#he can do the rasengan

[inavagrant-a]

"Y'know, there was a more sparsely used ability among Anemo users I've come across in my time. Are you familiar with a technique called the Rasengan?"

Oh? Tetsuya holds his hand out and focuses all of his anemo energy in the heart of his palm. "Per chance, do you speak of this?" Yes he's showing off.

[wind-becomes-lightning]

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[cosmicrhetoric]

this is so stressful

[mayskalih]

I chose nations based on the techniques: Sakura can easily crush the ground, Naruto's rasengan is air, Sasuke masters fire and lightning, and Kakashi can do them all, so to keep the balance - he's a (very hot) waterbender.

[brighteuphony]

On the way back from Tea Country with Chakra-poisoned Kakashi tryna "casually" fish for some info before Sakura comes in with the one-hit KO on accident.

So she's got some complicated feelings for Kakashi as well, though they're a lot milder than what she feels about Sasuke.

There's a moment in my AU where Sakura goes through a deep reflection ritual, in which she has to face Inner Sakura -who is representative of all the ugly truths her day-to-day self hasn't been able to face- and come to terms with who she is.

During that time, she's got to face the music.

The music:

Sasuke is the last prodigal son of a clan that was brutally butchered. He's a genius with one of the most powerful dojutsu out there (that he has no idea how to use) and is coming in hot with more baggage than an airport terminal.

Naruto is not normal. She doesn't know what he is (as in-canon, she finds out after the time-skip and the Sakura from above is right on the cusp of Shippuden), but there's nothing normal about a kid who can pull wild orange chakra and who can fight Gaara's tailed beast and come out on top. He's got the personal attention of the Hokage, but the entire village has banded against him for some reason. He's special.

Kakashi is a war veteran turned Jounin and an infamous ANBU captain (I headcanon that some ANBU names are leaked specifically to generate a healthy level of fear/caution among other villages- which is why we know of Itachi/Kakashi/Shisui very publically) and is ALSO the last prodigal son of an old noble clan.

(No way a bookworm like Sakura didn't consume every publically available scroll on Konoha clans).

It doesn't take the big brains to figure out that he got team 7 specifically to help deal with Sasuke's trauma/teach him about the Sharingan, and put a leash on Naruto (and in the future, when she finds out that Madara was able to control the Kyuubi with the Sharingan as well as the knowledge that Kakashi was Minato's student it becomes even clearer why he got the Sasuke/Naruto combo.)

And Sakura? Sakura is a civilian. No clan, no dojutsu, nothing to her name except great chakra control. She's the literal meat in the meat-grinder of the military machine of Konoha, the acceptable sacrifice in a group of otherwise invaluable shinobi. She's just a...girl. (And it doesn't help that she was obsessed with Sasuke instead of training, furthering the gulf between her and Kakashi.)

Kakashi was absolutely not built to handle her- in fact, Kakashi has NO idea how to relate who hasn't gone through a mountain's worth of trauma or someone who hasn't been ingrained in the shinobi-as-a-tool lifestyle, and even then, he's not fully equipped to handle people who have (lmao Sasuke). Not to mention the man is a prodigy- he has no idea how to teach people who have to work hard to get somewhere in life. How do you teach someone if you've never had to 'work hard' to get there yourself?

So, Sakura understands that Kakashi was put in one of the most ridiculous situations of his career- a situation he had NO idea how to handle. She can forgive him for that. BUT, she can't forgive him for not trying his best.

Sakura spent a lot of time coming to terms with the fact that she rushed into the Chidori/Rasengan combo without a single idea of what she would do, but...Kakashi was a big reason for that.

She was HIS responsibility, and he fumbled that bag. Whatever his reasoning, whether it was to 'protect' her, or whether he thought she was worthless, whatever: he should have TRIED.

Kakashi was an adult with resources aplenty. He recognized that she had stellar chakra control but never bothered to teach her genjutsu or direct her to teachers who could pick up the slack.

And after the accident, he abandoned her again. Being forgotten in lieu of Sasuke and Naruto hurt...but she could heal. Being abandoned as some kind of martyr to Kakashi's failures as a teacher? It's gonna take a while for Kakashi to make that up to her...if he can muster the courage to face her.

Sakura finally understands why he preferred the memorial stone to the living. He already failed the dead, and it's easier to wallow in self-flagellation than it is to try and step up for the living.

Sakura stopped being a coward some time ago, and when Kakashi finally does the same, she'll forgive him.

Thank you so much for sticking with this wall of text! And thank you so much anon for the question! Once again, I really appreciate all the kind words people have been throwing my way. <3 <3 <3

[phantomchick]

Naruto and being the Underdog

Okay so recently I was discussing naruto's characterisation in the comments section of a fanfic and the author was explaining that they don't like/never vibed with Naruto's character (which is totally fair). But then they explained how they felt the supposed underdog setup was contrived and didn't really work because Naruto never actually starts at zero thanks to his jinchuriki powers and being the yondaime's son. (And so here I am, on my soapbox to discuss how Naruto and the concept of being and underdog relate.)

On a physical level perhaps this applies, but Naruto places an equal (if not larger) amount of focus on the emotional action as it does on its plot action.

On an emotional level he has to work for each and every one of his personal relationships.

He wants to be hokage a role he can only take if he is both respected by his village and powerful enough to protect it. It''s a twofold goal. And in terms of the social aspect this is clearly stacked against him due to the hatred and exploitation of jinchuriki as well as shinobi in general, achieving emotional connection and dialogue between people who are used to might makes right or who are pre-disposed to look down on him or want to kill him puts him firmly at a disadvantage narratively.

With the notable exception of Hinata whose love is unconditional, whether it's Tsunade, Neji, Sasuke or Gaara or even Kurama the respect and attention that naruto craves are things he actively pursues in both good and bad ways and he earns them through his own effort.

He does this both by striving to understand these very different people and where they're coming from as well as surviving all the shit the world throws at him. Emotional and physical tasks.

In terms of being a jinchuriki and getting the rasengan easily thanks to his shadow clone bullshit / birthright connections to the yondaime It must first be acknowledged that the jinchuriki power is more of a disadvantage than a boon to him at first. First, because of kurama actively going out of his way to mess with his chakra control as a kid while doing the leaf exercise he was unable to learn the regular clone jutsu; it also results in him experiencing the trauma of discrimination and isolation from a young age which could easily have led to festering self-hatred and alienation if not for Iruka's intervention, it results in multiple S ranks who are fully capable of killing even shippuden level Naruto targetting him, and while the trade-off of boundless energy and survive-ability is immense those same boundless resources have the potential to burn him alive if he loses emotional control/gives into his most negative emotions - that's basically making the subtext text at that point, the story is about his emotional development and growth, something his "OP buffs" don't earn for him. Let's talk about boundless chakra resources for a moment. At the end of the original series, he only knows the rasengan; the rasenshuriken, the shadow clone justu and sage mode/yinyang mode by the end of the series and that's like 5 justu tops if we're counting yin/yang/bijuu mode and sage mode as jutsu. The majority of what he learned from jiraiya for three years seemed to be taijutsu only with a side of failed bijuu control. Naruto has his jinchuriki chakra from the start but that doesn't translate to an ability to use it, he has to spend hours working out how to do the shadow clone, he did not figure out how to do the jutsu because of his chakra even if that was the reason he was able to use it at all, and when it comes to the rasengan I will cite [someone who deleted their reddit account] here:

Naruto completed the first stage in three days and one night. He figured out how his chakra needed to move to burst the water balloon (thanks to a cat) but because he didn't have the necessary chakra control, he improvised by using another hand. He completed the second stage in three weeks or so. The next day(?), Jiraiya gave him a hint to improve his focus which allowed him to finally complete it. And the third stage was completed seven days later to win his bet with Tsunade. Once again, Naruto didn't have the control to focus his chakra the correct way despite his continuous efforts. It wasn't until he came up with another improvised method by using a shadow clone to focus the chakra that he was able to complete the final stage.

Meaning he is the one who comes up with unorthodox methods, such as also using his other hand, or using a shadow clone to focus the chakra, to learn it in four and a half weeks but he still had to figure out how to do it all himself. The shadow clone would've been useless without his understanding of the jutsu or his ability to do the individual parts of the jutsu. He earns the jutsu and could conceivably have learned it the old fashioned way were he not under an artificial time limit as both Jiraiya and Kakashi, both without jinchuriki power, know it and can use it.

Now I'll talk about his supposed privilege as the yondaime's child: Sasuke gets chidori and later kirin thanks to HIS connections but that's never remarked on in the same way. And in fact most people in the naruto-verse learn a big jutsu from their clan or parent; see Might Gai, the genius of hard work, learning the eight gates thanks to his father. The rasenshuriken is something he's only capable of learning thanks to his chakra and shadow clones I hear you quote Kakashi, but it's again, something he couldn't do without actually putting the work in to learn the jutsu. Naruto is on a time crunch because of Akatsuki, the fact he is capable of learning the jutsu once he has advice on wind chakra from Asuma and has practiced forming the rasengan and doing windblades enough means he didn't need the extra chakra to do it, having the chakra didn't automatically make him capable of the rasenshuriken all it did was speed up his chakra control practice exponentially, it would have taken him more time practicing but he could have learned the jutsu eventually even if he wasn't a jinchuriki. Now summons. Being the Yondaime's child might get him an in with Jiraiya to let him have the toad contract, but Sakura and Sasuke also get summoning contracts thanks to personal connections with Tsunade and Orochimaru and Jiraiya only gets him the opportunity. It's Naruto who has to use his willpower to stay on Gamabunta's back and it's Naruto who has to form relationships with his summons like Gamakichi, (a bond that becomes instrumental toward the end of the 4th war). Additionally learning Sage mode wasn't just a result of Naruto getting the contract because neither Sasuke nor Sakura achieved it despite both having contracts (and despite Kabuto managing it where Sasuke didn't) Sasuke with the Hawks as well as the Snakes. And importantly Naruto was unable to use clones or his extra chakra to speed up his training in this. In fact the clones only come into it after he has successfully mastered sage mode and function as a limited extra resource that's can't go beyond three shadow clones meditating and this doesn't function as more sage powah but as a means of extending his sage modes duration, a workaround that's only needed because his being a jinchuriki gets in the way of him gathering sage mode in real-time with the toads on him. In conclusion while his chakra lets him practice jutsu to learn them faster, this is not the case in either his sage mode or the yin yang release and only applies to the shadow clone, rasengan and rasenshuriken - all of which he had to actually learn and understand the mechanics of otherwise the jutsu wouldn't have worked no matter how many shadow clones he had try it and that with the exception of shadow clone he demonstrably could've learned them without being a jinchuriki. And in the case of rasengan and rasenshuriken he is under artificial time-limits imposed by Orochimaru and the Akatsuki.

So that's shadow clone, rasengan, rasenshuriken and sage mode covered but what about bijuu mode. An overpowered special mode he only gets for being a jinchuriki, that B only bothers to teach him because he's a jinchuriki, surely that's LEGIT op bullshit. No? No. At least not in comparison to the Sakura's forehead seal from Tsunade, Sasuke's Mangekyou abilities like izanagi, giant purple warrior and amaterasu, Obito's mokuton, Madara's sage of six paths abilities or the rinnegan's everything, anyway. Not to mention what the edo tensei are capable of.

The only reason bijuu mode works is that he earns Kurama's regard on an emotional level, it's not something which being a kage's kid or having jinchuriki chakra levels actually does fuck all to contribute to. He was that all along but Kurama still hated him and tried to take over his body. It's Naruto himself who has to reach out and make that effort to understand this person who he's always seen as a burden or a curse or an annoying tenant who doesn't pay rent, a monster who tries to kill him and take his body. It's Naruto who has to put in the emotional labour and see Kurama as a person, no matter the harm he's done.

Naruto is the underdog in spite of being "the chosen one" and having the strongest bijuu and a kage father because emotional labour is never easy and in a world like his it seems insane to even try. It's why everyone except him was prepared to give up on Sasuke, Naruto recognises his anger at Itachi and desire to avenge his family as valid, Naruto when he finds out the truth about Itachi from Danzo tells Sasuke he gets it, why he wants to destroy the village, why he's so angry, when Sasuke changes his mind and decides to become hokage instead of destroying it so he can change it, Naruto understands WHY even if he still wants to be kage himself. The problem with Sasuke is that his anger is self-destructive and self-isolating, not that it exists, it's when Naruto fights him one last time and makes Sasuke realise that he's only hurting himself and his loved ones at this point, that "talk no jutsu" finally works and Sasuke is able to listen to Naruto and come home.

It's also why Naruto earns being hokage; in a world full of killers, someone who is capable of acknowledging the harm done and not ignoring or forgetting it (like how he tells pain he can't forgive him), but who is also capable of looking past that and understanding the motivations and feelings of the person he's dealing with and talking to them on that level as equals hits so hard. It just felt like a fantastic set up for a diplomatic hokage capable of dealing with other kages and achieving a peace in spite of the fact they're all to the last, untrustworthy ninja mercenaries who are generally very ends justify the means. In a world of kill or be killed Naruto is still willing to kill, but he's also willing to understand and to talk. And he wasn't born with that, he worked for it and failed often, especially with Sasuke, it was never easy, it often appeared hopeless but he kept trying.

And we rooted for him because of it.

[sueske]

sp completely missed the point of vote2. vote2 was a 'battle' between naruto and sasuke only, yet for some reason sp tried to bring outsiders into it. and they also took liberties and made other changes too.

in the manga sasuke screams as he punches naruto. it's a callback to vote1 - "can you kill me calmly sasuke?" because sasuke can't kill naruto calmly. it's also sasuke taking out his hatred on naruto (kage summit arc callback) as naruto lets sasuke take his anger out on him. but for some reason sp took the decision to silence sasuke during the anime version of this scene.

sp made a show of naruto dropping his leaf headband and seeing his eyes reflected in metal alongside sasuke's chidori, when in the manga we don't even see when naruto loses the headband. the anime even made a show of naruto putting the headband back in his pocket (wow... all the symbolism here). but in the manga naruto keeps constant eye contact with sasuke with the narrator saying 'there's no escaping those eyes'. 

again, vote2 is naruto and sasuke, not naruto and sasuke and everyone else. all those additions to naruto and sasuke's rasengan and chidroi were for what exactly? kishimoto even put kurama asleep inside naruto because their emotional heart to heart in 698 was just between THEM. 

in the anime naruto lamented the fact that he broke the promise to tsunade, saying how he wouldn't die before he became hokage. but again this did not happen in the manga. it was reiterated by naruto throughout the series that sasuke was more of a priority than becoming hokage, to the point that during the kage summit arc naruto looked relieved and happy at the prospect of dying together with sasuke.

in the manga sasuke never referred to naruto as a brother in any capacity, yet for some reason sp thought it prudent for sasuke to say this, even though from vote1 sasuke knew it was nothing like that from the start?

maybe it's sp that doesn't get it... or maybe they do and that's the problem.

so I think this scene can be interpreted in a few ways actually... but from the way I see it (and I'll give sp the benefit of the doubt here), it shows how after everything there is still a sasuke-shaped space next to naruto - the camera zooms in on them together, it's this that affects sasuke. but this scene still rubs me the wrong way because of the way it's set up and the implication of sasuke being affected by joining in with all the other konoha pals. it's been made clear many many times that, after everything, it's only naruto that matters to sasuke to the point that he needs to kill him to be truly alone. no one else factors in here. sasuke also doesn't care what everyone else thinks. and even for naruto, the fact of the matter is, even with all those konoha pals standing behind him, it's only sasuke that would make naruto turn his back on everything. putting sasuke on the same level as everyone else doesn't sit right. they even put tobirama in there...

sp completely dropped the ball on this. vote2 was the promised fight from the kage summit arc - "if we die you won't be an uchiha and I won't be a jinchuuriki - we'll meet again in the afterlife". vote2 was literally them on the brink of death trying to understand each other, too beat up to even move their bodies... all they could do was talk. kurama was asleep, there were no leaf headbands in sight, sasuke had his sharingan off, etc, cuz even if at that moment they were still uchiha and jinchuuriki, kishimoto stripped them as bare as much as he could as they finally faced their feelings and reconciled... a happier version of the outcome predicted by naruto at the kage summit arc, but close to it, dangling on the edge. nothing else mattered except naruto and sasuke.

and then afterwards sp really showed sasuke in prison, restrained in every possible way even though this never happened in the manga. the cherry on top.

[the-real-sasuke-uchiha]

Sasuke, what do you think of Kakashi?

1-He was clearly biased against me when Naruto and I fought at the hospital rooftop, he only lectured me for pulling the chidori against Naruto, while he never reprimanded Naruto for using the rasengan against me. Which, I remind you, he pulled first and I only used the chidori as a legitimate self defence. He only asked me if I wanted to kill Naruto because, apparently, I have no right to defend my life.

2-Then he goes and ties me to a tree. See, this is very recurrent for these people, I apparently never have a right to decide where I want to go or who I want to be with. So he ties me to force me to hear his petty speech about revenge and friendship, because revenge (JUSTICE, YOU IDIOT) is apparently so wrong (but only when I seek it, ahem, because if it is Shikamaru then everyone is supporting him).

3-He dismisses my feelings, I apparently have to let go because he let go? He compares himself to me, as if losing comrades heroically because they wanted to protect their village is the same as losing your family because they were brutally murdered. As if losing your father to suicide is the same as losing your entire family, people, culture, because, allegedly, your brother, your most loved person, killed them all on a whim. I am apparently not the most unfortunate person because I have "friends"? This is not drama Olympics, Kakashi, but if it was, you and I would be in totally different leagues and you know it, quit the bullshit.

4-He learns the truth about the massacre, he knows the village committed genocide, and first thing he does is tell Naruto to shut up about it. He knows the village committed a genocide and still makes up his mind to kill me so I am not a liability for the government. He treats me like a terrorist and a mad person when he knows my rage is totally legit. Never even once he tries to hold the village responsible for what they did, never even once he faces the elders or demands any explanation. He never even acknowledges it was wrong.

5-He has the guts to blame me for defending my life when Sakura tries to kill me and pretends she is the victim. He pretends she was trying to kill me to "save me" instead of getting rid of a problem for their government. I repeat, he knew the truth here.

6-He never respects me and he treats me as if I am responsible for what Sakura feels for me. He never respects my right to decide about my own life and my own body. He validates her emotional blackmail and adds to it, pretending I have to do whatever makes my friends happy regardless of what I want or feel. He pretends I am a monster for responding roughly to continuous blackmail and harassment, which I am suffering since I can remember. Apparently I am not my own person, I have to be Sakura's love toy or else I am evil.

So, in summary, I despise him and I want nothing to do with him.

[leportraitducadavre]

Let's get something out of the way, the "Sasuke as a medic" AU has nothing to do with Tsunade being more "suited" to mentor him; there's nothing she can teach him that he'd find useful in his quest (why would he, who has an enormous amount of chakra at his disposal, need to learn to delicately control his energy as Sakura canonically needs to as her chakra pool is small?), nor helpful. Tsunade would never even consider taking him out of the front lines to use him as a medic either, as doing so would be a waste of his immense power and capabilities in the field.

No. This AU isn't about Sasuke, it's about Sakura and how her stans want to disguise their ultimate desire for her to have more jutsus at her disposal than what Tsunade taught her.

Hate to break it to you, but being the student of a powerful ninja doesn't mean copy-pasting the abilities of the mentor down to the disciple. What they learn has all to do with their personal capabilities, desires, and natural strength. Naruto, while he used mostly his teacher's jutsu, quickly outgrew his teachings by taking the Rasengan further than his father and Jiraiya, Sasuke surpassed both Orochimaru and Kakashi, as Kabuto did with the Sannin by the end of the series.

Orochimaru knowing kenjutsu doesn't translate to Sakura being able to be even remotely good at it. Her "agility" (which isn't even canon as there's no mention of medics being agile, rather them staying away from danger) has to do with her being a medic-nin, and I'll reiterate, Orochimaru isn't a medic in a similar manner Tsunade is, that one is Kabuto. Why would Orochimaru take Sakura with him when Kabuto, a 19-year-old, devised a technique like Tsunade's without even meeting her before fighting her?

Sakura copy-pasted the techniques taught to her, she improved them in no manner:

Do you see where I'm going with this? Kabuto even has a larger pool of chakra as he was able to learn Senjutsu mode which Sakura will never be able to do (Tsunade and Sakura having a small chakra pool is the whole reason why the Yin Seal -that actually uses Yang, as that's the only chakra nature Tsunade possesses even exists).

Kabuto knew medical ninjutsu outside of Orochimaru's teachings as those were the reasons Orochimaru sought him out, the Sannin even admitted to looking for extraordinarily talented people to take "under his wing", and at no moment he even looked in Sakura's direction (I implore you to read yourself the whole Orochimaru vs. Team 7 fight, from Chapter 46 to Chapter 49, and tell me how many times Orochimaru even glances at Sakura's direction. He knows both Naruto and Sasuke's names, yet never mentions Sakura's).

I don't even understand why "being an expert at Genjutsu" has her fandom in such a chokehold, normal genjutsu became almost obsolete when the Sharingan (Yin Release at its finest) was introduced and the more the story unfolded the fewer regular genjutsu experts, of the likes of Kurenai or Shee, were introduced, as the strongest characters either used kekkei genkai genjutsu (which can't be broken by a single person as the chakra needs to be disturbed by someone else) or ninjutsu/taijutsu skills. Regular genjutsu can be broken by the target if they realize a genjutsu has been casted, it's mostly used as a quick diversion for an attack or to escape, and most ninja have that tool at their disposal.

[And if you think Sakura would be able to pull off a Genjutsu like Shee does and attack with the speed at which A attacked Jügo you're out of your mind, she used not a single remarkable genjutsu in the whole manga, having Sasuke do that for her during FoD and dispersed a single basic one. She fell for Kakashi's genjutsu on the bell test, had to wait for Sasuke's reassurance that an illusion was in place in the chünin exams, fell for Orochimaru's own genjutsu in FoD, and was fooled by a henge twice in the same chapter and once by non-other than Naruto who pretended to be Sasuke. She had four encounters with the genjutsu technique, and three out of the four times she fell for it and still, some of you still hold Kakashi's words as "proof of her wasted potential" when he's the same man who couldn't care less if she dropped out of the exam.]

And as a quick addition, why is Mokuton!Sakura so insanely popular? Her having Earth and Water releases (Ino also has those nature releases, what's your point?) means nothing as she'll need a huge amount of chakra (which she doesn't possess) and few ninjas are even capable of mixing the two.

While any ninja can learn to transform their chakra’s nature, and even transform it into different natures consecutively (which Sakura was never even shown to do as she only used her medical skills to fight), it is impossible for them to transform two at the same time.

And he could perform such a special jutsu because he was of a kekkei genkai bearing clan

Only those with the genetic abilities of these kekkei genkai have a chakra system capable of double-nature transformation.

Canonically, no one but Hashirama could naturally have such nature release (for god's sake, Naruto and Sasuke both have water and earth nature and they can't even use Mokuton!). Let me remind you the reason why Hashirama having Mokuton is so important thematically:

Mokuton is the expression of Yang (Life) at its finest; Yang Release uses chakra that is two parts physical energy and one part spiritual energy. It governs vitality and manipulates the body, breathing life into form to animate that which lacks life of its own, which is in direct opposition to the Sharingan that expresses Yin (creating form from nothing); Yin Release uses chakra that is two parts spiritual energy and one part physical energy. It governs imagination and manipulates the spirit, creating form from nothingness to give shape to that which has none (which is why the Sharingan is the ultimate expression of Genjutsu).

[Used Sasuke's chart to exemplify, as Madara has both Yin and Yang Releases as he modified his body using Hashirama's cells].

Yamato was experimented on by Orochimaru by using Hashirama's cells, so the only way Sakura could have such power is if she is experimented on by Orochimaru, and why on earth would he do that? Furthermore, Hashirama's cells would eat her alive in seconds, she couldn't handle a scratch amount of Kyuubi's chakra, how would she handle Hashirama's? This is the same man whose chakra was so vast and potent he healed himself unconsciously!

Sakura having delicate chakra control isn't a wild card you can use as you see fit to fulfill your fantasies, it means nothing outside her medical work. This notion that "Sakura has precise control of her chakra! That means she can learn any jutsu she wants!" is completely false.

First of all, Kakashi outright claims this idea of "no Jutsu should ever be beyond you," is "in theory, anyway." At no point does he say you'll be capable of learning chakra-draining ninjutsu with this skill alone as not a page after he claims this:

If you think this looks hard, it's even more difficult to maintain your chakra when using ninjutsu

Delicate chakra control in a portion of one's body (like fists when using Sakura's Cherry Blossom Impact) used to enhance one's strength (chakra enhancement is a feat used by every shinobi ever, like Lee and Gai themselves, albeit with different levels of expertise) isn't as chakra depleting as using Ninjutsu, which is why Sakura and Tsunade use it as their main fighting technique since they don't have a vast chakra pool as Hashirama had.

[mixelation]

okay i think the mood for (a)synchronicity is

minato needs constant enrichment or else he gets bored and upset. professionally he fulfills this mostly with little jutsu development projects. this man is like "guess i'll just figure out this nigh-impossible teleportation technique. oh no what if my childhood friend gets bullied? i'll just invent the rasengan" and because he is in a village at war they're like "hey what if your job was more murder?" and like. a bunch of unchallenging murders is fine enrichment, he guesses. but it's also sort of like chomping down on iceberg lettuce when you're hungry

however, minato is also a certified Wife Guy In Training. his enrichment needs can be like 90% met with eating pussy a girlfriend. i think i'll also toss in the detail that they keep sending him places alone so he doesn't even have a mission partner to talk to

meanwhile tori just abruptly went from live-in dungeon gremlin to unhoused wandering scam artist abruptly and completely against her will. oto and akatsuki gave her insane trust issues, but she also had a mildly stable life with unhinged maniacs, but they were predictable unhinged maniacs. now she's cold and wet and tired all of the time, and worried about her physical safety even more than before, and he has no friends or allies, and so OBVIOUSLY a pretty man showing concern about her wellbeing one (1) time drove her insane. obviously. except then the next time they meet, he clearly doesn't remember her, and also he just talks like that to everyone and doesn't actually care. tori is frustratingly attracted to him but also he is (unintentionally) playing with her heart and her conclusion is that she should brutally murder him

AFTER she attempts to kill him, the dynamic switches. an unenriched minato has just found the most interesting woman in the world. he's obsessed. and he FUCKED UP because tori doesn't trust him. like she trusts him in that he can convince her he's not going to kill her or injure her, but also he has to convince her he is emotionally safe and he does care about her, which is what she has secretly desperately desired this entire time. so minato killing hundreds just for her and then tenderly wiping blood from her face is meant to be the emotional pivot of this murder romcom. he does care! aaaw!!

after they hook up, i think minato immediately transitions into "i am committed for life, we will get married" and tori is like, "....what?"

like for her she's imagining this as just a fun thing she does to make her feel better until she figures out how to get OFF the continent*? or reverse time travel? which ever comes first

BUT. also. consider. minato trying his best to date her feels really good. what the FUCK is she supposed to do with this. also she's like, "you canNOT get seriously injured, if you do that i will have to kill SO many people" and minato just. smitten. help him

*i decided her roadblock here is a combo of financial and not having her own connections. which is why she keeps entering into weird scams and lies

[maoam]

Something about this scene;

I know some people have naturally used this scene to argue Naruto is straight because of his reaction. But I think the scene is more nuanced than that. As we can see Sakura reacts with nosebleed to this jutsu, which symbolises arousal.

But Naruto doesn’t have a nosebleed towards the girl-girl jutsu, he’s just excited over Konohamaru’s new ability, as he explains this is a friendly competition between them. So he’s not excited in that way. Why not just make him react like Sakura? Because their reactions aren’t the same.

We do know Naruto finds Sasuke attractive even if he is hesitant to admit that (like he knows it might be inappropriate) and does the reverse harem jutsu later which he practiced more than rasengan. But somehow the Sai/Sasuke jutsu is too much in his opinion. In my opinion the obvious explanation is just that he doesn’t want to see Sasuke like that with someone else. I mean:

It’s not like he doesn’t dislike Suigetsu (and Taka) for no reason other than that they used to hang around Sasuke... and it’s not like he doesn’t react dramatically concerning Sasuke any other time...

I remember seeing even Japanese men who said Naruto sounded like a jealous boyfriend in that 4-tails moment. 😭

[team7-headquarter]

The fact that it is a trope in Naruto that Kakashi saves Sakura before Sasuke can or when Sasuke is in a position to do so himself is so unhinged.

What was Kishimoto trying to do there?

The first time it happens (just outside of Konoha while traveling to the Land of the Waves), Sasuke very clearly thinks Kakashi is showing off. It's one of those funny moments where you can see how both Sasuke and Kakashi like being dramatic.

From that point, the story somehow establishes that it's Kakashi's job to protect Sakura as Sasuke and Naruto fight. At least Sasuke thinks that's the case...

It happens during the fight with Haku. I know that Sakura screams and Sasuke immediately wonders what Kakashi is doing when Sakura is in danger. I don't think he'd wonder the same if it was Naruto out there, since he'd probably criticize Naruto and not Kakashi for Naruto's own safety.

When Kakashi saves Sakura from both the chidori and the rasengan, they don't mention it at all, like it was natural for Kakashi to be there and for him to save / protect Sakura. At the time, Naruto was panicking because he couldn't stop, in the sense that he knew he didn't have the skill to do so, but Sasuke was more shocked that it was Sakura he'd hit. Once Sakura was safe and the thing was over, Sasuke went immediately back to thinking about how he was weak compared to Naruto.

He wasn't worried about Sakura not because he didn't care, but because that moment reassured him about Kakashi being there to protect her.

(It's worth mentioning Sasuke was upset over Naruto being the one who rescued her from Gaara because Sasuke was too used to having the role of second protector of the team, since it signaled he was the second strongest around).

Then, in Shippuden? Sasuke doesn't see Sakura as a real threat. He did mean to kill her during the Land of Iron, but the narrative again placed both Kakashi and Naruto there to protect her life. As soon as Kakashi and Naruto appeared, Sasuke forgot about her.

That encounter was the farthest Team 7 had been from the old days and the roles they had at those moments. Teamwork was absolutely gone.

During the Fourth Shinobi War, things went back a bit to what they were. Sasuke and Naruto tried to protect Sakura by telling her to stand behind or step back, except Sakura refused to be protected. They worked seamlessly for a few minutes, until it all went to hell and Kaguya appeared.

Kakashi spent almost the entire battle protecting Sakura. Understandable, since the first thing she did was run to get impaled like she didn't care at all about her own life. (Kakashi was scared shitless that something would happen to her).

TWO TIMES during the Kaguya fight Sakura was in danger and Naruto pointed out (commanded, really) that Sasuke could help her and Sasuke did move to do so, he did face her to act, before his mind could process what he was doing. In both cases, Kakashi was faster and had her safe and sound before Sasuke could even reconsider.

First in the lava world, where Kakashi had Sakura and Obito already secured, so Sasuke moved to protect Naruto. Second when Obito gave both his eyes to Kakashi and he decided to go all Susanno to pull Sakura out of danger, to Sasuke's surprise.

Time to mention that the narrative of the manga makes explicit the petty rivalry between Kakashi and Sasuke. Sasuke does hate him for having the sharingan, you know, and Kakashi would not stop when recriminating how Sasuke decided to use the things he taught him, like the chidori, to hurt his comrades.

Anyway, Naruto decides to use that moment to tell Sasuke that Kakashi's susanno was cooler and talk about how the Copy Nin was amazing and all of that. If I had to guess, Naruto was more than a bit irritated because Sasuke was rude to Kakashi and Sakura and called them useless. It is a good guess if I'm allowed to say so, since Naruto also made a point of telling Sasuke to thanks Sakura for helping Obito bring him back from another dimension.— After all, Naruto did also complain about Sasuke being the leader, since he thought Sakura and Kakashi were better at making plans.

It kinda reached its limits when Sasuke put her under a genjutsu (of getting hit with a chidori to the chest, of all things) and Kakashi lost his cool. He was so visibly frustrated with Sasuke and the feeling was mutual.

It was call back to sooo many moments between Sakura and Sasuke:

When Sakura cried and calmmed the cursed mark back at the Forest of Death, when Sakura tried to prevent Sasuke from competing with the cursed mark during the Chuning Exams preliminaries and Sasuke told her to shut up, or when she tried to stop him from leaving Konoha to find Orochimaru and Sasuke knocked her out. It was an echo of the way Sasuke did almost hit her with a chidori back when they were kids without meaning to and then years later when he did mean to kill her; it was the memory all the times she worried about him and rushed to put herself in danger for his wellbeing when he didn't want her to.

When Sasuke left to fight Naruto, Kakashi was the one who stayed with her. When Sasuke left on his journey for atonement, Kakashi was there to tell him to behave, but also he was there next to the girl he had been protecting for years now. I don't know what all of that was supposed to mean...

I guess that Sakura played a part in Sasuke and Naruto's rivalry as much as she played a part in Kakashi and Sasuke's animosity.

[narutosway]

People say that Kakashi has compared or shown a favorite of Sasuke over Naruto

I don't recall him ever comparing him in a negative way the only time when I did hear him to "compare" him to Sasuke is because Naruto is stubborn when it comes to following orders so what better way than to taunt him by saying that Sasuke would be more suitable for any task than he would

People forget that Kakashi loved all three of his students yes all three he may have shown a bit more favoritism to Sasuke but only due to wanting to help him get stronger do people not remember that later on Kakashi helped Naruto as well with his second development of the Rasengan how can you forget it was right and during unfortunately Asuma's death

And yes Kakashi also helped Sakura even though she was more skilled development with quick grasping into the topics at hand mostly during the walking tree segment

So really I'm tired of people claiming that Kakashi had a "favorite" student he loved-loves all three of his students he just had help around the village since he knew he wasn't right for the job with certain fighting styles and obviously medical ways that he has no idea about even born natural geniuses can't do it all

[bellesans-merci]

not my inspiration flying over to a Deadpool/Sakura crossover 😭

Deadpool ending up in the Naruto verse, obviously knowing where he is because he’s canonically a fan.

Except, he somehow lands in Sakura’s apartment and she is ✨unamused✨. He starts fanboying, because of course he is President of Sakura Haruno Deserved Better™️, and he’s her biggest fan.

He gets excited because he’s in a village full of assassins, fanboys over Naruto and Kakashi. Ironically, he hates Sasuke - thinks he’s a douchebag, but he acknowledges that he’s very hot and he can forgive him only if he’d allow him the courtesy of a reach around.

Surprisingly, in this AU, Sakura isn’t married to Sasuke…who turns out to be married to Naruto. Deadpool squeals, “🤩 omg it’s a fanfiction universe. Oh, the possibilities are endless!”

Sakura doesn’t know what to do with him, he follows her everywhere like a lovesick puppy. Kakashi wants to lock him up somewhere, but Deadpool’s like, “Well, you could, but I’d be a very, very, very, very, very, very long term commitment and we all know you have issues with that.”

Sai cuts off his head.

Deadpool’s head on the ground: “I see why no one likes you.”

Sakura’s intrigued, agrees to keep an eye on him just so she can study him. They get closer because she’s lonely with a bleeding heart, isn’t too disgusted by his face, and they have some bonding moments even though he’s so fucking annoying.

Kakashi needs Sakura for a mission, Deadpool begs to go just once since it’s his dream, and Kakashi inexplicably agrees.

Deadpool nearly moans: “You’re letting me go? Oh, this such a fucking plot hole - I love it.”

Kakashi: “what does that even mean?”

Sakura: “I don’t know, I stopped processing what he says a few days ago,”

The night before the mission, Deadpool locks himself up in the guest room and the next morning he comes out dressed as Naruto. Complete with wig and orange jacket he probably stole from him.

Sakura, absolutely dumbfounded: “wuh-what are you doing?”

Deadpool, striking a thumbs up: “If I’m gonna be Hokage, I have to look the part.”

Sakura, exasperated: “Hokage? Seriously?”

Deadpool, nods: “Yeah, I’ve even got my campaign slogan: SASUKEEEEHH!”

Sakura: “Oh god, please no, we already have one of those.”

Narutopool: “I can’t wait to use Talk no Jutsu.”

Sakura, sighing: “You already do. Let’s just go.”

They go on this mission, Deadpool calls his attacks Rasengan and Raikiri and all these other things that don’t even make sense — Sakura wants to kill him herself but admits this lunatic is wildly entertaining.

Deadpool, on the other hand, is having an absolute blast. They complete the mission, they end up drinking to celebrate, he dresses her up in his suit. She thinks it’s restrictive, he thinks it’s hot.

Sakura: “Do you ever shut up?”

Deadpool, shaking his head: “No, not that I can recall. They do call me the Merc with the mouth.”

Sakura: “You’re actually so annoying.”

Deadpool, gleefully aghast: “That’s so ironic, coming from you. Say it again.”

They’re in another battle, both assassins just decimating everyone, and Sakura has an internal crisis over why she thinks this masked lunatic is so fucking hot when he cuts someone in half.

Sakura, despairing: “Whyyyy is he so hot when he’s killing people??? Is it because he’s focused and not talking for once?”

Deadpool, with his blade in a howling shinobi’s asshole: “Shh, shh, it goes in easier when you relaxxx.”

Sakura screams in frustration. He’s making a mess of things, as usual, and she just can’t take his jabbering any longer. She punches him through the chest, immediately feels better, and he regenerates.

Deadpool: “God that was so fucking hot, you were literally inside me.”

They end up at another bar. He’s growing on her, unfortunately, even with the bloody Naruto wig he stapled onto his head.

He’s asking her how to use chakra, he obviously doesn’t have any. She asks him when he’s going home, he shrugs and tells her he fucked everything up and he kind of likes it there. Sakura panics a bit, knowing that if he stays, he’ll cause an international disaster.

Sakura: “You need to go home. You don’t belong here.”

Deadpool, for the first time since she’s known him, is silent and she gets the feeling he’s a little hurt: “I don’t belong anywhere.”

Of course, Sakura feels bad now: “I didn’t mean it like that, you probably have a whole life waiting for you even if you think you messed up. Everyone’s redeemable.”

Deadpool, nods sagely: “Yeah! Like Sasuke.”

Sakura: “…You fucked up like that?”

Deadpool goes on to tell her that he may have accidentally stolen a hero from another timeline to save his world, but he didn’t account for how his love interest would get the hots for him.

Deadpool: “It’s probably because he has a working dick.”

Sakura, shocked: “Your dick doesn’t work?”

Deadpool, gestures to his face: “My face isn’t the only thing that looks battered and air fried.”

Sakura, wide eyed, glances down at his crotch then at his masked face: “….can I see?”

Deadpool: 😳

Sakura: 😳

Deadpool, grabs her by the hand and drags her to the room: “Fuck yeah, you can see!”

He drops his pants as soon as they’re alone and Sakura gasps. She doesn’t even feel titillated considering she’s staring at a mottled sausage, substantial as it is.

Deadpool, hands on his hips, squinting down at it: “Yeah, I guess it does kinda look like a sausage.”

Sakura, mortified: “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

Deadpool: “You’re good, it’s nothing I haven’t thought of myself.”

Sakura, continues to stare: ….

Deadpool: “I’ve never had a chick stare at my dick for so long.”

Sakura: “I could probably get it to work. Actually, I think I might be able to fix you at the molecular level. Probably not permanently though, given your regenerative abilities are due to this…mutated cancer.”

Deadpool, overcome by emotion, drops to his knees in front of her, dick still swangin: “What? You can?”

Sakura, ignoring the genitals near her pinky, nods: “Yes, probably. I’m not sure until I get in there, though.”

Deadpool slaps his hands against his cheeks, absolutely excited: “Holy fuck, I forgot you’re Medical Jesus in this world!”

Sakura: “Please, what does that even mean?????”

Sakura, obviously fixes him up, taps into her inner mad scientist and works with his cells and experiments. She only fixes him temporarily, every time he gets hurt the cells come back, but it’s light work for her. When she fixes his face, she’s genuinely taken aback by how handsome he is, if saddened by how much he has struggled.

Deadpool, now going by Wade without the suit, is definitely obsessed with her. Calls her his Messiah and plastic surgeon.

Out of Scientific Curiosity™️, she asks if the mouth on the merc is only good for talking shit, and Deadpool’s not the cherry stem champion for no reason. When they fuck she tells herself it’s because she wants to know if her work is that good, not because he’s so damn hot in that suit and she’s 🎀 just a girl 🎀.

They fuck a lot.

When they get back to the village, it’s in chaos. There’s a yellow clad man running around with steel claws wreaking havoc and Sasuke’s about to Tsukuyomi his ass to white padded walls. Deadpool runs in between them.

Deadpool, arms out in appeasement: “Woah, woah! Down, boys! This is my pet!”

Naruto, Rasengan in hand: “Your pet?!”

Deadpool, slapping a hand on a growling Wolverine’s bloody head: “Oh my—is that the Rasengan?! Wait! Hold on! This is Wolvie! Isn’t he cute?!”

Random shinobi, clutching his bloody stump of an arm and holding his cut off hand: “He cut off my arm!”

Sakura, rushing forward to reattach it: “Oh shit, give me that!”

Deadpool winces and sucks in air through his teeth: “Sorry, haven’t had the time to house break him yet!”

Wolverine, twisting out of his grip: “You fucking piece of shit, where have you been? I’ve been going to all these fucking crazy dimensions looking for your dumb ass!”

Deadpool tells him how he’d ended up in the Naruto verse, how he’s had a great time, and met a very pretty lady who’s been his handler. He tells Wolverine how it’s a world ran by assassins with mutant powers, and it’s fucking great and there’s unlimited Japanese takeout everywhere.

Deadpool, smiling and proud: “And they love me here!”

The villagers and shinobi blanch, having been around for the mayhem and chaos and meddling, and someone calls out: “Take him home!”

Kakashi finally steps forward and addresses the two: “While we appreciate your services to the village, Mr. Wilson, I think it’s time you return to your dimension with your friend.”

Deadpool deflates, thinking of how he was happy there and even though no one else accepted him, Sakura did…after putting a fist through his chest and experimenting on him, of course. And the sex was hot, hot as fuck.

He takes off his mask, showing his healed face and head full of hair.

Anko whistles low, pressing a hand to her chest: “Oh yeah, I’m definitely having a wet dream tonight.”

Deadpool turns to her, touched: “Thank you, crazy snake lady, that means so much to me.”

Wolverine grabs him by the shoulder, exasperated: “Let’s fucking go, idiot. The Time Slider’s battery is almost dead.”

Deadpool turns to him, disappointed: “You forgot to charge it?!”

Wolverine: “I didn’t know it was rechargeable!”

Sakura steps forward, sad smile on her lips. He was an absolute menace and lunatic, probably shared a brain cell with Naruto on a good day, and defied all logic; but he was fun, the most fun she’s ever had, and she’ll miss him.

“Well, I guess this is it, Wade,” she says, looking up into his quite vulnerable face. He reminds her of Kakashi, with the way he uses the mask to hide from the world. “It’s been fun and I really enjoyed your company.”

Wolverine turns to Wade, incredulous and suspicious: “Did you drug her?”

Wade’s offended: “Must you always think the worst of me?”

Wolverine, Kakashi, Naruto, Sasuke: “Yes.”

Wade and Sakura share a moment where he thanks her for reminding him what it was like to be happy. Sakura sadly explains that once he leaves, her work will come undone every time he’s injured and he’ll go back to what he once was.

He’s disappointed, of course, wanting so badly to look normal but who’s he but a tragic anti-hero in a world of violence and puns. If only a benevolent god would pity him and send him back sometimes, just to have one good thing every once in a while now that Vanessa and Wolvie are bumping uglies.

“I’ll miss you, Sakura,” he says, a little choked up and sounding like a pussy. “You were the best foster home I could have ever hoped for, and I am truly sorry for humping your leg.”

Sakura laughs and gives him a hug and a chaste kiss, surprising everyone. Most especially Wolverine, who thinks Sakura’s probably been knocked in the head a few too many times. “I’ll miss you too, Wade. Remember that you’re worth it.”

Deadpool, pulling his mask back on: “Fuck yeah, I love L’Oreal.”

Sakura, tightening her arms around him and cracking a rib: “I don’t know what that means.”

After their heartfelt goodbye, Wolverine sets the Time Slider and drags Deadpool along with him, who’s throwing kisses and waving to the crowd of villagers, to the other side.

The portal disappears and Sakura deflates, already missing his mouth and surprisingly, the endless vocalization of intrusive thoughts. Ino saddles up next to her, “So, did ya fuck him?”

Sakura simply looks at her. Ino nods pleasantly, “Yeah, I would have too. That costume and mask combo was somehow so fucking hot, and his thighs!”

Sakura giggles conspiratorially, “I know!”

And if a benevolent god takes mercy on Wade and breaks the Time Slider so that it’s permanently set to the Naruto Verse, making it so he can return to Sakura for healings and good dicking downs, well…it’s an alternate universe with plot holes, who are they to complain?

[brighteuphony]

I LOVE your Sakura AU, thank you so much for making it 🥹

Even though her ending is supposed to be “good”, I always thought that canon didn’t do her justice and threw any character development she had out of the window so she can be with Sasuke

I SO wanted her to finally move on and just let go

And I don’t have anything against Sasusaku

But I think it’d be much more beautiful if Sakura long let go of her feelings by the time Sasuke came to his senses and they developed their relationship TOGETHER from the START

And, once again, your work is AMAZING and I can’t wait for next pieces ❤️

Btw, can I ask a question?) Will we see Naruto’s and Sasuke’s reaction to her condition (maybe flashback to before she left the village?), if not, can you please tell me a bit about it? I can’t imagine them to ignore her after the incident, especially considering that they are at fault as usual

Thank you so much for the kind words! I've also never been a fan of how Sakura ended up. I have no beef with SasuSaku, but my biggest issue was that we never saw Sasuke try to make up/connect with Sakura in the same way we saw him do with Naruto, so their romance in Boruto just felt so...abrupt?

As for what happens to Sakura and her friends....

Sasuke was essentially put on probation/jailed, but broke out and defected to Otogakure as canon. This devastates Sakura, as she's both in deep denial about his contribution to her injuries and also the fact that she basically threw herself in there for nothing. Kakashi shuts down completely. It's a nightmare replay of his own past, including the female team-mate being horrifically injured by the chidori. The guilt of everything is eating him alive so he basically withdraws into himself and uses her demotion to civilian status as a way to trick himself into thinking that if he just 'rips off the bandaid' and cut ties, she'll be able to move on more easily.

Naruto is the only person who is really able/willing to face justice. After the incident, he was basically also put on probation/awaiting trial but busted himself out to join Jiraya.

So for context, Sakura got clapped hard by the Rasengan/Chidori combo (hearing gone, nerve damage, eyes shot etc) and basically had to be put in a coma to try and stop the damage from getting worse, but unfortunately none of the medics in Konoha had the ability to reverse anything but the most superficial damage. So Naruto joined Jiraya in an attempt to find and bring the only person in the world who could give Sakura a sliver of hope.

I felt like this worked well with canon and the desperation to get Tsunade to be hokage and Naruto basically begged her on his hands and knees to help Sakura. Tsunade made it there in the nick of time managed to save everything but her eyes.

But Sakura's life has fallen apart, her career is over, her parents dead from Konoha Crush and her eyes gone...and Naruto is the most convenient and available person to take out all her rage on, so...while he deserves a lot of that rage..she is essentially punching down on who she perceives to be the cause of all her problems.

Lee is in the same boat as her, but while he tries very hard to be there for her, Sakura can't stand to be with him right now, as it just makes the reality of life hit that much worse- especially when she finds out there's a surgery that might give him a better chance than she'll ever have.

And Ino visits often at first, but then it's awkward...and painful as the weeks go by. They have lunch and gossip but at some point, there's not much a shinobi and civilian have in common, especially after the shortage of manpower post Konoha-crush has Ino entrenched in the shinobi life more than ever before.

I hope this answered some stuff! Thank you so much for the questions and the interest! I love Sakura and I just wanna give her the development and power she deserves!!

[sailorsenshishitposter]

WHO, IS THE FATHER

⚠️ Spoilers for chapter 236

"Happy birthday, Yuji!"

Nobara and Megumi had knocked on his door, causing the boy to get up and answer it.

"It's my birthday? Huh? I guess getting hit by Mahito all those times must have given me some brain damage."

"Just what are you wearing exactly?"

Itadori was dressed head to toe in a earthworm onesie.

"Nevermind, we have gifts for you!"

Nobara pushed Yuji aside and then got a box out of her bag.

"Here, open it!"

Yuji unwrapped the gift only to be greeted by a game case.

"Punch out for the Wii. Kugisaki, I think you bought this for yourself since you're the only one here with that console..."

Megumi snorted.

"I told you he would notice."

Nobara then grabbed the game back.

"Fine, if you don't want it, then I'm keeping it!"

"Wasn't this supposed to be my birthday?"

Megumi then handed Yuji some tickets.

"Thanks Fushiguro! What kind of event are these for?"

"We're taking you to see Jennifer Laurence."

Yuji then jumped and gave a fist bump to the air.

"Wait, how did you afford these?"

"They aren't from him dummy! Fushiguro doesn't have a job!"

"...It was Gojo sensei's idea..."

That explained a lot.

"So... are you going to wear that to the event?"

___________

After a change of clothes, they met Ijichi. It was in fact, not Itadori's birthday but a plan created by none other than Satoru Gojo.

"Does anyone think Ijichi seems more nervous than usual?"

It turns out that their teacher had threatened the man if he were to accidentally ruin the surprise. The threat being that Gojo would replace all of the man's shoes with pairs a size smaller when he wasn't expecting it.

"I-it's no-nothing! Please step inside the vehicle so I may escort the three of you!"

___________

He eventually dropped them outside of an abandoned studio set.

"I don't see why she would come to a place like this... Something's fishy..."

"HE'S FIGURING IT OUT, FUSHIGURO! TIME FOR PLAN B!"

"Right!"

Suddenly Yuji was thrown into a garbage bag.

"Let me out, it's dark in here!"

"Sorry but we're doing this for your own good Itadori!"

"Why can't I break through the bag!? Did you guys infuse it with cursed energy!?"

"Don't get mad, get GLAD Yuji!"

___________

The two then dropped Itadori on to a chair.

"Ugh... What's going on here?"

"Let me answer that for you!"

Suddenly the lights turned on and Yuji was next to a familiar face.

"Gojo sensei? I didn't know you knew Jennifer Laurence!"

Nobara was then heard laughing in the crowd (which consisted of her, Megumi, the year two and three students plus the Kyoto group. Todo being the only one absent)."

Let me explain, my dear Yuji. You are here to see the results of our paternity test!"

"I'll tell you what I told grandpa. Unless it's Goku, then I'm not interested. Why couldn't my dad give me cool powers like rasengan or bankai?"

"THOSE AREN'T EVEN FROM DRAGON BALL!"

"Will the audience please refrain from interrupting? We received this letter Yuji, and it's from your late grandfather."

The screen then played a video showing the contents in the envelope.

"I don't know if you are reading this but Yuji, for the love of god, listen to your elders for once! There's something you should know about your mother. She-"

The screen then cut out.

"Who's on technical staff? Can we get a fix on this?"

A minute later and the footage returned.

"I just thought that you should know that. P.S., please get me out of here! The nurses are evil! They keep-"

"And then it just ends there."

"That's gramps for you, always such a joker."

Then a single "YO, WHAT THE FUCK!?" could be heard.

"Settle down everyone! Now for our first guest, Kenjaku!"

Boos immediately starting springing from the crowd.

"Lets be civilized everyone! Now Kenjaku, you claim to be the father of Yuji?"

"Mother actually."

Everyone was now silent.

"HOW CAN HE BE MY MOTHER!?"

"Now calm down son, I merely took over your mother's corpse."

"WHAT!?"

"You are my only successful child, the others having been aborted."

"BOOOOOOOO!!!!"

"Why are they booing, they know I'm right!"

"..How many siblings of mine did you kill...?"

"About nine. But don't worry, they were only your half brothers."

"YOU SAY THAT LIKE IT'S NORMAL!"

"Alright, this is getting out of hand. Yuji, your siblings are backstage if you would like the chance to meet them."

" Huh!?"

"Will everyone please give a round of applause for Choso, Eso and Kechizu!"

As the screen showed them enter, everyone could see the rage on the eldest brothers face. Choso then ran up to Kenjaku and began to punch him in the face.

"GOJO! GOJO! GOJO! GOJO!"

Eso then had to restrain him.

"LET ME GO! I NEED TO KILL HIM!"

Kenjaku just smirked and then stuck his tongue out.

"Will everyone please have a seat! Now Choso, you say that Yuji is your younger brother?"

"Yes but first let me say that Noranso, Sho-oso, Tanso, Sanso, Kotsuso and Shoso are deeply saddened that they could not be here. Sadly they are still hidden in your schools warehouse... That bastard of a man over there has been switching bodies for countless years! He kidnapped our mother and did unspeakable things to her!"

"Mama..."

Kechizu began to sob, Eso then going to comfort him.

"BOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

"PUT HIM ON DEATH ROW!"

"Now, now everyone, you know as well as I do that Japan doesn't have those rules. I'm sure the last thing you want is some boring law speech from Higuruma. Kenjaku, would you like to tell us your side of the story?"

"Thank you Gojo. I would just like to say that I regret my actions but only because my son's turned out to be such failures!"

"WHY COULDN'T YOU LOVE US LIKE YUJI!?"

"Because he's my special. Anyway, let's talk about something else."

"Hmm. Yuji, what are your thoughts?"

The boy was catatonic. Gojo then waived a hand in front of his face.

"I think I might have broke him..."

"YOU BETTER FIX MY BABY BROTHER!"

Just then another person came into the spotlight.

"DID SOMEONE SAY BROTHER!?"

Gojo then motioned for the security.

"Who let him in!?"

"MY BEST FRIEND, WAKE UP!"

Todo then slapped Itadori.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING TO OUR BROTHER!?"

"CUT TO THE COMMERCIAL BREAK!"

___________

"Aaaaannd we're back!"

The screen now showed a conscious Yuji stuck in between Todo and Choso (who were very badly beaten up and bruised).

"Todo, we have the results and Yuji is not your brother."

"HE MAY NOT BE MY BROTHER BY BLOOD, BUT HE IS IN SPIRIT! WE EVEN WENT TO THE SAME ELEMENTARY SCHOOL-"

"I told you that never happened!"

"May I please remind everyone that I, Satoru Gojo am the incredibly talented and handsome host? Now, let's meet the father everyone! Get him in here!"

Out came a very distressed Sukuna and Uraume.

"NO FUCKING WAY! YOU'VE TAKEN THIS TO FAR, SENSEI!"

"For once I have to agree with the brat. We don't even look alike! Where are his second set of arms and eyes! He's too much of a pathetic weakling to have come from me!"

Just then a second voice made itself known.

"Hello son!"

Everyone was now staring at Sukuna's second stomach.

"KENJAKU, DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH MY BROTHER!?"

"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. A thousand years is a long time to keep a guy waiting you know!"

Uraume sighed.

"If only I had known, for I would have poked your brain with an icicle!"

The stomach then began to frown.

"May I please have a moment with my son?"

"Dad?"

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you Yuji. Gege said I was only allowed to make a cameo in Jujutsu Kaisen."

"Did that thing just break the fourth wall?"

"What I'm trying to say is, I love you son-"

Sukuna then took Gojo and split him in half, putting the upper portion of the man into his stomach. All that was left was the lower body still standing in place. Sukuna then took the microphone.

"That's why I loooooove, Nestle crunch!"

"SPIT HIM OUT!"

"Fine brat."

Jin Itadori then vomited back up half of a skeleton.

Inside the crowd, Hakari's bag began to rumble.

"You sure?"

"There's no better time, do it now!"

"Alright but if you die, it's game over!"

Hakari then threw a ball at the stage.

"Kashimo, I choose you! Use thunderbolt!"

Out popped the god of thunder, decked out in his Lightning McQueen merch. He was about to attack but then stopped. It seems like Sukuna had unintentionally used attract. Uraume then pushed their way forward.

"Enough of this, we shall see the results!"

They opened the envelope and their face began to pale.

"This cannot be!"

"Let me see that!"

In bold letters wrote

'JIN ITADORI IS THE FATHER'

"I REFUSE TO BE APART OF THIS! KENJAKU, YOU TAKE HIM! JUST KNOW THAT I REFUSE TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT!"

Sukuna then went off to destroy whatever was in arms reach.

Suddenly another man entered the stage.

"Which one of you ordered entertainment for the birthday party?"

It was Toji dressed in a monkey costume."

Dad?"

"Oh, Megumi? Is it your birthday, I can't remember."

"What are you doing here!?"

"Hey I'm just trying to make some money!"

A fire had broken out and now Kechizu was petting his worm.

"Looks like I'm not getting paid. Oh well, back to my OnlyFans."