#having a baby you may actually just be severely fucking depressed

[gibbearish]

reddit refuses to stop recommending me the antinatalist sub and i just saw a post from there saying "women who breastfeed in public or on streams are just doing it for male attention" like dude that's literally just Regular Old Misogyny. this isn't an antinatalist thing you're just misogynistic is all

[rederiswrites]

So ME/CFS (myalgic encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and fibromyalgia are two syndromes (collections of symptoms often found together, with unknown causative mechanisms) with largely overlapping symptoms. They're currently classified as different diagnoses, but there are plenty of people who aren't convinced that they're actually different things. The biggest diagnostic difference seems to be whether the pain or the fatigue is the biggest problem.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who, like me, couldn't possibly say which of those is ruining my life more. I, like many, fulfill all the diagnostic criteria for both. I have the specific patterns of pain and inflammation characteristic of fibro, but I also have the postural orthostatic problems (Stand Up Feel Real Bad disorder) and extreme fatigue of ME/CFS. There's no test; diagnosis is an inherently subjective thing.

This is just gonna keep being about medical problems, so have a cut.

I also have problems that may be related or may be separate or may be part of the constellation of physical issues associated with ADHD, like loose tendons that lead to terrible core strength and janky joints. So while generally the pain spots for fibromyalgia are considered to have no actual material cause, I am pretty sure that my right hip and shoulder are in fact fucked up, and fibro is just making it experientially worse. I've also got a rib that spends more than half its time in just slightly the wrong goddamn place. I have multiple friends who have hypermobility problems that make mine look like a papercut, but combining them with fibro isn't a lot of fun.

A few months back, at my bestie's prompting and with his help, I started eating keto, which is essentially just restricting carbohydrates so harshly that they represent less than 20% (or less than 10%, this seems to be bioindividual) of your diet, at which point your body begins building energy transport molecules out of fat (ketones) instead of glucose. This has a history of treating several conditions (originally, seizures, but now also diabetes and inflammatory conditions), well before it became popular for weight loss.

It was an experiment. Believe me, I have mixed feelings about the fact that it worked. At first, it worked really, really well. I went from mostly bedbound to up and working full days outside. I've started to hit diminishing returns and having to nap more often, but it's still a radical improvement. I just forget how bad it was too fast. I hate how fast we forget how far we've come.

I haven't talking about it though, because I am so conflicted about restrictive diets as a thing. This started as an experiment, and as an experiment I could sell myself on no apples no potatoes no rice no crackers no no no no etc for a few weeks. After a few weeks I could decide whether it was worth it. And now here we are and it works.

But I've gone through So Much food restriction, starting when Phantom was two and we discovered that gluten fucks us both up. Then the Boy was sensitive to so many things as a baby that I cut out the entire Top Eight allergens (let's see, can I remember? Milk, eggs, peanuts, gluten, corn, soy, uhh....others...) for a year while he was nursing. Once you've cut wheat AND eggs AND corn out there is almost no commercial product you can eat and you have to prepare everything from scratch. With a toddler and a baby. I was literally starving. I used a calorie tracker for a while and found that I was nearly a thousand calories short per day, on average. I could barely think.

It's become a huge depression trigger for me. I tell people that my last major depressive episode was triggered by not being able to eat dairy, and I'm not kidding. I'm struggling with it now, too. Most of the time I'm good, but still, despite medication, I get very low and I just want to be able to fucking eat something tasty and comforting and EASY. I just want...cheese and crackers. A whole piece of fruit. A baked potato. Rice with my stir fry. But then I eat too much fucking watermelon and I can tell the difference in my wellbeing the next day.

Food becomes a minefield. Every meal becomes a struggle. You question every bite, every symptom. At least once a day the whole thing is just too annoying and I decide to just not eat, because fuck it. I dunno if it reaches eating disorder levels, but it's certainly maladaptive. I hate that I've gotten here because what you eat actually DOES matter. it's like the question of how you talk yourself out of anxiety when the world is objectively falling apart.

But I can do the things I love. I owe all this garden progress to not having had a glass of juice or a bowl of pasta in four months. Not to mention the abrupt cessation of all my dermatitis problems, frequent "silent" heartburn, a ton of digestive problems, migraines, most headaches, and more. "Nothing is worth risking depression" but is it though?

I'm holding on to the hope that these changes will allow me to heal. That I'll be able to make long-term progress, as many people say they have, and reintroduce restricted foods gradually. That I'll be able to cement the opportunity diet gave me with regular movement and conditioning and slowly claw my way up the spiral.

But on days when I feel like shit anyway, and I can't have some fucking chips about it....yeah. It's not great.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Do you think breaking dawn went off the rails or was Vampire Baby the logical next step for the series? If not, what do you think the logical next step would have been?

This really isn't a question you should ask this blog for a few reasons:

I greatly differ in opinion than most Twilight fans and probably won't give you the answer you want on any topic

This blog isn't about Meyer or what people wanted from the series. It's about the series as is and trying to make the jigsaw puzzle fit together without relying on outside knowledge.

But I guess i can give it a go.

Did the Series Go Off the Rails?

Depends who you ask/what the point was supposed to be. For a YA series, it was a slap in the face, but it was after a series of several slaps in the face.

Twilight was the normal-ish, starting book, you had your romantic lead, your main character teenage girls can project on, you had people hating on it but at the time they hated on the way they hate on things like Barbie: because it was too girly.

"Real Men Vampires Don't Sparkle!"

(Yes, there were other people hating on it for much more legitimate reasons, but that was the big one you heard from people who didn't know anything about the books.

It's the one you still hear, actually.)

Then you get New Moon, which by all accounts, was a suicide novel on Meyer's part. The male lead dumps the main character, we don't see him for the vast majority of the book, the main character slinks into an insane depression that she never recovers from until the end of the book, and we're introduced to an entirely new cast of characters, a new supernatural thing, when all Bella as a character wants is for the Cullens to come back.

Now, they marketed it well, it became a love triangle. NOW JACOB IS AN OPTION! But if you look at what Meyer wrote, Jacob was clearly never an option even in New Moon. Bella dumps him the second she has a hint that Edward may have returned (Carlisle's car in front of her house). Even in Eclipse, Bella never really debates her choice, is just sad as she realizes she loves Jacob too but not enough to give up Edward and stay human.

It was a novel that I'm sure had her publishers asking, "What the fuck, Stephanie? Where's Edward? WHERE'S EDWARD?!"

Eclipse gets us back on track a little bit. We now have our male lead back, our female lead is dating him again, they have renewed conflict in the form of the secondary male lead and the love triangle and this new-born army thing in the background no one actually cares that much about. It's still a weird book, but it's relatively normal.

Then we get book four, Rosemary's baby, and the publishers died. Just died. Teenage girls don't want to read Rosemary's Baby. They don't even know how to market this anymore, it's not even a fucking trilogy like normal book series, they just say "It's a Saga! PLEASE BUY!" and promote nothing about its actual content.

My point is, though, the series was always off the rails. Twilight alone has insane shit in it, easily overlooked especially when you're thirteen, but it's fucking insane.

New Moon though was certainly something an ordinary series would never have done.

To say it went off the rails at Breaking Dawn is like thinking there were rails to begin with and not just Stephanie riding a missile waving a cowboy hat, "YEEEEHAAAAAAAAAW"

What Was the Next Logical Step?

Eclipse would have ended with Bella and Edward's wedding, Jacob shows up to offer his farewells and it's bittersweet, we never see Bella become a vampire. Just her hope for the future and knowing she's finally a Cullen.

That's how a normal series would have ended.

However, a normal series never would have gotten us to that point, would it?

[atopvisenyashill]

i actually was trying to think of good added scenes and the only other one i could come up with is the viserys & doreah in the bath, i think it does a really good job of balancing the exposition & sexy while staying grounded in the characters stories and sufficiently tied to the overarching plot. plus the acting is really great in it.

that’s what makes all the other ones really good too - that entire cersei & robert convo about lyanna is just one of the best acted scenes in the whole series, and the way mark addy looks up with such guilt in his eyes bc robert understands he’s a bad man but he is enabled by everyone around him to get worse & doesn’t care enough to try, and lena heady just. closes herself up and looks away. cersei will not give him a single goddamn inch. you can almost forget about the added black haired baby they had lmao.

the “500 people just stood there and watched” scene is maybe a little too heavy on the big speeches, not quite as natural as the writing in the robert/cersei scene, but still beautifully acted - the way sean bean just completely captures being so fucking unimpressed by his dude - it was still a great & natural way to get that exposition in there for the audience because it helps establish who ned and jaime are fundamentally as people and then putting it in the throne room adds a really raw element to nikolaj’s performance too.

and that’s really the key thing there right, is that those extra scenes have to have ALL of those elements. some of the other sexposition scenes that may be grounded in the character do not handle the sex/exposition ration well - the littlefucker brothel scene explaining his hatred of ned & brandon comes to mind, as does bronn explaining the story behind the rains of castamere song - and an added scene has to have a natural flow to it, it can’t just clearly be given to the actors so they can chew on some scenery while d&d are heavy handed as fuck with the cinematography like that goddamn chaos is a ladder scene.

the fact that all the best versions of that “two characters talking” and “sexposition” added scenes almost all come in season one is really depressing to me tho aksjsj these guys wrote one (1) good season of tv and then said alright pack it up let’s go home time to light several bajillion dollars on fire for no good reason.

[houseoracastle]

[THE DISILLUSIONED]. Please welcome HANK MACGILLIVRAY (HE/HIM) to Huntsville, WV. They are a 45-year-old RESIDENT who lives in TOWN. You may see them around working as a REALLY TERRIBLE COP. Poor unfortunate soul. We’ll see if they survive. 

—IN CHARACTER

Name: Hank Macgillivray Age: 45 Birthday: January 18 Hometown: Huntsville Length of time in Huntsville: 45 years Occupation: Shitty Cop (the best kind of cop tho)

ABOUT

i will add to this here and there depending on the day tyvm

hank was raised by scottish immigrants who didn't fuck around. he's got three siblings, one older and two younger. they were all kept very much in line by a cold and detached father who smacked them around when needed, and a strict housewife mother who was never afraid to say 'you just wait until your father gets home'.

in other words, his upbringing was pretty traditional and straightforward. he was taught to be polite, and he was taught to be the best picture of masculinity and all-american boy he could be.

hank worked out. hank flirted with girls. he played football. he went on dates where he held doors open and pulled chairs out and made sure his female counterparts didn't lift a finger or spend a dime. he met a girl, fell in love, went through several break ups and make ups throughout high school, and was eventually heartbroken when she decided to go to college out of state.

he thought about following her, but his dad's health was declining when he graduated high school. so he stayed nearby, deciding to go through the steps towards becoming a cop mainly because he knew it was a career he'd be good in. following rules was a strength of his, as was getting others to fall in line. it was his stature, mainly, but also his don't-fuck-with-me demeanor (when he wasn't telling stupid jokes and overall being a giant goofball).

hank actually was a really good cop. for a really long time.

when his high school sweetheart finished college, she came back home. they got together again, and this time they seemed like they were gonna last. he proposed to her, they got married, and a year later she got pregnant.

as soon as he saw the first ultrasound, just a little blob on a screen, hank was in dad-mode. he couldn't wait. he was in love with the heartbeat, and he was so in awe of his wife for being able to bring them such a gift. to bring him such a gift.

halley came into the world, and hank was pretty sure he'd never loved anyone or anything quite as much in his entire life, and he probably never would again. his wife didn't take to being a parent quite as easily.

she bailed pretty soon after, leaving hank and halley alone. it sucked, it made hank pretty depressed, but he kept it together. he relied on help from his mom with the baby, or from friends around town.

so hank struggled, but he made shit work. he would've done anything for halley, which sometimes included discipline and structure and routine, but always made time for stupid jokes and fun activities. hank was the dad that wore tiaras and makeup if his daughter asked him to look fancy for a tea party. he let his daughter paint his nails, and he didn't even wash it off after. he just went to work with chipping pink fingernails.

he dated, sure, but not much. it was difficult to imagine anybody being good enough to introduce to his child, so what was really the point of getting too involved with anyone?

then the paradox. not a great time for everyone, but hank tried to stay okay. he was happy to have his daughter, and he did everything in his power to keep her safe. he kept going to work, kept being a freaking awesome cop, kept providing for himself and his kid, etc.

and then he saw someone else who had followed all the rules get torn apart by horrifying forest creatures of the night. and shit changed for hank.

yeah, violence is bad. and like he will definitely get involved with major crime-y shit happening in town. but when he sees a couple of dumbasses getting in a fight? or he watches some kid shove candy in their pockets? he will look the other way. because there is a lot of bad shit going on in huntsville, and who is he to judge how other people cope with that?

oh and he 100% eats his feelings.

[flannelepicurean]

Mmmmrrrrgggghhhh okay. So. I generally don't like talking about weight, when tied to health things, in general, but I feel like it's important to boost stuff like this. Because the way people talk about bodies, and weight, and fat, is absolute bullshit in general, and it reminds me a whole, whole bunch about the ways in which I've struggled with mental health issues, and the ways in which that has gone hand in hand with stuff that's affected my body, and I just....turn into a 3-D Celtic knotwork when this shit comes up.

I spent a bunch of my life being really underweight, because I was either so goddamn depressed I couldn't do more than force myself to drink three glasses of milk a day to keep my body functional on a basic level, or so buzzing with manic energy I couldn't sit still long enough to eat. I've legit collapsed and gone to the ER because of this. But people around me still made really unhelpful comments about my body, and ignored the shit I said about my mind and my emotions, and the old, "You need to JUST [insert dismissive advice here]," rolled in over and over and over.

After I had a baby, and went into severe postpartum depression and anxiety, and my OCD went into the goddamn stratosphere, and the pandemic hit and isolated us all in the house together for two fucking years, I was the heaviest I'd ever been. The BMI scale (unreliable, I knew) told me I'd tipped over the line into Obese, and I got even more depressed, but I was determined to do something about it.

And I tried. And I tried. And I tried. And it took forever. And it was extremely non-linear. And it was never enough. And I was never happy. And I just kept being super depressed.

And then I got sick.

My meds got fucked up, and I went into a bipolar episode bad enough that I had to take two fucking months off work, after trying to keep it together for six goddamn weeks while things spiraled worse and worse real fucking fast. I couldn't tolerate ANYTHING. Light. Sound. Textures...And tastes. Sugar, salt, acid, spices...all of it hit my senses like a blast of rock salt from a shotgun. Like a medieval peasant being killed by a Sour Skittle, if I tried even the blandest tomato sauce. And it made me want to throw fists. And I couldn't sit still.

More than a year ago, and I still can't deal with a lot of flavors, and I still can't eat more than two fists' worth of food at a go, so I gotta just eat like seven small meals a day and a few snacks here and there. I eat on a hobbit schedule.

I lost weight. Got back down to numbers on the scale I hadn't seen in decades, that had been "target" and "goal" and a fucking dream of the future, when I was actually trying. And I felt like shit. People in my life tell me things like, "Well, eating that way is actually healthier! Spacing it out is better for you! Oh, it's great that you don't really eat sugar anymore!" And it makes me want to scream, because it feels like that, "Well, that trauma made you stronger!" bullshit.

And you know what? I'm still sick. There are a bunch of mystery fucking problems going on with my body and my mind. And I've been eating "right," more than ever before. I've been taking in way more fruits and vegetables and whole grains and complex carbs. I drink a cup of coffee and half a glass of unsweet iced tea a day, and the rest is water. I've been exercising more than ever before. I'm steady maintaining a weight that's probably pretty "healthy" for my age and size and all that. AND I FEEL LIKE TRASH.

So like...yeah. It pisses me off when people moralize weight and fatness and food and dieting and shit, and dismiss and discount and demonize all the complex realities that actually go into what human bodies look like and how they work. And it may be a privileged thing to say, and I will fully acknowledge that, but having anyone applaud a weight loss that came out of this much suffering, even after I fucking explain that shit to them, burns me up. Not just because of what it means to me and reflects about my experience, but because of the attitude it reflects for the whole subject in general. That something that painful, that traumatic, is an acceptable price to pay, an acceptable way to get to a new baseline.

Fucking awful.

Just found out that the dietary calorie is still measured by burning food in a "bomb calorimeter" and then measuring the heat produced. There's no solid evidence that this method is at all equivalent to how our bodies process food (an entirely different chemical process from combustion), the accuracy of this system has been disputed for as long as it's existed, and there are no available alternatives

There are 4800 calories in a kilogram of dry sawdust even though wood is completely indigestible to humans, because calories don't measure nutritional value, just how well something burns

Nutritional "science" is pure bullshit

[msfbgraves]

"Don't vote for Nazis" has gone from 'a truth universally acknowledged' to 'wokerati brainwashing' in what, 20 years?

Look, I'm not asking why. Same reason as last time. We've had several acts of terrorism (9/11- Reichstagbrand), we've had a global pandemic (Spanish Flu-Covid 19), we've had intense economic downturn (Great Depression-Great Recession), we've had state backed mass stigmatisation of an entire religion (Judaism-Islam), and we may not have had a World War, but we've had, or are still in, the War on Terror, and we keep getting hit by various climate disasters, and oh yeah, I'm forgetting the inflation-greedflation parallel. What we didn't have then was hindsight, but that doesn't matter apparently because now the US has published their own version of Mein Kampf with Project 2025. Oh, and it's not like racism, classism, ableism and antisemitism have gone anywhere.

The only different thing I feel is that this must have been what the 1930's were like for the US looking at Europe. Yes, we've also got plenty of Nazis people keep voting for, but there's some cap on it - some, I say - and now we're watching as another huge group of people is dying to elect a convicted felon as dictator.

I've always thought: what would I do if I'd been there? But now I think a lot of people were also so goddamn tired. War, Flu, Inflation, Depression and you need to keep a roof over your head and food on the table, AND you need to keep politics from self destructing too even though most of us have practically zero power to use politics to turn anything to the good? Every act of voting is closer to damage control than working towards good? So now you want us to stay alive, care for our family members that need help surviving this shit, and raise money to get babies out of Rafah? Because the governments of the world can't somehow pressure Egypt into not charging €5000 per crossing? And Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk are too busy installing Trump and Rowling is too busy oppressing trans people to do it? So, it's up to us, is it, again? (Just like it was up to us to fill the trenches and die for the Empire?) Oh, yeah, and everyone actually in charge is immune to the consequences? For fuck's sake!!!

[boypussydilf]

you rbed it like hours ago but i want to send an ask anyway for the fandom blorbo terms thing do doctor who rn

doctor who is the best show ever and i say that with a lot of things but with doctor who i mean it with my whole chest it’s incredible why doesn’t everyone watch it

blorbo (fave) i mean……….. probably the doctor……. although there are also several companions who occupy my every waking thought…. jamie, ace, donna… hard to choose one person <3

skrunkly (baby) UHHHHHHH. Uhm m mmm. K9, I guess. He’s literally just robot puppy and he’s trying so hard. Sometimes he’s MEAN! He shoots lasers

scrimblo bimblo (underappreciated fave) i exist in such specific and me-oriented circles of doctor who fandom that i dont even know whos underappreciated. I see people who talk about characters like jamie and ace a lot, but that��s…. because i followed people who post about jamie and ace. who doesn’t get enough appreciation…… you can argue that for a lot of characters, tbh, and other people would argue those characters are plenty appreciated. I guess Martha, probably. Martha’s good, and I like her, and she got done dirty by the Doctor, and a bit by the show, and probably by some fans too. Oh! And Nardole!

glup shitto (obscure fave) CHARLEY POLLARD <3 She’s not THAT obscure, but like, she’s not THAT obscure in the same way I go “I really haven’t seen that much Doctor Who, I don’t know all that lore and characters people are talking about!” and then I’ve seen 30-40 seasons of television including the episodes they had to reconstruct from shitty audio and still screencaps because the originals got stolen and listened to hours worth of audio plays, but like, i haven’t read ANY books so I may as well know NOTHING. Anyway any of my Classic Who Blorbos would probably apply in the greater scheme of things because there probably ARE fans who haven’t watched….. hours and hours of 60s-70s-80s television …. but im sayin Charley. She’s from the big finish audio dramas and she’s my everything my silly little rabbit and I can’t wait to someday actually…. HEAR all of her dramas and know uh. What the fuck happens to her. Does she die? She’s extremely fated to die, but maybe she doesn’t, I don’t know.

poor little meow meow (pathetic/problematic fave) Uh. Yeah the Master i guess. They have every problem and they fuck shit up for the self and then they go to the doctor looking like a sad wet cat and go oh please please don’t let me die as a consequence of my own actions. Sometimes they die sometimes they don’t. Also Rose?? Rose is great and Rose makes reckless selfish decisions and she’s wonderful.

horse plinko (little friend to torture for lols) can i say the Doctor again? The torment is unending so I may as well have fun with it

eeby deeby (get superhell’d) DEFINITELY ALSO the doctor. ESPECIALLY ten. They’re just so. A little fucking bitch sometimes. This is why they literally NEED someone around to keep them in line. Otherwise they just like. On their own they might have fun but they also might spiral into depression and commit incredible atrocities that they’d irrevocably hate anyone else for committing. It depends on the mood. The vibe.

[theglitchywriterboi]

POV: You don't understand what a general statement is.

OBVIOUSLY people can be sad they can't have sex/haven't had sex. I literally never said otherwise [I said you don't need sex to be happy which doesn't mean you can't be upset you aren't having it]. I've never had sex or been in a relationship & I'm sad as hell about that !!! & I especially understand if you're sad because you can't due to medical reasons !!!

I made this post not expecting it to blow up, so I'm sorry I didn't think of every single possibility for every person or word it in a way that YOU would understand meant I wasn't talking about you specifically or all people, but more of a generalized you. I made this post because I thought it would just be me & like 5 of my mutuals seeing it, not thousands of people.

Plus my point was sex won't be your only source of happiness, yes maybe for you it may be a bigger one than mine, or hell, maybe for you it IS your only source of happiness [or such a big source of sadness it overshadows the other happiness you feel] & that's valid !!! Sex is important to a lot of people, no where was I trying to say it's unimportant or that if you find it important you're wrong to do so.

Learn not all posts apply directly to you [& yes, even if they say "You" in them.]

"You've have to accept some people are allowed to be upset-" I literally never said they couldn't holy fuck. This post was about the people who are sad due to societal pressure & feeling like they're behind in life/it's shameful they aren't having sex.

By "You don't need sex to be happy" I mean "People will act like it's depressing to be a virgin/have a dry spell & that you should be sad about it & they expect you to be sad, but contrary to what they may say, you don't need sex to be happy !!!" not "Ummm you don't need sex to be happy & if you seekout sex for fun you're a weirdo & if you're sad you can't have sex you're a big baby cause you literally don't need it XD" or however you decided to take this post...

Yes maybe I could've said "Not everyone needs sex to be happy" But still. You decided to take this post in literally the worst way possible for zero reason. I am sorry you have difficulties regarding sex [really I am /srs] !!! But stop projecting. If this post doesn't apply to you, scroll. I'm not saying "You, over there you !!! You need to be happy even though you aren't having sex. Idc, get over it !!! Be happy, you big baby !!!" Like idk how you would take it that way.

Your reply is basically like if I said "Going outside actually makes you so peaceful !! The fresh air, the plants, etc" & then you going "Actually I have severe anxiety & depression so no going outside DOESN'T make me happy, you need to learn not everyone will find joy from the great outdoors, people are allowed to not be happy outside. Also this is ignoring the people who cant go outside because their neighbors are dangerous &/or the air isn't clean/theres no plants outside" Like bruh what ??? How on earth did you think I meant that...

Honestly we really need to stop being weird about older adults who are virgins.

& not even purely in a "I'm sex repulsed &/or ace &/or not into the idea of so I willingly didn't have it" but also in a "I'm 80, I would've loved to have sex, but it takes two to tango & no one wanted to have sex w/ me-" and in a "I'm 60 & I wanted to, but I had anxiety so bad I just didn't put myself in a situation where I could've" way, etc. [But yes also the people who are like "I'm a virgin because I never wanted to have sex"]

Someone made a post about having their 40th birthday & still being a virgin & someone commented about how it was heartbreaking... [The OP talked about all their other achievements they reached & how they were happy - just never had sex btw. They weren't lamenting about how they never had sex]

You don't need sex/sexual intimacy to be happy. You don't need romantic intimacy to be happy. [Obviously having those may add happiness, but like you won't live a sad depressing empty life if you're single forever &/or never have sex]

[strigital]

Ventum Tenebris Dramatis Personae

in shitpost format, so i don't lose track of who's who

CHEYDINHALL AND BRUMA SANCTUARIES

Assassin Kassandra Saryn aka Kass

tragic MC disease

literal feral child

flower picking after murder as a form of self-care

Speaker Lucien Lachance

manipulate

mansplain

manwhore

Madam Joselle Monnique

gaslight

gatekeep

girlboss

Silencer Saren Lethallas

not gay, but acts like one

Pretty Boy™

an aprax due to: none of your damn business

Silencer Gwendolyn aka Gwen

big

buff

mommy

Baron Vicente Valtieri

icon of homoerotisism

always ready for a heart-to-heart with tea and cake

will rip your fucken throat out if need be

Matron Ocheeva

strong dom vibes

hates The Lusty Argonian Maid

will ground you

Shadowscale Teinaava

definitely a sub

loves The Lusty Argonian Maid

would kill for a library membership

Infiltrator Marie Antoinette

very gay, doesn't act like one

has a different persona for every occasion

cutie-patootie

Tracker Telaendril Camoran

Green Pact abider

killer cook

lady in the streets, animal in the sheets

Death Knight Gogron gro-Bolmog

absolutely in love with Tel

wants lots of kids

looks like he can kill (and he can), is actually a cinnamon roll

Quartermaster M'Radj-dar

momma's boy

evil bastard

secretly kindest baby boy you ever met

Ex-Companion Havilstein Hroar-Blood

dog person

sexyman

immune to drunkedness

Ex-Companion Fafnir Hroar-Blood

wishes he was half as sexy as his brother

glorified doorman

probably an incel

CHORROL AND KVATCH SANCTUARIES

Speaker Banus Alor

very gay, acts like it too

soft heart, kind eyes

can't stand violence

Silencer Mathieu Bellamont

manchild

def a necrophile

easily manipulated

Assassins Maria and Blanchard

twinsies

a total of one brain cell is being shared 24/7

born together, die together

SKINGRAD AND ANVIL SANCTUARIES

Speaker Arquen of Alinor

fashion diva

big dick energy

wants to fuck Lucien so bad it makes her look stupid

Assassin Salmo

sweetroll king

none of his stock is poisoned, promise!

unironically good baker

Mortician René Korbin

broke ass rich boy

med student

just happy to be there

BRAVIL AND LEYAWIIN SANCTUARIES

Speaker Belisarius Arius

male Karen

too old for this shit

"y'all MFs need Sithis!"

Keeper Alval Uvani

clinically depressed

needs vacation ASAP

BEES

Silencer J'Ghasta

boxing star

buffest kitty cat you ever saw

always sus, always turns out right, always ignored

Seer Shaleez

communicates with the dead

sees future

probably severely mentally ill

BLACKTOWN

Samson aka Shady Sam

if it exists and it's illegal he'll sell it

awake 24/7 yet not a vampire???

knows everything that happens in IC

The Dark Stranger

omnipotent

omnipresent

probably the devil himself

The Inquisitor

like the Gray Fox but for murderers

no idea who tf he is

big daddy of TDB

The Viscount of Blacktown

very sus

probably very corrupt also

who tf voted for this clown?

Baron Emille Du'Cast

either was, is or will be Vicente's bf

just a happy little antiquarian

will sell you any kind of info you may want

IMPERIAL RESERVE

Huntsman Honditar

occasionally does awoo in the night

just a kind old man

misses his baby Kass every single day

Witch Melisande

emigrant from Glenmoril

keeps grumbling about how y'all are a bunch of ungrateful kids

actually just loves everybody

THE MILVAN ESTATE

Lazare Milvan

useless whinny brat

will harass everything that moves

fucken deserved what he got

Gotye Milvan

bezos of cyrodiil

disappointed in his son 24/7

doesn't have a heart

Odette Milvan

doesn't understand her boy is 25 not 5

no fucks given about anything at all

pretty but dumb AF

bonus:

[rozcdust]

I don’t speak to whores

Pairing: Bonten x AroAce!GN!Reader

Genre: Crack, SMAU

Word Count: 1.2k

Warnings: Canon divergent, profanity, ooc, whore behaviour, NO ROMANCE, just reader bullying Bonten

pt. 1 | pt. 2 | pt. 3

Was feeding him a PB&J sandwich necessary?

Probably not.

It was fun though.

Just as you were picking up your papers to go to the meeting you had scheduled. Mikey stormed into your office as if God himself was whipping him, slamming his hands on the table with all of his tiny, yet powerful fury.

Now thinking about it, he definitely seemed like the type to be into that shit.

You merely stared at his piercing, void-like eyes, trying to figure out where, when, and most importantly, if you fucked up.

Maybe he figured out you were the one to feed that PB&J sandwich to a severely allergic Ran.

“Is it true you made Ran throw his own flowers in the dumpster?!” Through his breathless, heavy gasps, the sentence came out more as a single word.

You cocked your head.

“Yes? Is that a problem?”

The loud slam of one of his credit card on your desk made you jump.

Who knew something so tiny could move so fast?

Especially something that looked as if it were poorly taxidermied.

“This is your bonus, you are golden, I love you.”

You blinked.

“Excuse me?”

“The card has 10 million yen on it. Do you want more? I can get you more. Actually, now that you mentioned it, you should get more. Let me just-“

Without even giving you a chance to speak, or finishing his own sentence, the small menace rushed put of your office, his mumbles of ‘Needing to go to an ATM’ still audible from down the corridor.

You blinked at the card.

You could swear it blinked back.

“Well, aren’t you truly beautiful.” A voice you can best describe as nails on a particularly moldy chalkboard pierced your ears, unfortunately drawing your attention to a particularly gruesome creature.

He looked like a fucking jellyfish hybrid born out of human hubris and misery, the awful mop of what he probably called ‘hair’ sitting on his head unpleasantly.

Do people consider this attractive?

“Hello.” Stoically, you greeted, disinterested and already tired of everything regarding this damn job.

Mikey made all these men seem like the Boogie Man, a terrifying yet constant presence, inevitable and permanent in their goal to make everyone around them fail.

Mikey was truly giving them more credit than they’re due, because all these bitches were is exhausting.

The fore-mentioned creature flashed a smile, softly taking your hand into his palm and kissing the top of it, his well-manicured nails digging into the sides of your palm.

Is this considered cute?

You’ve seen cockroaches cuter than this.

Suppressing a gag all while smiling a tight, uncomfortable smile, you wrestled your hand out of his ungodly grasp and plopped on one of the free chairs, next to a slim, decently aesthetically pleasing pink-haired man with scars, hoping he will leave you be.

Wrong.

Again.

You should start a Bingo card.

“Hello!” Energetically, he spun towards your direction, the chair producing an ear-piercing squeak as he got way too close to your face, “I’m Sanzu!”

Oh.

The spawn of Satan.

Great.

“Hello to you too.”

“Baby, you’re hot, I just may fall in love.” Beaming a smile your way, he tilted his head, his hand sneaking to rest around your shoulders, making your skin crawl the same way worms will through his rotting flesh if he puts his filthy hands anywhere close to your goddamn body again.

Thank God for rule number three.

Physical violence is encouraged.

And that is just what you did.

As minutes ticked by, incredibly slow if you may add, more people trickled in, all faces unfamiliar but two, one belonging to the slutty little bitch man from a few days ago, and the other to Kakucho, who you have decided to label ‘depression incarnate’, purely off the permanently sour expression on his otherwise pleasant face.

And finally, Mikey.

Just as he opened his mouth to shush his little rodents, you made a mental note to tell him his hair is an abomination.

The meeting was a fucking disaster.

If you had paper-thin patience before, the blond catboy has successfully managed to shave it down to an electron-thin slice of pure rage.

You had one job, one *fucking* job, present your shit, tell them they’re idiots - a Mikey approved method - and be the fuck out of there.

But no.

The capitalistic catboy had to interrupt you constantly, an irritating crescendo of “Sorry, may I just add really quickly-“, “Sorry sweetheart, let me-“, “Sorry, but this chart-“ almost making your ears bleed.

You could feel your blood pressure rising by the milisecond.

Hands crossed, foot tapping with impatience, you tried to finish your report in a polite manner.

“So to conclude your schedules-“

Of course the human embodiment of a Persian cat couldn’t even let you do that.

“Sorry to interrupt, but may I-“

That was it, your patience left you, dead and departed to chase wild buffalo in prairies of some better worlds.

Your face twisted into a sardonic, wrathful smile.

“I am almost done, let me just get this done, and then I’ll leave the podium all up to you.”

He tilted his head, his dead, irisless eyes staring deep into your soul.

Mikey said this was the romantic one?

Mikey clearly has no fucking idea what the hell is he talking about.

To be fair, neither did you, but you knew the definition of the word, and it did not include whatever the fuck this dude was snorting.

“Kokonoi-san, I am almost done.”

“But-“

The electron got split into a fucking particle, and with a perfectly sweet, professional voice, you picked your words carefully.

“Kokonoi-san” You placed your hands on the table, leaning towards him, with a sickly sweet smile, “This is your last warning. When you’ll have to deal with 8 idiots, then you may speak.”

The fucker leaned right back, an even sweeter smile on his stupid, horrifying face.

“You think I am scared of you?”

“Actually, yes, as all of you combined have the time management of a dead gerbil, without someone managing your time as if I were your goddamn mommy, you’d all be swamped and get nothing done in this godforsaken gang. I recommend you shut you mouth, let me talk, and listen. I can see your fucking browser history, you know?”

The flash of horror on his face gave you an incredible amount of satisfaction.

Straightening your back out, your cold gaze passed all of them.

“Any more complaints?”

Silence.

“I asked a question.”

You were met with a unison of muttered no’s.

“Excellent, so to circle back to Rindou’s schedule-“

Two days passed in relative silence.

Only two fucking days.

But you can’t have shit in this goddamn workplace, now can you?

You’ve seen feral hogs better behaved than these motherfuckers.

“Hey, y/n, I brought you these reports.” Blondie barged into your office, without even knocking, naturally, and with a cocky sway in his walk, he laid the papers on your desk, straightening them out meticulously.

You don’t know what it was about him, but you had a bone-deep desire to break his fucking jawbone.

You refused even look up at him, merely nodding instead, as it was your break and you were too busy complaining to your best friend about how annoying your coworkers were to pay the resident catboy cosplayer any mind.

What a fucking joke.

Kokonoi, for whatever godforsaken reason, stood by the damn desk, not moving a muscle, barely even breathing, still waiting on you to pay him a crumb of attention.

Not happening until that damn clock hits noon.

Minutes ticked by.

Your best friend sent their condolences just as the clock at the top of your screen spelled out the end of your break, and with a heavy sigh, and finally giving up, you laid your phone on the desk, glancing in the general direction of Mr. Krabs.

And there was a Burkin bag right on your desk, for whatever reason.

You stared at the bag.

It stared back.

You finally looked up at the man.

“We kinda got off on the wrong foot,” He sheepishly smiled, rubbing the back of his neck, “I want to give you this. As a peace offering. It’d fit your aesthetic well.” Shrugging, his previous humility was replaced by a smug smile.

Your face didn’t move a muscle.

On one hand, Mikey said to never accept gifts.

On the other…

This was fucking expensive.

And would sell great on e-Bay.

“That is very kind of you. Apology accepted.” Leaning your elbows on the desk as your fingers interlaced, you offered a polite smile, nodding your head.

His smugness only grew.

“I’m glad. I hope we can work together for a long* time.”

“I hope the same, Koko.”

“So would you like to go out to dinner sometime? As coworkers, of course, I’d like to meet you a little better.“

Raising an eyebrow, you looked him up and down, repeating it numerous times over.

“Well I don’t really think that’d be quite professional…”

“Oh come on, my treat, I’m sure we’ll get along great.” He laughed, playfully sticking his tongue out.

Leaning back into the comfort of your chair, you started filing your nails.

“I’m allergic to food.”

“What?” Kokonoi blinked, all of his previous mischief stopping to a halt.

You nodded, looking away, a look of deep sorrow marring your face.

“Yes, it is in fact a very serious condition.”

“Wait, so, how do you stay alive? Like, how aren’t you dead?”

“Photosynthesis.”

🔖Taglist (closed):

@1818cigarettes @nana-phobia @dilf-city @wakasa-wifey @rinsie @kisekihany @missarabellla @bajifairyy @cryszus @r-xochitl @m0rrax @levistiddies @bxnten @spookygeto @graythecoffeebean @yukihime-mikeys-girl @mukounisuru-gashadokuro @sunahyejin @crybabylisa @yamaguccitadashi @minoozi @gigibobigi @trashmemebitch @frogtits1 @sup-zfam @whydohumansss @xashiui @bontens-whore @nqctre @bontenacious @lumi-does-some-stuff @hana-patata @hxked @erza-uzumaki @sh4nn @sisnot @aurel1ia @nahoyas-nymph @one-green-frog @justrandomlypassing @kio-kookie @haikyuu-simps-assemble @arlecchino-n-scara-k @ayhashi @mOrl @tiredlattes @jeagerslutx @hayamirinrin @crown5 @medusalovessnakes @bblyerim @ohnoyouareasimp @sakinotfound @syddisheep @barcelona-sergei @solliver05 @ricecake23 @ayamvirus @vanillaashakee (second tag list in comments. in bold are those who tumblr won’t let me tag. my apologies!)

suggested by: @nahoyas-nymph

[anachrosims]

the sims community communications psa:

This post has been stewing for about a year now, so if anyone thinks this is directed at them... It’s not. 

These are a collection of communication issues I’ve seen rampant in the Sims community (and, let’s face it, the internet as a whole) especially in the last five or so years.

Communication is a skill, and it’s one that we are all hopefully continuously working on. Like any other skill, some people have a natural knack for it, but it is something every person could stand to take more lessons in no matter how well spoken they may be.

Each of these are things that I know I need to work on keeping up with. They are in no way intended to say that I don’t ever do any of these. In fact, these are all advice based on my own learning experiences and I hope they can help 

- - -

- If someone has done something to wrong you-- whether they have been overly aggressive in private/public and said something you disagree with, if they have been rude to your friends... --SEND THEM A CALM, CIVIL DM. Do NOT go off making a massive callout post or sending them aggressive DMs. 9 times out of 10, stepping away to breathe, and coming back to send a person a private, CALM and CIVIL private message, will yield WAY BETTER RESULTS.

- Don’t air your laundry in front of everyone at the drop of a hat. I know Twitter/Insta/Tumblr etc would suggest otherwise, but the whole world does not need to know about your beef with someone else. Callout posts should be a LAST RESORT. Even if the other person has been rude in their own posts and public communications, their childishness does not excuse YOU from acting like just as much of a twat.

- Don’t let other people’s behavior dictate the kind of person you are. I know this is way, way easier said than done. Coming from a person with severe social anxiety (and panic attacks), trust me, I GET IT. This is why learning when to NOT SAY SOMETHING, even if you are 100% justified in doing so, is a vital skill. Learn. To. Pick. Your. Battles.

- Do not harass/send hate/flames/slurs/etc. I don’t care if that ho over there just ate a damn baby, don’t go using racist/homophobic/whateverthefuck slurs and threatening insults, actual threats, etc. If you do that to people, you are PART OF THE PROBLEM.

- Learn. To. Respect. Boundaries. If you want to talk to someone about something very important, be methodical and respectful. I know it can be very frustrating, especially if you feel hurt/wronged. If someone says, “hey, I had a bad day at work, can we talk about this another time?” DON’T BE A DICK ABOUT IT. If someone does not respond to your DM within a few hours, DON’T BE A DICK ABOUT IT by posting little passive aggressive “hints” to ping their notifications. Fucking wait your damn turn. If you want to be respected by someone, being demanding like that is one of the worst ways to go about it. Is that how you want to be treated? No? Then don’t fucking do it.

- If someone takes advantage of your patience, and keeps saying they don’t want to talk about something, just block them. Chances are good that they are either going through something that’s really keeping them from having the spoons to hash something out with you, or they’re stringing you along. Either way, you may not get the closure you feel you need from them, but they are still not worth mental/emotional anguish. It’s okay to let them go. Don’t let them live rent-free in your head.

- Don’t fill your blog/chats/servers/whatever with constant negativity and drama. I see people do this, living catty lives and being constantly negative, and then they wonder why they’re always miserable and why everything always sucks. Take it from someone who is disabled several ways to Sunday and has severe major depression: Life sucks, and the only way you are going to find happiness is by fighting for it. Be more positive in your day to day chatting, post “thank yous” at random, if you see something you don’t like, guess what? You don’t have to complain about it. People will get tired of nonstop shitstirring and that includes YOU. Spare yourself and your friends the mental exhaustion and instead of posting about how you think all male sims are ugly or how you think TS2 or TS3 are for losers, just.... don’t. And if you can’t think of something else to talk about, maybe that’s a sign you really should start trying to change up your conversations.

- Block all TERFs. I mean, this is just good advice in general.

- You are allowed to step away from the keyboard. You are allowed to (POLITELY) tell someone, “I really need to step away from this right now.” It does help to communicate to others that you DO still want to discuss things, but you have every right to take some time to yourself. If they can’t respect that, even if YOU have hurt them, that is on THEIR shoulders, not yours.

[rainbowcolored7]

TAG NINE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW BETTER

Tagged by @evil-moonlight Thanks doll!

I think I've been tagged by a few others for this and I'm sorry I never got around to it! I'm going to be going through and trying to respond to the ones I've missed, but if anyone wants to tag me again feel free!

Favorite Color: Cerulean blue, baby/hot pink and bright yellow has been growing on my for a while now.

Currently reading: Uh, well, I think the last actual book I picked up was the first in the Shadow & Bone series, but as I usually do with books I got distracted by fic and fandom things. I have been meaning to go back and reread (and finish reading) all of Cherie Priest's novels, but they're all packed away in boxes in my storage unit unfortunately. If you're into zombies, supernatural themes, and steampunk I HIGHLY recommend reading her stuff because it's fucking amazing.

Fanfiction wise I'm making my way through @godotismissingx -Bedroom Hymns series for like the fourth time - https://archiveofourown.org/series/2475169

@kinnsporsche True North https://archiveofourown.org/works/39011805/chapters/97582617

And of course anxiously waiting every day for updates on @yeetlegay Fake Love and Hennessy https://archiveofourown.org/works/39083298/chapters/97769772 and @luckydragon10 A King's Tree https://archiveofourown.org/works/39298218/chapters/98339034

(I just spent an hour fighting tumblr to get the coding to work to do click through links and it still isn't working idk so sorry about that...)

Last song: Well, this is difficult to answer because I'm currently listening to music so I'll just name the few songs I've been listening to obsessively for the past week etc. Hindi Sad Diamonds - John Leguizamo, Nicole Kidman & Alka Yagnik from Moulin Rouge (yes this is entirely Tong's fault from the world tour, thank you sir), Always Remember Us This Way - Lady Gaga (it's kimchay and it hurts and I love the pain), Small Doses - Bebe Rexha (ofc a kp video turned me onto this one), Smother Me - Kelaska and OF COURSE Why Don't You Stay by Jeff Satur because, I mean, come on.

Last Series: Working my way through a 3rd/2nd and a half rewatch of The Devil Judge (I never finished my second rewatch), um, KinnPorsche of course, that one is just a constant. Also watching My Liberation Notes, but I had to to take a break because every single character in that show is so damn depressed and human that it really brings me down to the dirt and I was getting a bit too sad. When I can finally tear myself away from all my wips I'm really looking forward to watching the newest season of Virgin River (yeah, I know, don't look at me like that. It's sweet and wholesome and corny and hetero but it's yummy okay).

Last movie: Went and saw Thor Love and Thunder with the fam sunday evening. It was predictable, very marvel (derogatory), but I laughed a lot and it was a fun watch. Oh, and I watched Moana again last night as well because I heard Jeff Satur's cover of How Far I'll Go and promptly cried and lost my entire mind. Go ruin your life and listen to it right now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ex_NRs9VyNw

Currently working on: Oh gawd please don't make me say it... several vid edits on the backburner, peteporsche fic, lawyer!kinn assistant!porsche fic request by @moerusai , kp fantasy royal au, the haunting of Theerapanyakul house (a haunting of hill house vegaspete au) for the lovely @liyazaki , another armpol fic, the kp greaser!era fic and Vegas character study I may or may not be giving up on 'cause the sparks just aren't hitting right, AND several pieces of artwork. *cries in not enough time*

No pressure tags - Everyone I mentioned above! As well as @acacia-luna-royal @ahdriking @omarandjohnny @mematryoshkame @minisculecosmos @suga4mycoffee

Pretty sure that's more than nine but I cannot count. ❤️

[phoenixyfriend]

Vader Tries to Help

People encouraged me to share the dead dove concept! Yay! It’s a horrible concept with an undertone of comedic absurdity in the sense that you keep waiting to see what awful, incredibly stupid thing Vader is going to do next. Like it’s horrifying but it’s also very dumb.

By moving forward into the fic, you acknowledge that this is intended to be dark and liable to be upsetting, and that you are taking responsibility for your own engagement with the material.

This AU was helped along on discord by several parties but tbh I’m not sure how many of them actually want to be named.

Warnings: Mutual Extremely Dubious Consent (forced by a third party), drugging, irrational behavior (Vader), nonconsensual body modification, forced pregnancy, imprisonment, threatened torture of a child (not followed through on)

----------

Vader captures Obi-Wan a few years into the Empire. Because Vader is Anakin, but even worse on the emotional bullshit, he decides that he needs to keep Obi-Wan safe but harmless. Vader also got Luke in the whole 'capturing Kenobi' situation, so part of what Vader's thinking about all this is that Obi-Wan tried to protect The Baby and so Vader kind of owes him, obviously.

Palpatine lets him keep Obi-Wan "safe," because threatening Obi-Wan is a convenient way to make Vader shut up and do what he's told. Palpatine can kind of tell that threatening the toddler would make Vader lose his shit and attempt to kill good ol' Palps, so threatening the middle-aged depressed alcoholic being kept in Vader's guest room with Force-nullifying cuffs is pretty good. It's an additional layer of emotional torture on top of the electrocution of Vader himself!

Vader has Obi-Wan taking care of Luke, mostly, because Vader has Obligations and A Job, and Obi-Wan wouldn't hurt Luke, duh. He might try to escape with the kid, but he won't be successful, and Obi-Wan will definitely put Luke's safety first, so that probably won't happen.

This is all fairly normal for a variety of AUs, granted, and not very dark.

But see, Obi-Wan behaves. He's aware of how tenuous the situation is for him and his charge, so he plays nice. And Vader decides to reward that.

By giving him Cody.

There's an implied thought process there that Obi-Wan was fond of Cody, and Cody was fond back, and now that the Jedi aren't around, they can follow through instead of worrying about some silly Code. Vader's nullified the orders to kill all the Jedi, of course, possibly dosed their food with an aphrodisiac so they don't try to talk themselves out of What They Obviously Want.

Now, we’re going to make it a little darker, because why not make things worse by having Vader try to make things better?

Vader somehow twisted himself around to encouraging them to have a baby. This is accomplished through a combination of Sith Magic and nonconsensual surgery, and lots of questionable drugs.

Obi-Wan just wakes up in a hospital bed with a womb one morning, and is informed of the surgery then and there, after it’s already happened. The droid telling him about it is just like "in the Lord Vader's infinite kindness--" and Obi-Wan just.

Anakin.

What the fuck.

What in the actual fuck made you think this was a good idea.

(The Sith Chemicals, probably.)

I feel like Palpatine would maybe even order the pregnancy induction just to torture them by proxy because that's like eight levels of Fuck No and he barely has to do anything except tell Vader that he'd like to see what kind of children a Jedi Master like Obi-Wan has.

Luke needs friends, doesn't he?

Obi-Wan is having some very complicated emotions about all of this because Vader is, in his own absolutely insane way, trying to help.

Anakin wanted babies and Padme wanted babies so clearly, if Obi-Wan and Cody are in love, then they also want babies!

Cody and Obi-Wan very well might not be in love. Anakin definitely could have misinterpreted. It’s probably more angsty if they're just friends who ended up in this bullshit together.

(He's taking baby fever to new and somewhat horrifying heights, because... he would adore Obi's kids.)

(His family button is suprisingly large for a mass murderer.)

Vader Kindly Informs Bail That Obi-Wan Is Alive And Unharmed. Bail was a friend of Obi-Wan's, telling him this is only helpful and will keep Alderaan from getting more rebellious out of personal insult. Obviously.

Vader is almost offended when Bail implies he might hurt Obi-Wan. He kept his son safe, he owes him. Speaking of, don’t you have a child? How old is she, again? It would be Good for her to make friends, wouldn’t it? :)

Palpatine is just like... sitting back and eating evil popcorn as Vader runs around, ruining people's lives by trying to be less of The Worst than before.

Palps barely has to do anything, Anakin's fucking it up on his own!

Could have been just a sly "Kenobi is so attached to young Luke, but now that you've been reunited with your son, perhaps he'd be happier with a child of his own?" Come at it from both "make Obi-Wan happy" and "protect your relationship with Luke" angles.

Vader: I can't have babies anymore due to what you did to me on Mustafar. Obi-Wan: So you're punishing me by forcing me to have them instead? Vader: No! Children are a gift that you have been cruelly denied by the Order that held us in its chains! Obi-Wan: ...oh, right, you're insane. Forgot about that. Somehow.

Big dramatic speech about how the Jedi Order spent so long making them take lives, he’s giving Obi-Wan a chance to create it! To put something good and bright into the world!

Poor Cody is like. "General, I am very fond of you but I'm having a million panic attacks at the same time because of the mind control, and also Vader is under the impression that we're in love and I need to be your stud? I wasn't aware you could have children--" "I can't. Or at least, I couldn't, but Anakin is... creative." "...what."

I don't want to actually objectify Cody in the narrative past the point that Obi-Wan himself is, because nnnnngh racism and clone stuff, so I'm going to say Cody was in love with Obi-Wan, and would have been okay with at least discussing the whole baby schtick if not for the absolutely horrible circumstances.

Like if the war had ended normally, and Obi-Wan had expressed a desire to retire, unlikely as that was, then Cody may have suggested a dinner, and they could have gotten married and then eventually adoption...

(Cody had a lot of fantasies he didn’t let himself think about too hard.)

But no. It's this... weird Vader-inspired bullshit.

I'm just so invested in Vader trying to help but making things legitimately a million times worse.

He wants to help :) Oh god, he wants to help.

Why aren't people more appreciative of how hard I'm helping them? - the Anakin Skywalker story

With less time to stew and also getting handed what he wants, Vader could absolutely flip on a dime the second he saw Luke being protected, and go from “I hate you” to remembering that Obi-Wan said he loved him, and now he must keep Obi-Wan safe out of debt and he just... he’s playing house. 

Vader throws Obi-Wan a baby shower after the pregnancy is confirmed. Bail is invited, because Obi-Wan doesn't have a lot of friends still alive. Vader decides Bail is top of the Obi-Wan’s Friends List.

This is the first time they've seen each other in two years. Obi-Wan is heavily pregnant despite Bail knowing full well he didn't have the plumbing for that before the Empire rose. Cody is there and emotionally exhausted but more lucid than most troopers. Luke is running up to Leia because New Friend!!!

....there may be MORE of the 212th and 501st at the baby shower, with “kill all Jedi” orders revoked, of course. But it will keep the children safe!! And Cody and Obi-Wan can see their surviving friends!!

Cody: I'd be much happier to see my surviving troopers if they didn't all still have chips in their heads. Obi-Wan: I feel much the same. Vader: [404 error]

Bail and his family might be there at blaster point, but aren't you happy to see them, Obi-Wan??

Obi-Wan's endless trauma is honestly somewhat curtailed by the incessant need to facepalm at Vader’s bullshit

Obi-Wan and Cody both outwardly have a very "there are much worse people I could be stuck with in this situation but obviously I wish I'd had a choice, no hard feelings" attitude at each other.

Internally, Cody is suffering because this is NOT how he wanted his crush to be realized, and Obi-Wan is just suffering, period.

Cody: How did he even choose which of us ends up pregnant? Obi-Wan: He thinks I need to be protected, and that he needs to keep me safe. Cody: ...he does realize that you're better at-- Obi-Wan: Cody, he's completely lost it. No! He doesn't realize!

I feel like over the course of the year or two this plot unravels towards Palpatine getting murder-deposed and Anakin getting locked down, part of the driving force to Vader not being Vader anymore is that Luke actually really loves Uncle Obi and always starts fussing and going "Ben's sad" whenever Vader dismisses what Obi-Wan wants in favor of what Vader thinks Obi-Wan wants, and Vader can't deny his child anything.

Luke cries because Palpatine Feels Wrong like, once or twice, and Anakin goes “oh, okay, assassination time.”

[voidsaddiction]

I just saw an ad with an ‘adopted kid’ which I’m going to assume was a paid actor but if not was no older than 15 or 16 years old and had no real life experience who was against abortion and talking about how ‘those fetuses are lives and deserve a chance to grow’ or whatever

That’s fucking bull shit.

Please let me explain.

Let me tell a bit about myself real fast. I was born in Russia. My birth mother was a child with no wealth when she had me, and I was not her first either. She was entirely unable to support me so I was given up at birth, and I was adopted before I was a year old. My entire life, as a toddler, an adult, and especially when I was 15/16 and couldn’t explain anything, my adoption affected me. It influenced everything in my life and still does. It made it so I was so desperate for everyone to love me, so desperate to please, that I almost ruined my life. I gave all of myself just to build any bond I could. I ended up severely addicted to drugs and in a series of extremely toxic and inappropriate relationships that I only engaged in because I was desperate for a sense of affection that I had been denied since birth. It took years of therapists walking me through this to understand that this was unfortunately statistically normal for adoptive kids. If you take the time to do research into drug use, juvenile delinquency, depression, and suicide rates for adoptive kids you will find a large spike. This is immensely telling.

Don’t get me wrong, my adoptive parents are extremely loving people. They have given so much for me, and I love them deeply. But that does not fix the problem. There is a significant amount of research on pre-natal and parent-to-infant attachment, and on the effect of damaging that bond , and particularly during those first eight months. The study’s are numerous, and prove that during the first few months that maternal connection is extremely important to later life stress and anxiety control and the ability to connect socially. Breaking this bond and causing what is sometimes known as a ‘primal wound’ can effect that child for the rest of their life in deep ways.

It did for me. It’s caused me so much pain and grief. It’s made me feel so isolated, alone, and alien. I’ve never understood how to build connections in a healthy way, and even after years of therapy I still struggle. It is literally driving me crazy, ruining my relationships just as quickly as it destroys my self esteem despite the work I’m actively doing every week. And I’m not the only one. I’ve joined many support groups, and known many other adopted young adults.

The thing is. We have all agreed on one thing. At least those that I have personally connected with. I do not mean to speak for everyone’s experience, but for those I know we have agreed that It wasn’t worth it. Peace would have been worth it. Never experiencing this would have been worth it. Not having to struggle every single day to believe that anyone in my life not only love or likes me, but can stand me in the slightest, isn’t worth it. My adoption has made me insecure, paranoid, and severely depressed. My anxiety is up a wall constantly and I can’t in any way feel like this was more worth it over not having experience any of this at all.

I know this is morbid, and I am sorry. But I have to be honest about how I feel about my adoption. I am so lucky to have found the family and friends that I have, and I love them, but I fight every second of every day just to try and accept that they may actually want me in their lives. It’s exhausting, and I am tired. I fight because I am here, and because people say that they love me, and I want to belive them, but if I had never had to struggle in the first place than none of this would be a problem.

I would have peace, and I want peace. So as an adult who was adopted as a baby I just want to say that this has been a struggle every single moment of my life. For anyone who is pro life and thinks that adoption is the best option please take a moment to educate yourself.

I struggle emotionally and psychologically with myself every day and I really was one of the lucky ones. My adoptive parents are incredibly loving people. I haven’t faced abuse from the system or my adoptive family, but many in the system have. The statistics are not in favor for people in my situation. Life as an orphan is not one that we ever truly fully heal from.

I have not included any actual statistics here, but if you take a minute to look there are plenty of scientific articles out there with research on the subject.

Please do educate yourself before you assume that adoption is the best option for children. It wasn’t for me.

[tearblossom]

Orbital Station Scene Analysis: Part 3

Lmao here we go again. Ready to fall even deeper down the rabbit hole that is this scene with me!? This one scene functions simultaneously as my source of joy and depression and I watch it more than I would care to admit. So, naturally, I have even more to say about it! It’s going to be long. Sorry.

Part 1- https://tearblossom.tumblr.com/post/645095661644251136/scene-analysis-this-is-just-what-i-personally-feel

Part 2- https://tearblossom.tumblr.com/post/645776311115186176/i-was-thinking-some-more-about-the-final-scene

In this one, I’ll be going into more detail explaining the emotional mask that I believe Takemura is trying so desperately to keep on during this scene (and undeniably fails at several times, with it coming off entirely upon the scene reaching a certain pivotal moment) and also pointing out the instances that I feel the mask slips occur. Honestly, it’s pretty easy to tell for reasons that I will explain. I’m going to reiterate the fact that I am not a facial expression/body language expert. This is just one human being looking at another human being and trying to figure them out. This is just my personal interpretation of this scene. Prepare yourself for many, many screenshots and gifs. Also, I will be using the same video sources as the other two posts because I don’t have my own footage. 

https://youtu.be/ra-Ij1KU8r4

https://youtu.be/PUmQqVOq5oY

I failed to mention before the reason that Takemura even had to put up the cruel facade in the first place because I didn’t want to state the obvious and insult everyone’s intelligence. We all know the reason but I’ll just say it here anyway: Arasaka. 

Arasaka is listening to Takemura’s every word so he literally cannot say shit to V that would hint at any sort of affection for him/her and absolutely nothing that would indicate any growing uncertainty in said corporation. Words mean nothing here. He has to speak through his eyes and expressions because that is all he has to offer, the only cards he has to play. That is why the meaning of this scene can be so easily missed and flies over so many people’s heads. I do not fault anyone that may have missed this on a first playthrough or even those that are still unaware of it whatsoever because Takemura is very, very convincing at first (his face becomes an open book once the contract gets brought out but we’ll get into that later) and besides, to truly understand something that involves emotions as complex as these caused by equally as complex reasons or anything involving subtext really, takes multiple viewings to truly appreciate.

In summary, what I believe is happening here is that during the entire scene up until the contract gets brought out, his mental state is constantly teetering on the edge of a cliff so to speak. He is trying so hard to fight his sentimentality and control his emotional responses not only to V’s misery and pain but also his own wavering faith in Arasaka because they are watching, listening, and monitoring. And he succeeds extremely well at first but it gets harder and harder for him to maintain the mask. The closer he physically gets to V, the harder it is to pretend, to hide. His eyes alone betray him on several occasions but eventually the whole facade just crumbles and he falls. And when the contract comes into play is when he truly, honestly looks at V and the communication through his eyes really begins.

Here is the key thing- it is the most important visual clue to understanding when things happen: When Takemura is feeling any doubt or his emotions begin to overwhelm him or he fears that they might, he promptly averts his eyes to get himself under control and readjusts the mask that has slipped. 

He looks away from V during these moments!

(Just to clarify, I don’t think that every single moment in the scene that he looks away from V has this deeper meaning behind it. When people talk it’s completely natural for them to turn their heads, avert their eyes to look at other things, etc. These are just some moments that particularly stood out to me as signs pointing to my little theory.) 

Okay...let’s start deciphering this conflicted, broken mess of a man.

Scene starts. Takemura is fiddling with the Rubik’s Cube. He puts it down. Expression cold as ice.

mask on full display in all of it’s glory

They talk about Saburo being back in the body of his son and have this exchange of words:

V: “Saw Saburo Arasaka’s back. In Yorinobu’s body.”

Goro: “Yes. Justice has been done.”

And then it happens for the first time...

(Could this be...doubt perhaps? Has justice really been done?)

Moving on- he walks over to stand behind the chair across from V, telling them of their imminent death.

Goro: “I will be blunt - the surgery did not help. You will be dead before winter.”

And then he proceeds to make this face immediately after...

(Lovely, isn’t it? Just full of sympathy. His mask game is strong. But don’t worry though because V wins in the end BIG TIME.)

Understandably, V gets very upset upon hearing this news.

V: “How... how’s that possible? Arasaka’s got the best and the brightest.”

And then something happens again. Whatever could it be, I wonder!

But wait, there’s more!

(He couldn’t even wait until he finished talking before looking away! It’s getting more difficult for him to look at V with a straight face every second! Also, his expression here is the most broken looking yet.) :(

He must not reveal what is hidden behind this emotional wall that he’s worked so hard to build up specifically for this meeting because the room they are speaking in may just as well be made of glass with Arasaka’s unrelenting gaze, an ever-present entity, on the other side of it. He will do so soon though, when he offers V salvation. The contract raises the stakes. The rules change. He feels the wall breaking and there isn’t anything he can do about it and he knows it.

IT’S CHAIR TIME, CHOOMS!

He looks away another 6 TIMES! Leaning more and more over that edge. Feast your eyes...

IT’S CONTRACT TIME, BABY!

Oh, shit!

It’s happening!!

He does look away here but there’s no mask on when he looks back...only despair.

It’s gone.

TO SIGN OR NOT TO SIGN

The disguise is off now. From this point onward, Takemura looks at V with his true feelings on display. This is where the ability to read the emotion portrayed solely through one’s eyes really comes into play because even though he’s not trying to hide anything anymore, he still can’t say what he really wants to say. We have to feel it through his expressions. His thoughts are so loud during these final moments of the scene that we don’t even need words to know what he’s saying.  

REFUSE TO SIGN

SIGN

HOLY GRAIL MOMENT!

(I’m literally going to copy and paste what I have in my part 2 analysis about this section because I explained my thoughts on it about as well as I am able to there and have nothing else to add. My apologies for repeating myself but I feel the exact same way about it so it still applies here.) 

These reactions make perfect sense because we’ve always known that he cares deeply for V and never stopped. He just couldn’t hide it! But even with this treasure trove of emotional mask slips and unintentional displays of affection, I still wasn’t sure exactly how deeply he cared for V. In other words- if he was actually in love with V or not.

Is he already in love or is he still in the process of falling in love? Is it just a friendly love? (hell no! I knew that was definitely not the case but I still had to ask just so I could cross it off the list!)

And then the two of them walked to the door and said their parting words.

V: “Gonna see each other again?”

Goro: “I believe we will.”

V: “So… see you.”

Goro: “Visit me in Kagawa - I will show you what is real food.”

And then…

he proceeded to make these faces…

HOLY

SHIT!

(The mask isn’t just gone now- it’s burned, splintered, shattered, exploded in a million pieces, disintegrated!)

This man just had the biggest revelation of his entire life: the realization that he is in love with V. These are looks of love and I will not be convinced otherwise. I’m not a facial expression expert or anything, only stating my humble opinions here, but are you seeing this!?

He realizes the truth and it catches him so off guard that he has to look away. He contemplates these newfound feelings and tries to sort them out in the few seconds that he has left with V. And he does. He accepts them. He welcomes them. The gentle, knowing look he gives V when he looks back at them is saying just this.

He also knows that he is now fucked because his love for V is going to complicate things so much more than they already were. Now that he is fully aware that he is in love, these feelings are going to directly conflict with his duties to Arasaka later if a situation arises that places V and Arasaka on opposing sides and I think we all know that is most definitely going to happen at some point.

And now he has to see the love of his life die and just leave this place and go on with his day. Damn. This is turning into one of the saddest love stories I’ve ever seen. Something major is going to happen in the dlc that is going to force his hand one way or another: V or Arasaka? I hope that Arasaka somehow fucks up so bad that it makes his choice easier but my heart breaks imagining the amount of conflict and torment that await him.

The Beginning and The End