#he should be hooked like a cocaine addict

[dragonsisterofthemanyfandoms]

I think we as a society aren't paying attention enough to exactly how FUCKING TOUCH-STARVED Aaravos must be. That man hasn't been touched in over 300 years, probably more. If you hugged him he'd probably melt. Where are all my clingy!Aaravos fics? Huh? He should be constantly trying to either touch or manipulate his partner into touching him in some way. Pulling every trick he knows just to get some cuddles. Or just straight up demanding it because he's the boss or whatever makes it seem more in character. Give me an incredibly touch-starved Aaravos who cannot get enough physical affection after some poor fool gives it to him a singular time! Make him desperate after so many years being lonely in solitary confinement for high crimes and misdemeanors!

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[blueberrypancakesworld]

A lot of drugs and no words

Doflamingo x Crocodile

warning : doing cocaine, smoking, alcohol, mentioning of sex , implied darker themes , kissing, some blood

Summary : Drugs. One with nicotine, the other with cocaine. Two men who rule an empire but at the end of the day are not only bound to their addictions but also to each other.

Info : So it took longer than expected till I write again for the amazing @pocketwei the one-shot is inspired by THIS amazing beautiful art. Check out her blog and have fun reading everyone :)

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Two kings. Two kings in their own way, trapped in a world they had long since given up trying to escape. At some point in their youth, they had started looking for something that would take away their feelings, their gnawing, their pain, their insecurity and their lives for a few moments.

The one in the heat of Alabastia, running a company and taking over an entire country, eventually got on his nerves, on the nerves that could only ever hold out as much as he could.

The sun sometimes made him crazy, he swore he started to see that bastard, that grin that haunted him like a fatamorgan when he didn't reach for the nicotine, that sometimes wooden, sometimes leathery smell of the cigar. Inhaling the nicotine it took to make him forget for a moment to calm down. To get his nerves back in order to organize his thoughts as best he could until it started all over again.

To rule this city anew every day until he would meet him again, the two of them, the man who would not let him go. The one who wouldn't let him go at the execution, when the two of them had not only united for the first time but had also shed blood.

The look at his golden hook confirmed this again and again and every time he looked into the grinning face he knew how vulnerable the King of Dressrosa really was.

A boy, a spoiled boy with a trauma, a brother and a lack of moral standards when it came to sex. But maybe that was what made him so attractive Crocodile never knew for sure but as he let the smoke escape from between his lips and looked at the letter between his ringed fingers he knew that another meeting was not only inevitable but imminent.

But he would take care of that when he had smoked the cigar to the last shred. His blond angel would have to wait until the nicotine had completely taken hold of him.

Before he dissolved in the sand and took the embers of the burnt cigar with him, knowing that when he reformed he would meet the two fallen kings.

To his amusement, the first thing he heard was the almost disinterested tone of the made-up man. ,,The junkie is in the room...I'd be a little careful," he heard the voice of Corazon, who was prevented from continuing down the hallway of the annex with the appearance of the King of Alabastia.

Crocodile had only an almost pitying smile for him, knowing what the two brothers were doing Corazon was a substitute for him until the crocodile would approach the bird himself.

Before he passed the blond, he let his hand wander over the younger one's cheek and saw the blow that was rewarded with a kiss afterwards, the lipstick still visible. The two would never learn, but at the end of the day it wasn't Crocodile who would come between them and his past.

He was only here for one of them and that should be enough. Unheeding, he continued down the corridors until he came to the door behind which the blond would be. He went in without knocking, knowing that Doflamingo would be waiting for him anyway.

,,Well, if it isn't for my-well, you must always have that smell on you!" the blond interrupted himself, looking up from his Wine glass and already preparing himself for a charge of white powder. ,,Do you always have to make that noise?" Crocodile dagged, closing his eyes in annoyance for a moment as the snorting noise could be heard. The blond leaned over to pull the drug from his table, disregarding his lover who pulled out another cigar in return.

He held the lighter underneath and began to smoke his cigar, which he knew the blond hated. But what did it matter, they both hated each other in one way or another. ,,Then stop burning your lungs...besides, we both know why you're here," mumbled Dofi, leaning back against the couch and forgetting his surroundings for a moment.

The twist of drugs, one seeking redemption, the other peace and quiet. Crocodile ignored the words and made his way to the couch and stood between him and the table with the drugs. He and Corazon were part of the wall that kept the blond from killing himself.

Because even if his lungs gave up at some point, they would all give up and die at some point, but that would still take time and so they still had enough time to get angry until none of them were left. ,,Then let's start with a kiss," Crocodile said before he blew the smoke out of the blond's mouth, his hands wrapped around the pommel, holding it in place, his eyes narrowed behind his glasses and his grin almost widened.

,,Before we tear each other apart," Doflamingo finished the other's sentence before their lips met and the taste of the smoke met the slightly bitter taste of the cocaine. The two united for the most infinite meal under the influence of drugs, love and everything without words.

~~~~~~~~~

[diescm]

HYPERFIXATING/INFO DUMPING ON DORIANS LORE WITH THIS SONG UNDER THE CUT 🗣🗣🗣

[Tw. Cult activity, abuse, drugs, mild gore, death]

But happy ending :]

So obviously Dorian's history with quadrants has been messy as hell to be polite about it. He's never really had quite the handle on any kind of relationship At All. I mean he's abandoned as a grub by his parents in Tyranius, he gets adopted by Estele and of course she loves him like he's her flesh and blood but the only counter to her overwhelming love is Monroes overwhelming hate for having to share her mother's already shared attention.

He's been taken care of by this fushia woman, Estele, but Monroe never let's him get comfortable enough to consider himself family and Sienna doesn't do much to help because Monroe is doing the same to him and he's ACTUALLY blood related. So it's a "I would help but I don't want things to get even worse" situation. So it's a constant back and forth of "I am being provided for and I'm being taken care of and I don't lack any material things or necessities" while also "I am not wanted in this home regardless but it's not what my clown friend is going through so I should stay put"

So when he gets told if he joins The Vipers, he'll have a place where he actually Belongs and he Is Wanted- of COURSE he's going to leave. Of COURSE he is. He wants nothing more than to belong somewhere and to be protected and wanted and liked.

Obviously The Vipers will never really provide that for him, but he's already left, he can't go crawling back to the Depoti's and face Monroe. So in his desperation to have a family he's telling himself these people are just different and he's having a hard time adjusting from having all his needs met all the time to only having them met when Itward remembers to do that.

So now in the absence of security of his needs and familiarity, of COURSE he's going to latch onto Corpse once he also runs away and joins the Vipers for the Same Reasons. Of COURSE Corpse is going to let him. They're the only things that the other has that feels safe. They know each other, they KNOW they won't treat each other how others treat them, and they know that they're always going to stick together.

Before they started cycling through quadrants though Dorian already had a bad relationship with Itward- Itward saw him as an investment and expansion for The Vipers. If he gets Dorian loyal to him and he ends up being a Rainbowdrinker, he'd be one step closer to being untouchable. So Dorian, in lack of any family, in lack of being wanted, in lack of being loved, when Itward shows favor to him over other Vipers, now he's being Wanted, he's being Loved. Itward becomes an almost fully fledged father figure to him. And Itward knows this, he plays into it- but as little as he can. He does Not care for Dorian and he's waiting for him to Die so he can play savior and have him do bis bidding ad a rainbowdrinker.

By now Dorian and Corpse, two 16 year olds in a gang full of dysfunctional adults, now recognize their attachment to each other. They Need each other to survive The Vipers. But everybody around them is either in a quadrant, fucking, or fighting each other for being in a precious quadrant.

So now they become Red, cause neither of them can recognize that what they're feeling is familial love, the want and need to protect each other because they're all the other has. All they know is that they love each other more than Moirails are supposed to. But they were uncomfortable doing anything major as matesprits, so they broke up but they didn't hate each other, so they become moirails.

And it flips back and forth like that while they're simultaneously now being introduced to drugs and violence. Dorian is eager to please Itward while Corpse gets addicted to cocaine, alcohol and sopor, Dorian gets hooked on the same but he doesn't get it as often because Itward doesn't let The Vipers sell to him since he's his prized lamb. Dorian is in a loop of binging and withdrawl monthly, his relationship with Corpse is deteriorating while he buys more and more into Viper propaganda.

This is when Carlah joins. Who is ALSO looking for a place where she can belong and EXIST without being constantly reminded that her caste will get her killed. She had that kind of sanctuary with Dallas, but he never would have let her join The Blades and he was just Gone for a year already.

Carlah fills the void that Dorian is leaving in Corpse, they get along great, and they seek comfort in each other the more that they get dragged along and abused by Itward. Carlah is turned into a savage dog who's only purpose is to kill, Corpse is losing the only two people he's ever felt loved by. Corpse and Dorian break up, Corpse suggests a moirailligence with Carlah. She refuses because she "isn't going to be another dorian" to him. She recognizes that she's being used by Itward, she will not let herself be used by someone else she's supposed to trust, but they're still each other's safe space and their relationship actually becomes even stronger without the label of a quadrant.

Corpse and Dorian cycle though red, pale, pitch, every month or two from then on until Dorian is killed by Itward. It's MONTHS. Of Corpse being alone and surviving while Dorian is healing and resurrecting after Itward quite literally guts him like a fish and leaves him to his own devices. Carlah is getting worse by the week with Itward getting her dependent on cocaine and putting her through withdrawals so she'll be even more dependent on HIM in return.

Now suddenly Dorian is back and he's Itwards little lap dog. Hes so different. He does anything Itward tells him, he abandons Corpse frequently for Itward. He's always sick but never addresses it, his drug use is the worst it's ever been.

When Carlah leaves Corpse is empty, he goes back to Dorian for comfort but he's met with Dorian being upset he abandoned him for Carlah. Corpse resents him for abandoning him for Itward and fooling around with other guys. Which Dorian was doing so he could feel wanted again in Corpse's absence.

They become pitchmates in their mutual desperation to have a relationship again but having no idea how to make that happen.

Shortly after Carlah leaves, Itward dissapears and leaves The Vipers on Dorians shoulders, he has no fucking idea what he's doing. Every passing night his and Corpse's relationship is strained more and more, and theve settled on pitchmates for a while. When they stop in Authorius,

Oh, when they stop in Authorius.

Dorian meets Ray. And it is fucking over for Corpse. Dorian is always going to his shop to talk to him, he's getting Ray gifts, he's flirting with him, he's inviting him to stay at his hotel room- and as he's doing all of that Corpse is, once again, left to run the Vipers entirely on his own.

He could not resent Dorian more. For everything he's done in the past years, for everything he didn't do, he can't stand him but he would never forgive himself if something happened to him while he was messing with Ray so he sticks around.

By now, they've met with Carlah again, and she's working for Johlan Devira. Carlah and Corpse reconnect, she wants less than nothing to do with Dorian. Carlah, offers a moirailligence to Corpse now that she's in a better spot, and this time Corpse doesn't take it, but he thinks about it.

Soon though Corpse meets Kia. Now it's all fucking over for Dorian. It takes a few months, since they keeping coming in and out of town, but once Corpse and Kia become mates Corpse drops the Vipers and Dorian ENTIRELY.

So now Dorian is learning to actually run the Vipers alone without any support.

In that arc, he and Ray become mates, but the relationship is still strained since he's in and out of town so much. It's only when Ray gets frustrated with him that he realizes, now that he's more mature and in a much better position than before, he has to actually figure out how quadrants Really work.

And Ray means the entire world to him. He's the first Good mate he's had he's the first Good Quadrant he's had. He would kill for Ray, he would do absolutely anything for him.

Even dissolve the Vipers.

So now, Dorian and Ray are living together. But Kia and Ray are friends, so he still hears about Corpse, but he never sees him. Corpse doesn't talk about Dorian, he never talks To him, he never sees him, he never asks about him.

They have been through so much they've been through EVERYTHING together and Corpse is acting like he doesn't even EXIST. And this goes on FOR. YEARS. From Corpse AND Carlah. They both resent Dorian for what he represents, what he became, what he idolized and what he followed but he's CHANGED and they refuse to acknowledge it. He didn't go through as much as they did sure but he DIED. ITWARD KILLED HIM AND THEN LITERALLY LEFT HIM FOR DEAD IN A WAREHOUSE AND HE HAD TO STUMBLE HIS WAY BACK TO THE VIPERS IN A STARVED FRENZY. ITWARD ALSO HURT HIM.

He didn't take his horns, he didn't threaten to send him back to the church he came from, he didn't threaten to report him for mutant culling but Dorian was left just as damaged as Corpse and Carlah. It's so frustrating to see probably the ONLY people in the WORLD that can understand what you went through turn their backs on you like YOU were the one at fault.

.

.

.

But, of course, everything heals with time.

When they're ready, when they're ALL ready, they start over. They've all changed significantly, and it's time they've given themselves second chances.

Dorian and Corpse are close again, they still care deeply for each other, they ways have, but they've sworn off any Quadrants, Carlah and Corpse are thriving moirails. Dorian has reconnected with Estele and Sienna, and Monroe is doing all she can to make up for how she was when she was younger.

So, when Dorian joins the Blades.

God. When he joins The Blades.

It's everything that he was promised from The Vipers and MORE. It's an actual family, people do care for each other and look out for one another, Dallas does actually care about Dorian as a Blade and as a SON. Dorian finally feels like he BELONGS somewhere, like he's NEEDED but more importantly he's WANTED. People worry about him, they think he's fun to be around- he doesn't have to constantly cater to all of them so he doesn't get reprimanded or punished, he's loved and accepted as he is, and Dallas would never fucking kill him.

He has Everything he's ever wanted. He has a support system, he has friends, he has a mate that loves him, he has a SON. He has a DAD. HE HAS A GRANDAD THAT LOVES HIM TOO.

ABRLSHSKDBSKDJDN I LOVE HIM SO DEARLY MY LITTLE GREASER SHITHEAD I HOPE HES HAPPY FOREVER ANS EVER AND EVER

[ogden-narrator]

The cut of the stolen time capsule videos starts with a close up on Ida Clarke, the blonde wagging her finger before speaking.

@idaclarke:  “This place ain’t your friend.”

It cuts to black for a split second, before cutting to the next video.

@sassa-fiske: “People aren’t who they say they are. They aren’t who they pretend to be. Trust me. Nothing and no one is what they seem.”

And again, and again, as it cycles through what seems like everyone’s submitted videos. 

@anyaexe: “You’re here for four years, and from that point onwards most of these people won’t spare you a single thought.”

@charfletchh: “Fuck it.” You see her consider it briefly before lifting up her top and flashing her chest.

@leakywright: “Fuck bitches, get money.”

@snxwflxwers: “Do cocaine. Cheat on your finals. Sleep with your best friend's partner. Try your best not to get stabbed in the back, but I'm sure you will anyway. None of this actually matters, all your parents will pay so nothing ever ruins your damn lives."

@defavorise: “Don’t disappear without a trace and leave a bunch of cryptic notes for your peers to find. It’s dramatic and fucking weird and it’s already been done.” 

@sebmorrison: “My best piece of advice… don’t waste a second of it, because you never know when it’s gonna end.”

@ironlvngs: “This school is boring as fuck. So boring, that a missing girl from campus must have been the most interesting thing to happen to it since I started. And it's no wonder she had to slip and run away from here the way that she did.”

@aletheapierce: “Everyone you encounter has so much more going on under the surface. Be careful, be kind, and maybe spend some time exploring what’s there. Then maybe they won’t surprise you in ugly ways.”

@jacqui-velazquez: “Jesse made me feel like I mattered. And then it turned out it was all just…fake. A game for him. A literal bet. And once he won, he just ghosted. Even though I was…”

@jessehart: “I was fucking this girl who had a boyfriend for pretty much all of my Sophomore year. And I’m not sorry. It was fun, we had fun together. The secrecy and the sneaking around is fun. And you know what? I’ll do it again next year.”

@aceofportsmouth: “I’m just another brat.”

@milonavarroo: “If you manage to look around you and every single person has their back turned, you should look inward and you will probably find the reason why."

@court-mills: “I feel like I’ve gotten so addicted to the feeling of people actually liking me.”

@cinnamonfm​: “I’m overworked and exhausted. I’m constantly trying to live up to some invisible standard that I’m not quite sure I meet.”

@rhia-falla​: “I used to think I existed for a boy. To love him and heal him, to give him every part of me. But people aren’t toys to be fixed. It doesn’t work like that. All I did was break myself trying to be needed by him.”

@walshparker​: “How often do you run into your ex—a serious ex—after they’d hooked up with someone else, find out you were completely wrong about a person, bite back… intense guilt in front of a friend, and finally feel like you’re going somewhere with someone who really excites you? All in one night?”

@ollieinoue​: “One day you can be getting stoned in your room after a party and some scrawny little shit head from South Dakota will walk in and suddenly maybe you don't want to die as much as you used to…But I guess there is a lot of shit I still haven't told him. Like, I'm just really … Forget it.”

@dantebsinferno​: “I like fucking guys. Change that, I love it. I don’t care if they are in me or I’m in them, it’s the best shit.”

@rileyvander4rd​: “You made a big mistake and if you're smart, you'll fix it. If not, I guess I'll see you fifty years from now.... when I look almost as hot as I do now and you're regretting every life decision you ever made since the day you chose to view me as a commodity.”

@mari-zuko​: “I thought I loved her.” 

@pi-mimi-for-hire​: “Life sucks. You can’t escape it.”

@nataliavega​: “Since these look way better now than they will then…” Nat’s fingers bunched around the hem of her shirt before she lifted it and her bra up, flashing her bare chest at the camera.

@montyrichler​: “Ogden’s dogshit. Sorry you didn’t make the cut for Yale."

The video cut to black again, this time staying black for longer, a few seconds ticked by, letting everything the viewer had just seen sink in, before a familiar blonde’s face appeared on screen. 

“You see,” Greer Morrison started, eyes distant even with the easy-going smile on her face. “People think the way to get close to me is to let me in on their secrets. But they never once tried to figure out mine.”

“And god, I have so many,” the golden girl said, letting out a low laugh, the sound contagious, just as it always had been when she was actually around. “Like...for example, things are over between my boyfriend. Maybe he doesn’t realize it yet, but if he hasn’t figured it out by the end of the summer….” 

And with that, the video cut, this time turning to black for good, leaving everyone wondering - what else had Greer shared on that tape? 

[myafterlifeisbetterthenyours]

I've seen plenty of romantic love here but how about some platonic stuff? characters becoming friends with a freshly arrived sinner?

The only "ship" we need, is a "friend-ship"

Angel Dust

Angel wasn't the easiest person to be friends with.

Sure, everyone thinks it would be great. 'Being friends with the biggest Pornstar in Hell, that should be awesome.'

But all the people who say that shit, just think they'll be fuckin him whenever they want.

Sure, Angel was a good guy, and genuinely cared for his friends, but a real friendship with Angel came with a lot of baggage. Emotional baggage.

And it could be frustrating.

It was easy for Cherri bomb, the girl going out on joyrides and comfort him with the really bad shit.

But you were there, sifting through all the shit in-between.

You were there for him.

There when he needed a place to stay, or when he was trying to get off some seriously bad shit and was suffering throught the cold sweats and shivers.

There for him during the episodes, when he saw everyone as the enemy.

There to patch him up after Valentino had smacked him around.

Helping him when he'd been through the ringer, when he was covered in various fluids, from various demons.

Sometimes it getting so bad, you actuallu to cover your nose while carrying him to the shower. Using some of the fancy soaps and shampoos you kept at your place just for him.

Youd get him all cleaned up, making sure he was properly clean and dried out.

If he was still concious enough, you'd try and get him to eat, the Spider usually able to keep some of it down.

But regardless of how much he ate, you'd get him to bed.

You'd always give him your bed, knowing full well hed likely be annoyed by it. But you knew he needed a proper bed for the night.

And there was always a solid chance that he'd want you to stay, reaching out and holding yoy as he slept.

The next day there was only ever a 50/50 chance he be gone, the spider usually leaving a note as thanks.

You didn't like those mornings. You knew where he was going.

Straight back to Valentino.

But the morning that he'd stay, you liked because you could be there. Making him breakfast and making sure he eats it.

You were something of an authority figure for him. Getting him in line, at least when your together, trying to clean him up even just a little bit.

Your time with Angel was always sweet, the Spider having a special charm to him. And while he usually hid behind an overly affectionate and people pleasing persona.

With you, he could be real.

He'd never admit it, but with you, he could be vulnerable.

And you tried... you tried so hard, to help him.

You were there every chance he needed you. Every time he called, asking for a ride, or to borrow some money you knew he couldn't pay back, you helped him.

But even you had your limits.

One day, when he showed up asking for a place to shack up for the night, you let him in.

And after making dinner, helping him as much as you could. And when he asked for money, you got it together... put it into an envelope.

You put it in front of him, sat across from him and apologised.

You told him you were sorry, but you couldn't do it anymore.

You were so sorry that you couldn't help him, but you couldn't support him anymore.

You still loved him, he was a good guy, and if his ass was in the fire, your door was open. But you just could support him anymore. You couldn't keep fixing him up just for him to go and get broken again and again.

You could help him get off cocaine, just for him to go out and get hooked on something worse. Each time the spider promising to gett of the really bad shit only to turn up with some new addiction.

You were sorry, but as much as you loved him, you could bare to see him do that to himself.

Angel was of course, devastated.

You were one of the few people in Hell that he could honestly say he cared about.

You were always, ALWAYS, there for him. And to know he'd finally broken that, it truly broke his heart.

He was sullen the rest of the evening, finishing his meal and going to bed.

You, as always, taking the couch.

It was late in the night when you awoke, finding Angel sitting over you.

He was teary eyed, pain stakingly telling you he was so sorry.

He was so sorry for always being such a fuck up. For always ruining everything. For fucking around and always losing everything he cared about.

For losing you.

You weren't a fool. You weren't some sap that could be manipulated by a few crocodile tears.

But you knew Angel. And you knew when he was being genuine. And in that moment he was genuinely sorry.

You got up, holding him close as you consoled him, the spider burying his face in your chest as he sobbed profusely, apologising over and over.

The next day was... awkward. The two of you not sure where to go.

Getting up, you stepped in front of him, pulling him into a hug.

He held on close, apologising again, you just telling him it was alright, but getting better was his choice.

It wouldn't be for a few months before you saw him again. When he called up, excitedly telling you he was getting better.

Supposedly The Daughter of LUCIFER was running a reformation clinic. Or 'Happy Hotel' as she called it to make sinners better.

And while initially, you just asked what he was taking, you were shocked when he suddenly appeared at your front door.

He ran in, the spider being as lively as you'd ever seen.

He seemed so excited, the two of you sitting down and as he told you all about it.

Telling you about Charlie's plan and how he'd finally be getting better, and with it being Lucifers daughter he wouldn't have to worry about Valentino.

You told him how happy you were for him, telling him you really believed he could do it.

The two of you sat there for a moment, the spider rubbing his neck before timidly asking if you were still friends.

You chuckled, pulling him close, telling him, of course, you'd always be friends.

Sir Pentious

Your meeting was rather simple.

Pentious was flying about in his air ship, as giant demon snake tend to do, and had to make a pit stop to check on the external systems of the ship.

As he did such, going about making sure his baby was in tip top shape, you walked up.

And while initially he had planned to scare you off, expecting you to be there to mock or heckle him. Only to be shocked when you began to utterly fawn over the ship.

You went on a whole tangent, absolutely gushing over it.

He kind of just sat there, awkwardly accepting the praise, honestly not used to someone thinking anything he did was 'cool'.

Eventually you got to talking, you utterly beaming when he offered to take you for a ride.

You naturally agreed, the serpent taking you to the air.

You were so giddy, so excited to be flying through the air, even the usually serious serpent found himself affected by your giddiness.

Eventually you made it back to his manor, the two of you spending the next few hours just hanging out In his workshop. You fawning over his many inventions, the naked just eating up every complement you gave him.

The snake was so giddy when you basically declared him the Coolest demon in Hell.

You had told him you should hang out again, the snake amazed that you would want to spend more time with him.

You gave him your number and offered to hang out any time, the snake eagerly telling you he would.

And not even a week later he called you up, the snake was rather shy about the whole thing, anxiously asking you'd still like to 'hang out' with him.

You quickly agreed, arriving not long after.

Pentious wasn't used to doing things like 'hanging out' with others.

The demon having been obsessed with his goal of becoming the greatest overlord in Hell that he had no social life.

But with you, he calmed down, you teaching him the art of 'Chilling out'.

The snake quickly came to see you as his best friend, you being the only person he'd come across that didn't make fun of him.

You weren't a master of mechanics like him, but you would always humor him, letting him go on his little tandems, explaining some new invention or other, this one sure to secure him victory.

You would of course throw in your two bits.

Sometimes adding something you think would be cool, or pointing out an obvious flaw that would likely save his ass.

You were no fighter, at least for the most part, and considering the demons he picked fights with, you kept to the side lines.

You were also there when he lost, often times being called up when he needed a place to stay.

Youd drive to where he was, finding the snake battered and bruised, usually with a few surviving Egg Bois.

You load him into your car, driving him back to your place.

When there, you get him into your place, carefully setting him down and tending to his injuries.

Pentious really came to confide in you, you being... his only friend.

The only person he could really trust not to make fun of him for his insecurities.

And there were many.

This guy was basically shit on by the entire city, and he still got up every morning, determined to prove them wrong.

You respected that. And really didn't want him to lose that spark that made him Him.

So, you did everything to help, often times acting as a one person cheer squad. Helping him keep his chin up and pushing him to get out there.

You would also help him with his image, taking him out for new attire, getting him new suites, and hats, although he just modified his own.

And honestly, he looked dapper as Hell, the Snake having a newfound confidence.

And with some feedback and a little self control, Pentious actually won once in a while, the snake having a newfound confidence, with you to thank for it.

Stolas

Stolas... didn't have friends.

Being a member of the Ars Goetia, meant he didn't have friends, as much as he had 'people who didn't want to kill him'.

And so, when you, a fellow noble met, almost instantly bonded over his beloved flora, he was greatly surprised at just how friendly you were.

Of course, he was still hesitant with you. Not fully trusting royalty, as strange as that sounded.

But you were genuinely friendly. Like more then he expected from Nobility. You seeming to actually enjoy spending time with him.

Youd spark up and even hold conversations with him, and you didn't even ask for anything in return.

The two of you spent lots of time together, and while initially he expected to be all business, you ended up spending lots of time in his garden, the owl surprised at how genuinely interested you seemed to be.

And while still ever so suspicious, the two of you would end up spending lots of time together, you often having tea together.

And while Stolas did like having you around, greatly enjoying your time together, he couldn't help but ask what angle you were playing.

While initially confused, You told him, you had no angle, instead considering him to be a friend... unless he felt otherwise.

He was honestly surprised you would so freely consider him a friend. Normally friendship was reserved for a political alliance, the title of friendship but he was quick to ask what you expected in return.

The owl even more surprised when you just openly laughed, telling him you didn't really expect anything. You just liked spending time with him, and he seemed to enjoy it as well, so that was fine by you.

The owl was so touched that you considered him a friend, and as such took your relationship very seriously.

The two of you would spend lots of time together. You being his very first friend he'd ever had, meant he had so many new things he could do with his time, able to share it with another.

You were also a great help with his daughter, being a more neutral observer, able to give you the ability to tell him what was likely the best way to act around his moody teenage daughter.

He would also confide in you about his almost none existent relationship with his wife, the owl feeling trapped in a loveless union.

Something, as a fellow noble, you could understand.

And then there was Blitzø.

Now, while you understood where he came from, knowing full well of there loveless marriage.

And despite your rather hedonistic lifestyle, being a Noble, you simply didn't condone his cheating.

Of course you were still friends, although you were very critical of there relationship, the owl being touched by how much you cared for him, constantly fearful the Imp was just using him.

Although he assured you it was all under control.

And with that whole 'affair' thing, your advice would become invaluable. The owl relying on you to get the Owl to think about things somewhat reasonably.

Of course, Loo Loo Land would still happen, sfterwards the Owl gushing to you about the new connection he had with his daughter. Oh so happy things were finally looking up.

Blitzø

Being friends with Blitzø was... an ordeal.

And for the most part, being friends with the Imp was a pleasant experience.

And sure, Blitzø was basically a somewhat self destructive ego maniac.

But he had a good sense of humour, always knowing somewhere interesting to go, which were usually either amazing, or ending in something on fire. Usually many things on fire.

But as troublesome as he was, he could always get you out of a jam. Usually able to make up for a blunder.

And as was expected of Blitzø, with all the fun, came an absolute invasion of privacy. Following you, recording you and generally acting like a stalker.

Of course, he wasn't prepared for you to not really care.

Sure, it was weird, but you knew Blitzø and he wasn't a bad guy. And so with you just accepting his weird nature, he wasn't sure how to handle it.

You could often see him, the Imp not being nearly as stealthy as he thought he was. So often enough, you'd end up inviting him in, asking if he'd like to come inside.

The two of you had a strangely intimate friendship. Blitzø not at all used to people around him not thinking he was a nuisance.

So, even if subconsciously, he found himself being drawn to you. The owl just liked spending time with you.

He liked spending time with you, you being the only person who didn't make him feel like he was annoying. At least for the most part.

Millie and Moxxie just loved you, particularly Moxxie, as you took much of the attention off of them.

And you in kind, loved the pair just as much, finding the romantic little Imps all too adorable.

You were probably the best thing that had happened to him in a long time, the Imp often coming to you whenever in need of help.

And of course, you did your best to help, often ending up helping him when Stolas got a little too much. Answering calls from the owl, often times covering for Blitzø so he didn't have to talk to him.

And speaking of Stolas, the owl seemed to have an odd interest in you, often times trying to spark up a conversation, or just spend time around you.

And while initially you had been highly suspicious, it was quickly revealed when he started inquiring about Blitzø.

His likes and hobbies.

Basically he was wanted information on Blitzø, and seeing as you were probably his best friend, you were a prime source.

But you could handle the Owl, usually helping Blitzø by giving Stolas advice that would help Blitzø out. Telling the Owl he liked the strong Silent type, the owl only keeping it up for a week.

But a week Blitzø was absolutely thankful to you for.

It wasn't easy, being his friend, and it was hard to not snap at him when his 'playfulness' became 'absolutely fucking annoyingness'.

But you managed, and truth be told, it was a whole lot of fun being the crazy little Imp's friend. All the blushing included.

[universitypenguin]

I can't stop rereading Lloyd and Princess together!

I got some questions if thats ok, don't answer if don't want to

1. Did Lloyd like the reader the second he met her or was it gradual?

2. Did the reader ever like him before? Or their hooking up created the flame of desire?

3. Has Lloyd ever been in a relationship before?

4. Has he ever been in love?

5. When he was drinking was he mad that the reader was that she wasn't really into him and she needed to be numbed in order to interact with him?

Love ur writing and can't wait for the next part! 🥰

Thank you for this ask! It inspired me to write a historical chapter about how Lloyd and Princess first met, which should answer a lot of your questions. But I wanted to go through and reply to them one by one.

1. No. They definitely got off on the wrong foot. For further details, see today’s publication.

How the Princess Met the Lawyer

2. She hated him at first because of how he treated her coworkers, but later realized he wasn’t all bad. When they finally met, the first impression they made on each other was pretty bad. (It was a mutually negative experience, which they find amusing in retrospect.)

There was always a spark, particularly for Princess. She felt something for Lloyd but was cautious because she valued her relationship with him too much. Also, three years ago when they first met, she was intimidated by Lloyd’s reputation. With that said, who can ignore that shredded body and those crystal blue eyes? She has hormones just like any red-blooded woman.

Another factor that prevented her from making a move was the knowledge that Lloyd had a lot of emotional baggage. She didn’t think he was ready for a relationship with anyone. Insecurity factored in as well, because she knew she didn’t have the experience to play on the same field as him in a romantic relationship. Princess is too much of a diva to tolerate an imbalance of power for very long… 😂 we’ll explore that more in later chapters

Lloyd liked Princess quicker than she liked him. He was dealing with a lot of push back at work and she was the one who helped him figure out how to overcome it. Three years ago he was freshly released from prison and struggling to fit in at Bishop & Howard. He had to make it work, since the terms of his parole required him to be employed. Princess’ organizational skills, emotional intelligence, and willingness to learn quickly earned his respect. Lloyd was actually shocked by how much he enjoyed having her around. When her internship was ending, he demanded Bishop hire her and insisted they make an offer she’d be crazy to refuse.

On his side, there was always a level of sexual interest. Princess’ office wardrobe had too many tight skirts and sexy blouses for him to keep his eyes off her for long. But the age gap between them, and her obvious lack of experience, held him back. He didn’t want to exploit her and hurt their relationship. Lloyd’s first real friend back in the U.S. was Princess. He relies on her professionally, and recognizes that in some areas of investigation, she’s surpassed even his abilities.

One of the first skills she developed was reading body language during interviews and figuring out what questions were most important. She’s always been a people person and likes watching how they interact. Plus, she has the innate ability of “women’s intuition,” something he’d never fully appreciated the power of before working with her. Interrogation is definitely something he could see her going into in the future.

3. Lloyd hasn’t been in a real relationship before. He has been in situationships and had casual flings, if that counts. He got quite a bit of sexual experience during his college days, and in his time as a cocaine addict. Unlike a lot of people, he didn’t mind hopping from one bed to the next every weekend.

Side bar: College!Lloyd was a total slut, and he had the free time to enjoy himself.

But he doesn’t want a romantic relationship that includes marriage and children. This is due to his background and what he went through as a child. Very early in his development, Lloyd was exposed to domestic violence. It created a strong core belief in him that marriage is dangerous. It causes vulnerability, and puts you at risk. Another layer to the trauma was that his later, more advanced processing of the trauma, became the idea that, as a man, being married means you’re going to hurt the person you love.

Don’t worry though! We’re going to shatter Lloyd’s core beliefs into tiny little pieces and build some healthier ones. Why else would I be writing this story? Some progress has already been made because of his friendship with Princess.

4. No, Lloyd has never been in love before. Unless you count the fact that he’s in love with Princess, and has been for a while… 😏

5. At first, Lloyd was irritated that Princess didn’t want to be fully present in the experience.

He’s a lot more comfortable with his sexuality than she is, and it took him a minute to realize that she was just nervous. Once he understood it wasn’t about him, but the fact that this was her first time, he wasn’t upset anymore.

Then he decided to spend so much time on foreplay and make her so hot for him that she wouldn’t have the mental capacity to feel uncomfortable.

This is also why he didn’t undress her. Making her take off her clothes was a test, to see how willing she was to take the next step. Had she hesitated for too long, he would have stopped. Then his next suggestion would have been that they spend the weekend getting comfortable with each other and working up to the main event. Fortunately, she was very, very ready to take the leap with him.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

carolina - a close reading

hs1, track 3

hs1 intro post

title: reference to johnny cash's cocaine carolina, which is about cash meeting a 'woman' on the road, who (or which) left a lasting impression on him ("she just wants my body", "how did i get hooked on you" oh shit this drug is physically and mentally ruining me oops)

LYRIC ANALYSIS

She's got a family in Carolina So far away, but she says I remind her of home Feeling oh so far from home

who's feeling far from home - 'she' or harry, or both?

pretty big thing to say on a first meeting

"oh so far" - mocking her accent? mocking her tone? mocking her attempts at flirting?

- mocking bc harry might be like you're far from home? have you heard of how far my home is?

She never saw herself as a west coaster Moved all the way cause her grandma told her "Townes, better swim before you drown"

trope of the female main character that doesn't need much to risk it all, acts very blasé

'never saw herself as a west coaster': feels better than them, as an east coaster? she did come to pursue that dream to move out west, though. so what is she/this line saying? that she gave in? that she lowered herself to that level? (link to cocaine carolina's lyric: "maybe i should go to california")

mention of grandma: does h remind her of her grandma? bc that's on brand

'townes': very oddly specific name! - could be reference to artist townes van zandt + this little detail that shows the original lyric was "her town"

swimming metaphor! comes back all throughout the album. water is everywhere

She's a good girl She's such a good girl She's a good girl She feels so good

this might as well be cash singing it, which is exactly what harry wanted to achieve

feels very "a good girl? yeah right"

"feels": could be sex (fulfilling the johnny i-have-sex-with-anyone-on-the-road cash role), could also be something else (see next verse)

She's got a book for every situation

she's spontaneous and smart? damn, wow! what a perfect female lead for a romcom where the male lead experiences personal growth!

Gets into parties without invitations How could you ever turn her down? There's not a drink that I think could sink her

here's where the main interpretation that this song is about drugs comes into play: drugs are almost always present at parties and get smuggled in - how can you turn down such an offer? you're having fun, come on! - a coke high isn't affected by drink (or not as much as other drugs)

How would I tell her that she's all I think about? Well, I guess she just found out

he went and did coke (he mentions in his documentary about hs1 that they went out and "did something" in jamaica which inspired this song (31:00)) and had a lot of fun, which causes you to think about doing it again

very handily turned it into a song about a girl, which helps with stunts ofc

I met her once and wrote a song about her I wanna scream, yeah I wanna shout it out And I hope she hears me now

cocaine carolina all over. trope of the lonely, hopelessly romantic musician who meets a muse and writes a song for her, which obviously is the highest honor he could bestow on anyone

"i met her once and wrote a song about her": harry literally addressing the trope he's taken and ran with

La la la la, la la la la la la She's a good girl She's such a good girl She feels so good

make noise, be loud, be that classic rock song

Carolina is the first song on HS1 that truly showcases Harry's ability to write songs in character. This time, he channeled Johnny Cash, this figure in rock 'n' roll who represents an old, or even classic, way of being a rock star. He also exhibits that kind of behavior that Harry clearly finds attractive, or recognises in himself, like the melodrama and self-deprecation (very very much like Bukowski, as well). Harry simply isn't this kind of rock star, someone who is addicted to drugs, cheats and breaks the law every so often, but the attraction to this kind of figure remains intact, very much so in the 'dark Harry' universe, for example. That people have, for years now, projected that kind of aggressive rock star image on Harry has, without a doubt, had its influence on how Harry genuinely sees himself, as well as giving him something to play with. I spoke about this in my Only Angel analysis, but that so many people see him this way, or almost tell him that he must be that way, must have caused a ton of self-doubt.

Carolina is the first song on HS1 that truly showcases Harry's ability to write songs in character. This time, he channeled Johnny Cash, this figure in rock 'n' roll who represents an old, or even classic, way of being a rock star. He also exhibits that kind of behavior that Harry clearly finds attractive, or recognises in himself, like the melodrama and self-deprecation (very very much like Bukowski, as well). Harry simply isn't this kind of rock star, someone who is addicted to drugs, cheats and breaks the law every so often, but the attraction to this kind of figure remains intact, very much so in the 'dark Harry' universe, for example. That people have, for years now, projected that kind of aggressive rock star image on Harry has, without a doubt, had its influence on how Harry genuinely sees himself, as well as giving him something to play with. I spoke about this in my Only Angel analysis, but that so many people see him this way, or almost tell him that he must be that way, must have caused a ton of self-doubt.

In this song, though, it's all fun and games. He's playing a character, who interacts with another (probably) made-up character. After having a night out while making HS1, where they tried some fun substances, Harry felt inspired to write a Cash-esque song. The female character is very much like a manic pixie dream girl, the kind that a songwriter meets once and writes a song about. Harry literally addresses this in the song, as if he's pointing right at the trope and laughing out loud. This playing with themes and tropes comes out in Woman, as well, making it a clear theme of its own on the album. Even if he did meet a real girl on a night out that played this role of the flirty muse, then that was also the perfect ticket and inspiration to write this song.

What should a classic rock album have? What would establish me as a rock star? Oh, I must have some of these in there. It's genius, it's fun, it's fantastic. The more I think about this song the more I love it.

here is where you'll find all my other lyric analyses

[kurtskrow]

⠀ ⠀ ⠀𝗙𝗜𝗥𝗘𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞𝗦

⠀ ⠀ ⠀> Tap for better quality

⠀ ⠀ ⠀> Episode: Hope Falls

- Like I promised in my last post. I’d say why I have a love hate relationship with this episode. So yeah.

Another thing I love about this episode is that we get to learn more about Frank, and we get to see that Scott does indeed have a heart, and that he does learn from his mistakes. For those who don't know, at the beginning of the show. Scott is supposed to be seen as a stone cold stoner who just likes getting high, and has no heart. But past episode 3, we get to learn Scott does have a heart. This episode, Hope Falls, shows us that he does have a heart, and feels bad.

When Scott learns about Franks son, and that Franks son overdosed and died. When Frank says. "I never got to say goodbye." You can see how hurt Scott is. He looks down at the ground, speechless, he feels some sort of guilt, then looks back at Frank to listen to him.

This episode shows you that even though the Cliff Hangers are fucked in the head, they still have a moral compass, they still have pride, and honor. Even though they've seen and experienced things a child should never go through, they still have some sort of direction. Even Scott, the most fucked up (mentally) he still has something, he still has his moral compass. That is something I admire.

This episode shows you that even though the Cliff Hangers are fucked in the head, they still have a moral compass, they still have pride, and honor. Even though they've seen and experienced things a child should never go through, they still have some sort of direction. Even Scott, the most fucked up (mentally) he still has something, he still has his moral compass. That is something I admire.

This episode shows you that even though the Cliff Hangers are fucked in the head, they still have a moral compass, they still have pride, and honor. Even though they've seen and experienced things a child should never go through, they still have some sort of direction. Even Scott, the most fucked up (mentally) he still has something, he still has his moral compass. That is something I admire.

We learn that everyone in Horizon at one point has problems. Even the teachers and counselors have problems. Frank, the head master, the principle, even he has problems. He couldn't save his son, and he has some sort of guilt because his son, Tommy I believe, couldn't be saved.

We learn that everyone in Horizon at one point has problems. Even the teachers and counselors have problems. Frank, the head master, the principle, even he has problems. He couldn't save his son, and he has some sort of guilt because his son, Tommy I believe, couldn't be saved.

Another thing I love about this episode. This may sound fucked up. But I love how there is this kid who OD's, and tries to off himself by overdosing. I absolutely LOVE this. Not because he tried to off himself, but rather because of how real it is. Often times when kids are sent off to a ranch, such as Horizon, so they can get better. Instead of wanting to get better, they try to off themselves. This is the most real part of Higher Ground. The fact that kids will always try to off themselves.

This kid doesn't wanna be at Horizon, not to mention he hates his home, his life, and most importantly, himself. Due to this, he tries to off himself at the ranch. A ranch where nobody knows him, a ranch he knows damn well where nobody will miss him, so he tries to off himself.

I like that, it's so realistic, I just- man, I love it so much. Not to mention the kid looks like a Chinese knock-off of Scott.

Another part I liked was when Scott at the end apologizes to the kids mother, he clearly doesn't know what to say. But, you can tell he does feel bad for her, so he apologizes to her. It's a little detail of Scott that I like. Shows you, he does have a good heart deep down.

Also the way Scott rejects Shelby is just chefs kiss.

I love how Scott chops wood at the wood station. Later in the season it’s basically established that chopping wood is something Scott just does. The guy is always chopping wood. In episode 8- it’s like 5AM, and this boy is over here finding some wood to chop. It’s great. He just owns the wood station and I love it.

Now for the stuff I didn't like:

SHELBY. I hate Shelby in this episode. I like her most of the times cause she does a great job at being a special bitchy bitch. But my GOD was she incomprehensible. She tries so hard to hook up with Scott to the point where it is just unbearable to watch.

Now I'm not a smart man myself but believe me when I say, I understand what "no, I don't wanna hook up with you." means. And for some reason, Shelby doesn't understand what, "you're a skank." means.

The most memorable thing about Shelby in this episode, is her purposefully provoking Scott because he tells her, "I quit smoking." Shelby gets pissed at Scott, because he says, "I quit smoking." And it is BEYOND retarded. She literally goes up to his face and is like. "Oh yeah? Well when I lived in the streets you took what you could."

As someone who raised in a ghetto ass area. Yes, in the streets or the hood, you would take whatever you could get, but, you had the opportunity to say no. Nobody forced me to do meth, heroin, cocaine, none of that shit when I was in California. They would offer it yeah, but they wouldn't force it upon me. When I would reject, they'd leave me alone, they wouldn't pressure me for shit. So the fact that Shelby says this, is so stupid to me, because if you say no, TRUST ME, they will leave you alone. Trainspotting is a great movie that displays this. None of the drug addicts force their non-druggie friend to do drugs. In fact, it was all his choice to do drugs. Which is exactly what happens 8 times out of 10.

People always act like most drug dealers will pressure you into taking drugs, or smoking, when the reality is, they won't. They really won't. You say no, to your druggie friends, or to a drug dealer, they will leave you alone. You know how I know this? Because every time I rejected an offer to do some sort of drug, they would leave me alone right after. So Shelby saying this, IS STUPID beyond belief.

Another thing I hate, is how Shelby doesn't understand the words, "No." because she borderline harasses Scott from episode 1-9. She never leaves him alone. She's always like. "Scott, I want your dick."

Scott goes. "Uh... no thanks."

Shelby proceeds to get mad. And it's so stupid. Yes, Scott said no, too bad. He doesn't want you, move on. BUT SHE DOESN'T. She doesn't move on, she continues and continues and continues, even though he says no multiple times. Scott even acknowledges that Shelby is no good for him, he basically tells her. "You're no good for me, Juliette is better, she's loyal, she loves me, and I love her." But Shelby pursues him, she still tries to make him cheat on Juliette.

I hate this so much. He said no. HE LITERALLY TELLS HER NO, and for some reason, she STILL tries to get him to cheat on Juliette. I hate it so much. But Scott, our loyal boyo, rejects her every time.

And so, Shelby, tries her best to make Scott doubt Juliette. What sucks is that she succeeds because she says. "Auggie was all up in Juliette's pants." This works, and Scott starts doubting his relationship with Juliette and it sucks ass, because, she was also loyal to Scott and was very healthy for him, but whatever I guess. I don't fuckin know.

Another thing I hate about this episode is Isaac's mother. Her acting is just deplorable. It's atrocious, it is genuinely hard to watch her acting. It's awful. It is downright awful. It is hard to watch, it really is. I'm not kidding. So, that is one thing I despise about this episode.

The other thing I hate, is I DON'T KNOW IF SCOTT IS DATING JULIETTE. This is the one fucking problem with Juliette and Scott. It is never established when these two officially started going out. Yes, in Episode 2, Juliette gently pecks Scott's lips, and it makes him shy, and that's it. That's literally it. You don't ACTUALLY know that's when they started going out, but that's when it's established they had a thing for each other.

Shelby talks about how Scott only has Juliette but- you're still confused if they're dating or not. You're always left assuming. "Are these two dating? Or are they actually friends with benefits?" I've watched this show 37 times now, and I STILL for the life of me, do not know when Scott and Juliette started dating. And this episode, doesn't help in the slightest.

Instead, this episode makes you assume that they started going out in the episode prior, but in the episode prior, they weren't really talking, so in this episode, you are assuming they are a thing, but you still don't know beCAUSE, IT ISN'T. FUCKING. ESTABLISHED.

Yes, Scott did fight Auggie because Auggie kissed Juliette. But if you loved a girl, and some other fuck came in, and kissed the girl you loved, you would be pissed and tell them fuck off cause you want that girl and you don't want competition.

You know when they break up but you don't know when they officially started dating, and it sucks ass cheeks.

My rating for this episode: 8/10.

8 because the plot is good. But, 1.5 is taken away due to Shelby, and the other .5 is because of all the other stuff. That's it, bye.

[hockeyboysimagines]

Know he isn’t on your master list but you said it was willing to change so I was wondering if you would do

Black Magic- Jaymes Young with Sidney Crosby?

Okay let me start by saying I LOVE this. I hadn’t planned on writing for Sid but I may change my mind. Thanks for requesting this babe! I hope you enjoy it!-💕

Warnings: Sex, language, infidelity

I let you in my brain

I used to doubt, now I believe

I let you ease my pain

Using your black magic on me (me)

I don't know how you do what you do

But you do it so good to me

My favorite pill when I'm getting so blue

Your taste is all I need

Baby, you're my cocaine, I can't stop sniffing

You move so good, got my heart totally tripping

The moment I get you in my veins

I'm taking over the world

She was a bad girl. The kind of girl your mother tells you stay away from. She was like a drug, the kind you get addicted to quick and can never seem to quit. She had this hold on him he couldn’t explain to anyone, especially himself. She always seemed to be there when he needed a hit, for whatever the reason be.

He couldn’t understand it. He was irrationally attracted to her, and even the sight of her drove him up the fucking wall. She had this way of coming back to him, turning his world upside down with this black magic, and her burning touch. No amount of good girls could ever replace her, and he didn’t want them to. He wanted her so fucking bad, but she was always just out of reach. He should have known she would show up here. He left the girl he had been talking to mid sentence, and slid on to the barstool next to her.

“Enjoying yourself?” She asked, wrapping her lips around a straw in a way that made him squirm in his seat.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, crossing his arms “Besides looking for me.”

“Are you taking her home?” She turned to him now, a lock of thick hair spilling over her shoulder. She leaned against the bar top, head cocked to the side as she ran her tongue across her top lip.

“I think you know the answer to that.”

I let you in my brain

I used to doubt, now I believe

I let you ease my pain

Using your black magic on me

Oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh

Using your black magic on me

Oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh

Using your black magic on me

You make it feel so damn good to be bad

You're the best I ever had

You're cold-blooded and I love it, yeah, yeah, yeah

Baby you're my ocean, I can't stop swimming

The salt of your waves, and I can't stop sipping

The moment that I get you all alone (alone)

She ran her fingers up his bare back as he moved above her, eyes closed. The tension hung thing in the air as she let out a breath, sending goosebumps across the skin of his neck. He threaded a hand through her hair, tangling his fingers in, and pulling it back to expose her throat. He was seeing stars. She gripped his skin, digging her nails into his back, surely leaving marks he would have to hide from his teammates.

“Sidney.” She breathed into his ear, lips pressing into his skin. She had a leg hooked around his hip, pulling him closer as she slid her fingers through his dark hair, tugging gently to bring his lips back to hers.

He considered himself to be an overall good guy, good teammate and good influence, but when she was around her, he was the opposite. And it felt fucking good. She let out a strangled cry, eyes never leaving his as they came together, heavy breathing filling the room.

“Tell me you’ll stay.” He said against her chest, forehead pressed against her collarbone.

“You know I can’t do that.” She whispered, fingers threading through his hair.

She would be gone by morning, leaving him alone in his sheets, waiting around for her until the next time she appeared and then disappeared. He kissed her again, more forceful then before, trying to savor his last moments with her, to get him through until the next time she was in his bed.

It would never be enough, to only have her for a moment and then wait for her to come back. But he would have to keep her while he could.

I let you in my brain

I used to doubt, now I believe

I let you ease my pain

Using your black magic on me

Oh, oh, oh/Oh, oh, oh

Using your black magic on me

Oh, oh, oh/Oh, oh, oh

Using your black magic on me

When I was young (uh uh uh uh) my father warned me

About girls like you (uh uh uh uh)

About girls like you (ah ha)

When my heart is numb (uh uh uh uh) and I'm feeling lonely

I let you through (uh uh uh uh)

And you fixed my blues up

I let you in my brain

I used to doubt, now I believe

I let you ease my pain

Using your black magic on me

Oh, oh, oh/Oh, oh, oh

Using your black magic on me

Oh, oh, oh/Oh, oh, oh

Using your black magic on me

I love it, baby

He didn’t want to admit it, but he missed her. Her voice, her body, her eyes. But mostly her magic touch. It had been a while since he had seen her, and in that time he had been forced to put her in the deepest part of his mind, and focus on other things. Hockey, training and the sweet girl he had started dating. She was kind, and pretty, but she just wasn’t doing it for him. He felt bad, because she was a good girl, the kind he could bring home to his family, the kind he needed but she wasn’t what he really wanted.

“She’s a good girl.” His father had told him “The kind of girl you make a wife.”

There was nothing exciting about that to him. He craved something different. Something that wasn’t sweet or pure.

There was a lot of pressure on him to take this new relationship to the next level, which is why he shouldn’t have been surprised when she appeared out of thin air, while out celebrating a win one evening.

“Who's this?” she asked leaning forward and nudging her chin forward, gesturing to Jennifer, who was socializing with some of the other wags.

“My girlfriend.” He mumbled, swirling the liquid around in his glass. Her eyebrows raised.

“Girlfriend? Wow.” She leaned away from him and he cursed himself.

“Yeah I don’t wanna talk about it. Where’ve you been?”

“Around.” She looked almost sad, which wasn’t an emotion he usually saw from her.

“Let’s get out of here.” He said, grabbing her wrist, and moving her swiftly to the back of the bar, away from the prying eyes of his teammates and his girlfriend. They made it as far as his car. It was messy, and cramped, but it was everything he’d been missing for months. As they came down breathing heavily, still tangled in the backseat, she ran her fingers through his hair.

“So what are you going to tell your girlfriend?”

“I’m going to tell her I’m in love with this magical girl, that I can’t seem to keep my hands on.”

She smiled “I was hoping you’d say that.”

[snifflesthemouse]

I'm still rather new to Tumblr. While I've clearly displayed my ability to post my ramblings, I'm still figuring out the other various features of this platform. For the sake of reference, I have posted a screenshot below.

While I completely agree with @youhavebeenmarkled that it's grossly inappropriate to suggest Catherine, the future Queen Consort, is a drug addict... I want to add to the discussion and further develop why the concept of Catherine microdosing heroin is entirely ignorant.

@youhavebeenmarkled mentions several excellent points as to why the concept is ridiculous; from genetics to muscle tone and more. But there's deeper reasons why this idea of Catherine being on heroin is so far from the truth and reality, it's out of this world. Some could even argue it sounds like a page from a Hollywood script.

Before I get started, though, I want (and need) to stress a few things. I am in no way shaming anyone. As I've shared in the past, I am the last person in the universe qualified to pass judgement on anything or anyone. My posts are simply my perspectives, my opinions. I look at facts in the public domain, and with my own knowledge and life experience, I form my thoughts.

Please remember while you read this, I am not looking down on anyone. I am not bragging about knowing what drug addiction is or is not. I am only sharing some insights with you, the reader, on what real life heroin addiction is like. My only goal is giving insight.

I am not proud of my past, and I am not condoning it. Nor should you. Accountability is how I stay clean. Please do not feel like I am suggesting non-addicts are ignorant or "square". Not knowing or understanding heroin addiction is a blessing. It's a good thing to be in the dark about certain things because it means you're smarter than people like me.

Be proud of the fact you don't automatically see why these blind items are total nonsense from the start. And if you aren't proud of yourself, just know I am proud AF of you. For those of you like myself who have been through the hell of addiction, remember we do recover. With all that being said, let's get going.

You see, anyone with firsthand experience or knowledge of true heroin addiction would automatically know these rumors are absolutely ridiculous. Why? Because heroin addiction doesn't work that way.

Now don't get me wrong. The world is filled with functioning closet addicts. I myself was a functioning closet addict for years before the world was any the wiser. The key point, though, is the world did eventually get wiser.

Heroin addiction usually starts out in one of a few ways. Most Americans addicted to heroin became that way because of prescription painkillers. For example, I first got addicted to pain pills. When the pain pills became impossible to get, I took what I could get that was the closest equivalent. That was heroin.

But some people start using heroin because they did some at a party with friends. Or they have a loved one addicted and wanted to see what the fuss was all about. Some people are hooked on other drugs, like cocaine or ecstasy, and their usual dealer offers a free sample of the latest batch of heroin. There's a saying among addicts; "The first one's free."

Dealers know they can increase their profitability if they can get established clients addicted to other products they traffic. But these are just a few examples of how people get started using heroin. Very rarely does anyone start out on heroin simply because they want to stay thin. Contrary to the popular belief known to many as "heroin chic" that came from supermodels in the mid 80s and 90s.

Heroin is what addicts refer to as a euphoria narcotic. It has a euphoric effect, and it is sometimes called a "downer". Cocaine, crack cocaine, methamphetamine, or amphetamines are called "uppers" or "speeders" because they stimulate the brain and give energy. While heroin can have that affect on people, it is not the traditional go-to for illicit weight management.

In other words, if Catherine really did use microdosing (a concept I will debunk in a moment), her first, best choice would be a stimulant like cocaine because it's much more effective at appetite suppression and providing energy. Heroin wouldn't be the first, best choice for many reasons.

Because of its nature, heroin is highly addictive. Most users begin snorting the drug in powder form. Within seconds to a minute, the substance enters the bloodstream and hits the brain. The brain then releases endorphins that travel the rewards pathway in the brain. The first time one uses heroin is the highest they will ever feel from using. Every subsequent dose releases less and less endorphins in the brain. This is why recovering addicts talk about chasing their sobriety like they chased their first high. This is also why microdosing is an almost-impossible behavior.

Microdosing means taking tiny, small amounts over time. Meaning that you only use the minimum amount to achieve the effect you desire. But the problem is, your brain becomes physically dependent on the substance over time. Every time an addict uses, the brain gets more dependent on that substance to function. So, while a non-addict's brain has no issues with their brain producing endorphins, an addict's brain does. This is why heroin is so addictive.

Eventually, a heroin addict's brain will become so reliant on heroin to produce endorphins, the addict will become entirely dependent. This is also known as becoming hooked. When the addict doesn't have the minimum amount of heroin the body is accustomed to, or depending upon, the addict will start withdrawal. This is often called being "dope sick" or "detoxing".

Detoxing or being dope sick is the driving force behind addicts staying addicts. Being dope sick is the biggest fear of an addict. So much so, the fear of detoxing is enough to drive otherwise good, decent human beings to doing absolutely whatever it takes to avoid detoxing. Stealing from loved ones, manipulating innocent bystanders, lying, cheating, robbing, selling your body... are the half of it.

Being dope sick is like having the worst flu of your life times a million. You will vomit, have uncontrollable diarrhea, and your body will hurt worse than anything you could ever imagine. If you detox for more than a day, you will begin to feel like your insides are shaking, burning, and pulling apart inside. You can't sleep. You can't eat. You can't get out of bed. You miss work and lose your job (if you still have one at this point). You get desperate before this point, and you get carnal after this point.

Your brain and entire body becomes dependent on this substance to function subpar. Without this substance, everything begins to stop working properly. Depending on exactly how much you use normally, your withdrawal can become life threatening. You can have seizures, strokes, or even go into cardiac arrest. Hopefully you can see by now why I say the concept of microdosing is ridiculous.

To be able to micro dose would require the self control and willpower of a super human. This reminds me of an article I once read about a college professor who advocated for drug use. He claimed he wasn't addicted, had control of his drug use, and was a productive member of society. He said he'd use heroin like others drink after a long day of work. Yet, he's been using it for over a decade. Yet, he experienced detoxing. That professor is a prime example of an addict in denial. But I digress...

My points are this:

1. Heroin wouldn't be the first choice for weight control or appetite suppression; cocaine or stimulants like meth or ritalin would be.

2. Microdosing is an almost-impossible method of drug use because the body gets hooked quickly. Which means the dose will only increase in amount in order to have the same effects over time.

3. Heroin causes an addiction that results in serious, life threatening withdrawal that drives even the nicest person to doing the worst of the worst.

4. Heroin addiction, even in small amounts, takes no time to invade and overtake one's life. It literally only takes one time to get hooked. It literally takes no time to destroy everything.

Oh, and one more thing before I put a sock in it... at the height of my active addiction, I was using around 2 grams a day to feel normal. I spent at minimum $200 a day on heroin. Sometimes even more. When I started out, I was only using a tenth or less. It takes 10 of those to make a gram. So within two months of starting, I went from doing one tenth to needing 20 of those tenths just to feel normal and function. All the while, I never got smaller than 150 pounds.

I know it sounds terrible, but I would lament over how unfair it was. I was doing all this heroin, and I was still thick AF. I would literally joke to fellow addicts I would use with how it was total bullshit. How was it I was using 2 grams a day and still a size 12 or 14? That's how sick I was in my disease. Which is my final point.

Not everyone on heroin is "heroin chic" skinny. The effort, will power, and self control it would take to "microdose" would be far greater than what it would take to control one's diet and exercise. Plus it would be much cheaper to hire a trainer than employ a drug dealer.

I hope this very long, detailed, winded post gives better insight to the deeper reasons the blind item is so dumb. I also hope it gives insight to the real life of heroin addiction. My goal was, and is, to provide real examples to the blind item's absurdity. If I can help people better understand heroin addiction, potentially deterring someone from ever touching it or even a loved one learning something that could help someone they know struggling with addiction... well that would be a bonus.

P.S. If you or a loved one you know is struggling with addiction, there is help out there. If you have any questions or just need someone to listen, please feel free to message me. I will do my best to help. I've been there. They say the only way to keep your sobriety is by giving it away... I have plenty to give. Be forewarned, though, I am unapologetically blunt and honest to a fault. I mean no harm, but I will not sugar coat anything.

[radiantroope]

Lonely Heart || Rafe Cameron

Chapter Four - Tainted Love

chapter summary: Janelle comes over to talk and starts to show her true colors. You and John B. go surfing where he gets you to open up to him about your mom. An unlikely friend saves you from falling into what seems like a trap.

warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of familial death, a beer is mentioned

word count: 4.3k+

author’s note: yeah uhhh don’t hate me for this lol. i wanna fight her too. as always, please leave me some feedback and let me know if you’re enjoying this series <3

read chapter three here!

series playlist | series masterlist | main masterlist

You didn’t leave the house much. You didn’t want to risk running into Rafe or Janelle anywhere. Topper had dropped by a couple of times just to check on you and see how your mother was doing. Sarah was over the most, refusing to let you waste away in your room by yourself. She was going back to school at Chapel Hill, splitting her time between the mainland and the island. You’d tried to insist she didn’t have to come over every other day, but she wasn’t taking no for an answer. ‘You’re my best friend. You can try and shut everyone else out, but not me.’ she’d said.

Your mother had an appointment that day to have a brain MRI. They wanted to check the tumor and make sure the chemotherapy was helping slow the growth or at least keep the tumor at bay for the time being. Her form of cancer was aggressive and there was a chance the chemo would only work for so long. Eventually the tumor would stop reacting to it and continue growing rapidly. Your parents told you the visit was boring and you’d be in the waiting room the whole time so they made you stay home.

You stared at the fresh cup of tea in front of you, robotically dipping the tea bag in and out of the scalding water. Your mind was consumed with thoughts of Rafe, as much as you tried not to think about him. You couldn’t comprehend why he’d ghosted you and started dating your best friend. Was he ashamed of loving her and feared you’d think you were replaced? Truthfully, it is how you felt. He pushed you out and made more room for Janelle in his life, letting her fill a place you thought would always be yours.

Your whole perspective on your life was forced to change. The dreams and goals you’d had when you were younger, picturing Rafe by your side, you’d instead achieved and chased by yourself. You went to college parties and drowned yourself in booze to ignore how wrong it felt being there. You had mindlessly hooked up with fraternity douchebags, hoping it would fill the void in your chest. It never did. You had tried to go on dates with guys who were so sweet and nothing short of gentlemen, but none of them managed to wow you. They weren’t rough around the edges with just enough attitude to keep you in check. They were soft, men you could walk all over and they’d let you. They weren’t Rafe. You hated yourself for comparing them all to him, but he was all you’d ever known. He was all you ever wanted.

Guilt started eating away at you for focusing so much on the boy who unknowingly broke your heart. Your mother was dying for God’s sake. You should be putting all of your attention on her and making sure she was happy in what was going to be the last year of her life. You were upset with yourself for being so angry with her for not telling you about the engagement. It wasn’t their fault your closest friends were a couple of backstabbers.

The shrill ring of the doorbell ripped you from your thoughts. You abandoned the now cold cup of tea at the coffee table, sock clad feet sliding across the hardwood as you moved through the house. You glanced down at the oversized shirt you were wearing, biker shorts poking out underneath. You had a feeling your unruly hair was sticking out in all directions from the bun it was in but couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

The moment you ripped the front door open, you tried to slam it right back closed. Bile rose in your throat as you pushed against their body, growling, “Get the fuck off my porch.”

“I’m here to talk, Y/N, please!” Janelle protested, trying to look at you through the crack in the white painted door without having it crushed. “Just give me ten minutes.”

You hesitated, pausing against the door. Words couldn’t describe how hurt you were that she’d kept this from you for years. She had been one of your best friends. She knew things about you that your own parents didn’t know — that Rafe himself didn’t know. Could it hurt to at least try and hear her out?

You finally pulled the door open, avoiding her striking green eyes and waving your arm out to let her in. You shut the door loudly behind her and moved to the couch. “Ten minutes,” you stated, sitting at one end while she took a spot on the other.

“How’s your mom?” she started, giving you a sad smile.

You shrugged once, responding monotonously with, “Fine.”

“Y/N, I’m sorry,” Janelle said softly, seemingly sincere as she stared at her lap. You kept quiet and didn’t show any change in emotion on your face, so she continued, “I should have told you. The second things changed with Rafe and I, I should have come to you about it.”

You closed your eyes for a moment and breathed in deeply as to collect your thoughts. There were a million things you could say to her right now, most more unpleasant than others. You sighed, “You knew how much I loved him, Janelle. You were the only person I told. Do you understand how much of a slap to the face this is?”

“I know. I broke, like, the first rule in girl code. I suck,” she replied, shaking her head a bit. She had been avoiding your eyes but looked back over, “We didn’t expect it, you know. It just kind of… happened. Things were really rough for both of us for a while and I guess it made us closer. We were able to connect on a deeper level.”

You stared at her, unable to read the expression on her face. You couldn’t pinpoint one sort of emotion swimming in her eyes. A weight settled on your shoulders, something within you feeling unnerved.

“Do you love him?”

There it was, a smile. The first real emotion the dark haired girl had shown you since she stepped foot in the house. Did she even care about you at all? Did she care that this was ripping you apart inside? “Of course I do. I wouldn’t have said yes to marrying him if I didn’t,” her response lit a fire within your chest, spreading through every nerve ending in your body.

“Then why did you never seem interested in him before?” you questioned, watching the creases form between her eyebrows. “You chased after Kelce for two years without giving up. You never once gave any indication that you were remotely interested in Rafe until I left, apparently.”

You were simmering in pent up anger and betrayal, jealousy sitting just below the surface. Though, you kept yourself calm, refusing to let those emotions through. You knew Janelle like the back of your hand and you knew there was more to this. You wanted to push her until she said exactly what she was thinking. The slow contort of her face into an angry scowl proved to you that it was working.

“You don’t just wake up one day and decide, hm, I’m in love with this person now, Janelle. How do you even know if what you have is real?”

“Well maybe if you weren’t so conceited and wrapped up in yourself you would have noticed,” Janelle spit, the olive toned tan to her face turning a light shade of pink. “Everyday I had to listen to you bitch and moan about how he’d never love you back. All you did was cry because you were too scared to tell him how you felt. I always loved him but you always made everything about you.”

You blood boiled under your skin. Your face became hot and you clenched your hands in your lap to keep them from shaking. Your bottom lip was sure to start bleeding soon with how tightly you bit it between your teeth.

“You weren’t there for the fights with Ward, when he called him names and made him feel less than. You weren’t there for the nights he got black out drunk because he wanted to forget. You weren’t there for the fucking cocain addiction that almost ruined his whole life,” Janelle seethed, leaning closer to you with every word she spoke.

Your jaw clenched painfully as you grit out, “How was I supposed to be there when he’s the one who cut me out of his life?”

“He cut you out of his life to send you a message, Y/N!” Janelle shouted through a laugh, a condescending smile settling on her lips. “He was so happy when you moved to California because he was finally free! He wasn’t being suffocated by you anymore!”

“That’s not true,” you whispered, shaking your head quickly. Your mind flashed back to your going away party. The soft voices and gentle touches. The way he looked at you like you were the only person he had eyes for — at least that’s what you thought.

“It is, and the sooner you accept that, the better. Rafe doesn’t love you,” the raven haired girl stated. Your glossy eyes flickered to hers. The bright green in them was gone and replaced with a cold, mossy color. “He never loved you. He never will love you the way you’re so desperate for him to. You moving was the best thing that ever happened to him — to us.”

You stayed seated on the couch as she got up and slung her entirely too large of a purse over her shoulder. Your eyes were full to brim with tears that you refused to let fall in front of her. You wouldn’t let her see how much this was ruining you. This wasn’t the girl you’d met back when you were ten years old, it was a completely different person. Or maybe she had been this person the whole time, and you had just been a pawn in some sick game. Only did you look at her when she opened the front door.

“And Y/N,” the sweet tone replaced the venomous one she used only moments ago. “Stay away from him. I don’t need you messing with his head before the wedding.”

The door slammed and you sat there, allowing the tears to flow down your flushed cheeks. You didn’t sob, you didn’t scream and throw things around like most would have thought. It was just a silent flow of saltiness that felt never ending. A numbing feeling came over you as you let Janelle’s words absorb into your head. Had you really been so blind by your own love for Rafe you never saw hers? Had you been so stupid to think the Kook Prince would fall for someone as ordinary as you?

You don’t know if it was only minutes or maybe hours that you sat on the couch, blankly staring at the wall. Eventually, you finally pulled yourself up and located your phone. There was one thing you knew would help you escape the depression spiral you were heading down. And there was one person you could call who would be willing to do it with you — despite hardly knowing you at all.

“Hello?” John B. sounded utterly confused as to why you were calling him.

“H-Hey, I uh, I know this is weird,” your voice was dry and you cleared your throat, “Do you, i dunno, maybe wanna go surfing with me?”

—

You sat on top of your board out where the water was calmer, watching John B. pull off an intricate trick with his own surfboard. You hummed in thought, wishing you could pull off some of the moves he did. You tended to just catch the biggest wave you could and ride it out for as long as possible. You’d picked up some things over the years, but just riding out a long wave was your favorite feeling. You loved the rush, like you were flying.

“You’re really good,” you complimented the brunette as he made his way back out to you.

“Thanks,” John B. chuckled, moving to straddle his board just as you were, “You’re pretty good at riding out the big ones. I bet I could get JJ to teach you some things. He’s better than I am.”

You laughed softly and shook your head, brushing your wet hair behind your back, “JJ would rather scrub Heyward’s boat to the bone than hang out with me.”

“He’s not that bad,” the Routledge boy tried to defend his friend. “Well, not anymore. He’s more… tolerant.”

You hummed in response, staring out into the open water where the edges curved at the horizon. The sun was beginning to go down, casting an orange glow over everything around you. John B. watched you, seeing the gears turning in your head. He’d barely seen you smile all day and from what Sarah had told him, surfing always made you happiest.

“You wanna talk about it?”

You turned to look at him, his soft hazel eyes saying It’s okay, you can trust me. You sighed heavily and averted your gaze to the purple and white board below you. You could feel that you wanted to cry again but your eyes remained dry, like you had nothing left in you. The hollow feeling in your chest felt like it was going to swallow you whole.

“You sure you want my demons weighing on your conscience?” you asked playfully, the corners of your mouth upturning slightly.

John B. smiled softly, shrugging a bit, “We all have our demons, Y/N. Some worse than others.”

You nodded and eyed him for a moment longer before asking, “What was it like.. to lose your dad?”

The curly haired boy sucked in a breath. It had been four years but it never got easier. His dad was all he had and then he was alone, still a child having to grow up entirely too fast. He let out a soft breath, “It was hard. I didn’t know what happened to him for nine months, and then to find out he was dead? It was like a part of me died with him.”

You nodded, silently listening along as he opened up to you.

“It was painful and ugly. I lashed out at my friends… It’s still painful sometimes. I try to think about the good things though. The fishing trips on his boat, going to work with him.. His horrendous endeavour to find The Royal Merchant,” he paused to laugh at the memory, and you did too. You’d heard enough stories about him and his friends searching for the lost gold as well. “I know he’s still with me. He watches over me. Your mom will too.”

You nodded again, bottom lip quivering slightly. Your voice was strained as you spoke, “It fucking sucks seeing her like this. Everyday I feel like I can tell she’s getting worse.”

“I regret not being around more the last couple of years. If I had known this was going to happen I would have done so many things differently.”

John B. waded his board closer to you, resting his hand on yours that was gripping your knee. His eyes were remorseful, lips turned down in a frown. His father’s death was sudden and unexpected. He understood your pain but he also had no idea how to handle knowing the inevitable was coming. He couldn’t imagine watching someone you love slowly slip away.

“Don’t think about that. Don’t beat yourself up for what you didn’t do or wish you did. Spend this time reminding your mom how much you love her and helping make these last moments she has some of the best. Make more memories with her that you’ll look back on and smile at,” he told you, squeezing your fingers softly.

You met John B.’s eyes again and nodded, giving him a soft smile. It was nice to talk to someone who didn’t exactly know you on that personal level but could also relate to you. He had experienced a loss like you were about to and it was refreshing to hear how he coped with it and get some advice. You wondered exactly how much Sarah had told him but it was nice that he was judging you. Maybe years ago, he would have thrown it back in your face, called you a snob and any other insult he could think of. Maybe it was dating Kook that changed his outlook, or he’d grown up and matured and realized the stupid rivalry wasn’t worth being a complete dick all the time.

John B. drifted away from you again when he saw you seemed more relaxed, he looked out where the sun was starting to dip below the horizon. He offered, “Why don’t you come back to the Chateau with me? Sarah’s coming over and I know she’s dying to get you to hang with us.”

You contemplated for a moment, unsure how inviting the other Pogues would be to another Kook in their company. But for once, getting out and being around other people sounded a lot better than going home and burying yourself in Ben and Jerry’s while binge watching a show you’d already seen. So you nodded and smiled, “Yeah, that sounds nice.”

—

Rafe didn’t listen to Topper’s advice of leaving you alone. He couldn’t pretend like seeing after all of these years wasn’t a sucker punch to the gut. He kept replaying everything over the course of five years in his head. He couldn’t stop thinking about what he could’ve done differently. The different outcomes of his actions replayed in his head like a broken record. What could have happened if he hadn’t cut you out of his life? Would you have ended up together in the end, despite the distance? Should he have told you how he felt that day, when it felt like your gentle touch was the only thing holding him together?

He traveled out onto the South side and watched from his truck as you and John B. left the beach. He thought about getting out and speaking to you there but instead he watched from the shadows as you strapped your surfboard to the top of your mother’s car and drove away behind the Volkswagen.

Against his better judgement, Rafe followed you. He stayed far enough behind that you wouldn’t recognize his truck. He knew his way to the Routledge boy’s house anyway. Many a night’s he had gone there when he was younger and looking for trouble, or when he got older, to pick up his sister when she didn’t have a ride. He knew that’s where you were heading. He would pretend it didn’t bother him slightly that you were hanging out with the Pogues. He’d grown more accustomed to seeing them around but the roots of the rivalry were still deeply embedded within him. He still thought they were at the bottom of the food chain.

You didn’t think much of the headlights that pulled up behind your car, thinking Sarah had just arrived. You dug around in the backseat, trying to gather the things that had spilled from your bag. The headlights shut off and it was quiet for a moment. You heard John B. curse softly and your heart nearly stopped when you heard the voice.

“Sup, John B.?” Rafe’s gruff voice filled the air, nodding his head at his sister’s boyfriend.

“Rafe,” the Routledge boy greeted back, an edge to his tone.

You slowly removed yourself from the car, turning to face the last person you wanted to see, next to Janelle. You hated the way your heart skipped a beat when his azure irises met yours. He swallowed thickly, waiting for you to make the first move, which you did.

“What are you doing here?”

“I- I uh,” Rafe’s hand came up to rub the back of his neck, eyes leaving yours to stare at the ground. “I don’t know. I wanted to see you.”

You scoffed and shook your head, reaching back into the car to get your bag. He hesitantly moved closer and continued, “I’m worried about you, Y/N. I know things are weird right now and I’m sorry about your mom but I-”

“Don’t,” you snapped, standing upright and slamming the car door, “Don’t pretend like you fucking care.”

“I do care. I just want to talk.”

“You had five years to talk, Rafe!” you shouted, voice shaking as you did so. You bit the inside of your lip and begged your body not to betray you. You didn’t need him seeing you cry. “I waited and waited for you to talk to me. I asked myself ‘why’ for years! You’ve moved on with your life, that’s fine, I can accept that. But don’t expect me to be a part of it anymore. Just go back to pretending I don’t exist.”

Even from a distance Rafe could see the glaze to your eyes. He could see your body shaking as you tried to keep yourself composed. It looked like you were about to fall apart in front of him and it made his chest ache. You always were the one to pretend to be strong for as long as you could until it crushed you. He shook his head and tried again, “Y/N, please, you don’t understa-”

“Yo, Rafe! Didn’t know you were stopping by!” you turned to see JJ Maybank bouncing down the porch steps, an arrogant smirk painted on his chapped lips. His unruly hair stuck out from the edges of his backwards baseball cap. He was shirtless, flaunting his physique in only a pair of grey cargo shorts. He’d heard you yelling and figured he may as well come investigate.

“Maybank,” Rafe greeted the Pogue stiffly, a lot more tense than he’d been around John B.

The younger blonde boy threw his arm around your shoulders as he came to your side, catching you by surprise. You glanced up at him, but his eyes never left Rafe, his smirk widening. You didn’t see the look of anger that flashed across your former best friend’s face, a fire igniting in his eyes — JJ caught it though, and he was going to run with it.

“I heard about the engagement, man, congrats!” JJ spoke enthusiastically and you had to resist rolling your eyes. You suddenly had the urge to throw up like on the Druthers, but you swallowed the feeling down. Your eyes met Rafe’s again as JJ kept going, “Don’t you have, like, a cake tasting to get to or something?”

Rafe’s hands curled into fists, knuckles cracking as he squeezed. If anyone knew how to get under his skin in just the right way, it was the Maybank boy. He breathed out slowly through his nose, choosing to ignore the comments from the Pogue. He pleaded with you, “Can we just talk, real quick? Please?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, bro. Y/N’s really busy right now,” JJ answered for you, tilting his head to look down at you, “Aren’t you, bubs?”

You stared up into the tan blonde’s indigo eyes that were screaming at you not to go to him. You knew he was trying to help you, but you weren’t friends. You didn’t understand why he came to your defense so quick. He could have just let you stand out there and allow Rafe to rope you back in like you knew he could.

“She can speak for herself,” Rafe snapped at JJ who looked back at him with a raised eyebrow. You hadn’t moved out from under his arm so clearly you had no interest in going to the Kook.

“Go home, Rafe,” you said, turning with JJ to walk up to the Chateau. “Wouldn’t want to suffocate you anymore,” you took a dig, repeating what Janelle had said to you earlier in the day.

Rafe stood there, watching as you walked to the porch, wrapped in someone else’s arms — someone he despised. His heart pounded harder in his chest the further you got away from him, like you were taking it with you. He silently got back in his truck and backed out, tires squealing as he peeled off down the road. He gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles, breathing raggedly. Wouldn’t want to suffocate you anymore. Those words bothered him, knowing he’d heard something like that before but he couldn’t recall when, where or more importantly, who.

“Well that couldn’t have been anymore awkward,” John B. stated as he led you into the house.

You’d expected JJ to drop his arm the second Rafe was gone, but he didn’t, guiding you into the kitchen for you to put down your bag. You sighed heavily and rubbed your face with the hand not pinned to your side, “I’m sorry about that. And thank you, JJ, you didn’t have to do all that.”

The boy hummed and waved his hand, finally stepping away from you and moving to the fridge, “The guy’s an asshole and needs to learn he can’t always get what he wants. Especially after what happened on daddy dearest’s boat.”

You felt your face flush, looking over at John B. who held his hands up as if he was surrendering, “I didn’t say anything, swear.”

“Word travels fast ‘round these parts,” JJ clarified, walking back over and handing you a beer. He sat down in one of the chairs at the kitchen table, patting the one beside him for you. “C’mon, tell your good pal JJ what the Prince fucked up this time.”

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[chancelloramidala]

Staring at the Sun ➤ Evan Buckley

Chapter One: You’re Fucking Joking.

Warnings: shooting, gunshot, blood, hospitals

Masterlist

Injuries on the job, especially as a firefighter, was nothing new. You had to be ready to endure whatever came at you, it was apart of the job description to be frank. But nothing could prepare Marceline Pierce for getting fucking shot, not once, but twice. The first bullet hit her in the thigh, luckily barely missing her femoral artery and stayed lodged in there, while the second on swiped clean through her left abdomen.

The call was to an cocaine overdose at a suburban mansion, and whilst everyone else was helping the victim, Marceline and Buck searched the rest of the house for the person who dialed 9-1-1. They made the stupid decision to split up so they could more ground because when I tell you the mansion was huge, it was. That’s when Marceline found who they were looking for in the bathroom.

It was a white male, early thirties and completely coked up by the smudged white lines on the marbled counter along with the white power covering his nose. He looked severely disheveled and was waving a gun around, muttering to himself and pacing back and forth. Marceline tried to talk the guy down, keeping her hands up to show that no she wasn’t a threat but didn’t keep her guard down. If worse came to worse, she was going to try and take the gun.

After that, everything was kind of... hard for her to remember if you could believe it. There were certain things she could remember, like how she was carefully walking towards the guy, Johnny that was his name, when Buck suddenly entered the room in search for Marceline. Johnny then pointed to gun at Buck, the last person, she wanted to be near a fucking gun.

So she acted on instinct, her mind yelling at her to make sure Buck was safe. Marceline charged towards Johnny, and when her hands were wrapped around his wrists, it went off and her left thigh was on fire. But it didn’t matter, Buck was still in danger. She groaned, biting through the pain as she staggering towards Johnny when he shot at her again but this time aiming for her side.

That’s when she finally fell, sort of slow-mo like as she bled onto the tiled floors.

Bobby was suddenly hovering over her, so was Chimney. Talking was hard at the time, so she just stared blankly at her Captain as one of the paramedics tried to stabilize her for transport. Buck was suddenly there too, he looked angry and seemed to be shouting but to be honest, Marceline couldn’t hear what he was saying.

But... where was Johnny?

Was the gun away?

Was Buck safe now?

Her mind was spinning.

She was then inside of the ambulance, Bobby beside her and holding her hand as he and Chimeny told her to stay awake. And Marceline tried, she really did. 

But, fuck, her eyes were heavy, almost as if someone put bricks on them.

So against her Captain’s orders, she slept.

Later, much later, Marceline woke up in a hospital room to the beeping of machines she was hooked up on and a cartoon playing incessantly on the shitty TV. Sitting beside her was her best friend, roommate, and ex-girlfriend Nicolette Bishop.

Apparently, she’s been out for four days from a medically induced coma after the shooting incident. Her team has been visiting since then, leaving small gifts and reading to her until she woke up. Even Nic’s daughter, Gemma came to visit a few times and proof of that was her poorly painted toenails and drawings left by her bedside.

Even though she was glad to be alive, Marceline couldn’t help but wonder if Buck was okay. Her chest was tight with anxiety at that thought.

Were her efforts in vain?

Did she really get fucking shot for nothing?

“No, Buck’s fine.” Nic told her as she fluffed Marceline’s pillow for the hundredth time that hour. “He visited you while you were out, just talking about random things, I didn’t really hear him.”

She relaxed at that, inwardly smiling at the fact that he was here when she was asleep.

The doctor said she’d be out of commission for at least a month and a half to heal properly and then another for physical therapy and check-ups.

Marceline fucking hated that. She verbalized that to her doctor, who wasn’t surprised and just shrugged before leaving.

What was she supposed to do till then? Sit her ass on the couch in front of the television and watch shitty reality TV? Plus, she knew Nic was going to baby the hell out of her till she could walk by herself.

But Nic wasn’t the only person ready to help Marceline.

By the time Marceline was released from the hospital, the 118 had already prepared a schedule where they’d take turns to spend the afternoon with her when they had the days off.

The last thing she wanted as her team to step into her home, one of the few places where she could separate her work life with her home life. But it’s not like she was able to have a say in any of this.

Nic was absolutely thrilled for the extra help, knowing that she’d be a little preoccupied from her job as a caretaker to take anymore personal days off, when only the month before Gemma was sick with a stomach bug.

For the next two months and a half, Marceline was bombarded by Bobby’s cooking, Chimney’s horrible jokes, and Hen’s warm hugs. As for Buck? Well he visited a little less than the rest of them, continuously thanking her for basically saving his life. The poor woman didn’t know how to respond to this, only lamely shrugging and picking at her nails while saying, “I just did what anyone else would do...” for the one’s they love...

In between those heartfelt visits, Athena Grant came by to give her a stern talking to about charging at someone with a loaded weapon. For as long as Marceline could remember, Athena was the mother-figure she never had growing up in the foster system and always fretted when she did something a little too reckless on the job.

“What the hell were you thinking? That druggie had a gun pointing at you, Marceline! You’re obviously not bulletproof!” Athena would go on a tangent, wagging her finger at the younger woman. 

“But he pointed the gun at Buck too, Athena!” Marceline shot back with a type of ferocity that the cop never saw before. “I...I didn’t think at the time, I know that but... I didn’t care what happened to me.” she chewed at her lower lip as she stared at the older woman. “Buck was in danger, I just- I had to- I would never forgive myself if something-” happened to him.

Marceline broke down, her hands now shaking as tears spilled out of her eyes. She broke eye contact with Athena, covering her face with her shaky hands to hid how embarrassed and vulnerable she felt in this moment.

Athena watched the young woman that she considered one of her own as she was struck with a realization. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you sweetheart?”

Marceline whimpered, curling herself in a ball that wouldn’t break her stitches.

“Oh, baby,” Athena sat down next to her and wrapped her arms around the weeping woman before pulling her into a side hug. “I’m sorry for giving you a hard time, I was just worried about you.” she placed a kiss to Marceline’s hair. “But I understand. We do crazy things for the people we love.”

Marceline was finally cleared to go back to work in the next two weeks. Her confession was only known to Athena and Nic (the latter only learning this piece of information months beforehand with a drunk Marceline going on and on about why she loves Buck), and was never spoken about again.

But after her sort of near death situation, Marceline decided that she should tell Buck how she feels. Even if he was a self-diagnosed sex addict. It didn’t matter. Life was too short to have any regrets, right?

Marceline came to her first day back with anxiety settling in her bloodstream, her blue duffel bag hung over her shoulder. She was glad that there was no one greeting her or anything, it was as if she never got shot. All she wanted was to get back to work and have everything go by smoothly. Then she walked over to her locker, “PIERCE” written in neat, bold handwriting and stuffed her things inside.

“Mars, come up, breakfast is getting cold!” Bobby shouted over the railing.

She grinned. God, she missed Bobby’s cooking. Not that she didn’t have constant access to it because there were literally tons of leftovers currently sitting in her fridge, but it was different when Bobby cooked at the fire station. Now, it was actually a home cooked meal.

“Alright, Bobby, hold on,” she yelled back at him before ascending up the stairs, holding the railing because wow did these steps get bigger somehow?

And as she finally reached the top steps, she almost immediately wanted to turn around run away.

“Welcome back, Marceline!” everyone cheered and smiled excitedly underneath a large, brightly colored banner hung up above.

Fuck, this is not what she wanted. “Oh gosh,” she started, her hand finding it’s way into her hair. “You guys really didn’t have to-”

“Ba-ba-ba,” Chimney shook his head and stepped forward before slinging his arm around her shoulder. “Yes we did, we’ve missed your brooding presence inside the truck and had to celebrate your return.”

"Look, we know you didn’t want a big welcome back kind of party, so it’s just us, some cake, and pure vibes.” Hen looked at Marceline thoughtfully with a small smile.

It really was just Bobby, Hen, Chimney, and Athena. The presence of Buck was missing, but that wasn’t too surprising, he tended to be late to almost everything.

Bobby then held up a cake with a bright smile. “It’s ice cream cake, your favorite.”

Yes, ice cream cake is indeed Marceline’s favorite. And, yes, she really did not want to make a big deal about her return... but the hopeful and expecting looks on her teams faces made her throw away her previous reservations.

“Alright, fine.” she sighed before playfully shoving Chimney’s arm off of her shoulder. “I guess, I’ll enjoy myself until we have a call.”

“Ah, that’s the spirit!” Athena smiled and clapped her hands together. “Okay, here are the plates and the utensils-”

“Hey guys, sorry for being late,” Buck’s voice filled the air and Marceline almost instantly whipped around with a dumbest smile on her face. “But I wanted to bring Abby,”

Abby? Who the fuck was Abby?

Marceline’s smile wavered at the sight of a redheaded woman who was at least double her own age standing behind Buck. With closer inspection, they were holding hands.

Oh...

“That’s alright Buck, c’mon and get some cake before Marceline eats the whole thing,” Bobby smiled at the other man and waved the couple over.

"Well, I felt a little silly coming here without anything so I brought brownies,” Abby smiled lightly, holding up store-bought brownies as she walked over.

“All food is welcomed,” Athena replied in kind to her before sneaking at glance at Marceline who stood scarily still and was obviously biting back a few emotions.

Abby nodded and placed the brownies on the table as she took a plate that Buck handed her before turning her attention to Marceline. “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met, I’m Abby, I’ve heard great things about you”

Marceline hated how almost on sight she hated Abby’s guts. And it was over a stupid fucking reason, a boy. God, way to be less of a fucking feminist, Marceline.

So she put on one of her best “this is fine, I’m perfectly okay” which meant a tight smile plastered on her face and shoved every dark and ugly emotion she had into the deepest parts of her soul.

You could do this, you can fake being nice and perfectly okay, you’ve done this your whole life.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Abby, I’m Marceline,”

@skyslowalking​ & @beelarson 4 u darlings <3​

[ihatecoconut]

Working it Out

Cross Posted to AO3

Phillip was staring out the window when she stepped into their room. He hadn’t even remembered to loosen his tie, which was odd because he hated wearing them and always removed them as soon as possible.

“Hey.”

He turned, smiling slightly when he saw her, “Hi.”

Martha stepped up behind him, hooked her chin over his shoulder and looked out to what he was staring at. Henry and Alex were in the courtyard, holding hands, Bea with them and they were all laughing.

“They look happy.”

Phillip nodded.

She pulled him away from the window gently, sitting them both down on the ornamental sofa which he had once told her was probably more decorative than functional, and took his hands in her own.

“What are you thinking?”

“They released their photos today.”

“Alex and Henry’s?”

He nodded, staring down at their joined hands.

“Hey,” she said, nudging his chin up so he was looking her in the eye, “I thought we were supporting them.”

“We are,” he replied almost instantly, “of course we are, I want Henry to be happy.”

Martha nodded, carefully, “So what’s the problem?”

“Have you seen them? The photos?”

She shook her head, “Why?”

Phillip glanced back towards the window. “They looked happy. Real. Like they were actually in love.”

“They are.”

“I know!” He cried, pulling away from her. “And so are we!”

“Pip, love,” she rose to stand in front of him, “I don’t understand.”

He sighed, dropping his head onto her shoulder and making a small noise when she ran her fingers through his hair. “Ours looked fake.”

“Our photos?”

She felt him nod.

“And you’re… jealous?”

He stiffened slightly, raising his head. “Yes. I suppose I am.”

“Is there something else?” she pushed gently, seeing his eyes stray back to the window again.

“He- Henry- he said he wanted to live his truth.”

“By being gay.” she prompted.

He nodded, absently, as if that wasn’t what he was trying to convey. “And Bea, too, she can be open now about her addictions.”

Something clicked in Martha’s head then, “Both of them are able to be themselves after being supressed.”

“I did that.” He said miserably. “I didn’t mean to, but I did that. And I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Do you want to be someone else?”

He paused, drawing away from her and walking over to the mantlepiece, “Will you always love me?” He asked, suddenly the quiet, shy boy she had first met who was mostly overshadowed by the prince.

“Always.” She replied. “Even if you tell me that you’re also gay, I’d be very heartbroken, but I’ll always support you and love you.”

He laughed slightly at that, “No, no, I’m not…” he frowned, turning serious again, “I don’t like children.”

“Alright.”

“And I don’t want to be a father.”

“We don’t have to have children.”

“But the monarchy-“

She stepped forward again, cupping his face in her hands, “You have two siblings and plenty of cousins. It doesn’t just fall on us.”

He nodded, not meeting her eyes, “I just feel like something will go wrong if we don’t.”

“Things could go wrong anyway.”

“I suppose. I wish I could talk to them.”

They had somehow managed to drift back to the window and were looking out again on Henry, Alex, and Bea. Catherine had joined them, and she hugged both her children and Alex fiercely.

Martha paused, “I might have a solution for that.”

*

“Family therapy?” Bea repeated, a little incredulously.

“Yes.” Phillip was standing opposite the three of them, Alex having been sent back to America, and desperately wishing he had brought Martha with him.

“Oh, so after all those years of…”

“I think it’s a great idea.” Catherine interrupted loudly, cutting off whatever angry rant Bea was building up to.

Phillip glanced over to his brother who had remained silent for the whole discussion, “Henry?”

Henry startled at the sound of his name, as if he hadn’t been expecting to be called on. “Uh, I agree with mum.”

“You do?” Bea asked.

He nodded, “I think we need this.”

“Need what?” Bea demanded, “some stranger digging around in our issues?”

“It’s more some stranger helping to solve our issues.” Phillip offered, shutting up when she sent him a glare.

“Well,” Catherine said, attempting to stave off an argument, “that’s three votes for yes. So, we’ll try it.”

“Were you going to invite gran?” Henry asked, glancing at Phillip and then away again. He still seemed incredibly awkward around Phillip, but then Phillip had a lot to answer for.

“No. I don’t think she would…”

There were general mumbles of agreement from the other three.

“Alright.” Catherine clapped her hands together, as if sealing the deal. “Pip, did you have any in mind, or would you like to look together?”

“Martha recommended a few, I thought you might like to look at.”

“Then we’ll look.” She smiled at him, proud of his planning and it hit him in the chest like a bullet.

*

“You think that was the first time she had smiled at you in a while?” the Doctor asked once they had finished recapping how they arrived at family therapy.

Phillip nodded, not meeting anyone’s eyes.

“Alright.” She made a few notes in the notebook she had brought.

Phillip used that moment to look around the room. They had managed to choose a therapist who was willing to come to them, so they didn’t have the security risk of them all leaving the palace together, and Catherine had volunteered one of her rooms to be used. She had called it a ‘neutral area’, but it just seemed like a reminder of what they had lost.

He hadn’t been in her rooms in years.

“Beatrice,” the Doctor continued, looking up,

“Just Bea, please.”

She tilted her head in acceptance, “Bea. Why did you have such a strong objection to this?”

Bea wriggled slightly. “I had to see therapists when I was in rehab.”

“Bad experience?”

“They just dug around in my head and kept asking questions about Dad that I didn’t want to answer, but they forced me to.”

The Doctor’s brow creased slightly. “That won’t be what this is like, you only have to share what you’re comfortable sharing,” she paused to glance around at them, “all of you.”

“Thank you.” Bea mumbled. “But I do think we should start with the death of your father.”

Phillip looked around at their reactions- Bea was steadfastly looking at a spot on the wall over the Doctor’s shoulder, Catherine was attempting to be open and make eye contact, but the effect was mitigated by the tension in her shoulders, and Henry was the only one of them who looked ready to sit through the session. Apparently having individual therapy helped as a preparation for family therapy.

He thought the Doctor might have drawn the same conclusions because she turned to Henry first, “How did you see everyone else’s reactions?”

“Mum pulled away,” he began, quiet but strong, “Phillip was on the other side of the world anyway, but he seemed to think he needed to take over, and Bea became addicted to cocaine.”

She nodded, “It was cancer, yes? So you knew it was coming?”

“That didn’t make it easier,” Catherine objected.

“No, not at all.” She paused, setting her pen down. “In some ways that actually makes it harder, the feeling that you could have saved him in some way or the feelings you get from watching him wither away are ones that you don’t get if people die in sudden and unexpected ways.”

Catherine relaxed back in her seat, frowning down at her hands, as if considering the Doctor’s words.

“So, Henry, you didn’t tell us how you reacted to your father’s death.”

Henry froze, obviously not expecting that question, “I saw everyone else’s reactions.”

“And you lived your own.”

“I guess I just pushed myself to be perfect.”

She nodded thoughtfully. “I’m seeing some similarities here in your reactions: both Catherine and Bea pulled away from reality while Phillip and Henry tried to control what they could.”

“I didn’t pull away!” Bea objected, “I was always there for Henry.”

“Except for the time that you forced him to track you down and talk you into going to rehab.” Phillip found himself firing back.

Bea paused, eyes wide, and then turned to Henry as if she had just had an enormous realisation. “I’m sorry.” She whispered, “I never thought…”

“That’s why we’re here.” The Doctor pointed out gently. “To think about each other.”

Bea nodded, but she was still watching Henry, unsure of his reaction. The Doctor let her for a few moments before moving on.

“You also said that Phillip seemed to think he needed to take over, Phillip do you think that’s an accurate perception?”

“Yes.”

They were obviously all waiting for him to say more, but the words were half forming inside his head and leaving again.

“Alright, why did you take over?”

He paused, remembering the days after his father had died, when their mother had pulled away and refused to leave her rooms and the Queen had dragged him into her position, filling his head with finances and rules.

“Gran said that Mum broke a rule.” He began hesitantly. “She married someone the crown did not approve of.”

He heard his mother’s slightly horrified gasp before she spoke.

“Are you saying she said his death was a punishment for breaking a rule?”

Phillip looked down at the carpet, willing the Doctor to ask another question or change the subject. She didn’t.

“Yes,” he heard himself reply, as if from a distance, “that’s what she implied, she said if I ever broke a rule, things like that would happen to me, and cancer can be genetic so I thought…” he trailed off, the words getting stuck in his throat, but Bea filled in the rest for him.

“You thought me or Henry would die if you stepped out.”

He risked looking up, expecting to be mocked for his stupid ideas, but all he saw was Henry, looking at him like he finally saw him through the façade he always put up.

“And you thought if we stepped out of line, something bad would happen too?” Bea asked, Phillip looked at her and saw the same understanding that had been in Henry’s eyes.

“And something did go wrong.” Henry said, quiet, hushed. “The emails.”

“I just wanted to protect you.” He found himself whispering back. “I’m sorry.”

[xxkellsvixen19xx]

Spotlight: Life Of A Troubled Celebrity Heartthrob Ch 4

Word Count: 4,140

Colson had temporarily moved Y/N's Mom to his house in Cleveland. He was staying in New York because he had some business to take care of. He told Y/N that he would send for her on Friday morning because they had to attend a charity dinner together later that day. Melissa would have to take her shopping as usual and she was looking forward to it. Afterwards she would be meeting up with Liv and Lisa for lunch.

"So tell me about this thing you have with Colson?" Mrs Y/M/L/N patted the seat beside her and Y/N sat down.

"It's nothing Mom. I'm just helping him out." Y/N said eyeing her shoes.

"Is that all?" She pressed gently.

"I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you? Can we not do this? It's awkward. " Y/N frowned. They never had an open relationship where they could talk about everything and anything. She only had that kind of relationship with her Dad-but he was gone.

"Look Mom, I know you're trying but I need more time..but just know that Colson and I are not together. We have a great friendship and I don't expect anything more."

"But you like him or he likes you?" She squeezed Y/N's hand.

"Yes-no-look I don't know." She sighed as she stood up.

"Just be careful honey. Don't get your hopes up. Don't get me wrong-" She raised her hands, "I'm just concerned okay? Guys like Colson.."

"I know, I know." She mumbled. "You don't need to say it."

Jax came and stood at the door, interrupting the conversation.

"Good morning, Miss and Mrs Y/L/N." He bowed slightly.

"Hi Jax." Y/N smiled at him.

"Listen honey, I had forgotten that I have to attend a conference this weekend. I will be leaving tomorrow, so can we talk some more before I leave?" She asked, hopeful.

"I'll be waiting in the car." Jax announced and left them alone.

"Yeah, sure. Maybe when I get back okay? I'll probably be gone when you get back anyway." They embraced and Y/N left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Slim, get in here." Colson said over the intercom. He was in his New York office and trying to think of ways to spend more time with Y/N, without being too obvious.

"Hey Col! What's up man?" Slim bounced into the office and threw himself on the corner coach.

"Are you and Kinky free tonight?" Colson asked as he typed something on his iMac.

"Yeah, Sommer and I have plans..why? Wanna join in? Tired of being a pro-golfer whenever you sleep with Bambi? " He cackled as he smacked his knee.

"There's more to relationships than sex dude." Colson scoffed, still staring at the computer screen.

"Ahhh..so you're admitting that you're in a relationship are you??" He nodded slowly.

"Shut up." Colson responded.

"You're too uptight this morning..maybe you need a hit?" Slim dug his hand in his pocket and produced a tiny vile of cocaine to Colson that he had tried to stay away from for five straight days now. He looked away and felt his resolve slipping away.

"C'mon..you know you wanna." Slim coaxed him as he dangled it in front of Colson's face.

"Set it up while I lock the door." Colson said, as he sighed in defeat. He convinced himself that this would be the last time. After this he wouldn't go anywhere near drugs-including his sleeping pills. Besides it wasn't going to hurt anyone..was it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Colson woke up and found himself on the floor in his office. Slim was passed out a few feet away from him. He didn't remember how he got there though. There was a soft, incessant tap on his door and his body felt so heavy, he could barely lift his head. The knock continued and it became rather irritating.

"Go away!" He groaned with the little energy he could muster.

"Colson, it's Byron here. We had a meeting with that film producer remember?? A verry important meeting. We need to leave now or we won't be able to make it." Silence.

"Colson?" Byron sighed and shook his head as he walked away from the door.

He knew that he had to try and re-schedule. Whenever Colson and Slim got together they got high. Byron had been standing knocking at the door for more than an hour. Unfortunately Colson's office was sound proof and there were no glass walls or windows to peer through. Numerous times Byron had tried to get them to counselling or rehab but they always brushed him off. It was all in the name of fun they assured him but this was becoming a problem that would affect Colson's career. He had already been arrested and he was still trying to do damage control. This couldn't go on, it had to stop.

"Y/N, Byron here. Hope you're good." He smiled into the phone. "Sorry to drop this on you but-I need you to come to New York earlier than planned-like today."

Colson dragged himself off the floor and staggered towards the bathroom. The drugs were wearing off but he was feeling the after effects now. The coke was much stronger than before, he was totally knocked out. A cold shower usually sobered him up a bit and he needed to pull himself together. He had a stool in his shower for such instances and he pushed it against the wall then fell onto it as he opened the cold water tap to maximum. He stripped his soaking clothes off as he began to feel better, then he adjusted the water to luke-warm.

"Why? Why? Why?" He screamed at himself as he pulled on his hair.

The guilt came at him like a flood and it brought along its cousins. Tears coursed down his face and mingled with the water and he let them flow. Why couldn't he stop? He wanted to but he just couldn't bring himself to break the addiction, especially when he was surrounded by it. It seemed like everyone in the entertainment industry was hooked on drugs, sex and alcohol. It was proving to be difficult to stop altogether because he had no other means of escape. At least when he was high he could forget-even for a short moment-he could slip into oblivion and escape from it all; the pressure, the high expectations, the fake people that constantly surrounded him.

Although he always had people around him he always felt so alone. Nobody loved him. His grandparents were senile and didn't remember who he was half the time. So he was totally alone in this world. Everyone just wanted a piece of him for selfish reasons. No one showed any genuine interest in him without a hidden motive. Well, until Y/N..

He smiled as he thought about her while he dried his hair. His heart swelled and his stomach muscles constricted. He missed her dearly, more than he cared to admit. Maybe he would send for her earlier than planned or he would fly to Cleveland and fetch her himself. Yes, that's exactly what he would do he thought with a renewed purpose. He walked into his closet and got dressed quickly and went to check on Slim.

Slim was still passed out on the floor and it was beginning to bother Colson. He bent over him and shook him but he didn't budge. What was even more worrying is that that he was frothing at the mouth and his nose was bleeding.

"Byron! Get here now!" Colson shouted into his cellphone. He unlocked the door and waited anxiously for Byron to come.

"I'm here. What's-" He froze as he took in the sight in front of him. "We need to get him to the hospital. Get out of here, I'll handle this." He locked the office door again.

"But I can't just leave-" Colson protested.

"Go! You know the drill Colson. You can't be seen here okay just leave through the secret passageway. Now!" He pushed Colson towards the private exit point. "I'll call you." He said before closing the door.

Colson made a run for it and found a car waiting for him.

"Bro, please take me to the hanger I need to fly to Cleveland as soon as possible. Call the pilot and ask him to get clearance or whatever." He instructed the driver.

"Sure thing Colson." The driver replied.

He bounced his knee and bit on his nails, something he always did when he was super-stressed. What if Slim didn't make it? How would he live with himself? He promised himself that if Slim survived then he would never-

"Yes." He snapped as he answered the phone.

"It's handled. Slim has been taken to a private hospital so he's in good hands." Byron said calmly.

"Great." He breathed a sigh of relief. "Listen we'll have to meet in Norway-I'm going to Cleveland. Can you check if the jet is cleared?" Colson gripped the phone until his knuckles turned white.

"Yes. I had it done earlier, had a feeling you might want to go." Byron said. His instincts were right after all.

"Thanks..for everything." Colson said.

*******************************************

"Hey."

"Colson?" Y/N tucked the phone between her ear and her shoulder. Liv and Lisa squealed in delight. She had met them for lunch.

"Guess what? I'm in Cleveland!" He said trying to sound dramatic.

"Oh..I thought I was supposed to come there this evening?" She put down her cutlery and held her phone.

"Yeah, but there was a slight change of plans..You don't want to see me?"

"No, of course I do. I-I'm glad to know-that you're here?" She said flustered. Her appetite was long gone by now and she grabbed a glass of wine and gulped it down. Did he fly all the way down here especially for her or he was here for another reason? Lisa and Liv had stopped eating and they were staring at her.

"You're still there sweets?" He asked.

"Yeah..so where are you?"

"I just jetted in. Was hopping I could join you for lunch?" He pressed gently.

"Yeah of course..I-we're at The Capital Grille on Superior Avenue. I'm sure you can find it?" She replied, avoiding looking at her friends. Their faces lit up with excitement at they shamelessly listened in to the conversation.

"See you in a bit sweets."

"Hold the phone! He's coming here isn't he?" Liv exclaimed, not knowing what to do with herself.

"Yes. You do know that it's rude to listen in to someone else's conversation?" Y/N said as she gulped down a glass of water.

"So should we go? Should we stay?" Lisa added, her eyes shining.

"Let's go to the bathroom and regroup shall we?" Liv suggested. "Besides your face needs a bit of work babe. You look like you were running a marathon." She threw her napkin on the table and held out her hand to Y/N as they stood up.

"I'll stay." Lisa offered. "Just in case-you know?"She shrugged and tossed her hair back.

"You know this isn't necessary." Y/N protested as Liv powdered her face. "He has seen me without make-up and probably knows what my morning breath smells like..so.."

"Overshare alert." Liv rolled her eyes. "He must really like you, you know?"

"What makes you think that?" Y/N frowned at her reflection in the mirror.

"Well..you've slept in the same bed on many occasions and he didn't try to take things further. I mean who does that? He's Colson Baker! He could have had you just by blinking in your direction but he hasn't." She observed.

"I know right? But what if it's an angle? All part of his game?" She voiced her thoughts.

"Sweetheart, this is Colson-freakin-Baker. what could he possibly gain from having sex with a college student? If I was in your shoes I would have been all over that hot bod! You're wasting a perfectly good dish.. Just let me at him!" Liv clawed the air and they burst into laughter.

They had just settled at the table when Y/N's phone rang again.

"Hey sweets. I'm parked outside. I can't come in because I don't have any guards with me and I don't want to cause a commotion. So do you and your friends mind if we go some where else?"

"Okay sure." Y/N said.

"Great. I'll pick you up at the front entrance." He replied.

"Hey, listen..Colson wants us to meet him out front like now-so let's go." Y/N stood and hurried her friends along.

Colson pulled up in his black matte Aston Martin DB11, looking hotter than the sun. He was dressed in full white, shorts and a white v-neck t-shirt and completed the look with his Ray Ban police sunglasses, his hair messier than usual because the drop-top was down. They all jumped in with squeals of delight from Liv and Lisa.

"Oh my days!! I'm in Colson Baker's car!" Lisa kept saying over and over again. She sounded like a scratched record.

"Careful there, you might just inspire me to write a new song." Colson laughed.

"Hi! By the way I'm Lisa and this is Liv. Oh my days! I still can't believe I'm-Ahhh!" Lisa screamed like a typical groupie. Liv just sat with her hands on her head chanting "Oh my gosh." repeatedly.

"Interesting friends you got there Bambi." He stole a glance as he fixed his eyes back on the road. Gosh, he had missed her. " You miss me much? Or I didn't stay away long enough??" Colson threw a smile at Y/N.

"You should have stayed away a little longer Baker." She smiled at him. She had missed him but she was never going to tell him that. Her heart was racing just by being so close to him and her stomach was in knots. She had it bad. This was more than a crush.

"Aww you two are so sweet!" Lisa gushed.

"I know right?" Colson winked at Y/N.

"So where to?" Y/N asked.

"We are going to leave your friends at the mall to do a bit of shopping on me of course- because-they will be coming to spend the weekend with us in New York." Lisa and Liv let out loud screams and it was difficult to contain them after that. They started talking in excited whispers at the back.

"And then we are going to spend some QT alone..seeing as you my bae and all that." He squeezed her hand. He played it down. He really wanted-no he needed to be alone with Y/N right now. She had this calming effect on him and he needed that right now. He just wanted to enjoy this time with her and just forget about everything and everyone else.

"Oh, sounds good." She said. Did he really want to spend time alone with her or it was just to appease the media? Either way she didn't mind the logic behind it, she would milk it for everything it was worth.

"You don't have to if you don't want to. I just thought the press would be curious as to why we hardly make public appearances." He lied but it caused untold damage to Y/N's heart.

"Yeah. I understand." She said with a smug smile.

"But don't get me wrong I don't mind. In case you didn't notice, I kinda enjoy your company sweets." He lifted their joined hands and kissed hers.

"Did you see that?!!" Liv exclaimed to Lisa as she pointed to the front..

"You ain't seen nothing yet babe." Colson chuckled as he turned up the music.

*********************************************

Colson drove his car into an estate located within a forest and by a lakeside. It was a private wooded lot with it's very own well maintained pond. The house was stunning, a two-story home which stretched for miles and a serene lake shore which was sure to take your breath away.

"In case you're wondering..this is my childhood home. No one lives here besides the hired help of course." He said as he pulled into the garage and turned of the ignition. "I usually come here to de-stress. Thought you might like it. Let's go inside." He held the door open for Y/N and she stepped out.

"It's beautiful." She sighed. "So is this like your happy place?" She asked, her face full of mischief.

"Bambi-you are my happy place." He turned and held her face.

"Oh." Her cheeks reddened.

"You look so cute when you blush" He laughed softly. Come on, there's something that I need to show you." He tugged her hand and led her to the back of the house. They came to the top of a hill and just at the bottom was an encased tree house. The only way to get there was by sliding through a tunnel.

"Baker are you a fan of Alice in Wonderland?" Y/N grinned at him.

"Not me but my Mom was. We would sit here together for hours you know. Reading, playing board games or we would have a picnic. Actually..she kind of inspired my plans today." He pulled her towards the tunnel and he slid through and she did the same.

"So how do we get out of here?" She looked around, confused.

"Aahhh..You will just have to wait and see." He said in a mysterious voice as he gently tapped the tip of her nose with his finger. "Welcome to my magical world." They stepped inside and she twirled around, taking everything in. This tree house was way too fancy to be called that. It was more like a luxurious cabin in the woods. There was a plush Persian rug on the floor and a worn L-shaped brown leather couch, with a large wall-mounted flat screen TV, a small bathroom and open-plan kitchen. There was a separate door that led to the bedroom which contained a comfortable queen-size bed.

"FYI..this is not a tree-house." Y/N said and Colson laughed.

"Go big or go home right?" He threw himself on the couch and switched on the TV.

"So are we going to sit around and watch TV all day?" Y/N asked as she sat next to him.

"And what would you rather we do sweets?" The look he gave her made her blush because it clearly stated his intentions.

"I would rather-explore." She blurted out and her hands flew to her mouth.

"You walked straight into that one didn't you?" Colson gasped as he held his stomach.

"Not funny Baker." She folded her arms and pretended to sulk.

"I'm sorry but that-" He laughed "was epic Bambi."

"You know what I meant but as usual you twisted it in your perverted mind."

"You know what I'd like to do right now?" His face grew serious and he inched towards her.

"No." She knew exactly what he wanted but she wanted to hear him say it. His face was a whisper away from hers and she could feel his warm breath caress her face. She kept reminding herself to breath otherwise she was going to pass out. He stared deep into her eyes, trying to read her expression before pulling away suddenly.

"Let's play a little game?" He cleared his throat and walked over to the TV and the remote. "You're in?"

"Yeah." She pushed back her hair and shifted in her seat.

"We're going to play our own version of Karaoke." He scrolled down the screen and connected to the YouTube homepage. "You know that music speaks right? So we going to choose songs that speak to each other. Got it?"

"I'm not sure I do.." She frowned.

"Look sweets-you and I have chemistry. There's no denying that right?" He tilted her chin up and looked into her eyes.

"Correct."

"So..we're having a problem communicating our feelings to each other right?"

"Yes but I can't sing." She bit her bottom lip.

"Who cares? You're not here for an audition sweets." He brushed her off. "This is the best way for us to tell the other person what we're feeling or thinking. By choosing a specific song and singing it-word for word. Don't worry it won't be so bad. I'll go first." He selected his song and she smiled.

"Interesting choice."

"Dance with me." He pulled her close and sang the song to her, meaning every word and she knew it. This wasn't an act. This was exactly how he felt. She was thinking how she was going to top this.

𝑨𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒍, 𝒐𝒉-𝒐𝒉-𝒐𝒉-𝒐𝒉, 𝒌𝒏𝒆𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒄𝒊𝒂𝒍 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝑰 𝒔𝒂𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖 (𝑺𝒂𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖), 

𝑰 𝒔𝒂𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒉 𝑰 𝒔𝒂𝒊𝒅 𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒍, 𝒐𝒉-𝒐𝒉-𝒐𝒉-𝒐𝒉, 𝑰 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒆𝒓 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 (𝑪𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖), 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖

'𝑪𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝑰 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 

𝑨𝒍𝒍 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒔𝒆𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝑰 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆 (𝑳𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝑰 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆) 

𝒀𝒆𝒂𝒉, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝑰 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝑰 𝒔𝒊𝒏

𝑴𝒂𝒚𝒃𝒆 𝒘𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒃𝒐𝒓𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒊𝒇 𝒘𝒆'𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒆𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 

𝒀𝒆𝒂𝒉, 𝒊𝒇 𝒘𝒆'𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒆𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔

(Credit Angel by The Weeknd)

"Your turn." He handed her the remote and she thought of the perfect song.

𝑺𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒃𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒎𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒕𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝑰𝒕 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒐𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈

𝑵𝒐 𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒐𝒓 𝒅𝒐 𝑰'𝒍𝒍 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝑰'𝒎 𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒆 

𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒅 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒐𝒖𝒄𝒉

𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒔

𝑰 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒐 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 

𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒓𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒏

𝑶𝒉, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒆 '𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝑰'𝒎 𝒇𝒓𝒂𝒈𝒊𝒍𝒆 

𝑾𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈 

𝑩𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒐𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒎𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒍𝒆 

𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒚 𝒇𝒓𝒂𝒈𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒈𝒕𝒉 𝒊𝒔 𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒆

(Credit Gravity by Sarah Bareilles)

He looked at her with such passion in his eyes as she sang, his arms circled her waist and brought her closer until they were chest to chest. All he wanted to do was feel her soft cherry lips on his and he hoped she wouldn't turn away.

"I'm going to kiss you now." He simply stated before his lips came crushing down on hers. He kissed her possessively until she was limp in his arms.

"I've been dying to do that all day," He smiled into her lips and kissed her one more time.

"What took you so long." She panted and placed her hands on his chest.

"That's what I've been asking myself." He laughed, his blue eyes shining. "Let's get out of here before I take you right here and right now." She gasped and he laughed.

He took her through a trap door that led to another tunnel that went straight to the dock.

"Would you like to go on a boat ride or do you get seasick?" He asked as they stood on the gangplank.

"Let's go!" She pulled him towards the speed boat.

"Alright, alright." He untied the boat and help her get in. She stood beside him as they took off, her head resting on his shoulder.

"We're just in time to watch the sunset." He pointed to the orange horizon. "The best way to take it in is if we relax in the cockpit." He turned of the engine and allowed the boat to float. Fortunately the boat had a dual console deck and the lounge area had comfortable u-shape leather seats, where could lie down or sit with your feet up.

Colson lay with Y/N in silence, her head on his shoulder as they watched the sunset.

"I have one last song to play for you." He slipped a pair of blue-tooth headphones over her head and put his on afterwards. She snuggled close to him and they were face to face as he sang the song to her.

𝑻𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒊𝒏 

𝑵𝒐 𝒒𝒖𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒂𝒔𝒌𝒆𝒅 

𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒊𝒑 𝒂𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒖𝒈𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔 

𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒔 𝒎𝒆 (𝑾𝒉𝒐 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖?)

𝑨𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒏 𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒍? 

𝑨𝒎 𝑰 𝒂𝒍𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒆? 

𝑰 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒘𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 

𝑾𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰'𝒎 𝒅𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒏 𝑴𝒚 𝒌𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒔 (𝑾𝒉𝒐 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖?)

𝑺𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒕 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 

𝑰𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒆

(Credit Sweet Surrender by Sarah McLaughlin)

She smiled at him and he caressed he cheek. No one had ever sang to her before-like this. She didn't know how to feel or how to react. Her heart wanted to burst out of her chest. How could she not fall in love with this person when he did such things to her. Little things meant a lot to Y/N. Such small gestures hooked her and reeled her in.

She was a goner-she thought to herself before falling asleep on Colson's broad chest.

Tagged: @kellysimagines

[pogueshomecoming]

Cocaine - JJ Maybank

Requested? yes: "can you do a JJ fic where he gets roped into doing cocaine at a Kook party and ends up becoming a little abusive towards the reader? and she recognizes it as the actions of his father."

pairing: jj Maybank x reader

fill out this survey to join my taglist(s), here's my masterlist, and requests are open!

warnings: mention of drug use, mention of abuse, yelling/arguing, shoving

word count: 3.1k

++

It wasn't often that the Pogues wanted to crash a Kook party. Why would they when a keg on the point was enough for them?

Tonight was different. JJ and John B wanted to go have some fun, and maybe cause a little trouble. Initially, you, Pope, and Kie protested. There wasn't any reason that they needed to go looking for a fight. Eventually, their persuasive words won. Only on the promise that there would be absolutely no fighting.

You and Kie decided to stick together. Then you both decided it would be a good idea to keep tabs on John B and JJ from afar. You trusted your boyfriend, and even more so with John B by his side, but it was an extra precaution.

After making sure you were in the same room as them for about two hours, Kie sighs. "I think we're in the clear. We never stay a lot longer than this anyway, so they should be ready to go soon. Let's go see if we can swipe some weed to take home."

John B was chatting up a girl, and JJ seemed to be acing the wingman role, so you agreed and followed Kie outside. You texted Pope to wait ten minutes before finding John B and JJ to tell them we're leaving. Ten minutes was just enough for everything to turn to shit.

Kie worked her magic on some Kooks that hadn't been on the island long. You watched her eat up how gullible they are. Five minutes left on the clock. You knew the group would have to go right after Kie snagged what she wanted because it could cause trouble if they realize what she'd taken.

She sits down between them, right where the bag is sitting. If they're stupid enough to show off their product, they're dumb enough to let it get taken. Plus, the name "dirty pogues" didn't come from nowhere. Kie was the perfect bait, though, because everyone knew her parents were kooks, but these newbies weren't aware that she was not.

Kie pulls her phone from her back pocket, likely shoving the bag in its place. Each of the boys enters their number. Two minutes left. She stands up, immediately turning to face them both. You can see the bag slightly poking out of her pocket. She keeps backing up until she's far enough they won't notice, waving goodbye and blowing them a kiss. As soon as she turns back to you, the two if you quickly make it inside and through the house.

Back at the van, Pope is nowhere to be found, and neither are the other two. The timer has less than a minute left, but Pope is always punctual. Kie stashes the bag in the hiding spot under the backseat and joins you in leaning against the outside.

Your phone rings with a new text message from Pope.

Need help with JJ.

"That can't be good." Kie rolls her eyes, and you groan.

"Ten minutes, that's all it was. Okay, I'm going back in, but you stay here. Have the van ready in case he's pissed someone off." Kie salutes you, and you disappear back into the house.

It's not very far through the front door that you're met with John B and Pope pretty much carrying JJ. They each have one of his arms hung around their shoulders, and they're supporting his weight as he stumbles.

"What the fuck? John B, what happened?"

John B only looks at you with guilt all over his face. "We'll explain in the van, we gotta get out of here first."

Pope's words make you look at him but not for long because JJs head drops to his chest, and you reach forward to lift it back up. His eyes are glossy and red, but a slow smile spreads across his face at the sight of you.

"Hello, gorgeous! I've missed you all night."

"Hi, JJ." You say softly, but the worry is written all over your face.

Finally, you push through the front door. Kie gets out of the driver's seat from starting the car and pulls open the back door. "What the hell happened to him? Is he okay?"

"Depends on how much coke someone can do in ten minutes. John B doesn't think there was enough time for him to get enough that would hurt him." Pope blabs, causing John B to curse at him as they set JJ into the backseat.

"Coke? John B are you fucking kidding me? You did coke? That shit is dangerous! Even more so for him, have you met his dad? I'm going to kill you." Anger is written all over your face as you shove John B with both palms on his chest.

"I didn't do any, I turned my back for a few minutes, and then he was gone! It's not my fault, don't push me." John B sounds like a child, and it only makes you angrier. Angry to the point of tears.

"You said nothing would happen tonight. You said you'd be there with him. You said he'd be okay." You push him again with each sentence. Pope grabs you from behind, crossing your arms against your chest. The tears stream down your face with no end in sight.

"I know what I said. Fuck you, I didn't put him in danger on purpose." John B's voice is low, which is a sign that he's angry at you too.

"Come on, guys. This isn't helping, we need to get back to John B's so we can make a decision." Kie steps in between you two and holds her arms out.

"Fine."

You crawl into the back with JJ. He's slumped with his back to the center console and legs stretched out in front of him. You reach for one of his hands as you sit down next to him, and Kie crawls in with you.

"Are you awake, J? Can you feel me?" You give a gentle squeeze, and his eyes barely move to look at yours. It seems like they're going to roll back into his head.

"Can you tell me how many lines you did?" Kie speaks up this time, leaning in front of his face so he can see her.

JJ shakes his head. "I feel great, guys. There's no need to worry." He slurs. You and John B make eye contact through the rearview mirror, and you look away immediately.

"He's never done coke before. It's unlikely, but even one line could cause an overdose. We just need to keep him awake." You look out the window to see you've made it about halfway to your destination.

There's a knot in the pit of your stomach, and you feel like you're going to be sick every time you look at JJ. His hands are shaking, he's sweating, his breathing is heavy, and you place a hand on his chest to confirm that his heart rate has increased. You're scared for him.

Kie continues to talk to him to keep him awake. He's replying, but he doesn't sound anything like himself. You've pretty much zoned out everything by the time you arrive at John B's.

You're the first one out of the van, meeting John B as he hops out of the driver's seat. "You're going to deal with this. You're going to fix this. It's on you if anything happens to him."

The angry but empty threats spill out of your gritted teeth. You turn your back to the house and walk down to the dock to sit. No one follows. Everyone else helps JJ inside. You can't look at him like that because it scares you. You know that as his girlfriend, you should be right there by his side but you can't.

It's at least a couple of hours before you hear footsteps behind you. When you turn to see who's sat down next to you, you see John B.

"I'm sorry, Y/N." His voice is hoarse like he's been crying or yelling or maybe both. "I was talking to a girl, and she dragged me away to uh... anyway, JJ obviously didn't follow because it would've been fucking weird. I didn't think he'd go down to the basement where they were doing those things he never has before. I thought he was coming to find you. Then Pope appeared and said he couldn't find JJ, and it was too late by then." His forearms rest on his knees while his hands are tangled in each other. John B genuinely feels terrible.

"I shouldn't have blamed you. I was, and still am scared. Addiction runs in families, and it only takes one time to get hooked. But JJ is his own person, and I can't blame you for what he did. I'm sorry." You lean into his side, and he swings an arm around your shoulders.

"It's alright. I get it. We do have to be careful with him and these things, I know that now. Anyway, he's coming down, and he asked to see you. If you don't want to yet, I can tell him you went home." John B turns his head to look at your instead of the water in front of you.

"No I want to. I can't have him thinking I ran out on him. Can he come out here?"

John B nods and gets up to go back to the house. "Thanks, JB."

He gives you a smile, and you listen to his footsteps retreating. It's only a few minutes later before you hear another set approaching you, so you stand up and turn to face JJ.

"What, you didn't want to come to me?" He holds his arms out to the side in a big shrug, but you're caught off guard by his tone. It's not JJs usual sarcastic and playful tone.

You let out a small chuckle, trying to play it off. His eyes darken, and he shakes his head. "I wasn't kidding, Y/N. You ditch me for two hours and then demand I come to you? What the fuck?"

This wasn't your JJ. The soft and sweet JJ that held you when you were scared or just feeling lonely. This was a different side of him, one you'd never seen before, but it felt familiar for a reason you couldn't explain. It was a feeling.

"I was scared. I'm sorry, J. I didn't know how cocaine would affect you." You step back as he takes another step forward.

"You just didn't want me to have any fun. You think I didn't notice you at the party? Conveniently in every room, I was, watching me like a hawk, making sure I didn't do anything you wouldn't approve of." The corners of JJs mouth turn down into a frown as he points a finger at you and sneers.

"I w-was just looking out for you. You always seem to fight with a kook when we go to those parties. I want to prevent it, that's all." You put your hands up like you're surrendering.

"No, what you were doing was suffocating me. Fuck, Y/N. I'm not something you get to control." JJ steps closer to you, but you can't step any further back without falling into the water. "Do you understand me?"

His finger jabs into your chest hard enough that you think you'll have a bruise.

"I wasn't trying to control you, JJ. I was trying to make sure you didn't do anything stupid, but it didn't matter because you did it anyway." You fight back. You're not going to shrink to his angry words.

"That's where we disagree, sweetheart. It wasn't stupid, it was fun. I've never been so high. I was floating, drifting, finally not having to think about all the shit that goes on around here. Finally not thinking about everything I go through anymore. Look at this, Y/N." JJ lifts his shirt to reveal a nasty bruise with a gash right through it. Your jaw drops, it had to be recent because you hadn't seen it yet.

"It finally didn't hurt anymore."

It clicks with you. This is all familiar to you already because JJ's father is just like this. Luke is fine when he's high, but once he comes down, he's angry and mean.

"Okay, so let's get this straight, yeah?" You nod at him and he nods back at you, a little bit of confusion coming to his face. "You did this to not feel anything. To get away from how your dad makes you feel, right?"

JJ nods again, his head titled sideways ever so slightly like a confused puppy.

"So how do you think you're making me feel? You're acting just like him right now, JJ, but I know you're better than this, better than him." Your eyes are pointed as you jab his chest just like he did yours. Your face is straight, with no emotion, but his angry face returns in seconds.

"How dare you, Y/N. I'm not any better than him, and I never will be. I'm destined to turn out like him. Why can't you see that? You expect so much, I can't fucking take it!"

Without warning, he pushes your shoulders, and you lose your footing, falling back first into the water. When you surface, John B is pulling JJ away from the dock. "What the hell, JJ? You don't lay your hands on her, ever!"

As John B drags him away, Pope and Kiara lean over the deck to make sure you're okay. Besides having the wind knocked out of you, you don't have a scratch. You're not bothered by JJs words because you know he didn't mean it, you're just hoping he'll come to his senses.

Kie and Pope each give you a hand to hold on to as they help pull you out of the water. Kie gets you an extra set of clothes out of the ones you two had left here for emergencies. You change on the front porch, listening to John B and JJ fight inside.

She's waiting for you back outside, laying on the hammock with Pope. They hold their arms out, and you climb over Kie to lay in their middle. Kie immediately wraps her arms around you because she knows you love to cuddle. Pope shows his affection by giving your shoulder a squeeze.

"You okay?"

A sigh leaves your lips. "Yeah, I'll be okay. JJ didn't hurt me in any way. I just hope I said enough to make him realize he's wrong. JJ isn't his dad, he's nowhere close." Kie squeezes you tighter. Pope pushes his hand against the tree so the hammock sways. It's the middle of the night, so it's a good thing that John B doesn't have any neighbors to worry about.

Eventually, the two of them fall asleep, but you can't. John B and JJ are still going at it, but not as frequently. It gets quiet for what you'd guess is thirty minutes, and then they start up again. There's no telling what's been broken in there.

Finally, at dawn, you're starting to get sleepy when the squeaky porch door opens. You expect to see John B with an update for you, but instead, it's JJ. His eyes are sad, but so is his whole face. He's exhausted, and you can tell in the way his shoulders are slumped.

JJ doesn't notice you're awake at first, but when he does, he can't look you in your eyes. You crawl back over Kie, very ungracefully, and eventually get yourself untangled and back on your feet.

"Want to talk, down on the dock?" You hold your hand out, and he looks up at you finally. His eyes are red and full of tears, but he gently takes your hand.

"I know you're disappointed." JJ's voice is so quiet that it breaks your heart.

"Oh, baby. I'm not. I-"You reach out for him, but he steps away and cuts you off.

"You should be. That was terrible, I'm terrible. I didn't mean any of those things I said to you. You're not suffocating, you're nowhere close. You care about me and you love me more than I could ever ask for or deserve. I pushed you, Y/N. Why would you even want to look at me? I hate myself for this." JJ completely breaks down in front of you. Somewhere in his speech, his voice broke and it was like a dam holding in all of his cries and sobs. You step forward, and he doesn't fight you as you wrap your arms around his shaking body. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please, don't leave me. I'm sorry."

He's gripping your shirt for dear life as if you'll start to disintegrate and slip right through his fingers.

"Hey, listen, I'm okay. It's okay. I'm not hurt. Now you know, right? That shit isn't anything to mess around with." Your fingers comb through his unruly hair. He nods against your chest.

"Never again, because you were right. I'm better than Luke Maybank. I'm not him, and I'm not going to turn into him. I owe it all to you and your unconditional love." JJ peers up at you. His blue eyes are shining, almost the prettiest color blue you've ever seen them.

"Oh come on now, you owe yourself the credit. Besides, I didn't truly know what unconditional love was until I met you and the pogues, so you get credit for that too." You smile at him, and he hesitates, but slowly, he smiles back.

"I'm so happy to have my boy back. Now, I need to clean that ugly cut on your stomach before it gets infected."

"Eh, I don't think it will. I'm pretty sure I poured vodka in it at the party." JJ lifts up his shirt again so you can see it. Instead of looking at it again, you reach up and wipe the stray tears off of his face. His attention is entirely yours now.

"You're insane, JJ Maybank, absolutely insane."

Before he can reply, someone speaks up from behind the two of you. "So... everything okay now?"

John B, Pope, and Kiara are all standing there. The sun is rising, casting golden rays on everyone.

"Yeah, everything's okay." JJ says confidently, his hand squeezing yours.

"Anyone up for a sunrise boat ride?"

++

a/n: honestly my computer glitched while I was editing and I couldn’t tell where I was typing at so there might be some random letters somewhere in there. I looked but I couldn’t find it lol 

Thanks for reading! Don’t forget to reblog or send me feedback :)

[rosemarie--h]

( zoey deutch. 25. she/her. ) i think i just saw ROSEMARIE  JANE HARMON ride by on a golf cart . at least i think it was them . after all , I MISS THE MISERY BY HALESTORM was blasting on the transistor radio . maybe they were on their way to work , i hear they’re a BARTENDER AT THE WATERING HOLE . but they totally could have been on their way to PLAY PRANKS ON THE MEMBERS. guess we’ll never know . you’ll definitely know its them when you see RIPPED BLACK JEANS, SOUND OF 90'S ROCK AND DILATED PUPILS around the country club . let’s just hope they stay off the green after hours or else the sprinklers will get them ! ( marie. 26. est. she/her. none. ) 

tw: child neglect, tw: drugs, tw: suicide

I couldn’t help myself and brought my old rebel  child back. I just love my messy and broken girl.!

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 Matthew and Stacey Harmon where the epitome of what success should look like. They were a young couple who had come from nothing and mounted to be the most sought-after criminal defense lawyers in the United States. They were known for their poise and ability to handle high profile cases with dignity and discretion. Their clients ranged from high-grossing actors and celebrities to politicians and other government officials. And in the years since their jump into high profile, they had built up an image that both always strived to be. They had to be picture perfect. Perfectly put together. Fit the part of success. So naturally, when they became pregnant, it wasn’t something they had planned or particularly wanted. They tried to keep the pregnancy as quiet as possible, and while they had always had the option of abortion or adoption, for some reason the Harmons had allowed the pregnancy to go full term.

Rosemarie Jane Harmon was born on August 5th, 1992 and unlike most babies, Rose was not held by her mother immediately after birth. In fact, she had been refused and sent immediately to the hospital nursery. The rest of her life followed in similar fashion. Rose had come into her parents’ life as unwanted and unloved. A child ruined the image the stoic lawyers had tried to build for themselves and their practice, especially as child as lively and rambunctious as Rose had been from the start. Rose had probably been embraced by her parents only a handful of times, most of the love she received growing up coming from the Nanny – Elizabeth Green – that had been hired to raise her. But even Elizabeth – the only mother figure she had truly grown to know – was taken from her once Stacy deemed Rose old enough to take care of herself.

Growing up without any love or affection had Rose searching for it in all the wrong places from a very young age. It started off innocently enough – mostly confined to causing trouble at home, just so she could get a flicker of attention from her father or mother but that stopped working, her cries become louder. Living in Atlanta, it wasn’t hard to find trouble. In school, Rose started to hang out with the wrong crowd. Though, the more trouble she found, the less it seemed her parents cared, almost slowly fazing her out of their image.

She was 17 when she first fell from grace. At a rave, Rose stuck her tongue out, letting a tablet be pressed to her tongue for the first time. She’s been after that high ever since. It was the closest thing that she could imagine love felt like. It took her away from the feeling of worthlessness that plagued her because of her parents’ incapability of loving her as parents should love their children. It took her away from the pain of missing her only mother figure who never tried to reach out to her despite promising a young rose she would on the day she was let go. It took her away from the depression that ran through her body despite her refusal to acknowledge it.

From that moment on, Rose lived searching for the occasional high to get her feeling alive again but for the most part, she had it under control, still having a firm grip on reality. But everything began to take a different path when she met Andrew. He was older than her, a good five years. But despite their age difference, they had immediately hit things off and it wasn’t long before Rose had fallen completely head over heels for him. He was the first person she opened up to him about her home life and when Andrew heard of her misery, he had given her the option to follow him to his next destination.

With no family or real friends to hold her back, Rose didn’t hesitate to pack what she could when her boyfriend at the time asked her to run away with him. They hit the road then and Rose hasn’t been back to Atlanta since. When her and Andrew landed in Chicago, Rose’s eyes were opened to a new world – mostly for the worse. He introduced her to a world of endless fun and chemically induced euphoria. It was with him that the dependency for drugs began to really grow. It started off her a tablet of molly here or there, like she had been doing in Atlanta, and before she knew it, she was doing a line in the bathroom of a club.

About a year or so after being together, Rose’s world would soon fall apart. One morning, after a typical night of partying, she woke up to find that Andrew was dead. He had overdosed and she’d been too high too notice. By the time she had woken up, it had been too late. So, Rose got up, called the cops and ran before they got there.

Rose’s already fragile heart was shattered at losing the one person that had loved her in this cruel world. The one person she had loved unconditionally. And the grief fueled her addiction even further. 

From that day forward, Rose lived most of her minutes high or searching for the next dose. It didn’t really matter where the high came from, she just craved that feeling of euphoria, of being alive, of numbness. If it came from a tablet of molly, fine. If it was from a shot of heroin, cool. A mixture of opioids, why not? A smoke of meth- what was the harm? But her favorite way to lose herself was from a line of cocaine. Rose began to live a very nomadic life, travelling where she wanted, making connections as she went, crashing on their couches and starting all over again. There were times when she became so drugged, she would party for days, unable to settle down enough to stop and sleep. She got into fights. Spent many days in stupors, a haze. She wouldn’t have a clue of the reality around her.

Rose was twenty, when she OD’d for the first time and was admitted into rehab for her addiction. After a few months of rehab, Rose was released, and she wasted no time in falling back into her vices. She continued to jump from place to place, never staying no longer than a few weeks at a time. In her travels, she had several relapses, a couple of times causing her to be readmitted into rehab. But sadly, her addiction was stronger than her will live.

That was until she met Finely but Finley is someone Rose never talks about.

If Rose lived in shadowed lands, then Finley lived in other darkness. There was fragility around this woman that had drawn Rose to her immediately. Their initial time was spent mostly just hooking up but it was in the quiet moments that Rose fell. Finley was the other half of her, her true and tragic soulmate. Her star crossed lover. 

There was a part of her that always knew Finley wouldn’t exist on this Earth forever. There was a sadness and exhaustion that clung so tightly to her love and even when there seemed to be a little light that shined through, it wasn’t enough. 

The day Rose walked into their apartment and found that Finley had taken her life, was as expected as it was a shock. She still doesn’t know how long she clung to Fin’s body, sobbing for her to come back before she finally called for help.

Rose has never been the same. 

The loss completely eviscerated her. There was a gaping hole left in her chest and Rose went down a spiral to rock bottom, trying to fill or numb that hole. 

Rose has never been truly sober since that day 2 years ago and while she has gotten her vices under somewhat of control, she still very much relies on them on a day to day basis. Just enough to numb the hurt that never seems to go away. 

When she arrived in Highland at 1 year ago, Rose was probably at the lowest she had ever been. But trying to keep her promise to Finley, Rose has tried to make the best of things. She landed a job at the Watering Hole and has found a apartment to live in with a roommate.

And though every day is a struggle for her, Rose feels that she’s on the right track to turn her life around. Or at least, pretend to.

Important Facts: - Rose has a lot of emotional and mental issues due to her past. Mostly, she has this abandonment complex and she struggles every day with a heavy sense of worthless. - Has been clean for two and a half years. - She still clings to the party scene, though she now stays away from illicit substances, she has no issue with throwing back a few shots. - Rose hasn’t been in a relationship with anyone in about 2 years and is very happy that way. She doesn’t want to get hurt again. And she isn’t sure she can love again. - Loves animals and often volunteers at the shelter - LOVES cats and wants one but considers herself too unstable to own a pet. - Hasn’t spoken to her parents since she left Atlanta and pretends it doesn’t bother her, but it does. - On her left side, Rose has a tattoo. It’s the quote “without struggle, there is no progress” in cursive writing. - Has lived in Atlanta, Chicago, Nashville, New Orleans, a few other places until she came back to Georgia and settled in Peaches Hollow.

Personality - Rose lives impulsively, acting first and thinking later. - She doesn’t hold back and certainly doesn’t censor herself. Rose is the most straightforward person around and she will tell you how it is, whether it hurts your feelings or not. - Fun is priority in her life. Having grown up so unloved and hidden away in her youth, she is desperately trying to fill that gap in her life. She will jump from club to club, party to party, a shot of tequila in her hands always. Mostly, she is afraid that if she stops, allows herself to feel, every heartache she has ever felt will coming rushing at her. - Attachments are a no go for her, especially romantic ones. She’s fine with hook-ups, in fact she rather enjoys them, but once she or her partner start to develop feelings, she flees. If you don’t let anyone close, you can never be hurt. - Losing Finley broke something inside of Rose and she’s very keen on not giving that part of herself way. She doesn’t know if she can love again or if she has any to give. Most of the time, however, Rose tends to develop friendships with her partners. She’s pretty laid back and goes with the flow which makes everything easier. - Rose is super protective of those she considers close to her and will do almost anything for them. - Once you get past her wit and sass, Rose is the sweetest person you would ever meet, even if she’s rough around the edges. But good luck getting her to open emotionally.