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giantkillerjack · 2 years ago

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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improvapocalyps · 10 months ago

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You have 90 minutes to complete. (original poem: r.a.)

In participation of the MCYT Recursive Exchange 2024 hosted by @mcytrecursive!

Inspired by know that all my love will be your breath (i will save you when your lights go out)

[text under cut]

1. Have you ever been in love? (Please circle your answer.) a. It's me and him b. Our hearts beat in sync c. Our lives intertwined

2. Do you understand what you’ve done? (Please circle your answer.) a. I couldn't do anything b. I lost my balance c. I doomed us both

3. It's been god knows how long since you felt phantom hands on your neck and there is no one in sight. If you were soul-bound to him and both of you died at the same time then why are you still waiting in the void? Please answer clearly, in full sentences. (Not a correct answer：I just wanted to see him one more time).

4. Define two (2)： Fate | The feeling of his forehead against yours Curse | The moment you realise he isn't linked to you anymore

5. True or False： i. It was your fault. ii. You wish you had met him under different circumstances. iii. You can’t regret a single moment that you had him. iv. You would do it all over again if you could. v. It ended long before either of you said anything.

thumbnails:

sketch cover thing for imgur link:

#team ranchers #team rancher #rancher duo #jimmy solidarity #tangotek #trafficshipping #mcyt recursive exchange #events #fic fanart #my art #“canary has butterfly-shaped wings it cant do a dramatic spread like that” watch me. (draws dramatic wings) (sorry)#“you have 90 minutes” have been rattling in my brain for so long ever since i suddenly remembering a web weave using it (yes the beeduo one #very glad i can release it (using it in art) from its confines (my mind)#hm i suppose the title would be more in theme if its abt limited life ranchers #← havnt watched limlife yet #but! happy with what i come up with. lil bit proud even #had so much trouble with the panelling and layers in p2 cause it looks too busy (explodes)#also punching the floor bc i only noticed the “yes-no” pair(?) in the original poem when im already half-done w/ the comic #me when making silly comic makes you do poem analysis #i dont even go there ← does not have enough poetic braincells

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 4 months ago

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Loss.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #wen qing #If you include the 11 bonus comics I've done; this is the 200th comic of PD-MDZS B*)#Thank you all for your patience and support as I have honed my skills and pressed on with uploading my comics.#Even when I have gone through turbulent moments and struggled with stress and grief -#-I've been so thankful to have something that reminds me that I have the capacity to create and bring about joy into this world.#This community has some of the biggest hearts I've ever seen. Thank you for everything.#I can't believe I've done 200 comics for this series. And it isn't over yet! Keep rooting for me and I'll keep on drawing! Lets do this!#“OP are you not going to comment on this scene?” No. I'll let this one simmer <3

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heartless-aro · 2 months ago

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People when a character is aromantic or aromantic coded: Wowie! They’re aroACE! Because they aren’t interested in romance! Look at how aroace they are!

People when a character is aroace or aroace coded: Isn’t it cool that this character is asexual? Asexual icon! They’re such great asexual representation :)

#aro #aromantic #ace #asexual #aroace #alloaro #it feels like there’s this weird mindset of #if a character is aro then they MUST be ace too #and if they’re aroace then the ace part is all that matters!#and of course aplatonicism is never even mentioned as a possibility in fandom spaces (even with characters like Saiki who is apl coded af)#hell. even with real life people who have come out as aromantic #if someone comes out as aromantic they’re assumed to be asexual as well #and if someone is openly aroace it’s very common that people emphasize the ace part over the aro part #and while I get that some people do talk more about their asexuality than their aromanticism #it’s still weird to me that like #for example #Yasmin Benoit is one of the most prolific aromantic activists AND one of the most prolific asexual activists #yet I rarely ever see people mention that she’s aromantic or aroace. Everyone always just says “oh she’s asexual” and leaves it at that #her aromantic activism seems to just get ignored even with how much of it she’s done #when trying to find news sources talking about aromanticism for a research project about half of them were interviews #with Yasmin Benoit! she’s done so much work for the aromantic community #yet even in her Wikipedia article which describes her as an “asexual and aromantic activist” in the very first sentence #the section on her activism doesn’t include the words aromantic or aromanticism even ONCE.#like. yeah she does emphasize her asexuality a lot more than her aromanticism. but her aromantic activism should be acknowledged too

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benevolenterrancy · 3 months ago

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("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)

#svsss #bingqiu #luo binghe #shen qingqiu #lbh #sqq #i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss #the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently #and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything #it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg #as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it #everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person #each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it #at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same #and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical #because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING #aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying #but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line #anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series #i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix #i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship #bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once #bizarre #my art

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angermango · 4 months ago

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Re: MEMENTO MORI

a few weeks back i suddenly had a lil kick and remembered I haven't tried making something for Madness Day or really done Madness stuff for a long time even though i still love these violent jellybeans dearly and figured I could redo a concept I did for the last Madness Day i did something for back in 2021.

so naturally i left it until last night to actually do most of the drawing. Jeb, Hank and Tricky have all died a stupid amount of times.

#madness combat #madness day #madness day 2024 #hank j wimbleton #tricky #tricky the clown #sanford #deimos #jebus #jebediah christoff #the auditor #>>mango(t)art #i am actually pleased how it came out and that i finished it but holy heck do these guys die a lot #i shouldn't have left jeb and tricky for last but at least hank was already done :'U #if krinkels uploads mc12 today or soon i am not gonna redo this for any new canon deaths lmaoo. but i will watch as usual of course.#honestly i like how tricky looks he looked even better before the GIF quality crush but i think that's my best tricky yet #you can sort of see the quality bump from the original hank ones as i used a brush to do the glitch effects instead of doing it by hand #i think the effect could be better but it turned out alright and if i had time to practice i'll get the transition animations even better #tw blood

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yrsonpurpose · 1 year ago

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“C’mere,” he says, surging up to kiss Alex, and he’s putting his whole body into it now, sliding his hands down to palm at Alex’s ass as he kisses him. Alex feels a sound tear itself from his throat, and he’s following Henry’s lead blindly now, kissing him deep into the mattress, riding a continuous wave of Henry’s body.

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in-study-hell · 5 months ago

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Lone warrior: 50%

#double life spoilers #basically the entire dlsmp #Didn't compile every single frame I finished but heck it this is 50% done and its barely presentable #BUT I'm tired of struggling in secret so I'm going to struggle in public from now on.#Can anyone hear me? I hope this reaches at least one person that sorta see where I'm going with this #yeah i over-scoped this but im stubborn as hell so its probably fine #I have a bunch of sketches related to this amv that i havent even shown anyone yet so im going to post them in a bit.

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deoidesign · 6 months ago

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Doing master studies the only way I know how: Stealing them and making them my guys.

(Barberini Faun)

(The Fallen Angel - Alexandre Cabanel)

(Covent Garden - William Bruce Ellis Rankin)

#obviously. not actually theft...#i was gonna say these are public domain but covent garden actually isnt yet #it will be. in two years.#thats the most different one though like i added a whole new guy..#maybe not the most different. barberini faun is pretty different i just took the post #pose #its barely even a study. thats not true #but. what was i saying.#oh its not theft it's study... the purpose is to learn!!! but also. if im gonna spend like 2 days on something...#its GONNA be my guys #otherwise. idk. i only want to spend 30 or so minutes per study #just to get the notes down and the practice for the skill im working on #i dont get all that much more out of completely rendering a master study. PERSONALLY.#at least definitely not enough to be worth taking 100x longer #but making them my characters makes it worth going all the way!!!#plus it's good practice w like. not just going 1:1 but actually genuinely interpreting whats there so i can manipulate it...#again. personally. this is just how i worm #WORK #youd better worm bitch #uhm... anyways yeah. ive done lots of study but why TF share it LMAO i dont even save it #its just to learn. ive got 1 million other drawings to save and look at later.#once the learning is done it's done its job and i have no need anymore #this is why the only studies i have are from school. i had to save and upload them #well. ok also i dont study as much now BUT in my defense im a full time artist #an hour or so a week is different ok im learning while working too.. i learned how to learn and i do it all the time now #master studies #digital art #my art #illustration #my ocs

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numberonetribble · 25 days ago

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Looney Tunes Back in Action (2003) reference in this economy? more likely than you think

Bonus:

#do you think Bee screams for Optimus during contractions #WHO SAID THAT #tfe bumblebee #tfe breakdown #tfe breakbee #bumblebee #breakdown #breakbee #transformers bumblebee #transformers breakdown #breakbee fanchild #transformers #earthspark #tf earthspark #breakdown x bumblebee #tfp ratchet #transformers ratchet #sparkling #transformer oc #transformer fanart #maccadams #transformers fanart #transformers art #maccadam #this hit me like a semi truck at 2 am why did my brain tell me this #Piston was born 1) Large and 2) Goofy they arent done growing yet #Ratchet had to take them out for Bee and Pistons safety #the other option was one day Bee sneezes and a full sized 1971 corvette falls out of the sky pancaking him #theres comedy in having a full sized sparkling............and tragedy hmmmmm what do i mean by that #bee feels guilty not being able to carry Piston to term and Ratchet says Are you stupid? Even Optimus wouldve struggled you did great

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spellboundcities · 11 months ago

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The siren makes a huge noise; the real world is drifting

#i think i hauve covid #local cryptid draws #marble hornets #marble hornets fanart #marble hornets spoilers #alex kralie #mh alex #jay merrick #mh jay #jaylex #you dont even gotta squint for this one just look #i havent painted anything in a long time. I was shrimp mode for like six hours #has anyone done this yet? i feel like they should have #blood #guns #gun #injury #opaline yellowjackets

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anna-scribbles · 1 year ago

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they should've been at the club(infertility treatment centers)

#like guys. be real with me. how many options did you even try before turning to dark magic #nothing about the situation called for all that😭#in my mind they're like 22 and 25 here which makes it all even funnier #guys please just adopt a dog or something😭#nothing about either of you screams ready for parenthood #im so happy adrien agreste exists but the circumstances of his birth are so ridiculous #there is so much gabe and emilie couldve done besides this. they could have done anything #honestly knowing them(<-girl who believes she knows them) im not even convinced the infertility treatment wasnt working #I think they just both were so allured by the concept of a magic baby #they were like six months in and hadn't gotten pregnant yet and were like. well. I guess we're out of options! dark magic it is!#and made it everyone else's problem forever #these two wanted to be doomed by the narrative SO bad #honestly though being a 22 year old girl I kind of yet it. sometimes I see a cute baby and want one so bad maybe I too would use dark magic #maybe emilie agreste was just a girl.#anyway. sorry adrien that your parents were Like This but it is so so funny #anna rambles #ml #gabriel agreste #emilie agreste

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stars-n-kites · 3 months ago

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really an inexplicable train of thought but i feel like taako is the kind of person who in a modren era au would just decide to go to a shooting range and learn how to shoot a pistol for funsies, but would consider learning to spin the pistol all cool like they do in cowboy movies to be his first and foremost priority. like hes already bought a holster and the moment he is given a gun he immediately starts trying to twirl it. the instructor has to tell him to stop or theyll take the gun away from him. he keeps trying to lead the conversation back to it anyway because he really feels like theyre putting the cart before the horse here if hes learning how to shoot the gun before even knowing how to dramatically reholster it if he were to get in some sort of cowboy duel. hes actually really good at the shooting part but he gets kicked out of the class after his eighth guntwirling attempt in which he accidentally flicks the safety off mid twirl and shoots one of their light fixtures

#taz balance #taz taako #i dont know shit abt guns so i had to google a bunch of stuff to see if this even made sense #'surely they would have taken the gun away from him before attempt number 8' ok see heres how im imagining the timeline #moment he is given the gun he gets in two twirl attempts right off the bat before the instructor manages to stop him #attempts number 3-5 are done in a 6 second window in which the instructor makes the mistake of turning around and not looking at him #he is then told he needs to take this seriously and they can and will remove him from the range if necessary #attempt 6 he just does on instinct and hes like cmahn you cant count that one i didnt even mean to do it. did you see it tho it was rad #he is then told if he does it again he will be kicked out #youll never believe this but he does it again #the instructor tries to take the gun from him and he decides it is a really smart and good idea to back up into the main area #ie the area where not everything is made to be safe to shoot and there are light fixtures and people in there #and try to twirl the gun yet a fucking gain . which is the attempt where he shoots out a ceiling light #to be fair he is just a silly little guy

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 2 months ago

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Congratulations to TEAM CHEESE for winning the popular vote on the Charcuterie poll!

#charcuterie saga #digital art #I initally made the poll as a fun little side thing while I was away and not able to draw -#-and a week later it has become a true battleground of food passion!#I *will* be drawing the charcuterie board soon (I first need to plan out what this thing looks like based on the ratio of votes)#But I also really want to draw more faux stickers like this. Possibly...to make them into actual stickers?#Let's see what the vibes are like after I draw more. I'll do a interest check and if enough people want them...It will be so.#Team Olives and Pickles will get one next. As will team Crackers. You both fought hard but the battle was stacked against you.#Turns out people have very strong opinions about cheese!#Team Jam kept it fun with recommending the most delightful combinations and spreads.#Team meat made me laugh with their chants. Team fruit just wanted a lovely time.#Team crackers were the underdogs but fought a good fight.#Team olives and pickles - you weren't even an official team at the start but you made it your destiny. Well done.#Team Vanilla extract....You made me eat something terrible. Feta. Old chedder. Gouda. Babybel. None of these are good with Vanilla.#Don't ask me how I know that.#(I know I should do a soft goat cheese with some fruit in it. I just haven't had the opportunity yet.)#Thank you all for your participation and for filling my week with whimsy B*)#I've loved drawing these little mice a lot!

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lbhslefttiddie · 7 months ago

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despite his initial rough impression, lqg gets a "fun" rating on the gege scale

#arts #mottau #dragging lqg into the autism to autism communication array #sy thinks he is so cool actually. but he will fiercely deny it if you say so #lmao stupid little baby crush #he has! a cool sword! and hes fought so many monsters! and hes called the Bai Zhan WAR GOD #and also is more lax than his other geges in letting him do stuff that toes the line of things he shouldnt be allowed to do yet #such as you know imitating sword forms when he's not supposed to touch cultivation or combat for another year #in lqg's mind theres no reason he cant practice the forms. and also he doesnt even have a practice sword let alone a real one #he will get yelled at later #can you tell that i read dun meshi and it irreversibly changed the way i draw silly little autistic smiles. bc i sure fucking can #anyways releasing this from containment since im almost done the next chapter. incentive (for myself)

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dawnatlas · 9 months ago

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I really think the damage caused by learning jean had a sister and then 20-odd pages later finding out she's been dead for years while jean was being tortured in a cult is completely unrepairable. ill never stop thinking about them.

they never got to grow up together. she would've been 15 in tsc. hes still a teenager and she never even got to be one. this is the only universe jean didn't kill himself, so it's the only universe he learns about her fate and has to live with that knowledge. FUCK

#i need to draw them again #i know that dead hearts piece caused a lot of damage to yall but im not even near done #i love siblings and all the forms they take #j&e might be one of my favorites yet #all the things they could've had #all the things they'll never have #im insane #ramble #aftg #tsc #tsc spoilers #the sunshine court #jean moreau #elodie moreau

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