#he feels deep attachment and friendship but struggles to understand romance and it takes him forever to become comfortable with someone

[kikaichuno]

"I can't do that. Why? Because if I do, it will never happen. I need to reflect on my emotions to understand. Is it possible to feel this type of attachment for two people at once?"

A pause and then a little smile crossed her face. Watching him be confused...it was endearing.

"You know...why don't you just let it come to you? Instead of thinking yourself into a hole, just...breathe and if it happens, then it happens. Sometimes the best things in life happen by accident."

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

Self-love in the Loki series

If there's something the director, writers and actors of the show have repeated over and over again in the interviews once the show was over is that the series was about self-love. Everything in it, the friendships, the romance, it all boiled down to one thing: Loki will learn to love himself.

So, I wonder... what is self-love? Since I'm not an expert I thought I'd consult those who know more about this than you and me. I found two really good sources, you can check them here (x) and here (x).

Now, first thing we need to define self-love:

Self-love is basically an appreciation for oneself. But I can almost hear those who say "but, isn't that a little too narcissistic?". After all, Loki is called just that several times during the show (odd that he's the ultimate narcissist for loving a variant of himself but the variant isn't called that in return).

So, in order to better understand the difference between self-love and narcissism just read:

After reading that you still think Loki is a narcissist? He has certainly showed some traits now and then, but not in the show. His attire is always the same (shirt and tie), he doesn't compare himself to anyone in fact after Mobius' session (more on that shortly, by the way) he's entirely submissive to the point of allowing Mobius and Sylvie dictate what his next steps must be - and he follows them blindly.

He throws a jab here and there ("you're idiots, I'm sure you missed a lot", "those you underestimate will devour you", etc) but when it really comes to it he still makes himself useful to those around him just to find some form of validation.

What's ironic about it is that, when the expert is talking about self-love, they cite it as a positive action to "take pride in your performance and achievements". If there's something I've read time and time again about Loki is that he's too proud and so he needs to humble himself (usually that includes emotional manipulation and humiliation) - but you see, pride isn't a bad thing. Taken to a extreme? Sure. But not only it isn't harmful, it is needed.

Let's talk about Loki's relationship with Sylvie, another beacon of self-love if the director and writers are to be believed. This is what one expert has to say about romantic pairings and self-love:

Turns out that no, a new relationship can't make you love yourself more. After all, your beloved is another person, another self disconnected from you, and so any love you might feel for them does not translate into affection for yourself.

So if that new relationship with Sylvie isn't about self-love what is it about? Worry not, there's a term for it: it's codependency.

This is something many scapegoats suffer from, and we all know Loki is one. You can't find, understand and cherish the attributes and the things that make you who you are by putting all the focus, the love and the affection onto someone else. All that effort should be aimed at yourself, at the end of the day you're just passing the time thinking about someone else and not you - and that, like the expert says, is a total absence of self-love.

The pyramid of SLDD explains this as well:

The first step is Attachment Trauma. Loki might have been taken as a baby but he wasn't treated equally to his brother. Living in his shadow he struggled with feelings of inadequacy, knowing deep down he was different but not understanding why, growing accustomed to being ignored, taken for granted, or disregarded. In one word: the scapegoat.

The second step is Core Shame. That distorted version of himself where he doesn't quite know who he is and so he looks for validation from those around him while they take advantage of him, not showing unconditional love but only providing affection as long as he's useful to them.

The third step is pathological loneliness. It was never shown explicitly in the movies but Loki didn't seem to have many friends on Asgard, which forced him to stay alone and leaving him with the idea that if no one would stay by his side it would probably mean there was something wrong with him. This was made worse by Thor's popularity.

The fourth step is SLDD Addiction. Loki probably never quite realized he was living in a textbook narcissistic family unit but he always longed for their validation as their approval was not only important but essential to his self-worth: he needed them to see the good in him and when they didn't he felt that good wasn't there.

And the last step is codependency. That need for validation makes Loki cling to Mobius and Sylvie and forget the derogatory comments, the insults, the physical and emotional abuse they put him through because every now and then they show the slightest bit of interest in him.

Now, self-compassion is necessary in Loki's case, and especially in a show that is supposedly about growth, change and improvement. Research on self-compassion discovered 3 main components: Self-kindness, Common humanity and Mindfulness:

One of the things I've read constantly from the creators of the series is that Loki talking negatively about himself is a sign of growth. However as the experts will have it, that's a lie.

Self-kindness requires you to stop criticizing and castigating yourself, mindfulness allows us to become aware of our negative self-talk. Both these things mean that having Loki kneeling on the floor begging and asking Sif to stop is not him growing nor improving - he's in pain.

Which takes us to Mobius' so-called "therapy" session. If this series was truly about healing they did a terrible job of it - and in the first episode no less. Ever wondered what a good session would be like?

Point 1 would aim directly at Loki's heart, not to break it but to open it. Mobius could have shown a picture of Frigga where she's smiling and happy and asked Loki about her. Make him talk about someone he loves deeply and move on from that.

Point 2 would go straight into the NYC invasion and ask the question why: why Loki wanted a throne, why does he need to rule, why does his self-worth need that. Go inwards, try to find and articulate those feelings - not so you can mock them but so Loki can understand them. Also, a great time to mention Thanos, the influence of the Mind Stone, etc.

Point 3 would be a flashback to Loki's childhood. Going back to the past would help define his insecurities, his feeling of unworthiness, his SLDD, etc

Point 4 would address Loki's negative self-talk but not the way it is shown in the series (to bring him down, to humiliate him, to show he's "growing"). It would be linked somewhat to #3 but focused on helping him recognize that self-criticism and identifying where it comes from. Now it would be a great moment to talk about Jotunheim and Odin's indoctrination.

And point 5 would end with Loki learning to treat himself better, with mechanisms to set healthy boundaries, recognize his mistreatment by others, and understanding his origins - and of course letting go of the codependency. This all would instantly remove his codependent "friendship" with Mobius and his codependent romantic relationship with Sylvie.

But, what happened in Mobius' session? The exact opposite.

He showed footage of Frigga, yes, when she was murdered and bleeding on the floor. He showed footage of NYC only to instill pain on Loki (this is different from making him face what he has done, I'm good with that part which is at the beginning not when he shows him the Avengers so he can tell him he was born to cause death and suffering and so that others can achieve the best version of themselves), he lied and told him he had killed his mother, he never tried to transform Loki's past suffering, he never showed compassion and did nothing about Loki's negative self-image - if anything he assisted in making it worse.

So with all this evidence coming from experts, coming straight from psychology and therapy, we can conclude that not only the series is not about self-love, growth and healing. It's about humiliation and aimed at having Loki at its lowest, kneeling and drowned in self-loathing. And the worst part is that they tried to sell that as therapeutic.

[stainofred]

Lgbt anime I highly recommend

Part one

A list of anime for fans who are tired of fetishized “representation” meant for straight people to gawk at enjoy!

This list includes exclusively LGBT series and series with canon LGBT characters

Banana Fish (2018)

“Aslan Jade Callenreese, known as Ash Lynx, was a runaway picked off the streets of New York City and raised by the infamous godfather of the mafia, Dino Golzine. Now 17 years old and the boss of his own gang, Ash gets his hands on a mysterious drug called "Banana Fish"—the same two words his older brother, Griffin, has muttered since his return from the Iraq War. However, his investigation is hindered when Dino sends his men to retrieve the drug from Ash at an underground bar he uses as a hideout.

At the bar, Skip, Ash's friend, introduces him to Shunichi Ibe and his assistant, Eiji Okumura, who are Japanese photographers reporting on American street gangs. However, their conversation is interrupted when Shorter Wong, one of Ash's allies, calls to warn him about Dino. Soon, Dino's men storm the bar, and in the ensuing chaos kidnap Skip and Eiji. Now, Ash must find a way to rescue them and continue his investigation into Banana Fish, but will his history with the mafia prevent him from succeeding?”

Given (2019)

"It's stuck deep inside me and I can't get it out of my head. Mafuyu's voice is an insane and dangerous weapon."

That day, Ritsuka Uenoyama started to feel that playing the guitar and playing basketball, both of which he liked very much, were becoming boring. He then encounters Mafuyu Sato, who's holding onto a broken guitar, and decides to fix it. The moment Uenoyama finishes fixing the guitar, Mafuyu becomes completely attached to him. However, after hearing Mafuyu sing it leaves a deep impression on him.”

puella magi madoka magica (2011)

“Madoka Kaname and Sayaka Miki are regular middle school girls with regular lives, but all that changes when they encounter Kyuubey, a cat-like magical familiar, and Homura Akemi, the new transfer student.

Kyuubey offers them a proposition: he will grant any one of their wishes and in exchange, they will each become a magical girl, gaining enough power to fulfill their dreams. However, Homura Akemi, a magical girl herself, urges them not to accept the offer, stating that everything is not what it seems.

A story of hope, despair, and friendship, Mahou Shoujo Madoka★Magica deals with the difficulties of being a magical girl and the price one has to pay to make a dream come true.”

wandering son (2011)

“Effeminate fifth grader Shuuichi Nitori is considered by most to be one of the prettiest girls in school, but much to her dismay, she is actually biologically male. Fortunately, Shuuichi has a childhood friend who has similar feelings of discomfort related to gender identity: the lanky tomboy Yoshino Takatsuki, who, though biologically female, does not identify as a girl. These two friends share a similar secret and find solace in one another; however, their lives become even more complicated when they must tread the unfamiliar waters of a new school, attempt to make new friends, and struggle to maintain old ones. Faced with nearly insurmountable odds, they must learn to deal with the harsh realities of growing up, transexuality, relationships, and acceptance.

Lauded as a decidedly serious take on gender identity and LGBT struggles, Takako Shimura's Hourou Musuko is about Shuuichi and Yoshino's attempts to discover their true selves as they enter puberty, make friends, fall in love, and face some very real and difficult choices.”

Doukyuusei (movie 2016)

“Rihito Sajou is an honor student who got perfect scores in every subject on his high school entrance exam. Hikaru Kusakabe plays guitar in his band that performs at live events and is popular among the girls. These boys would have never crossed paths. But one day Hikaru offers to help Rihito prepare for their upcoming chorus festival and the two begin to talk. As the two meet after school, they feel one another's sound, listen to each other's voice, and begin to harmonize as their hearts beat together.

It starts out slow but soon their feelings for one another grow and in just one moment they both realize that it is love. Hikaru's emotions are frivolous, pure, and direct causing Rihito to hesitate at first, but he gradually opens his heart. The boys are learning about each other as they also learn about themselves and support one another during this difficult time typical to youth. As the time to start thinking about their futures approaches, what do these young men find as they try to move forward...”

sweet blue flowers (2009)

“Fumi Manjoume, an introverted, bookish teenage girl, is beginning her first year of high school at Matsuoka Girls' High School. She enters the school year with her heart broken by a previous relationship. At about the same time, she reconnects with her best friend from ten years ago, Akira Okudaira, who is now attending Fujigatani Girls' Academy as a first-year high school student. As they reconnect, they both deal with their own respective romantic problems, and help each other get through them.”

cardcaptor sakura (1998)

“Sakura Kinomoto is your garden-variety ten-year-old fourth grader, until one day, she stumbles upon a mysterious book containing a set of cards. Unfortunately, she has little time to divine what the cards mean because she accidentally stirs up a magical gust of wind and unintentionally scatters the cards all over the world. Suddenly awakened from the book, the Beast of the Seal, Keroberos (nicknamed Kero-chan), tells Sakura that she has released the mystical Clow Cards created by the sorcerer Clow Reed. The Cards are no ordinary playthings. Each of them possesses incredible powers, and because they like acting independently, Clow sealed all the Cards within a book. Now that the Cards are set free, they pose a grave danger upon the world, and it is up to Sakura to prevent the Cards from causing a catastrophe!

Appointing Sakura the title of "the Cardcaptor" and granting her the Sealed Key, Keroberos tasks her with finding and recapturing all the Cards. Alongside her best friend Tomoyo Daidouji, and with Kero-chan's guidance, Sakura must learn to balance her new secret duty with the everyday troubles of a young girl involving love, family, and school, all while she takes flight on her magical adventures as Sakura the Cardcaptor.”

Tanaka-kun is always listless (2016)

“For high school student Tanaka, the act of being listless is a way of life. Known for his inattentiveness and ability to fall asleep anywhere, Tanaka prays that each day will be as uneventful as the last, seeking to preserve his lazy lifestyle however he can by avoiding situations that require him to exert himself. Along with his dependable friend Oota who helps him with tasks he is unable to accomplish, the lethargic teenager constantly deals with events that prevent him from experiencing the quiet and peaceful days he longs for.”

bloom into you (2018)

“Yuu Koito has always been entranced with romantic shoujo manga and the lyrics of love songs. She patiently waits for the wings of love to sprout and send her heart aflutter on the day that she finally receives a confession. Yet, when her classmate from junior high declares his love for her during their graduation, she feels unexpectedly hollow. The realization hits her: she understands romance as a concept, but she is incapable of experiencing the feeling first-hand.

Now, having enrolled in high school, Yuu, disconcerted and dispirited, is still ruminating over how to respond to her suitor. There, she happens upon the seemingly flawless student council president, Touko Nanami, maturely rejecting a confession of her own. Stirred by Touko's elegant manner, Yuu approaches her for advice, only to be bewildered when the president confesses to her! Yuu quickly finds herself in the palm of Touko's hand, and unknowingly sets herself on a path to find the emotion which has long eluded her.”

No.6 (2011)

“Many years ago, after the end of a bloody world war, mankind took shelter in six city-states that were peaceful and perfect... at least on the surface. However, Shion—an elite resident of the city-state No. 6—gained a new perspective on the world he lives in, thanks to a chance encounter with a mysterious boy, Nezumi. Nezumi turned out to be just one of many who lived in the desolate wasteland beyond the walls of the supposed utopia. But despite knowing that the other boy was a fugitive, Shion decided to take him in for the night and protect him, which resulted in drastic consequences: because of his actions, Shion and his mother lost their status as elites and were relocated elsewhere, and the darker side of the city began to make itself known.

Now, a long time after their life-altering first meeting, Shion and Nezumi are finally brought together once again—the former elite and the boy on the run are about to embark on an adventure that will, in time, reveal the shattering secrets of No. 6.”

[missskzbiased]

Discovery Channel Curiosities

Genre: Fluff, Romance, Oneshot, High School Au, Friends To Lovers Au, Drabble (Kind of lol)

Pairing: Han Jisung X GN! Reader  

(I think I didn’t mention anything, If I slipped up, please notify me) 

Word Count: ~1,5K

Notes: That’s my first actual fluff non suggestive fic lol It was intended to be a drabble but I think I can’t call it this because it has more than 1K words? Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. Any feedback is welcomed! <3

                                                   /////

     My favorite animal? Well, it would have to be a Squirrel.  

     That was the silly statement that sealed your friendship back in High School.

     You could still remember how Jisung pointed out to the seat right in front of you, hands shaking and eyes as wide as saucers, asking if he could sit down. He was a new student back then, and only God knows how he had the courage to ask you this, considering all his shyness. You nodded, not really paying attention to him as your eyes were glued on the biology book in your hands; too focused on finding the answers for the assignment you would have to be putting on your teacher’s desk in about twenty minutes.

     Honestly, who the hell would care about Malpighian tubules?

     At that time, you couldn’t know he wanted to be a biologist and happened to care very much about animals in general, including the ones that had Malpighian tubules.

     You would always be grateful for the crowded refectory that didn’t give him much choice but sit with you that day.

     He glanced at you before clearing his throat, watching as you frowned, struggling to understand what the hell was the point of those.

     Hm… Is it the biology assignment? He asked, and you raised your eyes to meet his, annoyed at the useless interruption.

     You couldn’t stay annoyed even if you wanted to, though.

     You almost pouted at how cute he was, round cheeks stocking his food as he covered his mouth with his hand to speak to you, gulping down so he could help you out; his eyes sparkled as he told you what he knew about the subject while you furiously wrote everything down on your notebook.

     Thankfully, when the bell rang, your assignment was done, and both of you walked along to your classes, an awkward small talk testing the waters for your newfound friendship. You couldn’t help but laugh when you asked how he knew all of it and he shrugged.

     Discovery Channel, He answered, laughing.

     The next silly question was what made your heart swell, though.

     What’s your favorite animal? You asked, watching as he stuffed his mouth with air and stuck his teeth out, biting his lips as he pretended to be a rodent, gnawing into nothing, before answering you with a bright smile. You never really paid much attention to animals before but since that day you were strangely attached to Squirrels… Funnily enough, your favorite one happened to be human-sized.

     You were brought back to reality by a soft flick on your forehead.

     You focused your eyes on him, startled, feeling yourself blush as you looked at his face, inches away from yours. His thumb brushed the corner of your lips, pretending to wipe away some inexistent drool before his eyes glinted full of mischievousness.

     “Lost yourself in my eyes, Honey?” He teased, eyebrows wiggling suggestively, eyes molded into crescents as a wholeheartedly laugh left his lips. You pushed him lightly, which served only to fuel his laugher, and you rolled your eyes before stuffing his mouth with half of your sandwich.

    “Shut up” You whined, pouting as he munched the sandwich cutely, stuffing his cheeks, both hands holding the food to his mouth “I just… I don’t know, I’ll miss this” You confessed, gesturing to both of you.

    “We’re not going to die” He chuckled “If we don’t get to the same Uni, We can just call each other every day” He shrugged, gulping down the last bite of your sandwich “You just need to say the word and I’ll be there” He looked into your eyes, and you had to hold back a gasp.

    Big round eyes were staring at you, and their darkness must have some kind of magnetic effect on you, pulling all your attention to them and all those thousand stars that seemed to live there. You stared back a little bit too long for it to be strictly friendly, so you cleared your throat awkwardly before averting your eyes, focusing on the picnic basket that rested in front of you two, pretending to look for something to eat.

     “Oh, look!” He chirped, pointing ahead. You followed his finger to see two squirrels running around, playing with each other before collecting a nut they found. You tried to suppress your giggles before looking at him, a teasing glint on your eyes, forgetting the awkwardness from moments ago.

     “They look like you” You joked, and he stuck his tongue out for you, narrowing his eyes mockingly before resuming to watch the two little creatures.

     You peeked at him while picking up a nut on the basket.

     He seemed nervous, kinda stiff as he shifted his weigh, biting his lips as if he was wondering about something really important, totally lost inside his mind.

     You bumped your shoulder on him, looking at him questioningly.

     “Everything fine?” You tilted your head, trying to take a better look at him, and you could swear he blushed under your gaze; eyes wavering to meet yours “Lost yourself in my eyes, Honey?” You mocked, and he choked, coughing to recompose himself.

     “You need help with this?” He asked high pitched, pointing to the nut on your hands. You nodded, handing it to him. He searched for another nut inside the basket and adjusted it on his palm, closing his hand and gripping it tightly until they cracked.

     “A squirrel indeed” You joked, and this time he chuckled at your attempt to lighten the mood. He watched the broken nut on his palm, resting the whole one aside and peeling it off for you. You watched as he licked his lips, deep in thought.

     “Did you know Squirrels give half of their nuts for the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with?” He asked out of nowhere, another Discovery Channel’s curiosity, you assumed. You extended your hand, palm up, waiting for your food.

     “Really?” You mused “Never heard of it” You admitted, and he gave you half of the nut, eating the other half.

     “Nah, I made it up” He chuckled, and you laughed at him, nudging him with your shoulder “But I meant it” He muttered under his breath, and this time it was impossible not to notice the pink dusting his cheeks, his expectant eyes meeting yours as he lowered his head shyly.

     You looked at him astonished.

     You coughed, averting your eyes, lowering your head in utter embarrassment. You were sure that somehow you ate tons of butterflies at some point in your picnic because you could clearly feel them fluttering in your stomach. You felt your heart race and your face burn, slowly drowning in the bliss running inside you.

     He cleared his throat, uneasy.

     “I mean— You don’t need to answer it! Actually, You can just pretend you didn’t even hear“ He floundered, missing the soft cracking sound in your hands. Your arm shot up; fist in the air right in front of his nose, startling him “W-What is it?” He stuttered, surprised, and you lowered your head even more, shutting your eyes.

     “Y-Your hand” You muttered and he put his palm up just like you did before, utterly confused “I’m giving you half of my nut” You mumbled, peeking at him when you dropped the tiny piece in his hands, blushing violently when he widened his eyes, mouth agape.

     He beamed, laughing wholeheartedly as he threw himself on you, making you stumble and fall onto your back, his arms wrapped around you. You giggled, relief washing over you as you realized he really reciprocated your feelings, nudging into his arms to fully enjoy this moment. He let go of your waist, arms moving to brace himself, resting on each side of your head and allowing him to lean back for a bit to meet your eyes.

     “I also heard they gift their partners to seal the deal” He joked, shifting his weight to one arm so he could grope through his pockets “I know you hate rings, so…” He trailed off, hand hovering in the air as he let something fall, a thin neckless unraveling, hanging in his fingers. You watched as it bounced, the tiny pendant getting your attention.

     You burst out laughing.

     “Half a nut?” You asked amused, giggling. He smiled sheepishly and you smiled back to him, fondly, looking deep into his eyes, heart at ease “Hm… I don’t have a gift for you” You mused, wavering your eyes as if you were in deep thought before a sly grin made its way to your face “I guess that’s all I can give you right now” You took his face in your hands, pulling him closer to leave a soft kiss on his lips.

     He blushed profusely, fighting back a smile.

     “Oh, I don’t think that’s enough to pay me back” He sighed mockingly, leaning closer to you, lips meeting yours again, this time you tilted your head a little, molding your lips to his. It was gentle and loving, and you melted into the kiss. A satisfied sigh left your lips when you broke apart, smiling at each other “I heard you need at least three kisses to pay for half a nut” He joked, and you laughed again.

     “Discovery Channel has been teaching you some weird stuff, Hm?” You mocked before connecting your lips again.

[luna-tiel]

What Entrapdak Means to Me

On the eve of Entrapdak Positivity Month, I thought it was as good a time as any to share my rambling thoughts on a ship that’s affected me in a way I didn’t think was possible. 

Entrapdak is the first ship I have ever been invested in. It’s such a new experience for me that it’s taken me the last few months to wrap my head around the whole thing. I may relate to the characters in a show, but when they form romantic attachments I view it with a degree of passive distance. I don’t understand what it’s like to have those sorts of feelings for someone (I am aromantic and ace as a brick), and, well, I’m honestly not curious enough to give the subject a thorough study. My mind tends to fixate on other things. 

What does this have to do with Entrapdak, you ask? Long story short for people who don’t want to read my meandering essay -- I relate a lot to these characters, and the way they bonded together struck a deep chord in me that I can’t ignore. 

Let’s start with the characters. I knew going in that Entrapta was neurodivergent-coded, but I took it with a grain of salt. When I actually watched the show, however, I found myself relating to her so deeply it shocked me. Never have I felt such a kinship with a fictional character! We don’t share every trait, but it was still like seeing my brain put to life on screen. I related to her enthusiasm over her special interests, her struggles to fit in, her desire to make friends who accept and understand her for who she is. 

The fact Entrapta is completely herself is something I love about her. Over the years of growing up undiagnosed, I developed a lot of masking strategies. Human psychology is one of my special interests, and even with all that accumulated knowledge, masking isn’t easy. It’s extremely mentally taxing. Masking can certainly look easy -- I can, when I have the drive and energy, “pass” as neurotypical, and only people who know me extremely well can tell I’m dying inside. All that effort is taken for granted by a lot of NTs because that’s how people are “supposed to” act, and surely I can “do the bare minimum.” The accumulated stress of near constant masking has led me to the darkest moments I’ve had in my life.

Entrapta’s struggle with leaving Beast Island hit me hard. It threw me back to a time when my feelings of isolation and worthlessness got so bad that I lost the energy to do anything, even the creative pursuits that were the obsession of my life. I retreated so deeply into my inner world that I hardly interacted with anyone. That total apathy shocked my family into getting me professional help, which gave me my autism diagnosis, the coping skills to move forward, and a good start on the road to self-acceptance. It also opened a channel between my family and I, allowing me to feel heard and understood. (An important side note on mental health: if you or someone you love needs professional help, please seek it! Sometimes you have to try out several therapists -- it took me three to find a good fit -- but you are worth it!)

It took me longer to realize, but I also relate to Hordak in some ways. Mercifully I was not raised in an extremist cult environment. However, I know what it’s like to feel defective next to a sibling that seems perfect. I was constantly being compared to my younger brother, and in all areas but art, he was superior. He was smart, athletic, and above all, he fit in with everyone. I didn’t hate him for this -- I hated myself. Trying to measure up to his standard is what caused me to develop such strong masking strategies. Underneath it all, I felt the despair of knowing my peers would reject me as soon as the mask cracked. I also live with chronic joint pain, starting at around age seven. The jury is still out on what’s causing that (the worst of it was due to a previously unknown food allergy, but the pain still comes and goes, even though it’s a lot more manageable than it used to be). This cocktail of pain, stress, and sensory issues I had to deal with gave me a very short fuse at times. 

As an aside, just because I sympathize with Hordak does not mean I am excusing his actions. He is still going to have to face the consequences of his choices, and work to adjust to life post-Prime. The series end gave him a new beginning, the opportunity to be redeemed, and I prefer this to a rushed redemption arc. 

What I love most about Hordak and Entrapta’s relationship is how they accept each other as they are. Hordak gives Entrapta near free reign of his sanctum, he listens to her when she talks, and he respects her opinions. Even when he pushes her away, he still considers the logic of what she tells him, and sometimes ends up doing things her way despite his initial instincts. This is something I do in my own life; I am easily overwhelmed by new information, so my initial response to an idea/activity is almost always a firm (and sometimes rude) “no,” until I have time to properly process and think about it. Hordak is the first person in Entrapta’s life that truly listens to her. He still has things he needs to work on, but it’s a lot better than how most of the princesses are with Entrapta. The Alliance treats her as someone to be managed -- she is useful, but unreliable. Hordak, in contrast, trusts her to get things done in her own way. 

On the other side, Entrapta is the first person in Hordak’s life to accept him without judgment. Hordak spends so much of his energy putting up a front of strength and intimidation, and Entrapta cuts right through that. She’s not frightened by his appearance, and even his outbursts have little effect on her until the two of them start to bond. Entrapta doesn’t come into their interactions with any preconceived ideas of what Hordak is like, or more importantly, what he should be like. This lack of expectation leaves her completely open to accepting whatever Hordak does and says, and it also relieves Hordak of the burden of needing to put on a front around her. When Entrapta sees him at his most vulnerable, she reaches out to him with compassion, something he has never felt before. Entrapta also does this in a way that doesn’t belittle Hordak. His imperfections are not something to pity, they are a valuable part of who he is. 

I loved watching their friendship develop. Entrapta and Hordak’s shared time together evolved slowly into a bond that gave each of them a sense of belonging they had never experienced before with anyone else. It gave me the hope that, despite what an oddball mess I am, perhaps I could find someone who understands me too. 

When a romance subplot inserts itself into a story, I tend to gloss over and ignore it (if I pick up on it at all). I’m even less interested in sex. Way back when I was first getting into fandom I was so excited to go online and meet fellow fans of the books and shows I liked, only to discover the spaces being dominated by arguments over character pairings. I was baffled. This is what people are most interested in? Oh well… back to the hermit cave I go! 

I was late to the party with SPoP. I’d watched a few episodes, but the show didn’t really hook me. This was partially because all I ever heard people talk about online was Catradora, and if that was the main appeal of the show, I wasn’t sure I would enjoy it (sorry Catradora shippers, romance is not going to entice me to watch a show, even if it’s rep). Quarantine was the ultimate cause for me embracing my curiosity and diving headfirst into SPoP, binging the entire thing a few months before the release of season 5.

I vaguely knew about Entrapdak as a ship going into the show, and I admit, had I not been primed for it, I probably would have missed the romantic potential entirely. In no way did I expect to become invested. I was immediately intrigued by their dynamic, and as they got closer, I found myself thinking “oh, I see why people ship these two.” I didn’t understand this realization until months later. I was relating to the characters, and for the first time in my life, I was relating to their relationship.

I headcanon Entrapta and Hordak as an asexual couple. I’ll elaborate on this at a later time (asexuality is a spectrum with a lot of nuance, and this post is plenty long already), but at the core of it, I find joy in imagining these characters in a loving platonic relationship, something I hope to find myself one day. I hope this love comes across in my artwork and in my fanfictions <3

To those of you that read this far, wow, you must be patient! Have an imaginary cookie! I hope this ramble has provided a decent picture for why I, as an aro ace on the autism spectrum, have come to cherish Hordak and Entrapta’s relationship. It’s my first and only OTP… I’m still in shock thinking about that… I guess we’ll see where things go from here!

Take care of yourselves out there!

[outbythehighwind]

The Misconceptions of FF7: A Cloud, Aerith & Tifa Analysis Part 2/5

Link to all parts: https://outbythehighwind.tumblr.com/post/640347336477966336/the-misconceptions-of-ff7-a-cloud-aerith-tifa

Last post, I examined the misconceptions around Cloud’s character with a brief psychological analysis on how the selves that are “Ex-SOLDIER” Cloud and ‘real’ Cloud pertain to ‘Cloud’ the being. This was to evidence that Cloud’s feelings (as both “Ex-SOLDIER” and his true self) are ��Cloud’s’, and to refute the nonsensical notions that: the player until the Lifestream sequence is not really playing as Cloud; Cloud’s feelings toward Aerith are Zack’s; and only the ‘real’ Cloud’s feelings for Tifa are valid (because “Ex-SOLDIER” Cloud has feelings for Aerith).

I had referred to ‘feelings’ in the general sense. These next two posts will examine them in the specific spheres of friendship and romance.

Nowhere in the game or FF7 compilation does it explicitly state that Cloud romantically “loves” or “is in love with” Aerith or Tifa. FF7 handles its themes in a manner that is incredibly human and complex. So, before attempting an objective analysis of his ‘feelings’ beyond the general sense – ie. what kind of love he has for each woman – I want to draw attention to the role of the player.

The developers want the player to form their own attachments, have the agency to play to them out, and have their own emotions evoked throughout their experience of the game. This is why the love triangle exists within the narrative – narrative being that tool by design (how the story is told; the lens by which the player experiences the game, and the tool by which the writers play with the player’s emotions). The player can, to a degree, make choices that alter story events within the narrative. They can manipulate the affection points to take Aerith or Tifa (or even Yuffie) on the Gold Saucer date. They can keep the relationship with both women platonic and have a bro’s night out with Barret. A player who is torn between the girls can therefore experience ‘more’ of the love triangle than a player who takes the latter route of bonding with Barret.

Which brings me to another nonsensical argument: that because the date mechanics ‘favor’ Aerith (who begins with a 20 affection point advantage over Tifa), the game wants Cloud to date Aerith, and therefore Cloud’s true love is Aerith. Again, nonsense. For this argument to stand, it must first adhere to the fact that the love triangle exists outside of the date mechanics: if the game wants Cloud to date Aerith, it must want Cloud to date Aerith in its plot (the always true relationship between story events that does not alter on player decision). This particular date is only an available option within the narrative. That is not to say it is not canonical – quite the contrary. Of course Aerith’s date is canonical. So is Tifa’s, or Yuffie’s, or Barret’s – if the player so chooses. It is not a plot matter, but an experience for the player.

But let us assume, for a moment, that it were a plot matter. Let us assume Cloud’s ‘romantic love’ is the person he spends the night out with at Gold Saucer. Aside from the obvious Barret and Yuffie alternatives, here is the problem: who comes for a night out is not determined by Cloud’s affection toward them, but their approachability in their affections toward Cloud. It is Aerith or Tifa (or Barret or Yuffie) who takes Cloud out. Naturally Aerith would begin with points higher than Tifa because there is no barrier of a dark & secret past between them, and Tifa has lower self-confidence, tending to lock her feelings away.

So the player has agency over the Gold Saucer experience. This does not alter the plot. Aerith will die; and Cloud’s “sealed up secret wish” involving Tifa will be brought to light in the Lifestream.

Cloud’s feelings in the plot sense – ie. as they truly are (not to the player’s subjection, but objectively Cloud’s) – are complex. Before giving my two cents worth on two beautifully deep relationships, to all who say that ‘because Cloud romantically loves one girl he doesn’t care about the other,’ I propose the following statement:

“Those who cannot conceive Friendship as a substantive love but only as a disguise or elaboration of Eros betray the fact that they have never had a Friend.” – C.S. Lewis

I lament with Mr. Lewis at the degradation of friendship's meaning in the world today. So when I speak of friendship, I wish to stress its meaning: that it is one of the highest forms of love.

Cloud’s feelings toward Aerith, I believe, can be interpreted as either of the two loves – friendship or Eros (romantic love) – or both. Even within the experience of Gold Saucer, I personally have not any solid evidence that Cloud’s feelings for Aerith are Eros, and whether they are or not has no influence on the plot. Cloud and Aerith will become (very) close; Aerith will die; Cloud will be distraught; and Cloud will continue the fight they started together – Eros or no Eros. That being said, I can see how conclusions of Eros are a possibility. Cloud’s investment in Aerith’s journey and well-being is very personal. His care toward her runs so deep, in fact, that his “Ex-SOLDIER” persona is often cracked.

Aerith is the first and only character to humor this self that Cloud is so desperate to project to the world. She takes the mickey by giving him the title なんでも屋さん (“Nandemoyasan”) – “Mr. Jack of all trades”. Yet she allows him to ‘play SOLDIER’ in making him her bodyguard and supportively holding him to that role.

Cloud is encouraged and feels strong when he is with Aerith. She raises his self-confidence and trust in his own strength in a uniquely distinct way that no other character does – not even Tifa. Though he is encouraged by Tifa to “be strong” also – in a uniquely distinct way pertaining to his accepting of self (which is, ultimately, what saves him) – Cloud feels weak around Tifa, due to his constant failure to live up to being her hero as he perceives it. With Aerith, we have the opposite effect.

Aerith simultaneously encourages the “Ex-SOLDIER” façade and breaks through it. They share laughter and tease one another on the rooftops. Cloud reveals his soft side when urging her to open up to him.

Aerith realizes that she does not know the ‘real’ Cloud, and tries very hard to find him, to bring him out. However, she does not. Not even within the Lifestream where he ends up twice in a broken state and she has maintained her complete physical consciousness. This is a role that only Tifa can fulfil.

Likewise, Cloud realizes Aerith is facing her own inner struggle – of what it means to be a Cetra – and he time and again goes out of his way to try help her, from risking his life to rescue her from Shinra to pushing to talk to her even when she wants to be left alone (note how Aerith turns her face away in the screenshots below). The writing stresses that this is by Cloud’s own investment, not simply that of the party’s as its leader. “But I’m… we’re here for you, right?”

Paralleling Aerith’s inability to reach Cloud’s true self, Cloud is unable to help her in discovering and fulfilling her task as the last Cetra, and Aerith finds herself more and more “alone” in pertinence to her inner conflict.

Her nandemoyasan, her dear friend, fails her, and that haunts Cloud after her death as he grapples with his own role in saving the Planet – a hope that is lost without Aerith.

Which now brings us to her death.

Aerith dies at the point where Cloud’s inner conflict against Sephiroth first peaks for the worst. Just having become aware that Sephiroth can override his very conscious (being forced to hand over the Black Materia in the Temple of the Ancients), Cloud has begun to doubt himself and is immensely afraid of who he is. Immediately following is his failure to save Aerith.

Cloud, whose entire life struggle and “Ex-SOLDIER” persona were built upon his self-loathing due to feelings of failure, weakness and inadequacy, has just failed to save this woman so precious to him. We see the haunting and guilt it holds over him in Advent Children, where he despairs and distances himself from his family for fear of failing them too.

Cloud does everything in his power to ensure Aerith’s mission is complete, not just for sake of the Planet, but for Aerith. The fight for the Planet is the party’s fight – the “we” fight, together as a whole. But it is more for Cloud, so much more.

“I’ll do the rest.”

Cloud’s external fight for the Planet and his personal feud with Sephiroth is in much part out of his deep love for Aerith.

This love is, no doubt, an incredibly powerful mutual friendship. It is clear that, in addition to this friendship, Aerith has romantic feelings for Cloud (which I will evidence in part 4), but what of Cloud for Aerith? Could he have feelings for her that are Eros too? Absolutely. I have found no evidence implicitly for it, nor implicitly against it, and that to me is a beauty of player experience in the narrative. (I also believe this is what Nomura meant when he expressed his desire to leave interpretation to the player.)

However, in the sense of plot and Cloud’s feelings that are not up for the player’s interpretation, I hold to my understanding that Cloud – even if having romantic feelings toward Aerith – is romantically in love with Tifa, and that that Eros is core to his very being.

I will not say “there’s nothing more” between Aerith and Cloud even in my interpretation of them as friends. For that implies friendship is a lesser love than Eros, which I do not believe is true. C.S. Lewis said that (no pun intended) “To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves,” “the crown of life and the school of virtue”, and I agree with his saying that “few value it because few experience it.”

My hope is simply this: that people would lose this notion of ‘competition’ – that one girl must win ‘all’ of Cloud’s affections, and that at the expense of one ‘winning’, his relationship with the other is belittled.

Link to all parts: https://outbythehighwind.tumblr.com/post/640347336477966336/the-misconceptions-of-ff7-a-cloud-aerith-tifa

[thoughtsaboutshows]

Fluffy Ask

@kh5160 asked for   “Soulmate shit, it’s hardcore as hell.” 

Sabrina sat down at their typical lunch table at Baxter High, noticing she was interrupting a lively conversation between her friends.  

“What are we talking about?”  She asked them.

“Mr. Presley’s lesson in Culture and Lore today.”  Theo responded, a blatant smile on his face. 

“Which was?”  Sabrina raised her eyebrows in question.  

“Soulmate shit, it’s hardcore as hell.”  Roz responded with a giggle.  It was then that Sabrina noticed that Harvey was quiet and not participating into the conversation, the topics of soulmates still an uncomfortable one for him since their breakup.  

The idea of soulmates was something that was taught and ingrained in the minds of the Greendale Youth from a young age.  Tradition and religion stated that one shared a mark with their soulmate, one only the two could see.  Soulmates could mean anything.  The connection could be romantic, platonic, or you could be spit-fire enemies.  Your souls connected as destined to fight forever. 

Sabrina had been delighted when she first noticed that she and Harvey shared the tiny blob on their shoulders.  How lucky she was, that her soulmate was someone she knew and not halfway around the world.  They were giddy, and when they were old enough they jumped into a relationship, convinced their soul connection was one of romance.

What Harvey didn’t know but would later find out, is that soulmates aren’t limited to mortal beings.  The celestials or Satan or whoever also gifted these indelible marks to witches and warlocks.  Though witches’ soul marks are a bit different, not usually attached to ideas of Romance but one of lust and power.  But they had them all the same.  Which is how Sabrina ended with a second secret mark on her wrist in the shape of a crescent moon the morning after her Dark Baptism.  

It startled her when she woke up then next morning to find not only had her hair turned the shade of moonlight itself, but an image of it was apparent on her wrist.  She didn’t understand, she had a soulmate.  Her best friend Harvey who had broken up with her after he found out she was a witch.  After she tried to bring Tommy back from the dead because, well, she’d do anything for her soulmate.

She ran to her aunts, begging her for answers.  What did it mean?  Why did she have two soul marks?  How did she have two soul marks?  Hilda and Zelda checked with her about a million times to make sure it was a soul mark she was seeing, and not sharpie or a bruise.

“You, cousin, have two soulmates.”  Ambrose stated in the living room after dinner later that night.  

With Ambrose’s help, who had been studying soul marks in depth since his house arrest, they came to the conclusion that she had two soul marks because she had two natures.  One witch, one mortal.  It also meant that she had two soulmates.  There was another person out there, a magical being, with a crescent moon on their wrist.  She didn’t know exactly how to feel.  Harvey hadn’t been a Romantic soulmate, maybe this one could.  But she shrugged the thought off, knowing what witches and warlocks were like, but it didn’t completely leave his mind.     

So on her very first day at the Academy Sabrina couldn’t decide whether she should try and hide or flaunt her new soul mark, the one on her wrist a lot more visible than the one on her shoulder.  She knew there were witches and warlocks all over the world, but a small part of her thought she’d get lucky again and find her soulmate close by.  But she also worried what that soulmate would expect of her once they met.  Surely not romance, like she wanted.  And she wasn’t one to just give her body away, even to Harvey.  Even to her soulmate.  She decided she wouldn’t flaunt it, but she wouldn’t hide it either. 

Sabrina knew it was going to be a weird day.  She knew most of the students at the Academy hated her and balked at her existence.  She expected the harrowing and the jokes.  And she expected to eat alone at lunch.  But she didn’t.  

She hadn’t expected the warlock, Nicholas Scratch and big man on campus, to ask to join her.  He was handsome, his hair curled and perfectly messy.  His dark eyes were inviting and his smile was tilted slightly, and he was smiling at her.  She’d seen him around growing up and at the few Coven events she attended.  She was curious about him and how he always seemed a little different than the rest. He’d flirted with her but she'd rarely reciprocated, and he’d always been curious about her relationship with Harvey.  He wondered about what it was like to have a Romantic soulmate.  He wondered about what it was like to find your soulmate period. 

“Have a seat, Nick.”  Sabrina commented with a smile as he waited or her to allow him to sit down.  “It’s good to see you again.”  

“So how’s your first day going?”  He asked her as he cut into his chicken.  It was bland so he reached for the salt.  She had the same idea as she reached for it too while explaining that she was annoyed at her class list, but excited for conjuring.       

Sabrina couldn’t ignore the jolt of heat she felt on her wrist and her eyes darted to their joined hands.  She noticed then that the edge of her sweater was pulled up slightly revealing a liver of her pale skin, and revealing her soul mark.  Nick’s eyes darted to it too and cleared his throat, shoving his hands in his pockets.  But not before Sabrina caught a small glimpse of her own.  

She thought her brain may have been playing tricks on her but as she replayed the moment in her brain later in the day, she couldn’t deny what she’d seen.  On his right wrist, just like her own, was a small crescent moon.  

She didn’t know how to bring it up, and he didn’t either.  The soulmate thing isn’t something you can just bring up.  It was delicate, and Sabrina had been lucky with Harvey.  He was sweet and innocent and didn’t make her feel embarrassed when they talked about it. 

Nick was a firestorm.  He was unpredictable and every time he touched her shoulder or leaned over her desk when she was studying in the library she felt like she couldn’t breathe.  But she took notice that she missed the tense air when they went their separate ways.  Nick had been struggling too.  He’d been wrestling with his crush on her that just seemed to grow by the day, and found that he was smelling her lavender lotion even in his dreams.  

Shortly before Lupercalia she couldn’t take it anymore.  Nick had been dropping subtle hints about trying to match with her for it and spending it with someone special.  And while the thought of it sent her positively humming with anticipation, she couldn’t be his partner without knowing.  She had to know.  

She didn’t knock as she barged in his bedroom, she never had, since the two had started their friendship.  He had just gotten out of the shower and sweatpants hung low on his sweatpants and it was the first time she had seen him without a shirt.  A blush creeped to her face and she kept her eyes on his.  And off his chest and his wrist.

“Spellman, what are you-”  She asked her as he took in her wide-eyed expression.  

“Nick, I need to know.”  She said and played with her long-sleeved sweater, trying to find the word.  “You’ve been talking about Lupercalia and I think I’d like to go with you but before we do any of that, I need to know-”

“Sabrina, breathe.”  He walked towards her and resisted tucking her hair behind her ears.  “What do you need to know?”

“I noticed something my first day at the Academy.  After my Dark Baptism.  On your wrist.”  Sabrina got out and Nick’s eyes went wide, recognizing what she was saying.  She started to lift her sleeve.  

“Wait.”  Nick stopped her with his left hand on her arm before meeting her eyes.  He hesitantly lifted his hand to push her hair behind her ear, giving in to his desire from before.  And then in slow motion and quickly at the same time, he kissed her.  Like the firestorm he was, Nick’s lips on hers set her ablaze and she couldn’t help but trail her hands up his chest, leaving sparks in her place.  

When they pulled apart Nick’s hands were on her waist and hers were buried in his hair.  They sat in that moment for a while, foreheads pressed together and breathing each other in.  He smelled fresh from his shower and she smelled like lavender.  

“Why did you do that, Nick?”  She finally asked.

“It didn’t matter.”  He answered her.  “It doesn’t matter what’s on your wrist and what’s on mine.  I wanted to kiss you because you’re you, and not because we have the same Satan-given mark on our body.” 

Sabrina responded by kissing him again, distracting him with her lips while she reached down and grabbed his hand.  

“That’s very romantic.  But I still want to know.”  

“I figured you would.”  Nick smirked at her in response and willingly turned his wrist over.  

And there it was.  On the inside of his right wrist was a small mark in the shape of a crescent moon.  Nick noted her soft smile, it was good news.  He grabbed her hand then from where it was resting at the back of his neck and to look at her wrist.  He smiled wide when he noticed the mark was identical to his and brought it to his lips to kiss it gently.  Her eyes fluttered closed at the soft gesture and she let out a deep breath.

“Oh, praise Satan.”  Nick murmured against her skin.  She giggled before biting her lip and looking up at him.

“I thought it didn’t matter.”  Sabrina quipped and ran her hands up and down his chest again.

“It doesn’t.”  He leaned in to peck her once, unable to refrain from kissing her now that he’d finally done it.  “But I’m glad I don’t have to fight anyone for your hand.”  

“My hand?”  She raised her eyebrows at her.

“Uhhh, not that you or your hand belong to me because I’m your soulmate.”  Nick tried to save face.  “Just that I’m glad you are…”

He stopped rambling when he heard her giggling again.  

“I’m glad too, Nick.”  She pulled him in for another kiss.  This one tender and deep.  He hummed against her lips.  “So Lupercalia?  Feel like spending it with your soulmate?”  

“Lupercalia.”  Nick answered, lifting her wrist to kiss the crescent moon again.  “And every day after that.” 

[queerchoicesblog]

Lawrence was a pleasure to see again, and thanks God he was there to talk some sense into Zetta ! "Sometimes our secrets are what makes our lives worth living. No matter with what high cost they come attached” What power in that sentence. What I also loved was that Zetta was honest with Richard. She has always been a straight shooter and it's interesting to see a dynamic where she would have much to lose from it but chooses to be (somewhat) honest anyway. With him. With herself. /6 (I think ?)

Part 2 of my response, sweet Nonny!

Let me start saying that:

1. You do not have to apologise for your English because it's brilliant and I'm Italian so no pressure!

2. I absolutely love your talkative mood and because of the kind words you reserved to my writing, I swear! I almost wish we would be sharing a table at a cafe (let's make it a patisserie: I'm a sweet tooth and you have decadent desserts up there!) and chatting about Zetta, Adele and a bit of everything 😊

Giving a voice to wlw characters is my main mission so thank YOU! I'm glad I could make fellow members of our community happy with my stories. I write them for free because it sounds like the right thing in these dark times when many face new personal budget struggles. Maybe one day, if I build enough confidence, I will try to get some works published but today's not that day.

Back to Titanic, I'm particularly glad you appreciate your compatriot Sabine (who will get a scene in the next chapter) and Lawrence. They were minor characters but gosh, how I love them. I tried to add more depths and give them a bit more space in the series since they only appeared from time to time in the original book.

I find the friendship between Lawrence and Zetta quite interesting and a bit endearing. At the Turkish Baths, Zetta described it in these terms:

Of course, it refers to the fact that they're both gay and they can understand each other better than anyone else. But these lines and the affability they showed when he joined Zetta's table for dinner in first class made me picture the two of them as that kind of friends who aren't close as they don't keep in touch or hang out together all the time but whenever they find each other, it's as though they never parted. As many of us feel today about their fellow gay/bi/trans and so on friends, they rely on each other for a support they cannot find elsewhere so they can chat of nothing and everything, laugh but also have deep conversations out of nowhere without needing explanation or excuses. They simply understand the need to talk of certain parts of their lives: finest historical mlm/wlw solidarity. I cannot bring myself to imagine, for instance Lawrence talking of Felix with other gentlemen but Zetta would surely ask him how he's doing. Vice versa I can see the only one Zetta would truly speak of Adele being him.

"Sometimes our secrets are what make our lives worth living. No matter with what high cost they come attached"

I must admit I am quite proud of that sentence 😅

I just thought the story needed something that could explain why Zetta eventually decides to "fight for Adele" in her own way, writing her that note begging to come to the party after months of silence, but also Adele's change of heart about secrecy. We know that Adele has been stagnating for some time after the sinking and the abandonment, dealing with trauma, loss and starting anew in a new country...or at least that's how I picture her? Hileni says she's hardly leaving the shop, she looks afraid to live in full survivor sense of guilt and suffering from the sudden disappearance of her love. Through those months she changes and I reckon this change includes the shift from this (in my playthrough)

To this:

Back on the Titanic Adele seemed almost unapologetic about showing her affection as if "pushing boundaries". True, she's an outcast unlike Zetta and the adeline pumped high in the aftermath of the collision but she was the lesbian hero everyone dreamed in the moment: proclaiming her love for Zetta and kissing her passionately in the crowd. Quite a shock for super closet lesbian like Zetta! Then, months later she no longer says "I don't care who's watching" but is the one proposing a secret romance, accepting to live her love behind closed doors and putting up a mask in public if that's what it takes to be with Zetta. I think she came to the same conclusion Lawrence stated. And I think it's interesting how the change in Zetta is somehow symmetrical: from freezing on the l word to realising she doesn't want to part from Adele - and kissing her on the deck uncaring of the crowd - to make it happen after her own stagnation.

As for the Richard discourse, I believe that what Mateo said was for once true:

Adele and her conscience, her courage inspired her to be a better version of herself while her compassion softened a bit Adele. At the beginning of the story, Zetta is bitter, sarcastic, utterly gorgeous but not so pleasant to have around, for her own decision: her guard is up and she's unhappy. Through the story, she shows a new side of her, compassionate, protective, smart and gentle that was there but Adele rekindled. In the next chapter I will give a hint of other ways in which I believe Adele inspired her to action.

But a change I picture being a tail end of this is being (somewhat) honest with Richard. Adele put her freedom at risk for her and I want to believe that gesture impressed Zetta more than she admitted to herself maybe. She praised her conscience and courage...now it was her time to be brave. Zetta not saying a thing after what happened made little sense to me, if she suffers so much as we get to understand. Complete honesty is not a safe route or at least one she is not willing to go for but she pushes herself as far as she feels comortable stating the truth: is he convinced to marry her even knowing that she cannot love him like he does? Seems like an honest and merciful warning: Zetta cares for her career but she is not a heart of stone and I headcanon she likes Richard even if not romantically.

Richard doesn't get the true meaning behind her confession but as you said, could she? Zetta is closeted and very careful not to draw the slightest suspicion on her. He couldn't possibly imagine the truth but I cannot bring myself to see it as completely dumb either. We cannot read a person's heart with Suisse precision but we can perceive coldness or when our feelings are not fully reciprocated. He probably knew already that Zetta didn't love him "like he loves her" and it explained it to himself as stemming from her independence, her being a lady who can't be entirely tamed. Which is not a lie, just one part of the truth.

Sorry, I went down a tangent here and ended up flooding you with words!

Hope to hear from you soon! Stay safe and healthy ❤

[readingsbylibramc]

composite chart reading for @fvckhxbits

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m going to read your composite chart with your partner to analyze the pros and cons of a long-term relationship with this individual. I’m going to start from the ascendant, the meeting of the relationship, to your family, intimate life until a possible break of the connection. I’m also going to analyze the way you’ll approach finances as a couple. now let’s get started! feel free to ask me any questions.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your composite chart's shape is a bowl, with most of the planets focused on the eastern hemisphere of the chart. obviously, this is a great placement for a romantic relationship, as it brings the focus on intimacy, romance, and overall the relationship itself.

your composite dominant planet is neptune. this is a very lovely dominant! this relationship feels like a dream; you may both daydream about each other, you may have the type of relationship that people read about in fairytales, it feels too good to be true. overall, you two make a very cuddly, soft pair when you're together.

your composite dominant sign is virgo. this placement helps you two being still rational and down-to-earth in your relationship, in order to balance your composite dominant planet. also, you may be very kind with the other, you two literally live to help and heal each other throughout this relationship.

🌍 composite ascendant in pisces, 11° / 2nd decan ruled by neptune and the moon

the first impression that you give off as a couple is that you two look very soft and attached to each other. you come off as a very emotional, feelings-oriented couple. it's literally a very cute rising sign, you two seem like a prince and princess together. perhaps, at first people may think that you may not go well together, maybe even out of jealousy, as neptune's influence brings this foggy vibe around you that makes it hard to decipher you two at first. yet, as people get to know you two and go beyond the surface, they'll realize how sweet and dedicated you are to each other. the negative aspects of this placement is that, while this relationship may feel like a literal dream, you may struggle to take action. you may have loads of plans together, but you tend to dream about them rather than put them in action, especially since your composite mars is in the passive sign of cancer. in addition, the composite ascendant also indicates how the relationship started, the meeting. with pisces in the ascendant, it could be that at first, you didn't really meet each other, or at least not in a physical way. one of you might've seen the other online for example, and therefore you / he started daydreaming or even dreaming about you. there was a feeling of instant connection, like a soulmate connection. or perhaps, if you did meet, you could have met when you were sleepy, particularly emotional or sad. you could have also been suffering from a specific illness at that time, such as depression, eating disorders, and so on.

🌞 composite sun in leo, 26° / 3rd decan ruled by the sun and mars

this composite sun probably assures that you two are in the spotlight as a couple. people may constantly be talking about you, positively or even in a bad way. in fact, with your pisces ascendant, you tend to attract lots of jealousy to you, others may constantly interfer in your relationship. therefore, there could be conflicts as you always try to show the other that you're committed, even when it doesn't seem like that. on the other hand, you're a very romantic and youthful couple. you may not be extremely serious, but you know how to have fun together. you may hang out together, attend parties together, and even share the same hobbies. combined with your 5th house synastry, you probably see each other as someone you'd spend your free time, as your safe place, as being together is extremely relaxing for you two. you may also have lots of friends in common, and you like having double dates or things of this kind. you both have a deep admiration for one another, you may want to achieve the same goals as your partner, maybe individually or even together.

🌙 composite moon in libra, 8° / 1st decan ruled by venus

this placement is extremely lovely! you two feel comfortable with romance and all that cheesy stuff. just the idea of you two being together brings a sense of comfort and ease to the both of you, you have a very emotions-based relationship together. there's a mutual understanding of each others' feelings, especially since you have your sun in libra, you feel particularly understood by your partner. because of that, this relationship is based on respect, exactly because you're able to understand each others' wants and needs. perhaps, the problem that this moon sign can bring, is that you may avoid to deal with issues and problems regarding the relationship, you could both be quite accomodating. for instance, let's suppose you had a fight; instead of sorting it out, you may end up avoiding it to avoid other conflicts, you just let time heal it all. while this can be helpful, as you're not a polemic couple, it can be serious when more important issues are involved. you're not like a water sign that goes deep into feelings, you just stop to the surface, to what's convenient for both of you. you may communicate a lot, but more to entertain yourselves rather than to have deep, meaningful talks. especially with your composite sun also being in leo, you care more about having fun than growing up thanks to this connection. as I've also mentioned in your synastry chart, I personally see that this pair would work better as a friendship rather than a romantic relationship based on these placements.

composite libra moon sextile composite leo jupiter: this placement pretty much confirms what I've said above; you two know how to have fun together, you're basically each other's point of reference when it comes to having fun and just chilling. you help each other to broaden your views, you may both bring something new into each other's life that makes you develop new ideas, theories, opinions... for sure, there's a lot that you two can learn from this connection, but that will only happen when both of you open your eyes and understand the nature of the relationship. you can't just pretend that everything is okay on the outside when there's doubt, regret and other negative feelings in the inside. you can push them all down, but they're eventually going to resurface. luckily though, this aspect is mostly favourable: you are overall very well-liked as a couple, maybe not at first impression, but when people get to know you, they'll truly understand how much you get each other and vibe together. you enjoy spending time together, as I've mentioned above you may have the same hobbies, you may have the same taste in music, books, etc. and therefore you have a lot of knowledge in common. perhaps, you may even teach each other new things in a more practical sense, you may teach your partner your special skills (writing, singing, etc) and viceversa.

composite libra moon square composite capricorn uranus: this placement is quite tricky. with the moon in the 8th house, you two want to share intimate moments together, you want to be able to share time alone. yet, with uranus being in the 10th house, together with your leo and libra energy, you end up being constantly in the spotlight. you need a private relationship, but people may often try to interfer in your connection. it could be friends, family, enemies... literally anyone. especially with your libra moon, you tend to attract lots of enemies and jealousy in your relationship. of course I'm not saying that one of you may end up cheating on the other, astrology can't determin that, but of course there's the risk since so many people wander around the two of you. in addition, this placement also confirms that you two may struggle to talk about deep topics. it's not like there's a lack of empathy, but with uranus you may end up being too logical when it comes to your feelings. you may be too rational instead of taking and living the relationship as it is, always listening to your mind rather than your heart, and this behaviour is going to get unhealthy in the long-run.

🗣 composite mercury in virgo, 9° / 1st decan ruled by mercury

this placement isn't totally bad for a romantic relationship, but there could be a feeling of unease regarding communication with your partner. as I've already mentioned above, there's more logic than feelings in this relationship, and this energy may also project in your words. you may struggle to talk about your feelings with the other, and that could be perceived as coldness by the other partner and viceversa. of course, that doesn't mean that there aren't feelings, but maybe you'd show them better through material stuff, for example. you may tend to show your affection to gestures rather than words, like baking a cake for your partner for example, or staying up until late just to keep him company. I don't think that you'd be the type of couple to constantly call each other sweet names. another bad side to this placement is that, as you probably already know, virgo is all about precision. therefore, you two may have the tendency to over-analyze each other's words, you two could get slightly paranoid. at least, this placement assures that you're very present in each other's daily life, you'd probably talk daily to the other. I don't think you'd spend days without speaking, even if you're busy you still manage to find even a single minute to ask each other about your day, your mood.

❤️ composite venus in virgo, 22° / 3rd decan ruled by mercury and venus

again, this placement isn't much romantic either, but since your venus is also trine neptune, this virgo energy may get softer. you two most likely love helping each other, and with your libra energy you strive for fairness in the relationship. there's lots of respect, you're very caring about each other, and combined with your virgo mercury, you two may be the type of couple to take care of each other when the other is sick for example. you care about the health of the relationship on a daily basis, and you try to lift each other's mood up when you're sad, especially with your 5th house synastry, you tend to make the other happy by taking him out instead of lifting him up with words. you're not the type of couple to psychoanalyze the other, basically, you prefer having fun to avoid problems instead, and that's why there could be some problems in the long-run. on the other hand, you two surely are reliable with each other, I don't see you two lying to the other for example. you may not spontaneously talk things through, but at least you're not the couple to hide things from the other.

composite virgo venus trine composite capricorn neptune: as I've mentioned above, this placement luckily makes your virgo venus less serious and strict, but more romantic and soft. in fact, you're very compassionate of the other, you become more empathetic and sensitive when you're together, even though you may struggle to express these feelings with words. you two are sweet, but without binge-eating that sugar, you naturally know what's the best quantity for you and for the sake of the relationship. of course, since it's neptune, there could still be some trouble, some deception, but since we're talking about a trine it's not as serious as a square or an opposition. you may tend to idealize the other, you tend to be quite passive when it comes to dealing with the issues of the relationship. you always blame yourself when something bad happens, as you see your partner as the perfect lover. I would say that this aspect would work better in a working relationship in your case, especially if you two work in a creative or healing field. in that case, there would be lots of healthy collaboration, but in a romantic relationship, you end up seeing your partner as a prince that came straight out of a fairytale, rather than a human that can make mistakes, and same goes for your partner of course.

☄️ composite mars in cancer, 29° / 3rd decan ruled by the moon and neptune

this placement pretty much confirms what I’ve been saying in almost all of the paragraphs above: you tend to deal with issues and arguments in a passive-aggressive way, you don’t really take action to solve it openly. you two both have intense feelings, especially your partner with his scorpio dominance, but you two both struggle to talk clearly about your worries, your desires. especially you, with your libra sun, you tend to assume that your partner (or just literally anyone, generally speaking) needs tounderstand you instantly to get alonng with you, even if you don’t directly express your thoughts, your mood to others, making you hard to understand. this trait is very dominant in this relationship, and it could probably cause loads of conflicts. on the other hand, cancer is also about family, therefore I feel like you may often discuss or think about having a family together, or maybe you might want to go living together at a certain point, there’s this strong necessity of being together, of feeling tied to each other just like a family, which is very lovely. basically, there could be lots of arguing, especially passive-aggressive arguments, but if you two both try to understand your partner and try to face your struggles, your weaknesses as a couple, then it could definitely work, or at least last longer than it coud right now.

composite cancer mars conjunct composite leo jupiter and leo saturn:

I’m going to analyze these two aspects together, as they’re pretty much connected. let’s start from jupiter; jupiter’s influence to mars give a great abundance of energy, of drive to get things done together as a couple, not just individually. especially since your composite mars is in the nurturing sign of cancer, you two may often think or discuss about having a child, getting married, growing old together, or at the very least, living together. while it makes the relationship look and feel lovely, impulsiveness is never the right choice. before making such important and long-lasting decisions, you first need to deal and sort out already-existent problems in the relationship, or you’ll just make the whole situation worse. in addition, saturn being also present in this conjunction makes things even worse to understand; I feel like you may actually be afraid, at first, to deal with the struggles of the relationship, you tend to rely more on the passive side of cancer, and that doesn’t only manifest during discussions, but even in stuff like a sexual intercourse for instance. instead of using this great energy healhtily, you’re just impulsive and blunt, not productive. you two may both try to cope with it by trying to ignore problems, but at the end you’re going to burst it all out soon or after, it just makes everything worse, causing useless discussions. my advice for this would be to always talk things through instead of accumulating them, it will allow you two to understand whether you want this relationship to continue or not.

🏡 composite houses

your composite 1st house is in pisces. you are very genuine as a couple, you value feelings and love above all, and therefore dishonesty and coldness may be a particular turn-down for the two of you. yet, just like neptune, you tend to get too lost in your dreams, in your imagination. you’re not a really action-oriented couple, you tend to take everything as it comes without self-development, you just rely on fate. yet, for a relationship, especially a long-lasting one, it’s important to communicate and take action to become a better couple. while this relationship may feel lonvely and dream-like, with time this energy may turn into something negative and overwhelming for both of you, therefore it’s important to understand what are the weaknesses in the connection in order to sort them out.

your composite 2nd house is in aries. financially, I feel like you may be a very stable couple, I don’t see you struggling too much with money. perhaps, you have at first with sharing them, but it’s something that is going to get naturally better with time, especially since the ruler of the 2nd house, mars, is conjunct jupiter, the planet of abundance, therefore I definitely see you two having loads of money as a couple, perhaps you work together and hence you earn together, or maybe one of you (or even both) is quite wealthy, and therefore he / she brings their finances into this relationship without being greedy. this relationship may also allow you to feel confident, not just as a couple but even as single individuals, when you feel stable and secure, when there are no relevant issues in the relationship. if the relationship is scattered, then the opposite happens; you feel insecure, and you start blaming yourself for any little issue that may arise. that’s why it’s so important for you two to be cautious and deal with your problems in the connection.

your composite 3rd house is in taurus. this placement, added to your mercury’s position, makes this relationship’s communication problems even worse to deal with. in fact, taurus is all about calmness and being slow, therefore you may often try to avoid conflicts, even when perhaps a discussion is required for the sake of the relationship. you tend to hide your worries and feelings hoping to suppress them, but eventually you just end up letting it all out brutally. same goes for your thoughts; you may probably find it hard to feel empathy for each other, to understand each other’s views and opinions about something, you start relating to each other only as time goes by. on the other hand, this placement allows you to stick to a plan once you talk it through, but be careful not to project this energy as stubbornness instead of determination.

your composite 4th house is in gemini. this placement is what makes a composite pisces ascendant couple look confusing and scattered, pretty much. in fact, while the 4th house is about stability, comfort, gemini is constantly moving. you probably like spending time together, but you still need some time alone, or maybe with your friends or family, you both need some time for yourselves. if you live together, you may probably move houses or even places often, after all I feel like your couple has no problems with money, you can totally afford that. it’s your way to spice up the relationship a bit. talking about more serious stuff, your relationship is mostly mental. that is, you both care about each other’s opinion and thoughts, but since mercury, the ruler of the 5th house, is retrograde, you may struggle to express your thoughts and, at the same time, understand what the other means, you may misunderstand each other often. the key is trying to go again mercury retrograde; it may be painful and hard but if you truly care about this relationship, then you should at least give it a try.

your composite 5th house is in the sign of cancer, with mars, saturn and jupiter also sitting in this house. as you already know, cancer is about home and family in the birth chart, while the 5th house is about spare time. therefore, you may enjoy spending time together inside rather than outside. you feel comfortable being alone together, and you actually prefer it to going out with friends for example, especially since I get the feeling that you two may often attract people’s prejudices. you may frequently come across enemies that try to interfer in your relationship, therefore you end up staying inside to avoid being in the spotlight. the 5th house is also about sex, and with jupiter and mars I feel like you may actually get lots of pleasure and amusement from sexual intercourses, you feel comfortable being intimate with each other. yet, with saturn ìn placed in this house you may probably have to come across a few hardships before reaching this level of comfort with each other. perhaps, one or even both of you is busy with work for example, making it hard for you spend time together. or perhaps, you can’t really go live together, making it hard for you two to spend time completely alone. same goes for sex; perhaps, you ma be too shy to be completely open with your partner and viceversa. I assume that, if you acknowledge this problem, you can surely sort it out alone.

your composite 6th house is in the sign of leo, with also the sun and mercury placed in this house. with leo in the cusp of the house of routine and daily life, you tend to be a vedy fun-oriented couple. you love spending your free time together and you most likely do it on a daily basis. you may probably love watching movies, listening to movies, hanging out together... pretty much, you two share your hobbies with each other, and you may actually become passionate about new things thanks to your partner. it’s a very light relationship, but it has the tendency to get a bit superficial. the sun and mercury are as well placed in this house: these aren’t very romantic placements actually, but the 6th house can still be useful when it comes to relationships! in fact, 6th house placements make both of you very considerate of the other, you care about each other in your day-to-day live, and you tend to show your affection relate. you may talk or at least chat daily, and if you can you may even see each other daily, that’s why I feel like you may go live together at a certain point in the relationship. the problem is that perhaps, one of you is going to be more affectionate than the other, therefore you may feel as if there was a lack of balance between you two.

your composite 7th house is in the sign of virgo, with also venus sitting in this house as well. virgo in the 7th house usually isn’t a very romantic placement, as you two can tend to pick on each other. you’re both very picky, and find it hard to forgive your partner when he does something wrong and viceversa, as you want each other to make the perfect couple. in addition you may even attract lots of people that pick on your relationship, you may constantly be judged and in the spotlight, especially with your composite leo sun and libra moon, it could a quite controversial relationship. luckily, venus in this house makes the love life less cold, as venus naturally rules the 7th house. you two are more affectionate and enjoy each other’s company. you have a peaceful relationship, you try to avoid conflicts at all costs, but be mindful not to overdo it, or it will just make the relationship feel overwhelming.

your composite 8th house is in libra, with also your moon placed here. I would say this is probably one of the best placements in your composite chart, actually, even though the 8th house may seem scary at first. with libra in the house cusp, you two are very affectionate and romantic with each other, but you tend to keep this side of you for yourselves. you're not really fans of pda, you are the type of couple to seem very formal, almost detached, on the outside, and then when you're alone you get all cuddly and cheesy. even when it comes to sex, you two are a very balanced couple, you always try to please the other and viceversa, you care about each other. same goes for money, you try to be fair in dealing with taxes and stuff. the moon here makes both of you very intense, you have strong feelings for each other that you two are able to express exclusively when you are alone. you feel as if the other is able to read deep inside of you, it's an energy that is present in your synastry chart as well with your 12th house overlays. while this feels like a karmic connection, make sure that you feel comfortable with your partner and viceversa.

your composite 9th house is in scorpio. with scorpio in the cusp of the house, you two may be able to feel intimate with each other when you are able to expand your horizons, to travel. you may be the type of couple to go on holiday far away from home to relax, or perhaps you're just the type of couple to go on trips very often. perhaps, this is linked to the fact that your relationship may often get judged by your peers or by anyone that could be near you, therefore you two prefer going far away to truly leave stress behind. you two are able to learn and get to know each other when you spend some time alone, therefore it's extremely important for both of you to find some spare time to spend with your partner for the sake of the relationship.

your composite 10th house is in sagittarius, with also uranus placed in this house. the composite 10th house rules, aside from work, the reputation of the couple. therefore, with uranus placed in this house, I feel like you may gain a reputation for being a very unusual, unexpected couple. your dating news may shock everyone you know, for instance. I would say that uranus can actually give a bad reputation, as you appear as a very flaky, non-lasting couple which may make everyone disrespect and overlook you as a couple, but luckily sagittarius in the house cusp may change up things a bit. in fact, if people try to look behind the surface, you are actually a couple that appears to be very fun-loving and straight-forward, you may actually seem like a pair of friends rather than a couple of lovers. you hate drama, you aspire to have a good reputation and you try to stay away from fighting in public for example, you always want to seem like an ideal, lovely couple.

your composite 11th house is in the sign of capricorn, with also neptune sitting there. I feel like with capricorn in the house cusp, you are very picky with who you befriend as a couple, especially since you may attract lots of enemies and malicious people to you. yet, with also neptune's presence in this house, you are probably the mature yet caring people in your little friends group. you may be the elder couple people ask advice to, and you don't offter it in a strict manner, but with neptune's typical kindness. you pretty much come off as an experienced couple to your friends. yet, there are also negative sides to this placement, after all we're still talking about two malefic planets. in fact, you may tend to see each other through rose-coloured glasses, you idealize each other too much without recognizing each other's flaws and issues in the relationship. because of that, it's hard for you two to focus on your goals together, afflicting the longevity of the relationship.

your composite 12th house is in the sign of aquarius. with this energy in the 12th house, the house of unconsciousness, you two may have to face some struggles from the past in this relationship. you may see something in your partner that triggers you and viceversa, making it hard for you to spend time with him, as you find something about him that makes you feel very strange and uncomfortable as time goes by. in addition, in a composite chart reading the 12th house is also about the end, the breakup of a relationship. therefore, with aquarius in the house cusp, this relationship may end unexpectedly. basically, something sudden could happen that would definitely split you two. of course this doesn't mean that you two are meant to break up, but it's something to consider. you need to beware of impulsiveness and sudden anger, or it could be fatal for your relationship.

this is the end! thank you again for booking a reading, let me know if you have any questions :) - libramc xx

- not corrected yet -

[allysartstuff]

[Kofi] [Picarto] [Commission Info]

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Some may already know I retconned RariPants a little. Digital Art > Drawings > Movies & TV"> I didn’t include Fancy here as this whole thing was big enough already, might make a different post with just him. All the kids cutie marks are the same, just didn't want to draw them.

Rarity

Rarity’s first marriage to Fancy Pants wasn’t as smooth as she hoped. Before, they were on friendly terms and got along well. However, that all changed after a drunken night out in which Rarity became pregnant. Initially, he wanted Rarity to have an abortion descreetly and even offered her money to do so. Rarity, after long talks with her family and friends, decided she had enough emotional and financial support to raise her baby and told Fancy it was his decision if he wanted to be involved or not. Fancy decided he did want to be involved but, unbeknownst to Rarity, planned to woo her so that would marry him and not ‘live in shame’ (Fancy was older than Rarity, had some pretty old fashioned views and liked younger mares anyway). Luckily for him, his plan worked and Rarity fell pretty dang hard for his charm and gentleman ways and they married roughly a year after their first son was born, then called Chic Magnifique.

For the first few years, everything was good. Rarity moved to Canterlot where Fancy and Rarity raised Chic together and eventually decided to have another baby, Ace Dandy. But things started to gradually change. Fancy started staying out later and later, leaving Rarity to raise two very rambunctious boys on her own while working on her three shops from home. When she asked for help (like, y’know raise your fucking kids and no it’s not babysitting, dammit Fancy), his idea was to vigorously train them as perfect little elites. When Rarity saw the negative effects this had on the boys, she blew her top, resulting in many massive arguments. During this time, Rarity finally saw Fancy for who he really was and left him, returning to Ponyville with her sons.

Fleur de Lis

Many years before Rarity met Fancy, Fleur was Fancy’s secret personal bodyguard. A native of Prance and a former secret agent, she came to work for Fancy by chance. Often, Fleur would act like a typical trophy wife who would over fawn and simper over Fancy while on the lookout for anyone who could harm him. She is full capable of kicking anyone’s ass and had saved his butt on a few occasions. The pair became really good friends and the two fell in love and married. However, things began to de-escalate when Fancy wanted her to be his trophy wife for real. After only a year of marriage, Fleur noped out of that relationship and quietly moved to Ponyville, becoming a private Prench teacher while ignoring the Canterlot gossip surrounding her.

A few years later Rarity and Fleur have a chance meeting and, after getting over the awkwardness of the whole ‘holy shit, it’s my ex-husband’s ex-wife, oh fuck’ thing, they begin an understanding friendship and reguarly have tea together. They soon develop real, honest feelings for each other, especially when Fleur got on so well with Chuck and Ace. With the boys’ very eager blessing, Rarity and Fleur marry and have their own child, Opal, via Twilight’s IVF spell. Fancy was not a happy bunny when he found this out.

Chuck Lindsneigh (formerly Chic Magnifique)

A ecentric pony who doesn’t know the volume of his own voice, Chuck is passionate and anything but subtle. He loves nothing more than to go on rousing adventures, fly his plane (which he crashes a lot) and return lost/stolen artifacts to the indegious races of Equestria and beyond. He has a very strong sense of wrong and right and will not rest until it is right again. Despite having a savant-like intelligence in planes, archaeology and ancient pony societies, Chuck has difficulty understanding basic visual communication so he often fails to understand other feelings (eg, why his brother continues to keep in touch with their father) and can be easily lied to (eg, he has fallen for many a scam by Jammie Dodger). This is due to him being autistic, which wasn’t diagnosed until he was an adult, something Rarity feels terribly guilty for. May have an on/off no strings attached relationship with Orin every time he winds up in Manehatten. Hates Fancy Pants and often deliberately sends him bills to places he’s damaged by his plane crashing.

Ace Dandy

Ace lives up to his name as a hoofball superstar, the sport introduced to him by his grandfather Hondo Flanks, as a way to cope with his parent’s divorce. Although smaller than Chuck, he is easily physically stronger and incredibly fast, having both played for Ponyville and Canterlot teams. He takes his celebrity status and image very seriously, taking care of his appearance but also showing endless kindness by donating endlessly to charities and signing every autograph asked from him. As good as his intentions are, this stems from an underlying need to be perfect. His elite training from Fancy and his parents divorce resulted in severe issues. He’d sooner ram his head in a wall than get one thing wrong and little Ace blamed himself for the divorce, despite Rarity’s insistence than it wasn’t his fault. Because of this, Ace accepts his father back in his life when Fancy returns, much to Chuck’s disgust. They have an ok father son relationship but Ace stresses when Fancy makes a minor passing comment or action that something’s not to his liking. Basically, this boy is 50% muscle, 50% anxiety. Ace lives with his long-term boyfriend Bramble at Grand-Pear’s old house. The two are very sugary sweet and don’t know the meaning of PDA. But what Ace loves most about Bramble is his down to earth nature and it never fails to put him at ease (also, he has a cute butt).

Opal

Opal is Rarity’s third and final bab and Fleur’s only biological child. The youngest sib at seventeen, Opal get’s really excited at the most boring things imaginable. She looooves rocks and often believes she was born the wrong species (Opal has a deep admiration for Earth Ponies). As a child, Opal loved going with Rarity on her gem expeditions, although she was more interested in the rock around the glittering gems. She is completely obsessed with Maud Pie and Maud, a little amused and touched by Opal’s eagerness, took it upon herself to become her mentor (Opal fainted on the spot when she was told this). Opal is also autistic (diagnosed as a child and Rarity and Fleur recognised the signs), like Chuck, and will info-dump the hell out of you about rocks. She struggles with reading other’s facial expressions but otherwise is a happy wee soul. Most of the time. Opal was blessed with both her mothers’ beauty which attracted the attention of many teenage colts but they soon dumped her when they realised she would never shut up about rocks. This would plummet her confidence for a while until a meddling little Hullabaloo set her up with his mortified brother Lucky Bug. Now the two can enjoy talking about rocks, bugs and do any cute smooshy teen romance stuff to their hearts’ content.  

Extras;

Bramble does not like Fancy one bit, but Ace begs him to be nice when Fancy visits as Bram is known to saying exactly what he thinks.

Chuck loves his family (besides he-who-shall-not-be-named) and pops in every now and again, announcing his return by slamming the door open and yelling, “What-ho!”

Fleur taught all of the kids Prench which they are all fluent in (although Chuck’s accent is atrocious).

When Rarity and Fleur became engaged, Chuck and Ace asked her if they could call her ‘Maman’. She cried ugly tears of joy at that.

Chuck and Ace adore their little half sister and would probably stomp on all of her ex-boyfriends if given the chance.

Opal was born via emergency c-section. Fleur will tell anyone who would listen that her c-section scar is her favourite of all her scars.

Ace is willing to model any new line of clothes Rarity makes.

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My Little Pony, Rarity and Flaur de Lis (c) Hasbro

Chuck Lindsneigh, Ace Dandy and Opal (c) me

[kagebros]

Rain (Optimus Prime x Reader)

Summary: It rains during the middle of the night and you go out to cover Optimus to keep him from getting wet. Instead you get wet and have a conversation with him you’ve wanted to avoid for a while.  Warnings: N/A Word Count: 1895

Tags: N/A

It came unexpectedly. Like all weather did. Thunder rumbled above with a powerful rattle, jolting you awake from your sleep. A quick glance at your nightstand told you it was 2:00am. You frown for a moment before your attention is turned towards the window, rain pattering against the glass. 

It’s a sound you’ve come to welcome with open arms and you had to stop yourself from falling asleep to this new lullaby. Lightning struck in front of your window and you sat up in your bed fully this time, realising who was stuck outside in this torrential downpour. You bound out of your bed, running down the stairs to the garage, pressing the button to where the garage door automatically folded itself up. You ran out with no shoes, grabbing the largest tarp you could find before running up to the red and blue semitruck parked in your driveway. You unfolded it, its large expanse spreading and you did your best to pull the tarp over the semitruck, luckily being able to cover him entirely before he got too wet.

“What are you doing?” a deep voice rumbled from the semitruck, sounding like he was just coming out of recharge, especially since a large plastic cover was being pulled over him like a blanket just earlier. He then shifted out of his altmode, holding the tarp over him as rain hit the plastic. “May I ask… what this is?”

“It’s rain, Optimus,” you said, a soft smile graced your face as you looked up at him. You were drenched to the bone from the rain, water dripping down your hair in front of you but you didn’t exactly care. “Our planet releases moisture from the air built up in the atmosphere, since this planet has so much water it just goes up and comes back down every now and then,” you explained.

“Ah,” Optimus said in understanding. “If you were worried about me getting wet, you do not have to, (y/n), I have dealt with far worse. Water will not harm me.” He then noticed that you were starting to shiver, the cold from the rain starting to get to you. “You, on the other hand, seem to be reacting to the rain in a negative way,” Optimus pointed out. He then switched back to his altmode and opened the door to the driver’s seat. “Get in.” You got in, your soaked form sitting on the driver’s seat for a moment before you felt warmth radiating throughout the interior. Problem was you were still in soaking wet clothes.

“Hey, Optimus…” you started. “Is it alright if I take my clothes off? They’re pretty drenched and staying in them is only going to keep me cold,“ you said.

“If that is how you can warm yourself, then please do so,” Optimus said, a hint of worry in his voice. You slipped your shirt off and opened the door, wringing the shirt out under the little shelter the tarp had provided. You slid your pajama pants off to do the same before being left in your boxers that were luckily dry.

“Well, this isn’t how I wanted you to see me,” you laughed awkwardly. You then lied down on the bed behind the driver’s seat, still a little uncomfortable with the situation you were in.

“Is it inappropriate to show yourself like this?” Optimus asked. He was still learning about human culture and how everything worked after all, having landed on Earth just a year ago to rendezvous with Bumblebee. You’d found him in the forest by accident, taking a hike late into the night felt like a good idea to you at the time but then you caught sight of him. Walking in the forest like a gentle giant. You remembered how his optics glowed with a calming blue light as he looked at you, startled for having been seen and running off like he were a deer. Except he’d been easy to track and fairly slower. You called out for him to stop, your voice soft, feathery as it floated in the air. And to your surprise he did. And he has been your friend ever since.

“Humans would call what my current state is as indecent,” you explained. “We don’t like showing our bodies because  the fact that clothing helps shield us from the elements. Sunburn, the bitter cold of winter, at least in some countries, wind. That, and we’re a bit modest, we only really show our bodies to people who mean a lot to them.”

“Like you are to me now?” Optimus questioned. It was an innocent question and one of pure curiosity, after all he was trying to make sense of human culture. You cleared your throat for a moment and then laughed awkwardly once again, heat rising up to your cheeks, a pink tint obviously on them.

“Uh, no, this is just because the clothes I had weren’t waterproof and I don’t want to stay cold,” you replied hastily.

“Then I do not mean a lot to you,” Optimus said, a hint of disappointment in his voice. You felt bad. The disappointment wasn’t obvious but to your ears his voice was dripping with it. You wanted to tell him that he did mean a lot to you but you felt it’d deter him. Cause him to cut off contact with you, especially since Bumblebee, Optimus’ second in command as he told you earlier, had to leave someone close to him as well so as to make sure she was safe and stayed safe. And you knew Bumblebee loved her. Whoever this Charlie was.

Optimus was your friend, that was it. Yet he came back to you every now and then, sitting in your driveway as he recharged or to simply see if you were home. Sometimes he’d be gone for months and appear without any notice. Such attachments are folly, you’d tell yourself. What kind of freak would fall in love with a metal man? Oh yeah. You. But with Optimus, you felt safe. Safer than any other time you were with a man. Perhaps it was the chemicals in your brain that made you feel this way, influencing you to fall head over heels for this giant metal man.

You may not have known it earlier, when you saw him that day in the moonlight, walking among the forest creatures who were still struggling to get used to him. But something did hit your mind when you first saw him. Ethereal.

You came back from your thoughts, looking at Optimus with a sad smile. The last thing you wanted was to lose him.

“Humans tend to place romance above friendships,” you said. “But I know the bonds we make, no matter what it is, mean whoever that person is on the other end will mean the world to you.” Vague and philosophical. Always the best route for you to go when you couldn’t answer truthfully. Might as well sound wise when you lie. Optimus gave a thoughtful hum before falling silent.

“Then the bond you share with me,” Optimus started. “Does mean that I am something to you.” Shit. Well, nice deduction on his part.

“I...” you can’t think of a bullshit answer this time. “I can’t,” you finally said.

“What do you mean?” Optimus asked, he prodded further, attempting to find an answer he’d see fit. You didn’t answer for a while, trying to find the words to give him an answer he would have liked. Perhaps honesty was the best route to go. Lying again... no, he wouldn’t have liked that.

“I’m... afraid,” you finally said. You could feel Optimus shuffle for a moment before settling. “Afraid of what’ll happen if I... if I’m honest about my feelings towards you. Afraid of getting...” your voice grew quieter. “Close.”

“Why?” Optimus asked. You stared up at the roof of Optimus, feeling wherever his gaze was focused on you.

“I don’t, I don’t want you to leave me like everyone else has. I don’t want you to have to leave me like... Bumblebee had to.” This felt wrong. You were vulnerable to the very being you respected and looked up to. Literally and metaphorically. But what was any type of relationship without communication? You considered him a friend, someone you could trust, yet you closed yourself off at times like these because you were afraid. And you hated yourself for that. You let out a sigh and placed your hands behind your head, resting on the pillow below.

“(y/n),” Optimus’ voice then reverberated. He let out a sigh through the vents as if this were a conversation he knew was coming. “There is a reason why I always come back to you. Even after long periods of time.” He paused for a moment and if you could see his face, you could tell he was looking away in embarrassment. “I have found myself missing your presence. Something I haven’t learned to control after all these years of fighting.” You sat up now, sitting at the edge of the bed. You were afraid of loving him. Not because he’d be killed but because you knew the life he led was dangerous. And he’d do anything to keep you safe, keep you out of it. Even if it meant abandoning you. And you knew that. The conversations you had with him gave you an idea of how dangerous it was going to be if you stayed. That’s why Bumblebee had to leave Charlie. Even if he wanted her to come. Even if it meant putting her life in constant danger so he could have her in his life. You gripped the edge of the bed, knuckles turning white as thoughts raced through your mind. You couldn’t bring yourself to respond so you simply listened to the rain. The rain pattered on the tarp above you, your heart calming down as Optimus only listened for some response, not saying a word. You take a deep breath and suddenly feel exhausted. Oh right. It was 2:00am when it started raining.

“Maybe when it’s safe,” Optimus said in the darkness. “When this war is over, I’ll come back to you. And you won’t be afraid of losing me anymore.” He paused for a moment. “There’s a reason you risked lowering your body temperature to come out here and cover me, (y/n). Especially when it took time out of your recharge.” You don’t answer and sat in the dark for a moment before shifting to lie down on the bed again. Optimus heard your shuffling and the two of you stayed in silence for quite a while. When Optimus had thought you had fallen asleep, you finally spoke, quietly in the darkness, barely above a whisper, blending into the rain as it fell from above.

“I love you.”

The warmth from the vents that came from Optimus went on full blast for a few moments before going back to normal, heat enveloping you during those few moments. You don’t hear a verbal response from Optimus though so you turn on your side and shut your eyes, letting yourself fall asleep. Before you let unconsciousness take over, you heard the four words you’d been wanting to hear for a very long time. It’s quiet, gentle, and genuine.

“I love you, too.“

[takaraphoenix]

“I want a dog.” - “I want a cat.” Jagnus

“Pansexual, huh?”, grunted Jace curiously, tilting his head.

Isabelle grinned and tucked her hair behind her ear. “It’s what Simon calls it. Never heard that before either, to be honest. But the color-combination is interesting.”

Apparently, Simon was pansexual – whatever that meant – and was going on a pride. And as his new girlfriend, Isabelle was going with him. Shadowhunters barely had a grasp on gay and bisexual and neither was quite tolerated. That there was even more…? Jace, sprawled out on Izzy’s bed in boredom, looking over her shoulder onto her laptop. She was working on some color-coded clothes for the pride. She also wanted to drag Alec along, because it might help him settle with his sexuality more. He was still struggling a little. He might have come out, but he still struggled with living it out in the open. He had been endearingly flustered when John Underhill had asked him out on a date the other week. Izzy and Jace were still having fun teasing him with that.

“There are a lot of sexual orientations, you know?”, offered Simon with a broad grin. “Don’t tell me the big, bad Shadowhunter’s always ever just seen… straight.”

“I’ve just never thought about… a name for it”, shrugged Jace thoughtfully, looking over at Simon. “I don’t really care. Girls, guys, Seelies, vampires, warlocks… whatever.”

“Maybe you should read up on it too?”, suggested Simon, one eyebrow raised.

“Oh, that color-scheme is nice”, noted Isabelle, not minding their conversation.

Tilting his head, Jace turned to look over her shoulder again. Black, gray, white, magenta. Yeah, that looked more like a color-combo that Izzy could rock. He scoffed lightly when he read what that was the flag off. Crossing his arms behind his head, he collapsed back onto the bed.

“Don’t tell me you’re aphobic, Jace”, grunted Simon with a frown.

“I just don’t get it”, shrugged Jace with a frown. “How can you not want sex at all? It’s fun. And how can you not want anyone at your side…? That’s just… lonely.”

“That’s not…”, started Simon and sighed. “That’s not what asexuality is, Jace.”

Jace frowned confused. He didn’t really have an understanding on any of this – all those mundie terms for what they liked in bed or didn’t like in bed. To Jace it all was just… whatever. But the way he saw it, the way the term made sense, asexual meant no sexuality.

“For one, asexual doesn’t mean aromantic. You can still want someone at your side even when you don’t want sex. And you can still want sex without wanting romance”, started Simon carefully. “And being asexual doesn’t have to mean you never have sex.”

“Yeah, that makes somehow even less sense, Lewis”, pointed Jace out, eyebrows raised.

“Being asexual means not experiencing sexual attraction. But not every asexual is sex-repulsed”, continued Simon. “Some are. Some don’t want any kind of sex. Others are very fine with masturbation, because orgasms are fun. Some don’t mind… uh… you know, getting each other off. Others don’t mind sex at all – for the, you know, release. It’s just that they don’t feel sexual attraction. That’s… really all there is to it.”

“My boyfriend is a walking encyclopedia of sexualities”, chuckled Isabelle amused.

Jace just frowned confused as Simon continued babbling on about the Pride and how excited he was to go with Izzy and how this could be a bonding moment for Simon and Alec and all.

/break\

“I did not expect you to tag along too, Jace”, noted Alec.

“I didn’t expect you to agree to this”, countered Jace amused. “Willingly spending time with Simon? And… you know, being this open about your sexuality.”

Alec shrugged, mildly uncomfortably. He had a rainbow button attached to his black shirt and that was the highest of his feelings, but it was still so much for him. Jace wore a pan button. He had never really thought about labels and such, but he figured there must be something to it. To feeling like being part of something – of a group. A community was what Simon had called it.

“I don’t know”, shrugged Alec, avoiding to look at Jace. “I… took John up on the date. And I figured I should… grow more comfortable with being open about it, because as soon as I start dating someone… I will have to learn to be more open about it.”

“Wow”, grunted Jace surprised, eyes wide.

“What… What about you, Jace?”, asked Alec gently, looking at him.

Jace paused and shrugged awkwardly, not looking at Alec. Everything had been awkward in those past three months. Since they had broken the possession. Since Clary had… died. Jace still didn’t know if he felt anything about that. The potion Magnus had brewed for Lilith, it had effectively broken any feelings he ever might have had for Clary. And even though Magnus gave his magic to break the possession, the potion had nothing to do with the possession, it was strong and irreversible magic. Sometimes, Jace was glad about it. They had told him he had loved Clary and her death would have only broken his heart anymore – with everything he was dealing with at the time, he didn’t know how well he could have been able to handle that on top of everything else.

Over the past three months, Jace had concentrated on getting better. He had been at the City of Bones for two months and had only returned back home three weeks ago. He was better now, mentally. Now he could focus on other things again. Like his sexuality, apparently.

“I’m not interested in anyone at the moment”, shrugged Jace. “I guess.”

“My, my. Unexpected colors on you, blondie.”

Blinking slowly, Jace turned to see Magnus Bane. He hadn’t really seen Magnus since his return from the City of Bones. It was mostly guilt, because Magnus had to give up his magic to save Jace. Apparently, while Jace had been gone, Magnus had gotten his magic back.

“Magnus”, stated Jace awkwardly.

The warlock looked gorgeous in bi-colors. Dramatic and fashionable as always. Handsome as always. Magnus smiled delighted, wrapping an arm around Alec’s shoulders. The two had become friends. While Magnus had flirted with Alec in the beginning, Alec had shot him down, being too deep in the closet at the time. So Magnus accepted it and settled for a good friendship, helping Alec come around on his own sexuality. It was good, seeing Alec actually make friends.

“Ah, so he does still know my name”, chuckled Magnus amused.

“Jace! I didn’t expect you to come along too!”, exclaimed Simon, interrupting them.

Jace scowled and scoffed as they started walking together. “Guess I’ve been… thinking about stuff. You made me think about it, I guess. I never really thought about sexuality before.”

“And you came to the conclusion that you’re pan?”, asked Simon with a broad grin.

Jace elegantly dodged him when Simon tried wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “Yeah.”

Only that being pan wasn’t the only thing he had been thinking about. He had also been thinking a lot about asexuality. It was weird, but the things Simon had said had really confused him, mainly. And the whole thing about sexual attraction and all… He tried reading up on it, on people’s individual experiences. But they all differed so much and he… he kind of wished he had someone to talk to. A real, actual human being who might be able to help him. It was borderline painful to consider asking, but Simon seemed to be the only one who had an actual grasp on anything so Jace might be forced to talk to Simon. What a horrible thought. Making a face, he watched Simon and Isabelle, dance around and kiss. Alec and Magnus next to him were talking casually.

“Why do you look constipated, Jace?”, asked Alec curiously after a little while. “If you’re uncomfortable here, then… you know you don’t have to be here.”

“No, it’s not that. This… is actually pretty cool”, whispered Jace, looking around at all those out and proud people. “I just… think I have to… talk to Simon. Because I might need his help.”

“How utterly dreadful”, noted Magnus. “Well, what is it? I have a few centuries on Simon, I might be of more help than him, you know?”

“I…”, started Jace, shifting a little. “I think… I think I might be… asexual.”

Alec nearly stumbled at that. “You? Sorry. I don’t mean it like that, I’m just… you have so much sex. Seriously, with everyone. Hence that… button?”

“That’s actually not what asexuality means”, supplied Jace. “And that’s why I’m confused. I figured that it was just… not having sex. Not wanting anyone. But it’s just… lack of sexual attraction.”

“But aren’t you more like… sexually attracted to nearly everyone?”, argued Alec doubtfully.

“Not… really, no. I never looked at someone and thought ‘damn, I really wanna have sex with them, in particular’…”, replied Jace with an awkward, little shrug. “I look for someone willing and take them home, without really, you know… thinking on it.”

“And you think Simon is the right person to talk to about your sex-life?”, mused Magnus.

“No”, grunted Jace and made a face. “But he seems to… know a lot about it and I’m just… I’m confused. I’ve been thinking about this for the whole last week and went like… through the different stages of grief or some shit. And I’m just… at my wits’ end.”

Magnus sighed and reached a hand out to rest on Jace’s shoulder, squeezing a little. “How about you come by the loft this weekend? I do know someone who is asexual. Talking to someone with personal experience is definitely more helpful than… Simon’s google search skills.”

“Really?”, asked Jace hopefully, perking up a little bit.

“Why—y are you back there? Come on, guys!”, interrupted Simon with a broad grin.

“He’s right. Come on, brothers”, ordered Isabelle, hooking arms with Jace and Alec.

With that, the conversation was ended rather abruptly, but it was still somehow… fun.

/break\

“I am only doing this for you, papá”, stated Raphael very pointedly. “Because I know what he means to you and because I owe you one for bringing me back to New York. But this is a one time thing, you hear me, papá?”

Magnus smiled pleased and pulled Raphael in to kiss his cheek. “Let’s not mention what he means to me in front of him, please, mijo?”

Raphael huffed but nodded. Magnus’ feelings for Jace did not have to be brought to Jace’s attention. The blonde had made it very clear over the past month that he didn’t care for Magnus’ company anymore. Not that Magnus could hold it against him. It was Magnus’ fault that Jace had lost the love of his life and now he couldn’t even properly mourn her because he didn’t remember ever having any sort of feelings for her. Magnus was the one who had made the potion, after all. It broke all feelings he had for her and as an after-effect to it, Jace had been fully possessed by Lilith. How could Magnus possibly expect Jace to ever return his feelings like that…?

It wasn’t like Magnus had planned to fall for Jace. It had happened gradually, after Jace had moved into the loft with him. Magnus had grown fond of Jace, more than just fond. Perhaps it had been a bit selfish to invite Jace here. He was still trying to make up for what he had done. Yes, he had given up his magic to get him back, had gone to Edom and talked to his father, all to get Jace back. But it still didn’t feel like enough. The potion had been a whole different issue though and Magnus was the one who had brought it on Jace. There was nothing he could have done about it.

“He—ey, Magnus”, greeted Jace awkwardly as he entered the loft. “So who-”

“Let’s get this over with and make it the least amount of painful, yes?”, sighed Raphael.

Jace stared wide-eyed at Raphael for an awkward, long moment. Raphael heaved a sigh and sat down on the couch, motioning for Jace to join him. He was mainly only doing this because he knew Magnus was in love with Jace, but a part of Raphael also did it because he remembered how lost he had felt for years, before the label asexuality was truly a thing to be used. He knew how out of touch the Shadowhunters were with the mundie world, they most likely had no idea about most of the newer terms when it came to sexuality. They were still stuck in their homophobic ways, he doubted they could look much past what else there was.

“Okay, tell me about it”, prompted Raphael, grabbing the glass of wine next to him that Magnus had provided. “Why are we here? Why do you think you might be asexual?”

Magnus left for the kitchen. Out of sight, but still in ear-shot. It was not okay to eavesdrop but he couldn’t help it. Jace all the while shifted uncomfortably, glaring. Raphael Santiago, of all people? The two… No, actually he might be a rather safe choice. The two had absolutely no personal history. Neither positive nor negative. A neutral party, in a away.

“I don’t think I’ve ever experienced sexual attraction”, stated Jace carefully. “I’ve had a lot of sex. But… But it was never about wanting to have sex with that particular person.”

Raphael had to admit, he was a bit intrigued. “Then what was it about for you?”

“Exercise, mainly”, shrugged Jace thoughtfully, pulling his legs up against his chest. “When missions aren’t satisfying enough, it gives me that last kick of adrenaline. Exhausting my body. Sometimes, it’s about… distraction. When I’m having a shitty day, because it’s…”

“It’s…?”, echoed Raphael when Jace didn’t continue.

“Let’s just say, Valentine wasn’t exactly into hugging and family-cuddles”, drawled Jace dryly. “I’m not exactly… used to seeking physical comfort. When I was a teen, I learned that sex is an acceptable form of physical comfort, I guess. I don’t know. Izzy and I, we got drunk a lot and went out to bars to hook up with people. And…”

“And it was kind of what was expected of you?”, suggested Raphael, voice nearly gentle. “A young, strong Shadowhunters, while everyone else was starting to have sex, it’s the thing to do?”

“Kinda, I guess”, shrugged Jace. “Yeah. And I realized it was a good way of blowing off steam and… it was oddly comforting. But I always… loved the part after more, I guess.”

Raphael sighed. Why had he allowed Magnus to drag him into this? He understood what Jace was talking about. Back in his youth, it had been the same for him. A young Latino not wooing the women, back in his day and age? It wasn’t exactly something a potent young man should skip out on. There was a certain social pressure and especially for a young man who had no idea that asexuality even existed…? That there was a term for it, that he wasn’t alone or broken…?

“And that’s it?”, asked Raphael, watching how shifty Jace was.

“No”, sighed Jace, running his fingers through his hair. “It’s… that… relationship with Clary. I mean, I don’t remember loving her, so I have a… neutral look on it and… it wasn’t… it wasn’t good. This girl really mainly wanted my body. She was constantly groping me, even before we got together and that’s kind of… rather inappropriate. And after we got together… After… After I died and absolutely no one but her knew about it, she… She came to my room, not to talk to me, to see how I was handling having died, she just… came to me to make out with me. On the second day we were together, when I was planning a romantic date, she… threw a fit afterward, about how I must not desire her because we hadn’t fucked. In the two whole days we had been together. Back then, I think, it were the pink glasses I was wearing that were so desperate for her attention. But now, when I look back… I just wanted to be… valued. Loved, I guess. I didn’t even really want to have sex with her, because I thought being in an actual relationship meant… more. But she wanted just the same things I had done before, for years. She… didn’t appreciate my attempt for a date at all, even though… that was all I really wanted from her. A proper relationship. Mundie dates, holding hands, all that… cheesy stuff, you know. She… wasn’t really interested in any of that. That was, I think, where I started really… questioning it. Myself. That something must be, you know, wrong with me. Dating a gorgeous girl but wanting everything but sex.”

Raphael nodded slowly, observing Jace carefully. “So you’re not… angry about the potion?”

“No”, huffed Jace with a frown. “I don’t think my love for Clary was ever a good thing. From the get-go. I jeopardized my relationship with Alec, I nearly got us all killed on multiple occasions. She… She brought out the worst in me, when she was around, all I could see was her and I put everyone else at risk, just because I never felt that way for someone and I didn’t know how to handle that. So I… became desperate for her attention… any kind of attention, even when it wasn’t the kind of attention I wanted. I wanted her to love me. Not just to desire me… I guess it’s biased for me to say it, since I don’t actually remember what it felt like to love her, but I’m glad I don’t anymore. What… good would it do me? She’s dead. I hear Isabelle and Simon cry about it sometimes, through the walls… But to me, it’s just… a stranger. So, what do people want? That I’d want my feelings for her back, so I can be heartbroken over her death…? No. She wasn’t good for me, our relationship wasn’t good for me. It literally got me killed once before, it would have gotten me killed again for good in the end, probably.”

“You truly think that your love for Clary is what got you killed?”, asked Raphael.

“She made me more reckless. I made her more reckless too. We weren’t good for each other”, shrugged Jace with a frown. “We went there, alone, just the two of us. And in the end, that’s what got me killed. Running head first into danger with someone as reckless as me. We wanted different things from each other and we brought out the worst in each other. We… we weren’t good together and it would have never ended well anyway.”

“And what is it you want?”, wanted Raphael to know. “Not sex, apparently.”

“I mean, I don’t mind it”, shrugged Jace. “Like I said, it’s… exercise. It’d be something I could do with my partner, I guess. I don’t know. So does that… Can I really be asexual then? I just…”

“Of course”, offered Raphael, his voice unusually warm. “If it is not what you truly desire. If you think you can go entirely without it. If you feel like asexual is the right thing to describe you.”

“Damn”, grunted Jace with a frown. “I didn’t expect you to be this… insightful? Understanding?”

“I remember what the struggle with myself felt like when I went through it”, replied Raphael after a beat. “Feeling like you are only half a man for not enjoying sex the way others expect of you…”

Jace paused and nodded slowly. Right. Raphael was older than he looked. Back in the day, it must have been even harder. It was an odd thing to think, but perhaps Raphael really did just understand what Jace was going through right now and just… provided some guidance that he himself had missed back then. Jace blinked a couple of times and sighed.

“But is it even possible to have such a relationship?”, asked Jace softly.

“Mh?”, grunted Raphael, frowning curiously. “A relationship without sex? Of course.”

“But for… me”, sighed Jace, rubbing his face. “Been doing so much soul-bearing, why not some more…?” He heaved another sigh and sat up straighter. “I can’t quite imagine someone loving me for who I am, I suppose. Love is… not exactly what Valentine liked teaching, you know? And the only thing that ever attracted people to me… is my body. I somehow can’t quite see it ending any differently than it did with Clary.”

“Here. You need a drink”, sighed Raphael and handed Jace a glass.

For the next two hours, the two of them drank, mostly accompanied with silence but also with some stories from Raphael, sharing about his own experiences. Jace seemed to relax more and more into it and talking to Raphael actually seemed to help settle his nerves.

/break\

An unexpected friendship started forming between Raphael and Jace, but both knowing they would earn odd looks from their respective peers, they continued on meeting at Magnus’ loft. Magnus slowly started to join their little meetings, the three of them enjoying the moonlight on the balcony. It took a few weeks before Magnus managed to naturally bring it up how he had thought that Jace was avoiding him. Raphael was running late with clan business.

“It’s good to see you again more often, puppy”, smiled Magnus gently.

A light blush lit up Jace’s face at the familiar but somehow old nickname. Magnus had given it to him when Jace had moved into the loft, saying Jace had looked like a sad, homeless puppy and that Magnus always took in strays in need of shelter. Jace somehow really liked the nickname.

“Mh…? It… really?”, asked Jace slowly, turning toward Magnus. “I… didn’t think you’d want to see me, because you… you lost your magic because of me.”

“I got it back. And I didn’t lose it, I willingly gave it up”, corrected Magnus. “I gave it up to save you, after… after I put you in danger. I made the potion that took your love for Clary away, that allowed you to be possessed by Lilith… I thought you were avoiding me, because you were still… angry about what I had done.”

“She… didn’t want what I wanted. And I didn’t want what she wanted. The logical and best solution would have been a break-up anyway. And… she’s dead, Magnus”, pointed Jace out, eyebrows raised. “And it’s not like you did what you did on purpose.”

“It might look that way though”, sighed Magnus and returned his attention to the moon.

“Why would you?”, scoffed Jace. “Unless you really hate me and wanted me to suffer.”

“Or I really loved you and… me using magic to break your love could easily be seen as me trying to kick the competition to the curb”, offered Magnus casually.

“Yeah, right”, snorted Jace before he started laughing.

He stopped surprised when Magnus didn’t join the laughter but rather looked subdued. Clearing his throat, Jace adjusted to also look out at New York again. Magnus, loving him…?

“So… you were in love with me…”, drawled Jace awkwardly.

“Am”, corrected Magnus cautiously. “I am in love with you, Jace. I worried so much about you while you were in the City of Bones and when you returned… I have to admit, I used every cabinet meeting trying to… get a glimpse of you… Getting over you was a nice concept, but it didn’t work. You being back only brought that back full force. Having you here, now… I just…”

“Mh…”, grunted Jace and nodded, still not looking at Magnus. “What… What do you… want…?”

“You”, offered Magnus honestly, turning to look at Jace’s profile, illuminated by the moonlight. “You know… I’ve… always thought I was strictly a cat-person. Always just wanted cats. Lots and lots of cats. But now I think… I don’t necessarily need cats. I think… I want a dog.”

“I want a cat”, replied Jace and tilted his head. “I mean, I don’t need a cat, but… since… the guy I like really likes cats, I wouldn’t mind cats…”

“But I’d prefer a gentle, soft puppy, if I can have him”, mused Magnus gently, reaching out to cup Jace’s cheek. “You wouldn’t have to… to hang out with cats, if that’s not what you want.”

“Please, stop talking in metaphors, that’s just painful to watch. Jace, Magnus loves you… for who you are. Magnus, Jace while willing to have sex, would like your relationship to focus on… other things. Now, I was promised wine”, interrupted Raphael with a sigh and a roll of his eyes.

Jace and Magnus were both mildly flustered as they turned to look at the exasperated vampire. Magnus cleared his throat and summoned the wine before turning toward Jace one last time.

“I’d like to take you out on a date, Jace”, offered Magnus gently. “And I’m more than willing to take the relationship at your pace. All I want is you, Jace.”

Jace gulped and blinked, unsure what to think of this. “O… Okay. Dazzle me, Bane.”

/break\

Magnus was good at dazzling. Jace couldn’t deny he had a crush on Magnus before, the man was absolutely gorgeous, inside and out. But dating Magnus effectively made Jace fall in love with the warlock. It was all about the romance, the gentle comfort. Dates, walks under the moonlight, traveling the world with portals. There was an insane amount of cuddling.

“Hey”, whispered Magnus with a gentle smile, lifting the blanket.

It was late, or early, depending on how one looked at the night. Jace had just gotten home from a long-running mission. Home. The loft had become home again three months into dating Magnus, because he loved to be with Magnus, to fall asleep in the warlock’s arms, be kissed awake by his boyfriend, have breakfast in bed with Magnus. Groaning softly, Jace collapsed face-first onto the bed. Magnus smiled and carefully pulled the blonde closer until Jace could properly curl against him his head resting on Magnus’ chest and nuzzling against him.

“I love you”, whispered Jace softly.

Magnus’ fingers stilled in Jace’s hair, the warlock laying stiff for a second. “Not… how I expected for you to to tell me that you loved me for the first time.”

Jace paused and slowly looked up. “Is… Is that really…”

“The first time you told me that you love me?”, asked Magnus amused. “Yes, it is.”

“…Ooops?”, offered Jace sheepishly. “I thought I…” He paused and frowned. “I… I didn’t expect to really fall in love with you, but… I did. I love you. I love you. And it… feels right to say. Yeah.”

The smile Magnus offered him at that made his heart flutter. And while Jace knew Magnus desired him, he knew by the looks, the intensity of Magnus’ eyes, he knew that Magnus loved him. They did have sex, because Jace didn’t really mind, but he only felt secure enough in their relationship after he had moved in with Magnus. Feeling like sex was not the only thing Magnus would want from him. That it was more like a bonus. And for Jace, it was still a good outlet for stress, a great coping mechanism and a good way for exercise. He also found that it helped deepen the trust between himself and Magnus. And now he was just absolutely in love with the warlock.

“I love you too, puppy”, whispered Magnus with gentle eyes before kissing Jace.

And oh he did. He had thought he loved Jace before, but ever since they got together? How affectionate and cuddly Jace could be, when he trusted someone, loved someone. Magnus smiled as his cuddly puppy snuggled up to him, sprawled out on top of the warlock, seeking warmth and affection – something Magnus was more than willing to give, knowing he got it back in return.

Slight change of schedule, because what’d be a better time to post my first asexuality-headcanon fic if not Asexual Awareness Week? ;)

Read this here on FFNet & here on AO3

[agentexmachina]

Ace-friendly Stucky Fic Recs

This is just a compilation of my favorite asexual-inclusive and sex-free Stucky fics.

A Life in the Middle by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen) (T | 9,259); Asexual Steve Rogers, Aromantic Bucky Barnes; Warning: brief masturbation

Shield Industries wanted a mural to brighten the foyer of their building. When Steve took the job he was expecting a paycheque and some name recognition, not a crush he knew was deepening into something more.

Bucky was a little annoyed to get stuck riding herd on the artist Shield hired. He was building security 2IC; he didn't have time to stand around and watch someone paint, but it was the CEO's pet project, so watch he would. He wasn't expecting to wind up taking a lot of cold showers. He wasn't expecting to make a friend, maybe the best friend he'd ever had.

Neither of them expected to get attached. Neither of them expected to want the other. Problem is their wants don't align: Steve's asexual, Bucky's aromantic, and nothing's ever going to change that. But love doesn't have to mean sex, romance is only one kind of love, and if two people of good heart want it badly enough maybe they can make a life in the middle.

Scéal by HunterPeverell (G | 3,768); Asexual Steve Roger, Asexual Bucky Barnes

The thing was—The thing was, neither of them were broken. Apart, they were whole. Together they were whole, too. They could be who they were together and knew the other would love them regardless. They could feel complete in a world that told them they were broken and whisper to one another in the safety of the dark, saying, “I love you,” and know it to be true.

Rogers & Barnes: Partners by triedunture (T | 10,510); Asexual Steve Rogers

Steve and Bucky have to pose as a couple for a mission. Nat insists it really is the only option. She's checked.

The complication: unbeknownst to even Natasha, Steve and Bucky's friendship has been rocky ever since Bucky confessed his tender feelings and Steve left him out in the cold. Can asexual, completely-in-love-with-his-angry-best-friend Steve complete the mission and win Bucky's heart?

(The answer is yes. Yay!)

Under Ice by fmo (G | 4,209); Asexual Relationship

'Steve goes to find Fury, who also says no before Steve can get a word out. “It’s not gonna work, Cap,” Fury says. “I know you like rescuing people, but he’s a Soviet assassin with a worm in his brain and he’s in the safest place he can be.”

“I just want to talk to him,” Steve says. “Clint says he might even be close to my age. I think it would be healthy for me to talk to someone who shared an experience like mine,” he adds, deploying his best 2014 talk with almost total sincerity.

Fury narrows his eye at Steve. “Really,” he says.'

Or: despite everyone's best efforts, the thing that seems to cheer up Sad Cap the most is talking to the amnesiac assassin in the cell downstairs. And, even stranger, seems like Cap's actually managing to charm the Winter Soldier into chatting with him like a normal person.

[Not canon with the Winter Soldier film.]

Fuzz Therapy by machine_dove, Sproings (T | 9,573); Asexual Steve Rogers

It took a lot to get Bucky out of his apartment these days.  The kittens were a decent enticement, but the smartass volunteer he met at the shelter was an even better incentive.

Item One by cheesethesecond (G | 2,525); Asexual Bucky Barnes

Bucky was never actually Steve's boyfriend. No one bothers to explain this to Bucky. Bucky acts accordingly.

Head Over Heels by Akru899 (T | 30,819); Asexual Steve Rogers

It's the last day of Summer '88, and the last thing James Buchanan Barnes expected to see was the scrawny kid from school at an AIDS protest. When he sees the kid get punched out, however; well, that's a call to action.

A mostly sugary-sweet 80's AU, complete with track athlete Bucky, shy, skinny artist Steve, Supportive Friend Natasha, and best-mother-in-the-world Sarah Rogers.

Balance by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen) (T | 62,058); Demiromantic Asexual Bucky Barnes

Bucky had heard of Hydra. Everyone had heard of Hydra: they were the unicorn hunters down near the border. The last thing Bucky wanted to do was get mixed up with hunters, but he was out of options. Hydra hunted unicorns, hunters needed virgins, and that was about the only thing Bucky had left to sell. If that’s what it took to get his mom and sister out of their dying town he'd do it.

Indentured to Hydra, deep in the wilds of the hunting preserve, far from the life he’d known and responsible for luring unicorns to their deaths, Bucky had never been more alone.

Until he met the Warden.

Wardens enforced the hunting laws, had done ever since the country had nearly torn itself apart over the discovery that unicorns--beloved creatures, conduits to the gods above--could be turned into powerful magical devices.  Under Steve’s eagle eye Hydra didn’t get away with anything and he was a constant presence, watching over the hunts. But Steve didn’t treat Bucky like a hunter. Steve genuinely seemed to care about him. Steve was always there when Bucky needed him and suddenly Bucky wasn’t so alone.

Special Snowflakes by Carmilla DeWinter (miladys_revenge) (T | 7,345); Asexual Steve Rogers, Aromantic Bucky Barnes

Once upon a time, when people assumed he and Bucky were a couple, it ended in black eyes and broken noses. Times have changed, gay people now get their own flags, parades and even marriage. But the assumption still doesn't, for the life of him, make sense.

Sam just shrugs. “Don't look at me like that, man. I was kinda certain you two would announce your engagement as soon as you'd gotten over your hang-ups.”

But - “We like women.”

Sorta.

Lightning by nightmaresinwintah (T | 19,607); Aromantic Asexual Steve Rogers, Aromantic Asexual Bucky Barnes

Bucky stares at him, incredulous. He doesn’t speak. He knows - he knows. He knows what that means.

“What does that mean? The Latin words,” Bucky asks quietly, barely noticing his voice trembling. His very energy is vibrating - his flesh hand is shaking from where he’s gripping the phone a little too hard. There’s something fizzing in the air between them - he feels like he knows the answer to his own question already.

Steve hesitates. “Particeps anima. Soul sharer,” he mutters, casting his eyes to the floor, unable to meet Bucky’s gaze.

Or; Steve’s a witch, Bucky’s not, and they share a soul.

Not for a Lack of Sweetness by Caledfwlch (orphan_account) (G | 1,387); Asexual Bucky Barnes, Aromantic Asexual Natasha Romanov

Bucky and Natasha have a chat.

Verdant by Zethsaire (M | 1,643); Asexual Steve Rogers, Asexual Bucky Barnes

Most of the other Avengers had difficulty understanding it; both why Bucky would seek comfort that way from Steve when he didn't allow anyone else within five feet of him, and also why Steve let the man who'd nearly killed him sit in his lap like a puppy.

(Asexual gardener Bucky)

Under the Skin by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen) (T | 18,445); Asexual Steve Rogers, Asexual Bucky Barnes

"Brooklyn, like I said," he replied, taking Steve's hand and shaking it, then he paused, tilted his head, and said, "Actually, since you're staff? It's Bucky."

"Bucky," Steve repeated, feeling oddly touched.

 "Always Brooklyn in front of the clients, though," he added seriously.

 "No, of course," Steve promised. "Good to meet you."

 "You too," he said, glancing down to where Steve was still holding his hand.

 Steve let go with a sheepish smile. "Sorry."

Working in a brothel wasn't somewhere Steve ever expected to find himself, but then he'd never expected to quit his shitty corporate hell-job to apprentice as a tattoo artist. Great as it was, his apprenticeship didn't come with a pay cheque, so eating and keeping a roof over his head meant finding a job that paid actual money. Which was how he'd ended up as the night receptionist in a brothel, accidentally holding Bucky's hand, with no idea Bucky was going to turn out to be something else he'd never expected.

Aces and Kings by riviere (T | 10,062); Asexual Steve Rogers

After SHIELD falls and Steve finds Bucky, he hangs up his uniform and takes a long-needed break from Captain America so he can just be Steve Rogers. Meanwhile, Tony convinces Bucky to get a therapy dog in order to help him adjust to his newfound Regular Citizen Life™. As the weeks go by, both Steve and Bucky struggle to deal with their own problems while trying to piece their glass relationship back together without stepping on the shards.

[impracticaldemon]

Kyoto Winds ~ Oni Chibi Views

So... I have lots of neat things to post, for those who are interested, but in the short term, here are my personal thoughts in summary form. Actually, it’s a bit of a long summary - but there are 12 guys, plus there’s Chizuru, plus general, you know, stuff.

No Spoilers except of the most minor “you’ve already heard this” kind.

Overall:  I had a lot of fun. I got to see all my favourite characters again with extra scenes and extra dialogue.  I got to play completely new routes and get even more historical nuggets of information on the Shinsengumi and the various factions.  Also, the game did a better-than-decent job of making some secondary characters interesting.  For example: Having Miki in the game made Itou a bit more three-dimensional for me or at least made the whole Itou-faction-thing more interesting.  So:  I’m happy. 

More below the cut.

Translation:  😢  Just to get this out of the way.  The original translation is so much better than any of the newly translated material that the comparison is painful at times.  It feels as though both the translator and the final editor spoke/knew English only as a second language.  This is clearest in the (poor) use of prepositions and the (poor-to-extremely-poor) vocabulary choices.  I’m a good editor and good with characters and nuance; I wish they’d give me a complete script and carte blanche to fix things.  (Or any one of the excellent editors around here who love the game.)

I’m sad that the new translation work is - obviously - most evident in the new routes, which makes them harder to enjoy.  That’s all I’m going to say on this topic. (Although I will probably post my “favourite” translation error screencaps at some point.) 

Chizuru:  It’s obvious that an attempt was made to improve the depth and quality of Chizuru’s character / reactions.  On a number of occasions where you wanted to shout at her to draw her sword, she actually draws (or tries to draw) her sword.  Aside from clear tweaks of that nature, there are smaller things that relieved irritants I’d had in the past.  In almost all cases, I liked these small but noticeable changes.  ✔️ 🌸

Original Characters:  There were extra bits and pieces that made certain things make more sense to me. Mostly minor, but I found that each route felt more believable. ✔️ 🌸  I would have liked a little more from Okita’s route, but although there is a bit more indication of a softening on Souji’s part and a specific interest on Chizuru’s, the route changed very little from the original. On the other hand, this means that the original characters are still the ones we know and love.   😊

I found the extra scenes in some routes added more than others (Hijikata seemed less remote to Chizuru without changing in essential personality, which I liked; Saito’s personal view of Chizuru is more evident (but I may be biased, because a lot things just confirmed some personal headcanons); Harada’s personal feelings are much clearer and there’s also a stronger sense that he sees the potential problems that could arise from any attachment 💗).  The new material gave me a bit more sense of Heisuke’s increasing/increased maturity; I liked this, since I’ve always wanted to see a bit more of the sheer grit that makes Heisuke hold his own with a bunch of really scary guys like the other captains.  😊

NOTE:  There are lots of things I COULD say (and I have the 100s of screencaps to go with them 😅). If you’re interested in more specific comments on a particular character, please feel free to ask! I’m happy to discuss specific characters and situations and provide my opinion (such as it is).

Kazama’s Route:  I’m conflicted on this one.  If all I could see were Kazama’s general appearances in the game - basically, on the common route - then I’d have to say that Kazama’s extended scenes and dialogue are quite well done. (As a side-note, they’re also better translated than most.) (Oops, I said no more comments on that, sorry.)  🤔

The problem is that while the character presented in Kazama’s special scenes is arguably consistent with his general behaviour toward the Shinsengumi, I remain completely unable to make it fit with the character who on multiple occasions demonstrates wanton cruelty and sheer enjoyment of torture.  The aloof Kazama could kill humans without blinking - I can accept that - but there is nothing aloof about torture for torture’s sake. 😶  I didn’t find anything new in the game that lets me rationalize Kazama’s behaviour (as between routes).  If anything, having a better understanding of the Kazama the developers want to present (who is much as you’d expect, and has been discussed before), makes the incompatibility worse.  🤔

I am forced to believe more in divergent routes with Kazama than with anyone else.  Kazama’s route just isn’t consistent with Saito’s route (especially) or with some of the somewhat similar routes like Yamazaki’s or Souma’s. But I’d argue that it’s now less consistent with any of the other personal routes in which Kazama appears as a specific enemy (including Hijikata’s).   😶

The upside for me is that if I put Kazama’s route in a box, then I find the Kaza-Chi relationship easier to understand/write, because there’s now more to base it on and some actual personal discussion between the characters while the Shinsengumi are still around and not just because Chizuru is forced to rely on Kazama.  🌸

New Routes, Old Characters:

Yamazaki’s route is wonderful, but manages not to be cloying.  There is a rapport between Yamazaki and Chizuru developed throughout the route that I enjoyed very much, and far more honesty of feeling than I expected.  So this was a personal “awesome” for me - this was the new route I most wanted to play, and I loved it. (Again, I can provide more useful commentary if anyone wants it. I acknowledge that I’m probably biased.)  😍 ✔️ 🤗 

Nagakura’s route kept Shinpachi very much in character, but although I was very happy to see a route for him, I don’t think they did enough to take him out of the “friend zone”, despite what the trophy suggested.  Without a doubt, the best part of the route was the final chapter (his “unique” route), and I enjoyed the relationship that they built up with Chizuru - but it still felt a little too much like a very strong friendship or sibling relationship.  (I don’t think there are enough of those, but that’s not what they were going for.)  🙂 🍺  🙂

[TOTAL TANGENT:  OZMAFIA! is a bit of an odd otome game, but it has at least two routes that end with deep friendships and that’s really cool.]

Sannan’s route was extremely interesting and a useful perspective.  It’s also a good reminder that he’s the oldest of the captains-as-furies by *quite a lot*.  Has some incredibly poignant moments, as you’d expect. Still on the fence about the romance, but on the whole they did a good job with the character. Like the other two, I’ll want to play it again.  😮 🍷 😏 

New Routes, New Characters:

😏  Iba Hachirou was a little bit to perfect to suit me, honestly. 😇 😈  His character is written to be handsome, very good with a sword, kind, compassionate, suave, diplomatic, able to be masterful when necessary (although watching him give Takeda a set-down in their first encounter was rather fun), able to be humble with friends, wealthy, self-assured...  And then he gets extra powers.  How do you get character development with all that?  Anyway, he suits his “childhood friend” / “boy-next-door” billing - although it makes you wonder why Chizuru forgot him, since she seems to remember her post-Edo life okay.   [NOTE: I can understand liking Iba, he just didn’t tug at my heart personally.]

I don’t mind the mystical Oni-drama powers thing (i.e., the Demons Bond crossover) - heck, why not, I like writing about Oni powers after all - but with him it became all a little much somehow.  On the bright side, Takeda makes the absolutely perfect comic-book villain! Like, this guy has it all, as villains go.

Last comment & slight spoiler:  In the end, Chizuru seems to have left the Shinsengumi without a word and without any attempt to find out about them; this doesn’t sit well with me (and seemed unnecessary).

😊 🌸  Souma Kazue was definitely my favourite of the three.  I liked the fact that he made mistakes but learned from them. I wasn’t keen at first, since the first run-in with him doesn’t put him in a good light, but later on I found him to be the most human character of the lot.  Also, once he makes a firm commitment to the Shinsengumi, he doesn’t whine.  Bottom line:  he was smart, kind, believable and constantly trying to improve.  Also, his interactions with Okita were interesting (for both characters). [NOTE: I think some might find him to be a boring character; all I can say is that he totally endeared himself to me.]

Souma has the best side-kick:  I truly enjoyed Nomura and sympathized with his disinclination for being beaten up by Shinpachi and Okita.  I thought the whole “Chizuru as senpai” thing would wear thin very quickly, but it was fine - I actually came to enjoy it.  Having Miki (Itou Jr.) as the villain works quite well, especially with Kazama thrown in to really put Souma out of his league.

Minor spoiler: I loved it when Souma told Miki that Miki just wasn’t that scary anymore after fighting Kazama!!!  😂

🌸 Sakamoto Ryouma probably has the most original route, and seeing the game “from the other side” is interesting.  The difficulty here is that I react badly to guys who think / know they look good and say so. 🙄  This means I’m slightly biased against Sakamoto from the start - with apologies to all the Sakamoto fans.  What I can say is that yes, the route may be a little predictable for those who know their history, but I still thought it was neat how they fit things together. 

I struggled to find the romance with Chizuru believable:  her being intrigued by him I can sort of see, although it runs counter to the other routes and her strong loyalties to the Shinsengumi; him being captivated by her is a little odd (I’d find it more believable that he started out using her and then came to admire her, but there’s no indication of that, which is kind of a shame in my opnion). 

Having his buddy Naka-san go bad is very, very predictable.  I refuse to classify it as a spoiler because he’s drawn that way and he’s annoying from the start.

Well, that’s it for this round-up!

I’d love to hear other comments (or questions) - I’ve read some of what others’ have done too, ofc!  

~ImpracticalOni  😊

[bellabooks]

The Case for (Imagined) Queerness in the Works of Jane Austen

As 12 years of mandatory English classes taught us, a book’s impact and importance depend on a ton more factors than just “what the author decided the plot should be.” Every story is contextualized and processed by its individual readers. And if you think you understand the power of this reader/text relationship like the bookish queer youth does, oh boy are you out of your league. There’s an entire ocean of characters out there, and so shamefully few of them are non-hetero. Fan fiction, fan art and extensive Tumblr analyses abound trying to engineer Queer Subtext for any book, movie or television show you can imagine. LGBTQ folk are experts at collecting scraps of dialogue, stray looks or ambiguous moments, pinning them to the cork board of Accidental Queer Representation and connecting them with the red yarn of, uh, Extremely Biased Interpretation? Much like the metaphor in that last sentence, these cobbled-together narratives are often flimsy at best, but we stand behind them with conviction. See? I’m a weathered professional at holding together a trembling, papier-mâché construct despite all evidence to the contrary! Plenty of heteronormative franchises and stories have been given new life by the queer reader’s re-programming, but I have felt mostly alone in my bold quest to Gay Up the works of Jane Austen. These stories all at least partially revolve around the stirrings of Heterosexual Love in the hearts of young women and naturally have been favored mostly by my exceedingly hetero, female-identifiying peers. Therefore I have taken it upon myself to do this heavy lifting on behalf of the Queer Agenda. I have labored intensely for many years, and now at long last I present my findings on a few of Jane Austen’s most notable works.   Mansfield Park for Queer Youth Ah, Mansfield Park. The story of a mousy, impoverished heterosexual young woman fending off the advances of a wealthy and charming young heterosexual man in order to ultimately commit to an austere and boring heterosexual young man. Or is it?   Exhibit A: Mary Crawford, The Original Girlcrush   When Miss Mary Crawford and her wealthy and charming heterosexual brother Henry move into the neighborhood, young Fanny Price and her better-off cousins the Bertrams find their lives turned upside-down. Perhaps not quite in the way you would think. Miss Crawford’s beauty did her no disservice with the Miss Bertrams. They were too handsome themselves to dislike any woman for being so too, and were almost as much charmed as their brothers with her lively dark eye, clear brown complexion, and general prettiness. (Chapter 5) The first half of this excerpt is a very informative piece of intel on the lives of conventionally attractive, straight women. (Finally, Taylor Swift’s #girlsquad makes sense!) The second half, however, is queer as hell if you just believe hard enough. “Almost” as much charmed? Come on, Austen. Just give it to us straight. (Uh, no pun intended.) Everyone is in love with Mary Crawford, which is beautiful and tragic. The Bertram daughters are bound by custom and convention to marry men, but in the depths of their hearts, they clearly yearn to leave it all behind and run away with Mary.   Exhibit B: Wait, Is Mary Crawford after Edmund or Fanny?   The ongoing flirtation between Mary and Edmund is explicit enough. While they turn out to be ill-suited for one another, the initial sparks between them cannot be denied. Only slightly more subtle, however, is Mary’s fascination with Fanny which leads the two women to spend the majority of their free time together. Such was the origin of the sort of intimacy which took place between them within the first fortnight after the Miss Bertrams’ going away—an intimacy resulting principally from Miss Crawford’s desire of something new, and which had little reality in Fanny’s feelings.”(Chapter 22) Mary, girl, we’ve all been there. Experiment away! Bless Jane Austen for this completely unintended example of much-needed bisexual representation.   Exhibit C: Fanny Just Wants a Beard I have always found protagonist Fanny Price’s rejection of rich, effusive and affable Henry Crawford in favor of her stoic and dare I say withholding cousin Edmund Bertram to be one of the most frustrating heterosexual choices in literature, which is already full to bursting with the baffling entanglements of straight people. Ostensibly, Fanny has chosen a life of quiet morality as worth more to her than indulgence and having fun and being happy. And at first glance, the moral of this story seems to be the bland and inoffensive message that it’s actually okay for straight women to love solemn contemplation and quiet alone time and reading indoors on a rainy day. Oh, and being sexually attracted to one’s first cousin too, obviously. But is there perhaps a more original and insightful takeaway from this novel? Of course there is! Arguably, a queer reading of Mansfield Park is the only thing that would explain why in the end, Fanny falls for the least threatening or exciting man she has ever met. It also explains her intense discomfort with male attention. (She’s described in Chapter 21 as “almost as fearful of notice and praise as other women were of neglect.”) She’s not looking for sex appeal or chemistry, because she knows she will never find them in a man, nor does she want such a thing. The best case for Fanny is a dependable and amiable enough life partner with whom to pay the bills, share in life’s various duties and sleep in separate beds. Edmund is certainly that.   Emma, Obviously in Denial   In addition to having the most personally relatable protagonist I have ever encountered, Emma is coincidentally also the easiest of Jane Austen’s works to jam into a queer-shaped mold. You can read a good 85% of this novel as the story of a lady-loving lady in very deep denial struggling with the heterosexual inclinations of all the women she cares for. Unfortunately things go a little off the rails when Emma finally realizes her love for Mr. Knightley, which is difficult to handwave away seeing as how it is actually a rather compelling Heterosexual Romance. We’ll just ignore this minor detail that is arguably the culmination of the entire novel and focus on the rest.   Exhibit A: Feelings? For Men?   We are often reminded in this book that Emma has little to no interest in ever marrying. And why would she? She does not lack for money or status. Her only reason to marry would be True Hetero Love. “I have none of the usual inducements of women to marry. Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing! but I never have been in love; it is not my way, or my nature; and I do not think I ever shall.” (Chapter 10) Okay but is it not your nature to be in love or to be in love with men? Maybe this requires just a bit more introspection, Emma. Indeed, let us examine Emma’s attempted quasi-relationship with Frank Churchill. Emma realizes that she feels left out of all the fun watching her friends fall in love and circle through flirtations and makes the decision to get a crush on Frank with the aim of adding a little excitement to her life. (Relatable!) She notices that there seems to be something missing in her feelings for Frank, but she boldly soldiers on through the motions of being In Love so as to better fit in. Eventually, even Emma, queen of self-delusion that she is, cannot continue to pretend to love a man as anything more than a friend. But, on the other hand, she could not admit herself to be unhappy, nor, after the first morning, to be less disposed for employment than usual; she was still busy and cheerful; and, pleasing as he was, she could yet imagine him to have faults; and farther, though thinking of him so much, and, as she sat drawing or working, forming a thousand amusing schemes for the progress and close of their attachment, fancying interesting dialogues, and inventing elegant letters; the conclusion of every imaginary declaration on his side was that she refused him. Their affection was always to subside into friendship…When she became sensible of this, it struck her that she could not be very much in love. (Chapter 13) Because “I can like Men if only I just try hard enough” has always worked out!   Exhibit B: I Only Sabotaged My Best Friend’s Relationship For Her Own Good   Who among us hasn’t vehemently encouraged our dearest friend Harriet to turn down the advances of a perfectly lovely boy whom she likes very much ostensibly because he’s not good enough but actually because lurking in the deepest recesses of our subconscious, we could not bear to see her with someone else? This is so classic, I could rest my case right here. I probably spent my entire teenhood trying to subtly manipulate my secret lady crushes into dumping their boyfriends. “I lay it down as a general rule, Harriet, that if a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. If she can hesitate as to ‘Yes,’ she ought to say ‘No’ directly. It is not a state to be safely entered into with doubtful feelings, with half a heart. I thought it my duty as a friend, and older than yourself, to say thus much to you. But do not imagine that I want to influence you.” (Chapter 7) I would never tell you what to do! I’m just saying maybe think about it. And while you’re thinking about it, think about the fact that you’re thinking about it. If you really loved him, would you even need to think about it? Makes you think, doesn’t it?   Exhibit C: Serial Monogamy   On the topic of Harriet, let’s take a closer look at a pattern of behavior Emma seems to set up. She was exceedingly close to Mrs. Weston, her old governess-turned-best-friend before this woman had the nerve to move out and get married to a man. Emma, drowning in sorrow at the loss of this relationship, cannot handle being single and working on herself for a while, therefore she immediately turns her faculties to selecting herself a new girlfriend. When Emma decides that Harriet shall be her next life partner, she cleaves to her wholly and immediately. Harriet must accompany Emma on all her errands, must call on her nearly daily and must attend every party Emma attends as well. The poor girl doesn’t know how to exist without being in the constant company of a woman who adores her. Have I mentioned how relatable Emma is enough times yet?   Pride and Prejudice and Homosexuality Yes, Pride and Prejudice is perhaps the most Heterosexual piece of literature ever written at first glance, but please! Do not doubt my ability to make Austen’s most enduring triumph Extremely Gay. I told you I was a professional. By the time my case is finished, you will see that Pride and Prejudice is one of the queerest classic works in the canon.   Exhibit A: Uhhh, Why Do Darcy and Bingley Have to Be Together All the Time?   Darcy has Pemberley. Bingley has enough money to buy any property he pleases. There is no reason these boys need to follow each other from estate to estate, attending parties together, traveling to all the same boroughs. Darcy, if you hate the country so much, why don’t you just go live at home in your home that you own? You know, the home that everyone constantly talks about how incredible it is? The home you can just ride a horse over to right now? That home? Darcy gets a lot of guff for convincing Bingley not to propose to Jane. And yeah, that screams Jealous Secret Crush on Darcy’s end. But one must also wonder why Bingley would have been so very easy to persuade. If he truly wanted to marry Jane, I think it would have taken more than a slight nudge from his platonic best bud to ghost her the way he did. I mean, he didn’t just stop answering her texts. He moved himself and his family out of town. However, it doesn’t seem quite so inexplicable to dump one’s beard at the urging of one’s Secret Boyfriend now does it?   Exhibit B: Everyone Is Gay for Georgiana   “I really do not think Georgiana Darcy has her equal for beauty, elegance, and accomplishments; and the affection she inspires in Louisa and myself is heightened into something still more interesting…” (Chapter 21) I swear to God, no one in this book will ever shut up about Georgiana Darcy. We get it! She’s so very beautiful and kind and charming and talented! The Bingley sisters practically salivate over her. Lady Catherine admires her in her own grumpy old elitist way. Elizabeth finds her fully delightful. Everyone is obsessed with Georgiana. She’s like the Shane McCutcheon of Regency England.   Exhibit C: Relax, Elizabeth, People Get Married.   Elizabeth has decidedly no interest in marrying the human embodiment of Oblivious Mansplaining, Mr. Collins. Elizabeth’s best friend Charlotte Lucas, however, seems to think the constant stream of ignorant babble is worth the cash money. So she locks it down, infuriating Elizabeth. She had always felt that Charlotte’s opinion of matrimony was not exactly like her own, but she had not supposed it to be possible that, when called into action, she would have sacrificed every better feeling to worldly advantage. Charlotte the wife of Mr. Collins was a most humiliating picture! And to the pang of a friend disgracing herself and sunk in her esteem, was added the distressing conviction that it was impossible for that friend to be tolerably happy in the lot she had chosen. (Chapter 22) Lizzy. We get that you weren’t into him, girl, but why are you, like… so upset about this? Could it be that your dearest partner and secret love Charlotte has accepted a Heterosexual Union. And immediately after you yourself made such a display of rejecting one? Ouch!   Sense and Sensibility   Guys, I tried with this one. I really did. But all the women in this book are related and also obsessed with dudes. I thought I could stick it to the straight people, but I must regretfully concede that this task is beyond even my expertise. If anyone has a queer angle on this one though, please contact me immediately. We queers have always been around, even when every offshoot of culture has tried to erase us from existence. Yeah, it’s super fun to retroactively barge our way back into old literature. But it’s also a much-needed assertion that we exist, we matter and we deserve to see ourselves. Even in light-hearted novels about manners and marrying rich and falling in love with one’s first cousin. Ashley Chupp is a Chicago-based writer, crossword enthusiast and frequent crier at the local Trader Joe’s.   Gif 1: fibu.tumblr.com Gif 2: teenvogue.tumblr.com Gif 3: BBC Gif 4: bringmybooks.com http://dlvr.it/PZ94CB

[crow-caller]

iofi for the oc thing bc shes my untimate daughter

all of them? it’s iofiel hour

(edited now that I am done: this legit took like an hour AT LEAST to complete, like wow, god. very long)

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

Angels just don’t got that going on

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

Angels just don’t got that going on

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

Most of the conflict in aduni is internal/loyalty v morals… so no shocking secrets really. she doesn’t even really see archie getting abused for being an imp (a lower class of demon), just kinda decides to be his pal cause he is alone a lot. I think in the sequel she’s seen a few things, but it’s still not like, stumbling on them huge. more like causing.

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

GOOD Q. A: nothing?? angels do not traditionally own much, and honestly have up to three outfits max and that is IT. school supplies. going through the story, she does have at times a glitter pen, a pocket notebook, a bar of soap, and her class schedule.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

Done these before! Angels do not normally dream, it’s very weird if they do. Higher angels sort of exist in a trance/dream state but that’s diff

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

my new oc, guniel. it’s iofiel but with a gun.

WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY IF INSTEAD OF MAGIC EVERYONE JUST HAD GUNS.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

in heaven, she had nothing……. at the uni, she has a poster of archangel michael

wealth accumulation x 100

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

MORE. Iofi is kinda a free spirit, but angels are very modest the archangels are all fashion trenders, but the lower angels are not so brave. it’s still very unfashionable to have no sleeves, shorts. showing stomach is very much, and angels are never naked around each other/do not sleep in underwear (have full nightgowns/never go topless.

it’s notable I say this but then have them. think angels in most art!! a lot of robes. pretty sure iofiel runs around in shorts a few times, and maalik only wears crop tops, but in heaven you’d be very formal. short sleeves are IN according to the archangels but still considered very new.

angel wall for fashion notes. michael in three of these is showing some leg, but I consider the warrior garb an exception? look at uriel on the far left in his full robe, also the white angels in the top right, the orange one behind the blue winged michael- that kind of this is still very big for lower angels.

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

there is…. an event in like chapter 12? fer if you’re reading this I CANNOT spoil it or promise that’s the right chapter, but it’s about there, and she is very scared.

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

well, iofi is very laid back and kind of an idiot, so she’s generally calm? Well, no, she freaks out and worries a few times, but probably not as much as she should.

Can’t think of any one moment. something very early on.

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

Not really, she doesn’t like it much but doesn’t seem to mind. Demonic summoning turns out to be something she excels at, and while she is against killing animals, has no difficulty using their blood for rituals. she still doesn’t like it or feel content, but can work with it.

Does your character remember names or faces easier?

I’m laughing when I consider some people can do either or both when I am near face blind and have no memory for names.

Iofiel is good with names and faces! but she is best with names, I think, at least angels/demons. they come pre programmed in her mind, so even if she doesn’t know the face, if she hears the name she’ll be roughly familiar

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

angels are very anti sin so they don’t like greed or hoarding. some still like, own things and have a nice time, but rarely do any own MUCH. it’s about limitation. Iofiel owns nothing really. she has a coat she borrow-stole from maalik, and her famed archangel michael poster. some school supplies. that is it!

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

Angels don’t really have success or happiness :( they just have a duty! successful angel would be one that does their job well, which is good, but earns them nothing. they do it because it is their job, and may get emotional fulfillment for doing good, may be happy, but it is simply what they are supposed to do.

happiness, too, cannot be prioritized over duty, and does not ultimately matter at all in angelic tradition. some may have diff values.

iofiel’s big struggles are loyalty to angelic values V internal values, and happiness. she is happy to be friends with archie, even understanding they would be/are enemies, but still has trouble drawing the line (which causes trouble later). she wants to be happy and do her own thing, but also finds she can’t put her own whims higher than her duty as an angel without causing trouble.

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

her lovely archangel maalik poster she loves to gaze lovingly at (he is her illegal boyband crush)

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

Wisdom because ambition is too close to sin?

angels are very practical. they do not like art (understand value in human culture but not their own). they do not like philosophy and see no point. (obviously as always this is not universal, but I am rounding, and there are no angels allowed to be artists even if they like it).

so wisdom as in, good advice? inspiring? great. wisdom as in deep thoughts/philosophy, both iofiel and mainstream society would not see appeal of. ambition implies reaching for more, and as said, you’re supposed to just do what you’re meant to do.

(I like ambition in humans but we’re not talking that) (slytherin!)

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

Is… significantly confused on sexuality/romance and doesn’t know how it works? she isn’t even really aware other people have it (she knows maalik is allosexual but still doesn’t really know he is attracted to her, doesn’t even know she is like, really pretty). she is vaguely in a relationship ish (extended friendship) with maalik over the course of book one, but it’s complicated. she is ultimately asexual, and doesn’t really know if she can feel/have romantic feelings

meanwhile maalik is both allosexual ( I don’t use hetero/bi because angels do not really think of gender in same terms, sexuality is just yes/no for them ) and romantic, so he is attached to her friend wise and general interest… which is hard on him. she’s mostly oblivious to this. presumably a bit hard on her.

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

iofiel is a fucking idiot. I think I need to back down on characters who say this, but she really isn’t that smart, and quite unobservant. she kinda just exists in a vacuum.

she mostly feels pressure from the other angels and is fairly upset she doesn’t fit it! she doesn’t fit in because of her own damn choices (and knows that) but still. the cool kids don’t like her much, and obviously the demons don’t either. she goes through some school frustrations too where work is too hard/tough.

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

everything that happens is generally iofiel’s fault, and she’s aware of it. while she is a low brow fool, she does have a good degree of self awareness, and generally blames herself when she gets into trouble. does she ever do this wrongly? a bit. but she does lash out eventually.

What does your character like in other people?

nice people who are friendly…! hard to come by when angels don’t like you for betraying them/possibly ushering in the apocalypse and demons don’t like you because you are the enemy and hanging out with a weird imp. and you’re not allowed near humans. someone who is open minded and relaxed

What does your character dislike in other people?

….prejudice? not giving people a chance? being a general dick??

she’s very simple minded in that it comes down to NICE or MEAN.

How quick is your character to trust someone else?

A little too quick. Iofiel can be naive sometimes, or really not think things through. If they are nice and seem smart.

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

Tough! almost said this has never happened, but it does happen in canon. Does not like to suspect things, think people are all very nice. When she starts to think something is up, she gets very edgy and nervous about it. She finds secrets (negative big ones) disturbing, and it can take a lot of time before she is ok/accepts it and can act on it.

How does your character behave around children?

has never met a children. While she would probably be intimidated and not really know what to do, would be great with kids. very excited to meet one, she thinks they are swell and sweet and very important. great things, kids. she has a friendly and fun attitude that would work for kids, like she wouldn’t condescend

How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

the thing about iofi is that she changes a lot over the course of good angel. while she gets defensive, she doesn’t really do much, and relies on others a lot (but becomes more independent/this changes). while she does knows a lot she is doing is wrong, she does have some defense for it, and would argue it to most people

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

Very rare? (character development happens).

she also would use magic, though she’s not great at it.

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

was never a child and never had any dreams really…. I think in an idealized world archangel michael her idol would take her own as a personal assistant and she could illegally swoon over him all day while also savings the lives of children and being a guardian angel

does not happen

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

To a degree beyond some curiosity, sex. not big on most things people find gross (blood, bugs, vomit). doesn’t like alcohol much but does keep trying it.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

Having a nice walk in warm spring weather in nature. in a big field. wings out, feeling the wind, hearing bugs and birds…. maybe with a friend or two. a picnic would be fun! climbing a hill and just relaxing togehter

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

having a deadline, and people relying on her. having to read a big book while in the same room an authority figure is waiting for her to do something. it’s dark and inside and quite cold.

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

To be fair, does not face like any critique in the book to my knowledge, problems are just diff than that. more self deprecating beyond what I’ve covered above. she has some defense for her choices, but not all. depends on who is talking to her, also, and what tone.

school work wise she just feels she is pretty hopeless, sometimes motivated to work and improve but still not great

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

Just whatever one she FEEEEEEELS should work/is right morally over multiple approaches.

How does your character behave around people they like?

very chatty, friendly, nice. blabbing a lot, enthused. smiling. will just keep talking

How does your character behave around people they dislike?

Moody, talking less, very nervous, clearly afraid. not adding much but sometimes saying too much/rambling

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

HMMMMM

I do not think either really apply……… honor? Iofiel is very adamant she is not a betrayer/ evil angel despite hanging w demons, studying demon stuff. she wants to make it very clear she is a good angel doing good things and means for the best, please do not come after her for it.

she already ruined her status by doing the above

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

This is answered clearly in canon…..

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

No, she’s never really interacted with animals, just seen them

How does your character treat people in service jobs?

She does not have money and has been in a store once. but very nicely, very politely and casual. does not know normal social norms. will take a ‘how are you’ very literally and friend like.

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

Iofiel thinks she deserves some respect/general politeness, but her heed to authority does mean she wants to earn whatever she can. angels do not have things just given to them, so the mindset is there (they don’t have things at all!)

she doesn’t have WANTS really either, I suppose. please be nice to her. she feels she is owed that right

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

No. you could probably say archangel mike is ‘like’ a parental figure, but I would say much more he is a boyband crush/idol since he does no raising.

oh, I guess when iofiel was just brand new she was taken in by an ophanim for the week, named ambriel. that was as close to parental as you can be. she hung with the weird angels and they yelled at her (they only can yell, not speak)

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

So she does say I love you twice, once to archie and once to someone else… but not in the real grand way. but it’s not impossibly hard for her, does not have the full weight it sometimes has in society. she wouldn’t lie about it even if she could.

she uses it in a friendly ‘I care a lot’ way.

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

When she dies she’ll be remade into the next iofiel, and this does not scare her because it always happens to angels. at a certain point, when she’s made enough mistakes, she is looking forward to it. the next iofiel would be better than her, in her viewpoint