#headspace post good ending can take on so many shapes | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tthegoldentouch · 2 months ago

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Icymi but also a little rambling about stuff I added here ( let me have this, I've spent more time w a dictionary writing this than I have in my last two years of highschool) and also bc I thought more writing this than I did any essay in my academic life 😔😔😔😔

1. The parchment shaped wall clock was supposed to be based on. This curio. I was so entraces by its design I pictured how something similar would look like as a clock (and yes this is a curio but it's weird looking enough that you can find it in some empty cardboard boxes or in the trash)

2. The soup made with nettle leaves- is inspired from Cignidaki zumi— an actual Romani dish, soup made with stinging nettle leaves. I found a bunch of romani recipes but this one really caught my eye bc we have stinging nettle plant here I didn't know u can eat them until now.

3. The pink diamond bit is from the jade's timeline thing hsr posted a while ago ofc, I wanted to see a follow up on it and didn't get it so I made my own reality. I don't think finding out his birthday would take jade much effort bc A. The reports mention the avgin extinction being on their religious festival kakava and. His name is kakavasha. B. But other than that, checking his files (esp in the beginning) I like to think the system is advanced enough that it automatically concerts various dating systems and such (they're modern Enough to have the synesthesia beacon)

4. The corundum stone (god BLESS finding a stone similar to his eyes took YEARS OFF MY LIFE) it has other colors? Don't worry. Hsr has better gemstones. We can't even get the diamonds from Uranus.

5. I have.... negative feelings about jade, if you couldn't tell. I tried not to make her like a completely evil lady, but given how she did call him to "talk" post penacony main quest in canon (it had layers too) I like to think between his whole thing in penacony and later actions she thought he might need a reminder. And shed know to pick a good time.

6. virtually no way for the reader to know his personal info if he doesn't give them UNLESS she knows someone like Jade. Had they asked topaz, she'd tell them that he doesn't like it (bc the stonehearts' birthdays and such are an occasion for a party/dinner/ etc, upper class socializing stuff (that is important to the business and cause) but aventurine doesn't do THAT even tho he does throw those necessary parties anyway. So it's obvious that he. Doesn't like celebrating it at least if nothing else. Later scrapped that cuz.... that's a lot of thinking

7. I thought of adding the catcakes bc cats (pets) are a great source of comfort for So many people. And they're incredibly good at sensing human emotions. And (canonically) they're said to be as intelligent as a 6 year old so. The catcakes remind him of food when aventurine is lost in his thoughts (and it doesn't feel like it's pleasant), to distract him and direct him towards a task. They all gather around him when he starts drinking bc while they likely don't understand the concept of drinking well they DO know he's distressed, so keeping him company to help him. They'd be a little freaked out to see him emotional I imagine, bc that's not something they ever saw (hence the immediate nervous attempt at comforting by nuzzling into him) I looked up how real cats act to write this and now I want a kitty do bad 😞😔

I also like. Didn't keep them in focus at all bc like....he's not in the headspace to think about them much. But they keep showing up bc that IS his family, too .

8. Dismissing a comforting smell as a potion seems something he'd do. There's actually an all good potion ( consumable) in hsr and while THAT one didn't end up in the market there's def similar stuff already. I imagine something that makes hospital food feel comforting for the patients would be popular, hence that conclusion

9. Kakavasha's shoes . I actually thought they were different when I wrote this but later realized that they seem ....to be modified. Mended maybe? But yeah. Only a pair of shoes

10. His mother smells of creosote bush. This species is found in the deserts of southwestern North America, and is said to smell of the desert rain. For a child who was blessed by rain on his birth day I think his mother likely smelt of rain, too.

11. I wanted to add in a scene with Aventurine's secretary to show she really NEVER looks at his eyes because they're. Usually seen as freaky and odd by people. And paired with the discomfort itself, she'd naturally be more careful to not do that to not offend him (him being her boss and. Because he knows how everyone sees them.) not like that's what HE wants, but what she assumes. But I decided to scrap that lol

12. Also he only managed to cry that much bc he was inebriated lol I don't think he'll ever cry like that otherwise (plus his house is empty so he doesn't have to hide it(

And I wrote down about him still remembering the painful memories with his family (while he tries to forget the extinction event desperately) bc he needs to Preserve their memory and spent like 10 minutes thinking about it preservation.... preservation....

But anyway that's about it!!

Happy Birthday, Aventurine!!

“Aventurine always tries not to remember. He's never synced the Sigonian calendar system to check the date in trailblaze calendar, never makes the mistake of dwelling on the memories surrounding this day— even when he's too drunk to remember his own name. Done everything possible to not acknowledge it; because this day feels like nothing but a curse to him.

Unfortunately, Jade has now ensured that he never gets to forget his birthday, again.”

Pairing: Aventurine x reader

Tags: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Comfort in the end to compensate for everything else ❤️ Reader is not physically present in the fic (they're not dead it's ok)

wc: 3.3k

Aventurine was abruptly interrupted by a knock on the door just as the sun began to slant westward.

With a sigh, he puts down the pen and glances at the wall clock. The hands on the parchment-shaped monstrosity read 1 pm, but his eyes are drawn back to the purple tongue protruding from its massively extended mouth. Seriously, where does Stelle find these items? "An ugly, purple parchment shaped wall clock that looks like it's ready to eat people"— isn't something most people would think to give him, to say the least. But that's the thing—it was Stelle.

She claimed to have found it during one of her "excavations." And even though Miss March 7th did her best to keep her friend from going into further details, stepping on Stelle's toes right in front of him and giving her a sidelong glance, as if he wouldn't notice, he could tell what kind of "excavations" would turn up something like this. Not like he minds the origins of this gift, however. Gifts from friends are few and far to come by, especially ones who actually tolerate him. Not to mention, Stelle likely sincerely believes that it's a cool gift, which is why it has replaced the diamond-embedded wall clock on his wall.

His musings are interrupted by a second knock, which, like the first one, reverberates once around the room before fading away in embarrassment. "Come in." He announces, reclining back in his seat and looking at the door with expectation in his eyes. It was not uncommon for his secretary to appear randomly in his office, constantly fussing over yet another minor issue. He believed it was her; at least, his itinerary showed he didn't have any guest visits today. Maybe it was time to replace assistants—the new hire is clearly not on the same wavelength as him. But he'd only recently had Topaz yell at him for changing staff so frequently; he'd prefer not to tell her that her choice was horribly disappointing just yet.

With a tiny bag bearing a brand he is all too acquainted with, the secretary enters the office. She keeps her gaze fixed on the floor the entire time, hence doesn't notice when her supervisor raises an eyebrow at the sight of his favorite jewelry brand. "Sir," she says in a low, somewhat flat voice, akin to that of a news reporter. "Earlier, a staff of Madam Jade stopped by. You have a present."

A grin appears on Aventurine's face, followed by a joyful chuckle. With how busy work has been lately, he'd almost forgotten when he asked Jade for a pink diamond, as has Jade apparently, seeing how long it's taken for her to send this. His request was a joke, of course, only meant to irritate Topaz. But he wasn't surprised either; Jade always takes good care of her weaponry. "Ahhh, no wonder!" He chirps and presses his palms together. "She must've finally found some generosity in her heart, hm?" He muses, and his assistant can only stand there stoically. He waves her off as she places the bag on his table and departs with an unnecessary low bow, never looking at his eyes once. As always.

When the secretary has left the room, he opens the bag, humming as he removes the box and gift card. Jade's handwriting is distinctive: prim and precise cursive that resembles a font.

"Happy birthday, Aventurine. This jewel would suit you far better than the pink diamond you asked for, don't you think?" — Jade

Kakavasha freezes. His birthday, she says, but she'd need to align the standard calendar system to the Sigonian one to find that out. She sent him a…..….a gift? For his birthday?

Is this a fucking joke?

The box reveals a chunk of corundum. Raw, uncut, pink and blue hues all over. Shades way too close to his eyes, and it doesn't take a gemologist to tell that Jade had done her searching thoroughly to obtain this. A jewel the color of his eyes, the color of Avgin eyes, neatly wrapped in a box for….to send ..what sort of message, exactly? Oh Avgin, never forget who you were before I found you—unpolished and undeserving. forget your name, but never your roots.

The note is crumpled and thrown in the trashcan, while the corundum and its box are hastily and carelessly pushed back into the bag. Really, so typical of Jade, he scoffs as he tosses the godforsaken bag into a random drawer, never to be seen again.

Kakavasha— no, Aventurine always tries not to remember. He's never synced the Sigonian calendar system to check the date in trailblaze calendar, never makes the mistake of dwelling on the memories surrounding this day— even when he's too drunk to remember his own name. Done everything possible to not acknowledge it; because this day feels like nothing but a curse to him.

Unfortunately, Jade has now ensured that he never gets to forget, again.

In any case, Aventurine concludes that it is not good for him to worry about this too much. Yes, he can just forget about the corundum. Yes, he is able to forget how it resembled Avgin eyes. Yes, he can also forget that Jade most likely sent this to "keep him in check" following the stunt he did in Penacony. But it was a mistake on his part to not see something coming. She had done this before, and it would not be the last time. He smiles at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror, composed, shrewd, and calculated. Since a mirror has the freedom of choice, it does not return his smile.

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By the time the car comes to a stop in front of his house, Aventurine is exhausted. His chauffeur unlocks the door for him, and he makes his way to the elevator. Yet he's interrupted again— of course, because it's a cursed day, and Aventurine has to restrain himself from scowling at the gateman, who stands in front of him wearing an anxious expression. "Sir, your friend had visited earlier to drop off something."

He raises an eyebrow and is about to inquire when he notices the bag the man is carrying. Without saying anything further, he simply takes the bag. You are the only one who'd own a dumb clockie bag and the only one who'd ever drop things off at his place.

When he steps in, his three catcakes meow loudly to greet him, and feels somewhat grateful for it. Today was just too exhausting, after all. He understands what this is about, based on the fact that you always give him gifts in person. Why, of all days, would you consider dropping it off today? And with no advanced notice- completely unlike you. How annoying, did Jade really have to do this too? He's never disclosed his birthday to you, so you probably coerced her into telling you, and she was glad to oblige, given you are of value to her.

Aventurine doesn't realize he's been standing in the kitchen for a long time until Spade begins massaging its fluffy body on his legs. He is surrounded by his three catcakes, who are all staring up at him expectantly. The message is crystal clear: We Want Food. He moves swiftly to get their food bowls, chuckling to himself before setting your lunchbox on the counter, sort of as an afterthought. At least they'll be able to go to bed well fed tonight.

After serving them dinner, he leaves the kitchen carrying a bottle of wine, hoping to spend the remainder of the evening crashing on the couch. He can just leave everything else for tomorrow. The benefit of drinking is that it can temporarily impair your ability to sense emotions. He only needs a short term fix, after all. Come tomorrow, he'll take hangover pills, and walk out of this house as Aventurine of the stratagems again— undoubtedly.

He turns on a random B-grade movie, prepared to drink the night away. And he does precisely that—he pushes down thoughts of how his childhood friends, whose features now misty in his memories, would react if they were to see him. With another shot, he pushes down recollections of his mother's cooking—the special meals for the Kakava—and his birthday. Another to accept the now-blurry face of his sister in his memory as the only proof of her existence. Another to forget the clay dolls she'd made for him, on the last birthday kakavasha got to celebrate, that were broken when he had to run for his life. And one more shot, and another, till he's forgotten everything; till he's numb and emotionless.

Feeling empty and hollow is far worse than anything else, and being unable to cry isn't as pleasant as he thought it'd be. But in his lavish home, where gold abounds in every nook and cranny, he has little reason for tears. Money may not be able to buy him happiness, as he is well aware, but it certainly does spare him from ugly tears unfit for his visage. Maybe that's why he hasn't cried in a while, or perhaps he has simply lost his soul somewhere along the way. He stays on the couch till 3 am, accompanied by his pets. He pretends not to see the troubled looks they shoot at him, whispered words passed between them that are clearly about him. By the time he decides to rest for the night, he is fatigued, sluggish, and barely keeping it together.

When he gets up to grab a glass of water from the kitchen, Ace makes a protesting noise before promptly shutting up. Catcakes are smart creatures, and they understand him better than most individuals in his life (or maybe the difference lies in care) His throat is dry, and ice cold water from the freezer provides enormous relief. However, the respite is taken away from him by the crackling lightning, loud as a whip, pulling out memories up to the forefront of his mind again. Of the lightning without the rain, of Sigonia-IV. The drumming of the thunder is largely hidden by the concrete walls, so it isn't as hard on the ear—but it aches a lot more than it did before. Aventurine sneers to himself, dismissing the idea as ludicrous. As if.

The second time the thunder sizzles, Aventurine has to take a sharp breath and grip the countertop to steady himself. It sounds like playing dead in the bleeding streams of Sigonia-IV, like the booming cackle of the mocking thunder. Had he been an insolent child, just a little more doubtful than he already was, he'd believe it was Mama Fenge herself laughing at her so called "blessed child". The thunder sounds similar, but it's not the same. No, because this is still Aventurine and he's still here and those are someone else's memories, forgotten and buried in sand.

Aventurine sighs.

Drinking too much has never done any good to him.

Just as he is ready to leave the kitchen, he notices the lunchbox sitting the counter out of the corner of his eye. Oh, right. He hadn't even touched it. A distraction doesn't seem bad now, though. If he wants to fabricate a plausible lie about eating the food, he would at least need to know what kind of food you sent. If the mental image of your frown after discovering he never even looked at what you sent is what gives him the final push , he would never admit it.

The lunchbox has a plains bear cub logo: you've always been a sucker for cute things. He sets aside the little note attached for later this time, preferring to taste the dinner first. It looks like you chose to make him some kind of soup. Insulated lunchboxes are a blessing— because it's surely been well over half a day since you made it, yet it's still warm. While the presentation is relatively simple, it smells strangely comforting— effect of some potion? He's heard of those, but they're usually used for sick patients, no? Other than that, this is the first homemade meal he's having in a….while. Not that it matters. Aventurine isn't picky, and while the leafy greens are unfamiliar to him, he believes he can handle at least a tablespoon.

Even the largest avalanche can be triggered by the smallest of things. Just one spoonful, and yet it's enough to make his world stop.

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The dry, broken soil scraped against his bare feet, producing little clouds of dust in its wake. His strides were light and rapid, nearly tripping over himself with excitement and giddiness. Just a little more, and he'll reach the finish line. Even the Sun's typical glare felt kind today; warm and tender against his tanned skin. Jumping over the homemade hurdles, he reaches the finish line far ahead of his friends. They protest and pout, and he taunts them with the biggest smile on his face. The soles of his feet feel slightly sore from running barefoot, but Kakavasha wouldn't risk destroying his only pair of shoes for a game.

When he hears his sister's voice calling for him, he rushes to embrace her and buries his face in her apron. His mother once told him that the Avgins all possess lovely voices, but Kakavasha believes his sister's is the best, especially when she laughs.

"And when will you listen to me and stop running around in the middle of the day, hm?" She pinches his nose and uses her apron to wipe the dirt off his face. Kakavasha beams at her with no regrets, proudly displaying the gap between his teeth. Once kakavasha had said his goodbyes to his friends, they walk hand in hand towards their tent.

There, his mother welcomes them with a warm embrace that smells like creosote bush and desert rain. “My darling," she coos, putting his small hands in her larger ones, rough from labour. "I remember you promised to be on time for lunch last time?" He grins cheekily, vowing not to do it again. (He's a repeat offender, but he knows that his mother and sister can't stay upset at him for long.)

His mother laughs, and tells him to tidy up before eating. Kakavasha's tummy is grumbling by the time he returns, and he finds the mats his sister laid down to sit on. The two siblings sit next to each other, chatting and giggling as they wait for their mother. She serves them a pot of hot soup with nettle leaves and lentils, just the way Kakavasha prefers it. He's overjoyed; quickly finishing his prayers before digging in. Kakavasha is a growing boy, and that's proved again when he finishes his bowl before his family.

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The soup she'd served him back then wasn't anything lavish; just a simple soup with local herbs and nettle leaves in a broth that smelt so uniquely of hers. His mama may have had a knack for cooking, but due to a lack of opportunities and resources, she never got to demonstrate her abilities. Compared to that, your food is much finer, and while excellent, it lacks the warmth of his mother's hands.

Nevertheless, he can't resist taking another spoonful and quickly putting it in his mouth because the familiarity is so, so palpable. He recalls that his sister wanted him to eat better, so she gave him half of her portion after he finished his. His mother then gave his sister half of her portion, as they are Both growing children. All of a sudden, the bickering, the laughs, and their voices are as plain as day in his mind. He can't fully recall the glitter in his sister's eyes or the dimple on his mother's cheek, but it's clearer than any other memory he had of them, that's for sure.

Aventurine can't stop crying, even if he wants to. Trying to halt the choking sobbing is fruitless, as is trying to figure out what's going on. He picks up the little message with shaking hands, hoping—praying—that it will help. You'll make it make sense. Somehow.

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“Dear Aventurine, I hope you have a wonderful birthday!!!!”

Written in thin, flowing, rounded letters that are noticeably cleaner than your actual handwriting. You undoubtedly put a lot of effort into each letter you wrote. Aventurine was correct in assuming you found out his birthday through Jade, as you have written it here. "Buying a gift for you seems…a little perfunctory," you said, "so I've settled with cooking you something myself."

"And if the dish tastes familiar (which I hope it does) then yes, you've guessed it right— it's a traditional Avgin dish."

The perfumed ink is thicker here, a few ink blots from where you've likely paused to think, go over each sentence in your head before writing them down.

You mention finding the Avgin dishes by reading some kind of research paper on Sigonian culture and food, but Aventurine isn't sure he can believe that. You wrote, "I was fortunate enough," yet chance alone wouldn't get you something like that. Sure, maybe some doctoral candidate was crazy enough to choose a dead planet and its deader tribes to write about, but finding that paper would be too difficult. The biggest issue, however, is that Aventurine believes this dish should not and cannot exist. The stinging nettle leaves his mother used are no longer available, and while he didn't know much about cooking at the time, he was aware that all of the spices he knew were almost extinct. He's looked enough to know.

"I'll be honest, I had some trouble locating the ingredients for it and had to swap the majority of them because I couldn't find them. I really wanted to bring back a familiar feeling, even if it tastes very different from how you remember it. Plus, it's the thought that counts, right?"

In contrast to the light-hearted language, your writing is slightly wobbly and darker here, and Aventurine wonders if you realise your emotions seep through every single one of your actions, laid bare for the world to see.

Noting the disappearance of their owner, curious, the catcakes peep into the kitchen are immediately alarmed to see their owner sitting on the counter stool, sobbing and clutching a box. Spade, unsure of what to do, nuzzles it's head on Aventurine's leg, while the others meow in an attempt to calm him down. Aventurine hasn't sobbed in a long time—he can't remember how to anymore. His body shakes with each ragged and broken sob, sounding shattered and damaged, but he can't stop.

"I hope it brings you fond memories" is what you wrote down, but are you aware of the full impact of what you did for him? Most likely not. Aventurine cherishes all of his memories, including the unpleasant ones: as long as it involves his family. His misery knows no bounds, but he's only had a few years with his sister, and even fewer with his mother. So even the saddest memories are never forgotten, so he can preserve as much of them as possible. They live through his memories, after all.

Even when plain, his mother's meals provided him with more warmth than anything else back then. To feel that warmth decades later is a blessing he can't repay— but a blessing nonetheless. He doesn't have many memories like this one either, gentle and happy, contrary to the endless memories of struggling. He remembers their love so vividly right now, feels it so strongly, alongside yours— that he has no choice but to revel in it.

(Come tomorrow , when he's sober, puffy-eyed from crying and not as vulnerable, he'll have trouble figuring your reasoning. But for now, he'll be fine. Tonight, he'll go to sleep feeling loved. Tonight, his pets will cuddle him to sleep. Tonight, he'll dream of a Sigonia Only he knows.)

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A/N: I'm honestly still so embarrassed about this bc I have an idea but can't execute it like I want to and 🫠🫠 As always, comments and reblogs are really appreciated!! Thank you for reading <3

#my writing #aventurine #please i wanna write hcs so bad thwy qont take this much thinking why did i

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whatifyoulivelikethat · 4 years ago

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headspace, m | jjk

pairing(s): jungkook x reader

summary: You try so hard, so very hard to not let Jeon Jungkook have the effect he has on you. You have things to do. But you’re always in his arms again, because you can’t stop thinking about him and he knows it.

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; smut (fem reader, fingering, lil bit of spanking, doggy, hair-pulling, cock warming); PWP; softdom!Jungkook

this post, basically + I found a mysterious hickey on my neck and idk where it came from and it stayed there for days at first i wasn’t going to post this, but who knows, maybe you all want to know what happens in my head when JK is out here looking that good. maybe this is what you’re thinking too, lmao

"Ah, Jungkook, w-wait!"

Already all up in your face, pressing you against the wall, grabbing your thighs and sinking his fingers into them, lifting you up, up.

"Wait for what?" was Jeon Jungkook's hot whisper into your neck. "What am I waiting for, after you look at me like that?"

"I... I didn't..."

"You did."

He planted your legs around his waist, forcing you to grab his shoulders so you wouldn't fall, gripping the black linen fabric, his dangling silver earrings brushing against your silver rings, knuckles, and the backs of your hands. He reached up and pushed your head down to make you stare into his dark brown eyes.

"You looked at them all with a smile, but your eyes lingered on me."

Fuck, his eyes were so pretty.

The fucking shape, so fucking sexy with the way the upper lid curved downward a little in the inner corner, fanning out to that roundness, then his lashes flaring upwards at the end. Paired with that intense gaze and it was a deadly combination.

"Lie to my face. Try it."

His voice was deep but gentle, pinning you between the wall and himself, hardness surrounding your softness. You gazed straight into those dangerous eyes.

"You're going to keep trying, aren't you?"

His pink lips curved into a smirk. "Yes."

His hands went back down, sliding under your red velvet skirt, squeezing your bare thighs. Drumming upwards slowly, sinking his fingers into your ass.

"I told you to stop annoying me."

He kneaded your ass slowly. "You did. And yet I still have the key. You haven't changed the locks to keep me out," he purred, leaning in, pressing his hard chest on yours. Even through the cropped white sweatshirt and his black linen shirt you could feel him, feel his strength and his power over you. "Shall I just stay here from now on? Since you so obviously want me here."

"J-Jungkook..."

Eyes on yours, eyebrow cocked.

"Go ahead and say it. Tell me to get out. Tell me you don't want me," he breathed onto your chin, nails digging into your ass. "Tell me your lies."

"Shut up."

You tilted your head and pressed your lips to his, one hand sliding up to hold his head in place as you kissed him hard, his smirk into your kiss. For such a taunting mouth, he had a lovely kiss, capturing your lips gently, tongue flitting between them. You were sliding down the wall and Jungkook shoved you back up, stepping closer to the wall to sandwich you harder into it, breaking the kiss.

"I have things to do..." you murmured, pushing his long hair back and tucking it behind his ear. Jungkook continued smirking at you, amused by your verbal monologue. "I'm busy, I'm tired, there are people waiting on me..." His dark eyes sparkled with danger. "And you always make me want you instead."

One of his eyebrows quirked. "What a terrible predicament."

You narrowed your eyes. "You're so troublesome."

He smiled, and despite your frustrations, it was a genuine one. It was hard to stay mad at Jungkook.

"I know."

He kissed you this time, making you tingle all over, moaning softly as his tongue played with yours. With a chuckle, he picked you up and leaned you against him, forcing you to clamp your thighs around his waist and your arms to wrap around his neck as he carried you, far too easily for your liking. Jungkook was a strong man. In too many ways, honestly.

"We can just play for a little while," Jungkook purred. "You love playing with me, don't you?"

"Too much, I think..."

He turned and sat on the bed, adjusting your knees to be on either side of him, kissing down your neck, fingertips sliding under your panties.

"Someone is going to think I'm obsessed with you," you puffed, slight irritation in your tone as he pulled up, shoving your panties in between your ass.

"You aren't?" he teased.

"You want me to be," you retorted. Jungkook was squeezing your ass, spreading it out, digging his fingers into it.

"Yes, I do." He licked up your neck and you shivered. His lips kept going up, chaste kisses compared to the manhandling of your ass. Your hair fluffed as he breathed into your ear. "Want this pretty head to be full of thoughts of me." His deft fingers slipped under, stroking the slick wetness. "We always have such fun when you give in to me, don't we?"

Fuck, why did he have to have such a beautiful voice, so rich and so much depth, taking you away to his world?

"And you always, always give in to me."

Two fingers into your pussy, sinking into wet warmth, your eyelids fluttering, arms wrapping around his head, fingers tangling in his black locks, gasping as he thrust them in and out of you, whispering your name hotly in your ear, licking it lightly every time he buried himself all the way to his knuckles.

"P-Please, Jungkook... let me breathe a l-little..."

His head dipped down and you buried your nose into his hair, smelling the sweet scent of product he used, dark stands curled around your fingers and silver rings, pleasure swirling up from your core. He was so good. So fucking good and he probably didn't even know exactly how good he was.

"Just breathe me," Jungkook said to your neck, nipping at the space between your collarbones, leaving small red marks. "I'll be your oxygen. I'll be anything you want, everything you want, make you love me more and more until there's no one else but me."

And then his teeth sank down, biting your neck possessively, to the right and above your collarbone, your head falling back to give him more space, increasing his pace in your pussy so that the wet smacking sounds became louder to match your cries. Deep, hard, rough, just the way you liked it, and one glance down found Jungkook's dark eyes boring into you, chocolatey and heavenly, stubbornly telling you that he wasn't going to give up.

"Jungkook," you hissed. "You're making me crazy."

His pink tongue licked against his bite as he grinned.

You sucked in a breath and pushed his face into your chest, biting your lip to muffle your whine as you came, muscles tensing around his fingers, massaging them roughly as your juices soaked down. Did your skin run hot due to embarrassment or was it just the layers of clothes? Either way, you felt him chuckle as he pulled his fingers out, your panties snapping against your drenched slit uncomfortably. His other hand cupped around your head, tilting it to the side. Your cheek rested on his hair. His glistening fingers in your view, spreading out with strings of your juices in between his joints.

Yup, it was embarrassment.

Jungkook put his fingers in his mouth and you didn't look, cheeks burning hot. He nuzzled your neck, lapping at his mark on you.

"Hm. People are going to see that one," he purred. "That's good."

"People at work are going to think I'm unprofessional," you mumbled.

"Take off your clothes then. I'll mark you in other places."

I'm already marked all over by you, you thought to yourself. You twirled your fingers around the black strip of fabric around his neck, undoing the tie and slipping it down, watching the scarf trail around the curve, a shape you stared at far too much and his mischievous smirk wasn't helping.

"You going to use this on me?" Without knowing it, your voice had become smokey and hazy, matching his playfulness. "Is that why you wore it?"

His large hand closed around yours, finger by finger, still a little damp from his mouth and your juices. Smirking with that flirtatious spark in his eye, maybe innocent at one point but certainly not now because he invaded your head and did it on purpose, caressing your knuckles as he spoke.

"You know I can be anything for you," Jungkook drawled, eyebrow arching gracefully. "In this space, I'm all yours." He pulled the tie out of your fingers slowly, centimeter by centimeter of black linen slipping from your fingers, followed by your sanity with his silvery voice. "If it's what you want, I'll do it."

Every time.

Every fucking time.

And how could you be mad at those eyes, those lips, that face, inviting you to worship him and love him?

You swore there was a time before Jeon Jungkook, but now you couldn't remember and he wasn't letting you remember, pulling you to the center of the bed, taking off your white sweatshirt, yanking down your red velvet skirt, letting you tug at the buttons of his black shirt, pushing it down his shoulders, kissing the exposed skin, his taste flooding your mouth. His hands on your back, digging his nails in, raking down, pleased by the way you shuddered against him, unhooking your bra as you unzipped his slacks. It just wasn't fair, not fair at all how handsome and cute Jungkook was, how hard his muscle was and how soft his touch was, the way he balanced his fingertips on your chin and tipped it up, kissing you again, your name in his lips, melting your ice with his fire, gasping softly as your fingers skimmed his ass and thighs, drawing patterns in his skin.

"I love your kisses," he panted. "They're a perfect combination. Erotic and needy and demanding."

Closer, his hands sliding down, the lightest pressure, guiding you down onto the pillows, the scarf still wrapped around his right hand.

"And the sounds you make." Dropping his head, kissing the curve of your breasts, nudging your silver necklaces away, biting at times, making you moan and bury your fingers in that soft hair once more, black against your silver rings. "Want you to make them over and over again for me, only me..."

His lips around your nipple, tongue so soft but sucking so hard, your back arcing and his eyes on his bites, knowing they'd be there for a while, and yet you could tell he still wanted to do more, wanted his permanent mark on you.

"Jungkook..."

His piercing gaze on you as he detached his lips, switching sides, listening but not stopping. Wrapping his tongue around the hardened nub, sending shocks of pleasure through your nerves, long hair messy and tangled from your fingers. You chewed on your lip, curling your fingers into his scalp, not trying to hurt him but unable to contain the apprehension within you. His lips parted seeing your expression, brushing against your nipple as he spoke.

"Don't look so guilty."

Hands on your hips, pulling you down to his face, the scent of your own nipples heavy in his breath as he laid kisses on your cheeks.

"I don't look this nice just for me, you know. You have to appreciate me."

Imprinting his touch all over you, nails scratching up your skin, fingerprints from his grip, nipping at your swollen lips.

"I'll help you feel good. I promise."

All I can think about is you. You're the worst, Jungkook.

You took the black scarf from him, unwrapping it from his hand. Backed up, feeling his eyes on you, nearly black with lust, watching you collect your hair back and twist the strip around and around, his smirk growing with every second as you tied it off.

"Convenient."

Jungkook knew what you wanted, grabbing you by the hips and flipping you around, making you scramble and gasp at his forcefulness, your silver necklaces hitting you in the chest. On hands and knees now, your favorite, his hand splayed across your back and pressing your shoulder blades down, other hand clutching your panties and yanking, moaning as he watched your juices drip down, snapping against your thighs.

"That's a pretty pussy," he breathed, leaning in. You whimpered as his fingers slid in once again, three this time, fuck, almost too many, stretching you out. You clenched around them, making Jungkook moan. "Mmm, fuck yes, so fucking tight, my cock is going to feel so good inside you…"

He found what he was looking for and nudged your hand with it, the sharp edges of the foil pocket tapping against your rings.

"Reach back for me. Get me hard for you."

"But I haven’t taken off my–"

"Shh, I still have my underwear on, go ahead."

You bit your lip and extended your hand back awkwardly, careful with your rings, palming his semi-hard cock through his boxer briefs as he shoved his fingers into you repeatedly, straightening his back to watch.

"Yes, that's it," Jungkook groaned, putting more force into it, earning the moans he was waiting for, your muscles tensing around his fingers, obscene, sloppy smacks of your viscous juices tainting the room. "Love watching your ass bounce, so fucking sexy..."

He liked watching you struggle too, hand grasping his cock and rubbing the wet spot around the head, jerked around by his fingers, mouth open and unable to catch your breath, his name a dry rasp between curses.

"Jungkook, a-ah... please..."

So hard, throbbing under your fingertips, straining for release.

"Want it... please... w-want your cock to ruin me..."

You heard him chuckle, sliding his fingers out and striking your clit. You yelped sharply, turning into breathless cries as he rubbed your clit with his slick fingers, calluses adding to the friction.

"How can I say no to that?" he drawled. "You want to make me feel good too, hm?"

"Y-Yes, ah, fuck, Jungkook, please..."

You dropped your hand, clutching the sheets, screaming into them, pleasure overtaking you with a sharp throb, hips shaking with effort as your orgasm crashed down, rolling your hips into his touch. Dragged out, eyes rolling back, moan trickling from your lips as he pressed his fingers into your engorged clit, feeling it pulse violently as you rode your high.

"So fucking hot," he breathed. "You want me that bad?"

There was no point in lying now.

"Fuck, yes I do, fuck."

Jungkook snickered, flicking his fingers against your sensitive opening before removing it. You flinched, hearing the sound of the condom being torn open. Your name fell from his lips, teasing, warm, too much familiarity.

"What?"

One hand on your hip, the other smacking your ass. You sucked in a breath, bracing yourself.

"You have a pretty back."

"Oh… Thanks?"

And then a high-pitched moan tore through you as he suddenly filled you up with one quick thrust, tensing every muscle in your body, Jungkook groaning with effort, knowing you would tell him to stop if it was too much, but you weren’t telling him because, even if you were tight, you were also so wet that he entered with minimal effort. It was easy for him, slipping in all the way to the base, his crotch slapping into your ass. Too easy. Fuck, you liked him too fucking much.

“Such a tiny little pussy,” he purred, squeezing your flesh, inhaling sharply as you fitted around him. “You need a cock to stretch you out, don’t you?”

You wiggled your ass into his hips. “Jungkook…”

“Hand, please.”

You whimpered and presented your right hand. His fingers curled around your forearm, gripping tight.

“Hold on now.”

His left hand dug into your hip as he began to fuck you, hard, satisfying, penetrating thrusts of pure power that made you cry out, slamming your left hand into the headboard, pushing back to hold yourself in place and prevent your body from sliding up because he was fucking you so hard, and it was so good, so perfect, your wetness squelching around him, the feeling of suddenly being almost empty then full, empty then full, power and pleasure. Why did he feel so good? Why did it feel so good, uncontrollable moans and pants of his name as he took you from behind?

“You’re holding me so well, fuck, so nice and tight for me,” Jungkook hissed, hand leaving your hip and you knew what was coming, your hips moving of their own accord, meeting his rough thrusts as his left hand grasped your ponytail, wrapping it around his palm, tugging slightly, forcing your head to lift, your silver necklaces jangling against your breasts, whimpering almost pathetically, but it was so good, so good, the little jolts of pain and his cock pounding you and you meeting him, core tightening at his insistent gentle yanks.

“Fuck, so sexy,” he muttered. “Such soft hair, pretty wrists, plump ass fucking me back, aren’t you just the perfect little plaything for me?” His words seeping into you, smokey and hazy with lust, the depth taking you under, drowning in your orgasm as the pleasure rocked through you, and he didn’t stop, simply fucking you through it with a hiss, your name an immoral drawl, paired with the lewd squelching of how fucking wet you were for Jeon Jungkook. “How can I go anywhere else when this pussy needs me so bad, hm? When you demand to be fucked and wrecked by this cock?”

“Jungkook, ah, fuck!”

“That’s it, keep cumming for me, cum all over my cock, fuck, feels so fucking good when you clench like that.”

You were going to lose your fucking mind, with his hand on your hair and his other dropping your forearm, grabbing your hip once again so he could fuck you harder, deeper, the bed shaking with the force. You tried to bury your face into the pillows, but couldn’t because of his grip on your hair, so you just wailed out his name, probably far too loud, tightening all around his entire length, oh fuck, tipping over the edge once more, so wet you could feel it trickling down your clit and thighs, the violent smacking of flesh to flesh causing thick drops to hit your sheets.

Everything smelled like sex. Everything was sex.

And there was nothing in your head but Jeon Jungkook’s cock ruining you.

“Fuck, Jungkook, fuck me, you’re so fucking good!”

You heard Jungkook moan your name, ramming his hips into you one last time as he came, cock jerking as he filled the condom with strings of cum. His grip on your ponytail tensed and he yanked your head up, forcing you to arch your back and rut your ass into him, elongating the pleasure.

“A-ah, Jungkook…”

“Shh…”

Your hands poised under you, your necklaces stuck to your chest, trapped in the uncomfortable position, squeezing him periodically. He groaned at the sensation, pressed against your ass.

“Feels so fucking good,” he murmured. “You still gonna act like you don’t want me?”

Your cheeks flared with heat. He released your hair and reached around, cupping your chin, pushing you to him as he met you halfway, his lips against your ear. You could feel the warmth radiating off his face, beads of sweat brushing against your ear and neck. Breath so hot it was making your pulse race. He was slipping out a little, but your pussy tightened around him. He snickered right into your ear. You shivered, a low moan leaving your throat.

“… Don’t…”

His tongue slid out and traced your earlobe. “Don’t what?”

“Don’t… do this to me…”

Lips right on your hot, hot skin, on fire for Jeon Jungkook, his whisper always in your thoughts.

“Have to. You still want me, don’t you?”

Fuck.

“… Yeah.”

masterpost

#jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #jungkook smut #bts smut #jungkook scenarios #jungkook fanfic #jeon jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook x you #jeon jungkook smut

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ouyangzizhensdad · 4 years ago

Note

RE: WWX and his arc being about trauma. I got into the fandom through CQL and the first time I saw it I actually read a lot of his actions post the burning of Lotus Cove as being influenced by his trauma. He's paranoid even before getting thrown into the burial mounds. He seems to be self medicating with alchohol (which WQ kinda calls him out on). He over-reacts to a lot things, which seems to me like a nasty case of emotional dysregulation as a result of PTSD. He avoids all kinds (1/3)

Of reminders of his tramua, his sword being the greatest example but there were other little things. He never gave much of a fuck about propriety but the way he completely igonres it (and the possible social fallout) later speaks to me less about not caring and more about not *having* the emotional capacity to care, much like what happens with depression. Plus, a lot of his behaviour can be read with various shades of being self destructive, and there are just in general a lot of points (2/3)

Where it's made clear that he's in a pretty bad headspace (him crying about being useless in the burial mounds for example), but none of that ever really gets dealt with so all of those issues are still hanging under the surface even if they're not apparent all the time. I mean, this is just my take, but at least imo WWX ticks a lot of the checkboxes for PTSD in the drama and it explains a lot about the way he acts and the bad decisions he makes. Hope this was helpful! (3/3)

I'm only referring to the drama btw, not the novel (which I haven't read yet). My memory is terrible so I'm not sure if I made it clear or not lol. Anyways, have a good day ^^

Hi there,

I am always curious when people who have only engaged with CQL end up engaging with my novel-only meta blog but perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised: if CQL posts end up in the mdzs tag, why not the opposite? I’ve seen some of my novel meta reblogged and tagged with “the untamed” and “CQL” so maybe the answer is already out there, staring at me in the face!

I’ll start by saying that I do not wish to really argue with people’s interpretations of CQL since I consider that MDZS and CQL are very different works because so many changes were made in the process of adapting the novel, and I personally have no interest in analysing CQL except wrt how it can help us better understand the novel (seeing certain elements removed or changed may help us understand why they mattered in the first place or what their use was). So I will speak to the arguments that could be applied to the novel and why *I* don’t think WWX’s arc in the novel is about trauma, and why I don’t think that picking up certain behaviours that can be exhibited by people with PTSD (but not exclusively by people with PTSD) is enough in itself to support the idea that a character’s arc is about trauma/shaped by PTSD. That does not mean that my interpretation is the only acceptable one--I am aware that a lot of people disagree with me on this and see trauma as a central theme/central part of WWX’s arc--and so I expect that a lot of people will disagree with my points (hopefully after they’ve read this post in good faith). And that’s perfectly fine: how likely is it that we can find another person who will agree 100% with our own interpretation of a work of fiction? And having divergent opinions floating around the fandom, or having to develop counter-arguments is a good way to strengthen our own pov if we don’t find ourselves convinced by that other interpretation, so it’s all good.

So first, I’ll address the biggest point of my argument before moving to address more specific points you raise in your ask. For me, WWX’s characterisation is not about trauma but about resilience.

So first, let’s clarify some things. Going through adversity/experiencing a situation that is difficult =/= experiencing trauma. Trauma is a concept referring to a potential response to going through adversity/experiencing something distressing or disturbing. In short, trauma as it is conceptualised and understood is not universal: not only in the sense that is a spatiotemporally specific concept used to make certain experiences intelligible, but as the reaction to difficult events (as well, what is considered to be an experience that falls under that concept is not itself universal and can take many gorms, and the behaviours and thoughts associated with trauma are generally not exclusive to it, ie having certain behaviours/thought processes is not an automatic proof that someone is dealing with trauma/ptsd). So after all this word vomit I want to clarify that my intent is not to suggest that WWX doesn’t go through experiences that are likely to cause trauma, but that to me, what is being portrayed is a different reaction to these events: resilience (if a slightly more “fictional” portrayal of resilience than what it would be presented in psychology/psychiatry).

Resilience refers to how people adapt or recover successfully from adversity/distressing situation/stress. That does not mean that people’s first reaction to adversity/distressing situations will be not defined by negative emotions, of course. For instance, I don’t think WWX’s heightened paranoia/emotional state directly after the fall of LP when he goes to look for JC is an indication of trauma because at this point WWX is still deep in the middle of that moment of adversity: he’s still a fugitive in the middle of a war, in the middle of danger. This also doesn’t mean that people cannot still have some temporary negative reactions to things that happened to them, afterwards: WWX having to pause when JC presents him with Suibian after he returns from Mass Grave Hill is not inherently an indication of trauma as it can be read that his sword a reminder of the difficult sacrifice he made--and the consequences he faced as a result (just because a situation was not traumatic doesn’t mean we enjoy revisiting it).

Why I think that WWX’s arc or characterisation is about resilience rather than trauma is because of many things, but mostly I want to point out two sections of the novel in particular.

First, this characterisation of WWX through JYL that we get relatively early in the novel:

Most memories from back then were already blurred. Yet, Jin Ling’s mother, Jiang Yanli, remembered all of them, and even told him quite a few. She said that, after his father heard of the news that his parents both died in battle, he had always dedicated himself to finding the child that these past friends had left behind. After searching for a while, he finally found the child in Yiling.

The first time they met, Wei Wuxian was kneeling on the ground, eating the fruit peels that somebody tossed on the ground. Yiling’s winter and spring were quite cold, yet the child only wore thin layers. His knees were already tattered, and on his feet were two different shoes that didn’t fit at all. As he was looking down, searching for fruit peels, Jiang Fengmian called him. He still remembered that there was a “Ying” in his name, so he lifted his head. Although his cheeks were both red and chapped from the cold, he still wore a smile.

Jiang Yanli said that he was born with a smiling look. No matter what unfortunate thing happened, he wouldn’t cling on to them; no matter what situation he was in, he would be happy. Although it sounded a bit heartless, it really was not bad.

This refers to a time of his life that is extremely difficult: he lost both his parents suddenly, at a young age, became suddenly homeless with no means to feed himself except to beg, and yet the only trauma he seems to carry from this experience is related to dogs. To me, this is a clear move from MXTX to position WWX as the kind of protagonist who can face a storm and keep his smile on his face. I can imagine that some people take it perhaps as a subversion, as the text telling us that WWX is weathering it all with a smile but underneath it all he is just a bundle of unaddressed trauma. And that’s certainly a possible interpretation, but it’s not mine. In this case I think the text is being straightforward. What we see of WWX also seems to support that: the way WWX just rolls with being brought back from the death, how easily he finds a way to adapt to things, etc.

I also find it meaningful that the novel choses to include in its ultimate chapter this discussion as part of its wrap-up of WWX’s journey and of Wangxian’s relationship.

After they left the shop, Wei Wuxian still sat on Xiao Pingguo while Lan Wangji held the reins in front.Swaying left and right atop the donkey, Wei Wuxian took the flute from his waist and placed it by his lips. The limpid notes flew across the sky like birds. Lan Wangji halted and listened quietly.

It was the song he sang for Wei Wuxian when they were stuck in the Xuanwu cave. It was also the song that Wei Wuxian just so happened to have played at Dafan Mountain, the song that enabled Lan Wangji to confirm his identity.

When he finished, Wei Wuxian winked his left eye towards Lan Wangji.

“How was it? Beautiful, huh?”

Lan Wangji slowly nodded. “For once.”

Wei Wuxian knew that ‘for once’ referred to how his memory was good for once. He could not help but smile.

“Don’t always be so angry about it. It was my fault in the past, alright? Besides, my terrible memory should be accredited to my mom.” Wei Wuxian propped his arm on Xiao Pingguo’s head, spinning Chenqing in his hand. “My mom said you have to remember the things others do for you, not the things you do for others. Only when people don’t hold so much in their hearts would they finally feel free.”

This was one of the only things he remembered about his parents.

Of course, this is not a direct reference to resilience as it is explored in psychology. But to me it speaks to that idea: one of the biggest lesson WWX has kept with him, one of his only memory of--and thus legacy from--his parents, is this idea that we should not hold so much in our hearts. It also reframes his bad memory as being the result of a philosophy, of an approach to life that not just about being grateful/paying your debts to others, but also a form of resilience, in a sense.

As well, I find that a lot of people who go with the trauma interpretation see WWX’s actions and thoughts processes dyring his YLLZ’s days as being the result of his ptsd, where I personally read it as the influence of modao. I am aware as well that some people do not think that modao actually harmed WWX during that period of his life, but I don’t think that LWJ would have been worried if there were not reasons to believe it would:

One against two, Lan Wangji still refused to back off. He gazed at Wei Wuxian, “Wei Ying, for cultivating an evil path you would eventually have to pay. Throughout time, there has not been a single exception.”

Wei Wuxian, “I can pay.”

Seeing how unconcerned he seemed to be, Lan Wangji lowered his voice, “The path would not only damage your body, but your heart as well (此道损身，更损心性。)”

So now, onto the specific points you raised in the ask.

Self-medicating with alcohol: WWX is shown to enjoy and drink large amounts of alcohol before the fall of LP and after most of the events of the novel have unfolded. In the novel, while WQ tries to make WWX stop drinking, it is as likely to believe that it is for his health (now that he doesn’t have a golden core) than it would be because she was worried he was self-medicating. As well, heavy drinking is a very normalized behaviour (although most physicians don’t think it’s a good thing) in a lot of cultures and times, and considering WWX’s higher tolerance and his general demeanor while imbricated, his drinking is not shown to have a negative effect on his ability to live his life. The line between “self-soothing” (normal aspect of being humans dealing with emotions and hardships) and “self-medicating” (pathological) is hard to trace with alcohol consumption. As well, just because people with PTSD may self-medicate with alchohol doesn’t mean all people who self-medicate with alcohol do it because of PTSD.

He's paranoid even before getting thrown into the burial mounds. As I mentioned briefly before, WWX is at the time a fugitive in the middle of a war: he’s still in the middle of those stressful events and his paranoia is not necessarily a maladaptive response since they are still very much fugitives in the middle of a war. Trauma is not really your reaction during but in the aftermath. It would be more telling if WWX were still exhibiting signs of paranoia in situations where he would have no reasons to.

He over-reacts to a lot things, which seems to me like a nasty case of emotional dysregulation as a result of PTSD. I’m not certain at which reactions you are referring to here, but especially considering that some of this might be chalked up to acting choices since this is based on CQL, I probably won’t address this one point too much in relation to the novel. I do want to emphasize though that we’ve seen prior to Sunshot campaign that WWX can be quite impulsive in certain situations (hitting JZX for insulting Shijie, which he does both before and after the events of the Sunshot Campaign). As well, I do think it’s important to remember that he is still in the middle of the war during the Sunshot campaign, and that he is also hiding something pretty important from the people close to him and living a sort of double life, on top of experiencing fatigue/hunger in a way he hasn’t for years due to the loss of his golden core. In short, there are a lot of things going on that can be used to explain what can be seen as “over-reactions” without necessarily going with PTSD.

avoids all kinds reminders of his trauma, his sword being the greatest example but there were other little things. I’ve broached in my previous discussions, but it’s also pertinent to remember his mom’s philosophy: we can also see this as WWX trying to leave in the pass this difficult sacrifice he made in order to move forward.

He never gave much of a fuck about propriety but the way he completely ignores it (and the possible social fallout) later speaks to me less about not caring and more about not *having* the emotional capacity to care, much like what happens with depression. I have to disagree with that interpretation of WWX and WWX’s actions, but again this might just be a case of CQL-only vs novel-only interpretations of the character. One thing WWX thinks about being reborn in a “lunatic’s” body is that he’ll get to have fun, the way he never could when his actions reflected on others. So while at times WWX flaunts propriety, he is aware of how his actions can impact others and show in different situations that he is aware of propriety. His choice to protect the Wen Remnants goes against that, for sure, but it isn’t necessarily a case of not understanding the possible social fallout so much as putting other things (ie his life-debt towards WN and WQ) before propriety, as we can see for example in this exchange.

Jiang Cheng, “I’m the one who fucking wants to give you a thrashing! Yes, they helped us before, but why in the world don’t you understand that right now any remnant of the Wen Sect is a target of criticism! No matter who they are, with a surname of Wen they have committed a most heinous crime! And those who protect the Wen are at risk of being condemned by everyone! All the people loathe the Wen-dogs so badly that the worse they die the better. Whoever protects them is against the entire world. Nobody would speak for them, and nobody would speak for you either!”

“I don’t need anyone to speak for me.”

[...]

Swords unsheathed, the two stared at each other for a while. Neither was willing to take a single step back. A while later, Jiang Cheng spoke, “Wei Wuxian, have you still not realized what the situation at hand is like? Do you really need me to say it out loud? If you insist on protecting them, then I won’t be able to protect you.”

“There’s no need to protect me. Just let go.”

Jiang Cheng’s face twisted.

Wei Wuxian, “Just let go. Tell the world that I defected. From now on, no matter what Wei Wuxian does, it’d have nothing to do with YunmengJiangShi.”

“… All for the Wen Sect…? Wei Wuxian, do you have a savior complex? Is it that you’ll die if you don’t stand up for someone and stir up some trouble?”

Wei Wuxian stayed quiet. A while later, he answered, “So that’s why we should cut ties right now, in case anything I do affects YunmengJiangShi in the future.”

a lot of his behaviour can be read with various shades of being self destructive Which ones, specifically? I’m not trying to be obtuse, but I’m not sure which ones you mean.

he's in a pretty bad headspace (him crying about being useless in the burial mounds for example) It needs to be said that the crying is only in CQL (it was an acting choice by XZ). My memory is playing tricks on me, but I think pre-rebirth we only see him cry after he kills JZX and after JYL’s death? Someone please fact-check me on this.

Since I don’t believe it was MXTX’s intent to make WWX’s characterisation and arc about trauma, I do feel like interpreting the different behaviours as signs of his PTSD might lead us to miss out on other potential interpretations or meanings behind these choices, if we put aside the PTSD angle. It may also lead us to deny the text the possibility to signify something different through these behaviours and signs, especially on a thematic level--to explore something about how events and emotions shape us in a manner that exists outside of modern psychiatric classification.

TLDR (because god this got long): My point is not that WWX is unaffected by the things that happened to him or the things he’s done during this portion of his life: of course he is! Especially as they are happening to him, or when he is still stuck in a very difficult situation. But I don’t think his character and his arc is about trauma but instead about resilience. That, at the end of MDZS, WWX is still the person JYL described: No matter what unfortunate thing happened, he wouldn’t cling on to them.

#wintersrchild #mdzs meta #mdzs #wwx #maybe i should tag this as unpopular opinion? just in case

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mournersrp · 4 years ago

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𝐍𝐎 𝐌𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐒, 𝐍𝐎 𝐅𝐔𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋𝐒. once again, thank you all so much for the dedication put into applying here at mourners ; it’s truly been a pleasure reading all of your applications &. i’m tremendously grateful. turning down an application is never an easy process, and there were many instances in which i wished i could permit a duplicate upon the dash. with that said, i’m looking forward to both speaking &. plotting with each of you tomorrow ( bear with me while all pages &. skeletons are properly updated ) — welcome to mourners ! please review our checklist and report to the barrel boss within the next twenty - four hours.

𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐉 𝐆𝐇𝐀𝐅𝐀

VENLI ! choosing an inej for mourners was ... a feat, as each applicant displayed an exquisite version of our wraith, but what swayed me in the end was the balance you kept between who she was while with the dregs &. who she became without them. the details surrounding intricacies of her newfound crewmen ( &. her family post their reunion ) in which helped shape the woman outside the barrel were lovely to read ( her thoughts on rilar, in particular, were both authentic &. entertaining ) ; i could picture the scenes in earnest. i also loved the mention of how she came to understand kaz’s own vices after having to face her own whilst sailing the seas. thank you for taking the time to apply — i look forward to seeing your inej in play.

𝐉𝐄𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐀𝐇𝐄𝐘

NOAH ! the bit about kaz disproving jesper’s exaggerated stories had me rolling, and your headcanon regarding jesper being an absolute catastrophe in the kitchen ( gordon ramsay is unamused ) ? you wrote it best: ‘ tall, lanky, restless, distracted, easily bored. ’. incredibly handsome, but certainly cannot focus on a single recipe. on a serious note ( despite the consistent, comical little tidbits which made your application such a pleasure to read ), the grasp upon his character you presented between struggling with guilt &. penitence was flawless, and something i look forward to seeing explored on the dash.

𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐀𝐒 𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐕𝐀𝐑

ABBY ! there was so much i loved about your matthias, but i especially appreciated how you incorporated the other skeletons into interpersonal plot points for him. the attention to detail within matthias’ headspace when ruminating over them was absolutely believable to his character. the vast detail you supplied for each personality trait &. headcanons were so indicative of who he’s been and who he’s become ( or trying so desperately to be ). i’m interested to see his reactions to henrik’s next moves just as much as you, and where our drüskelle will stand, then. oh, and abby, what’s the first rule about fight club ?

𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐀 𝐙𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐊

EMILY ! ah, yes, nina, our waffle queen. her past, present &. sought future were crafted so wonderfully within your application ; i particularly loved your headcanon dealing with her time as a heartrender, where nina stubbornly wished to understand the small science whilst her peers were occupied with morozov’s manuals. it was a pleasure to be able to read her thoughts on the grisha she’s become, the label of corpsewitch adhered to her, the burden it has also set upon her as ‘ self - appointed grisha guardian angel ’. &. i do hope you get to share those plot ideas with some of our fellow grisha, as your points revolving around them were so well thought out and executed. also, you’re right — kaz gets way too into the costumes.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐍

HARPER ! i’m ready to interact with felix. it’s no wonder kaz made him a deal — tragedy maketh man, and if there’s one thing dirtyhands can comprehend, it’s being dealt a bad hand. i love the idea in which you set forth that he’s lived his life in such silence, that there are those who have known him for several years, but haven’t heard even a whisper slip from his tongue. the way you transitioned felix’s headcanons into the pivotal moments of his life made it a blast to read through ( especially during the deal, where we got a good look at the first devil in his life — do old habits die hard, in the end ? ). once again, welcome to mourners ( i foresee much plotting in our future ).

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑

ALEX ! we do love a good destroyer, and marlaina is no exception. she knows her power &. is not afraid to unleash it, a trait that, while prized within the dregs, can also become a nightmare. after all, control &. patience can be key. the idea that she’s particularly skilled at cards ( as well as banned from most gambling halls ) was a fresh addition to the skeleton, as i quite love the idea of our hellish heartrender pushing her luck at the crow’s club ( when has that ever ended badly ? ). i agree it’d be an interesting concept to see her have another grisha under her wing, especially when she herself is always so keen to detonate — her desertion, however, will surely catch up with her soon.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑

MARGOT ! you have spun the impostor into an entirely new medium, and produced a character that went beyond the skeleton provided. ‘ prison changed you. for the better. you’re more fun now, sociable and loud, like a cannon, truly. so loud everybody jumps when you burst into a room. ’ one of the first few lines in your application, but what immediately captured my attention and had me buckle in. i never considered that the target in which damned the impostor to the depths of hellgate could be family, but now i’d not have it any other way. aris is a world class actor &. i cannot wait to help you set the stage ( &. maybe watch it burn in the process ).

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐈𝐄𝐔𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐀𝐍𝐓

HENRY JUDE ! i wasn’t sure if there’d be a lieutenant at the start of mourners, so i was absolutely thrilled when receiving your application. an important player with a plethora of potential directions in which they could shift, and i can’t wait to see if jozef's includes the checkmate. the craftsmanship in your design for him was extraordinarily executed and quite poetic ; he was absolute pleasure to study. i look forward to plotting with you as well as discussing the similarities between our broken, disastrous muses ( also, i can’t believe we’re both aleksander morozova apologists ).

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐎𝐑

ARACELIA ! i’m in love with anya. you put so much adoration into her creation &. i cannot wait to see it bleed onto the dash ( you make it so hard to loathe a traitor ). her personality is so believably balanced, and more than what my own ideas surrounding the role initially included. the birth of a monster, the birth of a tailor &. the birth of an illusionist were impeccably composed stories which sewed her into existence. you’ve forged a character who is the definition of ‘ so much more than meets the eye ’ &. i am thrilled to have gotten the first look at our scarab queen.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐀𝐌𝐏𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐈𝐄𝐑 | EM ! i absolutely love the concept of aleni ( as kaz would say: she’s a particularly good investment ). with grisha within his crew, what better for an amplifier to do ? i was wondering if i’d see an application involving ketterdam’s university, and was immediately thrilled when seeing it pulled into aleni’s history. the idea that she loved ketterdam in any capacity is not something you tend to hear ( it died quickly, of course ), which was a unique mention within your wildcard. &. we will definitely have to discuss aleni mistakenly having amplified the inferni at fifth harbour, as i believe you’ve proposed an excellent idea.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐑𝐎𝐊𝐄𝐑 // 𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐇𝐀 𝐒𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐑 | IRIS ! to be introduced to valdis by way of your character summary was a treat. i absolutely loved the way it was written, and immediately knew why she’d made it into the dregs ( truly obsessed with her being the daughter of a pirate captain ). though she managed to escape her original work with braam, it seems, for a time, she had let history repeat itself, but with perhaps a better boss than originally at the helm. &. with a new debt paid, how fast till old loyalty dies ?

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 // 𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐇𝐀 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐑 | REE ! it’s all in the bones. a fjerdan fleeing for discovering themselves grisha is always something i’ve wanted to see explored, and now i have a front row seat. to be ostracized by their own &. then by a place of presumed sanctuary can induce a particular psychosis within the most stable of individuals, and we do love sigyn’s particular brand of crazy. you’ve provided an entirely fresh take on what is known of a grisha healer, and how such gifts may be construed when mixed with the beliefs of fjerda. thank you for delivering such a spellbinding character to mourners.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐋 | ALI ! with a vast cast of varying characters, i was thrilled to see that senna originally came from wealth ( it’s a different path to weave, one that usually draws more enemies than friends ). your application was so appreciated, providing a role in which started from the top &. careened to the bottom ( i do hope to see senna &. wylan swap stories, especially where senna has made strides to escape the tread of their father ). you call it their grand adventure, and in all its sinister glory, it’s only just begun. welcome to mourners ; let’s plot some blackmail.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐑 // 𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐇𝐀 𝐓𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐑 | NINA ! both applications for our resident tidemaker spun tales which were a pleasure to traverse, and i would have loved to have both turning the tides for the dregs. manu belongs in a novel, with all the devotion you’ve clearly put into him. &. i am ecstatic to at least have him for mourners’ chapters. when you wrote ‘ for the wanderer was nothing if not a mismatched family, made with kerch purple, fjerdan ice, kaelish fire, zemeni courage and ravkan boldness ’, i found myself able to refer to it whilst reading through the life authored for him, able to pick out these particular qualities on his way to the barrel. &. hopefully, he’ll reach the surface soon.

#accepted

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starkerintheparker · 5 years ago

Text

starker reclist - canon based fics

Hi Starker fam! To celebrate my 900 followers I decided to finally start posting my humble and very personal reclist. I’ve been planning to do it for a while now but it got way bigger than I anticipated so I decided to split it in 4 parts and will share the first one today. I’ve been around for less than a year and there’s a lot I haven’t read yet so my plan is to update this list as I go.

Under the cut is part I, solely is dedicated to canon-based fics. I’m a sucker for angst so most of my recs feature guilty!Tony, miscommunication, porn with feels and all that jazz. Hopefully you’ll be able to find something interesting according to your preferences. Oh and don’t forget to leave kudos, comments and spread the love for these authors :) Cheers!

Last updated: 2020/04/18. All new fics added will be marked with ***

• 10 Ways to Woo Your Boo by @darker-soft-starker (NR, 6k, completed)

Summary: By twenty-one Peter Parker had graduated college, scored himself a post-grad job and was a full-fledged member of the Avengers. He had his own apartment, paid his own bills and juggled his time between being a superhero and working enough to cover his rent. So long as Peter was armed with his ID, he was a full-fledged adult in the eyes of the law. Perhaps foolishly, he’d assumed it would make him an adult in the eyes of everybody else too. Keen to be seen as worthy of Tony's heart, Peter enlists the help of his friends and the internet in courting his former mentor.

Review: We all love Ash’s fantastic AUs but this lovely canon-based fic may be one of my favorite works by her. I will never know how she manages the fine balance between angst, humor and romance, I just know it hits me good and takes my breath away. Oblivious!Tony and Peter being a bisexual disaster at wooing, what do you mean this wasn’t in the movies? Sounds canon to me.

• 100-Point Restoration by Destina (T, 8k, completed)

Summary: Tony needs a happiness upgrade; Peter wants Tony. These goals might be compatible. (This story is set roughly five years post-Homecoming).

Review: I just realized this was the first Starker fic I’ve read, and it was back in 2017! I didn’t ship Starker at the time but this author must have done something right because for some reason I couldn’t take my eyes away. This fic is gorgeous. Tony’s voice is amazing, his dynamics with Peter are spot-on and organic - but nothing’s better than watching their feelings unfold, like a soft and warm humming just awaiting for disclosure.

• adult supervision by doveslayer (M, 20k, on hiatus)

Summary: Peter Parker should not keep drunk-dialing Tony Stark after midnight. But more pressingly, Tony Stark should not keep answering. In which Tony tries to convince himself he's doing nothing wrong. warning: underage!Peter tho pretty vanilla imo

Review: My favorite “everything is happening while nothing is happening” fic. Their voices are spot on, the dialogues are clever, and you can almost touch the tension with your fingertips. It’s been a year since the last update but even if this fic never gets finished I promise the read will have been worthy!

• Attached by @paspleurer (E, 7k, completed)

Summary: Tony gets it, he really does. As far as rebounds go, sleeping with your childhood hero isn't half bad. And if what Peter wants is this— just sex, with no strings attached— then Tony will give him this.

Review: Pleurer and Learned Foot have seduced me with the rebound trope. This is a lovely Tony POV with the good old pining + miscommunication combo, plus enthusiastic sex and sweet domesticity. What else could I ask for?

• Covet by RTC anonymous (E, 34k, completed)

Summary: Peter has a new boyfriend. Tony starts drinking again, for unrelated reasons.

Review: I read this fic when I was still warily lurking around the Starker fandom and it blew me away. The sexual tension is so palpable you can almost taste it. There is jealous, guity Tony failing at mentoring and a vulnerable, smitten Peter Parker trying to make sense out of it. RTC anon is a religion.

• Ephemeron by @ramblings-from-elsinore (E)

Summary: "Being around Ned, Peter's reminded how out of place he is. For Ned, the second ever appearance of aliens over Manhattan is the stuff of excited hallway chatter, of where were you when—? Ned’s world wasn’t blown apart and stitched back together. Because Ned doesn’t remember. No one does, except the ones who were there, who fought." AKA, "Tony's relationship with Peter may be unconventional, but they’re unconventional people who have had some pretty fucking unconventional experiences." In which Tony can't stop touching Peter to make sure he's real, and Peter dreams of being in Tony's arms and not disappearing.

Review: I started reading this fic before I joined the fandom and man, what a way to get pulled into this ship. Brace yourself for hardcore guilty!Tony being all over the place plus unhealthy codependency and touch deprivation, all the good things. Reading this is a spiritual experience but fair warning: this is not a happy story, at least not for a long while, so please mind the tags.

• Expiration Date by @learned-foot (E, 12k, completed)

Summary: Tony knows exactly what this is. First big breakup, go for a fling with a completely inappropriate person. It’s basically a cliché. He kind of thought Peter was better than that, but apparently being brilliant and one of the bravest people on the face of the planet doesn’t mean he’s immune from being a stupid college student who makes stupid college student mistakes. AKA Tony is sure this is just a fling, and he deals with that about as well as you’d expect.

Review: Ahh my beloved rebound trope and my first rec (out of many) by LF! Between a pining, insecure Tony making all the wrong decisions and a young and confident Peter unwilling to let him go, this fic makes your heart ache in the best ways. Good thing LF only works with happy endings!

• From Thy Bounty by @ibby-writes and feyrelay (E, 31k, completed)

Summary: Tony’s eyes are always dark, but now there's almost no iris left. He looks hollowed out. There’s something terribly hungry there, despite the feast they've filled themselves on.

Review: I’ve lost count of how many times I reread this insanely hot and ridiculously well written fic. Besides the A+++ characterization, there is delicious food porn foreplay followed by a breathtaking cat and mouse game that culminates with no less than 13.5k of intense and unapologetic sex with feels, my favorite kind. Enjoy the meal! ;D

***Gift of Choice by tuesday (E, 12k, completed)

Summary: Tony Stark had a thing about giving Peter stuff.

Review: This is my favorite fic by tuesday and the PERFECT rendition of our beloved sugar daddy trope. Great pacing, amazing dialogues and a breathtaking build up that makes you both smile and sweat in anticipation. They’re so in love I almost can’t handle when they finally get together. Sexy, hot and very sweet.

• here is my hand, my heart by belatrix (E, 16k, completed)

Summary: Mostly, Tony had tried not to look. He still does. Try, that is. It’s just― it’s getting a little bit harder every day.

Review: I have a HUGE soft spot for this beautiful masterpiece, because it was the fic that finally made me join the Starker fandom. I’ve reread it so many times and it never fails to amaze me. Through an atmospheric non-linear narrative, this shows a guilt-ridden Tony Stark trying and failing to resist one determined Peter Parker who won’t take bullshit for an answer. Hot, and angsty, and breathtaking.

• I know that you got Daddy Issues (And I do too) by feyrelay (E)

Summary: The one where Peter’s blue balls save the world. Because, yeah? That meandering, blooming thing between him and Mr. Stark? That relationship that continues to be maddeningly legal, platonic, and above-board, but still somehow haunts Peter’s wildest wet-dreams? That might just be the key to Strange’s endgame.

Review: This fic is a love letter to those who appreciate an angsty and nuanced slow burn like me. Possibly the best character study I’ve ever read combined with a clever, well researched and intricated plot. Reading this will make you fall even more in love with Tony and Peter as individuals, before wanting them to be better together. Make sure to also check all related fics under the tag DIEU (Daddy Issues Extended Universe) - the Starker verse we fucking deserve.

• if I am the river, you are the ocean by sadonsundays (E, 7k, completed)

Summary: The one where Tony can't sleep and Peter can't stop his hands from shaking.

Review: This is a gorgeous recovery fic, painful and heartbreaking, yes, but still very gentle as Tony and Peter’s relationship quietly unfolds. Pepper is an absolute treat which was refreshing to me. I just love the quiet and angsty undertone that guides their journey until they finally find home in each other.

if you’d grant my love a pardon by belatrix (M, 2.5k, completed)

Summary: The first time, it goes something like this: “No,” Tony says, but it’s tired, half-hearted, not quite a denial.

Review: One of the reasons why I love this ship is that there’s always room for angst, even when they’re already together. This lovely yet heartbreaking fic mirrors Tony’s fragile heart as he realizes that as much as he should, he just can’t let go of Peter, not quite yet. Belatrix writes guilty!Tony’s headspace like nobody else and I just can’t recommend her writing enough.

• in the light of a dying star by @areiton (M, 6k, completed) fix-it

Summary: Extremis isn't a guarantee. That's what Pepper told him, as they took him off the bloody, dusty field. It was just a chance. A desperate gamble.

Review: I’m so glad I read this right after Endgame because this is the fix-it Tony and we all deserved, this fic is so comforting and beautiful. I really love the quiet, ethereal atmosphere and how it shapes our perception of time and character development. Peter is beautifully written and their get together made my heart ache in peace.

• In the Morning by @cagestark (M, 6k, completed)

Summary: Peter's pretty stressed. He isn't understanding physics despite all the extra time he is spending with Bruce. And underneath it all, something is wrong with Mr. Stark.

Review: Heart wrenching and painfully honest fic, where Tony is a jealous mess and Peter is his usual earnest, sweet and good self. They meet in the middle, and it’s quiet, beautiful and sad.

• Kiss Me by @ironspi

Summary: Five times Peter and Tony almost kiss and one time they did.

Review: This fic was such a lovely surprise! It begins unpretentious and it builds up to quality pining and unresolved sexual tension. Chapter 4 is particularly awesome, so charged and intimate. Kudos to the author for exploring Peter taking the lead and making Tony melt in his arms.

• Landslide by spqr (M, 8k, completed) fix-it

Summary: Peter jumps into the quantum realm with his heart in his throat. He steps out in 2018, on the edge of a lake he still has nightmares about. A hundred yards away over the water, the lights in the lakehouse are on.

Review: Morally ambiguous characters + angsty time travel? Count me in. This fic has a very interesting (and darker) take on Peter post-Thanos, in his raw and desperate grief over Tony. Bonus points for amazing dialogues and a fix-it plot so clever and believable I’m surprised I didn’t see it on screen.

• lean on me now by @areiton (G, 9k, on hiatus)

Summary: He’s so tired, and he hurts, the kind of screaming pain he’s struggling to ignore now, and he wants to go home. But he can do this. He can sit and watch, and keep them safe. A wry smile tugs at his lips because he knows how ridiculous that sounds--a kid keeping Avengers safe.

Review: One of the best canon divergence fics I’ve ever read. It’s quiet, angsty and Peter’s voice is simply amazing. My heart breaks for Tony, but I’m so here for Peter & Rhodey’s brOTP, the fandom deserves more of it.

• noticing by @areiton (NR, 2k, completed)

Summary: “You deserve to be happy,” Rhodey tells Tony once, when Tony is drinking and conflicted and Peter is sleeping unaware on the couch. Tony watches him, eyes bright.

Review: How could I ever resist seeing Tony and Peter’s relationship development through Rhodey’s protective and thoughtful gaze? Any Tony stan should read this fic because this is the kind of love, friendship and support he deserves. Reading this put my mind at rest, knowing Tony’s cared for, and safe.

• Obvious by @learned-foot (M, 14k, completed)

Summary: When Peter wakes up, several things become very clear all at once: he’s underground somewhere unpleasant, something is messing with his powers, and his entire body hurts. A lot.

Review: WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP *victory dance* god this one is brutal, but we can trust LF to bring on full angst with an intriguing plot and A+++ characterization. I’m so here for protective!Tony doing whatever it takes to keep Peter safe, including all the confusion and heartbreak his problematic decisions may bring.

• Permission by @cagestark (E, 16k, completed)

Summary: During drinks with the Avengers, Peter admits that he enjoys orgasms more when someone is giving him permission, though since he's single, there isn't anyone in his life to offer it. Generous Tony offers to offer it.

Review: This fic is unique and so very hot, but don’t let the smutty summary fool you. There is also tenderness and FEELS in capital letters. Despite their arrangement, pining!Tony is so vulnerable and so completely in love with Peter it kinda breaks my heart a little, but thankfully Cage is a big fan of happy endings like me, so we’re all safe in her hands.

***Post-Endgame NYE by @darker-soft-starker (M, completed)

Summary: Five years after the events of endgame Tony is resurrected. Months after that, he's still trying to find equilibrium

Review: Hands down the loveliest ‘flirting on a bench’ I’ve ever seen, and my top favorite NYE Starker fic. I love to see Tony facing an existential crisis while he navigates his new life post-resurrection, including the violent realization of ‘oh no, Peter’s an attractive adult now’. Gentle and gorgeous get together, kudos at Morgan for being a little devil and playing matchmaking.

• Proxy by @cagestark (E, 11k, completed)

Summary: Peter wants to know if Mr. Stark knows, like, anybody who’d be willing to make out with him. Things escalate from there.

Review: I have such a big soft spot for this fic because “by proxy” is one of my favorite tropes and Cage explored it masterfully. Again, this is pining!Tony at his best and Cage just has this ability to transform what once started as a sexy little thing into this soft and gentle love story, the kind that gives you butterflies in the stomach.

• Radar by @intoxicatelou (M)

Summary: Peter could say that he’s officially approached desperation, but he wants this, wants Tony, and he’s willing to do everything it takes. Or the one in which Peter tries to become Tony's celebrity crush from 2009 in order to seduce him.

Review: This is one of my favorites self-indulgent fics, I just can’t resist the good old “Peter’s seduction handbook” trope and intoxicatelou delivers it beautifully. This story is sweet, super fun and relatable af. There’s A+ pining, Peter being a bisexual disaster and MJ being the queen we all stan, shocking absolutely no one.

• Revelations by RTC anonymous (E, 127k, completed)

Summary: “I still don’t get it,” Ned says. “How you just... keep being ordinary in spite of all the craziness you’ve lived through. You were in space. You helped Iron Man save the universe. And nobody knows it was you.” His tone softens, becomes almost sad. As though he realizes that what he’s saying is so completely alien to him that he will never be able to understand this part of Peter’s life. “Peter, don’t you want people to know you for who you are?” An AU where they get the Gauntlet off of Thanos that first time, on Titan.

Review: I feel like I don’t need to justify this choice – almost everyone in the fandom has either heard of or read this masterpiece, it’s safe to say this fic is part of the Starker Training Wheels Protocol lol. If you have just arrived or is just exploring the fandom and enjoys slow burns I suggest you start right hee because it doesn’t get any better than this. There’s A+++ characterization, breathtaking pining, insane sexual tension and a very satisfying ending if I may say so. Definitely among my top 3 Starker fics. RTC anon, wherever you are, please know you are loved and appreciated. I’ll literally build an altar for you.

• Reversal by @learned-foot (E, 4k, completed)

Summary: Sometimes, Tony is the one who needs to be praised.

Review: For once Peter makes Tony just lie down and take 😊 the fucking 😊 praise 😊. I feel like I’ve been waiting for this fic all my life. This is the praise kink Tony (and we all) deserve, genuine, gentle and powerful. If you’re a big sap for their love like I am, you’re in for an emotional ride because this is overwhelmingly sweet to the point it brings tears to your eyes. LF is such a gift to this fandom.

• Settling by @cagestark (E, 5k, completed)

Summary: Peter really wants to be taller than Tony. Heels help.

Review: One of my favorites by Cage, I still remember how happy and giggly I felt when I first read it. There is A+++ characterization, amazing dialogue, Avengers domesticity, praise kink, the hottest blow job and my favorite Starker first kiss. Oh, did I mention Peter in heels and Tony loving every moment of it? You’re welcome :D

• Stipulations by RTC anonymous (E, 70k, completed)

Summary: Peter Parker’s long term dream recently went from ‘get into MIT’ to ‘afford going to MIT’. As the time approaches, it’s dawning on him that he won’t be able to pay his tuition and afford the move to Cambridge all at once: he’s out of money, his secrets are beginning to pile up, and desperation has started creeping in... And then one night, he saves Tony Stark’s life.

Review: Another fandom classic by our irreplaceable RTC anon, this fic is SO GOOD I keep coming back to it and just recently I realized I’ve built all my personal Starker headcanons out of it, lol. A+++ characterization and hot, delicious pining is a given with this author, but I’m really here for that senses-dialed-to-11 trope, and RTC delivers it masterfully.

• subtle by @areiton (T, 1k, completed)

Summary: Peter is not subtle. He wears his emotion, his excitement, like a flag waved bright red and teasing for a bull—impossible to go unnoticed, impossible to ignore. It’s adorable and it’s Peter, and it’s—in hindsight—why Tony misses the context clues.

Review: This fic is like reading poetry, a balm to the heart. Peter wears Tony’s colors and by the time Tony finally gets the context clues they fall together in the gentlest, softest way.

• Take it slow by tuesday (E, 13k, completed)

Summary: There were a ton of reasons dating Peter was a bad idea. Tony loved bad ideas. He was going to do it anyway. In which Tony thinks they're dating, and then they're dating undercover.

Review: This fic is so endearing it’s basically impossible not to cheer for these two, despite their usual infuriating communication issues, lol. But I promise all the angst and wait are worth it, because there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing how they (finally!) get to be on the same page.

• the record spins on the trails we blaze by @darker-soft-starker (NR, 5k, completed)

Summary: Years after the events of Homecoming, Peter thought all of the bad memories were well and truly behind him. After all, so much has happened since then - and he's happy now. Everything is kinda perfect.Turns out nothing stays buried.

Review: Hell yes! I agree HoCo’s events were particularly traumatizing and this trope is not as explored as it should be. To put it simply, this fic is something I didn’t know that I needed and Ash delivered it beautifully. It’s incredibly gentle, cathartic and honest, not to mention the lovely domesticity and understanding between the characters that will make your heart swell.

• Under Someone Else by @learned-foot (M, 7k, completed)

Summary: Peter realizes he’s just a rebound. And he’s okay with that, really. Or at least, that’s what he keeps telling himself.

Review: FEELS, FEELS EVERYWHERE. It’s so hard to choose a favorite fic by LF but this is the first that comes to mind because it introduced me to the amazing rebound trope. It’s so refreshing to see this ship’s potential for angst and miscommunication playing into the “fuck first, talk later” scenario. Warning for vulnerable boys being idiots and breaking our hearts but P.P.P.S they do eventually get their shit together and it’s glorious!

• Up for Anything by tuesday (E, 8k, completed)

Summary: When it came to Tony Stark, Peter would take what he could get. In which Peter believes he's just a rebound. (Not Endgame compliant.)

Review: Of course there’s yet another gorgeous rebound rec because I can’t get enough of this trope. Honestly, LF and Tuesday writing for each other have provided some of the best fics this fandom has, God bless them. This is another treat featuring pining!Peter and the usual “I can’t communicate properly how much I fucking love you”, but there’s also bantering, delicious dirty talk and so much affection that you’ll read it all with the biggest smile on your face.

#starker #reclist #peter parker x tony stark

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veliseraptor · 4 years ago

Note

do you have any fics (in any fandom) that you wish had got more attention? and would you like to highlight them now? :D

oh this is a fun question. I feel like every writer has those fics that they wish had gotten more attention and I am certainly no exception. to pick a few...of course, some of these are in small fandoms so the fact that they got less attention is inevitable. but still, they’re ones I’m proud of. (I did not put the Lymond fics on here, though, because my expectations on that scale are sort of ‘if three people read it I’m happy.’)

Girls Like Me, Death Note. 2.1k. This is one of those fics that’s like...kind of a weird one, and I get why it didn’t get a lot of attention, but I’m very fond of it. It was for the concept of Misa/Takada as a pairing, brought on by a rewatch of Death Note with some other folks that included, among other things, a lot of consideration of the way Death Note treats its women.

Mostly it ended up being more about Misa and misogyny, and very much inspired by the lyrics of the song it’s titled after (by ThouShaltNot): Girls like me have given up on lending out our eyes / For if and when you bring them back, they've shrunk another size /Your tiny tweezer hands are so precise, but cold as steel /Girls like me are sick of being flesh they touch, but never feel

all my wastelands flower, Doctrine of Labyrinths. 3.8k. I don’t know that I’d actually written explicit Mildmay/Felix before this fic? I can’t remember doing it, anyway. And it’s very much in line with my “service top Mildmay” agenda, which is the only way I can really see him playing that role for Felix, ever.

And I’m just pleased with how it ended up taking shape, and the fact that for all it’s a very...tender fic, the dysfunction is still very present. I love balancing those things and I felt like I did a good job here.

Iron-black Wolves, Doctrine of Labyrinths. 10.3k. Look, I’m not sure how good this one is but I’m damn proud of it in concept and pretty pleased with the execution, too. Longest fic I’ve written for this fandom thus far (I have longer ones in progress oops), and I just...had fun playing with a whumpy relatively minor canon divergence that doesn’t necessarily actually change much about canon moving forward, but is certainly delightfully self-indulgent in multiple ways.

Still, On With the Show, Doctrine of Labyrinths. 2k. This is an older fic (I think maybe the oldest on this list? other than possibly Girls Like Me, I’m not checking dates), but I’m still pretty pleased with it. The concept was basically “Felix, pre-series, dealing with his anxieties about his old life catching up” - it’s a period of his life that I find interesting and haven’t personally explored much except for here (and in one other fic). I was proud of feeling like I got into some of the headspace of a Felix who is in a very different place than the one I write most of the time.

post war blues, Wheel of Time. 4.8k. This is another one where I’m like. Yes, I know why this didn’t get more attention, I’m not surprised, but I personally really like it, so there. What do you mean, everyone didn’t want post-series fic featuring Min and resurrected Ishamael/Moridin/Elan Morin Tedronai? I mean, I guess I didn’t know that I did until @taimproblem pointed it out to me, but.

Sin to Heaven, Dragon Age. 2.9k. My one and only Dragon Age fic! and of course it is pretty much just “make Cullen suffer, psychologically.” You hand me a situation like we’re given in Kinloch Hold, from a character I’m stupid fond of who is a traumatized mess and a half, and I’m not going to do something with it? Who do you think I am?

tear out all your tenderness, The Untamed. 7k. This is relative, obviously, because by nature of this being a bigger fandom this and the next fic are more popular than many others, but it is a personal XueXiao favorite and I feel like has gotten less attention than some of my other fics for them. Which makes a certain amount of sense! I feel like it doesn’t quite neatly slot into the dynamics I’ve mostly found in my reading, but that’s kind of what I was trying for.

And I really like some of the writing in it.

Unnatural Selection, The Untamed. 3.1k. Again, relative, and XueYao is always going to be a more minor pairing, but this is the...less popular of the two of those I’ve written (there’s a third in the wings and you know I’m going to do more, right) and I think I actually like it more. The dynamics in both are a lot of fun, and there are certain things about I Come With Knives that I like more, but this one I’m pleased with because it is very much the push-pull of who is in control/who isn’t that I love with these two.

And the way that they like. Like each other and also really don’t. And just the concept, too, because I didn’t know how much I wanted “fucked up sex in the vicinity of Nie Mingjue’s corpse” until I started writing it.

we’re not the only ones, MCU. 4.8k. This one is like. Buried deep in Remember This Cold and doesn’t feature the main characters of the verse it is part of, but it’s one of my stealth favorites of the series (with Retrospective another of those). This was my first time writing Sam Wilson POV, and this fic was fun because it let me really...dig into and play with dynamics that don’t usually get to take center stage.

Also I just had a lot of fun writing Sam trying to wrangle his disaster friends, and basically picking up the team leader role in Steve’s absence, and actually doing really well with it, because he would.

what little girls are made of, MCU. 3.5k. This one was an exchange fic that I wrote intending it to be Sharon/Natasha and it ended up only sort of being a pairing fic, and sort of more being about Natasha’s mild social dysfunction and the ordeal of trying to make friends with a spy who doesn’t really make friends in a normal manner.

I’m really proud of it, actually, and I wish it had gotten more attention.

#anonymous #conversating #fic rec #(i suppose???)#confessions of a frustrated writer

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theoriesontheory · 3 years ago

Text

Breaking Down (how I fell in love with producing again/the making of ‘overdue conversations’ pt. 1)

W̸̻̅̕h̷̰̬͊e̴̢̨̾͑͌̋ȓ̶͉͔e̶͇̒ ̶̖͓̻̳́̈́̀͘h̸͉̻̎á̴̞̓v̴̫̲̭̫̀͐̑̀e̶̹̜̜̺͘ ̷̩́̍ý̶̫͖͙̾͛ó̷̳͕̀̕ŭ̸̪̭̗̜̓̏ ̵͇͑̓͒̓ͅb̷̜̭̝͠e̶̢̦̤͑ę̴̠͓̞͑n̸͈͊͐́̉?̴̙̤̑̽̈́͌

̴̦͇͇̍́͜͠ Sorry I’ve Umm..

̷̰̼́Y̴̗̦̋͂̇ỏ̴̧͓̹͛̍u̴̹͉͊’̸̠̀v̸͎̜͌͗̈́e̴̛̦̯̓̓̎ ̵̧̺̜̓̾̅͘b̸̞̽ē̴̛͖̠̌e̴̡̛̖̳͕̓̿n̷͚̐ ̷̡̓͆͝l̷̝͐͠o̵̭̖̜͊͘š̴̖̣̘͒̕t̷͔͚̟͍̏͛̀͗ ̵̬͖̌̓̕ǐ̸̥̖͎͗ͅn̷̜̖͊̇͠͝s̶̳͊i̶̺̔̍d̴̛̺́̊ḝ̶̫̰̹̑ ̶̪̏̈́͘y̷̢̮̾̑̀o̶͉̩͐͑̄͝u̸̬̘̟͝r̴̢̧͉͈̿͆̀͘ ̶̳̗̭̋ͅh̷̞̱̦͑ḙ̵̈́̑a̸̻͂ḑ̶͓͑̊

̵̞͍̖͔̓́̀̓Yeah but..

̶̣̜͆͂̐̕D̸̞͓̥̏ͅį̶̢̦͓̋̏d̶̫́̓́͝ ̷̨͔͉͒̏ẏ̴̠̌o̶͙͊͐̈́͜͠u̴̻̣̞̒̑ ̴͙̿͌͌̚f̴̝̬̂́̊o̴͔̪͝r̴̲̥̙̆g̸̮̻͖̱̿̿͗è̴͕̟͋̌t̷̻̹̄̑̅ ̵̺̜̬́̽̐a̸͔̩͚̱͗̀͝b̶͉̚͘o̴̲͠u̷̯̿́̒t̴̪͝ͅ ̸̘̹͎̣̐̐m̸̻͇͋́e̴̛̱?̷̗̍

̵̧̦̦̈́̋̅́ No I,

̸̧̙͉͋̎ͅD̸͕̲̚ǐ̵͉ḑ̶̘̬̾̈́̌ ̸̫̙̪̈́ͅỷ̷̯͎͝o̴̻͚͂u̶̝̔̆̏͒ ̸͚́̂̍f̸̖̝͚̖̽́o̶̢̺̽̅͠r̷̹̞̰̓̇g̵̱͕̣̍ȇ̴͍͚͝t̶̩̟̜̄ ̶͕̮̐͋w̵͖̙͔͔̃̕h̵̼̫͔͔̊̃͠e̵͍͉̐̒n̸̜̪̍̽ ̸̜̻̒̉̿̚y̵͖̖͗̈́̕͝o̴̭̙͙̪͗́͠ǔ̶̘̔͘ ̸̡̝̫̗̈́̆͆s̶̝͈͆̎̒̉a̵̛̱͍̓͝i̸̮͓͛̀d̸̖̥̟̑…̴͕̬̮̃̍ ̸̯̞͌̊

The opening to the latest found_sound.mp3 track, a conversation I had to have with myself that was difficult, but that turned into the seed for the song that made me fall in love with producing again.

Let’s take a step back. It’s late June and I have just submitted my conceptual framework for the hyper-pop piece I was intending to make, both as the results of my research but also as a song I feel like I can put out. I started out with somewhat of a concrete idea, inspired by research done into much and emotion and affect theory I wanted to try and write a song that captures the feeling of falling apart. On top of that I thought a unique way to draw some attention to the song was to have a few of my talented singer friends send me a few lines of them singing given only the prompt “falling apart”. I probably made a mistake in that I was fairly lax on timeframes for getting the vocal parts, knowing lots of my friends were in lockdown and probably had other more important things to worry about. Initially I wanted to wait to get all the vocal samples before I started to make the track, to have an idea of the shape it would take but along side that I found that the instrumentals I was making were missing something.

There was a period when I started found_sound.mp3 that I was making a new track just about every other day. Remixes from recording stems from my friends, random soundbites from YouTube clips, breakbeats, I was spending time in Ableton (my DAW of choice) experimenting and learning and building my skillset.

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Eventually these turned from small minute long ideas into fully formed songs and I branched out, doing some covers/remixes using my own voice and even writing alternate verses for tracks.

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Alongside this I was doing all the research into hyperpop, listening to playlists religiously, watching YouTube clips and reading interviews it became my focus and I felt ready to take the next step and make something wholly original in the genre.

But I froze. No matter how I approached it, weather it was drums or a lead line or with a vocal sample. I couldn’t put anything together. I had already lost a couple of weeks waiting for the vocals to come in and now I was stressed about deadlines.

I didn’t open Ableton for about a week and a half.

Deciding the challenge of working with many different vocal parts was too steep for my first foray into the space I decided to ditch the idea and just make a song about how I was feeling at the time. The working title of that track was 808s and breakdowns (shout out Kanye) and it was lyrically one of the harshest things I have ever written about myself lyrically. Putting that song together mostly felt like muscle memory. I found some nice synth sounds, added 808s and drums and I had a groove going quickly. I was in a fairly negative headspace at the time and when it came to lyrics, I couldn’t help but reflect on the fact that I felt like a failure because I couldn’t execute on my initial idea. I eventually abandoned the song because it wasn’t doing my mental health any favours and I felt as if it sucked but honestly, I have since gone back and done some work and I think that it could be a good song with some more time. Here’s a demo:

found_sound.mp3

808s And Breakdowns (DEMO)

On looking at my practice as it stands, I feel as if found_sound.mp3 at that moment was at a natural plateau point as far as my growth as a producer. Initially I was full of excitement and ideas, I wanted to impress my friends and I felt like I could learn how to do things quickly. I have been using Ableton for ten years at this point, I knew my general way around the software, but this was the first time I was investing time in experimentation and exploring. I found I could execute on my ideas with precision and make things I was proud of. However, as I learned more, researched the genre and listened more I began to academicize the whole process. I was focused on getting all my sounds perfect because I could hear the difference in quality between my work and the work I was aspiring toward.

After I abandoned 808s and Heartbreaks, I didn’t do any found_sound.mp3 work for about a month, every time I looked at my set up, I felt defeated, I had no ideas, I think because I was scared that I would have delusions of grandeur, not be able to execute and be proven a failure again. I was going through a dark time mentally and ended up using a lot of that energy to put together a song as my other alter-ego Sal Viejo. The process and result can be found at

“The Making of ‘Disney’s Hyperfantasia’ - Sal Viejo”

But I still had a deadline (albeit extended) to make and a song to produce.

I sat at my desk and decided the best thing to do was at least set up. I plugged in my MIDI controller and speakers, opened an Ableton Session.

ᗯ卄ᵉŘᵉ нⓐѶᵉ ʸ𝕠υ 𝓑ᵉᵉ𝔫?

Set up, I decided to do my morning walk, get a coffee so I could come back ready to go.

ʸ𝕠υ’Ѷᵉ 𝓑ᵉᵉ𝔫 𝓛𝕠Ş丅 𝓲𝔫Ş𝓲Ｄᵉ ʸ𝕠υŘ нᵉⓐＤ.

As I was walking, I could feel some anxiety building up. It wasn’t a question of finishing a song. It was a question of being embarrassed with the result.

𝓓𝕠𝔫’丅 ᖴ𝕠ŘĞᵉ丅 ⓐ𝒷𝕠υ丅 𝕄ᵉ.

It’s been so long since I have made anything as found_sound.mp3

𝓓𝕠𝔫’丅 ᖴ𝕠ŘĞᵉ丅 ω卄ⓐ丅 Ⓨ𝕠υ Şⓐ𝓲Ｄ...

#CIM 401.2 #Hyperpop #reflection #self reflection #producer #music #musician #singer #remix #academia #theory #process #found_sound.mp3

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everythingisgayandnothinghurts · 5 years ago

Note

Tk finding Carlos sitting on the shower floor after a really bad shift, Tk takes care of him(and he doesn't get to hide his curls)

This took a darker turn than you were probably expecting. My brain goes to dark places way too often. Features Carlos whump and inspired by a post by @comablog2 and they let me write a similiar idea so thanks for that!! Hope you guys enjoy

It’s always the last call of the day that ends in disaster.

Carlos could have ignored the call over the radio since he was off shift in another twenty minutes, but he decided to go help with the call after a gunshot was reported at a residential place. TK was with his dad for a while anyways so he wasn’t in a hurry to get home to an empty house. He got in his cruiser and followed instructions to what looked like a perfectly innocent house. He was out of his cruiser and to the front door in seconds, pounding loudly and announcing police presence. The door was unlocked so Carlos pulled his gun and slowly walked into the shadows of the house. Adrenaline rushed through him as nothing but silence met his ears as he gazed around the open concept living room and kitchen. Nothing at all seemed out of place, but Carlos knew something sinister had happened here tonight. His heart pounded as he called out again his position with the Austin Police. He took a slow, careful step down the wood paneled hallway when an image from his nightmares stepped out of the master bedroom on the left hand side.

The moon was the only light in the house and the man was covered in shadows as he stumbled into the wall. Carlos could smell the whiskey from here as it seemed to fill the air like an awful cologne. Green eyes caught his and instantly Carlos knew who it was he had caught tonight. Those eyes haunted him even years after he had last seen them, especially in combination with that maniacal grin.

“My little Latino doll came to join me,” Nathan Cadbury drawled lazily as he leaned against the wall. Carlos could see he was covered in blood despite the poor lighting, but that wasn’t what made his blood turn to ice and a band tighten around his chest. “I heard you became an upholder of the law after all. How nice of you to drop in.”

Carlos knew he should ignore the way blood rushed in his ears. He should arrest this man and have him on the ground already. He was dangerous yes, but also heavily intoxicated and he could have him on the ground in seconds if only his body would cooperate and stop being frozen to the spot. His gun slowly lowered to his side as he stood there taking in the man that he’d thought had ruined his life when he’d been only barely eighteen years old. He was the only monster Carlos had ever known, and he was the motivation to join up with the police academy. He had wanted to protect the world from people like him, and he’d horrendously failed.

The door bursts open while the two of them stand there and Carlos tries to breathe through the panic response his body would always have in the presence of Nathan. The other man begins to laugh as other officers swarm in to arrest him and Carlos can’t look at any of them. He was the first officer here, but he hadn’t been able to do a damn thing. He slipped into the bedroom to get away from Nathan and felt himself sinking to the floor when his eyes rested on the body of a young latino boy sprawled lifeless on the mattress. He had been stabbed multiple times before being shot in the head. The gruesome murder isn’t what makes his stomach roll and his breathing quicken. The bruises on his skin were all too familiar, and the marks around his wrists in the shape of fingers were like looking into a mirror from ten years ago. Carlos had always thought he had deserved the way Nathan treated him. He had thought he had done something to earn his bruises and marks. He had told himself Nathan would never do things like this to someone else.

He had been woefully so wrong.

He wasn’t alone long and somehow it felt like he was invisible as crime scene investigators came in to examine the body and the scene Nathan had created.

“Carlos,” Michelle’s smooth voice reached him as he struggled to breathe. The paramedic team had likely been called to transport the body and pronounce the death. “I thought you were off shift.”

“It’s Nathan,” Carlos said to her, knowing she could understand the horror filling him and would be the only one to understand the reason he couldn’t move or even breathe. “They arrested Nathan for-for-”

“We need to get you out of here,” Michelle said without hesitation as she ran a hand over his hair and the touch helped to ground him. “You don’t need to be here. You can’t be here.”

“I c-can’t-” He felt his flimsy walls collapsing with his best friend here. Michelle was the only person who knew the true story between himself and Cadbury. He hadn’t been able to tell his mom even though they were close as could be. He hadn’t been able to tell anyone about that relationship.

“Hey, you’re okay,” Michelle told him softly with a squeeze to his arm. “He’s being taken away for good, Carlos. He can’t hurt you.”

Carlos was using everything in his power to avoid a full blown panic attack as Michelle tugged him to his feet and they made it out into some cool fresh air. He unlocked his cruiser on autopilot, only wanting to get away from here.

“You don’t really think you’re up to driving, do you?” Michelle asked as she cut in front of him to stand between him and the open door.

“I want to go home,” Carlos couldn’t break down here in front of most of his colleagues. He would never live that down. His eyes were burning fiercely and all he wanted was a way to let these emotions out someplace safe. “Please, ‘chelle, I just need to go home and away from...all this.”

“Let me drive-” Michelle started but they both knew that wasn’t even a possible option.

“You have a job to do,” Carlos told her as he nudged her out of the way so he could get into his car. “I can drive home just fine. TK is coming over tonight.” If he didn’t cancel which he was tempted to do in this kind of headspace.

“Text me when you get home,” Michelle ordered as she slowly stepped back from the car. “I mean it Carlos, text me. I’m coming over if you don’t, shift or no shift. I’ll call you later on.”

“I’ll text,” Carlos promised before closing the door and taking a shaky breath in before blowing it out slowly. He had to keep it together long enough to get home. Nathan didn’t matter anymore. He had grown so far past his abuser. He had put this all behind him long ago. Nathan was in jail now, or he would be once morning came at the very least.

But that boy’s death was purely his fault.

Carlos had no idea how he got home safely since he couldn’t remember the drive home at all. He probably hadn’t been safe to drive, but being alone with something to do is the only way he was holding himself together. He was fooling himself to think he could hold this together. He didn’t need to break down. It wasn’t going to do anyone any good now. The past was the past and there was nothing he could do to change it. He made it until he stepped into the quiet shower with hot water pounding down on his back. Nobody was here to witness this and he had nothing to distract his mind from the whirling thoughts of seeing his abusive ex-boyfriend again. Nothing to take his mind off of the image of that bruised boy sprawled on the bed, beaten and shot. There had been so many nights Carlos had thought Nathan was going to kill him back when he was young. The man had an awful temper when he was drunk, and completely unpredictable. Carlos had let himself fall in love with a man he barely knew and it had led to bruises being hidden by long sleeves and clever lies.

The first sob shook his frame harshly as he braced one hand on the shower wall and it felt like he was twenty years old all over again and trying to gather the courage to leave the toxic relationship he was in. Leaving Nathan had been the hardest thing he had ever done, and even back then he hadn’t had the courage to report him. He had simply begged any God that would listen for Nathan to leave him in peace. He had gotten his wish at the expense of someone else and that was unforgivable.

His knees gave out as his body shook and he curled up helplessly sobbing on the floor of his shower where nobody could hear him or judge him for feeling the gaping would reopen once more. The steam wasn’t helping when he felt like he couldn’t breathe already due to the band around his chest tightening like a noose. It felt like he was going to suffocate with how hard he was sobbing and unable to catch a breath in between. If he died here he would deserve it for letting that young boy die. He was a coward and someone had paid the price for that. He had been too weak to speak up so someone had gotten hurt. He wasn’t the man everyone thought he was. He was thought of as a man to be looked up to and respected. He was thought of as brave and unshakable.

Those things couldn’t be further from the truth.

“Carlos!” TK’s voice broke through as the water shut off hastily and Carlos had probably forgotten to even lock his door when he had gotten home. “Oh baby, it’ll be okay.” TK made to reach out to hold him, but Carlos flinched back without thinking. He didn’t deserve hands on him in comfort. He didn’t deserve to feel better. “Carlos, you need to take a deep breath before you pass out. You’re safe and it’s only the two of us here. Breathe with me, baby.”

“I-It’s my f-f-fault,” Carlos stuttered out in between gasping breaths.

“Shh, Carlos take a deep breath, okay?” TK soothed him quietly as he knelt next to the shower patiently. “It’s going to be okay.”

“N-no!” Carlos protested. Things wouldn’t ever be okay again. How could they be when he was responsible for the death of another human being? He was sworn to protect others and uphold the law. What kind of officer broke half of that oath? He didn’t protect that boy from being murdered by a man that should have been in prison long ago. “I-It’s not okay. He’s dead and it’s not okay.”

“Look at me, honey,” TK said softly, rubbing him gently with a soft towel and it was helping ground him to the moment a little more instead of being caught up in being in that house. “Show me those beautiful brown eyes, okay?”

Carlos forced himself to focus on TK and saw how worried his boyfriend was about him. His green eyes showed concern and compassion as he knelt next to him. TK affectionately brushed his curls off his forehead with a towel as he gave him a small smile. Carlos started to realize how cold he was now that his sobs were slowing down at last even if his breathing still hitched time and again.

“Let’s try to get up and dry off, okay?” TK offered as he held out a hand and stood. Carlos wasn’t really ready to leave the sanctuary of the shower, but his knees were cramping up and aching by now, not to mention he truly was freezing enough to start to shiver. The moment his hand touched TK’s the tears came full force again and he found himself wrapped around his boyfriend in an instant. TK didn’t even bat an eye at the fact that he was soaking wet and naked, but simply wrapped him in his arms tightly and murmured assurances in his ear. Carlos tucked his face into TK’s neck and sobbed openly like his entire world was ending in this moment.

It took a few minutes, but eventually his cries faded to soft whimpers and TK had wrapped the towel around him to help keep him warm. Carlos felt embarrassed to have cried like that in front of TK, but he also felt a sense of relief that the horror and grief of the day had been released.

“I’m sorry,” Carlos’s voice was absolutely wrecked and he winced at only the sound of it.

“No need to apologize,” TK told him with a small, sincere smile and a kiss to his forehead. “I’ll get you some clothes and you can climb into bed. Then I’ll get you a cool glass of water, okay?”

Carlos nodded and gazed at his feet in embarrassment. He hadn’t lost it in front of someone in a long, long time. TK shouldn’t have had to see that. The man had enough problems to deal with of his own. He didn’t need a boyfriend falling apart over something that had happened years ago as it was.

“Arms up, love,’ TK held out his favorite yellow hoodie for Carlos to slip on and he felt his heart melt in gratitude. The smell indicated home and it made him feel safe, warding off the chill he felt as soon as Nathan’s silhouette shone in the moonlight. He felt hands come up to gently cup his face. “Are you alright? Michelle was worried when she called me.”

“She called?” Carlos sighed and knew his best friend had the best of intentions. “What did she tell you?”

“She said I needed to hurry home. She said you needed me because of a bad call you went on at the end of your shift. I… I’ve never seen you like that.” TK’s sweet face was tight with worry, but Carlos couldn’t force himself to hold his gaze. He knew TK had questions and that it might help to tell someone else about what was going on. He doubted this case was one that would fade with the night. He would likely be having nightmares from his past and this wasn’t something he could hide when TK practically lived with him.

“You aren’t the only one that’s been through a nuclear bad break up,” Carlos tried to smile a bit to show TK he wasn’t completely broken. “I ran into an ex today on my last call.”

He saw the flashes of insecurity on TK’s face and for a minute his tears were interpreted as something entirely different. TK was never said to be anything but brave as he kept his gaze and fought past the insecurities. “Yeah? How did that happen?”

“Well,” Carlos ran a hand over his curls and had to get under the covers to pull them up to his chin. “He was the murderer we were arresting.”

“Oh fuck,” TK said immediately as his eyes widened and he slowly came around to sit next to him on the bed. Carlos could have laughed if he didn’t feel torn apart and raw. He didn’t know how to hold the rest of this conversation. He didn’t know how to tell the man who thought he hung the stars and the moon that he hadn’t always been so strong and sure. He had seen something in TK when he had first come to Austin that had reminded him of himself ten years ago. He knew Alex hadn’t been as bad as Nathan, but he also knew the more he got to know TK that Alex had been far from nice. “Carlos I’m so sorry.”

“When I met Nathan,” Carlos had his hands clenched in the blankets and his voice was barely loud enough to be heard even in the quiet of their bedroom. “I never thought he was nice. He was jaded and drank too much and hated pretty much everyone. He was selfish all the time and took exactly what he wanted without regard to anyone else. I was young and he was incredibly attractive so I forgave the first dozen times he grabbed my wrist a little too hard.”

“Baby…” TK said softly and reached to take his hand. Carlos squeezed his fingers in return, but he couldn’t look at his boyfriend or else he would never get through this.

“Eventually I was one of the only people he was civil to most of the time,” He squeezed his eyes shut as tears leaked from the corners. “I thought I was the one that was going to change him. The one that would soften the bad boy and all of that. He was my first boyfriend and I was desperate not to go back to being alone again.”

“I’m right here Carlos,” TK assured him softly and Carlos was nearly finished. The story was relatively short to tell, even if living it had been the longest two years of his life.

“He waited until about eight months in before he started hitting me,” Carlos felt TK grip his hand tighter and heard his slight intake of breath. “By that time I was in love with him, or I thought I was. I was more or less living with him so my family had no idea he hurt me. Anyways, I convinced myself for another year that somehow I deserved it when he would punish me for not doing the dishes or for not having dinner ready when he got home. I thought I wasn’t good enough. I told myself it had everything to do with me and nothing to do with him.” Carlos wiped the tears off his cheeks and was thankful the hardest part to tell was over. “I eventually left him with Michelle’s support and help. She was the only person I told what was going on and she tried to convince me to go to the cops and tell them what had happened. She wanted me to report the entire thing and press charges. I was scared of him and told myself he would never hurt anyone else the way he did to me. “

“You were a kid still,” TK said with his voice shaking a bit and Carlos knew this was a lot to unload on another person. He had no doubt TK could handle his darkness, but it still made him feel insecure. “You were young and of course you weren’t ready to do all of that.”

“Someone is dead because I chose not to say anything.” He felt the shaking start again even as he said the words. “He found someone else to beat up for his amusement and eventually he killed someone. If I had said something then he -- he would… It’s all my fault.”

“Shh, no baby it isn’t,” TK was crying with him now and was done with having any space between them at all as he climbed into Carlos’s lap to wrap his legs around his waist as he hugged him tightly. Carlos tried to stop his sobs as they came back to the surface. He hadn’t told that story for ten years and it was one of the biggest regrets of his life.

“I feel so awful,” Carlos told him amidst soft sobs. “That kid is dead because of me.”

“He’s dead because of the man who pulled the trigger,” TK told him firmly with a kiss to his forehead. “You were a kid and he hurt you. I’m just glad you got out of there when you did. Baby, I promise that you aren’t to blame in this.”

“I need to sleep,” Carlos knew the crying would never end until he had some rest and his brain had some time to process.

"Can you sleep?" TK asked him softly. "I can make you some tea if you want."

"Just want you to hold me. " Carlos felt a blush rising on his face at the simple and earnest request.

"That I can do. " TK smiled at him gently and opened his arms for Carlos to crawl back into and cuddle close until his head was on TK's chest. "I love you baby, and I'm always going to be right here. I'm never going to hurt you. If that bastard wasn't already going to jail I'd be tempted to hunt him down. I'm sorry anyone ever hurt you that way. "

"Glad I have you now, " Carlos whispered sleepily as he felt TK rub circles on his back gently. The crying made him exhausted and it wasn't long before he could fall asleep in his lover's arms safe in the knowledge he would never be hurt again and he would always be loved.

#tarlos #tk strand #carlos reyes #angst #mywriting #panic attack #kinda #ex boyfriend #carlos needs a hug #and he gets one #hope you guys like it

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rediscoveringmichelle · 3 years ago

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An Apple a day keeps the cravings away

January 2021, back in London after spending Christmas at home in Ireland with my family. This time had been a very different experience to the last. Freer, both mentally and physically. The last time I had been home was at the beginning of the global pandemic, restricted to the 2km radius of my home in Clontarf, North Dublin. However, on this occasion not only had restrictions been lifted by the Taoiseach for the Christmas period, I had lifted my own restrictions too. The beginning of the pandemic was the turning point of my recovery and now, 9 months later, I was no longer limiting myself to 3 healthy meals per day, with no snacks and a strict schedule of two 10km runs per week and a minimum 2 and half hours of walking per day. I felt happier and healthier than I had been in years, able to relax and enjoy late night glasses of wine and mince pies with my parents, meals out with friends and the odd day of rest and relaxation with nothing but a few hours of TV to pass the day. It didn’t matter how much weight I had put on; I had gained my life and laugh back, and I would be forever grateful for the lesson I had learnt thanks to this awful pandemic. That making myself thinner and fitter, didn’t make me any happier. And that being physically healthy is nothing if you destroy your mental and social health too.

January 2018 was really where it all began. Recently single and having spent a lot of my newfound freedom on nights out, eating takeaways and drinking large volumes of alcohol, I had understandably put on a bit of weight. The guy I had been seeing, suddenly stopped texting me and I felt rejected. My parents were back to living their lives after their run-ins with poor health. Dad back to smothering his toast in thick layers of butter and Mum loving her newfound ‘real-Mum’ life of Pilates and coffee catch ups since selling her practice for good. I was no longer needed. Mum didn’t need me to drive her to chemo or cook my Dad his no red meat, no oil, no salt dinners. I felt anxious as they went back to living their lives. No longer able to control them, especially my dad. I couldn’t force him into living a by-the-book healthy lifestyle. But I figured what I could control was myself. I could be the healthiest person I could possibly be. And with the added benefit of making that guy wish he’d never let me go. My perfectionist self would ensure that I would be the perfect picture of health. No cheating, no dieting, just a new lifestyle. A new me. One I could love.

I scoured the internet for all the advice on changing your lifestyle, getting fit and losing weight. Running apparently boosted your metabolism and was an efficient way to burn calories and fat. So, I started by running 5km, three times a week. Weights would help then to reduce my body fat and tone up so I coupled the running with strength training in the gym, also three times a week. I pounded out Kelsey Wells workout routines, while listening to ‘This is me’ from The Greatest Showman, a song about not being afraid to show the world exactly who you are, as I was ironically punishing my body into a shape that was not naturally me. I strictly followed Dad’s cardiologist’s advice and cooked everything from scratch, substituting beef mince for turkey mince and not using oil, butter or salt in my cooking. I cut out all snacks and limited myself to three meals per day. Social Media became my home ground for weight loss advice. ‘You’re not hungry, you’re thirsty. Drink some water.’ ‘No pain, no gain.’ ‘Ignore your cravings and they will eventually go away.’ ‘Craving sugar? Have an apple instead’. Each day would end with eating an apple to stave off the cravings and to quieten the rumbles in my stomach.

I started weighing my food, tracking everything from litres of water drunk and then steps walked and active minutes of exercise. I upped my runs gradually to 10km, twice a week because social media told me that after running for 35 minutes, you no longer just burn calories, but also fat. And yes, I do realise that anyone who has a degree in anything science related would quickly realise these were all completely made up and not based on fact, but I guess I wanted to believe them. I would believe anything that forced me to push (or punish) myself more. I stopped going out for drinks or dinner with friends. Too many calories and too worried that I wouldn’t be able to get up and run in the morning, unable to flex from the specific days I went running, for fear I would never run again. When I moved to London, I spent my weekends walking 40 thousand steps so that I could then earn a slice of banana bread from Deliciously Ella’s Vegan & Gluten Free Deli. I felt a rush of joy wash over me each time I saw the number on the scales or the minutes of my 10km runs decline, but like a drug, the high didn’t last long. I was addicted. I had no trust in myself. ‘You’re so controlled’, they complimented me. But deep down, I felt like there was a lazy, sugar and fat loving girl inside me. An imposter in a gradually reducing body. Fearing that just one biscuit and I would be back as that unhappy and overweight rejected girl.

I really believed that being thinner and looking like those girls I idolised on Instagram would make me happier. They were all smiling, surely that meant they were happy? As the compliments turned to concern, I felt that surely people were just jealous of how much weight I had managed to lose. Weight loss was something to be proud of, wasn’t it? The truth of it all didn’t hit me until the pandemic. As I sat up in my bed struggling to breathe on the night of the Taoiseach’s first lockdown announcement, I started to wonder what I was really fearing. During a time when people were dying, all I could fear was not being able to exercise enough and being locked up in a house full of food. I feared putting on weight and relinquishing control. I felt trapped with nothing to look forward to. Holidays cancelled and my boyfriend of two months at home with his family 167km away in Belfast. That was my rock bottom.

In an effort to cheer myself up I started to make a list of all the things I wanted to do post lockdown. Have date nights in with my boyfriend, making pizzas, ordering takeaways and eating breakfast in bed. Then the excitement of getting to do these things started to dwindle as the anxiety crept in, as I tried to count up how much exercise I would need to do in order to earn those nights. A day in bed with no exercise? Nope, that’s a no go. And that’s when it hit me. I had made myself thin, with the thought that then I would be lovable and that then I could enjoy my life. But I was thinner, thinner than I’d been since I was a preteen and I still wouldn’t let myself go enough to do the things I deeply wanted to do. To let myself enjoy life. How freeing it would be to just, let go!

My love for learning kicked in and I made the decision to start reading up and educating myself. I came across a book my mum had not so subtly left lying around the house. ‘Just Eat it – How Intuitive eating can help you get your shit together around food’ by Laura Thomas. I didn’t believe I had an eating disorder until I started reading her book. As she listed off the disorders, she then came to Orthorexia – defined as an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating or over exercising. ‘When was the last time you even asked yourself what you’d like instead of what you ‘can’ or ‘should’ eat?’ she queried. The sad reality was that I couldn’t remember. ‘We trust our phones more than we trust our bodies’. Well that was certainly true for me. She used science, showing that weight was in fact not a determinant of health but that by exercising, eating healthy and not smoking we could be healthy, regardless of our size. That eating a donut didn’t in fact negate the nutrients of the carrot we ate earlier. And that white flour was actually infused with calcium and that those carbs are what give us energy to move and enjoy life. My eyes gradually opened to all the lies diet culture had taught me and I felt empowered.

I moved on to more books and podcasts and started culling my social media feed of anyone that didn’t make me feel good. I started following intuitive eating dietitians and anti-diet advocates. Following people of all shapes and sizes and realising how biased our society is towards people in smaller bodies. Not just the size of airplane seats but assuming that all health issues experienced by fat people can be solved by weight loss. I learnt that the night sweats I had been experiencing, the pretty much non-existent sex drive and the inability to maintain body heat for any length of time were in fact all side effects of the restricted eating and over-exercising. Half the time I didn’t even look as thin as I had become because I was wearing so many layers of clothes in order to keep warm. Walking around the house with a hot water bottle strapped to my waist and wearing a fur coat indoors while out for dinner with friends. Only now can I laugh at the image of it. I started to make a list of all the things I would gain through gaining weight and glancing back over it now, I have gained all of these and more. My headspace, my laughter, my body heat and a fantastic relationship that I thankfully didn’t destroy because of my restrictive, anxious mind-set.

My recovery hasn’t been easy. The steps toward eating intuitively start with banishing your food rules and allowing yourself to eat what you want. A process that takes time before you can start tuning into your hunger and fullness cues again and introducing gentle nutrition. It involved allowing myself to devour entire tubs of Oatly chocolate fudge ice-cream, multiple evenings per week. Making my way through all the delicious Deliveroo takeaway options London had to offer – Honest Burgers red meat beef burgers with rosemary salted fries, Franco Manca pizzas, with all the toppings, and Kin & Deum Thai curries, with full fat coconut milk. Gradually I started being able to listen to my body and trust it. Whether it hungered for a salmon stir-fry or was seeking out a slice of chocolate cake. The interesting thing being, that months later it now craves nutritious food the majority of the time. And that by allowing it to have higher sugar or fat containing foods whenever it wants, I no longer feel out of control around them. I no longer find myself devouring three large sized bags of crisps in one sitting, overtaken by the fear that I will never let myself eat them again.

I have days where I find myself critiquing my larger thighs in the mirror but instead of allowing the thoughts consume me, I allow them float by with curiosity and continue about my day knowing that the way I look doesn’t define me and that the greatest things about me have nothing to do with my body shape or size. I am a thoughtful friend, who prides herself at remembering important moments in friends’ lives. A courageous girl who isn’t afraid to try new things, whether that be travelling solo across Vietnam or signing up to a surf and yoga retreat in Cornwall. A creative person who loves to draw and a lifelong learner that is open to new ideas and wants to challenge her way of thinking. My body will change a lot over the next 50 plus years of my life, but the great thing is that thanks to freeing myself from the disease, I get to look forward to the possibility of being alive for that long and to enjoying every waking moment, no longer postponing life for when I look or am a certain way.

#recovery #healing #dietculture #orthorexia #bodyimage #eatingdisorder #rediscoveringlife

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thoseindarkness · 4 years ago

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DtD News Nov 2020

Thank you to anyone who came back for this nonsense. For brevity I have an announcement that I want to make up front. I didn't have room for it last month so I pushed it back, but I can't anymore. I had to make one major revision to the published story. I want people to know about it.

This is the TLDR version. I tell a more in-depth story at the end.

ANNOUNCEMENT

The summary: I had a bad outline walking into writing Mistrust Goes Both Ways. I ran into a problem mid-story. Instead of stopping and taking the time I needed, I challenged myself to creatively solve my way out of my problems. I re-started with about half of what I'd written, published Mistrust Goes Both Ways, and restarting my outline with high hopes. I was proud of myself for rising to the challenge.

Despite my best efforts, it didn't work out. In the end, I had to scrap my outline. I was able to structure the end I was going for and spent the end of 2019 trying to link the first two stories to the ending I wanted. It wasn't working. Then TRoS. Then COVID. Here we are. In June, I started experimenting with scrapping Mistrust and restarting from Read Between.

Mistrust Goes Both Ways will not be part of the finished story when I'm done. I know some of you love it. I love it. I have no intention of taking it down. I might, for a short time, when I'm posting the final story. I'll let you know if that happens and it will go back up afterward. I don't have specifics as there's no point planning for it now.

For right now, nothing is changing on my AO3 account. Feel free to read and comment to your hearts content. I promise it will stay up forever to remind me that some mistakes are worth sharing with others. I learned good lessons from this mistake. It stays.

That being said I think I owe you an actual update on the progress of this story.

WHAT THE HELL I DID THIS MONTH

After my first update I needed to re-integrate with Reylo friends. Funnily enough, that pulled me into another fic. I've been working on that between following this election. Now that it's called I can get back to writing. I tried a couple of times since I voted on Oct 30th, but I knew it wasn't what I wanted to be thinking about.

Thankfully, I've also begun doing more social/political essays lately. I'm not sure what overall form or shape those may take and I haven't published any. Still, I was creative and I did plenty of writing. Interestingly, all this political focus is good for Deceive the Deceiver. Spinning and listening to conspiracy theories is a big part of weaving a world like this one. A great deal comes from my thoughts and perceptions of the real world.

WHERE DTD IS

As of right now I am in the process of first drafting the entire story with Read Between as the starting point. That is, every one of the short stories in the series. What I'm doing is somewhere between a history, an outline and random scene writing. All of these elements are currently strung together in one long, continuous, chronological, first draft. It's everything from the history before Read Between (which starts in the 1930's), all the way to the final scene of DtD.

I'm taking all the good ideas I've created in the last couple of years and re-organizing them into a first pass. It's the skeleton and some of the meat now. I'm slowly building out now that I have a blank-er slate. It's about choosing what works and what doesn't.

I call it accordion writing. It just gets bigger and bigger. This outline will later level up into the first full story drafts for each part. I've got so much history when I finish this I might… I'm getting ahead of myself. Don't want to give too many clues away.

Another interesting thing that's happened recently is I've started pulling bits of other fic ideas that I’m just not gonna finish. A big chuck of the history I stole from a modern/academia AU where Ben and Rey are history students specializing in the ancient Jedi religion. Another was a complication between characters came from a canon story where I wanted to paint the relationship with a new layer. We'll see if I can pull that off.

I spent a lot of time prior to this year focusing on the heroes but my villains hadn't gotten much love. Filling in the history has given me a chance to flesh out the villains. All their moves and countermoves, woven through the bits I already have, are spinning a pretty tapestry. Oh, the villains are so much fun to write!

This other fic came together in the same sort of accordion fashion and it's been fun working through the kinks in the process now that I've seen some of the weak points on a scale like DtD. I think I've mentioned, but this is a writing experiment for me and I'm most invested now in improving my process and clue-threading with DtD. This other fic is helping me test it on a smaller scale.

Not that this needs to get any longer, I'm just going to throw pretense out the window and go with complete vanity. If you don't give a wet shit about my life (and I don't blame you) you have reached the end of your journey. I hope to see you next month. If not, then I leave you with this parting:

May we meet again in our next fandom, through mutes and not as rival shippers.

The following is the ridiculous story of my ups and downs with Deceive the Deceiver. I figure if I explain to you how much I'm invested in this story some of you will stop worrying that I'm going to abandon it. Trust me. I'm not.

This tale stretches from NANOWRIMO 2018 and the prompt that started it, through the ups and downs of 2019 and 2020, to the writing of last month's letter. Buckle up. I love bumpy rides.

DtD: from NANO '17 to COVID-19

This story truly starts in December 2017 when I drenched the seat beneath me during Last Jedi. I'm a TLJ shipper. I got caught on the thirst train. It hit a time when writing was becoming a really big part of my life. I've been writing since I was a kid. I stopped for a while and came back to it. It's a long story. Ultimately, I'd started writing a lot a few years earlier. A mix of fic and originals but I was running into problems so I start reading a bunch of books to get better. TLJ lit the fires. NO joke TLJ came out on the 15th. I have pages of writing from the 20th.

2018 was Reylo year! I was already on Tumblr for my previous fandom (Batman comics). I found Reylo AU week which is in August. I submitted a story for that. It was the first fic I published for Reylo. Fast-forward August to November. I'm in the Writing Den on Discord and someone throws out this spy prompt. People start running with. Throwing ideas around. One of those was the snuggie in Mistrust! I have that conversation saved and story spots for each crazy thing they threw out. Finally, I said I'd do it!

Mind you, this is November 2nd. Nano has just started and the event is about "turning off your internal editor." This prompt consumed me. I was trying to keep up with SpaceWaffleHouseTM that first year. I did, btw. We both crested 100,000. It was my first Nano. Word count is not my problem. Organizing my crazy ambitious ideas is my problem. Some of that 100k was other stories, like Custard which I wrote half of in November and the other half Jan/Feb 2019. Most of it… probably 80k of it… was DtD.

Read Between the Lies is currently 33,710. I wrote at least 20k of that during that first Nano, as well as outlines and scenes for what I thought would be the starting point. I remember wanting to write Read Between to "get into their headspace" by writing their first meeting. I didn't think it would become a whole story. I was just going with it then. Any idea that came to mind.

I took December 2019 off for a few reasons. Some personal. Some burnout. I'm one of those people that can use writing to relieve stress, but I was so exhausted from that month-long writing sprint. By the last week I was dragging to get the final four or five thousand words to hit 100k.

Also, what I had by the end (no internal editor) was a bird nest of ideas that had too many beginnings, not enough middles, and endings to go around. I knew one thing right away: I knew I had more than one story. There were so many fun ideas. I figured, what the hell. I knew another thing right away: the prompt was at the end of the story. Like, the very end. Like, the last short story. Or the second to last short story, at the earliest. That hasn't changed. Ever. That's just where it ended up.

Between January and April of 2019 I touched DtD a few times. I kept coming back to it, reading through it, trying to untangle it. I made new notes on the stories. Expanded ideas. Tried to structure it. I figured out a bunch of good notes, but no real substance. The hardest thing was figuring out where to start! Did I:

(1) Start shortly before the prompt with Ben/Rey's relationship established and fill the story with the history?

(2) Start a lot earlier and build Ben/Rey's relationship from the beginning I'd written in Read Between?

If I'm being honest, Read Between was a lot better than I thought it would be and I didn't want to get rid of it. For a while I was thinking of publishing it last as a "prequel" if people liked the series.

Funny enough, the turning point happened May fourth weekend 2019…

In the week leading up, I was struggling through another story and decided to take a break for the weekend. I'd start writing again on Sunday when I met with my writing group. I met them through Nano. We used to meet at Panera. Now they meet on Discord. They mostly sprint though and I'm not a sprinter. I miss Panera. Anyway.

May 4th was a Sunday (look it up). I gave myself a writing break for the weekend and marathoned Star fucking Wars. It was nerd weekend. I was going to nerd out. I wore exclusively SW gear all weekend. I remember it well. It was the start of something fucking magical in my life.

Have I mentioned recently I really love this story. Trust me I will fucking finish it. Oh my god the demons won't leave until I do. Get them out of my head…

I had a pretty rockstar weekend. I believe the reason I skipped the PT that weekend was because I'd watched it the month before or so. Right after finishing the Clone Wars animated series (which is awesome and I strongly recommend both it and Rebels). I skipped them and SOLO.

Starting with R1, I went through in chronological order. I stopped at RotJ. I was with my family on Saturday and they were playing RotJ in the living room during the party. We talked about my marathon. My mom came over to my apartment after. We watched RoTJ properly. Then Force Awakens. It was too late by then to watch TLJ. I know I went straight to bed after my mom left on Saturday night.

Somewhere during or right after TFA I started thinking about Deceive the Deceiver. I don't remember what sparked it. I went to bed thinking about DtD. I know this with 100% certainty because I woke up thinking about again on Sunday and I thought it was quite odd.

I dream about this story in a way I have only dreamt about a precious few. Technicolor folks. It keeps me up at night.

I went to my writing group with (a) no plan for what to write, (b) a gordian knot that I had yet to untangle, (c) a sudden urge to re-read it. I opened my notes and read DtD through all our sprints. I read most of it during that writing session. We go about three hours.

That night I had Game of Thrones at my parent's. It was the (spoiler alert) episode where Arya kills the Night King. I remember because two minutes into the episode my brother's car broken down a few blocks from our apartment and we had to go help him. Derailed the whole night (this is foreshadowing).

Side note: I live with my younger brother and he's the best roommate I've ever had in my 35 years of life. Love you, Mo!

The episode was recording so we ran out. Had to leave the car in a parking lot. Someone had already helped him push it out of a puddle but my brother was soaked to mid-calf and the engine was shot. We dropped him off at home and I rode back to my Momma's crib to watch GoT. It was only the beginning of a wild night.

I went to bed late. I had to get up a few hours early to deal with the car before work started for either of us. I guess we were both hoping to avoid taking the day off. That wasn't going to happen. I drove home but I couldn't sleep. That crazy episode and the fact that my brain was already on fire with DtD.

I spent the wee hours finishing my re-read through the rough draft of Read Between the Lies. It saw my starting place. I started writing. I wrote through waiting in a parking lot, for the tow truck, in my car, at 6 am, with no sleep. I did a voice recording as I drove from the parking lot to the mechanic where the driver was taking my brother's car. I thought about it the whole way back. I sat on the sofa a wrote some more when we got home. I went to bed at 11 am and I'd written 10k more words for Read Between the Lies.

Somewhere between the chaos of May 5th and the official publish date on June 5th, Read Between got written. I know it didn't take too long. I remember sending it off to beta (by my amazing beta team on 1 & 2: Em, Jen, and Sai) and immediately pivoting to my outline. I slapped that together far too hastily and kept moving. I was going on holiday in the UK (I'm American and I'm ashamed) in early August so I planned on trying to publish Part 2 when I got back. At the very least I wanted it ready for beta.

Also some to admit, around the middle of 2019 I was fatigued with the fandom. We were hitting a lull. I was psyching myself up for the end and the exit. I was trying to clean house. I wanted to push out unfinished fics. To make them work. There was a lot of that mood from me in 2019. I was trying to make everything work. It's why Read Between came out, and that was a good thing. It's also why Mistrust came out, and that was a bad thing.

With that mentality looming, tough outline in hand, I started writing Mistrust before the end of May. I hit my snag sometime during the period I was publishing Read Between because by the time it was all done I knew I wasn't going to have a finished story by the time I left for London. I would figure it out when I got back. I picked up another project to distracted me from my problems for a little while. That is going to be an original if it's anything. One day…

At some point after I got back I started focusing heavily on problem solving. I had two stories already and a number of plot threads I had to resolve. I have heavy, heavy, heavy notes from September to December of 2019. Lots of possible ways to run this story. It sucks that a lot of that stuff isn't going to make it, but I'm recycling shit every day and I learned so much about the characters/story in that four month period. It really shaped the finished product in an important way.

This period is where I started to look at the bigger structure and how I was going to solve specific plot problems in each short story to bring the whole together. That focus on the different parts is important because it was the last thing on my mind when TRoS happened.

December 20th (the release date) is my birthday. My ass drove up to one of those Reylo-only screenings and I was surrounded by amazing people as I watched a movie that ruined my 35th birthday. Thankfully, I spent it in incomparable company. Thank you to all the hosts and super special thanks to Jen. Not only was she a DtD beta on both, she invited me. Thank you love! You are the reason I still remember that trip with joy.

Side note: I no longer hate TRoS. I've made my peace with it. I'm a far happier person now.

Needless to say, the only Reyloing I did in January of this year was venting frustration. Then I took a few weeks away from the fandom. I'd done my purging into the void. I knew other people still needed the space to vent but I had to get away. Once the toxin is out I couldn't let it back in.

What occurred starting in February of 2020 was a series of situations in which, every time I logged into Twitter I was faced with the kind of vitriol in the fandom that I don't need in my life. Some of it was still TRoS stuff, even as late as May. I'm not judging, I'm just saying, with the world on fire (literally), I didn't need it.

I don't think I have to explain why I've avoided social media like the plague since early this year. I live in America. If you heard anything about our recent President I don't have to explain any further what this year has been like. That has been par for course all over the world.

So here's my secret to happiness. I don't fux with the trolls. Do not engage. Sometimes that means radio silence. I'm breaking that silence because I want you to know 2020 has not destroyed DtD. It's only leveled shit up.

I have pretty much been working on this story consistently since March of this year. I go back and forth with reading, history, documentaries. I'm learning to wield many new weapons. They take time to settle in. DtD is the de-stressor I go to in between the real shit.

Sometime in June I was screwing around with the order of the parts. I had worked out the end but I was trying to bridge the gap between the ending I was certain I needed to get to and the two beginning stories I'd already published. I couldn't bridge the gap. It had been a year since I published Read Between and it wasn't working. Then I had an epiphany.

What if I got rid of Mistrust? Read Between is a pretty blank slate. I didn't want to re-write it and I still don't. I have no intention of getting rid of Part 1. I may clean it up and add some stuff at the very last minute, but it will be right before the new stuff drops as a pre-cursor to the flood of subsequent stories. I may add a few new clues or alter a scene or two, but I have plenty of room to move with it exactly the way it is.

What does that mean for Mistrust Goes Both Ways? To make a long story short, there was no good way for me to continue with what I'd published and still write the story in my head. I'm sure there are cool places to take the existing story, but that's not what I'm trying to do. In truth, I should have left 1 and not published 2 when I hit a snag. Lesson learned.

In June I basically threw Mistrust out and asked myself, "Now what?" I have months of great ideas rife for reshuffling and no restrictions on how to bridge the gap from 1 to the ending I wanted. But the end had shifted.

That brings us up to speed. The last thing I did before taking a much needed break was get through 90% of the history in my accordion outline/draft. I poured the foundation that was missing. I walked away in early October and let it set. I'm going to button up this other fic I'm working on and then go back to DtD and check the foundation I laid.

I'm very confident that not only will it hold, but that with fresh eyes and the fun side stories I've had the chance to lay to rest, I will finally be able to start building the finished products on top of it.

IN CONCLUSION

I'm still as excited as I've ever been for this story. It frustrates me all the time, but that means the medicine for my soul is working its magic. Change it painful, but pain is transformative. I've embrace changed. That ache is just a sign the muscles are getting stronger. Growing pains. As I learn to live with them in my family, my country, and my job, I find that life's lesson's often end up reflecting in every place in our life if we but open our eyes to look.

Growing pains exist in my writing process too. They are as transformative in this corner of my life as they are in every other. They have revealed as much about me as a person in my writing as they have in my politics. They have taught me how to compromise with my family as I learn to compromise with my characters. As I consider how people treat each other I am reminded that struggles in understanding our fictional counterparts may shine a light on our struggles to understand our truer selves.

Take care of yourselves. Once you've got that covered, if you can, take care of each other. Feel free to poke me and say hi. If not, until next month.

Fari.

#deceive the deceiver #reylo #reylo fanfic #reylo fan fiction #modern au #spy au #fan fic #fan fiction

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shemakesmusic-uk · 4 years ago

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After releasing her film Black Is King as a Disney+ exclusive a few weeks ago, Beyoncé has shared the visual 'Brown Skin Girl' on YouTube. Featuring SAINt JHN, WizKid, and daughter Blue Ivy, the clip features appearances by former bandmate Kelly Rowland, Noami Campell, Lupita Nyong’o, and more. The video coincided with a special message the star shared with Good Morning America. "It was so important to me in 'Brown Skin Girl' that we represented all different shades of brown," Beyoncé said of the video, crediting director Jenn Nkiru with the concept. "It was important that we are all in this together and we're all celebrating each other." [via The FADER]

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Eivør releases a new single and video, ‘Let It Come’, the latest lifted from her forthcoming album Segl. The transportive new clip - filmed in Iceland - is a prequel to the video for previous single release ‘Sleep On It’, which Eivør released last month. Both videos are directed by Einar Egils and feature actor Tómas Lemarquis (Blade Runner 2049, X-Men: Apocalypse). Speaking about ‘Let It Come’, Eivør says; "It’s one of those songs that took many shapes before it reached its final destination and I guess the opening line pretty much explains it all: “Sometimes I overthink the most simple things”. This song is a follow up to my previous single 'Sleep On It' - whilst that was about insomnia and making difficult choices, 'Let It Come' is about coming out at the other end of this struggle, embracing the uncertainties you might find yourself in and finding the courage to believe that something good will come your way." Of the interplay between the two music videos he has created for Eivør, director Einar Eglis adds; "'Let It Come' is a prequel to the end of the world that was portrayed in the ‘Sleep On It’ video. Eivør has been stuck in a loop of uncertainty for years, until she sees a vision that will end everything as we know it, and she is the key towards redemption. She must face these facts and embrace the golden idol she is to become."

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The gentle, hypnotic sway of 'god's chariots' is central to MaryLou Mayniel's first full-length project Galore. Her catalogue of experimental electronica is impressive whichever way you look at it. Creating everything from video game soundtracks to an EP sampling the likes of Miley Cyrus and Carly Rae Jepsen to vast instrumental odysseys and empowering pop anthems, Mayniel can turn her hand to almost anything. 'god's chariots' is at the helm of the singer-songwriter's latest drop of new music. “It’s a fantasy, a place you’re in to escape reality, but it’s also about being so lonely that you kind of lose your mind,” explains Manyiel. A fragment of her forthcoming debut full-length project 'god's chariots' is just one piece of the ever-expanding story which Oklou shares on Galore. With additional tracks 'nightmare' and 'rosebud', also out n ow, we get to piece more of Galore's narrative of emotional rebirth together. Already an illuminating experience with its first six songs out in the world, soon you'll be able to witness Manyiel's first masterpiece in all its glory when the rest of the project is released next month. [via Line Of Best Fit]

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Madeline Kenney has shared the visual for her Sucker's Lunch album track 'Cut the Real'. 'Cut the Real' is one of the most lyrically confrontational tracks on Kenney's new album Sucker's Lunch. Kenney has unveiled the accompanying self-directed visual filmed in Oakland that sees her dressed in a Rococo style suit and makeup, giving a heartfelt performance of the song's fierce lyrics. Madeline Kenney: "I wrote 'Cut the Real' when I was feeling particularly insane / depressed /"out of my mind" as I was starting a new relationship. I really struggle with self confidence and found myself spiraling out into deep holes of self-loathing -- even though I knew what was going on I couldn't stop that cycle. The concept was inspired by the aesthetic choices in recent Aldous Harding videos as well as old Annie Lennox videos. I wanted to put on a gender-neutral Rococo outfit and just really allow myself to ham it up, and occupy that same spinning-out headspace as I was in while writing the song." [via Line Of Best Fit]

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Four years after she released her solo debut Slugger, Speedy Ortiz leader Sadie Dupuis is getting ready to release Haunted Painting, the second album released under her Sad13 alias. The album comes out next month, and now we get another new song, and it’s got a pretty great music video attached. The new Sad13 track is called 'Hysterical,' and it’s a zippy synthpop track with layered lyrics: “I wanna see you disappear and laugh like I don’t need permission.” In a press release, Dupuis says that the song is about “unfunny comedians [who] love to argue that ‘PC culture’ destroys comedy.” Dupuis plays almost all the instruments herself. The video, directed by Kate Banford and Jamie Loftus, features Dupuis alongside comedy-world mainstays like Loftus, Mitra Jouhari, and Demi Adejuyigbe. Like the new horror movie Host, the whole thing takes place on a computer screen, and it’s all about what happens when a ghost shows up in a Zoom party and kills everyone. [via Stereogum]

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When Cross Record’s Emily Cross and Dan Duszynski teamed up with Shearwater’s Jonathan Meiburg to form Loma, it seemed like it might be one-off endeavor. But then last month we got news that they’d be following their 2017 debut with a new album, Don’t Shy Away. Along with the announcement, they shared a stunning new track called 'Ocotillo'. Today, they’re back with another one. The latest preview of Don’t Shy Away arrives in the form of 'Half Silences,' which the band shared an earlier iteration of last year. 'Half Silences' was the first song we recorded for Don’t Shy Away, and we kept tinkering with it after we soft-released an early version last year,” Meiburg explained in a statement. “When you start making a record, you don’t know which songs will make the cut — but this one always seemed to belong, and we wanted to give the final mix (and its DIY video) a proper debut. People have asked if the fireworks are CGI. They aren’t.” 'Ocotillo' was an almost foreboding song, cresting into horn arrangements that teetered on the brink of chaos. In comparison, 'Half Silences' is a dreamier and hazier composition. But in either form, Loma are making some gorgeous, otherworldly music. [via Stereogum]

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Back in June, the Bristol songwriter Fenne Lily announced her sophomore album, BREACH. So far we’ve heard advance singles 'Alapathy' and 'Berlin,' and today she’s back with another one. Lily’s latest is called 'Solipsism.' Here’s what she had to say about it: "A lot of situations make me uncomfortable — some parties, most dates, every time I’m stoned in the supermarket. 'Solipsism' is a song about being comfortable with being uncomfortable and the freedom that comes with that. If you feel weird for long enough it becomes normal, and feeling anything is better than feeling nothing. I wanted this video to be a reflection of the scary thought that I’ll have to live with myself forever. It’s surreal to realize you’ll never live apart from someone you sometimes hate. Dad, if you’re reading this you killed it as shopper number 2." The song comes with a video directed by Tom Clover with the non-profit Film Co. “I asked Fenne what products she wanted to be and then worked backwards from there with the illustrators,” Clover explained. “Most of the references came from Asian Supermarket packaging — they are way more interesting. The most important thing was making sure that it reflected upon Fenne’s personality — there’s a bunch of details you might miss on the first watch!” [via Stereogum]

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About two weeks ago Oceanator shared 'Heartbeat,' the third and final single from their upcoming full length debut, Things I Never Said and now it has a video. The highly anticipated album via Plastic Miracles captures Elise Okusami’s songwriting at it’s best, a strong effort that sits between pop, rock, fuzzy punk, and alternative radio gold. The video, directed by David Combs and Ben Epstein, is every bit as delightful as the song itself, opening with the same magnetic energy as we find Okusami seemingly lost and looking for companionship. She finds it eventually in the form of herself, quite literally, as she joins herself at a bus stop, and then again in a field, with ten of more copies, al rocking out, all enjoying each other’s company. There’s a brilliant barbershop quartet moment, cool animation, and enough smiles to keep you going throughout your day. Speaking about the song, Okusami shared: “This song is loosely about having a crush, and both the grounding feeling and the anxiety that feeling brings. We recorded it all together like a live performance, and then I went back and added the lead guitars and the vocals. Guitar and vocals by me, bass Eva Lawitts (they), drums Aaron Silberstein (he)." [via Post Trash]

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Ontario-based project Falcon Jane – the moniker for primary songwriter of the group, Sara May – have released their soaring new single, ‘The Other Moon’ via Pittsburgh-based label, Darling Recordings – you can watch the new video that comes co-directed by May and Dominique van Olm above. ‘The Other Moon’, which is lifted from a larger body of material set to come from Sara May further down the line, finds the artist exploring deeply sentimental and personal themes, from death to memory, and the miscommunication that can take place between generations. May has a penchant for unpacking these emotions in succinct and comprehensible forms, making something so personal and idiosyncratic to her feel so familiar to the rest of us. Much of May’s forthcoming work found its source of inspiration in early 2019 when her songwriting synched up with a string of deaths that occurred in her immediate family; ‘The Other Moon’ pays a touching testament to her Nonna with May lacing the track’s stark honesty with swooning guitar and her enchanting vocal palette, a sound that co-director, van Olm visualized as May’s DIY journey through space. Speaking about the new track, May says: “‘The Other Moon’ is a letter and tribute to my late Nonna whose death inspired me to start recording this album. Despite being from two completely different generations, and speaking two different languages, my Nonna and I had a very special connection. We understood each other and cared about each other, even if we couldn’t find the words to express it. My Nonna would always cheekily joke about her own death, and through her broken English, she claimed that when she died she’d be going to “The Other Moon”. This song is not a story about a happy-go-lucky relationship between grandmother and granddaughter,” May continues. “It accurately depicts the contrasting dynamic of a very loving friendship mixed with a lifelong trauma-ridden miscommunication. The big hole in my heart, the black cloud over our love. This song feels like the message I always wanted to send to her; pushing through the darkness to find the deep love we shared and continue to share now.”

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Baby Queen has released her third track 'Medicine' with a fab new video. The follow-up to ‘Buzzkill', it arrives ahead of her debut EP later this year. "It's about a tangle of mental health and navigating your way through this world,” Bella says of the song, “whilst being so unhappy and equally disillusioned with the cyber landscape that we are forced to live inside, and the different ways people might numb themselves, or try to find a place where they can exist in amongst all of this fucking chaos." [via Dork]

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Oklahoma-born, LA-based electro-pop songstress Mothica has released her debut album Blue Hour, accompanied by the official music video for her single 'VICES.' The album was written over the course of a few months, starting with one of the worst moments of Mothica’s life: a psych ward stay for self-harm and ends with a song about never wanting to feel the “crash” of drugs ever again. “Following that incident, I sought therapy and wrote lyrics detailing my journey into sobriety. I am now 13 months sober at the time of writing this, and have never been in a better place emotionally.” With her new album Blue Hour, she chronicles her deep struggle with addiction + mental health and the process of getting sober. “Someone told me that every artist has their ‘getting sober album’ eventually,” she explains. “I find it ironic that my debut album is my ‘getting sober’ album, because I think that’s indicative of how quickly I was forced to grow up."

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FKA twigs has always made incredible music videos, and 'sad day' ranks right up there with her best. For this clip, twigs worked with the director Hiro Murai, one of the best music-video directors to emerge in the last decade. Murai has mostly moved on from music videos in recent years. Instead, he’s directed episodes of Atlanta and Barry, two of the best shows on TV, as well as Donald Glover’s Amazon short film Guava Island and the forthcoming apocalyptic miniseries Station Eleven. The 'sad day' video is Murai’s first clip since he made the instantly iconic 'This Is America' with Donald Glover in 2018. I don’t want to give away much of the 'sad day' video, which starts out in a dingy takeout spot and transforms into a surreal dream-logic head trip. But you should know that twigs only made this video after spending three years studying martial arts at the Shaolin Wushu Center, and you can tell. A dancer named Teake, who twigs discovered via social media, co-stars. [via Stereogum]

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The latest of Silly Boy Blue's ongoing build is 'Hi, It's Me Again,' a song she describes as the "too long text I didn't want to send at 3 AM to my ex." Like the rumination behind a loaded, emotional message to a former lover, she adds that it took months to assemble the words in her head but only one night to write out the lyrics. "I needed to write a song about this, because it's a very special place between the hate and the void during a breakup." With an almost lullaby melody, the spacey tune slowly builds into the ultimate warning: "You'll be the one I always haunt," Silly Boy Blue sings, her voice beautifully layered and atmospheric. All her thoughts throughout the song are interlaced with the relatable, somewhat insecure backpedal, "I'm sorry," capturing the headspace "just before resilience," as she describes. It's "when you start to understand the breakup, but you still have so many questions popping in your head." In the 'Hi, It's Me Again' video, Silly Boy Blue says she "needed to show the different parts" of her identity. "Some of them are masculine, some of them are feminine, some of them seem confident, some seem shy, some seem to suffocate, some stand proudly." Much like the nuanced feelings during a breakup, she expresses without binaries — and especially through fashion, as she opens the clip in only an oversized men's button-down. Scenes in the new visual roll by like memories or fleeting emotions, ranging from subdued drama to full on meltdowns. At one point, she's shown with a plastic bag pulled over her head to capture the most extreme feelings of dread, juxtaposed against a more innocent shot of Silly Boy Blue in all white with two lone tear drops fixated on her cheek. The artist also loaded in "important" references to her favorite movies, from the Titanic's necklace to The Rocky Horror Picture Show's big mouth. [via PAPER]

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Dream Nails have released a video for their new single, 'This Is The Summer'. It's a song from their new Tarek Musa of Spring King-produced, self-titled record out now via Alcopop!. “[It's] a song about how our climate is breaking down irreversibly,” says singer Janey Starling. “Colonial capitalism, waged by UK governments and corporations for centuries, has ravaged our earth. “We need to be urgently fighting for migrant rights so the UK welcomes climate refugees displaced by countries hit by extreme weather. We must demand transparency from oil companies who relentlessly put profit before people, even as the world burns." Guitarist Anya Pearson adds: “We wrote ‘This Is The Summer’ in the heatwave of 2018, recorded it in another heatwave in 2019 and now we are releasing it in yet another heatwave! Our video for the track shows how the current pandemic, white supremacy and climate change are not separate issues but interlinked. The song is about the brazen complacency of getting drunk and catching a tan in the park while the world burns.” [via Dork]

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BBC Sound Of 2020 winner Celeste has shared her new single 'Little Runaway'. Out now, the single is about a crisis of faith, and features a towering vocal from the London artist. A song about succumbing to the depths before emerging renewed, 'Little Runaway' began as a jazz sample, before taking on a life of its own. Celeste says... “‘Little Runaway’ is a song about losing your faith, even if just momentarily, and seeking answers from spirits and ghosts as nothing seems to make sense on this planet. My favourite line in the song is ‘good news I could use some’ – I believe everyone has a guardian angel, a protector, and this is me talking to mine.” “The verses actually started as this saxophone sample we were playing around with and eventually it transformed into the melody. I always play the sax back in my head even though it’s not in the song.” 'Little Runaway' features an innovative music video, steered by Celeste’s frequent collaborator Sophie Jones. [via Clash]

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Anna Sofia released a brand new music video for her song 'Don’t Play Pretend'. 'Don’t Play Pretend' is from her latest EP Broken Perfection. Over a million streams into her career, Anna Sofia sings this song about her own life. She might not be perfect. She might make mistakes. All that said, at least she doesn’t pretend to be something she’s not. Sofia said she doesn’t have a message. “It’s just real life,” she said. “One day, I hope to fill stadiums all over the world. I want to have fans everywhere and have some way of helping them or guiding them through my music. My confidence comes from being myself and connecting with people.” [via The 360 Mag]

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Last year, the K-pop group BLACKPINK made big moves in America with their Kill This Love EP, becoming the highest-charting women-led Korean act on both the Billboard 200 and the Hot 100 (with its title track). They also played Coachella. Earlier this year, they had a guest feature on Lady Gaga’s Chromatica with ‘Sour Candy,’ a single that matched their previous chart record at #33. They’re releasing a new album in a couple months, which was led off by ‘How You Like That’ in June. Now, they’re putting out another song from it, a collaboration with Selena Gomez called ‘Ice Cream.’ The food angle of the track is appropriate for Gomez, who has most recently been in the headlines for her new HBO Max cooking show. [via Stereogum]

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Tel-Aviv based artist Noga Erez shares the next in a series of game-changing singles leading into her mysterious second album (details yet to be announced). 'You So Done' and its striking accompanying video are out now via City Slang. Following the sparkling sass of 'VIEWS' and the irresistibly upbeat lockdown anthem 'NO news on TV', Noga Erez and her collaborative partner Ori Rousso's latest offering 'You So Done' has been highly anticipated online since appearing on NBC's Good Girls earlier this year. It sees Erez shift from outward looking political themes to personal soul-searching, opening up for a stirring track about rejection, toxic and emotionally violent relationships, and ones own inner violence. Along with the track she has shared a moving statement, saying: "At some point, exactly one year ago, I started flashing back to one of the darkest times in my life. I was young, incredibly confused and lonely... There was a moment during this period where I was actually so weak, insecure and in need of love that I was not able to step out of what I know now to be an emotionally abusive relationship." She concludes: "It really, truly means the world to me to give this song to you. I hope this story can help some of you to realise that you are not alone. And I really do hope to make it clear that even the darkest places are not impossible to free yourself from. They are eventually an opportunity to learn, grow and to become a stronger person." Erez has created a reputation for the captivating videos that accompany her songs, and this latest video sees her step it up a level yet again. Her third collaboration with Tel Aviv-based director Indy Hait sees Erez as a puppet in a dystopian future, being violently flung to-and-fro by an unknown captor. "The video for 'You So Done' was a big risk taker for me" she comments. "Usually, I have an idea or I work with a director on an idea together. Since this was my third video with Indy Hait, I decided to let him do his thing. He offered up an idea that included a robot and I immediately hated it. I was just not able to imagine how it wouldn't come off as a science fiction video and felt it wasn't my style. But after talking and tearing the idea apart, I realised that this is a truly meaningful character. The robot in this video is actually not the violent character. Its job was to portray the act of violence through transferring the moves from an unseen character and helping them come alive visually. The video uses muscle memory as the 'engine' to that violent dance act, and muscle memory is something that fascinates me. Eventually this video is far from being science fiction, it is my most personal video to date."

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hannah-writes · 5 years ago

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RNM Creators Appreciation Week

So I’ve not been in the right headspace to flail and rec as much as I wanted to, but today, on Cheerleader Appreciation Day, I can’t let this one pass me by. Without cheerleaders, I don’t think I’ve have posted much past my first couple of fics, and I certainly wouldn’t have finished some of the fics I found hard to write, and Not in this World would be nothing but a pipe-dream.

I don’t think those people who spend time cheerleading realise just how important they are. It’s not always telling you that you’re great (which does happen), but it’s helping bounce plot ideas off, boost you when you want to give up, to scream in excitement and help tell people that you’ve posted fic when you’re too shy to do anything more than post it and stick the link on Tumblr.

I’m so grateful for those people I have in my life right now that are fearlessly cheerleading me through everything that I want to do, especially when it comes to fic. They’re kind when I’m having trouble wording, they help unjumble the shite I write sometimes that’s full of spelling mistakes and half-finished thoughts. They bump up my confidence and tell me I’m awesome when I feel anything but. They make me feel less like I’m throwing my stuff into the void.

There are a few I really want to say a special thank you to:

@mandsangelfox: y’all know that she’s my wife, but she’s also a massive cheerleader behind the scenes. She deals with me texting her randomly, or telling her to pause what she’s watching so I can read a section to her to see if it sounds okay. She puts up with me throwing ideas at her until something sticks (and it was her idea to build out my current sci-fi horror Roswell project into something that resembles a choose your own adventure, and when I’m done you’ll all be amazed). She’s an unwavering pillar of patient support, and deals with my nonsense with aplomb.

@insidious-intent: What can I say about you? You’re always so kind and enthusiastic and impromptu beta-services help de-jumblify and sensify my fever-written crap and helps shape it into something better, and also removes some of the Britishisms that sneak in despite my best efforts! You’re a delight to talk to, and genuinely one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. Talking with you is genuinely a highlight of my day, and having you as a sounding board has helped up the angst factor of my stories, past and present (Darkest Before Dawn, I’m looking at you!). Your unwavering support and reassurance is so helpful, and I’m honoured that you let me do the same for you. Even being a small part of your creative process, I’m honoured to be included. You’ve got such a big heart, and I love that you’ve got such a loud voice when I post. I’m 100% sure that most of the people who read Not in this World ended up reading it because you yelled so loudly about it. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. And I am so grateful to have met you.

@beamirang My fellow angst queen! Man, I don’t even have words to describe how much I adore you. Not only your writing - and how you let me cheerlead for you even when all it is is incoherent screaming, emojis and gifs - but who you are as a person. I’ve never told the time in a regular way, but my time is now split into MJ leaving for work, @insidious-intent saying good morning and then 4:30am LA time when you wake up and say hello. I’ve told you this before, but I’m going to say it again, I have learned so much about how to craft stories from reading your work and from talking to you. Your enthusiasm and excitement for the things that I write constantly baffles me as you’re amazing and I’m bowled over every time you tell me that you like what I write/you’re excited. You’ve been such a boost for my confidence in sharing random snippets, you’ve inspired some of my personal favourite fics that I’ve written (including not so starcrossed, as Baxu was 100% your fault and I adore you for it) and being able to scream at you when the muse isn’t working helps immensely. I’m so glad to have messaged you out of the blue a while back, it feels like we’ve been talking forever and that’s something that I treasure. I can’t wait for our DA Fusion to be ready to share so we can cement our places as rulers of Angst.

@lire-casander & @ubiestcaelum - you ladies were the first two people I started talking to in the fandom properly and I’m so very glad I did! Getting to know you both, being able to be part of your creative process and see your wonderous works unfold and being the recipient of your feedback and comments as I post random bits of crap into our chats has helped me refine things that don’t work. You are both so ridiculously kind and talented and I’d not have posted my earlier works without you two in my corner, gently encouraging me on.

@saadiestuff SADIE. WHAT MORE CAN I SAY THAN YOU ARE GOOD PEPPE. The creator of 🐸 [frog emoji, if it doesn’t work]. It’s delightful that we have entire conversations that, to anyone else, might seem like code because we’ve got so many ridiculous jokes between ourselves. And I love that sometimes we don’t even say hello to each other, we just go 🐸🐸🐸 [frog frog frog] because of something we’ve seen each other post or mention on tumblr, or in a discord server. I adore you, girl. So very much. I’m glad we started talking.

@el-gilliath I’m SO GRATEFUL FOR YOU. Though we don’t talk as much as I want us to, the fact that we have so much in common and spend a large chunk of time screaming at each other about what we’re writing really brightens my day. Knowing that you’re on the other end of a message if I’m struggling and you’re ready to listen is such a boon. Knowing that you don’t care if I’m typoing all over the place and am generally a mess makes me feel so safe when we talk, that I don’t have to second guess everything. And knowing that, no matter what it is, you’ll read it and give me an opinion means I genuinely feel that it’s okay to just swing in and ask you for help whenever. And you know the feeling is mutual. I adore you, dude.

There are so many others, too, and I couldn’t possibly list them all though I want to, but the Junkyard folk, @jumbled-nonsense, @nielrian, @soberqueerinthewild... all of you guys who yelled at me during Not in this World and encouraged me to keep writing when all I wanted to do was pack it in. You’re SO VALUED. I’m sure there are people I’ve forgotten, and if I have, please don’t think that doesn’t mean I don’t value you, because I do. So much. Omg.

And, as a quick special mention, to those of you who are kind enough to let me cheerlead for you? It is my honour and privilege to scream at you in excitement for things. I love helping people create, I love encouraging people to keep going and do something they love and I am thankful that you let me do that for you.

Finally, finally! I can’t leave out @queersirius. Though I’ve never spoken to you, you have taken on a mammoth task with your rec list. I’ve been on there a few times and each time I’m flabbergasted by the nice things you have to say about what I’ve written. But it’s not only me, you’re a gift to the fandom, a one-stop shop for recs that has proven to be such a good way to discover new fic. I’m always excited to see what new fics you rec, I’d discovered a few new favourites as a direct result of your list. The fact that you take the time to write such detailed, thoughtful commentary and tailor a gif for each fic is mindblowing. Thank you! <3

#rnmcreate19 #roswell new mexico creator week 2019 #good vibes #rnm #fandom is a great place to make friends when it works #these people are incredible #I value them all and am overwhelmed with feels when I think about it #i love you guys

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comicteaparty · 5 years ago

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June 13th-June 19th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from June 13th, 2020 to June 19th, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:

What is your physical and digital workspace like when you’re working on your story?

🌈ERROR404 🌈

LOL it really depends on what stage I'm in of the process - My storyboarding space is at home, as comfortable as I can be, a beer and some food at the ready and pure silence. The cats have to be freshly fed, otherwise I'll be harassed and lose my headspace entirely LOL. I usually work on my story boards digitally, just at a very small scale, with my script/outline on my computer and working on my ipad! The double screen helps a LOT, although i would just print out the script if I had access to a printer, haha. When I'm working on the actual page itself, it's a very different story. I usually just try and work on it in tiny little batches during the day when I'm stuck at home, and usually work around the animals as best i can, lmao. Truthfully, I really prefer to be in a coffee shop when I'm working on finishing pages, it makes me so much more productive than i am in this house with so many things to take care of right in front of me, but, obviously, that's a bit difficult to do these days. ;; I usually reserve food and drink until after I pass a milestone in inking/sketching to help motivate me to keep going for as much as I can before taking a break, and I need some kind of music or video playing in the background to keep myself from being absolutely bored out of my mind. My shading process, since it's in black and white, is very easy and i can finish it in one setting, easy, no matter what I'm working with. I also work digitally for my pages, of course, although I don't need more than my ipad and clip studio for it!

DaeofthePast

freshly fed cats

🌈ERROR404 🌈

They are BEASTS when hungry, the little bastards (love them)

I may only work in peace when they're post-food napping lmao

DaeofthePast

we only have one, but same

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I work almost entirely in the corner of my IKEA couch at home I used to work at a proper desk with a Cintiq, but when I switched to Procreate on an iPad, I migrated to the couch and surrounded myself with a nest of clothes and blankets and books and... here I am, bein' cozy. With terrible posture But when I was between jobs last year, I did rent a little coworking space down the street so I could get out of my pajamas and go get comic stuff done there. It was a godsend. I like drawing at my favorite coffee shop every so often too, but I tend to hide my work while I draw, and there, everyone can look over my shoulder The coworking space had a tall artist desk that was rarely used, so I often grabbed that one. Not cheap, but to stave off cabin fever, heck yes, worth it.

🌈ERROR404 🌈

Ahhh I've been really thinking about getting a studio space one of these days I really shouldn't rn, with my finances as they are, but I could REALLY make use of one recently

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I loved the space I used last year. They recently had to close for... current-event reasons... and are going to reopen with all sorts of plexiglass barriers between the desks I feel so bad for them. Good studio spaces are wonderful, I would support them again if I ever was out of a job!

🌈ERROR404 🌈

it's good they've found ways to make it safer, though!

carcarchu

My old workspace was in the basement of my home in canada and it was always perpetually freezing even in the summer and i was frequently visited by spiders so my current workspace is a huge improvement in that regard. I do miss my old ergonomic desk chair though. I'm definitely not the kind of person who can draw in bed or on the couch. I need to be in workmode and having a designated space just for that is necessary for me to get in the right headspace for that.

DaeofthePast

my workspace rn is just my desk with my laptop and my drawing tablet. my laptop is stacked on top of a pile of books so i can see the screen (otherwise my tablet blocks my line of sight). it's kinda simple

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Depends. I have a Cintiq Mobile Studio, so I can draw pretty much every where and sometimes in the oddest position, but most of the time I am on my desk with the cintiq hooked up to a second monitor so I don't have to look down so much.(edited)

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

For Wayfinders: Thumbnails are somewhere cozy and the only physical work. Me and Q sit and plan them out together. The rest of wayfinders are made on Photoshop, and flat colors in clip paint studio. In the world I would love a nice studio place in an office with others. During corentine I have been working from home, and I am not that good at it, being quite the extrovert. Before corentine I was in a artist residency where I worked on Wayfinders which had a workstation and all the programs we could need. It is so nice and me and Q are going to return there when it opens up again!

Miranda

I have an iPad so usually on the couch, cozied up with coffee and pillows and blankets. But sometimes at the table. But usually on the couch like the gremlin I am

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

I have a large drafting table, a mini drafting table, and a lapdesk in my papasan when we ink/draw! Toning and letters are all done on the desktop in its own space

Miranda

I need to get a good lap desk. But that sounds like a grand setup!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

My first time hearing about a lapdesk

Omg I need one

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

They are the best things ever Mine has just the pencil holder !(some come with cup holders and its a waste of space imo)

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

Wow I like your setup of the drafting tables

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

I wanna show pics of them....if im allowed in this chat?

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

I hope so, I'm not sure which channel we can post studio photos at? I did see some did before?

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

Ill post in shop talk since creator babble gets archived

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

my current space is uh.... a bit better than my last one. I used to work on an old writers desk for a decade and I did most of my comic work sitting there cramped up with my desktop taking most of the space. Now I have an L shaped desk where I have my desktop on the shorter end. The longer end it's my pen, pencils, and watercolor stuff. my display tablet occupy the space at times so switching from digital and traditional without worrying about setup hassle is a lot better than what I dealt with before lol.

I'm glad the days I had to curl up and draw with no privacy are long gone now

kayotics

I’ve got a little drafting table where I draw all my comic pages. I’m messy with my pens so they’re kind of strewn about until I start to lose them. Then I put them back. I’m not particularly neat. I spend most of the comic process off the computer, so most of my digital work is just on an iPad where I can sit anywhere. I try to keep good lighting around my drafting table and there’s always loose eraser shavings all over.

Natasha Berlin (Pot of Gold)

I got myself a lil corner desk by the dining table. Not as well-lit as I'd like, but it's decently ergonomic and I started putting posters on my wall Plus I can leave work mindset easily by turning off my computer and forgetting about the dark corner in the dining room XD(edited)

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

My desk is really sloppy and covered in all kinds of junk. I have a harmonica, a ball of yarn, a bunch of ink bottles, etc on my desk. I have my sketchbook under my tablet and usually a notebook somewhere for writing. My tablet sits to the right of my laptop (on top of sketchbook) while I'm not using it and when I'm using it it goes over my computer keyboard. I sometimes have a glass of water or some food sitting to the lefthand side

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

The only thing I wanna share about my workspace is this

once i spent over three hours looking for that damned pen

never again

🌈ERROR404 🌈

Ajkdhfkjs the models for hte magazine im crying

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Oh my God

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

mad giggling

Deo101 [Millennium]

youre gonna manage to lose the string

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

omg

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i know in my heart deo is right but still i hope

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

You should weld a metal chain to it

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Watch me lose the whole tablet

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Oh nooo

I believe in you!

TaliePlume

My workspace is a black table with a white, yellow, blue and green tablecloth with 3 black chairs. It's next to the kitchen. On it, is my laptop and the left side is my clipboard, 3 blue folders full of writing. Then above it, is 3 sketchbooks and another blue folder from a class that I took in community college.

June 16, 2020

sagaholmgaard

I have one long desk at almost three meters. On the left side is all my coffee and tea supplies, in the middle is my work space and on the right is my dining table xD I get everything done from there, despite having a mobilestudio so I COULD sit anywhere and work, lol. It's a blessing during holiday seasons to be able to bring it everywhere, but at some I like my designated working space. Although I am moving in a few weeks, so who knows what my new workspace will be

Moral_Gutpunch

My workspace is anywhere I can draw or write. It's more of a "Will I be interrupted over something petty or stupid" issue than space. Not that I don't want more space.

Mitzi (Trophallaxis)

My workspace is a big, broken corner desk I managed to lug out of an old apartment when it was gonna be trashed. Before then, I'd just draw in bed. I don't remember, but I'm pretty sure the folding chair I sit at is a similar affair. It's got a Dollar General throw pillow on it so I can at least say I'm trying to save my back. The top of the desk is a mess of mostly old bottles and cans, pencils, incense ash, and my old tarot deck. I love this setup dearly. This is the first time I've ever had my own desk space, much less a space I can decorate or leave as messy as I want. Got my own art up on the walls with sticky tack and all! Also the cat's scratching post is directly behind me, because we've learned the cat won't use it unless it's as in the way as possible. What can ya do, lol.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Oh cats...

Desnik

I got spoiled with an adjustable desk. It is six feet long, and has a whiteboard top for noodling with dry erase markers

my main computer is set up on an adjustable stand so it floats over the desk, and then I have my cintiq, which we tried to mount on a similar stand but then it was just too heavy

I keep my dice collection nearby because fidgeting helps think things through sometimes

and rolling to make odd decisions never hurts

lately during the quarantine I've been sharing the office with my spouse so we've had to establish rules over when it's okay to bug each other(edited)

oh yeah and we also have a whiteboard installed in the office, and it rules!(edited)

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

Mine is pretty simple: I have a laptop that's long stopped being portable and is now mostly just sitting at my desk at all times and a 19 inch Ugee as my display. I usually keep a lot of stuff on top of my desk, but it's mostly just a mess because I have been using it for work too for a while now

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

I suppose I'll talk about my setup too :) My main setup is where I do digital art. I share an office with my SO, so we both have workspaces on opposite walls from each other. I work on a corner desk that holds my beefy computer, two monitors, and a Huion Kamvas GT-191. That's where I draw my comic and pretty much everything else done digitally. Ngl, it's a mess right now. I have comic notes and location floor plans in sketchbooks and DnD character sheets spread out all over the surface, and random pens and sticky notes. In the corner of the room, we have a nice large-format printer where I produce prints for conventions. I actually sketch my pages on an iPad pro in Procreate, so during the sketch phase, sometimes I'll just bundle up on my couch and do it, or before quarantine, sometimes I'd sketch on the go. My other workspace (which hasn't gotten much love as of late tbh) is a drafting table in the corner of our living room. I keep a tabletop easel on it and my Copic markers, as well as whatever I'm working on at the moment. (RN it's some ink washes.) The drawers hold all my ink, pencils, erasers, etc. Next to the drafting table is where I keep all my large charcoal, graphite, and oil pastel drawings (mostly school projects), and my large paintings. Other than that, I have a nifty little cart where I keep painting supplies :) I will say, this setup is by far an enormous improvement from my previous setups.

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