#he’s having his own b-plot in the most batshit way possible

[nebjamin]

I don’t know how to explain it but this is quite possibly the most Majima thing that has ever been Majima’d

[samsa19]

is dazai a ghost?

surprise surprise, i'm unfortunately not dead (yet). and before you call me batshit crazy for the title, hear me out. 

because I can tell you I didn’t stop at batshit crazy, I'm probably clinically insane.

((note: if someone had already posted this theory, please let me know. I usually do a quick search before I post my theories, but I didn’t get to do that this time and I’d hate for someone to think I would claim an unoriginal theory to be my own.)) 

anyways, here goes the theory. spoiler break below for the manga >>

These panels were pretty shocking to me. 

To be honest, the first times I’ve seen Dazai appear in Atsushi’s conscious/subconscious, I thought it was just part of his mental shift. As others have probably suggested before, I thought that Dazai was slowly replacing his old headmaster. Like a shift from his past trauma to the inspiring motivation and confidence that Dazai (somehow) instilled within him. I thought that was a nice touch on Asagiri’s part. 

But okay, Dazai has materialized out of nowhere for way too many times to be explained by an Atsushi’s-mini-epiphany and a shrug of the shoulders. And this can be taken storywise as well, because at this point Dazai’s appearance has moved the plot too much. 

So like any other mentally healthy person I think there are two main ways to explain Dazai’s apparent incorporeality. 

1. The Book, which you saw coming from ten miles away 

You can probably piece this together before I explain anything. But being the annoying entitled jackass I am, I will proceed to do so anyway. And generously tell you why I disagree with it. 

Dazai has demonstrated his nullification on the book through BEAST already, and it wouldn’t be strange if another version of himself had that same influence on this very universe. Disregarding whether or not this universe is the “OG” universe, I think there’s valid reason to believe that #our-verse Dazai has contacted other Dazais to make short, somewhat-materialized appearances in this world. 

But, thinking about how this can work, is somewhat difficult. 

Firstly, in order to transcend universes I think we can reasonably assume that we must have a Dazai have ahold of his universe’s Book. So it goes like: you give a Dazai a book -> he contacts his clone -> he teleports -> he headpats Atsushi or whatnot.

However.  

Let’s recall BEAST as an example. It was stated that it took place in a timeline where Dazai somehow got ahold of the Book. I’m not exactly sure how this is, but this would imply he was able to read the future and possible timelines of pretty much every existing universe. 

I include possible, because he says the BEAST world was the only one in which Odasaku could live. But he would have had to go back into the past of that BEAST world, because it starts when Akutagawa meets Dazai- far before Odasaku’s fate. Meaning, the future would not have happened were it not for the interference of alter-Dazai. So there’s a variable, possible timeline for BEAST in which Odasaku would not have lived. 

The definition for the Book, if I recall correctly, is that whatever is written in it becomes true, as long as there is karmic balance. 

...Since when did the Book contain all futures? 

That would mean our timeline is written in as well. If “our” Dazai did contact the others through the Book, he already a) has the book, and b) knows its possible futures. And we’re only seeing the most successful timeline in this world, where every Dazai has decided to cooperate. 

The reason why I’m somewhat reluctant to agree with this, is the incongruity it develops with a), as well as the fact that every appearing Dazai looked the same. 

I did say two main ways, didn’t I? 

2. Dazai is a ghost! 

Oh shit, you saw this coming too.

Jokes aside, I want to reference my old theory in which I stated a possibility that Dazai is competing in existence between his soul and his ability, and the current Dazai we see now is a mixture of the two. (You can check it out in my bsd theory tags.) 

Why did I want to reference this theory? 

Because I’ve been thinking recently: 

An existence has capacity for two entities, a soul and an ability. They establish a mutual relationship by the soul allowing the ability to reside in the existence, and the ability being used freely in its exchange. Additionally, the host soul must be stronger than the ability (as noted by 55 Minutes and Dead Apple). 

What’s happening in Dazai, or at least what I propose, is that the soul and the ability aren’t in this equilibrium. This is what I think disables Dazai from using NLH at his own free will- either the ability is too strong, or the soul is too weak. 

Now, every other ability user can somewhat bring their abilities under control. Kunikida is still Kunikida when he uses Doppo Ginkaku. Kenji returns to Kenji after using ((insert whatever his ability is called in English)). Chuuya is still Chuuya after using Corruption. 

But Dazai, is perpetually both Dazai and NLH.

Here it goes, stay with me. 

Every time we have seen Dazai in Atsushi’s conscience, he was in jail. However, the image is wearing the same clothes as he is when Atsushi interacts with him. 

This clues that whatever is talking to Atsushi, is some essence of Dazai, in the form that Atsushi knows him in. 

So where does this so-called essence come from? 

I have two proposals. 

a. There is an OG Dazai, associated with the Book, that is leading Atsushi to the Book. Thus, fulfilling his title as the “Tiger Beetle” as told by Fitzgerald’s mystery fortune teller. 

Or,

b. There is a fragment of the soul that is not occupying Dazai, due to his conflicted existence, and it is roaming the current world. Whenever it comes in contact with Atsushi, it manifests in the form he knows of. Thus, materializing isn’t actually materializing- it’s Dazai who’s speaking, but Atsushi who’s perceiving the soul in a different way. 

I know the theories this time are pretty weak, but I thought the whole question was worth addressing anyways. Let me know which, if any, of these, are most plausible. Please also tell me if there are any discrepancies with whatever evidence I've brought up. 

Stay safe, and thanks for reading! 

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales Finale Review: The Last Adventure! or So Long and Thanks for All The Ducks

Hello all you happy people. The day we’ve all simultaneously waited for and dreaded is here. The grand finale to a five year journey.. and for me an almost one year journey of covering season 3 as it came out. It was thanks to this show i’ve been able to make money doing what I love. Without it I never would’ve found my patreon Kev, and I never woul’dve had the solid focus to keep going as long as I have. And I never would’ve had all you lovely people reading my work. Thank you for that. I hope you’ll stick around even though the series is gone, I love you all. But as the sun sets on this series I have one last episode of the season, and the series to cover. I won’t be doing it in my usual recap style due to it’s sheer length and scope, but I promise you if you join me under the cut I will break down eveyrthing I can about this final adventure, it’s huge, awe inspiring twists.. and it’s heartwarming conclusion. It’s everything you could want from a finale short of a Grandma Duck Cameo, and i’ts under the cut with full spoilers. Seriously if you do not want any spoilers TURN BACK NOW. I’m opening with probably the biggest spoiler of the finale. 

I Think She’s A Clone Now You were warned. So.. Webby is Scrooge’s Clone, made by FOWL as part of a decades long scheme to find the papyrus of binding, and raised by Beakly to keep this precious child out of their sinister clutches. I have hundreds of reaction images, several for what the fuck.. none of them seem sufficient.. ALL OF THEM together like some megazord of what the fuck are not sufficient for how much this reveal caught me off guard. It caught ALL of us off guard. I’m sure even those who called it still were suprised that’s the direction it took. I think we all expected her parents died by FOWL, or her parents were FOWl with Pepper being one of them, or anything else. So naturally it took around 14 drafts, and me going the fuck to sleep as I had stayed up to watch the finale and thought I could just smoothly transition into writing the review despite there being a LOTTTTT to unpack.

Even after the recharge though this took a bit of doing... so now i’ve done it... what’d I think? Whelp....

I liked it. I like it the more I think about it. Even the problems I had with it just kinda melted away as I thought about it. I understand if you do not. This twist will not be for everyone, it changes Webby’s character and story entirely, ruins tons of fan theories, and in general is batshit even for a series that in the same finale, turned Manny into a shout out to Gargoyles, complete with Keith “My Body is Ready” David. This series is genuinely batshit and loves it, but this is a LOT to ask dramatically, a lot to rewrite expectation wise and a lot to thinka bout. There’s a reason besides sleep deprevation it took me a whlie to fully grasp how I felt. So if you don’t like it fine, but i’m going to make my best case. 

Starting with something that made me realize I fully like it: It dosen’t invalidate Webby’s charcter. The one little problem I had left was “Well dosen’t Webby having the McDuck bloodline mean she couldn’t be specail if she wasn’t a McDuck? That sure the rest of the cast are specail but you can’t be really important without it?” Honestly.. no. Webby is who she is not because she’s a McDuck.. but because she’s Webby. She got her martial arts and mystery solving skills through Beakly and being raised. She had intate talent sure.. but as we’ve seen with the boys through the whole series, talent has to be honed. Skill has to be earned and learned.  Webby worked hard to research other civilizations, worked hard to hone herself into a deadly fighting machine with her mother’s help, worked hard to be every bit as cool as her idol who turned out to be her biological dad. She earned her badassery, her wisdom and her courage SQUARE. 

And more than that she’s her own person. Her adoptive parent and biological parent are both paranoiacs afraid of betryal, unwilling to trust, and slow to let anyone in. By all accounts Webby should be the same.. but she’s not. Oh sure she has some paranoia and is willing to slit some throats, she was raised by the world’s best spy and is the daughter of the world’s greatest hero, that was never going to be gone entirely. But at her core she just wants to trust people. She just wants to love them and be loved. And.. that’s why her family loves her. Because she’s the kindest, the warmest and the best of them. They love her because she’s Webby and that’s she’s family, they could care less who she’s related to. All it really changes is how Scrooge acts around her and that gives us fans tons to work with. 

It’s also expertly revealed, which helped ease us into it. Webby is just as shocked and confused as we are and is seriously hurt, which makes her vulnerable to the villains. Kate Miccui deserves a goddamn award for voice acting and if their isn’t an award show for that their should be. While she’s been fantastic with Webby all series long this is her finest performance, going from Webby’s usual self, to all the hurt she goes through.. to her quitter moments at the end, calling Scrooge dad and giving out a little noise that makes it clear as Beakly tries to leave, that no.. she’ still her family.. she’s still her mom and she’s not going anywhere. 

As for the concept being a bit ridiculous yes it is.. but so is this universe. This universe is entirely insane in the best fucking way possible: I mean.. look at this final group shot. 

We have an old man whose somehow still alive simply because he was too busy to die, an inventor whose cloned himself multiple times so clones are fesable and is probably a clone himself given how the last finale went, an awkward armored superhero and his biotech filled girlfriend, a small boy robot weapon of discretion who put his head on his brother’s body, a no longer headless manhorse former harbinger of the apocalypse with the silky voice of keith david as one big homage to gargoyles, a lesbian living shadow and her sister, a superhero who based himself on a fictional character and his boyfriend/sidekick who by all accounts should be dead by now, a lesbian military superheroine from the moon, STORKULES COCKBLOCKER OUT OF MYTH, his moong goddes sister, two adopted family stunt pilots, a bunch of super intelligent mice, an odd duck whose kinda sorta dating a giant shrimp, his cousin with super luck powers, my globetrotting boys, an immortal treasure hunter and in the family proper: a former spy turned adopted mom of a clone, a woman who lived on the moon for a good decade, a man who once trapped everyone in what would essentially be the plot of the mcu’s second best work by pure accident, a blue boy whose piloted a plain, captained pirates, and has his own talk show, a green boy whose ran a multi-trillion dollar company, nearly destroyed all of time and space and is under investigation for fraud, and a red boy who has a hulk-esque rage filled embodiment of all his suppressed emotions, whose fondest wish was tall legs, and who can easily take out a giant magica supermachine with some fancy wiring. So the richest duck in the world having a clone daughter, while divisvie and what not.. is far more plausable than we give it credit for. As are her new sisters who Id in’t forget but are part of the whole twist. 

So yeah, I like the twist and my nitpick is more that despite having a full season to set it up.. they saved it for the last episode. Instead of BUILDING on Webby’s desire to know more about her family and having the twins show up earlier.. it’s all shove into the finale. It’s a well done shoving but there’s so much that could be explored with Webby being Scrooge’s daughter, so much that futzes with the regular family dynamics and we don't’ get any of it. Sure it was probably saved for a possible season 4 but they treated this season as the last. Manny being an apocalyptic man horse voiced by the uber sexy keith david, and no I will not stop bringing that up even outside of it’s own section and why yes it is getting it’s own section, is the kind of revelation you can leave for one last episode. “One of the main cast is a clone” really isn’t and that’s disapointing. 

Especially since thinking back to life and times.. Webby IS a lot like Scrooge was before circumstance hardened him. She’s tough, resourceful.. but also has a peppy spirit to her. It adds interesting shades to her character, where she zigs where Scrooge zags, how much of it is her upbringing with Granny versus his with his parents, how much did Beakley play into it. There’s A lot to dig into and given I have most of the series left to review, I will get to dig into it, and there’s a lot to be explored in fanfic so if I wasn’t already planning a massive one before I sure as fuck am now. So it’s not a bad twist nor bad we get to write the future.. but I do wish the crew THEMSELVES had done more with it. Still my bar for “not fucking up the entire show” is pretty low after Star Vs ended with her committing implied genocide to stop a genocide and How I Met Your Mother ended “But the real journey was in how much I want to bang, bang bangity bang I said a bang bang bangity bang your aunt robin now your mother conveniently died”. I can handle “This twist is kind of weird but also really intresting.” If the twist isn’t for you, as I said i get it. This is my opinion. Now for the thing I won’t shut up about. 

I LIVE AGAIN:

Look i’ve made no secret how thirsty I am for Keith David nor how much of a national treasure I rightly believe him to be. He’s one of my faviorite voice actors, with a mind boggling number of awesome rolls, mostly recently as a fowl mouthed coffe cup encouraging a teacher to sabotage his rival teachers breaks on close enough. Even if I didn’t like Gargoyles, which I do, i’d have an entire section talking about that Manny reveal. 

Manny was already objectively one of the best parts of the show, a hilariously weird addition that was also relatable as he just wanted to fit in. I did not know you could make him better. Then they gave him Keith David’s voice and revealed he’s one of the four horseman of the apocalypse, but doesn’t want to end the world he just wants to be a normal dude, AND turned him into a shout out to the last part of the disney afternoon they hadn’t touched, my favorite part of it and a show i’ve been sitting on watching in full for far too long. Motherfucking Gargoyles. 

But given how unique it was for the Disney Afternoon and how much Disney had no desire to ever reference or use the franchise, still no fucking clue as to why they are sitting on money here, I expected it to be sadly but understandably left out. Instead they made Manny into an expy for them, gave him the voice of their leader Goliath, the voice of an angel, and had him say “I LIVE AGAIN” complete with the utterly transcendent theme song. Seriously give it a listen. 

So yeah I couldn’t not mark out at this. Amazing fucking stuff and almost as unexpected as the clone thing and easily my second faviorite part of the fiinale only NARROWLY topped by the curtain call. Which we’ll get to. Keith David took his time getting to this series but they saved the best guest voice for last. Utter tremendous. 

Huey Season?: I”ll save more of this for my breakdown as the season as a whole but yeah while the finale as a whole was good.. I do feel Huey got short changed. He got PLENTY of development this season, and some REALLY good scenes with Bradford.. but ultimately he got overshadowed by the Webby thing. it just never quite felt like Huey got a real resolution to his character arc the way his brothers did. He still got some REALLY good moments, his “Just cough up the information Bentina!” was one of his finest and Danny Pudi did his best. The BUILDUP was good but hte payoff was non existant and easily the weakest part of an otherwise triumphant finale. I feel the final plot was ultimately just a bit too jam packed to really have Huey feel vital to it the way Dewey was to the Della arc and Louie was to his own arc. Both tgot big emotional payoffs in his finale but the most I could gather here was he accepted adventure? I guess. It just really feels off, like I missed the payoff to everything when it’s probably just nonexistent and that bothers me a lot. In a finale that was almost all hit.. this was easily the biggest misstep. I don’t have as much to say here on it.. but that’s because it’s really that simple: they gave Huey’s arc a ton of build up in this last episode and some of his others, really made him into Bradford’s good counterpart.. then just sorta.. forgot it because “oh shit Webby’s scrooge’s daughter kinda need to pull focus here”. Had they given this arc at least one more episode, we might of had time for it. Granted i’m not sure how much they could get away with but we clearly needed at least one more episode and what they chose to jettision, the climax to Huey’s story.. was way more important than they clearly thought and i’m heavily disappointed. 

Bradford’s Big Hole Speaking of payoffs the missing mysteries payoff.. is a mixed bag. I expected all of them to combine some how into some elaborate plan I just wasn’t seeing. In hindsight it does make sense that wasn’t it: Bradford hates overcomplicated schemes, so his would be incredibly simple and require as few moving parts as possible. It still dosen’t stop the fact that the big plan to cap off the entire series built over a season... was to build a giant stygian hole of non existence to throw people into. 

Yes really. Instead of using the Payprus to write them out of existance, if carefully worded or try doing it all at once or anything practical.. Bradford just plans to shove everything he dosen’t want in the world anymore into a hole.  Look i’ts not like it ruins the episode, there’s still tons of tension from him holding Scrooge’s loved ones over his hole and threating to throw them into it’s gaping void. And it’s foiled by a 12 year old just.. shutting it off. Like I get him leaving an off switch on, that’s just common sense.. but why wouldn’t he have a remote or something to turn it back on? one with a password or something to lock it. There’s something inherently underwhelming about as series ending plan that can be summed up “hope no one shuts my unguarded hole. “

The finale does make for it by using the missing mysteries all in VERY clever ways. In fact every episode in the season had some sort of payoff here. It’s what makes up for how baffling the main plan is: every other thing, from the missing mysteries to the guest stars has lead up to this one moment, this one final adventure. Which leads me too

An Hurricane of Payoffs:

So from the top Challenge of the Senior Junior Woodchucks!: Isabella Finch herself ends up being VITAL to the story and to Bradford’s backstory, as does Junior Woodchucking as a whole. Quack Pack!: Gene is the fuel for Blot’s glove.. though he also fucks off right afterwords.. never to be seen again or help out at any point...

Double-O-Duck in You Only Crash Twice!: This was the most unexpected and elevated the episode in hindsight for me as what seemed like a waste of time.. wound up setting up the first part of the finale, and the final battle with Steelbeak, and in clever ways with Steelbeak using the intelliray on himself, Launchpad muttering the map in his sleep via his smart self and Dewey remembering the base layout. 

The Lost Harp of Mervana: Used as a lie detector for that heartbreaking interrogation scene. 

Louie’s Eleven: Introduced Daisy setting up Donald’s plot which i’ll get to. 

Astro BOYD: My baby boy comes back for this episode! He also gets one of the best lines of it “I’m a Head!”. That is the most ralph wiggum the boy has ever been. I’m so proud. 

Rumble For Ragnarok: Okay I was wrong nothing from this one comes back. Still a great episode. Same with the trickening. Both are VERY stellar episodes though, so I give it a pass. You can’t give a nod to EVERYTHING. 

The Phantom and the Sorceress: The Blot and Super Sayian God Super Sayian Lena, as well as Lena’s character development from said episode.  They Put a Moonlander on the Earth!: Launchpad helping Penny realize her purpose.  Forbidden Fountain: Jeeves is un-babied as a trap Let’s Get Dangerous!: Drake and Gosalyn Return, and Solageo’s Circut ends up being vital to the climax.. in the strangest and funnest way to say possible but still. It counts.  Escape from the Impossibin: Beakley’s near breakdown at the idea FOWL has come back. It was already heartbreaking and the first adventure had made it even more so.. but now it’s out and out DEVISTATING. The one thing after her daughter is not only back.. but SHE’S the reason he’s in Scrooge’s life and home and her giving up SHUSH has now left her wide open. 

The Split Sword: Probably the best out of all of these as it ends up directly playing into the climax in an awesome way i’m saving for Bradfords New Gods: Storkules shows up. Okay so that every episode claim bit me on the ass. Also when did these two meet? I mean probably at end of spear of selene but the more important question is WHY DID YOU ROB  ME OF THESE TWO MEETING AT ANY POINT IN THE SERIES. 

The First Adventure: Naturally the Payprus comes back as Does herons needling bradford to stop denying what he is. 

Fight For Castle McDuck: Suprisingly the blessed bagpipes ended up being VITALLY important. And giving us sexiest man alive infinity years running Keith David for an episode.  Last Christmas; Santa Cameo

Beaks in the Shell: Gandra being taken and the Lost Library being setup for this episode. 

Lost Cargo: The Stone of What Was. And Credit where its due what FELT like simply a filler episode with a tantengal connectoin.. ended up probably being one of the most important episodes. Fair play. 

Life and Crimes: Magica turning Bradford into a non sentient bird, like what happened to her brother.... proving once again this episode really REALLY needed as subplot attached to lead into the finale or something. 

Bonus Round: Pilot payoffs by the pound. Seriously Scrooge and Donald’s last lines to each other, the badass return of “I’m a Pilot”, more on that in a minute, and even other smaller call backs like “Keep Getting Up” and webby sucessfully getting some juice to Louie’s pride. All top notch stuff and it really makes the finale FEEL like one with all this coming back full circle. So i’ve hinted at it enough, let’s bring on the bad guy. 

The First Woodchuck

We’ve had some mixed payoffs so let’s get to one that’s just out and out excellent. Bradford Buzzard.. is the best villian the show ever had. Now I will give the caveat that my favorite forever and always will be

You know it, I know it. But Bradford is the best genuine threat of the series, with Marc Evan Jackson perfectly balancing his menace and genuine evil.. with his steadfast believe that he isn’t evil, and his calm, controlled business demeanor. It’s one of the best performances of the show and he deserves all the credit for it and after seeing him in supporting roles for his career, even if his role as Kevin on Brooklyn Nine-Nine is fucking awesome and I’m sad that show is ending, it’s nice to see him step into a big meaty role as the big bad and utterly nail it. 

And the finale.. pays eveyrthing off with him, apart from the plan itself perfectly. Starting off him being revealed as Isabella Finch’s grandson... was  a stroke of genius. I didn’t expect her to come back in play but it gives perfect reason both why he knew about the mysteries.. and why he’s like this. 

Like Scrooge did with his nephews, niece and daughter, Isabella dragged Bradford all around the world seeing the unseen, thinking it was fun. The problem was... Bradford HATED it. He hated every minute of it, like as one post pointed out Rusty Venture from the Venture bros, and felt he should be in school. He wanted a normal life and a normal world and not.. this waking nightmare. So to him, fixing the world, stopping this sort of thing is the only way and that doing so is a good thing. His problem is how he adapted to it.

We see that best in his mirror images, the people he’s in direct contrast with and the show knows it. Starting off with the one he’s not like at all is Scrooge. Part of what makes Bradford perfect is he’s Scrooge’s evil opposiite. The Luthor to His Superman, The Joker to his Batman, the Green Goblin to his Spider-Man, the Iron Monger to his Iron Man, the Sinestro to his Green Lantern. Both come from a long line of adventure but while Scrooge embraces that and loves it, Bradford hates it and wants to destroy it. One is energetic and always ready, the other’s calm, calculated. And one sees what he is.. and the other dosen’t. Simple as that.

But his other mirror’s are more like him, moving onto Huey. Their both woodchucks, both prefer caution and planning, and both want to make some sense of a nonsensical world. Both want to feel safe when they constnatly don’t. One’s prone to panic attack the other’s calm. But what makes Huey the better man... is that he accepts the world is the way he is. It goes all the way back to terror of the terrafirmains. While he was all for adventure he started his doubting things, not beliving things were real.. because the reality that there are some things you just can’t prepare for, just can’t know, and you can’t be always ready.. it shattered him. He nearly let himself die rather than live knowing what’s out there. Webby pulled him out of that, literally and figuratively.. and he never went back. Sure he still tries to have an order to things, still breaks when his structure’s broken.. but it’s gone from a paranoid fear of the unknown and weird to embracing it. To relishing in finding unsolved mysteries and new clues to unlock, to finding new things to explore. He went from seeing this chaotic world as something to run from, to embracing and studying it. To loving it the way it is the way his family loves him for who he is. Bradford.. denies reality belongs the way it is and wants to force it into what HIS idea of it is Superboy Prime Style. The world isn’t waht he thought it should be so he’ll MAKE it that way. Huey grew as a person.. while his arc didn’t have a full payoff.. it still pays off here by showing what he COULD’VE been. had he let his earlier fear and his always present neurosis drive him like Bradford has. Let his big brain make him think he knows what’s better for EVERYONE instead of using it to genuinely help people. Bradford lacks the boys heart and empathy and that’s why he fell. Huey had his family backing him, his best friends coming to get him, and his brothers ultimately rescue him. Bradford.. threw his only true ally down a styigan murder hole. 

Finally.. we have the one that’s not brought up directly.. but is very much there. Donald. While the two don’t interact hardly at all... it’s VERY fitting that Donald is the one Bradford picks to threaten Scrooge with. Like Bradford... Donald grew to hate adventure, he wanted to get as far away from it as possible and took it from his boys for as long as he could. Granted that was in part Bradford’s fault, and that was an INCREDIBLY clever twist: it dosen’t make him entirley responsible or anything that robs the moment of it’s imapct, Della still chose to take it out by herself, she still lied to Donald and she still got lost all by her own decision and impuslviness. But it fits perfectly into it: Bradford’s horrifying smile when Scrooge gets taken away from saving her is even WORSE now with full context, and it still fits that knowing about the project.. he’d want to set it up to screw up Scrooge’s life. I don’t think he sabotaged the rocket or anything, too obvious and something Della would’ve mentioned by now.. but he knew it was unfinished. 

Back to the parallel the diffrence is once again.. change. Donald let go of his hate of scrooge and his past and realized it wasn’t all bad. He let himself grow as a person after a decade of bitterness and anger. But most tellingly and poignantly is Quack Pack... both had a chance to make a world that was safe, normal and what they always wanted. Both out of terror of the danger of this world.  Thing is.. Donald’s was noble. He feared for his kids, his sister, his uncle.. loosing one again and any of them at all. He wanted a normal life to be safe, to hide from that.. but it’s not what THEY wanted or who they are. He accepted that’s not how the world works and how it does.. is still pretty great. And his growth shows: he’s ending the series planning to go off with his girlfriend globetrotting, KNOWING things might not be safe, but diving into adventure, having accepted it as part of him. He even finds some new family and takes in two girls who badly needed a home. He learned to accept things how they are... and Bradford refuses, not beliving in this world as it is and vowing to force it into the way he wants it to be. 

And it’s that inherent selfishness.. that makes Bradford the Cartoon Supervillian he desperatley claims he isn’t. Bradford dosen’t care how many lives it takes, how much worse it makes the world, or how many people he has to stab in the back... the world WILL be “normal”. Bradford cares for no one and nothing except his own ambition. He kills Heron despite her loyality, and his own clones who loyally served him.. simply because their chaos too. No one or nothing else matters, not how they feel, not their right to exist.. only HIS vision. If he wanted to keep the world safe he’d be more of a hero, if still throughly a bastard... but he dosen’t. He wants to make it “normal”. He wants the world the way he thinks it shoudl be and damn anyone else and perfectly represents all the old assholes like him today who refuse to accept something diffrent or against the norm because “that’s how it’s always been”.  Like those real world assholes.. Bradford is wrong. The Duckverse is beauitful how it is in it’s chaos and risk and love. And he just can’t see it because it’s not what he WANTS to see. 

And that’s why I also love the Sword giving him big, black and red classic villianous monster, slowly mutating him as he fights the duck family. Because that’s his inner strength: he may deny he’s a villian but he’s forcing his will on others, refuses to see the world as it is for selfish reasons, and is willing to kill his own friends and allies if it means getting it. He’s the bad guy. And while he denies it to those around him... it’s clear from the fact the sword is working for him that he KNOWS IT, he knows he’s a villian and this is just what he wants but is so up his own ass he can’t SAY it or admit it. And in the end he’s fully beaten by the fact that his forcing his will on everything’s what’s unnatural: While his plan was ingenious, have scrooge sign a contract agreeing never to adventure again, since he’s right Scrooge would solve nonexistance it’s the same reason “launch hulk into space” only resulted in a smarter, more skilled hulk coming back with a space army to get revenge. He just didn’t bank on the inherent rediclousness of the unvierse: family really is the greatest adventure of all.. and the papyrus accepted it. It was the one thing he coudln’t palnf or because he can’t see the woirld how it is.. and that’s why he lost. He was so confident how he saw the world and how he worked was the only way... another way beat him. 

His fate.. was also awesome and endleslly apporirate. Being mocked by the other villians who while less capable aside from Magica, at least admit what they are and what their doing.. and turned into a Vulture for Magica, left to be a mindless lackey in tons of chaotic schemes for the rest of his life. It couldn’t of happened to a nicer jackass. Okay three more sections to go. Let’s go.

Come Sail Away, Come Sail Away, Come Sail Away With Daissssyyyy

Donald’s leaving for a long, romantic adventure with Daisy is the perfect capper to Doanld’s character. Donald started the series hating adventure: blaming it for della being gone, his rough times during it, and wanted to escape it in the boat and keep from loosing his kids to it. He felt like a looser for not having reached his dreams or properly provided for his nephews, when really he did his best and still raised three wonderful kids. A bit overproective, god yes.. but despite his grief and anger he still got through ten years with them on his own merits, hard work and determination. 

As the series went he reconclied with his past, realized Scrooge lost something too and that blaming him soley when it was Della’s choice was just taking his anger out on the one person he had left to take it out on instead of embracing his only family left, accepted Storkules as his friend (JUST his friend), accepted adventure through quack pack realizing that while it may be weird, dangerous and sometimes stressful for him... it’s what his family love doing and they should be who they are instead of who he wants them to be, and finally.. accepted himself by finding Daisy, someone who loves him for who he is, and literally and metaphorically understands him and turned right back around from dumping him to save him from a giant monster she roared at. He’s finally at peace. 

And that’s why leaving. Not forever, He , Daisy, and his girls will be back in a few months or even a month. It’s very clear this is a vacation.. but it’s one  he’s earned.  He’ll always love his boys, his surrogate daughter/cousin, his sister, and his best buddy launchpad. But it’s okay for him to want to form his OWN family, to spend time with his future wife and show her the world. To make his own story for once instead of sharing it. To find his voice. 

I also find it very poetic that a story that started with Donald raising his nephews like their dad.. ends with him adopting two more children. Two kids whose lives had been misrable: rapidly aged in tubes, deemed failures, constantly bellittled by the closest things they have for parents, so desperate for answers they’d kidnap their own sister and betray her trust and do things they know are wrong, And all this.. for nothing as their  Dad kills their mom, bad as she was, and plans to kill them. And Donald’s first thought when given the chance to have a kid free time to himself, with no guilt having earned it? To take these girls in, start his own family, if Daisy’s cool with it mind he thankfully clearly called to talk this over first, and give them their own. Because that’s who Donald is, a good man whose finally earned his happy ending and the life he always wanted.. and accepted who he always was. An adventuerer, a loving fiance.. and  dad. 

The Real Hero: One last one before the bonus round and a quick one. The Launchpad Scene.. was one of the shows best. His arc in this episode of thinking he’s not a hero.. made sense. He’s been plenty heroic.. but his boyfriend is a martial arts and gymnastics savant and one of his three best friends has a giant suit of armor and is a genius. But the payoff made even more: He may not be the strongest, the most skilled or the smartest.. but he has the heart of a hero. He’s always been the kindest, most trusting, most friendly one of the main family, a guy who never gives up, even when he should, never surrenders and loves everybody. And that’s why he’s inspired so many people: Fenton to not give up after his firing and keep going, leading to his path as Gizmoduck. When Drake was lost, his fllm gone and his mentor seemingly dead (In fact skulking around the sewers like an evil ninja turtle), and his future unclear... TOLD HIM he could be Darkwing, that he could become the hero they both ihdolized and the inspiration to kids he wanted to be by his own bootstraps, and he gave Gosalyn faith in darkwing and hope at at time she had none. He also gave those mice their freedom. Not as poignant but you try creating the rescue rangers and see how far you get. I’ve lost a lot of chipmunks and mice that way. 

Launchpad’s last stand makes up for his lack of being in the season during the final  half. Launchpad realizing that despite his quirks he’s just as noble, valuable and wonderful as his families, both of them. And that he is a pilot. Sure he gets the gizmoduck armor.. but the armor isn’t what makes hi ma hero... i’ts being launchpad that makes him a hero. Loving adopted dad, wonderful partner, best friend... and a pilot

Bonus Round:

Okay this is just stray stuff from throughout the episode I didn’t have several paragraphs worth of material on before we get to the final thoughts. But it had so much good I can’t not talk about it. So...

Gyro calling Little Bulb BOYD’s brother. My heart wept. So sweet. As was him fixing his son at the end. BOYD has the two loving families he deserves.. and the brother he deserves.. and the brother he dosen’t deserve who will probably also is skulking around the sewers like an nafarious ninja turtle as the series ends. 

Gosalyn fixing up Darkwing’s outfit for him. Awwww. Adopt that child you coward. Also if they don’t base the reboot on frank’s work here, I will riot. 

“Just cough up the information Bentina!” that was just pure comedy gold especially the sheer fear radiating off him. Also right. 

Manny’s “I can explain” and , once he has silky smooth keith david voice going “Come on man I just want to live my life.” That man is a legend. 

Dewey and Louie just not talking the “you kids stay behind shit” pointing out both their stake in this and how they’ll just go anyway and him proudly accepting it. Given the kids turned the tied of things a lot, good call. 

Dewey and Don Karnage singing their own background music as they air joust. Hell yes. 

Pepper got a promotion! Goodf or her... it’s meaningless now but hey she has a partner in both senses. 

Speaking of pepper she had the best line of the episode “He’s a grown man who has the strength of a baby!”. Only Amy Sedaris could’ve given that delivery just the perfect way she did. 

The Funzo’s opening sequence was dynamite, from how well set up it was as an infilfration, to Webby having learned how to scam free drinks (Louie was so proud), to Lena cheating for her sister at DDR, to Scrooge paying full price.. it was wonderful> The payoff was also great as rather than be mad her special day was used as part of an elabroate spy operation.. she’s giddy. Because of course she is. Two specitic  bits that get their own items

The Cabs came back one last time! It dosen’t effect my now finished retrospective, but after spending all that time with them it was nice to see them for what will probably be the last time for some time. 

The whole scene where Della finds out about the trip. Just all of it. Her casually and accidentally choking daisy TWICE, Fethry, who sadly did not get an episode this season, being the one to blab about it and only realizing it .. after repeating that they told him not to, and Gladstone who not only was casually winning at Skeeball while his cousins both got pissed at it, relateable as hell, but then awkwardly escorting his baby cousin out of the situation. 

“Satstically with Hubert gone one of us should be pancking but WHO I ASK YOU WHO?” As if I needed more evidence they were perfect for each other. 

Lena just.. slumping over after Dewey finally has her drop the cloak. Comedy gold. BOYD scanning her later likewise so. 

The second best line and line read of the episode goes to Louie/Bobby Monihan. “That is not comforting, I do not want to die”. He couldn’t of summed up Louie in one line any better. 

Ludvwig was a national treasure.  Not only did I squeel internally when it turned out he was alive but the explination for it was hilarious as it was batshit, and him just causally revealing Webby’s origin was fucking amazing “Ill give you all a moment ot process” The acomplanying “bless me bagpipes” was also amazing. 

I do wish we found out where FOWL went but it was probably to leave the remains all free to come back as villians of the week. Frank outright said they had a tailspin sequel episode ready to go.

The Webby and June fight was a masterpiece and I REALLY need to do a top 12 fights list someday. 

Lena connecting with the new twins , having pretty much the same background of being created by a villian for shitty reasons. 

“one is silver and the other is “ “Flintheart glomgold!” they should consider a teamup. What’s a little brainwashing between friends?

“We’re sisters’. No you and violet are sisters, Webby is your girlfriend your both just in denial. I only say this because Webby also thinks Della and Penny are just friends and I feel she simply dosen’t know what being gay is or again is in denial. They’ll get there. Plus it feels like Lena just didn’t want to loose her and would say anything which is valid. 

Curtain Call and Final Thoughts:

The Curtain Call was the perfect way to end a spectacular finale. Each bit of it’s a masterpiece, and every character gets one last awesome, heartfelt and hilarous goodbye with the camera and ending how it should: on our five most important characters, in a circle, together, smiling, freefaling into the next adventure. I”d have it no other way and any other series finale credits and last moments will now pale in comparison. 

So the finale as a whole is messy, some bits aren’t resolved as good as they could’ve been, Huey go the shaft, and it REALLY needed another episode leading into it to help take the pressure off. While it needed 90 minutes for the plot it had to tell, it needed more to build up to that and while the season was tight with episodes they BADLY needed one more they didn’t get or even a subplto to help take the load off this episode. 

But even with that... it was an utterly awesome finale on par with other recent standouts like “Let’s Fight to the End”/ “Thank you For Watching the Show” (Both feel like finales to me but in diffrent ways), “The Future” and the whole arc leading up to it, both parts of “Heart” and “Nice While It Lasted” . It was heartstopping, heartrending and heartfelt and ended the show as it should be: with over the top insanity, big reveals, a hell of a final battle.. and a focus on family. It’s not the perfect finale, and I defintely need more ducktales.. but it’s still a classic one and one of the series finest hours.. literally in this case. 

I.. am going to miss this series. I went into it before but it’s thanks to this series I make a living. If you’d like to contribute to that, I have a patreon, patreon.com/popculturebuffet, my next stretch goal is a darkwing duck epsiode a month so  kick in a buck won’t you? and take comissions so if theres an episode from the first two seasons that’s not part of the season 1 arc (I’m almost done there) or Lena’s story (already being paid for that) feel free to shoot me a line to comissoin it for five bucks an episode. 

But more than that it was an excellent well crafted show that took a franchise I love and updated it for a new generation. My nieces love it, I love it, and I will always love it for that. Young or old, this show as phenominal, it was stupdendous.. it was a duckblur. It will remain in my heart for probaly the rest of my life among such shows as Steven Universe, Parks and Recreation, The Venture Bros, Letterkenny, DBZ Abriged, and so many more that have touched my life. It was simply the best. And i’m going to miss it. Thank you for reading this, i’ll see you at another rainbow, if not one quite like this.

Next on this Blog: Duck week continues after this review took two days to complete. Sorry about that. Our heroes head to castle McDuck and Dewey is forced to face the consequences of his actions, while Scrooge yells at his dad , his dad yells at him and his mom is the most precious thing tha’ts ever lived. Also Launchpad in Donald Cosplay. And it won’t stop there as till saturday the rest of the week is all dedicated to Ducktales as I finish up the Della and Lena arcs for season 1 and get started on Lena’s last three episodes. So if you liked some ducktales, stick around. And once again.. thank you. 

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael After Midnight: Heavy Metal

Sometimes it’s fun to revisit old movies you watched when you were younger and find out, hey, this is better than you remembered! Sometimes your young mind just wasn’t ready to accept how awesome something was, and you needed time to fully understand what you look for and like about cinema to truly appreciate it. But then, sometimes, you watch something you liked when you were younger, and you realize… wow, this is absolute dog shit!

Such is the case with Heavy Metal. This is a movie I have frequently cited as a low-ranking entry on lists of the finest animated films of all time, and to be entirely fair to the film, it is important in a historical sense, being a cult classic that was passed around through bootlegs because music rights kept it from getting a home video release, and it came out around the dawn of the 80s and kind of destroyed what you would think an animated film was capable of. This film is full of sex, drugs, and rock and roll, and it entirely, unabashedly unashamed of this, for better or for worse.

Now, while I do think the overall film is a bit lacking, it is an anthology film divided into segments, and there are some pretty good ones I will make note of; this is not a film with absolutely no merit. But before that, let me point out the one thing everyone can agree is amazing about this film: the soundtrack. You’ve got Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, Stevie Nicks, Devo, Cheap Trick… if nothing else, the kickass soundtrack is worth a listen, though Blue Oyster Cult’s song inclusion irritates me to a great degree. The movie went with “Veteran of the Psychic Wars” for the soundtrack, despite the fact Blue Oyster Cult had a song ready to go that is literally about the final entry in the anthology, called “Vengeance (The Pact).” Why the people compiling the soundtrack made this choice baffles me; it reminds me of how they didn’t use “Jennifer’s Body” in, well, Jennifer’s Body, instead opting for a different Hole song from the same album.

But I digress. Let’s go one by one and touch on the segments:

The framing device is about an entity known as the Loc-Nar, who claims to be the sum of all evil, detailing to a little girl how it has influenced chaos and carnage across time and space. The thing is, though, the Loc-Nar doesn’t come out on top in any of the segments, and its schemes are often thwarted. So the entire movie is basically this supreme evil being detailing to a little girl how much it sucks ass at its one job.

The first segment is Harry Canyon, a story about the eponymous futuristic New York taxi driver. In some regards it reminds me of The Fifth Element, what with a scruffy, slummy, futuristic taxi driver trying to help a smoking hot babe find out the truth and all, but unlike that film, this short is a lot bleaker and gritty. You kinda know what you’re in for when Harry vaporizes a dude who tries to mug him, and if that’s not enough, the female lead of this short literally throws herslef at him, and yes, he gets to take a dive into her Harry Canyon – and you get to see it.

This is a running theme throughout these shorts – almost every female character has huge titties and is sexually promiscuous, throwing themselves at the first penis they see as if it was their job. It’s so incredibly juvenile and tacky as to be laughable, but I guess this comes with the territory considering the magazine this film adapted.

Anyway, the segment is harmless and unremarkable. It’s exactly what you’d expect from this sort of story, without much in the way of twists or turns.

The second segment, Den, is arguably the best segment in the entire film. We have a nerdy kid named Dan who gets transported across space and becomes the musclebound warrior with a huge cock known as Den. Every woman throws herself at him, every villain in his way gets pummeled, and no task is too impossible for this man! And did I mention that he is voiced by John Candy? Really, Candy’s comedic touch is what makes this entire thing feel fun and palatable; it’s a cheesy swords and sorcery romp through and through. Honestly, I don’t have much bad to say about this one, it’s just very silly fun.

Unfortunately we are back to being not great with Captain Sternn. Sternn, played by Eugene Levy (of The Wacky World of Mini Golf fame), is basically an intergalactic war criminal on trial, and when his paid witness Hanover Fiste (played by Rodger “Squidward Tentacles” Bumpass) comes up to the stand, the Loc-Nar influences him to the most evil act possible… betraying this war criminal in front of the judge and jury! GASP! I’m not sure what the Loc-Nar is really trying to do here; you’d think it would maybe want Sternn free to continue spreading wicked influence across the galaxy, but nah, it just makes Squidward hulk out and tries to kill him, only for the tables to be turned and Squidward to be dropped out an airlock, further cementing how utterly useless the Loc-Nar is.

Thankfully, once that’s over, we have yet another very strong segment, another contender for best in show: B-17. This is a genuinely creepy zombie short film, and the zombies are utterly horrifying and grotesque. This is regarded as the most nightmarish part of the film, and for good reason; this shit is certainly worthy of being called “heavy metal.” Honestly, there isn’t much bad to say about this one either, except perhaps that it is over far too soon.

Then we get to what is probably the worst segment: So Beautiful, So Dangerous. The entire segment is sort of meant to be a lighthearted comedic breather between The last segment and the final one, but it just comes off as combining every problem the movie has into one segment: the uselessness of the Loc-Nar, copious and ridiculous sex, drugs, and so on. Really all that’s missing from this is gratuitous violence, but hey, guess you can’t have everything all the time, right? It just comes off as really dull and pointless, and there’s not really anything particularly funny about anything that happens in it, unless of course you’re a thirteen year old who thinks “big boob woman having sex with robot while aliens snort cocaine” is the funniest shit on Earth.

Thankfully, we end on a strong note with Taarna, which is about a proud warrior woman dressed in horrifically impractical armor (and this actually effects the plot, I’m not kidding, somehow there was some self-awareness here) and a cool alien pteradactly flying off to fulfill a vengeful pact after the slaughter of a peaceful race by barbarians mutated by the Loc-Nar, in what may be the Loc-Nar’s sole impressive feat. Taarna is the ultimate hero, giving us the trifecta of qualities a heroine in this movie should have – boobs, butt, and bush... Er, I mean, sword, cool mount, and ass-kicking prowess. This one is not quite as good as “Den” or “B-17,” but I still think it’s a solid finale that has enough action and awesome music to make up for its tackier elements.

The movie ends with Taarna’s defeat of the Loc-Nar echoing through time and killing it which… makes absolutely zero sense, but whatever, the Loc-Nar is an absolutely atrocious villain and perhaps one of the most useless in cinematic history, he gets a 1/10 on Psycho Analysis. Then the girl gets her own kickass space dragon thing and becoming the new Taarna or something and, honestly, it’s the exact  sort of batshit ending you should expect from the film.

So, is this really an awful film? In some places, no. It’s a love letter to cheesy, trashy sci-fi fantasy from the 70s, with all that comes with it, and in that regard it does succeed. But still, a lot of the film feels like the utterly juvenile fantasies of same sad high schooler, or perhaps even middle schooler, who has never had and who likely never will have sex. It’s a tashy little time capsule to a bygone era where this sort of storytelling was okay so long as there was enough blood and titties on display, so if that appeals to you, by all means, check this film out. It’s certainly not the worst thing in the world to watch, but animation has come so far and adult animation in particular is capable of so much more than adolescent masturbatory fantasies that this film has little value beyond a few solid segments and a damn good soundtrack.

Hell, just go listen to the soundtrack. I think you’d have a better time doing that.

[tanoraqui]

I just wanted you to know that I just read all your hellmurder castle 'verse posts and I LOVE THAT AU SO MUCH

what you have to understand about my Hellmurder Castle AU (Homestuck set in the world of Girl Genius, if you haven’t read it) is that it was born specifically from my spite exasperation with all the long, epic AUs about either only the trolls or the trolls + beta kids, with alpha kids appearing as background characters at best and often not at all. Many of these fics are great, and many of them were written or at least planned before the alpha kids even appeared in canon, in which case it’s not the authors’ faults at all. But I LOVE my alpha kids, and Roxy may be my favorite and Dirk is a delight, but I was ALSO tired to tears of how even in fics featuring the alpha kids, it was almost always Derse-heavy.

So I basically said “fuck it”, yeeted them all into the world of Girl Genius (which was inevitable), figured out the torrid backstory of the beta kids and ancestors and how the dancestors and trolls fit in, and set about focussing the plot and character development exclusively on the alpha kids, particularly Jake and Jane. Particularly particularly Jake, because a) I thought him more underappreciated than Jane, and b) the idea of a Heroic Adventurer who constantly has to resist his own reflex to be a minion is fucking funny.

Let’s elaborate, shall we? Because I’m okay again, after the epilogue. I have forgiven. So, the hypothetical pfennig novels/fics in a series:

Jake English: Escape from Castle Lalonde

In which Jake leaves home, and meets a number of interesting people.

covers from basically that scene of Roxy capturing him through Jake escaping with Jane, and them agreeing to be adventuring partners. A lot of the middle consists of Jake helping Roxy and Dirk win back Roxy’s ancestral home of Castle Lalonde, defeating whatever villainous spark - probably an OC - had taken up residence.

Jake means to leave, but Roxy and Dirk need help cleaning up, and getting their labs running, and with interesting projects…and possibly they put a shock collar on him so he can’t leave the grounds…or at least tell him that’s what the collar does, and prove it, like, twice, and then turn it off because they don’t actually want him crippled in an emergency; mostly he’s just a great minion and Roxy is pretty sure he’s destined to be part of their team for defeating the Batterwitch, as laid out in the obscure and highly metaphorical prophecy her mother left her in a wizard book.

this is not at all good ground for either friendship or a healthy minion/master relationship, which is why Jake is pretty damn game to help Jane escape and then run away with her.

Jake English and the Red Miles

in which…I actually have barely any memory of wtf is supposed to happen in this one. Presumably, they have to survive the Red Miles at some point, with some ridiculous series of revivificationsthe trolls show up at Jake and Jane’s camp (okay fine, I love them, too), and after some alarmed mutual weapon-pointing, explain that Jake’s grandmother, Lady English, made them after Jake left, except now she’s died so they’ve come to find Jake and either bring him home or, at least, join his adventuring team and keep him safe

(yeah, Jade instilled some loyalty, which is Sketch. In fairness, when she lost control of the original generation of trolls, all her best friends were killed and/or disappeared, presumed dead. she has reasons)

I wonder if there was supposed to be a timeskip between this and the previous book, or if Escape from Castle Lalonde happened later into Jake going out adventuring than I think, or if Jade just got bored and made 12 new people like…3 hours after Jake left home

for pacing, the trolls should probably show up pretty early in this story, so they have a long time to be around before shit hits the fan

a lot of this book, aside from whatever shenanigans they’re dealing with re: Red Miles, would be Jake dealing with the fact that he is suddenly responsible for 12 people who keep looking to him for orders, and somewhere in the distance is an entire town (Hellmurder Village) that’s likewise.

they do not go back to the Castle at the end of this book, even though they arguably should bc Jake has responsibilities. But he also has adventuring to do, by golly, and…hm, it’s one of the Rings that causes the Red Miles, isn’t it? So maybe they get it at the end of this book, and now they have to track down the other one. Which brings us to…

Jake English and the Rings of Skaia

In which Jake and Jane (and Roxy and Dirk, and 12 young trolls) explore a castle, learn a little history, and generally level up their friendshipsI split up the aspects of Castle Heterodyne in this au: Jake has the recently inherited Castle with the terrifying, nigh-magical power source buried in its depths, and Jane has the abandoned derelict that is fully sentient, most automated, and even more malicious than it is trapped. This is the story of that castle, and the Ring of Life hidden somewhere in it

Jack Noir. The castle’s sentience is Jack Noir. Or perhaps more accurately Spades Slick? Who cares.

I had a very elaborate mythology/history thought up at some point about the twin spark queens of Derse and Prospit and their great enmity, and the saga of betrayal and heroism that marked their reigns and left behind this castle and two super magical scientific rings of power, and I do not remember ANY of it now.

This is the bit where that scene of Dirk ripping out Vriska’s soul comes from. He and Roxy are here for the fabled treasure as well - possibly the castle only appears/is accessible at certain specific times? And they don’t know the trolls are with Jake, so…clusterfuck, there.

Jake English and the Troll Queen

in which the big bad is reveeled

there’s trouble brewing in the countryside, idk, monsters or pirates or something that can be traced, after some investigative heroing, to the self-styled Her Imperial Condescension, still unfortunately at large

mostly this fic is Jake growing into leadering a little more but also addressing the question of that inbuilt loyalty Jade gave this generation of trolls, because really, that was Sketch - and in general, who are we as people defined by who we follow, what groups we ally ourselves with; is it birth or genetics or who raised us or the family we choose or…

i kinda think Dirk and Roxy are conducting concurrent but generally not overlapping investigations to Jake&Jane’s(+the trolls) (dirk and roxy having pretty neatly answered all the above questions years ago by choosing each other, but still being kind of insular about it, and need to relax just enough to trust other people)

in the end there’s some confrontation with the Condesce and she convinces ½-2/3 the trolls to join her bc, honestly, why shouldn’t they

Jake English and the Castle in the Lake

in which…okay, in this one bit of fic I implied her base was in the ocean but I totally had this title written somewhere, so what is the truth??

in the above linked scene, the trolls who stayed with Jake and Jane were Karkat, Terezi, Kanaya, Gamzee, and Feferi, but idk about that. If Feferi’s there, why isn’t Sollux? And, like, Aradia would probably have just fucked off in her own direction completely, given the chance…

our heroes are trying to sneak into HIC’s base and disable it, okay. that is the plot of this one. probably they have to find it first, which is tricky, and basically a D&D dungeon crawl, and that’s before Jane gets tiara’d. Which definitely happens climactically. and then everyone else gets captured, with the possible exception of Dirk, who probably gets beheaded instead. things do not look good for our heroes…

Jake English and the Lost Hero

in which we find out exactly what happened in the previous generation

maybe even alternating chapters, past/present? 

what happened basically is that the first generation of trolls, the Ancestors, went absolutely batshit roughly as per homestuck canon. The Condesce, being OP, started just conquering land. She was stopped, eventually, mostly by the epic sacrifice of Rose and Dave. And John…except Rose and Dave’s bodies were found, and in a clusterfuck of inventions warping time and space and reality itself, John’s never was

Jade survived, of course. obviously.

John did, too, it is revealed. He was just disconnected from the time-space continuum, stuck popping up in random times and places, sometimes close to those he loved and sometimes not, mostly uncontrollable…

he’s appeared here and there throughout the stories, probably, a mysterious figure in blue who nearly has time to say something before dissolving into fizzing wind. Now he appears more frequently, and for longer periods as the story goes on, including just enough to help break Roxy and Jake out of prison. And whichever trolls were stubbornly sticking with them - if the Condesce wasn’t just mind-controlling all the reluctant ones…let’s be real, she was…lotta “I know you’re in there somewhere” fights here, probably

also, Vriska reveals herself to still be trying to help our heroes, because it is SO Vriska to try to double-cross Her fucking Imperious Condescension

this double-cross is revealed partly from her using Jake’s minioning safeword that he developed with Grandma Jade, way back when; meaning roughly “I don’t want to do this but I’m not sure I can stop”. It’s pumpkin, of course.

they revivify Dirk on the way out, and either stop in the Condesce’s lab to get sparkily distracted trying to pin John into reality or they make it back to Hellmurder Castle before doing that?

What am I saying. The Condesce is probably working on some spacetime-warping tech of her own, and Roxy, Dirk, and Jake use it to fully anchor John for the first time in…who knows, subjectively? It’s possible he stays behind to buy them time to run

Jake English and the Battle for the Green Sun

in which things come to a head

aka the Battle for Hellmurder Castle, and it’s mysterious and terrible power source

Jane and half or so of the trolls start out on the Condesce’s side, but if you thought there were good “I know you’re in there” fights before, just WAIT until Jake saves Jane with the power of friendship

ultimately, it’s alpha kids + Alternian trolls + dancestor-clanks VS Her Imperial Condescension

it’s close

it’s very close

I would have krilled for an H–EIR—ESS CHALLENGE X3 COMBO, ie, Jane, Feferi, and Meenah vs. the Condesce, so that happens

John maybe appears one last time-displaced time, for him before the events of Lost Hero, to deliver a well-timed hammer swing

I love Jake, but I’ll give Homestuck this one: Roxy getting the final blow with an ancestral Strider sword? Perfect.

in the denoument Jake awkwardly invites everyone to live in Hellmurder Castle, because he feels vaguely like he should stay and look after it, and of course he wants his chums around. Jane, Roxy, and Dirk are all like, “well, a real lab or seven would be amazing…but also…adventuring. Why don’t YOU come with US?” Jake is like, “oh JEEPERS yes!” The trolls and dancestors meanwhile talk out among themselves who genuinely wants to stay and who wants to go out adventuring, either with these idiots or just to make their own way

[aikainkauna]

More writing meme answers

Right, so the lovely @acitymadeofsong gave me these questions from this writers’ meme.

11: What’s your favourite book cover?

This is a really difficult one. So often, I like certain artists but then they just have the one thing (or maybe two things) that they do in a way that puts me off. Like how several Nouveau-esque artists (like Tom Canty), for some reasons, draw scratchy or ugly faces and I don’t know what’s up with that (and with Canty, the colours are often kind of faded, even if I like his style). Or how Mucha, whom I love otherwise, draws feathers with square ends, like every single feather on every wing he ever draws always been clipped off with fucking scissors! Anyone else weirded out by the square feathers? Anyway. I honestly can’t think of what my favourite cover is! I like various ones with old paintings on; I’m that cheap. And I will immediately remember the best answer for this the moment I post this, I’m sure. I’ll let you know if I can think of one.

18. How do you feel about love triangles?

I think that that’s one of those things where it depends a lot on how you handle it. My own solution to those, of course, is a threesome. :D Or some kind of polyamory arrangement at least–you’ll find no judgement towards Anaïs from me. Because I understand what it’s like to find out Mr. Right is a lie and that Guy 1 in your life only has qualities A and B that you love deeply, yet he lacks quality C–without which you’d wither and die–but that quality exists in Guy 2, and then there’s Guy 3 who’s the only one who knows how to fuck. And so on and so forth–I wonder if it is even possible for any “Renaissance person”/polymath/expansive kind of person to be happy with just one partner because they have so many aspects to them that it’s astronomically unlikely for them to find a match for all those qualities in another person. And that’s before we even bring different sexual orientations into the mix!

So it depends a lot on how the love triangle is handled, and the standard is something that… yeah, leaves a lot to be desired. If it presents toxic jealousy as normal and otherwise lives up to shitty relationship cliches (like women being bitches at each other and having to *compete* for a man, or it being a man’s “right” to feel batshit possessive of “his” woman), then it can go hang. Like with other human relationships, I’m always more interested in the ways in which people can navigate them and sort them out in a way that brings out their maximum potential, and maximum good and maximum pleasure for everyone, while genuinely respecting everyone involved. (High idealism! I know! But where would the world be without it?) It’s far easier to slam on the brakes and just exclude “the third wheel” completely than to work on those jealousies and work that third wheel into your life, but the latter *is* much more beneficial and rewarding and life-enriching. People in open relationships are the happiest, and that’s what I want to read and write about. Some characters, of course, are happiest when monogamous, and that’s cool (I can’t really see Zahra and Sonbol taking part in Jaffar’s orgies); but it’s intelligent polyamory that you don’t see enough of today, and I want to try and fill at least a part of that gap.

28. Which do you find hardest: the begining, the middle, or the end?

I tend to write in a very chaptered way these days, so each chapter is like a little story in itself. So I’m still struggling to weave the little stories/scenes together into a coherent whole, I guess. I’ll be the first to admit I am not that great at plot, and I don’t even aim for any huge surprises or Mofftiss level of “whoa, I didn’t see that coming” genius plot twistage. So I’d say the hardest thing for me is the whole weaving-everything-together thing, and I guess I struggle the most to bring to the reader the peak bits in the story–the bits where you really want a good pay-off, really want to reward the reader. My sex scenes tend to run the fuck on (this is a direct result of how my sexuality works–I think these up during long wanks, and just changing the position/toy can change the fantasy completely, so there are stupid amounts of stops and starts and changes to the “plot”). I know that that’s something I need to work on. But I also hate having to delete ANYTHING EVER, so if I’ve written it, it’s likely that it stays. So you just get this sort of… surplus, like I’m heaping the porn on and you get a bit of extra. But yeah, I guess it’s not so much about having a beginning, a middle and an end for me as much as it is glueing all these lovely images together. Just like with artwork, I’m fine with individual parts and am actually ace with detail, but getting them all to work together as a coherent whole? HAHAHAHA. Yeah. It’s a jumble, and I want you guys to know that I know that. Enjoy your porn fleamarket.

Thank you for the lovely questions! Still taking more, if you like. And if you send me some, I’ll be sure to give you questions in turn!

[drivingsideways]

Could you eleborate on your tags in this post? I really like your metas! If it's not too much trouble! /post/163702439009/do-you-think-flint-enjoys-violence

Hi anon! Well, I’m going to try and keep this short, but it’s about Flint. SO. :D 

I think @sidewaystime did a wonderful job of talking about how Flint’s relationship to violence is a complicated thing. What I was responding to was a post series Discourse that seems to be divided at the moment along whether Silver was ‘right’ to do what he did to stop the war or not. A lot of the argument for the “yes” side of that argument seems to rely on painting Flint as someone whose anger was entirely (a) born of reasons personal and (b) completely out of control. 

So let’s address (b) first. There are examples where Flint’s rage *is * out of control: Charlestown comes to mind, the Maria Aleyne, post Charlestown murders. In fact, post Charlestown and until the Maroon Island [i.e. until he resolves something within himself with the help of Dream-Miranda] is the closest I see him as being completely batshit insane with rage/sorrow/despair. But as I see it: at no point during this time is he unaware of the consequences of what he is feeling/ doing either to himself or other people. I bring this up because I think there’s a tendency to read Flint as unaware of his own True Motives. Some of this comes from the Miranda/Flint fight in 2.05  What she says (yells!), is that he hasn’t been “clear” about his goals TO OTHER PEOPLE. A corollary to that is that he hasn’t been open about what led him to this goal. And this is absolutely true. Flint discusses his grand plans with exactly two people before that- Gates and Eleanor, both of whom remain unaware of the tragedy that drove Flint to Nassau. Miranda is saying that without communication he is closing every door to achieving his goal except the one that leads to more violence. And this is where she says -paraphrased- [you are fighting for the sake of fighting, because that’s the only state you can function in]. And I think people have taken that and run with it as though it was an Eternal, Unchanging Truth about James. Although the very next thing that happens in the plot is that he listens to her and chooses a less violent path. 

And that’s the kind of thing I feel gets missed out: all the times he doesn’t choose a violent option even though it exists. Btw, that is a thing he has done from the first episode. Yes, he kills Singleton brutally, but hey, remember the literal first dialogue that we hear from him in the entire series is him putting a stop to his crew murdering someone? He listens to Eleanor, agrees to a dialogue with Vane in S2. He listens to Miranda about Ashe. Eleanor, again, in S4, in the middle of the freaking war, he allows himself to be taken hostage if it means there may be a chance to win the war without excessive bloodshed, even when that decision is hotly contested by his own people. 

This is not a man who is incapable of not choosing violence, it is a man who deploys violence strategically. This is a man capable of swallowing his pride and anger, if he sees a way to achieve his goal without violence. Is the Peaceful Way his first instinct? NO. But is he incapable of taking that path? NO. 

Here’s Flint in 3.10 telling his back story to Silver: 

Flint: Madness is such a hard thing to define, which makes it such an easy label to affix to one’s enemies. Once it had been applied to Thomas, once our relationship had been exposed, defiled, scandalized… everything ended. There were times that I was persuaded to sue for peace since then, but that was the day that on some level I knew… that England was broken… and that sooner or later a good man must resist it. [emphasis mine]

Ok, let’s back up a bit. Earlier in S3, Flint has a chance to end a war before it even starts, an offer he absolutely refuses.  Why does he? 

3.07, On the beach with Governor Rogers: 

Woodes Rogers: Lord Thomas Hamilton. I didn’t know him, but I understand you did. Miss Guthrie tells me you were part of the first effort with Lord Hamilton and Peter Ashe to introduce the pardon to Nassau. As with most things, the men first into the breach bear the heaviest casualties. But in the hindsight of victory, they were the ones whose sacrifice made it possible. Without Lord Hamilton’s efforts, your efforts, it’s likely I wouldn’t have been successful in my efforts to finally secure the pardon. All I have done here is finish what you began. I am now what you were then. And without you, there would be no me.

Flint: Clever.

Woodes Rogers:  Thank you.

Flint: So that’s what this is. We’re all reasonable men, we all want the same thing. You offer me a pardon, I accept it, this all ends? 

Woodes Rogers: Maybe. The pardons are on the table. No one is being hanged. No one’s even being tried. They’ve all been forgiven, just as you wanted. Just as Thomas Hamilton wanted. So what is it that you’re fighting for that I’m not already offering?

Flint: Thomas Hamilton fought to introduce the pardons to make a point. To seek to change England. And he was killed for it. His wife and I went to Charles Town to argue for the pardons, to make peace with England, and she was killed for it.England has shown herself to me. Gnarled and gray… and spiteful of anyone who would find happiness under her rule. [emphasis mine]

So here we go: Flint listens to Woodes Rogers’ proposal- which sounds exactly like what they were working toward just a few months ago?? But this time he refuses it. Because he sees right through it, and he recognizes that there is no possibility of reconciliation that does not include absolute surrender to England’s [”civilization’s”] Rules. The Rules that include continued slavery. That include men like him being condemned and ostracized. Woodes Rogers’ proposal sounds exactly like Thomas Hamilton’s- except that the intent was completely different- Thomas wanted to change the status quo and Rogers intends to preserve it. 

And you know what? He’s fucking right. Because literally the next fucking thing that happens when Flint refuses, is that Woodes Rogers ceases being “reasonable” and  ALSO tries the oldest trick in the book: gaslighting. 

Woodes Rogers: “ Then let us be very clear about something. I am reasonable in seeking peace. But if you insist upon making me your villain, I’ll play the part. So let us assume that, as of this moment, the unqualified pardon is no more. From this moment on, any man participating in the act of high seas piracy will be presumed to be one of your men, an enemy of the state. I will hunt him, I will catch him, and I will hang him. And while I am aware of your feelings on the subject, I am no backwater magistrate cowering in fear of you. You know where to find me. [emphasis mine]

Right: because somehow demanding freedom from slavery is “making [you] a villain”. 

What I mean to say in the above is that: Flint’s refusal to arrive at a compromise with England is not because he’s “out of control”, it’s because he is clear sighted about how systems of power work. He’s cut through all the bs that is “civilization” as per a colonial power and has found it to be rotten to the core. And that is what he pitches to the Maroon Queen: the absolute truth, not just about England (which she knows already) but also about the consequences. There is no certainty about anything- but trying is better than not. 

And now coming back to (a) which is that Flint’s anger is entirely personal. To which my answer is: of course it is. There are people who can devote themselves to larger causes and fight oppressions that they do not themselves experience personally, and I think those kind of people have amazing empathy, and may we all be more like them.

 But the sad truth is a large number of us do not wake up to systemic injustice until we experience it personally. And then what? Are we supposed to sit on our hands and say, ok, this anger of mine is really selfish because it has its beginnings in something awful that happened to me, and now that i recognize it doesn’t just happen to me, it happens to a whole lot of people both like and unlike me, but I’m not going to do anything about it-because maybe I’m playing out my own issues? 

But (i hear you say), this isn’t just about filing a petition on change.org, it’s literally starting a war. 

Ok, first off: I’ve said it before- the war is already on. Slavery is an act of war. Imprisonment of  “sexual deviants” is an act of war by the State on the individual (and larger queer community). Flint and Madi were attempting to change the terms of it. And secondly, let’s give rest to the idea that it was Flint alone who wanted a war. 

Mr.Scott to Madi: 

Mr.Scott: “ I wish you and I had not been so separate all those years.I wish I could have found a way to be a better father to you. But over time, I was determined to leave you something behind, to give you the one thing that no one could ever take away and that would make you strong enough to understand their world, interact with their world, wage war on their world. But if their identity lies in their stories, I wanted you to know them so that when we are ready to call them enemies, you would be ready for it.”  [emphasis mine]

This is an absolute recognition of what I was saying before: the war was ongoing. Mr.Scott and the Maroon Queen have spent a lifetime to prepare Madi to respond to the war on their people. In Flint, the Maroons had finally found an ally that could actually help them get somewhere. 

And as for Flint, the discovery of the Maroon Island led to another realization: and that was he no longer has to wage war alone. That there is solidarity to be had.  And that came at the end of the period where he was at his most self-destructively lonely. And having found himself on relatively stable ground again, he’s able to both articulate the effect and the use of rage/hatred. 

Here’s a conversation with Silver, in 3.09 about the punishment meted to Dobbs (over attacking one of the Maroon Crew)

Flint: That’s not why you did it.

Silver: Really? Would you like to tell me why I did it, then? 

Flint: Well, I wasn’t there, but, um, I’d hazard the guess that you learned of what had happened, told him how fucking stupid he was, and in that moment, he gave you a look that amounted to something less than contrite. And in that moment, you felt it. 

Silver: Felt what? 

Flint: Darkness. Hate. Showing indifference to the authority that you sacrificed so much to acquire, disdain for refusing to acknowledge that his actions, had you not intervened, would have led to an outcome that he would have held you responsible for reversing. Pride. Questioning what kind of man you are if you don’t seek retribution for the offense.

Silver:  So what are you saying? You saying I went too far with him?

Flint:  Maybe you went too far. Maybe you didn’t go far enough. Maybe you did it just right. The point is that while you were doing it, you heard a voice telling you that disciplining him would prevent him from repeating the offense, a voice that sounded like reason, and there was reason to it, as the most compelling lies are comprised almost entirely of the truth. But that’s what it does. Cloaks itself in whatever it must to move you to action. And the more you deny its presence, the more powerful it gets, and the more likely it is to consume you entirely without you ever even knowing it was there. Now, if you and I are to lead these men together, you must learn to know its presence well so that you may use it… Rather than it use you.  [emphasis mine]

Silver: You have some experience with this, I imagine, living in fear of such a thing within you? 

Flint: Yeah, I do.

Silver:  I can’t tell if this was a warning or a welcome.

To repeat: this is not a man who is wandering around in blind, selfish rage that’s indiscriminately targeted and can only be quenched by blood. This is a man who’s been through hell and come out on the other side, and then says “I cannot believe we’re as poorly made as that”. Which makes me want to burst into tears, even as I type this. 

 OK WOW. I NEED TO STOP. I’m not sure if this is what you wanted to hear, anon. :) 

[chusset]

Leon’s Plight (Or, “Klaus and ELoise’s House Is Fucking Exhausting”)

I literally couldn’t come up with a decent title so here’s this. Part 2 baby and I’m reaching for 3 because I’m loving this plot of Leon realizing that batshit crazy Jo is the most normal part of his life. @carolionel

--------------------------

Leon thought he could have a pretty decent time staying with Klaus and Eloise for a while. They insisted that the guest room was his as long as he needed it, and that they didn't want any sort of payment, though Leon intended to figure out some way to do that without them knowing. But by day three of being apart from Jo, he didn't know how well he could handle 'a while'.

For one thing, the guest room was directly beneath the master bedroom. The first night staying over, Leon was reminded of being in 2-Fort and frequently being disturbed at night by Klaus's sneezing. Leon gripped at his hair in frustration after the third time of waking up. "Jesus Christ, how did I never smother him with a pillow?” he asked himself aloud, wondering how Eloise wasn’t an exhausted, cranky mess every day.

The next night, he moved to the couch in the basement, which was done up nicely as a den. Leon insisted to Klaus and Eloise that he just wasn't terribly comfortable in the guest room, so he wouldn't offend Klaus with the real reasons (He didn't care too much if he did offend, but he had seen Eloise go absolutely apeshit over someone hurting Klaus's feelings, and he wasn't interested in his name being added to the list of those who had suffered at her hand). Unfortunately, the basement was directly beneath Klaus's office, which was apparently one of their favorite love-making spots. After hearing Eloise's desperate gasps of her husband's name each time the pictures on the walls shook, Leon couldn't help but feel like he didn't know these two quite as well as he thought he did. He hadn't expected this out of Eloise and Klaus. Eloise, so prim and proper and soft, and Klaus, so nervous and self-conscious. Of course, they were adults we were sexually attracted to one another, and sex was a basic human urge. Maybe he always pictures them in a meek missionary position with the lights off. God, why was he imagining them in any position?

He did miss sex, though. He missed holding Jolene afterward even more. 

Another thing was that Klaus and Eloise's home was a bit more open than Leon was used to. He nearly had a heart attack when he went into the kitchen early the next morning to find Spencer comfortably having a bowl of cereal at the breakfast bar.

"Hey! 'Sup, Sasquatch?" the ex-Scout asked casually around a spoonful of Fruit Loops.

"You--! Mein Gott! What the hell are you doing here!?"

"Having breakfast. B forgot to get milk again."

"Again? How often does this happen?"

"Meh....once, twice a week?" Spencer shrugged before swallowing quickly and grinning when Eloise came into the kitchen with baby Leon on her hip. "Hey, little Rozzy!" 

Little Leon, who had previously been sleepily resting against Eloise's shoulder, immediately brightened and grinned at Spencer. "Ayyyy!" he cooed in the closest thing to 'hi' that he could manage. 

"Oh, good morning, Spencer!" Eloise smiled, about to set her son in his high chair before Spencer held his arms out. She chuckled and handed the baby to him. "Would you like some waffles with that? I was just getting ready to whip some up for Klaus before he goes to work."

"Ah, hey, that'd be great! Thanks much!" Spencer beamed, giving the baby's cheek an affectionate pinch as he held him. "Are you gonna have waffles, too? Are ya?" he hummed, and the baby reacted with another delighted squeal. 

"Do people frequently just...waltz in whenever?" Leon couldn't help but ask Eloise while Spencer was busy with the baby. 

"Oh, all the time!" Eloise smiled, clearly delighted with having her friends around whenever. 

Leon couldn't help a depressed sigh as he went back down the hall, thinking of how Jolene would probably punch somebody's teeth out if they went into their home unannounced. He missed her terribly. 

That third night, Leon opted out of the guest room and the basement, and instead lay on the cozy loveseat in the nursery. Little Leon snuggled against his chest, sleeping comfortably with a blanket tucked around him. The doctor had tried sleeping on the love seat while the baby stayed in his crib, but the latter wasn't very happy with someone being nearby and NOT holding him, so Leon eventually just scooped him up. Leon himself was nearly asleep when he felt a presence, and he opened his eyes a crack to see Klaus standing in the doorway.

"Oh! Sorry...." Klaus said softly. "Eloise and I can usually hear the baby breathing on the monitor..." he said, looking to the small device situated on the side of the crib. "I-I got a little worried...."

"It's fine.....he's comfortable like this...." Leon said, gingerly rubbing the baby's back. "He's very easy to please...."

Klaus smiled softly and nodded, about to go back to his bedroom before coming to sit at the edge of the loveseat. He was quiet a moment before asking, "You don't like staying here, do you?"

Leon looked down to Little Leon when he stirred slightly. "It's not that I don't like staying here, Klaus, I just..."

"You miss your own home, of course...."

"And Jo," Leon sighed. 

Klaus nodded before looking to Leon. "Maybe it's not my place to say, but....Maybe you should talk with Sebastian." When Leon only glared at him, he fumbled over his words to continue. "Er--well--I know you two aren't fond of each other...But Jo has known him for years and trusts him...And he only wants her happiness..." Leon snorted and rolled his eyes. "He wants her to want him. That's why he only comes around when his allergies are giving him grief..." "To be fair, the man seems to be allergic to most things, so I doubt there are many times when he isn't suffering in some way or another..." Klaus shrugged. "I-It's something to think about...I would suggest asking Phineas to intervene, but Dahlia is still recovering from that rough birth of hers a few months ago...I doubt this is the sort of thing they'd want to deal with at the moment....What about Lionel?"

Again, Leon rolled his eyes. "What's Lionel going to do? Cry? Hide behind his Pyro girlfriend?"

Klaus was prepared to argue before nodding. "Ah, true....Well, with Phineas and Lionel out, I think Sebastian is the only real solution you have....Unless Jolene decides she wants to see you again. Which doesn't seem very likely at this point. It's hard to tell how she's feeling...."

At this last word, Leon straightened up. "Feeling! Eloise---"

"Please, please don't ask that of Elly..." Klaus winced. "She hates to tap into people's emotions without permission..."

"Then she can get Jolene's permission!"

"Shhh, you'll wake Leon..." Klaus shushed him softly, though the baby remained sleeping soundly.

Leon shook his head and sighed. "Look, Klaus, I know it's hard for her. But I think it's harder for her to know how much pain Jo is in...."

Klaus considered this a moment before biting his lip. "...I'll talk to her. But you know she'll say yes just because she loves you so dearly...."

Leon briefly felt a touch of heartburn, before realizing it was the warmth of knowing she cared for him so much. "And I'll tell her how dearly I love her, too," he said softly, hoping Klaus knew how desperate he was for this. "You know I never even consider uttering something like that...."

Klaus sighed and reached to place a hand on his son's back. "Like I said....I'll talk to her...."

---------------------------

"So?" Leon couldn't help but practically pounce on Eloise the next morning when she came back through the door. "How is she feeling?"

Eloise sighed and ran a hand through her wavy dark hair. "She feels like she never wants to see you again."

"I know, she already told me that..."

"No, you don't understand," Eloise said in a serious manner that was a little unsettling. "People can say whatever they like. You could look me in the eye right now and tell me that you were excited to do something, but if you really were dreading it, I would feel it. I felt the hate in her heart, Leon. Well, I did before she threw a test tube at me and screamed for me to leave. Her emotions are on a rampage and she's losing her mind. Not to suggest that it was all there before...."

Leon swallowed a fierce lump at her description of Jolene's damaged heart. He groaned and rubbed his temples. "I....I suppose I have no choice but to go to Sebastian...."

"Oh!" Eloise beamed, all smiles once again. "I just love Sebastian! Let me get my coat, and I'll go with you!" ------ He shouldn't have brought Eloise.

"Did you bring me my ex-daughter-in-law so she could ensure that I don't mercilessly tear you limb from limb for what you said to Jolene?" Sebastian hummed pleasantly to Leon, pouring Eloise a hot cup of tea.

Leon desperately wanted to snatch this pompous ass by the collar, but he knew that would only earn him further anger from Jolene. Eloise smiled kindly to Sebastian, and Leon couldn't help but feel a pang of resentment that she didn't defend him right away. He could instantly tell that she felt this negativity, and she gave him a calm expression that read, Just wait. "Sebastian, you're an absolute gem. I was wondering, and you're more than welcome to say no, but...." Out of nowhere, her smile faded. Eloise's plump bottom lip trembled, and she sobbed weakly into her hands. 

Sebastian's polite expression faltered, and his brow knit worriedly. "Eloise? Dear, are you quite alright?"

Leon remained quiet, only able to blink in surprise at her sudden change.

"It's-- I'm so sorry, Sebastian, but...This has taken such a heavy toll on me..." she breathed, taking a handkerchief to dab at her eyes. "I feel everything Jolene is so heavily, and....she's so miserable...I've tried everything to get her to open up...But I think the only thing that could possibly help her is reconciling with Leon...."

Sebastian frowned as he looked to the other German gentleman. "Why would that assist her, my dear? All he's done is break her heart."

"He IS her heart, Sebastian," Eloise said softly, sniffling as another round of tears streamed down her cheeks. "She loves him with every inch of her being...we just have to get her shell to crack so she can remember that..."

Sebastian rubbed under his chin as he considered this. He looked between Eloise and Leon before sighing deeply. "...Fine," he said to Leon. "I'll help you."

Out of the corner of his eye, Leon caught a brief glimpse of Eloise's calm, victorious smile. Her acting abilities were honestly a little frightening. He wondered if she whipped out those tears and trembling lip to get what she wanted from Klaus. But then, Klaus would probably run naked in public if it was what Eloise wanted from him.

"D-Danke..." Leon said to Sebastian, and showing that appreciation towards this bastard felt like it drained a decent five years off of Leon's lifespan. "Whatever you'd like as payment, it's yours...."

Sebastian smiled kindly once more. "Oh, don't worry about that. I'll have a lovely time with this as well."

"O-Oh...you will?"

"Of course! I'll get to stab you, so that alone will provide a nice afternoon."

Leon bristled, thinking he surely had to be joking. But Eloise smiled encouragingly, as if the promise of being stabbed was somehow absolutely ideal. "Trust him. Everything will be just fine, Leon!" she promised with a confident nod. 

Or, maybe she was just acting again.

[its-just-like-the-movies]

A Cure For Wellness (2017) B-/C+

At eight films into the year, who’s to say if Gore Verbiski’s A Cure For Wellness will still be the strangest film I’ve seen from 2017? Get Out, Raw, and American Fable have rolled on by, with Personal Shopper waiting right around the immediate corner, in all of their own distinct flavors of horrifying, strange, and discomfiting, and that’s nothing to say of films like The Beguiled off in the distance. But with a budget at least nine times higher than Shopper’s and eight times higher than Get Out’s (Fable and The Beguiled don’t have a reported budget, as far as I can tell), Wellness’s weirdness has been its primary selling point, both within itself and as a child of the studio system with tens of millions and a name-brand director of popular money-makers behind it. Its reputation for being absolutely batshit has superseded most conversation about it, even acknowledging lapses in plot, theme, length, and characterization. And Wellness lapses in all of these areas, regularly. The obviousness of where it will go is so heavily thudded in its first half that it keeps working against itself in moments that should be wonderfully odd. But once everything officially goes to shit for our hero, and the film finally stops pretending to hide what it’s doing and starts luxuriating in its own insanity, all that foreshadowing is recuperated in the service of executing these story beats in even stranger ways than I could have possibly expected.

Let’s start from the beginning, or maybe the prologue, where an initially nameless CEO dies of a heart attack working late in his company’s office space. The dead man’s body bathed in the light of - and dwarfed by - a seemingly infinite number of desktop computers is both the first in a multitude of striking imagery and a red herring, implying the film will have a long-reaching thesis about how American business-people are literally working themselves to death. From there we see the ascension of corporate cog Lockhart, only to be sent to off a mysterious resort in Sweden by the partners of his corporation, blackmailing him to retrieve their missing partner so that they can bring him home and lock him up as a patsy for their own shady dealings. The casting of Dane DeHaan, already so gaunt, is enough to reinforce the idea of death by overworking as Lockhart heads off on his assignment, seemingly peeved at the tremendous effort he’s undertaking simply to go and pick up this rogue suit. Not until he lands in the limousine taking him to that gothic wellness center do we see or hear anything of real value to the plot, establishing not just the truly bizarre story of how the hospital came to be but the contentious relationship between the hospital and the village leading up to it, rooted in said bizarre goings-on. This only really matters for a single detour into town, though, as Lockhart spends the rest of the film trapped in the wellness center as a patient and a test subject.

I do hope that calling him a test subject isn’t considered a spoiler, but it’s hard to call that overarching narrative all that shocking. From the moment we arrive the wellness center has a sterile, menacing aura that’s only enhanced once we get inside the institution and meet director Dr. Volmer and his ward Hannah, played respectively by a slimy Jason Isaacs and young Mia Goth, looking like Shelley DuVall as a Tim Burton ingenue. Like a lot in Wellness, the exact nature of their relationship is one you’ll likely realize long before you’re told about it; the first eighty minutes of the film are torn between trying to maintain some impression the hospice is normal enough and DeHaan is just imaging things or either going full bore up its own ass. And since the entire plot is built on how goddamn bizarre everything actually is, there’s not much going on for the first half outside of the few moments Verbinski goes “fuck it” and lets everything happen all at once. I spent those eighty minutes longing for the sheer, sporadic insanity of moments like the deer limping its shattered body off the road and away from the car wreck, the missing CEO slinking into a pool and spending too much time getting his head wet, Lockhart’s first treatment in the tank that may or may not have been infested with dozens of eels. A trip into town wherein Lockhart takes Hannah with him as he tries to establish contact with his employers is perhaps the first scene that manages to genuinely build its own kind of tension as we watch Hannah float around the bar, orbited by intrigued and skeevy punks, unaware of the dangers these kids are to her as she wanders into the bathroom and steals an abandoned tube of lipstick before dancing to the jukebox with the other kids. Meanwhile, Lockhart meets a farmer who becomes the thirty-eighth person to dish out something about the legend of the mad baron who opened the institution before comparing Lockhart to an injured cow the farmer has to slaughter.

From here we have about two more labyrinthine explorations, each more unraveled than the last one, before Lockhart confronts Dr. Volmer at a dinner table sequence that finally lays bare what he’s doing to the patients bare- involving even more eels and the suspiciously ineffective water that isn’t stopping teeth from popping out due to dehydration. And once we learn this, A Cure for Wellness at last stops trying to resist its strangest impulses and doesn’t just jump full bore up its own ass, but starts actually driving forward in the narrative after spending so much time trying to obfuscate its mysteries. Scenes start landing punches, stakes really matter, and the reveals land with such potency that it doesn’t even matter you already figured out this mad tale of incest and genetic experimentation over an hour ago. The real surprises in the institution are not the horrific farming of its patients, but the sheer gusto and fright with which these moments are finally visualized instead of whispered at us by a doomed woman cutting up newspaper scraps (Celia Imre, not given enough screen time to contribute her own brand of spookiness).

But what’s most striking is how assured and confidently the film reveals its layers of madness and human experimentation once it gets there. Never have I seen a man rip off what’s left of his face with such vigor, or the burning of a ballroom be shot with the same sweeping gorgeousness, if not more, as it had been when it was a party celebrating a truly awful success. Its set pieces had always been effective and well-shot, but the vigor in those moments has spread to the rest of the film, now that it’s given itself over to its own strangeness. The ending is, if anything, bigger than I had expected in its rampaging through the institution and its characters as Dr. Volmer sets his final plans in motion, and as Lockhart raced to find him I genuinely wondered how on earth he could pull this off. Wellness’ weirdness is not just potent but utterly grandiose, going full-scale melodrama in its last half hour in order to fulfill a story with fewer layers to it than Raw or Get Out, in realizing a plot it was too happy to telegraph from its earliest moments, and I’ll be damned if the sheer spectacle didn’t bowl me over better than any “event” blockbuster I’ve grumbled my way to a ticket for with my boyfriend.

Looking it up, I can’t say I’m shocked about the critical mixed reception, perhaps even the poor returns financially, but I wish things had gone a little better for this odd little fucker. If you’re hoping for more out of a film than strangeness, perhaps check out the talents of Eve Stewart, shuttled off from the greater horror of Tom Hooper’s sets, striking a fine balance in her realization of the institution that can flip from perfectly normal, uncomfortably sterile, and truly haunted, and that’s before we even get to the underground lair or some crazy aboveground shit. Bojan Bazelli’s cinematography, operating within the spa’s blues, the cast’s whites, and whatever flourished of color are called upon amongst all this pale, does similarly skilled work realizing set pieces like Hannah wading through a pool or the ballroom escapades horrific to watch and visually stunning. Bazelli and the makeup department must get credit for accenting DeHaan’s sickliest features, and making Goth look so much like she’d never touched sunlight, like every Victorian heroine meant to symbolize The Hopes And Dreams Of The Oppressed or something like that. I can’t say you’ve really missed much if you missed this film while it was in its theatrical run, but I know seeing that crazy shit on the big screen was enough of an amplifier to keep it in my head for a while. Then again, maybe it’ll feel even more at home on the Syfy channel when it isn’t showing one of its delicious, homemade fish-beast movies. If it’s ever there, I encourage you to give it a shot, even if you hop in an hour late. You probably haven’t missed the good stuff, you can easily catch up, and it’s better than you’d give it credit for just by looking at it. 

[gotermina]

Shadow Reviews: Super Mario Bros.

ShadowSect here, and it’s time for the first game review to fill my nostalgia shoes.

Super Mario Bros. for NES

Hit the jump for the spoiler-free review by me, ShadowSect!

Plot Summary: Assuming you’ve been living under a rock, the premise is that Bowser, the “King of the Koopas”, has conquered the Mushroom Kingdom while holding Princess Peach captive. In the meantime, he’s had all of the Toads turned into bricks and… Shrubbery…. Is this Super Mario Bros.? …… It’s not just a damsel in distress story?

Well, it is. The princess is the only one who can revert the black magic that the King Koopa is using, but that’s the main reason why Bowser has Peach captive, among other things. Mario, a brave plumber straight out of 5th Avenue, storms several castles looking for her. Unfortunately for Mario, Bowser has several body doubles and no way to tell who’s the real one (minus using FIRE), so it’s a challenge Mario must take one step at a time… By jumping on enemies and destroying the Toads.

Methodology: 100% completion of the game, which means every level run on Regular, and every level run on New Game+ i.e. Hard Mode. No cheats. Save states were used at the beginnings of levels (and in the middle of levels on Hard Mode). No guide was used.

Estimated Play Time: Main + Extras took me about an hour. 100% completion took me two hours.

Review:

If you know Mario, you probably know that plot isn’t an essential part of the game. It’s mostly the means to an end, and nothing else. That said, it’s nice to know this brief hidden backstory deep in the manuals of the NES, unwilling to share it’s secrets with those on the Virtual Console. The plot itself isn’t entirely original, although it’s a bit macabre to hear those blocks you’re destroying to get precious items used to be people, and you’re basically slaughtering millions, destroying them for the precious coins. To the many people who played this game, you monsters: yes, I am a monster too. I’m critiquing old NES games.

Despite how long it has been since this game’s release, the visuals haven’t aged well, but it looks like Super Mario Bros., if that means anything. Mario is as lively as ever, with the red overalls and cap we recognize today. The background is still crisp, with bushes, clouds, and blocks being instantly recognizable. The Fire Flower and Star stick out, and fireballs pop out in the environment. The sprites and enemies are noticeable and iconic, with the infamous Goomba and Koopa Troopa looking like what they should look like. There are graphical hiccups however. Sprite flickering can be seen in the later levels, mainly castles when there are too many things on screen, but this doesn’t show up often. The pasty, photo-negative background changes you’ll see occasionally for later levels, however, aren’t winning brownie points.

The soundtrack of Super Mario Bros is still as lively as ever. The traditional Level 1 music is still iconic today as the main theme of Super Mario Bros, and it’ll be remembered until the end of time. Koji Kondo’s work is pure art, and it’s so damn catchy too, even after hearing it a thousand times, to the point where every Mario game has made a remix of it to some degree. The underground theme, while minimalist, is also very iconic, and the underwater theme isn’t so bad either. It doesn’t get repetitive, since you don’t hear it nearly often enough for it to do so. The sound effects are also nice, from the breaking of bricks to bopping enemies in midair.

The meat of the game? It’s a basic side-scroller platformer. Mario starts tiny and moves across a linear landscape, using A to jump and holding B to run, and he can jump over blocks and pipes to get to his destination. Mario can also destroy blocks by jumping underneath them, and Question ? blocks leave prizes, which 90% of the time are coins, but it could also be a mushroom to make the tiny Mario bigger, or a Fire Flower to grant him the power of being a pyromaniac, shooting fire from his hands to hurt enemies (except for the dumb Buzzy Beetles). There’s also the lovely Starman, which gives you an invulnerability to enemies for about 10 seconds.

You start the game with three lives, the number of which can be increased with 1-Ups (another item from ? Blocks) or collecting 100 coins, which are spread out through the level. Lose all your lives, and it’s game over, and you have to start from the very beginning! Or, you can hold A and press start to restart in the world you just died in. It only takes one hit to kill you, although the Fire Flower and Mushroom grant you breathing room, granting you an extra hit before you die (though the first hit will make you small Mario again).

At the end of each level is a flagpole, which serves as the end of the level. The journey to get there, however, isn’t easy, since Bowser has spread out his minions all across the map to make your journey that much harder. There are 8 worlds to journey through, and each world has 4 levels. There are, of course, variations to each level. Some levels take place atop sky mushrooms, where everything is tight knit on firm jumping across land masses. A few levels even take place underwater, where you must dodge fish and avoid getting sucked into low vortices. There’s also underground levels, with a claustrophobic level design brought about with a dark background and some machinations like moving platforms or a crapton of bricks. Finally, we have the castle levels, the last levels of each world, where Bowser isn’t pulling any punches. There’s a lot of fire, with fireballs coming from the bottom of the screen, lava to jump over, fire bars around blocks to make your journey short, and of course, Bowser at the end of each.

Level design is the name of the game in Super Mario Bros, and it’s stellar. The first level itself is still a model for many platformers today, introducing the game’s mechanics without having a tutorial, serving to show the player how to handle tougher obstacles by first forcing him to deal with the easy versions. There’s also bonus rooms under the surface in pipes, where you can get a ton of free coins. Added to that are secret warp places which only the most clever of players find. Add all this and you have a great formula for level design, that when combined with creativity, you have tons of high quality levels you can play at your whimsy. Unfortunately, the dev team’s creativity eventually ran out and several levels ended up being reused with harder elements introduced in later worlds. The Castle levels are also guilty of unforgiving design, with no room to breathe in between gauntlets. You’ll occasionally find batshit insane enemy placement as well, which can give you nightmares.

The controls for the NES are pretty smooth, considering how basic the controller is. Using the B button to run and the A button to jump will become natural pretty quickly, and the D-pad has no issues at all in responsiveness, as Mario turns quite quickly. That said, the usage of the A button leaves something to be desired. Sometimes I swear it won’t let you jump, as if you have to press the A button as hard as humanly possible. And this happens often enough that it’s a problem. In addition, when Mario picks up enough speed with B, he gets a lot of momentum, making it hard to slow down, turn around, or even causing problems with jumping, as if that didn’t have enough problems already. This is mitigated in future Mario games, but it’s a problem here. I find myself dying quite often, not because of poor judgment calls, but because I’ll often go way farther than I mean after a jump and I can’t slow down no matter how hard I try. Occasionally it won’t even let you jump as you leave a platform, causing you to fall to your death.

Enemies come in all shapes and sizes, and most of the enemies in this game make their iconic appearance in style. We have the standard mooks, such as the Goomba and Koopa Troopa, but what you’ll really see the most are the Piranha Plants, coming out of the pipes in the ground to snap at your feet. We also have the Goomba replacement Buzzy Beetle (which is stupidly enough, invulnerable to fire), and the winged variant of the Koopa Troopa, the Koopa Paratroopa. Each of the enemies adds more flavor to the game, although there are some rather unfair ones: the Blooper, a squid that pursues Mario underwater, and the Hammer Bro, a helmeted Koopa that throws an endless supply of hammers come to mind. The Blooper can only take damage from the Fire Flower, and the Hammer Bro is almost impossible to jump on because the hammers get in the way all the time. The Hammer Bro right before the last boss is especially unforgiving. There’s also the infernal Lakitus that throw Spinies at you from up above, chasing you until the end of the stage.

The bosses are of short supply, well…. It’s really just one. At the end of each world, there is Bowser, the Koopa King, but the first seven are actually decoys, with the last being the true one. They’re all very similar, but they have small variations. For the first five worlds, each just shoots fire, while for the rest each copy also throws hammers. Each is on a bridge that may or may not have boxes above, and there is always an axe at the back that should you touch, destroys the bridge, throwing Bowser or his copy into lava. Bowser and his copies also occasionally jump, leaving room to run below them in order to touch the axe quickly. Bowser is also vulnerable to his own weapon, so a Fire Flower will make short work of him. It makes for a remarkably repetitive but not altogether boring boss. It’s a cakewalk if you have the Fire Flower, but without it, is an entirely different story. That said, could’ve used some more variety in the boss category.

There isn’t a lot of content in the game. There are of course the earlier mentioned bonus rooms under the surface, but other than that, the only feature besides the regular playthrough is Hard Mode, where all the Goombas are replaced with Buzzy Beetles (to infuriate you even further), some stages are replaced with harder counterparts, and enemies move faster. Other than that, there’s basically nothing else.

The difficulty is Nintendo Hard. One-ups are uncommon unless you exploit a one-up technique, utilizing a Koopa Troopa and stairs to your advantage, but otherwise there are only eight 1-ups in the entire game, and coins are very uncommon, strangely enough. No save feature can also be bad assuming you’re not playing on VC, and then there’s the fact that you start at the beginning of the world you died last in. Add that to problematic momentum, not the most responsive of jump buttons, Hammer Bros that throw hammers at an absurd rate that makes it almost impossible to jump on them, and finally, punishing castle levels, and you have an infuriating Mario adventure. Of course, I could just suck at Mario Bros, but I don’t ever remember dying so often in Super Mario Galaxy, and I never really feel it’s my fault when I die here. The difficulty isn’t a linear curve either, if anything it’s rather schizophrenic. This is especially apparent in World 6 and World 7, where short, easy levels are surrounded by harder ones.

Replayability value is relatively small but rather fun. Hard Mode is an extra feature to add another hour to your playtime, if you feel ballsy enough (or if you can stomach the unfair enemies), and warps do add different playthroughs, as you can go from World 1 to World 4 to World 8, skipping 5 of the worlds completely. It’s not a lot, but it’s something.

Definitely enjoyed a normal run of this game. I died many a time, but this game still had me going. I never thought to rage quit despite my 100+ deaths, although Hard Mode certainly isn’t worth it. The unfair difficulty spikes, the fight with the A button, and the Mario momentum is frustrating, but it’s Super Mario Bros. It’s still a platformer to enjoy today, and it still has a lot of great level design and good gameplay that hasn’t aged as much as it probably could’ve. Not one of the best platformers out there, but it’s not just a piece of history.

That being said, I’d give this game an 8 out of 10.

Recommended Most For:

People who own a NES

Mario fans

People who enjoy platformers

People who want a taste of Mario history

So, what do you think? Too soft? Too harsh? Let me know in the comments.

If there’s anything I missed, or something you’d like to say about the review, let me know.

Also, if you’d like, give your own take on the game. Do you own this game? Have you played/finished it? Any memories you’d like to share?

See you next time!

—–ShadowSect

Credit: ShadowSect wrote first draft. Thanks to SGG for spell-checking, making sure this review didn’t look too much like an essay, fixing many grammatical errors, and for insulting my cliche style of writing.