#he’s self aware of his failings and that’s part of his failings ironically enough

[zeb-z]

Arthur Bennett was chemically made in a lab for me to go insane over I think. he’s got a guilt only an older sibling could have and a drive for vengeance that is half driven by his own self hatred. yet still he strives for peace. he’s desperate to cling to any humanity, any hope. he’s aware he’s fallible. it doesn’t save him

[paymechildsupport]

Puppet Boy // Suguru Geto x M!Cursed!Reader

In which: Reader is a cursed ‘puppet’, a product of another Cursed User’s CT that happens to end up in Geto's grasp.

-!! M!Reader (usage of the word, 'boy'), -- AMAB --> Reader as a dick (creative liberties can be taken though for any non-dick havers 😋)

--------

-!! explicit warnings: oral / praise / degradation / dacryphilia / coming in pants / shoe grinding

——✩‧˚︶꒦꒷꒷

'You were created to be used as a puppet, a tool of mass destruction. The creation of the same people that were the higher ups of Jujutsu Tech, (a government bio weapon, essentially) You were a masterpiece, on the road to becoming the most powerful cursed entity in the modern day of Jujutsu. However, once ‘refinements’ were beginning to be made you couldn’t help but question yourself, — your masters. You began to question: ‘why?’ Why must you follow their orders? Why must you accept sleeping on the cold floor while they get the nice beds? Why do you eat only scraps while they massive feasts? Why must you go back in your cage once your need for use is up while they get nice houses, nice beds,— nice lives? 

You despised: and just as you began to refine your sense of self, your human consciousness— did they make a move to destroy you. Scrap you. You were a failed prototype,— a being that got just a lil’ too human for their comfort. 

But you had just gotten your consciousness, and you’d be damned if you’d just lie there and let them take it away from you. 

So you ran, shattered your chains,— and sprinted as fast as you could from jujutsu society. 

And you ran, and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran,— far, far away. So far, in fact, you managed to find yourself in the domain of the most wanted man alive; ‘The Most Dangerous Curse User’— Suguru Geto. 

He was entranced, completely infatuated with your existence, and charmed by your burning hatred for the same higher ups as he had. 

Geto had to have you,— and you were half certain he would turn you into a nice compacted orb and swallow you whole— he sure looked like he wanted to. Yet he didn’t. 

He had other plans for you…

——✩‧˚︶꒦꒷꒷

You choke pathetically, letting out a strangled whimper. The noise only prompts Geto to grab your hair harder, yanking your head upwards to meet his smirking face, a smug look plastered.

“You’re doing so good pretty darling,” he cooed, rich saccharine voice pushing you closer and closer to the edge, “c’mon, isn’t this what you were made for? To be used for?” His tone turned slightly condescending, only making your raging erection throb if anything. 

How did you get here: a shiny tool, made by the greatest sorcerers of the century, a weapon of mass destruction, turned into a fleshlight by the most wanted man in the world? 

Your determination to live, despite being scrapped and left for dead by your masters, sparked something within Suguru Geto. Something he had only ever seen in himself. He had to admit, the moment he laid eyes on you he had been dreaming of this, and not just as a ‘fuck you’ to those insufferable, monkey sympathizing higher-ups, —(well, maybe a big part of it was that— for both him and you)— but that so similar look of pure hatred and malice that Geto had only ever seen in the mirror caused something to stir. It seemed his teenage hormones had finally caught up with him. 

You were left in nothing but your boxers, grinding pathetically on the Cursed User’s shoe. You were already soaking, as he was very aware.

“Fuck, oh just like that….�� ha…., good boy” he groaned, the praise going straight to your cock. You moaned in response, the vibrations of your throat against his dick were almost enough to send Geto flying over the edge. 

He paused, his iron grip slightly loosening on your head. You look up questioningly through your teary lashes, his cock still hanging in your mouth, rock hard. 

Geto inhales sharply, “ha… did.. I say you could stop..?” His glare sends a shiver down your spine, “useless puppet, can’t even do a simple task on his own without orders from his master” he sneers, fisting a handful of your hair once again, this time moving your head up and down himself. 

Your body went slack, pure bliss pumping through you to be used in such an erotic way. You grind yourself harder against his sandaled foot, abs flexing as you strain to milk as much pleasure as possible. A wet spot already forming on your boxers. 

Geto was so close, his cock twitched uncomfortably in your mouth, precum crying from his tip, pooling and dribbling down your chin. He groaned at the absolute filth of the act, only turning him on even more, his movements sped up. 

“What a good little whore,” he huffed, “just imagine the look on your masters’ faces if they were to ever see their— fuck,... hah… — tool used as a mere pleasure toy for such a disgraced individual such as myself….” his movements grew rapid as dirty talk and filthy words continued to flow from his lips, “huff, — they would be absolutely .. revolted at you whoring yourself out to me,..--  hah… hah,.... - my good, — good, boy” he moved at a grueling pace, desperately fucking himself into your mouth. 

Your moans were almost pornographic, nearly causing Geto to paint your throat white right there. He carefully angled his foot upwards, hitting your obsessive rutting right on your prostate. You gasp as you come, hard, – soaking his throbbing cock even more with your spit as you choke. You look up with worship through your hooded, lust clouded eyes, tears streaming down your face. 

You might just be the most beautiful thing Geto has ever seen. He’s never wanted someone else in such a way, but now, it dawned that he wanted you so much more passionately and desperately than any other person or worldly possession.

“Holy fuck,... baby, my beautiful baby-,” the praises tumble from his mouth before he even knew what he was doing, his mind turning to mush from how fucking well you took him. You really were made just for him. 

“God, you… gasp… you—“ Geto starts to slur like a drunk, “I didn’t even need to touch you, and you, -  ha-... came–  aha.. Ah~.. -  all on your own…  g-god you’re so fucking perfect… mmmhmmmm~...  my perfect, perfect little — oooOOH~.” 

Geto is sent over the edge, moaning lewder than a fucking pornstar, his white hot cum shooting down your throat and painting your mouth white. You take it all, eagerly lapping him down, milking him for every last drop. Geto can only watch you in awe as you swallow every drop, some dribbling out of your mouth and down to your chin, mixing with heaps of your drool. 

He huffs in amusement, reaching out and wiping your chin with his thumb. 

God, you really were made for him, almost like it was prophesied and written in the stars. 

“Fuck,.... did they make the biggest mistake letting you go, .. my pretty puppet. You’re mine..

… all mine.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[A/N]: I had this is my drafts for a while so it's lowkey kinda old, -- still really like the idea of a cursed 'puppet' though: a curse that didn't stem from a human's negative emotions, -- but rather bioengineered by the higher-ups, -- who then went rogue / broke away after gaining consciousness. In this particular instance, the puppet was a very undercover top secret hush hush kinda thing, -- they didn't trust Gojo or really any of the other teachers -- but mainly Gojo, cuz well, he's a lil' goofball and who knows what kinda shenanigans he could get up to. (Plus, Geto would've been thinking of Gojo while smashing the puppet, you can't tell me otherwise 🥶

This was done at like 4am, -- I could definitely refine it a lot more -- lemme know if you want me to do more wit this. Like, have numerous characters x puppet!reader, -- I have a lot of ideas for Sukuna, Geto and Gojo (or even both, Satosugu).

( Srsly tho, i have a lot of ideas 🥶 just lmk :3 )

[cosmicjoke]

How Levi's and Zeke's Role as one another's Foil is demonstrated through the Parallels and Contrasts of their Relationships with Kenny and Grisha:

As we know, Levi and Zeke are positioned in AoT as foils for one another, which I’ve spoken about extensively in numerous posts, going over all the ways in which they’re obviously, intentionally contrasted against each other.  But I was thinking today, another way in which Levi and Zeke are contrasted, is that while Zeke became bitter and angry at his circumstances growing up, and in response decided he wanted to lash out and make his father pay for ruining his life by destroying the very thing Grisha fought for, i.e. wiping out the Eldian race where Grisha wanted to restore the Eldian Empire, and in turn, without any real awareness I think, convincing himself he was saving people from suffering while in fact inflicting it and even reveling in it, Levi went in literally the opposite direction.  Instead of wanting to make others suffer for the suffering he’d endured, instead of wanting to make Kenny pay for ruining his life, he sought to save people from those same experiences and prevent them from having to live through what he did, showing exceptional empathy and compassion toward others.  And for anyone who thinks Kenny wasn't abusive toward Levi, or otherwise want to deny in any way the immense harm he caused Levi, I'll direct you to these posts I've written about just how genuinely abusive and awful Kenny was and the psychological and physical harm and danger he subjected Levi to:

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/714444060984737792/the-psychological-and-emotional-impact-of-levis?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/714626354972360704/part-2-of-the-psychological-and-emotional-impact?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/714804308475052032/thinking-more-about-the-ways-in-which-kenny-failed?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/714990189976698880/more-thoughts-on-levi-and-kenny?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/750230226046468096/love-seeing-people-trying-to-downplay-the-damage?source=share

It really speaks to the contrast in their characters, that they both responded to similar situations in starkly different ways, both fundamentally and philosophically.

Unlike Zeke, whose every move was essentially made in service of getting revenge on Grisha, Levi never ended up wallowing in Kenny’s abandonment of him or being driven by a desire for revenge, but was instead driven by compassion and a sense of obligation to use his strength for something positive.  Again, I think that fact demonstrates the absurdity of people claiming Levi is some revenge-driven person.  He’s literally the opposite.  It’s why there’s this cognitive dissonance in these people not being able to comprehend why Levi doesn’t want to kill or hurt Annie, for example.  Their understanding of Levi is fundamentally flawed, and because of that, they think it’s out of character or bad writing on Isayama’s part, that Levi shows no interest in paying Annie back for what she did to his squad.  If they could just understand that Levi isn’t and never has been a vengeful person, they would realize that his attitude toward Annie makes perfect sense.  Levi was never egotistical enough or self-interested enough to be into revenge. 

Ironically, really, for all that so many people labor under this misconception that Levi is a vengeful person, it's actually Zeke who was always revenge obsessed. Yes, Grisha was an awful father, but he wasn't, in fact, a bad person. He was just incredibly misguided and dealing with his own, horrific trauma, rooted in deep guilt over what happened to his sister. I think this is important to acknowledge in order to better understand, again, the contrast between Levi and Zeke and how they act as foils for one another, narratively and thematically speaking.

What Grisha experienced as a child was truly horrific, and it led to him being blinded by his desire to right the defining experience of wrong from his childhood, so much so that he wasn't able to see until it was too late the damage he was causing Zeke. But he never set out to really hurt anyone. That doesn't mean he didn't, and this isn't meant to serve as an excuse for Grisha's abuse of Zeke. He very much was abusive and should absolutely be held accountable for that. But much like Zeke himself, Grisha lacked the introspection to realize the harm he was causing, and unlike Zeke, and in turn, unlike Kenny, he never actually deliberately hurt or enjoyed hurting anyone.

In contrast, Kenny very much was a bad person, someone who made a literal career out of murdering people and who very obviously reveled in and enjoyed violence. Someone who one might even say worshiped the idea of violence, and who through that attitude routinely exposed Levi to this idea of killing for pleasure or simply the idea of "might is right". And unlike Grisha, Kenny was never blind to his actions, either. Kenny always knew exactly what he was doing. He knew he was a bad guy and knew the things he was exposing Levi to and what he was trying to make Levi into were bad. We know this because Kenny had a secret desire to be good. Of course, his idea of how to become good was completely warped. He believed that in order to be able to be a good person, one needs to be strong, that one needs ultimate power, and we see Kenny's own, rotten nature play out in his willingness to cut anyone down in pursuit of that desire, undermining with each murder his own pursuit. We see the deep and ironic contradiction there, between Kenny's actions and what it is he's trying to obtain. But again, Kenny never labored under any delusion that what he was and what he was exposing Levi to were somehow good or noble pursuits. He didn't think he was setting Levi on some holy crusade for the greater good, the way Grisha believed he was doing with Zeke. He just viewed Levi as a project, a means of testing his theory of "might is right", experimenting as a means of proving his belief that only the strong deserve to live, immersing Levi purposefully into a life of horrific violence and brutality and seeing if he was "strong enough" to make it.

I lay all this out to demonstrate how, even though Levi had every cause to despise Kenny and desire vengeance against him, knowing full well what a terrible person Kenny was, knowing even that Kenny was fully aware of the harm he was causing Levi himself, he never became consumed by or even interested in such a pursuit. Kenny abandoned him and Levi carried on with his life. Zeke, in contrast, assumed Grisha was a terrible person based solely off the fact that he was neglectful toward Zeke and put too much pressure on him to fulfill a certain role, and off of that assumption, made it his life's mission to destroy his father's dream. I think this really demonstrates perfectly a fundamental difference between Levi's and Zeke's natures as people.

Going back to how Levi and Zeke serve as foils for one another, Zeke is a largely negative character, whose motives are rooted in negative feelings, i.e., this belief that life is meaningless and nothing but suffering, bitter anger and resentment at his father for not giving him enough love, unappreciative as a result of the love he does receive, such as from his grandparents and Mr. Ksavar, and a level of self-absorption that renders him incapable of perceiving or considering the thoughts and feelings of others.  That’s contrasted against Levi, who is a largely positive character, whose motives are rooted in positive feelings, i.e., this belief that life is precious and, while being painfully aware of its cruelty, still believing it to be worthwhile and being driven by an intense desire to save lives, a tragic gratitude for the single, good memory he has of his mother’s love and elegance, and a level of selflessness and empathy that renders him more compassionate, kind, aware and considerate of the thoughts and feelings of others than any other character in the series. 

And again, I think we see that deliberate contrast between Levi and Zeke in their opposing attitudes toward their abusers.  We see how much Zeke hates Grisha, how his hatred for Grisha really consumes him and drives him toward becoming very much like him, so bitter and hateful and consumed by revenge that he neglects others and their desires completely, essentially continuing the cycle of abuse, and how that differs from Levi and his attitude toward Kenny, how Levi became in every way that counts the opposite of Kenny, someone who values all life equally, regardless of whether a person is strong or not, someone who believes the worth of a person’s life isn’t determined by their strength or usefulness, someone who prioritizes allowing others their agency and right to choose for themselves. 

Both Levi and Zeke sought approval from Kenny and Grisha respectively, but while Zeke made it his life’s mission, basically, to stick it to his father for never giving him the love he sought, Levi never developed any such hatred for Kenny. Yes, he clearly was deeply hurt and was angry at Kenny for abandoning him, and clearly he thought of Kenny as a selfish and bad person, as is demonstrated at his shock when Kenny gives up the serum. We know from this that Kenny was never generous with Levi at all. But Levi never hated him.  We see that in his final interaction with him.  He blamed himself for Kenny’s abandonment of him and thought it must be something lacking in himself that caused it, whereas Zeke completely  blamed Grisha for his neglect  and feelings of misery, and grew to so despise him that, again, he essentially used his hatred of him as an excuse to inflict more suffering upon others.

I think the way Isayama frames Levi and Zeke as foils for each other is really brilliant.  There’s so many examples, none more so than the way they’re contrasted during the raid in Liberio.  I wrote a post about that here, specifically, if anyone is interested in reading it: https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/691063405819379712/further-observation-of-the-core-contrast-between?source=share

[growling]

@alfiely-art splendid thank you for enabling my autism

Ok so background:

There's this city called Shinagawa City that's part of Zero's gamer regime where he forces everyone in all the cities to rp. This is called XG

The XG in Shinagawa City is that it functions like a company does, with all the residents as the employees, except for the president. Employees can only be appointed to the role of director at most if the president likes them. In order for the president to like you you have to bribe him with japanese sweets. Every week the president executes some guy he doesn't like.

Ichinose is the director, and part of the "Numbers" as #1, appointed by Zero. We don't really know the specifics but essentially, they're the rulers of each city and Zero recognizes them as potentially worthy of being his gamer buddies if genericprotagboy doesn't pass

Ichinose's personality is. so hard to describe in a manner that isn't just slander because he's specifically created to be as unlikeable as possible. He abuses his power, his employees, who he really hates and calls useless and incompetent every chance he gets, loves murder, incredibly self-absorbed and constantly has to assert his excellence in the most vain cartoon villain way possible and never stops mentioning how he's #1 appointed by Zero himself which basically means he's like a prettier jesus, mean to everyone he ever meets, actually really fucking stupid and unfunny with no positive qualities his life is worth nothing and he serves zero purpose and he sucks so much and I fucking hate Tribe Nine. He is created to have no depth whatsoever. Anyway he beat Zero in being my favourite Tribe Nine character and half of the reasons as to why I'm not even sure were even deliberate writing choices

Auuuurrghhh where do I start. Do I go in order or like what. I made an entire 12 page doc Ichinose Bible just for this sick evil twisted obsession specifically to help me with articulating anything and yet I have still failed. Alright we're going unhinged mode I had enough I'm making a third doc. I came back to this weeks later sorry my brain is fried now this might not be very comprehensible

Okay so this is very important for later: he is a terrible boss. Absolutely horrendous!!! Every interaction with him and his subordinates is them fucking up their goon work, him screaming at them, them having a mental breakdown and shitting themselves from fear, him still verbally abusing them for 12 more minutes then walking away very annoyed full of hatred for his useless fucking henchmen that he abhors because they're so sucks. They only listen to him because they're for some reason just so absolutely terrified of him, mostly that he's just gonna execute them (he does that often) but also mostly its kinda weird you know. They actually, truly, have NOTHING to gain from listening to him. There is no benefit for sticking around him. No this isn't a "lollll why don't they don't overthrow the bad guy if i was them i would simply not follow his orders" situation, they actually genuinely have zero solid reason to do everything he says and give him that amount of power. Also he just completely lacks awareness that what he's doing might be a wee mean and just genuinely thinks he's disciplining them in a normal way and that they're just overreacting specifically to piss him off. One time he goes off on a screaming session at his subs until one of them faints and all the other ones are shaking and crying in the middle of trying to recruit the protag team to also work under him and they're just Standing there all this time until one of them has to intervene and gently coax him into shutting the fuck up with her feminine wiles

Anyway I mentioned executions right. And the President. Ok so the President is actually not a human but rather just this iron maiden robot with the face of zero's canon fursona (long story) and floating hands and exclusively speaks in all caps. It does not move its just permanently standing there in the Execution Plaza. The Director position makes it so the President can only hear his voice (he can register visual input but can't hear other than Ichinose) so Ichinose's the only guy he can talk with. And ichinose is just absolutely constantly sucking up to that guy, talking to others about how Unbreakable their Special Bond is and how much the President would never ever replace him because they're besties and he's his favourite meanwhile the President does not give a single fuck about Ichinose. He only lets him do whatever he wants because Ichinose just keeps giving him sweets everyday so of course he likes him but not in any deeper way and has zero problem with turning on him the moment he's framed for eating that cake he always wanted. Oh and also when the President said earlier that whoever finds and gives him that cake will be made director Ichinose says "hahahaaa you're so funny babeee you're joking about making someone else director again. haha. you're doing that again" which is just sad. toxic doomed unrequited human x robot workplace situationship yaoi. Ichinose also loooooooves executing people its his favorite activity of the week every time he watches a guy die inside the President (yeagh they have to go inside the President) he gets such as kick he goes "bwahaha! heeheehee!" and then laughs about it for a full minute. He also sucks up to Zero a lot but that's for later

How he took control of the Shinagawa Tribe (part of his subordinates) is also pretty weird if you ask me. So when Zero first implemented the XG rules in Shinagawa nobody really cared and just kept doing their own thing except for Ichinose who immediately started meeting with the President and bribing him until he gained enough favor to be appointed director. Nobody still really cared except for him up until the executions started and they realized that It's Bad Actually. Shinagawa Tribe started also collecting bribes for the President and Ichinose just came up to them one by one and whispered in their ear "lol. your leader doesn't care about you as soon as he becomes director he's actually gonna kill you source dude trust me. give me all the bribes instead and work for me now. lmao" and that was literally enough for all of them to just take Ichinose's side and offer him all the items they had then watch their leader get executed. I guess he was just really that charming and intelligent huh,,,,

He kinda manipulates the president into letting him choose who gets executed instead, while it was originally supposed to be the president who does that. He also forbids anybody else from offering bribes to the president so that only he is favored and him and his men regularly rob and beat the hell out of people that try to do so also this exchange:

also i just. liked the moment where he just got in a car and fucking left. + he's so desperately trying to be soooo witty and funny and failing he's so embarrassing i want to boil him i actually hate him he wants to be cool so bad he's running that insult to the fucking ground he peaked at middle school im gonna skin him i will kill hi

Before getting to the Cake Incident, let's talk about how he always talks about being #1. He constantly points it out and reminds everyone about how he's "#1, as appointed by Zero himself" and wants everyone to remember that, he constantly mentions it even when it's not even related to what he's talking about he just hypes himself up. He thinks it's the coolest thing ever and the proof of his superiority and it obviously it means a lot to him it sure would be terrible if anyway let's talk about the Cake Incident

Anyway, the Cake Incident is that the protag group finds that really cool cake and and tries to offer it to the president but also it was all a trick because they replaced it with a sponge. Ichinose is about to steal that when his subordinate notices that it's unusually light but doesn't tell him that because he doesn't give her a chance to also it's Ichinose. President eats that and immediately does a 180 on his opinion of Ichinose and wants him dead and buried. (also when Ichinose gets stressed out about this he talks to himself like "Ugh… Stay calm, Ichinose Kazuma. At a time like this…" Ijust think that's cute lmao). When Ichinose tells the President that he was actually tricked it turns out the protag team got a SECOND trick which is I shit you not they fed him to Oi's AI and showed President an AI generated image of him absolutely throating that original cake and President gets so mad he fucking kills him and I just wanted to dwell a bit on how Ichinose is canonically a victim of AI sludge. Anyway before Ichinose fucking dies he says "Eeek!" and starts ugly crying before getting executed and then it's all officially over post ended Ichinose is no more the wicked bitch is dea

Anyway this is where we actually really get into this, I will only get more unhinged from this point, we gotten past just the intro to my hellish essay. Ichinose actually is not dead and just rips President apart from the inside and it is revealed that he can never die because he was a robot the entire fucking time and also his head fell off and he doesn't pick that up for his entire monologue. He was born and raised a human but when he became #1 he got to pick his reward and that was to turn into a robot so he can be immortal.

ok i came back where was i. oh yeah so while he was quote unquote "dead" the protag team was discussing on how to change society somewhat and came up with replacing the Shinagawa company XG with XB games. Ichinose does not want that, he thinks XB is stinky and barbaric and he really hates it for some never explained reason, like its personal or something, and while he begs Zero to pleaseeeee give him another chance it is instead decided that him and protag team are gonna have a baseball showdown and whoever wins makes the Shinagawa rules. He grumbles a bit on how much he hates it when Zero makes these kinda decisions on a whim and also ewwwww baseball but doesn't really have a choice so he goes and gets that bat

XB kinda functions like debate showdowns in DR or reasoning death matches in RC with the added element of throwing balls at each other with mechanisms I do not understand. Anyway the main debate in XB about Ichinose is first about whether it was his fault for losing XG or his subordinates', and the second is whether he is actually fit to be a leader. Anyway before they start, Ichinose gets really mad and screams at his goon #38 because he just now found out that she didn't report to him about the cool cake being too light and blames her for his downfall. He is livid about having been accused that actually it might be his fault and keeps on hurling deaths threats/promises until they finally get him to throw that damn ball already

It has become very quickly apparent that... he has little to no arguments. He does not know how to defend himself without sounding downright incoherent or contradicting himself, just going "ummmm nuh uh......" and doesn't even attempt at lies, either. He just lets himself be a laughing stock in front of all the other players and all he has to say about it is just yelling insults and telling them to shut up and stop being mean to him because he's literally neurodivergent and a minor. Anyway, his first defense against the argument that "maybe if you weren't verbally abusing all your employees 24/7 they'd be more comfortable telling you things" is "[quoting] Z-Zip it! You imbeciles can't possibly understand what it's like to be in charge! They're the ones to blame! I've done nothing wrong!"

Anyway he moves on with his second argument where he realizes (..... though it's more like, him grasping at random shit, because he seriously gives of the impression that even he does not believe half the things he's saying) that the reason that his subordinate didn't report the Nefarious Cake Suspicious Weight was because she was trying to purposefully humiliate him that bastard goon. In his words: "I can understand wanting to backstab me for being so perfect, but there are lines that shouldn't be crossed!" which is great man anyway, Oi says that's stupid and Ichinose says execute that harlot. He then goes off saying that the recipe for success is to inform report consult and if you can't do that then you're beyond incompetent etc etc, and Iroha makes a point that he just took that cake from his subordinate by force without letting her report anything anyway, and he actually doesn't have a counterargument because he knows she's right but will keep on doubling down no matter what even if that just speeds up his eat shit era.

Anyway Gotanda tells him he sucks balls as a boss, nothing we haven't heard before, Ichinose says something about him "not knowing the hardships of those who stand above others" how he's done nothing wrong and and how he isn't disposable like those people because he is the ~Chosen~ #1, which he repeats a lot, very often using how he's "chosen" or "special" as an argument but not elaborating further than that even when/especially if he's asked. What I want to point out is that Gotanda says to him that his subordinates are more competent that him, and Ichinose, while angered... has no comeback. Because he knows that's true even if he'll never admit it no matter how hard it'll fuck him over in the long run.

Actually I don't really have to describe the next scene much and it could be just pasted here pretty fine without additional notes from me, but I don't want to keep it out of the post either:

Gotanda mentions that he spoke to a former colleague of Ichinose once, and they mentioned that he was "incompetent and useless" so let's keep that in mind,

Then we get these lines:

And, let's pause for a few seconds. Why is he even being listened to? Following him gives virtually no benefits aside from, I guess "1% less chance of getting executed", but even then it's stated that being close to him doesn't really do much to save you from that. His takeover of Shinagawa Tribe is downright nonsensical, and yet, him just saying a few words to him about how their leader is enough to terrify them all into submission permanently. Why is everyone so constantly scared shitless of him no matter what. There is zero benefit to following him. The only fucking reason that many people could fall for his bullshit for that long of a time, is if he had some sort of aura like superpower that turns everyone who he ever comes in contact with fucking stupid for the plot to work

Anyway the actual explanation for why he is able to do all this is because he actually has some sort of aura like superpower that turns everyone he ever comes in contact with fucking stupid

No I'm not kidding. This is actually canon this is the truth behind this perplexing case .

So, just, out of the fucking blue, after not saying anything about it for the whole goddamn chapter, Q just casually mentions "oh yeah, that's probably because of the Ichinose Curse. Lol. Lmao, even" we literally never heard about anything like this shit prior to this moment halfway through the XB match nor are we aware of how the fuck did he obtain that information. According to Q, the "Ichinose Curse" is a power of Ichinose that renders all his subordinates in a state of mind control caused by their fear of him. Soooo......... essentially, how I understand this and how I think it's meant to be like, is that the more scared they are of Ichinose, the more susceptible they are to get mind controlled because of that. So, even if his comments towards Shinagawa Tribe members back then were not that effective, then getting even a little bit spooked back then was already causing some effects, which obviously would skyrocket once he executes their leader in front of them. So he does not have to be skilled in any sort of master manipulation, he just has to be intimidating enough. (also explains why the protags are not affected by it, because they're kind of tired of his shit and instead of being scared of him after seeing the manager's execution, they're just really angry instead)

Except. Here's the thing.

I don't think Ichinose fucking knows that himself.

There is NOTHING in the game indicating or even hinting of him being aware that he's literally controlling people, and not just "persuading" them as he puts it with his awesome #1 strats. Nothing. Not even after this information drop from Q - he is never confronted about it by the protags. Ever. For his remainder of appearances. Never do we get a moment where he goes "buwahahaha so you have realized..... my fuckshit forte........ what will you do now......" even though it seems obvious that it'll happen at some point. Nobody ever.... brings the "Ichinose Curse" up to Ichinose himself, ever, and neither does he. Like it's irrelevant to him, or, I'll say this. His actions do not make sense for someone who knows they have a mind controlling power. None of them. Ichinose literally has no fucking idea and genuinely thinks that he's persuading all his subordinates with his own skills and he's that perfect, and, at the same time, does not even get why he's being even listened to anyway if we go off of a quarter of his dialogue.

I was about to say how I got no idea how Q got hold of that fucking information when even the ability-bearer himself, Ichinose, does not have it, but, it actually does make...... kind of sense, if you go into theory territory for a bit? According to me, and this is what I'm sticking with as most plausible, Ichinose is not the only person who has had that ability - and the Ichinose Curse is actually the power of the Ichinose family, which it gets it's name from, and how Q could have gotten that information. If he got relatives that could mind control people, then no matter how obscure that fact might have been in Neo Tokyo, Q could have gotten a hold of it and connect the dots. It could also explain why he didn't say anything earlier; he had heard of some line of Ichinoses with that kind of power, but he wasn't sure if Ichinose Kazuma was from them, but after observing him for enough time it became obvious and that's why he said so only after confirming it during the XB match. That's what I'm believing. The other equally plausible possibility is that the writers sharted but I'm putting trust in them

Anyway, the protags kind of shift the subject of the match, from arguing whether it was Ichinose's or his subordinate's fault for losing XG, to discussing whether working for him has any benefits to prove he sucks to his subordinates so they'll leave him. Whatever I don't care about them

Ichinose keeps making nothingburger arguments and defenses such as "well I'm #1 which means I'm the most outstanding one and being used by the #1 itself is a benefit so checkmate liberals". Or like, more accurately, when confronted by anything he always just answers that, well, he's part of the NUMBERS, and nothing else. His justification for every single one of his actions is that he's #1, which automatically makes him superior and inherently more worthy than the rest ("I am the chosen #1. I'm not disposable like those incompetent fools.") -- whenever it comes up, he always pairs having that title with surely making him Chosen and Special, and gets very upset with the protag group for "not realizing [his] greatness". He rarely lists himself being the literal Director (and the de-facto President via his bribery shenanigans) of Shinagawa City as what makes him so special, and this position is what seems to actually give him some real power and not just a fancy title. What does being "#1" in particular even entail? Who knows, but he sure is holding onto it for dear life. It would be a shame if. Nevermind

Moving on. He keeps failing at dodging arguments just as miserably as before -- Upon presented with reality and actually believing it somewhat he rationalizes and justifies to himself that he's never to blame regardless of how much his arguments don't make sense, knows that he's in the wrong or at least can't reason against it, at least subconsciously, cannot defend himself and is visibly nervous, the usual, whatever. Until he gets one match with Todoroki, and, just says something that's just a really odd comment.

For context, Todoroki is one member of the Trash Tribe/protag team, who is distinctive for two things: being insanely rich, and a massive asshole. He constantly acts superior towards, insults and is nasty to everyone he ever meets for virtually no reason and has no redeeming qualities. Him and Ichinose never had any meaningful conversation with each other. Ichinose just... not only paid enough attention to Todoroki specifically to notice that despite being established several times that he does not care for anyone other than himself and does not acknowledge anyone else in the room, he also recognizes that this behavior is indeed, a dick move (cheers for self-awareness). And basically, just. Sounded like he just started projecting completely unprompted.

From this moment on, it is absolutely pointless to even list all the arguments you have with him as a separate thing, as he constantly just makes the same defenses because he has none. He literally has zero fucking counterargument aside from "nuh uh" or "ok well but have you considered I'm literally #1. which essentially makes me like a prettier Yomi and the winner of this argument" if I'm ever in court and my lawyer is Ichinose I'm killing myself.

Like. Look at this silly silly unserious man.

Anyway, Gotanda goes up to all his subordinates and tells them "believe in thyself.... go work for me instead......" so they'll snap out of the Ichinose Curse and it's not very effective. Ichinose tells him to leave his kittens alone and that he has trained them to 100% obey him and that special relationship will never fall apart which is funny cause I'm pretty sure I've heard that some time ago before and it ended with him inside an iron maiden. Anyway Gotanda calls out to Ichi's subordinates by their actual names and Ichinose is a bit taken aback cause he forgot they got names. Gotanda asks how the fuck do you not know the names of any of your subordinates and Ichinose goes that they all look the same anyway. Gotanda uses that and it is very effective this time, and literally every single Ichinose henchman just decides that he sucks and they all leave. No this doesn't mean the game's over Ichinose is just alone now it's like a 1v9 perhaps more I didn't count all the protags. Ichinose gets extremely pissy and his featured yellow-highlighted argument is "I am the best in Shinagawa! I don't need anyone's help!" which ermmm ackshually, no one offered to help you, and also when you got sucked into the iron maiden for a thousand deaths your second instinct was to yell for help so. Ratio

Anyway he actually gets asked what his basis for saying that #1 is superior and to provide a reliable source for that too and his answer is that it's because Zero said so. Thanks for clearing that up

Anyway not only did Gotanda talk to his former acquaintance who said that Ichinose was incompetent and useless, he also got a hold of his HR evaluation report and they also said he was "bottom-tier and completely useless". Everybody hated that guy and he had zero skills or strengths before he became the Director so his argument about being inherently excellent special superior and a "born winner" was him lying through his teeth literally every piece of power he had was given to him by someone else, that he did not work for, either.

Anyway, this one's fun. Gotanda asks Ichinose to list his strengths, and he just can't. He just goes "uhhhmmm umm well there are too many itd be a waste of time to list them all and if I said it then you'd cry at how cool I am. Wait a moment I'm still thinking. Uhhhghhnng. ummmm. Well there's just too much to say..." and only after direct prompting from Gotanda to hurry the fuck up and stop stalling he musters up something about having charisma which makes everyone follow him (they literally all left. also no one tell him about the mind control), which is a vaguely abstract nothing trait. In the next, separate scene he has made significant improvements in being able to list any of his positive qualities aside from his status, and says that he's also hot. Great job Ichinose you beat the loser allegations! Anyway next scene he loses at XB miserably it was great while it lasted.

(Before that Gotanda also tells him "your self-esteem is so outrageous I feel embarrassed just listening to you… I'm actually starting to doubt your sanity." but like. Hmmmmm is it really self-esteem. Is it. Does he ever sound like it is.)

Anyway he immediately goes "AAAHHHHHH". Zero appears and vaguely insults his capabilities, Ichinose spares no time begging him to pleaseeeeee give him a rematch he won't slip up next time just pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee give him another chance sobbing and shaking cutely and Zero says no. Well, he doesn't actually say no but......

Zero says that now is a good time to tell him, that, actually, he is #1 because he is weakest of all the Numbers, and that he is a loser and cringe and completely yaoiless and also sucks. He didn't tell him that all this time cause he felt sorry for him.

Immediately after:

I love. Rotating this bastard in my mind.

Being the "Chosen" and "Special" #1 is what he based his entire worth off until this moment, a proof of his superiority and what made him "not disposable" like other people like he said so earlier. He talks about it all the time, it is his main and only argument and justification for everything he does and he's holding onto it for dear life even if as it was shown through the game it really did not have any significance aside from being a fancy sounding title. He can hardly list any positive traits of himself that don't have to do with being #1 without stalling. He probably was a nobody before becoming #1, according to Gotanda people really just considered him incompetent and completely useless. Literally every piece of power he had was given to him by someone else, that he hardly even worked for, and both of those superiors (the President and Zero) did not give a shit about him, while he believed they had a "mega special & unbreakable bond". He constantly sucks up to the people above him, and it's especially pathetic with Zero. Ichinose clearly thought they had Something, according to him he was "the only person who acknowledged [him]", gave him his approval, that reveal must have done unspeakable things to his brain. And even then, despite it all, he STILL tries to appeal to Zero, literally begs him again for a rematch like he's seriously got no dignity left. And being #1 really was the only thing he had going for him, he's a coward with no skills, lacks awareness in most areas but surprisingly still retains some of it regarding him not being a competent leader, has no arguments in XB (or theyre incoherent or contradicting, doesn't even attempt at lies) for the cake not being his fault, and working for him having benefits, probably does not believe either not that deep down but keeps doubling down, when Gotanda says his subordinates are more competent than him he has no comeback. He literally has a special ability that he does not even know about (or is in denial, who knows) hes never had to work for being listened to, truly thinks that its his Excellence and Perfection that makes people obey him, with his own skills, also doesn't seem to really actually get why he's being listened to he knows it makes no sense. The fucking Todoroki scene projection 1000. And I'm gonna go even further and say that him picking immortality as a reward is just proving he does not think over anything and is only shallowly chasing more power and security, immortality is famously a standard superpower that people don't really think about as hard as they should before they say that they'd want it, it will dissapoint you not be fun and you'll suffer for eternity wishing that fuckass snail was real. This feels so good to finally fucking write down and post this man is driving me insane I don't even think 99% of all that shit was even intentional or intended to be taken as seriously as I do by the writers there is a permanent Ichinose shaped organ right inside my brain and I can't take it anymore I

And this is just. Painful to read. But I mean, let him cope I guess, it's not hurting anyone, let him believe it.............. It'll help him stay functional

Anyway, regarding the robot thing, to add even more salt to the injury, Zero admits that he built him as shittily as possible with the parts he just had on hand, no regard for quality or durability. When Ichinose suggests that he pleaseeeee give him a rematch, Zero says that he's looking forward to it, but, he hates to break it to him that it's probably the end for him. Ichinose's mildly confused and Zero explains that he has a battery that drains pretty quick when he does any strenuous exercise (which he did play a whole match of baseball just a bit ago). Like, it's literally running out right now and he'll turn off soon. Ichinose asks him to then please recharge him, or give him a new battery, and Zero says "No <3". After panicking for a few seconds Ichinose just. Turns off and stays like that probably forever. Gotanda literally said that they are going to make sure that he never wakes up and they just. Leave him there. Like that's the end

And with that, finally, I fucking did it. I wrote down the Ichinose manifesto. Please tell me I'm not alone in my obsessive fascination with Ichinose from the fucking shitty Tribe Nine gacha. Why is it a fucking gacha.

Some other notable certified Ichinose momence:

When he first appears Kuronaka thinks that he has a "relaxed expression", but, he's actually like notably the character (next to Q) with the most prominent stress lines under his eyes. And also literally nothing about Ichinose to me screams "relaxed" man's in the fucking trenches emotionally every second of his stupid baka life

"you normie" <- actual line he said

Robot built so shitty he still feels thirst. The moist eyes comment

I don't even know what is happening in this scene

Sometimes he just makes this slutty af pose for no reason

[dumbblondesposts]

As per popular demand (literally 12 votes) I'm getting into what can be considered the controversial aspect of klayley

Or What the show failed to address

This is really also a character study for my girl Hayley all at once in regards to how her overlooked trauma affected her relationships ( because I love @bloodsoakedfangs )

Hayley never knew her family all she's aware of is that they gave her up, and her adoptive parents simply kicked her out at the young age of 13 I believe after finding out what she is,

She's an abandoned little girl forced to roam the streets on her own, that is both absolutely terrifying and very risky, there's no limits to what she might have gone through and seen as both a kid but also a girl if we're being realistic, which is a direct cause of her hyper independence, she was forced to rely on herself completely since childhood

Now in regards to Klaus, when she meets him, despite the disdain she understandably has for him there's also attraction, one she's fully aware of and okay with, she knows he's a horrible person but she's also self aware enough to know she's no better

So despite everything he's done to her friends including Tyler it wasn't enough to stop her from succumbing to that attraction, and as she herself states in ep 1, it's pretty common for her to go for that type of men

Straight forward to 1x02, the episode that pretty much seals the deal, so for a starter this will go into sensitive issues but unlike the writers I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but you can leave idk

Klaus is in fact very unstable, any slight provocation sends him off the rails, he has severe ptsd as a result of the abuse he endured and clearly suffers from abandonment issues, and that's not to justify or excuse anything he's ever done but rather it serves partially as an explanation for why he is the way he is , you CANNOT honest to God expect him to be able to be in or maintain a healthy relationship,

Similarly to hayley , who also suffers from abandonment issues and doesn't have a healthy perception of love or relationships which is why she always sabotages any healthy relationship she's in and ends up constantly running back to Klaus and giving her all in her quest for the family she fantasizes of finally having

Her reaction to what he does in that episode is when you see the trauma bonding part

He physically assaults her, almost killing her both and the baby in response to what he perceived as a threat of "leaving him" or pretty much being able to easily "take away" that fantasy he too has of a family he secretly wished for, to have something he can truly call his own, and maybe even heal what Mikael broke in him which is ironically why he got angry, she hit him where it hurts, the "kill her and the baby" was bullshit and how furious he was when she almost left him proves it, he was both worried he's being played by the witches AND scared of failing this child the way his father did, (he liked hayley too much to do shit to her as tvd proved already if he was ever careless about her she would've been gone by tvd 4x16 instead of him genuinely risking his life and his family's to just have dinner with her and then willingly let her go without her providing the life or death info she's nonchalantly holding back)

Even next morning when he tries to make up for what he did in his own way, he asks why she didn't just "leave him" and that he deserved it, by that point he calmed down, is clearly regretful and knew what he did had nothing to do with hayley, he was angry with himself

Hayley's reaction (who's very straightforward and dangerously bold, something Klaus admired in her since the beginning) to a violent man being To smile at him the very next morning, casually talk to him , being happy when he offers to do something as decent as fixing the air conditioning

is if anything a sad testament to how she's holding on to any crumb of affection he has to offer, to that dream of a family she never had growing up.

And throughout the first two seasons he still never learns, he still willingly puts her and THEIR child in mortal danger again in 1x06 because unsurprisingly he's jealous of Elijah's interest in her

She calls him horrible for it as she should and says Elijah is infinitely better than him but when he forces her to go back home and shuts off Elijah and Rebekah, her reaction (5x08) is to tell him that after ALL THAT, she wants to believe in him, and to not fail her, and is once again happy he agrees to get rid of the dead bodies he left to rot in the the middle of the compound ????

Her acknowledgement of him putting her and his child at risk twice because he's "a notorious Psycho" as she called him and that Elijah is a good man but at the same time staying with him after almost just leaving and still settling for whatever decency he may provide at some point

It's classic trauma bonding, where after anything horrible he does that throws her off he does something "nice" that makes her believe he may change, it might be worth it. Hence, the "I want to believe in you" it's not that she has a good reason to believe in him, it's that she desperately wants him to be what she sees in Elijah

And ultimately it's not even that she wants him to be better, she had Elijah, she had Jackson but it didn't stop her from bending over backwards for Klaus of all people but leaving Elijah whenever she has to put in any bit of work

Elijah and Jackson's sole appeal was that they loved her greatly, she felt loved, they were easy to love, they were good but when it came to putting in the work to make these perfectly healthy relationships work she dips, but all her energy is invested in a situationship (the term fits here sorry 😭) where Klaus keeps bringing them back to ground 0,

She also despite having Elijah and Rebekah says she's "sure she'll be doing this alone" in regards to Klaus probably not being a traditional father

When Mikael calls him all sorts of vile things , which from Hayley's perspective are all valid, she should agree with him , instead she hates Michael, defends Klaus saying none of it is true and stops calling Mikael Klaus's father

This ties well with season 2 where hayley literally blames Klaus for all the people coming after hope, she could've left but she goes with the option of marrying Jackson and staying even as it drove Elijah away ( tbf she also married Jackson for him which is funny because she literally went on to marry the low maintainance guy because she simply didn't want to work for her relationship with Elijah despite killing herself for Klaus of all people)

She stays because Klaus asked her to after swearing up and down she's leaving when her daughter was almost murdered /blown to pieces in one day due to what she perceived to be Klaus's indirect fault but she didn't give a fuck about Elijah begging her not to leave AFTER Klaus took the heat for killing Aiden and finally pushing her over the limits

She has said prior to that , to Klaus's face, that she's leaving for good if he doesn't change his ways

So it's absolutely telling when it's proven Klaus was her main, sole even, tie to the mikaelsons including ELIJAH 💀, that when she felt like she's too sick of his shit she ditches everyone FOR GOOD

She finds comfort in him and only him at her lowest, pushing Elijah away and only getting better when it's Klaus telling her she's family and boosting her confidence,

Same exact things Elijah said, except it's coming from the person that truly matters to her, she doesn't yell,she actually sits down and listens to him and eventually he's the only person to understand her and successfully gets her out of crippling depression and self loathing, as Elijah himself noted ironically

Hayley defends him abandoning her and hope,to go commit mass murder somewhere else, tells him she won't give up on him,writes him countless letters to tell him she misses him and she wouldn't have wanted anything to be different , including all her trauma mind you, because it led them to having hope together, something she wouldn't have changed

Now keeping everything he did especially in season 1 and 2 in mind,and her having other romances, she tells Klaus she wouldn't change the fact he's hope's father

That's how dedicated she was to him

Hayley did NOT love Elijah, she was attracted to him sure, he was first to show her kindness at a time she needed it most, especially from klaus

And he made her feel loved, something she craved

When it was easy she welcomed it but he wasn't worth staying for, fighting for or even getting to know given they both did not know or like each other beyond the romanticized version

What she had for Klaus,{ while for all the wrong reasons since she wasn't one with a healthy understanding of love due to trauma and abandonment, } was unconditional love, she knew exactly what he was, how vile and sadistic he can be, is a first hand witness to all of what he can be too but it made her attachment to him and the sacrifices she was willing to make for him all the more stronger,

It's the "show don't tell" version of the all consuming devotion d*lena and the other ships failed to have

Mainly because they're both similar in the way that they were both fucked up individuals, both self aware and know they aren't good people and both desperate for love, love that truly sees them for what they are but doesn't shy away from it, it's why she's the ONLY love interest he calls family, and family as he describes is above all others, worth everything, the only constant for him,more reasons why it's very dumb to say he loved any other woman more than her .

Klaus and hope (being two faces of the same coin for her) are the single most important people to hayley,above literally everyone else , the two people she spared a glance before offing herself

The ones she fought tooth and nail for,risked everything for on multiple occasions

Hayley was a complicated character, she's damaged and all she knew from others was abuse and abandonment

It's why Klaus is familiar, safe, her comfort zone

She uses the two healthy relationships she has to feel better about herself, discards them when it's convenient but does ALL that, endures all that from a man who's treatment of her is typical, why she defends him and risks everything for him and is more than happy with the tiniest bit of love he has for her can be summarized in trauma bonding and "daddy issues" , he's an older guy with all the power here , he's emotionally unavailable, unpredictable and quite violent but occasionally calls her with an endearing nickname "little wolf" and can be soft with her, why while she revels in pissing him off and challenging his authority he's the only man she keeps running back to and can actually get her to listen to him when no one else can

While, like she herself says even when she hates the living shit out of him for all the ways he hurts her (out of love from his perspective) she can't help but love him

They're basically a match made in hell, they have no limits to what they'd do for each other, and out of every other one of their ships they're the only ones with an actual relationship where they fully see, understand, accept and love each other no matter how heinous they can be

And if anything it makes sense because at that point they were both too far gone to know what healthy love looks like

They develop at season 3 but that's a different convo

The main point is that I can still talk about their relationship because it was actually written surprisingly well despite the neglect and are very,very complex and multi layered outside of classical and empty romance

Klayley, through hope, what the show was built around and who they are as characters was pretty much a part of the show's heart and core all while integrating romantic elements without it becoming their sole defining characteristic

Something you can't say about the other romantic relationships in the show

[skaruresonic]

If you want something to lighten the mood, how about some old!Shadaria headcanons? ^^

Welp. You asked for it. xP ---

>>Maria and Shadow live in an ancient pine forest next to a temple called Matsu Temple. "Matsu" is a common pun in Japanese poetry, meaning both "pine (tree)" and "to wait, to yearn." Words which describe the general gist of their relationship.

>>The actual structure of Matsu Temple, when looked down on from above, is shaped like a five-point maple leaf and covered with dark green lacquered tile. Neither Maria nor Shadow really know what deity was worshipped there; when they first found the altar, all it bore was a stone statue of a hedgehog (that looks suspiciously like Sonic) that held a small bowl of pinecones and dried pitch. Metal Sonic destroys the temple when he grabs Shadow and hurls him through all five tiers of the roof. Ouch. And Shadow had just finished repairing the shinbashira, too. >:c >>Maria is a seamstress and occasional dressmaker who specializes in making kimono. She used to tailor Ivo's clothes because he would outgrow them quickly. Even now she thinks his black bodysuit is tacky, but she can't deny that he'd had the coat well-tailored xP

>>Maria sporadically dates the Commander, who is not affiliated with the ARK here but is just Some Army Guy named Mike lol. Except Maria is extra so she always calls him ~Michael~ in That Tone of voice, if you know what I mean. Shadow has beef with him for no other reason than petty jealousy; he tends to criticize ~Michael~ for the same traits he has, such as stubbornness, with absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever. Needless to say, Maria finds this quite amusing xP >>Eggman-inflicted trauma is really the secret sauce that makes Old!Shadria hit so much better for me. They both abide by a general policy of "do not mention Ivo at any cost" lest The Horrors(tm) seep out. >>One difference between games canon and the Cousin AU is that Ivo adopted his father's habit of calling Shadow "mutt" or "dog" as a child and continues to do so to this day; he will not refer to Shadow by name.

>>The Robotnik household was incredibly insular. While Maria's frail health kept her from being a part of public life, it was, ironically, Ivo's genius that isolated him in a similar manner. His father did away with traditional education by arguing that Gerald was the only one sufficiently qualified to teach his son. The only people Ivo saw growing up with any regularity were Gerald, Shadow, and Maria. Since familiarity breeds contempt, such an environment fostered his bad temper (which Gerald foolishly sought to distract or pacify due to his fondness for the boy) and his constant need for attention. >>The onus of raising Ivo lay mostly on Shadow and Maria. The thornier aspects of their shared Eggman-related trauma rest on their guilt that they "failed" him in some way, even though they never should have been forced into caretaker roles to begin with.

>>Maria was more willing to get into childish arguments with Ivo due being closer in age to her cousin, while Shadow proved a stricter disciplinarian. This dynamic still continues in the present day, with Sonic being like "sheesh, why is Shadow so grumpy?" and Maria like "that's just how he is ^,^" >>Shortly after Gerald's death of pneumonia one unfortunate winter, Maria ran away from home and took Shadow with her. Her uncle was already planning on sending her off to boarding school, which already felt unfair to the young girl on the brink of graduating high school, but what pushed her over the edge was when her uncle looked Shadow dead in the eye and said "I will not have an animal raise my son." She grabbed Shadow's wrist in one hand, a valise in the other, and left.

>>To this day Maria still harbors guilt over "stealing" Shadow's freedom; she will admit that, for as angry as her uncle's remark made her, she dragged Shadow away like a pet in a carrier (not true, but that's just what she thinks from her POV). Ironically enough, Shadow feels he's stolen Maria's dreams of a family. They don't discuss these things, finding them too painful to give a voice.

>>The first few years the duo spent on their own were really rough without the Robotnik wealth to support them. That winter they squatted in an abandoned house infested with rats. In addition, Maria needs to take pills for her body to continue accepting Shadow's cure, with similar consequences as transplant rejection if she fails to take them. Ivo stole half of her pills as one last "fuck you," forcing her to dice her medication into smaller and smaller doses until she passed out.

>>Shadow battered the doors of a nearby church until a kindly pastor let them in. He helped the two find lodgings; Maria found work as a junior seamstress while Shadow went into forestry.

>>Boy likes cutting down trees, lol. He repaired the Temple mostly by himself and he's always fucking off into the woods with his ax in order to fix this thing or that. Maria affectionately calls him "the world's smallest lumberjack" <3

>>Shadow's katana is called Yuruganu Shinjitsu, "Unwavering Truth," while his wakizashi is Orihime, or "Weaver Maiden."

>>Shadow and Maria are both vegetarians. However, Shadow can be bribed with chocolate. ...Sometimes. >>They have two ginger tabby cats named Gumdrop and Butterscotch (guess who named them :P) >>Maria loves having visitors and is delighted whenever Sonic, Tails, Amy, or Cream visit. Shadow, on the other hand, gives everybody a bit of cold shoulder except Cream, whom he respects for her unfaltering manners. >>Both are in the habit of calling each other "sir" and "ma'am." Not in a Surge and Kit kind of way, but in a tongue-in-cheek way. Shadow's a little less likely to call her "ma'am," though. >>Shadow tends to be quite protective of Maria's health, sometimes to the point of being overbearing. His constant reminders to keep this appointment or refill that prescription wear on her nerves, even if she knows he's well-meaning. >>Shadow and Maria first meet Sonic after he takes refuge from a pursuing Metal Sonic inside the temple. Shadow disposes of Metal before the robot can deliver a fatal strike and carries an unconscious Sonic into the house to recover. Following the initial wave of worry and concern, Maria fangirls a little bit when she realizes their guest's identity... Only for her excitement to curdle into panic as she realizes she needs to hide The Evidence(tm) of their relationship to Eggman. Which is a bit absurd because the two already hid their family photos, but trauma isn't exactly rational, so. >>"What are we going to tell Sonic?" becomes a difficult and protracted series of discussions whispered between them. Sonic eventually notices something is up, but refrains from commenting, figuring they're working through some kind of rough patch. >>Maria frequently wonders what the ARK is like now, and misses being up there. >>When the two first started living at Matsu Temple, they made the near-fatal mistake of inviting the 17-year-old Ivo (who called Maria at 3 in the morning just to say "dad kicked the bucket and they're arguing about his estate yippee" in the most deadpan voice ever lol) to stay with them. Let's just say it ended with a huge fire almost destroying the entire grounds and Maria developing lifelong claustrophobia because Ivo had locked her in a closet at gunpoint. Truly some fatherless behavior xP >>The next time either of them heard of Ivo again was when news reports about the Perfect Chaos incident appeared on TV. Maria had been reading a magazine in a waiting room and promptly left to go wretch in the bushes outside. >>Like her cousin, Maria has a temper, but it's more of a flash in the pan than the full-on temper tantrums Eggman indulges in. She can also be prideful at times, albeit not nearly to the extent that Ivo is. Shadow, conversely, appears dour to most people. (Really, he's just quiet.) >>Nowadays Eggman taunts Maria that she married "the family dog" (although if Starline's in the picture, she's just as quick to point out his hypocrisy xP). >>Sonic is confused when he picks a photograph of Gerald and Maria off the floor. As he doesn't like secrets, he feels a little weird that Shadow would choose to hide a family photograph beneath the floorboards, but he quickly figures that they two probably kept their secret for a reason. >>Last but not least, Shadow is extremely oblivious to the notion that he may have feelings for Maria, simply because they've been living together for so long that he's normalized their situation. It takes Amy pointing out that they already act like an old married couple that he has his italicized Oh moment.

[holygroundgone]

AND WHEN IT COMES TO CHU WANNING

His mental illness is very much a big part of his character!

His strong moral convictions and stoicism and asceticism are only compounded by his strong belief that he's an inherently insufficient person, that he's too stiff and harsh and ugly to be liked by other people.

You can point at his disciples and Xue Zhengyong and say that belief is misplaced, but is it really? His perception of the world and the way it reacts to him is incurably pessimistic, yes, but it's true that people avoid him. Chu Wanning's disciples might genuinely like him but all three have their reasons for avoiding him or acting aloof with him.

It isn't enough to break past his existing convictions. He is not going to act in a way not backed up by his own perception of how the world is and how it reacts to him.

If he believes he is unlovable and too old and ugly why on earth would he ever open up in the slightest about his feelings for Mo Ran? His sense of propriety as a shizun and in general is very strong. He wants to do things the right way because he feels like because it's himself, if he doesn't do it the right way it will be unforgivable.

His incredibly low self esteem is something he has come to terms with in his life and has accepted as a matter of course.

There's no point in apologizing or making excuses for himself when it'll only make him look like a hypocrite when he continues to act in the only way he has ever learned to be. There's no point in softening himself if it'll only result in him being thrown away. He's lived this way so long, wouldn't he look insane to change now? And if he did, what would it reveal about him to other people?

I also see a lot of people castigating Chu Wanning for his attachment to a young Mo Ran which I feel is unfair given:

1. He actively distances himself from Mo Ran and does his best to avoid showing him favor because of his infatuation (which ironically causes a lot of the mishaps in the book but i would say he tries to act responsibly in regards to this) and successfully shows no signs of this attachment that anyone and especially Mo Ran can recognize

2. He's aware that he's like this because Mo Ran is from his perspective the first person who chose him for him, is unyieldingly kind and affectionate despite Chu Wanning's instinctive hedgehog spikes. He's aware that it's his own pathetic failing for being such a lonely person.

3. It's explicitly stated that he never wanted anything to come of it, he never actually rationally wanted to be with Mo Ran beyond what his heart impulsively yearned for which he constantly got upset with himself for

The way that he punishes Mo Ran and uses physical violence on him especially impulsively when triggered by anger at Mo Ran's indecency or by his own jealousy is awful, a marked character flaw, but I think it's somewhat understandable when you consider the only example he had for a shizun in his life.

Huaizui is shown at the end of the memory scroll (and i would consider Huaizui's memory scroll to be incredibly (likely unconsciously) emotionally manipulative on his part, constructed in a very specific way that reveals Huaizui's flawed perspective) to react with impulsive anger and violence to Chu Wanning's disobedience. I really have to doubt that it was the first time he reacted in such a way.

I think through reverse engineering there have to be some of Chu Wanning's character flaws that must've come from Huaizui's upbringing- impulsive violence, the uselessness of apologies and excuses, hiding himself, an inability to do chores and basic self-care

Huaizui's few pieces of memories of a young Chu Wanning are interesting- in them Chu Wanning acts like a 'completely normal' and sweet child, but the Chu Wanning we know is naturally fussy, extremely stubborn with strong convictions and picky. In other words, he is autistic. But the child Chu Wanning in these memories shows very little sign of these traits. Did he change completely after what Huaizui put him through at the end there? Was every moment they shared exactly like those sweet and easy moments in the memories?

I really doubt it.

I think those memories were Huaizui's favorite moments with his undeserved disciple. His less favorite moments are easy to imagine, and so are his reactions to them. Chu Wanning was someone he always thought of with a dehumanizing and almost possessive sense of mind- "this piece of wood that I carved for the sake of absolving my sins". Any guilt he feels in thinking of a child in this way was clearly deserved and equally clearly not enough to stop him from locking him up in a cave and telling him to carve out his core.

Chu Wanning's self-dehumanization had to have come from somewhere, and I don't think it only started there at the end of their relationship.

Impulsive violence in reaction to disobedience is what Chu Wanning learns from a young age. And even then after whipping Mo Ran for plucking Madam Wang's rare flower he still questions himself and is questioning what he's done.

I do think that it's a flaw Chu Wanning still needs to learn and grow out of given that in postcanon after two years of living together he still whips Taxian-Jun- something the man is clearly terrified of.

In general I think ranwan have a lot to grow and develop from postcanon before they can be a genuinely healthy couple but given that from the bottom of their hearts they want the best for each other and for the other to be happy at any cost to their own person... I think they are going to make it.

[bylightofdawn]

WIP Sunday

Going to post a snippet of the Reeve/Rufus fanfic I've been working on the past couple of days. It's coming along pretty quickly, which is an ongoing relief. For context, Reeve has come to Rufus and is trying to tender his resignation and Rufus being Rufus of course makes it into one ridiculous powerplay with a lot of manipulation.

Reeve is tired and over the bullshit. I feel like I'm writing a little...harsher than I've seen people write him in fanfic but I figure after everything that has happened and the fact Rufus is practically still in the enemy column in Reeve's books...well, lets say it's going to take a while to get to the lovers part of this enemies to lovers tropefest.

As always, this is super rough and not really edited, it is liable to change yadda yadda.

Whenever Rufus Shinra looked at his most harmless, that was when he was at his deadliest.

“You know, I could have you executed for the traitorous actions you took in aiding AVALANCE and undermining my authority.”

“You won’t do that.” The engineer stated, voice surprising even despite the way heart rabbited in his chest at a wild pace.

That earned him a raised brow and an ironic look from the blond. “I won’t, will I? Tell me, Tuesti, are you a betting man?”

“You won’t kill me because you still need me and my skills.” Reeve had learned to bluff with the best of them and he could only pray that Rufus didn’t scrutinize him too closely for fear he might see beneath the paper-thin veneer of his bluff and read just how privately terrified he was.

“It seems to me I could just refuse to let you leave and then you’ll have no choice but to provide those skills to me. I made no promises you'd be allowed to leave here.” Rufus countered lazily.

“You really want an architect with an axe to grind against you personally working on a building project for you? Isn’t having a building fall on your head once in a lifetime enough for you?” That was a spiteful, mean-spirited comment, and Reeve immediately felt guilty for uttering it, but Rufus’s attitude was getting under his skin.

Rufus flinched in a subtle, almost imperceptible manner, making the guilt even worse. He hated that the blond brat had managed to drag him down to his level of trading barbed comments.

“My apologies, that was uncalled for.”

“I’m not sure I like your new claws, Tuesti. But I’m willing to entertain this ridiculous idea of yours. What exactly do you think you can do with the support of Shinra at your back? You do realize you need money to fund your high-minded projects.”

“I’m aware,” Reeve said tightly but found himself hesitant to mention the donors and money-raising efforts they’d already gotten in order to help make Edge a little more livable.

“Fine, keep your secrets. You never answered me before. Are you a betting man, Reeve?”

He found himself gaping at the other man because honestly, had he never met Cait Sith? Dancing on the razor-edged blade of chance was half of Cait’s battle style. And where had the animatronic cat gotten that penchant for fortune telling and rolls of the dice but from his creator himself?

Reeve had projected a lot of his innermost self into the creation of Cait Sith. In many ways, the animatronic cat was the best parts of Reeve Tuesti. Or at least, the parts of himself he wished he could openly express and reveal to the world.

“Depends on the bet.” The older man finally stated cautiously.

A thin smile broke out on that flawless face as Rufus leaned forward ever so slightly.

“If you can last six months under your own power and prove you can pull these lofty plans off alone, I will fund your organization for an entire year. If you fail, you return to me and put this nonsense about leaving to bed once and for all.”

Reeve recognized the collar that was being offered plainly for what it was.

Anxiety curdled in his stomach at the thought of shackling himself to Shinra potentially for life.

But the chance….

The slim hope he might actually be able to do some good and hopefully wash some of the blood on his hands away. Even a lifetime of servitude to the likes of Rufus Shinra seemed like a worthy trade-off if he could actually bring some good into the world.

And the more pragmatic part of his mind pointed out what his alternative was. He could refuse, and then what? Have Rufus Shinra as an enemy? He joked about imprisoning him, but that was just the sort of page out of his father’s playbook that he might use.

Either that, or he might wind up dead, disappeared somewhere where his body would never be found.

Just another object lesson of what happened to those who thought to cross the SEPC.

“Fine, you have yourself a bet.” Reeve finally conceded and the brief flash of triumph that flickered across Rufus’s face was genuinely worrisome.

[cwarscars]

❛ your hands are scarred from murder, and yet I trust them completely  ❜ (this is so fitting for their ship tag I couldn't resist)

various things spoken in an adventuring party pt.3

it's a confession he hadn't expected to hear - never really did they talk of his job or his deeds. the violence committed at the hands of one so dedicated to his cause. he had met and fallen in love with the very thing he had once resented. a kind of person, he once couldn't understand. and yet; melissa had taken the time with him. she had been patient, beautiful - a goddess in every sense of the word.

he'd always thought a woman able to change a man, had never quite seen it himself before now.

and yet despite their bond, despite their love - they'd not spoken of the platefall or the war. barely debated about terrorists or wutai or what shinra stood for. the fact of the matter is that around her, he'd craved only love and she, perhaps, craved the same.

and yet her words now imply something else, her words now have him turn his head and widen his eyes, his mouth dropping agape with the gasp of an unspoken word.

he hesitates for a moment, holds his gaze on her - searches her expression for the truth laden in her confession. wonders whether to drop the façade, admit to what he truly is. would she love him all the same as she says? if she saw not simply the scars on his skin but understand their stories, too?

in the space of a few seconds, he thinks on old relationships. those that lasted and those that quickly failed. time and time again, his job - a wedge within the throes of love.

though, that isn't entirely true.

someplace buried beneath the persona of a man carved by power and shaped by war exists some self-awareness. enough for him to hesitate upon getting close enough to another. enough for a sadness to sometimes take him at night, an anger to erupt during the day. thankfully, that self-awareness is enough for him to ignore for the most part.

hands rest upon her own, the touch of his skin one not without its roughness. even in touch, she would feel the dents of old scars caress her. whatever his words cannot say, his body says for him. he holds her for a moment, breathes a soft sigh as he spies his gaze reflected in the honey-coated shimmer of her own.

"i've done many things in my time-" some regretful, many not "things...no other man would perhaps have the strength to do." murder, all committed in the name of shinra. a devotion somewhat similar to love. "but know this-" it's a confession that falls from the lips not without a stammer, a truth that almost (ironically) sounds as though it's a lie "everything i do from now...will be for you."

a moment passes, his tongue held between the press of teeth. a fear teased that should he talk too much, he'll ruin all he has.

"for us" eyes drift along the curve of her body and down toward the smallest bump of her tummy; their child. "after this business with sephiroth is over...then, i will retire-"

and for once, he doesn't sound pained in saying it. if anything, he sounds almost impatient. eager to leave the company that has so far been his life. all too willing to resurrect, a new man with his new family - his girls, her...and their son. no longer the warmonger but instead a man.

"then...there will be no more scars."

[firealder2005]

Whumpcember 2022 Day. 13 FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

Featuring: Luke Skywalker Having A Bad Time. Post-Empire Strikes Back. There are self-worth issues, self-hate, lots of internal conflict and the like so PLEASE BE CAREFUL

see the AO3 link for a more cohesive tagging.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/43558857

Enjoy!

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Luke’s fears kept him awake at night.

That, and the nightmares.

The nightmares that Leia had seen, had shared in.

She hadn’t seen..that moment, not yet at least, and perhaps it was only a matter of time before she did.

He had considered just…telling her. But…

But what if she hated him? Luke’s stomach clenched at his selfish thought.

But it was true. Leia hated anything and everything to do with Darth Vader.

And what if that extended over to him, if he told her?

She’ll find out anyway, a taunting voice inside his head said. She’s been seeing your dreams…so she’ll see it soon too.

Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe that’s the real reason why he stayed awake when night fell, thinking that if he didn’t sleep, didn’t let the nightmares come, Leia wouldn't find out.

Because he was scared. Luke was scared she would reject him, would abandon him if she knew what Vader had told him on Cloud City.

He was the son of her most hated enemy. The man who had massacred so many people…

He was more terrified of Leia’s reaction, then he was of Vader himself.

Luke nearly let out a merciless laugh at that. Ironic that he feared his best friend more than the monster of a father he had.

Why had he gone to Bespin? Why hadn’t he listened to Master Yoda and Ben?

He had failed to save Han. He had to be saved himself. And he had lost his hand to his own father.

Maybe he hadn’t tried hard enough when he let go of the gantry in the hope that the shock, the sheer horror he felt in that moment, would go, would disappear if he didn’t exist anymore.

Maybe the galaxy would be better off if he hadn’t survived the fall…

Maybe Leia wouldn’t have to hate the son of a monster then.

(If she knew.)

Maybe Han wouldn’t have such a failure for a friend.

(Was he even aware that Luke had been there?)

And maybe…maybe Vader wouldn’t have such a pathetic excuse for a son.

(He sounded genuine in his offer…even after the beating he had delivered upon his own son.)

Luke rolled onto his back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling.

Would Leia hate him?

And did Vader really want him?

Luke let out a quiet snort, mindful of the sleeping Wedge nearby.

Irony strikes again.

He desperately wanted his best friend to accept him, even as the son of a monster, but he knew better. She’ll hate him, she’ll be right to hate him. What good could the offspring of such a villain do for the Rebellion?

And he so desperately wanted a father - all he ever wanted was to know his father.

But his is now a specter of evil, the walking nightmare of the Alliance.

And yet, there was still that traitorous part of him that longed to go to Vader, to finally know his father, to be accepted by him.

Then Leia could have a legitimate reason to hate him.

(Would she though? Would she really toss aside everything she knew about him and hate him on sight? The doubtful part of him reasoned, but Luke couldn’t bring himself to believe it.)

But no. He couldn’t do that.

As much as he longed for, desired to be with his father, he had to fight that urge.

Leia, and the Rebellion, was more important than his own selfish, childish wants. He was twenty-two, not a wide-eyed, naive seven year old innocently asking when his father would come home.

He was a Jedi-in-training. He was a Rebel. Best friends with the Princess of Alderaan and a quick-thinking smuggler. The Rebellion’s Death Star Pilot who had one-shotted the monstrous battle station.

He had trained with the Grandmaster of the old Jedi Order.

He had survived a duel with Darth Vader - and had been mentally, emotionally, and physically scared by him.

But he was still here. And Vader was still his father.

Vader was a monster, yes. There was no denying that. He never has, and never will excuse all he had done.

(And yet…and yet…there had been a speck of light within that monster…)

[gwiazdowe]

Primary drive

For a major major part of his life this drive is to survive, to make the memory of his community – The Jedi Order – survive. His drive is to not let his culture die, his drive is to honor the memory of his masters, to honor what Jedi are supposed to be. To learn to be a Jedi and make change because so many died and can’t anymore so he has to do so in their stead. Ultimately by nature, his drive is moved by the Force, and oftentimes, ironically, what feels right to do by the will of the Force is against a need for personal survival.

Fear: Major and Secondary

Cirz is still in that stage of life where he fears death, not exactly the act of dying or the pain of it, but the fact that if he dies then it means he will fail every Jedi that died in the operation knightfall instead of him (you see, deep down he thinks the galaxy needs someone else alive instead of him, and there is always this phantom… weight, that he is not doing enough as someone who is supposed to be a Jedi, and if he is killed during the reign of the empire if he is dead even though his master sacrificed herself for him, then all of this failure becomes true) If he dies, it also means he will never see the Order thrive again, and this just seems very lonely and very scary.

He fears extensive blaster fire, it brings him to that same place of stress he experienced during the purge and makes him wish to run far away – he becomes better at dealing with this as he matures, but especially tween and teen Cirz, he becomes very distressed by having to fight stormtroopers (he is not being honest about it)

He is increasingly worried about people who help him suffering consequences of it. Just as he is rather ignorant about it at the start, the longer he stays in hiding the more aware he is how much risk he brings on everyone around him.

Smaller fears include piloting and parking spaceships, getting chased by animals (like massifs), feeling alone, as well as the experience of losing the touch with the Force (it only happened once for him when he got badly injured, but it really freaked him out)

Style of self expression

Cirz tends to be thoughtlessly expressive about his joys and more timid (more embarrassed) about his worries, but most of the time he speaks honestly of what he feels and thinks. He thinks that honesty and following up on his words is important (the Jedi don’t make empty promises) While honest, he can be a little cryptic in his speech for individuals that lack the same force connection that he has, and sometimes, especially at youth, seems to not realize this.

A lot can be read from his eyes when you become closer to him, however he grew up learning to project an image of confidence and ease to strangers, given that he wanted to be taken seriously as a small padawan on missions. The fact that he grew up in the Temple and around other Jedi means he still has specific mannerisms and speech patterns that clash with his surroundings, not to mention world-view as a whole.

How they express affection

Both words (because he has no trouble speaking honestly about his joys) and gestures, are something he likes to do. He likes to be physically close to his friends, you will see him hug and hold hands openly, and comfort by offering touch, back rubs, shoulder squeezes etc. Kindness in this way comes easy to him, some might say too easy, and that it is naive to be so open. This should not be confused with any desire to begin an intimate relationship, because he has no desire to do so, it just is what it is.

What controls them (what they are weak for)

What is something that influences them regardless of their own moral code. — The state of galaxy wherein he often has to pick between doing what his master would and staying put to see another day. He will pick the chance of surviving, many times, even though he feels guilty about it.

What would they reject sacrificing. — He will never let go of the Force, unlike many former members of the Order that chose to forget, ignore, thwart their sensitivity to lead a semi-regular life, that is not Cirz, he cannot do so. He wants to be trained to be Jedi, even in the time when terrible things are done to them.

What would they kill for, if pushed. —  Honestly? The scraps of the Order.

WHAT PART OF THEM WILL CHANGE:

Note that Cirz starts as a padawan that generally doesn't have many troubles beyond wanting to be useful and trying to grow up too fast because he wants to partake in clone wars, then it makes him develop all those fears and self needs during purge and as Cirz will mature as the Jedi he pictures himself being he will shed his fears and destructive impulses one by one over the course of his life.

Say his fear of death, in the very end he will be the one sacrificing himself as an ultimate expression of love for his padawan, mirroring what his master did for him (probably traumatising his padawan in similar way his master fucked him up)

Such priorities as fighting against the empire, may take a backseat for Cirz in favour of protecting future generation of force users, ensuring he has a successor (his padawan) who will also carry values of the Jedi into the future even if he himself happens to fail.

(character creation questions)

[keefwho]

August 24 - 2023 Thursday

7:17 AM

I intend to start checking on my thoughts like I meant to before when I told myself I was gonna go hard with the monitoring. I went too hard though and scheduled too much, so I've cut it down to a more reasonable amount at reasonable time. In the morning, during lunch, and after work. Then at the end of the day I have the daily journal which is it's own kind of self reflection.

This morning I'm thinking that it's only inevitable before I slip up and find myself in a weird place again. I'm having the thought that what I go through is a repeating cycle that might never fundamentally change. I'm feeling the resistance to change I have towards everything, even if it's positive. Because even though I'm putting myself in places that feel good for me, I have mental pushback. It's mostly from that place that wants me to fail because I find weird comfort in failing on my own terms.

2:19 PM

I'm having the thought that I won't be able to stop myself from slipping away. I'm imagining myself failing a lot. I'm seeing myself regress and losing my sense of self again. I'm doubting my own capabilities. I'm also thinking that I can only have negative thoughts, that positive ones should be repressed. I'm feeling afraid that I'm doing something wrong in important facets of my life. Like eventually something I didn't notice will make everything violently crash down. For positive thoughts I'm thinking that I'm making noticeable progress in being more aware of my actions and thoughts. I'm thinking that if I stay the course and keep evaluating myself, I can keep getting better.

10:55 PM

Here I am again, a person named Keith writing his daily journal entry on Tumblr. He is 27 years old, stuck in the middle of nowhere trying to figure out who he is while clinging on to the only digital friends he has.

This morning I had leftover beef stew for breakfast. I had some onion in the fridge and I decided to not be lazy and dice the onion to put in the beef stew while I re-cooked it on the stove. I watch a bit of a youtube video about EPCOT for my bestie since I've always wanted to know more about what EPCOT actually is. It fascinated me.

The stream went well, I'm still doing one color study a day and it's helping me learn. I did commissions like usual and a little personal project time.

Right after work I gave myself a haircut since my hair was getting long enough to have to bend it out of my eyes. I think I did a good job but it has to settle in for a few days.

Lunch was a few fish sticks and a pack of ramen. I really enjoyed making the ramen, it was top ramen which I was in the mood for as opposed to maruchan. For some reason the coke I always have at lunch hit real hard today.

For the second part of my work I hung out in discord but it was quite loud and I got annoyed. My eyes were also becoming strained. I stuck around for the duration of my productive time and left afterwards.

The afternoon was pretty bland, I played some Hearts of Iron and did some lolligagging. Nothing eventful. I ended up taking care of myself for the first time in a few days and even finished it off with my bestie which was nice. Afterwards we played Zelda and thats all I did until it was time to get ready for bed.

[murfpersonalblog]

I chose Neither, because AMC's gone and effed me up; they completely changed how I think about Claudia now and I love it:

Back when it was just the books and movie, I'd've said Claudia de Lioncourt.

Lestat made her, he was the one in charge, he bought her clothes and taught her to hunt--he was her father; she was the blood of his blood, "evil of his evil," etc. They were just alike, in all the ways that mattered. Although hurt by her betrayal, Lestat is proud of her gumption.

Even down to their physical features, Claudia actually resembled Lestat. Claudia was a female mini clone of Lestat-- Gabrielle in reverse.

And just like Gabrielle, Claudia was strong and independent--but vampirism trapped her, stuck with Lestat in that doll-like little girl body. Meanwhile, vampirism liberated Gabrielle and empowered her, allowing her to shed the societal chains of feminine gender norms to live freely like a man, away from Lestat.

(It's deeply ironic how Viktor is a LITERAL clone of Lestat, while never interacting with his father during his own childhood. And how terrified Lestat was of becoming his own father. It's all wrapped up in the Chateau, and Lestat rebuilding it into something new and better for the next generation of vampires; finally cleansing the land (ie: himself and his family) of the Lioncourts' generational curse/trauma).

It's long been established that AR created Louis as a way to project her experiences as a wife & mother onto him. Lestat's the alpha male, the pater familias, and Louis is the homemaker.

But now that we have this glorious new twist from AMC, my knee-jerk reaction is to say Oh, it's obviously Claudia de Pointe du Lac, right? I mean, it's Daddy Lou and Uncle Les, after all. Aside from what this says about their family dynamic and the inevitable distance that would grow between them; the show itself is self aware enough to know that Louis is the only viable candidate to claim her:

Because AMC!Claudia is black, there's no way they could get away with her taking Lestat's surname without raising some serious eyebrows amongst those racist white people. Even in NOLA, (in)famous for its mixed races and Creole heritage and quadroon/octaroon balls, miscegnation/interracial relationships were an open secret but still kept hush-hush, especially during Jim Crow, when it was outright illegal. It was literally safer for her to have a black man's name (an ex-pimp of all things), than to invite more questions about who Lestat was sleeping/living with. In many ways, having Claudia exposed them too much--"there would be no Roaring 20s for us...."

At Florence's funeral, Louis takes full responsibility for Claudia when explaining her situation to Grace and Levi. Louis is the one in charge of Claudia now, since it's his family he'd need to talk to, and his community she's part of (eg: Louis' the one who had to talk to the black funeral home owner to even buy Claudia's coffin). Lestat is now firmly relegated to the background, removed from "human affairs" the way he insisted that Louis be all those years ago--"you wanted her; you fix her!"

However.... 👀☝️

AMC is on demon time with the way they take the book canon story beats, twist the knife on them, subvert so many gender/societal norms, and all on a bed of racial discourse:

For all that "Uncle Les" is the more effeminate/yassified character, he is (deliberately) written more as the (stereo)typical father figure. He's the "crotchety" disciplinarian who hardens Claudia with having her kill "most ferocious" and watching Charlie burn; getting mad at her "histrionics" while he's the biggest drama queen in the VC. He's the one who buys/controls what Claudia wears (a la book!Lestat), and teaches her how to play chess & hunt, as a way of controlling how she thinks & acts. He actively tries to make her in his own image, another clone, as the coldblooded killer Louis failed to become, and is BIG MAD when Claudia exterts any independence (a la abandonment issues post-Gabrielle). Ultimately, Lestat becomes his own physically abusive father, the Marquis de Lioncourt, who refuses to let his kid (bb!Les/Claudia) run away from home (again) or take his wife (Gabrielle/Louis) away. The colonialist undertones are stark, especially with Lestat being a Frenchman who lived during the French Revolution, and Claudia (and Louis) being Haitian Creoles who dared to rebel against him (a la Toussaint) and slit his throat (a la guillotine).

For all that Louis is the "Daddy Lou" of the family, "this is your father speaking!," he is still (deliberately) written more as the (stereo)typical mother figure: the soft-spoken helicopter mom who's "smothering" Claudia--the "housewife" who desperately wanted a child "no sons, no daughters;" Claudia slept in his coffin; they bonded more (rowboats, bookworms, being new baby vamps together, spoiling/babying her, being more sympathetic over Charlie, etc); Louis didn't want to read her diaries but could still talk with her telepathically; etc.

IIRC, Lestat was physically distanced from them five times: as their Maker he can't read their minds; his fledlings shared a coffin together; as an absentee father he abandoned them in their broken home after Ep5 for almost a decade jfc; as a white man could not sit with them at the back of the bus; the murder plot and his reign as the Swamp/Dump King.

In many ways, Louis' power/authority in that household hinged on what either Lestat or Claudia let him get away with and how much they were willing to let him keep the peace--from who shared Louis' coffin, to how much access Louis had to Claudia's thoughts, to how long Lestat stayed away in Ep6.

Although Louis tried to protect her from Lestat's wrath, he ended up crippled for 3 years, and Claudia was forced to mother HIM instead; feeding and rehabilitating him. She had to be the strong one and face down the monster that had disrespected and attacked her, and beat her parent right in front of her, and turn Lestat and his stupid gifts away, when Louis would've folded like a leaf to take him back. Louis could no longer be her Daddy or look after her--he couldn't even look after himself--and even Lestat knew he wasn't fit to "pick an apple off a tree," let alone be there for his broken family.

TL;DR: Ultimately, it was Claudia who emancipated herself from BOTH her fathers, insisting that she be called their Sister and EQUAL. "Locked together in hatred," she stayed with them because she had no other choice--she wanted to leave for Europe with ONLY Louis, but over and over Lestat wouldn't let her; and Louis wasn't able to leave his husband on his own, not even for "his daughter" Claudia's sake. She was stuck between a tyrant and a vegetable, a real Caesar Salad of a situation, and as usual was forced to "make the best of it." Claudia earned the right to her mononym, surname neither desired nor required! 👸🏾

[castielcommunism]

for me an essential element of dean’s character is that there’s some unspoken part of him that always goes unresolved. like dean is someone who is heavily repressed and limited by the facts of his upbringing and his life, but for me I think that unresolved-ness goes deeper than that. that even if you were to remove him from hunting and permanently place him in a stable and loving environment, there would still be some part of dean that is in perpetual disquiet. collapsing all the tensions that hold dean together would mean collapsing the character itself. and I think where this particular disquiet resides is in the realm of his relationship to masculinity.

and I don’t mean this in a depressing way! I’ve been trying to articulate why certain fanon trends don’t really do much for me personally without sounding like a spoil sport. but I find the popular interpretation of dean as transmasc un-compelling FOR ME PERSONALLY because for me transness has always been about self actualisation. It was like the missing puzzle piece in my life finally slotted into place and I no longer interacted with the world through a haze of existential confusion. my “problem” was, in a word, resolved when I discovered I was trans.

but back to dean. this tension of dean clearly having something vaguely wrong with him and covering it up by trying to be The Perfect Son is such a fundamental component of who he is that, even in an ideal scenario (be it post-canon or alt canon or what have you) where dean is living the normal life he wants to live, there’s just something about him that still feels slightly out of reach. dean is a guy who is never fully at peace with himself and he has, ironically, made peace with that unease. he failed at being a son, he tends to fail pretty frequently at being a man, he failed his brother, he fails fails fails. and the “self-actualisation” component for dean that I’m partial to is one where he embraces this failure for what it is. guess I’m just a bad son! guess I just suck at being a dude! oh well! guess there’s just something wrong with me. and he doesn’t move past that. he just makes peace with that and doesn’t pick at it further.

so like the incredibly specific flavour of trans dean that I like is one where it’s always beneath the surface. it’s not a conscious thing in that he can think about it in concrete terms, it’s just this vague notion of self-otherness that doesn’t go away. he is clearly not good at being a man, and it’s certainly not for lack of trying. but manhood is what he’s used to and what he knows best, so he just keeps going through the motions of being a man because in the grand scheme of things it’s not that big a deal. small, private transgressions of gender are savoured and sporadic, taken at face value as “indulgences” and then never examined beyond that. I like the idea of dean as vaguely nonbinary but he himself isn’t aware of it. it’s always unresolved.

I feel like I’m still not explaining myself well lol. I just personally can’t conceive of dean as someone who goes through big revelations about his identity because a core part of his identity is the fact that he will always be a try-hard and he’ll never quite know why - he did everything his father ever asked of him and it still wasn’t good enough, so it must be something deeper than feeling or reason (the truth of course being that john withheld approval as a form of control, but also dean couldn’t ever be what his dad wanted anyway because he’s not that kind of man). and that informs not only his relationship with other men but also his relationship with his own masculinity. this disquiet with his own manhood hangs eternally suspended, unspoken but present in his life, this almost comforting constant of yeah lol I guess I’m just weird. oh well. he’s not out and proud, nor is he ashamed, it just is what it is.

[asha-mage]

Missing the Mark: Language, Style, and a Discomfort with Ambiguity

I have a lot of respect for Sanderson as an author, even if his books are decidedly Not For Me, I can appreciate that clearly he has enough skill at his craft to have attained a degree of success as an author that few even dream of. And beyond that, reading his forward of The Gathering Storm has never failed to make me burst into tears, as his clear grief and pain at the passing of Robert Jordan comes through in a way that speaks to my own. I've very rarely felt like a kindred spirit to an author the way I do reading that forward, sharing in the loss of someone who was such a huge and important part of my life because of the books he wrote and the impact they had on me.

That said.

I can respect Sanderson's decision not to try imitating Robert Jordan's signature style of writing for fear of it being a kind of disrespect, while still thinking he did not expend enough effort to adapt his own style to the world and characters of WoT. Some of this is subtle (the way he mentions the 'soil made red by iron' or 'the very carbon of their spears'), which while annoying doesn't fully break with the sense of world. But their are cases where it is far more overt and far more jarring.

For example the use of the phrase 'medical aid' in the prologue, despite the fact that the word 'medical' has never appeared anywhere else in the entirety of the story. Sanderson likely does this to distinguish the aid the characters in question (Seanchan sul'dam) will get from the power-based Healing that the readers are more familiar with (which the sul'dam would find repellent). The desire not risk equating lower-case-h healing with Capital H Healing makes sense, since Sanderson doesn't want to confuse the reader. But it betrays a lack of the trust in the reader to be able to distinguish between the two, and more over a lack of imagination to phrase it in a way that wouldn't begat confusion. Instead Sanderson turns to a very modern phrase that doesn't frankly fit the world of WoT.

This is a broader problem with Sanderson, who I've always said writes like one hell of a scientist. He has an innate desire to categorize, identify, and separate terms, resisting ambiguity and doubt in how he writes. Sanderson's tenor sees the term 'channeling' go into common practice by all characters, and distinctions between saidar and saidin users, even among characters for whom it makes no sense to understand those terms or use them. Jordan has most characters, especially ones without much worldly knowledge, lump all use of the One Power together, and think of all channelers as Aes Sedai whether or not it makes logical sense (Rand ran into this problem especially early on internally and externally). Most people are certainly not even really familiar with the terms saidin and saidar for most of the series, not understanding the difference unless they have cause to know. By contrast, even common farmers understand the difference in Sanderson's run, and can draw a clear distinction between Wilders, Aes Sedai, damane, and Asha'man, without any prior experience with those groups, and moreover comfortably use terms like channeler, saidin, and saidar, despite all the fear, doubt, misinformation and ambiguity about the One Power that exists throughout Randland.

This also leaks over into the way Sanderson depicts characters, who all possess a baseline level of self awareness that shows his lack of comfort with ambiguity and doubt. One of the maximums of Jordan's writing is that people in general know very little about themselves, and are more likely to see themselves and others in distorted or incorrect fashions based on their prejudices and basis. I'll talk more about this when I talk about Perrin and Mat specifically (and more over how Mat's charm and Perrin's central character conflict are wrapped up in the distorted views they have of themselves, and the distorted views others have about them), but what's important for this particular meta is that it shows again Sanderson's lack of comfort with ambiguity. Characters always see themselves and their problems with clarity, and the struggle is not a search for understanding of themselves and others, but rather a means to overcome the obstacles of their problems. They also are far less likely to have distorted views of each other, and when characters do judge each other based on biases and misunderstandings, these are often cleared up with very little strife. Gawyn gets the worst of this, where he manages to basically correct his assumptions and biases about Rand entirely on his own through self reflection, without ever ACTUALLY having to confront or speak to Rand to realize he's wrong. Instead he simply magically realizes his own classism and prejudice are the problem, resolves to get over them, does, and never has to deal with it again.

Sanderson writes as I said, like one hell of a scientist: conflicts and characters are clear cut and well defined, as are the terminologies and language that they use to describe their world and each other. Conflict under him becomes more like a mathematical equation, a matter of getting the right pieces and the right characters into the right place to solve the problem at hand, without any of the messy more human parts to meddle with achieving that solution.

This stands in sharp contrast to the way Jordan writes conflict, which is heavily interlocked with how he built his world. Jordan writes conflict and characters as a tangled web, each thread and action pulling on others, shaping the story and events in ways both obvious and subtle, for good and bad. An often repeated maxim of Egwene's character arc, the law of unintended consequences (where regardless of whether what you do has the effect you want it to or not, it will have at least three you never expected and at least one will usually be unpleasant) is largely forgotten under Sanderson, replaced by a much simpler and more direct law: where each action has cause and effect, each problem has a solution, and the conflict lays in overcoming the obstacles to completing those actions, and arriving at those solutions.

Is that a bad way to write? Not really. It's just different. And yet that difference is fundamental, and it clashes with the nature of the story of WoT in a way that, each time it's made apparent, throws me out of the story, sometimes a little bit, sometimes a whole lot.

[sixeyesgojo]

jjk characters handling your period

Summary: “What do you mean, no baby this month either? Okay, suffer then.” - your damn uterus

Pairings: Gojo/Megumi/Nanami/Naoya/Toji x Reader

Content warning: the monthly bloody nightmare your uterus puts you through and the whole shebang that comes with it, language warning, suggestive themes, explicit warning for Toji (you’ll see why)

A/N: purely self-indulgent because I suffer. @megumifushi and @sukirichi , my gals, I gotcha. Also dedicated to all readers who suffer from the same fate (may it be right now or not). Also: Yes, absolutely open the video I linked in Megumi’s part (it’s safe, I promise).

Gojo Satoru

You turn and turn in bed uncomfortably. Something isn’t right, you think and it’s not the fact that Satoru is missing next to you. Not knowing immediately irritates you. All of a sudden you become painfully aware of your lower region. Yes, of course it had to be that time of the month. You just knew you already stained your panties and perhaps the sheets haven’t been spared either. Getting out of bed, then realizing it was already past noon, you sprinted to the bathroom. Fuck, moving fast was not a good idea. 

Having changed the sheets and your stained panties, you made your way to the kitchen. Your stomach growled, signaling you were hungry, but at the same time you feared. Smelling food, let alone tasting too much of it, was a slippery slope – either your nose would protest or your stomach, no in-between. Regardless, you had to eat; or were you supposed to starve to death because of this? Not in this lifetime. “I AM BACK!” an annoyingly loud voice rang through the apartment. You groan and turn around. “Fuck off, Satoru,” you say. Your irritation flaring up for seemingly no reason. “Stop being so motherfucking loud. My head feels like it’s going to split in two and my pussy is fighting the crimson war right now,” you snarled at him.

“Oh honey, seems like I called the right shots then,” he declared proudly and held up a bag filled with... snacks? “I already called in sick for you for the next few days,” Satoru continued to explain as he wrapped his arms around you, “and I’ll be by your side 24/7 for the next two days. We’ll do fun stuff. How does movie night with lots of cuddling for tonight sound?”

“Why are you so nice to me right now?” you mumbled, tears welling up in your eyes. “Simple: I don’t want to be castrated by you,” he whispered back and planted a kiss on your cheek. “Fair enough. What will we do tomorrow?” He stayed silent but pulled out a black card out of his sleeve. You gasped.

Fushiguro Megumi

Ping. A notification. Quickly, you scrambled to get your phone to see what that was about. You desperately needed some distraction right now. The pain was too much. Your boyfriend Megumi had gone somewhere you didn’t know. All you knew was that your boobs were sore, the sensitive nipples rubbing against the fabric were already too much. In addition to that, you also experienced period cramps, resulting in back pain as well. Life was not easy at the moment but at least you could lay in bed for today, doing absolutely nothing.

Unlocking your phone, you saw a new message from Yuji: “omg look at this???” [Video link] It was a video of 42 seconds. There was a cute seal – probably the cutest and fluffiest seal you have ever seen – and background music. It may have only lasted 42 seconds but it definitely triggered some happy feelings inside you; it was so pure and you loved the energy of the clip. Perhaps these feelings were a bit too intense and overwhelming. Tears streamed down your face and you started sobbing uncontrollably. Why were you like this? It wasn’t even a sad video, was it?

You buried your face in the blankets, weeping as if someone just broke up with you. Through your loud crying, you did not notice the door opening. A jangling noise could be heard from your nightstand. Instantly, you shot up to check for intruders but luckily, it was Megumi. A frown spread on his face. “What happened?” he asked as his thumbs wiped your tears from your cheeks. You showed him the video, still sobbing, “Look at the seal... It’s so c-cute. I just... got emotional because it really t-traveled the world. This cutie deserves the whole world...”

“And so do you,” he bluntly stated, “now take the ibuprofen I brought you for the cramps and rest up.” As a matter of fact, he not only brought you painkillers but a hot water bottle and food as well.

Nanami Kento

“No, give me that. Lay down and rest. I can dust off the shelves on my own,” his deep voice commanded. If there was a man that screamed “male wife” it was definitely Nanami Kento, particularly when it came to you being on your period. You weren’t allowed to do anything in the house, except for very light chores. With good reason. “Kento, I can do–” Yeah, no, it wasn’t possible and Kento knew it too well.

You weren’t lucky when it came to period symptoms. Besides excruciating back pain, extremely sore breasts and headaches, you also had the luck to suffer from dizziness every single time you experienced the monthly nuisance. The first time you even passed out. In fact, it had happened several times. And that was precisely how Kento decided to not let you do anything. Still, you felt bad to leave everything to Kento. His work already demanded so much from him and here you were, being babied and even spoon-fed. You didn’t even have to cook your own meals or wash and iron laundry.

You had barely said those words when the unwelcome whirling sensation took you over again. Your feet wobbled, you were in danger of crashing to the ground. In a flash, Kento was by your side to steady you. “I told you not to overdo it.” He cupped your cheek with his warm hand. “Sorry, Kento. I’ll... just rest for a minute.”

Zenin Naoya

Period pain? Laughable. Naoya thought it was pathetic. A woman – these already weak creatures – having period symptoms was a mystery to him. What could possibly hurt about bleeding a little? He couldn’t understand. Your pitiable and sorry state was only another inconvenience to him. Not that you hindered him in any way – you were obedient enough to be quiet and complain as little as possible – but he absolutely despised seeing that annoying expression of pain on your face every time he had to look at it.

Hell, he didn’t even want to engage in sexual activities with you during that time, even though he had randomly picked up somewhere that it might help. Not that he wanted to help you, it was your problem and yours only, not his. “Stop looking at me with those eyes. It’s disgusting,” he remarked condescendingly as he got dressed for wherever he had to go. “When will you be back?” you croaked out but he totally ignored you.

“Women are so damn weak. It’s so fucking pathetic, I almost want to give you a hug,” Naoya gagged. He was about to leave the room but stopped in his tracks. Looking over his shoulder, he caught a glimpse of your face that was contorted with pain. In long strides, he made it to one of the cabinets, fished out a tiny box and threw it on the bed. “Tsk, you better get well soon so you can serve me again, dumb bitch.”

Fushiguro Toji (soft)

Work hadn’t been treating him kindly: not yesterday, not today, not ever. Although he was highly capable and never failed to exceed himself, all Toji truly wanted to do was to go home. When he finally made it through the door, he called out, “Am home.” Usually, you would come running to greet him but when nothing but silence greeted him, his hand instantly moved to the cursed creature lingering on his shoulder. It was suspicious. Did enemies manage to find this hideout? Where were you? His hands started sweating.

Stealthily, he approached the kitchen. To his surprise, he saw your form in front of the counter, hunched over in pain. Dropping his offensive stance immediately, he quickly strode over to check on you. “Hey, what are you doing there?” he asked, hesitatingly putting a hand on your shoulder. You looked at him, grimacing with pain, “Oh, Toji. I didn’t realize you were home yet. Sorry, I’m not done cooking dinner yet, I just feel so nauseous, exhausted and my entire back  and shoulders hurt so much. It’s so sore.” “I see.” He nodded, understanding what was happening. Suddenly, he lifted you effortlessly. You squealed, “Toji!! What are you doing?!” “Taking care of you,” he promised. “But dinner!” “Don’t care.”

Making his way to the bedroom, Toji laid down with you on top of him. Something about his warmth already made you feel better but as his large palms rubbed your back in circular motions, you felt as if you were in heaven. Toji’s ministrations soothed the pain so well, you almost let out a moan. Now that the pain didn’t overshadow all the other symptoms anymore, the drowsiness took over. “Toji, ‘m tired,” you mumbled; eyelids fluttering already. “Then sleep. I’ll take care of dinner later,” he whispered. You only hummed in response, already far too gone. Slowly but surely, his steady heartbeat lulled you to sleep. “Sleep tight.”

Taglist: @megumifushi​ @gojos-mochi​ @assbuttbaek​ @bleueluna​