#calvin BRISEBOIS LOL | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

randomoranges · 1 year ago

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me, like, last week: man ive been in such a writing rut.

me, today, wrote 9 pages on calvins thoughts.

me: ok then.

please enjoy 9 pages of calvins thoughts. i realise ive written a similar series of things on this topic, but not necessarily from calvins pov and if anything, complicated thoughts happen more than once :)

Best Boyfriend Award

?, 2023+

In his humble opinion, Calvin was a great hecking boyfriend and he deserved an award for being so open-minded and chill about the current state of affairs. As far as he was concerned, he’d come a long way in the past few years, really. After all, he went from having a very homophobic reaction to Edward’s coming out, losing his best friend because of said reaction, making amends and reconnecting with said best friend, somehow or other hooking up with Edward for funsies – or whatever they’d both called it at the time, doing some introspection only to realise that he might have a thing for Edward, admitting to Edward that he had a thing for him and finally starting an actual god-honest-adult relationship with Edward where they talked about their feelings and admitted to liking one another.

As far as business plans went, he was doing quite well, thank you very much.

Okay, sure, most of the second part of it had come as a surprise and had been unplanned, but anyone who made business plans knew that there always had to be some room for unexpected curve balls. The whole ‘I-might-have-actual-romantic-feelings-for-Deadward’ had been his curve ball and, honestly, it had all worked in his favour in the end. So again, he was totally winning at this. He’d entered the twenty-first century, had nearly lost one of his dearest and oldest friends, but somehow, he’d come in clutch in the last quarter and had changed things around for the best.

Totally winning.

Of course, anyone who made business plans also knew that sometimes, there were other unexpected curveballs that even experts couldn’t predict. Calvin had not been an exception to that particular clause.

Because obviously, the universe still liked to come for him every now and again and this was really the crutch as to why he was the actual best hecking boyfriend out there and deserved an actual award.

See, after he’d ironed things out with Edward, he’d remarked that Edward, his darling dearest, seemed to have been in a rift with none other than Étienne M. Maisonneuve. And Calvin had decided that he would make it his mission – his personal mission – to fix it. Because, Calvin was not a stupid man, and in this day and age, it was always important to make good connections. A big city player like Étienne was an important asset to have. Étienne had been around the block and even though Montreal no longer held the same economic and financial power it once had, the city remained significantly important. Therefore, it was good to build bridges and maintain friendly relationships. It would pay out in the long run; of that he was absolutely convinced.

(The fact that Calvin had always looked up to Étienne was neither here nor there. The guy was cool, okay? There was something about Étienne’s French carelessness that gave him a certain dje-neh-say-kwa. Calvin could only hope to achieve that easy way Étienne carried himself. Hence, he’d devised his clever little scheme (business plan#2) of the Brunch Gang, where he’d assembled all the high city slickers to get to know them better.)

(And the fact that he thought Edward, of all people, was also really cool was neither here nor there, okay? Deadward was Deadward, and for as much as he was actually lame most of the times, in his own lameness, Edward was cool. Edward was always willing to help those he cared for (in his own way, but still.) And, Edward was always patient with him, even if it meant having to punch some sense in him in the literal way. Edward was a good person.)

Anyways.

After he had gotten over just how actually cool it was to hang out with the others, Calvin had realised, after mentioning to Edward something Étienne had said or done, that his boyfriend (!!!) had – reacted rather strangely to hearing the other’s name.

How utterly naïve he had been.

At first, he’d thought Edward was being his regular obtuse self, when he’d suggested time and again that he could introduce Edward to Étienne. He wasn’t completely stupid though. He knew that Étienne and Edward were friends. Had been friends. Something, whatever. It didn’t matter. Once upon a time, the two used to hang out. He knew, because Edward had mentioned Étienne in passing a few couple of times, and Calvin had run into Étienne in Edmonton a few times as well.

But, he’d thought they’d been friends. That’s it. That’s all. Friends who’d had some big ol’ spat and didn’t know how to patch things up.

However, after prodding Edward half a million times, eventually, Edward had told him the truth of the matter. The whole danged complicated hot mess of a truth and how Edward had gone and fallen for none other than Étienne M Maisonneuve and how he had no actual idea how it was that it had spectacularly backfired so epically.

Calvin had been very cool and calm and collected about the Whole Thing, really. So, Edward had a complicated past with Étienne. Big deal. That was fine.

He still thought the two of them should talk it over and mend broken bridges and such. If only to move on and get closure. And he was ready to be a good boyfriend and help the process. Because he was that great of a human being, thanks.

(Of course, he hadn’t taken into account that Edward would do things his own way and somehow manage to reconnect with Étienne all on his own, in the least spectacular way ever. But whatever, at least Edward no longer got that stupid haunted look whenever Étienne’s name came up in a conversation. So, there was that. Progress. Amazing.)

And this was when the stupid curveball came. When Calvin’s super-great-business-plan-that-wasn’t-a-business-plan nearly crumbled before his very eyes.

It happened when, a few years later, after Edward’s rekindled friendship with Étienne was actually starting to go somewhere, Edward admitted that he still had Feelings for Étienne of the Romantic Kind. (Ok, the context of how Edward had told him was not the best (there may have been booze. Edward may have been a bit out of it.) But – well, those had been words that had been said out loud.)

And then, Calvin’s world had stopped for one hot minute. Fears he thought he didn’t have coiled around his heart, slithering up his spine. Was Edward going to leave him? Had he been some odd little rebound experiment? Was this how his little white picket fence dream came to an end? How was he going to deal with all of this?

Before he could properly freak out, Edward had told him not to worry, since he wasn’t even sure Étienne had ever even felt that way about him then and that there was little chances he felt that way about him now, especially since, y’know, he was with Calvin and all that.

It had – reassured Calvin. For like, a minute. He’d been very appreciative that Edward had been honest with him. In his own way. At least he knew. And, well, Étienne was a cool guy, so like, Calvin could understand. Especially given the fact that once upon a time Edward and Étienne had been – their own version of a Thing. So, he got it. Really. And Edward had told him not to worry.

So, he did his utmost best Not to Worry.

If he’d believed that that was the end of it, the proverbial joke really was on him. Because, obviously, it got better.

He was not sure if it had been his idea to invite Étienne over, but Étienne had come over during the summer to visit. It had been nice, really, to spend time with Étienne and the others. It had been quite fine, if he’d said so himself. It had been great until Edward had returned from a walk with Étienne and there was something about them. Something so completely different that the strange little coil of fear had returned tenfold.

And then Edward had told him. About what had happened during the walk. (Well, okay, not everything, but the big lines.) How they had somehow both realised they still had feelings for one another. And how those feelings had existed back then as well. And how they had managed to talk about it and admit to it. And how they were going to give it a shot.

Calvin had not freaked out. No siree Bob he had not. He’d been cool as a cucumber. Edward had told him in the same breath that he also planned on continuing his relationship with him. Because that was a thing that was possible in the twenty-first century. Yup. He’d been fine with it. Best boyfriend ever award right then and there.

(Okay, he’d freaked out about it in private afterwards. Like, at least fourteen times. But that was between him and the comfort of his four walls. Plus, it was a good way to process these feelings instead of bottling everything inside.)

But he’d been very cool about it with Edward. Edward had reassured him he still cared about him. Calvin believed him and it had been fine. Peachy. Really great.

(That ugly thing inside reminded him that Étienne lived miles and miles away, and so, he had the greater advantage here. He could see Edward whenever he damned pleased. The Eastern bastard could pine from afar, while he got to wine and dine Edward. He and Edward had a long history together. They were close. They were friends and they always had each other’s backs. They had history. Insides. Private little jokes.)

(But then the sensible part of him also reminded him that Étienne was a good guy. He was cool even. And Edward and Étienne also had their own long history. They’d been friends before he’d even taken a first breath. They had different insides and different private jokes. A whole goddamned past together. Oh God, Edward was going to replace him with Étienne and it would be over for him, who was he even trying to kid?)

But, he had the upper hand. He lived closer. So there. Calvin: 1, Eastern Bastard: 0.

He wasn’t being petty.

He was being very grown up and mature about the whole my-boyfriend-has-another-boyfriend-thing. Many other people would have not been this cool about it.

Hence, the award.

Because, on top of being cool about the situation, Calvin also liked to believe that even though he had complicated feelings about their arrangement, he also imagined that it must suck living so far away from one’s boyfriend. If the roles were reversed, he would hate it. So, when he wasn’t having his complicated feelings, he took the noble and gallant approach (so that he could be the best boyfriend ever, but that was neither here nor there.)

Therefore, when Étienne came to visit Edward, Calvin often made it a point to show up a few days later to give them space to reconnect.

By the time he would show up, Étienne and Edward were already re-settled around each other and it would only trigger that ugly thing inside of him all over again. (Sometimes, Calvin just couldn’t win.)

It was in all the little ways Étienne and Edward were around each other that served as hundreds of little knives that stabbed at all his insecurities.

Étienne was a handsy fellow. Calvin knew that. But there was something different when he saw Étienne curled up around Edward on the sofa. How at ease they both looked. Or when Étienne would drape himself over Edward’s shoulders in the early mornings and Edward would lean back ever so, a soft smile on his face while Étienne furrowed his face in the crook of Edward’s neck. Or how it seemed that Étienne was always seeking a point of contact with Edward – and Edward let him. The morning hugs. The lingering kisses. (He’d walked in on so many of those instances. So many lingering hugs and deep kisses had been interrupted because of him and he’d always felt bad. Now he made it a point to whistle as he approached the kitchen, or the living room and it made things a little less awkward. There were still times when his heart would clench when he’d walk into the living room and find Étienne sprawled over Edward, while Edward played with his hair, or if Edward was happily nestled by Étienne’s side, a reminder that he was a spare boyfriend and currently unnecessary.)

Then, there was the way Étienne always seemed to be able to make Edward laugh. Either with his comments, his anecdotes or something he’d do intentionally for Edward’s amusement. It felt at times as though Calvin could never be on the same level. (Deep down, he knew he was wrong, but there were always those moments when it didn’t feel like that.)

He also spotted the looks Edward would give Étienne; from fond exasperation to very much in love. He knew Edward too well not to know what his looks meant, and he wondered if his own boyfriend ever looked at him like that. (And then there was the way Étienne looked at Edward. It was all soft and besotted, as if Edward had hung the moon for him. Calvin tried not to think of those looks too much. He knew those looks. He knew he gave Edward those same damned looks. But he was supposed to be beyond this, so he fought through the ugly thing inside of him and did his best to smile and move on.)

It didn’t always work, for there were times, even, when it felt as though Étienne could get away with murder under Edward’s watch. Edward let Étienne do things that Calvin couldn’t even think about without Edward being on his case about it. And – that was just being mean and cruel and very unfair, for it seemed as though Étienne’s relationship with Edward was more special than his own. (It had taken him decades before Edward had let him use one of his fancy teacups, whilst Étienne had been given access to them from nearly day one.)

How was he supposed to compete with decades of intense friendship? How was he meant to cope with the fact that Étienne had been Edward’s escapism? Where did he rank when Étienne had offered him the world when Edward’s own family had treated him like garbage?

What the heck was Edward doing with him, when Étienne was mature and more experienced in so many different ways?

He wished it was only about the looks and the touches and the special permissions and the long history, but there was even more than that.

It was how for the first day or so, Calvin couldn’t bring himself to go back to Edward’s room. It wasn’t that Étienne was also sharing it, (see, he was such a good boyfriend that they always got back to the point where they could all share Edward’s bedroom without him having complicated feelings about it), but it always felt too intimate to simply waltz in it right away.

(And, sure, every time Étienne would immediately tell him he could return to the guestroom when Calvin showed up, but Calvin would politely decline even if that ugly part of him screamed to jump on the occasion and reclaim what was his. They’d awkwardly squabble over it for a moment, because deep down, both of them wanted to stay with Edward and both of them were trying to be polite about the ordeal.)

It was a toss up on who abdicated first.

When Étienne got to stay longer, Calvin was left alone with his thoughts in the guest room, trying very hard not to imagine what could or could not be happening in Edward’s room. He did his best not to let his imagination run with potential ideas, but there had been times when reality did it for him.

Like, that time when he’d heard breathless laughter coming from Edward’s room.

That other time when he’d heard a raspy little moan that had to come from Étienne.

Or, even, that one late night when he’d gone to use the bathroom and had very nearly walked into Étienne who’d been coming back from the kitchen, dishevelled as all else with what had clearly been Edward’s boxer briefs hastily thrown on.

And that other morning when Edward had looked so utterly pleased and satisfied – a look he knew quite well – with a smattering of hickeys on his neck that he’d failed to attempt to hide.

In those moments, Calvin wondered why Edward kept him around.

It was a hard pill to swallow, but why did Edward need him, when he had Étienne? Was he just a close commodity to have at hand when he got lonely? Was Edward stringing him along? They’d talked about this, sure, but what if Edward had changed his mind?

Étienne was someone. Étienne was funny. Étienne made things looks easy and he carried himself as though he did not have a care in the world. Heck, Étienne did what he wanted and did not care for the repercussions. He lived life according to what pleased him. Étienne was suave and sophisticated. God, even now Étienne was an aspiration.

And –

And, okay. Calvin also knew that there was more to Étienne M Maisonneuve. Countless brunch dates with the others had given him further insight into the man. Étienne was a complicated person just like they all were, but despite all that, there were still times when Calvin felt utterly inadequate around him, as if he was still some petulant, spoiled child.

Which was why, despite being the best boyfriend ever for having such an open mind about the fact that Edward loved them both (and not in a you’re better than the other way) in equal ways, Calvin sometimes found it difficult.

Damn it, he was allowed to find it difficult at times.

And mope about it.

Just – not in Edward’s face.

He didn’t want to worry Edward. Or have Edward think that he wasn’t on board. Because he was! He really, really was. He wanted Edward to be happy. If he made Edward happy then he was winning. If it meant that Étienne also made Edward happy then that was fine! More than fine, even. Because, Étienne wasn’t a monster. So, it was fine.

So, Calvin sighed and stared up at the ceiling in the guestroom where he’d currently been taking up residence in.

He’d arrived two days ago. Étienne had already been here for four.

He’d been having more complicated feelings than usual. He’d been ruminating, really. He didn’t want to be ruminating. But he was. Because, maybe, he wasn’t as great of a boyfriend as he thought he was.

He was brought out of his thoughts from a knock on the guestroom door. For a brief moment, he thought maybe it was Edward, come to tell him that he was the love of his life (not that Edward would ever say that, but dreaming was still free), but instead it turned out to be Étienne.

“Mind if I come in? Ed said he left a sweater of mine in the dresser.”

Calvin made a noncommittal gesture that Étienne interpreted as a yes and Calvin watched him as he made his way in the room and to the dresser.

Étienne retrieved the aforementioned sweater and was about to head back, when he paused by the door. Calvin should have made the effort to look busy instead of feeling sorry for himself, but it was too late, there was now a frown on Étienne’s face and he was looking at him.

“You can tell me to fuck off if you want, but are you okay? You seem – out of it.”

Calvin didn’t want to burden Étienne with his complicated thoughts and wanted even less for him to think that he wasn’t cool with him dating Edward so he kept his mouth shut about all of that. “I’m fine, don’t worry about it.” Even though it was a big fat lie and from the looks of it, Étienne knew he was telling him a big fat lie.

Étienne put the sweater on top of the dresser and walked back towards the bed. “Mind if I sit?” Again, Calvin shrugged, but he didn’t make an effort to move over. Étienne didn’t seem to mind and perched himself on the edge of the bed.

“Is this another one of your killer migraines? Should I get Ed? Do you need anything? Gogurt, maybe?” There was a genuine tone of worry in Étienne’s voice and the very last thing Calvin wanted was for Étienne to get their communal boyfriend.

“No – it’s fine. Just – overthinking. Don’t get Ed.” He blurted, sitting up, his arms suddenly animating on their own and reaching out for Étienne to stop him from doing any of those things.

“Ah, I know a thing or two about those,” He said with a small chuckle. “Care to share? We can commiserate together.”

There was no way he was going to tell Étienne. It would just give him an advantage, really. Plus, then Étienne could goad it over his head and remind him that he was the superior boyfriend, or some such. Therefore, he stayed quiet hoping Étienne would leave him alone.

“You should come back to the living room with us. Edward misses you.”

It came out before he could stop himself, “Why would he? He has you.” Calvin groaned and looked away from Étienne. Way to be cool and beyond this and all that.

Étienne had the decency of laughing and Calvin wanted to punch him in the face. He very nearly did, until he realised that doing so would not win him any favours with Edward.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh – or, I wasn’t laughing at you,” Étienne was quick to reassure him even if Calvin wasn’t entirely convinced. “It’s just – I feel like I’ve had very similar thoughts to what you just said and Edward had the gall to tell me that we were both similar in our thoughts. I didn’t believe him at first, but now I think he was right.”

There were a myriad of things Calvin wanted to say, but the words died at the back of his throat. Anyways, he found it very hard to believe that Étienne felt remotely the same about their current situation. Étienne was an open-minded person who had sex for fun. Surely, he wouldn’t have hang ups about his boyfriend having another boyfriend. That was a problem for idiots like him.

“Are you also contemplating the intricate patterns of the ceiling then?” Calvin meant to sound annoyed and sarcastic, but Étienne just nodded and laughed.

“You have no idea how many times I’ve contemplated those patterns.” Étienne had the decency to manhandle his body so that he could properly sit besides him and Calvin wanted to squawk about it, but found that he didn’t really care. For the first time, he was starting to believe that maybe – just maybe, Étienne was really on the same page as him and that maybe, just maybe, this would be okay.

“Listen, I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s okay if sometimes you get a little insecure about all of this. It just means you’re normal. God knows I do… it’s like – one thing having Ed tell you it’s going to be okay, but another when you see the guy you love making out with his other boyfriend or something. It messes with your head on some level.” Étienne told him softly, placing what he supposed was meant to be a comforting hand to his calf.

Calvin pondered that for a moment, fiddling with his fingers, completely fascinated by them all of a sudden. The thing was, he wasn’t supposed to feel this way. He was supposed to be the Good Boyfriend who was Fine with This. And – more often than not, he was! He truly was! Just… sometimes… sometimes, like Étienne had just said, it messed with his head on some level, and to hear Étienne admit to it calmed him somewhat.

“I wish it wasn’t so complicated though; how do you do it?” He spared Étienne a glance, afraid the other would be judging him, but instead, a tranquil expression of calm was on his face.

“You mean, other than have a couple of existential crises and second guess when the other shoe is going to drop?”

Calvin nodded, waiting for him to go on.

“Well, for starters, Edward usually finds me and knocks some sense into me. But, if he doesn’t happen to be around, I tell myself that I’m going to trust that Ed isn’t out to shatter our fragile little hearts and that if he says he genuinely wants to be with both of us, then that’s okay with me.”

Calvin let the words sink in and ruminated them over. Edward had told him a similar thing before as well. He opened his mouth to ask something, but then closed it, embarrassed, before opening it again and tried to find the right words to the burning question that the ugly thing inside of him kept feeding on. Étienne patiently waited, rubbing soothing circles on his shin and the point of contact was nice. He wasn’t sure why Étienne was being so nice to him, but he wasn’t about to complain.

“Do you ever wonder…” He finally started to ask, letting him trust that Étienne wasn’t going to mock him for his little insecurity. “If things would have worked out… between you and Edward if…”He tried to piece his words together but found himself grasping at straws, trying to put his complicated thought into actual words.

“If one of us had said something back then? Or reached out over the many years?” Calvin nodded and Étienne sighed. “Yeah. More often than I’d like to admit, but… it’s in the past. There’s no way we can know how it would have played out. It’s time to move on and embrace this crazy chance we got now. If Ed’s happy, then I’m happy and I’ll do my best not to look too much into it. I think we’re better off if we just roll with it and see where it brings us.”

Calvin nodded. He also wondered if it would sting less if it had been anyone else than Étienne. Someone with less history, but then, it wouldn’t be the same. And even though there were still these moments of doubt, he was still, deep down, glad that it was Étienne, for he was, after all, a good guy.

And so, in his attempt to be a good boyfriend, Calvin would keep trying. He supposed that was all he could really do and that it was already much better than nothing. At least, knowing that he wasn’t completely alone in this helped. He looked over at Étienne and gave him a thankful smile.

FIN

#pc: calgary #pc: montreal #calvin brisebois LOL #pc: gary #étienne maisonneuve #fic #projocanondoko

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