#he had such a low chance of saying that to someone whos queer and somehow he managed to achieve it

[felixsaysstuff]

I hope the dude who called me a fake lesbian because I joked that my friend was my wife, and then stared at me blanky when i started laughing, has a great day, because he makes me giggle to myself too often

[dgcatanisiri]

Right. THAT is why I don’t watch every video essay that passes through my recommendations, just because it’s about a subject of queerness. Because it wants to talk about one of the biggest examples of queerbaiting as if it existed in isolation from everything else that happened in that fandom.

I need to blow off some steam here.

When it comes to addressing issues of St*rek, you CAN. NOT. divorce the discussion of how the show queerbaited the audience from the audience’s racism. The show had a canon queer character (of color) and centered around a character of color. And, when it came to fan content, what I would usually see come about, if the above two were involved AT ALL? Was crap like this.

A gif of Scott and Stiles, Stiles going for a fist bump, Scott a five, and them just rolling with it, with the text below bringing up a “stoned fratboy” AU. And the very next reblog text drops Scott IMMEDIATELY and makes it into a St*rek thing. Nothing about this show mattered but the characters of Stiles and Derek.

This will forever be what that pairing is associated with in my mind. The erasure of Scott to prop it up, even when it’s not even the subject.

The thing is, this pairing has ALWAYS been my go-to of straight people translating the dynamics of straight relationships onto queer couples, a translation that always misses the mark - aesthetic attraction aside, you aren’t going to genuinely fall for and proceed to act on an attraction to someone who is legitimately aggressive to you. The bully and the bullied do not ACTUALLY end up together, because the bully has made it clear that, if they were given the chance, they’d leave you bloody, not your heart a-flutter. 

AND THAT WAS THE DYNAMIC. For the better part of Derek’s time on the show, he did not give a single flying fornication about Stiles - his focus was on SCOTT. On how Scott - the “Teen Wolf” of the series name - was now a werewolf, how that made a connection between them, as pack. Derek legitimately threatened Stiles with bodily harm on multiple occasions - and in a few occasions off the top of my head, actually followed through with it. Stiles was something that Derek had to put up with, and routinely made it clear that he didn’t particularly care to.

It doesn’t matter how flustered Stiles might have gotten about Derek, the genuine reality always was that Derek DIDN’T care about Stiles. It was not until the show began actively leaning in to the queerbaiting that we saw any positive shift in their interactions. Until that point, it was a lot of antagonism, and, again, antagonism may have often been used to describe straight pairings, but... I mean, people, even the straights are reaching the point of calling out this shit as being unhealthy dynamics at best. 

But they were attractive white guys who breathed in the same room, while being the only romantically unattached characters in the main cast during the first season. Despite the fact that both had plenty of interactions with other characters that could have offered them something with more foundation - Scott and Stiles are best friends who are as close as brothers, Derek is after Scott to join the pack. Stiles on screen is pestering Danny about “am I attractive to gay guys?” and then got him to come over to his bedroom (it’s the same scene as that infamous “Derek in Stiles’s bedroom” bit, not that anyone ever discusses that...) Hell, go in the direction of the dynamic above, Scott and Jackson are rivals on the lacrosse team throughout Jackson’s time. Yet, even with that being the same dynamic AND not involving either character - so not “conflicting” with the ship while offering the same draw in terms of their interactions - it’s a barely touched ship when you look it up on AO3.

So we have the fandom actively AVOIDING featuring the characters of color, diminishing them, and, based on my experience in terms of the content that existed throughout the time of the show’s airing, even transplanting Scott’s characterization over to Stiles - Stiles is the snarky shit who doesn’t mind suggesting killing a perceived threat because he wants the danger dealt with directly, while Scott is the compassionate nurturer who will do everything in his power to find a solution that saves the most lives. But I recall a lot of trying to make Stiles out as “the pack mom!friend,” as if he’d be the one taking care of all these characters if they showed up unexpectedly. 

Like, that example always came with the way he positioned himself over Isaac and Erica in the episode “Raving.” The way that actually is him using them as a shield - if the kanima broke through the door they were pressed against, it’d hit them first, giving Stiles time to run away. But sure, he’s the pack mama, looking out for the baby betas.

When Stiles or Derek suggest or do something morally questionable, they’re justified. When Scott disagrees, he’s the worst. When Derek betrays Scott (working with Peter in season one), his actions are brushed off entirely. When Scott (justifiably) does not trust Derek (his plan for dealing with Gerard in the season two finale), he’s a horrible person for leaving Derek in the dark - even though Derek has spent the whole season actively preying on a group of teenage outcasts, threatening to kill anyone he believes is the kanima, and just generally being a variety flavor bag of dicks.

The fandom diminished Scott, and it even diminished Danny - at the same time that we had Danny and Ethan’s relationship in season three, there were still calls for “a gay couple” on the show. Like, that was the way it was looked at, that “we need a gay couple,” exact words. Because Danny/Ethan was not main cast, or, to put it bluntly since I already said this was a matter of racism, because Danny wasn’t white, this canon gay relationship was ignored and erased in the name of getting the two white boys to kiss. Not “a gay couple in the main cast.” Just “a gay couple.”

For the record, I’m not gonna touch on the age gap element, Stiles at 16, Derek in his early 20s, even though I know it’s become a popular thing to go into as time has gone on - in today’s example of “nuance is a thing,” the nuance of this is that we have adult actors playing teenage characters, which creates muddied waters since fictional construct says one thing, but your eyes and head are seeing actors of a more appropriate age interacting, and while I don’t condone it IRL, this is still fiction and I’m gonna just leave that alone for the time being. The core of my complaint overall here is that fandom was inventing this relationship wholesale and then getting pissy when canon didn’t conform and actors disagreed.

So when you have an interview where, after a few years of being asked repeatedly about “is St*rek gonna happen?” when he plays neither character, when this show is supposedly meant to center on his character, but no one seems to talk to him ABOUT his character, when these “fans” are minimizing him and his character, Tyler Posey makes a snippy remark about how this is “weird, twisted, bizarre, and they’re watching for the wrong thing”? Yeah, actually. He’s right. St*rek shippers WERE watching for the wrong thing.

In the eyes of these shippers, Scott could do no right if it would mean that Derek was wrong. To them, “Teen Wolf” was a description of Stiles (the teen) and Derek (the wolf), and Scott was an incidental character at best. And how dare anyone involved be at all upset over this.

But the videos on queerbaiting NEVER bring this stuff up. And, when those from outside the fandom, who report on these in autopsy fashion, bring up things like Tyler Posey’s comment, they do it in a manner that even suggests that he - the actor who was nineteen/twenty years old at the time of the show’s filming and premiere - was responsible for the various forms of queerbaiting that the producers pushed, like the infamous “Dylan O’Brien and Tyler Hoechlin cuddling on a ship” thing. So, you know, just perpetuating this attitude that permeated this fandom, of this casual low-level racism. 

But no, this never comes up. But speaking as someone who was there during the height of Teen Wolf’s Tumblr popularity? Oh, it ABSOLUTELY was everywhere. But, because the people doing these autopsies were in the midst of this (and, while I’m acknowledging this at the end of this ranting, I do want to be clear that I am speaking about this fandom as an entity in its own right, and not any singular individual in and of themselves, I don’t think that all shippers of this ship are racist or that shipping it is in and of itself racist, just that as an overall experience of this fandom is this core of) or they came after the show’s heyday and missed it, know the pairing for being queerbaited before they know the show/fandom/pairing itself... They’re not seeing it. They’re not talking about it. And it makes for a deep failing in these examinations. Because that racism is why the pairing got as popular as it did. Again, there were other pairings with other foundations available. And yet somehow, it’s the white guys who hate each other getting all the attention in the fandom, over anything else. 

[randomoranges]

lamao so like this is a thing that happens, right? course it is. anyways, there was more to this but it’s like it’s own thing so it’ll be a part two maybe one day. 

you can’t ever tell me i’ve never written canon mongary now. you’re welcome.

To Kiss Amongst Friends

20??

Calvin fiddles with his hands, nervous, and licks his lips in – anticipation, mostly. Maybe. He’s not sure. He’s thought this over way too many times and he’s still – unsure whether or not this is something he really wants to do or really wants to say or bring up. But – it’s been – actual years now and he can’t deny that he doesn’t think about it, but he also would much rather completely never think about this ever again. Not because it’s bad, but – he’d never really thought this would be a thing that would apply to him.

 “So, you’re sure? This can be a one off and that’s it?”

 He asks the man sitting beside him and he nods, reassuring, but Calvin’s heart is a flutter and his nerves are a right old mess. He knows this is stupid, on some level, but it’s exciting as much as it’s frightening.

 “Of course,” The man tells him.

 Calvin nods. He’s spoken about this with Edward and even though he’d known that Edward wouldn’t mind, he had needed to run it over with his boyfriend. Luckily, said boyfriend had given him his blessing and so, here he was now.

 It had all started years back now. One little incidental accidental innocent kiss that had meant nothing, but had left him wondering. Then that one kiss had turned into a second and then a third, and then he’d lost count. (He hadn’t lost count. He knew. His brain had registered each and every one. Had catalogued how different they were from Edward’s kisses. It had been a thing, apparently.)

 The problem was that, for starters, Calvin had never really thought of himself as a queer man of any type. Then, once he’d started seeing Edward – fooling around with him or whatever one called it, he’d figured it was a phase of some sorts. Some type of self-discovery thing that would pass. However, instead of passing, it had turned into actual feelings. It had taken him enough time to come to terms with that and his own sexuality, but – it had all worked out! He and Edward had talked it over and they’d committed to their relationship! He’d been on cloud nine and everything had been perfect. Mostly. But – it had been good. (It still was, thank you very much.)

 The whole Étienne debacle had been the first real test and he should have known at the time – should have listened to the little voice in his head telling him that this would spell disaster later – that the Étienne equation would complicate things.

 But – Calvin had done his utmost best to be the bigger man about it. Really tried. And – he liked to believe he had succeeded.

 So long as Edward still actually loved him, he was fine. He was a modern man. He could be open-minded about his boyfriend having a boyfriend that wasn’t him. And plus, Étienne was a cool guy. It was fine! He’d come to accept the fact that Edward loved two men and he’d even made a new real friend out of Étienne. It was great! They all got along! They had a whole system he had devised! Edward could love two men and he’d love Edward and it was fine. This was how they worked. The world was awesome that way, and such.

 But, Étienne did not play his games. He’d been warned. By others. By Étienne himself. By Edward even. And Calvin had laughed and brushed it off.

 And now, here he was, years later, with a very annoying and frustrating problem.

 He’d tasted the forbidden fruit and now he craved for more, so to say.

 Each accidental kiss with Étienne had left him curious for more. He’d ignored it. Had brushed it off. Had played it cool, but there were times when he wondered what it would be like – to really kiss Étienne and each time he’d been left wondering what the heck that even meant.

 He knew how Étienne was; had asked him and had asked Edward. He knew Étienne had a different view on intimate things and it had surprised Calvin that even he could – potentially – want to do stuff with someone else. He was very happy with Edward. He’d always figured he was a one dude man. But – well, Étienne had soft lips and he was a good kisser. Even if it was accidental.

 And – Étienne was, well, attractive.

 But that was Edward’s scene. Not his.

 Or, so he thought.

 After years of laughing every accidental kiss off and of pretending they didn’t mean anything, he’d finally looked himself in the mirror and admitted that there was a curiosity in regards to Étienne M Maisonneuve that had grown and that lived within him. He’d eventually summed up the courage to tell Edward, in case Edward would have any reservations over the matter, but Edward had clapped him on the back and told him to talk it over with Étienne. He’d even assured him Étienne would help him figure it out.

 And so, after sitting on it for a longer while still, Calvin had finally brought it up with Étienne.

 Which brings them to their current conversation.

 “You sure you’re okay with kissing for a bit? To get it out of my system?”

 He’s so nervous about this. It feels completely silly. To ask Étienne if they can make-out so he can get these thoughts out of his head and then move on with their lives. It almost feels like he’s asking a stranger for something even more surreal.

 “Absolutely,” Étienne reassures him, “Look – I don’t see kissing, or even sex for that matter, as something that you solely do with your One True Love, or whatever. It’s something enjoyable you get to do with someone else who consents to it. You’re not declaring your unwavering devotion to me just because we kiss and you’re not throwing Edward to the curb either. So, don’t worry about it.”

 He nods. Étienne is right. He loves Edward. That hasn’t changed. And Edward is aware that there’s a high chance he’s going to kiss Étienne. Just Like That. Because he – wants to.

 “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Étienne ads and part of Calvin really would want to postpone this – or, never really do this, but – a much bigger part of him wants to. He’s spent too many waking hours daydreaming about this over the years.

 “No – it’s fine, I want to. M’just – nervous.” He rubs at his neck and Étienne chuckles softly.

 “That’s alright; we can take this slow. No pressure.”

 He nods again, thankful, but doesn’t do anything to move on to the next part.

 “Here, let me,” Étienne places a sure hand on his thigh and leaves it there to give him a moment to get used to it. Calvin stares at Étienne’s hand and marvels at the paint speckles he can see by his knuckles, the fading paper cut across his thumb and the somehow or other immaculate nail art. He watches the colours, takes in the shapes and forms, and somehow or other feels grounded by it all.

 “Is this okay?” Étienne asks and Calvin realises that his friend has moved a little bit closer, is sitting a little bit nearer and this time, when his heart rate picks up, it’s for the good reasons.

 “Yes,” He whispers. Étienne grins and gives his thigh a little squeeze. He likes it. The way Étienne squeezes his thigh. He takes in the smile etched on his friend’s face and tries not to stare at Étienne’s lips for too long. They’re different from Edward’s. He can tell. Étienne’s lips are fuller, he thinks. Or, they seem to be. And Calvin knows they’re soft. Would know by all the chapstick he’s seen Étienne put on. By all the tubes he’s found. Knows because he’s felt those lips against his own. Wants to feel them again to make sure they’re still as soft.

 Étienne moves his hand from his thigh to his face and cups his cheek with it. His hand is surprisingly warm for someone who’s constantly cold, but it’s strong and sure against his skin. He feels the pad of Étienne’s thumb caress his cheek and Calvin’s breath hitches. He closes his eyes on instinct, revels in the feel of Étienne’s hand on his face and savours the moment.

 “Is this okay?” Étienne asks again and when he takes note of Étienne, his friend has leaned in closer to him, the gap between their bodies merely suggested. He can feel Étienne’s body heat from where they are and on instinct he moves his arm so that Étienne can be closer still.

 “Yes,” He repeat and Étienne’s thumb ghosts over his lips. He thinks it’s unfair how unfazed Étienne seems by all of this, while his heart is a ricocheting mess, but maybe it makes everything easier. This way, he can let Étienne guide him and take charge – ease him into their first actual kiss. He does it so flawlessly too; tilts his head to the side and presses close – closer still, so that he can brush his lips against his own. It’s soft, just like Calvin remembers, but this time he can enjoy it without (too much) shame.

 Étienne’s lips move against his and luckily, there is still one part of Calvin’s brain that is functional. He kisses Étienne back, wraps his arms around his friend’s body, and pulls him to him, so that it’s easier for both of them. Étienne rearranges himself moments later, moves and shifts until he’s sitting on his lap and when Calvin dares look at him, he’s momentarily struck by the green of Étienne’s eyes.

 “Is this okay?” He checks in again, lips a little wet and it does something to Calvin to know that they’re wet because of him.

 “Yes,” He replies, this time with more confidence and Étienne grins and dips low to kiss him again and Calvin’s hands find the small of his back and keep him there, sitting on his lap.

 The kisses are soft and chaste; a series of lips against lips, gentle and easy, but Calvin wants more and so when he pulls back to look at Étienne, Étienne grins, and then gives him a small nod, before he leans down again. However, this time, when he kisses him, it’s slower and when he feels the tip of Étienne’s tongue against the seam of his lips, Calvin gasps and as his lips part, Étienne slides in to find his tongue.

 It gets messier and headier after that. Calvin grasps Étienne’s shoulders, manages to tangle a hand in his hair, and kisses him with fervour. It’s years of pent up curiosity finally unleashed and it’s even better than he thought it could have been. He’s about to consider maybe slipping a hand under Étienne’s shirt, if his friend would be alright with that, when Étienne pulls back and gives him a kind smile.

 “You know there’s not a time limit to this, right?”

 He gives Étienne a puzzled look and Étienne responds by placing a languid kiss to the shell of his ear, then to his chin, and then to the corner of his mouth, “Even if we just make-out once, we can still enjoy it; you don’t have to rush.” He clarifies.

 Calvin’s cheeks colour with embarrassment at that. He’d gotten a little eager, maybe, and had thought that perhaps it would have been best to get this over and done with. Étienne surely had better things to do, but it seemed as though his friend didn’t mind.

 “Here, like this,” He says and then kisses him again, soft and silken smooth and oh so good.

 He lets Étienne kiss him, lets him mould their lips together, and forgets to over think this whole thing. He chases back every one of Étienne’s languid kisses and asks for more when his friend teases to pull away. He has to admit even to himself that this is – nice. He likes the way Étienne feels sitting on his lap, likes the way his arms wrap around Étienne’s frame and he comes to realise that he really likes the soft little moans that Étienne let’s out after each and every kiss. He likes that he can get such a reaction out of Étienne.

 When they pull apart to catch their breaths sometime later, Calvin finds that Étienne’s cheeks are flushed and rosy and he gives him a pleased sort of smile as he nuzzles their noses together. Something inside of Calvin purrs in content at the sight of Étienne’s kiss swollen lips knowing that they’re like that because of him. He likes that Étienne keeps a hold of him, lets his hands fall to his chest and then wrap behind his neck, before they start kissing again.

 He likes that Étienne’s hands start roaming his body; start touching his chest, the nape of his neck – gasps when he feels him tug a little on his hair, but what really surprises him is when he feels Étienne grind down against him – and then he goes on to reciprocate.

 Calvin has no idea how it is they went from just kissing to touching and moving against each other, but he can’t help but moan when Étienne starts kissing down his neck. He’s already half-hard, can tell that Étienne is as well, and he figures he can think all of this over later – that he can freak out over this later, but just as he’s thinking of pinning Étienne down on the couch, his friend pulls back quickly and abruptly.

 “Étienne?” He asks, as if in a daze.

 “This isn’t what we’d agreed to.”

 It dawns on him then that Étienne is right. They’d agreed to a bit of making-out for fun. He didn’t even know if Étienne wanted to go beyond that with him, regardless of how his body had reacted. He also realises that he’d considered going the full way – having sex with Étienne, without any further thought to the matter – and the realisation is like a bucket of cold water down his back.

 “Crap – I’m sorry – I’m – got carried away,” He tries to disentangle himself from Étienne, but it’s too complicated with him right there on his lap. Étienne laughs, and it does nothing to calm his suddenly returned nerves, but Étienne puts a hand to his shoulder and offers him a kind smile that reassures him a little.

 “Hey, it’s okay; like I said, I don’t mind. Sex is sex. I just wanted to make sure you were okay with this.”

 Calvin blinks and actually thinks it over. Étienne wouldn’t mind. Étienne would willingly have sex with him. It’s – good to know, but he’s not sure – doesn’t know if – needs time to – figure things out.

 “Doesn’t have to mean anything either,” He rectifies as if he can tell what it is that Calvin’s over thinking.

 “I – yes – well, could we –,” He sighs, frustrated with the mixed signals his mind and body are giving him.

 “Doesn’t have to be today either – or ever. I won’t hate you for it.”

 It sounds like something silly to say, but it does quell some of Calvin’s fears. He’d hate for his friend to think he’d strung him on, or that he’d only used him to satisfy himself, but – he knows Étienne isn’t like that and it’s comforting to hear him remind him.

 “Yeah?” He asks, still, to make sure.

 “Of course,” Étienne caresses his face and it’s gentle and friendly and not heated like before. Calvin lets out a relieved sigh and leans into the contact, grateful.

 “Thanks. I need – time. Process things. Mull them over.”

 “That’s fine; whatever it is you want to do, it’s fine.”

 “Even if it’s just – explorative?”

 “Absolutely; consider yourself lucky to have a friend who won’t mind if you wanna kiss or fuck and who won’t hold it against you even if it was just a onetime deal. If you want, cool, if you don’t, cool as well. The offer is on the table and you get to chose what you want to do with it.” He’s so sincere about it and Calvin realises that he really is lucky. Not just for this but for so many others things as well.

 Calvin hugs him, which ends up surprising Étienne, but he feels much better about it.

 “Thanks,” He says and Étienne offers him a smile and pecks his cheek. It’s friendly and light and Calvin’s mind clears up a bit.

 “Of course, anytime.”

 Étienne goes to get off him, but Calvin asks if it’s okay if they just – cuddle for a bit and Étienne agrees. He rearranges them again and has Calvin leaning on his chest, before he runs a hand down his back, soft and easy like. It’s nice – even just this, and if nothing else ever happens, he knows at least that he can have this and that’s fine as well.

 END

[stitchcasual]

A Running Date

Live on AO3 or click through the cut for the full thing

a real fluffy Fenhawke fic with a wedding meetcute because We Deserve It

"Who's the hot guy with tattoos?"

Marian and Isabela share a look, high five, then Isabela extends a hand toward her new wife.

"Pay up, darling."

Marian grumbles and slaps a bill too crushed and crumpled for Garrett to make out the denomination into Isabela's hand. The look on her face says it wasn't small, however. The two of them are sitting on a slightly raised piece of flooring at the back end of the social hall Marian and Garrett's mother has rented for Marian's wedding reception. They're receiving visitors there, a whole line of people waiting to convey their best wishes to the happy couple on their happy day. Garlands and flowers decorate nearly every piece of available space, and despite the fervor with which Marian had opposed having a high society reception like their mother wanted, she and Isabela are holding court up here like they're royalty.

"You bet on whether or not I'd ask about him?" Garrett asks, unsure whether he should be offended or not.

Marian grins at him. "Of course not, dear brother. I would never do that to my favorite twin. We bet on how long it would take you to ask."

Isabela cackles. Garrett is definitely offended, but he supposes he does have a history of doing this. It's not his fault his sister attracts hot, queer people, though, so he can't be blamed for it.

"Anyway, that's Fenris."

"That's Fenris?"

Fenris and Marian work together, and she's told a few stories about him over the years when she and Garrett get together for drinks. According to her, Fenris is hilarious and intelligent, if a little grumpy and standoffish, and her favorite coworker. Garrett takes another look over at Fenris, standing against a wall with a nearly empty wine glass. Where Garrett is tall and broad, Fenris is average height and narrow; where Garrett is pale skinned and dark haired, Fenris has light brown skin and white hair. He's utterly gorgeous, which is the conclusion Garrett came to after an hour of trying not to stare at him rocking the hell out of that tuxedo during the ceremony. Fenris stood in Isabela's eclectic mix of bridespeople while Garrett performed his duties as his twin sister's best man and thankfully didn't stumble over too much in the course of what he was expected to say.

"Yep. And he is incredibly out of your league, but because you're my brother and I love you so much, take this when you go talk to him." Marian pulls a bottle of wine from behind her chair and somehow manages to hand it over to Garrett despite the scuffle with Isabela that ensues when she sees which bottle it is.

"That's cheating, kitten," Isabela pouts. "We'll have to amend our bet."

Garrett hightails it away from the dias after kissing his sister on the cheek, not wanting to hear exactly what it is she and her troublemaker of a wife bet on this time. He does hear Carver say, "What's his problem?” and then, "Ow!" when Bethany slaps his arm as they step up next to offer their congratulations.

This is still the drinks and hors d'oeuvres hour of the reception, which means everyone's milling around and stretching their legs after the long ceremony and before the long dinner to come. Garrett snags a bottle opener from Bodahn in the kitchen, promising to return it later, and attempts to make as casual a beeline for Fenris as he can. He doesn't want to come on too aggressive, even if he's been hoping for a chance to talk to him since yesterday at the rehearsal dinner.

En route, he's waylaid by Anders and Nathaniel, his exes who had, rather amicably after a year of them all dating each other, decided they'd prefer to be a couple rather than a thruple. That had suited Garrett, eventually, once he'd realized that maybe he wasn't actually ready to date so soon after his father's death. He'd stayed friends with Anders and Nathaniel, though, and has tried dropping more than a few hints over the last few years that the two of them should get married too, but so far they haven't. As long as they're happy, though. Anders and Isabela know each other from some shadowy past encounter, or so Garrett has always liked to believe, and Nathaniel, aside from being from old money himself and thus invited on his own merits thanks to Leandra’s system, goes wherever Anders does.

They let him go when he, after several minutes of polite conversation, explodes quietly that he's trying to go hit on someone thank you very much and if they'd be so kind as to let him get on with that. Or, rather, Nathaniel lets him go and covers Anders's mouth with one hand when Anders tries to say more than, "Him?? Why would you want to—"

Garrett approaches Fenris slowly, within eyeshot (sneaking up behind someone seems like it might make for a bad first impression), and grips and regrips the wine bottle, hoping desperately that it doesn't fall out of his hands, as suddenly sweaty as they seem to be. The murmur of voices around him is simultaneously too loud and too soft, and he doesn't know how to pitch his voice so it carries to Fenris without deafening him. He settles for a wave with his free hand when Fenris's eyes lock onto him during their sweep around the room. Fenris nods in return, brushing soft looking white hair out of his eyes.

Okay so the wave was a mistake. Bad first greeting. Garrett raises his other hand, the one holding the wine bottle, and tries again, adding the smile Marian has told him is dick-worthy. He's pretty sure she means that well. Fenris raises an eyebrow, considers, and gestures to the wall beside him with his wine glass. Garrett takes the hint: he opens the bottle immediately after settling next to Fenris and pours a generous amount into the glass.

And then he realizes he forgot to bring himself a glass too.

"Sorry, uh…Bran," he says, reading the table setting as he purloins the wine glass from the seat closest to him.

He chooses to believe that the look on Fenris’s face is amusement, and raises his newly obtained and filled wine glass in a toast. Fenris taps his glass gently against Garrett’s and sips. His beautiful, holy shit so beautiful, green eyes widen a second later, and he pins Garrett with a searching gaze.

“Where did you get this?” Fenris asks, and his voice is so low and rough and unexpected that Garrett short-circuits. In all her stories, Marian hadn’t mentioned anything about a voice Garrett would be one hundred percent okay with doing absolutely filthy things with. That the voice is attached to someone as handsome as Fenris is a perk.

“Why? Is it good?” he asks, finally drinking himself. “Oh, holy shit, yes, it is.” He takes another sip, expending a considerable amount of willpower to keep from gulping it down. This wine is fantastic.  

“Well,” he says, raising the bottle and peering at the label, “apparently this is the kind of shit rich people give as presents at weddings.”

“I didn’t get one,” Fenris sniffs, and Garrett laughs.

“I didn’t get one either, but the bride…uh, bride number one? Or would she be number two? I think Marian proposed so would that make her number one? Anyway, one of the brides is my twin sister and she let me have it.”

“Your sister must love you a lot to part with a bottle of Aggregio.”

“How did you—”

“I have a discerning palate.”

Fenris closes his eyes as he drinks again, savoring the wine. Garrett tries not to stare, he really, really does, but the way Fenris’s throat works when he swallows and the little sound he makes are entirely too difficult to ignore.

“I’ll have to thank my sister, I guess. You know, eventually. When she’s not swarmed by mobs of fancy-dressed fans.” Garrett loosens his tie, tugging back and forth with a finger until he can undo the top button of his dress shirt as well. His mother will rake him over the coals for this, but right now the comfort and extra air are necessary; the wine and proximity to such an attractive person are attempting to do him in.

“So, you are Marian’s brother.”

The question is less of a question and more of a statement coming from Fenris, and Garrett’s stomach swirls nauseatingly with the wine.

“Technically yes, though Carver’s also her brother, technically. If we’re being specific.”

Fenris rumbles with laughter. Garrett’s pretty sure if he’d been standing any closer to Fenris he would have been able to feel the vibrations of that sound.

“Please tell me she hasn’t been spreading embarrassing stories about me to everyone at work.” He would cover his face with a hand but both are occupied, and so he just hangs his head and only chances looks at Fenris out of the corner of his eyes.

“Horribly scandalous stories, I’m afraid.”

Garrett groans and closes his eyes.

“I have heard about your fifth birthday party three times.”

“Oh, sweet Maker, strike me down now,” Garrett mutters, and now he does gulp at his wine.

“I admit, I find it fascinating that anyone could eat an entire cake without anyone noticing until he throws it all up later onto the rest of the ferris wheel riders.”

“Death would be a mercy I do not deserve, yet humbly beg of you.”

That rumbling laugh again, and Garrett risks an actual glance at Fenris. He’s smiling, the skin around his eyes crinkling in true mirth. It doesn’t sound like Fenris is mean-spirited in his teasing, just amused at the situation. Which Garrett can sometimes laugh at himself, if he’s being honest.

“I am honestly impressed that you managed to get nearly everyone else on the ride.”

And, here’s the unbelievable thing, Fenris really does sound impressed. Not disgusted. Just honestly impressed at a five-year-old Garrett’s ability to projectile vomit cake at an amusement park. That’s a first.

“It’s not my fault they built that ferris wheel with latticed roofs on the cars. They should have known better.”

Fenris barks a laugh. “That is poor design.”

“That’s what I’m saying! It’s also not my fault that mom thought I couldn’t climb up onto that counter; I’d been climbing weird shit since I was born.”

“Do you still?”

That’s a personal question. They’ve taken the turn from funny anecdote into actual conversation, and Garrett borrows courage from the wine, topping off his glass and Fenris’s, before answering. This is going leagues better than he thought it might after talking with Marian and Isabela, and though he’ll credit the wine for the initial breakthrough, the rest is just…happening.

“A little, here and there. I was big into free running for a while until, uh, some stuff happened, and I just never got quite back into it. That and I broke my ankle. Hard to run on one of those.”

‘Some stuff happened’ is Garrett’s usual way of brushing past saying ‘my father’s death really fucked me up’ so people don’t ask too many invasive questions, but Fenris is nodding like he understands. Marian was working with Fenris when their dad died, so it would stand to reason that he might know about it and make the assumption.

“Do you run anymore?”

“Now and then. I need to sign up for a race or something, hard to get motivated otherwise.”

“I understand. Would you… I do not know how far you live from Marian, but she and I are neighbors, sort of. If you wanted a running partner, that is.”

Garrett does not choke on his wine, but it’s a near thing. He’d thought, make some conversation, drink some wine, sit at the same table for dinner, and then call it a night and maybe ask Marian about Fenris after a couple weeks and see if she could arrange a party or something so they could run into each other ‘accidentally’ and then he would gather up his courage and ask Fenris on something that could be called a date if one squinted sideways at it. Things are going so well he almost doesn’t trust them. He refuses to look over at Marian and Isabela, just in case.

“Yeah! Yeah, that’d be great. There’s that little park near her place. I could meet you there? When do you run?”

Between the two of them as they keep conversing, they polish off the bottle of Aggregio before the hour ends and Marian and Isabela are escorted from receiving their guests to their table at the front of the hall for dinner. Garrett and Fenris sit on opposite sides of the table from each other, not able to continue talking, but they sneak a few glances. Garrett sees Isabela pass Marian a folded bill after they catch Garrett and Fenris in one of their looks, and Marian toasts in Garrett’s direction after that. He laughs, happy to see his sister so happy with Isabela (and glad that their first round of betting as a married couple ended in a draw, with one win each). Even his mother readjusting his shirt and tie before the speeches can’t dampen his good mood.

It’s just a running date, but Garrett has a feeling it’s the start to something wonderful.

[alittlefrenchtree]

I agree with you about their coming out but I also think why would their restrictive, heteronormative PR teams ever encourage either to be in an lgbt romance movie to begin with then? Like one sure fire way to have people assuming they’re not straight is to have them (very convincingly) play same sex lovers. And sure maybe because Tim was unknown it was different for him then but Armie had been famous/in Hollywood for over a decade when CMBYN came along. It’s not even the first lgbt character Armie has played. He would know there was a chance of sparking such rumours yet he said he recieved no warnings about taking on the role. I don’t know.

Sorry for letting your ask sit in my inbox for a couple of days. I was working, then out, then working again, then procrastinating but here I am now 😁

First of all, I can’t be comfortable in this ask without mentioning that I’m uncomfortable with the mention of a coming-out in this specific case without attaching any notion of hypothesis or theory to it. I’m very not for attributing a coming-out or a future coming out to anyone who potentially would never need one, or who will but isn’t ready to do it yet for whatever reasons that are 100% valid, not matter what they are. It’s nothing against you, Nonny, it just something really important for me to specify, especially on my blog.

That being said. Lots of things to unpack in your message.

I think one important thing to say is that being rumored as queer and being out are two very different things. In a marketing/business perspective, being rumored as + having a straight official narrative is, to simplify, like you can have the cake and you can eat it. Lgbtqi+ is a market. You only need to look at how many brands from the most cheap and random ones all the way through the priciest ones — many, many of them have developed collections that are pride-related or rainbow-related or anything that has been a symbol of the lgbtqi+ community-related. So reaching and touch that part of the market can be a goal/something at stake and something you can (partially) achieve when you’re linked in some ways to a community. Except since you’re straight, or supposed to be, you don’t get discriminated like someone who is out can be and is.

In the past, it was probably more difficult or tricky (for their career) for an actor to be attached to a lgbtqi+ movie than it is now. Which is, in a way, the hypocrisy of Hollywood and the world right now, in a sense than playing a queer person is way more accepted (if not awarded) than being an actual one.

It’s probably important to remember that CMBYN has become something way (waaaaaaay) bigger than what it was supposed to be. A queer and somehow European with a ridiculously low budget and Armie Hammer as the star billing isn’t supposed to become a pop culture reference or a cult movie or anything that generates 235K likes on a random comment between former co-stars three freaking years later. I don’t think anyone in any team could have predict that any ‘star (would) become an actor’ or than ‘any star would be born’ with it. So it’s not that like they really (or fully) knew the movie would have such a huge impact on their image on the long term.

So like you said, for Timmy that what mostly about getting a) a job, b) a lead role with real substance in it. I think it wasn’t really about seeking fame, but about getting himself out there. There’s something about the job of actor that is quite specific to them, is that they can work if nobody is thinking about them. The more you’re present in casting people and directors and studios people’s minds, the more they can think of calling you for something.

For Armie… Well it’s as we said before. Being rumored/assumed as queer when you have a very strong straight narrative isn’t that risky career wise, I guess. And having been married for several years to a woman with a kid (and then a pregnant wife)… You can’t really do more straight than that in a… public image limited perspective way. Even if it’s stupid since you can be a man in love and married to a woman and have children and still be bi, pan or whatever the fuck you want. Or straight. If you’re boring that way 😉

@ everyone: Please remember that I’m not talking about Armie and Timmy’s goals here, nor that I’m implying that everything they did was queer-bait, when I’m talking about reaching a market or what a career choice can do to their image. We’re talking about the questions handled by the people around them (on their team or on the movies they’re working on’s teams) because that exactly their job to do so.

So, yeah. Here are my thoughts on what you said. Of course I’m not an expert, nor that I am on either of their team so that just what they are: my thoughts. But I hope they help you somehow, or give you food for yours, at least. Thank you for stopping by and sharing with me 😘

[bookandcover]

The long-awaited sixth and final installment of the Queen’s Thief series! I asked for this book for my birthday back in October (said it was the one thing I truly wanted) and then I read it at breakneck pace in the two or three days that followed. I waited until now to write about it (tragically lame) and, in the meantime, loaned my copy to my sister…my writing about this awesome book leaves something to be desired. I’ll probably re-read the whole thing sometime this year.

As in books 3-5 of this series, The Return of the Thief shows us Eugenides through the eyes of someone else, although this book follows, more closely than books 4 and 5, the events that have Eugenides at their heart (like the lynchpin that he is, peace-keeper on the Lesser Peninsula, but also the centroid of the mechanism, controlling the events around him as these weave intricate patterns). Our young narrator is Pheris, of the house Erondites, heir of the most troublesome of Attolia’s barons. But no love is lost between Pheris and his family, as the young boy’s physical disabilities make him an embarrassment to them. Like Eugenides himself, Pheris leans into the things that make him underestimated by others, and, in doing so, he observes a lot, but is suspected of nothing. When he’s sent to the palace by his grandfather, to serve like many young heirs as an attendant to the king, his physical (and assumed mental) disabilities are intended to be seen as a direct insult to Eugenides.

Pheris’s role as king’s attendant places him in close proximity to Eugenides, allowing a narration of plot from eyes that are nearby, but that do not see everything. This narrative viewpoint relies, as so much of this series as a whole does, on the incorrect assumptions that other characters make about Eugenides—often to those very characters’ downfalls. The reader is, of course, no longer fooled; we know Eugenides’s omniscience. And, early in this book, I worried this trope of dramatic irony was used and worn. I couldn’t imagine a better foil character for Eugenides than Costis, who is his straightforwardness and courageous foolhardiness, is the perfect complement to Gen. When Gen jokingly says “jump,” Costis doesn’t even stop to ask “how far?” Their dynamic is beautiful and, often, comedic. Attolia as counter-point to Eugenides provides another unparalleled character dynamic, vastly different than the one between wily Gen and earnest Costis, as Attolia’s set of strategic moves—more serious and calculated, more “textbook” than her husband’s—complement Eugenides’s at turn-after-turn. The irony, for Attolia and Eugendies, exists between. We, as the readers, are somehow left out of their cosmic inside joke, only glimpsing it here and there, while we laugh repeatedly at Costis’s expense.

Where would Pheris land on this spectrum? Was there another counter-point to Eugenides that could show him more fully than these other characters had already done? I was pleased to realize that the Eugenides that Pheris drew forth was the one twisted with insecurities, the one fighting a real battle between himself and his god who holds him up, but who also—as Gen knows so well—will one day let him fall. In placing a character near to Eugenides whom Eugenides does not need to perform for, someone who he must see himself in, we see Gen at his most vulnerable. There is more about Gen that the reader needs to see and to understand. While we, too, once underestimated Gen (along with Attolia, along with Costis), Turner reverses this on us and shows us that we also must not overestimate him. Here is Gen the man, the mortal—in the clutches of a wild destiny, but still fallible and human.

Pheris realizes these things in his own way and on his own time. His loyalty to Eugenides isn’t easily won, which is true, too, of Attolia, of Costis. But it takes a different thing for each of these characters to turn themselves to pivot around Eugenides, to believe in him, to see him for who he truly is.

For Attolia, this took mutual love, a love that is still being spun out and examined in this final novel, entirely within Eugenides’s insecurities. Eugenides, we see here, questions Attolia’s love for him repeatedly, not out of doubt of her, but out of doubt of his god. Does his wife love him, against her will, because this is what he asked for? This is the place where the novel ends, in the poignant Epilogue that answers Gen’s questions about Irene’s love. I understood, from this final book, that Eugenides never questions his love for Irene. When he is sickened by their history, by his loss of his hand at hers, this is not fear nor doubt of his own love, which I think might be the first interpretation a reader, or observer, would have of his actions. Instead, Gen wonders and worries over how she can love him. He did not doubt her hatred at a point in time in their pasts. How can he reconcile those memories with her love now, if not through the intervention of the god that he sees make the impossible possible in his life? Attolia, somehow, understands Gen and is changed deeply, irrevocably by her understanding. Attolia seems like someone who, without the well-fit complement to herself who is Gen, might never have loved or considered a partnership, contented in herself as she was. She is never lessened by Gen, to the contrary. She tries repeatedly to build him up, to force his hand, to yield power to him, to make him openly show himself as the king she knows him to be. The strength of her conviction in him is always stronger that his own. She does not question herself, either; firm and objective where Eugenides flows, malleable, changeable, and moody.

We do see Eugenides try out certain kinds of power, and face Attolia’s correction, in this sixth book. One of the most startling parts of the novel was Eugenides’s attempts to convince Attolia to stay behind from the battlefront when she is pregnant (because, why, I wondered, did he even try), but this shows he has but little of his normal strategic restraint when it comes to his feelings about his wife. I adored the scene where he nearly kills Attolia’s lame suitor with a knife thrown just moments too late, which, like his attempts to keep Attolia from riding into battle, seems theatrical in nature, like a play staged for the benefit of their onlooking kingdom (how telling that we see the festival plays that satirize Eugenides as the one-handed king, and, whole the king behaves like he’s offended, but we all know he loves a good drama). The truest, realest moments of Gen and Irene are hidden from the eyes of everyone. Pheris, only by chance, gets the smallest glimpse: the two with couches pushed together, asleep in each others’ arms after Eugenides altercation Attolia’s suitor. Attolia did not bend to Eugenides, but she is reshaped by him. She, too, although she did not know it and did not long for it, was lonely for love, as we’re shown in the Epilogue where we return to the scene where Gen first saw her dancing alone in the gardens. It was not the will of the god that changed her, but only the slightest nudge of the circumstances—so that a boy saw a girl, who was lonely, but also strong, and rebuilt his life around trying to be with her. Eugenides weaves the strings of fate, yes, but how can we possibly fault him the end goal? Becoming king is the irksome side effect of being married to the woman he’s always wanted.

For Costis to orbit around Eugenides took the dismantling of his settled, square worldview. Like Attolia, he is changed. Like Attolia, this change is organic. We’ve never seen Eugenides browbeat someone into submission. Even his enemies are brought low through their own failures. This doesn’t, of course, mean that Eugenides takes his victories with grace; he wouldn’t be Gen without that horrible self-satisfaction, stubbornness, and studied laziness. Costis valued a certain kind of strength. He needed to see Eugenides was capable of this kind of strength, and in seeing this—at the end of book 3—he truly understood the choice Eugenides makes to prioritize other types of strength. That other men’s brand of pride is worth nothing. That saving face is worth nothing. That traditional masculinity is worth nothing. That winning is worth very, very little. Especially, when, on the other side of the scale is the safety of someone you love. Is yourself that need to live with forever. Is information that could make the difference, all the difference in the world.

We see Costis who has been reshaped by Eugenides in book 5 of the series. He is a more cautious speaker and thinker, willing to plan many steps ahead, willing to hide more of himself. But he is still righteous, still blundering, still a country boy, and an excellent counterpoint to refined Kamet who is very ready to underestimate someone with these characteristics, giving Costis is own type of Eugenides energy. I left book 5 feeling somewhat dissatisfied, longing for more emotional unpacking between Costis and Kamet. I was sad that these two were only side characters in book 6, but we got tidbits and hints at the blossoming love between them (I mean, who moves to live alone in the country with someone unless they are rustic lovers?!) Through Relius and Teleus’s characters (two stoic figures who have a complex emotional undercurrent to their relationship) we get another look at queer love in the world of the Queen’s Thief. There’s also a subtle nod to the support, care, and affinity among a queer community in Attolia when Kamet dances with Relius, while Costis dances with his sister, at the celebration at the very end of the book. Pheris also bonds closely with Relius and I wondered if Pheris’s character is perhaps asexual (he’s adamant that he doesn’t think he’ll ever fall in love). These characters’ identities are complex, and never simplified, and there seems to be a resistance on the author’s part to spelling out their sexualities and romantic entanglements exactly. But this is not unlike the primary heterosexual relationship at the heart of the series: the most intimate moments take place “off stage,” and we, the readers, see mostly the waves of impact made by their love and commitment and by their nuanced understandings of each other.

For Pheris to see Eugenides and to be changed by him takes Eugenides’s vulnerability, in combination with Pheris seeing and understanding the hand of his god on the king. Pheris lives in his own circle of misery (afraid of the treatment of his family even within the palace, a legitimate fear we know after Juridius threatens him), one that Eugenides reaches into in a way that might surprise someone who did not know Gen’s brand of kingship well. When Pheris falls ill and is feverish, he has fragmented memories of the king at his side, caring for him in the middle of the night. Pheris also see Eugenides sick and debilitated repeatedly. In one of the most intense sections of the book, Pheris sees Eugenides fully operating under the hand of his god when the king is captured by the Medes when the two camps are staked out on the plains of battle. Pheris follows the king into the Medes’s camp receiving little resistance from others. He hides in the king’s place as the king goes on a mysterious killing spree, removing the leadership of their enemies. As the two escape the camp, Pheris sees in Eugenides a harsh energy that is inhuman, as inhuman as the lightness he exhibits in a game of chase—where he jumps from balconies and leaps for hanging chandeliers—throughout his own palace.

Early on during his time in the palace, Pheris too sees a god appear before Eugenides and guide him back onto the path planned for him: in this case, that path is to keep Pheris at his side and not send him back home, as Eugenides wished to do after learning of Pheris passing information (albeit against his will) to Juridius. Eugenides, Pheris sees, is often upset and bitter about this intervention of the gods, especially as the gods’ give instructions he cannot wish to follow, yet he understands, utterly, the power of the gods. From this, Pheris does not learn to obey Eugenides above all else. He still frees his traitorous uncle Sejanus from right under Eugenides’s nose and helps him escape from the united Lesser Peninsula army’s camp. This is an instinctual choice that pays off, as Sejanus later warns the gathered Attolian-Eddisian-Sounissian army about a pass where a smaller section of the Mede Army is trying to invade the Lesser Peninsula and catch the defending army in a pincher move. With Sejanus’s warning, a small band of Attolians and Eddisians, led by Eugenides, cut the Medes off at the pass, nearly with disastrous consequences. The ways in which Pheris shows his commitment to Eugenides, such as blindly following him into the Mede camp with no concern for himself, but still operating independently from him, particularly in his interactions with Sejanus, set up Pheris as a complex figure in Eugenides’s world, one ultimately guided by his own inner compass and worldview, in much the way Eugenides himself is.

This book epically culminates the series, drawing the plot lines of Attolia, Eddis, and Sounis together in one novel, as the countries unite under Eugenides—to whom the other nations swear fidelity—to drive the Mede Empire back and maintain their freedom and independence. With Attolia’s successful pregnancy after a few miscarriages, and the birth of an heir who can continue the unified governance of the Lesser Peninsula, we end this novel on a note of pure celebration, both human and god-blessed, as the characters take to the rooftops to dance, granted Eugenides’s smooth confidence as he dances with a god who has not let him fall.

[whodunnit-ktl]

Case File #1: Roman Torres

Physical Features:

·       On the shorter side, about 5′5″

·       Dark brown skin, eyes, and fluffy hair

·       Always wearing makeup with lots of red lipstick

·       Soft, innocent face with high cheek bones

·       Hourglass figure

 Alibi:

·       Roman demurred, blinking those long, thick eyelashes.  “Technical difficulties, just like Patton said. I had a little trouble with my costume.”

·       Status: Weak

 Motive:

·       To prevent blackmail: There was a reason Remy had been able to blackmail Roman.  There was a reason the singer’s voice strained up by nature but kept low by choice.  There was a reason he stiffened when Logan’s hands teased the edge of his waistband, why he was careful to never let his chest press against Logan’s.

·       Question: Why does Remy want to blackmail Roman?

It can’t be because of Remy wanting Roman, mainly because of this: “Oh, he wasn’t Roman’s gentleman caller, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Patton corrected gently.  “I mean, I saw Roman go into his box a few times, but never long and only rarely.”

UPDATE: “There weren’t any,” Roman said, softly.  “He didn’t want anything.  I think he just liked knowing he could ruin me at any second, having me smile at him even when I just wanted to–”  Roman cut himself with a shuddering breath.

·       Rebuttal: “Of course I didn’t!”   Roman threw up his hands.  “Why would I hire you and then murder him on that same day? I would hope you think more of my intelligence than that.”

 Means:

·       Has chance to pull out piano wire, as it would not be suspicious for him to be hanging around the piano

·       Question: Why would he point out the missing piano wire then?

“And the piano’s broken again,” Roman chimed in. “I think one of the keys is busted.” 

Extra Facts:

·       “Good authors, too, who once knew better words,” he purred, leaning his torso, encased in a white shirt with golden rope accents, against the wall, “now only use four lettered words.”

·       Slowly, discreetly, he nodded - five hundred micrometers of acknowledgement of this bond between them.  “Anything goes.” It sounded almost like a warning.

·       The music managed to quell the crowd until, perhaps five minutes later, Roman sauntered back onto the stage, smirking.

·       “No rope burn,” Logan noted.

·       “Let me illustrate for you, Mr. Torres, the specifications of this ‘bad business’. You had Mr. Salem accused of a false conviction and put a renowned private eye on his case, so obviously you wanted him out of the way somehow.  A scandal, a conviction, a death sentence-” Roman made a noise of protest, but Logan silenced him with a snarl. “-you wanted him out of your way. Why? He was a threat to you somehow.”  Logan pulled back, tugging at his tie and pacing the small dressing room.  “You couldn't have minded his patronage; Mr. Parker himself said you call get paid because your employment is obtaining people's affections.”  A dark shadow crossed over Logan's face. “As I so unwittingly discovered.” “Logan, please-” Roman held his hands out beseechingly, but Logan knocked them aside. “I wasn't finished!”  He ran a hand over his slicked-back hair, trying to calm himself. “As I said, Mr. Salem was a threat to you. It can't be because of your employment here, because any member of the audience could unveil you as a… bent person.  No, he had something else. Something that made him dangerous.”

·       “I didn’t kill him,” Roman breathed.  “I swear to you I didn’t.” “Your heart is racing,” Logan said, pressing his fingers deeper into the side of Roman's neck and watching his eyes dilate.  “You're lying.” Roman shook his head and responded breathlessly.  “Trust me, Mr. Sul. That's not the reason.”

·       “Wouldn’t it have been more convenient to kill him somewhere else?” “Not necessarily,” Virgil drawled.  “Public spaces and all that.” “Exactly!”  Roman’s voice was triumphant.  “He was big into oil and all that, right?  You can get a ton of enemies whenever you’re in a dangerous business, and those rigs blow up all the time.”

·       Roman could’ve worn this, as he secreted a piano wire into his pocket.  Roman could’ve worn this, as he crept through the twisting maze of backstage, towards that rusty door.  Roman could’ve worn this, as he snuck behind Remy Salem, looped a wire around his neck, and began to pull.

·       “It’s rather queer,” Logan heard someone behind him murmur to their companion.  “He never used to sing so many love songs.”

·       “No,” Roman bit out, knotting a scarf around his neck with a vicious sort of single-mindedness.  “I'm saying you wouldn't like me if you knew everything about me.”

·       “You didn’t always hate Remy Salem, didn’t you?  You must’ve liked him at first, thought him charming, even.  Must’ve gotten close enough for him to find out about whatever secret you’ve been keeping so close to your chest.  Can’t imagine how much it shook you when he sidled up to you with a cruel smile and made his demands.” “There weren’t any,” Roman said, softly.  “He didn’t want anything.  I think he just liked knowing he could ruin me at any second, having me smile at him even when I just wanted to–”  Roman cut himself with a shuddering breath. “Regardless,” Logan continued, and he found he couldn’t look at Roman, not without giving everything away.  “You had a problem, then.  Someone held everything you had worked for, what you had dedicated your life to, over the fire, and as soon as he got bored, he’d drop it and let it all burn. You couldn’t let that stand.  So you came up with a plan, didn’t you?” He let himself smile then, a cold and joyless stretching of lips.  “You’re so clever, Mr. Torres,” he said softly. “More clever than you ever want anyone to know.  You practice with the band every day, and you can know each and every song they play in advance.  It wasn’t hard to tell which piano keys wouldn’t be pressed.  You play it yourself, after all, so no one would think it strange to see you pouring over the sheet music, slipping your hands beneath the cover.  Or maybe you did it earlier in the day, so no one would even see you.  Either way, there was a string in your pocket, and a neck to twist it around.” “Logan–” Roman started, helplessly, but Logan barreled on. “But you knew the police would come if someone like Remy Salem died, and you wouldn’t do that to Patton and Virgil.  So you needed someone else, someone the police had worked with before, someone they would be willing to hoist the case off onto and still placate the media that the case was in good hands.  Maybe you saw me in the newspaper, or heard someone talking about me, but either way, you had that poor sucker you could twist onto his head, until he couldn’t tell left from right.  I don’t know if you knew of my inclinations or not, but by the time you left this office, me trailing behind you, you knew exactly what you do to me. “You spun a pretty story about a stalker, about how scared you were, how I was the only one who could save you, so by the time I bothered to look past your red lips, I wouldn’t even see how wicked that smile of yours is.  You showed me around, gave me a room full of people I could pretend killed him instead, and in between songs, you slipped through that rusting door.  Maybe you lifted the keys from Patton earlier, or maybe you just used that smile to convince a worker to leave it unlocked, but either way, you had greased the hinges and slipped through. “Remy was sitting with his back to the door, smoking a cigarette or sipping a glass or whisky and generally looking bored with the world.  The floors were thick carpet, so he didn’t even hear  it when you crept up behind him.  He didn’t realise anything was wrong until you wrapped that wire around his neck and started squeezing.  He tried to scream, but you twisted even tighter.  He struggled to his feet, and that wasn’t part of the plan, at all. You wrestled with him, but he was so much taller than you, and he staggered out of the chair, crashing into that pretty crystal plate and smashing it against the floor.  But it was too late at that point.  He fell to his knees, and you kept squeezing. “You didn’t know how long it takes for someone to suffocate.  So you squeezed and squeezed, trembling, just like you are now, until you heard murmuring, and you looked through that one-way mirror to see that you’d been gone for the longest time.  You left him there, slipped the wire back into your pocket, and sped through those twisting, turning corridors until you were back on stage. Smiling and beautiful and a killer.”

·       “Oh?” Logan smiled a shark’s grin. “Then why don’t you still me where you really were during that impromptu intermission?” Roman, trembling, dropped into the chair across the leather chair across from Logan.  His eyes were obscured by a mass of dark brown hair and his hands were shaking. He said nothing. “Look at us.  It’s just like the first time you came here, isn’t it?” Logan smiled at him, a bittersweet flickering of the lips.  “We were talking about your ‘stalker’, only I was thinking of your lips, and you were thinking of murder.”

 Note: 

Great possibility that he is a red herring, as why would the author lay it all down like this?

@impatentpending

[fish-food-s]

A Soul for a Choice Chapter 2

Summary: Virgil is a sophomore in college just trying to survive, but destiny (and you guys) have other plans for him. At the end of every chapter, a choice will be presented for Virgil. You guys get to choose what happens in the next chapter.

Ships: Implied Moxiety, Royality, Analogical

Words: 981

Warnings: None that I can think of. Let me know if I should put anything here.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 3

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Serious nerd 29%

Bubbly freckled boy 71%

---

Virgil didn’t want to deal with the amount of pressure to be absolutely perfect that could possibly come from the stern man, so he approached the softer student. His mouth felt dry, he didn’t like being the first to talk. “Hey, do you want to work together? I don’t know anyone else and you seem like an okay partner. Not that I’m judging by how you look, I just saw how neat your notes were and…” Virgil lost himself in the gaze of the boy. Those eyes looked directly past Virgil’s and into his soul, somehow calming him just slightly. Who knew, maybe this was his lucky day. “...I’m, uh, I’m Virgil, by the way,” he added.

The boys face lit up, causing Virgil’s heart to leap from his chest to his throat. “Oh my gosh, Virgil? You’re my soulmate’s roommate!”

Virgil’s heart fell from his throat all the way to the center of the earth, where it burned into ash until it was unrecognizable. “Oh. You’re Patton,” Virgil forced himself to say. He didn’t know why he was so surprised; this is how the majority of his interactions ended, in heartbreak. He thought he’d get used to the disappointment by now, but his stupid heart just couldn’t stay still.

“Yep! That’s me!” Patton grinned and squinted his soft blue eyes just slightly, “Oh, working together is going to be so much fun!” The tiniest dimples formed when he smiled, only adding to his cute aesthetic.

“Oh, yeah. I can’t wait,” Virgil answered, his voice on autopilot as his mind wandered elsewhere. The two exchanged numbers, and Virgil felt like he now had possession of something forbidden to him.

Virgil looked to the side to see the other student he had considered. He now stood at an angle where his glasses weren’t blocking his eyes, and Virgil was almost taken aback at how piercingly grey they were. He was talking with his partner, a student with a pink tie and brown coat, but when his pupils snapped to meet Virgil’s, a chill ran down his spine, hitting his heart with a sensation he’d never felt before. The moment of their exchanged glances felt like it lasted forever, but Virgil couldn’t help but long to meet his eyes again after they both looked away awkwardly.

No, Virgil wasn’t about to develop some crush and get denied again. No more of that. Patton would be the last time.

Of course that was Virgil lying to himself.

College seemed to change Virgil. Maybe he had just grown more desperate to find The One, but he had been crushing on guys left and right. First Roman, then Patton, and now Pocket Protector over there. Maybe he should just give up on looking and just leave love to the ones who actually knew what they were doing.

He wondered if anyone actually knew what they were doing. You don’t really have a chance to practice with anyone before you meet your true love. People only date one person in their entire life, unless they were given multiple soulmates, that is. He had only heard stories of people like that, though.

He did have a friend with no mark. Their parents were devastated when they were brought with the news that their child would never have someone to love romantically. They’ve been preparing to come out as ace to their parents.

“Virgil? Hello? Did you hear me?” Virgil snapped out of his daze to face Patton again. He silently cursed himself for being so lost in his thoughts.

“Yeah? Sorry. I zoned out,” Virgil mumbled.

Patton nodded in understanding. “Well, I was just saying that I’ll make the slide and share it with you,”

Virgil nodded. “Alright,” He said simply. The professor called for everyone’s attention, saving Virgil from any more awkward dialogue. He droned on about today’s lesson as the lack of sleep began to catch up to Virgil and take hold.

A tap on the shoulder jolted Virgil awake. When did he fall asleep? He looked up and almost fainted when he saw two grey eyes looking down at him. “Class is over,” He said in a low and calculated tone. Virgil realized this was the first time he had ever heard him speak.

“Oh. Thanks,” Virgil stammered, still finding his voice from just waking up, the glare of the other only adding to the difficulty. He looked around and saw the students slowly collecting their things and filing out. He forced himself up, knocking Speck’s coffee out of his hand in the process, getting the brown liquid on both of them. Thankfully it was room temperature.

“Shit I’m so sorry. That was my fault,” Virgil said quickly, barely able to keep up with his own voice. He looked up at the other, expecting two angry grey eyes staring at, but instead is met with a surprisingly soft expression.

“It’s alright. It was clearly an accident,” he insisted, pulling out napkins from his backpack and handing some to Virgil, “Here.”

Virgil sheepishly took some and uselessly wiped at the stains that were already soaked into his shirt and hoodie. “I’m gonna have to throw these into the washer,” he muttered, lifting the hem of his shirt to examine a spot.

“My clothes were already in need of a-” the low voice stopped, and Virgil looked up.

“Huh? What?” He asked. Did he do something stupid without realizing? It was bound to happen anyways.

The student reached for the shirt that was in Virgil’s hands and lifted it up slightly. Virgil almost yelled in protest when he reached for his own shirt and displayed his mark on his right hip. The mark that Virgil knew by heart. The mark that was destined to dictate Virgil’s entire life. The mark Virgil possessed himself.

Once again, Virgil found a new emotion in those pale eyes. Shock.

“I’m Logan”

“Virgil“

--

make a choice

--

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[missytearex]

Happy 1D fanworks appreciation day! I thought I would celebrate by sharing my ultimate favourites. So, in no particular order, here we go!

Vanguard by catholicschoolgirl | @catholicschoolgirl --- 40k, Zarry

“But you've been thinking about me,” Harry said. “You've been thinking about me, and now you know that I've been thinking about you. Since before we even met, I've wanted you.”

Zayn smiled wryly, feeling cynical all of a sudden. “And it's that easy?”

Harry nodded. “It should be. People try to make it hard, but I've gotta believe it's that easy. It's everything else about this damn world that's hard.”

This one absolutely destroyed me. It’s set in the 60′s during the Vietnam war. I was completely transported there. Do yourself a favour and have a listen to the fanmix as well. It really adds to the immersion.

there's no fair in farewell by we_are_the_same | @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed --- 218k, Larry

When Harry and Louis, two Cupids who have been bringing people together for decades, are tasked with making Soulmates Liam and Zayn fall in love, it proves to be much harder than expected. But maybe, just maybe, that isn’t such a bad thing after all.

This was the first WIP I’ve let myself read in years, and guys, it paid off! I have such a soft spot for it, as I was reading along while it was being posted. Take note that it is complete now! It’s just such an original story. I laughed, I cried, I yelled in capslock. Go read this right now, if you haven’t yet!

Under All Circumstances by lazy_daze | @dazy-laze --- 38k, OT5

When Liam decides to sign up for an online dating website, his main worry is how scary it is to finally have the chance to go out with a boy; he’s definitely not anticipating having to deal with the website glitch that sets him up on a blind date with not just one boy, but four at the same time.

Somehow, the date goes well – so well that the other four convince Liam that they all need to do it again, and for some crazy reason Liam agrees. Maybe it’s because he really likes these loud, ridiculous, frankly gorgeous boys.

But it’s stupid, isn’t it? No matter how good it feels, how much fun Liam has, and how lucky he feels that all these people want to kiss him – five people can’t all go out at the same time. Five-way relationships don’t happen, there’s no way they can all make this work. He’s sure of it.

I can’t emphasize enough how much I love this fic. It’s OT5 with feels, which is one of my favourite things ever, and there is not nearly enough of it in this world.

Walk That Mile by purpledaisy | @daisyharry --- 149k, Larry

Harry stares at him, the line of his jaw standing out scarily. “I wanted to get the most out of this trip so I planned it carefully.” His voice is low and steady and somehow that’s worse than when he was yelling. “So far, you’ve put your sticky fingers on everything I’ve tried to do.”

“Sticky fingers?” Louis repeats, offended. “Are you saying it’s my fault you got stung by a bee? Had you been alone you would have gotten halfway to the Dotty Diner and ran the car off the road because of an allergic reaction, so don’t go blaming me.”

“Polk-A-Dot Drive In,” Harry spits before getting out of the car. He slams the door shut with a deafening reverb and Louis rolls his eyes. - A Route 66 AU where falling in love was never part of the plan.

Larry roadtrip AU! I can only imagine how much research must have gone into writing something like this. Pair that with a brilliant writing style and amazing characterizations and, holy shit, you’ve got one incredible story!

Little Lion Man by Writcraft | @writsgrimmyblog --- 123k, Tomlinshaw

It’s his final year at Hogwarts, and Louis can’t wait to leave for good. He hates being in Gryffindor and he can’t even enjoy a smoke with the Slytherins now his best mate Zayn’s fucked off to Durmstrang. Louis would be completely miserable if not for WWN and Nick Grimshaw. The same Nick Grimshaw Louis has been listening to for years, ever since Nick’s early days on Potterwatch. As Louis tries to negotiate coming of age, sexuality, first times, homophobia in the wizarding world and his growing feelings for Nick, a new evil emerges which puts Louis and Nick in serious danger. Peace can only last for so long and Louis is about to learn exactly how brave he can be as he finds himself fighting for his life, his friends and everything he’s ever loved.

This author is an absolute legend among the HP community, and I feel so blessed that they gave us this epic coming-of-age freakin novel of a Tomlinshaw fic. Because that’s what it is. A novel. Reading it feels like reading a Harry Potter book, with added smut. Plus, I have such a soft spot for Tomlinshaw. A must read.

Let It Be Lightning by alexenglish | @queerlyalex --- 41k, OT5

Niall Horan made a choice when he enlisted with the Pan Pacific Defense Corps. Leave his family and try to make a difference. He started out as a Jaeger Tech, elbow-deep in the greasy guts of the machines that were supposed to save the world, but here he is, five years later, fresh out of the Ranger Academy with another choice to make:

Assemble a team of Rangers able to pilot two or more Jaegers at any given moment. Interchangeable partnerships, all Drift Compatible with each other. The implications of pulling off this project are astronomical, but at the end of the day, Niall's just worried about how many people are going to end up inside his head.

If you’re looking for a little diversity, look no further! This one features non-binary!harry, trans-male!louis and asexual!liam all in one damn place! And everyone is connected through Niall! I mean, that pushes so many of my buttons, I don’t even know where to start!

you came into my life by disgruntledkittenface | @disgruntledkittenface --- 57k, Larry

They stand around talking for a minute and then Jonathan starts to ramble, “Has there ever been, like, an unrequited gay love story in here? Like a Brokeback Mountain moment where, like, someone just fell in love and they didn’t mean to?”

Louis feels bile rise in his throat as Jonathan’s eyes sparkle, pleading for a yes. He manages to look around and see thoughtful looks on his coworkers’ faces before their heads shake no.

“Not here,” Liam says finally.

When the Queer Eye cast and crew sweep into Louis’ small town and fire station to make over his best friend and coworker Liam, Louis’ carefully constructed walls start to fall down and he has to face his fears – and the only guy he’s ever been able to see a future with.

I’ve talked about this one before, and to be honest, I probably won’t ever stop talking about it. It’s a story about Louis’ inner struggles and the people that give him the courage to finally come out of the closet. Every which way you turn, there’s a character love and adore. I will definitely be reading this one again some time in the near future.

I Only Come Alive Under the Moonlight by remivel | @remivel --- 54k, Lilo

Louis knew he hadn't seen action in months, but this was just the universe making fun of him, he was sure of it. Because when he woke up in the middle of the night, he discovered that his new dog was missing, and standing in its place was a very confused, very fit... and very naked man.

Or a romantic comedy with a furry twist. Liam turns into a dog at night, Louis tries to help him get back to normal-- and ends up falling in love somewhere along the way.

It’s a rom-com, guys! And I actually laughed out loud. Imagine Louis waking up to find a naked Liam in the kitchen. And Liam having no idea how he got there, or even who he is. It’s so fun to join their weird little bubble for a while. I could’ve easily read another 50k words of this.

Replay, Darling by lazy_daze | @dazy-laze --- 1k, Lilo

Really, really schmoopy Lilo 'Replay' fic for which I blame onedirectionundergod and the fact that there can never been enough 'Replay' schmoop. (Or porn - oh man, please - but this is version: schmoop.) Thank you to checkthemargins for the title help! <3

This one really is sickly-sweet, but that’s just how I like ‘em! I know it’s short, but my love for Lilo and the whole replay thing makes it one of my favourites.

Easy As All That (Go Around A Time Or Two) by sunsetmog --- 84k, Lilo

Sometimes the hardest part of growing up is figuring out who you are in the first place.

Or: The one where Liam and Louis only kiss when they're on nights out, when it's secret, when there's no one around to see them. If no one knows you're having a sexuality crisis, that means it isn't happening, right?

Or, or: Liam accidentally turns Louis' world upside down.

A high school sixth form AU.

Lilo having a sexuality crisis! I don’t know what more you need me to say, really. When I think about Lilo, this is the fic I think about.

Heart Skips A Beat by harriet_vane --- 27k, Zarry

Harry always kisses everyone, until he starts something he can't finish. (A university AU in which no one goes to class. I am noticing a trend.)

Harry’s characterization is the whole reason I love this fic so much. He absolutely has no freakin idea how to deal with his crush and goes about it all wrong. It’s endearing as much as it is face-palm inducing.

I Could Paint You By Numbers, and Color You In by YinAndYangOnIce --- 12k, Ziall

based off this thing i wrote, basically Niall has a secret admirer and everyone is an idiot

I prefer my Ziall to be of the fluffy variety and this one does not disappoint! It makes me smile like an absolute idiot, which is why you should read it. 

Not Happening by scottmcniceass --- 52k, Ziam

Zayn and Liam are roommates. They hate each other. (Most of the time.)

This was the first Ziam I have ever read and boy did it set the bar high. If you’re into enemies to lovers, as I am, drop everything and read this. 

[chip-off-the-writers-block]

Simon Snow vs. the Heteronormals Agenda Chapter 12

Simon has never owned a mobile, because the Mage has never been for it, but after Penny begging him to get one for the millionth time, he finally caves. Along with the joy of finally getting to talk to Penny whenever he wants (even on holiday!), Simon gets to chat with Agatha on occasion, and discovers the Watford Tumblr tag. Life is perfect, until Agatha breaks up with him, someone from Watford comes out anonymously on tumblr, and Simon’s world is turned upside down.

Baz never expected to get contacted about his coming out. He figured he would be insulted, that people filled with hate would hold nothing back when they didn’t associate his name and face with his confession. But the letter in his inbox isn’t full or hate in scorn. Instead, it holds a damning declaration: “Dear Mr. Pitch, I’m just like you.”

-----

The Simon vs. the Homosapien’s Agenda story adapted to another famous and queer Simon in fiction.

Read it on Ao3:https://archiveofourown.org/works/16056452/chapters/38823854

Read it on Wattpad:https://www.wattpad.com/652494456-simon-snow-vs-the-heteronormals-agenda-12

Baz

I’m fuming as I walk, which almost never happens.

It’s obvious I don’t have a choice but to follow the Mage’s ridiculous whims, but it’s obvious to me that I’m set up to fail. I don’t have very long before my absence breaks Cinder’s (Simon’s) heart. I ignore the flutter of hope in my chest that The Mage isn’t manipulating me by telling me Simon is Cinder when he isn’t, but it’s not as if I can take that chance in calling his bluff.

The first problem I have is that I’ll need a mobile. I can’t scare a first year for one without getting in trouble, which I can’t afford with the Mage right now, and it’s not as if I can ask Dev or Niall for one. I might be able to ask the Wellbelove girl, since Simon insists she fancies me, but she’s such a dull goody two shoes that I can guarantee that she will immediately try to tell the Mage or the Coven that I’m up to something.

My hands are shaking as I run them through my hair for the umpteenth time today. I’m running out of options. But what can I do?

Simon

I’m talking to Penny when Baz bursts into our room. I had invited her up to talk after class, because Baz had been called up to talk to the Mage and we would have the room to ourselves. I told her everything, about Ebony and Baz and my new label (I had found one two days ago, with Ebony’s help. Bisexual. I love it).

Penny was patient in listening to me, and at the end she gave me a big hug and thanked me for telling her. And when we were done hugging, she asked me all sorts of questions about Baz.  Crowley, it was embarrassing. (I didn’t tell her about the fight, because I know she’d get so worked up about it.) Worst of all, in the middle of the conversation, Baz rushes into the room.

I’m fairly certain Baz doesn’t hear any of Penny’s prodding or anything when he rushes in, but that’s probably because he seems very distracted.

He’s positively fuming, and Penny actually gets ready to cast, just in case. And she is usually the logical one. I leap up, and I immediately regret it, now torn between getting into a battle stance and hugging him. He looks awful. Paler than usual, and there’s just this brokenness in his eyes.

He looks at me, then Penny, then back at me. He swallows, and looks between us again. His jaw is set, and I’ve never seen him so visibly angry.

“Bunce, may I talk to Simon alone for a minute?” His words are strangled, barely squeezing past his teeth.

Penny looks at me, and she looks unsure, which never happens. Baz called me Simon. He never calls me Simon. It’s always Snow. It must be serious, then. I think Penny senses that, too, but wants me to give her the go.

I nod at her slowly. Today is a day for the impossible, it seems. So I’m going to do my part and trust him.

“Penny will wait outside for a minute, but on one condition. She’s not supposed to be up here, so if she thinks she’s going to get caught, or if she thinks I’m in trouble, she’ll come back in on her own.”

“Fine.”

Baz looks at Penny as she leaves, and somehow, I think the two of them reach a silent understanding. Which is very impressive. Even after living with Baz all this time, I can never guess what he thinks, let alone agree on something without words. I’m a little jealous. Penny flicks her bright purple hair as she walks past, making sure that the door clicks shut audibly behind her. Baz and I watch her as she leaves.

Once Penny is gone, Bax turns back to me, the expression on his face the same as when he first stormed in. For a moment, I think he’s going to kill me.

And then he crumbles, and it’s so much worse.

“Simon, you have to help me. Please.”

Baz looks frantic, and I’m completely lost. I’ve never seen him so broken. I never even thought it was possible. It’s the exact opposite of the malice I saw before, and I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do with my hands, so they hover in the air between us, and my feet must be carrying me towards him, because he’s getting bigger with each passing moment. Closer.

Soon, I’m standing in front of him, and my hands feel cool. I look down, and I’ve grabbed his hands at some point. I meet his eyes, and for a split second, I let myself drink in the impossible grey of his eyes. They look like the eye of a storm, and right now, the rest of him is the hurricane.

“Baz,” I say slowly, pulling us both out of our stupor. “I need you to breathe. And when you’re ready, tell me what I can do to help you. I don’t need you to tell me everything, but I need to know enough to help you, okay?”

Baz stares at me, with wide eyes and mouth agape. His chest is heaving as he focuses on breathing slow, deep breaths, and I realize what a strange scene this all is.

I’m sure Baz believes he’s fallen into another world, one where I am capable of acting like a grown up, but the truth is Penny and Agatha taught me a lot of coping mechanisms because they thought Normal orphanages must be traumatizing. I would argue that the years of being hunted by magickal creatures is worse, but they were useful, so I won’t complain.

Baz calms down at a good, steady pace, his eyes never leaving my face. He still looks a bit surprised, with his lips parted slightly and his hair windswept, and I despite myself I feel a smile twitching on my lips. I gently let go of Baz’s hand and bring it up to his cheek slowly, not even sure if this is the right thing to do. He doesn’t stop me.

“Ready?” I keep my voice low. Soft. Baz nods.

“I need to borrow your mobile,” his voice is so deep when he’s calm. “I need to contact someone, and mine won’t do. I can’t tell you much, but I can tell you that if I don’t call my aunt and get to her flat fast, the person who’s making me do this will hurt someone I really care about. Please, Snow.”

“Simon,” I correct him. Baz seems confused, so I pull away. “You called me Simon before. I don’t see why you should stop now.”

Today must be the day the world ends, because I, Simon Snow, have witnessed the the most impossible thing in all of history. Basilton Grimm-Pitch is laughing. And it’s beautiful. His shoulders are shaking and his eyes are twinkling, and it strikes me for the first time that I may not be in love with him, but I definitely could in the future.

“Simon Snow, you never cease to amaze me,” Baz is obviously making fun of me, as he says this in between laughs and while shaking his head.

Not for the first time, Baz makes me think of Ebony, and that makes me feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t let my heart be split like this, but I can’t help it. I don’t want to think about it just yet, so I pull away from baz and walk over to my bed to grab my mobile, when I turn back around, Baz’s smile has faded, but as I brandish my mobile for him, I notice that it lingers around his eyes.

“Thank you,” he says with sincerity.

My heart is beating very loud, and it feels like it’s trying to jump out my throat and tell Baz every confusing thing in my head by itself. I can’t help but smile, which I hope makes it less weird that I’m moving towards the door.

“I, uh, want to let you make this call in private, so I’ll, um, go into the hall with Penny for a bit. We’ll go to dinner. So, uh, yeah.”

I sound like an idiot. I know I sound like an idiot. Baz knows I sound like an idiot, too, but I scramble out before I can see his reaction. Penny gives me a funny look, but I just complain to her how hungry I am until she rolls her eyes and drags me downstairs.

When I return that night, our room is empty and Baz’s bag is gone. My phone sits on my pillow, and a hollow feeling eats at my chest.

[girlonfilmmovies]

Welcome to Friend Island: "Love Island US Season 3" and the Gaping Sores of America

So I foolishly thought that in the new year of 2021, the world would be in a better place than it was the previous year. After all, we were coming out of the "worst" of the most horrifying pandemic of the past century, a middling presidency that at that point served only a wealth of TV soundbites and less actual damage to the political system, and we were looking forward to a brighter future and a return to what some hoped would be "normal". The past was the past, and this was going to be a new moment.

Oh how naïve we all were.

As of this writing Covid-19 cases are hitting staggering new highs in the southern US, with Florida (of course) somehow hitting a record amount despite vaccines being easily available in the country for months. The death rates are at almost the same as last year. The middling disaster of the 45th president had one more trick up its sleeve, a firebomb brewing for dozens of years that went off in one of the most embarrassing fiascos of American political history. Misinformation has already implanted itself so thoroughly among half the country that people would rather die than admit they were wrong; the spread of such chaos being happily spat out through the algorithms of corporations only intent on raking in dollar signs. All the potential benefits that could have come from this once-in-a-lifetime moment are being briskly swept away: offices demanding their employees come back, no respect given to science and healthcare workers, the country's clearly weak infrastructure forced right back into action as if we didn't just see its gaping holes. The earth is dying and the people who actually have the resources do something about it instead have kickstarted a capitalist space race.

2021 has gone to show that old, toxic habits die hard.

Sigh.

Yeah, I watched Love Island again.

Despite my... let's say mixed feelings regarding last year's shitshow, I couldn't help but admit that it was the closest thing that I've had to appointment viewing TV that I've had in a long time. In an era of streaming and DVR boxes, it's a bit of an actual feat to get someone who works a fulltime job (especially one with erratic scheduling) to go out of their way to watch something the second it premieres. Love Island brings the family together, so they can engage in our favorite pastime: pointing and laughing at young, dumb, fame hungry cis-hets.

Plus, the second season had offered a fascinating glance at how to contend with a pandemic while also trying to stage a typical dumb reality show. The tropical island villa was swapped for a luxurious hotel rooftop in Las Vegas -- a literal ivory tower of ignorant hedonism looking down upon a plagued nation. You could feel the sexual tension of the hot, hyper-sexual adults forced without physical contact for months finally allowed to relieve themselves the only way they know how: toxic relationships. It was trying so hard to be an oasis in a desert yearning for frivolous content, but the façade was clearly visible to the point of satire. It was a wonderful thing to experience firsthand as what I originally thought as merely me dipping my toes into the genre.

Season 2 was the show that we deserved at the time, a funhouse mirror reflecting all the callous stupidity that had led us to this moment in world history. It attempted to offer a happy ending, a look towards the future: a black couple finally winning a reality show, a first for such a mainstream program (both of them actually kind of turned out to suck, but shhhh...).

It also allowed America to completely break the hearts of people while watching them fall apart live on TV. It was cruel, it was stupid, but most of all, it was fun as hell.

Season 3 is not about torturing the competitors. It's about torturing us.

In all fairness, there were a couple of lovely positive developments for the series this season. While still struggling with racial diversity a little bit, as evidenced by them casting only one very specific kind of black man like five times, strides are being taken elsewhere in the lane of body diversity. Alana makes her debut as literally the first woman on this show who isn't a size 0-2, looking absolutely gorgeous in every single shot.

The almost aggressively heteronormative nature of the show is slowly being shaken by a more openly queer cast than previously expected -- multiple bisexual/pansexual contestants participated, even though there wasn't any overtly queer romance shown (also almost all of them were women, with them describing their sexualities being confined to streaming exclusive episodes, which isn't... great). It's certainly a step in the right direction for a show that unceremoniously shuffled off the only queer member of the Season 2 cast overnight once the internet found his gay porn shoot. Ironically, they also ended up booting off the most openly queer member of this cast too, the purple haired proudly pansexual TikTok-er Leslie, but for the more legal reason of smuggling weed into the villa.

It's not terribly surprising that both Alana and Leslie garnered a lot of positive attention both inside and outside of the villa -- they stand out so much against the otherwise predictable casting that we've come to expect from this show and white American media in general. Alana is a woman with actual curves who looks stunningly gorgeous in comparison to the monotonous supermodel figures of everyone else. Leslie almost falls into a stereotype from the way she appears: dyed purple hair, tattooed all over, obviously queer, vaping weed constantly, exuding the kind of chaotic yet weirdly fun energy that only a former stripper can. Yet she obviously grabbed the attention of the contestants because while people like her abound in real life, in the fantasy land of reality TV she's an absolute rarity, a far cry from the sanitized beauty pageant-esque standards that they seem to pluck girls from. The men are still dumb, bland, boneheaded idiots in this show, but by offering some actual variety, they get to actually pursue people they aren't "traditionally" supposed to, while an outsider audience member like me gets to see women like herself be offered up for titillation in the same way "conventionally attractive" women are.

It's kind of cool, even if it is just playing into the icky sexualization of everyone, but hey...progress?

In an odd "two steps forward, one step back" kind of situation, the show has somewhat dialed down the outrageously toxic relationships of last year into a more relatively subdued level of toxicity. Gaslighting/cheating is at least kept to a relative low in this season compared to the nightmare that was last year, although this year's ratio depends on how much of that corresponds with sexy Columbian boy Will's obviously flimsy grasp of the intricacies of the English language. He continued to be plagued by the cliquey-ness of the cast until the very end but his genuinely sweet couple with Kyra still did enough to sneak into the final two.

The actual main problem this year was an almost unbearably long love triangle between Cash, Trina, and Cinco that refused to solve itself for nearly a month. Cash and Cinco perennially kept flip-flopping in their feelings for each other, bouncing between failed partnerships despite so obviously being into each other. Trina ended up roped in as Cinco's partner for a while, a constant victim of his own lack of courage to make up his damn mind. Cash, freshly single and in horny jail (aka Casa Amor), coupled up with the handsome and mysterious Charlie.

Now we need to discuss how bizarre Charlie as a cast member. Not only is he the only member who is, looks, and acts like an actual adult, but he also seems to show no adherence to the rules of reality TV: he's very relaxed and unassuming, seems genuinely uninterested in the "game" aspects of the show, and only perks up during rare moments of actual romantic potential. He's a fascinating spanner to throw into the machine of Love Island, and once Cinco was eliminated in the competition, Charlie had to sit there while Cash only continued to openly and aggressively pine for a man who isn't even her current partner. Proving once again to be an anomaly in the cast, he actually decided to do something about this: he unceremoniously dumped fan favorite Cash like a sack of bricks, sending her home while hooking up with the previously mentioned Alana. This smart decision was met derisively by viewers, despite him being the only person there who actually acted like a fucking adult for once. Ironically, this got him and Alana into the finals, where they finished in last place with the same trademark lack of enthusiasm that we've come to expect from him.

I suppose now we need to uncork the problem of the season and by extension the franchise as a whole. You might have read that previous situation and thought, "gee, a fan favorite got tossed aside while a guy that everyone hated ended up making it into the final four? That seems weird."

But by that point it really wasn't at all.

See, the problem with the voting is that you don't usually get to pick who goes; the audience only gets to pick who to prevent getting kicked. At that point, the audience control is out of our hands and now into the contestants', and if there's one thing we all learned in high school it's that cliques are very much a thing. The contestants seemed dead set on booting anybody who was new the second they had the chance, so many potentially exciting people were so quickly thrown out. Instead of the exciting potential we could have seen, we got a love triangle sucking anyone nearby into doom, with everyone else being a relatively stable couple or part of the Jeremy/Korey wishy-washy railway. Casa Amor was an absolute bust, with people making half-assed couplings despite still being in love with somebody else (it speaks a lot to the weakness of the Casa Amor men that Olivia literally preferred to come back single than with any of those planks of wood).

Part of the problem did rely on factors that nobody could control at all though. "Romance novel come to life" Slade seemed like a threat with his rugged handsomeness, twangy accent, and classic southern charm, but had to quickly leave due to ambiguous family troubles. Similarly, the nearly perfect Josh and Shannon, who seemed like an obvious shoo-in winner by virtue of being probably the only actual relationship on the show, had to depart in the middle of the night due to the tragic death of Josh's sister. Aforementioned chaotic pansexual Leslie was unceremoniously removed in the middle of the night once they had realized that her classic vape pen was actually full of weed, an especially tragic circumstance considering she basically had Cinco wrapped around her finger and was about to bring that love triangle crashing down (also tragic because she has gone on record saying that she was fully crushing on Genny while they were both in there, robbing us of any potential of a queer couple).

But part of the pain as always has to do with how the producers control everything no matter what: what we see, what we hear, who gets the villain edit and who gets the hero edit. It's why they seem to play Jeremy as dumb hot surfer bro instead of the actual funny and charming guy he is. It's why Trina was treated as a bitch and Cash as a woeful victim despite the roles more often than not lining up the other way around. And most embarrassingly, it's how the biggest joke couple of the show ended up winning it all.

Now, look at this picture right here: the poses, the awkward hand holding, the very strange smiles between those two. No, this is not a picture of two teenagers going to prom together who just met only five minutes ago and are taking pictures on their parents' front lawn; these two are the winners of season 3, the supposedly "strongest" couple on the show. This is Olivia and Korey.

Korey is a charming boyish sweetheart by way of an absolute fucking dumbass. He's sort of like last year's beloved and wonderfully stupid Carrington: a very sweet and nice teenager who seems to have "13 Going on 30"-ed his way into an adult body. He's childish in a way that's very cute and friendly but also woefully unattractive to anyone who's an adult. Just like Carrington, he notched up a staggering amount of dates with pretty much every single beautiful woman that came into the villa, all seemingly very interested in him. Carrington, for as dumb and childish as he is, could bag anyone because he was outrageously confident too. Korey on the other hand seems incapable of making any decision, following any girl who pays him the time of day like a little puppy, constantly looking up to her with his big puppy dog eyes. It's very telling that for all the dates he had, almost none of them actually went anywhere because it's just not that appealing to anyone. If you're looking to win, he's not someone who can scheme and play the game. If you're looking for love, he's not going to cut it because he can't seem to even understand the concept of romance. If you're looking for a friend, he's probably the best damn one you'll get in that villa -- but as constantly established by everyone, this show isn't called Friend Island.

Olivia is a bit of a thornier subject. She habitually couples up with people that you can kind of tell she's not at all into. She started the first half relatively unassuming and not particularly interested in the men that she was supposedly attracted to. But you could basically see her panties drop when Slade walked in, ready for him to pull her up into the saddle and ride away into the sunset. But his sudden departure only left her more empty, desperately grasping onto whatever random attraction she could. She went off to Casa Amor single and had the gall to come back without coupling up with any of them (although once again, they really dropped the ball with the men compared to the stunning Casa Amor women). And somehow in the midst of all this wishy washy mess, she finally settled on the one single man who she hadn't coupled up with and supposedly suddenly had feelings for: lonely, little Korey.

As a watcher of two seasons of this shit, I've seen a lot of fake relationships, but this one is just ridiculous. The chemistry is really nonexistent; she seems more annoyed or at best partially amused whenever he tries to say anything genuinely sweet to her. She reacts like how you would when a little kid tries to tell you they have a crush on you, an adult: you just kind of go, "aw, cute, thank you!" and walk away chuckling. It's genuinely comedic in how tragic it is, a boy who thinks he's finally found someone when all she's found is a trip to the bank.

And what did the editors do? They tried their very best to sell this as genuine, as actual romance. We know what romance is -- we basically saw it with Shannon and Josh, and to a lesser extent Will and Kyra. And yet they whipped out that expert level edit to say, "wow, look at these two lovebirds, huh?" It's ridiculous, especially since only in the final episode did they suddenly remember that Jeremy and the stunning Bailey (aka the combination of Gal Godot and Ashley Judd circa-2001) were an actual couple and even they looked more real than the winning couple.

Love Island is, if nothing else, a reflection of America.

It's an outdated tradition desperately grasping to what's left of the typical western idea of romance. No matter how many beauty pageant contestants they pick, men like women who aren't size 2s, or with natural hair/skin, or with family-friendly occupations. Women are probably tired of the big muscle bound hunks they usually put on here, the nearly identical men that they seem to cast every single season who have all the looks but zero of the confidence or personality.

It's an example of how our choices are an illusion, how our influence can be easily overwritten by those in charge. Votes that don't matter when they change the rules on the fly, ripping out the actual choice of the people in favor of letting them decide what stays and what goes.

It's a testament that even in the face of a viral pandemic that's quickly turning into part two, as the lives of millions are being further destroyed across the world, there will always be some asshole who has more than you and looks better than you, vacationing on a tropical island stolen from its people, ignorant of everything else that's happening around them.

Love Island hates everyone. It hates it's contestants. It hates the viewers. It hates change. It hates me.

But I do still kind of love it.

[beepbeeprichiellc]

44. Hesitant kiss

Hesitant Kiss- The type of kiss where their lips touch a brush against each other’s a few times, breath fanning across each other’s faces as one waits for the other to make a move.

There was a reason that Eddie hated parties. Somehow the combination of hormone driven teens, the stench of pubescent body odor, and the slick feeling of a drunk friend’s voice sliding down your skin with each word never did it for him. He supposed that if he drank then he might be able to enjoy himself like the others but a communal punch bowl accumulated bacteria with each dip and he couldn’t bring himself to suppress his lingering germaphobia.

So here he sat, on the scratchy green carpet of Greta Keene’s basement, watching his classmates giggle and pull one another into the closet so they could make up without shame. They called it 7 minutes of heaven, he called it 7 minutes in a claustrophobic hell. God, why did he let Bill drag him to this party? He could be home in bed by now.

Eddie watched his friend stumble out of the closet, his clothes askew and a blush tainting his tan face. Behind Bill was a satisfied Beverly, her smile beaming with pride as she pushed past her friend and took a seat next inbetween Eddie and Richie.

“Jesus Bev,” Richie muttered, his sober tone surprising his friends. “What in the hell did you do to him?”

“Nothing that won’t make Stan jealous.” She replied sinfully, glancing over to the curly haired boy moping on the opposite side of the circle. “Bill wanted to gain a little attention from him and with that stick up his ass, Stan needed a little push.”

“You’re the devil.” Richie whispered, a smirk playing on his lips. “That’s terrible.”

Beverly never got a chance to reply as Gretta pulled the next name from her pink brimmed hat. “Eddie Kaspbrak.” There was a sneer of hatred behind her tone, it’s hurtful disgust slipping down the back of the small losers throat. “Better pull from the boy hat, god knows that Eddie is queer.”

Eddie flinched at the slur, bowing his head in shame. “Hey that’s not fucking fair Gretta!” Beverly hissed beside him, “You can’t just do that! He isn’t-”

“I can do whatever I want Marsh.” Gretta bit, ignoring the other girls protests. “My party, my rules and no self respecting girl wants to be stuck in a fucking closet with a faggot.”

“Oh fuck-”

“It’s fine Bev.” Eddie whispered, pulling at her shirt. “Just let it go okay? It’s not worth a fight.”

“You are so worth a fight.” She replied quickly, the achol on her breath wafting into his face. “People can’t talk to you like that, you have to-”

“Richie Tozier.” Their host sneered, rolling her eyes. “Of Course it’s another fucking loser.”

Eddie’s stomach dropped, the name echoing in his head. He felt himself stuck in his spot, weighted down by the anticipation of his turn. What hateful god did this? Why did it have to be Richie? Literally any other person would have sufficed, he could keep to himself and wait out the timer but with the trashmouth there was lingering tension. Eddie didn’t trust himself in the dark.

“Well come on Eds.” Richie muttered, standing from his seat. “Let’s get this over with.”

His tone wasn’t harsh, but rather annoyed as he pulled Eddie towards the open closet. Not that he could be blamed, every girl at the party was dying to get into his pants and here he was spending his turn with the school faggot. Life was unfair all around. 

The door closed with a soft slam, filling the small space with darkness. Eddie could feel his heartbeat in his ears, his whole body shivering. He couldn’t see his friend, and he didn’t want to. With a shallow sigh, Eddie leaned himself against the far end of the closet, cursing at himself quietly. 

“I’m sorry you got stuck with me.” Richie surprised him with a whisper. “I know you would rather be with like anyone else.” 

“Are you kidding me?” He retorted with a snort of amusement. “I spent the entire night watching girls throw themselves at your feet, if anyone should be disappointed it should be you. You could have really gotten some action at this dumb ass game and instead you are spending it with the schools queer.” 

The slur was sour in his mouth, burning his throat as it was thrown between them. Eddie expected for his friend to agree, to admit that he wanted to end up with someone who would fondle him like some kind of after school special but instead he asked, “Is that what you think of yourself? As the schools queer?” 

“Well yeah.” He admitted to the darkness. “Why not? It’s true isn’t it?” 

“Oh Eddie.” Richie breathed, “You are so much more than your sexuality.” 

His response was a scoff and Eddie didn’t need to see to know that his friend was frowning. “Thanks Richie but I don’t need a pity party. I know what other people say about me behind my back, I’m not stupid.” He let out a exasperated breath, leaning his head against the wall before continuing, “I should have just stayed home, there isn’t anything for me here.” 

“There’s me.” Eddie raised an eyebrow, confused by the added statement. He opened his mouth to reply but his words died on his tongue as his personal space was invaded. Richie’s hands slipped gently down to Eddie’s waist, biting at his shirt. The small boy’s breath hitched in the back of his throat, his body stiffening from the sudden touch. “There’s always been me Eds.” 

Eddie could feel how close their faces were, Richie’s breath washing over him like a title wave of cigarettes and sugar, bathing him in all that was Richie Tozier. He wanted to say something, to express his concern for the sudden closeness but nothing came forward. 

Slowly Richie leaned forward, grazing his lips along his friends. Eddie felt the spark dance on his lower lip, stinging him with their gentle contact. Tension grew between then as Richie repeated the action, this time so agonizingly slow that Eddie had to suppress the scream that built up in his chest. He waited for Tozier to make the first move, to dip in closer so that they could share an actual kiss but it seemed that Richie had the same. 

They stood there, in the dark with Richie’s hands gripping at Eddie’s hips and their noses touching. Never had they been so close and never had Eddie felt the burning need like this under his skin. 

“Richie.” Eddie whispered, his tone low and submissive. 

“Yeah?” 

“Kiss me.” 

“Okay.” Richie whispered, sending shock waves to Eddies nerves. He held his breath as his friend leaned in, desperate for the connection. 

“Time’s up!” Someone yelled form the other side of the door, swinging open the barrier and spilling light back onto them. Eddie groaned loudly as Richie pulled away, feeling suddenly bare. 

“Fuck me.” 

[sandcastles-hedestroys]

1-70 I want to know it all in great detail

I see, the key to getting asks is to passive-aggressively tag your friends.

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Anyone who has ever known me in real life knows I absolutely do not. I have an alcoholic, compulsive liar for a mother and an absent father, plus some grandparents who are so convinced that they are my actual parents that they would probably kick me out if they learned I refer to them as my grandparents. Fun times.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

Either my dog or yours lol. I don’t like telling people I love them. That’s something to be shown through your actions, otherwise the word loses its meaning. 

03: Do you regret anything?

I don’t even know where to start with this one. I’ve regretted basically every major decision I’ve made, and I probably shouldn’t be allowed to think for myself. If I had to name a few things that I regret right now, I would say I regret spending my spring break being so bitter. I really did have a good time, but I would have enjoyed myself more if I hadn’t tried to make it about me. My other big regret at the moment is cancelling my campus residence app. I screwed myself out of a guaranteed place and now I’m stuck with a bunch of drama and uncertainty. Also, there’s a friend that I’ve had for years and there were times when I was pretty horrible to her and she stuck with me despite it. I wish I had been mature enough at the time to be the person she needed in her life, instead of causing drama.

04: Are you insecure?

Extremely. I have a lot of insecurities about my body, mostly my face and hair, but a lot of my family in underweight and it was kind of instilled in me, that to be attractive I had to be underweight, like I remember when I started high school I made it a goal to stay below 110lbs until after graduation. I was still growing so that goal was as unrealistic as it was unhealthy. I’ve struggled with disordered eating since I was like 12. Other than that I can be really insecure about asking for the things I want and need. One of my biggest fears is people seeing me as selfish.

05: What is your relationship status?

I’m a single Pringle! I was in a relationship for a few months, but I got dumped because I consistently put my friends before her, which is funny because I’m in the middle of some conflicts with friends over not talking with them enough. I’ve been on a few dates and stuff since then, but I’m in a bad place right now mental health wise, so being single is probably for the best rn. 

06: How do you want to die?

This is kind of dark, but I don’t really care how I die as long as I’m in control of how it happens. If there’s a really wild and interesting story involved that would be even better. 

07: What did you last eat?

I’m munching on some green chili peanuts with a crap ton of Diet Coke. I’m at home right now so I’ve been eating way more than usual.

08: Played any sports?

I used to do ballet, gymnastics, contemporary and jazz, as well as various ballroom dances. I’ve blocked most of it out and lost a lot of my flexibility, but I would love to return to ballet at some point. I miss gymnastics too, but I’m too tall for it lol.

09: Do you bite your nails?

I’ve always been weirdly prideful of my nails and the thought of biting them has always freaked me out, like my nails are my babies. Keeping them nice is a big deal to me so my chompers can stay the hell away lmao

10: When was your last physical fight?

I’ve never actually been in a physical fight. The closest encounters were last semester, when my old roommate got a concussion from a crazy person that used to live with us, and a few years ago when I let a friend slap me.

11: Do you like someone?

I’m assuming this means like like. I’m not super interested in dating right now, but there have been people that have sparked my interest recently.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

I am smol and weak. My fragile shell of a body would actually start to disintegrate if I tried this. I’ve only made it to 24hrs once and my body like completely shut down.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

I don’t like using the word hate for the same reasons I don’t like using the word love. There are people that I will not associate myself with and there are people in my life that I don’t feel any positive emotions towards, but there isn’t anyone that I could comfortably say I hate. 

14: Do you miss someone?

There are a lot of people from my life a few years back that I really miss, but I have to remind myself that I was a different person then, and some bonds are meant to be broken. I also really miss a lot of the friends I have at school. I take them for granted until we’re apart and then I feel all hallow, like part of me left too and that really sucks.

15: Have any pets?

I have a Chihuahua-weiner mix. He’s super old and he doesn’t have a tail and his name is Bob. He’s great. My aunt’s dog is basically my dog too, and he’s a pit mix. His name is Chester and he is actually a giant teddy bear. My friends have a doggo too, her name is Gwen and I am her aunt. She is the most talented and amazing fluffer who deserves the world.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

I’m at that weirdly numb point right now where emotions are like a foreign concept to me. I’ve been super stressed and I have a lot of pretty serious decisions at the back of my mind that I can do nothing about at the moment. I’m super behind on my schoolwork and with all this stress, I know I can’t catch up. It’s super frustrating and there’s been a lot of drama amongst my friend group, making me feel like I can’t really trust anyone in my life right now. My age has been preventing me from doing so much recently and since my birthday is around the corner, even the people who claim to understand have been super condescending about my anger over it. There have also been a lot of deaths recently in the city where I go to school, and I’ve learned that death is a bit of a trigger for me, so that hasn’t been fun. I feel like I’m one serious breakdown from being there myself and that’s super scary. 

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

Somehow, no.

18: Are you scared of spiders?

When I was little I was really afraid of spiders and would go out of my way to have them killed. I had intense breakdowns whenever I thought a web touched me. Now, I regret having hurt innocent creatures and I think spiders are really cool. Leave the land crabs alone!

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Yeah, knowing what I know now, I think that it would be cool to try and get myself to the point where I am now, but without a lot of the drama.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

My dorm room lol. 

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

I’m taking a greyhound back to my college town on Saturday, and Sunday I’m returning to my normal schedule. I’m not looking forward to that eight hour bus ride.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

I’m kind of a lone wolf, and I really want to travel so kinds aren’t really in the picture, at least not until I’ve gotten my doctorate. Even then I would either adopt or use a donor, and I wouldn’t have more than two. 

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

Right now only my ears are pierced, but I plan on getting my septum done in May, followed by a double medusa. I also really want dimples and a brow done. Eventually I’d do my nipples and stomach as well.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

I’ve always been geared toward the liberal arts. I love all things involving art, history, and languages. I low-key have always enjoyed math too. I’m working on my bachelors in comparative cultural studies with minors in queer studies and museum studies. I want to carry that on to a masters in gender studies and a phd in Buddhist art. After that I’d like to go back to school fo economics and eventually obtain a masters in economic history.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

I miss people from my past when I’m unsatisfied with the people currently in my life. I have to remind myself that they aren’t around anymore for a reason and that it’s more important to work on the relationships that are relevant. Dwelling on the past does more harm than good. 

26: What are you craving right now?

Some love and affection? I’m not craving anything really. I could just use some peace and quiet.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Yes. I’ve broken an ex’s heart when I ended the relationship. I was unhappy, to the point where I cheated. This was also the point when I started to question if I was actually a lesbian. I dumped him and never told him why. I broke my friend’s heart when I led her on, but then rejected her because I was in love with someone else (who did something similar to me). I broke my aunt’s heart when I told her I felt like I don’t have a family. I broke my biological mother’s heart when I made it clear that I didn’t want her in my life. I’m pretty good at the whole hurting others thing. 

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

It’s very possible, but if someone did, they never told me.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

I can’t name a specific time, but I’m sure it’s happened.

30: What’s irritating you right now?

What isn’t irritating me right now? Oh my god. 

31: Does somebody love you?

I’ve had a lot of people tell me they do, but I have a hard time feeling it most of the time.

32: What is your favourite color?

I love every color, and I don’t like making colors feel left out, so my favorite changes a lot. Right now it’s yellow, because yellow is a bright, warm, happy color. I also really like pink. The pastels of both of those are 10/10

33: Do you have trust issues?

I legit don’t even trust myself. The only person I honestly trust 100% is my aunt. I have really bad trust issues, but I also overshare a ton. My life is a cycle of sharing my life story and then panicking. 

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

The other night I went to sleep while drunk and I had this wild dream where I met someone, learned his whole life story, flirted and eventually fell in love with him, came out to him, saying I’m not sexually attracted to guys (he came out as ace too so it was perf), and then he was hit by a car, causing irreparable brain damage. I woke up right after, but that dream will haunt me.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My aunt. I was updating her on my life in college, and it’s been less than ideal.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

I’m a huge believer of forgive but don’t forget. I used to be so bad about grudges that I would be angry even after forgetting what I was upset about. I guess I have the opposite issue here.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Forgive. Like I said above, I might forgive you, but knowing what someone did before will always leaving me searching for instances of them doing it again. Trust issues who?

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

It’s only March and I already know that it will be one of the worst years of my life. Ugh.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I think I was thirteen. I didn’t know how I felt about guys at the time and I almost puked in that poor dude’s mouth. 

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

I have, and it was terrifying. Midday skinny dipping wasn’t one of my greatest ideas.

51: Favourite food?

Avocado on toast with a poached egg on top, muffuletta, yellow curry, and eggs benedict are my top ones.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Absolutely. I didn’t really believe this until my roommate’s big fight last year. So much happened in one night, that wouldn’t have happened if we had done things even a second later. It was wild, but it was like there was so much pent up negative energy that the universe needed to release, and it found a way to make that happen.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

I put some food away.

54: Is cheating ever okay?

The thing about cheating is that it’s when you go out of your way to do something with someone else when you know it would hurt your current partner. It’s something that happens when you aren’t happy in your relationship, and in a lot of cases it can be a cry for help. It is hurtful and a sign that a relationship isn’t meant to be, but cheaters shouldn’t always be villainized.

55: Are you mean?

I can be, but I try not to.

56: How many people have you fist fought?

None, lol

57: Do you believe in true love?

Not really. There are so many people that we have things in common with or who exist on the same wavelength. We might find someone that makes us happy for a long while, but nothing is permanent.

58: Favourite weather?

I love hot, sunny days when you can leave windows open, wear shorts, and only drink things with ice. 

59: Do you like the snow?

I lived in Alaska for over nine years before moving to the Sonoran desert. I moved to Northern Arizona for school, and when I saw snow again, it was as an adult who only saw the negative aspects of it. I hate being cold.

60: Do you wanna get married?

I don’t see myself ever being married. I would have to really love someone if I were to actually settle down and start a life with them. Right now I really only see it as something that would tie me down.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

I honestly hate baby as a pet name. It freaks me out. The only pet names I find cute are the unusual ones, like once when an ex accidentally called me cornbread.

62: What makes you happy?

Getting my nails done, binging my favorite show (Archer), travel, doggos, wandering around in stores with my music blasting so I can feel like I’m somewhere away from my problems, seeing people impressed with food I made, completing a project and being proud of my work, etc.

63: Would you change your name?

I hate my birth name, but I’m also afraid I’ve been conditioned to feel that way by my grandparents as a way to attack my bio mom. Because of that, I’ve been going by my middle name and various nicknames. Most people close to me call me Abby, but my favorite thing is to be called Lynn. I’m pretty hesitant to legally change it though.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Yeah, the last person I kissed kinda sexually assaulted me, and I’d like to avoid that.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Reject them as nicely as possible. Dating would be bad for me right now, and I’m pretty sure I’m not sexually attracted to men.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

I don’t think I have a best friend, period. I don’t think I’m entirely myself around anyone through. Different people will bring out different parts of my personality.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Not sure tbh. 

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My aunt. The conversation we had about my life at school was pretty emotional.

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

No, for the same reason I don’t believe in true love. Life is too impermanent for there to be someone our soul fits with perfectly. There is too much change for something to be predetermined like that. 

70: Is there anyone you would die for? 

Anyone who has ever been somewhat nice too me. Honestly though I would be willing to die for a lot of people. The thought of anyone else having to suffer really sucks and if I can save them from that, I would.

[invinciblerodent]

Propositioned by the Billionaire Moose - A moose(!!!) shifter romance liveblog (part III)

Links to part 1 and part 2 are here!

Good morning everyone, did you miss me? Remember where we left off?

Yep. There.

Also, worth living again. Yikes. Double yikes at her starting to bring up her “inner feline” every second paragraph, which is grrrrrrrrrrrreat.

Listen, I have read Fifty Shades. Anyone’s inner anything can stay as far away from me as humanly possible. Goddess, feline, subconscious, whatever, just.... as far away as possible.

She also admits that him finding out her phone number and where she lives is the definition of a stalker, although that goes like, well....

And…. really, just fuck right off with that. I… no. No, that’s not funny, or clever, or… really anything that deserves recognition from me, or anyone. That’s mildly insulting at the very best.

They also in this scene talk about meeting his family with her as his fake bride- and I’m gonna be honest, I just. Cannot see why this woman is still here.

I mean. She’s a shifter cut off from their community (because apparently in this book they have one and Grandpa Moose is the head of it for some reason) (man, a lot of things happen in this book “for some reason”), he has told her NOTHING about it being a widespread thing and just makes cryptic references to his family smelling her and being okay with her immediately (which she has no clue means that they can smell that she too is a shifter, as far as she knows they’re just creeps, all of them), he stalked her, literally stalked her, like “tracking down her phone number and following her home” stalked her, and then proposed to pay her for marrying him and then divorcing him once his grandpa dies- all while saying that this is a business arrangement, but how difficult it’s gonna be for her to keep her hands off him, winkyface.

Like. Not only would I not be tempted to touch such a creepy, arrogant douchebag, I would run for the hills. In fact, I would have blocked his number the first time he called me, and changed my route to work. 

Romance novel heroines seem to have no instinct of self-preservation.

Also, while I feel kind of bad, this mother character… is really just. Unbelievable. And not in a good way, I mean that I just can’t believe that a mother whose only diagnosed problem is liver cancer (and I know, “only” is a weird word to use here) would start yelling about how ungrateful their adult child is and how they must’ve stolen from her if they go out for less than two hours in the morning (even though Melanie has like a couple part-time jobs? I think? It’s not clear what she does for a living, but she does…. some stuff), and say that a friend invited her for breakfast… With every scene, it just feels more and more like this woman is really deeply psychologically damaged, which is all the more reason why she should not be treated at home by her unqualified daughter. So I’m… a little conflicted about the next scene, when a nurse sent by Creepozoid shows up.

Like, on one hand, that’s great, someone with actual medical training to handle a person who needs both psychological and physical care. But on the other… this is by far my least favorite romance trope, the Rich Guy Spoiling Heroine Despite Her Firm Rejection Of Him Spoiling Her. I know it’s supposed to be romantic in the “yay expensive luxurious stuff!!!!! he’s so thoughtful!!!!!!!!!!” way, but… it could just be my queer ass not understanding The Straights, but I value respect way more than expensive shit.

Like, way to overstep every goddamn boundary that she sets by overwriting her order on what to drink, sending a paid stranger into her home despite her having told him no, buying her expensive clothes without her consent (how does he even know her size????), and just… starting to joke around about something what clearly has her feeling humiliated and like she’s “selling her soul” (her words) to get the only family she has left (who verbally and physically abuses her but nonetheless) out of squalor. It’s just… fucking insensitive, and even if the intent was actually to just be nice (which I dooooubt~~~~~)

Seriously the only three things he knows about her are 1.) what she looks like, 2.) that she’s a shifter, and 3.) that she’s poor. And apparently the first two things are enough for him to want to marry her, while no.3 is what he’s exploiting to get her to agree. Which is just fucking slimy.

Lesson of the day, if you do a nice thing by blatantly disrespecting the wishes of the person receiving said nice thing, chances are it is not a nice thing anymore, and this trope needs to die in a fucking fire.

And oh god, Melanie, please stop mentioning your “inner kitty”. It’s giving me serious Ffity Shades flashbacks, and I would like that part of my life to be well and truly over. It’s enough that I have to sell those books on the daily still.

Also she can smell the moose on him. Which. She describes it as “something untamed and wild” but I just assume he smells like a stable.

Arrogant. Selfish. Creepy. Disrespectful. Inconsiderate of people’s wants. The list goes on.

CASE IN POINT.

This is the sort of shitty romance novel male protagonist that I loathe with a passion, your Christian Greys and whoever elses because you bet your ass I did not finish another novel that was like that who think that flinging money at a person despite them saying “no” is endearing, rather than insulting.

Ugh. So glad I decided to call him Creepozoid instead of whatever his name was, it’s much more fitting. Anyway, chapter ends with the “Rightfully Angry Woman Silenced By Unwanted Physical Affection” cliché, only he doesn’t actually kiss her. Which I welcome, because my god, she has done nothing but tell him no so far, so that would have been probably even worse than it was now.

Chapter 9 is back with the flip-flopping POVs and the unnecessary and, as much as I detest that word, CRINGEWORTHY hashtags- this time, it’s #blueballed.

Just. Can we please not. Can we just not. Please. No. It’s painful. It actually hurts my soul when I see a hashtag in a book, you guys. It actually hurts. Those things have purpose, but only on like twitter and instagram, tho. The functionless hashtag hurts my heart, it really does.

So. Anyway. Driving her to dinner (I still don’t quite remember when they even agreed to go out, besides the “I’ll pay you if you pretend to be my wife” scheme), he’s hard all the way. Which is odd, because she’s supposed to be wearing a knee-length pencil skirt, a blue sweater, and low-heeled shoes. Decidedly not sexy clothes. More cozy, imo, casual. Even if she’s a fucking goddess (which is, y’know, subjective, especially if you have to listen to her) and even if physically he thinks she is the most beautiful woman in the world, her attitude.... should have been an utter turn-off? Like, I just don’t understand why he’s still into her.

Okay, I didn’t understand why he was into her in the first place because WHY WOULD THE SMELL OF A PREDATOR, A FELINE, BE APPEALING TO A PREY ANIMAL.

HAVE WE TALKED ENOUGH ABOUT HOW MOOSE ARE BIG, DUMB DEER WITH WEIRD HEADS, BECAUSE I DON’T THINK WE HAVE.

MOOSE ARE BIG, DUMB DEER, AND THIS BOOK THINKS THEY’RE LIKE THE LIONS OF CANADA???????? WHICH IS WEIRD FOR ITS OWN HOST OF REASONS??????????

Anyway, they continue the charming conversation they were having (bleh) about how Creepozoid is SURE that Cousin Rory is not his cousin (and tbh at this point whether he turns out to be his cousin or not, I just don’t think there is any way to make this plotline interesting because I really just do not give a single hoot), and he remarks in his inner monologue that he doesn’t plan on telling her that getting her pregnant is part of the deal. Then he drops this charming line:

Do I have to remind everyone that so far she has done nothing but tell him no?

Then the conversation veers into Exposition Dump territory, because even though the readers know all this shit about the protagonists (each chapter being narrated by one of these two dipshits), they have had two, individually two minute conversations and know fuckall about each other, so quickly the writer somehow had to cram them revealing to one another their Tragic Backstories. 

And I know had this not happened I would probably have poked fun of how they somehow magically know everything, but like this, as I read, I kinda just felt my life ticking away. This is the kinda shit that, I think, most competent writers would just skip and say that they talked about their lives and families, told one another what they should know to be able to sell the concept of being smitten with one another, and not repeat it to the audience as well.

Of course, again, I wouldn’t point any of this out if these two weren’t such charmless dingbats. Bryce is nonchalantly listing off facts, Melanie is bitter and unpleasant (with reason, but still), and in the end, she drops a bomb about how lonely she is, which, fuck, I would NOT tell this creep.

In fact, I would not sit in the same car as this creep, much less reveal to him that I’m in a vulnerable position emotionally.

But, yknow, you do you girl.

He also tells her to be herself, but his inner monologue says that

Am I the only one who thinks this sounds like he’s grooming her for something? No? Okay then.

This tedious and honestly kinda gross chapter comes to a close with the car pulling up to his family mansion, only to see Rory’s car with his name on the license plate, because Creepozoid is apparently dumb as a rock and could have not recognized the car itself, it had to have Cousin Dearest’s name on it.

Guys, I need to rest my brain for a minute. These two chapters were long, and bad, and just. Full of creepy things. I’m working overtime so much this month, I need to read something actually good for a while.

I guess you could say it’s costing me……… deerly.

And I’m only 48% through, jaybus christ.

Okay, I’m done. Next 2-3 chapters are to be expected next Wednesday! <3

[jupitermelichios]

Sapphy recs some comics

Marvel’s Secret Empire event is a garbage fire that's somehow increasing the amount of garbage in the world. DC are still publishing comics so bad I find them literally unreadable. (To be fair to DC they're doing better than Marvel right now, but low a bar as “didn't make a holocaust survivor into a Nazi” is, this is the company the started selling White Power rings during Black history month, so I'm confident they'll find a way to sink that low soon.)

But the world of Cape comics isn't all misery right now. There's some amazing work coming out of both Houses.  So, to try and counteract the shit, here's my list of the best comics being published by the big two right now.

The Mighty Thor

When Thor Odinson becomes unworthy of Mjolnir, the hammer is taken up by his ex girlfriend Jane Foster. She's a deeply moral person, a brilliant scientist, and dying the breast cancer. The hammer grants her incredible power, but it also purges her system of all poisons. Including the chemotherapy drugs which are her last chance of survival. Nevertheless, she's not going to let that stop her fighting gods, monsters and a sometimes-minotaur.

I'm starting with the best of the best. The comic is consistently brilliant, bordering on perfect in places. The writing is fantastic, the art is great (check out Thor’s muscles! Heroines getting to be muscular!) But the real star is the colouring, which is superlative. This book is a fucking masterclass on how to create the perfect Asgard comic, and there's a woman front and center. And don't worry if the premise sounded like too much of a downer for you, this comic is one of the most fun out there right now.

(And if you want to see that stunning cover in more detail, zoomable version is here. Even if you don’t like comics, you gotta admit that it just some damn good arting.)

Detective Comics

Batman recruits Batwoman to help him train a team of less experienced vigilantes, ostensibly to help combat Gotham’s crime problems. In reality, he’s using it as a way to get closer to a shadowy organisation who have the group under surveillance. When the confrontation with this group finally arrives, Bruce finds himself realising that he needs this new team more than he’d ever expected.

The writing on this series has gone from good to fantastic as the creative team start to really build up steam. It’s still a majority white straight book, but there’s genuine and effective efforts being put in to introduce diversity. They’ve added more non-white characters, given Cassandra Cain a major story arc (which has reduced me to tears on the bus at least once) and had a cameo from a brilliant original trans character, which introduced the fascinating titbit of Batman lore that he sends congratulations cards to his friends who come out. Because sometimes Bruce is adorable. There is one major character death, but so far all stories hint to that being a deliberately temporary thing, and it was handled so well I’m almost not mad. If you’re going to kill off a character with that much history, that’s the way to do it.

USAvengers

Bobby de Costa is a former New Mutant, a superhero, and a billionaire with a penchant for doing the unexpected, so when the opportunity came up to purchase the controlling stake in supervillain science organisation AIM, he took it. He then appointed himself supreme leader, renamed it Avengers Idea Mechanics and become the world’s first genuinely benevolent supervillain. At the end of New Avengers, AIM was absorbed into SHIELD, giving the book a rebranding as USAvengers and Bobby a whole new set of headaches to deal with.

This probably isn’t the best comic on this list, although it is consistently good, but it’s my favourite. By miles. It has never once failed to leave a grin on my face, and I look forward to the new issues all month. I love the team dynamic, I love how Al Ewing writes Wiccan, I love that Yinsen Ho’s daughter is Iron Patriot (chinese/totally-not-tibetan-honestly American lesbian wearing the red white and blue armour), I love everything about Bobby de Costa. Most of all though, I love that in the current marvel climate, they made it canon that in all non post-apocalyptic hellscape futures, a black woman is Captain America. All of them. That is canon now, no take backs allowed.

Doom Patrol

First Casey Brinke’s ambulance directs her to pick up the pieces of a smashed up Robot with a human brain, then a man with holes of void where his chest should be shows up and vomits on her floor. Now she might be a superhero, the ambulance is sort of her dad, and she’s got to save a lot of dubiously real people from the clutches of a Supervillain, who is also sort of her dad. And she’s worried about her cat. It’s been a weird couple of days.

I never read Doom Patrol - by the time I was reading comics to any significant degree, it had become one of the comics DC was faintly ashamed of, something that happened in the past that they weren’t going to be bring up again anytime soon. Then Gerard Way, rockstar, artist and writer of an Eisner award winning surreally-dark superhero comic, turned up at their offices with a doom patrol t-shirt, a microphone and a really convincing pitch as to why he should be given creative control to start a new imprint (at least I presume that’s how it went.) The results were Gerard becoming writer for a new run of Doom Patrol, and me being given a chance to fall in love with this supremely weird team. Every issue of this book feels like being given a chance to peek inside someone else’s dream, in the way Gerard’s comics always do, and I absolutely love it.

Unbeatable Squirrel Girl

Doreen Green has the proportionate strength and agility of a squirrel, as well as the ability to talk to squirrels of all kinds, a finely honed sense of fair play and moral decency, and a thirst of knowledge. To that end she enrols herself onto a computer science course, becomes best friends with her knitting and cats obsessed roommate Nancy, and teams up with fellow student heroes Koi Boi and Chipmunk Hunk to give evil a darn good talking too, and if that doesn’t work, her skills include kicking butts and eating nuts, and she just finished all her nuts.

This comic is cute, socially conscious, appropriate for all ages, and consistently hilarious. If you spend any time at all around comics or comic-book fans, chances are you’ve heard of it. It really is as good as its hype. There really isn’t much more to say about it. It’s very very good. You should read it.

Harley Quinn

With Harley finally free of the Joker, the news that she’s been left a building on Coney Island in the will of a grateful former patient couldn’t come at a better time. The building turns out to house a wax museum and burlesque show, staffed by a host of colourful characters who make her feel right at home. She gets herself a job as a shrink, another on a professional roller derby team, and eventually a third running a team of superheroes for hire, and sets about rebuilding her life, her self-esteem, and her relationship with on-again off-again love interest Poison Ivy.

This isn’t a perfect comic, and it feels like it could be more than it is (mostly by being gayer than it is), but to keep the quality this consistent over a run of this length is damn impressive for a comedy book, as is juggling such a large supporting cast. At this point there are issues where I’m genuinely more invested in the tribulations of former punk current Burleque show MC Big Tony or aging superspy Si Borg than I am in Harley, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. With a book like this, the supporting cast are what keep it interesting, and I genuinely like every one of them. This Harley maybe isn’t as well written as the one we’re getting in the Injustice comics, but that’s hardly a criticism. All in all a consistently well written funny book with a really fun cartoonish art-style and great colouring.

And a shout-out to a non-Cape non-Big Two comic:

Wicked + Divine

Once a century, gods walk the earth. For two years they inspire humanity, perform miracles and give people access to divine communion. At the end of those two years they die. The last incarnation was in the roaring twenties. Then in London, in 2013, the gods begin appearing once again. Baal, Lucifer, Sakhmet, Minerva, Inanna, Tara, Woden, The Morrigan, Amaterasu, Baphomet, Dionysus and The Norns walk the earth, and they are everything humanity had come to expect from their gods. But all is not as it seems, and they are all in more danger than they realise,

This is, without a doubt, the best comic coming out right now. Keiron Gillen is a fantastic writer, who is always looking to improve his work, and genuinely cares about queer representation in comics. Jamie Mckelvie just keeps getting better as an artist, and it’s rare to find a writer/artist pair who feel as perfectly in sync as Gillen and McKelvie. This book is Gillen’s lovesong to Britpop, and that passion shows in every word. It also features a great trans character, a woc as the MC, an out asexual character, a whole lot of bi characters, a racially diverse cast, and a lot of great plot twists. If you’re not reading this already, you are missing out.

[silentauroriamthereal]

Every title I could think of was too long, too: Thoughts on series 4 (and 1-3). Johnlock, Mary, Queer baiting, plot holes, how human relationships work, and other things that made me use a lot of caps

All right, folks. It’s 4,500 words long, hahaha. I feel like I just gave birth. Read on, if you dare. 

I’ve started this post about five different times now. Sixth time’s the charm? 

Okay. I have to start with this: I am a Johnlock shipper. A diehard, it-comes-before-everything-else-for-me sort of shipper. That doesn’t give me that most objective of stances, but there it is. Counting my 8 pre-series 3 stories (303,923 words collectively) and my 5 post-series 4 stories (30,526 words collectively so far), I have now written a total, as of yesterday’s fic, of 1,557,772 words of fiction over exactly 70 stories. That means that 1,223,323 words of the fiction I’ve produced over the past three years has been series 3 fix-it fic. Because that’s when the show runners lost me.

It’s a super unpopular opinion. Or was then, at least! What I see, as a writer and a viewer both, is a pattern in both Moffat and Gatiss’ writing of starting off really strongly, then inevitably copping out and taking some kind of easy out that fails to fully resolve what came before it. It fails to realistically deal with the fall-out in terms of human relationships. I watched Doctor Who for awhile, though I was never a huge fan. On Doctor Who, nothing makes sense. The “science” is obviously not meant to be believable. Personally, I always prefer things set in real life with believable plots and storylines. Despite my beginnings in the Harry Potter world, universes that involve magic and similar elements are not usually my first choice. With a large exception for Tolkien’s entire universe. On Doctor Who, you’re not supposed to believe the plot, and that’s good, because it’s impossible to do so. However, when the human relationships also make no sense, I’m out. And they don’t. I was constantly seeing, particularly when Moffat took over as the main writer, things that didn’t make sense in Amy and Rory’s relationship. And the plots, nonsensical as they were, also never panned out, added up, had the impact they should have, and I generally got the feeling that they’d often not been planned through from the start.

I’ve had the same feeling about Sherlock at least since series 3. And in part, they’ve said it themselves. True, they’ve said that they had some things in mind all along, but they’ve also admitted that they didn’t have everything plotted out from the start. I don’t have an article reference for this, but I remember reading once that Gatiss said that they had not planned what to do with the baby after series 3, that they had written her in to amp up the drama for HLV. That says sloppy planning to me, because a baby is not exactly a goldfish. You can’t give it to a neighbour when it becomes inconvenient (though apparently John did little else in series 4). I maintain that it was a bad writing decision. My point, though, is that they didn’t make a plan as to what to do in the longer term. And every series resolution has had this same problem.

Series 1 ending: Sherlock and John have just silently agreed to die together rather than let Moriarty escape them. Sherlock shooting the bomb would take out the entire building, including the snipers above them.

Resolution: Moriarty gets a phone call, changes his mind, shuts down the snipers, and walks out unchallenged. There MAY have been a massive police search for the snipers and Moriarty, but it was never shown. They didn’t seem to think it was important. It was all onto the sexy naked lady. And there was no conversation between Sherlock and John about the fact that they nearly died, that they agreed to do it together, that they agree that the world cannot be compromised with terrorists like Moriarty on the loose. Normal people discuss things like that, major, potentially life-ending events. But they didn’t think it was important to show us any of that.

Series 2 ending: Sherlock is blackmailed into jumping off a nine-storey building in front of John. The collateral was the lives of John, Lestrade, and Mrs Hudson. He jumps and somehow survives. John is seen grieving fiercely. Moriarty is dead.

Resolution: John is never told that he would have died had Moriarty not forced Sherlock’s hand. (You can say things about the blog here, but I consider that only semi-canon and frequently inconsistent with the onscreen canon, so let’s just leave that out of this discussion.) The writers never thought it was important for John to know that: a) Sherlock had no choice. Not if he wanted John to live. John is still, in series 4, blaming Sherlock for his absence. b) He didn’t know that he was going to die if Sherlock didn’t do it, that there was a reason that Sherlock couldn’t tell him he was still alive. Sherlock’s silence was imperative for John’s safety, and Sherlock – as he has always done – put John’s safety above everything else. Literally everything. He didn’t even know for certain that he would survive the jump, but he took the chance because John’s life, and the lives of Mrs Hudson and Lestrade, mean that much to him. John still doesn’t know that, because the writers didn’t think it was important to include that. Not only that, they refused to even confirm that that was actually the definitive method by which Sherlock survived. Sloppy resolution, and disappointing.

Series 3 ending: Sherlock has just killed someone, for the sake of someone who shot him in the heart. Moriarty appears to be alive. John sends Sherlock off un-thanked and refusing to name his child after Sherlock, which considering all that Sherlock has done for him and his killer wife, is a bit low. Also there’s a baby on the way despite nothing pointing to the Watson/Morstan having an ice cube’s hope in hell of surviving. A marriage based on lies, John not even knowing his wife’s real name and preferring to keep it that way, the most reluctant, grudging take-back scene in history, and a piece of seriously inconsistent characterisation for a man who once got himself arrested for having punched someone for insulting Sherlock. Ugh.

Resolution: None whatsoever. The Watson/Morstan union is still on, though the Watson half is obviously very unhappy and actively looking to cheat (also completely inconsistent with his former characterisation). The Morstan part of the union (and believe me, we are coming back to this character with force in a bit) is apparently nothing like her former self, sugar-coated in the worst of ways and apparently still full unrepentant for absolutely everything, starting from any of her criminal past to having shot Sherlock, to having accepted his sacrifice in killing her blackmailer for her, to having lied her ass off to John from the very start, to pushing John aside to come between him and Sherlock, to making him stay at home with the baby while she goes in his place, all while “playfully” calling Sherlock a pig and comparing John to a dog. The baby is still there and still in the way. Moriarty is apparently still pursuing a posthumous attack scheme. What the ever-living fuck.

Why else they lost me in series 3: because, as I said, I’m a Johnlock shipper. I’ll admit without shame that I’m far more invested in this relationship than I am in the plots themselves. It’s nice when the plot is good. But if this central relationship isn’t working for me, then I don’t give three fucks what happens in the rest of the plot. For me, TST was really bad. I hated it. But TLD was vivisection, if I may. I was never expecting Johnlock to become canon – next point, hang on – but seeing John actively hating Sherlock and beating him half to death when he was already dying (that’s not exaggeration; that’s canon) – not even the hug could redeem that for me. I loved the hug. I would have loved it forty million times more if it hadn’t happened because John was crying about his dead killer wife. I would have loved it even more than that if he’d hugged back. For that reason alone, TFP was preferable for me, just because Sherlock and John were clearly a team again, friends again, happy to be in each other’s presence again. I LOVED that both Sherlock and Mycroft knew instantly, without a word of discussion, that there was no way in hell that Sherlock was ever going to even consider choosing Mycroft above John. John was less clear on that point, but the Holmes brothers both knew that this was concrete, unchanging law, which is completely consistent with literally everything Sherlock has done since TRF. I loved that this wasn’t even a question for him. We’ll get to the rest of the episode.

What I hated about series 3 was that John married someone who isn’t Sherlock. It’s that simple: people were squeeing about the stag night and the dancing behind closed curtains, but at the end of the day, JOHN MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE. This is so far beyond acceptable for me that I felt sick. I was dreading series 3 coming out for the very reason of John’s wedding to Mary Morstan. We hadn’t met Mary yet. I knew that Amanda Abbington, who I knew nothing about other than that she was Martin’s partner, had been cast. I had a friend at the time who argued that they had to cast someone that Martin had strong chemistry with to balance his chemistry with Benedict. I hated that, too. I hated having that chemistry that everyone loves so much challenged. And then HLV took a turn for the better: Mary was exposed as the terrible human being that she is. In a down side, she shot and very nearly killed Sherlock. But his love for John and concern for his safety and knowledge of Mary’s villainy pulled him through and they sat her on her ass and treated her as a client, a client and nothing more. I cheered. And then the writers wrote in a bizarre six-month gap, one in which John was clearly not living with Mary (“months of silence”), and then he made the inexplicable and completely out of character decision to take her back. My heart sank. “But the baby!” you rage-moo, and yes, precisely: the baby. If only there hadn’t been a baby. Personally, I think it’s a disservice to raise a child in a hostile atmosphere, but what do I know. So, I was massively unhappy with series 3, as my 1.2+ million words of ensuing fic might suggest.

One of the worst decisions the writers made, and this is all part, by the way, of my overarching point of how they didn’t make Johnlock canon, was the inclusion of the character of Mary Morstan. They have queer-baited and alternately straight-washed throughout these four series, but this was the ultimate straight-wash: having John ACTUALLY marry someone else. And for me personally, it was just weird seeing that person be Martin’s former actual partner. They had, in an ironic backfiring, zero chemistry onscreen. They had old boring married I-gave-up-and-let-go-ten-years-ago chemistry, and it still didn’t compete with Martin and Benedict’s amazing onscreen chemistry. So we had to watch this thing that they cooked up and shoved down our throats and were told to accept it and believe and love it and defend it. And I just didn’t do any of those things. I hated Mary from the moment she interrupted John’s super reluctant proposal. They wrote nothing that made me believe in their relationship, even had I wanted to forget everything they had already written pointing to a romantic relationship between Sherlock and John. Which I didn’t. They wrote that and sold me and thousands of other people on it, then introduced this third wheel. Amanda promised that Mary would never come between Sherlock and John, but perhaps she should consider shutting her trap and not acting like part of the official PR (not that they’re any better, and I’m still coming to that), because Mary did LITERALLY nothing but come between Sherlock and John.

She immediately inserted herself into their relationship. I blame this partly on Sherlock’s idiotic decision to see John immediately, no matter what he was doing. He assumed, and it frankly should have been a correct assumption, because he was the sun around which John revolved, that John would want to see him no matter what he was in the middle of doing. A bit of bad planning, but if Sherlock is somewhere on the autism spectrum, which people generally assume that he is, then social skills are not his strongest suit. He hadn’t seen the friend he spent two years enduring torture and living on the run to protect and he’d just gotten back. Of COURSE he wanted to see John as soon as possible. And of course John’s reaction was entirely understandable, and entirely predictable. What that scene didn’t need was Mary to further hack away at John’s feeling of insignificance by siding with Sherlock immediately, agreeing that she hated his awful moustache, and ignoring everything her semi-fiancé was going through and stating that she liked Sherlock, as if her opinion had ANY relevance at that point. She inserted herself as their mediator, when they would have gotten there soon enough once John’s temper cooled down. Her pushing at John probably only slowed him down, because John doesn’t respond to pushing. And maybe Mary meant to slow him down. I don’t know. Mary came between them in every way possible. By marrying John, by inserting herself into their duo and pushing John to the side, by fucking up absolutely everything in their lives with her undisclosed past, by shooting Sherlock in the heart rather than dealing with her blackmailer herself and accepting Sherlock’s help. By lying, lying, lying, lying, and more lying. Now there’s a child for them to look after. Now there’s the spectre of John’s failed attempt to love her between them. Her double-faced, lying presence threw off the balance of the show. Her abusive, gaslighting, manipulative behaviour was portrayed as cute and fun and somehow manages to gloss over the canonical reality that Mary was someone who killed people to earn money for herself, showed zero remorse for having done so, zero remorse for her inexplicable decision to try to kill the title character of the show while leaving her blackmailer alive, zero remorse for having attacked her own maid of honour, zero remorse for having lied to John from start to finish, zero gratitude to Sherlock for having saved her from Magnussen, zero remorse for having drugged Sherlock, zero remorse for having left John and the baby behind, zero remorse for having killed that flight attendant and whomever else, zero remorse for having fled John’s side to protect herself as soon as the shooting broke out, zero remorse for having abandoned her teammates without even checking to see if a rescue attempt was possible, leaving them to die or suffer six years of torture, zero remorse for FUCKING ANYTHING except having been caught in her lies. And then she left Sherlock a video telling him to kill himself or get himself killed as a “means to save John” (who wouldn’t have needed saving had he never met her lying ass in the first place!), with no means for John to see said video, and her method failed anyway because John was so racked with guilt over having wanted to or almost cheated on her that he had already made the fucked up choice to displace his guilt onto Sherlock, rendering him incapable of caring whether Sherlock lived or died, in the very worst of his inexplicably out of character actions.

And then the writers credited Mary for having somehow “created” the Holmes/Watson duo, as though they wouldn’t have become what they already were had Mary Fucking Morstan not told them to from one of her posthumous home videos. FUCK THAT SHIT. I have never hated a character as much as I hate Mary Morstan. Her presence on this show ruined it for me.

They could have saved it. They could have, I don’t know, kept her in character in series 4 as the completely terrible human being that she is, played it out to its natural conclusion – have her fake her death to reveal her as one of the nurses who was administering the memory altering drug, who passed Faith Smith’s note on to Eurus Holmes, as part of the whole Eurus/Moriarty/Mary axis of evil. Except that the first two of those people are clinically insane, and Mary is apparently just a quirky narcissist.

All this is to say how and why they lost me as of series 3. For the past three years, I’ve been reading meta (and writing a little, myself) about the romantic coding of the Sherlock/John relationship. It’s ALL there in the show. I never disagreed with that. Let me explain super clearly the ONLY place where I diverged from TJLC: Look, it’s diagram time, courtesy of my shitty Paint skills! 

Let me be super clear: I don’t think that anyone read anything wrong. I don’t blame anyone for having believed that they would make it canon. I’m just saying why I didn’t. We were given conflicting messages. The show said one thing, and the creators said something else – sometimes. I fully agree that they were deliberately misleading. It’s just that I’m a cynic, and I believed the times when they told us what turned out to be the truth. My gut believed it. It wasn’t just the ways in which they said they would never do it, it was how. I saw that that tweet screen cap is going around again, with the person who said they would die if Johnlock didn’t become canon in series 4 and Mark Gatiss responded with “RIP”. It was an incredibly insensitive tweet given that the attack in Orlando had just taken place the previous day. And it wasn’t the first comment of its nature that the writers have made. Mark talks in this video about how “moving” the scene of John taking Mary back is (start just before the 58-minute mark). (Side note: I mis-remembered this as Sue having made this remark, which I’ve said a few times now. Apologies!) It’s said on the Behind the Scenes video for TST that Sue cries every time she sees the Mary death scene. It’s things like this that make me wonder if they’ve been watching the show they actually made, because it really seems like they can’t see their own work accurately. What really put the nail in the coffin for me, though, was what Mark said at San Diego ComicCon last year. He said the following:

“He explicitly says he is not interested. Doesn’t mean he couldn’t be. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it. I’m a gay man. This is not an issue. But we’ve explicitly said this is not going to happen – there is no game plan – no matter how much we lie about other things, that this show is going to culminate in Martin and Benedict going off into the sunset together. They are not going to do it. And if people want to write whatever they like and have a great time extrapolating that’s absolutely fine. But there is no hidden or exposed agenda. We’re not trying to fuck with people’s heads. Not trying to insult anybody or make any kind of issue out of it, there’s nothing there. It’s just our show and that’s what these characters are like.” (Here)

 He also said in the same article that they were not going to use their show as a platform for representation or other social issues. He said that doing so would ruin the show. These are his exact words:

“Don’t blame us for things that aren’t there. It is infuriating. We get pilloried for these things as if our show – we haven’t even made the thirteenth one yet – has to have the shoulders to bear every single issue and every single campaign point. You can’t do that. It’s our show, they’re our characters, they do what we want them to do, and we don’t have to represent absolutely everything in that ninety minutes. It’s impossible.  And it would kill it. It would be deadly to it.”

Yeah. He said that our seeing Johnlock in what they wrote was “infuriating”. It damned well shouldn’t have been, because they’re the ones who put it there!! I can only assume that it was a deliberate choice to then deny it and leave it out in what certainly felt like their final episode. It would have been SO EASY to put it in. With no “help” from that ridiculous, unnecessary Mary video, all they had to do was add something like Sherlock dropping a kiss on John’s forehead as he passed the baby over. That’s all it would have taken. That’s all anyone could have dreamed of, asked for, hoped for. No one was demanding explicit anal penetration in the sitting room with the married ones looking on from the front door. Just a simple little action like that would have said it all, and been enough to confirm the relationship they’ve written from the start. Or it could have been a quick exchange of dialogue in that montage at the end of TFP. John could have started doing something and Sherlock could have said, “John, you don’t have to do that.” John could have smiled into the camera/mirror and said, “Yes, I do. No flat that I live in is going to have a bison skull with no headphones!” And there we would have at least had explicit confirmation that John moved back in. I’ve always loathed parentlock, personally, but I’d have taken it. I’d have taken it and thanked them for at least just making the ship canon after all. And I’d have eaten every word of doubt about their intentions that I’d ever uttered, too.

I don’t blame anyone for believing. Because they could have done it, and they should have. They should have. And you have every right to feel angry and hurt and cheated that they didn’t. Shame on you, Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat. Shame on you for the queer-baiting. Shame on you for leading us on. Shame on you for the lazy writing, the sloppy resolutions, the vast array of plot holes and loose threads.

I promised I would also comment on this last episode specifically, so here it is. Don’t hate me for this, but I have to say that, plot holes and lack of Johnlock aside, I liked TFP better than either TST or TLD. You know why? Because Sherlock and John were a team again, and that’s what I live for. John didn’t actively hate Sherlock. He wasn’t an OOC asshole to him the entire time. He didn’t hurt him, physically or emotionally. They were clearly and wonderfully working together from the very start. I loved his exchange with Mycroft at the end of the scene at Mycroft’s (weird, scary) house, the whole “someone gave him the idea that you would only tell the truth if you were basically wetting yourself” and that that person was John, and his candour in telling Mycroft that. I loved that. And what I liked the most about the episode was how, when Sherlock was forced to make a decision between John and Mycroft, both the Holmes brothers knew without one shred of doubt that there was no way that Sherlock would ever, ever, ever choose Mycroft over John. It was unquestioned. In TLD, there was a hug at the end, yeah. But I also had to endure the beating scene, and Mary throughout. The best thing about this series is that Mary is dead. That’s the best thing I can say. Because the rest was a disaster.

The straight-washing with all of the unnecessary Irene inserts. Lady Smallwood and Mycroft, though at least there was a ray of hope for you Mystrade shippers out there at the end. The Molly scene was BRUTAL. And fuck them for what they did with her character, too. LET HER MOVE ON. And behave like a grown woman, too. Ugh. Poor Molly. The plot holes. THE PLOT HOLES. Better people than me have already written lengthy posts outlining them all and this one is already more than long enough, so I won’t detail them all. The Garridebs massacre. That was cruel. I found all of the references pointing to Mycroft as a closet cross-dresser amusing. Taking after Uncle Rudy, indeed, plus the whole Lady Bracknell thing. I actually laughed out loud at that, whereas I didn’t laugh at anything in TST or TLD at all, ever. I think I watched them both with clenched fists. As I said earlier, I frankly don’t really care about the plots, this one included, though I rolled my eyes massively at the thought that Eurus was behind Moriarty. Sigh. I did like Sherlock’s growth and compassion, and I really liked him taking the time to reach out to her through the violin. I like that they put a woman in Sherlock’s life who was important to him as something other than a failed love interest. The violin conversation at the end was beautiful. The Redbeard stuff was utterly horrifying. Insert more ranting about the associated nonsensical, plot-hole-y stuff here. I think I’m starting to run out of steam, lol. I just want to go and write fiction now. I’ve been writing this post for hours and I could say a lot more, but… I think that’s enough.

Bottom line: you weren’t wrong to believe. I didn’t, but I don’t blame you for it. These writers have done the show and its characters and its audience a massive disservice. For me, Mary was the worst thing they inflicted on this show and on the ship, but it wasn’t beyond hope, EVEN in spite of everything else they did to ruin this relationship in the first two episodes of the series. I can’t help but wonder if they denied it out of sheer spite in response to the fan pressure to make it canon, but that would be blaming the victim. I just wonder how spiteful they have to be. I genuinely think that they don’t see this as having been a malicious action, or that they’ve ever considered that what they’ve done qualifies as queer baiting. Obviously it is, but I genuinely wonder about their intentions. I don’t know, but at this point, all that matters is what they actually did.

I’m emotionally exhausted by all of this, but relieved that the series is over, because I was frankly dreading it, apparently for good reasons. At least I know now what I’ll be busy fixing for the next three years, or possibly forever if they never make another series. Mission: accepted. And now my watch begins. As I said the other day, this is why we here in this fandom exist: because the canon will end someday, and after that, their world belongs to us.