#he's a giant furry asshole

[bylightofdawn]

Ooooof I am very sleep deprived and have reached that mania level where I know I'm just going to crash at a moment's notice. My fuckhead cat woke me up at 4am demanding food. He starts by plopping his 16 pound heavy ass on my chest with his butt in my face to start. And that's just the beginning of his psychological torture. Then he'll move onto hopping onto my nightstand and knocking stuff off till I shout at him to get off. And he'll move to my dresser across the room and knock stuff off.

Lately, he's figured out he can jump onto the bookcase in the living room which has the tv on it. A tv which is on a stand which is kinda precariously held on to said tv stand and is liable to just fall off if you hit it too hard. And last night's latest trick was him using that to try and pull his cat carrier which is sitting on top of a pile of junk in a corner I never touch because it's loud and noisy. And will prolly fall down on said tv, on the cat and just ruin my fucking night.

This of course is in between him loudly running back and forth from the living room to my bedroom like his tail is on fire. He's an asshole. He knows I will eventually cave to his psychological torture and will feet him so I can just go back to sleep. I fed him some kibble and he KEPT AT IT. This greedy motherfucker wanted MORE FOOD. I am legitimately getting scammed by my own cat like he's a 1920's gangster and I'm some poor schmuck . I'm not I am simply sleep-deprived and this is the shit my tired brain comes up with. It amuses me to picture my cat in a three-piece suit like he's Don Felix D. Cat or some shit.

So I feed him more and he IMMEDIATELY goes to sleep. Do ya'll know the amount of self-control it took for me to NOT constantly poke at him and wake his ass up at random times today? Like, I kinda lowkey want payback even though this is a CAT who doesn't understand complex concepts like revenge and fucking war crimes or yanno the Genova Convention.

But again, sleep-deprived brain. Somehow I survived work, all things considered, it was a slow night for the most part.

I did manage to write some stuff at lunch which was very funny TO ME at the time but yanno...again sleep deprived El maybe isn't the best judge of anything right now. I am definitely feeling floaty right now. Going to try and make it to midnight and might make it an early night so Genji can continue to torture me at 4 am tomorrow.

I know I am only making things worse by catering to his terroristic behavior. But I need to get what sleep my insomniac ass can get to begin with.

I'm seriously debating if a timed feeder is a thing I want to invest in. The problem with that is he's a fat-ass who needs to lose weight. I was free-feeding him for too long and didn't really know I shouldn't be doing that. So he's on a hills science diet weight loss kibble. But aI also fedt him two cans of wet food a day. So realistically he's only supposed to be getting like 100kal of kibble a day which is like maaaaaaaaaaybe 1/3 a cup. I tend to feed him little bits throughout the day rather than like one or two big meals. So he'll get like maybe a tablespoon or so every 4-5 hours depending on how shit is going. I'm not super strong on measuring out and it's working. He's dropped from almost 20 to 16.4 as of last week at the vet in about 7-9 months-ish? It's a process but we are making progress.

I might research and see how little the portions the auto-feeder could do. And watch me spend 100 bucks on it and he get too terrified of it because it makes noise and not even use it.

I don't know, I am so fucking exhausted and loopy right now.

EDIT: Huh looks like auto feeders aren't as crazy expensive as I was assuming. This one on amazon is 40 bucks, can do up to 9 feedings and 10 grams or more. And has an app too. Shit it's 40 bucks, my sanity is worth that much.

We also should not trust sleep-deprived El with a credit card and a Amazon account but WHELP. SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY DADDY BEZOS.

[just-my-latest-hyperfixation]

Hi again! Can't pass the opportunity of suggesting a prompt either ^w^ Thanks so much!

V. "I'm a little disappointed. I expected a bit more of a struggle." for the Vampire / Werewolf AU

Thank you so much! I always love your comments, so I hope this is to your taste as well! ❤️

Leader of the pack

Rated: T

Words: 996

Tags: Vampire & Werewolf AU; Vampire Eddie; Kas!Eddie; Werewolf Steve; Eddie Munson Whump; Jason Carver being an asshole; Blood and violence; Nudity; Eddie is having a bad day

“You know,” the hunter says, and his companions snicker. “I'm a little disappointed. I expected a bit more of a struggle.” 

“Well, what can I say?” Kas retorts. “You have very convincing arguments.” 

He tries to struggle free, but his skin burns at each contact with the net. It’s woven of delicate silver thread. It might as well be made of steel. His grin turns into a pained snarl, lips peeling back to reveal his fangs. 

“You flash those all you want,” the hunter drawls. “You won't be able to for long.” 

“What?” Kas sneers at him. “You gonna kill me? I'm terrified.” 

The hunter smiles sharply.

“Oh, no. I won't kill you yet. I know there's more of you wretched bloodsuckers lurking in the mountains, and you …” One of his hands grabs Kas by the jaw. “You are going to tell me where to find them.” 

Kas snaps at him. The man laughs.

“Patrick,” he says to one of his companions. ��Give me the pliers. Let's see how he likes biting once we pull out his-”

He doesn't get any further. 

Something rustles and before he has a chance to fully turn, a giant, snarling shadow flies out of the darkness and latches on to his throat. 

Kas hits the ground. His skull connects with a rock, and the world descends into a blur of teeth and fur and terrified shouts as more shadows lunge from the forest.

When the fog lifts, the hunters are gone. Their cries mingle with the sounds of howls and snarls in the darkness. 

In front of him, staring at him with eyes like liquid gold, is a giant, furry beast. 

Kas groans, head thunking back against the ground. 

“Fucking mutts.”

The wolf huffs something that might be a laugh. Then, it hunches in on itself and the sound turns into a whine. Kas screws his eyes shut to block out the sight of the shift while the wolf’s pained noises mingle with the crunch and slide of muscles and bones rearranging themselves. 

“The polite thing to say would’ve been thank you. I thought your kind was known for their good manners.” 

When Kas blinks his eyes back open, the wolf is gone. In its place is a young man. His eyes are more hazel than gold, but still sparkling with smug amusement. His hair is the same caramel color as the fur of his other form. 

He’s also bumfuck naked. 

“Yeah, well,” Kas says, “I thought yours was known for keeping your noses out of the affairs of other races.” 

The stranger huffs again. He stands and stretches - a long, graceful ripple of lean muscle - before he twists around to unsling the leather bag strapped to his back. 

“We do, usually,” he says, sitting back on his haunches and rifling through its contents. “However, we tend to take it personal when strangers wander into our territory and hunt down our prey. Animals don't grow on trees, y’know?” 

Kas stares at him, because … what? Surely this is a joke, because who'd say something like that with a straight face? The answer to that question, evidently, is naked wolf boy right here, because he refuses to even crack a grin. 

“Wha-?” is what he finally says. “What animals? I haven't touched any of your precious prey.” 

Wolf boy measures him with a long, doubtful look, like he's trying to figure out whether or not to believe him. Finally, he sighs and pulls his hand from the bag. Glinting between his fingers is a long, jagged knife.

Kas hisses. 

Wolf boy rolls his eyes. “Are you always that dramatic? I was only gonna cut you loose.” 

The knife slices through the thin thread with ridiculous ease, but it still takes a while to free him. Wolf boy needs to be careful to not touch the silver himself, after all - not the easiest of tasks without even a shred of fabric on his body. 

“What’s your name?” 

This must be the most bizarre conversation of his long, tedious un-life, he thinks. Exchanging smalltalk and platitudes with a naked werewolf while being cut out of a hunter’s net. 

“Kas.” 

“Bless you,” wolf boy says. Kas can’t see his face, having turned his back to give him better access to the net there, but he doesn’t need to. He can practically see the dorky grin. “What’s it with you vampires and your stupid, made-up fantasy names, huh?” 

“It’s a question of style, alright?” he grumbles. “Not like I’d expect you to get it. What’s your pack leader called again? Otis?” 

Wolf boy’s hands freeze, but only for a second. Then, the knife gives one final, brisk tug, and Kas can feel the last of the net fall away from his blistered skin. He can’t quite help the relieved sigh that escapes him. 

“Anyhow, it was nice meeting you,” he mumbles, rolling his neck and reveling in the feeling of his powers slowly seeping back in. “Have a nice rest of your life, I guess.” 

“Huh?” Wolf boy asks. “Oh no, you got that wrong. You’re coming with us.” 

Before he even has a chance to ask what that means, something closes around his wrists. This time, the silver is encased in a thick layer of leather, so it doesn’t make his skin blister and burn. It still draws all of his strength right back out, leaving him weak and harmless like a kitten. 

“What the actual fuck?” he snarls as wolf boy hoists him to his feet. “Who the hell do you think you are?” 

“Funny that you should mention grandpa Otis,” wolf boy says merrily. “He’s been dead for ten years. My name’s Steve, by the way. Sorry if it’s not fancy enough for your taste. Come on now, I hate making my pack wait.”

Kas is powerless to resist as he grabs him by the elbow and walks him towards the myriad of glowing eyes staring at them from the treeline. 

More celebration ficlets

Steve said "I'm the alpha" 😅

Part 2

[transsongtaewon]

"Hey, Hamin."

Yoojin is sitting slumped in a beaten up garden chair, fiddling with his lighter. He can't smoke in here but there isn't anywhere to sit outside and he really can't stand that long today. Go figure.

"Hm?" Do Hamin is sitting on an equally beaten up chair, guzzling a mana potion. He's had to actually do his job today for once and is very unhappy about it.

Not that Yoojin is any happier, he can already tell it's going to rain later by the pain crawling up and down his leg, and he'll need to be on public transport for at least another hour to get to his flat. Hamin will have to cope with being his distraction from misery.

"How do you even become a furry?"

Hamin chokes on his potion, clearly expecting anything but that. "What?!"

"Oh come on, don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about. I've slept at your place before." It was a deeply disturbing experience to get up at three in the morning for a piss only to stumble across a giant hamster head. Yoojin almost died of a heart attack before he figured out what that thing was.

Hamin is red in the face, partially from embarrassment and partially from breathing in potion.

"How do you get into anything? You see it around and think it sounds kind of fun, I guess."

Yoojin shifts in his seat, trying to find a position that isn't immensely painful. "Yeah but like specifically. You don't go from 'nice art' or whatever to the whole, uh-" He waves his hand in the air.

"Fursuit?"

"Yeah, that. I mean, there have to be steps in between, right? Those things look fucking expensive."

Hamin sighs, apparently resigned to being Yoojin's Furry Insider. "They are. Bought or self made."

"Wait, you made that yourself?"

"Mhm, took fucking ages. But worth it for Hammie."

"Hammie?"

"My fursona."

Yoojin clicks his lighter open and shut again. "That's a nice name."

Hamin scoffs. "You don't have to pretend to be nice, I can hear you're judging me."

"No, no!" He is. "I think it's nice you're having fun and stuff."

"You just wouldn't get it."

"That's why I'm asking, I don't know what there is to get."

"I don't know what to tell you, it's just fun. The art, the lore, the community. No idea what else you want from me." He shrugs.

They sit in silence for a bit, Yoojin chewing on his lip. Surely, if he only pulls off all the dead skin, what stays behind will be soft and nice.

"So, about the porn."

"I hate you sometimes, you know that?"

"Get in line. But about the porn."

"What about the porn?"

"Just. Are you into it?"

"You're horrible. Why do I even talk to you. No, not personally. A lot of the art is really good though, can't scoff at that."

"I don't know, I don't love the cartoon style."

Hamin rolls his eyes. "You're not even a furry, how would you know what there is to appreciate?"

"Are you gonna show me?"

"And have you laugh at me? As if." Hamin whisks his empty potion bottle away, back inside the inventory, and gets up to dig a bottle of beer out of the mini-fridge he has in his office. The true height of classiness. "Want some?"

"Yeah." Yoojin pulls out his keys to open the bottles with the edge. "I wouldn't laugh at you, I'd just appreciate the artistry."

"Right, and pigs can fly."

"I'm sure there's some flying pig furries. Not that I'd know, because you refuse to share."

Hamin lets out a deep, beleaguered sigh. "If you want you can come to a furcon with me next month. But only if you promise to be nice."

"Really? I'm always nice! How much are the tickets?"

"Like seventyfive thousand won."

"Oh god. Sorry, I don't think I can become a furry anymore."

"That's what I thought, asshole."

Written for Sctir Pride Week Day 4: Free Day

[welcometowhore-rrorville]

𝓢𝓵𝓪𝓼𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓼 𝓪𝓼 𝓐𝓷𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓵𝓼

Featuring: Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Brahms Heelshire, Michael Myers, Bubba Sawyer, Bo Sinclair, Vincent Sinclair 

Word Count: 1.1k

Warnings: mentions of animal death (minor, in Michael’s part), slashers as animals being assholes, just general fun headcanons, no cat or dog because I always see them as cats and dogs and wanted to mix it up

-

Freddy Krueger

Some sort of bird

Probably a Conure that lost his feathers in some sort of fire

Is an asshole

And is smart enough to mock you

Will wake you up by biting your nose

Always escapes his enclosure

Can no longer fly but will manage to get up on counters and on top of your fridge anyway

Has overgrown talons and will use them for violence

Do not bring any company over

Very rarely will calm down and nestle against your chest during movie nights

But then bite you and saunter off

Jason Voorhees

Reticulated Python

Has unique scale markings on his face that resemble a hockey mask

Is huge

And usually lurks in the corner of his massive enclosure under a hide

He’ll come out at night and explore the area, and eventually figures out away to escape and roam around at night

The first time he does this you have a heart attack

He’s a massive snake

And who knows where he’s at right now?

You fear for any rodents that might be lurking

But when you find him he’s slowly but surely slithering across the living room floor, tongue flicking in curiosity

He’s a gentle giant around you

Not a fan of house guests and will actively try to escape his enclosure to scare them off

Will tolerate being picked up by you for short stretches of time

Lucky for him picking up a massive snake is no easy task

He likes to make himself comfortable on your couch and slither on top of your head to rest himself there and stare at the tv

He’s never tried to strike at you and only accidently takes your breath away when he’s trying to adjust himself in your grasp

It’s not his fault his a big boy and also consists of 99% muscle

Brahms Heelshire

Mouse

Has a massive enclosure you put together so he has more than enough space to make himself at home

Doesn’t use his hide and instead climbs in between his hide and the cage wall and nestles himself there

Loves nestling into cramped spaces

Will make random piles of bedding and hide food within them

Only comes out when you’re not home for the first few weeks

Eventually comes out when you have a treat for him

It takes a while for him to become used to you enough for you to pick him up

He’s pretty big for a mouse

and really hairy, with lots of curls all over his furry body

Will wrap his tail around your wrist for balance

Likes to nestle against the back of your neck and the collar of your shirt

Will sit there for hours and watch as you do every day tasks

Just let him down for bathroom breaks

Like everyone else, doesn’t like strangers and will bite them or scratch them if able

Michael Myers

Rat

The most massive rodent you’ve ever seen

Will never stay in his enclosure

Ever

You never see him eat or drink or anything 

He just wanders your house and occasionally gnaws on things

Has massive front teeth and claws

Has various scratches and missing fur patches on his body

Never makes a noise

Will kill any rodent or insect crawling around your house

Just leaves the body there for you to find

Will very rarely lay in your bed, at the very edge, only half asleep

Doesn’t like being touched

Or caged

At this point he owns the place and you just pay rent

Will seriously injure house guests

And anybody who comes near the front door

Has bit you a few times

You still have scars

But you can’t figure out how to get rid of him so he stays

Bubba Sawyer 

Tiger Oscar Cichlid 

He is in a tank by himself after he cannibalized all of your other cichlids

He is massive

And even in the largest tank you could find he has some trouble turning around

Will eat anything and everything dropped into the tank

He’s got some missing scales, especially around his mouth and eyes

He’ll chase your finger if you put it against the glass and move it around

Has jumped out of the tank on multiple occasions even with the lid clipped shut

As soon as he sees his food he splashes out of the water and hits the top of the lid with a loud thump

When you scrub the algae off the tank he’s always right next to you, bumping your hand and arm

Weirdly enough, likes pets

Will keep bumping your arm until you run a hand down his side

You know it’s not good for a fish’s slime coat to do that

But it’s the only way to keep him calm long enough to scrub away the algae

You have to put him in your bathtub when it’s time to deep clean the tank

Refused to get in a bucket

You had to carry him--wet and slimy and flopping around in your arms

Any time you have company he always stares at them and occasionally bumps his head against the lid of the tank

People are mostly scared of the giant fish and don’t come over much

Bo Sinclair

Bearded Dragon

He will not quit head-bobbing at his own reflection in the glass

Very territorial

Has a very pretty scale pattern

Will bite you

Not hard

But you can tell he’s annoyed with you

He doesn’t like being in his tank much

Prefers to hang out on the kitchen counter and bask in the sunlight coming in through the window

It’s not like you can explain he needs the lights in his enclosure to get his vitamin D

Will also sit outside on the porch with you

Only eats worms

He will not bother to eat crickets when he knows you have food that doesn’t run around

You usually throw in a few crickets anyway

Also not a fan of salads 

You have to hand feed him each piece of leafy green or else he will not eat it

He’s spoiled

Will throw fits and knock over stuff in his enclosure until you let him have some outside time

Likes lounging on the couch with you

Also likes when you pet his head

Climbs in your shirt and stays there

Vincent Sinclair

Chameleon

Very big and gangly

Turns some really pretty colors when out in the open

Mainly stays up in the branches in his enclosure, blended into the greenery

You don’t see him often

Likes peace and quiet

Doesn’t like being held or touched

He rarely spends time on the ground of his enclosure, save for when he has to climb down to eat food

You leave the door to his enclosure open sometimes and he pokes his head out to look around before going back inside

He doesn’t do much besides mimic the colors in your room

After a while of having him you’ve managed to get him used to being held for short periods of time

Will nestle in your hair or behind your neck

Do not leave him in an open space with no hiding spots or he will freak

[number-one-fan-of-doktor]

Kink-Your-Tober Day 31: Knotting

(This one is extra long, to celebrate end of Kinktober!)

Ludwig gasped when his back hit the ground. Two large paws bracketed him on either side of his head. A large maw leant over him, snarling, while a wet, black nose pressed against his neck.

The moon shone full above him, and for a brief moment Ludwig thought he was looking at the sun, for it shone so big and bright upon the battlefield. The din of the fighting was growing quieter, the breeze was growing colder, and a beast sniffed at his neck.

“You smell… so good…” Mikhail huffed, rutting against his husband’s hip. The monstrous size of his body only proved to arouse Ludwig more, his cock chubbing up between his legs.

It wasn't often that Ludwig had the chance to fuck a werebeast. Especially not one of Mikhail's size, dressed in nothing but that silly bullet sash of his. It had stretched with his transformation, rather than tearing and ripping, falling off his body in rivers of cloth as his full, monstrous visage was revealed.

“Are you… going to eat me?” Ludwig gulped, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. Misha was truly living up to his name, but there was still that familiar intelligence within his eyes. His body wasn’t fully bear, but it was furry all over and his elongated muzzle left much to be desired. How was Ludwig supposed to kiss him with all those teeth?

“I will ravish you.” Mikhail growled, grabbing a hold of Ludwig’s hip with one massive, humanoid paw. The doktor felt those thick, sharpened claws dig into his body, a reminder of just how much strength dwelt in Mikhail’s new, animalistic form.

His (for now) werebear husband slid a claw down his chest, splitting his shirt open at the seams, then shoved his nose straight into the centre of Ludwig’s tits. The rutting against his hip sped up as Mikhail took in a long, deep breath. Drool dripped from his jaws and coated the hair on Ludwig’s sternum, and for one perfect, delicious second, he really did think Mikhail might eat him.

But then his teeth clamped around the waistband of Ludwig’s jodhpurs, and he pulled. Ludwig’s skin met the cold, Autumn air, before a thick dick pushed into him.

Ludwig gasped when he was breached. He choked out a feeble moan at the stretch. It felt physically impossible how wide Mikhail was, how girthy his monstrous penis was, compared to his usual human size. If there was anything that could possibly kill him, Ludwig feared it might be this huge dick, and wasn’t that just an ironic way for him to die?

“Are you going to fuck me, Kuschelbär?” He was breathless already, and Mikhail hadn’t even began thrusting.

Thick, muscular arms wrapped around him, swaddling him up like a blanket. The fur on Mikhail's belly rubbed against Ludwig’s torso, the fur on his arms rubbed against Ludwig's back, and the fur on his crotch tickled the insides of Ludwig's thighs. So utterly enclosed in Mikhail’s arms as he was, unable to move even an inch, ludwig had never felt safer. And when the beast began to thrust, Ludwig could hardly think about anything else but the furred giant taking up every single one of his senses.

Mikhail’s warm breaths puffed against his ear, and he was grunting as he fed the forming knot at the base of his dick further into Ludwig’s asshole, “Take all of me, doktor. All of me.” The stretch was painful, beyond the capabilities of the human body. But it felt divine, Ludwig feeling as if he was about to cum himself to death, and then ascend as the saint of sex, science, and monsterfuckers.

The knot just kept going, digging in deeper and deeper until it finally slipped past that ring of muscle, blocking him off from the rest of the world with its size. As Mikhail flooded his insides, he felt the hot seed shoot through his guts, burning him until he thought he could breath fire. His belly grew to twice its regular size, pressing up against Mikhail’s crotch, and his body ached from the overwhelming amount of cum inside of him. And yet, he had never felt so comfortable, so safe and protected as he was, as Mikhail's body slackened but kept its hold on him.

“Doktor is alright?” Mikhail panted, not even trying to pull his dick out. Ludwig's hole had clench around his base in an almost painful way, his insides thoroughly plugged by the knot.

Ludwig nodded, feeling light headed, “Good zhing I’m used to taking big loads, ja? Ve are stuck here now, aren’t ve?”

Mikhail nodded back, sweat matting down the fur around his muzzle, “Да. We are.”

“Better you zhan anyone else.” Ludwig sighed, running his fingers over Misha's fluffy, round ears. They flicked at his hands, that great, beastly head shaking gently to dislodge him.

Mikhail growled, his tongue sticking out past his front teeth, “I can still eat you. Stop tickling me.”

“You von’t, you love me too much!”

Mikhail huffed as Ludwig laughed at him, “And respawn is on anyway.” He lay his great bulk down atop his much smaller husband, careful not to jostle his stretched asshole. Or his wonderfully full and round tummy.

“Exactly!” Ludwig giggled, latching onto his bear. Why couldn't Misha be so fluffy year round? It was lovely! He smelled the same way he always did, but the texture of his fur reminded Ludwig of a blanket, and his new weight felt so lovely.

A claw raked down his side, making him giggle even harder, “Might get you unstuck from me.” That wet, black nose went back to nuzzling at his neck again, pulling loud and excited laughs from the doktor. It made the cum in his belly slosh around, and Ludwig was almost ready for round two.

“Misha!”

Misha chuckled, then licked the side of his head, “Sorry... I love you, doktor.”

Ludwig panted, his face flushed as he smiled sweetly up at his husband. He already saw clumps of fur falling out of his muzzle, Misha's ears and teeth growing smaller as the magic seeped out of his body. The clock struck 12 to mark the start of November, and the cum gushed out of him like from a broken dam, spilling out all over Mikhail's legs.

“I love you too.” Ludwig whispered, pulling Mikhail in for a proper kiss. And wasn't that just the perfect ending to a very eventful October? Here's hoping for one as good as this next year.

++++

"Vhat do you zhink werebear pups vould look like?"

"Doktor??"

[mysticalbirdkoala]

So,

Long ass post about why I'm so insane over toddosuba. Disclaimer- I just stoped reading re zero at moment where subaru got turned into a childe, but also know that todd is a werewolf. So I'm going to be delusional about them.

so imagine you lost and scared and you nearly drowned, and now you treated by some asshole, and that asshole deciding kill you or not. But here other guy, and he's trying to help you, and generally very friendly and nice, isn't it cool? Yeah you still your situation is incredibly shitty, and That asshole still practically bulling you, but at least there's something good, right? That friendly guy, with so friendly and joyful smile. And you genuinely trying to help him, because it would be fair. And then you learn that he's actually kinda insane. And you kiiiiinda helped him in killing people. But, you got killed by one of survivors, and you have second try, you just need to not fuck this up right?

And there's is start for my brainrot, because. Well. Subaru. Kinda fucked this up, by doing very natural thing from HIS point of view. But not from Todd's point of view.

it was so natural for subaru to act this way in this situation but yeah. Interesting that, subaru have many. Moments like that, that makes his suspicious as fuck, and sometimes other just shrug it off, but sometimes that's what's get him in trouble (arc 2, a couple of moments in arc 3, and whole mess that was in one lope in arc 4. With garfiel).

But THAT'S were it's getting interesting, because subaru only half understand that he's given a role to play. and he's sure trying to play

He's trying role of some selfish coward, who doesn't care about anything but himself. Which is interesting, when you consider. The fucking entire plot of re zero. (But also how many times he called himself selfish too-)

and todd believes him. In that at least. But then subaru just lured him and other soldiers into giant fucking snake. Todd survived and we got one of the hellish couple of chapters where subaru got killed by him in various horrible ways.

Until subaru does something so incredibly sexy of him. Because he's actually smart, and a very good listener

Todd got him another role to play. Because todd sees himself in subaru and isn't that a delicious dynamic. Something dangerous, who would kill anybody if needed, a threat. Everything that subaru is not (...for the most part). That role is reason of whole this mess but ironically also his only chance of survival. So, again, he's playing this role

it's almost was a little funny (not so for todd, because logically subaru shouldn't know about him).

Their dynamic ideally described here:

To subaru it's a new enemy, who he made himself, to todd he's mirror of himself, and they adapting and learning in hope to overpower each other, and isn't it kinda beautiful? (In very very fucked up way)

Also. What was all that interactions in That chapter

What. What was All Of That.

And also:

They terrified to each other, and trying to fight just to survive from their point of view, and that messed up beautiful dance of death was fUCKED UP BY TEPPEI TURNING SUBARU INTO A CHILD-

Sorry. But yeah. Also I wanted to write how beautiful it is that they both just humans but. Todd is a fucking werewolf. Which is bringing another bit of spice to them because:

Todd you literally can shred him to pieces. You already was doing it with your axe

Please listen "howl" by florence and the machine. You'll see my point.

I'm not going to make a furry joke But- [gunshot]

So. Yeah.

[yellowocaballero]

milagro!!! i LOVE GL!milagro stuff. is guy still the first GL she meets? i am v curious what his story (and john’s) ends up looking like in this au in general, but my first exposure to him was in jaime’s bb run so i’m hoping that pseudo mentorship still exists here somehow

IS!! THAT!! A GIANT!! GREEN!! FIST!!

Green Lantern Milagro is the most god-tier take and we need to return to it. My "Kyle rebuilds the GLC to be woke and Milagro is the most feral Lantern" idea is actually super old - I think it's in the Reverse Robins Universe, in some unpublished stories - but it's still good. Let the furries make the judicial system. Do it. Let them free.

Let's say:

Guy Gardner was the second Green Lantern on Earth. Everything that Hal was, Guy is not. He's a hothead, meathead, go-getting action hero wannabe who has to be the biggest, the best, and the strongest. He's abrasive, selfish, mean, and short-sighted.

Guy Gardner is exactly like Hal Jordan: an All-American hero, angry and rude in a way that his colleague John Stewart could never get away with. He's part of the NRA and thinks Trump has some points. Too wimpy to make a good President, though. Give him a President who can last five minutes in the ring with Guy Gardner!

Despite his differences with the more professional and cool-headed Hal, he was shocked and horrified at Coast City's destruction. Where other heroes expressed sympathies and turned away in discomfort with his overwhelming pain, Guy stayed with him. He doesn't like to spread it around, but he's a registered school councilor - doubled with his middle school gym teacher thing - and he stayed at Hal's side through his grief as long as Hal let him.

When Hal disappeared, Guy was the one who knew in his heart that he had killed himself. He had been expecting it.

He had not been expecting his ring to break.

Guy loses it all. His power, his respect. He can't go back to who he used to be. He's not a gym teacher or school counselor anymore. He's Guy Gardner. You can't ask Guy Gardner to be a civvie.

The only thing he keeps is his Justice League International membership. He wanted to quit, but his friends (family, but none of them would admit it) needed him to stay. They had already lost the second Blue Beetle so recently, and they can't lose anybody else. Booster Gold's grieving his husband too. In that way, in some way, Guy's still needed. Guy has to be needed. But Guy has to be a hero too, and he feels like he's dying slowly by degrees in powerlessness.

Then Booster calls the JLI, drunk as a skunk and deep in a panic, saying that there's this kid in El Paso running around with Dan Garret's scarab in his SPINE, how did this even HAPPEN, how did he get it WORKING, where the hell is TED - Ted's dead, he's still dead, what the FUCK do we do, he's a baby he's gonna DIE TOO, everyone's gonna DIE -

A gym teacher and licensed counselor knocks on he door of a house in El Paso.

Booster was right. Jaime Reyes is a snot-nosed kid who's getting his ass kicked up and down to Sunday in every fight, and either he's gonna get himself killed or he's gonna blow up the city. Nobody else but the JLI ever gave a shit about Ted, and nobody's gonna give a shit about this kid with an orphaned legacy. He needs a personal trainer and mentor and he needs one right now. Jaime Reyes needs a hero, even a washed up old asshole like Guy Gardner.

And his little sister throws a heck of a punch. Oh, Guy is keeping Milagro. She's learning boxing!

An asshole, shallow kid enters the scene. A new ring appears. The last Green Lantern disappears to find the truth. Guy leads his own life. It's not like his old one, but it's good. That kid Jaime's become a good hero, and his little sister is the coolest kid on the planet. A Trumper on the street says something shitty to Jaime and Milagro about illegals and Guy lands on him the signature Guy Gardner punch. Trump's an asshole idiot, anyway. Next time, Milagro lands the signature punch. She has learned well.

A young man returns. A truth is told. A fucked up orange ring is on Guy's finger. And now he'll have to learn how to be a hero all over again.

The orange ring isn't powered by bravery and willpower. It's powered by greed. It's a greedy, cruel ring. It's mean. But Guy's pretty greedy too. And Guy's a mean son of a bitch.

Guy Gardner is the first Orange Lantern. And he's everything Hal Jordan is not: a man with a voracious need to protect and help. A man with an endless appetite for love, and to give love. A school counselor, and a mentor to some pretty nifty kids. Guy can never get enough of being a hero. He'll never stop. And he'll always help.

Because he's Guy fucking Gardner!

[deadrayg2mf]

Dead Ray's Nightmare Gauntlet: Melanie Nyx

I don't even know where to fucking start with this review. I knew going into this that I was in for a bad time. I was just unaware how bad of a time... "Never judge a book by its cover!" Well, I should have, and harshly at that. This won't be a long text post of my written-out thoughts and summary like the other reviews as this is a six for one since all the books are generally less than 30 pages (the longer ones are the ones with three books crammed into one) so I will just list them from worst to best with bulleted points, but to start; a small list of things that spanned all the books.

All dicks that are not tentacles are as long as the female leads forearm and as thick as her wrist.

The use of "virgin asshole."

Saying the dick or tongue reached places previously untouched.

Juices running down thighs and into ass cracks.

Different, but ultimately, the best tasting cum to exist. (TBH it all sounded like it would send me running to the bathroom as fast as a glass of milk)

Mind control??? Like there has to be??? I simply cannot be convinced that upon laying their eyes on, what appears to be the average size, a giant dick all of a sudden, each female lead is down to clown.

Badly and shortly written smut, all bad porno scripts, like really bad, I'm talking even bad porn producers would throw these in the reject pile.

Reigned In by the Reindeer Man 0/10

Trigger warning for attempted sexual assault and overall, general nasty man.

Starts out with her in what I wish wasn't a common situation for woman but, unfortunately, most definitely is with a disgusting man being disgusting towards her

Pervy Santa she works with gets aggressive, chases her through the mall attempting to assault her, she runs out into traffic and almost gets hit by a truck (truck-kun almost coming in for that isekai save)

Oh Whoa, she gets whisked away by something furry and antlered

It's Blitzen

but like

a ten-foot-tall, super muscular and humanoid Blitzen

You'll never guess how huge his dick is, because it is out and demanding

Would have definitely dubbed this a noncon situation if, at the very last second, she hadn't decided that giant deer dick was worth getting a taste of

Blitzen's cum tastes like all the best parts of Christmas if you were wondering

He also goes down like a champ, and plows like a champ, just an absolute beast in the sheets (◔_◔)

Laughed at the line "you invoked the Santa"

Blitzen does take offence to being called Vixen - he's kind of a douche tbh

Bad

Given to the Groundhog God 0/10

Trigger warning for potential pedophilia and rape being an aspect

A smutty, fantasy Hunger Games rip?

That line about odds being in favors is pretty fucking close

And the whole drawing names until your 18 and free from the selection

Um

Pedophilia?

Maybe?

Definitely nothing is said to not make this potential claim invalid

It says that woman are in danger for their first 18 years from getting their names drawn

And later the Groundhog God makes it clear he's gotta bone 'em to get their life force

I think

Crime was committed

If not pedophilia, definitely rape

So... disgusting, all the crime ones get 0's

She volunteers for her sister whose name gets drawn and goes for her (female lead is 21) to the Groundhog God

Oh, btw, it's fucking groundhogs day :|

She is entranced by his groundhog god dick

Turns out she's his mate (thank god he doesn't have to take any kids to fuck ever again)

She turns into a furry groundhog lady

Gag me with a spoon

Lusty Lost Souls 1/10

Girl who had three boyfriends who all tragically died on their way to a high school dance is facing her fears and returning to hometown ten years later

Oop, former classmate wants to kill her cause she still blames her for their deaths

BOOM, dead, how? They're ghosts or fog monsters or something along those lines

Now that main girl is back in town their all riled up and ready to get back in the sheets with her/protect her from the people trying to kill her

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to kill the main girl, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice

Anyways, after the second attempt made by former classmate who was in love with her, the boys make their appearance (this is the end of the book btw)

They then have a steamy (foggy?) fuck session and her old high school best friend watches from the sidelines but really just see's fog envelope the main girl and then all of a sudden she disappears forever

Not sure if she like died and also turned into fog or what happened there

It was boring

Tentacle Games 1.5/10

Just a horny squid games rip

Three books in one

They all sucked

This televised event where people compete for money but if they fuck up they get dragged off by tentacles

If you pay a subscription you get to see what happens backstage ╮ (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) ╭

It's sex... they get fucked by the tentacles

That's it...

The third book is the scientist who created the horny tentacle monster getting fucked by one

The other two are just contestants on the show (losers)

Shout out to the size queen in the second one... though size isn't exactly hard to come by in any of these books :|

Groped by the Grinch 1.5/10

Her name is Holly Jolly

The Grinch is an invisible being that just gropes people probably

She can see him because she harbors true holiday cheer

Canon mind control in this one, but the Grinch chooses to seduce her the old fashioned way

By taking her clothes off and rubbing his giant grinch dick on her

At least this one has embellishments

There's Christmas lights under the skin and they spin when he gets real jazzed

The Grinch is ripped, absolutely shredded, complete babe magnet (if they could see him)

Ass of a god

Missed the chance for the perfect rip from the movie with the lines "You're the... the... the" "the, the, the, the Grinch!"

Absolutely wasted opportunity (but if you can get sued for that then I get it)

Also has Christmas cum but not the same as Blitzens'

The first, and possibly only, one we get a kiss in I think?

How romantic of Mr. Grinch

It was bad, still really really bad, but better than some

Seduced by Santa's Elves 2/10

Literally had to google the title to make sure I got it right and the 5th search result was pornhub (・_・ヾ

Jumped the gun and messaged multiple friends that this book was Santa getting cucked by Mrs. Clause and his elves

Was incorrect, kinda

Santa did get cucked by Mrs. Clause BUT it was with the easter bunny and the female lead of this is actually his sister

So, Santa leaves to go deliver Christmas presents, Mary, the lead, goes to her room to get frisky with her toys and Christmas themed porn that does not involve images of her brother (apparently hard to come by - someone direct her to previously listed Christmas books)

Dildo, hilt deep, oh what's that? Mary feels her breast get fondled?

Elf

Three elves, eventually; Bowie, Snowie, and Tinsel

Don't worry, their names are unimportant because not even the author could keep track of them

In one paragraph, Bowie's getting head, Snowie's going for that virgin ass, and Tinsel has touched places previously untouched with, you guessed it, a ginormous dick

In the next? Bowie is balls deep, Tinsel is at the back door, and Snowie is suddenly restricting her air space...

Literally consecutive paragraphs

Honestly, the dick size is unprecedented and frankly uncanny for these being three-foot-tall furry gremlin like things that are not at all reminiscent of the cover image

They also have Christmas cum... but not like Blitzens or the Grinch

BTW they have her bound and hanging above her bed with curtains

The only male characters who aren't shredded beefcakes?

Maybe the author just missed her chance at getting Mary to lick Snowie's washboard abs

Call me a scrouge but this fucking sucked

Amityville Tentacles: The Series 2.5/10

Another three books in one, but all revolving around a central point

A house that has a tentacle demon in it and it must fuck

Honestly, did not mind the first one

Not the most offensive thing I'd ever read

The second one was also fine?

They each had like some sort of backstory that I could live with

The third one was the worst

They are obviously mindless stories revolving around the smut aspect

Inherently, that makes them pretty bad

But the smut in these ones was much better than the previous books listed

My head did not hurt reading this

I can live with the fact that this exists

Seduced by the Pumpkin King 3.5/10

Sue me

I actually liked this one

Enough that I was like...

Flesh it out? Write it better? Give us more plot and backstory?

I'd read it again if these conditions were met

Main girl finds boyfriend cheating on her, somehow gets lost on her way home, ends up in this town and asks for help, the towns people chase her into the woods as a sacrifice for the dark one

I think that's what they called him

He's the king of nightmares and is just a super tall, super ripped, pumpkin-headed bloke

TBH, was into him

He was nice and I think he had a good design for a monster

His forearm length, wrist thick dick also had embellishments

He had little vines that wrapped around it

I'd fuck him (shakes my head with my silly little ace/aro lies teehee)

They ended up married

Short, simple, kind of cute little story

Still not great, but the best out of a bad bunch

I won't even get into the other story of Melanie Nyx's that I read, it's the giant skeleton one that can be found on the list of "books that belong in jail" list from tik tok. I did read it, and my poor, sweet, innocent friend, who watches as I drown in a suffering of my own creation, had to open the multiple snapchat videos (sent at 1 am) of me lamenting and begging for me to never commit to a bit like this again due to the horrors and atrocities I made my stupid little brain compute. I will warn, if you choose to dip your toe in this forbidden pool of trash, it is noncon and just plain bad.

Overall, don't fuckin read these. It's absolute trash and I hate myself for making me do this.

Will I ever do another nightmare gauntlet again? I don't know... I was dubbed a masochist for going through with this and while I am a glutton for punishment, I did also feel my soul leaving my body on many occasions. When I look in the mirror now, I see a broken person... which isn't much different than before but like, the light in my eyes has died just that much more.

Would I read again? Not in this life or the next or the one after that or any again.

Would I recommend? Read this post and ask me that again, look me in my cold, dead eyes and think it through. Please for the love of it all spare yourself from this

[merklins]

Fine. The Furry Roster, part 1 of however many parts it takes: All the Gordons are cephalopods. Reasoning: Freeman's deep sea thing + Swap's tentacles + Doc is strange and bizarre + Freeman compares Loverboy to a cuttlefish in Act 1 + Literal Actual Octopus "Gordon". Freeman/Storyteller: Architeuthis/Giant Squid Swap/Overlord: Vampire Squid (they're really weird AND the vampire thing) Doc/Hypnos: Firefly Squid (those fuckers GLOW) Player/Power Trip: Blue-Ringed Octopus (chill but also dangerous) Gordon B/Leading Light: Cuttlefish Seven/Last Resort Gordon: Giant Pacific Octopus Worldstop crew: Malcom Challender: Unicorn (something something his ability to manipulate Source seemed magical to the AI? Really it's just because our Malcom fictive has a ponysona but no actual fursona) Darnold: Pitbull (seen as aggressive but tend to be sweethearts; very loyal) Benrey/"Forzen": Blue dragon sea slug / garden snail (Benrey is a slug, but his Forzen disguise is quite literally him retreating into his shell) Y2KVR crew: Benrey (also Loveletters Benrey): Heterometris spinifer/Giant blue scorpion (for obvious reasons + they're blue) Spork (also Valentine): African Gray Parrot (They're smart as FUCK) Coomer/Lovetap: Mantis shrimp Bubby/Dr. Feelgood: Fire salamander Forzen/DJ Heartbeat: Mongolian death worm (this is not a real animal, however, they are supposedly attracted by rhythmic thumping similar to a heavy bass beat) Darnold/Smooth Operator: Cinnabar chanterelle (yes, the mushroom. Consider the emails to be similar to the mycelial network. I know this is getting weird. It will get weirder.) Tommy/I Don't Remember His Lovecore Name: Common crow The Restrictor: Raven (Half-Life G-Man is associated with ravens sometimes)

More will come soon.

"blackmailbutler asked:

Furry Roster Part 2 Of Something:

Admins: Admin C: Tri-color Monitor Lizard G-Man: Komodo Dragon Da Boss: Blue Poison Dart Frog Admin F: Blue jay (Like a blue jay, most of his aggression is a bluff; he's loud and abrasive, but doesn't actually want to fight) Admin P: Praying Mantis (green and can sort of punch things) Admin Darnold (he is mentioned one time in Act 1): Clownfish (orange + Darnold is mentioned to have been taking care of Joshua, which made us think of Finding Nemo because of the whole parental figure thing? Mostly going on vibes because we know nothing of him.)

Mad Science Team: Sleepless: Canada Goose (Acts like an asshole most of the time + Canada + probably loud as fuck) Harold: Protogen (it's MY furry AU and *I* get to choose the species. AND Protogens are COOL) Electrobubby: Electric eel (duh) Politerey: Duck (mostly because we are a Benrey and Forzen siblings truther) Project Coolatta: Lace Monitor Lizard The Old Man: Lace Monitor Lizard (they're monitors to call back to a certain other father-son duo, but unlike GVRV and C, they're the same species to represent them NOT being estranged)

Merch Team/The Last Resort: The Party Pontiff: Mantis shrimp Wheels: Okay so you know how people make anthro planes? That but a Greyhound bus. Yes he still drives an actual bus. I told you last ask that it'd get weirder! Tommy Bahama: Marine iguana (He does the beach tour IIRC. Plus I wanted him to be a lizard like some of the other Tommies.) Dr. Perky: Golden orbweaver (laser grid = spiderwebs, plus golden/orange color scheme) The Bellhop: Tropical leatherleaf slug (Vibes only. Plus he can retract one of his eyestalks to fit the one-eyed thing.)

???: Barney Calhoun: Harbor Seal Alyx Vance: Leopard/Deer (based on our pre-existing furry!Alyx. Eli is a deer, and she wears a little headband with some of his shed antlers on it.) Capital M: Changeling (think MLP. What do you mean that's just the ponysona that I got assigned by the system. I don't know what you're talking about.)"

----

me time answer time (:

OH MY YOU ACTUALLY DID IT. YOU ACTUALLY HAD THEM ALL. AND!! THEY'RE ALL SO AWESOME TOO?? I don't know much about the lizard selections for the Coolattas BUT!! Absolutely AGREED on the Gordons being cephalopods that is SO SO COOL. The bright colored rings of the blue ringed octopus on Player and Power Trip? OHHH THAT'S EPIC.Love the sea slug snail thing you have going for worldstop benrey. YES!! Attention for the worldstop benrey!! Love that guy. cherish that guy. AND Y2KVR FORZEN AS THE WOOORM. THAT! IS! SUCH A COOL WAY OF TYING IN MUSIC TO CREATURES. AND!! Same goes for Y2KVR Darnold! Because OH! MY! GOD! MUSHROOM MYCELIAL NETWORK FOR THE EMAILS YES YES YES THAT!! IS AWESOME. love mushrooms (: kicking my legs and giggling DUDE!! You have so much good stuff here HOW AM I TO SAY STUFF AT IT ALL? Literally ALLLL of these are SUCH! GOOD! CHOICES! I could be here forever. Mad Science Harold as a Protogen, YIPPEE! Forzen and Benrey connections? ALWAYS welcome! WHEELS. AS A BUS FURRY. /VPOS. Dr Perky as an orb weaver I LOVE ORBWEAVERS YES YES YES I SEE THE VISION AND IT IS WONDERFUL. And you certainly covered your bases huh? THE MCDONALDS WORKERS FROM HLVRV. AS FURRYS. IN! MY! INBOX!! /pos

and of course. ponysona ponys mlp hlvrv on the merklins tumblr ONCE AGAIN!! A lovely selection by the way changelings are so epic and cool always <3

THANK YOU FOR SHARING. THE. THIS!! SO EPIC AND COOL LOVE YOUR IDEAS THIS IS WONDERFUL AND TREASURED! This list spinning forever in the thoughts now (:

[thefamilyeldritchabomination]

Chapter Twenty Three: Time After Time Pt.5

 “Oh goodie…mortals…fetch me honey nut stuffed dates now! I’m famished, cold and need to be pampered right now after having to chew my damn wings off!” The being demanded as it was clear, this asshole was a karen of sorts as he screeched that order.

 “Wait, you’re not going to eat us?” Bill asked, relieved that neither himself or Frank would be horrifically mauled to the bones. “Fuck no! I’m not some common peasant that would eat a human, you’re all gamey, too wormy looking insides, and bitter! I want luxury sweets and a feast at once!” The being huffed in disgust at them being suggested that he should eat something so unbearably lowly as a human.

 “Asides from that…okay that’s good to know! We can smuggle you into town in exchange for the diamonds from the sphere!” Frank pointed at the giant chunks of diamonds that were on the snowy ground. “Reasonable as well, sure you mortals can serve me in exchange for my crystalline sphere. I’ll call you Phiiliam and Georgeous.” The being wasted no time in renaming his new servants right away before motioning to be served at once.

 “That’s not our..” Bill was about to protest before being made silent by Frank the desperate. “Shove it Georgeous, we got a higher paying job just now and early retirement at hand here.” Frank hissed out a whisper into Bill’s ear, much to his displeasure of being renamed ‘Georgeous’.

 “Fine, PHILLIAM, we’ll do this job and you’re paying for the first two rounds of mojitos in return for going along with this.” Bill snapped back at Frank’s newly assigned name, pleasing the horrible eldritch being in front of the two men.

 “Excellent, now bring me to town and bring a good feast for me to replenish myself on!” The being clapped his hands together as though he were commanding a couple of dogs as the men led the asshole off the mountain.

 Crom Cruach smiled as he got removed from the dreadful mountain and was led to town for feeding on delicious luxury meals after being imprisoned for so long. Once he was full once more and powered up a bit better, then Crom Cruach could hunt down that little brat that was so rude to accept being abandoned by him of all things. Chrome Cruach glanced over to his two new pets that were serving him for the time being, humans truly were easy to manipulate with bribes and shiny rocks. Georgeous and Philliam should do the job just nicely to help rebuild Crom Cruach’s former lifestyle of self indulgent hedonism at everyones’ expense, thoughts of new fanciful outfits and rare cuisine danced in the self absorbed mindset of the eldritch horror as the town came into view. It would only be a matter of time for Crom Cruach to regain his strength and should be easy pickings to track down one little wet behind the ears brat with no formal training. With a horrible smile on Crom Cruach’s furry face, it would indeed seem like luck was finally turning towards his side for a change in pace as the group arrived into the town.

=======================================================================

 Father stood from his massive wired throne as he held the screeching, horrified infant in his massive hand as the eldest child, Pride stood, patiently waiting for the instructions. On the sideline, watching this new plan take voyage was Lust, Gluttony, Wrath, Envy, and the newbie, Apathy, much to Pride’s annoyance. Pride watched Father trigger a glowing phenomenon from the already frightened infant. The screeches from the small bag of meat and wind was annoying Wrath deeply as he clutched the sword in trembling hands wanting to strike the child into silence. A large wooden door of sorts materialized from the aether as the child passed out from being used to connect the two worlds together for Father’s new plan in the works. Pride glanced at the door, annoyed that he was the only one competent to be assigned to such a meager chore, more so than monitoring Sloth. 

 “You know what the task is, scout the new world to see if it’s worthy of being part of the promised day, recruit any new homunculi you encounter to our cause, and prepare to connect this world as well as our world together before the eclipse arrives. Are you ready to uphold this task my Pride?”

“With pleasure Father, I shall scout this world in preparation for your ascension and recruit as many Homunculi as I can for the cause.”

 “Excellent, go forth into the new world my son and do not fail me in this endeavor.”

With a stiff bow, Pride walked before the wooden door, shoving it open as hideous little shadow fetus hands dragged the eldest homunculus into the portal, the door imploding out of existence. Pride showed no real concern for these measly tendrils as he focused on reaching the other side of the portal as the light shined like sunlight. Closer, closer, and closer Pride came towards the end of that tunnel as he landed with a thud at the destination. At first, the eldest child of Father was dazed, the ride took a toil on his little vessel before his mind started to clear up. Pride stood in arrogance in the burning dance hall with disgust printed on his childlike face. How garish were the homunculi here to even attempt to mimic human living underground instead of the proud sewers that Pride had known throughout his expansive life? It was shameful in the eyes of Pride as he wandered around the smoke filled and charred hall as a large object connected with his tiny shoes. Looking down with fury at whatever dared be in his walking path, Pride’s eyes caught that all too familiar meat like shine of the philosopher’s stone, though much larger than the ones he was used to. Carefully, Pride lifted the giant Philosopher’s stone in his small hands to examine it and give regards to it possibly being used to refuel his energy when it spoke.

 “It’s about time you horrible monsters remembered to retrieve us from this dreadful pit of man made hell!” Tim the Stone scolded, much to the amusement of Pride who was holding the stone.

 “How very fascinating that you mentioned that or even can speak.” Pride cooed to himself, horrifying Tim the Stone that the voice wasn’t one of the members of this group.

 “Who…who the hell are you!?” Tim asked in horror as this wasn’t the group that he was with beforehand.

“I’m the eldest son of Father, Pride the Arrogant and you’re under my control now. Tell me, where are the other Homunculi of this world?” Pride just smiled rather wickedly as he now had a little ‘guide’ to this alternate timeline as he glanced a bit for a way out of the underground. 

 “But you’re not the Fuhrer! He went blood crazed and feral in his massacre!” Tim blurted out, Pride gaining a neutral, blank look upon hearing a blasphemous thing.

 “Are you telling me that in this world, that infant old man brother of mine was given my name, MY TITLE? Let alone sulling my name in an embarrassing temper tantrum? Show me this disgrace to my very perfect name that I alone should keep.” Pride stared upon the stone, waiting for some answers and an opportunity to correct this very troublesome error of some foolish sod sharing his perfect name. 

 “He’s out in the main blaze underground! I hear him roaming each night trying to break loose from the inferno..” Tim explained, unlike the homunculi he was with before, this one was clearly playing with a full deck of cards and was likely to use a harsher means to an end.

“I suppose that is an issue, tell me, where is there a nice dim place I could supposedly lure this contender to my perfect name?” Pride inquired as he waited ‘patiently’ for an answer as Tim dragged through the collective thoughts on what to do.

“In an underground blaze? Highly unlikely…”  Tim began before being cut clean off by the sharpen tongue of Pride.

“Let me put it in this way, I am very tired and very hungry from my long distance travel to your backwaters world. In fact, you being a giant philosopher’s stone is a very good nutritional boost to get me back into good shape.” Pride’s shadow began to morph with some eyes and teeth, ready to devour the stone should it continue to be less than helpful.

 “There’s a burnt out elevator that should work..” Tim sputtered, not wanting to be devoured again by something far worse than the dreadful creature known as Dorian.

“See? It's not too hard to get creative now, isn’t it?” Pride retracted his shadow of horrors as Tim instructed the horrifying abomination along to where that burnt out elevator is at. 

 The burnt remains of what was once a decadent hall were like the decaying remains of victims from a fire bombing as Pride followed the instructions from Tim the stone. It was sickening that these homunculi had absolutely no pride in themselves to be living in such a frivolous set up, not at all practical from what he’s seen so far and far less dignified as his home was. An embarrassment to be sure as the burnt out elevator stood before Pride as he went to make himself comfortable in this hunting post, leaving Tim out in the open as bait. With the loud shouts of protests from being made bait and the gentle prods of the tendrils to get the screams going, it was only a matter of time before that target would arrive. The slumping, staggering sound of something broken was moving towards the screaming stone as the horrific monstrosity that was once the Fuhrer came into view. Truly to Pride, this was a display of full homunculi embarrassment as the half skeletonized, mostly carbon based spikes that periodically flashed flames with broken limbs Fuhrer came into display.

 “Selim…you decided to stay with Daddy after the nasty old divorce from that bad Mother of yours?” The Fuhrer heaved as he staggered towards Pride who gave the look of disgust upon hearing that.

“Oh, so it would appear that the vessel named Selim never died to become my vessel in this world. How very fascinating. However, there are some issues I’d like to take care of; There can only be one Pride in this or any other world.” Pride growled from his safety hole of the elevator, catching the Fuhrer off guard.

“I’m your Father and this is NOT how you speak to me at all!” The Fuhrer roared as he started haphazardly charging at the small homunculus as shadows speared into the monstrous Fuhrer’s body, speckling the ground in blood.

“Oh no, you’re not, in the other world, I was your babysitter. I am, however, very famished from such a long distance trip though and you should nourish me just fine.” Pride calmly explained, licking his horrible baby lips as the maul of death opened up in the tendrilly shadows, lowering Pride inside.

 The Fuhrer stood no chance against Pride, learning from the last moments of life, there were always bigger fish out there and this giant fish invaded this pond. The blood splattered upon making impact from the grinding teeth of Pride as the bones and meat were reduced to mush inside of Pride, feeding him more power than previously. Lapping up the last of the remains of blood from the ground, there was no longer any evidence that the Fuhrer had once existed at all as Pride went to pick up a very traumatized Tim from the ground. Once the trauma stone was collected, Pride carefully looked over the elevator’s tunnel leading upwards. Figuring this was the best possible method of exiting out of the underground, Pride used his shadows to climb upwards to the surface with Tim in hand for guidance in this strange, new, world. Pride certainly didn’t waste time reaching the surface world, his eyes adjusting the brightness of the world above. The nature surrounding Pride gave a vague sense of hope that there was some dignity left over for the homunculi if they had possibly moved to somewhere more dignified like a cave. 

 The grass and debris crunched beneath the polished shoes as Pride investigated this area to see if he recognized the area. If things were in fact a different timeline, then possibly, the world would have the same map layout as home did. After gaining a better footing of this world upon recognizing the route, Pride confidently strode upon the road towards where the gates of central would be. Pride froward his young brow at seeing the heaps of smoke billowing out of the old capital. How was he supposed to commence the linking of the two worlds for the Promised Day once that eclipse arrived? As Pride prepared to grill the stone for some information on exactly what happened to render the focus point uninhabitable for the transmutation, a crunch of a stick drew the elder homunculus’s attention. Pride’s already irritable eyes narrowed at the source of the disturbance as he launched a faux attack upon the site. Jumping out of the foliage and into the open was a still recovering Wrath having escaped his captors as well as the inferno city. Pride paused for a moment after looking over Wrath before noticing the ouroboros imprinted on the bottom of Wrath’s foot.

“Oh, you’re a homunculus like I am?” Pride lowered his assault upon Wrath as he inspected the other younger homunculus on the ground.

 “I don’t remember you being with Envy and the others…” Wrath answered, surprised to see an unknown homunculus in front of himself.

“Envy? Is that the head of your group?” Pride raised an eyebrow that the head eldest homunculus in this world was Envy of all homunculi to be picked. 

 “Yes..” Wrath’s eyes darted back and forth for an escape path since the homunculus child was in fact scaring the living shit out of him.

 “What exactly are you able to do?” Pride pried further to see just how useful the other was for his own nefarious purposes.

“I can use Alchemy…” Wrath decided not to tempt the fates around Pride as he demonstrated some alchemy before the older homunculus, turning his arm into a sickle.

“Fascinating, one last question, what are your views on humans in general?” Pride raised an eyebrow upon seeing the pent up rage and anger towards humanity after the hell Wrath went through.

 “They’re terrible monsters that deserve to kill off one another! I HATE THEM, ALL OF THEM!” Wrath broke loose the pent up animosity after being placed on a lead like an animal earlier and having barely escaped the destruction no thanks to the humans involved.

“Then this is the start of a beautiful brotherhood. I am the eldest Homunculus, Pride the Arrogant. Father, the first homunculus that my siblings and I were born from is working towards a world where nothing remains of the human race, only a world full of us Homunculi. I will mentor you properly as a homunculus while you lead me about in this area and in return, you will lead me to where the others are since the underground is vacant.” Pride offered a hand to Wrath to help him up, satisfied with the answer given.

 “Big brother Pride?” Wrath asked, getting used to being upgraded to a more ruthless and cutthroat mentor than before.

“Exactly, I am now your older brother Pride, a far more superior elder brother compared to the blathering idiot Envy if they’re anything like the one back home. Now, where do you think the others may have ran off to?” Pride figured having two guides, one of which being a much more superior homunculus was the best option at this point.

 “I think Northern Amestris…that’s where the screeching baby target came from..” Wrath had to think a bit before remembering the target that Big Brother Envy was babysitting beforehand.

“I see, I will require you to accompany me to the North so I can convince the other homunculi there to join Father’s cause and be rewarded for their services after the Promised Day happens.” Pride simply stated, the destination now set in his rancid mind as he ordered the younger homunculus to lead.

 Tim remained silent in the clutches of the monster he had unfortunately found himself gripped by, wishing that someone had remembered him instead of being left behind. The two homunculi and the talking stone started making the long hike towards the north. It was truly a match made in hell, a highly intelligent murder machine with little remorse and the other a skilled tracker. Tim and the other souls within the philosopher’s stone could only pray that someone or something could stop these two. Maybe life would’ve been better had they all still been brewing in the oven-like stomach of Dorian instead of facing such a nightmare. The forest grew denser and denser as the pair disappeared into the woods. Back in the home timeline, Father sat in his throne, an eerily eager expression spread across his normally stoic face at gaining more souls to fulfill his destiny of becoming god. Amongst his homunculi, the others grew concerned for the first time of being around their creator had spawned in their minds. Never had they seen something like Pride, THE Pride be dragged into another world as though he were nothing but a ragdoll. There was no telling if Pride even survived that forced transfer or what exactly Father was thinking at that moment. The only homunculus that was confident was the horrifying newcomer, Apathy, who could not care less about the situation before them.

 All that the alternate timeline homunculi could do is watch and possibly interrogate the rotting skeleton lady they had in captivity about the world next door. Lust, being the first to leave, motioned for Envy and Gluttony to follow after her. There were some things that needed to be dealt with before they could safely interrogate the skeleton without repercussion from Father catching wind of their doubts. None of them wanted to end up like how Greed ended up in the molten gold and returned to Father’s body. With a passing glance back at Father, Lust felt a chill down her spine like it had when Greed first ran away from Father and was made to bear his fury to keep her younger siblings safe. The storm was coming both for this world and the world neighboring it, not knowing this storm was one of three about to merge into a supercell of sorts. The calamity was coming and there was nothing anyone on either side could do about it.

(Thank you everyone who has been reading the first act of ‘The Wayfarer’ from start to its very finish. It means so much that the story was given so much love and attention the past couple of years it has been around. I look forward to seeing everyone once again in the second act of ‘The Wayfarer’, ‘The Escapist’. I will see you all soon, till next time, be kind and be merry <3 )

[sadlynotthevoid]

I just had a thought.

No one saw it coming.

At the end, is not Doofenshmirtz with his Anti-Jokerinator or any angry Gothamite who gets rid of the Joker.

No.

It's just that somehow there was a leak to the public on the O.W.C.A. and Doofenshmirtz's cojoined plan. Now, for racional people this wouldn't be a problem. Hell, even for most irracional people this still wouldn't be a problem.

They would cheer them.

But then two assholes found out.

First, the failure clown itself. Second? Batman.

Between these two trains waiting to collide and impact everyone nearby, it was just a matter of time before things got derailed. Starting with the furry who broke in into Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. A fight started. While Perry was facing him, Doofenshmirtz ran to activate the machine before he could destroy it.

The portal to the other plane was formed succesfully.

Before the Joker-tractor magnetism could start functioning, a cup of coffee flew and splashed the screen.

Then things got worse.

The door opened and the Joker himself entered with a gang of clowns. As if that wasn't bad enough, that was also the moment where the children, who had been hanging out with a bunch of children all day, came through the elevator.

Needless to say, the place descended in violent chaos.

In the middle of the kicks, punches, giant globe pistol shooting and objects breaking everywhere, the Joker managed to get besides Ferb— likely attracted by the comical globe weapon, because the envious fucker wouldn't be able to come up with something like that by himself— and almost grabbed him.

And that's the reason why, if someone asked, everyone would agree that what happened next was a completely reasonable response.

In the time it took everyone to react, a Ducky Momo backpack hit the Joker in the face and made him fall— conveniently right into the hell-looking-like portal.

"..."

Candace, who had panicked and threw the nearest item to the menace, blurted, "That was my collectionable Ducky Momo backpack from the 5th anniversary".

Hey, I have an idea for a crack crossover AU.

Yesterday I was searching for funny doofenshmirtz images and came across a set of screenshots of him, Vanessa and Norman. And I thought "Doofenshmirtz has to be the best fictional father to ever exist".

Then, "I wish Jason had a father like him. Wait—"

Anyways, I think a crossover AU where Doofenshmirtz adopts post-resurrection Jason woukd be a good idea.

They're on a train or something at a foreign country,

Doofenshmirtz: —And that's how I ended up here. What about you?

Teenage Jason, absolutely confused by this guy who suddenly started talking about his life story but having no idea what normal socialization is: *blinks* I'm in a world tour training to kill a guy.

Doofenshmirtz: Kill?! ...Isn't that too harsh?

Jason: He killed me first. Slowly.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh. Well, I guess that's fair— Wait, you died? Are you like a zombie or more like time traveler?

Perry: *breaks through the roof* Krrrr.

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus!

Jason: What the fuck.

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, there's no need to be so rude. *Turns to Perry* This is Jason, there was a mistake and we ended up in the same cabin. Jason, this is Perry the Platypus, my nemesis.

Jason: Nice to meet you.

Perry: Krrr. *To Doofenshmirtz* Krr, krrrr?

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, no. He's not part of my evil plan. Actually, you arrive early. I haven't even started yet. We were just talking to kill time— That reminds me, he says a guy killed him once. Which is really creepy. I mean, look at him!

Perry: *looks at the teenage baby-faced Jason, sitting there reading his book*

Doofenshmirtz: He must be younger than Vanessa! And that was before now. What kind of person goes around killing children? Doesn't that sound like something you guys should take care of?

Perry: ...Krrr. *raises a finger and takes out his phone* Krr. Krrr, krr. Krr krrrr krrr krr, krrr?

[indistinguishable Mayor noises]

Perry: Krrr. *Hangs call* *back to Doofenshmirtz* Krr krr krrrr krrr.

Doofenshmirtz: What do you mean there's a jurisdiction issue with Gotham? There are people killing kids there!

Perry: Krrr krr. *Exasperated sigh*

Jason, behind his book: Yup, that sounds like Gotham. No wonder even spy organizations are wary to get near her. Some say she's cursed.

Doofenshmirtz: You speak platypus?!

-

Vanessa, entering home: Dad, I'm back! Dad?—

Jason, drinking tea in the kitchen: Hi.

Vanessa: Hi, you are one of dad's friends?

Jason: *shruggs* I dunno. He kidnapped me from my training trip. Says I'm too young or something. I don't think so, but the platypus took his side.

Vanessa: Ah. And where are they anyways?

Jason: They left an hour ago. Something about Gotham's jurisdiction issue. I'm waiting to see who wins, burocrats or a spiteful scientist and his martial artist platypus best friend.

Vanessa: Cool. ...$5 say dad tires them until they give up.

Jason: $10 say the platypus guy punches someone in the face.

Vanessa: Deal.

[oceansidegraveyard]

the gentle furry's blazed post: tasteful nudity marked with a community label

the unhinged kpopper's blazed post: READ MY FANFIC IN GIANT LETTERS NO READMORE ABOUT THIS REAL LIFE PERSON WHIPPING YOU WITH CHAINS AND PUMPING YOU FULL OF SEMEN AND PISS. HERE'S WHAT HE DID TO HIS REAL LIFE BEST FRIEND'S ASSHOLE. LOOK DAMN YOU

[actualaster]

“Soooooo, Hun~ter~  I hear you had a little argument with my puppy-pal~”

“Shut the fuck up, bitchface.  I don’t need you on my case, fuckin’ Orion already did that.”

“Awwwww, I can’t believe I missed that!  That’s always such a treat to see!”

“You don’t hold your tongue, I’m gonna cut it out and feed it to you.”

“Hehehe...  You really have no sense of self-preservation, do you?  And you call her a suicidal idiot.”

“I said shut up!”

“Then again, you do pick fights with somebody who can turn into an 80ft tall furry and squish you like a bug.”

“I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY ARTEMIS!”

“Not that she needs to.  You know how strong her bite is?  She doesn’t even need to shift her teeth to rip a chunk outta a person!”

“I’m going to fuckin’ kill all of you, I swear.”

“No you won’t, she likes me~  And you wouldn’t want to get her on the warpath~”

“You’re even more of an insufferable cunt when you’re right.”

“Awww, that’s so sweet, you admit I’m right~”

[viirati]

look at this traumatized fucker ,,, missin an arm and everythin , how pathetic honestly

[fem-nomenal]

.

“I could just flatten you again, count yourself lucky I’m letting you take the re-!” She let out a surprised moan, digging her nails into the table as his entire mammoth cock disappeared into her asshole, the donut stretching wide around it.

“Ooooh I can feel it in my stomach~” She growled happily, the pads of her toes curling as he slid inside. She could feel his hips against her furry wide bottom, wiggling up and down to make sure he was fully buried inside of her. Her asshole gripped him nice and tight, as snug as a bug in a rug.

She began to rock her hips back and forth, her asshole not wanting it to slide out before she banged her hips back into him, “So- big!” Savrahs stomach would be outlined by his giant cock every time she slammed back to the hilt, feeling his balls hit her sopping wet pussy every time.

Continued from X - @champion-ryuu

"Tch-" Savrah scowled, shaking her head, "You're just saying that cause I'm in-" Her eyes widened, having finally landed on the fat bulge he was sporting, "Heat..." She ran her tongue along her teeth, trying to steady her heart that was starting to really pound.

"Fine- but you get one shot to do it, and I don't want to hear any of this 'I swear this never happens' kind of thing" Savrah told him, "Better be on a bed too..."

[randomitemdrop]

If you're still bored, how about d100 rumors?

Table of Rumors

So, what are the villagers whispering around the pub? (Adapt as needed to your setting, and remember that rumors aren’t always true)

An infamous item-shop owner is actually a fraud and has no idea what he’s doing

One of the party members is secretly in service to the Dark Lord

One of the party members is secretly in service to the Merchants’ Guild, ensuring that the party keeps having to buy more stuff

The Dark Lord is secretly in service to the Merchants’ Guild and their entire evil plan is a hoax to stimulate the economy

Mimics in service to the Dark Lord have infiltrated the village

The Dark Lord’s secret weakness is Essence of (consult Table of Flavors & Scents)

The Dark Lord’s secret weakness is getting stabbed with a cheap tin dagger

The Dark Lord’s secret weakness is catgirls

The local forest has been infested with Cascadian Tree-Krakens

The local counting-house has been infested with Modrons

The local fishing-hole has been infested with Dire Crawdads

The local lake is secretly home to a Fey woman that gives out swords proclaiming the wielder to be the true king of the land

The local spring is actually a portal to the Plane of Water, but only when activated correctly

A nearby swamp is home to a wish-granting hag

A nearby swamp is home to a reclusive retired bard, once famous across the land

A nearby swamp is home to Shrek

A nearby swamp is actually a bog

Deep in the forest there grows a patch of herbs that will cure any illness or wound

Deep in the forest there grows a patch of herbs that make anything taste good

Deep in the forest there grows a patch of herbs that double your strength for four hours

Deep in the forest there grows a patch of herbs that will kill anything mortal

Deep in the forest there grows a patch of herbs that will get you zonked off your gourd

At the top of a nearby mountain there is a shrine to a forgotten deity from beyond the stars

At the top of a nearby mountain there is a shrine to a long-dead celebrity musician where Bards can learn special spells

A nearby cave is haunted by the ghosts of a massacred army

A nearby cave is haunted by the ghosts of cavemen

Long ago, fleeing royals hid a magic sword up the chimney of one of the local homes

One of the local merchants/tradespeople is actually a psychic vampire that nourishes itself by providing the worst possible customer service

A local farm has a chicken that will grant wishes if you pet it without letting the owner know

The local pub owner was once a bandit and buried treasure under the floorboards

The town drunk knows where a treasure is hidden but will only explain when sober

The town Prohibition Society president knows where a treasure is hidden but will only explain when drunk

The weird old man that lives outside town dresses up as a monster to frighten people off his property

The weird old man that lives outside town dresses up as a monster and has won awards at furry conventions for his monster suits

The local blacksmith’s hammer is enchanted so that he can strengthen armor just by hitting it

The local butcher will buy exotic meats, no questions asked

The local baker’s buns are enchanted so that it is addictive

The local candlestick-maker uses dwarf-tallow

The local cooper is the Queen’s paramour, which is how he's kept his license despite his barrels being absolute rubbish

The local cobbler is assisted by Elves. Nobody seems to know if that means traditional tiny magical spirits or, like, a band of Drow warriors bound to his service

The local nightsoilman is the true Crown Prince, having switched places with a lookalike after getting the idea from an episode of “Wishbone” and/or “Garfield: a Tail of Two Kitties” and/or any of the three different Barbie CGI adventures based around the idea

The local grave-digger kills people when business is slow

The local pie-maker kills people when business is slow

The local oyster-seller is secretly rich off pearls

The local arkwright (maker of chests) is actually a breeder of Mimics

The local carpetmaker is actually a breeder of Trappers

The local schrimpshonger will pay dearly for strange and exotic teeth, the bigger the better

The local relic-keeper is a fake

The local phrenologist is legit, somehow

The local cheesemonger can tell your fortune from the bite patterns you leave in a rind

The local pardoner has a direct line to the Celestial Bureaucracy

The local doctor is a vampire

The local tobacconist has some primo shit in the back that he only brings out if he knows you’re cool

The local town guard used to be an adventurer like you, then he took an arrow in the knee

The local town’s rival tater-hurling team has magic on their side, so the locals are looking for an edge

The local mayor is secretly a witch

The local mayor is secretly an avatar of the Dark Lord

The local mayor is secretly two Halflings with one sitting on the other’s shoulders, having achieved office through a cavalcade of hilarious hijinks and desperate to maintain the ruse

The Royal Palace’s knights are actually just empty suits of armor animated by dark magic

The Royal Palace’s knights are actually just empty suits of armor filled with bees

The Royal Palace’s knights are actually illusions and the building is actually defenseless

Eating raw pork increases your strength, the tainteder the better

Man door hook hand carriage door

Putting out all the lights and speaking a wizard’s name into a mirror five times will open a portal to wherever they are

Living near windmills causes cancer

Electrical shocks cure rheumatism

Goblin saliva cures acne

The smell of Bonnacon dung cures respiratory illness

Giant blood replenishes vitality and cures hangovers

Powdered Tiefling horns are an aphrodisiac

Dwarves lay golden eggs when enraged

Pulling Elves’ ears is good luck

Stealing an adventurer’s helmet is good luck

It’s good luck to ignore Aasimar, pretending they aren’t there

People with even a little bit of Dragon blood in their veins are incapable of lying

Feeding a Halfling is bad luck

Druids are aggressive assholes that try to convince everyone else to become Druids

Orcs are disguised humans

Mind-flayers can actually survive on totally normal food and drink, and they’re just flaying minds to be jerks

People with red hair are werewolves

Kicking a Cleric of a deity besides the one you follow in the butt cures curses

Flossing with the hair from a wizard’s beard cures toothache and gum disease

Church wine can be used to remove any stain

The Chosen One has arisen and can be recognized by (insert trait held by party member)

The Chosen One has arisen and can be recognized by being invulnerable to blades

The Chosen One has arisen and a cutting from their hair is proof against the Plague

Many adventurers are actually thought-constructs without free will, controlled by the whims of giant deities living on a higher plane rolling dice

The Royal Palace is trying to hide from the populace that the world is actually round/flat/cylindrical/toroidal/&c.

The Plague vaccines being provided by the Royal Palace secretly contain Potion of Enfeeble Mind to allow them to control the populace more securely

The local ruins were constructed by Extraplanars (note: if this is already true in your setting, instead the rumor is that the Extraplanars are a hoax by the Royal Palace)

Certain unusual clouds are the product of the Alchemists’ Guild trying to control the weather

The gladiator matches are fixed

A famous bard died years ago and was replaced by a look-alike

A famous bard is hypnotizing people with their music

Zalgo is coming

The world is going to end next year

A major chain of food stalls actually uses bio-alchemically-engineered Oozes instead of real meat

The Holy Books have hidden messages that can be decoded by those that know the secret method

The town charter is secretly a treasure map

https://www.snopes.com/random/