#have to get all the categories :3
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silly hange SMAU for the soul ☕️❤️
₊⋆·˚🪷.‧₊˚ 🦢༉‧₊˚.
slightly weirder than I imagined it turning out :3 also kinda college AU coded!!! im gonna do more of these once hange visits me in my dreams again and i can remember thoroughly what their personality is like ^_^ also hange is heavily neurodivergent coded in here which shouldn’t be a surprise but im just going to say that for in cases!
(can you tell i became more familiar with the app with time :3)
#hange zoe#hange x reader#hange zoe x reader#hange zoe x you#aot x reader#aot smau#hanji zoe#hanji x reader#hanji zoe x reader#have to get all the categories :3
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fun detail I only put into context after seeing the post-fade jail romance scenes with all the companions: lucanis is the only one where rook is surprised when they realize he's there as he starts talking, because they didn't hear him come in haha. (Bellara and Neve knock before entering, like relatively normal people fhsda. Harding's scene starts in medias res but from the staging my vibe is that she and Rook entered the room together. Taash walks into the room ahead of Rook. Davrin comes in through a door left open for him -- Rook is standing with their back turned but they clearly expected him, they just smile a bit and don't seem surprised. Emmrich of course takes you to the Grand Necropolis for the top goth hookup since Mary Shelly fucked on her parents' graves, the man quite simply never misses.)
lucanis has also closed the door behind him without rook noticing. old assassin habits die hard I suppose lol. he totally still accidentally jumpscares the others without meaning to all the time because he moves around quietly when he doesn't think about it, I know this in my heart. I wonder if he was just... looking at them for a while before he spoke up.
#harding's romance is SO so cute. none of my planned characters have the vibes to match it I don't think but fereldan girl has GAME#top 3 companions with rizz: emmrich (!!! indisputably. no debate just the truth) davrin harding.#bellara. you're doing wonderfully sweetie rook likes you just as you are. it's only a fumble if it doesn't work fdhksaj#neve would have more rizz if she wasn't constantly being jumpscared by her own stupid inadvisable longing I get the sense#like the actual post-fade jail scene with the door closing? she's right up there with the main three. and yet she is Afraid (oh neve)#lucanis has that ineffable such a profound lack of rizz it loops around to irresistibility element that speaks specifically to me.#so I cannot be impartial about this. you should know my biases by now I wear them proudly on my sleeve#and taash is more in that category too and I would die for them#all the people complaining that lucanis doesn't flirt back enough... you have misunderstood the vibes profoundly.#that guy was for me. and the disasters like me#what *you* really want is harding. she knows what she's doing AND she'll treat you right#she'll winky face emoji you right from the start and on her own initiative CONSTANTLY and it's so good#rook and harding even have the rogue and gambit 'can't touch each other's bare skin' tension heightening thing#bellara's scene when she gets blighted that apparently kicks in at the end of the game also. really special to me. babygirl.#I want to give you the world. it's okay that you tried to kill me we all have off days#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#rook x lucanis#rookanis#I suppose I should have done a proper separate post of this instead of a tag rant. but here we are lmao#for good or for ill i remain myself
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Look, options are limited, beggars can’t be choosers (Patreon)
So I do have a white trenchcoat to offer him, but uh
It looks a little goofy and bulky lol
As above, there’s no shirt that I can put underneath it either! Too silly but not in the way I like my silliness! >:0
Of course, the alternative is
Lol. I mean, it’s definitely A Look, but it’s not what I would imagine finding near the front of his closet haha
The skelebros are even more limited tho, they’ve only got the one outfit to “choose” from
(Also yes, Papyrus does get glasses to match Gaster ♥)
I want to do some poking around with the Body Shop to see if I can make some custom outfits myself, or at least do some retextures! I’m sure I can make something workable!
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Gaster#Papyrus#The Sims 2#WPTS2#WPVG#I'll go over this mod more in its own post :3c#It's really lovely! It's a shame it's been abandoned but just from a glance around I can understand why haha#I don't know how they did it - I can only guess - but putting full outfits in just the pants category by? exporting the mesh??#It's really something! :0 Not to mention the skeleton model is lovely <3#I've tried editing it as well to try and get Gaster's signature eye and uh - I dyed the whole thing green and nothing changed lol#I'm not sure how or why :0 There are clear differences between age textures! How did they do that!!#I have so much yet to learn about Sims 2 models apart from just texturing X0 Texturing is already overwhelming sometimes!#In the meanwhile it's fun to dress them all up in what little there is haha#They look cute and silly and isn't that what's really important#I turned the waist-tie into a scarf because what do you take me for lol#The game is only so customizable! I will pick up the slack#I wonder if I could raise the tie to be an ascot....... I know I can delete it entirely but hm#Actually it might only be the knot that has a separate mesh aw :( Oh well! Next time#Gotta actually check out Milkshape one of these days lol#Anyhow ♪ Gaster being rather indifferent to clothes is fun - but does partial nudity as a uniform count! Does a silly outfit count haha#I think his croptops are quite tasteful personally - the cuffs are what really get me here haha so cumbersome!#I do also have some scarves hmmm.... And a full suit but that might be a bit much lol#And the suit supersedes glasses! >:0 That won't do at all!#This mod was also made without Seasons in mind so there's just a blank spot for his outdoor clothes :0 That's no good!#Lots of work on all the Sims families before they can be moved into the main neighborhoods
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out of curiosity, would you consider yourself butch?
used to be a blonde underweight twink and now I'm a based jock still got the chanel bag and the sick albeit matured mind of a suckpig to prove it so I'm gonna let you decide whether you wanna call me that word just cuz I got a pussy and short hair. I promise you that there have been enough advancements made in the art of lesbian sexual dynamics in the past 50 years to broaden the vocabulary used to describe the plethora of types of masculine females.
#being called butch just reminds me of how much males have the freedom to navigate between male archetypes and how people pay attention to#the distinguishing features of these varying masculinities#but when a female is seen as masculine it all gets lumped under the “butch” category#her masculinity is seen as unnatural and therefore incapable of being considered genuine or taken at face value as it is with males.#its always brought into question instead of taken in consideration with the rest of the woman's life and experiences and her particularities#Hence... Butch is still being treated as though its a huge lesbian cultural phenomena instead of a specific niche thing#also i dont mean to invite the “you dont pass!!” anons again bc that idiot is missing my point entirely (which is that im truly not trying)#but the fact is that for the past 3 years i have found myself increasingly navigating the male social world#and discovering what it means to me as a female to have access to the ability to take my “masculinity” for granted... relax#forget about it#etc#i think thats entirely antithetical to the Butch thing which seems to rest on the tension of other peoples expectations of her#people broadly are more surprised to find out that im interested in women just as much as they're surprised that im a gym queen iykwim...#ive worked hard for this and now that ive gotten the Woman Social Role thing pretty much entirely out of the way i am living the dream#i think a large part of that is learning as a dyke to appropriate the language of gay men theres a reason their terminology had#staying power even when their scene was *literally* dying meanwhile all that seemed to survive from dyke spaces was butch n femme ??#its because theirs didnt necessitate the building and maintenance of a scene in order for the subculture to hold its head above water#their labels *largely* weren't predicated on their relationships to gender roles and its telling that for dykes it was#their labels rested on the need to simply show up anonymous n be able to easily flag whether they were looking to fuck or be fucked#alongside the set of circumstances under which they would be fucking or getting fucked or what have you#it all comes back to the restrictions of female social blah blah blah and i think the sooner we collectively set down what we see as our#responsibility as lesbians and as feminists to Be A Woman the sooner we can step outside of that#n start thinking clearly about our individual circumstances and the necessity of putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others
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Kept thinking about the decline in popularity of Christmas caroling from the 1800s to now and came to the following conclusions:
Would not go caroling in any time period:
Hickey
Gibson
Golding
Wall
Des Voeux
Fairholme
Crispe
Collins (would like to, but is too shy)
Would go caroling in the 1800s but not in a modern AU:
Goodsir
Hartnell Bros
Diggle
Morfin
Weekes
Hoar
Tozer
Dundy
Crozier (coerced into it by Fitzjames)
Jopson (moral support for Crozier)
Would go caroling no matter the time period:
The Franklins
Gore
Magnus
Lane
Fitzjames
MacDonald
Irving
Hodgson
Little (coerced into it by the former two)
(List not meant to be exhaustive. I left out anyone I was undecided on. Additions and edits welcome!)
#possibly my most inane post of all time#The Terror#Starky's original posts#Starky's text posts#I had to call him Magnus even though I used last names for everyone else (except Dundy TooManyNames)#because idk feels weird to call him Manson#That's literally Magnus my best friend Magnus#Some of these are HARD. Like with Blanky and Stanley you'd think probably not. BUT they have kids so...... hmmmmm#And yes I do mean that Fitzjames can get Crozier to go with him in canonverse but not in a modern AU#Partially because it's weirder to do now but mostly because he has to bring out the big guns of like#''Frauncis did you know that when I was DYING IN YOUR ARMS my ONE desire that kept me clinging to life was that someday--''#which he always uses as a last resort to get what he wants and Crozier is so fucking tired of it but it does work every time#and alas he does not have that leverage in a modern AU#made myself cry thinking about Collins being too shy to carol btw. FUCK. LET HIM SINGGGGG#and yes Crispe and Hoar are separated in this as well I'm sorry to say :(#''why'd you stick Lane in the last category that seems so random'' none of you are prepared to hear my Thoughts on John Lane#you are not READY#anyways hodgving + Nedward meetcute: going to cheer up their grumpy neighbor by caroling at his door :'3
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This time last year I would drive out to shows an hour and a half away from me and my back would already be in pain by the time I arrived. All I could do was stand there and nod along and stand one or two rows back from the pit and hold my arm up to keep people standing if they knocked back into me. By the end of the show I would be fatigued and my feet, my back, my neck, and my shoulders would be in moderate to severe pain, even if I took a naproxen before I left.
Last night I went to a show the same distance from me where the headliner had an hour and a half set. I was on the edge of a rowdy push pit full of sturdy to beefy dudes in their 30s and 40s and even on the edge there was a lot of dancing and jumping and shoving. I honestly only recognized one song from the headliner but I was having the time of my life and was incredibly sweaty and tired out by the end, and only my feet were mildly sore, not even having taken pain meds
It only really struck me last night just how different my experience is now to when I started going to shows regularly 2 years ago, and especially last year at my worst point with pain, and it got me reflecting on what's changed.
I had a breast reduction/top surgery. I had physical therapy, which I'm still seeing the benefits of even though I definitely had some deconditioning after surgery. I switched to slightly better shoes. I also have a different car and the head rest doesn't tilt my neck forward lol. I can't tell if I'm more active or not - I've been going to more shows and going on like 1 or 2 10-min walks per week, but my job changed from hybrid to fully remote so it's hard to tell.
The best part though? Fatphobes can get absolutely wrecked because in the past year I've put on maybe 20-25lbs and my knee and hip pain are gone so🖕🖕
#I think the PT and surgery are the biggest factors but the rest adds up!#I was feeling down the past few weeks about still not having great stamina or strength but yesterday put into perspective how far I've com#I don't feel so hopelessly deep in a hole - maybe I can still make even more quality of life improvements to my activity level like this#And I did it without spiralling into unhealthy attitudes and behaviors to do with exercising even while experiencing shame in that category#Anyway I'm in my 30s and getting back out there after a looot of isolation in the first 3 yrs of the pandemic. It's hard but worth it 🖤#*masked through all this too!
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editing my tmagp spreadsheet and getting obsessed with the case codes. i KNOW they said they're unimportant and not hiding a whole big secret but they're also not random so they must follow SOME pattern and that pattern must be possible to find!! The format is always CAT- [one or two digits, only 1, 2 or 3] - [optional R] - [one or two letters, only A, B or C] - [the 'DPHW' or four digit code based on the type of case and content] - [dates]. and you might think that with 10 episodes and 11 cases, maybe some sort of connection would appear at least once. you would think that. wouldnt you
#'CAT' probably stands for category or at least thats what ive been assumimg#could also be a whole bunch of cats in the OIAR basement and they all get assigned a case each#tmagp#tmagp theory#the magnus protocol#tmagp s1#especially the optional R is maddening. why is it sometimes RC and sometimes just C#most cases have had either 1 OR 2 OR 3 but case two got '23'#for lack of anything 4 or up i am reading that as 'two and three' instead of 'twenty-three'#because what are the odds that there are at least 23 different options but we're only getting ones in category 1‚ 2‚ 3 and 23
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i miss claude so badly im already planning my golden deer maddening run while still in the middle of black eagles. i just want my guy. my favorite guy. unfortunately i just love the black eagles as a group/cast but i am mourning my man (i never kill him btw)
#ann in fodlan#all my thoughts are wah wah wheres claude wah wah#but i love edie too… see this is why three hopes was great cuz i got to see both of them together#im an edie yuri truther its my top 3 edie ships but number 4… hehe. edie/claude… SORRYYYYY#actually im a aroace claude truther but if i must choose someone for him. hehehehsehhegrh#but i did read this lovely aromantic claude fic one time and its so dear to me. i think i bookmarked it i should go read it again#i love him. god.#and you know i do like the gd house#its just. i dont like them as much as i want to? not as much as be or bl#and part of that honestly is because i like units based on two categories:#characterization and how fun they are gameplay wise.#and unfortunately most of them let me down on that latter category 😭😭#like. ive tried so hard to make lorenz good. SO HARD. but i cant…. i dont know what to do with him!#dark knight wyvern paladin bishop dark mage sniper HE SUCKS!!!!#raphael is also always terrible for me so one time i just made him a mage bc if hes gonna suck i may as well laugh#he was outdamaged by my warrior lysithea. actually she went crazy hard for no reason#you know who i want to like more? hilda.#on paper she is the perfect character for me. shes pink she has an axe shes valentine themed#i LOVE the spoiled rich girl trope like sorry. sorry#but i just cant get over her racism and it shocks me sometimes how that is an unpopular opinion#but idk. i know its not real and it comes from a place of ignorance rather than malice#but when youve been cyril before to someone else’s hilda its like. its hard to watch#another support of hers i cant get over is actually her marianne support and like. unpopular opinion but i cant stand that support#idk how everyone j goes ‘yuri!!’ have any of you ever been marianne in that situation.#its so uncomfortable sorry. marianne get up… better yuri awaits you.#and its not even the fact that hildas wrong in these situations its that she never acknowledges that!! no one ever pushes back! its annoying#i do like her to some extent. i LOVE her characterization towards her motivations (why she doesnt try too hard/she doesnt believe anything#is worth lives)#and then on crimson flower you see that she HAS found a cause/someone worth her life (claude) and its SO tragic its so well done#TAG COUNT IM A CLAUDE OR LEONIE RIDE OR DIE THO I HAVE TO GO BYE
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the mechanisms take selfies with those "no weapons allowed" signs at movie theaters send post
#the mechanisms#the mechs#ashes would think its funny because lighters aren't /techically/ weapons :}#raphaella and the toy soldier and marius are all in the category of they can't stop me no matter how hard they try :3#jonny and tim will be like “aw darn! my nefarious plans have been foiled!" and then blow up the building anyway#OR theyd go back to get more weapons just out of spite against the sign's existence
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stole this chart from @asubakaa and spent wayyy too much time making my own so. yeah. also i did 6 instead of 5 bc i know no restraint
#aughh i just spent ages typing out an honorable mention list and then i was like i don't like this actually so i deleted it#whatever you're not getting an explanation. unless you ask then i mean sure i don't mind#i find it funny that the straight ship canonicity ratio is lower than the lesbian one. there's just smth about het stuff when it's not cano#each tier had its own challenges with brainstorming which was fun#i don't have a lotta straight ships i think about in a frothing seething howlilng way. fakiru and tamaharu are really the biggest ones atm#gay ships are the most common for me bc i consume a lotta guy-dominated media and things get homoerotic pretty fast#but that also meant there was a lot to sift through and i always felt like i was forgetting something#like i almost forgot killugon. KILLUGON. the same killugon that i was painfully obsessed with for multiple years yes that one#formative to my life in middle school and everything. my little gay guys forever. theyre very sweet how could i forget them#and with sapphic stuff it was various issues in depiction. like 'no one ships these two from this obscureish movie but me' and 'they're boo#characters so how do i depict this visually' and 'no one knows these two the fandom's bone dry :('#there's a lotta ships i like but it was sometimes hard to find ones i LOVEd enough to put alongside the others yknow. a problem with all 3#categories. anyway a fun thing for my brain to do hooray#the most violently snubbed honorable mentions are probably griffith and guts bergerk. i wouldn't say i ship them exactly but they were in#love and should not be together in the present. as far as i've read. complicated but they're in my brain real good real deep in there#and hua cheng and xie lian tgcf. probably shoulda been there over the lawyers now that i'm thinking about it just in terms of sheer brainro#bc they took over my life about as hard as the other mxtx guys did. but yeah anyway#also i realized after this that i forgot horikashi.. which would probably take seowaka's place </3
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my major arcana muses are really cool y'all should write with them
#they have their own little fantasy universe but they can also hop over into other ones <3 including modern verses!#they're very versatile#there's a bunch of info about them all when u click on their names in my carrd!!#and if u click on the category u get send to their funky pin board#kore also has a messy board if u browse my pinterest
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Finally fixating on some nugget relationships that aren't horrible for everyone I love friendship <3
#rat rambles#I feel like Ive mentioned them before but Ive been rotaing them in my head so hard today#jacob dexter besties arc <3333 and also piper ig :/#they're all friends I just have favorite children (even tho Im pretty sure piper is the one whos been around the longest)#theres nothing super deep going on with them they're just bros who like to hang out drink and have game nights sometimes#but I likes them. they're silly :3#I need to dexter post more often yes they basically do nothing but be their friends supply guy but I love her sm#I used to be painfully neutral on him until I started lor at which point she grew on me hard and its only been getting worse#shes a mess who is squeamish and easily grossed out (rip bozo) and also an alcoholic (rip bozo) and also loves gambling (rip bozo)#hes surprisingly not doing as bad as youd think theyd be considering the everything tho#mostly because theyre good with tech and also are very good at breaking rules without getting too punished#but also because of their friends ig. eyeroll.#jacob also has a lot of bullshit going on as he is one of the poor souls who for a time caught yuri's attention but hes managing#and by managing I do mean on the verge of a breakdown at all times and holding on by a thread because he does not need to have juliet's#wrath added to his ever growing list of problems and traumatic events#again having positive relationships does also help but hes easily the least stable of the crew#to be clear theyre not like. super close? they hang out and play games and shit but they generally treat their hang outs as escapism so#they rarely talk much abt themselves on a personal level with eachother#which is fine they still value eachother a lot and genuinely enjoy eachothers company#although they are a bit recklessly fond of eachother considering their situation Id say. thankfully they dont get punished for it tho.#if one of them Had died and not instantly got brought back I do think the other two would fully lose it#the closest this ever got to happening in game was me not realizing dexter (level 5 employee btw) had gotten eaten by the wolf#and almost moving to the next day before realizing she had died#and do note this was like at the point in the game where I was just about done preparing to start the last 5 days this was Late late game#but autism be damned my boy can fuck up one of the easiest waws#(not a boy tbc)#honestly its kind of a miracle I never let piper die I Really didnt care abt him before the other two boosted him by proxy#well tbf he was for a good while one of like. two ppl I had in training. and they also are in little red gear. so they Did have value. ig.#piper comes from category of nugget I had in my early game that I liked to call bodyguards#basically I had one or two guys per department who actually did work and then another guy or two to be extra fire power
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2024 K-Pop Wrapped Tag Game
Tagged by @onlyoneofsideblogtrashheep thanks for the tag 💚💚
Regardless of Spotify stats, share your personal k-pop favorites of the year. Of the k-pop content that was released in 2024, post:
Favorite Group Album: DREAM()SCAPE - NCT DREAM
Favorite Solo Album: Depth - Yuta (of course. The way I will never be over this sweeping my October receiptify. NCT solo albums are the best thing ever to me.)
Favorite Title Track: Work - Ateez (this bitch was number 2 for my Spotify wrapped top 5 songs if that tells you anything.)
Favorite B-Side: BOX - NCT DREAM (from the album DREAM()SCAPE) honorable mention to Flamin’ Hot Lemon - Jaehyun
Favorite Music Video: Liar - BUS
Favorite Collab Track: Hush-Hush - BE:FIRST featuring Ateez
Tagging (no pressure): @we-survive-endlessly @smushedmuffin @skinzchoerim and anyone else who wants to participate can blame me
My ramblings bcs me tags started being excessive:
The way I had to fully think and google what fucking albums came out this year is insane. 2023 and 2024 have just blurred together for me. What do you mean Fact Check came out in 2023 but Ten’s solo album was 2024. Whot. I deadass could NOT think what group albums came out this year that I actually listened to. I’m so behind on releases it’s ridiculous. I’m still not over most of 2023s music. How am I gonna cope in 2025. I ended up picking dream()scape purely bcs I clearly remember looping it several times at work or while playing video games and not skipping any songs.
The way Jaehyun’s solo music has had me in a CHOKEHOLD. UNCONDITIONAL WAS MY NUMBER 4 TOP SONG ON MY SPOTIFY WRAPPED. IT CAME OUT OCTOBER 24th. SPOTIFY STOPS TRACKING ON LIKE NOVEMBER 21st. I HAVE A PROBLEM. HIS ALBUM THREW ME FOR A LOOP BCS IM NOT TYPICALLY AN R&B FAN BUT GOOD GOD THIS SHIT SLAPPED. THERE IS NO WAY THAT MAN IS BITCHLESS.
Also. 3 NCT related things making the list. On brand. If NCT was just one giant lumped together Spotify group I swear they woulda been in my top 5 artists. But no. They’re separated bcs subunits and I gotta somehow divide my time or only pick certain subunits to make my chart. A hate crime.
#about the weirdo who runs this blog#time is a man made illusion and I hate it.#I have learned you don’t have a friend tag here.#hi my ooo friend!!!#<- that’s it now. that’s your friend tag. everyone gets one#thems the rules#imma be honest I rarely watch music videos so I had to legit think about that for a few minutes#also yes the music video is technically a tpop song. I’m sorry. it was that or nct wish. which is Japanese technically.#it’s all shoved under the kpop genre according to spotify and non kpop fans tho#smoothie was also one of my fav title tracks but I couldn’t put the dream()scape album for 3 different categories. I needed diversity.#BESTIE LET ME TELL YOU#TIME IS SO FUCKING FAKE#I WAS TRYING TO THINK WHAT CAME OUT THIS YEAR#I FAILED#WHAT DO YOU MEAN SUPER BY SEVENTEEN CAME OUT IN 2023#AND MEGAVERSE BY SKZ#WHERE DID THE TIME GO#WHAT THE FUCK#also I will totally share my Spotify wrapped if yall want. it attacked me.
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pls recommend me a good weird/cult/folk/psychological/disturbing horror movie for the freaks that i can watch tonight!
#doesn’t have to fill all categories obvs but you get the vibe hopefully#just give me good weird shit pls!#thank uuuuuuu<3
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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Okay two weeks ago my classroom coach came in and absolutely fucked up my classroom bc I was scheduled for an observation last week, and she wanted to make sure I got a good score.* She gave us an example scoring sheet for the observation they were doing and gave some sample scenarios to practice, etc. She couldn't tell us what day it would be, but told us that it would be last week.
Well, I went in every day last week prepared for my observation, getting more and more anxious about it as time went on, and they never came. No observation. No one came in. I saw them walk by my window to do observations in other classrooms, but they never came to mine.
And today the education manager emailed me asking if I had a copy of my observation report 😊 bc she had somehow misplaced her copy. And I told her I had never gotten it and she was like "oh okayyy good for you! We ran out of time so you're off the hook!"
Wtf was all that for then?? They psychologically tortured me for two weeks and for what 😭
#ranntics#*literally no reason for her to have rearranged my classroom or fucked with my materials at all#we get 3 kinds of observations in my program:#1. ones that focus on the classroom environment#2. ones that focus on teacher-child interactions and relationships#3. ones that focus on both#the one I was supposed to get was in the second category. the environment wouldn't have mattered at all.#it wouldn't matter if my blocks area was too crowded (it wasn't but whatever)#or if my library was too close to my dramatic play area (it wasn't but whatever)#bc that's not what the observation was focused on. there's no spot on the score sheet for it#so she really did not have to do all that. but okay#also I'm kinda bummed that I didn't get the observation bc my interactions and relationships are my strongest professional assets 😔
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