#having to base the conversation of my oppression around other people to make them feel more comfortable is a blight on leftist movements

[xmimikyuusx]

"Transandrophobia isn't real because that implies trans women oppress trans men" it doesn't, but do you think this way because you think transmisogyny means trans men oppress trans women?

"Transandrophobia is reactionary to transmisogyny and is just a way to make trans men feel special and more important" it isn't, but do you think that way because you think Transmisogyny is more "special and important" than other forms of oppression?

"Androphobia and misandry aren't real, so transandrophobia can't be" because you're basing your viewpoint on transmisogyny, and misogyny is the ultimate victimhood for you, right? Because we can't have a conversation separate from transmisogyny, because transmisogyny is the worst form of victimization, and everything stems from misogyny, especially transmisogyny. If you're not talking about misogyny, you might as well shut up.

And we can't have issues that aren't shared with cis people, because otherwise we aren't "really" men and women. Because white cishet people are the ones we should be looking to when we "prove" our identity through our suffering, right?

To be a woman, you have to suffer. To be a man, you can never suffer. You can never just be. You have guilt and shame and violence and self sacrifice to be doing if you dare to transition into power.

Because if you, a trans man, don't have male privilege, that must mean that trans women do, because we all live in opposite to eachother, even though the framework of male privilege is something made by and for cis people. If trans women are suffering, that must mean that you aren't.

You can't talk about your own life or struggles or else you're indirectly talking about trans women, and cis men, and cis women, and everyone else except you.

(And fuck non-binary and intersex people and whatever they have going on with their identities that shits just not important to our oppositional viewpoint, right? We can make them fit in this box based off of their genitals, anyway. Dont bring racism into this either, you're just being misogynistic if you do.)

[golvio]

Finally got around to seeing all of Apotheosis’ new endings, and I’m still sitting with it days later.

OG Apotheosis was among the bottom of my Princess ranking list since I guess I’m not into the whole Domination bit as some other prople, though I figured there was more to her based on what was already there. However, I wasn’t ready to have my suspicions confirmed in such a viscerally upsetting way in the Paranoid version of the “make her feel what you felt” ending. Like…as initially satisfying as finally forcing her to stop hurting you felt, it stopped feeling like a victory when you actually saw what you’d done to her. You stop feeling like a helpless victim when you understand just how hollow she’d felt inside despite her boasts and your perception of her as untouchable and unstoppable helped reinforce this armor she’d built around herself.

She may have cruelly lorded over you to compensate for her own feelings of helplessness back when she was at your mercy, but you were the one who gave up and ceded all control to her in the first place. Your relationship is a conversation, not a one-sided Pygmalian molding of an empty blank slate, and the two of you built that abusive relationship and unbalanced power dynamic together. On one hand, the prison of your own mind within the role you assigned yourself is far harder to escape than any physical jail and can operate even in her absence, to the point where acting against its oppressive rules seems so impossible that it feels like “madness.” On the other hand, no one is actually keeping you there but you.

This ending and Fury’s “pacifist” ending feel like funhouse mirror reflections of each other—each hurts the other to try to force them to understand the harm they’ve caused and get an apology, but by hurting each other they diminish each other, by hurting each other they hurt themselves. Becoming the warden of the jail where you’re also held prisoner can only give you the illusion of control and freedom, at best. Any “victory” in such a power struggle, no matter how initially triumphant, is ultimately a Pyrrhic one.

And then there’s the “Grace” ending. As much as she’d hurt you, in her last moments, instead of selfishly clutching you to herself tighter for comfort, she hurls you towards the exit, giving you a single chance for a mad, impossible dash towards freedom. She didn’t have to do that, and ultimately there was no point in doing that because the hole she opened sealed itself back up before you could reach it, but she still did it. Despite her embracing her role as unstoppable, untouchable goddess to flee from the memory of her original weak, vulnerable self, deep down she didn’t actually want to hurt you. She missed you and wanted to be with you again, but since all she knew was domination and subjugation, she only knew how to express that through trying to paternalistically control you. When the chips were down and she was being reassimilated into the Cosmic Spaghetti of Shifty’s incomplete form, she finally relinquished control and was able to express her true feelings selflessly.

That…gave me some very conflicting feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I love when finding out more about characters I initially disliked makes me feel all conflicted. It’s just…a lot. Woof.

There’s also this theme of being “trapped inside yourself,” in this case literally when it comes to two fragments of gods living out an allegory for their own imprisonment. It may be true that the Vessels are only incomplete pieces of The Shifting Mound who weren’t meant to function on their own, but Shifty herself is so vast and all-encompassing that each of her pieces is complex enough to be a functioning individual in her own right, which is especially true of the Chapter 3+ Princesses, who’ve developed so much from their experiences that they feel much more like “real,” multifaceted people. If you find Tower/Apotheosis first, then reach Shifty’s heart, the Princess you find there is the version of the Heart that feels most like she’s her own person separate from Shifty, and rejects Shifty’s idea of godhood. Her rejection of “labels” after her being constrained by Shifty’s parameters feels a lot more meaningful as a result.

On top of that…now you understand what it feels to be trapped inside of a “bigger, more Important” version of yourself. If The Long Quiet is you, then your godly meta-body is also the prison that’s keeping both the conscious, individual, mortal You trapped along with the Princess. It’s not like you can just get up and leave because you have no conscious control over this part of yourself. And when you do wake up, you risk losing yourself as you are now to integrate into that greater whole. Is that really worth it, or is there another way that doesn’t require giving up your individual existence? It’s like the flipside of The Empty Cup, too, in terms of foreshadowing the possible “Third Way” you can escape without embracing godhood and staying trapped within yourself, within the role you built up for yourself.

[genderkoolaid]

1. The Revolution Is a Relationship

[…] Something that worries me about social justice communities is that we tend to conceptualize “revolution” as a product, as a place and time that we expend all of our energy and anger to create – often without regard to the toll this takes on individuals and our relationships. [...] In our – often justified – anger and disappointment at the failure of ourselves and our communities to uphold the dream of revolution, we lash out. [...] What if revolution isn’t a product, some distant promised land, but the relationships that we have right now? What if revolution is, in addition to – not instead of – direct action and community organizing, the process of rupture and repair that happens when we fuck up and hold each other accountable and forgive?

2. The Oppressor Lives Within

[…] I’ve started to believe that I can’t engage in authentic activism, I can’t create positive change without recognizing and naming my own participation in the oppressive systems that I’m trying to undo. Coming from this position, I’m forced to have compassion for the people around me who I see also participating in oppression, even as I’m also angry at them. With compassion comes understanding, and with understanding comes belief in the possibility of change. When we become capable of holding that contradiction in our hearts – when we can be angry and compassionate at the same time, at ourselves as well as others – entirely new possibilities for healing and transformation emerge.

3. Accountability Starts in the Heart

[…] I often wonder how different things would look if it were more of a cultural norm to understand accountability as a practice that comes from within the individual, instead of a consequence that must be forced onto someone externally. What if we taught each other to honor the responsibility that comes with holding ourselves accountable, rather than seeing self-accountability as a shameful admission of guilt? What if we could have real conversations with each other about harm, in good faith? In a culture of indispensability, I cannot ignore someone when they tell me I have harmed them – they are precious to me, and I have to try to understand and respond accordingly. […]

4. Perpetrator/Survivor is a False Dichotomy

There is an intense moral dynamic in social justice culture that tends to separate people into binaries of “right” and “wrong.” […] “Perpetrators” are considered evil and unforgivable, while “survivors” are good and pure, yet denied agency to define themselves. Among the many problems of this dynamic is the fact that it obscures the complex reality that many people are both survivors and perpetrators of violence (though violence, of course, exists within a wide spectrum of behaviors). Within a culture of disposability – whether it be the criminal justice system of the state or community practices of exiling people – the perpetrator/survivor dichotomy is useful because it appears to make things easier. It helps us make decisions about who to punish and who to pity.

5. Punishment Isn’t Justice

[…] It isn’t inherently wrong to want someone who hurt you to feel the same pain – to want retribution, or even revenge. But as Schulman also writes, punishment is rarely, if ever, actually an instrument of justice – it is most often an expression of power over those with less. How often do we see the vastly wealthy or politically powerful punished for the enormous harms they do to marginalized communities? How often are marginalized individuals put in prison or killed for minor (or non-existent) offenses? As long as our conception of justice is based on the violent use of power, the powerful will remain unaccountable, while the powerless are scapegoated.

6. Nuance Isn’t an Excuse for Harm

[…] [I]ndispensability means that everyone – especially those have experienced harm – are precious and require justice. In other words, we cannot allow the fact that something is complicated or scary prevent us from trying to stop it. Trapped in the perpetrator/survivor dichotomy of understanding harm, it might seem like we have only two options: to ignore harm or to punish perpetrators. But in fact, there are often other strategies available. They involve taking anyone’s – everyone’s – expressions of pain seriously enough to ask hard questions and have tough conversations. They involve dedicating time and resources to ensuring that anyone who has been harmed has the support they need to heal.

7. Healing Is Both Rage and Forgiveness

If the revolution is a relationship, then the revolution must include room for both rage and forgiveness: We have to be able to tolerate the inevitability that we will be angry at one another, will commit harm against one another. When we are harmed, we must be allowed the space to rage. We need to be able to express the depth of our hurt, our hatred of those who hurt us and those who allowed it to happen – especially when those people are the ones we love. It is up to the community to hold and contain this rage – to hear and validate and give it space, while also preventing it from creating further harm. […]

8. Community Is the Answer

[…] Perhaps the reason we tend to recreate disposability culture and trauma responses over and over is because we are all, secretly, that frightened runaway kid, constantly searching for a home, but not really believing we can find one. Maybe we don’t create communities of true interdependence – of indispensability, of forever-family – because we are terrified of what will happen if we try. But I believe, have to believe, that true community is possible for me and for all of us. The truth is, we can’t keep going on the way we have been. We need each other, need to find each other, in order to survive. And I have faith that we can.

[wooahaeproductions]

You Drive Me Crazy (But It Feels Alright)

Lee Jihoon (Woozi) x Female Reader

Genre: angst, fluff, smut, fake dating au, 90s au, ex-best friends au, and heavily based off the movie You Drive Me Crazy

Word Count: 15.2k (IM SO SORRY🙃 )

Warnings: language, mentions of terminal illness and death, bullying, drinking, drunken bad ideas, mentions of medicine, cheating, breakups, general college debauchery, making fun of furs in the fashion industry (used only to go with the 90s vibes), lots of feelings and oppressing them, jokes and conversations about sex, making out and kissing, and mentions of vomiting.

Smut Warnings: a little dry humping, semi public sex in a backyard treehouse? and protected sex (honestly the smut in this is pretty vanilla)

Rating: 18+

A/N: After forever, I’m excited to present this fic to you. I have never written anything this long before so once again I am sorry. Thank you to @beomcoups and @mingsolo for hosting the Now That’s 90’s! collab, as a 90s kid myself it was my pleasure to participate. Please go check out all the other amazing writers who joined as well!

Special thanks to Indi @playmetheclassics and Sammie @slightlymore for beta reading this monster for me. You guys are the best and I love you 💕 ~Bee

Network tags: @kbookshelf

With one last glance at your appearance in the mirror, you grabbed your bookbag from the chair in the corner of your room. You headed down the long curved staircase before opening the front door of the sorority house. 

You were almost going to be late, and to make matters worse, you came face-to-face with your enemy at the end of the driveway. Which wasn’t that unusual since he walked this way too, despite living further away, but you tried your best to avoid him anyway.

“Ew, what are you doing here?” Jihoon asks, walking past you at the driveway and lifting his lip in disgust.

“I live at the sorority, remember, asshole?” you spat, hating the fact that you had to walk in the same direction to get to campus. You two had been this way for a long time now, and it had become a habit to be prickly toward him. 

It hadn’t always been like that, though. In fact, you guys used to be best friends, completely inseparable. At least until his mom got sick when you were in junior high, and he started hanging out with some different people and getting into trouble. You then got in with the popular kids, and you and Jihoon have become enemies ever since. 

You two walked stiffly beside each other as you reached the edge of campus, and Jihoon’s friends appeared. Seokmin put him in a small headlock, and Seungkwan gave you a small smile while Wonwoo just shook his head. You actually knew his three best friends as well. You all used to hang out way back when. You smiled meekly back before arms wrapped around your shoulders, and your boyfriend, Johnny, had found you as well. 

“Hey, babe,” Johnny said, smacking a kiss near your ear. You resisted the urge to cringe. He was in the popular crowd too, a football player. While he wasn’t that bad and was easy on the eyes, he was boring, only caring about football and whatever party was next to attend. You missed having someone with a level of intelligence, someone you could debate things with like you used to do with Jihoon. It didn’t matter, though. You were enemies now, and nothing would change that. 

You made it through your first few classes, and you were having lunch in the courtyard with Johnny along with what you considered the entire popular crew, including your best friend, Jennie. You sat at a long table, eating a sandwich while everyone talked about the next football game and a party at Mingyu’s that was happening later. 

Across the courtyard, you spotted Jihoon in your line of vision, his girlfriend pushing him against the concrete wall, practically sucking his face off. You swallowed a bite of your sandwich, trying not to gag. Just as you turned away from the sight, Seungkwan was walking past. Before you could stop him, Johnny pretended to accidentally put his foot out in front of him. Seungkwan tripped over it, dropping the food he was carrying all over the ground and falling forward. The entire table erupted in laughter as Johnny retracted his foot like it had never been there. “Having trouble walking, Kwannie?” Johnny’s best friend, Mark heckled.

Seungkwan looked at Mark and Johnny with loathing. You got up, giving Johnny and Mark a glare. “What? We were only having some fun,” Johnny said innocently. You threw what was left of your food in the trash and walked over to Seungkwan. You stuck your hand out, letting him grab it and helped him up from the ground. 

“Thanks, Y/N. You know you didn’t have to,” he said.

“I know, Seungkwan, but it’s not like I hate you too,” you said softly.

“See you around,” he said, a sad smile on his face before he walked out of the courtyard.

Later that evening, you were getting ready for Mingyu’s party with Jennie because both she and Johnny insisted you had to appear. “So, our sorority ball is coming up…do you think Johnny is going to ask you soon?” Jennie asked.

“Yeah, I’m sure he’s going to. I mean, who else would I go with?” you said, brushing off her question. You were helping plan the entire thing, and he knew it was important, so there wasn’t any reason why he wouldn’t be asking you. 

She nodded, but her face said she was skeptical. “What about you? Has anyone asked you yet?” You turned the question around on her.

“No, but I’m sure Mingyu or Taeyong will ask. It’s not like I don’t have options,” she bragged, and you struggled to hide your contempt. While you were part of the popular crowd, Jennie had always been the most popular. Others were more drawn to her than you.

You escaped the rest of the conversation with Jennie when it was interrupted by a honking sound, indicating Johnny was there to pick the two of you up to go to the party. You both walked outside and as you approached his truck, you heard music blasting out of the open windows. Mark was in the front passenger seat while you and Jennie slipped in the back with Mark’s girlfriend, Miyeon.

Miyeon waved at you and you barely got your seatbelt on before the truck lurched forward, making its way down the road towards Mingyu’s house. “Who’s ready to dominate at pong tonight?” Mark bragged.

“Yeahhhhh,” Johnny enthused, reaching over to bump Mark’s fist with his. You rolled your eyes and looked over at Jennie. She just shrugged at you like it wasn’t as big of an annoyance as you were making it out to be.

The truck swung into the driveway of Mingyu’s house, and as Johnny cut the engine, it was replaced by the louder sounds of the house party. More music blasted from the back of the house where the pool was, and you could hear the sounds of splashing along with the hum of many people conversing at once. 

You followed behind Johnny as you weaved through the house, making your way to the kitchen for a drink. The large island was littered with many types of alcohol and random snacks. The signature punch bowl filled with some sort of pink liquid had also made its usual appearance, but you had made that mistake enough times and knew better enough to stay far away from it. 

You grabbed a red solo cup from the stack on the counter, making a mixed drink out of some random soda and liquor that sounded decent. It looked like Johnny had done the same and was pulling you by the hand to go out in the backyard where Mingyu and the rest of their buddies were. Jennie was already cozying up and dancing with some guy you didn’t recognize, likely from another university.

Meanwhile, Jihoon was on a date with his girlfriend, Shayla at a weird little bar across ton. Well, it was supposed to be a date, but all Jihoon had done was down beers while Shayla listened to some guy on the stage in front drone on about how real furs were being used in the fashion industry.

Jihoon hated how Shayla was looking at this guy, like he was the one single-handedly stopping the usage of real furs. Never mind the fact that she was on a date with Jihoon, her boyfriend. Jihoon scowled as he chugged beer after beer. 

He didn’t even notice how drunk he was until he got up and the room started spinning slightly. Stumbling over his chair, he looked over to find that Shayla had gone to the edge of the stage and was actively flirting with the fur guy. Jihoon needed to go to the bathroom and then he needed to get out of there. 

As he was washing his hands in the bathroom, he stared at his reflection in the mirror and realized he had started to sober up rather quickly, but he had ridden here with Shayla. Jihoon found the pay phone near the door of the bar. The opening and closing of the door created cold rushes of air, sobering him even more. He called one of his best friends, who also happened to be a designated driver for when the popular kids had parties. 

After feeding the pay phone the correct amount of coins and dialing the number, Wonwoo’s voice picked up after a few rings. “Jihoooonnnn, what’s up?” Wonwoo asked.

“Can you come get me from that stupid bar Shayla likes? I drank, and Shayla drove here,” Jihoon explained. 

“And you aren’t coming back with her?” Wonwoo questioned. Jihoon looked back toward the table he had been at with Shayla, only to find her making out with the fur dude.

“No, we broke up,” he said, bitterly. 

Wonwoo sighed. “Alright, I’ll come get you before we head to pick someone up at Mingyu’s party,” he said before hanging up. 

Jihoon hung up the line on his end and made a beeline back to where Shayla was. He tapped on her shoulder, breaking her from the make-out session, and immediately her face turned into one of someone who had been caught.

“We’re done, Shayla,” Jihoon said, rather dryly. He turned on his heel, not waiting for a reaction from her and walked out of the bar to wait for Wonwoo outside in the parking lot. 

When Jihoon was busy drowning in beers at the bar, you were also having an unfortunate turn of events. The party started out fine, you were having a good time dancing with Johnny and it progressed into being his partner for beer pong against Mark and Miyeon. 

Unfortunately, you and Johnny were losing. It started out okay, Johnny was being a bit of a gentleman and was drinking for you, but that was leaving him pretty smashed. It was Mark’s turn and he had gotten the ball in another cup, making Johnny drink yet another cup of beer. 

Johnny stumbled backward, spilling most of the contents of his cup on a girl who was walking behind him. It was like a scene from a movie, you watched as Johnny apologized to her and their eyes met each other’s. Anyone around could have seen the immediate connection. 

You originally tried to brush it off but with Johnny being as drunk as he was, it was apparent that something was bound to happen. Later, when you had come inside to use the bathroom, you would find Johnny and that girl sucking face right next to the bathroom door.

A screamed breakup and way too many drinks later, Jennie had called a designated driver to take you home. You sat on Mingyu’s front porch, sulking and watching the world spin when Wonwoo’s car pulled up. 

“Hey there, Y/N,” Wonwoo said, getting out of the driver's seat and approaching you on the porch. You gave him a nonchalant peace sign before noticing he had another passenger in the car. 

“Oh, great. That’s just the thing to top off my night, being stuck in a car with Jihoon while I’m drunk,” you said sarcastically, letting Wonwoo lead you down the steps and toward the car.

“I know, Y/N, but he called me too, and he is my friend as well. Try to bear with it, and you’ll be home soon enough,” Wonwoo said, knowing full well the relationship, or rather hate-ship, between you and Jihoon.

You rolled your eyes but slid into the seat next to Jihoon as Wonwoo shut the door after you. “Seriously, Wonwoo? This is who you needed to pick up from Mingyu’s party?” Jihoon’s annoyance was evident. Already tired from your rant, Wonwoo just gave him a hard stare in the rearview mirror. 

Leaving the party, the car was silent until Wonwoo brought up the reason for picking you up. “Y/N, you aren’t one to get that drunk at these parties. Jennie may have mentioned something happened..” 

You pulled your sweater around you and grumbled. “Johnny got too drunk, and after some weird drama connection shit, I found him and a girl from another university making out. He claims they ‘fell in love’,” you explained, using air quotes at the end. 

“So you broke up?” Jihoon’s question surprised you, but you were too tired and drunk to actively be rude to him

“Yeah, we broke up,” you confirmed.

“Seems to be the theme tonight,” Wonwoo mused from the front seat.

Confused, you looked over at Jihoon who was picking at his hands and looking at something particularly enthralling on the floor of the automobile. So, he and Shayla must have broken up as well. You felt that was interesting since they seemed attached at the hip, attached at the mouth too. Jihoon looked out the window now, and you saw a hurt in his eyes that he so seldom showed, but it was a familiar vulnerability that you remember from when you were kids. 

“We’re here, Y/N,” Wonwoo announced, and you realized he had pulled up in front of your sorority house. You didn’t know if it was the alcohol or being in an enclosed space with Jihoon that messed with your perception of time, but you were home quicker than you expected.

“Oh. Um, thanks, Wonwoo,” you mumbled, pushing the passenger door of the car open.

“Are you good? Can you get to the door okay?” Wonwoo asked.

“Yeah,” you responded, swinging your heavy-feeling feet out of the car before shutting the door a little harder than you meant to.

Jihoon watched as you stumbled down the walkway and nearly smacked yourself in the knee when you opened the front door of the sorority, a chuckle escaping him. “Was that a laugh I heard?” Wonwoo asked, turning around in his seat to scrutinize Jihoon’s expression.

“No…” Jihoon mumbled and cleared his throat. Wonwoo just shook his head, turned back to the front and pulled away from the sorority house to drop off his friend. 

“So, are you really that broken up about Shayla?” Wonwoo inquired, filling the five-minute drive with conversation.

“Honestly? Not really. I’m more upset about the way we broke up rather than the actual break up,” Jihoon explained, his hand running at his bangs in annoyance.

“Seriously. Out of everyone she could have kissed, it was some dumb activist guy at the bar. Now that you guys are over, I can say this, but Seok, Seungkwan, and I didn’t really think she fit with you. You deserve so much better,” Wonwoo ranted on Jihoon’s behalf.

The car had pulled up in Jihoon’s driveway while they were talking, and Jihoon slapped a hand on Wonwoo’s shoulder as he got up from the backseat. “Thanks, Woo. I know you guys didn’t care for her much, so now it’s ancient history,” Jihoon said, leaving Wonwoo alone in the car and making his way up his front porch steps.

He had barely gotten into the house and gone up the stairs to his room to flop onto his bed when the phone rang. “No, Seokmin. For the final time, we are not adding dancing suns to the music video edit,” Jihoon said into the phone automatically, not even bothering to say a greeting first.

“Uh, what?” you asked, confused.

Hearing your voice on the other line caused Jihoon to sit upright immediately. “Y/N? How did you get this number?” he questioned, surprised. 

“I remembered it..” you said, softly. As much as you hated Jihoon, your memories of your childhood remained, and that included his phone number. 

“Oh. So..why are you calling?” he asked, falling back onto his bed.

“I had an idea. What if...we dated each other?” You stated your idea, twirling the phone cord around your finger.

“What if we what? Y/N, you’re drunk,” Jihoon exclaimed.

“I'm not anymore, just hear me out. Not really dating but just pretending so that we could get what we wanted. I’d get to go to the sorority dance that I worked hard to plan and maintain my status while making Johnny jealous, and you’d get to show Shayla that she made a big mistake,” you blurted out your crazy idea.

“I don't know where you got this insane idea, but you should drink some water and take an ibuprofen for the nasty headache you’ll have in the morning,” he said, sighing.

“I’m serious, just think about it okay? Goodnight, Ji,” you said, his old nickname rolling off your tongue easily. 

Jihoon sighed again, “Good night, Y/N,” and he hung up the phone before falling asleep.

Your sleep was invaded by the sunlight shining in through your window, and as you opened your eyes, the splitting headache that resulted from last night's events made itself known. You sat up in bed slowly, pressing the palm of your hand against your eyes as if that would help when you remembered your phone call last night with Jihoon. He told you to drink water and take an ibuprofen.

You got up sluggishly and made your way to the bathroom, grabbing the cup that you left on the counter for when you got thirsty in the middle of the night. You filled it with water from the sink and found the ibuprofen bottle that was kept in the cabinet, spilling two pills into your palm. You popped them in your mouth and knocked them back, taking a drink of the water to swallow them. 

As you took a second drink of water for good measure, the rest of your conversation with Jihoon passed through your memories, and you spit water all over the mirror in front of you. You knew that you had been thinking how pretending to date each other would be an option, but you didn’t think you would actually ask him to do it. Apparently, drunken Y/N thought otherwise and had straight up called him and asked him to do it.

You smacked yourself in the forehead, making your head feel worse. “Well, it’s been said. And he didn’t agree to it yet, so let’s see what happens,” you murmured to yourself, resigned to the fact that it had indeed been said and maybe he wouldn’t go for it. No sense in being embarrassed about something you barely remember saying.

Which is why you didn’t expect to have Jihoon standing in front of you in the campus cafe on Monday morning saying, “I’ll do it,” causing you to spit your drink out for the second time in three days.

“You’ll what?” you asked, incredulous, as you wiped the coffee you sprayed all over the table in front of you. 

Jihoon sighed, not wanting to repeat himself. “I said, I’ll do it. Let’s fake date,” he repeated anyway, slowly to make his words heard. You blinked and just stared at him, absorbing what he just said. He stared back, his eyes boring into yours, and you saw no sign of his usual pettiness or jokes.

“Okay,” you finally breathed out, “but we should have some rules.”

“Agreed,” he said, sitting down next to you now.

“Okay….” you said, mulling over what those rules would actually be. “Alright, you’ll need a makeover. No one would believe we are together looking like…this,” you continued, gesturing at his overall self.

“Like what, Y/N?” Jihoon asked, even though he knew full well what you meant.

“We need to make it seem like you are someone I’d go for,” you said, trying to make your case.

“Fine, but I will not like it,” he replied with a glare, and you let out a little triumphant smile. “So then the other rule is that we have an easy out clause,” he said, offering a rule of his own.

“An easy out clause?” you questioned. 

“Yeah. So we can end the fake relationship at any time for any reason, and there won’t be any hard feelings. Other than the ones we already have for each other, of course,” Jihoon continued.

“Alright, an easy out clause,” you agreed. You let the awkward silence stew between the two of you for a bit before you spoke once more. “We both have classes until 4 pm today and then I have some work for the ball to do…are you free tomorrow night?”

“I think so, but why?” he asked, skeptically.

“So we can take care of the first rule, your makeover,” you replied.

Jihoon grimaced. “Okay, meet me in front of my house at 6 pm tomorrow,” he said, getting up and stuffing his hands in his pockets before leaving for his class. You attempted to finish what was left of your coffee and head off to your next class as well.

The next day at 6 pm, like promised, you were standing in front of a very familiar house from your childhood-Jihoon’s house. While you joined a sorority and lived on campus, Jihoon still lived here with his dad. Not only was it close to the university, but you figured some part of him didn’t want to leave his dad alone. 

You took a deep breath and walked up the front steps, ringing the doorbell. The door swung open, revealing Jihoon’s dad. “Well hello, Y/N. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you,” he said, opening the door further to let you step inside. 

“Hi Mr. Lee,” you said, standing in the foyer rather awkwardly. Honestly, the last time you stepped foot in this house was the day of Mrs. Lee’s funeral. It was also the last time you and Jihoon acted like friends.

“Ji should be down in a minute,” Mr Lee said, leaving you and going back into the kitchen. You looked down at your feet, rocking back and forth on your heels until you heard the creaking of the stairs. Jihoon looked like his usual self, wearing jeans and a band tee. You couldn’t help but smile. However, if the two of you dating were to seem real then he needed to fit in with the popular crowd. And that started with a look that aligned with that.

Jihoon cleared his throat, suddenly standing in front of you, and you realized you must have spaced out. “Ready?” he asked.

“Yeah, we should get going,” you said. He grabbed his car keys from the small table near the door before ushering you back through the front door and closing it behind him. He also opened the passenger door of the car for you, making you quirk an eyebrow at his actions. His only response was a shrug of the shoulders. 

After you were both settled in the car he asked, “So where to?”

“The mall,” you responded with an excited smile.

Jihoon groaned, “Are you trying to kill my reputation as a geek?” You blinked, surprised at his joking tone before letting out a giggle.

“Precisely,” you answered, laughing once more. Jihoon started the car, driving toward the demise of his geekdom, or at least the image of it.

After about fifteen minutes had passed, he pulled into the parking lot of the city mall, also known as the place where all the popular kids shopped and hung out. 

You walked into the large, store-filled building with Jihoon trailing behind you. Pausing at the entrance, you thought about what you needed to do first. “New outfits,” you pondered out loud. You looked over at Jihoon who was mashing his lips together and you grabbed the edge of his shirt, pulling him with you to the first clothing store.

You deposited him in the middle of the store, near the dressing rooms. Jihoon stood there almost in awe as you swirled around the store, picking up different combinations of pants and shirts to create outfits for him to try on. He was already exhausted, and he hadn’t even tried anything on yet.

After what felt like forever, you returned, holding up multiple outfits for him. He sighed, something he was doing a lot when he was with you. “The sooner you try them on, the sooner we can be done,” you said, trying to sound motivating. Lucky for you, he knew you were right and took the hangers of clothes from you. He trudged into the dressing room and shut the door behind him.

You made him come out after every outfit, much to his annoyance. You rather enjoyed it, clapping and smiling for most of the outfits. You were proud of yourself for picking things out that made him look the perfect mix of sophisticated and casual. You gathered all the outfits that worked and brought them up to the checkout counter, once again with Jihoon trailing behind you. 

Coming to stand next to you, Jihoon went to take his wallet out of his pocket, but you grabbed his wrist to stop him. “Don’t worry about it. It was my idea for the makeover,” you said, handing money to the cashier as she placed his new clothes in a bag. She handed the bag to you.

“Are you sure?” Jihoon asked.

“I’m sure,” you confirmed, handing the bag of clothes over to him. As you pulled your hand away, your stomach let out a few grumbles. 

He let out an amused snort and said, “This place has a food court, right?” You nodded, and your stomach grumbled some more. “Let’s get some food then.” 

You led the way toward the center of the mall, where all the food smells were coming from and a few minutes later, the two of you sat across from each other at a table with pieces of pizza in front of you. Another memory with Jihoon crossed your mind as you chewed a piece of the cheesy slice. “You remember the time Seungkwan’s mom specially bought that only cheese pizza for him at your birthday party and when he fell asleep early, we ate it all?” you asked, a smirk gracing your face as you remembered your childhood antics.

“He was so mad. He didn’t talk to us for like a week and then hid his pizza the next time there was a party,” Jihoon laughed. It grew silent again after that, not exactly an awkward silence but not a comfortable one either. You were nearly done with your pizza when Jihoon asked another question. “This makeover doesn’t include other things, like cutting my hair or something?” 

You looked up at him. You looked at his slightly shaggy black hair and his bangs that lightly brushed over his forehead. You didn’t know what possessed you, but you reached forward and grazed you fingered through the ends of his hair. Your eyes locked and instead of the growling it had done earlier, your stomach did flip flops. You panicked slightly and abruptly pulled your hand away.  “No, I don’t think we need to change anything else..” you said, looking down at the table.

Before things could get weirder, you two finished eating and left the mall with your mission accomplished. 

The car was quiet as it sat in the driveway of your sorority and Jihoon wondered why you hadn’t taken your seatbelt off to get out of the car yet. You were struggling, debating whether you wanted to tell him something that you had thought about telling him for ages. What better time than to say it now, a day when you spent the most time with him than you had in years? 

“Listen, Jihoon…” you started in a bit of a solemn tone. He turned to look at you. “When your mom got sick, I just didn’t know what to do or how to feel. Then at her funeral, I wasn’t sure how to comfort you or even if I could. And then you started getting in trouble at school and hanging out with other people. I’m just…I’m sorry.” 

Jihoon gave a wry smile after listening to your whole blurted speech. “It’s okay, I get it,” he said. “I didn’t know what to do or how to feel either, and then eventually we became…enemies sorta?” 

You nodded. “How about we be, uh, frenemies now, I guess?”

He snorted at that. “Frenemies,” he agreed.

Eventually, you took off your seatbelt and opened the car door. Before you fully shut it, you peeked your head in to remind Jihoon of your next plans. “Remember, we should be seen together at the football game tomorrow and then at the diner with my friends after.” 

He cringed but said, “Okay, see you tomorrow then,” and you shut the car door before watching him pull out of the driveway.

A few hours before the football game you mentioned to Jihoon that you were in the journalism room with Jennie, Miyeon, and a few other girls who were part of the ball planning committee. You were trying to finalize the theme so that you could get started on getting the decorations. The ball was held at the same place every year, so you didn’t have to worry about that, at least. Everyone was set on their own idea for the theme, and no one could come to a decision, making you massage your temples in frustration. 

You were really regretting not grabbing that coffee before this meeting when the very thing you wanted appeared in front of you. A iced coffee was sat in front of you and you looked up to find Jihoon, looking nonchalant with his hands in his pockets like always. “Thanks. How did you know I was here?” you asked, surprised.

He shrugged. “I was here working in the editing room on something with Seungkwan and Wonwoo and saw you were still here. I thought you could probably use the caffeine.” You squinted at him before slowly taking a drink of the coffee, wondering if he had some sort of other motive. Then he leaned forward and whispered in your ear, “I’m just trying to make it look like we didn’t, you know, suddenly go from hating each other to dating. So, just go with it.”

Of course, there it was. He couldn’t have really just thought to bring it to you for no reason at all other than just because. You were supposed to be fake dating starting today, so he needed to make it look true. 

Arguing between Jennie and Miyeon brought you back to reality, and you sighed. “Guys!” you snapped, making them both stop midargument. “Look, it’s almost time for the game and we should be there. Let’s try and come to an agreement by next week. If that’s not possible, then I’ll be making the final decision, by myself,” you said. Miyeon looked surprised at your unusual forcefulness while Jennie just looked, well annoyed. 

You grabbed what was left of the coffee Jihoon brought you and him by the arm. “We should get over to the stadium,” you said and left the room with the others, wondering what was up with you, or more importantly you and him. 

“Okay, chill,” Jihoon said, pulling his arm back from you once you were in the hall.

“Sorry,” you said, letting him pull his arm back. You looked up at him, finally noticing that he was also wearing one of the outfits you had picked out the day before. You smiled at him.

“What?” he asked, wondering why the heck you were smiling at him like a weirdo in the middle of the hallway.

“I didn’t think you would be wearing the clothes yet,” you responded.

“I thought that was the deal? Now come on, let’s watch some stupid game and start this dating thing in front of your friends.” Jihoon grabbed your hand, leading you down the hall and out the door to head to the football stadium. Why was your heart feeling funny?

An hour later, Jihoon was sitting next to you in the bleachers complaining in your ear about how “all a football game is, is an excuse for dudes to touch other dudes' butts.” You rolled your eyes but couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Go, Fight, Win!” A chant had started in the stadium and was gaining more people with it. After about the third round of the chant, you joined, smirking at Jihoon. He looked at you chanting with your other friends that sat nearby and shook his head. You nudged him, smiling like a maniac. 

Rolling his eyes, he finally joined with a monotone, “Go, Fight, Win!” and a half-hazard fist pump in the air. Then something happened. Watching the game, feeling the excitement of the crowd, and seeing you sitting next to him, enjoying yourself; he thought maybe this wasn’t so bad, fun even. Next thing he knew, as the chant ended he was taking turns shouting insults at the refs with Mark and high-fiving him. 

You looked at him. It was peculiar. All that fuss and now he was fitting in like he had been a part of the group from the beginning. You couldn’t help but think that it could have been this way all along, as if you and Jihoon never had been enemies. 

After the game, you and Jihoon made an official new couple appearance at the diner your friends often frequented after games. You had barely sat down in the group booth with your food when Jennie pounced. “So after seeing you two together twice today, I need to ask. Are you two like a thing now?” she asked, pointing between the two of you. You nodded. Jennie gave a look of distaste. “How on earth did that happen?” 

“So, remember the night at Mingyu’s party when Johnny and I broke up and I got drunk, you called me a designated driver? Well, Jihoon had also called Wonwoo and was in the car too. It just sort of happened?” you explained. None of that was technically wrong at all, that was what happened. You just left out the part about the drunken phone call later and you know, the fact that it was fake. 

Jennie looked over at Jihoon, who had his mouth full of fries. “Yeah, pretty much,” Jihoon confirmed with his mouth full and Jennie gave a slightly disgusted look. Seeming satisfied with that answer, Jennie left it alone and conversation flowed around the table. Mark, Mingyu, and Jihoon were debating things about a video game and you found yourself smiling once again at the fact that they seemed to be getting along well.

Yet, your smile fell when you looked at the other side of the table to see Johnny and his new girlfriend making out. You didn’t know why, but tears were gathering at the corners of your eyes. “I’ll be right back, bathroom,” you mumbled. Jihoon heard the tone in your voice and the sheen in your eyes and was pulled from his video game conversation. He immediately saw what likely upset you, and decided he needed to do something about it when you came back.

In the bathroom, you splashed water on your face and hoped that would help regain your composure. You took a few deep breaths and made sure there was no trace of your sudden tear-up before heading back out to the table. As you sat back down next to Jihoon, he asked “Everything okay, babe?” He wrapped an arm over your shoulders pulling you close to him and placed a peck on your forehead. 

Babe? Your brain malfunctioned and you were frozen at Jihoon’s side. “Y/N….” he hissed in your ear and you broke from your stupor. “Oh, sorry. Yes, I’m good,” you answered. He must be doing this for show, to make it really look like you were dating and to make Johnny jealous, right? It had to be that, of course.

“So, you’re friends with DD Wonwoo, right?” Mark was asking Jihoon now.

“Yeah, we are friends. And it’s Wonwoo, not DD Wonwoo. Just Wonwoo,” he answered and you could hear irritation starting in his voice.

“Cool, you think he’d be down to be the designated driver for all our parties? We’ll pay.” Jihoon’s body tensed at the question.

“Okayyyyy,” you said the minute Mark finished his sentence, getting up and pulling Jihoon out of the booth with you. “It’s getting late and I’m tired. We’ll see you guys later,” you rushed out before dragging Jihoon out of the diner with you and leaving what was left of your food on the table.

“What the hell was that? Wonwoo has probably saved the lives of half those people in there and what? They just want to continue getting drunk off their rockers and think throwing money at him is compensation for that?” Jihoon was fuming. He was pacing back and forth in the parking lot, tugging his hand through his hair. 

“Jihoon…” you started. 

“Who do they think they are? Do they have no integrity? Did they trade their brains for being popular?” He continued to rant.

“Jihoon!” you said again, sharper this time.

“What?!” he shouted and you flinched slightly.

You didn’t know why, but you felt the urge to comfort him and calm him down. And to apologize even. You came up next to him, brushing his hand with yours, and said, “I’m sorry.” Jihoon’s breathing calmed down and his eyes met yours. “Endure it for me, please? I promise you and Wonwoo can do something mean to him the next time he’s drunk, okay?” you said. 

Jihoon cracked a smile at that. “Fine…” he responded and stalked over to the car so he could get the two of you back home.

You and Jihoon had made appearances at a few other things during the week, but as Friday approached there was actually one you were looking forward to the most. It was starting to get warmer, which meant some days were spent soaking up the sun at the river.

The ball’s committee had also taken your previous threat about choosing the theme on your own seriously and had finally come to a consensus. The theme was Moments in Time and you were looking forward to downtime with your friends before having to plan more for the ball. Maybe you were looking forward to downtime with Jihoon too. 

This time you were all riding with Mingyu in his jeep, floats and picnic supplies strapped to the utility bar on top of the vehicle. He had come to pick you up with everyone else in the car but Jihoon and he would be picked up last. Which meant that when Mingyu honked at Jihoon’s house, the only seat left in the car was in the backseat, squished in the middle next to you.

Squeezing in next to you, you became immediately aware of his bare legs pressing against your own. He was in the swim trunks you had picked out for him and a t-shirt, already prepared for the day's activities. “Ouch,” you said as he accidentally pinched your arm between him and the seat. 

“I’m sorry, is this better?” Jihoon asked, moving his arm over your shoulders so that you could settle next to him. 

You swallowed down the butterflies that were now becoming a common occurrence when you were with him. You were still doing everything you could to ignore them. It was just the proximity and situation making you feel that way. You didn’t actually like him. At least, that’s what you kept telling yourself. 

You didn’t dare speak words out loud, afraid it would come out garbled or as a squeak. You just nodded in response, the warming of your cheeks still threatening to give you away. Throughout the entire drive to the river, you were painfully aware of how much his body was touching yours.

When Mingyu pulled into the parking lot of the River Park, you nearly flung yourself out of the car causing both Jihoon and Jennie to look at you like you were insane. As the others got out of the car, you moved your attention to retrieving your things from the back. You grabbed your bag, which held a swim towel, sunscreen, and a few snacks.

More bags were grabbed, leaving the trunk area empty while Mark and Mingyu worked on getting the other things down from the rack on the roof. You waited until everything had been taken before walking down the path that led to the larger bank of the river. The area was a little rocky but many of the rocks were big enough to lay blankets and towels on. 

You spotted one big enough for multiple people to spread out on and it was also close enough to the river itself, which would make it easy to get in and out of the water. It was decided the girls would take the spot you found and the boys would hang out on the next one over. You spread your towel out, setting your bag near the front and slipping your sandals off on the other end to weigh it down before settling down on it in a cross-legged position.

Jennie and Miyeon put their things out next to you, while Jihoon was helping Mark and Mingyu set their chairs out on the other rock. You leaned backward on your hands, enjoying the sun on your face while chatting about things every once in a while with Jennie and Miyeon. You had tuned them out a little when Miyeon started talking about Mark’s sexual habits, comparing them with things Jennie’s many partners had done. Not only did you not want to know those things about Mark, but you didn’t really have anything to contribute since you and Jihoon obviously weren't on that level.

“Y/N? What about you and Jihoon?” Miyeon asked, bringing your attention back to the conversation. 

“Well….it’s a secret,” you answered, trying to be as elusive as possible so you didn’t have to try and come up with more lies than needed.

“Oh, come on, Y/N,” Jennie goaded. “You cleaned Jihoon up so nicely, I'm sure you’ve had a piece of that.”

You looked at your best friend in annoyance. “Jihoon is a private person, I’d rather not discuss our sex life,” you responded. Miyeon seemed to understand but the look on Jennie’s face was like she took your response as a challenge.

The boys were having a similar conversation over at their rock, with Mingyu bragging about his latest endeavors. Jihoon didn’t really understand the need to boast about the subject as if it were a competition. “But what about Y/N, though?” Mingyu asked, looking over at Jihoon.

“What about her?” Jihoon questioned.

“She’s hot. You’d be stupid not to get a little ‘something, something’ while dating her,” Mingyu continued.

Jihoon narrowed his eyes, “Even if I have, Y/N has feelings too and I’m not going to divulge her sex life without her permission.” 

“Okay, dude. I was just trying to make conversation,” Mingyu surrendered, putting his hands up as a white flag. 

Mark took that as a sign for him and Mingyu to grab some floaties and go hang out in the river. Jihoon had brought his walkman and slipped on the headphones, going into his own little music world. Miyeon and Jennie had grown quiet now and were tanning behind you.

After scooting forward on your towel, you stuck your feet in the cool river water and let yourself relax a bit. You looked over to find Mark and Mingyu having a war on the floaties, both trying to push the other off and into the water. You shook your head at their antics and moved your feet back and forth in the water, creating a calming effect for yourself.

You weren’t sure how long you were all hanging out there but eventually Mingyu mentioned that you should all get home and you started packing things up. You looked over to find Jihoon gone from his previous spot.

Your eyes wandered around the river bank area and you finally spotted him, playing with two younger kids. “Oh noooo, you got me,” you heard him exclaim in mock upset. The two kids were squirting him with water from the super soakers they each had, both giggling the more exaggerated Jihoon sounded. 

He moved, chasing them around and getting revenge with his own super soaker. You couldn’t help but smile at the pure joy you saw on his face as he played with them. He looked so at ease with them. You thought that maybe you really were starting to fall for him, but if you were then you couldn’t keep up this fake dating ruse. You promptly shook the thoughts from your head. 

“Come on Captain Kangaroo, our ride is leaving,” you shouted across the bank. He looked up at your voice and shot you a devastatingly adorable smile that showed off his dimples. He gave the water gun back to the kids and he ruffled their hair, telling them he had fun. 

He jogged to where you were, saying “Okay, let’s get going.” He picked up his things from the rock he and the boys were on earlier and the two of you headed back up the path to Mingyu’s jeep. All the items you had brought had been put back in the trunk and everyone was just waiting for you and Jihoon so you could head back home. You two were squished against each other again, in a similar position as on the way there. However, you weren’t paying attention to that part as much now that the scene of him playing with the kids earlier kept replaying in your head. Before you knew it, you all had been dropped off at your respective residences and it was time to settle down for the evening. 

Jihoon had just walked in the door when his dad appeared holding the house phone. “Ah, good timing. Jihoon just came in, Seungkwan. Here,” he said, holding the phone out for Jihoon to take. 

“Hey, Kwan. What’s up?” Jihoon said into the phone, bringing it up the stairs to his room with him. 

“The Pixies are playing at the bar tomorrow night. Come with Seokmin, Wonwoo, and I,” Seungkwan said.

“I don’t know. I think one of Y/N’s friends is having a party that we are supposed to go to.”

Seungkwan sighed heavily. “I wasn’t going to bring this up, but you’ve changed. You used to hang out with us, you know, your best friends, all the time and now you're always with Y/N and her group of populars. Are we not good enough for you anymore, Jihoon?” 

“Jesus, Seungkwan. No, I haven’t changed. I don’t like hanging out with them, I’m just there to make Y/N happy and somewhat get along with them.” Jihoon explained, annoyance tingeing his voice. 

“Whatever you say,” Seungkwan gave a flippant response.

“Tell you what, I’ll talk to Y/N and see if we can come with you guys to the concert instead. Okay?” Jihoon compromised.

“Fine, let me know later,” Seungkwan conceded.

“Okay, bye.” Jihoon hung up the phone and rubbed his hands over his face. He didn’t think he was changing at all. He wasn’t fitting in with that crowd, was he? He was only pretending so that you two could fake date, right? 

Jihoon picked the cordless phone back up from the bed where he flung it after saying goodbye to Seungwan and dialed your number.

“Hello?” your voice sounded from the other end.

“Hey,” Jihoon said.

“Jihoon? You usually don’t call me first,” you mentioned.

“I know, but I wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay…” you responded, a little confused.

“I know we are supposed to go to another party tomorrow but do you think we could do something with my friends instead? I feel like we only do things with your friends,” he complained.

You let out a rush of air. “Okay,” you agreed.

“Okay?” Jihoon asked, surprised you agreed that easily.

“Yeah, you’re right. And it seems weird for a couple to hang out with only one group of friends. Plus, they used to be my friends too…” you trailed off.

“Alright, then there’s a band we follow playing at a bar we go to. Seungkwan invited us and both Wonwoo and Seokmin will be there too. I can come get you at 5 pm tomorrow,” he told you.

“Sounds good. Hey, today was kind of nice wasn’t it?” you asked, a smile on your face as you remembered.

“Yeah, it was kind of nice,” Jihoon admitted and you both hung up the phone.

Even though it was a Saturday afternoon, Jihoon found himself on campus in the broadcasting room. Seungkwan and Wonwoo were there earlier too but Jihoon wanted to finish editing the music video they had been working on. They had gone to get lunch and would be back later. 

It wasn’t that he was in a real hurry to finish it exactly, but he tended to immerse himself in his projects when he felt unsettled about something. He wasn’t even sure what he was specifically feeling weird about. Was it the fact that he really seemed to be getting along with your friends? Or was it that his heart seemed to speed up every time he caught your eyes yesterday?

All that could be heard in the room was the clicking of the mouse as he edited, thoughts swirling in his head. He was so distracted that he didn’t even realize that Wonwoo and Seungkwan had come back and that it was three hours later. He was brought back to reality as Seungkwan snapped his fingers in front of his face, literally snapping him out of whatever trance he was in. “Hellooooo, Jihoon,” Seungwan said, trying to get his attention. 

“Oh, sorry, Kwan,” Jihoon responded and turned around in the computer chair he was sitting in. 

“We should probably leave so we can all get ready for the concert tonight with Seok,” Wonwoo mentioned.

“Did you ask your girlfriend? Are you coming?” Seungkwan asked with a hint of bitterness.

“Actually, yeah. Y/N was kind of excited about it, so we’ll be there,” Jihoon said, ignoring Seungkwan’s tone.

Rather than getting into another heated discussion about whether Jihoon was acting like himself or not, Seungkwan and Wonwoo left and so did Jihoon after finishing the last bit of video editing. He went back home to get ready in another outfit you had chosen that day at the mall before going to pick you up. A few hours later, he was waiting in the car outside your dorm like he had multiple times before.

Jihoon drummed his fingers on the steering wheel along with the beat of the song that was on the radio as he waited for you. He was pretty into it and didn’t see when you had come out of the house. You grinned as you slowly approached the car. Jihoon had been into music when you were younger and it was nice to know he truly hadn’t changed much despite everything that happened. “Okay drummer boy, I’m here. We should leave,” you said, making him jump slightly at your voice before he unlocked the passenger side for you to get in.

“So what band are we going to see?” you asked when Jihoon had pulled out onto the road that would take you to the bar.

“The Pixies. Wonwoo found them one time when he was DD’ing and went to pick Seokmin up at the bar one time. They showed Seungkwan and me the next time they played and we liked them too, so we try to catch them every time they play there.” Jihoon explained and you could tell how much he liked the band.

“Hmm, okay. Well I’m excited to hang out with you guys, to see Seungkwan, and to get to know Wonwoo and Seokmin even more,” you said and you really were. You wanted to catch a glimpse of what Jihoon had been like for the period of time you didn’t know him. He hummed in acknowledgment. It was quiet for a few minutes before you spoke again. “Hey, do I..look okay? I’ve actually never been to this kind of thing before..” you asked, feeling a little nervous.

Jihoon looked a little surprised, but then again seeing a girl punk rock band at a hole-in-the-wall bar was not exactly your scene. Eventually, he scanned your outfit, taking in the dark jeans and nice shirt you were wearing. “Yeah, you look nice,” he responded. He was probably just being polite but you noticed he was also wearing something similar, making you wonder why you spent so much time trying to find the right outfit in the first place. 

He pulled into the parking lot of the bar and parked next to a car that was familiar to you at this point, Wonwoo’s. You followed behind him as he walked into the bar and scanned the area for his friends. “Jihoon! Y/N!” you heard someone shout over the band that was already playing. You walked with Jihoon to where Seungkwan had shouted from, in the middle of a crowd standing somewhat near the stage. It got louder the closer you got to where Seungkwan, Seokmin, and Wonwoo were.

“Hey, boys!” you greeted them over the music. 

“Hey, Y/N,” Seungkwan said when you got closer. Wonwoo gave a small wave and Seokmin flashed a smile.

“I’m going to grab some drinks from the bar. Want anything?” Jihoon asked you all.

“Martini for me, please,” Seungkwan said.

“Suprise me,” came Seokmin’s response.

“I’m driving, of course, so just club soda?” Wonwoo asked.

Jihoon looked over at you, waiting for your order. “Rum and coke?” you asked. Jihoon did not expect that from you. He figured you’d want something more fancy like Seungkwan wanted.

“Okay, be back soon then,” Jihoon said and he disappeared into the crowd.

You turned your attention to the stage in front of you that had since grown quiet, guessing that the band that was playing when you walked in was the opener for who you were really here to see. You were making small talk with the three boys while waiting for the main event and for Jihoon to come back. As you had noticed before, Wonwoo was quiet but funny and had quite a knack for video editing. Seokmin was bright, adding a lightness to their group. You talked with Seungkwan about your junior high days when you, Jihoon, and he made up a trio. You remembered those days fondly and definitely noticed how wary Seungkwan was when talking about that part of your shared past.

Before you could address that, the crowd started cheering and colored lights were starting to shine on the stage as a group of girls came on stage with their instruments. They looked amazing. The girl in front had her hair teased in a high pony and wore silver pants that matched the glittering tank top of the girl drummer behind her. She picked up a guitar and started playing a riff that must have been from one of their well-known songs, judging by the howling in the crowd. As the song continued to play, you realized you liked it. The punk aspect was not something you would not have normally picked, but it made you feel something.

Jihoon was still waiting for your drinks over at the bar and was turned around to watch the stage. His eyes were automatically drawn to where you were, finding you with your eyes glued to the stage and complete joy written on your face. He watched as you got closer to the stage, starting to jump up and down with the music. He honestly couldn’t take his eyes off of you. “Here you go,” the bartender said from behind him, setting the drinks on the bar top. Jihoon grabbed them all, balancing them in his hands and set off back into the crowd with an amused smile on his lips.

He wove back through all the people, stopping to give his friends their drinks before moving forward in the crowd to where you were standing. The song was finishing as he reached you and you screamed and clapped for the band, making Jihoon laugh at how much you were actually enjoying this. He tapped you on the shoulder and you turned, the look on your face probably the happiest he had seen recently.

“Your drink,” Jihoon said, passing the glass to you.

“Thank you,” you said, taking it from him and giving it a light sip before turning your attention to the next song. You began bouncing up and down to the beat of the new song, as much as you could without spilling your drink. Jihoon thought you were cute like this. 

He stood there enjoying the music with you, his own drink in hand until you heard Wonwoo let out an “Ah, shit,” somewhere behind you. 

“What’s wrong?” Jihoon questioned. 

“She’s here,” Wonwoo responded.

“Who?” you asked, confused. 

You followed Jihoon’s line of sight before you spotted who and he spoke her name. “Shayla.” She had a guy hanging off her, which you could only assume was the one she cheated on Jihoon with. You watched as they acted all lovey-dovey, making Jihoon look positively miserable. Her eyes crossed paths with Jihoon and you could only think of one thing to do, you kissed him. 

You made out with him to be exact, tongue and all. You couldn’t bear how hurt he looked, couldn’t stand the fact that Shayla was looking at him like she still cared. Jihoon didn’t know how he should respond other than to let you continue kissing him. You kept sneaking peeks at Shayla out of the corner of your eye as you kept making out with him. Eventually, Shayla looked away with a bit of a sneer and pulled her boy toy to another area of the bar. 

You pulled away from Jihoon and said, “Sorry, I was just returning the favor.” He had rescued you in a similar way, albeit a tamer way, that night at the dinner when your ex was there. You took it a little further than intended but you were just making it even, weren’t you? 

“Uh, thanks?” Jihoon responded, a light blush warming his cheeks and he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. This was not a reaction you expected from him or even one you thought he could have. It was actually pretty adorable. You tried not to think about it. You didn’t see it because you were too focused on the boy you weren’t supposed to like, but Wonwoo and Seungwan shared a look. 

“They are about to play the next song,” you said, trying to redirect attention back to the band and the stage. Jihoon only nodded, not knowing what else to say after that. You let the music take away thoughts of whatever feelings you might be starting to have for your fake boyfriend and by the time the concert was over, you had buried them deep in your mind once again.

In the parking lot of the bar, you said goodbye to Seungkwan, Wonwoo, and Seokmin before you got in the car with Jihoon to go home. It was a little awkward again before Jihoon turned the radio on. (You Drive Me) Crazy by Britney Spears came on and he groaned before he reached over to change the station. “Aw come on, Ji. Leave it there,” you whined before starting to sing along to the song. He grimaced at you but pulled his hand away from the dash, leaving the song on. “You drive me craaaazzzyyy, I just can’t sleep!” you sang loudly and badly on purpose. You poked your elbow into Jihoon’s side, trying to get him to sing with you as you continued with the lyrics.

After a few harder nudges Jihoon belted out, “Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night”. You gasped, putting your hand over your mouth. You didn’t think you’d actually get him to sing it with you. He continued driving with the two of you singing the rest of the song and giggling like maniacs, Jihoon showing a smile genuine enough that the dimples you only saw one other time appeared. You found yourself having fun more often with Jihoon and spending time with him was beginning to feel more and more natural, like you never parted ways to begin with.

Once again, you found yourself in the journalism room working on things for the ball. More specifically, the decorations. This time you were by yourself, there was yet another party happening tonight and the others left you so they could get Jennie’s house ready since she was hosting this time. Honestly, you didn’t mind and felt like you could get more things done without Jennie’s constant nitpicking. 

You were looking at a few different options for string lights when someone you didn’t expect to see walked in. Shayla. “Um, Mrs. Rathburn asked me to bring you the posters you had printed from the big office printer,” she said, showing the large posters she held in her arms.

“Oh, thanks for bringing them. You can set them over there,” you responded, gesturing toward the bigger table next to you. Shayla set them where you indicated and started toward the door but hesitated, turning back around. She looked like she wanted to say something to you. “Was there anything else?” you prompted.

She pondered for a moment before saying,” He seems happier with you.” You were sure what to say when she continued. “He never wanted to go places with me, never wanted to stop by the lab to see me, not the way he does with you.” 

The way she said it struck a chord with you. You knew she was a medical science major and worked in the chem lab a lot but it didn’t occur to you before and obviously, she didn’t know either. “He didn’t tell you about his mother, did he?” you asked. The confused look on Shayla’s face confirmed your suspicions. “His mother died when we were younger…of cancer. So you can imagine why he wouldn’t want to be around medicine and labs.”

Now she had a shocked look on her face, mixed with something like pity. “I didn’t know. Well, I hope he continues to be happy with you,” she said as she turned back around and walked out of the room. For once, you felt a little sorry for Shayla but fake or not, Jihoon was with you now. You sighed and got up from the chair you were sitting in, pulling the posters closer to you so you could examine them to make sure they had been printed properly. They looked good and you were glad that nothing was wrong with them. 

A few minutes later, Jihoon walked through the same classroom door that Shayla walked out of. “Hey, how's it going in here?” he asked casually. 

You shrugged, “It’s going. But, what are you doing here? You didn’t bring me coffee this time.” You grinned, enjoying being able to give him a hard time now without it turning into a big deal. 

“Wow, see if I ever bring you coffee again..” he teased back. “Anyway, I was working with Seungkwan on some AV stuff for the school news show and thought I’d stop by. It was strange though, I passed by Shayla in the hall and she was acting oddly nice to me.” 

“Huh, weird,” you said. There was no way you were going to tell him that you told her about his mother. He must have had a reason for not telling her, although some part of you was relieved he hadn’t.

“So, how do you feel about having dinner at my house before we go to Jennie’s party? My dad invited you. I think he’s noticed how close we’ve gotten again,” he asked, looking a little sheepish.

“I’d like that,” you responded, the corners of your lips turning up at the thought of Mr. Lee making Jihoon ask you over. You gathered all the things you were working on, organizing them so they made sense when you went to work on them again and left the room to go home with Jihoon.

You had really only been just inside of the door of Jihoon’s house since you reconnected. It felt weird going past the dining room threshold as you followed him into the kitchen, even though as a child you had been in every room in the house. It was a reminder of how things truly had changed after his mom died. 

Yet, the sight of Mr. Lee in the kitchen and the familiar smell of his famous Yangnyeom chicken transported you right back to those times when you and Jihoon would get called in for dinner when you had been playing outside or doing homework together. Mr. Lee turned around after plating the chicken. “Glad you could join us, Y/N! I had to practically beg Jihoon to ask you,” he beamed, walking into the dining room to set the large plate on the table.

“Thank you for inviting me Mr. Lee,” you said, politely as you took a seat in one of the chairs at the dining table. 

“At least I didn’t have to drag you two inside from the treehouse,” he said with a laugh and you found it ironic that he remembered that as well. 

Your eyes shifted to sliding doors on the other side of the dining room, looking out into the backyard to see if the treehouse still existed. “It’s still there..” you murmured as you made out the familiar wood walls poking out the only large tree still in the yard.

“Of course it is! Jihoon kept it up all these years and made sure no nail or board came out of place,” Mr. Lee exclaimed rather proudly. You looked over at Jihoon who was doing his best not to look at you. You thought it would have been destroyed by now. Jihoon’s actions lately were already confusing, but the fact that he had preserved the treehouse all this time confused you even more. 

The rest of dinner went well, it was comforting that it felt almost the same as it did when you were young. Well, minus a major person, but you tried your best not to think about that. You and Jihoon were helping Mr. Lee clean up when he glanced at the clock on the wall. “We should think about heading to the party now,” he said.

“I got the rest of this. You crazy kids go have fun at the party,” Mr. Lee said, basically telling the two of you to skedaddle already.

“Don’t wait up,” Jihoon joked, following you out of the kitchen and back into the front room.

Since you were busy enough today, you chose an outfit when you got ready this morning that would translate well from everyday to party. It’s not like you were the host or like it was that special of an event, plus you were willing to bet something would be spilled on it by the end of the night anyway. 

“Let me change into something more suitable and I’ll be right back,” Jihoon said to you. You nodded and sat on the bottom of the stairs to wait for him. Five minutes later, he came down the stairs looking effortless and amazing at the same time. Once again, making it hard for you to ignore the ever-annoying butterflies that filled your stomach. 

“Let’s get going, we don’t want to be late,” you mumbled, turning your attention back to the front door.

The party was already in full swing when you arrived and you narrowly avoided being mowed over by Mingyu and Mark playing some sort of drunk game involving a soccer ball the minute you and Jihoon walked into Jennie’s house. You took Jihoon’s hand in yours as you wove through people, telling yourself it was so that you didn’t lose him in the crowd but you couldn’t help but feel like they fit together.

You made your way into the center of the house where more things seemed to be going on when you caught the sound of the familiar voices of your friends in the backyard. Jennie was already drunk, laughing loudly as she swayed her hips to the music blasting from speakers on either side of the yard. “There you guys areeeeeeee,” Jennie exclaimed, her words sounding slightly slurred which gave a bit of an indication of how much alcohol she’d had so far. 

You stifled a laugh as Miyeon gave you a look that essentially said “help me” as she lightly sipped on the drink she had while keeping an eye on Jennie. Mark suddenly appeared, without Mingyu this time. “Yoooo, Jihoon. Come be my partner, Mingyu got too drunk and I need someone who actually has hand-eye coordination,” he said, trying to rope Jihoon into whatever hair-brained game they had been playing. 

Mark dragged him off before he could protest, leaving you with just the girls. “You know, I wasn’t sure about Jihoon in the beginning, but the makeover he had really suits him well. If you weren’t dating him, I would be all over that,” Jennie babbled, the multiple drinks in her system acting like an unwanted truth serum. You felt a hint of animosity toward her, and you had to keep telling yourself that you shouldn’t be. You weren’t dating for real, but in principle, it was since nobody else knew that. 

To make it easier to resist the urge to strangle Jennie, you excused yourself and went to get a drink from the bar on the other side of the patio that you assumed Jennie paid to be there. Walking up to the bartender, you ordered something that tasted good but wouldn’t get you blasted immediately. A few seconds wait and you thanked the bartender, taking your drink from him. You turned around, maybe to go find where Mark dragged Jihoon off to when you found yourself face to face with your ex.

“Oh, Y/N. I was actually looking for you,” Johnny said. He was just passing by but he was clearly looking for someone. You, apparently. 

“Um, okay…didn’t you come with your new girlfriend?” you asked, confused as to why he was looking for you when he seemed so infatuated with the girl the last time you had seen him.

“Well, that’s kind of why I was looking for you. Let’s find a quieter place to talk,” he motioned to some chairs that sat out off the side of the patio where fewer people were milling around. You sat down in one and he sat in the one across from you.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” you questioned, not exactly interested but he did specifically seek you out.

“I know you are with Jihoon now, but I was wondering if I could take you to the dance?” Johnny asked, with what he thought might be a convincing smile on his face. You choked on your drink. He couldn’t be serious. The very thing you had wanted before everything got messy and he was asking you now?

“But what about your girlfriend?” you inquired.

“She broke up with me, said she found someone new,” he shrugged. You snorted. Ironic wasn’t it? She broke up with him for nearly the same reason he broke up with you.

“Once upon a time, all I ever wanted was for you to take me to the ball I planned. But you know what? I’m not the same person as I was all those months ago and I’m with Jihoon now. Go find some other poor sucker to go with you because I won’t,” you responded and you knew it was true. You weren’t the same person anymore. You could care less about being popular. All you cared about was being yourself. And being with Jihoon.

Johnny looked stunned, “Damn, Jihoon is a lucky guy.” You felt that was your cue to leave and you had to go to the bathroom anyway. So you left Johnny there and went inside to search for the restroom. You walked back into the house through the sliding door and were headed down the hall when you saw it, saw them. 

Jennie was talking with Jihoon when suddenly you saw her lips meet his. You didn’t know what was happening and your face crumpled. Immediately, you knew that the feelings you were trying to suppress for Jihoon couldn’t be covered up anymore. Jennie broke free of the kiss with a smirk, turning Jihoon around by his shoulders so that his eyes would meet yours. “Bitch,” you murmured, a sob trying to break free from your chest.

Jihoon’s eyes widened as they met yours. “Y/N, wait!” he shouted, a pleading tone bleeding into it. You didn’t want to hear it. This whole thing was fake anyway. You ignored him and stormed out the front door, not caring where you were going. You just needed out of there. Jennie’s house wasn’t that close to the dorm, but it didn’t matter. You wanted to walk anyway.

You did eventually make it back to the dorm, you didn’t know how long it took you and you didn’t care. Everything was ruined and you felt the most pathetic that you had ever been. You retreated to your room and the warmth of your bed, wanting to never leave it. You should have never come up with this idea if you knew it would turn out this way. You weren’t supposed to fall for your ex-best friend, your enemy.

Jihoon was also miserable, perhaps on a different and newfound level. He thought he was in a bad way when he broke up with Shayla, but it was nothing like the way he felt after Jennie tricked him. Nothing like the way his heart cracked when he saw your face and the way your chin trembled when you saw the kiss and nothing like when he called out to you, only for you to ignore him and walk out the door. 

He thought he might have loved Shayla when they were together, but he was so wrong. He loved you and it took losing you to finally realize it, to admit it to himself. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do now, but the most immediate solution was to numb the pain. He knew Wonwoo would come get him anyway, and so he drank. He drank a lot. Likely more than he ever had.

He drank so much that he didn’t even know how time moved forward and transported him to where he was now, outside, throwing his guts up in Jennie’s front garden. He must have called Wonwoo at some point, he most certainly didn’t remember doing it but Wonwoo was suddenly standing there in the yard, waiting to see if Jihoon’s stomach was done forcing out whatever contents were left. 

Wonwoo didn’t have much sympathy for his friend at this point. “How does it feel Jihoon? Being part of the popular crowd?” he mocked. 

“Shut up, Wonwoo,” Jihoon croaked, slowly getting up from his kneeling position in the grass to slowly tread toward Wonwoo’s car. Jihoon all but melted into the backseat once the two of them were both in the car, his head already starting to pound. 

“You really screwed up, you know,” Wonwoo said, once the car was on the way to Jihoon’s house. 

“How do you know what happened?” Jihoon mumbled the question

“You know how fast news travels around here,” he responded.

“Considering everyone was at the party, I’m not surprised.” Wonwoo slammed on the brakes, making Jihoon fall forward and smack his nose on the seat in front of him. “Ow, what the hell Wonwoo?!” he yelped, hands moving to his face to touch his now tender nose.

“Everybody was NOT there, Jihoon! Seungkwan and I weren’t there, Seokmin wasn’t there, so no, everybody was not at the party,” Wonwoo nearly growled. 

“Okay, sheesh. Everybody was not there,” Jihoon conceded, given his growing headache and the fact that Wonwoo so rarely yelled. 

“Get out,” Wonwoo said and Jihoon was about to protest when he looked out of the window to see that they had actually stopped outside his house. “Call me when you’ve decided to return back to being the friend I know.” 

Jihoon couldn’t respond, he didn’t have a decent answer for that. He just got out of the car, went into the house, and flopped face-first onto his bed. He did know that Wonwoo was right though, he royally fucked up. The only thing he could think about was talking to you, to see if there was a way to convince you of what truly happened with Jennie. 

He rolled back to his side, reaching his arm out to grab the phone from the nightstand. He didn’t know how late it was but prayed you’d still answer the phone. He punched in your number and waited as it rang and rang. He was just about to give up when a tired “hello?” answered. 

“Please let me explain,” Jihoon said, immediately. 

You sighed. “It doesn’t matter. It was crazy to think we could fake it this long, this is our easy out,” you responded, trying to keep your voice from breaking and giving you away. 

“What about the dance? That was the main goal of this whole thing,” he said. Jihoon knew that wasn’t why he wanted to keep this ruse going but it was all he could think to try.

“I’ll figure something out. Or maybe I won’t go at all. Let’s just go back to how things were before.” Tears were starting to slip down your cheeks now and you hung up the phone before Jihoon could hear the sob that left your chest.

After the party, days and weeks continued on but you and Jihoon were not the same. Jihoon spaced out often, going about his days in a trance. He even ignored Shaya’s renewed and constant advances on him. He didn’t want anyone else but you. Wonwoo had seen how depressed Jihoon was and took pity on him, letting everything that happened between the two of them that night go. You threw yourself into ball planning which was ironic considering you likely wouldn’t even be attending anymore and Jihoon spent more time editing in the broadcasting room, only being pulled out by his friends. 

You had all but stopped hanging out with all your “friends”, only working with them for the ball because you had to. Everything felt like a blur. You had confronted Jennie shortly after the night of the party, her only excuse being “I was doing you a favor.” Maybe in some way she really was, just not in the way she intended. Your relationship with Jihoon may have started out as a fake one but now your feelings were real and you needed to stop before they destroyed you both.

When the night of the ball came around, you found yourself in your dorm room with no date and crying once again. The dress you had picked out long ago to match the tux you had helped Jihoon pick out was hung on the back of your door, mocking you. Maybe you should go by yourself, it would be weird if the planner herself didn’t attend. You brushed the tears from your cheeks and shook your head. That was enough of that, crying and feeling sorry for yourself wouldn’t change anything.

Then your phone rang. “Hello?” you answered.

“Y/N? Hi,” spoke a voice that was vaguely familiar but not one you’d heard over the phone.

“Seungkwan?” you questioned.

“Yeah, it’s Seungkwan. Listen, I know you probably don’t have a date to the ball anymore and I think it would be a shame if you couldn’t go. You deserve to see your event finished so, how about I take you?” Seungkwan said.

For the first time since the night of the party, a genuine smile crossed your face. Seungkwan had always been the sweetest person you’d known, even after you all had parted ways as kids. “I’d like that,” you responded.

“Okay, cool. I can come pick you up in an hour. Will that be enough time to get ready?” he asked 

“Sure, see you soon,” you said, hanging up the phone and scrambling to start getting ready. That gave you an answer to your earlier thoughts of just going to the ball by yourself. You were much happier going with Seungkwan, someone you knew you’d have some fun with. You pulled your dress from where you had been glaring at it earlier, glad that it was no longer going to waste. You grabbed shoes that went with it from your closet and got ready as efficiently as you could.

You were smoothing out the bottom of your dress and making sure the last strands of your hair were in place when one of your dorm mates called up the stairs to let you know Seungkwan was there. You picked up the light sweater and small purse you had set out on a chair and walked down the stairs to meet Seungkwan. 

He smiled as he spotted you and said, “You look great.”

“Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself,” you said back. His simple black tuxedo made him look handsome. You reached the bottom of the stairs and he pulled something out from behind his back, showing it to you.

“It was short notice, but this is for you,” Seungkwan said, holding out a pretty wrist corsage. 

You let out a pleased laugh and held out your wrist so that he could slip it on, the white rose simple but pretty. “Thank you, that was sweet of you.” 

“Of course, I can't let my best girl feel left out,” he said with a chuckle. 

Immediately you were thankful for at least one good thing that came out of all of this. You had a good friend in Seungkwan once again. “Let’s go,” you said and you headed to the dance.

Walking in the doors of the venue you rented, you took in everything. Seungkwan was right, you shouldn’t miss how everything you planned had come together. From the centerpieces on the tables to the twinkle lights winding around the beams in the ceiling, everything you had imagined and planned out. It looked perfect. There was only one thing missing, but there was nothing you could do about that anymore.

You and Seungkwan sat down for a little while at one of the tables, talking about different things and people watching before he asked you to dance. He got up from his seat, holding out his hand for you to take. You took it and he led you to the dance floor. Stopping at an empty spot toward the edge, he placed his hands on your back and you wrapped your arms around his neck. You began swaying to the music the DJ was playing. It was nice and comfortable but of course, it was only platonic with Seungkwan.

“Jihoon really likes you, you know,” he said eventually. You sighed, knowing this topic would come up eventually. Seungkwan cared about both of you. “And I know you like him too.” He continued, recounting how bleak the two of you had been in the past weeks.

“I know Seungkwan, but everything is all messed up now,” you said. 

“Well, now is your chance to fix it,” he suddenly said, looking up at something or rather someone.

“What?” you asked, confused.

“May I cut in?” A voice asked from behind you. You let out a small gasp. Jihoon?

Seungkwan’s hands left your back and he pressed a light kiss to your cheek, leaving you and Jihoon on the dance floor. You looked at Jihoon. He was wearing the tuxedo you picked out to match your dress and looked as handsome as ever. He approached you, gently placing his hands around your waist and you let your hands rest at the nape of his neck. Your fingers lightly brushed at the ends of his shaggy hair that you liked so much.

You danced a bit to the slow song that was on before you broke the tension between the two of you. “Why are you here, Jihoon?” you asked.

“Because I missed you. God, I missed you so much,” he blurted, pulling you closer to him. Your heart panged at his words. You missed him too and you knew that you didn’t want to pretend your feelings for him didn’t exist. 

“I missed you too,” you murmured.

“I’m so sorry about what happened with Jennie. I swear she tricked me but that’s not what matters. I like you, Y/N. I think I’ve always liked you, before everything got so messed up.” He was on a roll now, telling you all that was on his mind and everything he should have told you from the beginning when you both agreed to that stupid fake dating plan.

Your face broke out into a grin. “I like you, too.” Jihoon must have been holding his breath, because he let out a rush of air in relief at your response. “I asked Jennie why she did what she did and she told me she was doing us a favor. I guess in some way, she really did.”

Then Jihoon reached out a hand to cup your cheek, his eyes looking into yours before he leaned forward to press his lips against yours. There were no fireworks, but something much better as you kissed him back. Warmth. A warmth that radiated through your entire body and you couldn’t have imagined anything better. 

You broke away after a few minutes, becoming aware that several eyes were on the two of you. Specifically the eyes of Jennie, Johnny, Mark, Miyeon, and a few of the others. “Who are we making jealous now, Jihoon?” you laughed.

“Everyone,” was his response and he kissed you again, making everything around you disappear. 

“Wanna get out of here?” you asked.

“I have just the place in mind,” he answered, cheekily and the two of you left hand in hand.

After the dance, you came bursting through the gate to Jihoon’s backyard, giggling like you were little kids again. The only difference was now Jihoon kept pausing to kiss you every few minutes as he led you to the treehouse. He pulled you with him up the ladder and into the familiar house. Except that instead of just the pillows and the small table that you remember being there before, there were blankets and lit candles set out in the corners.

“Did you plan this?” you asked, suspicious.

“I had hoped?” he responded, innocently. 

You shook your head, “You’re lucky I like you.”

“I am very lucky.”

“If I knew you were going to be this cheesy-” He cut you off with another kiss and led you over to the blankets that were laid out in the middle of the wooden floor. He sat down, pulling you to sit with him. He initiated a make-out session that began innocently but was now starting to get heated. He leaned backward, laying back against the blankets and making you lay on top of him.

His kisses moved to your jaw and to your collarbone making you let out a gasp and thread your hands through his dark locks. All the pent-up feelings and chemistry that had built up between you was finally reaching a breaking point, in your childhood hangout no less. Your hands made work with his clothes, taking off his jacket and working on the buttons of his shirt. He pulled the straps of your dress down your shoulders when you finally managed to rid him of the annoying button-down.

To make it easier for him, you straightened your back so he could pull the entire thing up and over your head. You were left in just your underwear and Jihoon paused to look at you before taking off his dress pants. “You are gorgeous,” he whispered, pressing light kisses to your shoulders. You closed your eyes, reveling in the feeling of being loved on by him.

Soon you both had been rid of all remaining garments, leaving you completely naked and hands roaming each other's bodies. Jihoon’s length pressed against your thighs, making you moan at the skin contact and buck against him. He hissed in pleasure and bit his lip, the action increasing the arousal at your core. He moved to grind his head against your sensitive nub and you let out a whine. 

After a few minutes of that, you couldn’t stand it anymore. You needed him inside you. “Jihoon…” you breathed out.

“Yes?” he asked.

“Please,” you whimpered.

He reached over to his discarded pants to get the little foil packet from the pocket. He opened it and slid the condom over his cock with a hiss. He steaded your hips and ran his length through your folds a few times before he slowly slid into you, letting you adjust to his size.

“Fuck,” he let out a groan as your heat engulfed him. He began moving slowly within you. Your sacred childhood treehouse was now filled with lewd slaps of skin against skin and moans filled with pleasure. You established a rhythm that had you both slowly chasing your highs together. Your moans had turned to mewls as the coil in the pit of your stomach was stretching to its limit. 

“I’m close, Ji,” you whimpered. The use of Jihoon’s nickname drove him to the edge as well and he pumped into you that much harder. The coil snapped and you orgasmed, hard enough that your thighs shook. Your walls contracting around him made Jihoon hit his high as well. His hips stilled and he let out a groan, emptying his seed into the condom.

He slowly pulled out of you and you both collapsed next to each other on the blankets with heaving breaths. After a few minutes and your breathing had returned to normal, Jihoon turned to look at you, his head resting on his shoulder. “So, frienemies?” he asked with a chuckle. 

You reached out and smacked him in the chest. “Jihoon!”

“Ouch, I’m kidding. I know we are more than that. So much more than that,” he said, tugging you closer to him and leaving a kiss on your forehead. 

“Yes, absolutely more than that,” you agreed. Jihoon drove you crazy, but you came to the conclusion that you didn’t want it any other way.

©️wooahaeproductions

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[velvetvexations]

Baffling that that person truly cant understand what the socialization post is saying- the whole point is that male/female socialization is something that other people inflict upon you, absolutely nothing to do with your actual identity or internal experience. It's very clear that her only problem with it is exactly the problem the post brings up, that it hurts her feelings and makes her feel dysphoric to think about the world thinking of her as a man at any point, and therefore she not only doesn't want to hear about it, but also everyone else should structure their conversations and analyses of gender and society around her personal discomfort. Some things are uncomfortable to say, and uncomfortable to hear, and that doesn't make them not worth saying/hearing, or strip away their very real value.

Simply, someone who did not grow up with the expectations of male socialization from their peers, family, and society, would not have had any of the struggles she is describing due to the fact that that person is actually a woman. If the world around her were not trying to socialize her as a man -which is what "male socialization" is- she would not have struggled in expressing herself as a woman in the way that she very much did. The concept of socialization is not against her or her experiences, it is a valuable tool for explaining why those things happened to her and why she felt the way she did.

It's baffling the way that people's personal discomfort will prevent them from using tools and concepts that are directly beneficial to them because those tools and concepts use one word that feels hurtful to apply to oneself.

I don't feel good calling myself socialized as my agab either! I don't like associating myself with my agab ever! It's deeply uncomfortable! But it is undeniable and a foundational aspect of my oppression that the world sees and saw me that way and formed expectations and rules for me based on that. It is imperative to acknowledge that greater society sees me as my agab, not my gender, and that is why they mistreat me, because that is the reality of the situation. I am still my gender, I am still me outside of those expectations and mistreatments, I am still valid. Those things still happened anyway.

You haven’t even fully answered the ask yet but man, having you say I put anything really well in it is such an ego boost fr

It's a great fucking ask, anon. I don't really have anything to add, it's a work of art, except that it fit better prior to my being fully convinced she was intentionally playing dumb. Ah, well, it's still a crucial lesson for others.

[possiblyunhinged]

The mere mention of identity politics makes everyone’s spine stiffen—left, right, middle, whatever. Both sides argue that the other’s gripes are unfounded. Very helpful. Very progressive. Very… Twitter.

Much like the word "woke," identity politics has been kidnapped, beaten up by the right, dressed in clown shoes, and paraded around as a cautionary tale. The left, naturally, responds by shrieking louder, flailing its arms, and punching itself in the face. But here’s the kicker: you can’t understand systemic prejudice without looking through the lens of identity. Equally, looking at it without understanding how capitalism sustains that oppression is just as nonsensical.

Take Luigi Mangione. Some left-leaning commentators have decided he’s only being fawned over because he’s a handsome white guy. Sure, fair. Privilege is a hell of a drug. And let’s be honest—if he looked like Boris Johnson, would my friends and I be sharing pictures of him in that cunty orange jumpsuit? Absolutely not.

But let’s not skip over the fact that this might also be the first time in decades that people have collectively agreed the U.S. healthcare system is more criminal than your average cartel. Mangione’s case has sparked wider conversations about how shamelessly the media and politicians protect their billionaire donors—while the rest of us have to grin and bear the cost-of-living crisis and the slow-motion collapse of our quality of life. Elon Musk, for example, isn’t worried about solving world hunger—unless it’s the million children he’s fathered out of wedlock. Very traditional. Much man.

This is one of those rare moments when class consciousness kicked down the door, barged into the conversation, and shouted: “Where have you been, dickheads?” And we should be listening. Classism is the vessel of systemic prejudice. It’s the golden goose that keeps laying eggs for the rich while the rest of us scramble over the shells.

Mangione’s privilege? Sure, it’s skewing the narrative—no denying that. But suggesting it’s the only reason people empathise with him is reductive at best and utterly clueless at worst. Maybe folks are just sick of billionaires treating us like extras in their dystopian fanfiction. Just a thought.

In the UK, the top 20% owns 63% of the country’s wealth, while the bottom 20% owns a paltry 0.5%. That’s not even enough to fill a trolley at Lidl. And yet, middle-class progressives sip their oat lattes and wax lyrical about privilege as if they aren’t sitting on a cushy safety net. I was born into a working-class family that fell into poverty when I was ten. Watching white, middle-class folks treat identity politics like gospel while ignoring class is like watching someone lecture you on drowning while standing in a lifeboat.

Classism is why kids from disadvantaged backgrounds are 19 months behind their peers by the time they finish school. It’s why 3.6 million children lived in absolute poverty last year. And it’s why those problems remain immovable—because fixing them would mean looking in the mirror. And let’s face it, blaming the "other" is much easier than self-reflection.

Dreaming of abolishing capitalism in the UK feels delusional. Especially when billionaires like Elon Musk are playing the world’s loudest violin, painting progressivism as socialism to protect their wallets. Musk isn’t doing this because he’s a genius. He’s doing it because he’s a hollow man with a God complex and unresolved daddy issues. But I digress.

Capitalism thrives on division. Nothing oils the machine faster than convincing us to turn on each other. And look, I get it—understanding identity-based oppression is vital. But when it devolves into a pissy shouting match? It’s just white noise. No learning. No change. Just people screaming into the void.

Surviving as a working-class person in a capitalist economy is engineered to break you. Now add some self-important pundit on telly wagging their finger at you for not being progressive enough. What do you get? Rage. Exhaustion. Division. If I hadn’t been so socially disconnected from the kids I grew up with—thanks, undiagnosed autism—I might’ve followed the same far-right pipeline they did. Why? Because they had fuck-all, and society kept telling them they were the problem.

My single mum didn’t have time to be an activist. She was too busy working three jobs, clutching her mental health by the throat, and keeping a roof over our heads. That exhaustion is the whole point. The system is designed to keep you too knackered to fight back.

You can’t separate identity struggles from class struggles. But ignoring class entirely? That’s how we end up here, with riots in the streets and Farage clones stoking the flames. Those riots weren’t populated by middle-class Foxes or Robinsons. They were predominantly white, working-class people. Why? Because class disparities breed discontent, and that discontent gets weaponised by the rich to keep us fighting each other instead of them. It’s the oldest trick in the book.

If we addressed class disparities—if we dragged billionaires kicking and screaming out of politics—it’d become painfully clear how class has been the boot on everyone’s neck. Instead, we squabble and point fingers while the top 1% buys up everything, including your grandma’s bungalow. This is no accident.

Politicians haven’t failed us. They’ve done exactly what they were built to do: oppress the majority, enrich the ruling class, and keep the boot shiny. By cutting class consciousness out of discussions on racism, sexism, and transphobia, we’re missing the plot.

[gay-otlc]

(no sure if my previous message got sent so i’ll just retype a shorter version here)

Hey, I saw that you hid/deleted my comments and blocked me, so I want to apologise if my arguments came as too harsh or agressive. I did not mean to hurt you and I mean you no harm. I was just really upset that agreeing with an anti sexist rhetoric caused me to be called transphobic when this is something I am completely against. Not sure you read every replies I wrote because I was also discussing with other folks in the section but I was saying that even if Terfs may use that rhetoric against trans people, we shouldn’t give it to them and allow them to reclaim it.

Your argument can be turned around by saying that on the other hand, both trans men and trans women can be victims of misogyny based on how they are perceived and can suffer from sexist violence. The bear thing is purposely exaggerated and extreme because its point is to catch attention and to be shocking. Of course it can lead to deeper conversations and reflections later on, but the priority is to point out sexism and violence against women. At the moment, men are the oppressor, since our society is patriarchal, and women are oppressed. Asking women to stop hating or fearing their oppressor will do nothing to help them stop being oppressed. I understand your sentiments and it’s great that you are fighting for trans people to not end up with that rhetoric used against them. But this was not the idea behind the original topic. Of course we can open up a discussion about this but it shouldn’t be overstepping on women’s attempts to denounce what they go through. Terfs are terrible people and will hide behind feminist arguments but we can’t let them reclaim all of these arguments and let them turn them into transphobic ideas because we would be giving them what they want by letting them become some spokesperson for feminism. Most women who agreed with the bear thing were not carrying any ill sentiment against trans people. Because that wasn’t what the topic was about. But I appreciate that you added another post and explained yourself more, and I am sorry that the discussion became a heated argument and that I got a bit too emotional.

I wish you well and hope you have a nice day.

I don't think I got your previous message (Unless you were this person? But you're a lot politer than them so I'm going to guess not)

I was also very upset at the time, which was definitely hindering my ability to have a productive conversation with you. I apologize for that.

To be clear, again, I don't think saying "bear" makes you as an individual transphobic- just that the sort of rhetoric present in the "man vs bear" discussion is very similar to the rhetoric that gets used against trans people.

I fully agree with the idea that too many women, and too many people in general, have been victims of violence from men. That it's horrible for so many people to have been traumatized in such a way that they don't feel safe around men. My problem is that this conversation frames men* as the worst possible threat. Not everyone who says "bear" feels this way, but a majority of them do

*or really, people who are presumed to be men based on appearance, because no one is going around asking strangers "excuse me, what's your gender identity?" before they decide whether or not they feel safe

even if Terfs may use that rhetoric against trans people, we shouldn’t give it to them and allow them to reclaim it

The thing is, this perception of men (or "men") as the ultimate threat isn't something we are "giving to" TERFs- it is already a foundational part of their beliefs. You can read further about some common TERF talking points here.

Your argument can be turned around by saying that on the other hand, both trans men and trans women can be victims of misogyny based on how they are perceived and can suffer from sexist violence

Yes! Absolutely! Both trans men and trans women, as well as other sorts of trans people, very much do suffer from sexist violence, and this might cause them to feel unsafe around (people they perceive to be) men just like many cis women do.

That doesn't contradict my point that trans people also suffer from anti-man rhetoric.

Of course it can lead to deeper conversations and reflections later on, but the priority is to point out sexism and violence against women.

Pointing out sexism and violence against women is absolutely an important thing! I do think it can be done without treating men/people perceived as men as inherently dangerous though.

Asking women to stop hating or fearing their oppressor will do nothing to help them stop being oppressed.

Obviously we shouldn't stop fighting misogyny because everything will be solved if women just stop hating men, or anything. But I do still want women to stop hating men. "Misandry, as I see it, can never reliably be prevented from collapsing into transphobia." (Not "misandry" as in a form of systemic oppression equivalent to misogyny, but as in the literal "hatred of men.")

Most women who agreed with the bear thing were not carrying any ill sentiment against trans people. Because that wasn’t what the topic was about

Even if the topic wasn't directly about transphobia- "man vs bear" is closely related to the belief that men/perceived as men are the worst possible danger, which is closely related to transphobia.

I don't think all women who say "bear" are transphobic, consciously or even unconsciously, or that they need to change their answer or else they hate trans people.

However, I don't think it's unreasonable to act people to reflect on their internal biases, and on how the way they perceive men may relate to transphobia.

Thank you for the chance to have a civil conversation about this, I wish you well too

[uncle-fruity]

There are probably a lot of people who think they've won an argument or "got me" because I don't tend to respond when people try to argue with me online.

I used to be online arguing with people all the time. I still like to post about things that get me fired up, though I'm less likely to go all-in on a conversation unless it really seems like the person I'm talking to is capable of reasonable conversation. (And even then I sometimes forget or don't have time to respond.) I prefer to say my piece on my own terms and if another person chimes in to clown, I'm usually just not having it. I have a couple reasons for this.

It's miserable arguing with people all day. It's a traumatic thing for me, because my family was always arguing and fighting and bullying people around them all the time. I was trying not to be like them, trying not to catch their ire, trying to just be a little guy who liked nature and who read books and who generally stayed out of sight as much as I could when they were in a bad mood. And, of course, sometimes I was forced to fight back or speak up or argue with them even though I did my best not to. I have completely cut that part of my family out of my life. So to then go online and pick fights or trade insults and get myself so angry my heart is racing just feels counterproductive and negating all the hard work I went through to get away from those people. I was a worse person for it, and I have no desire to be that negative force unless it is truly important. Targeted anger is better than constant raging. And I'm sorry, but online interactions are just not where I should be spending my spoons.

I remember where I was emotionally when my worldview radically shifted, and a lot of the people looking to argue are repeating the same unhealthy habits that I once had. Arguing as self harm. Arguing as a way to establish yourself amongst the chaos and horror that is the State of Things These Days, What With All the Oppression and Suffering and Profit Hungry Power Grabs. Arguing to prove to yourself that you're doing something -- even something small -- to rail against the system & the culture of hatred. Arguing because people push your buttons and you feel the need to defend the things and the people that you love. Arguing yourself ragged until you have no energy or joy for anything that actually matters. ... I am not going to be the person who enables that kind of thing for someone else, if I can help it. I know it won't stop them from arguing until they realize it for themselves, but they'll have each other to insult and dehumanize. I don't have to stick around to see how it plays out.

Relatedly, I have more stuff to focus on offline that matter more than arguing my right to exist and define myself. If I use all my spoons getting into the material reality of transgender people existing & being worthy of existing, then I won't have enough energy to organize a queer community art group. I won't have energy to write and work on my comics. I won't have time to make kissy faces at my partner and my cats. I won't have time to try out new recipes to share with my friends. I would be foolish to spend my time countering bullshit in my notifications, because the people who matter most already agree with me on the important things, or at least have good discussions with me when we disagree. I already lost a handful of years to internet/social media based depression & anxiety. I don't want to go back.

It feels dehumanizing. People hurl insults that are barely even related to you based on their own weird stereotypes cooked up on whatever corner of the internet they live on. It can't even get a rise out of me because it's just... not relevant to anything about me. Like "insulting my intelligence for being blonde, except I have black hair" kind of obviously not about me (& not even based in fact to begin with even if I did qualify). What is the point of talking to someone like that? Why validate their thirst to argue when all they have to offer is Fox News levels of misinformation and a vitriolic attitude? Or when people insist you don't understand your experiences as well as they do when you *know* that they only know you as the small square image of a man with a raspberry head against a pink background who represents a stereotype they want to reinforce to prove a half-baked theory they've come up with about how you exist in society. They'll use academic (and pseudo academic) terms and categories to refer to you without ever even learning your name. And then they say they're the ones fighting for justice and who are the morally superior ones. They are fooling themselves, and I think many of them never see other users as anything more than a collection of pixels & a cog in the machine. But we are all complex humans with intricate lives and most of us are just trying to get by in a harsh world. The extent of human experience is vast and probably beyond the scope of understanding & learning for most people. If we are to get along and build a better world, then we have to approach each other with grace and be committed to community and lifting each other up and hearing each other out with a baseline respect. If we want justice for everyone, then we cannot afford to tear each other down. If that's not the goal, then our goals aren't aligned & it's not worth my time to convince randos from the internet. It is much easier to connect with someone and see them as a full person offline. It is better to have important conversations where there are stakes and meaningful connections that have already been established. It is harder to insist on a stereotype when the person you are face to face with clearly defies it. When humanity is established, it's a lot harder to write off the person you're arguing with.

And, finally, the one that maybe is a little paranoid/least grounded in hard evidence or fact or reason, but I think a fair precaution considering The Real Challenges and Horrors of Historical Civil Rights Movements. I learned about COINTELPRO at some point in my 20s. I also grew up at a time when you weren't supposed to tell people who you really were online & so much of your data wasn't connected to every website you joined, so you could pretend to be anyone if you wanted to. I pretended to be a 15-year-old boy named James when I was 12 and role-playing with people. I like that Tumblr doesn't demand as much identifying information because I'm more comfortable that way, though the information I *do* share is true these days. But I guess what I'm saying is that you *can* pretend to be just anyone on Tumblr if you want to. I *know* that there is historical precedence for infiltration of a group of marginalized folks fighting for their rights and sowing discourse and distrust to weaken the movement. So if the only thing a person is bringing to the table is bad faith logicfucked bullshit designed to push our buttons, I'm just going to assume that's a fed. That's someone I do not need to entertain or embrace as a peer. And usually I reason with myself that it's just a real person with a much different and oppositional worldview to mine. But as far as I'm concerned, that's just carelessly helping the feds and I'm not about that life. That's why I tend to block anyone who's really toxic or dismissive & stubbornly misinformed. We don't need that.

And then there are good faith discussions I have from time to time that are actually decent. There are times when I wish I had more energy to properly educate people and gather sources of all the things I've read and learned about. Most of the time, I "abandon" those conversations because I get overwhelmed with tasks & completely forget to respond or follow up. Those are the ones I regret not answering properly, but the point about needing the spoons for things offline still holds. I'm just not a very active user outside of casual reblogs and a comment or two here and there.

Anyway, I guess this isn't about anything or anyone in particular. I was just thinking about it & figured I'd share my mindset with the Tumblr void. And to encourage folks to really consider who you're arguing with and why you're arguing and if the arguing serves the goals you're working towards more than something else you could put that energy into. I'm not saying to never get into it & I assume people's tolerance for it is higher than mine, but I am saying that you should think about when and why you argue. I am definitely saying that it's good to have clear boundaries that you will hold yourself to. This stuff can get toxic and destroy your health something fierce. Be careful out here.

[chemicalarospec]

Being white/East Asian is supposed to be the easy mixed-race combination because Whasians are all so exotic and beautiful, I want a Whasian baby (EW) and Asian is barely a race, so you're basically white (gross racist) and you're light-skinned, and depending on who you're speaking to, white-passing, so obviously you don't experience any real discrimination or oppression (having it easier does not mean nothing hurts us). But instead white people are comfortable saying the weirdest shit around and to you, forcing you to remember there's a gap between you and your friends, and you're not white at all, no matter what everyone tells you (so that's why you get upset at generalizations about white people that aren't true for you... they are true for real white people); but don't you dare make the mistake of thinking you're Asian at all, you fetish baby, you faker, you wannabe (when I was a kid I wanted to dye my hair black so I'd fit in with the girls on the Chinese songs DVD we watched); any time anyone, especially someone dark-skinned ("Black people can't be racist"), says something insensitive to you, only your closest allies (if you have any) will take it seriously (just like with other Asians, but people have more options for you); everybody fucking loves making racist jokes at East Asians "but it's fine because I'm Asian" and you're the only one uncomfortable because you're the only one actually interested in not dividing people based on race, and it seems like you're the only one who (and whose parent) actively doesn't fit the stereotypes (also child abuse ISN'T FUNNY); some monoracial East Asians are waiting every day to throw rocks at you because of your "proximity to whiteness," and they trash the modicums of representation you get as "prioritizing white features" and "worshiping whiteness"; your faves "only got famous out of other Asians because they're closer to white" which might be a little true but not as much as people like to throw rocks for it, making you feel like you're part of the problem for liking them, for liking people like you more than people not like you; and even other Whasians aren't racially conscious half the time so you can't even have conversations about this with them. In fact, there's so many different ways for us to understand our identity that I bet there's another Whasian reading this right now and getting irritated that I'm presenting my own experiences as universal. In-fact-in-fact, I was thinking of a Whasian friend who does the racist Asian jokes thing -- because their mom does fit them. See? Whasian community and identity can only be found for the briefest of moments before all of these fucking Societal Forces tear us apart from inside and out. I'm nobody. I'm not white and I'm not not-white. If I can't "check all that apply", I'm just "mixed-race", just a swirly goop that could be anything, a group so insignificant in our smallness even when we're not that small. I am white AND I am Asian. Just let me live.

[piqued-curiosity]

I’m in awe at how eloquently and succinctly you answered all those asks that eagleflightdraw clown kept sending you! It’s crazy how tif’s fight so hard to convince themselves that they’re men to the point where they end up bootlicking their own oppressors. I feel bad for her at a certain extent, but it seems that she’s so caught up in wanting to be a man that she’s completely lost sight of what the goal of feminism is. I think the saddest part of all is that this girl is sending you ask after ask defending men, but those same men wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire. You NEVER see men defend women the way women (libfems mainly) defend men and it’s actually baffling that they don’t see that. Anyway, I loved all of your responses! Keep it up! 🩷

Thank you, that means a lot! 💕

I’m glad she was respectful, but she displayed such a typical misunderstanding of feminism and how sex-based oppression works. I say typical, because I see the same attitude in many TIFs. From what I’ve seen, it looks like what’s happening is a disconnect between their ideology and reality that they have to desperately explain away. They know feminism benefits them, because they know they’re affected by things like abortion and contraception restriction (I’m using that example a lot because this same conversation came up a lot last year when the US overruled Roe V Wade, so it’s an easy example). But they also want to believe they’re men, so they have to make the claim that “feminism is for everyone, including men” to make themselves feel like the reason they are benefited by feminism isn’t because they’re female, but because they’re men and feminism is for men too.

The easier solution would be for them to go back to how the trans movement started, which was acknowledging the difference between sex and identity. That way, they could put aside their personal identity for the sake of feminist action and understand that in this fight, they’re in it as female people, not as “men”. But modern trans people are incredibly selfish and entitled, which is why we see the conversation shifting to “here’s how we accommodate trans identities!” Anytime we try to speak on an important feminist subject. Again with the Roe V Wade situation, the trans community was more concerned with how to use gender inclusive language than how to actually solve the problem.

In short, it’s a result of members of the trans community being so wrapped up in their personal identity that they expect everyone else to revolve everything around said identity. And that they try to bend everything around them to fit their identity (“feminism is for men too, because I’m a man who’s pregnant and needs proper care!”), instead of understanding that their gender identity is not the most important thing at all times.

It reminds me a lot of how it feels to speak to religious people, who have a very hard time seeing outside their worldview. The way that TRAs are so quick to scoff at the mere idea of saying “trans women are men, trans men are women”, reminds me of how quick religious people are to scoff at somebody saying “I don’t believe in god”. And the follow-up is always an astonished “so what do you believe, if not my belief?”, as if they can’t even comprehend the idea of somebody not operating within their own ideology.

And like you said, it’s sad to see women go out of their way to defend men when we all know that men would never think to do the same for them. I was thinking that the whole time I was reading her asks…seeing her bring up problems men face (that were off-topic and not related to misogynistic sex-based oppression and feminism, as well as often being problems caused by men themselves), and thinking to myself “wow, men are never so quick to talk about problems women face, and when they are, other men assume they’re just doing it to get feminists to date and/or sleep with them”.

I don’t really blame her though, because like I said, thinking like this about feminism is really the only way to logically uphold her false identity. If she accepts that feminism is for/about women and that women experience sex-based oppression, she’d be forced to see that she herself falls under the category of woman. And that would just be the worst thing in the world.

[tittyinfinity]

Just watched Barbie for the first time. I way over-analyze shit, but here's my review I suppose

I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be. I didn't seem to find that "spark" that other people found. The advertising pushed HARD that it would be a groundbreaking movie, and I feel like it may have put a bit of a placebo affect onto some of the people who praised it. But that's based on my biased opinion.

I think that maybe the reason I didn't enjoy it as much is because I've already spent so many years thinking about how the patriarchy works and how to dismantle it, and I'm always thinking about what my purpose is and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I do see how it could be meaningful for people who don't have the time to sit around and think about this kind of stuff like I do.

While yes, the movie is correct that in the real world, women are always expected to be perfect at the expense of the patriarchy, it seemed to do so in a very shallow way that involved throwing around buzzwords and stereotypes. "Women's oppression" was only linked to how the worst types of men treat them and nothing else. Their example of "patriarchy" was limited to "men are the ones in power and they all treat women like shit." There wasn't much discussion past that point. When the young girl, Sasha, brings up that a capitalistic society is also what's causing pressure on women, she follows it up by calling Barbie a "fascist," causing her to cry, which to me, looked like they were making a joke out of how "people who critique capitalism always take it way too far." After that, there is no discussion as to how patriarchy and capitalism are connected, it just cuts to "men are stupid airheads who don't know how to do anything other than sexually harass women and boss them around."

I feel like you can't approach conversations about the way women are oppressed without talking about how it's also linked directly to capitalism. Clothing advertisements, weight loss ads, only seeing certain types of people being represented in media, pay gaps, "the pink tax," etc. It's not just limited to "men are shitty to women." And yes, men are a major reason as to why these problems related to capitalism exist in the first place, but capitalism is ultimately the biggest threat to women and women's rights.

But they wouldn't be able to dive that far into those kinds of discussions in that movie, because the whole thing was just a fucking advertisement for toys that used feminism as a crutch.

Anyway. 3/5 stars. It was still funny and entertaining.

[melinatsalikis]

QCQ - Installation Art (Chapter Four + Conclusion)

"Everything about installation art's structure and modus operandi repeatedly valorises the viewer's first-hand presence...Perhaps more precisely, installation art instates the subject as a crucial component of the work..." (Bishop, Page 130)

Earlier this week, I brought up the phrase "If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" when referencing how I feel about my installations. I think that my art works best when people are present because their interactions breathe life into the pieces they are seeing. Having people walk through or touch something I made deepens their understanding of the piece as a presence, and in doing that then hopefully their understanding of its meaning deepens too. I would agree with Bishop that in installation work, the viewer is as much a part of the subject as the actual subject of the work. Hélio Oiticica's work, which Bishop references often, speaks to the subject of political oppression. But it isn't until someone walks through it, bringing with them their life experiences, that the piece transforms and can be about something beyond what Oiticica made it about. The work becomes about the viewer, what meaning they bring to the table, and how their story interacts with the original subject of the work. As a viewer, by being inside the installation, the piece becomes about you.

For my previous QCQ response, I wrote a little bit about how artists can create art with a certain intention and yet there is a big chance that that intention will not be relevant to how viewers respond to the work. I still stand by that, but I would like to point out that it is different from what I am suggesting above in that there are two types of artist intentions/expectations: the first is the emotional or romantic, and the other is the call to a physical action. It is one thing to say that you expect your work to illicit a specific response from people - it truly may not do that. It is another thing entirely to demand that your work be experienced a certain way (for example, walked through). You still face the odds of people not interacting with the work how you intended, but at least the groundwork is there for the potential of them doing so in a meaningful way. Here, the difference between the two is the openness to a unique emotional response from someone versus trying to make someone feel something. I am reminded of Bruce Nauman and his ideas on viewer participation and agency. To bring up another well-worn -ism: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

How does the "need" for audience interaction affect how non-sculptural/installation based artists create their work? Can drawing and painting be included in these conversations or do they (unfortunately) get excluded and placed in their own category?

[hakkiest]

yeah, that makes sense! masculinity isn't an inherently marginalizing factor in itself in the way that femininity is, because of the more rigid and harmful roles and prejudices associated with femininity, but masculinity can factor heavily other forms of marginalization against someone who doesn't fit properly (i.e. anyone perceived as not being a cishet white abled upper class man). masculinity remains an important part of these identities, but it doesn't have the same kind of baggage. i see it less as a 'disguise' for other prejudices, and more as a sort of hypocritical self-justification: toxic masculinity is emphasized against more acceptable targets, used to punish people Othered by society. it's not that toxic masculinity is a smokescreen for the Real reason for oppression, it's that it's a useful way to demonize 'deviant' kinds of perceived masculinity.

i think the thing is that intersectionality is really important when you look at oppression and its roots, and toxic masculinity is a part of the hatred that forms those prejudices. it's not that bigots hate masc queer men for being queer, not masc - both of those aspects of the target's perceived identity work together to drive the hate directed at them. (you'll notice i use the word perceived a lot - that's because generally, bigotry is less motivated by who you are and more by what the bigot thinks you are. look at how toxic masculinity is weaponized against transfems to paint them as evil invading men: the people affected by that rhetoric usually aren't men, but they're seen as having an inherent 'maleness' that makes the idea of a trans woman in a women's restroom so appalling to bigots).

the point that i'm trying to get to, despite my adhd making me go on so many tangents, is that all the different aspects of one's identity are punished together - masc, gay, trans, etc are grouped up in the mind of an oppressor and the hatred against them will reflect that and be informed by all of these different ideas. let's go back to the example of femme trans men: a lot of the transphobia i've seen directed at them emphasizes painting them as stupid, self-righteous, attention seeking girls who don't understand what they're doing to themselves. this kind of hatred is undeniably based in misogyny, but you can't just say 'it's not because they're feminine, it's because they're trans', when both of those things are a part of it. that's the idea of intersectionality that's being focused on, and the post that sparked this was about how people even in feminist spaces can forget about the little biases that contribute to the whole, and unintentionally harm those around them as a result.

my final aside: yeah, thank you very much for being civil and understanding and all! i think the original people on that post are just too used to bad faith arguments from transphobes and the like, and didn't see past the first red flags. and it's a lot easier to just be uncivil than to try and help each other understand where we're both coming from. but thank you so much for listening, and i'm very happy to have this conversation!

yeah for sure! im a little bit worried abt the post spreading tho, i dont think my first response was all that good and then it got quite shitty from then on. im really not looking forward to it getting notes, but either way thank you for this! feel free to tag the first op on our conversation, they have me blocked but perhaps they'd like to add something in the end. this was very nice tho!

[rametarin]

What a succinct way to put it.

And.. I feel the need to unpack this because, it's really just a different world than it was in the 70s-90s.

So once upon a time, the Wokes of the Era were treating any white person that engaged in any discourse about race like they were members of the evil eugenicist white supremacist empire, and would modify their belligerence and unreasonability based on your heritage.

So how did they do this? Well, look at yourself. If the Nazis were alive today, how next-to-last would they kill you before your not-white neighbors? At this time, the US was more a white majority than now. If the answer is, "I look like the sort of person they might favor, and my pedigree means they may value me in the gene pool," then you were treated as if you were a Nazi, no matter your actual affiliation. Just being a white person meant, "WHITE MAN, OPINION DISCARDED."

It was based on hard race and not "community" or "culture" like it is today. Since, see, the progressives of the era hadn't yet embraced that loophole that let them use race science as a culture or idea while pretending to not be using physical, biological race science. So, if you were all white, they'd be extremely belligerent and start raising their volume during discussions and get progressively more unreasonable.

That brought with it the risk in public of someone shouting down a strawman of you and chiding you for saying slurs or supposedly supporting horrible positions in politics that you absolutely never said, and the social culture at the time was primed so random passerbys could join in and treat you as if you were the monster being ernestly put down and "told off" for that shit they claim you said, that you never said. And then even more newcomers to the conversation listen to the in medias res recap and nod in solidarity at this, "racist" being told off. It didn't matter what the accused was saying, they just had to be a white person for this embarrassing "teachable moment" of having any opinion on anything. But god help you if it was actually a bad opinion.

It was done to ruin reputations, humiliate as well as whip the crowd that in good faith was just trying to make society intolerable to racists, used as a weapon by said Wokes, who'd use it by exploiting that desire to do good by giving the benefit of the doubt to the people that claimed to hate racists, the most.

So people started trying to explain, "If the Nazis came around today, I'd be burning right on those pyres with you! Calm down! I'm not even 100% white. They'd kill me, too! I'm 1/---- [something other than western European.] I'm not a fucking Nazi, my family tree wouldn't let me be anything but dead! Relax!"

So yes it's important to recognize how throwing up your label to protect yourself from reprecussions is shit, but I think we'd also be served well by asking, "Why do they feel compelled to do that?"

It's because Class Struggle Theory among people trying to use the issues of race, sex, gender identity and sexual orientation have always taken the antagonistic attitude that if you are a member of, "the majority," then you don't get to have an opinion or your opinion doesn't matter in the face of the minority's opinion, and that's "social justice." And they aren't above loudly and violently telling you so, in line with their ideological beliefs, which they hide behind a shitty and fake veneer like they're just soooo protective and proactive about defending minorities. Instead of using said minorities and their issues like cover for being an aggro asshole operating less because they care about the downtrodden people and more like each oppressed person is an opportunity to help the concept of the demographic collective, which they DO care about.

@pulluptothebumper

[glittertimes]

I had to create a portfolio with a bunch of my grad school assignments to show that I met the graduation requirements, and there was this whole section on learning theories and I think it’s really changed how I see the world.

We hear all the time that you can’t grow without leaving your comfort zone but it’s not just an inspirational saying it’s actually like scientifically proven.

Constructionist learning theory is based on the idea that learners have to experiment on their own and make mistakes to learn. The key to learning is experiencing that cognitive dissonance between what you already know / believe, and the new ideas that you’re trying to learn. The process of integrating those ideas and deciding whether to change what you believe / know or is actually what we call learning! And I find that so interesting!

I think it also points to how racist and bigoted lawmakers are always trying to ban books that make them uncomfortable, and how classes on ethnic studies or gender studies are often banned. And how there are talks of dismantling the education system. How this avoidance of discomfort and learning literally leads to fascism.

It also makes me think about conservative psychologists like Jonathan hadit and other weirdo boomers who think that gen z and millennials are too soft for being against racism and wanting trigger warnings for heavy topics. Because I think there’s a huge difference between healthy discomfort and cognitive dissonance in learning, and literally making places unsafe and oppressive to marginalized people. Like challenging people’s worldviews does not mean being speakers who advocate for literal eugenics, misogyny, and fascism on campus loll.

I think this idea of learning is also really helpful for trauma healing, because so many of us feel like we know better but we still end up doing things that aren’t in alignment with who we are or what we actually want. But our brains are so complex they can hold what you currently know or believe at the same time as the beliefs or ideas you held as a kid that might be outdated or harmful now.

That’s why when you don’t feel your emotions or acknowledge what happened to you as a kid, it can stay in you and impact your decisions because you haven’t fully integrated what you know yet!

Like if you were made to feel like you weren’t enough as a kid, you might be an overachiever with imposter syndrome and not be able to really celebrate your accomplishments bc you still have this sense of not being enough, even when you have so much evidence to the contrary!

It also makes me think about attachment styles and communication because I’m an anxious-avoidant (disorganized attachment) girly so I just jump between avoidant and anxious behaviors depending on the people around me, and like avoidance is basically running from discomfort, and in turn running from that learning process and from deepening relationships.

And anxious behaviors are about trying to appease discomfort by talking things out and working through the discomfort. But it makes sense as to why it feels like avoidant people don’t really get to know you, because learning about a person really requires uncomfortable conversations and sitting in that discomfort and uncertainty from time to time. Which is terrifying and overwhelming but also so necessary and worth it when you’re with safe people who can hold space for your emotions.

[tirfpikachu]

Does tirf mean trans inclusive radical feminist? If so that’s me too. I wish it felt safer to openly have these kinds of conversations, but I’m already so isolated by disability and trauma among other things that I can’t really afford to be further ostracized in the ways that doing so inevitably leads to. I’m happy to see people like you trying to foster healthy dialogue though

yup i'm a trans inclusive radfem!! i'm really trying to stop the demonization of radical feminism and ease tensions between trans ppl and radfems, and analyze different issues that each group has against the other. it makes my head spin sometimes because there's soooo much conflict but i'm seeing some progress and more and more transmasc ppl are joining, and more transfems are becoming allies and learning more which is really awesome to see!

i'm gonna ramble abt my views for a sec -- so the things that drew me to radical feminism is that a) i wanted to learn more abt The Enemy to combat transphobia, and b) afab-exclusive oppression is a pretty taboo topic in trans spaces bc transfems are positioned as The Most Oppressed. anti-radfem spaces rarely embrace nuance, and it leads to many transmasc ppl belittling their own unique struggles and cis/bio women being seen as inherently more privileged for being born girls in society, which imo is batshit insane. transmisogyny is seen as worse than anti-afab misogyny. i think transphobia is a thing, and unfortunately pretty common. i've faced it when i thought i was transmasc for manyyy years, and it really did harm my mental health and impede my healing journey. but ppl yell transphobia at afab folks talking abt how ALL amab ppl benefit from anti-afab misogyny, aka sex/agab-based oppression. cis women & transmascs can be transmisogynistic, but transfems can very well be afabmisogynistic, or whatever you want to call it... ppl refuse to talk abt that!! they refuse to talk abt how amab upbringing is a privilege too, bc you avoid growing up facing misogyny... which obv is a privilege. if transfems face struggles, it's due to being seen as gnc boys in childhood & teenagehood, unless they transitioned. so yeah, these are things that shouldn't be seen as bigoted in trans & grander lgbtq spaces, but unfortunately they are... and radical feminism is seen as inherently bigoted. i don't like terfism existing bc i do have great respect for trans folks, but i also don't want to shut out terfs bc i want to hear them out and hopefully solve trans-radfem issues. i'm very much against echo chambers, even if some ppl annoy me w their takes. radical feminism tends to be waayyyy more open to peaceful disagreements and i absolutely love that. i really hope people see the good side of radical feminism and more ppl join the movement!

also i totally understand being scared of sharing those views bc you don't want to be shunned out. i'm the same way, i'm veryyyy careful about what i say around my trans friends. the grand majority of my friend group is transmasc nonbinary. though i've found that if i express explicitly trans positive radfem views, without calling it radfem, they tend to agree?? though some just totally shutdown, i think thinking abt their own oppression and agab freaks them out. which is honestly really sad to see. i want to heal afab ppl's misogyny trauma, bc it's so rampant and not talked enough!

anyways it's sooo good to find another tirf in the wild, feel free to DM me to be buddies :] ngl i'm not the best at responding quickly but i do luv making tirf friends, we're a slowly growing lil gang!