#also sometimes i worry its like a weird internalized thing for me where i feel like im gross n weird

[monsterbisexual]

hmmmmm

[emmg]

Swapped sugar daddy anon crawling back into ur inbox, (I am continuing to write the beginning of their relationship, and ngl my respect for fic writers has tripled. I have no idea how you do this I feel like a 5 yr old smacking 2 barbies together and yelling kiss) and apologies for how long this is but I’ve been thinking about how everything eventually blows up in their faces and I kinda want it to be a pregnancy scare in her final year? They’ve been seeing each other for a few years now, and they get a little relaxed about things, they’re exclusive and she’s on the pill so they don’t have to worry about it. Until her period is several weeks late so she takes a test just in case and suddenly they really do. And oh god she wants kids, especially Emmrich’s kids, but not right now??? She doesn’t want to have to juggle pregnancy/a baby while writing and defending her thesis. They haven’t even talked about kids yet even if she’s pretty sure he wants them? He hasn’t acknowledged her hints about marriage, is it because he doesn’t want to marry her? She’s so scared about what this means and she needs Emmrich’s support and why is he being so weird and cagey about this? Does he think she’s trying to baby trap him? (She doesn’t know but he wouldn’t mind, he’d probably say thank you)

And Emmrich is in crisis mode. Now, he is a pro choice king so whatever rook wants is what happens, but also oh god he wants this child sooo bad. He’s always wanted kids but he’d kinda given up on it at this point and add in that it’s Rooks baby? a little piece of their love made physical (Don’t think too hard about how she doesn’t really love you Emmrich). An excuse to still see her sometimes, even if it means watching her eventually move on and marry and start a family with someone else. Even if she doesn’t want to be involved he could keep this little part of her (its only for a second, but he thinks he’d give her anything she asked for, he’d pay off her student loans, he’d buy her a fucking house, if she let him have this even if she walks away from it) but she can’t know that. He’d never forgive himself if he pressured her into this no matter how much he wants it. And he realises how completely and utterly fucked he is. Rook is the love of his life but he isn’t hers and there’s no way that this can continue as it is. If she keeps the baby she’ll never really be able to leave him behind, and is he selfish enough to ruin her life like that? He’s already bought the last three years with fancy restaurants and expensive gifts, what can he possibly offer her that’s worth the rest of her life?

I’m still not 100% sure about how it all comes out but I imagine that it's probably a fight, their first big real fight, about how rook feels like Emmrich’s being avoidant and unsupportive and Emmrich is fighting for his life bc internally he’s hanging on by a thread, like why is she treating this like their relationship is actually real? He’s trying to build up some emotional distance bc no matter how this goes he’s kinda fucked and he wants to make sure that he makes it through this at least somewhat emotionally intact. I think rook eventually calls him out on this, saying something about how she thought he was serious about this, about her, how she thought they were gonna get married but how he’s acting is making her rethink that bc it doesn’t seem like he is very serious about her right now. And he says something about how of course he wants to marry her but he wouldn’t put her in that position bc he knows it would be unfair to ask her for that. And rook is like what the actual fuck are you talking about Emmrich? And Emmrich is crying at this point, quietly and very prettily but he is crying. And this is when the misunderstanding comes out, where Emmrich is like “I know you don’t actually love me and I don’t expect you to, but I would appreciate it if we could discuss this situation without pretending that you do.” and this is when rook starts to put the pieces together and is like “wait do u think i'm only with you for your money” and Emmrich’s like “yes? Why else would you be dating me?”

I have absolutely zero ideas on how this is actually resolved but i know that emmrich 100% ugly sobs at some point. And realistically he’s probably still quite insecure about whether or not rook actually does love him but i feel like they work it out eventually and get married and are disgustingly happy together.

Also idk if they keep the baby or not, but they absolutely have at least 1 kid at some point.

BABYYYYYY I am ON MY KNEES begging you to publish this because I have read and re-read it so many times that I’m basically in a parasocial relationship with your asks. At this point, just reading your ideas is activating my primal hunger instincts. I’m starving. I am THIS CLOSE to organizing a fandom-wide intervention where we collectively cyberbully you into dropping this holy manuscript.

The way I flatlined at "pro-choice king"—like, I ascended. I left my body. LMAO

Listen, I am normally violently allergic to the "and they lived happily ever after with 2.5 kids and a suburban mortgage" trope. I break out in hives. I see it, and suddenly the book I loved turns into a mid-tier Hallmark movie where the protagonist goes from slaying demons to clutching her stomach and whispering “oh my god.” Like, girl. GIRL. No. Keep that away from me. Anyway, thanks for attending my TED Talk.

BUT. FUCKING. EMMRICH VOLKARIN. This man was engineered in a lab to be a father. He was born for it. I go absolutely rabid over the idea of him having a daughter. He is so girl-dad-coded that it’s spiritual. Rook so much as mentions her period is late, and this man is weeping.

He’s already drafting a will.

He's calling his lawyer.

He’s distributing his gold bars.

He’s making her his sole life insurance beneficiary.

"And rook is like what the actual fuck are you talking about Emmrich?" — lmfao nah for real. What did you think these last three years were? And Emmrich does that Gob face from Arrested Development, you know the one:

I want him to cry and then I want them to fuck and then I want him to cry while they fuck. That's it, your honor.

[drdemonprince]

woof. your recent posts really resonate with me especially now that im making more gay and trans friends, im meeting so many cool nonmonogamous trans people that seem to have casual sex with basically all their nonmonogamous trans friends and like. its almost giving me a complex where if i think someone is cool and want to be friends with them, even if im not attracted to them, i have a perception that the only way to befriend them is to pursue them sexually. or that if they dont wanna fuck me when they fuck all their other trans friends that means there's something wrong with me (again even if i don't particularly want to fuck them!)... i love being trans and poly, and i love having more trans and poly people in my life, but sometimes i think about this one reddit comment where a dude said he noticed his gay friend had way more fun at straight bars than gay bars bc at straight bars he wasn't worrying about his appearance/body image/validation/sexual prospects

yeah honestly i get this so much and it's a very dismaying swirl of emotions to have. i don't like fucking friends. at all. it actively makes me feel unsafe and like i'm only useful to someone insofar as i'm satisfying a desire for them. it makes me feel more disposable. plus im insanely jealous if i have an actual emotional connection with someone i'm fucking so i wouldn't do well in a whole poly queer mish mosh of dear devoted friends who also sometimes bang. i would be plotting the downfall of the people i was most primed to view as a threat and sowing discord between people and shit. not good.

i also think it is a little fucking concerning when people only date/have sex as their sole way to make friends, and are only friends with people they want to fuck. this tends to create a very homogenous friend group that is heavily restricted based on desirability politics. it's also just really objectifying and unsustainable.

now i must say!! this is very much in the minority of poly people -- poly people are generally fucking AMAZING at being friends because even as just their buddy they treat hanging out with the same degree of intention and care as they would going on a date. they can hang! they want to go out and do things! they're more practiced in building a new intimacy of *any* kind than most monogamous people are.

it's just that there are some weird culty up their own ass bad boundaried polycules out there, in the same way there are abusive, codependent, jealous, miserable fucking monog couples.

but even tho most queer and poly people are more ascended than that, yeah, there is a weird unsettling constant self-evaluation that can happen in spaces where fucking almost anybody is theoretically on the table. some of that is a problem in how people treat one another, and some of that is just insecurity in between your own ears.

i get it fully. im hyper conscious of myself and how i imagine im being perceived and how people are seeing me when im out in queer spaces. and most of it is me being fully insane and making myself miserable based on nothing. because literally who cares who is attracted to me in that space and who isn't??? what matters is what i want in that moment, and my behavior, which i have control over. i should be able to just float around smiling at people and dancing and chit chatting and if someone is feeling my energy and we can talk, great, if they try to make it sexual when i dont want it to, i can just walk away. like it fully does not need to be that deep.

but it's a hard internal hurdle to overcome and every time someone hits on you, ignores you, misreads your identity, etc it can be used by your mind as fodder for The Narratives and The Insecurities and make things worse and it really has to be an intentional practice to not do that to yourself.

if you can bounce along carelessly in the straight club because you're not worrying about how people see you, you can bounce along carelessly in the queer club and not worry about how people see you. literally treat queer people the same way you'd treat straight people who seem perfectly fine but are not your problem and not a focus for you. you can stop trying to mind read the intentions of every queer person and stop sizing yourself up in their eyes and not worrying about who is fucking who and who is in love with who and who is secretly jealous but pretending not to be. and just. hang out. and feel things out. and exist in your own body and pay attention to what interests you and what you are experiencing rather than how they are experiencing you.

i say this as a reminder to myself!!

[sirenium]

I hate that there are still transmeds. Their whole ideology does nothing but hurt, and any self validation people get from this shit is very shallow and at the expense of EVERY trans person (including themselves!). I hate that there are still people who stand by such a damaging ideology, and I hate that it isn't all just a bunch of cis people. Because at its root, it's just transphobia, and trans transmeds are just transphobic. They are standing by transphobic cis people. It is a group that allows transphobic cis people to join; it gives cis transphobes an excuse to hate trans people.

I was one of many people who were hurt by this ideology. Even as I started to really identify with xenogenders, I was so worried about not being good enough as a trans person that I formed a middle ground where 'I think dysphoria is needed, but I don't police people's identities. I also think euphoria is a bigger indicator'. That was a message I sent to a server in the past. Even when I identified as 'tucute leaning' I still held on to the idea that dysphoria is at least somewhat needed to be transgender, and that isn't even the worst affect this shit has had on me.

trigger warning; Kalvin Garrah, suicide mention, t slur:

Around the time when Kalvin Garrah was big, I was starting to question my gender. I found one of his videos, and that ended up pushing me towards not realizing I was trans sooner. Luckily, though, I ended up coming out as nonbinary faster than I could've... it's just that I saw it as an alternative to being 'actually trans'. I fell back on nonbinary as a label to avoid the simple fact that I needed medical intervention for my 'nonexistent' dysphoria. As it turns out... my dysphoria was so bad, that it helped fuel my suicide attempt at 17. Regardless...

I have lingering biases towards 'tranny voice'; when first starting testosterone, I was afraid of ending up like Buck Angel for example, with his voice that didn't fit my idea of what would be a satisfactory transition outcome. I was horrified, and sometimes I still fight those thoughts as someone whose voice would be classified as 'tranny voice' as it is. Even as somebody who didn't really fall down the transmed hole, I still have struggled with views that are transmed-y. I still have scars.

I am very much someone who would have been targeted by people like Kalvin online as well, despite also being someone they would consider to be 'actually trans' in real life; online, I am the 'weird' queer, the one who uses neopronouns and is alterhuman and xenogender, whereas offline I am super stealth and dread the idea of being clocked as trans, have medically transitioned, have a 'normal' name, etc. Of course, the fact that I paint my nails would cancel all that out for some transmeds, I'm sure. It's funny too, the reason I started being more masculine is because I wasn't taken seriously, and started feeling like it's my fault because I wasn't 'putting enough effort' into things... a very transmed view.

I internalized what people said about nonbinary people, and that's what led to me thinking it was an alternative to being 'actually trans' and transitioning medically, something I surely didn't need because I 'wasn't dysphoric' in the way Kalvin, the 'actual trans person' described it, and I certainly didn't want to take resources from the real trans people. I watched people make fun of individuals who I saw myself in, and avoided acknowledging that I was really trans because of it. That's how transmedicalism harmed me.

And you know what, you don't need to have been personally harmed to see how bad transmedicalism is; take a moment to listen to trans people who have been harmed, look at how transmeds talk about being trans as something that is pure suffering and a mental illness. Listen to former transmeds who talk about how horrible transmed spaces were, and how much better they're doing now that they're in more inclusive spaces.

[sokkastyles]

To continue the discussion re: Katara and forgiveness I have a scalding hot take. It's important for me to disclaim that I don't fault Katara for wanting revenge on her mother's killer, nor have I ever believed she was in the wrong for feeling that way. However, sometimes I think Katara is expected to be an eternally forgiving Madonna figure because that was the image of herself she herself projected. From the very start of the show she's been rather self-righteous and never had doubts about her indestructible moral compass. Her line from Spirit Lady about never turning her back on the people who need her just gave me the impression that she has a mighty big savior complex. I know most people are endeared to her for those reasons but due to my own personal tastes it had the opposite effect for me (and I'm worried I'll get some flack for saying all this). I love characters who struggle with doing the Right Thing (tm) SUE ME. And now comes a situation where she finally FINALLY has a major moral quandary. She's manufactured this image of being perpetually virtuous. But now the illusion is shattered when there's discordance between what she wants to do versus what is the right (albeit, subjectively so) thing to do. You know, something every other human on earth has struggled with and that for a while she had distanced herself from. It was refreshing to see this major conflict between her and the people in her life. I just wanted to share my two cents (and friendly reminder I acknowledge that it's a scalding hot take) and I hope my criticism of Katara doesn't evoke too much anger from the ATLA masses *Sweats nervously*

To be honest, I think it's odd to say that Katara has always portrayed herself as perpetually virtuous when she's introduced to us in the very first episode yelling about having to wash Sokka's dirty socks. Right off the bat, we are told that she is a character who does NOT accept the role of the perfect, quiet, subservient, nurturing female. That's what I mean by a Madonna figure. It's a specific term used to describe misogynistic standards placed on women. Standards Katara speaks out against, loudly and openly, in the first few seconds she is introduced.

Katara's strong sense of morals is another matter. Katara has a defined sense of right and wrong and that means she holds herself to high standards, too, but that is a big part of her moral struggle. And that's been a part of her arc since early on, too, when she ran into conflict with the earthbenders or Jet in season one because they didn't live up to her moral standards and because she didn't know what the right thing to do was when the people she expected to be the heroes wouldn't step up in the way she expected, or turned out to actually be the villains. Katara has a certain way she expects the world to be and throughout the show that ideal is constantly fighting with the reality of the world and its expectations.

But all of this also occurs because of the pressure she feels to fit a certain standard, and to say that Katara imposed this on herself is kinda ignorant of the institutional nature of sexism, to be honest. Katara may think it's her job to take care of everyone, but she was eight years old when she began to internalize that, and it didn't happen in a vacuum, it happened due to the expectations that already existed for girls to take on a motherly role plus the trauma of her mother's death.

That's one of the things about sexism. It says that girls and women need to behave a certain way, then treats that prescribed behavior like it's a natural trait instead of a learned one and makes it the subject of mockery. Katara is often treated this way by the narrative, too. And then when she acts in a way that is counter to that prescribed behavior, it's portrayed as weird or out of line, even though that part of Katara has always been present throughout the story, and in fact one of the reasons she was so angry in the Southern Raiders was because the others kept acting like she was somehow not herself instead of recognizing where her hurt was coming from.

Sorry, I find this take to be luke-warm, at best.

[kafus]

i wish fellow women and lesbians did not weaponize their sexual trauma with men to be nasty to men who have never done them wrong or men as a whole. and i say this as someone who is very sexually traumatized and has had an irrational fear of men as a result in the past, something i still struggle with on occasion to some extent though not nearly as much (and of course i handle it like a rational adult)

what gets me about it is it doesn’t help anyone. obviously it harms men, which is bad and sucks and i can’t help but think how miserable it would be if i held those sorts of beliefs against all of my friends who are men right now, who are great people and add so much to my life. and of course this sort of sentiment leads to TER//Fs existing which severely hurts trans people too in so many ways. but it also hurts the woman saying those things about men

i cannot imagine being stuck in a cycle forever of thinking an entire half of the population is always out to get me, seeing every man around me as an abuser or a potential abuser. i cannot imagine making my sexual trauma more wide in scope than it already is. i cannot imagine dedicating even more energy to not just being traumatized, but being angry and bitter and fighting with people about it, putting others down. i can’t imagine telling people they’re just like the awful people who hurt me because they were born with a similar body type. i can’t fathom where i would be if i had not learned that in the end, my abusers chose to harm me because they were abusive, and not because they were born a certain way. i can’t fathom what my life would be like if i didn’t have all the male friends i do right now.

idk. ramble-y 3 am post i guess. i woke up in the middle of the night from some weird dreams and my stomach hurts and i can’t fall back asleep and have this stuff on the mind for some reason. i do agree that the patriarchy contributes to abuse against women. but that’s not every individual man’s fault. and i can criticize the system without criticizing people for being born a certain way into that system. and i wish more people could do the same.

frankly i’ve met so few lesbians that are reasonable about this topic that sometimes i feel ashamed to call myself one and i worry people will assume that i feel poorly towards men because of it. but that’s bad luck and lack of exposure i guess. and my really bad internalized lesbophobia that only rears its head over specific aspects of lesbianism but it really sucks when it does anyway

[halliescomut]

No Subs watch of My Personal Weatherman Ep 5

There will likely be spoilers but not about any of the dialogue because I don't understand what's being said.

-Talking to....editor I guess?? Not good news 😟😟😟

-Opening credits. God these men are so pretty!!!!

-Being depressed on your living room floor- relatable.

-Being depressed on the floor in front of your washing machine- slightly less relatable.

-The lighting in this scene is gorgeous though. Reminds me of the aquarium.

-Daddy's home!!! I mean....nah that's kinda what I meant. 😁

-As much as he adores Yoh, I know this silence is bothering him. Were Segasaki a lesser man he would get (visibly) frustrated, but he stays very gentle. 🥺🥺

-Now Daddy's cooking .... the feelings. The hand close ups. 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵 (Sometimes I worry I'm a little too honest on this site.)

-Ooooohhhh. Yummy 😋😋😋

-Anyone else feel like Yoh was like a little bit pissed that Segasaki's food is so good? 🤣 That look just felt a little bit like "Goddammit! You got to be good at this too?!"

-Ooohhhh what did Segasaki say to get that response?? (Edit after continuing- I'm going to assume he was 'asking' Yoh about taking a bath.)

-That smirk 😏😏😏😏

-Segasaki's hand on Yoh's cheek. *Swoon* That deserves its own compilation I think.

-Now we're in the tub 🛀 and Segasaki wants to know why Yoh is so sad. (Remember these are guesses, I can't understand unless it's one of about 15 Japanese words I know...or their names.)

-Yes more affection via hair drying!!! One of my favorite things!!! (Surprised it's not a Dyson blow dryer. I keep seeing them in so many shows, even ones where characters are poor and it makes no sense.)

-We've never seen Segasaki's room have we??

-Yoh instigating kisses 🤭🤭🤭🤭 And more than just kisses??🫣🫣🫣~~~Okay I did have to at least Google translate that interaction, because the vibes were very odd to me. Totally makes sense with the internal monologue Yoh had going. He wants to forget....and that would help him forget. But Segasaki knows what his game is and he's not going to let him hide, literally and metaphorically.

-Yoh the sad little homemaker is depressing me.

-There's something so weird to me about drying a shirt on a hanger. I live in a clothesline household, & line dry clothes all the time, but this is just odd to me. It arguably makes more sense, since clothespins will mess up your clothes sometimes, it's just a bit jarring.

-That is why we have clothespins.

-Yummy ramen. I had that for lunch yesterday. Homemade is yummy, but instant hits different sometimes.

-I think I hate the newscaster lady just bc Yoh does 🤣. (sub solidarity)

-Man-san...Yes I still adore her. Her fashion is a VIBE!! Also her eyebrows are so dynamic. I love it.

-OMG she drew them!!! That's so cute!!!

-IDK what she said, but I imagine it's something along the lines of "See, you make a perfect couple."

-Yoh is so cute. There's a plan for something, though I don't know what?

-They put Segasaki in all of these softly cuddly sweaters at home and I just don't know how anyone is supposed to resist cuddling him.... ykwim?

-I don't know what this conversation is about, but it feels a lot like Segasaki is saying "I can tell when you're lying to me my guy." 😬😬😬

-Did this man just bite him???🤣🤣Well I certainly saw that one, bite confirmed, and it was not a gentle nibble.

-The way Segasaki rubs his head on Yoh like a cat. 🥺😭

-Ope.....well that ended... violently.

-I have mixed feelings about the keychain 🫤 (attempting to minimize spoilers). I understand it, & based on the dynamic of the relationship, I'm okay with it, but I fear it may cause more trouble in the future....😬

-Segasaki looks so sad. 😢😢😢

-Well the preview for next ep includes more Man-san and Mr. Man-san, which I like. According to the Twitters, we're getting complete backstory of the college stuff, which looks very interesting. Also it looks like next ep. will be two weeks away instead of one 😩😩😩😩

[heademptysystem]

novums vocal records

(I also found Grays transcripts of a conversation he had with Novum about the system when we were younger from his point of view which I'm now analysing)

"It’s strange when I think back to it now, cause it all seems so blurred and wrong. Cause like I was older in my source, and then I appeared there, didn’t I? and I was a kid again? But I don’t think I even knew I had a source back then, all of that seemed to come later, towards when you remember me blue (Gray). So, I was pretty unaware in the beginning. I don’t remember ever being little, not like you were. They kept us apart mostly, May and Eve I mean. I only remember being around 8/9 mostly. Eve used to look after me, make me meals check I was okay, May used to play with me give me stuff to do. I don’t really think Xylen had that much to do with me personally, he used to focus on you more, I think. I do remember him though, he was funny. I used to play with Livvy a lot, she was the only one who really used to encourage us to see each other. I don’t know whether you remember but she used to take us down to the river and we’d play there, sometimes hide and seek but you’d always hide and count with her. You always looked sick, not physically, but you always looked ill. Dahlia used to sit with me sometimes when she was let out, she always looked ill too, she used to read to me and we’d draw together, its where my passion for It started. She’d tell me how you were doing too, I used to like you even then, you were always cool. I remember you snuck out once after May fell asleep and we snuck out to talk in the night. You started doing it whenever you were there, you’d sleep in my room and complain about the mess and the smell and sneak back in the morning.

I used to ask May where you went, sometimes I wouldn’t see you for days when you were sleeping bad, or the situation was bad. He'd say you did a very important job and when I was older, I’d understand. I never understood why you got to do the job and I didn’t as I was older, but May always assured me you were fine, I never really worried about you. Satan used to teach me things, how to make things and he’d spar with me to keep up a level of physical fitness. I don’t really remember anyone else.

There was a weird time in the inner world I don’t have access to, talking to you and may about it now I think it was when someone, one of the abusers I mean knew about the system? Its completely gone and the next thing I know, I’m nineteen, may, Xylen and Livvy are gone. Eve explained it all to me briefly, that they’d died. But it was okay, I was older, and I had all my source memories, all as if they’d happened yesterday so death was nothing new. I had life experience from outside the system so adjusting wasn’t too hard. I didn’t start to remember the kid bit until May came back, but there was always some hazy feeling whenever I thought too hard about it."

I think novums view is interesting, all his childhood memories revolve around Gray, well the ones that are in depth anyway, almost like Gray was seeking comfort in a place nobody else could reach (internally) and this is where novums innerworld memories are strongest, at least until after he aged.

- may (he/they) [overseer/system coordinator]

[mariammanjgal]

FIRST POST^^

Hi Hi Hiiii. I just randomly got the urge to start blogging on tumblr in 2023 lol. And the reason for that is that I've always wanted to have a diary but i'm too inconsistent for that plus it takes too much effort and time to write everything by hand. This blog has 0 followers so I'll have no shame about what I write here. Maybe I'll keep it a secret forever. Anyways, life lately has not been good at all. I think I'm really feeling the transition from teens to twenties (I'm 19) and I'm feeling it reeealll heeeavyyy. Daytimes are alr but whenever the night comes... oh boy. I sometimes want to rip my skin off (metaphorically(?)). Some aspects of my life have been really stagnant and they don't correlate with who I am anymore (maybe some people too). Don't think there are many feelings that feel worse than being stuck somewhere or with someone feeling like you don't belong. But at the same time I've changed so many times and so much during my long but short 19 years of life that I've kinda stumbled upon that situation many times. And I think what they say about your outer reality changing along with your inner self is true because I've shed so many versions of myself, I lost count and when I observe someone from a specific time in my life it feels like they're still there. Like they belonged there, so they internally stayed the same and they physically stayed there - idk how to explain it. I also feel like my appearance does not correspond with who I am. I've been feeling like that for a long time now actually. For example, I've been taught to always make safe choices with what i wear and how i match garments with each other, but that way of carrying pieces of clothing has nothing to do with me since I am everything but noncontroversial and safe. But maybe I'm going along with that style because like my clothes, I've been trying to fade out my opinions and the way that i behave and the way that i talk and the way that i voice my opinions, too. So that makes me think about - what if everything else I've been taught in my life is just like what I've been taught about what I should wear? safe and sound, when what i really am is bold and passionate. And if you're wondering why I'm so worried about clothes, well, it's not that I'm materialistic it's just that I never knew who I was, really - many people around me, many opinions, many friends groups but still for some reason no place where I belong - and that's where the shame with my self expression stemmed from (chiron in 1h in rx if u could not guess). I ALWAYS HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA REGARDING WHO I WAS THEREFORE I DID NOT KNOW WHAT I LIKED THEREFORE I WAS ALWAYS STICKING TO SAFE CHOICES THAT WOULD FIT WITH ALL BUT EXPRESS NONE. AND IT MAY NOT BE LIKE THAT FOR EVERYONE, BUT FOR ME FASHION IS A STATEMENT AND ITS A TOOL FOR SELF EXPRESSION AND I USED TO SUPPRESS THE EXPRESSIVE PARTS OF ME FOR MANY MANY YEARS. And the weird thing is that now that I've been spending a loooot of time on my own, I think I'm finding the things that are me - not my family, not my friends, not my experiences, but just plainly me. I've been building my world in my head for the past year in solitude and in piece, so now I'm upholding a lot strongly an idea of who I (think I) am. Eh, anyways. As I said it's 2023 but this year's coming to an end in just 10 days. Here are my 2024 wishes (stole first three from we're not really strangers mail from today lol) - feel less awkward meeting people, have figured out what I'm doing with my life, be in a relationship that's actually going somewhere (but like defeating the need of sabotaging anything that might be good first pls), feeling secure in myself and catching the hollow voices in my head that really are just echoes of my past, and last but not least get few steps closer to self realization - a single thing that actually matters in this weird world.

[dokpetra]

Ive def been in a slump lately and its hard to admit that :(

I had a mental breakdown following my birthday, I've had to move apartments, and I've had some intense family stuff going on. Helps to externalize it.

It's weirding me out to confront all the stuff I had my identity tied up in, that isn't carved in stone. Like I am not my bedroom. I am not my job, I am not my biofamily. Idk. Identity is seedy territory for me in a pretty lifelong way, in this age of identity I think it's come front and center for me that my self concept is like a piece of swiss cheese. I attach parts of myself to people places and things around me, and when those things change, so do I, and changing hurts sometimes.

But a lot of that has been in flux for me, for a minute I was unable to work and worried I might not be able to come back to it, I hadn't ever lost my mind as bad as I did a couple months ago, it was really frightening to be newly limited in my daily functioning due to my mental state.

Coming back to a new normal now, and idk, everything in my life is in relief, I'm looking all around me and feeling the ever faster passage of time, looking at how much energy I have in a day, and just going "how am I going to build the life I want?" And feeling like the numbers just don't add up.

But I'm not giving up on myself. I don't do well with change, I gotta be gentle with myself through that. And I can get to a place where I have more energy, and I know steps I can take to get there. And I can accept also that I have lifelong depression etc etc, and to some extent this may put a cap on my energy level.

Part of it is, before everything went topsy turvy, I was making a really concentrated effort to work on composing music daily, releasing stuff for the first time too. As far as things that I take on as part of my identity, this is an important one, and I haven't been giving the time I need to it. For sensible reason, moving sucks, especially in your 30s it turns out, and starting job again and being there for my family. And as was saying earlier, I want to make sure I don't push myself too hard, have tendency to do that. Still, it's feeling like, urgent to get my studio station set up and get right back to it. I don't expect anything from the music I release, I just need to do it, it's who I am and when I'm not doing it I'm not being myself.

Guess part of this puzzle for me is reckoning with how I am both bigger and smaller than I used to see myself as. Like, the combo of ego problems and low self esteem is so ironic. And the process of breaking down your ego while building your self esteem, it feels so wonky. But yeah, I matter. I only matter as much as the next person, but me and the next person both matter. And someone who feels like they matter is more likely to treat others like they matter. So it's important work.

Couple months ago I spent the better part of a week in my bed, not able to eat or sleep, on an internal manic fugue, lost myself on a fundamental level. To be back from that, I wish I felt more triumphant, but I'm just tired and sad about it. I can't glorify that suffering. It happened and I came out the other side a different iteration of this person. I saw how traumatized I actually am and idk, I'm more determined than ever to come up to bat for that person. My self.

So I may have felt like my ideal life was in closer reach prior to all this upset, but I don't think that's true. I believe that I believed it, but it wasn't accurate.

And what good is my dream room when it's packed with plenty of heavy memories and too expensive for me? Could it be better to be in a smaller, brighter room I can actually afford? I'm still resistant but I know it's true.

Healing can be humbling and the humbling factor can feel unfair when you're already down on yourself but... Idk! If my spirit made it through the trials of that week in bed hell, it can get through these transitions.

It's okay to be in limbo because limbo can lead you somewhere new.

So I feel kinda crappy at this juncture, and also, I believe in myself going forward, I know I can make my life into what i dream.

[gjenevarants]

Insomnia/Tears

2/26/24

Insomnia has been a bitch for the past few weeks. It's been at its worst this past week though. The least I've slept is probably four hours. The most I've slept is probably seven, but with that, I'm not falling asleep until four or five in the morning, meaning I'm waking up sometime between ten and eleven right before lunch. And that means I'm only eating twice a day.

Mostly I've been keeping myself distracted by reading when sleep escapes me, but I'm almost out of books. I think I have maybe two left now? Other times I've been writing, but as that is something I do during the day to pass the time, it doesn't do as much for me.

Tonight or today I guess it's three in the morning as I write this, I got in my head again. Mostly anger and loneliness rearing their heads. Maybe a bit of despair as well. I'm honestly tempted to take my meds again. They were only for anxiety and they didn't work all that well when it came to that, but at least while I was taking them I wasn't crying every other night.

Truthfully I'm writing this to try and keep myself distracted from the endless cycle of internalized self deprivation. At least with this, I can occupy myself with trying to keep track of typing and hitting the wright keys in the dark.

I have a to do list that I made in January. I started on it then when I came back from dad's and I haven't touched it since. I don't even know what's on it anymore. So I need to take care of all of that. I know doing my laundry is on there. I also need to talk to my parents and schedule my wisdom teeth removal. I should have had them taken care of years ago. Its at the point now where if their in for maybe... four more months I might have serious damage. I'm starting to feel weird jaw shit now too, so it definitely needs to happen as soon as possible, probably next month.

Another thing that needs to happen is my acquisition of a job. I don't know when my taxes are due for my car but I now it's some time within the next two-three months. I'm starting to stress about it. I need to set up an eBay account so I can sell some of my old action figures. Some of them are actually worth money even out of the box. I also need to finish up my mushroom hat project so that I can finish my earring project. I never should have started the mushroom hat without finishing the earrings but I got excited. The mushroom hat is a personal thing, but at least with the earrings I can make money.

I want to look into trying to get a savings account that my mom can't see. Both her and my dad have access to my bank account because they have passed money to each other through it before. I really want to remove mom's access but I have no idea how. She looks at it some times and asks me questions about it all nosy and judgmental like: "Did you get Starbucks again?" No. That shouldn't even be listed I literally bought that with a gift card. I think I'm scared she's going to seal from me? I've said it before but she is shit at managing money. I'm worried that once I get a job, she'll start skimming from my funds.

I already owe her money for the college classes I dropped out of. Who knows how much I'll have to contribute to rent. To taxes. I've been measuring my money in how much a week worth of personal groceries costs me. I've been forgetting about personal necessities because of that. Really, all of this scares me. At this rate everything scares me. So much for stopping tears. I'm crying again. I just woke up the cat from blowing my nose.

Speaking of the cat, I definitely have PTSD after Sabi. At the end of his life he had a mass in his gut as well as/caused by organ/intestine deterioration. His stomach would gurgle almost constantly. Hearing that with him was comforting because I knew it meant he was still alive. Nibi's stomach has been making gurgling noises too now. I think it only happens after she uses the litter box or eats. It freaks me the fuck out though because every time I hear it, I think there's something wrong and that she's going to end up in the same spot Sabi was in. My mom's cat is a whole other thing/mess. Ari's at the point where I think it's kinder to let her go, but mom doesn't listen. When she does it goes back to money.

Why does everything circle back to money? What dumbass came up with the brilliant idea of everything revolving around money. Who the fuck needs to revolve around the sun? We can use paper bills and tiny little coins that some random people somewhere will collect.

Nibi just came back from wherever she went. I'm going to keep an ear out for her tummy and hope for the best. Maybe I'll be able to get four to seven shitty hours of sleep now.

[cepheusgalaxy]

I... something's weird

My mom started using the pronouns I asked her to a while ago... and it doesn't feel right? Like, probably it is because I'm not that used to it so I need a period of adaptation... but what if it's not? Like, my disphoria did't come that much from pronouns but I still don't wanna use she/her... or do I? Do I really wanna use he/him or I'm just going along with the "boy = he/him" logic??? I've tried they/them some times too... but it felt so bad. But thinking of it now, it may be becaude I always heard it with sarcasm? As a joke. As an insult. I also love my mom, and I know she's trying to help... but she keeps reminding me that its hard to keep up when I change pronouns and it makes me feel guilty... I've kept he/him for now because I thought that's what I wanted? But I'm not sure anymore. And regarding my name... I know I've chosen Heron but is it really the right one? Like... I didn't mind it much but lately i've been feeling so annoyed at it... It's a fine name and I liked it even but not anymore. I guess that's normal? I kind of hate it when certain people use it. And i like these people, a lot. But then theres my dad... He calls me by this name with such affection and I don't feel uncorfotable at all. Every time he calls me I think of that. Should I really change my name at all? I don't wanna hear that hesitation my mom has when she calls me a he. I still like it when my dad calls me by my birthname. Should I change names and have just him call me by that? Should I give up on Heron? Maybe I shouldn't even be worrying about that. I only figured that I was trans a few months ago... it hasn't even been a year. People take a lot of time to figure out that. But I don't wanna wait.

I know I'm trans, but am I in the way I thought I was? I usually have a first thought regarding a thing but then I dismiss it. And all the time I end up coming to that same first conclusion. When I first started questioning I went with lots of "complex" nonbinary genders, what if I was right? Maybe I'm more genderfucked than I first thought.

But I guess I'm afraid too. I'm afraid of labelling myself and exploring because people won't get it. And I know I shouldn't be tinking about anyone but ME when it comes to that but I can't... I'm not exactly out in school. Some of my friends know I have something going on and i "look" kinda queer but I just left things with a "yea im a little bit gay maybe" and I can't help but think that if I label myself with a weird gender nobody will get it and ill just feel even more misunderstood.

I know I'm masc. But how much?

Where does my disphoria comes from? Where does my euphoria comes from? I wish I had the answers and why is it so hard to choose a name

Perhaps I should go with something longer. I also kinda like "international" names. Maybe something with 'a'? To match my birthname. I still like it. Even tho I hate it.

Avalon? Idk what kind of name is this but it sounds great. Amy? Amelie? Is it fine by me if I go by a gendered name? Why is it so hard?

I wish I knew more people like me. Personally. I just feel so lonely. I like to be alone a lot of the time but sometimes I just feel like im never with anyone that gets it. Sometimes I feel like im kind of a bad friend because--along other reasons (im terrible at comforting people or helping when theyre upset...)--sometimes i don't really wanna hang out with them because we barely share any interests. I have this one friend i love to hang out wit because we share the same passions and can do nothing or anythimg together but with my other friends-i like them sm but we don't really connect. They keep saying im gifted or somethinf cuz i can draw, they never shut up about how im oh-so great with art and i do a doodle and theyre like "OH wow what a masterpiece" and im doing an illustration for the sake of it, to feel good for making art, to make my world a little prettier with the colors i chose, decorating my homework or whatever and they all "woah you didn't have to humiliate us" every time! Its annoying! I hate it! We don't share anything, they like doing things that are not completely my thing-i mostly do them for the sake of hanging out with them because i always have such a great time-they have lifes completely different from mine and available at different times. Do you know that "you didn't really have a childhood if you didn't do x or y" meme? I HATE it. Cuz i didn't do x or y. It makes me feel so dismissed. So different. And most of my friends DID do x and y so i don't share that with them. I'm just so tired of being different all the time. I wish I was surrounded by more people like me. Maybe this will sound really gen z but idk what i'd do without social media. I'd prob feel even worse.

And my friends have struggles so different from mine. They don't have nice homes. They had such a troubled childhood. They had different joys too. They had sleepovers, childhood friends they grew up close to and still are close friends to this day and are so comfortable around each other and always went to the same school. I didn't really have this kind of friend because my mom didn't know in what school to put me at the time so i never stayed in one school for more than one year. My most was 2. And they're all cishet. They're all allo-i mean, exept from one. And i am so afraid for her. She goes around using she/her, once she told she'd like to go by he/him, we talked about gender sometimes and we saw that she liked the bigender label but her family is super religious and her therapist is also from her church and does "spiritual healing as well as mental" and she said she was over being bi because christians shouldn' be bi and--anyways i... and i don't know how to help my friends and they have so many problems and they don't know how to help me and i don't really talk about my problems with them and i don't know if i trust then enough to... share it all and i just wish i had more queer friends and people who understood me because i always feel so unseen ;( and lonely. And miserable.

And my mom-i just, and my dad, they are divorced but they keep bringing each other up and long story short theyre driving ne crazy they don't like each other but they can never get along and they keep dragging me and my siblings to their long ENDLESS conversations about the other one and im SO DONE I JUST WISH THEY COULD IGNORE EACH OTHER AND COLABORATE

And were traveling-my siblings me and my mom and everytime we do she always plans out everything but she doesnt really gives us freedom to have free chill time when we're there because everything is just so tightly scheduled planned and thats something really minor but i really need free chill MY tine EVERY DAY to recharge, even if it is from fun, to write, draw, read, do whatever i want-and me and my mom have ideas of fun so different and UGH

And she keeps calling me he and she is technically being supportive and avoiding misgendering me but WHY DO I FEEL SO UNCONFORTABLE?? And i shouldn't be mad at her because she is technically doing the right thing but :( i need to figure things out for myelf, find a support group because I REALLY need to surround with my kind and then tell her how it turns out for me.

I just-it's so hard being fourteen, when will this stop?

[nothorses]

Perhaps you are the wrong person to ask but irespect your opinion as a fellow trans masc. I struggle a lot with my feelings about women, womanhood and feminism, i feel very afraid and resentful when I relate to women. I dont let it get in my way and i dont voice it, and I avoid places where it will be very woman based, but I dont like feeling like this. I think its because relating to women feels wrong as a man/enby/not a woman because transphobes shame us for any similarities to women, but i also hate it when people deny any similarity of experience or insist we're a danger to women inherently. I worry this kind of shame and fear will make misogynistic and well, it would be directed at myself as well because of dysphoria and the connection I feel to women bc of its where I came from. I dont think it will but if you've dealt with this how do you handle it? I hope this doesnt seem like im asking for therapy, I'm considering going to a gender therapist about it anyway, i would just really appreciate more transmasc perspectives bc ik its unlikely ill have a transmasc therapist.

You're definitely not alone there! I think most transmascs go through this.

What's helped me, personally, is to reframe my understanding of manhood a little bit.

Cis men generally don't relate to womanhood the way we do, sure; but they're also not the only men that exist, and their version of manhood is not the only version that's valid and real. If we are to believe that trans men are just as much men as cis men are, that means that our version of manhood is just as much real as theirs is.

Which means that if our version of manhood includes (or can include) relating to womanhood, having experienced misogyny as the intended target- and usually internalizing it, having experienced womanhood often in the same way, or a very similar way, to how cis women do, etc... that's still a valid version of manhood. And it makes us no less men than anything else.

It's also important to remember that these experiences aren't always that binary; there are cis men who will relate to womanhood more than some trans men do, and not all trans men will relate to these experiences at all. The point here is that gender, and even gender-based experiences, aren't as binary and separate as they're made out to be; men often experience or relate to things women do, and that's fine, and normal, and doesn't pose any kind of challenge to our manhood.

I've found that reframing also helps with the fear of becoming misogynistic: I know that I can relate to women, and talk about my experiences with womanhood, and that it makes me no less a man than I would be otherwise. I know that when I do feel weird and uncomfortable with proximity to womanhood, it's because of dysphoria, not any kind of hatred of women. And I know that manhood is not inherently misogynistic, and being a man will not turn me into a misogynist by default.

It's normal to still have worries about this stuff, and maybe those reassurances won't help you as much as they've helped me to internalize; but sometimes having the logic to talk yourself through can help a little bit.

[sodomitecastiel]

Do you have any recommended spn fics? To be restored is consuming all of my non fenario brainspace

This is in no way an exhaustive list - @jewishcharliebradbury is the one to go for that - but these are some favorites of mine, please always heed their tags just in case!

Putting it under a readmore because I'm a wordy bastard:

Sky Verse by starandrea: Angelic civil war! The crispest, most in-character dialogue! Vast, sprawling worldbuilding! Dean and Cas get together and are very bad at it for a long time! This series obsesses me the way other people are obsessed with dta (which I have not read for fear of commitment but fully intend to eventually).

To Be Restored by serenetyfails: You mentioned this one already but it's worth repeating - it's my favorite trans spn fic that I didn't write myself. Cas's transmasc identity is handled so carefully and so competently, Dean flips out in a way that's both in character and still kind to him, and Sam and Rowena are wonderfully fleshed out. I think many people would look at the premise and worry it's either misogynistic or fetishy, but it's neither, it's such a love letter to Cas's well-earned masculinity. Also, I'm obsessed with Rowena knowing and being buddies with a lot of trans women witches :)

Talk Therapy by shara: This is one of my favorite 'Dean is bad at asking for things' fics, it deals with his inability to want things past what he can give to others really well. I also appreciate that not everything in their relationship is fixed just because they're together, although the amount they love each other is always obvious.

Epilogue by JayneL: A weird little time travel story that is NOT a fixit for endverse, but is exceptionally kind to endverse Cas anyway. It aches very badly. I remember it being pretty trippy but also having to sit and look at the ceiling a while after reading it.

The Love Story of the Runner Up by Margo_Kim: Cas dates a normal human man with a good soul for a little while before he gets with Dean. Both of them know it isn't for forever, but they look after each other anyway. Told through the lens of story-swapping between gay friends and written with so much care & love. (You can thank @okologie for finding this one and making me read it despite my reservations.)

where the weeds take root by deathbanjo: Everyone recommends this fic but it's for a reason. Probably the best post-retirement fic there is, and definitely helped me form the neural connections to write Fenario, haha, I can't recommend this one enough. The complicated Dean and Sam issues are held with just as much weight as the Dean and Cas ones, although both are handled gently.

you and me in the war of the end times by stickthelanding (@tallahasseemp3): Alma knocked it out of the park with this one. THEE shotgunning fic. I've reread it more times than I can count, it has the loveliest atmosphere. I want to gnaw on this prose, said with love!

A Drinking Song by Balder12: Endverse snapshot. This one is mostly just bone hurting juice but it's one of my favorite characterizations of them - sometimes I find that endverse stories either make Cas way too soft or fucked up in a way I find goes too far in a direction I don't agree with, this one feels pitch perfect.

Everyone Is Trying to Get to the Bar by Balder12: All time fave angel true form fic!!! It's deliciously weird and fun, definitely a mind-melter. I only read it the once but sometimes I think about it and get a funny little shiver.

Tall Grass by aeli_kindara: This is another 'universal favorite', but also for good reason. Extraordinarily tender, it's my personal favorite Cas-grows-a-garden post canon story, especially because it manages to write a jealousy plotline that doesn't make me want to bite and kill. Dean's voice is exactly right and everything unfurls with this tender inevitability, idk how else to describe it! It also ends on a final image that's so lovely it's seared into my brain.

Dean (and Cas') Top 13 Zepp Traxx by pantheon_of_discord: Nobody does vignettes like supernatural writers. I love the way the road feels in this one, and how carefully picked each moment is. A string of pearls, this fic.

There's Only One Sure Thing That I Know by blinkiesays: Dean and Cas get trapped in the midwest by a curse that doesn't let them leave the state, and they want to break it until they don't. Being trapped gives them an excuse to want to settle down, but the route they take to get there is, of course, circuitous. This one hurts a little because it takes place while Sam is dead, but it isn't gratuitous in its sadness. Sweet and melancholy.

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo: FAVE FAVE FAVE FAVE. I push this one at everyone I can. I'm extremely picky about 'Dean's self loathing' fics, mainly because I think it can veer easily into melodrama, but this author weaves Dean's self hatred and his anger together very seamlessly, in a way that feels real to the show. Also, Cas is perfect.

sweeter coming from my hand by perilously: A story that I liked before Nov5 and withstood the test of time!! Dean and Cas get married/soul-bound in order to both remove the Mark of Cain and fix Cas's grace. Features a formative scene for me where Cas expresses worries about if he has a soul and Dean raps knuckles on his chest, going, "knock knock, sounds like a soul in there." If you like this one, perilously has many good fics that are just as in character.

On Labor by a_good_soldier: I very nearly couldn't finish this one, but not because it's bad, haha. The premise just makes me want to tear my clothes in mourning - Dean knows Cas is in love with him, after getting him back from the Empty, and decides that he should give him what he wants without realizing that he wants it too. Dean performatively dating Cas while trying to talk himself into liking it (not knowing that he does actually like it) is exactly the kind of convoluted bullshit Dean's internalized homophobia would do to him. Nauseating and spectacular. Sticks in your brain for weeks.

canticles by 2street2car: An excellent 'weird girl best friends' fic. After striking out at the brothel, Dean decides to treat Cas to the "first date experience" himself, since the guy might die the next day. To sum it up succinctly: the rituals are intricate. And dirty dancing is referenced!

we shovel all the ashes out by xylodemon: As the author states themself, this fic is a love letter to California - it's a road trip casefic that's so rooted in place, the setting is rich and lush and the atmosphere makes me ache, and not just because it's set in my home state! I saved this one for last because this is another prolific author who has many stories I come back to again and again (Sweet Home and Love: A Retrospective are particularly good), they really don't miss. Usually when I read fic, it's a mad dash to the finish, but I took my time with this one. I highly encourage you to do the same :)

[aroaceconfessions]

i’m still very new to the whole “being aspec” thing (i’ve kinda known i was gray-ace (tbh may change that label soon) for all of my teen years but it’s only now like fully connecting for me) but i think it’s so strange and kinda scary how quiet and subtle a lot of my internalized aphobia is. like i’m not surprised that it’s there but it shocks me with its stealthiness. when i was little my parents actually were so okay with me masturbating (not in a weird way they were just pro sex-ed) that at age 10 i thought i HAD to because they never explained to me that it’s a choice. i spent like a year or two thinking i was “doing it wrong” because i felt nothing but now it’s obvious to me that i’ve just never had an interest in that stuff. i didn’t id as ace for years despite knowing that i’d never once felt sexual attraction because “what if i’m just a late bloomer.” sometimes i get bored and think “people normally watch porn when they’re bored right?” so i try thinking maybe this time something will happen but it’s just as boring if not concerning so i just leave the site feeling kinda gross. i’ve never actively thought “something must be wrong with me” but it’s like an overtone for all of my actions and thoughts surrounding sex. i have two sidenotes for this actually. 1- big fuck you to the guy in middle school who said he didn’t understand 13yos iding as ace bc “nobody has sex at that age” that set back my realization some time. and 2- i’m actually very grateful for my friends being so open talking about sex because hearing their stories about horniness helped me realize “oh shit i don’t do any of that.” for a long time i thought people exaggerated horniness for a joke but they’d be like “i got a new bullet it’s so awesome” and i was just sitting there thinking “that seems like a lot of effort for something so unimportant oh shit wait it actually matters to them.” i should also say i’m incredibly happy about how well my friends treat me knowing i’m aspec and having other aspec friends is a big relief too. keeps me from feeling like my lack of attraction is some kinda defect

no clue where this ask was going i just have. thoughts. i’m also a little worried that i might be arospec and i’m in denial because i’m such an incredibly hopeless romantic but. i’m not gonna worry too hard about that thought bc i’m guessing i’ll figure it out eventually. also i’m just not ready to unpack it rn lmao. too busy undoing the acephobia in my brain atm. and also figuring out what my full opinion is on sex in general

[aliwritesfic]

The Night Shift (pt 6) (Frankie Morales x F!Reader)

Summary: Frankie has taken the job as the overnight cook at Lou’s Diner, where you work as the overnight waitress. Attraction slowly grows between you, despite both your best efforts.

Part 5 Part 7

Frankie woke almost eighteen hours later, feeling like he had spent the night drinking. The pills, when he rarely took them, often made him feel like this, like he was on the brink of either being violently sick or dead. 

He sat up slowly, head pounding and throat dry. He was glad he had every second Friday night off - the thought of going into the diner feeling like this made him shudder. He dragged himself to the kitchen and downed so much water his stomach became an ocean.

It took a half-hour shower to wake up completely, the hot water slowly working its way into his muscles. It took him even longer to get dressed after, preferring to simply sit on the edge of his bed in his towel.

He held his phone in his hand, scrolling through the missed calls and texts. A few from Benny and Will, a couple of missed calls from Santi, who he knew would be on his doorstep soon if he didn’t call back, and one from June. He lingered on the message screen, reading the message four times before typing out a response.

Sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier, I feel like I’ve been asleep for 100 years. But I’ll still be there on Sunday.

He wasted no time calling Santi back, knowing the longer he left it the more worried his brother would be.

“Asshole! Why haven’t you been picking up?”

Frankie cringed. “I’ve been sleeping.”

“For a day? Are you fucking serious?”

“I was tired.” Frankie wasn’t lying - his attacks left him exhausted. Physically and emotionally. 

Santiago must have heard something in Frankie’s voice; defeat or maybe dejection. “You okay, Fish?”

“I-” Did he really want to answer that? He knew if he told Santiago about the night terrors, the phantom pains, it would open a whole can of worms that Frankie would like to keep a lid on for now. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

Santi hummed, and Frankie could picture him. Probably pulled over on the side of the road, truck still running, internally debating whether to press further. “Alright,” he eventually said, “let me know if that changes?”

“I will,” Frankie said, then eager for a change in subject, “what did you call for earlier?”

“Right! Redfly is gonna be in town next weekend, we’re all going golfing.”

“Golfing?” Frankie couldn’t think of a worse way to spend a day.

Santi made a small noise on the other end. “It’s not that bad. I promise we can drink.”

“Whatever. You’re going to turn me into an alcoholic.”

Santi laughed and hung up, telling Frankie that he’d see him on the weekend and that he may also have an overnight security job coming up. Big money, little work. It was the kind of thing that meant he wouldn’t have to check his bank account when buying something for the next half year. His savings account was starting to look a little thin again - not enough to spark panic but enough that he knew if he didn’t do something it would, sooner rather than later.

He settled down on the couch, a bowl of cereal resting precariously on his stomach and began to channel surf, eventually landing on some weird fish show. He didn’t realise Benny had broken in until he was sitting next to him. Benny gave Frankie a small nod, an I’m here if you need to talk, type of nod. The first time this had happened, Frankie had almost had a heart attack. Now, he was used to it.

They sat in silence for almost an hour, Benny snacking on a bag of sour cream and onion chips from the pantry. 

“You ever have trouble sleeping?” Frankie asked after a while. Benny shrugged.

“Sometimes. I’ll have a few months without issue then it’ll be a week straight of not sleeping no matter how tired I am.” Benny crumpled the now empty bag. It was strange; Benny seemed like the most immature of the group, but somehow the easiest to talk to about this kind of shit. Maybe it was because out of all the boys, Benny was the only one who admitted he wasn’t fucking okay on more than one occasion. 

“You feeling like that, Fish?”

“Kind of,” Frankie admitted. “I uh- I don’t know. Last night I just . . .”

Benny nodded in understanding. They lapsed into silence again, Benny happy to wait until Frankie was comfortable and happy to say nothing if Frankie decided to say nothing more on the matter.

It wasn’t long though before Benny was snoring on the couch and Frankie was left alone with his thoughts again. Though Frankie usually preferred the solitude of his own company, it was nice having Benny there. Sometimes being alone with someone, even if that someone was currently snoring louder than a jackhammer, was better than being truly alone.

~

You frowned at your reflection, trying to decide if the lipstick was too much. It was only a few shades darker than your natural lip shade, barely noticeable if no one looked too hard . . . you sucked in a breath and applied it. It wasn’t a crime to want to look nice, right?

Right?

You stepped out of the bedroom, grabbing your jacket off the couch where it lay next to Ethan.

“Why are you wearing lipstick?”

Of course, it wouldn’t go unnoticed by him.

“I just wanted to look nice,” you shrugged and grabbed your apartment keys.

“You always look nice, I don’t know what you need to wear makeup for,” he grumbled.

“Manny always looks good, I just wanted to try to step up to his level.” It wasn’t a whole lie, but it also wasn’t the whole truth. 

“That’s kind of stupid but whatever makes you happy,” he turned back to the tv. You left it alone, glad to avoid an argument before you left. You still had yet to tell him about Frankie; even though logically, truthfully, there was nothing to tell. But you knew Ethan, and you knew how he would react if he found out that not only were you spending time outside of work with a guy Ethan didn’t even really know existed.

Did this constitute cheating, you wondered as you locked the apartment door behind you, does this mean you’re a shitty person? You were sure at least that it made you a liar and a hypocrite. But even with those thoughts in your head, even knowing that this kind of thing was crossing boundaries that Ethan would not be okay with, you couldn’t bring yourself to stop.

Part of you felt like you should turn around, fake an illness, apologise to the only person in the world left who could love you, and start looking for a new job. Maybe one in a bakery.

A bigger part of you felt like you had passed the point of no return the moment you had decided that you wanted to be friends with someone you shouldn’t. This didn’t make you a bad person, you rationalised, it simply made you human. 

You fiddled with your necklace as you walked to the cafe, breathing slowly and bringing yourself down from the edge of a meltdown. Dark clouds covered the sky, thunder rumbling in the distance.

“Tell me I’m not a bad person,” was how you greeted Manny, sliding into the booth next to him. Manny looked up from his phone with a raised brow.

“What’s brought this on?” 

“I’ve got a lot of feelings rattling in my head.”

“Don’t we all, babe. Seriously though, you’re a good person, why would you think you’re not?”

You glanced around the cafe, making sure Frankie wasn’t there yet, and leaned in close to Manny. “I wasn’t completely honest with Ethan.” Manny gave you a look that allowed you to go on. “I told him it was just you and me today - you know what he’s like. If he knew someone else he didn’t know was coming he’d blow his top.”

“You know how to deal with this?”

“Don’t say to break-”

“Break up with him.”

You scoffed, “that’s easy for you to say.”

“What’s easy for him to say?”

Frankie sat down opposite you, pulling his rain spotted jacked off and draping it over the empty chair beside him.

“Something stupid,” you said. “How’re you feeling?”

Frankie shrugged. “Tired,” he admitted. 

“Well you look fantastic,” Manny said. He was right - you couldn’t escape noticing how he still looked good with dark circles under his slightly bloodshot eyes. The corners of his mouth lifted slightly at Manny’s comment, eyes crinkling.

The waitress set down a platter of “wild style” fries (which were just regular fries covered in cheese and bacon) and you pulled your phone out, setting your gaze on Frankie. “Do you have a friend named Benny?”

Frankie almost choked on his drink, turning red in the face. “Y-yes, why? What’s he done?”

You snorted and handed your phone across, open to the text log between you and Benny that had occurred on Saturday night. “He wants me to make you cookies.”

“I’m so sorry,” Frankie muttered, scrolling through the messages. It had started at around three in the moring, your phone buzzing with a text from an unknown number.

U work with fish?

You had stared at the message for several minutes, trying to decipher what the fuck it meant, and more importantly, trying to decide if you should reply at all. Eventually you did, because it was three am and you were bored.

I work more with poultry and red meat.

And then

Who is this? How did you get my number?

It took another minute for the reply to come through, the entire time your hands had been clammy with anticipation. 

Soz shouldve led with that. im benny frankie’s best friend, i call him fish……he doesnt have a passcode on his fone lol

You calmed down a little after that. Surely someone Frankie was friends with wasn’t a crazy psycho murderer. You glanced behind you, the bedroom door was open and Ethan’s sleeping form was barely visible in the darkness.

Prove it

A few moments later, a picture filled your screen. It was of a familiar-looking dark blonde man with an impish grin on his face, and Frankie in the back, his eyes closed and mouth open. Clearly asleep, or dead if you were feeling pessimistic. 

You weren’t feeling pessimistic though, and the picture almost made you laugh out loud. A second message came through.

Hes to shy to ask but he wants more cookies or maybe some mufins but with lots of choc

“So,” you said to Frankie after he handed your phone back, “cookies or muffins?”

“He’s a nuisance, I’m so, so sorry.” Frankie scrubbed a hand over his still red face. You gave your phone to Manny, who began to laugh as he read through. 

“I don’t mind,” you said. Benny was now saved in your phone as Frankie’s friend. “Is he asking for you or himself?”

“Himself,” Frankie confirmed your suspicions. “I’ll have a talk with him about boundaries.”

“Is he allergic to anything?”

Frankie looked taken aback. “You’re going to actually make something for him?”

You nodded. “Why not? It’s nice when someone likes my baking enough to come back for more.”

“I’d come back for more but I’m ceoliac,” Manny said defensively. You patted him affectionately on the hand, taking a long drink of your mimosa. Already the alcohol was making your head feel a little fuzzy. You drank some more, half listening to Manny as he gossiped about some of the teachers from the school he taught at. It was your favourite kind of gossip - the kind that didn’t directly involve you. 

You were happy that Manny was the kind of person to take charge in a conversation, happy that he was the kind of person that would fill the silence.

You glanced over at Frankie to find him already looking at you. You met his eyes and found yourself unable to be the one to break the contact. Everything else faded away, until it was just you and him. Your throat felt dry, your stomach backflipped. If this was wrong, you didn’t wanna be right. You never wanted to look away.

This is bad. This is really bad.

tagging: @maievdenoir@luvmeijii@phandoz@you-got-me-starry-eyed@sunnshineeexoxo