#he’s self aware of his failings and that’s part of his failings ironically enough

[zeb-z]

Arthur Bennett was chemically made in a lab for me to go insane over I think. he’s got a guilt only an older sibling could have and a drive for vengeance that is half driven by his own self hatred. yet still he strives for peace. he’s desperate to cling to any humanity, any hope. he’s aware he’s fallible. it doesn’t save him

[paymechildsupport]

Puppet Boy // Suguru Geto x M!Cursed!Reader

In which: Reader is a cursed ‘puppet’, a product of another Cursed User’s CT that happens to end up in Geto's grasp.

-!! M!Reader (usage of the word, 'boy'), -- AMAB --> Reader as a dick (creative liberties can be taken though for any non-dick havers 😋)

--------

-!! explicit warnings: oral / praise / degradation / dacryphilia / coming in pants / shoe grinding

——✩‧˚︶꒦꒷꒷

'You were created to be used as a puppet, a tool of mass destruction. The creation of the same people that were the higher ups of Jujutsu Tech, (a government bio weapon, essentially) You were a masterpiece, on the road to becoming the most powerful cursed entity in the modern day of Jujutsu. However, once ‘refinements’ were beginning to be made you couldn’t help but question yourself, — your masters. You began to question: ‘why?’ Why must you follow their orders? Why must you accept sleeping on the cold floor while they get the nice beds? Why do you eat only scraps while they massive feasts? Why must you go back in your cage once your need for use is up while they get nice houses, nice beds,— nice lives? 

You despised: and just as you began to refine your sense of self, your human consciousness— did they make a move to destroy you. Scrap you. You were a failed prototype,— a being that got just a lil’ too human for their comfort. 

But you had just gotten your consciousness, and you’d be damned if you’d just lie there and let them take it away from you. 

So you ran, shattered your chains,— and sprinted as fast as you could from jujutsu society. 

And you ran, and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran,— far, far away. So far, in fact, you managed to find yourself in the domain of the most wanted man alive; ‘The Most Dangerous Curse User’— Suguru Geto. 

He was entranced, completely infatuated with your existence, and charmed by your burning hatred for the same higher ups as he had. 

Geto had to have you,— and you were half certain he would turn you into a nice compacted orb and swallow you whole— he sure looked like he wanted to. Yet he didn’t. 

He had other plans for you…

——✩‧˚︶꒦꒷꒷

You choke pathetically, letting out a strangled whimper. The noise only prompts Geto to grab your hair harder, yanking your head upwards to meet his smirking face, a smug look plastered.

“You’re doing so good pretty darling,” he cooed, rich saccharine voice pushing you closer and closer to the edge, “c’mon, isn’t this what you were made for? To be used for?” His tone turned slightly condescending, only making your raging erection throb if anything. 

How did you get here: a shiny tool, made by the greatest sorcerers of the century, a weapon of mass destruction, turned into a fleshlight by the most wanted man in the world? 

Your determination to live, despite being scrapped and left for dead by your masters, sparked something within Suguru Geto. Something he had only ever seen in himself. He had to admit, the moment he laid eyes on you he had been dreaming of this, and not just as a ‘fuck you’ to those insufferable, monkey sympathizing higher-ups, —(well, maybe a big part of it was that— for both him and you)— but that so similar look of pure hatred and malice that Geto had only ever seen in the mirror caused something to stir. It seemed his teenage hormones had finally caught up with him. 

You were left in nothing but your boxers, grinding pathetically on the Cursed User’s shoe. You were already soaking, as he was very aware.

“Fuck, oh just like that….— ha…., good boy” he groaned, the praise going straight to your cock. You moaned in response, the vibrations of your throat against his dick were almost enough to send Geto flying over the edge. 

He paused, his iron grip slightly loosening on your head. You look up questioningly through your teary lashes, his cock still hanging in your mouth, rock hard. 

Geto inhales sharply, “ha… did.. I say you could stop..?” His glare sends a shiver down your spine, “useless puppet, can’t even do a simple task on his own without orders from his master” he sneers, fisting a handful of your hair once again, this time moving your head up and down himself. 

Your body went slack, pure bliss pumping through you to be used in such an erotic way. You grind yourself harder against his sandaled foot, abs flexing as you strain to milk as much pleasure as possible. A wet spot already forming on your boxers. 

Geto was so close, his cock twitched uncomfortably in your mouth, precum crying from his tip, pooling and dribbling down your chin. He groaned at the absolute filth of the act, only turning him on even more, his movements sped up. 

“What a good little whore,” he huffed, “just imagine the look on your masters’ faces if they were to ever see their— fuck,... hah… — tool used as a mere pleasure toy for such a disgraced individual such as myself….” his movements grew rapid as dirty talk and filthy words continued to flow from his lips, “huff, — they would be absolutely .. revolted at you whoring yourself out to me,..--  hah… hah,.... - my good, — good, boy” he moved at a grueling pace, desperately fucking himself into your mouth. 

Your moans were almost pornographic, nearly causing Geto to paint your throat white right there. He carefully angled his foot upwards, hitting your obsessive rutting right on your prostate. You gasp as you come, hard, – soaking his throbbing cock even more with your spit as you choke. You look up with worship through your hooded, lust clouded eyes, tears streaming down your face. 

You might just be the most beautiful thing Geto has ever seen. He’s never wanted someone else in such a way, but now, it dawned that he wanted you so much more passionately and desperately than any other person or worldly possession.

“Holy fuck,... baby, my beautiful baby-,” the praises tumble from his mouth before he even knew what he was doing, his mind turning to mush from how fucking well you took him. You really were made just for him. 

“God, you… gasp… you—“ Geto starts to slur like a drunk, “I didn’t even need to touch you, and you, -  ha-... came–  aha.. Ah~.. -  all on your own…  g-god you’re so fucking perfect… mmmhmmmm~...  my perfect, perfect little — oooOOH~.” 

Geto is sent over the edge, moaning lewder than a fucking pornstar, his white hot cum shooting down your throat and painting your mouth white. You take it all, eagerly lapping him down, milking him for every last drop. Geto can only watch you in awe as you swallow every drop, some dribbling out of your mouth and down to your chin, mixing with heaps of your drool. 

He huffs in amusement, reaching out and wiping your chin with his thumb. 

God, you really were made for him, almost like it was prophesied and written in the stars. 

“Fuck,.... did they make the biggest mistake letting you go, .. my pretty puppet. You’re mine..

… all mine.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[A/N]: I had this is my drafts for a while so it's lowkey kinda old, -- still really like the idea of a cursed 'puppet' though: a curse that didn't stem from a human's negative emotions, -- but rather bioengineered by the higher-ups, -- who then went rogue / broke away after gaining consciousness. In this particular instance, the puppet was a very undercover top secret hush hush kinda thing, -- they didn't trust Gojo or really any of the other teachers -- but mainly Gojo, cuz well, he's a lil' goofball and who knows what kinda shenanigans he could get up to. (Plus, Geto would've been thinking of Gojo while smashing the puppet, you can't tell me otherwise 🥶

This was done at like 4am, -- I could definitely refine it a lot more -- lemme know if you want me to do more wit this. Like, have numerous characters x puppet!reader, -- I have a lot of ideas for Sukuna, Geto and Gojo (or even both, Satosugu).

( Srsly tho, i have a lot of ideas 🥶 just lmk :3 )

[klayleyism]

As per popular demand (literally 12 votes) I'm getting into what can be considered the controversial aspect of klayley

Or What the show failed to address

This is really also a character study for my girl Hayley all at once in regards to how her overlooked trauma affected her relationships ( because I love @bloodsoakedfangs )

Hayley never knew her family all she's aware of is that they gave her up, and her adoptive parents simply kicked her out at the young age of 13 I believe after finding out what she is,

She's an abandoned little girl forced to roam the streets on her own, that is both absolutely terrifying and very risky, there's no limits to what she might have gone through and seen as both a kid but also a girl if we're being realistic, which is a direct cause of her hyper independence, she was forced to rely on herself completely since childhood

Now in regards to Klaus, when she meets him, despite the disdain she understandably has for him there's also attraction, one she's fully aware of and okay with, she knows he's a horrible person but she's also self aware enough to know she's no better

So despite everything he's done to her friends including Tyler it wasn't enough to stop her from succumbing to that attraction, and as she herself states in ep 1, it's pretty common for her to go for that type of men

Straight forward to 1x02, the episode that pretty much seals the deal, so for a starter this will go into sensitive issues but unlike the writers I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but you can leave idk

Klaus is in fact very unstable, any slight provocation sends him off the rails, he has severe ptsd as a result of the abuse he endured and clearly suffers from abandonment issues, and that's not to justify or excuse anything he's ever done but rather it serves partially as an explanation for why he is the way he is , you CANNOT honest to God expect him to be able to be in or maintain a healthy relationship,

Similarly to hayley , who also suffers from abandonment issues and doesn't have a healthy perception of love or relationships which is why she always sabotages any healthy relationship she's in and ends up constantly running back to Klaus and giving her all in her quest for the family she fantasizes of finally having

Her reaction to what he does in that episode is when you see the trauma bonding part

He physically assaults her, almost killing her both and the baby in response to what he perceived as a threat of "leaving him" or pretty much being able to easily "take away" that fantasy he too has of a family he secretly wished for, to have something he can truly call his own, and maybe even heal what Mikael broke in him which is ironically why he got angry, she hit him where it hurts, the "kill her and the baby" was bullshit and how furious he was when she almost left him proves it, he was both worried he's being played by the witches AND scared of failing this child the way his father did, (he liked hayley too much to do shit to her as tvd proved already if he was ever careless about her she would've been gone by tvd 4x16 instead of him genuinely risking his life and his family's to just have dinner with her and then willingly let her go without her providing the life or death info she's nonchalantly holding back)

Even next morning when he tries to make up for what he did in his own way, he asks why she didn't just "leave him" and that he deserved it, by that point he calmed down, is clearly regretful and knew what he did had nothing to do with hayley, he was angry with himself

Hayley's reaction (who's very straightforward and dangerously bold, something Klaus admired in her since the beginning) to a violent man being To smile at him the very next morning, casually talk to him , being happy when he offers to do something as decent as fixing the air conditioning

is if anything a sad testament to how she's holding on to any crumb of affection he has to offer, to that dream of a family she never had growing up.

And throughout the first two seasons he still never learns, he still willingly puts her and THEIR child in mortal danger again in 1x06 because unsurprisingly he's jealous of Elijah's interest in her

She calls him horrible for it as she should and says Elijah is infinitely better than him but when he forces her to go back home and shuts off Elijah and Rebekah, her reaction (5x08) is to tell him that after ALL THAT, she wants to believe in him, and to not fail her, and is once again happy he agrees to get rid of the dead bodies he left to rot in the the middle of the compound ????

Her acknowledgement of him putting her and his child at risk twice because he's "a notorious Psycho" as she called him and that Elijah is a good man but at the same time staying with him after almost just leaving and still settling for whatever decency he may provide at some point

It's classic trauma bonding, where after anything horrible he does that throws her off he does something "nice" that makes her believe he may change, it might be worth it. Hence, the "I want to believe in you" it's not that she has a good reason to believe in him, it's that she desperately wants him to be what she sees in Elijah

And ultimately it's not even that she wants him to be better, she had Elijah, she had Jackson but it didn't stop her from bending over backwards for Klaus of all people but leaving Elijah whenever she has to put in any bit of work

Elijah and Jackson's sole appeal was that they loved her greatly, she felt loved, they were easy to love, they were good but when it came to putting in the work to make these perfectly healthy relationships work she dips, but all her energy is invested in a situationship (the term fits here sorry 😭) where Klaus keeps bringing them back to ground 0,

She also despite having Elijah and Rebekah says she's "sure she'll be doing this alone" in regards to Klaus probably not being a traditional father

When Mikael calls him all sorts of vile things , which from Hayley's perspective are all valid, she should agree with him , instead she hates Michael, defends Klaus saying none of it is true and stops calling Mikael Klaus's father

This ties well with season 2 where hayley literally blames Klaus for all the people coming after hope, she could've left but she goes with the option of marrying Jackson and staying even as it drove Elijah away ( tbf she also married Jackson for him which is funny because she literally went on to marry the low maintainance guy because she simply didn't want to work for her relationship with Elijah despite killing herself for Klaus of all people)

She stays because Klaus asked her to after swearing up and down she's leaving when her daughter was almost murdered /blown to pieces in one day due to what she perceived to be Klaus's indirect fault but she didn't give a fuck about Elijah begging her not to leave AFTER Klaus took the heat for killing Aiden and finally pushing her over the limits

She has said prior to that , to Klaus's face, that she's leaving for good if he doesn't change his ways

So it's absolutely telling when it's proven Klaus was her main, sole even, tie to the mikaelsons including ELIJAH 💀, that when she felt like she's too sick of his shit she ditches everyone FOR GOOD

She finds comfort in him and only him at her lowest, pushing Elijah away and only getting better when it's Klaus telling her she's family and boosting her confidence,

Same exact things Elijah said, except it's coming from the person that truly matters to her, she doesn't yell,she actually sits down and listens to him and eventually he's the only person to understand her and successfully gets her out of crippling depression and self loathing, as Elijah himself noted ironically

Hayley defends him abandoning her and hope,to go commit mass murder somewhere else, tells him she won't give up on him,writes him countless letters to tell him she misses him and she wouldn't have wanted anything to be different , including all her trauma mind you, because it led them to having hope together, something she wouldn't have changed

Now keeping everything he did especially in season 1 and 2 in mind,and her having other romances, she tells Klaus she wouldn't change the fact he's hope's father

That's how dedicated she was to him

Hayley did NOT love Elijah, she was attracted to him sure, he was first to show her kindness at a time she needed it most, especially from klaus

And he made her feel loved, something she craved

When it was easy she welcomed it but he wasn't worth staying for, fighting for or even getting to know given they both did not know or like each other beyond the romanticized version

What she had for Klaus,{ while for all the wrong reasons since she wasn't one with a healthy understanding of love due to trauma and abandonment, } was unconditional love, she knew exactly what he was, how vile and sadistic he can be, is a first hand witness to all of what he can be too but it made her attachment to him and the sacrifices she was willing to make for him all the more stronger,

It's the "show don't tell" version of the all consuming devotion d*lena and the other ships failed to have

Mainly because they're both similar in the way that they were both fucked up individuals, both self aware and know they aren't good people and both desperate for love, love that truly sees them for what they are but doesn't shy away from it, it's why she's the ONLY love interest he calls family, and family as he describes is above all others, worth everything, the only constant for him,more reasons why it's very dumb to say he loved any other woman more than her .

Klaus and hope (being two faces of the same coin for her) are the single most important people to hayley,above literally everyone else , the two people she spared a glance before offing herself

The ones she fought tooth and nail for,risked everything for on multiple occasions

Hayley was a complicated character, she's damaged and all she knew from others was abuse and abandonment

It's why Klaus is familiar, safe, her comfort zone

She uses the two healthy relationships she has to feel better about herself, discards them when it's convenient but does ALL that, endures all that from a man who's treatment of her is typical, why she defends him and risks everything for him and is more than happy with the tiniest bit of love he has for her can be summarized in trauma bonding and "daddy issues" , he's an older guy with all the power here , he's emotionally unavailable, unpredictable and quite violent but occasionally calls her with an endearing nickname "little wolf" and can be soft with her, why while she revels in pissing him off and challenging his authority he's the only man she keeps running back to and can actually get her to listen to him when no one else can

While, like she herself says even when she hates the living shit out of him for all the ways he hurts her (out of love from his perspective) she can't help but love him

They're basically a match made in hell, they have no limits to what they'd do for each other, and out of every other one of their ships they're the only ones with an actual relationship where they fully see, understand, accept and love each other no matter how heinous they can be

And if anything it makes sense because at that point they were both too far gone to know what healthy love looks like

They develop at season 3 but that's a different convo

The main point is that I can still talk about their relationship because it was actually written surprisingly well despite the neglect and are very,very complex and multi layered outside of classical and empty romance

Klayley, through hope, what the show was built around and who they are as characters was pretty much a part of the show's heart and core all while integrating romantic elements without it becoming their sole defining characteristic

Something you can't say about the other romantic relationships in the show

[skaruresonic]

If you want something to lighten the mood, how about some old!Shadaria headcanons? ^^

Welp. You asked for it. xP ---

>>Maria and Shadow live in an ancient pine forest next to a temple called Matsu Temple. "Matsu" is a common pun in Japanese poetry, meaning both "pine (tree)" and "to wait, to yearn." Words which describe the general gist of their relationship.

>>The actual structure of Matsu Temple, when looked down on from above, is shaped like a five-point maple leaf and covered with dark green lacquered tile. Neither Maria nor Shadow really know what deity was worshipped there; when they first found the altar, all it bore was a stone statue of a hedgehog (that looks suspiciously like Sonic) that held a small bowl of pinecones and dried pitch. Metal Sonic destroys the temple when he grabs Shadow and hurls him through all five tiers of the roof. Ouch. And Shadow had just finished repairing the shinbashira, too. >:c >>Maria is a seamstress and occasional dressmaker who specializes in making kimono. She used to tailor Ivo's clothes because he would outgrow them quickly. Even now she thinks his black bodysuit is tacky, but she can't deny that he'd had the coat well-tailored xP

>>Maria sporadically dates the Commander, who is not affiliated with the ARK here but is just Some Army Guy named Mike lol. Except Maria is extra so she always calls him ~Michael~ in That Tone of voice, if you know what I mean. Shadow has beef with him for no other reason than petty jealousy; he tends to criticize ~Michael~ for the same traits he has, such as stubbornness, with absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever. Needless to say, Maria finds this quite amusing xP >>Eggman-inflicted trauma is really the secret sauce that makes Old!Shadria hit so much better for me. They both abide by a general policy of "do not mention Ivo at any cost" lest The Horrors(tm) seep out. >>One difference between games canon and the Cousin AU is that Ivo adopted his father's habit of calling Shadow "mutt" or "dog" as a child and continues to do so to this day; he will not refer to Shadow by name.

>>The Robotnik household was incredibly insular. While Maria's frail health kept her from being a part of public life, it was, ironically, Ivo's genius that isolated him in a similar manner. His father did away with traditional education by arguing that Gerald was the only one sufficiently qualified to teach his son. The only people Ivo saw growing up with any regularity were Gerald, Shadow, and Maria. Since familiarity breeds contempt, such an environment fostered his bad temper (which Gerald foolishly sought to distract or pacify due to his fondness for the boy) and his constant need for attention. >>The onus of raising Ivo lay mostly on Shadow and Maria. The thornier aspects of their shared Eggman-related trauma rest on their guilt that they "failed" him in some way, even though they never should have been forced into caretaker roles to begin with.

>>Maria was more willing to get into childish arguments with Ivo due being closer in age to her cousin, while Shadow proved a stricter disciplinarian. This dynamic still continues in the present day, with Sonic being like "sheesh, why is Shadow so grumpy?" and Maria like "that's just how he is ^,^" >>Shortly after Gerald's death of pneumonia one unfortunate winter, Maria ran away from home and took Shadow with her. Her uncle was already planning on sending her off to boarding school, which already felt unfair to the young girl on the brink of graduating high school, but what pushed her over the edge was when her uncle looked Shadow dead in the eye and said "I will not have an animal raise my son." She grabbed Shadow's wrist in one hand, a valise in the other, and left.

>>To this day Maria still harbors guilt over "stealing" Shadow's freedom; she will admit that, for as angry as her uncle's remark made her, she dragged Shadow away like a pet in a carrier (not true, but that's just what she thinks from her POV). Ironically enough, Shadow feels he's stolen Maria's dreams of a family. They don't discuss these things, finding them too painful to give a voice.

>>The first few years the duo spent on their own were really rough without the Robotnik wealth to support them. That winter they squatted in an abandoned house infested with rats. In addition, Maria needs to take pills for her body to continue accepting Shadow's cure, with similar consequences as transplant rejection if she fails to take them. Ivo stole half of her pills as one last "fuck you," forcing her to dice her medication into smaller and smaller doses until she passed out.

>>Shadow battered the doors of a nearby church until a kindly pastor let them in. He helped the two find lodgings; Maria found work as a junior seamstress while Shadow went into forestry.

>>Boy likes cutting down trees, lol. He repaired the Temple mostly by himself and he's always fucking off into the woods with his ax in order to fix this thing or that. Maria affectionately calls him "the world's smallest lumberjack" <3

>>Shadow's katana is called Yuruganu Shinjitsu, "Unwavering Truth," while his wakizashi is Orihime, or "Weaver Maiden."

>>Shadow and Maria are both vegetarians. However, Shadow can be bribed with chocolate. ...Sometimes. >>They have two ginger tabby cats named Gumdrop and Butterscotch (guess who named them :P) >>Maria loves having visitors and is delighted whenever Sonic, Tails, Amy, or Cream visit. Shadow, on the other hand, gives everybody a bit of cold shoulder except Cream, whom he respects for her unfaltering manners. >>Both are in the habit of calling each other "sir" and "ma'am." Not in a Surge and Kit kind of way, but in a tongue-in-cheek way. Shadow's a little less likely to call her "ma'am," though. >>Shadow tends to be quite protective of Maria's health, sometimes to the point of being overbearing. His constant reminders to keep this appointment or refill that prescription wear on her nerves, even if she knows he's well-meaning. >>Shadow and Maria first meet Sonic after he takes refuge from a pursuing Metal Sonic inside the temple. Shadow disposes of Metal before the robot can deliver a fatal strike and carries an unconscious Sonic into the house to recover. Following the initial wave of worry and concern, Maria fangirls a little bit when she realizes their guest's identity... Only for her excitement to curdle into panic as she realizes she needs to hide The Evidence(tm) of their relationship to Eggman. Which is a bit absurd because the two already hid their family photos, but trauma isn't exactly rational, so. >>"What are we going to tell Sonic?" becomes a difficult and protracted series of discussions whispered between them. Sonic eventually notices something is up, but refrains from commenting, figuring they're working through some kind of rough patch. >>Maria frequently wonders what the ARK is like now, and misses being up there. >>When the two first started living at Matsu Temple, they made the near-fatal mistake of inviting the 17-year-old Ivo (who called Maria at 3 in the morning just to say "dad kicked the bucket and they're arguing about his estate yippee" in the most deadpan voice ever lol) to stay with them. Let's just say it ended with a huge fire almost destroying the entire grounds and Maria developing lifelong claustrophobia because Ivo had locked her in a closet at gunpoint. Truly some fatherless behavior xP >>The next time either of them heard of Ivo again was when news reports about the Perfect Chaos incident appeared on TV. Maria had been reading a magazine in a waiting room and promptly left to go wretch in the bushes outside. >>Like her cousin, Maria has a temper, but it's more of a flash in the pan than the full-on temper tantrums Eggman indulges in. She can also be prideful at times, albeit not nearly to the extent that Ivo is. Shadow, conversely, appears dour to most people. (Really, he's just quiet.) >>Nowadays Eggman taunts Maria that she married "the family dog" (although if Starline's in the picture, she's just as quick to point out his hypocrisy xP). >>Sonic is confused when he picks a photograph of Gerald and Maria off the floor. As he doesn't like secrets, he feels a little weird that Shadow would choose to hide a family photograph beneath the floorboards, but he quickly figures that they two probably kept their secret for a reason. >>Last but not least, Shadow is extremely oblivious to the notion that he may have feelings for Maria, simply because they've been living together for so long that he's normalized their situation. It takes Amy pointing out that they already act like an old married couple that he has his italicized Oh moment.

[holygroundgone]

AND WHEN IT COMES TO CHU WANNING

His mental illness is very much a big part of his character!

His strong moral convictions and stoicism and asceticism are only compounded by his strong belief that he's an inherently insufficient person, that he's too stiff and harsh and ugly to be liked by other people.

You can point at his disciples and Xue Zhengyong and say that belief is misplaced, but is it really? His perception of the world and the way it reacts to him is incurably pessimistic, yes, but it's true that people avoid him. Chu Wanning's disciples might genuinely like him but all three have their reasons for avoiding him or acting aloof with him.

It isn't enough to break past his existing convictions. He is not going to act in a way not backed up by his own perception of how the world is and how it reacts to him.

If he believes he is unlovable and too old and ugly why on earth would he ever open up in the slightest about his feelings for Mo Ran? His sense of propriety as a shizun and in general is very strong. He wants to do things the right way because he feels like because it's himself, if he doesn't do it the right way it will be unforgivable.

His incredibly low self esteem is something he has come to terms with in his life and has accepted as a matter of course.

There's no point in apologizing or making excuses for himself when it'll only make him look like a hypocrite when he continues to act in the only way he has ever learned to be. There's no point in softening himself if it'll only result in him being thrown away. He's lived this way so long, wouldn't he look insane to change now? And if he did, what would it reveal about him to other people?

I also see a lot of people castigating Chu Wanning for his attachment to a young Mo Ran which I feel is unfair given:

1. He actively distances himself from Mo Ran and does his best to avoid showing him favor because of his infatuation (which ironically causes a lot of the mishaps in the book but i would say he tries to act responsibly in regards to this) and successfully shows no signs of this attachment that anyone and especially Mo Ran can recognize

2. He's aware that he's like this because Mo Ran is from his perspective the first person who chose him for him, is unyieldingly kind and affectionate despite Chu Wanning's instinctive hedgehog spikes. He's aware that it's his own pathetic failing for being such a lonely person.

3. It's explicitly stated that he never wanted anything to come of it, he never actually rationally wanted to be with Mo Ran beyond what his heart impulsively yearned for which he constantly got upset with himself for

The way that he punishes Mo Ran and uses physical violence on him especially impulsively when triggered by anger at Mo Ran's indecency or by his own jealousy is awful, a marked character flaw, but I think it's somewhat understandable when you consider the only example he had for a shizun in his life.

Huaizui is shown at the end of the memory scroll (and i would consider Huaizui's memory scroll to be incredibly (likely unconsciously) emotionally manipulative on his part, constructed in a very specific way that reveals Huaizui's flawed perspective) to react with impulsive anger and violence to Chu Wanning's disobedience. I really have to doubt that it was the first time he reacted in such a way.

I think through reverse engineering there have to be some of Chu Wanning's character flaws that must've come from Huaizui's upbringing- impulsive violence, the uselessness of apologies and excuses, hiding himself, an inability to do chores and basic self-care

Huaizui's few pieces of memories of a young Chu Wanning are interesting- in them Chu Wanning acts like a 'completely normal' and sweet child, but the Chu Wanning we know is naturally fussy, extremely stubborn with strong convictions and picky. In other words, he is autistic. But the child Chu Wanning in these memories shows very little sign of these traits. Did he change completely after what Huaizui put him through at the end there? Was every moment they shared exactly like those sweet and easy moments in the memories?

I really doubt it.

I think those memories were Huaizui's favorite moments with his undeserved disciple. His less favorite moments are easy to imagine, and so are his reactions to them. Chu Wanning was someone he always thought of with a dehumanizing and almost possessive sense of mind- "this piece of wood that I carved for the sake of absolving my sins". Any guilt he feels in thinking of a child in this way was clearly deserved and equally clearly not enough to stop him from locking him up in a cave and telling him to carve out his core.

Chu Wanning's self-dehumanization had to have come from somewhere, and I don't think it only started there at the end of their relationship.

Impulsive violence in reaction to disobedience is what Chu Wanning learns from a young age. And even then after whipping Mo Ran for plucking Madam Wang's rare flower he still questions himself and is questioning what he's done.

I do think that it's a flaw Chu Wanning still needs to learn and grow out of given that in postcanon after two years of living together he still whips Taxian-Jun- something the man is clearly terrified of.

In general I think ranwan have a lot to grow and develop from postcanon before they can be a genuinely healthy couple but given that from the bottom of their hearts they want the best for each other and for the other to be happy at any cost to their own person... I think they are going to make it.

[bylightofdawn]

WIP Sunday

Going to post a snippet of the Reeve/Rufus fanfic I've been working on the past couple of days. It's coming along pretty quickly, which is an ongoing relief. For context, Reeve has come to Rufus and is trying to tender his resignation and Rufus being Rufus of course makes it into one ridiculous powerplay with a lot of manipulation.

Reeve is tired and over the bullshit. I feel like I'm writing a little...harsher than I've seen people write him in fanfic but I figure after everything that has happened and the fact Rufus is practically still in the enemy column in Reeve's books...well, lets say it's going to take a while to get to the lovers part of this enemies to lovers tropefest.

As always, this is super rough and not really edited, it is liable to change yadda yadda.

Whenever Rufus Shinra looked at his most harmless, that was when he was at his deadliest.

“You know, I could have you executed for the traitorous actions you took in aiding AVALANCE and undermining my authority.”

“You won’t do that.” The engineer stated, voice surprising even despite the way heart rabbited in his chest at a wild pace.

That earned him a raised brow and an ironic look from the blond. “I won’t, will I? Tell me, Tuesti, are you a betting man?”

“You won’t kill me because you still need me and my skills.” Reeve had learned to bluff with the best of them and he could only pray that Rufus didn’t scrutinize him too closely for fear he might see beneath the paper-thin veneer of his bluff and read just how privately terrified he was.

“It seems to me I could just refuse to let you leave and then you’ll have no choice but to provide those skills to me. I made no promises you'd be allowed to leave here.” Rufus countered lazily.

“You really want an architect with an axe to grind against you personally working on a building project for you? Isn’t having a building fall on your head once in a lifetime enough for you?” That was a spiteful, mean-spirited comment, and Reeve immediately felt guilty for uttering it, but Rufus’s attitude was getting under his skin.

Rufus flinched in a subtle, almost imperceptible manner, making the guilt even worse. He hated that the blond brat had managed to drag him down to his level of trading barbed comments.

“My apologies, that was uncalled for.”

“I’m not sure I like your new claws, Tuesti. But I’m willing to entertain this ridiculous idea of yours. What exactly do you think you can do with the support of Shinra at your back? You do realize you need money to fund your high-minded projects.”

“I’m aware,” Reeve said tightly but found himself hesitant to mention the donors and money-raising efforts they’d already gotten in order to help make Edge a little more livable.

“Fine, keep your secrets. You never answered me before. Are you a betting man, Reeve?”

He found himself gaping at the other man because honestly, had he never met Cait Sith? Dancing on the razor-edged blade of chance was half of Cait’s battle style. And where had the animatronic cat gotten that penchant for fortune telling and rolls of the dice but from his creator himself?

Reeve had projected a lot of his innermost self into the creation of Cait Sith. In many ways, the animatronic cat was the best parts of Reeve Tuesti. Or at least, the parts of himself he wished he could openly express and reveal to the world.

“Depends on the bet.” The older man finally stated cautiously.

A thin smile broke out on that flawless face as Rufus leaned forward ever so slightly.

“If you can last six months under your own power and prove you can pull these lofty plans off alone, I will fund your organization for an entire year. If you fail, you return to me and put this nonsense about leaving to bed once and for all.”

Reeve recognized the collar that was being offered plainly for what it was.

Anxiety curdled in his stomach at the thought of shackling himself to Shinra potentially for life.

But the chance….

The slim hope he might actually be able to do some good and hopefully wash some of the blood on his hands away. Even a lifetime of servitude to the likes of Rufus Shinra seemed like a worthy trade-off if he could actually bring some good into the world.

And the more pragmatic part of his mind pointed out what his alternative was. He could refuse, and then what? Have Rufus Shinra as an enemy? He joked about imprisoning him, but that was just the sort of page out of his father’s playbook that he might use.

Either that, or he might wind up dead, disappeared somewhere where his body would never be found.

Just another object lesson of what happened to those who thought to cross the SEPC.

“Fine, you have yourself a bet.” Reeve finally conceded and the brief flash of triumph that flickered across Rufus’s face was genuinely worrisome.

[cwarscars-a]

❛ your hands are scarred from murder, and yet I trust them completely  ❜ (this is so fitting for their ship tag I couldn't resist)

various things spoken in an adventuring party pt.3

it's a confession he hadn't expected to hear - never really did they talk of his job or his deeds. the violence committed at the hands of one so dedicated to his cause. he had met and fallen in love with the very thing he had once resented. a kind of person, he once couldn't understand. and yet; melissa had taken the time with him. she had been patient, beautiful - a goddess in every sense of the word.

he'd always thought a woman able to change a man, had never quite seen it himself before now.

and yet despite their bond, despite their love - they'd not spoken of the platefall or the war. barely debated about terrorists or wutai or what shinra stood for. the fact of the matter is that around her, he'd craved only love and she, perhaps, craved the same.

and yet her words now imply something else, her words now have him turn his head and widen his eyes, his mouth dropping agape with the gasp of an unspoken word.

he hesitates for a moment, holds his gaze on her - searches her expression for the truth laden in her confession. wonders whether to drop the façade, admit to what he truly is. would she love him all the same as she says? if she saw not simply the scars on his skin but understand their stories, too?

in the space of a few seconds, he thinks on old relationships. those that lasted and those that quickly failed. time and time again, his job - a wedge within the throes of love.

though, that isn't entirely true.

someplace buried beneath the persona of a man carved by power and shaped by war exists some self-awareness. enough for him to hesitate upon getting close enough to another. enough for a sadness to sometimes take him at night, an anger to erupt during the day. thankfully, that self-awareness is enough for him to ignore for the most part.

hands rest upon her own, the touch of his skin one not without its roughness. even in touch, she would feel the dents of old scars caress her. whatever his words cannot say, his body says for him. he holds her for a moment, breathes a soft sigh as he spies his gaze reflected in the honey-coated shimmer of her own.

"i've done many things in my time-" some regretful, many not "things...no other man would perhaps have the strength to do." murder, all committed in the name of shinra. a devotion somewhat similar to love. "but know this-" it's a confession that falls from the lips not without a stammer, a truth that almost (ironically) sounds as though it's a lie "everything i do from now...will be for you."

a moment passes, his tongue held between the press of teeth. a fear teased that should he talk too much, he'll ruin all he has.

"for us" eyes drift along the curve of her body and down toward the smallest bump of her tummy; their child. "after this business with sephiroth is over...then, i will retire-"

and for once, he doesn't sound pained in saying it. if anything, he sounds almost impatient. eager to leave the company that has so far been his life. all too willing to resurrect, a new man with his new family - his girls, her...and their son. no longer the warmonger but instead a man.

"then...there will be no more scars."

[firealder2005]

Whumpcember 2022 Day. 13 FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

Featuring: Luke Skywalker Having A Bad Time. Post-Empire Strikes Back. There are self-worth issues, self-hate, lots of internal conflict and the like so PLEASE BE CAREFUL

see the AO3 link for a more cohesive tagging.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/43558857

Enjoy!

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Luke’s fears kept him awake at night.

That, and the nightmares.

The nightmares that Leia had seen, had shared in.

She hadn’t seen..that moment, not yet at least, and perhaps it was only a matter of time before she did.

He had considered just…telling her. But…

But what if she hated him? Luke’s stomach clenched at his selfish thought.

But it was true. Leia hated anything and everything to do with Darth Vader.

And what if that extended over to him, if he told her?

She’ll find out anyway, a taunting voice inside his head said. She’s been seeing your dreams…so she’ll see it soon too.

Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe that’s the real reason why he stayed awake when night fell, thinking that if he didn’t sleep, didn’t let the nightmares come, Leia wouldn't find out.

Because he was scared. Luke was scared she would reject him, would abandon him if she knew what Vader had told him on Cloud City.

He was the son of her most hated enemy. The man who had massacred so many people…

He was more terrified of Leia’s reaction, then he was of Vader himself.

Luke nearly let out a merciless laugh at that. Ironic that he feared his best friend more than the monster of a father he had.

Why had he gone to Bespin? Why hadn’t he listened to Master Yoda and Ben?

He had failed to save Han. He had to be saved himself. And he had lost his hand to his own father.

Maybe he hadn’t tried hard enough when he let go of the gantry in the hope that the shock, the sheer horror he felt in that moment, would go, would disappear if he didn’t exist anymore.

Maybe the galaxy would be better off if he hadn’t survived the fall…

Maybe Leia wouldn’t have to hate the son of a monster then.

(If she knew.)

Maybe Han wouldn’t have such a failure for a friend.

(Was he even aware that Luke had been there?)

And maybe…maybe Vader wouldn’t have such a pathetic excuse for a son.

(He sounded genuine in his offer…even after the beating he had delivered upon his own son.)

Luke rolled onto his back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling.

Would Leia hate him?

And did Vader really want him?

Luke let out a quiet snort, mindful of the sleeping Wedge nearby.

Irony strikes again.

He desperately wanted his best friend to accept him, even as the son of a monster, but he knew better. She’ll hate him, she’ll be right to hate him. What good could the offspring of such a villain do for the Rebellion?

And he so desperately wanted a father - all he ever wanted was to know his father.

But his is now a specter of evil, the walking nightmare of the Alliance.

And yet, there was still that traitorous part of him that longed to go to Vader, to finally know his father, to be accepted by him.

Then Leia could have a legitimate reason to hate him.

(Would she though? Would she really toss aside everything she knew about him and hate him on sight? The doubtful part of him reasoned, but Luke couldn’t bring himself to believe it.)

But no. He couldn’t do that.

As much as he longed for, desired to be with his father, he had to fight that urge.

Leia, and the Rebellion, was more important than his own selfish, childish wants. He was twenty-two, not a wide-eyed, naive seven year old innocently asking when his father would come home.

He was a Jedi-in-training. He was a Rebel. Best friends with the Princess of Alderaan and a quick-thinking smuggler. The Rebellion’s Death Star Pilot who had one-shotted the monstrous battle station.

He had trained with the Grandmaster of the old Jedi Order.

He had survived a duel with Darth Vader - and had been mentally, emotionally, and physically scared by him.

But he was still here. And Vader was still his father.

Vader was a monster, yes. There was no denying that. He never has, and never will excuse all he had done.

(And yet…and yet…there had been a speck of light within that monster…)

[frostyreturns]

Frosty Ruins Captain Britain And The Mighty Defenders

Before I even dive into this comic Just from looking at the cover I have complaints about it. #1 I can already tell this is going to be a socjus all female reimagining of a previous collection of franchises and #2 I have no idea who most of the characters on the cover are. I recognize She-Hulk and I'm aware loosely of the female version of Black Panther but the vaguely Spider-Man looking one I've never seen before, the costume looks horrible. The costume looks like a metaphor for the character...it looks like someone skinned Spider-Man and then wore his skinsuit like a cape and a hood. Which sounds a lot cooler than it looks. Then there is an ethnically ambiguous browinish woman who could be arab, spanish, black or Indian in the middle that looks like she's from Assassin's Creed if the assassin's wore hoodies and sweatpants. She's carrying a glowing weapon I can't tell if it's supposed to be a lightsaber like weapon or a metal sword. I don't know who she is supposed to be but I can tell from looking at this that there is no Captain Britain on the cover of this Captain Britain comic. None of the characters even look like a female version of the character. And then we have Iron Man without the man part. This is going to be fucking terrible isn't it.

The comic begins with the premise that the multiverse was destroyed and all the heroes you've been reading about for generations all failed so here's some new ones. It's not enough to rewrite and remake everything, they have to also blow up the universe and kill everything else and reduce all past work and all past heroes to dead failures.

The first story begins by trying to tear down the Tony Stark character, it begins with him giving away his suit to a guy I've never heard of and who doesn't get much of an introduction at all. Tony then goes on to say he didn't really create the iron man suit and that he deserves to die without it and how the world doesn't need him...for some reason that's not talked about.

Then we skip ahead 10 years Tony is dead and this completely unknown character he gave his suit to is giving some flowery speech about how he used the suit to solve all of the worlds problems. They seem to be criticizing Tony for developing weapons like the Iron Man suit to protect people...but don't explain how this new character uses his suit...which is still a weapon to do anything different they just vaguely say he used it to defend the world from hate, want and fear...unlike Tony who...didn't? And by doing...something...that's definitely not the same thing Tony did he's essentially eliminated poverty, crime, inequality and cured every disease for free! And is now ready to go to other planets too. Oh and they made a self sustaining metropolis to end climate change...because even when the writers are magically solving all the worlds problems...we still need to upheave society to save the world from weather. Oh but guess what that was a dream and Dr Doom actually rules the universe like a god king and a tyrant. Which makes this dream sequence even fucking dumber, the writers in a dream within a fantasy science fiction comic book...still has global warming being a thing. That should tell you everything you need to know about the mindset of these doomsayers.

So then we get introduced to She-Hulk who is one of Dr Dooms "Thors". Which from context they seem to have made Thor into a kind of green lantern corps kind of thing, which is weird and stupid. They talk about how each sector has their own Thor. She Hulk is carrying around a "gavel of thor" and does enforcing of Dr Doom's laws which include punishing people for heresy against Doom. Oh and she calls it a gavel because her muscles are the real hammer, yeah strap in for cringe. So they essentially stuffed three different characters into She Hulk, she's the Hulk, she's also Thor and also she's a green lantern. And she's doing the bidding of Doom... So she's a villain? I have no idea what the fuck is going on it's only been a few pages and this plot is already convoluted and nonsensical. Even for a comic this is fucking retarded.

Then we meet the spiderman character who seems to be wearing the Prowler costume underneath a spider cape and hood, they call him Spider Hero which sounds super fucking stupid...but then he corrects She Hulk and says Spider-Man but then the character introduction box at the bottom calls him Spider Hero as well. So great inttroduction everyone you had one job to do, tell us who this stupid new character is and you failed. I read your introduction and still don't know what this gay new hero is called.

Then this stupid new spider-man/hero says this dumbass line "If I had Spider sense it would be tingling" lmao what the fuck kind of line is that, if you dont have spider sense why would you know what it is? and why would he phrase it the way the original spider-man that doesn't exist anymore did. They even go on to say he has no idea what spider sense is. This line is a logical and metaphysical impossibility. You cannot discuss a concept you have no conception of and they did it for a cheap nod at the character whose corpse they are desecrating.

I feel like I'm walking everyone step by step through this story but I can't read more than a sentence or two in this piece of shit comic without it being astoundingly dumb. The very next line is she Hulk complaining about trigger hapy fascists...but moments ago they claimed there was no crime? And she had just threatened a man for speaking heresy against her master Doom... and she’s calling other people fascists?

Now we meet the new Iron Man who's not a man...and they call her...get this "Kid Rescue". lmfao holy shit... comics in general have some ridiculous names...but even for comics these names are so bad. These are the dumbest names out of a collection of dumb names. This character isn’t even a succesor to Iron Man either she’s a succesor to a succesor who we only met a few pages ago. These writers can't be serious, this is a joke right nobody actually earnestly thought this was good, they can't have.

Okay here's the best part...the woman who looked like she was from Assassin's Creed is a female muslim doctor...and she's the new Captain Britain. Oh my fuck, no way. They made Captain Britain...the big buff english dude who wore a union jack costume to represent the patriotic british version of Captain America...is now a muslim woman in a hijab. Oh and also Britain doesn't even exist in this world either...lmfao. There is no way to possibly have screwed up the character anymore. It's as unfaithful and bad as it can be which makes me think there's no way it wasn't intentional. There is no part of me that believes for a second that this comic was made in earnest. It was made to be politically inflammatory, it was made to piss off the fans they expect to buy it. They probably had the press release where they called fans racist, sexist xenophobes typed up before this comic was even written. So yeah Britain... the English nation here is your fantasy story...Britain was wiped out and doesn't exist...and now your new hero is a muslim woman...and not even a muslim woman who takes up the Captain Britain mantle...she'll just wear her plain white hijab.

This is one of the worst comics I've ever read, and with lines like "hello everybody look at all my guns" it only gets worse and worse the longer you read it and the more you think about it. At one point Captian islam starts speaking like yoda for no reason at all. "I've got healing powers, I can take him apart, get the bullet out save him I can."

The anti-gun stuff is so weird from some of these people. I hate guns but I'll fight with a sword...both will kill someone what's the fucking difference. It's easy to be anti-gun when you have magical powers. Yeah sure when everyone can shoot lasers out of their hands or blow up building by punching them...then when can get rid of guns how about that?

The premise then becomes this team of heroes who has lived under Doom for what we assume is their whole lives is now teaming up to fight him out of nowhere...because a strange foreigner showed up and said Doom isn’t really a god. And then instead of fighting doom, they fight another city state that’s rebelling against Doom for some reason. None of this makes any sense, toddlers could have come up with a more coherent storyline, and they’d probably tell it better too.

And the comic ends with them introducing this character that seems to be a blend of ripoffs between robo cop, judge dredd and the punisher. Especially Judge Dredd, they have him in a Dredd like helmet, working in a mega city one type city working with a psychic partner...if Disney didn't own everything then someone would be able to sue for plagiarism. This was without a doubt one of the worst comics I've ever read. It reads not only like it was written by a retard...not only like it was written by a child but by a retarded child who is a political idealogue. It's propaganda written by retarded children for absolutely nobody because there is no audience for this. It's like it was written for regressively left women who hate comic books...a hell of an audience to try to sell comic books to. To typical comic book fans it's an affront to everything they enjoy...it's the desecration and defacement of the things they love. To political opponents it's an idiotic, hamfisted screed with no coherent point. To people who agree with the writers politically...it's a poorly written comic with a terrible premise and an even worse plot...which is probably why this only has two issues. This was cancerously bad on all levels, it has absolutely no redeeming qualities...the art style...it could be worse I guess. That's the closest I have to a positive comment about this comic.

This reads like a comic that's not real but is something that someone like Steven Crowder wrote as a joke to mock how bad comics have gotten. It reads like a satire of modern comics but it just isn't it's just that horrible. If I were grading this like an elemntary school teacher this is what I would write at the bottom of this comic in red pen...

F- see me after class you clearly didn't read the assignment instructions

[gwiazdowe]

Primary drive

For a major major part of his life this drive is to survive, to make the memory of his community – The Jedi Order – survive. His drive is to not let his culture die, his drive is to honor the memory of his masters, to honor what Jedi are supposed to be. To learn to be a Jedi and make change because so many died and can’t anymore so he has to do so in their stead. Ultimately by nature, his drive is moved by the Force, and oftentimes, ironically, what feels right to do by the will of the Force is against a need for personal survival.

Fear: Major and Secondary

Cirz is still in that stage of life where he fears death, not exactly the act of dying or the pain of it, but the fact that if he dies then it means he will fail every Jedi that died in the operation knightfall instead of him (you see, deep down he thinks the galaxy needs someone else alive instead of him, and there is always this phantom… weight, that he is not doing enough as someone who is supposed to be a Jedi, and if he is killed during the reign of the empire if he is dead even though his master sacrificed herself for him, then all of this failure becomes true) If he dies, it also means he will never see the Order thrive again, and this just seems very lonely and very scary.

He fears extensive blaster fire, it brings him to that same place of stress he experienced during the purge and makes him wish to run far away – he becomes better at dealing with this as he matures, but especially tween and teen Cirz, he becomes very distressed by having to fight stormtroopers (he is not being honest about it)

He is increasingly worried about people who help him suffering consequences of it. Just as he is rather ignorant about it at the start, the longer he stays in hiding the more aware he is how much risk he brings on everyone around him.

Smaller fears include piloting and parking spaceships, getting chased by animals (like massifs), feeling alone, as well as the experience of losing the touch with the Force (it only happened once for him when he got badly injured, but it really freaked him out)

Style of self expression

Cirz tends to be thoughtlessly expressive about his joys and more timid (more embarrassed) about his worries, but most of the time he speaks honestly of what he feels and thinks. He thinks that honesty and following up on his words is important (the Jedi don’t make empty promises) While honest, he can be a little cryptic in his speech for individuals that lack the same force connection that he has, and sometimes, especially at youth, seems to not realize this.

A lot can be read from his eyes when you become closer to him, however he grew up learning to project an image of confidence and ease to strangers, given that he wanted to be taken seriously as a small padawan on missions. The fact that he grew up in the Temple and around other Jedi means he still has specific mannerisms and speech patterns that clash with his surroundings, not to mention world-view as a whole.

How they express affection

Both words (because he has no trouble speaking honestly about his joys) and gestures, are something he likes to do. He likes to be physically close to his friends, you will see him hug and hold hands openly, and comfort by offering touch, back rubs, shoulder squeezes etc. Kindness in this way comes easy to him, some might say too easy, and that it is naive to be so open. This should not be confused with any desire to begin an intimate relationship, because he has no desire to do so, it just is what it is.

What controls them (what they are weak for)

What is something that influences them regardless of their own moral code. — The state of galaxy wherein he often has to pick between doing what his master would and staying put to see another day. He will pick the chance of surviving, many times, even though he feels guilty about it.

What would they reject sacrificing. — He will never let go of the Force, unlike many former members of the Order that chose to forget, ignore, thwart their sensitivity to lead a semi-regular life, that is not Cirz, he cannot do so. He wants to be trained to be Jedi, even in the time when terrible things are done to them.

What would they kill for, if pushed. —  Honestly? The scraps of the Order.

WHAT PART OF THEM WILL CHANGE:

Note that Cirz starts as a padawan that generally doesn't have many troubles beyond wanting to be useful and trying to grow up too fast because he wants to partake in clone wars, then it makes him develop all those fears and self needs during purge and as Cirz will mature as the Jedi he pictures himself being he will shed his fears and destructive impulses one by one over the course of his life.

Say his fear of death, in the very end he will be the one sacrificing himself as an ultimate expression of love for his padawan, mirroring what his master did for him (probably traumatising his padawan in similar way his master fucked him up)

Such priorities as fighting against the empire, may take a backseat for Cirz in favour of protecting future generation of force users, ensuring he has a successor (his padawan) who will also carry values of the Jedi into the future even if he himself happens to fail.

(character creation questions)

[keefwho]

August 24 - 2023 Thursday

7:17 AM

I intend to start checking on my thoughts like I meant to before when I told myself I was gonna go hard with the monitoring. I went too hard though and scheduled too much, so I've cut it down to a more reasonable amount at reasonable time. In the morning, during lunch, and after work. Then at the end of the day I have the daily journal which is it's own kind of self reflection.

This morning I'm thinking that it's only inevitable before I slip up and find myself in a weird place again. I'm having the thought that what I go through is a repeating cycle that might never fundamentally change. I'm feeling the resistance to change I have towards everything, even if it's positive. Because even though I'm putting myself in places that feel good for me, I have mental pushback. It's mostly from that place that wants me to fail because I find weird comfort in failing on my own terms.

2:19 PM

I'm having the thought that I won't be able to stop myself from slipping away. I'm imagining myself failing a lot. I'm seeing myself regress and losing my sense of self again. I'm doubting my own capabilities. I'm also thinking that I can only have negative thoughts, that positive ones should be repressed. I'm feeling afraid that I'm doing something wrong in important facets of my life. Like eventually something I didn't notice will make everything violently crash down. For positive thoughts I'm thinking that I'm making noticeable progress in being more aware of my actions and thoughts. I'm thinking that if I stay the course and keep evaluating myself, I can keep getting better.

10:55 PM

Here I am again, a person named Keith writing his daily journal entry on Tumblr. He is 27 years old, stuck in the middle of nowhere trying to figure out who he is while clinging on to the only digital friends he has.

This morning I had leftover beef stew for breakfast. I had some onion in the fridge and I decided to not be lazy and dice the onion to put in the beef stew while I re-cooked it on the stove. I watch a bit of a youtube video about EPCOT for my bestie since I've always wanted to know more about what EPCOT actually is. It fascinated me.

The stream went well, I'm still doing one color study a day and it's helping me learn. I did commissions like usual and a little personal project time.

Right after work I gave myself a haircut since my hair was getting long enough to have to bend it out of my eyes. I think I did a good job but it has to settle in for a few days.

Lunch was a few fish sticks and a pack of ramen. I really enjoyed making the ramen, it was top ramen which I was in the mood for as opposed to maruchan. For some reason the coke I always have at lunch hit real hard today.

For the second part of my work I hung out in discord but it was quite loud and I got annoyed. My eyes were also becoming strained. I stuck around for the duration of my productive time and left afterwards.

The afternoon was pretty bland, I played some Hearts of Iron and did some lolligagging. Nothing eventful. I ended up taking care of myself for the first time in a few days and even finished it off with my bestie which was nice. Afterwards we played Zelda and thats all I did until it was time to get ready for bed.

[castielcommunism]

for me an essential element of dean’s character is that there’s some unspoken part of him that always goes unresolved. like dean is someone who is heavily repressed and limited by the facts of his upbringing and his life, but for me I think that unresolved-ness goes deeper than that. that even if you were to remove him from hunting and permanently place him in a stable and loving environment, there would still be some part of dean that is in perpetual disquiet. collapsing all the tensions that hold dean together would mean collapsing the character itself. and I think where this particular disquiet resides is in the realm of his relationship to masculinity.

and I don’t mean this in a depressing way! I’ve been trying to articulate why certain fanon trends don’t really do much for me personally without sounding like a spoil sport. but I find the popular interpretation of dean as transmasc un-compelling FOR ME PERSONALLY because for me transness has always been about self actualisation. It was like the missing puzzle piece in my life finally slotted into place and I no longer interacted with the world through a haze of existential confusion. my “problem” was, in a word, resolved when I discovered I was trans.

but back to dean. this tension of dean clearly having something vaguely wrong with him and covering it up by trying to be The Perfect Son is such a fundamental component of who he is that, even in an ideal scenario (be it post-canon or alt canon or what have you) where dean is living the normal life he wants to live, there’s just something about him that still feels slightly out of reach. dean is a guy who is never fully at peace with himself and he has, ironically, made peace with that unease. he failed at being a son, he tends to fail pretty frequently at being a man, he failed his brother, he fails fails fails. and the “self-actualisation” component for dean that I’m partial to is one where he embraces this failure for what it is. guess I’m just a bad son! guess I just suck at being a dude! oh well! guess there’s just something wrong with me. and he doesn’t move past that. he just makes peace with that and doesn’t pick at it further.

so like the incredibly specific flavour of trans dean that I like is one where it’s always beneath the surface. it’s not a conscious thing in that he can think about it in concrete terms, it’s just this vague notion of self-otherness that doesn’t go away. he is clearly not good at being a man, and it’s certainly not for lack of trying. but manhood is what he’s used to and what he knows best, so he just keeps going through the motions of being a man because in the grand scheme of things it’s not that big a deal. small, private transgressions of gender are savoured and sporadic, taken at face value as “indulgences” and then never examined beyond that. I like the idea of dean as vaguely nonbinary but he himself isn’t aware of it. it’s always unresolved.

I feel like I’m still not explaining myself well lol. I just personally can’t conceive of dean as someone who goes through big revelations about his identity because a core part of his identity is the fact that he will always be a try-hard and he’ll never quite know why - he did everything his father ever asked of him and it still wasn’t good enough, so it must be something deeper than feeling or reason (the truth of course being that john withheld approval as a form of control, but also dean couldn’t ever be what his dad wanted anyway because he’s not that kind of man). and that informs not only his relationship with other men but also his relationship with his own masculinity. this disquiet with his own manhood hangs eternally suspended, unspoken but present in his life, this almost comforting constant of yeah lol I guess I’m just weird. oh well. he’s not out and proud, nor is he ashamed, it just is what it is.

[asha-mage]

Missing the Mark: Language, Style, and a Discomfort with Ambiguity

I have a lot of respect for Sanderson as an author, even if his books are decidedly Not For Me, I can appreciate that clearly he has enough skill at his craft to have attained a degree of success as an author that few even dream of. And beyond that, reading his forward of The Gathering Storm has never failed to make me burst into tears, as his clear grief and pain at the passing of Robert Jordan comes through in a way that speaks to my own. I've very rarely felt like a kindred spirit to an author the way I do reading that forward, sharing in the loss of someone who was such a huge and important part of my life because of the books he wrote and the impact they had on me.

That said.

I can respect Sanderson's decision not to try imitating Robert Jordan's signature style of writing for fear of it being a kind of disrespect, while still thinking he did not expend enough effort to adapt his own style to the world and characters of WoT. Some of this is subtle (the way he mentions the 'soil made red by iron' or 'the very carbon of their spears'), which while annoying doesn't fully break with the sense of world. But their are cases where it is far more overt and far more jarring.

For example the use of the phrase 'medical aid' in the prologue, despite the fact that the word 'medical' has never appeared anywhere else in the entirety of the story. Sanderson likely does this to distinguish the aid the characters in question (Seanchan sul'dam) will get from the power-based Healing that the readers are more familiar with (which the sul'dam would find repellent). The desire not risk equating lower-case-h healing with Capital H Healing makes sense, since Sanderson doesn't want to confuse the reader. But it betrays a lack of the trust in the reader to be able to distinguish between the two, and more over a lack of imagination to phrase it in a way that wouldn't begat confusion. Instead Sanderson turns to a very modern phrase that doesn't frankly fit the world of WoT.

This is a broader problem with Sanderson, who I've always said writes like one hell of a scientist. He has an innate desire to categorize, identify, and separate terms, resisting ambiguity and doubt in how he writes. Sanderson's tenor sees the term 'channeling' go into common practice by all characters, and distinctions between saidar and saidin users, even among characters for whom it makes no sense to understand those terms or use them. Jordan has most characters, especially ones without much worldly knowledge, lump all use of the One Power together, and think of all channelers as Aes Sedai whether or not it makes logical sense (Rand ran into this problem especially early on internally and externally). Most people are certainly not even really familiar with the terms saidin and saidar for most of the series, not understanding the difference unless they have cause to know. By contrast, even common farmers understand the difference in Sanderson's run, and can draw a clear distinction between Wilders, Aes Sedai, damane, and Asha'man, without any prior experience with those groups, and moreover comfortably use terms like channeler, saidin, and saidar, despite all the fear, doubt, misinformation and ambiguity about the One Power that exists throughout Randland.

This also leaks over into the way Sanderson depicts characters, who all possess a baseline level of self awareness that shows his lack of comfort with ambiguity and doubt. One of the maximums of Jordan's writing is that people in general know very little about themselves, and are more likely to see themselves and others in distorted or incorrect fashions based on their prejudices and basis. I'll talk more about this when I talk about Perrin and Mat specifically (and more over how Mat's charm and Perrin's central character conflict are wrapped up in the distorted views they have of themselves, and the distorted views others have about them), but what's important for this particular meta is that it shows again Sanderson's lack of comfort with ambiguity. Characters always see themselves and their problems with clarity, and the struggle is not a search for understanding of themselves and others, but rather a means to overcome the obstacles of their problems. They also are far less likely to have distorted views of each other, and when characters do judge each other based on biases and misunderstandings, these are often cleared up with very little strife. Gawyn gets the worst of this, where he manages to basically correct his assumptions and biases about Rand entirely on his own through self reflection, without ever ACTUALLY having to confront or speak to Rand to realize he's wrong. Instead he simply magically realizes his own classism and prejudice are the problem, resolves to get over them, does, and never has to deal with it again.

Sanderson writes as I said, like one hell of a scientist: conflicts and characters are clear cut and well defined, as are the terminologies and language that they use to describe their world and each other. Conflict under him becomes more like a mathematical equation, a matter of getting the right pieces and the right characters into the right place to solve the problem at hand, without any of the messy more human parts to meddle with achieving that solution.

This stands in sharp contrast to the way Jordan writes conflict, which is heavily interlocked with how he built his world. Jordan writes conflict and characters as a tangled web, each thread and action pulling on others, shaping the story and events in ways both obvious and subtle, for good and bad. An often repeated maxim of Egwene's character arc, the law of unintended consequences (where regardless of whether what you do has the effect you want it to or not, it will have at least three you never expected and at least one will usually be unpleasant) is largely forgotten under Sanderson, replaced by a much simpler and more direct law: where each action has cause and effect, each problem has a solution, and the conflict lays in overcoming the obstacles to completing those actions, and arriving at those solutions.

Is that a bad way to write? Not really. It's just different. And yet that difference is fundamental, and it clashes with the nature of the story of WoT in a way that, each time it's made apparent, throws me out of the story, sometimes a little bit, sometimes a whole lot.

[sixeyesgojo]

jjk characters handling your period

Summary: “What do you mean, no baby this month either? Okay, suffer then.” - your damn uterus

Pairings: Gojo/Megumi/Nanami/Naoya/Toji x Reader

Content warning: the monthly bloody nightmare your uterus puts you through and the whole shebang that comes with it, language warning, suggestive themes, explicit warning for Toji (you’ll see why)

A/N: purely self-indulgent because I suffer. @megumifushi and @sukirichi , my gals, I gotcha. Also dedicated to all readers who suffer from the same fate (may it be right now or not). Also: Yes, absolutely open the video I linked in Megumi’s part (it’s safe, I promise).

Gojo Satoru

You turn and turn in bed uncomfortably. Something isn’t right, you think and it’s not the fact that Satoru is missing next to you. Not knowing immediately irritates you. All of a sudden you become painfully aware of your lower region. Yes, of course it had to be that time of the month. You just knew you already stained your panties and perhaps the sheets haven’t been spared either. Getting out of bed, then realizing it was already past noon, you sprinted to the bathroom. Fuck, moving fast was not a good idea. 

Having changed the sheets and your stained panties, you made your way to the kitchen. Your stomach growled, signaling you were hungry, but at the same time you feared. Smelling food, let alone tasting too much of it, was a slippery slope – either your nose would protest or your stomach, no in-between. Regardless, you had to eat; or were you supposed to starve to death because of this? Not in this lifetime. “I AM BACK!” an annoyingly loud voice rang through the apartment. You groan and turn around. “Fuck off, Satoru,” you say. Your irritation flaring up for seemingly no reason. “Stop being so motherfucking loud. My head feels like it’s going to split in two and my pussy is fighting the crimson war right now,” you snarled at him.

“Oh honey, seems like I called the right shots then,” he declared proudly and held up a bag filled with... snacks? “I already called in sick for you for the next few days,” Satoru continued to explain as he wrapped his arms around you, “and I’ll be by your side 24/7 for the next two days. We’ll do fun stuff. How does movie night with lots of cuddling for tonight sound?”

“Why are you so nice to me right now?” you mumbled, tears welling up in your eyes. “Simple: I don’t want to be castrated by you,” he whispered back and planted a kiss on your cheek. “Fair enough. What will we do tomorrow?” He stayed silent but pulled out a black card out of his sleeve. You gasped.

Fushiguro Megumi

Ping. A notification. Quickly, you scrambled to get your phone to see what that was about. You desperately needed some distraction right now. The pain was too much. Your boyfriend Megumi had gone somewhere you didn’t know. All you knew was that your boobs were sore, the sensitive nipples rubbing against the fabric were already too much. In addition to that, you also experienced period cramps, resulting in back pain as well. Life was not easy at the moment but at least you could lay in bed for today, doing absolutely nothing.

Unlocking your phone, you saw a new message from Yuji: “omg look at this???” [Video link] It was a video of 42 seconds. There was a cute seal – probably the cutest and fluffiest seal you have ever seen – and background music. It may have only lasted 42 seconds but it definitely triggered some happy feelings inside you; it was so pure and you loved the energy of the clip. Perhaps these feelings were a bit too intense and overwhelming. Tears streamed down your face and you started sobbing uncontrollably. Why were you like this? It wasn’t even a sad video, was it?

You buried your face in the blankets, weeping as if someone just broke up with you. Through your loud crying, you did not notice the door opening. A jangling noise could be heard from your nightstand. Instantly, you shot up to check for intruders but luckily, it was Megumi. A frown spread on his face. “What happened?” he asked as his thumbs wiped your tears from your cheeks. You showed him the video, still sobbing, “Look at the seal... It’s so c-cute. I just... got emotional because it really t-traveled the world. This cutie deserves the whole world...”

“And so do you,” he bluntly stated, “now take the ibuprofen I brought you for the cramps and rest up.” As a matter of fact, he not only brought you painkillers but a hot water bottle and food as well.

Nanami Kento

“No, give me that. Lay down and rest. I can dust off the shelves on my own,” his deep voice commanded. If there was a man that screamed “male wife” it was definitely Nanami Kento, particularly when it came to you being on your period. You weren’t allowed to do anything in the house, except for very light chores. With good reason. “Kento, I can do–” Yeah, no, it wasn’t possible and Kento knew it too well.

You weren’t lucky when it came to period symptoms. Besides excruciating back pain, extremely sore breasts and headaches, you also had the luck to suffer from dizziness every single time you experienced the monthly nuisance. The first time you even passed out. In fact, it had happened several times. And that was precisely how Kento decided to not let you do anything. Still, you felt bad to leave everything to Kento. His work already demanded so much from him and here you were, being babied and even spoon-fed. You didn’t even have to cook your own meals or wash and iron laundry.

You had barely said those words when the unwelcome whirling sensation took you over again. Your feet wobbled, you were in danger of crashing to the ground. In a flash, Kento was by your side to steady you. “I told you not to overdo it.” He cupped your cheek with his warm hand. “Sorry, Kento. I’ll... just rest for a minute.”

Zenin Naoya

Period pain? Laughable. Naoya thought it was pathetic. A woman – these already weak creatures – having period symptoms was a mystery to him. What could possibly hurt about bleeding a little? He couldn’t understand. Your pitiable and sorry state was only another inconvenience to him. Not that you hindered him in any way – you were obedient enough to be quiet and complain as little as possible – but he absolutely despised seeing that annoying expression of pain on your face every time he had to look at it.

Hell, he didn’t even want to engage in sexual activities with you during that time, even though he had randomly picked up somewhere that it might help. Not that he wanted to help you, it was your problem and yours only, not his. “Stop looking at me with those eyes. It’s disgusting,” he remarked condescendingly as he got dressed for wherever he had to go. “When will you be back?” you croaked out but he totally ignored you.

“Women are so damn weak. It’s so fucking pathetic, I almost want to give you a hug,” Naoya gagged. He was about to leave the room but stopped in his tracks. Looking over his shoulder, he caught a glimpse of your face that was contorted with pain. In long strides, he made it to one of the cabinets, fished out a tiny box and threw it on the bed. “Tsk, you better get well soon so you can serve me again, dumb bitch.”

Fushiguro Toji (soft)

Work hadn’t been treating him kindly: not yesterday, not today, not ever. Although he was highly capable and never failed to exceed himself, all Toji truly wanted to do was to go home. When he finally made it through the door, he called out, “Am home.” Usually, you would come running to greet him but when nothing but silence greeted him, his hand instantly moved to the cursed creature lingering on his shoulder. It was suspicious. Did enemies manage to find this hideout? Where were you? His hands started sweating.

Stealthily, he approached the kitchen. To his surprise, he saw your form in front of the counter, hunched over in pain. Dropping his offensive stance immediately, he quickly strode over to check on you. “Hey, what are you doing there?” he asked, hesitatingly putting a hand on your shoulder. You looked at him, grimacing with pain, “Oh, Toji. I didn’t realize you were home yet. Sorry, I’m not done cooking dinner yet, I just feel so nauseous, exhausted and my entire back  and shoulders hurt so much. It’s so sore.” “I see.” He nodded, understanding what was happening. Suddenly, he lifted you effortlessly. You squealed, “Toji!! What are you doing?!” “Taking care of you,” he promised. “But dinner!” “Don’t care.”

Making his way to the bedroom, Toji laid down with you on top of him. Something about his warmth already made you feel better but as his large palms rubbed your back in circular motions, you felt as if you were in heaven. Toji’s ministrations soothed the pain so well, you almost let out a moan. Now that the pain didn’t overshadow all the other symptoms anymore, the drowsiness took over. “Toji, ‘m tired,” you mumbled; eyelids fluttering already. “Then sleep. I’ll take care of dinner later,” he whispered. You only hummed in response, already far too gone. Slowly but surely, his steady heartbeat lulled you to sleep. “Sleep tight.”

Taglist: @megumifushi​ @gojos-mochi​ @assbuttbaek​ @bleueluna​ 

[lokiskitten]

I NEED a part two of “first time”

Loki Laufeyson | first time pt2

Loki Laufeyson x fem!reader

plot : ( refer to pt1 ) after experiencing a first intercourse together, Loki insists on crossing the path towards the end. With only the fear of being seen by the other variants holding you back, you end up agreeing to follow the excited man’s proposition.

warnings : smut, extremely short moment of none-con followed by a consent check up, mention of virginity loss ( male ), unprotected sex ( pls for the love of god wrap it ) and lowkey sub!Loki.

“Now that was... ah. Nice.” You affirmed tiredly, knees colliding with one another though your feet remained slightly parted. Your organism was still trying to wash away the orgasm you had just reached with Loki’s divine help. Meanwhile, the god of mischief carried on staring at your body, resembling a scientist who led an experience on the human anatomy. He wanted to ask a thousand questions, but didn’t feel brave enough to dare to open his mouth just yet. In fact, he felt as if he was disturbing an intimate and personal moment of yours. It nearly managed to make the god feel flustered and awkward.

Looking closer, Loki was able to spot your own love juice dripping out of your entrance, coating your swollen lips and settling a deep emotion of lustful hunger within his soul. He wanted more, he needed more- and only you could potentially satisfy his crippling and frustrating sexual appetite at the moment. His hands rested on your knees, forcefully parting your thighs before he allowed himself to slip in between. Upon feeling a weight suddenly add up against your own mass, your eyelids moved open which allowed you to make eye contact with Loki. You felt surprised to see him there, and even more surprised to witness him behaving in such a way.

“What are you doing?” You asked, attempting to move your chest up with the help of your elbows- which led Loki to back away to sit down on his knees between your legs. “Well, I’m doing the thing. Isn’t that what people do next?” He explained, earning a frown from your shocked self. Though, you were still willing to be patient with him. “No, you always ask. Always. Do you understand?” You affirmed seriously, earning a shy nod from the demigod who didn’t really enjoy to be treated like a child. Though his aim wasn’t to ruin this moment by starting unnecessary drama- especially as he appeared to be in the wrong. But once this small moment of embarrassment had passed by, Loki felt like explaining the reason to why he appeared so frustrated.

“Look, I have a very painful..” he began, only to end up being cut off by your staring self who admired the long shape traced from within his pants. It was too big to miss. “Boner.” You finished before looking up at him, earning an embarrassed gasp coming from the demigod. “And I really want you.” He finished on a nearly sorrowful tone adding up to a puppy face- a note that managed to reach your heart. You shot a glare at the small wooden cabin in which Mobius and the other variants were having dinner, anxiety taking over your organism at the thought of potentially being seen or caught by them. “I don’t know..” You explained, earning a frown from Loki sitting before you who didn’t appear to understand why you were refusing the offer after you had both experienced such fun.

“Aw come on. What could possibly go wrong?” He cheered, giving your shoulder a gentle fist kick in order to lift the mood. Unfortunately, you couldn’t help but remain stoic. “Well, loads of things in fact.” You responded, leading Loki’s smile to drop instantly. “What if we get caught? That would be an embarrassment I’d never be able to get over. Not to mention the whole pregnancy issues if your princess self isn’t capable of pulling out at the right time.” You carried on, offering Loki multiple exemples to why this upcoming sexual intercourse could possibly go wrong. Ironically enough, he appeared more concerned and offended over the fact that you had just called him princess rather than getting worked up about the horrible consequences program you had just settled.

After spending a couple of seconds making useless eye contact with the raven haired man, you ended up breaking this one in order to shoot another glance towards the wooden cabin. The surroundings appeared calm, which managed to ease your anxiety. Besides, after leading you to cum in such an incredible way, you believed that maybe Loki deserved a release too- adding up to the fact that you’d feel proud to be the woman who would take care of breaking through his virginity. Turning your head back towards his, a nod was the only gesture that escaped your body. It instantly managed to lift the demigod’s mood. “Really?..” Loki asked, and that in order to make sure you weren’t tricking him, the most famous trickster.

“Yeah, lets give it a try.” You responded on a friendly tone, a discreet smile adorning your features as you watched Loki summon a blanket for the two of you. He had probably noticed the way you appeared to avoid dust with the help of your pants, and wanted to offer you better then this piece or clothing to protect your sensitive skin. However, he appeared to organize this upcoming event in quite a religious way. He made sure to keep the blanket flat against the floor, brushing away the wrinkles until you finally stopped him by taking ahold of his wrist. “This is the part where you take your clothes off.” You affirmed, underlining the fact that he probably should stop worrying about the wrong matters especially as you were running out of time.

“Oh, right right.” He answered politely, taking a seat on the green pled before he began to precariously unbutton his TVA shirt. You watched as his tone muscles were revealed, his abs shifting as he got rid of his upper piece of clothing for good. This checkpoint led you to look up at his greenish eyes again, the two of you exchanging a smile before he began to go for his belt. The shape of his hard member was still visible through his trousers, a length that would soon be set free once Loki would finally get rid of his pants. No shame or embarrassment seemed to fill his organism upon his lower clothes being pulled down to his knees- his crotch being revealed to your respectful sight. In contrary, Loki appeared more than proud of himself for finally getting to go through such a thing, which held him back from accumulating negative emotions.

Your two naked selves then laid down on the blanket, wrapping your arms around one another’s body and engaging in a rather friendly but passionate hug. You enjoyed this warm and safe physical contact, and you expected Loki to enjoy it too. The sensation of his moist tip rubbing against your stomach only made it better- as you still felt amazed regarding the size of his member. It combined both generous length and girth, and was also gifted with the perfect shape any woman, or man, could ever ask for. “You smell nice..” he affirmed, his nose being stuck to the crook of your neck as you happily passed your hands through his black hair. He ended up looking up at you, pressing a shy and respectful kiss to your lips. You smiled.

It didn’t take long for the two of you to roll around, switching to Loki now resting on top of you. He smiled down out you out of pure excitement, his tip already trying to find a way into your entrance- as clumsy as his hips could be. After taking notice that he appeared to have a hard time lining himself up with your hole, you slipped a hand down between your legs and gave his balls a gentle caress, earning a couple of sensitive moans coming from your excited partner. However, your hand then proceeded to slither it’s way up his shaft, delicate digits wrapping around this one’s girth in order to move it to where it should and wanted to be. When you felt like Loki was now ready to carry on on his own, your hand made its way back up to his shoulder before passing underneath his arm and wrapping around his smooth and muscular back.

The raven haired man looked down at you with slight panic in his eyes upon being aware that a single hip thrust of his could begin the intercourse, his shoulders now having to carry a great responsibility he simply wasn’t ready to fail. Unfortunately, Loki once again appeared to struggle with pushing himself in. Even when looking down at your crotch, he still didn’t manage to properly slide inside of you. However, upon taking notice of his distress again, you agreed to slip your hand back down to his groin, taking a gentle hold of his shaft which you locked between your thumb and index finger before offering him a little bit of help regarding penetration. Thankfully, his cock was now able to slide inside of you on it’s own even if it remained a slow process.

Moving your hand away, you allowed Loki to fully take over the penetration process as you watched his facial expressions clench and contract. Eventually his eyelids shut close, hips colliding with yours as his tip dangerously brushed against your sensitive cervix. You could tell that this was brand new for him, and that he visibly had a hard time handling it. “You’re doing amazing.” You affirmed empathetically, your hand gently caressing his flexed biceps. Meanwhile, Loki couldn’t help but focus onto the warmth your walls provided him, his brain still attempting to process how nice it felt to finally get to be coated in a woman’s love juices. It was tight, moist, and warm- long story short : the perfect environnement for his needy member.

“Maybe try to give moving a try..” you proposed shyly, your organism beginning to feel more than overwhelmed by Loki’s filling presence inside of you. After hearing about this offer, Loki began to slowly back away from your crotch, shiny length, which was coated in your love juice, sliding out of you with relative ease. The two of your moaned, though you appeared calmer than your friend at first- who you didn’t forget was currently going through his first intercourse ever. Therefore, judgment wasn’t present. It didn’t take long for a regular thrusting process to take place, your overly sensitive walls nicely reacting to the friction caused by Loki’s cock especially after getting to orgasm beforehand. Your arms remained wrapped around his back, the two of you rocking back and forth against the green blanket.

“You’re doing so good..” you whispered in his ear, eyelids remaining closed as your hand had now taken ahold of his long raven hair. Your main goal was to enhance him through this event, and give him the happiness and recognition he clearly deserves as a bed partner. However, your natural tightness adding up to the more than large size of his girth was overstimulating Loki’s genitals, sending shockwaves of pleasure down his shaft and straight into his tensed balls which repetitively bumped against the area located beneath entrance. “Don’t forget to- to pull out.” You begged breathlessly, his thrusts becoming more primal and intense now that he had gained some extra self esteem regarding the situation.

You couldn’t help but grow worried and work yourself up over this intercourse’s potential end, wondering if the man on top of you was going to be able to control himself and pull out before his cum could penetrate into your womb. Thankfully, this annoying state didn’t last for long and you soon found yourself lost into lust again. Your arms wrapped around his neck, teeth gently biting down onto his earlobe as you allowed yourself to tug on it in a primal yet harmless manner. Loki seemingly appeared to appreciate this move, another wave of moans exiting his mouth as he unexpectedly pulled out of your cunt in order to allow his own hand to wrap around his shaft.

A couple of pumps were enough to see white liquid spring out of his urethra, the sperme landing on your stomach and staining your delicate skin. You were both left breathless, for nearly the exact same reason as one another. Resting your hand onto your chest, you panted whilst looking down at the substance on your tummy which appeared surprisingly appetizing. “Loki..” you moaned gently, fingers brushing against one of the stained parts of your stomach before you brought your digit up to your lips. Even if you hadn’t tasted many, his cum appeared different than the rest on the gustative level. “That was amazing.” You affirmed with a smile, extending your arm for him to join you on the blanket. You were craving for his touch, more than you had ever craved anything before.

[ part one available right here ]

As requested, here’s part two! I hope it was enjoyable for you guys to read. Don’t hesitate to leave feedback, it means tons. Stay safe and happy❤️

[serpenteve]

why we ship darklina

an essay literally no one asked for

Nobody needs a "reason" to ship Darklina. But considering this is a villain x hero pairing, it got me thinking about why we shipped it in the first place when the narrative and author so badly wanted us to root for the more sensible alternative pairing and why it became the most popular ship of the entire trilogy.

Personally, I find it really interesting (and low-key hilarious) that a lot of the reasons shippers gravitated towards Darklina can be directly traced back to how badly Bardugo bungled Alina's character arc, Mal's entire characterization and narrative role, Nikolai's wasted potential as an alternative love interest, and the noble intentions she gives the the Darkling.

Alina's Character Arc

Alina's character arc doesn't match who she is as a character. I've written more about that in this post, but a lot of readers were introduced to a passive and insecure protagonist who we were expecting to undergo a typical YA coming-of-age character arc where Alina acquires self-acceptance, confidence, and embraces the full breadth of her powers over the course of the trilogy. Instead, Bardugo gave Alina the kind of character arc that's usually deserved for power-hungry anti-heroines or tragic heroes with a fatal flaw to punish.

The plot offers a strange binary: either Alina suppresses and hides her powers and therefore stays away from descending into villainy OR Alina attempts to find Morozova's amplifiers in order to defeat the Darkling but then becomes corrupted by power in the process. Alina's journey to self-acceptance and exploring her own powers are unfortunately entangled with her relationship with the Darkling. The only way she is allowed to move forward through the plot is to succumb to the corrupting influence of the amplifiers.

For better or for worse, the first character to really embrace her powers instead of thinking she's a fraud or that she's weak or that she's an unholy abomination is the Darkling. He's the first person to recognize her power for what it is and accurately judge its potential and implications for the rest of the world. He advocates for her in front of the royal court, in front other Grisha who think she's weak, and even against Baghra who is initially a very ill-tempered mentor with little to no faith in Alina's abilities. He even rather ironically advocates for her even when the heroic person who's supposed to be supporting her (Mal) does not.

At the start of her journey, Alina is insecure and in constant need of assurance and validation. The Darkling's role as her mentor and guide into this unfamiliar world of Grisha makes him the perfect advocate not only for her powers but also to help Alina see her place in the world. However, once he is revealed to be the villain, Alina also fails to realize that it's time for her to advocate for herself and throws the baby out with the bathwater.

Mal's Characterization & Narrative Role

When Alina loses the Darkling as an advocate in S&B, Mal steps up to take this role. Alina is still rather passive for the majority of the first book and it's Mal who originally wants her to have Morozova's stag as an amplifier if it will mean being able to stand against the Darkling. Bardugo intended for him to be a heroic love interest as a foil to the villainous love interest and I believe she mostly succeeds for the first book.

However, because this is a story about punishing Alina's "evil ambition" (despite there being very little evidence of that) Mal is supposed to serve as a voice of reason in the narrative. Once Alina considers the necessity of acquiring more amplifiers to defeat the Darkling, it is Mal's role to warn her of the potential consequences, to remind her of her inner humanity, and to ward against the corrupting influence of Morozova's amplifiers. Mal's declarations that he wants back the old girl he knew without any power is meant to drive an ideological wedge between them, yes, but he's also meant to be Correct™ because, again, Bardugo is writing a story about a corrupted power-hungry heroine who goes too far and needs to be punished rather than the arc we were all expecting and the one that Alina's character needs: a coming-of-age story of self-acceptance and personal growth.

Some point after the backlash of Siege & Storm, Bardugo seems to have become aware of her mistake and attempts to scrub Mal's character to be more sympathetic. There is a bizarre exchange half-way through the third book when Mal finally declares:

"I wasn't afraid of you, Alina. I was afraid of losing you. The girl you were becoming didn't need me anymore, but she's who you were always meant to be."

This is an interesting line because it's a complete reversal of Mal's narrative role so far. He's supposed to be her voice of reason that opposes her at every turn but readers interpreted him as being resentful of Alina's powers and angry that she was no longer dependent on him. Bardugo is forced to retcon Mal's entire role in the narrative from being a voice of reason that opposes Alina's quest for power to a supportive friend who will fight by her side. But this was never her initial intention and I believe this change was brought on 100% by audience reaction because she failed to understand the arc her heroine needed and the kind of story her audience was anticipating for such a character.

Needless to say, having your heroine's main love interest actively resent her quest for power until half-way through the third damn book did not endear many readers to Mal. Because Bardugo failed to understand the kind of character development her heroine needed and failed to understand audience expectations, we hated Mal. He became the embodiment of every toxic chauvinist we'd ever met who can't stand the idea of his partner's success and feels entitled to be the center of her universe. He was not the voice of reason. He was an annoying gnat hellbent on dragging the heroine down and away from her destiny. We did not want to root for him. Even the villain was more sympathetic than him because he could bring her closer to achieving the self-acceptance the narrative was obsessed with denying her.

Nikolai's Wasted Potential as a Solid Love Interest

Nikolai plays several roles in Alina's journey but most importantly in our discussions for why we ended up shipping Darklina, his entire potential as a serious love interest is wasted.

When we meet Nikolai, we have hitched our wagons to the Darklina train because despite being the villain, the Darkling is the only one who will allow the heroine to accept her powers and come into her own. Her heroic love interest, Mal, is actively sabotaging her efforts and holding her back from her true potential. But then, in swoops Nikolai and we pause, wondering if there may be a better heroic alternative after all?

In a lot of ways, Nikolai and the Darkling alike: they are eager for Alina's power and see her as a solution to all their problems. They may want to use Alina to prop up their own agendas, but unlike Mal, Alina's summoning powers are a massive plus, not a burden. Nikolai is the heroic alternative to our villainous Aleksander. So we wait, wondering if Nikolai will be the one to fix this mess of a romantic subplot. His royal connections offer an easy path to upwards mobility for our heroine and we sense that an alliance between them (even if it's initially political in nature) may bring our heroine closer to obtaining more power, influence, and self-acceptance not only for herself, but also for the oppressed minority she is a part of.

But, again, Bardugo is still obsessed with that "punish the heroine for wanting power" agenda so while Nikolai exists as another mentor figure who offers Alina advice on how to rule, how to appeal to other people, how to charm, how to win people over, and Alina learns and applies much of what she learns from him, he is not treated as a real love interest.

Despite Nikolai being written as a fairy tale prince (handsome, charming, smart as a whip, brave in battle, etc) Alina never actually considers him romantically. They are friends and allies at best and the only time she considers kissing him is only when she's pissed about Mal.

Nikolai's proposal at the end of Ruin & Rising feels like one last saving grace, one last opportunity for our heroine to take control of her life and make a dramatic change to break from the past. But this too is rejected because Alina's arc will never let her access any power. She does not reject Nikolai because she wants to marry for love. She rejects him because she has been "punished" for wanting power and has internalized that she must not seek any more power for fear of angering the plot gods (and Bardugo). She must return to being nobody in order to remain a good and moral person.

(And, of course, we resent Mal even more because who in their right mind would choose him over Nikolai? Once again, he becomes a roadblock on our heroine's journey to power. We grow irritated that the heroine is failing to grasp an opportunity to elevate herself. We throw the book against the wall. Why are we even following this heroine?)

The Darkling's Motivations

Still, all of the above might still not have been enough to pull the reader to the villain's side. But the Darkling is the living embodiment of Villain Has A Point™. He is not pure unadulterated evil. He is not Lord Sauron or Voldemort or the Terminator.

He's more Magneto, Roy Batty, or Ozymandias---a man who is part of an oppressed minority who longs for justice and power but is absolutely unhinged in his methods.

Alina runs away because she does not want to be a non-consenting weapon in hands. But we always end up wondering what would have happened had Baghra not warned her. What would have happened if Alina gladly joined the Darkling's side? There's hundreds of fanfics written precisely about this situation because despite the villainy of his methods, we wonder if Ravka might not have been safer after all?

If the Darkling had used the Fold as a weapon against Fjerda and Shu Han, would any of the problems Ravka faces in the later books even exist? Would any Grisha fall victim to the khergud programs or be killed as witches? The Darkling wipes out Novokribirsk and kills hundreds of lives, but how many would he have saved with the Fold as Ravka's greatest shield and sword? 🤷🏽‍♀️

And therein lies the problem with the trilogy inconsistent moral landscape. The Darkling is an anti-villain that exists in a narrative that is very black and white, unlike the rest of the books in the Grishaverse where our protagonists are anti-heroes who kill, steal, and torture their way through the plot with nary a judgmental glance from the narrative. We long to see our heroine give in to her dark side and get her hands dirty because watching a naive, passive, scared little girl grow into a ruthless powerful Grisha would have made for a hell of a compelling story.

But that's not the story Bardugo wanted to tell.

The Greg Trilogy

Despite taking place in a fantasy Tsartist setting, the Grisha trilogy is oddly anti-Grisha. The narrative doesn't spend much time trying to examine the context or implications of an oppressed minority group fighting for power other than to say "magic powers = evil". Nikolai skates by on a throne of inherited wealth, privilege, and imperialism but it's okay because he's charming and witty and the only monstrous part of him is the Darkling's curse. Literally everything is worse for Ravka and their Grisha after the destruction of the Fold but Ravka must move forward into a new age without relying on Grisha power but putting their efforts into new muggle technologies. Alina must be stripped of her powers and returned to her "old self" in order to be purged of evil.

Basically, it's all one gigantic ✨ dumpster fire ✨ of mismatched character arcs, incompatible moral aesops, inconsistent characterizations, wasted potential, unexamined plot points but it's a a dumpster fire we lovingly and spitefully embrace in fanfic.

We don't ship Alina with the Darkling because we're stupid abuse apologists who somehow missed the giant flashing moral aesop of the books---and honestly, who could have possibly missed them when it's shoved in the reader's face every other chapter? We ship Alina with the Darkling because the entire ship is the embodiment of wasted potential (and wasted ✨aesthetics✨ tbqh 👀). We ship Alina with the Darkling because we're sick and tired of stories where female power is demonized. We ship Alina with the Darkling because the plot gave us literally no other alternative to see our heroine succeed except to give in to her alleged villainy.

But most of all, people ship Darklina because Leigh Bardugo utterly failed in writing the story she intended to write because had she succeeded, Darklina would not be the most popular ship of the trilogy.