he regains 'consciousness'. The system has been silent for most of his life, only popping up to give him mandatory quests, hints, points, or to answer any questions.
But once he wakes up, it cheerfully pops up again, congratulating him on completing the origin story of Xin Mo. SY freaks the fuck out. he'd shake the system screen if he could, but he doesn't have arms. or legs. or eyes for that matter.
He can sense his surroundings, but its all like imprints to him. He can sense the energies, but he can't see anything. It's all very disorientating and horrifying after years of being human. Like a sensory deprivation chamber.
The closing of the rift and the cycling demonic qi tainted both Sha Mo and Xin Yuan irreparably, and it did some kind of damage that resulted in SY needing to feed in order to use the spiritual powers. Kinda like how Xuan Su uses YQY's life force for it's spiritual energy, but instead of feeding on his own lifeforce, Xin Mo feeds on others.
The rest is history. Xin Mo is originally tied to the story of Xin Yuan -- believed to be all that remained of the man after he sacrificed himself to keep the realms separate. It's believed that the force of the realms closing permanently infused Sha Mo with demonic energy, turning it into Xin Mo.
But, like many stories do when faced against the tide of time, things get lost; chipped off; changed. Xin Mo is steadily separated from Xin Yuan, especially once it becomes clear how parasitic the sword really is, until they are all but separate entities themselves and the origin of Xin Mo's creation all but forgotten.
The years blur together when Xin Mo is not being wielded, and at first Xin Yuan was agonized by the fact that he stole the lives of all his wielders. He knows it's only a novel, but his decades spent in this life have softened him, and he's grown attached to the world around him.
But time erodes the mind like water erodes stone, and he becomes numb to it, then eventually anticipating of it. He forces himself to remember what he knows of PIDW's plot, and kinda fixates back on his old obsession on Luo Binghe. But while PIDW stays in his mind, his memories as Xin Yuan fall to the wayside.
Not forgotten, per se, but... tucked away. The system prevents him from forgetting fully.
Xin Mo isn't fully a demonic sword either i think, but instead harbors an ugly cocktail of both spiritual and demonic qi. Special circumstances and all that. Everyone just assumes he's a fully demonic sword because that's usually at the forefront, his spiritual qi weakened from the initial fusion and from years of not being fed spiritual qi. It's part of the reason his wielders always end up destroyed by him, other than the whole, yk, 'overwhelming qi' thing.
Nobody would recognize Xin Mo's human form as Xin Yuan other than some truly ancient demons. Of which Meng Mo might. But even that's iffy because there's a lack of surviving paintings of Xin Yuan, but also because of XM's demonic appearance and supposed lack of connection to XY.
Xin Mo has never spoken to his wielders before, not in the same way he does Luo Binghe. He tells Luo Binghe this, and he also tells Luo Binghe down the line that he is both spiritual and demonic -- something he also never told his wielders because there was no point to it.
okay okay i've got to end it here because its already gotten ridiculously long -- of which im both apologetic and unapologetic for -- but i DO think the Shang Qinghua and Shen Yuan meeting (and reveal) would be fucking hilarious. Especially if SY has learned how to pop between sword form and human form by then -- although i guess it doesnt matter either way because SQH's reaction is still the same.
And that reaction is internally screaming and going "hey what the FUCK?? WHY DOES XIN MO HAVE A HUMAN FORM??? WHAT IS THIS??? SYSTEM??? EXPLAIN???"
meanwhile from his place on the sword hilt xin mo is squinting at Shang Qinghua in bewilderment and going "aren't you supposed to be dead" but doesn't pay too much mind to it because its not like its going to change anything.
...up until he catches shang qinghua going "WTF" silently from his little corner while all eyes are off him. One moment SQH is standing beside his king, and the next he's been tackled to the ground by one wild-eyed, human-shaped Xin Mo.
everyone, including SQH, thinks Xin Mo is going to kill him. It is a surprise to everyone when he does not, and instead dissolves into deranged, uncontrollable laughter after spitting out some phrase in some ancient tongue and watching SQH's eyes grow wide in recognition.
#svsss au#svsss#scum villain au#scum villain#scum villain self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#luo binghe#liu zhihao is indeed based off liu qingge. i am a multishipper at heart and liushen is a delicious ship. XY and LZ i think were very devote#to each other regardless of if it was romantic or platonic. they're besties! and im a sucker for devotion in all aspects. its neat :)#XM eventually tells LBH about how he used to be human once and he tells him about his Xiao Zhi. and that he hopes Xiao Zhi was able to reac#ascension in his absence. LBH silently seethes with jealousy and abandonment issues a mile wide. he asks XM if he misses him. XM gets this#unreadable distant look on his face that makes him look far more mortal than is comfortable. then he mutters 'yes.' LBH hates it#Cang Qiong sect gets miraculously spared by Luo Binghe on account of 'my demonic sword grew up here and he'd be upset if i ruined it'#does LZH look like LQG? ...i want to say yes bc itd be crime to derive SY of LQG's beauty even if he never knows what LQG looks like#imagine XM as human coming to clash with YQY. he takes one look at YQY. then at Xuan Su. before going 'we're alike. you and i.'#rip SQH. executed for the crime of *checks scroll* making XM laugh before Binghe could. making XM laugh at all actually#XM is usually very reserved and restrained but for the first time in a thousand years he's met someone just like him. the emotional rush#is intense. SQH asks him later how long he's been Xin Mo. expecting like. at LEAST a few years now or after him but then XM blinks at him#and then mutters something about how he's lost track of time. oh hey btw what year it is??? he forgot to ask. SQH tells him and Xin Mo says#'oh! about a thousand years now' 'WHAT' and XM tells him about being Xin Yuan which SQH was not expecting. whether thats because#he genuinely wasnt expecting it or it was part of his outline or an idea he messed around with and didnt expect to make it into the world#SQH tells him about the legend of Xin Yuan. XM is stunned. he asks about Liu Zhihao. LZH made it into legend too. which XM is very#pleased by. 'good. he deserves it for all the hard work he put in.'
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You're the sunflower/I think your love would be too much
#WOO FINALLY DONE#considered doing a second part with hanahaki riku buuuut. i got a car journey in an hour or so and im impatient#so doing it later means not at all#but anyway!!! had fun w him#still tryna figure out how to draw sora ill prob redraw this when i figure it out#rearranged the heart station more toward the redesigned one but then didnt rlly follow thru cus i wanted both riku and kairi on it LMAO#also i think i drew them too small for this to come across but my thought process was “sora with lots of freckles = sunflower center bit”#and obvi the station of awakening as well#was gonna be kh2 sora but hnnng his design is. so much#ambitious#i think “your love would be too much” works for every version of soriku though so its okay#soriku#kingdom hearts#soriku endgame actually#kh sora#kingdom hearts sora#sora kingdom hearts#riku kingdom hearts#bev draws#beverly says stuff#this happened cus 2 nights ago i satr up in bed and said THIS SONG IS SO SORIKU CODED#and then i wanted to make the sunflowers behind him look like stained glass#but i didnt know how & figured putting a station there would give a similar effect#regardless! sora looks kinda goofy in the face but im p happy w this !#using references are for cowards (NOT ACTUALLY. USE REFERENCES DO NOT FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE)#kh#kh1#kh1 sora#kh1 riku#also tried out some different brushes for colouring this and i like them :3
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..Nothing at all?
#my art#chilaios#tragedy au#hey hey hi come into this cave with me. It’s safe don’t worry. Yeah Idk the way out why do you ask. No no don’t run you’re here now#dungeon meshi#laichil#dunmeshi#chilchuck tims#laios touden#laios#chilchuck#hey also there’s a broken heart looking thing here and yeah that’s not an accident I’m a little creature who likes stuffing stupid symbolis#in. yeah#ALTHOUGH. Now thinking. If you really think about it. If you extend meanings. If you ponder. If you know the context and if you connect the#heartbeat headcannon then it can be a little. A little thing into the au part of this#haha. Lies facedown and bleeds#actually I was undecided if the au part was when Chilchuck begs Laios to believe him that he’s <BEEP> or some later point when Laios’s back#& <WILHELM SCREAM>#probably the first one though. so …….#HAHa ANYWAY. Have fun with this. Or don’t. Idk if you got here by the main tag or by chilaios or what#But yeah#Yipee cartwheels away back into the trench#oh and#id in alt text#I don’t think I’m forgetting any tags so off you go little page of pain
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anyone else feeling like everyone around them finds them a huge annoyance and a headache and they are only putting up being around you or is it just me. Is this a november thing or has the hound finally come to curse me.
#im thinking of all those things people have said like “dont assume people are upset with you. they need to tell you themselves if they are”#and time and time again have i gotten evidence that people might actually like me#but irgh#ihgh. i dont know. i dont know#that last part about a hound was a reference to fortuna. which ironically enough is a big reason why these feelings are coming up again#fortuna itself i love it. i genuinely love it with all my heart#but i get really passionate about stuff and ive been discarded time and time again for being too loud and open and. just. ME with everythin#i dont know. im not fully me right now. i know im not me right now.#delete later
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every day i kick a rock and bash my head into the wall because i'll never get to go on a big space adventure and become tightly close-knit with my new found family up there <//3
#re lrb..........#i mean realistically if i was in the voltron/quintenary stars universe chances are i would probably NOT be one of the people#going on the space adventure.#i'd be roped into the plot when the aliens invade and earth almost gets destroyed. spoilers for arc 2 btw sorry#but man. child soldierism aside i wish that were me so so so bad#sadly kicks a rock when will EYE have a deep and mystical connection with a giant ancient cat :(#its not even that i want to interact with the main cast bc i dont really i just. wanna be in their position man#i think one of the reasons why voltron grabbed me so hard (among MANY) is how badly i wanted to do what the main characters did#i remember when i was first watching it while it was coming out i would CONSISTENTLY daydream about being launched into space#with a handful of other people and having to fight a war and grow up far away from home and all the suffocating stuff that came with it#and then coming back years later already solidly knowing who i am and being confident in that#so i'd actually be brave enough to be unapologetic about it. and i'd be found family with the people i went to space with also#that parts important#idk man just. i dont like saying i was abused when i was younger because i really dont think it was like that and it isnt even close to#what how people who have really been abused have had to go through#but sometimes i really do wonder. like now that im (mostly) out and able to review everything with an outside perspective#not even getting into the cult survivorism stuff this is JUST family dynamics im talking about here#bc that shit is a whole other can of worms#i think my parents were genuinely doing the best they could with the cards they were dealt but. jesus christ.#i would have given ANYTHING to be able to run away from all that. and throw magic cats into the equation? brother im GONE#anyway this tags ramble has derailed in a MAJOR way. tldr i wanted to be a paladin sooooo fuckign bad bro#like it actually makes me SICK how much i want a lion. red you are my forever girl even if only in my heart <///3#i still do want to do all that out of principle but its not as desperate now i just really love space and really want a big kitty friend#winter speaks
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Caspian IX & Caspian X
There was a time / I used to look into my father's eyes / In a happy home / I was a king, I had a golden throne / Those days are gone ... I remember how it all changed / My father said / Don't you worry, don't you worry child / See Heaven's got a plan for you /Don't you worry / Don't you worry now
- 'Don't You Worry Child' cover by Kurt Schneider & Sam Tsui
For @an-angels-fury because this song has been making me feel things.
#you are king of a hard people#you are one of the few to take your throne in peace from your father before you#for kinslaying runs in your bloodline#and your son is born#at the cost of your beloved's life#but you love him all the more for the part of her that lives on in his eyes#and you name him after yourself you give him your name so he will be the tenth and there is something special about that you think#he is destined for much good you think#and you will raise him different you tell yourself#he too will take the crown in peace when you die honorably#you dream of stars and a lion and you hear the nursemaid's tales sitting with your boy and you begin to wonder#your brother dismisses the nursemaid without your permission#'the boy is too old he does not need her anymore' miraz says#'i will teach him to be a strong warrior as a telmarine should be'#your little brother has his good moments. he is a powerful soldier. he has more time to teach the boy than you.#you allow it#you regret this later when your son's arm is broken and your brother is the reason why#but your son begs to continue his training#so you allow it#he has a way of looking at you with his big brown eyes#your heart beats unsteady in your chest like it hasn't since you were a boy#you don't want to die with your child only 10 years old#you want to see him for so much longer#you are not ready#the boy knows you are ill and insists on sleeping with you most nights#death comes quiet in the night and leaves the boy alone#you are caspian#you are named after your father and your father will not wake#caspian x#narnia
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… hands of the emperor thoughts
#idk if I’m coming up with spoilers but I’m at the part where Kip keeps wondering at his radiancy’s actual name#and they keep bringing up some Fitzroy guy#(idk his importance I’m still not 100% sure what’s going on with the Red Company and whether or not they’re actually communists)#but that name’s in the title of a later book??#I’m sure this is super obvious dot connecting but I’m such a stickler for unadulterated experiences of media#that I’m holding back thinking too hard about it or I’ll start to froth at the mouth#the hands of the emperor#lays of the hearth fire#nine worlds#i just want the emperor to be happy ok and if that means he’s secretly a communist assassin I support him with all my heart
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I think I've become an official HI3 player. I check the HSR leaks hoping for iterations of HI3 characters now
#I have little hope about some of them. For instance the Su and Kevin voice actors are taken by Aventurine and the Trailblazer iirc?#Kalpas' voice actor does the male Dreamseeker in Part 2 of HI3 which is not as terminal considering HSR is a different game but still#Luocha thankfully exists. I don't think they'll be introducing Kiana anytime soon#I would love Sakura but I'm way more into PE Sakura than CE Sakura and then there's what they did with Miko#Some of my favourite things of PE Sakura they gave to Jingliu or Acheron already (freeze time‚ haunted and corrupted by loss‚#unable to unsheathe a sword and memories coming back to her when she does‚#piercing someone's heart with her sword but the other person living on with a new life‚...)#Thus an iteration of all that but with the cool things missing could get messy and unsatisfactory pretty easily#Mobius and MEI are similar to Mei and Herta so they're in a similar situation to PE Sakura#I find Griseo somewhat unsettling in a good way and in a way same with Eden. I love all the loss weighing on her as if she had already dead#with the concept of her being The Era itself and the era dying. So I wouldn't mind seeing them too#Hua seems like she may appear in the Xianzhou? Given the Marshall existence and that the Xianzhou drinks a lot of those concepts#Blade‚ Dan Heng and Jingliu drink so much of Fu Hua. I don't care about Hua though. The Herrscher I did like though#I'm curious about what they'll do#Other than the Chinese voice actor having already a steady job in Mihoyo‚ there's echoes of Kalpas in Blade‚ Arlan and Sam#so I really don't have much hope there. Not as little as with Kevin and Su perhaps but... yeah not really a lot of hope#Yet here I am. Hopelessly hoping for a Kalpas iteration. Imagine how beautiful the fire would be *sigh*#I was so mad about him being my favourite in HI3 but it just makes sense#Besides the Guzm.a process he went me go through‚ he truly has a lot of themes going on that recall Blade. I don't know...#I like his CN voice actor a lot‚ and how he plays Kalpas in particular‚ both when he's calm and when he's deranged#The Dreamseeker doesn't have the same voice at all unfortunately. I would really love to see him in HSR what can I say#That's the kind of person I've become. In a little bit of time I'll be wanting a Kalpas plushie at this rate#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later
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One better (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Blood#I knew going into this and it was still so distressing :'0#Who needs plot twists when you can create such an intense sense of Dread#Probably doesn't help that I read this At Night In the Dark lol - actual shivers#Gods this was a hard scene to read - there have been several instances of my face hurting from furrowing my brow so hard haha#The way that ''Doctor'' is written is So skillful - I'm so impressed by everyone's prose and quirks and syntax!#Not to mention when he breaks character in a later scene to apologize for taking a bit to move the scene along haha <3 Play!!#It really does speak to just how much skill and effort is put into everything <3 It's so well done all the way around!!#Anyway to the actual scene at hand lol ow :') Drawing blood is always fun but I wish it wasn't his ;u;#Ugh the way he takes the surgeries is so well written - fear of course but a kind of stoic suffering as much as he's able to -#Until it comes to his eye#Ugh the /break/ of it all he goes from so eloquent - almost snarky and silly! Still trying to find an out make peace do /something/#It all goes completely out the window he's so /reduced/ and nothing hurts worse than that ughughugh#For all his intelligence and wit and prior successes and charm and just - everything that makes him /him/ to be dissolved into abject fear#It's so sad ;; And so well done <3#And he still holds enough of himself to know what he'd be losing wegh it's so sad!! He's so defined by his vision as most VUX are it's fjdsl#Zelnick is already gone by this point but I wanted to throw him in for extra sad flavour :')#Plus - I've mentioned his post-Op was one of the ones from the gallery that Actively kills me every time I look at it#Can you imagine my heartbreak to find out that he didn't have his Captain to comfort him after this in actuality? That he was fully alone?#''Are we home? Is it over?'' ''N...not yet'' - The Absolute Devastation of realizing that Never Was not really#Just tear my heart out why don't you ugh I'm fully bleeding out 💔#That last one is actually meant to be Max but it's open to interpretation :)#I think it's such a waste that his eye was just disposed of! Someone else could've used that (lol)#I do think there's something to the idea of seeing what used to be a part of your body elsewhere - like the Leftovers!#Even just keeping as a memento tho - a trophy - insult to injury but literally#Just points to no one being special and nothing being sacred I suppose
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i know it's too early to think about getting a new cat, but my mom has been looking at a shelter nearby in search of tara...
and there's this little shy boy named fern whose face looks just like kitty! a long lost relative perhaps? ;)
#they're a decade apart in age but it could happen! ;)#years ago we saw a photo of a kitty that also looked like tara#maybe her sibling! :o#fern is so cute! :D#i think we'd get along well! :)#i'd teach him the ways of tara! :D#and maybe leash train him so we could go all the way to the mailbox ;)#it's only been 5 days so i think we should wait a bit longer#my mom really loves him though! :D#and really really misses kitty... :/#we all do!#but maybe fern is a sign from her? ;)#she always wants us to be happy! :'D#it could be a long time before we see her... and the hole in our hearts is so big! :(#but what if she comes back a year or so later and sees fern? :o#she hates boy cats but i hope she'd at least try to love a little brother! ;)#my great aunt's cat boo is a shy boy cat born in 2021 just like fern! :o#and the neighbor's cat ghost cat is also shy#i guess shy boys are in! ;D#also fern's black part looks like dan's old fringe! ;D
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happy one year to her and one of my better opening lines for a fic <3
now, because i'm curious:
#to hell and back again#i genuinely can't believe it's a year but i guess that's how time works huh :')#anyway umm gonna leave some retrospective thoughts in the tags:#1. i hold this fic near to my heart but also have a very complicated relationship with it now-#mostly bc i feel like my writing has improved so much and it's hard for me to reread parts of this lol#2. i honestly feel like it's a product of its time? like i think if i was publishing it now people wouldn't like it nearly as much#(especially with the opening line wHICH HAS A POINT AND COMES FULL CIRCLE AT THE END OK JUST TRUST ME)#3. on a sadder note this also means it's been a year since we had to put my family's eldest dog down#i remember i was gonna post this first chapter later when i had finished another fic up#but then our dog just like. straight up started dying on my mom's bedroom floor#and my mom was too distressed/upset to take her to the vet so i had to put her in my car and take her on my own#and then had to go to work right after that#so yeah i was upset and was like 'well dammit im gonna post this then bc it's silly and makes me laugh and i am sad'#so yeah!! some thoughts and behind the scenes info for anyone who's bothered to read this many tags#idk these things just feel like Tags thoughts not Post thoughts#anyway thanks for all the love this one has gotten!! i'm glad people are still enjoying it though *will voice* it's been a year mike#byler
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Posted this on Twitter but
Idk man… I think what gets me is the weight of this chapter. 430 had a bittersweetness to it but this feels doubled. Perhaps because this is very likely the last time we’ll see these characters but the send off in this extra chapter feels so quiet and melancholy…
#mha#mha final volume#mha 431#I appreciate the openness of 430 so much more#this extra is essential IT and was a glance at all the characters one last time (most who didn’t appear in 430)#but it’s sad not to see Toshi#it’s sad to see Izuku and Ochako haunted by Tomura and Toga 8 years later#yes the end has them moving forward but then you have Bakugou#remove romantic reading it’s still very clear that he’s meant to be read as disappointed this chapter#will they really be competing? Izuku’s more or less a part time hero#Deku’s back in the field but not in the way Bakugou obviously hoped for#those final panels of him watching izuku disappear into the crowd like Hori why#this is so depressing#I get the intent of seeing that heroes are less needed and that the characters are learning who they are beyond hero work#but we don’t get much of a hint of Bakugou doing that#we leave him with this feeling of melancholy that he’s been left behind#it’s too late#Izuku says he probably would’ve always been a teacher which I think is great!#but just… it feels even more bittersweet#izuku offhandedly tells bakugou to be a guest teacher more often which is a nice detail#but actually seeing that would have been more hopeful and happy#from the start of the chapter with Ochako’s dream the whole vibe is just so…sad#so final#and like I LIKE izuku and ochako I think they’re sweet and cute#but I will always prefer the platonic relationships first#like their scene is tasteful and cute with them both saying essential “I want to spend more time with you’#but it comes after and with this utter weight of finality#I just idk man I don’t want *this* to be the end but it is and it’s just really saddening#I’d say I’d want more something to break this melancholy but I don’t know if my heart can take anymore if it’s anything like this chapter
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the gavi recovery documentary was so much better than the new gen one damn 😭😭
#i have so many thoughts but that had me overwhelmed as hell#first of all#hearing gavi talk about it just OUCHHHH#also him saying how he wasn’t always positive but his physios were bc of that#also i loved the physios i really loved their inclusion in it bc clearly theyve had the biggest role to play alongside his friends family#and teammates#the way they talk about him SOOOO fondly#pablo merino constantly mentioning how intelligent he is#and his emotional intelligence#my poor baby though the scenes of him in pain had me so upset#also the shot that made me the most upset was him slowly pedalling on the bike next to his teammates#who were doing it normally idek why#also he’s so strong and mature the psg thing being a thing to look forward to#ALSO THE WAY HE DIDNT TOUCH A BALL EVEN ONCE MY BABYY#the playlist thing had me DYING#the lana del rey mention pffftt#i think the second part will be later in the year no after he comes back a little#either way im so excited#for tonight and for the rest of this season#our heart is back <3
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in whatever i have going on with my durge there's basically an extended family like we have iustitia that i consider as the older sibling, their twin sister prudentia, then there's the dragonborn durge, and then there's orin as the younger sibling and i imagine them all sitting at a table for lunch with blood or whatever rocks their boat with iustitia at the head of the table trying her best to ignore the knifes throwing from one side to the other and the insults like in some cartoonish type of fashion until they lose their temper and go (slams fist on the table) enough! orin you are indeed a freak, dragon brother you are a necrophile so jot that down, prudentia stop trying to eat my butler and everyone just shut the fuck up for a moment i'm trying to think of the ways i can fuck an elder brain
#rena.txt#sorry this is so weird of me i never talk of durge on here i'm on a streak today#i like all the potential of the fucked upfamily dynamics and that's all it's literally awakening some interest for my durge in me finally#at this point i should come up with a name for the dragondurge since i'm adopting him in my canon#also titi is very fond of prudentia and actually relies a lot on dragonbrother and considers him her right hand while she has a pretty much#disinterest for orin (they say they don't Get her while they also never tried to actually understand her) and there's a slightly veiled#despise there that titi herself doesn't control and leads to orin despising them back. i think she sees them as some kind of figure to#look up to but in a complicated way so the fact they love each of their siblings BUT her makes orin lose it very badly. like isn't she#worthy of the love like everyone else? which also plays a big part on the later tadpolization of titi like are u proud of me yet my kin? <3#+ her killing both prudentia and dragonbrother so maybe NOW iustitia will have a free spot for orin in their heart..for her and her only#okay i'm done i need to be normal rn#oc: iustitia#oc: prudentia#this goes into their tags so i don't forgor..
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thinking about how the other day I felt happiness for the first time in a long time (like happiness about where I am at in life and joy for my future plans. Like I was working 8-4:30 and I was thinking about how I was going to do a few ubereats runs until 6ish after and then come home and get to write and crack open my kung fu binder again that I've been working with to prove to myself I'm ready to go back)
usually I just feel content at like a 5 sometimes if I go to a concert or whatever it can get up to 6,7,8. but that's it
and I have that persistent depression disorder. that i never remember how to spell.
So you can imagine my surprise when i genuinely just felt happy and at peace? And i had mania by fob album stuck in my head. life was good.
I then got sucker punched by my physical health symptoms that were really bad and almost collapsed and could not hold myself up so I was leaning on a cart not moving when it hit 4:30. And did not do anything that I planned to after work because of it.
BUT
the key is i felt happiness for the first time in forever.
#and the thing is I think it was because I finally decided it might be time for me to go back to kung fu after taking a year and a half off#because I quit because I couldn't get myself to go to lessons and then I also couldn't get myself to practice outside of class#PLUS at the time I had just started medication for my panic attacks had recently developed a tic disorder#and was working at a job that was slowly killing me#and I was really just trying to figure my shit out#(the last day I was really able to meaningfully attend was for my belt test that I passed but I had a massive panic midway through because#I had also started zoloft that day and it didn't occur to me taking a kung fu test designed to mimic a fight and breed endurance in a fight#aka get my heartrate up would be a bad idea with starting zoloft designed to slow my heart rate)#but the thing about kung fu is it was always something that brought so much joy and happiness#if I was struggling to get there I'd come home and be so energized and excited and happy#and I think I'm finally in a place where I can have it back? (idk juries still out on the health issues)#because I spent all of 2023 working on myself and my mental health and I quit my old job this past september#and I have a new job#plus a direction in life??? like I'm stage managering for some bands at a fest#and then later stage managering for a renn faire#while I'm working part time at target#and finally retail isn't my main gig (i used to be full time) but the side gig to take me where I want to go#And like recently I ran into someone from kung fu while I was working and they were so excited to see me#and I want to go back so bad because it's nice to know that she and a couple other people (she mentioned I was brought up recently) still#remember me and wonder where I went even a year and a half later
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