#LET ALONE EXAMINE HIS OWN MOTIVES AND PLAN

[fellhellion]

fans are always like why does goro’s plan re shido suck and have huge gaping flaws. man i do not know how to tell you he was ensnared in this bullshit at fifteen, was doomed to it from that moment onwards or else risk being killed and actively avoids introspection to bury the fact that he wanted other people and ESPECIALLY his father to want and love him despite every cruelty.

[deathbyday]

-'⁠🫧*⁠.⁠✧mouthwashing✧.⁠*⁠🫧'⁠ -

P6

“How could we end up here…?”

Daisuke x implied F!Reader

TW: mentions of suicide

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Written By: DeathByDay

(Also written on Mobile)

2 MONTHS AFTER THE CRASH

Daisuke laid down outside the entrance to the cargo room, mouthwash in hand. He was clearly drunk off of it. You sat beside him, rubbing his back in attempt to comfort him.

You found him like this, on the floor in agony. He didn’t need to say anything for you to figure that out. His body language gave it away. So, you did what any loving partner would do in that situation. Comfort him, listen to his words. Or just sit there in silence.

It hurt you to see him in pain. You’ve never seen Daisuke like this before, so vulnerable and fragile. “Daisuke, honey.. please tell me what’s wrong.” You muttered, leaning down as you continued to rub your hand against his back.

He quietly groaned, stirring at your touch. You stopped, hand resting on your lap. “Just leave me alone, Y/N. I’m sorry, I just don’t want to talk.” His voice cracked as he spoke. He sounded like he was trying not to cry.

You didn’t push him and instead stood up, not saying anything as you stepped away and went up the metal stairs towards the lounge area.

You walked through the automatic doors, not expecting to see anyone there. But surprisingly, you saw Anya and Swansea. Anya held the mouthwash, carefully examining the back of the bottle. Swansea was dancing beside the lounge’s couch, music blaring on the radio.

You didn’t bother saying anything to her, assuming she’d want to be alone as well. You passed by her without a word and laid down on the couch, feeling extremely exhausted.

You’ve been getting enough sleep lately, but you couldn’t find yourself getting any motivation. You’re still the same Y/N who came onto this ship. The only difference is that you have friends now.

You sighed, curling in on yourself. The loud sound of the music made your head hurt, but you knew if you said anything, Swansea would just end up getting upset at you. So, you backed off.

You felt like breaking down. You didn’t know how longer you could hang on, not with everyone becoming zombie-like. Ever since you all found the mouthwash, everything’s been going downhill.

Letting a small tear run down your face was a mistake. After a few seconds, there were multiple. You couldn’t bring yourself to stop. You muffled your cries by covering your mouth with both hands tightly, shutting your eyes and hiding your face in your knees.

You felt weak for crying, but you needed to get it out. You were always taught that crying helps people remember that you’re only human. But whenever you did, you were viewed as pathetic. Maybe just for once, you could cry without feeling guilty for it.

And so, you abused that power. You sobbed hard, not planning on stopping anytime soon. You just wanted to be done with this stupid nonsense and get back to your home. You just wanted to see your family again. You getting your own place didn’t even matter anymore.

Suddenly, you felt a hand on your shoulder. You stiffen in fear, one glistening eye peaking out from your knee. It was Jimmy whose hand was on you. You opened your mouth, only a light croaking sound came out. But you pushed through and began speaking.

“What do you w-..want..?” You mumbled, hiding your face from his view as you wiped away your tears with your fingers. “Just wanted to see if you were alright.” He replied, letting your shoulder go.

“Well clearly I’m not.” You whispered harshly, fighting the urge to kick him like a child. “Go away.” You demanded, your voice soft and quiet. He didn’t say anything else and walked away, obeying your words.

You let more tears slip from the corners of your eyes, praying that this all ends soon. This could’ve just been a terrible, terrible dream. You were probably still asleep in your house, waiting for breakfast to be made by your guardian.

You snuffle, feeling the pain of your heart beating. It felt as if it were about to crack open in half and spill out blood. You heard light footsteps get louder, causing you to shove your face back into the couch cushion, hiding your face and covering your head with your arms, fingers latching onto your hair.

They couldn’t even speak before you weeped, your voice soft, yet filled with emotion. “Go away!” You pleaded, cradling your head in your arms. “Y/N?” Anya’s gentle voice rang out as she sat on the edge of the couch, sitting right beside you.

You fought back a cough, not replying to the woman. She hesitantly placed a hand on your shoulder, rubbing your clothed skin. “It’ll all be okay, I promise. Once we’re done with being stuck in this mess, you can go back to your regular life.” She softly reassured, not listening to your demands.

A light cough escapes your throat as you hiccup, feeling the air get pushed out of your lungs. You subconsciously sob louder, the music swallowing your cries. The black haired woman was quick to wrap her arms around you, codling your head to her chest.

You grab her biceps as you press the side of your face into her chest. She muffles your cries, shushing you.

“I-.. I don’t know how much longer I can do this!” You admit, feeling the pain get heavier and heavier every time you breathe. You gripped onto her clothed skin as if she were disintegrating from your grasp. She didn’t say anything, silently encouraging you to continue.

You shot her a glance, seeing her concerned face out of the corner of your eye before looking back down, your tears drying up on your cheeks. “I feel so p-..pathetic for wanting to kill myself, but it feels like the only solution right now..” You muttered, slightly stirring in her grasp.

It felt weird to confess your thoughts out loud, but you were relieved to get them out of your throat. Anya ran her fingers through your hair, giving you a small massage before speaking.

“Y/N..” She trailed off, a lump getting caught in her throat. She felt terrible for not noticing any signs earlier, but she was thrilled to know you felt comfortable enough to trust her with your mind.

“It may not seem like it right now, but it’s going to be okay. I know you’re going through a very difficult period, but you shouldn’t be giving up over something we can work through together.” She murmured, her tone of voice soft and gentle.

You felt tears sting your eyes once again, causing you to shut your eyes. The comfort of her presence mixed with her warmth made you feel like you weren’t alone. You tighten your grip on her, light hiccuping sounds coming from your lips.

Anya didn’t shame you for breaking down in front of her. It was like she understood you. You’ve been there for her in the past, and now she’s returning the favor.

After a few minutes, your cries finally stopped. You snuffled, letting Anya loosen herself from your grasp. She guided your head back down onto the couch, giving you a soft smile before walking away. You shut your eyes, drowning out the sound of the radio with static.

______

3 MONTHS AFTER THE CRASH

“Daisuke?” Your soft voice filled the comforting silence of the lounge room. He sat in his sleeping bag, playing with his Gameboy. You glanced around the room, seeing nobody else. He paused his game and turned his head, a grin plastered across his lips at the sight of you.

“Hey, Y/N!” He sat up, setting his device aside his makeshift bed. You gave him a gentle smile before stepping towards the brunette. You leaned over and sat down beside him, wrapping your arms around him.

He melted in your touch, giving you a short lived kiss on the forehead. “What’s up?” He muttered, seeing the hesitant smile on your face that disappeared as he spoke.

You looked away, causing Daisuke to lift his hand and guide your head to look back him, resting his palm on your cheek. “When you.. or, we get back to earth, what’s the first thing you’re going to do?” You tilted your head, leaning into his palm as you waited for his response.

He blinked for a moment in thought, his hand leaving your face and running down the side of your waist, gently grasping your hip. “Marry you!” He chuckled, his eyes lighting up at the idea of marriage. You became flustered, not expecting that answer.

But nonetheless, you giggled along, leaning in and planting a gentle kiss on the tip of his nose. He wrapped his arms around you, resting his head in the crook of your neck. “I love you so much, my sweet boy.” You whispered into his ear, your voice soft as you laid your arms around his shoulders.

“I love you more!” He exclaimed, causing a light giggle to leave your throat. You rolled your eyes and let the topic pass, not wanting to argue about who loves who more.

“You win.” You sighed in defeat, causing him to pump his fist in the air, almost punching your throat.

______

4 MONTHS AFTER THE CRASH

You sit in a chair that laid to the side of the medical bed, your arms and head resting on the thin sheets as you stare at the burnt man lying down in front of you. You didn’t know why you were in there, but you felt like you needed to talk to him.

It’s been so long since you’ve even seen him, it almost felt refreshing. But alongside that, it was awkward. The captain and you rarely spoke before the crash, and you never spoke after. So what’s the point of doing this?

You gently cleared your throat and lifted your head, catching the eye of Curly. You took a deep breath in before speaking.

“It’s been a while, huh?” You chuckled, ignoring the tightening pain in your chest. “I guess I’ve just, I don’t know.. been wondering why you did it? Everything was going well, I think. But then the crash happened..” You trailed off, feeling your eyelids start to sting, indicating tears were forming.

You fought hard to keep them from falling out as you continued. “Honestly, Curly, I don’t know if I believe that you were the one who crashed us into that asteroid.” You admitted, resting your hands in your lap.

He stared at you, wishing he could do more. He wanted to reach out, to tell you everything was going to be okay, but he couldn’t. Even though the two of you barely spoke, let alone befriended each other, it was still his job to take care of his crew members.

If he knew this would be his destiny, he would’ve made so much more conversation with you. He knew you liked to be alone, drowning in your own thoughts without any interruptions. But he thought that he could possibly help you with social interactions. But with everything going on, he left that job alone.

You opened your mouth to speak, but got cut off by the sound of the door opening behind you. You didn’t need to turn around to recognize the sound of their footsteps.

“Y/N?” Anya’s soft voice ran through the silence of the medical room, causing you to turn your head towards her.

“I need to give Curly his pills.” She explained, hinting for you to leave. You gave a quiet nod in understanding, giving the captain a short lived wave before walking out of the room, glancing at the woman before doing so.

Oh how you wished you weren’t so dumb.

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authors note

welp, time to get your tissues out!

if you didn’t notice, I changed the banner for this story(and a few other things). the reason for that is because I just felt like it needed a change. hopefully you guys like it!

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, next one will be up soon <33

[yandere-genji]

Hi, big fan of your work!! Could you please do Yandere Genji or Cassidy snooping through their fem s/o's internet history to make sure she's been a good girl, only to discover she's been looking at all different kinds of sex toys?

tw: yandere, abuse reader is gender neutral

💚 Genji

What sets Genji apart from other yanderes is his method of keeping his darling under control. Genji works from a distant. Sure, stalking goes without saying, but his motive runs deeper than simply watching his darling from afar. Since his time in Blackwatch, he’s worked in the shadows. Honed the ability to use himself as threat to subdue enemies. Because when you realize he’s made you a target, it’s already too late. 

So he might not be by your side commanding your every move, but he’ll be there. The unsettling wind at your back, the shuffling of footsteps somewhere in the distance, the displaced objects in your home. He might confront you face to face, depends on what he has planned for you. But by technicality, you’ll have your own space. 

But is it yours, really? Because you can’t relax when you have eyes on you. You’re hyper vigilant, all too aware of any vulnerability you might expose. Still, Genji doesn’t have time to keep watch on you at every second. He has business to attend to from time to time. So when you do have those moments alone, you’re quick to take advantage of them.

Unfortunately for you, Genji is always sure to check up on you when he returns from his duties. He has a few excuses for this, namely that he wants to make sure you’re doing alright, that you’re safe. It’s thinly veiled, though, when he rummages through your delicates, unlocks your laptop and searches your internet history. It was only a matter of time until he stumbled across your unsavory interests, but he can’t help the smile that creeps on his face at the victory of unveiling them. 

When you come home, the atmosphere is uneasy, an eerie shroud weighing heavy at your breast. Small things had been misplaced in ways that don’t make sense. You flick the lights on in your bedroom, and you’ve seen Genji before, but never so close and in such an intimate space. 

He approaches you and you’re too stunned to even move. He holds up his hand and turns over a particularly impressive toy you’d had your eyes on, though the sight of it now has you ill at ease. 

“This one caught your eye?” your face burns red as he examines the toy in his hand, “You’ve indulged me this much, I thought I might return the favor.”

❤️‍🔥 Cassidy

If you’ve never had a helicopter parent, Cassidy is going to take a lot of adjusting too. He loves to baby you, always watching over your shoulder and keeping you on a tight leash. His trust is gained in drops and lost in buckets, so his vigilance all depends on your temperament. That being said, he is very generous in rewarding good behavior, the conditions of which involves varying degrees of eager submission. Just be a good baby, and you’ll have nothing to worry about. 

But it’s not the worry that gets to you. It’s the constant hovering, he’s by your side whenever he can be and watching your every move. You have to be his perfect little angel or he’ll be sure to correct you, and God does he take every chance he can get. The more you gain his trust, though, the more forgiving he will be. 

At first, he’ll shower you with little gifts like clothes or trinkets, he might even let you have some TV time. Then it’s trips to the park, picnic dates and even some restaurants, with the condition you never leave his side. Still, the outside exposure is dearly missed. And when he buys you a laptop, you wonder if it’s a test.

Despite his experience in a highly technical organization, Cassidy is completely oblivious to anything involving technology or computers. It was never a skill he had use for developing, his brute strength capable enough to render any other ability useless. So, he was handing the responsibility to you, trusting you wouldn’t betray him. 

And you didn’t, you were really good, especially when it was new and exciting. The little things were enough to satisfy you, watching YouTube videos, listening to your own music, or simply reading the news. It’d been so long since you had internet access. As time went by, you got a little bolder, messaging some friends and playing video games. But nothing could’ve prepared you for the urge you felt when Cassidy was sent out in a mission, leaving you all to yourself. 

When he was here, you had your fill of sexual attention. Honestly, you couldn’t get his hands off of you. Though it could be exhausting, it trained in you a need. Something you couldn’t quit cold turkey. And without Cassidy to satisfy that craving, you developed a terrible habit of browsing sex toys. 

And what a stupid habit it was, especially when Cassidy caught you red-handed on an early return. The way his smile beamed made you want to recoil into yourself, vanish right then and there. 

“Cassidy! I can explain!” your mind was already in the process of spinning some story, “There was this stupid pop-up ad, I didn’t mean to click it - actually I was clicking out of it, but the stupid track pad- Oh my gosh, I swear.”

You knew he was going to laugh, you were prepared for him to tease you, you knew it was going to happen. But the preparation wasn’t enough to shield your embarrassment. 

“Naughty thing, ain’t ya?” he purred, his lips curling in a wily grin. 

“Please don’t be mad at me,” you pleaded with big doe eyes you knew would melt him. 

“Oh, pumpkin,” he cupped your chin and circled a thumb over your lips, “Must’ve missed me bad. Let me take care of you.”

From then on, pandora’s box was open. Cassidy loves to see you embrace your sexual side, especially when he can take advantage of it. And your new interest is another opportunity to do just that. He’ll have you put 

 on display while he sits back and enjoys a nice cigar and cool glass of whiskey. 

[aphroditestummyrolls]

🏅🌙 🧠

Hi 🥰 hello

🏅 What is something you recently felt proud of in regard to your writing (finished a fic, actually planned for once, etc).

I actually finished Keep You Safe! 🥹 I am so proud of that story! But, I’m also so proud of all of the stories I’ve written/started for Six of Crows. I still feel so compelled by my WIPs, and so motivated to write, even with the Focus Issues™️ I’ve been having. I’m really feeling good about my stories more frequently than I’m feeling self conscious, and that’s rare.

🌙  What time of day do you prefer to write? Why?

I used to be a morning writer— I just felt like my mind was clearest in the early hours. But now, I’m a mid morning to evening, equal opportunity writer, and I’m most likely to edit in the early morning.

🧠 What’s an idea you have that you can’t quite call a WIP yet?

I have ANOTHER “Colm discovers Jesper’s Ketterdam Life” fic in my brain, and it’s not outlined or written in any capacity, but it makes me INSANE.

So, let’s set the scene— this is a show verse story in which the ice court heist straight up doesn’t happen. Inej comes to visit fairly regularly. Nikolai’s pardon successfully got Matthias out of Hellgate and they are working their shit out. Wylan’s past came out shortly after they returned from Ravka when his father started sending letters to the Slat, and they became more genuinely threatening. Any animosity about his hiding his past has faded in the face of his life being threatened, and Jesper is just trying to keep him safe. They are so deeply in love.

The story starts about three months since Ravka and the Fold, and the crows are on high alert— recently, Jan sent someone to try to kill Wylan. It was a botched attempt, but Kaz is taking no chances. Wylan hates it, but he’s escorted by someone (usually jesper, because he would come hang out with him anyway) to and from his workshop. Kaz is taking this very seriously, and plotting the downfall of Jan Van Eck with each passing second. But in the meantime, they have to keep Wylan alive.

One morning, Rotty doesn’t meet him outside the workshop like they agreed. And Wylan is a little nervous, but decides to walk back to the slat alone.

Meanwhile, simultaneously, a man is wandering in from fifth harbour, trying his best to conduct his own search for his estranged son after the staadwatch proved useless. He’s starting to feel a bit hopeless, when he hears gunshots. He doesn’t even have time to wonder, because a young man is stumbling, running headlong into him, and when he grips the boy to help him stand, his hands come away bloody.

Colm is desperate to find Jesper, but he looks at this boy and he feels so terrible— he can’t be any older than Jes. He has to make sure he gets the help he needs, that he’ll be okay. But, when he tries to take him to the hospital, the boy insists that he take him to “the crow club— it’s closer. He, he might send someone to the hospital.”

So, colm takes this gravely wounded young man to the crow club. And finds more than he bargained for.

One day soon, maybe I’ll write this one out— it’s so fun, and juicy. I have so many ideas for it, as like, a slower, more angry and resentful “Colm and the Crows” story. One that really examines his dynamics with each of them. 👁️👁️

Thanks for playing!

[bluinary]

Imo it's the desire to experience a fantasy that motivates these comments. In these people's eyes, The Nice Guy At Work should either be perfect and emotionally mature with no character development needed, or he should crash and burn and prove himself an incel for the audience's satisfaction, while Retsuko learns to be happy alone. But you're right; folks forget that Aggretsuko's main thesis is teaching us how to *accept reality*.

If you're looking for love in your 20s-- which Retsuko is-- no man within a healthy age range of you is going to be fully formed and as emotionally healthy as, say, Kristoff in Frozen II. You're supposed to grow together, which Retsuko and Haida do.

Also, examining the "nice guys" trope Retsuko and Haida may fall into, people fail to examine Retsuko's reasons for saying "no" to Haida, or Haida's reasons for "pursuing", which he never really did after he got what felt like a clear "no". He's not just some dude from work-- he was in Retsuko's inner circle for quite some time. Maybe she felt like she "didn't know him that well," which she said a lot, but in actuality, she spent more time with him than everyone except Fenneko. The context seemed more leaning toward the feeling that Haida was her work friend, and nothing more, which was a boundary Retsuko placed.....for what? (Bear with me here.)

Because she knew that giving someone from her department a try would maybe be more difficult and risky, yet simultaneously boring, than dating, say, a mysterious dude from her Driver's Ed class. It would also be less exciting, because she *already* knew a lot about Haida. And let's be real; Retsuko's big character arc, in addition to gaining her confidence and her voice without exploding, is mainly about her losing her taste for whirlwind hijinks. Remember that her plan in S1 was to "get cute", find a rich guy, get married ASAP, and then leave her boring, crappy accounting job for good. But she grew to realize that her boss, while an asshole, wasn't the Devil himself. Tsunoda wasn't the workplace Succubus she imagined her to be, just predictably shallow in some areas of her personality. Kabae was more than a nuisance; Tsubone held a lot of wisdom to offer. Even Anai had a chill button. A steady job wasn't a bad thing. And throughout her development, Retsuko had to also reasses her relationship with Haida. Because while her "no" meant "no", and Haida took it as such without cutting her off as a friend, Retsuko had to change how she saw him as she did with all of her coworkers (save Fenneko) in order to grow as a person. And, while frustrated with some of his flaws, she saw that Haida was fundamentally kind, mostly easy-going, and extremely dependable when she needed a friend. Maybe not as exciting as Tadano, or seemingly mysterious as the Space Cadet, but Haida was an ideal long-term partner. Retsuko just had to grow up a bit to see it.

And that message isn't for Nice Guys. Remember that the Aggretsuko brand was made specifically for us-- young, disillusioned women in our 20s who needed something a bit more relatable than, though just as cute as, Hello Kitty. And as someone who's been with a *lot* of dudes, the message rings true: compatibility doesn't lie in excitement. And while we should make our voices heard, the world will also feel like a much kinder place when we see everyone around us as human beings instead of caricatures or tropes. This also explains the lack of focus on Retsuko for the last few penultimate seasons; she had a HUGE arc accomplishment when she finally gave Haida a chance. Not for him, but for *her*. Being someone actively looking for a long-term partner, Retsuko's mental state and worldview was almost always reflected in one way or another by the man/ men she was dating in each season. Including the Otome men who made her broke. When she was finally able to cut through her own excuses for not giving a perfectly great potential partner an honest try, knowing that he could provide everything she truly wanted and needed, Retsuko broke through the last hang-up on her main character arc of the show: accepting reality. And these last few seasons, while she isn't perfect, she still maintains that development as she's slower to rage at little things, is still vocal about her wants and needs, and sees almost everyone around her as a necessary piece to the life she enjoys. She's found an amazing balance.

And as for Haida-- we're seeing a mostly static, already seemingly well-rounded character have his own arc. The important thing, I think, is that Retsuko isn't *responsible* for Haida's growth and development, even if she sometimes feels like she is bc she cares so much. Haida ultimately comes to his own conclusions, fosters his own growth, and works hard with the motivation of being a worthy partner for Retsuko. It's not the fantasy of him being the Perfect Man for their entire relationship, or somehow rescuing Retsuko from the issues she began the show with, but their relationship is mutually supportive and insanely healthy. And ykw...healthy is boring 😂 I saw someone saying "they don't do couple stuff", like what did they expect? Good relationships are boring and functional, and that is what Retsuko and Haida are. We can write fluffy, spicy, or angsty fanfic to fill in the gaps. But making their relationship more "interesting" would serve no purpose to the story. Though ofc, I wouldn't complain over a tag-team karaoke rage at Haida's dad, lol. (But even that didn't happen bc of great character development, bc being healthy and well-adjusted is.....say it with me.....boring 😂😂😂).

All of this to say: OP you're right and you should say it!!!

SO Ive seen several people say that Haida and Retsuko's relationship dident work this season due to their poor relationship skills and miscommunication. But I would argue that their relationship does work.

It works in that even after the two-way lying and miscomunication and tax fraud, their relationship still stands.

You guys have to remember that being in a relationship -- a true relationship -- is a big fucking hurdle to jump through. Yes, Retsuko had been in other relationships before, but this the first true relationship that has had any weight to it.

Throughout the 4 seasons we saw Retsuko's other relationships crumble to dust over the tiniest things.

Retsuke was a unmotivated wet napkin of a person and when he didn't commit to the relationship that Retsuko wanted, Retsuko told him and broke it off.

Tadano was a good egg, but Retsuko ultimately discovered that both Tadano and herself had conflicting future relationship goals --Retsuko wanted to get married and start a family, but Tadano wasn't interested in getting tied down (he said so himself, he though that marriage was a waste of time, and that hurt retsuko because one of her dreams through the entire series was to get married and settledown to have a family)

and the same thing happens with Haida and Inui. Like, they were a very cute couple and possibly would have gone somewhere, but Haida's feelings for Retsuko would have (for lack of a better word) stained the relationship. Inui saw how much he loved Retsuko, and very maturely, decided that she couldn't compete for his affections. So like, she cuts it off before it begins. Like, knowing that your relationship would have gone down hill due to uncontrolable outside influences and then cutting it off before it could get worse is a mature thing to do.

Also I've seen someone say that Retsuko was passive about the entire tax fraud and I'm like???? she wasn't???? She knew very well that her boyfriend was keeping secrets from her, and when those secrets were confirmed that her boyfriend was doing company-wide tax fraud for the CEO, instead of taking it to the Japanese national news, she formulated a mission impossible heist plan with all of her co-workers in order to get the information needed to confirm that they were infact commiting tax fraud in order to get the CEo fired and then had a talk with her boyfriend about how what he was doing was wrong. Like, she took the step and called him out and that untimely gave Haida the confidence to step up to the CEO and call him out on his bullshit????

Like how is that passivity????

And everyone needs to know that Haida in the thick of it as well. Like his paranoia and fear wasn't something that came out of no where. Hadia said so himself that anyone else in the company had a fair chance of getting fired due to budget cuts and low profits, and so the pressure to succeed was growing. People were getting pressured to quiet left and right thanks to the new CEO. Mr. Tone was demoted then forced to quiet a job he really loved; Kabai was forced to quit as well from a job she really liked because everyone was making her feel worthless for having a family to take care of instead of being at work.

and when Haida showed that he had a good chance with his new accounting software to succeed and NOT get fired, he took that chance to rub elbows with the new CEO. And not only that, but thanks to the new CEO, the company was falling behind and had to commit tax fraud in order to stay afloat, and again DUE TO NOT WANTING TO BE FIRED AND DEEMED WORTHLESS TO THOSE AROUND HIM, Haida took up tax fraud in order to survive. On top of wanting the praise that he so badly needed. There were multiple times where Haida laments that Retsuko is on a whole new other level than him, and that he feels like he just one of the fanboys in the crowd. In the season, when he sees that Retsuko has restarted her screaming channel and has started growing back her following, that feeling comes back. He really does love Retsuko so much and wants to be where Retsuko is so badly but he feels as if none of what he's done in life fits with Retsuko's life.

Like, for christ sake, Retsuko is the ex-girlfriend to the aggretsuko version of Mark Zuckerberg who also one-hit-wonder pop idle star who nearly got murdered by an incel and Haida is a wanna-be British rock band bass guitar player who does accounting by day who still lives in his parents' apartment complex rent free (lucky bastard)

and on top of all that, there was Retsuko's lies. Like, his suspicion and jealousy was not unjustified??? Like, wouldn't you feel the same way if you saw your significant other lied in front of your face about what you were doing, arrive home in the fancy-ass limo of their ex-boyfriend and then notice that said ex-boyfriend FLIRTED BACK AT HER????? on top of using the pet nickname that he gave her when they were dating???? Like him calling Tadano out on his not-really-flirting-but-kind-of-is-flirting-flirting was no unjustified????

AND EVEN AFTER ALL OF THAT MESS OF DRAMA, THE END OF SEASON 4 CONFIRMS (though some would argue that its very ambiguous) THAT THEY'RE STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP. EVEN AFTER THE TAX FRAUD AND MISCOMUNICATION AND NEARLY THROWING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OUT THE WINDOW, THEY'RE STILL GOING OUT.

this is what Gori's soulmate app said about Haida and Retsuko. Even after so much shit, they're able to keep going to work on each other.

Aggrettsuko has stated that multiple times that romance is not a fairy tale, and that it takes work and that you may not get it right on the first time or the third time, but its good to keep working at it.

And Haida and Retsuko are working on it 🥺

[billconrad]

Creating A Book Outline

    I began my writing adventure by typing the first chapter. My lack of planning led to many issues, and I have since learned to start every book project with an outline. It saves editing time and results in a better story.

    I thought it would be an interesting exercise to describe my outline process. So… What is a book outline? It is a high-level plot summary. Once done, an author can review their concept and make radical changes. The result is a basic story framework that a writer can turn into an entire book.

    How much plot is needed to begin an outline? The writer should know the general beginning, middle, and end. The length is about a paragraph. There are formal methods of creating an outline, such as the flower method. Some writers use whiteboards, post-it notes, 3x5 cards, and circles with connecting lines. My method is chaotic, terse, and cryptic because this is how my bonkers mind works.

    I condense ideas into sentences that describe the base elements. The resulting difficult-to-understand mess has awful grammar and spelling. I encourage myself to explore, experiment, change, move, delete, and add during the process. The value of an outline is at this stage, and writers have complete freedom to make significant changes and push their concepts to the extreme.

    Once a basic outline exists, I repeatedly review it with questions like: Does the story make sense? Is the logic sound? Is this section necessary? Is motivation apparent? Are the characters interacting enough? Does the action need more conflict? Would rearranging the sections lead to more drama? Are readers going to understand the plot? Are there any unresolved issues? Is this story so good enough to be turned into a book?

    It is important to note that the character description parallels an outline. Character descriptions are an essential step but a different topic.

    When my outline looks good, it is possible to show/explain it to a beta reader to get feedback. This basic description is suitable enough to identify problems and provide feedback.

    This next paragraph is an outline section from my recently released fourth book. I intentionally did not clean it up to show my raw creativity. There are many apparent grammar errors, spelling mistakes, and run-on sentences. I understand this cryptic mess reads confusing, but it is clear to me.

    Go to Russia, (because force) find grace, difficulty with culture, wonder around woods for two days, find grubby apple tree, building remains, ponder life, gets feeling that grace knows I am looking but refuses to show herself. men at apple tree, take to china on weird Russian plane, (loud) taken to Chinese palace, describe, lots of servants, meet Chinese harvester, pincushion man, his history: land owner, horses, agriculture, gold mining, (not environment good) communism took much of it, now no land, still had gold, built relationship with communists, owns 3 party members, they leave him alone, has a lot of dirt on them. Ask questions, claims to have developed his secret process. angry james for letting the secret out. Angry at cleopatra, did not know grace, angry that grace told james secret, secret reserved “only for the divine, not worthless people like you.” pincushion man pressure james (threat to kill) to reveal total secret. pincushion man has years of experience with torture. James talk and they compare notes.

    Wow, what a rabble. However, from that mess, I wrote four chapters. The outline has a slight amount of dialog: “only for the divine, not worthless people like you.” That shows intent and what the character is thinking. I refer to one character as “pincushion man.” I did not have a name for him at that stage. My concept was that he was constantly using acupuncture, but when I tried to write that concept, it seemed silly, and I chose not to include it.

    How did I use this mess to write a book? Let’s examine the first sentence. “Go to Russia, (because force) find grace, difficulty with culture.” This is out of order. In my mind (not in the outline), I had this major scene planned “(because force)” meaning that people forced James to fly to Russia. Because I had already fully developed it, I knew exactly how to write it up and did not need details for the outline.

    For the next section, James needs to get to Russia. Details are required for the book, including buying an airline ticket, getting time off work, and budgeting. While I was writing this section, I kept in the back of my mind the next section, “finding grace.” (Grace is a character’s name, but I did not bother to capitalize the word.) This foreknowledge caused me to include all the necessary hooks, like background research about the local area where I would search for her.

    Now that James had landed in Russia, he encountered the typical difficulties of adapting to a foreign country, and I described these details. I wanted a big mistake to show James is fallible. Before James leaves his home, he “remembers” to pack a translation book. When he lands, he realizes he forgot this book. This step adds drama and shows James is not perfect.

    Let’s examine the most powerful part of an outline by pretending I identified a critical plot problem. The character James is not working. How can I fix him? What if we change the sex? How easy is it to make a major change at the outline stage? A straightforward word replacement: James to Jackie. Total time: five seconds.

    Let’s change the character’s sex in a completed first draft with a word replace. “James entered the room wearing his muscle shirt. He looked angry.” The replacement is: “Jackie entered the room wearing his muscle shirt. He looked angry.” Jackie is a woman who is called “he” and “his.” The other problem is that most women do not wear muscle shirts. So, this change requires more effort than a simple replacement, and even with lots of editing, the reader would think Jackie is an oddly masculine character.

    My outlines are about three pages long. As I write the book, I keep it on my second screen and refer to it as needed. An added benefit is using an outline reduces writing stress and makes the process more enjoyable. Now that I am better at creating them, they track 90% of the final plot. The missing 10% are details or issues found during the writing that require expanding or adding to the story. That is my chaotic process, and I hope you found it interesting.

    You’re the best -Bill

    November 18, 2023

    Hey book lovers, I published four. Please check them out:

    Interviewing Immortality. A dramatic first-person psychological thriller that weaves a tale of intrigue, suspense, and self-confrontation.

    Pushed to the Edge of Survival. A drama, romance, and science fiction story about two unlikely people surviving a shipwreck and living with the consequences.

    Cable Ties. A slow-burn political thriller that reflects the realities of modern intelligence, law enforcement, department cooperation, and international politics.

    Saving Immortality. Continuing in the first-person psychological thriller genre, James Kimble searches for his former captor to answer his life’s questions.

    These books are available in soft-cover on Amazon and eBook format everywhere.

[heizerux]

I don’t think Felíx or any other rich kid is a Senti and it’s possible that people can be real people

Again this is based on what I saw of “Emotion” and added to my thoughts/points, spoilers will be brought up here. Also I’m a non-believer of the Senti-Theory so if this upsets you I do apologize.

Felix referring to the moon as his sister could really just be an implication that it shares his exact feelings of anger toward control as that’s what he created it from. It’s the only thing that understands him. It’s like referring to a person as “my brother in arms” over a topic, battle or action.

Him releasing it can also be him giving up on his plan that got him there since he hurt people he didn’t mean to, lost Marinette and realized he had no “control”, of his new powers, and overall that he failed. Anger isn’t going to get him anywhere and he still ended up like he started, alone and the same.

Gabriel only recently started pitching ideas as well as important business with important people such as Kagami. And I mean within a year or so in the show.

Sure, he could have created kids for important people, but it couldn’t have been recently as he just now started getting closer to them and it maybe couldn’t have been 15/16 years ago as that’s how long he was on a search for magical artifacts (see Shanghai Special), and when he did find the peacock miraculous, he gave that to his wife as a gift. . . Whom kept it until she passed. (Also he maybe wasn’t a well known or fully established fashion designer when he had Adrien as we saw he liked to adventure and met Emílie that way. Sure that’s up for the debate, but it’s another possibility.)

I think if Gabriel really created kids for powerful people, It would be weird for him to give Tomoe a test drive of a miraculous combined with their new invention. It also looked like he recently filled her in, she accepted because it means business, and with added power. . . Well why wouldn’t she?

Also let’s examine Amelie. I think her behavior towards Gabriel would be a lot more different towards him had he and Emílie created Felíx for her and her husband. Given that’s her littlebundle of joy, she’d likely act very thankful and she’d likely already long KNOW he has a miraculous and he probably Hawkmoth/Shadowmoth. Sure she probably knows that now that she’s working with her own son, but she doesn’t act like like her son could disappear any moment. She’s rather very angry at Gabriel for his actions instead.

Now to those saying it’s canon. . . You guys are just saying that as I’ve seen. Of course it’s still based on these little implications the show plays but that’s what they are. Implications that could mean or point to ANYTHING.

Real things that could be asked that have been given to us are:

Why was Emílie interested in hunting magic treasures? Why was Gabriel?

What even is Gabriel’s upbringing? Is he self made? Why is he this driven by evil? Why would he choose to ignore Emilie’s actual wishes by deleting her videos?

What happened to Felix’s father? Did he have a good relationship with him? Felix hates Gabriel and his influence on control over his cousin but could it be Gabriel also disliked Felix’s father? Why couldn’t the Agrestes attend Mr. Fathom’s funeral? Was there tensions there?

This may be answered by more episodes, but assuming for now: What is Tomoe’s real drive? What’s the tension between Kagami and her mother? Because yes it’s “control” but it seems deeper by how Kagami said it’s “finally time” she speaks with her. (My bets are she caught on her mother is working with Monarch but who actually knows until we see more.)

So all this to say again: There’s bigger things at play and it’s not just “they’re sentis! It’s canon because a vague implication made it seem that way!”

Had that been the case that they are sentis, this episode would have played out a bit differently. Likely in the fact that Felix would have told them the “truth” and maybe would have given a speech about how they deserve to be free of their amok.

But it didn’t. Felix’s entire drive, motive, and speech was about how he does not want people in his life telling him or others like him what to do and how to live. (Notice his and his mother’s use of the word “monsters” towards specific people of power.) The same goes for heroes that say what’s right and what’s wrong. In Felix’s case it’s everyone, so he got rid of everyone except Marinette (whom he didn’t know was LB and honestly didn’t try to fight/deter him as Marinette but that’s another point.)

Anyways sorry this is long. This episode wasn’t strong evidence to me and seeing as Twitter is dying, I’ve not seen any creator or show writer even talk about this. Only fans claiming it’s canon but that’s on interpretation. Now if they do go ahead and confirm that yes, they are sentis, I’ll accept it but will think it’s such a cop out.

Adrien’s character is already a sad background in itself and I don’t see how confirming him as a Senti will matter to the plot or even affect the show. To me it doesn’t seem like that’s the direction they’re going for or even thinking about. It would just come off sloppy.

[stellarlex]

What are your thoughts about Adrien/Cat Noir?

You got me started, so I won’t mince words.

Adrien is a pain in the ass.

The way the show constantly makes it seem like he’s in the right when he absolutely fucking ISN’T is something that has infuriated me for a very long time. The writing makes him seem perfect but he isn’t. He’s not even a good friend, and Marinette’s crush addled brain forces her to listen to his garbage advice even though she knows better and is more experienced in social matters.

This fucking kid has only been breathing fresh fucking air for a few months and somehow he’s suddenly a fucking expert on how to deal with bullies and manipulators. That’s how he comes off to Marinette with how often he lets Chloe’s shitty behavior slide or his dumb advice about Lila: “Making a bad guy suffer has never turned them into a good guy.” Or, “If you humiliate her he’ll just be hurt more.”

But Chloé gets to humiliate and hurt others with barely any consequences from anyone, let alone Adrien. And Lila just gets to publicly make fools out of anyone who believes her nonsensical bullshit. And it’s only appropriate to chastise them only AFTER someone has been humiliated, hurt, and even EXPELLED right Adrien?

And sure, I can acknowledge when Adrien has his moments of a spine but it never lasts and always falls through. People are constantly screaming “but his dad and his childhood and he’s so sheltered and can’t stand up to anyone !” but forget that he chose to be a superhero and fight evil and has stood up to people.

I mean he stands up for Chloé and Lila quite a bit no matter who they hurt. He had no problem standing up to Marinette and shaming her and the others when they were rightfully happy that Chloé, their longtime tormentor and bully was leaving. He gets to be sad that Chloé is leaving and shame on anyone who is happy about that.

He was so concerned that Chloé left hurt and humiliated, (which was her own fault for trying to lie about her school project and after the bullshit she pulled with the Bee Miraculous) that he didn’t care about how badly Chloé made others feel on a daily basis. They were rightfully relieved to have Chloé gone and to celebrate having some peace in school for fucking once.

He seemed to have forgotten about how she nearly killed a train full of fucking people to make herself look like a hero. How soon he forgets how Chloé sabotaged Marinette’s great uncle, how she treats Sabrina, how she broke into Marinette’s room and stole her diary to win a class president election, stole Marinette’s hat design and tried to frame her for stealing, how she broke into Marinette’s locker and vandalized her gift to Bustier. Just so many things.

But noooo. That’s not important. What’s important was that HIS FRIEND was sad and that all her bad behavior is negated and that they shouldn’t celebrate her leaving because SHE kept HIM company when he was kept inside his home. Nothing else matters Right Adrien?

And let’s not forget about Lila. I’ve heard so many bullshit excuses about why he won’t expose Lila and it pisses me off something fierce:

“He doesn’t know that Lila threatened Marinette!” “Marinette didn’t tell him about the threat!” “He can’t stand up for himself because he’s scared his dad will pull him out of school!” “He’s scared of Lila!” “But his upbringing” “But his dad!” “He doesn’t have evidence!” “His advice is right!” “He doesn’t know how dangerous Lila is!”

ALL. COMPLETE. BULLSHIT.

Especially that last one. There has been multiple occasions where Lila has proven how dangerous she is outside of being akuamtized but he still won’t expose her. The time she got Kagami akumatized and WILLINGLY helped Oni-Chan, was proven true by the horn on her head growing every time she lied. Adrien as Chat Noir saw this. Ladybug warned him. A FIREFIGHTER examined Lila’s ankle and basically said she was full of shit about her injury and saw Chat Noir chew her out over her willingly helping an akuma.

Still don’t know how the firefighter didn’t report that to the cops but then I remember that Thomas Astruc is shit and I say to myself, “Ah, that’s why.”

Adrien knew then especially how dangerous Lila was. He even warned Ladybug about her. If I was Ladybug I’d have said “Yeah, no shit. I tried to tell you that 5 minutes ago but sure.” But instead of outing Lila, he still says NOTHING and continues to let her lie and promise his friends things she can’t possibly deliver, continues to let her mess with his friends dreams because she’ll be “hurt more.”

When was this bitch hurt at school I wanna know.

Also, there’s the fact that Adrien has chewed Lila out multiple times about her behavior, so he’s not afraid to stand up to her. He’s even done it in public where anyone can hear him like in school. But he just keeps giving her chances. I was excited when he chewed Lila out after “Ladybug” but then that quickly went away when he said that he didn’t have any proof.

But he does have proof of her lying. He was there when Ladybug chewed Lila out about her lying. If he spoke up about that, they would believe him because he doesn’t have a motive to speak against Lila, like the way others were skeptical of Marinette’s claims because of her crush on Adrien. There’s also the fact that she lied to get into his house and got Nathalie and his bodyguard into trouble.

There is a picture she sent out to multiple people so she can’t rebut that. And then the whole shit about framing Marinette and the red butterflies. He should have spilled all the fucking tea but he still kept his mouth shut. If his little talk with Lila hadn’t panned out Marinette would still be out of school and she would look like some horrible villain and no one would doubt Lila.

But noooooo. Lila will be humiliated, she’ll be hurt. It wouldn’t make her a good guy.

Screw you Adrien.

As for Chat Noir....

*breathes in*

He needs to get a fucking reality check or he needs to not have a miraculous. Yeah. I said it.

Here’s a special message for him:

Ladybug said no. Stop asking her to date you. Stop trying to make plans or trick her into romantic situations with you. Don’t throw tantrums because she doesn’t tell you things or because she won’t do what you want. Stop goofing off during battles. Stop sacrificing yourself you absolute DUMBASS.

Sincerely, me.

It boggles me why he gets to do all the shit he does and has no fucking consequences. Marinette’s toe can’t even twitch without someone breathing down her fucking neck about being the bigger person or just chastising her for not living up to the standards of a Ladybug.

I’m looking at you Tikki.

But Adrien gets to just do all kinds of shit without a HINT of consequences as Chat Noir. It’s fucking WILD. But apparently to some it’s more important that he keeps Plagg because he’s lonely and he shouldn’t be trapped inside his house with Gabriel.

That’s not what a miraculous is for??!?!!?!?!! 🥴

And sure, Marinette has had some slip ups as Ladybug. But not nearly as many as Adrien has as Chat Noir. But like I said, Marinette gets blamed for anything by any and everyone whether she’s Ladybug or not. Tikki and Alya chastised her because she entered the game tournament to spend time with Adrien.

WHY??

She didn’t cheat, she entered fairly and played fairly and won fairly just like Adrien did. But because it was to spend time with Adrien it was wrong. Even Max’s sore loser ass admitted before he left that Marinette beat him fair and square. It’s a competition. He wasn’t entitled to have a spot. He even looked upset when Adrien beat him and Adrien had a worried look on his face. Tikki even chastises Marinette saying that there were better ways to spend time with Adrien.

But there WEREN’T.

Adrien’s time is so closely monitored that he barely ever gets time to spend with friends. That was the only chance Marinette had to spend time with Adrien. But of course Marinette gets the heat for it.

But Adrien gets nearly nothing when he causes Copy Cat because of his lie about Ladybug. He gets to throw a tantrum because Ladybug didn’t come to a picnic she never agreed to in the first place with no consequences. He gets to be upset about Ladybug having someone she loved and refuse to work together with her. And it’s all just glossed over.

But Marinette? Everything she does is always wrong. She has no choice but to be perfect or somehow the whole fucking world ends. And while it’s not right, Adrien only has to look perfect for his dad’s company. The amount of pressure isn’t the same. He gets to be carefree in at least half of his life, but Marinette is always under pressure and always judged harshly while Adrien gets to fuck up with barely any consequences or repercussions.

In conclusion, I’m so tired of this “sunshine boy”. You asked for this, and I delivered.

[hereforhalstead]

Prove it

*Gif not mine, credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader.

• Requested: Yes.

“I’d feel a lot better if you let me walk you home/ If i asked you to stay, would you?”

• Warnings: swearing/ mention of drugs

• Summary: Jay insists on walking you home after a night in Molly’s but after seeing you with Adam he decides to tell you how he feels.

• Words: 2893.

• A/N :  Hope you enjoyed! Thanks so much for the request, I’m feeling motivated to get writing again due to all of the lovely messages and chats I’ve had over the past few days. Please feel free to send across any requests or prompts that you would and as always my inbox is always open :)

***

 “Cheers to no one getting injured on a drug bust for the first time” Adam announces as you all raise your glasses in amusement “Not even you Halstead, gotta be a first. Right?” he adds but Jay rolls his eyes and takes another sip of his drink “Listen, It’s not me you should be congratulating. Y/N is always the one who does something without thinking and gets herself hurt, you should be directing this at her” he tips his glass towards you and you give him a menacing look “Talk about beat around the bush” you mumble but Jay’s chuckle is enough to break your facade as you mirror his grin “Just saying” he shrugs and winks.

The team had just finished up on what felt like a month long operation, in reality you had been planning it a week or so but the observations and scoping out the area made it feel so much longer.  You managed to get the guy you were after and as Adam said, miraculously all of you had avoided injury which was definitely a first. His speech was clearly aimed towards you and Jay out of anyone, Jay was known for getting far too attached and close to cases which often blinded his awareness of danger. You were very similar in that if you saw an opportunity to help someone out you would take it, not weighing up the situation and resulting in you taking risks you probably shouldn’t. 

Because of this, you and Jay had each others backs. Of course everyone had everyones back but not in this way. You’d seemed to have grown a close bond due to you both being very similar in the way you work and think, often knowing what the other is going to do before they even think it. As much of this being a good thing, it has often not panned out as the other will take the first step to try and protect the other and things going south, you’d probably put yourself in more danger trying to prevent Jay getting hurt rather than a result of your own misjudgment. Jay was the same, not thinking about himself and would rather put himself in a compromising position instead of you - sounds twisted but that’s just the way your partnership worked. 

By this point, you’d had a few drinks but was cutting yourself off. You had an early shift in the morning and the thought of the pile of paperwork on your desk reminded you it was not something you wanted to tackle with a hangover. No one else seemed to think the same way, this was soon proved as Hailey made her way back from the bar with another tray of shots. “Oh none for me, I’m having a quiet one tonight” you excused yourself and carried on sipping the remainder of your drink.

“Yeah, I’m also out. Don’t want to be feeling rough with all that paperwork tomorrow” Jay winced and you laughed to yourself at how similar your thoughts always were. “Something you two aren’t telling us?” Hailey downs one of the shots and you almost choke on your drink “Are you being serious?” you question and she shrugs her shoulders with a click of her tounge “I don’t think it’s just me that thinks it, I overheard Kev and Adam gossiping the other day” you dart your attention over to a stunned Kevin who simply purses his lips and turns to Adam for him to defend “I-I.. Don’t know what she’s talking about” he stutters out “You couldn’t come up with something better?” Kevin mumbles under his breath and you shake your head “Nothing to report, right Jay?” you hand over to Jay who was quietly sipping on his nearly finished drink “What? Oh.. right” 

You smile back at Hailey but she doesn’t seem satisfied “I’m just saying, I don’t think he would run into a burning building for much but if you were on the top floor he would be sprinting up them stairs” Kim widens her eyes at Hailey who seems so casual about everything she is saying but you weren’t taking it as lightly and were now feeling slightly uncomfortable “Well on that note, I think I’m gonna head out” you place your empty glass back on the bar and hear them continue to bicker being you “Good one” Adam curses at Hailey who again doesn’t seem fazed “I’m just saying what we’re all thinking. You can’t tell me they’re both so oblivious to it as well”. Adam runs his hand along his jawline and stands to pick your jacket up which had fallen on the floor, you hear him mutter a soft ‘sorry’ which you acknowledge with a forced smile “I’ll see you tomorrow”. 

You shrug your jacket on and head for the door, slightly underestimating how cold Chicago can be and regretting not picking up a thicker coat. You start the traitorous walk down the road but feel your phone buzz in your pocket 

‘Stop walking and wait for me’

You squint to see who it was from and your heart slightly picks up speed when you say Jay’s name at the top of the screen, you come to a stop and turn to look over your shoulder. Not seeing anyone there you carry on walking but keep your phone in your grasp when it vibrates again

‘What did I just say Y/N..’

 You chuckle at the message and take another look behind you but this time seeing Jay a few steps away “you really don’t listen for shit do you” he greets and you scoff “Well, nice to see you too”. You carry on walking and Jay jogs to catch up and walks closely alongside you “Early night for you as well then?” you break the silence and he just nods with his hands stuffed in his pockets “Not as good when you’re partners not there” he remains with his eyes pinned to the path ahead and you feel the heat rise to your cheeks and are suddenly grateful for the darkness so he can’t see. You come to a stop and Jay turns back to look at you confused “You don’t live this way? In fact that way” you point in the opposite direction you’re walking and his eyes quickly dart back to you “You think I’d let you walk home alone?” he almost chuckles to himself but you don’t match his amusement “Jay, it’s not even 8pm and I’ve only had a few drinks. Thank you but I’m fine” you pat him on the shoulder and continue walking, you barely get a step away when he’s back by your side.

“I get that, but  I’d feel better if you let me walk you home “. You’re reminded that you still have your phone in your hand when you feel it vibrate, you look down to see Adam’s name flash up on the screen. You show Jay the screen and you can’t help but notice the way he seems to straighten up when he reads the name, you ignore this and answer the phone “Hey Adam” you chime and Jay vaguely hears him respond on the other end “Hold on a minute” you put the phone to your shoulder to muffle the speaker and so Adam can’t hear “Look, if I stay on the phone with Adam and walk home alone. Will that make you feel better?” you whisper to Jay who clears his throat and nods “Do whatever you want” he responds in a harsh but quiet tone before heading back towards the bar. “Sorry, as you were saying..” you turn your attention back to the phone call and carry on your journey home. 

**

The phone call only last a few minutes after Jay left but you made a note to tell Jay it was the full length of your journey home if he ever asks.. You step in the elevator to your apartment block and click the button for your floor, you grasp at the hand rail behind you and lean your head back on the mirror, you were shattered and just ready for bed. The elevator chimes and the doors open, as you exit and head for your apartment you find yourself rummaging around your pockets to find your key, you turn the corner and nearly jump out of your skin as you see Jay stood outside your door, leaning on the wall with his knee bent and foot resting below him. 

He sees your reaction and turns to face you walking towards him “sorry I didn’t mean to make you jump” he softly whispers as you turn the key in the lock “Maybe don’t wait outside my front door when I’m not expecting anyone to be there smart ass” you hit back, still not sure on his attitude when he left you earlier. 

You walk in the apartment and hang your jacket on the hook but turn back to see Jay still hadn’t moved “You coming in or did you come all this way to stand in the hall?” you question but head further in, leaving the door open. You pour yourself a glass of water and hear the door close and the floorboards creak as Jay walks over to join you “What’s going on Jay?” you ask as he leans on the doorframe and therefore making it difficult for you to get past “What did Adam want?” he tilts his head to question but you can tell he isn’t feeling as confident as he wants you to think. You exhale in a laugh and take a step towards him, you expect him to move but he stands his ground and remains in his spot. This forces you to step sideways out of the door, your body glides closely with his. So much so that if you had looked up as you passed him your faces would’ve been inches apart as he looked down at you. You huff and place your glass of water on the side and begin to take your shoes off by the sofa “Just wanted to apologize again for Hailey, I don’t know I wasn’t really listening” you trail off as you find your attention is now more on Jay’s actions and what he’s doing. 

It takes him a minute to turn from where he is standing and face you, you walk in front of him and lean the back of your legs on the sofa to examine him, his eyes flick up and down your body and you reach for your drink to try and act like you didn’t notice “So you’d rather have him keep you company on your walk home than me, I see” he confidentially takes a stride towards you and folds his arms across his chest. You can’t help but notice the way his arms bulge through the tightness of his shirt and struggle to keep your eyes on him and not roaming to admire them “Grow up Jay” you scoff but see him take another step towards you “what are you even doing here anyway?” you add but he remains silent. 

“If you’re just gonna stand and not say anything I’m gonna leave you here and go to bed” you stand from your spot and step away from him and towards your room. You’re stopped in your tracks when his arm latches onto your wrist to stop you “Hailey was right you know” he keeps his grasp on you tight, not in a way that it hurts but almost as if he was worried that otherwise you would walk off.

You open your mouth to speak but he soon cuts you off “I mean not about the fact there isn’t much I would run into a burning building for, as we know from past experiences that isn’t true” you laugh at the memory from when he darted back into an old house that had just caught alight because he had left his phone on the side but he seems to regain your attention “You know what, It’s late I should probably go” he releases his hold on you and you can’t ignore the emptiness you feel from loosing the tiniest bit of contact from him “You can’t be serious Jay. You can’t say that and then leave?” you both fall silent as you wait for the other to speak but you weren’t going to crack first.

“I didn’t plan on coming here Y/N. I didn’t think I would be standing here saying this to you but you were on the phone to Adam and instead of me heading home I found myself coming here to make sure you got home safe. I wish I didn’t care if you were on the phone to him when you walked home, but I do Y/N. I care that it’s me that you choose to keep you company and I’m the one to make sure you’re safe because quite frankly I don’t trust anyone else and especially you to make sure that you are. You’re the most caring person I know and honestly it terrifies me because I know you won’t stop at anything to make sure everyone around you is fine, even if it means that you aren’t and I’m sorry but it’s true”. The way his chest is quickly rising and falling from his outburst stuns you, you’d seen him loose control of his emotions before but not like this. He always struggles to hide his true feelings and shows alot of emotion, but in more actions than words and you never thought you’d see him act this way towards you. 

“That’s great Jay, just great. Here you are turning up at my door because you don’t trust me to keep myself safe. You’re my partner Jay you’re supposed to trust me an-” you begin to retaliate but yet again he is there to cut you off “I do trust you Y/N. I trust you with my life and I trust you a fuck tonne more than anyone else I know but I know you won’t stop at anything to make sure everyone else is okay, so is it so bad that I wanted to make sure you got home safe?” you find him now stood inches from you and you had absentmindedly mirrored his actions but tensely hanging your arms by your side, so rigid that you can’t bring yourself to move them “So what, if I asked you to stay. Would you?” you half heartedly laugh as you almost expect him to shrug if off and give you some funny look.

“Of course I would Y/N. Are you not listening to me? I would stay tonight, I would stay tomorrow. I would stay every god damn day if I could. I don’t wait you on the phone to another guy when it should be me, I should be the one making you feel safe and not anyone else” his tone and volume picks up again just when he seemed to be calming down and you curse yourself for making him react this way again. You take another step towards him as he tries to say something else, you raise your finger to his lip to stop him. His eyes flicker between your fingertip and then back to you in confusion but he doesn’t say another word. The desperation in his eyes as he scans your face makes your heart ache and you feel it alight something within you “Just don’t say another word” you bring your face towards him and place a quick kiss onto his skin “Take your anger out on me”. You run your fingertip along his jawline run your thumb along his bottom lip to place another kiss to the side of his neck “Y/N” he warns, his voice now in a low and much more serious tone.

“I mean it Jay, everything you just said. Prove it to me” you continue to trail light pecks along his skin and leading up the the corner of his mouth “Don’t start something you don’t want to finish” the way he grips at your hips makes you edge them towards him, earning a low moan to escape from his lips “Prove it to me Jay, prove why it should be you and no one else” you taunt as he locks his eyes with yours, he nudges at your legs which are positioned together so his knee slips between them “you have no idea what you’ve just let yourself in for”.

***

[the-hidden-pages]

Let Me Worship You: Part 1 - Zemo x Fem!Reader

The fact that this man is the one who dragged me out of my refusing-to-write-fanfiction grave and let me post old work while working on new stuff is...Impressive. Damn you Daniel Bruhl.

Synopsis: With all the horrible things you had heard of Baron Helmut Zemo, you hadn't anticipated just how badly he wished to win you over. To a further extent, you certainly hadn't anticipated how tempting it would be to give in.

No bad NSFW this chapter - this is the lead up to the main course.

You were not an Avenger.

Unsurprising, really, given what you perceived to be your lack of talent and marketable super-heroine prowess, and so when Bucky called you up asking for a favour, you were pleasantly surprised.

You had only met Bucky on the rare occasion he let you help him, often expressing that he viewed you as a worrywart, a particularly bad day of his leading to him accusing you of trying to be his mother. He later apologized, hearing your explanation that you wanted to help in any way you could, and since you didn't have a superhero serum or fancy suit or arm, you relied on what you could - your mind and your giving nature.

He must have remembered this conversation, because he brought you with him and Sam to what appeared to be an underground parking garage.

"What're you talking about, you wanna break Zemo out of jail? Where the hell are we Buck? Have you lost your mind?!" Sam was raving as you followed behind the two men, silent as you stew over what Bucky had told you.

Babysitting duty.

You were effectively on glorified babysitting duty of an incredibly dangerous criminal.

"James..." you hesitated when he discussed this with you, how could you not? "I don't know how useful I'll be here."

"Very," he countered, his voice dull while his eyes were pleading. "Sam’s an Avenger, I have the serum. But you, you're just a person. Zemo will be less likely to hurt and immediately betray you because of that fact alone."

"He's killed people who've been in his way before. Normal people."

"He won't kill you. I'll make sure of that."

A heavy sigh escapes you as Sam and Bucky continue to bicker about the logistics of breaking Zemo out.

"I don't like how casual you're being about this, it's unnatural - and - where are we man?"

"I wouldn't mind an answer to that too," you supply, but any answer is interrupted by the sound of a door unlocking.

The three of you turn to approaching footsteps, and find no one other than Helmut Zemo striding towards you, dressed in a prison guard's uniform.

Sam responds immediately, arguing to throw him back in jail, while Bucky tries to calm him down. But you can't help but stare at the man before you as he removes the cap on his head, arms raised in an attempt to calm the men down.

"If I may" his voice rasped, but he was stopped short by Sam and Bucky in unison.

"NO!"

Zemo nodded, looking away almost sheepishly. "Apologies," came the quiet response.

If it were any other situation, you would have laughed - those two had the dynamics of a married couple and they couldn't stand each other. And for them to completely shut down the killer in front of them was...incredibly funny.

But you had a job to do.

As the boys continued to bicker, you took slow steps forward towards the man now looking you up and down, trying to place your part in all of this.

"Don't mind them," you spoke quietly, not wanting to distract Sam and Bucky, but still intending to speak with the criminal. "They're having some troubles in paradise. You must be Zemo."

His eyes take you in, a small smirk beginning to form. "So I must. May I have the pleasure of your name, Liebling?"

You offer your name hesitantly, and he repeats it back to you, as though he were sampling what it might taste like.

"Beautiful name, thank you." He turns to face the two men still arguing, not noticing your introductions. "I really think I'm invaluable..."

"Shut up..." Sam warned, before turning back to Bucky, looking between him and you.

You nod reassuringly to him - this is necessary, if the super soldiers are to be dealt with.

A sharp sigh leaves Sam. "Okay. If we do this, you don't make a move without our permission. And she is watching you every step of the way."

Bucky interjects. "And if anything happens to her, you're going to wish we left you in that cell."

Zemo nods, looking to you once again. "Fair."

You tilt your head slightly, unable to read his eyes as they examine you. You brush it off, chalking it up to him appreciating not being thrown back into a cell immediately. "Okay Zemo. Where do we start?"

*************************************

Zemo wasn't sure of what to make of you, he realized as you were on the jet to Riga.

You weren't an Avenger, you weren't a soldier, super or otherwise. You seemed to just be a person, one constantly offering her help where she could, even when it was to her own detriment.

He also took note of how rarely your help was appreciated or reciprocated.

You would offer help any moment you could, carrying supplies, offering to fetch food, simply offering and ear to listen. You were quick to attempt to smooth over Sam and Bucky's disputes, and you would play along with the role Zemo would assign you without much question - anything to help, you would say.

You were kind, he noticed as well. Smart, and shrewd, and clearly with trust issues, but you were kind and polite. You spoke with him as much as you might Sam or Bucky, you offered him your trust under the promise he would aide you find the super soldier serum. With your kindness, he thought it might be easy to manipulate you, to slip away from the group, maybe even to ask you to join him.

But there was an issue with his theory, he quickly noticed - any attempt to woo you, attract you, win you...didn't seem to work.

He hadn't been at the task long, mind you, but he had hoped you would be impressed with the jacket, the Baron title, the jet, the offer of wine. Instead, you simply seemed uncomfortable. Come Madripoor, you were happy to play the part of eye candy to escape much attention, yet when he offered you to keep the stunning dress, shoes, and jewelry ensemble you simply waved it off, claiming that you'd reimburse him if he insisted on you keeping it. You were happy to dance near him, unable to hide your laughter at his moves, yet he offered you a drink and you promptly declined, claiming it unnecessary.

Zemo's brow furrows as he observes you, awake and quietly reading as Sam and Bucky both sleep on the flight.

"What's your motive, Liebling?" he questions, and you glance up from your page.

"Don't tell me the criminal doesn't trust me," you respond wryly, turning your gaze back.

"No, I don't mean like that," he shifts, leaning forward to continue to observe the woman that was his guard. "I wonder what keeps you going. Some are motivated by riches, and dreams. Others from spite and anger. What do you want from life, my dear? What causes you to wake up in the morning?"

You pause, looking up to search his eyes to see where this question was coming from. You weren't sure what game he was playing, and you weren't sure how to answer him either. You eventually look back down to your book, a small smile playing on your lips.

"Nothing wakes me up in the morning, given I rarely get to sleep most nights."

His brows furrowed as she goes back to her pages, eager for the conversation to end. Her difficulty doesn't seem to be that he's a criminal - she's spoken plenty freely to him, she agrees to his plans...

The difficulty, he begins to realize with a smile. Maybe he's beginning to see what the difficulty is after all.

*************************************

You weren't sure what to make of Zemo, you think as you lie awake at night in the Riga safe house.

This criminal coming out of nowhere, apparently being rich as hell, so far doing nothing to cause you to believe he would betray you (yes, Sam and Bucky were shocked by his killing of Nagel, but really? You weren't shocked) ...but what shocked you the most was how badly he seemed to want to win you over.

You could justify it, sure. You're supposed to be his guard, he's likely trying to get you to let your guard down so he can escape. Yet when he's so charismatic, the way he holds himself, that voice...

Your eyes snap open sharply.

You were attracted to Zemo.

The man you're meant to be watching.

No, you told yourself. You're just lonely, and he's the first man offering you attention in a long time. It doesn't matter that his eyes examining you makes you blush, that you want to run your fingers through his hair, that a quiet voice your head wished that he would kiss you when he pulled you aside with one arm, other hand aiming at a pipe in Madripoor to blow up some poor saps...

It's the heat of the situation, you told yourself. Your options are Sam, Bucky, and Zemo...

Trust you to pick the worst option.

But how could you not, your mind whispers. When he danced like a goofball in a club your heart warmed. When he sat, filled with confidence and righteousness in the jet, legs splayed enough that you could perch on your knees in front of him, worship him, pleasure him. When he left the bathroom this morning in that damned robe, the deep V drawing your eyes down his chest before you could help himself.

You groaned. Of all the thoughts to keep you awake, why did it have to be your assignment on your mind?

It was too hot, your mind was swimming, you knew sleep wouldn't come soon.

And so, you stood, wrapping your arms around your book and padding downstairs in a loose t-shirt and shorts. Zemo had said that you were welcome to whatever resided within the safe house, and you were ready to take up his offer and steal a cup of tea.

You weren't expecting to find anyone else still awake. And yet, you weren't fully surprised to find Zemo sitting in the kitchen, bottle of whiskey at his side, a glass in his hand. He looks up at the sound of your footsteps, a soft smile on his face.

"Good evening, Liebling."

"Zemo. Can't sleep?"

"Unfortunately, not." He leans backwards slightly, examining you. "Another sleepless night for you as well."

"So it would seem."

You take a seat across the counter from him, not wanting to sit too closely to the man you were just fantasizing about. You were good at keeping a straight face, but you wondered if you got too close if he'd somehow be able to smell it on you.

He pushed his bottle forward, cocking an eyebrow at you.

"Drink?"

Your finger caresses the binding of your book as you hesitate to find the words.

"Actually, I had come down to make myself a cup of tea, if you don't mind."

Zemo's eyes lit up slightly, and he stood, motioning for you to stay where you were. "Allow me."

"You don't have to-" you begin to protest, but he's quick to cut you off.

"Please, Liebling, let me spoil you."

The heat that washes over you is clearly visible, if his chuckle is any indicator.

Silence falls and you quietly open your book as Zemo busies himself over the tea. In mere minutes a steeping mug is delicately placed in front of you. You smile graciously and nod, though you falter slightly as he doesn't return to the other end of the counter - rather, sitting on a stool right beside you, inquisitive eyes not leaving your face.

"Can I help you with something, Baron?" you question, taking the tea and blowing on it to cool it down somewhat. His eyes follow your movements, before travelling to meet yours again.

You could drown in those eyes -

"Day after day you offer your help, sarcastically or not," he begins, leaning forward slightly as he rests his chin on his hand, examining you. "Who offers help to the helper?"

You take a sip of your tea, tilting you head. "I don't know what you mean."

"Your refusal of my gifts, your reluctance to let me even make you a cup of tea - at first I wondered if it was in distrust of me, Liebling -"

"Well, you have killed people."

He quirks an eyebrow, and you motion for him to finish.

"I realize now it's because you're uncomfortable being cared for. You spend so much time looking after everyone else, you give no one the opportunity to worship you as you deserve."

You choked a bit on your tea at that.

"I don't know that I deserve to be worshiped, I just...exist. And do what I can to help others."

Zemo leaned forward further, slowly, so as to not push you away in result. "We haven't been acquainted for long, my dear, but from all I've seen from you with Sam, with James, and with an undeserving man such as myself...the strength in your soul and the empathy in your heart...It alone rises you so far above the men and women placed on pedestals because of their supernatural abilities."

You lean forward to match, but your eyes have steeled over. "Your sweet words won't make me let you go, Zemo. I won't betray Sam and Bucky."

He didn't miss a beat. "I should be so lucky to be held captive by you for eternity, Liebling. I don't ask you to betray your friends on my behalf."

"Then what do you want from me, exactly?"

You should be very afraid. The man who singlehandedly tore apart the Avengers is staring at you as if you were a last meal, his knees touching yours, his hand finding its way to lightly perch on your arm.

You should be afraid.

Yet despite your better judgement, you aren't.

"I want you to tell me every one of your desires, so I might fulfill them. I want to see you stand tall in the finest clothes money can buy, to whisk you away to Paris, Vienna, Rome, every beautiful local this world has to offer, local that pale in comparison to the beauty in front of me. I want you to let me bring you tea, wine, food, chocolates, and anything else that might please you. I want you to relax against me, to feel the tension you've had all mission to wash away in the most luxurious bath of your life, while I wash your beautiful hair, while I taste every inch of you."

His voice had dropped to nearly a whisper, and you couldn't stop yourself from leaning forward more to hang off his every word. "I'm not a stupid man. I know it's only a matter of time before I'm back in a prison cell of some kind. And even if I weren't, you may not believe the sincerity of my words. But tonight, little bird, I want you to let me worship you."

Your eyes fluttered as his hand reached forward to cup your cheek, thumb caressing over your bottom lip. You had the strength to look him dead in the eye with one final warning.

"If this is a trick of any kind, Zemo, I won't hesitate to let Bucky rip you to shreds."

The laughter that leaves him fans over your face, drawing your eyes to his lips.

"I'd expect nothing less, Liebling."

His eyes still search your face. A gentleman, you realize. He's waiting for permission.

You lean forward to close the gap, slowly letting your mouth brush over his, tasting him for the first time, as your hand raises to card through the locks of hair in his face. Your body thrums with anticipation of what's to come, with the anxiety that this may be a dangerous move, with pure, undiluted arousal from his words.

Yet you break away gently, both hands cupping his face now as he looks at you, curious as to why you stopped, pleased that his initial seduction worked.

Your hands slowly travel down to his own, and you stand, backing towards the way you came when you first gave up on sleep for the night.

"Come on then. You want to show me what being spoiled is like?"

A grin curls its way onto his face as he spins you in his arms, twirling you so that your back is against his front, his arms around you, his breath hot in your ear.

"Little bird, I'll give you everything you crave and more."

[firelxdykatara]

ppl love to forget that katara: 1. has her own taste, 2. developed around aang, he needed her for his development and vice versa, 3. ZUTARA IS SHIP BETWEEN AN OPPRESOR X OPPRESSED!!! Ignoring all of the development they had with their respective partners and the trauma Zuko caused Katara!!

In the infamous words of one Luke Skywalker: amazing. every word of what you just said was wrong.

It’s actually kind of ironic that you bring up Katara’s taste, since, throughout the show, we have examples of the guys she likes, to greater or lesser extents in canon--Jet (explicit romantic feelings on her part, word of god that jet was her first kiss--a kiss that would have been consensual, incidentally, something you should keep in mind for later) and Haru (she denies the crush, but that could just as easily have been because of the abomination he’d been growing on his lip rather than denying those feelings ever existed), both of whom have much more in common (in terms of both emotional and physical maturity, and physical appearance) with Zuko than either of them has with Aang.

Zuko’s book 3 hairstyle is almost exactly reminiscent of Jet’s, even, if not quite as floofy.

(This is probably in part because of Jet’s function as a foil of Zuko within the narrative, particularly given their book 2 encounters, which I think just further solidifies my point that, were it not for extenuating circumstances [like the fact that Zuko was introduced as an enemy and they had significant obstacles to hurdle before they could be friends], Zuko would have been exactly Katara’s type. Had they met under different circumstances, she could have been the girl he went on a date with in Ba Sing Se. Just something to think about.)

So, yes, we’ve established that Katara has her own taste. Her tastes seem to be boys with great hair who are taller than her, the same age or older, and of a similar maturity level.

Aang falls short (heh, short) on all counts. So it isn’t Katara’s taste in boys that led her to be interested in him. Hm!

Next, you claim that Katara ‘developed around Aang’--that she was necessary for his development, and that he was necessary for hers.

Let’s take a moment to examine that, shall we?

I will absolutely grant you that Katara was necessary for Aang’s development--only to a point, of course, but we’ll get to that later--but was he really necessary for Katara‘s growth? I suppose I could grant you this on a generous technicality--he did, after all, provide her with the means to finally leave the South Pole and find a waterbending master to teach her (although she wound up largely self-taught anyway). But that had nothing to do with his relationship to Katara and everything to do with the structure of the plot--Katara and Sokka find Aang (and he never would have gotten out of that iceberg without Katara’s own righteous anger, so even that leads back to her own power), and then they go on a quest to find teachers for the Chosen One and save the world.

The story could not have begun without first finding Aang and then providing means for the other main characters to travel with him (or, in Zuko’s case, chase him), but this has nothing at all to do with Aang’s relationship to Katara. Aang was not a mover in Katara’s developmental arc--if anything, he acted as an obstacle more often than not, his actions ranging from innocent but obnoxious (playing and flirting with girls rather than helping with chores like picking up vital supplies, leaving Katara to do all of the quite literal heavy lifting and keeping her stuck in the role of caretaker that she’d been thrust into following the death of her mother), to deliberate and harmful (hiding the map to Katara and Sokka’s father, a truly selfish action, regardless of his lack of malicious intent, and one for which he never actually apologized), to somewhere in between (”she didn’t really mean that” he says to the man refusing to train Katara because she’s a girl, when yes, she very much did mean that, and Aang was no help in finally getting the old codger to eat his words--Katara had to shove them down his throat her own damn self).

While Katara’s overall arc wasn’t exactly big and dynamic (like Zuko’s redemption arc), or in-your-face (like Sokka getting force-fed Respect Women Juice and his eventual growth into a tactician and leader), it was very much present and woven into her character--and Aang had almost no part in it. He provided her with the means to get to the North Pole, but left Katara alone to fight the patriarchy herself. He messed around while Katara took it on herself to do the chores and keep the Gaang alive, but he did almost nothing to decrease that burden so she could grow out of the caretaker role. (Contrary to popular shipper claims, Aang didn’t actually teach Katara to have fun. She already knew how to have fun. But she couldn’t indulge, because she had a responsibility to her family and her tribe, and later to her brother and Aang and Toph, and Aang goofing off and trying to get her to do the same only added to her burdens rather than subtracting from them.) He provided Katara with the necessary motive to learn to heal herself, but he certainly didn’t seem to learn from the experience of accidentally burning her, preferring instead to claim he was never going to firebend again, despite already knowing, at that point, that he was going to need to master fire along with the other elements to become a fully realized Avatar and defeat the Firelord.

He didn’t help Katara keep them alive during The Desert. (In fact, he ran off, leaving her to desperately try to keep Sokka and Toph from succumbing to the heat while worrying for his safety.) In The Painted Lady, Katara makes the decision to stall the Gaang and do what she can to help the Fire Nation villagers on her own--Aang agrees to help her when he finds out, but he wasn’t actually instrumental in her making that choice. The Puppetmaster was, again, Katara finding a master of her own, and having to deal with the fallout from that. And in The Southern Raiders, Aang was--perhaps unknowingly, if I’m being generous, because he is a child and could not reasonably be expected to fully understand the implications of what he was asking her to do or why it was impossible--actively impeding Katara’s development! She desperately needed closure, something he could not understand and actively belittled and dismissed. The only reason he relented in the end (but not without a condescending ‘I forgive you! Does that give you any ideas???’ parting shot lmao) was because Katara was planning to take Appa anyway, and letting her go (and hoping she’d just magically wind up doing things his way) was easier than trying to fight her on it.

While Aang’s existence was necessary for Katara to start down her own path, she needed neither his guidance nor his approval to follow it--and absolutely nothing would change about Katara’s arc if you removed their romantic relationship entirely.

Possibly because the only changes needed to do so would be to remove the two times Aang kissed Katara without her consent (which, hopefully, no one would actually miss), and the epilogue kiss (which was awkward and unnecessary to begin with, since ending the entire show on a romantic kiss as the final shot kind of missed the point of the story to begin with, but that’s another discussion). None of these kisses (which are the only moments in which Katara’s feelings for Aang are so much as addressed; do note that addressing them, or hinting that they needed to be, is not the same as saying she exhibited any sign of reciprocating them) altered anything about Katara’s behavior, her personal arc, or (and perhaps most critically) her relationship with Aang.

It’s that last point that is really damning, as far as ‘Katara obviously had feelings for Aang, she kissed him in the finale!’ goes. Because she didn’t ‘obviously’ have feelings for him. And the fact that he kissed her before the invasion and then she forgot about it (she literally had no idea what he was talking about during the play’s intermission until he reminded her that he’d kissed her) is pretty clear evidence that she didn’t actually have feelings for him. Not the kind he had for her.

I’ve been a teenage girl. I know what it’s like to be surprise!kissed by your crush. And I absolutely for a full fact know that I had not completely forgotten about that kiss three months later and had, in fact, spent most of my waking hours thinking about it and remembering it and trying to talk to him about it. Now, granted, I was not in the middle of a war, but even if I had been, I doubt I would have needed reminding about the fact that the boy I’ve supposedly been developing feelings for had kissed me and showed clearly that he had those feelings for me too.

At the very least, if Katara was harboring feelings that she was worried about approaching until after the war, her relationship dynamic with Aang should have shifted. But it didn’t. She acted the exact same way with him after the Day of Black Sun as she did before it--that is, as a mother figure and a caretaker, responsible for his wellbeing. (And it’s clear she never took him down off the pedestal she needed him to occupy, either--let it not be said that the unhealthy aspects of their relationship only went one way.)

And book 3 is, incidentally, where Katara went from being vital to Aang’s development to being detrimental to it--or, rather, Aang’s refusal to let go of his attachment to her (despite ostensibly having done as much at the end of book 2) was. Because despite having been told by, perhaps, the greatest authority left in the world on Air Nomad culture (even more than Aang, who had left his temple with a child’s understanding of his culture that was never able to mature because he got stuck in the ice berg while his people were wiped out) that he had to let go of his possessive attachment to this girl who never even expressed the possibility that she might harbor romantic feelings for him to begin with, after Azula killed him and Katara brought him back, he went right back into the mindset of Katara is mine, it’s just a matter of time.

And the narrative validated him for it.

Notice how, during Ember Island Players, Aang says the following (emphasis mine):

“We kissed at the invasion, and I thought we were gonna be together. But we’re not.”

First of all, if you go back and watch the scene, it’s clear it wasn’t a mutual kiss. Aang sprang a surprise kiss on Katara, which left her shocked and unhappy after he flew off. (The decision to have her looking away and frowning was a deliberate one on the part of Bryke, who wanted Katara’s feelings kept ambiguous. Heaven forbid you allow the animators to make it clear that this fourteen-year-old girl who was just kissed without her consent by someone she’d never once demonstrated romantic feelings toward might actually have some. Heaven forbid she have a little agency in her own romantic narrative. But whatever.)

Second, he says he thought they were gonna be together.

He thought.

He never once even asked Katara what she thought--or even how she felt. He just assumes. He assumes that if he kisses her, she’ll kiss him back and they’ll get together. He assumes that she must have feelings for him, even though her body language is closed off and she told him with her words that she did not want to talk or think about this right now, and kisses her regardless of those signals, upsetting her and leading her to storm off.

And the narrative rewards him, because despite the fact that they don’t have a single significant scene together after that second disastrous kiss, Katara just decides off-screen that she Does Love Him Really and walks onto the balcony to make out with him.

The upshot of all this being that, while Katara was indeed instrumental to a lot of Aang’s early growth and development, Aang was not necessary for her own arc, and their romantic relationship (such as it was) actively hampered Aang’s development in book 3, while removing it would change absolutely nothing for Katara (except saving her from some painfully embarrassing memories).

As far as your third point, I’m simply not going to get baited into explaining how reducing Zutara to an ‘oppressor/oppressed’ relationship is not only insulting to interracial couples irl (not to mention any other couple with a potentially unbalanced dynamic of societal power, since there are many more axis of oppression than just racial), but demeaning to Zuko and Katara, their personal arcs as well as their relationship development together.

However, I will point out that Zuko was not responsible for any of Katara’s trauma. She did not find violence and fighting in bending battles to be traumatic--in fact, she reveled in it. She enjoyed fighting against Zuko at multiple points (especially noticeable in their battle at the end of book 1), because she wanted to fight--she always had--and once she had the ability, she was ready to throw down with anyone who gave her the slightest reason. (Including, by the way, her own potential waterbending master.) Aang’s death at the end of book 2 was Azula’s doing, and while I think that contributed to Katara’s extreme reaction to Zuko joining the gaang, it was not something for which she actively blamed him, and it wasn’t something she believed would be repeated--she let him go off alone on a journey to find the original firebending masters with Aang well before she chose to forgive him. So she already trusted Zuko’s intentions and that Aang would be safe with him.

Finally, because this has gotten long enough already, I hope you now understand that Zuko and Katara getting together would not require ignoring any of their development with their canonical romantic partners. We’ve already established that Katara’s arc wouldn’t change in the slightest if all of Aang’s romantic advances were removed, and I haven’t even gotten into how Mai meant nothing in the grand scheme of Zuko’s development because I’m pretty sure that’s just self-evident. I mean, the video compilation put together by Nick showcasing Zuko’s journey throughout the series doesn’t include a single scene with Mai, though it does include several with Katara, and even Jin makes an appearance--because Katara, and even Jin, played key roles in Zuko’s personal journey, while his relationship with Mai happened entirely off-screen and her only real function was to showcase just how unhealthy trying to force himself back into the role of the Crown Prince was for him.

What development, exactly, is there between them to even ignore?

At any rate, I’ve gone on long enough--I hope you enjoy the fact that you activated my wordvomit trap card right when i was about to go to bed, anon, because I just spent two hours writing this instead. In case you’re interested in the TL;DR: at the end of the day, there was no meaningful, mutual development in Kataang’s romantic relationship, and those romantic feelings that did exist were largely one-sided and ultimately detrimental to Aang’s development in the final third of his overall arc. Meanwhile, Mai meant nothing to Zuko’s journey--rather like Aang’s romantic overtures, she could be removed from the show completely and nothing about his story would change--while Zuko and Katara were both vital to each other’s overall storylines, arcs and development. This, coupled with the fact that Zuko never actually traumatized Katara and, in fact, helped her achieve closure from the biggest source of her own trauma, means that Zuko and Katara have better and more believable build up that could potentially lead to a romantic relationship than either of them have with their canon romantic partners.

So no, anon, I didn’t forget anything--I think you may have, though. Perhaps a rewatch is in order? Make sure not to close your eyes for the back half of book 3 this time.

[valwentinefics]

Altruism Ch.1 (Zemo x Reader x Bucky)

A/N: Here it is ya’ll, my thank you for 100 followers series! I know 100 isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of things but I’m just a random girl who’s super insecure about her writing, so having 100 people who like it is really exciting for me! Thank you! 

This chapter is just setting things up, don’t worry there’ll be more romantic things in the next chapter onward.

Masterlist

Warnings: spoilers for tfatws ep 3

Y/n walked into the mechanics garage with soft careful steps, not sure if she had gotten the right address. She glanced down at her phone, double checking. Yep, this was the right place. The garage smelled of gas, the scent almost making her dizzy as she approached the bickering voices that bounced off the concrete walls. It took a few moments to recognize them, but once she did the tension slipped out of her body and she closed the pocket knife she had been wielding. She walked around a car and to the two men, who didn’t acknowledge her presence if they noticed it. 

“I don’t like how casual you’re being about this, this is unnatural.” Sam looked around, exasperated. “And where are we man, what does Y/n have to do with this?” He questioned, giving Y/n a small nod hello that she returned with a friendly wave.

Before Bucky had time to speak, the click of a door opening rang throughout the garage, turning everyone’s attention to the shrinking shadow of a man approaching, only to be revealed as Zemo once he pushed past the clear plastic divider. Sam looked shocked, moving forward swiftly to confront the man.

“Woah...woah, woah, woah! Hey! What are you doing here?” Asked Sam, held back by Bucky. 

“Did he not tell you the plan?” Asked Y/n. “Bucky you need to tell people your plans, it's rude to not.” Y/n scolded, feeling bad for Sam having to be shoved into this. She side eyed Zemo as he approached, side stepping closer to the arguing men to get away from him.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you wouldn’t let this happen!” Bucky explained as if that was a good reason to hide something so big.

Y/n watched as Sam and Bucky bickered about Zemo, wishing she had the guts to say no to people. She was a pushover, and saying no to a friend just felt rude, especially a friend like Bucky who was for the most part alone. It was perhaps her fatal flaw, her inability to say no to someone in need. It made her a great nurse and an even better friend, but a not so happy person. Sometimes she wished she could just yell no to the next person who asked something of her, but the fear of saying to outweighed her need to have alone time to rest and feel better.

“If I may…” Zemo began to say something, taking off the prison guard hat. Y/n had to admit, objectively and not out of her own opinion, he looked good in the uniform.

“No!” Shouted both Sam and Bucky simultaneously, fed up with him already. Y/n could see why they needed her around now, they would lose their patience with him quickly.  

“...Apologies…” Zemo said, looking down. Y/n almost felt bad for him. Almost.

“When Steve refused to sign the Sokovia accords you two backed him. You broke the law and you stuck your neck out, for me. I’m asking you to do it again.” Bucky said to both Y/n and Sam.

“And I will Bucky, don’t worry we’re friends, I have your back!” Y/n smiled at him, wanting to turn around and leave. She really didn’t want to do this, but they were friends after all and that meant sticking her neck out for him.

“I really think I’m invaluable-” Zemo began, clearly not learning his lesson from the last time he spoke.

“Shut up!” Sam sighed, tired of Zemo already. “Okay if we’re going to do this, you don’t make a move without our permission.”

“Fair.” He replied

Sam looked at him, he also seemed like he didn't really want to do this “Okay Zemo… Where do we start?” 

Zemo smirked a bit before leading them through the plastic divider and to a room filled with many old and expensive cars. Y/n was too focused examining them to listen to what the others were saying, figuring she would just figure it out eventually. She walked around an old red car, admiring how shiny it was despite how long it must have been since it was driven. She was too focused on admiring it to notice Bucky's approach.

“Thanks, for saying yes. It means a lot.” Thanked the stoic man who put his hand on the side of the car, only to pull it away when Y/n gave him a pointed glare because he would smudge it. 

“Anything for you Bucky, you know that.” Y/n smiled at the super soldier. “But are you sure about this? About Zemo? He could turn on us at any minute.”

Bucky nodded. “I’m sure. We need him Y/n, he’s our best chance at taking down the Flag Smashers.”

Y/n sighed. To be honest she sympathised with the Flag Smashers, having just become accustomed to a new normal, only to be kicked out of their new homes and tossed onto the streets, but she didn’t voice her opinion to Bucky, she knew he’d disagree

“Whatever you say Bucky…” Y/n sighed, looking down until Bucky’s hand touched her shoulder. He was about to say something when Zemo’s voice interrupted and his hand jerked away.

“We’re going to need to scale a ladder of lowlives, first a mid level fence named Selbie that I still have a line on, from there we climb.” Zemo stated, holding a jacket and a light brown leather bag in his hands. He glanced back to the three people behind him, Y/n throwing Bucky a nervous smile before rushing to follow Zemo.

-

“So all this time you’ve been rich?” Sam asked as the four approached Zemo’s private jet. Y/n was shocked. From how he dressed last time she saw him, Y/n had assumed he was just a normal middle class man.

“I’m a baron Sam. My family was royalty until your friends destroyed my country.”

Y/n felt shame deep in her body as Zemo greeted his pilot and they boarded the plane. She didn’t know much about Zemo. She didn’t know his motives for doing what he did to her friends, but she did know that as a result of her friends actions his country was destroyed and she felt terrible. She sometimes at night still felt the pain of the wounds of the sokovian citizens burning into her skin as she took them from them. 

That was her power, to take the wounds from others and give them to herself with only slightly accelerated healing to compensate. Y/n became nothing but a glorified nurse to the Avengers, only receiving words of thanks for her efforts and nothing more, other than Bucky and Steve of course, they were above and beyond making sure she was okay, especially Bucky. She had long accepted that the other Avengers were too busy to truly make sure she was okay like those two had done, but it and the pain she could still feel from the Sokovian incident were both factors in why she retired after the Avengers own civil war.

She looked up from her lap, finding herself in the seat across from Zemo, who was watching her with his head slightly tilted. She must have been lost in her thoughts for a while as per usual, seeing Sam doze off and Bucky with headphones in looking out the window. Y/n crossed and uncrossed her legs, looking around the plane with nothing to do. She was too nervous to bite the bullet and start a conversation with Zemo. Luckily for her, he spoke up. 

“We’re going to Madripoor.” Zemo stated, his voice causing Y/n to look him in his eyes. “You seemed a little out of it while I was explaining it, I assumed you would like to know.” 

Y/n was hesitant to reply, not knowing if she should be having a conversation with him. “Thank you.”

Zemo took a sip of what Y/n assumed was champagne judging from the glass. “If you don’t mind my asking, what were you thinking of?”

Y/n didn’t see a reason not to tell him, letting out a small sigh. “I was thinking of Sokovia…” Zemo’s head tilt looked as if it was encouraging her to go on. His eyes had a strange way of making it seem as if she was the only person in the world when she spoke. “My power… I used it a lot back then… I tried to do the best I could to help the civilians.”

For a few moments  Zemo looked as if he was looking through Y/n and back at that day before replying, snapping out of whatever mindset he was in for those moments. “Your power. Is an interesting one, but I’ve always wondered… You do so much for other people. What do they do for you?”

-

Tag list: Let me know if you would like to be added

[happyselves]

Disaster qualification ( A Portimao story ) { Daniel Ricciardo x reader }

You were searching for your best friend Daniel in the paddock and garage of Mclaren, but he was nowhere to be found, you even asked a mechanic and some journalist. It wasn't his kind to leave like that and he wasn't answering his phone, but after that terrible qualification where he didn't pass through Q1, you weren't surprised. He needed a break, he was feeling pressure and anxious and you never saw him like that before, of course he knew that he needed time to adapt his driving style adn himself to his new car to make it one ,but he was starting to feel depressed as it wasn't going as fast as he thought. That's a thing you like in Daniel, he will always have that competitive side in him even after 10 years doing the job. His determination was always there, but he needed things to go as he planned otherwise he was starting to doubt himself and everything was starting to go downhill. You knew that he needed just a little push, a little sign that he was doing something good and he was evolving or going in the right way, it was a matter of time but he was so stubborn and impatient.

After more than an hour of searching for him you find his engineer who told you that he was quiet the whole debrief and just mumbled a quick " I'm going back to the hotel ". So that's where he was, back in the hotel, probably at the gym hitting the frustration away on some punching ball perhaps. His engineer asked you if you wanted to take the ride to go back to the hotel with them since he left you all alone in the paddock. You couldn't believe he let you there, even Michael. You needed to have a talk with him too after you find Daniel and scold him as well.

Arriving in the hotel lobby you ask at the front desk where the gym was and they show you the direction, but when you enter it, no trace of Daniel or MIchael, well there must be only one place he could be and you were heading to eat now. You knock on his bedroom door, once, twice and one last time before remembering that he actually gave you one spare key if you needed anything, you didn't really know why he did but right now you were glad he did as you opened the door. It was dark, all the countain were close and only an ambiance light was on, and then you find him, sitting on the floor, only wearing a long shirt and his boxers, the rest of his clothes messy on the floor. He didn't even look up when he heard someone coming in, perfectly knowing it was you, plus he was to focus on his big tub of ice cream that was already halfway through eaten. You silently sit next to him, your head laying on the edge of the bed, watching the ceiling. You didn't have to wait long for him to offer you his spoon for you to take some of his vanilla ice cream. Vanilla ... so cliche yet you knew that when he was feeling down it was always the one it would choose because it was a safe choice. You took the spoon and dug it in the melted ice cream before bringing it to your lips, where he finally looked at you.

" Are you here to scold me or to witness my misery ? " he asks you, almost lost in his mind as his eyes focus on your lips where some vanilla fell down the spoon, he licked his own lips as he was waiting for you to answer.

" I don't know, I was going to kick your ass for forgetting me at the track then ice cream came into the party so I guess you already know what I think of what you did, right ? " You were now going to sit straight in front of him.

" I fucked up ... " he was defeated, like he lost hope and belief in him and it never happened to him before, maybe once or twice in his career but not recently, not when everyone including him knows how great of a driver he is. It's like your heart broke at the sight of him like this.

" You know that didn't mean anything, you will be better tomorrow, I know you know it too." You tried to reassure him, putting your hands on his knees, searching for his gaze, but you felt it didn't really work this time.

" No, look at the reality, I still can't do anything in this car, I don't know why, that's not them it's me and I'm scared I won't be able to deliver what I promised them" Yes you definitely never saw him like that, the team wasn't really putting pressure on him, they knew he needed time and everyone one else, if there were someone to blame here, that would be the media here, you were sure of it, Daniel isn't someone to give up, even when it hurts, he take the punch and fight back silently if he needs to, showing everyone the flame he had in him the next day. The flame wasn't here right now, you were searching for it as he finally locked eyes with you, but it was nowhere to be found. How will you be able to bring it back ?

" Daniel ... look at me " you took the ice cream tub away from his hands to put it as far on the floor as possible. Your hands find his face directly after that, taking his cheeks in your palm to force him to face you.

" You are Daniel Ricciardo, you are not done at all and you will get up and do better tomorrow, this qualification didn't mean anything even your team isn't mad about it, Daniel don't start to listen to the media again, you know they are just trying to write on blank paper because they don't have better story to feed themselves with. You are better than this and you need to believe in yourself the same way I believe in you, otherwise you might just quit then and we both know you are not a quitter. " This long motivational sentence felt more like a declaration to your friend and by the way his eyes showed a bit of sparkle, you knew you had reached him there. His eyes were focused on yours and you felt they were piercing your soul making you suddenly feel very shy, your own cheeks blushing. You didn't let go of Daniel's face, blown away by how handsome he was in this moment, so vulnerable under your touch. The new emotion you were discovering of him was drawing new lines on his beautiful face, making him even more mesmerizing. Your fingers were caressing his skin like he was the most precious thing in the world. These tired lines make him slightly older than he was but you find it charming. His eyes shut at the touch and he let a long breath he has been holding for long leave his chest. Your index finds his eyelid, touching and examining every little detail of your best friend. You never did that before with him, with anyone else for that matter and it felt so intimate yet you couldn't stop and the most important thing was that you didn't want to anyway.

His hands find yours, placing them on top of it and taking them in as he opens back his eyes, his lips brushing your fingers to kiss them as what you find to be a thankful gesture.

" You always know what to say to me, no matter what you are always here for me even when I am trying to push you away far to not hurt you " His sincerity knocked you, was he thinking that he was hurting you ?

" You didn't hurt me Daniel, what hurt me is seeing you like this and not being able to do much to make you feel better, I want to do so much for you, that might sound selfish, but just to be able to see that beautiful smile of you, I would do anything " You were entering a dangerous category here and you didn't know if it was something a friend would say in normal term. The last phrase piqued his curiosity and you saw it had his eyes change radically.

" Anything ? " Your hands were still locked in his, he was caressing your skin with his thumb until the pressure felt more firm and he brought you closer to him, making you lose balance and almost fell on his chest. It was dangerous and you like it, you never thought of him this way but the possibility of something more with him just smash open a door in your brain. You didn't know if you should let everything go as it comes or stop it right now before it's too late. Your brain couldn't think at all, not like your pounding heart in your chest.

" anything ... yes " He didn't have the time to act before you close the gap between you two and catch his lips. It was just a peck but that was enough for him to freeze, not moving an inch before he realised what was happening.

That's where his lips react on their own and kiss you back, deepening the kiss, releasing all the passion he didn't know he had for you. The texture of your lips throwing him off the edge, the vanilla taste of the ice cream still on your lips. He let go of your hands to catch your thighs, making you uncross them to straddle him and being even more close to his body. Your hands find their perfect place on the back of his neck and head, playing with the dark curls of his hair. You feel like time has stopped and all the anxiety was leaving Daniel's body, you were like a medicine to him. Healing him from all his worries, nothing matters in this instant, not the race tomorrow or the qualification that he had today or even the consequences of it, just you ... only you. It took you all the courage in you to break the kiss and make him look at you, because he didn't know why you stopped it since it was feeling so good and so right.

" Daniel ... " The words were stuck in your throat, you didn't even remember what you wanted to say as his eyes laid on you, if you didn't know him better you would have said that he was very adorable, but no he was doing his puppy face with his swallowed lips from the kiss. .You know exactly what he was trying to do and it's not the change of dynamics in your relationship that will erase his behavior when he wants something. He wanted you to write on his face, he could even try to hide it and he didn't want to, that's why his hands were now finding their way sneakily under your shirt, like you wouldn't notice.

" You need to rest, we have all the time to continue << this >> another time, but it's late and you need to rest " You were poking his chest, making him giggle. If he was asking you if you wanted to continue this, you weren't sure that you would be capable of saying no, but he gladly asked something else.

" Then, stay with me, sleep in my bed tonight, just tonight ... I don't want to be alone " Puppy eyes ... again and your heart melts ... again. How were you able to resist him before ? Since your lips touch his it was impossible now, your brain wasn't thinking and your body couldn't be in total control around him.

" Okay I will stay ... if you promise me to behave '' He lifts his hands up in the air looking like an innocent baby, mimicking with his fingers an invisible zip on his lips.

You both got in bed, you borrowed one of his shirts and decided to only wear it with your panty. You fell asleep easily in each other's arms,but it's later in the night when you turn that you felt Daniel spooning behind you, grabbing one of your breasts with one hand, the other one grabbing you by the waist to get closer. His breath in your neck, sensing your scent before leaving some butterflies to kiss. He was definitely awake and was now lifting your shirt to feel your skin. You were in a state where you weren't awake but aware of what was happening. You tried your best to hide the smile that was forming on your face but it was impossible when your new lover was making it very clear he wanted you. Slightly opening your eyes, it was still dark outside which could only mean it was too early to wake up and that you should both sleep again, especially him since he had to race tomorrow and he couldn't lose sleep even if you both wanted to explore each other's bodies for the remainder of the night. You hummed a quick moan before turning to face him, you could barely see his figure in the dark but you could imagine how he was hungrily watching you. Touching his lips with your fingers you feel his teeth biting his down lips. He was definitely leaning toward your touch like he never had someone come in physical contact with him tenderly.

" Daniel ..." was the only thing your tired voice could say before the breath you were holding released itself. " You have the race tomorrow ", you poke his chest with your finger, trying to distance yourself from his warm embrace.

" I don't care, what matters to me now is you ", he caresses your cheeks from the palm of his head before letting it hang on the side of your neck. One movement toward him and your lips would meet again.

" You don't think about the race because you are tired, and that's exactly why I've made you promise to behave", you whispered that last part, thankful the dark was hiding your cheeks burning at the idea of him and you. After what felt like an eternity, but just a couple of seconds in real silence you heard him lick his lips and he moved away from you, putting a physical distance between your two bodies like an act of resistance from him.

" You're right ... ", it wasn't sadness or disappointment in his voice, more like his inner voice of reason making an apparition in his blurry thought,blind by lust until now.

" Trust me I want you just as much, I've just find you, we are finally on the same page, and I promise you that I am fighting just as much as you right now not to touch you and have you only for me ", you rambled and he shush you just as quick as your word coming out of your mouth.

A sigh came out of his mouth and you felt him sniffing his body on the back, his eyes looking at the nonexistent ceiling in the dark. He searches your hand to tranglying your fingers together and keeps the contact between you. You soon after did the same and you were now two idiots looking at nothing, your eyes not finding anything to focus on and they shut themselves to rest.

You fell asleep like this, side by side, holding hands, frustrated to not have given to the pulsion you both had.

The brightness of the room was what woke you, it was hard to open your eyes and when you did, the light and the tiredness of your eyes blinded your vision, a tear forming on the corner of one eye was soon to be wrapped away by a finger. His finger, he was awake, sitting on the side of the bed, already ready to leave for the paddock.

" Hello beautiful ", he said and his voice could be compared to that of an angel. " I've got to run for debrief but you can stay in a bit longer if you want, I ordered breakfast for you it shouldn't be long to arrive ", he was so careful, you hadn't really clarified the relation between the two of you, but was the word couple needed when he was already being so perfect ? You knew it wasn't an act for your new dynamics because he was already like that before. He kissed you on the cheek and stood up, you were already missing him and he wasn't even gone yet.

" mmh, give me an hour and I will join you ", your sleepy voice made him smile so bright that it was competing with the sun to know which one will warm your heart the most.

" See you there ", was the last thing he said before he disappeared in the hallway, closing the door behind him.

That day he end up p9 which was a huge work from him and the team after the knock out in q1 from yesterday. You felt proud of him even if he wasn't feeling the car like his own yet. You Saw him briefly after the race, when he offered you a hug and a small kiss on the lips, a kiss that felt like a thank you for always being there for him and putting his needs before yours. Thank you for being the best friend he needed, the ears who listen to his complain and the voice of reason in his head. The person that will make him feel better no matter how down he feel. You both didn't needed words to express how last night change everything in your relationship but not so much in your friendship. You were evolving together and it was only the beginning of something beautiful that didn't need an end. A book you start reading but never end because there is no end. The only end you knew so far was the promising end of the day. He took time to whisper in your ears before leaving for his post-race interview.

Yes it was definitely an end you were looking forward to indeed.

MASTERLIST

[batmads-ao3]

Across The Universe

Detroit: Yuri’s done the math. He done the research and the consideration and the planning. This will be his last year of competitive figure skating, and this time next year, he’ll be moving on to grad school. No matter what, though, Yuri hopes to hold onto Victor in any way that he can. Even if he has to compromise and change his own dreams to do it.

St. Petersburg: Victor is tired of compromising. Tired of having dreams deferred, of stealing moments in the off season and after competitions to spend time with Yuri. The way he sees it, there are only two options: keep Yuri in competitive skating, or find a way to stay by Yuri’s side after this year is through. Because if there’s anything that Victor knows for certain, it’s that he’s never letting anything come between him and his soulmate ever again.

But how far are Yuri and Victor willing to go to protect the other’s dreams? And with a whole universe separating them, will a soulmate bond really be enough to hold them together when it matters most?

**Part Three of the Defy the Stars Trilogy**

Soulmates!AU • College! AU(kinda) • Happy Ending

Read Chapter Twenty-Five here!

In which Yuri makes a friend while drifting aimlessly through Nationals.

Posting every Friday (ish), chapter preview below the cut

Celestino was back in Detroit. With nowhere to stay in the interim between the final and the Japanese National Championships, he’d elected to return to Michigan, spend the holiday with his family, and help give Phichit a little extra one-on-one time ahead of the Olympics in February. Which meant that Yuri was alone in Hasetsu to fend for himself, training wise. He knew what he needed to do to prep. He had already made arrangements at the Ice Castle to get ice time to train, outside of the odd hours he was inclined to show up. 

Admittedly, though, he wasn’t overly inclined to go skating at all these days. He’d had slumps, sure. He’d had moments of doubt and indecision when it felt easier to give up than it did to keep going, but in the end, a thirst to prove himself had always prevailed. As a kid, he’d admired Victor enough that he wanted to skate on the same ice as his idol, and then, once he met Victor himself, and Victor had shown an unwavering faith in his abilities, his motivation had changed to showing Victor he was worthy of that faith. And, he’d wanted to show himself that he was worthy of his soulmate, that he could stand on equal footing with Victor. 

But now he had skated with Victor both in competition and in practice, so he couldn’t fall back on his childhood motivation. And after fighting with Victor and losing Victor’s faith in him, he couldn’t continue towards his aspirations of proving himself to his soulmate, or worthy of his soulmate’s love for himself. He had nothing left to skate for, and with his season already on the downswing, he wasn’t sure it was worth it to keep trying. 

Hobble through nationals, sure. Limp through Four Continents if he was unlucky enough to be sent to represent Japan. Resign himself to the Olympics if he was assigned to the team again, fine. But World’s? He didn’t want to go unless he had to. He just wanted to do away with all of it. Tuck Victor and this love affair into his past like his favorite old skating costumes were tucked away in a box in the attic. There for him to examine on nostalgic days, but never to be picked up and worn again. 

In the end, he only went to the rink to practice because Minako burst into his room four days after he got home from the final and demanded to know why he wasn’t preparing for Nationals. So Yuri went, albeit extremely reluctantly. Practiced diligently without any heart. Yuuko kept giving him sad looks. Minako said outright that his programs had lost some spark, and poked and prodded to see what had happened to him at the finals, but Yuri always waved her off. 

Celestino was back in Detroit. With nowhere to stay in the interim between the final and the Japanese National Championships, he’d elected to return to Michigan, spend the holiday with his family, and help give Phichit a little extra one-on-one time ahead of the Olympics in February. Which meant that Yuri was alone in Hasetsu to fend for himself, training wise. He knew what he needed to do to prep. He had already made arrangements at the Ice Castle to get ice time to train, outside of the odd hours he was inclined to show up. 

Admittedly, though, he wasn’t overly inclined to go skating at all these days. He’d had slumps, sure. He’d had moments of doubt and indecision when it felt easier to give up than it did to keep going, but in the end, a thirst to prove himself had always prevailed. As a kid, he’d admired Victor enough that he wanted to skate on the same ice as his idol, and then, once he met Victor himself, and Victor had shown an unwavering faith in his abilities, his motivation had changed to showing Victor he was worthy of that faith. And, he’d wanted to show himself that he was worthy of his soulmate, that he could stand on equal footing with Victor. 

But now he had skated with Victor both in competition and in practice, so he couldn’t fall back on his childhood motivation. And after fighting with Victor and losing Victor’s faith in him, he couldn’t continue towards his aspirations of proving himself to his soulmate, or worthy of his soulmate’s love for himself. He had nothing left to skate for, and with his season already on the downswing, he wasn’t sure it was worth it to keep trying. 

Hobble through nationals, sure. Limp through Four Continents if he was unlucky enough to be sent to represent Japan. Resign himself to the Olympics if he was assigned to the team again, fine. But World’s? He didn’t want to go unless he had to. He just wanted to do away with all of it. Tuck Victor and this love affair into his past like his favorite old skating costumes were tucked away in a box in the attic. There for him to examine on nostalgic days, but never to be picked up and worn again. 

In the end, he only went to the rink to practice because Minako burst into his room four days after he got home from the final and demanded to know why he wasn’t preparing for Nationals. So Yuri went, albeit extremely reluctantly. Practiced diligently without any heart. Yuuko kept giving him sad looks. Minako said outright that his programs had lost some spark, and poked and prodded to see what had happened to him at the finals, but Yuri always waved her off. 

He felt lost, like he was drifting out in space like some forgotten satellite untethered from gravity, beyond his use, unable to send information back to Earth, unable to receive future direction. He wasn’t excited for Nationals, but he went. Got through practice on the first day, and then the second, and then survived the positions drawing on the third day. There were a lot of people there who were excited to see him. He smiled and took photos for them only because he knew Minako would yell at him later if he didn’t. But he felt guilty about it, because with all of their excitement and gushing about the Olympics, and where his career could go, and their unwavering faith that it would go on, he didn’t know how to tell them that he felt done. Dried up. Washed out. Ready to let go.

Continue on Ao3

[inkweaver22-blr]

OKAY SO THIS STARTED AS A JOKE BUT THEN I JUST FELT THE MOTIVATION SO HERE'S A QUICK ANGSTY FIC ABOUT @ninja-knox-ur-sox-off's OC KEVIN KAY BYE

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Kevin didn’t know what he was doing anymore.

He hadn’t planned on crashing at his cousin’s place for so long. He had only wanted to stay a few days before drifting on to the next stop on the road of life. Just a short time to catch up and then move along before earning too much ire from Pigsy.

It was the waiter and his friend and the regular at the counter and the big blue guy that made him stay. No, that wasn’t quite right. It was how comfortable Pigsy seemed to be around them, and they around him.

There was this connection between the five of them. Of camaraderie. Of friendship. Of family.

God, when was the last time he felt like he was part of a family?

Kevin guessed that’s why he had stayed as long as he did. He longed for what they had. The jokes, the friendly bickering, the warmth and comfort.

He fooled himself into thinking that maybe if he stuck around long enough, maybe he’d be welcomed to join in.

Fat chance at that.

He knew he wasn’t the best at socializing. He made the wrong jokes or said the wrong things and now he was only tolerated at best.

Besides, what could he - lazy, loser Kevin - even offer to this family? They already seemed to have it all.

Pigsy was the breadwinner. Hard working and reliable. He doted on the waiter kid like any good father would and was good at giving advice. Kevin barely had a job let alone any sage wisdom to impart.

The regular, Tang, was the knowledgeable type. Seemed to know everything and was a bit smug, but had actually earned the right to be so unlike Kevin’s own false bravado. He and Pigsy already seemed sweet on each other so add another strike against himself for trying to flirt with the guy.

The waiter, MK, was the light. So full of optimism and joy and pure potential. Pretty much the exact opposite of Kevin when he was that age. Not to mention being the legendary Monkey King’s chosen successor. What use would he have for an old dead beat like him?

He might have been able to offer his skills as a mechanic, if that girl Mei hadn’t outclassed him in every possible way. Building her own motorcycle and using it to become a racing champion? Kevin had only had dreams of doing such things and only when he was too young to know better. She was so peppy and energetic that he got tired just listening to her talk sometimes. Pathetic.

The blue giant, Sandy, was at least polite in his dislike for him. Always cheerful and full of wonderful tips on improving one’s mental health. His tea was also to die for. If Kevin didn’t know any better, he’d think the big guy actually wanted to help him out with how often he invited him over to his ship. He was probably only doing a favor for Pigsy to get him out of the noodle shop.

Kevin could read the writing on the wall. He had overstayed his welcome the second day he was there. He had only prolonged everyone’s suffering on a slim thread of pointless hope that ultimately led nowhere.

So on his third week he had planned on leaving in the night. Why say goodbye when no one would miss him?

But then, the wrench happened.

The fucking wrench.

When he had picked it up it had begun to glow and then proceeded to grow four foot long and sprout extra prongs. Seven extra, for a total of nine to be exact.

Now Kevin had been a bit desensitized to all the mystical mumbo jumbo going on around the city lately, but he wasn’t too prideful to admit that he squealed like a little hoglet while this happened.

Once he had calmed down he had examined his newly transformed wrench. Now Kevin wasn’t a complete idiot, but it still took him a bit to understand the significance of a long metal weapon with nine prongs.

He overheard the stories Tang would tell about the Monkey King and his companions. He understood the basic concept behind reincarnation.

Of course he would be the reborn soul of perhaps the most disliked member of the journey. Just another reason to be unwanted.

He wasn’t sure why he stayed after that. Obligation? He was a reborn hero, so maybe he could be of use.

Stupid. Idotic. Foolhardy.

He only got in MK’s way and made everything worse.

Now he was here, on an airship speeding away from the city that had just been taken by some terrifying bone lady, holding his uselessly long wrench while his cousin yelled at him. Mei and Tang were tending to MK’s busted arm and were pointedly not looking in his direction. Even Sandy had a frown aimed his way.

At least it was better than the Monkey King staring at him like he had seen a ghost.

Kevin sighed as he contemplated the railing of the deck of the ship.

What was he even doing anymore?

[notnctu]

cupid’s arrow - h.rj | 7 days

━ sweet greetings from the 7 days fluff series 

genre ❥ slight angst, fluff !!  details ❥ college!au, friends to lovers!au, genderneutral!reader ━ where renjun makes a bet to get you to fall in love with him.  warnings ❥ explicit language, light banter word count ❥ 7.1k  synopsis ❥ The silly boy has no idea what he’s gotten himself into when he makes a bet with his arrogant friend to get you to fall in love with him. Renjun never intends to confess, mainly because his past unrequited loves have demolished his confidence. So a low stakes gamble causes him a great deal of stress and pride, wishing that it was as easy as striking you with Cupid’s Arrow. While he wants your feelings to develop organically, he actually doesn’t know what he’d do if you did end up liking him back. Because to him, you have always been someone unattainable and out of his reach  taglist ❥ @yourmagnanimousholiness​ ; @lovelycharm05​ ; @watermelonxes​ ; @jaehyunsjasmine​ ; @mjlkau​​ <3

a/n ❥ this is author doie ❀!! uhh this came out a little more angsty than i had planned it to be.. anyways its been a long time coming and we’re still working on the requests hehehe uhh keep an eye out for some blog updates bc we are starting school soon :) thanks for sticking with us so far! lots of love for everyone<3

Huang Renjun catches a glimpse of your enchanting figure across the lecture hall and how you effortlessly slide into your usual seat near the front. The tap against the tiny turnout table with your pen, ruffling your hair to only have it fall back in place beautifully, and aura alone suffocates him.

In a three hundred person lecture, all he sees is you. The only person in the room who has his undivided attention and while it might be entirely infatuation by your attractiveness, the mutual friends you two share describe you having a heart of gold.

A heart that is impenetrable. Strong, sturdy, shining metal that no one has been able to get through, but Renjun thinks that it’s because you can tell someone is undeserving. Keen and observant eyes, it’s a good thing that his stares don’t linger for long.

As he walks down the descending steps to sit in the row behind you, he remembers a very drunk night over the past weekend and an idiotic bet that has him punching himself. He wishes that he never agreed, but the liquid pride in him could not bite his tongue.

“(Y/N)?” His friend scorns and Renjun slaps his forehead at the slip of your name. Truthfully, the alcohol is messing with his head and he’s saying things that are no longer in his control. But how could he have possibly let the one secret he holds to himself out into the small crowd.

He mumbles profanities underneath his breath, trying to limit light from hurting his blurry vision, and rubbing his throbbing temples. “Yes, (Y/N).” There is no confidence in his voice at the whisper of your name.

“Dude, (Y/N) is way out of your league.” The headache just doesn’t have an end. He knows this; there is no way you’d ever bat an eyelash at him first. Renjun just likes things that are impossible to him, a poor habit of his.

“I bet I could get (Y/N) to get with me first before you ever can.” Then, Renjun’s eyes shoot open wide and the view of the arrogance laughing in the dimness slowly boils his blood.

Renjun may seem like the weaker link to pick on, but he is not one to give up a fight. While his friend has an advantage, the last thing Renjun would want is for you to fall for a horrendous two faced personality.

He’ll charm your pants off and when he gets what he wants: the victory and your vulnerability, he’ll hurt you. Would you be able to see past his fake genuineness or actually fall for the person he plays so well? Renjun can’t let anyone hurt you if he can prevent it.

“I bet that I can get (Y/N) to fall in love with me.” Renjun stumbles to stand up proudly, making himself bolder and more intimidating. Nevertheless, the drowsiness intoxicates him and he can barely keep his line of vision focused.

He sees the disgusting smirk on his friend’s face and a hand extends out for Renjun to shake. “Okay. Let’s bet on it. If you can’t get (Y/N) to fall in love with you, they’ll be mine and you can’t speak to them ever again.”

“Nice use of claiming someone who barely knows you exist.” The alcohol didn’t take away Renjun’s sharp sarcasm and the constant rolling of his eyes.

Renjun truly has no confidence at the game he decided to engage in, his only motive is to protect you from a bad guy. He wouldn’t even know how to handle the potential chance that you could like him back, did you have the ability to do so?

He never had the intention to confess to you, his heart has been broken all too much already by unrequited loves from his past. And if he had to be honest with himself, his admiration for you has become so strong that even he’s afraid to be someone to taint it.

What are the odds that the entire row behind you is already filled? Renjun’s throat closes when he sees the empty seat right next to you and the professor starting up his presentation. Other students push past him to hurry into empty seats before lecture begins, and his own feet pick him up toward you.

Like a magnetic pull, you attract him with an inexplicable force so naturally. Clearing his throat, he swallows the anxiousness that blocks him from speaking. 

“Is this seat taken?”

This is it. This is the first of many looks you two will share, and Renjun’s heart pounds at his chest to wait for your eyes to meet his own for more than a second.

As if the room falls silent and everything is in slow motion, Renjun captures the very image when you blink up at him with beautiful dazzling gentleness and the utter sugar of your lips curling upwards. And he’s stunned, hoping it doesn’t show on his face.

“No.” It’s a simple reply and nothing worth jumping out of joy about, but he tries so hard to hold back the growing smile of your acknowledgement. You are being polite, but something inside of him feels giddy and like static running through his veins.

“Thanks.” Dropping his bag, he enters the seat carefully and sits with his hands folded together on the tiny table.

You examine the attentive boy, as his focus is trained on the lecture slides and the unprepared professor messing with his mic. Chuckling, “you don’t take notes?”

Renjun is surprised at your sudden interaction, completely blindsided by your friendliness. He wasn’t sure how well that would have worked, but your curiosity speaks for you. “I actually forgot my laptop today.” The heavy device sits in his bag at his feet, but he doesn’t dare take it out after the lie.

The soft ‘oh’ that falls from your mouth is too cute and Renjun clears his throat to bring him back from his daydreams of you. Looking apologetic, he shrugs and pretends to gear his attention back to the professor, who finally starts the long awaited class.

“I can send you my notes for the day, if you’d like.” The kindness in your voice does not go unnoticed, in fact, it causes Renjun to hold onto it for a little longer to fuel his undying crush for you.

“I’d love that—” Perhaps he shouldn’t have used the word love for the strictly friendly gesture. “—you’re a lifesaver. Uh, how should I refer to you as?” Playing dumb is his only way to get to you, for now.

“(Y/N). And you?” You hand your phone toward him with social media popped up to input his user handle.

Renjun introduces himself as his sweaty fingers type, and he wonders if he should have polished up any photos that may have you steering away from him. However when he returns your device, the smile that lights up your face allows him to breathe easily.

“I knew you sounded familiar. You’re friends with Jaemin, right?” Your whisper grows soft as you multitask to make conversation and jot down a few important bullet points from the slides. Renjun tries hard to dissect the information as well, but the boring tone of his professor is nothing compared to his crush finally having conversation with him.

“We’re housemates along with two other people.” His body is able to relax now that he’s broken the wall of introductions. You carry yourself to be more intimidating than you actually are.

When he peeks back over at your concentrated expression, your lip is hidden by your top row of teeth and your quick eyes dart between the monitor and your page. How are you so good at literally everything?

“A small world.” He picks up your every word, “well Renjun, since this class has basically ruined my life, would it be too much to ask if you’re down to study with me?” And despite the fluorescent lights being absolutely dull, they still dust your eyes with an enticing glitter.

He must have been staring for too long because you start your sentence of doubt, but Renjun stammers over his response. The professor isn’t quite happy with the small overlap of chatter and shoots a glare at the two of you.

That’s definitely not a good way to start, but it’s memorable. Renjun motions for your pen, and scribbles in his own font the answer to your offer:

I’d love that :)

Then, his heart soars back into the clouds once again at the grin that settles and your written response:  

Me too <3

How does one get someone to fall for them? If Renjun knew, he wouldn’t still be single and infatuated with someone too good for him. He wishes that it’s as simple as the myths make it out to be, where all Cupid had to do was draw his bow and launch a loving arrow that pierces through the heart — an instant love.

But playing Cupid himself is harder than anticipated. He has no handy tools to assist him with his goals. He just has himself, lacks luster and is invisible. Can he be more painfully boring?

And he looks at you with literal hearts in his eyes. An excitement that awaits him, the true meaning of a head turner. That is you. And all he can offer is his mere presence.

“So how did you and Jaemin meet?” Looking up from your blinding laptop screen, Renjun feels the light tap underneath the table from your foot. He chuckles at the subtly adorable affection, and your own way of showing it.

This has to be the third round of study sessions you two shared, and bit by bit, he falls more and more for you despite it needing to be the other way around. The captivating get-to-know you conversation of favorites all down to your aspirations and goals.

The intelligence of you, your wisdom, your perspective. While he did not have this insight before, knowing it now only makes you more alluring. He can’t believe you’re even sitting with him in his shared living room, just the two of you.

“We met at orientation. He’s persistent.” Renjun laughs lightly and you smile in return, nodding along with his statement.

“Wish I met you guys at orientation. I was never the one to reach out to people first until college forced me out of my shell.” He hopes his ears didn’t deceive him, but Renjun had to do a double take: you said you guys, which includes him, right? You wish you had met him earlier?

But the latter shocks him a bit. If he recalls your first meeting, you were the one curious enough to continue speaking to him. “I would have never guessed.”

“Really?” There is a notable light in your eyes as you tilt your head. “I don’t seem shy?”

“Not at all…” He has to stop himself from going on an incredible tangent about how greatly outspoken you are, it gives away too much on how observant he’s been.  

“I’m good at hiding it then.” You examine the soft shade of pink on the tips of his ears and his averting shy gazes. “What are you good at hiding?”

Your question leaves him speechless and gripping at any ends of answers. There are a number of ways he can go about it, but the truth is not one of them.

What is he good at hiding? His unconditional affection for you. He’s good at concealing every heavy heart beat at your smallest actions. He’s good at keeping a regretful secret bet.

But as those options pop into his head, he doesn’t want to say any of them. So, he opts for a white lie instead and hopes that the hesitation doesn’t sell him out for being a nervous wreck.

“I’m good at hiding what I fear.” You blink at him, clearly intrigued to want to know more.

“You do seem pretty fearless, Huang Renjun.” There is a brief exchange of eye contact and Renjun swears that his pounding heart can be heard in the silence. A smirk on your lips as you return to your work, he’s warm inside from the usage of his full name. And you don’t even realize the effect you have over him.

“So, you and (Y/N) are close. How did that start?” Jaemin jumps onto Renjun’s neatly made bed. The covers are now ruffled and tossed from the impact.

Jaemin isn’t home very often, but in the rare times he has been, it’s always during the study sessions with you. The first time you came over, Jaemin tried not to talk up a storm from seeing a familiar face. He respects Renjun’s relationships, so he tried his best to keep from prying at the boy.

“You finally want to know?” Renjun scoffs lightheartedly, punching his housemate lightly on the shoulder as he swivels around in his chair. With an excited wide smile, Jaemin tugs at his friend’s arm as an endearing sign of persistence. “Okay, okay. We have the same class.”

“(Y/N) really approached you in a three hundred student lecture?” A tone of disbelief settles in Jaemin’s rhetorical question. He cocks an eyebrow, waiting for Renjun to tell some truth.

“Not exactly. I sat next to them and a conversation just happened.” Renjun shrugs as if it’s nothing big, as if it hadn’t been for your curiosity that started this blossoming relationship.

“Spare me the details.” Jaemin sits up to hold Renjun by his shoulders. The pressure feels oddly crushing, like a whole weight dropping on him. Jaemin stares him dead in the eyes. “What are your motives, Huang Renjun?”

His mouth hangs slightly open from the question. “I can’t be friends with (Y/N)?” Almost defensively, Renjun furrows his eyebrows at his friend, but he can tell Jaemin has caught onto his lie.

“I heard that you made a bet with a certain shithead.” Jaemin rolls his eyes at remembering their horrible mutual, a crime to even consider him as a friend. He drops his heavy hands from Renjun’s shoulders and falls back onto the mattress.  

The alarming expression of grave danger, Renjun is screwed. He gulps the gathered saliva in the back of his mouth, searching for a plausible explanation. “I was drunk.” He slaps his forehead at the stupid reasoning as Jaemin shoots upright to begin scolding him.

“Let me explain,” Renjun covers his mouth to halt Jaemin’s excessive nagging. “I like (Y/N), that’s how the bet even came alive. I slipped up and then he was saying all this stuff about (Y/N) being out of my league.”

“Which is true.” Jaemin adds, quite muffled but doesn’t slip past Renjun.

Renjun glares and thanks him sarcastically. “I made the bet to protect (Y/N) from him. He was provoking me by saying that he can get (Y/N) first and since I was heavily intoxicated, I didn’t think before I spoke.”

Jaemin holds Renjun warmly, seeing that his friend needed a hug from the saddened memory. It’s all too obvious how regretful Renjun feels. “So I’m trying my best at carrying the bet because there’s too much at stake.”

A chill runs down his spine remembering the consequences. He just can’t fail. Jaemin pulls away and lightly pats Renjun’s hair. “Cupid has made you into a fool for your crush.”

“He’s made me into a bigger one for thinking I could get my crush to like me back.” Renjun sighs in defeat and groans loudly. Why does this frustrate him so much? Perhaps it’s the lack of ability to actually get someone to like him back.

Renjun has been single for his entire life, not by choice. He’s done the movie cliches of a confession: a bouquet of roses, a poster, a night under the stars. And not one has ever accepted his feelings. He doesn’t blame any of them since he still struggles with finding things to love about himself. What is there to love about him? He can’t seem to find any redeeming qualities worth mentioning.

But you. You, alone, is simply worth an honorable mention. And now that it’s been well over a month of your friendship, he can confirm that you’re everything he’s ever wanted and more.

“Why don’t you start by being (Y/N)’s friend first? Love doesn’t just happen in an instant, no offense to Cupid or anything. I mean.. isn’t it all just a myth anyways?” Jaemin picks Renjun’s falling chin and he can see the glossy eyes of sadness. They swim with frustration and guilt.

Like an epiphany, Jaemin gave Renjun a starting place. For weeks, Renjun racked his brain for an easy solution out of it all. In reality, he didn’t need any wicked form of magic for foul play. He just wants to be by your side for as long as you allow. And a part of him is scared for you to like him back.

You’ve always been too out of his reach. Standing on a pedestal, you’re something unattainable. It’s lucky that you even bat an eyelash at him. He’s admired you all too much, Renjun won’t actually know what to do if you ever did like him back.

This all stems from his inner insecurities, like a recurring thought: what is there to like about him? Or is he even good enough for you?

If someone had warned him that love could become this confusing, he would’ve sacrificed his heart for something less complicated. To feel. To love. Renjun wishes he can remove the love bow that pierced through his chest.

On a random Friday night, Renjun’s phone rings with an unexpected caller ID. He pauses the song he’s been listening to for the past hour to pick up.

“Renjun! I’m sad and drunk right now.” Your voice is incredibly slurred and he can barely hear you with the loud background noise. “Can you come pick me up?”

“Are you over on Third Ave. again?” He despises that place. A house on the corner of Third Avenue right off the interstate from campus that throws weekly parties. These parties are overcrowded with creeps and cheap booze. Unfortunately, you’re favorite place to run away to.

This isn’t his first time coming to get you. Over the past few months of your established friendship, you’ve sent him numerous amounts of drunk texts calling for him. This is the first time you actually called, preluding to a really rough night you’ve been having.

You sigh into the receiver, “you remembered.” like you’re on the verge of tears, he can hear the quiver in your tiny voice.

“I have your location, idiot.” Renjun smiles at your silly drunk reactions, finding you more enduring from the innocence. “I’ll be there in a blink.”

“Okay, I’ll close my eyes so I can open them to you.” You giggle before hanging up and Renjun can’t keep the widest grin off of his face. He’s rushing out his door, not wanting to wait another second to see you.

One thing Renjun realized after finally growing close enough to you is that through all his infatuation, you’re still a human. While he thinks of you in a sparkling cascading glitter waterfall, you’re made of the same softness that Renjun has. You’re not perfect and he needed to stop idolizing you as if you’re some shiny trophy.

No, he’s learned that he needed to love you for who you truly are. And the moment he broke down your layers, the glass tears that fell from your cheeks were real. The pain through your confident façade, Renjun needed to love you at your lowest.

He saw you for you, not the attractive person from his lecture he drooled months over. You are the exact reality that movies are afraid to portray. You’re courageous, chic, charming. But you’re also shy, soft spoken, and silly. You’re like waking up during dawn and marveling in the silence of a sleeping society. You’re also like smiles on a sunny day and living in the moment.

Renjun is lovestruck, wildly in love with all that you are. The only thing that brings down his spirits is the lingering bet he made several months ago and he hates how it’s always gnawing at him. It’s like an echo, bouncing off the walls of his mind. He can’t shake it off. Most of the time, he tries to focus the moment in front of him, but it has him tossing and turning in the middle of the night.

Without much surprise, you stand in front of the overflowing party house with eyes cutely squeezed shut. A friend by your side to wait with you. “Open your eyes.” Renjun yells as windows roll down and he double parks the car.

Your eyes gleam in the darkness and bidding your friend a quick goodbye, you jump into the familiar vehicle and embrace your good friend with a longing hug. Renjun chuckles at your adorable actions, patting your shoulder lightly. Despite the cheerful welcome, the mood immediately shifts when he hears your tiny sniffs and feels the tears on his shirt.

“C’mon, your favorite ice cream flavor is waiting for you at my place.” As he whispers positive affirmations, you can only cry harder into his chest. “You’re not feeling too good tonight, are you?”

It’s way too obvious of a question to ask, he knows. Truthfully, he didn’t know what to say and comforting is not his strongest skill without it turning it into a life lesson. He knows what you need, just someone to acknowledge how you’re feeling and to listen.

“I’m feeling the worst tonight. I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe later?” You pull away from his arms, even if he isn’t ready to let you go. He helps buckle your seatbelt and wipe any remaining wetness on your cheeks.

Your hand briefly touches Renjun’s which causes the boy to freeze at the sudden action. Your hazy smile is unclear, but you lean into him before he can process all the randomness. A kiss on his cheek, the most delicate feeling of lips on skin.

Renjun explodes inside, like hazardous fireworks on a cloudy night. He wants to enjoy it, but his circumstances make it difficult for him to. “Thanks for coming to get me.” Your body slumps back onto the seat, a pout on your lower lip. Renjun shifts awkwardly in his seat, buckling his seatbelt to begin the ride home. He can’t find the words to say.

You’re being too casual about what had just happened, as if you’re ignoring it all. Or you simply have no control over anything that you’re doing. “Let me tell you a secret, Injunie.” The sugarcoated nickname. You’re definitely too drunk at the moment, and whatever you do now will be long forgotten the next morning.

Renjun still doesn’t say anything, relishing in the kiss on the cheek just seconds ago. His fingers lightly touch his face, grazing upon the very part your lips came in contact with. He’s truly through the moon and— “I used to have the biggest crush on Jaemin.” Renjun abruptly steps on the brakes, whipping the both of you in your seats.

His heart is falling, it’s plummeting and he can’t do anything to save it. “I really didn’t expect such a surprised reaction.”

Renjun clears his throat. “I’m just caught off guard.” Not a lie, he really wasn’t expecting a confession and his heart to break right at this moment. “Why Jaemin?”

He knows why Jaemin. He’s a social butterfly with no caution to the wind and a heart made of pure kindness. A welcoming friendly figure that won’t hesitate to feed into someone’s need for words of affirmation. Not to mention, Jaemin has a good few inches above him and looks of a poster kpop idol. Of course, you liked Jaemin.

“He has such a good heart. I guess I just like guys who think of me first, as selfish as that sounds. I don’t prioritize myself, so it would be nice if someone else did.” You fiddle your thumbs and Renjun is impatiently tapping his fingers against the wheel.

The red traffic light before you enacts two different feelings. Renjun wants this ride to end as fast as possible. You want this ride to last forever.

“But, Jaemin is seeing someone.”

Your head ducks down and out the window at the shining streetlamps; you know very well about Jaemin’s love life. “I didn’t expect anything from him. I just liked him for him. He came to pick me up every time I would ask, I guess I have a thing for guys who do that.”

Renjun tightens his grip, heart pounding at your statement. You peer up to look at your friend in the lack of light. His glasses sit low on his nose bridge, a soft cotton shirt hugs his torso, and pajama pants that clad his legs. A mess bed of hair as the cherry on top.

After Jaemin, you swore to yourself that you wouldn’t fall for anyone so easily. All of that was thrown out the window the very first night Renjun came to your saving. Despite contrary belief, your heart is not as impenetrable as people make you out to be. And as tough as you can be, it was too hard not to be the slightest interested in him.

Ever since your first meeting, Renjun has always been cool and collected. He’s a hothead at his best, but too playful for any serious damage. Renjun reminds you of yourself. Like a huge impenetrable wall built against any trouble to enter, he is as guarded as you are. He’s timid, and while you had tried your best to hide your own, Renjun simply embraces that part of him.

Renjun stayed after every tearful night. He’s helped you through every difficult study guide, if anything he saved your failing grade.

Renjun puts you first throughout anything; asking if you want the booth seat at restaurants, strategically walking on the outer side so you can avoid driving cars, always has your favorite snacks without you asking. Every tiny gesture, may you be slightly delusional, seemed as if he loved you. And if he did, you wouldn’t mind one bit because you wanted to love him back.

“What about you? We’ve never really talked about our love lives before.” You speak up in the silence, Rejun being awfully quiet tonight. He hopes you don’t blame him, but everything has been too overwhelming. He is no longer sure on what he wants to do or how to react.

“My love life is too sad to talk about.” He’s never wanted to talk about it with you, in case he’d slip up and say something too revealing. “It’s a long list of unrequited loves. I’ve given up on professing my feelings to someone at this point.”

“What would have to happen to get you to confess?” Your eyes coin a mischievous twinkle.

Renjun feels his palms grow sweaty, a bit nervous with this conversation topic. 

“Something catastrophic.”

Something catastrophic did end up happening. Renjun wishes he could disappear, or if he runs away, would anyone notice?

He stands behind your fuming stance. In any other given situation, Renjun would be more than flattered that you’re standing up for him. However in this case, you’re making a fool out of yourself on his behalf.

“Oh, so you haven’t told (Y/N) about the bet?” Of all the nights Renjun decides to accompany you on a Friday evening, he runs until the one person he never wanted to come within ten feet to.

Truthfully, the night was going well. He ran into a few of his other acquaintances from his club, others from his classes. You held onto his arm the moment you two entered the party, afraid to lose this precious boy in the dense crowd. People walked by and expressed how cute you two looked together.

You poured him drinks that will make his head throb and you busted dance moves that made his heart throb. You were the epitome of a fun time, like an explosion of positive endorphins. Your toothy smiles. Your bright electrified eyes. Your sweet laughter. This was the last beautiful image he had of you before everything came falling apart.

“What bet?” You quickly turn around to face Renjun. His hand scratches the back of his neck and his gaze stays staring at his own feet. Your throat grows tight from Renjun’s hesitation.

“He made a bet with me that he could get you to fall in love with him.” Please stop talking, Renjun begs in his thoughts. He tightens his fist, unable to form words to speak. The thumping of the loud music makes it hard to focus.

“He—” Shaky voice and stuttering… even you are having doubts of Renjun’s character. “He wouldn’t do that.” Your eyes bounce between him and Renjun.

“I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you don't know him very well then.” Renjun’s arrogant friend crosses his arms coolly, a smug smirk unfolding on his face.

“It’s true, (Y/N). I did make the bet and I regret it every waking day.” Renjun finally speaks up, but you’re out the door before he can continue.

There isn’t another thought in his head when he’s running after you; you’re already so far down the road. The secret was bound to be revealed, but he wasn’t ready for it. He was never going to be ready for this day because his first mistake was making the bet to begin with.

He should have thought about you. He should have just swallowed his pride and talked his friend out of it. Was that a choice? Could he have just done that instead of letting it fester into such a problem?

Out of breath and out of mind, Renjun calls out your name. When you spin on your heels to walk toward him, his heart reaches for you. However, you push at his chest and he almost falls backwards.

You’re angry, more than angry. You’re upset. You have every right to be. “What were you thinking, Renjun?” There is a small crack in your voice and he can see your tear stained cheeks under the moonlight. “Am I even your friend? All this time… you had an agenda. Were your actions all fake, then? You wanted to manipulate me into falling in love with you?”

Your words are hitting like large bricks. You are questioning the past five months of your friendship and everything Renjun has ever done for you. A false reality, Renjun didn’t actually give a damn about you. He wanted to prove some odd male status. Could you be any more blind?

“Please let me explain… I was drunk out of my mind that night and the bet I made was stupid. It was before proper evaluation. Does it make it okay? No, I understand that.” Renjun speaks with his hands, clearly panicked and frazzled by the way they waved around in the air. “The bet… I did it to protect you from that guy. I didn’t want him to hurt you.”

“So you hurt me instead?” If someone were to listen closely, they would be able to hear the shattering of two hearts tonight. On this late evening, two hearts are broken under the moon and stars.

But it’s pitiful because the arrow that struck Renjun remains intact. He still loves you, which is why it pains him so much to where he can’t breathe. The information in his head is scattered, like an alarm blaring through his empty brain.

All he knows is that he loves you. You are the one thing he’s afraid of losing. From the first words you two exchanged, his fear that he hid all too well is and always will be losing you.

“That was not my intention ever. I never wanted to hurt you.” Renjun takes a step closer, but you take one back.

“Well you did because your little bet… it worked. I love you, Renjun, so congratulations.” There is bitterness and an inexplicable amount of heartbreak that lace your venomous confession.

All of his life, he thought that if one person liked him back, he’d be the happiest person in the world. Possibly confused at how to proceed with the information, but definitely glad that someone could see any redeeming characteristics in him.

But he feels all the opposite. Your confession keeps his heart broken. If anything, it puzzles him more. “How..? Why would you ever like me?” There were no tricks, no attempts at flirtation, nothing out of bounds of being your friend. He just had himself. And if anyone in the universe were to like him, he’d never expect it would be you.

You groan, growing more infuriated at Renjun. “Because you’re everything I wish I could be. You’re level-headed and insightful. You’re calm and cool, without any necessary arrogance. The way you make me feel… I feel important to you, at least, I thought I was.” Your voice continues to drop softer and softer, “how could I not like you?”

The butterflies could not come at a better time. Hearing you compliment him when he found it difficult to look past his own self deprecation, he’s beyond any levels of shock. Nevertheless, he feels apologetic and knew that this is all too good to be true.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N), for making that terrible bet. But, I need you to know one thing: our friendship was genuine. All I’ve ever wanted these past months is to make sure your sweet smile stays resting on your beautiful face.”

“Why? You didn’t know me! You used me for some … pride gamble. I was nothing to you the day you made that bet.” You shout harsh words at him, and Renjun can’t hold back any longer.

This is what he meant by something catastrophic. When he’s pushed to the edge of a cliff, all his buttons are pressed aggressively. Everything falling apart. The loose ends coming undone all too quickly to grapple. He never wanted it to come to this.

“That-That’s not true! I loved you long before that regretful night! You mean every single moment of happiness to me. You’re every ray of sunshine that kisses my skin, every blue sky that reminds me of good days. You mean everything to me.” Genuine words pour from his lips, hoping that you’ll understand what’s left of his heart.

“You’re confessing?” You gasp, practically dazed at the amount of metaphors he compared you to. “Something catastrophic.” A small moment of recollection and a mumble under your breath, you’re understanding what he meant by the phrase he used several nights ago.

“Yes because I can't lose you. I’m a mess of feelings at the moment, but I just know that I’m scared to wake up to days without you in them.” Renjun pleads, the night air causing goosebumps to rise on his arms. His eyes are full of melancholy and fear as he waits for your response.

And you want to forgive him, but would that mean your heart is being too easy? You feel lingering pain, but your eyes reflect Renjun. “To think I thought you were pretty fearless.” Scoffing, you roll your eyes at him and are completely unsure what to do next.

Nevertheless, you’ve wanted someone like Renjun at some point in your life. You hoped for better days and those didn’t start happening until you two met. Renjun went from being your distant study partner to being your number one person to call. He’s wiped more tears than any boy has.

The difference between Renjun and Jaemin is while Jaemin is known to have an extravagantly warm presence, Renjun’s is hidden underneath all the quietness. Like a breakthrough, getting through Renjun felt like getting through to yourself. You needed him to aid in your own self love.

All you’ve ever wanted is to be seen and Renjun saw you.

“I forgive you.” Renjun can finally breathe and rest his tense muscles. But when he reaches for your hand, you take it away. “But it doesn’t mean we are okay. I’ll approach you when I’m ready.”

It’s not easy to love as it’s not easy to pretend that everything can go back to normal after being hurt. You need him to understand that, would he wait for you? The many others before didn’t.

“Okay.” That is all he can say, in the midst of a defeat, he still wishes that you’d stay by his side. But he wrestles that desire with transparency and having organic feelings. Nonetheless, he values the latter. If you did really somehow manage to love him, you’ll come back when you’re ready. He knows. He understands. He sees you through and through.

And he watches you disappear back into the house to find a friend to drive you home. He loves you, but love can also be consequential.

It’s already midway into the school semester and not that Renjun is counting or anything, but it’s been practically a whole month since the night at the party. He’s done nothing, except sigh in despair and reminisce about the memories before they were ruined.

While Jaemin’s efforts to console him are much appreciated, it doesn’t do much for the fact that you haven’t acknowledged Renjun’s existence for a whole thirty days.

And although he’ll wait a lifetime for you, the question of when he should move on ponders his clouded thoughts. His intensively agonizing desire of wanting to be by your side has dwindled down now. Renjun just wants to see you happy.

“Hey Cupid,” It’s a newly despised nickname coined by the one and only person who knows how to push at Renjun’s buttons — Lee Haechan. Haechan knocks obnoxiously at his door and does not wait around to hear an answer, “get your sad face out here.”

“Go away, Haechan. I’m not in the mood.” As Renjun mindlessly skims over his calendar for important dates, he is pained by the reminder of your upcoming birthday. You had marked it yourself a while back and specifically told Renjun that his attendance is entirely mandatory.

Times have changed now, right? You’ve been radio silent for weeks and as much as he hates to say this to himself: you probably don’t remember making such an assertion. Why would you? You’re most likely not thinking about him anymore anyways and maybe that’s for the better.

“Hey! Lovestruck Asshole, I’m not going to tell you again. Get that arrow out of your ass and come outside now.” Just the demand alone in Haechan’s voice irritates Renjun enough to where he’s storming to open his door.

But what it reveals is not the smirk of his annoying housemate, instead, it is the image of the very first time Renjun ever laid eyes on you and the moment Cupid’s Arrow struck right through his heart. It’s a rush of nostalgia that surges through his veins.

You sit with a hand underneath your chin and elbow pressing into a flat surface for support. The dazed stare of daydream as you’re unaware of your surroundings, yet still waiting for something exciting to catch your attention. And just how lovely you look in the softest rose colored shirt and how your lips, still barely glistening from a quick swipe of your tongue, are slightly agape into an expressionless rest.

All before your eyes trail to the distraction of another body entering the room and for a brief second, make eye contact with Renjun as he’s all the more astonished by your grace. Then like a scene that’s imprinted in his head too clearly, your gaze drops back down to the floor and you’re back to your inner thoughts.

As if the pierced arrow in his heart is triggered, Renjun rediscovers the feelings of a newfound infatuation — a crush. Though baseless except in regards to physical attraction, he’s nonetheless amazed by how quickly you take his breath away… again.

Unlike the first memory, you actually speak to him as you’re now familiar with the starry eyed boy. “It’s been a while.”

The color in your voice that he’s missed hearing is pure music. He clears his throat as if he’s afraid of his own vocal chords breaking from nervousness.

“H-Hey, yeah. It’s been a while.” Renjun repeats dumbfounded that you’re even sitting in his shared living room.

“How have you been?” There you are being polite, but the giddiness still runs like static through his veins at being asked about his well being.

“Lost.” He blurts out the first word that comes to mind. Perhaps, he should stop using words with such heavy implications to friendly gestures. Your head immediately pops up and he scrambles to correct himself. “I mean I’ve been distracted lately.”

“Sadness really does take its course.” You tread lightly, testing the waters with a small grin. The atmosphere is oddly comforting, like feeling you can’t quite replace.

Renjun looks rather rough around the edges, but you don’t blame him since you did show up unannounced. However, the glint in his eyes is much of a delight to see. The way his small mouth curves into the tiniest smile and the gentleness in his regular cadence remind you of past long days full of laughter. The best part of them all — you spent them together.

“My birthday is coming up soon.” Jumping straight to the point of your visit, you stand up to approach him. “I plan to host a small party… and I remember saying a while back that your attendance is mandatory.”

Renjun catches his breath in his throat and he could run gleeful laps around the room if it isn’t for the poorly spaced complex. “So are you still down, Huang Renjun?”

“I’d love that.” He smiles greatly at your offer and as simple as that, your arms wrap around his torso into a long awaited embrace.

“Me too.” You mumble into his shirt and take a deep breath of his lavender scented detergent, “I’m ready. I’m ready to have you in my life. I’m ready to laugh with you. I’m ready to lay in your company. I’m ready to give you my heart.”

As you finish your last sentence, his arms wrap around you too and pull you into a tighter hold. “You have always had mine.”

Renjun can finally remove the arrow that unforgivingly stayed stuck in his heart for the longest time. Your reciprocated love fills up the hole that is left behind. He can now love you with a full and whole heart.