#having weird gender feelings rn
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me rn, but instead of nb, it’s god only knows what
#having weird gender feelings rn#not that anyone needs to know but the other night i got bored#and was like ‘i wonder what having a dick is like lol’#so i put the nearest vaguely phallic object (a dry shampoo bottle) down my pajama bottoms#and proceeded to go ‘huh’#but genuinely i don���t have the time to consider my gender too closely#tho tbh i could still be nb this doesn’t have to change anything#and also i’m not even saying i want bottom surgery#i was just bored and sleep deprived at like 5am#so maybe that’s it#but i mean… i keep thinking about it#so there does seem to be something there#literally do not™️ need this rn#i’m already anxious about a bunch of stuff#some that’s like not a big deal and some that is#i don’t really wanna be worried about this on top of it all#i don’t think i’d get bottom surgery even if i could#and i can’t get a packer#so i’ll just have to deal either way 🤷🏻♀️#anyways sorry if this is too much information imaoooo#but like i need to vent so deal x
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I'm not at all an expert on gender studies but if you're interested in it at all I HIGHLY recommend you look into oppositional sexism as an issue because I feel like I can see into the fourth dimension of queer discourse now
#spitblaze says things#we SAY that gender is a spectrum and not a binary! and it IS a spectrum!#but too many people still view it as a binary on a social level#like yes your *gender* can be literally anything but what about your *experiences* and *privileges*? those get shoved into 'men' and 'women'#and a lot of people are under the impression that these experiences are Entirely Separate and Cannot Be Compared#which just isnt true!#i feel like we're sort of seeing a weird assertion rn that masculinity in and of itself grants privilege#as in. butch women have some sort of nebulous privilege over femme women#which is uh. not true but DOES come back to oppositional sexism. masculinity makes your experiences inherently different somehow#but it DOESNT
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skk is so t4t to me at this point i can't process them as anything else fr
#specifically the trans guy chuuya/nb dazai variation#op's blog is unfortunately deleted but that one post abt chuuya's story being like an allegory to being trans if you look for it#(like. being told you're one thing. believing you are smth else. fighting to prove it but eventually just accepting it is already enough)#and you know my approach to nb dazai (<- insane in an excited and passionate way)#like there's the gender neutral ''i'' and the princess thing and generally the whole vibe of having a ''weird'' identity#fhe neutrality and the separation from others. i feel you man (<- is projecting so much rn but it's ok. it's my blog 🧐)#i can't phrase it properly rn but. but yeah. you get me.
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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"You talk like a boy, but you're a girl!"
Young, precious, precious 6 year old child, I adore you. I couldn't help respond with, "oh yeah? Is that your official diagnosis, doctor?" in affectionate awe.
She, of course, was basing her observation upon my clean-shaven face, and BEAUTIFULLY GLOSSY, LUXURIOUS HAIR TAMED INTO A HUMBLE, OVER-THE-SHOULDER BRAID. Not sure how to explain that it's more complicated than that while her mother was right there waiting for her card to finish running through, I successfully deflected entirely with, "girl, I've had this braid longer than you've been alive," like... like I was some sort of boomer... but I at least kept it cheeky with how I said it so it was clear I was having fun.
Her mom was kind of embarrassed?? I think. Which she shouldn't be, because it was cute as shit. She also complimented my hair and then said it looked really good on me and not knowing on how to reply to that, I just did my patented THOUSAND-WATT GRIN OF DEFLECTION with a big "AWW, THANK YOU MA'AM. RECEIPT? NO? HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY" because I wasn't sure how to take the sudden change in tone of voice idk
#the observational skills of children are phenomenal#my vibe must have changed recently because this is the second time in a week ive been Gender-Interrogated by a child#also it would feel fucking weird to say 'its like if a goodboy was babygirl' because thats gibberish to anyone not violently online#i also didnt think to be like 'actually im just me but thanks i love it' tho. that worked for the first kid. he just nodded sagely and then#his dad immediately did the manly scoff and commented about how ive probably been growing out my hair longer than the kid had been alive#and that was like#idk it was kind of a cool dad moment that hit me gently because like#its rare that a man who looked and talked like my uncles' work buddies said that instead of something kind of mocking u know#im v high rn and i had a good day#assigned gemder at chekcout
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I wish i was a boy so i could get my ears pierced and piss off so many stupid people but be soso beautiful 😔😔😔
#just had to endure the most stupid fucking conversation#i feel like especially when you KNOW men who have their ears pierced like its giving insecure#and unnecessarily nasty#and mind your business#i need to cut my hair really short again so i can balance the world#actually lets talk about that in these tags rn because why not#i have really been grappling lately with whether i like having my hair a bit longer or not#because Technically i look 'Better' with it a little longer. but the main reason i like it short because the physical sensation of hair on#my neck etc bothers me soooooooo much. like i can live with it. its not a big deal but bruhhh#if i honestly thought i could pull it off i would shave my head entirely. but i simply like the Look of hair on my head so here we are#but yeah hashtag annoying and idk what to choose#le text post#anyways. any and every gender can do whatever the fuck they want to their body and wear what they want and ppl should stop saying its weird#or gay or feminine or whatever the fuck else they think is an insult!!!!!#aaaaaaaaaaaa
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gets up on my little stage with my secret little four followers blog and turns off reblogs. i think that a lot of current mcyt/mcyt fandom rn would be defending anne rice literally suing fanfic writers who shipped her characters. creators do not have a say in fan works or fan spaces for a REASON. they dont get to say what we make just like we dont get to say what they make. if we dont like their work we can avoid it just like if they dont like ours they can avoid it- UNLESS. someone else. decides to shove it in their face. can you fucking imagine. youve got this one story trope that you absolutely hate or that makes you really uncomfortable and this one jackass keeps showing it off to you. and that is somehow the norm for some of these fandoms??? i have seen elder fans cringe away in HORROR at the concept of how involved mcyt creators are in their fanbases. i grew up writing fics plastered with "I DONT OWN THIS" disclaimers on a website that, straight up, Did Not Allow You to post about certain works by certain authors. if an author didn't want you to create any fanwork, you Were Not Allowed. Doesn't that sound familiar. stories are built on top of other stories on top of other stories on top of other stories. it doesn't matter if someone creates something that grosses you out- all those authors who were disgusted by the queer shipping of their characters were ABSOLUTELY grossed out. the point isn't protecting the creators from others' creations the point is to take inspiration from something you love and to MAKE !!
#slams fist down on desk like gavel#genuinely i think a lot of people with the moral purity mindset would have a better time if they watched horror movies#fun fact a lot of fiction is supposed to give you feelings and yes fun fact sometimes that feeling is disgust#sometimes a show tries to make me go awwwwww but my response is disgust#it doesnt matterr its just media and different media serves different goals for different people#the consumption or creation of media itself (beyond some Very Specific Examples that are already very incredibly illegal) is not#a morality thing#this is like the one time ill actually talk about my thoughts on this i like the groovin' thru doing what i want cycle more than addressing#but i am still so baffled by fucking. gore. being a problem#and also personally salty because i want to read a fic that will peel the skin from my bones#but the 'safe' thing to create is fluff SO IM ONLY FINDING FLUFF#rrraghgh#classic disclaimer my sleep is v strange rn i may have phrased things weird im just a lil guy its my birthday mercy mercy etc etc etc whate#the point is. i always think about anne rice suing the Shit out of people when people talk about policing creator boundaries#and i am just waiting for the day someone says you can't ship their character with another character the same gender#and how people are primed to beat the everlovin shit out of anyone who does
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hit a rough patch processing my gender in the past few days & have been feeling down about not being able to talk about pretty much any aspect of my identity without tacking on seven disclaimers and a vocab quiz 😮💨 wish I could just put the identity crisis on hold until I finish my finals
#personal#a classmate asked me if I had a lover and I said fuck no I’m ace as hell and immediately felt like a Bad Ace™️ even though it was true#can’t just talk about being ace bc that’s aroallo and sex-favorable erasure#can’t just talk about being aro because I also don’t want to fuck#can’t talk about being aroace without explaining the SAM even though I can’t split my own identity bc that’s aroallo AND alloace erasure#can’t talk about sex- or romance-repulsion without clarifying that I’m not judging my friends for having/wanting relationships#can’t pin down my gender with one label so I feel like a fraud using all of them#can’t talk about being socialized female without distancing myself from the first 22 years of my life#can’t be annoyed about being parsed as a butch lesbian because god it was a compliment and it’s not like I’m actually a man right?#but also can’t explain why it’s weird to think of women (or anyone) being attracted to me because that’s? basically homophobic I guess?#idk man I’m just tired#I’ve got so much other stuff on my plate rn it’d be great if This One Thing was easier
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i wish my family members would stop having a complex about my size and physical strength because i have the same one in the opposite direction and i legitimately do not know what my body looks like
#yes i am marginally the shortest one in the immediate family. yes you have a funny nickname based on that#is it worth the fact that i genuinely dont know how im perceived by others and now feel a vague need to compensate for everything about me#'oh so small 🥺 you dont play hockey 🥺 you dont have a job rn 🥺'#FACT CHECK FUCKERS. I AM LITERALLY THE AVERAGE HEIGHT FOR AMERICANS REGARDLESS OF SEX.#I WOKE UP AT 530 TO GO SWIM AND THE ONE YR COMPARING ME TO WAS LATE FOR SCHOOL.#I MADE OVER 700 DOLLARS IN A 2 WEEK PAYCHECK THIS SUMMER WHICH COMES OUT TO 35 HOURS PER WEEK. GET FUCKED.#also im in 10 clubs and pulling As in 6 honors classes. sorry that wasnt big and strong enough for you#and then they take that and theyre like 'oh teehee the responsible one compared to the dummy incompetent men'#ok but we do know how he needs to take the trash out rigjt#like it also sucks that my brother is pigeonholed as 'quiet meathead' because they clap and cheer for him when he does anything#its a weird degree of surveillance that he shouldnt be subjected to as hes figuring out how to be his own person#but for everything they see about him i do 5 things unnoticed#him as Quiet meathead leaves room for me to be either the tiny delicate responsible one or the frivolous hysterical one#HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE THIS IS JUST GENDER STEREOTYPES#ok this time im really gonna do it /not serious
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no actually going on T somehow awakened me to a part of my gender that i didnt rly think existed and that's honestly so cool. like. i fully went into starting T thinking i was a Trans Man(tm) but as i'm weaning off it a year and a half later i've realized my genderfuckery is so much more fucked than i previously thought and like......no genuinely that's so cool.
#like i still consider myself transmasc? and i am very gay in a man who likes men way. but also.......#girlboy/boygirl is a dichotomy i genuinely Get now. im like ya thats meee.....#and i fuck even heavier w androgyny than i did before going on T. i LIKE the weird in-between my voice is at rn and the more it settles.#the more im getting my higher range Back in ADDITION to the lower range i have now. im jst like wow. my power. thts hot.#like i fully consider myself nonbinary. MORE dubiously than i did before. idk it's just cool yk.#like figuring things out abt myself. and all of that shit. i feel like im growing into my gender. like a tree planting roots or smthn.#it just feels very cool and beautiful and natural and i like it a lot!#i cringe being called A Man (with the implication of being binary) as much as i do being called A Woman (w/ binary implications).#but if u call me A Man or A Woman with dubious gender intent........no ya do that. please. it's hot it's sexy it's intangible much like me.#anyways i need to go to bed 🛌#summer's text tag#might even fuck around and start usinf she/her again who knows not me
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not being able to sing well anymore is like the one part of being on t that is making me sad. like i miss being in choir but there's no fucking shot i could do it with my crackly ass voice. like yesterday i was tryiong to sing and it was so so so so bad. granted i talk in a higher register at work all day and i was zonked but i just couldnt hit pitches like i used to. like i know it will settle eventually and be fine but like. Whimper
#ray.txt#Wait actually if i do figure this out i soooo want to be in choir again this fall like i think ill take part time classes at the college i#did my pseo at cuz i liked it there! and also liz my choir director was so so nice <3 literally that class made me so much more#comfortable with my voice.. Like when i took choir in middle school it was weird and dysphoric for reasons that i obviously#didnt have the words to describe yet. but the way that liz used gender neutral terms to refer to everyone made me feel#so comfortable and made me apprecaite my voice for what it was even though other people saw it as being feminine maybe#it was like a tool to me and i could sing and feel proud.#Fuck i literally just remembered that the reason why i took choir when i did was cuz i heard that testosterone just FUCKED your singing and#was like. Well ill enjoy it while i can i guess like it sucks that i cant get on t rn but might as well enjoy my journey#its just. Yeah. again like i know that ill be fine its just sad
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ouhohoohh wait. sorry gender moment. changing my pronouns but it's like a werewolf transformation scene where their clothes stretch and rip and tear as i become the evil transtrender i once feared. adding it/its to my bio lol
#makes me feel like im a dog getting scratched on the head it feels affectionate and familiar and nice#which is generally the opposite of how ppl view those pronouns but hey who give a shit#it's like. idk. it's nice being treated like a creature sometimes. like the opposite of if you cant beat em join em#like on purpose dehumanization. i am detached from this shit entirely#look if im gonna feel like the Other all the time i might as well be treated like an Entity yk#kinda works for me im realizing#which is weird bc it's never really struck a chord with me. but ig i never really considered it that much before now#and i mean ig thats the fun/trouble with genderfluidity is the impermanence thing. gotta keep checking in on it#and neopronouns have never really worked for me but they isn't really great either (except for the once in a blue moon where it's perfect)#but i still need smth neutral... yeah.... yeah ok#ok!!#yeah.... gender getting weirder by the day all right!!!#not getting rid of the other pronouns im just adding to them lol#wow yeah. i feel way more seen like that rn wowza. ok#probably not an always thing bc nothing is with this godforsaken gender (affectionate in a shitty first car way)#but like. yeah :)#at least something came out of today (<- was supposed to do like 8 things and did not)#got mildly upset early on and everything just fell apart. whyyyyy im gonna fail my french exam TOMORROW#did not study hhhhhhh but whatever#i was so ready and willing too i had a fucking plan i erased the rgg guys on my whiteboard (rip) to draw a chart and everything#whateverrrrrr it's fine. augh
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hmmmmm
#sometimes i wonder if i shld think more abt gender stuff? cuz i dont rly sweat it anymore#i dont luv hearing myself called someones daughter/sister etc#also sometimes i worry its like a weird internalized thing for me where i feel like im gross n weird#so im just some Thing/boything#which isnt the worst but its like i also get by in the world being misgendered n called woman stuff#for likeee many yrs now#so maybe its just not the biggest deal for me as some ppl n thats fine? or. idk#n smth abt feeling like im weird n different growing up cuz i Am weird n if that had some effect on how i feel abt my me?#mannnnn why does it even matterrrr#i just feel like maybe i shld do some investigating (in my feelings/brain) but i think overthinking it#will just be stressful n pointless#he/him = good n feels better n so what if im just a Whatever its fineeee#just worried that feelings of being weird n different n feeling ugly etc have made some impact on it#cuz that would be weird :/// idk#im on lunch at work why am i thinking abt this rn#it literally doesnt impact anythingggg#im not Out irl except to my few friends#who caressssss not me i decide!#p
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Man I need to remember that while I may not like the way I present sometimes, that doesn’t mean I look objectively bad. Like it’s ok to look fem and people noticing it doesn’t mean they don’t like it, even if I don’t like it.
#I'm coping today#thing is TODAY I like how I look because I'm wearing my pyjama combo of Giant T-Shirt Sweatpants and Hoodie#but I can't go out like this#I'm just mildly dreading tomorrow when I have to don my normal people clothes#I need to buy some more gender affirming normal people clothes like a nice boxy black t shirt and black pants#sometimes I like my 80s librarian clothes but today they're making me dread going out#BUT. that doesn't mean. Other people will feel that way. I Will Be Ok.#actually I just need it to be summer now?#t-shirt and basketball shorts weather#thinkin about dressing like. Well. Sans Undertale rn is making me feel confident#listen my goal is to look like a respectable pile of laundry#... I miss my old school uniform#an excuse to wear a bedraggled shirt and tie and for that to not be weird
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first workout after top surgery had me flying high all day
#my seroma is probably finally gone and i just have this one tiny spot that's not healed yet after 6 weeks#(i'm a slow healer in general so it's not unexpected)#i was doing some jumping jack variants during warmup and did feel that a little so i slowed it down#but it felt so good finally i've had this awful pent-up-energy for so long#even after i went beastmode in the woods#also workouts already made me feel a little gender before and now it's crazy the euphoria#i'm sure it'll die down eventually but AAAA I LOVE IT SM (it being. my body. how wild is that)#anyway i visted my family and talked to my brother abt working out almost the whole time#I WAS EXCITED OKAY#also had a fun hangout day with all my friends the night prior so just. i welcome the good mood#anyway i usually do upper focus (before)#but during my 6 weeks break i was thinking i shld probably add core to that#so now i'm gonna alternate core + upper. i did core today#it was actually a cardio circuit + a lower body circuit + a core circuit so i feel like it was a pretty well rounded first go back#i gotta be a little slow with upper body stuff anyway cause that's. the surgery.#also i had raised my regular weights after a while before and. like i know i lost some during my break but i'm loathe to go back down#so instead i'm using just one of my two weights for stuff that's too hard with 2 rn. works pretty well#and i already did this before but modifying certain lifts that are meant for smaller weights to be more stable to work with my regular ones#cause i don't have time to be constantly switching my weights and i don't have enough money for more than 1 set#anyway i don't usually do lower body focus (i skip leg day) cause my legs are very limited use due to some weird joint issue#my arms are too but i don't spent all day walking on my arms so i can usually push them a little harder in workout#ehehehe anyway
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My workplace seems to lean pretty conservative, and I (without telling anyone) started hrt a few months into working here. For the most part everyone’s been pretty normal about it so far, at least to my face, which I really appreciate
One of my coworkers is clearly super uncomfortable around me though. It’s kinda funny because he acts weird every time he has to talk to me. It’s very “one of my coworkers is a disturbing alien slime mold but I have to be polite.” Speaks to me very stiffly and formally, uses slightly too many words, over-enunciates. He seems very stressed about it. Like man you don’t have to do all this. Someone called me a faggot earlier this month. As long as you’re not threatening me with physical violence i don’t care; you’re allowed to dislike me. Chill
#surge talks#actually it’s interesting bc most of my coworkers still she/her me. but sometimes someone who’s clearly referring to me will say#’sir’ or ‘they’ or whatever. one of my coworkers has started ‘dude’ing me a lot but he doesnt seem to do that with everyone else so ????#customers so far have exclusively gendered me male but also i dont think anyone expects a woman to be working at this place#outside of my coworkers i feel like i’m at the awkward part of transitioning where i’m like a gender rorschach test#outside of work i dont get gendered much but it seems like people are mostly reading me as male which is nice but weird#i’m used to getting read as a guy sometimes but then i speak or move and people do a double take and ‘correct’ themselves… but that’s#not happening anymore at all. literally spent 4 hours in a car talking with a guy who called me sir at the end of it#everything is so ?????? but mostly i feel like i am not allowed to use public restrooms rn
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