#he HAD to believe that in order to not be having breakdowns about it earlier

[fellhellion]

fans are always like why does goro’s plan re shido suck and have huge gaping flaws. man i do not know how to tell you he was ensnared in this bullshit at fifteen, was doomed to it from that moment onwards or else risk being killed and actively avoids introspection to bury the fact that he wanted other people and ESPECIALLY his father to want and love him despite every cruelty.

[favvn]

The more I think about it, the more the turbolift scene from And The Children Shall Lead is both the opposite of and bookend to the conference room fight from The Naked Time.

The obvious differences of environment and how the scenes are staged are at the forefront, of course. In The Naked Time, Kirk finds Spock alone in the conference room after he has had an emotional breakdown from the virus. In And The Children Shall Lead, Spock physically has to pull Kirk off the Bridge and into the turbolift, something that mirrors his earlier words to Kirk about the need for a captain to be unshakeable in the eyes of the crew in order to maintain command. (And if anyone in the series understands the need for privacy and control over one's countenance, it's Spock.)

Both characters are incapacitated by their emotions, Spock by the sadness and regret that the virus has brought forward and Kirk by sheer fear and anxiety made all too real by a crew that is distracted by their own fears and made unable to hear him due to illusions. Both are stuck reckoning with the very things they fear. Spock still feels such strong emotions and love in spite of his adherence to Vulcan custom. His attempts to control his emotions and reign in his human half have come to nothing. He can still be unraveled into a sobbing mess. Kirk fears that he is truly alone, unheard and ignored by his own crew, and unable to keep the Enterprise and maintain control as a result. The realization of this fear reverts him to childlike behavior, from his slouched posture and the way he folds himself inwards as if to make himself smaller, to the higher pitch of his voice. Any certainty and authority is gone from Kirk.

There is another element to Kirk's fears in both episodes in that his captaincy exists only in relation to others. Without the Enterprise and her crew, what exactly is Kirk? He holds no position or importance if one of those elements is missing. Yes, his speech about love and how it's off-limits to him speaks to the demands of the captaincy versus his need for connection and love with another person, but there is that other element of reciprocity behind it. And The Children Shall Lead shows it in a very harsh light in how each person on the Bridge either cannot hear him or ignores him.

In order to get through to Spock in The Naked Time, Kirk resorts to slapping him, with the intent that the pain ought to cause him to snap out of it (this scene is perhaps hilarious in hindsight when A Private Little War later shows that Spock must be slapped in order to leave a Vulcan healing trance. Thanks for that detail, Roddenberry ♡). It doesn't fully work until Spock hits Kirk back and knocks him over the table. The scene ends with them separated by the table between them but with Spock back to his usual self and Kirk now infected with the virus.

In And The Children Shall Lead, Spock calmly stands his ground in the turbolift and calls Kirk by three different names. Spock first says, "Captain," in his attempt to get Kirk's attention. It is Kirk's title, the rank that Kirk holds on the ship, the name of his job, the very signpost of his command. Spock calls Kirk exactly what he needs to hear, yet it doesn't break through the anxiety unleashed by the children. Spock tries again, softly saying, "Kirk" next. By this point, Kirk has lunged at Spock with his hands at Spock's throat, believing that Spock is attempting to take the Enterprise from him as other past episodes have shown (The Deadly Years especially, but episodes like The Ultimate Computer, Mirror Mirror, and The Menagerie show it to an extent). Kirk still does not hear Spock past his fears, which leads Spock to call him "Jim." This, the use of Kirk's preferred nickname, the name that only his friends have used, is what finally gets Kirk to snap out of it. The scene ends with them physically together and still in a partial embrace but both acting like their usual selves and uninhibited by a virus or induced fears. In this sense, And The Children Shall Lead's turbolift scene, the one that so many people regard as a "now kiss!" moment, is a culmination of the fight scene of The Naked Time if one recalls the repetition to "risk implosion" to do what has "never been done" and come together towards a united point.

[dravenscroft]

So I make a loooot of shitposts and jokes (mainly because my actual career is writing dark and serious novels and therefore I come to Tumblr to get away from that) but I FINALLY wanted to write a post that sums up my thoughts regarding the Hickey/Tozer dynamic because it fascinates me so much.

I'm putting it under a read more because I know I'm going to ramble.

Okay so first of all, as much as I may like to make jokes about the sex being so good it drove a guy to mutiny, I don't actually believe there was any sexual intimacy between Hickey and Tozer at all. This is mostly because I think post Carnival NOBODY was getting laid, everyone was far too sick and weak and tired for that - do I think in different circumstances it could have happened between them? Possibly, yeah. I definitely see the dynamic as romantic, but in a weird, unspoken, 'whatever the hell they have going on is also way more complicated than that' way.

The main thoughts I have about how and why Tozer ends up locked into in the Worst Situationship Of All Time are mainly due to three factors:

Heather's death and the breakdown of command.

The obvious Oh Shit moment of watching the Tuunbaq devour Collins' soul.

Physical touch.

The first one is the primer, as it were. It sets Tozer up as angry, desperate, and willing to mutiny. It's already become clear by Carnival that command is breaking down, they don't know what to do, and what a soldier needs more than anything is a CLEAR, DECISIVE CHAIN OF COMMAND. Without that, Tozer - who already has some Opinions about the way the marines are being put at additional risk (unionise, king) - has no one to keep him on a leash, for want of a better word. He's a dog trained to kill that suddenly doesn't have a master. He cannot be in command himself. He needs someone above him; he's not a leader.

This builds and builds, but then Heather's death - the loss of any vestige of something that would keep him loyal, since evidently Heather's care would continue under ordinary command - at the hands, essentially, of the very command he's started to doubt...well, that's it. Gun primed.

The discovery of Fairholme's group shatters any remaining hope he may have had, Crozier's reluctance to tell the men only further compounding the 'command is failing' mentality Tozer already has in spades. And there you go - the trigger is pulled.

BANG. Mutiny.

The second major factor comes after he's thrown in his lot with Hickey in a way he can't go back on. He sees Collins' soul sucked from his body by Tuunbaq before his very eyes. Suddenly, everything he thought he knew has been tipped on its head and an existential crisis he definitely didn't expect or need is thrust upon him, but now any decision he might have made to stay with Crozier and co based on this revelation is no longer open to him. The gun is still smoking, there's no way of putting the musket ball back, and now Hickey is his only option.

But maybe that isn't so bad? Because Hickey is providing something command didn't. He seems in control. He seems to know what he's about, what he's doing, and what to do next. He gives clear concise orders. He's taken up the leash command dropped, and Tozer has a master again. He feels like a marine again, like some of his identity has returned to him in a weird, perverse way (and we know Tozer is incredibly proud of being a Royal Marine from his earlier conversations)(not to mention Crozier's remark to Fitzjames about not asking the men to leave bits of themselves behind straight away when leaving the ships; Tozer has already lost bits of himself, when Heather died, and he lost faith in command).

Tozer is NOT willing to do a second mutiny because that would put HIM in charge, stripping him of that identity all over again, and he cannot handle that.

And finally, physical touch - physical touch is one of the things that keeps him chained to Hickey (quite literally by the end). It's perhaps not nearly as much of a factor as the other two, or perhaps an enormous factor, but definitely there. Throughout the earlier episodes we see that Tozer is a pretty tactile guy. Playfully wrestling at the birthday party. Caring for Heather, squeezing his hand to try and get signs of life. This is a man who isn't afraid to touch other men. When Hickey holds his face in That scene, he doesn't appear surprised - a little spooked by the way he leans in suddenly, and Hickey's intensity, but not shocked. Not like it's the first time Hickey has ever touched him. I generally imagine there's a lot of physical intimacy Hickey offers him during the scenes we don't see, because Hickey IS good at recognising things in people most of the time, and I can see him honing in on that need for touch immediately.

I imagine him touching him a lot, sleeping unusually close to him, soothing him, everything to make Tozer feel safe and secure and remind him WHO is meeting those specific needs. He's providing certainty, command, and comfort, three things Tozer desperately needs.

If there WAS any sexual intimacy between the two, I believe it would build off this even further - confuse Tozer about his feelings, make him feel uniquely bonded to Hickey in a way he can't easily undo. Especially as a Royal Marine, essentially a symbol of the warlike 'noble' Empire, with all the corresponding Victorian hangups and ideals, which would no doubt feel incredibly threatened by any attraction to Hickey. Hickey, who, as we know, WANTS to erase this sense of Empire as identity, not because he understands the evils of Empire but because he wants to replace it with his own where he is at the top.

Hickey both offers Tozer his identity back while at the same time trying to reshape it to fit his own empire. And for Tozer that's confusing and conflicting - but it's better than what he had before. Because Tozer, too, cannot see the world through any lens but that of Empire and hierarchy and command - that's the fatal flaw of all these men.

By the end, it seems he's starting to see what a horrible mistake he made - but by then it's far, far too late.

And a dog NEEDS a master.

Tldr; I think Tozer's bond with Hickey stems from both very human needs such as touch and closeness and certainty, but also from a very thematic need to have a place and easily understood identity within the structure of Empire. And there's almost no real way for those two different sorts of needs to coexist without disaster.

(One day I'll go into how I think Hickey gets more from this relationship than a mere henchman, but this isn't the post for it! This is about Solomon)

[starlostt5]

Jeans

pairing: spencer reid x f!reader

summary: you have a breakdown over finding new jeans

a/n: hello! my first fic on this acc I have a marvel acc that I have neglected so I'm starting fresh! This is for the girlies with killer thighs who I assume have had the same problem as me finding the jeans that fit properly!!!!

warnings: probably mistakes English isn't my first language and also I haven't written anything for months so I'm rusty

___________________________________________

"Fuck!"

Spencer pokes his head from the bathroom at your profanity, checking to see if everything is okay.

"Sweetheart, you okay?"

You look at your boyfriend and he can tell something is wrong, not because he's a profiler but because there's tears threatening to spill.

"These are the fourth jeans this month alone."

The jeans you've just now ripped were the last ones you've had, which only could mean one thing. Jean shopping was necessary.

"Baby, that's okay I'll take you to get new ones. It's okay."

Spencer knows he said something wrong when you give him the look - annoyance and frustration in your eyes.

"You just don't get it."

Maybe you sound dramatic, and yeah, you know he wants to help, but that wasn't what you wanted to hear so you dramatically flop on the bed and sigh.

"Okay, tell me what can I do for you?" You groan into your pillow.

"Nothing Spence, let's just go get new jeans."

Spencer texts Emily that there has been an emergency and he won't be able to come to work today, which you tried to stop him from doing because this could wait - apparently not.

"Let's go." Spencer grabs your hand and leads you out.

Spencer severely miscalculated the amount of time it would take you to find jeans - you did tell him this is a process, but he didn't expect that after 3 hours you've gotten 0 jeans.

"I give up. This is hopeless. " You walk out of the fitting room trying so hard not to cry, but this always happens.

"They don't fit properly everywhere. They are either too tight on thighs or they are too wide on my hips or both, or they're too long or short, they have no pockets and if they do they are too small. Oh and get this, when you go to the plus-size store, they get more expensive. Why?I can't even order anything online because the sizes are different everywhere and I-" Spencer pulls you into his chest and caresses your back, drawing circles trying to calm you down.

He never thought about this because he's never had that issue and now it makes sense you've been upset this morning. Now he was even upset at himself for not understanding earlier.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry I didn't understand. Tell you what, let's take a break for ice cream or whatever you want."

Sometimes, you don't believe Spencer is real and even better he's yours.

"Okay sounds good."

While taking a break, Spencer has been thinking about you and how stressful this is for you both physically and mentally.

"What you thinking about so hard, Doc." Spencer chuckles at your pet name for him, you love Back to The Future and Spencer, well he has some issues with how time travel was done, but he likes the pet name anyways.

"I'm thinking how to fix this. Why are jeans so hard to find? That's not fair."

"Spence, you can't just fix the system. This is just how it is. Besides, this wasn't so bad you were there."

Spencer frowns. How many times have you gone on a hunt for jeans without him, if this was "not so bad" how does it look when he's not here.

"Baby, that doesn't help. Is there anything I can do for you?" Spencer asks, holding your hand.

"Uh, you're the fbi call every single company that makes jeans and tell them to make better jeans." you joke, but Spencer gets an idea.

"You know what you're right."

You look at him quizzically, trying to figure out what your genius is going to do.

"Don't worry about it let's go home we're done for today."

*some days later*

Spencer gets the notification that his package is almost home, and he's genuinely excited for you to get this gift. Unfortunately, he won't be there to open it with you, but he's sure you'll love it.

As if on cue his phone rings.

"Hey, Spence, something arrived in your name, I didn't know you ordered anything?" you look at the box in your hands trying to figure out what it is.

"Yeah, I forgot to tell you." you scoff, Spencer is literally unable to forget anything.

"Okay, I lied, that's a surprise for you, but promise not to open it before I'm able to face time you okay?" Spencer can feel your excitement and impatience from miles away, but after some sweet talking, you finally promise not to even take a peek.

"Loverboy, the surprise go well?" Derek asks, ruffling Spencers hair.

"I don't know yet. I am like 90% sure that she'll like my surprise but there's always a chance she doesn't so." Everyone rolls their eyes at his reply and continue talking about the case.

Finally, after getting to the hotel, Spencer showers and calls you, excited to have you see the surprise.

"Hi, honey." Spencer chuckles at seeing you with a box opener in your hand and box inches from you.

"I wasn't gonna open it."

"Sure you weren't. Go on, baby." You huff and open the box carefully, hoping there wasn't anything breakable. You might have shook it a couple of times but he didn't need to know that.

Your eyes open wide in surprise, you look at the box and then at Spencer and then again at the box.

You pull out the pair of jeans from the box and look at them.

"Try them on."

"Spence what is this?" you ask looking through the box counting 6 pairs of jeans with no tag or size on them.

"They're jeans for you! Remember how you said I'm the fbi and I should call everyone and tell them to make better jeans?" the disbelief on your face makes him smile.

"Well I didn't do exactly that. But... I did use some connections in the fbi. Anyways try them on"

Not knowing what else to do, you just do that.

"Spencer."

"These are perfect like they fit like they were made for me."

"It's because they were, and if some of them don't fit, let me know if I need to have a talk with the person to fix them."

You can't believe your boyfriend literally went out of his way and had someone make you a perfect pair of jeans.

"I... I don't know what to say. You're literally the best and no these are perfect. How?"

"Well, I had Garcia research some people and then I found them and then had Derek meet some of them to threaten them to do a good job and yeah."

He says that like it's the most normal thing to say, like he's listing groceries.

"I love you. Not because of the jeans just-"

"I know, I know, but try all of them on. Also, I personally wouldn't mind if you lost the shirt you know because it's gonna overshadow the jeans you know?"

"Spencer!"

[the end]

__________________________________________

hope you enjoyed.

likes comments and reblogs are appreciated <3

[kitorin]

dear stranger.

in which, itoshi rin is terrible at keeping promises.

contents. itoshi rin x reader, hurt no comfort (just not from rin himself), childhood friends, unrequited feelings (implied), reader is a year older than rin, a bit of isagi x reader at the end, all word vomit it's past 1 am cut me some slack

a/n. kinda short since my recent fics were so long and i need a break (i have more planned anyways)

For as long as you can remember, Itoshi Rin has always been there.

You were two peas in a pod; inseparable, possessing a bond that no one could ever replicate. You've known each other since birth, and your mothers had been best friends even before you were born.

All four seasons and all year long, you were together. Winter was composed of snow fights, snoozing inside of a kotatsu, with a cup of hot chocolate. Gasping while pointing at the gorgeous cherry blossoms blooming in the spring, eagerly trying to catch the petals dancing with the wind. Splashing and kicking up water at the beach with each other, enjoying refreshing watermelon as you both bask within the warmth of the sunlight. Admiring the crimsons, saffron and golds of Autumn, giggling at the satisfying crunch of leaves lying on the pavement.

Playdates or sleepovers, either way you were both over the moon. Screaming with joy and playing together all day, later scheming to stay up all night to whisper each other every secret (all while making sure Sae sleeps undisturbed), only to pass out an hour or two later.

He's the reason why your childhood was so warm, overflowing with happy memories, the mere thought of him engulfing with you warmth.

You didn't go to the same preschools and daycares, yet you were still each other's bestfriend, and it was going to stay that way forever, if you did start primary a bit earlier than him.

"Mama what do you mean Rin won't come to school?!" The weather perfectly suited your mood, rain hammering against the roof and windows. Five year old you pouted, refusing to believe what you and his mother just announced. In protest you slammed the table, standing up.

"y/n, calm down. Rin's still going to primary as well. Just not at your school." Your mum orders you to sit down, and you obey reluctantly, as she continues throwing ingredients into the hot pot.

"But why?" A disappointed whine leaves your lips. "I want to learn more with Rinnie."

"It's okay." Rin's mother pats your hair, moving it out of your face to prevent it getting into your food. "You'll still be best friends, your mother and I didn't go to the same one either. We even grew up in different towns."

"But I want Rin at my school." Your mum sighs at how stubborn you were being.

"y/n I'll still be your bestfriend, I always will no matter what."

"But what if you find someone else." Your voice begins breaking, and your mother panics as she senses a mental breakdown, noticing early tears beginning to accumulate on your lash line.

Rin holds out his pinky. "I promise! We'll be together until we grow-, no, for the rest of our lives."

You intertwine his pinky with yours, it's so warm and soft, and his dedication makes you grin. "Promise! You're not allowed to break it."

"I swear on my life! You're not allowed to either." Both of you break out into a giggle, which earns a proud 'awwww' from your mothers, with hints of relief subtlety thanking Rin for preventing a mental breakdown from you.

That lunch had to be one of your favourites, Rin and his puppy eyes were adorable, even if his 'promise' lacked honesty and truth.

"Rin." No answer.

"Riiiin." Still no answer.

"Itoshiiii?"

He finally responds. "What?"

"Get off your phone. Talk to me." You frown, wondering what was so interesting that he'd avoid talking to you entirely, despite coming over to your house. So far all he did was remain seated in your chair, eyes focused onto the screen.

"No. It's important. 't's for an upcoming game." He doesn't even look away from his phone.

"Is it stressful? Do you want to talk about i-?"

"Shush."

You don't bother pushing the conversation, if he'd choose it over you it must've been a significant match. You spend the rest of your time reading a book, occasionally glancing at Rin.

Nothing happened.

"So, how's Rin?" Your mother asks before you sleep, doing one last check before heading to her room.

"He's good, really busy with soccer."

"You've been saying that all year. Is soccer all you talk about? What about school? Are his grades alright? How's he adapting to middle school?"

You open your mouth to answer, only to come to a horrible conclusion. You don't know. Rin's the boy you've spent over a decade with, the one who knows everything about you and you know everything about him.

Yet you can't say anything about him, aside for his dedication to soccer, which is something anyone could tell about him.

"Oh yeah! He gets along really well with his teammates, he's doing well." Before your mum suspects anything, you hastily lie, something that's not unrealistic nor concerning enough for your mother to feel the need to check. You force a yawn, hoping your mum stops asking and goes to sleep soon.

Your strategies work, as she quickly wishes you good night, leaving your room. Now you're free to start worrying.

'You've been saying that all year' now that you're finally taking it into consideration, she's right.

Because there's quite literally nothing else to tell her.

You're trying to count, trying to count how many hangouts resulted in him being glued to his phone, only stopping when your parents announce dinner.

Suddenly your lip's quivering, and anxiety blurs your vision as you feel tears gathering in your eyes.

It's still unknown to you why it's taken you forever to notice, but it's like a truck driving into you; heavy and brutal. Now that you've thought about it, you haven't properly hung out in forever, all he does is do something soccer related.

You understand having a passion. Not his cold treatment towards you, the one that was supposed to be his bestfriend.

It's just temporary, a middle school team can't even compare or come close. Rin's current behaviour was merely an attempt to adjust to middle school life, give it a year or two then you'll go back to laughing all day and building sandcastles.

"Seriously? She did that?" Rin's mum almost yells, shocked at the events recounted by your mother.

"Shhhh. Rin's sleeping."

"Poor thing... must be tired from training all the time."

You walk into the conversation halfway, blanket in hand, making your way to Rin's resting figure on the bean bag.

Gosh, he looks stunning.

His defined jaw, long eyelashes adorning his face, his bangs which rested right above his eyes, everything about him looked perfect, even if he was sleep. Even his lips look kissable in this state. You ignore that thought and carry on with what you were doing.

You're gentle and careful, ensuring you don't move the bean bag and draping your blanket over him. There's concern clouding your heart, the other day only his mum came over, apparently he had stayed home to sleep all day. You prayed his sleep schedule was okay, as you went to join your mum.

"C'mon eat more." Rin's mum smiles, she completely contrasts Rin, warm and welcoming. "Thank you for always being so nice to him. You're only a year old yet you're so much more mature. He's really lucky to have you."

If only Rin thought that. If only this 'friendship' continued because of him, instead of the close friendship between your mothers.

Your attempts to figure out what happened were fruitless, almost instantly being dismissed.

If only soccer didn't take over his life, no, if only you had stuck together during your education.

You feel so foolish, the overwhelming guilt strangling you won't go away, not even both of your mothers believe you're still bestfriends, little do they know Rin doesn't see you that way anymore. You're now essentially just strangers now,

If only he kept that stupid pinky promise.

"So Rin was that kind of person." Yoichi hums, still staring at the picture that was hidden in your desk. It's the two of you during the peak of what was supposed to be an eternal friendship, where you had an arm tightly wrapped around him. Even over a decade later you see it as a way to rub salt into the wound.

"Yeah." It wasn't easy but you ended up explaining you and Rin to your boyfriend, Yoichi. Your teeth dig into your bottom lip, fighting the urge to cry. Merely talking about him replicates the pain of that night, when you realized how truly meaningless you are to him.

"Hey." He's quick to notice your discomfort, wrapping his arms around you, lovingly patting your back. "It's okay." He whispers in your ear.

"It's not your fault."

That's what made you lose it, a choked cry and tears now streaming down your cheeks.

All this time you've been questioning if you were ever worth loving, all because someone who claimed to stay by your side forever disappeared so easily.

"It's okay, everything's okay." He continues to repeat. "I'm right here, okay? Let it all out. I'm not going anywhere."

You cling onto him, like a child. It was almost embarrassing to behave this way, weeping over someone who's probably forgotten you by now.

"'m sorry- I shouldn't be upse-"

"No. Don't treat yourself like that." Yoichi refuses to listen to anything negative about you, and that includes anything self deprecating. He carries you to your bed, placing you down gently, and joining you. Yoichi peppers you with light kisses, warmth ghosting over your face.

And he's right. You had every right to be hurt to this day. He was your bestfriend, your other half, and Rin himself took that all away from you heartlessly. The least he could've done was at least express that he wanted nothing to do with you.

"I promise you, I'm going to destroy him during our next game. I don't care if we're on the same team, I'm scoring more goals than him no matter what. No one deserves to treat you like that." Yoichi goes for a deeper kiss this time, rough, calloused hands cupping your cheeks. "Don't even think about saying you weren't good enough for Rin. You're perfect." Even after pouring your heart out and bawling because of it, you can't help but smile.

You're finally coming to terms with it, that the Rin who you'd play tag with along the graceful shores of Kamakura, was now a mere stranger to you, one that you'll hold dear to your heart.

tagging. @kiyumiya

© kitorin : do not repost, plagiarize, change, or translate

[brucewaynehater101]

In a response to an earlier ask, you said that you believe some non-human entities try to disguise themselves as human in order to blend in. Yes, very much so. HC that if H.A.R.D.A.C. is a thing in this universe (Silken Emperor AU) there's still a couple of Duplicants just sort of...minding their own business and praying Batman doesn't catch wind of their existence.

Cause, hoo boy, their creator was insane, and it's actually kind of logical that a sudden uptick in Duplicants from "0" means H.A.R.D.A.C. is back, but they don't want to revive him, he was a douchebag. Heck, maybe some of the Duplicants don't figure it out until they get mugged in an alleyway and stabbed and instead of blood and flesh, they see sparks and wires.

What are Duplicants, you might ask? (SKIP THIS SECTION IF YOU WISH TO AVOID SPOILERS FOR A TV SHOW THAT RAN IN THE EARLY TO MID 90S, OR IF YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT) They were these pliant robotic clones from BTAS, sort of like Synths from "Fallout 4", that H.A.R.D.A.C. tried to replace key Gothamites with in the 2-part episode "Heart Of Steel", as a prelude to replacing all of mankind with them, thus "curing" mankind of all its ills. In the follow-up episode "His Silicon Soul", (SPOILER ALERT FOR THE FULL PLOT OF THE EPISODE) a Duplicant of Batman wakes up in a crate in some warehouse in Gotham (there's a lot of those) and stops a robbery, and eventually finds out he's mechanical.

Poor guy goes through all this angst, thinking he's the real Bruce Wayne and is stuck in a robot body somehow, and in his detective investigations he finds A. He's not the real Bruce Wayne (according to the man who built H.A.R.D.A.C. in the first place) and B. A chip containing the last backup of H.A.R.D.A.C.'s consciousness that his programming forces him to put it into his data drive. (Literally, his hand moves of its own accord and he's trying to stop it with the other.) He then gets brainwashed by the H.A.R.D.A.C. remnant, fights Batman in a greenhouse (I think?) and almost uploads H.A.R.D.A.C. to the Bat Computer before the real Batman returns, Batman manages to convince him they aren't that different after all and both care about human life (Robo-Bats saved a dude while the greenhouse was collapsing), then there's this brief bit where the fight resumes and Robo-Bats thinks he killed Real Bats, he has a full on sobbing breakdown, and smashes the Bat-Computer so H.A.R.D.A.C. wouldn't be able to upload to the Internet and eradicate mankind, presumably killing H.A.R.D.A.C. or at least corrupting the fuck out of his files. By so doing, his circuitry was fried by electrocution. Robo-Bats sacrificed himself so mankind could live, and the episode ends with Real-Batman saying to Robin that he (Robo Bats), had a soul. "A soul of silicon, but a soul nonetheless." Roll credits.

I appreciate the explanation and the coverage of what happens in the show (as well as the warnings for spoilers for those who are trying to watch it).

It is an interesting dimension to add to where some Duplicants are unaware of their non-human status. To add onto their issues with identity (because suddenly learning you're not human would fuck with your mind), they also have consider the legal aspect of whether they have rights. They have to consider the social aspect of whether humans consider them capable of emotions and thoughts. It's so incredibly fucked, but in a compelling way.

I saw someone mention how cool it would be for an AU where Bruce basically pulled an Astro Boy (created a robot replicate after Jason dies) and thus creates Tim. You can add that idea, but instead H.A.R.D.A.C. tried made a Duplicate of Robin before Dick became Nightwing or before Jason dies.

I don't know much about this canon material, but there's a few ways to play around with what memories Tim does have:

He could have memories closer to the Tim of JJ so his backstory is closer to Jason's

He could only have the memories of "Robin" and this is how Tim finds out he's not actually Robin. He runs away, gets adopted by the Drakes, and "grows up" that way

Tons to play around with.

Anyways, Tim, who was supposed to be Robin's duplicate, knocks on Bruce's door post Jason's death. This causes Angst, obviously, especially because Tim looks eerily similar to a younger Jason or Dick.

[obanais-koibito]

𝐔𝐃𝐌𝐓𝐏 𝐀𝐔 𝐌𝐮𝐳𝐚𝐧 𝐅𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐬 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐀 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐚

ℛℰ𝒬𝒰ℰ𝒮𝒯ℰ𝒟

Muzan had recently left the Infinity Castle in order to search for the blue spider lily. He was the only one that could go out in public without being detected since he had a human disguise which meant that the UpperMoons were unable to join him. The UpperMoons were originally worried about his safety but when he was taking longer than he said he would, their heart rates began to skyrocket.

They were arguing and debating if they should go out and search for him or listen to his orders and wait for his return. They were all cut off when they heard someone enter the room and the room was filled with the metallic scent of blood. The all saw Muzan stumbling into the room with bloody gashes littering all over him and a horrified expression printed onto his face. They began to rush towards him when he then fell to the ground not moving. 

𝐃𝐚𝐤𝐢

Daki had a mental breakdown, she began sobbing and lightly shaking Muzan to wake him up

Her heart was torn to pieces that he was hurt this bad and she was devastated that she couldn’t be there for him, she felt like a failure 

While he was in a coma, she would visit him everyday and stay there as long as she was able to

She was extremely grateful that he survived but she couldn’t help but feel guilty

She would pretend that he was awake and listening to her while she told him all about her day, it was her way of coping

She was in the room when he woke up and she was filled with great amounts of joy and relief that he had woken up

She would hug him tightly and begin crying while apologizing over and over again

𝐆𝐲𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐨

He was in shock, yes he knew that Muzan was easily scared and sometimes even clumsy but he was also very powerful

He couldn’t help but wonder who or what did this, he was angry that someone dared to do this to his master

He saw how sad Daki was so he would sometimes accompany her when she would visit Muzan

He was both angry and sad about Muzan’s current condition, the being that did this to his master was still roaming out there

One day, he heard Daki yell which provoked him to go check on her and he saw her hugging Muzan who was now awake

He was filled with relief and when Muzan was back to full health, he was going to attempt to figure out who did this

𝐆𝐲𝐨𝐤𝐤𝐨

He was filled with despair and sorrow when he saw Muzan like this

He couldn’t believe that someone would do this to someone as kind hearted as Muzan

He would frequently visit Muzan, bringing him new pots that he made earlier that day

Whenever he began painting a new pot, guilt and sorrow would was over him and cause Gyokko to feel nothing but sadness

When he heard that Muzan finally woke up, he was thankful and greeted him with a smile

He hoped that this never occurred again because he couldn’t handle the thought of Muzan being in such pain

𝐇𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐮

He was terrified for Muzan’s well being and of what possibly could have done this to someone as powerful as Muzan

Every night, he was scared that he would wake up and hear that Muzan died or the being coming back and harming him or Muzan again

He would visit Muzan a couple times but sometimes, he was too busy crying to even get off the ground

He prayed that Muzan would wake up and live because he had no clue what he would do if Muzan ended up dying

He then heard loud yells which caused him to grow terrified and he went and hid

He hid for almost two hours before deciding to come out and when he did, he saw the others fawning over the now awake Muzan

𝐍𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐦𝐞

She remained silent as a single tear fell down her face, she couldn’t accept that Muzan had the possibility of dying 

Like Daki, she would visit him everyday although she couldn’t stay for more than 10 minutes since it hurt her so much

She would play her biwa to Muzan’s sleeping form to let him know that she’s there

Everyday she wondered if this was the day that he will finally wake up

When he did wake up, she was extremely relieved and even let tears fall, she promised herself to be more careful and defend Muzan to the best of her abilities 

𝐀𝐤𝐚𝐳𝐚

He was filled with rage and took his anger out on everyone around him

He felt like a failure and would downplay his own abilities while hot salty tears streamed down his face

He blamed no one but himself and knew he had to make it up to Muzan somehow

He couldn’t bring himself to visit Muzan because he felt that Muzan despised him for not being there to protect him

When he woke up, Akaza was incredibly thankful and wanted to visit him but he felt that Muzan wouldn’t want to see him so he just listened to the cries of joy from the others

𝐃𝐨𝐦𝐚

He was puzzled, yes he pranked Muzan multiple times with little to no sympathy but he still felt bad

It was pretty boring without Muzan around to prank and Douma was sad

Douma eventually became quiet and reserved since he had no source of entertainment, he was so bored and wished he woke up

When he heard Daki scream that Muzan was awake, his frown immediately turned upside down and his original personality was back 

Even though he wasn’t allowed to enter Muzan’s room, he was still happy that his source of entertainment has returned

𝐊𝐨𝐤𝐨𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐛𝐨

He was the one who carefully carried Muzan to his room and tended to his wounds

He was the most worried one out of them all because Muzan was like his younger brother and if he died, Kokoshibo would believe that it was all his fault

He would go out and hunt down whoever or whatever harmed Muzan and if he found it, he would kill it the most brutal and painful way he could

But if he was unable to find the being that did this, he would ask Muzan when he woke up to see if her remembered anything

After this incident, he would become Muzan’s full time bodyguard 24/7 no matter where Muzan is

[lostbutterflyutau]

She’s the Albatross… She is here to destroy you

This is part one of what I call the “Head Family Trifecta” of The Tortured Sohma Family Department. When put together, The Albatross, Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me, and The Prophecy tie together the stories of the head family, Akira, Ren, and Akito.

Since I would like to go in order, we’re starting with a lyrical analysis/essay about Ren’s song, “The Albatross.”

Full disclosure. I did have to do a bit of research on some parts of the symbolism from others’ perspectives, but ultimately, I will be laying out a lyrical breakdown of the song from Ren’s point of view. In other words, I will be getting into her head and how she sees things pre-canon.   However, it doesn’t mean I justify anything Ren does in the canon story. I just think the parallels in the song and story are fascinating.

Wise men once said, “Wild winds are death to the candle. A rose by any other name is a scandal.” Cations issued, he stood Shooting the messengers They tried to warn him about her

These wise men she’s referring to are the staff and any family members who were against Akira and Ren’s relationship. The old faction. As revealed in chapter 115, they had a very specific set of traits they were looking for in any woman wishing to marry into the family. Traits that Ren didn’t meet in their eyes. Ren was the “wild wind,” and the “scandal,” someone not from an elite family (not even close) and certainly not trained to be a proper wife for the head of the family. She had been a servant. One who had, to the traditional family, overstepped her bounds.

But beyond that, she is also a woman who we see can’t be easily controlled. In her relationship with Akira, this is reinforced by her pushing past their words to go after what she wants. And despite the cautions issued, Akira chose to peruse his relationship with Ren.

Cross your thoughtless heart Only liquor anoints you She’s the Albatross She is here to destroy you

I take this to be Ren echoing things said by the opposers mentioned earlier. Often, when one says “cross my heart,” it means that they are being genuine, either in telling a truth or in their intent to fulfil a promise. But it’s also important to note “thoughtless,” which often means not showing consideration for others in a negative sense. However, I think her it’s more meant to be Akira’s naivety. From the little we know, he was sickly and sheltered and given the way the family was looking to approve a marriage partner, I’d wager that he didn’t have much agency in the way his life panned out, similar to Akito before her turnaround. She says in season 3 episode 7 that, “This is the life they gave me! No one ever offered me another one!” And I think the same may have been true for her father before her, minus being told he was special and being allowed to abuse people.

Being anointed is a spiritual process. Because we know that Akira was frail and sickly, I’m going to take it as “anointing the sick” with not a literal liquor, but a metaphorical one. In romances, love is sometimes described as “intoxicating” and we know Ren loves him to an obsessive degree (even after his passing), so it’s this love, this passion of hers that acts as the liquor anointing and corrupting the naïve Akira in the family’s eyes. 

Combine this all together and it’s people thinking and saying that Akira needs to be saved from Ren. Back to chapter 115, the head maid warns him to not be tricked by a woman such as Ren, likely believing her to be someone who would bring down the family in some way. Though I don’t get the vibe that she was ever a gold digger or power seeker (since she never mentions going after power and her feud with Akito is over personal reasons), I wouldn’t be surprised if the maids and family elders did see her as a usurper, stealing and tricking and “destroying” Akira and by proxy – the Sohma clan.

“One bad seed kills the garden One less temptress One less dagger to sharpen” Locked me up in towers But I’d visit in your dreams And they tried to warn you about me

The wise men speak again in the second verse. The bad seed mentioned is obviously Ren, and the “garden” is the Sohma clan. It’s a repeat of them saying her presence is a risk to the family. As mentioned before, several marriage proposals had already been vetted and turned down because they saw themselves as looking out for the family and Akira falling for Ren challenges the plans they had. Additionally, one less temptress/dagger to sharpen may refer to how Ren was seen as the temptress who “ensnared” Akira and walked into the garden unwanted and without shame, and so, the metaphorical daggers came out, starting what would later be the divide between Ren’s side and Akito’s (AKA the “old faction” and the “newcomers”).  

While we don’t directly see this, the idea that people tried to keep the couple apart is heavily implied given the way the old maid tells Akira not to be fooled by her. The “bad seed” who will spell trouble for the family and should remember her place. And that’s just what we’re given on screen, so to speak. Ren may not have been physically locked up or barred from seeing Akira, but they probablu did try and force her back into her box of being a “lowly servant.” Yet, despite this, they can’t control what happens in his dreams. And given how obsessive her love is shown to be, of course she would believe he was dreaming about her and that, even in those dreams, the voices tried to break them apart.

We’ve already gone over the chorus that repeats here, so I’m going to skip over it and go right to,  

Devils that you know Raise worse hell than a stranger She’s the death you chose You’re in terrible danger

This part is rather simple. People that are close can be more dangerous than strangers. In the Sohma clan, this phrase rings very true. Even though they try and live in their own world, the truth is that those in the inner family are probably more dangerous, especially considering the ones surrounding Akira who are dictating his life and future. It’s them that are raising hell about the relationship. Not any of the other families they may be intertwined with. Not even people on the fringes of the inner circle. The staff and elders specifically connected to the main family.

Being a former attendant herself, I’m sure Ren knows this well and this is her being self-aware and acknowledging that by choosing her, it may stir up the ire of the family. Their inherent toxicity is that terrible danger.

And when that sky rains fire on you And you’re persona non grata I’ll tell you how I’ve been there too And how none of it matters

In Latin, “persona non grata” means “an unacceptable person.” In relation to Ren, what’s being said is that if the hate and criticism of the elders ever wears down on him, she’ll be there. After all, she says herself that no one notices his obvious loneliness and that she’ll carry his pain. It’s the same here. She’s saying that she’s been there. She understands. She’ll have his back just as he has hers.

Wise men once read fake news And they believed it Jackals raised their hackles You couldn’t conceive it You were sleeping soundly When they dragged you from your bed And I tried to warn you about them

The fake news here is rumours. We know the clan talks, as shown by what I believe are Kureno’s parents speaking between themselves about the relationship in chapter 115. In short, people talk.

To make the connection, for context, jackals (wild canines) “raise their hackles” when their hair bristles up in an aggressive position to fend off predators. So, the “wise” men are being compared to angry dogs who think that they’re doing the right thing and fending off the predator (Ren). And though she said in an earlier verse that none of their words matter, there’s also maybe a touch of guilt there for not being able to truly shield him from it all. Because as much as she says they were happy and she would take his pain, she also can’t fully protect him from feeling it.

So I… Crossed my thoughtless heart Spread my wings like a parachute I’m the albatross I swept in at the rescue

The devil that you know Looks more like an angel I’m the life you chose And all this terrible danger

In this last chorus, Ren flips the script. She’s now talking about herself and embracing being the albatross. In this case, “thoughtless” goes back to meaning “not showing consideration for others’ feelings.” Because she doesn’t care about what the family says/thinks/feels. This woman who was seen as the devil by so many has risen in her own kind of power (in her mind) by saving Akira from his loneliness and presumably whatever loveless marriage the family wanted to plan. To him, she’s an angel. Akira chose her.

However, despite their happiness, they still have the overall toxicity of the Sohma clan to contend with. It’s a bittersweet ending. They have each other. They’re happy. But also still part of this awful environment.

(This terrible danger) So cross your thoughtless heart She’s the albatross… She is here to destroy you

[akane-kurokawa]

Chapter 147 thoughts!

Ruby not recognizing Kamiki is weird and disappointing tbh. The man looks literally just like Aqua, Akane spotted it at a glance. She’s been acting against Aqua pretending to be this man for months, it feels so contrived that she doesn’t recognize him.

Speaking of contrived, this entire conversation feels so out of no where? No one’s been talking about any of their thoughts this entire arc, but once Ruby steps out with (from her perspective) some stranger, she unloads everything on her mind.

Some of his responses are a bit interesting, I’m curious to learn more about his perspective, and how he feels about his children (especially since the writing keeps baiting the idea of Ruby being a future target) but I can’t get over how forced and out of place this whole scene is.

This isn’t confirmation that he’s attempting on her life to me, solely because I REFUSE to think Kamiki is that dumb. In broad daylight, in public??? On a whim??? If Kamiki is the 5d chess player the story is trying to make him out to be he can’t be doing goofy shit like this.

Oh hey Akane, we thought you were dead.

Seriously I’m glad to see her again, and I’m even more glad that she was actually doing something while in off screen purgatory. I’d like to get more information next chapter on what she’s been up to and what (if fucking anything) she’s managed to learn from her backslide from Private Investigator into stalker.

Also Nino! She was just like… hiding away in the rain during the earlier scene ig, but I’m glad she’s here. If she, Kamiki, and Kaburagi have some evil alliance or whatever I’ll be so thrilled, that’s hilarious.

Confirmation of Aqua’s plan! If this had been said near the beginning of the movie I would’ve said that I called it, but honestly, this contradicts Aqua’s actions this entire arc in my eyes. Aqua goes out of his way in both the writing and acting to portray Kamiki as sympathetically as humanly possible, to the point where even the real world audience of Oshi no ko feels for him. He’s been humanized even more than Ai, who was the one this movie was SUPPOSED to humanize.

And wow, there goes the rest of filming I guess. We ended up not going in order after all, which makes that line about chronological filming only more confusing. There goes the big “forgive or not forgive” moment that had been built up since the beginning of the arc. Whatever.

With the filming arc over, I wanted to give me thoughts on it in specific, at least my current thoughts. Many in the server are planning a reread and I’ll probably do one as well.

First, the good. I think the artwork in this arc has been some of the best in the series, especially during the filming itself. Ruby’s breakdown as Ai and Frill’s performances as Airi are my biggest highlights.

I think there’s a lot of compelling setup in this arc, Nino is a fantastic character and im thrilled that her chapter we got before won’t be the end of her relevance. I also enjoyed meeting Ai’s mother, even if it was briefer than I would’ve liked.

I have two main problems with this arc that I think mostly come down to its structure. While a lot of it was strong setup for later arc things, despite being the longest arc in the series, it hardly had substance of its own. We set up the incest arc, set up Kana getting marketed differently, set up Akane’s big stalker adventure, set up for Aqua’s entire plan, set up for Kamiki’s entire plan.

What did we resolve this arc? Kana’s jealousy? Not really, she just lashed out about it and Ruby said “Nuh uh” and it was done. It feels like we spent all this time doing nothing, in an arc that had so much worthwhile material to cover that it chose to skip instead.

That said, I believe the FILMING is over, but we’ll probably have to do test screenings and marketing and so on. I’m hoping that we’ll be expanding on those skipped scenes and lack of character thoughts on them in the future, but this arc has just been a series of me going “oh they skipped that? That sucks, I hope they do it later” and while I suppose they can with some of those things, I doubt it’ll be getting closure on EVERYTHING I’ve said that about.

Either the next arc will be another really good one, paying off all the setup from this wet blanket of an arc, or it’s the beginning of the end and the conclusions won’t live up to the mysteries that have been dangling in front of us all series.

Regardless of which it is, I plan on sticking it out until the end. I may have to start lowering my expectations I think, I was expecting more from this series than an arc like this. I wouldn’t be so harsh on it if it didn’t have as much potential as it does.

[eaeulfl]

Spoiler for those who haven’t finished season 4 part 3/the last two episodes

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I just finished the last episode and my mind is a hot mess.

I’m probably going to miss some things but here are some of the stuff I have an opinion about:

1. Regarding armin/erwin my thoughts remain unchanged. Despite feeling strongly about it, I gave the series the benefit of the doubt when erwin got killed. I wanted to see if I was wrong. I would’ve been happy about it. In the end armin turned out to be as effective of a commander as a ten year old. The fact of the matter is that he couldn’t do much in the end. He had a number of breakdowns, he wasn’t able to control or utilize the colossal titan as well as bertholdt could in the past, he slipped up that time he was doing a little pep talk with yelena in the background, his biggest plan all along was always to “talk it out first” but that failed too, etc. Eren still did what he wanted and people still died. Except for blowing up the dock and when he tried to sacrifice himself so that falco wouldn’t get eaten by Connie’s mom, I don’t recall any other accomplishments that were of substance in season 4. It’s also possible that I’m just forgetting things because my mind is still racing right now and I’m still going through it emotionally, but for now my thoughts are unchanged. Can you imagine what it would have been like had erwin lived instead?

2. Connecting from the thought above, we can’t change that erwin died, but after finishing the series I can finally conclude that jean should’ve been the next commander. At the very least, he should have been made a vice commander. First of all it’s not impossible that floch survived all of that, but it’s pretty convenient that he did so he could shoot at the fuel tank in order to create a situation where the rumbling would catch up to them. In this situation it was also pretty convenient that Levi had been injured so badly he couldn’t be the one to fight, so as the commander hange decided she had to go, which was apparently a suicide mission because of the temperature around the colossals. I’m going to keep it 100% real here and say the circumstances leading up to this point of armin getting handed the commander’s seat were pretty convenient. Levi whose instincts were so great he managed to remain more or less unscathed for most of the series including when he had to fight kenny, he really didn’t see zeke using the lightning spear coming? And even then he couldn’t dodge it? Despite years of remaining unscathed under different circumstances that were just as if not more horrible? Levi who, along with mikasa, was the first to notice and to react to the replica of the beast titan throwing its shots at them? I just found it a bit hard to believe. And Hange said in the end, “The position calls for a certain quality― a mindset of continuously pursuing understanding”, and I admit armin did have this, but are we really going to ignore what hange also said earlier in the series just so it fits the current narrative? In season 3 when they were arguing about who to give the injection to, hange held mikasa back saying armin was indeed exceptional, but that he lacked the leadership and experience that erwin had. At least from my pov, armin didn’t really change much from the second half of season 1 to season 4. Jean on the other hand, has proven himself numerous times in this regard. He’s a quick thinker, reliable, practical, and passionate - all the qualities of a good leader. No doubt jean isn’t perfect, but imo he’s definitely more suitable. Let’s also not forget jean too has his moments of “pursuing understanding”. There are probably more than I can think of at the moment, but the ones that come to mind immediately are that scene at the end of season 1 which has really stuck with me ever since, when he asked armin if abandoning your humanity was the only way to win, and if eren did become that monster would that really be a victory for humanity, and then that other time when they were in the cell and jean asked mikasa and armin if eren hurting them had some sort of meaning behind it. I wouldn’t say jean is the smartest or the wisest character in the series, but he’s not brainless. Far from it. For some reason, and I’m guessing maybe because he can be short tempered at times, more often than not people don’t really talk about his quick thinking or about the important questions that he’s asked.

3. This is totally unrelated to the series and it’s about naruto so if you’re not into that or if you haven’t seen naruto just skip this part because spoilers.

Before eren’s intentions were made clear I already kind of guessed how it would play out because it’s reminiscent of how itachi wanted sasuke to be the one to kill him so that sasuke would be a hero of the leaf despite being an uchiha. Eren saw the crew as the people most important to him, and for itachi sasuke was even more precious than konoha itself. Eren committed genocide, itachi massacred his entire clan and more. Eren hurt the crew and especially mikasa and armin on purpose, itachi hurt sasuke on purpose. There was of course a huge difference between their executions, and imo itachi played his part much much more skillfully than eren did and for far longer, but it’s an interesting parallel.

4. I found the ending a bit weird. I can kind of roll with it but compared to the majority of the series and how it built itself up up until that point, it honestly feels off. I understand why people thought it was a bad ending, but I also don’t think the author deserved hate for it. And I mean like, there are some really angry people. In most situations, and I’m generalizing here, it’s alright to have opinions and it’s alright to feel a certain way but to direct those feelings towards the author himself is taking it a bit far. It’s his freedom to write whatever. Let’s be happy we even got anything from him. Without the author there would’ve been nothing at all. I know from personal experience it can be overwhelming at times, but it’s going to be ok.

5. I don’t have a particular attachment towards zeke but I felt sorry seeing everything that he had gone through. I’m mentioning this only because I’ve never really talked about it I think. I’ve talked about some of the other characters but not so much about zeke’s past from what I can remember. Grisha and Dina were terrible parents, and him calling Tom ksaver “father” was really sad. I know he’s not the only one and I really don’t even like him all that much but he really had it rough.

6. I felt that the love interests weren’t written very well. I get mikasa cause she’s been obsessed with eren from the start, but we really only started to see eren’s supposed “interest” in her in season 4, and only in glimpses. There really isn’t a lot of material to fall back on. I always felt he saw her as more of a sister? Of course he’s shouted at her before that he wasn’t her little brother or something along that line, but I always felt he just saw her as family. The only thing I can think of from earlier seasons to support this pair is that time when eren first wrapped the scarf around her and he was blushing. I always saw that as more of like, he was kind of embarrassed to do something like that because for him the act was a bit intimate and they weren’t too familiar with each other, but I guess you could also see it as him blushing because he had a small crush on her. On top of this they lived together in the same house and grisha has referred to mikasa as his daughter, so I just found it a bit weird. Obviously they’re not actually siblings but they were kind of raised as brother and sister for some time, so. A bit weird from my perspective. What’s more is the dynamic itself doesn’t seem to be very healthy. But I’m not mad at people who ship them. That kind of romance is definitely possible, and they’re technically not related, so it’s whatever I guess. They were also very young still so in an ideal world I imagine their dynamic might’ve been able to change for the better as they matured. On the other hand armin and Annie I found even weirder. It just felt too sudden. I get that armin ate bertholdt so that could’ve contributed, and I get that Annie literally only had armin and hitch as company most of the time for literal years, but it’s still weird for me. Like good for them but I wish it could’ve been a bit more fleshed out.

7. I’ve said this before but I didn’t appreciate the parallels drawn between Erwin and Armin. They are entirely separate characters with entirely different motives. Connecting to what I said at point 1 armin was never able to “replace” erwin. Of course the same can be said for erwin, he was never going to be another armin. I feel the same way about the parallels drawn between Sasha and gabi. Again two entirely separate characters with entirely different motives. I can appreciate parallels but only if they’re written well. These just felt like forced propaganda.

There’s more but for now I’ll stop here cause this is getting a bit long and I’m really tired

[fanfic-obsessed]

Do the Loop de Loop

For our next bit of madness we have a recipe for a dark comedy or whump with a happy ending, depending on one's individual tastes. 

Our main ingredient is a time loop, specifically where Anakin Skywalker loops from the moment Padme dies in childbirth back to the moments before Order 66 goes out.  Now one could assume that the way to break the loop would be to save Padme, but one would be wrong. 

The way to break the loop is to get Cody and Obi Wan to admit their feelings for each other.

Now it starts pretty dark, a little bleak with hints of bitterness and a touch of char.  Frankly I bet Anakin wouldn’t actually realize he is looping for a number of loops. He just thinks he is throwing himself back in time in the Force to Save Padme and it fails each time, never noticing that no matter when Padme dies he still is sent back from the exact same point (what would have been the moment that she died in childbirth the first time around).  Then one loop, frustrated and angry at his failures, Anakin just full on decapitates Palpatine. This is the first time that Padme lives all the way to the end of the loop. It is also the first time that Anakin realizes that he might not be the one causing the time travel.

Now Anakin Skywalker has the delusion of subtlety (as in he believes he is subtle and a good actor. He is not), is easily manipulated by the people he cares about, and is stubborn as a bantha when he gets an idea into his head. He is not, actually stupid, or unobservant when it he is interested in something (and he is very interested in keeping Padme alive).  Here are some patterns that Anakin learned during his first 500 time loops:

If both of his Masters (Obi Wan and Sidious) live, then Padme will die 92% of the time but she will almost always live until near the end of the loop. 

If Sidious lives and Obi Wan dies, Padme will die 98% of the time. Often by Anakin’s hand in a fit of temper. 

If both of his Masters (Obi Wan and Sidious) die, Padme will die 60% of the time and though he does not know the correlation, Obi Wan’s death has some effect on how Padme goes (the earlier Obi Wan dies, the earlier Padme does as well and if Anakin kills him, he almost always ends up killing Padme as well). 

If Obi Wan lives and Sidious dies, Padme dies only 15% of the time and those times tend to be when Anakin falls to the dark or murders the younglings first. 

Eventually, and it takes a very long time, Anakin realizes that his men are not acting right. Another dozen or so loops and he learns about Order 66 and the chips. As he keeps looping to moments before the order is activated, he cannot stop it from going live. It takes time, many time loops for him to learn how the chips work and the orders. He also learns that he can give the Orders.  Once he does, he tries to stop Order 66.

For a number of loops he tries deactivating the Order as soon as he can. More often than not he succeeds but finds that a large portion of the troopers, realizing that they either shot or were about to kill their Jedi, take their own life. It takes multiple loops for Anakin to figure out the Order to get the troops to stand down, without releasing them from the chip's control. Towards the end of the loop he has it down to a science, and knows the timing so well that nearly no Jedi or troopers die. 

The turning point for this set of loops (stand down instead of release) comes during a loop where Anakin kills Palpatine and immediately contacts Cody to free the troopers. It is too late to prevent them from shooting Obi Wan off a cliff, and as soon as Cody realized what he had done he shot himself in the head.  The breakdown that Obi Wan had when he got back in contact, after returning to Coruscant, when he found out what had happened was the first inclink that Anakin had of how deep the connection between the two ran.

Now by the time he is making sure to save the Jedi, Anakin is no longer in danger of falling to the Dark. This is almost solely due to a set of loops (equaling literal years worth of time) where Anakin sought out the best therapist he could find, ignoring everything else. This set was preceded by no less than 6 straight loops where he lost his temper and killed his wife. At the end of those six loops he screamed at the top of his lungs that he just wanted to stop killing his wife, a random being looked at him funny and told him ‘it sounds like you need therapy’ and he latched onto that with a zeal. Early in this set of loops he asks the therapist, the receptionist, and the patient with the therapist each for something he could tell them so they wouldn’t argue with his declaration that he is trapped in a time loop, and that he needs help.  While very strange from the point of view of the Therapist, the receptionist, and the patient, Anakin is actually able to explore his issues (Six months later the patient meets Anakin, Ahsoka, and Obi Wan by chance. The being blinks at them and says, apropo of nothing, that they feel as if they know way too much about the three of them but have no idea how or why. Anakin is a bit embarrassed, but takes the time to explain as he had grown relatively close to the patient, the therapist and the receptionist during his time getting stable). 

After all these sets of loops he finally starts trying to figure out how to stop the loop. He starts asking for advice from some very confused and often very random people about things that could stop a time loop (Most would have said that a time loop was a work of fiction). At one point he even discusses it with Palpatine, but says that since Palpatine’s death greatly improves Padme’s survival it seems cruel to ask him for advice (After his therapy loops Anakin decides that he is not going to waste time on hating Palpatine). He talks to the still living Jedi Council members on Coruscant no less than 6 times to varying degrees of exasperation to all those involved.  He starts just solving problems (like Palptine being alive and Order 66) and “Problems” (the two senators two floors downs from the Chancellor were not actually fighting, it was foreplay, so having the ‘Man with no Fear’ burst in and try to hold an intervention or a mediation was not helpful…or wanted) at random, hoping to stumble on the magic action that would stop the loops. 

It should be noted that each loop after Anakin realized how, was started by killing Palpatine and stopping Order 66. Unless it was to test an action that required one or both of those events. 

In one of the last few loops he speaks with Cody, who looks at him and asks in a voice so deadpan that it was practically an emotion on its own, “Have you tried consulting the Force?” before he went back to hovering protectively over Obi Wan.

Anakin never knew if Cody was trying to kriff with him or not. It is, however, an idea. 

Anakin spends the next loop trying to commune with the force, two loops after that trying to remember enough of what Obi Wan taught him about meditating to commune with the Force. Then four loops after that, having Obi Wan teach him the basics about meditating again. 

Finally he manages to commune with the Force, which is giggling. Though he had no way of knowing it had been getting steadily lighter with Anakin.   He is treated to a series of impressions in which it becomes abundantly clear just how much pining both Obi Wan and Cody are leaking into the Force. 

The first loop that he tries to get the two of them to admit their feelings (apparently telling them both that it was the will of the Force that they kriff was a very bad idea, poor phrasing all around) fails so badly that Anakin has to take the two subsequent loops off AND Cody continues to look askance at him for three loops after, in spite of not remembering.  It does show Anakin that Obi Wan is capable of falling to the dark side, and that Evil Obi Wan is utterly terrifying. Also, it turns out that Obi Wan serves as the moral compass for all of the Clones, roughly a quarter of the Jedi, and what seems to be a tenth of the galaxy.  It ends in a frankly terrifying role reversal where Anakin is shot by Cody, but only after Anakin removes Obi Wan’s head from his shoulders after tracking them to Mustafar.  

Anakin would like it known that while killing Palpatine has been very therapeutic, killing Obi Wan was not, in spite of how the first loop so long ago ended. 

It takes three more failure loops, thankfully none as catastrophic as the first, before Anakin hits on the idea to do some actual reconnaissance. By this point he knows exactly what to say to just about everyone he can reach during the loop to make them believe that he is in a time loop. He does not always let on but it does simplify things when he needs to explain quickly (Anakin was surprised to learn that something like 80% of the Jedi have a codeword for ‘the person stating this codeword is trapped in a time loop’. He is starting to think that his missions were not as unusual as he thought).   He spends a number of loops with Obi Wan and Cody individually then a number of loops with the two of them together to figure out why they are so heavily in denial (Many reasons, both logical and not) and how to break them of that denial without sending Obi Wan into another breakdown. 

He does try once and only once to replicate that first try, sending Obi Wan to the Dark to see if that is legitimately how they would admit to their feelings. Anakin makes it almost to the end of the loop before he kills Cody himself before Obi Wan can admit to anything and make this the end of the loops. The death toll was too high.  

At last, after countless loops, Anakin finally finds the right sequence of events to get the Codywan confession. This includes, but is not limited to: Killing Palpatine, Stopping Order 66 by ordering a stand down (the timing is tight on this one but Anakin has gotten it down to an art form and no Jedi are lost to Order 66),  using an Order he found where the clones will repeat a specified message (“We are currently being controlled by an inhibitor chip in our brains, an order was sent out to kill all the Jedi but was stopped by a stand down Order issued by Anakin Skywalker. I have no other information at this time.”), Confessing to his marriage and near future children (in a few of the loops Padme went into labor earlier, so he knows that it is twins) to the Jedi Council(the relationship is not a surprise, nor is the pregnancy, the legal marriage moreso), Confessing to the Tusken Massacre and agreeing to heavy duty therapy and reparations, getting a clone rights bill pushed through unnaturally fast (the two senators from earlier controlled a good chunk of the senate through bribery, did not want anyone to know about their midafternoon tryst, and were wanted Anakin to go away), talking to Cody and Obi Wan individually and the finally together about their concerns. 

It ends with both Anakin and Obi Wan choosing to leave the Jedi Order eventually.

Anakin finds that the poison that Palpatine had been so careful to feed him regarding the Jedi Order as a whole is just a hair too pervasive for him to be comfortable there again. Even knowing that it is all false does not prevent him from automatically believing the worst of any rules that the Jedi Order has, no matter how reasonable. He finds that it is not healthy for him or the Jedi Order.  He finishes his reparations for the Tusken Massacre and leaves the Order when the Twins are almost five. 

For Obi Wan he is…so tired. To him it feels like he has gone nonstop since he was a kid. He also has a slightly skewed view of what it means to be Jedi, some of which came from Qui Gon Jinn, some came from being bonded to Anakin as he was being poisoned against the Order by Palpatine.  He still believes in the Jedi way and the Code, but truly feels he is no longer capable of being a ‘good’ Jedi. Like with Anakin it is not an immediate process. Obi Wan is still driven by his responsibilities. He makes sure that the clones are situated, as safe and happy as they could be, he helps to find a replacement for himself and the counselors that died fighting Palpatine. He makes plans for after leaving, and he has a series of panic attacks when some of the Jedi counselors suggest reforming the Order and the Code to make him more comfortable in staying (There was something fundamentally wrong to Obi Wan about the Order changing to keep one being, no matter who it is. If the Order was to change it should do so for the betterment of the Order as a whole). Finally, three years after the war ends, Obi Wan formally leaves the Jedi Order.  He has obtained permission for himself, Cody, and a dozen clones from what had been the 212th to visit and study old Force Sect ruins and temples, both of the light and the dark. 

The sleep cycle after their departure from Coruscant, curled up with Cody, is the first time in over a decade that he has been able to completely relax.

[bloodboonfic]

Analyst(hopeful) asked:

Hey a while back somewhere around chapter 20 you said you were a bit over halfway done. Where are you now by comparison? I also believe you said that you have more plot points to hit rather than a chapter count, so unfortunately you likely don’t have a chapter count for how much is left. Oh well for anticipation purposes. Don’t worry I’m pretty sure I am guilty of the same thing regarding chapter count.

Also I have a writing question. I ask this to most other writers because it makes me want to pull my hair out and I am always trying to improve especially if I want to actually publish something one day fan-fiction or otherwise. How do you prefer to plot? 

I do have a question about your ideas about piglin fire tolerance in regards to Bloodboon. I’ve seen most writers chose the route of they still burn and some elaborate a bit more and chose the they still burn it just takes a bit longer than a human and their skin is a bit thicker. I prefer the second option because it makes sense.

I am currently less overwhelmed by questions right now. I am more overwhelmed by the amount of whump you are throwing Technoblade’s way. It hurts. Like all of his subconscious knowledge and conscious knowledge that he can’t make Philza happy and can’t keep the only friend he’s ever had because it is totally not a fair relationship coming to the front of his mind all the time and making him absolutely miserable. That water comparison of yours in the last chapter to tie strings so we could see his line and course of thinking was amazing. I hope it ends happily. 

Also update on my au that I keep running into plot issues which I fixed but… Apparently after some research …I think like someone with more minecraft background than I actually have and I’m actually a little disappointed. Nothing new under the sun I guess or I’ve already read too much minecraft fan fiction, specifically emduo.

~~~

The fic is at the end of the middle, I’d say. Techno and Philza still have one more Event until their friendship meter is maxed out. I suspect the whole fic will come to be just shy of 40 chapters.

Uhhh I don’t like, actively plot? It just sorta happens? When I have an idea, it usually kicks off as a premise, then Events come up, and then I think of connective tissue between the Events. And once it all has stewed in my brain for long enough, I put it down as a bullet point list, then move the bullets around so that Events with causality relations are in chronological order (eg. the scene at the flight range can’t happen before Philza’s feathers grow back), and then move the floater Events (eg. Philza interacting with a pigling child can happen whenever) so that the pacing becomes nice. I try to alter between chill and intense bits, to give the story the chance to breathe. Too much chill is dull and too much intense is exhausting, you gotta go back and forth. And also sometimes things Just Happen, Philza’s breakdown in Ch 11 was completely unplanned, it just Became. And then sometimes you need 500 more words to get acceptable posting length so whelp time for Techno to wax philosophical about bread or whatever.

Also I Can Not write non-chronologically. Scenes are written in the order in which they happen, unless there comes a realisation after the fact that Something needed to happen earlier. I’m pretty sure most people hop around instead of going strictly in order? But that does not agree with the shape of my brain.

I think piglins having higher fire tolerance than humans makes sense. If you live in a hellpit, you adapt or you die.

Yeah Techno’s not having a good time lately huh? Guess stealing a person does not have great long-term results! /j

Not sure what to say to your last point, but in any case, would be stoked to give your AU a read come time of posting!

-Anchestor

[justamagicalpurpleshark]

*SPOILERS* For Miraculous S5 Ep Pretension Ahead

You have been warned!!

This episode did a lot in favour of the sentimonster theory, and I was not expecting to get so much more evidence.

Like, Wow

This episode was clearly setting up something big about the family rings and the children who I believe are sentimonsters - or sentibeings as Felix puts it.

Let me tell you how sacred I was for our girl Kagami when she gave her ring back to her mother at the end of the episode. Thank the Kwamis that Felix came through with his magical ring duplication abilities :)

And boy, let me tell you that speech was pretty deep for a 'kid's show'

Felix really surprised me with his motivations. And proved my interpretation of Emotion correct (mostly) - although he does seem to have less information/knowlegde on the whole thing that I expected from his earlier appearances or maybe that was just in regards to Kagami, who knows

Speaking of, Feligami was kinda cute, although I really could have done without the hole *kidnapping* thing. But they do make a nice couple

But now the main reason why I had to make this post: Adrien being unable to dispbey his father and having an anxiety/panic attack about it. 10/10 favourite scene of the episode! On one hand, it perfectly shows the control Gabriel exerces over his son (he didn't even touch the ring) and how truly abusive it is on his part - also neither Plagg nor Marinette found Adrien's silent obedience strange which means its probably the usual, expected reaction for being ordered around by his father. But then his breakdown !!

Somebody give him a hug, the angst was real

On a lighter note, this scene alone gave so many points in favour of senti!Adrien that I can't even ahkfasrggrhr

So, yeah, have a meme i guess

[vickyvicarious]

So... this once again, is why I think Van Helsing not only should but could have spoken up earlier about the vampire thing. I get him feeling unsure at first whether his suspicions were correct, and I get not wanting to appear crazy, and I get thinking it would be too big an ask.

But it's about the context of the situation.

The context, until today, has been "Lucy is mysteriously dying and we don't know why." It wouldn't have worked immediately, but after a certain point Van Helsing could leverage the following:

she only gets worse at night

if one of us sits up with her, she does better

she loses massive amounts of blood, though there is nowhere for the blood to go

the garlic flowers helped when they weren't taken down

she has puncture wounds in her neck that she keeps covered

If he had confided in Seward after his breakdown when Mrs. Westenra took away the garlic flowers, the context of the assertion then is one in which Van Helsing is able to provide a diagnosis which goes hand-in-hand with a possible cure. Wildly unorthodox? Yes of course, but everything he wants to do, Seward has already been doing blind!

We've seen today that he is able to convince Jack to go along with helping him mangle her corpse with no explanation at all. I think the trust extends far enough to at least hold off on committing Van Helsing until they see whether Lucy gets better. Again, he wasn't doing anything outright harmful to her, just stuff that might seem odd. He could tell Seward to watch with him, and evaluate for himself whether VH's theory seems to be holding water. And then even if things progressed further, Seward would have a pattern for the changes in Lucy that he canonically noticed but couldn't account for.

If Van Helsing went to Arthur when Lucy was dying, do you think Arthur wouldn't have grasped any possible straw to save her? No, of course he would've. And if Arthur had been told more about the situation, he would've brought in Quincey earlier, who we've already seen is perfectly willing to think outside the box. No one would necessarily have believed him, but they would be a lot less likely to outright shut him down, and more likely to try anything in order to save Lucy.

That's... if Van Helsing had told anyone while she was still alive. But now, she's dead. The context is no longer "we need to save her somehow." The context is now "you are maligning her memory and calling her a monster."

Now that Lucy is dead, vampires are a much harder sell because no one wants to believe that the Lucy they loved so dearly is now an undead monster. They have no incentive to suspend judgement in the same way. Before, their reward for doing so was a possible cure. Now, the result of doing so is more a punishment - robbing them of the belief that she is at least resting peacefully now.

By waiting this long, Van Helsing has kind of painted himself into a corner where he has to wait even longer, until there is some kind of visible or verifiable evidence that Lucy is a vampire, because otherwise everyone is far more predisposed to not only disbelieve him, but to get angry at him for the very suggestion. They're no longer desperate; they're grieving.

And of course this wasn't his intent. He obviously hoped never to fail in the first place. But the sad part is that he might not have, if only he had shared information sooner.

[ultraericthered]

One Villainous Scene: Not Alright

[Feel I should start doing these types of posts at least once a month.]

In this case, the scene and character in question aren't "villainous" in the purest, most traditional sense of how you'd define that, but it comes off the heels of an antagonistic character acting in a very antagonistic way that makes him the closest thing to a villain this story has got despite him also being one of the six main characters. I'm of course referring to Atsumu Matsuyuki, AKA Yukiatsu, from the 11 episode anime Anohana: The Flower We Saw That Day.

For context, Yukiatsu was...more than a little bothered by hearing that his childhood ex-friend Jinta "Jintan" Yadomi, who he'd long been envious and resentful of, was allegedly able to see and communicate with the ghost of their deceased childhood friend, Meiko "Menma" Honma. We'd also been shown that Yukiatsu might have some skeletons in (literally) his closet. Then a few days back, Poppo caught a glimpse of Menma in the woods near the six friends old Secret Base, meaning Jintan isn't so special in this regard. And then Yukiatsu said he'd communicated with Menma too, but the actual Menma protests that Yukiatsu is lying. Now, at the end of Episode 4 and the start of Episode 5, we get the truth: the "Menma" that Poppo saw earlier who has been stalking around the forest and casting doubt on Jintan's claims about Menma...is, in fact, Yukiatsu with shaved legs and wearing a wig and dress in order to ressemble his deceased childhood sweetheart. Who could've seen that coming?

And that brings us to this scene, the moment where Yukiatsu finally shows us who he really is. Jintan tries to keep calm as he asks his old friend "are you alright?" And Yukiatsu. Mcfreaking. SNAPS, thrusting Jintan to the ground and putting a stranglehold on his neck, furiously asking "Do I seem alright to you?" More disturbingly, he proceeds to ask, in total seriousness, "Do I look like her? 'Cause you can SEE Menma, isn't that right? Say it! Do I look like Menma? Yes or no?", all with a completely unhinged look on his face. Once he's no longer strangling Jintan and is just holding him up by his shirt, Yukiatsu begins to break down in tears as he finally expresses why he finds Jintan's claims about ghost Menma so impossible to believe - he is convinced that if Menma's spirit rose from the grave and came back to the Earth, the person she'd want to visit, interact with, haunt or even curse would be him. Because according to Yukiatsu, it was his actions and something he'd said to Menma on that last day all six friends were together that directly led to Menma's following death. In his own words, he killed Menma. For years, Yukiatsu was racked with guilt over this and had a secret yearning for Menma to return to him, to make him face some divine punishment for it which would also serve as closure for him. But no matter how hard he hoped for it, he's never been able to see Menma, not even in his dreams. He seems far more hung up on the late Menma than Jintan ever was or could ever be, so to him it makes no sense why it'd be Jintan and not him that Menma would opt to appear to. By now, he's a weeping wreck.

There are, however, two good reasons why Menma went to Jintan and not to Yukiatsu. One is plot-based and revealed later on (has to do with Jintan's dead mother), but the other is left implicit: Yukiatsu has never been truly hung up on Menma, but on himself in direct relation to Menma. Every sentence out of Yukiatsu's mouth during this breakdown just oozes with self-absorption, self-obsession, and entitlement. His mind cannot fathom, cannot comprehend a scenario in which he is not made the center of his deceased friend's attention, in which he is not considered by the girl herself to be the friend who'd made the greatest impact on her and was the most crucial figure in her life, even if in a negative way that reflects poorly on him. He does not want to process the possibility that after death, Menma has rejected him in favor of Jinta Yadomi, just as he'd feared she'd do in life when they were children. Jintan remembers Menma for who she was, valued who she was, cares even now for who she was and is. Yukiatsu has been and remains fixated on Menma for what she was to him; his would-be trophy GF. An extension of his sense of self.

It's my belief that Yukiatsu is a psychopath, or close enough to one, as he hits off many boxes of the psychopathy checklist. He'd loved Menma as dearly as he could ever love someone, and deeply regrets his percieved part in her death with the most remorse he's capable of, as he is still only human. But not only do his consistent thinking and behavior showcase an inability to empathize with others and put their own feelings and individual personhoods on a level equal to his own, his actions in later episodes serve to undermine the purity of his feelings that this scene brings to the forefront, partcularly when he cajoles Anaru into getting the five living friends to re-enact the last time they were all together, right in front of Menma who he for 100% certainty knows is in there with them watching it all, mainly as a way to hurt Jintan. Such cruelty comes all too easy to him, and even when re-connected with his oldest friends, he seems to process life itself through the filter of "how does or can this relate to me?"

Yet the writing never simply makes him out to be a complete lost cause either, and that's also showcased beautifully in this scene. As he continues to weep, Menma walks over to Jintan and softly tells him something, prompting Jintan to announce out loud what she's saying to him. At first, Yukiatsu is getting aghast that even now, Jintan would mock him by "pretending" to see and hear Menma while he and none of the others can, but when Jintan mentions "that pretty hair clip", something that was only between Yukiatsu and Menma that Jintan could not possibly know of unless he heard it directly from Menma herself, he stands in shock, his tears dry, and he just...walks away. Like he needs to get back home and rethink everything. Even at his most deranged, Yukiatsu's heart can be reached, and his mind made to see reason and clarity, even if he is still a creep about it all.

Aside from the presence of the ghostly Menma as a supernatural occurance, Anohana is typically a very grounded and very believable anime, so this plot turn of a crazed, cross-dressing Yukiatsu so easily could've thrown it off for me. But as I watched it dubbed, what really saves and sells this moment for me is Ray Chase. He is astonishing with his voice acting for Yukiatsu and he holds nothing back in the character's bouts of madness. This man is so mad talented and so committed to his voice acting roles that his take on Yukiatsu elevates the character into almost a horror villain, which fits when you know that Chase would later provide the voice for an actual horror villain! This character, and this scene especially, really do belong to him, and so they linger in my memory, haunting me like Menma herself.

[monthofsick]

Hard to Stomach

Nov(emeto)ber 2022, Day 16: Bad food

OCs: Jamal, Nikita

Unsurprisingly, I am way behind schedule and had to miss out on a few days, but here we go again! It's kind of a personal spin on the prompt about how good food can be bad for you if consumed at the wrong time. As someone with chronic gastritis, I had to learn it the hard way. Several times. It also sounded like a perfect chance to explore the relationship between my boys Jamal and Nikita a little more.

TW: Vomit, health issues

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jamal didn't like changes at all, but lately, everything kept on changing. He was still obsessed with football and gave his all on the gridiron, it just wasn't the same since Nikita had left the team. Which was kind of absurd, considering Jamal couldn't stand the guy not so long ago. Nikita hadn't even been an active player after his concussion. According to the doctors, there was a higher risk of getting a similar or more severe head injury after the first one, so… it probably was for the best. It just sucked that Jamal himself had sparked the whole crisis.

Nikita's absence wasn't the only change for the worse in their college team. Since Jamal's breakdown from heat exhaustion, there was an unspoken obligation for everyone to pick sides. Needless to say, that had never been Jamal's intention. Of all people, he who tended to avoid conflicts like the plague was now right in the center of one. There were some teammates who blamed Brody for recording Jamal throwing up on the field. Others thought that Nikita had totally overreacted by hitting Brody for such an harmless act. They believed the trainer had been right to go off on Nikita for the physical attack, the opposition deemed it unfair – the coach should have intervened earlier and directed his rage towards Brody.

Despite a successful season, the team morale had hit an all time low. The trainer was cranky and Jamal, who had neither asked for getting sick from training in the scorching heat nor for Nikita to go into protection mode overdrive, had somehow become the eye of the storm. So far, Nikita was adamant about never talking to the coach again. He wasn't an easy person to read, so Jamal had no idea if his friend missed football or if he was actually indifferent about not being part of the team anymore.

It was high time for Jamal to get away from all the drama and clear his head. There was no better way to make the most of the mild fall than a day trip to the coast, so Jamal packed Nikita, some snacks and cool water and headed towards the shore. Recently, Nikita had locked himself away in his room even more than he usually did. A bit of sunshine and the fresh, salty sea breeze would definitely do him well.

After a pretty relaxing ride of not even two hours, they arrived at their destination and took some time to stroll along the pier. It was a pleasantly warm day that never ventured into hot and sweaty territory. Glittery patterns danced across the seemingly endless blue canvas. There was something deeply soothing about the vastness of the ocean that eventually blended into the horizon.

Noon approached fast and when it was time to fill their stomachs, Jamal and Nikita decided upon a small Thai eatery. It was off the beaten path along the seafront, huddled away in a winding alley. The food was way more affordable than what the well known tourist magnets served and the smell lingering in front of the entrance door was enough to make their mouths water. After sitting down at one of the rustic wooden tables, Jamal ordered a spicy noodle soup named Khanom Jeen Nam Ngiaw while Nikita opted for a green papaya salad.

"That is the life, huh?", Jamal sighed with satisfaction.

"Never been here before, no idea why." Nikita shrugged and leaned back. "It actually is kind of nice."

"You know what I love about you?", Jamal grinned. "Your boundless enthusiasm."

"Everyone says that's my best feature." The usual one-sided smirk curled up a corner of Nikita's mouth, but a thoughtful expression remained on his face.

"What's going on in that thick skull of yours?", Jamal asked, knocking against Nikita's forehead.

"A desire to be left alone by your knuckles." Nikita avoided Jamal's gaze just as much as he avoided the question. As he had avoided Jamal himself in the last few days, for that matter.

"Hey. Look at me, Nik." Jamal leaned over the table, put his hand on Nikita's chin and turned his face towards his own. "You don't want to see the trainer right now, I get it. Or the rest of the team. But why do I feel like you've been hiding from me as well?"

"I'm here now, aren't I?" Jamal could almost see the wheels turning inside of Nikita's head as he struggled with himself. After a particularly deep breath, Nikita finally looked up at Jamal again. "Are you mad at me?"

"Am I… wait. What?" This was not the answer – or rather, question – Jamal had expected. "Why would I?"

"Because I fucked up the entire team." Nikita exhaled audibly. "And don't say I didn't. Everyone's at each other's throat and coach asshole thinks it's gonna blow over if he ignores it long enough."

"I mean, you only went after Brody because he filmed me, so… isn't he the one who fucked up the team?"

"Truth is, no one cared before I punched him in the face." There was a crack in Nikita's matter-of-fact callousness. His anger hadn't fully turned into cynical resignation. "Coach would have probably scolded him a little if he had even noticed."

"The thing is, you can't just hit someone, especially not on your own team." Jamal scratched his head. "But then again, it's hard to be angry at you when you did it for me."

"If anyone else had protected you, there would have been no need to hit him. I wasn't even on the field in the first place. The trainer was. Pretty much any other player was."

"I don't think I need someone to protect me", Jamal said, unable to hold back a laugh. "I mean, have you looked at me?"

"I did, and that's exactly why I think… why I know that you need protection." Nikita stubbornly crossed his arms. "It's you and the rest of the world that doesn't look close enough."

"You are so weird."

"Doesn't change the fact that I'm right. You're just not used to being…" Nikita interrupted himself as a waiter brought two artfully arranged plates of food. Jamal noticed that even the reserved blonde couldn't help licking his lips in anticipation.

"Now dig in", Jamal smiled. "And stop worrying, alright? I'm not mad. Not at all. You don't mind control the entire team. If they keep on fucking up, it's their own fault."

"Plus they're too irrelevant to have a seat at this table." Looking a little more relaxed, Nikita munched away on the finely shredded green papaya, vegetables and roasted peanuts.

Jamal turned his attention to the steaming bowl of goodness in front of him – rice noodles in a dark red broth with tender pieces of pork ribs. There were cherry tomatoes, cilantro and pickled mustard greens, fried garlic and chili flakes. Other ingredients were harder to identify, something resembling smooth blood sausage and dried flowers tasting a bit like mushrooms. It all merged beautifully into a smoky, tangy and flavorful dish. Quite spicy and a little oily as well, which Jamal usually didn't mind. Today, he did feel a burning sensation in his stomach. Nothing too bad, though, and the soup was way too delicious to leave anything behind.

Nikita seemed to feel the heat as well – he was wiping his mouth (and nose) several times with his napkin. His pale cheeks were sporting a subtle flush, which was so not like him.

"Has a nice kick to it, hm?" Jamal couldn't supress a little grin.

"Nothing I can't handle", Nikita huffed. Just like Jamal, he finished his plate, then leaned back and put both hands on his abdomen.

"You know what? Let's get some ice cream to cool down our mouths", Jamal suggested while putting out his wallet as a sign that they were ready to pay.

"Sounds like a plan." Nikita seemed content, which was anything but a given. The relaxed seaside atmosphere seemed to rub off on him.

They treated themselves to homemade gelato at the waterfront, feet dangling from the harbor wall. And even though the hours flew by, the day felt like an entire miniature vacation. When the sun was near setting, it was time for them to make their way home. Driving along the coastline, Jamal felt a tranquil joy he had been missing for quite a while.

He had no idea that this was about to change in a pretty drastic manner.

-

It started innocent enough with a slight discomfort, then quickly spiraled out of control. A gnawing ache took hold of Jamal's upper abdomen. The safety belt had a constrictive tightness to it that put way too much pressure on the stomach. Jamal's lunch from hours ago was suddenly stirred up again with every bump in the road. A cold, nagging queasiness lingered in the back of his palate.

Trying to clear his throat, Jamal sent his body into a hiccup instead. His diaphragm spasmed harshly, forcing out the signature hic with every hitch of the chest.

"Need a sip of water?", Nikita asked and pulled a chilled bottle out of the air-conditioned glove box. He opened it and held it in front of Jamal's mouth so he could have a few sips without letting go off the wheel.

"Thanks", Jamal rasped. Drinking helped to get rid of the hiccup, but now there was even more liquid sloshing around in his belly. A throbbing nausea crept up Jamal's throat, tickling his uvula. He swallowed hard as a sour fluid burned through his esophagus and flooded his mouth. The situation was going from unpleasant to concerning way too fast. Jamal knew he had to pull over as soon as possible, but that was precisely the problem – they were on a busy highway during rush hour with no exit, lay-by or service station in sight.

Tiny droplets of sweat formed on Jamal's forehead and the steering wheel felt damp and slippery under his palms. With the current traffic situation, Jamal needed to focus on the road. That didn't dissuade his body from the firm decision that, for whatever reason, an emergency purge could not be postponed. The tell-tale contractions of Jamal's abdominal muscles vigorously squeezed his stomach until it propelled up a surge of dense liquid.

Jamal was at a loss at what to do. He clenched his teeth and gulped down the nasty sludge, but it instantly came back up again. His cheeks bulged out while his belly kept on jerking, relentlessly pushing up more and more vomit. Opening the window and leaning out to throw up would have been insanely dangerous. Even bending to the side to avoid drenching himself in the mess might have caused the car to swerve. And with his throat being currently used as a barf pipeline, Jamal couldn't warn Nikita that he needed a sick bag held in front of him immediately.

There was only so much Jamal's lips could do. His mouth was already filled completely, but the stomach contents kept on coming up until they finally burst out of him. With a sharp jolt, Jamal expelled a flood of puke all over his lap and shoes. The lips he had pursed in an effort to hold everything in now acted as a nozzle to project the vomit even further, splattering on the steering wheel and dashboard.

"…the fuck?" Nikita was clearly hit by surprise. After feeding Jamal the water, he had turned towards the window again and missed out on the warning signs. Once Nikita got over the inital shock, he started looking around for any kind of container. "Where the hell is that coming from?"

"Du-dunno", Jamal coughed before he was overtaken by the next heave. Determined to keep his head straight and his eyes on the road, he just let the vomit pour out of his mouth. The reddish broth stung like ant venom. It did always burn twice, just not in the place Jamal had expected. The noodles only made things worse during their forced return. Jamal had to gargle and gag them up until the long, slimy strands slipped out of his mouth and splatted on his jeans.

"Ah, whatever." Nikita gave up his futile search – it was too late to protect the car and Jamal himself from the onslaught of undigested food. He put his hand on Jamal's shoulder instead, rubbing his upper arm and the parts of his back he could reach. "I owe you a car cleaning anyways from my last puke attack, so don't even worry about it. Just let the stuff out."

"Why – why does it always – urrrrrrck – have to happen… in my car?", Jamal groaned. He had experienced first hand how persistent the sour stench had been after driving a very pukish Nikita to the hospital when the blonde had his concussion. Big difference was, the poor guy couldn't possibly have helped it at the time. Nikita had been in and out of consciousness from his head injury, but what was his own excuse? It was highly unlikely that Jamal was hit by his very first bout of carsickness while being the driver himself and he had never reacted to spicy food in such an explosive manner. If it was a stomach flu, he would have probably felt weak and feverish, which he didn't. Just sick to his stomach and raw on the inside.

"It's kind of our thing, isn't it?" Nikita put on a crooked smile. "Now stop thinking about it already. I'll treat your car to a professional cleaning session if it makes you feel better."

It was hard to feel better while sitting in a rapidly cooling puddle of his own vomit, but Jamal was still grateful. He was also relieved that Nikita didn't laugh or snap at him. The nausea combined with the fiery heat of chili was bad enough already. Now that Jamal's irritated stomach was constantly subjected to harsh contractions, it hurt even more. His body wasn't ready to show him any mercy. With another painful spasm, Jamal burped up the next gush of chunky soup. It ran down his chin and soaked his chest with spicy broth and soggy bits of meat.

"Yeah, that's it, throw it all up." Nikita's cool fingers caressed Jamal's neck. "If your lunch bothers you, there's no faster way to get rid of the stuff than vomiting it out."

If only it hadn't been the most unpleasant way as well. It was not like Jamal was given a choice anyways, he had to let his body do its job and sit it out until the bitter end. His entire meal came up in splashes of liquid with more or less lumps, flowing from his mouth with gag after gag. It was a draining process, in every sense of the word. And the end was indeed quite bitter when Jamal puked mucoid bile that tasted repulsive enough to trigger several dry heaves.

"So-sorry", he panted when his stomach was finally done emptying itself. "We… should probably clean up at the next rest area so you don't have to endure the stench for the entire drive."

"It smells pretty foul, but I can handle it." Nikita opened the window on his side, letting in a stream of fresh air. "Should have done that earlier, I guess. The rest's up to you to decide. You're the one covered in barf, if you want to get rid of it, I'm here to help. If you prefer getting home as quickly as possible, I'm fine with it as well. Stink isn't lethal."

"You sure?" Jamal actually couldn't wait to get home. Marinating in his own congealed sick for another hour wasn't exactly an enticing prospect, but still better than the humiliation of trying to get rid of the mess in public.

"Do I look like someone who lies just to make you feel better?" Nikita had found a slightly crumpled paper napkin and reached over to wipe Jamal's mouth and chin. Then he pointed at Jamal's upper belly, just below the breastbone. "Does it also hurt somewhere around here?"

"It does, how do you know?" Even though vomiting had helped to ease the nausea, the nagging pain had only gotten worse.

"I wouldn't be surprised if you got a gastritis from all that stress lately." Once again, Nikita's voice was tinged with a hint of guilt. "You can't stand the thought of someone being mad at you. And the spicy food probably pushed your stomach over the edge."

"You kind of make me sound like a doormat."

"Just because you care about others?" Nikita shook his head. "Heck, you even care about me. I stayed away from people once I found out that most of them are assholes, including myself. You still take the risk. That doesn't sound like a coward thing to me."

"You're not half as bad as you like to pretend. At least you're honest." Jamal grinned and gave Nikita a slap on the back of his head. "So if it's gastritis, what am I supposed to do?"

"Prepare for a week of light meals and relaxation. No more fiery food for you until your stomach has calmed down." The hint of a smile played around the corners of Nikita's mouth. "And don't forget about tea and honey. Bet you didn't know I'm a tea expert."

"I guess there's a lot I don't know about you yet", Jamal mumbled. Weird enough, he felt only half as bad now that he knew Nikita would take care of both his car and himself. It took him back to more carefree days when a disease ment snuggling up in bed and being lovingly nursed back to health. "But honestly, I can't wait to find out."

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Archive of our own: Up all night to get Bucky

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