#he didnt know a single moment of peace in his entire life up until only a few minutes before Dying

[a-caterpillars-world]

you're gonna be ok, kid

don't tag as ship

[miakataylor]

Newt x reader ~ A Cold Bed

I woke up, and the first thing I noticed was that I was in a cold bed.

I pulled the blanket up under my chin and reminded myself that a cold bed would be the only thing I'd ever wake up in again.

It was one year today. One year since I watched the love of my life die in my arms. I didn't want to get out of bed, but there was to much to be done. This wasn't a free for all. 

Everyone else seemed to know about it too, because all day I kept getting worried glances from my friends and curious ones from the other immunes. I wanted to snap at them, tell them to shuck off, but I knew they were just worried. But I didn't want them to worry, I just wanted to forget. 

I hadn't said much after... well, you know. And I didn't sing anymore either, my music and inspiration leaving me when Newt did. And it had been that way for a whole year now, not a single thing changed. 

At lunch, I grabbed an apple from the kitchen and walked down to the beach. There were a few couples there, spread out so they could have their lunch dates in peace. I wondered what it would have been like, if he was here-

'No.' I shook my head to clear my thoughts and moved on, not looking at them again as I made my way around them to where flat rocks jutted out over the ocean, and I sat down, tossing my apple from one hand to the other.

I wasn't really hungry. I had just grabbed it because I knew that if I didnt, someone would come "check up on me". 

I never really ate much anymore, but no one else needed to know that.

I sighed, and smoothed my - his - jacket down and pulled it tighter around my shoulders when the wind blew in from the ocean.

It smelled of salt and of so many other things I couldn't place. It was a small I couldn't quite explain, but I had loved since the first time I had smelled it.

I closed my eyes and let the wind blow my hair back from my face, enjoying the scent and taking in the rare moment of peace. Then that moment was broken.

I heard someone approach the rock where I sat, and then felt as they plopped down next to me, not bothering to open my eyes and look to see who the intruder of my peace was. 

"Hey." It was Minho. "Watcha doin?"

I didnt answer, instead leaning over and resting my head on his shoulder. He smelled like the ocean, too.

He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. "I know you probably don't want to hear this," he began hesitantly, pulling his head back to look me in the eyes.

"Minho, if this is about Newt...." I looked up at him, my exhaustion showing through. I didn't want to be reminded of everything I had lost, again.

He disregarded it, and continued on.

"But you really do have friends here who will help you move on if you would let them." I sighed, defeated, and looked back out to the ocean.

My friend continued in a quieter voice. "You know Newt wouldn't have wanted to hold you down after he was gone. I think... I think it's time to let him go."

When I didn't respond to that, he stood and began walking away, leaving me to think about his words. As he left, he was met by Brenda.

" Minho, y/n. There is a new group that just came in, and it's got a lot more people than usual. Vince asked for your guys' help."

"Alright." I stood up and followed them, slipping the apple into my pocket for later. 

This happened quite often. More people, mostly kids like us, made their way here looking for refuge, a home, protection from WCKD and the Scorch.

Minho and Brenda jogged ahead, but I was in no hurry. It's not like there was a push for time. Here, we had all the time in the world to do anything... and sometimes, that could be a curse. More often than not, I would sit alone in my thoughts... and that's when the feelings I tried so hard to push down got the better of me. 

When I reached the group, I could tell something was off. While the other immunes got the newbies, or Greenies, as we still liked to call them, all settled in, taking names and what not, I saw a group of people- my people-  not moving, just staring with shocked expressions on their faces, a few even crying.

I froze. What had happened? Did someone get hurt? Even though my mind was racing with every possible way something could have gone wrong, my feet wouldn't move. 

Then, Thomas launched himself forward, then Minho, then Brenda, and Gally wrapped his arms around the group. It took me a moment before I realized they were all hugging someone.

Minho was the first to pull back. "Wait until y/n gets here!" I heard the person receiving the affection say something, but it was to quiet to hear and I could barely make out a voice at all. I took a small step closer. 

Minho answered with, "Yes, of course she is! That girl is stronger than all of us shanks combined." The group laughed, some through their tears, and Minho turned to look for me.

I didn't move. I wasn't sure who, or what, waited for me, and when Minho's eyes met mine, I could tell he was crying.

He gestured for me to go to him, but I didnt move, my feet rooted to the spot.

He came over to me and slung an arm around my shoulder, guiding me towards the group. "Minho... what happened?"

He didn't answer, and I could feel my heart beating faster than it should have been, out of fear or excitement, I wasn't sure.

As we approached the group, my friends pulled back to reveal the object of their affection and I felt my heart stop. My breath stuck in my throat and my hand flew to cover my mouth as my eyes began to water gainst my will.

"Newt?"

It was him. It was Newt.

His hair was longer than I remembered and his skin was darker from the sun too. But it was him, really him.

An agonizingly long moment passed when all we could do was look at each other, take in the differences since we had last seen each other, trying to accept the fact that we were actually there, together again.

Then everything seemed to happen all at once. A loud sob escaped my lips amd we rushed forward, me falling I to him and him wrapping me in a hug so tight I thought I'd feel it forever. If he hadn't been holding me, I would have fallen to the ground, my knees felt so weak.

I released a sob into his shoulder, my head trying to decided if this was real or not, and my heart hoping it was. 

 After a moment, he pulled back and looked into my eyes with his own dark ones. I touched his face, moving my hand across his jaw, up his cheek, around his eye, down his nose and ended on his lips.

"You're really here..." I was shaken, sure I was dreaming. "I watched you die..."

He shook his head. "WCKD found me. Well, what was left of WCKD." He glanced at Thomas when he said that. "Saved my life, gave me the cure... then tried to use me as their lab rat again. I got away, thanks to what was left of that Lawrence guy's army, and then it was arranged for me to come here with the next group...."

Vince walked up to us and shook Newts hand, beaming. "Its good to have you back with us. You've been... very missed."

Newt nodded his thanks, and pulled me closer to him, if that was possible.

After Vince had walked away, he tucked his head into the crook of my neck and whispered against my skin, "God, I missed you so much."

My tears began after that, and entire years worth of unfathomable sadness and bottles up grief pouring out in that moment. I cried, letting out all of the anger I didn't know I had stored up, all of the pain I had felt, all of the loss. 

"Promise me," I said through my tears, my voice breaking. "Promise me you'll never leave me again. Where you go, I will go too."

"I promise... where you go, I go."

Later that night, there was a celebration to welcome the Greenies to their new home. "How does it feel to be a Greenie again, Newt?" Fry pan teased at one point. "Better than you can imagine," he laughed, looking at me.

After catching up with the others, Newt led me back to our now shared hut, and pulled me into a hug.

"Y/n?"

"Hmm?"

"Will you marry me?"

I pulled back to look in his eyes, see if he truly meant it. He held my gaze expectantly and I felt tears sting my eyes once more and I nodded my head, unable to say anything for fear I would break down again.

"I love you so much," he said, his voice thick with emotion and his accent as soft and as strong as I remembered it.

"I love you too," I whispered, and kissed him without thinking.

He held my neck with one hand and pulled me closer with the other, kissing me back with the passion of a long lost lover.

We broke apart finally, our heads resting against each others as we breathed.

Then he picked me up and carried me over to our bed, kissing me all the way.

That night, just before I fell asleep, I heard him whisper, "I have been so lost without you... and now I am home."

I smiled for the first time in forever and drifted off with the thought, 'I'll never wake up in a cold bed again.'

~ 

8/10/21

[vennilavee]

Im going through geto brainrot so i need no 51 with geto just imagine dancing in the kitchen with him in the middle of the night and AAAAAAAAAA

sldkfjsldkf i didnt follow your prompt exactly, i went with what the prompt itself stated. but maybe ill write another one with dancing in the kitchen

a/n: background gojohime, pining. happy belated to my aquarius king<33

As Utahime’s close friend and would-be-bridesmaid (if she had chosen to have bridesmaids), you are surprised that her wedding is as low-key as it ended up being. After all, she is marrying the Gojo Satoru, the flashiest man in existence. But in the last few years since Gojo and Utahime stopped sneaking around and started dating, he’s mellowed out considerably. You were in disbelief initially, like everyone else (except for Suguru). Your little friend group has paired off for the most part- Shoko and her girlfriend Sora that she met in medical school, Nanami and his fiancee that he met at the bookstore, Mei Mei loves being single too much to be ‘tied down’ as she says, and now Utahime and Gojo…

Which leaves you and Geto Suguru. There’s always been a funny little push and pull with you both over the years. Some years, it’s more intense than others- it feels like you can’t get him out of your bloodstream and he buries himself in your life.

And then other times, you both take space from each other for a long few months. Sometimes you can’t stand that he’s not yours, not in the way that you want him to be at least. There have been many moments where you think Geto might whisper into your skin that he loves you and kiss you until you can’t breathe.

But they never come, instead you’re left empty and wishing and wanting.

There were almost moments when you were in school, and then in college, but nothing as intimate as when you both tumbled into adulthood together. You wish you had the courage to just ask him. But maybe tonight is the night. Something about a wedding and a wedding reception makes you feel like little pink hearts are beating in your eyes.

There have been too many times where Satoru has urged you and teased you (while in the presence of Suguru), when he’s referred to you both as an old, married couple whenever the two of you bicker or try to diffuse Satoru’s antics before he gets out of hand. You don’t entirely disagree, but Suguru doesn’t reply. He only has a small smile on his face and looks away from you.

You stand away from the sea of couples as a slow song plays on the speakers and you watch as the dance floor slowly blooms with more and more couples joining Utahime and Gojo. It’s likely one of a few slow songs that Utahime and Gojo have chosen for their party- neither of them are particularly sappy in that regard.

You can see from here the absolute peace and happiness radiating on Utahime’s pretty face. Even Gojo has nothing to say to her as he twirls with her and holds her close. They both are so content and in love with each other that it makes your aching heart settle.

“Hi,” comes a voice to your left side (you alright know who it is). Suguru stands next to you, hands brushing against your own. As if teasing you- asking you if you’d like him this close.

“Hey,” you say simply, not turning to face him. You decide to take the leap and intertwine your fingers with his, the warmth of his palm familiar.

He smiles to himself.

“Will you dance with me, darling?” Suguru nearly purrs, squeezing your hand in his.

“Was waiting for you to ask,” you say with a soft smile. His dark eyes brighten, lips pulling into a small smile before whisking you away towards the dance floor.

“You look…beautiful,” Suguru murmurs, leaning in as his lips brush your ear. Your arms tighten around him- suddenly you feel a little shy. But it’s Suguru, there’s nothing to feel shy about.

“Thanks,” you whisper, meeting his eyes, “You do, too.”

And he does- after all, he’s Gojo’s best man. His navy blue suit is fitted to his frame and you won’t deny the fact that your eyes linger. The stretch of fabric across his arms, his thighs, his chest…

You clear your throat before your thoughts can wander.

“Can you believe they’re married?” you laugh softly, “Who would’ve thought?”

“The way they used to fight…” Suguru shakes his head.

“They still fight like that,” you reply pointedly, “They always had those feelings for each other, I think. Look how in love they are…”

“Definitely.”

“You knew it, too.”

“I did…” Suguru trails off, “Can I be honest with you?”

“Sure,” you shrug, your heart beginning to race. You follow his lead as he sways with you, his hands warm on your waist and fingers splayed over your lower back.

“I thought we’d get together, too,” Suguru confesses and you gasp, “Before them. Before anyone.”

“It doesn’t have to be a competition,” you joke, trying to mask the sudden nervousness that comes with vulnerability. He squeezes your waist as if to reassure you, as if he knows.

“Am I too late?” he inquires, eyes too solemn for a night meant for happiness.

“N-no, not at all,” you answer quickly, in one breath.

“Then I’m going to kiss you,” Suguru says softly, cradling your face and suddenly your eyes close as his lips press against yours in a tentative, curious kiss. You melt into him, knees nearly giving out as the weight of years of waiting and wishing and wanting collapses onto you both like a dying star.

You smile at him, bright and beaming when you pull away. Suguru doesn’t want anyone to interrupt this moment (despite being literally in the corner of the dance floor). You touch your lips in disbelief before murmuring-

“We definitely should have done that a long time ago.”

And he kisses you once more, feigning ignorance to Satoru’s sharp exclamation of ‘finally!’

tags: @kentobean @aeanya

[keytomythoughts]

Perfection Imperfections | Chapter 1

Chapter Index 

»»—————————————-　

Finally, summer break. It’s been a while since I was able to go home. Having to attend high school rather far from my home in Seoul, I never thought that I’d adjust to the new environment. Fortunately, I wasn’t entirely alone, since I stayed with my aunt for the four years of my high school life. School wasn’t so bad, but the homesickness is what killed it for me. Even though it was my parents' idea to send me a rather vast distance—me not being too excited about it, but I knew I wouldn’t get my way in the end—there was some good that came from it. The two only good things, actually. 

I glance outside the train window, the buildings of Busan zooming past me. Sure, it may not be my home, but I won’t lie. I’m really going to miss this place. My phone suddenly vibrates in my lap, glancing down to see a text from my group chat, smiling as I respond.

(Binnie)

R u still on the train?

                                                               Yeah have been for the past like 30 mins

(Eunuwu) 

Going back to ur parents? Or r u moving out?

                                                                                                                      Funny

                                                                        Yk I can’t move out, at least not on                                                                            my own. My parents won’t allow it

(Binnie)

:/

What about Jaehyun?

                                                                            Idk, they rlly dc what he does tbh

                                                                       They’re just hell-bent on me getting                                                                                    into the top schools and shit

(Eunuwu)

Damn, rough

                                                                                                                        Mhm

(Binnie)

Try talking to them, u never know

They might change their minds?

                                                                 Nah, I already know how it’s gonna end

                                                                         Me crying and stuffing myself with                                                                           pints of ice cream

(Eunuwu)

Doesn't sound so bad

(Binnie)

¬_¬

(Eunuwu)

Except for the crying part ofc

But c’mon it cant really be THAT bad

I’ve been over plenty of times, they seem nice

(Binnie)

U’ve been to her house??

                                                                         Yeah him and oppa are friends too

(Binnie)

Righttt forgot lol

                                                                  And that’s bc you were there dumbass                                                                    and half of the time ur either in oppa’s                                                                    room or out somewhere

                                                                  Interaction with my parents = minimal

(Binnie)

That sounds awful ngl :( sorry Hyuna

But hey we should all hang soon!

(Eunuwu)

I’ll be in Seoul for the summer too so y not?

                                                                                                           I miss y’all :’(

                                                                   Ok I should be there around like 5 ish                                                                     so I’ll text then

(Binnie)

Aww I miss u toooo 

(Eunuwu)

*puke*

                                                                                           Shut up, ur just jealous

(Eunuwu)

Me? Jealous?? Of what, ur face?

Yea no thx, Ive got a great face already

And personality 0:)

                                                                               Gr8, explains why ur still single

(Binnie)

LOLL

She got u there bro

(Eunuwu)

Shut up

Ur talking as if u’ve got a gf

Idiot

(Binnie)

At least I didnt reject them as coldly as u did lol 

                                                                                             See? My point exactly

                                                                               Your fAcE scared off every girl                                                                                   in sight bc of tht pErSoNaLiTy

                                                                           I almost feel bad for them, u little                                                                             heart breaker

(Binnie)

He made a couple of em cry I heard

                                                                                                                     Rlly?!?

                                                                                                                         YAH

                                                                                                               U MORON

(Eunuwu)

Bin wtf

(Binnie)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

                                                                                    U JERK HOW COULD U??

                                                                                              Those poor girls omg

                                                                               Im so kicking ur ass when I c u

(Binnie)

Me 2

(Eunuwu)

Wtf?? Y???

(Binnie)

No reason lol, just feel like it

                                                                                         And this is why ily Binnie

(Binnie)

:D <3

(Eunuwu)

GROSS

                                                                                                        Can it u demon

                                                                                                         Read 4:02 PM

I snort, turning off my phone and placing it back down on my lap as I go back to staring outside my left-hand window again. Meet Cha Eunwoo and Moon Bin, my two best friends. The only reason I got through high school how I did without major setbacks. Sure, there was the occasional homesickness and all, but had I not met these two, I probably wouldn’t have even attended and graduated. 

Being so far away from the place I grew up never really suited me, and they saw it right away from day one how lonely and upset I looked. I didn't seem to fit in, especially since I skipped a grade and was placed in classes that were very advanced for me. Not that I minded the vigor, but it was hard for me to socialize, let alone make friends. 

That’s when I met them. Freshman year in homeroom before my first literature class. Moon Bin, a boy with parted, coppery-golden hair accompanied by his shy, puppy-eye smile and sweet nature, offered me an empty seat next to him in class, even going as far as to share his textbook and asking how I found the school. No doubt, I was embarrassed and immensely shy, stuttering over my words and failing to meet his soft gaze. However, he didn’t make fun of me nor find me odd. All he did was smile, laughing lightly at my slightly flustered state. He stuck his hand out, introducing himself (most people just call him Moonbin or Bin) with that smile of his, thus the start of our new friendship. Since then, he became someone who always knew how to cheer me up when I was feeling down. No moment was ever dull with him by my side. 

Eunwoo, the tall, brooding black-haired and charismatic student almost everyone knew (and crushed on) of, was usually with Moonbin when we hung out together, but he normally kept to himself. Though quiet and sometimes reserved with his intimidating looks, it didn’t take long for him to break the ice with us, the three of us becoming close friends. Promising to stay like this until we went to college and beyond. Regardless if we all diverge and tread different paths, we would always converge and come back to one another. 

Four years flew by and graduation was upon us. Just like that, the two became like family to me, my ride-or-die duo. The two who were able to turn my world upside down, finding solace in a time where I thought it was nearly impossible for me to.  

My thoughts are interrupted by my “Move” ringtone—yes, I’m a huge Lee Taemin fan—looking down at my phone again to see it’s my brother calling. I sigh, picking up the call.

“What?” 

He gasps dramatically. “Is that any way to address your loving older brother after being away for so long?”

I snort, shaking my head. “Loving my ass, oppa. How are mom and dad?”

“They’re fine, living. Didn’t you tell them you’re coming home?”

“Nope, I don’t even text them that often. You already know this..”

He sighs. “Yeah, I figured.” 

There’s a slight pause on his end, but he continues. “You took the three-thirty train, right? So you’ll be here around five or so?”

“Yeah, give or take.” 

I look out the window again to see the endless stretch of greenery and flowing springs, sometimes even children playing in the fields. I grin mischievously, deciding to poke fun at my brother when he doesn’t respond right away. 

“What, you miss me?”

He makes a sound similar to throwing up. “As if. I got so used to the peace and quiet. I’m not ready for it to go away.” 

“Yah!” I realize that I had yelled a bit too loudly and eyes were now trained on me, and I bow my head in apology. I lower my voice, “You’re such an asshole.”

“Oh, I know, but you still love me anyway.”

“Shut up.”

I can hear his laugh resonate through the phone and a smile unknowingly tugs at my lips. I wouldn’t say it out loud, but it’s true. When I lived with my aunt in Busan for the duration of high school, I missed Jaehyun a lot. Though two years older than me, he didn’t seem to alienate me the way my parents do. While I hate the notion that they spoil Jaehyun endlessly and let him do as he wishes, I won’t lie and say that he was a prick about it. He could’ve been, but he never came off as selfish. I’m really close with my brother, shocking as it may be. Sibling relationships are like that—one minute you want to strangle them with their intestines and the next you’re singing duets together. Crazy, but that’s how it is for us. My parents don’t really pay me any attention, so Jaehyun decides to do that instead. Not complaining though. I’d rather take his pranking and teasing over my parents’ demands and reprimands any day.

“Aight, I’m heading out for a bit. Text me when you arrive.”

I smile again. “Will do, but make sure to get me food!”

“Let me think…” He hums, and I can practically sense the smirk on his end. “Nope. Get your own.”

“Oppa!”

Jaehyun laughs. “See you in a bit, Hyuna. Get here safely. Bye!”   

He hangs up the call before I get a chance to retort, and I scoff. Typical of my brother. He knows how much I enjoy street food, and every time he goes out, it’s almost certain that most of the time he stops somewhere to eat. Did he ever bring food back? Sure, but by the time I’d get to it, most of it was gone anyways. That only lasted a little while before I had gone upstate anyways, so he had more food for himself, I guess.

As the train barrels down the tracks, I feel my heart racing in excitement, but there’s also a slight ounce of dread. I really don’t know why. I want to believe it’s because I’ve been away for too long, but part of me knows it’s the fact that I’ll have to face my parents again. Knowing that I only have two months to decide where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do, I know the bitter truth is that those decisions won’t be left up to me. Last time, I was sent to Busan.

God knows where I’d be sent to now.

***

“Final destination of the KTX Busan-Seoul train at Seoul Station is approaching and will arrive at 05:30 PM. The doors to alight are on the right hand side. All passengers are requested to dismount the train upon arrival. Thank you.” 

That’s my stop.

Gathering my bag and hand luggage, I patiently wait for the train to pull up at the station. Seeing the familiar shops and buildings around me makes my legs bounce up and down in both excitement and anticipation. 

Four long years away from Seoul...

Before getting off, I quickly text the group chat and then my brother, letting them all know that I’ve reached safely. Side-stepping the other passengers exiting the subway doors, I carefully land onto the platform with my luggage in tow. I breathe in the air around as I stretch my arms up into the sky, the grin widening on my face.

It sure as hell feels good to be back home.

I try my best to maneuver through the crowds, but it doesn’t stop the rush of people knocking into me. At times like these, I curse my genetics for favoring my older brother instead of me in terms of height. Eventually, I come to a clearing and when my eyes glance upwards, I spot a rather familiar dark brown-haired six-foot-tall male amongst the small crowd waving me over.

“Hyuna, over here!”

I gasp, my eyes widening. “Oppa!”

He smiles as I begin walking towards him, my feet hurriedly moving across the concrete. The distance between us shortens and I abandon my luggage as he opens his arms wide. 

Only for me to sucker punch him in the stomach.

He yelps in pain, grimacing as he holds his abdomen. “Shit, that hurt. What has Aunt Sua been feeding you up there? Rocks?”

I smack his shoulder, my blood slightly boiling in anger. “Yah, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?! Do you know how much money I blew off for the bus fare?”

He straightens his back before going to rub his shoulder, then behind his neck.

“Fine, fine. My bad. I wanted to surprise you, but I guess that didn’t work, did it?” 

I cross my arms over my chest, huffing in annoyance. He sighs, nodding.

“Okay, okay, I’ll compensate you. Dinner’s on me.”

At this I grin, blinking excitedly. I grab onto his arm and shake it vigorously. “Really? You mean it? You’re the best, oppa!” 

“Look at this brat..” he taunts, shaking his head. In a flash, he headlocks me and rubs the top of my head harshly with his knuckles, upsetting the neatly-tied auburn ponytail. 

“Yah! Quit it!” I smack his arms and flail in protest, but he chuckles, saying this is what I get for cunningly finding a way to exploit him the minute I stepped back into Seoul. 

What can I say? It’s a talent. 

He lets go eventually, and I try to smooth down my already-tangled hair. I grumble incoherently but Jaehyun pulls me into his embrace, wrapping his arms around me. His free hand gently pats the side of my head in comfort.

“Welcome home, sis.”

I stand there stiff for a second before hugging back. He squeezes me tighter and I find myself smiling into his shoulder. 

“Good to be back,” I whisper. 

We stand like that for a moment before he pats my back a couple of times, us pulling away from each other soon after. He reaches behind me to grab my hand luggage as he shoulders my bag. I tell him that I can carry them just fine, but he starts walking away from the platform to the parking lot. I call out after him as I run to catch up, and I can see the corners of his mouth twitch. Jaehyun leads me to his car, a sleek matte-silver convertible Mustang. My mouth drops open in shock at its stunning beauty, my body forcing itself to remain composed for the sake of avoiding public self-embarrassment. 

He throws my luggage in the back seat before he turns to me, smirking at my expression. “You like it?”

“Shit, do I like it? I love it!” I run my fingers over its metallic surface, the silver exterior gleaming in the evening glow. Grinning, I stare up at my brother who catches my gaze as I stand next to the driver’s seat, my fingers already curled on the handle.

“Can I—”

“No.”

“Please—”

“Nope.”

I pout as I pull my hand away and step to the side. Jaehyun chuckles, rubbing my head playfully before getting into the driver’s seat and starting the car. The engine purrs to life as my brother pulls out his shades and wears them. He looks at me and cocks his head to the passenger seat. 

“Don’t just stand there. Get in.”

Smiling, I quickly make my way over to the other side and slip into the passenger seat. I barely have time to buckle in before Jaehyun speeds off. I scream in fright, but he laughs heartily, telling me to let loose.

With the wind harshly whipping around us, I close my eyes and tilt my head upwards, absorbing the remnants of my childhood in a place I’ll always call home. A place where my heart always feels at ease.

My name is Jung Hyuna. I’m eighteen years old, and this is my story.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 |  

[truthbehindthemysteries]

✨Yօʊ'ʀɛ Nօȶ Gօɨռɢ Aռʏաɦɛʀɛ✨

Dhawan!Master x Reader

Summary: Despite traveling through all of time and space with the Doctor's best enemy, you still can't escape the bad along with the good. Lucky for you, you're not alone... even if it is with one of the if not THE most dangerous being in all the cosmos.

Warnings: Angsty Fluff, Sickness and all that comes with that, Blood and Gore / Violence

A/N: This was a requested fic { I am so sorry it is late ; life has gotten busy and ofc wack } about an adventure going wrong near the end for the Reader and the Master showing a side to themselves that no one else see's, not even their old friend/enemy the Doctor."}

We got to go, this place is going to blow. Run!" , the Master said as he grabbed you by the arm and lead you into a sprint. You breathed in and out roughly, heart racing as you followed him, using all the strength you had to push you forward, you both getting as far away from the destruction as you could while being shot at with deadly lasers with equally deadly consequences from them. You and the timelord had gone to the planet Androkeyos after having heard a tip from an anonymous person that the place should be checked out. Something weird going on there involving people going missing, mutations going on from experiments, a rare object at the heart of it all. Now in the thick of it, you two were trying to escape. The people there were dying off and were trying to make their race survive. Gone twisted with desire and frustration, they started experimenting on their own people with dangerous fuels, toxins, and poisons to change them to be able to survive. But now the mutations had gone rogue, too powerful for their own leaders to control, killing them off and threatening other planets if they escaped off their planet and into the stars - wanting to make others like them and kill off the rest who they saw as useless. Ducking behind a pillar, you and the Master stayed quiet, his hand over your mouth and you felt him against your back as he surveyed both your surroundings, waiting for the right moment to start running again, his other hand holding the Securya {the rare object} tight in his grasp now hidden away safely in a pocket. Once the coast was clear, you two began running again. "This way, that corridor, up the stairs, take a left and third door on the right. " he whispered to you, taking your hand and you and him got faster in your speed, eager to get into the room where his Tardis was located. You and him were just about there when more of the Androkeyo mutations came into view, swiftly moving about as they shot at you and the Master. As he fiddled with the door to get it open, you saw a shot coming right towards the Master who had his back turned. Taking the chance to protect him as he often did with you, considering you were so fragile in comparison to him because you're human, you took the shot square in the chest right as the Master grabbed you roughly and pulling you into the Tardis at the same moment. You both could hear the ruckus of the enemies trying to get inside the ship but the timelord was too focused on you. You who had stupidly decided to take a shot that could either mutate or kill you if you didn't have the antidote. In a risk to save his life where he was much more likely to survive it. Pain racked through your body from where the shot originated. You could feel an intense burning shooting from your heart through every nerve in your body. It hurt to breathe and when you moved, you felt shaky. The Master not only felt an intense anger to go outside his ship and slaughter every single one of them on the planet until everything was drenched in blood aside from the fire, ash and smoke and dust. He also however, felt anger and frustration for you. Not surprised as this wasnt the first time you risked your life for him but also that you would put his life over yours when he was far more capable of surviving in comparison to you. Frustration when you didnt have to get shot and there could have been another way. Lucky for you, he had the Securya on him. Had he not found it, things may have gone downhill more than they already have. Seeing the look on his face, you grit out through your teeth as you tried to push him away to no avail, "Just focus on getting us out of here first." to remind him and he growled lowly under his breath, moving towards the console and pressing buttons and pushing the lever to get you both gone. The wheezing of the Tardis started along with the up and down motion of the main part of the console and you did your best to hold on from where you fell in front of the doors from the inside of the ship. Not knowing where you both were as his ship landed, all you could focus on was trying to pull yourself up by your hands. Having instantly heard footsteps coming your way, you would have fallen were it not for the Master catching you with an arm around your waist and pulling you to him. He could sense how bad it was for you and he couldn''t help but be worried. He would scold you later however. "Don't even bother trying to move on your own love, it's just going to be worse on you.", he remarked when you started to protest as he picked you up bridal style and started carrying you into the depths of his ship towards the medical bay. You were known to be rather stubborn when it came to things and you never wanted to be seen as weak. Too bad that when those moments come, trying to act as normal can be taxing and take out of you more. You frowned but slowly nodded as you buried your head in his chest. His arms like a safety net, you held on for as long as you could, not wanting to go anywhere. With him, it felt like home. With him, it felt safe. With him, you felt peace and happiness among all the chaos and the madness. Slightly jostled awake by him demanding you stay awake, you slowly opened your eyes and looked a little around, seeing yourself in the medical bay as the Master gently put you on the gurney table and got to work. Using something clearly alien and advanced tech, he moved it over your body in an up and down motion to get a reading. His jaw tightened as he released a breath, shaking his head. "What is it?" , he looked towards you then away as he continued, "Youre in the beginning stages of mutation. Thats why you're feeling that burning all inside you.. starting from your heart? " , he didnt need you to nod to get that confirmation. The look in your eyes said everything. "Its going from the start of how you live to all throughout your body because that change happens everywhere. It's trying to rewrite you from the inside out. From that, comes the poisons and the toxins, trying to wash out the old..." , he remarked as he got a needle and injection, taking the Securya out his pocket and hooking them both up together and extracting enough of the liquid that was in the rare object. You shivered, whether it was out of shakiness or the needle, you couldn't really tell.You didn't like either possibility.  As he spoke, he also brought out a weird looking thing that you could only assume was a stethescope mixed with a temperature monitor. He came over to you. "You won't be you anymore and you especially wouldnt be if i didnt take that damn rarity.", his voice went steely and scolding to you, a stark contrast from his gentle ministrations towards helping you sit up, the pillow behind your back supporting you up. "Now open your mouth and stay still. When i tell you to take deep breaths, you do so. Ok?", You nod and as he pressed a button, your mouth falls open in what could be considered a cute O face, but minds were not in the gutter, they were out in the open with clarity towards the given situation. Feeling part of the object under your tongue, you two waited a little bit before it popped out your mouth. Right after, the Master replied, "I need you to breathe now Y/N.", he instructed and you did as you were told, breathing deeply in and out a few times until he gave you the go ahead to stop. As he took notice of that and the readings from the temperature, you lied back down, albeit weakly. "You're burning up.. Well over 100 and your heart is pattering away like a hummingbird's wings.", he said as he put the stethoture monitor { ;) } down and came to you with the needle that held the Securyan liquid. You trembled, looking at the size of the needle. Couldn't be too bad right? You clearly dealt with worse on Planet Earth, anywhere else you traveled with the Master in the past and you would give anything to be rid of the pain overwhelming your entire body. By the look on his face towards you out the corner of his eye, you didn't need to express that you were starting to feel more than just burning. It was becoming much more harder to breathe as the Master put pressure on a perfect spot to put the needle in. The other side, he held onto your arm and one hand of yours overlapped his to hold on tight just in case. "This is going to hurt so if you need to, squeeze tight onto my hand.", the timelord told you, voice oozing with not only concentration and seriousness but a tint of worry as well. "Just put the damn thing in and get it over with." , you spit out, your other hand clutching at the table sheets under your back and as you did, he inserted the needle in. Almost instantaneously, the pain became unbearable as you tightened your hold both on the sheets and his hand until your knuckles turned wide. As you struggled slightly from where you lay, he laid his free hand over your chest to hold you down. "Try and stay still Love, this will only get worse if you don't." , You nodded despite the tears pooling out your eyes, vision going blurry and you almost barely felt the needle coming out of you. "Look at me Y/N", and you did so. You saw a flurry of emotions in his eyes, all of the same you have been seeing but more softer. "I know you feel sleepy but it will all be over, i promise. Try and get some rest. I'll be here when you wake.". Vaguely through the pain and the Securyan liquid going through out your body, you felt the burning go into a gentle cooling more as the time passed by BUT as well as the exhaustion, you slowly fluttered your eyes shut after you murmured out an "Okay." As you felt the embrace of sleep overtake you, the last thing you felt before you saw black was the brushing of lips on your forehead. -Sometime later- Opening your eyes, the first thing you saw was the med bay you were in, the Master right by your bed in a chair, eyes immediately turning towards you.The first thing you felt was much better. The pain was still there but the nap must have done you a universe of good if the negatives in your body was more dull and faint. Maybe this was more than one being not limited to the Master, but to overall that you should not over exert yourself and put yourself into things that could be avoided. To essentially 'cool it' and calm down. "How are you feeling?", he inquired and you were just about to turn to him and answered when he cut you off, "No. Scratch that, because i can pick up on everything about you, let alone your body more than anyone else can since i'm who you're around most if not all of the time.", his voice showed how steely and negative feeling he was earlier. Well , still technically and you bit your lip, knowing what was coming. Though it was sort of deserved, you wouldn't feel bad about that decision. You were protecting someone you loved, simple as that. "What the hell were you thinking? You could have die- no , you would have died were it not for me. You're human Y/N and I'm not, did you ever stop to think that maybe i don't need saving?" You frowned at him, equally letting out the frustration and worry and anger you felt. You understood where he was coming from because he was by all means fully able to take care of himself in anyway but if it werent for obvious moments in the past where even he was bested. You think he would know that not even he himself is truly invincible. "If you didn't need me, let alone anyone to save you, then you wouldn't have gotten into situations that required anyone to be your hero Master. Yes, you're a timelord but that doesn't make you inescapable to pain or death, you know that!" "I don't need you to save me Y/N. I'm not some damsel in distress that needs someone over his back and shoulder looking out for him." You reeled back from that, quiet for a few moments as he stared you down, trying to get you to see where he was coming from just as you were on your own end towards him. You never treated him like a child, you fully knew well enough that you're not him mother. Especially with how you feel towards him , how dare he insinuate that when it wasn't true. "You see it from your end and you try to make a point but you're not even considering where i was coming from it. You are the farthest thing from a child to me." Your voice broke as you tried to stand, being able to on your own now without the timelord's help. "Really, then what am I to you huh? , because from where i stand, you're a coward not admitting what you feel when it's obvious through your words and actions." Was he really that thick? Maybe not because by his words, he clearly knew and was hinting it to you just to get you to finally let it out. He is a stone cold brilliant genius as once said by his frenemy, the Doctor. Blood boiling over but in a mix of frustration and affection, you shouted, "I love you, you damn bastard. Why else do you think i risk my life for you, why i travel with you and chose you over the Doctor? Why do you think that i would clearly put myself into a position to get sick and infected, even die for you?!" By this point, he was within a few centimeters of your face, You continued before he could. Your voice softer now, "When you love someone, you don't walk away. When it's real, you dont walk away.. you run towards. You go through the good and the bad together. Yes, i'm going to suffer in sickness from a mistake, as you put it, that i made. I love you Master and maybe to others, that would be stupid and idiotic, dangerous and insane. But I care, so sue me for caring. Sue me for giving a da-" Hands pull you forward by the elbows and lips collide against yours. Cut off from speech, you gasp into the kiss he gives. It's all lips in a guided tango of love and passion, release of feelings and the frustrations starting to subside on both ends. You clutch on tightly to his collarbones, fisting the top of his waistcoat in your hands, moving your lips in synch with his. A sense of relief that you got the antidote, that you and him talked and expressed, that while you would be sick as an after effect of the mutation poison and the dose of Securyan to heal you, you would get better. You were with the Master, safe inside his ship. You were h o m e. Pulling apart, he rested his forehead against yours. Breath's mingling and getting breath's back, he spoke quietly to you. As if you two were the only ones inside the universe, let alone his ship which of course was true considering he didn't let anyone else in, unless it were the Doctor. You chuckled inwardly at the thought. He was your very own right now. "Just promise me, please. You have to take better care for yourself. You're worth so much more than an ending like that." He said. You wrapped your arms around him, despite the dull pain, coming of the sickness while at the same time being fought off to heal. "Don't want to get rid of me huh?", you teased lightly before biting your lip, starting to feel nauseous. Sensing it, he helped lead you to a nearby toilet, holding your hair back as you released your stomach of it's contents. "Oh love... you're not going anywhere if i have anything to say and do about it." ------------ The next week or two was more or so the same. Essentially confined to the ship because further adventuring while you were healing would prolong the process of you getting better. You would have a bruise where the shot had hit you, you would throw up occasionally, even with blood {which died down and stopped when you got another Securyan dose as needed.} , weak and dizzyness, even a back and forth of a stuffy nose and a runny one, a sore throat. Each in time became duller and then faint, followed by going away completely, even your breathing got better to the way it was before you got shot and sick. You chuckled as you got dressed for the day in your's and the Master's bedroom on the Tardis, the old girl fiercely protective and .loving/etc towards the both of you, especially him but you for how you are with him and how you are with her, the ship. You thought over some moments, now that you're in the third week. At the start of this third you had starting getting better to tip top shape. Now you just wanted to tell the Master. A smile comes to your face as you thought of moments before. No matter how gross of color and consistency the vomit was, added addition of blood occasionally. No matter how sick you got in different ways, he was there every step of the way now that you both had an understanding, especially more so than before. No matter how many times you fought him due to stubborness to see if you got your strength back or out of frustration of trying to get things done yourself out of not wanting to be seen as weak or an invalid. No matter how much you bleed, he took every bruise and hit and grossness and gore you tried to inflict on him because he knew that you didnt regret your decision persay but that you felt guilt at not taking things into account that you should have with him. He knew that it meant nothing too really, when you always apologized to him after. Sometimes we all need someone, even if we don't want to admit it to anyone , let alone ourselves. Coming out of your shared bedroom, you moved through the halls and corridors, the ship with ease, leading you to where the Master was, in the kitchen. You leaned against the door way, smiling at him as he seemed to be making breakfast. How charming. You almost would have moaned of how delicious he makes things but you wanted to surprise him. You didn't know how good this might go since he so quickly got onto things, especially with you but still, let you have some fun. In an instant, you jumped on his back, legs wrapping around his waist, hands at his shoulders and you whispered into his ear "Gotcha.", before you kissed his cheek and moved to jump off. "Now that was very rude Y/N", he remarked, instantly turning you around so that you were both on the floor, the wind out of you as he leaned over top of you, eyes burning into yours with happiness, amusement and mischief. You felt a mixer of eggs, herbs and cheese around your body as well as floor and the sweet exotic smell of something you couldn't identify. You wondered what it was. You giggled, looking up at him, seeing crumbles of buttered bread in his hair and little sausage links on the ground. Even when looking a mess, he still looked beautiful but with that expression, made it all the more funny. "Feeling better i see to cause a ruckus as usual." You smirked , "I can't help myself, you make it so easy." "Even when you're at my mercy now, underneath me with my body on top of yours?" , he hinted, his voice taking a coy tone. You narrowed your eyes, seeing what he was planning, "No.  you better not, i sw-" , you tried to get away, kicking out from underneath him to try and get him and move away but he caught you just as you moved to get up, sending you back down to the ground. "Master, come on!", you squealed as his hands trailed all over your body, sending you into a fit of laughter as he tickled you everywhere, his grin on his face knowing he won. At some point he stopped, he turned your face to his with a hand cupping your face. "Feeling better i see. You ruined the breakfast i made for us. What are you going to do about that?" , he threw at you as he hovered over you. "I don't know, i think you might have to just deal with the mess... I'm kidding, im kidding!", you laughed as he moved to tickle you again. "I'll help you clean it up and remake it, how about that?" "Sounds like a deal Love.", he remarked, helping you stand and you returned his mischievous smile before following through with getting the kitchen cleaned up as well as you two and then making the breakfast. Who knew that suffering from danger would lead to such an outcome? There was no where else you would rather be and as you shared a look with him, enjoying the start of another day together, you knew he felt the same.

[p1nkwitch]

If I may one last director's cut: And the Nightmare Collapses? 👁️

Ask as many as you want i dont mind.

Oh my monster au, what to say? I had this in the backburner for a few months now. Originally i was going to make a series of one shots from different characters perspectives.

So first it was going to be Jon waking up from the coma and realizing that everyone were monsters but him sort of like a walking dead scenario. I had the clear picture of him seeing Georgie in her hald deaf state being like, what the fuck happened???

Now the entire idea came to mind with how pissed off i was at everyone in season four acting like Jon was the worst for no discernable reason. Like, Melanie, Basira and Georgie, all treated him in different levels rather cruely. Georgie wasnt so mean, but she was playing blind eye to the whole thing being fucked.

So Jon is the only one who remains human because he tries so hard to keep his humanity despite everything. While everyone else becomes more monstruos, Basira and Melanie in particularly were much more affected, i had a clear vision of a slaughter Mel. But had to keep it brief since Georgie wouldnt want to dwell on her becoming a monster, since now she had no way to deny it. Daisy gets a pass because while on the coffin she regains her humanity by her regret of what she became, its why her changes are minimal in the text.

The other one shots were supposed to be from Elias and Peter perspective with the last being them reuniting.

Now my original idea had no reasoning as to why they were monsters all out sudden. Its not until i realized the potential of the entities just dropping in a world similar enough where they already existed and they end up overcharging, while still carrying the vestigies of the apocalipse that i went like-

Hoy fuck.

Ultimately i am happy with the one shot the way it came out, with Elias being able to see, he was capable of tying up those little threads i wanted to make and make the reference to having an anchor. Anchors tie you to humanity, people are fundamentaly capable of good if they wish too, kindness even in the face of despair, destroys the horrors of the world.

The world wont fix itself, but you adapt and grown and try to make it better.

Now as for the story itself? I just wanted to go buck wild with the scenery of reality fracturing itself and Elias just losing it while perceiving the horrors and understanding far more than possible.

I like eldritch horror i just dont use it enough, or horror shorts in general, maybe i should put up the small ones i made in tumblr they are like a paragraph long each.

For realsies, I really like the idea of monster Elias for several reasons and i wanted to go with it. I have another different take on this verse of how things pan out too, but i will see eventually if i want to write it. There is... also the horny aspec of Peter being, as the fic implies, a monster fucker, not really he just loves Elias whatever shape he comes even if its some weird owl spider thing. If i ever feel brave enough to go thought it in an extra will shall see.

Anyways Jonah goes through life replacing people while manipulating them and toying with their sanity like he did to the ogElias in his interview. Despite being beholding, as per the soup theory, at this point he also represents the stranger, web and spiral fairly well. I have a soft soft for him losing the ability to recognize himself after a while. Because as i pointed out? He kept sort of a more or less stable life, sure, but it must be jarring having to go from one face to another, to have to pretend to be someone else, at least enough that its not glaringly obvious that something is wrong.

So he loses it. The fears overcharge and it all stacks up on him, causing his transformation to be so strong, it ends up consuming him. Not only that but he is vain too, so to be changed into something so horryifing it breaks something else in him, it gives him the idea that no one could want him now, he cant make people do as he says like this, he doesnt know himself and now no one would want to know him anyways. The more he changes the more he loses his sense of self, its not only him, he was so many people it feels weird to be just him, it doesnt fit anymore, so through the story he starts to use they until its what he mainly uses at the end, because he grows and its happy with it by the very end.

His body changes when he doubts himself, the more time it passes the more he forgets. Now the main reason he didnt become a puddle of ink and die, was because as i mentioned he thought about being alone, and it made him think of Peter, that was his last connection, the last thread to a humanity he wasnt sure he still had. When he thinks that he loves him, even if a little, its enough to let him move.

That small lifeline is what actually saved him and what kept him more or less stable for longer that he would have otherwise. Same goes to Peter whos last action before becoming one with his siblings was pick up the phone, the same though went through him, its why even if he was already at the brink of being melded he kept himself alive for longer.

Then there was the idea of copies.

Because, eyes? just the eyes?? I know it works with supernatural energy but, the doubt, the idea or posibility that Jonah Magnus actually died the moment he transplanted his eyes the first time and that Beholding merely put the copied memories of Jonah that it reatained into the new body was such a good concept, i have a special love for it, to not be sure if you are you, but ultimately chosing to live your life despite knowing that you may not be the real one.

I like to point out at the end that he does, that he is the original and that he is not a copy but... its not really proof, Jonah wants to believe it is. Wether is true or not? Thats up to anyone.

Also his monster concept, i toyed with a few options, and ended up adding it somewhat in the final product, originally he was going to be sort of an owl monster sort of mixed with a cat, no not for the joke, i saw really nice fanart of owlcats and i was in love. But as it is i went with something similar to his body in the afterlife beach party.

Instead of tar it was the ink of the letters he wrote, the static remains because he doesnt know his face anymore and he wont again. The fur... i just wanted something nice for later when Peter made his appearence, less sticky more fluffy. 8 arms like a spider, more eyes because of beholding- you get it.

Speaking of Peter!!

Here is the deal, i know or at least believe that the curruption? Is the oposite of the lonely and viceversa. Wanting to be alone vs being consumed by what you love? Perfect.

So the Lukases become amalgamations of fog trapped in a hive mind that they cant escape from. Forced to be together and then to be alone once someone manages to impose themselves like Nathaniel did. Peter could have theorically left his siblings become him, after Elias saw them, but in this, the closenes they shared was enought that he could not do it. <3<3

I wanted to play with the fact that being stuck with so many people, mainly his sisters while slowly melding into one, made him switch from pronouns feeling comfortable in all of them. Lydia, Judith and Clara were all nice and accidentaly he wanted to feel that nice, so he switches more often to her. It too, because at one point he was litreally nothing since the rest were rather happy being one.

Reality check comes and they all realize that, oh shit we fucked him up. Hence the road trip, unfortunately the melding was inevitable, either they became one or someone took charge. Still it gives them time to bond too, which adds to the decision to let them stay with him despite everything. Peter plays into a similar idea, but from a different perspective, you lose yoursef but become a different person. Luka is all of them being at peace with being one, being happy and wanting the same thing, but still mantaining some way to be apart. If i was being sappy i would liken it to a fusion in Steven Universe.

It wasnt as such at first, but later once Peter is the main body they can do it with less fear of dissapearing. It is also true that his feelings bleed out onto them and likewise to him. Its hard being a single being while simultaniously be 5 people in one.

They do love Elias, except for Clara who is mostly just enjoying the company while judging everyones tastes. It is also true that if this hadnt happened they would never have tried it. But life works oddly. Plus they are happy.

The world cant be fixed, but life sort of goes on and people adjust as they can.

Final note? I really, reeeeally wanted to have JME corpses just drop and have everyone freak out. There was a brief idea of having them alive and react to what they did to the world, but i did not want to deal with that many explanations. So yeah, they are dead.

AGAIN SORRY FOR GOING OFF!!! I NEED TO BE STOPPED.

D:

If you want to ask something in particular go ahead i have the ideas still fresh for this one in my head.

[mousehole5000]

tgcf again chapters 174-191. im now midway through book 4. pain and suffering. and yet also.... this is really good.... but also.... pain...

okay cave of ten thousand gods everythings coming out into the light.... xie lian pretending not to hear fengqing drop their act im emotional..... fengqing silently working together to separate xie lian and hua cheng im emotional..... every word that comes out of mu qing’s mouth im emotional....

honestly reading the xianle trio discussing hua cheng.. its very hard for me NOT to project all the times ive been in a friendship trio and someone got a boyfriend the other two didnt like (which was every time. theres never been a bf everyone liked. sometimes i was the one who had the bf. there were no winners then and tbh i predict there will be no real winners here as far as this friendship goes but such is life)

mu qing is so smart he’s clever he’s tricksy i love it i love him ugh

“A pair of arms had circled around him from behind, and hugged him with force all of a sudden. Xie Lian had buried his face in his back, and also didn’t speak. Though nothing was said, it was enough.” okay i cant get into every different way im feeling about whats going down bc it would get Too Personal but this..... im emo. also xie lian saying “something like this has to be said clearly“ and then proceeding to not say a word just going in for a hug is a mood

“He heard Hua Cheng’s staggering voice coming from above. “...Your Highness. You really…will be the death of me.” - ok well DONT SAY THAT!! now im worried!!!

“Hua Cheng, however, only snorted, appearing as if his eyes could see through the thick rocky walls. He said darkly, “Don’t worry. If he kills one, I’ll make ten more. Fast and furious like the storms, I will never back down. Let’s see who’s the one left standing in the end.” Xie Lian’s heart skipped a beat for some reason, and he mumbled inwardly, “... Oh no, this is bad.” Even though Hua Cheng’s expression was subconsciously displayed, Xie Lian really was quite weak to this aggressive and rebellious confidence of his.” - fjadskfajsl its okay xie lian honey you never know whats going to do it for you

okay so are the murals and statues are only from the xianle era? im hoping hua cheng didnt secretly follow xie lian during his time as a mortal during the entire 800 years and then pretend to a total stranger that would be too much imo lets see. i still really do get why feng xin and mu qing are like “...dude wtf lets get out of here stay away from that guy” (also tbh probably if theyd all managed to stay close... this probably wouldnt be happening which isnt a judgement im just saying bc thats definitely how ive felt about friendships) although this whole thing IS indeed tinged with homophobia which i still dont think makes sense in this setting but whatever i guess.

BOOK 4!!!! im scared

“A few days ago he nearly fainted, and it was only after that did he realize it was because he hadn’t had anything to eat for several days.” - unfortunately relatable but :(

“Ever since Xie Lian was young, he had never had to consider these kinds of affairs, and this was truly the first time in decades that this problem gripped him. However, if gods didn’t even know what starvation felt like, how could they possibly understand the feelings of a starving worshipper? How could they possibly empathize? At this point, he could only take this experience as a form of training.” - TRUE THO!!!!!!!! i like seeing this even tho the circumstances are sad

wait does xie lian get his bad cooking skills from him mom? im gonna cry...

“After returning to the city, Mu Qing’s stomach was still turning. He said as he stumbled, “I thought…that porridge, it smelled like bran water, but I hadn’t thought it’d taste like it too!” Feng Xin gritted his teeth. “Shut up! Don’t force people to remember that pot of stuff! The queen is…body of ten thousand gold after all…never cooked…this is already…UGH!…” Mu Qing humphed. “Did I say something wrong? If you didn’t think it was like bran water, why don’t you…go ask the queen to grant you another bowl! UGH!…” The two were heaving back and forth, and Xie Lian grabbed hold of the both of them, patting their backs.” - xianle trio.... including simply because it made me do the pleading emoji in real life..... also the way the queen wanted to feed all of them... weeping

i didnt realize that mu qing would still be around during this time.... god the fact that i know theyre all going to split......

“It’s precisely because it’s a time like this that money has to be brought up!” Mu Qing countered. “A time like this? What time is it? Time when we’re starving! It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to admit it, but nothing can be done without money! Can you both not just suck it up a little bit?” - mu qing i love you. god.... for real the fact that he comes from a completely different background than the other two is so important to his character and i think it shows so much in the way he continues to be in the present. he gives me the vibe of someone who is smart and hardworking but is bitter about it and tbh!!!! i get why he is!!! he’s very aware of these kinds of concerns bc he’s had to be, while the other two kind of think theyre above it and its a big difference between them. he’s still separated by the circumstances of his birth despite how much harder he’s worked to get to where he is.... ugh painful and delicious

i really am enjoying the xianle story tbh. xie lian going from his highness, favored by heaven, well-intentioned but lacking in experience and understanding to living in poverty and fighting with mortals who disrespect him. fucking delicious i mean this sincerely and respectfully im sad but i really like his character arc. and then to how he is in the present....

“Mu Qing looked at him, speaking not a word. Then he bowed deeply and really turned around to walk away.” - OH NO ITS HAPPENING AHHHHH ;_; honestly all of this hurts but it feels real like i think mu qing has every right to want to leave honestly and he DOES have other family and other ambitions outside of the trio... and i get why feng xin is mad about him wanting to leave when theyre suffering!! and i get why xie lian lets him go.... friendships are hard man and the pain of them splitting is rough!!!!

“Mu Qing’s departure had really shocked him to the core. First, he had never thought that someone so close would just up and leave. Second, Xie Lian had always believed in “forever”. For example, friends would always be friends forever; no betrayal, no deception, no breaking up. Perhaps there’d be times when they’d part, but it for sure wouldn’t be over reasons like “life is too horrible” - pain. just pain. same as above i get it but it hurts

“Xie Lian didn’t know too well just how much money would be considered normal when buying over ten lanterns, and he never looked at the price tag when he purchased things in the past.” - i feel bad kicking him while he’s down and he’s still trying to be kind even when it costs him but this is the first thing that came into my mind

but also oh?? spirits of soldiers from the battlefield you say?? hmmm i wonder... who.... could possibly be among them....

“If you remain forcibly, you won’t be able to rest in peace,” Xie Lian said. The nameless ghost didn’t seem to care. “I pray to never rest in peace.” -  i cant lie this legit gave me goosebumps lol

“Xie Lian himself was alright in suffering through it, since there were far too many other things to worry about. But his mother, who had lived a comfortable, luxurious life, when had she ever done such crude labour? But if the queen didn’t do this work herself, who else could take over?” - hmmmm!!! housekeeping!!!! it matters!!!! rich people dont appreciate how much until they have to do it themselves!!! but this still makes me sad

oh god THATS when they pawned hongjing?? with the king sick and mu qing leaving?? :(((( even more emotional about its appearances in the present day

“That passerby chuckled. “You don’t know? This is too exciting! The servant is beating the master!” - oh god the dramatic and ironic timing of it all

god..... this is just... a sad time....

“MU QING ISN’T LIKE YOU ALL. HE’S MY FRIEND, HE WOULD NEVER HELP YOU!!!” [cut to] “Those were the only words echoing in Xie Lian’s mind, but he couldn’t utter a single sound, and could only crazily grab at anything at his disposal to throw. He didn’t care who he was hurling at, either. Finally, Mu Qing couldn’t take this anymore, and he steeled his face as he swept his sleeves and left. Xie Lian panted harshly for a bit and fell back down, spacing out again.”- IM SAD!!!!!! tbh i wonder if on some level xie lian kind of felt like mu qing owed him? i know he said to forget about that stuff to both of them but its one thinig to say it and think you mean it and another to have to deal with it

white no-face what is your DEAL!! also all the little fire ghost bits im...

“After having exchanged so many words, Feng Xin finally got the gist of what had transpired. He widened his eyes and pointed at Mu Qing, unable to speak. A moment later, he bent down and grabbed a sack and flung it over, roaring. “SCRAM! SCRAM SCRAM SCRAM!” Mu Qing was hit in the face by the sacks of rice he brought and backed two steps away. All three of them in the house were panting harshly.” - this is it this is the part where i closed my laptop and said “noOOooOOOoooo” out loud to my room im so upset... and mu qing still tried to leave the rice even after the broom thing im ;_;

“Feng Xin was completely convinced that he would never do such a thing, but that was precisely why this had become the worst-case scenario!” - pain, suffering, dismay, etc

“Feng Xin continued, “If Your Highness thinks your life might be in danger, I can finish this for you, I won’t tell Her Majesty, haha.” - bless your heart for trying feng xin

“But it shouldn’t be like this. The Feng Xin of the past would have absolute faith in him no matter what! Even if there was only twenty percent doubt, it was still unbearable!” - AHHHHHHH okay idk if i really have much to say about their relationship other than im sad but IM SAD!!!!

the differences between feng xin and mu qing’s relationship with xie lian are so interesting. feng xin has clearly always idolized xie lian a lot while mu qing hasnt at least not in the same way and he seems like he has some resentment towards xie lian (thats how i read it anyway thats what i said about it at the beginning of book 2 and i think its understandable and can be a very real part of friendships) that feng xin doesnt and i just think thats neat!!

“He was firmly tied down upon the altar, that broken base of the statue under his body. There were many people squeezed below the altar, and pair after pair of round, unblinking eyes were watching him.” - hmmm dont think i like where this is going

“Yet, before he could finish, he realized that the white silk that he used to cover his face had been undone. In this moment, the thing that had him completely tied down was that exact white silk.” oh my god wait is this ruoye?? is ruoye that same ribbon???? ill cry

“The hand stained with blood, the one that ended a life, was immune to the Face Disease.” - ohhh shit okay. okay okay. okay. shit okay. i See now.... so if youre an innocent civilian the only way to escape this fate (and the faces are actually the souls of other innocent civilians) is to get rid of your innocence... and doesnt this disease not actually hurt its just horrific? god.............

“White No-Face pitied, “You think they don’t want to do it? Wrong, it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s solely because no one wants to be the first, that’s all.” - shut up!!! youre the one who created this situation dont fucking preach about the way you think the world is

“He forced down the mouthful of blood and hissed, “What are you laughing at? You think that you got what you wanted? This was all forced by you!” The ghost fire within the ghost’s hand flickered even more fiercely.” - yes exactly!!! you put people in extreme circumstances sometimes they do extreme things!! youve proved nothing!! god i do love when characters say exactly what im thinking. plus the first ones who caved were trying to save their child

“He felt that, if he was to let them do what they wanted, there was something in his heart that would never return to its original state.” - :( also i kind of feel that in my life sometimes and i just hope xie lian’s heart ends up in a state he’s happy with

“He didn’t dare to look at what had become of the person lying on the altar, because what laid there didn’t look human anymore.” AHHHHHH!!! :(((( i mean i get why this event is what made hc... level up??? thats not a good way to describe it fjasldkfjaslk but you know what i mean... that line about being powerless to help your beloved OOOOOOF

okay well finished that chapter im. pain. hmmm. pain. i dont know if i actually have any words rn lol but im gonna stop here for now

[imaginethathaikyuu]

Hi I’ve been reading your scenarios and I couldn’t help but see what your take on a soulmate AU for oikawa would look like (of course if it is ok with you). I really love your writing!

okay i dont even know what happened nor do i know how the fuck this got so long, i just got carried away. i told myself i didnt like soulmate au’s all that much and then i wrote one that was ten pages long. anyway, this is my take on a soulmate au. thank you for the kind words and for the request!▻fem reader

word count: 2424

Everyone wanted to be Oikawa Tooru’s soulmate. Everyone - the literal sense of the word.

Boys, girls, and everything in between or outside of the two. At least one person a day would come up to him and ask that fated question: “Can I see your tattoo?”

And Oikawa gets it, he does - having him for his soulmate would be a ticket to the top of high school’s social hierarchy. He’s not even being egotistical; it’s just the truth. Everyone knows that the person destined to be with Oikawa not only got to be with the attractive boy forever, but they also got eternal bragging rights. At times, it seemed that pride mattered more to those around him than actually finding their soulmate.

It was that reason that Oikawa never showed anyone his tattoo; not even his best of friends had seen it. And it’s not that he doesn’t, technically, want to find his soulmate - he does. Oikawa yearns to hold someone close, kiss their lips until he’s seeing stars, tell them how much he loves them - he wants to find the person who has the perfect match of his tattoo so badly.

But he knows it isn’t worth it. He’s not going to go around showing off his tattoo to everyone who asks, only to find his match and realize all they want him for is an accessory.

“My soulmate is a volleyball genius!”

“My soulmate is going to go pro one day! We’ll be rich!”

“My soulmate is the hottest guy in school!”

Those phrases and many like it bounce around in his mind any time he sees someone who he may enjoy looking at for the rest of his life. Being with someone who refers to him as their soulmate rather than their boyfriend was one of his greatest fears.

So instead of letting himself be excited at the prospect of finding his soulmate - like most others are - he forced himself to forget about the entire thing. To him, it was as if soulmates don’t even exist. The tattoo on his upper-inner arm was more like a birthmark rather than an indication of eternal love. He never looked for his soulmate, he isn’t suspicious of everyone he meets, he never even engages the idea. And that’s how he likes it.

If Oikawa never finds his soulmate, fine by him.

It was because of his attitude that he was able to go about his day normally. He was able to focus in class. He was able to have the best practice he could every single day. He was able to sit where he is now - in the lunchroom with you - and enjoy his lunch with his friend and with peace of mind.

Until that infamous question was asked again - by someone standing behind him.

“Oikawa, let me see your tattoo! I want to see if we match!”

Fuck off, he wanted to say, but he’d never allow himself to be so rude. He thought about what would happen if this random girl was his soulmate - would the universe be so cruel as to give him a soulmate who doesn’t even respect him enough to look him in the eye before speaking to him?

In the time he spent lost in thought, you spoke up for Oikawa. “Fuck off,” you said with your mouth half full, “maybe if you were more respectful, he’d show it to you. Go away.”

He heard the footsteps of the girl leaving, and that along with your frustrated face caused him to smile. You had nearly read his mind - he appreciated that about you.

“Thank you,” Oikawa said with a sigh. You gave a hum in response as you continued to eat your lunch, unaffected by the mini confrontation you just had.

After a beat of silence, Oikawa spoke again. “Y/N, it’s too hot.”

“Duh, it’s nearly summer,” you replied, fanning yourself with your hand.

“Wanna have a pool party?”

“Yes, please,” you said. “Who else is invited?”

“Iwa-chan, but he already declined,” Oikawa said. “Just me and you.”

“Perfect.”

“Come over after school, then.”

Thanks to the plans awaiting him, the rest of the school day felt neverending. Luckily for Oikawa it was Monday, meaning no practice - and while he should at least work out, he’d be damned if he put any more time between him and his pool.

He had already been swimming for at least ten minutes by the time you got to his house. When you walked through the gate you saw him in the pool, floating lazily about the water on top of a large, bright green inflatable ring.

He looked so relaxed that it made you genuinely envious, and you couldn’t wait to be floating next to him.

That’s where you were after a few minutes - both of you were laid back, quietly soaking up the sun as if you had no worries in the world.

Except, Oikawa had just one worry.

He kept looking over at you, trying his best to ensure that you weren’t looking at him. As far as he could tell, you weren’t, but he knew you could be sneaky.

He had become undyingly aware of his soulmate tattoo from the moment you stepped foot into the pool - and he had completely forgotten that this would be an issue for him.

You were one of the people he trusted most, so it’s not like it’d be the end of the world for you to see his tattoo. But all of his bad experiences - especially those he’s had while swimming - keep his anxiety at the forefront of his mind.

After three years of friendship, neither of you had seen the other’s tattoos. You had never even asked to see his - you didn’t care about that at all. That’s something he loved about you, it’s what made him keep you so close.

But Oikawa could not stop thinking about all of the times people had fooled him into showing them his tattoo. That’s usually why he swam with a shirt on, or at least something covering his arm, but today he had completely forgotten.

“Stop looking at me.”

“Sorry.”

You laughed a bit and ran your hand through your sopping wet hair. The wind was blowing, you could hear the sound of children laughing and playing a little bit down the street, and you had never been so relaxed - until you were splashed in the face by a large wave of water.

“What the fuck, Tooru?!” you yelled, thinking he had rudely splashed you. After wiping your eyes you looked over to see that wasn’t the case, instead he had fell off of his float and into the pool. You groaned, wiping the rest of the water off of your face before closing your eyes, trying to find your relaxed state again.

Oikawa was fucked.

What do I do. What do I say. How do I speak.

These are all the thoughts he had while under water. He wasn’t moving his limbs, he was just sitting under - for as long as he possibly could.

He needed air, but his need to avoid his issues mattered more.

Maybe I’m imagining things. Maybe I saw it wrong. That’s it - that’s definitely it. The heat it getting to my head.

After one more second of being alone, he stood up, reminding himself that he’s not thinking straight and that he should go inside before it gets worse.

Oikawa wiped his eyes and turned around to tell you he was done for the day. You were holding your hand up over your eyes to block the sun and get a good look at him, and he saw it again.

You were going to ask if he’s okay, but he cut you off. “What the fuck, Y/N?”

He watched your brows furrow. “The hell is your problem?”

He had to get out. He had to get away. He needed to talk to someone about this.

Except he couldn’t, because the person he always goes to for advice just so happens to be his fucking soulmate.

“Your - your tattoo.”  

God, he sounded pathetic.

Your eyes darted to your inner arm where your tattoo is, and you snorted. “Oh, yeah. I forgot you hadn’t seen it.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

He was out of breath. He felt teary eyed. This entire day was fucked. He had spent all this time avoiding and hating soulmates all together that he couldn’t even be happy that he found his.

You weren’t sure what was going on, but Oikawa didn’t seem like he was dying, so you weren’t too worried.

“What about my tattoo?” you asked, curiosity getting the best of you.

Without looking at you he said, “I’ve got the same one.”

“Cool.”

His head snapped to your direction, his eyes wide - did you even care?

“What do you mean ‘cool’?”

“You don’t think it’s cool?” you asked, glancing at him.

“I don’t know, I - I need to go.” He had already been on his way to the pool’s steps by the time he finally choked out the words.

“I’m staying until sunset,” you called to him, closing your eyes and resting your head on the float. Oikawa didn’t respond.

He grabbed his towel before walking inside, dripping water on the floor but paying no mind to it. After grabbing his cell phone and clothes from his room, he went straight to the bathroom.

His face looked rough in the mirror. His eyes were red - from the pool water, but he wouldn’t doubt the tears he nearly shed contributed to the redness a bit.

This was all his fault for inviting you over to swim without even thinking - but he was trying to think of anyone else to blame.

You, for having the tattoo.

The universe for giving it to you.

Iwaizumi, for denying his invitation to swim with him.

Speaking of Iwaizumi, that’s who he was currently trying to get ahold of, but the bastard wouldn’t answer his phone.

This is definitely the universe’s fault.

It took no time for him to change into dry clothes - calling Iwaizumi three times in the process - before he went back to his bedroom.

He debated taking a nap to just check out for awhile, but that decision was made for him when his phone started ringing.

“What the fuck do you want?” he heard through the speaker as soon as he answered, “you woke me up -”

“I’m having an emergency,Y/N is my soulmate, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

“Where is she right now?”

“In my pool.”

“Where are you?”

“In my room.”

“You idiot.”

Oikawa gasped. “How am I an idiot?”

“You’ve finally found your soulmate - who’s hot as fuck, by the way - and instead of taking her to your bedroom, you run away from her. You’re the definition of an idiot.”

Oikawa wanted to scream - at Iwaizumi, at the world, at the universe. He doesn’t want a soulmate. You would understand him better than Iwaizumi, if only he could actually talk to you.

“She’s your soulmate for a reason, don’t be a moron and fuck up what the universe has laid out perfectly for you. Knowing Y/N, she probably doesn’t give two shits about being the Great Oikawa’s soulmate. You have nothing to worry about, dipshit.”

That’s when Oikawa heard the glass door slide open, followed by the call of his name. He quickly told Iwaizumi he had to go before rolling over onto his stomach, hiding his face in his pillow.

This is all too scary for him.

“Tooru,” you called again, going straight to his bedroom where you knew he’d be. “I forgot a change of clothes, can I borrow something?”

All Oikawa could bring himself to do was point at his drawer, which you ruffled through to find sweatpants and a t-shirt.

“It’s alright if I change in here, right? Since we’re soulmates and all?”

“No!” Oikawa said loudly into his pillow, the thought of you being naked in his room haunting his mind and his body.

You laughed all the way to the bathroom, and Oikawa wanted to take this chance to run away, but he couldn’t make himself move.

Your mood had shifted when you returned to his room. Honestly, you weren’t surprised that Oikawa is your soulmate - after all, you had never gotten along with anyone better than you had with him. But just like him, the idea of soulmates never quite mattered to you; you’d spent years watching your peers obsessing over them, making themselves upset over not having their soulmate yet, and you could never let yourself go down that rabbit hole.

Oikawa, on the other hand - you knew how he felt about the whole thing.

You laid down next to him, laying on your back and looking up at the ceiling.

“You okay?” you asked, combing your fingers through your tangled, wet hair. Oikawa didn’t respond. “Come on, Tooru, I know having me as your soulmate isn’t ideal, but it’s not the end of the world is it?”

You were party joking - but you were worried at the reaction he was having to this.

He turned his head and looked at you, and you looked at him. “Shut up.”

So, you shut up until Oikawa decided he wanted to talk to you. And it didn’t take long - he couldn’t handle being left in silence for too long. He rolled over onto his side, facing you. “Can I see it again?”

“Hypocrite,” you whispered as you lifted your left arm, pulling up your sleeve so your tattoo was visible. “I want to see yours, too, I need some proof that you’re actually my soulmate.”

Tooru pulled up the sleeve on his right arm, moving so his tattoo was visible. You rolled over to face him, getting a better look at it.

A circle with a smaller circle inside of it and a pair of crossed lines on top of them. A perfect match for yours.

“It’s weird seeing it on someone else,” you said, reaching out and running a finger over his skin.

“No kidding,” Oikawa scoffed. You couldn’t help but smile at him, the reality of the situation finally setting in.

“We’re soulmates,” you cooed, wanting to wrap him up in your arms - but that could wait. You did have forever, afterall.

“I guess so,” Oikawa responded, smiling back at you. “This is going to take some getting used to.”

“You know, they say sex with your soulmate is mind blowing.”

“Shut up.”

got a request? send it in. i’ll write it.

[thegeminisage]

alright im about to watch 5.03 of merlin for the 2nd time ever

because if i dont do it now i may NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE

but first i wanna get out of the way that i thought merlin convincing arthur to keep the ban on magic in 5.05 because he was trying to thwart ~*~destiny~*~ or whatever is the laziest writing ever, it’s unsatisfying for the audience, it renders the rest of the last season utterly pointless, it’s unfair to merlin and arthur, and the tonal shift of the show from farting trolls in season 2 to full greek tragedy in season 5 was completely unwarranted and i feel TRICKED as a human person because i expected the end to be bittersweet and make me sad, not table-flipping angry, and i do not at all have high hopes for the finale

but i can ignore something having a “bad last five minutes” i did it for life is strange and final fantasy 13-2 i will do it for merlin but honestly 

speaking on 5.03, after it was over the first time i was like “i can never write my fanfic now because nothing i ever do will be as good as that” but i’m really relieved in that way that that was apparently the last good episode of merlin because now i can continue my work in peace and maybe hopefully even actually finish it

okay commence the liveblog:

love that arthur and merlin are down to just jump off their horses whenever random women start screaming in the distance. season 5 could have been so good, they’re so much more grown up and in sync with one another, i absolutely LOVE their #vibe

it was interesting to me also that arthur DEMANDED a fair trial for this woman despite her being accused of sorcery. god, he was SO CLOSE?? that hatred of magic just can’t really take root in him especially with uther gone...arthur may be an asshole in the early seasons, and he may be quick to anger and quick to lash out in that anger, but it’s just not in him to be cruel, especially needlessly

EVEN THIS LADY IS LIKE “u showed kindness and compassion” arthur is a Good Boy deep down he is he IS he didn’t care a bit about that horn she gave him but still politely said it was beautiful

although lmao the way his face changed when she said it was magic...that’s the STUFF

lowkey losing it at athony head in the credits. i was looking to see if he’d be in the s5 ones since he’s dead and didn’t see him in 5.01 or 5.02 so when i DID see him in 5.03 i was like haha no way did they pay to put him in here i guess i just missed him the first couple of times BUT I WAS WRONG

like, in buffy, they spend an entire episode trying to decide whether or not to necromance their mom or whatever and she doesnt actually APPEAR IN THE EP they never SEE her i thought this would be an episode ABOUT uther i didn’t think uther would be IN it

love that from the get-go arthur’s face screams “i am thinking about making a terrible mistake” and merlin’s face is like “he is thinking about making a terrible mistake”

i’m quite proud of merlin in s5 actually. bad writing aside he uses multiple braincells many times per episode. it’s a vast improvement. same energy as clary from shadowhunters right down to getting shafted in his final season

ive said it before and ill say it again gwen looks SOOO GOOOOD as queen

if this is the anniversary of uther’s death then (if you go by 1 season = 1 year) arthur just turned 30...it’s been nine years and change since merlin met him, and by the end of season 5 it will have been an entire decade

in an otherwise increddibly heavy episode arthur panicking and throwing all the apples out of the bowl so he could cover the horn with it is absolutely priceless. season 5 if nothing else has really hammered home for me what a TERRIBLE liar arthur is - merlin got good at it fast out of necessity but arthur can’t hold a poker face to save his LIFE. “leave it.” “why??” “because i’m telling you to and i’m the king of camelot” buddy......

we were ROBBED. if there had ever been a day where arthur came to accept merlin’s magic but still had to help merlin hide it there could have been an entire episode of arthur nearly blowing merlin’s cover because he’s a nervous nelly and at the end he goes “i cant believe you have had to do this 24/7 for YEARS without a single friend to help you” and merlin goes “well now i have you” anyway.

i love also that repeatedly when arthur goes to do something scary by himself he also brings merlin. they LITERALLY are two halves of a whole

“you’re threatening me with a spoon??” i can’t tell you about the unfortunate fanfics i have seen involving The Spoon. i shall also not mention the ones involving The Glove. we will not speak of it

I CANNOT BELIEVE STONEHENGE IS IIN MERLIN. i got so agitated i did not pay one bit of attention to the conversation following its reveal and me and cathy and had to rewind so i could listen properly

my hate-on for stonehenge goes thusly: stonehenge apocalypse, starring misha collins, is @callowyn‘s favorite movie. i have seen it 45 times. i hate it nearly as much as she loves it. it’s an age-old battle

merlin is so intense when he looks for signs in arthur that he DOESN’T totally hate magic...arthur using magic to see his dad again is one of those signs. he’s willing to turn to it in desperation - maybe he’d be willing in less desperate times too

“my father was taken from me before his time” i mean...he was practically in a coma. so like. he wasn’t

love that when arthur mentions merlins dad ONCE he immediately looks like he’s about to cry. mood. i also want to cry every time i think about merlins dad

up until the moment i laid eyes on uther i was SURE they werent actually gonna do it. i came into this thinking it was a FLASHBACK EP

for the record (and believe me i NEVER thought i’d say this) even though i waited and waited for his demise and cheered when he was gona for good...i really missed uther in season 4. at least with uther you know what you’re getting. agravaine (his replacement as “evil guy who keeps us from being able to solve our problems too easily”) was a slimy cowardly CREEP. and in season 5 i WISH things were as simple as “work around uther’s pigheaded unreasonableness”

for a hot second i really thought uther and arthur would have a nice conversation where they reconciled or said something heartwarming. i was worried about an uther redemption arc - this guy is responsible for the genocide of magic users, he doesn’t deserve redemption - but this show said NOT TODAY and they said it QUICK

WE

ARE

SO

BLESSED

i have A LOT of issues with season 5 but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS WAS DADDY ISSUES 2.0 BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD

repressed trauma returns: harder better faster stronger!! that’s the STUFF

was i not just speaking the other day on my fanfic ask meme about how i love emotionally intense stuff? this is IT babey

uther’s such a bad father! he’s with his only child again for the last time in ever and all he does is tear him a new one! this is why arthur’s such a fucked-up human being (morgana too) 

i’m THRILLED we got to revisit this. his eyes get bigger and bigger and he starts fucking stammering and by the time uther’s done calling him weak and a failure he looks ready to CRY. i was HOLLERING. i still couldnt believe uther was even HERE and not only is he HERE he’s a WRECKING BALL

“this CAN’T be the last time i’ll ever see you” oh buddy you’re gonna wish it was

and he looks back, as he leaves. of COURSE he does. just like lot’s wife. so it goes.

you know how at the end of every supernatural episode sam and dean debrief and talk about their feelings in the car? for merlin and arthur it’s almost always done around a campfire at night - sometimes in arthur’s chambers or other places, but usually out here in the wilderness where it’s just the two of them. i’m...really going to miss it, when it’s gone.

“my father doesn’t approve of the way i’ve chosen to rule his kingdom” “you mean YOUR kingdom”

you know i don’t think i really got...like, fundamentally, on a deep level...that merlin fucking HATES uther

i’ve seen him save uther’s miserable life so many fucking times that i thought for merlin it was kind of the way it was with gwen - he feels nothing for him, but he looks after him for arthur’s sake (or as i came to understand later because he’s professor x about the whole thing)

but the way his expression got SO UGLY when arthur revealed that uther just shit-talked him the entire time...holy fuck

between that & some other stuff that happens later it really paints a clearer picture of like...uther’s dead so merlin doesn't have to hold back anymore and he FUCKING HATES HIM?? like obviously he SHOULD bu i just never SAW it before this. merlin LOATHES him. it’s INCREDIBLE to witness when he bore it so silently for so long. maybe even merlin didn’t realize just how much he hated him until now

and not to get too real here but if youve ever been friends with someone who had an abusive/toxic parent or was in an abusive/toxic relationship and you watch them feeling like shit after and they start making excuses for that asshole like “oh yeah he’s right about x” and you just want to find this horrible person and THROTTLE THEM that emotion is like ALL OVER merlin’s face rn. i didn’t actually seriously "”ship”” merlin and arthur until late season 4/early season 5 (i didnt like dislike it i just wasnt actively bothered by a lack of it) and what changed was this vibe. merlin wants to kill uther all over again just because he made arthur feel this way. he’s so fuckijng PROTECTIVE

and he still almost manages to drag a smile out of him via roasting, god bless these 2

ok so i didnt believe this show would actually DO THAT re: putting uther himself in this ep but i was doubly shocked by the fact that he HITCHED A RIDE AND GOT OUT

me shrieking during this entire poltergeist sequence: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HIM?? HOLY FUCK HE IS LITERALLY HAUNTING ARTHUR I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE GIVING US THIS etc etc etc

actually most of that was probably muffled nonsense because i was yelling with both hands over my mouth

percival’s the realest motherfucker on this whole show. dude survives a murder attempt in which he got an AXE lobbed at him by the fucking GHOST of a power-mad genocidal king and he’s like: yeah idk i guess it fell

there was thunder in the bg for this WHOLE ep and i’m Big into it

absolutely CACKLING at the bit where merlin has to ask arthur if he looked back at uther’s spirit. it’s one of those nice big heavy questions - so heavy, in fact, that arthur can’t answer, can’t even LOOK at merlin, either because he’s ashamed or because he’s bugging out or both. you thought this shit was over? it’s never over! daddy issues are a lifelong ride, pal! arthur’s just get to haunt him literally this time. god it’s so fucking good

can i just say? merlin reads that damning silence reeeal well. and it’s a big, heavy thing to know about arthur - but then again he knows all the big heavy things about arthur

the score for this episode is really good too...very suspenseful and good, adds a lot to the atmosphere, keeps it from getting too slow

there’s a hint of merlin’s absolute HATRED of uther in this conversation again - the way his face tightens when he says “uther would do anything to protect his legacy and that makes him dangerous, who knows what he’s capable of now”

and arthur dismisses him because he can’t hear this but merlin almost refuses to leave - and when he DOES leave, he doesn’t take his eyes off arthur for one fucking second. he stares him down all the way out of the room. i don’t think it’s because he’s angry with arthur, per se - he’s angry with uther, and he knows uther in a way arthur never can or will, as someone ruthless who will kill without warning or remorse. he’s afraid of uther and he’s trying to get arthur to be afraid of uther too before it’s too late and LSDKFJGHSLDFJH

if you’re thinking “thats a lot to interpret from one look” yes it is but i’m right. IT’S A BIG, HEAVY LOOK. NICE AND LOADED. love unpacking all of that

i cant believe this dude tried to KILL GWEN like he really is coming after everything that makes arthur happy. im so glad it was merlin that saved her. i really do think merlin is her best friend

multiple times in this serious arthur fidgets when he’s nervous or thinking, usually with his hands near his mouth. i am endeared to him. my poor boy

“i always knew my father could be cruel but why would he do this to gwen when he knows i love her” BECAUSE HE’S CRUEL

merlin knows. merlin knows his cruelty much better than arthur. boy does he know. i’m dying. it’s fine

love that at this part of the ep we slide seamlessly into the “merlin and arthur are both scared shitless” section which was truly one of my favorite things about the s4 opener. they’re both so fucking jumpy and giving each other shit about being frightened and continuing to be frightened anyway. the DELICIOUS IRONY of arthur finally being scared of uther in the way merlin has been scared of uther for Y E A R S oh my god it’s so GOOD

do also love the entire silent conversation they have when deciding what to do about the door. this is what i mean by their upgraded vibe.l in the early seasons merlin wouldn’t have understood and his lack of understanding would have been played for laughs. now they’re totally in sync

here’s the thing, gaius could have made this magic “able to see uther’s ghost” potion for just arthur and he didn’t. he made it for both of them. everything arthur does merlin does. they’re partners in all things. they’re COMPANIONS. and this is why i finally now Ship It. tragic.

you know this is a kind of weird comparison but late seasons arthur reminds me JUST a bit of gwaine. he complains so much less that he sort of has that same “roll with whatever” vibe to him. pretend to faint so you can steal some guy’s dagger? why not. take this foul potion that may kill us? sure, let’s do it. come what may he’s not really fussed. much more unflappable

until he starts getting spooked again LMFAO 

we do love a good pair of spooked dumbasses. this is charming and entertaining.

leon HAD to know they were lying about poetry. he probably thought they were having.......a tryst,

love also that even in this very dire moment merlin does NOT miss the chance to have some fun at arthur’s expense. that’s true friendship

i got jumpscared three separate times during this ep and one of them was when uther was glaring down merlin and arthur in the hallway after leon left

arthur didn’t jump but he did go hunting after him and to his credit he does not look scared. he looks like a man who is trying to deal with his business and get his shit together

merlin made that FACE again when arthur expressed sadness at hunting his own father because all he ever wanted to DO was make him proud

honestly it’s like since he can’t shit-talk uther he just sings arthur’s praises instead like this here is a guy who is just barely holding his tongue about how fuckin pissed he is. i cant believe it

splitting up was the WORST idea. have they not seen scooby doo??

love that when merlin gets cornered by uther’s ghost and gets scared he yells for arthur and when arthur gets scared because his torch blows out he yells for merlin. you fools, why did you SPLIT UP

uther locks arthur in the room with him, which is already some top tier content, but doubly good? it’s the same room in which arthur nearly ran him through in 2.08. don’t think i didn’t notice. i did notice. i was shrieking into my hands.

seriously this is a pretty calm liveblog but the first time i watched this ep my face was like this the whole time: O O

just kept going “HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD” over and over. it was greeat

“arthur your fatal flaw is that you put too much trust in other people” do you think arthur, who now has a complex about people betraying him, ever forgot that for one second in his entire life afterward? me neither

speaking of 2.08 arthur dropped some FACTS “your hatred comes from fear” i'm sure they didn’t do it on purpose but #throwbacks

i’m fully experiencing human emotion. “i’m not you, i can’t rule like you did” he’s trying SO HARD to fight his way out of that bullshit

also lmao arthur like “then you’ll have to kill me” and uther like “yeah okay” arthur didn’t KNOW how this man was this could have been SUCH a good awakening

AND NOW IT’S TIME

FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EPISODE

when i say merlin hates uther. WHEN I SAY MERLIN H A T E S UTHER

HIS LINE HERE. ok. “get away from him, uther. you’ve caused enough harm” he’s furious! he’s GROWLING! 

“you are just a serving boy” “i am much more than that” listen. human words cannot express the emotion that ran through me. when they said “we’re gonna bring back anthony head as uther” i doubted. when they said “he’s gonna be the bad guy and reopen all of arthur’s old wounds” i doubted. when they said “he’s still here LITERALLY haunting arthur who now has to HUNT HIM” I DOUBTED. i didn’t believe they’d do any of it until it was happening on my screen. but ONE LOOK at merlins face made a MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVER out of me. i knew exactly what he was about to do. pretty sure i gasped “NO” in astonishment

AND HE DID THAT

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

NOT ONLY. DID I SHRIEK ALOUD. FULL SCREAM. WHEN IT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME. BUT JUST NOW. WHEN I WATCHED HIM DO IT AGAIN. MORE SCREAMING.

how LONG do you think merlin had ACHED to do that

to show himself to uther for what he was, what he REALLY WAS, someone to be reckoned with instead of someone to be overlookedd, without fear of consequences

i can’t even like

like just imagine the triple rush of 1. satisfaction 2. rage 3. lingering habitual terror

i think at this moment merlin was closer to and more like morgana than he had ever been and maybe ever will be again. because the two of them have so much in common but one thing i didn’t really clock until now is how much they both hate uther

it’s so good. uther is SHOCKED and DISMAYED and this is like merlin’s old fear come back from death too (getting found out by uther) while at the same time being a dream come true (getting to tell uther what he really thinks, who he really is - “i was BORN with it!”) he’s so ANGRY! he is LIVID!)

he’s also really SATISFIED like “even while you were king there was magic at the heart of camelot” GOD how long has he been WAITING for this and not even realized it

and like then uther starts spewing his hateful bullshit and stalking forward with the intent to kill and my guy merlin who should be terrified STANDS HIS MOTHERFUCKING GROUND and says right over him “you’re wrong, you’re wrong” for thirty beautiful seconds merlin really got to be free. i know i will keep comparing things to 2.08 until i die but it’s just like when arthur was almost ready to kill uther in cold blood because for one perfect, brilliant moment he really and truly saw clearly the world as it was. i really love these moments...the strength of their respective convictions is so gratifying

merlin yeeting uther through a door is also gratifying although i have no idea what he hoped to accomplish by following without waking arthur first

i. LOVE. that the camera lingered a little on the spears or whatever after merlin walked by them. nice little foreshadowing moment

THOSE SPEARS GOT AWFULLY CLOSE BUT IM PRETTY SURE UTHER MISSED ON PURPOSE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME. HIS MISTAKE

okay merlin spent the better part of a lifetime dreading uther’s death sentence and here’s uther stalking down a hallway sword pointed at his chest and certain death is IMMINENT and what does merlin’s face look like?

arthur comes in with the rescue and INSTANTLY his expression changes to?

IT’S BETTER IN MOTION BUT HE LOOKS READY TO CRY

my immediate thought: oh jesus what if uther outs him

i knew he wouldnt bc of spoilers but i would bet a benjamin that that was merlin’s first thought too

tbh. i wish he had.

i kind of wonder if merlin doesn’t wish the same thing. like yes being outed like that is terribly violating and he’s terrified of telling arthur obviously or he would have already but at the same time there would be so much relief once it was finally out. no more secret-keeping. no more burden

i mean, if you go back and watch it, dude’s straight up shaking. he’s trembling all over. he’s losing it. that last teary glance they exchanged.......

uther was two SYLLABLES away from blowing the whole thing

and in a better happier canon where arthur knows and was waiting for merlin to tell him this is like double angst because uther wouldve ben blowing something for them both

i like arthurs followup of realizing that he’ll never be able to please uther (step 1 of breaking away from the cycle of abuse) but for the LIFE OF ME

i will NEVER be able to understand why they segued into this GLOVE THING

i’m not talking about the glove thing

i will say however that by the end of this episode i was so hysterical i had to get up and get water and pace around my kitchen for ten minutes fanning my own face

and that’s it. that’s the second-best episode of merlin and the last good episode there ever was

[jokers-sweethearts]

Jokers Daughter Imagine: Keep it in the Family

Request: Please can I request the anons idea of cp and Jerome having children and the youngest who's a girl going out with penguins son or something and the clown family being protective Thank you !!!! 😊😊😊xxx

The Joker finished painting his lips red before closing the mirror and getting out of the car. His heart was pounding with excitement and anger. It was finally time to see his daughter and granddaughter again, but it also meant he had to see Jerome. No matter how many years and kids would pass, he still wanted to paint his body red just like his hair. Joker refused to believe the day wouldn’t come when his daughter asked him to. He knew Jerome would fuck up, but until then, he’d make his life a living hell. 

Once he reached the front door he didnt hesitate and bombarded in. Already wanting to make his alpha male status known. He would have killed anyone who took the liberty to.walk in his house like that, but he was determined to never let Jerome forget who was boss.

“Grandpa!” Joker heard as his granddaughter came running. His smile spread ear to ear, he scanned the room looking for her father to rub it in. But he saw a strangers face with them.

Jerome, his daughter, and a pale, dark haired, awkward figure all eyes him from the living room.

“Dad....” the clown pricness began, we didn’t know you’d be stopping by”.

“Wasn’t aware I needed an invitation”. Joker said in a commanding voice. His snarl was a signal to the room. He didn’t need an invitation, and was reminding them.

“You don’t grandpa” his granddaughter chimed in as she led him over to the stranger. “Grandpa, this is Ozzie, he’s-”

“Penguin’s son” Jerome seethed through his teeth.

“I’m sure my sweetheart would have told me that if you didn’t interrupt her” Joker seethed back, running his thumb over her cheek, raising it slightly to make her form a smile.

Jerome let out his high pitched cackle he knew Joker hated. “My daughter. My house. I’ll do what I want”.

“You can’t even keep your doors locked, kid”.

“Usually people aren’t stupid enough to walk in”.

“Okay...” The clown princess stood between her husband and father, amazed at how quickly that escalated even being used to their mutual hatred for each other. 

The tension sent chills down the two kids spines. Joker and Jerome never backed down nor expected each other to. They had the protection of the clown princess. Joker knew Jerome wouldn’t dare kill him because his daughter would never forgive him. Likewise Joker only grew more furious because he knew he couldn’t hurt Jerome for the same. It was the only thing to ever hold Joker back, keeping his daughter on his side was a stronger desire than any force of nature.

“This sin���t about you two, it’s about my daughter and her date” she dug her nails into Jerome’s pale arm making him wince, leading them back to their seats.

Joker’s granddaughter tried to pull him over to the couch to sit down, but Joker was frozen in place. After his usual resentment towards Jerome was out, he realized what was going on. The worm like creature sitting below him was there to take his granddaughter out. Joker’s metal teeth clicked together as he got a flash of the first time Jerome came near his own princess. He felt a stinging pain start at his stomach and shoot up to his neck. Every fiber of his being was telling him to just end the situation right now. Even though she was Jerome’s daughter, and the green hairs on the back of his neck stood up even thinking that, he always considered her his. She had his blood coursing through her veins and came from his daughter. He hated Jerome feeling any sense of belonging after storming inyo hid family so long ago. Joker was stunned at thinking Jerome would let this all take place so easily.He turned to look at the red head, no longer a boy, and saw the once arrogant and evil face in anguish, barely holding it together.

It was the first time Joker had really felt his age. He used to have that same look, seeing his daughter next to him trying to keep the peace only reminded him of Harley. Yet a malicious grin spread across his face. It confused everyone in the room for a moment. Joker looked beyond excited to meet her date. His icy blue eyes darted to Jerome’s and stared him down with glee.

“Well well well....” he said in a soft, animated voice as he addressed Ozzie for the first time. “How rude of me! Just call me Joker...” he extended his hand out to the boy but took it away before he could return the favor and took a seat on the couch. 

His granddaughter slowly sat on the opposite couch next to her date confused. She looked to her father for reassurance but he was just as dumbfounded looking at his father in law.

“Excuse my boy here” Joker slammed his palm on Jerome’s shoulder who felt his spine straighten immediately. “he’s always been a tad socially awkward” he trew his head back and roared as Jerome slapped his hand away.

Joker taped his heals on the ground like a giddy little boy. He finally realized how he was going to hurt Jerome. It wasn’t his usually physical torture, or having his face sliced off. Joker was going to make sure Jerome suffered the most devastating psychological torture he could muster. It was seeing his little girl love another man. he same gut wrenching pain Jerome inflicted on him years ago. Joker was going to make damn sure it came back to haunt him. Joker would never reveal or show pain to anyone, he always prided himself for hiding it from Jerome, keeping the upper hand, but Jerome couldn’t hide it from him. His fidgeting hands and single beat of sweat on his forehead made it clear.

Jerome was pressing down so hard on his bottom teeth he thought for sure they would break through his jaw. He wasn’t sure what was worse, the penguins scum offspring trying to take his baby away or Joker witnessing it. He focused his attention to the only man he hated more than Joker.

“So Ozzie” the words slithered off his tongue trying to make the boy squirm more. “what exactly do you ave planned?” Jerome’s tongue ran along his teeth looking like a wild animal ready to pounce on the boy.

Ozzie’s eye twitched slightly and he breathed heavily through his nose before he went to answer. His date put her hand on his to help him relax, making both Joker and Jerome tongue tied.

“Just to me da- the penguins club. It’s secluded and safe there and -”

“A club?” Jerome's mouth opened wide and he wheezed on purpose before belting out his infamous laugh. “I’ll give it to you kid, that’s one of the best jokes I’ve ever heard

“Actually...” Joker chimed in “I run myself a little club, maybe you’ve heard of it” he winked at Ozzie making his princess and granddaughter laugh, vilifying him even more. “I’m sure the kids will be fine”.

“Running a club should give you insight into the trouble they can get into. Sorta like arkham.. you remembered those days right?” Jerome mocked the memories he knew were untouchable to Joker to try and disorientate him and gain control. 

“Jerome, we used to go to my dads club all the time” the clown princess was hit off guard by the arkham comment and tried to mend the situation before it blew up further. But her husband shot her a loot he hadn’t shown since their own days of being locked up.

“Whose side are you on?” he whispered, feelings pins poking his body all over, a numb feeling taking over trying to block out everything else besides making Ozzie terrified. 

He couldn’t believe how the two of them would be so willing to let this leech take out his baby. 

Joker was beside himself with pride. Just having a little taste of Jerome feeling his misery was worth his granddaughter sitting beside the boy. Now that his daughter stuck up for him, there was nothing holding him back from soaking in his narcissism.

“My daughter is right” Joker began “I think that sounds like an excellent time. Keep it a tradition, keep it in the family., huh?” Joker moved his hands theatrically with every word he said turning to his son in law and winking again, followed by a pompous cackle that brought Jerome to his feet.

“Daddy!” his daughter called out to stop him from doing whatever he was about to do. Being Jerome's daughter, she was accustomed to his many traits and this one had death written all over it.

Hearing the word, but not directed at him, burned Joker to his core. He tried to ignore it wanting to see Jerome dig a deeper grave for himself. The short, auburn haired girl looked up at her father with an intensity only matched by him. Her mother sighed deeply knowing her stubborn family would never back down from each other.

“Jerome, I think the kid get’s kid” she looked at the timid boy still sitting, now his entire body visibly shaken. “let’s cut a deal, huh?”

Hearing this wife say that made Jerome’s skin crawl. They were her fathers words. He just wanted her to be on his side. Of all the times when his status was being questioned by not only Joker again, but threatened by a stranger for his own princess.

“You two have fun at the club” she continued “but be home an hour early, and you have to take one of or body guards” she squeezed her husbands hand until it turned even paler. It caught Jerome off guard, she only did that during one of their heists.

“Ah well, I think that’s a great idea! See how smart my girl is Osman?”

“Ozzie, grandpa”.

“Whatever” Joker stood up to join his daughter.

“So that’s it? We can leave now?” she was nervous thinking it too good to be true and waiting for something to ruin it all. Her mother, father, and grandfather all being okay with this didn’t make sense, as much as she was hoping for weeks it would. She grabbed Ozzie’s hand and stood them both up with the rest of her family not wanting to waste the moment.

“Yes sweetheart, right? Her mother looked at Jerome.

“Yes!” Joker announced proudly. Jerome stayed silent, stoic, and cold at Joker taking over the moment clearly meant for him.

Jerome felt powerless for the first time in his life. He remembered when he was a teenager and stood before the Joker with no fear and headstrong. He never lost that until now. He looked at his father in law and realized what he was doing. There was no way in hell he’d want to see her go off. He always tried to claim her as his own. This was just to make him suffer. to try and be the one in control again.

“Guess there’s calculation in chaos old man” Jerome snickered.

“Oh I wouldn’t know what you mean, kid”.

Jerome’s eyes drifted to his daughter and Ozzie outside getting into his car. He didn’t have much time left. He had to think of a way to get Joker out of here so nothing would stand in his way. 

“Boss?” a man said behind them and they turned to see the clown princess leading in one of their most trusted henchmen. “want me to start following them?” he asked.

“On second thought...” Jerome hissed pulling his knife from under his sleeve. But before he could say any more a gun shot made his ear start ringing and the man was dead on the floor. 

“Oh for fucks sake!” the clown princess scolded. “Was that really necessary? I was just about to make my move!”

The Joker put his gun back in his holster and grinned. “Ya know your mother always said my unpredictability was cute”.

“I think I’ve had enough of it” Jerome said.

“Daddy, I can’t believe you would encourage them to go out like that”.

“What do you think I am, crazy?” Joker spat as Jerome and his daughter gave each other a look. “She’s not going at all”.

Jerome cradled the knife in his hand, using all his strength o stop himself from jamming it into Joker’s chest.

“You used my daughter just to piss me off. Just to get back at me?  Oh ha. Ha. Ha. Ha” Jerome faked his amusement in a monotone voice. “How did I know?”

“Define used”.

“You son of a bitch, you just can’t accept it can you?” Jerome moved close so he could looked the clown prince of crime directly in the eye.

“And what would that ‘it’ be, red?”

“That they’re mine. My wife. My daughter. The it is your time, and it’s run out”.

Joker let out a squealing laughter and began clapping his hands together. “Oh how I love me a tough guy! Where were you so many years ago? Pissing your pants on a couch just like Harry”.

“Ozzie, dad”.

“Whatever”.

Joker and Jerome stood silent taking each other in. As much as they hated it, they were the only two people in the world that understood this feeling. Of being replaced in their daughters eyes.

“Talk as much as you want, it still fucking burns you. Barge in as many times through the door, it’s still my fucking house” Jerome began his cackle and his eyes widened as it graduated into a full blown roar.

The stinging sensation resumed inside of Joker. Again he’d never let anyone see, but Jerome’s words were igniting a fire in him because they were true. Nothing would make him happier than slitting Jerome's throat, scalping him, tossing his red hair into the gotham harbor, and being the only man in his girls eyes again. 

Jerome’s hand was twitching so badly he had to turn away or else he’d do something with it and then make come true Joker’s ultimate dream, his wife turning on him. The fact that he let Joker under his skin was driving him even more mad. he let happen what Joker had years ago, let his daughter leave with someone else. Jerome could try and spin it all he wanted, but he was stuck.

The only thing t pull the men out of their egocentric trip was another gun shot, taking both of them by surprise. The clown princess held her weapon in the air like the referee breaking up a match.

“Are you two assholes done with your primal bullshit?”

The men stood stone faced. “If so I’d like to go get my daughter.Jerome, I thought you’d be smarted than letting her go like that. I knew I couldn’t count on you dad, you did make the same move years ago”.

“you could have stepped in darling...” Jerome said condescendingly “was this your plan all along?”

“Oh you know me well baby! I wanted to test you a little bit. Guess I’ll have to take care of things, huh? Tsk Tsk Tsk..” she mocked them both “on her first date too.. you’re such a pus-”

“I get it I get it you crazy clown girl” Jerome somehow fell more in love with his wife, her manipulation never failed to make him want her.  

Joker and Jerome looked back at each other ready to kill.

“Well that was my plan all along too!” Joker announced as his daughter rolled her eyes.

Joker’s lips spread into a smile, exposing his metal teeth. Just that sight alone was enough to make Jerome want to leave. 

“Well what are we waiting for?” he smiled back to his wife.

In a strange way, it was the closest the two men would get and ever be. Untied in arrogance and possession. Ever since their first meeting, they dreamed about getting the chance to gut each other. But now they actually had the same desire.

Jerome tried to shake off the feeling of sympathy for Joker. He remembered being a teenager and how much power he felt hurting Joker. Every time he touched the clown princess or even looked at her, he convinced himself that he was gaining leverage and Joker was crumbling before him. He was addicted to the ecstasy of power it gave him. When he knew his daughter would bring the boy over, he actually looked forward to using that same power to terrorize him. But like a day hadn’t passed Joker came in and stole it from him. The bastard found a way to get revenge. Even thought it was only a  few minutes, thinking that he was losing his little girl make his mind more warped than his electro shock treatments. He laughed under his breath thinking about it. Maybe he deserved a little scare? But when he saw Joker walk over to his wife and embrace her, thinking it was father and daughter time again, he quickly got that feeling out. It was time to be the alpha again. 

Joker proudly embraced his little girl and planted a kiss on the top of her head. No matter how vicious she got with time or how skilled a manipulator and killer, he would never be able to accept that she wasn’t the same little girl that he would kiss goodnight with the occasional bloody hand print next to her as he watched her sleep. He knew he was never going to let his granddaughter get too far away, so he had to take advantage and make Jerome squirm. The light leaving his eyes was worth all the aggravation. Until the day Joker died, and he planned on being immortal, he was never going to let anyone think they had his girls.

Ozzie tried to steady his breathing, finally escaping with his date and driving away. The relief didn’t last long however, he adjusted his mirror to see a car speeding up to them. Just a glimpse of the green hair behind the wheel was all he needed to understand, and start sweating again.

“ummm... babe?” 

She turned around quickly to see what dared to interrupt her date. She should have known it was all too good to be true, all too easily done. After all, her mom did warn her.

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

I Wonder....

Hologram- The Technicolors plays in the background.

What race did i think i was in all this time? It was like this perpetual reminder constantly nagging me in my head...

what your 18 better not be singe for long-

 better go to college and forget about boys

- better get a degree and make lots of money

...married at 22 no degree - 

better excel in your career and climb the corporate ladder. 

hours of work and devotion 

BUT wait, dont work too hard you gotta have kids before your 30

what about an apartment- 

how about a trailer- 

how about a HOUSE. 

.. First son at 27- 

turning 30 at the end of this year. where did the time go?

...together for 11 years, married for 7 years, a 2 year old , a house, a dog, two cars.

i did exactly what i wanted to do in life.   i suppose.

don’t get me wrong i probably would seem obnoxiously ungrateful if i didn’t just stop there and say THANKS.

beautiful son. gorgeous husband.

the list goes on-  everything ive set my mind to in the past decade i have made come true.

NOW WHAT

i had this alarm in my head that i had to do “all this before 30″ why?? health reasons? statistic reasons? rumors? stories, why?

i feel like im rounding the last bend to a marathon i didnt even ask to be in? (or did i??!)

i think throughout my hussle and bussle (although i DID have SOME fun) i got lost in it all. I quickly entered the world of being 18 shattered battered and...engaged? positive that the love i was about to receive would catapult me into everything id ever needed.  (i guess it sorta did.)   career driven. beautiful. man on my side. ring on my hand “livin life” literally just climbing any career ladder i could- i had my “husband” as my cheerleader at my side. HUSBAND guys would say- “you’re to young”. yeah i got that ALOT. going to 21st birthday parties as the only married girl there. WHO WAS I.  we took married and young by the horns. i was so driven. you get over whelmed by the freedom. naturally you fall into some sort of rhythm because nice things cost money, and time just passes as you work and watch your work pay off. you feel accomplished. i was sure i saw my career in site and one would assume this WAS IT. this was the magic they talked about- enjoying your 20s- having a career u love- being MARRIED and secure. perfect...................

we were... the first couple to have an apartment. (so; big parties- no rules *rolls eyes)  we had a”wedding” so we had all these lovely gifts and things to lavish ourselves with in our first apartment. THE DREAM right?  just working and living and having fun. we traveled alot,, camped- we had big dreams to always be “like this” forever. in a moment (5 years into the beautiful maddness actually) we were sure we needed to materialize this power we had. this “love” we had needed to be a thing, a thing we wanted to nurture and bless and carry with us on our adventures. we had so much love we were ready to see what we could grow. (and grow it did- we had JP) 

the first year was hard- a new dynamic...we werent 2 anymore we were 3. and all of our decisions had a larger precaution. we wanted different things. rooted things. more stability. more direction. the air was different.

i was different.

i had put my career aside in my mind to concentrate on.on being something that something ELSE would flourish and grow beautifully in (um literally?) KIDS. i will be the first to tell you, kids were not on my radar (i just never saw myself as a kid person, i never understood the look parents give their little humans time after time- it confused me- it scared me i guess. it was just foreign.) till... i put allllll other thoughts aside. most definetly my first act of unconditional unselfish love. “hey self, we are about to give up our entire self to producing another human being” everything you smell eat touch. EVERYTHING. its like...well its like nothing youve ever gone through before until youve gone through it. we are fuckin amazing..the body can do some fuckin shit. COMPLETELY change in order to make this THING ... HUMANS and yeah. real hearts and lungs and little legs (oh and the hiccups, the awesome hiccups)

PHysically and mentally you go through some shit and although that may have been obvious to some- most??? it was not for me.

Mount Everest- Labrinth.

its just alot. im already not the best mentally- so to add this new function. emotional bandwith overload papi.

first its like 2,000 percent mom over load. YOU ARE A MOM and this teeny tiny creature needs you. NEEDS you. a need you thought you knew BUT YOU DO NOT. its this overwhelming warming beautiful amazing thing, the need a kid has for their parents. (i was IN IT- DEEP in IT)   IN love wasnt even the world. i do not loveeeee my son. my son IS LOVE. i can not explain it. but you get mentally rewired. i am not the girl i was before, im just not. 

i no longer wanted the career i had before. i no longer even wanted the LIFE i had before. i wanted more of this drug my son was giving me. this surreal daydream of laughs and kisses and just moments. time literally passes differently now. i see things differently now,  i feel things differently now. things have so much different meaning. i swear its as if im stuck in some molly, acid, shroom trip.

i feel like someone lit a fire to my soul and everything i touch now is illuminated differently.  when a person is growing inside you you can feel their heartbeat. you can feel the brush of their leg as they roll over to get comfortable. life has different meaning. LOVE has different meaning. love darling is caring you for 9 months and waiting with baited breathe for a stranger youve created. its a smell youve never smelled before and instantly is your favorite. its like you were never comfortable before they fell asleep in your arms, youve never known true peace until their skin was comfortable by yours. ITS PURE MAGIC .  i was different.  

some of the things i loved before, i- was confused about now. 

Love was different for me now,

how i wanted to give love.

how i wanted to receive love.

like a perpetual darkness was lifted from my eyes.

Wash.-Bon Iver

Im sorry i didnt know it would change ME. (im sorry about how cliche that sounds..)

from the moment i was little. it was go to school. get good grades. to go college. find a nice boy. get married. move in together, start a family- live happily ever after

but they leave out the nitty griddies. (even my own parents were divorced. who was anyone kidding) the years following our marriage all we heard about was how divorce was at its all time high. we vowed (among other things) that , that wouldnt be us. we both came from homes and divorce and we didnt want that for us. 

i think it was then that divorce became this ugly word. scary word. bad word.  i mean it is though..right?...

verb

1.legally dissolve one's marriage with (someone)

2.separate or dissociate (something) from something else.

we got married because. well im sure for different reasons?

i got married because,( it was what i was suppose to do?). you find someone you love and are attracted to and if your lucky enough to have them feel the same way- you... marry them. and thats that.you cant have kids or live with someone who you arent married too (said the stigma of my parents and those around me)  i mean i know theres more to it then that but a brief outline? leaving out all the mooshy stuff. you make this feeling legal, you change some names and now your not only emotionally reliant on this person but basically reliant on them for every fuckin single thing else too (basically).

marriage is beautiful.  if your lucky enough to find your soul mate in this world. someone who just gets you and enjoys your company and wierdness then your blessed and you would probably want to spend the rest of your existence with this person.  i mean it makes sense. 

its just as i’ve developed into this next stage of myself, ive made each of my actions have more purpose (i do this because everthing i do my son now sees and its just different now) howww i do something- what i say. i just think about it all and that includes the things i was naturally doing before that i never thought of.

marriage.  do i love my sons father yes. hes attractive and im attratced to him. hes funny and knows just how to make me laugh. its the little things. how he makes JP laugh or when their doing snuggles in his bed. how my son says Dada when hes upset or how he looks just like him. before my love for my husband was an array of things from love to lust- obsession. all the best and worse of love. we were inseparable. engulfed in each other in EVERY way, i knew we were in love and so did everyone around us. 

and then my son was born.

JP....i dont think you have to marry someone to show them how much you love them. i think true devotion starts with intention and your soul mate will know by your actions where your true feelings are.always be true. always be kind. i think if you want to love someone- love them fully, respectfully and unconditionally. learn and grow with them and from them and continue to make each other better people. and in that time you find your spark ignites another i employ you to indulge in meeting new people and new interactions. Make your heart full if you feel it hurting.  not bonded by anything physical but truly understanding that you were meant to love. REALLY LOVE. and maybe thats with one person forever, or a series of different people through out your life time in so many different and amazing ways. boys, girls.. just loving people and sparking the light in them only YOU can ignite. and becoming your best self.  only to continue to become your best self with that same intention for others. 

and thats my truth.   i look into your eyes and just want the best for you.knowing that’s different for you as it is me. but realizing i want to live by the example i want you to live by.

.... im not her anymore.

the day you were born i became someone new. 

[teamevilwinter-blog]

Luna ( A Winter Soldier Story) Part 12

Pairing: Bucky x OC(Luna) 

Summary:  Character is a super soldier who escaped Hydra after S.H.E.I.L.D fell. As she recounts her past she finds herself in New York City seeking out a certain soldier who is the only one who can help her find peace within herself. This chapter is the conclusion to the series.

Word Count: 2,130 

A/N: I am so relieved to finally have this out. I havent updated in literally forever!! Enjoy! 

Catch up here:  Luna Masterlist  

~ Part 11 ~

Bucky’s POV

“How could this have happened!?! I thought she was under security!!” I shouted at Stark as Steve attempted to pull me back by the arm. I knew it was wrong to be directing all my anger at Stark, especially after all he had done to save Luna in the first place. 

Stark was quick to retort, “I am not the one who should be at blame here! You were the last person to see her before she left. So let me ask you this Barnes. What the hell happened?” 

Steve stepped in between us putting an end to the argument, “This is not the time to be throwing around accusations! We have to focus on the matter at hand. Which is that Luna is gone.” 

“Ran away, seems more fitting.” All heads turned to the figure leaning against the doorway. It was Romanoff, just come back from security central. “I obtained the security footage from the past few hours. While Luna may have disabled the alarms, she left the cameras alone.” 

The red head made her way over to a monitor and synced up her tablet to show us the footage. The first clip was of the hallway just outside this room. The guard was there, this time standing tall and alert. Moments passed and the door creeped open a crack. Something was thrown into the hallway, catching the guards attention. By the time he turned back, it was too late. Luna had used the distraction to her advantage and swung a solid hit to his jaw. The guard stumbled and then Luna swiped at his face, leaving a nasty cut above his eye. 

“What did she use to cut him?” Stark asked, clearly as stunned as the rest of us. 

“Most crucial tip of any assassin: anything can be used as weapon. By the looks of it this room has no shortage of possible ideas.” Natasha replied, her arm gesturing to the multiple items in the room. 

The next several clips showed Luna taking out guard after guard expertly until she finally made it to security central. According to Stark, the whole reason the alarms didnt go off when she left the tower was because Luna hacked into the system and shut it down. 

“We underestimated her.” Steve said what we were all thinking. 

Natasha nodded her head in agreement. “Not to mention she just had surgery. If she can take out this entire tower’s security while still in recovery, imagine her potential when she’s in full health.” 

“Like you said she’s an assassin-” Stark added. 

“- Ex-assassin…. Don’t forget she’s no longer Hydra.” My voice was clipped and no doubt my expression matched. 

Stark threw me a look of pure venom before continuing. “Like I was saying, Luna is an ex-assassin who just perfectly demonstrated she had the ability to leave this tower any time she wanted. But she didn’t because she had no reason to. Now that she’s gone I wonder what her reason was.” 

Even though Stark didnt directly look at me while saying it, it was evident he knew something was up. 

Steve cleared his throat interrupting the thickening silence. “Buck, you mentioned a note when we first got here. That’s how you knew she was gone?” 

“Yeah, I um, found it in a book in her room. I was only there because I couldn’t sleep and found it…comforting.” I tried my hardest to make it sound as normal as possible. Like any guy would just enter a girls room and rifle through their reading selections. Gosh that was real smooth. 

I took the slip out my pocket, unfolded it and read the words that had initially made my heart stop: 

To whom it may concern, 

I’m sorry that I’ve left so abruptly. I couldn’t stand another second in that room or in this tower. I don’t wish for my departure to seem like I’m ungrateful for all that everyone has done for me. You’ve given me my life back and I will forever be thankful. 

 However in the process, some things have arisen that I must deal with on my own. There is no telling how long I will be gone but I assure you I will return to repay the debt that I so heavily owe. 

Thank you all again. And farewell....

Luna 

“’Some things have arisen’? What does she mean by that?” Natasha looked at the others in confusion. 

“Barnes?” I could feel Stark’s eyes boring into the side of my head. 

I sighed. Might as well just say it. “The Winter Soldier…killed Luna’s parents. A fact she became aware of when she experienced repressed memories during her surgery” I faced Stark and looked him dead on. “So technically your right. It is my fault. And so are a million other things. None of which I could control. This included. When I came to talk to her this evening she was….inconsolable. Nothing I said or did made anything better. So maybe I’m insane for saying this but…I think she did the right thing.” 

Stark failed to mask his astoundment,”Are you insane?” 

“He’s right” Natasha stepped in before Stark could continue. “ Those tapes proved she can hold her own just fine. Not to mention she was already living alone for four years prior to coming here. With that aside, we have to consider her emotional state right now. A sudden onset of traumatic memories right after you’ve woken up from brain surgery is a lot. More than even she could handle. We all have our ways of coping. My guess is she didnt leave the city. Just went somewhere where she feels most at peace. To help her get through this.” 

“Oh my gosh.” I whispered. 

“What?” Steve stepped towards me. 

I help up the slip. “Theres a part of the note I didnt read to you. I thought it was just a rhyme that she wrote but I think its a clue. ‘The only place I feel free, amongst the stars I will be.’ Does New York City have an observatory of some sort?” 

“The closest is Staten Island. Which is way too far.” 

“Ok then….whats the tallest building in NYC?” I was starting to figure out where she might have gone. 

“One World Trade Center. Access to the roof is restricted but it has an observatory deck.” Natasha replied. 

“Thats it. I know she’s there.” I was out the door before anyone could question it. I heard Steve called out after me but my mind was already made. 

By the time I made it to the center it was just shy of 9 in the morning. I had opted to walk the whole way through the night using the time to think about what I would say once I found her. After buying a ticket I made my way to the observatory deck, as always keeping a low profile. 

I was surprised at the amount of people, considering how early it was. I searched the crowd looking out for that raven-haired bun I always saw on her. I walked over to the edge of the room passing a  few couples and families with some rowdy kids. 

I peered out of the floor to ceiling windows, tilting my head to the sky. Even though the stars had disappeared hours ago I still felt a strange closeness to it all. A sudden movement caught my right eye and I pivoted to look. Thats when I saw it. A streak of dark tresses piled high ontop of a head and flash of tan skin as the body moved swiftly back into the crowd. 

I took after her, delving between tourists and guides. I caught her just as she was about to enter the elevator to go down. “Luna!” 

The figure turned and thats when my hopes shattered. The girl, a complete and utter stranger, gave a look of bewilderment as she shook my arm away. “Hey! Can I help you sir?” 

“Uh, no. No I’m so sorry I thought you were someone else.” I stuttered out the apology. The girl gave me one last baffled look before stepping away into the elevator. 

I returned to the windows, more frustrated than ever. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she was never here at all. There was a couple not too far away from where I stood, silently admiring the horizon. What caught my attention wasn’t the unusual distance between them, but the girl herself. Or rather her hair. 

Usually I don’t take notice to stuff like that. But this was an exception. It cascaded down her back in loose curls stopping just above her waist. I felt weird staring but something about it just didn't seem right. The guy beside her  walked away revealing her face to me. 

I dared to sneak a glance and when I did I just about fell over. Luna didn't look surprised to see me, she just looked...exhausted. I saw her breathe in deeply but she made no move to walk over. So I did instead.

Just as I came within earshot she started to talk, "James, I have to apol–"

Before I could think about what I was doing I pulled her close to me and met my lips with hers. She tensed and that's when I realized I made a mistake kissing her. I was ready to pull away but then her hand found the back of my neck and she relaxed into the kiss.

My own hands migrated from her waist up to the base of her hair. My god this hair. Why on earth would she keep it up? It transformed her. So much so that I didn’t recognize her when I was initially passed her. 

The kiss grew deep as we disregarded our surroundings and focused soley on the two of us. 

“Hey you two! Get a room will ya?” A brutish voice yell from behind us. That seemed to snap us out of it as we broke apart. Luna was just as breathless as I. Her hand fell from my neck giving me the chance to grab it and guide her away to somewhere with less people. 

Luckily I found a small alcove away from the mass. I checked behind my shoulder out of habit. Then turned back to be met with those bright eyes of her. 

“James-” I raised my hand to stop her. 

“Luna, I knew what you were gonna say and it is not necessary to apologize.” My hands came to rest lightly on her shoulders. 

She gazed at me in confusion. “How can you say that? I practically threw a tantrum right in your face! I yelled and cried and didnt even give you a single chance to explain yourself!” 

“I know. And initially I was incredibly upset that you did that. But then I considered the circumstances. I sorta know what it feels like to wake up from a surgery with your whole life changed.” 

Luna glanced down at my left arm as I saw her visibly gulp. “James....as much as you don't want me to say it, I have to take responsibility for my actions. I probably caused quite the scene back at the tower.” 

I couldn't help but scoff slightly. “Yeah, you could say that.” 

Luna’s expression hinted at guilt. “Is anyone seriously hurt?” 

“Not seriously. Some of those guards may be walking around for awhile with some nasty bruises but they’ll be fine. I have to say though, what you pulled off was pretty impressive despite the circumstances.” 

She sighed, looking off in the direction of the masses. “I completely regret it. I wasn't thinking straight y’know? Just needed to get out of there. Now I doubt Tony will ever let me in the Tower again.” 

That caught me off guard. “Your saying you would return??” 

Luna leaned against the alcove, crossing her arms. “Well of course but I’ve kinda ruined my chances now.” 

I chuckled softly at that. “Your crazy if you think Stark would kick you out of the tower. I mean yeah the guy has got issues, but he isn't cold-hearted. Besides everyone is sorta getting used to having you around. And with talents like yours maybe some day you could be an agent.” 

She looked up at me with hope in her eyes “You really believe that?” 

I stepped towards her, closing the gap between us. “Of course I do.” 

Luna looked down for a moment and when she came back up I noticed a glimmering in her eyes. I wrapped her in a hug as she began to cry. 

Through the quiet sobs, I heard her tearful words. 

“Thank you Bucky. Without you I wouldn't have gotten my life back. Without you I would have ceased to be Luna. Thank you.” 

MMMMMMM The end? Not so fast. there is a very cute epilogue heading your way! 

Tags: @nodramaaloud @peony13 @chipilerendi

[vanta-velouria]

I had a cold dose of reality last night.For a brief moment in my life i let my reality slip and thought maybe my world could be some semblance, some pieced together reflection of what other people lives are like. I for a small time stupidly thought i could have something to hope in, but hope is not a luxury afforded to people like me. 

I am a shit Buddhist, I am a very jealous person and i cant ever seem to let that go. I am jealous of everyone for everything. When I was a child I was jealous because everyone else I ever saw had a family. they had toys and easter bunnies. They had kisses on scraped knees and birthday candles. They had mommies and daddies who loved them. 

I had abuse. I had rape. I had violence and beatings, Eventually I didnt even have a mother because i was too pretty to be kept around her husbands so I got tossed away like rubbish. I was a problem and I was only good enough to come back for when I was old enough to raise her children, clean her home, get a job and pay her rent and her bills. 

while everyone else got sweet sixteens i was a seasoned sex worker with a full time job and three kids to take care of and bills to pay. while everyone else got to stay in high school and go on dates and go to parties, I got to go to work and get my ass beat and screamed at and reminded how worthless i was.

While everyone else got to go off to college and have friends and a social life, I fought my way to pay for college working two full time jobs and whoring myself on the side that maybe one day i could afford to stop having to struggle to just barely survive. I may have looked like i had a glamorous life in college, I modeled and had nice trinkets and sang in dive bars and coffee houses, but I over glamorize my recollections because it makes it easier to swallow. I modeled because it was extra money and would work around my other two jobs and school schedule and being yelled at and degraded for every imperfection on my body isnt something i would ever wish on anyone else. I had nice things and stupid toys, but they were gifts from the men i whored myself out to to pay for college, not presents from some one who loved me or anyone special and it rarely if ever made up for the things they did to me that guilted them into the stupid gifts! and I sang for spare change and whatever money i could make to try to e able to afford a meal every now and then. When you live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and you're poor, you will do whatever it takes to get something to eat once in a while. 

While everyone else got great memories I had reality.

 While everyone else had parents and family that went to their graduations, I had to beg and plead and pay my mother to come to mine of which she only came to one, just one, and only because i paid for her plain ticket and took her out to a fancy restaurant and took her shopping and gave her money and as soon as she was done in the city i gave her money for a plane ticket back to her home. I dont think she even actually went inside to watch me graduate from college. 

Wile the rest of the world gets their mommies and daddies to plan their weddings and walk them down the isles i didnt even get a response to my invitations. I never got to have a real wedding and nobody ever responded from my side. no one ever even looked at me when i was so happy to think maybe i would have someone who would stay with me and not hurt me anymore. nobody even noticed i was there. 

when I almost died and ended up in the hospital more times than i care to count, you think anyone ever showed up for me? you think anyone ever called? only once did i have a friend show up with my dad and that’s only because my dad lived with me and it was in his old car that i got hit and almost killed in. hell after that I never even had anyone come visit me. nobody could have cared any less. when my spine got demolished and i had to have emergency spinal surgery, do you think anyone gave a single shit? nope, I didnt even get but two weeks to recover from the surgery before i had to move and go immediately back to working two jobs to barely survive.

when i finally found a way to start transitioning, i thought maybe just maybe something good will get to happen to me and i can finally have one thing thats just for me in life. I was working two full time jobs and taking care of someone elses home and family at the same time and once again had to go back to sex work to buy groceries and maybe just maybe save a little here and there for my doctor appointments and my hormones. I went through hell just to afford to transition all the while being abused by my wife and the people we were staying with. only two find out after three years of working myself to death to try and even just accomplish this one thing, that i will never be able to physically transition. I wasted all that time and effort and money. the things i had to do to get that money.. all for nothing. while everyone else gets to have hormones and surgeries and even if they get misgendered they at least get support from a friend once in a while. i have always and will always be misgended every minute of everyday by everyone in my life save for three people, two of which i never get to talk anymore and one i only recently became reacquainted with. i will never get to look in the mirror and see anything other than this worthless piece of shit body that isnt good for anything except for other people to fuck once in a while when their drunk and im desperately hurting for money.

whenever my life falls apart do you think i have anyone in the entire world that i could call and ask for even a hug? because when my wife hurt me and left me 4 months ago and i had to live in my car, I tried. I begged everyone i knew to spend time with me and give me a hug. and when my wife finally left my home and I could stop being homeless I offered to pay anyone i knew a lot of money and buy them a plane ticket to just come and stay with me for a week and let me cry. not that I had many people to beg, but every single one turned me down so fast. I put an ad on craigslist and back page offering to pay anyone to just come and stay at my house so i wouldnt have to stay in my home alone. yeah that didnt end well for me and I should have known better, but god i was so tired of being all alone. 

while everyone else can thing of someone, anyone they can call when it all goes to shit, even if they think they have no one they do. they have a friend or a cousin they can go sleep on their couch or a parent they can go back home to even if they dont like the home situation they still at least have that option. 

when my wife was punching my face in i didnt even have friends to cry to or run to or stay with, nope the friend i thought i had took my wifes side and basically said i deserved it because i made my wife miserable by not giving her the life she had wanted. anyone else would have had somewhere to run to or someone to hug them.

I can in all honesty without a shadow of a doubt tell you that when the world falls apart i have never had anyone. not one person i could go to for a hug or a couch to crash on. not one place to call home and run to. and while everyone else gets to fuck it all up and fail and run away and lose themselves and find themselves and just breathe. I have never gotten that luxury, I was always the one everyone turned to, ran to, lived with, lived off of, used, abused, lied to and cheated on. I was always the one saving everyone else and keeping them from ever worrying or having to struggle. I was the one always giving everything up so that everyone else could have a better life. ive never had not one person in the whole world ever offer to give me even a day of peace. 

I will never get to break down, I will never get to fall or fail or run away like all of my exs and friends and everyone i know has. I will never know what its like to have a childhood or a birthday party, I will never know what its to have someone to run to and save me. I will never know what its like to be happy in my own body. i will never know what its like to not have to constantly work two jobs to just try to survive from all the debt and mess that my exs have all left me with when they all take off for fancier lives and richer people. I will never know what its like to have a family or even just a mom. I will never have anything. 

so while everyone else gets to gone on grand adventures and go to concerts and travel the world and have friends and go to clubs and go on dates and transition and have family they can visit and people who love them. while everyone else gets to fall apart sometimes. I will never know not one small faction of what any of that is like. 

that kind of life was never meant for someone like me. that kind of hope was never something i could ever even be allowed to dream of. I am not even a person. I am merely a body for others to use, to take from me what they need or want. money, time, love, sex, hopes and dreams i silently stowed away  knowing i could never have. i am just a thing for people to take everything they want from. and things arent allotted niceties such ad dreams and hope and places to run to. we are just things that exist to be used until we fall apart and are discarded for something better.

i forgot my place in the world for a while there. I have a boyfriend that was kind, even if he isnt in love with me. i have a friend who talks to me more than once every few months via text. i have my dogs and cats that let me cry on them when everyone else is asleep. i for the last few weeks have stupidly forgotten my place in the world and though that maybe, just maybe the univers was going to let me have a good thing. even if it was for long that maybe i could have a reason to wake up in the mornings aside from my obligation to my pets. I thought maybe i was finally going to have a reason to not want to die every minute of my life. 

but thaknfully i got reality checked and i was able to pull my head out of someone elses cloud, some one elses daydream. Thankfully i was reminded before i fell too deep into another persons heaven that things like day dreams and hope and love and friendship and kindness just arent meant for things like me. those are meant for people, not for me. I am just a thing to be used. I am not a person, never have been and never will be. 

For a moment last night i thought, what a dangerous thing it is to have no hope, to have nothing to believe in. what a dangerous thing that would be. if you have nothing than you have nothing to lose and nothing to keep you from running away and just cracking up and finally going mental and killing everyone you can in the world.. but then my dog woke up and shifted around and i was reminded that even though i have no hope, no dreams, nothing to keep me breathing for, I still have five little furry lives i am obligated to and responsible for. fucking exs always running away and leaving behind their responsibilities and pets for me to have to care for and give good lives to.

but my pets are all getting old now and ive bide my time this last almost decade and as much as i will miss their kindness and love, its only a matter of time before they all die and i will have nothing left to keep me here breathing for. it only a matter of time before i can end it all and have nothing left to stay around and suffer for. its only a matter of time before my tired, broken, used up body can finally have some peace.

im not even angry, im just grateful that i didnt forget my place for too long. because i think in all honesty i was wrong last night. not having hope isnt the most dangerous thing, having hope is. 

[until-the-joy-drops-again]

It Was Always You

The song had ended and I couldn't help but to burst out laughing. I needed a day like this, all of my friends in one place, just like old times before everyone was forced to grow up. I turned to look at Adam who, although he was smiling at me, his smile didnt reach his eyes.

"Adam...?" I started to ask as I shifted towards him, but then I realized that everyone else in the room had stepped back, leaving only Adam and I standing in the middle of the floor. I furrowed my brows as I looked around at everyone, until I heard Adam clear his throat. I quickly turned back to him, my face full of questions I couldn't find words for... Adam was looking at the ground, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand like he always did when he was nervous.... finally, he spoke.

"I wrote a new song," he brought his gaze up to me, "for you." He winced, and his face showed more pain and fear than I have ever seen him show in all the years I've known him.

I took a step towards him when the deafening silence that had suddenly filled the whole house was broken by the thumping base of Tom's keyboard. I turned to look at Tom who was staring straight at me... with a look on his face I couldn't read in the single second I made eye contact with him, before turning my whole body back to Adam, who had looked away from me again.

Somehow, my mind was able to piece together the tension that had filled the room that had been at complete peace just ten seconds before. I saw everyone watching me, their bodies and eyes tense, their faces anxious...

I stared back at Adam, suddenly terrified and anxious myself. What the fuck was going on? Then Adam sang...

"Woke up sweating from a dreammmm with a different kind of feelinggggg," he was still just staring at the ground, rubbing the back of his neck. I saw him take a huge breath in between his lyrics, and I saw him fighting himself while he continued his song...

"All day long my heart was beatingggg... Searching for the meaning, oh..." Adam finally brought his gaze up to reach me, it had felt like hours waiting for him to look at me. When our eyes locked the wind was completely knocked out of me. I couldn't breath and I couldn't move. I was completely frozen and I know my face showed everything that was flashing through my mind as I saw the pleading and urgency in the green eyes staring back at me.

My mind raced faster than I ever thought it could. I relived the last time we were face to face. He had needed a friend to listen to him, he was having marriage problems and had come and found me at home. We stayed up all night, talking and drinking. It had taken HOURS before he had finally smiled a real and honest smile at me and I had stupidly, drunkenly, asked him if he was completely happy in his marriage, because it didnt seem like it to me. The look he shot me when I asked him still haunted me up until this morning. I never could put a word to it, but he shut down after that and had gone to bed. When I woke up the next morning, he was gone. I had tried to call him, message him, anything, but he never returned any of them. Eventually, I just left it alone... then about a year ago i had heard they were getting divorced, i called a few more times, but the silence i got in returned spoke louder than anything he could have said by answering me. So I left...

"Hazel eyes," I snapped back to this moment in front of me as Adam took a step towards me. I was terrified when I realized that, honestly, I loved this man standing in front of me. He was my best friend and my everything, even after these past two years of silence. I had somehow managed to shove all those feelings well away in the bottom of a closet and i built a wall around it...and tried to forget it was ever there. But having him, standing in front of me, looking at me with eyes filled with...what? pain? Fear? Hurt? My wall broke, every feeling I had buried and tried to burn, came stampeding over me. Every piece of ash hit me harder than anything I had ever experienced before. And my heart shattered...

It broke for me, it broke for him, it broke for every word or thing we had ever done, and for all those we missed...

Adam was watching me. I felt his entire being trying to read me. I met his gaze as my eyes filled with tears, I tried to shake my head at him as he stepped closer. Now I saw the pain mirrored back at me. But there was something else too. An urgency, a pleading for... something...

"I was so color blind...We were just wasting time, uh uh babe.." he stepped up to me now, inches from me but neither of us moved to close that tiny gap..

I was drowning inside my head. Wasting time? Was this his final goodbye? Was I going to lose him again? I couldn't look at him anymore. I closed my eyes and looked away, willing my tears back, willing my wall back. Then I felt his hands on my arms, grabbing me, trying to bring me back to him...

"For my whole life, we never crossed the line, Only friends in my mind, but now I realize" he reached up and cupped my face with his hands. It was electric. So much power surged through me, my breath caught and my eyes opened to find his face so close to mine I could feel the heat coming off of it. He eyes burned right through mine.

"It was always you."

I hadnt realized I hadnt been breathing until I gulped in a huge wave of air. My eyes darted back and forth, focusing wholly on his eyes. I saw EVERYTHING. I saw every one of his demons, I saw the toll these past few years took on him, and from him. I saw his regrowth from what he had been. I saw Adam, I saw all of him

"Can't believe I could not see it all this time...All this time..It was always YOU."

Somehow my brain shut down but sped up.. I felt my face only registering that complete shock of this single moment. A single, tiny moment that said everything.

"Now I know why my heart wasn't satisfied..."

Adam was still holding my face in his hands, I saw a question flicker across his eyes as he slowly ran his hands away from my face, down my neck, across my shoulders, and down my arms. It happened in mere moments, but it felt like forever. My skin lit up wherever he touched me. It sent shocks through my entire body. My mind went into defense mode, forcing my body to stand still, while all of me just wanted to melt into him.

"Satisfied...It was always you, you...No more guessing who," Adam took my hands in his and gently pulled me into him and led me in the smallest of dances, just one single circle but I felt it change my entire life. My body broke, my walls broke, my heart shattered and built back stronger, my entire body warmed instantly as I looked into those amazing green eyes that I was REALLY seeing for the first time, looking at ME.

"Looking back now I know it was always you...Always you..."

His eyes bore into mine. I felt like he was seeing my soul. It made my stomach tingle and my skin feel like it was on fire. I had no idea what he was seeing in mine, I felt like my entire being, my entire existence, was being reborn. Then I saw the question cover his gaze, his pupils dialated standing in front of me...

"All my hidden desires...Finally came alive, hmm..." he turned me in another circle, faster this time and caught me when he stopped. His arm wrapping around my waist and his hand planted firmly yet gently on the small of my back. His other arm made a movement as though he wanted to touch my face again, but he visibly flinched and instead took hold of my arm. His face somehow managed to break my soul again. The questions he held in his eyes were gone, they were replaced by the most heart wrenching pain.

"No, I never told lies...To you so why would I...Start tonight"

I finally regained control of my body and wrapped my arm, under his and placed my hand on his back, clenching at his clothes...

"Hazel eyes, I was so color blind...We were just wasting time, uh uh yeah..." I grabbed at his shirt with my other hand. I felt him tense when I touched him and his eyes got bigger as he watched me.

"For my whole life, we never crossed the line...Only friends in my mind, but now I realize"

I brough my hand up and cupped his face, bringing our foreheads together. I looked at him, into him, through him, hard. I spoke his name, a name I had spoken hundreds of times before, but THIS time, it felt new. It felt warm, and safe... and it felt like forever... then I sang the next line with him..

"It was always you"

His face didnt register anything for a second, then all the darkness it had been holding, vanished, And he jerked back from me to really look at me, and his face flooded with happiness. His eyes sparkled and he broke out into the most genuine smile. He looked at me like he was taking everything in for the first time. My eyes, my face...his voice was so much softer as he continued, moving his face closer to mine...

"Can't believe I could not see it all this time...All this time..." our noses touched softly first, then our foreheads. My hands were moving on their own, my mind finally let my body do what it had been wanting to do, NEEDING to do.

"It was always you."

I suddenly found myself laughing and the entire world went away. I was no longer in my house, surrounded by my friends, there was no music, there was nothing but Adam. Standing here, in this exact moment, with me.

"Now I know why my heart wasn't satisfied...Satisfied...It was always you," his hands were on my face while I found mine wrapped around his body. My smile was huge, but it faded as we came together. His lips touched mine with a tentativeness, just a small, slow kiss that shot through me like a thousand bullets and made me gasp. Adam heard me and smiled, warm and pure before his lips met mine again. This time there was no question in it, it was replaced by a hunger for something that was way overdue. He kissed me long, and hard until our smiles caused our lips to part.

"It was always you," he was speaking now, low, only for me, as the music continued to play around us, "I'm sorry I disappeared, but I needed space, i needed to do things right...i needed to do THIS right. My marriage was never anything. My divorce wasnt because of you, but because it wasnt what i needed and I always...i just have always needed YOU." He pulled back just far enough to look at me, to let me see for myself that what he said was true.

"Adam..." I trailed off as I finally caught the sound of everyone around us cheering. I laughed softly again and felt myself blushing as Adam heard them too. I could see him chuckle softly, see his shoulders bob once with it. Then they all started singing...

"No more guessing who....Looking back now we know it was always you...Always you!"

Adam laughed now, out loud, and with his whole body. Seeing him purely happy made me laugh too. Adam took my hand and spun me, catching me again with his arms tight around me, his one hand on the back of my neck, and kissed me, hard as our friends kept singing the last of the song around us.

"Ah, yeah (you, you, you, always you, you, you)

Ah, yeah (you, you, you, always you, you, you)"

It was in those moments, standing, wrapped in Adam's arms, that I felt the absolute pure joy of complete and total happiness. My hands gripped at him. I felt the firmness of his back, the muscles on his shoulders, the hair on the back of his head. He kissed me again... and then again, and again. Then he sang again, his eyes still closed, his lips still touching mine...

"Woke up sweating from a dream...With a different kind of feeling...It was always you...Even if I could not see it all this time...All this time...It was always you... always..." but then his voice was drowned out by everyone else and he kissed me again. Harder. His hands moving over my body, his fingernails digging in to all my curves he found.

"Now we know why his heart wasn't satisfied, satisfied...It was always you.... youuuuuu" the house sang around us, but I dont think either one of us remembered they were there.

I felt his tongue on mine and my body responded instantly, my hands roaming his back, grabbing onto his shoulders and hips and anything else I touched. I felt his hands in my hair, grabbing handfuls and trying to bring me in closer to him. Our kisses got faster, more urgent and messy...

"No more guessing who...Looking back now we know it was always you, always you...It was always you"

The music died away and the knowledge that there were so many people, standing in a circle around us, cheering and clapping FINALLY, hit home. With one final, earth shattering kiss, we pulled away from each other, and started laughing.

We both turned to face everyone, but kept our embrace as much as we could. My arm was wrapped around Adam's waist, with my other hand settled on his chest. When I felt that deep rumble of a full laugh come out of Adam, I looked back up at him.

"Alright, alright! We get it!" He laughed at everyone who were still cheering and laughing for us. Adam felt my gaze and looked down at me, tightening his hold on my waist and bringing me back into him and kissed me again. This time the cheers started turning into the usual, "get a room," type of remarks. Adam pulled back, "should we go talk for a little while?"

Before I could even answer, the house swelled with more music as everyone grinned at us and turned away, another song already being sung. I grinned at Adam and nodded, he grabbed my hand and led me outside.

[jugheads-and-burgers]

The Question of Thought

A/N: WOW! This took a lot of thought. This was based of The Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order, because it’s my new favorite song. I decided to split it into 2 parts based on verse 1 and 2. I hope you enjoy it! :)

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Masterlist

Jughead x Reader

Summary: When you and Jughead broke up, it raised some crazy thoughts inside your head. To help you two get over it, you, Veronica and the gang go to the karaoke bar, only for you to sing your heart out, drunk, because of it, it gets Jughead to think about his mistake.

Warnings: none

Word Count: I have no idea

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 The whole fight was hazy to you. The conversation was the usual, but it was obvious that there was something wrong with Jughead, because he kept Fidgeting. Until I couldn’t take it anymore and asked him. That was when the conversation went from sweet to heated.

“Do you care about this relationship?” I couldn’t tell if he was joking because he still had a neutral expression on.

“Of course Juggie, what makes you think I don’t care about this relationship as much as you do?“

“Then prove it. Show me how much this means to you.” I stood motionless and felt fixed right at my spot. What am I going to do? I know! I’ll just tell him… I love him. What? Did i just think of that? Do I actually love him? Or is this just a heat of the moment thing? I mean if I tell him I love him, this could be a 50/50 chance, he might feel the same or this might go down. If he feels the same way, does this mean we might actually get serious? 

Every time I think of you

I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue

The thought scared me, so I suggested that we should just end it and he agreed. So, that was that. Here I was sitting at the edge of the pool with my feet in the water, thinking about our joyous times together. The way his whole face would light up when he sees me, the way he would hold me when I was hurt, our daily dates at Pop’s… It all hurt too much. I did not realized how much it would hurt now, when my broken heart was left to decay inside of a lifeless body. The memory of Jughead that once gave me happiness and warmth, now turned into overpowering pain and sadness. It’s funny how it all seemed so distant now, like I lived it in a past life, the memories so far, but not long ago. My tears plopped on the blue water, making peaceful ripples across the surface. Crickets chirped in the distance, the night sky illuminating it’s starry individuals. I remembered the time me and Jughead had went to the last night of the Twilight Drive-in. Us cuddled up. At one point I dazed off, looking up at the sky. He had asked me if I was bored, since I’ve watched this movie a million times already, I had told him something cheesy that made him laugh, but I couldn’t remember what. Oh, the pain of the good memories.

It’s no problem of mine

But it’s a problem I find

Living a life that I can’t leave behind

It’s been a week, and me and jughead were still distant to each other and kept zoning out of the real world, stuck in our endless thoughts. I hung out with the gang, to not make the situation obvious, I didnt really have a problem with the whole situation because I think what I did was for the greater good, but my friends were a reminder of the life I had with Jughead. This didn’t go un-noticed by my friends of course.

“Hello?” Kevin waved his hand in front of my face, to get my distracted attention.

“Everyhting alright with you two?” Archie asked directly to me and Jughead, raising his eye brows at the same time.

“Ya.” You and Jughead chorused. You locked eyes for a second and looked away as quickly as possible. The gang exchange looks, then the bell rang, interrupting the interrogation. You quickly bolted out, until a hand held onto your wrist, hoping it was Jughead. But, it was blind hope, it was just Veronica.

But there’s no sense in telling me

The wisdom of the fool won’t set you free

“Hey, I know you two are broken up. It didn’t take us long to make a conclusion, by the way. But, honestly if your just going to be like this forever, forget it. I want my friend back! So, I’m telling you, get over him.” She said with a concern look on her face, I gave her a sorry smile in return.

“I can’t Ronnie. I’ve tried that already.” I said to her as we walked to our next class.

“The wisdom of the fool won’t set you free Y/N.” Oh, how you wanted to take her advice.

“How about this, Karaoke tonight, me, you and the whole gang? To keep your mind of things.”

“Oh, I don’t know V…”

“Come on Y/N, it will he fun!” Betty said as she approached me and Veronica.

“Oh, alright. Only if we all get ready together.” I suggested, they both noded excitedly.

“OH MY GOSH, Yes! This is going to be so much fun!” Veronica squealed as her and B made there way to class.

But that’s the way that it goes

And it’s what nobody knows

Well every day my confusion grows

As the teacher lectured about Algebra, you couldn’t help thinking about your relationship with Jughead. What does this relationship actually mean to me? If it got me all tied up into this, it must mean something more than it’s showing. I care about Jughead as much as he cares about me. But what made him question it all? I got to admit we both felt absent to the whole thing after Jason’s murder, but not so absent that he questioned it. He has always been there for me when I was down, he would be there when I needed him, and most of all I did the same, nothing more and nothing less. I was there by his side when his mother and his sister left, I supported him when he left home, I gave him an option to live with me, when he left the Drive-in I was there for him, I caught him when he was falling…

I snapped out of thought when a ruler was slapped against the board.

“Miss Y/L/N, what is the degree of this term?” I looked the equation and studied it.

(4x) - 1/2y + 77xy + 390x

“4. There are four terms.” I said smugly.

“Very good. You might be good at Math, but it does not give you the reason to not pay attention.” She resumed back to her boring lesson. My body was still shacking from the sudden spot light that was held on me. I went back into deep thought. I can’t do anything about this, can I? The thought of it kept marbabling inside me, only to nurse the confusion, until it grew up into madness.

That night me, Betty, Veronica and Kevin got ready together. As Veronica did my make-up, Betty did my hair, and Kevin updated us with the latest gossip. We all got ready in no time. At 7:00 we arrived at the Karaoke bar. The Boys were already there sitting at our table with cups brown vial, that seemed like beer. The alcohol seemed alluring, so I drank a bit, until I couldn’t stop myself anymore. In no time I was a drunk and dancing like a crazy person.

JUGHEAD’S POV

The girls arrived with Kevin just in time, each wore something fancy. Y/N in particular was stunning. She wore a tight dress that fitted her just nicely, and her hair was swirled up elegantly. Why would I ever leave that girl? Before I knew it everyone was a little loopy.

“Okay, guys. We’re defeating our purpose here. It’s suppose to be karaoke night not drink until we’re wasted on the floor night.” Veronica said with a frown on her face.

“You’re right V, we should have fun the way we intend to.” Kevin dragged Betty on stage.

“Hi, every one.” Betty said in an indecipherable sentence. Kevin giggled as everyone laughed with him.

“This is for all the single ladies out there.” He shouted. Single ladies boomed out of the speakers as he and Betty sang, while doing the famous dance move to the song. I sobered up a bit, but not enough to drive home, but enough for me to remember. Y/N Sat opposite of me laughing in her own little world, she was the drunkest out of all of us, I was the least. When the song ended Y/N rushed on stage, stumbling to get up. She shouted

“Me too, me too, me too!” As she ran there.

“Alright let’s do this. Put New Order by The Bizarre Love Triangle. This is for you Juggie Jones.” I sit up straight from the sudden mention of my name. The song started and she sung it in a way you would’ve thought she wasn’t drunk.

“Every time I see you falling I get down on my knees and pray. I’m waiting for that final moment, you say the words that I can’t say.“ She sung in a sweet voice as her sad eyes starred me down. The song was true in our situation, as if it was made for us. The whole gang wouldn’t stop nudging me during the song.

“Ooo, Juggie.” They said the whole entire time. We went home short after. When me and Archie arrived home, Archie collapsed in his bed, quickly sound asleep. I laid in my sleeping bag, as the alcohol played with my thoughts. She was all I could think about. Why did I agree to let her go? The thought swirled around my drunken mind. Why didn’t I go after her when she ran out ? My mind eventually dozed off with the thought of her.

——————————————————————–

A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed it! If you guys want I can do a part 2 based on verse 2. If you have feedback PLEASE let me know.

[caepaecaesurae]

> Kankri : Use Small Words

CC: There was going to be tea at this conversation, and Caesurae knew that Kankri found some measure of calmness in the rituals of making and preparing it.  At least he was fairly sure.  ... He watched impotently from the door of the kitchen, fidgeting with his hands.

ML: Kankri calmly heated his water for the pot and arranged his tray with sugar and precious cream and two cups. He went through his motions at an even pace, pouring the water into its pot to steep. A single type of tea for this meeting rather than the sort of tastings he did for recreation.

When all was done he took the tray and carried it, pausing to reassuringly nudge and nuzzle the very tall sea dweller, and set it down on the table, settling himself to sit.

CC: Caesurae hesitated, glancing between the seat at Kankri's side and the one opposite him.  Fins shifted, he poked one index finger with the other, and decided to sit next to his moirail. ML: What a terribly good choice. Kankri rewarded him by gently patting his leg. "You aren't in trouble, Cronus." He told him gently. CC: His shoulders dropped almost immediately with relief.  ...Followed by a flush, as he realised how transparent -- and emotional -- he was being.  After a moment he tried to play it off with a soft laugh, rubbing the back of his neck.  "..Thanks.  Sorry."

"...So...  I hear I'm wvrong?" ML: "-Why did you think I would be angry with you?" He looked up at him, studying his face. It would be easier to watch his face if he were across from him, but harder to offer physical comfort, it was a compromise.

"I'm afraid you are, although I applaud you for considering peaceful resistance." CC: "Not .. Angry, exactly.  Sparks and Nadaya seemed to havwe an amount of concerned upset,"  He rubbed behind his fin with a shrug, looking back at Kankri.  ..He did blush slightly at the comment about peaceful resistance. ML: "I saw that." He murmured. "They appear to be very worried about you, why do you think that is?" CC: "Because they don't wvant to think about me getting attacked."  He shrugged. ML: "Is that all?" He prompted gently. CC: "Probably?"  He glanced at Kankri uncertainly. ML: "Why did they say they were upset?" It had been long enough, he quietly poured some of the tea into their cups and stirred them then added cream and offered Caesurae his. CC: He accepted the cup, and wrapped his hands around it.  "... Because they wvere wvorried about me and wvanted me to fight back." ML: He picked his own cup up and blew at it sipping. "Low bloods are often told that it is their fault when they're attacked, they weren't submissive enough, or pleasing enough." CC: "... I don't havwe to deservwe it for passivwe resistance to be the right option." ML: "Why is that?" CC: "Being aggressivwe wvill get me seen as an Alternian Highblood.  Not my aesthetic.  ...Not necessarily a safe aesthetic, depending on wvho you listen to."  He brought the tea up to blow on, then let the cup down again. ML: "Are you afraid of the things that Arlequin fears?" He asked curiously. CC: He sighed, softly, quiet a few moments longer.  "... I don't think it wvould happen spontaneously.  I don't think there wvould be no cause.  No wvarning.  I think I wvould havwe to in some wvay 'provwe' myself, evwen fallaciously, to be the highblood they wvant to mistrust and fear.  ..but I am not....good, at noticing wvhat wvill and wvill not anger others, in general." CC: Read as : Kinda, but with enough caveats to choke a horse and render the opinion safely neutral. ML: "Do you know when you're nervous you throw the word 'chief' out more often?" He sipped his tea thoughtfully. "So you believe they will turn on you for being a highblood for doing something you didnt realize was wrong." CC: His fins pinned back, and he hesitated, fidgeting slightly in place.   ...  A sigh, and his shoulders dropped again, and Cronus nodded.  "...I'd...noticed, aye."

"..It's a concern, aye." ML: "I cannot imagine that the way they handled  Vriska soothed those fears at all." CC: ...A soft sigh.  "..Not...entirely." CC: ".. They are permitted their anger.  I should not risk mine." ML: "You are allowed to be angry, Caesurae. It's a matter of managing what you do with it- and in that particular case I cannot say whether they were in the right." CC: He tisked softly.  "Choosing not to showv it is one wvay to manage it." ML: "It is, but never showing frustration and emotion comes across as calculated, or submissive. The first will gain you suspiscion, the second causes people to worry. You are a proud and bold warrior of a people who value strength of character and loud opinions, when you espouse these things it makes you seem .. hurt. So hurt that you must rely on pity rather than your own strength." CC: He made a face, nose wrinkling sourly.  "And wvhen that proud, bold wvarrior happens to be a former slavwer wvho has done wvrong?" CC: "One wvho can point to no evwidence of change aside from 'But I say I'm sorry'?" ML: "Oh? Do you think that is all you have on your side?" His eyebrows arched CC: "Yes!" CC: Kankri finally got the seadweller to raise his voice, briefly.  Good job. ML: He squeezed his leg quietly. "It has been two sweeps, Cronus. You fought beside them, you helped bring an end to Her, you quadranted Me. You have been helping me to build things here that we never thought possible. You quit drinking and formed ties to the community, strong ones. I know that two sweeps is not long for a sea dweller, but for those of us who are warmer its actually a significant amount of time." CC: "...I wvill alwvays be a highblood, dear.  I do not think my loyalty is in question, only my wvorth." ML: "Your worth?" He questioned. CC: ".... Justice," he decided.  It wasn't the right word.  "Evwery situation is different, evwery upset unique, and I wvill nevwer knowv wvhat wvill cause the next or it wvould be avwoided.  Is my error strong enough This time?  The next?  The next?" ML: He sat his cup down and reached a hand up, caressing his cheek gently. "I will not allow it." CC: Caesurae sighed, and leaned his cheek into the touch.  "...and that wvill be a lovwely solution -- /After/ any immediate conflict has passed.  I wvill not alwvays havwe the time to call you, if I am accosted." CC: "..Passivwity is a short term solution, until longer civwil ones can be found." ML: "Cronus, if you defend yourself I will be at your side in the afterward, I will not allow them to crucify you over it. If you trust no one else with this, trust me. And yes, even against my brother." CC: "...I wvould lose more, in such a defense, than .."  He'd lose more body parts if he Didn't defend himself.  He trailed off, hesitating. ML: "I know you believe you deserve whatever comes but I do not believe that, and shall continue to not believe that." CC: ".. I don't knowv [i]wvhat[/i] I deservwe." ML: "You deserve to be happy and healthy, you are entitled to be angry and sad, as well. What you are not entitled to is lashing out physically out of anger, and other such things." CC: "But you wvant me to lash out in a fight," he observed tartly. ML: "I want you to defend yourself when you're attacked." He raised his eyebrows. "That is entirely a different matter." CC: Caesurae visibly bit back a tart response, looking back at Kankri, then forced himself to sigh and leaned against the warmer troll visibly.  ... He sipped at the tea. CC: "..It's Going to be misunderstood," he warned reluctantly, not meeting Kankri's eyes. ML: "By whom?" He murmured. "Angry trolls will always take any excuse they can, Cronus. And even no excuse. .." A soft frown and then he asked gently. "..Do you any longer have faith in authority, love?" Since his execution.. CC: The executed Orphaner Cronus Ampora scoffed softly, glancing aside.  ..sip. CC: Sounds Like A No. ML: "Ah" He murmured softly. ML: "I, for one, would not like to be the troll who had severely harmed one of the Artifex's friends." CC: He sighed, softly.  "..He has many friends, and it's the other ones on that list I'm wvorried about.  I do not fear strangers, Kankri." ML: "You do not believe he will side with you if a conflict arises?" CC: "It depends on the conflict!" CC: "He wvas allowved to kill her because He thought it wvas wvrong and no one could muster the wvill to stop him, their friendships stronger than their desire to intervwene.  WVhat about the next time someone wvants to strike, and no one is wvilling to swvay them?" CC: "WVhat about the next time I look terribly suspicious, or Talk wvrong, or some /legitimate/ grievwance rises?" ML: "..Dearest." his tone was gentle. "Take a deep breath. This sounds like you're panicking and failing to take into account the severity of what she had done. Not every action one takes, even actions one disagrees with is going to bring forth the same reaction." CC: Caesurae's fins pinned, and he looked at Kankri in what was suspiciously close to anguish, but he forced his chin to drop and tried to regather his wits.  ...Sulkily, he filled the pause with a sip of tea. CC: "....It takes only once, not evwery time.  I havwe forevwer," he tried in a more reasonable tone. ML: "Its sheer anxiety." He told him firmly. "You do not sit over a percipice where one wrong step will send you falling. No one is waiting for you to make a single misstep in your balancing act." ML: "..We are not Arlequin to suddenly kill you because you spoke too sharply once." CC: Cronus winced, visibly, his fins pinning again.  ... He sulkily stirred his tea. ML: A warm hand gently reached up to stroke one of the pinned fins. CC: He shifted uncomfortably, reaching up to rub his own bicep, not looking back at Kankri yet. CC: "...you say that," he said softly. ML: "..I who lost my life through toture, because I said that trolls could live peacefully and equal, say that here, in this time and place, the boy who follows my teachings, is not going to exile you to the bubble realm because of a misunderstanding." CC: Cronus ..tried to ease an arm around Kankri, to hug him like a teddy bear and grumble indistinct little sounds into his hair. ML: It was a good thing he had already set his tea down. He eased his arms back around the sea dweller. He was here. CC: "..if you're wvrong, I am going to givwe you /such/ a look," he murmered. ML: "I shall deserve it." He nuzzled into him. After all he did have a terrible track record with staying alive- no, no none of that. CC: A gentle nuzzle back. CC: "... I do not knowv howv to showv anger wvithout being ...  like my alternates, or my past," he offered in a soft voice, finally. ML: He pressed a gentle kiss to him. "Perhaps that is something we should work on- learning to safely express anger. You do see the things your alternates do that are wrong?" CC: "Too often." ML: "What sort of things do they do that you are afraid you will do?" CC: "I do not havwe the wvords.  I just don't wvant to be them, and I don't entirely wvant to risk wvhat I havwe.  ..but its...starting not to wvork ..." CC: "It wvorked fine for a wvhile, wvhat changed?" ML: "I don't believe theres anything in particular you did that was wrong. Psi.. Well. He does seem to be stirring things up in many ways. It is simply the advent of talking to more and more varied people, who do not know you." He nuzzled his head against him. "Yelling is quite alright, but try to keep what you say logical, rather than simply lashing out, I believe is part of the key." CC: "But the single highest complaint I havwe heard is that I am not showving emotion -- I stay rational, and that is wvrong!" ML: "..Try varying your text" He suggested. ML: "Capslock, italics, bolding." CC: ..skeptical glance. ML: "They lend different 'tones' to your words, emphasis and capslock in particular brings to mind a troll who is yelling." CC: Caesurae glanced aside, uncomfortably. ML: "..Perhaps as well not couching things in so many caviats" ML: His jaw received kisses. CC: "I do not enjoy yelling.  Nor directness." ML: "Why is that?" CC: "WVhy do you Think?" ML: "What I think is pure speculation, I am asking you directly." CC: "I havwe literally been executed for crudity and directness, and that or stating an opinion tends to directly precede most attempts on my life." CC: "It is discomforting, I try not to." CC: "It does not come naturally to be open about these things." ML: "I believe that may be something we need to work on." He frowned. "That is a very unfortunate correlation you've drawn." CC: Caesurae grunted dubiously, leaning against Kankri and resisting the urge to mutter.  "...I seek commonalities.  I do not enjoy dismissing others, regardless their sins.  This, somehowv, is 'ass-kissing' and 'manipulation'." CC: "I avwoid anger in conflict for the comfort of myself and others, and this is wvrong.  Not speaking is wvrong.  The wvay all of my alternates express their anger -- and the wvay I wvould be prone to if I did -- is most assuredly Also wvrong." CC: "There is Nothing... Left." ML: He took in a long breath and let it out slowly. He leaned back and kissed him quietly. "Partially it isn't anger with you so much as anger with those you speak with, I think. There are some very uncompromising souls amoung us. The fact that  you speak politely and gently to them and present things in the best light you can will seem like manipulation to many and .. you do manipulate people love, even if from long habit." CC: The next sigh was softer.  "..I knowv," he admitted. ML: "There was a time I was highly critisized for speaking like a highblood does." He murmured. "And there are often those in disbelief that anyone would be so kind, seeking for motives as to why I put them at ease." CC: "..There's no wvinning." ML: "It is a product of Alternia, where every hand is turned against the others, and the people who lived there cannot trust, because they have been taught that trust will get them hurt and killed. If you speak plainly, but politely you will get further, its the hedging about which makes them uneasey, although it makes you a fantastic diplomat." CC: "Irony itself, that diplomacy makes standard speech more difficult.  ...The hedging seems more honest to me." CC: "...Plainly wvould be shorter sentences?  WVith less detail?" ML: "Yes love." ML: "Fewer caviats" CC: Distasteful face. CC: "..I'll.. ..try," he said softly, not fully convinced. CC: After a bit he sighed again, snuggling in more firmly, shoulders lowering.  "..Fewver cavweats, I can try." CC: "..Is the occasional manipulativwe behavwior.. ..offputting?"  Hesitant glance, quirked fins. ML: He hummed quietly, fingers reached up and brushed at a fin then behind it. "It entirely depends on what you are doing." CC: Cronus sighed, easing slightly and leaning into the touch, his eyes hooding.  ".. just.. ..phrasing things inoffensivwely.  ..I don't knowv.  Do I do things that are offputting?  ..WVhat are they?" ML: "I'm not on tumblr very often." He murmured. "..but presenting problematic things in the best light while ignoring the parts which would make people mad is ... not a good habit." CC: He grimaced softly, fin shifting slightly before he elaned back into the touch. ML: "I know it isnt the only thing that you do, but it is the one most likely to be caught." CC: "...and if I ignore the parts that people are angry about, WVithout focusing on any positivwe aspect?" he tried, knowing it wouldn't work. ML: "I'm sorry love, it seems dishonest." CC: He squeezed Kankri gently, nodding reluctantly into his shoulder.  "..Duly noted." ML: "..I am sorry" His voice was soft. "I know you are afraid." CC: This grunt was more dubious, his fins settling stubbornly.  ".. Caution is not fear." CC: "Nor am I facing this problem wvith hesitation." ML: "..Sweetheart." Soft exaspiration and pity. CC: The soft frustrated noise was half grunt and half whine.  Big seadwellers don't afraid of nothing. ML: "You died of an expected conflict because you misread a situation, there is no shame in being afraid of it happening again" CC: "..I am Not Afraid." ML: This was the most dubious face. CC: Cronus bumped his cheek against Kankri scoldingly, then glanced away while squeezing him.  "...anywvay, I lovwe you, and there is Lingering Caution." ML: "For Some Strange Reason." He murmured, a warm squeezable thing in his arms. He should be careful sea dwellers can squeeze a lot tighter than his bones can take. CC: Cronus snorted soft agreement.  ...He was careful, he'd made that mistake before. CC: Some habits were very ...very... hard to forget. ML: "Just remember there is a difference between being direct and being insulting, and you should be fine." He told him. CC: "..and if I'm inherently insulting somehowv?" ML: "I am not certain what you mean?" CC: "..I manage it accidentally often enough," ML: He kissed his shoulder, close to his neck but not on his gills. "How do you mean?" CC: It was so difficult to think of examples or put it into words.  .. Well, there was one.  "... I didn't.. intend, to make it sound as though I 'knewv better' than Mit, right before he attacked me." CC: "...I grumbled a bit and tossed a cigarette butt past Pal, the time he tried to attack me.  Not -- at him, just past him.  ..but he wvas too hair-trigger, and that wvas enough ..." ML: "My dearest love. ..My brother is .." He paused and tried to find some gentle and nice way to put this. "..tempermental. If he was in a mood that night literally anything you said would have set him off. It isn't you. ..As for Pal that was also not your fault, there is literally no way you could have known he was so hair strung that anything could have set him off." CC: "..and these are the trolls from wvhich I must defend myself," he murmered softly.  "Or do you mean to say there is no wvay to avwoid occasionally being attacked?" ML: "I am telling you that it is nothing you have or have not done, they are not well, playing upon pity will not help you." He shook his head. CC: Fins shifted, quietly.  "..I must adapt to the wvorld in wvhich I find myself, fair or otherwvise.  ...If you say so, though." ML: "This is maladaptive." He murmured. "You must find another way, which is why we've been talking about this." ML: He hesitated. "-Psii said that you questioned his judgement, I think? What was it you said?" CC: A slow sigh, and a nod, and he settled again against Kankri.  ..the question made his fins shift uncomfortably.  He didn't like being wrong.  Being wrong and saying stupid things was dangerous and uncomfortable.  "...something about ..."

He hesitated, before forcing himself to continue.  This was Kankri, it would be fine.  Even if his stomach was a little tenser, he could get the words out.  "..I wvas concerned that he could not bring himself to tell me off." CC: "..That he might be... humoring the attempt at friendship solely out of fear of the alternativwe, and unable to say so." CC: "...he took Great offense." CC: "...WVithout Technically contradicting me, although I don't think that fear wvas founded." ML: He persed his lips and spoke carefully, and slowly. "I know that it is very difficult for you, because you are used to making calls you may or may not want to make for the good of others, as a highblood, but if you ever decide that you aren't any good for me for instance, without consulting me, I shall drag you by the ear as fair warning." ML: "..The severity of the reaction was out of bounds but I do understand the reaction." ML: "..Do you already understand what went wrong or do you need me to go over it?" He asked gently. CC: "--Look, I kept asking him, I kept trying to get him to say anything about wvhether wve wvere friends or not and he WVouldn't, wvhat else wvas I supposed to think?  If wve wveren't friends, and hadn't been for swveeps on Beforus, wvhy else wvould he be talking wvith me?"   Cronus ran his hand through his hair, visibly distressed.

"He's said since that he wvants to..try?  WVhich I'd like?  But I don't knowv.." CC: He sighed again.  "..I knowv, nowv, wvhy he got mad.  It wvasn't wvhat I wvas meaning to do.  I wvas just..trying to help." CC: "..you can see if you like." ML: "I would like that, it would make the whole thing much easier to understand." He gently patted at him, soft paps. "..I understand why you might think that as well, love, even if you misread the situation." CC: "..it wvasn't.. a good time."  His voice softened as he finished that. CC: ..It took a minute or so to produce his tablet, rub surrepetitiously at his facial scars, then offer it up. ML: He spent a moment, before he took it, papping at him, rubbing gently behind fins, kissing his scars gently. Eventually it would be in his hands and he could look over the log. ML: He settled in against him so Cae could see the screen and pointed at the first small section. "This part was Psii awkwardly inviting you to come see his cats -here you seem to rebuff him and tell him that he does not know what he wants, that you do not consider him a friend from your end -Here he reminds you that you had wanted to be friends, and you had agreed to try that -and here is where you tell him he is too broken to make a decision and take the choice from him." CC: Caesurae leaned against him, and re-read it along with his moirail.  He sounded oddly tired, as he responded.  "..As I recall, I wvasn't feeling safe enough to go somewvhere alone wvith him.  I noticed the invwitation." CC: "..Perhaps the prevwious convwersation is important." ML: "It may perhaps be, why were you feeling unsafe love?" ML: His voice was soft. "..Perhaps if you had told him you were too nervous for that that night, instead of working yourself into blocking him..?" CC: "..I blocked him at the end of the convwersation immediately prior to that, as wvell.  I also wvrote...  A letter, that has not and likely wvill nevwer be delivwered.  ... He opened it, after the incident on the roof, before handing it back to me.  Did he mention it to you?" ML: "He did, he was nearly in tears over it, and that you thought he could do something like that." CC: Caesurae's capacity to emote had drifted away on the wind again, and he rubbed lightly at his cheek bone, considering.  "..Our prevwious convwersation made me realise it wvas possible for a man wvith his skills to do." CC: ... He reached for the tablet, to search up another log. ML: He let him have the tablet to drift fingers up ward again and stroke his hair and his face, chirping a soft worried sound as he shut down.   "He thought you knew him better than you do." CC: "... Alternia hardens a man." was the soft, neutral answer, from the Orphaner to the Signless. CC: "..and a man's friends are different than those he has no tie to." ML: "You took the line where he told you you had not been friends when you tormented him to mean you were not currently friends?" he questioned, scanning the whole thing with a wince on his face. "..He was venemous that night, Do you recall what set him off?" CC: "...I suppose I did.  If he had not been tolerating me socially out of some lingering sense of Beforan friendship, then wvhy?" CC: A quiet moment passed.  "..I don't remember.  As far as I could tell, he became angered wvhen I mentioned pan-frying and Beforus.  As he tends to." ML: "Those are very sensitive topics." He murmured "..I will be honest with you he often toys with you in a way I do not entirely approve of, and I believe some nights he geniunely loathes you, where others he wants friends, and especially friends who know what hes been through that he does not need to explain himself to overly much." ML: "..I think he forgets that you cannot know what goes on in his head and do not understand him, while also banking on those things to protect himself." CC: "..I wvould be inclined to agree.  ...but that does not make me more light of heart to vwisit him in person.  I...miss, our friendship, legitimately,"  Slightly less immediately after rereading two of the harsher conversations he'd had with Psii back to back. "--but it doesn't feel ..." CC: "..I wvould like to believwe I am safe," he said softly.  "... I miss that." ML: "Would it help if I spent time being with both of you at once, some supervised visits to ease you into being around him without bad things happening?" He offered. ML: He was going to have to ask Psii later what had happened. CC: The laughter was soft and bitter.  "..I don't knowv.  I don't knowv wvhat wvould help," he said as if that sentence was some revelation, shrugging philosophically.  "If I did, I'd be doing it." CC: ...He opened tumblr, and tabbed through his IM's with psii a bit, trying to remember when last they'd talked.  ...his fingers slowed, as he found it, his memory jogged. ML: "All I can do is attempt my best to ease this, my darling." He murmured to him. "Let us try visiting together, and then move on from there?" CC: "...wve'vwe talked in passing since then.  About.. vwaried topics.  I believwe he wvas wvorried about me.  Thought I wvas acting 'off' somehowv." CC: "..I'm not sure about vwisits.  ... Maybe." ML: "I know he sent me to you, when he thought there were something wrong with you and I was there." He offered. CC: ..his fins colored slightly, and he glanced aside. CC: "..Do you knowv, a solid six or sevwen people havwe asked if I'm alright?  And I still havwe a hard time seeing wvhat they do." ML: "..You're shutting down, actively acting in a way thats meant to minimize hurt to yourself and withdrawing. People do notice these things, more than you think they do." CC: Cronus's fins pinned back, and he gently squeezed Kankri before easing again. ML: Warm hands reached up and cupped both cheeks, he squirmed up to kiss cold lips. "It is not unreasonable for you to be reacting the way you are, but the fact that you are worries people- they care about you." CC: Fins lowered and relaxes, violet eyes looking unhappily, searchingly back into Kankri's own.  "..I lovwe you.  ..I don't knowv wvhat to do, to drag evwerything around again." CC: "..Cavweat less, I think wve said?" ML: "Its a start." He murmured back. "..I still suggest varying your text posts with italics bold and capitols on occasion." CC: "..Cavweat less, use text formatting." ML: "That should make you seem more emotive and straightforward." he nodded, stroking Cae's cheek. CC: Cronus headbumped into the contact like a large cat. CC: "..WVe'll see.  ..I lovwe you.  WVe can ..see, about the idea of vwisits.  If good opportunities rise.  ... I don't knowv howv easy my nervwes wvill be." ML: "The only way I know to fix something like this is to offer your pan counter examples.. which we shall have to create if we want them. Low key tea parties to pet cats seems easy enough, if you can manage it." CC: "..WVe'll see," he somewhat-agreed. ML: "We will." he gave him another kiss gently. "..I find I have run out of topic but still wish to cuddle." CC: ..I'd lovwe to," came the soft answer. ML: "Let us to that then?" he smiled. CC: Caesurae nuzzled into Kankri's hair as if there was no other place in the world he could imagine wanting to be, and nodded gently. ML: This was fine, they could cuddle now, he started rattling a purr at him quietly.