#he can be really fucking serious and sophisticated and mature. but he can also be an autistic silly little guy who goes :3

[iridiss]

something something about autism masking and how it relates to Mystreet Garroth’s character development. something about how Mystreet Aphmau “Has Never Masked Her Chaotic Audhd Once In Her Life” McGee influences Garroth to crawl out of his posh boy shell and goof off and run wild

[science-lings]

LU Twili Beast HCs but Only Stupid Opinions

mama mia here we go again

I’m actually gonna have mercy on you guys this time though

Time-

Serious answer: I know canonically he’s also a wolf, you know as the hero’s spirit, however if he wasn’t a wolf, I think he’d be a Lion. They’re the most stay-at-home-dad animals out there yet they are also the most feared. The duality of playing with the kids one second and committing a violent crime the next is perfect Time energy. Also, as someone with a lot of experience with cats, lions are just slightly larger cats. Meaning they are both the smartest and the stupidest motherfuckers out there. They like to act like they’re so sophisticated and intelligent then they walk into a glass door and yell at you for it. I like to think that Time’s maturity is a front and he’s really just as much of a dumbass as the rest of them.

Crack answer: Just a regular house cat, contrary to popular belief, cats care a lot about their people. They bring back dead birds and live snakes because they don’t see you hunting for your own food and don’t want you to starve. I can see Time as one of those outside farm cats that lives off of the mice that gather and becomes besties with all the farm animals. Epona would recognize him instantly and he would find a way to climb on her back without hurting her.

Warriors-

Serious answer: Horse. Not only are they very much associated with war, they’re also beautiful and majestic and are completely willing and able to fucking kill you. There aren’t many other animals associated with war the way they are and have the perfect balance of proud and pretty, and absolutely deadly. They’re also smart and have soulless eyes, just like every other bisexual I know. 

Crack answer: Swiftwind from She-Ra. if you know, you know. If any of them could pull of being a unicorn with rainbow wings and fabulous hair it’s definitely Wars. Anyway, drama queen with the capacity for great violence.  What is a unicorn if not a horse with a built in sword growing on it’s forehead. Also I think Warriors deserves a little magic, I mean one of his main weapons is a fire rod and he constantly talks to fairies. 

Legend- 

Serious answer: In canon he is a rabbit, but I think he’s much more of a ferret. they’re just ferocious little snake kittens. They fit in small places and can wiggle out of any predicament. Despite being adorable, they can look fuckin pissed. I’m kind of scared of them. 

Crack answer: Chihuahua, small fashionable asshole. Filled with rage and anxiety but ultimately pretty misunderstood and deserves better.

Hyrule-

Serious answer: Fox. Idk what to tell you, they’re clever and cute and are associated with fae and trickster spirits. Also I feel like foxes have anxiety and are a little jumpy. He’s mischievous and doesn’t know how to follow orders and thoroughly enjoys fucking around and not being there for the fallout. 

Crack answer: The magic alien lion in She-Ra. Just a kibby made of magic adopted by gay people. Cautious and not super trusting at first but he’s a good judge of character and is surprisingly very nice. Also literally made of magic. And I think it he also deserves some lion imagery to show his courage and all that. He deserves to be cool and badass guys. 

Sky-

Serious answer: An Eagle. I really wanted him to be a bird because of course, and eagles are like the most majestic badass birds out there. They’re associated with freedom and leadership and as he’s kind of the first reincarnation of Link, I think he deserves to have that kind of symbolism attached to him. 

Crack answer: Pikachu. Cute and adorable but has the power of god on his side and can smite you, but you really have to deserve it because he’s generally super chill. Like if remlits could choose when to go apeshit. He has some self control. Sometimes. 

Wind-

Serious answer: Parrot. Like a one of those macaws that are blue and green. They’re smart and clever and the most piratey animal ever. They’re also loud and talkative. They’re also cute and I love them. I feel like if a parrot were to engage in combat it would be very agile and loud about it. Like Wind. Like it would do dramatic flips and shit like how Wind does that rolling dodge constantly.

Crack answer: this crab

Four-

Serious answer: 4-5 mice, they’re all color coded. They’re smart and sneaky and small. I feel like they would climb on top of each other. I know rats are smarter and four deserves to be smart but mice are smaller and cuter. Maybe shadow is the rat in the group of mice...

Crack answer: a swarm of bees. These bitches know teamwork. Have you seen a beehive? that shit is modern art. They’re also chill unless you hurt one of them, then you’re really in for it. You underestimate bees yet you fear them, some of the greatest predators are bees. They deserve your fear. And so does Four. 

Twilight-

Serious answer: I like him being a wolf, I think it fits, however I do also like the idea that he’s not 100% wolf. He’s like half domesticated dog and he just looks like a wolf. No one really knows though. I just don’t think the wolf fully shows how much of a good boy he is. 

Crack answer: He wanted to be a fuckin ordonian goat let him be a fuckin goat. Their horns are stupidly impractical but he seems like the type that wants a simple life. He’s had enough chaos and trauma and he would be very happy just to chill out for like fifty more years until he dies. He deserves to nap in the sun and eat grass and not be forced to have thoughts. Also goats are stronger than they look and can probably break all your organs with a headbutt. Twilight would just be the most badass goat out there. 

Wild-

Serious answer: As much as I like him being part of the wolf trio and thus making him a wolf, I think he’s much more like a Jaguar. (or a smaller wildcat like a Lynx or a bobcat) Cats are stealthy predators and good climbers and known for being great hunters. They’re also good at falling long distances and in botw I’m constantly jumping off of very tall places. But they are still cats and that means they’re naturally a little weird. Big cats are also affected by zoomies/ bouts of restlessness that cause them to run around and yell about it, and they play with their food and enjoy napping in the sun. He could also be a cheetah because they get so anxious that they need their own emotional support dogs and they’re very fast and Wild has the capacity to be incredibly fast. 

Crack answer: Raven, clever, death omen, collects things, witchy, being gay and doing crimes babey. As a concept he isn’t scary but he definitely has the capacity to be absolutely terrifying. He may look edgy but he’s really just a little guy who likes to hoard stuff and things. And is likely to stab you for those stuff and things. 

[petitepandabear]

The Empty Office | Chapter 13

Words: 4702

Mature warning: sexual content

Two months later

The merger between Eldia Inc. and the Jaeger-Marley Group was largely a success. You felt partly responsible for the employees who were let go, wondering if you truly had given fair and sufficient summaries of their productivity. You hadn’t added any of your own bias into the reports, but if there was missing information about meaningful projects, then that was on you. You decided not to think about it, seeing as there were other things to occupy your mind.

Levi entered the picture again, taking a newly freed office beside Hange. You were moved from Erwin’s space to the fifth floor where you became Eren’s assistant instead. You were surprised at how willingly the man relinquished most of his influence during the merger, but it made for a peaceful transition for everyone. Zeke, trusting Eren enough to maintain a sophisticated level of performance, had retired to the southern coast to enjoy sunny days, baseball, and wine.

The pressure on the younger Jaeger was greater than ever, but he seemed to be doing well enough. The two of you found ways to keep each other from going insane.

“I just can’t believe that he would move me to a completely different position, you know,” you grumbled as you arranged a few belongings on a desk that rested in your very own office.

You liked having a small, glorified closet space to yourself, but the fact that Erwin had moved you hurt. Had he really taken your news so badly?

“Are you saying that you don’t like working with me,” Eren teased, not oblivious to your concerns. “Because that might get you moved again.”

You passed him a book to place on the shelf he stood by.

“You know that’s not what I mean. I’m just frustrated and…I don’t know how to put it.”

“You can say you’re pissed at him. I get it.”

You smiled before continuing rearranging your name plaque, meaningless papers, and your coffee mug. Something about the desk was perpetually displeasing and you gave up soon after. Eren’s office was the next task that the two of you had to tackle, so you walked over to help him with his more…extensive possessions.

It wasn’t even that bad. You were just exhausted after hauling countless boxes and files from his car to the fifth floor. Really, all that paper really was a stark representation of how many fucks Zeke gave about the environment. None. You knew it would be your job to make electronic copies of them all. The idea of such a daunting task made you groan internally.

“So did you ever figure out what you wanted?”

“In a relationship?”

“Yeah or life. Whatever.”

You sighed, pushing a box to the side of the room. Eren’s space was void of furniture, bare grey carpets shivering from the lack of pressure to calm them.

“I want something stable, romantic, preferably long-term.”

“Do you want kids?”

“Uhm. I haven’t really given it much thought. Maybe? I think I’d rather be with someone who was also on the fence, or at least not extreme either way. Why do you ask?”

“I feel like kids are something people find important when considering a serious relationship,” he said, shrugging. “Do either of them seem like they’d want kids?”

You scoffed. “Levi definitely not. Erwin maybe. Probably also not though. What they want is difficult to figure out.” You decided to pry a bit. “Do you want kids?”

He coughed, averting his gaze as if there were shame in admitting such a thing.

“Oh my god you totally do.”

“Not now,” he protested. “Maybe someday though. I think they’re nice.”

“You’re a lot softer than you look,” you said with a smirk.

“I just like the idea of having a mini me that I can maybe raise better and with more love than I was.”

You nodded slowly, giving his arm a few well meaning pats. “That’s a very sweet thought, Eren.”

“Now you’re just being mean.”

“Sorry, sorry,” you laughed. “I won’t say anything else. Promise.”

“Go do your job or something,” he chuckled in return. “I’ll finish up here.”

You left him to sort through his belongings alone. After plugging in your laptop and clicking away at the slippery keys, answering upset emails from people still contacting you to set up meetings with Erwin, you took a moment to review your new set of responsibilities.

They largely remained the same, but Eren seemed to have a more hands-off approach, leaving you plenty of freedom to just sit. In agonizing silence. With nothing to do. When his schedule was created, stacked with reminders and a few unimportant events, you ran out of little projects. It wasn’t that Eren was less important than Erwin, but the brunette didn’t seem as involved in the company. Which meant you were less involved. You wondered what you would do with your time now that it seemed to consume you in abundance.

Normally, you’d pay Hange a visit, but the risk of running into the two people you desperately tried to avoid was too great. You had given up on trying to be pleasant and pretending as if nothing had happened. Levi had shared sensitive information, Erwin had become upset. As far as you were concerned, your attachments to the shorter man were completely gone. The shame you felt for betraying Erwin in a sense was still fairly present in your thoughts.

You were unfathomably stressed over a choice that you might not even have to make in the first place. That realization was a wake-up call. You wouldn’t let yourself be troubled anymore about it.

With this refreshing perspective, you started directing your attention to other things, using your extra time to keep your mind and hands busy. Finally putting your degree to use, you wrote, attempting to create that one product, the book that would help you see a worthwhile career in writing. You had many half finished, forgotten projects to choose from, and getting back into that creative rhythm was easier every day.

Inspiring Eren came as a byproduct of your determination. He began coming to the office with a sketchpad and charcoal pencils, taking breaks whenever he could spare to scratch a portrait of the city in the afternoon. You pushed each other through the frustrations and failures, until he started selling prints of his work, and you mustered the courage to submit your book to publishers for review.

It was a plain narrative, perhaps too autobiographical for comfort, but you were proud of your little novel, a symbol of a forgotten hobby turned career.

It took a few more months of trudging through work and idling around until the end of the day for Eren to leave the company. You weren’t exactly shocked, but his absence left a somber lull in your own routine. You kept your office, your new duties now being finding ways to fairly distribute Eren’s responsibilities while Erwin looked for his replacement.

After the third week of shouldering most of the loose responsibility, you found yourself standing in the elevator with the frustrated tap of your foot warding away any attempts of small talk. It was a Monday morning and the only thing between you and a dramatic eruption of fury was the possibility that you’d one day need a letter of recommendation.

You waltzed through the hall and into the front area of Erwin’s office, once your own space of comfort. The new girl at your former desk had short, ashy hair and thin frame glasses. She greeted you with an air of disinterest.

“I need to speak with Erwin,” you said, no, demanded, your arms folded over your chest as you stood in as strong a position as you could muster.

With her eyes still half lidded she replied. “He’s not in yet. If you tell me who you are I can let him know you stopped by—”

“That won’t be necessary.”

You turned and saw Erwin, briefcase in one hand, coffee in the other. He gestured for you to follow him into his office.

“What can I do for you,” he said civilly, which was a welcome change from the last time you had tried to talk to him. He was much colder then.

“I have some concerns about what’s been happening now that Eren’s gone.”

You wondered if he blamed you for putting ideas in his head, which you couldn’t truly be guilty of because Eren’s actions and desires to pursue art had been with him from the moment he started working at his family’s company.

“Are you regretting encouraging him to follow his dreams?”

You bit your tongue, holding back a frustrated quip. “No, I just wanted to address some concerns,” you repeated.

“By all means,” he said, pulling a chair to his desk for you. “Tell me.”

As soon as you sat down, you blurted out what you had wanted to say for the last month.

“I’ve considered all my options quite carefully, and I realize that while my time at this company has been constructive and pleasant, I no longer see myself growing in skills and capabilities. I want to pursue other endeavors and hopefully find something that I love. So, I’m putting my two weeks in. If that’s alright with you.”

Much to your surprise, he chuckled, a subtle shake in his chest that fell to the floor in deep rumbles.

“If it’s alright with me,” he echoed, still caught in an amused expression. “I’ve missed having you around.”

You continued carefully, voice barely more than a whisper. “You sent me away.”

“I know,” he mumbled, eyes and lips falling again into neutrality. “I shouldn’t have, although it did give me time to process my own…emotions.”

You hummed in understanding. He went on.

“Do you have another employment opportunity lined up? If you need me to make any calls I’m more than happy to do so.”

You shook your head, embarrassed to tell him, but you saw from the way his brows were arched in interest that he wouldn’t be satisfied with anything less than the truth.

“I actually wrote a book, or am writing a book,” you said, biting your lip. “I picked up an old project from school.”

“Sounds fascinating,” he said. “Will you be published soon?”

“I hope,” you laughed nervously. “Maybe I’ll send you a signed copy when it’s done.”

“I’d like that.”

You sat in awkward silence for a moment before he spoke again.

“I’ve found a replacement for Eren. Would you be alright showing him the ropes in your last weeks here?”

Nodding, you rose to your feet, ready to head back to your own office.

“Oh, and [y/n]?”

You stopped. “Yes?”

“Thank you, for everything.”

Unable to think of anything to say back, you gave him a quick smile and left. Retrospectively, you wished you had said something more, thanked him or tried to mumble some glorious confession or a “you’re welcome,” anything. But your voice was caught in your throat, and you had no more emotional energy to expend.

Noticing Levi’s door was shut, you decided to visit Hange, approaching the welcoming office.

They greeted you enthusiastically. “What’re you doing up here in the danger zone,” they asked, wrapping their arms around you.

“I just quit,” you mumbled, holding your hands out in front of you, fingers trembling as if you had just committed some terrible crime. “I don’t even know what I was thinking.”

“Excuse me,” they grabbed you by the shoulders and stared deep into your eyes for an uncomfortable pause. “Shit you’re not kidding.”

You gave their arm a squeeze. “I think it’ll be fine,” you said. “It’s a change for sure, but I feel good about it.”

“You’ll be leaving me,” they moped. “How did Erwin react?”

“He offered to write me a letter of recommendation.”

“That’s it,” they fumed, stomping away from you to walk their frustration off by pacing in a circle. “I told him—”

“You what?"

They muttered a string of curses under their breath.

“What did you tell him, Hange,” you demanded.

After taking a deep breath, they continued. “I told him to stop being such a goddamn fool and do something good for himself for once. Obviously he misunderstood me.”

“Are you really trying to be a wingman for the both of us right now?”

“You need the help!”

“What happened to not dating Erwin because of his commitment issues, hm?”

“Well he’s obviously not the only one that has them so I figured it’d be fine.”

You said nothing, mulling over Hange’s quip. You didn’t have commitment issues, did you? Maybe you had something, but it wasn’t that; although, your original decision to avoid making a choice between pursuing Erwin and Levi had seemed…like something someone with commitment issues might do.

“This can’t be real,” you groaned, collapsing into Hange’s chair.

“How did he react when you told him,” they insisted, pulling their second seat to the other side of the desk. “Tell me everything.”

“He didn’t really have much of a reaction at all,” you admitted. “He laughed at something I said, asked me about my future plans, told me to train Eren’s replacement, then he thanked me and I left.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” they said, pressing their hands against the desk. “How did he thank you?”

“He said thanks,” you replied, a questioning brow lifted on your face. “Then I left.”

“But how did he introduce it?”

“Well,” you mused. “I was on my way out after telling him I’d help Eren’s new replacement, and he asked me to wait. That’s when he said it I guess. What does it matter?”

“You are the most clueless person I know,” Hange groaned, a heavy sigh leaving their lips.

“What are you talking about?”

“Erwin was obviously trying to tell you something else.”

You shook your head. He had been fairly direct. Besides, his reaction to the news about you and Levi was straightforward as well. There really was no room for doubt in his words and actions. The way he moved, spoke, even seemed to breathe under your gaze had made his feelings obvious.

“You’re overanalyzing,” you said. “Whatever awkward essence of what I thought we had is gone.”

“Do you really think Erwin would give up on something so easily?”

The question struck you more forcefully than you had expected. This was Erwin you were considering, the man who would rather work than attend to his lovers, the man who gave up everything to build an enterprise. He was ruthless, determined, respectful, and the only reason you could come up with to explain his distance was his concern for you. The value he placed on your feelings and experiences.

“Oh my god,” you muttered. “Am I really that stupid?”

“You’ve been going through a lot recently,” Hange comforted. “It’s to be expected.”

“I’m not the kind of person to cave under pressure.”

“Then don’t,” they encouraged. “Go back to his office and talk to him.”

Before you could doubt yourself, they pushed you from the room and dragged your shuffling body down the hall, planting you in the doorway of the lobby to Erwin’s office. The girl at the desk didn’t even look up.

“Talk to him,” Hange insisted. “Say whatever you need to. Do whatever feels right.”

“Thanks for the helpful advice,” you mumbled through gritted teeth before tapping your fist on Erwin’s door.

This sound got the new assistant’s attention, but she said nothing, glancing from you to Hange, both of your expressions daring her to interrupt your quest. You were sure Hange’s face was more intimidating than yours, but whoever was more threatening to the woman achieved the desired effect of thwarting her attempt to stop you.

“Come in,” Erwin’s muffled voice invited through the door.

A deep breath. The desperate brush of your hands against your clothes. A nervous twist of your hair. You entered.

“Oh,” Erwin said, staring at you in confusion. He was frowning. He didn’t want to see you. Already, you were starting to feel like this was the worst idea of your life, regret and anxiety clawing at your chest as you turned to the door, pressing it closed. The burn on your face was only momentarily hidden. You had to shift your gaze back to him.

“Is everything alright,” he asked, this time rising from his seat to approach you.

You jumped a little at the sound of his footsteps, the intensity of his presence and breath dangerously close.

“We need to talk,” you managed to say with a shaky voice.

“What about,” he prompted. Another step. Then more words you barely recognized. “Is there something else you need to get off your chest? If you’d rather not work with the man taking over for Eren, I can ask Levi or Hange to do it instead—”

“It’s got nothing to do with that,” you protested, stepping away from him as he inched towards you with the slightest lean of his broad shoulders. “It’s personal.”

He paused. “Let’s sit down.”

He brushed past you tenderly, pulling a chair from the wall to the middle of the room before taking his own rolling seat from behind his desk, placing it across from the seat he set out for you. Except, he sat in the black cushioned place, gesturing for you to rest yourself into his personal chair. Hesitantly, you obliged, wondering what his motives were. The gentle leather was still warm from his body, the lingering notes of his cologne falling on the armrests with delicacy. You breathed deeply, daring to meet his expectant gaze.

“You’re familiar with the…extended situation I’ve found myself in,” you began. He nodded slowly, silence inviting you to continue. “I’ve been giving the whole thing a lot of thought and I was wondering if you could help me with something.”

“Anything,” he said, a little too hastily. You weren’t sure he really meant what he said. He didn’t know you wanted to kiss him, or maybe he did and was yearning for the same thing. That was a little idealistic. Either way, it was Eren’s idea in the first place and if everything turned sour you would blame the brunette entirely. And perhaps Hange as well.

You exhaled, a tumbling puff of air falling through your teeth. With your focus now entirely devoted to your twitching fingers, you didn’t dare glance back up at him. Voice barely a whisper, you spoke.

“I’d like to kiss you.”

He said nothing for a moment, a silence that tugged your bent neck straight. He was gorgeous, just sitting there with a pensive expression, mouth twisting at the edges in a hesitant smile.

“Can you ask again,” he said softly.

Embarrassment flared against your skin and you jumped to your feet, desperate to escape the new heat of the room.

“I’m sorry, that was a stupid thing to say. I should go,” you tried to walk past him and back to the safety of the lobby, back to the comfort of the hall, back to the solitude of your office. But he blocked your escape with the simple, firm grasp of his hand.

“Ask. Again,” he commanded this time, standing to meet you. Well, standing to tower over you was a more accurate description.

Completely captivated by his assertiveness, your words staggered and wobbled and tripped on your tongue until you finally managed to just barely express your previous statement.

“I’d like to kiss you,” you repeated. “Please.”

He responded to your words by giving you exactly what you had asked for.

His lips were surprisingly mild, pillowy force tasting faintly of warm coffee and honey. He had been sipping his favorite drink this morning. You pushed yourself against him, passion burning in your stomach as you begged him to deepen the kiss. He obliged with a surprisingly elegant brush of his tongue as his hands found their way to your body. One rested against your back, holding you in place, the other snaking around your torso, a welcome shift. His sudden break from you drew a low whine from your throat. You were embarrassed for making such a sound, but he didn’t seem to mind.

After a few breaths, you blinked up at him, reading the question on his face. You answered with the simple action of tugging at the buttons of your shirt, fumbling with them intentionally to build an agonizing tension. His own hands reached out to help you, roughly tugging away the shirt with eagerness. You tried to hide it, but you were even more desperate.

Not caring what objects would tumble to the floor, Erwin cleared a spot on his desk with a firm swipe of his arm. After placing you on the cold table, he pulled your skirt down your knees, with you helping by unzipping the constrictive side, letting the chill of the air bite your lower limbs. Positioning his torso between your legs, toned arms planted on either side of you, his warmth pressed against you, he pulled you into a kiss once again. You gasped against his mouth as he squeezed your upper thigh, his trimmed nails digging into your skin before drawing your panties down to join your skirt. Butterfly lips migrated from your face to your neck, to the dip between your shoulder and collar bone. You felt his tongue linger there before the sharpness of his teeth took hold of the thinned flesh. Your hand flew to his hair, gripping the back of his head needily.

“You’re such a sweet girl,” he murmured into your shoulder before leaving a proud, tear-shaped mark beneath his grin. “Ask for me.”

“Erwin,” you managed to choke, arousal consuming your body.

“Again,” he commanded as he took the edge of your ear between his teeth and pinched, pressure building as he did. His thumbs were massaging circles below your hips, your body aching for him as he teased, his hardness still kept from you under layers of frustrating cloth.

The only sound you could make was an unceremonious gasp, your hands falling to his shoulders, clutching at his shirt. You wanted to feel every part of him, his warm chest bare against your own, his gently calloused hands around you, every inch he had to offer.

“What was that?”

“Erwin,” you insisted as his cold fingers trailed your stomach, hand enveloping your breast. “Please.”

A faint jingle alerted you that his other hand was occupied with his belt. You shivered with satisfaction, anticipating the way he’d feel inside you.

“Look at you,” he mumbled against your ear, dick coming tantalizingly close to your slit. “Be a good girl for me and beg.”

Your knees spread further apart hopelessly. Completely under his control, there was no turning back now. The longer you had to wait for him to fill you, the worse the throbbing in your core became. He was baiting you at this point, taunting your desperation, taking advantage of your eagerness. You wished you could make him feel as defenseless as you did, command his body with trails of kisses and praising words. All semblances of his intimidation had been twisted into an overwhelming presence of raw authority that surrounded you, claiming your body as its own.

And then he finally released you from the harrowing anticipation. You inhaled deeply, eyes squeezing shut as you grew accustomed to him. His style was just as mocking as his foreplay, abruptly pushing deep within you, then drawing back far enough for you to whine and tighten around almost nothing. The irregularity of his thrusts kept you interested, unsure of what would follow next. His shadow covered you, chest hovering above your face as his arms gripped the edge of the desk across from where he stood. You could feel the weary piece of furniture inch backwards every once in a while from his weight leaning into you and against the table.

His lips were on the base of your neck, the sporadic tugging and suction of your skin appearing between labored breaths. Then he stopped littering your flesh with hickeys, pressing his nose into your neck, letting out a muffled groan against your inflamed skin.

“Fuck,” he muttered, releasing the tension that had been building inside him, a new warmth spreading through you. His breathing slowly became more calmed as he drew himself from you, hungrily crashing his lips against your own. “You were so good for me,” he whispered. “Do you need help finishing, pretty girl?”

Whimpering as he placed his knee between your legs, gently pushing your body further up the desk, you became aware of the new sensation of his experienced fingers skillfully adding pressure to your core, maneuvering between your legs with clear purpose.

You whined, feeling yourself respond pathetically to his knowledgeable strokes, entire body trembling.

“Tell me it feels good,” he said close to your ear.

“Erwin,” you moaned, restraining your volume as best as you could. “I…It—”

A soft moan from the back of your nose interrupted your attempt to speak.

“Tell me,” he repeated. “You’re a smart girl, use your words.”

“It feels so good,” you stuttered. “Erwin.”

Your heightened levels of arousal made it easy for him to coax out your final energy as he kissed you, fingers pumping simultaneously. Once satisfied, expressing it a little too vocally, you leaned back on the desk, neck hanging off the edge, drops of sweat falling from your weary back to the stained surface of the altar.

He wiped you clean with a tissue, a low voice praising your efforts, calling you a “gorgeous girl,” congratulating you on coming for him. Because of him. Exhausted, you were completely at his mercy as he helped you sit up, and dressed you. After you were straightened out, he gathered you into his chest, placing a chaste kiss on the top of your head.

You let him hold you, folding contentedly into his warmth, in awe from the experience. Sure, Levi had done similar things to pleasure you, his thinner, more elegant fingers familiar with your being, but something about Erwin’s style left you entirely breathless. Maybe it was the spontaneity of it, or the aching desire that motivated it. Maybe it was the quiet praise and teasing dripping from Erwin’s voice. Levi only ever degraded you, and while that was hot in its own way, the change of pace was refreshing. With Erwin, you felt like you were the sole priority of the encounter. You broke away from this train of thought quickly, scolding yourself for falling briefly into the unhealthy mindset of harsh comparison and deficiency.

“Was that too much too soon,” he asked cautiously. You felt his jaw move up and down from where his chin sat atop your hair. “I know it was a little more than the kiss you asked for.”

“No,” you whispered back to him. “I think it was perfect.”

“Perfect, huh? That’s high praise,” he teased.

Drawing you away from him and giving you a once over with his gaze, thumb and forefinger tucked under your chin, he deemed you presentable enough to leave his office. He guided you to the door, hand resting against the middle of your back. Before sending you on your way, he smiled, a tender expression that juxtaposed the hungry gleam from earlier.

“My beautiful girl,” he whispered, brushing your cheek with his thumb. “I’m going to miss you.”

Deciding not to risk anything by responding, you simply pulled him close to you, arms wrapped around his firm torso. He stroked your hair while you stood for a few more moments of peace. Then, with nervous fingers, you turned the handle of the door and exited his office.

The lobby area was colder, probably due to the lack of strained body heat. The assistant was nowhere to be seen, neither was Hange, which was alright with you. You didn’t want to deal with anyone at the moment. Still experiencing the lingering effects of the aroused high, you embarked on the uncomfortable walk back to your office, shaking at the memory of Erwin.

This was where everything could change.

[gyokuto]

i’m rewriting yashahime in my head (i’m only half serious, oh also, i’m not a writer)

-i’m not keen on the idea of sessh procreating for some reason it feels ooc lmao (hello aroace king), but i think towa and setsuna are cute. it seemed like there was naraku symbolism & kagura fit nature vs. nurture, so for the sake of keeping the twins, somehow kagura is reborn, and we’re gonna say she is a half-demon. the twins are hers and sessh’s. they’re actually 3 quarter demons which i think is a cool contrast to their cousin moroha

-rin is the best older sister ever, and the apple of her father’s eye! i’m trying to think of what would be a good “profession” for her...but honestly i just want her to be happy and carefree lol. her childhood was very stressful

-i like the twins’ designs, but i haven’t thought about them much since i was never a huge sessh fan. towa is for sure nonbinary. personally, i wish their discomfort with gender norms was explored more in “canon.” setsuna, i have to think about more since they basically wrote her like a 14 yr old, less mean version of sessh, but i would wanna flesh her character out more. i think it would be cool if they were actually hisui’s age (and older than moroha by maybe a year or two?)

-once i had this thought that it would be cool if there was a time period where mixed human/demon ancestry was more common (maybe humans like sango and miroku have distant demon relatives like a great grandparent or something. can we explore this???), and something happened and it became taboo which is why inuyasha went through what he did, etc. so, there’s still discrimination over it, but things are getting better however towa and setsuna struggle because of who their “grandpa” (naraku) was. i think inuyasha (cause half-demon uncle) and rin (human who understands humans can be just as cruel) would play a big role in helping them accept that they’re not to be ashamed of their ancestry (side plot? maybe this is a side story apart from something else i talk about later in the post.)

-kohaku? he has no scar and his freckles are back! that boy has suffered enough. he still adores his sister & he is the best uncle ever! kohaku has very soft vibes lol for some reason i feel like he wouldn’t really want to slay demons after everything he went through. can we just let him rest? maybe he would become a healer of some sort. kohaku maintains a close relationship with sessh, kagura, and rin! lives with miroku and sango. maybe he is closest to his niece gyokuto?

-kingyo are BOTH alive and well. they’re both lesbians. gyokuto is spiritual like her father, and k���inu does her own thing. maybe she inherited his shady/flirty behavior? i feel like i saw a similar hc, and i think that’s cute. she’s off charming girls and that’s why we haven’t seen her

-hisui takes after his mom. he’s a sweet boy but he’s also serious. his mom trained him! he also learned some stuff from his uncle kohaku!

-miroku and sango are bicons. why is this relevant? cause i said so. i feel like it fits their characters idk why. they’re wholesome and happy because sango deserves the world. miroku is still flirty but only w/ sango because he’s matured and loves his fuckin wife. who wouldn’t? she’s amazing. also, we’re done with stupid misogynistic tropes! he never groped ppl. we are retconning that shit. kilala is also alive and well.

-miroku was the stay-at-home dad mostly while the kids were young & sango brought in some $ by doing slaying jobs, but i can see them switching it around and him bringing home $ from doing spiritual jobs. also, she is the head of the demon slayers because why wouldn’t she be? (she is the older sibling and unlike sunrise i’m aware that women can uh do something other than be wives, also kohaku’s done w/ that stuff remember?) 

-they live next to kagome and inuyasha! kagome and inuyasha had their beautiful little babeeyyyy moroha who takes after both of them. inuyasha loves his child very much, and is constantly overwhelmed by a happiness he never thought he would have! she’s pretty much like a mini version of him, and kagome finds their relationship very endearing. she loves them very much! like in the show, moroha’s in touch with her spiritual powers. i think it would be cool if something happened one day while moroha was by the well, and she ended up in the present time. sota, mama higurashi and grandpa higurashi would cry and dote on her properly. maybe the plot is that she is stuck there, and inukag gotta go get her back? cue eventual kagome reunion with her family that is very emotional and makes me cry.

-random, but i think it would be cute if miroku, kagome, and kaede taught the kids who were into spirituality and healing, and sango and inuyasha taught the kids who were more into combat/slaying. i liked the inuyasha and sango friendship and the miroku and kagome friendship, so i think that’s something i would explore more

-moroha and hisui are best buds since they’re basically the cousins closest in age (i mean towa and setsuna too, but i don’t think sesshoumaru + his family would live as close to everyone)

-kingyo are definitely moroha’s older sister figures too

-i think kaede is strong and not kicking the bucket anytime soon, so she would basically be like the go-to babysitter while the kids are young & she is fine with that. when the kids were younger, inu gang still went on little day missions while kaede looked after the kiddies

-little shippo...i don’t know what to do about him. maybe we can age him at the same rate as a human would until he is done with adolescence...? so maybe he would be around rin’s age? i think his role would be like an uncle/older brother to the kids. he lives with everyone in the village, of course! also, his powers and magic have gotten more sophisticated. i need to think more about his character

-my version would be more slice of life instead of everyone being unhappy and there being another big bad that needs to be defeated...

-we can keep kirinmaru cause his design is cool. he can be toga’s spiteful ex because why not?

-maybe there is a prophecy but it came from an oracle (maybe zero can be the oracle instead of his sister) who saw a quarter demon with strong spiritual powers would defeat kirinmaru in like 3 yrs time or something (he has become too powerful and tyrannical?) we can keep the manipulation of space-time as a thing. maybe he somehow triggered the events that led to moroha being trapped in present day? (she’s the MC of my version)

-maybe a chunk of the story follows her life throughout a few years trapped in the present-era, but it explores the ways in which demons are still a part of present day japan (that way she does get raised by her parents, but also is apart from them for a period enough for it to feel like there’s a conflict (mirroring when kagome couldn’t get back to feudal japan)

-maybe we see some of our og gangs descendants (moroha enrolls in school or something)?

-kirinmaru keeps tabs on her through osamu kirin????? she figures it out idfk

-inuyasha finds out his dads ex is scared of his 14 yr old daughter? dude idk someone said toga kirinmaru exes and my brain has been like fixated on this ever since. it’s like not even relevant but i will make it relevant some how

-after tearful higurashi reunion, they all go back to feudal era and kick kirinmaru’s ass. prophecy is fulfilled (maybe well stays functioning and kagome can once again travel back and forth. i have to work out how this wouldn’t screw time up. maybe we can just close our eyes and ignore it? hehe)

-omg i almost forgot koga. idk what would happen w/ him....i feel like he would definitely be like moroha’s uncle! ginta and hakkaku are married.

-OH! kikyo? she is fucking resting in peace. please let her rest. she went through so much lol.

[sammysdewysensitiveeyes]

" I should put in an appearance at the party. Make up some likely story to tell people. I know how you love explaining this sort of thing."

“No problem, Shaw.  I’ll just explain how you were delayed by your Irritable Bowel Syndrome acting up.”  

Sebastian paused for a moment, and gave a deep sigh that seemed to well up from his toes.

“Allerdyce.  Would it be too much to ask you to behave like a mature adult, just once?”

“I think I am being very mature and helpful by thinking up back-stories for everyone.  Irritable Bowel Syndrome is a serious disease, Shaw.”

“Well, you would be the expert on serious diseases, wouldn’t you?” Sebastian sniped back, and was rewarded by Pyro glaring at him.

“Gentlemen, I’m sure we can finish this mission if both of you use your talents,” Haven said gently, placing a hand on either man’s shoulder and not-so-subtly coming between them.  “Sebastian, I know you’ll be able to push the conversation in the right direction to get the information we need.  And St. John, you can come up with a believable back-story for Sebastian, just like you did for all the rest of us.”  

“Okay, he’s a trained bear that escaped from the circus and taught himself how to do sums and buy stocks – “

“This is pointless.  Of course Allerdyce won’t take this seriously, as usual.  He is entirely unreliable,” Sebastian interrupted.

“I think he’s actually quite reliable.  He comes through when we need him,” Haven said, and the look she gave Pyro was somewhere between scolding and encouraging, like a school-teacher dealing with a promising young smartass.  Pyro supposed it would remind him of his mother if he’d had a more normal childhood, but it didn’t.  Gran’s expressions had tended to be more extreme – either indulgent love or stern disapproval, not both at once.  Yet somehow, it still worked on him.  

Not to mention, the mission actually mattered to Pyro.  There were rumors of a medical research company working on genetic engineering to block the X-gene in a developing fetus.  There were quieter and darker rumors that the company also sought to destroy the X-gene in fully grown mutant adults, and some horrific experiments underway in secret labs.  Somewhere in this crowd of wealthy pharmaceutical and medical equipment CEO’s was someone with real blood on their hands.  

“Ugh, fine,” Pyro groaned.  He thought for a moment.  The real trick wasn’t coming up with a back-story, Pyro could spin hundreds of those out of nothing.  The trick was coming up with a role that the person could realistically play, which usually meant not straying too far from their actual life experience.  And to keep things simple, despite his desire to weave complicated plot webs.  

For Haven, he’d stuck with “wealthy humanitarian.” She was an intelligent woman, but not at all a good actress, and she’d never be able to disguise her overwhelming compassion.  He’d made her a rich widow (middle class background, but married into real big money) to explain her humble and unpretentious nature.  She was looking to invest in medical companies to create vaccines for all those poor, disease-ridden third-world countries that celebrities were always taking up as pet causes.  And perhaps the conversation might turn to mutants, and how those poor dears had such trouble with their powers sometimes, and how it might be better if there was also some kind of “vaccine” for them.

Madelyne had also insisted on being a rich widow, whose husband had died under “mysterious circumstances.” (He “fell” off a boat during a storm.)  She was looking to invest just to diversify her stock portfolio, and didn’t really care what the company did as long as it made a profit.  She seemed to be having a great time sipping wine and flirting heavily with every CEO – both male and female.  Between her cleavage and the expensive jewelry she was flashing around, no one was asking too many questions.  

Claudine was the head of research and development at a Texas-based pharmaceutical company, and was very vocal about her desire to develop gene therapy that would prevent more mutant births.  It was the only logical way to ensure that humanity was not out-bred into extinction.  Why she insisted on being from Texas, Pyro wasn’t sure, but she had a passable accent and wore a giant cowboy hat with a pants-suit and corset-style vest.  

Shinobi was the son of a wealthy Yakuza leader and an American fashion model/minor actress, and had grown up with every luxury. He was officially there to find potential investments for his parents’ money, but was also secretly looking into mutant gene therapy.  His father hoped to set up an underground business in Japan to scrub unborn babies of the X-gene, for wealthy parents that wanted a “normal” child.

Pyro himself was a high-level representative for an Australian copper mine, hoping to sell their business to medical equipment suppliers, as its antimicrobial properties was leading to hospitals using more and more copper-plated devices.  He’d done a couple of articles on the Australian mining industry back in the day, and had brushed up enough to talk about the business like an insider.  And presenting himself as a “cashed-up bogan” (having worked his way up to management from the bottom) would explain his lack of sophistication.  He didn’t like mutants at all.  Just plain, old-fashioned bigotry, the type he had heard many times growing up.  

So, what to do for Sebastian?

“You’re a self-made man from a poor background,” Pyro began.

“Yes, I am.  I thought you were supposed to come up with a false back-story for me, Allerdyce.  Is this what you call ‘creativity’?”

“Stuff it, Shaw.  I’m keeping it close to your actual background so that you can pull it off. You’re way too arrogant to actually do a decent job playing a character.”

“Just because I don’t care to perform like a trained monkey – “

“You were an engineer working on medical equipment, especially radiation therapy devices for cancer.  You eventually branched out into the business side of things, and now you own your own company.”

“I suppose that is….acceptable.”  Haven also nodded approvingly.

“You are supposedly here to sell your equipment, but really looking to branch into treatments to remove the X-gene.  Your brother was born a mutant, with powers that turned his skin translucent and made it impossible for him to live a normal life.  He was hidden in the attic like a shameful family secret and eventually killed himself. You are not anti-mutant, but you believe mutants should have the right to remove their powers if they want to.”

“I think any mutant would be foolish to destroy their gifts instead of finding a way to profit off them, but I do suppose they should have the right to make stupid decisions if they so desire.  I believe this is a role that I can play.”

“And of course, the greatest driving force in your life is your struggle with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.”

“For fucks sake, Allerdyce!”

[cafedanslanuit]

Head canon for RFA members with an MC who’s 10 years older than them? If it’s okay with you, thanks.

Yes, it’s perfectly okay!

Zen is 24, MC is 34

You meet Zen while you’re working as a costume director in one of his plays

He’s always really nice and quite a gentleman, so you get along fine

You notice he always has tons of girls waiting for him after rehearsals for a photo and that he’s getting more famous with each passing day

these youngsters

One day, you end up chatting while you’re making changes to one of his costumes. You end up explaining the last book you read, and he seemed really interested.

Since rehearsal was over, he stays with you, the costume is done and finished but he can’t stop listening to you

When you both realize it’s been over two hours, you laugh, and he walks you to your car. You offer him a ride but he brought his motorcycle to work.

that’s hot, you think

You say your goodbyes but he only takes a few steps before he returns to your car and asks for your number

You blush because he’s looking at you with his intense eyes but give it to him

He smiles in a way you just know he’s going to call that night

He doesn’t really care you’re older, in fact he’s mesmerized every time you go out on dates

He likes having someone older that can help keep him grounded, but also someone he can spoil like a princess, so you two perfectly fit

Yoosung is 21, MC is 31

Your thesis advisor for your master’s degree is Yoosung’s favourite teacher

So, once you enter his classroom and listen to the class, Yoosung doesn’t take his eyes off you the entire time

the. entire. class.

He finds you way too pretty and wonders if you’re an exchange student, because he’s never seen you around before.

When the class if over, you head to the desk to talk to the teacher and Yoosung does too. Dr. Van Dyck, the teacher, is the one to introduce you both.

Your thesis is about vet majors and stress levels, so the teacher suggests Yoosung helps you with it, since you’re going to have to interview as much vet majors as you can

“Let me give you my number, we can meet at a café to let you know how you can help me” you say and his mind goes blank, because did you just say you were going to give him your number?

Eventually, those coffee meetings stop being about your thesis, you end up just talking about yourselves, your lives, etc.

The first time he kisses you is at a bus stop, after one of your coffee meetings. You smile wide after kissing him back. He’s a blubbering mess still pretty nervous about everything so you kiss him again. And again. And again.

Jaehee is 26, MC is 36

You recently started working at the Finances area of C&R. After your first meeting with Jumin, you leave the office and take deep breathes, calming yourself. You see Jaehee sitting and her desk and walks towards her.

“I’m sorry but what the fuck is wrong with your boss”

jaehee’s already in love

You see each other a lot after that, at the cafeteria, on the elevator, by the hallway. You wave at each other and smile.

Dissing Jumin together is your favourite hobby

It all starts when you get the elevator together

“Hey, so, I’m tired of running into you ‘accidentally on purpose’. How about we go out for coffee or something?”

Jaehee’s surprised, but very pleased

“You don’t care I’m a little bit older than you?” “Now, why would I? I’m learning so much”

A few years go by, you help her open her own coffee place.

Not that she needed help, Jaehee’s a fucking rockstar

That’s why you love her so much

Jumin is 27, MC is 37

The first word that comes to his mind when he sees you for the first time is “lady”

He’s astounded you haven’t been married

Because, how?

At one point, he thinks tou have an awful habit or are a murderer

But time goes by and you’re just perfect to his eyes

So, he comes to the conclusion you’ve only met idiots

You are mature, you have wisdom and even though you like to joke around sometimes, it’s always in a refined way

He loves drinking wine with you and taking you to C&R events, because you look sophisticated and hot when you dress elegant

Doesn’t really care about the age difference, he’s always been quite mature for his age, so you fit perfectly together

He’s definitely putting a ringer on your finger soon

Saeyoung is 22, MC is 32

You just got out of a long relationship of five years. You had wedding plans that went south when you discovered they were cheating on you

scumbag

Going out dating after such a long time it’s weird for you and you don’t know where to start

But he makes it so fucking easy

He jokes a lot and is always in a hyper state

You’re attracted from the first time you see him, he’s a bubble of energy, hot and has a precious smile

You doubt a little bit about starting a relationship. Yes, he’s fun to be around and really intelligent, but you wonder whether he’s ready for a serious relationship

After all, you remember the people you used to date when you were 22, they just wanted something light and fun

But as time goes by, he tells you about his past and you realize he may be young but has the experience and emotional maturity of an older person

He really gets your emotional problems, even if he can’t always help

Sometimes he doesn’t let you help and closes off

But he’s willing to try and make it better and it’s all that matters

One step at a time. You have all the time in the world for him.

[catchester]

12 Days of Christmas

Title: Twelve Drummers Drumming

Authors: @evieplease​​​​ and @catchester​​​​

Which character: Actor!Tom and OFC Rocky

Genre: Humour/Explicit

Fic Summary: Tom and Rocky spend their first Christmas as a couple and Rocky meets Tom’s Mum for the first time. Expect 12 gifts, too much boozy, bad puns and lots of fun!

Rating: Mature

Previous Chapters: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17138390/chapters/40304798

AN: Well, we just scraped it in on the 12 night (as long as you don't live in the UK) and we have a special little epilogue planned, which we hope to bring you tomorrow. 

Also, sorry for not tagging directly, but tagging seems to work much better for @evieplease​ than  for me.

12 Drummers Drumming

When I told Tom to bring his guitar he knew I had something musical planned but I could see him becoming confused when the cab drove us away from the centre and towards Croydon. He held his tongue until we parked in a very nice new development of town houses and flats. 

“Okay,” he said, looking around as he retrieved the guitar case from the boot while I paid. “I give up, why are we here?” 

I just smiled and took his arm, tamping down my own nervousness, leading him to one of the new townhouses and ringing the bell. It was opened a moment later by slim, sandy blonde man in a black t-shirt and faded blue jeans. 

“Rox!” he said with an enthusiastic smile, leaning forward for a cheek kiss. I never liked that nickname, but he was family so he got a pass . . . sometimes. And since he and Dave had allowed me to hijack their evening at the last minute, he definitely gets a pass tonight. Though I did wince at the name.

I turned to Tom, just in time to catch his smirk. I knew he was filing ‘Rox’ away in that prodigious brain to use in some future nefarious plan. I would, if the situation were reversed, after all! I warningly narrowed my eyes at him, and his smirk grew wider. He knew I couldn’t do fuck all about it at the moment.

I dragged myself back into the moment. I do want him to like my family, and my family to like him. Right, so.

“Tom, this is Ryan, my brother-in-law.” 

Tom had to switch his guitar to shake hands but he professed he was pleased to meet him. He even managed a warm smile for Ryan, while shooting me a glare that promised retribution for not warning him that he was about to meet my family.

Ryan shook Tom’s hand and then froze, giving me wild eyed look as he twigged to Tom.

“Oh, Rocky you’ve outdone yourself! Dave is absolutely going to shit! I can’t believe you brought Loki home! No wait. Yes I can.” Dave shook his head and grinned at Tom. “Come on in, Tom, you’re just in time for the fireworks!” 

Ryan offered to take our coats and Tom’s guitar. 

“What can I get you to drink?” Ryan asked Tom, then listed off the wines they had available. 

“Whatever’s open is fine,” Tom smiled, as we seated ourselves on the sofa and Ryan headed off into the kitchen. Tom grabbed my elbow and hissed in my ear as soon as Ryan was out of the room..

“You didn’t tell your family anything about me?? Rocky...” 

“Sure I did, Tom! I told ‘em that you’re wonderful and kind and fun. You make me laugh  and you like me. What else do they need to know?”

Tom’s eyes softened. “Rocky, you…”  he shook his head, apparently speechless. But I knew better. I was sure to hear about it later.

I flashed him a cheeky smile as we sat down. “I just thought it was probably best not to give you time to get drunk before meeting my family,” I teased. 

The glare he levelled at me was slightly spoiled by the smile he couldn't quite repress. 

“You’re here!”

We looked to the doorway where my clone stood, assuming I was 6 inches taller and 60lbs heavier. He also had short hair but the family resemblance was uncanny. 

“You must be Dave,” Tom said, rising from the sofa to greet him. 

“I am indeed,” Dave grinned, shaking Tom’s hand genially. “And I’ve heard an awful lot about you. All good, of course.” 

Tom turned and gave us both some serious side eye, looking back and forth. 

“Have you met your sister?” he asked Dave.

Ryan clapped a hand over his mouth and did his best to stifle a giggle and letting out a small snort over madly twinkling eyes, while Dave laughed ruefully.

“Too true, but ‘All I know is that you have dodgy plumbing and work away sometimes’ doesn't really sound very polite.” 

I stood to reach up and kiss Dave hello. “And that’s why you haven't met my family yet, Tom,” I glanced at him and teased. “Let me just apologise in advance for my brother.”

“Right,” Ryan said as he returned with three glasses of red wine and a bottle of beer for me. He’d been a bartender in college so he could juggle far more beverage than the average Joe. “Can’t you lot stop sniping at each other for just one night?” he teased us.  

“Oh please,” I smiled. “You give as good as you get.” I’d always liked Ryan. 

“Yes, but I find it’s best to break new people in gently.” He tilted his head at Tom in a ‘sorry, mate’ eye roll.

“Oh, don’t worry about Tom.” I waved an airy hand. “He’s so broken in I’ve ridden him hard and put him away wet many times now.”

Ryan nearly choked on his wine and Tom couldn't stifle his laugh. 

“She speaks the truth,” Tom agreed. “Although she could learn a little tact.” 

“That’s what I keep you around for,” I explained. 

“Well, don’t stand on ceremony,” Ryan gestured to the sofa behind us and as we sat down I heard a small ‘ding’ emanating from the kitchen. 

“I’m up, I’ll go,” Dave offered since Ryan had taken a seat too. 

“I knew I could smell something delicious,” I said as Dave went into the kitchen to serve the nibbles. “Ryan’s a caterer,” I told Tom. “A very good one too.” He’d catered a few prestigious events so he was used to acting naturally around famous faces, although his events tended to be business and politics more than theatrical, but he’s told us all about meeting Stephen Fry at one of his events. 

“I can’t believe he hasn’t noticed yet,” Ryan whispered. 

“I know!” I whispered back. He’d understand once we took him upstairs. 

Tom looked slightly nonplussed by the conversation but he turned to Ryan with a friendly smile and asked, “What are we having?” 

“Well given what Rocky said about tonight, we’re just having a series of finger foods, starting with mini kebabs marinated in satay and hoi sin sauce. The satay is a teeny bit hot but nothing most people can’t handle.”

“Is it just us?” he asked.

“While introducing you to my family really should be a one at a time thing to avoid premature ageing, Dad and Paul are still in Florida.

“Well they may have sun, but we have hors d'oeuvres.” Dave returned with a serving plate of mini kebabs, two small pots of extra sauce in the middle. He put them on the coffee table then sat on the sofa opposite us, next to Ryan. 

“Rocky tells me you work in Finance?” Tom said to Dave as he helped himself to a kebab. 

I jumped in. “Dear god, Tom, don’t get him started, we’ll be hip deep in spreadsheets!”

“It’s a little more sophisticated than that,” Dave rolled his eyes. 

“What Dave, I keep telling you that one and one are two. Two and two are four. It’s not hard.” I teased him, tipping my glass at him.

Dave grinned back. “Bet you can’t tell me the square root of three, though!”

I opened my mouth and shut it. I had no idea. Dave took a sip of his wine and managed to look like the cat who got the cream.

Ryan laughed. “Do you want to tell her, or shall I?” 

Dave toasted Ryan and snickered. “Be my guest.”

Ryan put a consoling arm around me. “Darling. Three is a square root,” he said gently.

“Well, shit.” The two men chuckled at me, but Tom winced. I knew he didn’t know, either. I flopped back on the sofa and scowled at my smartypants brother. For some reason Dave got all the maths in the family. Dad was right annoyed when he went into banking, instead of staying home and doing the books for the family plumbing business. But really, Dad’s very proud of Dave. And so am I, come to that.

“So, what’s the plan for tonight?” Tom tried being more direct this time as he reached for another kebab and offered me the plate. 

Those things were moreish and I was tempted to hold onto the plate and finished off the remains. Good manners won out however and I returned them to the coffee table. 

“She didn't tell you?” Dave asked playfully. 

“No, she didn't,” Tom levelled a narrow eyed glare at me. “Secrets abound tonight, it seems.”

It was time to put him out of his misery. 

“It just so happens that although he wears a suit and tie, and has the world’s most boring job, in his spare time, my brother here happens to be a world-class drummer.”

“Hardly,” Dave blushed. “But I enjoy it.” 

“Don’t listen to him. He’s good. Really good, and I have the scars to prove it!”

“I can’t see any scars!”

“They’re all mental, dear brother.” I smiled sweetly and took a sip of my wine.

Ryan choked a bit. “Shall we get on then?” 

“I thought you two could have a little jam session,” I told Tom. 

“While Rocky and I will gaze on adoringly,” Ryan added, batting his eyelashes only slightly sarcastically. 

“Oh no,” Dave shook his head. “If I have to play, you two have to sing.” 

“I’m game,” I grinned. “Besides, we’re running low of kebabs,” I said as I popped the last one in my mouth.

“So,” Tom cleared his throat, “When do we start?” he said in his Loki voice, doing his best to suppress a smirk.

“All right,” Ryan stood up. “Let’s do this!” 

Tom picked up his guitar from the hall and we all trooped upstairs. The Marvel posters lining the stairway and the upper landing didn't escape his notice and I could see the penny drop with regard to why Ryan as surprised Dave hadn’t recognised Tom. 

“Who’s the Marvel fan?” Tom asked. 

“That’d be me,” Dave answered. “Do you like the MCU too?”

“Well, I suppose you could say that, yes.” Tom blushed slightly but I don't think the boys noticed.

“I’ve got a collection of awesome memorabilia in the bedroom. I’ll show you once we’re done here, if you’re interested.”

“Are you indecently propositioning my boyfriend?” I asked innocently. 

“No, but I do have a new life size cutout of Captain America that might tempt him away from you,” Dave fired back with a smirk. 

Tom snickered. “I’m fairly sure that Rocky looks better in tights, mate! ” 

“I can feel the righteousness surging! Let’s hear it for truth, justice, and the American way!” I did my best Loki impression, which was shite, but when I tried to walk backwards at the same time and nearly fell on my arse it got a laugh.

Tom lept forward and caught me. “Darling, that was pitiful! Are you sure you want to talk about our kinky bedroom habits in front of your brother,” Tom teased as we were guided into the music room. 

“Our kinky habits?!” I tried to sound outraged.

Ryan laughed out loud. Dave narrowed his eyes..

“Wait, there’s an American Way?” He glared at Tom. “Just what the hell are you doing to my sister, mate??”

I clapped a hand over Tom’s mouth just as he opened it to tell Dave. “Now Tom, there’s no need to tell my brother just what you get up to in Captain America’s tights!”

Ryan held up a hand. “Right! That’s enough out of all of you! You’ll be giving Dave nightmares, and I need my beauty sleep!”

Tom didn’t let it go, though. He bent down and purred in my ear so just I could hear. “Don’t worry, darling, you will kneel for me later.”

Fuck me! My knees wobbled.

He, of course wandered off into the room without a care in the world leaving me feeling all hot and bothered on my brothers landing. 

Bastard. 

The largest bedroom had been turned into the music room and the walls were covered with some sort of soundproof foam. A large drum set took up about a third of the room, but there was also a keyboard against one wall, and a guitar propped up against it.  

There were also two small sofas and a couple of stools, so obviously jamming sessions weren’t unheard of. 

Tom looked around. “This is great, man!”

Ryan nodded. “Dave needed the space for his gear, so we use one of the smaller rooms for our bedroom. 

“It’s a terrific set up!” Tom enthused. “Do you play the piano and guitar too?” Tom asked as he pulled his guitar out of its case and began to tune it. 

“The guitar is mine,” Ryan admitted with a grimace. “I haven't been playing long, though.”

“The keyboard is something I keep meaning to learn,” Dave added. “Trouble is, the drums are just such good stress relief.” 

“We’ve pretty much decided we’ll have to adopt some kids and fill out our band with them,” Ryan teased. 

“The Osmond’s mark two,” I quipped. 

“The family that plays together stays together,” Dave shot back, while Ryan clutched his head.

“Oh god no! Not the bloody Osmonds! 

We all laughed. 

“Go on then,” I gestured for Dave to play his drums as I took a seat on one of the couches. “I promised Tom drums, after all.”

“But what about the other eleven drummers?”

“Sorry. This is the discount 12th day. All the other drummers were sold out. All you get is Dave. But he can play Wipeout like he has twelve pairs of arms!”

“All right Oh, thanks very much, sister dear! No pressure there!” He sat behind his drum kit and looked surprisingly nervous. A few deep breaths, however, and he launched into the familiar opening bars of Wipeout. His hands and feet moved with a furious pace and at the correct time, Ryan jumped up and grabbed my hands and we both launched into a gyrating dance and sang along, sort of na-na-na-ing the missing electric guitar accompaniment. Tom joined in after a minute, riffing on his acoustic guitar. Who didn't know Wipeout? 

At the end we all fell back, laughing and clapping.  Tom got up and offered his hand for Dave to shake. 

“I’ve got to say, I’m impressed.” He said that last in his slightly deeper Loki voice, but Dave was too busy blushing to notice. 

“Thanks.” Dave had turned a bit pink around the ears. “It’s one of my favourites, so I’m very practised at it.” 

“Very,” I agreed dryly. 

Dave chuckled. “When  we were kids I went a bit overboard one summer, obsessed with getting it right. One day Rocky got so fed up at hearing the same tune over and over she stormed into the garage and swore that if I ever played Wipeout again, she would get a gun and stab me to death.”

That story was one of the family staples now, Dave’ll be telling his grandkids one day about crazy, homicidal Aunt Rocky, no doubt!

“I’m not very coherent when I’m angry,” I shrugged. “And while we’re on embarrassing musical stories, I seem to recall you having a thing for Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror, only you kept singing, ‘and no moustache could have been any clearer’.”

Dave blushed again. “Oh please, I was only about 12 or something.”

“Yeah? I was 12 when you were driving me mad over wipeout, and you’re still telling the story!

Tom smiled and doing his Michael Jackson impression, carried the song on. “If you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make that... shave.”

We all laughed. 

“Excuse me a second,” Ryan left the room.

“If you want to talk misheard lyrics, you can’t beat our dad,” I smiled at the memory. “You know that Abba song, Chiquitita? He always used to sing Chicken Tikka. ‘Chicken Tikka, tell me the truth’.” I sang. 

“Our brother, Paul, has the best one of all time though,” Dave explained. “Everyone knows Bohemian Rhapsody but when Paul was about seven or eight, he kept singing, “Beelzebub has the devil for a sideboard.” 

“Did you correct him?” Tom asked me. 

“I was too young to, I didn’t know,” I explained. “And I think Dave enjoyed the fact he got it wrong.” I slanted a look at Dave. “In fact, I think Dave used to feed him wrong lyrics all the time. Remember ‘Scare a moose, scare a moose’?” I grinned.

“Bastard’s good at everything, I can’t enjoy the fact he fucks up such a well known song?” Dave growled. “I think he figured it out in his teens. I remember him being moody as fuck one day because his friends made fun of him for it. Now he knows better, but he does it just to annoy me.”

Ryan returned with a tray containing a selection of crispbread with various toppings, plus a pitcher of margaritas and 4 glasses. “Got to keep our strength up.”

“And our dutch courage,” I added. 

“Absolutely! Citrus is good for the vocal cords, as well!” He grinned as he handed me a glass. “Right, what’s next?”

“Let’s do something we can all join in on,” Dave suggested. “Anyone know any Queen?” 

“Not well enough to play without sheet music,” Tom admitted. “Unless, maybe Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” 

“I love that one! It’s a great dance tune! What about it Ryan? I’ll take the low parts if you’ll take the high ones!” 

“Deal!” 

Mounted on the wall over the keyboard was a huge flat screen TV because Dave limed to practice with some musical accompaniment sometimes, and Ryan liked watching Youtube guitar tutorials. Oh, the things you can afford when you’re a DINK. For the uninitiated, that’s Double Income No Kids household, and Dave does not like being called that, but that’s mainly because he think’s the word dinky doesn't reflect well on his manhood. So of course I use it whenever I can.

Ryan turned the telly on and spoke his google search into the remote. They’re gadget freaks too. Just about every room has an Alexa. It wouldn't surprise me if she was even wired into some of their sex toys! EWW! No, no, nasty stray thought! Back to lyrics. 

Even with the lyrics on screen, we still got some parts wrong because we were too busy trying to dance while seated and just generally hamming it up. 

“I hear Adam Lambert might leave Queen and try going solo again. You should audition,” I teased Ryan. 

He clasped his heart and uttered a gasp that would rival any of Ru Paul’s drag queens. 

“Sacrilege!” he pointed at me. “Get this blasphemer out of my house this instant! Away, demon! By the power of Gay I command you, leave this place!” 

We all laughed. His views on replacing Freddie Mercury were about on par with mine, only I wasn't quite so theatrical about it. 

When we finally stopped laughing we continued disavowing any new iterations of Queen for a minute or two, then we discussed songs again. 

“Hotel California,” I suggested, “Everyone knows that.” 

“Not known for it’s drum solos, though,” Tom reminded me. “But if it’s for everyone,” he turned to Ryan. “Don’t tell me you haven't learned to play Hey Jude yet?” 

“Well, it is one they usually teach beginners,” Ryan admitted. 

“That’s a yes,” Dave explained. “Come on, if I have to perform, so do you.” 

Tom handed Ryan his guitar and approached the keyboard. 

“All right, I can take a hint.” 

“How do you turn this thing on?” Tom asked, examining the keyboard.

“Need to turn it on at the plug.” Dave did it for him. 

“My saviour is here,” Tom teased and Dave smiled. He got the marvel quote, he just hadn't had the second realisation yet.

Tom sat down and played a chord, which sounded like a church organ. He switched it to piano and tried again. 

“There we go,” he smiled. 

“Is this a Gibson?” Ryan asked, examining Tom’s guitar. 

“It is,” Tom confirmed. “Beautiful instrument, you’ll love it.”

Ryan looked a little green around the gills and swallowed, probably understanding its worth. He slipped the strap around his neck despite already sitting down.

It had left me breathless for a moment when I realised how haphazardly I’d been slinging around a £2,000 guitar, but it had survived my laissez faire treatment, so I was fairly confident of its ability to survive Ryan’s playing. 

Tom  and Ryan played around for a few moments, familiarising themselves with their instruments. “Ready?” I asked when they quietened. 

They nodded and I counted to four then began. We’d sung this fairly often as kids. Dad had an accordion and Hey Jude was one of his favourites, so I was fairly confident the words would come back to me. If not, I didn't expect to be the only one singing, someone else would pick up my slack. 

There’s something about hey Jude, it just sort of unites people, like a world war two knees-up around the piano or something, except a totally different style. 

Usually I thought the na na na nas went on a bit long for my tastes but I’d have been happy carrying on longer tonight. The final note held for four beats, then we all clapped. 

“That was brilliant!” Ryan gushed. 

“It was! We should form a cover band! We could call it Duvet!”

“Dung Beatles more like,” I joked.

“Scarabs, if you don’t mind, Tom said loftily. 

“Oh we’re in treble now, boys!”

“Speaking of the Osmonds, and given geek boy here’s comic book addiction, we could be The Ozymandias… ians?” 

“Not the snappiest name,” Ryan laughed. 

I took a sip of my drink and helped myself to one of the last crispbreads. 

The evening continued in a similar vein with Ryan regularly bringing fresh treats and drinks to keep us nourished and hydrated. 

We played, drank, ate and sang for a good couple of hours. 

Tom dropped a few more Loki hints but it seemed my brother was determined to remain  as dense as Thor [Love it!]. Then Tom suggested Immigrant Song. It actually sounds really good on  an acoustic guitar and Dave  was able to provide drum backup, but I have no idea if he was true to the original or not. 

Tom handled most of the lyrics but Ryan and I join in on the bits we knew—basically the ah-aah-aaaah-ah bits. Turns out Ryan can get that bit really high when you pinch him at just the right moment! When the song finished We were all smiling. 

“I’d never really paid much attention to the lyrics before, but that stuff about hammer of the gods and what not, I can see why they used it for Ragnarok.”

And then I could literally see the penny drop as I watched the colour drain from Dave’s face. It was enough to gladden a sister’s heart!

“Wait, you— You’re not—? Holy fuck, you are!” 

We all cracked up laughing, Ryan even clapped. 

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” Dave rushed on. “It’s  just with the ginger and the glasses and the tan you’re so. . . and with the black and pale skin he’s so. . .”

Poor Dave. I was going to pay for not warning him earlier but it’s a sister’s job to torture their siblings. And honestly, I really did think he’d recognise Tom instantly. He even had a Loki action figure for Christ’s sake! 

“Sorry, mate. It’s all Rocky’s fault, you know” Tom ticked his chin at me.

I clutched my chest dramatically. “Under the bus! I can’t believe you pushed me under the bus, Tom!”

“Yes, well, I needed company under here, didn’t I?”

Ryan turned to Dave and slipped an arm around his waist. “They’re well matched, don’t you think?” They both turned to look at us. I stuck my tongue out at them.

Dave snorted, looking at Tom with pity and shaking his head. “Poor sod.”

Tom wrapped his arms around me from behind. “I know. But I like a challenge…”

I rubbed my arse against Tom and reached back to pat his bum. “It’s alright. He’s well up to the job!”

Dave groaned. “I’m going to need brain bleach after this night,” he muttered.

“Why don’t you play us some Hank Williams,” I suggested, to give Dave a chance to recover a bit. 

Tom played Move it on Over which we didn't know but on the choruses we could just echo him and be his backup singers. Everyone knows Hey, Good Lookin’, of course, and then he sang Your Cheatin’ Heart, which we knew from Patsy Cline (our dad was a fan) but the words were the same so we joined in. Dave had even recovered enough by then to back him up on the drums.

After that Ryan and I managed to do Chasing Cars together. He’d been teaching himself the tune and I’d been obsessed with that song it first came out. Then Tom and Dave were forced by popular demand to play In the Air Tonight, and Dave made the most of his drum solo, expanding it. 

“Couple of kids I went to school with had that song as their first dance at their wedding,” I laughed as I clapped. “I sat there trying not to giggle as they gazed into each other’s eyes while Phil sang, well if you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand.”

“Okay,” Dave held up his hand. “Worst first song to play at a wedding, winner gets the first serving of Ryan’s sinful sticky toffee pudding. Go!” he pointed at Tom. 

“Uh . . . U2, I Still Haven't Found What I’m Looking For.”

His suggestion was greeted with a mixture of laughter and wincing ‘Ooh!’s

“Rox,” Dave pointed at me. “And no, you can’t say Phil Collins!”

“Ummmm . . . My Chemical Romance, I Don’t Love You Like I Did Yesterday!”

“Ryan.”

“Don’t Marry her, Have Me, by The Beautiful South.”

“You turn,” I told Dave. 

“Lady Gaga, Bad Romance.” 

Then the suggestions were just flying and I could hardly keep up with who was suggesting what.

Tainted Love by Soft Cell, D.I.V.O.R.C.E. by Tammy Wynette, The Human League’s Don’t You Want Me Baby... Jar of Hearts... What’s Love Got to Do With It?... You Give Love a Bad Name

 You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling... Another One Bites the Dust... Highway to Hell... I’m All Out of Love, anything by Adele, You’re So Vain… You Can’t Always Get What You Want... I Will Survive... Gold Digger by Kanye, 

“No, I’ve got it,” Tom cut in. “Engelbert Humperdinck and Please Release Me, Let Me Go.”

“Step back!” Dave said. 

“We have a winner!” Ryan finished for him. Everyone clapped and cheered.

We adjourned back to the living room for dessert, Dave and Ryan going off hand in hand to the kitchen to fetch it. They’ve been together for about five years now, and it’s good to see they’re still just as lovey and gooey as they always were.

Tom pulled me down onto his lap on the sofa, making me giggle and squirm just as the boys returned with the sticky toffee.

Ryan handed me a double sized portion on a single plate, and went to sit on Dave's lap with theirs.

Tom moaned out loud when I fed him a spoonful, and everybody cracked up. Except Tom, who was too busy having a food orgasm.

“That’s brilliant stuff, Ryan! Can I have the recipe?” I nodded my head frantically, my mouth too stuffed with deliciousness to speak.

Ryan chuckled as he fed another spoonful to Dave and listened to his own moan of appreciation. 

“Nope. You’ll have to come back if you want more!”

Dave chimed in. “Oh yes, please do Tom! You can even bring my sister with you, if you must!” He leaned in confidentially, “Ryan only makes it for company, you see. It’s the only time I get it!”

Ryan rolled his eyes at Dave and turned his attention back to Tom. “But I’ll send the rest home with you, if you like.”

Tom popped the last bite into my mouth and shoved me off his lap, standing abruptly. “It must be getting awfully late! Don’t you think so, Rocky?” He stretched and yawned ostentatiously.

“Oh, um...yes.” I looked at my bare wrist. “Will you look at the time! I’ll just go get the rest and we’ll be off, shall we?”

Ryan laughed and shook his finger at us. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re planning on doing with my sticky toffee, you naughty things! Tell you what, I’ll even give you an extra pot,” he winked.

Dave thumped his head on Ryan's shoulder. “Ryannn,” he whined, “that’s my sister!”

Ryan turned his head and dropped a kiss on Dave’s head. “Oh like you aren’t planning something naughty for the extra piece I kept!”

Dave leapt up. “Here, let me help you with your coats! So sorry you can’t stay longer!”

Despite being hustled out we had hugs and kisses all around, and plenty of laughter.

“I like your brother. Ryan too. They’re nice chaps.” Tom said later as he was hanging my coat at his front door.

“Yeah Dave’s not bad. He got bloody lucky with Ryan, and he knows it too. Now, where’s that pudding? I have things to do with it!”

The smile on Tom’s face broadened into a leer. “Do you?”

“Yep. I have to give my boyfriend his just desserts for being such a good sport tonight.” I reached for the carrier that Ryan had given us, but Tom lifted it high over my head teasingly. 

I narrowed my eyes at the bag. Nah. Too high. Well, if Mohammed can’t get to the mountain, the mountain will have to come to Mohammed! 

“I’m not jumping for it!” I stamped my foot.

“But darling, it does such charming things to your...charms when you jump!”

I took a couple of steps back, and started to peel my jumper off. “Oh, I think my charms are fine just the way they are.” I reached back to undo my bra strap and the rustle of the bag hitting the floor signalled my victory. Darting under Tom’s arm as he lunged, I swiped my prize and scrambled for the sofa, holding the bag behind my back.

“To the victor go the spoils,” I grinned. 

“Too right,” Tom smiled. “Looks like I win either way…”

I glanced down at the girls. My bra had slipped down under one boob and the shoulder straps had come down to bind my elbows. Well, damn.

Tom strolled in front of me, reaching a finger out to push my bra the last bit off my other boob. I could have easily struggled out of my bra, but Tom looked so happy, what the hell.

Still being in possession of the bag, I raised my head defiantly. “You want my pudding?” I asked.

“Darling, I would love your pudding. Name your price?”

“Hmm,” I pretended to think aloud. “Nice newish car on the driveway… Decent bank balance… Lots of designer gear… Hmm… I want…” I drew it out. Maybe there was a little bit of drama queen in me. “... A kiss.”

“One kiss?” he clarified and I nodded. “One single, solitary kiss?” I nodded again. “That sounds easy enough, deal.”

“Oh, I may have forgotten to, mention, this kiss has to make my toes curl and forget my own name.”

“Is that all?” he smirked. “I think I can oblige.” 

Tom knelt on the floor, carefully taking the bag from my hand and setting it on the side table. He lifted his warm hands to cup my boobs, and I'm honestly not sure who moaned. His hands slid smoothly down my ribs to the waistband of my jeans and deftly undid them, pushing them down and helping me step out.

He nuzzled at the junction of my thighs and made a deep humming sound. Abruptly he stood and slung me over his shoulder. I shrieked as he grabbed the dessert bag and strode off to the kitchen.

He set me down on the edge of the table and opened the bag. “Now, let’s see what we can do with this…”

I opened my mouth to tell him just what he could do with it, but he beat me to it, sliding a finger full into my mouth and following it with his tongue. This time we both definitely moaned. God, the silky toffee flavours, combined with Tom’s tongue? Nirvana!

We giggled and fought a bit over the morsel, Tom trying to steal it back, but he conceded it at last and he let me swallow.

Putting a hand between my breasts he pushed me slowly back to lie on the table. I blinked up at him, still trussed helplessly in my bra, and licked my lips.

“Now I have you just where I want you, my pretty!”

I rather thought that I had him just where I wanted him! The bag rustled and he was dripping caramel sauce over my boobs with a maniacal grin. God, it’s cold! I shivered.

“Thank Christ he didn't make rice pudding!” I joked as Tom drizzled more toffee sauce over my nipple. 

“But baked Alaska might have been fun!” Tom suggested.

“Thanks, we’ve done that—” My words cut off as Tom’s hot mouth wrapped around my nipple, sucking the sauce off and leaving me nearly dizzy with want.

Tom stood back to admire the artistic swirl of sauce he’d left on my body, and fortunately for him, to take his clothes off. I growled at him for taking so long and opened my mouth to scold him, but he popped another bite of the sticky stuff into my mouth.

“Hush now, Rocky! None of your lip, I’m busy!”

He planted a large hand on my torso and began to very delicately lick up all the sweetness from my body. Oh god, he was driving me mad.

Heat was flowing through my body, making me squirm and I felt Tom’s chuckle vibrating on my skin. When he lifted my hips and took a long lick and swirl around my clit I nearly came off the table.

Then Tom was pushing into me at last, leaning over me to kiss me as he thrust into me, rocking us both on the table. I could feel the coil inside me tightening and tightening, Tom’s breath harsh in my ear. 

“Fuck, Rocky!” Tom’s burning eyes stared into mine and I couldn’t look away. His hand went between us, and at the first press of his fingers I exploded with a scream. Tom shouted along with me and I felt the hot wash of his release, both of us still grinding into each other the last little bit of pleasure.

“Oh,” I sighed, getting my breath back. “Thanks for pudding up with me.”

Tom chuckled at the awful pun. “I think you’re flan-tastic, Rocky.”

I groaned. “You know what this means,” I said with gravity. 

“What?”

“We need a bath now.”

“But you’re  cleaning the table!” 

[maydaymemer]

Steam vs. Sledgehammer

Yep it’s time to review two songs in one. My favourite song ever: Steam (yes, Steam), as well as one of the iconic songs of the ‘80s: Sledgehammer. Both by Peter Gabriel, both heavily influenced by funk and both with music videos directed by the late Stephen R. Johnson.

Sledgehammer needs no introduction for anyone over 40, which means it does need an introduction here. The song is the lead single from Peter Gabriel’s 1986 pop opus “So”, and is his only American #1 (it only got to #4 in the UK, which makes me more ashamed to be from here than ever). It’s known for its pioneering stop-motion animated music video which is still well regarded today, heck it kickstarted Aardman’s career before they made Wallace and Gromit. The song is a loving tribute to Gabriel’s favourite funk and Motown songs he listened to in his youth, there’s even a funny anecodote a read about Gabriel in his early days going to a soul cafe or something and being the only white guy there. To be a fly on the wall on that day. Methinks he was there to pick up chicks, not just listen to the music, which only makes me love the guy even more to be honest.

Steam on the other hand I don’t think anyone who isn’t a Gabriel fan remembers. Sure, when it was released in 1992 it was a hit but was generally seen as a Sledgehammer II: Sledge Harder, and didn’t set anyone’s world alight. Plus, people weren’t listening to Peter Gabriel in ‘92, they were bumping Nirvana and Tupac. On the bright side we did get a fucking insane music video which I love showing to people to get a reaction out of them.

One of them highly acclaimed and the other mostly maligned, but both are typically overshadowed by their music videos. I’m here to dig into what makes both these songs great, and why they’re both intelligent, finely crafted pop songs. I’m also going to note the similarities between the two, and why I think Steam was a more than worthy follow up.

Let’s get down to the start of both songs. Sledgehammer begins with a synthesised flute that goes on for about 15 seconds, before launching into an opening tune that knocks you right off your seat like, well a sledgehammer. This sets up an appropriate atmosphere for a song that combines the clever soul with the sexy sounds of the ‘80s to create a song that transcends past dated into just a banging tune that holds up today. The song has an excellent bassline and feels simply big. Then we get Gabriel coming in with a prolonged “Heeeeeeey” followed up with a more muffled “tell me how have you been?” to take us into the first verse. The song sets a mood and it sets it well, this is bouncy and fun Peter Gabriel, not weird psycho Peter Gabriel (which is pretty much his default).

Steam, on the other hand, doesn’t introduce itself. The song just abruptly bursts into your door after a short bassline with the distinct drum and bassline with all sorts of sounds flung at you. Horns, electric guitar, you name it. Gabriel yells “Stand back! Stand back!” And you almost think “yeah maybe I should I shouldn’t really argue with Peter Gabriel”, especially in the video where he’s wearing a pimp suit to accompany this. He continues, shouting “what are these dogs doing sniffing at my feet? / They’re onto something picking up / picking up / this heat”. I still have no idea what this intro means, but then we transition into the abolsutely magnificent instrumented chorus as Peter sings “Give me Steam / and how you feel can make it real / real as anything you’ve seen / get a life / with the dreamer’s dream”. I’ve heard reviewers call this song overproduced, and I would agree the song is very maximal in terms of production, but I wouldn’t remove one instrument. The song’s various mood changes from chorus to verse to pre-and-post choruses take me where the song wants me to go emotionally every time. I find the “Give me Steam” part specifically to be rather exciting and really impressed me the first time I listened to this song, last year I believe, and it still impresses me now.

This is where we take a look at the verse structure of both songs, which are pretty much the same not just within the songs but between them. The first verses of both set up two metaphors:

“You could have a steam train / if you just lay down your tracks

You could have an aeroplane flying / if you bring your blue sky back” - From Sledgehammer

“You know your culture from your trash

You know your plastic from your cash” - From Steam

Peter then connects these to the message of the song at the end of the verse:

“All you do is call me

I’ll be anything you need” - Sledge

“Whenever heavens doors are shut / you get* them open but / I know you” - Steam (alright I’m cheating here, that’s three metaphors, but this illustrates my point better)

So as you can see this is where the two songs split off. Sure both include Peter’s patented silly sex puns, a Sledgehammer is long and hard while Steam is hot and wet, but the meanings of each song is different.

For Sledgehammer the song is about how sex can be used to communicate and brighten up the mood of someone where words simply can’t help. The philosophy of the song is that sometimes you just need some fuck. I imagine a narrative where maybe Peter and this lady friend he’s talking to through the song have just broken off some long term relationship, and they’re very good friends so they spend some time together playing with her bumper cars and his big dipper to take their minds off it. The song isn’t really about love, it’s about having fun, but as I illustrated with my interpretation it’s not about sex with someone you don’t love it’s about sex with someone you’re not IN love with. So kind of a FWB/rebound kind of thing, though not a romcom version where they get together in the third act. It’s a very different approach to an ‘Intercourse with You’ song and told in a very fun way. The song has a bounce to it and a sort of mature naivety, Peter comes across as genuinely joyful to the woman he’s narrating too, they aren’t using eachother but they’re not in a serious relationship either. Good stuff, Pete.

Steam on the other hand is about the relationship, it’s about that spark and connection with someone. Specifically it’s about a relationship where the woman is cultured, sophisticated and generally a classy lady but Peter isn’t. He’s talking himself down, except for one subject: when it comes to the lady, he knows her better than she does and that’s the most important thing of all. Maybe he knows how to please her, maybe he knows her deepest depths, maybe it’s both but the songwriting illustrates that Peter is just in awe of this woman and she might not be in awe of herself just yet. I always interpreted this as Peter writing about a relationship between classes, but in a smarter way than say Billy Joel. Peter grew up middle class but in this song it’s like he’s putting himself in the shoes of a working class guy who’s in a relationship with someone who should be out of his league, but perhaps because of those virtues have led to him knowing how to socialise he can get the depths of her heart better jan a thousand potential rich suitors and their relationship just works. I’m being a bit old school with the picture I’m painting but a genuinely smart way of basically writing Opposites Attract but without the cartoon cat (instead we get a CGI Peter Gabriel Chair, perhaps that’s not the best trade off). That’s why I love it so much, it writes a geniunely smart love song about a relationship working despite the differences which a lot of songs do but they never go into why they work together. Peter explains that while he can’t know a lot about art or money he does know a lot about humanity (and sex, as Sledge shows).

The rest of the verses follow this same formula, I’ll close the review by pointing out how the finales of both songs basically are the same again.

With the finale of Sledgehammer Gabriel refers to “shedding his skin”. He then says “this is the new stuff”, which probably sounds like a birthday suit reference to you but I have a more indirect interpretation. What I love about the line is that in a way it’s Gabriel saying “I’m the shit!”, predicting that the song will become ‘the new stuff’ as it did. Which is why it’s one of the things I do prefer over Steam, which goes for a more obvious orgasm innuendo:

“Roomshake, earthquake

Find a way to stay awake

It’s gonna blow, it’s gonna break

This is more than I can take!”

Tho back to praising Steam, it is my favourite song after all, I think that song does pace itself better. Steam is a minute longer and has way more variety, with a lot of change ups with an occasional pre-chorus peppered in. It’s a longer song that feels shorter and endlessly replayable. Granted a listen to both of these songs an unhealthy amount of times, so I wouldn’t recommend any of you reading this skip out on them. Listen to them however you can, they’re a great time. Heck, buy the albums they come from because the rest of the songs on there are great too.

Thanks for reading this review. It’s a very quick one drafter of hopefully many that I’m posting to sharpen my writing skills. Hope you enjoyed and I’ll make sure to improve these over time. I have ideas for little bite size and more cohesive reviews of the following songs: Uh Huh, Girl, Babooshka

*note: thought he sung “kick” but apparently not. Personally I think “kick” has a better kick to it, funny enough, in terms of annunciation.

[hwanuels]

h.mh: i’m (not) fine.

part of the We Can’t Be Friends Series

pairing: college!hwang minhyun x fem!reader

note: see, i’m not dead! school has just been a bitch and i haven’t really had any motivation to write but! i finally got hit by lightning and i saw the holy god hwang minhyun. anyways i’m making this into a little series for minhyun because i feel like the story i want is the best express this way. i’m a heavy curser so this also contains a shit ton of curse words. and since this is set as a college!au, there’s gonna be some more mature themes compared to my other fics and the format is a little different.   

read the preview to get a little insight (don’t necessarily need to but it would be recommended)!!!

“i’m fine,” you stressed. 

your phone was pressed to your check with your shoulder as you placed some of the carrots you selected into a plastic bag, throwing it into your shopping cart once you finished. 

“i’m not sure i believe that,” your long-time bestfriend, kim jaehwan, said from the other side. 

you rolled your eyes at his comment. it’s been about two months since minhyun’s sudden break-up and you were doing just fine. well, at least that’s what you told everyone. 

switching the phone to the other ear, you lazily pushed the shopping cart forwards. it was currently two in the morning and here you were, dressed in nothing but an oversized shirt and a pair of shorts on a friday night, grocery shopping. 

“you’ve barely been out since the two of you broke up!” jaehwan pointed out. 

“i’m grocery shopping right now!” you argued back, turning your cart down the juices and drink aisle. jaehwan had a habit of stealing your precious ice yea. “i’m buying vegetables and all of that adult shit.” 

“dude, we both know that you’re only grocery shopping because your mom has been nagging you for weeks and you need to have physical proof that you’re a fully-functioning adult, which i might have to add, you’re not.” 

“shut up,” you muttered, eyes scanning for your favorite drink. “whose fault is it that i have completely bare cabinets and fridge? you practically inhale all of my food.” 

“it’s payment for keeping your depressing ass company when i can do better things with my time.” 

“excuse you, i am not depressing, i’m merely sweating from my eyes every night,” you replied back. picking up a pack of your sweetened ice tea, you placed it into the shopping cart. “did you want anything? might as well buy your fat ass something while i’m here.” 

“booze.” was jaehwan’s replied. “get the good shit, not the one that tastes like donkey piss.” 

“fine, you fucking alcoholic,” you sighed. sadly the alcohol aisle was in another area despite it also being a beverage, which meant that you had to walk even further. 

“anyways, how do you feel about going back into the scene again?” 

“no,” you quickly replied. “i’m not doing that shit again” 

“i’m not talking about being in a serious relationship.” 

“what do you mean then?” 

“i think it’s time for y/n to return to the hoe life,” jaehwan said. “i’ve been missing my thotty bestie.” 

“you really think it’s a good time for me to get blackout drunk every staturday night again?” 

“hey, you were the one that said you’re doing fine,” jaehwan countered with your own words. “i think we need to transition out of the i’m-so-sad-i-miss-him phase and into lets-get-fucking-hammered.”  

“we?” 

“you act like you’ve been going through a breakup alone. this has been a team effort, it's like i’ve been dumped too,” he replied as if if made sense. and according to jaehwan logic, it did. 

a small smile picked up the corners of your lips, typical jaehwan.

he was a friend that's been with you through everything little up and down since middle school. despite his blunt words, jaehwan was the first person that you called after the breakup and watch as you went through three pints of strawberry cheesecake ice cream and ten thousand boxes of tissues. not to mention, he even offered to beat your ex-boyfriend up in multiple violent ways. 

jaehwan was the best bestfriend you could possibly ask for. 

turning the cart into the alcohol aisle, you asked, “what type of booze do you want? the sweet type or the sophisticated one?” 

“the one we can pregame with for the party tomorrow” your friend stated. 

you opened your mouth to argue, but the words got trapped in your throat once your eyes laid upon a familiar figure debating between two bottles of wine. 

“i’m taking your sudden silence as a yes to the party-” 

he didn’t seem to notice you yet as he was heavily invested in making a decision between two bottles of wine, so you quickly turned around and stopped in another aisle.

“holy shit,” you breathed out. 

“why? did something happen?” 

“he’s fucking here right now,” you spilled out. 

“who?” 

“you know who!” you whispered aggressively in fear that he could hear you. “i just saw hwang minhyun in the alcohol aisle!” 

“oh.” he said. “that’s not good.” 

“fuck your alcohol jaehwan, i’m going home,” you said, not wanting to return to the aisle next to you in fear of facing the last person you wanted to see right now. 

“wait! hold on,” jaehwan argued. “we need the booze so stop being a pussy and listen to me. if he’s buying alcohol at two in the morning, it doesn’t really show that he’s in the best of shape right now so just go for it.” 

“jaehwan, did you forget that i’m also going to buy alcohol at two in the morning?” you pointed out. “doesn’t exactly say i’m-doing-perfectly-fine-without-you to me either” 

“at least you have a shopping cart full of vegetables to back you up,” jaehwan try to reason. “and the other adult shit you bought.” 

“i have a total of two vegetables in my cart, jaehwan.” you said. “not a fucking farmers’ market.” 

“just go for it. he’s not someone in your life anymore so it shouldn’t matter what he thinks,” jaehwan reminded you. “i have an essay due at like six so i’m gonna go bs it, but you really need to grow a pair and buy my booze. i’ll see you tomorrow night and you better pull out that one hoe-y dress of yours.” 

and the called ended with a small beep. 

fuck, you thought to yourself. you contemplated on whether or not you really wanted to face minhyun right now. 

maybe you were lying a tad bit when you told everyone that you were okay and that you were doing just peachy without him. maybe it was a small white lie that you told to reassure everyone around you and maybe yourself. maybe you were still in love with him. maybe. 

biting on your lip, you finally made the decision to just suck it up and do it. if anything, you could just drown yourself in alcohol tomorrow. a perfect back-up plan, kinda. 

when you looked back to the aisle, minhyun was still there, except there was another bottle replacing one of the others you saw in his hands earlier. minhyun had always been particular with his food from what you could recall. actually, from what you know. 

perhaps you could just shimmy your way past him (who was standing straight in the middle of the aisle) and perhaps he wouldn’t even notice it. so with some resolve, you charged (not really) forward to get past him to get to where the tequila was. 

except, minhyun was a very hypersensitive person that becomes ten times alert once someone enters his little personal bubble. it was something that you once that was endearing and unique, now, it was the bane of your existence. 

as you tried to pass by behind him quietly, his head whipped and made eye contact with you. 

you froze as minhyun’s eyes widened once he registered who you were. 

he opened his mouth to say something, but you muttered a quick excuse me before passing by him. you ignored his stares and the heavy silence as you beelined towards the tequila section. 

you quickly placed in two bottles (and maybe a third) and prepared to leave when you heard his small voice you missed so much. 

“how are you?” 

you bit the inside of your cheek, should you respond? 

you did anyways. 

“i’m fine.”

you pushed your cart away to quickly escape, wondering exactly who you were saying it too. minhyun? or yourself?

you were a fool to think that you were okay when you were the entire opposite.

[doctorgerth]

May I ask for relationship hc's (sfw and nsfw) for X Drake ?Please

Absolutely!!!! X Drake is a little harder to work with since we’ve seen so little of him, so this is strictly just my own interpretation of him. I hope you find it sufficient!! Enjoy, my dear. x

PSA: I am gonna start tagging nsfw content as #sinful or #lemon from now on. That way I won’t experience any more flags! 

Now, on to the sinning! 

X Drake SFW+NSFW Relationship HCs

SFW:

- being a rather serious man, I feel as if he is more inclined to fall for someone fun; not necessarily obnoxious, but someone who can keep him on his toes and keep his life interesting!

- he finds playful attitudes in a partner very endearing; bonus points if they’re mature and sophisticated in front of others, but isn’t afraid to show off their silly side when it’s just them; he enjoys the feeling of being able to “let loose” around his partner after being so serious all day

- he also finds intelligence in a partner very attractive as he enjoys having meaningful, thought-provoking, and informational conversations

- of course he wouldn’t admit it, but he likes someone who can break the scowl on his face; he’s had a sad life, so he’s not opposed to his partner being his little sunshine (definitely a nickname he uses on occasion in private)

- it takes a mighty long time for Drake to fall for someone, much preferring if he’s either known them for a while or if he can develop some sort of trusting bond beforehand; he’s not one to just dive into dating/courting, he needs to know he can trust them before he even thinks about getting involved romantically

- and once he is finally involved he takes his relationship very seriously; very loyal and always willing to protect/care for his partner, and though he might express it in subtle ways, he always offers them his utmost love and affection

- definitely the marriage type as he never dates just to date, he forms relationships with people because he sees a potential future with them; he wants to settle down one day with someone he loves, maybe even raise a family

- not into PDA in the least bit, he finds it super embarrassing (he gets all flustered when they act touchy!), so his partner has to respect his boundaries and the reputation he has to maintain; if his partner desires physical contact, he always makes up for it during their alone time behind closed doors

- he can be a bit awkward as he’s always wanted to express affection for another, but he’s never really known how to, given his past; therefore, he usually lets his partner take control of the cuddling sessions, he’ll just kinda leave his arms open for them to ravish him with hugs and kisses that he graciously accepts

- his kisses are a bit hesitant, always worrying that he’s doing something wrong, so his lover usually takes control in this case as well until he finds a steady groove; his lips are really soft!

- prefers to place his hands delicately on their hips or at the small of their back (if height allows) and take his time with some intimate kissing; if his lover can wrap their arms around his neck/run their fingers through his hair, he’ll be smiling and melting into the kiss!

- loves to touch his lover’s face (preferably without gloves); whether he’s rubbing their cheeks, grazing his thumb over their lips, or caressing their face lovingly, he just cherishes how soft they are and how they always look up at him so adoringly

- he honestly gets overwhelmed sometimes by just how lucky he is to have someone be so unconditionally in love with him; he was raised in an abusive environment, causing him to feel as if he’s unworthy of love and affection, so he needs a partner who isn’t ever afraid to show their love for him as he can be a bit insecure

- his partner must be prepared when he holds on a little too tight, tears welling in his eyes during even the most simple cuddle times; he’s just basking in the love, hoping they can feel just how much he loves them in return!

- not very argumentative, prefers to talk things out; he feels comfortable to openly express his feelings to his partner, so he expects the same from them; he gets really upset if they give him the silent treatment/walk away from him

- besides “sunshine”, he also likes to call his partner “darling”, “dear”, or “love”; sometimes he slips these endearing nicknames in public and he gets super embarrassed, instantly becoming snarky at anyone who makes fun of him for it

- the only time he’s truly okay with his s/o riding his back in dino form is when they’re escaping dangerous situations; but…he has let his s/o ride on his back just for funsies once or twice before, each time swearing it’ll never happen again, but he knows he can’t deny his lover that satisfaction forever

- is not scared to get a little bloodthirsty if someone threatens or harms his lover; nothing as precious as them should ever be attacked; hops into angry dino mode real fast

- speaking of protection, Drake much prefers his s/o stay on his ship or somewhere safe away from the trouble he faces, especially if they are unable to protect themselves; he’s confident in his protection skills but he just can’t take the risk as his biggest fear is losing them and he doesn’t exactly hide it

- though he is a stoic man with a professional reputation to maintain, he always makes sure his lover never ever doubts his love for them through his own unique ways! a very selfless partner who will go the distance to make his lover truly happy in life

(( NSFW UNDER THE CUT ))

NSFW:

- okay first things first, as we all know our Dino Daddy is absolutely weak for women’s naked bodies, but this can apply to a male partner as well!

- he gets super flustered seeing them naked, no matter how many times they’ve had sex by then; his face gets all heated and he just feels like a little teenage boy all over again!

- he’s so eager to touch them but he’s always chivalrous, tending to ask for permission to touch them (even if it’s nonverbal) though his hands have explored every inch of their body time and time again previously

- if his partner comes at him in some lingerie, whew boy he has to fight the impending nosebleed; but he likes to take a minute to enjoy them in the lingerie first, running his hands along the fabric while he mentally takes a snapshot of the beautiful sight, then he gets to his favorite part: undressing them~

- definitely a titty man, he’s a sucker for burying his face in his lover’s tits, they’re just warm and squishy; small tits, huge tits, he loves and appreciates them all!

- very proud of his toned chest and thighs, so he loves when his partner praises him/gives these areas special attention; including raking their nails against the skin, trailing kisses, riding his thigh, etc.

- Drake is not really into inflicting or receiving excessive pain during sex, the most he is comfortable with is scratching, hair-pulling, light biting, and light spanking every now and then; his sharp fangs have unleashed at times, but he never bites hard enough to draw blood

- sex with Drake can definitely be primal, especially in times after battle or reuniting after lengthy time apart, but his choice of love-making is more passionate and tender; he loves to take his time with his partner, relishing in the love they are professing to one another

- Drake is extra handsy during sex, they’re never off his partner! whether they’re on their chest, their back, their legs, their ass, etc. his hands are constantly holding onto his partner as he craves the physical connection, holding them close is just never close enough!

- some of his go-to positions include thigh master, the double-decker, and face-off; since he’s not much of a kinky guy, he typically makes up for it by trying unique positions as long as they are comfortable

- loves a woman on top as he can hold her (and bury his face in her boobs) while she controls the pace, he finds the feminine power beyond sexy; also never against being a bottom with a male partner, Drake is definitely a switch

- one of his favorite places to have sex? the bath tub; it’s so intimate yet so thrilling! this is his favorite place to have his woman ride him as he just relaxes in the water; watching her soaked, lathered body bouncing up and down on his cock makes for some really relaxing sex; with a male partner he prefers to lean back into their chest while lazily grinding on them, allowing his partner’s hands to roam along his body freely

- he’s decent at dirty talk, more comfortable with saying sensual and romantic words than “filthy”, and he prefers to keep things simple, loving to praise his partner; he blushes heavily at a partner who praises him/has a dirty mouth, he won’t always respond verbally, mostly with a low grunt of approval; he curses the most when he’s cumming

- “Mmm, you feel so good, darling.” // “I want to ravish you.” // “Can I touch you here?” // “Does that feel good, love?” // “Oh, you ride me so beautifully.” // “You look absolutely divine begging for me.”

- foreplay is his specialty as he loves taking his time to warm up his partner for the main event; fingering, eating out, sucking dick, he’s always really really good at it; he’s usually a little hesitant going down on his partner (scared of his teeth unleashing) nevertheless he always goes wild when his partner runs their fingers through his hair while he’s down there, encouraging him on

- he’s not very loud in bed and he doesn’t like a super loud partner as he can’t have his ship hearing their business!; if his partner is loud he is inclined to cover their mouth while they have sex, but it works for him as he honestly gets a little turned on by their muffled moans of pleasure

- to counter that, Drake is loud as fuck when he cums, he’ll grit his teeth and grab onto his partner tightly as a growl escapes his throat, a few blaring curses laced among his partner’s name as he releases; he prefers to cum inside his partner, but if they are uncomfortable he will usually release onto their tits (the second best place), their stomach, or in his hand

-  he is wonderful about the cleanup process, quick to grab a spare towel or wet rag to help clean his partner and himself off, he’s always willing to change the sheets and remake the bed together; sometimes they will escape off into the bath where round two typically happens

- cuddle time with Drake is always extra cuddly after sex, he holds his partner close, reassuring that the session was good and that his partner is happy; he doesn’t last long for pillow talk before he snoozes off as he always falls asleep fast with his partner in his arms!

[thesecondcircleofkel]

NSFW Alphabet, All Might: A-Z

Reposting all of these together for convenience and to save space. Alphabet requests are still open, but remember, I don't accept requests to do the entire alphabet for someone all at once. You have to stick to the guidelines of 1 character per ask, and 5 letters per ask, and once I finish the alphabet for a character with requests like that, I will repost it all together.

A: Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Toshinori is so freaking sweet after sex. He lives for pillow talk, and he’ll hold you against him the entire time, stroking your back and shoulders as he tells you how wonderful you were and how much he loves you. Given his physical condition, you make have to help him out a bit instead, but he tries to do everything that he can so you don’t have to get out of bed.

B: Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Before he was injured by All for One, his favorite part of himself would have been his muscles. He worked hard to get them, and he was proud of that. After his injury, his hands took that place, mainly because he loves being able to touch you, and since he may not always be able to have full, penetrative sex with you because of his physical condition, he likes that they can still bring you pleasure even if he’s not feeling that great.

On his partner, he really looks more towards their inner character than their physical appearance, but a good set of legs has always been able to catch his eyes. He loves running his hands down his partners legs and feeling the transitions between their calves and thighs, and when he is able to have penetrative sex with his partner, he loves it when they wrap their legs around him.

C: Cum (Anything to do with cum)

His cum is pretty thin and water, and there tends to be a lot of it which embarrasses him quite a bit. He probably has to take a lot of meds given his health and it’s highly likely that some of the blood he coughs up goes down his throat and into his digestive system, which will really throw his iron intake for a loop; based on both of those assumptions, his cum will not have a pleasant taste to it whatsoever, but he’d never make you swallow it. And since we’re on the subject, he’d also never make you go down on him, but please don’t deny this baby head, he deserves it.

D: Dirty Secret

He likes to browse through sex toys online every once in a while. He looks for toys that he’d like to see you use on yourself, and he’s actually come pretty close to buying one for you, but he backed out at the last minute because he started doubting if you would actually like it. If you ever catch him on his phone and his face is beet red, this is what he’s doing.

E: Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He certainly knows what he’s doing, but he honestly hasn’t slept with that many people. Sex was always on the backburner for him, with his main priorities lying in his work as a hero. He’s also not really big on casual sex, and his busy life hardly allowed for the time to build a proper romantic relationship with someone.

F: Favorite Position

He is all about intimate positions that don’t take a lot out of him physically, so Cowgirl, Watering Can (there goes that name again), and Lotus are some of his favorites, especially the latter two because of how close the two of you are in them.

He also really likes Missionary but he has to be careful with it due to his injury.

G: Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc.)  

Humorous sessions are bound to happen when you have sex with All Might. He can act as serious and mature as he wants to, but we’ve all seen this man flip himself and an entire couch over just because he was so shocked at something that was said. He won’t go out of his way try to be goofy during sex, but if something funny does happen, then he’ll just go along with it. He likes the sound of your laugh anyways, and he’ll be happy so long as you’re smiling, regardless of the reason for that smile.

H: Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Pretty brittle due to his health but he keeps it trim. The carpet is also a shade or two darker than the drapes.

I: Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect)

He loves intimacy, so he goes out of his way to try to make sure that sex between the two of you is intimate. From the eye contact and holding you during the act, to the amazing cuddles and pillow talk afterwards, sex with All Might is very intimate.

J: Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He only jacks off once every blue moon, and it only happens when he’s really desperate for you but can’t have you for some reason. He’ll definitely be thinking of you when he does it, and if he had something to remind himself of you during the act (i.e. a piece of clothing that still smells like you), he’d be ecstatic. He generally likes to take his time as he masturbates, in the hopes of quelling his desires for as long as he can until he can have you again.

K: Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Voyeurism and Toys (explained in the next section)

When he was younger, he loved to Roleplay, mainly with him as a hero rescuing you as a civilian, but he doesn’t delve into that much anymore.

Orgasm Denial on him. The poor man has had a lot of stress put on him in his life, so he likes to give up control to you when he can. He can’t do anything too intense like bondage, but orgasm denial will let you take control of him in a way that won’t physically hurt him.

Sensation Play. I can just see him being into it, mainly with soft things.

L: Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Anywhere in the safety of his own home. He tends to favor the bedroom just because the bed is the most comfortable place for him to be intimate with you, but the couch is also high on his list, and he’s also really fond of getting frisky with you whenever you two take a bath together.

M: Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Bedroom eyes and sexy glances during the day. Give him those glances in public, too, because his embarrassment will only fuel how horny he gets from them.

Lingerie with bustiers and garter belts. He finds them to be very sophisticated, and his jaw will nearly hit the ground every time he sees you in this getup.

He doesn’t do much hero roleplay anymore (he used to do it a lot when he was younger), but he will damn near instantly bust a nut if you ever come out dressed as a sexy librarian or teacher. Really get into your role, too, and tell him that you have to discipline him for bad behavior. This will result in a very horny All Might, and he will also gladly follow every order from you.

N: No (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He will definitely never hurt you, no matter what the circumstance or situation is. He’s alright with kinky stuff, but if that kinky stuff gets hardcore to the point that it involves pain, then he’s out. It’s just not his thing; he’s far too much of a protector and nurturer for it to be.

O: Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He loves giving you oral but he has to go about it slowly so he doesn’t have a coughing fit or lose his breath too quickly, which is actually a bit teasing to you. He’ll definitely get you to one hell of an orgasm, though.

While he does love a good blowjob, he would never ask you for one because of how big he is. He definitely won’t turn you down if you offer him one, though. He’s actually quite a big fan of you just using your tongue to tease the head of his dick while you work his shaft with your hand, so if you don’t want to try to deepthroat him or anything, go for that and he’ll be a happy man.

P: Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual?)  

He definitely goes for a slower pace, especially after he retires and can’t use his Muscle Form anymore. It’s just easier on his body and he can last longer that way, plus he finds it to be more intimate and it gives him plenty of time to make sure that all of your needs are met without overexerting himself.

Q: Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)  

His health doesn’t really permit for them. They aren’t really his thing anyways, but if he was in good physical health, then he wouldn’t mind having one every once in a while if that was what you wanted.

R: Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)  

He’s willing to experiment within reason; he’ll definitely want to do some research into whatever it is that you want to experiment with first, but after that, so long as it doesn’t cross any of his boundaries, then he’ll be willing to try it. As for risks, he’d rather avoid them. Not only does he have a reputation to uphold, but he would just prefer it if sex stayed worry-free so he could focus on bonding with you instead.

S: Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Back in his younger days, his stamina was a thing of legends, and that stayed true up until the point that he got his injury. The toll that that had on his body really affected his stamina, but he can still go for a few rounds so long as he doesn’t overdo it. His rounds last for a good bit, too, all on account of the slower pace that he usually uses.

T: Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Given that he isn’t always able to have sex with you because of his injury, toys will become a huge part of your sex life. He doesn’t typically use any on himself, but he has no problem using them on you when he’s not feeling well enough for sex. He absolutely loves watching you use toys on yourself, though. He will be a happy man watching you use a vibrator on yourself, and dear lord, help this man if you get a dildo to fuck yourself on while he watches. He’s also a really big fan of watching you masturbate without toys. He just loves watching you, really, and he’ll make sure that you know that pretty quickly into your sexual relationship with him.

U: Unfair (How much they like to tease)

It’ll take some convincing on your part to get him to tease you, just because he’s much too keen to give you what you want to think to do it on his own. He’d much rather you tease him, especially if you two have been together long enough for him to build a lot of trust with you; he likes giving someone else control instead of worrying with it himself, and it really helps him to relax after having to deal with so many responsibilities on a daily basis.

V: Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Not too terribly loud, but not exactly quiet, either. He mostly grunts and groans, with the grunts being pretty quiet. The groans are louder, and they’re also how you know that he’s really getting into things. They sound fantastic, too; they’re low pitch and really drawn out, and it almost sounds like he’s in pain, but that is most definitely not the case, what you’re doing to him just feels that good. He really only moans when he cums, and even then it’ll only be one really long moan that will probably be muffled anyways because he like to hide his face against you as he cums.

W: Wild Card (Random headcanon)

He definitely struggled with his self-confidence for a while after his injury. It might not have been so bad if his ability to do work as a hero hadn’t been impacted as much as it was, but since that wasn’t the case, there wasn’t much of an upside to the situation that he could look to, so he was forced to focus on the negative aspects instead. It took him a while to get past this, but with some time and constant reassurances from those close to him, things eventually got better for him.

X: X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

Toshinori…is a big ole boy. You know that silly little joke where someone sees someone else’s dick and goes ‘Oh, sorry, I thought that was your pet *insert large reptile here*’? It’s still a corny joke, but you could get by with saying it to Toshinori-nobody will blame you. He’s around 7’2” according to his Wiki page, so even if his dick is just proportionate to his size, it will still be intimidating. That’s in either form, too, because I don’t think it changes size when he changes forms. Based on that, though, it’ll probably look bigger in his regular form, but that’s just because it isn’t surround by all those huge muscles. I reckon he’s around 7 ½ to 8 inches long and 5-6 inches in girth when he’s hard. Best of luck.

Y: Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

He can live with having sex 1-2 times a week, but he will never turn you down if want to have sex more than that. Just keep his physical condition in mind since you might have to do a lot of the work if he’s feeling rundown.

Z: ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He won’t fall asleep until after you do. He also loves to rub your back and shoulders until you fall asleep, and he likes to watch you sleep for a bit as he thinks about how much better his life is with you in it. 

[waitingissuchpain]

In Consult - Chapter 2

Characters: Jungkook, IU, OC, Lisa

Genre: Slowburn, Office!AU, Angst, Fluff, Mentions of Smut

Pairings: Jungkook x Y/N, Jungkook x IU

Chapter 1

Plot: Eri Kim. A 20-year old fresh graduate who got accepted into her first job as a process executive. Once she was introduced to the production floor, there she met Yukio Mita. A tenured agent who was assigned to help the new hires out, including herself. Slowly as time goes by, Eri found herself being attracted to Yukio. Seems harmless right? That’s when she realizes Yukio has a girlfriend. Would she continue on with her feelings or should she back off?

New faces. New clothes. New surroundings. Seeing handbags and sophisticated things in their hands instead of piles of readings and a backpack is so weird to me. They all look so… serious and mature. Am I really in the right place? Thank God I’m with Hisa. Grinning at her widely as I tug on her sleeve. “You ready?” I ask as Hisa grins, shaking her head softly as he sighs. “Lets get it on bitch.” 

Walking straight inside the building, being greeted warmly by the staff as we both grin widely, saying our hellos loudly as we giggle, running inside to the hall where we’re going to have our first few orientations from the company. 

The start was already going so good. Just when we thought it couldn’t get better, we thought wrong. Walking into another building, seeing the biggest search engine in the world’s logo in the lobby of the office made my jaw drop. Holy shit, it was real. It wasn’t a scam. 

“Ya.. this is the real shit. Can you imagine we’re going to work at this kind of place?” I mumble a whisper to Hisa, who was equally checking out the place, nodding slowly. “Jackpot.”

Imagine getting any better than that? Huh. The following week, we went to another building. They said this is where we’ll work. And might I just say, Holy Lord God did I save a whole country in my afterlife to deserve this kind of work and workplace? Jesus Christ.

The smell of fresh lavender engulfing my nose as we walk around the lobby of our building, seeing the fun and quirky seats on the sides and the big sign of “Diagonally” on the receptionist’s desk. The staff smiling widely as we were escorted to the conference room, it didn’t even look like a conference room at all. It felt like a theater if I were to be honest. 

“Working here would be a fucking dream.” I mumble loud enough for Hisa to hear. “I know.” She replies. And then our trainer came in, introduced herself and I’ve never had a more friendly trainer in my life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being able to work in one of the biggest and most prestigious companies in the world, it’s expected that the training period would take forever. Thank God our trainer was kind enough to teach us everything there is in the easiest way possible. She made us understand clearly every lesson and tool we were to use at the production floor, where we’re going to work. 

We were already enjoying the time we spent with each and everyone in our wave. Our trainer, even the room where we’re always at. We were starting to get comfortable - well at least I was. I had people I can call as mom and dad, a few pairs at least. But before we knew it, we were being sent down to the production floor for nesting. You can call it as a trial period to see if you’re fit for the work given or if you’ll have to say goodbye. 

Nerve-wrecking. Anxious. Everything negative I was already feeling it. Do you know that feeling when your gums suddenly gets so itchy you can’t do anything about it? Yeah. That kind of feeling. God, we were going to be put to the test, whether we’re worthy enough to handle cases or are we just not for this job.

First day at the job, even though I was part of the less fortunate people in our wave who only had one day of rest for that week, I was excited and scared at the same time. A part of it was because Hisa’s schedule is different from mine. Separation Anxiety? Maybe. Walking into the office, all dressed up and had a smile on my face as I greeted the security guard before finally entering the production floor. Hm, Odd enough there wasn’t many people present that day - well it was a sunday so I guess it’s understandable. 

You know those typical scenes in the movies where everyone’s rushing to get the papers off their hands, or when they’re running around the floor trying to read the papers they had as quick as possible while drinking their steaming hot coffee? Yeah i didn’t see that in our office. It’s a lot more… chill here. 

“Wave 48?” I was taken back to reality when a girl with pretty highlights on her hair and comfy clothes called out our wave, smiling widely as we all walk towards her and two other guys beside her, greeting them a good afternoon since it was almost going to be 2pm, start of our first shift. Our first day. 

“Okay, so just look for an open station where no one’s assigned to and go log in. Once everyone’s settled we’ll be starting the shift.” She explains with a smile as we all disperse to look for a place we’d be comfortable in working at. Settling for a seat close to the window just because the view looks so gorgeous. Something I can look out at when I already feel stressed from the cases I’ll be receiving. 

It’s been about fifteen minutes since I’ve logged in onto my laptop, just scrolling through the tools that we’ll be using as well as looking at my social media accounts here and there when the Production floor GC started to make noise. “Hello, I’ll be assigning 5 cases per person in awhile.” Someone said in the gc while we all acknowledged, waiting for the cases to load onto our laptops as I plug in my earphones, already opening up spotify to play some music to distract my nervousness.

“Don’t worry, you can ask us for clarifications before you send out the emails you’ll be composing. Just track them onto the tracker when you’re done and wait for our go signal.” They explained as we were all nodding and getting ready to show them what we’ve got. 

Actually handling a live case was more nerve-wracking than I thought it would. “Hey.. Queen. Are you ready?” I mumble as I grin widely, nudging her shoulder as she looks at me with a confused face. “Do you think we have a choice?” She spits back as I hum in agreement, leaning back to my seat as I see the queue on my laptop change. Fuck. I have cases now. 

Totally forgetting everything I’ve learned from training, I start to panic just from reading the first few lines of their issue. “Jesus Christ… why did I not listen…” I mumble against myself as I bite my lower lip nervously, sighing deeply as I shake my head gently. Re-reading the case as I get the things I need to take down to assist the person contacting us. Taking down notes on what to take a screenshot on, to see if they’re eligible for it, checking every little thing before I go and look for someone available to ask if what I did was correct. 

Biting my lower lip as I look over my friend, Queen, who was already stressing over her own cases I decided not to disturb her. Getting up as I look around for an available tenured agent to ask from. Almost giving up as I see the girl from before have everyone else surrounding her, I see a guy wearing a red jacket, a little on the thin side, maybe the same height as I am also very quiet. I also remembered he was with the girl from before, Cathy, yes. 

“Hi? Can I ask you or?” I mumble out as I walk forward, unsure if I should go on and ask him or not since he wasn't even looking at me. Slowly, he turned his head towards me with a neutral look on his face before nodding slowly. “Okay.. so he’s asking about having this official badge.. I’m not quite sure if what I’m doing is right so… can you help me out?” I ask as I try to walk back to my station, hoping he was right behind me as I sit on my chair, showing him the inquiry as he leans down, reading the query quietly, nodding. “Hm.. yeah. You can just take a screenshot of his homepage, as well as his writings to see if he’s authorized to these and then you can send the email to him.” He says quietly as he nods before walking back to his station. Already saying “Yes” to my case on the trix, making it good to go for sending the email. 

“That was easy.. I guess?” I say to myself as I send my very first email of the day. My very first email as an employee. I hum at myself as I take a look back at the matrix. Reviewer’s name: Yukio. So his name’s Yukio, nice to meet you Yukio. 

[lilmajorshawty]

favorite sun/moon combos?

Oh lord. Honestly hmm

Aries sun/Virgo moon: super easy going and relaxed and has a earthy side to them that I think is to die for! This tones down the impulsiveness and adds a touch of rationality when dealing with things that I like and they can be a nice blend of fiery and sensual.

Aries sun/Scorpio moon: “intense” they are pretty prolific honestly have strong feelings and treat everything in life similarly to their emotional landscape! I find them irresistible and I think it adds a nice level of depth to them and creates an interesting dynamic! The only take away is they can be a bit dramatic and overbearing.

Taurus sun/Aquarius moon: LIKE OMG? these guys and gals are so so sooooooooooooooooooooooo amazing! They have this air about them that seems so far away yet so grounded and in your face but in a very hard to grasp way. They’re very socially inclined and can really be brainiacs! I adore the way they carry themselves and I honestly think as stubborn as they may be due to the double fixed energy they can be so giving and charitable.

Taurus sun/Leo moon: probably my 2nd favorite! My cousin has this combo and he’s very self assure and confident but Taurus has a humbling affect here for Leo moon and tones down the arrogance and more “me me me” lower aspects of this moon! They are very powerful and have a heavy presence that demands respect and they often are liked by like everyone due to how authentic and real they are! But yeah I think this is a great team.

Taurus sun/gemini moon: 💗💗 my mom has this and a close friend! Super super upbeat place for Taurus and also they can be so air headed and all over the place but in a cutesy way! It also gives Taurus the ability to let go of grudges and move on with their lives! Like this combo is super easy going and forever childlike. Albeit they can be emotionally immature(takes a while for them to understand their emotions) but overall super great.

Cancer sun/libra moon: for some reason this has a Scorpio vibe? Like most I’ve known with this tend to be high key private and secretive. But overall they are super super sweet and sensitive! Albeit the downsides here are extreme indecisiveness and outright self led denial they are still very caring and optimistic for the most part and know how to get along with practically anyone like seriously these guys are the epitomes of socially sophisticated! But i love them so so much.

Cancer sun/Aquarius moon: one of my friends has this and she is..hmm like hot and cold? Summer and winter!? Her desires never match up and she can be a little aloof and cold emotionally and then crying a storm and clingy the next. I actually love this dynamic because it calls for a lot of growth from a person! These people are very complex and can have so many desires running around inside that they don’t learn how to properly express until later on in life. But overall I love them! Wise beyond their years and extremely open and free spirited! They’re not as emotional as most cancers and are very strong willed and independent.

Cancer sun/Scorpio moon: okay. So..this is will Ferrell and I’m in love with him???? But loool yeah these folks are sooooooooo mushy and sweet and huge ol softies! Cancer seems to water down the affect of Scorpio here and can actually make these guys a lot more forthcoming about their emotions and a lot more open about what their private moon in Scorpio is feeling! They naturally seem to be able to be perceptive and idk like they are super open about their feelings for the most part like their still intense moon in scorpios and what not but they don’t really hide what their feeling.

Cancer sun/Capricorn moon: in my experience they’re soooooooooooooo complex. They have very grounded and serious emotions and I feel in awe when I’m in their space. They are so so wise and very emotionally aware and mature and rarely will you see them lose their head. They’re the types to vanish and go quiet though rather then let you know outright what’s up. I find them super attractive and forth coming.

Leo sun/Capricorn moon: HOTTTIES but that being said they can be ruthless. Very ambitious and money minded and tend to be less about gratification then most Leo’s and have a very dominate and powerful personality. They can be so blunt and so straightforward(ex: Arnold a.k.a terminator) but I love how strong they are and how they always put their best into all they do and don’t make excuses when they fail.

Virgo sun/Aquarius moon: super cute! They tend to be a bit more cooler in temperament and seem a bit hard to reach due to the doubled up analytical and non emotional tendencies of both these signs. But it also makes them super super sensitive and teddy bears underneath! I love how they can create warmth and comfort wherever they are and they are very smart and socially adapt individuals! They give of a Scorpio give as well :0

Virgo sun/cancer moon: OKAY LIKE MY BFFFFFFFFFFFF has this and they are so soooooo sweet and caring and endearing! This brings out the best qualities of Virgo and they tend to be super chill and go with the flow types. They can be super career minded and tend to be drawn to more affectionate and emotionally tempered people from what I’ve seen. They are so warm and loving albeit in a quiet way and love comfort! I get libra vibes from this combo.

Virgo sun/Leo moon: these guys are intense! They have strong ass personalities and normally are more outspoken then most Virgo suns. I like how passionate and real they can be! They have a “crowd” vs “loner” vibe and tend to fluctuate between “I am my pack” to “I am on my own” but overall I love them! I high key get Sagittarius vibes from this combo.

Libra sun/Scorpio moon: S E X Y like super hot.incredibly dangerous and will probably ruin your life in a very twilight like way. They come across as aloof from my experience and hide the more intense side of their personality. They are very secretive and hate people prying into their personal life. Super philosophical and morally based people and they don’t easily stress or take disrespect or antagonism to heart and easily move on from things. But at the same time SHIT HITS THEM DEEP. I love em their Cinnabons. I get cap vibes from this combo.

Scorpio sun/Aquarius moon: bby has this. And lemme say this is quite the fucking dynamic. They’re very private and tend to fluctuate between icy and lustful. They have a chameleon like personality and can vibe or blend in anywhere! They have this passion about them boiling underneath their easy going pravada. They tend to be super huge sweethearts and have very easily aroused emotions. They super quirky and childlike but theirs a danger to emotional confusion because Scorpio and Aquarius are night and day. Overall love them.

Scorpio sun/ gemini moon: sooo cute and very multifaceted! They wear a lot of faces these guys and are the “intellectuals” they tend to be super scattered and childlike and Scorpio adds on to this making them easily thrown of track by new and better interest that catch their attention! They can have self esteem issues laying deep down from what I’ve seen.. they’re super skilled and talented though and have a strange yet fascinating mindset on the world and how it works.

Scorpio sun/Virgo moon: ONE WORD: P R I V A T E. these guys don’t like people in their personal space and usually take a while if at all to let you in their bubble. Their also a lot more critical of their flaws and others and tend to hold them self up to a specific criteria. I honestly say these are the papas and mamas! They are so tender and motherly to those they care about and can be babies if they feel like they’re being ignored! They want to be acknowledged even if they prefer to stay out of the limelight! I adore them they give me earthy Leo vibes.

Scorpio sun/Capricorn moon: this is Jon snow. And lemme just say this is so so sooooo fun! They actually have a very easy and warm presence and you don’t really ever feel the Capricorn energy in them but you know it’s there! They can be a bit standoffish and distanced but all the while they move in a aged way. Their movements are timeless and they have a very grandma and grandpa energy about them! They’re not as impulsive or possessive minded as most Scorpio suns and tend to actually emphasis on freedom and responsibility. They live life like loners and tend to see life as a journey and yes have I said I love this? They give me Taurus•Sagittarius vibes.

Sagittarius sun/Scorpio moon: THESE GUYS AND GALS ARE SOOO FREAKING HOT. Let me just say that I am enamored by this fucking combo. Like they really project that scorpion intensity and it’s heavy man! Their super independent and prefer to live life by their own accord. They’re not as open and friendly as most Sagittarius and usually have to get I know you before there freedom loving nature comes out! They can be a bit prissy and straightforward and have a bluntness about their energy. But man they are so magnetic! They have a playfully intimate nature and are so so soooo deep! If anything they give off a very high octave Scorpio energy.

Sagittarius sun/Capricorn moon: like honestly super grounded guys and gals! Not super spontaneous but they do have a reliable and sturdy nature that I love about them! They have this old time 80s flat/disco vibe about them. And if I could relate their vibe to anything particular it would be deux machina the movie. They are super chill and actually have such a calming affect. I love em!

Capricorn sun/Aquarius moon: these guys are so interesting like they always have like 11 different hobbies and tend to be fairly private and passive about them. They’re not super talkative types and usually stay to themselves but once you get them going? Their chatterboxes! They are also a bit odd and far out when it comes to concepts wise and my Venus in Gemini loves that aha!

Pisces sun/gemini moon: really genuinely sweet hearted people! They tend to always have a caring and loving atmosphere about them and you don’t really notice the airness in their nature honestly they come across as very wise and old and tend to have an emotional maturity about them that’s hard to miss! Their super dedicated and reliable and tend to never let life get them down! But honestly soooo sweet and have such a cancer like energy about them man!

Pisces sun/Aries moon: rih rih!! And yes honestly they are so confident and headstrong and aren’t as emotional as most Pisces suns from what I’ve noticed! They don’t really come across as sympathetic and ones I’ve met usually nurture others by supporting them and giving them tough love! Not to say they don’t cry or give hugs cause they do! They just aren’t super caught up in the emotional specter of life as they are more into the more impulsive and in the moment types. I get hella Aries vibes from this

Last but not least honorable mentions(ones I forgot and felt like I should’ve mentioned)Cancer sun/Aries moon(my placement) Taurus sun/Capricorn moon(sooooo hot) Pisces sun/Aquarius moon(😻😻)

[pettyotome]

The RFA reacting to the MC being 4'10

Zen - this just makes you 1000x cuter - because he's like 5'10 or whatever, you compliment him more - he's SO MUCH MORE GENTLE AND AFFECTIONATE W YOU - head pats. VERY OFTEN. - whenever y'all get into small little fights, he goes all "okay but what are you gonna do tho? you're literally a garden gnome." - but tbh he cherishes you so much more bc of it, your shortness just adds to your charm. - your struggle to reach the top of the fridge for cookies is hilarious to him - but he doesn't really tease you TOO about it bc he keeps reiterating the fact that your height is a perk, not a flaw Yoosung - the height gap isn't OUTRAGEOUSLY big so he doesn't have much to say about it - it actually makes him happy bc a lot of women consider him to be too short for a man so you're perfect for him - but bc you're so short, you start to feel like the younger one in the relationship bc most people who see you guys together assume that he's older - which isn't bad, it actually makes yoosung feel good about himself bc people always treat him like a child - basically he's just really comfortable having you around bc most people treat him like a kid and being w you feels like he's w somebody on his level... or below it - "you're not short, you're fun sized!" Jaehee - you're so mature and handle yourself in such a good manner in the chats... that she almost didn't take you seriously when she had to slightly look down at you the first time you guys meet - it doesn't bother her at all though, it just took time to adjust to bc in her head she pictured you as a grown woman but you're literally bite sized - when you guys go out on dates, people ask if you're her little sister - it's never really a big deal tho bc it's literally just height and at the end of the day jaehee fell for you for you - she lends you her heels so that you can finally be as tall as her - "seriously, you're as petite as a child." Jumin - yo this man TOWERS over you - the first time you guys met, he deadass could not see you in front of his desk and it took him a few seconds to look down and go "... so you're her." - literally, anything he buys you, 9 times out of 10 you're gonna have to get it tailored bc everything is too long and sometimes slightly big for you to wear - when you fall asleep on the couch and he picks you up, he cradles you a little bit before placing you onto the bed - dance lessons are kinda hella awkward but y'all make it work - sometimes you get a bit insecure bc the women that throws themselves at him are all tall and sophisticated supermodels, they just seem to suit him more. while you're so tiny and very awkward when trying to fit into his world - but then he reassures you, that like everything else about you, Jumin loves your shortness and believes it makes you more perfect, more beautiful, more desirable than any other woman who throws themselves at him - he noticed the height supplement pills in his cabinet when you moved in, took them, walked up to you and said "you won't need these any more when you're with me." - it's NOT FUN when he loses you in a crowd of reporters - and when he finds you again he practically glares at them and hugs you very tightly, "Next time, hold onto me so I'll never lose you in a crowd again. You had me so worried. I'm never letting you out of my sight." - your height makes it that much easier for him to dominate you - he's very careful and delicate when he's touching you bc you being so small just makes you seem that much more fragile in his eyes - jokingly considers putting you on a leash to avoid losing you again, but would never actually do that - whenever someone tries to make a short joke or roast you for your height in the messenger, it's like the perfect way to summon Jumin bc he comes in all like "Her height is perfect. Haven't you heard? Good things come in small packages. And you lot would be lucky if she'd be interested in any one of you." 707 - short jokes are the fucking HIGHLIGHT of the RFA chats - he knew what you looked like, but seeing you in person had him SHOOK bc even tho he knew adult human beings could be under 5 feet, it made it even more fascinating to see you in person - but the truth is he thinks it's so fucking adorable - it also makes him want to protect you even more - when you guys are together he always tosses you around the bed bc you're just such a petite little thing - PIGGY BACK RIDES ARE MORE FUN THAN EVER NOW - "Can I tell you a secret...? You're not a normal sized human being, but your height was actually my ideal size for a woman." Not sure about men tho 👀👀👀 - he's mad childish about it tho like when y'all are talking he bends his knees and gets down your level to talk to you when y'all are having a small disagreement Saeran - he's not really surprised at your height bc of how he's stalked the hell out of you and all but he finds it quite amusing - but boy is this man the devil incarnate when y'all are roasting each other bc your height is THE FIRST thing that pops up and he does not hold back - he doesn't say it out loud but he actually really likes the fact that you're short as hell, it's cute - puts the cookies on the top shelf and hides the ladders bc he's literally Satan - but he also really loves you so when he holds you, he's afraid he could crush you right in his arms - "I haven't been 4'10 since my mother died." - sometimes you repeat whatever he says about your height in a mocking tone bc CHOI BOYS ARE CHILDISH AS HELL - but honestly, if anyone else were to tease you for your height he would deck them bc ONLY HE gets to roast your santa's elf looking ass V (ho boy here we go) - cracks a short joke once a blue moon - otherwise he NEVER makes fun of your height - he honestly loves that you're so short bc when he holds your head close to his chest, you can hear his heart beat and he's all "that's how I feel with you in my life." - always tilting your chin up to look at him like, "come on, let me look at those beautiful eyes. I never get to see them since you look down all the time." - you might only be 4'10, but to him, you're so much bigger than that - he's literally so in love w you that the reason why he doesn't mention your height isn't bc he doesn't notice, rather he notices it a lot. but he finds it so beautiful that the sun isn't just a star-- the sun is a 4'10 angel. - one day he even actually asks you, "How do you do it?" you're confused, and he says, "How do you find a way to store so much light in that small but perfect body of yours?" you're blushing like crazy but he's actually being serious. - you respond with, "well, the sun shines for a reason. and my light just so happens to shine the brightest when I'm with you." - v is so honored by what you said bc no matter how many short jokes you get, you're seriously the biggest thing in the world to him, to the point where he associates you with light sources like fire, stars, the moons glow-- y'all get it - this boys is literally convinced that you're a human version of what light looks like - y'all V thinks the light is 4'10 - V is just so perfect, why did Cheritz do my mans wrong I'm fucking crying give me my V route

[anhed-nia]

I finally saw WANTED & DESIRED, which I had been avoiding but which also felt sort of obligatory. I don’t know why, there’s really only one Polanski movie I’m passionate about, I guess it seemed like a necessary piece of education for a “film person”. It made me feel more or less the way I thought I would feel if I had to spend ~90 minutes or whatever with a lauded and unapologetic pedophile. It bothered me a lot that all of the interviewees, whether for or against, referred to Polanski as preferring “young women”. I think there is a serious problem if you consider barely pubescent individuals to be “women,” with or without a qualifier. It also annoyed me that the film, or maybe just the world at large, insists on positioning Polanski as some sort of irreconcilable split personality, EITHER a tormented genius who heroically survived various tragedies, albeit with some post-traumatic relationship problems–OR a twisted and dangerous sexual predator. It seems so obviously foolish to pretend-out-of-existence someone’s famous accomplishments in the name of a prosecutorial agenda, just as it’s completely disgusting to acquit someone of crime and perversion just because they’ve produced some important art. People do this shit all the time, though, whenever someone turns out to be an asshole. I shouldn’t be surprised.

Almost the first thing that happens in the documentary is that Polanski is asked about his preference for “young women”, and he snootily replies that all men have this preference. While I’m painfully aware that straight men in general tend to gravitate toward co-ed -looking partners, I am not cynical enough to believe that this *usually* includes children in the 9th grade, as Polanski indicates contextually. It made me think a little about the main asshole in my life, my abusive ex-boyfriend. In the long term, that relationship often involved him saying repulsive or emotionally violent things to try to start a fight, of which I was so afraid that I learned to play dead when it happened. In the early days, it wasn’t always clear what was happening or what the implications were, but I think I can remember the first time. We hadn’t been together for more than a month or so, and we were watching an episode of Strangers With Candy (of all patently unerotic things) that involved satirically outrageous scenes of bra-less high school cheerleaders jiggling and cavorting. My new boyfriend suddenly exclaimed AW YEAH, UNDERAGE NICENESS! in what I can only insist was a particularly humorless fashion. It freaked me out. He didn’t laugh, or look to me for a reaction. I thought morosely that maybe most dudes get off on the idea of “barely legal” chicks, but I didn’t think someone would ordinarily flaunt that while their actual girlfriend was sitting right next to them. Eventually he realized that I hadn’t spoken for a while and asked me what my problem was. I said something concilliatory to the effect that I understand that they’re hot, but I’d prefer it if he didn’t point out to me attractive “underage” girls. He was a little thrown by this, and declared that his statement was supposed to be a joke, unconvincingly. I just tried not to think about it.

Now that I have more than enough distance to look at it, I have kind of a nuanced response. The first thing is that I don’t have any actual reason to believe that my ex is a pedophile, I genuinely think he’s just a misogynist and an asshole. Thing (1a) is that misogynistic assholes are especially fond of the “barely legal” trip because the idea of a sexy helpless dumbass with no personality fulfills their worldview, their shallow sexuality, and their limited ability to relate to other human beings. Men who are primarily attracted to younger women–by which I really mean like, 30+ men who mainly have sex with women in their 20s–seem to me to be manifesting a fear of the judgment of their peers, an inability to perform for women of experience and intelligence who know from bullshit fake adults. Pointedly though, the way I think about it tends to be in terms of, as I said, stunted men anywhere past college age who gravitate toward college girls. These guys are facing a time of life where maturity and stability is expected of them, and they can mostly avoid being held to that standard if they stick with younger partners who don’t know any better. It’s gross but it makes a certain kind of psychological sense, in a rolling mid-life-crisis-y way. In the above story, my ex was about 24. The fact that he so clearly came pre-loaded with this romanticization of teenage idiots seems so much more fucked up to me than when men exit their youth and start desperately clamoring backward toward a fantasy of youthfulness. That’s true misogyny, when you are still so attracted to people in a time of life when they’re at their most vulnerable and least sophisticated.

As an aside, it’s just also really gross. Teenagers on the whole are not sexy. They’re not smooth and cute and good-smelling. Puberty is a really ugly time of life, and even a teen who looks good from three feet is most often going to be bumpy and funky and awkward and not well acquainted with hygiene practices in actual truth. Hustler has not been providing you with an accurate portrait of what 17-19 looks like for most human beings.

I don’t really have to a further statement to make about this, but I’d like to use this space to state my firm belief that, while there are certainly varying degrees of violence and disgustingness in sexual offenses: If you are one of those people who feels a passionate social need to differentiate ephebophilia from pedophilia, or normalize ephebophilia to other people, you’re an asshole and you should go and fuck yourself unto death.

[queermequeeryou]

Chapter 6

Womack did not expect that he will see Reina ever again but something in her eyes made it hard for him to forget their intercourse. Maybe it was not all an accident that he cheated with her on his wife and that led to their divorce. When she contacted him, he was shocked. Although, he agreed to schedule a dinner together. He was thinking that she was going to use him to have an expensive dish and honestly, he was also thinking she would pay him back and spend the night with him. Womack was even more puzzled when he saw Reina wearing very elegant dress and acting with class and courtesy. She was not like that waiter he met that night. They ordered pasta with vegetables and red wine. Reina told him about the studies she was forced to pay for and that was the reason behind her work in this obscure pub.  “But that dress and style?” he asked her suspiciously. She smiled to him politely. “The dress is just thrift store piece. Style... well, I used to believe that this is something more than being wealthy. That you rather born with class or don’t have it at all. But you know, some places requires you to behave the certain way” explained Reina. “I’m sorry that I called you, it’s quite naive but I couldn’t stop thinking. I shouldn’t be so prude but... Womack took her hand. “I understand. For what it’s worth, I have to admit I feel similar. You know, I was married...” “Really? Oh, my god... I’m so sorry, I had no idea” she took her hand back. “I know you didn’t know. I don’t have any excuses but the truth was that I was so far away from my wife at that point and you had something. It was not the body. You had so sad eyes. I couldn't forget them even afterwards” Womack was very anxious because he wanted to be understood. He was not completely lying. Of course, he cheated on his wife, they were good together but the routine made him get used to Ellen. He was thinking he loved her but it was just a habit. Reina’s eyes were fascinating for him and it was really the first thing he saw when he ordered vodka that night. Later on, obviously he felt tempted by her body and the fact that she was listening when he was complaining about the boring evening on a job trip.  “You are divorced?” she asked shyly. “You know, I told her the truth” Womack was playing with his signed on the right hand and switching his sight on and on to Reina” “I couldn't lie and act like nothing happened. I’m not that kind of man. I was sure it was just a one-night-stand but I couldn't. I told Ellen but...” He sighed because for a second he was not sure if he wanted to tell Reina the whole truth. “She didn't say a word for a few minutes. I was expecting an argue, shout, fight, cheek, anything. Some expression. You know what she told me?” he looked at Reina with a serious face. “My ex-wife told me she is gay and she couldn't live with my anymore anyway so it’s good for both of us”. Womack rubbed his forehead and smiled ironically. “I still don't know what to think about it. At first I was sure that she lied because she was frustrated but no. I started to reflect on that information and after a while it all made complete sense” he took a sip of wine. “Wow. Sounds really peculiar.” said Reina.  “Indeed. Well, we have had some strange situations I totally buried in my mind til that disclosure. Few times I caught her looking intensively at some women when we were out. I even asked once if she knows that person and she said that obviously no. It was you know, not the look you share with a stranger of same sex. The other day we were on holiday and I was shaving in our room but she has already gone downstairs to the bar on the beach. I promised to join her. When I got back she was sitting there and talking to a short-haired woman, very masculine one, you know. She was looking at her similarly like my ex-wife at these women but she was leaning and staring at her swimsuit. I was puzzled. I bet she came with a drink to my wife but then, Ellen said that she is with husband and laughed making me go with her. This woman looked surprised. I think that Ellen agreed to have a drink with her but I came back too fast so she acted like she didn't know her. I was wondering if she ever cheated on me but she told me afterwards that no because she loved me” Womack laughed nervously. “How the heck?” “Maybe she loved you for a person you are, for you heart, character, mind. Not for your gender” replied Reina with a very polite tone.  “I don’t know, I don't understand this entire queer-thing. I mean, I have nothing against it in general but why my wife? I am a bad person but I guess I would preferred to be shouted at for what I done than to know she’s gay” he revealed and saw Reina’s disapproval on her face. “You’re like all the men, I think” she said quite disappointed and drank some wine. They already finished their meals. “Maybe. I really loved her but also something changed when I met you. I can’t describe it properly and it feels embarrassing”. “Because you are fascinated with poor student girl?” she said ironically regretting a bit she called him. “No. Because we just met once and for all this time I was thinking that for you it was just a fling and I, the mature man, I am mixing things up, that my mind plays tricks on me and I am just stupid. I really wanted to see you again and when you called... It was like fighting with myself. I desired to have this dinner but also I was thinking that I should probably not agree. To just cut off. I don’t know.” he drunk a lot more feeling that this over-honesty can kill him once.  Suddenly, Reina smiled. This man could be a ticket for her to the serious lawyers’ world. No more polishing the counters, no more stinking old drunken guys saying nasty things to her. That was why she called him in the first place. She was tidying up small room she rented in a four-room apartment with some strangers when she found his number on a tissue. She was not that kind of girl but she also knew that she is talented and intelligent but she was from a poor family, no position, no money. That was just the world worked. She could not expect much. Womack was a silly wife-cheater for her. Reina knew lots of stuff about him. Also that he was married but he paid no attention to some buffoon-looking sophisticated lady. She was sure Womack would not even tell her and they would go on as nothing happened. The whole story with the divorce and his wife being a lesbian made her plan quite shaky now. She was not into messing too much with other lives. She planned to get what she wanted, as quick and as unseen as it was possible and get back to being good. Now, she realised that Womack is not all the responsible type and she was unexpectedly open towards her. She did not want to be misled. “Joseph, I understand. But I share you fascination to be honest. I know it’s stupid but I can't help it”. “I can't remember when somebody called me my brith name” said Womack and smiled. “I like how your voice sound when you say it”. He took her hand and kissed it.  “Maybe we can take a walk? I will just pay for the dinner” said Womack and in few minutes they were wandering into the night. He switched off his phone and put on black leather gloves.  “It’s quite cold tonight” he said buttoning his coat. “I got totally out of being used to it while living in LA. “I can imagine. I like NYC but I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the snow”  “You should visit me in Los Angeles next time. I would be honoured” he smiled and hold her by the shoulders. “I definitely will. But know, may I offer you to come over?” He looked at her, smiled and kissed her tenderly. “I thought you’ll never ask.” 

~*~

Nevada was having a coffee at Starbucks nearby. The sun was very hot today and the weather was quite demanding even considering the fact it was Los Angeles and it is kind of a rule there. She picked an iced latte because she could not handle regular one in this temperature. She was floating in her thoughts. A lot has happened recently. Her PhD thesis was going forward somehow. She was thinking that there is finally a chance that she will be finishing it this year, in about two months if everything will go this way. She was almost forgetting how long it took her already. Four years. Frankie has had lots of luck the professors even agreed to postpone it. On her mind was also her relationship with Christina. It has gotten more complicated than ever now when Ellen came into her or their lives. Lots of things were happening. Threesome with Christina’s husband, threesome with Ellen. She was not happy with the first one but she really liked the second one. They have not talked with Christina about it but it was like the best Frankie has had for a long time. She was thinking if Christina would like this information from her or would she be jealous? Christina appeared finally with her cappuccino and sat near Nevada. “Hi, babe” she said and kissed her as a greeting.  It was not a usual thing that she even paid attention to Frances when she came by but not completely an unusual too. “How are you?” asked Nevada still lost in thoughts. Christina mixed her cream into the cappuccino and took a sip. Then, she said with one leg put on the other.“I’m just... indifferent. I was thinking a lot.” she licked her spoon from the cream and put it on a little plate where the coffee stood. “I want to tell you something about Henry. You know I had five husbands before him, don’t you? But you don’t know how and when I met him.She drank few more sips and put the cappuccino back on the plate.“I was 19, having nothing, just partying, wearing distasteful clothes, fucking with guys and... girls” she smiled to Frankie “Once, I got very drunk. I went to the sophisticated bar where all the millionaires were partying. Obviously, nobody wanted to let me in. I looked like a prostitute. But some unknown man in suit started to talk with me and I went inside him. I saw this world for the first time. I was enchanted. This was like a dream for me. I was a contrast in my used panther dress and very kitschy high heels. This man ordered a drink for me. Then, I excused him to go to the toilet. He followed me. I don’t know why, he was probably drunk and high. Instead of asking me to go to his hotel or just any hotel he tried to rape me in the toilet. That’s how I met Henry. He saved me from it. He told this guy to stop and he did. Henry ordered him a taxi and led him to it. When he left, I tried to talk with Henry. He only told me what his name was and that I should not be there because it’s bad, dangerous and in reality, I don’t want to belong there. He was not into me. He told me he was married and not fancy to cheat on his wife. We talked a lot, he was almost 10 years older than me but so smart. I liked him. He told me something that stayed with me forever. I could take his advice then. He said that this world of wealth is rotten and poisoned within the core. It’s not possible to get out of it, even if you become bankrupt you will forever have the effects of it inside you. You will be doing drugs, you will be cheating, you will be an emotional invalid. I asked him why he was not like that and he replied that he is exactly like that. Then, he smiled and left me. Some other millionaire approached me and that night I fucked him. He gave me a necklace in the morning so I won’t tell his wife. I started to see him. Later on, he divorced his wife because as he said, she was cheating with his job partner and we married. It was my initiation into the wealthy world”. Christina sighed. It was all but a dream.  “Obviously, it was a short one but I easily met my second and third husband because I already belonged to this world. Or I thought I did” Christina realised Nevada was looking at her and carefully listening to the story. It made her question herself and why has she never talked with her that deeply. “My fourth husband was different though. I got used by this fucked up rich world. I tried to escape it. I was trying to act like I never left the street, living some double life, having my panther styled dresses in one wardrobe and designer gowns in other. After I divorced with fourth husband I had enough money to have my own apartment but I was really thinking about selling it when I met Jack. He was a junkie, total wreck. We destroyed my flat completely. We made our drug cozy place there. I married this fucking junkie. One night, we fought a lot. Jack said he wants to go to this buffoon party now and kill them all or steal from them. I don’t remember. We were very high then. We went there. I overdosed, he was trying to kill me. It was all a mess. I was dying anyway. And I was only 35. I hated this all, I was a mess. Well, I was seeing Henry regularly somewhere at these parties. We weren't talking but he was frequent there. This time also, as you could have expected now, he saved me. If not for him I would be dead.” She stopped for a moment, look through the window and took a sip of her cappuccino holding the mug in both hands. “When I got better, he came by to see my at the rehab centre. We were talking. He was visiting regularly. I really fell in love with him. He is a great man.” at this point Nevada did not know where Christina’s story were about to be leading but she was happy for the time and openness she shared with her. “I want you to know that I love him”. Christina looked towards Nevada and held her hand for a while. “But... I will tell you that once because you know me well now. I also love you. You are both the most important people in my life.” Christina was quite shaken at this point, she kissed Frankie and let her hug her. “That’s one more thing. I saw your attitude with my husband and with this red-haired. I would suggest you to go for it. You really like her on and it’s mutual, I think. I just want you to know that I have no obligations with you having somebody same as I have Henry” Frances was surprisingly content about what Christina said. It was probably the most fair they both could do for themselves. “Christina, I love you too”. “I already know that, my love” she replied and kissed her again.