#haven't processed anything yet.
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NEW HUNGER GAMES BOOK?!?!?
EXCUSE ME WHAT THEFUCK???? just googled and Sunrise On The Reaping?!??!!!! haymitch's games??!!!! i am throwing up
#you broke the news to me. pls know i amstill in shock#haven't processed anything yet.#need to check my phone to see if jo messaged me about this kjdkjdhjkd#soooo excited to break the news to my brother!!!!!#anon#answer
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We really should talk about how twice now Aizawa's only warning that everything was about to go to shit was that Mic was in immediate danger
#my hero academia#bnha manga spoilers#erasermic#eraserhead#present mic#aizawa shouta#yamada hizashi#can you imagine?#you're the man with the plan. you've got erasure.#everybody's looking at you to stop whatever the hell is going on#and all you can process is that you're about to lose the one person you can't live without#(it's almost like he has trauma over watching a friend die and being unable to do anything about it)#(y'know. in case i haven't dealt enough emotional damage yet. let me add on since more.)
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Things about the EOS that have me pissed
All the Megucas who still haven't been uncapped
The crossover girls who never got released despite seemingly every intention to
The manga isn't done yet
Felicia never got a solo alt that wasn't an april fool's unit
Sana only got one alt
The Manga isn't done yet (I assume it will keep going? please?)
Never released madohomu dual unit
While the game will close the Anime, which is Not Good, will still be available, making it the one that will "stand the test of time" (bleugh)
all of the megucas with rich and complex stories which will be left behind
the fact that it's seemingly closing so that a new madoka game can release- one that I'm now pissed at just on principle.
they *really* can't think of a better thing to do after the EOS than that stupid archive????? really??????????? not even a homescreen girl just the archive???????????????????????????????
#magia record#this is kinda negative sorry#I haven't fully processed anything yet#this is just some stuff that has been nagging at my mind
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ummm. my fic is done.
#I mean it still needs a bit of editing but like after almost four months#the hell (writing) is finally over#it's clocking in at around 61k words rn and im tired#time to relax ((cry))#actually you know what. fuck it I'm gonna overshare about this a bit.#I've never written fic before#and besides that - this is the first thing I've sat down to write seriously in about ten years#and ten years ago I was just writing poetry and papers for college#(I don't mean 'just' in a bad way - I only mean that it's been a very different experience for me personally)#very protective over this fic in that it's been sitting in my lap and in my brain for a few months and I don't want to give too much away#so I've deliberately been vague with the marketing of it. because I want people to read and be surprised and experience it firsthand.#and I know it's supposed to be self-indulgent and writing should be about the process and not the results but#I hope people read it??? I've poured my soul into this thing. a bit. a lot. and I'm a simple creature who craves validation.#it's very personal yet at the same time I feel like I haven't done anything new or groundbreaking which. okay it's self-doubt saturday so.#I should ignore that feeling. anyyyyyyyyway.#I hope to post the first chapter in two weeks. crossing my fingers that I don't abort mission before then aaaaaahahaha#also comparison is the thief of joy etc etc etc#danny.xls#danny writes
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congratulations to Spahr, who I've been roasting all weekend as a beautiful but useless man we'd all love to see actually do something one day. he's finally done something useful, by refusing to do something but that's genuinely actually doing something for once.
well, he's still useless if you're, like, Weepe but y'know.
#iirc fshieldmaiden pitched way back between the seasons it'd be fun for Spahr to finally move past not doing anything by not doing something#which huehuehue when they finally listen to the episode#There's other stuff to think about but I haven't PROCESSED the other stuff yet okay hold on#Midst things#Midst spoilers
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Mom got me an immortal pumpkin
Well, crafting pumpkin, but still, it's unrottable. I'm very pleased. I might knit it a cap just for it, that sounds fun. 🙂
#rae is such a dork#I like pumpkins but they always rot when I get one for the season because I like to keep them around#So now I have a forever pumpkin#In other news#My great uncle died a few days ago and I'm sort of processing that#I was just thinking last week about the $20 bill in my wallet he gave me about 6 years ago for my birthday that I haven't spent yet#He gave me it for my birthday to buy that Definitively Dangerous Edition book without him really knowing I had already bought the book#So he said that I could just use it to get myself something nice instead#I never found anything I wanted to spend that specific bill on#It's a crumpled old $20 but it's special to me#You get what I mean right?#The moment surrounding it was worth more than the monetary value itself to me#It was a nice day and during a family reunion that took place a couple weeks after my birthday
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when my roommates put things back in the kitchen incorrectly it makes me frustrated and angry. apparently, did you know, this is not a thing all or most humans experience ? some people don't have an intense emotional reaction to things not being stacked in the optimal way, or pans not being put back in their "usual" spot. did you know this. did you.
#personal#I'm having an online interview on autism tomorrow and so I'm researching and reflecting more#not like this is ground breaking or anything but just. it's interesting to me that this typically doesn't elicit an emotion for people.#I've been crying a lot over autism videos#I haven't had a chance to process my diagnosis yet really and there's still so much for me to learn and accept about autism#like feeling shame and guilt bcs of disability has been a huge problem for me lately. not being able to accomplish what I want to.#and seeing videos of other autistic ppl who were really attached to the idea of who they would become when they got older#or identified a lot with who they were while masking#and now have to let go of those things. and figure out who they actually are and are capable of doing without burnout.#whoof man. its a lot. i still haven't let go of who i thought id be when i grew up. to the extent that said struggle is part of my identity.#it's just. I am autistic. several medical professionals familiar with autism saw me and went 'yeah you are autistic'.#I spent so long learning how to better cope with my depression.#and it turns out some of that advice is opposite to what you need if its autistic burnout instead#which im gonna assume i just kinda had both going on at various times#i just. im not sure what to do with my life.#but i guess first i have to make my life more baseline liveable and enjoyable before i start pondering that#change is hard. basically. thats what this was about.
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my mother passed away today
#brain hasn't yet decided if that means no writing or all the writing to distract myself#haven't really processed anything yet this was very sudden and unexpected#𝟎𝟎 ⠀ ⠀ ✦ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀out of character
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Also it suckssss that I've finally found a way of coloring that I enjoy looking at AND working with but I never have any ideas for drawings I'd like to color. I struggle a lot with drawing characters just like "floating" when I'm doing digital art which is when I color stuff because it's just easier to color that way!!! I'm always like Well what are they even supposed 2 be doing ... ?! when it literally does not matter but u don't understandddd I need to fill up that canvas or I'll DIE !!!!
#I do have that canvas full of VBS doodles that I haven't fully colored yet u.u#+ the Mary drawing is still a work in process .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·. cuz it's a TASK and I need time for it#like a nice chunk of time where I don't need to do anything which is surprisingly hard 2 come by lately !!!! 😫😫😫#diary
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sometimes it really is just like. is this all there is. feeling oversensitive & undersocialized—too sensitive to socialize—forever, bc you never got enough ~affirmation~ growing up (poor, pathetic baby; how long will you persist in singing the same self-pitying song…), & so never developed the proper emotional cushioning against the heartache & the thousand natural shocks, &c, &c, &c, &c, &c…
#like—you can't get close to people if you're too raw to bear the inevitable grit of misunderstandings and small incompatibilities#we all fail one another. sometimes in a myriad of small ways‚ sometimes in big ones—#sometimes you and people you care about are simultaneously failing each other on separate but parallel tracks#and ultimately you have to be able to bear that and keep reaching out to people anyway‚ as you hope they will to you#and i just. i need so badly for something—someone—to be new and good and an easy fit‚ because i haven't got trying in me#but also frankly i wouldn't trust anything like that if it appeared to me‚ at this point#molly grue voice how dare you come to me now &c#i'm a fussy person whose capacity for delight has drained away#and i think it's SO important to be kind and yet still so often i don't manage it#despite biting my tongue SO often that it hurts‚ which has taught me to feel there's nothing acceptable abt my own reactions#and i never MEAN to be pompous or dickish or whatever but caring about precision and conscientiousness and whatnot isn't in fashion#so i'm pretty sure that's how i come off to most people#and there's no prospect of anything changing and it's just like. sometimes in the night i think. well. i'm basically already dead then.#like. the last‚ i don't know‚ almost-decade at this point has been a slow painful process of sinking ever deeper into exile#stripping away various social positionalities and connections in trade for—nothing.#alien nation.#all the norms are shit but outside them—what is there.#anyway.#feelingsblogging
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They diagnosed me with liking comics disease
#i don't think ive ever thought about anything more in my entire life#genuinely it's probably right below thinking about food#I'm sick with it. there are gutters dividing the moments of my life#there are gutters dividing the weeks#it's like if i just get a little bit closer to the medium I can step inside#it's like I can understand a language but can barely speak it#my first language. I'm trying to speak it.#the panels crawl under my skin and the speech bubbles writhe in my gut and can someone die from this#can someone shed their skin and spread their wings from this#I'm heady with overexposure and waiting for a turning point that will never come where it somehow all falls away#stops being hours of my life and starts being one pure point of knowledge#no idea what's supposed to happen then. time shouldnt exist.#if I read enough comics -- *dissect* enough comics -- practice the language of scriptwriting --#if I process it all right I'll turn it into a diamond of certain knowledge. and then the perfect comic will pop fully formed out of my mind#the comic that all the others were building up to. the holotypical comic.#<- I forgot the right word for the version of something that is the best. but this is funnier#either way idk why my mental illness has decided this is actually going anywhere.#all I've got is a document titled “KILL THE FAIRY QUEEN” and 430 xmen comics in the past 3 months#and a bookshelf that's a little bit past capacity#dont even have a good grip on the language yet smh#i feel like im going to die Alien chestburster style and it'll be a speech bubble bursting out of me instead#you can spend thousands and thousands of hours on comics without even scratching the surface#and I haven't. i haven't scratched it yet
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I think I may go back to setting 9AM-10AM as my daily writing time. It's worked really well for me, because it gets my writing done before work stress gets piled on me and exhausts me too much to be creative. It also works well with the seasonal depression issue--my winter depression usually hits hardest in the evening after the sun goes down. A morning writing time avoids trying to get writing done during that worst mood time.
In the past, I managed to write daily for three months straight, no exceptions or missed days, by making myself write in the morning. It's also how I managed to win NaNoWriMo.
#writing#writeblr#writblr#writing process#writer problems#personal#op#I say this and yet it's almost 10am and I haven't written anything#HOWEVER#today I'm off from work so writing can rly be done whenever#also I didn't say I've started holding myself to the commitment yet XD
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thoroughly convinced my professor has a hard on for failing people in this music history class that's only offered once a year and not offered online anywhere. 45% course weighting on an exam that hasn't been changed since he got here, causing all of us to run out of time, when he's already explained that he expects us to do poorly and even fail the first exam. several people got 20-40% on the exam btw. and the icing on the fuckin cake is that our assignments are not even worth points. they have a 0% weighting. we're just doing these 4 page summaries on 20 page academic literature and it's not even worth anything. he won't even let it help our grades. he's proudly boasted about how he's not afraid to fail anyone and that he'd dig up his grandma and fail her. like dude this is insane
#i failed the class last year#because on our 10-12 page essay#i didn't have a central argument. realized way too late how awful my topic was#i had nothing despite all of the research i combed through#and#because he decided 2 months into the semester + changing the whole class format#that he couldn't test us on anything so we had no exams#BUT our essays would then be worth 50% of our grade ish#enough to bring me from an A to an F :)))))))))))))))))))#and ive come to terms with it#and that it was ultimately only my fault#but this year#im genuinely going to talk to someone about this because he's never made his assignments worth 0 points#yet not completing the assignments will hurt our grade#i haven't failed to complete any assignments bc#im really not messing around this year#but his exams are so fucking hard dude#everyone knows it. he even told us that he expected a class average of 60%#my grade dropped from a B+ to a D-#weeee#im starting the studying process for the next exam literally asap#as soon as we start studying the next piece in class
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Tomorrow is my first ✨️jour fixe✨️ for that journal i'm supposed to be responsible for from next week on. Upsetting.
#i don't wanna#and also i haven't signed any contract yet so what if i don't want to do it? what then huh?#i haven't been asked or included in this decision making process#i can still say fuck no#especially if they don't get me a new contract before september starts#this is so ridiculous#this manager has no concept of how anything works and my beloved colleague has tried everything to talk some reason into him#evidently without any success#also in the meeting description (on teams) the manager/boss wrote 'we also wanna officially welcome [my name] to the team <3'#that dude hasn't talked to me about this at all. if it wasn't for my colleague i still wouldn't know what the fuck my position in 'the team'#will be. I'd just assume I'd be helping out lmao#the <3 destroyed me. the fucking audacity#whatever it'll pass and i don't even care anymore#sure. give me [BIG] journal without me having Any training on how to manage that. see what happens <3#void screams#work stuff
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there should really be like. a peer support network for people who work/volunteer in animal rescue and care. because good god it's needed
#nonsense radio#(pet death tw for the rest of the tags)#(it's kind of just a vent so feel free to ignore)#the bastard foster kitten died today#it's really hard to guess at the cause but i think he just had problems with being able to handle any kind of stress#he was doing so poorly at the rescue and rebounded when we brought him home to a (marginally) calmer and quieter environment#but he got worse again after that and we weren't able to help him recover again#my mom is really blaming herself for taking him back at all but i don't think it's her fault in the slightest#even if it hadn't happened now it would have happened when he struggled to adjust to his new home after getting adopted#and we couldn't possibly have kept him#i'm not really feeling anything yet and to be honest i feel guilty about that but it's just due to. the everything#haven't had a chance to process because i've been dealing with The Child while mom dealt with all this#the kitten's name was lilbit although he had a different name at the rescue#now that he won't be publicly posted with that name anywhere i feel fine disclosing the name we gave him#it just feels weird continuing to call him The Bastard Foster Kitten somehow#he was a sweet little guy even if he was a force for chaos (as all kittens are)#broken paw girl + broken pelvis boy + the little bean are all doing alright by the way!#the little bean looks a lot like lilbit so i've been calling him the squeakquel although i think i posted about that already
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i was genuinely planning to watch more of ratastrophe tonight but i started it, got to "[you whispered to unidingo: please don't die out there yet] I think their hunt is more successful if i'm not there" and my phone case literally fell apart in my hands. so.
#whisp whispers#i do have so many thoughts about that. the transition from 'i want you alive for the lilies' to 'don't die yet' is so. hm#i could disect the way fishie acts about her allies i think it's so.... this is the first time really she seems to accept they will die#kikis season one death was obviously devastating. space's should've been expected tbh but it also sucked. and then moch... i mean.#moch dies and fishie suddenly gains a very strong sense of her own mortality. it's not from being on red. she was on red and said it felt#better. and then moch died. and she ran.#i honestly don't remember much of fishie s2 because i watched it all in like a day maybe two and haven't rewatched any of it since. but#again she seems so. convinced she and dingo will live. she is so unbothered when dingo dies and is more shocked than anything by the tunes#and season three. look how well the lilies are doing. and then dingo dies. and then moch dies. and then moch dies again. and suddenly death#is real to her. it's an inevitable. it's not something they can ignore anymore death will happen to them and it hits fishie the hardest#please let me revive you. please. please. the words of someone who did not get to process death before it happened. and then it's 'yet'.#it's not 'don't die' it's 'don't die yet'. death is something that will happen now. and if fishie wins then. god. i think that would kill#her. if she's standing out there alone. death is a very real thing now isn't it.#im hoping for a fishie win it does seem like fishie won. but i still don't know actually#they should let oku win for funzies#these tags could be their own post but i'm not rewriting them so. meh#edit hi i totally forgot about the 'without me there' bit. beastlife fishie not blame herself for death challenge (impossible)#i think the way she blames herself actually ties directly back to the whole refusing to acknowledge mortality thing. she's so surprised when#people die as if she's not in the death games. should somebody tell her she's in death games
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