#head from some clingy butch >>>>>>>

[barbedwirechain]

*my phone autocorrecting “bitch” to “butch”* ugh, you’re so right.

[butchsunbear]

Full Moon Heat (Butch4Butch sub Werewolfx dom human)

Slight tw: Pretty graphic descriptions of a werewolf transformation

Kinks: Monsterfucking (obviously), Furry stuff (Also obvious), slight petplay? (Idk the werewolf gets talked to like a dog), dumbification, transformation.

Sylvia scrolled aimlessly on her phone, sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office while she waited for her girlfriend, Hannah, to be done with her checkup. Every month, at least a day before the full Moon, Hannah had to have exams done to check that her lycanthropy is mostly under control. They were cutting it close though, the full moon is tonight. Eventually, Hannah came out of the room. She looked uncomfortable, like way more uncomfortable than normal after one of these appointments. Sylvia stood up from her seat, placing an arm around her girlfriend's shoulders.

"Hey...what's up? You look upset." She asked softly, pushing some of Hannah's long, black hair from her face. Her girlfriend was pale, with pronounced eye bags, and big brown eyes that always looked kind of sad. Hannah looked down at her nails, and her voice went barely above a whisper.

"I'll tell you in the car. It's embarrassing." Hannah gripped her partner's hand, and Sylvia felt her stomach turn. Embarrassing how? Is she gonna be like a xoloitzcuintli dog and lose all her hair? Does she have rabies? No, she had her rabies shot last month...

It's not like Hannah hadn't been transformed in front of her. They'd been living together for three months. Her mind ran a mile a second as the two walked across the parking lot. Once they were in the car, Hannah gripped the steering wheel and looked at her feet for a moment with a giant sigh.

"Alright, so there's this thing that can happen with my transformations and stuff. If you know like how a lot of mammals go into heat? That kinda happens to me..." Hannah laid her head on the steering wheel, and Sylvia could hear the click of her eyebrow piercing as she made contact with the wheel.

Sylvia breathed a sigh of relief. She was worried it was something huge. Hannah continued,

"It's likely gonna happen tonight. I'll transform, and even though I basically lose all my IQ points, I'll still know you're my partner. The thing with this is that I'll be pretty convinced we're gonna have pups. I might be a lot more clingy, try and make a 'den' for us out of like blankets and stuff, and...well, you can kinda pick up on other stuff." The poor butch was pink in the face and looked like she wanted to be sucked into the ground, "Look, I don't expect you to do anything different. If you wanna go stay with your parents or something for tonight, I get it. Just make sure the door is locked so I don't run out and get ran over by a car or something." She sounded almost sad, she had that quality to her voice but Sylvia could tell she was embarrassed.

Sylvia smiled a little at Hannah, "That's it? I don't mind staying at all. Why didn't you tell me about this, though? We've been together for nearly four years." She tried her best not to upset Hannah, but she did feel a little hurt that she was never told. Hannah had seen her in much worse states, and she didn't even get a cool wolf form!

Hannah sighed, sitting back up and playing with her hoodie strings. "It hasn't happened since we moved in together, and usually I'd be at home and just make a little den in my closet. My mom said I'd get really antsy after we'd gotten together and tried looking for you. It's just really embarrassing."

Sylvia placed a little kiss on her cheek, tipping up Hannah's head so she'd look at her. "You have nothing to be embarrassed about babe, and I'm staying with you tonight." She gave her girlfriend a hug, letting Hannah start the car and drive them home. "Also, that bit about you looking for me is really fucking cute."

Long after they arrived home, the two were hanging out in their bedroom. Sylvia had Hannah laying on her lap but noticed her squirming. She looked up from her fanfiction and found Hannah pulling at the hoodie she was wearing.

"You okay darling?" She asked, running a hand over Hannah's hair, and she looked up at her with an uneasy expression.

"I-I need to get up. Is it getting dark out?" Hannah stood up, pulling off her hoodie. Sylvia looked at the scarred, pale, gangly butch in front of her.

Hannah's ribs easily poked from her skin, the lycanthropy burns off fat fast, and the constant shift in muscle mass didn't help. She had massive scars down her sides, Sylvia remembered the day Hannah got them. She had been trapped in her clothes mid transformation and ended up clawing off her shirt. Hannah's jagged top surgery scars were on display too, a transformation had burst the stitches, causing them to heal strangely. Her legs were covered in bruises, but those could barely be seen past her body hair.

"It is, fuck!" She saw the moon coming into view out of the window. She pulled off her shorts, afraid of her clothes being destroyed or trapped on her. The first patches of black fur coming in up her spine. Sylvia got up, placing a hand on Hannah's back. 

"Baby, baby it's okay. I've got you." She said quietly, her lover's mouth and nose elongating and her teeth growing large and sharp. Hannah's muscles thickened as she keeled over onto the floor, Sylvia getting down to her level. There were groans that escaped her mouth like a wounded animal as her muscles tore and replaced themselves. Hannah's nails grew large, turning thick, black, and sharp. Her height increased to around seven feet, her now pointed ears would brush the ceiling if she stood at her full height, each new inch accompanied by pops from her joints as nearly two feet were added. "That's it, good girl, you're doing so good." Sylvia kept cuddling her love, Hannah groaning and howling as her legs stretched out, knees twisting and popping as her hands and feet grew paw pads as they morphed into paws.

"H-hurts..." She groaned, hiding her face in her girlfriend's shoulder. A tail inched itself out of her back, covering itself in black fur.  Her back hunched and cracked, the rest of her body covered in thick fur. It was done, and Hannah looked like she was on the verge of fainting. She looked up at her girlfriend with big brown eyes, her tongue poking from her mouth. 

"There we go, it's all done. You did so good Hannah." Sylvia cooed at the wolfified Hannah. The wolf butch started pressing her snout to Sylvia's lips, as if trying to kiss her. "Aww, you want kisses pup?"

"K-kiss..kiss!" Hannah's voice was scratchy and groaning, and her words were unnatural sounding. Sylvia kissed her deeply, Hannah's tail wagged like crazy,  her nails scraping down Sylvia's back and tearing her shirt.

"Ahh, careful with those claws baby~" She cooed, gently pushing the werewolf back a little. Hannah looked at her with big puppy eyes, clinging onto Sylvia and licking at her torn shirt and the exposed skin. She then rubbed her big ol head on the shaved parts of Sylvia's head. Sylvia chuckled a little, petting her head and standing up out of her girlfriend's grasp, "Now, I'm gonna grab a new shirt from the laundry room okay, can you be good for me?" She explained in a soft voice, scratching behind Hannah's ears. Hannah nodded, climbing up on the bed and stretching out. "Oooh biig stretch!" Sylvia praised as she stepped out of the room. 

Sylvia sorted through some clean laundry, grabbing and putting on a new thick shirt, then pulling on a leather jacket. "That should stay in one piece!" She thought out loud, though she may be thinking of leather armor from minecraft. Upon returning to the bedroom, one thing was wrong, she couldn't see Hannah. "Shit! Hannah?!" She called out, the blanket was off  the bed, along with a few stuffed animals and a pillow. She turned to the closet, and there was a big ol wolf head poking out. 

"Made...made nest!" Hannah grabbed Sylvia's sleeve with her teeth, pulling her in the closet, "Keep Syl-Sylvia safe!" Sylvia went inside, sitting between her girlfriend's legs. Hannah sat with her back against the wall, her tail thumping against it. 

"Thank you sweetie, you're such a good girl." Sylvia gave Hannah a little kiss on her neck, which caused her to grab Sylvia tightly. "Oh my, someone got a bit excited from that~ Do you need me baby?" She asked teasingly, Hannah grabbed Sylvia's arm and put it between her thighs. "Someone's forward~ Poor baby, can't take care of yourself huh? Big sharp claws~" She cooed, petting her lover's head. Hannah hid her face with one of her big handpaws. 

Hannah whined, trying to rub herself on Sylvia's hand. "Need Sylvia.." Sylvia's heart nearly melted at that, and how could she say no to that sweet little face? She slowly starting running her fingers up Hannah's warm slit. Hannah's maw opened, revealing two rows of impossibly sharp teeth and a long, dripping tongue. A small yip and whines coming out of her as she was rubbed. "Rrrgh~ Need. Need~" 

"Shhh, it's okay. Just let me take care of you darling." Sylvia whispered, her fingers tracing circles around Hannah's clit, feeling her shake and twitch in her arms. "Good girl, such a good girl for me~" She slowly moved her middle finger down, pushing it inside. Hannah gripped her tighter, luckily she wasn't shredded due to the jacket and big shirt. "Oh dear, you really need me bad huh?"

Hannah's tail was wagging up a storm, and she shoved her snout into Sylvia's neck, her nose cold and wet against her skin. "Love...you, love Sylvia!~" She started licking her neck, her sharp teeth rubbing against Sylvia's skin.

Sylvia slowly curled her finger inside, focusing on her girlfriend's special spot. Hannah let out a loud whine when she found the right spot. Using her free hand, Sylvia scratched behind her ears. "Oh, you're such a sweet puppy, taking me so well~ You're so cute~" She couldn't help but praise her.

Hannah whined louder, as though she was trying to speak, but her transformed state and Sylvia's fingers inside her made it hard to say words.

"It's okay baby, no more thoughts~ You're just a cute, dumb puppy♡" Sylvia slowly slipped in a second finger, laying kisses on her girlfriend's snout. "Poor baby, you just want me in you forever, huh? Just full of my fingers like the dumb puppy you are?" She teased, scratching just the right spot behind Hannah's ears to cause her jaw to drop open and any thoughts to drain from her head.

"Haah~" Hannah could only make noises at this point. Her brain turned to mush as she got closer and closer to orgasm. She kept wagging her tail, tongue hanging from her mouth as she was talked at, barely processing a thing said to her.

"You close baby? You gonna make a mess of yourself?" Sylvia teased her. The big, strong werewolf a whining mess in her arms. "You gonna cum for me darling?"

Hannah tensed up, her tail going stiff and straight as she came all over Sylvia's hand, howling and moaning as her claws nearly pierced her girlfriend's jacket. She started drooling a little, letting out a low growl. "Haah~ Feel good~" She groaned, her tail wagging weakly. 

Sylvia laid a little kiss on Hannah's nose, then spread her fingers to show how wet they are. "How about you clean up your mess sweetie?" She cooed, Hannah leaning forward and licking Sylvia's fingers clean. "Good puppy, thank you baby." She cooed, scratching under Hannah's chin.

Hannah pulled Sylvia in, holding her to her chest. Sylvia snuggled into her fur, sighing contently. "You're so soft honey." She could hear Hannah's heartbeat, she nearly fell asleep it was so relaxing. 

Hannah hugged Sylvia tightly, her tail beating off the floor. "Happy..." she cooed, licking her girlfriend's neck and head. 

"I love you baby~" Sylvia said, and Hannah's tail could bore a hole in the wall with the speed it was hitting.

I'm copying this and later another story from my wattpad, if you got monster requests let me know.

[direwombat]

Also, lemme ask just for fun: Sybille x Charlie (only if you want to!)

kgjl;sdkjafd i'm assuming you're talking your charlie in her fc5 verse and not uncharted's charlie cutter (which would be a neat pairing, but not what i think you meant)

but oooooooooohhhh i really think charlie could easily get syb wrapped around her finger. i think she'd see charlie from across the bar and immediately start peacocking (hustling at pool/darts or starting an arm wrestle) because her butch instincts would activate. syb is a sucker for a pretty femme woman. all charlie would just have to bat her eyes and syb would be at her beck and call. fully whipped. but also perfectly willing and able to some brat taming when needed (because i know charlie's into that <3)

but fr. syb is a feminist but also would 100% fantasize about the classic 50's couple kind of life with charlie where she would work to support charlie in doing whatever the fuck charlie wanted to do that day. she's but a humble blue collar worker, but she would work her ass off to make sure charlie is comfortable and happy. she'd gladly become charlie's dutiful husband.

(also syb gives good head and has pretty good strap game so like...watch out john <3)

she would get a little clingy about it tho. in a "is this enough? are you happy? i provide for and protect you in a way you like, right? you're not going to leave me are you?" kind of way, so charlie would have to deal with that kind of insecurity coming from her

[cannibalkissies]

Peppermint patty, Linus, Sally and Charlie Brown for Bubba and Butch?

YIPPEE ty!!! Sorry it took me a while! I like to type these things out on my laptop ^__^

Peppermint Patty: Is your f/o clingy? Your s/i?

Bubba is sooo clingy! But not in a "gotta be by your side 24/7" kind of way; mostly in a "I'm done working! I cleaned up because I know you hate it when I'm bloody! Let's cuddle and watch programs on the tv now!" kind of way :D

Butch isn't too clingy, but he loves Bubba soooo much so he can't help but get all mushy with him.

Linus: What comfort objects do you and your f/o have from each other?

Ohhh Butch has a little doll that Bubba made for him out of some scrapped fabric and some buttons, it's a little sheep! ;u; He loves to cuddle up with it in bed when Bubba's not in a snuggly mood and sleeps in his own bed (Sometimes a guy's gotta destress and be unmasked by himself <3).

Bubba loves to hold Butch's pillow and cuddle with it whenever Butch is out getting stuff in town, working odd jobs, etc.

Charlie Brown: How do you and your f/o comfort each other when you're down?

Whenever Bubba has a meltdown, Butch tries to hold his hands so he doesn't hit himself and he says calming things to him. He pets his hair and holds his head to his chest once he's calmed down a bit.

Butch doesn't really like to show Bubba that he's upset, but Bubba can tell when he is. Bubba tries to grab Butch's attention and pet his arm or head to destress him. It usually works and he ends up more grounded than he would be trying to relax by himself.

Sally: What's you and your f/o's love languages?

Bubba's is definitely physical touch!! Butch's is quality time for sure <3

Marcie: What pet names do you call each other?

Bubba is Bubby!! (which is my f/o tag for him) And ironically Butch is "Butch"! His name is actually Jackson, but because he helps butcher some limbs here and there, his nickname is Butch to the family. Buuuuut.. I feel like Bubba would call him his little Lamb now that I think about it ;;

[ratsoh-writes]

Masterlist 19 - making stuffed animals kiss with MafiaFell, HorrorFell, HorrorSwap, Fellswap Gold, and Underlust?

Here’s the original prompt

And main 10

Butch: he rolls his eyes at your silliness, but does have a goofy grin on his face. Butch calls you childish. Then he leans in to whisper that he’ll show you a real kiss when you two get home ;).

Boss: delicious. Perfect meal. Boss has a nice dusting of red on his cheeks and he even lets out a soft chuckle. He’ll admit, you’re cute as heck right now. He does make you put the stuffed animals back, but he insists on holding your hand the rest of the shopping trip (which is gonna be all day)

Rust: he’s very red right now and grinning dopily at you. You squeak when rust leans down to give you a deep kiss for flustering him like that. He winds up buying the stuffed animals too like a sucker

Noir: he’s a little torn between thinking you’re adorable, and annoyed that you picked the child sized giraffe to represent him lol. Noir pats your head and teases you on your stuffed animal choice

Lilac: what?? No kisses for him? Lilac pretends to pout until you have both stuffed animals ‘kiss’ him on the cheek. He’ll pick up a third animal and “kiss” you back too

Basil: you hath killed him. He is dead now. Basil makes a soft wheezing noise as he blushes hard and looks anywhere but at the stuffed animals. You smirk smugly knowing your poor boyfriend is gonna be super clingy when you two get home

Charm: he laughs and says that the kisses aren’t realistic enough. Maybe you need some more from him since you obviously forgot what it’s like ;))

Sugar: he coos at how cute you’re being and will ruffle your hair along with kissing you on the cheek. Sugar would love to do more, but winnie is in the shopping cart watching. She calls you both gross. Sugar tells her she won’t be thinking that when she’s twenty.

Wine: he chuckles under his breath and tells you that you’re adorable. Wine does make you put the stuffed animals away though. They’re cute sure, but you have like a billion on your bed already

Coffee: you hear a click and see him swiftly put his phone back in his hoodie pocket. You squeak in mock horror at coffee and try to wrestle his phone away so you can delete the picture. Coffee would rather die than give up his new Lock Screen pic.

[racketballz]

I have to ask because in your head cannons buttercup is the one to initiate contact and be touchy with butch but from the show and from mth, buttercup seems like a don’t touch me kinda person, so her touching butch would that be like after they been in a relationship for a long time or is that just your head cannon

Hm okay so buttercup is definitely not as open to touch as butch is. I think that a lot of what I’ve said about like buttercup touching butch is because butch initiates it liiitttlleee first and buttercup like turns it up to about 100 because she’s touch deprived but also physical touch is her love language. (Also there’s a power dynamic between butch and buttercup where buttercup trumps him.)

But I think that the intentions and her overthinking behind her touch is why she was cautious even with her relationship with Mitch or other people. Like from the get go her intentions when touching butch was fighting right. When it comes to the people in her life theres not one person she can really beat the the shit out off just like randomly or tussle with. Either it’s her sisters, (I don’t think she’s like just randomly hitting her sisters) her boys-who are humans who will die if she simply flicks them and then theres butch. The only reason that buttercup can touch him however she wants it’s because he can take it and they understand that both ways (that’s why butch initiated the fights that they have had). Butch is someone in her life that so like estranged to her like she never met anyone like him before. So, buttercup is mean, standoffish, stubborn and touch deprived to be quite honest and on the other hand we have Butch who is clingy, annoying, persistent and (you guessed it) touch deprived. Think of this from the perspective of a fighter too! She’s not like some girl who knows how to fight lol she’s like built for this same with butch And that’s why they’re able to break down their barriers so quickly. That’s why it’s easier with him than any other guy but also that’s why from the jump it is easier for her to shake off this guilt about touch in general.

I think there’s tons of evidence from mth that butch and buttercup are more avoidant about their feelings and emotions than them being physical so that’s why it’s happening faster.

[herstarburststories]

tolerate it

Pairing: Dean Winchester x reader

Summary: your love for Dean used to be celebrated, but now he tolerates it.

A/N: here it is, hunters! First fic of the year, wow! I hope you guys like it! Based on Taylor's song tolerate it. Also requested by @ashleyygeza!

Warnings: so much angst, language, smut

There was this thing you always liked to do. It was mostly the learned behavior of a child that grew up in motel rooms. It was usual for the adult that called a bunker her home, too. You’d lay on your back, staring at the light on the ceiling and squint your eyes to the point the glimmering white light could be mistaken as the moon. You never thought you’d end up doing that to people as well.

It used to be something so sensual and sequin back then, but now the fact that he's so much older and wiser only makes you quiet. You see his bruised hands and worried glances; the stubble on his face growing as his sense of self starts to fade with borrowed time. Dean used to love you in screaming colors; now he just sits in silence reading with his head low, researching the next case under the dim light while you watch him. Sam can't seem to stand slow deaths either -- he just clears his throat and leaves the bunker with the empty excuse of a supply run. 

Still, you remain here. You stand still like a good ornament in Dean's collection of lovers. It seems like it's a matter of time until he leaves you too. Yet, you’re sitting and watching him, and you can't help but wonder if you aren't just another wrinkle on his face. You’d been a memory of something worth dying for, once, but now you were starting to believe you were just another battle scar; marred skin that had spent so long settling that he didn’t even notice the scarification anymore. 

Hours pass as quickly and emotionally draining as dry heaving. His huffs of annoyance and thirsty fingers of whiskey were difficult to ignore. The eldest Winchester doesn’t dare to approach you; to throw those dust-collecting books away and make love to you with dumbfounded grins and breathless groans like he had done so many times before. That was when you were a complete person and not just the husk of a lover destroyed. Once you held the strength of Jeanne d'Arc, now you sit and wait for a man to love you back. You’d be disgusted by your weakness if you had any pity left to spare.

If you look at someone too much you can confuse it with love. And if you already love someone and keep looking, you might waste all the rose-colored visions love could create. Maybe that's what happened to Dean. It’s a treacherous game, and it seems like he’s winning. Perhaps it’s your fault, your snide mind speculates against your will. You should try harder.

You don’t miss Dean’s hidden sigh of relief when the door makes a noise, announcing Sam’s return. How could you? You notice everything he does or doesn't do. At first, you fantasized that, even if it started getting messy before, he was pushing you away because of the whole fighting God problem, now you aren’t so sure. The clues were all over the place when Chuck was gone. Dean smiled at Sammy as if there was no tomorrow and said we’re finally free without sparing a glance at you. When they-- when he started building other worlds, where were you? That long-fraught, battle-ridden past of the Winchesters might be gone, but the more you try to turn the page, the more they stick to each other.

‘’Sammy,” his gruff voice says. It is the first word in hours that wasn’t half-hearted mumbles agreeing with your occasional comments or the tuneful hum of a classic rock song between reading and drinking. ‘’Did you bring any bacon?’’

‘’Yeah, but they need cooking--’’ Sam interrupts his brother, already familiar with this conversation. Dean’s half-open mouth and wiggling brows meant one thing. He was such a kid sometimes. ‘’And no. I’m not frying this cardiac embolism waiting to happen for you, dude.’’

You get up, aiming a smile at the long-haired hunter. ‘’Don’t worry, I can cook it. I was gonna make some pasta anyway.’’

Sam slightly nods before tilting his head towards you. ‘’You sure?’’

‘’Yeah. My butt’s already sore from the research. Those chairs aren’t that comfortable.’’ You scrunched up your nose with a good-humored grimace. 

‘’Okay, thanks.’’ You nod, throwing a last glance at Dean, who barely moved since you got in the conversation. You turn around, walking to the kitchen when Sam’s voice reverberated through. Deciding to overhear against all your sense of privacy, like a schoolgirl in the bathroom, you lean against the wall. You can’t believe the point you got to at those moments, but the answer to the question Sam asks may be the solution for your personal tophet. ‘’What’s up with you?’’

Dean doesn’t seem phased by his brother’s prodding. ‘’What do you mean?’’

Sam arches his eyebrows. ‘’No butt jokes?’’

At least you aren’t going crazy here. Even Sammy noticed something peculiar about Dean and you. There had to be an explanation or reason.; something broken that you could fix.

‘’I’m a grown-ass man, Sam.’’ He scoffs as you heard the chair being pushed. You nibble on your bottom lip, catching your breath as they continue.

‘’Yeah, sure,” the younger man snaps sarcastically. Dean rolls his eyes. ‘’Actually researching when I leave you two alone? Come on, Dean. Did you guys argue or something?’’

‘’We are just fine.’’ His boots scuffing against the wood floor makes a well-known melody, just like Sam’s loud sigh. You know him; he thinks this his brother’s way to avoid the subject and run away. You can’t say you don’t agree with that.

‘’Dean…’’

“I’m gonna take a shower. I spent two hours reading. I gotta get ready for my bacon.’’ It is a simple answer that made your heart spin like a girl in a brand new dress. You had the sudden realization that at least he spent those hours with you, right? Deadly in his quietude, but he was there. Women always are excellent at convincing themselves that crumbs are a whole meal. Therefore, convince yourself this is enough.

You hear the creaking under his strong, heavy steps as he leaves, and a couple more from Sam as well. Ultimately, you turn around, clapping your hands together as you glare at the food still waiting to be made. You give yourself a comforting smile as you speak: ‘’Time to get to work.’’

Then you go. You pace around the kitchen, preparing the lunch with everything you have. Make it perfect, make it delicious. Fuck, even make it deluxe with pre-made bacon and vegan pasta on a Tuesday afternoon. It’s so silly how you make such a lavish effort with the smallest things only to maybe catch a glimpse of his attention. As if Dean would see, truly look at you again. You gave him the best you had, and when you ran out of that, you gave him what was left too. 

The pasta is smelling good. You two used to be each other's better halves, but since the coin had been tossed, you are now each other’s worst reflections. He’s your coldness; the gelid nature that was so useful as a weapon to hurt those who came before him. The ignorance, the lack of care for the ones who claimed to cherish you with their ripped out chests and open hands. You can see you in the way he moved, told white lies and walked away. All the most brutal aspects that your soul built through the years. You almost burn your hand, but at least it isn’t his bacon. And in you, you hold all Dean hated in himself lately. The clingy behavior, always urging to serve and make someone else happy. So needy for a gentle touch, one single proof that his lurking was wrong and he was worthy, that he could be loved someday if he just tried hard enough. Desperate in earge for aprovation, just like you grabbing the Men Of Letters’ sumptuous tapestry and the elegant candle holder, laying the table with the fancy shit.

‘’Wow.’’ Sam says once he arrives in the dining room. Dean refrains his reaction to arching his eyebrows in an unspoken question: what the fuck is happening there?

‘’Is the queen visiting us or somethin’?’’ You catch the pissed off glare that Sammy gives him, yet the older Winchester just shrugs. His little brother had the same eyes as him in many aspects, he had to agree that all those snobby objects were too much.

Unbothered, too used to his butch nature, you chortle. ‘’I just thought we deserved some nice things tonight.’’

Dean hums before adding: ‘’As long as there’s bacon.’’

Sam praises how good the sauce you made tastes. Of course, Dean just nods and agrees with a grumble, not even taking a second glance at you. He doesn’t notice that you are watching him, neither does he compliment your cooking. You never get the reaction you expect from him. Not a thank you, or a true smile, or even a drop of love in the saliva of his kiss, but you keep trying. Just like he tried to make daddy proud for so long. You both should know that's not how it works, but who can argue with a broken child mosaic in an adult damaged heart?

The green eyed man purposely sets the scene in a manner that his brother would be between the two of you. And yes, you manage to double cross this signal and sit down on another chair by his side. Although, when your elbows accidently meet during the homemade feast, Dean doesn’t look at you with the lopsided grin that you love so much. He doesn’t lean in to steal a kiss. Instead, he moves to the side discreetly. You were the roots of hope once, the one who could grow inside him and wrap around his organs for some relief of the hematoma and blood. The Winchester held the arm that pulled you closer and made sure you would stay. But he no longer touches you and the plants died of thirst and you are still here. In these moments, your trick mind asks: why are you still here? You can’t answer.

The lunch goes by filled with your and Sam’s chatter, Dean’s loud chewing and Miracle’s ocasional barks until there’s no food or reasoning to postpone staying together. All the three of you raise up, adamantly ignoring the strange atmosphere. 

‘’We’re leaving in an hour.’’ It’s all Dean says before leaving the room. Sammy dares to squeeze your shoulder softly before following his older brother’s path. With a suspire, you collect all the plates and lead to the kitchen again, starting to put the 60 minutes to good use. Polish plates until they gleam and glisten, maybe Dean will sneak in and wrap his arms around you, press a kiss to your neck and tell you to go to bed, that he will take care of the dishes. He used to do that. This was then and this is now. It’s easy to get lost in the tangles of time.

Of course he doesn’t. Though the hunter shows up with a bag and shouts from the living room for you to hurry up, so you do. Sleeping in the backseat of Baby through the streets of the United States, you wake up with Sam gently shaking your shoulder. Dean is already inside the restaurant. You try not to think too much about it, he could’ve been needing to hit the bathroom or something. As you and the youngest Winchester enter the establishment, four trained eyes fall on your boyfriend and the waitress, who’s clearly leaning forward to make her cleavage more evident. You two pace towards the table just in time to hear the end of their conversation. 

‘’Call me if you need anything.’’ The name tag says that the brunette is called Andressa. She's tall, tan and beautiful, smiling in a way that you never can never conquer. You miss having that confidence, how you’d walk in a room and be sure people would stop and stare. Remember when you used to be like that?

‘’Betcha.’’ He gives her a lopsided grin, the one that used to be directed to you. Andressa winks at him and leaves, swapping her hips in the most seductive way, which catches Dean's eyes like it's the whole Aurora Boreal and not just a woman's ass.

‘’Nice shirt, yeah?’’ You take his indiscretions all in good fun. Dean, though, takes a deep breath and wipes his face, as if he's the one with the right to be annoyed in this situation. It's so stupid how you keep making yourself smaller to fit in whatever expection is comfortable for him. At some point you'll disappear-- but hey, no body no crime. You attempted to explain yourself, ‘’I was just kidding.’’

He tightens his mouth into a thin line. ‘’I know.’’

‘’I saw one on Shein.’’

‘’Come on, Y/N.’’ The green eyed hunter scoffed. ‘’That’s like, Belladonna’s boobs sort of thing.’’

It’s so stupid how his opinons can change your whole weekend, as if your emotions were some sort of board game that Dean played by his own rules. You hang your head low, playing with the menu. You can ‘’Yeah, you’re right. It was dumb.’’

‘’That’s not what I---’’ He stopped himself with a deep inhale. Why did it seem easier for him to criticize than compliment you? You are using your best colors for his portrait of stares, yet all you gain are vacant side eyes. That man killed for you, and now every second by your side seemed to be murdering him. ‘’You’d look good on it.’’

You decide not to go on the next hunt, give both of you a break from the grey skies that always seem to suppress you and Dean. What if you two just need time apart? You live together, work together, and even have the same group of friends. Putting the whole monsters and multiple deaths aside, it was pretty much like a normal relationship. You must just need some time alone to miss each other. So you start going on less and less hunts. God, past you’d hate that scared little girl act, begging to be seen like a shiny toy.

Your cell phone buzzes, causing a smile besides the burning anticipation building up in your veins, crawling under your skin like a million little stars, or bugs. It depends on how you choose the perspective, no surprise you’d go for the romantic one. Well, it's a text from Dean. Plaid and crude: getting home in ten minutes. Why’d you be unpleasantly anxious about that? He’s your boyfriend and he’s coming home after a week! Your fingers dance around the keyboard before answering a sweet waiting for you, with a couple hearts in the byline.

You get his favorite burger and a whiskey older than you in the Deancave, which is settled up with a three hours marathon of Scooby-Doo. It was always so adorable when Dean and you made bets to see who’d guess the episode villain first. Even his hot dog pants and his robe are on the armchair. As for you, you are waiting by the door like you’re just a kid, in a vat to greet him with a battle’s hero welcome. One, two, three, minutes piling up as uncountable as the hidden tears that you cry each week in after the city’s asleep. Let’s be fair, you should’ve seen this coming from a mile away. What was the last time Dean accomplished something he promised to you? He doesn’t even reply to your text message asking if he was okay. Minutes trapped into hours, and you’re sitting with your back to the wall, right next to the door he should have burst out long ago. Time’s ticking, your mind is so tired and your body is sore; it’s exhausting to love someone like this, so you take a rest when sleep wins your hopeful, unclever thoughts.

Dean arrives one hour later, an oral scarlet letter on his tongue that tastes like beer and unregrettable priorities, an apologist expression accompanied of a very grumpy-ish Sam as the door is pushed open. The short haired hunter purses his plump lips at the sad sight; you sleeping on the floor next to the door, probably waiting for him. Maybe he should've answered your text earlier and not just rolled his eyes and ordered another drink. What a suburban mistake for a Winchester.

Dean doesn't turn around to face Sammy; his brother made his opinion on that matter very clear during their roadtrip. Instead, his aching body just leans in and picks you up bridal style — that would've made him smile in the gentlest way his blood-stained mouth and sharp teeth could, eye dipping with joy and a silent promise for the future, but now that only gets a stoic expression as he walks towards your shared room. 

He dares to sigh. There you go, taking too much space and time. This might be a deceiving concept dappled with melancholic nostalgia, but to take space and time wasn’t a trouble before. Dean once worshiped the light-hearted emotion you could bring out his inner little monster - or his soul, whatever you wanna name it. The time wrapped around your finger as he was, and things were just good. Raw good. Yet, now he sees it; time’s always running, and so is him. It’s no surprise the heart he was holding fell and was left behind at some point of the race.

The hunter bumps on the door with his shoulder, leading inside the bedroom and placing you on the mattress. Your body can’t help but to cling to him as you mumble in your sleep; maybe it’s your fond memory, used to Dean’s body seeking some human contact only in the middle night.

Clicking his tongue, he pulls away. The movement is docile, just enough to wake you up. Dean can’t help but to groan at this.

‘’You came back.’’ You murmur, while Dean adjusts on the spot next to you in bed.

Arching his eyebrows with some comedic background, he answers: ‘’Of course I did. I live here.’’

Live. You wouldn’t call what he does living. More like a ghost hunting his old house when you are around. Or maybe you were the ghost and sure, most people would run away from it, but Dean always goes looking for the supernatural beings anyway. Unnerving that he’d make someone he loved out of one.

‘’Why didn’t you pick up the phone? I was worried.’’

He shrugs and kisses your hand. ‘’Was busy.’’

It’s a poor excuse, but those are all that have been holding you two together lately.

Here it is. Your inner anger for being treated wrong, the mad woman inside you scratching to come back. He has been treating you like a coat in Texas’ summer, like a stained flannel, like a forgotten feeling. You deserve more than this. You are so much more than this. Who he thinks he is?

But he has those green eyes that cried single man tears, and he’s so close you can feel his breath on your cheek. And you love that man so.

Instead, you smile and reach out for his hand. ‘’I missed you.’’

Dean doesn’t answer. He restricts any emotion to a grin, and suddenly you are under him. He pushes his lips against yours in a desperate act of recovery, to gain back what he somehow lost through the way. The green eyed man might not find his love in you, but there’s something else he can work with; luxury. Love was always harder to spell than lust anyway. To you, the way he howls against your lips is love. To him, it’s the confirmation of the absence of it. But he can’t let go.

Your hands and his, still together coaxing each other into giving in. It’s so easy that way. Dean rushes to rip your t-shirt, gaining a laugh out of your and a kiss to his jaw. He’s out of his pants before you can even pull away to assist him. The male catches your earlobe, kissing that sweet spot to make you whimper his name.

‘’Dean.’’

Your wince, his shirt is tossed away, just like your skirt. You aren’t wearing a bra, and quickly your cherry panties are pulled apart with a simple move of his finger.

‘’Gonna make you feel so good, babe.’’ His index finger is shoved inside your tight cunt. You throw your head to the back, spreading your legs open. You want to beg him to make you feel anything good, for him to be the reason of the holy and not hollow, just this once. ‘’You are so wet--’’ Another finger, they move inside of you in an attempt to find the right spot. ‘’So fucking tight for me. I’ve fucked you so many times and you’re still so tight.’’ Dean’s thumb caressed your clit as he licked his lips, relishing how you squirm and whine his name. What a good girl. ‘’Can’t wait to fuck you.’’

It doesn’t take much longer. The eldest Winchester quickly replaced his skilled fingers with his pulsating cock. His member begged to be inside you, squeezed by those warm and tight walls. Your pussy was always so good for him, taking him so nice. Dean moans at the sensation, his hand losing yours to hold the bedpost, his thrusting wildly against yours.

No more praising words, no more foreplay. He comes to get what he wants and you’re willing to give. He used to touch you like a priceless wine, now his hands are hustled and careless like you are just another bottle of cheap beer. Dean fucks himself into you and you can’t do anything but groan in pleasure. Sometimes the hurting can be delicious, too.

You crave more, though. Your hands, tiny compared to his, meet Dean’s back, nails digging into the bare skin in a reminder I’m here, you’re still mine. Your legs wrapped around his torso, which only caused his moves to go faster and more ferocious, destroying your needy cunt for any other. It feels so good to have him inside you, fucking you up to the point you are an inchorent ball of cum and sweat. He’s gonna get you there, it’s certain, Dean always does.

His thumb comes back to your vagina, digital press to your clit as he attacks your neck. You try to move your head and get those plump lips against yours, but he sounds like an animal, increasing his rhymin and sucking your tender skin.

Everything is so hurried and irrational and not intimate. He comes inside of you after your own release, marking you up with his orgasm. As soon as he’s dones, he crawls out of you and lays on his back. Sure, you come around and rest your weary head on his chest, but that’s what it is. Deep silence. Not the one where love or magic or whatever Aphrodite is made of fills the void and makes the lovers comfortable. No, this one is visceral, like a chuckle empty of joy. It’s like the tie of gold that tried you two were tangled and ripped. Your love should be celebrated, but he tolerates it. He tolerates everything you do. He tolerates your presence. 

The wrath sneaks in smoothly and astute. You aren’t just one night stand or a sweetheart. How can Dean act like you are? You lift your head and watch him breathing with his eyes closed. It’s so brutal, emotionally violent how you are aware that he’s only doing that not to have pillow talk. Where’s that man who’d throw blankets over your barbed wire? Easily misplaced by the one who threw your boundaries away and out the trap there nowadays. You made him your temple, you mural, your sky, now you’re begging for footnotes in the story of his life.

In the rare cracks of lucidity, you picture what would happen if you did what your old, better self would do. Dean appears to assume you are fine, but what would he do if you break free and leave you two in ruins, took this dagger in you and removed it, gain the weight of you then lose it? He was so comfortable with you. Maybe he didn’t think you would ever do that, but there’s just so much a woman with your determination and cleaverity can take. Believe, I could do it. You did it before with others. Sometimes you need to leave to breathe. Perhaps it's time. 

But then, he embraces you. Just like that, all your doubts and fears and bruises caused by his kisses are reduced to paranoia. You decide maybe you got it wrong somehow. Not even blinking at the thought that Dean enjoys cuddles. No, he’s pulling you closer and snucking his nose into your hair because he loves you. Convince yourself. You are majestic with lies, it gets surprisingly facile to tell them when you nuzzle into the Winchester’s neck like his smell is some sort of placebo.  

You aren't tiptoeing around it, or even stepping on the doubts with tiny hoaxes. You are barefoot on his love-- but his love feels a lot like walking through a street of fire and thorns. But hey, isn't that the point of devotion? To put something, someone first? To go through any suffering and starve to get to the prize, to walk through the golden gates? If this was a church, the priest would tell you to get on your knees and pray harder. You can see where he’s going. You’ll do better. Be everything Dean needs. You can be worthy-- you are worthy. You were his everything once and you can be that again. Pick up the soul tapestry he shrewd so unintentionally and patch it up. Most of those things must be in your head anyway, and if they aren't… Well. He will love you that deeply again, right? Right? It’s an echo. Right.

Tomorrow you’ll try again. In the name of love, condepedency, or whatever it is. Sit and watch him.

Comment & reblog. Feedback is magic! Check my masterlist ♡ Tags in reblog!

[over-under-through1]

greens headcannons greens headcannons greens headcannons greens headcannon-

Anon, thank you you’ve finally given me an excuse to make this post

HERE WE GO

Butch is BC’s bitch. there, i said it. this boy is BEYOND whipped

BC is so protective of Butch and if anyone (this includes his brothers, yes BC has told Brick off for being too much of a dick to Butch) fuck with him she’ll mess them up

Butch steals things from Buttercups bag in class until she notices cause he wants her attention likes to annoy her

before they get together Butch gets weirdly jealous when BC calls either of his brothers hot, but he doesn’t understand why (yes he does he’s just too much of a coward to admit he likes her)

Butch can rap, Buttercup dies whenever she hears it but tries to contain herself

BC is more dominate in the relationship than Butch

Buttercup once convinced Butch she could speak Italian by speaking pig latin around him and she got all of their friends and family in on the joke so now Butch just thinks she knows Italian

Butch’s nicknames for BC are Butters, Cuppy, Fire cracker, Tic tac, and Freddy Krueger. there is a story behind every single one of those names that i may share one day

Buttercup’s nicknames for Butch are Dumbass, Jack ass, Butchy Boy, Alien head, Asswipe, Spike, and Bitch. Butch will respond with no hesitation to any of the above, but if anyone else calls him those he will *intense Butch glare* at them until they feel threatened and/or uncomfortable

in my AU the Powerpuff Girls (and Rowdyruff Boys because they joined their team, thanks) have like... a fan base. i mean, how could they not? they’re famous monster fighters. so, said fan base makes art of them. and a token shirt BC wears in most of this art is the “Nut daddy” shirt. she got so much fan art of this that Butch ended up commissioning Bubbles into making it into a real shirt and gave it to Buttercup as a gag gift. she loved it. like a lot.

this fan base also makes fan fictions because once again, they’re famous so like... it’s a given. Butch indulges in reader x Buttercup fics and refreshes the Buttercup Utonium/Butch tag on AO3 at least 4 times a day

Buttercup sits on Butches lap

they’re super straight forward with their feelings, resulting in barley any fights, but when they do fight they give each other space for the day and meet up at the end to apologize. 9 times out of 10 they’ve cooled down and forgiven each other

their dates are just sitting on the couch or Buttercup’s bed watching B rated horror films, or sparring sessions

when they get together they never actually say it out loud or tell anyone, they just let people figure it out for themselves (it’s not that it’s a secret, they just don’t care about what others think of it enough to actually make an announcement). this creates a townsville betting pool surrounding the status of their relationship

the only people who know for sure are their siblings, Mitch, Mike, Robin, and Pablo but they keep their mouths shut because A.its super funny watching all of townsville freak out and B.they know it’s not their place to tell

Butch is very clingy and likes to be touching BC at all times in any way, even if it’s small. most of the time it’s subtle but if you look very carefully you can spot Butches finger sneaking its way into the sleeve of Buttercup’s hoodie

Butch and Buttercup know each other so well that they can basically read each other’s minds. yup. i’ll die on this hill, you can rip this headcannon from my cold lifeless hands

okay fine i’ll expand on it. they can’t literally read each other’s minds, they can just read each other’s facial expressions really well. Buttercup’s eyebrow raises slightly? she’s intrigued by what someone said/did. Butch’s lip twitched? he’s pissed off, time to cool down the irritable green rowdy. and so on and so fourth

i’ve said this a lot to basically everyone i know so i’ll say it again here: when they first say “I love you” they literally don’t even notice. it’s on the way out of the apartment they share as they’re about to go to class and one of them, halfway out the door, says “okay bye love you” and the other just replies “love you too see ya”. they don’t realize they said it until 3 hours later in the middle of (separate) class(es), where their heads bolt up then they just go “oh my god i- huh. okay. cool. well anyways back to school”

CHILDREN HAHAHAHA THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE HEADCANNONS

Butch and Buttercup avoid the whole “b name” thing like the plauge. they purposely don’t name any of their kids (they have three if you’re wondering) b names. but in the process of avoiding it, they get so distracted with what NOT to name their kids that they don’t even notice when they accidentally give them all J names. Bubbles and Boomer point it out while Butch and Buttercup are in the middle of making fun of them for naming their own kids all B names. this causes Butch and Buttercup to freeze then blow up, threatening to go to city hall and change their kids names

they’re the type of parents to curse around their children and Bubbles hates it

she’s outraged when their first born’s first word is shit. Buttercup and Butch just scream-laugh while the reds are in the back quietly chuckling as Boomer tries to calm down his seething wife

this was fun! thanks for the ask, maybe i’ll do the reds and blues in the future (also sorry if some of these seem off, it’s 2am over here and i’m tired)

[just-give-me-half-a-cup]

Newsies Pride Pt.2

So this one is going to focus more on individual people, and their sexualities, enjoy :)

Jack

So this boy is bi

And he is so proud of it

Like he would just walk up to random people on the street and tell them if Davey wasn't so embarrassed by it

It is pretty much one of the first things he says when making friends

He also has so many flags, because he feels the need to get another one every single year

Jack discovered his sexuality when he was like thirteen

He was told by loads of people he was too young to know

But Jack didn't listen to them, he did know, and idiots weren't going to stop him loving people

Medda was always super supportive and took him to his first pride aged fourteen

She painted his face for him the first year

After that he did it himself, levelling up in extraness? each year

He loves pride so much, and wants all of his friends to enjoy it as much as he does

Crutchie

Okay so Crutchie is asexual

He was super embarrassed at first, as he didn't know anyone else that felt that way

He met a few people online who understood him, and that changed his life so much

He is pretty open about it, and helps a load of people understand themselves

Including Davey, which is their secret

He's also biromantic

This is something he's known for ages

He just loves people, and has always loved men and women in the same way

Crutchie didn't go to pride until he was nineteen

Jack dragged him along, painting some little hearts in the ace colours on his cheek

He's not a big flag guy, just has a little one on a stick

And he met his now best friend, so pride is even more special for him now

Davey

Davey is also asexual

Crutchie helped him accept that part of himself

He's still a little insecure sometimes, but that's mainly his anxiety

He's also gay

Something he pegged pretty late

He always thought it was being busy with school that meant he was never interested in girls

Nope, turns out he likes boys

He told Sarah straight away, after he and Jack had got together

She is super supportive of him, Les is too

Davey and Sarah went to their first pride aged seventeen

Both covered head to toe in glitter and stuff showing their sexuality

It's surprisingly the one place he doesn't feel anxious, despite the whole event being based around loads of his anxieties

He just feels happy to be himself, and feel so accepted

Katherine

Also very bisexual

And proud of it

She has loads of little pin badges and bracelets

Because they make her happy

And even if it's tiny she always has something on her, because it's such a big part of who she is

Kath is head over heels in love with Sarah, who is her first relationship with a female

Like can't form a coherent sentence kind of in love

They went to Kath's first pride together

When she was nineteen and Kath absolutely loved it

She felt like she'd found her people, and now goes to every celebration she can find near her

Kath comes home with a million and one stickers that go on a wall by her pride flag

It's a really big flag, and she loves it

Sarah

A lesbian

And always has been

Never had any interest in boys, mainly because she played with them and always saw them in friend terms

A tomboy kind of kid, stole Davey's clothes all the time

Still does

Definitely gives off more butch lesbian vibes

Because damn this girl can and will fight

Taking Davey to pride is one of the highlights of her life

That and meeting Kath

She took one look at the idiot stumbling over her words, and was like 'yes, I want that one'

The flirty type, and very good at it

Every pride she is always decked out, because it's part of the experience

She also collects stickers on her body because she can

Race

Genderqueer

Prefers they/them pronouns

But doesn't really care about it if people don't call him by his preferred pronouns, he has no real attachment to them

Loves skirts and dresses, and is super talented at make up

Let's be real they are the definition of a gay twink, but is actually pansexual

More towards men, but has yet to rule anyone out

It took them a while to figure themselves out, but they knew from a young age being a man was not it

They worked it out at seventeen, and the sexuality came quickly after

Goes full out for pride, has both their flags on them somewhere, with paint on any visible part of their body

Their first one was aged eighteen, Jack brought him, introducing him to Spot

Race is very in love with Spot, and was super clingy when they got together

Spot makes pride even more special for them

Albert

Gay

Like very very gay

He's been out since he was ten, because he knew

Albert loves wearing rainbows, and will talk to anyone that will let him about why

He went to his first pride aged twelve with his older brother, who was reluctant to take him

It was where he met Jack and Medda, who took him along with them the following year

Albert almost cried when Jack painted his face because he was so happy

He'd been so gutted without all the glitter and paint the year before, so it made the day even more special

Has a pair of rainbow laces, and only uses them, even if it means he has to relace his trainers

He met Elmer when he was eighteen, and immediately fell

So soft when in a relationship, would do absolutely anything for his partner

Elmer is no exception, and regularly wakes up to a romantic surprise

Spot

He's gay

But was brought up in an abusive, toxic and homophobic household

It took him a long time to accept himself

Living with Jack and Medda helped him to not hate that part of himself

And he finally let Jack take him to pride aged twenty

He wore a rainbow vest top, and refused all the paint and glitter

That changed when he met Race

Race helped him fully accept himself, and the second year was so different

He threw himself into the event, and his and Race's apartment became the place to be

Flags line the walls, because Race can't stop himself from buying them, and Spot loves it

He provides paint and glitter and flags for everyone, because he knows what it's like to not accept yourself, and wants to make sure none of his friends ever feel like that

Because Spot is so soft, eventhough he tries to cover it well

Here's the first eight, so because this post is quite long already, look out for part three soon

[hereisisa]

I’ve reading a lot about queer coding lately and I’ve found this beatiful dissertation written by Leila Matte-Kaci:

“Thawing the snow queer: queer readings of Frozen’s Elsa”

It’s obviosly about Elsa of Frozen and queer coding.

You can read it there, (and trust me it’s worth reading), but if you don’t have time I’ve made a recap of the strictly-Elsa facts here. All credit goes to Leila Matte-Kaci.

First things first. What is the “queer reading”?

Queer reading: “a way of understanding a text without heteronormative assumptions”.

The queer reading of Frozen will tell us Queen Elsa is a lesbian, and here’s why.

1. She’s a Monster 2. She’s a Femme 3. She’s victim of queer melancholy (longing for acceptance) 4. Her “coming out” story 5. Her looks and sexual awakening 6. Anna.

Now let’s analyze every statement.

Elsa is a monster

 She is a witch.

More specifically, she is understood to be a witch as the dialogue makes clear: “Sorcery!” - “a wicked sorceress”. In being named so, Elsa “is therefore connected to centuries-long Western cultural associations between witchcraft and lesbianism” (Doty, 2000, p.59).

Consequently, the witch having been especially associated with the image of the lesbian, Elsa’s link to the character type further reinforces the connection between her monstrosity and queerness.

Like the monster, Elsa’s powers are also understood to be dangerous and wrong, and something which she must keep hidden.

The lyrics “Conceal, don’t feel, put on a show, - Make one wrong move and everyone will know” express what Elsa has learned to do from her father.

From childhood,  she was taught to fear and hate herself by her parents who believed her to be a danger to their family and their kingdom. Therefore, Elsa is taught that what makes her different (her powers/monstrosity) must be regarded as a shameful secret, in the same way that queer desires have often been viewed.

She stands against the heterosexual marriage.

The reveal of her powers happens just as Elsa refuses to give her blessing to her sister’s marriage.

Anna falls in love with Prince Hans, the two quickly decide that they want to marry. Elsa, presumably the legal guardian of her younger sister as they are both orphans, disapproves of the match and refuses to give her blessing. In the ensuing fight between Anna and Elsa, the latter’s magical powers are revealed. Elsa’s opposition to Anna’s romance with her prince exposes her “villainy” to the world and leads to everyone labeling her a monster. Just like the monster and the traditional fairytale villain, by standing against the heterosexual marriage of the heroes, Elsa opposes the heteronormative order and becomes dangerous.

Her desire to keep her sister from becoming the possession of the stereotypical hero shows her to be a witch. Therefore, the narrative links Elsa’s monstrosity (her powers) with an opposition to the heteronormative order, further reinforcing the connection between Elsa’s witch-like powers and queerness.  

If this was not made clear enough, the film continues to drive home that point as Elsa tries to escape the walls of her castle. Coming face to face with groups of parents with their children (the nuclear family, a symbol of the heteronormative order), she finds that they all recoil from her when faced with her powers.

The nuclear family here sees her as a threat and is frightened by her monstrosity. Therefore, Elsa not only threatens heterosexual romances (Hans and Anna), she threatens the existence of the “traditional family.” Elsa is perceived as a threat to the heteronormative order as she stands in the way of heterosexuality and the nuclear family.

Much like the monstrous queer, Elsa is terrifying to these parents and their children because her powers (her queerness) are a direct threat to their existence.

Frozen therefore, like many other monster films, associates the supernatural with queerness in a way that could be very problematic as it reinforces the idea that heterosexuality is “normal,” while queerness is “abnormal,” even monstrous.

However, the movie does in some way lead its viewers to question this divide. Elsa is labelled a monster by the other characters, but she appears sympathetic to the viewers. She is the one with which we are meant to empathise, and at the end of the story, we are meant to rejoice in her self-acceptance.

In other words, Elsa does appear to us to be different but not monstrous. Instead, many of the so-called “normal” characters, the very same ones who have labelled her a threat, are the ones who take on a monstrous guise. Their hatred and bigotry render them awful and terrifying.

She’s a “Femme”

In the first lesbian movies or movies with lesbians characters they were coded as butch or femme. I’m not gonna waste time explaining what’s a butch and what’s a femme assuming you all know, but the “lesbian femme in movies” were sexy lesbian vampires.

The lesbian vampire who is described by cultural historian and film maker Andrea Weiss (1993) as follows: “she has long hair, large breasts, pale white skin, and wears floor length, translucent dresses”

Does this ring a bell?

As she accepts her powers, Elsa’s appearance changes; she lets down her long hair, her dress becomes translucent ice, and more of her white skin is displayed, especially her neck and upper torso. So, while her sexuality does not become as predatory as that of the lesbian vampire, her clingy dress, exposed skin, and the more sensual way she has of moving certainly appear to link Elsa’s ice powers with her sexuality and femininity. Just like the lesbian vampire, Elsa is coded as a sexual feminine woman, and this coding is associated with people’s fear of her supernatural powers.

When empowered, Elsa’s appearance becomes softer and girlish.

Moreover, Elsa has the capacity to create life out of snow and ice, giving life to both the snowman Olaf and a violent bodyguard nicknamed “Marshmallow.”

It is interesting to note that while she created a snowman as a child, that one remained inanimate. Her lifegiving powers only seem to manifest themselves after she reaches maturity; linking her birth-giving magic to puberty. Her powers then include giving birth, but they do not require a heterosexual coupling.

However, her powers are also that of creating an eternal winter. She spreads snow and ice everywhere.

Interestingly, the knights who come to defeat her do not do so armed with fire, which one might expect given that they are fighting an ice wielding witch; instead, they come armed with small arrows, swords, and spears, battling one phallic symbol with another.

The scene then seems to indicate that the knights are fighting to reassert their masculinity over Elsa, battling their small arrows against her large icicles. In fact, this image of her danger to men’s masculinity is given more attention when Olaf, while discussing Elsa, inadvertently walks into an icicle and remarks casually “Yes, I bet she’s the nicest, gentlest, warmest person ever. Oh, look at that… I’ve been impaled”.

However, in this scene, the icicles never threaten Anna. They never touch her, only the male characters are threatened by them. These phallic symbols clearly only challenge the masculinity of the male characters, Elsa opposes images of soft femininity and violent penetration, making her a threat to masculinity even if that threat is mostly a by-product of male fear.

The vampire’s love.

Anna is twice relegated to the role of damsel-in-distress. It can be seen first at the beginning of the film, when her sister accidentally hits her on the head with her ice power, and again at the end of the movie, when Elsa again inadvertently hits her (seemingly fatally). We’ll obviously find out later how badass Anna is. 😉

With Elsa and Anna Frozen is offering us something closer to the relationship between the lesbian vampire and her lover/victim than to the traditional fairy tale; a supernatural and feminine creature who loves the naïve heroine yet cannot help but hurt her as is her nature.

The narrative of the lesbian vampire film centers on the villain and the hero’s desire to possess the heroine as they both fight for ownership of her. Comparatively, Elsa and Hans do not fight over the possession of  Anna (Elsa does not hold romantic feelings for her sibling); however, as previously  stated, Elsa’s powers are revealed to the world because of a fight she has with Anna over  the latter’s decision to marry Prince Hans.

It is then her opposition to  the traditional heterosexual fairy tale marriage which starts the initial conflict. Just like the lesbian vampire, Elsa is keeping Anna from the masculine hero, albeit not by kidnapping her, but by standing in the way of her marriage.

Elsa is doubly dangerous.

She is a danger because she is a supernatural creature and because she opposes the heteronormative order.

Here comes the twist tho. Hans is the villain and Elsa’s choice to oppose the match is no longer the sign of her monstrosity but the wise decision of a loving sibling. Standing in the way of a heterosexual romance becomes morally coded as good, while Hans’ rescue of Anna becomes bad. The story of the queer woman being vanquished (the lesbian vampire of the movies) by the heterosexual man is reversed from the story of  the triumph of heteronormativity to one of triumph over heteronormativity.

The Queer Melancholy

“The queer melancholy (longing  for acceptance)” and feminist trauma (narrative centered around the fear/danger of girl  empowerment) that Brave’s Merida, Maleficent’s heroine of the same name, and Frozen’s Elsa all share.

The “coming out” story

Love Is an Open Door: Closet Metaphors in Frozen

Images of doors are more important to the film’s visual motif.

The story of Elsa is the story of a young woman kept hidden behind a door. The film is littered with images of open and closed doors. Moreover, the text keeps on pointing to their opening or closing as meaningful events. Clearly, doors and their opening or closing are central to the narrative.

This motif is especially  interesting when we look at how it resembles a familiar metaphor for one important queer experience, that of “coming-out” of the closet. 

Come Out the Door: Elsa’s Opening of the Closet Gates

As the king explains, off camera, his plan to isolate his daughter, we are treated to a visual sequence of the castle servants closing the gates, doors, and windows of the palace, before seeing Elsa walk to her room and close her door on Anna. The shadows around the door of her room then look something like the bars of a prison.

This is the first use of the imagery which will come to dominate Elsa’s storyline. This divide between closed/opened, in/out, silence/speech, secrecy/disclosure, alone/together, and private/public will make its way throughout the narrative. These divides are themselves part of the “coming-out” story, which serves to make Elsa’s tale very much queer. 

Elsa is forced to hide. Moreover, as she grows, she is taught that what makes her different is wrong, something she must learn to hide: “Conceal it, don’t feel it, don’t let it show”

But the older she gets, the harder it becomes for her to hide, and as puberty approaches, Elsa’s powers only become stronger.

The film reinforces this idea both through the text (“It’s getting  stronger”) and through its images. Elsa becomes increasingly enclosed as she grows. Her limited access to the outside world is a window, which she cannot touch without covering it in ice. As she approaches puberty, she can no longer  touch people without fear of hurting them. Finally, by the time she is a teenager and grieving her parents, Elsa is shown huddled in a ball, surrounded by a cold blue light, snowflakes floating in the air.

Her body has here become its own prison.

The anxiety about concealing this part of the self might be coupled with feelings of loneliness as one cannot share or reveal  oneself with anyone. Indeed, this may sound familiar to many queer youths who often  report feelings of isolation. Moreover, these people are at an increase risk of depression and suicide compared to non-queer.

Remember “Monster” where Elsa is contemplating suicide?

But let’s back to the doors.

Imagery of doors continues as we learn that on the day of the Elsa’s coronation, the gates of the castle will be opened, an event that we are to understand is exceptional.

“For the First Time in Forever”

Anna links the opening of the gates with romance. Anna is bathed in light, singing from an open window and later from outside the castle.

Meanwhile, Elsa sings about the importance of keeping herself hidden: “Conceal, don’t feel, put on a show,/ Make one wrong move and everyone will know”.

The animation shows her alone in her room. We first see her through the wooden frames of her closed window. The image looks almost like Elsa is singing from behind the bars of a prison. Through most of the musical number, Elsa remains in the shadows.

The opening of the gates heightens the likelihood that Elsa’s secret will be exposed, a fact that makes her terribly nervous. The opening of gates therefore signifies that Elsa is making herself vulnerable to the world; it is linked with the opening of herself. The opening of the gates then takes on a sexual meaning, overtly with Anna who hopes for romance and covertly for Elsa who dreads discovery. The gates signify that both sisters have reached sexual maturity. Anna is excited at the prospect of finding a partner, while Elsa is afraid that her body will betray her and disclose the truth of her sexuality.

One sister is out, while the other is closeted.  

 “Love is an Open Door”

For love and sexuality to flourish, one must open  oneself up to others. The song thus continues to link sexuality and romance to the door  imagery. To keep one’s door closed is to hold back on love. If we apply this idea to Elsa,  it becomes clear what this song would mean for her character. Her magical powers are nothing but a metaphor for her love. Elsa’s love and sexuality are being figuratively held prisoner behind the gates which she always keeps close. If love is an open door, then by keeping her door closed, Elsa is hiding what makes her different, her queer love. 

As the ball continues, Elsa is already thinking of retreating. In fact, once her sister’s announcement of her engagement comes to threaten her peace, Elsa announces her plan to stop the ball and close the gates once more. Like the closet door, the gates offer her a measure of protection, a way to hide herself from a world who would vilify her for being born different

The door imagery once again comes into play, and a terrified Elsa runs, opening a succession of doors to find herself face to face with her people, represented by parents and their children, one symbol for the heteronormative order. As they discover her magical powers, they turn away from her in fear.

The figurative closet door was opened, and what she feared would happen has happened. She has been rejected, and she has been seen as a monster.

Her fears being realised has a liberating effect on her. She has nothing left to lose. She has faced her people’s fear and revulsion and come out alright. This realisation leads to her singing the now famous song “Let It Go”, a song which also has been adopted as a gay anthem.

Elsa expresses her feelings as she abandons all pretenses and embraces who she is, taking pleasure in discovering her own powers and swearing off approval in lieu of self-love. She expresses her newfound freedom in these terms: “Turn away and slam the door!”

Elsa is figuratively opening a door and  slamming it behind her; keeping others out even if she roams free. The song ends on another door image as Elsa announces to the world, “Here I stand in the light of day. Let the storm rage on! The cold never bothered me anyway”.

Mixed with the lyrics of her song, this imagery evokes the well-known queer saying, “I’m here, I am queer, get used to it.”

Here she is in the light of day, telling Arendelle that she is different and that they best get used to it. This is Elsa’s “coming out”.

From then on, Elsa holds an ambivalent relationship with doors as soon as Anna knocks on the doors to Elsa’s ice castle, they open, indicating  that she is welcomed, that Elsa is no longer hiding. When captured and locked away  again, Elsa blasts open her prison cell, bringing down its very walls. This all shows that Elsa no longer wants to be confined or to seek the approval and acceptance of others.

“I belong here, alone, where I can be who I am without hurting anybody”

This only changes once Anna sacrifices herself for her. This solitary act of complete love and acceptance is the one that finally breaks down Elsa’s defenses. Elsa realises that she must learn to freely love and accept love in return: “Love, of course”.

It is the only thing that will allow her to control her powers. This is the turning point which allows her not only to love herself, but to share herself with others as symbolised by the last opening of the gate.

Elsa loves herself and is loved for  herself. She informs her sister that the gates will never be closed again as we see her  skating on the ice rink she created for the citizens of Arendelle within her castle grounds.

The gates are shown to be wide open. Her difference becomes celebrated rather than feared by her people and her family as the story draws to a close. 

This “coming-out” metaphor is made more obvious by the change in Elsa’s appearance before and after her powers are revealed. Indeed, after escaping Arendelle, Elsa celebrates by changing her looks, trading her conservative dress for a more sensual and feminine one.  

Looks and sexual awakening

In the beginning of the movie the colours she chooses to wear are dark and sombre.

Almost no hint of skin other than her face is revealed, every inch of herself is covered. She walks with her back straight, her head held high, keeping her arms close to herself.

She does not smile and talks very little. She keeps her emotion inside, always under tight control. She seems tense, rigid, and cold, attributes which are not stereotypically feminine.

While Elsa dresses in a way that reflects a feminine performance of gender, she also has some masculine attributes. Her tight rein on her emotions, her preference for dark colours, and her rigid movements are expected ways of expressing a preference for a masculine gender role. Similarly, her taciturn behaviour and the way she covers every inch of her body are less expected of a woman. It can then be argued that at her coronation, Elsa mixes feminine and masculine gender expressions.

However, much of this undergoes change after she reveals her powers. Once Elsa escapes Arendelle and breaks into song, Elsa transforms herself as if she is shedding her skin. Her dark dress becomes a sparkling pastel blue gown. While before her skin was covered, suddenly she reveals her neck and décolletage. A slit in her dress exposes one of her legs. Elsa also lets down her hair, letting it fall in a braid on her shoulders. Her movements become less rigid – her hips undulate as she walks on high heels, and she opens her arms wide as if embracing the world.

Elsa becomes livelier;  she runs, jumps, shouts, and smiles. Although ice surrounds her, she looks warmer, more attainable. Her new frock, which allows a lot more of her skin to be seen, combined with her more sensual way of moving give her a more sexual appearance. This seems to link Elsa’s powers with a sexual awakening. Her sex appeal is here on full display as if she has been keeping a tight rein not only on her emotions, but on her sexuality as well.

Elsa’s femininity is exaggerated in a way Anna’s is not.

Elsa’s exaggerated femininity from this point on marks her as a Femme.

Elsa is a powerful woman who exists outside of the spheres  of male powers. She is a Queen without a King. Her very lack of romantic interest in the  film makes her difficult to attach to the heteronormative order. She is the most powerful woman in the land both because of her magic but also because of her political title. Elsa is, however, a problem to many.

 She is stronger than a hundred men and cannot be controlled. Moreover, Anna’s fiancé questions Anna’s desire to see her sister, believing it is unsafe for her to see Elsa, and a visiting Duke looks at Anna with suspicion. Her blood relation to Elsa makes her as a possible threat, something Anna is quick to disavow. After all, if Elsa could hide her “deviance,” who is to say that the same is not true of her sister: “Are you a monster too? Is there sorcery in you too?”. The closeness of the women’s ties is then perceived by the male characters as  either suspicious or dangerous to Anna, the powerless and, therefore, pure and good woman.

  Anna

Still, Elsa’s lesbianism is not solely focused on her powers and independence but also on her bond to her sister, Anna. The importance of this relationship to her character also adds to her queerness. Elsa does, indeed, make her relationship with another woman central to herself. 

The importance given to their sisterly love, which overshadows their love for their respective princes, gives a queer feel to the tale. By implying that the love shared between women can be more important than a heterosexual romance, the tale is opening the door to queer possibilities. Allowing the possibilities that two sisters may love each other as deeply as any heterosexual couples also allows the possibilities that two women who are not related may love each other just as much. 

First, Anna, Olaf, and Kristoff believe that Hans’ love will save Anna, and later, they believe much the same thing concerning Kristoff’s love for Anna, but, in the end, their assumptions are proven wrong.

Elsa is instead shown to be Anna’s true love, in a complete reversal of heteronormative expectations.

Their love can break a curse. While I do not want to imply that Anna and Elsa’s relationship is in any way romantic, I do believe that their story brings out the possibility of a queer romance. Their love is an open door which challenges heteronormative assumptions about the importance of female love and relationships.

[adelheidvonschicksal]

Alpha!Midoriya x F!Omega!Reader | Late Bloomer

May I please have a so-called beta Izuku (dormant alpha) having his first ever rut sending his omega fem s/o into heat then things seriously escalate to NSFW territory from there? Maybe Izuku's hormone (testosterone) levels increased after winning a fight causing him to present (just a theory on why). Beta x omega would be taboo in omegaverse right? I also could totally see Izuku as a late blooming alpha. Thank U~

Warnings: fluff mostly! NSFW! It’s not noncon this time I swear! Dom!Deku

Hand holding with your boyfriend was your favorite part of walking to school together. You always were comforted with his fingers intertwined with your own. It made you more than content. You knew it was odd to others that you felt that way about a beta, but there was just something about having a sweet boyfriend who doted on you regardless of whether he had a strong scent or a knot.

Today, you were also feeling extra cuddly. You crooned and cuddled into his side, rubbing your scent into him as you buried your head to get any amount of his freshly cut grass scent in your nose. You cradled his arm against your chest, pulling fitfully while he blushed and stammered at the treatment and odd looks the two of you received.

Midoriya knew you couldn’t help your behavior though. For some reason, you tended to rub up against things around the same time every few months ever since you were pre-teens. It was a nightmare for your parents since you’d go around doing it to other kids, hugging them for far too long in a vice-like grip. He finally figured out why early on in your relationship though when you suddenly stopped attaching to friends and family and solely stuck to using him as your plush toy.

The overdose of affection was just a sign that your heat would come in a few days. It wasn’t unheard of for omegas and alphas to have pre-heat and rut signs: cramps, heat flashes, increased aggression, possessiveness, or nothing at all. He was just lucky that you had clingy. Even without being an alpha, he could really get behind this side of your omeganess. It was just so cute!

However, it was still a prelude to a bittersweet time that he didn’t know exactly how to feel about. Midoriya loved how sweet and needy you got for him when usually you were fairly independent. How you would cuddle him and run your hands through green hair. He couldn’t get enough when the two of you finally got alone.

Then, there was the leeward side of your heat.

The one where you doubled over in pain if you went without suppressants. It never seemed like he could properly satisfy you enough to kick you out of your heat early. It wasn’t that his size was the problem, he was surprisingly well-endowed in that department for a beta, or your pleasure since you always cried and spasmed around him each time, but rather his lack of a knot. Then, he was afraid that having sex might only serve to make your heat stall and last longer. So, you had to power through until it naturally declined and disappeared.

Midoriya couldn’t stand those days. It made him feel useless, and he couldn't really figure out what made you sign on for that when you started dating him at first. Two years later though, you were still here and cuddling into his side blissfully.

You had arrived at school early and decided to head to the canteen for breakfast. Your table was empty as you awaited the rest of your friend group to show up, but that didn’t matter to you since you were too busy feeling up a flustered bean and snuggling into his hair like he was your personal catnip.

“Deku~ you’re so flufffyyy,” you giggled as his hand shook around his spoon, milk and cereal spilling back into the bowl. You weren’t the only one who noticed the behavior as two burly older boys spotted you from the table over, amusedly watching the display of an omega in obvious pre-heat mode.

“(N-Name)-chan, you need to calm down, we’re at school,” he stammered, blush intensifying.

“No,” you cooed and licked his cheek, and he had to stop himself from falling over the edge of his seat in his embarrassment.

A laugh could be heard from the next table over. “Having trouble over there, buddy?” the taller of the two boys asked.

”Don’t let her jump you now! No still means no for omegas, too,” the other jokingly added.

“N-No, it’s fine!” Midoriya answered, pushing you down a little to stop you from climbing on top of him right there. “I got it covered.”

The two laughed, and the shorter one decided to invite himself over to your table to strike up a conversation or perhaps enjoy breakfast and a show. He stops though upon closer inspection. Your scent dominated over Midoriya, his completely erased with your own.

A scowl etched at his lips. “Are you two dating?”

“Mhm,” you hummed and inhaled deeply over Midoriya’s scent gland, too preoccupied to worry about the slight sneer the question was asked with.

“That’s just precious,” he said with a soft smile in your direction. Izuku smiled weakly and rubbed the back of his head, feeling a bit shy about the compliment until he opened his mouth again to mockingly state, “You must be the sweetest little omega to want to cozy up to a beta like that.”

Izuku tensed, smile dropping to a scowl. You followed suit, holding onto him, but your expression was less than friendly. Your good mood ruined.

The taller alpha tilted his head, furrowing his brows, his eyes squinting in thought. “No wonder she’s going crazy, she’s probably starving on beta cock,” he thought out loud, a genuinely confused personification of the “but why tho” meme, then addressed Midoriya, “Do you even know what to do with her?” he asked curiously.

”It’s none of your fucking business, piss off,” you grunted, hoping they’d drop the subject.

“We don’t mean anything by it, we just wanted to make sure you’re getting treated right,” the other says matter-of-factly, saving a softer tone for you than the scornful one he held for Midoriya.

It didn’t matter whether they meant offense or not. They caused it immediately when Midoriya pursed his lips and went quiet as he retreated into his own head.

You pouted, heart aching and anger growing at the way your boyfriend bowed his head. His hands clenched at his pants legs, and his teeth sunk hard into his bottom lip. You hugged your arms around his waist and settled your chin on his shoulder. “Just ignore him, Izu, he’s just jealous that the only action he’s getting is with his hand,” you say, throwing a sharp glare at him.

“What did you say to me, omega?”

Midoriya scowled. He clenched his fist as their attention directed towards you. He could deal with himself getting harassed, he’s had years of training in that department dealing with Katsuki and the other kids in middle school, but—

“You heard me, knothead. No one invited you over here in the first damn place,” you mouthed off again and gave a low growl.

—he was never one to let someone else get bullied or unfairly talked down to, especially not his girlfriend.

“Who the hell do you think you’re bucking at?”

“You, fuckface. Now back off before I lose my fucking temper.”

“Seriously, you want to fight? You have to be kidding me, your parents must be fucking dying at having a butch omega for a kid, no wonder you can't get an alpha,” he spats, and it’s the threatening growl that sets Deku off. He stood in front of you, arm held out low where you sat.

“Who do you think you are—talking to her like that! You don’t know anything about (Name) and don’t deserve to. You’re angry, acting out because you’re afraid to see people not feeding your ego by following your rules, and you can’t face the fact that no matter what you are; at the end of the day she still wouldn’t choose someone like you!”

You scowled behind Midoriya, glaring down at the intrusive alpha the same way Izuku did. There was a silence in the air for the few tables around you as they looked on, ready to see any sort of fight.

A fight is what they got when the resounding hit of a punch rang out, and you jumped up with a gasp as Midoriya stumbled back, clutching his hand to his nose. “Deku!”

“I’m fine!” he growled, swiping the back of his hand to wipe the blood away from the wound given to him. “It didn’t hurt!”

“You felt nothing yet, runt!” he spat and geared up to punch Midoriya again to show him how much his punches “didn’t hurt”.

You knew Deku was much smaller in frame than some of the other guys. You were a bit worried when green eyes met yours, but you had to remind yourself that even though he was small, he had muscles under that uniform blazer and could fuck someone up if need be, and everything burning inside him at once told him it was needed, much more so than usual as he blocked the punch and tackled down his rival.

Midoriya won’t deny the satisfying feeling and rush of power when his fist contacted bone and cartilage. It all went blank then. He ran on pure instinct, blocking out the yells and jeers around him. He kept enough sense to not use his quirk, but that didn’t slow him down from fighting with his own strength even after a hit broke through his barrage and nailed him in the face. Caught off guard, he was flipped over onto his back, becoming the submissive fighter now.

“Izuku!” you called to him, and his heart raced as you got closer to tear the bigger boy off him. You grabbed under one of his arms and moved to pin down the other, but his elbow came back mid-punch and nailed you in the cheek, and you backed off with a hissed, “Shit.”

You didn’t seem obviously hurt or much fazed by the hit other than your shock, but it didn’t matter when you got touched, when this asshole thought he could get away with that, to Midoriya’s omega.

Midoriya growled and thrusted the alpha off before pouncing to straddle him. “You’re going to pay for that!”

You winced with each hit, you’ve never seen him with that type of aggression. “Hey, Izuku…” He wasn’t paying attention. He was almost acting like a feral if you didn’t know better. It wasn’t normal, and you finally had enough when you heard the weak whimper from under him. “Izuku! Stop, I think he gets it!”

You grasped onto Izuku’s back, hugging him a little. He paused when your arms wrapped around him and your scent hit him so strongly for the first time in his life. He breathed heavily, gulping down at the bloody face under him before he gasped and quickly scrambled up onto his feet.

You pulled Izuku closer to the crowd, as he panted and calmed with the feel of your fingers slipping between his own. The taller Alpha ran up to his friend, kneeling and patting his cheek to coax him back to the conscious world. He groaned, and you were a bit relieved that he opened his eyes, even if he deserved it.

His friend smiled weakly before chuckling out at the bruised face of the student on the floor. “Dude…that little guy fucked you up.”

“Shut up, you dumbass!” the alpha cursed, popping up as the other students laughed. “You just fucking sat there and let it happen!”

“I thought you had it, really.”

You grimaced, holding onto Izuku tighter as you wondered what just happened. You didn’t have much time to consider it when you saw long black hair and a tired, irritated face breaking through the crowd.

Fuck.

The two of you sat alone in your desks in an empty classroom. You sighed, hating in school detention. You were supposed to be learning some really cool things in class today. Instead, you and Midoriya were both being punished. You didn’t use your quirks, so it lightened your sentence to three days of detention.

You glanced to Midoriya, still rigid at his desk. His nails dug against the edge impatiently. His expression tense and he himself silent, only groaning a bit when he would drop his head to his desk and rub against his forearm. You sighed. This is all that assholes fault.

Midoriya’s tension wasn’t from that though. He was more concerned about the boiling in his blood that had him physically sweating under his collar. He long tore off his blazer and undid a few buttons. Fighting for control, he focused on trying to keep his breathing steady, but oxygen suddenly felt too thick to swallow down while his stomach kept aching each time he inhaled your suddenly heavy scent. Always, you said your scent was like coconut, specifically the milk, and he never realized it smelled so good in his life until now, especially as you scooted your desk closer to his.

“Hey, I’m sorry I got us in trouble, Midoriya,” you mumbled and placed your hand on his shoulder. “You’re not hurt, are you?”

“No, I’m fine,” he huskily drawn out. You blinked at the deep, heavy voice given to you and leaned over to get a look at his face.

Midoriya didn’t know why he was suddenly thinking it now, but you looked good with your hair a little messy from the events of the day, and your thighs widening out against your seat, giving an exaggerated sense of fertile feminine curves. Your lips looked good enough to kiss and bruise red with bites right about now. He just really wanted to bend you over the desk and pound you raw until—shit, what is he thinking. You’re in school.

But when you wrapped your arms around his shoulders and start your cuddling procedure again, your frame firm but soft against him, those thoughts all go out the window.

Midoriya reached out and clasped your face suddenly. You were pulled into a rough, uncontrolled kiss. Instead of growing more passionate, it started that way, hot and heavy as his tongue glanced over you.

“D-Deku?” you questioned, eyes widened as he pulled away and protectively slid the flat of his tongue across your cheek where you were hit like you were a preciously wounded animal that he had to take care of. You didn’t reject the attention, in fact, it was exciting, but you pushed away because of the odd behavior. “What’s gotten into you?”

“I-I don’t know,” he growled lowly against your lips, and you were shaking at the dropping octaves. He kissed you again, a bit more conscious and steadier as he stood and gripped your shoulders. The desperate grip almost hurt, but your whimper was swallowed down with hungry lips. His hold fell down your shoulders, rubbing up and down your biceps, slightly more comfortable. His chest rose heavy. Rapidly, it rose and fell against your own as he pulled away before rushing back to bite your bottom lip.

“I love you so much, (Name),” he whispered and smothered your neck in kisses.

“I lo—” you couldn’t get a word in edgewise as he kept kissing you, “ve, y-you, too,” you moaned and tilted your head. He took the opportunity to mark your neck, one spot at a time, though it didn’t take long to have a ring around you with the desperate speed he went at you.

“Deku,” you gasped when he fully squeezed your breasts through your school uniform, folding the fabric of your blazer in his hands before hastily undoing the buttons of both it and your shirt underneath. The ones that break off in his rush, lightly clacker against the floor and roll away to hidden corners.

Izuku pulled you up out of your seat, cupping your ass and hopping you up higher on his waist before settling you against the desk. “(Name), grind against me,” he demanded, nipping at your ear. You gave in easily to his demand, rocking your hips against his rock-solid cock. And fuck, you don’t know what’s gotten into him when he kisses and bites at the exposed tops of your tits but you’re not complaining when the smell of grass fills your nose again.

It was so…strong and heady and...Alpha.

So tantalizingly alpha as it mixed with something else your vaguely recognized. It had your body flooding with familiar hormones that had slick soaking through your panties. You didn’t think your heat would start so soon, you always had a few days in advance, but he was driving you mad. Your alluring smell only made him buck harder, and you yelped in his ear.

“(Name)-chan, you smell really good,” he said and tightened his hold around your back to get you physically close as possible. You think if he could melt into you, he would, and you’d gladly do the same.

He knew he was bad for your heat, but he couldn’t stop himself from pulling at his zipper and thrusting his pants midway down his thighs. You quickly sat back and did the same with your panties, letting them slide down your ankles. You didn’t bother to waste time kicking them off. You both needed each other now.

Your body trembled, and you gasped in the pleasure of having his much-needed cock inside you, immediately pulsing and ramming all the way back in one fluid jerk of his hips. “DEKU,” you screamed into his shoulder as he gripped on your hips and repeatedly buried himself inside your desperately clenching cunt.

You held onto him, bouncing back against the desk as he thrusted up into you. You always felt good during sex with him, but this time felt different in an exciting new way. From his sudden dominance to his thick scent, or guttural grunts, you didn’t know which and didn’t care as you finally kicked your undies to the floor and wrapped your legs around him. The room filled with the slapping of skin and smell of raw sex as your juices flowed in between your legs, squelching with every thrust. It was drowned out by both your moans as Izuku snapped his hips into yours, refusing to pull out of you for long before stretching you back out and making you cry with the quickly building force of your orgasm.

Something foreign drew against your body. It pressed against your entrance and ground against you with the rock of his hips. It wasn’t quite big yet and you moaned as it slid into you, locking for a moment before he pulled back out. You vaguely wondered if he was about to knot you.

It had to be impossible.

You whined as he pulled out of you, breathing heavy as he tried to catch his breath. You only had a small amount of time to gaze down at the base of his slick drenched cock. You clearly saw the bulb of his expanding base there. “Deku,” you breathed out, the dark look in his eyes said he’d figured it out, too.

“I’m sorry, (Name),” he huffed out, and you were unsure why he would apologize before he suddenly flipped you over the desk and onto your stomach. You cried out as he plunged back into you at a jackrabbit speed. “I-I can’t stop,” he apologized, squeezing you tighter as he closed his eyes and got lost in the feel of your walls hugging tight and wet around him.

Being bent over made everything squeeze and he felt twice as big going back inside you with one hand gripping your hip to tug you back against him and the other gripping the edge of the desk to steady himself as he pounded into you.

You felt pleasantly numb, as you buried your head in your arms to muffle your cries as you came around him. His first knot took a bit of time to swell up right, but once it did, you skipped past cloud nine, ten, and all the way to cloud 99 as it beat at your aching pussy before giving you what you needed—a full cock and knot burying balls deep inside you. Midoriya groaned, stilling and resting his forehead against your back as he spilled against your cervix.

“I’m sorry, (Name),” he panted, rubbing a sweaty forehead against your shoulder as he gently rubbed his fingers through your hair. “I didn’t know it would happen this way.”

“It’s okay, i-it felt amazing,” you sung out. “I didn’t think people presented so late.”

Midoriya nodded, not that you could see that or the bitter smile that followed. “I can finally make your heat go down now,” he commented jokingly, but you recognized the self-deprecation and the distance that rode on those words. Midoriya hated knowing at the end of the day, he was never able to make you this relaxed during without a near hour of build-up. He was relieved he finally could, but it also nagged at his mind that he really wasn’t good enough when he thought he was a beta.

“Deku, y-you know that didn’t matter, I’ve been in love with you since we were kids. It never mattered to me if you were an alpha or not, I just liked you because you were you and you made me happy,” you reassured him, wishing desperately that you could see his face more clearly as you turn your head to the side and look up at him from the corner of your eye. “And like you said, I’d would’ve chosen you over an alpha any day,” you smiled sweetly, and his cheeks darkened. “So, will you please kiss me now? I can’t really do it bent over like this.”

He nodded and pressed a kiss to the corner of your lips, gently combing through your hair in the meantime as he waited for his swelling to go down. Midoriya smiled weakly and rubbed his wrist at wet green eyes. He had no idea how he managed to get so lucky in life to have you. “I love you, (Name).”

“I love you, too, but I think we have some time to make up for,” you teased and rocked back against him again, making him moan as you spasmed around his knot.

“(Na-Name), you can’t do that so suddenly. I’m still not used to this,” he hissed and rutted back into you. “S-Shit,” Midoriya growled as his knot loosened and slipped out of you.

Watching you leak with a mix of your cum, he immediately burned with a foreign desire to knot you again and again. Fuck. He supposed he would have to spend the next few days in detention learning something. Practicing on fucking you through your heat seemed like the perfect lesson.

You licked your lips, wantonly, and refused to slow down as you wiggled against his lap. “I need your knot, Deku,” you whimpered, and his blood began to boil again.

“I-I won’t hold back then,” he replied before gripping onto your waist and giving you both what you needed.

[windless-hurricane]

Pennywise and the Dancing Girl

Chapter 7: The Ghost Kids

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SUMMARY: Emma has an unknown past with the clown of many names. IT to the ones he haunts, Pennywise to himself, and Robert Gray to her. Although she hates and regrets this, she lives with it anyways. However, that begins to change once she meets Henry Bowers, the local asshole.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: We’re FINALLY back! Sorry for the long and unannounced hiatus, but here’s the new chapter! Side note: Robert Gray (one of IT’s personas) finally makes a cameo! If you’re wondering what he looks like, he’s basically just Bill Skarsgard. Now, hopefully you enjoy this chapter!

WARNINGS (for the entire series): Explicit language, violence, graphic scenes involving blood and/or death, some sexuality, and some underage drinking and drug use.

WORD COUNT: 2.4k

PREVIOUS CHAPTER

PENNYWISE AND THE DANCING GIRL MASTERLIST

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(EMMA’S P.O.V.)

“Come on,“ he shouted breathlessly. "We need to go.” He pulled at my wrist, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. Everything was just so blurry and my body ached all over.

“I can’t,” I muttered. “I can’t.”

He let go and crouched in front of me. He started to examine my face, but avoided any eye contact. I did my best to look at him though. His face was stricken with worry and sweat.

He reached his hand out and stroked my cheek so lightly, I hardly felt it. However, it was still gentle and reassuring and I couldn’t help the sigh of contentment that left me. His fingers danced along the side of my face until they came upon my temple, pressing against it.

It caused pain to explode along my forehead and my vision to grow more splotchy. I groaned deeply, causing him to pull his hand away. Somehow, I was still able to make out the red staining his fingers afterward.

I gazed into his eyes and luckily, I could see the blue as clear as clouds could be. They still soothed me, even at a time like this.

“You have to go,” I told him and he simply shook his head.

“If I do, I’m afraid you’ll forget me forever,” he explained softly.

“I’ll never forget you.”

“Then, how do you explain that,” he questioned, pointing behind him.  

I followed his finger and my eyes widened. Behind him, Vic and Belch were wandering around aimlessly with a dead look in their eyes. I looked back at him.

“What do you mean?”

Then, a harsh sound echoed in my ears and it almost sounded like thunder. I whimpered quietly as I forced myself to look up at Vic and Belch’s changing figures. One second, they were themselves and the next they were the two girls I saw in the dark shed. Now I knew what he meant.

I winced as the noise grew louder, becoming deafening.

“Stop,” I whispered and he did, leaving only silence and Vic and Belch back to their original selves.

I turned back to him and his eyes were full of hatred, but not exactly for me.

“You’re already forgetting about us,” he accused ruthlessly and it physically pained me to hear him say that.

“I’m not forgetting about you,” I strained.

“Then why,” he shouted, grabbing onto my shoulders roughly. I felt my entire body become numb as he did so. I could feel his sadness through his trembling hands and clingy grip. I felt it each time his shoulders heaved and his breath shook. “Why,” he asked again with tears welling in his eyes.

“You guys died,” I whispered. “And there’s nothing that could be done about it. I spent almost a hundred years mourning you and for what? So I could be miserable? So I could continue to hate myself and be riddled with guilt? I loved you all, but I need to move on or else I’ll be dwelling on you for the rest of my life.”

“I’ll never forget you, but I need to move passed you.” I tried to catch his gaze, but he wouldn’t look at me. Instead, he kept his eyes glued to the floor. Then, suddenly his hands made their way from my shoulders to my neck.

“If that’s the case then, they’ll be your next burden,” he stated angrily and the room was quickly filled with screams and cries of agony. I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Open your eyes!” So, I did, attempting to rip his hands off me as well. “You’ll get them killed!”

I glanced behind him and Vic and Belch were hanging off the ground, both held by nooses with their bodies convulsing roughly.

“No,” I shouted. I tore my gaze away, but they didn’t land back on the same boy. They landed on Henry - a bloodied and broken Henry.

I gasped myself awake and was met with the overwhelmingly blue sky, breathing heavily. It took me a few seconds to calm down and process that I wasn’t alone, and that the person that was here wasn’t a person I wanted to see. IT wasn’t a thing I wanted to see. However instead of being angry, I was shocked. Shocked at the fact that he was here and was currently holding my head in his lap while he played with my hair.

“Is this what you do now instead of coming down to the sewers? You just fall asleep on random park benches,” he questioned dully and I couldn’t find my voice to respond.

Then, he looked down at me and I locked eyes with the clear blue eyes of Robert Gray. “Cat got your tongue?”

“No,” I answered dryly.

“Your voice sounds like sandpaper,” he commented. Normally I would’ve said something snarky back, but I wasn’t in the mood.

“Why are you here?”

“Because you are playing a dangerous game.”

“I’m not. I’m playing the game I want to play and you’re not going to do anything about it.”

He shrugged carelessly as he looked away. “You’re wasting your time. A human like that is never going to change no matter how hard you try.” I quickly shot up and removed myself from the bench, glaring at him.

“I’m not trying to change him. I just want to help him.” He tilted his head.

“And you think someone like him is actually worth it?”

In all honesty, yes. I believed he was.

Henry was not completely responsible for the way he was. It was his father that had a good, or rather bad, hand in it. How I knew? Because Butch was all he had and I saw the bruises and puffy red eyes when we would pick him up from his house. Butch broke him, leaving him with nothing else but pain and how to inflict it. He had no one to help him, only people that fed onto his anger like Patrick.

But ever since I started hanging out with him, he slowly started to get better without realizing it. He was less violent, had less outbursts, and was less controlling of Vic and Belch.

Right now, Henry was standing over a trap door and there were two options. One: he could let himself fall and be trapped in that hole forever or two: he could lead himself away from it with the help of another and that’s what I would do.

I would stay with him despite how rough his situation got. I would be his positive hand in a world full of negativity. I would give him support and advice when he was close to giving up or doing something he would regret. I would remind him of what was right and wrong if he had ever gone too far or lost it. Because that’s what helping someone was. Being there for them.

I knew he was worth it because of the day at the arcade. When I stopped him, he could’ve ignored me and still gone in, but he didn’t. Or even when he first wanted to hang out with him and I told him I wouldn’t if he was bullying kids. He could’ve not come to me at all and continued to terrorize, but he didn’t. That was enough for me to know.

“Yes,” I told him proudly before turning around.

“It’s because of his eyes, isn’t it,” he asked abruptly, causing me to stop.

“He reminds of you that boy.” And he wasn’t wrong. He did. He always had, I just never wanted to admit before. He reminded me of the boy the blessed my dreams and haunted my nightmares. He reminded me of the boy with the clouded blue eyes. “You can’t replace him.”

This statement was enough to set me off, but I did me best to keep it together. However, I couldn’t stop my hands from clenching tightly into fists.

“I know,” I whispered through gritted teeth. “But that was never the plan to begin with… I’m tired of not being able to do anything and I’m tired of constantly being controlled by you, but not anymore. I’m going to live my own life and be with who I want to be with, whether you like it or not. This is my life.” I walked away, not noticing the smirk that made its way onto his face.

“Yet, I’m the one who gave it to you… But alright, Emma. Let’s play.”

__________________________

After that unexpected visit, I went straight to the library. It was the only place I could surely be alone. I normally would’ve gone to the quarry, but I didn’t want to chance running into Henry either. I was still avoiding him since the party. However, I was too pissed to be dealing with anyone anyways. So, maybe reading could drown the anger out.

I flipped through the pages of the book, half reading and half skimming. It wasn’t boring, but it was near laughable and extremely cliched. That was how most of these books I read were - romantically cliched. I was currently reading one called “Almost Forever” about some corporate girl who ends up falling in love. It was an okay book and so were the rest, but I didn’t know why I kept reading them.

I sighed softly and rested my cheek against my palm, closing my eyes. My grip loosened on the page as I began to drift off. Then, I pushed myself awake before turning to the next page.

I faintly heard the sound of heavy footsteps and they continued to grow louder until they were right in front of me. I looked up and was met with the sight of Henry. That was quick. The party was only two days ago.

I looked closer and saw that he had a scrape on his head, along with a bump that was beginning swelling.

“What happened to you,” I asked blatantly with a raised eyebrow, but he didn’t respond. He only kept his eyes glued to the floor and when he finally did look up at me, they were full of shame and guilt. It caught me off guard.

“Can I sit,“ he asked quietly and his voice was rough and stripped. I sighed again.

"Well, I don’t own the table,” I answered, watching as he sat seconds later. Then, I looked back to the pages of the book. "You know, never in a thousand years would I have ever imagined you stepping foot into a library.”

“You’re not wrong,” he agreed. “I only came because I knew you’d be here.” I looked up at him in surprise.  

“Is that so?”

“Yeah, you’re a nerd like that,” he deduced, but with no signs of a smirk. It had just been a statement and I wasn’t offended.

“You still didn’t answer my question.”

“What?”

“What happened to your face?” He shook his head softly.

“I did something…stupid,” he muttered.

“Is that why you’re here then?”

“Yeah,” he whispered. “I was wrong…about everything.”

My eyes widened for a split second as I gazed at him intently.

“What do you mean,” I asked, setting the book down.

“The day after the party…after you left…I was pissed, but mostly at myself because…I didn’t want to push you away. Not even a little bit and I thought I could feel better by going after somebody. I thought it would make me feel less angry, but I was wrong.” He paused. “I-I went after the Hanlon kid and it only made me feel worse.”

“Then, when those los-”

I raised an eyebrow and he glanced at me. “Um, wh-when Denbrough and his friends showed up, they got me,” he said pitifully, gesturing to his head. “They got me good.”

“What was it,” I asked sullenly.

“A rock.” I raised my eyebrows in shock. A rock? Wow. I didn’t think they were capable.

I nodded, “Then, what?”

“Then, it all just came crashing in. What you said and what I’ve been doing to those kids… I hurt them and made them hate me. So, what they did to me… I deserved it, because I was an asshole. I realized that everything I did to them was what was done to m-” and he stopped. He wanted to finish his sentence, but he was afraid to.

Was he going to confess what his father did to him or would it be too soon? Either way, it would be his choice.

“I did to them what was done to you,” he finished and I stared at him in shock.

Then suddenly, he leaned forward and reached his hand out, causing me to stiffen. His hand met the side of my neck gently and his fingertips grazed my skin. A shiver ran down my spine as my breath halted. His fingers were warm, yet they were trembling as they traced along my scars. He met my eyes.

“And why would I want to be like the person who did this to you?”

“Before you came along, I thought what I was doing was okay. I thought I needed it to feel better, but you made me question everything. You made want to stop and I don’t know why. You made me want to be me.”

“Why me,” I muttered softly and his hand moved up to my jaw. His thumb stroked my jawline softly, before he removed his hand altogether. I groaned internally as I didn’t want to lose the feel of him.

“Maybe because…you’re the only one who knows how it feels.” He said it. He actually said it. “But still manage to be different. You never take it out on anyone else, even when you’re hurt or angry. You’re still a good person and that’s what I want. I don’t want you to look at me the way you did at the party. I want to be someone you don’t look at like a monster.”

My eyes widened. “Do you mean that?” And he slowly nodded.

“Yes.” It was one simple word, but it still brought a smile to my face. My chest warmed up just as quickly and it was such an unfamiliar yet pleasant feeling. Was this happiness? “Just don’t tell anyone.”

I let out a small chuckle and nodded quickly. “Okay.”

He glanced at me before turning away. “You should smile more often.” I felt some heat rise in my face and mentally slapped myself for it.

“Sh-shut up.” I could’ve sworn he smiled, even if it was just for a few seconds.

“Well, do you wanna stay here or do you wanna get outta here?”

I smirked, "Let’s get outta here.”

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END OF CHAPTER 7

[purplenickel]

So this turned more into my queer dating history but its fun lol

So I have always been attracted to boys even before I knew that trans was a thing much less that I could transition. I also always admired girls and found ways to rationalize it until like middle school when I became aware of bisexuality where I had so many crushes usually on the mean kids at least the ones that didn’t have like weird shaped heads or watch alarms that went off at weird times during class like why do you need an alarm for 1:27? Youre supposed to be learning basic Spanish do that instead lol An I dated one guy in middle school when I knew I was bisexual and at least a tom boy. And the things I wanted to do to that boy. Like I was kinky as a small child lol like damn you could do a lot more than hold my hand and let me give you innocent little cheek kisses.

We stayed together until freshmen year of high school where I was bored with how slow things were going so I broke up with him. It probably didn’t help that I was starting to question my gender then either.  I told my mom I thought I wanted to be a boy and she shot that down real quick “You’re a girl and cant be a boy” so I ended up trying to cut off all my hair until it was so fucked she had to give me a buzzcut and I ended up looking like a hard core butch lesbian for a semester)

Second boyfriend was this skinny dude like only an inch taller than me and I was 5’3 at the time. I wrote down love song lyrics and gave them to him to ask him out. Im romantic like that lol. We dated for a while and I guess we just grew apart. He wouldn’t do much more than kiss me occasionally and I was like damn yall how do I keep getting these innocent Victorian straight boys. But he was cute and I still see him around town much to my embarrassment. Idk why im embarrassed so much maybe I feel bad that he thought he was dating a girl and im not?

Next boyfriend was a bi emo guy named Justice. I dated him mainly because he was the only bi guy I knew at my school in rural redneck Virginia lol he ended up being really kinky and kinda weirdly intense.  Like the fun part was he didn’t mind that I was all for sitting in the back of the anime club/computer classroom and tryina get down. The weird part was that he had the idea to write Real Person fanfiction staring ourselves as like vampires because he had a major biting kink and was really emo and thought he was goth but rural VA is a hard place to be goth when all your clothes come from walmart. But he was really intense like he had our entire lives planned out in the fanfic and actually went a bought me a ring  , gold with a pearl setting, that I immediately lost because why would you give me a ring??? Nah so I got real disinterested in Justice and planned to break up with him. I actually ended up cheating on him sort of. My class went on a field trip to Jamestown famous school tour site all Virginian probably had to go to. And one of my classmates/kind of friends was this really hot guy with this shaggy blonde hair and this wiry lanky body and was this laid back hot stoner type and I really liked him so I sat next to him on the bus ride and seduced him through out the whole trip until we stopped in this little shopping mall on the way back to school. I was walking around one of the department stores and saw him trying one underwear of all things lol he invited me to help him pick out a new pair of tight good looking underwear and I agreed and slipped into the changing room while he was putting them on and ended up giving him a hand job he was grateful lol. Then we went back to the bus and pretended like nothing happened but there was already a rumor going around the buses that somebody had sex in the store. A few days later Justice actually broke up with me because he felt that I was “acting different” and I probably was simply because I wasn’t attracted to him any more.

Between dating Justice and the next guy I did have my first kiss with a girl! She was so pretty with silky black hair in a bob and dark blue eyes and the palest skin. She dressed in rave clothes all the time and sometimes wore fairy wings and cloaks to school. She was delightfully strange but moved to florida I think but we were saying goodbye by the schools front doors and when it was my turn I gave her a tight hug and she turned her face and gave me a kiss and I was just wow kissing girls is so nice. Speaking of girls, I also had a huge crush on president of the anime club. She was so tall and really thin with a few curves, but she was really confident and funny and just made you feel at ease and I could’ve seen myself dating her easily but she was dating someone else but im pretty sure she might have been bi but she graduated and moved to Washington state to be a masseuse.

Next boyfriend was extremely religious and also wanted to get married. I was against getting married so young, really against converting to southern baptism and definitely against having kids. Pregnancy has always freaked me out mostly because I don’t like pain and don’t want to be in pain and in general everything about reproduction freaks me out idk why. But I really wanted him. He had these nice big and rough hands and was so warm all the time. He was also really sweet. But I broke up with him because I couldn’t do the religious thing It was Too Much™.

After dating him though I had this huge crush on this girl a year younger than me in me creative writing class. She was gothic in a very flowery dark fairy type way and I loved it she was also had a huge gay crush on my female friend who I can confirm is very beautiful with long dyed red hair and olive skin and this soft husky voice that would be perfect for a late night radio talk show where you call in about relationship problems. But anyways the girl I had a crush on was named Sage and she was beautiful  with her long blonde hair and her light green eyes and small everything she was very thin like scarily thin she actually had an eating disorder that we tried to help her with and she could reach her hand behind her ribs and grip the bottom of her ribs it was creepy to look at. She wrote beautiful and dark poems and never seemed to mind that my crush took the form of hugging her and resting against her as often as I could. She never seemed interested in me though I think she was actually fatphobic or maybe she was just femme for femme I dunno but I graduated and nev er saw her again so whatever.

After I graduated high school I decided to go to a traditionally womens college. My roommate was ace and like the first openly ace person I had ever met and she was really cool and introduced me to the idea of being ace but at the time I was decidedly bi and later pan once some more friends introduced me to tumblr and I started openly learning about gender and sexuality. All my friends were really hot that I met at college and I probably would have been down to date any of them except for the girl that I met through the anime club who also really liked the anime Hetalia. We could get together and watch episodes and read a variety of fanfictions ranging from family type things to kinky sex shit we were very close and im sure that a lot of people thought we were dating or at least fooling around together. We actually met each other at a Virginia anime convention where the anime club people went in a group and I went separately with some friends from high school (the best part of the experience was the wafflehouse in the hotel parking lot) but me and my friend got together at the con and went back to my groups hotel room to gush over the merch we had found and watch some anime together. I was in a closet cosplay that consisted of booty shorts and tied button up shirt so I had a lot of skin showing and we were sitting on the bed by ourselves until my friends came back and they all thought we had sex like no she was very attractive and had really nice curves but girl needed to shower more often because unfortunately she had a smell to her that I just didn’t like. I think she was interested in dating me but she ended up having financial problems of some sort and couldn’t come back to school the next year.

After she left school I came out as trans and got closer to the core group of the college anime club. They were all really hot except for the vegetarian one but she had a boyfriend and didn’t seem to like me much anyways so whatever. I also dated this one girl in my graduation class for like three days over the summer but she broke up with me because she was again a southern Baptist and couldn’t honestly date a trans person because it somehow went against god or some shit. That person has since come out as trans masculine. But anyways next person I dated was this smoking hot older girl who only wore skirts. She was southern Baptist and straight but I had to try even if I never got to be anything other than her creepy friend who everybody knew had a crush on her. She surprisingly was interested in dating me so we started going out. We went on dates around town to explore and see new stores and went to the park and shit was great we had kisses and cuddles and fun cute dates and sexy times but we also clashed a lot over mostly miscommunication. It didn’t help that I was on a medicine that once I started taking it regularly like I was supposed to my sex drive dropped to nonexistent. We fought over this a few times but still planned to try to get an apartment off campus the next year. I thought she was being too clingy by texting me pretty often that summer. I was in a bad mood all of that summer though. We broke up and got back together over the phone probably at least three times before deciding to break up for good. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together because when we weren’t fighting we had a lot of fun and I told her things I hadn’t told anybody before, I felt safe.

The next person I dated didn’t go so well. This was a friend from the colleges LARP club that also had people from the community or it was a community club that extended to the college kids and just ended up being held on campus but that’s how we met. She had a very butch androgynous look but I just really liked her personality no matter how hot she looked in her leather jacket. So we started off as LARP friends and then I worked up the nerve to ask for her number and just texted her about random things and we ended up talking about how much we both like coffee so that turned into a coffee date at the local dunkin and it was a lot of fun and we had a few more dates like that and things were looking good. A few friends that knew both of us warned me that she didn’t normally go for men but I had talked to her myself and was like that a lie and you don’t know what youre talking about ok so we hung out for a few months going slow and not really relationship dating. Around the time I was thinking of asking her to be a couple my mental health deteriorated and I ended up being hospitalized. I tried calling her once to keep up the habit of talking at night through text since I couldn’t text at the time but I think me being in the “cr*zy ward” freaked her out because 1) the phone call did not go well and was never tried again and 2) once I got out of the hospital I texted her to see if she was interested in picking up where we left off and she shut me down saying she just wanted to be friends. Of course not even a month later I found out that she and the girl I had dated for over a year were now dating. This bothered me for a long time and I was constantly wondering if I was too cr*zy to date somebody or it was because I was trans a whole bunch of self hatred type thoughts. I eventually got over it (mostly)

Then I didn’t date anybody until last year. I started texting my friend Cat from high school (back then we had a very cute James Potter Severus Snape thing going on where the characters were dating but we weren’t) and I learned that they were agender and ace and I thought it over and determined that I was ridiculously attracted to them and didn’t mind being in a nonsexual relationship because at the time I was still pretty sex repulsed myself besides for reading kinky fanfiction and getting myself off every once in a while. So We went on a friends date in the spring to see Zootopia and it was so much fun and they were so cute in their leggings and hoodie with their windblown cropped hair dyed dark red. I asked them if they wanted to date and they said yes so we went on our first official date (a hike up an abandoned walking trail where we both got covered in ticks and I had to stop and stretch out a bad leg cramp, then we got lunch at a cute vegetarian café in town and went to the town park to hang out. We sat in the grass and listened to Florence and the Machine songs and smiled at each other looking cute. We then got milkshakes and learned that we still had ticks on us from the hick and they took me home and gave me a sweet kiss goodbye with the promise of more dates in the future). Over the summer we hung out a lot because they and their mom were moving from the house they had lived in for years to a house a county over and I volunteered to help with the moving of the last few belongings. Maybe 5 trips all together, but it was a good time every day we got to see each other. We would comfortable hang out in their old house packing things up and taking our time and then we would take the forty five minute drive to the new house listening to whatever queer music we could find and save to playlists.  Then we would cuddle on their couch after taking the days moving things inside and find something nice to eat on the way back to my house. I visited their college a few times (another traditionally women’s college) and met their friends who were also agender and queer and very cute people indeed. I enjoyed all the time I spent with Cat. Cat also helped me realize I was leaning more towards being a demiguy than strictly binary trans and that it was okay if I was ace, that sexuality can be fluid. Our relationship was very intimate and domestic and I loved it, especially the tight hugs and long slow kisses I would get each time we met and each time we had to say goodbye. I fell in love with Cat and because we didn’t see each other all the time and there was no pressure to maintain a sexual relationship I felt I could maintain those feelings I had for cat for a long time. We dated up until August of 2017 when they texted me and let me know they felt they were not only agender and asexual but also felt aromantic and would prefer to be platonic as they couldn’t keep up with the demands of a relationship. This devastated me. I took a week off from school to lie at home and let myself deal with the depression this brought. Im over Cat now. I enjoyed what we had but Im happy being friends though our ideas of friendship are different but that’s another textpost entirely.

I recently went to Charlottesville Pride 2017 with my friends that are the couple where I dated both and now they are happily dating each other and one of their other trans friends and it was so much fun. I think the act of getting a bag of free condoms reawakened my sex drive somehow?? Because now I would totally be down to get sex from anybody I was attracted to?? And im attracted to a lot more people than I usually am?? Like it was my friend Ness’s birthday a few weeks ago and she invited the same trans friend that went to pride with us to come and she brought her cousin with her and damn. Her cousin was the cutest and got so drunk like baby no you gotta stop while its still fun. So he’s agender and gave me his Snapchat and Im just…crushing so hard…hes too cute. But also I’ve been talking to people on OKCupid and everyones just so attractive (not the cismen tho neither the hets or gays wanna hit it so fuck em I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life) and all these tumblr people are cute and I wanna date everybody but everybody live like at least three hours away and it makes me sad because nobody seems to wanna try a long distance type thing which I would be up for.

So tl;dr:  if youre reading this and you think im cute, message me and ill tell you what all we could do together  ;)

Im a biromantic greyace chubby transmasculine enby and i like all body types and most personality types lol

[lawless-ladies]

Handy summaries of my molls that I came with just now:

Molly: Born-in-the-wrong-century flapper turned Bond girl who would literally sell you to Satan for a single bottle of wine unless you’re one of her good friends/the Riddler, in which case she will shoot Satan right between the eyes to keep him away from you.

Mousey: Grungey baby doll burden to society who pretends not to be hella clingy and needy and who would totally become a stripper to pay her college bills if she was convinced it would pay enough and could lose enough weight from snacks to fit into a string bikini.

Moth: Soft gardener and seamstress girl who just wants to surround herself with good friends and beautiful things and to avoid creeps who insist on making her feel even grosser about sex and rewriting her life story for her, even if those creeps are her own flesh and blood.

Pauline: Incredibly insecure wannabe actress with expensive tastes and one hell of a Superior Inferiority Complex who desperately wants to be admired and adored and will fall in love with the idea of a person long before she actually knows anything about them.

Anna: Latter-day pinup girl in the loud pop-art colors who will either bake her best friends into a cheesecake sugar coma or beat the shit out of perverts trying to steal her clothes, working for the Riddler again after years of trauma and trying to suppress her fear of being taken advantage of.

Betsy: Both butch and femme not-actually-a-lesbian who loves being on top of the world with all of the fans of her sportscast and all of the people she’s swindled for their last red cent, but just feels lucky to have all of her adopted girls and a roof over her head at the end of the day.

Siren: Goddess in women’s clothing, swaddling passion for the cruelties and powerful females of history, surprising knowledge of Greek mythology, a taste for the finer things and finer people in life, the thrill of chasing the unattainable, and maybe even some genuine love into one silver package.

Pussycat: Pretty-in-pink sentient frosted acid cupcake who loves her boyfriend and adores singing and just wants to be a good little Jewish girl, but also hides switchblades in her mittens, smuggles candy for a mob boss, and desperately wants to kiss a girl and maybe rob a bank.

Chickadee: Obnoxiously cheery crouching moron, hidden badass who’s as quick at the trigger of an umbrella gun as she is with a joke or a giggle, totally not afraid to bring up her past as a young mob boss, but dealing with the daddy issues and fears of failure and betrayal they’ve induced in her.

[dreadhaus-literature]

{A/N} The Reality Is...

I’m surprised at myself for coming to talk about this, but it’s been tumbling around in my head all day and I figured...I might as well.

I disabled my OkCupid profile today. Not deactivated, all I’ll have to do is log back in and it’ll reactivate. But I just...I don’t know. It sounds dramatic to say I’ve given up, but today felt pretty final, for me. I mean I’m 30, so anything is possible and I’m not resigning myself to...what I’ve always said--

That I’ll wind up alone.

It’s ironic. I’m a really loving, affectionate person but I’ve never really been able to express that. My most serious relationship was with a person in a different country. I’ve been single for seven years, and while I knew putting myself back out there wouldn’t be easy...I’m trying to find another way to say “I think there’s something wrong with me,” because it sounds so depressing and down on myself and I’m really not. I think my personality’s pretty swell and I know how to take care of someone so I know I’m good in relationships, especially now that I’ve been through some shit and grown and know myself really well. No, what I mean is...there might actually be something wrong with me.

The reason I disabled my profile is because of this reason. I’ve been on OkCupid for a year and a half? And I’ve met a lot of women and tried on a few for a while, but the same thing always happens--they don’t interest me. I find myself mindlessly answering them so they’ll...shut up and stop talking. There’s something wrong when I’m annoyed by seeing I have a notification, lol. Shouldn’t you be excited to hear from someone? Especially a potential partner? But I never am. And I mean...ever. And I know it’s not a new thing, because it even happened with Lyn. It took her a month of doggedly trying to get my attention before I really stopped to talk to her and give her the time of day.

Real people just do not do it for me, lmao. I’ve been ruined by fantasy. I see a fictional character and I turn into--

Men, women, a monstrosity with no discernible gender or features? Doesn’t matter, I’m game.

But real life, something else entirely happens to me and I can’t explain it. I’ve always been extremely hard for people to get close to and it is not for their lack of trying.

I hate to say this because it sounds so full of myself but I have a really easy time with women. Whether it’s my height or what, but women’s attention actually comes really easy to me. I don’t go looking for likes on OkCupid, but I’ve got hundreds of them from women liking me and initiating conversations with me. I’ve got a dating pool, the problem is I am interested in none of them. They try and message me, talk to me, text me, and the same thing happens! Every time! I wind up ghosting them or leaving them on read because I’m annoyed by the conversation or so bored I can’t keep it up anymore.

This last month or so I’ve really just gotten tired of trying this whole thing out. With me moving, I figured this would just be a “run out the clock” situation and I’d just chitchat with the women who message me and when I get to AZ I’d start really trying to date. But I just...dude. This one girl, Amber--there was nothing wrong with her. I mean, zero attraction on my end, she was very average and did nothing for me but I was fine to chat with her--but she started double, triple, quadruple messaging me without getting a response from me inbetween and for as clingy as I can be, if someone tries that shit with me and I’m not interested that amps my annoyance up to a 10 right away. Don’t cling to me if I’m not interested, I will palm your entire face and just...squeeze. And she was hitting on me and I was not at all into it but I’m...nice, so I try not to be rude about it, I thanked her for the compliments and I admit, I fake stuff a lot. I had a girl get after me about it last year, when I tried giving her a chance so I faked a lot of my responses to try and get over my initial disinterest in...literally everyone and she got mad at me about it. And maybe it is fucked up, idk. I just, it feels rude to not reciprocate it, I’d be embarrassed if it was me so I try and be nice. Besides, it’s not anyone else’s fault I’m like this.

And I really can’t explain it. I just, girls jump into messaging me and it’s immediately all, “hey sexy ;)” and tf am I supposed to say to that? I don’t know you, even if you are hot I don’t jump into shit that fast. I just don’t. It takes time to get me to open my shell and until I do there’s not going to be any genuine interest from me. There just isn’t. And I realized very early on if I don’t fake some shit I’ll never get close enough to someone to find out if there’s something there. Lyn was a perfect example. I fell for her hard as fuck but it took me about two months--if I hadn’t faked reciprocating initially it never would have happened. And while she was a mistake...I just don’t know what to do with myself. I literally never feel genuine interest in people. Monica was the last person I openly pursued because I had a genuine interest to want to get to know her and be close to her. I haven’t felt that in 11 fucking years.

So I don’t think it’s entirely wrong to say something IS wrong with me. Normal people don’t have this issue. I see people falling in love and developing crushes at the snap of a finger. I just...don’t. Can’t? Idfk. There’s something about fantasy and how it slips beneath my shell because it’s safe and I know it’s okay because it’s perfect. Reality is a different story.

There were a couple other girls this past month who really...worked my nerves. Angela was one, this polyamory married bisexual with a boyfriend AND a husband, and typically I don’t engage with poly folks on the app. I’m not into poly IRL, too jealous/possessive/insecure for that but she messaged me and seemed pretty chill and like she just wanted to be friends so I started talking to her. Found out pretty fast she was interested in more and probably because I’m tall so she’s thinking she’ll add a butch to her collection of dudes. Which...was never going to happen. She was pushy, too, which I heavily dislike. I don’t give my number out very often, mostly because I like to ghost on people and it’s easier to do on the app than if someone has my number, but she kept asking and asking (despite me explaining it takes me time to give that out) and finally, a little before my birthday, she messaged me all, “Are you ever going to give me your number?”

I was at work and annoyed so I just gave it to her, and I got kinda shitty in my response, told her I’d explained this to her multiple times but since she was so pressed about it, fine. And she tried to backtrack and said it wasn’t a big deal but it was too late by then. She text me a few times and I left her on read a lot, lmao. Told ya, I get annoyed. She talked about herself incessantly and was honestly hard to converse with. After leaving her on read for a while she messaged me on Friday with, “Haven’t heard from you. Life’s sucked for me lately.”

I left her on read and deleted the message and her number. D-o-n-e.

The other girl I’ve been texting is Diane. I actually broke my mold and messaged her first, because I thought she was a cute little dyke and wanted to get to know her. It’s rare I find someone who interests me enough to message first, but I did reach out to her. She lives in OH, so she’s not super close (Angela actually lives in Fort Wayne but I refused to tell her where I live) and we chatted over the app for a while but I found out pretty quick that the same issue that I have with a lot of women I talk to...also afflicts Diane. It was the same issue I had with Angela. It’s the same issue I have with pretty much every living soul I interact with.

Why can’t people do anything other than talk about themselves?

Seriously, it’s like a goddamn epidemic. No one knows how to have a conversation anymore unless they’re talking about themselves. Diane was fine to tell me all about her work, her hobbies, her preferred hairstyle, etc etc, but very rarely asked me about myself. It became very clear very quickly that she was insecure, which I would be fine with, but she went the wrong way with it. See, some of the women I encounter have this issue where they love the compliments and attention I give them...but they won’t return it. Diane was fine to send me selfies (unprompted, I did not ask for them) and wait for me to talk about them or compliment her but she never asked to see me or for any selfies or anything. She wanted me to make her feel better, to make her feel pretty and wanted, but forgot to return the favor. And for as giving as I can be, if the other person only takes...well, that begins to chafe with me after a while.

She’d rarely comment on things I said, and if I’d ask her things like her favorite food or color, she’d tell me but not ask me for mine. It was a cycle of taking and talking about herself and I haven’t deleted her out of my phone but I woke up today to a selfie and a message from her that the selfie was a “present” for me and deleted it immediately, lmao. You need to take several seats if you’re thinking you’re making my day by sending me a picture of your face when we’ve only been talking a couple weeks. And part of it is my fault. I’ve been faking a lot of our conversation because I have to mask my initial disinterest, but Diane and all these other girls don’t do much to try and get beyond my shell. I don’t even think they realize it’s there...I mean that would require them to talk to me about myself rather than spending hours talking about them.

But they’re not the entire problem. Even the ones who genuinely seem interested in me, i still get bored and move on. The best way I can describe it is honestly a general disinterest. People bore me. Part of it might be my trust issues and the fact that I don’t expect anyone to really care. They just want a soundboard to talk about themselves to. I’m bitter and jaded, I don’t do anything to hide that. I also don’t think I should have to change to adapt to this new “me me me” era where no one cares about the person they’re talking to. I just won’t do it.

Part of me wonders if my imagination and fantasy have ruined me for reality and relationships. I expect to feel something for people, something akin to the love I feel for the characters that I am in love with. I want to feel that and I know I can. I felt it with Lyn...and that might be why I thought she and I were really meant to be together. It was the realest love I’d ever felt in a relationship. My whole life I’ve struggled with having this big, squishy, affectionate heart but there’s this hard outer shell people can’t get around or I can’t push down to let people get around (whether lack of attraction or disinterest or distrust) so I sit here, alone. It’s why I genuinely, since high school, have felt I would end up alone. Lyn and I weren’t so different in that I figured I’d just adopt some kids later on in life, or get pregnant on my own through insemination and just skip the relationship. It does make me a little sad, I want...someone, y’know? I get lonely. I want to feel loved and like someone wants me like I want them and I want to get married and share those experiences. Fantasy life is wonderful and I’ll always have it but I still get in bed alone every night. I can’t even remember my last kiss. And that part bums me out, to think I spent my 20′s pretty much alone and if my 30′s go that way then I really will wind up either alone or alone with kids.

Life’s weird. Part of me is okay with it, I am who I am and while I could totally fake a relationship I don’t want to. I don’t know if I’m waiting for some romantic movie lesbian to come into my life and take my breath and heart away at the same time or if that’s just stupid. If real life doesn’t work that way and I need to fix myself to try and find some...semblance of romance and happiness? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or how to fix it or even if I should. I can’t change how I feel, when interacting with women who are interested in me but I don’t feel anything for any of them. I don’t know who I’m waiting for.

I just hope she finds me.