#he is peak captain which is why he was OUR captain

[biking-around-the-world]

Yeah no… Remo with the Captaim armband there was definitely not what I needed to see after a shitty and stressful day.

[outsideratheart]

Healing (Alexia Putellas x reader)

A/N: This took me a lot longer to finish than I hoped but it’s done. Grab a drink and get comfy because it’s a long one, in fact I think it’s my longest fic to date.

The world had its questions and you were well aware of the headlines.

Y/N Y/L/N quits football.

Where is Y/N Y/L/N? Here's what we know.

The best in the world has vanished.

If you find Y/N tell her Sarina is looking for her.

The last twelve months had been the hardest in your life. You thought you could prepare for it, that it would easier because you knew it was coming but that wasn't the case. The day it happened was the day your heart broke and as you buried her you knew you were burying part of yourself too.

You left the world speculating as to why you didn't extend your contract with Lyon, why you never signed for another club and more importantly people were wondering where you had disappeared to.

Both your club and country team mates knew about your personal life and the tragedy that happened shortly after the euros. 

You missed football, of course you did, but you also needed to take time away to process what had happened. A return date was never set but then the world cup happened. You watched your team mates cry after losing to Spain and you couldn't help but feel partially responsible. The game might have ended differently if you had played.

A decision had been made. It was time to return to the pitch. You had offers before and after the euros. The only question is what teams would still want you? 

The sun was setting in Barcelona as the team finished up a late training session. Most of the players stayed behind to take advantage of the free food given they knew once they got home they wouldn't have the energy to cook themselves.

“Lucy your phone is ringing” Ona shouts over to where the English defender is filling her plate. 

“Who is it?” Lucy replies. 

Ona’s face floods with guilt. Almost as if she shouldn’t be looking at the phone. This sparks interest of those around her but no one more than Keira who sees the name on the screen. 

“Y/N” Lucy all but ran back to table after hearing Keira say your name “is everything ok? Where are you? Yes I’m with Lucy. Before I hand you over promise me that you’re ok? Good” 

Keira hands over the phone and watches Lucy’s face as she tries to figure out why you called and what you are talking about. 

“Yes there are people around me. Ok, I’ll ask” 

When you hang up the phone Lucy does as you ask or at least she makes the first step. 

“Alexia” Lucy walks around to where the captain is sat with Mapi and Ingrid “Who would I talk about signing a new player?”

“It’s not our job to recruit players but if you know something that might help the club then tell me and I will ask” Alexia wasn’t stupid. She heard your name and now Lucy was asking this. It wasn’t a coincidence. 

“I can’t. This is a sensitive subject” 

“Vale. Talk to Jona and if he thinks the player is right for the club then he can set up a meeting” 

Alexia left the training facility that night thinking of you. You were at the peak of your career, many people considered you the best in the world and if she is being honest she thought you would win the Balon d’Or, not her. That night Alexia watched your highlights for hours, even the ones in the games against her. You really were a once in a generation player which makes it that much harder for Alexia to understand why you walked off the pitch at Wembley and hadn’t been seen on one since. 

The next day at training the energy felt different. Lucy and Keira had a sense of happiness that their team mates hadn’t seen before. They would gather around Lucy’s phone but then hide it when somebody came close to them. 

Jona came walking into the gym with Xavi Puig right behind him and called over both Keira and Lucy. A couple of players watch the conversation unfold and tried their hardest to read their lips.

“Ingrid, what are they saying?” Mapi nudges her girlfriend.

“They’re talking about Y/N Y/L/N” Alexia was stretching on the floor playing no part in the eavesdropping.

“How do you know?” Ingrid asks her.

“She called Lucy yesterday and then Lucy talked to me about the club signing a new player. I can’t know for sure but that’s what I think is going on”

A couple of days later you landed in Barcelona, greeted by the warm weather and your two England team mates who kept a low key appearance in the arrivals hall. You stop when you are a meter away them. You didn’t know what to do, you hadn’t seen them in almost a year. 

“Come here” Lucy throws her arms around you followed by Keira.

“We’re so happy to see you Y/N. We really have missed you” 

You remain quiet as you walk to the car. Both of them fill you in on what the team is like and you make sure to remind them that you haven’t officially signed yet.

“Jona mentioned that. You want a trial training session?”

“It’s the right thing to do” you didn’t want any special treatment. You wanted to earn the right to play for the club and not just be handed the contract.

“You could have not played football for 5 years and still run rings round all of us” Lucy knows you the most having played with her at both club and country. You were too humble in her eyes so she took it upon herself to remind you of your greatness from time to time.

“I never said I haven’t played football. That has been the thing to get me through the past 10 months” you didn’t mean to be a downer, in fact you didn’t know what you were saying until it was too late.

“How are you doing?” Keira asks from the front seat and you see Lucy eyeing you up in rear view mirror.

“Some days are harder than others and no day has been easy. She would be happy that I’m here though. She always said that if I didn’t go back to England then she’d want us to come here”

You couldn’t bring yourself to say her name. 

“She always did hate the french winters” Lucy laughs at the memories she shared with your wife.

Your mind goes back to just a couple of years ago. Lyon were playing at home and the weather was awful. You saw Natalia in the crowd shivering but still she cheered you on, she always was your biggest fan. Come rain or shine, your girl was in the audience. You hated the thought of playing without her being in the crowd but you also knew she wouldn’t want to give up your career.

“Y/N” Keira gently nudged your knee. It was obvious that you were taking a trip down memory lane and she didn’t want to scare you.

“Huh” you quickly wiped away a tear “Oh we’re here” you grabbed your backpack and jumped out of the car leaving them in the front not knowing what to do.

“Let’s leave her be. She knows we are here and will come to us when she’s ready”

You were in awe as you walked the halls of Joan Camper. The things the team has achieved were that of greatness. It was a club that created legacys and you found yourself feeling something that you hadn’t in a long time; excitement.

Lucy and Keira lead you to the locker room just as they were instructed to. The rest of the team were already out of the field which was part of the plan. There hanging in a corner locker was a training kit for you. You didn’t expect it and you definitely didn’t expect to have been given your number.

“You did this?” You ask the pair.

“Salma did. The team knows you called Lucy and when Salma heard to locker room rumours of you joining she insisted. Between us she is a big fan of yours, bigger than Luce”

“Not possible” the defender joked.

The boots were fastened and you were ready, well almost ready. There was one thing you wasn’t prepared for. You looked down at your necklace. It was a simple gold chain that held two rings: yours and Talia’s.

“I can’t do it” you slumped down in defeat and bury your face in your hands.

“Hey” Lucy crouches down in front of you “they let us wear jewellery for training, you can keep them on”

You walked out onto the field and all eyes fell on you. You felt like a spectacle and you hated the attention. They didn’t know the current version of you, they had only met the old Y/N so you channel her and introduce yourself to them during the next drinks break.

“I know some of us have met as opponents but this is different. I’m Y/N, it’s a pleasure to meet you all, I hope I can keep up” you make a joke hoping to avoid the elephant in the room.

“We’ll see about that. I’m Alexia” She is the first person to you.

“Lovely to meet you Alexia” 

It’s hard to explain the feeling when you’re playing football. It’s as if you mind switches off whilst also been completely focused. It take a few attempts to get into the rhythm that is Barcelona football but you catch on quickly. It comes as no shock to the rest of the team that you play in complete sync with Lucy and Keira. The two of them even stay back at the end to work with you on some movements that you weren’t pleased with.

Some players go shower but a few stay behind, albeit out of sight, and watch you. 

“She has a gift” Alexia says to nobody in particular.

“Nobody has seen her in over a year and this is how she is playing. Look, she is running rings around them. How is that possible?” Patri adds.

“Does anybody know where she was?” Pina asks the small group.

“No but I could ask Ingrid or Caro to ask Ada. They are best friends and surely you would tell your best friend where you are going” Mapi forms a plan in her head, one that she will soon find out to be a bad idea.

“Do it” Alexia tells the defender “We are a family here and if she joins us then we have a right to know where she has been”

When Barcelona posted a photo of you signing a contract on their socials the world went crazy. The media were relentless and the fans were quick to show their support for you even though some were skeptical about your sudden reappearance and new team. 

You ignored them for the most part as they had no idea what had happened. You fit into the team almost right away and was enjoying every game with Barcelona. You scored on your debut and had been involved in a goal every game since. Months had passed and much to your surprise you had only been asked about the missing year once or twice. 

Caro refused to ask Ada about you and Ingrid only did when her girlfriend became obsessed with finding out the truth. Ada’s answer was simple ‘I won’t tell you and if she doesn’t want you to know then you should respect her wishes’.

You remained a mystery though and for the most part the team seemed to forget about your missing year. 

When the second international window came that is when things changed and you felt like you made a friend. Mapi still wasn’t representing her country so she reached out and asked if you wanted to meet up for a coffee. 

Anybody could easily be intimidated by the blonde but you liked her. She had this energy that made you know accepting her invite was a no brainer. That and you had questions of your own. 

“How did you know?”

Mapi places down a a small coffee in a glass; a cortado. 

“I asked Keira what you ordered”

A comfortable silence took over as the two of you sipped on your coffees. You found it funny the way Mapi looked at you then her coffee and back to you again. You recognised the signs; you were making her nervous. Why though you had no idea.

You decide to make the first move and you get straight to the point much to the defender’s surprise.

“I spoke with Ada”

This got her attention. You had your suspicions but the look on her face confirmed it. Still, she played along.

“That’s nice. You’re very close, no?” Mapi tried her best to look innocent but you weren’t having any of it and the look on your face told her that.

“She had an interesting conversation with Ingrid. Do you happen to know anything about this?”

She did. You know she did. 

“No” you got a sheepish look from Mapi and you wondered if she knew how unconvincing she was being.

“I think you did. I think you got Ingrid to ask Ada about me”

“Lo siento”

“Here’s the thing I don’t understand. I know you all want to know, you’ve been whispering about me for months yet not one of you has come to me and asked me directly. You have been going behind my back trying to dig up information about a time that I clearly don’t want to talk about”

Mapi dips her head. She truly thought that her and the team were been careful but obviously not. 

“Maria, I want you to put yourself in my shoes. Would you want to talk about it with strangers when you barely talk to your best friends about it?”

The defender thinks about it for a moment. You had barely left Lucy and Keira’s side but she hadn’t really heard you talking, you were always listening to what they were saying and replying when necessary.

“It was bad wasn’t it?” She asks. 

“The worse year of my life” you confess and you can your throat close at the thought of the months in question.

“We are in jail?” 

You cannot help but chuckle at her words.

“No, I was not in jail”

“Did you kill somebody?”

“No, I did not kill anybody”

“So no crimes were committed?”

“Is that what you have all come up with? That I broke the law?” 

“Most of us, yes. Aitana think’s you were in the hospital because you were sick”

Her response came at the worst time possible. You spit your coffee out when you hear the midfielder’s suspicion. 

Technically she was right. You were in the hospital but you weren’t in the hospital.

“I wasn’t sick” 

“Clearly. Look at you, you’re huge. I mean you are big. No, you are strong”

“Calm down Mapi, I know what you mean. Thank you” 

The two of you stay in the cafe for another hour. You take this time just the two of you getting to know one another. You ask Mapi about her tattoos and she learn’s you have a few of your own which are hidden on your back. When she asks for their meaning you promise you will tell her the stories another time. 

You both walk to the metro station and by coincidence you end up of the same train. You get off before her and just before the door opens, Mapi grabs your hand.

“I’ll get them to stop. You don’t owe us an explanation, Y/N” 

“Thank you Maria” 

You’re not sure what the tattooed defender said but the whispers stopped or so you thought. They stopped whispering in front of you but little did you know the speculations were still going on behind your back. It is early in December when things come to a head and you snapped. 

“What do you mean she is staying Spain?” Alexia asked Salma. 

“That she is staying her in Barcelona. She said she might go to Valencia for a few days but that’s it” the forward wasn’t sure what to say or if she should have said anything at all.

“And you don’t think that is strange? This is woman who used to love England. The fans called her Queen of England, por dios. How can she be apart of this team if we know nothing about her. She is lying to us” Alexia ranted on and who knew how much longer she would have continued if not for Lucy interrupting her.

“Alexia, that is enough!” Lucy slams her fist on the locker before turning to her captain “She has come to this team and done nothing but good. She plays well for us and gives it her all on the pitch. Off it she makes the effort and yes sometimes she says no to things but isn’t that her right? You stand there as our captain but look at you, you’re nothing but a bully. I am ashamed to say i’m your team mate right now. That girl has been through hell these past couple of years and since coming here all you keep doing is reminding her of what has happened. You are obsessed with her. Look around, no one else is digging for information. No one is making her uncomfortable on a daily basis”

“She is lying to us. She won’t tell us where she was for over a year. She is hiding something and that isn’t fair on us” Alexia tried to defend her actions.

“Isn’t fair? Are you really that self centred? You have no right to talk about what is and is not fair. I don’t care if you are my captain, I won’t stand by you while you treat my best friend like she has done something wrong. You, Alexia, are a —“

“Lucy” The whole locker room turns upon hearing your voice “I have given up on Alexia, it’s time you do too”

“No! I won’t let her talk about you that way. You don’t deserve this”

“No I don’t but —“

“Y/N” Lucy begs you to let her fight you case.

“Walk away Lucy” 

A stare down takes place between you and Lucy. A few seconds later the defender grabs her stuff and leaves the room. To everyone else you are calm and collected but Keira recognises the look in your eye, you are furious.

“I want everyone to listen to me and listen good. My past is none of your business. To those who have let the obsession go, thank you. To those that haven’t” you look Alexia dead in the eye “I want nothing to do with you. I will remain civil on the pitch. Other than that I ask you to stay away from me. That’s if you can respect my wishes. I know it has been hard so far”

You quietly gather your things and try to ignore the multiple sets of eyes on you. With each second you can feel your chest getting tighter and you know it is only a matter second before you will no longer be able to control your breathing. You just needed to get out of there, away from prying eyes.

The hallway is the furthest you get. Your mind was filled of flashbacks, the moments that you tried so hard to bury. The past was not a pretty place, not the last year, but you know that it was only a matter of time before it came crashing down on you. 

“Y/N, are you ok?” Mapi and Ingrid are by your side, clearly the couple had left just after you.

“Natalia, she, she” 

Ingrid and Mapi shared a look, who was Natalia? They had never heard you mention a Natalia before. Both of them didn’t know what to do. Whilst you had become friends with the pair, they didn’t know you well enough to cope with this moment. 

Luckily for them Keira appears out of nowhere. The English woman clearly equipped with what to do.

“Get Lucy, now!” She whisper shouted and Ingrid goes running hoping to catch the defender before she leaves.

“Keira—Natalia”

“I know, I know. We can talk about her later if you want. Right now, I need to focus on me. Can you do that?” 

You nod your head as tears flow down your cheeks. 

“What happened?” Lucy rushes over to you.

“We found her on the floor. She kept talking about Natalia” 

“She told you?” Lucy asks shocked. She knew you wasn’t ready to tell them team but in a state of panic you might be let it slip.

“No. She only said her name” Mapi says. She couldn’t take her eyes off you. This wasn’t a panic attack, no she had seen one of those before. This was something much more intense.

A few minutes pass and Keira manages to keep your breathing under control but you’re still not ready to move. Lucy, Mapi and Ingrid stay close making sure to tell anyone who passes to keep moving.

“What is going on?” Alexia asks with concern, a concern that doesn’t reach Lucy in fact her asking is the worst thing she could have done.

“Get away from her” Lucy is up on her feet and pushing Alexia backwards. She would has fallen to the floor if not for the wall behind her “This is all your fault. You see this, you see her, this is what you have done to her”

“Lucy” you reach up and take her hand. The defender used her strength to pull you up. 

You, Lucy, Keira, Mapi and Ingrid walk towards the exit of the stadium.

“Y/N” Alexia’s voice is soft and it is only now that she realises she might have taken things too far.

You turn around to face the Catalonian. For the first time since arriving you make no effort to hide the pain you have felt on a daily basis.

“I want nothing to do with you Alexia”

A week had passed and Alexia started to worry about you more so than she wanted to let on. Lucy and Keira were visibly worried about you and kept an eye on you at all times. She was confused at how things got this bad. Yes, she knew that maybe things had been taken too far but you didn’t show rage, your energy radiated nothing. You were numb. The Barcelona captain had no idea how to make things right with you.

You wore a smile on your face in front of the cameras and fans but behind closed doors it’s liked you switched your emotions off. Alexia asked Mapi about you but it seemed that even her closest friend was on your side. The zaragozian and her girlfriend had become close with you since the incident and Alexia didn’t understand why.

One night she found herself knocking on Mapi’s door hoping to find out how things got so bad.

When the captain was let in there is an evident scowl on Ingrid’s face which Alexia did not expect. The Norwegian excuses herself stating that she needed to go to the supermarket.

“Mentiroso” Alexia says to herself.

“Watch it Alexia. She has her reasons” Mapi jumped to her girlfriend’s defence.

Mapi leads Alexia over to the kitchen table and gets a glass of water for the two of them.

“You’re here about Y/N, aren’t you?” her captain nods “I don’t know what to tell you. What happened in the locker room was bad Ale. We didn’t leave the stadium when you thought we did. Y/N used everything in her to make sure Lucy didn’t do something she would regret. I don’t know what happened during those months but whatever we think it is, it’s so much worse. I shouldn’t be telling you this but she kept mentioning Natalia, I don’t know who that is but I think something happened to her”

Alexia thought she felt guilty about the way things went down with the two of you but that failed in comparison to how she was feeling now. To think that you were grieving someone and her questions were it worse for you, well it made her feel ashamed. 

She knew that she hadn’t been the most welcoming. Yes, you and her got a long on the pitch and yes, you were ok at training but she hadn’t made the effort she should have to make you feel at home in Barcelona.

“I don’t know how to fix it Mapi. You know I like her, I think she is amazing—“

“You were her biggest fan” the blonde teased

“But what if I’ve ruined any chance for being friends with her? What if what I’ve done is undoable?” Alexia ignores Mapi comment seen as though she knows she cannot deny it.

Mapi was at a loss for words. She always has had her friend’s back but there was something about you which made her want to protect you and Alexia was someone that you needed protection from.

“You need to give her space Alexia. This week alone I have seen you walk towards her then walk away at least 6 times. Y/N even asked me why you were doing it. You’re making the girl feel uncomfortable” 

Alexia mentally scolded herself for her behaviour which in her defence she did not think anyone noticed. 

“So space?” Alexia asks.

“Space” Mapi confirmed.

Alexia found it hard at first because she wanted nothing more than to make things right with you but she did as suggested, she gave you space. She saw you start to come out of your shell a bit more as December rolled on. The day game before the Christmas break you were playing in Madrid and that is when Alexia heard you discussing your winter plans with Keira.

“Keira, that’s a sweet offer but I’m sure. I’m going to stay in Barcelona, it is my home now”

The Catalonian took a little comfort in knowing you had grown the love her city despite the hostile behaviour.

“Y/N, it’s Christmas. She would want you to be home for that” your friend asked.

“I don’t know if I can handle going back for Christmas. It would hurt too much”

It felt wrong for Alexia to eavesdrop on your conversation so she leaves out of respect.

“She wouldn’t want you to avoid England. The two of you spent years in France and both of you said coming home to England was your favourite thing to do”

“Keira, stop. It was our favourite thing. There is no more our, no us. It’s just me”

Keira could see your hands shaking. This is the first sign of your panic attack so she drops the subject. She does suggest you going away with them for new years and you said you would as long as it isn’t in the UK or France. 

The team had one last recovery session before the winter break and it’s safe to say when it was done everyone was more than happy to go home. You wished everyone a Merry Christmas and without knowing it, Alexia is included.

“Feliz Navidad Alexia, por tu y tu familia” 

“Gracias Y/N” 

To Alexia this was a gift in itself. Maybe you were opening up to idea of forgiving her. After that you quickly grab your stuff and run off to where Ingrid was waiting for you.

After that interaction, Alexia couldn’t stop thinking about you. She also thought she was hallucinating when she saw your name appear on her phone screen. In the rush of leaving the training facility you picked up the wrong bag, only realising when got home a few hours later and your shirt had an 11 on instead of a 7. You texted Alexia asking if you could meet up to get your stuff back. Alexia, at that point was already at her mother’s house so she sent you that address and told her mum that you were coming over.

You tried to ease your nervous as you drove to your captain’s mother’s house. It was going to be awkward, this much you knew but regardless of the place you and Alexia were in, you wanted to make a good impression on her family. 

The knock was gentle as you stop on the door step.

“Y/N, hola. Adelante”

You didn’t know that word meant but you put two and two together and guessing in meant come in so that is what you did. Eli leads you to the living room after telling Alba to go get her sister. Eli headed back into the kitchen and left you in the living room. You didn’t want to take a seat, it wasn’t that kind of visit so you looked around and a wall of photos gains your attention.

Alexia couldn’t have been more than 7 years old. She was adorable. Next to her stood her younger sister and behind her, her parents. You didn’t recognise the man so you assume Alexia’s father works away a lot as you have never seen him at a game.

“That’s Jaume, Alexia and Alba’s father” Your cheeks flush in embarrassment at being caught stooping.

“And your husband” you turn to face the woman “I haven’t seen him around, does he work in a different city?”

“Jaume passed away a little over ten years ago” 

She is a widow, like you. That is the first thing you thought. In that moment you had so many questions for her but this is a woman you had only just met. It’s not exactly the small talk she would be expecting. The two of you go quiet and you guess she is thinking about her lost love, just as you are thinking about yours.

Alexia comes downstairs, your bag in hand but stops at the door was upon seeing you in conversation with her mother. Alba nudges her forward but she doesn’t move. The two of them watch you.

“Does it ever get easier?” The question was out of your mouth before you could stop it.

The two sisters share a look. They had no idea what you were talking about and by their mother’s response, she didn’t either.

“Que?” As expected, the question catches Eli off guard.

“Living without the person who promised you forever” you turn to face the older woman with tears falling down your cheek.

“Oh Querida, come here” 

You feel comfort in her arms and for a brief few seconds you forget that she is a stranger. In this moment she is someone who understands your pain and that is more than enough for you. When you pull away you see Alexia and Alba, you feel extremely exposed.

“Hi. You must be Alba” you wipe the last of your tears and extend your hand towards the younger Putellas.

She swats away your hand and pulls you into a hug.

“So formal” Alba laughs “you’re even hotter in person” 

“Alba!” Both Eli and Alexia scold her.

“What? I’m being honest” 

“Thank you, I think. Is that mine?” You point the bad Alexia is holding.

“Yes. Sorry for the mix up” 

“No, no. It was my fault. I was running late for dinner with Ingrid. I left yours in the hall as I wasn’t sure where to put it”

Alexia stared at you almost as if frozen in place.

“Was I not suppose to do that? I can go get it for you”

“This is the most you’ve spoken to me since joining” Alexia was honest with what she was thinking.

“It must be the Christmas air” you laugh a little “speaking of, you three clearly have plans so I will leave you be” 

Eli tries to get you to stay but you can’t. The woman knew too much and even though shared the same pain, you knew it was only a matter of time before the pity eyes came. You also didn’t know how much the two sisters had heard.

Alexia asked and asked what the you and her mother were talking about but the woman refused to tell. The only answer Alexia got was to be careful with you and that not all is as it seems. It seemed to be enough for Alexia but she wasn’t giving up on you, not just yet.

She kept an eye on you over the Christmas break and just as you said you stayed in Barcelona. Alexia all but stalked your Instagram and even went as far as texting you some recommendations. You felt something towards the midfielder and it made you think that you might have been a little harsh on her. You made a mental reminder to speak to her once the break was over.

The first game back was away to Bilbao and it brought you the perfect opportunity to speak to Alexia as the two of you were roomed together. It was late by the time you got there so everyone went straight to their room. 

“Oh Y/N I don’t know what happened” Alexia says as she swiped the room key. 

“What are you — oh I see” 

There was only one bed, albeit a large double bed. 

You hadn’t shared a bed in almost a year and you wasn’t sure if you were ready for it. Now you had to find  a way to explain this to Alexia.

“I’ll sleep on the floor” Alexia suggests and even though you weren’t ready, you also knew you wasn’t going to let her do that.

“Alexia you are one of the most important players on the team. I cannot let you sleep on the floor. Take the bed, I’ll take the floor”

“Y/N, you are important too. You are our highest goal scorer. I am taking the floor, don’t argue with your captain”

She refused to take no for an answer and you hated it. When you came out the shower Alexia was on the floor and it looked awful. It was almost funny and you couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Don’t say anything. Bed” Alexia laughed along with you.

The room was dark except from the street lights then peaked through the curtains. Sleep wasn’t coming easy to you and by the sounds of tossing and turning, Alexia was struggling too. 

“Alexia, come sleep in the bed” The thought of having someone sleep next to you wasn’t something you necessarily wanted but Alexia sleeping on the floor wasn’t fair.

“I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable” 

There was something in her tone. She wasn’t talking about sharing the bed with a team mate, she was talking about sharing a bed in general. 

“She told you” Eli had to have told alexia about your conversation. 

“Who?” Alexia asked even though she knew you were talking about her mother. 

“Your mother. She told you about what I said”

“I asked but she didn’t tell me anything. I’m sorry that something happened to your friend” 

You sat up upon hearing her condolences. 

“My friend. What are you talking about?” 

Alexia, now sat up too, looked at you as if saying you know what I’m talking about.

“Natalia?” 

She said her name. Nobody had said her name. They knew it would cause too much pain. 

In that moment you are brought back to the last time someone said her name. It was the 5 November 2023 in a hospice not to far from your shared home in London. Natalia was the strongest woman you knew and no one would ever come close to her in your eyes. Yet just after Euros she told you that her time was coming, that the cancer was starting to win. You begged her to fight, you weren’t ready to lose her but you knew that you had been on borrowed time for many many years. The last person to say her name was a nurse as your wife took her final breath before she was called home.

“She was my wife” you could feel your nose twitch as a ball of emotion built in your throat. You knew the day was coming when you talked about her but you didn’t think it would come in Bilbao with Alexia now sitting at the foot of your bed.

The Catalonian knew she heard you correctly but she still sat in disbelief. She had no idea you were dating anyone let alone you were married. Alexia could do nothing but watch as you bury your head in your hand as your body racks with sobs. She wants to hug you, to hold you and to tell you to let it out but you weren’t that close. 

When you aggressively wipe your eyes you notice Alexia looking prettified and you cannot help but burst of into a fit of giggles.

“I’m going to go get Lucy or Keira or anyone else who isn’t me” your captain panics and makes a bee line for the door. She is stopped in her tracks as your hand grabs her wrist.

“You don’t have to”

She didn’t believe you and that was made obvious as her eyes dart back and forward between you and the door. 

“Isn’t this what you have been wanting? To know why I walked away” you pat the side of the bed next to you.

You saw the hesitation is Alexia’s eyes. In that moment she wanted to respect your boundaries and you appreciated that but for the first time in a while the thought of talking about Natalia didn’t make you feel like you would break. 

Once she sat down you turn to face you and you saw the look many people had given you. She felt sorry for you. 

“I didn’t know you were married” 

“Not many people did. We never hid anything. If you look you’ll see her in a lot of photos, she always supported me” you get comfy knowing that this is going to be a long conversation “I’m a private person and all I ever wanted to do was protect her” 

In that moment Alexia understood for she too was a private person. She knew that she was in the limelight but she still kept herself to herself off the pitch. 

“How did she—“ Alexia stopped talking as soon as she realised what she was about to ask “sorry, I shouldn’t have said that” 

“Leukemia” you closed your eyes, took a deep breath and counted to three “she first got it when she was six. We used to take the day off school to go to the hospital. She would call me her emotional support friend” you laugh as you remember the way she made you wear a badge “she won the battle only for it to come back when she was 16 then again at 28. The third battle was the hardest for her and it was the one she lost” 

Alexia caught the way you couldn’t look at her whilst you talked about the hardest times of your wife’s life. 

“She sounds like a strong woman” 

“Oh she was the strongest. She went through so much yet you never would have known it. Natalia had this heart that was big enough to like up the whole world. I wouldn’t be where I am today without her. She supported me in the youths teams, was in the stands when I made my Arsenal debut and moved to France with me when I signed for Lyon. She said she’s followed me everywhere because she knew I’d be lost with her” 

When Alexia sees you laughing, she joins in too. 

“Things got bad just before the euros. I was so close to withdrawing but she begged me to go. She wanted to see me lift that trophy and I did, I did it for her. I didn’t know how bad it was until afterwards and I made the decision to be by her side. We did all the things on her bucket list. A couple of months later she couldn’t fight it anymore. Her strength was gone and the light was barely there. I was able to be by her side as she took her last breath” 

Alexia didn’t stop you as you got off the bed and made your way towards the window. She could tell by the way your hand went straight to your face that you were crying. 

“You wanted to know why I walked about?” You turned to face her and in that moment, knowing what she did, Alexia felt guilty. Guilty for reminding you of the loss you had suffered. 

“I walked away because I didn’t feel like I had a purpose. For so many years I played for her. I scored to see a smile on her face and I won my trophies so that I can give her my medals. I couldn’t return to Lyon without her and it felt wrong being in England” 

“Y/N I’m —“

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry. You didn’t kill her, the cancer did” 

You hated it when people told you they were sorry for your loss. Why? Why are they sorry? You heard it so many times that it made you numb. 

Alexia could tell that you were feeling a lot right now. She wanted to be there if you wanted to talk more about Natalia but she also knew the importance of changing the subject when it’s needed. 

“Can I ask you a question?” She looked at you with a sincere gaze.

“You can. Is it about Na—“ 

Alexia shakes her head.

“Why Barcelona?” 

It is a question that she had been desperate to know. You have now told her why you weren’t ready to go back to Lyon but plenty of teams would have offered you a contract if you announced your return.

“I said it wasn’t about her but turns out it was. Talia loved Spain and Barcelona was her favourite place. I honestly thought I would retire at Lyon but she always said that if she could pick a team I play for them she would choose Barcelona. When I decided to come back, it felt right to sign for Barcelona. Also, Lucy and Keira are here. As you have seen, I have depended on them quite a bit and I knew that it wouldn’t be easy so having someone who knew made everything easier”

You could see Alexia processing what you had told her. 

“I’m happy you don’t play for Lyon anymore”

“Yeah, you might be able to beat them now”

Alexia stared you down and you wondered what her next move would be. Turns out you didn’t have to wait long because a pillow soon smacked you in the face.

You both burst into laughter when the pillow fight turns competitive.

“We really should be getting some sleep” Alexia says as she stands.

You took a second to think. 

“You can sleep in the bed Alexia. I won’t freak out you know”

“Y/N I can’t. Not now”

“Oh stop. I’m not some fragile little doll that will break if she shares a bed with someone. Now get in bed” 

You pull the duvet back and pat the bed. It is only when Alexia gets in that you realise she is on your side and you are on Talia’s.

“You know this is my side of the bed” Alexia says as she gets comfy.

You had your reasons for sleeping on that side. You want to be closest to the door in case someone broke in. You wonder if Alexia has a reason.

“Got to make sure no one comes in and kidnaps you. Buenas noches Y/N” 

You fall asleep that night with ease. You no longer feel the weight of keeping your emotions at bay and having Alexia knowing the truth makes you feel at ease around her for the first time since you joined the club.

From that day on things were different between you and Alexia. You found yourself spending more time with her than you did with Lucy and Keira. The two of them found it strange but didn’t question it. Whilst the defender was still very much protective over you, she did see a change in her captain which lead to her giving her the benefit of the doubt. 

Life in Barcelona was finally what you imagined. Even in January the sun was shining and the sky was blue, unlike the weather you have been used to. The pain in your heart was still there but for the first time in a long whilst you felt happy or at least the closest thing to it that you could feel. Alexia has invited you to family dinner which happened after every other home game. Her mother and sister made you feel welcome. You had become rather close with Eli as she would often reach out to talk to you and check in with you. She didn’t need to say much, the fact that she could understand was more than enough. 

Alba was quite the character and there was never a dull moment with her. She would relentless tease her sister and it had you holding stomach with laughter.

You had received some calls that made you think about a few things. You thought about talking to Lucy and Keira about it but you knew their decision would be biased so you confided in Alexia one night as the two of you walked Nala along Barceloneta.  She helped you work though the feelings that the question brought up and by the the time you arrived back to your apartment, which you learnt was in the building opposite to hers, you knew what your decision would be. 

During the game against Atleti there was a certain Dutchwoman in attendance. It was the second to last game before the Nations league semi final, a game that England has got to by the skin of their teeth. Barcelona came away with a 2-0 win and a lot of the players stayed out on the pitch afterwards to greet the fans that came to support them.

Sarina stood near the locker room and praised the team as they entered. 

“Are you here for Lucy and Keira?” Aitana asked as she walked down the hall.

Behind her walked the two English women, along with Alexia. The latter knew to expect her, it made sense for her to come see you in person. The other two clearly had no idea that their national team coach was coming.

“She isn’t here for them” 

Alexia’s words cause Lucy and Keira’s heads to turn in surprise. 

“Y/N’s still out on the pitch. She is playing with Irene’s son Matteo, shall I go get her?”

“No, I can wait” 

Just as three of them were about to enter they hear your voice followed by a child’s laughter. You walked down the tunnel with Irene and her little boy. Sarina saw just how happy you were and for a brief moment she regretted coming. She questioned whether or not this is what is best for you.

“Gaffa” you saw the look on your team mates faces and chuckled. Surely they knew it was only a matter of time before Sarina came knocking “Let me get showered quickly and we will go” 

“But we’re going out tonight. It’s team night” Aitana sulked.

“I’ll meet you guys there” 

Alexia and you shared a look. She knew what this conversation was going to be about and she was pretty sure she knew what the outcome would be and she was worried. You squeezed her shoulder and smiled before going into the locker room.

It was over 3 hours later that you finally enter the restaurant that the team were eating at. 

All heads turned to you as you walked through the door. The seat reserved for you happened to be next to Alexia which you don’t think was an accident. Lucy and Keira were sat opposite you and you see the look of suspense in their eyes. They hadn’t officially been told what you and Sarina were talking about but they had very good guesses. 

The rest of the team were having their own conversations and you didn’t want to make a scene so you nodded your head and that was enough confirmation for them.

“Yes!!” Lucy stood up suddenly and slammed her hands on the table.

“Holy fuck. Lucia, sit down”  

Lucy does as her told.

“Our captain is back” Keira said to herself. 

You tried your best to include yourself in the conversations around you but your mind kept wandering. You found yourself staring off into the distance. It is only when you feel a gentle hand on your thigh do you realise just how spaced out you were.

“Is everything ok? Did your coach say something because if she did then—“

“Stand down Ale” Alexia’s eye soften at the nickname. It wasn’t a new one for her but you had only just started calling her it and she loved it “I’m just thinking is all. What if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t have a place in that team anymore?” You lean into her and whisper.

“Y/N, they are your team. Yes you took some time away but you lead them for a long time and you told me they knew your reasons. It might take some time to get back into things but you will soon be back to how you were before. Besides if things go well for both of us then we will have a World Cup rematch on our hands and I want to see what might have happened if you played in the summer” 

Oh you didn’t think about that. You hadn’t given your upcoming opponents a second thought. Alexia was right. If England beat France then they will face Spain in the national league final. 

You thought there might be some awkwardness when you walked through the doors at the England camp but you couldn’t have been more wrong. Each player welcomed you with open arms and the players that you didn’t know as much treated you like everyone else did.

There were a few moments when you got pulled aside by Sarina for what she called her mental health checks. She promised that nothing said between you would be told to anyone else and you chose to believe her. You were honest about how heavy the shirt felt when it had the England badge on and you told her of the nerves you were feeling about playing for your country again.

Alexia had kept texting you to check in and for the most part you told her the truth. It was the day before the match when you got overwhelmed and instead of lying, you chose to ignore her. You knew it wasn’t fair but wanted to stay focused. You could bury your feelings for 24 hours. Alexia on the other had wasn’t going to give up on you.

“Alexia” Jenni nudged her friends leg “Earth to Alexia” 

The woman in question had her eyes glued to the her phone as you sent you yet another message.

“What do you want!” Alexia snaps.

“Hey, don’t snap at me. Who you texting? Is it a girl?” Jenni peaked over her shoulder.

“No” Alexia pulled her phone closer to her chest “It’s Y/N”

“Y/N Y/L/N is a girl last time I checked” Jenni couldn’t help but tease.

“She but I don’t like her like that, well I do. Wait! I don’t” Alexia slumps down in her seat  “Oh Jenni, I don’t know how I feel”

Jenni hasn’t seen her friend like this in a long while. Normally Alexia knows what wants and isn’t afraid to go for it. This though is different. It’s almost like she knows what she wants but she is hesitating and Alexia doesn’t hesitate.

“It’s ok not to know but something is clearly bothering you. What is it?” 

“She is ignoring me”

“Last time I saw you you told me she didn’t want anything to do with you”

So much had changed since then and she didn’t know how to explain it. In the end she told her everything she could without going into the finer details. Alexia confesses her feelings and explains that she cannot get a hold of you and that none on your team mates were answering either.

“Alexia, I may not know why she stopped playing football but I saw the way she played, she loves the sport. Her playing for England again is a big deal. Everyone is talking about her press conference she did this morning, it’s all over social media” 

Alexia wasn’t aware of a press conference. She never goes on social media the day before a match because it is quite often a distraction. Jenni picks up on her friend’s obliviousness and gives alexia her phone so she can see what is being said.

Jenni was right. You are everywhere. 

Y/N Y/L/N makes her return but what does it mean? Why now?

Sarina Weigman confirm Y/N is the captain of this team despite turning her back on them.

Beth Mead ruled out for Semi final, should be back for final if England are successful.

World Cup rematch? Y/N says that Spain wouldn’t have won if she was playing.

Alexia read headline after headline, article after article. She was beginning to feel overwhelmed so she couldn’t imagine what you must have been feeling. The last headline made the Catalonian laugh because she too had thought about what the outcome might have been if you were playing.

“I think the last one is a stretch” Jenni mumbles.

“We will never know” Alexia is ever more determined to get a hold of you. Just as she was about to call you again, a message comes through.

Hi. Sorry I haven’t been around, it’s been a lot. Thank you for checking in on me Alexia, I promise you I’m ok. Good luck in your match tomorrow.

“She’s ok” Alexia tells Jenni as if the forward was the one who was worried about you.

The next day you wake up and are ridden with nerves. It’s not a familiar feeling and you know that you need to calm down before the game or things will end badly. 

Despite protests from your team mates, you will start the game on the bench. It’s the right decision and you make sure to tell Sarina just that. Whilst the team’s recent performances have been spotty to say the least, you refuse to walk back in like nothing had changed. You know you need to earn your place on the pitch with the lionesses.

Spain’s game has an early kick off and finishes just after yours starts. The team get back to the hotel and have organised to watch it the hotel bar. Much to Alexia’s dismay she is called for Media seen as though Spain won and have qualified for the Olympics. 

When she finally joins the team she knows that the first half is over but that’s it.

“What’s the score?” She asks anyone who is listening.

“2–0” Ona says.

“That’s—“ Alexia is cut off before she can finish her sentence.

“To Germany” Jenni knows that Alexia would have wanted England to win if for no other reason than you “Y/N is going on for Toone” 

She cannot help the smile that tugs at her lips as your number goes on the subs board. 

The world watches as Mary runs over to you and gives you the band.

“Welcome back skipper” Mary pushes the band up your arm before you can stop her because she know’s that is what you’ll do. She was there in the captain’s meeting when you told Sarina that you didn’t deserve the captaincy.

“Game on, Maz” 

It felt right being on the pitch and wearing the three lions crest. You allow yourself to take in your return but only for a couple of seconds before you turn your attention to the game and the challenge that you face. 3 goals was a lot to ask for when Germany are playing as good as they are. It wouldn’t be easy and it would take everything you had but you never shied away from a challenge and you wasn’t about to start now.

After about ten minutes you found your rhythm and England were playing the type of football they are known for. It doesn’t take long for LJ to make a run and dance around the opposition. You have faith in her but follow her anyways in case she loses the ball. She doesn’t but Frohms does save her shot, she doesn’t save your rebound though.

“Get the ball” You shout to the Chelsea player. 

When the match restarts, the lionesses are on the hunt. Shot after shot is taken but somehow the ball stays out the net. England get a corner in the 80 minute and you’re lurking on the edge of the box, ready to make your run. Popp is the one marking you because she has studied you new way of play since joining Barcelona. Chloe’s corner is pin point and no amount of research in the world could stop you from getting the second goal and tying the game.

Alexia finds herself up on her feet with Ona and a couple of your team mates when you get your brace.

“Vamos Y/N” she says.

“You do realise that we will face them if they win” Misa reminds her.

“Right now, I don’t care. She deserves this and I’m celebrating my team mate” Alexia didn’t care if she might face you in the final.

“She told you” Aitana whispers as she pulls her captain down to the sofa “That is why she doesn’t hate you anymore and why you’ve stopped interrogating her”

Alexia does nothing but nod. Her fellow midfielder didn’t need to know anything else and she doesn’t ask for it either. She accepts that the reason must be valid if Alexia has dropped her questions.

There are 4 minutes announced of stoppage time. 

When you look up the the score board and see the number you get flashbacks on the euros final. You have been in this position before and came out victorious. Today was going to be no different. 

It was huge mistake by Germany when Gwinn takes down Hemp about a meter outside the box.

In the past you have found yourself stood over the ball with Beth but this game it’s Alex who stands beside you.

With her hand over her mouth she gives you strict instructions.

“You’re taking it” 

It’s not a question and you don’t argue.

“You have saved us tonight, now get your hattrick”

The amount of faith Alex had in you did wonders but it didn’t settle every nerve running through your body. Free kicks were your specialty, this wasn’t nothing new and the pressure was a familiar feeling. 

As soon as you strike the ball you know it’s going in. It’s a hard feeling to describe but many call it shooters instinct, it had never been wrong and it wasn’t now. The ball floated over the wall and went in the further part of the top corner. The shot was unsaveable. You ran over to the bench, more specifically to Sarina, to celebrate with the woman who gave you space and welcomed you back with open arms. 

“It’s like you never left”

Her words caught you off guard. For a brief moment you agreed with her but you got hit by the feeling of grief, you looked towards the family section and there was no one supporting you. Maybe some things hadn’t changed but a lot certainly has. When the full time whistle was blown your team mates ran towards you, all of the congratulating you on your performance and your first game back.

It was a weird kind of celebrations that night. The team was split, half wanted to celebrate getting through the final and the other half knew the job wasn’t done, they knew that the biggest task was yet to be faced. Spain had beaten them before and on the greatest stage, the UEFA national league final could either repeat history and England could rewrite it.

The team travelled to Madrid that night, only hours after the game. Upon arrival almost everyone went to their rooms but not you. You knew sleep wouldn’t come easy so you decided to wander the streets of Madrid. It had become a habit of yours, you would walk around and people watch. Every human had their own story to tell and it made you forget about yours.

You had no destination planned yet you found yourself stopping outside a hotel, the one you know from your text messages with Alexia, was the one the Spain team was staying at. 

A lot of feelings were running through you and you saw this as the universe’s sign that maybe you should talk about them. You have confided in Alexia since Sarina first reached out to you, she knew more than anyone how you really felt about returning and you talked about this very moment, the hours after your first game when the past is very much present in your mind. You remember the words she told you ‘when that happens you call me’ so that is what you do or at least that is what you go to do.

“Y/N” you hear a familiar voice say. You turn to see Jenni, Irene, Laia and Misa walking towards you.

“Hi guys” your voice is quiet, shy almost and you cannot help the way your eyes scan for Alexia knowing full well that these are the people she spends the most time with.

“What are you doing here?” Misa asks you. The two of you hadn’t formally been introduced but you had scored a brace against her in the El Classico.

“I’m—“ 

“Here for Alexia” Jenni says with a knowing look and you cannot help but feel like she knows something you don’t.

You can only nod. Apart from Irene, you didn’t know these girls very well and the version of yourself that you show to strangers is very different to the one that your friends see.

‘I can take you to her. We are roommates” Jenni seems sincere with her words but you feel a pang of jealousy. Everybody knew that the two of them used to date, it shouldn’t bother you, you had no right to be jealous yet that is exactly what you were feeling.

You think about it and Jenni can tell you are thinking about it.

“She hasn’t stopped talking about you and I know she will want to see you. She was your biggest fan when we watched the game” Jenni added hoping to create some sense of comfortability.

“She watched my game?” You asked in disbelief. You thought you had no one but maybe you did, maybe Alexia was the someone that was cheering you on but instead of the family area she was cheering you on from the hotel you were currently standing outside of.

“She did. I think she forgot she was Spanish for a minute” Irene says which causes you to laugh.

“I doubt that but I appreciate the support. You know I shouldn’t be talking to you, you guys are the enemy now” 

“Yet you came here for our captain, she will be your enemy too. Come on, I’ll take you to her. We wouldn’t want you to be spotted outside our hotel, just think of the optics” Jenni once again says.

“Ok” you nod your head a few times to solidify your answer.

The girls lead you through the hotel but only Jenni and Irene stay with you, Misa and Laia walk ahead. The longer you walk the more you begin wondering if this was a good idea. What if you are overstepping your boundaries. You had no right to be here and could easily be turned away at any point.

You enter the lounge area of the hotel which holds the majority of the Spanish national team yet your eyes search for only one. She see’s you before you see her and is walking over to you with a worried look on her face.

“Estas bien? What are you doing here?” Alexia’s arm rests on your shoulder.

“It was an accident. I was out for a walk and I ended up here” you explained.

“She was asking for you” Jenni says even though technically it wasn’t true. In her eyes she wanted to play matchmaker after it was made evidently clear that Alexia was hesitant to peruse things with you even though she had feelings for you.

“Is this true?” Alexia asks and you nod.

“We won, I returned, I scored, wore the armband and I didn’t have anyone is stands” you whispered so only she could hear you.

The look in your eyes changed. For the first time that night you showed your true emotions. Alexia didn’t need to hear anything else. She grabbed your hand and escorted you to the outdoor seating area. She sat down whilst your paced the patio.

“Y/N, come sit down” Alexia pats the seat next to her and you comply “Are you ok, really? What made you come here to me?”

“I’m not ok but I’m more ok than I thought I would be. It’s been quite a day, that game was —“

“Incredible. You changed the entire play” 

“It felt right. I belong on the pitch with the girls, I should never have left” You didn’t register that you felt guilty about your absence until you said the words out loud to Alexia.

“You needed to. You had to process your loss and you returned when you were ready”

Alexia was very understanding, you had to give her that. 

“That answers my first question but the second” the Catalonian didn’t want to push but there had to be a reason and until she heard the truth she was filled with worry. You had been walking the streets of Madrid, alone, at almost midnight.

“Why am I here?” You repeated it. Maybe you hoped that hearing the question again would help you figure out an answer, it did “I wanted to celebrate…….with you. I was surrounded by my team, people I consider family yet you were the one I wanted to call and tell about the game”

You dipped your head when you felt yourself getting emotional. You were suppose to be happy but with everything you were feeling you were overwhelmed. On top of what you were feeling you couldn’t ignore the way your heart beat twice as fast because Alexia was sat opposite you with her hand now resting on your thigh. 

When you looked up Alexia noticed the the tears in your eyes and was quick to wipe away one when it fell.

“I shouldn’t be feeling this way Alexia, it is wrong” you met her eye as you made your version of a confession.

“You can be happy about playing football again Y/N. Natalia would have wanted you to be”

“Don’t say her name, not now” you shook your head and Alexia’s hand fell back to its prior place on your thigh.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep. I can give you space if that what you need” the blonde stands, ready to leave you be but you grab her hand and pull her back down.

“I don’t want space and that is the problem. I wasn’t talking about the game Alexia. I shouldn’t be feeling this way about you” you shook your head in disbelief. You were sure that your shot of happiness died with your wife but you have developed feelings for Alexia and could no longer deny it.

“Y/N” Alexia cupped your face so that you would look at her but when you did, her hand didn’t move.

“Ale” you melted into her touch. That very touch gave you butterflies and you enjoyed the act of intimacy.

The two of you went silent but each of your thoughts were very loud. Alexia glanced at your lips, you knew what she was about to do and you didn’t stop her. Maybe you should have, maybe you should have pulled away but you didn’t. You didn’t move when her lips hovered centimetres from your own, you let her kiss you. You froze in the moment, like a deer in headlights. It was only when you closed your eyes did you realise what was happening. The kiss felt like you were cheating, it felt wrong yet felt so right.

“You shouldn’t have done that. We can’t do this. It was wrong” you pushed Alexia away and stood up hastily.

You stormed away before Alexia had the chance to speak. All eyes were on you as you walked through the sea of Spanish players. Their eyes went from you and then to Alexia who was running through, trying to catch up to you. She was hot on your heels until you turned to face her. She waited a couple of seconds before taking steps towards you.

“Stop” you say but she doesn’t “No!” you held you arm out to further imply your seriousness.

After that she can do nothing else but watch you walk away from her. Her hazel eyes stayed on you until you were out the lobby doors and onto the streets of the Spanish capital.

Alexia was frozen in place. She has ruined everything by rushing but she felt something when she touched you, she felt a spark and that wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t feel the same thing she did. You told her that had feelings for her, you came all this way to see her. Those things meant something but maybe she had read it wrong, maybe it had all been in her head.

“Alexia, are you ok? You’re crying” Irene appeared in front of her. The woman in question was quick to wipe her eyes in hope that no one else would see her tears.

“I’m fine. It’s getting late, everyone should go to their rooms. We have a final to prepare for and we need to be at our best” Alexia walked away.

The two of you were very quiet in the upcoming days and were laser focused on the task at hand. Beat the opposing team and being the first even UEFA Nations League champions. Both of your team mates could tell something was wrong but they didn’t know what to do. Your team mates wasn’t aware of your late night adventures until Aitana texted Keira to ask if you were ok and told her that Alexia wasn’t after you showed up at their hotel. The English midfielder kept this to herself given that Lucy has only just got started talking to Alexia and there were a few players on the team who’s protectiveness could rival the defenders.

By the time the day of the final came around there was plenty of reason for concern but both teams knew that this is what you had been working towards. Yes, a trophy was on the line but it was the previous trophy that was the topic of conversation. 

The first time Alexia saw you was when they arrived for the pitch inspection. You were near the goal with LJ, it has become a new pre match routine for the two of you. Well you did it the game a couple of days ago and you won that so the two of you gravitated towards the goal today. 

Alexia wanted to go to you and that is what she was going to do until she felt a hand grab her wrist.

“Alexia” 

She turned to face Keira.

“Leave her be”

“I didn’t mean to upset her. We were talking about feelings and then I kissed her, I couldn’t help it. It felt right in the moment” Alexia couldn’t stop talking. It’s like was making a confession and Keira would be the one deciding whether or not it was a sin.

Meanwhile the English midfielder couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Sure she had suspected something was going on between the two of you but she also had a strong sense that you wasn’t ready for anything knew. In her eyes you were still healing.

“You kissed her?” Keira whispered as not to bring attention to their conversation.

Alexia was about to explain further but Keira stopped her as she sure her other team mate coming towards them.

“Lucy is coming. I will talk to you about this later” 

It was as if Keira flipped a switch. Her look of concern was replaced with a smile and she even put on a fake laugh so Lucy wouldn’t arrive to an awkward silence. Soon enough it was a gathering of Barcelona players yet Alexia could stay focused on what her friends were saying for you were beginning to walk towards her.

In your eyes you wanted to talk to Alexia and you knew you needed to. The other night was a lot for you to process but you did owe her an explanation for leaving, that much you did know. She looked good as you watched her enter the pitch. You let your eyes linger in the most discreet way possible. 

“You and Putellas?” LJ asked you. She wasn’t aware of what happened, nor did she know you were married. In her eyes, you were hiding something and she wasn’t wrong.

“We are friends…..I think. It’s complicated” you admitted knowing that Lauren wouldn’t push you further.

“Uncomplicate it” she suggested.

“If only it was that easy. Let’s head in and get ready”

You felt the change in heartbeat again as you got closer to where Alexia was standing. Your head might have been all over the place but you heart was being very clear in what it wanted only you weren’t ready to admit it.

“Y/N” Alexia shouted to you as you walked past her.

“Hi” for whatever reason, you pulled her into a hug “Good luck today, you’re going to need it” 

You both started laughing at the quick change of energy.

“I don’t think it’s us that need luck. We beat you in the summer” Alexia was cocky but she wasn’t confident.

“You didn’t beat me though” you couldn’t help but smile at her.

Your smile was genuine and that is something Alexia took great hope in seeing. Maybe you weren’t mad at her, maybe you just needed a little space.

What you said next doubled that hope.

“Come find me after the game”

Then just as quick as the hope was there, it wasn’t.

“We need to talk”

Those 4 words struck fear in Alexia but she didn’t have the chance to say anything because you were already down the tunnel by the time she came to her senses.

Your was brought up several times in the Spanish locker room and each time all eyes fell to Alexia for she is the one that knew you most. She had learnt how you think, what plays you are going to make before you make them. In her team’s eyes she knew how to stop you. Only it wasn’t that easy. Alexia did knew how you play but that style changes when you are hungry, like you have a point to prove and this game brought both of those things.

“Stop focusing on Y/N! If you focus on how to stop her then you’ve already lost. Focus on stopping her from getting the ball” That is the last thing she said before heading out into the tunnel. 

The lionesses were waiting for her, she expected it. It was an intimidation tactic. You weren’t there and that was a surprise, she would have bet good money that you would be in the starting 11. Mary stood opposite her and smirked when she saw the look of bewilderment on the opposing players face. 

Alexia wanted to say something, she kept looking back at the team. If she was paying attention she would notice that there was only 10 players on the England side of the tunnel. With her eyes now facing forward she didn’t see you walking towards the front of the line. The sound of your cleats fell on deaf ears.

Her head shot to the side when she caught a glimpse of you standing next to her with the pendent in your hand.

“Capital Y/L/N, nice to see you back where you belong” Alexia covered her mouth, her being well aware that there were cameras on her.

You shake your head at her greeting.

“Captain Putellas. You’re going to wish I wasn’t” you had one last attempt to get in her head.

“No I won’t. Win or lose today, this is something the world, myself included, has been waiting for” 

You thought you would get a smart remark not a reply that was genuine.

“Alexia” 

“Y/N” 

Those were the last words spoken except from a good look after the coin toss.

You called a huddle before everyone got into place. This game was important, not only because of the trophy on the line but it was the lionesses chance at redemption. To prove that it was only one game.

“I want you all to do something for me. Play for right now, not for the past. You cannot change what happened in the summer, no matter how hard you try. Winning today won’t get you the star on the shirt but it can be the reset you guys have been wanting. That loss has been haunting you, I can see it by the look on your faces and I promise you here today that if you play with revenge in your hearts then you will fail. Yes, this is Spain but we are England. We don’t stay down, we get up and fight. We stand together as a team, a pride. We go out there and leave everything on the pitch” 

Each player is hooked on every word as you give Mary the signal. 

“England on three” 

You all come together one more time before getting in position.

Alexia tries to do the same by most of the team is watching you.

“She is going to make it hard” Olga tells her captain.

“She is going to make our lives hell for the next 90 minutes but that’s not to say we can’t give it back. Look at that star on your shirt, we got that by beating this team. Yes, Y/N wasn’t playing but she is one player. As good as she may be, we are better. You’ve seen what everyone is saying, they are calling our World Cup win a fluke, that we didn’t win but England lost. We may have qualified for the Olympics but our job is not done. We have a trophy to win. Vamos Espana” 

Just like England did, Spain come together before readying themselves for the game.

The game which starts in the worst possible way for the away team. It seems the your players might be a bit more nervous that they are letting on. Inside the first 15 minutes Salma gets through on goal and sends Spain up 1-0. It wasn’t ideal but it didn’t mean the game was over either. You were playing safe, as a way to get the most out of the team around you. When the first half is done with you haven’t take a single shot on goal. 

Spain entered the tunnel happy and England entered it less so.

The atmosphere was eerie in the locker room and you could see the self doubt radiating off your team mates.

Sarina takes the floor and explains all sorts of strategies but nobody is listening. They are in their own head.

“Do you mind?” You walk up to Sarina hoping to have a talk with your team. The coach happily steps aside.

“How many of you are thinking about the World Cup? Raise your hand” nobody does and you decide to call bullshit “You’re lying and I won’t have that. You are telling me none of you are out there thinking of the summer? the picture of them lifting the trophy that should have been yours?” 

One by one players begin lifting their hands.

“I can stand here and say I haven’t been good enough. I need to be better and I will be better. In 45 minutes we will be crowned champions. The question is are we going to do it in style or are we going to make it harder for ourselves? We know what we need to do and we will do it” 

You leave the locker room and go back out onto the pitch. You are the first one out there and you take a minute to look at the score board. 1-0. You hated to lose but more than that, you hated to let people down. You made the decision to come back and you didn’t do that to come second.  You returned to be a champion and to make Natalia proud, you wasn’t doing to let her down. You had spent the past couple of days trying not to think about her and maybe that was the problem. She was your greatest strength, your biggest supporter and she may be no longer with you, you may be beginning to move on but that doesn’t mean you have to forget about her. No, you need to play for her just as you always did.

The first ten minutes of the second half it was like a different team was on the pitch. England were pushing and pressing and Spain were struggling. In the 67 minute was when the game was made even once again. You and hempo were tiring out the defence and it made them vulnerable. On one counter attack they couldn’t keep up. Irene was the only player standing between you and Cata but she could see Hempo running up beside you. She found herself in a lose lose situation so she stuck with you in hopes that the pressure would work, it didn’t. You pull her in just enough to give hempo enough space. At the last minute you passed to your left and she fired the ball into the back of the net.

Game on.

Spain were beginning to tire and the one touch football that was known around the world began to work in favour of England. They were unable to play out from the back because you, Alessia, Hempo and LJ was pressing the defence. It was mind play and it was working. 

It was during a corner where things got interesting.

“Keep going!” You clapped your hands to rally the team “we are in their heads, now we end it” 

“You’re not in our heads” Alexia says as she chooses to mark you. It was a tactic they hadn’t done yet, so far Jenni had marked you.

“Just you saying that is proof that we are but feel free to prove me wrong” you had a minute to talk as the ref walk talking to Lucy and Irene.

“I will. Let’s make it interesting. You score right now and I’ll buy you a drink later”

“So that means I’ll be taking the trophy and your money? Oh you’re on” 

Alexia followed you are you walked around the box as you got into position. You would end up in one or two places; front post or in the middle. Never did she think you would make a run for the back post and swap positions will Lucy. The change caught Alexia out and when the ball hit the back of the neck she shook her head in defeat. 

She had played right into your hands. You had pulled her in with your words and left her hanging when you celebrated what would go on to be the winning goal of the game.

You had to take a moment when the game was over. Everyone was celebrating but you and Lucy made the effort to congratulate your club team mates of a game well played.

“Ay, Capi. You’re predictable you know that?” Lucy threw her arms around the Catalonian.

“Lucy!” You slapped her on the back of the head “What she meant to say is you guys played a good game and that we will see you in Paris”

“We’ll see them in Barcelona” Lucy tried to correct you.

“I mean on the pitch as opponents, idiot”  

Alexia was to focused on what the defender said first to hear the bickering that was now taking place between the two of you.

“What did she mean?” Alexia asked you.

Lucy gave you a look before leaving the two of you be.

“You once told me that in order to see yourself as the best, you had to beat the best. Tonight you wanted to beat me”

“No, I —“ 

“You did and that’s ok. I wanted to beat you too. It’s our competitive nature. That need you had allowed us a way in. I didn’t know it would come from a corner, only that in at least one part of the game you will stick to me just so you could say you got the upper hand”

“I should have dropped you off, let Irene pick you up and followed Lucy” Alexia understands the error she made.

“You should have but don’t beat yourself up about it. That wasn’t our first plan or second. Our plan was for Hempo to tire Ona out and for Lucy to get inside Olga’s head. Without those two things happening, we wouldn’t have got the corner in the way we did”

Alexia didn’t know whether to be pissed off or impressed that you read her and her team so well.

“You deserve the win today. Go celebrate with your team” 

“I will but remember you owe me a drink. I’ll text you the address of wherever we go. Invite the girls too”

Alexia watched you walk away but there was one more thing she wanted to tell you only she feared it would do more damage than good. In the end she bite the bullet and ran to you.

“Y/N” 

“Hi again” you laughed “Do you want another explanation of our strategy? We can always watch the game back when we in home in Barcelona” 

Home in Barcelona. There is something about the way you said it that made alexia feel warm and fuzzy inside.  She quickly shook her head to rid herself of those thoughts and the overthinking that came with them.

“I just want to say that Natalia would have been proud of you today. Not just today but the other game too. I know it’s not my place to say that because I didn’t know her but you should know that. You—“ Alexia began rambling.

“Breathe. Thank you for saying that. I know she is looking down on me right now with a huge smile on her face and truth is if I think about her too much then I think I might cry so I don’t want to go into that right now. Thank you though” 

Alexia couldn’t help but feel like she shouldn’t have said that.

The ceremony went by in the blind of an eye. One minute you are waiting for Spain to collect their medals, the next you are raising the trophy with Mary. Back in the locker room you find yourself staring at the medal on your neck. Never in your professional career had one stayed on your neck for this long and never has the gold felt so heavy. It felt like it was weighing you down so you take it off and stuff it into your back. You would talk about that means with your therapist if you had one. 

Later on in the night you found yourself at the hotel bar with the rest of the team celebrating. You tried your best to be happy and part of you truly was but you life off the field was becoming more complicated and hard to ignore.

“Excuse me” you tell the group that included Leah, Georgia, Keira and Lucy. 

“Should we be concerned?” Georgia asks.

“Yes but let her have a moment. These past ten days have been a lot for her” Lucy tells her friend.

They watched as you paced back and forth on the balcony. To the English it was warm outside but there was still a chill in the air and you weren’t wearing a jacket. Keira kept looking at her watch asking herself how long is long enough before she goes out to you. 

Some of the Spanish team arrive about an hour after the lionesses. Some of them go to the bar, some go to friend but Alexia, well she only had one interest and she couldn’t it or more specifically couldn’t find you. Her eyes scanned the room one, twice and third time. She had her phone out ready to call just as she sees you. 

Leah catches her walking towards you and wants to stop her.

“What is she doing” The blonde asks defensively “Y/N doesn’t want anything to do with her”

The Arsenal player has heard about you bust up when Keira visiting England over Christmas. 

“Things are different now but I’m not sure this is the right thing to do. Alexia!” Keira shouts her club captain over.

“Hola. Congratulations again. You guys sure know how to party” she tried to be polite even though she had no interest in a conversation with anyone who wasn’t you.

“Thank you” Leah seems genuine “Were you going to see Y/N?” 

Alexia nods.

“That might not be the best idea right now. I think she needs a minute to herself. It’s been quite the day for her”

“I know. That’s why I want to talk to her” Alexia knew that you might be been struggling but to her that was all the more reason for her to talk to you.

“She won’t even wear her medal” Georgia adds earning her a shove. As far as the English players are aware, Alexia didn’t know anything.

“That isn’t surprising. Every tournament until this one she has given her medal to Natalia” Alexia says as if it is the most obvious thing but your friends didn’t put two and two together.

“Wait” Lucy says “She told you about her?” Again, Alexia nods.

“When? She hasn’t talked about her since she passed” the defender added.

“After Christmas” Alexia explains but goes no further.

“That’s why she went to you the other night but then you—“

“Keira, I won’t talk about that right now. I just want make sure she is ok and I can’t do that if I am being interrogated by you” 

With that Alexia leaves your friends speechless and makes her way towards the balcony.

As quietly as possible, Alexia slides the door open and closes it behind her. She didn’t want to startle you so she watched from a distance. Your face wasn’t puffy so you hadn’t been crying but your posture was stiff so you were stressed.

“They’ve spent the past hour burning holes in the back of my head from their staring yet you have come straight out” you turn to see Alexia resting against the door. 

“I owe you a drink and —” 

“And yet your hands are empty” you point to Alexia’s hand which as you stated aren’t holding a drink “You can come closer you know. I’m not going to blow”

“I know it’s just that—“

“The last time we were along I ran away crying” you laugh as you think back to that night. Things were going really well until they wasn’t.

“Are you going to let me finish a sentence or are you going to keep talking for me?”

You mumble an apology and signal for her to continue.

“Your friends know I know and I accidentally told keira we kissed” 

“Figures. She has been hovering” 

The two of you go quiet. It’s not awkward, it’s comfortable but even then it’s not what either of you wanted.

“You said we needed to talk” Alexia didn’t want to push things and you had told her this before the game.

“We do. What happened the other night it—“

“Shouldn’t have happened”

“Who is finishing the other’s sentences now” 

“Lo siento”

“As I was saying” you send her smirk so she knows she isn’t in trouble “The other night was very overwhelming for me, not because I didn’t like what happened but because I did. I told you that I had feelings and those feelings are for you Alexia. You make me feel things that I thought I’d never feel again. I promised my heart and love to her Alexia and to feel these things for someone else is like an act of betrayal. It feels wrong but I don’t want those feelings to stop. You kissed me and I knew it was going to happen yet I didn’t to stop it. I shouldn’t have ran away like that”

“It was a lot for you, I understand that” Alexia tried to reassure you that it was ok.

“It was but I should have stayed. You wanted to talk to me and I didn’t give you the opportunity. Just because I lost someone doesn’t mean that it’s only my feelings that matter. I’m sorry Alexia” 

Alexia couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Since you said the words ‘we need to talk’ she has been trying to think of all the things you could have said, an apology was not one of them.

“Can I say what I would have that night?” Alexia asks and you nods your head whilst closing the distance between you.

“Those feelings you talked about, I feel them too. Things changed between us after you told me and I couldn’t ignore it, trust me I tried. I was also aware of your loss and that this might not be something you are ready for so I talked to my mum one night. She is the only other person I know who has experienced the same loss you have. I told her that I had fallen for you and that I wanted to act on my feelings. You know what she told me? She told me that time heals all wounds but no amount of time is the same. If I wanted to prove to you that I truly liked you then I would need to take it slow so that is what I am willing to do. If you want to pursue this then we will take it slow, as slow as you need. You said it feels like an act of betrayal and I respect that. I won’t push you into anything you’re not ready for”

Alexia reached out for you and noticed once again tears were falling down your face.

“I have made you cry again. I shouldn’t have said anything. Y/N I am so sorry”

“Alexia, these aren’t sad tears” you reach for her hand  “I can’t promise you that this will be easy. When Natalia died she took a lot of my heart with her and I don’t know how much is left but I want to share what I have left with you. Please be patient with me Alexia because I don’t know how to do this again. For most of my life it has been her and I but now I get the chance at happiness again, with you. We can take this slow?”

“We will go as slow are you want. I have nothing but time for you Y/N”

Alexia knew what to say and for the first time in a long time you found yourself leaning forward. Just as you were about to kiss her she moves and kisses your cheek.

“Slowly Y/N” Alexia winked causing you to chuckle “How about we go for dinner when we return to Barcelona?“

“I would really like that”

“Me too. Now if I remember correctly I owe you a drink” Alexia holds the door open so that you both can rejoin the party.

“That does seem to be the case. Make it a double. It’s not every day you pull one over on La Reina to score the winning goal” you shoved her playfully.

[starlightkun]

➠ word count: 4.5k ➠ warnings: cursing, suggestive (no smut but they’re in love and horny lol) ➠ genre: fluff, established relationship, former hockey captain sungchan, chronically ill reader (chronic migraines), shortfic in the buzzer beater series (comes after saltwater smiles), some minor angst again but it’s about like growing up and being a human and finding your place and purpose as an adult, not between our couple or anything ➠ extra info: the reader in this has chronic migraines, which i have. when the reader’s migraines, experiences as a chronically ill person, and thoughts about being chronically ill are described, that is me writing directly from my own life. i am not generalizing the lives of all people with chronic migraines/chronic illnesses, but i am sending all my love to any readers out there living with a chronic illness, and here’s a reminder to go take your meds! ➠ series masterlist

“It feels like I can’t ever move on from this. From being Sungchan the hockey captain. I know you were just joking when you said it but—I don’t want to actually be that guy that peaked in college.”

“Yo, tell them about the championships against the Sharks, Sungchan!” Your colleague, Seunghan, insisted, pushing on your fiancé’s shoulder with his hand that held a drink.

Sungchan looked down at his feet for a moment, and you caught a quick flash of hesitation on his features before he looked back up at the group of enthralled people and gave a lighthearted chuckle and charismatic smile. “I’ve already told that story tonight, I’m sure everyone here doesn’t want to hear it again. Besides, don’t you all want to hear about Y/N’s paper?”

You two were at a rather ritzy gathering being thrown by your department celebrating that one of your articles had been chosen for publication in a huge literary theory journal.

“Anton wasn’t here when you told it earlier!” Seunghan shook a grad student instructor in your department. “And we’ve all read her paper like a hundred times before it got published.”

You reached up to squeeze Sungchan’s arm through his suit jacket. “It’s okay, Channie. I want to hear about it. That was championships your junior year, right? I wasn’t there, remember?”

He focused his gaze down on you for another second as if making extra sure, and you nodded and gave him a smile for good measure. He sighed, wrapped his arm around your shoulders, and began the story, much to all your colleagues’ delight.

A little later in the night found you by the drinks table with Ten. When you had moved back to your old college town to accept a position with the Literature department, you hadn’t expected to walk in on your first day and see a familiar face. Sure, you knew you’d be seeing Dr. Son, who was the department head now and had conducted your interview, and several of your old professors, but you’d been keeping up with most of your old schoolmates and as far as you knew, Ten had moved away after you two finished your two-year master’s program and remained there.

Ten swirled his cocktail around his glass before taking a sip, his eyes trained on your fiancé, who was still surrounded. “Why do I never get that treatment?”

“Maybe you should’ve been captain,” you snickered, taking another sip of your soda.

“Too much work.” Your friend wrinkled his nose. “So what is your man doing these days anyway? He get that PhD in molecular biology about fish or whatever?”

“Yep, he’s a whole doctor,” you told your coworker, looking over at your guy with pride. “Defended his thesis last spring, we did a short stint abroad for about a year for him to study some rare fish in the tropics to cure a rare blood disease. I enjoyed all the food and the sun, really. He probably got skin cancer. And now we’re back here. He’s actually doing his post-doc research here, too.”

“He’s curing blood diseases in tropical fish?”

“No, sorry, in people,” you covered your mouth as you laughed. “Somehow, the fish could help cure a human blood disease, I’m not sure about anything past that.”

“And you’ve got a fat rock on your finger,” he teased, grabbing your hand to inspect your engagement ring. “What a power couple.”

You giggled, letting him look over the ring. “Yeah, something like that. He proposed when we were abroad. God, it was the most gorgeous sunset. Just us, nice and quiet.”

“I’m invited to the wedding, right?”

“Duh. We just haven’t sent invites yet, bitch.” You pushed him with your foot, rolling your eyes. “It’s going to be a certified frat party, I’m afraid.”

“Kegger?” Ten grinned.

“I’m enlisting Taeyong and Kun to keep all you menaces in check for me.”

“Well yeah, you can’t trust your Chenle-of-Honor to do that, he’ll be the first up to do a kegstand.”

You laughed heartily at that. “A few years ago, probably. But I’m happy to report my man-shaped best friend has grown into a real adult.”

“Really? What’s the little monster doing?”

“Middle management in advertising at a designer company. He’s got his eye on a promotion soon, though. Oh, and he’s got the cutest little dog.”

“Speaking of little monsters…” Ten trailed off, eyeing your drink, then your abdomen. “No alcohol?”

“I can’t drink on my medication, remember?” You shook the ice around in your glass smugly.

“Damn!”

As you rode home with Sungchan, your hands entwined over the console, you looked out the passenger window with contentment in your chest.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he sighed, stroking a thumb over the backs of your fingers.

“For what?” You turned to look at him curiously.

His features were pensive and regretful as he focused on the road in front of him, one hand on the steering wheel. “For being a distraction all night. Everybody was asking me about hockey the whole time when all the focus should’ve been on you and your awesome article. I’m sorry, I'll completely understand if you just leave me at home next time.”

“Channie, why the hell would I do that?” You asked through incredulous chuckles, turning to hold his hand with two hands. “Celebrating my accomplishments would mean nothing if I didn’t have you there with me.”

“But I just—”

“Admittedly, I didn’t expect there to be so many puckheads in the Lang department,” you shrugged. “But I know where we work, and you are a bit of a hometown celebrity around here, baby.”

“That sounds like something you’d call somebody who peaked in high school.”

“Right, my bad. You peaked in college.”

“Rude.” He knocked your elbow with his, making you laugh.

“I’m kidding, handsome. But I am proud of you. I snagged a good guy, and I am not going to hide you away when I go to these events just because people are going to ask about your hockey career.”

“It’s not fair to you.”

“I appreciate you trying to put the focus back on me tonight, I really do.” You squeezed his hand. “But when Seunghan said everybody in the department had read my article hundreds of times, he meant it. They all helped proof and revise it dozens of times each. I was tired of reading it by the time it was accepted if I’m being honest with you. Hearing about your hockey game was a welcome reprieve from thinking about the body as a critical site for sex, gender, and political ideology in M. Butterfly.”

“Do you mean that or are you trying to make me feel less like a dick?”

“I mean it, baby boy.” You pinched his cheek.

He squirmed in his seat as he slowed to a stop at a red light. “You never call me that anymore…”

“Seems like you needed it.”

“Hey,” he said softly, turning his head to look at you. “I love you.”

“I know.” You cupped his cheek, stroking his cheekbone fondly. “I never doubted that for a second, baby.”

Sungchan leaned across the console to press his lips to yours, cradling the back of your head. You hummed delightedly into the kiss, moving your mouth against his sweetly.

When you felt the car suddenly roll forward, you jerked back, gripping his arm with a yelp. “Channie!”

He was already grabbing the steering wheel with two hands and slamming on the brakes again. “Fuck! Sorry!”

The car had moved forward less than half a meter and you were the only car at the intersection, but it was enough to get your heart racing.

“Are you okay, baby?” Sungchan checked on you with wide eyes, keeping one hand on the wheel as he reached his other hand over to grab your knee.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” You put your hand over his to reassure both of you. The light turned green then. “Let’s just uh, get home in one piece, hm?”

“Sounds like a plan.” He patted your thigh, leaving his hand there as he slowly started the car forward again.

“Channie?” You called out into the house, shrugging off your coat. You’d stayed a bit late to grade papers, and while Sungchan would’ve usually stayed to walk home with you, he had wanted to get a head start on cooking dinner.

“Pantry!” He yelled back, voice distant as he was presumably deep in the walk-in pantry.

You continued shuffling through the mail you’d grabbed on your way in as you walked further into your house, tossing the junk mail in the trash as you fished out the one packet that had caught your attention. Stopping at the doorway to the pantry, you tore open the thick packet. Skimming the letter and investigating the two lanyards inside, you informed your fiancé, “Donghyuck’s team is having a preseason scrimmage at the university, and he sent us VIP passes.”

Sungchan stuck his head back out of the pantry. “So that’s why he asked for our address the other day.”

“When did you talk to Hyuck?” You asked as he gently took the letter and lanyards from your hands.

“He called me out of the blue a couple weeks ago. I was at the gym before work and completely forgot by the time I got home, sorry, baby.” He flipped over the passes hanging from the lanyards, bright green and dark black, the colors of the professional hockey team that Donghyuck had gone on to play for after college. “I thought he was going to crash on our couch or something, not this.”

“He’s a pro hockey player making like millions a year and you thought he was going to ask to couch surf?”

“You think he wouldn’t?”

“Good point,” you chuckled. “So how was he? Sound like he was doing well?”

“You said it yourself, he’s a pro hockey player making millions a year. I’m sure he’s doing great.”

You frowned up at him. “You didn’t ask?”

“It was a quick conversation, he’s busy,” Sungchan shrugged and handed everything back to you, disappearing into the pantry again. “We barely had time to say hello.”

“We should go,” you declared, setting the lanyards down in a spot so you two wouldn’t lose them.

“Baby, it’s a Friday. That’s our date night.”

“We can miss one date night for this, Channie,” you scoffed. “Besides, I’ve never heard of Jung Sungchan not wanting to go see a hockey game. Are you sure you’re my Sungchannie? Were you replaced by an alien or something?”

Sungchan kept his back to you as he started chopping vegetables. “Never mind, you’re right. We should go.”

You narrowed your eyes suspiciously, but didn’t push the issue further. “Alright...”

Sat back down in familiar bleachers, you hugged Sungchan’s arm tightly, buzzing with excitement. As much as you had loved watching Sungchan play hockey when you were younger, there was something special about watching it with him, having him explain plays, tell you if a player made the right call, or how he would have done it if he had been captain. Being able to see the sparkle in his eye up close as he watched one of his favorite things. You’d seen it plenty of times in the years that you stayed local while he got his PhD. Which is how you knew that something was wrong now, even as he tried to flash a smile at you every so often, ones that never reached his eyes. He didn’t join in the cheers very enthusiastically, and never engaged when the other guys around him tried to debate calls that the refs made.

You found out that the whole team from your senior year had been invited as well, though some of them couldn’t make it. So it was you, Sungchan, Mark, Ten, Jeno, and Chenle in the VIP section. Yangyang was staying abroad with his parents, while Sicheng was at a seminar for work. Chenle was of course invited as an honorary member of the team, fresh off a plane from Paris with that promotion in his pocket.

Donghyuck was Good. He had been great when he was on the Raptors, obviously, which was how he had gotten scouted to go pro, but now he was great. And this was just a preseason scrimmage, just him messing around. You were sure he was scary good when he was actually trying at their real games. He’d kept his old number from college, 66, and seemed to have his own legion of fans with posters and signs.

When the game was finally over—and Donghyuck’s team won—a representative from the team corralled everyone with the VIP lanyards and directed you towards a different area while the rest of the stands filtered out. You kept your hold on Sungchan’s hand as you waited in what you were pretty sure was the women’s locker room for your old friend.

Finally, Donghyuck ran in, and everyone immediately swarmed him, hooting and hollering, slapping him on the back, ruffling his hair, and making teasing remarks about being a big shot now.

“Mark!” Donghyuck threw his arms around his old Big’s neck, nearly knocking his friend over.

“Christ, dude,” Mark wheezed, stumbling back a couple steps. “Are you still wearing your gear or something?”

“Did you not keep up with our lifting regiment?” Donghyuck shamelessly felt up Mark’s arms, then gasped dramatically. “Am I the Big now?”

Mark swatted his hands away. “If you want to pay for all my beer and drive me around in your Lamborghini or whatever, sure.”

“Deal!” The pro player grinned, then turned to the next person, who happened to be you. “Y/N!”

“Hyuck!” You beamed, opening your arms wide for him to throw himself at you as well, only staying up since Sungchan was right behind you to catch you. “Hey, there! God, I can’t believe it! You killed it out there!”

“Thanks!” He let go of you with one arm to wrap it around Sungchan’s neck, pulling him into the hug with both of you. “Oh, it makes me so happy that you two are still together! Are you engaged? Married? Kids? I didn’t have time to ask Sungchan when I called the other week, I was heading into an interview.”

You leaned back as much as he would let you, just enough to show off your ring. “He proposed last year. We’re— eugh!”

You were cut off by Donghyuck tugging you two against him into a tight embrace again. You gave him a pat on the back as you continued, slightly choked with your throat pressed against his shoulder. “We’re looking at a spring wedding…”

“I love you guys so much…” Donghyuck sighed. “All of you. I hope you know that hasn’t changed.”

“We know that, Hyuck.” You coughed, rubbing his back. “Make sure we have your address so we can send you an invite, okay?”

“What did I tell you, Y/N? In undergrad?”

“You told me a lot.” You laughed as he finally let you and Sungchan go. “Some stuff you probably don’t want me to repeat right now.”

“I said you guys were soulmates. I knew you were gonna get married. I knew it.”

“Oh yeah, you did.” You squeezed his hand that he still had a grip on. “Hey, when you retire from pro hockey, you can be a fortune teller.”

“Don’t joke about that, I’m the star player, haven’t you heard?” Donghyuck was practically puffing out his chest. “I’m years off from retirement!”

Sungchan grabbed him by the scruff then, teasingly mussing up his hair. “What did we always tell you about bragging?”

Ten, Jeno, and Mark eagerly joined in on giving him a killer noogie, the four of them managing to keep him in place despite Hyuck being the only one who had remained a professional athlete.

“Ack!” Donghyuck complained as he was surrounded. “Y/N! Chenle! Somebody, help!”

“Promise you’ll buy us dinner with your star player money,” Chenle crossed his arms over his chest as he watched on, “and maybe Y/N and I will convince them to leave you alone.”

“Yeah!” Jeno agreed. “Dinner and drinks and we’ll consider!”

“This is extortion!” Donghyuck yelped.

“Glad to see some things don’t change…” You sighed, shaking your head. “You guys still pick on him.”

“He needs an ego check,” Jeno snorted, his arm now around Donghyuck’s neck.

“I was going to take you all out to dinner anyway!” Donghyuck pleaded. “Didn’t you people read the letters?”

“It was in the letter, guys,” you confirmed loudly.

The guys all looked at each other, slowly releasing their holds on the youngest. With sweet, proud smiles, they fixed his hair and straightened his branded hoodie back up, smacking his shoulder and patting his cheek between compliments of how well he played and specific moves he did, giving feedback on certain things he could improve on still. Donghyuck rolled his eyes at the constructive criticism, but you could see him struggling to suppress the fond curl of his lip at being surrounded by his old teammates again.

When you finally got home that night, you felt about ready to collapse into bed. You had a tired, happy smile on your face from seeing all your old friends again, and haphazardly tossed your go bag to the side before stepping out of your shoes. Sungchan didn’t follow you into the bedroom, as you had expected. You heard him detour to the kitchen, and your ears perked up with interest as you changed into your pajamas.

Sungchan didn’t just get a glass of water, though. You heard him rooting around in the snacks, and that’s when you got concerned. You had just eaten dinner and had drinks, and he had plenty of bar snacks as you all hung around and caught up after finishing dinner. He shouldn’t be scrounging for a midnight snack already.

After tossing your dirty clothes in the hamper, you ventured out to the kitchen determinedly. Sungchan hadn’t yet found something to eat, a frustrated pout on his face as he pulled out box after box, but didn’t open any.

“Hungry?” You asked curiously, leaning against the fridge.

“No,” he sighed, setting the container of crackers down loudly then rubbing his face harshly.

You held your hand out towards him, and he took it immediately. You led him back through your house by the hand, into your bathroom and let go there. Walking back out through the house, you grabbed his desk chair from your joint home office, and pulled it into the bathroom. He was standing exactly where you left him, and let you wordlessly push him down by the shoulders to sit in the chair. Washing and drying your hands, you then readjusted the chair, making sure he was exactly where you needed him. Then you climbed onto his lap facing him, the two of you perpendicular to your bathroom vanity. You grabbed a fuzzy character headband from one of your drawers and put it on him, pushing his hair back from his face.

“I—”

“Shh.” You stopped him as soon as he opened his mouth, putting your own headband on.

Next, you grabbed your cleanser.

“What—”

“Shh,” you repeated with more emphasis, holding his eye contact firmly, until he gave up and closed his mouth, letting his head fall back against the head rest.

You meticulously went through your whole extended skincare routine, doing each step first on Sungchan, then on yourself. He finally gave up on trying to talk, then finally relaxed, then really relaxed, his eyes fluttering shut and a pleased hum rising in the back of his throat.

“All done, handsome,” you announced at the end, giving his cheeks a final squish between your hands, then pulling off his headband and fluffing up his hair.

Sungchan slowly opened his eyes, reaching up to take your headband off as well.

You smiled down at him. “How are you feeling, Channie?”

“Better, thank you, baby,” he replied quietly.

“You want to talk about it?”

He couldn’t look you in the eye. “About what?”

“Whatever’s been getting you bummed lately. You weren’t all there tonight, I could tell. And the day we got the passes, you didn’t even want to come in the first place. That’s not like you.” You put both your headbands aside on the counter, then stood up off him. “You get changed into your pajamas, I’ll tidy up in here. We’ll talk in a few minutes, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” He nodded, getting up and grabbing the chair to drag back with him.

You wiped down the bathroom counter and tidied up all your bottles and containers, listening to the sounds of Sungchan getting ready in the next room over. When you walked back into your bedroom, you were thrown for a loop as you couldn’t see your fiancé for a moment. You found him in your living room, sitting on your couch and holding a picture frame that usually lived on one of the end tables.

Sitting down beside him, you looked at the picture with him. It was of you two at his last collegiate hockey game, him still in his uniform as he picked you up and spun you around, bright smiles on both your faces. His face now was brooding, jaw clenched and eyes hard as he continued staring at it.

“You got me that for our first anniversary,” you commented softly. “I love that picture.”

“I do too,” he sighed, though his tone was much more bitter than his words.

“Talk to me, Channie,” you murmured. “What’s going on?”

“It feels like I can’t ever move on from this.” He shook the frame. “From being Sungchan the hockey captain. I know you were just joking when you said it but—I don’t want to actually be that guy that peaked in college.”

“Oh, Channie...” you breathed out, draping an arm across his back and leaning your cheek against his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize...”

“It’s not you, baby,” he assured you, squeezing your knee. “It’s everything else. Like I try to do anything else, be anything else, but I’m just dragged back into that stupid jock box again.”

“Well, what do you want to be?” You asked as you sat back up, rubbing up and down the center of his chest soothingly. “Not what you think other people want you to be, or what you think you should be. What do you actually like? What do you want to do? Do you still like hockey? Outside of everybody’s opinions about you liking hockey? It’s okay either way, for you to still like it or not. It was the biggest thing in your life for like twenty years, baby. It’d be ridiculous to expect you to just suddenly not like it as soon as you graduated.”

“Do you really want a husband that just talks about sports all the time while you’re talking about smart stuff?” He sighed, letting his eyes close as he leaned all of his weight against you, his hands dropping to rest the frame in his lap.

“I want a husband that’s you. That’s why I accepted your proposal and not like, Dr. Yoon’s or something.”

“I’m going to assume you’re being hyperbolic to make a point and that my research head didn’t actually propose to you. Because if not, then I’m going to stop pouting and write my letter of resignation right now.”

“I’m trying to make a point here.”

“Which is?”

“You’re really underselling yourself, Channie.” You encouraged him to lay his head in the crook of your neck, not letting up your movements on his sternum. “You’re plenty smart. We’ve been together for almost seven years and I still couldn’t keep track of a hockey game if a gun was to my head. Meanwhile you were a whole captain. You had to make decisions on your feet—or, your skates. Not to mention, hm, oh yeah, you have a PhD in molecular biology. Did you forget about that? Doctor Jung?”

“Oh yeah,” he mumbled into your collarbone.

“Oh yeah,” you mimicked him lovingly. “I nearly flunked my bio for non-majors course my freshman year, you know.”

“What?” He squinted up at you. “Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“You knew I was a Bio major, you should’ve asked me for help.”

“I kick myself every day for it,” you replied melodramatically, and finally saw a smile tug at the corner of his lips. “So? Do you think you still like hockey or not?”

He let out a deep sigh. “Yeah, I do. I really do.”

“Good. I’m glad.” You kissed the top of his head. “I want you to do stuff that makes you happy.”

“Coach came and found me at the lab last week... the day we got the VIP passes from Donghyuck. He’s looking for a part-time assistant coach, said I was his first pick,” Sungchan admitted quietly.

“That’s why you were so... off that day, huh?”

“Yeah. It felt like I was handed a pamphlet for a retirement home.”

You chuckled as he reached forward to set the picture down on the coffee table, then grabbed your hand that was on his chest. He looked up at you with heartachingly familiar, big, round doe eyes, ones that hadn’t changed in the ten years since you’d first met.

“I told him no but... I’m thinking maybe I should ask if he’s found someone else yet?”

“I think that’s a great idea, baby.” You pecked his forehead. “Coach Jung… I think I like the sound of that.”

“Yeah?” He grinned, a much different look in his eye as he sat up to his full height, towering over you.

“I don’t know, let me try it again.”

“Go ahead.”

“Coach Jung.” You reached for the back of his neck as he laid you down on your couch, hovering over you. “Yeah, it’s got a nice ring to it, huh? Powerful, sexy. I love a man with a whistle.”

“You’re so dorky,” he snickered, letting you pull his lips down to yours. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more, my Sungchannie.” You cradled his face with both of your hands.

“Lies.” He kissed your lips. “Impossible.” He kissed your neck.

“Says who?”

“Who has the whistle here?”

“You don’t have one yet,” you teased, holding your arms up for him to pull your shirt off. “Assistant Coach Jung.”

Sungchan kissed a trail down your front, stopping above your waistband. “You’re forgetting something, baby.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m a scientist, with a degree and everything, and I say it’s scientifically impossible for anybody to love anybody more than I love my girl.”

You made grabby hands at him, and he rose up from where he had settled between your legs, entirely blocking out the lights above you. You connected your mouths together again, wrapping your arms and legs around him so tightly he had no choice but to lay his entire weight on top of you.

“No fair,” you complained into his mouth. “I just told you I almost flunked Gen Ed bio.”

“You should’ve let me be your sexy tutor, then.” He didn’t sound sympathetic at all.

“Yeah, freshman you all sweaty and nervous in your hockey team hoodie.” You broke apart to giggle. “Real hot stuff, Channie. Literally.”

“You’re lucky you’re the love of my life, or I’d be really hurt at some of the stuff you say to me, you know.”

“You’re right.” You gave him a peck. “I am lucky that I’m the love of your life.”

➠ next | series masterlist | blog masterlist

[niqhtlord01]

Humans are weird: Unlucky Kevin

( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps)

“Who’s that?”

Jib looked up from his lunch platter and followed the direction of Tiy’s nod to the lone human sitting at alone in the cafeteria.

“Ah, that’s right,” Jib remarked as he returned his attention to his food, “I forgot you just transferred in so you wouldn’t know the most famous human on the ship.”

“You need to stay away from them at all costs.” Jib finished as he took a bite of the Tunga sticks.

“Why? I heard humans are friendly.” Tiy remarked as her interest was now peaked. “They do not look like they are dangerous.”

Jib shook his head. “You don’t get it; that’s “Unlucky Kevin”.”

“What?”

Tiy snickered at the name but stopped when Jib’s expression did not soften. “You can’t be serious?”

“I am.” He replied coldly.

“What makes them unlucky?”

“Everyone around him dies.”

Tiy leaned over to look at this Kevin but Jib moved himself into her line of sight blocking her.

“Don’t even look in his direction.” He cautioned. “You don’t want to be caught in his death field.”

The look of confusion must have chipped away some of Jib’s nonresponse as he set down his fork and decided to explain further.

“That human is called Kevin Donger. He originally served in the 113th tactical terran  legion when the campaign started.”

“The 113th?” Tiy replied, “But I thought they all died during the failed drop on Morgus III?”

Jib shook his head. “Everyone but Kevin did. He was the only survivor and was then transferred to the 43rd mechanized terran legion.”

Tiy’s eyes widened at this news. “Didn’t they-“

“-get wiped out during the Springs Offensive on Hape Prime; all of them but him at which point he was transferred to the 800thdrop force.”

“Who-“

“-got annihilated at the final siege of Ogmar Fortress on Ceptus IV.” Jib cut in yet again.

Tiy sat in silence as Jib rattled off several more distinguished terran formations that this Kevin had been transferred to, and each having fallen to a terrible fate on the battlefield. At the end Tiy sat in silence and only now began averting her gaze from the human as the circumstances finally seemed to catch up to her.

“If this is true,” Tiy spoke softly, “why is he still at the frontlines and on our ship?”

Jib shrugged. “Word was he is being sent to his new assignment on Keff V and we were the only ship heading there.”

“Does that not mean we are in danger of dying as well?” Tiy remarked as from the corner of her eye see saw the human getting up and begin to leave the cafeteria.

“I pray to the gods that we are-“ -------------------------------------

“This is Captain Morris; we’ve found the wreckage of the Temen Song and are beginning our search for survivors.”

Looking out from the bridge view screens Morris was not hopeful of the last part. Strewn across the empty void of space before his ship was the blasted remains of a Terengi transport ship. Its hull was breached in several dozen places and it looked as if its engine components had violently torn themselves free from the vessels superstructure like rockets fired from a launcher.

“Any idea what could have done this?”

Morris nodded sadly at his second in command’s question.

“Judging by the layout of damage I would wager a jump drive failure while they were in transit.” He pointed to the deep gouges that ran along the hull of the vessel. “The engines overloaded and traveled faster than the vessel was capable of keeping up and as a result the engines dislodged themselves from the ship and pulled several power conduits out along with them like removing veins from a body.”

His second nodded. “The sudden exit from jump transition coupled with unstable power fluctuations would trigger a critical overload of the power core.” She remarked as the pieces finally fell into place. “If that is the case I’m surprised even this much of the ship is left intact.”

“I’ve got a life sign reading.”

The pair turned from their command platform and looked over at the scanning officer. “I’m reading one life pod at coordinates 237-954 by 716-719.”

With a nod from Morris the screens of the command deck shifted to focus on the new location. Drifting amongst the wreckage was indeed a lone life pod, battered but fully intact.

“How many onboard?” Morris asked.

The scanning officer took a few moments to confirm his readings before replying “Only one sir; and they’re human.”

[general-cyno]

it's dressrosa time for more zolu rambles. there were some really good and funny bits like zoro being (unsurprisingly) on board with luffy's idea of fighting the emperors

luffy charging right after zoro when he gets his sword stolen bc it looks fun (though he ends up in the tournament instead)

zoro getting absolutely sidetracked from his very important mission of going back to the sunny to help the others bc he saw luffy participating in the tournament, then again when he saw luffy in person (he wanted to be invited too!)

luffy happily and without hesitation agreeing to zoro's crazy plan for the lift

cheers to luffy's casual, unwavering faith in zoro!

zoro just letting luffy do whatever he wants and manhandle him around with a simple "yeah sure where we going" compared to law who is decidedly Not Even Remotely Used to this kind of treatment

their gremlin braincell once again shining through as they both laugh at pica (much to law's continuous exasperation)

I also liked how confidently luffy decided and told zoro he'd continue ahead while zoro chose to stay behind and deal with pica, yet again demonstrating luffy's casual but firm trust that zoro can handle things and protect others in his stead, while he takes care of the biggest threats. zoro's own taunting and smug "our captain wants nothing to do with a pebble like you, so you have to make do with me" at pica was good too lol.

when zoro finally defeats pica and side characters, in awe of his strength, are baffled that someone so powerful is luffy's "henchman"? also peak.

two other things I enjoyed, albeit not necessarily involving zoro and luffy directly, were:

- zoro taking the lead, attempting to stop doflamingo's birdcage by force and doing so by asking for ppl's help (showcasing his willingness to guide as much as rely on others when it's needed) which drove folks to actively follow him in a similar fashion to how they tend to do with luffy. in a way, zoro's determination uplifted ppl's spirits + the whole thing helped keep civilians and others safe while luffy recuperated enough to finish off doflamingo. it's no wonder zoro was one of the few straw hats to stay behind in dressrosa, since that's the kind of feat someone like him (as luffy's first mate/second in command) can accomplish. really highlights zoro's role in the crew and why luffy's belief in zoro's reliability, of him being able to handle dire situations and protect ppl on his own without luffy having to worry abt/over him is a recurring and important part of their overall relationship. usopp desperately asking zoro to save him back during the pica ordeal and hugging him afterwards in relief as other characters thanked him too, was a funny and sweet way to acknowledge this as well.

- this interaction between luffy and rebecca:

can't say whether it was intentional or not, (probably not since these chapters are wildly apart from each other) but it made me think of luffy and zoro's first meeting, and how luffy ultimately decided to make zoro part of his crew after he asked to be fed the stomped riceballs and for luffy to tell rika they were delicious. these two are so very similar on a fundamental level, even if they still retain certain differences and distinct approaches depending on the situation, and it was nice to see another reminder of it. both luffy and zoro are, at their core, strong and kind characters (though in a curiously selfish manner) who don't hesitate to acknowledge and repay the kindness they're offered in turn. imo it's cool how these shared traits have allowed them to understand and stay alongside each other to this point.

edit: forgot to mention but sabo entrusting the crew with luffy's safety and giving them luffy's vivre card (handing it to zoro specifically) as zoro fondly remarks how he resembled ace back in alabasta was just. really really good as well. esp when you consider how much the crew loves luffy, and what zoro himself has done to protect him.

[footprintsinthesxnd]

Good Girl

So this has been the long awaited ‘Kinky Ron’ fic requested by @ronsparky which sparked the whole creation of the discord chat with @malarkgirlypop. It is finally here and will most likely be in two parts of people want to see what happens. I’m sorry this fic took so long Jess but I hope you like it. Warnings: sexual images, swearing, Winters being awkward, kinky Ron, themes of war

Bastogne had been cold but Haguenau wasn’t much better. The wind bit fiercely at her face, freezing the tip of her nose and chapping her lips as she marched, head down, hands balled into fists. She couldn’t believe it. How was it when something went wrong it always seemed to be her damn fault? It’s not like Easy was her company, she was just a Corporal for Christ's sake but for some reason known only to God, Ronald Speirs had it in for her and regardless of the situation he would call her for a little chat.

Her boots sounded loudly up the corridor, snow and mud flaking off on the rotten wooden floor. First Sergeant Lipton greeted her with a small smile from beneath his mountain of blankets, his voice weak and shaky as he told her to take a seat.

“Just stay calm, Y/n. I’m sure it’s not as bad as it seems.

“That’s easy for you to say, Sir,” Y/n reminded him of the last time Speirs had called her to his office and Lipton had nearly lost his head to a flying plate.

Heavy footfall from the left caused Y/n to stand, her hand swiftly saluting the three offices as they entered the room. Winters and Nixon nodded at her before heading out, still deep in their conversation and leaving her with Speirs who looked as though he was about to blow his top.

“Y/l/n, with me. NOW!” Y/n trailed along like a dejected puppy, her head hanging low as she waited for the onslaught that was to come. Speirs slammed the heavy, oak door behind her but she didn’t jump. This exact situation had happened enough times that it barely phased her anymore.

“Corporal, why do you think I’ve called you here?” Speirs asked, leaning against the desk in the centre of the room. He had his overcoat off and the sleeves of his jumper rolled up, revealing the bulging veins of his arms as he glared at her.

“No, Sir,” Y/n replied innocently and she noticed the very subtle change in his eyes. She was in for it now.

“Well funny enough I didn’t expect to find one of the finest medics in the company having a snowball fight with some of the replacements. We’re in a war zone for fuck sake. You’ve been through Bastogne, I’d have thought you could have been trusted, could have been relied on but…”

“Sir, it was just for a few minutes. We were back from the line by our billet. The boys are homesick, Sir.”

“HOMESICK. FUCKING HOMESICK! How long has it been since you’ve seen home, Corporal,” he demanded, his eyes wild and his jaw shaking with the effort to not explode.

“Nearly two years, Sir,” she muttered, toeing her boot into the floor.

“And how long has it been for them? Two weeks? If anyone should be homesick it’s us. The Toccoa men. The men who have been through hell and back and are still fighting. I rely on you to set a good example and if I can’t trust a medic. Well, who the hell can I trust?”

Y/n picked at the cuff of her frayed uniform, “will that be all, Sir?”

“Yes, you may go.”

Y/n saluted the Lieutenant before heading to the door, she was pulling it closed behind her when Speirs spoke. “Do you want a drink?”

“I’m sorry, Sir?” Y/n raised an eyebrow as she peaked around the edge of the door.

“A drink? I managed to find some half-decent whiskey that Captain Nixon had yet to drink. Would you like a glass?”

Y/n wasn’t sure what to say, she wanted to get the hell away from his harsh glare as soon as possible but she was also curious. Why did he suddenly want to have a drink with her? For all Y/n knew he couldn’t stand the sight of her.

“Ummm, alright. Thank you, Sir.”

Y/n took a seat on the dark, leather sofa to the left of the desk, cautiously on the edge in case she was mistaken and needed to make a run from an angry Lieutenant.

“Here,” Speirs hesitantly passed her a glass of the amber liquid and she took it gratefully, the alcohol burning her throat pleasantly as it slipped down. She hadn’t had good alcohol since the celebration when Easy received their jump wings. The rest of the time it had been lukewarm, foamy beer.

“So, how are you holding up?” Speirs watched her from afar, his dark eyes boring into her as he waited.

“I’m fine. Thank you, Sir.” How else was she supposed to reply? She couldn’t exactly tell him how much she hated the God-awful hell hole and could wait to be back somewhere that was warm and allowed her to feel her limbs once more.

“Good. That’s good.” Speirs swirled the orange liquid around his glass, having not taken a drink yet and instead glared at the liquid as if someone gave him a sour aftertaste without consuming it.

“Sir, is there something you wanted to discuss?” Y/n wanted answers, there were only so many times she could avoid his eye contact and swallow nervously.

“Not especially. I just… wanted some company.” Speirs admitted, turning to look out of the window onto the deserted streets below. Y/n sat very still, her eyes tracing over his frame, strong shoulders tensed, large hands leaning splayed against the window frame.

“I can feel you watching me,” Speirs spoke in a hushed tone but Y/n knew he heard her small intake of breath. “I always know when you're watching me.”

“Sir, I…”

“Don’t deny it. I watch you too, you know. I watch when you stock supplies, I watch you when you throw back your head and your eyes crease as you laugh. I watch you more than you realise.”

By this point, Speirs had turned to face her and Y/n didn’t know whether to be flattered or terrified as the lieutenant approached her.

“Sir?” Y/n couldn’t help the unsteadiness of her voice and her eyes grew wider as he knelt before her, his hands tracing up her thigh.

“We can’t deny ourselves of human touch, Corporal. Desires of the flesh”

“Lieutenant Speirs…Sir… I,” Y/n gasped as his hand slipped up further under her jacket, fumbling with the belt that secured her trousers. With his body hovering over her, Y/n couldn’t remember how to breathe, the air entered her lungs in short, sharp gasps as she felt his fingers travelling along the soft flesh of her stomach.

“Please,” she whispered, feeling completely pathetic but no longer able to care. “Please just touch me.”

“Oh Darling, I thought you’d never ask.”

Y/n wasn’t sure what happened next, the order of events was a blur but soon enough she was moaning into Ron’s neck, her hips rolling in time with the rhythm of his fingers against her clit. She withered beneath him, nails wracking down his clothed back but Ron didn’t seem to notice. The knot in Y/n’s stomach was tightening and she could feel her thighs beginning to shake with the effort of controlling herself from reeling off a string of profanities when the door flung open.

“Speirs, could you…” Lieutenant Winters stood frozen in the doorway, the apple in his hand long forgotten and his cheeks blushed the colour of the hair on his head. He gulped and Y/n felt herself trying to clamp her legs shut and move away from Ron but the grip he had on her hips was firm and unwavering.

“Yes, Major Winters?” Speirs asked as if he wasn’t seconds away from giving Y/n the orgasm of her life.

“I’ll come back at another time,” Winters shook his head avoiding eye contact with Y/n and pulling the door closed softly behind him. Y/n felt herself let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding and glared up at Ron who was just smiling smugly at her.

“Ron, I swear to God…”

“Now, now or I’ll forget to play nice,” Ron winked at her and Y/n thought she could fall apart just from that one action. Her mouth snapped shut and Ron snickered, “That’s what I thought. Good girl.”

Tags: @iceman-kazansky @yeahcurrahhe-e @lieutenant-speirs @sharpshootershifty @liberteuniteegalite @msmercury84 @mayhem24-7forever @blvestxr @dustyjumpwjngs @theflyingfin @jump-wings @kafka-ohdear @kmc1989 @mads-weasley @docroesmorphine @liptonsbabe @lena-basilone @sweetxvanixlla @hesbuckcompton-baby @ronsparky @allthingsimagines @whollyjoly @bucky32557038ww2 @panzershrike-pretz @xxluckystrike @malarkgirlypop

[matchaverse]

Idk how to farm it but can u do a logan!greekgod and reader is a pirate who did worship him but wasn't loyal that much but the pirate is stuck in a terrible storm

The Storm | LS2

pairing: greek god!logan x fem!pirate!reader

summary: coming from a family of pirates that worshipped the sea god, you always doubted it since it never seemed that he made a difference in your life until one day you’re stuck at sea with your crew during one of the worst storms of the year.

warning: cussing and drinking

Age 7.

“grab the offerings honey” your father says as he packs up his truck full for the two month long voyage on the ship.

you nod and and rush into the house, running past your mother as you head to the kitchen to find the Myrrh and frankincense.

your mother smiles softly as she sees your little hands grabbing the jars and running back outside to the dock with your father.

“here you go papa” your small soft voice rings out as you hand them to him. your father ruffles your hair as he take the jars, placing them into the trunk and locking it up.

“you know why we make offerings to the lord of the sea?”

“to keep us safe out on the ocean”

your father nods at your response, kneeling down to your level. “that’s correct baby, we want to stay safe out there and lord logan sticks to his word”.

- - - - - - -

Ten years later, age 17.

and you believed that, you believed it for years until the year of your 17th birthday when your father, his ship and crew were lost at sea.

from that day forward you didn’t believe in the sea god, you stopped giving him offerings, you just stopped because what’s the point in giving offerings to a god that’s supposed to keep people safe out on the ocean when he couldn’t even keep your own father safe.

“sweetheart, would you like to come pray with me?” your mother asks, peaking her head outside the front door to see you standing on the dock looking out into the sea.

“why? there’s no point” you scoff.

you hear your mothers soft sigh and her footsteps echo on the wood of the dock.

“you cannot hold a grudge over lord logan for what happen to your father”

“i can and i will!” your voice raising with frustration. “for years papa has dedicated his life to that deity and he can’t keep my papa safe..? it’s not fair, and i will never give that god the satisfaction of anything again.”

all your mother can do is sigh and head back into the cold, sad home you two share.

- - - - - - -

“why must you follow his footsteps?” your mother asks as she watches your crew carry trunks on the ship.

“it’s in our blood mama, it’s who we are”

your mom shakes her head at your response.

“you’re still young baby..why can’t you stay with me. g-get a job here in town?”

you walk up to your mother and grab her hands, holding them in your own.

“mama..please, i need to do this for papa. i’m going to find his ship, i don’t believe his dead.”

“y/n…it’s been months”

“no body was found”

- - - - - - -

months out on the sea and you haven’t found any trace of your fathers ship. you keep hoping that you’ll find something, anything, because if not then you just wasted not only your time but the time of your crew on this journey.

you sit in your office, looking over the map to figure out which direction you’d like to head in. you hear the chatter and laughter of your crew throughout the whole ship.

the crew is drinking and having a good time to celebrate the months out on the sea, drinking and enjoying themselves is the only pass time you honestly have on the ship.

you truly appreciate every single one of them for coming out here with you because during this time you all have find so much treasure, from deserted islands to taking over other pirates ships. you always make sure to divide it up evenly, even though you give yourself less since you don’t care for the money or treasure.

the only thing you care about is finding out what happen to your father. 

“captain!” a crew member yells from the front of the ship. you jump out of your chair and rush to the noise.

“what? what’s wrong?” you ask looking confused as you look around at the crew.

“there’s a storm coming, and it looks bad”

your eyes widen as your head jerks to the direction the man was pointing. dark storm clouds looking almost black. the waves have started to move faster and higher, lightning cracks in the distance.

your heart drops to your stomach and your blood runs cold. “no..no this can’t be happen.” you think to yourself. it hadn’t rained in months since you’ve been out on the ocean but now? now it wants to happen.

just your fucking luck. the moment you get closer to the destination your father was heading in is when a storm wants to come. you can only blame the sea god, lord logan is punishing you for not believing in him anymore hadn’t he? this is your punishment? the death of you and your crew?

“lock everything down, and hold on tight” you tell the men. watching the scramble as they hurriedly get the tasks done before we head into the eye of the storm.

you stand there as you feel the rain droplets hitting your skin. you glare up into the sky, you won’t let this god punish you, it’s his fault you don’t believe. his, not yours. if only he did his job and kept your father safe.

- - - - - - - -

hours, it’s been hours and the storm is only getting worse. you sent the crew downstairs into the belly of the ship to keep them safe as you continue to bare the storm and steer the ship, or at least try.

crew members below pray to the lord of the sea to keep them safe, to get out of this storm unharmed. you scoffed at their attempts of prayers but soon you realize that the storm is getting worse and the lives of these men rest in your hands.

biting back your pride, you look up to the sky and shout hoping lord logan is listening.

“lord of the sea! please hear my plead..”you sigh before continuing. “keep my crew safe, i don’t care for myself but don’t let them die. keep them safe and i am forever in your debt.”

“in my debt?” you hear a males voice in your head. your eyes widen, you’ve never heard the voice of the god in your whole life and now he’s speaking to you? when you’re begging for the life of your crew?

“yes! just lead us out of this storm and my life is yours” you yell out into the air.

at your words, the sky slowly opens up, you finally see the sun after hours of darkness. your ship makes it way through the ocean, exiting the deadly storm.

a bright light shines right next to you, a figure of a young man appears. you stare at the man, his blond hair, toned body, and handsomely looking face makes your eyes widen with surprise but also awe.

“cat got your tongue?” that same voice you heard in your head is coming from the man’s mouth.

this is the sea god, this is lord logan.

“thank you..” you say softly.

“no need to thank me, it’s my job” he says with a smile.

your face contorts into a stern expression at his words. “your job?” you scoff. “you suck at your job, you couldn’t keep my father safe”.

logan looks confused at your comment. “what? no that’s not true, i did my best to keep him and his crew safe, it wasn’t the storm that killed them, it was sirens”

“what?”

“sirens were in the waters, i sent a storm out there to make it hard for the crew to hear the songs they were singing but..my storm wasn’t strong enough”

you stand there confused and angry, confused about what the god did to try and save your father but also angry that your father let sirens lure him to his death.

“it’s hard to accept, i know. and im truly sorry i couldn’t do more but sirens don’t listen to me, they don’t care for our olympian laws” logan continues.

“this whole time..i thought you didn’t care for him”

“i care for all my followers, even ones who stray away from the belief..”

your eyes look up to meet logan’s deep blue ones and all you can do is sigh.

“thank you again..and i’m so sorry for my anger over the years..like i said, im forever in your debt”

logan chuckles, with a soft smile. “no need for debt or anything, just burn some offerings once in a while for me”

“now turn the ship around and head home..keep your crew safe” he says after a few moments of silence, before the bright light hits your eyes again and he disappears just as quickly as he arrived.

you let out a deep sigh before turning course of the ship.

“thanks lord logan..” you say softly as you sail the ship and the crew back to the shore, hoping for a nice easy months trip back.

- - - - - - -

a/n: WOAH! this took a very long time but i hope you enjoy. please drop some requests in the inbox (i am getting through the other requests i have rn) and let me know if you enjoyed this or if there is spelling mistakes 🤍🤍

[pooks]

alright, time to dive into part 5; the Alabasta Saga feat. straw hat!Ichiji

into the Grand Line and encountering Laboon

we start first at the Reverse Mountain Arc, where our heroes passes the Red Line and into the Grand Line. Ichiji is very excited and unfortunately, gets a massive panic-induced anxiety attack.

i mean, come on. first, they nearly crash into the mountain when they're riding on the stream up the mountain, then they almost crashed into a giant whale and then, they get EATEN by the same whale

Ichiji stays with his crew while Luffy got (briefly) seperated from them. Ichiji is very confused about how they ended up in a resort (?) inside the whale and meets the strange old man, Crocus.

compared to the rest, Ichiji appreciates Crocus' sense of humor and finds him very humorous.

Ichiji is very touched by the story of Laboon and the pirates he's waiting for. like Sanji, he's realistic about the possible theory that the pirates might be dead.

he is, just like the others, very agitated and panics when Luffy decides to fight Laboon...and in his weird way, makes a promise to return.

log poses and two weirdos

after they gets to the surface, Nami notices that the two weirdos who tried to kill Laboon, Mr.9 and Miss Wednesday, are missing. Ichiji coldly says that he doesn't care what happened to them and they could get eaten by giant sea squids. Nami gives him a slap on the head for his tactless remark while Sanji laments to her that his older brother is a little petty and holds onto grudges too easily.

Ichiji is concerned when Nami panics about her compass malfunctioning when she draws plans for their Grand Line journey. when they got the explanation about log poses, the magnetism in the Grand Line, Ichiji remarks that he forgot something and pulls up a small leather book.

Sanji recognizes it and yells at him why he has it. Ichiji, with a small smirk, tells them that Zeff gave him his old logbook, which contains his detailed journey in the Grand Line. Sanji seethes a little, obviously jealous that Zeff trusted Ichiji with his prized logbook.

Ichiji instead asks Crocus if log poses was common to buy in the Grand Line and gets the bad news that they would be, unfortunately, stuck at Twin Capes since they can't travel without a log pose. then Luffy reveals having a log pose, the very one Mr.9 dropped.

Luffy and Sanji ends up accidently breaking it, though, and Ichiji takes this as a sign to return to the ship, not in the mood of dealing with his little brother and his silly romance antics.

later, then they're approached by Mr.9 and Miss Wednesday and being asked to travel to Whiskey Peak, Ichiji is against it since he doesn't trust people who just tried to kill their whale friend. his vote is vetoed, since Luffy decides to go to Whiskey Peak anyways and captain's word is law.

the straw hats, along with their new guests, sets sail for Whiskey Peak and Ichiji briefly wonders if their new destination has their namesake drink. Usopp wonders why, which Ichiji reveals it's his favorite drink.

Whiskey Peak, a town that welcomes pirates?

upon docking by Whiskey Peak, where they're greeted by a large crowd that seems to adore and welcome pirates, Ichiji is suspicious. he's grown up with a lot of pirate tales from the Baratie and he knows that people welcoming pirates is very rare.

he's visibly annoyed when Usopp, Luffy and Sanji instantly falls for the welcome. during the party in a tavern, Nami is easily lured into a drinking game for some prize money. Ichiji and Zoro bonds a little over their suspicions, being the only ones with rational mindsets. Zoro reveals to Ichiji, being on his 12th drink, that he actually likes Sanji but gets annoyed with his constant womanizing. he also tells that he finds a good friend in Ichiji. the latter appreciates his honesty.

Ichiji, still being suspicious of the overly warm welcome by the town, cooks up a plan in his head. he puts on an act and feigns a migraine, asking the "mayor" if there's a quiet place he can sleep. Ichiji "sleeps" in a smaller room, but takes his chance to quickly make a decoy doll (made up from sacks of potatoes ) and hides it under the bed he's borrowing. when he's being checked on, Ichiji is lying on the bed and pretends to sleep.

while his crew has seemingly collapsed by exhaustion, Ichiji takes his chance to place the decoy on the bed and sneak outside onto the rooftops to investigate his surroundings. he overhears the exchange between Zoro and the "townspeople" and realizes that they're in a bounty hunters' nest. he hides inside an empty house and as soon as a bounty hunter runs past, he ambushes him and steals the clothes and weapons, successfully infiltrating the bounty hunters.

revealing princess Vivi and fighting Mr.5 and Miss Valentine

Ichiji sneaks around and evades Zoro, deciding against joining the fight. he knows about Baroque Works and which high-ranking agents are here, but he feels that he's missing an important piece of the puzzle. he also puts his faith in Zoro and decides that his friend got this covered.

we find out that Ichiji has enhances senses, which is proven when he hears the entire reveal of Miss Wednesday's identity; princess Vivi of Alabasta and that the boss of Baroque Works, Mr.0, has ordered her eliminated.

he makes the decision to join the fight, but using the element of surprise to his advantage. when Vivi is cornered by Mr.5 and Miss Valentine, he surprises them by putting a bullet into one of Mr.5's hands.

Ichiji, standing on a high building, takes off a cowboy's hat and it landes by the agents' feet. he lets himself being revealed in the moonlight, introducing himself as Scarlet Ichiji of the Straw Hat Pirates and mocks Baroque Works at the same time.

"Oh, I thought I sensed a foul stence around here. I understand that your highly esteemed boss, Mr.0, sent you two here to this backwater island, just because he felt threatened by a princess finding out his dirty little secrets? How embarrassing. Mr.5 and Miss Valentine, how about you'll return to your boss with the shameful message that Scarlet Ichiji of the Straw Hat Pirates defeated you?"

Zoro, who just intercepted an "explosive booger" from Mr.5, smirks and remarks that now it's a fair fight, obviously happy that Ichiji is here and he made a badass entrance.

Luffy vs. Zoro and escaping Whiskey Peak

Zoro and Ichiji works together to fight their opponents, but they don't get very far when Luffy catches up to them and starts to fight Zoro, due to a misunderstanding

Ichiji is very annoyed by this and he now defends Vivi on his own, fighting Miss Valentine and Mr.5. the latter is still very furious at Ichiji for taking out one of his hands and Ichiji finds Miss Valentine extremely annoying, as her haughty laughter starts to trigger his temper.

the agents gets quickly taken down when Zoro and Luffy are irritated by their interference. Ichiji stays out of their fight and ensures that Vivi is safe. Luffy and Zoro are taken down by a pissed off Nami.

the four straw hats gets a fully explanation from Vivi regarding the state of Alabasta, the civil war, who pulls on the strings and the accidental reveal of the Mr.0; Crocodile, one of the seven warlords

Ichiji remarks that's he couldn't be less surprised about Luffy and Zoro's excited reactions and Nami's despair. things gets worse when the Unluckies discovers them and marks them as wanted. Ichiji takes this as a sign that they have no choice than to deliver Vivi to Alabasta and fight Crocodile.

Nami is especially upset at his lack of reaction and resigning himself to his fate. Ichiji simply smiles at her and tells her that a long time ago, he made a vow to never turn away anyone asking for help.

Igaram, formerly known as Mr.8 and the captain of the guard of Alabasta, plans a decoy to allow the straw hats to safely escape Whiskey Peak and deliver Vivi to Alabasta. Ichiji remarks that a decoy was risky, but he understands the importance of the mission. however, it goes horribly wrong when Igaram's ship is attacked and seemingly dies. the straw hats decides to take the chance to escape now.

Luffy fetches Sanji and Usopp and they all boards the Merry. Sanji and Usopp, being out of the loop, complains and Nami "sets them right".

Miss All Sunday and heading to Alabasta

not long after they've escaped and after both Sanji and Usopp got everything explaineed, they're unnerved by the surprise entrance of Mr.0's partner; Miss All Sunday (aka Nico Robin)

everyone aims their weapons at her, deeming her as a threat to Vivi. Ichiji, in a surprising twist, doesn't gear up for a fight. instead, he looks up at her with folded arms.

Miss All Sunday neutralizes them quicker than they can see. but she takes the chance to look down at Ichiji and asks why he wasn't prepared to attack unlike his captain and crew mates.

"Because you have something to say. Considering that you are partner to Mr.0, you could've had us killed before speaking up. My theory is that you're here for a reason."

the rest of the straw hats are surprised how quickly Ichiji figured it out. Sanji remarks in his mind that Ichiji is the brains between them; the strategist, always trying to figure out the big picture.

Miss All Sunday seems to be interested in Ichiji, both of them having a brief staring match (first Ichiji/Robin moment!) before she offers them an eternal pose that leads to a different, faster route to Alabasta or they take the longer route, where they might be attacked by more agents and reveals they'll head towards a place called Little Garden.

Luffy takes the decision in his head, though and crushes the eternal pose, saying that she doesn't make the decisions on his ship. Miss All Sunday takes her leave in a rather amiable way, saying that they'll meet again.

soon after she's left, Ichiji remarks "what a strange lady", vaguely impressed that she managed to get on their ship undetected. Sanji, swooning over the woman, asks if Ichiji agrees that Miss All Sunday might be a "mellorine" like Nami and Vivi. Ichiji only says a flat "no" before stalking off to the galley.

he opens up a large book with blank pages and starts to write about their recent adventure in Whiskey Peak, taking his duties as the archivist seriously.

(end. part 5)

(read part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4 here)

[antennaed-shidou]

I'm Innocent

♫ Task Force 141 x f! reader

♫ Warning: not prof-read, being tortured, cutting flesh, close to death experience, tied down, blood, rope tied around the body,

♫ Word count: 1K+

♫ In which you were framed

There have been traces of a mole around. There has been no lead to anything and it's been tough for Task Force 141. You sat in the cafeteria looking at the evidence while eating your food. You were looking through it as you heard footsteps walking your way.

You lift your head to see Price and the others around the table. You put the papers down Price sits in front of you. He sighs putting his hands together.

You were confused as to why everyone was around you and why they all seemed disappointed.

Price spoke, "We know who the traitor is, {Y/n}." His tone was flat as he spoke.

A smile was present on your face, "Great who is it, Captain?" You ask a happy tone in your voice as you guys have finally found the traitor.

But when you heard Price say your name, your face fell and your body carried so much weight.

"What. No, I'm innocent. You guys know I would never betray any of you." You pleaded.

No one believed you as they looked in the other direction. Even your so-called students that you trained. They didn't bother to even look at you.

"Guys please believe me..." Your words were cut short when you felt a sharp pain in the leg. You look at your leg to see it is a needle. All of a sudden your eyes felt like they were being pulled down to the floor. You also felt unbalanced like someone was pulling you on one side and not the other.

You woke up in a chair, you tried to move but your hands and legs were tied around the arms and legs of the chair. You struggle in the chair wanting to be set free, but nothing is working.

After a while, some people enter the room. It was your so-called students that entered the room. One of them was holding a pocket knife in his hand.

Your eyes are full of fear as he walks closer and the other stays a little behind.

"I'm sorry, {Y/n}. But if you didn't go behind our backs then this wouldn't happen.'' You could tell by how he spoke he didn't really mean it, or maybe he did and he was hurt at the fact the person he looked up to did such a horrible thing.

"I didn't I really didn't. Please, believe me, Jared!" You pleaded but he didn't listen.

Jared guided the pocket against your arm, blood was slowly dripping out as he cut deeper and deeper. Tears were flowing down your eyes as you tried to keep in the screams. Even though the students weren't on your side, you still tried to show them you were stronger than the rest.

The three in the back covered their eyes, they couldn't stomach seeing the person they looked up to being hurt by one of their coworkers, or even friends. Mille peaked seeing tears flow down your eyes. She couldn't take it and left the room.

Price saw her leave and let her be. He himself didn't want to do this but if so be it, then so be it. You were the traitor and leaked everything you could about Task Force 141. After Jared was done the others left the room as well.

Ghost and a few others entered the room. He stayed away in the corner watching Captain Price talk to you.

"Tell us, {Y/n}," Price yelled. He didn't want to, but no matter what he had to.

"I swear I am innocent!" You yelled tears flowing down your eyes. You tried but no one would listen.

Your blood was spilling out from your body. You felt so tired and helpless. You started in front of you and Ghost was standing right there with a bloody knife in his hand, the knife that he used to make cuts over your body.

Task Force 141 wanted to get the information out of you so that they would stop and let you free, but you didn't say anything because you didn't know anything.

They decided to give you a break as you had passed out. They left the room beside one, Ghost. He stayed with you, he knew the pain that you must be feeling. One problem was that the was one of the people causing the pain.

He left the room shortly after. He saw when he left that your students were watching you. Jared held the knife close that was used to cut his so-called teacher.

Mille was the only person who believed you.

That night she snuck into the room you were being held in and confronted you about it.

"{Y/n}, {Y/n}, wake up." She nudged you seeing you slowly open your eyes.

You were shocked to see Mille by your side. "What the fuck are you doing here. If you get caught they'll think you with me. And I don't want that for you."

"Who do you think framed you?" She asked taking out a notepad and pencil awaiting your answer.

The following day you were yet again tortured, knives were guided against your body, and rope was wrapped around you even so tightly. Yet again you still said nothing because you didn't know anything.

This time you lasted longer, and your throat felt like it was burning in the pits of hell. Your body felt limp and tied so they gave you rest again.

Mille on the other hand was endlessly doing reacher so that you could be set free. And she had finally found solid evidence that would get you out.

She presented it to Price. "Captain Price!" She hollered earning his attention, "I have something to show you." She gave him the pile of paper.

They went back to his office as he looked through the papers. As he read through Mille, could see his widened eyes.

As Price was reading his stomach dropped, he felt terrible for everything he had done to one of his good Lieutenants. He didn't even finish reading everything, he just took off to where {Y/n} was being held.

When you heard the door open you again were prepared for the worst. When you only see Price walk in you are confused, he has nothing in his hands, only a look of regret on his face.

"{Y/n}, you were never the mole were you?"

You're heart sank in your chest. You figured Mille found solid evidence to set you free, and you were glad but in the long run, it showed how much Price didn't believe your words. He had to be told by someone else that you weren't the traitor.

You didn't say anything and you didn't have to either. Price unlocked the chains and ropes that tied you to the chair. You tried to get up but couldn't. Price tried to help you up but you swatted away his hand.

"I'm sorry," He apologized.

For you that wasn't enough, an "I'm sorry" wasn't going to cut it. Milled walked into the room and helped you get up. You left Price to think about his actions.

Mille took you to the cafeteria to get food since you've also been feed poorly these past few days. Everyone turned their heads when they saw you enter the room.

That also must be one thing, you were not the mole. When Ghost saw you his stomach churned. He felt so bad for what he had done to you. He saw all the scars that he caused all over your body.

Mille sat you down and went to go get food for you she came back and set the tray down. "I'm going to get you a change of clothes, I'll be right back, {Y/n}." She says giving her a thumbs up to make sure everything was alright, you gave one back and she went to get more clothes.

As you were sitting there and peacefully eating your food you felt a hand on your shoulder. Your instincts come in and as you are about to hit the person the strength in your body gave out.

You turn, your eyes meeting a skull mask before you can say anything Mille appears.

"Move Ghost. What you did to {Y/n} can not be solved by some solemn apology. So I suggest you leave her alone."

Ghost doesn't want to argue. He knows what he did to you is traumatizing, even worse than anything that happened before you joined.

This is only part one meaning more parts later! I want to try and write for more COD but we will see

[mjolnirswriststrap]

Haunted

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Masterlist

Word Count: 977

Summary: Part 5/6. The knock at the door isn’t who you expected.

Warnings: None.

“Friday, what’s our eta?” Steve yells out, too anxious to control his voice. “Five minutes.”. That wasn’t fast enough for him. Two days ago he was fighting his best friend on a bridge, now some intern is saying he’s in Austria. How did he get here so fast?

“Calm down, we got this.” Natasha gives him a reassuring look. “I know, but it’s Bucky, he acted like he didn’t remember me, what if I can’t get through to him?”

Natasha feels for her friend, but she can’t imagine what he’s going through. The guy Steve described couldn’t be the winter soldier they’d come to know. Something was afoot but they just don’t have all the pieces yet.

“I haven’t been here since I lost him, it hasn’t changed.” He says looking at the snow capped mountains. They see the clearing they designated for landing just ahead of them. Steve squeezes Natasha’s hand giving her one last terrified look.

They land and it was like any other mission, Black Widow and Captain America working perfectly in tandem. Steve swept the woods east of the helicopter, while Nat wordlessly cleared the west side. They met in the middle, facing south, Steve cocked his head towards the tiny clouds of smoke coming from behind a wall a trees.

You can’t even hear their foot steps in the snow as they sneak their way towards the cabin. You and Bucky didn’t hear a thing as you huddled low in the kitchen, it was the closest you’d been to him, maybe it was his military experience telling him what to do, or it was his natural instinct to keep you safe from whatever was outside.

You tightly held on to Bucky, your face buried in his shoulder. “He found me! I knew I shouldn’t have called Darcy.” You begin to cry, why couldn’t you just be free. You hear a knock at the cabin door and your body freezes. Bucky has his right arm tightly wrapped around you, keeping you close. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”.

You look into his icy blue eyes and you know what he said was a promise. You nod to him as he lets go of you and stands. He cautiously walks to the door, peering out of the window. All Bucky can see is two shadows through the frosted glass. He opens the door, holding his breath, waiting for a fight.

When he’s greeted by the face of his nightmare his heart skips a beat, which is odd, he hadn’t really felt it since he woke up in the snow. “Steve?”, he looks between his friends squinted eyes.

“Buck?” Steve sounds like his heart is breaking. Bucky watches as his eyes soften, this isn’t the Steve from his dream, he wasn’t out to kill him. Without another word Bucky crosses over the threshold, bear hugging his best friend. He doesn’t let go, even when the red headed woman beside them clears her throat.

You waddle to the front door and peak your head around the corner. It wasn’t who you expected. Bucky was squeezing the life out of Captain America, while Black Widow stood there looking utterly in shock.

Steve finally returns Bucky’s hug, understanding this isn’t the same man from the bridge. Bucky releases his friend for a second to say, “I thought I’d never see you again.”.

You never seen two grown men cry before. But here they were, Bucky sobbing into his friends shoulder while Steve stood there letting the tears fall down his cheeks. “It’s really you Bucky?” Steve can’t believe it.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Bucky relents from the hug. Steve looks into his teary eyes, “You don’t remember fighting on the bridge?”.

“My last fight was with you, on the train. I’ve been here ever since.” Bucky feels his heart again, but this time it’s racing. What could Steve possibly be talking about? He’d never fought on a bridge.

“You need to come with us.” The red headed woman said, pointing between you and Bucky. Your eyebrows raise, how were you getting out of this one?

“She’s not going anywhere.” Bucky finally looks away from his friend, now keeping his promise to you. He gives the black widow a murderous look. “There’s the winter soldier!” She says, taping Steve and pointing at Bucky’s face. She was done with today, this was not what she expected.

“Not funny, Nat.” Steve says, giving her a shameful look. He leans past Bucky, into the house. “You really do need to come with us, we can explain on the flight back.”.

With orders from Captain America you’re nodding your head. You couldn’t fight him on this, whatever he had going on was far more important than your disgust for New York. You grab your phone from the kitchen counter, pulling on your thick winter jacket. “Yes, sir.”.

Bucky gives you a look, silently asking if this really was okay. You give him a small smile, this was out of your hands now, you were just along for the ride.

You all packed into the helicopter, no words were exchanged between you as you lifted off from the ground. Your head was spinning, this might be too much for you to handle, but you had to push through, you couldn’t imagine how weird this is for Bucky or Captain America.

You lean your head against the window, letting your eyes close. The adrenaline is gone, leaving you exhausted. Right when you feel yourself drift off to sleep, you hear the woman say “Where did he go?” You look around the small cabin, Bucky’s seat was empty, no indentation showing that he was even there.

You look between the two Avengers, they looked to you for answers. “Did I mention to Darcy that I think he’s a ghost?” You say, scratching the top of your head.

[theknightmarket]

"We've made it this far."

In which the Engineer and the captain are released from the effects of the wormhole, as they've always wanted. TW: cursing, angst, slight reference to gore Pages: 26 - Words: 9,500

[Requests: OPEN]

“Please, just hold on.” 

After dying so many times, it was weird to be on the edge of it. You’d tossed yourself off the cliff enough to memorize the feeling of falling, of becoming weightless and letting everything go – like a kind of acceptance, even if you were going not of your own volition. It had always been okay, though, because you’d come back seconds later, spat back up from a raging ocean with salt and spray into the arms of that cryo-pod. 

“I can get you out of here, don’t worry, I can do it.” 

But this time, you were looking down, your feet on the ground and the water seeming so far away. You had to make the choice now, of staying on that crumbling cliff, battled by the wind, and forced to stare straight at the fate you were faced with, or letting your feet shift and lose traction. 

“Come on, please, I know you can do it.” 

In theory, it was an easy decision, but you didn’t want to have to work for it anymore. You had done the hard part, the surviving at the peak, and now, you knew that this would be the last time. It wasn’t as though you could take a step back; you would always be watching the tips of the waves snap at you. You didn’t want to watch anymore.

You croaked out a simple, “Mark…” 

Your faithful engineer, kneeled at your side, likely for the last time. He wasn’t going to fall. He couldn’t. 

“No, no, please, don’t do that, just a little longer,” his pleads reached your ears well, but you forced yourself to ignore them, “our medics will be here, just wait.”

“Mark, I can’t.”

“No, you can, you have to!” Guilt tapped at the edge of your mind, you didn’t let it in, and it stayed right where it was. “Please.”

“I’m sorry,” you sighed. You were. You really were. 

“Come on, the- the colony haven’t said goodbye, the crew…” His thought went unfinished, but you understood him. You always did, even when he didn’t understand himself. You were half sure he didn’t know what he was saying, the panic and dread overwhelming him in a fight for majority. 

You assured him, “They’ll be fine.”

“Not without you.” 

“Mark, look,” a cough wracked your upper body like an earthquake, “look at it all, we’ve made it this far, haven’t we?”

You were so damn proud of him, of the whole ship, of everything. You never told him directly, so you could only hope he knew. It would make this whole thing easier if he knew that you were proud of him, that you trusted him. He’d be easier on himself.

“Not far enough! We still have more to do, we- we can’t do it without you. You’re our captain.” A distant memory from just a few days before floated to the forefront of your mind. It was hazy, corrupted by the pain, but it was there. “You’re my captain.”

A deep breath in, as far as the pressure would allow you, before you whispered, “You built the ship, you hired the crew, you fixed the warp-core.” 

And suddenly you wished that you hadn’t been able to take that breath – that you had stayed silent and let the moment envelop you. The spark of realisation that you cherished in Mark’s eyes dug a pit in your stomach. 

“No,” was all you could say with what little energy you had left.

“But—”

“Uh-uh. Not this time.” 

You couldn’t, he couldn’t, neither of you would be able to handle another round of what you went through together. That quality of stubbornness you both possessed would surely fail you, abandoning you to the madness of eternity, worse if you failed.

“Why not!? I know how to do it, and we know how to fix it.”

“We got off on chance, you’re not trying that again, Mark, I can’t—”

Shit. That little energy was becoming smaller and smaller, but neither did you have it in you to let Mark create another wormhole. You couldn’t live with yourself if he gave you a second chance. 

“I’m not losing you,” you muttered, “and, yeah, I know how ironic that is.” 

You wanted to laugh, but all that burning the candle at both ends was catching up to you. The numbness that had crept up on your legs hours ago was lurching onto your torso. It wouldn’t be long before it was biting through your arms and neck, and you wouldn’t be aware of it when it reached your temple. 

“So, hey, just… just give me this. Please?”

The look in his eyes washed away. Leaving Mark like this was not your plan, but when had the universe ever listened to you? You could be thankful that you hadn’t gone insane in a place lightyears from your home, that Mark was not leaving you. You admitted that it was a selfish thought, but you didn’t think you could keep going if you lost him. You’d fought hard, but now you were done fighting. You knew he could do it for you.

And so did he. It was a cold admittance that he wouldn’t be the one to save you, this time. It felt all too much like giving up on the person who had sacrificed themself time and time again for him. Although it left a poor taste in his mouth – bitter, unwelcome, downright painful – you had proven to be steadfast in your decisions. There was going to be no convincing you.

“I love you.” If Mark was given a do-over, no strings attached, that would not be the first time he was saying it to you, aloud, just the two of you, and it wouldn’t be the last. 

And maybe he would have gotten to hear it from you just once. 

Your final breath cascaded against his knees, a waterfall that seemed eons from growing dry but dripped slowly into the grave it dug for itself. There was no sound, no last rites read, except for the heartbroken sob that broke free from Mark’s chest, echoing around the cavern walls.

Seeing the sun after so long in space was strange. Of course, you could look out of one of the many windows that Mark had installed and see a sun, but to stand in the rays of light from the sun of this galaxy? It made you want to brush off your duties, it made you want to throw your jacket off and run into the forest, it…

It made you miss Earth.

After exploring space for so long, you were always surprised that, wherever you landed, you felt homesick in the bottom of your stomach. The feeling slept when you were in transit and reared its head when you started to set up a colony, but it never truly disappeared after that. Hell, not even the visits back to your birth planet fixed the issue. The best thing you came up with was bringing little pieces along for the ride. 

But you didn’t have the time to reminisce. Just as you’d mentioned earlier, you had a colony to establish, and it was well on its way already. A dozen sectors sketched out, concrete paths linking each one to the other. There were still a majority of people left in their cryo-chambers, those that weren’t necessary for building or planning, who were being looked after by Celci. Gunther was on observation for threats – a duty he often groaned about – and Bert was waxing poetic while the rudimentary power generators were being built. So far, everything was looking good. As in, nothing was going to blow up immediately and force you back on that ship.

No, instead, there you were. Standing in front of your growing colony, the sun glinting off the metal of the parked ship, your feet on the ground of a healthy, new planet. How could you not let a prideful smile work its way onto your face underneath the helmet you had yet to take off? You had made it, and, if you squinted, you could practically see the bustling city this place would become. Stores on one end of the street, restaurants on the other, further down would be a sector of houses with a public park and a fountain. Young families would walk to their parents’ house, the group of teenagers would have no problem just talking to each other during dark nights, old lovers would duck from the rain into shaded alleyways to share one last kiss before heading home for a warm bath.

You caught the eye of your head engineer leaning against the head of the ship. 

And not that you knew it, you had also caught his eye, only that was a gross underestimation. Mark had been with you every step of the way on the ship, he’d seen what you could do, what you had done to save the crew and colonists. You’d long ago seized his admiration, and, soon after that, his affection, leading to where he stood in that moment; watching you as you ordered everything that needed to be done to be done, waiting for his own set of instructions that he would carry out perfectly.

Until you made eye contact with him, smiled, and then began to walk away. Mark’s feet were moving before he could process what was happening, and if he started to jog after a few steps, that was between him and the ship wall that he pushed off from. He slid to a stop when he was close enough to you, an unsure half-grin on his face.

“Hey, Captain,” he said as he fell into step beside you.

“Is everything alright, Mark?” was the only reply he got, though that was likely because of his expression more than any doubt you held.

To ease your concern, he tried not to make it too obvious that he was nervous. 

“Yeah!” The barely hidden voice crack did not help, but he continued anyway, “Yeah, it is, I mean- is there anything you want me to do?” 

Requesting work was difficult for him. Not because he naturally took things easy, but because he had been on his feet for the last he-didn’t-know-how-long. Hours, days, he hoped not weeks. It didn’t feel right to not do anything. 

“Why don’t you take the day off?” 

Panic struck him like a physical force. He didn’t remember doing anything wrong, you could have still been angry about the whole incident, but he thought everything had been cleared up on the ship’s bridge. Had you already given him a job and he hadn’t been paying attention? Well, could you blame him if he wasn’t? 

It was in this train of thought that he realized you were waiting for a response. So, you weren’t mad. That was good. 

“Is now the best time?” he asked, “It’s your decision, of course, I just think—”

You stopped short of the next sector, some grid for farming, “Look, you’ve been to hell and back—” and hell and back and hell and back and hell and back, as you were both well aware, “—I think you deserve some time to yourself.” 

‘Time to yourself’. He didn’t want time to himself, he wanted… well, he wanted a lot of things and, to put it bluntly, he wanted some time with you, but you weren’t about to take a rest anytime soon, so neither was he.

“And while I appreciate the offer, Captain, there’s a lot to be done that I think is more important than having a break.”

You watched his face for a second, looked up and down as he started to sweat underneath the layers of his uniform. “Repeat that for me.”

“And while I appreciate the offer, Cap...”

His trailing off made clear the realization he came to. You sent him a knowing look, as he groaned like a kid told he couldn’t have another cookie. Of course, it made you smile, too. His dramatics were the highlight of your day when it wasn’t his stubbornness and jokes.

Today, he was vastly leaning into the former. “Only five minutes!” he demanded, scrolling through his arm-piece to set a timer.

“Ten.”

He scrolled slightly further. “Seven.”

“Fifteen.”

And slightly further. “Twelve.”

Your bout of laughter echoed through the trees around you. “You aren’t getting this, are you?” Mark’s arm was tugged away from him as you swiped through the timer yourself. He might have argued about it more if he weren’t so preoccupied with being close enough to kiss you right now if he had the gall to lean that slight bit towards you.

And, you were his captain, obviously, who was he to challenge your authority?

“Take the day off, Mark, and that’s an order from your captain.” You left him with a pat to his shoulder, luckily not noticing the vibrant blush spreading on his face that was too strong to blame the sun for.

He muttered to himself when you were a few steps away, “Pulling rank isn’t fair.” And he was certain that it wasn’t. It was a trump card, some ex-machina that you had no right to use on him. 

But he had his own little trick up his sleeve, or, rather, on his belt. You insisted on using some of the old-world commodities, even by Earth standards. The communicator on his hip with the antennae and grating would be his ace in the whole for your dumb day off punishment—

“And no using your walkie!”

“Damn it.” 

You were tired. Really tired. You’d slept a day and a half after the whole wormhole incident, and yet here you were, looking at every slightly level surface with literal bedroom eyes. You constantly had to remind yourself to pay attention, but that just made you think about paying attention and not listen to the person you were talking to – who, in this case, was Celci. As such, you were half sure it was important to the whole colony, relying on her reputation, mostly, because again, you weren’t paying attention, and you were actually imagining lying down on that rock you’d seen half an hour ago with the moss and grooves.

You weren’t listening, again.

“Or I could send you the report for you to look over later?”

When you snapped back to reality, you were none the wiser as to what that report was about, but it gave you time to figure it out. “Oh, yeah, that’d be great, Celci, thanks.”

She gave you one look and then asked, “Captain, is everything alright?” 

The half grin took most of your energy, so you promptly dropped it when you remembered that she couldn’t see your face. “Am I that obvious?”

“If you need a break, I can go and check the excavation site and one of the techs can do the propane levels. I’m sure I could get Mark—”

You immediately rushed to cut her off, “No, no, I’m fine. I appreciate the thought but I-I’m fine, really.” Jostling your body and comically widening your eyes, you made yourself as presentable as you could with a quarter of your fuel in the tank. You dusted off your suit and cleared the screen of your helmet, extremely thankful for the metal that made it a one-way mirror. “See?”

Celci hummed at you. Not a good sign. She was arguably the most responsible on the ship, and if she thought you were putting yourself through the ringer, she would do everything in her power to get you to relax. The only problem she faced was ranking, and it was the only thing protecting you from being forced into a nap. You had to get away before she could figure out how to circumvent your title.

“C’mon, Celci, don’t you think I know my limits?”

Disapproving silence. Even starting to walk away from her, you knew how little she believed you. 

“We only have to get through another three hours of work, and then everyone’ll be able to finish up; myself included.”

“Well, Captain…” And there was the crack you needed. Hesitation. 

“Besides, if we get the thermos running, we’ll be able to house some of the colonists and you can focus your efforts on the desert habitation.” That was her little pet project. When you’d scanned the surface, you found two nearby biomes that would barely receive any rain but stayed in the negative fifties for your entire surveillance period. It was backhanded to bait her with the idea, you knew that, but if it got you out of a glorified grounding, you were willing to do it.

Especially since it seemed to work, if Celci’s sigh and hands on her hips were anything to go by.

“Alright, Captain, as long as you finish as soon as the day ends.”

You exchanged a nod with varying degrees of satisfaction with that encounter, before going your separate ways. In fact, you did get a little jolt of energy out of it, as you waltzed along the concrete path. Any thoughts of taking a break were washed out of your mind by the torrent of work you still had left to do; all the sites to check out, all the staff to organize, all the paperwork to send back to the headquarters. The latter was always the worst part, but it was the price you paid for independence on the planet. Free reign was only yours if you played by your boss’ rules.

“Captain!”

Speaking of boss’ rules, as if on cue, Mark jogged to your side from wherever he was before, falling into step quickly next to you. You wouldn’t deny that seeing him gave you another boost of energy, which you immediately used to pat him on the back.

“How’s your break going?”

“I’d rather be doing actual work, but it’s fine. I appreciate it.”

“Good.”

And it was. You were glad he was taking it slow today. He was important to you, and the colony, and you didn’t need your head engineer passing out in the middle of an important task. Or passing out in general. Or doing anything else bad for his health that you could readily prevent.

He appeared alright, for now, although that wasn’t going to get him back on a job just yet. “Actually, I was wondering if—” he started to say, but a crew member cut him off with the crunch of their boots as they rushed towards you from out the surrounding woods.

Their report was normal enough, a few more pieces of information about the excavation site. They’d found another source of aluminum in the caves, which you noted down in case your supplies ran low. Mark waited at your side while you spoke to the person, half-way between listening and grumbling to himself. You couldn’t help but laugh quietly as you dismissed the crew member.

“Sorry, go on,” you said. The pair of you continued to walk, heading nowhere in particular aside from in the vague direction of the housing project.

He did as you prompted, getting out, “Well, I wanted to know—” before someone else called for your attention. Given you were nearing the first constructions of houses, it made sense that a builder caught up to you – despite that, you noticed Mark’s pout as he averted his eyes from the conversation you’d been drawn into. Just a material substitution you needed to sign off on, it was nothing to get worried about, but it was obvious that wasn’t what he was annoyed by.

You gestured with a grin for Mark to continue. Mouth only somewhat open, he paused and looked around, then rounded to your other side to cut you off from the majority of the workers. It was a futile effort, given that you were fast approaching the mass of houses, but it amused you either way. A combination of that drama and humor you were so fond of.

“I think, considering what we went through—” There was barely a crack of a twig in your ten-foot radius when Mark grabbed you by the hand and ran off the path. He didn’t know where he was going, and you definitely didn’t, but you were going regardless. His boots carved a line from the housing district all the way back to the ship. Hardly anyone was there anymore, only a few cryo-techs were loitering around to survey the colonists, so it was his best bet to get you alone, however creepy that made him sound. 

You weren’t given time to question him when you eventually skidded to a stop in a quiet area behind the ship itself. Mark was talking even before you caught your breath.

“I think that you should take some time off too because you went through the same things that I did, and, yes, I know you’re the captain, but having some time to recover from it all would be just as good as me taking some time, even better, because you made all the decisions back there, so you should just relax and I have some suggestions for how you can do that.” 

By the end of his little speech, neither of you were breathing at a steady rate. You both sucked in as much air as you could handle and then let it go again, minds catching up with the situation. For you, it was processing his words and what he wanted from you – for Mark, it was realizing just what he’d spouted and how utterly unconvincing he was.

It was another challenge to understand that you accepted. “I’m listening,” you said, simply, as if you couldn’t say anything else.

Mark spluttered, not thinking he’d get so far but being so far that he had to continue.

“I say we should take some food packs from storage, find an empty room, and have a proper lunch. We won’t talk about work or duties to be done, or anything else, and we’ll lock the door so nobody will interrupt us.” That last bit came from the depths of his soul, Mark grimacing as he spoke. “The colony will be there when we get back. And, if you think about it, getting some rest will help you make better decisions in the long run.”

“Okay.”

Okay. You’d said okay. You’d okayed it. You were going with his plan. Pride overwhelmed him against his mind’s efforts to keep up with his heart and stomach’s backflips. His body froze in response, giving you the concerning impression that you’d broken him with a single word. Lucky for you, he rebooted himself in a few seconds, though he was still unable to curb his enthusiasm.

“Yes. Yes! Alright, let’s go.”

Mark went to reach for your hand but quickly noticed that he was still holding it from when he’d dragged you with him. Instead, sheepishly, he smiled at you and started to walk towards the ship’s entrance, you chuckling to yourself in tow.

If you were going to take a break, you might as well be taking it with your favorite person. What did you have to lose?

“I’m hoping for cool fish.”

“Nope.”

Within half an hour, the both of you were settled on beanbags, eating soup out of Styrofoam bowls, and drinking the champagne you had left over from the salute at the start of the trip. To you, it was the height of luxury, especially now that you were out of your stuffy uniforms and into more casual clothes. The only ones you owned were your workout gear and nightwear, but you opted for the less sweaty version of a tank top and shorts. You didn’t think it was so bad, but Mark had spent the first ten minutes of the lunch break looking anywhere but you. It didn’t help when you went to get your helmet and jacket because he immediately jumped to push you back down into your seat. Not that you – or, though you were unaware, Mark – was complaining.

Still, you kept the outer layers of your uniform close by in case of an emergency, the chances of you being notified as minimal as they were with both your walkie-talkies having been switched off. It was you who pushed for them to be present, but the compromise made them pretty much useless.

Yet not even the potential of a natural disaster pulled you out of the relaxed state you had entered. Slipped down halfway into the beanbag, spread out as far as you could get, you felt calmer than you’d ever been before. Mark would say the same, had he not been seeing your face for the first time.

By the sun, moon, and stars, you were… downright gorgeous. He never liked relying on rumors, so he had taken the stories of you being handsome and/or beautiful to be one weird game of telephone. Now, though? He was regretting not asking to see your face sooner, but you were still in front of him, and he was going to relish the view for as long as he could, emergency be damned.

“First chance I get, I’m throwing you in an ocean,” you promised, taking a sip from your champagne flute.

“I’m taking you with me.”

“I want to see it. Maybe we’ll find a fifty-foot-long eel with three sets of teeth and mandibles on its face.” 

“You’ll find some cool rocks and suffocate before you could even see the thing.”

Dammit. Just like that, with one sentence, Mark smothered the banter you had going. His jaw clenched, your shoulders heightened, the mood was thrown out the window – poor choice of words, again. He had meant it to be playful, but certain recent events tainted the very concept of losing oxygen, of holding your breath for longer than a minute. Gallows humor had yet to set in, and, based on the glazed-over look in your eyes, he couldn’t help but think it never would.

But you were the one to break the silence. “So, what now?” you asked as you placed the flute gently on the floor, glass clinking even as it stood straight.

“Cap,” was the only mumbled answer you received, though it didn’t deter you.

“I know, it’s just…” you sighed, “we can’t not talk about it?”

“Why not?”

Your gaze shot to meet Mark’s eyes, ready and raring to argue, to question how he can deny it. The flame died the second you saw the look. The watery film that threatened tears dumped dirt over your fury. It made sense that he would want to leave it behind. You had the colony to think of now, instead of the death after death after death you’d both faced in the wormhole. You understood that want to ignore it all, but you couldn’t fall into the trap. You couldn’t face another night with it hanging over your head. The bags underneath those wet eyes of his told you he couldn’t either.

Shakily, you whispered, careful not to set him off, “Because it happened. And it was a serious moment in our lives that we can’t ignore. And- and what if it all goes wrong again and we need to prepare to deal with it?”

“Then we’ll do what we did last time.”

“Get stuck?”

“Get through it.” Distantly, you wondered why you were the one to make that first speech. You were the captain, sure, but Mark made you believe him with just one incomplete sentence. He made you trust him in three words, no matter how much your mind fought to tell you otherwise, your heart did indeed trust him. “I mean, we’ve come this far, how hard can it be?” A weak chuckle. “I’d wager getting Gunther to not shoot the first thing he saw when he got off the ship was a lot harder than what we did.”

You didn’t feel like laughing. Instead, talking about the crew, it made you feel… something else. An intangible well of guilt and shame. You could get through another wormhole, but everyone else? What if they got caught? What if they started to remember all the death and fire and pain? You wouldn’t be able to help them, not like last time. If they remembered, they’d be at the edge with you, staring over the side. How many of them could take it? The crew or the colonists themselves? You would have failed them all. You might not have killed them, but they’d be casualties, nonetheless.

“Hey.” Your head snapped up to see Mark at eye level with you, leaning over to bring a hand to your upper arm. “We’d get through it. I know we would.”

But you still looked forward, unblinking, and it only took a second for Mark to realise he was wrong. If he wanted to be scientific about it, he would have just called it trauma bonding – if he wanted to be emotional about it, which he didn’t but he was going to be, he would have thought that all your time together brought you closer, not only because of the danger you experienced, but the comradery. Seeing you in action, seeing you take care of everyone, seeing you be the captain you were meant to be; Mark was sure he understood you. That meant he could see that guilt and shame as clear as day in your eyes.

He let himself fall forward to flop down next to you in your beanbag. Even though he was slightly uncomfortable, pressed against the strangely stiff surface, he stayed right where he was. Nestled against your side. He couldn’t think of a better place to be.

“I don’t understand why you do this.”

“It’s one of my charming quirks.”

You still didn’t feel like laughing, not even at your own poor joke, so you dropped your gaze to Mark. “What are you talking about?” you asked.

“You pretend like you aren’t the captain.”

“Do I?” Plead the fifth or whatever it was people said, and you didn’t care about the irony of you being the one to deny now.

He narrowed his eyes, barely shifting closer but shifting closer regardless. You felt your breath catch in your throat. “Yeah, you do,” he pushed as the hand that was on your arm circled around to the other shoulder. You resisted the voice in your mind that told you to bury your head in his neck, whether that was to avoid hearing him or to relish in his closeness that you never had the chance for.

You didn’t though, head remaining held high, so you were forced to listen when he continued, “You tried to get a smaller crew, you go in on the explorations yourself, you ignore the medics who try to help you.”

Another voice in the back of your mind perked up to rebuke it all, but you silenced it. What would be the point of lying? Mark knew you, you knew he knew you, there was no reason to fight it.

You sighed. “Well, I don’t know.” Your voice was small, smaller than you or Mark had ever heard it, but the admittance felt like it was enough to send a shockwave through the cabin. The jacket that showcased your title to everyone on the planet seemed to blaze in your mind. “Am I really their captain yet?”

“’Yet’?” Mark parroted you, and that was the go-ahead you needed to spill your thoughts.

“I missed the construction of the ship and the selection of the crew. The hour that I got onto the thing, everything went to shit, so many things went wrong. I- I don’t know if I deserve this, being the captain, when I didn’t spend any time with the people running the ship. Hell, even without the whole wormhole thing, we were going to be in cryo-sleep for the entire journey. I wasn’t needed.” The flood of words tumbled out with reckless abandon and then stopped like crashing into a wall like a bike going eighty. You didn’t think you would go through with it otherwise. Inner voices or a sense of decorum threatened to overtake you.

And yet, even though you got to the end of your rant, red-faced and breathless, you were knocked more off-balance by Mark’s question. “How many times did you die?”

“What?”

His eyes were trained on you. “How many times did you die?”

“I don’t remember, maybe thirty?”

“So, you died thirty times for yourself?”

Indignation sparked within your heart. “No, I did it for the ship,” you stated bluntly, “the crew and the colonists.” You weren’t certain what his point was, but if you had to use your authority-voice on him, you were going to.

“Repeat that for me.”

“I did it for…”

That was his point, then. Your shoulders relaxed, though you didn’t notice that you’d raised them, and your eyebrows unfurrowed. In return, Mark’s smile brightened, like he’d caught the canary. Caught you, more like. 

You stared deadpan down at him but brought a hand up to card through his hair. Without his beret, it was looser, more befitting of him as a person instead of the head engineer. The corners of his mouth perked up even more. “See, I don’t like it when you use my own tactics on me.”

His laugh reverberated through your own bones, especially when he dropped his head to your collarbone. It wasn’t awkward, in fact, you were soon chuckling along with him at his happiness more than your joke – it felt natural, but you were still aware that this was the closest you had ever been. Relaxed into the beanbag the two of you now shared, trying to avoid knocking over your flutes of champagne, practically cradling each other in your arms. If the wormhole had been like this, maybe you would have appreciated it more.

“Someone who doesn’t deserve to be captain would have left the ship to explode and taken an emergency pod back to the nearest planet.” His speech, like his trailing off giggles, shook your muscles as sparks of electricity. “They wouldn’t have died for them, and you did. You are their captain.”

Hesitation. You saw it as bright at the sun of your new home in the sky. You saw it rise in Mark’s eyes, you saw it crescendo, and you saw it dip into the horizon.

“You’re my captain.”

Whatever thought ran through his mind, it was gone by the time he pushed through the final inch between you, leaving barely a breath in the interim. You could feel the puffs of hot air bat against your jaw, nose and lips. The role he gave you meant more than the legislation, the rule, the empty title. Now, it was trust. Him in you, and you in him.

For a moment, you thought he might bridge the gap, but his mouth opened before anything could progress. That didn’t mean either of your minds had strayed from the idea. He whispered under his breath, as if it would escape the room had he spoken any louder, “Do you want to have dinner tomorrow night?”

“As in a date?”

“Yeah. A date.”

Mark could feel his heart beating faster. He could have denied it and represented it something like the scenario you were in now. There was a part of him that thought he should have; it shied away from the very possibility of rejection and cowered in the clasp of regulations and human resources. But he had already taken the leap, the words hovering in the air. It would be a proper date – with candles and music and something better to eat than soup in a Styrofoam bowl. You’d talk about whatever came to mind, plans for the future instead of the past, and you’d share a bottle of wine as you spoke. The flicker of flame would highlight you from below and he would see exactly what he was describing in your eyes. His future. If the night went well, you’d clear the table together, strangely domestic against the memories of the journey over, and then, with the candlelight still dancing on the table before the fire was snuffed out, he hoped to share a kiss together. He could almost feel it already.

While his imagination was a thing to behold, it could not take credit for that sensation, but while Mark was so lost in his prospects, he failed to notice that the future was coming to pass. Or some of it, anyway.

You weren’t sitting at a table, a glass of wine and wax dripping onto the table; you were closer than before, with your lips pressed against his and your eyes closed.

Mark was knocked breathless. The sensation was nothing he could have predicted; the pressure was soft, gentle, like a silk ribbon, but the texture exposed how you would bite the same places when you were worried. Worried? What reason did you have to be worried? You were the greatest captain he had ever heard of, let alone known. He wanted to tell you just that, but he was preoccupied, for obvious reasons, with pushing you down against the hill of the beanbag. Maybe he was bias – your groan reverberated through his skin – but he didn’t really have a choice – your fingertips skimmed across his hair – and he was sure that you were objectively the best anyway – your teeth grazed over his lips – so it didn’t really matter. He brought one of his own hands to hover over your jaw, barely making contact until a particular hum had him brushing his thumb across your cheek. You leaned into it, as if it were a military ration, and he supposed it must have felt like that. Roles like yours didn’t tend to come with company.

Inwardly, he pledged that he would never let you feel alone again.

Outwardly, in an ill-fated scuffle to reposition himself, a dull thunk and something spilling onto the floor caused the two of you to slowly, begrudgingly, part. A few puffs of air settled between you as you turned to see Mark’s semi-full glass that had fallen over.

With a laugh, you settled your head against Mark’s shoulder, both to stabilize yourself and spare him the embarrassment of a steadily reddening face.

“So, that date tomorrow?” Despite the last five minutes, Mark couldn’t help but be shaky in asking. Either that, or it was aftereffects of his heart going 210 instead of the normal 60 beats per minute.

“As long as,” you whispered before grabbing your own champagne for another sip, “we get to find a large body of water tomorrow.”

“That sounds a lot like an ocean, Cap.”

“Well, if you insist, we can find an ocean.”

With your final poke at his expense, enough to wave away the remaining fog of tension no matter the nature, you downed the last of your champagne and settled further into your beanbag. For once, you didn’t regret taking a break, and you were sure you would need another breather after the excavation the following day.

“It’s my project, it has my name signed on the documents.”

So far, the day had proven successful. Three more biomes were scouted out, one of them being a potentially perfect site for farming, and the first real town had been built. At the beginning, it had looked like one of those places built to test nuclear weapons – but then, just two hours ago, they had moved the first colonists into their houses. You had been there to greet them, shake their hands and pass them the keys, but you had to leave before they could get fully settled. Besides, that was Celci’s job. The whole transfer from cryo operation was under her jurisdiction.

However, now that the residents were all making beds and organizing cupboards, Mark had to deal with her. And by deal with her, he meant argue, because there wasn’t another way the situation could ever turn out.

Presently, the pair were standing outside a section of the colony, Mark’s section, with blueprints in hands and scowls on faces. A slap against the paper was followed by Celci’s gesture towards the energy source.

“That means you were the one who started to involve cryo-tech, and that means I need to have some input.”

Mark scoffed, even though he knew full well that she was, technically, just barely, if you looked at it a certain way, correct. Just the word cold was her full job description, but he assumed he would get away with it if she were busy with other things. How wrong he was. Ever the eye for detail, Celci had searched through all the project applications, filtering for anything below 30 degrees, and then promptly set up meetings with all the leads. She wasn’t aware that it was Mark heading this one until she walked up the concrete path. Mark wasn’t aware that it was Celci he was meeting with until he heard her groan.

Go figure, they had made no progress.

“You know, I would love to prove you wrong on this,” Mark hissed, “but, unlike you, I can’t spend all day arguing about this.”

Was it backhanded to boast about your date and use it to get away from an argument, which he totally wasn’t losing, in one sentence? Probably. Was he doing it anyway? Yes.

However, Celci wasn’t one to give up that easily. Mark barely got two steps backwards before she took one toward him in return. “No, you know I’m right, so you’re running away.”

“Actually, I have a date tonight.” The pride and amazement took over the scowl on his face. For a moment, he forgot he was talking to someone and that he wasn’t just staring into his mirror, trying to convince himself it wasn’t a dream while he picked out an outfit.

“Who with? Your Roomba?”

In any other situation, he would have leaned into the mockery, tried harder to think of a better comeback, but the truth worked well enough. With a grin, Mark corrected, “The Captain.”

A flurry of emotions danced over Celci’s face that Mark was so glad he was able to see. He didn’t think he’d ever seen her confused before, much less shocked, though there were plenty of times she looked at him with endless doubt. They rolled over and over like a broken projector before she finally landed on a stranger expression – bemusement.

“Finally.”

It was his turn to look confused.

She tutted and looked him dead in the eye. “You can’t think that nobody’s seen the love-sick puppy look you give them when they’re nearby.”

The splutter was hard to contain, despite it being very obviously undignified, but it was harder to get back on his feet. So many questions swirled around his mind, most of them trying to preserve whatever image he thought he presented, but he came up blank. It was, annoyingly, likely that she was once again right. But it wasn’t his fault, not when you were, well, you. Of course, he wouldn’t call it love-sick, though that didn’t stop it from being accurate. 

Mark’s lack of response was enough for Celci to know she’d caught him red-handed. Just typical. With the upper hand, she continued, “But I happen to know that your dinner isn’t until seven, so that gives us five hours for you to see reason.” He tried to protest, opening his mouth to ask how she actually found that information out, before she held up a hand. “Or, what, does it take that long to get your hair like that?”

Inwardly, Mark cursed her. He lost his way out of the conversation, and, in doing so, was welcomed by the colony’s rumor mill. What a prize. At least things weren’t spun out of proportion, but he would have preferred the date to be private at first. He could only hope that the crew had enough sense to leave them alone for the night.

Right now, however, he still had to prove to Celci that he didn’t need her supervision.

“I just don’t understand why you want to get involved with this!” he groaned.

“Because it’s a safety issue if I don’t.”

“It’s not gonna explode.”

“You’ll find a way.”

“I’m not doing anything outside of regulations, it—”

A crackle. Something like a fire burning. His heart rate piped up. Celci started to spin, but Mark was quick to grab at his belt. The walkie-talkie was stirring from its sleep in one of the pouches. He preferred the tech they’d designed for the mission, but he wouldn’t deny you your pieces of Earth. Plus, the stickers were always a bonus.

He drew Celci’s attention as he pressed the button down. Silently, he waved away her own smug grin – the one that told him he looked exactly like a love-sick puppy.

“Hey, Cap, everything alright?”

You never stuck with the whole over and out thing. It was the compromise given they had replaced it with a light to show when the other side’s button was pressed down. To Mark, it made more sense and improved efficiency. What was concerning, though, was that the light was on, red and blazing, but you weren’t talking.

He pressed it closer to his ear. 

Just breathing.

“Cap? Captain, are you okay?”

He was struggling to keep his smile.

Especially when your voice whispered through the machine, gravelly and choked, as if there were hands wrapped around your neck.

“Hey, Mark.”

“Captain.”

“I’m, uh—” You were broken apart by a cough, “—prob’ly gonna be late to dinner—” Another cough, “—tonight.”

It sounded like your lungs were being ripped at the tubes and emptied. Mark’s heart felt like it was shattering.

“Where are you?”

Radio silence. The shards cracked further and refracted the light into searing flames through his veins. Just as sharp, he brought his gaze up to Celci.

“Where is the Captain right now?”

“Didn’t make a copy of their schedule?”

It was meant to be banter, a little poke at their relationship, something to get a deadpan look and an eye roll.

Mark looked more scared than she had ever seen him.

“Third excavation site. North.”

And, at the final word, he was gone, sprinting down the concrete path. The wind carried him in subtle support while some of the crew watched the storm rush past them. They had no clue what was happening, but neither did Mark. He only knew that he had to get to you, no matter what. He had to be there for you.

The walkie felt like it was burning in his grip. An omen and a promise at the same time. He pulled it to his mouth, as though just hearing his voice clearer would let him understand everything. “Cap, Cap, come on, what happened?”

Nothing. Silence outside of his body, which itself sounded like a zoo set loose. It was the eeriness of a broken submarine. He could hear the crunching of the water against the sides as it threatened to ball the metal up with the ease of a wad of paper, but there was still a dismal quiet in the meantime.

“Captain!”

And he couldn’t do a damn thing to help.

Some of the pressure released when he heard your whisper, “Cave in.” It was decorated with crackles and pops, but he heard it crystal clear, every single one of your words its own speech. “Do-don’t come, Mark, don’t.”

His footsteps picked up impossibly faster to match his heart rate.

“I swear, I will,” you choked for a second before you were saved with a cough, “I will pull rank on you.”

“You can do that later. When you’re not crushed under rocks. You can do it at dinner.”

“Mark, I’m not…”

“Yes, you are!”

He swept round a corner. The danger signs for the excavation site came into view. Just a little longer. He didn’t know if you had a little longer. Your breathing was already ragged when you called, and it was getting worse. He knew he should have been pouring all of his energy into getting to you – for once, he admitted it would be better for him to shut up and focus – but he couldn’t handle the silence.

“Okay, okay, pull rank on me,” he pleaded, “just keep talking. Please.” You yielded to his request with a smile that he couldn’t see. “You named the colony yet?” His job. Technically, it was supposed to be the captain who named the colony, but you had given that duty to him. You’d argued that he was the one to choose the planet, so he should have been the one to name it. Just the thought of it made him sick to his stomach. It was too early for delegation, you didn’t need to do it yet, and there would be no reason to later because you would be alive and well. You’d do your job and he’d do his. There would be no exchange because a role couldn’t be filled.

But the declaration was fueled by doubt even in his own mind. 

“No, I was waiting for you,” Mark answered.

“You should name it.”

“I’m waiting for you.”

Another cough, as if your own body was working to supply your point. “Can’t wait forever.”

“I won’t be.”

The lack of response stirred something horrible in his gut when he slid into the entrance to the rock site. He pushed past the gates and tape, snagged protective gear from its place hanging off the fence, and immediately rushed to the directors. They were shambling about with checklists in hand and smiles on faces. Mark wanted to laugh, cry, freeze still in his boots. Everything looked so optimistic. This was advancement for a colony of a size like this.

Days later, when the clock would strike midnight and Mark would lay in his bed with the sheets askew and pillows scattered, he wouldn’t remember what he said to the workers he spoke to. Whether he interacted with them, or they interacted with him, it didn’t matter. His words were lost to him in the haze of overwhelming urgency and underwhelming panic. Medics arrived and excavators were called over. He only knew that because a few of them went in with him to the mouth of the cave – if some kind of legal body was contacted, he wasn’t aware of it because they never showed in front of him, and they weren’t helping him find you.

One detail he did recognize though was the tug at the walkie from one of the directors that caused Mark to pull back like a feral cat. They seemingly decided not to risk it, and simply slipped another walkie in his belt. Of course, you’d given the rest of the crew those things, instead of the highly modernized tech that would have stopped this entire thing from happening in the first place – but he couldn’t be mad at you. It wouldn’t have been you otherwise. 

They backed off quickly when they were done, and he held the original close to his chest until he was well within the tomb- not tomb, cave. A normal cave.

He had to find you.

The team he entered with was small. You always liked close-knit things, he supposed that was why you went in by yourself. Something about comradery. You were too old-fashioned for your own good.

He would tell you that at dinner, give you a light smack on the wrist and a kiss on the cheek.

“Mark, are you still there?” Your voice through the walkie reminded him of where he was. Where you were. You sounded terrible, considerably worse than last you spoke, but that was to be expected. 

Focus.

“Of course. I’m not leaving.”

“Thank you."

His heart would have melted had he not been so hyped up on the rush of adrenaline and intangible fear.

“Can you describe what you can see?”

“Lotta rocks.” Your laugh turned into a gravelly groan. “I see a light.”

“Don’t go towards it.”

“I don’t have much choice.” Mark was blissfully unaware of your joke because he was also blissfully unaware that your legs had been mangled by rocks splitting apart your bones and muscles, pulverized like the aftermath of an old blender fed with sticks and banana. You were glad he was.

He was able to, instead, drop down off a ledge deeper into the cave, which was very quickly becoming more of a cavern. It had the distinct feeling of being trapped in an ant hill, with some spaces widening and then others trailing off into sharp points. Wherever you were, getting out would be a problem, too, but seeing a light meant that you were either incredibly deep or just by the surface. He was hoping for the latter.

The next drop down was not promising.

Neither was the walkie startling to life again with your voice. “You know,” you croaked, “when we were in the wormhole, I didn’t think it would end like this.”

“It’s not ending like this.”

You let the words sink into metal grating of the machine before you spoke again, “I thought I’d be shot in that noir place or stay frozen in a cryo-chamber for centuries, I didn’t think I’d just be, uh, crushed.”

The way you phrased it was so inelegant that Mark nearly snorted. However, the reality didn’t let it breach neo-daedism territory.

“Seems a bit boring, in comparison.” He couldn’t tell whether you were mumbling for comedic effect, or your lungs were giving up on you. Uncertainty impaled him like a spear through the chest.

Swallowing, he sighed. “But at least it’s not in the wormhole.”

“At least it’s not in the wormhole.”

It felt too much like a goodbye. A final salute to the ship that sailed off into the distance. Firing the arrow onto the raft. It shouldn’t have given him hope.

But it did; the cavern was bathed with the sunshine from a hole in the ceiling, and the light on the walkie was off.

It didn’t take long to spot you, upper half sticking out from the rubble of a dozen large boulders and even more smaller rocks dusting your back. Frantically, he rushed to your side, barely dodging standing on the discarded walkie a few feet in front of you. You held another to your cheek. Mark wished he had more time to tease you about keeping a whole communicator just for him, then you’d tease him about his own, and then you’d win the argument when he decided to just look at you all alive and active and not steadily dying in a cave. He did not have more time.

He hooked the walkie for the director out of his belt and called for assistance, giving a description of the route he took and then turning it off to pay attention to you.

Your grin was bright but shaky. “You come here often?” 

“Captain…”

“Sorry, bad timing.”

“No, perfect timing.” The chuckle that dripped out from his mouth was tainted by tears brimming in his eyes. He took your hand and tried to ignore how cold it already was. If he had come sooner, would you have more of a chance? Would you have survived? Oh, but you were going to survive anyway, you had to. You were the captain. You were his captain.

“Mark, don’t- don’t get yourself worked up.”

“Or what?”

“Oh, you know.”

He wanted to beg for you to continue the joke. His grip tightened as he brought your hand to his lips. He held it there, waiting, not breathing a single puff of air. The fear of disturbing the scene and being the little bit of wind that a rock needed to jut further into your back was buried deep in his bones.

“Please, just hold on.”

“Mark…”

No.

“Mark, I can’t.”

No, no, no, no.

“I’m sorry.”

Was he saying words?

“They’ll be fine.”

Just a little longer.

“Mark, look… look around, we’ve made it this far, haven’t we?”

His mouth was moving, he was sure of it, but the crackle of the walkie filled his ears in place of his own words.

“You built the ship, you hired the crew, you fixed the warp-core.”

The warp-core. He had done it once before. What’s to say he couldn’t do it again?

“No.”

All that pain, all those deaths, he would do it again.

“Uh-uh. Not this time.”

He would do it for you.

“We got off on chance, you’re not trying that again, Mark, I can’t—”

If you would just let him, he could get you back. He didn’t understand why you were resisting. It would be so easy. You would get to live and lead the colony and be the captain that you always wanted to be.

But he couldn’t deny that it was a lot of woulds. And he couldn’t go through with it without your support. The tears in your eyes were not from pain but from fear, and not even for yourself. You were scared for him. Your head engineer.

“I’m not losing you—” Mark snapped back to the present, “—And, yeah, I know how ironic that is.”

It was ironic, wasn’t it? Not only this situation, but that the two of you, as a pair, had gone through so much together, only to get separated when things had finally calmed down. It was as though you had grown so used to danger that you couldn’t survive without it. Domesticity was not for you, nor was it for Mark. In this lifetime, you would never get a break. And that was one of the two certainties he found.

“So, hey, just- just give me this. Please?”

The other certainty?

“I love you.”

Mark kneeled on the dusty ground of the cave with your hand in his. It was just as cold as the air around you, your breath visible as you sighed a single, “I-…” that trailed off before you could get anything out. The words died in your lungs as your eyes dropped shut.

Mark’s sobs echoed throughout your tomb.

[Did you know this started out as straight fluff? Also, I will forever be scared of the leviathan from Subnautica]

[agnesthecartoonfreak]

⚠️Age gap, smut, dilf⚠️

You were warned

(Also be kind. English is my second language)

Insecure

Price always knew the power he had over woman in general. He was a fit military man with who could pick them up and throw them over his shoulder anytime he wanted. That gave him confidence. After being almost a month tied to a wheel chair not much confidence was left.

Despite his confidence he was never a fan of his own body, growing old does not go easy on anyones selfesteem, his fit shereded body became a dad bod. Which he did not like. Fun fact about our captain, he is pretty much a perfectionist when it came to his own phisical appearence.

That specific day he was looking at some old photos of his young adult days in the army. The peak of his phisical shape. He would get so much attention back than. But now? Price sighs not noticing

From the other side of the room you notice tho.

"You've been nostalgic Captain?" You ask a bit worried about his mood today

He smiles warmly in your direction

"Remembering the glory days hehe"

You don't exactly understand

"Glory days?"

Price chuckles

" My youth... I miss having a body like that. I wish I met you back then darling. We would have fun" he kind of did not notice his last words

But you did...

You kneel next to his wheel chair. Looking at his old pictures. He was indeed handsome. Most likely a ladies man

" I think I wouldn't be into you back then"

Price looks in confusion

"What? Why?" A bit offended but he wouldn't admit that

"You were still growing up. You were probably reckless and imature... The things I admire in you were not there yet"

He chuckles

"Like?"

"Like your patience, your soft but rough voice, your charm , your beard and your body"

A bit surprised he talks back

"My body was way better back then"

"I disagree" you insist

He looks at you waiting an aswer

"Explain"

"You were trying too hard I think. Too skinny I think, probably in some crazy cut diet to show your abs. You look much more manly now a bit bigger but still strong as a bull" you reply

He seems touched by what you just told him. He gets a bit closer to you and you do not pull away. Both of you glance uncontrolably at each others lips.

They touch... Softly, like a slow dance. The soft kisses continue till they are interruped by a annoying ringtone

" Shit..." price mumbles

It's his daughter he has to answer it

He talks to his daughter on the phone for a while. You recompose yourself setting his bathroom so he can have a shower afterwards

She makes a promise to herself to keep on acting normally, like nothing happend. That would be professional right?

He comes back and you announce

"Sir it's time for your bath"

Price is a bit confused by the sudden change of topic. He gets a bit disappointed

Maybe you regreted? However he caries on with the task

As you shower him he cracks jokes making you feel more confortable during the task. When he thinks the mood is apropriate he says

"Listen I don't want you to feel forced to please me just because you admire me or something. I get it. I'm too old for you. I'm not mad at you I just want you to feel confortab-

Suddently you interrupt Jonh's speech by sitting on his lap and kissing him. You two kiss in silence for about 5 minutes before both of you completely run out of breath. Keeping your foreheads connected, both trying to catch their breath.

"I thought..." Price starts

"I wanted to be professional. Sorry for making you feel unwanted"

He laughs.

"What are you laughing about?"

"I wanted to do that for so many weeks..."

You chuckle looking down at his lap

"I can tell"

Price closing his eyes realizing he has now a huge boner

"That is embarrassing"

You shift your hips on his lap so you can feel him. He grabs you hips with his good hand by reflex. He open his eyes, they are now darker with desire

"I wanted to be a gentleman and take you out to dinner first..." he says but he clearly doesn't want you to stop. He uses his hand in your hip to rock your hips together

A deep shy moan escape his lips

" We can do that later Jonh. But I think now we need to take care of your needs"

.

.

.

.

Taglist: @sillylittlereader

[topazadine]

🐎Story/WIP Tour Tag⛰️

Thank you @the-golden-comet for the tag! This one looks interesting and I am not sure I can do it justice, but I'll give it a shot. I absolutely loved Captain Hart taking us all around the world!

Our tour guide through Breme and Sina today will be Mordrek Willets, spy with the Sinan Intelligence Services. He doesn't appear until the fourth book in The Eirenic Verses, but you'll get a little sneak peak of him today.

Here, we're looking at his diary entries of the different places he has visted in Sina and Breme, which will be coded with the country color.

Kulniryi

Capital of Sina, home to the Royal Ocean Palace, Queen Alnan College, and of course, Thieves' Quarter, home to yours truly. Major international port, which would likely be the perfect place to launch an attack if the Fuarese Union gets sick of being Sina's vassal state. Kulniryi Harbor is one of the deepest and largest ports in the world - or so Queen Susuma says. Able to accommodate dozens of merchant ships at a time, it's no wonder that vessels from all across the globe come here. At least I can always be assured a beautiful woman to romance at one of the dozens of pubs. Loud, ugly, but perhaps the most beautiful city I've ever seen. So clean, and I must grudgingly admit that the black Royal Ocean Palace looks striking against the pale granite cliffs.

Santal

Suburb of Kulniryi. Most notable for Wet Cat Tavern, run by my good friend Ganbold. He's done me far too many favors over the years. Given that he was able to gracefully exit the Sinan Intelligence Services in a much more ... diplomatic way than me, it's always brimming with good intel. And Ganbold is more than happy to calmly and rationally persuade anyone who may not be behaving correctly to leave. Without any dangerous tactics, of course. Also home to the Haratshi family. I don't really want to talk much more about that.

Heretic's Way

This was the path that the heretical Princess Yiella took out of the future land of Sina with her lover, Seinn Luridalr Breme, who subsequently blocked their exit in quite a fantastical way. Anyway, Heretic's Way is perfect for those seeking a more discreet way to travel around Sina, given that everyone's terrified of the place. Not really sure why. Sinans aren't known for being particularly superstitious, but it seems the entire country has thrown away their brains when it comes to this one little path. Or maybe it's because they keep finding half-eaten bodies scattered willy-nilly about the premises. Briar bears, to be sure. I wouldn't know anything about that. Just secondhand information.

Eavelnen

Utter piece of shit town. Ugly, useless, and the one single pub is filthy. I was pretty sure I caught multiple diseases, but at least the alcohol's strong enough to burn away any parasites that might have got their hooks into me. Can't really say much more than that the air is perfumed with horse manure and body odor. You can smell the place from a mile away.

Traifalnar

What a strange little place - like one of those fairytales they read to children. It's built on a swamp, so there are dozens of little bridges that create a lacey network of streets. The buildings are sunk into the murky soil by heavy timber pylons that are probably rotted half to hell by now, so they're girded by strong wires that hold them all up, leaning against one another and distributing the weight. The townsfolk use these wires to send baskets or messages across the streets when they're too lazy to get out and walk. Its pub, Firefly's Rest, is pretty cute, I must admit. But god, the bugs. No wonder all the townsfolk wear citronella cloaks all year round.

Wieleiss

A forgettable town. It's one of the smaller military outposts but damn, do they take themselves far too seriously. The rolling foothills of the Rimuk Mountains - aftershocks of Breme's Saint Luridalr creating her fantastical barrier - start around here, so the town has a lovely view of the hills if you're staying at the Inn Wieleiss, the tallest building in town. I will admit that their inn is excellent: clean, with a well-stocked bar. The security leaves something to be desired, though. Probably because the soldiers themselves are not of the finest quality this far from Kulniryi. Of course they're taking bribes. The place has almost no industry. They're basically private security at this point.

Yunnoun

Spooky town. Butting right up against the Rimuk Mountains, it's the most fortified outpost in the entire country, always ready at a moment's notice to attack. Most of the populace is connected to the armed forces in some way, whether they're soldiers, military wives, or contractors. Their stables are enormous and maintained with almost neurotic precision. Of course, the Sinan army does not use horses in warfare - most of the soldiers have to go right up the Rimuk Pass to engage - but they are very useful for ferrying supplies, and most soldiers are accomplished in equestrianism anyway, as they may be asked to ferry messages to other outposts. Horseback riding is a good way to keep them from getting lazy, too. There are four entrances, each guarded by multiple soldiers who do not take kindly to those without proper identification. The military headquarters squats in the center of the town, with the barracks stretching out like spiders. Its training grounds is incredibly extensive and can accommodate hundreds of soldiers at a time.

Nyulinsk Defensive Tower

A tower hammered into the Rimuk Mountains, which has always been a sore spot for the Bremish. We stuck a military fortification on their most sacred mountain: Mt. Luridalr, so named after their beloved saint. Of course Queen Kulni did that just to piss them off, and it has worked marvelously for hundreds of years. More than a few soldiers have been picked off the top while trying to perform maintenance, so the poor tower is beat all to hell. There are singe marks from flaming arrows on the interior - it has always fascinated me how well the Bremish archers can get their arrows into those tiny slits. I imagine it has something to do with their precious High Poetry. I have not been inside so cannot speak much about the interior. Queen Susuma doesn't trust me enough, I suppose. As well she should not.

Rimuk Pass

This was supposedly where Saint Luridalr stood while bringing up the mountains: it's almost like an empty doorway in the middle of the enormous range that spans the length of the continent. Well, it used to be an open door. The Bremish have fortified it to hell and back with layers upon layers of brick; I imagine dozens of their soldiers have died attempting to protect their country by building a bigger wall. And, of course, during battles, which take place almost exclusively at the Pass. Our army has installed convenient footholds to climb up the side and drop down into enemy territory. Once they are beyond the Sinan border, most know that they are unlikely to return. Many have defected upon realizing how defenseless they will be on the other side - and how little Queen Susuma cares about getting them back unless they are somehow related to the royal family.

Dropbone Caverns

A strange, curving, and terrifying network of caverns buried under the Rimuk Mountains: impurities in the rock when it was wrenched from deep in the earth. There are at least two rivers that wind through it, having percolated from the very top of the mountains on their way into the groundwater. I can confirm that this long filtration process makes for very hard water. Delicious, though. The Bremish, being superstitious fools, refuse to use the Dropbone Caverns - or any caverns under the Rimuks - as points of attack. They believe that their dead reside in some mythical Cave of All Fallen, where Saint Luridalr waits with them for the end of the world. From there, they believe that their goddess Poesy will rewrite the world and they will reincarnate with their loved ones after a long "dream." Utterly ridiculous notion and very tactically unwise, but the taboo is so strong that the Bremish Army sporadically performs sweeps through a small section to ensure that none of their people have set up camp there. Being as they only check perhaps once or twice a year, and daren't traverse very far, most of the caverns remain unmapped. There are deep ravines that can easily become one's tomb if they aren't careful.

Vieleste

Beautiful Vieleste is a military outpost close to the Bremish entrance of the Dropbone Caverns. It is also home to the Vieleste Meronym, one of the High Poet Society's religious centers. An easy rule of thumb is that if there is a meronym, there is likely a military presence as well. The High Poets and the Bremish Army are closely entangled, given that the poets help enchant weapons for the military's use. I have never heard of anywhere in Breme where there is not at least the tiniest military outpost near an official meronym, though the High Poets have retreats throughout the country where their members can work in privacy. Anyway, Vieleste is a unique place in that some of the buildings have been erected atop the ruins of older homes that were crushed by boulders triggered by the Sinans. To think that they live atop the graves of their ancestors ... very disturbing, to be honest. I have been told this is because they believe though the boulders were sent from malice, they are hewed from the Rimuk Mountains, and thus they are sacred.

Gold Cascade

Oh, how can one even speak of the Gold Cascade without breaking down in tears at its beauty? It is born from a lake at the top of one of the Rimuk Mountains, which few have ever seen. The Bremish refuse to climb the mountains, and the Sinans rarely go for pleasure. I find myself deeply curious about what it may look like up there, at the top of the world .... This thunderous waterfall is so named because at sundrop, it is lit up in glorious golden hues, making it seem a stream of citrine pouring down the mountain. Some also believe that Saint Luridalr herself hid a treasure trove at its base, but I doubt it. She did not seem the avaricious type from what I have been told. At certain times, the Gold Cascade is wreathed in rainbows, while it steams during the summer. A unique ecosystem has grown up around it, including hardy fish and beautiful ferns. However, its strength has carved out underclings through the rock that surrounds it, creating vortices that could easily drown anyone who attempts to swim there. There are a number of superstitions about damned souls, and some believe that the Cave of All Fallen begins at its base.

Miskinint Lake

Technically a sinkhole, but I'm not about to argue with the Bremish about this. It is fed from the Gold Cascade further upstream, which then turns into the Great Gold River that nourishes most of the populace until it peters out into smaller rivers around the Windswept. I have been told this is a popular swimming hole and diving spot because of its steep cliffs and great width. There are specialized species that live here, including the Miskinint crayfish. Absolutely delicious with sheep's butter.

Caichaille

A very small, isolated town near the Rimuk Mountains, upways from Vieleste and its ilk. Perhaps 100 people live here, though it may be less. There is a cave entrance close by that has been firmly closed with a large iron door, and only the High Poets are allowed inside this cave to provide alms to the dead. The town itself is ringed with a defensive boulder wall, but there is a poet's retreats on its outskirts. A really ugly one, to be honest. It looks like someone just threw together a bunch of boulders and called it a day. I imagine it was probably a young High Poet forced to do this to prove her power.

Vercingetorix

Previously named Paulemaule, its current name is in honor of one of Breme's five saints, whose claim to fame was learning how to poison arrows and kill scores of Sinans through some incurable disease. Saint Vercingetorix was eventually caught and tortured by Sinan forces, and the secret to this poetry died with her. Some of her body parts were recovered by the Bremish and are kept as relics at the meronym. Given that she killed Sinans through an epidemic, Saint Vercingetorix is the patron saint of healing, and her meronym is renowned for its focus on the medical arts. Many desperately ill Bremish come here in hopes of finding a cure for their ailments. There is also a small military outpost, as expected, but I have seen that it is poorly maintained and ill-equipped to deal with an invasion.

Bewerian

The capital of Breme, it is the largest and most prosperous town. It is separated from its adjoining suburb, Goldnin, by Mermina's Bridge, which spans the Great Gold River. Mermina was one of Breme's five saints, who reversed a terrible drought of the Great Gold River through her poetry. Bewerian is home to the Bremish Council and the War Committee, which is their central place of governance. The War Committee is subordinate to the Bremish Council, and both are informally whipped by the High Poet Society, which works autonomously and could rescind its promise to help the military at any time. There is also a court here, where the most serious of crimes are prosecuted: sedition, treason, murder, child abuse, and assault. I have been told that the trials are mostly perfunctionary and that being convicted is a near-certainty. The punishments are brutal yet appropriate, such as castration for a serial sexual offender. Can't say I have many complaints about that.

Goldnin

The primary suburb of Bewerian, this is the home to Breme's principal marketplace and the Goldnin Meronym, where the most powerful High Poets train and perform their arts. I suspect that placing the meronym in the suburb was to demonstrate their independence from the government and military, forcing high-ranking officials from the Bremish Council to make the commute if they wish to consult with the poets. This is also the location of the War Academy, where soldiers train or wait for deployment. The training grounds are large and well-equipped, while there are numerous dormitories and barracks. One can see child soldiers here, as young as 11 years old, developing their bloodlust. There are also children they title "Future Boys," who can be thrown there by their parents when as young as 6 or 7. They are forced to perform manual labor until they reach the age of entrance into the Academy.

The Windswept

A vague and mysterious area of Breme set aside for the nomadic tribes: the original inhabitants of Breme, who were slowly pushed aside as more people turned to an agrarian lifestyle. While the nomads have representation on the Bremish Council and their own system of governance, they are often treated as second-class citizens by the settled peoples, who view them as backwards and archaic. In many ways, it feels like they are an enclave within the overall country, making their own rules and settling their own disputes through ancient processes. This area is less resource-rich than the settlements, yet carefully maintained by the tribes for maximum efficiency. Seasonal migrations help to cycle the soil and allow it to rest. There are large herds of feral horses, wolves, wild pigs, and even some strange, savage flightless birds that frequently cause problems. Large herbivorous creatures known as auraks live here and are hunted down using the fearless Bremish wolfhounds, domesticated from wolves and known for their indefatigability. Apparently the settled peoples think aurak meat is disgusting and prefer their livestock.

All these fascinating places will feature, at sometime or another, in the Eirenic Verses. If you'd like to get a good idea of what Goldnin and Bewerian are like, check out 9 Years Yearning, the first book in the series!

Tumblr tag list: @kuebiko-writing, @ryns-ramblings, @cain-e-brookman, @halfbit, @macabremoons,

@theverumproject, @aquadestinyswriting, @urlocalwitch555, @sarahswriting, @drchenquill,

@davycoquette, @mysticstarlightduck, @aalinaaaaaa, @gioiaalbanoart, @theaistired,

@somethingclevermahogony, @wyked-ao3, @avaseofpeonies,

[yumeinati]

Seeing what my sister knows about the Mechanisms - Spoilers: Not enough

I love my sister, I do. She lets me rant to her about the Mechanisms 24/7. But the real question is whether or not she pays attention to what I say. I decided to quiz her and see how much she retains from our conversations <3

DTTM Spoilers/Talk

Starting off with everyone's favorite Captain First Mate!

Name: Jonny d'Ville | Mechanism: Blood | Role: Master at Arms

"He's cool I guess"

Not really surprised by her response to him, nor am I shocked she got his Mechanism wrong since when I first asked her to do this, she was like "I only know three of them. Jonny d'Ville, Nastya Rasputina, and Jonny Sims" and I had to remind her that two of those were the same person. Speaking of Nastya Rasputina!

Name: Nastya Rasputina | Mechanism: Lungs | Role: Pilot

"My favorite" Proceeded to give a thumbs up.

As I taught her, Nastya is best girl and deserves the whole world. I am rather shocked she got her Mechanism wrong as I once word vomited to her about mercury poisoning when I was plotting for a Nastya-centric fic, but its okay. Next up is Ashes!

Name: Ashes O'Reilly | Mechanism: Eyes | Role: Quartermaster

"They're cool, I like them"

Used the wrong pronouns but immediately realized and corrected herself before I had to so that's a win that she paid attention there. (We stan an ally <3) I talk about Ashes so much so I'm surprised that she got their Mechanism wrong but its okay, I still love her. Now to an Archivist who actually knows how to do her job (this is S1 Jon Sims slander, I am not sorry, he did not know what he was doing)

Name: Ivy Alexandria | Mechanism: Brain | Role: ????

"I don't really know...Ivy I guess is cool."

I don't talk about Ivy as much as I should, which I really should change because Ivy is amazing. When asked about why she was '????' she just went "I don't know...she has those vibes." which is 100% understandable. Time for the drumbot himself!

Name: Drumbot Brian | Mechanism: All but Heart | Role: Engineer

"Cool."

How does she not have more to say about him? He's been the focus of my rants since I got home from Uni on Sunday and all she has to say is 'cool'. Engineer is at least the closest she could get to Pilot, but I'm still a bit disappointed she didn't get all the answers right. On to her...absolute favorite, TS.

Name: Toy Soldier | Mechanism: All but Voice | Role: Archivist

"The Toy Soldier is the best character and there's no doubt about that."

Her answer came so quickly after I asked her how she felt about TS, I honestly can't say I'm surprised though. She thinks it's a silly little creature. Now to the man that I'm like 100% sure she has a love/hate relationship with, Tim.

Name: Gunpowder Tim | Mechanism: Heart | Role: First Mate

"Cool."

Once again, really confused about how she doesn't have more to say about him. He's literally carrying a huge gun so like, a tad confused on my she didn't think he was Master at Arms, but its alright. Funnily enough, she got the next two completely right, starting with Marius.

Name: Marius von Raum | Mechanism: Arm | Role: Doctor

"His arm is cool."

Applause for her getting everything correct. I force her to listen to The Wassailant in the car. There is no surprise she got his stuff right because I talk about Kofi, and by default Marius, so often. And finally, last but not least, Raphaella <3

Name: Raphaella la Cognizi | Mechanism: Wings | Role: Science Officer

"Just take off the wings and she'd be cooler. Just saying."

The disappointment when she said that was at its peak. I cannot believe that she would say that about the Raphaella la Cognizi and I will be making sure she changes her ways.

I'm not too surprised with Nastya and TS being her favorites, seeing as I talked about them most when I first got into Mechs, but the Raph slander was absolutely uncalled for </3

I also asked her some lore questions.

Q: What is the ship’s name? | A: Aurora

Q: Who is dating the starship, The Aurora? | A: Jonny

Q: Which Mechanism Mechanized themself? | A: Nastya

Q: Who was the first Mechanism? | A: Jonny

Q: Who were the last two Mechanisms to join the crew? | A: Marius and Ivy

Q: Who was the first Mechanism to die/leave the crew? | A: Tim

Q: Who was the last Mechanism to die, timeline-wise? | A: Jonny

Q: Which Mechanism died by death by Octokittens? | A: Brian

Q: Which Mechanism has a morality switch? | A: Brian

Q: Who had a ‘best friend’ named Bertie? | A: Jonny

Q: Which one is an arsonist? | A: Raphaella

Q: Which one blew up the moon? | A: Tim

Q: Which one is a cannibal? | A: Marius

All in all, somewhat disappointed in my ability to get this cemented into her brain </3 Glad she at least was able to match names to faces so I'm at least showing her enough photos of them, but I will definitely start talking to her about Mechs lore more because she needs to know and understand it all.

I will still say that a success is convincing her and my mom to do matching Life360 photos with the most iconic sibling duo and their mother <3

[tojiscrack]

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐎𝐍𝐄

: ̗̀➛ word count: 11.3k

: ̗̀➛ pairing: levi ackerman x reader

: ̗̀➛ notes: our favourite sneak peak is in this chapter guys :))) but i also need to address something about the taglist. if you are currently on the tag list (or will be in the future) if you ever have the intention of changing your username, you must let me know right after you’ve changed it (and also tell me what your previous username was). this is so that i can change your name on the taglist with ease without having to wonder why it doesn’t work when i haven’t been told that your user has changed. i can’t go through the hassle of trying to figure out what your new name is as it’s time consuming and a waste really (because i usually don’t manage to find the name in the end). that’s all, hope you enjoy this chapter!

: ̗̀➛ summary: ranked as number 38 of the southern division for the 104th training corps as of now, you’ve lost all motivation to continue your journey on taking back number ten, your rightful position that would have (for sure) impressed captain levi. the commandant has taken note of your drop in skill and takes matters into his own hands, regarding your favourite higher up, of course..

previous chapter :) next chapter :)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

today was a bad, bad day.

and the day after that too.. and the day after that also.. you were in dire need of some comfort, but found none; it wasn't all too surprising when you really thought about how you were now sat at number thirty-eight, no where near your rightful spot at number ten. could you help yourself? no. could someone else help you? potentially. perhaps the company of captain levi praising you for ranking thirty-eight for the southern division of the 104th cadet corps — instead of making random remarks at you like he had during the exams — might cheer you up?

but even that sounded quite unrealistic.

his expectations were high, you didn't need a genius to help you comprehend that. you'd heard things about him before you had even met him: that apparently he had his own squad handpicked by himself, that supposedly all of the members included ranked from numbers 1-10 during their own cadet corps, that maybe there was only one female out of the entire group (which hadn't bothered you then, obviously, for you didn't even know the man) and it did not bother you now either, not when you were benched at the corner during your hand-to-hand combat training due to unleashing your rage at reiner who (though jokingly) made a comment about your current position.

which ultimately led you to have marco now at your side, rubbing your back soothingly and lightly scolding you for your actions.

"what did he say that made you explode at him like a ticking time-bomb?" marco asked you gently.

you did not answer. your eyes were trained solely on the figure of reiner who was rubbing his backside in pain, his mouth moving as if he was talking to someone, but you were unable to lip-read. the sight almost made you chuckle. almost.

"hesaidihadpotentialorsomethingidunno," you mumbled lowly.

marco coughed, confused. "i didn't get that."

you sighed exaggeratedly, leaning away from marco's touch to grumble under your breath once more, begrudgingly.

"i still didn't quite catch what you —"

"he said i had potential!" you snapped, wincing when you realised just how wrong you had been. still, you were angry, and unfortunately for the blonde brute, he had been in your way.

expecting another more firm scolding, or even a carefully crafted lecture, both of which you never received, you turned your gaze to glare at marco instead, pondering on why he was so silent. he did not cower under your gaze like others might, instead, it was almost as though he was relishing in it, a lazy smile plastered over his delicate features that practically screamed you (in a gentle manner) 'no-i-am-not-scared-of-you'.

your gaze softened at the sight.

"it was a praise," said marco, finally, "what was so bad about that?"

"he was laughing!" you argued defensively, mildly shocked at marco's reaction. it was almost as if he was teasing you. "and you are too."

"i'm just surprised," he corrected, hands raised in mock surrender. "i mean, for someone who's been complaining about being so tired for the last couple of days, you sure flipped him over your back without a struggle."

you scoffed.

"and he weighs a lot, too," he added, pinching your cheek (in response, you threatened to bite his finger off).

so marco wasn't entirely wrong. you walked around the grounds of the training corps as if you were a ticking time-bomb, a count down representing just when you would explode again, but worse.

you'd heard what the other cadets had been saying, and although it would not usually bother your happy self, now it was more annoying than ever — it irked you to no end. still, you kept your silence, choosing to stomp around and keep your anger buried well inside you like a rotting body in a coffin. however, this did not keep it hidden.

there was one particular day where everyone had been gathered at the mess hall eating their lunch. it had just struck noon and you found yourself hungry.. but not for food. you didn't exactly know what you were hungry for, but on this day, you (and everyone else around you) became well aware of how aggravated you had become, and you pinned that all down on when ymir had grasped your shoulder in a particular manner that had you moving backwards and forwards against your will, to praise you.

"i know i told you to slack off a bit, but you were really committed, huh?" she laughed, clapping you on the back encouragingly. your front jolted forwards, stiff. "thanks anyway!"

"haha, yeah.." you sheepishly laughed, watching as she marched away from you (you could have sworn there was a little skip in her step), "you're.. welcome.."

the boiling fury wasn't present then, obviously, but it made its appearance not long after.

and that's when the whispers slyly travelled to your ears.

marco and jean both had spent quite some time trying to get you to sit with them and eat, but by their tenth (or was it the fifteenth?) try, they had given up, letting you be. so you found yourself walking around the mess hall, swallowed up by your thoughts, a moving vexation to anyone near. you had circled the hall more times than you could count, but after a particular number of circles, someone at the table had spoken up. not to you, of course, they wouldn't be stupid enough to do that (not when no amount of discipline could keep you in check) but about you.

"has anyone noticed how pissed y/n's been?" you heard connie lowly ask the table.

you tried not to look, keeping your head straight and eyes downcast, continuing your walk.

"have you only just noticed?" you heard a more womanly voice respond: immediately, you were aware that it had belonged to sasha. her question was then followed up by the sound of cutlery clashing against each other, and then lots of protests after that.

"shit, sasha, you didn't have to hit me for that!"

sasha ignored connie and went on to say more about your newly adopted attitude. "she wakes up early just to sit and glare. i thought it was because of extra training, but —"

"y/n and extra training aren't compatible," jean countered smoothly.

"but i remember her training on the grounds in the morning with you and marco not too long ago," said a lighter male voice: armin, you could tell. "or maybe my memory's not serving me right —"

"you should give yourself some credit, you saw correctly," another voice added, and this one pissed you off: eren. you had been holding quite a grudge against him since the stupid thing he pulled during the exams.

"bold of you to assume that she came willingly," jean replied, and that was followed by many murmurs of agreement.

"she's just angry," said marco.

"i'll say," a deep voice commented: reiner. he sounded way too amused for your liking. did he need to be taught another lesson? "the little lady can fight."

"i'm holding that against you forever," chortled connie, and the rest of the table was now laughing, but you could also hear that reiner was too, a deep chuckle emitted from his chest. "she showed you —"

"if she can do that to reiner, just imagine what she could do to you," said sasha, but her voice was extremely muffled. you came to the conclusion that her mouth was full.

"jokes on you, i'm not on her bad side!"

idiot, you thought, knowing that everyone was currently on your bad side whether they had spoken to you or not.

"for your own sake, i hope none of you are," commented jean, and as much as you hated him entertaining this conversation, you appreciated how he was correct.

"hypocrite," you heard the stupid green-eyed boy voice. just the thought of his smug face made you want to punch something.

"not again," sighed armin.

"what did you just call me?" jean shot back. for once in your life, you were siding with him.

"you heard me," said eren, the idiot being unable to back down, "you're always on her bad side!"

"yeah, and wanna know where that got me?" jean challenged loudly. "cleaning horse shit, that's where. you should be grateful i'm even warning you about it, jaeger. you're not on her good side either."

"what did you do?" a cooler female voice asked: it sounded to you like mikasa. you figured that she was directing the question to eren.

"nothing!" proclaimed eren.

the urge to turn around and swing your arm at his neck was growing more tempting, equivalent to an itch at the spine you couldn't exactly reach. how dare the little punk lie about what he'd done?

on instinct, you whipped your head over your shoulder, glaring daggers at the particular table at the centre of the mess hall that housed all the people that thought it was okay to talk about you as if you could not hear them despite their low voices. sasha yelped when you had made eye contact, connie began coughing profusely, jean (though his back was to you) had stiffened up, shoulders raising in tense movement, marco was gulping down large amounts of water, mina was fixing her hair (though you noticed there was actually nothing to be fixed), franz kefka began laughing shakily, armin began playing with his food, nac tias turned away, eren's ears went pink, and reiner and bertholdt were now conversing in a conversation that had little to do with you — although you noticed how their eyes would dart back to you every once in a while. mikasa was the only one being normal.

you turned away, continuing your walk, but keeping your ears open.

"way to go, idiot," you heard jean curse, "now she knows we're talking."

"how is this my fault?" demanded eren, offended.

"shout a little louder, won't you?" jean snapped. "it's not like she's only a few feet away from us —"

"isn't it your job to calm her down?" a bemused sasha asked, her voice lowered by the plate on her face. when you looked, you caught sight of her snacking on the crumbs left over. "i mean," she began, slamming the plate onto the table dramatically, "what kind of a friend are you, huh? oh, not you, marco. i meant horse-face —"

"you don't see me calling you potato girl every time!" exploded jean, scandalised. "so quit it!"

"to answer your question," intervened marco, nervous, "even though it's not for me, y/n has a good way of pissing jean off in ways that even eren can't —"

"stretch," commented jean, bored.

"okay, so maybe not as much as eren —"

"you talk about me like i'm not right in front of you!" exclaimed eren, and the urge to leap across where you were currently standing to strangle him to death had only grown at the sound of his loud voice.

"i'm gonna punch you," jean threatened, and then you heard multiple voices of protest over eren's own challenge of 'oh yeah? bring it on'.

commotion was now sounding from the mess hall; it wasn't helping the little voice inside of your head urging you to throw a tantrum worthy of shaking away all the attention from the eren-and-jean drama to focus on you. so, angrier than you had been when you first walked in, you stomped away, making little attempt to create the loud noise from the meeting of your heel and the floor, yet it sounded anyway, some people turning around and watching you instead of the rowdy table at the centre of the room.

only, the second you had passed the double doors, your forehead clashed against the rough harnesses belonging to someone who was tall enough to tower over you. groaning as you took a step back to rub your pained head in annoyance, you opened your eyes to find the culprit you were willing to hit, only to be met with your arch-nemesis: keith shadis.

of course it had to be him. it just had to be him to be the one hurting you some way or another, and it only irked you more that he had managed to do it in your lowest moment.

you knew you couldn't raise a hand against him. after every single problem you had fallen into, none of them would amount to this if you even tried to make them. even on your weirdest days, you knew better than to attack the commandant (even if you had an entire plan made at the back of your head where you were sure never to be caught).

"what did you do this time?" he asked, sounding so confident that you were the cause of the argument behind you.

that made you smug.

he was wrong.

"it wasn't me," you told him coldly.

"i've heard that more times than i can count," he responded, glaring daggers at you, "and not once has it ever been true."

okay.. fair, you thought to yourself reluctantly. still, at least now he truly was wrong.

and then an idea rose to your head.. a brilliant one, one that would have your victim begging for your forgiveness, knowing never to mess with you again.

"it was eren," you stated quickly, attempting to form the most honest face possible.

the commandant regarded you with little emotion, raising a thin brow at you so that the lines on his forehead became much more prominent. you fought to keep your face truthful.

"jaeger?" he said skeptically. "what did —"

"he was going to start a fight," you informed him knowingly. technically it wasn't a complete lie, it was half the truth really.

"with —"

"with jean."

"biased."

"no it's not!" you argued, almost, nearly stomping on his foot in fury. you didn't, of course, knowing better. "when have you ever seen me side with jean, huh?"

he looked up, eyes searching the ceiling above you as he delved deep into thought. you waited impatiently, scanning his shrivelled up features in a silent fit of rage. could he take any longer?

he looked back down at you, shrugging. "i suppose not.. like the odd thing you are, you don't ever seem to side with your own friend when he's in a mishap with that jaeger."

you smiled, radiant and true. he wasn't lying, of course, for every time jean and eren would begin arguing — in order to piss your friend off a little more, for the sake of it — you would always cheer eren on at the back; he also thought it was weird, you could tell from the way he would scrunch up his brows at you at the end of everything without actually saying much, but you didn't seem to mind. so long as you got to see jean and that funny pout he'd make when he was annoyed at you, you were content all the same.

"i can tell you what happened from beginning to end," you announced proudly.

keith raised a hand, a gesture for you to halt.

"you won't even get to the end with how much you crap you spew," he said, and you found yourself frowning at him, contemplating whether to fart in his face once more (to remind him just who he was talking to) or leave him be. you decided on the latter.

that did not mean you wouldn't show him some attitude, though.

you pushed your chin in the air, hands clasped behind your back as you stepped to the side to leave.

"stop right there, scum," he ordered, and you obeyed, halting in your place. he continued. "stay here while i sort this shit out. move an inch and you'll find yourself cleaning again."

you said nothing, eyeing him blankly. he waited, as if expecting you to do something. very well then, if that was what he wanted, and you liked a bit of a challenge, too.

you raised a hand, your pointer finger lifted, and poked the air.

"are you hard of hearing?!" he shouted, the mess hall going quiet. it seemed that the cadets in there had finally caught on to his silent (well not so silent now) presence. "i said, don't —"

you poked the air again.

he shook his head, sighing to himself.

"what was i expecting?" you heard him grumble, before you were left with a bit of ringing in your left ear after he parted his bottom and top lip once more. "JAEGER!"

you grinned. now this was a sight you yearned to see.

turning on the spot, you revealed the smug look on your face, met with the bewildered looks plastered over the faces of every single cadet surrounding the rowdy table at the centre of the room. several people began scattering away like a herd of sheep in a farm. at the middle of the once-present huddle, were jean and eren, both standing side by side, yet looking out of breath.

when jean had made eye contact with you, he looked as though he was about to be sick, a type of green coating the expanse of his pale skin. you rolled your eyes: it was obvious that he was assuming that you were on eren's side and attempting to get him in trouble with keith again.

stupid jean.

"GET OVER HERE," keith demanded. you stepped away, silently cursing at whoever gave this man a voice louder than a rooster.

eren hesitated.

"TODAY!"

with a sideways glance at his two best friends, eren swallowed down any form of anger he had left in him and held his head high, walking over to the commandant and forming the salute position.

"sir."

keith, with both his hands clasped behind his back, walked forward so that he was almost nose-to-nose with the brunette boy. you watched in glee as eren was met with the sight you had been faced with a million times. this was a taste of what he basically had you go through previously. stifling a chuckle, you pursed your lips when you saw eren grimace.

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING, BOY?"

you could sit back and watch this all day. it felt relieving watching someone else other than yourself getting in trouble.

"i was.." began eren, who seemed to be struggling to find the right words.

he hasn't got a clue in the world, you thought, satisfied. with keith, nobody was right but himself (how narcissistic of the bald bastard), but it worked in your favour in this very case. poor eren is under the impression that there's some sort of answer he can pull out from the abyss where keith would release him, where keith would accept it and he could go about his day again.

he couldn't be any more wrong than now.

"WHAT, JAEGER? YOU WERE WHAT?"

patience also wasn't something that keith possessed.

you had cursed this fact multiple times, but for once, it tasted like honey on your deprived tongue.

"i —" stammered eren, growing frustrated with himself, "i was defending myself, sir!"

"defending?" repeated keith, and there was something about the lowered tone of his voice that unlike everybody else, you recognised.

you knew keith like the back of your hand. if he was beginning to grow agitated, you would know. if he was delighted (though it was a rare occasion) you would know. if he was exhausted, you would know. if he was feeling merciful (again, a rare occasion) you would know.

so unlike everyone else, all of whom were expecting him to let eren be without a punishment — you'd heard nac tias whisper just now about how 'jaeger got lucky' — you became well aware of what was going to happen to eren.

and you were beyond ecstatic.

"how could you possibly be defending yourself, jaeger," started keith, face hardening like stone, "IF YOU WERE THE ONE WHO STARTED IT?"

the look on eren's face was enough to have you slap a hand over your mouth to prevent a single sound slip; if only you were as good of an artist as jean was, you would have begun drawing his face right now, have it hung on your bedroom door to look at every morning.

his muscles had softened, eyes going hazy and distracted, jaw un-tightening, lips parting, brows un-knitting.. before they went back to being more firm again with only one difference you could note: his fists were clenched.

"but i didn't —"

"I HATE LIARS!"

and before eren could even begin to explain himself, keith strode forward and grabbed eren by the back of his neck, forcing him to walk along with him as he lead him to the exit of the mess hall right where you were residing.

as they made their way past you, you and eren had made eye contact, one where you could see the fire burning behind his viridian eyes, and he could see the light shining behind yours: he was well aware of how fucked he was now, and you thought it was best to rub it in his face even more.

so, leaning back against the wall, you winked.

or tried to, at least.

the thing was, you were good at everything you tried.. apart from winking.

it was a gamble, really, choosing to do the one thing you could not do in a victorious moment like this. your wink came out more like a hard blink or so, perhaps something even worse (judging by the confusion written all over eren's face as he left, his lips silently moving: you read it as 'what is she doing?').

"yo, why's your eye twitching like that?" connie called out from the distance.

"fudge," you uttered under your breath, facing the crowd of people now staring at you.

"your eye," clarified connie, pointing at you, "it was —"

"i was winking!" you interrupted, disgruntled.

"that's your wink?" he asked, and he did not give you time to respond before he began howling with laughter, clutching onto sasha's arm to prevent himself from falling.

you stared at him, a neutral face with no emotion. his laughing went on for what felt like hours before sasha shoved him off her and he fell. sitting himself upright (still laughing) he choked when he met your gaze, holding his mouth and practically pinching it.

"i'm not — i'm not laughing —"

"liar. he totally was," sasha helpfully commented.

it seemed as though he had realised the severity of his actions. tough luck for him, then.

"you're next," you threatened icily.

and as the mess hall began going back to normal — with a few glances at armin and mikasa, both of whom did not seem angry (like how you expected them to be) — jean and marco were back by your side, one more brooding than the other.

"i'm at loss for words," said marco, shaking his head. "i can't believe —"

"i can't believe it," said jean, expressing his surprise by placing a hand on your shoulder and gripping tight enough to crease your ironed jacket. "you sided with me, for once. thanks."

you shrugged his hand off you, scowling at him. "i didn't do it for you," you revealed, scoffing.

jean blinked.

exchanged a blank look with marco.

and then blinked again.

but then he began smiling, and he looked disgusting doing it. you wished you had some sort of magical ability to wipe the smirk off his face. no wonder he's got no bitches, you thought, grimacing at the way his brows began wriggling at you.

"yeah, sure," he said, too confident for your liking.

"stop making that face," you told him firmly, "you're gonna make me eye-vomit."

jean didn't speak to you for the rest of lunch.

not that he could even if he wanted to anyway. for keith had returned not long after and gave you an earful for moving away from where he had left you. growing annoyed at your life once more, you left him to shout at nothing when you stomped out of the mess hall, ignoring his calls of your name for you to return.

but he was that persistent, you were actually surprised.

usually, you were able to accurately predict the commandant's next move, mainly because you had become familiarised with everything he would do. yet today, somehow, you were wrong. assuming that he would punish you later for ignoring him, you were left with your mouth opened agape when you heard a pair of footsteps following you out of the mess hall. perhaps it was another cadet who had finished their lunch..

wrong.

because he was still calling after you.. and threatening you too.

you turned around, a hand over your eyes to shield yourself from the intense gaze of the sun, staring at the tanned man with narrowed eyes, blinking profusely up at him.

"let me make this CLEAR," he started, furious, "KNOW YOUR POSITION, SCUM. AND POSITION NUMBER THIRTY-NINE SHOULD, IF ANYTHING, LESSEN YOUR CONFIDENCE!"

you stayed silent. or opted to, at least, because holding your tongue was never an easy task for you.

"actually, it's position number thirty-eight," you corrected, disappointed at his stupidity. "get it right."

"big difference."

"well, actually, i believe —"

"i don't have time for opinionated statements," declared keith, sniffing loudly. no grace and decorum, clearly. "even more so that they're coming from you."

"if you're done insulting me, kei—"

he had straightened up, almost daring you to finish the last two letters. you knew better than to end up like eren, of course.

"i'm willingly here to talk to you for a reason, you little shit," informed keith, staring down at you in a way that you knew would make little krista shiver and cry. "i'm not impressed."

you waited.

and waited.

and then could wait no longer.

"er.. what do you want me to do about that?"

"I'M NOT FINISHED!"

"all right, geez man, it's not that personal," you quickly mumbled, stepping back because at this rate, with how often your ears fell victim to the constant yelling, you were positive you'd go deaf in your mid-twenties (and that's if you're lucky).

"YOU, CADET L/N, COULD HAVE DONE MUCH BETTER THAN NUMBER FOURTY!"

"it's thirty-eight —"

"WHY ARE YOU SLACKING?" he demanded, the whites of his eyes dominating. "HAVE YOU GRADUATED YET? WHAT REASON IS THERE FOR YOU TO RELAX?" keith took a deep breath in and used it to form his next statement. "you dropped thirty places —"

"twenty-eight places, actually —"

"SHUT IT!"

you pursed your lips apologetically, allowing him to continue.

"the scouting legion might accept anything after ten but I. DO. NOT!"

you raised your eyebrows. there were many things about today that had you spiralling in confusion. yes, your ranking is definitely not the best, but you had been watching the commandant carefully (not for the reasons anyone else might be thinking, like watching for trouble) and you had yet to see him approach a cadet who had gotten much lower than you and scold them like now. what made you the exception?

"well that's inevitable," you defended yourself calmly, "someone has to be past ten. after the first ten positions are taken, everyone else is automatically placed past ten, what would you do then?"

"YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF A POSITION PAST NUMBER TEN, MAGGOT!"

he was shouting praises at you, now? were you to be flattered or offended? were you to cry or laugh?

"er.. thanks?"

"extra training, four in the morning tomorrow, on the training field. do not be late."

"four in the — but i didn't agree to this!" you exclaimed, scandalised. "but that means i get no sleep at all.. regular training starts at eight!"

"TOUGH!" spat the commandant, shrugging. "it depends on just how nice your trainer is."

you pondered for a moment. "that means it's not you then, is it?"

"do you honestly believe, in your right mind, that i would lose an extra three hours of sleep, for you no less?" he questioned, and now fully paying attention, it did make sense, for the enmity between you two was not unrequited after all.

you responded by shaking your head, expecting him to say something after that. when he didn't, you decided that you would ask him about your queries.

"so who is training me?"

"another higher up," he responded vaguely.

you frowned. "yeah, but who?"

"do not chase him away."

you blinked, raising a brow at him skeptically. one, how did he even come to that conclusion? and two, he had completely disregarded your previous question, answering another that you had not even been curious about. unlucky for him then, because you could tell that he desired nothing more than for you to shut up; he had only piqued your interest, resulting in more questions fired back at him.

"why would i chase him away?"

"do you really want me to answer that question?"

"why else would i have asked it?"

"it's a massive jab at your damn ego."

"i don't have a big ego! you're the one who —"

his glare, if possible, had hardened even further. perhaps it wasn't the right time to pick a fight.

you cleared your throat awkwardly.

"do i know this person?"

"what's his name?"

"have i at least seen him before?"

"have i ever been reprimanded by him?"

"what's his —"

"IF YOU DON'T KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, CADET, YOU'LL WISH YOU HADN'T EVER STEP FOOT IN THE TRAINING CORPS!"

you gave him the dirtiest look you could muster, and that threat was not correct at all. for one, you would never back down without a fight, and secondly, it was because you had decided to join the training corps that you had seen captain levi, something that you would never regret, so no amount of fear or punishment could drive you to that wish.

could keith be any more wrong today?

he usually always was wrong when it came to you, but the numbers had increased significantly after this conversation.

without a second word, keith had decided that he had had more than enough of seeing you today, and turned away, marching down the field and into the mess hall. you had decided that he was probably going to torment the other kids now, partly because you had put him in an even more sour mood than usual: you felt no remorse when you heard yelling from a distance. the cadets had really annoyed you today, too.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

you woke up just before four in the morning to freshen up as you usually would do.. but earlier.

mumbling curses and profanities, you made your way over to the training field. it was empty, despite it being four o'clock sharp. typical. whoever your trainer was, he had no regard for etiquette, clearly. you could have decided to come in late, too, but decided otherwise. how hypocritical.

you settled yourself against the brick wall beside the double doors belonging to the mess hall, head tilted back as you gazed up at the night sky. sunrise had not arrived yet, so the stars were still present, glimmering and glittering where they sit against the clouds, dark as the colour of his hair. you wondered whether he was also watching the same stars as you were now, the thought bringing a warm and gentle fire to light up at the centre of your chest where your heart hid behind. the fairy-tale suggestion made no sense, of course. it was four in the morning, he was most likely asleep right now.

you became envious of the fact that you could have been sleeping right now, had it not been for your commandant and his petty rivalry with you.

distracted and dazed, the one thing that pulled you out of your stupor (and the way in which your eyes had been super-glued to the sight above you) footsteps could be heard approaching from in front of you somewhere, the heels of someone's boots clashing against the concrete floors. you averted your gaze immediately, met with the sight of your trainer..

it was instructor claude duvalier!

keith had really gone out of his way this time, it seemed, for the instructor standing before you governed the northern division of the 104th. you were residing at the southern division.

however, before you could say anything as you pushed yourself off the wall, his neutral expression formed into one of horror at the sight of you.

"you?" he cried, looking outraged, scandalised, and betrayed all at the same time.

you were going to politely introduce yourself, before he began shaking his head, taking several steps back. you, on instinct, began taking those same number of steps forward, confused.

"they never told me it was you i had to work with!"

well that wasn't very nice, you thought, beginning to grow agitated and galled.

"well i don't wanna work with you either, then!" you announced, folding your arms over your chest as you sneered at him.

"i don't care!"

"neither do i!"

"he told me it was a 'cadet who was capable'!"

you raised your eyebrows, offended. "you think i'm not capable?"

the instructor was now a great length of distance away from you. he tutted. "the ranking speaks for itself —"

you don't know what came over you, but your eyes flashed. blinded by red, you stomped over to him, furious and indignant, ignoring the look of panic flashing across his features.

"well let me speak for myself," you threatened, getting no where because he dashed away the second you uttered the final word. you contemplated running after him, but thought against it, already fatigued and breathless.

keith was going to give you an earful in the morning.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

"i thought you'd be tired."

"why?"

"you had training today, didn't you?"

".."

"..didn't you?"

"y/n —"

because exams had finished, the timetable had gone back to its usual, dull schedule, and jean, marco, and y/n were currently sitting in the classroom answering practice questions that had previously appeared in their exams. they weren't just any questions of course, only questions that that all cadets commonly got wrong.

"what did you do this time?" groaned jean, who had actually been focusing on the work for the first time. ever since the exams, there had been a new glint in jean's hazel eyes: you chalked it down to being a newfound determination to one-up marco on the list of rankings. because of that, during the classroom sessions (which had been revealed was his weakest) he would keep his head down and only look up to subtly join the conversation between you and marco, answer questions from the teacher, and — perhaps — insult you here and there.

you scowled, wishing that marco wasn't sandwiched in between you so you could kick him. the seating plan used to be different: you used to be placed in between jean and marco, but it had become clear that you and jean could not stop fighting, hence distracting the entire class and annoying your teacher. so, naturally, you had been forced to migrate to a different table, a different seat. this hadn't happened once, of course, because you had somehow managed to distract people everywhere you went. with little patience and a whole lot of tiredness, your teacher finally came to the conclusion that only marco could bring some form of peace between jean and you, which resulted in you reuniting with your friends, but marco separating you.

"i hate how you assume i'm to blame," you told him, brows closing in on each other as you leaned forward into marco's side to speak directly to jean.

jean lifted his pen up to continue writing, eyes trained on his question paper as he spoke. "because when is it not you?"

"now," you answered, irate, "honest!"

"i don't think she's lying," said marco, helpfully. "so what happened, then?"

you re-told the story in one simple sentence.

"he ran away from me."

you did not appreciate the way jean did not bother hiding his laughter. at least marco was biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from even smiling, but jean made absolutely no effort to stop laughing. you had the inexplicable desire to scrunch up your own question sheet and throw it in his open mouth.

"only you," sputtered jean, barely recovering from his rude laughter, "only — you!"

the class had ended not long after, and as you all packed up ready for your break time, you noticed eren (who had been sitting a couple rows up in front of you) looking back and sending you weird looks. you'd seen him trying to catch your eye beforehand too, but ultimately ignored him. you had no doubt in your mind that it most likely had something to do with how you had gotten him into trouble the day before. had it been anyone else, they would have backed off by now, not try to annoy you even further. what will it take for this guy to learn his lesson?

you had been the first to finish packing up, standing behind your tucked in chair as you waited for your slow friends to hurry it up already. however, the drumming of your nails against your chair had come to a halt when your teacher had called out your name abruptly. you lifted your head just the slightest bit to show him that you were listening.

"commandant shadis has called for you."

quiet sniggering sounded around the room; jean had started it, which encouraged others to continue it.

"he's waiting outside for you."

good, you thought to yourself as you walked out of the classroom, thankful, because when he begins to shout at you, at least it won't be in the presence of everyone else.. excusing the fact that they would probably hear him regardless.

sure enough, there he was, standing in his usual straight posture that made him look as stiff as a board. he did not look too pleased, either (not that he ever did, to be fair).

"sir!" you stated, doing the usual salute, a closed fist over your heart with your other arm resting against your back.

"i'm going to ask you very politely," began keith, sounding as though he was containing himself like he would explode if he didn't at least try, "what the hell happened?"

would playing dumb work?

you supposed not.

you decided to stick to the truth.

"he ran away from me."

keith blinked, seemingly tired. you noticed something new about the look on his face, however, as if he wasn't at all too surprised with this information, as if he actually believed you without a doubt, something that he had never actually done before.

his hand came up, and you actually had to think whether he was going to strike you down in anger, but waiting for the blow was useless, especially when you saw that his hand was pressing against his own face, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose as he shut his eyes tight, the lines pulling at each end of his eyes to emphasise his age.

after what seemed like ten dawdling years, the time in which people were now exiting the classrooms, he looked back down at you, sighing. "did he say anything before he ran?"

they never told me it was you i had to work with!

"yeah," you said, nodding. "he was quite rude, actually —"

"in the report he gave me," interrupted keith, exasperated, "he mentioned how you threatened him —"

"i have no regrets."

"WELL YOU SHOULD!"

you didn't know what else you expected but to be yelled at. you winced nonetheless.

keith sighed loudly, reminding you once again just how dramatic the male species was.

"i've found you a new trainer," he informed you firmly. "do not chase this one away, do you hear me? unless you want to end up back in the stables again for a longer period of time, cadet, i suggest you FIX UP!"

"so.. who's my trainer?"

"find out tomorrow, four in the morning."

"but —"

"ARE YOU DEAF?"

"already on my way there with how much you scream in my ear," you grumbled to yourself, walking away after giving him a much more lousier salute.

you hoped this new trainer would actually stick to being your trainer, whoever they were.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

you were most definitely not an early bird by any means. if you had any opportunity to sleep in, you would take it without question. hell, even if you weren't allowed to sleep in, you'd do it regardless of the consequences. it had come to the point where a higher up would have to pour water over your face to get you up and running (there had been a time where you had pretended to be in a very deep sleep, even when it was pretty obvious that no one would be able to sleep through keith's bellowing).

but here you were, up and early, strict on four o'clock sharp as you paced up and down the training field. you had admired the stars merely five minutes earlier as you had nothing to do. perhaps this would have been a little more enjoyable if you were accompanied by jean or marco (you would never let jean know that this had ever come to your mind anyway — everyone knew his ego was higher than his ridiculous height). the mere thought of him made you want to spit on the poor ground.

but four o'clock sharp was definitely valued by your new trainer, a man you had never seen before. he appeared through the dark shadows of the trees that were illuminated by the light the moon gave off to create colossal shapes of blackness over the grass.

exhausted as you were (for you had woken up before four in the morning twice in a week now), you did not bother asking the man who he was, what his occupation at the training corps was, what he ranked during his time here. you simply could not be bothered to, fatigue shown in your face and body (your posture has never been more worse).

so, you went straight for it, asking him what he expected you to do and how to do it.

"so, teach, what am i doing first?"

he was a bit of a buzzkill, you had decided, for he quickly reprimanded you for calling him 'teach'. and not saluting, too.

"twenty push-ups!" he demanded, voice raised yet not loud enough to penetrate the walls hiding the area where the rest of the cadets were peacefully sleeping behind (you envied them so much).

but just because you were tired, that did not mean that you would stand for getting into trouble first thing in the morning (before regular training even begins, that had to be a world record, right?).

"i never did anything wrong, why should i do push-ups this early? i'm tired."

looking thoroughly surprised and irked, the man rose his bushy brow up to reveal the lines on his forehead. it looked like lined paper, and you had an odd sort of desire to simply write over it: buzzkill teach.

"pardon you?" the trainer coughed, brows furrowed to form a deep crease in between.

you froze.

had you said that line out loud?

judging from the stiffness of the man's body and the way in which he was now placing his hand over his forehead told you the troubling answer. you wanted to kick yourself. you apologised several times, but he was simply not having any of it. moments later, he ordered you to do five laps around the field. normally, you would groan and show your dislike for such a tiresome exercise, yet you felt terrible about that comment you had accidentally made, that you silently went for it without complaint.

not for long, though.

one and a half laps in and you were dying, throat constricting and lungs practically collapsing. your legs came to a stop, chest burning for air, heaving forward and back as you took in deep breaths. buzzkill teach had spotted your halt, and had several things to say about it.

he came forward, demanding that you start running again even if one of your legs fell off. he insisted that you leave it behind, even. well that sounded ridiculous to you, and you being you..

well you had to express it. you just had to.

"that's stupid," you stated. "if one of my legs get detached from my body, i'll sue you."

"you'll what?"

"sue you," you repeated, rolling your eyes. "did you not hear me the first time?"

"push-ups, NOW!"

"no."

you were growing really frustrated with buzzkill teach, particularly when he had begun shouting at you not even half an hour later for some reason.

"you think i wanted to be here?" he began, when you had refused to climb up a tree. apparently it was a survival technique or something. "i'm the only one that agreed to train you knowing that it was you, everyone else refused!"

you blinked up at him. "was that supposed to evoke sympathy from me?"

he let out a loud growl of frustration.

you were growing to dislike this man; you knew, deep down in your heart, that you were spiteful with people that you disliked (just look at keith). so, when he had revealed that the first thing you would be properly training for would be hand-to-hand combat -- seeing as he was 'scared' to let you approach odm gear for odm training -- you felt the light from the moon radiate against your skin, allowing you to glow with glee.

"don't do that," he said, as soon as he caught sight of you grinning. "it frightens me."

you tried stopping the curl of your lips, but it was simply inevitable.

you held so much dislike for this trainer of yours, buzzkill teach, that you knew you could vent it all out on HIM through hand-to-hand combat. he probably was not alerted of how good you were at it. although he was a professional (more qualified than you, that was for sure) you eyed his physique, and his mannerisms, and the way he behaved, and the odd stance he took before you fought him, and you knew that this one was certainly in the bag.

you won. of course you did.

and when he was on the floor, you did not stop, pulling him closer to you by the collar and narrowing your eyes at him.

"you look good with that black eye," you told him.

training ended very quickly after that, and when you waved goodbye to him, referring to him as buzzkill teach, he did not reprimand you for it at all.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

keith was not happy with you the next morning.

still, he insisted that you wake up at four in the morning tonight, claiming that he had found a new trainer for you.

"are you pulling these trainers out of a hat or something? how do you find so many?"

"get out of my office."

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

when your alarm had woken you up mercilessly, you felt groggier than usual as you secured your harnesses over your shirt and shoved your arms through the sleeves of your smooth jacket. it was only once you had passed your bedside table again to look for a hair tie, you knew just why: it took you several moments to realise the mistake you had made, blinking at the time that read 3:30am.

like a fool, you had set your alarm (by mistake) to wake you up thirty minutes earlier than expected, leaving you an extra thirty minutes to do absolutely nothing. that time, you realised, could have been best used for some extra sleep.

sighing to yourself in frustration, you aggressively shoved the hair tie into your front pocket, mentally noting how you would wear it once it was time to go out. right now, you had lots of time to spare.

eyeing your bed with a look of desire, you contemplated just lying back and resting your eyes, but decided not to in the end. you knew where it would lead you: in a deep slumber, snoring just like sasha was across the spacious room. you would kill to be in her position, face squished against the soft pillow and body hidden beneath the thick covers.

you became envious very quickly, and whilst you had been wallowing in your self-pity, you had lost track of time. the next time your eyes wandered over to your clock, all you five senses had become buzzed in alarm: it read 3:58am — it usually takes a bit around five minutes to make it down to the training field from the barracks.

jumping off your bed with little regard for the noise you were making (had sasha just turned over on her bed?), you dashed out of your room, heels smacking against the sleek wooden floors as you made your way down the corridor to the training field. perhaps if you took off sprinting, you would make it there in less than five.

heart pumping, with a new stitch forming in your mid-section, you leaned a hand against the wall outside, catching your breath. when you looked up groggily, you were sure your eyes were deceiving you. maybe you had somehow hit your head on the way down here, or maybe you were hitting the next stage of crazy, but was that your new trainer? the little man in the distance, looking irritated and as though he would want to be anywhere else in the world but here?

your husband, levi?

what was going on?

but you couldn't dwell on it any longer, because as you made your way closer and closer to him, he directed his infamous scowl towards you instead, a small crease formed in between his dark brows that were knitting together the longer his stormy, grey eyes were on you.

"you're late," he informed you, clicking his tongue disapprovingly.

really? you thought to yourself, unsure. "what time is it?" you asked, and you were thankful that your voice sounded steady despite the internal conflict going on inside your head.

he threw something at your chest which you (on instinct) grabbed with your hand, pulling it up to your face to examine. it was a pocket watch, and it read 4:01am.

you raised a brow at your lover, turning the pocket watch over so he could see what sight you had been previously met with.

"it's been a minute," you told him when he had remained silent.

he regarded you with little emotion. "a minute too late."

"it's one minute —"

"you're still late —"

"fashionably," you corrected, gesturing to your clothes.

the captain's eyes raked over your body, and you flushed despite yourself.

"the uniform is a requirement," he stated not long after.

you nodded. "fair point, but have you seen the way some of the cadets here wear it? it's all scruffy. what's their excuse when i'm up four hours before regular training and i still clean up nicely?"

he seemed too tired to even argue with you on that, opting to give you a dirty look instead. you smiled nonetheless, which he casually chose to ignore.

"you turn up even half a second late tomorrow, and i'm leaving you here alone. understood?"

you said nothing: he glared at you.

you still said nothing: he exhaled shortly.

"what's wrong with you? you need to take a shit or something?"

you shook your head.

"then what? hurry it up, we're already behind."

"you do realise that i sleep here, right? so you can't actually leave me behind if i choose to —"

"it's an order."

you shrugged. "i have free will."

he tilted his head sideways to regard you with a look of something between annoyance and tiredness. even without the light from daytime to help you decipher the calculating look on his face, you could still see the gears turning in his head, rotating as he stared not even at you, but as if he was staring straight through, directly through your own soul. if he wasn't who he was, you might have been a little intimidated.

"free will to disobey orders?" he challenged, not exactly pleased but not exactly harsh either.

you took this time to stall, slowly, leisurely, and steadily placing the pocket watch he had handed you in your back pocket. his eyes kept darting from you to something else, you could not tell what it was, but you hoped that he hadn't spotted you skilfully stealing.

he seemed to have decided that talking to you was a mere waste of time, for he promptly turned away and announced that you had to run three laps around the wide field as a warm up; you choked on your own spit.

"why aren't we starting with stretches?" you asked, startled. "we always start with stretches —"

"are you questioning my orders?" he interrupted icily. despite the fact that he was facing you, back against one of the colossal trees, it was as if he wasn't actually looking at you.

you exhaled, defeated. "no."

"no?"

"sir," you finished, resisting the urge to roll your eyes.

perhaps it would be better to see the brighter side of things, like you usually chose to do. captain levi was not keith, so there would be no reason to defy his commands. furthermore, he was captain levi — you'd do whatever he asked even if it was to lick mud off his boot.

so, smiling, you spent the next twenty minutes or so running around the training field, the sky barely turning even a single shade brighter as you continued. every time you looked up, admiring the stars and the very precise placement of each one against the smoky clouds, you'd hear the captain bark at you to focus, he event went through the trouble of calling you an imbecile, too. how nice of him.

after half of the second lap was complete, your legs wobbled, and an annoying stitch was beginning to form at your side. had it been anyone else from the 104th, they would have continued running even if one of their limbs had fallen off, but you had more self-respect than anyone.

so you dropped to the floor, stomach flat against the concrete with your cheek resting against it. he wanted you to complete three laps? what a joke. you loved that man, truly, you did, but this was only proof that you needed to spend more time together. he clearly did not know you well enough as he truly believed that you were capable of completing that monstrosity of an order.

the concrete felt cool under your skin, a scarce contrast to how warm your body felt. if only you could just lie here forever —

but a force was now pulling your head up by your hair (and it was not gentle at all). before you could even let out a groan of protest, there was a voice in your ear, deep and familiar.

"what do you think you're doing?" captain levi demanded, harsh.

you shut your eyes, wanting to feel the coolness against your cheek again. however, when you tried to drop your head, you felt a sharp pain tug at the roots of your hair: the captain was still holding on for dear life, it seemed.

"i can't do it," you admitted, still trying to lower your head. "three laps is too much."

he did not miss a beat when responding. "and that's why you're nearly at the bottom of the ranking list."

you raised your head, turning to look at him with a frown. you had not realised just how close he had gotten, so when your eyes had lifted to stare up at his, you noticed how he had leaned back ever so slightly. even so, you replied as if you hadn't noticed.

"thirty-eight," you said, begrudgingly. "that's not near the bottom —"

"anything below ten is near the bottom," he declared, pulling on your hair as if to drill the thought into your head through painful discipline.

you yelped, a hand flying up to grab at his — which was extremely unrelenting, you had to add — to ease the pain. not even a second later, he loosened his iron grip, your hair slipping through his fingers as you dropped. you awaited the pain that would come when your skull crashed against the hard ground, yet it never arrived.

instead, your forehead met the soft palm of captain levi's hand, a protector, a barrier, even, between you and the concrete beneath you.

you laid there for a moment, unmoving. you expected him to leave you there, removing his hand, yet it seemed that he had no intention to, for he remained, perhaps for a minute or so, before slowly taking his hand back. slowly, maybe, to warn you that your head would be meeting the ground again: you raised your head to help.

"could have given yourself a concussion," you heard him say, and the sound of shuffling that filled the next few seconds of silence told you that he was standing now, now longer crouched over you, "idiot."

"i could have lost both my legs, actually," you corrected, staring up at him. he was glaring, as per usual. "and it was because of your order, making me run three laps —"

"which you haven't even completed," he interrupted, arms folded over his chest with a sneer on his face. "you have half a lap to go."

"but —"

"stop wasting time."

so, reluctantly, you got up, dusting yourself off (he tutted when all that dirt came flying off your clothes with each pat), and you completed the last half of your laps.. not without some scolding, though. every time you began skipping instead of running, he would make very.. creative.. violent threats about what he would do to you. on one occasion, you actually laughed when he said he'd break your legs and use them as blades for the coming-expedition.

isn't it just so cute when your husband wants to show you off to everyone? you thought so too.

the second you reached the finish line of your three laps, he could not let out a single syllable before you dropped again, spent.

"are we done yet?" you sighed, exhausted.

"it's only been.." he began, but paused, as if realising something. the scowl he wore the entire time you had been here had turned to something worse. "oi, where's my pocket watch?"

you tensed; you hoped he did not catch you looking guilty.

"i've got a stitch in my side," you complained, praying that he would not notice the way you were attempting to change the conversation and direct his focus elsewhere. "hey, can you give me a massage?"

"like hell," he scoffed, annoyed. "now give it back."

you sat up, legs outstretched and elbows holding your weight. you grinned.

"give what back?"

"you know what."

"really?"

"don't act stupid."

"it's not an act."

"i have never met anyone who proudly admits to being stupid."

"well now you have."

"shocker," he said, and something about the tone of his voice told you that he was finally giving up. "i'm so surprised it's you."

you observed his perfect face.

"i don't even know if you're being sarcastic or not," you revealed truthfully, lifting an arm up. he raised a brow at your hand but made no movement to touch it. "help me up?"

"no."

"buzzkill."

"what did you just call me?"

you laughed, at last deciding to stand up on your own.

"so erwin told me you're always so unbothered —" you told him, as if telling a story.

"when did you get time to speak to him? —"

"and hange mentioned how you basically never react," you continued as if you hadn't heard him, "and all it took was being called a 'buzzkill' for you to be offended?"

"no, you brat," he denied swiftly, "you refuse to give me back my pocket watch."

"i don't have it," you lied, looking over your shoulder dramatically. "it must've fell when you made me do those three laps —"

"are you blaming me?" he asked, as if challenging you to a verbal contest with a higher up.

you looked him in the eye. "karma's a real female dog."

his eyebrows actually rose up at that comment, the first sign of real emotion you had seen from him today.

"did you just state the definition of 'bitch'?"

"i don't swear," you answered, clearing the confusion if there had been any. "it's improper and not very lady-like."

one brow of his raised higher than the other.

"you care about being lady-like?" he questioned, as if it were something supernatural and unbelievable.

your brows began knitting together, looking up at the captain with offence.

"why wouldn't i?" you questioned, folding your arms over your chest.

but it seemed that the captain had no interest in indulging in such a conversation with you.. or indulging in any conversation with you, for his usual scowl deepened and his posture (if even possible) straightened further.

"correct me if i'm wrong, but i've been told hand-to-hand combat is your forte."

"mhm," you hummed, nodding. "i've taken down guys that are much bigger than me."

"i don't doubt that," he replied, calm. "you already disarm people verbally."

you raised your brows.

"i don't know what that means."

"doesn't matter," he commented, "do you think you could handle fighting against me?"

you blinked, almost completely stupefied at the question. usually you were the one rendering people speechless with your questions and statements, so it had completely shocked you that you found yourself in that position other people were usually in: at loss for words.

you knew why you were hesitating, though, unlike everyone else who had once been in your shoes. captain levi wasn't that tall, though you could tell he had a nice build under all the clothes he was wearing, but size really did not matter, not when you (much smaller than reiner) managed to flip him over your back with ease. after all, facts quite literally prove that captain levi is humanity's strongest soldier. if size ever mattered, then the many titans he had managed to slay would have never been killed under his watch.

but, foolishly, you pushed the statistics at the back of your mind, smiling as you answered him.

"yes."

he raised a brow. and for once in your life, though you enjoyed the night in a way no one else could, you wished that it had been slightly brighter — you could have seen the look in his grey eyes, then.

captain levi thought to humour you for a bit. "what makes you so confident?"

you shrugged.

"i've only ever heard that you were good at fighting titans."

"you think you're a challenge after the titans?"

"no," you responded, "but you need odm gear to finish the titans off, don't you? hand-to-hand requires no weapons."

captain levi did not look impressed, nor did he look unimpressed with your response. he was a closed off book with a lock preventing any form of penetration, therefore you were unable to read him and understand what he means when he says such vague things, or even when he stands idly by, offering no reply to your thoughtful comments.

"ok," he settled on saying, his shoulders lifting slightly in what looked like a half-shrug.

and then you found yourself on the floor mere moments after he had declared that you fight him. you went easy on him, because there was no way you could actually bring yourself to injure your special man, yet it seemed that he did not hold the same regard for you.

"are you even trying?" he spat out, exasperated. "there's no way you were able to take down people that possess ten times your weight with that."

you were on your feet quicker than you had ever been. perhaps you ought to actually try this time.

"you didn't let me marinate my advances yet!" you complained, turning away from his watchful gaze. "i have to stretch before i do anything."

he kept his gaze set on your back, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "are you going to go out in the real world and tell your opponents to halt the fight just so you can stretch?"

whilst stretching your arm, you craned your neck over your shoulder to eye him blankly.

"why wouldn't i?"

he pinched the bridge of his nose with his eyes shut, a crease forming between his brows where they closed in on each other, almost as if he had completely given up with you.

"stretch, then," he ordered, enervated.

when you were done stretching (the time in which you tried to gain his attention with more obscene movements — he did not go through the trouble of stopping himself when he asked if you keith had taught you those; you stopped angrily) you faced him once more, both of you taking your positions.

"ladies first," he had said, aloof.

"well apparently i'm not so lady-like, and you have very nice feminine features, so —"

he threw the first punch. it landed directly on your nose. you stumbled back, surprised.

"ow!"

but you had no time to complain, because he was charging at you again. you prepared yourself this time, grabbing onto his arm that swung at you with both hands and then kicking him in the stomach. he let out the smallest of grunts, which told you that you weren't doing too bad, before you went in for a second kick which he stop by grabbing your raised leg with his free hand.

there was only one solution then:

with both your hands occupied by that one arm of his, and your one leg held in his free hand, you decided you would bend yourself backwards so he would go flying over your top.

it worked, of course, but he had a swift landing, unlike everyone else you had competed with. that did not mean that he hadn't stumbled ever so slightly.

because he did. and then he turned around. and you knew what you would do then.

you ran at him, practically tackling him to the floor, and you landed on top of him, with a victorious look painted over your face when you caught sight of the baffled expression painted over his.

you straddled his hips, laughing at his startled face. you would have preferred it if his hands were placed on your hips, but instead, they were spread out on either of his sides, like the arms of a literal star.

you grinned. "did i win?"

the disconcerted look on his face had since then been replaced with a look of annoyance.

"no," he stated, putting emphasis on both letters in that single word.

you sent him a look of defiance. "that's not playing by the rules!"

"there are no rules," he shot back, visibly irritated. "now get off of me."

begrudgingly and reluctantly, you clambered off of him, sitting beside him as he sat up, dusting himself off.

"the floor is disgusting," he stated, grimacing. "you took me by surprise."

"no one's ever just.. floored you?" you asked, curious. he shook his head. "not very smart. it's my go-to move."

"why?"

"'cause the reaction is funny."

"well your hand-to-hand is fine."

"just fine?"

"don't push it."

"sorry."

he stood up, glaring at the floor.

"we don't have to work on that then."

and your heart dropped. it was the only part of training where you could actually find a reason to touch the captain without refusal. if you did not train for hand-to-hand, then you would not be able to touch him ever again.

a light bulb rose over your head, clicking on the second you had started planning. if you were bad at hand-to-hand, that meant that you had to keep practising regardless.

so just pretend to be bad at it.

"round 2!" you declared excitedly, standing up and placing both your hands on your hips.

captain levi had already decided what his thoughts were on that. "no."

"why not?"

"it's a waste of time, you already know how to —"

"one more time!" you pleaded, stepping forward. "one more time!"

and that was how you found yourself on your back, staring up at him with pain shooting up your spine. you did not play it lightly like you thought you would need to, because he was relentless either way.

captain levi clicked his tongue in distaste.

"you're doing it on purpose."

"huh?"

"i should've known."

"i'm confused."

"when are you not?"

you blinked up at him, baffled as your chest heaved up and down. nobody told you that the captain was that good at hand-to-hand, and now you had to pay the price, spine burning with pain and stomach flipped over in exhaustion.

he stood over you, the pool of grey in his eyes darkening in realisation.

"get up," he demanded icily.

"help me up," you shot back, lip curling.

his eyebrows rose, and for the first time, you saw the tiniest bit of emotion protruding from the man you knew to be void of any feelings. he scowled, eyes narrowing as he nudged your leg with his foot.

"are you aware of just how annoying you are?" he asked you, still as monotoned as ever.

you laughed, taking him by mild surprise.

"not annoying enough to have you ignore me, apparently."

and you noticed, with satisfaction blooming in your drained body, how he did not bother denying it.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

i made my promise that i'd return in june, didn't i? :)

all characters belong to hajime isayama, apart from y/n, who i've inserted into the story myself.

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[atopvisenyashill]

What if Rhaenyra and Alicent's children took after their mothers in appearances?

this is difficult for me bc the answer is “everything” and “nothing at all.”

rhaenyra has a much easier time convincing people the children are laenor’s bc the only evidence the greens & vaemond put forth is that they don’t look like laenor’s kids (which tbh, in a time before dna testing, saying “hey these kids look suspiciously like the mail man i mean the captain of the guard” is great evidence). if the three oldest LOOK Valyrian, then not only is Rhaenyra’s reputation much better bc she’s not considered an adulterous whore, but it leaves the greens with only one real argument against her and that’s HER gender and not that she doesn’t have a proper heir. The gender argument is still incredibly good because it’s the argument the greens push anyway - Boremund, Peake, Aemond, and that expired jar of mayo Orwyle all explicitly say that their issue is a woman inheriting the throne! Whether Laenor lives in this situation affects a lot as well; if he’s less stressed at court it’s possible he’s a better political ally to Rhaenyra so he doesn’t get offed for being useless & Laenor as Prince Consort during the Dance is just leaps and bounds better than Daemon.

HOWEVER. Alicent’s children looking like her actually gives Rhaenyra a new argument - something something, my son & heir is of Pure Valyrian Blood, look at him with his Pure Valyrian Looks and look at my brown haired baby brother. This can certainly be overlooked by being cool and riding a dragon - pls see Rhaenys and Meleys - but even flying on the prettiest dragon might not be enough goodwill to get people to overlook The Everything about Aegon not even wanting to be king. And an Aegon who doesn’t want to be king AND doesn’t even look Valyrian AND his sister has a true born son that looks Valyrian? Even if a faction forms up around Aegon - and to be clear it definitely still would because Otto will still be pushing it - I think it becomes an uphill battle to get Aegon to actually take up the crown.

I would say that they’d deal with this by betrothing Helaena and Jace but the thing about the Targaryens is that they are their own biggest opps so I genuinely don’t know if Rhaenyra, Viserys, or Alicent would see the sense in combining their lines & do this or if Rhaenyra still decides “Laena & Daemon are my besties of course I’m tying our lines & ensuring Daemon fights for me in the upcoming political showdown” (even tho Daemon was never gonna fight for Alicent in a million years) or if Laenor pushes for a different betrothal (either a smarter one that gets them allies, like betrothing Jace to one of the Baratheon girls, or wants to combine his line with his sisters & pushes for Baela/Rhaena anyways). If Jace and Helaena DON’T marry I think there’s still going to be a succession crisis, and if they still decide to use their dragons to fight that crisis, it’s still destructive no matter what. The main issue is that if Rhaenyra can make the greens look bad, they have less of a foothold in ousting her, but can Rhaenyra use the fact that her sons are legitimate well enough to shore up support? On her own I don’t think so - she got a lot of support in canon even with the boys looking like Harwin, but also needlessly shot herself in the foot like several times as well so - but with Jacaerys by her side (and potentially Laenor as well) I do think she’d have a better shot at taking & holding Westeros bloodlessly over Aegon. But again - while Otto focuses on Rhaenyra being a whore (bc they live in a hellscape and it’s a great argument) the issue is Andal succession laws & Jaehaerys. There was always going to be conflict surrounding Rhaenyra taking the throne. If she can make an ally out of Alicent somehow or even completely bury Alicent’s arguments (ie, why do your kids look like Criston Cole or something to that affect), the issue becomes more akin to Aenys’ problems of having a few unruly lords. Jacaerys and Laenor are good politicians though, as is Corlys, and if she doesn’t have the legitimacy of her children being questioned, i think she has an easier time but that doesn’t mean it might not still come to war.