#have to give credit to my friend who helped me plan out and execute my idea in the best way possible

[allens-chocolate-dreams]

The Fallen Hero Fanzine 2024 hosted by @limepigeon is finally out, and so I figured I'd share my pieces for it!

I loved working on this, it was a new challenge and a delightful one at that. And the whole zine is full of very talented and skilled writers and artists, so I'm really excited and proud to be among them!

[confessionsofkotlc]

To the person who asked why Keefe is complex, I thought I’d try to give my two cents on the matter.

Also it’s totally fine if you dislike Keefe! He’s just complex, is all. You can dislike him anyway, this is soley about why I think he is a complex character. Not an attempt to sway you to like him or anything!

He’s introduced pretty early as though he’s going to be a silly, funny, flirty side character, and a lot of that falls away as the series goes on. He’s always had avoidant defense mechanisms, which used to look like deflecting with humor and as his trauma worsens turns into a lot of literal running away. We learn in book one that he has really bad parents and it’s like oh, okay, so he has a hard childhood and covers for it with humor. Pretty classic way to round a character out, but it works. Sure. But he wasn’t too complex THEN.

I think the way finding out his mother was with the neverseen impacted him was far worse than the fandom gives it credit for. It was a huge turning point in his life. He breaks down more. He can’t keep up his defenses as much.

Did you hear that? He can’t keep up his defenses as much. Deflecting isn’t working.

And then, at the end of Neverseen, he literally runs away.

Direct correlation.

He goes to be a “double agent” and hopefully be able to help his friends from the inside. But really… he wants to do something useful without having to face his friends. He’s avoiding. He’s running.

The reveal of his mother being with the neverseen was also more than figuring out his parent was a villain, which is bad enough. He also learned that the parent who had always been slightly better, slightly kinder, slightly more caring was actually the evil one. It isn’t talked about nearly enough the amount of trust issues he must have gotten from that. It also adds an extra layer to every time he’s betrayed a friend’s trust or told a lie. He doesn’t think it’s right, but a part of him is still processing what happened with his mother.

He searches through his memories like crazy. He wondered how he, an empath, managed to miss that his mother was evil. He questions everything the knows. How does he know if someone is lying? He doesn’t. He doesn’t know if someone is lying. He lies. He lies and lies and lies.

He holds on to every scrap of paper with every detail he’s ever remembered about his childhood and his mother and questions everything. This is actually a huge part of what makes his character complex, since that’s the question—the way he clings to every. Single. Detail. Because he’s NOT just avoidant, he’s also unable to let go, and somehow he is absolutely both at the same time.

Constantly running from the painful things he clutches close to his chest.

That sentence alone might actually explain what makes him complex, but I’m going to go further.

I think his execution of research and ideas and reckless plans without telling his friends, betraying them and lying to them, is both a product of the fact that he’s never considered himself someone who gets listened to seriously and the fact that he’s still processing his mother’s betrayal. (Let’s not gloss over that. He’s still grieving from that.)

“Are you afraid of me, Foster?” It isn’t a question. It’s a realization. In this moment he realizes what he’s really done. He has flashbacks to the mountain, to finding out about his mother, and he wonders if too much of her is in his blood. Of course he rushes to explain his double agent scheme, but he’s in pretty deep and this isn’t going to be his last betrayal. The scene where he steals the alluveterre crystal and Alvar might be his worst betrayal. But there’s so much behind it.

So many complexities.

So many underlying thoughts, some of which I don’t think he’s even aware of.

He’s trying and he knows he’s wrong but he does it anyway and focuses on everything right about the wrong.

Being literally, physically changed by his mother so that he has new abilities that could actually hurt people is another huge turning point. Now it isn’t, “are you afraid of me, Foster?” It’s “you should be afraid of me, Foster.” All pretense of laughter and humor and jokes is gone. The Leo Valdez side has evaporated.

If he was worried that too much of his mother was in his blood before, well, he’s definitely worried about it now. Because she changed him and he hates it and he’s afraid of himself.

He’s afraid of himself and he’s afraid for his friends (because even amongst all of this he cares, he loves his friends and he specifically loves Sophie) and his deflection is once again entirely gone and he does the thing we should have all seen coming.

He runs away.

But I think unraveled will show us that once again, even in running away, he can’t let go of the things he wants to leave behind. They stick to him and he takes them everywhere he goes.

In unlocked he writes in his journal that Sophie deserves someone like Fitz. He hates himself for having betrayed her and having made her lose faith in the good of the world. He loves her enough that even when he wants her to be with him, when he believes she’ll be happier with his friend, he wants that for her.

(He can hardly believe it when Sophie chooses him. “I don’t want to mess this up,” he says. “Please don’t let me mess this up.” He knows he’s a mess. He’s worried he’s too much of a mess to preserve the one thing he’s always wanted.)

And even in the end of Stellarlune, he takes the knife from Sophie to attack his mother, without telling her. In that moment I wonder if he was even thinking about his own stupid bad patterns, or if he was so determined to end things with his mother that he didn’t even consider that in some small way, he was sort of doing just the sort of thing he swore to himself he’d stop doing.

So what makes Keefe a complex character?

The way he cares so impossibly deeply for his friends while also doing things he knows will hurt them and feeling in his mind like maybe he can’t even stop it, maybe he’s just a mess that can’t be fixed and the best thing he can do for his friends is never see them again—

The way he runs, avoids, escapes, NEVER confronts his issues, but also is never able to leave them behind, dragging them with him wherever he runs, every single detail running through his head—

The way he’ll never say it out loud, but some part of him is worried he’s too much like his mother, wishing she’d get her hands off his life and stop changing him before he can’t deny it anymore—

The way his bad habits mirror each other even as he changes and develops as a character—

It’s not just his trauma and his coping mechanisms, or his feelings for Sophie and his friends. It’s the layers upon layers in his character, thick as shadowflux and so buried that even Keefe doesn’t know about some of them. (Even I can’t articulate them all. I’m able to really get into a state of feeling his character but these are the only things I’m able to get into words.)

This is about as much of his complexities as I can explain using actual words in the English language and not just transferring emotions. To the anon who was wondering how he’s complex, I hope this helps!

[srmcd1]

*blows dust off my tumblr*

So a long time ago, a fan floated the idea that the late David Collings (known for a varied career across British television, particularly as Silver from "Sapphire and Steel") would've made an excellent Doctor Who should Tom Baker have for some reason decided to depart the series earlier than his canon 7 year run (something Baker himself admitted he probably should've done, but hey-ho, hindsight is 20-20).

Sidenote: the fan in question is kind of horrible, so I'm not going to name them, but I agreed with them on this, so I figure I may as well give them credit.

AU for Dr Who (the David Collings Years 1978 - 81) below:

AU for Dr Who: What would prompt Tom Baker to leave earlier than in real life? Perhaps the departure of executive producer Phillip Hinchcliffe, who'd been with him since he first started. In reality, Hinchcliffe was forced out after Season 14 for making Dr Who "too scary". In my reality, instead of just forcing him out immediately, the BBC decide to be a little more reasonable and tell him, "Look, we'll let you do Season 15, but after that, we think it's time for you to move on." Hinchcliffe has said in interviews he had plans for S15 that would've been similar to what later became Indiana Jones, so we'd enjoy a season of that at least. The downside is "Robots of Death" and "Talons of Weng-Chiang" wouldn't look as impressive because Hinchcliffe wouldn't have gone over budget out of spite over getting the sack, but such is life.

We would still get "Horror of Fang Rock" and "Image of the Fendhal" as those still fit the Hinchcliffe/Robert Holmes motif before transitioning into whatever other stories they choose to make that year. With both producer and script editor departing, Baker -- wanting to make his Dr Who movie "Dr Who Meets the Scratchman" with Ian Marter -- decides to leave as well after four years -- one less than Pertwee. Louise Jameson initially plans to depart as well, but she's persuaded to at least do half of Season 16 so as to help "bridge the gap" between the two Drs, much like Lis Sladen did before her.

How Tom's Doctor meets his end in this canon, I'm not one hundred percent certain, but I like the idea that he faces off with either the Daleks (giving him a serial where they aren't overshadowed by Davros) or the Master (still played by Peter Pratt -- although maybe less rotted than in "Deadly Assassin).

I imagine the casting of Collings as the new Doctor would convince Louise Jameson to stay for the entirety of Season 16. She and Collings were great friends in real life after he played Poule in "Robots of Death". She convinced him later in life to do the convention circuit. She was one of the few to tweet a remembrance of him when he passed in 2020. I totally think she would've stayed for another season for the chance to work with him after a turbulent tenure with Baker.

And so, Graham Williams takes over as he did in real life, having a much better time working with Collings than he would've with Baker. K9 is added to the cast. Leela is given a much better sendoff in the finale. I like to think Dr Collings would join forces with Mary Tamm's Romana to find the Key to Time (although part of me loves the idea of Joanna Lumely, his S&S co-star, playing the part). He fights Daleks and Movellans, goes to Paris, fights vampires and finally meets his end at the end of Season 18, regenerating into Peter Davison's Doctor, and we're right back on schedule

Just an idea, but I enjoyed thinking it up

[andydrysdalerogers]

Yours Submissively ~ Preparations

Steve Rogers X OFC Isabella Davis

Summary: Five Years after the events of Civil War, Steve Rogers has moved on from avenging and has started his own business, Grant Inc. He has a secret that would turn his world upside down. And he's good at keep that secret. Until he meets the woman with violet eyes that could bring him to his knees. Now his mission is to make her, his. But she is the key that could bring the world into balance... or chaos.

And she has no idea.

Series Warnings: slow burn at the beginning, smut, angst, sexual themes of BDSM, dom/sub dynamics, kidnapping, loss of virginity, (and a bunch of others that will come up)

A/N: the taglist is open!

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Banners by me!

I do NOT give permission for my work to be translated or reposted on here or any other site, even if you give me credit. DO NOT REPOST MY FICS. Reblogs, comments, likes, and feedback ALWAYS appreciated

Previous: Conversations

Series Masterlist ~ Main Masterlist

Belle felt the tears running down her face. All the worries, the anger, the frustrations that had plagued her… 

They just melted away. 

She starred at Steve’s face.   

The man who annoyed her, frustrated her, cared for her, loved her, who made her feel crazy, protected, wanted, special.  

The face of the man she has loved for the last six months. 

“Yes.”  

Steve broke into a huge smile as he slid a gorgeous ring her finger. The round diamond was set in an antique setting with smaller round diamonds and small oval sapphires on each side, all set in platinum.  “I love you.”  

“I love you.” Belle cupped his face as she pressed a kiss to him. “Oh my god.” Steve lifted her up and swinged her around as she laughed. “We’re getting married!”  

“I’m so happy my love.” He set her down and kissed her deeply.  

“Am I interrupting?”  Bucky came in holding three glasses and a bottle of champagne. He saw the big smiles on the couple.  He put everything down and embraced Belle.  “Congratulations sweetheart!” 

“Thank you, Bucky.”  

Bucky let go and turned to his best friend.  “Congratulations punk.”  

Steve pulled him in for a hug.  “Thanks jerk.”  

Bucky’s expression became solemn. “Seriously, I’m proud of you Stevie. Your ma would be so proud.”  

Belle let out a tiny sob at the emotional moment. “Sweet pea?” 

“I’m sorry, its just, we won’t have our parents there and …” 

“Oh baby, don’t cry.  It will be ok.”  Steve wrapped himself around her as she cried.  “We’ll figure it out.” He held her as Bucky got the champagne ready.  

“A toast! To you, Steve, my brother and best friend and Belle, my future sister-in-law. Congratulations!” 

Arriving back in New York was surreal.  Belle arrives not just as Belle Davis but now the future Mrs. Steven Rogers. All of their friends were excited for the couple, with Tony and Pepper throwing an engagement party for them.  When Belle mentioned not knowing where to start, Pepper and Natasha stepped up to help her navigate the inter-working of the New York social circle and wedding planning.  They got her in touch with a top wedding planner and scheduled a photo shoot.  

“Really? Why?” Belle whined.  

“Hon, Steve is a top executive as well as a former Avenger.  His marriage is top new and its important to set the narrative,” Pepper explained.  “Besides with a three-month time frame for the wedding, we want to stay on top of that.”  

That was the other things that was irritating and led to a long argument.  Belle wanted to wait the traditional year to get married. Steve wanted to be married the next day.  “I love you, sweet pea and I just want to let the world you are mine forever.”  

“And I want a wedding amore.  I mean I don’t have any family to share it with, but I still want to celebrate it.”  Belle looked down at the mention of family.  

“Oh, baby, I didn’t even think.”  Steve took her hands.  “Of course, I want to celebrate my new life with you with our friends.” He kissed her knuckles.  “Three months. Let’s do it in three months.  Just after the holidays.”  

“Really?” 

“Really, my love.”  

“Thank you, Steve.”  

“No thanks needed sweet pea.  I promised to give you the world.  That’s what I’m doing.”  

While Belle and Steve agreed on where, when and what the wedding would be, the only decision that was truly Belle’s was her dress. She poured over magazines, marking them, taking notes, approaching them as if it was an assignment.  Steve found her at her desk one night with notes on post its. “Uh, sweet pea, what are you doing?” 

“Steve! You can’t look!” She screeched.  

He quickly turned around. “Love, what is going on?” 

“I’m doing research.”  

“Research?” 

“For my dress.”  

Steve started to turn around. “Love…”  

“No! You can’t look.  You can’t see what I’m thinking.”  

Steve chuckled at the seriousness she was taking and decided to let her in on a surprise he was planning. “Sweet pea, I made you an appointment at Kleinfelds for Saturday.” Steve clasped his hands behind his back as he waited for her reaction.  

“Really?” 

“Yes. I also reached out to Pepper, Wanda, Nat, MJ and Hope and they will all be joining you.”  

“Oh my… Steve!” She raced over and jumped on his back.  He grunted at the forced but grabbed onto her thighs to hold her. She pressed kisses to his neck and cheek.  “You are the most amazing fiancé!”  

“I could tell you were stressing love. Have fun.  Happy offered to go for security and you have lunch at the Ritz afterwards.”  

“Thank you, amore. I love you.”  

Steve swung her around, so she was around his hips. “You will look amazing in anything so have fun ok?” 

She smiled and then let it slip for a moment.  “How will I pay for this?” 

“Oh.  I have this for you.”  He smiled as he handed her an envelope.  She smiled and opened.  

Darling Belle,    You have grown up so much in the few years I’ve known you. I remember the first day we met.  You, a bright-eyed intern and I, a grumpy CEO.   I know that Steve can provide for you, but I would really like pay for your wedding dress. It would be my honor.   Pepper has all the instructions.  Enjoy your day.    Tony 

“I can’t let him do that.” Belle looked at Steve.  “I have some money…” 

“No, sweet pea, Tony wants to do this for you.  He and I had lunch the other day and I mentioned about family.  The Avengers have always seen each other as family. I mean Bucky and I lost our families in the 40s, Tony’s parents are gone and so on.”  

“I’m an Avenger?” 

Steve chuckled.  “You are an Avenger by marriage, my love.  And we take care of each other.  Tony sees you as an adopted daughter. He wants to do this for you.” He kisses her head. “You have a family, Belle.  We are all your family.”  

Kleinfeld’s is the premier bridal store in New York.  Thousands of designer gowns line the walls of the store.  Belle and her entourage are greeted and escorted to a couch and chairs with champagne. Fashion director Randy comes out to make sure everything goes well.  Because when Tony Stark and Steve Rogers personally call and make sure that this bride get everything she wants, all of the top people are at her disposal.  

“So, tell me beautiful, what do you envision?” Randy asked.  

“I don’t really know.  I don’t know what would look good one me.” Belle wrang her hands together.  

“I think she would look good in a mermaid,” Natasha commented.  

“Oh, maybe a drop waist,” MJ offered.  

“Maybe something sleeker,” Hope said.  

Belle blushed.  “I just know that he is my Prince and I am his Princess.”  

Randy smiled.  “Ok.  Let’s try on the different silhouettes and go from there.  Have no fear, we will find your dress for your wedding in eight weeks.”  

Eight weeks.  Belle shivered at the thought of it being so close.  But if the man could close a business in hours, build another in a day and save the world in a week, he can have a wedding planned in no time.  Belle went to the dressing room with an assistant, Anna, and tried on the first dress, a straight satin sheath dress with a keyhole back and sweetheart neckline.  It looked very sophisticated.  She came out to her group.  

“Well…” 

“I mean…” 

“Guys, this is not it,” she said with a smile.  “Just be honest please.”  

“Ok, it looks beautiful on you but not for your wedding,” MJ replied.  

“Thank you.  That’s all I’m asking for.”  Belle turned around, hiked up the dress to everyone’s amusement and went back to the dressing room. The processed repeated for the mermaid, the trumpet, the fit and flare, and the A-line.  Belle was becoming frustrated until Randy came into her room.  

“Tell me about him.”  

Belle smiled softly. “He’s amazing, he’s gentle, loving, kind.  I feel like he rescued me from everything.  I was just this girl from Brooklyn, trying to make her way in the world when he asked me to dance. A Brooklyn boy just asked me to dance.  He is my Prince.  My Prince Charming.  And I love him.”  

Randy smiled at her.  “I know just the dress. C’mon.”  He took her hand.  

The girls were sitting on the chairs, waiting for Belle to arrive.  “Do you think she will ever pick one?” Wanda asked.  

“You could always influence her,” Nat said with a big smile, wiggling her fingers.  

“Not funny,” Pepper replied.  She heard a rustling of tulle, turned and gasped.  The dress was a ball gown but so much more.  The drop cap sleeves led into a sweetheart neckline, the bodice sitting on a natural waist.  The skirt was covered in fine lace detail. Delicate buttons flowed down the back to a chapel train.  Randy had pulled Belle’s long black hair into a bun with a few tendrils around her face.  He led her up to the podium and faced her friends.  

“So…” 

“Oh my god Belle, its perfect,” Hope gushed.  “Have you seen yourself?” 

“No, not yet.”  

“Let me finish,” Randy said.  He pulled an intricate flower and branch crystal barrette and attached it with a simple veil to the top of her bun.  “Close your eyes beautiful.”  Belle closed her as Randy turned her to face the mirrors.  She could hear the sniffles from behind her. “You ready?” He asked her.  

“Y-yeah, I’m ready.”  Belle’s voice wavered as she waited to see herself.  

“Ok, open them.”  

Belle looked in the mirror and gasped. She didn’t see herself, well, not really.  She saw herself as Steve’s princess, he’s new queen.  “Its, its… uh… oh my god.”  She let a couple of tears fall.  

Pepper instinctively went to Belle stand next to her.  “Are you ok? Is it not it?” 

“No, its perfect.”  

Pepper hugged her. “I think so too.”  

Randy smiled, “A true princess dress for our princess.  It’s called the Cinderella gown and its…” 

“Don’t say the price,” Pepper interrupted.  “Tony and I will be taking care of this and any accessories to go with it.”  

“Pepper, oh, thank you!” Belle squeezed her tight.  Pepper smiled and wiped away the tears.  

Across town, Tony’s phone dinged.  He flipped it over to see a picture of Belle with her back turned to the camera.  Her dress was the only comment and he smiled.  

“Something to share with the class, tinman?” Bucky asked. 

“Not anything I can share while he is in the room,” he replied looking at Steve.  

Steve smiled softly.  “She found a dress?” 

“She did.  And no, you can’t see it,” Tony smirked.  He shook his head.  “Let’s get back to it.”  

“Boss, the note sent to the Stark servers is untraceable,” FRIDAY, the Avengers AI said.  

“FRIDAY, can you read it to me again please.” Steve’s face moved from jovial to sadness. 

“Sure Captain.  To Captain America and Iron Man, you still have what we want.  Our heir needs to take her place.  Release her.  Hail HYDRA.”  

Bucky sighed.  “I haven’t had a hot lead in over a month.”  

“And surveillance for all of the buildings and homes are clean,” Sam added.  “We are chasing a ghost.”  

“So, what is the plan then?  The wedding is in eight weeks. We have the holidays as well.” Tony stood up and paced the room. “Cap?” 

“We have to tell her. About the threat.  We,” he pointed to Bucky and himself, “promised her that we wouldn’t keep it a secret from her.”  

“Have you told her about her family lineage?” Clint asked.  

Steve shook his head, “No, I can’t.  Not while we are getting ready for the wedding. She has been asking what preventive messages she can take.”  

“Rogers,” Tony started but took in the look on his face.  “Ok, I’m setting aside the whole Belle’s family things for now.  We have been working on a set of glasses she can wear that will change her eye color.  Its so distinctive that it would be smart to hide that.”  

“That’s good. Anything else?” Steve asked.  

“Yeah, your honeymoon, we have secured the location and safeguards.” Clint looked at his notes.  “Local authorities are ok with the additional force that will be present.”  

“And, we have increased the invisible security on Belle and you, Steve,” Bucky said.  “You guys won’t even notice, especially Belle.  School will be on break next week and Clint will be spending time with his kids since Belle will be with me at the apartment.”  

Steve nodded. “Ok, I think…” 

“Oh no, you are not getting out of discussing your bachelor party,” Tony said with a mischievous grin.  

“I don’t want nor need a bachelor party,” Steve said crossing his arms.  

“The party is not for you.”  Tony stopped and held up his hand.  “Wait, let me try that again.  The party is to celebrate you but it’s mostly for us.  Don’t deny us the reason to celebrate that you actually are committing to someone, Rogers.”  

“Stark, I don’t think Isabella would like me…” 

“She’s going on her own party,” Clint says quietly interrupting.  

“What?” 

“Well, Nat and Wanda approached me about arranging security for her party about two weeks before the wedding.  It’s supposed to be a surprise for Belle.”  

Steve groaned as Tony clapped in glee. “That settles it.  That same night, gentlemen, will the swan song for the singledom of Steve G. Rogers.”  

NEXT

Taglist:

@patzammit

@texmexdarling

@slutforchrisjamalevans

@firephotogrl74

@tinkerbelle67

@before-we-get-started

@bunnyforhim

@alexakeyloveloki

@sunnyhummingbee

@whiskeytangofoxtrot555

@peaceinourtime82

[dreamylittlesugarcube]

Flames of Attraction

Genre: EXO AU

Characters: Kyungsoo x Female Reader

Warnings: Swearing, kissing, mentions of “the deed” but nothing graphic

Word Count: 9.3k

Summary: Who’s the boss? You are! Or at least, you had been until he showed up. For the past month, you’d busted your sous-chef butt to keep the hotel restaurant afloat after the head chef abruptly up and quit. Now, the manager’s brought in a friend, celebrity chef Do Kyungsoo, to lead the kitchen. With Kyungsoo wanting to run things his way, will tensions flame into something more? 

A/N: Oh my gosh, I finally finished! This is my longest fic to date, as part of the Crimson Aurora Hotel and Spa Collab. Buckle up for ~10k, folks! ! hope you enjoy it! Please re-blog so that others can find and interact with this post easier. Thanks a million!

P.S. I’m planning to write some filthy epilogues for anyone interested!

P.S. GIFS and pictures do not belong to me, so credit should go to the original owners. (theonly-vagina-kyungsoo-will-fuk

~*~

“Feeling a little tense today, boss?” 

You glanced up briefly from your pork cutlets to find Hyun-min staring at you, elbows on the counter in a manner you’d told him you don’t enjoy. As the chef de partie in charge of the meat station, a classmate from culinary school, and a long-time friend, he was entirely too perceptive for your liking. This quality was exceptionally beneficial in the workplace, but not so much when you were trying to squash your anger in the name of professionalism. 

“No, what makes you think that?” you responded, lying through your teeth. 

Hyun-min flashed you a cheshire cat grin, feigning nonchalance. “Oh, I don’t know…maybe because our new boss shows up tomorrow? THE WORLD FAMOUS CELEBRITY CHEF DO KYUNGSOO?!”

“Who’s side are you on anyway?” you mumbled as Hyun-min squealed in excitement. 

“Yours, of course. But I can’t help it. The man’s a legend–helming a three-starred Michelin restaurant when he was under the age of 25 and he’s model-hot?!”

 He fanned himself dramatically with a copy of tonight’s menu. 

No one needed to tell you how talented Do Kyungsoo was. His accomplishments spoke for themselves–the book deals, the television shows, the James Beard awards, and yes–the coveted Michelin stars. You'd watched him on TV before and couldn’t deny that he’s good–okay, amazingly good, with a great knack for flavor. He’s been listed in more than one “30 Under 30” article. Was it fair to be blessed with that level of both talent and looks?!  Furthermore, you wondered why someone like him, who’s been the executive chef of many, many famous restaurants would come here. Perhaps, Manager Kim had more connections than you knew. 

It’s been several months since Head Chef Maurice abruptly departed. Many chefs have been interested in replacing him, but Manager Kim wasn’t satisfied with any of them, which left you, the sous-chef, to fill in the gaps.

Rather than sticking to one type of cuisine, you introduced fusion dishes, which have been very well-received. You were happy, guests were happy, and Mr. Kim seemed happy…so happy that you thought he might give you the promotion you always dreamed of. After five years of toiling away at this restaurant you’d thought maybe, just maybe this was your time. You felt blindsided at the news of Do Kyungsoo’s arrival not even two days ago, which left you with no time to process anything beyond anger. 

“I’m fine,” you said tightly, grabbing your meat hammer. “Absolutely.” Pound. “100%.” Pound. “Totally.” Pound. “Fine.” Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound. 

“Uh-huh, sure,” Hyun-min sayid, narrowing his eyes in obvious doubt.  “You can lie all you want, honey…but don’t take it out on my poor, innocent pork cutlets. They’re supposed to be thinly pressed, not hacked to pieces!”

He quickly grabbed the tray of meat and moved it protectively out of the way, like you were a wild animal he couldn’t trust not to strike once his back was turned. 

You flushed in embarrassment at your lack of composure, still incredibly on edge. Since you weren’t allowed to mete out your frustrations on the schnitzel, you’d need to seek out other avenues. Fortunately, your friend at the front desk was only too happy to help, and before you knew it, you were face down on a massage table, tension draining from your limbs under the masterful hands of the Crimson Aurora’s best masseuse.

~*~

Not 20 minutes into your lavender-induced stupor, a knock sounded at the door. Jongin told you to wait and slipped out the door, returning to quietly inform you that a certain Do Kyungsoo had arrived and “required your immediate attention.” 

As you dressed, you could feel your stomach twisting into knots as you made your way to the kitchen. Standing outside the kitchen doors, the absence of clanging pans, furious chopping, and loud, boisterous voices was your first clue that something was amiss. Through the window, you could see the kitchen staff positioned in a line, as though awaiting military inspection from their commanding officer. Do Kyungsoo stood in front of them, looking every bit the formidable chef he was rumored to be in his immaculate black chef’s coat. 

Taking a deep breath, you pushed the door open, crossing the threshold that usually felt so familiar, yet was now completely alien. You put on your best “welcome” smile and stepped into the lion’s den. The noise from the squeaky doors drew the man’s attention and he turned to look at you.

Coming forward, you bowed in greeting. “Hello, my name is ____. I’m the sous-chef here. My apologies for being late, I was just informed of your arrival.”

Kyungsoo sized you up from head to toe, noting your messy hair, untucked shirt, and overall lack of polish. Not what he’d expect from his supposed second-in-command. What type of serious chef got a massage during the work day? If he were any of his former employers, you’d be given your notice immediately. The restaurant world was an unforgiving place, but Kyungsoo knew the dangers of being too quick to judge, so your skills in the kitchen had better impress. 

You shuffled past Chef Do to stand beside Hyun-min, painfully aware that the former probably definitely knew exactly where you were. You might not be happy that he was here, but you’d never want your professionalism to be questioned over such a matter. Tonight he wanted to observe and see how the kitchen works and this dinner was your chance to wow him, to prove to Chef Do that you knew what you were doing. You’d worked your butt off covering for Chef Maurice and done a good job, goddammit! 

With renewed vigor, you threw yourself into preparing tonight’s special, your team working hard alongside you to pull out the stops, all while under Chef Do’s watchful eye. It was unnerving to feel his gaze on you, judging your every move during prep work–choice of ingredients, knife work, organization–and you could tell everyone else in the room was feeling the same tension. If Hyun-min was an open book, then this man was the definition of a book wrapped in chains with a lock and key, his expression never changing, making it frustratingly impossible to know his thoughts. 

Kyungsoo circled the kitchen, observing each and every moving part, noting both what he liked and things that needed to change. People had always told Kyungsoo that he was hard to read. His agent was always telling him he needed to “emote” better and give more fan service to the camera when he was filming shows. Kyungsoo disagreed–it wasn’t that he hid his emotions, he just didn’t see the point in pretending to be something he wasn’t.

Cooking was serious business–raw and real, both chaotic and orderly at the same time. 

During filming for his various television shows, he missed the sights and sounds of the organized chaos around him–orders coming left and right, a flurry of quick hands pushing dishes through the window, and the joyful calm of the knife in his hand as he rhythmically chopped vegetables. 

By the time the first ticket came through, you and your team were in the groove and you were forever thankful for muscle memory. The donkkaseu was perfect–golden and crunchy from the panko crumbs and slightly spicy from the red pepper flakes. It went down on a brioche bun, topped with kimchi coleslaw, and accompanied by a creamy gamja salad. Running a clean cloth around the edge of the plate, you rang the bell, literally sending your heart and soul out of the kitchen on a platter. 

Ashley, longtime waitress and confidant, gave you a thumbs up through the window and you breathed a sigh of relief. Throughout the night, customer reactions were generally positive and you fielded the odd complaint of “the fish is dry” or “I asked for the steak medium” with ease. 

10:00 came and went and the kitchen closed down to its nighttime snack menu, serving a selection of Korean favorites like pajeon, tteokbokki, stir-fried squid, and cheese corn to be paired with a menu of creative cocktails. This brainchild of your’s and Taemin’s, the hotel bartender, had worked to draw in guests coming back from shows and concerts and attracted pedestrians from the outside looking for an elevated bar experience. 

An hour later, the kitchen was clean and the prep for tomorrow was done. You thanked the team for their hard work and sent them home, with you and Hyun-min remaining to fulfill the last-minute orders. You could see Chef Do in his office through the open door, scribbling furiously, no doubt making sure to take down every little mistake made during tonight’s service. You cringed, knowing there would be a debrief sooner rather than later, but pledged to defend yourself and your team, should the need arise. Everything ran smoothly tonight and you were proud of the job you’d done, though not immune to the fact that there was always room for improvement. 

Hyun-min rang the bell and Ashley came to retrieve an order, a secretive smile on her face, which could mean only one thing: gossip. 

“Am I going to have to ask or are you just going to tell me?” you asked, giving her a pointed look before handing over the plate of cheesy rice cakes. 

“Fine, twist my arm if you must.” 

Ashley beckoned you and Hyun-min over and leaned in close, as though she was about to divulge top-secret information. 

“Chanyeol’s getting lucky tonight…sent a drink to a girl and now he’s laying on the moves.”

“Hot piano guy?” you clarified, watching as Hyunmin hung his head and groaned. “Sorry, Hyun-min, I guess that ship has sunk.” 

“Why are all the available men in this place taken?” he whined. “First hot, ice king Sehun, now tall drink of water, Chanyeol?!” 

You patted his arm in sympathy and silent agreement. Despite the fact that the Crimson Aurora Hotel seemed to employ a mysterious amount of above-average looking men, neither of you had been able to make a love connection. 

That might be for the best, you mused.

You worked long hours and not everyone was understanding about the amount of time and effort it took to do what you do. Your last boyfriend had complained that you worked too much, were too focused on the restaurant and not enough on him or your relationship. In hindsight, he’d been right–you had put the job first–but honestly, he hadn’t supported you in the way you needed–always making comments about you needing to “get a real job” like his. You wanted and deserved someone who not only believed in you, but understood your drive and passion for creation and innovation. 

Ashley grabbed the plate from the pass and turned on her heels, throwing an “I’ll keep you updated” over her shoulder. 

With the last order of the night complete, you closed down the kitchen, hanging up your apron on the hook before turning off the lights. The glow from the office drew your eye, but the now-closed door dissuaded you from further investigation. Slinging your bag over your shoulder, you pushed through the kitchen doors and made your way to the place your night usually ended: the bar. 

You slid onto a bar top stool, feeling relaxed for the first time today. The red bubble pendant lights, reminiscent of magma, cast a crimson glow over the space. At this hour, the place was mostly deserted, save a lone businessman in one of the alcoves. Seeing no sign of Chanyeol, you assumed he’d retired for the evening with his new lady friend. 

Without asking, Taemin placed your drink of choice in front of you and you took a sip, enjoying the burst of fruity flavor on your tongue. He left you to your thoughts, but not before leaving you a bowl of spiced nuts and prawn crackers to snack on. You closed your eyes, letting the jazzy music wash over you, appreciating this time to decompress. 

“May I join you?” 

The request, accompanied by a gentle tap on the shoulder startled you practically out of your chair. Chef Do stood before you, dressed in jeans and a simple black t-shirt, looking remarkably less intimidating than just an hour previous. Considering the two of you hadn’t started off on the right foot, you couldn’t imagine what he wanted to talk about. 

When you gave a hesitant nod, Kyungsoo took a seat next to you. Mindful of first impressions and the work he had to do tomorrow, he asked for water when the bartender came to take his order. You were quiet next to him, so he tried to break the ice.

“Service went well today…You did well today, _____.” 

You froze mid-swallow, sputtering as liquid went down the wrong way. 

“Was that the wrong thing to say?” he wondered. 

“No,” you confirmed, trying to keep your tone as even as possible. “Just not what I was expecting.”

Kyungsoo managed to stifle a smile.“What were you expecting then?”

What had you been expecting?

A jerk who thought he walked on air, someone who ordered others around without deigning to lend a hand, that’s what.  It would be easier to hate someone like that, easier to let your anger simmer under the surface. Honestly, you weren’t sure what to do with the person who was currently in front of you. You munched on the prawn cracker, grateful for the crunch, crunch that filled the silence. 

Kyungsoo lifted a brow at your obvious avoidance of the question. He chose to artfully change the topic. Eyeing up the prawn crackers, he asked you to share, taking a second to lift it to his nose and inspect the outside before putting it in his mouth.

“Even fry, consistent cuts, crisp texture. Where do you source these from? They remind me of the ones my grandmother used to make.”

“Actually, all the bar snacks are made in-house,” you informed him, pride filling you as you spoke.

You explained that you’d been trialing the homemade snacks and late-night bar menu in hopes of attracting new customers, ones who appreciated quality food and alcohol. 

“Not what you were expecting?” you responded cheekily.

“Not exactly,” he returned, smiling genuinely at your response. 

“And the response has been good?” he asked, a hint of skepticism as he peered around the now-deserted room.

You grinned behind your hand. “There’s a concert venue down that street that should be getting out in about–”, you checked your watch, “–fifteen minutes. This place’ll be packed soon with people looking to wind down from their music high. I usually try to be out of here by then, but you’re welcome to stick around and see the chaos for yourself.”

You downed the rest of your drink and pulled cash from your wallet, which Taemin warded away with a firm shake of his head and an “on the house”. You bowed your head in appreciation and stuck a couple bills into the tip jar.

“Just friends trying to support friends,” you said, smiling sweetly at Taemin’s look of censure. 

You looked over to see that Chef Do had finished his water and put his coat on. You bid each other goodnight and then you were off to the subway station, ready to get home to your apartment, take a well-deserved shower and watch some mindless TV. 

Sitting at home, wrapped up in a blanket, you flipped through TV channels searching for something to watch, not that there was anything decent to watch this late anyway. You turned to a cooking channel that was your usual standby and came face-to-face once again, with your new boss, but this time he was whipping someone’s butt in a battle for the best beef bourguignon. He won, of course, but on these types of shows it seemed like he always did. 

You thought back to your day, which to your surprise, wasn’t as bad as you imagined it might be. This morning you’d been angry–angry that Chef Do was coming, angry with Manager Kim for not giving you a promotion, and in all honesty, angry with yourself for not being good enough yet.

Now, those emotions felt flimsy and fragile, slipping through your fingers like air, and as much as you tried to hold on, away they went. Resentment might remain, sure, but a burgeoning respect had started to well inside you, one that recognized talent for talent and appreciated a dry sense of humor…and something else too, that you don’t want to name just yet. With that in mind, you clicked the television off, tuning the man out of your living room and out of your life–at least until tomorrow.

~*~

Morning came and Kyungsoo felt hungover, despite having nothing but water at the bar last night. He knew it would be a long day at the restaurant, so he filled up on some breakfast and plain coffee. His phone rang and he saw his agent’s number flashing on the screen. He was tempted to ignore the call, but knew she’d just keep calling back if he didn't pick up. 

“How’s my rockstar chef today?” his agent, Nina, drawled in her Texas accent.

“Fine, Nina, just–”

“Perfect,” she interrupted. “Listen babe, I know this whole “head chef” thing wasn’t exactly your first choice, but Kim Junmyeon is a good friend and I owed him a favor. Think of it like a little mini-vacation.”

It was obvious that Nina had never worked in the kitchen because no one, no one who’d ever worked in a restaurant kitchen would refer to it as a “vacation”. 

“Listen sugar, I’m working on lining up another show for you. The network is thrilled with ratings for your last series and they’re clamoring for more.”

“But Nina, I don’t want to–”

“Yeah, you don’t want to stay at the hotel for too long. I know, I know. Nina will get you out of there soon, don’t you worry.”

“That’s not what I was going to–”

“Listen, Kyungsoo, my Starbucks is here so I’ve got to run. Mwah!”

Kyungsoo didn’t even have time to say anything before she was gone. He wasn’t  surprised–Nina ran a mile a minute and he was absolutely certain the woman was made up of 90% caffeine. She’d been his agent for years, since the beginning, when he’d been a simple link cook with a dream. 

It would be fair to say he never expected things to go this far–the crowds, the book deals, the shows, the fame–everything. All he ever wanted was to share his cooking with the world, maybe even own his own farm-to-table restaurant, so truth be told, he was excited at the prospect of settling down for a little while and making his mark on the Ink & Pepper. 

When he’d been approached about the opportunity six months ago, the Ink & Pepper had seemed like a restaurant with uninspired food and little direction, and needing some massive changes. He’d come prepared to wipe the slate clean of anything or anyone weighing down the place–employees, concepts, menus, whatever it took. Upon arrival, he’d been shocked to find the kitchen in pretty decent working order. Provisions were well-organized, stations were clean, and the staff worked cohesively. 

Not at all what he expected.

He knew it came down to you, the sous-chef masquerading as the one in charge. The sous-chef who got massages during the work day. He hadn’t thought much of you when you walked in looking like you’d just woken up from a three-hour nap; however, you’d quickly proved him wrong–executing and expediting dishes flawlessly. 

From the beginning, it was obvious you were used to being top dog and he wondered how you’d take to following his orders. He smiled, fondly thinking of the days he himself had been filled with bright ideas and loads of sass-not so different from you. 

With a little time left before he had to be at the restaurant, he took his two puppies out for a walk before dropping them off at daycare. Leaving his car behind, Kyungsoo strolled through the neighborhood, making note of the small, tucked-away restaurants that he wanted to try (and maybe own) someday. 

He was stopped by several older ladies who asked for his autograph and was happy to oblige. Two signed napkins and many selfies later, he was zooming through the streets on his way to the Crimson Aurora.

The kitchen was in full swing by the time he walked through the doors and he was greeted by the sound of clanging pots, sizzling pans, and steam, which halted to a whisper. Gazes followed him as he walked to his office and stowed his things. He called the team together and went over his notes from the previous evening. Once he made it clear that he wasn’t firing anybody, the staff visibly relaxed…well maybe except you. 

You frowned several times while he was talking, most notably when he mentioned that menus would solely focus on classic, French cuisine. Interesting. You must prefer a different style of food, and he made a note to ask you about that later. You also cringed when he critiqued the cook on the lamb chops from last night. Not debatable, in his opinion, it was medium or bust. 

After he finished, he pulled several staff members to go over the grocery order for next week, when his menu went into effect. He had relationships with some of the top vendors in the city and he wanted to make sure the restaurant had access to the best ingredients possible. He hadn’t had time to go over the new menu with you, but he was excited to roll it out next week. 

The day flew by–diners came and went, food left the kitchen and empty plates came back–and soon the moon was high in the sky. The kitchen lights dimmed, and from his office he could see the staff heading out for the night, leaving you and Hyun-min behind to finish up.

The spicy, sweet smell of tteokbokki filled his nose, making his mouth water. He remembered the tteokbokki his mother used to make him growing up, with plenty of fish cakes and sliced eggs. 

During culinary school at Le Cordon Bleu, he lived in Paris, adopting the lifestyle and the cuisine. Fresh fruits and vegetables, cheeses, yogurt, meat, and fish–a delicious and nutritious diet, but very different from the food he ate growing up. 

From his vantage point, he could hear bits and pieces of your conversation with Hyun-min–a bad experience on a blind date, the latest episode of The Bachelor, and Hyun-min’s cat giving him the cold shoulder. Kyungsoo didn’t have any use for idle gossip, so ended up tuning out most of it anyway, at least until he got a late-night call from New York. By the time he was done, the kitchen was deserted. Curious, made his way to the bar, and sure enough, there you were, sitting in your usual spot. Without thinking too hard, he slid into the seat next to you and ordered his new usual. 

~*~

Three months later

“Just water will do tonight, Taemin.”

You knew who spoke  without even having to look. Chef Do’s voice was distinct–deep and rich like melting chocolate, one that carried perfectly in a room (or kitchen). Water again tonight, it seemed. It made sense, Chef Do–Kyungsoo, as he’d told you to call him off-the-clock, seemed like a water kind of guy. 

“Do you drink anything else besides water?”

“Do you drink anything besides passion fruit cocktails, ___?” Kyungsoo shot back playfully, sliding into the seat next to you. 

“I’ll have you know these are passion fruit mocktails, Kyungsoo. In my old-age, I can’t handle alcohol on a weekday like I could in my youth.” 

You were over-exaggerating a little bit, considering you weren’t even 30, but bouncing back seemed harder these days, especially when you had the responsibility of being up for work just hours later. 

Looking over at Kyungsoo, you lifted an eyebrow. “What’s your excuse?”

Kyungsoo shrugged. “I just drink water, nothing else. It’s very…hydrating.” 

He winced, clearly aware of how obvious that answer was. 

You nodded awkwardly before reaching into your bag and pulling out a glass container. You’d learned that Kyungsoo was a sucker for snack foods, so this ought to do the trick. Oddly enough, this had kind of become your nightly routine for the past few months: cook your butt off all day and hole up at the bar with your boss at night. Hyun-min had joined you a couple of times, but dubbed it “boring” since it didn’t involve soju, spandex, and getting down at the club. 

“You want some kimbap? Nothing fancy, just some beef rolls and a couple of tuna.” 

You handed over the container for Kyungsoo’s inspection. Someone once said “you eat with your eyes first”, and you found that was especially true for chefs. Your kimbaps looked pretty good, the veggies were cut consistently, the egg was yellow and soft, and the roll was tight. Not as good as your mom’s, but decent.

Kyungsoo cautiously took one and popped it in his mouth. You offered him more and the two of you ate in silence.

Kyungsoo chewed thoughtfully before asking: “When do you have time to make these things? The rice seems really fresh, so obviously these weren’t made yesterday.”

“We usually keep some ingredients on-hand for staff in case they get hungry. I make them right before we leave…you’re usually on the phone when I do.”

Kyungsoo let out a big sigh, massaging his temples. 

“It’s my agent, Nina. She lives in New York, so there’s a bit of a time difference.”

“How do you do it all?” you wondered aloud. “Balance running a restaurant and a television career at the same time?” 

Kyungsoo chuckled, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. 

“Truth is, I don’t. It’s always one or the other. If I’m filming a show, I’m gone from work for weeks or months at a time. My agent is always pushing me to do more shows and appearances, but if I do, it takes me away from being in the kitchen. Even now she’s pushing me to judge some big competition show in Europe.”

It was surprising to hear this from him. He seemed like such a natural on television, born to be on screen. You would have never guessed he felt any other way, but here he was, wanting the simple basics of cheffing. 

“...but you’ve worked at some of the best restaurants in the world…all those Michelin stars…”

“But are they truly mine?” he mused. “Someone else’s vision…someone else’s kitchen…not mine…”

Getting a Michelin star always seemed like a pipe dream, so much so you never gave them more than a passing thought. But pondering it now, you realized he was right: Michelin stars were given out to restaurants with outstanding cooking, in terms of ingredients, flavor, technique and consistency over time. While the chef might be the vehicle to gaining those stars, the stars stayed, even if the chef moved on to other places.

 “Well, technically this place is yours now, right?” you said, trying to lighten the mood. 

Kyungsoo smiled softly. “Yeah…I guess you’re right. A place of my own to finally do as I wish….”

Though you’d slowly come to accept the reality of working under Kyungsoo, your chest still tightened at his words. A place of my own. 

“...and what about you?” he continued. “You must have a dream too.”

When you sheepishly admitted to having a similar dream, understanding lit his eyes. 

“Ah, so that’s why you’ve been so morose about the menus lately.”

“I have not been morose”, you grumbled as Kyungsoo shot you a look of mock disbelief. “I haven’t! Disappointed is the word I would use.”

Kyungsoo scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Have you ever thought about working somewhere else? There’s got to be hundreds of places that would see the value in your skills.”

“I mean, sure, I’ve thought about it here and there, but the Ink & Pepper was the place I first got my start and the people there are like family. I’m not sure I could leave. It just feels right, you know?”

Kyungsoo nodded in understanding, at the same time knowing opportunities would be more ripe if you looked beyond the small boutique hotel restaurant. Plenty of talented chefs never made it further than being someone else’s underling and he didn’t want that to happen to you. Kyungsoo knew many of the top people in the industry and if he put a word in with the right people, maybe you’d…

Taemin chose that moment to interrupt, saying the bar was closing, and checking your watch, you realized you and Kyungsoo had never stayed this late before. You meandered down the sidewalk, silently making your way towards the bus stop, together but alone in your thoughts. Kyungsoo dropped you off at your stop and you watched his back as he slowly walked away.

“Are you going to do it?” 

You were loud enough that Kyungsoo turned back, his brows furrowed in confusion. 

“The show, I mean. Are you going to do it?”

Kyungsoo’s eyes filled with understanding, as he came to a stop a few feet from you. 

“I’m not sure,” he admitted. “Why? Just waiting for me to go so you can take back your crown?”

“Hardly.” you huffed, scowling at the mischief you saw in his eyes.

“Then you’ll miss me?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. 

You rolled your eyes. “Again, hardly.” 

He stepped closer. “That’s a shame, because I’d miss you, ___”, he said quietly.

You turned towards him, ready to deliver another biting comeback, when you saw he was serious. 

“You what?”

“You heard me. I said I’d miss you.” 

Dazed, you sucked in a breath, trying to process what you just heard. It was quiet around you, and you realized Kyungsoo was waiting for you to speak.  Words needed to be formulated into sentences, but unfortunately your brain was jumbled up like a plate of scrambled eggs. 

Kyungsoo stepped closer, and all you could see were his eyes, jet-black against the night sky. He lifted his hand to your face, running his thumb across your cheek in a gentle caress. You opened your mouth to speak, but no words came out, as though your brain was unable to process anything but the ripples of electricity running through your body and the warmth of his skin against yours in the cool night air. 

In your peripheral, you heard the squeal of the bus as it angled into your stop. The doors hummed as they opened and several people got off, no doubt ready to hit the town. You needed to get on that bus, but to do that, you’d have to break away. 

Kyungsoo reached up to clasp your face with both hands, drawing your gaze back to him, no doubt sensing your imminent withdrawal.

“I have my car here, ____.” Kyungsoo murmured, his deep voice making you feel tingly. “Let me take you home.” 

With the bus driver looking your way, you only had a few seconds to make a choice. You knew what you should do–get on the bus and go home to your apartment alone–but here you were, contemplating being alone with a man–your boss you might add! — a man you’d never thought about in a romantic way until now…

Are you sure? a voice inside you countered. You’ve never thought of him in any other way? Never fantasized about him caging you against the door of the walk-in? Not once imagined what was under the tight, black chef’s coat he wears everyday? 

You sucked in a breath as your brain acknowledged what your heart had known for a while now. Kyungsoo occupied your thoughts during the day (and night) more than you’d like to admit, and before you could remind yourself this was a bad idea, you found yourself blushing and nodding. 

You took the arm he offered, and soon you were cruising through the city street. Leaning back against the expensive leather seats, you could feel a deep tiredness settle into your bones. You fought to stay awake, but as the car’s warmth drifted over you and soft jazz filled your ears, you were soon lulled into dreamland, as Kyungsoo’s car sped towards your destination. 

~*~

Kyungsoo eased to a stop in front of your apartment, happy you had agreed to let him take you home. This was too far from the hotel for you to travel alone. He’d definitely be dropping you off on a regular basis, now that he knew. Not only would it satisfy his concern for your safety, but selfishly, it would also fill his need for you. 

Looking over, he smiled to see you dozing next to him. Turned towards him in sleep, he admired your features in the soft glow of the streetlights. It was so different to see this side of you, so relaxed and serene–a stark contrast to the fast-paced, tenacious dynamite you were in the kitchen. 

You murmured in your sleep and his gaze was drawn to your lips and he wondered what they felt like. His hand hovered inches over lips and he longed to run his thumb across your cupid’s bow. 

His plan was foiled by the blare of a car alarm two blocks down, causing you to startle awake. 

“Kyungsoo! How long have we been sitting here? Why didn’t you wake me?” you admonished, playfully swatting him on the shoulder. 

Truthfully, he’d enjoyed watching you sleep, just being near you was enough to make his heart flutter. But as usual, Kyungsoo played things closer to the vest, not wanting you to know how much you affected him. 

“Should I have carried you up the stairs then, like a gallant knight aiding a fair lady?”

You made a retching sound in your throat. “No, absolutely not. Besides–” you say, your gaze flickering up and down his body, “I have doubts that you’d even be able to get me to the door.” 

Kyungsoo knew it was a joke, but it didn’t stop him from bristling at your words. 

“Ah, that’s where you’d be wrong, ____. You see I lift.”

You quirked a brow in his direction, amusement sparkling in your eyes. “Yeah, lift pans, maybe.” 

“Try me,” he challenged. 

“Okay, you’re on. A piggyback ride all the way up to my apartment. Oh and did I mention I live on the 4th floor?” you added, bursting with glee. 

Looking out the window at your tall apartment building, Kyungsoo found himself regretting his rash words just a bit. He did go to the gym, he hadn’t been lying about that, it was a necessity in his line of work to keep his stamina up. However, he’d never carried an adult human more than a couple of yards at any given time. Puffing up his chest, he knew he’d make it even if it killed him, he had a lady to impress, afterall. 

When Kyungsoo bent down and ushered you on, you hesitantly stepped forward to get into position, sliding your arms around his neck. Up close, the pleasing scent of forest teased your senses and you had to stop yourself from pressing your face into his neck and inhaling the musky scent.

Kyungsoo lifted you with surprising ease, wasting no time before starting the long ascent up the winding staircase.  As he climbed and climbed, Kyungsoo’s breathing quickened and you could tell he was getting winded. His palms were scalding through your pants and you could feel the warmth of him seeping into your skin. When you finally reached your apartment door, Kyungsoo sounded like he was running a marathon. 

“Alright. Here. We Are. I Win.” Kyungsoo said, taking a long breath between each word. 

You held your hands up in defeat. “Okay, okay, I surrender. I was wrong.” 

Being wrong had never, ever felt so right. 

Kyungsoo gently set you back on your feet, before turning to face you. 

“So what’s my prize?”

“Your what?”

“My prize, ____. You challenged me, I won, therefore it’s only fair to receive appropriate compensation.” 

“And what’s your idea of ‘appropriate compensation’?” 

You knew what you wanted him to say, what you wanted him to do. The moment at the bus stop had teased your senses, and now, all you could think about is what it would feel like to have his lips against yours, his strong arms pressing you tight against his body. 

Kyungsoo detected the hint of flirtation in your voice and it chafed against his conscience. Up until now, he’d been able to keep up the light-hearted conversation, continue to play the game, both now and at work, while burning on the inside. The angel on his shoulder told him this was a bad idea, that no good could come from kissing an employee, but the devil on his other whispered about how good it would feel to finally have your lips against his own.

Before he knew it, his body made the choice for him, wanting satisfaction and tired of this constant state of denial. His arms shot out, encircling your waist and pulling you tight against his body. Your eyes widened, narrowing on his lips, and he took that as an invitation to seal his mouth against yours. 

Sinking into Kyungsoo’s warmth, your hands wound around his neck to secure him closer. You sighed into his mouth, tilting your head to the side, squealing at the feel of his tongue teasing your lower lip. Your hands found their way into Kyungsoo’s silky hair, and you tugged him closer, groaning as he sucked your tongue between his lips. The sound of heavy breathing filled the quiet hallway and you wanted nothing more than for him to slide you up the wall and take you out of your misery. 

Kyungsoo’s attention drifted to your neck, allowing you a moment of reprieve to catch your breath. Soft lips moved from your collarbone to just below your ear, alternating between gentle kisses and soft flicks of tongue. Kyungsoo paused to blow lightly on your skin, still wet from his previous care. You shivered at the sudden hot-cold sensation, clutching Kyungsoo’s head closer in a silent bid for more. 

Footsteps echoed in the hallway and the sound of male voices drew closer. You knew those voices: Hyun-min and his posse on the way back from a wild night out.

Forced from your lust-induced haze, you regrettably tore away from Kyungsoo’s lips. Kyungsoo’s stark look of confusion quickly faded as he realized the situation you were about to be in. Shoving the key into the lock, you pushed open the door, pulling Kyungsoo inside in the nick of time. 

As the voices outside faded, you breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing you needed was Hyun-min finding you pressed up against your boss as he sucked on your neck. Not because he’d object, but simply because he’d never let you live it down. 

In the darkened apartment, it was quiet, save for the sounds of late-night traffic drifting through the window and Kyungsoo breathing beside you. Pins and needles ran up and down your spine, your entire body titillated by the sounds of Kyungsoo’s movements in the darkness. Wanting more.

Kyungsoo whispered your name. Yes or no? he silently asked.

When you didn’t respond, he slid his hand along the wall, fumbling for the lightswitch, as if that would bring the answers he sought. 

You had only seconds to make a decision. 

Yes or no? 

A split second decision. You clapped your hand over his, preventing him from flipping the switch. In the darkness, the sweet spell remained, unbroken by obtrusive light. And in the dark, consequences be damned. 

Reaching out, you grabbed Kyungsoo’s hand, softly tugging him further into your apartment.

~*~

Fuck. Chop. Fuck. Chop. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Chop. Chop. Chop. 

Kyungsoo dropped the knife, running his fingers through his hair. Getting on the line usually helped clear his thoughts, but not today. No matter what he tried, his thoughts drifted back to you. It’d been dark when he woke in your bed, so dark his eyelids had practically begged for more sleep. It had been so tempting to wrap you tightly in his arms and remain.

But he had left. 

It wasn’t his style to leave without a word, but he’d been unsure of where you stood. He felt regret with how things had ended–you deserved to wake to a frittata and fresh coffee in bed, not to cold sheets and an empty apartment. 

The back of his neck heated in shame. He’d slept with an employee. This was basic work ethics 101–do not engage in sexual relations with staff members. Cocky it would never happen, he’d let his guard down around you. How could he–

“Something bothering you, Chef?” Hyun-min asked, startling Kyungsoo from his thoughts. 

Kyungoo attempted nonchalance. “No. Why would you think that?”

“Maybe because you’re practically pulverizing the vegetables,” Hyun-min said gesturing knowingly to the cutting board. “Unless gazpacho is now on the menu?” 

Kyungsoo looked down to see finely diced tomatoes, cucumbers, and onions, cut too small for the fresh salad he’d intended to make. 

Hyun-min loaded the remaining vegetables on a tray, carting them away before any further damage could be done. “I swear, you and _____ have it out for my station,” he muttered as he walked away. 

Cut off from his distraction, he was grateful for once when his phone rang. 

“Hello, Nina,” he greeted, closing himself into his office for what would no doubt be a lengthy conversation. 

“Hey, doll. How are ya?” 

“Well, actually Nina–”

“Great, glad to hear it. Listen–Nina came through for you, love. You’re out.”

Kyungsoo frowned. “What do you mean, Nina?”

Nina sighed, talking slowly as if she were explaining it to a toddler. “I mean you’re out of that little restaurant, babe. The network called and the competition show in Europe is a ‘go’. They want you there in two days.” 

Kyungsoo sucked in a breath, trying to digest what he’d just heard. Two days? Nowhere near enough time to tie up loose ends–both with the restaurant and with you. 

“Two days, Nina? That’s–”

“I know, love. It’s an eternity, but what can I do? You have a flight to London tonight, so pack a bag and head to the airport.  I’m sending the tickets to your email now.” 

“Thank you, Nina, but I–”

“No problem, kiddo. Nina’s here for you. Oops, Bobby’s here, gotta run. Talk soon, mwah!”

Before he could get a word in edgewise, the call dropped and she was gone. Kyungsoo vowed to himself that he’d get a new agent when this was all over, someone who actually let him finish sentences once in a while. Or let him have a vacation. Do anything that wasn’t on a schedule. 

By the time he’d packed up his office, the rest of the staff had filtered in, prepping for the long day ahead. A soft knock sounded at the door, drawing his attention. You slipped inside, shutting the door behind you, a look of determination on your face. You turned, walking to stand in front of him with your arms crossed. 

“I have something I want to talk to you about, Chef Do.” you announced, the use of his formal title not lost on him. 

He gestured for you to sit, but you remained firmly where you were. 

“Why did you leave like that?” you whispered, voice low in the off chance anyone was listening outside. “You just left..no note..no text…no nothing. Did it not mean anything to you?”

Your voice cracked at the end, betraying the hurt you’d promised to keep hidden. 

Kyungsoo sighed, running his hands over his face. “No, ____, of course not. But I’m your boss. I crossed a line last night–”

“We crossed a line last night,” you corrected, hurt turning into anger at the insinuation he’d somehow taken advantage of you. “I remember being very much in control last night, Kyungsoo.”  

Watching the hurt blossom in your eyes, Kyungsoo wanted nothing more than to take you in his arms, assure you that last night had been special, a night he’d never forget. 

His phone dinged and he looked down to see an email from his agent, with the tickets for his flight. He had a flight out of here to London tonight and the timing couldn’t have been worse. 

Fuming with righteous indignation, you looked around Kyungsoo’s office, for the first time noting its emptiness. Where pages and pages of notes had dominated its walls, now stood bare. Stacks of cookbooks were packed neatly into brown boxes sitting on the floor. Your heart squeezed at the realization: he was leaving. But why? Surely it couldn’t be because of last night…

“So…that’s it? You’re leaving…just like that?” you said in disbelief. “Was it because of last night?”

Kyungsoo flinched, not liking the hurt in your voice. “No…no absolutely not. My agent called me this morning…the show is on, _____. They’re expecting me in London the day after tomorrow…I have a flight out tonight.”

A roaring noise filled your ears and a tightness filled your chest. What did you say to that? “Congratulations”? “Don’t go”? “What about us”? It all seemed lame in the moment. One thing was sure, however: you wouldn’t be that girl. The girl who simped over a celebrity one-night stand, who expected more when it was never anything beyond casual. 

“Congratulations, Kyungsoo,” you said, a wistful smile on your face. “I’m sure it’ll be amazing.”

“____, about us, I–”

Your eyes started to feel hot. “No, Kyungsoo, don’t worry about it. I know we were just caught up in the moment last night.”

“But I really–”

You shook your head to keep the tears at bay, backing towards the door. “You don’t owe me any kind of explanation, Kyungsoo, I get it. Waking up alone was enough of a clue, so you don’t have to say anything else.”

“Wait–”

“Goodbye, Kyungsoo. I hope you get everything you wanted.” 

You slipped quickly out of the office, not stopping at Kyungsoo’s continued protests. You didn’t want to hear what he had to say. No, it would gut you to hear you were just some hook-up. Better to avoid and save your heart the pain.

Your feet carried through the kitchen and out the door just as tears started to fall. The scent of starch and detergent fumes engulfed you as you fled to the laundry room, the best place at the Crimson Aurora for some good old-fashioned privacy. You stayed there, hidden, not brave enough to face him at the very end. The loud whir of the industrial laundry machines washed out the sound of your tears and then and there you vowed to cleanse your heart of him, like removing a stain from a white sheet. 

~*~

Three months later. 

It still felt weird. Sitting in the office, that is. Your new office. It almost didn’t seem real–so much so you had to pinch yourself to prove it wasn’t a dream. But there it was, written on a shiny, gold desk plate: _____ ________, Head Chef.

You looked out into the bustling kitchen, filled with activity as the staff–your staff–worked hard during dinner rush. Making your dishes. In your kitchen. You still couldn’t believe you were here. Thinking back to that day three months ago, you’d never have guessed what life could bring. 

After hiding out in the laundry as long as humanly possible, you had trudged back to the land of the living, hoping to make it through dinner service so you could go home and have a good old-fashioned ice-cream cry. 

Hyun-min had practically jumped on you when you walked through the kitchen doors, peppering you with questions. Where was Chef Do going? Why were you crying? So many questions it made your head spin. The phone had rung, and you’d been relieved, for once, to be summoned to Manager Kim’s office. 

Being the amazing friend that he was, Hyun-min had insisted you celebrate after hearing the news.  You’d gone out with the kitchen staff that night, dressed to the nines, but without your heart really in it. You felt conflicted–you finally had it, the dream job you always wanted, but it came at the expense of losing something–or someone. 

Kyungsoo’s new television show had started airing, but you couldn’t bring yourself to watch, not willing to be tortured by what you couldn’t have. Luckily, your work kept you busy, at least during the day. It was nights that were harder. You couldn’t escape him, even in your own damn apartment. The stairs, the door, the bed–all reminders of that one unforgettable night before the rug was pulled out from under you. 

A knock on the door disturbed your thoughts and you looked up to see Hyun-min hovering in the doorway, a peculiar expression on  his face. 

“Um, boss? There’s a customer out front who’d like to speak to you…something about overcooked lamb chops…”

“You offered to re-make it, I’m assuming?”

Hyun-min nodded. “Yeah, but they said they wanted to talk to you specifically.”

Telling him you’d be right there, you reluctantly got up from your chair and donned your starched, white chef’s coat. Dealing with a picky customer wasn’t out of the ordinary, but your threshold for dealing with complaints today was at an all-time low. 

“Table 4”, Hyun-min called as you headed through the kitchen and out the doors into the dining room. 

Walking through the busy dining room, you dodged waitstaff and waded through customers, fresh from a matinee musical performance. You approached Table 4 from behind, where a lone male figure was seated. 

Taking a deep breath and pasting your “the customer is always right” smile on your face, you prayed a little sweet talking and a comped glass of wine would be enough to smooth this situation over. 

“Excuse me–” 

Dark brown eyes turned toward you, full lips that you were intimately familiar with parted into a smile.

Kyungsoo. 

You rubbed your eyes, making sure you weren’t just seeing things, that he was really there. What was he doing here? It didn’t make sense. He’d blown into your life, set it on fire, then breezed out, never to be heard from again. In the three months he’d been gone, you hadn’t heard from him once. 

“_____,” he breathed. “I heard you got the head chef job, so I came as soon as I got back from London. I missed you–”

Hearing his voice, your resolve wavered. You cleared your throat, striving to take control of the situation. You were a professional, the chef in charge now, and you wouldn’t let your feelings get the better of you, gosh darn it!

“Hello, sir, I heard from my kitchen staff that you were unhappy with a dish we prepared for you. May I ask what the issue is?”

Kyungsoo’s smile slipped from his face, as though he was surprised, almost disappointed at your reaction. 

Kyungsoo leaned forward, making sure no one could hear him but you. “Can we talk…privately?” 

As Kyungsoo led you into an empty office, he felt a hint of unease. He’d pictured your reunion much differently. In his imaginings, you were overjoyed at the surprise of seeing him, smiling widely before pulling him close for an embrace–the embrace he’d imagined everyday during those long, lonely weeks in Europe. He understood, but it stung all the same. 

Once inside, he walked towards the window, stopping to look out into the bright moonlight, trying to gather his thoughts. You stayed a respectful distance away, looking wary, as though you were about to bolt out the door. 

You waited for Kyungsoo to speak…and waited…but he only continued to look out the window. “Look, Kyungsoo, what is it? I’ve got to head back to work soon.” 

Kyungsoo turned towards you, silhouetted in moonlight, his eyes dark as the sky behind him. 

“I missed you,____. So much. Everyday.”

You snorted. “Sure, Kyungsoo. You missed me. So much so you called me all of zero times. Or did I just miss all those calls and texts you sent me?” 

Kyungsoo shifted between his feet. “I know I messed up, _____. I shouldn’t have just left like that, you deserved better than that.” 

“Yeah, you’re right, Kyungsoo. I did deserve better. You just left without any explanation.” 

Kyungsoo started to speak, but you kept going. 

“I’m not talking about leaving for Europe, Kyungsoo. I understood that part, you had an opportunity and took it. But that morning, you just left my apartment, no note, no explanation, nothing, after we–” you cut off, not wanting to say it aloud. 

Crossing to you, Kyungsoo gripped your shoulders. “I’m sorry, _____. That morning, it killed me to leave. I wanted to make it so good for you, but I was scared.”

You watched as Kyungsoo worried his lower lip. “Scared of what?” you breathed.

“Us. What we did. I was your boss, ____. No matter how much I wanted you, I was disappointed in myself. Then, when I was in Europe, I wondered if you’d even want to hear from me. I was your boss and I took advantage of you, I worried you felt you had no choice–” 

You put your pointer finger against his lips, cutting him off before he could finish what he was going to say. 

“Kyungsoo, I appreciate the concern, but I’m not a baby. I chose to invite you in, I chose to let you kiss me. For god’s sake, we were stone cold sober, so it’s not like we can even blame the alcohol. You didn’t force me to do anything, okay?”

He nodded and you removed your finger from his lips. 

“For what it’s worth, I thought you deserved a frittata. If I could do that night over, I’d have made you the most delicious breakfast you’d ever had and served it to you in bed.” 

“Well…I guess next time, I’ll be holding you to that, then.” 

Kyungsoo looked up, his mouth forming an “o”. “Next time?” he whispered. 

“Yeah, next time,” you said, a small smile lighting up your face. 

Kyungsoo slid his hands from your shoulders to cup your cheeks. “So…you forgive me?” he said, hopefully. 

“Yeah, I forgive you. You made some dumb decisions, but hey, at least you’re still cute.”

Kyungsoo pinched your cheeks in revenge, immediately stroking the reddened skin to soothe the burn. 

“So, what are you going to do now that you’re back?” you asked, turning serious again. 

“I actually leased a restaurant just a few streets over,” he said sheepishly. “I finally did it, got my own place.”

“So…you were really here to check out the competition, eh?” you said, shooting him a grin. “What did you think?”

Moving his hands to your waist, Kyungsoo pulled you against him, your faces just inches apart. 

“The lamb chops were a little overdone,” he said with a wink. 

You scoffed. “Shut up, Kyungsoo. Don’t you have anything better to do with those lips? Like kissing me, perhaps?” 

“Much better,” he said, joining your mouths together at last. 

As your lips clashed, you soaked in the feeling of being in Kyungsoo’s arms again. You certainly hadn’t expected today to end this way. That Kyungso was here to stay was even more of a surprise, in a restaurant of his own not four blocks away. Once again, you were competitors, though this time on equal footing. 

As they said, “keep your friends close and enemies closer,” and this enemy, you’d enjoy keeping very, very close. 

~*~

Thank you so much for reading Flames of Attraction! I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please re-blog for others to find! And please support the other amazing creators on the Crimson Aurora Hotel & Spa project. @myeoning-call @leewalberg @yourkeeperoftherunners @taem-min @ouvuo @dreamylittlesugarcube @jxstadaydreamer @xiubaek-13 @yourkeeperoftherunners @ninibears-erigom and @sojuri

XOXO, 

Emmy

[crisalidaseason]

The blooms of our mind

Summary: Armin and Erwin's eldest daughter meet (part 2)

Read Part 1 here

Content warning: talks about a dead person, grief mentioned, anxiety (armin is an anxious boi).

“tell me, Armin” Nadi said from the other corridor of the small library “do you believe in sea monsters? Like the ones from the stories you told me”

Armin was helping Nadi organize some new books and documents that arrived recently, he was put on cataloging duties while she placed the books in their correct place. 

“I think it’s possible that large creatures exist, but also the travelers could have exaggerated a little. They did sail drunk for the most part” he answered. 

Armin heard her chuckle.

“Give the poor sailors some credit, we lived among giant creatures roaming on this island. Maybe a large and vengeful octopus is completely reasonable”

She went to the front desk again, where Armin was sitting, and picked up another pile of books.

“Do you want some fresh tea? Cora is probably brewing some, I can ask for two mugs”

“I’d rather not, she might poison my cup” Armin replied.

Cora was a very mean lady that cared for the building. Everytime Armin went to visit or help Nadi, the middle aged woman judged him silently as if he was very unwelcome there. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to pour the tea myself and spare you from the unnecessary healing”

With that, Nadi left the small library and Armin resumed cataloging the books. He smiled and shook his head, who would have thought that two months after their tea shop encounter he would be regularly visiting Nadi? He suspected that commander Hange was up to something, they were often sending Armin to the area for odd favors, but he was not complaining. As much as he enjoyed exchanging letters, the joy of seeing her in person would never be matched. 

“Two steaming mugs of lemongrass tea” Nadi appeared again.

Armin thanked her and took a sip of his tea. He used to drink lemongrass tea with his grandfather almost everyday, until his military years took this small indulgence from him. It was nice to share the sweet beverage with a good friend again, at least he liked to think they were already on this stage, even if they have known each other for a short time. Armin and Nadi connected fast, even sharing some personal information, which was far more than Armin ever achieved with someone in such a short frame of time. 

He had learned she was the oldest of two sisters, but didn’t live on the Smith’s family home anymore, choosing to stay close to her job as a librarian. In exchange, Armin told her about his friends and his military years, even a little bit of his routine with Hange and titan training. One thing they never discussed was her father. Armin was relieved but also anxious about that, he believed Nadi knew who he was and what happened that day. A small part of him wondered if she didn’t know anything, which was even scarier because their friendship would be ruined if Nadi ever found out. He decided that living with the anxiety was better than risk losing their companionship. 

“Armin” her voice brought him back “when you return to the headquarters, could you deliver a message to your commander?”

He nodded. She handed him a small envelope with her beautiful handwriting saying ‘to commander Hange Zoe’. He wondered what kind of message it was, maybe about the plans for the spears? 

“Are you curious?” she said, smirking “I know you are”

Armin blushed furiously and denied. Nadi chuckled.

“It’s just a formal document granting the Survey Corps the ownership of the thunder spear project sheets”

“Wait what?” he said “doesn’t it take away your credit on this?”

“Yes, but my…” she hesitated “my father once told me that it’s safer to never perpetuate my name on military weaponry”

Armin understood right away, considering her father was almost executed by the government once…it makes sense for Erwin to be cautious. Armin knew well how the higher ones loved to target families.

“Makes sense” he said “keeps you safe”

Her eyes were a little distant, and the frown on her brows gave up her sadness. 

“Armin, can I ask you a question?” she said, still not looking at him “you don’t need to answer if I make you uncomfortable”

He nodded.

“How…how was he?” she began “my father, how was he as a commander? Hange told me you worked close with him”

Armin sometimes thought he was very unlucky, Hange really had a problem with not holding their tongue sometimes. 

“He was very stoic, inspiring to many people, some would even call him charismatic. He listened to me when nobody would ever spare me seconds, but he also carried a weight on his shoulders”

“The weight of his decisions” she said, now looking at him “I’m glad he heard you, many lives were saved because of your thoughts”

He should be happy, she seemed to not blame him, but he never felt more miserable. How could she look at Armin and not scream that he’s the reason her father will never come back home?

“Look at the time!” Nadi stood up “let’s finish this, I don’t want you return late in the night”

They finished putting the books away and Armin left with the remaining sunlight still in the sky. He couldn’t forget Nadi’s distant and sad features when mentioning her father, he wanted to comfort her, tell her that Erwin was a good man and would be proud of his daughter. But Armin wasn’t sure he had the right to do it. 

He arrived later than usual on the headquarters, with heavy steps, noticing that Hange had already left the office so he decided to leave the message on the commander’s desk. Trying to sleep was not working, as usual, but he felt better remembering that he would see Nadi again in two days. He was holding the latest letter she sent him, his fingers tracing her handwriting, remembering all the times he would eagerly check his post office box. Mikasa was so curious whenever Armin asked to stop by to pick up his mail, constantly trying to peek at the envelope. He would eventually tell her, but he wanted Nadi to be something only he knew for a little while. 

The next two days were a blur, with Armin doing everything on autopilot to the point Hange noticed. 

“Armin, for the walls sake, are you half asleep today?” they said when he dropped the paperweight for the third time that morning.

“Sorry commander” 

“Take a break, boy, sleep seems to hate you these days” 

“Indeed, but I’ll push through” he said, sitting on the chair and closing his eyes for a moment.

He heard a chuckle from the commander. Oh no.

“So, how are dates with your girlfriend going?”

Armin opened his eyes and stupidly stuttered.

“She isn’t-I mean we-” he sighed “not dates, not girlfriend”

“HOHO” Hange threw their head back “you can’t even form sentences!”

Armin tried to hide his face with his hands. He should have expected that, knowing how Hnge poorly concealed the fact they plotted this whole situation. Deep down, Armin was thankful that Hange was a nosy person, especially with him and Levi, but he would never admit. 

The next time he went to see Nadi, he was actually off duty. Armin was panicking, Nadi had never seen him without uniform and picking civilian clothes opened up the gates of anxiety. What if she thinks he looks silly? Armin’s clothes resembled an old man’s: baggy linen shirt and thick fabric pants. He almost wanted to cancel his visit, but decided against it. He hoped she could see past his horrible sense of civilian fashion.

“Look at you! I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without uniform” she said as soon as Armin crossed the library’s door “blue looks wonderful on you”

“Ah, um, thanks” he half said, half choked. 

“I will be done with the last entries really soon and then we can head to the teashop”

They had planned to return to the same teashop, just to enjoy each other’s presence and talk without a task or Armin’s curfew to interrupt them. They took a small table on the outside area of the shop, it was a sunny but not overly warm day after all.

“What can I bring to the couple?” a sweet old lady asked them.

Armin’s brain just fried at that point. He was certain his face was extremely red, even his neck, if the heat was any indication. 

“I would love a cinnamon and cream bagel, and unsweetened green tea” Nadi asked, still smiling at Armin’s complete lack of words “would you like me to pick something for you, Armin?”

He nodded, not risking saying anything back. 

“He would enjoy a blackberry tea with one sugar cube and a plain rain bun”

The lady took their orders and left. Nadi turned to look at Armin again.

“Are you alright? I can change the order if you don’t-”

“It’s perfectly fine!” he said, a little too loud “I-um-I liked it”

She smiled again, trying to hide it with her hands. 

“You know, I don’t blame her, we do look like a couple now”

He suspected Nadi was trying to kill him with embarrassment.

“Does it make you uncomfortable? I can stop”

“No, no” he said “It’s just that I am a little too new with everything related to…to you”

“So am I” she said “but I think it’s perfect this way”

They were interrupted by the lady with their orders in hand. Once both were served, they paused to enjoy their tea. 

“You know, I was a little worried for a moment” Nadi commented “your face was so red that I genuinely believed you would faint”

He laughed.

“I do get red easily, but I never passed out before. Only when seriously injured”

They spoke occasionally, between sips of their teas and bites of their treats. Armin loved to see her laughing, her hand gestures loud and excited, her reactions to his stories and Hange’s shenanigans. Soon enough it was time for them to go, and Armin offered to accompany her home.

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to stray you too much from your path” 

“Of course, I don’t mind at all” he said “besides, it gives us more time to talk”

“Indeed, I enjoy our conversations very much” she said.

He walked alongside her, making sure to keep her shielded from the road, the passing people and carriages. She lived in a small pension, only a few meters away from the library. It was a beautiful place, with a calm neighborhood.

“What a lovely place” he said.

“Yes, it is a little expensive, but also worth it when you want to sleep in on sundays”

“If I ever leave the military, I would definitely live in a place like this”

“Tell me when you leave, I can ask mister Silas for a room close to mine. I would pester you forever”

Armin laughed, shaking his head. He would enjoy it very much.

“I think this is where we say goodbye” Armin said “for now”

They were in front of her building, but Nadi turned to face him instead of going inside.

“You know, Armin” she started “I really enjoyed our day, in fact I like all of our days, even the ones we only speak through paper” 

She took his hand.

“I would never demand anything from you, but I hope you enjoy what we have as much as I do” 

“I do, genuinely” he said, already feeling his face warm.

She smiled again, but it was a wicked smile, as if she was planning a small evil action.

“Please, don’t faint” she whispered.

She got closer and her lips touched Armin’s left cheek, very softly.  

“Good night, Armin. Thank you again for today”

Armin was too stunned to speak, the place where she kissed him still tingling. He contemplated never washing his left cheek ever again. 

“Good night” he stuttered.

Nadi went to the door, but turned back to face him again.

“Send me a letter?”

Armin looked at her, heart almost jumping inside his ribcage.

“Definitely”

[onlyfreds]

I posted 345 times in 2022

135 posts created (39%)

210 posts reblogged (61%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@theoreticslut

@withahappyrefrain

@onlyfreds

@butterbeerkiss

@rogueharrington

I tagged 201 of my posts in 2022

Only 42% of my posts had no tags

#gabriella’s friends - 59 posts

#inbox 💌 - 34 posts

#fredweasley - 33 posts

#fredweasleyimagines - 28 posts

#fred weasley fluff - 28 posts

#fred weasley x reader - 28 posts

#fredweasleyfanfic - 28 posts

#fred weasley fanfiction - 27 posts

#fred weasley x y/n - 27 posts

#fred weasley x you - 26 posts

Longest Tag: 64 characters

#just a little boost since that sideblog seems to be shadowbanned

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Can I Have This Dance? | E.M.

Title: Can I Have This Dance?

Requested: Yes/No

Summary: You have feelings for Elijah. He has feelings for you. Rebekah has a plan.

A/N: This is my first ever fic for Elijah. I hope you guys like it! 💖

No one in the whole of New Orleans does a party like the Mikaelsons does.

Every single one of their parties were practically better than the last, as if they had some sort of record to break.

You weren’t much of a party person. But Rebekah practically begged you to go and you couldn’t resist her.

Another reason was because a certain Mikaelson was sure to be there.

“Y/N!” Rebekah almost squealed your name as she caught sight of you walking through the giant gates of the Mikaelson compound.

“I’m so glad you could make it.” Her British accent ringing through her every word while she gave you a hug, “And you look amazing! I’m sure Elijah would be pleased.”

“Bexs.” You smiled, “Thank you but Elijah barely notices me in the first place.”

“Please.” The blonde rolled her eyes, “Elijah is absolutely smitten with you. You’re just too blind to see that he loves you just as much as you do.”

“As much as I adore you shipping us. Elijah sees me as a friend. If he’s smitten for anyone, it’s obviously Hayley.” You protested, trying to keep the jealousy out of your voice.

“Fine, don’t believe me, the all-knowing sister, just wait and see for yourself then.” Rebekah teased.

“Why sister, how long do you plan on keeping our favorite guest from us?” Klaus asked as he and Elijah appeared behind Rebekah.

The blonde turned to face them, “Don’t be ridiculous Nik, I was only greeting her.”

“Favorite guest? You flatter me Klaus.” You smiled as you hugged him.

“He’s just stealing all the credit.” Elijah grinned, stepping in for his turn, “I’m the one who coined the title actually.”

You laughed as Klaus rolled his eyes, “I should’ve known.”

“Are you four seriously just going to stand around here?” Freya asked, giving you a hug in greeting.

“Last I checked, this was a celebration, not a pity party.” Hayley appeared, sending you a smile.

“We’re coming.” You and Rebekah said at the same time, causing the rest of the group to laugh.

—

It was practically common knowledge that if Rebekah Mikaelson had a plan, she would stop at nothing to execute it.

With half of her plan already in motion, the blonde girl watched contentedly from the balcony of the compound, sipping on her champagne.

“I know that look.” Klaus mused, approaching her with his own drink in hand, “You’ve got something up your sleeve, don’t you?”

“Well, let’s just say that we could either start planning the wedding soon or help Elijah through his heartbreak.” Rebekah grinned.

Klaus chuckled, “Definitely our resident matchmaker. How many did you compel this time?” 

“Only one guy.” She answered, her eyes not leaving her target, “And knowing our dear brother, that’ll be enough.”

See the full post

521 notes - Posted August 28, 2022

#4

🔎 𝐂𝐥𝐮𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 - a dare or bet trope with Fred x fem!nonGryffindor!reader

Thank you so much for requesting this!

My 1.3k rom-com night is now closed!

A Dare or a Set-up

If there was one thing that Hogwarts never failed to have aside from magic, brooms and trouble - it was the parties. 

Most of these parties were held by the infamous Weasley twins. A majority of people couldn’t tell them apart. But Y/N could. 

The twins teased you that the only reason why you could tell them apart was because you were in Ravenclaw. But the truth is, you were able to tell them apart because you found Fred more handsome, more funnier and (probably biased) more sweeter than his twin.

It wasn’t mainly on the appearance, but the way you felt around a certain one of them. 

“Special delivery!” Your best friend sat by the Ravenclaw table, brandishing a folded up parchment. 

“Another love letter?” You asked, pouring yourself another glass of pumpkin juice, “Who’s it from?” 

Your best friend shook her head, “It’s for you.” 

You furrowed your brows in confusion, “Me?” 

Your best friend nodded, “Yes. You.” 

Still confused, you took the parchment from her and slowly unfolded it.

Though written in some sort of chicken-scratch handwriting, the letter was surprisingly legible. But what surprised you the most, was the fact that it was from Fred Weasley.

“What?” Y/B/F/N said excitedly, running to the other side of the table to take a look at the letter. 

“It says that he personally invites me to the party this weekend and I should feel free to bring along my friends.” You whisper-shouted excitedly. 

Y/B/F/N smiled, nudging you, “He’s looking at you.” 

Looking up, Fred was indeed looking at you - awaiting your reaction. Once your eyes had come to meet his, he grinned.

Returning the smile, you looked back down at the piece of parchment in your hand. 

“So,” Y/B/F/N said, nudging you again, “will you attend?” 

“Of course.” You promptly answered, “Who would possibly be crazy enough to turn down a personal invitation from Fred Weasley, himself?” 

–

The first thing that met you upon opening the door of the abandoned classroom was the lights. 

Someone had, somehow, managed to acquire a muggle disco ball that decorated the walls with multi-color lights. 

You failed to recognize the music, though, somewhat a mix of rock and pop.

Your best friend had disappeared from your side the moment the two of you entered the room, very typical of her. 

Walking through the room, you tried to find her (and probably give her an earful) when you suddenly felt someone collide with you.

Both of you apologized at the same time and it wasn’t until that moment that you got a good look at the person you bumped into.

Despite the darkness of the room, it didn’t take a genius to see who it was. The red hair, the charming smile, the cinnamon and firewood smell.

See the full post

551 notes - Posted September 28, 2022

#3

Seriously Moony? | (Young) Remus Lupin

Title: Seriously Moony?

Requested: Yes/No

Description: You’re James Potter’s sister. You’re also dating Remus Lupin…behind James’ back

No one would have thought that it was possible for James Potter to be your twin brother.

The two of you were polar opposites, it was a wonder how the two of you didn’t annoy each other every minute of every day.

Long story short, you and James got along quite well. This also made you an honorary member of the Marauders, even if you didn’t participate in your antics as much.

The only problem was, you were dating one of his best friends - Remus Lupin behind his back.

How could you not even fall in love with him in the first place? He was so sweet, kind and caring. If there was even the slightest chill in the air, he would immediately pull one of his sweaters over you. While the two of you were on a study date, he would just nudge you and hand you a piece of chocolate from under the table. And whenever the two of you were away from James’ prying eyes - he would find all the excuses to hold you as close to you as possible.

James raised a brow at you when you appeared in the common room, “Who’s sweater is that?” 

You stopped in your tracks, realizing that you were still wearing Remus’ sweater that you had “permanently borrowed” from him, “Mine?” 

James laughed, “Yep, doesn’t fool me sis. You don’t have a brown sweater.” 

You looked at Remus who was trying to hide an amused smile, “Says who? What if I have a sweater that you don’t know about?” 

“Actually that sweater does look familair but I can’t remember where I saw it.” Sirius furrowed his brows, trying to rack his brain for the memory.

“You know it kinda looks like one of the sweaters Remus has.” Peter said.

James laughed, “C’mon Peter, why would she be wearing Moony’s sweater? It’s not like they’re dating.” before he deadpanned, “You’re not dating right?” 

“James, that’s just ridiculous. You would have my head if I so much gave your sister flowers, much less date her. Besides what if she just bought the sweater?” Remus said in a no nonsense voice before opening the book in his lap. 

“It’s a good thing one of you has some decent common sense.” You said, turning to go up to your dorm but not before you looked at your boyfriend who smiled and shot a wink your way while James started to get occupied with Quidditch talk.

–

“For a second there, I thought James had figured it out.” Remus chuckled as the two of you relaxed behind the shelves in the library, leaning against the shelves with your hands intertwined. The chances of James finding you here with your boyfriend were low.

You laughed, “James wouldn’t be able to take a hint even if it danced stark naked in front of him.” 

Remus laughed, pressing a kiss to your cheek, “You’re adorable, you know?” 

You giggled, brushing a stray brown lock away from his eyes, “You’re more adorable.” 

He smiled, pressing his forehead against yours before pulling your lips into a kiss. 

Smiling into the kiss, you cupped his face in your hands as you returned the same passion and eagerness he was giving you.

Disconnecting your lips for a moment to breathe, Remus dived back in, pulling you in to straddle his lap as he devoured the feeling of his lips pressed to your soft ones.

You never wanted to leave that moment, you just wanted it to last forever. Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible when you heard footsteps heading in your direction.

Immediately scrambling off Remus’ lap, the two of you stood up as Madam Pince rounded the corner, making it seem like that nothing out of the ordinary was happening.

Feeling her gaze on the two of you, you said, “You know, I get that Romeo and Juliet dying is what makes the whole thing tragic but its just stupid.” 

Remus furrowed his brows, trying hard not to laugh, “How so?” 

See the full post

566 notes - Posted June 14, 2022

#2

Destiny has its Ways | F.W.

Title: Destiny has its Ways

Requested: Yes/No

Summary: Eight months after Fred broke up with you - you decide to visit the shop but with someone special along.

It would be an understatement to say that Fred Weasley was the best boyfriend ever.

Fred Weasley was the most passionate of lovers, he could basically be named the god of love.

He would cater to your every need and request, he would always be there for you - especially when you need him the most. Fred was literally the man of your dreams and you couldn’t imagine a future without him.

“You still haven’t had enough?” You teased as Fred hovered over you, tracing a line of kisses from your jaw down to your neck.

“What kind of a question is that?” He asked with a cheeky grin, sucking his mark on your sweet spot, “I can never get enough of you.”

“Never?” You asked him with an amused smile.

“Never ever.” He confirmed, pressing a kiss to your lips.

--

You had been feeling sick for the past few days, getting up early in the morning to bend over the toilet and empty out the contents of your stomach into it.

“Why don’t you go to the hospital wing and have it checked?” Fred asked, giving you a worried look.

You shook your head, waving him off, “I’m fine. It could just be a bug or something.”

“You sure?” Your boyfriend asked, raising a brow at you.

“I’ll be fine, positive.” You said, giving him a reassuring smile.

“When was the last time you had your period?” Hermione asked a week later, after you’ve told her that you were still vomiting.

You thought about it for a moment before dread washed over you when you realized it, “It’s late… by two weeks.”

Thankfully, Madam Pomfrey wasn’t in the hospital wing so you managed to get a muggle pregnancy test without anyone giving you a suspicious look.

Hermione then stood outside of the bathroom while you conducted the test.

Your stomach dropped as you stared in horror at the two red lines that stood clearly on the white stick.

You sat down on the lid of the toilet seat, feeling like you would collapse if you didn’t. The tears started flowing down the apple of your cheeks as your whole world was suddenly turned upside down.

Hermione started knocking on the door, “You alright? What’s the result?”

You couldn’t give her an answer - but she could hear you crying and that was enough.

She gently opened the stall door and came in, rubbing your back in an attempt to comfort you.

“What am I going to do Hermione?” You asked, “We’re just 18. We can’t have a baby yet.”

“I know.” The younger girl consoled, “Everything’s going to be alright.”

You gripped the test tightly, “Everything’s not going to be alright Hermione. Everything’s going to be a disaster.”

“Y/N, you have a wonderful boyfriend who is basically so whipped for you, who would do absolutely anything for you and looks at you like you just gave him the world on a silver platter. I know that this won’t be easy, but I don’t see how this will be a disaster.” Hermione said.

See the full post

713 notes - Posted April 1, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

So Much for Secrecy | F.W.

Title: So Much for Secrecy

Requested: Yes/No

Summary: When Fred starts sending letters that weren't up to his usual standards - you start to get worried.

“Are you sure you can’t stay over at the Burrow for the summer?” Fred pouted, holding on to you as tightly as he could without suffocating you

You giggled, wrapping your arms around his neck as you gave him a smile, “I already told you. We’re going to our summer house since this is the first time my sister’s been home since she went off to college. I’ll write to you everyday and I’ll be able to head to the Burrow two weeks before school starts.”

“Fine.” He huffed, pecking your lips, “You better write to me everyday.”

“I promise.” You said, still smiling up at him.

“C’mon Fred! You’re just parting for the summer! You’re not a soldier going into war.” George called out from the spot where he and the rest of the Weasley family were waiting.

Fred rolled his eyes at his twin, causing you to laugh.

“Go! Your family is waiting.”

“They can wait a little bit longer.” He muttered, bending down to connect your lips in a brief kiss.

“Oi lover boy! Hurry up!” George’s call came again.

“Coming!” Fred said, littering kisses all over your face before he made his way to his family,

“Bye! Write to me everyday! I love you!”

You laughed, waving at him, “Yes, I promise that I’ll write everyday! I love you too!”

–

That was two weeks ago. And you had kept your promise to your boyfriend that you would write to him everyday.

“Writing to your boyfriend, again?” Your sister mused, peeking over your shoulder.

“Yeah.” You said, not looking up from your letter, “Why?”

Y/S/N shrugged, “You just wrote him a letter yesterday, and the day before that.”

“So?”

“So? Normally when my boyfriend and I exchange love letters its either on a special occasion or a weekly basis.”

“Well, my relationship is different from yours.” You said, sealing the letter in an envelope.

“Good point.” Y/S/N agreed, “But, why everyday?”

You smiled, remembering the little exchange before you temporarily parted ways with your respective families.

“Fred is clingy, in a good way. He’s just adorable when he’s clingy. He even told me once that if there ever passes a day that he doesn’t get to see even just a glimpse of me - then his day isn’t complete. So, he made me promise - three times if I may mention - that I would write to him everyday so that ‘he doesn’t miss me as much’.”

“Why didn’t you bring him over?” Your sister said, giving you a look, “I would’ve loved to meet him!”

You smiled at her, “I won’t make any promises - but, maybe next year.”

“I’ll take that then.” She teased.

See the full post

920 notes - Posted April 16, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[oktorpg]

Partners in Crime – Book 3 – Chapter 5 - Storyline 10 – Together

〄 ꜱᴛᴏʀʏʟɪɴᴇ - 10

Partners in Crime

  ╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: @LittleBirdRey & @ToldUIdSurvive

       ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: ʙᴏᴏᴋ 3: ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴡᴀʏ ɪꜱ ᴜ

            ╰ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ: 5 ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ  @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

               ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

•— Raven —•

“You know what… I feel like being nice today.”

•— John —•

"What are you plotting?"

•— Raven —•

“Me? Plotting? As if I would?” Smirks.

“Also, why aren’t you offering to help? And you call yourself my friend.”

•— John —•

“Please!! We all know when it comes to plotting, I am the genius! You are the one that needs to make my crazy ideas  possible!”

•— Raven —•

“Excuse Me!!” Poking him in the chest with narrowed eyes. “Correct me if I’m wrong, however I’ve had a big hand in the last two or three plots we worked on!”

•— John —•

“You did… but like I said…. My plots… your genius inventions! I’ll split the credit 50/50.” Holding out my hand to seal the deal.

•— Raven —•

My eyes linger on the outstretched hand. I shook my head. “More effort goes into the execution of a plan. 80/20 sound better from where I stand.”

•— John —•

I tilted my head, like I might be pondering her offer. “60/40?” I countered with a smirk.

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head slowly, biting my lips.  “70/30. If you ask nicely.”

•— John —•

I swallowed… what the… my heart did a thing. And I felt like I would give her anything she wanted at that moment. But that would give me away.

“65/35” I pressed leaning form added a little, turning light blue eyes up to her.

•— Raven —•

“Deal!” Reaching out I took his hand in mine. Shaking it before he changed his mind.

“I would have giving the last offer if you pushed, Watcher! I win!” Winking at him with a shoulder nudge.

•— John —•

“Did you though?” I raised a single brow?  “You accepted my offer… sooooo don’t I win?”

•— Raven —•

Dropping his hand to wave his outlandish claim off. “Yes, yes I did. I’m not a novice, John. I know when a deal is ready for negotiation and when to call it.”

•— John —•

I gasped, loud and dramatic! “You took advantage of me!?! I’m horrified!!” My very poor attempt at not laughing failed miserable.

“So who are we prancing today?”

•— Raven —•

“You’ll get over yourself.” Rolling my eyes at him, with a lick of my lips. I pointed to the door with the window in the middle of it.

“We are not prancing. More like…” tapping my chin as I thought. “Making things fun.”  On the other side of the door say Harper and Luna’s  class of children of all ages. “There is a box of the ice cream to make up for whatever we do.”

•— John —•

I tilted my head looking at her…. “Okay fine…. But after the we can do a real prank right?” I couldn’t play a joke on those kids; they had been through so much…

“Maybe we try make a game of leaning some of the Tek on board. I know a lot of the grounders are struggling with  lights and even doors. Kids pick up these things faster.”

•— Raven —•

Rubbing my hands together. “I knew you would be the perfect partner in crime for this. And yeah. That’s sounds pretty good to me.”

Waving my hand towards the door. “I was thinking about a light show in the observation room. However, learning is the more important thing to do.”

•— John —•

“That would be a good reward… something for them to look forward too if they work hard?” I smiled… going even if they didn't work at all she would still do it. “I know most of the kids are well-recovered, but this place is still very strange to them… showing them it can be pretty, and fun could go a long way to helping when it's time to go to cryo.”

•— Raven —•

Biting on my lips I let my eyes moved away from John. How did this guy always hit the nail on the head? “Uhmm… yeah… yes. Of course.” Shifting off one foot to the other.

“Some part of me feels guilty.” Blurting it out. “You know, they had a life on the ground. They were allowed to be kids. But here… we are going to freeze them in time. I feel like I’m going to steal their childhood or something.” My logic mind knew the truth, however my heart… it had another story to tell.

•— John —•

“Raven… a lot of these kids lived in poverty, or started working the land as soon as they could hold a rake.” I told her. “They would be dead on the ground... And not because of us… Because of the toxic death traps humans built 100 years ago. Here, they are medicine. Their  families… and soon they'll go to sleep, safe and warm.

They won't know hunger, or rationing…. Solar flare hideouts, or water shortages. Then…when they walk up, they will be home. And it will feel like the blink of an eye. They'll all still be the same age; they won't lose a moment of innocence.” I stepped closer to her. “You might feel like they are losing time… but it's not true… it's just because you'll be watching them through the glass.”

I knew she wouldn't go into cryo. She would stay and make sure everyone was safe. “But to them… no time will pass. And I'll be right there. On the other side of the glass with you. The whole time.”

•— Raven —•

“It’s cold…” the words came out without a thought. “The Cryo… it’s cold… not warm.” Swallowing back the floods of emotions which rared its head out of nowhere.

Of course, I knew John told the truth, but guilt came with no rhyme, nor reason. It liked to sit on my chest  free of charge.

And then it hit me. “What did you say?” Frowning a little. “Why aren’t you going in?” Lowering my voice so I didn’t disturb the class of children.

“John why wouldn’t—“ it hit me. Why would he? The realisation did not stop the anxiety of what it would mean if he didn’t go in with the rest.

“John….??”

•— John —•

“Oh…” I mean I knew that but… “They… um… won’t feel the cold, will they?” I knew that too. I mean, they weren’t literally frozen… I didn’t understand the science, but I knew that much.

“I can’t, Raven… I just… I’ll make myself useful. I will but don’t ask me to go  in there if…” I stopped myself from saying -if you’re not.-

“Besides… do you really think I will let you have years on me? You’re already smarter than me. I won’t let wield age over me too.” I laughed.

Would it truly create an age gap between us? It wasn’t something I  prepared to risk... The few days I had lost her were like a living hell. She would live a life for five years while I slept. I wouldn't even know her when I woke up. Wed be strangers again.

•— Raven —•

How was I going to break this down? First glancing around, because I didn’t need an audience.

“We don’t have enough sedation for everyone.” Keeping my voice low. The children will be the first to be given it, so that their experience is as smooth as possible. Then the clans heads are assigned to tell us who is likely to need what is left.” Rubbing my forehead, I shifted to rest my shoulder on the cold metal wall. “This is something they are trying to work out in the council room. Well. One of the things.”

Dropping my gaze to the floor I sighed  “I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to John. I’ve learnt my lesson when it comes to that. However, I need to you understand what you are asking. The fact that everyone but a skeleton crew will be sleeping. Dreaming I hope of a new world where we can make  better choices. Be better people. They will all be waiting for this world… and five years…. It’s an incredible amount of time to be left with your thoughts up here.”

His mental health had to come first. “I’ll still be here when you wake up. And I promise not to hold my wisdom and years over you.” Half smiling, I gave him a nudge.

•— John —•

I shuddered. Not at the idea that there wasn’t enough sedation… grounders were tough they would handle it. As long as the kids were looked after. It was the dreaming… five years locked in my head with my monsters? I’d rather float myself…

I knew she would be there… or I hoped… who would she be by then? Who would stay awake with her? Would they be her family? Would she fall in love?

My heart squeezed. “You’d be a stranger.” I blurted out…. “Five years… you… it’s…” I stopped and took a breath. “There aren’t a lot of people that ever cared about me… or that I cared about. I can’t… I couldn’t… wake up and they won a care about the most was a stranger… how..” I stammered. “And what if….” I stopped. What if she was right and we dreamed for five whole years. Five years in hell, running, dying alone, watching her die again and again. 

“I need to be on that crew, Stargazer.”

•— Raven —•

My feet took me towards the shadows in the corridor. I could have him witness the entire scene on my face while he spoke, and my emotions made themselves knows.

My heart sank at the thought of becoming a stranger to him. But wouldn’t that be true for them all? Everyone who went to sleep?

“What about Emori, of Luna. You know they need you to be there for them too. I’m not worth giving up time for John.” Hearing him use the Nick name he himself gave to me, made something in my stomach twist.

“I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t feel is correct. I just….” Tugging at the ponytail on my head. “I just need you to understand the meaning of staying awake. Of the responsibilities on your shoulders, what if something goes wrong ? What if you and I mess up and fight, and you never want to see me again?” the fact came as I said it. If he came to ask me to put him to sleep. I would do it for him. No questions asked.

•— John —•

I wasn’t sure #Luna would be willing to let herself be put under… #Emori? Maybe. She was a survivor. But she might just choose family after the regrets of choosing the leave the island.

“I don’t know for sure what they will want when the time comes.” I admitted. “But I know what I want. And it not just because if terrified of those tiny little coffin….” I shuddered. Then, I can out and said it. “I want to be where you are… I want to work on all my shit…” I rubbed at the side of my head. “And be the person I thought I was becoming on the  island, before we back down there. I see him more clearly when you’re around.” Then I chuckled.

“But if you think we’ll last 5 years without a fight? You’re delusional. But…” I closed some of the space she made between us. “There’s no world where I never wanna see you. You are a lot of… fun…” I quirked a brow. “… to look at.”

•— Raven —•

My heart in my chest did something, as did my stomach. Because he wanted to be with me. He was picking something no one had done since….. pushing that thought away before I needed to think it to the end. Rolling my eyes, which I was certain he couldn’t see. I slapped him up the side of his head.

“And you were doing so well there, Watcher. Had me thinking you were all feels… but then you’re a teasing little shit.” However, I closed the rest of the space hugging him. Hiding my face from him. “You’re an arse.” Then curious to ask.

“This isn’t because of the island and boat thing. You are going for a long nap isn’t the same thing… and we are over that misstep in our friendship John.”

•— John —•

I laughed; I knew I had broken her tension. I rubbed my head where she slapped me... not because it hurt. She hadn't laid a hand on me to cause me pain since the night she split my lip, and subsequently promised to never hurt me again.

 Then she hugged me, and I was frozen. I hugged her back after two heartbeats. She smelled like she always did, like machine oil and sparks... like home.

"No, it's not about that, it's about this." I squeezed her "It's about family..." Maybe the other would choose this too? I thought to myself. "I think this is how I heal, Stargazer. On the island, there were... less people. People I learned to trust. Maybe whatever crew stay awake... I can learn to trust too. But I need you... to call me on my bullshit and remind me to do better. And I really, really... need to know you're alive."

•— Raven —•

Something tightened in my chest. His letter flashed before my eyes where he asked me to stay alive.

Shaking my head, I pulled back and mustered up the courage to smile. “Okay. So It’s for our small dysfunctional family. This I can get myself behind.”

Still hoping he wouldn’t ever end up regretting making this choice. “And if you are mad at me, the ships big enough for you to never have to see me.” Squeezing his shoulders.

“Okay. So.” Looking around “Brains of the Universe. What are we going to do for a little fun for the kids?”

•— John —•

I smiled, still holding onto her... and wondering how long was too long.

"Yeah, that... and maybe more selfishly for myself. I think this is my chance to... get my head on straight." I put a small amount of distance between us, enough to see her face "#Luna has already agreed that the next time we fight she will lock us in a room until it's fixed or there's only a single survivor."

I let go of her when she reverted to her plan for the kids. "I think the first thing to do is maybe teach them what not to do.... like accidentally opening an airlock."

•— Raven —•

His eyes, those deep-sea blue eyes. They ones I’d seen so much in has lost some of their brightness, however I was determined to bring it back.

“As long as it is my cabin, or work space we will be fine. You know I’m all about the multi-tasking when I’m angry.”

Breaking a hug  wasn’t how I did things. I licked to give the other person the time they needed before pulling away. But the sliding sound of door behind us caught my attention.

‘Hello you two. What do we owe the pleasure too?’ #Harper stood there what a child on her finger and a smirk.

•— John —•

“Hell no!!” I laughed. “Neutral ground… you already have an advantage… I’m not adding all your tools into that as well." The door opened too soon, Raven was doing that thing where she was watching my eyes and that, of course, meant was staring.

Then Harper was there, and my  face burned like a child caught sneaking out during their station's sleep cycle.

I cleared my throat. "Um..." I looked at Raven. "We thought we have the world's greatest and possibly only mechanic... Give the kids a crash course in how this place works."

•— Raven —•

“Hey! I’m not doing it all by myself!” Smacking him up the side of his head before letting go to turn and face #Harper.

Her eyes lingered on John and then me, and back again. “Harper? What do you think?” Clicking my fingers to gain her attention.

‘Oh. Yeah. A field trip should good. We should plan it out first right? Make sure the place is safe for the little ones?’ Pointing to the young one on her finger.

“Between all four of us, and I’m sure we could ask others to help next time too, we should mange it. What do you think Watcher?”

•— John —•

“Really? What do you have against my hair?” I teased dragging my fingers through it. “I mean it’s kids how hard can it be?” #Harper’s eyebrow quirked. I figured that meant very.

‘They are good kids. But they hardly speak any English…’ Harper explained.

“Consider me your  trusty translator.” She gave me another look. “I might not be as good as #Clarke but I can speak Trig.” I told her.

‘Oh I know that… but… how do I know you won't fill their heads with mischief? Because I hardly speak any’

I smirked. “I’ll make that easy too. I absolutely  will fill their heads with mischief.”

I walked into the room, recognizing many of the kids. “Yungon Kru!” (young one clan) I called to them. “Gada raun hir.” (gather around) I held out my arms like a Shepherd herding his flock and they gathered. Sitting in the floor around  me. They were fascinated by a Skaikru speaking their language. “Finally.” I sighed, smiling at the two women. “The respect I deserve.”

Harper muttered something, grinning.

•— Raven —•

‘Of course, he is at home with the children.’ #Harper muttered to me as the two of us stood beside one another watching John take centre stage for his first performance on the ship.

“Don’t knock the free help here, he is giving you a break from the madness.” She was smiling and shrugged her shoulders.

‘You know Rey, I’ve trained to be a perfect marksperson. They put a gun in my hand, and I took to it. But this.’ Lifting her chin towards the kids. ‘This gives me peace… you know?’ And I did. I understood what she must feel. “Maybe this is why I keep looking for ways to help these children? To make up for some of the bad I’ve done on their world.”

We both were smiling now. Watching from the sideline, Harper proud of the kids, and me proud of the Watcher.

•— John —•

I spotted #Dela in the group and grinned, looking over to see if Raven had seen her yet. She was looking good. Her eyes were still dark and her skin a little pale, but she seemed to have as much energy as all the other kids.

Rey was talking quietly with Harper.

I explained in Trig to the children that we were going to take a little walk around the ship and stopped…#Dela was Trishanakru… they had led the anti-tek attacks in Polis.

I walked back to the two women. “#McIntyre… do you know how many of these kids are Trishanakru?”

I couldn't  help but worry. Dela’s father had been kind to me when I helped his daughter. Would we start a conflict with them teaching this to the children?

•— Raven —•

#Harper and I both turned to face John at the same time. 

‘Trishanakru.. Uhm… yeah, we have six in the room right now. The others aren’t really allowed to come yet. Luna is working on it.’

She turned her attention to the room point them out as she spoke. ‘We have Dela….’ I could hear another word. My eyes found the little girl who I had carried onto this ship. Her smile found me, and she came running over. Opening my arms for her I held on to her for dear life. She was my saving, Grace. The one thing I had gotten right in so long. She was still a little pale, weak, however full of life.

Emotions filled my with a lump in my throat, tightening in my chest. But I knew. They were of the good kind.

When I asked her how she was, the girl began to tear up.

‘I…I.. kiss you?’ I stood stunned. ‘Miss…’ #Harper corrected. ‘I missed you.’ She smiled at #Dela. The girl nodded her head, saying again slowly to ensure it was correct.

I beamed with pride. “Yu dig mou snap.” (You learnt fast). Combing her hair off her face. “I missed you too.” Smiling I remembered Johns question. “Why are you asking about Dela’s kru?”

•— John —•

I counted the number of kids in the room… six from TrishanaKru… that was likely a majority… but that made no sense. With clothes being shared, especially for the children (the prison uniforms weren’t an option) and with every tribe came in all colours and shapes (even if a  few did have a clear majority of skin colour.) The girls all were too young to need to cover their hair if they were Sangedakru and they were all too young to have any tribal markings or identifying tattoos.

“Six…” I muttered. “That makes no sense.”

I chuckled at #Dela’s mixed-up words… but she was learning. “You have a fan, Stargazer.” I said to Raven quietly.

Then I stepped closer to the girls, sticking to English now. “#Illian was Trishanakru and he led all of the Tek raids in Polis after the City of Light fell… they are or at least, were… anti-tek… but up here… #Dela’s father is the elder… an if he has encouraged parents to send the kids here…. Maybe…” I trailed off… trying to figure this out. “We don’t want to cross any lines and hurt the chance of the Clan working with us.”

I got down to #Dela’s level. “Chit don yu Nontu tell yu op hasta komb’ir raun hir?” (What did your father tell you about coming here.)

#Dela looked a little nervous. “En’s ku, Dela. Osir jos gaf gon tich yo hasta…” (it’s okay, Dela. We just want to) Shit! There was no Trigedasleng word  for spaceship…. I looked up at the others… Raven learned her Trig from me and #Luna. I wished the Zen Master was here.

‘Skaidon?’ #Dela provided. ‘Luna Kom Flokru tag on….’ She motioned all around us with large movements. ‘Skaidon-de’ (Skyboat? Luna of the Boat People  calls this the sky boat.)

I told her; Yes, we want to teach the children about the sky boat. And she explained to me that her father told her to learn everything Skaikru taught them because they knew more about our new home.

Then I came back to the two women again. “Dela said Delano told them all to learn anything we can teach them. I think he’s more open-minded than the previous leadership. I think we should do it.”

•— Raven —•

“I’m a bloody rockstar. You are the only one who doesn’t drop at my feet, Watcher.” #Harper coughed to hide her laughter at the two of us.

My own attention moved to the small girl and how she looked while speaking with John. I could pick up the gist of the conversation, however felt a little lost too.

“Delano? Why would he stop us?”

#Delano, #Dela’s had been a kind man. Someone is spoken to a few times now. He was thrust into a position of leadership for his people who had followed him and his wife onto the carrier that day of evacuation. #Dela’s mother had pleaded for help, her daughter lay dying in their - arms. Just the reminder of the day made my stomach churn.

#Dela slipped her small hand into mine and I didn’t hesitate to close my fingers around it. If she needed my touch right now. I would give it. “Delano is a kind man, and he’s seen what we can do to help his people.” Smiling down at the girl. “He came to the med bay and stayed by his daughters side. He was watching, learning, and listening. I can’t see anything wrong with the child’s learning about where they are living now.”

The way #Harper glanced around the room and then to John told me I was romanticising my outlook at little?

‘I don’t know guys, John’s making a good point. What if we take it in small groups? Leave the TrishanaKru children until Luna is back?’

“Also, not a bad thing I guess.” My attention was back on John again. “Why did you say this didn’t make any sense? Before. When Harper told you there are six kids here?”

•— John —•

“I know… But under #Delano’s leadership, the Clan are opening up a little more.” I said to her. I couldn’t help but be stunned that #Harper was taking me seriously. That wasn’t anything against #Harper, she and I never had any real issues. In lock-up, I may have made a few  inappropriate comments to her… playing up to the crowd, but she never seemed to hold it against me. It was simply the fact that anyone was taking me seriously… #Emori had been the first and then Raven and #Luna… I thought that #DrGriffin had started to as well… but I had  just been the most convenient person for the job she needed done.

“I feed all of these people… I know exactly how many children are on this ship… there are thirteen clans. Trishanakru has nine minors… three are teenagers. So essentially all their kids are here. Maths  isn’t my strong suit but based on the number of kids in the room… it’s a huge majority. It’s like the clan has made a complete U-turn in their opinions of Skaikru.”

•— Raven —•

#Harper’s eyes were on me; I could feel them so when I met them it wasn’t a surprise to see the shock. All I could do was shrug my shoulders to say, ‘Yeah, it’s him… John Murphy… stepping up and taking notice.’

We turned our attention back to him, well… #Harper did, mine  moved to the room and the children.

“But are they really?” Lifting my chin to the room. “There isn’t much tech in here. It’s not even a real class room.” I’d been here a few times now, helping #Luna and #Harper when I could. Being around the hustle and bustle of the youngsters gave me a sense of purpose and peace.

“Luna tells then stories, she’s kinda good at it, and Harper here plays with them. Teaching them some of our language and learning theirs.” I could feel her nodding. ‘Luna and I gather things from around the ship we feel could be of help to them. So, they aren’t completely lost. However, we don’t force them to go against their clans in any way. It’s kinda one of the main reasons some of the children aren’t allowed to come. Luna says we need to build trust, not betray it.’ #Dela let go of my hand and run off to play with some of her friends, making my heart dance. “But I see where John is coming from. Six out nine children… that’s a high percentage.”

#Harper shifts towards John. ‘What am I missing. I still don’t understand why it’s worrying. Isn’t that a good thing?’

•— John —•

I looked around the room again. Okay, so they have a point… there's not a lot of technology in here. Would a prison ship have a classroom? Should I ask or was that a stupid question? No… it was definitely a stupid question.

I smiled at the mention of #Luna’s storytelling. “I mean… not much else to do on an oil rig in the middle of the ocean.” I chuckled fondly.

“You’re right… it is a good thing… I think.” I dragged my hand through my hair. Now my mind was racing with so many other thoughts now. My distrustful nature was sneaking back in. #Delano is a good man… isn’t he? I had thought the same about #Bellamy once and he hung me…

“No… Yeah… It’s a good thing. Hopefully, the rest of the clans will follow suit.” I said. “Okay… come on. Let’s do this thing. See what happens.”

•— Raven —•

#Harper and I exchanged looks once again. I knew him was clearly holding something back. And I could see from the look #Harper gave she thought the same. The question was should I push him to just say what he was thinking, or do I wait for him to feel comfortable enough to say  it by himself?

This friendship had just come back to some form of stability, and I was ashamed to admit to myself I didn’t want to rock the boat.

Telling myself John would tell me if he felt it was important. But then a part of me wanted him to just say whatever  was on his mind. Not to hold back. And I knew it would take time.

‘What are we doing? This was your brain wave.’ #Harper questions.

“We were thinking it would be a good idea to show the children the rest of the ship. Where they can go, where not to go because of danger.

You know safety measures.” I told her, still stealing gazes at John.

•— John —•

I saw the way Raven glanced at #Harper… Could she see the anxiety underlying my thoughts? I could tell her later without Harper and several sets of ears listening in. Damn… Was I so paranoid that I thought one or more of these children were faking not speaking  Gonasleng? Fuck!

No… #Delano is a good guy.

Right?

“Why don’t we take a walk and then anything you guys think is relevant we can stop and explain?” I looked between the two women… kids and lessons weren’t exactly my strong suit… but at least for this lone afternoon I was useful, I could translate.

It might only be for a few hours but feeling useful again… felt good.

•— Raven —•

“Let’s do this.” Rubbing my hands together with a smile.

“Right, who’s up for an adventure?” I asked in trig, and got it so wrong that;

1) the kids looked at me confused.

2) they whispered to one another. And 3) they slowly burst out in laughter. However, it didn’t cause me embarrassment nor that  uncomfortable feeling. I just laughter with them too.

“Opps…” loud whispering to John. “What in hells did I just say to them?”

#Harper began gathering the youngest of the children, guiding them toward the door however not opening it just yet. Finding myself watching her I couldn’t help but wonder how life would have been for her if choices were allowed and circumstance hadn’t changed her path.

“You’re so good with them Harper. And they really like you. I can tell.”

•— John —•

I chuckled a little at the mispronunciation. “You just ask if they wanted to get cooked.” I pinched my brows and tried to control my expression from teasing her. “Wom op… is to cook. And wona of is adventure or…” I tilted my head because as far as I knew there  wasn’t actually a Trig word for adventure. “Exploring. But you were close… on pronunciation at least.” I reached out and touched her arm, without thinking… like it was the most normal thing in the world to do.

It should have been hard to reconcile the expert marksman that  was #HarperMcIntyre with the Harper McIntyre in front of me now. Making children who could barely understand her smile, laugh, and follow instructions… But it wasn’t, it seemed like the perfect fit for her. I repeated what Raven had tried to say, in Trig, and the kids all looked up at us excitedly. I leaned into Raven and whispered because I didn’t want to steal #Harper’s thunder.

“Hey, looks like I’m pretty good at this too.” I smirked.

•— Raven —•

“I know you are, who knows… maybe you’ve found another calling without expecting too?” The way these kids reacted to both these people had to be astounding. #Harper and John? Children whispers? Who would have thought, not me that’s who!

#Harper asked me to stand at the door, for John to stand in the middle about foot feet away from me, and she took the back with the last two kids.

Telling them to stay in the line, to hold the hands of their, ‘Buddy’ and to look after on another.

“Damn Harper, is it wrong that I’m a little turned on by the school teacher thing happening here?” Waggling my eyebrows, I shook my shoulders trying to tease her. And it worked, her cheeks and ears turned a Beet red making me laugh so hard.

“Okay Crew, you are the young officers of this ship, and it is your responsibility  to know and understand how to keep safe and look after those who cannot help themselves. So, let’s go and see what we can find!”

Opening the door, I turned to smile at John. “Hey Watcher, do you want to take the lead in exposing and explaining it all? My trig is No-way as good as yours.”

•— John —•

I laughed so hard I snorted. “Nope!” I shook my head vehemently. “Rare occasions like this are fine… but when it comes to kids; I’m a small doses kinda guy.” I shuddered remembering the few days I was forced to spend in the care centre after my mother died.

“Damn, Reyes… who  knew you were into blondes.” I chuckled.

I translated everything Raven said as best I could… taking up the position that #Harper asked me to as we filed out the door. I looked at Raven when she asked me to take the lead. “Um…” I looked at the kids and then around the ship… I had no idea how any of this stuff worked beyond the most basic function.

“I wouldn’t even know what was worth pointing out or not… How about you point, I translate… and if I think there’s anything else worth telling them about you can help tell me how it works?” I  raised a brow. “You know… teamwork and all?”

•— Raven —•

Rolling my eyes, “if only you knew all my kinks Watcher.” A mischievous grin on my face.

‘Rey! Children! John Do Not Translate that for them.’ #Harper shook her head and still smiled with a blush creeping up her cheeks.

“Okay… okay… we can do this. Team work.” Team works my arse… I knew where my strengths lay, and giving kid a tour wasn’t up in that list.

I was the nerd, the overachiever who thrived on knowing the consequences of all the action I planned to take. But this one? Well, it’s becoming clear I didn’t think it through at all.

Taking my jacket off, I wrapped it around my waist. Pulled and tugging at my braid trying to cool off my neck.

“Okay. Let’s head starboard, we can go to see the main deck. The main deck is where we pilot this ship from. Even if we are standing still right now. However, you can see the views of the stars from there.”

Walking ahead I felt a small hand lacing its way into mine. #Dela smiled up at me and I squeezed her to reassure both of us.

•— John —•

I help my hands out to #Harper in an 𝕆𝕙 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 gesture. “Oh, c’mon! Even I’m not that stupid.” I rolled my eyes and smirked. “Like I would air her kinks so openly when I could save them for use as blackmail later.” I laughed. #Harper gave me a look like she would wallop  me if she was close enough… even with the prying eyes of all the kids here.

Raven said starboard… I wasn’t unfamiliar with the word. I knew it meant a side of the ship… port and starboard, left and right… but which one was which? Was there a Trig word for starboard? My mind boggled while I tried to figure out if it was left or right. A cough came from behind me as we all followed Raven like little ducks in a row. I heard a cough from behind me that sounded like the word “Right.” I flashed #Harper an appreciative smile over my  shoulder.

“Rasad.”(Right) I said out loud… but then stopped and translated the whole sentence Rey had said. I shrugged at her. “I don’t know ship words.” I chuckled but I made a note to ask #Luna later. #Emori might know either; she knew her way around a vessel… but not  like The Zen Master did.

•— Raven —•

“Personal note, punch him in the arm. Just for the fun of it and payback.” Of course, I wouldn’t. The promise I made him and myself never to hit him again wouldn’t allow me, (not even as a joke.)

Listening to John translate, I felt a little impressed at him and myself. Who knew we could be a good team when it came to talking to the young ones.

“Crap, sorry. I didn’t mean to make you use your two brain cells. I’ll keep it simple from here.” Pointing to the corridor, coming up to our right. “We will be going right here. However, if you look ahead.” Pointing to the closed doors. “This is where the security room on this floor is situated. If you ever feel unsafe, or need help, or are lost, there will always be someone in there who will be willing to assist you.” As I say the words, the doors slide open to reveal #Nate and #Jasper coming out.

‘Hey… what’s going on here?’ #Jasper asked in a singsong voice. ‘Is there a party we didn’t get an invite to?’ Winking at the kids. The youngest of the group holding #Harper’s hand hid behind her. All we could see were green eyes from behind Harper’s leg.

‘There you go scaring that little ones, Jordan.’ #Nate rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t worry, he scares me too.’ He bent down and smiled at the kids.

•— John —•

I rolled my eyes at her. “Hey, you’re the one in need of my mad skills! Sorry if my brain cells are full because I learned an entire language in the span of a few months.” I rubbed it in.

“Dison hir bilaik faswogeda-de.” (This is the security room.) I translated for her… then  continued with everything else she said.

I moved to the back of the line while one of the boys at the front traced the Ark logo on #Nathan’s shoulder. I asked the little girl hiding behind #Harper.

‘Gona.’ (Soldier) She whispered, pointing at the guys.

“Nou.” (No) I told  her, offering her my hand. “Emo… Bloka. Chilkepa. Emo kep oso klir.” (They are Guards. Peacekeepers. They keep all of us safe.)

The girl finally took my hand and came with me to the front of the line. “Naithon… Jaspa…”

‘Bloka?’ She looked at me and I nodded. Then she  touched Nathan’s shoulder too. ‘Kep oso klir.’

‘What did you tell her?’ #Nate asked.

“She thought you were a soldier… Gona… I told her you were a Guard or a Peacekeeper.” I wasn’t really sure that he would like that, but we need these kids to know that we weren’t their enemy, or their jailers.

#Jasper grinned. ‘Clever.’

“Not just a pretty face.” I grinned at him. Then I turned to all the kids and asked them in trig to repeat the words after me in English. Guard and Security Room.

•— Raven —•

Both #Harper and I found ourselves witnessing a gentle side to the boys. We hadn’t had the opportunity or the chance to need it before. However, when push came to shove here, they were.

#Jasper moved into the fray of things, showing the kids how to juggle pens! “Jas, you will have one of their eyes out with those things flying in the air!”

‘Nope, it’s all in the skill of my fingers.’ He wiggled them in the face of a child making then laugh. Causing me to roll my eyes and laugh all at once. “If you harm one of them, you’ll have to answer to Luna.” This made him stop.

‘Party pooper, Rey.’

‘Okay, okay.’ Clapping her hands to gain the attention of everyone. #Harper pointed to the corridor on the right. ‘We should keep moving, less questions that way.’ “Good point, well made.”

Thanking #Nate and #Jasper, because of them all the children seemed more relaxed.

•— John —•

I was preoccupied with the kids and #Jasper’s show. But I still noticed the attention the girls paid to us and not just the kids. She gave me that nickname for a reason after all. But Rey was smiling, I never knew she liked kids so much… then again, maybe she didn’t either.

Children were rare on the Ark, most of us were only around kids when we actually were kids.

The kids seemed to understand the request to move on easily. “They really are picking up on English fast.” I said the Harper and Raven as they led the way. I chuckled thinking of the Skaikru members that refused to make any effort to learn Trigedasleng. A superiority complex was the real enemy of survival.

“Where next captain?” I asked Raven at the head of the line of chattering children. It was strange that she was so relaxed working with a large of children around a century-old spaceship.

•— Raven —•

“Captain? Are you trying to promote me without a hint of negotiation, John Murphy?” Pointing ahead. “Let’s go this way.”

This wasn’t on my list of things to do today, but it wasn’t selfless. These children needed out, to feel some freedom, they weren’t made to be locked away unlike us. We knew what it meant to be confined. We did it without a question (well mostly. Maybe. Okay fine. We were bad at it too. However, not the point I was making to myself!)

Great! Now I was fighting with myself internally!

‘Are you okay Ray?’ #Harper called from the back. When I turned to see all those eyes on me.

“All good here. I’m still thinking we head to the main deck; the bridge is where we flight this ship from, the windows—” cutting off mid thought.

“Shit!” Shaking my head. “Don’t translate that, John!” Keeping my  voice even. “I didn’t think this through.” Shit… shit… shit….

 “Air locks… let’s go to the lower decks, show the children the works of this place, I’ve been working on the transport ship.” How could I be so single minded! Foolish!

•— John —•

I laughed. “The last thing you need is an ego boost like that. And I think our fine Lieutenant…” The word was filled with sarcasm. “Would be very put out by that.”

I stopped when Rey mentioned the main deck… Wouldn’t we need permission for that? I knew Raven could come and  go as she pleased, but surely it was off-limits. It was probably a great thing to show the kids though, but maybe we could see if it was something we could do another day.

Raven was kind of freaking out… my brow pinched as I watched her. But I didn’t want to ask her what was wrong in front of #Harper and the kids. “Okay… I won’t…” I assured her.

“Airlocks it is…” I kept my eyes on her. There was always a constant sense of unease when I didn’t know if she was okay or not. I told the kids to follow her and looked for an opportunity to ask her what was going on inside that head of hers.

•— Raven —•

Now my mind flew through this plan we came up with. I came up with. Was it really a good idea? Should we be walking these around a ship that wasn’t even ours?

Then again, seeing the change in the children after seeing Nate and Jasper it was worth it. So, this was right. I needed to stop second guessing myself.

“Okay… I know it’s not much to look at but trust me when I say that this ship is full of exciting surprises that are beautiful. Pressing a code into the security doors for them to open. “These doors are in place to keep each part of the ship safe in case of an emergency.” Tapping the heavy doors as I walked by.

‘Rey, we need to work on your idea of what is an exciting surprise for a child.’ #Harper called out from the back.

“What do you mean? This is good stuff I’m showing.” Okay, maybe I needed to work on how to make others as excited about these things?

Feeling a tug on my hand my hazel eyes dropped to the small boy. Leaning down when he motioned, he whispered in my ear in trig. I’d picked up enough to know he needed a bathroom.

“We are going to make a small detour.” There was a small officer den ahead of us.

Once at the door, I pushed in the Mater code waiting as the doors slid apart. “Bathroom break, if anyone wants to go, come on in.” Walking the boy in, he stopped outside the door of the bathroom hopping from foot to foot, however he wouldn’t go in.

“It’s okay. It is safe in there.” I told him. Opening the door to show him.

•— John —•

The kids were distracted, looking around at the ship. I heard one of them ask why there weren’t any trees or grass. I was about to translate the question for Raven when #Harper spoke. “I mean… Sure they need to have fun.” I interjected. “But the kids  need to learn that they should steer clear of the airlocks too.”

#Harper seemed to pause for a moment. “It was different for us… we grew up around this stuff. These kids have no clue that stepping out into space can --- “ I made the universal Kill you motion.

‘You have a point.’ She admitted.

“Let’s let Raven do the nerd stuff and you and I figure out how to make it fun.” I said to her, and she nodded.

We detoured to the bathroom, and I was not about to take a bunch of little kids to do their business. “I’ll wait out here with the others.” I offered quickly before they could ask me to take the kids in there.

•— Raven —•

‘Oh, so you’ll help just not with the hard stuff, huh?’ I could hear #Harper teasing John before she came inside to join me as the children with me too turned to visit the restroom.

‘It’s so nice to see them happily using the bathrooms now. It’s took Luna a lot of exampling  for them to stop thinking they would be endangered if they say on them.’

She elbowed my side to gain my attention. ‘Hey, are you okay?’ Lifting her chin to the door. ‘Out there before, you seem to have been…’ she didn’t need to say it, I knew what she meant.

“Yeah, not my finest hour.” Shaking my head stepping back to lean on the walk to take some of the pressure off myself. “I was thinking of taking them to see the views and experience the flight deck.”

‘Yeah, I know. I wasn’t there when we made the plan.’ She looked confused.

“Harper… the flight deck... it had a front row seat of their home… earth… which is being consumed and ravished by Praimfaya right now. I don’t want them seeing that… witnessing the end of the only home they know. That’s…” I shook my head.

‘Oh… shit…’ she whispered. And I nodded my head.

“I’m an idiot… what the hells was I thinking!”

•— John —•

I winked at #Harper. “You may be a sharp shooter #Harper but you aren’t quick enough on the draw!” I teased.

The girls disappeared into the bathroom with a few of the kids and in the meantime… I was left alone in the hallway with most of them. The kids asked me questions about Raven. I explained her job to them in Trig as best as I could until one of the children asked me where Skaikru’s children were.

I squatted down to their level and explained to them our clan only had one small child… the rest were older. They had a whole lot of  questions about it. But I didn’t think that explaining to them that, most of them died in the sections on the ark that burned up when it crashed to earth or in the sections that didn’t land right. So I told them that living in space means you have limited space and food; so people were only allowed to have one child.

Then I asked them who had brothers or sisters. Some of them raised their hands and I knew by the looks on their faces that their sibling probably hadn’t been in Polis when they evacuated. It was unlikely that many of the siblings made it on board unless they were soldiers. Or one of the babies.

Then I explained to them that no one in Skaikru had brothers or sisters… other than the new Heda Okteivia… while I knocked on the door for the girls to hurry up.

•— Raven —•

#Harper and I stood in silence as we listened to John, a lot of what he said had been missed. However, the parts I could understand made it clear what the children were asking.

I told #Harper in a low voice what the topic of discussion was with a solemn look on my features, which she mirrored.

‘They haven’t asked me about this, unless Luna explained it, maybe?’

I shrugged my shoulders, “John speaks their language, they are relaxed now and maybe feel a connection?”

She scoffed. ‘We all know, John is a big kid.’ And I knew she said it to  Lighten the heaviness in the room, however I shook my head.

“You know, Harper… in Becca’s time… you and I would have been classed as young ones too.”

With the last of the children washing their hands as #Harper has taught them; we heard the knock on the door from John. Opening it I smile. “You know better than to rush someone who needs to go, Watcher.”

Letting everyone out, and back into their line we began to walk towards the elevators. “Could you let them all know we are going to in this, and that it’s safe. I’ve tested them all now, so if they want to use them. They can around the ship?” I asked John.

•— John —•

I couldn’t hear much with the kids still asking questions and speaking to each other. I grinned up at her when she opened the door. “The questions were about to get really awkward out here.” I chuckled. “I needed the backup.”

I followed her to the elevator, and I started to  explain it to them in Trig. “Disha hir Tagon Vieda.” (this is called an Elevator) Then I repeated the word in English, asking them all to say it. In trig again I told them, “This takes you up or down to all the different levels of the ship. One of the kids shouted out about  the lift in the Commander's tower that was raised and lowered by a pulley system and two men.

“He wants to know if it's like the one in the Tower in Polis… it's kind of famous.” I told the two women with me... Mostly #Harper. Raven’s trig was getting better by the day. I  told kids it was like that one, but this one was powered by machines, and it was very safe. I explained the button. “Gyon op.” For the up arrow and “Gyon daun.” For the down arrow. Then I exhaled.

“We might need to teach them how to recognise numbers, so they know if they need  go up or down.” I said but I was mostly talking to myself.

‘Can you teach me to count in Trig? And then I can teach them?’ #Harper asked me like it was a perfectly normal thing to ask. I looked at her a little shocked that she would ever think I could teach anyone anything. She cleared her throat a little awkwardly. ‘I mean… you and #Luna could teach them… but you both have other duties, so I just thought…’ She brushed her hair behind her ear, only there was nothing to brush back because her hair was braided tightly around her head. ‘Never  mind… Silly idea.’

Then I realised my expression was probably hard to read. “No… It’s not. In fact, it’s a good idea. I can definitely teach you and I’m sure Luna will help too when she can. It makes sense… you’re with these kids more than anyone. We should teach you the language.” I said, shifting my expression to a genuine one. #Clarke and #Kane had the best command of the language out of all of Skiakru but they were too busy to teach anyone anything. So, I didn’t see why #Luna and I couldn’t help. I was sure Emori would help too; she taught me most of what I knew.

•— Raven —•

New words for my trig vocabulary, my ears perked up while I pushed the code to keep the doors open for the elevator. The younger children at first felt a little dubious about the square box, while the older ones were excited, stepping on and off.

I could make out enough to know they spoke about the lift in the tower. I hadn’t seen it, because #Clark hadn’t let me on the missions taking place in those walls, I knew I’d slow them all down, so I didn’t push to go. I had other messes to clean up anyway.

When John confirmed my trail of thoughts I half smiled. “Okay. Come on young ones, it’s time to take a ride.”

It’s when I saw the exchange taking place between the other two ‘adults’ at the back. But I didn’t prying into their business. A few of the children joined me inside, some small one clanging onto #Harpers hands, and leg.

“Well, it’s going to be interesting to see how you move.” I told her.

‘John! It’s clear Rey isn’t going to help; please could you carry this little one and I’ll take the other.’ She handed the kid in her arms over to him. ‘Just go slow for them. This is all new for them all.’

“Why would I help?” Lifting my chin to all the children in the elevator with me. “Come on, we can’t go without you.”

•— John —•

A couple of the kids were still dubious of the lift; a few were clinging to #Harper for protection. I chuckled, Harper managed to waddle, shuffle, and drag her way into the lift with all bars two of the kids. I crouched to their level and asked them in trig if it was okay if I carried them into the Elevator. The boy pushed out his bottom lip and said he was afraid to go into the wall. The boy was clever… it looked like a wall before the doors opened. Especially if you had never seen one before.

“En’s nou wo… en’s…” I couldn’t call it a room  really. “Vieda…” (It's not a wall, it’s… an elevator.) I explained.

I looked at Raven. “Close the door for a second, don’t go anywhere… just show them it opens again.” I had the kids watch as the door opened again. Their expressions relaxed a little more when the children  reappeared. “Kom op?” (Coming up?)  I asked the kids again and they let me pick them up and carry them into the lift. One on each hip… The taller child made my gait a little lopsided. #Harper was grinning at me.

“What?” I asked with pinched brows.

‘You’re kind of a sweetheart, John Murphy.’ She smirked.

“What? Ho—Wh—Where did you get that idea?” My face heated. Sweetheart? Ew… Me? Never!

‘You could have just picked them up whether they liked it or not, but you asked. That was sweet!” She smirked.

•— Raven —•

#Harper saw in John what #Luna and I knew for a while now. His attitude towards those who need his help had always been well hidden in plain sight.

He has been the same with me, to the point that I had punched him in his face, and in response he’d asked if I’d felt better. “He wouldn’t do that.” I answered for John. “He believes in giving the choice, and then follow even if he disagrees with the outcome.” Somewhat true, even if there were times when he hadn’t given me the option. But then again, my mind had been melting before his eyes.

So, he could be forgiven.

My attention moved towards #Dela as the elevator began, its descent. She whispered to those who were beside her to trust the three of us in trig. She then curled her small hand into mine smiling up at me. This did something to me. My heart fluttered with a warming feeling; one I hadn’t felt for a long while.

The bell like sound indicated we had arrived on the correct floor, frightening some of the passengers in the small box. “It’s okay… it’s an important sound. This sound tells us we have arrived on our chosen floor.” Pointing to the light above the door as they slide open right then.

•— John —•

I smiled at Raven... She was wrong. She was right too… In this case, getting these kids into an elevator wasn’t life and death. I looked at Raven in the distorted reflection of the lift doors. I had done it to her though… violated her trust and her personal space, drugged  her… restrained her… all because I was trying to keep her alive, but I did it nonetheless. And somewhere deep inside I knew I would do it again, if I had to, if it would save her.

I wasn’t sure what that said about me.

The kid on my left… the smaller boy; flinched at  the ping the lift made when the lift stopped and clung to me while I was distracted by watching Dela and Rey… the pair had clearly developed a bond, and I wondered if the child understood it was Raven’s actions that had made sure she’d gotten on this ship before the Death Wave took Polis. She had been so sick… and I had been trapped in the quarantined area because I was too sick from exposure too.

Tiny arms locked around my neck, and I got a face full of dark curls. “It’s okay kid…” On instinct, I spoke English. But this child was probably  no more than three or four years old and normally only warriors learned English. He’d probably only heard the language here on the ship. I remembered how afraid I had been in the prison camp the first time I heard Trig… having no idea what they were saying unless they were interrogating me. So I comforted him in Trig but I had no free hands to offer any other kind of comfort.

The other child reached across and patted his back, telling him to be brave. The other boy's skin was deep, rich brown compared to the younger boy’s light freckled complexion… they likely weren’t even from the same village and here they were.. offering each other comfort.

When we stepped out of the lift, I stooped to let the boys down. The younger one tightened his grip around my neck. “Okay… Looks like you’re staying put.” The older  boy climbed down but stayed close.

‘Wow…’ Monty laughed, appearing from wherever he had been working. ‘That’s a new look on you John Murphy.’

“Hey… I have many talents…” I glanced at the kids. “Apparently.” Then I immediately turned to search for Rey and Dela.

•— Raven —•

‘There’s nothing wrong with having hidden talents when it comes to these little monsters.’ He growled laughing.

Because as soon as the doors opened, and the children saw #Monty they rushed out towards him. He had come down to his knees catching them, wrestling with a few of  the boys while the girls stayed waiting for John to disembark with the youngest one and then #Harper too.

‘Hi… They’ve missed your visited to the classroom.’ #Harper told him.

‘Hey.’ He smiled up at her. ‘Things have been crazy with the farm. I was on my way up now, but looks like you all have other plans?’

#Harper filled #Monty into why we were all coming down here, and the plan to show the children around the ship to help them adjust.

‘That’s a great idea, can I tag along? Another helping hand?’ He asked us all.

I smiled nodding my head down the corridor still stood in the elevator due to the commotion in the corridor before it. “Hells, yeah. More the merrier. And you can help with the nerdy stuff. I’m not exactly making this a fun trip.”  Laughing my eyes met Johns, frowning a little my brows lifted in a silent question. Asking if he was, okay?

•— John —•

I moved closer to Raven as the kids swarmed to #Monty and #Harper filled him in on the day's plans with the little ones. She’d seen that moment of darkness in the lift. Of course, she had. This was Raven… somewhere along the line, she’d learned to tune into my carefully guarded tells. I swayed to one side, brushing my shoulder against hers, giving her a small smile that said; I’m Fine, or… maybe, Later … Both? I couldn’t be sure myself. But if she wanted to know where I’d gone for that moment, I would tell her… later. Just her. The brush of my arm against hers was easier… not plagued with that feeling of invading her space, no dark whispers telling me I had no right to be that close to her. It was simple, natural… like it had been at home… in the mansion. After our breakthrough when I was a  friend not her unwanted nurse and before… before I destroyed us. But this was Raven Reyes; she’d never met a broken thing she couldn’t fix… and she had taken my hand. Taken it and held it while we slept.

So later… I could tell her. I was guilty of the things she said I  wouldn’t do… I was sorry I had done them to her, But I would do it again in a heartbeat… to save her.

“Where to next captain?” I stifled a grunt as the kid on my hips started swinging his legs to get let down to join his excited friends and narrowly missed kicking me in a  place I wanted very much not kicked! I set him down and he ran into the melee of tiny people.

•— Raven —•

My elbow nudged John right back, softly in reply, saying without speaking. ‘Okay… Later it is.’ Because I was done… I wasn’t going to let him walk alone. We were all going to be there to support one another from now on.

I heard the question and pointed up the  corridor with a smile. “To the room of Magic of course, the only place where anything can be fixed.”

Both #Harper and #Monty nodded their agreement, and #Dela tugged on my hand telling me to hurry. She wanted to be in the middle of all the mayhem.

Leaning down I smiled. “Go on ahead. I’ll be right behind you.” When I stood upright again, I saw her looking longingly towards the other children and then me. “Go on. Lead the way.”

When I glanced to my side, the shock of witnessing John’s near fatal accident made me wince. “Ouch… his foot was  way too close… Rather you than me.”

Tugging on my ponytail, setting off behind the others.

•— John —•

I smiled at her; she got it… she knew there were only a small circle of people I shared things with. I wasn’t one to spill my thoughts in front of anyone. But I could tell her. I watched the way she looked at #Dela… encouraging her to go and mingle with the other kids. I  wondered if it was hard for her. She had been in the med bay the longest of all the children. So, I wondered if had been hard for her to join this group after they’d begun making friends. It was something I had noticed in my short stay at the care centre… kids that age met someone and that same day they were best friends.

I chuckled at her… “Please you have laughed your arse off. The kid will understand that pain in about eight years.” I watched the kids again. “Do you think #Dela is adjusting to all of this?” I asked her as we walked towards  the place where the magic supposedly happened. “She looks… healthy… maybe a little skinny but that can be fixed over time…” And who knew how skinny she was before she came on board? “But she looks… happy? As happy as you could expect at least, right?”

•— Raven —•

“Hells yeah, I’m not even going to attempt to lie. I would have been rolling on the ground with tears coming out of my eyes…. Only after I asked if you were okay, of course.” Nudging him with my elbow with a cheeky smirk.

My gaze followed his to that beautiful little girl, who has been to hell and back. I saw past her healing scars. Some which she would have for the rest of her life, and some which would wither away with time.

Bearing witness to Singh before us with #Dela hovering around the children playing and teasing #Monty, he noticed her and brought her into the medley of madness.

“She is strong, with a willing to keep fighting. It’s a testament to her standing here today. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. But look at her… She will be fine.”

She was small for her age, or at least that was what #Abby  had said. Then again, we could see all the kids were the same. Some more so than others.

“Harper was saying… she wants to stuff them full before we place them into Cryo. And I get it. It will help them. You know… I wish we could keep them up a little longer…”

•— John —•

I shook my head at her. “Harsh, Reyes. Harsh.” But I knew she would… and she might not even laugh. At least, not until a few hours later. Seeing people in pain wasn’t something she coped with easily. I watched the kids again; the youngest boy who had almost kicked me was  weaving in and out of the crowd of them. I noticed #Harper watching him and #Dela even more closely.

I nodded, I understood where that was coming from. “I get it… I mean….” I dragged my hand through my hair. “When was the last time you saw this many children all together? At least of this age range… there weren’t even that many in the care centre.” I stopped abruptly… it probably wasn't the best time to talk about that… and it wasn’t like I was there for long. “But I do think it’s a good idea to save the rations we have for when we get back  to earth… even if we find good land to start out on… it will take time to get farms producing… If they go to sleep, they don’t need to learn about rationing… or hunger and thirst. It sounds like a good deal… if it wasn’t for the…” I stopped again. I didn’t dare speak negatively of the cryo chambers in case the kids heard.

I knew my anxiety behind them was illogical, but all the same, it was there, and it was real. Raven knew my fears and the other reasons I didn’t want to go to sleep. “Plus, the sooner people go to sleep the less chances  there are of tensions between the clans.”

•— Raven —•

Twice��. As we walked twice, he stopped from saying what he was thinking. Making me question the reason. Looking around, looking between the two of us, and the company we were in. I got it.

This hadn’t been the same as on the island. He wasn’t stopping because he didn’t want to share, it wasn’t the right time. Just like before I told myself he would tell me later. And I believed it too.

‘Rey!’ #Monty’s voice cut in before I could answer or question John anymore. ‘The door is locked. You need to punch the code in.’ Nodding my head, I allowed one last glance at John telling him we’d talk more later before slowly catching up to the others.

“Okay, are we really?” And children with excited and eager. I didn’t know how #Monty and #Harper had done this. I pushed into the code to my  workshop which was the same as my room code. And with a general hiss the doors slide open.

“Welcome to the overachievers workshop.”

#Harper laughed and picked me. ‘Rey, there nothing in here that could injure or kill a kid, right?’

At the question being asked, my mind began to wander around what I had open. “Oh hells. Uhm… give me one….” I was already, hopping, running and skipping to the far side of the room where the industrial cutters were laying out.

•— John —•

I knew how much she hated it when I held stuff back… especially now that we were back on track again. But I wasn't really holding back, there were kids everywhere and #Harper. #Monty now too… I would tell her… but when it was just her and I. I just hoped that she saw that promise in the smile I gave her, I didn’t want her to think there was still a wall between us. I translated for the kids, but they seemed to read Rey’s excitement about where we were heading.

I couldn’t but get excited at how excited she was. Maybe it was a little bit of the  kid's excitement too… maybe. When Harper asked the potential for injury in the room, I turned the kids and told them to wait in Trig then I distracted them when Raven hopped off to retrieve a wicked-looking tool that she’d left out… Shit… she must have been in a lot of pain if she didn’t put that back in its place when she last used it. I told the kids that this was the room where Raven and the other mechanics and engineers fixed things and made sure everything, we needed to make the ship run was working. They didn’t ask many questions… they’re  understanding of Tek was slim to none.

•— Raven —•

I never left things out of place; it was well known by everyone that;

1. They could borrow anything they needed, as long as they returned it.

2. I had a place for every tool. (Reason being if anyone did ask to use something. I could tell them where it was kept without needing to go to it.)

3. I always left my work space ready to go for the next time.

All of which had gone out the ship’s windows with the next to no sleep and working on empty. But now I’d had a good couple of night of sleep, which meant I had begun to feel like myself again.

Hens why this trip to show the children around felt right to do today.

“Okay…” closing the metal cages on the far end of the space I dusted my hands off. “All is safe and sound now. I’m happy for the children to walk around and look over anything.” Pointing to the windows out the back or the work space. “These windows are safe for them to see the stars; we are facing away from earth here.”

Leaning back against the metal cage. Taking some of the weight off my hip and leg, I crossed my arms smiling at them all.

•— John —•

I watched her hobble around the room, something in me ached just knowing she was in pain. The kids started to walk around looking at things but not touching unless they were told it was okay. Which is what I had translated for them. #Monty showed some of the more curious kids the tools and #Harper watched the others who were fascinated with the windows. I pushed over two work stools next to where Raven stood, off to the side.

I knew she wouldn’t like it if I drew attention to her pain, so I sat on one and held the spinning top of the stool steady  for her to sit without worrying about it slipping beneath her. I said nothing about her hurting. I would add that in later with the other things I hadn’t said today. I glanced around making sure the others were distracted.

“Hey.” I said softly. “Why did you axe the trip to  the bridge? It sounded like a great idea… the windows there are even….” I stopped.

She said that the windows here were safe. Shit! “Oh!” My eyes widened. “Damn….” Of course, she thought about that… about the trauma of seeing a whole planet ablaze. “Maybe we call ahead  another day… have them close the curtain.” I offered her a smile.

She’d made the right call; they didn’t need to see any of this. It was another reason they should go into cryo. They didn’t need to grow up here. The earth would heal, it would heal, and we could take them home and let them grow up in the real world not a tin can with water recycling and artificial atmosphere. With real sunlight and not UV therapy. With grass and weather and places to run.

•— Raven —•

I could feel my friend’s eyes on me. Of course, some part of me knew what John Murphy thought, saw, or even felt, when he witnesses to me moving. The boy knew me too well since our time on the island had been spent with #Abby making him my watchman and nurse. This is why I didn’t question or fight the fact he wanted me to sit down beside him.

Relief coursed through my muscles the moment the weight eased from my hip and leg. It had been making my back all tense and sore too.

My hazel eyes dulled with the lack of sleep, glanced all over the room, while John answered his own question.

“They deserve better than the nightmares we all grew up with. They all have family and friends who were left down there. I don’t want them witnessing the place which had been  their home, now becoming a death pyre for those who were left behind.”

Shaking my head, at my stupidity. “I hadn’t I thought the plan through. I should have foreseen it before mentioning it to them.” Rubbing my fingers over the bridge of my nose. “These children deserve a chance to make it out of this thing, without even more scarring.”

•— John —•

I smiled at her, but I knew that she would see the concern in my eyes… she never missed a thing. Even the relief on her face when she sat down wasn’t a comfort to me, all it meant was she’d been hurting… more than I could help with by offering her a seat.

I nodded. “You’re right. They don’t need that at all… But you could talk to Officer Shaw…” I neglected the rank I knew all too well he had. “Plan a day for them to visit and have them close the doors on the window? I still think they would have a good time seeing how things run.”

She was punishing herself again, it was a habit ingrained so deep in her that I didn’t think she would ever cut herself some slack. “All that matters is that you remembered before I had a chance to translate it.”

I watched the kids around the room… Monty was making whirring sounds and playing with a tool that clearly had its powerpack removed (for the safety of the kids, I figured) and handed it the some of the older kids and repeated a word I was pretty meant 𝕕𝕣𝕦𝕞𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕘. I laughed at the kid's confused faces as one of them started tapping a spanner she had been examining the leg of the table… like… well like it was a drum.

“I’m guessing that tool #Monty is showing them has nothing to with drumming… Right?”

•— Raven —•

I saw the way John’s gaze turned upon me. “Oh, stop it.” I rolled my eyes. “Don’t look at me like that.” I also wondered if he had it his way, would the ripper stick me to slow me down? Because he’s done it before, and for some crazy reason now it made me chuckle, even if I wanted to kill him at the time.

But now I was the one watching him. I knew full well what he was doing, however I still couldn’t understand why? What had passed between him and #Miles for this… rivalry?

“𝗟𝗶𝗲𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗮𝗻𝘁…” emphasising, his correct rank.   while knowing full well, John knew this too. “Miles Shaw would be happy to help. I just…. I should have put this plan past him too.” Moving my attention around the room and smiling when I saw #Harper.

“A little foresight and warning, and you’re right. The children would love seeing things from up there. Especially since they are so… engaged down here.” Nodding my head to #Harper and three of the young ones. Sat in the floor in a circle. In the middle lay a greasy engine part.

“They look more impressive by the greasy.” The. I turned my gaze back to John. “Drumming? What the h—” I heard it then, the sound of my tools hitting the leg of the tables, and work benches.  “Monty! What are you teaching them?”

•— John —•

“Stop what?” I asked nonchalantly. “If you want me to stop checking you out you have to stop checking me out first.” I teased her quietly. I just rolled my eyes at her correction. “Yeah, yeah.” I sighed. Then I laughed.

“Yeah, I noticed that… Grounder kids. They love… dirt!” I chuckled. “I remembered them jumping in puddles and digging in mud for no reason, in some of the villages I passed through. And the adults just acted like it was totally normal.”

More kids chimed in with the drumming and #Monty looked up at Raven with a little fear in his  eyes. ‘No idea.’ He admitted. ‘We might need a translator over here.’ He turned his eyes on me, pleading. I laughed and patted Rey’s braced knee once, gently.

“Okay, okay I’m coming.” I laughed, but I was smiling at Raven until I stepped off the stool and made my way to the  looked more confused than ever. “You’re going to have to show them how it works,” I told him, after I got them to stop drumming with #Harper’s help.

•— Raven —•

A scoff and the mother of all eye rolls were his gift. “You wish Watcher.” Waggling my eyebrows and giving a smirk.

Not really say anything else, just making a note to ask him about his travels. How had we not had this conversation? I wanted to see more of the planet we had begun to call home. However, we didn’t have time. Consequently, fighting to live, to survive, and to thrive had consequences. It was all consuming.

Sitting on the stole, speaking to the children who ran past me asking them to be care with a kind smile. My eyes focused on my three friends, watching how taking care of these small souls came so easily to them. Once again, I thought of how much had happened in so little time, how we had failed these young ones. How they wouldn’t play in puddles or in the dirt for years to come.

And my eyes stung.

Turning my face away, to blink those uncontrollably heavy feeling back until I could let them flow when alone. Now wasn’t the time. When my hazel glazed returned to the group, they were all sat on the ground with Monty showing them what to do (other than play the drums!)

•— John —•

I glanced over my shoulder after translating for #Monty. I could see she was lost in thought, but it almost looked like she was about to cry… it made my chest ache. Not in the way it did in the Brig… this was different…

#Monty passed out goggles to the kids closest to him and told us to keep the others back a little, while he drilled a hole into scrap metal to show them how it worked. They were fascinated by the sparks and how the tool whirred. But when I glanced behind me again to check on Rey, I caught sight of the littlest boy (the one that almost kicked me in the family jewels)… hands clamped over his ears but still looking like he wanted to be part of the action. I spotted a pair of ear protectors on a workbench… quickly looked up at Raven again, like she might have vanished in the last ten seconds. I smiled at her before I picked up the yellow headset, mimicked putting it on to show the boy how it worked, and then popped them on his ears. They looked ridiculously large on his tiny head. I chuckled and he whipped his head around at the change in what he could… or rather couldn’t hear.

Then he held his hands up to me, fingers opening and closing…. My brows lowered. I looked around for a little clarification. #Harper caught my gaze and imitated picking him up. I gave her a look over the noise in the room that asked 𝗠𝗲?

#Harper’s brows arched, and she planted one hand on her hip and returned a glare that had me instantly picking up the child and turning back to give Raven an eye roll… This woman was a whole lot tougher than I gave her credit for.

She was watching everything from her place on the stool… After #Monty was finished with the kids, and I was done playing translator I put the boy down. Or... I tried to… he made a keening sound and tucked up his legs, refusing to put them on the ground. “Okay, okay…. Message received.” I chuckled… doubting he understood. He made the same sound  when I tried to take the ear protectors off. When I looked at him it looked like he might fall asleep any minute.

So… keeping hold of him I made my way back to Raven. “Hey… Do you know if they are meant to sleep during the day at this age…” I hefted the boy higher on my  hip. “This one looks about ready for bed.” I want to ask her where her mind had gone just now… touch her… not in a creepy way just to offer comfort. But we add all of that to the growing list for later.

•— Raven —•

With my head back in the here and now, the rollercoaster of emotions had been hard to keep at bay this afternoon. I knew not sleeping well did this with me, it played with my head and heart. However, I’d had a good sleep finally last night, so I had no excuses. Witnessing the events before me I could help but let go of the sadness and embrace the view of #Harper and John.

#Monty had been lost in his little show and tell, but the other two were enough of a sideshow that I found myself chuckling to myself.

Wishing someone sat with me to see it all play out too. And maybe place a bet on if the little kid got the target of Johns Crown Jewels this time or not. But to my surprise, John made a friend?

The kid asked to be lifted, to be held and not to be set back down. What was this world coming to? “Why or how would I know? He looks pretty tired. Maybe we should have kept it to a short trip?”

#Haprer moved closer to us, and I asked her the same question.

‘Yes, the little ones do have a nap in the classroom. We have a few small  mattresses Luna found, and some  blankets, Miles brought us for them.’

She glanced at the youngest of the group. ‘Maybe we should head back. They will need some lunch soon too.’

Nodding my head, I held my hand up for #Monty to notice, making a sign to round it up. “Okay. I guess John is the little people whisperer now. He picked up on their needs.” Giving him a smile of gratitude.

•— John —•

Raven saw everything, I named her Stargazer because she was a dreamer and because the first time, we made a truly deep connection I caught her literally looking up at the stars. Then she told me the stories of the constellations. She was watching everything, and I hated that sometimes her pain kept her on the edge of things. I tried not to let it happen, but this was another moment that I had dropped the ball.

I nodded when she mentioned short trips. “Yeah… I guess with the kids being such a range of ages we need to think more about the little ones. I mean like Harper’s idea of teaching them numbers to use the lift.” I tipped my chin to the kid almost nodding off on my shoulder. “It's not like this kid will be riding elevators on his own anytime soon, you know? it might be a better use of time to focus on teaching  it to the kids who need it.”

I held back the eye roll at the mention of him… but it was cool that he thought of the kids. I laughed but tried to soften it a little in case I provoked the wrath of the crotch-kicker on my hip. Like it was on cue the kid yawned a huge, face-stretching yawn. “Mean it’s not rocket science when you read the signs.” I bragged. “Should we round them all up or just take the little ones back?”

•— Raven —•

‘Ah… You’re under selling your skills again John Murphy.’ #Harper teased him at not being a rock scientist.

Then he asked another good question. “Uhm… Harper?” Taking my lead from her as she knew these kids better than we did.

‘Oh… I’m not sure it’s a good idea to split  the kids up. The little ones have grown accustomed to being around the older ones. And the older kids don’t really let the young ones out of their sight.’

The thought warmed me and saddened me at the same time. “Talk about having to grow up too fast... they are protector  when they should be children themselves.” But I got it. Wasn’t it the same for us too?

‘So, what’s the plan guys?’ #Monty walked over to ask.

My hazel eyes moved over the room, and all the faces. “I guess we are all heading back for a nap? Unless Harper do you want me to go grab the lunches? I’m happy to do it so you have some down time too?”

It felt right to offer, I’d been sat here on a stool while they did all the hard work.

‘Are you sure you don’t mind, or have any else to do?’ She asked. I had a tone of things to do. “I’m hiding out, seeing how long it takes the others to come find me. So, all of your head back. I’ll go pick up the food.”

•— John —•

I laughed at #Harper. “Yeah well, kids are crappy judges of character.” I was sure if these little people had any clue of the things I had done, they would be terrified of me. I thought about what Harper said and looked around… these kids were all from different clans… I  would have to remember to look at the list of minors and see who was from which clan. “Even the kids from different clans?” I asked.

‘Kids don’t see clan allegiance; they just see new friends. Especially after… everything.’ She cleared her throat and brushed the hair away from the little boy's eyes.

I had to say I agreed with Raven… “It wasn’t any different on the Ark. How old were all of you when you were selected for your apprenticeships?” I looked from #Monty to #Harper to #Raven… “Fourteen? Younger? You made it to Zero-G at eighteen.” I said to Raven. I, on the other hand… they planned to assign to maintenance or janitorial or something else suitably useless. “Maybe in a few decades, kids can be kids again.”

I grinned at Raven. “Wait….” I gave her a shocked look. “You tricked me into turning your day off  into a field trip! I feel so used Raven Reyes!” I had to tone down my usual theatrics due to the sleeping crotch kicker… but my smirk said it all. Then on a serious note. “Maybe someone should go with you?” I glanced around. I would have volunteered… but for some reason, I thought that would be…. I had no idea… we had been together all day. I was hard to be around on a good day.

“One person can carry the rations… but the water too? And today is nutrition packs for the minors too.” I had made the schedule based on the nutritional needs Abby  laid out for the kids and adults… those with injuries. It gave me a headache just thinking about it.

‘I can go with her… can you get them back with just too?’ #Monty asked.

I looked at the kids and asked in Trig. “Who’s ready for another ride in the elevator?” None of  them seemed to show signs of fear this time.

•— Raven —•

It was such a tender touch, the way #Harper moved the hair out of the boys eyes. Once again, I had to remind myself how things could have been different for us all of our life’s had taken an unexpected turn.

Of If I hadn’t messed up, if we had stopped the nuclear meltdown, if the stars were set on destroying everything we were trying to save?

I had to tell myself to stop… I knew where these dark thoughts took me… and it wasn’t anywhere good. Positive energy, one foot in front of the other… and small wins!

“Who? Me?” Giving John a shocked face with a hand over my heart. “I don’t know what you mean. I would never.” Winking at the children even if they understand the conspiracy I was bringing them into.

I was going to describe in detail the plan I had about accosting a trolly to bring everything back. But #Monty was always good company.

“Thanks Green, I’m going to accept your offer to help. So, shall we?” Realising, actually I hadn’t gotten up from the stool.

Not sure what #Harper saw in my face, but she began gathering the kids who John had excited with another ride in the elevator. Taking the attention off me, so that I could slowly stand myself up.

Hiding the shooting pain, making me freeze for a breath or two. And then I was on the move.

•— John —•

That little spark of mischief played in those hazel eyes, the ring of gold flashing for a moment when she gave me her cheek. I saw it dim and sputter out when she stood up. Then I was suddenly hit with all the flaws in this plan. Would #Monty recognises her pain? Would he slow down and take it at a speed not so slow that she’d know what was happening, but slow enough that she had time to breathe through the hurt? Would he ask her about it? No one who was in pain wanted to be constantly reminded of every detail of those pains and draw attention to it, bringing it into sharp relief in the forefront of their mind. Would he know to just stop for a moment if she needed to and let her catch her breath before offering to help her when she was more than capable of helping herself?

‘You coming, Murphy?’ It was #Harper, I realised she was at the door with the kids, two little ones still milling around my feet.

“Right behind you,” I told her. “Just making sure we don’t have any stragglers.” She nodded and started to lead the kids. I focused my attention… or my eyes at least on the kids, this  wasn’t a place to leave a child behind, there were airlocks and tools everywhere.

#Harper began counting heads as they filed into the lift giddy and excited, and a few sleepy yet fascinated faces. Plus, the little one that was out cold on my shoulder. #Raven was gone from my  eyeline now. I stepped inside and exhaled. She was fine. She was a grown woman, and she did not need my meddling at all.

I knew this… But it still didn’t help.

‘She’s okay, isn’t she?’ #Harper asked as the doors slid closed.

“Raven?” I asked… Blinking. “Of course.”

#Harper’s reply was a look; pinched brows and a stern expression. It suited her… this mother hen look. “She is… she’s just… working too much… but I’m working on that…” I was trying to. But between my shifts in the mess and the therapy sessions with Jackson, I hardly knew where to find her half of the time.

‘And you? Are you okay?’ She asked next. Now I was really confused.

“Yeah… sure…” Then I remembered, she was there… in the brig. “I’m fine… better. I have Raven, #Luna and #Emori. I’ll be fine.”

‘You have the 100, John… any of us that are left.’ Harper said and the doors pinged. We ushered the kids out and I rolled my eyes. #Harper looked hurt at that.

“Sorry, that wasn’t aimed at you. But we both know that’s not totally true.” I explained.

‘What’s not true?’ I audibly groaned as #OfficerShaw stepped into the corridor. #Harper beamed though and so did a few of the kids. I fought back yet another eye roll.

•— Raven —•

Walking down the corridor I knew what I needed to do. It’s all about mind over matter. Or at least what #Sinclair told me. ‘You can do anything you put your mind to Miss Reyes. Don’t you ever forget it.’

My lips curled up into a soft smile, heading his voice in my head wasn’t  the same at on #Becca’s Island, but I had a good memory of it still. Even if it felt a little fogged.

‘What are you thinking about?’ #Monty asked from beside me. He walked step to step, like a perfect mirror of my actions.

“Something Sinclair used to say to me.” This made his heart turn, but her didn’t speak. Waiting to see if there were memories, I was willing to share. “He used to tell me I could do anything I put my mind too. That the only people or person to get in my way... was me.”

#Monty chuckled but still didn’t speak. “I’m starting to think the man had a point.” I said as we moved to the side, some of the guys from camp and some grounders were working together, carrying cleaning supplies and equipment.

‘I may not know it all, but I knew better than to disagree with what Sinclair said. So, yeah...’ He nudged his shoulder into mine chuckling again.

“Careful, Green. I may get myself a big head or something.” This earned an eye roll.

‘It’s not easy, Rey. What we are all trying to do up here. But the fact that so many people are here and breathing….  What is it you used to say…. Small wins? Yeah. Small wins. We will take them until they build up into something substantial.’

This time I moved closer to him. My friend warmed my heart.

‘Now… are you going to tell me how he is?’ The boy didn’t miss a beat while opening  the doors to the mess room.

“Who? John?” Arching my eyebrow.

‘No, Bellamy… you picked John.’ That mischievous look was back making the both of us laugh together.

“Funny… so bloody funny! But he is getting there. It’s going to be fine. He isn’t alone.” This time I truly believe what I said. John wasn’t alone. He had people he cared about. And maybe had someone special who will help keep his demons in check, even if he still hasn’t told me about them.

‘Come on, Rey. Let’s get those children feed.’ Leaving me standing in the middle of bustling mess, he rushed to find a trolly we could use.

•— John —•

We were so close. Two minutes earlier and we would have missed him. “It’s not true that your ears are your worst feature… Officer. Personally, I think they are adorable. #Harper disagrees.”

I watched his jaw tick like he was biting the inside of his cheek; I felt a swell of  pride. ‘You are so lucky you have a baby in your arms or I would smack you, John Murphy.’ Harper whispered as she passed me by and spoke normally. ‘Want to help us wrangle this gang back to the classroom?’

‘Sure thing.’ He smiled. ‘I have some time.’ He tried to take the  hand of the kid closest to me, but she looked up at me and I said without even twitching a finger. “En’s ku… Teik ai meika.” (It’s okay. Take my hand.) The little girl reached out and took my free hand. #Shaw bristled.

#Harper rolled her eyes and started to head down the  hall calling to the kids to follow. “Hos of, yongons.” (Move along, kids.) The stragglers started to move and Shaw did seem to making sure none of them wandered.

‘It’s a good look on you Murphy… maybe you’ll make a good mommy someday.’ Shaw smirked like he just landed a killer insult.

“Wow, gender base insults.” I laughed. Fuck! This kid was getting heavier by the second. There was no way I would show any hint of weakness around him. “You’re about a century too late… we wiped out that toxic bullshit a few years after the missiles  launched.”

‘Foul language in front of the little ones?’ Shaw acted horrified.

“They don’t speak English in case you haven’t noticed. Only the warriors learned English on the ground.” I said like this was common knowledge he should know.

‘So, I’d heard… why is that  exactly?’ He asked and I smirked.

“Because the people that lived in an American military base kidnapped their soldiers, turned them into drug dependant cannibals and fed their addiction when they brought them live grounders that they kept in cages and used their blood as  medicine.” It was true… and also a nice dig at the country he’d decided to fight for.

His face twisted up as he processed the information. “See that girl up there…” I waited until #Harper was far enough ahead. “The descendants of your government locked her in a cage so  small she had to curl into a ball… drilled into her and drained her bone marrow until she almost died. Then they strapped Raven to the same table and tried to do the same thing.”

‘Was that before or after you shot her?’ He looked at me smugly.

Bellamy fucking Blake! That man had no idea when to shut the hell up. “Ask Raven.” Was all I said back. Rey and I were long past that… even if I still refused to talk to #Jackson about it. It would not go down well if he confronted her about it.

He laughed and stroked his chin. He knew that was a bad  move. ‘Any particular reason you’re suddenly interested in these kids?’

“Oh, you mean the kids whose burns I treated and vomit bags I held when they came on board? Whose entire meal plan and nutrition requirements I calculated and prepare rations for every single day on this boat? Yeah… pretty unexpected that I took an interest…” I rolled my eyes. “Or maybe it’s because I’m one of about ten people from the Ark that bother to learn their language. Pick which one you like best.”

Finally, the double doors to the schoolroom appeared before us. And we went inside. #Harper pointed me to the cots and I lay the sleeping toddler down, easing his tiny arms from around my neck as Harper tucked a blanket around him. ‘You need to stop antagonising that man.’ She whispered to me. ‘Raven trusts him, we need to trust him too.’

“Oh I trust him,” I said and she looked bewildered. “I trust him to keep this boat in orbit and the life support running.... but I don’t trust him with these people.” I tipped my chin towards the kid. “This was a prison ship.. and none of the prisoners survived? Isn’t that a  little convenient? We were prisoners too Harper… I’ve seen those cells. They wore shock collars… Do you really think they couldn’t have subdued any of them? Isn’t it weird that only half a dozen crewmates survived? If anything goes wrong up here the grounders will be the first to go. Or worse.”

‘Worse?’ she asked, her brow knitting in confusion.

“They still have the collars on board.” Her face dropped and she shook her head.

‘Please don’t do anything stupid, John. Raven needs you.’ It sounded like she was pleading. But Raven didn’t need anyone, not really. ‘Let me talk to #Clarke about this before you do anything, please?’

I blinked. “You believe me? Just like that…. Without proof?” She kissed my cheek quickly and smiled.

‘Just like that, John.’ And she shuffled off to the next kid, leaving me crouched by the little one. I looked over my shoulder and #Shaw was managing to get the little kids to lie down. I… fucking… hate… that guy.

•— Raven —•

‘Raven Reyes!’ The voice came from behind as #Monty and I loaded the last of the food ration assigned to the children for midday.

‘Busted!’ He chuckled looking over his shoulder to the person who owned the voice.

‘People have been looking all over this ship for you. Where have you been?’ #Clarke came to stand right beside me now. Her arms crossed over the chest, sending out the subliminal message that she was not to be fucked with.

“I couldn’t be hiding so well. Look you found me.” Saying it while struggling a little with the box of water.

‘It’s not a joke Rey. We need you. We need to make sure the council understands every step of the process. That are all so close. I can feel it.’

She was frowning at Monty.

‘Shouldn’t you be working on the plan on what to do when this all runs out?’ She pointed to the trolly.

“Back off Griff. He has been working damn hard. And he hasn’t stopped. Right now, he is helping Harper with feeding the children of the council. So… just bad off.” She looked out of sorts, and I didn’t care. I was fine with her telling me I was slacking. But she wasn’t going to say it to anyone else.

‘I… I’m sorry… it’s just a lot riding on this.’ She frowned looking away.

“Yeah, we know. It was kind of our minds coming up with the lists of everything we needed to do.”

#Monty placed a hand on my forearm, telling me to stop. ‘As soon as we deliver this food, I will get back to work on the algae farm. I’ve begun to find a way I think will make the most sense in a short period.’ The boy was super intelligent and if anyone could, it would be him.

I couldn’t help the pride I felt for my friend right now, as he went into great detail on how far the process had come. I knew what he was doing. Taking Clarke’s attention and anger off me.

•— John —•

#Harper’s easy acceptance of what I told her was still not sitting right in my mind… I couldn’t stop my inner monologue running through what her intentions might be. Was she going to use this against me? Would she tell the crew that I knew they had the collars? Would she think  I was crazy?

I knew what Raven would say. She would tell me to trust my family, my friends… but fuck! That really wasn’t easy. Harper was trying to settle a fussy child, singing to her and trying to keep the older kids quiet. They were clearly too old for naps and none of  them appeared to need one. I searched the room and found a tablet.

“I got the older ones, Harper. Try to get her to sleep.” I took the older kids to the other end of the room and gathered them up in a circle sitting on the floor. I pulled up a blank document on the  tablet.

Ꮻ ʜᴀʀᴘᴇʀ ᴍᴄɪɴᴛʏʀᴇ ᴘᴏᴠ Ꮻ

I held the little girl draped across my lap… it was the only way she’d sleep and now I was afraid to move because she never slept well… I think she had bad dreams. I had let my humming fade out after her eyes closed. Now I was  watching John… speaking Trig to these kids like he had used it all his life… #Shaw was watching him too from the other side of the room. He caught my eye when I looked over and then came to stand next to me.

‘What is he saying to them?’ He asked me.

“I don’t know word for word. But he is teaching them to count in English and what each number looks like.” I replied, catching as many words as I could.

‘Why?’ He asked, brow furrowed.

“I think it's so they can use the elevators on their own if they ever need to, or get lost,” I told him without  thinking about whether or not I should answer the question.

‘Is that a good idea?’ #Miles asked, and there it was… I should have thought before I spoke. ‘What if they go back to their parents and teach them?’

I shifted to a little to face him and said matter-of-factly. “Then their parents will be able to move more freely around the ship.” My tone made it very clear that this was a good thing.

‘Oh yeah sure… I just meant that… they don’t understand life on a ship… We don’t want anyone accidentally stepping out into space.’ He replied  quickly.

•— Raven —•

〄 ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱʜɪᴘ’ꜱ ᴍᴇꜱꜱ

‘Rey, are you going to come and join the meeting? They need to see you there.’ #Clarke looks frustrated.

“Grif, I’m not a team mascot. If you need me there to explain what I am doing, or how things are working. Fine. But I’m not going to stand there just to make people feel comfortable. My time can be better spent.’

#Monty had stepped away to give the two of us room to speak. And some part of me thought I would have loved to walk away too.

‘You, know you are much more than a mascot. I don’t know…’ she rubbed her hand over her tired face.

“When was the last time you sat down, ate something, slept?’ Placing my hand on her shoulder. “Today I’m learning to stop and look around. To enjoy the sad wins we have.” Our eyes moved over the people in the  Mess with us. “All these people, they need to see us, to trust us. To understand we are here working to make sure their safety and security is what we are all working towards.”

Her shoulders sagged, but the fact that she wasn’t dragging me or herself out of here, it meant  she saw where I was coming from. ‘I guess…’ she began. ‘You have a point.’

I knew I shouldn’t joke. “Can I have it in writing?” She nudged me smiling.

‘Go, feed the masses. Do your thing. You’re working ten steps ahead of me.’ My smirk was all the answer she wanted.  But she pushed me playfully. ‘Shut up! And Go!’

•— John —•

〄 ʙᴀᴄᴋ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʟᴀꜱꜱʀᴏᴏᴍ

The kids seemed to get one to five down quickly, but I could see frustration starting to creep in. So I put away the tablet and started to ask them their names and tribes… they started to ask me about being born in space… that was harder.

On the ground, I never had much cause to talk about being Skaikru in their language since I spent most of my time trying to hide that fact.. other than from #Emori. It was impossible to translate words like 𝕆𝕣𝕓𝕚𝕥, 𝔾𝕣𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕥𝕪 and 𝕘𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕔 𝕖𝕟𝕘𝕚𝕟𝕖𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘.

Plus trying to navigate the conversation around the fact that I was locked up for attempted murder, arson, burning two days' worth of breathable air and potentially endangering every life on the Ark just by lighting one fire…. Well yeah. That was difficult too.

The eldest two kids had asked me why they hadn’t been given a job… they were probably only eleven… but clearly, they were used to contributing. So I approached #Harper, letting the kids just hang out and relax. She still had a sleeping child on her lap. ‘That was amazing John…’ She smiled. ‘Who knew you would be the teaching kind?’

I laughed. “If #Pike could see me now right?” #Harper winced. She was there the day he attacked me in our Earth Skills class. “I just speak their language is all.”

‘You do… and not just  literally… you understand them. They can tell and they respond to that.’ She smiled again and I shuffled uncomfortably. Having people not hate me was a strange sensation.

“Speaking of understanding… the eldest kids… they were asking about having a job… helping out? I  think they are used to helping out at home.” There was no such thing as laziness on the ground, everyone spent their days surviving… working, and making sure they had what they needed to survive the winter or the dry season.

‘Oh… um… I suppose I could have them help out a little more with the kids… but I don’t think there's a lot they would be able to do. If they were off in the ship they would need to be supervised and that would take someone else away from a job…’ She was rambling now, thinking out loud… “You know who would be best to help with that?… #Luna. When she’s back we’ll talk to her about it.’

She was right, #Luna had everyone on the Oil Rig pitching in and that wasn’t much safer than this ship for little kids. She had to have ideas for safe ways for them to contribute. “Yeah… you’re right. I’d  bet she would think of something.”

‘Are you really thinking about putting kids to work?’ I hadn’t paid attention to #Shaw’s presence.

“We aren’t talking about slave labour here. We’re talking about letting them feel useful. These kids aren’t used to being idle. They are tending crops and raising farm animals from the time they can walk…” I left out the part about training to be soldiers from before puberty. “They just want to contribute.”

•— Raven —•

The doors slide open to #Monty and I seeing #Harper, #Miles, and John huddled to the far side of the classroom. Some kids sleeping and the olders one’s relaxing and speaking in hushed tones.

‘That doesn’t look good.’ #Monty uttered.

“What doesn’t?” I asked curiously as I saw nothing wrong with the sight before us.

‘John and Shaw. In the same room as children. They could kick off at any moment.’ Something passed in his mind because his body language changed.

‘Raven. There you are.’ A bright smile and a salute came from across the room.

“Hey Miles. I wasn’t expecting you to be down here. I’m sure the kids are loving the attention.” We pulled the trolley into the classroom and let the doors close behind us.

‘You know I’m always up for showing my support.’ He came over to take my side of the trolley. ‘Let me help with this.’

My hazel eyes settled on #Harper and John. And the small one fast asleep on her lap.  Smiling at the two of them before the older children we up on their feet making their way across.

‘Who’s going to tell them to list up?’ Miles asked. Pulling my attention back to him

“Mi….” Before I could even say his name, #Monty replied frowning.

‘No one.’ #Monty replied. ‘They are kids, not prisoners. They can help themselves to anything they want from here. Because they know how to take care of rationing food.’

Before his sentence was over, I saw how the oldest looking of the kids stepped up. One handing the younger ones their fair share of food and water. Before even thinking of serving themselves.

‘See…’ #Monty said looking proud of them. The girl took food and water over for Harper, the baby, and John too.

•— John —•

I rolled my eyes at the salute… didn’t anyone tell him America was over? I scoffed when he asked who was going to tell the kids to line up for rations. It had been ten minutes since we talked about the fact that I was one of the few people from the Ark who spoke their  language.

I smirked and turned my attention to the child and #Harper’s lap to try and hide the grin when #Monty called him out. ‘John Murphy, you wipe that smirk off your face.’ #Harper whispered; she leaned in close. ‘Raven is allowed to make new friends. Don’t be jealous…  it can’t compare to what you did for her.’

I inhaled deeply. “Raven might be blind to it… but we all know it's not friendship he wants.” I whispered back.

‘All that matters is what our Rey wants, she will only do what she wants to do.’ #Harper replied and I flicked my eye to the side watching the kids help themselves to their fair share and passing the packet to the young ones that were awake. Saving some for the little ones still sleeping. I smiled at the little girl and took the rations from her. “Mochof.” (Thank you.) I told her.

‘How long are you going to wait, John?’ She asked and I was stunned. I busied myself opening her rations and giving them to her because she only had one free hand. Was I that transparent?

“As long as she needs me too,” I whispered, not able to look at her now. But I saw her roll her eyes in my peripheral vision.

‘You don’t get to decide what she needs, John… this isn’t the same thing as her working herself into an early grave.’ Even though she was clearly calling me out… her words were kind, like she was giving me advice, maybe even encouragement…  instead of telling me off.

I looked her in the eyes now. “I can’t lose her.”

•— Raven —•

‘I .. Uhm… I fucked up again. Didn’t I?’ #Miles stepped into me to whisper in my ear. However, I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the packet in my hands. ‘I’m sorry Raven. This is all new to me.’ And I knew it was.

“Yeah… Miles... you did… but at least you know you did. That’s a start.” I half smiled. Hearing a scoffing sound coming from #Monty’s direction before he went to join #Harper and John.

‘I’m trying. It’s not easy thinking the way you do. You are so trustful and open… I’m... well… I’m messed up.’ I knew what #Miles was going through. We’re had a number of night time conversations when he’d wake up from nightmares and knock on my door.

I smiled and nudged him with my elbow. “I am far from perfect. Just like to think we need to survive together, without the trauma every single one of  us has lived through. You, me, and everyone else on this ship. Each step we take has to be with humanity in mind. Not a power trip or thinking less about anyone else. You know what I mean?”

He nodded his head, giving me a hug and whispering in my ear again. ‘I want to be Raven Reyes when I grow up.’ This made me laugh, patting his back and hugging him too.

“Keep with me kid, and I’ll show you how it’s done.” Stepping back to look up at him. Placing a hand on his cheek. “Just show them the side of you, I’ve seen. Your kind, bull headed, but this...” My hand moved to his chest and heart. “This is what matters, when every person around you is fearful and lost.”

Looking over his shoulder I saw John speaking with Harper, it made me smile. He too once told me no one would love him and now look at him. He had a family. Even if he didn’t recognise it yet.

•— John —•

Now I had sunk so deep into those feelings, I thought I had done a good job of keeping to myself today. I was a good friend today, wasn’t I? Helped her with her pain when I could and kept her company… even if I wasn’t so successful at having her take a break… walking the ship with the kids was far less difficult and physically taxing than her day job… and now here I was grasping at those mental threads, trying to stuff them deep down again.

Would it ever get easier?

I wasn’t sure I wanted it to… on one hand this hurt… on the other… it  was a reminder that I was capable of feeling. If it got easier… if I forgot… Would I turn back into the version of John Murphy she hated?

Just so I had a reason to not watch the exchange between Rey and #Shaw I ate my ration, even if it was the last thing I wanted to do.

But then he hugged her and the movement in my peripheral vision was too much to ignore. My gaze flickered up… I couldn’t see this… I couldn’t look away.

I needed to see this. I needed to know that she had far better prospects than me. Even if it was this douchebag… He was  making her smile… making her laugh. She touched his face and the crack in my chest was what I needed to look away, back at #Harper. I forced a smile that failed to wipe the pity from her eyes. Great! I was pitiful again.

‘John, it doesn’t mean…’ She started to tell me that what I saw meant nothing. But nothing Raven did ever meant nothing. Time was too precious to her. Everything she did was about making things better.

“It’s fine… I’m fine.” I lied. I hadn’t promised #McIntyre I wouldn’t lie to her. “All that matters is that she’s happy, that’s all I need.” Another lie, this one stung me. I looked around the room at the sleeping kids, the older ones eating or helping the little ones that had woken open the little silver packets.

“Do… um…” I cleared my throat, there was a lump there that the words got stuck on. “Do you still need me here? You have soldier boy now and I should go check on the canteen… my grounder assistants still struggle with the tablets to record the rations that were collected.” Truth. Sort of… They would manage… but still, the half-truth eased the guilt a  little. Raven really was rubbing off on me if these little lies were weighing on me.

‘Um…’ Harper looked around and swallowed thickly. ‘John, you don’t…’ she seemed to think about what she was about to say. ‘We’ll be fine. You should do what you need to do.’

I didn’t give any other explanation as I made my way to the door as subtly as possible. Until the eldest child in the room called out. ‘Seda, yu gon raun?’ (Teacher, you’re leaving?) I wasn’t sure what stopped me. The fact he’d announce my departure to the room or the fact he called me Seda. It was not a word the grounders used carelessly.

•— Raven —•

#Miles handed me a chunk from his now opened sliver packet, holding it out to me with a smile. Of course I didn’t need help to open my rations. But it was the gesture in the moment, an olive branch as they called it on earth in his days. So, I went with it. Showing him that just because a mistake is made didn’t mean the end of a friendship.

We all did it from time to time, making mistakes, saying things we didn’t mean, or just having a bad day. It didn’t mean doors were closed on you forever. The room had been divided into three sections, each of which was busy with those around them.

 #Monty, spoke in hushed tones with a boy showing him how to open the rations in a clean way. And once again when my eyes went to #Harper and John, they were speaking to each other still.

Wanting to give John space, to build his relationship with the others, I went to sit down beside some of the children on our side of the room.

We needed to give all of them the same amount of attention no matter their age. (Or at least that was my belief.)

#Miles of course, joined me, giving us an opportunity to introduce him to them. We needed to keep trying to build some trust between the young ones. They were told to fear people who dressed like us, and as grown-ups it was our responsibility to break those walls down.

#Miles’s eyes widened with shock when he heard my broken trig. ‘I didn’t know you spoke their language too.’ He asked.

“You know it’s the same language as we speak, just with the evolution of over a hundred years.” This made him smile.

‘Are you going to teach me some too?’ he asked with an elbow to my side.

Parting my lips to answer, I stopped, seeing another opportunity to build something lost. “You know who taught me?” Nodding my head to the other side of the room to where John was. “John Murphy. He has a talent for picking up speech.”

I swear I saw something in #Miles’s eyes before he shook his head. ‘Guess I’ll be using sign language with the kids for a while.’

Everyone stopped speaking at the same time, with all our heads turned to  the door and John. He looked lost, caught out, as though he stopped from doing something he shouldn’t be. But more so. It’s what I saw in those baby blue eyes of his.

No one spoke for a moment, he didn’t answer the child, and it began to feel awkward. “Bilaik seda, na na bakon.” (Your teacher will be back.) I told the child waving them over to where we were sitting. “Kom op, bilaik dina ste hir.” (Come here, your lunch is waiting.) Beckoning them over.

They glanced back to John and then to me, ultimately choosing  to take a seat beside #Miles. I gave them what was left in my packet, telling them to eat it and share it with their friends if they were full, and then stood up.

Smiling at all those who had allowed me to join them for lunch. I told #Miles, I’d find him later. His eyes moved to the door, and he nodded his head in understanding before I turned and walked slowly towards John.

When I stood facing him, I smiled tilting my head to the side. My hazel eyes locked onto him. “You weren’t leaving without me, were you? No… It couldn’t be…” Pushing the button on the wall to open the door I asked.

“Where to next, Watcher?”

•— John —•

I said nothing… I had no idea what I should say… Seda? No… I couldn’t the grounders would not like their children talking to Skiakru like that. Then Raven spoke instead. That was when I noticed the kid was looking confused.

But… Raven… she crossed the room to me. “Oh…” I smiled. Those glinting hazel eyes instantly switched my rapid heartbeat from frantic to… whatever the hell this was. I didn’t care because it was infinitely better. “Um…” Honesty. Raven respected honesty. “Well I was going to go check on the guys in the canteen… but…” I stopped how could I turn this around? “It's my day off… and since I’m trying to set a good example for a certain workaholic, I should probably rethink that plan.”

I looked around the room quickly #Harper was murmuring to the kid on her lap as she stirred awake. Captain  Whatever and #Monty was talking to the kids. And Raven… She wanted to stay with me. It did funny things to my insides.

“Wait… does this mean that I’m the workaholic now and you’re the slacker?” I teased her. “Maybe you should pick what we do next instead. How does the great Raven Reyes relax?” Then I stopped. “If there’s math I’m out!”

•— Raven —•

Of course, he got the mother of all eye rolls. “Like I would try’s you with my math.”

Taking his hand, I pulled him out of the room letting the doors slide close. “We don’t want to let the young ones out, or wake those still sleeping.”

This was better, the darkness in his eyes had lifted,  it had only taken a few moments. I wasn’t sure what had caused it to occur in the first place. However, the fact that he didn’t allow himself to spiral into the depth of darkness for too long, meant he was trying to get himself better.

“You didn’t tell me it was your day off; I wouldn’t have dragged you around the ship if I knew.” Or had he and I forgot?

Nudging him with my shoulder. “I’m a quick learner. You’d be proud to hear, I even dodged Griffins attempts to get my arse into the council meeting to go over the same questions for the millionth time again.”

Glancing up and down the corridor, I was lost. “I really don’t know what we should be doing. Maybe I should walk you back to your room, and then get my arse back to work.” A Guilty feeling began to emerge from using his free day, which we didn’t have many off.

•— John —•

I let her pull me out into the hall and remember her taking my hand before she fell asleep. “I haven’t had many but the ones I have had I spend wandering the ship anyway… This is a strange place… I figured the best way to get comfortable here was to know my way around.” Then I quirked a brow… “What did you think when lunchtime rolled around, and I didn’t run off to the mess?” I chuckled. “Losing your edge there, Reyes.” I teased her.

I raised my bros in shock at her turning #Griffin down. “Wow! Really? I’m so proud!” Then I thought about it “Isn’t that more the Docs forte anyway… the effects of cryo on the human body and blah, blah, blah.”

“”Shh!!” I pressed one finger to her lips… mushing them into a funny shape and laughing. “No work talk… days off are to be spent with friends… so…. Come on! What’s next?” I smiled… I felt… lighter… and it was so easy. It was always easier near her.

I started walking down the hallway, it was selfish… but I didn’t want #Shaw to decide to tag along. Even if I was certain he had a way to find whoever he wanted on this ship if he really  wanted to.

“Come on, Rey… you have to know all of the best spots to have fun around here.”

•— Raven —•

“Okay fine, it’s a good question. But in my defence. I wasn’t looking around much in the mess. If I had stopped to think. I’m sure I’d have worked it out.” I hoped to myself at least. But his chuckling sound was worth the brain fart moment.

I was smiling too, nodding my head  and laughing a little when I spoke.

“I didn’t think she would let me off the hook so easily, but she gave in when I gave her my ‘don’t make me boom you, Griff’ voice” I didn’t. Or at least I don’t think I did. But it was worth a little elaboration. Sighing and nodding my head as I began to speak, but….

My face felt mushed, and my lips… his finger was on it! I was going to bite it, or lick it, or…. Well… I stopped my mouth from doing something awkward and laughed instead.

Following John down the corridor  wasn’t difficult, I’d been the one to pull him out, and inserted myself into his day.

“Anyway….” Pushing my hands into the pockets of my jumpsuit, catching up to his stride for now. “That’s my point… with Abby and the council meetings. I’m the ‘doer’ not the brains behind the how and what if. Sure I can’t talk about the details of the machine but do they need to know it? The worries I would have if I were them…. Is it safe, has it been tested, will our families be safe. The science… you know?”

I knew I was on a tangent. Sighing again I stopped looking at the back of John. Recalling one of his concerns about the ship.

 “I don’t know this ship like the back of my hand. So… want to go explore with me?” Watching him for his reaction.

•— John —•

I chuckled and smiled at her. “Nah... it’s a good sign… it means you were enjoying your time with the kids.”

I kept my pace slow; she was already hurting, and I didn’t want to make it any worse. “First of all; you are always the brains… but second… can’t you just trot out the screws and tell the people they were in the chambers for almost one hundred years? And they've been in and out of them a few times, right? On the way out to their mission and again on the way back. Show the living, breathing, walking, and talking results of the chamber.”

She stopped and I kept going a few steps... thinking she was hurting… but she always caught up… I knew she hated it when people slowed down for her. But when she asked her question, I turned with a grin.

“Now you're speaking my language, Rey!” Then I tilted my head and took a step in her direction. “I wanna add one thing though! Remember that bet we made… I still have ten questions. I want to ask one today.”

•— Raven —•

My brow furrowed considerably, John always seemed to act as though he didn’t understand or care about the situations around us. However, he had changed. Taking comments and actions into consideration, and even giving his opinion on the matter too. Part of me thought I’d lost this side of John. That I wouldn’t see it in a long while as he readjusted to our new life, but more so the people.

I stood pleasantly surprised and proudly proven wrong. “The council have met Miles, Lizzy. The others weren’t up to the  challenges to discuss their time in the pods and tell you the truth I don’t blame them. Waking up to so much change and losing all that time.”

I empathised with the others who woke up. I started to catch up to John, nudging him with my elbow.

“There you go, trying to weasel your way in by being charming. But… also factual. I am the brains.” Laughing until he reminded me of his win.

“I’m not going to lie. I forgot about it.” My hazel eyes turned their attention on him, trying to gauge the severity of  these questions. “But it’s only fair. We agreed to ten questions. So… you have ten questions.”

Gesturing for him to continue walking towards the elevators. We’d need to pick a level we hadn’t seen previously.

•— John —•

I couldn’t lie… I hadn’t really thought about that… that they’d woken up in an entirely different world. But then again they had accepted a mission that had them in cryo. “Isn't that kinda what they signed up for, though?” I asked, genuinely… “Obviously not the apocalypse…  how long was the mission meant to be originally… Twenty-five… fifty years? No one could be sure what you could come home to after that long.”

Sure, It was still a shock… but the planet was in a major climate crisis… there were wars everywhere. Did they really expect to  return to the exact same world? Had they lost any more than the first generation of Arkadians? But one thing was for sure. Being born in space… seemed like a better option to me. Considering everything I went through… that is saying something. At the Ark was always the Ark... Well, until it wasn’t.

I stepped into the lift with her and smiled. “So… where have you not been so far?” I asked her, figuring she'd probably seen more of the ship than me… with the repairs she’d have carried out. “Let’s go exploring somewhere neither of us has been yet,” I mentioned nothing about the question I was going to ask… I would find a moment later. As long as she didn’t pick the prison floor… I had zero desire to go back there, and I honestly didn’t want Raven to see it… even if the chances were she already had.

•— Raven —•

“I don’t know John.” I began walking down the corridor again towards the elevators. I had some insight into the minds of the crew through #Miles, but would it be breaking of his trust to bring it up? “The only way I can say I understand it, even when you know you make a choice to do the work and job they did. They knew their friends, families, people they knew were living a life, growing old, dying with a full life.”

Pushing my hair back over my shoulder, recalling the  loss I had felt in my life. “But to wake up, find out they are all gone, and why? Knowing there is no one on the planet you called home, who was even related to them? It’s a lot.”

Coming to a stop before the metal doors, I pushed the button with the down arrow. “There is some part of their story which resonates with me. I’m not sure how, or why. However, I feel for them, John. And I don’t want them to relive their memories if it cases them pain.”

Stepping from foot and foot, I gave up and lent against the wall. Pointing my finger down.

“I say we do it the way we did on Becca’s Island? Start from the bottom and make our way up? If you are game?”

•— John —•

“I get that… But maybe they just need to see that people come out as healthy as they were when they went into the bad.”

I knew the feeling… I had been there a matter of months, and I could barely stand to look at the burning planet. I watched her little shuffle, and I knew she was hurting. “Sounds good to me,” I said, I leaned back against the wall next to her, set my feet about a foot  away and braced myself back against the wall. I reached for Raven. “C’mon… no one is watching, lean on me,” I told her pulling her over to rest her hip against my thigh. Almost like sitting on my lap but not. “I’m a little more comfortable than the wall.” I chuckled. “Take  the pressure off, it’ll take a minute to get all the way down.” I wasn’t sure it felt different to touch her when we were alone… It felt like a violation when others were around… like they might guess my feelings for her and see something more. But when it was me and her… most of the time it just felt like she was my friend… she was in pain, and I could help. Of course, there were moments… but if I let myself think of those I would never get out of that loop.

I paused for a moment and then finally said it. “Can we skip the prison floor?” I asked. “I checked it out already and I don’t really want to go back… plus I don’t think you need to see it.”

•— Raven —•

“Yeah, I get your point for sure. I’ll bring it up with Marcus, Abby, and the others when I see them. It can’t hurt if we stick to the facts and don’t ask questions.”

John didn’t wait for me to reply before pulling me into his side. The moment i allowed the weight off my hip  I felt a rock life up and off my chest. I didn’t move away or fight him. John Murray was one of the few people in my life who had seen me at my worst, and still he stood here. No matter our issues, our problems, our ups and downs. We were going to rebuild our friendship.

Pain had become my not to silence partner in life. But I’d learnt soon after the fact, that the more space I gave it in my thoughts, the less it would let me live. So, it was always the case of pushing forward until I couldn’t take anything more.

“This reminds me of the evenings at home…. I mean… in the mansion, when you talked me into leaving the lab for the first time.” Resting my head to the side I closed my eyes before opening them again. “No matter how tight of a hold the pain had on me.

You found a way to take the pressure off a little.”

I took a deep breath, turning my eyes on John. I knew why he didn’t want to go to that level. And I wouldn’t push him to tell me more until he was ready.

“Sure, deck eight isn’t the vibe… we can go straight down  to deck ten. So much more to see in the waste disposal system anyway.” Elbowing him to say. I got you. Don’t worry.

I recalled a moment in my workshop, where John had said he would share his thoughts me later. But I pushed that away. If he remembered, he would tell me. I was sure about that.

•— John —•

Raven didn’t even hesitate about moving to lean on me… Was this it? Were we back to where we’d been in the Mansion?… I smiled thinking about it, keeping my hand on her waist I was sure that just like the Ark; the lifts of this ship were prone to sudden stops or jolts on occasion… they were all at least a century-old after all.

“It was a lot of trial and error. And ducking.” I teased. “But you’d be surprised by the number of ways you can turn a human body into a temporary chair.” I chuckled. “And you can call it home… I promise I won’t have a breakdown.” I didn’t want her censoring herself because she was worried about how I might react. “It was home. But we’ll make a new one.”

I turned to thank but she was looking at me and I swallowed hard. Remember those moments I was talking about? Yeah… “There they are,” I smirked, covering. Those little gold stars were showing in those hazel eyes again. “Feeling better?”

Then the rest of what she said hit me. “Wait! Waste disposal…. Is this the part where you float me and tell everyone it was a system failure?”

•— Raven —•

“Yeah? Maybe you need to start making a list of all the ways. See how far we can get.” Thankful for the opportunity to find some form of support right now.

“You are maybe able to hold on. But John. I can’t make the same promise. It… it felt like home…. You are right…”  I knew he would make a comment about me acknowledging him being right. However here we were. “After so long… we found a place to stay where nobody wanted kill us each night… well… kinda…”

Frowning a little, I tilted my head. “There who is?” What had he seen that I hadn’t? And then I burst out laughing so hard!!

“Oh… please! I wouldn’t float you. Where is the fun in that? Keeping you with me is a way better way to torture you.”

•— John —•

“Vital medical research.” I nodded, very serious. Then laughed.

I let out a breath… “I’m not too sure I believe it just yet. But I’m trying… and as #Lizzie says… I have my girls.” I chuckled, poking my fingers into her waist indicating she was one of the girls the army medic so easily called 𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕖. “And… I’m trying.” I said it again… because… well there wasn’t anything else to say. It seemed like there was no end to the trying, no matter what #Jackson told me.

I ignored her question with a cheeky grin… knowing that another conversation about her eyes might send me to that place again. She was having fun…. Hurting, but having fun. She had to learn how to feel both at once; because one of those things wasn’t ever going away.

“So kinky Reyes!” I teased her when she mentioned torture. “I mean…  they always say the nerdy ones have the wildest streaks… but you just take it too far.” The red number nine scrolled by on the screen above the door. I wrapped my arm all the way around her and held on a little tighter as the lift clunked down to ten and stopped with only a light jolt.

•— Raven —•

“Your girls?” I asked with a raised brow. He had girls? When his poked me it clicked what #Lizzie must have meant, making me laugh.

There were times when the woman had watched the closeness of our group, and I had caught the moment smiling. Proud that we are a people could  still relate to the realisation of having someone to care for, and who cared for us.

Laughing I shimmied in his arms. “We only have our kinks to keep us company on dark nights, John… don’t knock them until you try some.” Giving him comedic kissy lips laugh. This was us… where we had come… the distance we had travelled together as friends. We were finding our way back!

His hands around me, brought my face to him and then above the doors, seeing the ride down was coming to its end.

Taking a moment to breathe and gather my willpower. “Here we go. No don’t go screaming if something jumps out at you.” Warning him was funny too.

Straightening up once the elevator came to a still and the door slid open.

•— John —•

I mushed her lips again when she pulled that face and laughed… Just in time too… Sure I was trying hard to be her friend… but wriggling against me like that? I was only human after all. But that face was so comical I laughed… seeing her have this much fun was long overdue.   Today… the night we shared the ice cream… she was smiling again. Laughing. Living. And doing it while taking her pain in stride.

It was all I wanted for her. Well, that and some kind of miracle to take away her pain, at least the pain in her body… the other kind; I wasn't sure either of us would ever fully be rid of that.

“Oh!! So that’s what you do at night?” I teased her. “You volunteering? Because I have roommates… I’m not sure they would appreciate the  𝕥𝕣𝕪 𝕤𝕠𝕞𝕖 part.” I laughed. Because it was what we did… the weird, utterly  ridiculous pseudo-flirting.

I put a hand on her back until she was on her feet, then let her be. “If something jumps out at me Reyes… I’m tossing you at it and legging it.” I laughed. We both knew there was no way… we were well past that… but I was much too good of a joke not to use it. I had literally been shot at trying to save her from danger… which was kinda fair… considering… well, you know. I actually shot her.

But in the Spirit of… jovial cowardice… I waited in the lift and motioned to her.

“As always, Rey.” I winked. “Ladies first!”

•— Raven —•

“Wait. Volunteering for what exactly?” Looking towards the door and then him. Recognition dawned upon me the moment I said the words, making me grin.

With a flat palm to his face, I playfully pushed his face to the side. “John boy…. You wouldn’t survive the night if I did. So, let’s not pretend you wouldn’t have the time of your life trying to stay alive.”

Pushing off I took two steps back before facing the long dark corridor as the lights began to come on with a loud switch sound as each one came on.

“Now… that’s not going to be a problem at all. I was planning of tripping you over. I don’t need to be fast, just faster than the slowest person. So, good to know neither of us needs to live with the consequences and guilt if the other person is knocked off.”

I knew it was far from the truth. I wouldn’t leave him alone. Not again. Not ever.

“Come on slow coach, we had a ship to explore, and monsters to banish.”

•— John —•

I laughed and licked her palm when she pushed me, trying to bite her finger before she pulled away. “Stop threatening me with a good time, Reyes. We both know you’re all talk.”

“Ouch!!!” I clutched my chest like I was wounded and like I hadn’t said the exact same thing to her. I followed her out of the lift… I froze. The flickering lights along the hallway were a little too like the dream where I was running to find her, and the hallway never seemed to end. I shook my head… I was awake… Raven was right there walking and talking.

I knew that  neither of us would ever leave the other behind again… and despite the vast difference in our feelings for one another; this was for the exact same reasons… we’d come through too much. It wasn’t because I was in love with her that I couldn’t leave her behind… it wasn’t because I kept her alive that she wouldn’t leave me behind. It was because right now… we were keeping each other alive.

I clapped my hands together, swallowing my idiotic thoughts and matching her speed. “Let’s go be monster hunters!” I laughed.

“So, I never saw the waste  disposal on the Ark…. Is it just a giant airlock?” I needed to keep my mind busy.

•— Raven —•

“Shut up, Watcher. One of these days you’ll learn how I’m not all talk. And then you’ll wish it was all a joke!” Giving another once of my shoulder shakes as I walked down the corridor. “Clearly forgotten about the Manson pranks I helped with.” 

Giving him the ‘I’m watching you.’ Gesture with my fingers…

Coming to a stopped I glanced over the doors to either side of the hallway, wondering where to even begin. Until I remembered. “My note book!”

Patting my jump suit, I found it in a back pocket pulling it out. “ Waste disposal? You weren’t even assigned down there? Big shock.” Shaking my head as i thumbed through the pages.

“They wouldn’t have let anyone without hight levels of Clarence down there. Because…” looking over towards him as I spoke. “They turned Trash-to-Gas. It was a good way to use a thermal degradation process to, convert waste items into a gas that the crew could either reuse onboard or dispose of via gas venting overboard the spacecraft. It meant we used absolutely everything and didn’t go  polluting space where possible.” Not adding the fact that they floated people like we were disposable by the end of our life on the Ark. 

Finding the page I was looking for.

“Here we go. Right so on this deck we have:

Transport drop.

Waste disposal  

The Shuttle Control Room

A Landing Pad

Some Workshops… oh I so want to see those…

An Escape Pods and the Cargo Bay… think there may be some more of that ice cream stuff in there?” I asked.

•— John —•

I laughed. I would have said prove it… but she wasn’t what someone would call shy. If she called my bluff I had no idea how I might react. “I’m still hearing nothing but threats of a good time.” I teased. Teasing was safe, teasing was our thing.

I gave her a sultry twirl when she the 𝕖𝕪𝕖𝕤 𝕠𝕟 𝕞𝕖 gesture, giving her a nice little arse wiggle as I did too. “See what you're missing out on Reyes!” I laughed harder now then I coughed. “Geek!” and patted my chest when she took out the notebook.

I scoffed. “They put me on janitorial for my internship, Raven… not that it mattered, I was in the skybox a year later.” I chuckled at her revelation… thinking back on the old movies, they would show sometimes. “Do you think people from before the Cataclysm ever imagined that waste disposal would become a high-security job? They threw everything out all the time.”

I rolled my eyes… because before she mentioned high-level clearance waste disposal sounded like the most boring thing on this level. “But you’ve gotten me all worked up for waste disposal now! You aren’t a tease are you, Rey?” I waggled my brow like I wanted her to say yes and grinned.

•— Raven —•

I didn’t know if John had a death wish, or the need to poke at the bear. But I so wanted to smack his arse when he shook it at me. You got lucky that I was out of reach, and couldn’t be doing to moving in closer just now.

“I’m a proud Geek, thank you so much for  recognising my potential.” Bowing my head, because there was no way I could do a full curtsy.

Closing the notebook, I folded it in half pushing it back into the pocket it came out of.

I actually thought about his question.  “I mean they must have been thinking around it at some point, right?”

Glancing around and then back at him. “There were those, who tried to consume less, and pollute the planet less. They would be happy to see we managed to do more with waste production?” Pointing up.

“I’ve been looking over the inmate files for here... Some of them on here were what they called activists. They went to the extreme to bring action to the dangerous situation the planet was in…. So… you know…”

Shrugging  my shoulders, before I stopped all I was doing and saying, stepping into him with a deadpan expression.

“Oh… John… Murphy… I’m the biggest tease you will ever see.” Poking my tongue out at him and laughing my head off. I knocked my shoulder into his.

“Come on…. Let’s keep walking.”

•— John —•

I knew she going to say that. She was proud of how hard she worked to get where she was and proud of it; as she should be.

“Yeah, I’m sure there were a lot of people trying to fix it. Just not enough of them I suppose…” I scoffed a laugh. “Figures, doesn’t it? Locking people up for trying to save the world.” I shook my head.

“Careful! If there’s a solar flare your face will get stuck like that.” I repeated the thing the grow-ups used to tell us on the Ark when we pulled faces. I followed her down the hallway, there weren’t any doors for a long way. So the rooms down here had to be pretty big. Unlike the other levels with a door every few feet.

“Did you say there was a cargo hold… Like supplies… or whatever they were mining? It would make sense for the mined material to be down here, wouldn’t it? Easier to unload when they land on Earth. My head stayed on the swivel… then moved to Raven to check on how deep her limp was… but when she was in adventurer mode, she seemed to forget her pain… and I wasn’t sure it was a good thing… it had to catch up with her eventually.

“Slow down a little, Rey… this isn’t a race. Unless you're that eager to get out of my company?” I teased; I knew it was ridiculous. She’d decided to go exploring with me at the very bottom of the ship. She had plenty of chances to politely part company… but she had chosen to spend her free time with me.

•— Raven —•

“I’d still be beautiful and more importantly intelligent.” Tapping the side of my head. “Maybe not as intelligent as I was on the island… but I still have a few boom sticks to prove my point.”

Of course… I wouldn’t use explosives on board, and no… I didn’t bring any with me… but the threat was just funny to use now.

Rolling my eyes and slowing my step. There was an underlying sense of urgency whenever I set out to achieve something. Planning… Creating… or exploring. It brought out my inner child.

I smiled remembering how #Finn would go out of his way on days my mom was having a bad time. Finding silly things, he could turn into something mysterious or adventurous, just so I would take him on a hunt around the Ark to find the answers.

Reaching out I curled my arm around Johns, walking step in step with him.

“I don’t know what they kept down here, which is why we’re here. My search so far hadn’t been successful in finding the contents of the hold. But my thoughts were going down the same direction as yours. They were a mining company ship… they were on their way back… so… I would expect a full load?”

I turned my hazel eyes to look at him, playfully punching the arm I held onto. “Sure, this is how I act when I want to get away from someone?” He knew better. He had witnessed me running away! Even joined me at times.

•— John —•

I stopped walking. “Rey… you are way smarter now than you were with the code in your brain… You’re surviving. Not trying to kill yourself in search of some other cause. You are fighting for all of us, but for yourself too. And whatever keeps you alive, will always be the smarter choice.” I shook my head at the words that spilled out without my consent. “Because if you die we are all fucked… And we both know you're beautiful.” I winked at her so she would believe it was just more flirty banter.

Then the last part of what she said dawned on  me. “Let’s not play with boom sticks on the century-old spaceship… at least not until the planet is fit for human habitation again.”

I smiled when she linked her arm around mine and patted her arm, half teasing, half affectionate. “Good plan… you don’t know how to take it easy. This way all you have to do is match your pace with mine.” She explained what she had… or rather hadn’t learned, about the cargo hold. “Damn, now I don’t know if I want to visit the highly restricted waste disposal or the mysterious cargo bay first.”

There were those  bright gold rings around her iris again, beaming at me. I smiled. “It’s my animal magnetism.” I chuckled. “You can’t help but want to be close to me. It’s not your fault… I’m just so gorgeous that you can’t control your subconscious.” I chuckled and we walked until we were  faced with a sign. ‘Cargo Bay with an arrow one way and ‘Waste Disposal’ with an arrow in the opposite direction.

“Decisions, decisions, Reyes… What is it gonna be?”

•— Raven —•

“I know I’m intelligent, Watcher. I… well... you know. I wish I was as fast as I was down there.” Holding my finger in the air. “However, not missing the so-called naps, and the reaper stick.” Laughing now that he’d given me the exact reaction, I’d expected about setting  off the boo. Sticks.

Giving him a deep low and soft sigh before bursting out in laughter. “Animal magnetism? Aren’t you the one who was about to be eaten by the monster in the water? That’s how much the animals were supposedly attracted towards you.”

Right away I buried all of the flashing images and emotions coming rushing at me at 100 mph. What was I even thinking? Actually, this is proof that I wasn’t thinking! Being with him always made me relax, to the point where I didn’t have any guards up, which meant not being able to think clearly.

Shaking my head. “Scratch that… i really don’t want to hear any jokes about you becoming monster bait.”

“Is it really even a debate?” Pointing in the direction of the cargo bay. Come on, John. You want to see what is in there? Think about all the stories a trip in you could inspire you to tell all your new friends?” Those kids were intrigued and besotted by him.

“You know we can see if we could find more treasures and treats!” Why was I even trying to entice him? I just began  dragging him down the corridor, with the lights going out behind us, and more coming on in front.

•— John —•

This was a sentiment that we didn’t share… on the island, the code; it terrified me. “Well, I’m sorry that you miss it… but I can’t pretend I do… every time you came out with another brilliant, unthinkable plan, it frightened me… I thought… this will be the one…” The one that kills you… those words were left unsaid.

I rubbed my arm at the mention of that creepy sea creature. The scar was still thick and gnarly. Not that it was the only one I had… or even the worst. “Yeah, let’s put a hold on the nap talk too, we can save that for a wild night and a sugar crash.”

Before I could even get a word in, she was dragging me down the hallway. I laughed and looked back at the clunks behind me. The lights were switching off behind us. “Well, that's not ominous,” I muttered, looking back. Then I turned my attention  back to Raven. “Cargo bay it is! I laughed, matching my pace to hers… then slowing it, she was practically running again. “Will you slow down for once in your life, woman!” I teased her.

“Also… about that... the kids, I mean… I'm not so sure that we should encourage them to call me Seda.” I remembered the moments before we left the classroom. “It's a term of respect… an honour to the grounders. I don’t think that they would like their children using it with Skaikru… The kids just see someone teaching them numbers they don’t realise the depth of it.

Lights flashed to life ahead of us and I had to blink away the images of my dreams once more. I tightened my arm around Raven’s. I'm reminded myself:

I'm awake.

She's here.

We’re both alive.

She’s here. She’s here.

•— Raven —•

𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪…

He didn’t have to complete the sentence, for me to hear, and understand where he is coming from. I knew I messed up the moment I said it. I had been selfish in a way to give life to that thought which I knew was ridiculous. I was on a path towards death when the code was in my head. Each day could have been my last, #Abby had placed John in charge of looking after me while I worked. So, he had a front row seat to the decline of my capacity to maintain my sanity. And now, now I was telling him I missed that time and the opportunity to use the code like some lost lover? What was wrong with Me?

“I’m, sorry! I didn’t mean to romanticise what happened to me. I just….” Then I shook my head. I wouldn’t justify my mistake. So I said “I’m sorry.”

Glancing back with him again, “it’s to save power. It’s one of the main reasons why this ship is in working condition right now. Without anyone away to keep it afloat, things like that.” I pointed back over my shoulder. “Helped the ship going.” Once again, my voice had a note of surprise. “And with such basic coding and software too…. Amazing how it all words together.”

Without realising I’d sped up my pace, but John was right there to slow me down so that I wouldn’t injure myself. I did as I was told, because it would all still be there,  even if it took us five minutes more to reach it.

“Wait… why?” I asked. “Seda means teacher... and if you are teaching them something, then why…” Then I remembered. John had spent more time with the grounders. “You didn’t ask them to call you Seda, John. The children  bestowed the title upon you. I don’t believe it’s disrespectful. But... you tell me. Why do you feel this way?”

Then without warning his hands tightened. “Hey… Watcher…” Placing my other hand over his. “ I’m right here with you… We are together…” Whispering with slow calm breathing.

“Tell me what’s going on?” Concern filling my eyes.

•— John —•

I shook my head. I was ridiculous. Wasn’t I supposed to be learning to do better in my head-shrinking classes… I mean… therapy sessions. “No… I’m sorry, Raven. It happened to you… not me. You should be able to process that in any way you want to.” I pulled myself together. “I was there for most of it, you should and you can talk to me about it.”

“Hmm…” I had turned back to the darkness behind us. It was at least ten feet behind us so it really shouldn’t have mattered… right? I processed her words, at last. “Oh yeah, I know…” She was nerding  out again and I tried to watch her and not the light clicking to life ahead of us and vanishing behind us. I focused on the word #Seda.

“It’s just… It’s used with respected members of their communities, leaders and elders… seasoned warriors that take apprentices… some  like Delano may be okay but others might not take it so well.” I tilted my head. “I’ll talk to #Luna about it… see what she thinks.” She would have the best instincts. “I know the kids don’t mean to disrespect their own people… but the adults might…”

The clunking of the lights slowed as we did. My heart wasn’t as quick to slow its pace.

Her hand was on mine again and… my heart stopped… just for the span of a few beats… or maybe my brain shut down? That seemed more likely because there was my heart again, still hammering away. “Um… did you remember the medical level in the bunker… the room with the…” Where the tank was. Just say the words!

“The lights in the corridor… they were like this… turned on in front and off behind you… My… eh… Sometimes… most times. In my nightmares, I’m in the corridor but the lights just keep flickering on and on and there is no end.” I told her all of this without hesitation… But I couldn’t give her more horrors to add to her dreams, the image of her half-frozen dead body. She had plenty of her own trauma, she didn’t need mine.

“But I’m  okay… Or… I’m almost okay. In my dream I’m alone… I’m now, I’m awake… you are proof of that.” I touched her arm, wanting to assure her that I was going to be fine. “Just keep having your geek attack about energy efficiency…. It's oddly comforting.”

•— Raven —•

I didn’t tell him not to apologise, there was no point. We’d been here before; John and I both knew how to handle guilt. As in we held on to it hard! This was no different. We’d end up giving in and paying lip service, and I didn’t want that for our friendship.

We were going to do this right. It was a promise I would keep and bring him along with me.

When I came out of my thoughts, my eyebrows pulled together at how John’s demeanour had been affected by… what? He was looking over his shoulders. So, I did the same. Glancing back, but no one was there. Nothing looked out of place.

“Uhmm.. yeah…” I agreed with him. “Yeah. Luna would know how to deal with this situation without being offended by what the children have said.” Okay, I understood now where his trepidation stemmed from. I couldn’t handle it anymore; I’d been about to stop him walking. To ask him what was wrong or ask him if there was something down here giving him some form of anxiety. However, John began sharing of his own accord. Without prompting, or questioning, or even threatening  him with a boom stick!

But this is when my heart sank. My feet slowed even further as he spoke and came clean over what was going on in his mind. I was stunned into silence. Parts of his fears came freely, he was sharing, and I was listening without any judgment.

I wanted to drop his hand and draw John into an embrace, to hold my friend and show him I was here. Instead, I squeezed the hand he’d motioned towards. Half smiling, thankful I had made the correct decision when following him out of the makeshift classroom.

This is where I was meant to be. Because I was one or the reasons for this fear of his… Hells!  “I’m not going to give you false hope and say it will pass. But I am going to say… as long as I am breathing, you’ll always have me, and my geeky brain to help draw you free from your nightmares.” And I would do something about these lights, as soon as I knew what and how to work it all.

•— John —•

She stopped and listened, she heard everything I was saying. She always made the time to hear me out. She was going to draw a parallel with that corridor and her crazy, reckless, miracle cure. I didn’t need to add the thought of me finding her body into the mix of her own nightmares.

I gave her a smile and a chuckle. “What more could a man ask for?” Those gold flecks had dulled again, and I shook myself, making a silent promise to light them up again. I knew I couldn’t tell her that she gave me more hope than she knew… that she kept the nightmares away. It wasn’t fair. She had chosen to take a room to herself, she needed her space… because of course, she did, when she was sick, she was monitored twenty-four-seven… By me and the very people I had become dependent on. The people I found myself struggling to survive without one or more of them with me. Raven… alone with her… that was different.

So, no… telling her that she was my human dreamcatcher? Not an option, I couldn’t take her hard-won independence from her. She earned it. She wanted it.

Without thinking I leaned in and brushed a light kiss to her temple and whispered. “I’m glad I have you to rely on.” Because ‘Thank you.’… no, she wouldn’t accept thanks for this, she wouldn’t want it.

But my heart was racing again. And the lights still clunked. We started to walk again; her hand still  in mine, I might have my proof I was awake right here with me… but I wasn’t about to stand still long enough to let that encroaching darkness catch up to us.

‘You know you can always come and find me too, right?… if… the dreams are… well you know.” I squeezed her hand and brushed it with my thumb. “Or maybe we should scrounge up parts for those walkies you made at the drop ship.” I tilted my head… “Would they work in space?” and then I added against and distracting from what was likely the awful idea of that kiss… “Oh my god! You are turning me into a geek now!”

•— Raven —•

I knew there was something else unsaid between us, however I trusted John enough to know when he was ready, he would tell me. Maybe it was the grounder he had feelings for?

Shit! The thought only came to me now? Maybe what John had been trying to do was go see her? And then I tagged along and here he was. In the belly of a ship, in a dark corridor reminding him of his nightmares.

Fuck! I was messing up his life before I could even strengthen our friendship again. Why the hells couldn’t I think without my heart taking over when it  came to him and #Luna?

And I was holding his hand? What if this unnamed girl saw us? Okay.. fine.. she wouldn’t down here.. but what if she saw us in the main ship? What was wrong with me?

My mind was like an apiary, without the honey with just the bees with their stings  out to hit! (Or at least that’s what it felt like from all the information in the archives I gathered.) but who really knew? Miles’s name and Lizzie came to me now……

All the craziness and the thoughts went silent when my friend kissed the side of my head. Making my head go quiet to regroup. My words were my promise to him. I would have his back from this moment forward.

“I know… I know I can come find you and Luna.” But I wasn’t going to. We all had our nightmares to live with, but Luna and John They had such a hard time with theirs. I’d never add to that darkness.

I decided to turn the conversation in a different direction. “You know how I said I got you… there’s a caveat… if you mess with Abby… you’re in your own… I’m not going to get my arse grounded to my quarters because you gave her lip.” Nudging him again as we walked.

“Oh please, you were inducted into the geek squad the day you decided to help me build the distillery back at home. And you know you loved every minute of that day too. So don’t you dare deny it now.” Smiling, because somewhere there he’d found a way to bring me back.

“Well… Technically, yes walkie talkies should work up here. And now that I think of it… Maybe they actually might work somewhat better in space than on Earth, because up here in space there are far few  obstacles obcuring line of sight between the two radios. In essence the sound waves should travel better.”

Coming to a stop before two large metal doors, which looked as though they hadn’t been opened yet. Reading the words out loud.

“ＣＡＲＧＯ ＨＯＬＤ”

•— John —•

She was doing that overthinking thing again… but it was much less scary without that sword dangling over her head. She could think all she wanted and the worst-case scenario was a headache. And possibly her working herself till she fainted… but it was easy to guilt her into eating by telling her she was setting a bad example by skipping rations.

I was about to say that this was completely fair, but then I thought about it… “No deal, Reyes!! I went up against Abby on your behalf a few times! I should get at least one credit for a major screw-up  with Abby.”

I rolled my eyes so hard I swear I heard the muscles straining. “That was just working with my hands… following instructions.” I chuckled. I remembered that day… it was a good day… easy. She was happy, still working but not on something that was going to fry her mind. I wasn’t worried… or I wasn’t as worried as I had been… I just enjoyed being with my friend. “That was a great day…” I smiled… The nightmares were pushed deep into the recesses of my mind by the memories.

“The crew of the ship must have had some kind of communication system other than those tablets, right?” I was thinking of the one Abby gave me for the rations… and how there was a way to send messages between them, the doc had sent me a few regarding changes needed in nutrition for her active patients who were still  recovering.

I stopped in front of the doors with her… “Wow…” They were huge… like tall enough for two people to walk through with one standing on the shoulders of the other and the entire width of the hall.

“What the hell were they keeping in here that the needed doors this big? They were mining on a meteor, right? They were hardly using heavy machinery…” I was thinking out loud now. I motioned to the keypad… “Do you have the code?” I knew she did…she had all the codes.

•— Raven —•

My lips curled up into a big smile. See… we could do this… we could find our way back to the good medium we had reached in the manor.

“Why do you always want to fight me and batter for everything I’m not willing to give you, Watcher?” Rolling my eyes to pretend like I was  actually thinking about it before offering… “fine. One major screw up and as a gesture of goodwill, I’ll throw in a minor repair if you mess up too?”

Nodding my head. “Yeah, there is still a lot of techs we haven’t had a chance to look at. We were on kind of a time crunch.” And that still has taken me too long to get back down to my friends and the people on Earth. I pushed those thoughts down. They were for my nightmares. Not now.

“You do know me, right? Of course I have the codes.” Waggling my shoulders and eyebrows teasing him. For a moment, we needed to take the laughs where we found them. Or at least it’s what I told myself.

Shrugging my shoulders at his question on, what was on this ship. “The full picture was painted for the curiosity of the council, and sure I’d done some digging when Griffin wasn’t happy to trust the crew who survived. But I didn’t find anything out of the ordinary… well… in the official logs anyway.” However, there was a growing sense of concern growing in the pit of my stomach.

“Why do we always expect the worst from these situations?” I asked before stepping up to the keypad to punch in the master code #Miles has shared with me.

“If anything was off, we wouldn’t have been given a free run to do what we like on this ship, right?”

To Be Continued....

[adventuresinclientservice]

Do mentors matter?

In case you’re wondering why I’m posting on Thanksgiving, when most of you are celebrating a holiday rather than reading this, the answer is simple:  it’s a holiday in the U.S. but for many for my readers who call elsewhere home, it is not. For those of you who are gathering with family and friends, enjoy and be safe! 

Phi Beta Kappa, the still-prestigious-now-overlooked academic honor society I mentioned in a previous post, got in touch recently to ask if I would volunteer as mentor to another PBK member.  After saying yes, I was assigned a wicked- smart recent graduate of Cal Berkely in search of her first, “real” job.

She didn’t get to choose me and I didn’t choose her, a far from ideal situation, but even so, could I help with this?  

If you look at my website, you’ll see I specialize in “behavior change.” Getting a job and forging a career is among the most meaningful, albeit terrifying, reasons why people rely on coaches like me for help.  It’s exactly the type of behavior change I welcome.

Surprisingly, our early Zoom conversations led to a discovery:  I would learn as much from my new client as she would from me, proving the potency of simple conversation to work through a challenge.  They also reminded me of how often I’ve been the on the receiving-rather-than-giving end of such exchanges, starting with Professor A. E. Clayessens.

Claey – or “Clay” as we called him; no one could figure out how to pronounce let alone spell his last name -- was such a gifted teacher it prompted me to take eight of his classes (yes, eight, meaning 25% of my time) during my four undergraduate years at George Washington University.  Planning to be a lawyer, I was inspired to abandon that to pursue a PhD in literature, intending to become a college professor, an enormous change in my life trajectory.  

Claey’s impact was profound, but what did I learn?  A way to think, to explore, to reason, and to debate, recognizing the power of language to inspire, to motivate, and to lead.

Peter Smith oversaw the editorial group at MacMillan Publishers that hired me for my first job out of college.  The salary was embarrassing, even then -- $125 a week – but Peter was a superb editor willing to share what he knew.  

What did I learn?  Meticulousness and attention to detail, not to speak of the coded language editors use in working with writers, which would prove incredibly useful in the years to come.

When I arrived at my first real advertising agency job, I quickly found myself lost in a jangle of confusion, having no idea what I was doing or why.  Enter Kristen Wainwright, my first boss at Digitas, who remained a sea of calm in a storm of chaos.  

What did I learn?  How to navigate, survive, then ultimately thrive under duress that would doom others.

In those early days at Digitas, I was deathly afraid of having to stand in front of a client, let alone a colleague, to give a presentation.  After one deflating   stumble too many, my confidence under siege, one of the agency’s top executives, John Fletcher, stopped by my office: “You have the ability and talent to be a really good presenter, Robert, you just need to prepare a little better by rehearsing.”  

What did I learn?  The discipline needed to practice, practice, and then practice some more, until I got it almost right.

Of all the people who helped me the one who stood out was Digitas Creative Director Mike Slosberg, so much so I invoke him in my books and workshops, and find myself blogging about the immeasurable value of his counsel.

What did I learn?  So many things, more than I can possibly credit here, but above all, how a well-crafted Creative Brief is critically important to making great work.

In my early days as an unformed, ill-prepared account weenie, the people I’ve cited come to mind as I forged a path that initially became a career, then a vocation, and ultimately a calling.  On this day of giving thanks, I am deeply thankful for all these helpers, and for the many unnamed others who were generous with their time, patient with my shortcomings, and constructively critical yet supportive when I needed it most.  

Do mentors matter?  Of course they matter.  Would I refer to them as mentors?  I certainly don’t think of myself in this way; the term is just a little too lofty.  And I don’t think of the countless people who I came to rely on in this way either.

The term I prefer is friend.

[bthehufflepuff208]

So how much do you want to fucking bet that for the “Vision is Ultron” episode of “What If”, they’re basically going to sell it as:

“No matter what, whether the mind stone was used or not, Ultron/Vision would have always been created as a monster because his sole creator Tony Stark is a monster.”

To add, they’re also going to kill Tony off again, with Vision/Ultron talking about all the bullshit that was said in “Age of Ultron”, of how he’s a “sickness” and a “monster” and how he did the right thing by killing him and all that jazz.  

And I’m so fucking over it.

Like, I get it.  Tony Stark is a perfect choice for a scapegoat to hate for a good chunk of MCU fans, as he has all the things people hate:

He’s a billionaire (a born into money billionaire), which ya know, “eat the rich” and all.  He’s a man, he’s white, he’s cisgender, he’s straight (questionable to some fans, but there’s no fucking way any Marvel executives would say Tony’s bisexual or pansexual, no way).  

So due to this, most MCU fans hate his guts as he represents at least one group of people that they loathe.  I’m not saying these are the sole reasons anti-Tony people hate him, but they can’t say that it’s not at least one of the reasons.

But making him the scapegoat over and over is so fucking absurd, especially when the whole fucking point of Tony’s story is that he wants to become better, not just for his loved ones but for the world.

But with the stigma he already has with what he was born with/into, fans have absolutely no fucking trouble twisting any bad situation into blaming Tony, since he represents all the things they hate in real life anyway. 

Tony’s entire arc was supposed to show with each movie, that he wanted to become better and to truly help people.  But literally every single action Tony makes, everyone interprets it as “he’s only doing it for his ego/to protect himself.”

Tony flies a nuclear bomb into a wormhole? “Oh, he only did that because he wanted the praise of being the hero who saved the day.”  Tony wanting a defense system to protect Earth? “Oh, he only wants that because he doesn’t want to do anything to help Earth himself and wants all of the credit.”  Tony literally dying destroying an army that was going to destroy the universe? “Oh, but that doesn’t make him a hero, everything he did was always about him.  He’s still a selfish piece of shit because he didn’t want to erase his daughter (and probably millions of other children) out of existence.”  No matter what Tony does, everyone twists it as something he’s doing only for himself.

But even a little example of how everyone just twists anything and everything they can about Tony:   I saw a post talking about how they were glad Thor wasn’t friends with that “toxic piece of shit” because all Tony did throughout Endgame was mock Thor’s depression/PTSD. 

And I was like.......what fucking movie were you watching?

He did call Thor “Lebowski”, which, yes, was definitely mean-spirited.  But the entire movie?  Huhhhh?

Here’s where they twist their views to whatever they want to see.  I’ve watched Endgame over and over, and besides the Lebowski joke, I cannot come up with one point in which Tony mocks Thor.  But thinking about it, I have a pretty good idea of how anti-Tony people twisted their look on the film to see Tony mocking Thor throughout the entire thing.

In the scene where Thor is insisting on doing the snap to bring everyone back, Tony steps in and tells him he’s not in condition to do so.  In my head, and the way I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be interpreted, Tony does this because he’s concerned for Thor because he knows how bad of a place he’s in and doesn’t want to push him even further.  But to someone who hates Tony, they most likely interpreted the scene as Tony mocking Thor and calling him “weak.”  I have no fucking clue how they came to that conclusion, but I’m pretty sure that’s what they saw. 

And now, lets go back to Ultron and talk about a character and situation that infuriates me to no end.  Wanda and her involvement with Ultron.

Not only did the writers and characters of “Age of Ultron” have absolutely no problem in solely blaming Tony for what Ultron became, the majority of the people who watched it had no problem with it too. Even when in the fucking movie, it’s literally stated that Wanda manipulated his mind in hopes he would take the mind stone 

“I didn’t expect (gestures to Ultron), but I saw Stark’s fear, I knew it would control him, make him self-destruct.”

She fucking says she wanted him to take the mind stone because she knew it would cause something terrible to happen.

I’m pretty sure 99% of the reason Ultron became what he became was because of the mind stone, which was only even used in Tony’s program because Wanda basically mind controlled him into using it.  

And fucking yet.

Everyone, the characters and fans alike, were over the moon with Wanda’s bullshit “Stark can’t see the difference between saving the world and destroying it, where do you think he gets that from?” as it proved to them that Tony Stark was the monstrous villain they thought he was all along.

 AND FUCKING YET.

Tony’s whole fucking goal with the Ultron program in the first place was to protect Earth from threats he believed they wouldn’t be able to fight (and he was fucking right).  Wanda’s goal was to kill Tony, which fine, won’t get into that bullshit completely. But I’m 99% positive the scene where she lets the Hulk loose in Johannesburg that probably killed dozens of people, showed us that Wanda doesn’t really fucking care who gets killed, even if they’re innocent, as long as Tony Stark is in the body count.  And then when she finds out Ultron plans on killing everyone, which includes her and her brother, then she “see’s the light.”  BUT THEN STILL SOLELY BLAMES TONY FOR EVERYTHING SHE BASICALLY CAUSED, and the characters and the audience are like “YAS, WE STAN A QUEEN WHO EATS (AND KILLS) THE RICH!”

So coming around full circle, I’ve just had fucking enough of this scapegoating bullshit the writers have and will continue to be pulling on Tony Stark.  The “What If” Episode with Vision/Ultron will once again put the “Tony Stark was the main villain of the MCU and everything ever is his fault.”

And the fact that so many fans can and will twist anything Tony does to fit their narrative, and that the writers give them the ammunition with the scapegoating bullshit even though there’s so much evidence that shows `how truly good of a person Tony is just so fucking infuriating, disheartening, and just sad.

[kpop---scenarios]

Revenge Is A Bitch (1)

Pairing: Nichkhun x Reader | Jaehyun x Reader

Warning: Eventual smut, cheating, angst

Word Count: 1.7k

A/N: Surprise! It's now a series. Let me know if you wanna be tagged!

Summary: You're life with Nichkhun was amazing, until you went to visit him on a business trip, where you meet Jaehyun, a friend and coworker of your boyfriend. Things escalate quickly from a little flirting in a club, but things get even worse when Nichkhun finds out. "

Y/N." Nichkhun growls. "Give it back." He says, trying his best not to smile. You stand on the other side of the couch, his phone in your hand as you stick your tongue out at him. 

"You want it back?" You ask.

He nods his head. 

"Then come get it." You yell, laughing as he charges for you, bursting out into laughter as well. Sometimes you were needy, especially when you felt like he was paying more attention to his phone than you. You giggle and scream as you run around the couch, Wooyoung sitting on the couch watching the two of you in disgust. Nichkhun grabs you, pulling you into him, peppering your face in kisses. You stop fighting him and he sets you down as you both continue laughing. You give him back his phone and he slides it into his pocket before tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. 

"I love you, beautiful." He whispers. 

"And I love you." You grin, placing a kiss on his lips. 

"And I'm gonna be sick." Wooyoung groans, leaving the living room as the two of you laugh at his annoyance and disgust of your love. It had been two years of just pure bliss and happiness with Nichkhun, something you never thought you'd ever find, until you found him. 

A few hours later, you were sitting on the edge of the bed with your arms crossed as you watched Nichkhun pack a bag. As usual, a last minute business meeting came up, and he was taking off for a week. 

"Babe, where's my blue suit? The one with the stripes.. yanno?" He yells from inside the closet. As much as you didn't want to help him, you begrudgingly stood up, shuffling towards the closet to help him find the suit he needed. You roll your eyes as you walk in, and Nichkhun is on one knee, holding a ring pop, making you laugh. "I'm sorry I have to leave my love, but with this ring, I hope you remember that I love you, and I can't wait to come back to you and marry you one day." He grins. 

He always knew how to make you feel better and put a smile on your face. Some days you swore he knew you better than you knew yourself. You take the ring and stick it on your finger as he stands up. 

"Now, I actually do need my suit." He laughs. 

"You mean the one that's hanging right in front of you?" You giggle, taking it off the rack and handing it to him. 

"My savior." He grins, putting it carefully in his bag. 

"Toothbrush?" You ask him, beginning to list off the items he needs. 

"Yes!" He exclaims. 

"Underwear? Socks? Passport? Wallet? Casual clothes?" You ask. 

"Check, check, check.. where's my passport?" He asks worriedly. Despite only going to a different city, he still needed it. 

"Nightstand, left hand side." You sigh. He quickly leaves the closet, going to his nightstand as you zip up his bag, bringing it into the bedroom. 

"Like I said, my savior." He grins. 

"I'll call you when I land." He says before answering his ringing phone. "I'll be right down." 

He gives you a quick peck before heading through your lavish apartment, with you following behind him, watching him walk out the front door, leaving you alone. 

It had been a few days and you still hadn't heard from Nichkhun. This really wasn't unusual for him, considering he got very busy with work but he hadn't even sent you a goodnight text in the last 3 days, and that made you really sad. So you decided to do something about it. With a plan in your head you went to sleep, knowing you had an early morning ahead of you. 

When you woke up, you booked your last minute ticket, and began packing your bags. You felt a frisson of excitement skate across your nerve endings as you zipped up your bags and waited for your ride to the airport. You very rarely, well actually never had surprised Nichkhun, but this time it felt right. It felt like it was going to be a wonderful surprise. 

After a smooth flight, you caught a cab, and told him to go to the hotel Nichkhun was at. You felt like nothing could go wrong, this was the perfect plan, with a perfect execution. You paid the nice cab driver, who also took your bags from his car for you and you went into the lobby to wait for Nichkhun. You called his phone a few times, but he didn't pick up. You look around the fancy hotel and observe a couple who seemed to not be able to keep their hands off each other. You loved that for them. You smiled to yourself, imagining you and Nichkhun being that publicly annoying. You wished you could show your love and passion the way they were. The way they touched each other, it spoke of passion and need and familiarity. 

You looked at your phone that has now gone to voicemail six times, you glance up once more and see the faces of the couple that enter the elevator with tears in your eyes. 

**

“Welcome to Club Arriba! What can I get you to drink?”

"6 shots of your strongest liquor." You yell, slapping the credit card that Nichkhun had given you for emergencies. Clearly this was one, and so was the lavish hotel room, and the room service you had ordered before coming to the club. 

"You got it." The bartender smiles, sliding the cars off the bar. You stand there waiting for your shots when three girls approach you. 

"I love your dress." One giggles. You hold up your finger, asking for a moment before you quickly, and quite professionally down four of the six shots you had bought. 

"Thank you." You grin. You turn to the bartender and wave him over. "Four more shots for me and my new friends." You yell, taking the last two shots on the counter. 

And like that, you had made friends with some really nice girls, who bought you drinks too. The four of you were dancing, laughing and having a great time when you feel a pair of hands land on your hips. You look behind him and see an extremely handsome man smiling down at you. You don't mind, you enjoy the attention, besides it wasn't like you were getting much these days anyways. You move your body closer to his, swaying your hips to the beat of the music, while smiling at your new friends, who were also dancing with others. As you were getting more into it, you felt a hand wrap around your wrist. You look up and see a man that you absolutely recognize trying to pull you away from the other man that had begun groping you. 

"What are you doing?" You ask. Glaring at the man. You know him.. from.. Nickhun's office. "Jaehyun?" You ask. He looks at you surprised that you remembered his name. He pulls you away from the man, through the crowd to a secluded hallway. He swings you around, pushing you against the wall as he crosses his arms. 

"What the hell are you doing?" He asks. "You're in a relationship with my good friend and my boss." He hisses. 

"Mhm, are you sure you're as good of a friend as you think you are?" You ask, tilting your head to the side. 

"I don't understand what you mean." He sighs. 

Of course he doesn't. No one knows, you didn't even know until this morning. 

"What do you want, Jae? Should I blow you so you don't tell my precious Nichkhun?" You ask, pouting. 

"I would never do that to Nichkhun." He deepens. "I'm going to have to tell him about this." He finishes. 

You shrug your shoulders, pushing yourself off the wall. "Do what you gotta do." You say. “You know what I’ll help you tell him." You say, taking out your phone. Jaehyun stands there, watching you, unsure of what you're doing.  You turn around with snapchat open, and kiss him on the cheek before snapping a picture before he moves away from you.  

"What the fuck are you doing? Do you realize that this looks fucking bad?" He yells.  

"I've seen the way you look at me when I come into the office. Do you want a taste Jae? Would you like to feel me gripping you while inside me? How about how wet and warm it would feel to cum inside me? So good."  You whisper into his ear. 

Jaehyun moves back from you, looking partially offended, and partially turned on from what you said. He doesn't say anything to you, he just walks away, and you watch him disappear into the crowd. You adjust your dress and throw your shoulders back and walk back to your new friends. 

As you continue to dance, you can feel eyes on you, raking your body up and down. You look around and see Jaehyun leaning against the bar, his arms crossed as he watches you. The way your hands roam your body, the way you lick your lips as you watch him. You can feel his guard being let down as he begins to inch closer to you. The rush of victory flows through your body as he walks towards you. 

"Let me take you home." He says, offering his hand to you. He slides Nichkhun's credit card back in your purse and he weaves the two of you out of the club. 

"Are you trying to get in my panties, Jaehyun?" You ask, looking at the handsome man. 

"I'm just taking you home." He says. 

The two of you are standing outside your hotel room as you put your key in and open the door to your large suite. 

"Don't tell Nichkhun I'm here." You say, walking inside, Jaehyun following you. 

"Let's just get you to bed." He sighs. 

You stand in front of him, pulling your dress off, dropping it on the floor. You're almost naked, in front of your boyfriend's good friend, feeling nothing but lust and attraction for this man. 

Jaehyun takes a deep breath. "Fuck it." He whispers, crashing his lips onto yours, pushing you onto the bed. Your fun starts now, and soon Nichkhun will know that revenge is a bitch. 

[jessmalia]

heartless | 05. dagger

pairing: henry mills x oc a/n: yes i know it’s ironic that brighton sharbino is my face claim for max when she guest starred in ouat one time. and that the first time i use a gif of her it’s one of the ouat episode she was in. also the fact that this is the first time my face claim has the same eye color as the character but in this gif they’ve been edited to blue instead. this gif isn't mine and i can't find the source so if anyone knows who made it i would really love to be told so i can properly credit them. anyways! this is a really juicy chapter, so i hope you enjoy and please reblog and tell me what you thought.  warnings: a panic attack, talk of murder. wordcount: 1454

<<prev || masterlist || next>>

"It’s almost nine. You all set? You know what to do?" August, the new weirdo writer in town who'd shown a suspicious interest in Henry's fairy tale theory, asked. He, Max and Henry were standing across the street from Mr. Gold's shop, prepping to execute some sort of "plan" the man had devised for Operation Cobra.

 Henry nodded. "Operation Cobra is always ready."

 "Not so fast there, Scurvy Dog," said Max, stepping in between Henry and August, hard gaze locked on the man, "First, you need to explain how this has anything to do with getting Emma to believe."

 August bit his lip, glancing back at Gold's shop. "...Sometimes other priorities assert themselves."

 Max hit him on the arm, hard enough that it was clearly a warning, but not so hard she'd feel guilty if it turned out August didn't have questionable motives. "What the hell does that even mean? What's with your weird inability to give a straight answer?"

 August looked back at Max, meeting her haughty glare, and a grin spread across his face. "You're a deeply mistrusting person. I respect that."

  That stupid, smug little grin might work on other people, but to Max it was nothing; she was not amused. "I'm just making sure someone has Henry's best interests in mind," she said coolly.

  "And you're a great friend for it," August commended. "But... you know, sometimes in life, you just have to take a leap of faith."

  Max still didn't have much faith in the man, but she relented nonetheless. "Alright, but let me make myself clear," she said seriously, stepping forward and getting up in August's personal space. "If I find out that you're just using us for your own evil plan, I will hunt you down." Her voice carried such promise and her glare was so menacing that August couldn't help but gulp in fear.

  Henry sighed. "Max, we've talked about this. No threatening people."

  She didn't answer, simply taking Henry by the arm and leading him to Gold's shop so they could distract him. She kept her glare trained on August for as long as she could get away with, before she was forced to turn back to Henry. Scoffing, she said, "Oh, don't give me that look. We've talked about this before. You're too trusting, I'm not trusting at all — together, we make a sensible human being."

  Henry chuckled quietly, and together they stepped into the pawn shop.

  "Hey, Mr. Gold," said Henry as the man in question stepped out of the back room.

  "Good morning, Henry. Max," he greeted. "What can I do for you?"

  "We wanna get a gift for Ms. Blanchard."

  "Oh, I see."

  "Since she didn't kill that woman."

  "Good thinking," said Mr. Gold, and he and Henry looked for a potential gift. Max just rolled her eyes, finding the whole thing pointless. She let her eyes wander around the shop to entertain herself. It certainly worked — Max had never spent much time in the shop, and it was filled to the brim with beautiful, and — more importantly — weird ass things. She started a slow lap around the store, taking in every item, but halted when her eyes landed on something laying on a table towards the corner of the store — a bronze dagger.

  It looked handmade and was slightly rusty, but Max was drawn to it, like the dagger called her forward somehow. She tilted her head and stepped closer. Her peripheral vision blurred, the sound of Henry and Gold's conversation muffling as she stepped closer to the dagger. It was as if nothing else in the universe existed right then.

  Max carefully picked it up. She blinked, and during the couple of milliseconds where her eyes were closed, she saw flashes just like in her dreams. A dark forest. A vast ocean. And a hand holding out the very dagger that was in front of her.

  When she examined it closer, she could tell that, despite its unassuming appearance, it was expertly crafted. How she knew this, she had no idea. They had never covered weapon making at school, and it wasn't like she would've paid attention if they did, anyway.

  "How much is this?" she asked, still too transfixed on the dagger to even look up at Mr. Gold. Still, she could feel him approaching, soon standing right next to her.

  "Given the occasion, I don't think gifting Ms. Blanchard a weapon would be appropriate."

  Max gave a slight shake of her head. "No, I want it," she clarified, at last looking away from the dagger and up at Mr. Gold.

  Across the store, Henry's eyebrows rose before he frowned, examining his best friend closely. Giving such a straightforward, serious reply instead of a sarcastic one? That wasn't like her. Something must be up.

  Mr. Gold didn't answer her question right away. Instead, his eyes went over her, like he was searching for something, trying to figure something out. He must've either found it or given up, because his invasive gaze slipped away, and he muttered, "25 dollars."

  "Deal."

–––

Max sat next to Henry at Mary Margaret's welcome home party, wearing the only dress she owned. She hadn't spoken more than a couple of sentences since arriving, and she'd barely touched her cake. It was simply impossible for her to think about anything else except her new dagger, which was attached to a leg-holster she wore under her dress. All she did was sit still, stare at the wall, and trace her fingers across the weapon over the fabric of her dress.

  "So, are you gonna tell me what's up with you?" whispered Henry.

  She looked away from the exposed bricks and back at Henry. He was wearing a red sweater over his regular flannel and leaning in closer to her. "You noticed?"

  "You've been really quiet, haven't touched your cake — even though it's lemon flavored — and you haven't said anything sarcastic or threatened anyone since we stepped into Gold's shop. Yeah, I noticed."

  Max chuckled and looked down at her lap. "I don't know. There was just something about that dagger I found. I just had to have it. And I could've sworn I saw some flashes of something when I picked it up, but I can't remember them anymore." She paused to frown. This truly was an amazingly frustrating situation. "It's like how you forget a dream after waking up," she grumbled, picking at her cake.

  Excitement washed across Henry's face then. "It was probably yours before the curse, then!"

  "Yeah..." Max nodded, biting her lip. "Probably."

  Their conversation was interrupted when Emma tapped Henry on his shoulder. "Hi, why don't you guys give Mary Margret her present now?"

  Both kids nodded, standing up with the card and present in hand and turning to Ms. Blanchard.

  "Hey, we have something for you," said Henry.

  "Well thank you," said Mary Margret, and Max handed her the card. She opened it and read the message out loud. "We're so glad you... didn't kill Mrs. Nolan..."

  Max grinned. "Signed by the 7th and 8th grade!"

  "And we got you a bell!" Henry exclaimed, shaking the package.

  Mary Margret smiled. "Thank you. Tell everyone I'll be back soon."

  Henry nodded. "Okay."

  "Hey, Henry," said Emma, stepping in, "we should get you home before your mom finds out. That won't be pretty."

  "I'll tag along," Max said instantly, following Henry to the front door and putting on her trusty three sizes too big leather jacket.

–––

David Nolan ended up taking them home, despite having just arrived at the party. It was quite obvious that Mary Margret was still upset with him for asking if she had anything to do with Cathrine's "death", so Emma had assigned him vehicular babysitting instead — Henry seemed to remain oblivious, though.

  The car ride was anything but pleasant. Max felt sick. Her stomach was turning. Breath was getting ragged. Vision blurred.

  Henry turned at the sound of her loud, harsh breaths; brows furrowed. "Max, are you okay?" he asked carefully.

  She didn't answer. She couldn't. An incredible sense of dread washed over her, just like how she felt in her nightmares. Something sinister was looming over them. She was in danger. Henry was in danger. Tears streamed down her face. The vague sound of a boy screaming in agony echoing around her. She needed to place that voice, to figure out who it was. She knew, but the information was hidden from her somehow. Max tried gripping the car door to stabilize herself, but her hands were shaking too much — she couldn't get a proper grip.

"Stop the car! She's having a panic attack!"

Her head was pounding, the booming feeling of fear overpowering everything except Henry's voice.

"Max, hey, listen to me. Focus on my voice, okay?"

Okay.

"You're fine. There's nothing dangerous here. You're just having a panic attack, okay?"

She was just having a panic attack.

"Count down with me from ten, okay? Ten."

Ten.

"Nine."

Nine.

"Eight."

Eight.

The sense of fear began to subside.

"Seven."

Seven.

"Six."

Six.

She was just in David Nolan's car, sitting next to Henry.

"Five."

Five.

Her vision cleared, and she could see Henry's shining face in front of her.

"Four."

"Four."

"Three."

"Three."

"Two."

"Two."

"One."

"One."

Max fell into Henry's open arms, letting him anchor her.

She needed to make an appointment with Dr. Hooper.

–––

heartless taglist: @jochase​

[kellinrk800]

toko fukawa comphet no i don’t take criticism

nobody will even see this because my account just. doesnt get traction but here have a ramble abt toko’s backstory and how much i firmly believe her attraction was comphet.

spoilers for thh, sdr2 and udg

tw// ab/se, n/glect, severe bullying

toko was severely neglected and unwanted when she was a child. she grew up with two mothers and one father due to both sleeping with the same man and neither wanting their child which caused her to be mistreated. once she was locked in a closet and forced to stay there for three days without food. clearly, she grew up in a household completely devoid of healthy love. genocide jack’s development was likely a response to cope with the traumatic experiences.

her time in elementary was no different. in third grade, she was used as a scapegoat for stolen money and her classmates tied her to the jungle gym with a garden hose as punishment.

her first real “love” was with a boy who she had been friends with since elementary but when she finally confessed through a letter, she found it pinned to the bulletin board to mock her. this was genocide jack’s first kill, leading me to believe that her murders were actually a form of protection.

on one occasion (and most likely more considering her difficult relationship with understanding rejection) she was ghosted halfway through on a date after spending three days and nights planning it so that she would not mess it up. she later found out that the boy only asked her out because he lost a bet.

the most likely only healthy representation of love she ever has was through media, which is arguably extremely heteronormativity and the actual healthiness of how relationships are presented in media is debatable.

she internalised all of these things happening to her and believed she deserved them somehow, building her inferiority complex. she began to assume that people only expected bad of her and self victimises herself almost on instinct despite her nature to express opinions without care for others most of the time. her self esteem is extremely low and she often worries about being considered an “old hag” in ultra despair girls.

toko fell in love with the idea of love, not an actual person. at some point she turned to novels and writing as a way to express her emotions and she used that passion to create works of art through her novels and created a toxic idolisation of the perfect relationship with nothing but media, her family’s relationships and her past experiences to go off.

she began to let herself get hurt and internalise it which ended up building her inferiority complex even further to the point of becoming unhealthily infatuated with anyone she saw fit as a stand in for the dreamy perfect people that made her books succeed.

time and time again genocide jack and toko were mistreated in their relationships, causing their system to suffer greatly. jack began to kill anyone toko saw fit as a perfect romantic interest to protect them both, but this most likely caused her own mental health to decline as well, leading to the aggressive, startling and manic personality we saw in the games.

toko began to both idolise and fear falling in love. while she knew they would most likely be killed and she would have to cope with knowing that the police could come knocking any day if they put the pieces together, she also still purposed her life around being in a perfect relationship because it was now causing her to gain traction through her novels.

this only furthered her unhealthy infatuation with relationships. she became determined to find a man who fit her description of the perfect man and would not mislead, use, mock or hurt toko in hopes that he would not be killed and she would finally achieve her dream.

enter byakuya togami. blonde, blue eyed, rich, cold and most importantly, entirely unattainable. he was an ideal stand in, especially considering the circumstances of the killing game (jack’s unique killing style would immediately be found out). she was able to fantasise from afar without ever really getting as severely hurt as she had in the past because he simply did not care to provide her his attention.

jack had two options. kill byakuya and get executed, or suck it up. clearly you can tell which option she chose. in addition, she had all of her memories from prior to the game which most likely slightly numbed her thirst for blood. by the end of ultra despair girls, she has grown a respect for toko, a softness for komaru and even calmed jack down to the point where it’s suggested that she no longer uses her skills to murder but instead fight despair.

in fact, near the end, toko is acutely aware of what is happening despite the fact jack was fronting (they don’t usually share memories, only emotions), suggesting they may have slightly integrated but i don’t really want to make assumptions considering i do not have did and am not educated enough to speak confidently about did.

ironically, the killing game was actually good for both of their mental health’s. i’ll only be talking about toko but in ultra despair girls she was emotionally stronger and more mature. she believed she finally had a purpose other than romance and that she could fight against all odds. she even credits makoto for her newfound courage. she criticises cowards and those that remind her of her past self. she is willing to challenge her fears.

komaru had an amazingly powerful and positive effect on them both. her softness, optimism and empathy help toko’s character develop even further. when komaru tries to give in to despair, toko encourages her to face her fears. toko, who was before extremely afraid and uncomfortable with being touched, is now willing to comfort and even hug komaru. she claims she’s finally found a true friend (that’s actually human, can’t forget kameko the stinkbug) and that she found hope in her.

komaru admires toko and doesnt really mind her split personality, instead just considering it “a bit strange”, which is a noticeable difference from how she was treated by everyone else for it. toko is protective of komaru during chapter two due to her suspicion of shirokuma. later, they even sleep in the same bed.

however, when toko risks komaru’s life for byakuya, they get into an argument in which toko accuses komaru of manipulating her with terms such as “friends”, which leads to komaru showing that she really does trust her.

later, this arguably resolved after servant forces jack and toko to fight against komaru for byakuya. they fight back against servant and komaru forgives her because they are friends, which makes toko extremely happy, so much that she blushed and admits she has never had a real friend before. she thanks komaru genuinely for the first time and they try to become real friends.

toko swears she will help komaru with anything she can’t do by herself, just like komaru would do for her.

toko even stays by her side to the point of rejecting the opportunity of going to future foundation to stay with komaru :)

in the end of danganronpa goodbye despair, which is set after ultra despair girls, kyoko reminds byakuya that someone is waiting for him and he jokes that she shouldn’t remind him of “something so horrifying”. and honestly i think the fact he was able to joke about it shows that perhaps toko and byakuya found a somewhat healthy relationship as friends, acquaintances, or even just bearing eachother’s presence.

a notable addition that didn’t really fit anywhere else is toko’s scrapped execution. “first kiss prank” is the title and it consists of byakuya running towards her before toko gets hit by a roller. that says enough about her biggest fears and how badly her past memories affected her.

in conclusion, toko fukawa’s obsession with byakuya was comphet due to pressure from the media and her toxic ideals. the fact she was able to form a healthy relationship with komaru is hhh and i could talk about them for hours. tokomaru is the second closest thing we have to inmedia stated canon (fuck kodaka’s statement me and the homies hate kodaka’s statement about naegiri /j)

sources: toko fukawa’s fandom wiki, genocide jack’s fandom wiki, free time events, transcripts

[squishneedsahero]

Without Direction

The Lost Padawan Part 1

Word Count: 1842

You were raised in the Jedi order, Padawan of Jedi Master Obiwan Kenobi.

You were breathing heavily, heart beating out of your chest as you could only pray no one noticed. You had no idea what was happening, but the Clones had all turned, suddenly going and killing all of the Jedi in one swoop. Master Kenobi had left you at the temple while he went after general Grievous and that was apparently too dangerous for a Padawan. This of course had you upset and feeling useless, so you had been messing around when everything went down. This messing around had ended up saving your life, why you had access to Clone armor wasn't important, but you deciding at that moment to try it on had saved your life.

Now you were still in the armor, but on a ship going who knows where as you just needed to get away from Coruscant as fast as you could. No one questioned why a Clone was on a passenger ship off world but you could only be grateful that they didn't. You could only stand there, stiff backed and unspeaking as you traveled.

Sooner than expected you land and are able to get off of the ship, quickly getting as far away from anyone from Coruscant as you can, talking someone into giving you some clothes from their stall as you did so. You run off and change before getting out of town.

You fall to the ground as you find somewhere that seems somewhat safe to stop. You pull out your lightsaber and study the hilt as tears form in your eyes. The adrenaline was wearing off and the reality of everything that had happened was setting in. You had lost everyone in a single day. Your Master was gone and dead along with all the other Jedi, the Clones you had thought to be friends weren't, everything was taken from you just like that.

You spend the night on the ground, always somewhere between sleeping and crying as all of you just hurt and you felt lost. You were still only a child, yes you were well enough trained to be a Padawan learner but being executed alongside all the other Jedi for warcrimes you hadn't committed made no sense. It was all you could do to keep yourself from completely falling apart, here you were, the last Jedi alive in the entire galaxy and you were just a lost child.

The next day things look no better,  but you get up anyways, dumping the armor before going back into town. You luckily had a few credits in your pocket so you didn't have to use the force to convince someone to give you food. As you eat you are able to sit down and almost relax a little, unfortunately a transmission of Senator Palpatine from Coruscant begins to play across all the screens in the area.

"Citizens of the civilized galaxy," Palpatine begins, "on this day we mark a transition. For a thousand years, the Republic stood as the crowning achievement of civilized beings. But there were those who would set us against one another, and we took up arms to defend our way of life against the Separatists. In so doing, we never suspected that the greatest threat came from within."

"The Jedi, and some within our own Senate, had conspired to create the shadow of Separatism using one of their own  as the enemy's leader. They had hoped to grind the Republic into ruin. But the hatred in their hearts could not be hidden forever. At last, there came a day when our enemies showed their true natures."

Your heart is in your throat and you can hardly swallow your food as you hear him announce these things. You, y/n l/n, had been at Master Kenobi's side for years and he along with the other Jedi leaders had wanted nothing more than for the war to end. But none of that mattered now, the Jedi were gone, the Jedi Order had been wiped out, and only these blatant lies would succeed in reaching the ears of the public. You get up and walk away, back into the wilderness with your few supplies you had been able to grab, planning to just stay here on Saleucami until things settled enough you could get away unnoticed.

You spend nearly a week of your time traveling through the wilderness until you come to another town large enough to have a space port. The place is crawling with Clones but it was obvious that Palpatine was trying to gather things as quickly as possible to maintain his control over the galaxy, meaning the Clones weren't paying any attention to a random teenager. At this point your face is coated with a layer of dirt, which you don't mind since it adds to hide your identity.

Your first stop is to once again get some food and replenish your supplies as well as find a way to earn a few credits for later. It's as you're looking over a fruit stand that you feel a nudge from the force and two men talking nearby catch your attention. It doesn't take you long to recognize the faces, or face, the one face you had to have seen thousands of variations of, many the same but each with a different person behind it. They were clones.

The thing that had you so focused on them was the fact that they weren't wearing their armor, along with the fact that anytime other clones passed by they hid their faces from view. You try not to stare but you keep an eye on them, something was drawing you to them but you couldn't bring yourself to trust a couple stray clones on the spot like that.

Following them from a distance you are able to see that they are avoiding the other clones and one of the two you feel you recognize. He has a tattoo covering nearly half his face and you know you had fought beside him at one point, not that that meant a whole lot at this point. They stop and you can hear them talking about getting off world, they clearly don't want to be caught and it is as they are leaving town that you decide you can trust them.

You follow from a distance, trying to stay undetected, not sure how to approach them but the force was pulling you to do so. It isn't until you are well out of town that you begin trying to approach them, and it isn't until you get close to them that you realize something is off, they had realized they were being followed.

"Who are you?" The tattooed one asks loudly as they turn to face you, guns drawn.

Your heart is yet again in your throat as you step out into the open, both hands in front of you in an attempt of showing you mean no harm. You don't want to answer their question so you make a statement of your own, "you're clones."

You can see their grips on their guns change and you raise your hands a little higher, "I promise I don't mean any harm- I'm just wondering why you two aren't helping the others," you quickly explain, praying they won't shoot.

"Answer our question and might answer yours."

You take a deep breath, okay you can do this, it's just a matter of trust, and your life. Leaving one hand up in front of you you use the other to remove the hood you were wearing and then reach into the folds of your cloak to take out your lightsaber, holding out the hilt without igniting it, simply showing it to them. "I just need to know why the two of you are different."

The two men are more than a little surprised to see the lightsaber in your hand and share a glance between themselves. The fact that you were willing to show your face and the fact that you were one of the Jedi truly meant that you meant no harm.

Hunter looks at Cut for a moment and in almost a whisper says, "I recognize them, they're a padawan." From there he looks back to you and more loudly says, "come closer and we can talk," seeing as you were nearly a hundred feet away.

You take a breath as you move closer, hoping they wouldn't mind the tight grip you had on your saber, considering that they still had yet to put their guns down. You do a decent job at keeping your emotions down and hidden but the two clones know that you're scared, only a few years older than the children they had waiting for them.

Your eyes are locked on Hunter as you get closer, finally placing him and saying softly, "you're Hunter," you glance at the other but know you haven't a clue who he is, "with clone force 99... right?" you ask gently.

Cut nods and puts his gun away, "don't worry kid you don't have to hold your lightsaber so tight, we aren't going to kill you. And yes this is Hunter," he answers you, recognizing how sacred you really were, "I'm Cut, can I ask who you are?"

Your grip relaxes as he holsters his gun, then nudges Hunter to do the same with his gun. You can't bring yourself to let go of the hilt of your saber but you do at least let it drop to your side in a relaxed position. "I'm y/n l/n, Master Kenobi's padawan learner."

That's when Hunter nods, realizing that was when he recognized you from, he and the others of the bad batch had sometimes reported to Cody, the commander under General Kenobi. "So, why were you following us?"

"I- uh-" you stutter a bit as you try to get your thoughts together. You pause another beat before deciding to just share why it was you had followed them, "all of the clones turned against the Jedi and exterminated them, I lost everyone I knew and the two of you are different, you didn't kill me on sight... you were hiding from the other clones... like I am."

Thats when things begin to click for Hunter, while he had lost a close friend he still had the others. You on the other hand had lost everything and everyone, having nothing but a lightsaber and to be killed if recognized. "Okay kid, we aren't sure why the others turned but we are trying to figure it out. We're getting Cut and his family off this planet, then leaving ourselves."

Cut looks at Hunter for a moment then says, "you're welcome to come back to my family's farm with us, take a moment to relax, I'm sure you're tired."

You look at the two, and it's a moment before you accept the offer. There was still hesitation and fear running through your veins, but you had survived a war, you had grown up on the battle field, you could survive this too.

[sailor-manga]

First Kiss HC’S! [Date edition]

A/N I was feeling sawft, and I wanted to do something cute so yeah.. That’s really it- Hope you like it :D Doing four now and four more tomorrow and if you guys like it I’ll do others too <3 Also you get a sneak peek of the lovely banners that @queensynderella​ made me for my masterlist hehe <3

Warnings: Freaking CUUUUTENESSSS

✴ First off, it really depends on what the mood is in terms of Midoriya making the first move or not. If it’s a date planned by him and if executed perfectly, you best believe he’s going to seal a perfect night with a kiss.

✴ Treating you to a movie night with your favorite snacks, sets the perfect mood and gives you two the perfect privacy for him to do the old big yawn trick to slip his arm around your shoulders, and if you put your head on him? That arm is slipping right down to wrap around your waist, keeping you as close as he can. 

✴ At first you can feel him trembling a little bit, but as you two sit there intertwined in each other, it stops and soon you feel a small nudge against your hair, when you look up he’s staring at you with those gorgeous emerald hues. You ask “What’s wrong?” and he simply chuckles “Nothing is wrong, you’re just beautiful is all..” he’d say softly, his breath faintly caressing your cheeks. 

✴ That’s his opening, because once you’re flustered from such a genuine statement, he leans in and captures your lips, causing you to let one singular gasp escape from your nostrils. His lips are soft, and faintly taste of buttered popcorn from your snacks. At first you’re a little stunned, you didn’t give the male much credit in terms of making the first move, but you’re genuinely into it. 

✴ Soon a hand would come up and caress your hair, and he would tilt his head to deepen it just for a moment before pulling away and pressing a forehead against yours, just sitting with you in silence while the movie plays in the background, making you finally lean forward and hug into him, resting your head against his chest. 

✴ IF the date isn’t perfect like he wanted, he would be more sulky and you would make the first move, leaning up and pecking his lips sweetly “It’s okay, Midoriya~ I still enjoyed myself and I hope to do this again” you’d say with a smile, causing the male to ignite into a gorgeous yet vivid rose color “R-Really?? Of course! I would like to as well..” 

✴ A first kiss with Bakugou could go so many different ways, but the way I’m seeing it.. After countless days of the bakusquad pestering him, he finally agreed to take you out. There had always been odd tension between you two, it was clear as fucking day that you two were into each other, but both stubborn in your own ways. 

✴ For someone who was forced to do this, the date is actually nicely planned out. He knows you’re into nerd shit, so he takes you to a few game stores as well as a small bar that is also a really cool retro arcade. Regardless of how much he’s telling you that he doesn’t want to be here, he kindly pays and gets quarters for you, and idly stands behind you, watching you play games- and at some point, he becomes oddly curious and decides to be your player two. 

✴ Once he’s finally starting to feel comfortable, you two go out to eat and surprisingly, while you two are walking into the diner, he grabs your hand and walks with you rather than behind you.

✴ Once again, the male surprises you and sits next to you in the booth rather than across from you, and the first thing the over confident blonde does is rest a hand on your thigh, his thumb carefully gliding against the fabric of your pants, but it doesn’t seem malicious.. He actually starts to talk about his day, his training routines and dealing with the Bakusquad which earned quite a bit of laughs. 

✴ As you two eat, you get up the nerve to ask him why he had to be pestered to ask you out and of course he has nothing but excuses “I’m working hard to surpass stupid Deku- I don’t need girls standing in my way” or “Listen dumb ass, you could have asked me out too!” he’d bark, causing you to look down a little.. You knew that regardless of what he said you were both confused, but one thing you did know was you liked him. 

✴ By the time it was for you two to say goodnight to each other, you’d both stand in front of your door and he would stare down at you like you did something wrong “What” you’d say blinking softly “This is the part where you kiss me goodnight, I paid for you all night it’s the least I should get” he would say with a scoff. You would huff and cross your arms “You know.. That SHOULD be your job..” you’d say, lifting a finger to scold him, but he seals the deal, leaning forward and pulling you close, smashing his lips against yours a little roughly, but the kiss itself is as sweet as can be. 

✴ This kiss would last a little longer than the ‘standard’ first date kiss, because of the blonde aggressively shoving his tongue into your mouth, and you very much enjoying it.. What you assumed would be a simple kiss was now a steamy make out for your neighbors to gossip about in the morning. When he’d finally break it, he’d push some hair out of your face and smirk “I’ll text you, dumbass..” he’d say in an oddly sweet tone before waving goodbye and heading back to his car. 

✴ Tenya’s middle name is in fact ‘Perfect Gentleman’. When he asked you out, you were surprised because you’ve always been good friends, and he is SUCH a good guy, why would you say no? 

✴ When he picks you up, he meets you at your door, walks you to the car, opens AND closes the door for you, and even waits until you’re settled before he pulls off. While you’re driving, he’ll hand you the aux cord and tell you to play what you want, and even if it isn’t his thing, he’s always willing to give your likes a chance, so he vibes with you. 

✴ When you get to a fancy looking restaurant, he would make you stay in the car so he could open the door for you as you walked in, he would have his hand respectfully against the middle of your back, leading you to the seats that he made reservations for. 

✴ Regardless of him being a little uptight, he seems to let loose and you two talk about everything, especially the old highschool days, and how he wished he would have asked you out a little sooner, but glad he finally did. 

✴ While you were eating, he would do cute things like offer for you to try his meal, or ask if you wanted dessert, he even let you know if you got a little something on your chin. He was honestly just the sweetest thing ever, and you felt a little dumb too.. You should have seen what a good guy he was before now. 

✴ When the date was over, he would drive you home and walk you to your door, carrying your carry out for you.

✴ As you reach the front door, he would bow his head to you “Thank you so much for giving me the chance to take you out, Y/N.. I -.. Really like you, I always have” he’d say in a deep tone, lifting his head to meet your gaze, smiling softly as the blush dressed along your soft cheeks. “I.. I like you too, Iida” you’d reply, making him close his eyes for a moment and let out a relieved hum “Please, I want you to call me Tenya from now on” he’d reply.

✴ You would nod with a giggle and then he would slowly lean in, making sure you had time to dodge that shit in case you didn’t want it, but you wouldn’t move, and soon your lips would connect in a soft, respectful kiss. It would only last for a second, but that was okay, he was only being mindful of you. 

✴ Finally, he would bow his head “Have a good rest of your night, Y/N.. I'll tell you, okay?” he’d say sweetly before letting you walk inside before he made his way back to his car. 

✴ Ok, so you very much know this boy likes you, it’s so painfully obvious.. Every time you go hang out with the bakusquad he’s on you like a fly on shit, and you think it’s rather cute.. But finally one day, he nonchalantly asks you to hang out, just the two of you and you happily agree, because regardless of how cool you normally played it, you liked him as well. 

✴ When you get there, he initially lets you in with a big smile, but of course when you walk in, he stays at the door so he can not so secretly look at your ass. You knew it was innocent though, Kaminari would never just.. Jump your bones. 

✴ The night he planned was simple, you’d bring your switch as well as some snacks. When you got into his living room area, it seemed as if he made a cute little nest of pillows and blankets on the floor for you two to sit and game, and when you did settle into your spot, Kaminari would sit right next to you, arm to arm and offer you a drink. 

✴ You would both settle on something like Mario Kart, and honestly? You lost track of time so quickly.. Between you two joking around or calling out the other for a blue shell.. It just felt right being there with him, it was just so easy. 

✴ In the midst of playing though, Kaminari would inch in different ways every other game until he was between your legs, using your breasts as a pillow.. And honestly? That was so okay.. You had been having such a good time, cuddling had been on your mind for the whole duration of your little date. 

✴ Finally after countless rounds, he would set his controller down and snack on some chips, you couldn’t help but pet his hair and it caused the male to tense a little and look up “I take it.. You’re enjoying the date? I’m sorry I couldn’t take you out anywhere.. I just really thought private would be better” he’d say with pursed lips. You’d giggle and nod “I am enjoying myself a lot, Kaminari.. I’m glad we didn’t go out” you’d reply with a bright smile. 

✴ The air would grow heavy suddenly, only the faint video game music filling the room as you two locked eyes and just stared at each other, but finally.. Kaminari would shift until he was on his hands and knees, dangerously close to your face as he bit his lip and pressed his forehead against yours. You being the impatient person that you are.. Close the rest of the distance and you would jump feeling a slight shock on your lips when they met. 

✴ As the new sound of soft kisses overpowered the music, he would loom over you until your back was against the pillows and he would pull away just to look down at you with a hum “Do you.. Maybe want to just crash here tonight?” he’d ask with a seductive yet charming smile “Yes.. I would like that a lot” you’d whisper back up at him before stealing yet another kiss for him. 

✴ [Face it, first anythings with Denki is going to end up with you staying the night >:3] 

[emerald-chaos]

Already Gone

**gif not mine, credit to the owner below!!**

Oh hohohohoho besties. You are in for it on this one. The other night I had an idea that popped into my head and to say I got carried away with it would be a gross understatement. This is the first time I've written smut in forever so bear with me as I get back in to it. I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. As always, please feel free to send feedback!

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 5.3k (oops)

Warnings: Smut, 18+ (MINORS DNI), language, ANGST (holy shit is there angst), fingering, unprotected sex (please be smarter than these two), infidelity, and I think that's about it? Please let me know if I left something off.

A/N: Thanks to my sweet, sweet friend who read through this for me and helped me fix a few things. Also I take the, MINORS DNI, warning very seriously, so please only interact if you are of age. Please have your age in your bio so I can confirm. By clicking "read more" you agree to this. I really don't want to have to block people.

The cacophonous trill of shattering glass erupted through the space. Raised voices, thick with rage, echoed off the walls. It was difficult to tell which words were coming from which mouth, the both of you overlapping as you spewed out hatred toward one another.

“What in God’s name is going on here?!” Steve shouted as he entered the room, coming back from a late night run at the most inopportune time.

“Stay the fuck out of it!” Your two voices shrilled together as you both pointed toward Steve.

You could feel your chest heaving and it almost felt as though you were foaming at the mouth. Rage was completely consuming every crevice of your body and spilling out into your actions and your words. You turned back to the object of your aggression and watched as he ran a hand through his hair and turned to walk away from you.

“You’re nothing but a coward, James Barnes. A goddamn selfish, son-of-a-bitch, coward!” You screamed with every ounce of energy you had left in your body.

The two of you had some knock-down drag-outs in your past, but it was nothing compared to this. Months of pent up feelings, insecurities, jealousies, and secrets were all coming to a head at this very moment. The last few months the two of you had been incredibly short with one another - a stark contrast from your usual loving tone. Passionate kisses became brief pecks to the cheek, midnight roaming hands became backs set to one another, and ‘i love you’s’ felt more like a habit than a genuine feeling. In your heart you feared it would come to this one day. No matter how hard you tried, how much you wanted to, you were never going to be able to fix what had been done to the man you loved. There was no amount of love in the world that could reverse the tragedy of the Winter Soldier - at least that’s what you were convinced of now.

The man in front of you turned and strode across the room, minimizing the space between the two of you. His metal hand in a fist as he brought it up to jab a finger into the middle of your chest. Pupils were blown wide, what was once a lustful look was now filled with only pure anger. As he opened his mouth to speak, spit flew into your face.

“And you are a self-righteous, ignorant, self-important bitch!”

As your eyes raked over the contorted facial features of the man standing in front of you, you realized you couldn’t recognize them. The man standing in front of you was not Bucky. It was not the man who twirled a strand of your hair when he sat with his arm behind your chair, not the man who pulled over the car to help a turtle cross the road, and definitely not the man who held you in his arms as he cried after a nightmare. The man standing in front of you was a frightening enigma of hatred and rage. This was not your Bucky. In fact, you were almost certain you lost your Bucky months ago.

* * *

You hadn’t noticed the bouncing of your knee until the man who sat beside you gently cupped it with his hand, stilling your nervous movements. It was enough to break you from your thoughts as you turned your head to meet his kind eyes.

“We don’t have to do this, you know. I’ll have them turn the car around and we’ll go back to the airport. We catch the next flight back home.” He whispered in reassurance. Even though your mind was anxiously racing, you couldn’t help but smile at the compassionate gesture.

“Of course we do,” you started, cupping his cheek with your hand as the sunlight glinted off your pristine wedding ring, “Tony was one of the most important people in my life. Plus, I’m pretty sure he would haunt me if I didn’t go to his funeral.”

8 years ago you promised yourself in the taxi ride to the airport that you would never step foot in this place again. That all changed when you got the news of Tony’s death. Your time working with the Avengers was a life-changing experience and it was all thanks to Tony. The memory of him seeking you out to work alongside Dr. Banner in the research lab was one that you could never forget. Tony was an arrogant, pompous asshole but he was undeniably a good man. You would curse yourself for the rest of your days if you let your own baggage get in the way of that.

“Alright,” your husband responded with a sigh as he squeezed your knee, “But please, promise you’ll tell me if there’s anything I can do for you.”

“Promise.” An agreement that you sealed with a kiss.

Mike was a good man, he was someone who cared for you deeply and who made you feel safe. After your transfer to the DC Shield Office, you had sworn off any more office romances. Those never ended well. That was until your path crossed with Mike. From the beginning of the relationship, you were upfront about your past issues with relationships and how you weren’t ready to dive into anything and he simply stated that he was okay with that, that he would wait.

The marriage was a happy one, Mike always playing the role of doting, caring husband. No matter how much you pushed back against him, he was always willing to give you space and to let you feel what you were experiencing. Mike was a good man. But he wasn’t him.

Your gaze left his as your eyes returned to the skyline, the familiar pressure clawing its way back to your chest. It’d been 8 years since you saw him. 8 years since you packed your bags and left the only home you’d ever truly known. Sure, you had this new life - a new husband, new friends, new job with similar duties, but there was still a piece of you that was missing. A piece you knew could never possibly be filled again. You had come to terms with that, slowly, but it had happened eventually. Now that you were back, you knew you were going to have to see him again - see all of them again. While a lot of good memories resided within this area, there was a hell of a lot of pain that went along with it. All you could do in that moment was remind yourself that you were here for Tony - to honor his memory and pay your respects. You didn’t owe anything else to anyone else. Something in your chest, however, told you that wouldn’t be the way things played out.

* * *

The service was beautifully executed. It was obvious that Pepper had poured her heart and soul into ensuring that Tony Stark was remembered as he should have been. The walls of your heart tightened as you saw Pepper clutching their young daughter to her side. Although Tony had made a lot of mistakes in his life, he spent his last years making sure to do good and to make things right. While it felt like a hot knife had been stabbed into your chest as you said goodbye to a once dear friend, you took solace in knowing that Tony was so loved by so many. That his legacy would live on in so many different ways. And that Pepper was there to say goodbye.

It had been your plan to attend the service and then leave immediately after it had ended. Of course, life has a funny way of never doing quite what we want it to.

It was Sam who stopped you first, pulling you into a tight hug against his form as your fingers gripped his jacket. Sam, being the angel he was, never once mentioned anything from the past and instead expressed his happiness with seeing you again and learning that you were doing well. The one thing Sam was not good at however, was keeping his mouth shut. Word quickly traveled through the crowd of your attendance and one by one old friends began to find you. Wanda didn’t have much to say but kept you in a grateful embrace while you expressed your condolences for Vision. In a shocking turn of events, It was actually Peter who was the most difficult to see. The once bright, happy-go-lucky, smiling boy was visibly devastated - heavy dark bags lingered under his eyes and his glow had been severely dimmed by the loss of his mentor. You couldn’t help but cry as you held him in your arms, expressing to him how proud of him Tony was and how he’d told you just that on several occasions.

After the hellos, the hugs, and the reminiscing you had told yourself that was it, that you were going to leave. It was then that Pepper stopped you with a soft hand on your shoulder, a kind smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, and a warm embrace. After a pause of silence, she pulled away and invited you and Mike to stay for the gathering that had been planned following the service. Your mind screamed at you, begging you to politely decline - tell her you had to get back to DC, that you had a flight already booked that you couldn’t miss, that you had important business to get back to.

“Of course, Pepper. We’d love to.”

* * *

The gathering was exactly what Tony would have wanted. It was family and friends gathered around eating and drinking, but most of all - it was a bunch of people talking about Tony Stark.

You told Mike before the two of you arrived that you would stay for 20 minutes tops. That it simply would be out of respect for Pepper and once you felt your presence had been noted that the two of you would slip out unnoticed in the sea of people.

That was 2 hours ago.

Laughs came easy, tears flowed frequently, and stories were shared amongst friends. Surprising to you, it felt good to be around these people again. A familiar pang of home would hit you every now and again as you reconnected with those who you hadn’t seen in years. You introduced Mike to your old friends, who welcomed him warmly and with open arms. What you had thought would be a stressful, gut-wrenching day had actually turned out to be a joyful celebration of life. The day had been progressing smoothly and you wanted to chastise yourself for being so pessimistic.

That was, until you saw him.

Hands stuffed into the pockets of a black bomber jacket, long chestnut hair falling onto his shoulders, and a familiar collection of facial hair decorating the lower half of his face. He looked as terrible as you felt at the beginning of the day. Dark circles had only grown more prominent beneath his beautiful blue eyes and the corners of his lips were drawn down in a permanent frown. You couldn’t help but notice that he’d lost a considerable amount of weight. The once broad, thick man was now far more lean and toned than you ever remember him being.

A breath caught in your throat as the cerulean eyes met yours. Unable to stop yourself, you shoved your drink into Mike’s chest and hurried off to the nearest bathroom. Barely making it in time, you emptied your day’s stomach contents into the toilet. Breathing heavily, you fought back sobs as they threatened to leave your throat. To anyone else, it may seem you were simply grieving the loss of your friend, perhaps taking it harder than most. Oh how you wish that were the case.

You knew it would be difficult to see him again, but you didn’t expect it to feel as though someone had set your entire body ablaze. The heavy feeling of grief, anxiety, and stress from the beginning of the day was crushing your lungs, your stomach still trying to lurch although it had nothing left to give up, and tears burned the rims of your eyes. As you cleaned yourself up and flushed the toilet, you exited the stall to wash your hands and rinse your mouth. You tried to convince yourself it was the entire day's worth of emotions that had led you to this moment. That man no longer had this kind of hold on you - you had moved on. Or, so you thought.

Slowly, your gaze met your reflection in the mirror. The woman there looked worn and tired, like she had been fighting a raging war that she had been losing miserably. Mascara had begun to run down the apples of her cheeks and lipstick was smeared across her mouth. A heavy sigh left your lips as you did your best to make yourself more presentable. A shaky hand entered your clutch as you retrieved your lipstick and applied another layer. You gave yourself a final once-over and decided that your current appearance was as good as it was going to get. Just as you were going to turn around and return to the party there was movement in the mirror that caught your eye. The door was being pushed open from the outside. You turned to protest, to let the intruder know that the bathroom was occupied.

“Excuse me, sorry, there’s someone--”

It felt as though all the air had been taken from your lungs and your heart threatened to beat out of your chest as you came face to face with the man you had tried so hard, for so long, to forget. It was as though you were frozen in time, as if he were Medusa - turning you instantly to stone. Logically, the thing to do would be to tell him to get out or for you to leave the bathroom so that he could occupy the space alone. However, all you could do was stand and watch as he closed the bathroom door behind him, as his fingers closed around the lock and clicked it into place.

Then it was just the two of you. Bodies unmoving, aside from the rapid rise and fall of your chests in tandem. The air felt 100 degrees warmer than it had when you were alone. The silence, paired with the thump of your heartbeat, was deafening to your ears. You were hyper-aware of his gaze as he studied you the way you had him not minutes before. His eyes finally met yours once more and there was a poignant silence before he finally spoke.

“Can’t believe you still have that dress.”

Your eyes blinked a few times, brain trying to process his words and the situation you had currently found yourself to be in. You looked down to the front of your dress and smoothed your hands down it. How could you have gone the whole day without realizing that the dress you were wearing had been a gift from Bucky on your first anniversary? You were positive you had rid yourself of anything even remotely related to him. In fact, you distinctly recall dumping a box of momentos into a barrel and tossing a lit match inside. You don’t remember making the conscious decision to keep the dress, or why you would have made the decision. Now here you were - mere feet away from the man who had put it on and so delicately took it off of you many times.

“S’perfectly good dress. Shouldn’t go to waste.” Was all you could muster as a response in that moment.

The man before you took a step forward and you took a step back, hips coming into contact with the cold marble counter of the sink.

“Thought I’d never see you again. Y’look...different.” His gaze roaming its way down your body once more.

As his eyes landed on the diamond ring nestled onto the 4th finger of your left hand, you felt a lump begin to form in your throat.

“Congratulations.” His words were cold. Inauthentic. “He’s a lucky guy.”

“What the fuck are you doing in here, James?” The words were supposed to be sharp, but instead came out shaky and insecure.

“Saw you out there, starin’ at me. Guess I just wanted a closer look at you.”

By the end of the sentence he had closed the gap between the two of you even more, chests threatening to bump one another. His metal hand slowly reached forward and brushed a piece of hair off your shoulder. The cool appendage felt like fire against your skin and you know he heard the way you sharply inhaled, but you just couldn’t help it. You swallowed hard, head reeling and knees trying to buckle beneath you when you felt his cool palm cup your fiery cheek. It took everything in your body to avert your eyes from him, especially when you felt him even closer than before - warm breath fanning the expanse of your face. Why was he doing this? What was he going to accomplish? The fight or flight response in your body was screaming at you to push him away and run, but you didn’t.

“I’ve thought about you every day since you left, sweets. There’s not a moment that passes by where you’re not on my mind.”

Your eyes closed tightly, tears now welling up and spilling over.

“Everything you said about me that night was true. I am a coward. A coward who lost the best fuckin’ thing that ever happened to his sorry, broken ass.”

A small sob escaped your chest as your hand flew to your mouth, failing to keep it from tumbling out. Bucky found a loose thread and was slowly unraveling everything you’d worked toward in the last 8 years, every step toward progress and peace that you had worked so hard to find.

“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, doll” Bucky was now fully cupping your face with his large, calloused hands, “I’m so sorry that you fell in love with someone like me - a broken son of a bitch who never got put back together. I’m sorry that I hurt you so badly. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you the way I promised I would. I’m sorry that -”

In a moment of weakness, before he could finish his sentence, you were crashing your lips to his. There was nothing else that existed in your world - there was only you and there was only Bucky. Seemingly moving on their own accord, your hands found their way into his hair, grasping wildly for something to hold on to. As your fingers tugged on his roots, Bucky let out a deep moan into the kiss, sending a shiver down your spine.

The kiss was sloppy and desperate, all tongue and teeth. It was a balance of dominance between the two of you - although you were the one who initiated the kiss, Bucky was the first one to gain access to the inside of your mouth, and you were the first to tug his lower lip between your teeth. A pathetic mewl left your lips as Bucky’s mouth began trailing wet kisses across your jaw and down the column of your throat. The heartbeat in your ears from earlier was much worse now, making your head throb in pain. Every nerve ending in your body felt as though it was on fire and a small voice in the back of your head kept pleading with you to stop. For a moment you entertained the idea of shoving him off and telling him to fuck off, but that was before he started sucking that spot on your neck that he knew drove you mad. It was your turn to moan this time as you involuntarily arched your back, pressing yourself up against his firm torso.

You knew the way that you were tugging on the strands of his hair had to be incredibly painful but it only seemed to urge Bucky to continue. A soft gasp tumbled past your lips as you felt Bucky’s thigh push against your aching core. The sensation had you digging your fingernails into the back of his jacket as you finally released your grip on his hair. Before you could stop yourself, you could feel your hips grinding yourself down against his clothed thigh. Your dress had been pushed up around your waist, now only a small piece of cloth covering you as you desperately chased a high.

“I shoulda never let you go. Shoulda been at the airport to stop you before you got on that plane.”

His teeth sunk into your pulse point once more, earning himself another moan from your lips. The sting was soon replaced with the cool sensation of his tongue tracing the marks he had left.

“I love you, doll. I haven’t ever stopped lovin’ you.”

“Show me,” you whimpered pathetically against his shoulder, “show me you love me, Bucky. Please.”

An audible breath caught in his throat as he pulled himself back to look at you. Your chest was heaving, make-up smeared once more, and your pupils were blown wide with lust. You obviously weren’t able to see the look you gave him, but judging by the way he looked back at you it was fair to say you looked broken, pathetic, and desperate for him. The eyes looking back at you had the softness to them that you remember, the strokes of his hands against your body contained the passion that you’d so been longing for, and the tone in his voice told you that he was desperate for you too.

Within seconds your feet were lifted from the ground and your ass made contact with the cold, wet countertop. There wasn’t a lot of room, objects were scattered onto the floor and others were left to push into your hips with aggressive force, but you just didn’t care. It was impossible to care when Bucky moved your knees apart and dragged a finger along your clothed pussy. The sensation made your head fall back against the mirror with a hard thud but you couldn’t feel any of the pain from it at all. The only thing you felt was the way electricity rippled through your body when he used his thumb to apply pressure to your aching clit. Bucky groaned and rested his forehead against yours, lips slightly parted as he felt your need for him growing.

“So wet for me, just like I remember. Lemme make you feel good, sweets, hmm?” He had leaned forward to whisper softly in your ear as his teeth grazed your lobe.

It was you who reached down and shoved your panties down your thighs, meeting a surprised look from Bucky as he helped you drag them down to hang around your ankle. Bucky’s tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip as he hooked his hands underneath your knees to spread your legs open for him. Another groan came from him, this time more guttural than the last. You felt small underneath his gaze and the cool air in the bathroom brushing across your soaking core made you shiver.

Your hand flew to your mouth to suppress the noises you made as his finger slipped through your folds, running up and down to collect your wetness.

“More. God. Please, Buck. Need more.” You whined, attempting to roll your hips against his hand to find any form of friction that you could.

“Anything for you, baby.” He whispered as he gently inserted a finger inside of you. The two of you moaned in tandem.

There was a brief moment of embarrassment with the way your walls immediately clenched around his finger and the way his finger immediately found that soft spot. It was shortly replaced with a feeling of ecstasy. Bucky captured your lips with his to swallow your moans as he added another finger. The way his fingers were curling and pumping inside of you already had you close to the edge. Bucky pulled back and held your gaze as he added pressure to your clit with his thumb, circling the area as his fingers continued to repeatedly hit that spot inside of you.

“Please, please don’t stop.” You begged as you felt the pressure building within the lower part of your body.

“S’okay. I’m right here.” Bucky’s other hand was cradling the back of your head as he whispered to you. “I know you’re close. Can feel you squeezin’ me. You can let go for me, I got you.”

As your eyes met his, foreheads pressed together, you finally came apart. The white hot sensation tears through you as your legs quake. You squeeze your eyes shut and allow Bucky to help you ride through your orgasm as he peppers light kisses along your neck.

“I almost forgot how pretty you look when you cum.”

You whine at the emptiness and loss of contact when Bucky removes his fingers from your center. As your eyes flutter open you see him push the fingers into his mouth and suck them clean. The look on his face was euphoric.

“God. Almost forgot how fuckin’ sweet you taste too.”

Mustering up all the strength you had, you sat up and pulled him closer by his belt. The two of you worked together to rid him of his pants and boxers. Your hand wrapped around him, thumb swiping the red tip and using the pre-cum to help lubricate as you pumped your hand down his length. Bucky’s jaw clenched as he moaned at the sensation. Just as you were going to leave the counter, you felt his hands grabbing your shoulders and halting your movements.

“Maybe a different time, sweets. But right now I gotta be inside you.”

You caught your bottom lip as you nodded and released your hold on him. Bucky’s hands wrapped around your thighs as he pulled your hips to the edge of the sink. The metal hand left your thigh as he grabbed himself at the base and pushed his length through your folds. The two of you once more shared a moan at the sensation. As he lined himself up with your entrance, your hands wrapped around his neck to pull him in for another kiss. The next thing you felt was the familiar sting of his cock stretching your walls as he slid into you. Your lips left his and your forehead found itself pressed against his once more. Both of you panting heavily as neither of you dared to speak a word.

Following a moment of silence, allowing your body time to stretch to accommodate him, you nodded slowly as to signal to him that it would be okay for him to move. His thrusts were slow and calculated at first, as if he was attempting to regain his memory of your body - one that he once knew so well. You couldn’t help but dig your fingernails into his shoulder as you held on to him for dear life, subconsciously afraid that if you were to let go of him he’d be gone again forever.

“Faster, Bucky. Please.” You whimpered into his ear as you took his earlobe between your teeth and nibbled softly.

A low growl left his chest as he grabbed your hips and lifted you off the counter, moving slightly so that he could cage your body against the wall. You wrapped your legs firmly around his waist, locking them at the ankle. His thrusts became faster, deeper, and it was apparent he had gained his confidence back.

“You feel so fuckin’ good, baby. Just the way I remember.” He grunted as he dug his fingers harder into your hips.

His lips were on yours again, this time tears were starting to decorate the corners of your eyes. The pleasure, the regret, the passion, the guilt - every feeling was building up along with your orgasm. Bucky pulled away from the kiss to tap on your bottom lip with two of his fingers, which you greedily accepted into your mouth. Your tongue swirled around his digits until he pulled them out and used them to circle your clit. The added pleasure was almost too much to handle.

“C’mon, baby. Wanna cum with you. Can you do that for me, huh?” Bucky whimpered, his thrusts beginning to falter from the calculated snaps he was giving you before.

All you could do was nod your head quickly as the pressure steadily increased, bringing you to the brink of your second orgasm.

“I love you. I love you. I love you so fuckin’ much, oh my god.” Bucky grunted as the two of you reached your peak together.

You leaned forward to bite down on his shoulder and suppress the scream that left your mouth as pleasure erupted through your body. The two of you assisted each other through the high of your release and you felt your ass make contact with the cool countertop once more.

The only noise present in the space was your heavy breathing and a small dripping noise that came from the sink. Bucky’s final words before he came replayed in your head over and over again as you attempted to slow your breathing and bring yourself back down to earth. Your body shuttered slightly as Bucky slipped himself out of you. As you sat up, you noticed he was looking around the bathroom.

“Shit, sweets. I don’t think there’s anything I can use to help clean you up.” He sighed and turned to meet your gaze that was locked upon him.

“It’s fine, Buck. Not a big deal.”

Bucky bent over and helped you pull your panties back on before he redressed himself. Neither of you spoke for what felt like eternity.

“I-...” You muttered finally, “I love you too, Buck. I thought I was over you, I thought I moved on but...I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop loving you no matter how hard I try.”

Bucky reached out to stroke your cheek with the back of his hand as he listened to you lament to him. His eyes were soft and caring and you could almost swear he was looking into the depths of your soul.

“I think —“

Your conversation was cut short by the sound of knocking at the bathroom door.

“Hey, are you okay in there? Do you need anything?” Mike’s voice had your entire body flooded with the shame of your infidelity. In one swift movement, you were on the floor and turning the sink on to make it appear you were just washing your hands.

“Y-yeah I’m fine! Just finishing up! I’ll find you out there in a minute!” You squeaked.

Mike seemed to pause for a moment before you heard his footsteps retreat from the bathroom door. A wave of relief washed over you, but it was only temporary. As soon as you were relaxed the gravity of the situation you were in was clouding you once more.

“I have to go. I can’t give him any reason to think he needs to come in here.” Bucky nodded, eyes not leaving yours as you spoke while collecting yourself, “but we need to..we should..we have to address this. Later.”

“I agree.”

“Our flight leaves tomorrow night. I’ll...see what I can come up with as far as an excuse. Then we can put this to bed for good.”

“Absolutely, sweets.”

The nickname made your knees buckle once more as you sighed.

“Goodbye, James.”

You finally tore your eyes from his as you unlocked the door and slipped out of the bathroom. In reality, however, you knew this really wasn’t goodbye. Not even close.