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headspace-hotel · 2 years ago

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facts about The Fear, after 20 years of life with her

The Fear is NOT:

an intruder, invader, or some other entity from "outside" You

inappropriate, wrong, or incorrect

a responsibility

a punishment

"irrational" or otherwise able to be understood through a relationship to "rationality"

an "inaccurate" representation of reality

The Fear IS:

an innate part of you

extra-rational—she exists outside and completely independent from "rationality" and does not respond to being judged according to that lens

self-love—her purpose is to protect you and keep you safe

self-sufficient—fear is a 100% whole, complete entity that doesn't "represent" or "reflect" something else

earnest—fear is always a 100% real experience that is exactly as it is felt, and, needing no comparison or reference to any external reality, it is not "dishonest" or "inaccurate"— it asserts a claim about only itself

subversive [not quite the word I am looking for but it will have to do]— is not necessarily beholden to social and cultural norms of what should be feared, how much, and how you should respond. She does not stop existing in the absence or suppression of vocabulary to describe her.

a demand for care— she does not just communicate to you but to the community you are part of; she calls attention to an obligation that this community has toward you, to make sure that you are safe within it and that your experiences are heard and understood.

yeah, so, i've had severe anxiety for my whole life and the way it's been treated and dealt with, and the way I've been taught to understand it, has really fucked me up so I am trying to lay the groundwork for understanding it differently

I think it's pretty fucked up that we're taught to see anxiety as deceptive or inaccurate. Now, obviously the images or projections in my fearful thoughts do not usually "reflect reality," but I have come to see this as...not particularly important?

Teaching an anxiety sufferer to restructure their thoughts to dismiss and contradict "irrational" fear is, in my opinion, the same as teaching a chronic pain sufferer to restructure their thoughts to dismiss and contradict pain with no clear physical source. You might as well speak of "irrational" pain, and pain has the same relationship to rationality that fear has.

"Irrationality" is a quality assigned to fear that is judged by an outside observer, or by the collective cultural biases and hang-ups of a society, as not appropriate to a given situation. This is total fucking nonsense and we should be talking about that, because...well, the first reason is that it implies some kind of fixed standard for what fear ultimately is and isn't for. i like to tell people to watch one of those Coyote Peterson videos where he's going to get a tarantula hawk wasp to sting him, because he's obviously having a strong physical fear response, even though he knows it won't kill him. Is it "rational" to fear suffering and not just death? How much suffering? Sit with that one a little while.

The second reason, which is even more convincing, is that the "rational" brain is not consulted at any point, ever, when a person feels afraid. It's just a response. The fear response is not routed through the conscious, sapient, reasoning brain. And thank God, because if we needed to hear back from an upstairs executive before we could decide whether to run from a lion, our species would be extinct.

Techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy were absolute fucking shit at making my life any better, but fantastic at wrecking my ability to identify my own emotions, because Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for anxiety basically amounts to trying to brainwash yourself into thinking you don't feel the emotions that you do. It's a really neat way to develop bizarre psychosomatic symptoms and start experiencing anxiety through constant body pain, swollen lymph nodes, and digestive issues.

For an institution that pathologizes having "alters," psychiatry sure loves to encourage a suffering person to view normal and ultimately good parts of themselves as distinct, intruding entities to be shoved in a closet somewhere.

And yes. Fear is ultimately a good part of you, a part of you that loves you.

What began to set me free was feeling that acid terror and sickness and rage course through my body and realizing—really realizing—that I was being illuminated with this ancient, powerful force driving me to LIVE.

I want us to make it. I want you to live.

And you know what, I want me to live too.

I abandoned the doctrine of calming down—Lord knows it had never worked anyway—and started really just exploring and existing in the Fear.

How did that feel? Bad. Very very very very very bad and really not productive or helpful at all initially. Which was unavoidable. Necessary. She had been frantically clawing to communicate with me for so long, and I had been shutting her away, silencing her, resenting her presence in my psyche. I started trying to show gratitude toward the signals my body gave me. I started trying to show gratitude toward her—and i guess the Fear was a Her now, this just seemed more respectful.

And it seemed like nothing happened, but several things happened.

I stopped searching for validation. That was a big one. At some point I just...stopped needing a "reason" or justification for the fear I felt (trauma???? neurodivergence???? neurodivergence trauma????) and the fact that I experienced it became completely sufficient and satisfying to me. So much guilt and confusion disappeared.

I also became steadily more confident about my own boundaries, particularly in regards to recovery.

It's awful now that I think about it, but I think I felt this sense of almost moral obligation towards "recovery," as if I needed to "overcome fear" to be Courageous and Virtuous. It made me feel crushing guilt to feel any hesitation about this.

But then this started to change. It became more real to me that was the only person affected by the steps I did or didn't take toward recovery, and there was no moral dimension to it. A therapist couldn't put me in a box I wouldn't willingly go into.

Freedom from these judgmental frameworks is really important to me. I think that I always hated the idea of getting "better" because it seemed like "better" would mean just getting better at submitting to things I was afraid of while everything felt just as bad as it always did on the inside.

And on some level—even though I could never put it into words at the time—I violently hated the idea of "recovery" from some of my fears because it seemed like the ultimate denial of agency. I didn't want to "become okay with it"—the possibility felt dehumanizing. It felt awful.

And I realize now that this is because The Fear represented something I needed to have a right to. Many of my most life-destroying fears centered around things being done to my body, and if I could have pressed a button and been no longer afraid, I wouldn't have, even though it would have spared me so much suffering, because...I needed it to be okay to want agency over my body. I needed it to be right. The Fear, in this case, was a demand that my body be treated as sacred.

I realized that there were many cases where The Fear was a territorial claim of sorts, a demand that certain needs be honored and met—She needs this. This is FUCKING non-negotiable.

And it really...prompted me to look backward on my life and see The Fear differently: not as a responsibility I had failed to shoulder (me?? a little child??? responsible?? Responsible for being brave, when every day felt like facing a firing squad?????) but as a collective responsibility

Because I was not alone in those memories—I was surrounded by adults that saw me suffering, and often dismissed, ignored or ridiculed it. The Fear grew larger and larger; why?—to protect me. Because teachers, nurses, doctors, and camp counselors did not do any of the thousand thousand things they could have done to make that little girl feel safe. Because my well-meaning parents praised me when I was "brave" but I, a little kid, literally couldn't communicate how awful it always felt.

The Fear was not there to torture me. The Fear was and is doing her best to keep me safe. It's not wrong, there's no need for guilt. It just is.

It doesn't feel good. But maybe one day it will feel better.

#anxiety #mental illness #psych critical #autism

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thankskenpenders · 1 year ago

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Help me out here: Why is there so much Ian Flynn hate going around lately? I thought everyone loved that he was contributing to the games. Now suddenly they aren't. I guess that's par for the course for this series but I don't get it. He isn't perfect but I like what he's done. Am I a weirdo?

Ian Flynn has always had a lot of fans, but any creator putting their work out there is going to have detractors as well. That's just the nature of being an artist. To some extent, it's no big deal. He's not a perfect writer. Nobody is! I consider myself a fan of his work, but I've criticized plenty of individual writing decisions from him on here.

But Ian doesn't just have critics. He has his own obsessive hatedom. And the specific nature of Ian's hatedom is... interesting.

A decade ago, Ian was only the guy writing for Archie Sonic, meaning any debates over his work were quarantined within that tiny niche of the larger Sonic fandom. Only people who kept up with the comics month to month had any real reason to have an opinion on the guy, which means we're talking about merely thousands of fans as opposed to millions.

Within that group, he had some haters. You had the people who were mad about story changes made during his run, particularly things like ancillary characters getting killed off (although over the years we've learned that most of those were editorial mandates from Mike Pellerito). You had the people mad that Ian didn't push their favorite ship, with feuding SonAmy and Sonally fans claiming that he was CLEARLY biased towards one or the other. You had the people who just really, really liked one of the previous writers way more - usually Penders, as hard as that may be to believe today. That sort of thing. Pretty normal comic fandom type stuff. Again, it comes with the territory.

Unfortunately, many of those haters only got worse over time, morphing into reactionaries who constantly try to incite Comicsgate type culture war bullshit.

There are people still mad at Ian for making Sally bi and pairing her with Nicole instead of Sonic in the later Archie comics. There have been elaborate MS Paint red string conspiracy boards explaining how people like Ian and Jon Gray have apparently been destroying the franchise from the inside for years by Making Sonic Woke. (Jon gets dragged into this because people are still mad about him drawing The Slap 20 years later. Yes, really!!) There was an unhinged change.org petition trying to get Ian fired, specifically from people who were mad that the Freedom Fighters aren't in the IDW comics. There was even a very sad little fan campaign from these people trying to get Sega to move the Sonic comic license away from IDW and over to Udon, because they thought Udon would bring Sally and Bunnie back and also make them sexy again. There's a lot of this.

(Unfortunately, Penders has also exacerbated this by gossiping about Ian on Twitter and giving these fans ammo, but that's a whole 'nother discussion.)

The thing is, for years, people who only played the games or watched the cartoons had no reason to pay attention to any of this. Now, though, Ian isn't just writing for some weird spinoff comics that only the super nerds read. Now he's writing comics that are canon to the games, and ALSO some of the games themselves, and ALSO consulting on other tie-in media like Sonic Prime, and ALSO writing the official Sonic encyclopedia, and ALSO serving as part of the new Sonic Lore Team at Sega. And on top of all this, he's got an increasingly popular podcast where he fields questions about his work on all of these things, which serves as one of the fandom's main windows into creative decisions being made behind the scenes.

As a fan of Ian's work, it's been really cool to see him rise in prominence. But the dark side of this is that his obsessive haters from the Archie days now have WAY more of a potential audience of their own. Now, every Sonic fan has to have an opinion on Ian. What this frequently means is that you'll have the Comicsgate types taking things Ian writes or says out of context, attempting to get more of the general fandom to yell at the guy.

Unfortunately, there are a wide variety of Sonic fans who take the bait:

You've got hardcore fans who disliked basically any recent piece of Sonic media and are looking for someone to blame.

You've got the people who are concerned about the sanctity of Sonic's canon, who shoot the messenger any time Ian mentions a new retcon from Sonic Team on the podcast - or any time he even mentions the THOUGHT of changing anything about the canon, as we saw recently with the Sol Dimension nonsense.

You've got people who romanticize some sort of mythical artistic vision that Sega of Japan supposedly has (or had) for the franchise. To many of these fans, American contributors like Ian just don't "get" the heart of the series and are trying to turn Sonic into something different. (This "heart of the series" tends to be some mix of Japanese instruction manual lore, the cinematics from Sonic CD, the OVA, and/or the games written by Shiro Maekawa, depending on what Sonic media the fan in question grew up with.)

You've got fans of specific characters or ships who pin the blame for how their faves are depicted entirely on Ian - most vocally fans of Shadow, even though the root problem is that Sonic Team hasn't known what to do with Shadow since 2006. At best this stops at regular old criticism, but at its worst this devolves into claims that Ian has an agenda against certain characters.

You've got fans annoyed by a perceived over-emphasis on comic-original characters in the IDW comics, ignoring the obvious facts that these characters exist because the game cast is so tightly controlled by Sega, and also, you know, that people just like the IDW characters and want more stories about them.

You've got a LOT of discourse over IDW's Sonic being a hero who tries to give his enemies second chances, as if half of Sonic's closest friends aren't already former villains and rivals. Honestly this is very transparently just reheated Steven Universe discourse lmao

You'll also see people who just think they could do Ian's job better. They can't believe that THIS GUY is the American fan working on all these Sonic projects, when clearly THEY understand the characters and lore and themes SO much better than this charlatan.

All it takes is for someone in one of these categories to be unhappy about some recent piece of Sonic media, and for them to come across an out of context quote or comic panel that rubs them the wrong way, and suddenly the leftist Zoomer Sonic fans will join the latest dogpile on Ian alongside the reactionary Comicsgate types who are mad at him for Making Sonic Woke.

In general, when fandoms get upset, they tend to want a scapegoat. A person or two to point a finger at and go "THAT's who ruined the thing I love!" This tends to be based less on reality and more on which contributors are the most visible online. You'll sometimes see teenage and adult fans of children's cartoons single out a storyboarder who's particularly vocal on Twitter, blame them for every story decision they don't like, and harass them off the platform out of a sense of retribution for their favorite ship or whatever. Failing that, fans might choose to blame every nitpick, down to individual lines of dialogue and frames of animation, on a showrunner, just because that's the name they associate with the show. And unfortunately, when it comes to Sonic, Ian is now arguably the most prolific and outspoken contributor on the English speaking internet, and therefore a common scapegoat.

Some of the things I've seen Ian blamed for are truly wild. A lot of people have claimed for YEARS that he's just lying about the existence of creative guidelines and restrictions from Sega - or, as fans call them, The Mandates - even though they're just an inherent aspect of working on a licensed property. Others claim that The Mandates are real, but somehow Ian's fault. A vocal minority of fans have convinced themselves that Ian is the sole reason the Freedom Fighters don't exist in the IDW comics, even though Ian says he's been pushing to bring them back since day one.

Sometimes you'll see people say he ruined shit he didn't even work on. A few weeks ago on Twitter I saw someone claim that Ian had written a rejected script for Sonic Forces in which Tails died. I could not find a source for this for the life of me. As far as I can tell, the rumor seems to have been born from an alleged leaked script for Forces with margin notes from Aaron Webber that criticized the way Tails was written, and also an old tweet where Aaron joked that Tails would die in an upcoming episode of Sonic Mania Adventures. These merged into "Aaron Webber criticized a draft of the Forces script in which Tails died." How'd Ian get dragged into this? Who fucking knows!

It's all just a big game of telephone. All it takes is some asshole to make something up about Ian on Twitter or YouTube or a DeviantArt journal or some forum, and at least a couple people will believe it, and then it gets repeated as fact. Again, this used to be contained by the niche nature of the Archie Sonic fandom, but now there are WAY more people who are receptive to this shit.

It's just sad to me that Ian tries to be so open and honest about his work, to try to explain the rationale for certain things, to keep fans looped in on the direction the franchise is headed, and this just gives the Flynnspiracy types more quotes to take out of context and try to paint him as the devil. If it sounds like I'm being overly defensive and dismissing his critics, man... some of the things I've seen people say directly to him are just unbelievable. People will send paragraphs-long angry screeds in to his podcast that completely tear him apart, and he has to sit there and be like "Well, that's your opinion, and you're entitled to it." People literally pay for special guest interview episodes where they just rapid fire complaints about his writing at him directly to his face. I don't know how he does it. I would snap.

All of this over Sonic the fucking Hedgehog of all things.

I don't know how to wrap this up. Engaging with fandoms online is very tiring, which is why I tend not to do it. Things like this are too common. I guess, just... remember that making art collaboratively is a complicated thing. The people involved are generally trying their best given the circumstances, but they're only human. They make mistakes. But please treat them like humans. Criticism and dogpiling are not the same thing.

#anon #ask #tkp asks #tkp post

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dandyslibrary · 2 months ago

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🐍🐙🏹

Jamil, Azul, Rook x Reader — Yandere — Angst — TWST

You guys ; NOOOO SAGE,, ANGST AGAIN!?!?

Me ; you eat whats on your plate >:(( Hope this will feed you guys for the time being while I’m making the other fics, this is just a silly gift for @plumipal !! hope you enjoy plumi.

FOR THOSE WHO ARE CONFUSED ON WHATS THE PROMPT!! Check out Plumipals' yan twst tattoo au. Then this could probably more sense!

Also probably OOC??

TW;; Aww angst :((, pfft no I’m not biased w jamil, DEESSPPERATE BOYS, Jamil crying, Sad Azul, Emotionless(?) Rook, all of them hating on the tattoo, Bad grammar?, Rook watching you sleep, Rook's part is a bit short maybe.

JAMIL VIPER 🐍

That damn tattoo.. that stupid tattoo. He hates it so much, he hates it so so bad. Why? Why did you have to put that stupid thing on you?

And what’s even worse is that it’s because of HIS overblot. It’s because of him that you got that horrible mark on your wrist.

It’s all he can think about, all he can think about is that tattoo. He feels like he’s going crazy, like he’s about to overblot.

again.

He just can’t take it, he can’t! It’s always on his mind. You looked so happy, smiling, when you confirmed that you had that tattoo. You even showed it to him as if it was the greatest decision you made..

He just wishes that oh so beautiful smile was engraved in his brain. And not that horrible tattoo.

Poor Jamil, he can’t sleep at all. His eye bags are so visible under his eyes. He couldn't eat properly either, he couldn't bring himself to stand up and get fresh air. Whats even more annoying is that Kalim has been questioning if he's fine

Jamil just simply scoffed and told him he was fine. But really he wasn’t, you probably hate him don’t you? You probably despise him to the point where you don’t wanna see him.

Well actually, you don’t, he just can’t bear to see you. Whenever he does all he can focus on is the tattoo on your wrist. It pains him so bad for being the reason of it.

Seeing you would just make him cry right on the spot, he feels so worthless and horrible.

He couldn’t take it anymore, so he started to avoid you. Like that was a good idea..

It just only made things worse than they were before, Jamil also came to a realization that he can’t live another day without seeing you.

Yes, he does hate the fact that he’s the reason you got the tattoo. But he also hates the fact of not being able to be with you. He wants to spend every second of his life with you.

Literally like a week later you were met face to face with a Jamil who looked so close to crying. He looked like a wreck, unlike the usual stoic and independent Jamil you’re used to seeing.

"Y/n.." he called out to you his eyes stuck on the ground.

"Jamil.." You answered him. How did it get this bad? You put your hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong? I haven't seen you all week.. and now you suddenly appear in front of me looking like a mess.. no offense.”

Jamil balled up his fists, the hand that you put on his shoulder was the same hand where the tattoo was in. He hated it. He shut his eyes tightly wanting the image of that tattoo out of his brain.

"Jamil?" you called out for him once more.

Opening his eyes, now staring at you directly into your eyes. You could see the tears threatening to fall.

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry Y/n." he stammered "Please don't hate me."

"Jamil- why would I-"

"That tattoo.. it was because of me, its my fault isn't it? You despise me don't you." sniffling he grabs your other hand gently pushing the other one off of his shoulder.

He pulls your hand up to his face, your palm cupping his cheek. "I need you Y/n, I need you to love me as much as I do. I'm not second to those two right?" he continued tears slowly falling down his cheeks a smile creeping up his face.

It wasn’t because of happiness though.

"I'll be better, I promise, I'll make sure I change- anything you want from me, its yours. Just please.. please choose me."

AZUL ASHENGROTTO 🐙

When he first heard about the tattoo he couldn't believe it. He refused to believe it! You surely haven't marked yourself with those' idiots symbols, right?

You wouldn't.. yeah! Those rumours are just rumours. Theres a big chance they aren't true anyway. He would only believe them if he see's it for himself!

So for the first few days he was fine.. still overthinking. But he's just being paranoid! It's just a thing that.. will simply pass.

That was until he couldn't take it anymore. He needed to silence those thoughts, they were so noisy. He invites you into Mostro Lounge's VIP room.

He asks about the tattoo and you confirm the rumours were true. You even had the audacity to roll up your sleeve and show it off proudly.

Fucking ouch, he felt his heart shatter at that point. He wishes that he just let those voices in his head be.

"I- I see, good to know you have.. such amazing friends." he spoke bitterly with a smile. shit- he stuttered.. hope you didn't notice it..

He clears his throat, are tears forming in his eyes? He has to hold it in.. He can't look like a loser. Not in front of you..

He asks you to leave.. which he rarely does. His excuse being that he has a lot of work to do. But actually, he just wants to lock himself up and never go out again.

When you leave the tears start flowing. His elbow on his desk, while his fingers massage his temple. The papers on his desk were getting soggy, but he doesn’t care.

He could recover those papers but it would probably take so much for you to remove those stupid tattoos. Do you hate him? He thought that you and him already made up from his overblot..

He's been stuck in his office for such a long time. He's put Jade in charge for now. He needs time for himself…

The longer hes stuck in there the more he thinks about that horrid tattoo. It's stuck in his mind, and it’s torturing him. He can't let anyone else see this. He can't allow anyone to see him as a stupid little crybaby.

He just wants to sink back into his octopot..

But then an idea pops in his head.. he should think of ways to maybe, earn your favor and get his own tattoo too. Thats the perfect idea!

He tries to make up a contract but all of his ideas go to the trash. They're all so horrible! No way you'd sign these..

They're just not perfect enough for you! Most of them seem childish.. and probably stupid. If he gave one of these to you then you'd probably see him as an idiot!

"No.. no.. no..! None of these contracts are good enough!" he crumpled up the contract he was holding it and threw it into the pile across the room.

How isn't he enough for you!? Why did you have to choose those two! He's- He's your friend too right? He'll do anything for you!

So why.. why did you just have to get a tattoo of them?

He starts crying again, how many times has he cried? He's not sure. He continues to sob covering his face with his eyes.

"Prefect would never love a stupid octopus like me.."

ROOK HUNT 🏹

He stares down at your sleeping figure, your tattooed wrist exposed right in front of him. What is that, mon amour? A tattoo?

Oh! how beautiful, why hasn't he heard you talking about it though?

Oh well, at least hes the first one to see it. He bends down smiling inspecting the tattoo closer.

It reminds him of something.. no actually, someone- hold on, Deuce and Ace?

..Did you seriously get a tattoo of them? W-well, its beautiful! The beauty of friendship is truly amazing. Your bond between Ace and Deuce is truly something!

But why did you have to mark your skin with those symbols though? Couldn't it be something better? Like his name, or maybe something that reminds you of him..

He's your friend too isn't he? So why didnt you get a tattoo for him too?.. He's done so much to make you happy!

He's always tried to keep you safe too.. And to always give you gifts and appreciate for the things you have done when nobody did.

So why didn't you get a tattoo of him too?

Yes he knows! Ace and Deuce have been there longer than him.. But he could treat you better than they ever could..

...

he isn't sure how to feel about this.

So for that night he leaves early going back to pomefiore.

For the next few weeks you notice that Rook has been really silent. You dont feel like anyone's watching you either.

You haven't heard Rook's praises about love in a while either.. so something must be wrong with him. You invite him to Ramshackle so you could help him cheer up.

Rook is oh so grateful, he would be singing praises about your generosity if he wasn't so down at the moment. Rook needs you. Rook wants you to like him to the point you'd get him a tattoo of him also.

Rook finds himself laying his head on your lap his arms wrapped around your waist while kneeling on the ground. You gently run your fingers through his soft silky blonde hair.

Rook sniffled and looked up at you, and you could see a single tear form in his eye.

"My heart yearns for your favor, mon amour. I wish to be as loved as much as you love Monsieur Heart and Monsieur Spade. But It seems that you haven't noticed that yet." he whispered, his voice hoarse.

You tilted your head to the side slightly. You didn’t hear him clearly and ask him to repeat what he said.

He would’ve, but he just doesn’t feel like answering so he looked away from your eyes. You understood and went back to patting him gently.

He takes a deep breath in burry his head back into your stomach. "You’re so cruel, yet I still love you. The things I do for love." The things he does for you. He would do anything for you.

"I've never let anyone see me in this vulnerable state.” You’re so cruel, but he will still love you. No matter what, he will wait for you to love him back.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

BAM DONE. I had a little fun writing this honestly, silly little break. Thanks for reading up to this point. Sorry for the grammatical errors..

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joejhang · 4 days ago

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andrew minyard.

finally andrew is getting the essay treatment from me. i love this man and i just needed to yap about him. spoilers ahead and continue at ur own risk.

people (both within the series and in the fandom) like to think of andrew as super unemotional and stoic. i don't think people realise it but the whole "andrew is soulless" mindset has bled into the fandom, and the way people write and talk about him really makes me think they do just consider andrew to be extremely cold and unreachable as a person. i lowkey find this funny because andrew's not even that monstrous or difficult or stone cold he's literally just bipolar (canonically) with some clinical depression in there. like???

and it's weird because people like to think of andrew as super out of control and violent and yes, he was unpredictable when he was on his drugs and he does still play by his own rules, but he honestly rarely incites any violence? i can't really think of a single instance he's been violent for no reason. he punched matt for hitting kevin. he choked allison for slapping aaron. he choked kevin for lying to him and also because he was understandably panicked and angry about neil being taken from him. what i find interesting is that when one-dimensional booktok men and the stereotypical book boyfriends do this typa shit it's seen as cute and protective and bf material but when andrew does it he's seen as violent, out of control and emotionless. and what also doesn't make sense is when people see his ability to inflict fear and violence on people (usually retaliatory but whatever) they consider it to be proof of his inability to feel emotion, but it seems to me that it's proof of the opposite? all of his violent and "out of control" moments to me are literally displays of how much he cares.

andrew is such an acts of service show don't tell kinda person and you'd have to be pretty blind (or biased) to not be able to see how his actions reflect his thoughts and emotions. he agreed to everything neil asked of him because he was interested in and a little (a lot) in love with him. he agreed to let kevin stay and protect him from the literal mafia because kevin believed in him and believed he was worth something and was willing to be patient and give him something to live for. he's friends with and hangs out with renee because she's kind and honest and genuine with him and isn't immediately dead-set against him because he doesn't fit into the conventional values of what a guy is supposed to act like.

does he have problems and flaws? yes, absolutely. many of his issues do stem from his existing trauma and the biases he's developed from that, but he's working through them, with other people's help, and it's so bizarre when people in the fandom talk about him like he's so far gone and to "rehabilitate" him would be a miracle when...he's literally already in the process of healing?? and he's not resistant to it at all?? before neil even shows up, he's seeing and talking to betsy, he's doing things (in his own way, sure) to try and patch up his relationship with aaron, he's protecting the people he cares about, he isn't honestly as self-sabotaging and self-destructive as he says he is. betsy is right when she says that he's done exceptionally well despite everything the world and his life have tried to throw at him.

people like to accuse aftg of demonising mental illness and people like andrew but i actually think the aftg fandom does that a lot more than the actual books. i think anyone with critical thinking can see that despite the nickname, andrew isn't a monster at all, and i think anyone that really knows him in the novel would see that too. and people in the fandom still write him like a sociopath even though it's explicitly stated he isn't, he literally has bipolar disorder, and it's funny and ironic to me because the fandom is like the general public in aftg, and the fandom (at least to me) demonises andrew a hell of a lot more than the actual books do.

andrew isn't the emotionless, stony, cold, unreachable, violent monster the fandom seems to think he is. i think he does have some problems expressing his emotions and probably has some issues coming to terms with a lot of them, but i think he definitely experiences the full range of emotions and they show themselves pretty frequently, intentional or not.

#zoe yaps #aftg #all for the game #andrew minyard #neil josten #kevin day #andreil

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thepersonperson · 5 months ago

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I just want to say that I really love your analysis on Gojo and Sukuna a lot.

Can I ask for analysis of Sukuna and Yuji dynamics? It's okay if you take awhile to answer this.

(Answered as of JJK 262 using TCB Scans.)

Oh boy this one is fun!

I see Sukuna and Yuji as opposite sides of the same coin. They both have the same kind of tools but wind up at completely different conclusions because of their own personal biases.

By the way, thank you for breaking my brain anon. I'm going to consider this yet another part of my attempt to grasp Sukuna's character.

Sukuna's Loneliness Part 3 (Sukuna's hatred of Yuji is jealousy.)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4

Click images for captions/citations.

Yuji and Sukuna's Shrine

Gege does this really clever thing where kanji used to describe a Cursed Technique (CT) have multiple readings, especially if you look past the initial proposed reading. In a way, this is teaching you how to read the text. The face-value reading, albeit true, hides another reading underneath.

Dismantle comes from the kanji 解 (Kai). This kanji can mean to unravel, to explain, to understand, to solve, to cut. It’s first introduced with chef knives which pushes the reader to interpret the meaning as “to cut”. However, this doesn't mean it's not carrying the other readings at the same time. The cutting is not simply cutting, it's a purposeful unraveling in search of an answer—in other words, dismantling.

Another good translation of 解 (Kai) would be Dissect. Though dismantle gets across a similar feeling, dissect invokes a more intimate and purposeful imagery to the cutting. Both of translations are good in their own ways. It's a matter of preference for which is better.

My point here is that the technique itself indicates the user is trying to understand something closely. The surface reading isn't sufficient for the user, the insides, the guts are what they're after. Both Yuji and Sukuna embody this desire to understand others in completely opposite directions.

Yuji, Human Golden Retriever

Yuji is wholly devoted to understanding others. He unravels the hearts of those around him by being himself. Similar to Sukuna, he also mimics people he admires. Not only in battle, but casually as well, pair bonding with just about anyone who will let him.

The mimicry aspect of Yuji here is very important because it demonstrates he is trying to understand other people on their own terms and not his own. Yuji engages everyone as themselves and accepts them as they are. Him having no braincells is a boon because it means he can absorb others' with ease.

I'm extremely fond of Yuji's pair bonding with Gojo in particular. In great length I've explained how Gojo's inability to deeply connect with others since his breakup with Geto was isolating and dehumanizing. Yuji is the first person since then to match his energy exactly and without question. Usually other characters get irritated with his shenanigans and can't follow him in conversation. Yuji consistently keeps up with him in that regard even if he's confused. In this way, Yuji has done the impossible, he has gotten past some of Gojo's emotional barriers and connected with him.

This type of seemingly impossible connection is not limited to Gojo, my other favorite being Junpei. Up until Yuji meets him, Junpei is effectively groomed by Mahito into hating other people. Mahito teaches him distrust and to see human ugliness first. Junpei starts to believe everyone is rotten and therefore ok to kill. But Yuji meets him by chance and does this:

All that time Mahito spent molding Junpei into someone worse flies right out the window because Yuji wins him over by being genuine. This is the crux of Yuji's character.

Yuji's Unyielding Spirit

Just about everyone is won over by Yuji's persistent unending good boy energy, even the people who try to kill him (Megumi, the Kyoto students, Choso, Hakari, Higurama, etc.). His most interesting converts are Higurama and Hakari in my opinion. This is because Yuji's steadfast devotion to others defies their world views.

After a lifetime's worth of heartbreak as a public defender, Higurama believes that deep down all people are hideous (similar to Junpei). He's ready to kill Yuji until he takes the blame for something he didn't do. It so thoroughly shakes him that he has a meltdown over the chapter and ultimately concludes he was in the wrong.

Yuji doesn't try to make Higurama understand him here. All he does is be himself and it forces Higurama to undergo character growth that ultimately results in him understanding Yuji.

Yuji does the exact same thing to Hakari but in a different way. Hakari believes in the selfish types who are passionate in their own pursuits. He's a lot like Sukuna in that way, he straight up calls Yuji boring for doing things on the behalf of others.

Yuji doesn't care though. He's got a clear goal and he's chasing it. Hakari knocking him down over and over does nothing. Unlike with Higurama, Yuji explains exactly how he sees himself and that if Hakari can't handle it, he'll keep getting back up until he accepts it. And it works. Eventually Hakari can see the "fever" of someone who is nothing like him.

These two converts best illustrate how Yuji is the embodiment of unwavering humanity. He does things for other people and he will keep doing things for other people even it brings him pain or death. If you don't understand that kind of mentality, he'll let you pummel him until you do.

Also notice how he never once tells his converts they are wrong to think the way they do. This acceptance of their differences is very important and will be coming up later.

Yuji's Love

Yuji connects with others through mimicry (and so does Sukuna). This, of course, is an expression of love. But what really sets his love apart from others' is his ability to perceive people and their emotions—he notices things about them no one else would.

I include the bout with Panda in this collage since their entire conversation occurs nonverbally. Yuji infers how Panda is feeling and what his goals are by sparing through a fake duel. All of this shows that despite Yuji's low general intelligence, his emotional intelligence is unparalleled. In a way, this ability of his to read others is him taking after both Kenjaku and Sukuna. But he doesn't use this insight to torment others, he uses it to befriend them.

This understanding of others is not limited to those Yuji is friendly with too. Hated people and things are something he is willing to engage without hostility.

I'm using the anime screencap because Yuji immediately accepting cursed objects, Sukuna's in particular, as something to be cherished instead of scorned really needs to be talked about more. And of course his acceptance of Todo (who is just like Sukuna for reasons we will get into later) is nearly just as important as him understanding Sukuna enough to utilize him against Mahito. These are both people, despised by most of the cast, that Yuji is willing to accept and work with on their own terms.

I often use the lens of analysis in which Umineko gave me: "Without love it cannot be seen." This is referring to how one needs to set aside their negative biases and assumptions to properly see the motives behind an action. It's sort of like giving someone the benefit of the doubt in your attempt to understand them. I think Yuji is the personification of this concept. And that's why Sukuna cannot stand him.

Sukuna, King of Miscommunication

The way in which Sukuna goes about understanding others is the polar opposite of Yuji and deeply perverse. It's like how a shark uses its mouth to explore the world. Instead of using his words, Sukuna uses his cutting to feel others out. And much like a shark, the exploratory bite and attacking bite are extremely different in action despite both resulting in the same level of harm or death when experienced.

Take notice of how happy Sukuna is when cutting his playmates. He doesn't kill them immediately and uses the information from his slashes to gain a better understanding of them. This is how Sukuna interacts with the world.

It's easy to dismiss sharks as evil since their bites do harm to humans no matter the context. But if you try to understand them on shark terms, they're actually pretty adorable. In other words, without love it (shark cuteness) cannot be seen. Please keep this in mind as I attempt to convince you Sukuna is peak gap moe.

Sukuna's Affection

Sukuna is very similar to Gojo in that he displays affection in very bizarre and unpleasant ways. But unlike Gojo who just verbally assaults people, Sukuna straight up assaults them. He's more than happy to give people compliments for their efforts, but it comes at the price of enduring his violence.

As you can see some of these compliments coincide with attempts to teach his opponent how to be a better fighter. And this is where Sukuna's affection shines the most—when he reaches out to his opponent and tries to connect with them and understand them through battle.

However...every single time Sukuna tries to bond with someone this way, they try to kill him. It's kind of hilarious.

He tries to connect with the Finger Bearer, a curse of all things. Rejected.

He tries to connect with Megumi after showing him his heart. Rejected.

He tries to connect with Higurama after cutting his limbs off. Rejected.

He tries to connect with Maki via an unhinged high-praise yapfest. Rejected.

No one here engages Sukuna's dialogue. They ignore his words entirely to focus on killing him. The only time anyone listens to him is if they're Uraume, actively dying, or Kashimo.

As you can see, Sukuna primarily expresses affection through violence. It's always accompanied by a smile and sometimes a backhanded compliment. No one can recognize this as affection because getting bit by a shark hurts regardless of intent. That being said, this affectionate violence differs greatly when compared to the violence inflicted out of aggravation.

Sukuna's Pickiness

Sukuna shows his displeasure through cutting as well. This usually occurs when people reach out to him without his explicit permission. Though Sukuna is eager to form bonds with others to some degree, he absolutely loathes when expectations are thrust onto him by another party.

That kind of relationship is transactional and not between equals. They don't want Sukuna for himself, they want Sukuna for themselves. Yorozu is the epitome of this and Sukuna treats her accordingly.

Notice how in both of these instances Sukuna's expression is the furthest thing from pleased. Yorozu does recognize his loneliness but disregards how he wants to deal with it. Sukuna cuts her to keep her away from him, not to understand her, and she doesn't get it. (Also note how he refuses to use his Shrine on her in their battle. Which we’ve established as Sukuna’s tool for understanding others. He wants so little to do with her it’s funny.)

Mahito also winds up on the receiving end of "get the fudge away from me" slashes despite initially bonding with Sukuna over Yuji's suffering. They inadvertently disrespect Sukuna's boundaries through unwanted contact, much like Yorozu, leading to this reaction. (To be fair, having your soul touched by a stranger sounds pretty upsetting.) Framing Sukuna's dislike of Mahito as an annoyed hostess vs a touchy patron in joke panels is a great way to illustrate how much he values this particular boundary.

Once again, Sukuna's expressions are very clear in their disgust. These cuts are to be read as hostile. When Sukuna cuts others in this manner, he is not trying to understand them.

Sukuna's Missed Connections

Now that we know how to read Sukuna's intent through how he cuts, we can also read his mood during fights and infer how he feels about other characters.

Jogo

In this post I kind of went over why Jogo wound up being favored by Sukuna. But let's break it down some more.

Jogo started in Sukuna's doghouse. His body language, facial expressions, and treatment of Jogo initially indicates Sukuna categorized Jogo amongst the likes of Mahito and Yorozu (he did touch his face without permission). Then Jogo said he wanted nothing of Sukuna, and everything changed.

Sukuna smiles at him and plays with him in the exact same manner he tried to with the Finger Bearer and Megumi earlier. He tries to coax Jogo into going all out while taking the time to figure out why he doesn't.

And perhaps learning from past mistakes, or Yuji (though he'd probably never admit it), Sukuna engages with Jogo on his terms—fire power. This mirroring is a show of respect and an attempt to learn more about Jogo.

This is the first time we see Sukuna do such a thing. And in return he gains a deeper understanding of Jogo for it while seeing him off into the afterlife.

Another first for Sukuna, he makes a meaningful connection through combat with Jogo who listens to him and accepts him as he is. Sukuna gasses him up while simultaneously putting him down, eventually ending on a genuine compliment, believing Jogo could've become an equal to Gojo Satoru. ...And then that blossoming relationship burns to ash by Sukuna's own hands.

This is where Yuji succeeds and Sukuna fails. Yuji's love builds and Sukuna's love kills.

The main takeaways from Sukuna vs Jogo are:

>Sukuna's facial expressions are a strong indicator of how he feels about someone. (Glaring at Jogo initially when he felt disrespected and then smiling at Jogo when he became interested in him.)

>Sukuna will offer aid to those who don't demand it of him. (Promising to kill all the humans in Shibuya on Jogo's behalf and giving permission for Jogo to boss him around if certain conditions are met.)

>Sukuna holds back during fights with those he wants to understand. (Playing with Jogo and trying to coax him into fighting harder.)

>Sukuna mimics others as a form of respect. (Fire vs fire showdown.)

>Sukuna is interested in the internal logic of his opponents. (Asking why Jogo doesn't use his domain and being intrigued by his attempt to become human.)

Keep all of this in mind as I use these points to revisit Sukuna's biggest missed connection.

Gojo Satoru

Jogo and Gojo as names are interesting in that they're inverses of each other if you go by the hiragana in Japanese. I think this was deliberate. It's not a coincidence that Jogo is someone Sukuna learned he was compatible with through fighting. Nor is it a coincidence Sukuna tried to understand him on his own terms in a way that killed him. This fight winds up being a blueprint for how Sukuna attempts to connect with Gojo Satoru.

The culmination of Sukuna's attempts to understand someone other than himself is Gojo Satoru. A whole 6 months in the making, the effort Sukuna puts towards others doesn't compare. He saw the potential in Megumi and found Mahoraga, blowing up half of Shibuya to tame it. He stole Megumi's body and subjugated his soul to obtain it, using his sister/Yorozu as calibration. And he explicitly states all this was for cutting through Gojo's Infinity.

All this prep work to kill one guy, and his loved ones are tormented for it. Gojo's prized student, Megumi (who Gojo treats like a son) is bathed in curses for days and has his sister murdered by his own CT. Sukuna picked through Megumi's memories as a part of this strategy, which means he has access to these two conversations.

A very selfish dream on Gojo's end, the desire for an equal he saw in Megumi more than any other student. In other words, a little piece of Gojo's internal logic that reveals a path for exploitation. And exploit it Sukuna does, deliberately wearing Megumi's face to mess with other sorcerers.

But that's probably not the whole truth here. Though Kenjaku and Yorozu understand Sukuna to an extent, they don't understand him fully. It's definitely true he used Megumi's face to better subjugate his new vessel and throw off Gojo. And it wouldn't be wrong to assume Sukuna did this out of malice. However...

Without love it cannot be seen gives me a framework to view these actions as something beyond hatred towards Gojo. It allows me to entertain a hypothetical where this a twisted display of affection. But it doesn't give me the evidence for this. So for this dissection, I'm using another important tool from Umineko: "Flipping over the chessboard." This refers to how one should try to see things from a different perspective.

For example, many people interpreted "The one who will teach you about love is..." during their fight being about Gojo trying to teach Sukuna love.

I decided to flip over the chessboard and came to the conclusion: The one who will teach you about love is...Sukuna.

I supported this claim with the conversation where Sukuna teaches love to Kashimo while alluding that Gojo needed teaching. And now I flip over the chessboard again. If Sukuna sees himself as a teacher of love, was Sukuna vs Gojo an attempt at education?

I reread the fight again and found this:

It's very clear that the one being satisfied in this instance is Gojo and by Sukuna. This battle is technically everything Gojo hoped for from Megumi. The potential of the 10 Shadows is maximized, Mahoraga is tamed, and the Infinity Gojo has longed for someone to pierce since Toji is obliterated.

The one satisfying him now is...Sukuna.

The one who will teach you about love is...Sukuna.

The parallel syntax and a definitive answer. I'm more confident that this is how the blank is to be filled. And that's why I don't know how to interpret this fight anymore.

This story repeatedly emphasizes how selfish Sukuna is. It beats you over the head with how self-centered and uncaring his conduct is. So why is it that he has seemingly gone out of his way to satisfy Gojo on his own terms?

There's not enough information. Did Sukuna hold back with Gojo because Megumi was still resisting him, or was it an attempt to mimic Yuji and connect with him? Did he use Megumi's body and face after reading his memories to better torment Gojo or was it give him satisfaction?

So I flip over the chessboard and go back to Jogo.

Gojo didn't ask anything of Sukuna just like Jogo. Neither of them asked to have their strength validated. Sukuna is the one who came after them.

Sukuna expressed his gratitude towards Jogo for wanting nothing of him by helping him with his objective. He killed all humans in the area as he promised and gave Jogo a chance to ask for more. Instead of slaughtering Jogo instantly, Sukuna played around with him while trying to understand him, all smiles, both backhandedly and genuinely complimenting him as he died.

...And it appears that Sukuna has done the same thing for Gojo too.

According to this post 龍鱗 (ryuurin) translates to dragon scales and "describes the basic application of Limitless, a strong defensive barrier like the scales of a dragon." This reference is also Buddhist in nature likening these scales/Gojo to a "dangerous divine power/authority", aka someone more than just a fish.

Now take this hidden meaning and Sukuna's 6 month long obsession with cutting through Infinity. Take how he describes the World Slash as something that reaches its target by making them the center of Sukuna's world. And remember that this solution is a modified Dismantle—the tool which Sukuna uses to connect with and understand others.

Sukuna made Gojo Satoru the center of his world in an attempt to understand him. He cut through Infinity in the exact way Gojo has always wanted to satisfy him. This could be read as flirtation since Sukuna has told Kashimo violence is how he loves. Just as he did with Jogo, Sukuna killed Gojo with his love.

The biggest difference between how Jogo and Gojo are treated is the complete lack of Sukuna in Gojo's afterlife. Jogo let Sukuna in and they bonded in death. Gojo seemingly kept Sukuna out, choosing to be surrounded by those he felt close with as a teenager, and waxed on about how it's hard to be understood. The irony is staggering.

It's possible that Sukuna expected Gojo to let him in during death so he could learn the unspoken secrets of his most favorite plaything. There’s also the possibility Sukuna was privy to Gojo’s afterlife scene and became acutely aware Geto still had Gojo’s heart entirely. (I don't think this the case since Sukuna is bright-eyed and smiling after that sequence.) Either way, Gojo failed to realize Sukuna was trying to reach him and inadvertently rejected him.

I flip over the chessboard again, revisiting Sukuna's lecture on love to Kashimo assuming that Sukuna attempted to teach Gojo love and failed. And now I don't know how to interpret his conversation with Kashimo either.

Is he simply saying love is worthless because all he values is strength? Or is he lamenting that each and every time he has tried to love his heart has been trampled? Could it be both?

Sukuna loves eating and humans are amongst his favorite meals. In that way, he does need someone else to be satisfied. Yet he insists on the contrary all while looking for companionship with anything that moves. Sukuna has gone his entire life not caring for others. But his fights with Jogo and Gojo demonstrate the opposite. Post-Gojo death, his expressions are ones of boredom and he is far more depressed. When his opponents most resemble Gojo, his smile returns.

Sukuna is too much like Gojo here, his 2 birds 1 stone approach to obfuscating his true feelings makes him very hard to read. It really doesn't help that instead of saying "I love you" Sukuna cuts people to pieces with a smile on his face. Forget about the gap moe. Sukuna is the most tsundere of sharks.

Umineko no Naku Koro ni (When the Seagulls Cry) is a visual novel about a person who is fundamentally misunderstood by those around them. They desperately want to be loved without being perceived, believing themself to be unworthy due to trauma and immutable characteristics given to them at birth. Instead of telling anyone these feelings directly, they play games akin to torture. They torment the ones they love over and over in hopes they'll see through their actions and understand them.

The Uncle vs Nephew Problem

What does Sukuna's inability to socialize have to do with Yuji? Well...everything. Remember that similar to Yuji, Sukuna rejected Mahito—the manifestation of the hatred between humans. Symbolically, this suggests Sukuna doesn't hate humans as much as he appears to. And from how he interacts with others, this may be the case.

Sukuna tries to be himself to connect with others and fails miserably. But Yuji? He breathes and makes 10 friends instantly. And even worse, he can fight others to understand them without killing them. Either with words or with fists, Yuji can make the connections using the very tools that isolate Sukuna.

So Sukuna falls back on isolation being strength. It's fine that he's all alone because it's what makes him strong. ...And in complete opposition to that philosophy (which is a huge cope), Yuji grows through his connections with other people.

Isolation vs Cooperation

Yuji is the undisputed king of running duos, in part because he can decenter himself at will to sync up with others. It doesn't matter how well he knows them or how long he's been around them, he will find a a way to be the best support they've ever received.

Sukuna doesn't believe in this kind of cooperation or other people. But he still respects Gojo and Megumi who do, so why does Yuji piss him off? I think it's because Yuji rubs his ability to love and grow from others in Sukuna's face, constantly.

Whether he's trapped in his body or on the receiving end of his friendship beatdowns, Sukuna has been present for each and every bonding moment Yuji has through fighting. Sukuna has an involuntary front row seat to Yuji's defiance of everything he stands for.

He's forced to watch Yuji learn how to Black Flash by cooperating with Todo. And since then, Yuji has learned to proc it with anyone he pairs up with.

Near death and with Nobara? No problem.

Things look hopeless and the shiestiest guy around is barely hanging on to his dead mentor's memento? 2 Black Flashes.

Yuji is even able to sync up with a guy he's never met, whose name he doesn't know to pull off this.

And of course we can't leave out Todo Aoi himself who maximizes Yuji's black flash efficiency.

This shakes Sukuna to the soul because holy fudge, Yuji is starting to become just as strong as him without mercilessly abandoning his humanity.

And that might mean Sukuna was wrong to suffer isolation in the pursuit of strength. That would mean Sukuna endured a lifetime of misunderstanding and loneliness for no greater purpose. In fact, he might be stronger if he had someone else to grow with. Which means he could've had love and strength.

That's a painful reality to confront. It's no wonder most of the black flashes Yuji lands on Sukuna are over his broken heart.

Selfishness vs Selflessness

Earlier I claimed that Sukuna and Todo are the same kind of person. This is because they're both extremely egocentric individuals who categorize people worth their time by boring or interesting. They both hate taking orders from the people they deem boring and go about understanding people through combat. And just about everyone hates them for being this way. The difference between them is Yuji and restraint with their opponents. (Todo doesn't outright kill the boring people, he just beats them half to death. And though he beats up the interesting people too, he allows them to grow for the next time.)

Note how Yuji matches Todo's communication style. He chooses to learn about Todo through combat and their relationship grows along with their strength, all without death. Yuji understands Todo and Todo understands Yuji. This is exactly what Sukuna has been trying to do.

Now Todo sees Yuji as his brother, aka someone with the potential to rise to his level and beyond. He doesn't mind at all that Yuji fights for others and Yuji doesn't mind that Todo fights to stave off boredom. Their relationship shows that someone as selfish and isolated as Todo (aka Sukuna) is capable of coexisting and growing with someone.

Sukuna rejects this on principle, going out of his way to destroy Yuji's bonds and ideals. He mocks his cog mentality and lectures him on this weakness. But like the fraud he is, Sukuna copies Yuji and obtains greater power by becoming obsessed with someone other than himself.

His fight with Gojo and the preparation up to it mirrors everything he hates about Yuji. Sukuna learns all about Gojo Satoru to find a way to kill him. He engages the fight on Gojo's terms and reaches out to satisfy him. And worst of all Sukuna grows through this—he upgrades his CT by making someone else the center of his world.

The fact this happened means Yuji was right about everything, so all Sukuna has left is denial. Yuji is boring, he's a brat, he's weak, he'll never reach his level. Because if he does, well, Sukuna's entire world view falls apart.

We saw this with Higurama and Hakari vs Yuji. Both of them eventually accepted that these differing ideas can exist together. Sukuna can't be like them since he keeps borrowing Yuji's tactics instead of sticking to his own ideas. He's defrauded himself and Yuji has to pay for this.

Rejection vs Acceptance

So that's the rub. Yuji is strong and properly loved through his unwavering good boy energy alone and this breaks Sukuna's brain. It's hard to read this as anything other than jealousy since Sukuna is watching Yuji obtain the things he's been denied using the exact same toolkit. And though Sukuna rejects Yuji for this, Yuji accepts Sukuna for what he is, just as he does everyone else.

All Sukuna has do is accept that Yuji's way of thinking is just as valid as his. But he can't since they're too similar. Yuji's existence forces Sukuna to confront a reality he's not emotionally equipped to handle. Instead of facing these emotional problems head on, he buries them and blames everyone else in a combination of envy and denial.

Deep down Sukuna knows he's in the wrong, otherwise Yuji's punches wouldn't shake his soul.

#cactus yaps #In summary: Yuji and Sukuna's dynamic is peak “pathetic adult has beef with a literal child”.#Yuji is more emotionally mature than his uncle and Sukuna is mad his nephew is better than him at something.#Sukuna also sees everything he could've had in Yuji and can't handle it.#Every time I reevaluate Sukuna's relationship with love I find something new and mind breaking.#I’m never going to stop thinking about Sukuna’s canonical negative rizz.#Once again I'm considering tagging this with the ships Sukugo and possibly Sukujo.#Gojo's pussy haunts the narrative but Jogo has insurmountable rizz.#Why are Sukuna and Gojo so Umineko? Also read Umineko there are cannibal lesbians. (Which is very Sukugo if you ask me.)#asks #ryomen sukuna #itadori yuuji #jjk spoilers #jujutsu kaisen

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summer-nights19 · 9 months ago

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Knb dating headcanons (gn reader)

This is my part of a collab with the lovely @neoo that I've been putting off for months (Aomine, Kise, Akashi, Takao, Momoi)

You can probably tell where my biases lie lmao

Aomine

~ Before dating, you guys had one of those friendships in which you do everything together. If one of you was somewhere, the other was likely not far off. You were also one of the only people he opened up to in any way

~ Even before your relationship was official, everyone half thought you were dating. You both always dismissed these ideas furiously, unaware of your pining being mutual

~ Was definitely a mess when he first asked you out. Despite trying to appear confident, it was clear that he was really flustered and that the nerves were getting to him. When you accepted, his face lit up with one of his rare, geniuine grins and it was one of the most attractive things you had ever seen

~ Definitely the jealous type. If he sees anyone try to approach you romantically, he will put a possessive arm around your waist at the very least while glaring at that person. Has no problem getting his hands dirty, metaphorically or sometimes literally, to remind them that you're his. Usually, he'll take it further by kissing your cheeks and lips, before trailing kisses down your neck. You end up having to remind him that you're in a public setting.

~ Loves seeing you in his basketball jersey, especially if you wear it to his games. He thinks you look adorable in it, plus there's something really hot about you wearing his name and number like that. The first time you did it, he just stared in admiration. Needless to say, it was hard for him to focus during the first quarter of that game.

~ His love languages are quality time and physical contact. He can be a bit closed off at times, so he isn't great with words and emotions, but he finds other ways to show you he cares. For one, you're pretty much always doing everything together: study sessions, relaxing at one of your houses, watching TV, wandering around town... if you're somewhere, he's usually nearby.

~ When you're in a busy place together, he'll hold your hand to prevent you from losing sight of each other. He'll also do this more casually, and, while doing it, he fidgets with your fingers and draws patterns on the back of your hand with his fingertips. It's weirdly soothing for both of you.

~ Side hugs + arm around your waist, so you guys can keep moving while he's touching you

~He's also the type of guy to run his hand up your thigh and kiss you in public if you're comfortable with that

~ Definitely loves it if you sleep in with him during the weekend. You'll spend hours cuddled up like that with his arms wrapped around you or your head on his chest

~ He'll jokingly tease/bully you ALL the time. It was a large part of how you guys used to flirt pre relationship, but it didn't stop after. You can do it right back of course, but he's the kinda guy who always needs to have the last word

~ Tries to teach you how to play basketball. If you're bad at it, he won't mind (he'll definitely tease you though) because he thinks it's adorable how hard you're trying for him

~ Despite not being the best with emotions, he'll try really hard to communicate more with you as your relationship goes on. Makes sure you always know how much he adores you

Kise

~ Even before he realised how he felt about you, he was constantly flirting with you. Initially, you shit him down completely, but, as you guys became good friends, you grew to tolerate it

~ He was definitely confused when he first realised he felt something deeper for you - he usually only had casual relationships and superficial flirting, so when he found out he wanted something more from you, he was pretty stumped.

~ Pushed you away at first, but, as he grew to accept his feelings he set about making amends

~ He was terrified when asking you out- what if you said no ??? To his delight, you said yes without hesitation

~ Forgot about all his fan girls when you two started dating. Now, he just ends the conversation with them as quickly as possible to get to you. He also makes it very clear that he's taken.

~ His main love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. He'll constantly be praising all your successes and telling you how perfect and hot you are. Do the same for him and he melts.

~ Constantly leaving kisses all over your face and either hugging you or keeping an arm around you. If you let him, he'll keep a hand on your thigh whenever you two are sitting together.

~ You definitely have mini parties when one of you sleeps over - you put on a bad film, make some popcorn, do your skincare (Kise definitely has the best stuff from his modelling job) and just relax.

~ He's a textbook golden retriever boy.

Takao

~ You probably met because you were sat next to each other in class or something.

~ Tries to crack jokes/make you laugh to win your heart. The kinda guy to send you 50 memes/reels a day and be like "this reminded me of you,"

~ Definitely tries to use those really lame dirty pick up lines, and says "Only joking," before you even have time to react.

~ Keeps up a confident facade around you, but internally he's panicking. When he finally works up the courage to ask you out, he's so id when you say yes.

~ When you actually start dating, he's by your side 24/7, and, if he can't be with you, he spams your DMs with texts and memes.

~ If you're ever sad, he tries to comfort you by making you laugh

Akashi

~ Was cold towards you at first, as he was still completely in denial about having feelings for you. However, as you grew closer over time and started to open up to each other, he let his guard down

~ You guys were probably friends for a long time before dating, and Akashi already trusted you with his life. You're the only person he's ever properly opened up to

~ Treats you like royalty - to him, princess treatment is the bare minimum. He's the definition of a gentleman

~ Also loves to shower you in luxurious gifts - definitely the type to send you large bouquets of your favourite flower at least once a week

~ will keep up his cold façade in public but becomes a total sweetheart when it's just you two

~ Posessive and overprotective (not that many people try coming near you with the kind of reputation he has)

Momoi

~ You guys were probably already very good friends when she realised she liked you. Eveb efore that, she'd always want to hang out with you and looked forward to seeing you the most

~ Now, she'll be extra friendly and sweet to you, never once leaving your side

~ Becomes a little shy and awkward at times, especially in the beginning of the relationship

~ her love language is quality time - she plans so many exciting experiences and trips for you guys

~ Gets jealous easily and tries not to show it

~ Looks out for you in small ways - she'll cook you lunch or bring you class notes if you're off sick. She's not great with words but shows you she cares through her actions

~ Will never leave your side if you're upset

Masterlist

#knb fanfic #knb x reader #knb #gom x reader #aomine x reader #aomine fanfic #aomine daiki #akashi x reader #akashi seijirou #ryota kise fanfic #ryota kise x reader #ryota kise #takao x reader #takao kazunari #momoi satsuki #momoi satsuki x reader

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shiongenkai · 2 months ago

Text

TD Captain Swap

I have crafted a captain swap so hilarious to me I need to talk about it so here's the stupidest thing ever.

Frostheim: Yuri

Vagastrom: Jin

Jabberwock: Ed

Sinostra: Alan

Hotarubi: Taiga

Obscuary: Haru

Mortkranken: Subaru

My insane ramblings below the cut.

My basic premise is that one day Darkwick is like. In order to promote harmony across the houses and establish rapport with one another we will be assigning captains to a new house for the next month. And then they do that. And it all falls apart immediately.

Frostheim

Yuri voice ill never go back. And then Darkwick is like okay you're too biased against them go make up!! And Yuri seethes so hard something in his body pops.

First off, nooo way he gets along with Tohma or feels comfortable in Jin's room. Secondly, Kaito? Kaito. Literally no way that guy won't scream every other day. It's not even that he dislikes Yuri, it's just that the rumors are too Big for Kaito not to freak out every single time. And Luca of course will not help this concern ever, and will ask for Yuri's history and why he seems so familiar with Frostheim stuff, and Yuri will have to decide how far morals can carry him.

Somehow someway everyone in this scenario comes out appreciating Jin just like. A smidge more. His Frostheim runs as smoothly as Yuri's Frostheim but there's something slightly more dignified about it.

Vagastrom

I really just need a Jin Leo bitch off. Leo trying to get info from Jin except he soundproofed his room again, Jin not giving a shit about what the two of them do which makes it considerably less fun despite neither Sho nor Leo being willing to admit that, Jin using his stigma when MC is around to force Leo to do things. It's technically functional, like Vagastrom doesn't fall to chaos after Jin asserts his dominance on day one, but it's like. Everyone misses Alan so bad. So bad. Sho and Leo would never admit it to his face but they prefer their captain over Jin even if most things haven't really changed.

Also I think the only reasons Jin would leave his room is if Leo was bothering him too much and even then it would take a bit. I think Sho's life wouldn't be changed a whole lot but he'd miss the sparring and also find Jin's philosophy like.... not strange or bad but too different???? Like yeah it's annoying to spar every day but it's also fun. That's his enrichment...

Jabberwock

This is what inspired it all. The exact sequence of events was that I thought to myself, wouldn't it be funny if Ed was in Jabberwock since it's usually pretty sunny and it requires a lot of work? And then I thought, and also Towa is there. And then I remembered Towa hates Ed and I laughed so hard I cried trying to envision Ed announcing that he's replacing Haru for the time being and Towa trying to electrocute him.

Ren and Ed would also be funny because as long as Ed leaves Ren alone I'm sure he'd be fine. And doubly so if he draws Towa's attention away from him. But I can't tell if after that it'd be funnier if Ren gets annoyed because Ed is actually high maintenance and if Towa isn't doing it then Ren definitely has to. And he'd hate that. OR Ed has seen all his movies and knows all his games and keeps trying to talk to him about it but in a way that pisses him off about it and he's like mad about that. Either way I can't imagine anyone in this house is happy about this arrangement and it's killing me to imagine.

Sinostra

You'll have to stick with me for this one because it's a very specific dynamic in my mind that I'm not very good at articulating but basically. Romeo is at first glad Taiga can't mess things up anymore (even though deep down he misses him) and glad Alan is capable of scaring people straight just by Looking but then Alan is like hey this operation isn't very honorable. It's a low blow to threaten and intimidate and cheat. And then they butt heads about it endlessly.

Which is why Ritsu has to come in and be the equalizer but Alan can't take him seriously because he's like you're way too skinny you have no muscle what is your diet what's your trianing like. Spar with me. And Ritsu, embarrassed and offended, is like ILL HAVE YOU KNOW IM WORKING ON IT. And Alan genuinely offers to help but Ritsu is too used to Taiga and lowkey assumes Alan is making fun of him. And Alan is sincere. So he keeps going.

Hotarubi

PLEASEEEE PICTURE IT. THINK ABOUT IT. Think about the Haku Taiga prologue dynamic and make that daily life. Now add in the fact that Hotarubi is meant to be traditional Japanese themes with grace and tranquility and then imagine Taiga is there and try to tell me that's not the funniest shit ever.

And then add in Zenji. We already know Taiga can see or sense more than others so I would bet everything he could probably sense Zenji in some way, which he honestly probably wouldn't care about but I think he'd care a lot about the doll or the biwa. Basically I think he'd try to eat it. I think he'd try to eat something and it would be chaos and hilarious and please just imagine the three of them together. Please. Please. Please.

Obscuary

House Simulator. This is the only truly fully functioning house with no problems outside of Lyca complaining about noise and annoyances and so on so forth. And that is because Rui and Haru are so used to doing like 100% of the work all the time that they both try to do it and end up finishing all the work in half the time since they've split it and now they randomly have free time??? And it's so strange??

Haru helps with breakfast and cleaning and taking care of the animals and chores and so forth and Rui helps with Peekaboo and relieving Haru's exhaustion and it's basically such a functioning pair that it's almost scary. Like Lyca is scared. But also Haru smells bad and is too high energy and LOUDDD so he's in his rebellious teenage phase atm.

Only downside is that Haru has too much bar access and has to be cut off but it's a small price to pay for a house that isn't up in flames by day one. Unfortunately it can't last bc Haru would miss his animals and Rui would feel too worried about hurting Haru so when they swap back both have made peace with it. And Lyca will still kick rocks they couldn't have Subaru.

Mortkranken

I think Subaru would become a legend very quickly but not because he's this secret medical genius but because he seems to have this uncanny ability to guess things. And the secret is that he is using his stigma fully on accident and seeing what they were up to and then Jiro is figuring it out from there. And he keeps trying to give Jiro credit but nobody will listen.

He's also squeamish. Like he can't handle blood so when Jiro is like 'Move that to the other table please' Subaru is happy to and moves this weird lump under a sheet and the sheet falls off and its a severed arm and Subaru faints. and Jiro laughs for a second before putting Subaru on the table and making sure he's like actually okay. And they are both very patient with one another and very cordial. But it's so so awkward. And Subaru honest to god does not know how to take care of Jiro and is constantly having to ask Yuri how to do things except Yuri is always occupied by Frostheim so Subaru has to follow Jiro's instructions and they are both praying Every Day.

And that's also why they're both happy when its over. Not because it was bad or they dislike each other but bc they're both glad Yuri will come back and it won't be Does Jiro Die Today Roulette. and then Subaru goes to Haku and grabs his shoulders and is likep lease do not start dying ill cry right in front of you forever. and Haku just nods slowly.

#tokyo debunker #eset td #tokyo debunker au #i dont want to tag individual characters #so if this gets no reach oh well

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mermaidfanficlibrary · 1 year ago

Note

Hello, Hello!!

I hope my request isn't much of a burden-- however, I was wondering if you could do a one-shot with the decay of angels(Fyodor, Nikolai, and Sigma) with a male reader who has white wings?

Quick rundown for the idea;

The reader is the leader of a different organization called the Aviators; the Reader doesn't exactly have an ability but they do have wings-- the reader and their group side with the Armed Detective Agency because reader is heavily in love with bringing people to Justice, like the Decay Of Angels; however, something goes wrong and the reader gets captured while the three DOA members figure out what to do with them.

You can choose if it's more yandere-like or violent, I don't mind, really!! I usually write requests longer but I'm in a rush <\\3

These wings bind me | Bungou Stray Dogs x Male Reader

Characters: Nikolai Gogol, Fyodor, Sigma

Summary: Those wings you had didn't even grant you freedom

Warnings: Yandere behavior, Gore, Obsessive behavior, manipulation, death, kidnapping

Taglist: @nightshade-clown

A/n: This is very Nikolai heavy because I am biased. Also, sorry, the wings aren't mentioned as much

Y/n was a big name in Yokohama, well, a moderately big name. He was a well-known justice bringer with his group called the Aviators. It was a group of people who thought everyone deserved freedom and the choice on where their wings take them. Some of them were like Y/n, with giant wings granting them flight through the sky.

But some had abilities that helped with bringing justice into the world. Y/n heavily believed in bringing justice to everything that tried to inflict on it. The Aviators seemed to be of decent popularity that even the ADA sought them out as an extra branch. The two organizations were seen as partner groups, essentially.

Y/n still did whatever he really wanted under his association, but he would give the ADA extra people when they needed them. The same went with the ADA sending the Aviators people when they required them. It was quite the relationship between the organizations. No one really expected it, since Y/n was more about vigilante work and the ADA worked with the government in a way.

But here is the leader of the Aviators, analyzing a case with some of ADA's best detectives. Dazai, Kunikida, Autsushi and Y/n were all lurking around the crime scene, looking for any form of evidence to link anyone or anything to the scene. Y/n was with Atsushi, as not wanting to deal with Dazai's shenanigans or Kunikida's harsh comments. Atsushi and Y/n were decent acquaintances and worked well with each other.

The two made basic small talk as they searched the crime scene and conversed with passerbys to see if any of them were a reliable witness. Atsushi left Y/n on his own to look for something, though Y/n didn’t know what. He was on his own, just standing out in the open, it seemed pretty safe with the amount of people around. However, there was something off, and Y/n felt it.

Something in him made his white iridescent wings fluff out in anxiety. None of Y/n’s associates were near bye, and that worried Y/n. No one was there to protect him if something bad were to happen, well, something incredibly bad. Y/n could fend for himself, he knew basic martial arts, but against ability users all he could really do was fly to avoid as many hits as he can until back up comes.

Y/n wasn’t completely helpless, but he preferred being with someone who could save him if he were in trouble. Y/n didn’t only feel just one pair of eyes on him, but multiple. They were watching him, marking his move and every twitch he made. But Y/n didn’t know who was watching him.

Just as the paranoia subsided, Y/n was swept away from where he was standing. The kidnapper knocked him out, and everything else was blurry in his head. Atsushi came back only to find where Y/n stood was blank. He wasn’t the only one who was worried, however.

Atsushi went to his two fellow co-workers and told them what had happened, both seemingly hid their panic on the inside. Those other pairs of eyes that kept a close watch on Y/n left, to find their dearly beloved Angel. The crime scene was left barren by both the ADA and the Decay of Angels. Both were on the hunt to get Y/n back.

Sigma, Nikolai, and Fyodor looked everywhere in Yokohama, all the places they knew Y/n might have been taken. But there was no luck, not until a few days later. It was late at night, and the three DOA members followed some of what passing witnesses said they heard or saw a couple of days before. There was a tiny sliver of hope in all three men.

Nikolai was the first to step into the abandoned shed that rested near a busy roadway. It was covered in foliage and trees, keeping the whole building a secret, or so it seemed. Nikolai, however, paid no mind to any of that, only focused on finding his Angel. Fyodor and Sigma only followed Nikolai, keeping the white haired man at a distance.

The two didn’t trust anything about this place. They were prepared for any form of attack from anyone. Nikolai wondered in, carefree, not caring about anything else other than his Angel. The three stopped in their tracks as they heard metal bars swishing around.

Nikolai ran in deeper into the building, stopping to marvel at the sight of a beautiful golden cage. What quickly knocked him out of the trance was the iridescent, feathered wings of his Angel. Nikolai felt angry that someone would do this to his Angel, no one should cage his dearly love up like this. He jumped up against boxes that were stacked to reach the cage.

Y/n was startled by the sudden stop of the cage he was trying to escape from. He looked outside the bar with teary, enraged eyes. He was met with piercing blue gray eyes that streamed raw anger, yet there was love that trickled lightly. Y/n was left so confused as he just stared deep into the eyes that looked back.

Y/n didn’t notice two others walking into the room that held him in the golden cage. The metal shined slightly with the whisps of moonlight beaming through the cracks of the wooden roof. Sigma glanced up to see Nikolai gazing at Y/n, holding the cage still. Something wasn’t right about the whole situation.

Fyodor felt the same as Sigma as the two shared a knowing look of imminent danger. They stood back to back, covering each other's blind spots. Nikolai used his ability to bring himself into the cage. Y/n was taken aback by what this man did, why bring himself into the cage?

Nikolai crouched down to meet Y/n’s face, a sickly smile graced his face. It unsettled the winged boy, he tried to move out of range, but he was stuck to the floor of the cage. He felt the touch of Nikolai, and it increased the anxiety that floating in him. He brought Y/n into a warm embrace, his smile not ceasing from his lips.

Nikolai gave the other two men a knowing look, and they nodded in agreement. The kidnapper seemed to notice the three and came out of the shadows. Their eyes gleamed with insanity, their laughing was incoherent to the three men and Y/n. Y/n’s fear was practically spilling out of his body, and Nikolai noticed.

“Don’t worry, my dear Angel, we’ll set you free!”

Y/n felt disgusted by that nickname, coming from a stranger. There was so much going on, he didn’t know what to make out of anything. Nikolai covered Y/n’s ears and brought him even closer to him. He silently whispered to him.

“No need to be scared, my Angel. Everything will be okay. You’re safe now! Sigma and Dotsoy have it all covered!”

Just behind Y/n, Sigma and Fyodor were fighting the kidnapper. Their anger was shown in their attacks, and it was scaring the kidnapper. The hood fell off, and it showed the face of the persecutor. Y/n glanced behind his back slightly and gasped as he saw the face of his kidnapper.

“How did you find this place?! I was sure I kept everything out of the public eye!”

Sigma’s face stayed flat, but his emotions were clear to both the kidnapper and Fyodor. Nikolai was too busy with Y/n and comforting him to even notice. Fyodor managed to immobilize the assailant, pinning him to the ground. Sigma walked closer, as he bent down.

“It’s easy for us to find what we want. Now you will pay for stealing from us.”

Sigma looked at Fyodor with an approving look. Y/n and Nikolai were watching from the cage, Nikolai waiting for a change to get Y/n out of said cage. He gripped Y/n harder, to a point it hurt, but he didn’t want to let the h/c haired boy go. Blood splattered everywhere, as Fyodor used his ability to get rid of this pest.

Y/n wasn’t shocked about the death and red soaking everything around him, but it amazed him how easily someone would end other's life. He has killed others before, but only because they were hurting and taking other’s freedom. Nikolai scooped Y/n into his slender arms, hopping out of the cage, unknown to Y/n how he did, but Y/n couldn’t get out of his grip. Y/n was then surrounded by Sigma and Fyodor.

Y/n tried to stand, but his legs were still asleep and he collapsed. Sigma caught him, being careful of his white wings. As Sigma stroked Y/n’s h/c hair, loving how it felt against his fingers. Fyodor was busy taking care of the dead body, and Nikolai was gently touching Y/n’s wings.

Y/n looked up at Sigma, with watery eyes glistening the little moonlight that let itself into the cracks. His lips quivered a bit, fear still settling in his heart after a traumatic event. Sigma brought one of his hands to cup Y/n’s cheek, wiping away tears that threatened to fall. Y/n’s voice was sweet and soft to the three men that surrounded him, they all slightly blushed, feeling honored to hear it.

“Why did you come and save me?”

Fyodor came back, gently walking to the side of Y/n. Y/n’s e/c eyes looked at Fyodor, he stopped slightly. Oddly enough, those e/c eyes froze Fyodor right in his place. He sighed, trying to keep Y/n’s eyes on him.

“Why wouldn’t we? We adore you, my dear.”

Y/n was so confused and look to all three men. He didn’t know who any of these people were and why they were here. The silence filled the building, making Y/n even more uneasy. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen to him.

Y/n looked back to Sigma, hoping he could bring himself to ask the most important question. For some reason, Y/n already knew the answer based on the grip Sigma had on him. The more Y/n slightly struggled to get out, the harsher Sigma’s grip became. The hope Y/n had was slowly diminishing.

“Can I go home now?”

The quiver in his voice was noticeable. Nikolai slightly hugged Y/n’s back as a big grin once again found its way to his face. He was noticeably giggling, seemingly finding the question Y/n asked funny. He brought a hand to pat the winged boy’s head.

“Oh, my dear Angel! Of course not! How else are we supposed to keep you safe if you go home? We can’t watch you every day now, can we?”

Y/n’s eyes widened, more questions and confusion were swirling in his head. Before Y/n could speak again, he was knocked out once again, but this time no one would come to save him. Fyodor carried the winged boy out of the building, leaving NIkolai and Sigma to walk behind him.

Y/n woke up in a dark room, nothing but a bed, a desk, and a bathroom as all that filled the room. The bit of light came from a small lamp on the desk. Y/n panicked and ran to the door, trying to open it, but to no avail. His wings fluffed out in panic, feathers falling due to the amount of stress Y/n was under.

Y/n fell to the ground, trying to hold in sobs. He was so busy with trying to not make a lot of noise, he didn’t notice the three people that came into the room. Y/n froze, feeling arms snake around his body. He frantically looked around and recognized the people as the ones who saved him.

Sigma looked down to Y/n, seeing the fear in his eyes. It did something to him, he cupped Y/n’s face and brought his lips to Y/n’s. Y/n’s e/c eyes widened with fear, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to push Sigma away. Fyodor and Nikolai kissed Y/n’s cheeks softly, trying to calm the boy down.

Sigma spoke up, his voice was warm and loving.

"No need to worry anymore my doll, you are safe now. No one will take you from us. Never again."

Y/n choked back sobs. He didn't understand what went wrong. He remembered being with Atsushi, and somehow it came to him being caged once more.

What irony this was, wanting to bring freedom to others and not having any of his own.

Do not repost or translate without my explicit permission! Reblogs are welcome!

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artificial-transmutations · 3 months ago

Text

Out Now: Dam Breakers

Hello everyone! I'm extremely excited (and, quite frankly, more than a bit nervous) to announce that I finished my fantasy romance novel Dam Breakers!

For the very TLDR-version: It is available here! Be sure to read the disclaimer below, though.

First of all, thank you! Everyone who reads my stories or likes them shows me that there is at least some interest in my mediocre writing. And even though the novel is not exactly like my stories here (more to that later), it gives me hope that you and other people might like it.

Now, for the actual novel!

Dam Breakers is the tale of Jared, a rather normal modern day college student, and Aleron, an apprentice mage living in a secluded tower with his teacher. One fateful day, they meet and are drawn into a maelstrom of magic, change and love - and dark secrets threatening to destroy everything they loved.

With over 120000 words, this is not only my longest story yet, but also my most carefully crafted one. I will attach an image of my Obsidian graph for the story at the end of the post.

Disclaimer:

As I have mentioned, it is a bit different from the stories I usually post here. First and foremost, it's a lot tamer. This novel isn't meant as a porn piece, but as an intriguing fantasy and romance tale. While there is love, desire and sex, of course, it's way more sparse and less explicit than, for example Closer Than Flesh.

It also features transformation themes, and the concept of change is one of the main focus points of the book, but, again, don't expect 500 pages full of transforming bodies because of it :)

And, finally, for a multitude of reasons, it does not contain AI generated images. I wouldn't be able to generate any that do the story justice, anyway.

Now that you know what not to expect, here are some things you MAY expect:

Transformation. Both in the sense of bodily changes but intriguing character development as well.

Gay Love. This is a story about two men from different worlds falling in love with each other, and their stony road to being together.

Magic. It's a fantasy story, and a truly enchanting one at that, with a fresh concept of magic and change.

Story. Last, but certainly not least, it's a good and interesting read, at least according to my opinion. Since I might be a bit biased here, let me tell you that my beta readers agree.

If you still want to read it (and I hope you do!), then you can grab your copy here:

If you are not in the US, you can just replace the .com with, for example, .co.uk to go to your local Amazon marketplace

I have not forgotten, of course, that I promised a special condition for you folks at Tumblr. Since Amazon makes it a bit difficult to actually implement that, I plan to offer a time limited discount or giveaway in a few weeks. I'll announce the exact time here on my blog beforehand.

If you really want to support me, it would mean a lot to me if you could leave a review on Amazon. That influences the algorithm a lot and helps the book get visibility, which is incredibly important . So, please, if you like the book, leave a review.

Teaser / Preview (mild spoilers)

And here is a short look into the book, from chapter 4. It contains some mild spoilers, but nothing too important. I also added an AI image, which is not in the book (see above).

[...]

Even though the weather was unstable, Jared enjoyed the journey through the vibrant spring land. It was a closeness to nature he had never experienced. Even back home with his parents, in rural Texas, the land had seemed different. Back there, the wilderness had been tamed decades if not centuries ago. There was no wonder, no adventure. Here, there were hills and forests, rivers and bogs, and who knew what else. It was as if Jared was seeing the world for the first time. Not to mention the smell. Jared could not remember a time when he had smelled the spring air like this.

In addition to the landscape, Jared's traveling companion also played a big part. Aleron was an intelligent and witty conversationalist, and Jared learned a lot about his new friend. They spoke of everything under the sun, and Jared told stories of his home, of modern inventions and the differences between this world and his. Even though Aleron was fascinated by his tales, he was also clearly skeptical about some of them, especially when it came to the more complex topics. That was only fair, though, as Jared himself had a hard time believing the fantastic stories of this world, even after having experienced some with his own eyes. Dragons, for example. It didn't matter how often Aleron recited what little information he had about those magnificent beasts, something in Jared resisted fully believing in them. He hoped that he would be able to see one of them for real - although Aleron repeatedly stressed how dangerous they were - in order to be able to fully believe in them.

While Aleron's world was certainly magical, it wasn't all like in the Lord of the Rings. There were, for example, no other humanoid races, as Jared learned. No elves, dwarves or orcs, at least to Aleron's knowledge, which, to be fair, mainly included the Kingdom of Myrthien. Although the Whispering Woods were not technically a part of Myrthien, and were generally considered wilderness, it was clear that they were no part of another nation either. The closest neighboring country to the Whispering Woods would either be the Golden Isles beyond the coast south of Eldoria or the Verdant Lands to the west. According to Aleron, the Verdant Lands couldn't really be considered a nation, too. It was more of a loose confederation of tribal communities, living in the characteristic dense forests of that region.

As Helena had promised, Luminara wasn't difficult to find. The capital of Myrthien was well known and if there was a sign post somewhere, it was sure to point to Luminara.

There was no shortage of smaller and bigger settlements, and about every third or fourth night they were able to sleep in beds. During the other nights, they made camp a bit off the road in order not to attract too much attention. It was one of those nights, about two weeks after they had left Eldoria, that Jared woke up in the middle of the night. Aleron, who was sleeping next to him, was moving in his sleep and occasionally made a sound, which had caused Flicker to gain a bit of distance to the sleeping man.

It was clear to Jared that his friend was dreaming, and he briefly considered waking him up from his nightmare. However, judging by the sounds, Jared began to suspect that Aleron was not having a nightmare but quite the opposite, although the dream seemed to be just as intense.

Quietly, he left the tent, careful not to wake the sleeping mage. Outside, he was greeted by the stars and a clear sky with an almost full moon. The campfire was almost dead, just a few embers and ashes were left. It was a quiet, peaceful night, and Jared decided to go to the nearby lake to drink. Aleron had never once shown a single sign of sexuality before, except for demonstrating a certain uneasiness around nudity and related topics. He never had commented on any woman - or man - in a suggestive way, so Jared had been half- convinced that this whole topic didn't have any relevance to the mage at all.

Of course, for his own reasons, Jared had avoided the subject as well, so, perhaps Aleron thought the same about him. Jared didn't mind that. As magical as this world was, he had yet to encounter a single sign of same-sex attraction. Perhaps this wasn't a thing here, biologically, or perhaps it was socially frowned upon, like in his world's medieval ages - or rural Texas, present day. In any case, there was absolutely no reason to bring that topic up, so he didn't. Not bringing up his sexuality was a sport he was very experienced in for 9 years straight now, after all.

As Jared neared the lake, he was feeling weird and tingly all over. It was not entirely unpleasant, but it stirred a vague memory in Jared. He had felt this feeling once before, but he couldn't quite recall when.

When he bent down to scoop some water into his hand, he stopped before his fingers touched the surface of the lake. The moon was bright, and Jared could see his reflection in the mirror-smooth water quite well. The only problem was that it was not him who was looking back at him.

Of course, there was a strong resemblance, but the details weren't right. His face looked somewhat stronger, his jawline a bit squarer. His hair a bit lighter and styled like the day he first stepped out of the mirror. On his chin, there was a short well-groomed beard even though he had shaved just last morning. It wasn't just his face, though. As he looked down on himself, he looked fitter than he should, as if he was visiting a gym regularly. In fact, the definition of muscle on his torso increased further, just as he was watching. Suddenly, the wonder was replaced by fear. He had felt that way before, and now he remembered when. It had been during his first visit to Aleron's world, when his body was 'destabilizing' as Aleron had put it. Given, the feeling had been stronger then, but it was definitely the same. And now, his body was changing again, and he was weeks of travel from the magic mirror.

Half-panicking, he sprinted back to the tent, not caring about being quiet anymore. Perhaps Aleron knew what to do! He ducked into the entrance and called out to the mage.

"Aleron, wake up!"

Almost immediately, the apprentice jolted awake. "Jared? What is wrong?"

"I... don't know, it's me. Look at me!"

After a few words of encouragement, Flicker began burning brighter, allowing them to see in the tent as well. Aleron looked at the half-naked Jared critically for a few moments before asking: "Okay... what am I looking for?"

"Can't you see? I'm..." However, as Jared looked down on himself, everything was fine again. He was looking at his plain old self, just as he should look like. The tingling feeling was gone, too.

"Oh." Jared felt incredibly stupid all of a sudden. "I... must have been imagining things."

[...]

If you liked the teaser, be sure to give the whole thing a read :)

Let me close with another whole-hearted Thank You for your continued interest!

Stay awesome!

And here, as promised, a peek at the creative complexity of the story:

#male transformation #muscle transformation #romance #not a story

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