#having adhd makes me pay attention to how people focus

[seilon]

love when this is referred to as the gifted kid website. shockingly my mental disorders made me mentally disordered and school never really vibed with that so. couldn’t be me

[caffeinatedopossum]

People without adhd giving advice to people with adhd is just like "have you tried trying??"

And with autism it's like "have you tried sucking all of the joy and happiness out of your life and replacing it with mandated awareness of social constructs??"

[lees-chaotic-brain]

𝙵𝙰𝙺𝙴 𝙵𝚁𝙸𝙴𝙽𝙳 (𝙾𝚂𝙰𝙼𝚄 𝙼𝙸𝚈𝙰 𝚇 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙳𝙴𝚁)

summary: he overhears your friend saying something unkind

wc: 1.5k (oops this was supposed to be a drabble)

cw: mild swearing, reader has adhd, stigma against adhd

haikyuu masterlist | blog navigation

“...What makes you think I wouldn’t lose it? I have the worst case of ADHD anyone has ever seen, you seriously think I’d be able to keep track of it?”

Your lighthearted laughter as you teased your friend floated over the din of the cafe as Osamu entered it, there to pick you up. Unable to tamp down his lovesick smile at the sound of your voice, he immediately perked up when he spotted you and began heading over to where you were sitting with your friends.

You had a little bit of trouble controlling your volume, so he had been able to hear what you were saying earlier, but since then you had gone weirdly quiet. But as he made his way over to you, he became close enough to catch the tail end of what your friend said in response.

“...I mean come on. You can’t just blame everything on your ADHD. Like, when are you going to actually take responsibility for your problems instead of using it as an excuse as if half the population doesn’t have it?”

He didn’t have to see your face to know what your expression looked like. Just like every other time someone said something shitty like that to you, he knew that the hurt would only show on your face for a moment before morphing into a sarcastic and uncaring mask.

“I’m sorry, what?” Your voice had lost its boisterous joy from moments ago, and that alone made him want to storm over there and tear that girl a new one. Unfortunately he was well aware of the fact that you preferred to fight your own battles, and loathed feeling like you needed some man to come in and defend your feelings.

“I’m just saying.” Your friend rolled her eyes. “You’re so put together, and one of the most intelligent people I know. When are you going to stop using your ADHD as an excuse for your terrible work ethic?”

While the first part of what she said sounded deceptively nice, the hidden connotations in the barbed sentence did not go over his head, so it most certainly did not go over yours. Remembering all of the nights he spent holding you as you cried because someone had called you lazy, or told you that you could do it if you just tried, he made a mental note to himself to remind you of how amazing you are every day. As if he didn’t already.

“Wow.” Your voice had taken on a mocking, almost cruel tone. While most people overhearing would think you’re just being really nasty, he knew better. This was how you protected yourself. You pretended you didn’t care and mocked the person for their ignorance, then went home and asked him to hold you until your heart stopped hurting and the voices in your head stopped talking.

You took a slow, leisurely sip of your drink, before slamming the cup back onto the table with more force than necessary. “For someone who claims to have undiagnosed ADHD, you sure don’t know anything about it. Just so you don’t embarrass yourself in the future by spewing more bullshit like this, let me give you a few pieces of information.”

Leaning back in your chair, you began ticking off items on your fingers as you spoke. 

“One. Telling someone with ADHD to “just focus” is like telling a person with glasses to just see better. We want to, but we can’t.” You level a pointed look at her glasses and Osamu notes with satisfaction that her face is beginning to get flushed with embarrassment. You continue.

“Two. A lot of people with ADHD are actually insanely smart. They have to be. People in classes like ours who have ADHD and struggle with paying attention and staying on task need to be intellectually gifted to survive in school. It’s the only way they can keep up. Which brings us to point three.”

The overly sweet smile you give your so-called “friend” tells him that you’re about to say something you’ll regret later, but he can’t bring himself to stop you because anyone who hurt your feelings deserved what was coming for them. If that made him a bad boyfriend then he didn’t really care. He would just comfort you later and tell you that you aren’t a bad person for putting a judgemental asshole in their place.

“Point three: don’t go around telling people that you have undiagnosed ADHD. Like I said before, people with ADHD typically need to be smarter than the others in their class to keep up, especially in an engineering major. Which is exactly why no one is going to believe you. Frankly, you’re just not smart enough. You’re barely hanging on as it is. If you really did have ADHD you would have flunked out by now.”

Checking the time on your phone you gathered your stuff and stood up. “Sorry. My boyfriend is probably here by now. Although, something came up. I think you’ll need to find your own ride back. Sorry.”

Surveying the area where you had sat, you double checked to make sure you had everything, pausing and looking back over your shoulder just as you were about to leave.

“Oh, and by the way.” You shoot her a saccharine smile. “I really appreciate you thinking that I’m really put together. Unlike my intelligence, that’s all an act, so I’m really flattered that you thought that about me. It means a lot.”

With that, you turned and came face to face with your boyfriend's chest, nearly falling on your ass. One of his arms wound around your waist, pulling you against him and keeping you upright while the other snagged your bag and threw it over his shoulder.

“Samu?!” You look up at him in surprise and he just smirks and guides you out of the restaurant. Once you’re in the privacy of his car, you speak again. “...How long were you standing there?”

“Long enough to hear the bullshit she spewed.” You look down, pretending to pick at your nails, but he knows you’re just trying to hide the tears welling in her eyes. 

“I really thought she was my friend.” Your voice is quiet and watery, completely different from the one you used with your friend just seconds ago in the cafe. “Maybe she’s right. I was probably too mean to her. I apologize to her-”

He was going to let you apologize, knowing that nothing he said would take away the guilt clawing at your insides, but then he saw the contact name.

“Her??” He pointed incredulously at the contact name. “The girl in there was her?? The one who was super mean to ya last year? I thought ya said ya weren’t friends with her anymore!”

Flushing, you tilt your phone away from him. “Well, I didn’t want you to worry. She got nicer, I swear.”

His eyes narrow. “Uh-huh. And what she said to ya back there definitely reflects just how much she’s changed.”

With a quick stretch of his arm, he snatched your phone out of your hand and slid it into his pocket, fending you off with one arm as he started the car and pulled out, causing you to cease your physical attempts at reclaiming your phone.

“Osamu Miya!! You give that back!! It’s not up to you who I’m friends with, and whether or not I apologize!”

“I know that.” He mumbles, keeping his eyes on the road. “I just don’t like seeing ya sad. And yer always sad when yer friends with assholes like her.”

“Oh, Samu…” Your voice softens and you take his free hand in your own. “I’ll be okay. Really. Honestly she’s probably trying to help me. She just wants me to fix what’s going on-”

“That’s exactly what I mean!” His knuckles turn white with how tightly he’s gripping the steering wheel, but his grasp of your hand is nothing but gentle. “There’s nothing wrong with ya! She says shit like that and you believe her! Yer perfect the way you are, and I hate that you spend time with people who make you feel less than that! I don’t care who yer friends with. I just want them to treat you well. The way ya deserve.”

You deflate, your grip on his hand tightening and he sees you wiping your eyes out of his peripheral. “I know. I know you're right. Can we just...talk about this later? I just want to be sad right now."

'"Of course we can babe. We don't have to talk about it at all if you don't want to. I'm just not letting you apologize to her because she doesn't deserve it."

You laugh, and the sound does things to his heart. "I love you so much Samu. You know that, right?”

He squeezes your hand tightly, knowing that no matter what, the two of you would be okay because you had each other. “I know. And I love ya a million times more than that.”

taglist: @arlerts-angel @ponderingmoonlight

[kamianya-ttv]

You’re not lazy, you’re neurodivergent:

A post on executive dysfunction, ADHD inattentiveness and hyperfocus, and whatever else occurred to me as related as I originally wrote this for twitter.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably been called lazy by people in your life. But the thing is, there’s almost no-one (if anyone) who’s actually lazy. And I promise you, if you’ve felt guilty because there are things you should be doing and can’t get them done? You are NOT lazy.

I'll get to executive dysfunction, the main focus of this thread in a moment. Because I want to start by talking about ADHD and hyperfocus.

Is it hard for you to pay attention to things you don't enjoy, but can focus for hours on things you do?

Does the world ever disappear to the point you forget to eat/drink while you're working? Can you suddenly get days worth of work done in a short amount of time, but only once it's the last minute, or when you get into the zone? But you don't necessarily have control over getting into that mode?

Hyperfocus

The reason this is related to this thread is that often this is the "proof" that you're lazy. Look, if you're interested you get things done! Look at how much you can do when you "just make yourself" or "just focus"! Clearly you just don't want to do the thing.

I can't tell you how many days I've sat there trying to get into a zone that's eluding me, losing sleep and feeling guilty, just to finally hyperfocus in the final day and pull out a miracle.

But I have ZERO ability to force it (I have tricks! but it's not the same).

Hyperfocus often gets brought up as a "you can't have ADHD, look how focus on the things you enjoy! Look what happens when you do focus!"

But actually, it's a major aspect of inattentive ADHD!

So, that's why hyperfocus matters in this convo.

Now onto Executive Dysfunction.

To start with, a quick note: Executive dysfucntion is not just an ADHD thing. It's an aspect of a lot of different neurodivergencies.

Also, this is primarily from my perspective as a person with ADHD, I'd love to hear your versions of these experiences!)

I like to describe executive dysfunction as "the start button isn't there."

Also, this isn't just for chores or boring things.

Have you ever sat there going "I want to game" but it just never happens?

I sure have!

When you have executive dysfunction, this means that starting tasks can be near impossible. You just can't get yourself to start it. Often, you may sit there staring at the document with the blinking cursor, or looking at the stove, or glancing at the full laundry basket, etc

But again, there's no start button. You just can't do the thing. Which makes it really hard when people tell you to just focus, or that you could do it if you just cared, or that you're just lazy.

Because we want to do the thing! We do!

(I mean, okay, want may be a strong word sometimes, I never WANT to do chores, but it's still not an intentional putting it off. It's more an "I need to do this thing, I know I need to, I want it to be done, but I can't get myself to do it")

Now for me, and many with ADHD, once someone points out you haven't done the thing, or when the deadline comes close, suddenly the start button appears

Which again, people use as proof you totally could have done the thing the whole time.

So clearly you were just lazy & are only doing it cause you got yelled at/prodded/nagged.

But this isn't true, there was no start button!

@adhd-alien has a PERFECT comic on this: https://twitter.com/ADHD_Alien/status/1138475368191598594

Now, we learn tricks to deal with this. Or meds may help.

For me, I find ways to enforce outside deadlines, or I'm more likely to have. a start button for something I'm doing with/for other people.

But ultimately, our brains just don't work the same.

So for someone where the start buttons are always there, who assumes everyone is the same as them, it looks like we're actively making the choice not to hit start.

So they call us lazy, unable to see us desperately trying to hit a button that's just. Not. There.

Now, add on to this all the other comorbidities that come with neurodivergency, we almost never have just one thing. Add on physical disabilities or chronic/invisible illnesses or chronic pain or fatigue.

All of these make it so much harder.

There are SO many things that affect our abilities to get things done.

For example, I had a doctor appointment four days in a row (OT, neurologist, OT, infusion). I also helped schedule an event, and did a stream.

Before MS and chronic pain that would be nothing.

I could have done SO much more, filled my days with getting things done.

Now? I'm spending today on the couch, recovering before my stream tonight.

And I have to fight so much guilt, because I feel like I should be doing more. But my body just CAN'T.

So.

Do you feel guilty, but you just can't start the thing?

Is there no start button?

Are you exhausted and your body is insisting you rest?

There are so many things that affect our ability to do things.

Brains, bodies, the world we live in.

But you're not lazy.

[the-self-indulgent-corner]

Genshin characters x a reader with ADHD!

Summary: Your ADHD is odd, however, your (boy)friend is just as strange, so you think it evens out.

Or, how the genshin characters react to a reader with ADHD. (Ft some lesser known aspects of ADHD)

Featuring: Tighnari, Venti, Xiao & Albedo. Can be read as romantic or platonic.

A/n: it's frankly criminal how few neurodivergent reader content there is out there so here I am.

Disclaimer!! While I do have ADHD nobody’s ADHD is the same, so what might be common for me is something another person has never experienced.

Also I drop some lesser known aspects of ADHD in this post so here’s a general index of what those terms mean. It’s a lot more nuanced than what I’ve written down here but it’ll give you a general idea of the concept!

Index:

Executive dysfunction/ADHD paralysis: Wanting to do your job/work, but it feels like you’re physically unable to.

Food sensory issues/selective eating habits: A lot of people with ADHD are ‘picky eaters’ and refuse to eat certain foods even if it's good for them. Usually we pick foods with high sugar since it causes a ‘dopamine surge’.

Auditory processing disorder (APD): Having difficulty making out what someone is saying or processing what someone said too slowly.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): Being much more sensitive to rejection or perceived rejection.

Verbal stim: Exactly the same as other stims (Like bouncing your leg or clicking a pen) but just with words. Usually being a certain phrase, sentence, or humming. Although any vocalization can be a verbal stim.

Tighnari

Probably the most knowledgeable about this out of everyone on this list.

He knows it's not just 'lose your focus fast' and that ADHD is a lot more nuanced than that but at the same time he isn't an expert on it.

You'll have to explain some things to him, and knowing Tighnari, he'd happily let you tell him.

Mf takes notes. If he gets too excited and overwhelmes you tell him so he'll calm down a little lmao

Downside of him knowing a lot about (your) ADHD is that he knows when you need to cut back on some things.

If you're a very picky eater like me and don't like the taste/texture of healthy food he will literally not allow it LMAO

You'll be eating an excessive amount of sugar and he'll literally snatch whatever is in your hands and tell you to eat something healthy instead. And no, you cannot convince him to give it back to you until further notice.

If you hate the texture of actual healthy food he’ll definitely find an alternative for you to eat no matter how long it takes. You are not getting out of this.

In the nicest way possible… Tighnari is probably a little annoyed about your ADHD sometimes 💀💀💀

He never blames you or gets mad at you because he knows it's not your fault when this does or doesn't happen but he's still a bit miffed about it lmao.

Like when your auditory processing disorder suddenly kicks in and you make him repeat himself ten times. Or how you space out during his lectures.

However, Tighnari is smart so he'd definitely find a way to gain your attention so when he tells you things you can actually pay attention.

He's pretty good at wrangling your executive dysfunction, too (he's used to Collei having similar problems when he's tutoring her). He believes in the work/reward system and he always knows what'll make you actually get up to do what you're supposed to.

Usually by using your current hyper fixation/interests against you LMAO

"Do that assignment/task and I'll take you out to get that merch you've been wanting for over a month."

"YOU WILL!?"

(If you like soft things like his ears, he would absolutely use it as bait for you to do your work also LMAO)

But if it's a really rough day he knows when to dial back on his constant nagging for you to do your work and encourages you to take it easy for the day.

If you're like me and forget things semi-regularly he'd always remind you. Especially if it's an outing/meeting with someone.

(Although, if you're the type of person to get annoyed by it he'll stop/dial it back if you ask.)

You 🤝 Tighnari

Can be overstimulated by loud noises easier than others.

Seriously though you both are at a loud party or something and look over to each other giving each other the 'why are we here? Just to suffer'? Look.

But if either of you are about to/are overstimulated you leave the area with each other to calm down. It's sweet 💖

He was originally a bit annoyed by how easily your mind wandered or how quickly you jumped from topic to topic but got used to it after a while. It even grew on him, he finds it endearing nowadays.

Always loves to hear you talk about your hyper fixation, seeing you so happy makes him happy too.

(And you best believe you'll be listening to that boy's flower talk. You think you know more than most rangers about the flora in Teyvat than they do. He's cute though, and you love hearing him talk about it as well, so really it's a win-win scenario.)

Mean this in the nicest way possible, but.. Tighnari is probably going to make you feel really bad once or twice on accident LMAO

With this tough love nature and your Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria you sometimes can't tell when he's being sarcastic/playful and/or he didn't mean what he said (or simply didn't understand.)

He almost always realizes right away and reassures you he meant no harm, and you believe him, but you're understandably still a bit upset LOL

He always makes it up to you, though <3

And if you ever get mad at yourself about how easily you get upset he's always there to reassure you that it's okay and you shouldn't bash your emotions like that, even if they're irrational.

He's your free therapist /j

Was originally confused when you started verbally stimming around him before you explained that to him as well. As long as it's not unexpectedly loud, he doesn't mind it and if you ever stop for a long period of time he def gets a bit upset 💀 like 'why'd you stop?? Did something happen??'

And if you stim in a way that hurts you he definitely puts a stop to it right away. Usually by offering you alternative ways to stim in ways that don't make you hurt yourself.

He is your mom (boy)friend <3

“I knew it. This place is way too loud for you as well, isn't it? C'mon, let's go out for a bit.”

Venti

"Oh you mean like the thing where you can't sit still?"

Hit him.

But really, Venti doesn’t quite understand what ADHD is all that much. He’s heard the term before but never really cared to figure out what it means. You’ll have to educate him on it before he understands.

Honestly he’s kind of surprised at how much more there is to ADHD than he originally thought. Like damn your brain works against you like that?? You deal with that DAILY?? Damn bitch you live like this? /lh

… But also he unironically kind of finds it funny.

“I can’t believe your brain will go to such lengths to not do work just because it doesn’t like it.”

“Shut up.”

Sorry, but Venti is a tease at heart and he cannot hold himself back. Although, if he sees you genuinely upset by what he said he’ll apologize.

Despite that Venti is actually really good at helping you if you need it. He never gets annoyed if he has to repeat himself a dozen times or if he has to help you get something done, or if he has to calm you down for any reason.

If your ADHD is keeping you from falling asleep Venti always offers to sing you to sleep, it’s up to you if you decide to accept or not. (He’ll be very pouty if you decline though lol)

If you're like me and have lost items right in front of you (once I lost an item I was looking for for a good fifteen minutes. It was in my hand.) Venti can and will tease you about this.

"Hmm~ I don't know… Where did you see it last?" You could basically hear the laugh in his voice.

Once you do find it in a really obvious spot he will then laugh out loud. Just joke about breaking up with/leaving him and he'll quickly be on his knees apologizing

If one of your vocal stims is humming/singing anytime Venti catches wind of it he's definitely singing along with you. It turns into a karaoke in seconds and you're both laughing and smiling by the end of it.

He’s surprisingly one of the most understanding people on this list. No matter what, he'll always be there for you and somehow always knows how to help. You asked him about that and he said,

“Well, a magician can never reveal their secrets.”

“You’re not a magician, though. You’re a bard.”

“Then how is it that I stole your heart?”

Hit him again /j

Although there is one aspect he’s not great at steering you away from only because he’s also bad at steering himself away from it.

Impulsive tendencies.

Did you impulsively buy something? What a coincidence. Venti did something similar just seconds ago. Did you leave the group you were with because something caught your eye? Venti is right beside you, also looking for whatever caught your attention. Did you say something without really thinking about it? Venti just did the same somewhere across the room.

You guys are almost in sync for impulsive decision making no matter how far apart you two may or may not be.

On multiple occasions you’ve both run to each other in a panic after you both impulsively did something you shouldn’t have.

“Venti, help! I just entered a competition I know nothing about and it starts tomorrow afternoon!”

“Y/n, help! I just promised I’d do something I definitely shouldn’t!”

You both look at each other in panic and internally scream.

Xiao

Unlike Venti, Xiao hasn’t the slightest clue what ADHD is. He literally has no concept of mental disabilities and genuinely just thought some people had a harder time with things, not that their brain is wired differently.

Before you tell him he’ll see you stimming sometimes or notice you say certain words or phrases multiple times and just shrugs it off as ‘human things’. Same could be said for most of your ADHD shenanigans.

It was a blessing and a curse since he wouldn’t judge you for any of them, however if something like your executive dysfunction kicked in he’d probably think you’re being lazy 💀💀

You’d have to have a long sit-down talk about your ADHD and everything that goes on with it before he understands and can help you with it.

Even if you’re like me and your explanation skills are about as clear as muddy water he’d likely at least get the gist of it.

Now listen, Xiao is a harsh person by nature but once you tell him about your rejection sensitive dysphoria and what it means he’s probably looking back on anytime he was even slightly mean to you and worrying about if he accidentally hurt you.

Reassure him that even if he did hurt you, it’s in the past now and he knows to do better now.

Boy is much softer to you after that talk, even if he won’t admit it. He's the one least likely to accidentally hurt you with words out of everyone.

Xiao didn’t- and frankly, still kinda doesn’t- know a lot about humans before he met you, so he’s learning as he goes. Which means that at the beginning he’s going to be really awkward with comforting/helping you.

He’s trying though! And if you tell him how to help either before or after something like your executive dysfunction starts acting up, he’ll… still be a little awkward, if i’m being honest, but it helps much more than before you told him anything. The more he gets used to your ADHD the easier it’ll be for him to help you with it.

It becomes easier over time for both of you and Xiao slowly grows a ‘sixth sense’ if something is wrong.

Forgot something at the house? Xiao is already handing it to you as you turn around to go and grab it. Impulsive did something you probably shouldn’t have? Xiao is suddenly there to calm you down and do damage control. Your brain suddenly refusing to process what someone said? Xiao breaks down what they said so you can fully process it.

Seriously, bring him grocery shopping with you. He'll remember things you didn't even put on the list.

You wonder how Xiao got this power and Xiao also wonders how he got this power but he isn’t complaining. If he can help you in any way, he will.

"Hey, you forgot your lunch. I don't want you going hungry while I'm gone..."

Tease him about how he's acting like a caregiver and watch him turn red.

Albedo

He didn't know much about ADHD before he met you if he was being honest.

He knew more than Venti and Xiao but less than Tighnari, so you won't have to explain as much as you did with the previous two!

He finds it very intriguing, although he is the chief alchemist and human psychology has little to nothing to do with that, he finds himself listening to everything you have to say about it.

He knew humans learned in different ways but he didn't know how nuanced all of it was.

Just like Tighnari this guy is taking notes, although he's a bit calmer than Tighnari was lmao

"Fascinating. I knew humans were complex creatures, but this is much more nuanced than I originally anticipated."

Just like with Xiao, even if your explanation skills are less than ideal, Albedo still gets what you mean.

Seriously, he will pry every detail that you know about it out of you to the point that the conversation has already passed three hours and neither of you noticed.

He's asking questions you didn't even think of and you've known you've had ADHD for years.

Unfortunately, you often have to disappoint him with the fact that there's not exactly an abundance of information on mental illness/disabilities and that he'd likely have to find out for himself.

Even after that Albedo still asks you questions about your ADHD sometimes which you can either quickly answer or it takes ten minutes of pondering to figure it out.

He waits for you tho <3

You 🤝 Albedo

What the fuck is a social cue

You're usually at least a little better at spotting them than Albedo is, but it's still something you both struggle with 💀💀💀

Difference is that while you may try to apologize, Albedo just doesn't care.

He lives on a cold mountain, it's only natural that he has bad people skills. (He just like me fr fr)

In the nicest way possible the first few times you impulsively make a decision/have Executive dysfunction/etc Albedo will definitely say smthn like, "Oh, so this is what it looks like." 💀

Mf is lucky he's cute.

Afterwards though he'll help in any way he can. Which, of course means, any way alchemy can.

You're surprised at how useful all the things he made for you are, and you're grateful for that man making them for you every day.

All of Albedo's previous note-taking and observations of any bad habits you have because of your ADHD ended up with him being able to handle your bad habits better than you can 💀

Buddy is too smart for his own good.

You're taking notes from him at this point. You'd be a little offended that he knows more about your mental disability than you do but honestly if it helps you manage it better you'll take it with open arms.

While you're in his laboratory he likes hearing about you info dump about your hyper fixation. It's better background noise than the howling winds outside and you look adorable while talking about it. That's a win-win for him.

(Although like Tighnari, you'll also hear about his own experiments. Even if you're not really processing the information Albedo appreciates that you're trying)

If you're more creatively inclined he'll occasionally ask for your help if he's stuck on a project to see if you can think of something he hasn't yet. Even if you don't he says your input helps (translation: he likes hearing your voice and opinions)

Out of everyone on this list he's the least baffled about your odd habits. Man's is so unbothered by everything it's kinda funny.

The only thing he's worried about is when you look after Klee alone… he trusts the both of you to be able to take care of yourselves, but Klee is impulsive by herself. And if you're also impulsive it could lead to tragedy.

"You're aware the acting grand master is trying to stop Klee's habit of fish blasting, correct?"

"Well, maybe the acting grand master should try fish blasting herself! It's not our fault it's so fun!"

You're not allowed to babysit anymore

Ending note: I'm so bad at hcs it's also kinda funny. Ah oh well, at least you can say I tried! Sorry if anyone was ooc but also this is MY blog and I GET TO CHOOSE how to portray characters!!1! Also if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes no there isn't.

I was planning on adding more characters but kinda ran out of steam lmao. Mayhaps I will one day, but for now this is all you get <3 bye~

[herpartnerintime]

Max's IEP - Inattentive ADHD and Social anxiety

I wanted to talk about Max's IEP, the possibility of inattentive ADHD and Max's social anxiety. In the files in Principal Wells office we discover Max's student file and discover she has an IEP (Individualized Education Program) given to students who may need extra help and support in school.

We learn here that Max is considered a quiet attentive student. We learn her GPA fluctuates and she has acknowledged she should be doing better. Her teachers back up her quiet intelligence but she gets some complaints about being to nervous or nosey. Some would like her to speak up in class and be more assertive, others want her to be less so. I've been thinking a lot about this and what Max may have struggled with to get her an IEP. I've seen many fans discuss this and had many discussions myself. Some fans may think she has a learning disability that has her needing extra help. Some have thought autism. Some have considered ADHD - the inattentive type. I've been thinking a lot about this myself after beginning to realize I may have the inattentive type of ADHD, though I am not yet officially diagnosed, learning about this has also made me notice some similarities in Max's behavior.

Inattentive ADHD is very common in girls but underdiagnosed. I started noticing Max has signs of it. Her student file describes her as attentive, but people with inattentive adhd can seem attentive even if there mind is elsewhere. Inattentive ADHD is 'a subtype of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder that often manifests as limited attention span, distractibility, forgetfulness, or procrastination.' "Sidetracked by external or unimportant stimuli: No matter how much you want to tune into a task, it’s common to get sidetracked by a thought, topic, or event that suddenly demands your internal attention. For instance, you might be attending a show by your favorite comedian and find yourself zoning out for 5 minutes to think about what pandas eat."

"Inattentive adults are dreamers, doodling on their notes during a big meeting or studying a fly on the wall while their spouses are asking about bills. Often nicknamed “space cadets” or written off as flaky, many people misinterpret their lack of focus as lack of interest — and can get frustrated by their inability to pay attention, especially when it’s important that they do so."

We see this happening the very first episode. Though granted, Max is in a bit of shock from her storm dream. But as Jefferson talks Max can get distracted looking at her bag, at her journal, her pencil case, she can look at everything on her desk and lose herself in thought. She even ends up taking a selfie as Jefferson is talking!

"I haven't kept up with my journal as much as I should." "Look at this crap! How can I show this to Mr. Jefferson? I can hear the class laughing at me now." "I can't believe I still have this pencil case. I should upgrade to the 21st century. But I like it old school." "My little camera bag is battered, but still kicking."  "I do love my analog camera. I should take a quick picture now." After selfie she can look at camera as Jefferson is talking: "Sorry, Max. No more selfies right now." In Jefferson's class in episode 1 we can see Max also has a bunch of doodles along with her notes, suggesting she can lose focus.

In Jefferson's class, we see in episode 2 Max has paper out on her desk, which you can choose to doodle on, becoming unfocused on what he is saying.

When Chloe texts Max, Max takes out her phone to look, getting called out by Jefferson to put her phone away.

Given everything going on in Max's life from her storm dream to her super powers it makes sense Max would be extra distracted in class, but Jefferson makes comments that also suggest this is a pattern with Max.

Jefferson says to Max in the Dark Room Stupid bitch! You just don't listen, do you? (threateningly) In fact, you never did hear much in my class; if you had, you might have seen all this coming.

When Max returns to the dark room in episode 5 after having escaped and she doesn't hear Jefferson, he says

Jefferson: Jesus. It's like you're back in my class. You're still...spacing...out. It might be cool if you took one of your patented selfies now... This suggests Max's struggle to focus in class wasn't just because of everything happening with her powers and Chloe.

When Jefferson asks her his question in class her responses are Max: I did know! ...But I kinda forgot.

Max: You're asking me? Let me think... Um... This fits how those with inattentive ADHD can be very forgetful. Homework is kicking my ass. I bet the teachers grade harder just to stop you from feeling special. I have an assload of homework already. So much bullshit. At least give us noobs a day to acclimate. Like a dork I couldn't figure out what to wear, so I chose what was on the floor. I'm no good with names and faces right away, but I picked up some names like KateBrookeTaylorAlyssa... Max seems pretty overwhelmed by her school life too. She can also be disorganized, writing about choosing an outfit off the floor, likely because she got distracted and didn't put her clothes away. She has trouble remembering the names of her classmates. I relate to all of this!

Even Max's classmates have noticed... Juliet: Uh, why do you care? Why are you even asking me? You never talk, just zone out with your camera.

Max: That's why I'm talking to you now.

Juliet: What's my last name?

Max: Juliet...Juliet...Olson. (you have 4 options)

Juliet: That was truly sad. Thanks for your concern, "Max Caulfield". By the way, Juliet Watson.

We see that Max is known to be spacey, forgetful, distracted easily in class and often finds her mind drifting to other things, or getting distracted by her journal or other items around her. Max even displayed doodling behavior in childhood too. When she and Chloe were kids, this was left on Chloe's homework Great job as always Chloe. Now PLEASE try to pay attention in class instead of drawing pictures with Maxine. Max's thoughts: Chloe and I were doing a lot of drawing in Ms. Shelley's class.

We know from Max doodling in class she does this even without Chloe around as a distraction. When Max looks at Chloe's report card, Max thinks, "As usual, Chloe's grades are better than mine. I still kick her butt in PE, though." I wonder if perhaps for Max, who was the inattentive adhd type and could get restless, if PE was good for her focus since it involved getting up and moving around. Max having inattentive ADHD might explain why she struggled in school and wasn't able to go to a school like Blackwell Academy like Chloe for grade nine but was able to for grade twelve by getting the extra help needed in Seattle to be able to make the grades for Blackwell.

Max even procrastinates for her favourite subject!

The winner gets a trip to San Francisco and lots of publicity. He wants just one photograph from each student. This is exactly why I wanted to come to Blackwell and of course I'm scared shitless to enter. At least I have a couple weeks before the deadline in October. So I have plenty of time to stress and procrastinate. Sigh.

Max having inattentive ADHD along with social anxiety could even help understand further why she was ignoring Chloe. Max was in shock over William's death and she didn't know how to be there for her friend, with the inattentive ADHD also playing a role perhaps in Max forgetting to say, respond to Chloe's texts in Before the Storm or just remembering to text which created this cycle of guilt where she kept putting it off and forgetting as she let herself get distracted by other things and then would remember and be eaten alive by guilt and put it off. I know myself I can forget about texts sent to me so easily as my mind finds other things to focus on. It's especially easy to forget the world when you hyper focus on other things, and people with inattentive adhd can have intense hyper focus on things that interest them. "Hyperfocus, a common — but confusing — ADHD symptom, is the ability hyper fixate on an interesting project or activity for hours at a time. It is the opposite of distractibility, and it is common among both children and adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder." "But whatever holds the attention, the result is the same: Unless something or someone interrupts, hours drift by as important tasks, and relationships fall by the wayside." It is also interesting that Max's phone has no texts from her Seattle friends, and she only writes about them once, as her mind becomes consumed by Blackwell life. Once she reconnects with Chloe, she no longer struggles with communication and is even very fast answering her texts. She can take time to answer others though! Max seems to display a lot of behaviors of inattentive adhd but ultimately with the game only taking place October 7-11 and Farewell in a day it is hard to really know for sure. But she does display all of the signs in different ways throughout the game and other characters remarks suggest it is a pattern for her. Social Anxiety? Hannah Telle, who I highly enjoy hearing her thoughts on Max on, has shared some thought on Max's social anxiety and IEP.

Hannah Telle: I think that Max was in shock over William's death and the fact that she was leaving her life in Arcadia Bay to start all over at such a difficult age. I also think she was afraid to reach out because she wouldn't know the right thing to say and thought Chloe would be mad at her for leaving and not want to talk to her. I think both girls eventually assumed the other didn't want to talk to them and then they fell apart. Also, I'm sure Max was overwhelmed with being all alone in a big city when she suffers from social anxiety. Maybe she just withdrew even further and wasn't really talking to anyone. I can definitely relate to that.

Hannah Telle talking about Max: Her timidness, her introvertedness, her desire to NOT be so introverted and not be so timid but she doesn't even really know at the beginning of the game that she needs or wants that, she can't even imagine what life would be like on the other side of her own withdrawn boundaries and just sometimes I feel like Max might feel like she's got a glass wall between her and everyone else around her and like when she's with Chloe maybe she doesn't feel that wall, that glass wall so strongly and I really relate to that it's like some kind of psychological thing that I experience feeling like I'm separated from the other person I'm talking with unless it's like a very certain person

On Max's IEP

Hannah Telle: I was never made aware of any inside information about Max's Individualized Education Program but I do have some thoughts. I do think that Max is highly intelligent and overly self-aware. I find her extremely introverted nature at the start of the game to be a bit concerning. I think maybe Max struggles with some kind of issue where she is incapable of believing in herself or using her voice. I definitely can relate to that. I think her sudden onset of power interferes with this problem and ultimately solves it for her without the need for therapy or medication because it forces her to come out of her shell and speak up. When Chloe asks Max what she likes to do now that she's all grown Max, Max can say "Not much. You know me. I like to observe the world more than participate." After rewinding, Max can share this.

Max: I take photos. Of me, the world, everything. It may sound sad, but I have a blast. Chloe: It doesn't sound that sad. Max: I'm happiest when I've got a great image in my lens. I'm not lonely, not afraid... When Max is not taking photos she feels lonely and afraid. She has been without her best friend for five years and seems to have only made two friends (Fernando and Kristen and going from texts she hasn't kept in touch) Max even can say to Chloe of Seattle, "It was cool, but...I felt kinda lonely, out of my league." Max struggled in Seattle.

Max also tries to explain to Chloe why she didn't keep in touch.

Max: I wanted to. I was just so tripped out over leaving Arcadia... Chloe: Oh, please. I'm sure your phone and laptop were frozen in time. Max: You're merciless.

Max: Give me a break. I was going through changes...like you. Chloe: I guess those changes included dumping me from your life. Max: That's not true, Chloe. Chloe: Bullshit. You thought you'd hook up with all these art pricks in Seattle. Didn't happen, though. Max: You're merciless.

Max: I'm sorry. I know things were tough on you when I left. Chloe: How do you know? You weren't even here. Max: I didn't order my parents to move specifically to fuck you over, Chloe. Chloe: You've been at Blackwell for almost a month without letting me know. 'Nuff said.

Max: I just wanted to settle in first and not be such a shy cliché geek. I totally would have contacted you...

I think Max isn't good at handling confrontation. She doesn't know how to explain to Chloe why she wasn't there, not sure how to put to words why she couldn't reach out. She also struggles with the social anxiety of Chloe seeing she hasn't changed much (Shy cliche geek) and is also using that embarrassed feeling to avoid her. She also doesn't know how to explain why she didn't reach out after a month. Max's social anxiety and fears about Chloe being mad at her were making her put it off. She thinks this looking at a photo of them. "...Max and Chloe: Best Friends Forever. Who even says that anymore? I'm going to have to call Chloe eventually and find out what she'll say. The longer I wait, the worse it'll be. Idiot." Her inattentive ADHD likely didn't help, finding it all to easy to lose herself in distractions.

Max apologizes to Chloe, but she never gives her an explanation in the game because Max didn't know how to explain herself. Then there’s Chloe Price. What do you say to your best friend after five years of silence? After finding out you saved her life in a bathroom? NOTHING. I feel so lame for not staying in touch… or even text. I have no idea how to process seeing Chloe like this again. For one thing, she looks so similar but so different… She’s all grown up now, but it doesn’t seem like she’s only one year older than me. Max also admits I feel bad because I wonder if I was happy to move away just to avoid the grief…

In Farewell, Max even worries about how often she should write. "It might be actually really fun to write Chloe letters after I move. Is writing once a week to often? Will I run out of things to say?" She sounds very worried at that last part. Hearing Max think that might feel strange, with how close Chloe and her are and how easy it is for them to talk now, but Max's social anxiety was making her over think and worry about how much she should write or fear she wouldn't know what to say. Many with social anxiety struggle with communication long distance when they can't see the person. Max also shares this fear to Chloe. Max: I'm so worried that I won't be okay without you.

Chloe: Hey, stop that. Of course you'll be okay.

Chloe: We're Max and Chloe, remember? We're always together, even when we're not.

Max: That's true.

Chloe: Cool. Let's find something fun to do.

Given she ends up lonely in Seattle and also tells Chloe something that suggests when she's not taking photos she is lonely and afraid, I don't think she was okay without Chloe, just like she feared. She was missing her best friend but unable to fight her social anxiety to reach back out, even after she returned. She didn't make many friends because of her social anxiety, and her inattentive adhd kept her to distracted to face anything. Max also shows her social anxiety in how long she waits to tell Chloe about moving. By the time she finally works up the courage to tell her after being a ball of anxiety, she's moving in 3 days. Max: Chloe?

Chloe: Max?

Max: I want to tell you...something.

Chloe sits on the couch next to her.

Chloe: Okay.

Max: I'm, um... My family's moving to Seattle really soon. Hey.

Chloe: In three days, right?

Max: What? You knew that?

Chloe: Our parents do talk, you know?

Max: But, they said I should be the one to tell you—

Chloe: They still told my parents. I guess Mom and Dad were trying to keep quiet, too, but they're bad at hiding anything. Don't look so worried Max, it's okay. (lightly shoves Max's shoulder) Come on, dorkmeister. It's not the end of the world.

Max: I should've just told you earlier. God, I feel so stupid. (She covers her face with her hands in anxiety)

Chloe: Max, I said it was okay.

Max: I was trying to tell you this morning, but—

Chloe: But I totally distracted you with the pirate tape! Success!

Max: Seriously?

Chloe: I didn't want this hanging over us all day.

Chloe: Plus I know you hate this kind of conversation, so...I just left it alone, you know?

Chloe takes Max's hand and pulls her off the couch and holds her hand.

Chloe: Come on, I want to spend every minute we have together having fun.

Max hasn't just been having these thoughts only this day, she's been anxious about telling Chloe for along time.

Max: (thinking) I've spent so much of my life here, every little corner is familiar. Comforting.

Max starts bouncing the ball against the drawing board.

Max: (thinking) These games we're playing...buried pirate treasure from our past selves.

Max: (thinking) Is this why I keep pushing off telling Chloe I'm leaving? Because I don't want to ruin this time together?

Max: (thinking) Is this all selfish of me? Why is this making me feel more guilty about leaving? (doesn't try to tell chloe) Max: (thinking) I guess now's my chance to tell Chloe I'm leaving. We might not be alone again once her parents get back.

Chloe: Hey, ready for something else? I've got a great plan for the rest of the afternoon.

Max: (thinking) Crap. I don't want to ruin the rest of the day.

Chloe: You're staying for dinner, right?

Max: (thinking) Would Chloe even want me to tell her?

"It's so hard to believe. This room, this house, this town... all in the past now. Or soon to be. Who even am I without Chloe? She's the one who's always starting things, pulling us into adventures. I can't imagine life without her. Maybe I haven't told her I'm leaving yet because I still can't believe it's real myself." "Chloe Price. My best friend. It's so weird being back in this attic after so long. I remember being terrified of this place. I think when you're a kid, you're only afraid of things that can hurt you. But when you get older, you become more afraid of hurting the people you care about. And spiders. Man, I'm gonna miss her."

[petersbaby]

Library - Eddie Munson x Reader

Warnings: Slight perv!eddie, fingering, choking. This one is pretty tame

A/N: I wanted to remind everyone that I take donations/tips and the kofi is linked in my pinned post! Your girl is lowkey struggling right now and it would mean the world. Obviously you don’t have to, but it’s there if you’re feeling generous. <3

-

You had strict parents. That’s how you ended up here, tucked away in a corner of your local library after school with Eddie. You loved him, of course, you thought he was a good person when you put aside all the annoying shit he does.

Your parents, though, not so much. He’s pretty much a textbook “bad boy,” not the kind of person they would want you to be hanging out with. They only knew about him what they had heard; the rumors.

When Eddie asked you to help him with a class he was failing because it was your best subject, you couldn’t invite him over. This was the meeting point. You had agreed, because you really did want to see him graduate. And possibly because he smokes you out from time to time free of charge.

You had a nice little friendship going, it was just one that not many people were aware of. You kind of liked the privacy, but you knew it must feel shitty on his end because he gets judged and therefore so does whoever he associates with. The library wasn’t busy, it was surprisingly vacant.

You two sat together at a table, side by side, close. Chairs pulled up next to each other and all kinds of stuff scattered across the surface of the table. Notebooks, a textbook, printed sheets, flash cards, the whole nine yards. He was overwhelmed but trying to stay still and pay attention.

You read to him aloud from the textbook as if he were a child who couldn’t read, but all he could think about was how good you smelled and how pretty your eyelashes were and the holes in the jeans you wore.

You finished reading a paragraph.

“Okay, write that down. That’s 100% going to be on the test, so it’s important.”

You pick up the pencil and hand it to him, as the notebook with messily scrawled out notes sat in front of him. He just stares at it. He doesn’t even take the pencil.

“I uhh, I’m really sorry but I didn’t catch any of that. Could you read it again?”

You take a deep breath in and out, trying to be patient. He never could focus.

“I will, but listen this time. Seriously.”

“Okay, okay.” He nods, and you return to the book.

Your skin looked so soft, he could find out if it actually was as soft as it looked so easily. He could just reach down and touch your leg, so fucking easy.

This time, halfway through the passage, you check to make sure he’s not spacing out, and he is. Just this time, instead of his gaze staring into something off in the distance, it was on you.

You stop speaking and just look at him til he notices you stopped. It takes him a minute, but the lack of your voice in his ears brings him to look up at you, confused.

“What? Why’d you stop?”

“Because you don’t look like you’re listening to me.”

“I’m *totally* listening. You’re talking about the uh… the American revolution.”

“French. The French revolution.”

“Right, yeah, that’s what I meant.”

You sigh and put your hand on your face.

“You need to be on medication, eds, you have ADHD.”

“It’s not… listen, you just look… you look very pretty. Can’t stop looking at you.”

You have to fight off the smile that tries to spread across your face, ears and cheeks heating up.

“Thank you. But look at the book, not me.”

“UGH. I can’t. I need an ugly tutor, then I’d be able to concentrate.”

“Quit.” You say softly, squirming in your seat at the compliments he’s giving you. He makes you nervous, but in a good way. It’s hard to explain.

“I’ve got an idea. Okay?”

“Mhm.”

“You wanna kiss me?”

Now it was his turn to blush a little bit. He’s nervous now in that exact same way, same way as you. There was obviously some tension there in the friendship that you knew about and felt, you knew he had a thing for you, at least to some degree. Maybe you did for him, too. A little.

“Fuck yes.”

“Do your work, and you can. Only after.”

-

“Okay, I think I got everything done for today. Am I finished?” He asks, wanting to finally put the pencil down. His hand hurt.

“For today.” You emphasize. “You’re still really behind.”

He fixes his eyes on your soft lips, just wondering what they taste like. You catch this fascination.

“Alright,” you sigh, turning to face him, “go ahead.”

You had to act like this was an inconvenience for you, like it wasn’t EXACTLY what you wanted too. He places his right hand on your face, softly holding it and pressing his lips against yours, and it quite literally takes your breath away.

It lasts for what feels like forever, neither one of you pulling away. In fact, instead of pulling apart, you become even more intertwined.

You deepen the kiss, your hand coming up to caress his face as well. You focused on the way his stubble felt beneath your touch, and the way all you smelled was aftershave and smoke.

You take his bottom lip between your teeth, biting down on it just a little bit, pulling, then letting it fall back into place. Your tongue runs across it to both soothe the nip but to also request access into his mouth, which is immediately granted.

As the kiss-turned-make out session went on, his hand fell down to your neck, feeling the warm and sensitive skin there. He doesn’t know why, he doesn’t know why he feels the need to do this, but he experimentally wrap his big, rough hand around your throat.

No pressure, just placing it there. It was almost absentmindedly, and he didn’t think much of the gesture. You get annoyed by it, though, and place your hand over his, squeezing it for him.

“Fuck, you like that?” He mutters quietly.

“Shut up.” You kiss him again.

He squeezes the sides of your throat with just the right amount of intoxicating pressure while your tongues explore each other’s mouths.

‘Wait,’ you thought, and pulled away from him. You look all around the area, scanning for people. You forgot where you were, just for a minute there.

“There’s nobody here.” He whispers, assuring you after seeing your slightly panicked expression. You then look up at the ceiling.

“No cameras either. You think the town has enough money for all that shit?” He reads your mind, and you relax.

“Unbutton these jeans for me, yeah?”

You don’t know where this is going, but you oblige. Just something about him made you want to do everything he asked.

He kisses you again, hand trailing down your body til they dip into your pants. He rubs circles over your clit on top of your panties, and you gasp softly at the sudden feeling.

You tried your best to keep consistently kissing him back and hold it together, but then his hand finds it’s way into your panties too.

“Holy shit.” He comments, simply, to himself and against your lips.

You can guess that you’re probably embarrassingly wet and that that is what he’s just discovered. He easily slips in his middle finger, effortlessly, and you gasp.

You also spread your legs to make it a bit easier for him. This was so gross, so illegal, but so good. You couldn’t stop even if you wanted to.

Your tongues dance together, occasionally fighting for dominance, lips both covered in saliva from one another. He gently pushes his one finger in and out of you, trying not to get too eager and overwhelm you.

But once you started seemingly trying to grind against his hand, he adds in another digit. You pant against his lips as he curls them inside you, as deep as the can go, scissoring them against your walls.

“Oh, god, Eddie,” you say in a whisper, more of a quiet whine than anything.

“Shhh.” He soothes, covering your mouth with his own, not letting up. In fact, they got faster, his thick calloused fingers.

You were gonna cum. You were gonna cum? In the library, with people in the building? Yeah, you had to. It was unavoidable and you weren’t able and didn’t have the time to say anything, but he could tell by the way you clenched around him and the way you were struggling to kiss him back.

“Yeah? Just be quiet.” He whispers.

You just nod your head breathlessly. When it hits you, it really hits you, and if you were alone you would absolutely scream. You can’t, and you know that, so your first idea is to cover your hand over your own mouth tightly to stifle any noise.

“Good girl, that’s a good girl.” He continues to whisper as you ride it out.

You take your hand away, trying to catch your breath and breathe like a normal person again. He removes his hand too, and you quickly go to zip and button your jeans again, straightening yourself out.

“Jesus Christ.” You half-chuckle, in disbelief at how far things went.

“To thank you. For helping me.” He explains.

“And maybe to convince you to do it again tomorrow? I know I’m hard to teach but I promise I’ll behave.”

“Of course.” You say, as if it were a given.

“You’re a really sweet girl, you know that?” He smiles.

“Whatever.” You jokingly roll your eyes, smiling a little too. You getting up to collect all your things, and he helps you put the stuff into your backpack.

[ursaribbon]

What Modern Pokemon Means to Me

I've felt this way for so long, and I can't just not talk about it anymore. I'm hoping to find more people who feel this way, and I think Tumblr is the best place to do so. (cw: su/c/de)

In elementary school, I was cheerful and loud all the time, and people thought I was weird for it. I had been told my whole life that I was so unique and special, and since I only got that validation from adults, I would do everything in my power to get more validation by doing whatever adults told me to do and valuing whatever they told me to value. I was almost blindly obedient, and I sought academic validation. I started masking my ADHD. I was so stiff on the outside that I rarely cried anymore, especially at things other people would cry over. I felt like there was something wrong with me, or that I really was emotionless.

When puberty started and genetic mental illnesses came into play, I became a husk. I never displayed emotion, and people called me a zombie. I was frustrated. What did they want from me if I couldn't be loud or quiet? Classmates would ask me unprompted if I was depressed, exchange an amused look with their friends if they were paired with me for a group project, and whisper about me when they thought I couldn't hear.

Since I was a preteen, I would continually push away the people in my life because I had mental health issues that made it draining to talk to people. I wanted to spend all my time alone because I wanted to rest--I constantly wanted to be left alone in silence because everything going through my head was already too stimulating. My younger brother, my biggest supporter, would try asking me to play with him or try to talk to me about something he was excited about, and I pushed him away every time. He thought it was because I was tired and lazy all the time, because that was what I told him. He began to resent me for always leaving him alone, and even though I never tried explaining myself or even going to him for support, I thoroughly believed it was my fault for leaving him behind.

People who make fun of "teenage angst" are just making fun of themselves for what they see as "dramatic" looking back. It's easy to forget that regardless of what hormones generate them, feelings of depression are real and harmful. It felt like no matter where I turned, there was no light to overcome the darkness.

Gens 7 and 8 of Pokemon have gotten me through the worst of my teenage and pre-teen years. I had been following the Gen 6 anime by the time it was ending, and I was so excited for the next chapter of Ash's journey. I remember going around school telling everyone, "ASH LEAVES KALOS ON THURSDAY! NOVEMBER 17!!!" Not many people wanted to hear it, but for what felt like the first time in forever, I didn't care. I was already known as a zombie at school, and there weren't many things I unapologetically loved so much.

I was in middle school when covid hit. During online school, I felt lonely, scared, and sad. I had the rest and lack of stimulation I had always wanted, but I didn't realize how much it helped to be at school where I was forced to interact with other people. When I was really alone with my thoughts, I couldn't find a reason to live anymore. I was having s//c/d/l thoughts. One day during my lunch time, as I nibbled at my sandwich with my head down on the desk, I decided I may as well catch up on the latest episodes of Pokemon Journeys.

The Beautifly episode was playing, but I was only half paying attention, barely able to focus on anything. Ash had misheard and thought they were going to watch Beautifly hydrate, and Goh had a short fantasy about a Beautifly laying on the beach with a cup of juice before realizing the mistake.

He phrased it something like:

"Yeah, they look so peaceful when theY HYDRA-HOLD ON!!!!"

And I just died laughing.

I knew the joke wasn't funny. The funny part was Zeno Robinson's delivery. I must have replayed it ten times. It was the first time in months that I'd felt like everything was okay.

I even showed the scene to my brother. We both laughed at it for at least ten minutes. It was so nice to share something with him.

I became a bigger fan of the show, and started shipping Ash and Goh. It wasn't because Goh was flamboyant, although I won't deny that many fans assert him to be a certain sexuality based on how he presents himself, which is stereotyping at best and homophobic fetishization at worst. I ship the characters because I think they're compatible and are just cute together. That was when I found the Satogou Discord server.

I had never really had online friends like the ones I had on that server. For what felt like the first time, I had found people I could talk about anything with for hours. While progress wasn't a straight line, I was beginning to have s//c/d/al thoughts less and less because the people and media in my life filled me with light to overcome that darkness.

And then episode 62 aired.

In that episode, Goh's Sobble evolves into Drizzile. It was so excited to be an Inteleon that it didn't realize there was a middle stage in between. It couldn't even use Water Gun properly anymore, and other Pokemon made fun of it for that. It began isolating itself, and when Cinderace forced it to come out of its cave, it ran away in tears.

When Goh finds Drizzile, he tells it about his own childhood, when he was pointed out as being different for reasons even he didn't fully understand. When he asked himself "Why?" he only felt frustrated. This is what he tells Drizzile:

"I don't understand, but that's okay. And I don't need immediate answers, either. ... I'm fine if you just want to be who you are. ... If it helps you to nest, just do it. And if at some point you feel like being with a friend..."

"...I'll be there whenever you need me."

I didn't cry. I almost cried, but I didn't. And I didn't need a reason why anymore. Anyone else may have cried. I might have been a zombie or a husk for not crying.

...Maybe it was because I wasn't overwhelmed by what was going through my head anymore. It made me remember what I had been through, but the way these characters reached out to me was so much more meaningful than anything that came before.

The media that allowed me to laugh and to live and to make friends with ease once again provided light to me, not blinding me, but providing for me a moment of clarity.

I know not everyone likes the newer seasons of Pokemon. It doesn't fit the formula that provided light to those who have been fans for a longer time, and believe me, I understand how important these things are, but goddamnit, it's one thing to dislike a piece of media and an entirely different thing to continue arguing when you find out it means something to someone else. I respect those who don't like the newer seasons, and I won't tell you they're better than the ones that came before because, at least to me, they simply can't be compared to each other.

I know not everyone likes Goh, but I miss him so much for what he represented, and I can't thank the creators of Pokemon 2019 enough for what they went through to make what they did.

[babiebom]

Hey!! I love ur writing for stardew so much. I was looking at ur rules & things u write for. And saw u do criminal minds ??? Like fuck yeaaaa!! I was wondering what ur headcannons would be with dating Spencer Reid? (Especially with him dating a genderfluid / nonbinary person with adhd) Thank you sm!!! Ur work is so amazing!! 😭😭😭

A/N: yeah!!! I do write for criminal minds, mainly the fic im working on is on ao3 and I’m debating on posting it here~ also thank you thank you for enjoying my writing!!!

A/N 2: B R O T H E R I WROTE THIS ENTIRE THING AND TUMBLR DIDNT SAVE IT SO NOW I HAVE TO REWRITE AND ITS GONNA BE WORSE THAN THE ORIGINAL BECAUSE I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME REMEMBER WHAT I WROTE!!!! And I know whoever reads this (not you anon) will be like “why don’t you remember it’s your headcanons” ITS BECAUSE I FORGET JUST AS QUICKLY AS I WRITE LEAVE ME ALONE.

Tw: some cursing, adhd being portrayed by a person that doesn’t have it

Criminal Minds Masterlist

So before I get into these headcanons I do like to point out that I do not have adhd and I also identify as cis so I’m not writing this from a personal pov. Obviously I am going to try my best but I just want to warn people and say that if anything is inaccurate let me know!!

So what I know about ADHD is there is three main types

The inattentive type the hyperactive type and the combined type

And personally I feel like Spencer would know the differences in how it affects you and would behave accordingly.

But we’ll get to that in a second because either way gender-fluid or nonbinary has absolutely nothing to do with how he treats you!!

Like dude is in love with you he doesn’t care about how you identify as long as you’re happy he’s happy and he will always introduce you as his partner or significant other.

Like unless you’re feeling a certain type of way and want to be introduced in that way he is more than comfortable with everything just being neutral.

Like sometimes I think that he does go about these things in a logical way, so I feel like it could be very helpful as well as sometimes unhelpful y’know?

Like there are pros and cons to everything EVEN someone being the most understanding anyone could ever be.

The adhd can however come with self esteem issues and I know sometimes even if you’re proud of who you are and what you identify as, there will be some hard days where everything just seems hopeless.

And while I think he would do his absolute best to comfort you, he just doesn’t understand what you’re going through from a personal point of view.

He does stay with you through it and does whatever you need him to because he high key would feel awful that someone he loves feels awful.

OKAY now onto the adhd aspects

I think the differences between the three types means that there will be different ways that he handles everything.

So for the inattentive type I think he would become more conscious of everything around him that way he can help you whenever you need it.

While yes he wants to help you work on finding ways to manage the symptoms and stress he also knows that it takes TIME and that helping in this way makes everything slightly better for you.

So when you’re together and he can see you’re losing focus he either remembers everything that was said and retell them to you or try to get you to pay attention again without making it too obvious.

Like he doesn’t want you to be embarrassed and he doesn’t want the other person to feel bad or angry so he tries his best.

Or he reminds you of simple things like did you remember to place your keys in this certain place? No? Okay let’s look for them or y’know just put them there to make sure we can keep track of everything

Reminds you to eat

It honestly just seems like he’s a doting boyfriend but I feel like it would feel like much more than that

Like you’re cared for and loved

But also it depends on the type of person you are because someone doing this could also piss someone off and make them feel dumb.

I would hope that you’d be okay with it because it’s not a bad intention but I also understand that sometimes intent and impact are very different things so….

Sometimes gets his feelings hurt because he does like to go off on tangents ably things that he finds interesting and sometimes it’s hard for you to pay attention for an extended amount of time.

Knows you don’t mean it and that he’s used to it due to usually being cut off but it still sometimes hurts.

ONTO THE HYPERACTIVE TYPE

I think that this type would be more difficult for him to help with in my opinion

Like he himself has lots of things to do and has to no time to relax. So him being on the go and you being on the go is just too much.

He still wants to help but helping in this situation is difficult especially because trying to get someone to sit and relax when their mind is racing is almost impossible

Like sitting there thinking about how many things you need to do gets you more agitated and upset.

BUT I think that this type is more comical in a way with him because your conversations are just both of you going off on tangents and interrupting each other.

But it’s not offensive because both of you understand that’s just how your conversations work.

Also I think while it’s tiring for both of you there’s no one upset about both of you being gone all the time because I honestly think in this timeline you would have a job that allows you to maximize and take advantage of your adhd powers.

You understand that he’s just unavailable sometimes and he understands for you as well

I think it makes those days where you can spend all day together that much more special.

Does want to help you control it though, and if you want his help he will find ways that you can relax more because everyone needs a break once in the while.

Now with the combined type of adhd I feel like it’s more….unmanageable than the other two due to it being a combination of things working against each other and together.

Again if I’m wrong tell me (be nice though I’m trying)

And this type causes the both of you distress because he really does want to help but with everything clashing it makes it hard to be okay.

Like according to what I looked up it seems like EVERYTHING is impacted by it.

Like sleep problems, memory problems, self esteem issues, sensory issues, like damn stepping away from these headcanons are y’all ALRIGHT?

This is something that he would be like lmao I don’t know how to help you so all I can do is be here for you if you need something

Which is enough y’know

He is there when you’re breaking down, there when you’re happy. He helps you with your confidence and with loving yourself

Tries to help manage everything but in a less hands on way than the other two types.

Like with one or the other the things that are impacted are very specific things so it’s easier to help(not saying that it’s easy don’t get me wrong) but this impacts a lot more and is more general so it’s difficult

Does his best to be someone you can depend on.

I think he is very helpful with these things because of his experience with his mother

Like they’re not the same thing; adhd and schizophrenia, but like he’s used to dealing with people he loves not being in the best of mental states.

When he is not helping with everything I think in general he is a very touchy person ngl

Like he wants to be on you at all times

Not sexually and sexually like he just likes being with you.

Best guy best bf love him 💖💖💖

[actuallyadhd]

i won’t lie i feel silly for reaching out to a tumblr blog but here goes— My father openly admits he has autism and adhd, my mom is (as far as i know) neurotypical, with trauma. And I didn’t know any of this until i reached 17-18 (currently in my 20’s now) now, all my life i was always told “i need to focus” and that i ‘could focus’ if i put in the ‘effort’— but that i just didn’t ‘want to’. and that hurt growing up, because i believed it, why couldn’t i pay attention to the things i needed to, but when it came time for a favorite subject or something that was genuinely intriguing, i would dive in head first and become the knowledgeable in that subject. (which i later learned could simply be hyper fixation) and then from zoning out to not being able to physically shut my mouth(verbally stimming, even when I’m required to be quiet like during tests) — leg bouncing, finger tapping, daydreaming, feeling like i was “different”.

my mom would always push me to be my best which was harmful to me because i never got a chance for rest. she believed “the busier i was, the less trouble i’d get into” so i was in sports and dance and theater, and everything under the sun that could deter from free time. and i guess that was fine until the break downs and shut downs kicked in. then i was lazy and unmotivated and ungrateful even. and i guess after years of that we learn how to mask, which i think i do really well. because when i brought up to my family n friends that i might have ADHD, they just said “i don’t see it” or “mmm i don’t think so—“ 🧍🏽‍♀️

fast forward. and now we’re at a harsh wall of substance abuse, i use THC products because it helps me just, BE. and i did my research as to why and of course. People with low dopamine levels who smoke THC get that reward chemical that we so crave, and then when we keep getting our dopamine that way, it creates a dependency. go figure. i told this to my boyfriend (who is very loving and supportive, but i also don’t think he believes me when i say i might have ADHD) and he smokes too, n he might have ADHD too (he’s not too sure but he had instances as a kid where adults told him n his parents he might) but the difference is his willpower. and it makes me feel like maybe i’m doing something wrong? not to mention that every time i say i want to get medicated everyone will give me a billion reasons not too— (even tho i might just when i get the finances for it)

he swore he was just like me, but the difference is that he just redirected his energy and mind power to just…not. his words not mine. and then i thought maybe he just did CBT therapy on himself, and he thinks he did too. And I’ve tried all the things that people suggest, calendars, timers, reminder apps, adhd apps, writing on sticky notes, writing it on my hands even!

so i guess my questions are — am i doing everything i possibly can? am i trying hard enough to manage this? did i make a mistake somewhere along the way? and how do i keep going about it even when it feels like no one is taking me seriously when i say i’m struggling with this?

-a very tired n drained brain

Sent February 29, 2024

I'm sorry it took me so long to answer this. I don't know if I can help you a lot, but I will do my best to help you where I can.

I see a lot of things in your message that you might want to address with a counsellor. In particular, it seems like you might have some childhood trauma from being expected to suppress your ADHD symptoms. This can make ADHD symptoms harder to manage, and some trauma-related responses can mimic ADHD, which makes it hard to know what's really going on.

As for your boyfriend, it sounds like he may have found some systems that help him with his symptoms. It's also highly likely that your symptoms are different from his, and that you need different systems from those he uses. That doesn't mean you don't have ADHD, and it doesn't mean he doesn't have ADHD either; it just means that you are different people.

The THC use is something you both might want to reconsider. It can be difficult to find good information on the effects of cannabis on the brain, but what information we have indicates that ADHDers who use it are more likely to become addicted. This makes sense, since you're self-medicating. The problem is the addiction plus the possibility of a variety of other issues that can develop with extended use, such as memory problems and difficulty thinking clearly. Obviously the choice is yours, especially if it is legal in your area, and apparently medical marijuana is now being prescribed as treatment for things like depression and anxiety, which are often comorbid with ADHD, so the medical consensus is definitely in flux.

You list a bunch of different things you've tried, but I can't really offer any thoughts on that because what will help you depends a lot on what you're struggling with and why. I don't think your problem is that you're not trying hard enough or anything like that; I think that you've been stuck trying things that work for other people but that don't address your specific difficulties in a way that works for your brain.

It is clear to me that you are struggling, because if you weren't you wouldn't have written such a detailed Ask. You deserve help and support for the things you're struggling with.

If you write in again with more specifics about what you're currently struggling with, I can try to help you figure out what to do about it. If I suggest something you've tried before that didn't work, let me know and I'll see if I can come up with something else, or some tweaks that might work better for you. In addition, other people here may have suggestions for you to try.

Followers, do you have any thoughts on this story? What do you think about using THC for ADHD? How about the dismissiveness of others when we bring up our symptoms to try and get help?

-J

[oneoddsock]

Visual hyposensitivity

Having searched for info on hyposensitivity (HS), I've for some reason found even less about visual HS than the other senses. Which is funny because it has such a big impact on my daily life. In fact, when I first read about it, I thought: "Wait, this is what I got? I thought there was something wrong with me!". Then I told my partner, and they went: "Wait, this sounds exactly like me, I've always thought there was something wrong with me!" Which lead me to believe that perhaps visual HS isn't as rare as the lack of info should suggest, and maybe there are more people out there who think there's something wrong with them.

Some signs of visual HS: (Pulled from online sources, I made a separate post with links here.)

-Double vision and blurriness not related to eyesight.

-Poor depth perception. Difficulty judging spatial relationships in the environment; i.e., bumps into objects/people or missteps on curbs and stairs.

-Difficulty separating and finding information in busy and cluttered environment. Difficulty locating items among other items.

-Sees only outlines of objects or objects merge together, especially when there's no contrast.

-Difficulties related to reading and writing: loses place in text. Confuses similar letters. Writes with a slant, can't write in a straight line.

-----

How it works for me: I think the best way to describe it is that my vision is always trying to go to energy-saving mode. It'll only "activate" if there's something interesting going on, such as movement or objects with a color that stands out. It'll register the new and go back to idling, which feels like zoning out. My focus point gets locked and everything gets slightly blurry, like looking through a gray-tinted plate of glass.

I don't notice clutter. I'm terrible at looking for things. I'm bad at registering what people around me are doing, which has led to countless situations of people thinking I ignore them. I'll do tasks using automatic body movements instead of paying attention in real-time.

Paying visual attention cost a lot of energy. I have to do it manually by concentrating. A crowded environment with lots of movement and focus-shifting quickly gets overwhelming and tiring. It'll make me feel unsafe.

I'm not really a visual sensory seeker because it easily bores me (ADHD). I do love high-contrast pictures with strong colors and light. Or an excellent wow-factor nature scenery!

Feel free to add your own experiences related to visual HS.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey cas. I've sent a few asks to this blog already anon and off anon, and you've always been an amazing help, so here I am once again.

I have (undiagnosed) autism and (soon to be diagnosed) adhd, and since I was little it's had an impact in my eating habits. I've been a picky eater, avoided a lot of vegetables ect. (its almost close to ARFID at this point)

now, my mum has started telling me that I need to eat healthier, and ik that while what I eat isn't rlly all that unhealthy, it's not completely balanced either.

my mother has been kinda weird about food for some time, she gained a lot of weight after having kids, and I understand that she doesn't want that to happen to me, but she's making comments about my weight, and how I look, and I hate it.

And now it feels like I have a voice inside my head telling me not to eat that, even though I know that if I don't eat that I won't eat anything at all, and that's worse. And it feels like she put that voice there, like it's saying the same things she is.

I'm just kind of helpless right now, I don't know what to do and so, I'm reaching out for help.

thanks a lot, and remember to take your time and put yourself first. <33

OOo this is a tough one.

(Please remember I'm not a doctor)

I think it's important to remember that your mom has her own issues with food, as most people do, really. At this point, pay attention to your actual health. What is your doctor telling you? And not just about the numbers on the scale (those literally mean so little), but like- what's your blood pressure, cholesterol, iron levels, all that like? Those things can be a huge sign of needing to change your diet. If all of those are good, then there's no reason to make changes. If you're feeling faint and your blood sugar is low, then it might be a good idea to find a way to get more protein and healthy carbs and sugars. If your cholesterol and all of that is a bit high, then maybe find a nutritionist that has experience with neurodivergence to help you make better choices.

But remember that there's a lot of unhealthy info out there about 'how to take care of yourself' that a lot of people buy into, so just focus on what your BODY is telling you. What is good for you could be bad for someone else, you know? And this is a journey that you need to be so gentle with yourself during. No judgement, no self-hatred, just self-encouragement.

Sending love and support!

naming you food anon!

[skyler10fic]

Public journaling because I need to get this out:

I'm having reflux/GERD induced by my anxiety disorder among other stress related things.

This anxiety is often triggered by spending time engaging with how awful the world is.

I do want to help raise awareness, make the world a better place, be a more informed voter, and do my duty to give everyone resources to do the same.

I cannot keep engaging with this reality at the current rate.

I struggle to set boundaries with my scrolling because it's my highest level/easiest accessible connection point with other people and something for my ADHD brain to focus on.

I cannot simply stay focused because of the ADHD. It is an inability.

At home, I do other things, like household tasks.

But I'm required to be in the office three days a week. Half days are an unofficial/coincidental accomodation.

When I'm at the office, I don't have little tasks to do. Everything is (honestly quite boring) deep thinking, high concentration work.

I cannot "just get a new, more interesting job" in a field that was always highly competitive and has been dying for 20 years. My job is very good for pay and benefits in comparison to others in my field.

So the key is I need a way to engage with people and work with my brain that isn't working against it: neither doomscrolling nor shaming myself into just staring at the screen and forcing myself to work at a slower pace so I don't have so much extra time. I can't just tell my brain not to be bored or not to need distractions.

If I get up from my desk at the office, I'm supposed to count it as break time. So I can't go on walks on the clock. If I take lots of breaks, that adds to the amount of time I'm physically at the office and cuts down on free time. (I do take 30 minute lunch and occasionally 15 minutes here and there.)

My group chats are great, but my friends have busy lives with lots of other things going on so it's not the frequency and volume of Twitter and Threads.

Almost all of my friends are far away, and the people physically close to me have resisted my efforts to increase emotional closeness and depth. They are all in for hanging out, but uncomfortable with emotions or vulnerability or friendship beyond "people I do preorganized activities with."

I can't eliminate the brain need through ADHD meds because of my liver problems (thanks for that, Strattera extremely rare side effects) and other medical risks the doc is not willing to take. Psych doc also says I need to show a positive result on the computerized ADHD $5k test my insurance doesn't pay for (created for hyperactive boys, not high achieving adult women who perform well on tests) to really consider my "attention issues" as for sure ADHD despite EVERY other medical professional verbally diagnosing me. I definitely have ADHD. This is not a question. But there doesn't seem to be a med solution anyway.

Possible solutions I'm working on:

1. More library books I can sneak glances at or listen to on my phone

2. Lists, curated social media experiences, joining more happy/low-stress groups

3. Boundaries, muting words, blocking abundantly

4. Under desk bike helps a lot when I'm not too tired

5. Standard GERD reduction tips and other physical health care

6. Mental health care

7. Listen to soothing ASMR at night

8. Physical self care (food, exercise, hydration, sleep, etc)

I think if I didn't have the ADHD creating a need that the doom sites solve (and by solve, I mean meet the immediate need by creating different problems), this would be easier. It isn't simple "addiction." It's higher up the logical food chain than that.

Today this came to a head with some emotional dysregulation: there is a big personal issue with someone I trusted potentially being a bad guy, and I can't talk about it with my local friends because they won't understand OR they are his coworkers, who can't discuss the situation with me for understandable HR reasons.

Add that stress on to the national / global doom written on the wall for political reality and history and life as we know it, and then there are Oppression Olympics competitors yelling at us that we're privileged , spoiled brats if we're upset because THEY have been marginalized worse than us and THEY aren't fazed or distressed because they are so morally superior to us BABIES who are apparently new here....

Blah blah blah

Anyway. I would very much like to get rid of this stress response in my digestive system so I can eat normal food.

[askablindperson]

How do you “read” people in conversations? I’ve been thinking about how people with clear vision rely a lot on visual cues when interpreting people’s words and actions (eg: facial expression, body language). What do you focus on?

Hello! Thank you for the question and I’m sorry I’m so late in answering it. This is a good one though.

The short answer? Sound.

The nuts and bolts of a persons particular tone when speaking can tell you heaps of information about what they are thinking and how they are feeling, much the same way that facial expressions can. If you think about when you’re talking on the phone with a friend or family member, and you’re not using FaceTime or anything, you can tell a whole lot about that person’s mood and reactions just based on their voice without too much issue. For me, It’s much like that, but all the time, and without the added headache of course of background noise coming through the phone speaker or technical sound issues lol.

It isn’t just about tone and the noises that may or may not be coming out of the persons mouth, though. You can also notice a lot about body language from sound as well. You can hear how heavily somebody is stepping which might give you an indication of whether they are frustratedly stomping around the house because they just dropped something important, or perhaps carefully tiptoeing down the hall late at night to avoid waking anyone up.

Other body language makes sound, too. If you pay attention, you can hear when somebody shifts their position in their seat. You can get a sense of whether they are crossing their legs and leaning forward in interest, or perhaps spreading all their limbs out and slumping down Low in the seat based on the noise it makes. You can also hear things like fabric rustling when somebody is animatedly moving their hands while talking, or frustratedly slapping their palms on the arms of the chair, or even when somebody is totally not listening to you by the fact that it sounds like their voice is pointing down at the table and they are more focused on the laptop screen in front of them or the paper on the table.

So, in reality, I am also still using body language in much the same way that fully sighted people are. But the way I’m getting that body language is by listening rather than looking, and using their tone of voice and speech patterns pretty heavily as well.

And honestly? I don’t really feel like I’m missing much. I pretty rarely ever feel as though I have missed something strictly visual, because these other cues provide a lot more information than most folks assume they will. So I find I can usually understand about as much as everyone else.

Granted, that’s not to say that I am perfect in conversations. I also have a heaping helping of ADHD, so I am certainly prone to interrupting people sometimes because hello limited patience and impulse control, lol. But from a strictly blindness related perspective, I feel pretty on par With most sighted folks in conversations.

Hope that helps you understand! Thanks for asking.

[nerves-nebula]

Idk about your intentions, and feel free to ignore me if I’m wrong, but Mikey sounds like a maladaptive daydreamer lol.

Just some background, maladaptive daydreamers use these huge fictional worlds called paracosms to escape reality. Some people do it because of anxiety or stress, but some do it as like a coping mechanism (which is how I’d see Mikey doing it based on your dissociation post) People with maladaptive daydreaming can stim while doing it, like rocking back and forth, pacing, etc, but some can master the art of being able to sit still and just daydream whenever. There’s almost an addictive aspect to it, and a lot of daydreamers have to take adhd or anxiety meds to shake it

Would Mikey stim at first but learn to stay still after Splinter lectured him too many times? Would his paracosm be the book that he’s writing about killing splinter? Idk feel free to look at this like I’m crazy but this subject is very close to my heart as I’m a daydreamer myself.

OK SO like. I don't know. and I don't know if Mikey has maladaptive daydreaming for a specific reason.

That being that I'm basing him on myself. I spent a lot (AND I DO MEAN A LOT) of my time in my head as a kid. I don't really know what a paracosm is so I'm not sure if I was exploring within them. but there are huge chunks of my childhood i really only remember via the emotional exploration I was doing inside these fictional worlds. Like most of puberty for me was just imagining gay fictional gods and forbidden love and abuse and violence and at all that. and it's hard for me to tell if that was a bad thing because it's linked to a very integral part of my personality- that being the desire to tell and experience stories.

I was always dragging around paper and pencils to draw these imagined worlds. But i was also often just sitting with my eyes closed (or sometimes opened, but closed if I wanted to really focus)

if I was painfully bored, or very anxious (which happened often, basically any time i was outside the house or not watching tv or playing a game) I would do this. If I was stuck in a car or a room while my siblings were fighting violently, I would force myself to try to only think about my characters. If the talk radio host was getting on my nerves I would try to drown him out by thinking about my characters going through their worlds and getting in fights and having sex and all that stuff.

this got even better (or worse, considering how you think of it) once I got earbuds/headphones and access to my cousins old ipod. I was finally able to fully block out the world and only, ONLY ever think of my stories. just how I'd always wanted.

and sure, I was always kind of spacey, but even when I wasn't thinking of stories and art I was bad at paying attention the way adults liked. I think adults liked me more when I was just sitting there thinking anyway, instead of being hyper and then having an emotional breakdown when i realize they thought I was annoying.

There was a particularly vibrant time for daydreaming around puberty where i had dozens if not around a hundred different intricate stories that I started to overlap, just because. And I'd go through them over and over, adding or changing little things, making up reasons that the characters would all end up living in the same bunker or fighting the same enemy. making up reasons for the god of war and his little lamb prince to be torn apart. making up reasons for them to attack each other. then forcing them back together through all the trauma.

and recalling these spaces makes me kind of shiver because they're almost like real memories to me. I remember thinking of these scenarios more than I remember my real life around 11-12 years old. And i think that's largely because after I got my blackbelt at around 11 years old, my parents let me quit karate, and didn't force me to do any more sports or anything. So for the most part I legit never left the house. My entire life was in these stories and in my art.

I really only stopped doing this once I got sent off to high school at around 13-14 and was basically FORCED to participate in the real world more.

but I did that all on purpose. i was bored, and i hated other kids because they never clicked with me. and it never seemed to interrupt my life in a way that my parents noticed or cared about. in fact it was the only thing that kept me from being actively suicidal for a while there!

so like. i don't know man. i don't know.

[featherlight-whispers]

What living outside of your natural sleep-wake cycle feels like: a (long) DSPD symptom list for writers

Note: This list is based on my experiences as someone who’s been living (almost) constantly outside of my natural sleep hours. For reference, my sleep-wake cycle is from 7.00-8.00 to 16.00-17.00 and I’ve been sleeping from 00.00-01.00 to 05.00-06.00 for the past two years. This isn’t intended to be a diagnosis checklist, just my personal experience as someone with DSPD. This is for authors who want to write characters with this disorder or people who want to know more about this topic. Full detailed list below the cut.

Dry eyes. When I wake up, I feel as if I’ve been staring at a computer screen with the brightness to the max in a dim room for 14 hours. This feeling usually goes away within 2 to 3 hours of waking up. Eye drops help with this.

Alternating bursts of energy and sudden sleepiness. I’ll elaborate more on the sleepiness, but the excessive daytime sleepiness isn’t linear nor consistent. I can be nodding off one hour and being perfectly awake the next.

Sudden sleepiness. I wake up groggy every day, but there are some where I get energy quite soon. However, that doesn’t mean I’m going to be energetic all day long. I usually nod off when I’m doing something passive like writing something down from a board or listening to someone talk for a very long time without being able to make it into a conversation (for example, being in a lecture).  I know when I’m going to fall asleep. I’ll start feeling heavier and notice my focus getting worse and worse until I nod off for what feels like a few seconds, wake up for a minute or two and then fall asleep again. It’s a very light sleep, so if I get called my name I usually wake up, and some people can fall asleep sitting up (like me), so the situation goes like this: I’m paying attention in class, and within some minutes of noticing the tiredness get worse I’ll be dozing intermittently, sitting upright. Getting up and walking around can help with preventing the sleep, but as soon as I sit down it happens again. Now, this is a pretty extreme case. It started happening when I was 16 (symptoms worsen during adolescence), but before that it was a tolerable tiredness. The fact that I could lay my head down in class and sleep probably helped too.

Melatonin pills will make everything worse. I’ve had melatonin and natural sleep-inducing herb-based pills prescribed. Neither work. They make you fall asleep fast, yes, but the sleep quality is even worse than usual and I fall asleep during daytime more easily than without them

Shit sleep quality. For as long as I can remember, I have never woken up refreshed and fully rested. Sure, there are days when I wake up fine even if I don’t sleep in my natural hours, but they’re extremely rare. I usually wake up more tired than when I went to sleep the previous night.

You get more awake as the day goes on. In my case, the sudden sleepiness stops abruptly after 18.00, and the closer I get to my bedtime, the more awake I am.

Sometimes you want to take a nap and you can’t. When I wake up later in the day (12.00 and after), sometimes I want to take a nap because I’m still tired at 15.00, but because I don’t have that extreme tiredness of waking up at five/six it can be hard to actually fall asleep, no matter how tired I am.

Less patience and more sensitivity to light and noise. The worse you sleep, the less patience you have. It’s only natural. Now, I’m not sure if the second part is because of my sensory issues, but if you’re going to write a character with DSPD who isn’t autistic/ADHD/doesn’t have sensory issues, you may want to be careful including this, but I have noticed that I’m more sensitive to light and noise when I’ve slept worse than usual, sometimes to the point of headaches and a strong urge to bawl my eyes out.

The amount of time you sleep means absolutely nothing. The reason why I sleep five to six hours is because it’s as good as my sleep will get. If I sleep, say, three hours, my memory and focus would be seriously affected, but I could sleep eight or ten hours and, as long as I wake up when I’m not meant to, I will have the same symptoms. As I’ve said before, it’s also hard to fall asleep early, no matter how tired I am.

Waking up is a nightmare and you have a lot of pent-up frustration. The first part is pretty self-explanatory, but the second one is due to a myriad of reasons: I want to sleep well, why can’t I? Why have I been dealt such a shitty luck? You also want others to understand you, but, besides the dismissive and ableist people, no one truly realizes how exhausting it is to live like this.

You realize how many parts of life are dictated by sleep-wake cycles. People who are/have diurnal lifestyles have things way easier than people with nocturnal lives. Not only is everything closed at the wee hours of the night, besides emergency services, bars and clubs, but socialization is near impossible. All your friends in your time zone are asleep for most of your waking hours, and even people in other time zones go to sleep before you. There are some advantages to this, such as being paid more for doing the same thing as your coworkers during the night shift, but this is not the case always. Some industries do not have night shifts (obviously).

You get a lot of time for yourself. The good part of being awake while everyone else is asleep is that you can do anything (within reason) and the chances of being walked on/being seen are pretty low.

And finally...

You switch to your natural sleep cycle incredibly fast. I can go from waking up at six to going to sleep at eight in two days. It almost feels like getting out of an uncomfortable, stuffy suit and changing into your favorite pyjamas. It’s more comfortable and you feel better all-around.

There’s not a lot of research on DSPD, it’s not diagnosed often and people with this disorder often have other comorbid disorders, such as ADHD. There’s a high number of people with DSPD who have depression as well, but the causal relationship between them isn’t known yet.

I hope this post is of help with your characters and it was informative. My DMs and asks are open, please be nice and don’t even think about giving me “tips” to “improve my sleep” (istg I have heard the term sleep hygiene so many times im sick of it) unless it comes from someone with DSPD.