#he probably talked about death - been too many years since i read it - i don't remember - probs death and suicide

[1toreyouapart]

What It Cost

****THIS IS A FICTIONAL STORY BASED ON REAL PEOPLE. 18+ ONLY. I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO THE PEOPLE OR MUSIC MENTIONED IN THIS STORY OUTSIDE OF LILITH AND SADIE AND MAYBE A COUPLE OTHERS. DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE NOT UP FOR FANFIC INVOLVING REAL PEOPLE***

Terrible summary: Five years since she last spoke to him. Since she last saw him. Now his face and his voice is everywhere. She can't escape him.

Five years ago Noah destroyed her and the life they had built. Now he’s back and seeking to make amends. As much as she wants to say that it's too little too late, is it?

CW/TW: Angst, mention of addiction, cheating. Mention of character death. Language. Smut (later on). PinV, unprotected PinV (wrap it before you tap it, friends), oral (f&m receiving). All smutty warnings happen later on, so I’ll update TW/CW warning labels as those parts are written and posted. If I forget anything, please let me know so I can fix it! Thank you!

Masterlist

Part 10 - Lilith

Fingertips lightly trailed across her face. Over her eyebrow, down the side, across her jaw. Light as a feather they traced the bridge of her nose and she sighed. He used to wake her up just like this when they first got together. Featherlight touches across her skin. With a sigh she cracked one eye open, peering up at him.

"What are you doing?" she grumbled, voice still thick with sleep.

"Just looking at you." His voice was soft, mesmerized.

"Why? Weirdo."

With a sleepy sigh she reached her arms above her head, stretching. The two of them had spent hours talking, completely wrapped up in each other, before she finally passed out. They had talked about everything. From what had gone wrong and their own parts in it, to everything that had been right and what they'd done and accomplished in the last five years. That last part she had done most of the talking, with Noah just lying there, listening, asking the occasional question. She had tried to turn the conversation to him and he just kept circling it back around to her.

"Have you seen yourself? You're fucking perfect."

Lilith quickly pulled the blanket up over her head, hiding herself from his view as the blush erupted on her cheeks. There was no slow build up to it. Never had been for her. And she absolutely loathed it and how easily he could still make her blush.

"You're so stupid," she laughed. "I'm a mess!"

The blanket was flung off of her and his body covered hers instead, his head resting on her chest. His long arms wrapped around her, squeezing tightly. Should she still be here with him? Probably not. There was still a lot to figure out. But she would be lying if she said she hadn't missed this. Being woken up just like this most mornings.

"I don't know how to fix what I did." His voice was quiet, muffled against her chest.

"Maybe you can't." She ran her fingers through his hair, lightly scratching his scalp.

Maybe there was no fixing anything. Honestly, she wasn't even sure she wanted anything fixed right now. Or ever. Mended, sure. But fixed? What would that even take?

"Tell me what to do."

"I can't, Noah."

Lilith sighed, shifting a leg to wrap loosely around him. How many times had they laid exactly like this, just existing together? The exact position they found themselves in every time he had come back from tour. After every argument. Every minor disagreement. They would lay together just like this and shut out the entire world. Her heart aches at the memories, breath hitching.

"Do you work today?" He shifted, pressing his lips to the valley between her breasts. Soft and innocent.

"No."

"Stay here with me today? We can watch whatever you want. Order delivery." His soft, pleading voice nearly broke her heart. Something about the way he asked. Like he needed her with him.

She chewed on her bottom lip, mulling it over. What harm could it do to just spend the day with him? He really wasn't asking much. But still, part of her was unsure.

"Please? Can we just pretend? Just for today?"

His voice cracked, and any resolve she'd had before vanished. The Noah she now knew was different than the one she had known before. Vulnerable. Didn't hide what he was feeling. It was a bit of a shock, but also kind of refreshing. She couldn't count all the times he had hidden himself away from her rather than just letting her in.

"Yeah. We can do that."

Noah gripped her tighter, kissing that spot just between her breasts again before settling. That had always been his favorite place on her. Right there on her chest. Without fail his head always found its way to rest right there. She couldn't help but laugh at the memory of the first time he had done that. The way he had snuggled right in, kissing all over her chest.

"What's so funny?" He grumbled at her.

"You've changed but not that much. Always gotta have your head on tits."

"Come on! They're boobs! And they're great ones!" He laughed, tipping his head up to look at her. "But here," he moved one hand, placing it over her heart. "Right here I can hear your heart beating and that's far more comforting than you think."

Tags: @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard @alwaysfightforwhoyouare

[highwaydiamonds]

As someone who hates the sisyphean task of cleaning, how dare my mental health prefer a clean room.

[evilminji]

Okay, as I have mentioned, I'm Ace AF. And you know that plot line in kids cartoons where the alien or foreign Warrior Royalty just sort of *violently kicks down door in full armor* "We Will Marry."? I?? Always said:

"Sure!" (#OhThankFUCK!)

Like what do you mean "No"? The powerful, attractive, monarch that is very into you has travel a great distance JUST to marry you! Now you don't have to date! They seem nice! You can skip the whole "trying to find a life partner" awkwardness.

So, Sudden New Fiancee(tm) how we doing this? Blended customs? Two weddings? One in your peoples traditions, one in mine? Should we invite your family? Tell me more about yourself.

God, this solves just... SO MUCH for me? No having to make small talk. No "do they like me?" Or "am I reading the signs here right?" No failed dates! It's positively ideal! AND they announced why they were qualified, in a VERY impressive show of power and prestige, when they arrived! Good lineage AND accomplished!! Very nice.

Don't get why everyone's so upset.

Sure the "we leave at once" thing that usually follows would have to be discussed, but that's what you DO as spouses. Really guys, it's like you think I'm incapable of common sense here.

And you know who probably agrees with me? Damian Wayne.

Hell is other people, INDEED. You expect him to just... randomly go up to people and try Courting them? What do you MEAN it's "creepy" to compile portfolios on eligible individuals of worthy bloodlines? How ELSE is he supposed to know if they are worth attempting to talk too?!

There are BILLIONS of humans on this gods forsaken rock, Richard! Is he supposed to just GUESS? Gamble and hope for LUCK? This is a MARRIAGE not a "best friends club"!

Then? Danny showes up.

Gotham heard her baby talking. Heard her KING being harassed by clearly plotting Observants and power hungry ghosts MANY times his age. Connected some dots. Formed themselves a new OTP.

Danny says "Fuck It". Worst he can say is No. According to Gotham, he is neither Shy not the meek obedient sort. Is in fact, VERY stabby. So if he's not interested he'll no doubt be BRUTALLY clear about that.

So? Danny gets Fright Knight. Go get him a horse. Someone fetch Cujo some armor. He's been told the guy like weapons and animals.

TIME TO BE IMPRESSIVE.

He goes FULL Regalia. Armor of solid night sky. Cape of frost and stardust. Crown like crack in reality itself, through which the cosmos gleam and shift. He gets a horse from the far frozen. They're wooly and carnivorous. Gets THE most impressive sword he can find to wear.

It's gonna be a gift, since he doesn't need it.

He does the whole "rend the skies open" thing. Fan fair and knights. Every title he's ever been given, no matter how embarrassing he find them in reality. And announces his intentions. Declares that ONLY Damian Wayne, aka. Robin, is WORTHY to Marry Him. And (in the traditional Ghost proposal of "either accept or tell me to fuck off" /w violence) Demands Damian accept his offer of Marriage.

Right there.

IN THE WATCHTOWER.

In front of EVERYBODY. And yes, ESPECIALLY the Bats. Who are making glitching, vaguely threatening DEMONIC NOISES. Because? You... you THREATEN the BABY? Death. Ten thousand years DEATH.

People are :O ing and backing away from the visible heatwave of unadulterated FURY being put off by Batman. Danny is nano-second from every bone his ANCESTORS had being reduced to a fine paste.

Then? Damian consider him... considers the sword being thrust in his direction, still held aloft in a steady and armored hand... contemplates those titles for a second...

And goes: "Acceptable. Very well, but I have demands."

N..... Nani the FUCK? Says local Bat-Dad. No??? You are NOT GETTING MARRIED.

Try to stop him. He very obviously IS, according to Damian, the man brought him a kick ass sword and has a giant green dog. Is the king of an ENTIRE REALITY. Yes, he realizes he probably COULD do better... but frankly? This one's cute. But if it upset you so... extended engagement. There. Happy?

NO! Because the JLA Dark are LOSING THEIR SHIT. Damian is still UNDERAGE. We don't even know how OLD this being is! NO MARRIAGE.

Damian is unimpressed. A whole six months? That he's likely already LIVED thanks to various timeloops, temporal shenanigans, and reality warping bits of fuckery? You're reaching.

Just? Marriage Meet Cute.

@hdgnj @ailithnight @the-witchhunter @nerdpoe

[stsgooo]

Haunted.

✩࿐ summary: geto had suffered enough, why should he let you go too?

warning(s): suicidal thoughts/idealizations, death, poor coping mechanisms, gn!reader, depression, isolation, description of violence, angst no comfort, curse!reader, cult leader geto things, character study vibes, not proofread (sorry). wc; 15.7k

pairing(s): geto suguru/reader, geto suguru/gojo satoru/reader (briefly), geto suguru/gojo satoru

a/n: hii, been a while since i’ve written an x reader fic so hope this abides by everyone’s standards :) as i finished this, i realized that this probably should've been multiple parts because of how long it is, but it was too far gone at that point. anyway, i hope you enjoy and if you don't i would rather not hear about it!

available to read on ao3. | divider 1

I. 2005

SUGURU WAS SURE YOU HAD A DEATH WISH.

Out of everyone, it seemed as if you had some crazy switch in you that just flipped during a battle. It was as if you got tunnel vision and your every move was erratic, death the only option. It did not matter to you whether you lived or died. Saving others was your main and only goal. That scared him to death.

You were powerful. Powerful enough where you didn’t need to go all out on every curse that even hinted at having some type of power over you or others. Yet you always found yourself in Shoko’s room, sporting one cut too many, and a bright grin as if you weren’t pushing the limit. You would wave away any and all concern with that smile.

I’m just fine, you would roll your eyes at their worry. Really, you guys, stop fussing so much.

Suguru had argued with you about it before. Both of you had been sent on a mission to some elementary school, few kids had gone missing. You found the curse, and the kids, and a fight ensued. It was nothing crazy. Not until you practically served yourself on a platter for the curse and told Suguru to run away with the kids. Of course, he didn’t leave. What kind of friend would he be if he just let you die? What kind of sorcerer would he be if he just ran away while you were torn limb by limb? He’d be a failure of a sorcerer and a failure of a friend.

It bothered him. It enraged him how easily you threw your life away for others. A hint of danger and you were willing to get yourself killed over it. The complete disregard for your life in the first year that you all knew each other irked his very soul. Your behavior was worrisome. It confused him.

The buildup to his fight with you was a lot to unpack in itself.

The car ride from the hospital the kids were at was silent. Filled with a tension that unsettled his heart and he was sure unsettled your mind. You made no attempt at small talk or passing a good job, it was just silent. He silently thanked you for it. Because he was sure if you spoke then, he would’ve blown up. He would’ve said horrible things. So he silently thanked you for your silence, your silent allowance to let him think. You even fell asleep and Suguru couldn’t help but ask himself how you could sleep so soundly after such a close brush with death.

Three days later, he could tell Satoru and Shoko noticed the tension.

He knew they noticed it the moment you two returned. Your clothes soiled, face covered in mud and blood, hands all too shaky. Maybe it was the way you walked away from his side to great them. Or it was probably the way he glared at the wavering smile on your lips as you told them everything went fine. It was most definitely that.

Shoko was weary of it. At lunch, she’d sit between him and you. Her words were light as she teased and prodded, but never dared to ask the serious questions. She kept the air free of the awkwardness or the anger brewing. Shoko was kind like that. She was optimistic.

Satoru, however, wasn’t.

Although he seemed to abide by the silent rule not to ask you questions, he was practically grilling Suguru any given moment. He asked what happened. Why was Suguru so angry? Why were you acting so standoff-ish? Had something finally happened between you? Did Suguru get rejected and was he throwing himself a pity party? There were so many things that he threw out into the open like it was silly. As if Satoru derived some entertainment from the tension.

Do you ever notice they’re ready to get themselves killed for others? Suguru had thrown out to Satoru a week after the mission.

Satoru’s eyes lost the amusement and his smile dimmed. He pushed his glasses further up his nose. Of course I have. His voice was ridiculously serious and slow, extremely distant. As if recalling something he pushed to the back of his mind often. His attention had cut back to Suguru and shook his head. Man, it’s best to leave this alone. Trust me. Sensei will say something soon enough.

Suguru couldn’t help but worry that their first year teacher’s talk wouldn’t come soon enough.

Things just didn’t make sense to him. He just didn’t understand why you would be so willing to throw yourself into death like it was a blanket on a cold night. Sure, they’re meant to save people, but it didn’t mean death. Not everything had to be final. He feared that you just didn’t know it.

All of it came to a head when all four of you were placed on a mission three weeks after.

At this point, it was apparent that you both were avoiding each other. Different topics that neither of you wanted to address made headway into your dynamic. Distanced you both from one another like it was a bubble. A shield protecting you both from uncomfortable and frankly angry conversations.

But you did it again.

Sure, this time the curse was too much. Things weren’t looking too great for them. But the moment Suguru noticed you were missing from his and Satoru’s side, he felt panicked. He knew what was coming and knew what you’d say.

You caught the curse off guard as you jumped from the top banister, your large hammer at the ready. You shouted something along the lines that they should get out of there. But Suguru nor Satoru dared to run away. He watched, in horror, as you vanished into the curse’s mouth. As he was ready to summon his small arsenal of cursed spirits, the thing was cut from the stomach. Then you got its head.

There was silence as you stood amongst the carnage. Covered in the things purple goopy blood. Then you turned to them with that smile and Suguru lost it.

“What’s wrong with you?” He yelled, his voice echoing off the walls and converging on you. You looked shocked, eyebrows raised and faltering away from the pride to the confusion. He took in a shaky breath as he felt the built up anger from the past three weeks finally come up. “Do you have to throw yourself into danger like that?”

You frowned at him, then pathetically gestured at the curse. “It’s dead, isn’t it?”

Suguru pressed his hands against his face, letting out a deeply annoyed groan. “That’s not the point! The point is you threw yourself into its mouth! Like it was nothing!” He pushed himself forward to at least close the distance a little. Despite hearing Satoru’s soft protest, he needed to look you in the eye.

Your irritation was apparent as you furrowed your brow. “It doesn’t matter! Seriously, what’s your issue lately? You’ve been a complete asshole since that mission we went on. I thought you were just feeling bad for those kids, but you’ve acted completely different towards me!” Suguru could only clench his jaw at your obliviousness. There’s no way, right? There was absolutely no way you didn’t see what you were doing to them. To him. But when you said your next words, that thought was out the window. “Okay, so I threw myself into the middle of things, but so what?”

So what? So what. So fucking what?

Suguru felt something deep within him snap. As if there was a car underwater and the glass that was keeping the passengers safe suddenly cracked. His emotions, his clear mind, were the victims of the drowning. Buried deep under your ignorance.

“So what?” He snapped, his hands clenched into tight fists at his sides as he regarded you with unsettled rage. “So what? Are you serious? Like, are you dumb or are you just playing with me because I seriously can’t tell right now!”

You flinched at his tone and he could hear the shift of rubble behind him. “Suguru, hey—“ Satoru tried to de-escalate the situation but he was ignored.

“Excuse me?” You uttered, glaring up at him.

“Whenever we go on missions, you’re the first one throwing yourself at the thing like it isn’t serious. As if there’s not a high possibility that you’ll die! Every single time.” Suguru had a finger against your chest now. He wasn’t even sure when he had reached out, but he could feel the curse’s blood on his fingertip. It was cold and thick. Uncomfortable. But you were covered in it like it was nothing. Everything was nothing to you. “So, I’m asking you: are you dumb or just acting like you are?”

Your eyes were narrowed as you regarded him. “I know it’s dangerous, but sometimes that’s the only option.” Was all you had to say in response.

“You shouldn’t be the first one to die every time!” Suguru was desperate for his point to get across. For you to understand that it wasn’t the matter that it was dangerous— it was the fact that you were so willing and ready to have everyone live without you.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” You frowned.

Just understand I care. That if you were to die right in front of my eyes, I’d lose it. I’ve only known you for ten months, but I can’t imagine a world where you’re dead. You’re one of my best friends— the first friend I ever made, please don’t make me live longer than you. Were all the selfish things that Suguru wanted to say. That he should’ve said.

Instead, he asked, “Do you just want to die?”

There was a very long silence that kept them all from moving.

The question was posed and he could see it in your eyes. Could hear it in the words you didn’t speak. You looked away from him, shame settled on your face. Suddenly, you looked small compared to your usual large and boisterous self. Have you always been this small? Or was this something he was just realizing now?

It settled in his mind, suddenly, that he was right. His assumptions, rash and brazen, were right.

It made him queasy, lightheaded, as he stared at you.

“Y/N…” He uttered with a pale face. He desperately wanted to reach out, to grasp your shoulder— make some type of contact. But his limbs wouldn’t move. He wasn’t even sure if he was breathing or blinking. His mind just repeated the one fact he knew over and over.

You wanted to die. You didn’t care if you died out there, alone, because it was all the same to you. You were waiting for death as it was waiting for you. Like an old friend. You wanted to die.

Suguru felt the overwhelming urge to cry as it all settled. “You want to die?” He couldn’t help the whisper as he stared at you in horror.

Your cheeks were a deep crimson red, tears pooling in your eyes as you took a step back from him. “It-It’s not like that.”

Suguru slowly shook his head. “Y-Yo—“ You shouldn’t feel like that. Is what he wanted to say. But what good would that do? You knew that. You probably prayed you didn’t every day.

“I just— you guys are so important to the school and-and to me! If you guys died, they’d be scrambling and a lot of people would probably suffer. But if I died, then who would even care—?”

“I would!” Suguru couldn’t help the tears that collected in his eyes. Here he was, almost 16, crying in front of you. But he needed you to know he cared. That life wouldn’t be the same without you gracing it. He reached forward, grabbing your hands in a vice like grip. “I would care! If you died I would be miserable and I would miss you like crazy. Don’t say no one would care because, if it doesn’t matter that I care, then everyone would. You’re important to everyone. You matter.”

Your eyes were on him now, wide and unsteady as you regarded him with confusion and disbelief. “Suguru—“

“We would all care. Satoru would be so annoying without your stupid quips. Shoko would be miserable if there wasn’t anyone to get her cigarettes when she forgets. And I…I would lose it if you were dead. I would. I would lose my mind, I’d do something crazy like… like leave everything behind.” It felt wrong to say. To put such weight on you, but he needed to know the role you played. How important you are. He clenched his jaw in determination, eye contact unwavering as he squeezed your hands. “I’ll prove it to you. I swear on it. I’ll spend the rest of our lives proving it to you.”

“Better than anything I could say.” He heard Satoru utter behind them, then the tell tale yelp that came after Shoko slapped him upside the head.

You didn’t let that distract you as you fell forward into his arms. Clutching at his uniform as you let out a small cry. He held you up and listened as you dumped years worth of pain into his chest. Suguru couldn’t ever recall seeing you like this before. He never really wanted to see it again. You didn’t say anything in response to his rather embarrassing ramble to you. No, not to that.

Instead, all you said in return was, “thank you.”

II. 2006

Suguru was in love with you and Satoru.

He realized it the afternoon in Okinawa, all of you walking through the aquarium as Riko pointed out various fish that she knew too much information about. Of course, he wasn’t listening. He was much too focused on you and Satoru. The both of you had snuck away to a gift shop— proclaiming that you needed mementoes and souvenirs for your friends back home. You adorned an octopus hat while Satoru had various fish stickers pressed to his cheeks. You both more resembled children on a field trip than highly esteemed sorcerers.

Suguru loved it. He loved you both.

It was a sudden and rather scary realization.

It came over him as you placed another sticker on Satoru's face. The both of you releasing absurd laughs that had no business sounding so lovely. He could feel the small smile blossom on his own lips as Satoru argued that he'd have the "gooey stuff" all of his face later, which made you promise to help him clean it off with a rag. Then you placed a delicate kiss against his cheek. It was so nonchalant, something they should all be used to, but it was always so jarring. Satoru stared at you with wide eyes behind his glasses, then he grinned. Wide and devious.

Suguru's heart soared.

He wanted nothing more than to reach out, to grab both of you and kiss you like there was no tomorrow. To promise his heart and his life to you both. It would be easy. It would be mere second nature to him. Suguru may just be realizing how deeply he loved you and Satoru, but he was almost sure that he'd felt this way since month five of your first year.

Surely, it shouldn't be a surprise. You three had been getting bold lately. Shoko was even commenting on it. The late nights in your room, the both of them curled up at your side. The domesticity of one of you returning to your dorm and being greeted by the other two. You all had a routine. A promise to come back through the door and have another fight of arguing over what's for dinner. Or something obscure that he wouldn't put up with with anyone else.

He just wanted to tell you and Satoru that he finally feels normal in the world. With you both by his side. That when he has your skin pressed against his, he feels like he could take on the world. That Satoru makes him feel childish and free like he couldn't be when he was a kid. That his kisses were sweet and soft. He just wanted to tell you that he loved you.

But Suguru saw your eyes stray away from Satoru's and the smile faded away. "We have to give her a choice." You said suddenly.

Both Satoru and Suguru moved their attention to Riko. The girl was standing in front of a expansive tank, watching in amazement as the fish zoomed by. The girl unaware of their watchful eyes as she turned to Kuroi and asked her to enjoy the fish too.

Suguru and Satoru had acknowledged that you were probably the last person who should be on this mission almost immediately. It wasn't that you weren't well fit for it, or that you would be too detached, or not want to get involved— it was that you had warmed up to Riko immediately. The girl had become your shadow. She asked about your technique and how "two idiots" like them were able to be in your presence. She amused you and you amused her. Then she asked you what you thought about her merger and you told her you thought it was something you shouldn't get involved in.

But Suguru and Satoru saw it in your eyes. They knew what you thought the moment Yaga had said the word "erase".

You wanted to save her.

"I knew you'd say that." Satoru snorted, leaning back against the tank they stood before. His eyes rolled upwards to look at the dolphin swim pass across from them. "You're always meddling."

You glared at him. "I don't meddle!"

"You do." Satoru said fondly. "What did I say, Suguru? They'd meet the girl and meddle, right?"

You snapped your eyes to Suguru who shyly stuck his hands in his pockets, shrugging. "You did say that." I did not. Suguru used kinder words— like you cared about Riko and you'd probably not want to see her throw away her barely lived life for Tengen-sama.

You pouted, picking at the railing next to Satoru. "Am I that predictable?"

"Only because we know you so well." Satoru teased with a small smile. Then his eyes cut back to Riko who was gradually making her way further down the area. As much as Satoru would deny it, Suguru could tell that he'd come to grow fond of the girl as well. "What do you propose we do, exactly?"

Now Suguru was looking back to you. He could see the shock in your eyes as they snapped up to Satoru— as if you couldn't believe he was playing into whatever ideas you were tossing around. There was a spark of hope in your eyes and Suguru had to look away to prevent the smile that wanted to spread across his face. Instead, he'd let his heart do that weird skip it usually did whenever you and Satoru were particularly adorable.

"All I want is for her to have a choice," Your voice was compassionate as you started. The look in your eyes distant as you turned your attention towards the small tank in front of you three. The portioned tank that had different beta fishes separated. Together they're deadly. Apart, they find peace. Riko had explained. "The way she's talked about everything... the merger with Tengen-sama— that's what she was born for. She's proud of it. But given the choice, she wanted to spend her last day with her friends. She wanted to go to school and hang out with them because she knew she'd never see them again. Instead of really wanting to do this, she's just doing it because she feels like she has to. Where's the freedom in that?"

Suguru smiled softly at you. "So we give her a choice." He agreed with a small nod, finding satisfaction with the brightness in your eyes.

"We'll have to fight Tengen, you know that?" Satoru kept his eyes steady on Riko as he questioned the two of you. Both of you blink, obviously not having considered that detail. "They'll put up a fight— probably other sorcerers too. Freeing Riko might mean we leave Jujutsu High."

Suguru let his mind wander. Would he really mind if the three of you left? Not really. If the three of you have to fight Tengen-sama, then he'd gladly fight them by your side. If you both wanted, he'd destroy the world. Then gladly live his final moments with you both at his side. That was a fact that he knew to be true in his soul.

"I'll gladly do so." You answered without hesitation. Of course you would, you self sacrificial fool. A bitter part of Suguru said. There was no question that you'd put your life on the line for Riko. "If her choice is to live life, then I'll fight Tengen."

"And you'll win?" Satoru asked.

You raised an eyebrow. "We're the strongest, aren't we? Us three?"

Something about your words made Suguru 100% sure that he wouldn't allow you both to walk alone in the world. Together, there wasn't anything you three couldn't take on.

Satoru finally turned from Riko to stare at you with a self assured smirk.

Oh, Suguru thought with a stutter in his heart. He'd already made up his mind before you did.

"Well, well! I thought you were above all that we're the strongest crap!" Satoru teased, throwing his arm around your shoulders as you rolled your eyes. "Don't be so entitled, Satoru. You're making Haibara and Nanami feel less than, Satoru. You sound ignorant, Satoru. Look who's high and mighty now!"

"Oh, stop!" You pushed his arm away, but your smile was fond. You turned back to the beta fish. "Sure, it's a little entitled, but right now, I'm being nice."

"Thank you, thank you, my beloved royalty." Satoru dramatically bowed before you. You uttered something about him being dramatic, which went ignored. The white haired sorcerer reached over and slapped Suguru's arm, peeking at him fondly from behind his glasses. "Suguru, bow for your deity!"

Suguru was about to decline, until you spoke up. "You're ridiculous, you know that? Don't do that." Suddenly, he felt inclined to follow suit.

Both of them were now bowed behind you, uttering their dramatic praises as you blushed, attempting to ignore them as people walked pass and stared. Suguru peeked up at you as you watched the beta fish swim around. In that moment, he prayed that nothing changed.

Things weren't right.

Things weren't right but you were so calm.

Silently, Suguru could only shoot a thankful glance in your direction as the elevator creaked under the strain of four people. He could tell you were worried but your expression was determined to stay pieced together. Satoru was above ground, fighting against that man— Suguru couldn't think about it. It was too much in the mess of things.

The elevator came to a screeching halt and there was no hesitation on your part to push the doors open. You seemed quicker, your movements a little stilted as you exited the elevator and, instead of looking at the three behind you, you kept your gaze on the various entrances. He could tell you were irritated. He could tell you were worried. Or nervous.

No, you were scared.

His attention turned towards Riko and Kuroi who were exchanging a heartfelt, tearful goodbye. They clutched onto each other— Kuroi told her to be brave and Riko promised she would. Then they separated and Suguru promised that he'd come back once everything was done to escort Kuroi to safety.

The trek to the Star Corridor was long and quite.

There wasn't much Suguru could say to comfort you because there wasn't much he could reassure himself with. His worries for Satoru were overbearing in his mind and he couldn't try and fool himself into trying to bear the weight of your anxiety as well. Both of you knew this, so you didn't dare try to comfort one another.

There's nothing wrong. Everything's going to be okay. We're the strongest. Satoru will join us once this is over. Were the things Suguru soothed himself with.

"Is this...?" Riko uttered as they finally broke through to the outskirts of where Tengen homes themself.

"Yes," Suguru confirmed as he came to a stop beside the younger girl. "We're just outside of where Master Tengen resides. This is the country's base for primary barriers. The main hall of the tombs of the Star Corridor."

"Basically, it's their home." You said flatly, coming to Riko's other side, your eyes moving over the vast area. It was quiet, dark, and looked isolated. Nothing that brought any welcomeness for the eternity to come.

Suguru tried not to let his gaze linger on the woeful look painting your face now. He cleared his throat and pointed. "Go down the stairs and pass the gate. Then head toward the base of that huge tree. It's protected by a different barrier than the one around Jujutsu High. Only those invited may enter. You'll be protected by Master Tengen until the merger."

Riko's expression turned sorrowful as she followed the path Suguru paved with her eyes. This was the end. Her fun and the little life she lived was at its finish. She clenched her hands at her sides and made a move to continue forward, without them.

"Or we can turn back and go home to Kuroi."

Riko's eyes snapped to you. Your eyes were compassionate and a small smile graced your features that was more reassuring than any words that could be spoken. She looked a little pale, but the glow of hope suddenly appeared.

"What?" The girl uttered.

You turned to her fully, keep your expression soft. "When our taecher assigned us this mission, he used the word 'erase'. It's like, deep down, he knew something was wrong with this and, for a muscle guy, he doesn't usually beat around the bush." You looked like you wanted to chuckle at your own jab at Yaga, but didn't have the energy. Instead, you sighed. "I talked to Suguru and Satoru and we all came to the decision that if the kid who is the Star Plasma Vessel should refuse the merger then we call it off."

Riko's eyes widened even further and tears were on the cusp of falling as she stared at the both of you.

"We're the strongest," Suguru offered gently, offering a closed eyed smile to the girl. "No matter what you choose, we promise to protect your future."

Riko's lips quivered as her eyes bounced between you two and the vast nothingness of Tengen's home. She took in a shaky breath. "Ever since I was born, I've been told I'm special and different. Being special was normal for me. I've survived till now by staying away from danger... My parents died in a car crash. I don't remember it. I'm not say or lonely anymore." She started to fiddle with her hands as her words grew more unsteady. You moved to press against her side, hands rested against her shoulders. "That's why... with the merger, I thought I'd be okay... leaving everyone. No matter how painful it became, I believed that, some day, the sadness and loneliness would disappear."

"You just need the right person." You uttered to her, her eyes snapping up at you as tears silently streamed down her face. "You need that one person to prove that there's beautiful things out there— that there's kindness and love. I know. I understand, Riko."

The girl bursts into tears, a trail of snot ran from her nose as she shook with her cries. "I want to stay with everyone a bit longer!" Her voice seemed to echo around the two of you. "I want to go to more places and see more things with everyone! More!"

Both you and Suguru smiled softly. His hand reached out while you squeezed her shoulders. "Riko, let's go home." He beckoned her forward.

"Yeah!"

Suguru registered the shot last second, but it was too late for him to truly do anything.

He's never quite seen anything like it.

You were smiling, you looked free from your worries for one second.

Then you were falling. Your face slack and eyes blank. You fell against the ground with a deafening thud. Blood pooled around your head, chunks of your brain scattered across the ground. Your eyes.

They're so blank.

Suguru barely registered Riko's scream. His eyes couldn't leave you even as the girl screamed and screamed, hands clutching at her head as she stared at your body beside her.

You were just speaking a moment ago. You were smiling. How could this happen?

Your eyes are so blank.

"Y-Y/N...." Suguru uttered, eyes wide and face pale.

He felt sick. He didn't feel right. This wasn't right. Why were you on the ground? Why were you bleeding? Why can't he move? Why can't he breathe? Are you going to get up? Please get up.

Riko continued to scream. She just wouldn't stop. Her once hopeful eyes were now reduced to horror and terror as she smeared the blood covering the side of her face. None of it hers.

It's yours.

Your eyes are blank.

What are you doing? Get up. Get up. Smile. Just breathe. Get up. Please, I'll do anything. I'll listen to you ramble about those books you love so much. I'll buy you those disgusting snacks you crave. I'll do anything for you.

Please don't die.

Your eyes are blank.

"Oh," groaned a voice that rattled Suguru's soul. "I missed."

Suguru slowly turned his head to stare at the man. The one that had stabbed Satoru through the chest and had talked to him like an old friend. The one that was now standing, clutching a gun in his hand, pouting as if he was amused by his miscalculation.

As if your death was something he hadn't accounted for.

"How..." Suguru's voice doesn't feel like his own. It feels like he's out of body. As if something else is controlling him. He felt something warm on his cheek, but he couldn't reach for it. His limbs felt heavy, his hands cold. What was happening? Why did everything feel so muddled? "How'd you get here?"

Still, Riko screamed.

Still, your eyes were blank.

The man frowned. "How...?" Suddenly, he chuckled and pressed the side of the gun to his temple. "I see. I killed Gojo Satoru."

Suguru was swarmed with an unfamiliar feeling of rage. You and Satoru had once praised him for his ability to remain calm and level headed when things seemed to crumbled around all of you. He was the voice of reason— your moral compass. The map that lightened your way.

Suddenly, he felt like he was reduced to nothing but rage and this empty feeling in his chest.

Your eyes are blank.

Gojo Satoru is dead.

"I see..." Suguru growled, his eyes unmoved from the man across from him. "Then die!"

III. 2007

Suguru didn't feel right.

Although, he hadn't felt right for 11 months. 47 weeks, and five days. 8,016 hours. 480,960 minutes. 28,857,600 seconds.

He hadn't been right since the moment you dropped dead.

Your eyes were blank.

He wasn't enough to fight against Fushiguro Toji. The man had ruthlessly downed him then killed Riko. It was like it was nothing. He came, he killed, then he left.

Suguru had laid amongst the rubble of Toji's doing and stared into your blank eyes. He still wasn't sure how long it was. He couldn't move and he could barely breathe as the blood from his chest trickled to the stone and concrete under him. Your eyes stared lifelessly into his own. Endlessly. A never-ending staring contest that he pleaded to end.

The entire time he laid on the floor of Tengen's barrier. His mind only repeated one thing.

Please get up. Please be alive. Please get up. Please get up.

Your brains had scattered across the floor and your eyes were unmoving but he spent so much time just pleading with you to snap out of it. He thought he was enough. He apologized for not being enough.

Please get up. I promised to prove it to you.

There was a point he passed out. He could remember thinking, thankfully, that he was going to die. And he swore he heard your gurgled call for him.

Then, he woke up.

Shoko had looked distraught. He could still remember the way she eyed him wearily through red rimmed eyes. Cautious as she told him that you were dead. As she told him Satoru was gone.

Gone. But not dead.

Suguru had, very briefly, rejoiced in Satoru's survival.

Shoko said she cleaned your blood off his cheek.

Suguru hated her for a while after that.

He didn't stay at the infirmary for long. Despite Shoko telling him that Yaga wanted to see him and that he shouldn't move around yet, he dragged himself away. He dragged himself to the cult. He dragged himself along the side walk with his mind flashing with images of your blank eyes.

Was that all death was? Nothingness? Did it comfort you? Did it welcome you? Was it everything you imagined?

His mind wouldn't rest.

He could remember as he entered the building. As he heard the resounding and endless applause. He mindlessly entered and was meant with a never-ending crowd, parting as they just clapped, and clapped, and clapped. It rumbled through his ears, bouncing around his brain.

Your eyes were blank.

When the crowd parted, he remembered the clench of his heart as Satoru, bloodied and blank, appeared. He carried Riko's body in his arms. Lifelessly moving forward. His eyes stared right through Suguru.

"You're late," Satoru had teased blankly. His voice distant and flat. It missed its usual punch. "No.... I guess your're early."

Suguru remembered the confusion that washed over him as he stared at the one he loved. "Satoru... is that you...?"

What happened to you?

"It looks like you saw Shoko." Satoru had sounded like he wasn't entirely aware of his surroundings. Or he didn't care. "Is Y/N there right now?"

Suguru didn't have the heart then. He could remember silently apologizing to you, but he hadn't thought Satoru could handle the news of your death amongst this room.

"Shoko fixed me up fine." His eyes had moved to Riko's limp hand and he felt sick. Her screams were still in his mind. He almost threw up. "I'm sorry."

"I'm the one who messed up. Don't worry about it." Satoru had easily deflected.

Suguru couldn't handle the clapping. They just didn't stop. They clapped, and clapped, and clapped.

Your eyes were blank.

"Suguru," Satoru's voice had stopped him in his tracks. His voice was so detached and so odd. Suguru couldn't handle much change then. He couldn't handle hearing Satoru so different. Not then. "Do you want to kill them all?"

Suguru could remember the shock that shook his body. Could remember the bitterness that immediately followed. The realization that he would love nothing more than to unleash the worst on these people and sum their deaths up as their lives— useless.

"Suguru," He had sworn he heard your voice, distorted and all too sweet. His back stiffened and his eyes widened. "Do you hate them, Suguru?"

He did. He hated them. He wanted them all to burn. He wanted them to suffer. Suguru would've loved nothing more than to have heard all of them plead for their lives. To have the same terror that Riko had when she realized her life was coming to an end. To have that same blank look in their eyes as you had.

Your eyes were blank.

"It's pointless." Suguru had shot down emotionless. He still wasn't sure if he was answering that tiny voice in his head or Satoru, maybe it was both. Who really cared?

"Pointless, huh?" Satoru walked past Suguru and started to make his way outside. "Does there need to be a reason?"

"Of course, it's important." Suguru had easily answered. "Especially as Jujutsu Sorcerers."

11 months. 47 weeks, and five days. 8,016 hours. 480,960 minutes. 28,857,600 seconds later, he believed that was all bullshit.

It surprised him how much and how little could change in a year.

The way everyone seemingly returned to normal and he was left in the past.

Suguru felt like his life was now segregated into two sections: Before the Star Plasma Vessel assignment and after the Star Plasma Vessel assignment. Before and after you.

He realized, quickly and bitterly, that the after you was worse than the before.

Before he knew of your existence, he was happy to be alone. He embraced the fact that kids at school thought him odd, unapproachable. That they would whisper about his habits behind his back. He was happy to know that no one wanted to be around him. It meant they didn't see what he saw. He didn't know anything else.

But the after you was considerably worse.

You had given him that breath of fresh air. That love that he had unknowingly reached out for his entire life. The way you and Satoru had touched him, he didn't even know his heart ached for that type of love. He didn't know he was depraved until you showed him.

He hated it. For a moment, he hated you.

In the first weeks after your death, he felt angry. He was bitter. Even as Satoru rubbed his back in bed. Even as he told Suguru it wasn't his fault. Even as everyone told him that you would hate to see him like that. He felt a hatred. A regret.

For months, he hated you.

He'd ignore topics centered around you. He ignored the day that Shoko and Satoru cleaned out your dorm for a new first year. He was stagnant and blank at the funeral your family held. When everyone walked up to recall memories about you, he didn't. He just listened and he thought that none of them truly captured you. They said you were kind, that you were funny, that you went our of your way to help whoever needed it.

If it was Suguru up there, he would've said you were selfish. That you always put your life on the line when it wasn't needed. That you were arrogant. That you could really make him worry.

But he loved you.

That's what he hated most. Isn't that the worst?

He hated that he loved the way he missed your hugs, your reassurances. He hated that he missed worrying about you. That he wouldn't ever see you again. That he wouldn't join you on a mission and be forced to listen to Yaga or fellow students worry about your sanity. He missed that sometimes you would play into Satoru's words, like saying the three of you were strongest together.

"Hey," Satoru called from across the training yard. Suguru barely looked up. "Have you lost some weight? Are you okay?"

Satoru became "The Strongest". His abilities were starting to blossom and it allowed him to work by himself. The higher-ups sent them alone. And Suguru hadn't felt more confined in his life.

"I'm just a little tired from the summer heat." Suguru easily explained it away, his hands buried deep within his pockets. "It's not a problem."

"Maybe you had too much somen noodles?" Satoru asked, niavely.

"No," Suguru wanted to snap at him. "It's the fact I can't eat without feeling sick. I can't taste anything except the fucking vomit of the curses. I hate it. I hate it. I'm always sick. I'm so hungry. But I can't eat."

Instead, he sighed. "Maybe."

The curse population was springing up like maggots. Everywhere and all consuming. The summer had been busy and Suguru truly was tired. In his heart, he started to blame the mess of last year for the increase of curses. It was easier to blame that than nothing. It was better to put a face to his suffering rather than blame himself.

The repetitiveness of his life was becoming crushing.

An endless cycle of exorcism and consumption.

Exorcise. Consume.

You had once asked him what curses tasted like. Under a beautiful tree and a beautiful night sky. You stared at him from your place on the ground. "Suguru, what does it taste like?"

"It's a taste nobody knows." He had explained. "Like ingesting a rag used to wipe up vomit."

Exorcise. Consume.

"Oh," You had uttered, a heavy frown on your lips as you pondered on it. "I'm sorry."

Exorcise. Consume.

He didn't need your pity then. But it had been nice. It felt nice for someone to pretend they understand the disgust, the bitter tang. He pretended that it helped.

"Thanks."

Then, you asked, "Would it help if you had mints?"

No. "Yes."

That first Christmas you all spent together, you got him mints. And, despite it doing nothing, he still popped one in his mouth every time. False hope that something could push down the disgust he had for his technique, for what he was considered special for. What lengths he went to save people.

For what?

Every since that day, the day you and Riko died, it's been running through Suguru's head. That everything he saw, Toji, your blood, your brains, the never-ending applause of the cult members— it was a hideous evil known to everyone. What he saw wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Still, knowing that, he protects them as a Jujutsu sorcerer.

"We can't lose our way." You had reassured one day when the curse you and him were fighting was particularly ruthless. It had killed so many people that the both of you hadn't been the same for weeks. "Don't lose your way. We just have to follow through with our duty as sorcerers."

The thunderous applause took over that of his heart.

"Monkeys." Suguru uttered in the shower. The first time he whispered it. His eyes unmoving from the wall as the water trickled down, down, and down.

Your eyes were blank.

"Do you hate them, Suguru?"

His hand clenched above him. "Fucking monkeys."

He snapped the water off and robotically dried himself off.

Suguru felt like he was merely living through the motions. That he was being guided other peoples words and the wind itself. He was merely a leaf being blown away. There wasn't anything he could do to stop it. Nothing he could do to ground himself and force himself to take the wheel. To be in control. He could only watch on.

He found himself hunched over on the bench near the vending machines. He barely acknowledged the rain that poured outside. It was one of those days. Those days where the weather matched his mood and made it considerably worse. Maybe he could get away with hiding inside his dorm. Being curled on the bed and not appearing until the rain was well gone— when Satoru couldn't ask him if he's ate.

He closed his eyes in defeat. How could loneliness possibly feel worse now than it did then? He'd been alone for years before. Why was it worse now?

"Hi! Mister Geto!"

Suguru's eyes snapped open and dragged upwards. "Haibara..."

You liked Haibara. You said so on his first day. When he enthusiastically introduced himself to everyone— gave his blood type and his family history. You had laughed for twenty minuets. You said that Haibara was like a breath of fresh air. He had no idea what he was getting into and he was happy. Suguru said you were looking into it too much. You didn't agree. Then you invited both him and Nanami to join you all on a trip to Shinjuku.

You liked Haibara. He was sweet.

You liked Haibara. So did Suguru.

"Hope all is well!" Haibara continued, seemingly ignorant to the war raging on in Suguru's mind.

You liked Haibara. You trained him. He was sweet.

So did Suguru. "What can I get you to drink?" Suguru asked, pulling some change from his pockets.

"I couldn't possibly—" Haibara's eyes glanced at the vending machine then his eyes brightened. "I'll take a coke!"

Suguru couldn't help the little laugh that broke through his lips. Amusement in his eyes for the first time in a while as he gently dropped the change into the junior's cupped palm. Haibara pratically skipped over to the vending machine, dropping the coins in, and retrieved his coke.

Fully expecting him to carry on with a thanks, Suguru was a little surprised that he sat down beside him and smiled big.

"My mission tomorrow is pretty far away." The boy started, wiggling with excitement.

Suguru smiled softly. "That so? I'll be expecting a souvenir then."

"You got it! Something sweet or savory?"

"Satoru will probably have some too, so maybe something sweet."

This was the normal. It felt refreshing for everything to be so normal. A silent agreement amongst the second and third years to get everyone who asked a souvenir from their respective mission areas. It made for interesting foods or items. Silly things that he could place on his shelf or for him to take a bite and Satoru to steal the rest. Usually complaining about how no one ever gets him anything. Just like Okinawa when you picked that hat—

Your eyes were empty.

Suguru's smile faded away.

"Haibara..." He spoke, not entirely aware if his junior was speaking before he was. But Haibara's eyes moved to him with curiosity. He bowed his head once again. "Are you okay with being a Jujutsu sorcerer? Doesn't it bother you?"

Immediately, the junior took the question seriously. His chin rested between his finger and thumb, eyes narrowed in thought. "Hm... good question..." He uttered, a vague pout on his lips. "I'm not really the type to think too hard about things..."

"I don't think we should underestimate Haibara or Nanami." You had defended the two new boys against Satoru's beratement one day. Your eyes cut to where they were practicing against Yaga's cursed dolls. "We all started somewhere. I'm sure they'll surprise us one day."

"Giving my all toward something I know I can help with is a great feeling!" Haibara finally answered, snapping his fingers and looking at Suguru head on.

Suguru couldn't help the way his eyes widened. For whatever reason, his answered shocked him. It was a pure answer. Further proof that Suguru was different from everyone else. Proved that he was slowly losing a part of himself. Haibara hadn't been graced with the same tragedy he had. He didn't know the cruelty of people and was still hopeful.

"I see..." Suguru uttered, looking away once again.

"You're right." Spoke another voice that neither of them know. Both of the boys looked over to the woman that stood a few feet from them. She was tall, long blonde hair and she wore a smile on her face. "Are you Geto? What kind of girls are you into?"

Your eyes were blank.

He only stared in return.

"I like girls with healthy appetites!" Haibara answered happily.

Suguru frowned. "Haibara."

"It's fine!" He turned to Surguru with a bright light in his eyes. "She's not a bad person. I'm a pretty good judge of character!"

Suguru felt something in his chest shift.

"Do you hate them, Suguru?"

"You say that while sitting next to me?" He uttered, sparing the junior a sidelong glance.

"Of course!" Haibara didn't hesitate.

The woman laughed, resting a hand on her hip. "He was being sarcastic, kid!"

No, I'm not. Suguru almost felt compelled to say. But he didn't have the energy. There wasn't any point in arguing with this stranger either. She didn't know him and he didn't know her. Something he would happily continue to stay true.

Embarrassed, Haibara excused himself with the woman quickly taking his spot. In an instant, Suguru drew back and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Is he your junior? Such an honest and cute kid."

Suguru couldn't help the distasteful glare he sent from the side. "As a jujutsu, he shouldn't be so trusting." He said bitterly.

The woman looked a little discouraged by his little jab, but continued on. "And you, Geto? Are you going to answer my question?"

"Answer mine first— who are you?"

The woman raised her chin, a small smirk on her lips. "Special grade sorcerer Yuki Tsukumo. Ring a bell?"

"You're the...?"

Yes. Yes, it did. Suguru thought bitterly.

He could distinctly recall you rambling on about Tsukumo. On how you wished you could be like her. Someone highly recognized and didn't care what the higher-ups said— just lived her life. To Suguru, it sounded like Tsukumo was kind of a failure. But to you, it was as if she was a symbol of something amazing. Proof that something that was suddenly attainable to you.

Suguru had been convinced you just had a crush on her.

"Nice! The what?"

Suguru clenched his jaw at her interruption of his thoughts. "The no-good special grade who doesn't take on any missions and just bums around overseas." He informed her flatly.

The woman's smile slipped away and she pouted heavily. "I hate Jujutsu High!" She fell back, her elbows rested on the back of the bench. She sulking. "Just kidding. But I'm not lying when I say we don't see eye-to-eye. What they do here is treat symptoms. What I want is to get at the root cause."

Suguru couldn't help perking up with interest. "The root cause?" He asked slowly.

"I don't want to exorcise curses after they appear. I want a world where curses don't even exist."

He stared at her in shock. A world without curses? He felt like he could almost rejoice. His heart gave a little skip and he almost felt like things were normal.

"How about a little lesson? Tell me, what are curses anyway?"

He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. "Curses are created when cursed energy leaks from humans. It then gathers like sediment and takes form." He answered easily. It was something taught in their first year, something everyone knows.

"Excellent," Tsukumo encouraged, nodding. "If that's the case, there are two ways to create a world where curses no longer exist: one, eradicate cursed energy from all humanity. Two, teach humans how to control their cursed energy. The first one's not a bad idea. There was a model case for it after all."

"A model case?"

"Someone you're familiar with: Zen'in Toji."

Almost instantly, Suguru felt an anger rush over him. Toji. That was someone else that he tried to avoid thinking about. Usually, it only led to thoughts darker than when he thought about you. He thought about the various things he would've done to Fushiguro if given the chance. The slow and torturous death he would've given to him if he had the chance. He doubted it would eat away the hatred in his heart, but Suguru would take anything to have him suffer as you did. As he did.

"There have been several cases where heavenly restriction has reduced a person's cursed energy to normal levels. But to eradicate one's cursed energy completely... I've searched all over the world, and he's the only one who's ever done it. But that's not the only thing that's interesting about him. Despite not having cursed energy, Zen'in Toji was able to sense curses using his five sense. By eliminating all cursed energy, his body became sharpened to the point where he developed a resistance to curses."

A part of Suguru really wanted to tell Tsukumo that he didn't care. That monster died and he was glad to hear it. Even if he was the only way to get rid of curses, he was overjoyed that the man was dead now.

"Don't feel bad about losing him." Suguru scoffed, face blank. "I wanted to research him but he blew me off. It's too bad he died."

You smiled at Riko. You held her shoulders. You were going to take her home.

Your eyes were blank.

I killed Gojo Satoru.

"Cases of heavenly restriction are few and far between. So my focus is on two." Tsukumo seemed completely unaware of Suguru's mind raging on while she spoke. She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. "Did you know, jujutsu sorcerers don't give birth to curses?"

That snapped Suguru out of his thoughts. He slowly dragged his eyes to stare at the side of the woman's head as she carried on.

"Of course, that's excluding cases where sorcerers become curses after death—" Do you hate them, Suguru? "—The amount of cursed energy that leaks from sorcerers, compared to from non-sorcerers, is extremely low. There is a difference in how much we consume and use cursed energy because of our profession. But the real reason lies in how it flows through us. For sorcerers, it flows heavily within us. If we're talking general terms— if every single human became a jujutsu sorcerer, no curse would ever be born again."

Suguru's world as he knew it, paused.

The thunderous applause returned. The cheers as Satoru carried Riko's body through the crowd.

The deafening thud of your body as you fell lifelessly to the ground. Riko's scream as your blood painted half of her face. The way his heart echoed against his head as he stared.

You eyes were blank.

Those people. Humans. Non-sorcerers. They created the world that killed you. They created a world where he was alone.

Do you hate them, Suguru?

"Then why not just kill every non-sorcerer?" He asked softly, not daring to lift his head or eyes from between his feet.

There was a silence between the two of them that made him tense up. He said something wrong. But why didn't it feel wrong? Why didn't the suggestion disgust him or make him sweat? Why did it feel like an idea that was meant to be said?

"Geto," Tsukumo finally spoke, voice slow and calculated. "That is an option."

What?

"In fact, that might be the easiest route!"

Suguru slowly lifted his eyes from the floor and stared at the woman next to him with wide eyes. Now, he felt it. He felt the sweat on his brow. It's an option. "What?" He uttered, tilting his head to try and meet her eye as she stared into the distance. "Um..."

"Weed out non-sorcerers and make them adapt to a jujutsu sorcerer based society. In other words, forced evolution. Kinda like how birds grew wings. Using dear and danger as a catalyst."

It's an option. Suguru couldn't shake his stare. He was holding his breath and just staring at her.

"But," There it is. "I aint' that crazy."

She looked amused, but she didn't know him. She didn't know his feelings and the fact that he hated—

"Do you hate non-sorcerers, Geto?" She asked it sincerely.

Do you hate them, Suguru?

His eyes went back the floor, ashamed. "I don't know." He started with a whisper. "I used to think jujutsu sorcerers existed to protect non-sorcerers. But recently, I've been doubting whether non-sorcerers are worth fighting for. The preciousness of the weak. The ugliness of the weak. I can no longer tell the difference. The part of me that looks down on non-sorcerers.... the part of me that tries to resist that feeling...."

The thunderous applause returned. The cheers as Satoru carried Riko's body through the crowd.

The deafening thud of your body as you fell lifelessly to the ground. Riko's scream as your blood painted half of her face. The way his heart echoed against his head as he stared.

You eyes were blank.

"If being a jujutsu sorcerer is like running a marathon, then the finish line is too unclear." Suguru placed a hand against his forehead, hairs tangled between his fingers. "I don't know what I really feel."

"It's understandable, you know?" Suguru glanced at her with a frown as she eyed him contemplatively. "You watched your friend die, right? It's never easy. Messes you up. I'm sure I don't have to tell you."

You don't.

"Death and mourning something can really conjuring some nasty things in your mind. Like killing non-sorcerers— you want to take that anger out on someone. The anger for your friend's life being taken away." She explained it like it was so easy, as if she knew his next steps when he did not. "But looking down on non-sorcerers... resisting that feeling... those are just possibilities you've thought of. Whatever your true feeling is, you still have to decide."

The conversation didn't lead to anywhere else and Suguru was feeling himself grow more tired the more he stayed away from his dorm. He was about to excuse himself when Tsukumo asked for him to follow her out. She didn't say much on the way out and Suguru was grateful for it.

The woman got on her bike and waved at him. "I'll see ya! I was hoping to say hi to Gojo as well. Bad timing, I guess." She slid her goggles on. "As fellow special grade sorcerers, let's all three of us get along, okay?"

Suguru gave her his best smile, which wasn't much. "I'll send you regards to Gojo."

Tsukumo smiled, starting up her bike. She was about to ride off when she looked back at him. "One last thing. Don't worry about what happened with the Star Plasma Vessel. Whether there was another vessel or another vessel was born— whatever happened, Tengen is stabilized."

He didn't think it possible, but his hatred grew. Tengen is stabilized.

The thunderous applause returned. The cheers as Satoru carried Riko's body through the crowd.

The deafening thud of your body as you fell lifelessly to the ground. Riko's scream as your blood painted half of her face. The way his heart echoed against his head as he stared.

You eyes were blank.

Tengen is stabilized.

Suguru bowed his head as she drove off. "I figured."

What the fuck had you died for, anyway?

Haibara was dead and he'd seen the body. The entire time Suguru thought of you.

As Nanami attempted to hold back tears, as he explained that they were caught off guard by a special grade, Suguru saw you in Haibara's place.

Both of you victims of a system created to protect people who weren't grateful. Who didn't even know you exist. People who had spared both of you not a single glance despite being so caring, so selfless. Who were they to put this unbearable burden on everyone's shoulders then act like you were different?

Haibara was sweet. You liked him. So did Suguru.

Haibara was dead. So were you. Suguru felt hatred build in him.

As he stared at Haibara's bloodied face, he had thought one thing: who would suffer for this death?

Gojo completed the mission. Gojo exorcised the curse. Gojo. Gojo. Gojo. Gojo.

Gojo.

Why should Gojo be the one wrecking havoc? When it was Suguru that was filled with rage? When he was the one that wanted nothing more than to harm the ones that caused this all?

Do you hate them, Suguru?

"What is this?" Suguru asked slowly, staring at the sight before him.

Two girls seemingly coward away from him. Their faces bloodied and bruised. The cage that contained them offered no comfort. Just the cold hard ground and the darkness. They shook under his gaze and he couldn't find it in himself to look away. He couldn't turn around and question the people behind him. He did not know what he'd do if he looked them in the eyes as they explained themselves.

"What do you mean? These two are responsible for the incident, right?" Asked one man.

Suguru clenched his jaw. "No, they are not."

"These two possess strange powers and often attack the villagers."

This was of your own creation.

"I already dealt with the cause for the incident."

"My grandchild nearly died because of these two!" Protested the elderly woman as if she realized that Suguru wasn't going to believe these two were responsible.

The blonde child leaned forward. "That was because they—"

"Shut up you monsters!"

"Your parents were the same! I knew we should've killed you when you were born!"

As the two adults berated the children, Suguru came to a decision. His heart was no longer torn in two. As he stared at the girl's, his resolution was made.

He lifted his finger and a shadowed curse sprouted. "It-It'll be okay..." The girls stared at him with wide eyes, almost relieved. If he were a different man. If he in a different mindset then, he would've cried over the relief that washed over them. "Do...Don't worry... it'll be o-okay."

He ignored how familiar the voice was, how familiar the words were. He'd grown used to finding something that wasn't there in the curses he had collected. The fact that the ones he barely manifested were the ones that sounded like you the most.

Suguru turned around to the villagers and smiled. One that he hadn't managed to conjure up in some time.

"Let's step outside for a moment, shall we?"

The two followed him out and Suguru wasn't sure what words he said, what movement he made, but he could see the horror in their eyes. As he manifested his beloved curses, the one people like them had created, he felt an anger bubble up. Emotions that he had desperately pushed aside in an attempt to continue his life were now running their way to the forefront of his mind.

The grief of losing you. The anger of the complete disregard of you life by the society as a whole. The fact that there was nothing left of you now. Nothing—

"Suguru, do you hate them?"

His body stiffened. His wide eyes dragged from the horrified, begging people before him, to over his shoulder. The shadow that loomed over him now.

He'd read about this before. It was some obscure book he found while researching previous curse manipulators. It talked about various things that he used to prove to Yaga that he was learning something. One section had piqued his interest, but it was never information that he'd use in random day-to-day. Vengeful spirits. Usually, this only happened after sorcerers die without jujutsu being used against them. Their very soul and spirit is corrupted and transformed into something horrible. Something darker than who they truly were in life.

As Suguru stared at the spirit before him now, he knew what he had inadvertently done to you. The way your large body curled around him, wisps of what should be hair floating above you, your body clad in an open and flowing kimono. What caught his eyes the most, were your own eyes. Despite being almost invisible, he was relived. They were not blank. Instead, they looked like they burned with the rage he had held back for years.

It was as if you were the extension of his very soul.

"It should be noted that if you find yourself attached to a vengeful spirit: You must establish a clear master/servant bond. As the spirit is attached to your own soul, they musn't be allowed to overcome you. If exorcism is not an option, then create a clear set of rules. Summon them only when necessary. Vengeful spirits are not to be taken lightly."

"Suguru, do you hate them?" Your eyes did not leave his.

This time, he didn't hesitate nor lie. "Yes."

He heard them whimper in fear.

You moved unnaturally, but he didn't care. "Do you want them to die, Suguru?"

His eyes narrowed. "Yes."

Your hand rested on his shoulder and he didnt even care if your talon like nails dug into his flesh. He watched, awestruck, as you turned your feral gaze onto the cowering villagers. "Can I hurt them for you, Suguru?"

Despite your state, despite what it meant for him, he couldn't help but feel the warmth blossom through his chest. He basked in the feeling of your brushed against his shoulder.

"Yes."

An unnatural smile creeped over your face and your shot forward, now clutching your katana.

All Suguru could think was: you're back.

"Suguru....what have you done?"

Geto adjusted his gojogesa with a emotionless mask over his face. The bags that had adorned his eyes for the past year were mostly gone. He was finally able to eat. His mind wasn't constantly ringing with that thunderous applause or the thud of your body. Instead, he was free. There was silence.

Except whenever you spoke.

"Where did you get that energy? Suguru, answer me!"

He had seen Gojo a week ago. He had said his goodbyes, vaguely masked as threat. Geto knew what they were now. Enemies by default. He knew it couldn't be long before the higher-ups found out about the village— known exactly what he'd become that night. He was a curse user.

God, was that a great feeling.

Geto was giddy that night. He couldn't help the giddiness he felt with his freedom. The happiness he felt as he held Nanako and Mimiko in his arms, trekking through the woods to the main street where he dragged them to his parent's house. That whole situation had been something in itself. Their anger, their confusion, the heartbreak for not understanding their son anymore.

Geto had simply taken what he needed for the twins, then left you to take care of his parents.

"You feel it, don't you, Gojo? You see them."

There was an assortment of things that Geto found himself doing after he defected. He suddenly found himself in the place of taking care of two twin girls that clung to his clothes and followed his every word like he was the Buddha guiding them towards enlightenment. There big eyes screamed the thank you's that he did not need or would accept. Still, he could tell that they were trying to prove that they were useful to him. Whatever that meant coming from a pair of 6 year olds.

The second thing he'd started was taking over the Star Plasma Religious Group. Although he heard they had disbanded a year prior, it appeared that they were just absorbed by another money hungry fool scamming them for every last cent they had. Not that he was about to go bad mouthing other people's methods for something he was about to do himself. It was surprisingly easy to take over a religious group when you had a vengeful spirit hanging off of you. The men, although easy to get on his side, he still killed. There was no point to their existence now. Not when he had his own plans outside from worshipping the likes of Tengen.

The last thing he was taking care of was you.

"....What did you do?"

"Nothing. I did nothing. They're was always with me."

Geto's adventure back into the books covering vengeful spirits was actually welcomed this time around. As a younger student, he hadn't really cared to think about what would happen to him if he happened to die in a terribly normal way. But now it was something he regarded with the utmost fascination. The different descriptions of vengeful spirits made him ponder exactly what you were.

Violent and seeking revenge. Sad and lost. Unaware they're dead and seeking guidance. Plague that spreads death, leeching off certain hosts. Clingy, they seek approval from the attached for their actions. These spirits had a connection with the host in their life and feel something unfinished in their death.

He could remember the look in Gojo's eyes as his eyes strained to look over Geto's shoulder. The fear and the realization that washed over him. The anger in his eyes as he seemed to grieve over not only Suguru, but you as well. The waver in his voice as he asked Geto what he had done. It almost made Geto feel bad.

Almost.

Gojo had his life laid out for himself. The higher-ups knew what they could do with him. He was practically bred and born for his role amongst everything. He'd live and die the jujutsu society. Something that always unsettled Suguru, but something Geto accepted. He came second. Last compared to jujutsu.

At least he had you. It was you and him first. Then Gojo. He could make this work again. He wouldn't let anything happen to you again.

Geto shifted his attention elsewhere as he flattened his robes.

God, he really did look the part now, didn't he? Except, maybe, the hair. But he wasn't doing anything about it.

"This place is still a religious group to the public, are you okay with that?" Asked one of the nameless faces that Geto would encounter in his life.

He over looked the stage before him with a flat expression. "As long as I can collect curses and money, that's all right." He reassured.

The man frowned, looking at Geto with some vague confusion. "Are you really going out there like that?"

He let a grin spread across his lips. "Why not? Bluffing and looking the part is important."

"Master Geto..."

He spared the twins a soft glance, a reassuring smile gracing his features. He reached down and ruffled their hair gently. "Be sure to watch closely." He whispered to them, watching with a warmth in his heart as they smiled and giggled at one another. "Have they gathered?"

"Directors, representatives. The chairman. And a lot more money waiting."

Geto grinned, taking the microphone from the man, and making his way out onto the stage.

The last time he'd been in the building they were giving a thunderous applause for Riko's death and, by extension, yours. He had been waiting a year to see them all again. To look them in the eyes and find a proper way to make them suffer. To make them feel the same fear or suffering that you and Riko had in your last moments.

"Can everyone hear me? Thank you for waiting, I'll keep this short." He announced as he came to a stop before them all. Nameless faces, judgmental side eyes, questionable whispers to one another. They did not remember Suguru. But he would make sure they remembered Geto. "As of this moment, this group is mine. We'll have a new name as well. You all will obey me."

Instantly, there was a scattered rise of opposition in the crowd.

Geto's grin faltered as he listened to the various questions of exactly who was he made their way to him. He could hear the anger and the confusion. His frustration heightened.

"Well, isn't that a shame." He dragged a hand over his face, eyes grazing the crowd before he grinned one more. He tried to look as inviting as he could, waving a hand at one man in particular. "Mister Sonoda! Could you please come up to the stage? Yes, that's right, you!"

As the older man stood from his seat and hobbled his way up, Geto narrowed his eyes. Despite his smile, his eyes couldn't hide the contempt and the hatred he had for the man before him. He could see that he noticed in the way he faltered on the steps. But pushed through and stood by Geto's eyes.

He made eye contact with Sonoda, then— "Y/N."

He found it easy to summon you. To watch you tear away at the man who had so brazenly ordered Riko's death. To listen to the garbled expressions of hatred you exclaimed as you tore his enemies limb-by-limb. It felt like it was some form a justice. To finally see the horror in their eyes, the blankness of it all. Bittersweet for him to watch.

However, he couldn't stand there and watch you in awe forever. He had people to take under his control.

Geto turned his attention back to the crowd. Satisfaction grew in his chest as he saw the horror and shock fall over their faces. Easily, Geto threw the microphone away.

"Now then, let's try this again." He scowled at the crowd, feeling you loom over his shoulder once again. He used his thumb to brush away some of the blood. "Obey me, monkeys."

III. 2015

"Are you mad at me, Suguru?"

Things had been going smoothly for Geto in the past eight years.

The cult, because that's what he considered it, was running finely. Those who owed money, gave it to him, or else. Those who followed, followed with loyalty, or else. Those who served no purpose, were dealt with. He had created a normal amongst the congregation. A standard that he himself had wanted to watch them scramble to keep. A constant state of panic or devotion for them that fed into his, honestly, growing ego.

Things like his family kept him rather humble.

The girls had grown accustomed to their lives with Geto. They seemed to thrive and love under his care. All of them had grown to a routine that they cherished with one another. They even seemed accustomed to you. The fear and confusion of others wasn't found in their eyes or hearts. Geto never properly explained what happened after death if certain things didn't take place, but they understood anyone. They knew you were important to him— by extension making you important to them.

The other members of the family— Laure, Miguel, Manami, Toshihisa— had a vague understanding of exactly what a vengeful spirit entailed. Although, they weren't jumping at the opportunity to really talk about it. Laure had attempted once, but the conversation died out quickly due to the look on Geto's face. The man was quick to drop the topic once he saw the expression painting the leader's face. Allegedly, he looked ready to kill.

Earlier that day, though, Miguel was braver. And Geto was in a far clearer mood.

"How did it happen?" The man's deep voice asked gently from where he sat across from Geto. Once the confusion set in of his sudden question, he raised an eyebrow at the apparent shadow rested behind his chair. "How did they get cursed?"

Geto himself had thought about it for years. He wondered what point you had been damned blessed to be attached to his soul even after death. It took him a long time. In the mix of things, death and decay, the sharp turn of his ideals— he had barely any time to really think about what made you this spirit clinging onto his life.

Some books said that it could be the connection shared by the host and spirit before death. Others said that hosts had the ability to curse the spirit themselves. That their desperation and their inability to let go was the true reason that sorcerers would live on as something horrible. Something completely opposite as to who they were in life.

He had pushed the thoughts away before they could ever really come to fruition. The possibility that he had been the one to create you into this. The thought alone was enough to twist his stomach. So instead he ignored it. He lived in blissful ignorance.

"Just happens sometimes after death." Geto answered flatly, turning his attention back to his book. He knew there was curiosity amongst his family to know things about you. Afterall, you were considered a part of the family, but there was simply no room to have conversation with you. You either grew hostile or confused and sought Geto out for answers. "Sorcerers whenever they're killed by a non-curse way or something another.

"Hm," Miguel's hum had remained unconvinced as his eyes trailed back to you. As your fingers hovered over the corner of the seat, but you didn't peek out. "There was a couple in my village back home. They were considered the ideal relationship at the time— I was a kid and thought so too. They were kind people. I always enjoyed getting special treatment from the wife, she was like a mother. She was one of the only other people I ever met in my home country that could see curses. Everything was good. But then her husband went and died from sickness. There was something different from the moment she died. She went a little crazy and one day she went and got real angry. Then— boom, there's her husband. But he was different. He was like yours."

Geto hadn't really known what to make of that rather non-sensical story at the time. He had just stared at Miguel before nodding slowly in return. "That's tragic." He wasn't interested in the possibilities.

"Nanako told me it was hard on you when they died." Miguel carried on as if he hadn't very visibly paused for Geto to speak his heart out. "Said that you said it was the reason you're the way you are now."

There was moments where Geto felt frustration with the twins. Their willingness to be so open with the family. Their ability to talk about their emotions so easily. The fact that they couldn't keep a secret for their lives.

The conversation about you had come up when the house was particularly restless and they were morbidly curious. They asked what you were like alive. What he was like as a kid. What the both of you were like in high school. How did you die.

He had looked off distantly and recalled the details— although he left out the gorey, unlikeable parts. He left in the parts where he was sad, that he had a hard time. He explained it in a way that kids like them could understand and use later to make sure they didn't end up the same way. Isolated and full of hatred.

Then, he made the mistake of mentioning Gojo. Their questions fell on deaf ears as he wished them goodnight and tried to drown out the memories of his youth.

"Don't get on her case about it. She's was just curious what certain things meant." Miguel must've taken his silence as anger because he stared at Geto with pleasantly narrowed eyes. "Have you ever considered exactly what happened to them?"

The question wasn't hostile or had any nefarious undertones.

He might as well had threatened Geto though.

Your eyes were blank.

"Please get up."

Geto had quickly excused himself, claiming that he needed to head to bed. He didn't miss the disappointment in Miguel's eyes or the fact that he had tensed up as you drew closer. He didn't want to think about it. What had taken place before, during, and after your death. He didn't need the questions—

"Please get up."

Tonight he couldn't escape it.

Eight years worth of questions and mystery filled his mind. The things he didn't dare address or ponder upon.

Sitting against his headboard, staring blankly into the darkness, he knew exactly how things ended up like this.

Him, a pathetic boy, staring into your lifeless eyes— he had begged for you to be alive. He had laid there with tears in his eyes, a pain in his chest, and a wavering plead breaking from his lips. Before he had fallen unconscious, he reached out his hand.

He reached out his hand.

Your eyes were blank.

Geto knew that he had cursed you. That his pleads and desperately attempt at touching you one last time had somehow damned you. He didn't need to know how it worked. He just knew that it was his fault.

The disgust in Gojo's eyes, the heartbreak, the shock. It was all things Geto deserved. For he had robbed you of the eternal rest you deserved.

The tears collected in his eyes and, for the first time in eight years, he felt a heavy bought of regret press against his chest.

He's known you longer dead than you were alive. Two years of his life had ruled onto the next eight. He had let his grief blind him. He was desperate to not let you go. To keep up some illusion in his head that he would be able to keep you there. To not let you fade away.

Selfish. He'd never been selfish before your death.

"Suguru?"

Your voice, distorted and garbled, was not something that he wanted to hear in that moment. Whatever reason, you were beside the bed now, head rested against your arms. He barely spared you a glance as the tears spilled over.

Selfish. Here you were now. Some weird sense in you to come out and comfort him. He had done this to you. An eternity to comfort him.

Selfish.

"Suguru, are you angry?" You sounded concerned, an odd sound that it didn't seem to fit you now.

Geto clenched his jaw, flexing his fingers. "Only at myself." He uttered.

You inched forward on the bed, a heavy frown spread across your face. "Why are you angry at yourself?"

He finally dragged his eyes to you, lids heavy and face almost as lifeless as your own. "I cursed you." He said it quietly but it felt extremely loud in his empty room. He looked for any realization in your eyes, any type of anger directed at him, but there was nothing. You just stared in return. You should be enraged. "I cursed you. Don't you understand what that means?"

Still, you didn't look angry.

"You saved me—"

"No, no, I didn't." Geto interrupted, closing his eyes in mild irritation. "I didn't... save you. I cursed you. I-I cursed you to stay by my side as I kill. As I kill in your name, you should be angry, Y/N."

“But… they’ve hurt you.” You say it with such confusion and sincerity that it makes him sick.

It’s then that he realizes what this all meant.

If you were alive now, you would look at him with all the rage in the world. You would damn him. You would be disgusted. If you were alive you would probably try to get him to see it all differently. You would tell him that staying with Gojo would’ve been better than this isolation, than this constant feeling in his chest. You would’ve known better than him.

It was then that he realized that he still blamed you for a lot. He wasn’t sure if things would be the same if just Riko died. Or maybe if you all had lived. Would he still be drawn to the same fate only later? Sometimes he was hopeful that he would be the same. Other times he wished he didn’t. All of it led to one thing: his anger for you.

There were some nights he would stay up and think about what you would do in his position. You would forgive them, try to use death as a chance to grow. You were much kinder than him. Or maybe you would be driven insane. None of you had quite tasted death until that mission. You probably would’ve handled things much differently than him if you had seen where Haibara ended up.

Bitterly, Geto thought, you probably would’ve given up.

Your sadness was always prone to taking you down. To whisper those forbidden and nasty things to you until you just wanted to bleed. You admitted to him and Gojo once that you didn’t even think you would make it to high school once. It scared them both, but you always got back up.

Yeah, you wouldn’t handle the sadness.

With a clenched jaw, Geto reached out and held your face. “I made you into this. You only kill and feel that way because that’s how I feel. Doesn’t that make you angry? Don’t you hate me?” He so desperately wanted you to see it from his point of view. He wanted the logic of it all to hit your brain and for you to finally finish what Toji and Gojo couldn’t— properly kill him.

However, just as you were in life, you would never take his life.

“I don’t care about those things.” You uttered in that distorted voice, those eyes of yours filled with emotions that he couldn’t hand pick. “Have I done something to upset you, Suguru?”

"No." Geto answered without hesitation. He pinched his eyes closed and took a deep breath. "I just want you to understand what this is."

He could feel your nail ghost over his thigh. "I understand."

Geto didn't believe you did, but he didn't have the energy to fight you. Not anymore. A part of him would always long to have a good long argument with you. But now it felt different. It felt as if it were all fabricated.

You were too agreeable now.

Please don't die. Please don't leave me.

But he supposed this was his punishment now. For being so desperate.

He rested his hand on top of your head. "Thanks for listening, I guess."

He can deal with the guilt later.

IV. 2017

Geto Suguru knew this would happen.

At least, a part of him was aware that death with a very high likely once he looked Gojo Satoru in the eye and declared war. Maybe even before that as he overlooked the mess of blood and limbs Rika had left behind at the elementary.

Either way, Geto Suguru knew this would happen.

"Hey," You had spoke one day as the three of them lounge in the courtyard. You had your uniform jacket open and your hair loose from the headband you wore to keep it out of your face. A good memory if it weren't for your next question. "Is it good to live a dishonorable life and have a honorable death, or a honorable life with a dishonorable death?"

"Huh? Why would you ask that now?" Satoru had pouted.

You had shrugged. "I mean, Yaga-sensei says that to be a sorcerer we'll have to live with our regrets, but he never talks about honor."

Satoru, in true fashion, rolled his eyes at you before taking a large bite out of his sandwich. "Because it's a bunch of self righteous mumbo-jumbo." He had said through a mouth full.

"Whatever." Your eyes dragged to Suguru. Your face had blossomed into a soft smile. "What do you think, Suguru?"

Suguru had frowned, biting on his lower lip as he thought. "I think what we all consider honorable varies. At the end of the day, you'll have to look back on your life yourself and decide whether you lived it worth wild." As you and Satoru stared at him with raised eyebrows, he shyly shrugged. "Don't worry about how honorable or dishonorable you'll be to others— just live a life that'll make you happy."

While you stared at him with someone akin to awe, Satoru stared blankly at him before bowing. "Truly inspirational, Suguru-sama, please invoke more of your wisdom on us!"

You had defended Suguru fervently as Satoru crowed against your assault. Then, he had been unwavering in his beliefs.

Now, Geto Suguru, stumbling down the ally with a missing arm, knew that all was bullshit.

There was nothing honorable or dishonorable about death. It was all a matter how people viewed you at the time. No one would be truly satisfied with their death because there would be a long list of things they wished they had done or hadn't done in their life.

As Yaga had said, they would all die with regrets.

His plans to obtain Rika had been rooted from a place of pure selfishness. His need to find alternative needs that didn't include using you in the most indescribable and unforgiveable way. He knew, deep down, that if he had used you the way that he planed to use Rika's powers— he would never forgive himself.

He hadn't even wanted to use you against Okkotsu Yuta. But that kid was something else. Most definitely a protege of Gojo Satoru. He could recall the caught off guard look on Okkotsu's face once you appeared. The confusion and the shock that overtook him as you wrapped yourself around Geto Suguru. He had uttered something that made the man falter.

"You're like me?"

There were so many things something that could mean.

You're like me: you're cursed with a love by your side, permanently protecting you against things that you didn't think were dangerous.

You're like me: someone had died so close to you that couldn't quite detach themselves from your soul.

You're like me: you cursed another because you couldn't accept that death was final?

Yes, Geto Suguru bitterly thought as his drive to kill Okkotsu grew. I did.

Now, Geto Suguru couldn't even feel you brewing with his soul. He didn't even think there'd be a difference if you ever left him. But there was this odd sense of loneliness deep within him that made him sick (definitely had nothing to do with the intense blood loss). His stomach churned as his mind silently cried out for you.

Was this true death? Nothing left to hold onto, just the memories and emptiness?

You're like me: you can't live without them.

Geto Suguru fell against the wall of the alley with a bitter scoff. Of course he couldn't. No matter how much he tried to convince himself, he spent the last 10 years attach his very life and soul around you. Tried to act like a big boy whenever he was asked what he would do if he was freed from this curse.

He didn't even get to say goodbye.

Your eyes were blank.

"You finally made it," Geto Suguru snorted as he shifted his eyes over to the looming figure feet from him. "Satoru."

There was something so jarring seeing him now.

Compared to when he arrived a month prior, Gojo Satoru lacked those bandages around his eyes. Those blinding and once comforting pair of sky blues were staring into his very soul blankly. Did he realize that he wasn't coming to say goodbye to you? To free you from a monster like Geto Suguru? That he had actually used you in a last ditch effort to obtain Rika?

He was sure he was aware now.

"You'll be the one to take me down, huh?" He kept a hold on his shoulder as he dragged his eyes away from Gojo Satoru to avoid the unbearable guilt that overcame him. Years of regret and what if's overtaking his mind. "How's my family?"

As long as Nanako and Mimiko were safe, he could die without regret.

"They all got away. Kyoto was your doing too, wasn't it?" Gojo Satoru's voice was as telling as it was 10 years ago. As saddened and angered as the day he had walked away from it all.

"Yeah, unlike you, I'm a kind person. You sent those two here knowing I'd defeat them.... just so you could trigger Okkotsu's growth." He had been thinking about it since the moment Okkotsu's eyes had darkened. The unbearable grief that took over the boy as he eyed his unmoving and bloody friends.

Your eyes were blank.

"It's called trust. People with beliefs like yours wouldn't kill a young sorcerer without reason."

Geto Suguru laughed. "Trust, huh?" He couldn't help the amusement flow through him. After all these years... "I didn't realize you still felt any connection with me."

His counterpart responded with a scoff. "Suguru." It was said with the weight of a thousand lonely days— as if Satoru had thought the same. As if nothing had changed. The man clenched his jaw, ducking his eyes from view as he spoke once again: "Any last words?"

Geto Suguru drew in a heavy breath, things were really getting hazy now— almost feather light. "No matter what, I'll always hate those monkeys." His words were said with the disdain and hatred of the past ten years. Then he thought about where he was 10 years ago. The grief and the isolation that overtook him. He grew quiet. "But it's not like I hate everyone at Jujutsu High. It's just that in this world... I couldn't wear a heartfelt smile."

Satoru stood there in silence. Seeming to take in the words carefully.

"Anything else?" He uttered.

Suguru frowned, ducking his head. There was one thing he had been thinking about for the past two years that grappled him in the most unnerving ways. "Do you think they'll forgive me?" His question was soft and barely there— he was barely there himself anyway.

Satoru scoffed, except it sounded more fond than before. "They were always too forgiving of us. If you're worried about your purgatory being apologizing to them for eternity, then you're fine— it'd be too easy anyway." He joked softly, except his blank expression didn't quite add to the comfort or joke of it all.

I'd spend the rest of time apologizing. Suguru fought the urge to say.

"I figured."

"Suguru," Satoru took attentive steps forward, crouching down to his level. Their eyes met and there was something almost tangiable in that gaze of his. "I love you. I forgive you."

Suguru couldn't help the shock that flushed over his body. As the pain seemed to leave him completely, he used the last bits of his strength to show Satoru a true smile. The only one he could really conjure.

"You could at least curse me at the end."

As Satoru stared at him, as Yuta Okkotsu celebrated with his friends the victory and their safety, and as Suguru took his last breaths, his eyes trailed over Satoru's shoulder.

You stared back with a kind smile. Looking more alive than you had in the past ten years, you wore the clothes you had the day you died, your normal boring uniform. Suguru hated to admit he missed seeing those terrible uniforms.

"Suguru."

[bear-remn]

I am ON MY KNEES, frothing at the mouth for Ayato's post! Keep up the great work!! Loved reading through em all! ♡

— ayato headcanons!

hiii, ty for waiting, ayato is one of my favorites boys in DL so i hope the love is serving, hoping you guys enjoy this post as much as i did writing it!!

tw: this post contains nsfw (+18)!!! if you don't like that content don't read it!

i had such a great time drawing this beautiful man, i really love him so i hope you guys love him as much as i do.

his looks and selfcare

so, ayato appearence... i love this man... cof cof one of my favorites cof cof... so i have a lot of thoughts on him.

to begin with i think ayato is a very, and i mean it, a very attractive man with a masculine presence and aura that makes me weak. for starting ayato is really cute and hot at the same time, and i am only talking about his face.

i think ayato face has a sharp jaw, and his smile is really a plus to his faction's, cute and both handsome at the same time, his eyes are'nt too slanted but has a very cat eye looking, has some long lashes and his gaze is very energetic, powerful, penetrating, dominant and cocky. so he has a killer eyes basically.

i like to think ayato has only one dimple, on his left cheek, it only appears when he smiles or laughs. and ayato has such a cute laugh.

but ayato face even if he has a very strong jaw, he still have a delicate and armonic face, he is a real beauty.

and bc ayato is a vampire he does'nt sweat, any, so does'nt really smell bad, but he does enjoy taking his showers, he prefers showers than baths, and it has to be a hot boiling water, he likes to relax while he cleans himself, ayato uses a scrub sponge to achieve an even greater sense of cleanliness, use a exfoliating soap and his shampoo is made of honey. he likes that smell a lot.

ayato also has a very atlethic body, he likes sports a lot! he began with the basic ones, such as basketball and soccer, but then became interested in swimming, ayato enjoys having this one in the comfort of his home.

i think ayato body is very... good, like bc he is good at sports, has some good muscles, his arms are cozy and his chest too, i love to think of ayato with big pectorals, and his abs??? omg... ayato also has a good and pominent v line, and as shu, ayato also has a (not so bushy) happy trail, i like to think that ayato is not againts his own body hair, he trims it sometimes but ayato just let his body be.

i think ayato knows how attractive he is, so he uses that to pick his clothes, like he is totally into compression shirts, dear lord. also he has a comfy but tight style, like to show his pectorals, abs and strong arms always so he puts tight fits, also likes jackets, i mean, those jackests racers use, or universal ones, or just showy and flashy jackets. very expensive too, dont like dupe's.

and i think that ayato used tio bite his nails, but since the death of his mother he stopped this, now, ayato paints them in black, not always tho, just when he is too bored and look for too long at his nails.

i think ayato also can grow a beard but he feels strange, so he shave it off, and after it he puts sunscreen only where he shaves. one time he did'nt and some acne pop out so he got scared since.

random stuff

so, ayato is really my favorite with these ones.

i think ayato is one of the most clingy and romantic one, probably bc he can't keep his hands, eyes and mouth off you but thats for later.

ayato enjoys, like really, loves romantic movies, he has seen every each one of them, really likes when the couple dont get together at the end, he thinks that is real love but he would never let his lover go.

i think ayato has win like medals of his favorites sports, except for soccer, he is'nt the runner type. and has a little shelf of trophies.

and even if ayato sleep in classes, i think he knows everyting bc how many years has he been in there? like a vampire for ever? he definetly don't need school, and in his childhood he probably studied obligated and unhappy (ofc), so when ayato learning things "obligated" in school he hates to put attention to it. i also think ayato has cheated in some exams or tests, like, he sits at the back and then copy his classmates, gets pissed if someone dont give him the answer.

and speaking about school, ayato is really popular, more than you think, i like to think that ayato is know as the treasure of his grade, i mean, he is maybe the best at gym class and don't get bad grades, he is attractive and stuff. like, you cant walk past ayato and dont look back bc he man is gorgeous.

i also think that ayato deep down, do enjoys spending time with laito and kanato, like, playing for dumb things and joking while eating, i think he do loves them, but he don't give them any kind of affection or let them have his things. oh, and ayato is very posessive, one time kanato used his soap and ayato got really mad that almost hit kanato for it. ayato dont share either food or his stuff, nothing.

i think ayato likes to go to these typical japanese festivals (idontknowthenamessorry) only for the food, and for his pretty privileges never pays, he always makes the people selling stuff give him free things.

i think ayato used to be a really insecure and anxious kid, he bited his nails and his fingers, often ended on sucking his own blood for it. and when he entered his teen ages, i think ayato pulled his hair, you know, like those people that can't help but pull it and dont notice, he had a bald spot once but no one notice.

i think ayato is the guy that when gets mad, randomly yell "bitch!" with no fucking reason, like if he is'nt finding one of his socks and gets upset, he would just yell at the air, or when someone is being terrible annoying he just yell "shut up you bitch!" its his favorite curse word. and also, when he is hearing gossip he would just comment "bitch?" like a reaction. its part of him.

oh, and a little detail, i think ayato is a little scared of religions, but not like physically, more like, he does'nt get it so always get chills from seeing religious things or hearing something related. all bc of horror religious movies, he just thinks those kind of people can be a little crazy.

nsfw

oh, i have been waiting for this, and i know you guys too so.

ayatos dick? oh dear lord.

i think ayato has a solid and proud 18 cm when is hard, like, his dick is thick and his balls also are really heavy, the tip is a little more pink and his pubic hair is there but really short and well kept. and it does'nt look up, its a little down for how heavy his dick is, and ayato always has some of liquid coming out. so his tip is glowy.

i think ayato is so dominant, he is not a bottom, but he do likes when you fignt back to be the dominant one, or talk back to him, or defy him. he really finds it hot. too submissive partner for him can be a little boring.

i think ayato loves to get reaction out of you, like he will literally try to make you nervous in all chances he gets, and his way of doing it, he is really such an ass. like if you two are studying together and he does'nt get something, he totally does but, will ask you to explain, and will play dumb until he randomly just say "i might understand if you sit on my lap... or take off you skirt, maybe like that my mind can focus on you haha" or when ayato take you blood and he is not desesperate and just having a little he will say "enjoying i see, wanting some more? i see what kind of face you are doing, dont be shy now" and his smile with his beautiful dimple? he is really a killer.

i think ayato, ofc when ayato is in love with you or just want you for himself, he is such a little kid, always holding your hand while walking or while he drives and you are by his side he is the kind of guy to hold onto you leg and squeeze it. or when he wakes up he always kiss you sleepy, or when you two say goodbye he will hug you tight and kiss you tenderly. and his kisses really are everything.

i like to think that ayato is a really good kisser, like, he knows how to go from a cute and tender kiss to a hungry and wet one, he just knows, and loves kisses too. like if you two are in a little argument and you face got a little blushed by amger he will just kiss you to shut you up and also bc he loves when you get blushed, he thinks you look so good with red cheeks "muah...what!? don't hit me! i could'nt resist you!"

oh, and if you two are together he totally is the kind of man that when passing behind you will slap you butt, not hard, he just hit it. or when you get up he also slap it, or when you bend over, or when you look pretty, he just like to touch you butt. i imagine ayato having like a normal and totally out of the clue question "hey love, do you know where my charger is?" and when you respond he kisses you "i'll go check" and slap your ass before leaving.

but oh, he doesnt only like your butt, he is obssesed with you body, i think ayato is the type of man that when you two are watching movies is touching you, like you leg, he touch it not sexually ofc, or you feet, or you hair, or any part that is comfortable for him to touch. oh and it is canon that ayato likes when you touch his hair so he also ask for that a lot when you two are just hanging out.

i think ayato can get worked up real fast, like he is so obssesed with you and so in love, in his own way, that a little peck on the lips will do to him. and after that he will try and make you get in the mood. i think ayato is not pushy about it, i mean, he tell you but he likes to work the mood first. i think ayato will start kissing you, ofc, while his hands hold your waist making you come closer, and if you two are standing up he will walk you to some surface, like a bed, a couch, a table even, he does'nt care. but not the floor tho.

and before dropping you in the bed he will squeeze your ass and slap it to then get you on bed. and he can't stand you body being so hot, bc they as vampires, dont get any kind of body heat. so he will take his shirt off before join you in bed "like what you see? be grateful for how good i treat you, ok? hehe" and his dimple really makes you weak.

me too girl, me too.

i think ayato enjoys rubbing his body against yours, like he pushes his erection against your leg as he kisses you, of course bothering your lip with his fangs, while his hands sneak under your t-shirt to pull out your bra, and his cold hands really know what they're doing, touching your skin possessively. and his breaths? when he is horny he can be vocal, but he is just so masculine.

you know when someone has such a masculine presence? and they show it with every action? but they are so pretty and handsome? thats ayato right there.

and ayato definetly will mess up with you, like he will tease your nipples through your clothes, while looking at the expressions you make "if you keep looking at me like that... i wont be able to hold myself from devour you completly" and his dick just trobs in his pants.

and he really holds back from tearing your clothes apart, like, i think ayato might take yout clothes off and just contemplate you, he loves your body. and he is going straight into your pussy.

I imagine him kneeling on the bed, he takes your legs and raises your hips to have you at the height of his mouth, he loves to eat your pussy, depending on the mood of course, it will be fast or slow, and if he is slow, he concentrates more than anything on your clit, sucking carefully and caressing it with a flat tongue "damn honey... youre so fucking wet, so good ohmm..." and he moans while eating it. he can get so pussy drunk sometimes.

and yes, he does call you honey sometimes.

and when you suck ayato's dick, he likes to be seated in the bed and you on all fours, so he can see your ass, loves to see your back as well, good arched and if you have dimples on your lower back he goes crazy, and if you suck for too long his tip his legs might shiver so ayato will take his dick off your mouth by grabbing you by your hair "fuck... don't do that honey, keep sucking me good, ok? be good for me... yes ah... only for me..."

i think for the poses that ayato likes, he probably likes a lot of them, like i think his favorites can be with your legs on his shoulders, or from behind.... but do love to have you legs on his shoulders. i imagine ayato putting it in slowly while watching you face, and his eyes are so fucking hot, he is the kind of man that will tell you with his eyes how much he desires you.

and about his pace, i do think ayato likes to start slow and deep and eventually become more rough or fast. so when he is slow he makes sure to bump a little so your tits bounce a little, and he loves to see your tits bounce, definetly will bite your ankles but not drink too much so you can keep up.

and when ayato begins to be more rough, he will slap your ass hard as he thrust you so deep, you can feel how he can touch every part of you. eventually the pose will become a mating press. his dick is just so hard and hot for you and his balls so heavy as they hit your ass.

"fuck.... ooh yes... you like that huh? you take my dick so... fucking good..."

and as ayato's balls slap your ass, he also will slap you on the cheek, not too hard tho, so then he can grab your neck and see you straight into your eyes as he keep fucking you. the room is full of wet noises and your moans, and his heavy breaths.

and ayato if feeling more horny than usual, lol, he will chain you to the bed, or put a collar with a chain to make you move. like i think ayato will be deep in you and you're too lost in it so he pulls the chain from the collar on your neck and smiles when you moan "don't take your eyes off me honey... watch me fuck you" and his abs look absolutely delicious when he thrust into you.

and if you are about to come, ayato will take it out and watch how you squirm and cry out for not cumming, frustrated bc you cant do nothing more than complain, with your hand chains keeping you in place "what? i wanted some fresh aire haha... youre melting me with that pussy of yours" and then put his heavy dick bewteen your folds, slaping a little just to hear how wet you are "hear that? your body is so honest with me... you're hole body is mine" and his cocky smile makes his dimple come out, ofc your pussy reacted to that fucking beautiful smile, so he laughs, he can be a little mean.

i think ayato do know how to make you squirt sometimes, like edging you a little, then fucking you dumb until your legs tremble in his sides, and while you cum ayato will take his dick out and slap it in your folds, and then pushing it in just where you like it over and over, and he loves to make you squirt on his dick, he thinks is so hot.

"oh fuck!... yeah... make that pussy cry... fuck yeah" and then slap your face to kiss you hungry as he keep fucking you.

oh and when ayato cums? he gets sloppy.

i think ayato can't control fully his body when he is about to cum, but one thing he always does, is taking it out and crawl on top of you while masturbating himself so he can cum in your face, and having ayato on top of you, with his dick tip on your lips, his face all messed up, his chest going up and down as he feels it coming, dear lord "open wide... be good for me honey... im close... oh fuck!" and he cums a lot, likes to see you swallow it "you did good, be grateful for making you feel good, yes?"

the aftercare is really cute with ayato, i think ayato will be exhausted after cuming maybe three times? or maybe two, so he will ask you to cuddle him, and he is the small spoon. likes to feel you touching his hair. makes him feel safe. after having a break, he will definetly get in the mood again, or if he bites you, ayato can get sleepy while doing it, but he keeps the need to fuck you more, maybe more calm and not so... him "cmon... wanna be inside you some more... be grateful, i'll make you cum just like before, what about doing it on my mouth huh? it sounds good is innit? haha"

── more of my content here!

[dyns33]

Flufftober 2024 - 28 Murderdock

When she was still a child, Y/N's parents gently scared her with stories of the Bogeyman, who would come and eat her if she was not good.

They talked about it when she behaved like a spoiled child, throwing a tantrum, but also on important evenings that excited her too much, like the start of school holidays, New Year's, or Halloween. It didn't really work.

Y/N didn't believe in these stories, which she found fascinating and funny, laughing while hiding under the sheets, which annoyed her parents a little, even if they found her adorable.

As she grew up, her carefree attitude never completely disappeared. Of course, she wasn't stupid, she was cautious when needed and didn't trust just anyone, but there were many things that didn't scare her, while others trembled.

Like Matthew Murdock for example.

When she was hired by his firm as an assistant, there was a rather strange atmosphere in the offices. On the one hand, some employees looked like soulless robots, who only thought about their cases or money. And on the other, there were those who seemed scared to death.

"And you ? What does he have against you ?" an accountant had asked her timidly during her lunch break.

"Against me ? I don't understand."

"Oh. You're… You're like them then. You seemed so nice."

"What ?"

"Listen, I'm sorry. Don't tell Murdock anything, I don't want any trouble, please. I have children."

Y/N still hadn't really understood what had happened that day, except for the fact that a lot of people were really afraid of Matthew Murdock.

Yet she had seen him and he wasn't that impressive. Of average height, blind, calm, the lawyer didn't seem capable of doing much harm. Physically anyway. Due to his work, he was probably very intelligent, he had contacts and must have information, but that didn't mean he was an evil genius who was going to use it to make others suffer.

The few times she saw him, he seemed normal, polite. Y/N always greeted him by asking him if he was having a good day or if he wanted a coffee. Even if he seemed a bit surprised, he smiled at her and thanked her. Sometimes, he asked her in return how she was.

"It's refreshing." he sighed once, as she handed him the tea he had asked her.

"Tea ? Yes, I like it a lot, it feels good."

"Haha. Sweet. No, I meant you. It's rare that someone is so relaxed with me. I can easily imagine why, but I appreciate it anyway."

Again, she didn't really understand what he meant. But she liked their short chats. He often told her that she was doing a good job, and he was the only relaxed person in the entire building.

Then, after listening to the rumors, reading some reports, attending complicated trials, Y/N began to think that maybe there was something wrong with Matthew Murdock. If everyone was afraid, there had to be a good reason.

He seemed disappointed the first time she passed by him without speaking to him. However, she had done her best to be discreet, so that he wouldn't know she was there.

"Hello dear Y/N." he said with a smile, making her jump, as he entered the elevator.

"Oh. Hello Mr. Murdock."

"It's been a few days since I've had the pleasure of speaking to you, I've missed you."

"I'm sorry." she stammered, leaning against the wall, as far away from him as possible. "I've had a lot of work, I…"

"No, don't do that. You started so well. There's no reason for you to be nervous, even now that you've figured out some essential things. You're doing well, I don't have any incriminating information against me, we can be friends."

"I… Friends, Mr. Murdock ?"

"Call me Matt." he purred, moving closer until she found herself stuck. "I've never really had any friends. Foggy only counts for half, we have common professional interests. And he doesn't really have the choice at this point. Let's go to dinner tonight."

Y/N wondered what she had done to deserve to fall prey to what looked a lot like a bogeyman. A bogeyman as scary as he was visibly lonely, and maybe if she were a good friend, he wouldn't eat her.

[asofspades]

Okay, I got myself a physical copy of The Sun and The Star because I will always prefer a physical book to a digital one and also I can annotate them to my heart's content.

I've tried to not dive too deep into the critics of this book, mainly to avoid spoilers, but also to avoid entering this read with preformed ideas on why it's supposedly a bad book.

Now, I feel like I have to talk about why people may think this is a bad book, I've seen that one of the main critics is Nico and Will's relationship and, having read TOA, I have to say I have a feeling this is a mix of internalised queer phobia and preconceived ideas of what gay romances should be like (mainly, people want a plain straight romance but in a gay format).

Listen, I started TOA thinking that maybe Rick had completely erased Nico and Will's personalities and just made them GAY™ (ykwim). But what I saw instead was two characters who do happen to be traumatised teens in a world that keeps on traumatising them who so happen to be queer and be in a blossoming relationship.

Some of the critics are people saying Will is too controlling about Nico using his powers, but let's all just use our critical thinking skills for a hot minute and realise that the last time something big happened Will found Nico on the brink of death after Shadow travelling well past his limits, killing a guy after unleashing even more power he didn't have the energy for and fading into the Shadows. And let's also take into account that Will (a 14 y.o at that point) is the head medic of camp, so every injured camper is his responsibility and he's also the head counselor of his cabin, a position he acquired because every older Apollo kid died in the battle of Manhattan/labyrinth when he was 13. So we have a kid with way too much responsibility on his shoulders, who lost all of his older siblings at 13 and had to assume more responsibility who's seen his then crush now bf on the brink of death due to overusing his powers. Also, he literally let's Nico use his powers in Tower of Nero and they have contingencies for Nico passing out after shadow travelling, which probably means they actually communicated. I don't really see what's controlling about any of that, especially if you take into account that Nico has been borderline suicidal (because that kid will give up his life in an instant if it means helping the people who need it) and he, historically, has had basically 0 regard for his own wellbeing, something they basically show us he's working on.

Also, some points that I've seen discussed about their relationship are similar at some points to Percabeth's early years of relationship and I've seen no one criticising them for Percabeth, which is what makes me think some people just think queer relationships have to be sunshine and rainbows or be toxic, as if a couple, particularly of young teens with a buttload of abandonment and self worth issues, won't have arguments or ever disagree about anything.

This last point I'm bringing up is just purely speculation, but I've seen people complaining about the fact that Rick wrote this with another writer, as he said it was to make the gay aspect of the characters more accurate from someone who's queer. And I do feel that that decision might have derived from the heavy (and for me kind of undeserved) criticism of Solangelo's relationship dynamic in TOA. Also, some people might have been expecting a regular romance, and some people might have been expecting something purely action packed or something more similar to Percabeth's Tartarus section in HOO, which to that last one I have to say that comparing two people in a longer relationship who have interacted more often and have gone through basically all of their trauma since they were 12 together with another couple that's just starting out and made out of a kid who has too many responsibilities on his shoulders regarding the lives of people and a kid with a huge fear of abandonment and a history of being an outcast and not really liked due to his parentage and his powers as a whole (the boy owns it most of the time but we can't keep denying his self-worth issues just because he's a badass), plus one of them literally went through Tartarus alone before and had a very traumatic experience during and afterwards and the other literally needs sunlight to live, I feel like that would generate some conflicts.

That's all I wanted to say so far, do prepare for another rant once I'm done with TSATS, and probably another one where I do a more in depth analysis of Will and Nico's trauma throughout all of the Percy Jackson sagas and tell you how it shapes the beginning of their relationship.

[nuri148]

My Take on Levi's Age

I originally wrote this as a rb addition to another post. I've been meaning to make it a stand alone post since then, and with all the talk about Levi's age since the publication of bad boy, here it is, finally.

If you ask me, Levi could not have been more that 4-5 years old at the time Kenny found him around 829.

Why?

He's severely malnourished, probably spent several days cloistered in the room with Kuchel with nothing to eat. So my guess is that, though he was old enough to speak and understand Kuchel was dead (even if he could not quite grasp the bigger concept of Death), he was too young to go out and procure himself and his mum some food, be it by stealing or begging. And for that, he's need to be very young.

I lived in Greater Buenos Aires more than half of my life (the infamous "conurbano"), and I've seen lots of very small kids, 4-5 years old, begging like pros for either change or food. It's unfortunately very common in impoverished areas. And I wasn't even in the bad ones. So, in that aspect, the Underground wouldn't be different from our villas or Brazil's favelas.

Kuchel was a prostitute. She wouldn't want Levi to witness her at work. It is fair to think that as soon as he was old enough to cross the street she'd let him roam and go play with other kids while mummy's busy. There, he'd quickly learn how to come by a piece of moldy bread to stave hunger.

So in order to just sit starving by his mother instead of going out looking for help, Levi must have been young enough that his mum could still keep him under wraps; too young to know his way about the Underground's streets, too much of a rookie in terms of using his charm or his cunning to get a bit of food.

Uri Reiss inherited the Founding Titan in 829. BUT, nowhere does it say that Kenny's encounter with Uri happens right after the latter became a titan. So Kenny might have joined Uri up to a couple of years after 829 (not many, as Rod Reiss still looks young in that flashback).

So Kenny finds Levi between 829 and 831; And Levi is 4-5 then, meaning he was born, at earliest, in 823 (considering his b-day is only one week before the year's end, that'd make him 5 in for most of 829) and latest in 825 (same if Kenny found him in 831). That makes him 10-12 years older than Eren and company. , ~20 when he joins the SC, ~26 during seasons 1-3, ~30 after the time skip, and ~33 in the epilogue.

"But Yams said he was thirty-somethiiiing!"

TLDR: I wouldn't consider canon some spur-of-the-moment answer given by Yams in a panel where he's probably tired, nervous, and doesn't have his timeline handy.

Allow me to speak here as a writer: the whims of your imagination often don't align with the logic of what needs to go on the page. So it is perfectly possible to imagine your character in a way that is inconsistent with your timeline. You see them with short hair and summer clothes fixing lunch in their sunny kitchen in a scene and, when they move to the dining room you see them with hair 4 inches longer and serving supper as a snowstorm rages outside. When you write it, you're going to have to pick up one, and go back to your notes often for continuity after, bc your brain keeps forever placing the kitchen in sunny summer and the living room in a winter night. Oh, and they're both simultaneously on the ground and the second floor. Escher pictures make more sense.

The story of AoT spans many years, so we don't know which year Levi is the default Levi in Yams' brain. It could even be the Levi from the time skip, or from a future after the last chapter that only exists in his imagination. Also, Yams has bungled up numbers before so, personally, I don't trust him much in that department.

In any case, Math is a hard science, so if Kenny found Levi with 4-5 years in 829, he can't be 30+ in 850. 5+21=26. No matter what Yams says.

Additional notes:

The original post. With additions. I recommend reading the quoted twitter thread.

Another, recent twitter thread on Levi's age

A lengthy post by an actual psychologist providing scientific foundation for Levi's age when Kenny finds him.

I saw yet another post on Levi's age recently, but I can't find the link rn and I have to make lunch. if/when I find it, I'll add it (and others I may come across)

[shinewerst]

Here I will leave some of my thoughts, guesses and headcanons. Some of them may be stupid and unreasonable, but I will share them with you anyway.

I've noticed that a lot of people headcanon Earth and Moon or Earth and Venus as siblings. And I partially agree with this. But here are my thoughts on this matter: They are celestial bodies and they do not have siblings in the usual sense, but since they live for a very long time, over billions of years of being close to each other, they can develop family feelings for each other. But only if they are always close. Therefore, most often this occurs between a planet and its moons or between several moons of one planet. This is unlikely to happen between planets, since each of them is in its own orbit, perhaps double planets are an exception. Therefore, I headcanon the Moon and Earth as brothers, Phobos and Deimos too, and Mars as their guardian. (Earth and Venus may be somehow connected, but not family) It's more difficult with gas giants. I believe that when their moons are too numerous and constantly increasing in number, they stop keeping track of them and treat them more like decorations. But Idk.

In the Solar System, having life is supposedly cool and the Earth is proud of it, Venus dreams of it, etc. but it seems to me that in other systems the attitude towards this may be different. For example, I have an oc exoplanet and in her home system this was not considered something cool. They literally treated it like lice lol.

Planets/stars/satellites do not speak any of the earth’s languages, but their own. But different systems have something like their own accents and dialects. So my oc speaks a little differently from them.

In different parts of the universe, the appearance of the planets changes and what the planets will look like usually depends on the star (I'm talking specifically about planethumans).

For the planet/star and satellites, love is something deeper than for earthlings. This is very strong, sensual.

I also noticed how in many fanfictions characters call Proto-Earth that way. But it seems to me that the term “Proto-Earth” itself appeared after his death, namely the collision with Theia and the appearance of the “new Earth”. Before that, everyone simply called him Earth.

Each of them has its own axis tilt, right? They don't really follow it, especially in the planethumans format, so I made a headcanon about them sleeping on their slants. So, Venus sleeps upside down, huh?

The Earth speaks all earthly languages and knows the stages of evolution of almost every creature on his surface, although sometimes he himself may be confused about this. His past memories are slowly fading. He does not remember how he and the Moon appeared, he does not remember that there could have been life on Venus before. I imagine him periodically reading a book about dinosaurs because he doesn't want to forget about them.

I like to think that Mars used to be a bad-tempered asshole, but Earth doesn't remember that. Mars himself does not want to remember this at all, since he has already grown out of it.

Probably the Earth became the way we see him because of humans. Perhaps he was different before. I imagine him as a sweet and kind planet who does his best to care for his friends and his little brother. But when he changed, Luna continued to love him like a brother and care for him in return.

Earth usually tells others only the good side of earthlings, but usually he complains to the Moon about how much he is hurt, about how they are starting another war and doing other terrible things. Therefore, the Moon is much more tolerant of the Earth; he must be the only one who knows how hard it is for him.

Venus is jealous of the Earth and everyone has already understood this. I like to think that Venus, after losing life on its surface, feels the need to protect Earth and its inhabitants.

Luna is aroace. Just because for some reason it seems to me that dating someone just doesn’t suit him.

That's all for now. Maybe I'll create a second part cause I might have forgotten something :p

[rosekeu]

[ loner : chainsaw man ]

01 ✭ a sorrowful life.

A/N: long story. chainsaw x reader. mainly aki hayakawa x reader.

Sypnosis: Longing glances and subtle smiles filled the air as they exchanged unspoken words. The electricity between them was palpable, igniting a fire within their souls. But that was always what it was. Now that they are working side by side, maybe their bond will bloom into something more than just unspoken desires.

[part 2 coming soon!]

"Makima-san asked for you today. Over the next few days, you'll be working with her," your master, Kishibe, said as he searched the kitchen cabinets for liquor. You glanced at your pink wristwatch, which read 5 a.m. Even though it wasn't sunny outside, he was still drinking, which wasn't unusual behavior.

You were listening to him speak while seated at the dinner table with your hands on your lap. You were presented with a delicious breakfast and some juice. Your stomach began to churn as you pricked and prodded at your meal in response to his words. You were going to work with Makima. She creeped you out a bit, it was probably those boring yellow eyes.

 "Stay alert, I don't know what she wants with you." Your master's words caused your train of thought to halt.

"This is all going to a shitfilled toilet!" A recognizable voice laughed next to you. It was too early for you to be bothered by him. "Yumeri, it's too early," you whispered.

Kishibe was given the special case of a young girl living in an orphanage. She was moved between a number of homes, but each time death followed closely behind, prompting the public safety commission to be contacted for help. You are the little girl. Kishibe adopted you years ago as part of his work. You were an enigma.

You were human, but immortal in a sense. Throughout the years of investigation into your case, the public safety commission concluded that you had made a deal with a devil as a young child, as a way of merging with the devil. You were a curious and naive child, so this was very much possible. 

Kishibe was aware of any self-talk you engaged in, including actual conversations with the wall. As the years passed and you learned more about your deal with the devil, you saw things that others couldn't. With the devil of sleep paralysis, you struck a deal. It had been so long since the deal had been made that you could not recall the precise conditions or rules. And there he is, the sleep paralysis devil, like a conceited child, trying to get your attention.

"How many days again, master?" You asked softly as you drank your juice not long afterwards. "A few." Kishibe was a man of very few words , but his eyes spoke volumes. At least in your eyes, they did. You could see the weariness and exhaustion in his gaze, a reflection of the years he had spent devil hunting. His eyes were filled with a mixture of determination and resignation, as if he had accepted his fate but still carried the weight of his responsibilities.

"Imagine you stay there forever! HAHA! That bitch is going to rip you into shreds!"

He repeated this as he took a sip of his flask and put on his long trench coat. "Hurry and finish up, kid. It's going to be a long day for both of us." The quiet morning atmosphere was your favorite; the soft chirps of the birds out the window and the cool sensation it gave your body were so satiating.

"I'm leaving. You're clearly ignoring me." Yumeri pouted and left you alone. "Leave then." you answered, and Kishibe looked at you with a raised brow. You met his eyes and sighed, "Yumeri is annoying me again, sorry."

"Don't apologize, and c'mon."

You hummed as you quickly stood up from your chair and snatched up your coat while still wearing a loose, undone tie around your neck. You stood in front of the taller man and had begging eyes. Because you didn't know how to tie your own tie, you did this every morning. He made a small 'tsk' and reluctantly started doing your tie. Although his annoyed expression was obvious, you knew deep down that he looked forward to doing this for you. As he carefully adjusted the knot, you couldn't help but feel a sense of comfort in this daily ritual. It was a small act of kindness that reminded you of the strong bond between you two, even if he pretended to be annoyed by it. "Thank you." He only hummed in response.

"Alright, let's go."

You both hopped into the car and started driving to the designated destination. You looked over at the dirty blonde and reached over to brush his hair. It was getting a bit too long. Someone who really doesn't care about his appearance, like Kishibe, doesn't cut his hair unless he's told to. "I think you're due for a haircut," you said to him as your nails scratched his scalp. 

He chuckled and leaned into your touch. "Yeah, I guess it's about time," he replied with the tiniest smile. As you continued driving, the anticipation grew for what awaited you both at the destination. 

Your stop had come way sooner than you'd expected. As Kishibe parked the car and looked at you, he took a deep breath. "Well, this is it." he said, glancing at you. and as you looked through the tinted car windows, you could see three people. The most noticeable of the three was Makima, with her bright red-pink hair. And two other random public safety men beside her.

"Good luck, kid," he said, and you leaned over to kiss his cheek as a farewell. "See you at home." You sent a warm smile his way as you slammed the car door shut. His mood seemed to sour as he drove away. Although Kishibe wouldn't admit it to anyone in a million years. He did care about you.

Your black heeled boots clicked firmly against the concrete as you made your way over to your team. "Makima-san," you said, bowing your head a bit. "Good morning!" you said happily. She tilted her head slightly and smiled at you. "Good morning, y/n-chan." 

"So, what are we doing today?" You questioned, as you trailed behind Makima, making your way over to another car. Both of you sat in the back seats. "We're supposed to investigate a warehouse with the zombie devil."

You nodded and looked up at the gray sky. The sun should be shining in a few hours, but it was so early in the morning that the darkness lingered. You couldn't help but feel a mixture of excitement and dread as you thought about the upcoming task.

The calming atmosphere of the car provided a brief respite from your racing thoughts. As you gazed out the window, you couldn't help but wonder what kind of horrors awaited you inside the warehouse. Your anxiety grew with each passing moment.

Time passed quickly, and you were at the warehouse. Standing at the entrance, you could see hundreds of dead bodies laying around a shady figure— a young man with something coming out of his head.

"Got a live one." one of your coworkers said. You squinted your eyes to get a better look. "A chainsaw..." you admired. The boy had a chainsaw as a head and chainsaws as his arms too. It was a gruesome sight, and you couldn't help but feel a mix of fear and fascination. "Yumeri, what is he?"

"I'm not telling you because you ignored me this morning. Hmph!" You rolled your eyes at his childish antics.

 "Let's go, Y/n-chan." Makima said, and you followed her. The strange figure approaching you was drenched in blood and appeared to be your age. He appeared fatigued, as if he hadn't eaten in days. and a small string hung on his chest.

Makima hummed. "You've got a peculiar smell. It isn't human or devil." She tilted her head. 

"Did you do this?" you asked as you walked around the scene, looking at all the dead bodies scattered around the building. The boy stood frozen; he had no reply to your question, but before his body fell, he muttered, "H-hold.. me..."

Makima quickly wrapped his arms around him, and you watched the scene with raised brows. as she did, but you didn't judge; you would've done the same. The chainsaw started to melt, showing a face. a blonde boy with hazel eyes. You smiled as you found him sort of adorable.

"You're human…" Makima mumbled, the guy still in her arms. A coworker asked about devil possession, and she replied with no signs. "I'm Makima. We came here to kill the zombie devil. I'm a public safety devil hunter. You have two choices." Makima held up a peace sign. "One, be killed by me, as a devil. Or two, be kept by me as a pet."

"If you're my pet, I'll give you food." You grimaced at her words, you couldn't help but wonder if you ended up with Makima, you would be treated like this too. Like a plaything. That sounded like such a sorrowful life.

"Food..?" The boy murmured in confusion. "What would I get for breakfast?" he asked. You felt bad for him, as he seemed genuinely unaware of the situation. It was clear that he had no idea what being kept as a pet by Makima entailed, and you couldn't help but sympathize with his innocence. 

"Let's see... bread with butter and jam. Salad, coffee... maybe dessert? What else, Y/n-chan?" You looked over and held your face in thought. "I would say eggs and toast... Oh! and orange juice make a perfect breakfast!" You chimed in, the blond boy's eyes making their way over to you. 

He smiled. "That's a dream come true..."

☾ .ೃ࿐

Driving back to the public safety commission, you, the unknown teen, and Makima sat in the backseat. The boy held his stomach as it grumbled. You looked over, a giggle escaping your lips. He looked over at you in awe, as if he'd seen a goddess. 

"That's my stomach.." the blonde said sheepishly as he looked at Makima with embarrassment. You couldn't help but chuckle at his reaction, finding it endearing. "Well, it sounds like someone is in need of a good meal. What's your name? I'm Y/n." you teased playfully, causing him to blush.

"It's Denji!" he exclaimed, showing his sharky teeth. "Denji-kun..." You tested the name on your tongue, and his smile grew wider.

"Cute name for a cute boy!" you bopped his nose. He stood there with the biggest smile.

"Denji." Makima said, grabbing the boy's attention. "From now on, you're in my care." She continued seriously, looking out the window. "I expect "yes" or "woof" for answers. I don't need a dog that says "no". " She finished training her eyes on the blonde. His eyes widened in surprise, a bead of sweat dripping down his forehead.

"When you say that..." he paused, his voice trembling slightly. You looked away in embarrassment.

"Is she really asking this kid to be her dog? Nahhh. That's batshit insane. She's crazy as hell." You snorted to yourself. 

"Someone in forensics once told me..." she paused, the corners of her mouth quirking upwards. "When we get dogs that aren't helpful, we put them down." she finished once again, moving her gaze towards the window. Denji's face fell. The room fell into an uncomfortable silence as Denji processed her words. His eyes darted toward you. but you didn't meet his eyes.

'I thought she was nice. I had no idea she was scary like this. treating me like a damn dog...' Denji thought as his hands tightened into fists. You noticed and planted your palm on his tensed fist. Your eyes met, and you mouthed. 'It's gonna be okay.' You tried to reassure him that everything would work out. Denji's tense expression softened slightly as he nodded.

His stomach growled once more.

"We haven't had breakfast either. Let's grab some food at a rest stop." Makima suggested it, and you nodded.

"Sorry, uh, I'm broke..." he said nonchalantly. "Pick anything you want, I'll pay." The boy's eyes lit up, and he looked at Makima, surprised. "Really?!" 

Makima nodded

"You'll draw attention to yourself, put this on." You said, as you held out your coat to the blonde boy. He took it hesitatingly. As he slipped on the coat, a grateful smile spread across his face. "Thank you," he said softly, his voice filled with genuine appreciation.

"No problem." You smiled warmly at him, and he couldn't help but blush. 

'People always call me dirty and smelly. Nobody ever comes near me. This is the first time I've been treated nice. And by two pretty girls!' The boy thought to himself as his eyes switched between Makima and you.

'I'm in love! But with which one?' He had an internal conflict with himself, unable to choose between you and your red-haired boss. As the boy struggled with his feelings, he couldn't deny how nice both of you had been to him. But Makima seemed to creep him out just a bit.

As the vehicle came to a stop, all of you walked toward the rest shop. You looked at the menu with a thoughtful expression and said, "I think I'm going to get a soba, please." You said this to the worker as they wrote down your order.

"I'll take some udon... Udon and... a sausage! Is that cool?" He asked, looking for Makima's approval. Denji seemed to cling onto your side, his pointer and thumb finger kept a tight grip on your white button-up.

"Sure is. I'll take a curry udon, please."

"Oh, that sounds good, too..." Denji noted, still admiring all the items the menu had to offer. You chuckled at his enthusiasm and said, "You can always try something new next time we eat together." Denji's eyes lit up at the idea, and he eagerly nodded in agreement. 

Denji's eyes started to haze with dizziness, and his body landed on Makima's chest. You laughed at the sudden turn of events, realizing that Denji had fallen right then and there. Makima asked if he was okay, to which he responded with a mumble, "You smell good..."

You laughed, and he stood up, apologizing. "The chainsaws cut me up too. So I think I'm a little low on blood right now."

"How did you end up like this?" 

"I had a pet devil, and he replaced my heart. Kinda hard to believe, huh?" Denji explained, as his face hung low as he recalled his memories. 'So a fiend of some sort...' you wondered, but Yumeri was quick to prove you wrong.

"Incorrect! He's not a fiend! Think about it as you and me... in a way? He is now the devil, and the devil is him."  Yumeri said, and you furrowed your brows, confused at his words.

'You still haven't told me the conditions of our deal, Yume.'

"I don't need to! Okay! Bye!" 

You groaned in frustration, your devil was a real piece of work. But what did he mean? Was Denji like the both of you? As your thoughts raced, Denji fainted, and by the time he woke up, you had already finished your food. 

The scene in front of you was something else. Makima was feeding Denji, and he barked as a response. You couldn't help but chuckle at the absurdity of the situation. 

'What the actual fuck is going on.'

let me know if you want to be tagged for the next part!

[callsign-rogueone]

hey cutie! i hope you're doing well! i saw your liam post a while back and bc i seemed to love him and so does literally everybody else, i was wondering (bc im writing a book) what makes him so likeable to people? like why did we all fall in love with him immediately and then die of devastation when he was killed?

hihi!! Liam deserves multiple essays on how amazing he is, but here's some thoughts that I can def expand on later if you'd like, not edited at all (also if I missed anything, feel free to add in comments / reblogs!!)

he has a tragic backstory and he's from a group that you're "not supposed to like". Xaden drags Vi into the marked group, but Liam's the one who truly brings her around on the issue and builds sympathy? empathy? whichever one. for Vi and the reader -- we find out his parents were killed, he was separated from his little sister, both of them are forced to be riders and serve a country that has done terrible things to them and their family...

he has a sweet old man hobby. he WHITTLES. that is senior citizen behavior. I know the hobbies a person can have in this world are a bit limited since their tech isn't like ours but still. he's 20 years old and he whittles for fun. what a dweeb. (I say this affectionately. you all know I will defend this man with my life. and he's very good at it and it makes him happy 🥺)

his whole relationship with Xaden. Liam is this perfect (literally) little puppy soldier that does absolutely everything Xaden asks of him because he quite literally owes Xaden his life (and Sloane's.) that level of dedication is rare. and that he clearly looks up to Xaden (and I HC that he wants to make him proud...)

adding on to that... him protecting Violet without (visible) pushback. he's agreeable to protecting the daughter of the woman who killed his parents and aunts/uncles/family friends etc., most obviously because Xaden asked him to, but I also think he was able to separate the mother and daughter like Garrick did too. he knows Vi isn't at fault for his problems.

he's smiley / laughing / a good time. he's the foil to Xaden in many ways (brothers who look nothing alike, most obviously) but he shows us that not all the marked ones are angry and gloomy all the time. he gets in on second squad's banter, makes jokes of his own...

he's very observant and emotionally intelligent. he knows what's going on b/n Vi and Xaden, and I highly doubt that's because him and Xaden are having slumber parties with Bodhi and Garrick to talk about their crushes (I have to write that now, don't I... the girlfriends having a "girls night" and the boys not knowing what to do with themselves. so they have their own girls night...) he just picks up on all the little things and he knows when Vi is and isn't okay, despite having known her for like... a max of 6 months?

literally mister perfect. he's the quadrant's golden boy. he was forced to be here, but he's top of the class, jogged across the parapet, best time on the gauntlet, dusted everyone. never lost a challenge. I know Deigh is so dang proud of his boy. probably brags to the other dragons about his perfect son <3

Sloane. he's worried about her for next year, he's writing her letters weekly even though he can't send them, and by the time he CAN send them, she'll be in the quadrant herself... yeah, good thing he wrote them in advance... [crickets] anyway, he's a cutie big brother like Brennan, wanting to protect lil sis, and it's clear he loves her so so much <3 (another headcanon of mine that she absolutely adored him and he was forced into all the tea parties and dolls stuff but he did it with a smile. need girl dad Liam so bad.)

and then the circumstances of his death. he died following Xaden's orders (prime directive: keep Violet safe) and while it's been eight months since I last read that scene and I refuse to read it again any time soon, I think he definitely knew that he was putting himself in immediate danger to save her, and he still did it anyway.

that's all I got for now but I am absolutely positive that there's more. good luck with the book!! I did some work on my own today on the flight, inspiration struck after leaving it to sit there for months lol

[littlestkoi-n]

a much too whiny rant about fic icks

I die a little every time pup, cub or Prongslet comes up in a wolfstar raising Harry (together or separately) fic. especially cub - it makes literally no sense????? are you sure it's Remus John Lupin I'm reading about??? it's his evil doppelganger, I'm telling you. I'm not even sure I could stomach that word ironically.

Prongslet is fine in moderation, I guess, but only as an inside joke, only coming from Sirius and only when Harry's a smol bean. but when it's Prisoner of Azkaban compliant I wanna claw my eyes out.

it's even worse when those terms are used not just in dialogue but in Remus or Sirius' internal monologue as if pup and cub are Harry's freaking pronouns or something. my cub, my pup, cub did this, pup did that... just call him boy or kid or his name for god's sake. I once saw sprog pop up and was delighted cuz at least it's actually british slang.

and don't get me started on Hadrian(us) James Orion Potter-Black (which is just... why the fuck would James give his son the name of his best mate's horrible father AND the last name of his horrible family?? and why would Lily agree to that?) who's simultaneously Lord Potter, Black, Peverell and Slytherin (and, sure, I have a visceral reaction to aristocracy wank in general but even ignoring that - the last 3 literally make no sense since "Lord Black" is Sirius until his death; and both Peverell and Slytherin lines bled into other families ages ago. so being a Potter automatically means you're descended from Peverells as well as being a Gaunt - from Slytherin. and the last of those is Tom Riddle Jr. but that wouldn't make any Potters "Lord Peverell"s or any Gaunts/Riddle "Lord Slytherin"s. those last names are dead. smh).

but, uh, this tangent technically has nothing to do with my initial complaints, it's just that at some point I started thinking of this naming stuff in tandem with nonsensical nicknames as they began appearing in fics together. which is a double homicide, truly.

and look, I definitely understand the desire to make Harry's original name something else cuz it fits nicely with POC Potters headcanon and Dursleys being racist dicks about it, but... Hadrian? I mean, it's not really a big deal when the fic mentions it being his full name but both narration and characters still refer to him as Harry for short - that makes total sense. however when after the name reveal Hadrian replaces Harry completely, it feels super weird and uncanny, making it hard to identify Harry's character in the story altogether.

although I guess you should all knock me off my high horse for being the biggest hypocrite ever, cuz I myself have a headcanon for Harry's name, even if it's less elaborate than Hadrian. also less Roman? that's another thing I don't get - if you want to create a better connection between Harry and his roots, why choose a name of a Roman emperor for a desi kid? since he's usually explicitly desi in all the Hadrian fics. so it's not that I have a problem with renaming him, per se, I just don't understand the choice of Hadrian.

for example, I recently read a fic where he was Pakistani and his name was originally Hami, which is a nice idea, actually, and makes sense for such headcanon. mine is Hari btw (हरि in Sanskrit), since I headcanon Potters as Indian, but I didn't come up with that name myself - just saw it somewhere a couple years ago and liked it. I think it's actually a pretty popular hc now? anyway, it's closer to Harry than any other name I've seen and has many beautiful meanings that resonate with what I think James and Lily felt towards their son. now, even though I still prefer his name being Harry regardless of ethnicity, I do entertain this silly headcanon from time to time - so yeah, I'm one to talk, boo me.

now, I probably should shut up since this rant has been entirely too negative already, but while I'm on the topic of icky names/nicknames I should circle back to wolfstar cuz gods know I'll never be brave enough to talk about this particular pet peeve in its own post.

Siri, Remu and Remy make my blood boil. Siri could be kinda cute when it's a silly childhood nickname from Regulus, but if any marauder or Lily calls Sirius that - immediate death. Si and Re are a teensy bit better in moderation and if used ironically, but still stab me in the chest. a couple times for good measure. the only somewhat acceptable short form of any of their two names for me is Rem, albeit with a stretch and only because it's an actual version of the name Remus in Catalan and Russian. I know I'm being way too dramatic about this (just like with all of my previous points) but I just don't understand the need to shorten their names. at all. they're only 3 and 2 syllables long and so mystical on their own that any shortening just makes them simultaneously more nonsensical and less remarkable.

both characters literally have established quirky nicknames in canon that you can play with and even shorten to Pads and Moons if you want. Sirius is not a digital assistant and Remus is not the main character from Ratatouille. stop this madness.

plus James is right there. his name has a ridiculous amount of diminutives - Jamie, Jimmy, Jim, Jam, Jem, Jay and even Jimbo if you're into that. why strip Remus and Sirius' magical names of their charm if you can have fun with common names? but I digress.

at the end of the day, my pet peeves are mine only and I should live with them in fragile peace. this post is a personal rant first and foremost and if you disagree, I'm genuinely happy that you enjoy the things I can't. fandom is a playground and we can all find some fun in different corners. I'd also like to point out that I'm not trying to take a jab at fic writers who use any of the aforementioned terms, names or diminutives. I'm only one person, so if I stop reading your work because of my petty biases, it's only my loss and not your problem. hundreds of other fans will enjoy it instead. so keep doing what you love and writing those characters however you want, it's your right!

so yeah, writers and readers - don't take it personally and have your fun! don't listen to me being mean! I'm just making my fandom experience way too convoluted for my own good.

[bug-bites]

one of my fav things to read/write is a f!reader x Simon "Ghost" Riley, where the reader is almost exactly like ghost. I'm talking full black mask, (maybe legally dead) few words, silent, callsign generally spooky like Reaper or Phantom, and I was wondering if you would wanna do that?

Usually I have reader as a childhood friend or adopted sibling of Roach, which is why roach is so comfortable around ghost. He's just used to it. If it's pure fluff or platonic that's completely fine, and if you don't wanna do that it's also fine!! I just thought I might as well shoot my shot :)

Your an amazing writer, have an awesome day <3

seeing double

cw: canon-typical violence, breif (pun intended) mention of ghost having skeleton boxers (nothing like explicit though i dont even know if this needs to be mentioned tbh but better safe than sorry), ghost gets shot womp womp, angst w/ a happy ending, so many military inaccuracies, barely proofread :P

pairing: platonic!simon 'ghost' riley x f!reader, gary 'roach' sanderson & reader

characters: simon 'ghost' riley, gary 'roach' sanderson (price, gaz and soap mentioned v briefly!)

authors note: omg you are so sweet thank you so much!! sorry this took so long i've been so busy with things, i hope you don't mind that i got a bit silly with this one and basically wrote a fic in jot notes 😭 (ALSO ROACH MENTION!! I LOVE MY BBYG THANK YOU ANON <3)

when you first met ghost he genuinely thought this was a joke. the balaclava, the whole death motif, your callsign being phantom which is literally synonymous with ghost, even your attitude was so eerily similar to him. it was like looking in a mirror

it didn't help when he tilted his head you mirrored your actions

i think he wouldn't gravitate immediately to you, it's not that he didn't like you he just felt a bit odd with how similar you two were, in all honesty he was probably slightly unnerved by you

soap and gaz definitely crack jokes about you being the second coming of ghost or something dumb like that

whenever anyone is referring to you and ghost and phantom it was always "the ghosts" or "ghost and girl ghost" which pissed you OFF

roach cant count all the times you have ranted to him about how everyone treats ghost like he came up with your whole aesthetic and you copied him when you have been doing this for YEARS before you even met ghost!

"and everyone acts like he invented skeletons and being legally dead! how self centered do you have to be to act like you invented skeleton iconography?! THEYRE SKELETONS. THATS LIKE BASIC HUMAN ANATOMY. and its always men taking the credit- god its so stupid! i did shit this first and how do i know that he isn't copying me huh?? did we ever think of that?? and ghost is such a basic ass fucking name like really. ghost? bet the only reason he wears that mask is to cover up his casper sized forehead."

roach knows that you're annoyed and you probably aren't trying to be super mean- maybe you don't even think ghosts forehead is casper sized! but hey, he isn't trying to argue while you look like you're about to rip someone's head off

instead he opts for calmly signing words of comfort lest you tear ghosts head off (with a few minor corrections)

"yes roach i know phantoms are pretty much the same as ghosts but that's not the point. you're basically my brother. you have to be on my side. that's how it works."

its good you and roach get along with each other. however, since you are just so similar with someone whos name starts with s and ends with imon "ghost" riley he becomes friends with roach quite easily and rants to him too

"she thinks shes so fookin crea'ive but you know wha? she isnt. bet ive been in SAS longer than her. wheres 'er skull tattoo at?? cause i got a whole sleeve done almost a decade ago! she isnt the first to come up wi' this. see, i get youre friends wi' 'er but truth is she di'nt come up wi' all o' this 'erself and she isn't half as dedicated as me. i even got skeleton boxers! she got those??- wait no dont answer tha' i dont wan' tha' image in my head."

for the first month or two whenever you see each other its clear you two do not get along.

roach tried to crack a joke but if anything it just made you hate ghost more

"hey, phantom. what's got two legs and bleeds?" "half a dog." you and ghost respond in unison

the rest of the day you dont even acknowledge each other. price makes a joke about how "you both are acting like you killed someone" which you mutter a small "oh im going to that's for sure" under your breath

safe to say you had a long rant to roach about how now not only is he stealing your whole persona, he's taking your jokes now too

you think roach would be torn between choosing sides but no this man loves every second of it. its so petty- so stupid he just needs to see how long you two idiots will keep butting heads

you mention how you were planning on getting a red mask? he's going up to ghost being like "hey, ghost did i ever tell you red is totally your colour? you know what actually? you should get a red mask!"

you both walk into the next briefing with your new masks and you couldn't be more pissed

to make matters worse you both are teamed up for the next mission. something about stopping a major arms dealer but ghost is the one getting his hands dirty. all you need to do is get into security, guide him through the complex enough for him to grab intel and leave

its simple. you've done it a billion times before, same with ghost. the first half goes fine. you both get in, he grabs the intel and is ready to head out, both of you speaking only when necessary.

minor issue- actually major issue, getting out wasn't as smooth. somehow ghost ended up shot right as he's notifying you that he's almost out. you hear the gunshot ring out, a grunt and scuffling.

"phantom to ghost. how copy."

your voice rings out, an eerie silence following after

"ghost. how copy."

you repeat again, this time earning a response

"m' alive. shot in the leg. bullet went clean through, makin a torniquet as we speak" he grunts back. you have never been happier to hear his stupid manchester accent "keep it that way."

if past you knew those four words directed at ghost would come out of your mouth, you're pretty sure you would've stolen a tank and driven it off a cliff immediately with ghost in it too probably

but now is not the time hotwiring a tank and locating a cliff would take too long anyways, you guide him out, occasionally telling him some stupid fun fact to make sure he's still there or just to keep him alert

"did you know that jellyfish have one hole for their mouth and asshole?" "these get more concerning the more you tell me." "most koalas have chlamydia." "alrigh', 'nuff of that. fun facts are s'pposed to be fun, you know that right?" "learning is fun."

this earns a chuckle from him which he quickly covers up with a cough

he makes it out alive, busted up that's for sure but alive nonetheless

you hook his arm over your shoulder, talking about everything and anything to keep him conscious. he's going to listen anyways so might as well make the most of it

"you're not as bad as i thought you'd be, 'specially for a copy cat." he says after you tell him yet another bizarre animal fact "i got a red mask first by the way" "piss off. this is why i don't compliment you" he rolls his eyes, for once not out of annoyance "i wear it better anyways." "sure, sure. believe what you want, but just know that i'm the cooler one." "you also are shit at making tourniquets" "so you finally admit that i'm cooler." no amount of eyerolling or snappy comebacks can hide your grin at this point. you silently thank your past self for choosing to wear a mask all the time "you're quite bold for someone who got shot in the leg"

once you two get back, practically everyone is surprised how all the deadly glares and colorful insults muttered under heavy sighs between you two have now been replaced with playful banter and empty threats with no murderous intent behind them

price heard you laughing with ghost followed up with you telling ghost "they will never find your body" which did scare the shit out of him but it made ghost laugh so hard he nearly pissed himself

price made sure to check that ghost was in fact alive for the next few days, just to make sure you were joking

when asked about it both of you just shrug and reply "trauma bonding."

roach, although disappointed with the absence of drama is glad to see two of the most special people in his life getting along bros just sad he cant be an instigator anymore

and as soon as ghost comes back from leave, he's got double the scary dog privileges he originally had

[panlight]

Reading the chapter Carlisle in twilight again (one of my fave chapters), and Edward is talking about how Carlisle toyed with the idea of creating a companion since he never ended up finding one, hence why he later changed Edward. But it got me thinking, if Esme was already a vampire and Carlisle ran into her and became companions/lovers/soulmates, would he bother to change Edward, Rosalie, and thus Emmett?

Edward was basically created to fill a void in Carlisle’s existence, but if Esme came along first (as a sick human and then turned by Carlisle, or already as a vampire), I think Carlisle would be satisfied. I could see it being just the two of them. Though, I think Esme would still long for others to care for to fill the mother-child void.

Would Alice/Jasper still join them? Would it be just the four of them? Would Edward/R/Em still happen?

It’s an interesting thought.

I think this is a big part of why SM changed the story of how Carlisle and the Denali sisters met, too. Originally she had said he met them 'early on' when they were 'just starting to look into this vegetarian thing.' Which meant that Carlisle was still a young, single vampire, and he met up with a coven of three other vampires who were totally open to this vegetarian idea . . . and he didn't stay with them? I think SM realized that he probably would have just formed some kind of a family with them (either as their adopted 'brother' or as the mate of one of them), and never have gone on to create Edward, Esme and the rest, so she changed it so that they only met many years later after Carlisle already had a family of his own.

I think if Carlisle ran into a vampire Esme he probably wouldn't have created the others, assuming Esme was either already a vegetarian or was like Eleazar/Carmen and uneasy with killing and welcomed Carlisle's lifestyle as an alternative to that. If Esme were just like a typical vampire with no interest in going veggie I don't know that it would have worked out (I don't really believe that vampire 'mates' are fated in the same way that imprinting is; YMMV). I think given Esme's personality, though, it wouldn't be a problem.

I think the question is whether Elizabeth Masen still makes the plea. I know we love to joke about "lol dying person! Carlisle's got a new family member!'" But with all the deaths he's seen as a doctor, it's only been four times: once because a dying mother literally begged him to do 'what others cannot do' to save her son; once because this woman in the morgue wasn't actually dead yet and oh hey I know her!; once because he came across a girl who had been attacked and left for dead in the street (this one didn't even happen at work); and the fourth because the aforementioned dying girl brought him a dying dude she found in the forest and begged him to do it (also not at work). He's not actually changing dying people very often.

So even if he had Esme first, Elizabeth Masen's plea still might have moved him. He wouldn't have been in the depths of his loneliness, but he would have had the (presumed) success of Esme, either as a vampire he created or one he met who agreed to be vegetarian. I could go either way. But of course there's the butterfly effect: if he had met 22 year old Esme in 1917 and got together then, he might not have been in Chicago to meet Elizabeth and Edward Masen in 1918.

I could definitely see a world where it's just Carlisle and Esme until Alice and Jasper show up on their doorstep.

But I could also see a world where Carlisle himself was satisfied with his one ideal companion, but Esme, with her power of love and frustrated maternal longing, wanted a 'family' and maybe in that scenario something like Edward or Rosalie (if not them exactly) might still happen. Maybe Esme is even the one doing the 'saving,' or at least bringing the dying teenagers to Carlisle like Rosalie did with Emmett.

[dr-futbol-blog]

Duet, Pt. 5

Next, we finally meet Katie Brown. Having been forced to vacate the hangar lab with his own damn staff, McKay would really rather be alone but alas, Cadman is there talking his ear (brain) off. While we know that McKay left the hangar with the wraith dart, we don't actually know where he was going, or if he even had a destination in mind. It's possible he was heading straight to Heightmeyer, as ordered by Weir, anxious to get that over with. But more than anything, it seems like he just wanted to get away from under the eyes of all the people that had been looking at him like he was crazy. And the fact that he was now here, seemingly talking to himself, did not make him look less crazy. What's more, Cadman was really starting to rile him up:

Cadman: Oh, stop sulking. You're acting like a two year old. McKay: This is your fault, you know. Cadman: How do you figure that? McKay: All you had to do was keep your mouth shut while I was working. Cadman: You have no idea what it's like in here, OK? McKay: Yes, yes, I do. I know exactly what it's like in here because I live in here. I like it here!

While it's probably not Cadman's intention to pass judgement on his body (this time), McKay interprets her words as an all-around condemnation of his physical condition. Most people have some hang-ups about their appearance and shape, and no one is healthy and young perpetually. The human condition is to start dying the moment we are born, death is the first gift given to us by ours mothers. But even so, McKay seems to be all around an average guy with nothing to be ashamed of, and yet he has terrible self-esteem that has only been reinforced by negative feedback he gets from the abrasive way he usually meets other people.

He already feels like he's the most unlovable man in the world, and having met John Sheppard, someone that he sees as representing physical perfection up to and including on the genetic level, having fallen in love with him, has really only made him feel worse about himself. Having grown so intimate with the man, he can't help but compare the two of them and feel like he falls short. Now, while he may have some genetic advantages, Sheppard isn't perfect by any means. At the very least he feels his age, as we see shortly. There are many ways in which Sheppard, too, feels like he falls short of what McKay represents to him. But again, even though they are able to read each other's thoughts right off of each other's faces, neither of them see the way the other looks at them. They can't see each other through the other's eyes.

But, and again make note that he doesn't really care what a woman thinks about his body, McKay does stand up for himself, does challenge what he feels is her wholesale condemnation of his physical condition. He says that he likes being in his body. The earnest way in which he says it tells us that he must have had some good experiences in his body in recent times. His body has given him joy, and likely pleasure. Now, since McKay is not precisely a gourmand and known for deriving pleasure from food, his pleasures must come from other sources.

This line has a connection to Sheppard in that it's one of the first things we ever hear him say. He tells Gen. O'Neill "I kind of like it here," which O'Neill later abbreviates into "He likes it here."

They're talking about the Antarctic. O'Neill does not like it there because he has several bad memories connected to the place. Sheppard likes it there because he has no bad memories attached to it. Now, McKay very likely does have bad memories attached to his body, but it seems as though for him, at this time, the good memories far outweigh the bad memories. What ever has happened recently, he has enough good memories connected to his body to like it there. And since Cadman has not experienced these things in his body, she has no way of knowing what it is like to be him. McKay's voice breaks as he says "I like it here!", revealing just how deeply this is affecting him.

As they are walking and smack in the middle of this existential conversation, they are interrupted by Katie Brown, who calls out for McKay as she comes up from behind (relevant for later):

Brown: Rodney? Cadman: Be cool! McKay: Katie! Hi. Brown: Is everything OK? McKay: Yes! Yes! Everything is just fine. I was just... Cadman: Talking on the radio! McKay: ...talking on the radio. You're well, I take it?

From this initial meeting, we can conclude a few things. First, Katie Brown is much more interested in McKay than McKay is in her. McKay is not happy to see her and were he a man falling in love, a man with a crush, a man just enjoying the company of a woman, he would not look like he'd just swallowed a bitter potion upon seeing her. The situation and the fact that he is trying to conceal his current condition from her is making him anxious, which Cadman (and possibly the audience, as well) interprets as nervousness. Obviously he's rendered into a stuttering fool because he's just so into her. She's just so special, you know. He can (performatively) flirt with women like Samantha Carter with confidence but when it's the real deal, he turns into a teenage boy. Right? He just has too many feelings, they're overwhelming him and making him into a nervous wreck. It's easy to interpret his anxiety as nervousness due to his inexperience with women, and that it is the sheer loveliness of this lady that is making him act this way. Or how ever people explain this.

Regardless, she is the one trying to get his attention, she is the one that maintains eye contact with him, she is the one that steps into his personal space, she is the one who smiles and attempts to flirt with him. She's the one who is trying to secure a date with him (that he has apparently already canceled multiple times), she turns to look at him as she leaves.

Now, her interest in McKay seems genuine, albeit superficial in the way that she never gets to know him and when she is finally forced to look at him as he is, she does not like him very much. All throughout their... involvement, it seems as though Katie does not really even see McKay, she only sees what she projects onto him. But there may be other reasons beyond finding him cute that she could be pursuing a relationship with him. As mentioned previously, Katie Brown likely was chosen by McKay, as a representative of the senior staff, for the expedition. She is a member of the science team of which he is the leader. More than one female member of the science team actually has expressed interest in him, and as a brilliant scientist in a position of power, he does have qualities that many women find desirable even in spite of certain short-comings.

McKay's position in the expedition alone is enough for some women to overlook some of his more charming qualities. And Katie Brown likely is feeling grateful for having been chosen for the expedition, she is likely lonely because a lack of attachments to Earth seems to have been one of the qualifications they looked for in people that were chosen for the mission, and she didn't know many people there beyond McKay, whom presumably had interviewed her on Earth, and who ever attended ladies' poker nights. The new arrivals were all probably looking to get to know people, and in particular to befriend people who had been in the city longer. And hey, if they happened to be cute, brilliant, seemingly harmless and had a lot of sway in how things got done in the city, they might be quite the catch.

So even if none of these were among the reasons Katie Brown had originally developed an interest in him (and they probably were), these reasons are certainly behind her sustained interest in him even when he seems to be expressing a lot of trepidation toward dating her, and this certainly explains why she kept on "dating" him even when he wanted to take things reeeeaaal slow since, as far as we know, they never got past first base and the only time they got to first base was in this very episode, and that wasn't even him.

It might be that she either enjoys the status of dating the head scientist or there's something deeply wrong with her, and we never find out enough about her to know which is the case (and we never find out that much about her because McKay is not interested in her, is not interested in finding out who she is, is not interested in spending time with her enough for us to get to know her). Even here, as McKay inquires about her wellness, he's doing it to shift attention away from himself to her, not because he is particularly interested or even cares how she is. For him, she's a prop. For her, he's probably a trophy, or otherwise a pet or a houseplant that she feels the need to take care of (and note that when McKay asks how she is, she does not actually share anything about herself with him, she wants info on him). Either way, Katie Brown and McKay never form a couple in the definition given for a couple in this episode.

Now, likely bored out of her mind by not being able to do anything, Cadman gets the idea that she's Cyrano de Bergerac and that she's going to help poor McKay who just has no game with women to score living out her romantic comedy plot, where McKay feels like he's caught in The Puppet Masters or "a very strange Outer Limits episode". She thinks it's real clever to give him the excuse that he was talking into his headset so that he might look less crazy for having just been caught arguing with himself, and hence decides to become his woman-whisperer. While from Cadman's perspective, she's trapped in a prison of flesh wanting to connect with the outside world, from McKay's perspective his body is being invaded by an alien consciousness, not unlike the Go'auld.

Now, it's also noticeable that it is Katie Brown who attempts to keep the conversation going here. McKay clearly would rather be anywhere else but stuck in this conversation with her. And let's not gloss over the fact that he lies to her several times during this very short exchange. Not only is not a good foundation for a relationship, it also tells us that he's not particularly keen on sharing himself with her, in letting her get to know him. He is being evasive, and his evasiveness is not just because he has another woman on his mind... literally. And yet in spite of his rather obvious evasiveness, she keeps pursuing (and clearly, has been keeping tabs on his whereabouts):

Brown: I heard you ran into some trouble off-world today. McKay: Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, but everything's fine now, it's all been sorted out. Back to normal.

So, the way McKay sounds here is exactly like when Han Solo was trying to get an imperial officer to ignore them on the Death Star:

Han Solo: Everything's under control, situation normal. Imperial officer: What happened? Han Solo: Had a slight weapons' malfunction but everything's perfectly alright now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?

This is to say, McKay is very obviously full on lying to her here. And he's not lying to spare her feelings, he simply does not deem her worthy of the truth. McKay, like Han Solo, is also trying to get rid of her. He's trying to get out of this conversation that he does not want to be in. But whether or not Katie Brown can sense this, she seems insistent on getting that date with him:

Brown: Good. So we're still on for tomorrow? McKay: Yes, yes. Yes, actually, I'm... very much looking forward to it. In fact, I'm sure it'll be a... you know, a wonderful... evening, and what not. Brown: Right! Well, I'll see you then. McKay: Mmm.

Note the noncommittal answer McKay gives her, and also the way her smile vanishes as she takes off and has her back to him. Again, he has apparently cancelled on her multiple times (even if the intention was for "two adults to simply share some friendly..." conversation?) already, and given his current condition, he very likely was going to cancel on her again. Even if he was going have dinner with her, he was damn sure not going to do it now. But apparently, he had been putting this off for a while, possibly ever since they returned to Atlantis. Because he doesn't want to have dinner with her. He doesn't want to go on a date with her. He doesn't want to get to know her. That much is obvious just from this short interaction.

Like Sheppard, McKay is trying to exercise good leadership, and being seen with a woman that seems harmless besides would really be really good for his reputation and the cover he is trying to maintain, all things considered, but he still seems really, really reluctant to go through with it. And since he had already established a pattern of canceling on her obvious enough for her to have discussed it at ladies' poker night, it has nothing to do with his current condition. And it has nothing to do with being shy and nervous around women, either, as he had no trouble telling Cadman off earlier on the field and he literally started his flirting with Samantha Carter by calling her a dumb blonde right to her face. He's not shy and nervous around women. He's... just not that into her. Because she's a woman. Because he's not into women. Is the thing. But Cadman, like a part of the audience, are going to think that it's just because he's bad with women and has absolutely no game:

Cadman: You really know nothing about women, do you? McKay: I know plenty.

McKay has a sister but they are estranged and she seems considerably younger than him. We know that he went on two dates with a woman in college. He works with women and under women, and probably has done so in the past. And he would probably tell you that he knows as much about women as he wants to know. He's not interested in getting to know how women work. There is precious little he wants or needs from women and none of which has to do with the fact that they are women and hence, he's not really bothered about this. And it doesn't even occur to Cadman, who seems both young and naive, that not all men are into women like that.

Furthermore, Cadman's idea that all women are some kind of a hive mind that respond the same way to the same stimulus is sexist. If he really wanted to do McKay a favour, he might help him see Katie Brown as an individual person with individual needs rather than as a representative of a category because that is already how McKay views her. He never does learn to see her as a person but that's all the same, as Katie does not see him as he is either. Perhaps unwittingly and even unintentionally, they are both using the other. But they're not there yet, and the way McKay describes his feeling during these early stages of their getting to know one another tells us all we need to know:

Cadman: Maybe this is a good thing. McKay: Excuse me? Cadman: I could teach you a thing or two about the opposite sex, McKay. Lord knows you need it! McKay: This is hell! This is my own personal hell!

McKay literally describes this as his personal hell. Sheppard later describes what Cadman went through as his "worst nightmare" but this, having to pretend to be straight to a military officer who is a) a woman, b) under the command of his former lover and the man that he still loves, c) stuck inside his brain and d) under the impression he wants to hook up with women and decides to take it upon herself to make sure that it happens is his personal hell. He is in hell.

Now, it was only because Cadman pushed Beckett away instead of McKay that this happened to him but it could easily have been Beckett this happened to. And the experience would likely have been much easier for a (mostly) straight guy like Beckett--straight both in the sense of sexual orientation and not hiding as many secrets for himself and others as McKay does. Likely, Beckett would have taken the opportunity to get to know Cadman through conversation and waited patiently until McKay fixed the situation, and then gone about his day. With McKay, it's different. If this episode teaches us anything, it is that Rodney McKay does not like women and he barely tolerates to be around them.

Now that we have this very heterosexual scene here to make sure that everyone thinks McKay is interested in women, the show can safely present something extremely homoerotic with Sheppard. If the audience has been convinced that McKay is pursuing a woman, it casts an effective "no homo!" on the subsequent scene. And oh boy.

Both testing Ronon and trying to integrate him as part of Atlantis, Sheppard is watching him spar with four young marines in the gym. He's leaning on a rubber torso used for practicing strikes, a body opponent. We've never seen it before and it's at least never featured prominently again, so the prop has been inserted into this particular scene for a reason. And the thing is, Sheppard leaning with his pelvis out, resting his arm on the shoulder of the naked man doll is doing nothing to make this less homoerotic.

The entire composition of the scene is meant to make us think about sweating, grunting and heaving man bodies tangled together in the throes of physical activity. And as we watch them, so does Sheppard.

For sure, his lean is going for nonchalant. Like it's no big deal, he's just here to check out the new recruit and test out his skill-set. Like he can barely be bothered to watch this but he might as well, since he's already here. But it's really not necessary for him to be thrusting his dick out like that for it.

Now, Sheppard certainly seems turned on. A freshly single guy that has (probably) not had sex for months, he's allowed to be turned on by this. Ronan is a fine physical specimen, and the young marines are the best of the best they've got. But even so, Sheppard would never actually pursue any of them. Young soldiers under his command are off limits to him, and he counts Ronon among these men. And make no mistake, his age is a factor here. Watching them, he seems very much to be feeling his age. Although his age and trying to maintain his authority are probably not the only reasons he turns down the opportunity to throw down with Ronon himself:

Sheppard: Alright. Let's try that again. Marine: How about you try that again? Sir. Sheppard: Maybe that's enough for today.

For Sheppard, this is a purely look-don't-touch situation. He's just window shopping for the briefest moment because one, it's damn hot and two, he needs something for how his life has been going recently. Watching them tussle for a moment doesn't hurt anybody, and if any of this is going in his mental bank for later, that's no one's business but his own.

But as hot as this is, he is also looking at it with a professional eye. He likes what he sees when it comes to Ronon's skill-set and he's more convinced than ever that he's the man for the job he needs him for.

But what's really important is this: Sheppard came here directly from watching McKay having what can only be described as a mental break down in front of his own staff. McKay was clearly injured by what ever happened to him inside the dart, and that was all Sheppard's fault. He had not been there to protect McKay, he had paired him up with a rookie Lieutenant, he had taken him with to the planet in the first place, he had shot down the dart holding him. In so many ways, what had happened to McKay had been his fault, and it had clearly exerted a heavy toll on the man. He was so fucking tired of not being able to keep McKay safe.

And that's why he's here, now.

Back in the commissary probably less than an hour ago, he had told Ronon to take his time deciding whether to join them. And then he went right back to Ronon from having watched McKay's breakdown. Because he needs to make this happen. Having witnessed that, he needs Ronon to join them more than ever. And so, he's doing the hard sell. He's not going to take no for an answer from this man. The reason he's working so hard to get Ronon to join them in this episode has everything to do with the McKay situation. He needs this man, and he while he would like to give him time to make his decision, right now he has none to give.

What's also interesting is that Sheppard looks down at the ground while the scene is playing out before him, seeming lost in his thoughts for a moment. The ground has a mat used in combat training. These kinds of mats are used, for example, when practicing forward rolls. That McKay had been learning. That Sheppard probably had been teaching him. Very likely in the gym. On a mat such as this. Perhaps on this very mat. And if he managed to do that and not have sex with him on the mat, he's made of stronger stuff than most men. As mentioned previously, there was no way for them to actually show us Sheppard teaching McKay forward rolls because it's not possible to disguise the touch of a lover as collegial. It's not possible for him to disguise touching McKay as the touch of a friend, or a team leader, because he knows that body far too well. All he can think to do is to keep a distance between them.

Continued in Pt. 6

[nrilliree]

It's hilarious to see the antis losing their minds over Daemyra's HBO video called Love Story. They keep repeating that this is grooming and that the relationship should not be romanticized and glorified. It's frankly worrying to see all these people throwing around such a serious word so seriously when they probably don't know the definition. Book or show, Daemyra is not grooming. And these people make me laugh. They complain about seeing Daemyra as a romance when that's what it is. It's not because there is an age difference and incest that the relationship is toxic, open a history book for pity's sake people... A bit of culture. The toxic elements of the show don't even exist in the book. Like Daemon's delirium taking Rhaenyra to the brothel in episode 4 (and even if it has a toxic aspect, not only that, it's also a liberating scene for Rhaenyra's character. It's a complex scene. Gray. Not black or white) Or even when he strangles her in episode 10. (which many people point out elsewhere to counter the video, while once again, in the book it does not exist, and this scene has already been criticized a lot for its inconsistency...) Even if also, I don't know in what world these people live, but they are aware that a romance can have problematic aspects in fiction? This is nothing new. Especially in fantasy universes. This tendency to associate love with a situation only deemed pure is also worrying. Especially in a fictional format made for entertainment. Also, worst comment: "Everyone forgets what Emma D'Arcy says about Dameyra?!!!!!!!" As gospel. Let's be clear, Emma D'Arcy is a human being who can and does say stupid things, exactly like calling Daemyra grooming. Especially since in the same interview where she talked about it, she was completely wrong about Rhaenyra's age! But hey, since it's a trend in this fandom to rejuvenate Rhaenyra to make her appear underage in episode 4, I imagine that people don't care about this detail. Plus, for what it's worth, she's also spoken highly of Dameyra in different interviews and even said she would read fanfiction of them. 😂 So frankly, it makes me gently laugh at those who promote Emma D'Arcy's words as the ultimate truth. Worse, there are even people who don't like Rhaenicent and claim that it's a better romance than Daemyra. In what ? In the show, apart from the completely occ strangling scene we can't say that Daemon actually did anything bad to Rhaenyra. While I recall that Alicent, not only in addition to having injured Rhaenyra, giving her a lifelong scar by having tried to take Lucerys' eye, well she harassed her and her children for 10 whole years, threatening peacefully the lives of his children. Not to mention that she then usurped him, while hiding the death of Viserys while she crowned Aegon II. But I guess a woman can't do any harm so all that doesn't count...

I stick to the principle that actors are only actors, the same people as you and me, and their words are not prophetic revealed truth. They can be smart, or they can be completely stupid. In fact, an actor is a tool to bring the writer's and director's vision to life, so just because an actor says X doesn't mean the writer will be wrong when he says Y. People ALWAYS have a problem with character relationships in books and movies. Sometimes these problems make sense, and sometimes they come out of nowhere. I would understand that people have a problem with Daemyra because they think that incest is wrong and there should be no exceptions even for a culture where it is normal. Or that they think there is too much of an age difference between them. People have this right. It was similar, for example, with Darklina. When people said "I think that Alina and Aleksander shouldn't be together because he is much older than her, so they have too much of a generation difference" it was okay, it was their right. But when they said "he is a pedophile because he wants to have a relationship with a teenager!!!1" it was already wrong and untrue. And it's exactly the same with Darklina. People do not focus on what could be a problem, but invent their own problems, using big words that they do not know the meaning of. They throw around "pedophile" and "grooming" left and right, even if the situation does not fit the definition of this meaning in any way. I do not understand this. If you don't have any real, valid arguments as to why something is bad, why would you want to argue that it is?