#have been forced to truly reconcile with what is Real to me what i Take Seriously and how i use my very limited time on this earth

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

The ethel cain irony epidemic rant is so real SO REAL i could sound off on that subject i could write a novel length essay it's neat how she said she wants to make a video on it cus for the past few weeks i was thinking of making a video on it TOO i just never committed to the idea since my feelings on it align w the subject matter which is: Who even cares , thats the whole issue, everything is supposedly "Not That Serious" theze days So why say anything. I hope she does make a vid on it though. nihilism & cynicism thinly veiled as irony is ultimately what pushed me offline (as in, not scrolling) since august and as glad as i am to be free of it all it's also still existing whether i engage or not & it is not exactly an encouraging landscape for sharing everything i've been working on for months so hard with all my most earnest efforts . . .

[endless-ineffabilities]

there's hope for us yet - (2/2)

Anakin Skywalker x f!reader

The reader realizes that her true Anakin will always exist, in some spark or another, however miniscule. And she reconciles with what she must do in order to get him back.

masterlist ▪︎ part one

GIF by nerdside

When your eyes open once more, you're lying on something soft.

A sense of familiarity eases in as your fingertips glide on the silk sheets underneath you. And that scent. Which can only be...

"What were you dreaming about?"

Your head falls to the side, slowly, dreading what you'll see. Because you know, without a doubt, it's all going to break your heart.

Anakin lies on his side, with his torso bare and his head propped up on one sturdy arm, looking at you all starry-eyed.

Like he always had.

You can help but let out a shaky sigh. Why did I have to lose this? Why did I have to lose you?

He notices the switch in your expression. And as if he's heard your thoughts, he whispers, "I'm here, stardust. I'm never leaving you."

But you did.

You sit up halfway, and find yourself saying, "What about all that you said? About Senator Palpatine? If you... if you truly believe that, Ani, then I could... " I could lose you. Your words echo in your head. He must have heard them to be meaningless ploys.

"You don't understand, stardust. I'm doing this for us. For you! This way, we can be together forever. Nothing can take you from me."

You lean forward, gripping his hand tightly. "Nothing will, Ani. Your visions won't come into fruition. You're not gonna get rid of me that easy, you know." You smirk at him to assuage his concerns, but his frown stays in place.

You massage your thumb in between his ruffled brows, in a show of easing the tension in his expression. "I love you," you breathe.

"I love you, stardust," he says, his voice breaking with emotion. He presses his forehead to yours. And then, his lips on your own.

His breathing is heavy, his mouth frantic. His hair falls forward, casting shadows on the sharp angles of his face.

I love you, he keeps saying. Though he claims your lips again and again, before you can get the chance to say it back.

Your fingers tangle in his unruly blonde tresses, anchoring themselves as he slides down and nips at your collarbone. His hand dips inside your blouse, gently pawing at your chest.

When he looks up at you with his mischievous smirk, you nearly forget where you are. You want to.

"Ani..."

I want this to be real.

"It is real," Anakin responds without missing a beat. He lowers himself further, hands gripping your hips. His fingers trace a line underneath the waistband of your trousers. "Give in to me, my stardust. This can be as real as we want it to be."

"Now is not the time..." Your words halt when he presses his lips to your hipbone.

"Why not?" Anakin purrs, then proceeds anyway. His breathing is warm against your skin, as he carefully starts to undo your trousers.

It certainly feels real. Any world, any reality - Anakin Skywalker will always have the ability to set you afire.

Your stomach is in knots, in equal parts excitement and anxiety. You want to focus on him and only him, but your gaze is directed towards the ceiling. Or lack thereof. All you see is an apparent simulation of the night sky, with thick gray clouds to reveal a storm simmering and waiting to unfold.

You were so caught up in Anakin that you failed to notice your surroundings.

"Where are we, Anakin? This isn't your suite."

He sighs, shaking his head. "That's what you're thinking about?"

Lightning flashes overhead. Dread rips into you as it casts a glow above everything. It had been only for a split second, but it was enough.

The sky glowed red. You see much clearer now.

"Let me take your mind off it, stardust." Anakin had pulled himself up suddenly, covering your line of sight. Everything, like always, is just him.

He grips your jaw in one hand, forcing you to look right at him.

"Anakin..." your voice is a low warning him. You notice how it sounded more of a question. Your guard is up, your hands bunched up into fists at your sides, no longer lovingly pressed against him. Suddenly, the comforting feel of the silk sheets feels like a betrayal. A lie.

"Kiss me," Anakin purrs. His lips take yours, roughly. His teeth clashing against yours in the movement. "This is all I want. You're all that I want." He grows frustrated when you don't kiss him back. Almost rabid. One hand keeps your face against him, while the other freely roams all over your body. His fingernails dig into the flesh of your thighs. "Say you're mine."

"No," you struggle to take a breath, squirming underneath his solid form. "You wanted something more. And now you have it."

"Because of you," he implores. "I did everything for you."

"I never wanted you to cross over into the dark side." Rage is evident in your shaking voice. You find your strength and propel yourself from underneath him, footsteps carrying you away from the bed. He follows suit but you put your hand up. "Stop." He doesn't listen. When has he ever?

For me? How dare he blame me?

Anakin reaches you once more, looking pained. That familiar frustrated furrow in his brow making him look youthful. Almost vulnerable.

Like that brazen young Padawan whom you met a long time ago. The one you fell in love with.

You wait for him to speak. To begin his tirade. He was fuming just a minute ago, surely he has some lovely things to share. About the past. About what you lost. What he sacrificed it all for.

The new Empire. Palpatine. Darth Vader.

Each one a dagger right through your heart. Reminding yourself that he did not choose you.

But he was lost.

You shake your head at your resolve breaking. One look at his broken expression and it all falls down.

He was lost. He was manipulated.

"Forgive me, stardust." Anakin says. His forehead presses against yours, and he holds you close. The makeshift sky above you seemingly calms, no longer displaying the occassional flash of crimson red. You feel the tension leave your body, and nearly slump against him.

A minute passes before he finally speaks again, "I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for any of this."

You know full well that he apologizes for much more than causing you to grow irate moments ago. He means everything.

"I know," you finally admit. Your eyes flit over his features. His eyes gently shut, his fingertips memorizing the planes of your face. "But this... this was the end."

"Well," he slowly smiles, and it is one of both sadness and acceptance. But when his eyes hold yours, it betrays the Anakin that would never accept defeat, who would never relent to losing the one he loves forever. "Why don't we go back to the beginning?"

The scene fades before your eyes, but Anakin remains.

And he always will.

It is the day after your thirteenth nameday, and your Master has granted you leave for the entire week.

It gives you the chance to interact with the visiting Padawans from other Jedi Temples, but you find yourself sitting all alone in an alcove in the inner courtyard.

Training has not been easy as of late, and you're beginning to doubt whether you deserve to be in the Jedi Order at all.

Lost in thought, you make the hilt of your lightsaber hover to the side. Spinning it midair. Tapping it against the stone in a sporadic rhythm.

Maybe if I fail, I can make a living off of these party tricks.

Then a voice breaks you out of it. "That won't be much of a living, but I have a better idea."

The boy you will soon know to be Anakin stands there, with his sandy mop of hair along with its signature Padawan braid, and curious gaze. He looks to be about your age, but already much taller.

"Stay out of my head." You respond on instinct, letting annoyance win over.

"Don't you want to know what I had in mind?" He sits across from you, unfazed. Clearly this is a kid who holds himself in some high regard. His force feels like determination and honour.

And defiance, as well as a simmering fury, but you will find this out much later.

"Not really," you shrug, trying to play coy. Your interest is piqued, but you're still discomforted by the thought that this random Padawan is tuning in to your deepest emotions.

"Well," he sighs. Something tells you it didn't really matter what your response was. "I was thinking that I can help you train. I can feel that the Force is strong with you, as it is with me."

"Is it, now?" The pair on this guy. But he's right. He has the power to bring balance to the galaxy. He just doesn't believe it yet.

"It is. And trust me, I tend to be right about these things." He smiles, and it is one of boyish innocence and wonder. Years later, he will change, but you will find that his smile remains the same.

You shake his hand in introduction, and you fall into conversation. How long is he visiting your Jedi Temple? Where did he come from? How is he finding his training?

It's polite conversation. It's a normal afternoon.

But it's also the beginning of everything.

"Come find me," he says to you, before he leaves.

"I will."

As he walks away, you notice a cloud of smoke encroaching upon him. White tendrils twisting in a race to get to him. Anakin. You blink hard, trying to get clear of the haze. His figure is morphed, doubled in size. Something's not right.

The white tendrils turn red. Darkness creeps in from all sides, and you know there is danger here.

"Wait!" You scream out. I have to warn him.

You take sure, long strides toward his figure and your bones ache. You're certainly taller now, and stronger. Much older than your thirteen years.

"Anakin, wait!"

He turns, and it is not Anakin. You freeze upon seeing the unfamiliar being, towering over everything, dark mask firmly in place.

Darth Vader. You realize just where you are, and why you're here, running around moments of impermanence.

He starts to speak, and you're startled to hear that the voice does not come from Vader's deep, chilling synthesizer.

"Come find me," he repeats. It's Anakin's voice. The one you've always known.

"I will," you say once more, the meaning of the words renewed.

And then everything is lost in a blinding flash of light.

You find yourself back on the suspended path, amidst millions of the same pathways to memories and forms of reality. The galaxy stretches eternal, the stars unending.

Anakin stands calmly before you, as he did when you arrived.

"You have to go back, stardust. Ahsoka needs you."

"I know," you say, not willing to say goodbye, but there's no other choice. You take his hands, committing the feeling to memory, and he rests his forehead against yours.

"Will you come find me?"

taglist: @maggiecc @fandomwarrior98 @irishbl0ss0mz @sarahbutnot @anerdypanda @valsarchives @avitute @standwithcap @lwkaslvt @yourusername1 @queenv319 @hesvoid3434 @caramelcandescence @eykismyfav @maratheidiot22 @leahthesith @hestia-fires @geekygirl127 @solaceinwritings @hueanhdang

"I always will."

[hawke-from-kirkwall]

Solas. The Dread Wolf. He is an incredibly fascinating character to me. He has many names. His history is tangled and twisting with love, loyalty, pain, wisdom, betrayal, pride, power, fear, failure, regret- each part telling the story of a truly complex and nuanced person. In this Essay I will...

Something I find absolutely fascinating about Solas over the course of DAI and now DATV is that I feel you can see him struggle with the fact that at every turn his desperate belief that those around him are on some level not real people (a belief he holds on to with white knuckle fists because he knows he cannot complete his goal if he allows himself to see them as real) is challenged. Varric, Cole, Sera, Bull, Lavellan, or even an Inquisitor that's not Elvhen, Felessan, even to some extent Mythal, they directly challenge his view of them. He has to silence them or he won't be strong enough to continue his mission- he'd fail again. So he kills his closest friend, can't even look him in the eye when he does it, he breaks up with Lavellan (or distances himself from a friendly Inquisitor), and abandons the Inquisition without a word, even cuts himself off from Cole because Cole knew who he was and could reveal too much.

Solas cuts himself off from anyone and everything that could tear down his idea that they could be REAL, that they could deserve the same chance he and the other ancient elves had to live, or he knows he will abandon his work. He'd once again fail. And Solas fears he couldn't survive that.

So he forces himself to be detached, cold, calculating, deceptive, and strategic. He once again bears the mantle of Dread Wolf, once again the cost is never too high if it means the People are restored.

Solas fascinates me in his obstinate determination to not accept what he sees, and I believe he knows deep down, is true - his original plan succeeded, but the cost was great and that there is truly no way to reverse it. The world of Thedas, as it is now, completely changed from anything he ever wanted, is the result. But change is a part of life. It cannot be stopped. Fighting change or seeking to reverse change only serves to change things further and never in the way you had planned. Ultimately, Solas's plan was doomed from the start- he could succeed in pulling down the veil, he could "minimize the damage", but the world that would result from it would still not be the world he wants. It would still be subject to the thousand years of change it had gone through and would change further still at the abrupt return of magic and spirits to the world. He cannot predict the outcome and consequences that would be the aftermath of his success. And he doesn't want to! He cannot reconcile his failure so he pushes forward to erase what cannot be erased. It's futile. And I don't believe he is fully blind to it. I am certain he knows, even if he refuses to sit with it long enough to admit it.

Solas is a broken man who's so focused on his one failure that the cost of "repair" doesn't matter. HE has to fix it. HE has to sacrifice. HE has to go it alone. Else he might be persuaded to change his mind, to do the selfish thing and move on, when the ancient elvhen no longer have that chance.

So he holds tight to his bitter resolve only to be challenged again at every turn by Rook and their team, old allies and friends, those he had betrayed. Again.

His story is one of pain, loss, regret, failure, twisted purpose and the incredible power of a small seed of hope.

If you choose this end, Solas finally removes his blinders to see the light of hope in front of him. With or without Lavellan taking the journey with him, Solas finally sees what he'd been so forcefully shoving out of his view - it just takes one choice. One right decision to start a journey towards redemption. He cannot be absolved of guilt for his actions. He cannot change the past. But perhaps with time he can redeem his future.

[Me, typing this up at 10am on a Tuesday... like a normal person. Lol]

[wolfscarr]

Helluva Broken Narrative and the most useless character..

Disclaimer: Not saying you can't enjoy this show folks. Enjoy it all you want, this is just a rant about the lack of a cohesive narrative!

I really was completely dead on posting, but I just can't get this out of my head.

I feel people should be acknowledging this far more than it has been, this is extremely important. This goes beyond just episode pacing, this goes beyond the characters....this is something that without it? There is no real show, which is....

Helluva Boss has a BROKEN NARRATIVE.

Some fans wanna claim it has this 'complex' writing and I'm sitting here going like "really? Where?"

It doesn't sorry and know why? Because Season 2 of this show, basically broke the narrative that Season 1 was building.

These past posts of mine, will show you why the narrative is broken.

Now can they continue on with the story they are telling? Yes of course they can, but it won't fix the fact that it's not coherent to Season 1, that it's not needed.

Wanna know who the most useless character in the show is now? If you guessed Stolas, you're correct! In the meaning of making Stolas this guy who did nothing wrong and who's sad....they took away his character purpose.

Stolas has ZERO purpose being within the show now, given how things have played out.

But you might say

"Well he's needed to give Blitz the Crystal and end the deal!"

Except....no, he wasn't. They could have just delivered the crystal to I.M.P. They have Blitz’ number, just call him, get a servant to send it etc.

Remembering my posts above, where you can have I.M.P. killing in Hell as a Season 1 thing?

Maybe they're just getting started with their company? So Blitz wants to supplement with killing in Hell by killing those up top so he goes to see about getting an Asmodean Crystal?

See let's backtrack here folks, the episode Oops it was mainly about Blitz and Fizz reconciling right? Which they do at the end of the episode. Now follow this, if we take into account the above, Blitz' dialogue could be.

Blitz: "Fizz look, I know what happened to you was horrible. I don't...expect you to forgive me, but I'm struggling to support myself, my daughter and my employees with my company. I....if you can just think on it, perhaps I could get one of those Asmodean Crystals?"

The scene ends and Fizz goes back to Ozzie, while along the way he's thinking about Blitz' words and how he was saved by him where in the end, Fizz agrees to send Blitz a Crystal because he's earned it from saving his very life.

Or here's another scenario, Blitz has a Crystal from the start(which he took from Verosika when they were dating, maybe she gave him one as her bodyguard?), but as things get far more hectic up on Earth with more dangers. The Crystal ends up shattering after I.M.P. gets back to Hell after a job, thus Blitz goes to actually confront his past and reconcile with Fizz in order to try and get a new one.

See how easy it is now, to just remove Stolas entirely? They took away a character's purpose of being in the show....that to me, is completely disappointing. Characters, especially those that are suppose to be IMPORTANT, should have a purpose...without that? You may as well just delete them entirely.

Blitz could have had 2 whole Seasons with relating to the past and those that he hurt, that he TRULY hurt(Verosika, Fizz and Barbie) that would actually matter to him as a character. But instead, all these characters are instead shoved to the wayside, for a character who doesn't matter anymore and only actually matters because the writing is FORCING him to matter.

You can write the narrative in so many different ways with what Season 2 gives us, that completely destroys what Season 1 told us. Are we now expected to just....IGNORE AN ENTIRE SEASON?

Even still you DON’T EVEN NEED a Crystal considering I.M.P. was killing in Hell before. Which isn’t HB supposed to expand upon Hell anyway, because Hazbin was taking place in one location? Wasn’t that one of the reasons why it was made? So you make a show that's suppose to explore Hell, yet some of the episodes...don't even take place within Hell?

You could have also made a whole Season actually EXPLORING Hell with I.M.P. going through the various Rings of Hell, assassinating targets. This could explore the various lives of Hell, customs and so forth while exploring the I.M.P. crew too. But no...that's wasted as well.

They can do this whole "sad Stolas is sad and Blitz is hurt and Stolas is going to give him a crystal." Thing all the way to 'try' and fix things, but it'll fix nothing....because the deal between them was retroactively made completely pointless.

The show will continue obviously, but in the back of the minds....it will be a broken narrative and Season 1 is basically buried 6 feet under. As a writer, this really annoys me....because they had how long between Seasons to nail this down? How long have we all waited just in-between episodes? This shouldn't have happened.

Yes, is storytelling hard? Obviously, none of my stories are perfect....but at least the narrative is coherent from beginning to end.

Anyway...I just...had to get this out of my head, because it was really frustrating and I want it to be acknowledged more. The narrative is important folks, if it's broken...that's not a good thing.

I'm still watching this show....if only because I'm knee deep in it now and I still somewhat actually like the characters, but what I don't like...is this broken narrative that is still hanging around with a pointless character that doesn't matter to the show anymore.

Narratives, coherent narratives are important to a story, without it? You don't have characters and you don't have a story.

^ For Part 2.

^ For part 3.

[alicentwhore]

What are your thoughts on Alicent now? The general anti alicents hate her even more now , team green and other alicent stans say the writers hate Alicent and ruined her character for fan service? Or 1st season Alicent would hate this seasons Alicent. What's your take?

I love Alicent as much as I ever did! While I think it was a bit clunky, I do think her character arc made sense and was in fact in character for the Alicent that’s been set up since the beginning.

And like, not to be mean, but I’m gonna be so real. I have always thought a lot of greenies who claimed to be Alicent fans never actually liked Alicent as she existed in the show, they just liked a version of her that they fanonized a bunch. Their love for Alicent was less motivated by Alicent herself, but as either Aegon/Aemond’s mom or as a vessel to hate Rhaenyra. (Like the way they JUMPED her for that trailer in May for TWO LINES OF DIALOGUE?! That made me lose respect for so many greenies man).

I think that’s part of why they think she’s ruined. She’s making a decision that is against the sons she doesn’t like and was forced to have (and one of which is presently an ACTIVE THREAT to her daughter) and still cares for Rhaenyra. The show has made it clear from the beginning that Rhaenyra and Alicent will never truly hate one another. They represent a peace, a happiness (for Alicent possibly the only time she was truly happy) that they can’t let go of.

Also the idea that “Season 1 Alicent would hate this Alicent” is such a joke. Really? The Alicent who was Team Rhaenyra for years after her Aegon’s birth and only switched when she felt Rhaenyra had betrayed her first? (And even then, in episode 6-7 while she talks to Aegon about being king, it’s clear this is not at all motivated by a belief that he should be king, only an idea that it’s the only way to save her family. And after Driftmark she feels so ashamed about causing actual harm to Rhaenyra she becomes extra religious). The season 1 Alicent who clearly resents Aegon and abuses him a ton and straight up DISOWNS him at one point? The same Alicent who, in the end, after giving up on Aegon as a lost cause and finally seeing Rhaenyra again, SUPPORTS and wants to reconcile Rhaenyra in the end? That Alicent?

She only put Aegon on the throne because she thought it was her duty to. She never actually wanted Aegon on the throne. It was because she thought it was some important dream and to keep her children safe. And now Aegon is the king, the dream turned out to be for Rhaenyra, and her children aren’t safe. Aegon has been half-dead for weeks, Aemond fired her and is committing atrocities Willy-nilly and is now trying to force Helaena to go into battle.

Alicent hated the war from the beginning, always saw it as futile and for nothing. And now she’s being proven again and again that all it’s doing is destroying her family (The thing she partially did this to PREVENT). She’s accepting, as much as she hates it, that she can’t save them all (and maybe a part of her. A part that never wanted these kids and who still views them as the shackles that keep her bound and miserable. Who finally sees a chance to be free. Maybe she… doesn’t fully want to) but she can save some of them before it’s too late. For her, Aemond is a lost cause but Helaena and Jaehaera are innocent, they still have a chance.

She doesn’t want Aegon to die, but when presented with the choice of the son she loves but always viewed as a burden, as a chain and a prison, who she hates as much as she loves, or her innocent daughter and granddaughter. It’s doesn’t surprise me at all she would ultimately sacrifice Aegon. For her remaining family, for the realm, for herself.

Show Alicent is not book Alicent and she never will be. (Not that book Alicent is even much of a character but whatever). That’s been clear since the show started and if people haven’t accepted that by now, that’s their own fault.

Like I do have some issues with the execution that I think was a bit rushed, and the show has a problem with going back a fourth between putting all the blame on Alicent for the war and denying any culpability. And the way they’ve kinda just forgotten about Jaehaerys is a bit. Hmm. But like her arc made sense to me and the level of vitriol towards her all season from her so-called fans did catch me off guard.

Anyways this season has just made me an even bigger Show Alicent supporter and defender actually.

Sorry if the thoughts are a bit scattered! I just woke up lol. But yeah that’s mostly how I feel about it!

[campfam4lyfe]

So good to meet another Brookji/Kenlynn fan! What do you think that will happen between them in JWCT season 2 (or later seasons)?

YESSS ANOTHER BROOKENJI!!!!!

okay so, honestly, i have like. zero clue. of what i think will actually happen, because there could be so many different roads for them to take. i know what i want though, and that is a kenlynn endgame. i understand why they broke up, i do. but to see their faces as it happened. the devastation--neither of them wanted it. but kenji had to do it, and i dont blame him.

but guys! brooklynn loves the camp fam--she keeps their picture up on her mystery board. she kept it as her lockscreen. she loves them. i also have to say, that brooklynn loves kenji. as a boyfriend, as a lover--as her person. darius says she was real broken up about the breakup, and she clearly had regrets. she told darius about how and where it happened. she kept that video with the "brokwie bear" and "kenji wenji." she has that video because she couldn't help but film him bc she thought he was being cute. it was one of the first things they saw when they decided to look through her phone! she loves him!

and kenji loves her--his grief over her death, his anger at the people he suspected of being involved in her death--the constant "where were you's" to darius--he needed to know why he wasnt there. that bit where he says "be honest with me. if you loved brooklynn, and mean, really loved her, why werent you there?" broke me, absolutely, cause goddamn ouch. like. he loves her, so he couldnt imagine not showing up if she called him. to the extent where he needs to know why darius wasnt and its like. does he, somehow, blame himself a lot? is that a veiled, *i* could have been there, why didnt she want me there?? devastating stuff.

but. thats all s1 stuff. youre asking about season 2 and onwards! so. what i think will happen--okay, so, you remember how in the end of s1 cc they showed ben was alive? and then we got a ben&bumpy episode that spanned the near-month he was alone. im wondering if they'll do that with brooklynn at some point. truly, i dont know. its possible, but maybe there going to reveal it in pieces, like flashbacks.

i want to know how brooklynn survived. the extent of her realtionship with ronnie, and about all the stuff she'd uncovered abt the dino smugglers since she started till now.

but also, i want a reunion so so bad, and since CT was handling everything else so well, i think theyll do a reunion justice too. and that means i think they will give some of the characters space to be angry. obviously i think there will be relief--who wouldnt be, to find out your friend is alive? but then i think there might also be betrayal, or anger or both.

and maybe also a little horror. brooklynn lost her HAND. and those moments leading up to it must have been terrifying.

i want the fact that she has lost a hand to be addressed. for instance, she can't drive her motorcycle anymore, at least not without a proper prosthesis. and its clearly something she liked doing--her helmets! one for her and one for kenji. just. AHHHHHH you know???

i want kenji to be wooed, let brooklynn woo kenji CT writers, let them woo each other.

i realize i keep meandering and never properly answering your question. im so sorry! okay--i think things will be tense, probably, with relief mixed in, but also a lot of hurt, and some anger. i think brooklynn will have her reasons, its a matter of whether or not the camp fam can accept those reasons or not, after all, we cannot force anyone to accept our apologies. i think they will however, though it may be at different stages for different characters. i think kenlynn will be able to reconcile, and im hoping for a "i knew youd come around/dont ruin it" call back. (my biggest hope is for that ghost line callback tho) but i also think brooklynn will have to show kenji that she does value his time and being with him, and just, him. which, i think its clear she does, but she got a little too consumed with her mystery for a hot sec.

[ktlsyrtis]

I've finally slept off enough of the jet lag to piece together some semi-coherent thoughts about last weekend.

First and foremost, it was so wonderful to get to see and talk to so many internet pals in person. Sharing this whirlwind experience with @seahorsepencils, @batnbreakfast, @starfleetwitch, @akaanonymouth, @iordio, @elphiessolsikke, and @ariverandasong is something I'm going to treasure always

(the rest is under the cut because this got long 😅)

Octopolis:

I have never been in a theater as small as the Hampstead. It is literally no bigger than my living room, with only two rows of seats around three sides. So when I tell you that Jemma was RIGHT THERE you can get a sense of what I mean lol.

Truly the wildest part was the moment of this person who you've seen on screen so many times suddenly being a real human person in front of you. Like I think my brain broke for the first few minutes of the show 😅. From that point forward it was just sitting back and taking in how engaging, funny and gorgeous she is in person. There were a few lines and moments in that show which will live rent free in my head forever. Especially what a huge dork of a dancer she is 😂

Afterwards the group of us waited in the cafe to say hello. When she came upstairs she excused herself for a bit because her brother and his family were there to see the show that night, which was very sweet, and then she came over to talk to us on her way out.

I know it sounds trite, but she really is just the sweetest, loveliest person. She took the time to talk to everyone and was so kind and engaged. I was able to give her the scarf I made for her. When she found out I knit it she was like "Really? Why would you do that for me??" 😂

The highlight of the evening came courteous of @seahorsepencils, who had seen the show the night before and told Jemma that a group of Berena fans was coming the next day.

Some actors might've been like 'oh god' and run for the back door. Others might make a big show about dressing up for their public. Not Jemma, oh no.

Meeting her was so overwhelming that I didn't notice at first. But while she was talking to someone else it suddenly clicked that she was wearing Bernie's pink coat! (I think I almost ripped @starfleetwitch's arm off when I realized lol) Slowly, the rest of what she was wearing sunk in:

Pink coat? Check. Black skinny jeans? Check. Sweater over a button down? Check. Chelsea boots? Check.

That's right friends. Jemma Redgrave, glorious dork that she is, FUCKING COSPLAYED BERNIE WOLFE FOR US!!!!!!

Honestly my biggest regret of the whole trip was that in the whirlwind of everything we didn't take a picture with her. Fortunately some other fan was there that night and got some photographic proof:

(yes, she is holding the scarf I made; no, I will not be able to be normal about it lol) (also when we told her we were going to Catherine's show the next day she said to "give her my love" 😍)

Great Expectations:

Another day, another incredible UK theater. The Royal Exchange is a gorgeous venue; much larger than Hampstead, but still very intimate. We were able to get seats in the front row banquettes for the matinee, which was an amazing experience.

Catherine on stage is...the only thing I can think of is a force of nature. Her sheer presence made it seem like she was a foot taller than the rest of the cast and she owned the stage every time she was on it. On top of that, she somehow she managed to make racist, decrepit Miss Havisham really hot??? Which is a contradiction my brain still hasn't been able to fully reconcile lol

Because of all the work that goes into her makeup she understandably didn't stage door after the matinee. Fortunately some of us also had plans to go to the evening show.

This time around my seat turned out to be on the aisle where she made all of her entrances and exits, which meant she was literally inches away from me every. single. time. (shoutout again to @starfleetwitch who was sitting directly across the aisle and therefore on the receiving end of many a gay-panicked stare on my part 😅)

It was a rainy day in Manchester and the official stage door is outside with no overhang, so we took a chance and hung around in the cafe/bar area after the show. We figured that Catherine going to the bar was as likely as the sun rising in the east lol

Fortunately the chance paid off - she came out to the cafe to have drinks with a couple of her costars and was kind enough to come talk to us (after asking if we could talk in the bar so she could get a glass of wine of course 😂)

I have to tell you friends, I have very little recollection of what I said from this point forward lol. Truly talking to her was like having some kind of out of body experience. There were a couple of specific moments that are burned in my memory

I gave her the shawl I made for her, and she immediately flung it around her neck and wore it for the rest of the night *cue internal screaming and flailing*

When we told her we'd seen both shows that day, her response was "Oh god why?? It's bad enough having to be in it twice"

I don't know if she like bathes in the blood of children or something, but her skin is FLAWLESS. Literally she looks 10 years younger in person with no makeup on, its insane. Also her eyes are just as sparkly as you think they are, and when she makes eye contact it is A LOT

She asked if we all wanted to take a picture and proceeded to put her arm around me ☠️☠️☠️

She spent a good amount of time talking to us and was just as lovely, funny, and ridiculous as I could've hoped lol. In particular she mentioned how happy it makes her that Berena has taken on such a life beyond Holby and that we've all made such wonderful friends because of it.

After we let her go to talk to her cast mates, I somehow poured myself into a seat in the bar and someone got me a much needed gin as we all tried to unpack what had just happened. At some point she came back into the bar and went out of her way to come over and talk to us again (she basically appeared right next to me, and when I tell you the sheer relief that it was in the 30 seconds I wasn't spouting my usual girl crush bullshit about her 😅)

...

The rest of the trip was sub-optimal, bordering on karmic retribution lol. The tire on our rental car blew out on the M1 on our way back to London, and what should have been a 4 hour drive came out closer to 9, when all was said and done. At that point there was only time to eat, sleep, and catch the plane home

I may not have had as much time to see everyone and to spend in London as I had hoped, but I have zero regrets about the trip. It was truly a once in a lifetime experience and I'm so, so glad I went

And the most important life lesson:

[holysaintscathedral]

Books for the Hierophile #2

A continuation of the first list. Once again, all titles here are a variety of het, MLM, and WLW romance and erotica and may be purchased in most major in-person and online book sellers in either physical and/or digital form. Everything is listed in alphabetical order and a synopsis.

A Leap of Faith by Mel Gough - South Africa, 1953 – Father Daniel Blakemore is happy on his missionary secondment in a small, rural Providence Hospital on the Eastern Cape. Being away from England makes it easier for him to conceal his homosexuality – a secret that would destroy everything he’s ever worked for.But when Doctor Eddie Raleigh takes up his new position at Providence, the two men are instantly drawn to one another. Their liaison represents both Daniel’s deepest desire and his worst nightmare. If the archdeacon in London learns of his true nature, Daniel’s life in the church will be over.Broken-hearted, Daniel breaks things off with Eddie. And to get away from his sorrows, he leaves his beloved missionary work behind, and returns to Stepney, London.Will time and distance alleviate Daniel’s pain, or will happiness be forever elusive? Or will love, finally, find a way?An evocative tale of love, fear and duty, set against the backdrop of the nineteen fifties, with the emergence of apartheid in South Africa and the criminal nature of homosexuality in the UK.

Blow Me Father, For I Have Sinned (4 part series) by Dirty Mary - This collection of erotic shorts (1. Bad Habits, 2. The Good Wife, 3. Confession, and 4. The Bride) feature various women and their encounters with priests, nuns, and sin. Only available in eBook Format.

Broken Vows by MJ Williamz - Sister Mary Margaret has been a devout nun for twenty years and has never questioned her devotion to the calling. But when she develops a crush on one of her parishioners, Maryann Foster, the passion between them is irresistible and her vow of celibacy isn’t enough to keep them apart. But can she love both Maryann and the Church? She prays for an answer, only to question whether God has truly given her a sign or if she is just afraid to leave the only real home she has ever known. Mary Margaret must reconcile her divided heart or risk losing a love that just might be heaven sent.

Billionaire's Sins: A Forbidden Hot Priest Romance By L. Steele - Part of Big Bad Billionaires series. Father Edward Chase. Brooding. Growly. And... unavailable. He's the hot priest. I am a belly dancer. He's haunted by his past. I am trying to carve out a future for my studio. He’s at war with himself, and I am the casualty. There is nothing he will put before his calling. No stone he will leave unturned for his flock. He’ll never give in to the attraction between us, So what if he stars in all my dreams? He may be a man of God. But for me, he is temptation personified. Making him fall for me is all I ever wanted. Until he reveals his secret.

Cardinal Sins: Seducing the Priest by Liz Steel - “I was never the church going, confessing type—until the hottest priest in a ten state radius showed up. I have to have him. I just need to get him out of his priestly robe…and into his pants. I knew he isn't exactly a saint. But can I pull it off? Will he commit cardinal sins with me? I have to find out. And I'm going to.”

Confessions: Justin’s Penance, Lust and Ecstasy by Luke Jameson - "It can't be wrong if he's a priest." Now, in one complete volume, is the love story between a priest struggling with his beliefs, and his student who goes to great lengths to justify his growing attraction for another man. Justin's Penance tells the story of how Mateo and Justin first meet, and how their explosive attraction forces them apart. In Justin's Lust, our lovers reunite at a monastery in the mountains of Virginia. Both men have taken vows to the church, but as you'll discover, promises are often broken. After an illicit encounter, Justin flees the monastery, praying to a God who isn't listening. In Justin's Ecstasy, Mateo is devastated, and goes to a strange city in search of the man who claimed his heart. Will Justin return Mateo's feelings, or will his promises to the church keep true love apart? ​​Two men are destined to be together, and the only things holding them apart are the vows they have made to the church. Will love win, or will their beliefs be their undoing?

Cardinal Sinner (Divine Domination Book 2) by Megan Michaels - Eliska Petrova grew up as a good Catholic girl in Prague, attending Catholic school, even obtaining a job in the Vatican City working for the Cardinals in the Apostolic Palace. She couldn’t imagine anything better than her job in Rome. That is, until she met the tall, dark, and handsome Cardinal Petr. The problem wasn’t that he was her boss and mentor. The problem was that she was helpless to resist her desire for him. Realizing her deep-seated, dark fantasies of pain and pleasure, power and submission/surrender with a prominent Cardinal seemed like a recipe for disaster. But that hadn’t stopped her from diving in anyway. Her temper got her into trouble with the Petr – often – and he had very creative ways of tamping down her fiery ways, the least of which was an old fashioned, bare bottom spanking. Petr Novak had studied underground in oppressive, Communist ruled Prague, even completing and receiving his doctorate in secret. The Pope ordained him as a Bishop in St. Vitus Cathedral once the Iron Curtain had crumbled, and he’d begun working his way up the ranks of the Roman Catholic Church, becoming a Cardinal in Rome. He’d never planned on falling in love with the young flaxen-haired Czech beauty. Her fire called to him though, and he couldn’t deny himself – even if that very fire threatened to consume them both. How could she commit to a man who had his eye on becoming Pope? Would she be enough – or too much? Could they find happiness with each other and the Church? 

E Pluribus Unum Book 1 - Lesbian Lust By Rowan Buchanan-Brown - 1621....Sister Benedetta is very sick. She has become plagued with demonic hallucinations; all telling her she will rot in Hell. As ministers from the government arrive at her convent to investigate; they uncover a secret relationship she has been having with a fellow Sister....2006....Marcia and Naomi are two lovers who stumble upon a dark cult when on holiday in the Amazon Rainforest. Though they escape to civilisation again, they bring back an ancient evil with them, the same evil which plagued Sister Benedetta and which threatens to turn all the women on Earth to its own wicked ways....

Emily and the Priest by Selena Kit - Her first year away from home has been a disaster for shy, awkward Emily, falling in with the wrong crowd, just trying to fit in with the other girls. When Mark, the campus psychologist, takes her under his wing, she's more than grateful, and under his tutelage, Emily blossoms into ripe, luscious fruit, just ready to be plucked. By the time Mark realizes his mistake, it's too late--Emily has fallen for him, and he for her. God help them both. Available only in Kindle and eBook Editions. Part of the Power Play series.

For I Have Sinned: A James Bay Novel by Kathleen Irene Paterka - Cursed or Blessed? A Man of God Must Make a Choice...Father Greg, a Catholic priest and recovering alcoholic, took a vow of obedience at his ordination-but thirty years later, that Roman collar chafes his neck. His love for God is not in doubt, but the same can't be said for his faith in the church. After a young interracial couple joins his parish in the small exclusive resort community of James Bay, Michigan, Father Greg finds himself waging a fierce battle fighting parishioners' prejudices. When an attractive widow from the parish joins hands with him to befriend the young couple, the problems only escalate-and so do the rumors about a romance. Caught up in a war with church leaders and his own guilty conscience, Father Greg is trapped. He's good at standing up for others, but now he needs to learn how to stand up for himself. It's the only way he'll become the man he was always meant to be-with or without the Roman collar. Part of James Bay series but can be read independently.

For I Have Sinned by Alex Grayson - “Twelve years ago, I vowed to stay celibate when I gave my life to the church. For twelve years, I've kept that vow, and not once have I been tempted to veer away from it. Until she walked into my life. Jersey, the homeless girl who sneaks into my church to steal food. From the moment I first saw her, something about her called to me. She was sent to tempt me down a sinful path, and I have no hope of denying her. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” A Part of the Itty Bitty Delights series but can be read independently.

For I Have Sinned by Dakota Rebel - “I’ve never been much for church or religion or faith of any kind really. So I never expected to become friends with a priest. And I certainly didn’t expect to fall for one. I spent most of my life pretending that I was a good son, a good brother, a good man, in an attempt to earn my parents’ approval. And now I’m just tired of pretending. Because the closer Father Luke Stone and I get to one another, the harder it becomes to deny the attraction between us. I’m not sure if he’s fighting it, too, or if he honestly doesn’t feel it. He says he wants to save my soul. But I can’t help wondering. Am I even worth saving?” Available only in Kindle Edition.

Fuck Me Father, For I Have Sinned by Naomi Ace - Warning: This 3500 word shorty story is for adults only and features delicious and vivid interactions between three consenting priests. Available in only in eBook format.

Fall Into Temptation: A Forbidden Romance Between a Naive Catholic Girl and a Transitional Deacon by Katy Fox - She’s a naive catholic girl. He's a transitional deacon. Will they succumb to the wild flames of passion? Christie Hart is raised by strict catholic parents who never let her have her freedom. But when she finally goes to Britain to attend her aunt’s wedding, she falls hopelessly in love with Vincent Knight. Fantasizing over a hot downright sexy transitional deacon? Terrible idea. But Christie can't help it. There are many rules a transitional deacon can't break. A transitional deacon cannot marry. A transitional deacon cannot abandon his flock. Vincent has always been good at following rules until Christie shows up and turns his world upside down. Can they overcome the temptation or will they fall deep into it? Find out how this totally unputdownable forbidden steamy romance ends.

For Love of God by Robin Reardon - It’s Manhattan, 1983. The Rocky Horror Picture Show is going strong at the 8th Street Playhouse. HIV/AIDS is still called “the gay plague.” The Twin Towers still stand tall. And Spencer Hill is convinced God has called him to the Episcopal priesthood. There’s just one problem. He’s gay. Determined to stay the course, Spencer avoids Donald Rainey, a young actor he’s attracted to. Then he tries dating a woman, another candidate at General Theological Seminary. Then, as a last resort, he considers a life of chastity. His attempts to deny his orientation fail, and he has a crisis of faith that nearly sends him over the edge. He’s saved by an insightful therapist and by his relationship with Donald, which he can no longer avoid. Then his life is in disarray again when Donald’s life takes a religious turn Spencer cannot accept, and he must find a path where there is no conflict between God and gay.

Grace but No Mercy by Lynn Cooper - “My name is Father Troy Hampton. From the time I was old enough to talk, my words came out as prayers. My life belongs to the church. It’s true that I’m nothing more than a mortal man made up of all the same parts as other men. However, through my devotion and unwavering commitment to Christ, I have been able to resist that which is carnal. I never succumb to the natural, sometimes overpowering yearnings and desires that rampantly pulse through the veins of all mankind. Daily, I rebuke all that is unholy. I cling to my vestments, resisting all fleshly pleasures. Forsaking all others for Him. Until her.”

Heathens (Heathens Series Book 1) by Amanda Richardson - Lily Damewood is trying (and failing) to claw her way out of her dark memories. Her weekly visit to Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris is supposed to be a way to help her move forward, even though she’s far from the praying type. She catches the eye of Salem Tempest, a seminary student at Notre Dame. When an unlikely friendship forms between them—followed by a white hot attraction they desperately try to ignore—a revelation shakes them both to their core. Lily and Salem soon find themselves connected in powerful and unexpected ways. Turns out, Lily isn’t the only heathen, and Salem is just the right person to stoke the fire within her, despite his sacred vow of celibacy.

Her Priest (Divine Domination Book 1) by Megan Michaels - Divorced and working in Amsterdam as a reporter, Chelsea never dreamed that opening a simple social media account could bring the love of her life back to her. Especially when she still isn’t convinced she was his first love. Despite being his devoted submissive—in all things—she’d let him slip through her fingers—and paid the price of ten years of yearning for him. But could an independent, strong-minded woman be just as accepting of his dominance now? A dream one quiet night in college had shown Emerson his true calling. And that calling meant leaving his girlfriend, his lover. His soul mate. But now he’d found Chelsea again, that calling seemed a world away, his need and his lust for her as overpowering as the first day he’d laid eyes on her. He has to have her kneeling at his feet once more. Even if that means leaving the priesthood. His decade long sojourn has changed him in ways he’d never expected. And now he has his Chelsea under his dominion once more, she is going to find he is even more demanding than he was as a young man. Ten years in a position of power have left him with a taste for commanding obedience. And he intends to exercise that power on his yielding, submissive soul mate. She’s won him back, but is she ready for the new Emerson? Is she ready for his particular brand of religion-tinged, taboo kink?

Lead Me Not: A Gay Christian Romance by Ann Gallagher - Isaac Morris has devoted his life to preaching against the sin of homosexuality. But when his sister proposes a documentary to demonstrate once and for all that it’s a choice—with Isaac choosing to be gay as proof—he balks. Until he learns his nephew is headed down that perverted path. Isaac will do anything to convince the teenager he can choose to be straight…including his sister’s film. When Isaac’s first foray into the gay lifestyle ends with a homophobic beating, he’s saved and cared for by Colton Roberts, a gentle, compassionate bartender with a cross around his neck. Colton challenges every one of Isaac’s deeply held beliefs about gay men. He was kicked out by homophobic parents, saved from the streets by a kind pastor, and is now a devout Christian. Colton’s sexuality has cost him dearly, but it also brought him to God. As the two grow closer, everything Isaac knows about homosexuality, his faith, and himself is called into question. And if he’s been wrong all along, what does that mean for his ministry, his soul, his struggling nephew—and the man he never meant to love? 

The Lake Michigan Affair by JacquelIine Thomas - Rosalie fell into her life, a life she didn’t want. She met Richard, her brilliant surgeon husband, and fellow Catholic as a teenager. One night in the back of Richard’s car, her fate was sealed, to be Mrs. Richard Russo. Her strong Catholic family, where faith dictates all actions, left Rosalie no other choice but to marry Richard, a man who she did not love. Rosalie’s life looked perfect from the outside, the brilliant surgeon husband, a tight-knit Catholic community in Chicago, and friends. One evening in the halls of the Field Museum, she meets the man who will change her life forever, Catholic Bishop Sebastian Cole. The Lake Michigan Affair is a story of a woman finding true love, learning who she is, attempting to flee an abusive marriage, and ultimately risking it all to be with the man she loves. Set in a tight-knit, Italian-American neighborhood on Chicago’s Northside, tradition, religion, and culture collide. The Lake Michigan Affair looks at love, not what it is supposed to be, but how raw and powerful it can be and the force it has on the lives of Rosalie’s community.

My Priest, My Husband by Deede Kress- Last night Alaina agreed when Fr. Ryan said they were an exception to the law of celibacy. But this morning she admitted she was a mere woman involved in a forbidden love affair but Ryan was no mere lover. Unwilling to give him up, how could she compete against God?

The Priest's Virgin Sinner: A Taboo Erotic Short (Her Forbidden Men Book 2) By J. C. Hardin - “I never used to be this person. I never used to have these shameful desires. I was an innocent 19-year-old who went to college while living at home with my family. I went to church every Sunday like you're supposed to. I kept myself away from boys and tried to be a good girl. I never used to be this type of person. However, things changed. Dark desires grew within me. I thirsted hard for my family's priest. It wasn't supposed to happen. But it has. Now, the only thing I want is for this holy man to show me just how unholy this world could be.” Available only in Kindle and eBook Editions.

The Priest and the Prodigal by S. Adam - Only available in Kindle Edition, The Priest and the Prodigal: A Story of Taboo Love" suggests a narrative that revolves around a forbidden romantic relationship between a priest and a prodigal. The title immediately sets up a power dynamic between the two characters, with the priest being in a position of authority and the prodigal being a rebellious figure. The use of the term "taboo" implies that their love is considered socially unacceptable or morally wrong, adding an element of danger and risk to their relationship. The title also suggests a story of redemption, as the prodigal character may be seeking forgiveness and guidance from the priest. Overall, the title suggests a dramatic story of love, morality, and the consequences of going against societal norms and religious teachings.

Pleasing the Pastor by Daisy Jane - “The Pastor looks enormous behind that podium. Almost Godly. He looks at me like I'm unexplored territory and his life's dream is exploration. When I look at him, I’m mesmerized. But you can't fall for your Pastor ten years your senior... can you?”

The Priest and the Princess by Kathryn Kaufmann - She prayed to find Mr. Right… but this has to be wrong.Is asking for a commitment-minded man too much? Laura Daniels didn’t think so, but after wasting too many years on too many losers she’s giving up hope. That is until a chance encounter with a childhood friend sparks some new feelings. He’s exactly the kind of man she wants: sweet, funny, handsome… Except Heaven help her, he’s a priest—the new interim priest at her church. Worse, despite his vow, he has feelings for her and struggles with the pain-staking guilt of believing she could be his one true love, while Laura’s heart is torn between her lifelong love for God and her newfound love for Father Carl. It will take nothing short of a miracle to find a happy ending.

Priest: An Instalove Possessive Alpha Romance By Flora Ferrari - Stand alone novel in A Man Who Knows What He Wants series, available only in Kindle and eBook Editions. “Coming out of the jungle after almost twenty years, I’m not grappling with my faith as I reconsider my future in the priesthood, it's a different sort of calling. Something I don’t even know yet, until I meet her. I’m not grappling with my faith, but I’m sure as hell gonna be grappling with my Grace. In the horizontal position, if I’ve got anything to do with it.  Her dad Carl is my best friend, we grew up together and he’s saved my ass so many times it hurts to think I’m breaking his heart by loving his daughter, but that fresh calling I got? The one that drew me from the jungle, it all makes sense as soon as I see her, and I know, right there and then that she’s my woman and I have to make a family of my own with her. Starting right now.”

The Priest by Erin Pim - When a good-hearted young woman becomes stressed at her workplace, she ends up doing things she regrets. Unhappy with her immoral actions, she decides to visit the one person she knows can set her back on the right path: a male dominatrix known only as ‘The Priest’. This mysterious character advertises an ability to purge women of their sins - exactly what our woman needs. Available in Kindle Edition.

Priest: True Love by Pamela White - Father Daniel is unlike any man Kelly Hall has ever met; while she struggles to adjust to her federal detention at Carlyle. But even within the mysteries surrounding events leading to her sentence, and her wayward boyfriend still living at home, a growing affinity for the priest of Carlyle church mass cannot be avoided forever. Father Daniel, who has been the priest over Carlyle church mass for two years, is stricken with an attraction for Kelly Hall. When the beautiful young woman begins working for him in the chapel, Father Daniel feels drawn to her and despite his protest, is weakening in withholding himself from the attraction between them.

Playing With Her Priests by S. E. Law - When Pastors Jordan and Jason stepped up to the pulpit, the breath caught in my throat. These were the new pastors at the Village Church? The men had perfect lips, tattoos swirling up their forearms, and cocky, knowing smiles that made my heart race. In fact, all the female congregants let out a collective sigh when Pastors Jason and Jordan got up to preach. But Jason and Jordan are no average men of the cloth. The two handsome priests are godliness personified, yet with a taste for sin. Book 3 of the Playing With Them series, available only in Kindle and eBook Editions.

The Priest’s Lover: A Romance by Maria Avery - On the surface, 19 year old Jessica is demure, shy, and retiring - the very image of what a good Catholic girl should be. But the holier-than-thou teen has been in love with Father Damon for as long as she can remember, and she's convinced that if she can light the fire of passion within him, his desire will turn him away from his holy devotion and towards her. As his lust turns blossoms into love, it the relationship is threatened by Jessica's jealous best friend who uses blackmail to get what she wants. Available in Kindle Edition.

Priest’s Curves: Curvy Girl Romance by Kelsie Calloway - “Ten years ago, my best friend and high school sweetheart left me to become a priest. He says he came back to town to change lives, but I know it's because of me. I'll bring this priest to his knees. Sorry, daddy, I've been bad.Or whatever it is you say in the confessional.” Book 11 in the Curvy Girl of the Month Club series but can be read independently. Only available in Kindle Edition.

Rebel Priest by Adrianne Leigh - A priest is expected to protect his flock, observe a strict vow of celibacy, and honor his vow to God. “I've always been good at obeying the rules. And then she came.With her, I'm eager to desecrate every sacrament. One filthy taste of pleasure and pain--one stolen touch of heavenly blasphemy--a lifetime of sacred torment.Forbidden love is more dangerous and more intoxicating than any other kind, and the sweeter the sin, the greater the catastrophe.By the edicts of my church, I am no longer in a state of grace. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I am a priest and she is my obsession. This is my unholy confession.”

Sexpulsion by Jorge Smith - Having been visited by awakened ghosts throughout the night, a troubled single lady feels she must seek the assistance of a local priest. She complies to cruel and sexual rituals after hearing his perverted directions, in order to restore her tranquility.

The Sinful Priest: MM First Time Straight to Gay Age Gap by M. M. Cummings - James couldn’t let the image of last night go. Ambrose was among the pews doing everything but pray with that man. And now Ambrose was ready to confess his sins. But James isn’t prepared for the truth or the sinful words coating the young man’s tongue. Each one unlocks hidden, forbidden desires inside James. Wicked desires to be with someone. Worse, to be with a man. To be with Ambrose and make him scream. Desperation floods the air. Suddenly, the priest’s collar is suffocating. The confession box, too small. Slight flecks of pleasure peak from the lattice barrier with devilish movements. James is losing it and there is nothing he can do to calm his throbbing need. He wants Ambrose. He needs him. And maybe a fall from grace could land him in a world of happiness and bliss. Only available in Kindle and eBook Editions.

Say Your Prayers by Crystal Ash and Cathryn Moon - Hell has taken over. And Earth’s last sanctuary doesn’t stand a chance. A young woman with horns was the last person Father Stavros expected to see approaching his gate, begging for sanctuary. As a man of God, he learned to never turn away someone in need, especially after Hell’s Rising. But the sinful cravings that follow him and his fellow priests are a whole new obstacle. The horned woman is a succubus--aligned with the very evil they are the last stronghold against.Which begs the question, why would a succubus seek refuge in a church?Spat up from Hell, Deyva’s arrival has made the three priests of Bethel question everything from their faith, their integrity, and the very enemy they face. She may not actually be a monster, but a person truly in need of protection, in need of love, and that rattles the Fathers to their very foundations. When Hell’s Kingdom sends the least likely adversary to Bethel’s gate to retrieve the wayward succubus, the priests are faced with a choice. Throw Deyva back to the pit that spat her out, and take a final stance against Hell with everything they’ve got. Or protect her, give in to their feelings, and risk losing the last grip on their faith.

Sweetest Sin by Sosie Frost - “The priest responsible for my salvation is the man leading me into temptation. Or maybe I’m the one corrupting him? Father Raphael St. Lucian shares my desire, but even he can’t fight our twisted thoughts and fantasies. He promises that we will be saved if we confront our lust and resist this dangerous attraction. But an innocent kiss becomes a forbidden touch, and midnight secrets destroy us in beautiful blasphemy. What happens when our faith is tested and my most honest confession threatens to break his sacred vow? How long can we deny the sweetest sin?”

Stepbrother Priest: A Taboo Love Story by Riley Jones - “I didn't care if it was a sin, I had to have him. None of it should have happened the way it did. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with Jonah. Everything about it was wrong. Not only was he my stepbrother, he was also a celibate priest. I had no right to convince him to break his celibacy, but I couldn't help myself. Jonah was sweet and muscular, the perfect man for a girl like me. So what if the church forbade our relationship? The heart wants what the heart wants. At least that’s what I had to keep telling myself. I just hoped that God would forgive us.” Available in Kindle Edition.

To Become a Priest by Den Adler - Thirteen-year-old Danny Bates is obsessed with becoming a Catholic priest, and he enters Southport, Wisconsin's, Resurrection Seminary in 1957. But a tragic fire in Chicago ignites doubts about the God Danny is so eager to serve, and he falls in love with Jessica Fernettan, his best friend Pat's twin sister. As Jessica urges both Danny and Pat to leave the seminary, and with the Church in a period of dramatic change following its second Vatican Council, the young seminarians face agonizing choices.

This is My Body by Elena Graf - The new rector of St. Margaret's by the Sea Episcopal Church has a secret. Lucille Bartlett was a rising star at the Metropolitan Opera, but she disappeared from the stage and no one knows why. Philosophy Professor Erika Bultmann is a confirmed agnostic, who doesn't have much use for religion, but she is fascinated by Mother Lucy. When Erika returns to her summer cottage in Hobbs to finish her last book before she retires, Lucy is drawn to the enigmatic professor, but she wants much more than a casual affair. Erika has been in open relationships; Lucy wants a commitment. Lucy believes marriage is sacred; Erika thinks it's a vestige of the patriarchy. When Lucy's secret is revealed, she needs Erika's support more than ever. Can they put aside their differences and find common ground?

The Temptations of Heaven by Greg Kauffman-Starkey - Father Leo Brannigan has been a man of deeply religious faith all his life. He is a respected pillar of his community and a man everyone turns to when they’re in need, spiritual or emotional. A chance encounter with a disturbed parishioner after a fire-and-brimstone sermon about homosexuality threatens to turn the good Father’s entire world upside-down. He finds himself strangely drawn intimately to the man he is counseling and is constantly thinking of him in ways he’s not ready to admit. The night he has his very first bombastic erotic dream about the fellow quickly has him questioning everything he thought he believes. Is he falling victim to the very lust he preaches so strongly against? Has the man made him wonder what he’s been missing by being a man of the cloth? If so, can Leo remain faithful in his religious convictions while growing closer to having a sexual relationship with this alluring stranger who has suddenly taken over his every waking moment and many of his sleeping ones?

Vatican: A Novel by Malachi Martin - The subject of this long and intriguing novel is the Vatican's elaborate bureaucracy, in particular its powerful financial network, headed by a mysterious figure known as the Keeper. Another central character, who gives the story its slant, is American Richard Lansing, who joins the Vatican as a young monsignore in 1945, and becomes the confidant of five successive popes. When he reaches the apex of his career, he staunchly opposes any Church bargain with Mammon. (Note: this book is not a romance or erotic story but I include it in this list because it might be of interest nonetheless).

[cinamun]

catching up might be bad for my heart, but it's good for my soul...

my heart is breaking for everyone, rah included. here's all the stuff I've been thinking, feeling, speculating on, and just wallowing in as I caught up...

rah

he cares deeply for dira

he was deeply hurt by her abandoning their friendship, and whatever simmering romantic feelings were there that were also seemingly discarded was just more salt on the wound

he knows he fucked up, but he also meant everything he said in the hotel room

he's scared of himself and what he did

he did not want to be forgiven by dira because he doesn't think he deserves to be

even though he wanted to be with her, he doesn't think she should be with him

he's only seeing the doctor because she wanted it for him, but he seemed like he would have preferred disappearing into nothing

he still isn't looking for forgiveness, but he doesn't want to be a burden to dira anymore, so he asked for what he truly knew could be certain death, to meet with darren

dira was right there and he didn't even try to speak to her, and I don't think it was because darren was there, like he knows he's at darren's mercy, but his desire not burden dira anymore and to remove even the shadow of blame from her is greater than his fear of what darren would do to him

dira

she feels betrayed by her friend

she feels betrayed by her own actions

she got called out and had to work through the difficult task of separating rah's words from his actions, of reconciling her own actions with her true feelings

she has unearned guilt about how it got to that point

she has feelings for rah, but they're all muddled because it was a dire situation that forced her to acknowledge them, and they're tainted because, for the time being, and possibly for some undetermined amount of time into the future, she may not be able to feel those feelings without also feeling the fear that preceded them

she didn't hide the truth from Indya just because she had sex or to cover for rah

she was emotionally overwhelmed with everything that happened, but the feelings were compounded by her realizing she fucked up, that she was not where she thought she was head-wise or heart-wise, that in her attempts to escape from her sister's shadow, in her desire to be seen as Indira Dior, a "woman" who has her own thoughts and is her own person and not Hope the 2nd in her parents eyes, she went about it the wrong way

she knew that telling indya would mean that she wasn't at a point where she could take full responsibility for her herself, that she was still a child, and, with or without hope as margin, she still has a ways to go

her fear about another elliot situation is 100% percent real and the way she brings it up to hope and darren is like saying even if you think I'm wrong about everything else, even if you are disappointed in me, worried for me, angry at me or the situation, at least understand, at least agree with me about that.

indya

she didn't make it about her; parents can get so wrapped up in fighting the past that they forget to see that no matter how similar the situation or how similar the personality, their child is still a person separate from them

she was hurt by the situation and it brought to mind and to heart an uncomfortable past and she did feel like she was seeing herself and she didn't want that for her daughter

she walked a fine line when talking to dira by making the connection to what was on her heart to dira, but she focused on dira's feelings and dira's mindset and dira's role in the situation

darren

he drew a line that was understandable, but also a little startling because he stood on it while his Wife was on one side and everybody else, even his child, was on the other

he acted in a way that would leave me unsurprised if he was of the mind that his love for his children is undeniable and hell hath no fury like him when he's protecting them, but children are meant to be nurtured and loved, but they will move on, and though hope might be their diamond, it's indya who is forever

jayce

he should not consort with criminals, but I think between rah and bishop, he's got people in his orbit that could help him out with some surveillance equipment so that he has back up/proof against whatever games that student might play

ATTENTION READERS™ PLEASE READ THIS!!! Excellent observations my friend!

[blackacre13]

Please part 2 of eternal sunshine

Part one above. Part two below!

“Ms. Miller, you do understand that once I do this there is no way to undo the procedure? There is no remedy or antidote to bring the memories associated with the subject of your choosing back. And you have signed paperwork and orally agreed that you will not hold me or the company responsible should you regret this decision in the future.”

“Just do it,” the blonde huffed, through gritted teeth. Off like a bandaid. She just needed this done before she could second guess herself or change her mind.

“Ms. Miller, I need your verbal consent before I can—“

“Yes,” Lou breathed. “Yes, do whatever you need to do. I just want her gone. Please.”

“Alright,” the woman nodded, coming up beside her face to place a mask over her nose and mouth. “Just keep your breathing slow and steady. Count down backwards for me from 10, alright?”

10…9…8…what am I doing? This is Debbie…5…4…I love her…3…2…1.

It’s a lot like what she thinks it would be like to die. They say that your life flashes before your eyes. That the things you see in your last few moments are the things that mean the most to you. Lou isn’t dying—she doesn’t think. There’s always a chance with procedures. Especially any kind of procedure that’s experimental and bizarre and with such a high risk. But Debbie did it. And survived. And that empty look in her deep brown eyes as she blinked twice at the blonde, not an ounce of recognition on her face—well, that proved that it had worked for at least one patient. Deborah Ocean had been beyond convinced she had never seen Louise Miller ever before in her life.

That’s what had been the final nail in the coffin of their relationship. It had seemed impossible before then. No matter how many fights or meltdowns or favorite mugs broken. Everything seemed like it could be fixed. And then suddenly there was no chance of that at all. It took two people to fall in love and it took two people to want to fix a relationship. When one of those people wiped the other one completely from their brain, well, there wasn’t much in terms of reconciling. Debbie had taken a lot away from her but this was one thing she could never take back or apologize or make up for. She had taken their memories. Their relationship. Every moment they had shared. And thrown it away. There was nothing stopping her from doing the same.

She hadn’t wanted to at first. But it was too painful. It wasn’t fair. How could she be forced to be the sole survivor of a relationship? The only one who knew the good and the bad. The only one who remembered. She couldn’t. It was too much to bear.

She could blame Debbie all she wanted. She wouldn’t be in this room if it wasn’t for her. For their relationship. For the end. For the procedure. But in the end, it was Lou who had signed the forms. It was Lou who gave consent and lay on this table and closed her eyes and squeezed them tight willing it all to go away. For her to go away.

They told her she would see them. The memories. They had to know they were getting rid of every nook and cranny that Debbie had wiggled her way into. But Lou didn’t know that it would affect her this way. That she would be mourning Debbie in a whole different way.

So it was like dying. Because in her last few moments, she knew what would be flashing through her mind. It would be this reel. This batch of memories that was Debbie and nothing but Debbie.

Seeing her. Meeting her. Kissing her. Touching her. Smelling her.

Breathing her in. Truly knowing what it was like to bask in the sunlight of her. To love her. Protect her.

She wanted it back. That feeling. How it had been to fall for her. To fall in love with her. Her Debbie. Her everything.

Lou couldn’t tell what was real and what was in her head. She knew she wanted to grip the surgeon running the procedure and make him start. That she wanted to snatch the IV out of her arm and rip the blood pressure cuff off as well. Push the nurse to the ground and run from that room. She felt like she was suffocating. Choking on the air that was quickly disappearing from the room. Maybe that meant that she was succeeding. That she was making them stop or slow down or at least confused.

But Debbie was still running through her mind. Dancing, really.

“Let me out, Lou tried to croak, not even knowing if her lips were moving. “I was wrong. This was a mistake. Stop. Please stop.”

She was choking on her tears. Memories were blurring by quicker and quicker. A younger Debbie slipping a poker chip into Lou’s back pocket and whispering in her ear. A crying Debbie sniffling against her shoulder. Debbie on her knees, her hands tugging down Lou’s pants, staring up at her hungrily. Debbie on her knees, sobbing, begging Lou to forgive her through broken gasps.

There was an odd flicker. A moment of silent air. A pop of crisp white. And then an image. Lou knew that place. She just didn’t know why. And who the hell was that woman? She may have looked familiar at one point but Lou sure as shit didn’t know who she was now.

“There she is.”

“You gave us quite a good scare for a minute there, Ms. Miller. Thought we were going to have to stop the—“

“Shhh. Shut it. You’ll ruin the whole point. She can’t know that—“

“What the Fuck?” Lou yawned, rubbing at her eyes. They felt so heavy. She wanted a cigarette. And her bed. And she wanted to know why she kept getting these weird flickers of some sort restaurant. The back of a booth. All she could see was the back of some woman’s head.

[wistfulwatcher]

Hi! I haven't been able to emotionally prepare to watch the Yellowjackets s2 finale, but even without having seen it I'm having so many thoughts.

I struggle to articulate how I feel about Natalie dying. I can feel in my heart though a way I've felt before when I start to fall out of love with a story. When I have this idea of what this story is about but then it turns out it wasn't what I thought it was.

I'm not sure whether I personally can say with any kind of confidence the decision to kill Natalie is a bad writing choice because I think what's a bad choice depends on what you think the story is about.

I think where they've lost me is that I thought this was an ensemble character study of these surviving women and the question of whether they can every integrate back into society now that their wildness has been set free. They're maenads forced to come back to their domestic lives.

I may have had a more I guess feminist view on this show than maybe it ever intended to go there. I thought this was a show about these fierce, complicated women who were able to escape the social confines in the wilderness and while now they are physically safe, feel alienated and numb. And the challenge isn't so much a survival question as it is on where they fit into the world now. In the wilderness, they probably would've eaten each other until there was nothing left. In society, they feel purposeless, alienated and disconnected. So the challenge for the adults is how to reconcile these two points. How to not devolve into mad self-destruction but also how to give their wildness room to run.

Want to know what my ideal ending was? I was hoping for a bittersweet conclusion where the women resign themselves to never being able to fit into society again and they return to the wilderness BUT this time instead of Lottie leading them, it's Natalie. That's what I thought the white moose meant, an omen that was only shown to Natalie but one that was ignored in the teen timeline as Lottie took power. And as a Mistynat person as well what would be interesting about this is that it would mean Misty was the first true believer in Natalie as queen. Someone called Misty the personification of the wilderness so that would explain why, despite Lottie being queen, it is Nat who has Misty's ultimate devotion. So in the adult timeline their fates would be unknown but at least in a way they're free now and they've chosen their trauma bond with each other over 'safer', 'healthier' options that don't feel as real and meaningful. (Also would love if Callie joined them because they bring more maenads with them)

I'm sharing this with you because I've appreciated your thoughts because they've helped me process some of my feelings over this story that I love so much, but now I'm not sure how to feel about. And also I wondered if my take on this show resonates with you because the biggest thing this is doing my head in is that I feel like I've read this story completely wrong?? And it breaks my heart to think that I did.

Anyway I love your writing and your thoughts and sorry it was so long but just wanted to say I appreciate you in this fandom <3

Thank you so much for this message, and I completely agree with 100% of what you've said here. It absolutely resonates with me, and you've identified what my biggest problem is: where season two ended up is not the show I felt I was watching in season one. I had the exact same read on it that you did, and while we could both be projecting/overestimating how feminist it truly was, I felt like the building blocks were so firmly there. I guess I was drawn to both the potential of what it could be, and the fact that it truly seemed like it was going in that direction.

I love your ideal ending for the show, and I think - even if it wasn't what we would have gotten - based on season one, it was a believable direction for the show to go. After season two, it's impossible. And I feel the same way, wondering how I could have read this show so wrong. I really don't think we did, based on the first season. But I guess if we did, it's at least the two of us in this together!

I'm so so glad that what I've written about the episode has helped you process. Screaming about it was one of the only things that helped me, and I'm still upset days later, to be honest.

I think it just hurts to have to mourn both a great character and a great show; both the show and Natalie sparked something in me that I hadn't had for a long time, and I just feel defeated about it. I know what you mean about the feeling of falling out of love with a story. That's so what this is, and that Karyn Kusama interview really put the nail in the coffin for me that this is not the show I thought we were getting. And that I have no interest in watching women suffer until they die, without offering any kind of depth beyond that. I wanted dark and complex, but I didn't want completely hopeless.

Thank you for this message, and I appreciate you being in this fandom, too! I'm so glad we can at least feel this way together ❤️

[officialtayley]

Ash, I appreciate you and I love you blog, but your stance is right now too rigid and harsh. People are giving you their view and you’re just knocking it completely down with what you believe are facts. You’re speaking in absolutes when none of us personally know what the motives of “all” pro Palestine marches are, what is going on in Palestine, where Hamas is hiding, or anything else that’s happening. You’re also admittedly getting some if not most of your information from TikTok. There is a huge misinformation battle that want civilians to be divided and forced to pick one side over the other. Most of it is being stoked on TikTok.

What the other anons and myself are trying to say is how can you possibly take a stand when we don’t even know what’s real and what’s not? Other issues - save the environment, let LGBTQ people live and thrive, BML— these are easy issues to take a stand for. There is a clear good and bad. However, Israel/Palestine is too grey. Terror attacks, hostages, retaliation, eradication, civilian deaths—its all fucking bad. And there is no clear solution. There is not even a murky solution.

The main issues I keep thinking about are that Hamas was elected to power. Hamas’ fundamental view is that Israel should not exist. Hamas is also a terrorist organization. Hamas initiated a terror attack on Israel on a jewish holiday. What should Israel have done? What should they do now? How can you reconcile “free Palestine” with what Hamas has done? What does “free Palestine” even mean? Free them from the body they elected? Free them from their conservative Islamic views? This isn’t even me being argumentative, I truly just don’t even know what “free palestine” means. How can a country run by a terrorist organization actively attempting to eradicate Jews coexist with a country filled with Jews? How will this ever go away? It won’t and this will continue in perpetuity until religion is removed from people’s lives, which will never happen.

1) i do NOT use tiktok for my information thank you. i do not like tiktok due to the fact people on there, even with non serious things, will make shit up and spread it. but there are still people on there who aren't doing that, but no, i don't get anything from tiktok. as for the marches, the entire point of them is to call for a ceasefire and free palestine. plenty have happened in my city, london and jews have been there, even haredi jews, jews who were present have spoken about what the marches were like and everyone around the world has had to clarify what the marches have been like since many of you want to decide they are created with antisemitism in mind.

2) there are so many things wrong with what you have said and you want to call me rigid yet your own stance seems very rigid too.

3) arabs have been targeted too plenty of times, why do you think there was (pretty much still is) an arab-israeli conflict? which stems from how israel was created? of course it's not right there's anyone out there who wants people gone because of their religion, but it's not exactly just jews suffering is it? not when israel seemingly has more power.

4) as for them electing hamas, at least go actually read about it. the average age in gaza is 18, the election was in 2006 so that would mean many of the population were either not born or old enough to vote. lets also take into consideration fatah and how they were eventually seen as corrupt and incompetent and all palestinians wanted was someone to do something to help them. many in gaza would rather not be governed by hamas but they were never in a situation where there was a competent party that was going to win. but that doesn't mean i should sit here and judge them and act like they all believe in whatever it feels like you think they believe in.

5) if you do not seem to grasp what free palestine means then watch this: https://youtu.be/cqbquqkN8rI?si=vG7-Z5jCSwGEcbG5

[gleefullypolin]

You know, I always thought it was so very out of character for Colin to say what he says about her like he does. Maybe it was a product of s2 being not the greatest writing wise (I am being generous) but to have that right after the scene where he tells her she's special to him just to have that be the next thing she hears from him is disjointed. It was over the top and, of course cruel, but it didn't need to be. The context of it in the book is also hurtful but makes sense for Colin at the time.

The way the show did it seemed mean just to be mean. The writing overall last season felt...directionless? To take it all the way to the wedding and not really and truly have a situation that was forcing it to happen felt overly cruel as well. I think they put Colin in a situation that is unwinnable for both him and Penelope tbh. It's a bad writing choice in general and felt wrong. That man has never said a mean thing about her and suddenly he's standing there with a bunch of men who have never been overly nice to her and he says that? Nah, Colin would never outside of some bad character assassination.

I am impatiently waiting for Penelope to love Penelope too, she's really gone through it and deserves a break, poor kid. I hope she and Eloise reconcile. I would lean towards yes because otherwise it's unresolved until s4 or further and I don't think they would call Penelopise the 2nd love story of the season if they were letting it lie.

Why they chose to take a female character out of the fridge (she's very much a fridge character in Eloise's book) and then make her the absolute worst person around is baffling to me. So many people say it's just because Polins don't like Marina because of Colin but good lord, she was going to trick him, she didn't care about him, she was rude to almost everyone with no care, and seemed fine to use people at her discretion. Then they'll defend her saying they get her choices but Penelope is the one who went too far? Marrying someone that can never get a divorce and lying to him about kids that aren't his is a better choice than her ending up with a nice man in a nice house who is raising her kids and being kind to her, knowing the situation beforehand?

Just say the quiet part you want to say about Penelope out loud because no one is buying that, friends.🙄

I'm right there with you, I can cry at any movie or book at any time. Not so much in real life but give it to me in a fiction and I'll be a blubbering mess for no real reason, ha.

Yeah I didn’t understand how he went from “You’re very special to me” to “Not in my wildest fantasies” like dude how much did you drink? It felt like sloppy writing and drama for drama sake. But I agree. I did feel like a lot of last season went to places it didn’t need to go…like really you had to get all the way down the aisle dude? It felt like it was too much.

And now we have Colin who ran off with his careless mouth and now he’s a “man” or thinks he’s a man or something. I just think it’s going to be a true coming to age, need to grow up story for them both and I think too many people are judgy and don’t let ANYONE make mistakes and expect perfection out of the characters they ship. I think it’s gonna be one of those seasons where I just enjoy the pretty pictures and don’t read any of the tags. LOL!! Because I was looking at some pics of the 2 of them from S1 and S2 and the end of last season just made no sense to me.

But after what Pen went through with both Colin’s rejection (after he just told her how special she was and held her hand and took her dancing …yadda yadda boy what were you doing….) then Eloise basically tossing her out of her life, refusing to listen to anything she has to say, I’m pretty sure the girl is over everything.

I’m pretty sure if we see anything more than just their face next season people will burn the place to the ground. LOL!!! Though I would love to see Lord and Lady Whistledown writing the paper together next season just to see heads explode. LMAO!

Marina came off as selfish, insufferable, and just unlikeable. She was mean and cruel and cared about no one. She basically told Colin, get over yourself you child. So, I don’t know. I couldn’t find her redeeming. I get it, she was in a bad place for her time, but she went about it the wrong way for sure. Especially knowing how her cousin felt about the man she was trying to trap forever. It was just a bad storyline and I’m curious how they clean that up in Eloise’s story.

Too many people are trying to sidestep the Penelope stuff by just not liking her or blah blah but a lot of stuff I’m seeing is just rude to downright non sensical. “Fat girls aren’t fun” or “Why does she get to be a main character, she’s not a Bridgerton and she’s been in all the seasons already” I guess I’m just over it.  Nicola has handled it with grace and Luke seems to be a bit more uncomfortable with the spotlight so I imagine the comments about how “the fat boy is now fuckable” must be unsightly. I could never be in showbiz. People are ridiculous!

I cry out of frustration in real life. When I get angry, tears will flow. But give me fiction and the giddiest romantic notions will set me off. It’s a tragedy LOL

[pico-digital-studios]

Into, Across and Beyond! Scripting: Many Alike

After a rather heated battle between Bently Forceloyed and Benjamin in the expansive dreamscape shared by Boyfriends, Benjamin backed up, worried for Bently.

Benjamin: I get you're upset, but hurting me isn't going to resolve your problems!

Bently: You're just saying that to break me, aren't you? You're saying that just like EVERY illusion that pathetic curse threw at me to crush my hopes!

Benjamin: H-Hey. I'm the REAL Benjamin. Not an illusion, not some tactical hope-crusher. Would I really be trying to help you if I was fake?

Bently: I... I guess not, huh.

Benjamin: You... must've been through a lot in your world, huh? If you need to, please explain what went on. I'll understand and I'll offer my support.

Bently: A-Alright, then. I'll explain it for you...

Bently's storyline started during More than One Universe.

Bently: If you're really my old self, you remember the whole push to cure all those interdimensional evils, right?

Benjamin: I do, yeah.

Bently:

Alright, so, that attempt to possess you from that horrible Puhoi curse? Well, I got off worse. I was forced to watch everybody I loved and cared for die, and I was isolated alone in my mind with no salvation. I was given a second chance, yes, but I was forced to leave my universe and integrate into a completely new one, and a new name; Bently Forceloyed.

I wasn't alone there, though. On my way in, I met a sweet young kid named Livie, who was like a little brother to me, and I also met my new girlfriend, Isabella Fondsmith. I had a good life ahead of me, but it didn't change the fact that I was still stuck with that god-forsaken curse.

In my dreams... well, more like nightmares, given their nature... I met Audrey, who was stuck there as many more before him, and he eventually broke out into my apartment, still horribly scarred from it all. No matter what he said to me about the curse, I just could NOT see it as any "gift", and just didn't want to heed that call of heroism again.

I ended up getting school to meet new friends, got a rival out of Koda, who's quite akin to Pico, and me and Livie, who's really willing to help others just out of the goodness of his heart, had to look after Audrey consistently because of that curse. It got to the point that I got Audrey to the house of a younger friend named Otto for residence.

I f-feel that was my worst mistake ever, even after the time I stopped a war from breaking out... Audrey was really down when I saw him again after two months, and... and I felt like I had just d-dumped him! I have r-reconciled with him since, but... I feel a-ashamed to call myself a f-friend towards him, even if he doesn't look d-down on me for my actions...

Benjamin: H-Hey, Bently, you're NOT useless.

Bently: (tearing up) Y-Yes I am! I've been stuck in shame for s-so long that I CAN'T see any l-light at the end of the tunnel, OR t-take that first step to peace! (feeling down) T-Those illusions were right, w-weren't they...? I'm just weak, p-pathetic, unable to truly h-help a close one, a-and a walking piece of m-misery... (looking up glumly) I c-can't choose between living my l-life as I want to o-or needing a friend t-to rely on me for w-who knows how long...

Benjamin, concerned, walked up to Bently.

Benjamin: Bently, listen. I know how horribly you've having it at the moment, and I can still relate. The harsh truth is... a friend can't rely on you forever, though I'm sure Audrey understands. You've done the best you could for him, and I'm sure he couldn't ask for anything more from you.

Benjamin: Besides, you're a better person than you think you are, Bently, hero or not. Whatever aspirations you want in life, you CAN achieve it. You just have to take that first step to finding it, and you've got your friends there to support you through it.

Bently teared up, hugging his original counterpart tight while quietly sobbing.

Bently: I-I'm so sorry...

Benjamin: Hey. I got you, don't worry.

They parted their hug as Grace and Isabella arrived next to the two.

Bently: Wait, Isabella? Is that really you here?

Isabella: Of course it's me, Bently. After what happened before, I got worried.

Benjamin: Yeah, I forgot to mention; this dreamscape's shared by any Boyfriend's crush or supporting companion, too!

Grace: What happened?

Benjamin: Well, Bently here's been going through a lot in his universe, and he's been in self-loathing from it.

Isabella: Hey, Ben?

Bently: Yeah?

Isabella: I know you've been going through a lot in those three months, but hero or not, you've still got a happy life to live, especially after you and Audrey reconciled. Besides, no matter what, you'll always have friends like me around to help you!

Grace: She's right, Bently. You've got so much ahead of you, so don't waste the opportunities you have.

Bently: Thanks... all of you. Heh, I feel a lot better after all of that. I'm sorry about the misunderstanding there, Benjamin.

Benjamin: Nah, it's all good! I'm kinda used to it.

Grace: So, what's your new home like, Bently?

Bently: Honestly, it's just amazing. I can show you these pictures of me, Isabella and our companions while we talk about it. I won't do it too long, though. I am gonna have to wake up shortly.

Benjamin: That's alright. It's been great meeting you, Bently. And besides, maybe one day we could meet in person!

Isabella: Hehe, that'd be wonderful!

And with that, they got to talking about Bently's new home in Dimension URB-2023, showing these pictures along the way:

Bently himself (the swap-in for BF)...

Isabella (based around GF, to idolising Bently's singing voice and becoming his girlfriend)...

Livie Vernal (based on Skid, being a cheerful child who's always there for Bently)...

Koda Terrafirm (based on Pico, a government agent trainee who's Bently's friendly rival in their universe)...

Otto Maypole (based on Pump, loves spring and is Livie's best kid friend)...

...and Bently's school teacher, Aiobhe Goodwin.

(All pics made with Picrew)

[kaseyskat]

in light of the journal page, I'd like to offer y'all something bittersweet.

~~

the airport is big and looming.

marcy clutches her bag so tight her hands are white. she doesn't have much in there; just miscellaneous items from her time in amphibia, and some of her own things from when her parents move that had been left at the boonchuys. still, it's enough that she feels hollow, empty, like she's already thousands of miles away.

she had gotten two weeks. two weeks of hospital checks and long conversations and tearful confessions. two weeks to reconcile seven months worth of missing time, to sort her memories out, to come to terms with all she's lost and all she still has left to lose. two weeks, and then the plane ticket had been bought on her behalf. she already has classes waiting for her in her new home, already has a life waiting for her, and yet...

...she can't do this to herself, not again.

the boonchuys and sasha are all here to see her off. the boonchuys had been housing her since the invasion, and both anne and sasha had been such active presences, marcy still doesn't know how she's going to live without them.

but they're at security now, which means it's time for marcy to step forward on her own.

she's never wanted a guiding hand more in her life.

the boonchuys are the first ones to hug her. mrs boonchuy offers her a comforting smile while mr boonchuy squeezes the life out of her, and they've been her secondary family for so long now, marcy truly doesn't know what she's going to do without them. she promises mr boonchuy that she'll still play vagabondia online with him, and they both step back, fond and proud of her in a way her own parents never have been.

sasha steps forwards next. "you're not gonna escape me so easily, nerd," she teases, but there's something hollow in her tone, longing and wistful just like the way she takes marcy's hands, clutches at them. "you gonna be okay on your own?"

"i'll call you if I need someone to kick ass for me," marcy teases right back, and she swallows past the lump in her throat to step into sasha's welcome embrace. as she inhales, her eyes sting, and she squeezes them shut to force her emotions back. "take care of anne for me?"

"only if you take care of yourself too," sasha says wetly. "i'm sorry we didn't get the time we needed."

"don't do that, please, don't apologize, it's okay." marcy finally - reluctantly - steps back, and she meets eyes with sasha, who is finally looking at marcy like she's a gem that sasha can't afford to buy- like she's valuable. it's one that marcy's wanted for herself for years now, and now that she has it, it just feels pointless.

still, she smiles, and gives sasha one last little wave- sasha smiles back, and then she's giving way for anne to dash forwards.

it feels right somehow, letting anne have the final goodbye with how long they've known each other, and this is the part that doesn't quite feel real. anne throws herself at marcy with a hunger, and marcy catches her, and she can't quite believe that this is it for them. surely she'll hug her best friend again one day, but they'll never be as close as they once were, and marcy doesn't know if it's because of the move or amphibia or both but she knows it's the one thing she regrets the most.

"I'm gonna miss you so much," anne mumbles into marcy's hair as she clutches at her. "I'll call you every day, and we can stream movies together! whatever you wanna do, promise."

"I'll miss you too, Anna Banana," Marcy whispers right back, and she sniffles, the burning in her eyes coming back with a vengeance. "it's okay, it's not a real goodbye, just a see you later. just like the temples!"

anne's voice is wobbling when she speaks next, and as she finally releases marcy from the clinging embrace she looks on the verge of tears as well. "I'll still miss you," she says, sounding almost petulant.

marcy sniffs again. "don't cry," she accuses, wiping at her eyes. "or I'm gonna start crying."

anne manages a shaky, wet little smile, before her eyes absolutely light up. "oh!" she exclaims, "I almost forgot!" she starts digging in the drawstring bag she had carried with her, brow furrowed in concentration. "I meant to give this back to you awhile ago but I thought I'd do something nice in it, give you something to read when your plane lands. only then, okay?"

it's her journal.

marcy had almost forgotten about the thing, truth be told. she remembers panicking the night after the battle of the bands, writing down a letter in amphibian runes just in case her plan didn't work out like she'd hope, and leaving the journal in anne's bag for convenient safekeeping. it hadn't been her smartest plan, because she had acted on impulse, fueled by her own guilt and last minute regrets.

somehow, it never occurred to her that anne would still have it now.

she takes it gingerly, flipping through the pages. her own notes on amphibia and rambling about newtopia make her feel small, her chest aching with a misery that hasn't quite managed to leave her yet.

"i read it," anne admits, and marcy startles, glancing back up. "I wanted to see if you wrote anything about how to travel between worlds- I didn't know how much you knew. I'm sorry for invading your privacy, but I'm not really sorry for reading it, it was... insightful."

suddenly, marcy remembers all she had written on anne, and her cheeks flush.

"it really helped me come to terms with everything, and I hope my sections help you come to terms with everything too," anne says, and she manages one more smile, one that marcy barely reciprocates.

and then it's time.

marcy clutches her journal in her arms as she forces herself to wave one more time. tears trickle down her cheeks as she turns away from her best friends, her favorite girls, the people she loves the most in the entire world.

she inhales, she exhales, and she steps into her new world; alone.

[tharros-auris-black-asimi]

Warmth

Pairing: Alpha Beefy Bucky x Female Mutant Reader

Summary: Being paired off with Bucky Barnes on a mission was hard enough. Hell, the two of you being a part of Hydra a long time ago was already hard enough. But when the two of you are forced to seek shelter in an Avengers safehouse, it gets even worse.

Because there's only one freaking bed.

Will you survive the night with the grumpy Alpha by your side? Or will you rip your hair out?

Who knows. The nights are unpredictable.

What you do know is, is that Bucky Barnes is too fucking hot for his damn good.

Maybe you just might pull your hair out.

Warnings: Heavy A/B/O dynamics. Mentions of past torture from Hydra for both Bucky and the Reader. This Bucky is sort of a mix between CW!Bucky, (hence the beefy!Bucky), but also TFATWS!Bucky bc I love grumpy old man, sassy Bucky. Some angst/hurt/comfort, because I'm a hoe for angst. No heats/ruts in this lil fic, just good ole rough smut. Some biting and some mild blood too. This sex would be considered unprotected irl, but in the a/b/o verse, I don't think you'd need protection??? Who knows. Italics are for when Bucky and the Reader are talking in Russian. The Reader also has a nightmare, which ties back in with the whole mention of past torture from Hydra. If I missed any other warnings in this, let me know and I'll make sure to add them!

Additional Notes: This was written for @agentofbarnes's writing challenge! Congrats on 7k, Zee! I'm sorry this took so long. I started writing this in July, and let it marinate for far too long. But it's here now. I hope you enjoy!

All writing mistakes in this fic are mine, as usual.

Word Count: 4,602

Hell.

This was absolute pure fucking hell.

As you and the former Winter Soldier, James "Bucky" Barnes himself stared at the front door of one of the safehouses for the Avengers in case of emergencies, you couldn't help make eye contact with him.

Great. This was just great.

No one, not even Clint had told you that it would be snowing in freaking January in rural Ohio, of all places.

Then again, you had faintly remembered doing gymnastics before you had been taken by Hydra with some arrogant Alpha guy named Lance. He had been a real pain in your ass and you remembered you had made him cry once. After you had escaped from Hydra, you had bumped into him again. Funnily enough, he was still just as scared of you as he was all those years ago. Which, you know, was nice.

But what was not nice was the Alpha that was currently looking back at you. James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky, Buck, White Panther, Jesus, Bionic Staring Machine- (the last three nicknames, all given to him by the Alpha Sam Wilson himself), scowled at you. His blue eyes even narrowed at you.

You wouldn't call what you and Bucky had a friendship. You two weren't even enemies. Heck, colleagues? Teammates? That was just putting it lightly, the relationship you had with the Alpha. Even when you had been captured and brainwashed into serving Hydra, the two of you had never crossed paths. It had been only after Hydra had fallen, did the two of you actually meet in person. Other than that, nothing. Nada. Nope. No with a capital N.O.

"Come on, let's go." Bucky all but grumbled. Realizing he didn't have the key to get inside, he looked at you. Like you had the key or something.

"James, I don't have the key." Bucky groaned. "Do you have a bobby pin, Omega? Something?" He asked in Russian. You plucked a bobby pin from your hair. A stray piece of hair fell. Putting the flat side in, you managed to unlock the door. You turned to look at him, giving him a toothy grin.

"Learned that from Pit Pocketing for Dummies, 101."

Bucky rolled his eyes at that. You just sniggered as you opened the door, greeted by cool air smacking against your face.

It made you shiver.

Because, unlike Bucky, you did not have any of that good ole supersoldier serum in your veins.

You were a mutant that could control water. Sometimes, you wished that you had the ability to control fire, because then, at least you could be warm in such dire situations such as these.

Taking your shoes off and putting them at the door, you surveyed the place.

It was a small house. Like a cozy little cottage. Probably only had at least two rooms at the max. It certainly gave off that vibe. There was a fireplace in the living room. A fully furnished kitchen, complete with a little wooden table with benches instead of individual chairs near the window.

Your grip on your bag of clothes became tighter as you realized that you needed to take a shower. Your stomach grumbled, alerting Bucky that you were hungry. Your comms had died. The two of you could contact no one until you charged them.

Which meant for at least tonight, or whenever the snowstorm outside stopped, you only had Bucky Barnes for company.

Well. That certainly would be pleasant.

"Go and shower first. I'll make dinner."

***

After your shower, you walked back into the kitchen, your sweet smell that reminded Bucky of deserts that his Ma used to make for him and his younger sisters back in Brooklyn drifted towards his nose. Thanks to the serum, he had already smelled it a mile away.

Cinamon rolls. Apple turnovers. Apple pies. Pumpkin pies. Bucky felt his Alpha rumble at the smell. Even Winter stirred at the familiar scent he loved so much.

When Bucky had gotten the trigger words wiped away from him due to Princess Shuri's genius, the Winter Soldier hadn't gone away from him. Rather, Winter had become a part of Bucky. Winter had been what Bucky became to survive Hydra. Winter was Bucky, only darker. More possessive. The deepest, darkest thing of him that the Wakandan Elders had helped him find again and reconcile with.

It was during times like this, making dinner in the kitchen that reminded him so much of his time back in Wakanda. Taking care of his farm and his pet goats, (that he sadly couldn't bring back with him when coming back to America), that he missed the most. It was domestic, in a way. He could almost feed into the fantasy, the thought that you were his Omega, his Bondmate, and that he was just making dinner for you.

From an outsider's perspective, it might've looked like Bucky didn't like you. That he just tolerated you. Treated you like how he treated everyone else in his life.

But it was the contrary.

He liked you.

He liked you very, very much. Other than Steve, Natalia, and heck, even the winged pigeon- you were one of the only people to truly understand him. You were probably even on the same playing field as Natalia, because you knew what it was like to be controlled by the Russian government. You held him at an arm's length at most, and you never treated him like he was some fragile, broken man. When you treated his wounds, you never fretted like other Omega's. Nor did you dottle. Ask him if he was okay every five seconds. It was disappointing in a way.

Bucky turned his head, just as you hopped yourself onto the counter, away from the conduction stove.

The smell of butter pasta was filling your nose. You watched with rapt attention as Bucky shut off the stove, grabbed the freshly grated cheese, and dumping it in. To hell with calories. Stirring quickly for a few seconds, he stopped. Turning his head to look at you, he gave you a low smirk. His scent of something sandalwood, oceany filling your nose. It made your Omega preen.

"Get some bowls, will ya doll? And forks too." Hopping off of the countertops, he heard a chirping, yet sarcastic reply.

"Yes, Sarge."

He felt his pants tighten at the thought. Hearing you grab all of the stuff, he swallowed.

Not that he would tell you that.

No.

Never.

***

"Oh, you've gotta be fucking with me."

So, as luck would have it. There weren't two bedrooms.

Nope.

There was only one.

Not only that, the entire room was fully furnished. A closet was on the left side of the door, against the wall. There was a window and just a bit to right, in the middle of the room, was a queen-sized bed, all made up with all the fluffiest blankets, comforters, and pillows imaginable.

"And you're sure this is the only room?" Bucky said. "Yeah! It's the only one, James. It's either this or the couch. And I'm not sleeping on the couch. It's too cold. Whoever built this safehouse didn't have any heaters built in either. Fuck, is this how I die? Freezing to death?" Your voice was getting higher with concern.

Bucky just rolled his eyes.

"No, doll. You're not to freeze to death. We're going to share that bed."

You turned your head towards him like he had just grown a second head. "What?" you exclaimed. "No. No, no, no. Noooo. James. Nu-uh. Uh-uh. I'm not going to sleep with you in my tank top and underwear. the least you've seen me in is a pair of short shorts and a tank top."

Bucky inhaled deeply through his nostrils.

Get yourself together Barnes.

Don't throw her over your shoulder.

Don't do that.

"You're a water mutant, doll. You're not a fire mutant. You aren't a supersoldier either. I'm not letting you freeze to death. I'll keep you warm all night. Better yet, don't sleep in your tank top and shorts. Our body heats will do just fine." Bucky snapped at you. You were still trying to collect your thoughts.

And then the realization, the reality of your situation, smacked you right across the face.

Bucky was asking you to sleep naked.

With him.

In the same frigging bed together.

Oh you were going to die. You were going to die and go up to wherever other spirits went to after they died. You weren't really all that religious nor spiritual.

But tonight though?

Yeah. Maybe you believed. Maybe a little.

Just the slightest bit.

"Okay, okay," you grumbled, "I won't wear any clothes. Better yet, I'll even give you a show. That'll even out the odds, James."

***

Warm.

He was just oh so warm.

Your back was flush against his front, feeling skin-on-skin.

You had stopped shivering about an hour ago.

Bucky had scouted the safehouse, to see if there was actually a heater, in case you had missed anything.

Nope.

There were no heaters in the safehouse.

Absolutely none.

Not to mention, all of the blankets weren't as thick. From what Bucky had observed a few hours ago after dinner while you had tackled the task of doing the dishes, was that the safe house had been abandoned for a while. It was either that, or nobody had stocked this place up for a while.

He had chosen the latter.

With his strong arms wrapped around your stomach, he pulled you close. You were asleep. Dead asleep. Bucky felt and saw your body rise up and down as you slept, your breaths all evened out.

It was nice, almost. Outside was quiet. Bucky could hear other than your breathing only the soft wind blowing due to the snowstorm outside.

For a moment, Bucky was lulled into a sense of calm. His mind was clear. His Alpha and Winter were quiet. He didn't have to fret. Or look over his shoulder. Didn't have to second guess himself or his actions anymore.

And then he heard it.

Soft whimpers coming from the sweet-smelling Omega that he was currently holding in his arms. You had begun to squirm, arms thrashing out. Your legs smacked on his knees, trying to desperately claw yourself free from his tightening grip on you.

"... I'll be good... just don't chuck me in the freezer again... please sir... I hate it there... please don't chuck me in the freezer, please..." you were sobbing in your sleep. You started to blubber, continually trying to claw yourself out of Bucky's grip. The metal plates of his Vibrainum arm shifted as his metal fingers tightened around your stomach. Bucky knew not to apply too much pressure on you- you weren't like him, Steve, or Natalia. You didn't have the serum in you.

"Doll? Hey, doll. C'mon, wake up. It's not real." Bucky tried shaking you awake to no avail. You had continued to thrash in his arms.

Sniffling loudly, your Omega was thrashing in her cage, in the confines of your mind. She was whispering, yelling at you to wake up.

"Omega. Wake up."

Bucky didn't mean to use his Tone. But you were being so hysterical, shaking, and crying to the point where it was beginning to worry him. Your sweet scent had begun to twist and turn into something more burnt. Singed. It made his eyes water.

You stopped thrashing in his grip. Your body froze up at his use of his Tone. Your Omega stopped throwing her temper tantrum too. She had paused for a second.

Her Alpha had given her a Command.

So why wouldn't she listen?

Peering from her cage in the confines of your mind, she sighed happily.

Alpha. Alpha cares about us. She whispered in your ear.

Slowly returning to consciousness, you struggled to know where you were for a second.

You had been having a nightmare.

A full-fledged nightmare.

You hadn't had one of those in a while.

"... Where am I?" Your voice was gentle but confused.

You still didn't know if you were still in that godforsaken Hydra facility or not. But you just wanted to make sure.

"Here, doll. You're here with me. We're in Ohio, remember? Sharin' one bed together cause I don't wanna be a bad Alpha and letcha freeze to death." Bucky said.

You couldn't help it. You snuggled into him, hearing a deep rumble coming from his chest. Bucky's Alpha was pleased. Very pleased. Winter was quiet. Which surprised Bucky. The little shit was usually more vocal about his own needs these days.

For a moment, it felt okay. You felt that weird fog lifting. Your brain slowly settling in your current surroundings. Your sweet, filling scent that had twisted and burnt into something smoky and burnt was slowly wearing off.

You were still a little shaken up. You could still hear your screaming echoing in your head. Your voice trembling, and because you didn't know if you were still stuck in the facility, "How long?"

"Not long."

Bucky watched as you lifted your head up, blinking once. And then twice. And then again, just to be sure.

Your body felt like it still wasn't physically here. Your body still felt like it was back in the cryo chamber, stuck in that damn freezer. Bucky watched your chest heave up and down. Taking in deep breaths.

Then you flopped right back into your previous spot, your back facing his front. Bucky pulled you back with his metal arm. You heard the metal plates in his arm readjust and move. You couldn't help it. Your vagina throbbed at the sound. Chewing on your bottom lip, you wiggled a little bit.

A deep rumble had come from Bucky.

The metal-armed Alpha had pushed a little bit of his weight down on you. Making you feel all warm and safe with the sandalwood and salty scent wrapped all around you like a cocoon.

You wiggled up against him again, trying to get comfortable. Your eyes closed.

A deep groan came from Bucky.

Was he asleep?

You stopped moving.

Another groan came from Bucky. His arms were wrapped around you. Not tightly, but still. It was kinda nice in a way. You could feel every muscle on his broad chest against your back.

Maybe Bucky had the right idea to sleep naked after all.

You shifted again. Trying to wiggle out a little out of the embrace.

A deep growl rumbled from Bucky. His grip on you tightened. You squirmed against him again.

Voice gravelly, "Stop moving."

Your eyes flew open.

He was awake.

And you had been-

Letting out a hiss, Bucky pushed his entire weight onto you and grinded his half-hard cock against your ass cheeks. Not even caring about if his entire weight would crush you, because of the serum.

He saw red.

Pure absolute red.

You choked. A needy little whimper filled the room.

Bucky's metal hand traveled down, all the way down to your pussy, his knee pushing your legs apart. You were panting in anticipation, eyes wide as saucers. His metal fingers were shoved deep, all the way to the knuckles. A pitiful whine left your lips. A needy whine too.

When he entered you, a choked sob escaped from your lips. Your hands curled into fists, eyes rolling into the back of your head as the formerly brainwashed assassin let out a growl.

"So sick and tired of you teasin' me," was what the former Winter Soldier growled under his breath, hissing at the way your cunt wrapped around him. Slick was smeared around your inner thighs, and you couldn't help but sob at the feeling of being so full.

Bucky was groaning above you, his hands nearing shaking.

Never had he ever thought he could ever get to do this again.

Because Bucky very much still liked sex. He very much so was a sexual creature. Being inside you gave him flashes of his life before Hydra. It made him remember a much skinner, smaller Steve. A much duller, war-stricken Brooklyn. It made him remember the giggles of Omegas. It made him remember his Ma's cooking growing up. Rebecca's giggles in his ears. Just like the old times.

Not for the first time in his life, he didn't feel trapped.

He felt free.

This was freeing to him.

And when he began to move, position his hips against your back, smacking roughly. Good enough to leave marks in the morning.

Wet, squishing noise echoed noisily every time he bottomed out of you. Every thrust in, filling you, completing you. It sent you gasping and crying out into the pillows. His hands- both metal and flesh, reached under you, to grab ahold of your breasts in a tight grip that only made you sob for more.

"More, more, more, please James, please-"

Something snapped in him.

Broke.

Bucky had never felt this feral before. The last time he felt this feral had been the hours when he first presented.

You whined loudly when he slid out of you, crying out at the empty feeling. Your Omega screeched in alarm.

Why had her Alpha stopped? Why?

Grabbing ahold of your legs, he lifted them up. Before he thrusted back in again, filling you up to the brim. It was deeper than last time, and his cock hit that spongy part. Hit your g-spot so good that you screamed into the pillows.

You were coming. You were coming so fast, that deep coil inside you snapping like a bomb wire being cut that you never got the chance to feel your programs. Your body jolted, spasmed. Your legs lifted off of the bed or at least tried to. Bucky's body weight was still keeping you down. So all you could do was grip the bedsheets when Bucky started to pound into you again, taking all he could.

You couldn't help yourself. You glanced back, just to take a glimpse of him.

James Buchanan Barnes looked downright feral and your pussy clenched around him deeper at the sight. as if she knew.

Every thrust made him go deeper, hitting your cervix every time. It made your second orgasm piggyback off of your first one, sobbing into the pillows. It was only when your second orgasm came, your walls clenching down onto his cock that Bucky's teeth sank into your shoulder, shattering, breaking the skin there. The taste of copper filling his mouth. Bucky let out a grunt as he came. Filling you up with so much of his jizz that he was sure it would drip from you tomorrow morning.

Bucky lifted his mouth from your shoulder.

Pants filled the room as the two of you tried to regain yourselves.

Bucky shifted, moving off of you and lying beside you. His eyes weren't black anymore. They were back to their normal blue. They reminded you of the sea in the morning on a peaceful day.

Your hand came to touch his face. Your hand faltered, trembled though. Because you were nervous.

"It's okay," his voice was deeper, huskier. It made your pussy throb. "You can touch me. It's okay."

Your hands came to touch, cup his jaw. You leaned in, pressing your lips against his. His lips were soft. Your lips moved together, his tongue slipping into your mouth. The kiss became deeper. You hadn't expected it to become deeper. You had been just going for an innocent kiss.

You swore.

Like- you really did.

You didn't expect to be fully making out with James Buchanan Barnes.

But it wasn't like you were complaining though.

Because you weren't.

Bucky was the first one to pull away. He could see how red, bruised your lips looked. He didn't recoil from your gentle touch on his face. He welcomed it. He truly did. Hands holding your hips, he looked at you.

His lips traveled down to your mating gland. He touched over it with his tongue, giving it a broad lick. His teeth sank in, piercing the skin.

Your ears popped. You cried out. His grip on your hips didn't falter.

"Yes, yes, yes," you gasped. Bucky lifted his mouth up from your gland, before sinking his teeth back in and biting again. Making his mark all that deeper.

It was only when he lifted his mouth from your gland, wiped your blood off of him with the blanket did you come at him, sinking your teeth into his gland. It made him grunt, even groan. His flesh hand came to your head, pushing your head down, making you sink your teeth even deeper into his gland.

"Yesss," hissed Bucky, his flesh hand sinking into your hair, gripping it. "Deeper, doll. Go deeper."

Winter and his Alpha completely agreed.

Theirs.

You were theirs.

After what seemed an eternity, you lifted your head up. Wiping your mouth on the blanket, you spoke.

"I missed you. What did you do to get us paired on this mission? I thought I was going with Sam," you said to your Alpha. A smirk stretched over Bucky's lips. "Ah," your Alpha said, still smirking, "I might've put something in his drink to make him vomit his guts out. He got sick."

A noise came from you.

"You gave him food poisoning? James!" You scolded him. Bucky leaned back against the headboard. "Don't worry doll, it'll wear off when we come back to the Compound. Bird Brain won't even know what hit him."

You shook your head in disbelief.

"You're unbelievable, Sasha. Did you teach Natalia that trick, too? Hmm? She and all of your Widow students?"

Bucky was still grinning ear to ear at you when he responded back.

"Well little bird, someone had to teach them. After all, I was their teacher. They all called me Yasha. Speaking of my Widow students..." he trailed off in Russian. You looked at him.

"You've contacted one of the KBG? About that leaked Russian tape with the orange man that is, unfortunately, our President?" He asked you. You nodded. "Yeah, Sasha. Everything's going as planned. Although, I think assassinating the orange man would've been a much better option. We would've gone in there and made it a done deal by now! Fuckin' Steve and his righteous self." You grumbled unhappily.

"Hmm. It would've been great as a date night. Don't you think, doll?" Bucky drawled. You gave a serious nod.

"Although... seeing him freak out on Twitter is much, much better. The tea is better when it's hot." You grinned. Bucky just let out a sigh.

"I'm restricting your phone privileges. And your TV privileges. You need to stop watching those drama channels, Mega."

A noise of deep discomfort came from you.

"Sasha!" you whined, "then what will I do while you're gone on missions?"

"Wait for me to come back?" Bucky suggested. You just sighed. Even shook your head in fondest. You happily snuggled up to your Alpha, your nose rubbing up against your Mate's gland. "I always wait for you to come back, Sasha. I wait and I worry. I love you, James."

A deep rumble came from your Mate.

"I love you too, Little Omega."

Your head peeked up.

"So, can we tell the rest of the team when I leak the tape?" You asked, your eyes glimmering with mischief.

Bucky burst out laughing.

"Yes, yes, yes. We can tell them once you've wreaked havoc, Omega."

"Good." You were nodding seriously, in complete agreement. "It'll be fun. And... also, I forgot to tell you."

The joyful expression on Bucky's face was suddenly replaced with one of worry.

"What? What is it?" He asked gently. "When you were gone for your last mission two months ago... I... I came off of my suppressants. I'm ready, James. I want a family with you."

Shock flickered over Bucky's face. And then he was shoving you back into the bed with a shriek coming from you.

"When's your pre-heat?" He demanded.

You felt it. A cramp. It made you whimper.

"N-Now, James. Now," you stammered. Your Alpha pulled your legs apart roughly before he thrusted back into you, making you gasp.

"Say it," he hissed. "Say you want it. Say you want my knot. Say you want my pups."

"I want it, James." Your voice was a low whisper, even staggering a little bit. "I want your knot. I want your pups. Please. Please, Sasha."

His hands, both metal, and flesh gripped your shoulder tight as that vein of his neck nearly popped. His eyes were black with want. Soon, his Rut would be upon him and he'd breed you. Put his pup in you. You'd carry his pup. He'd have the pack that Winter and his Alpha desperately wanted after all these years.

A whine came from you when he pulled out, only to let out a scream when he thrusted back in. Hitting that part of you that made your eyes roll into the back of your head. Your mouth fell open, but no words came out.

His pace was brutal, not even letting you hold onto him. Your hands were left to grip the bedsheets again. You gripped them so tight that your knuckles turned white and you thought that they were going to pop.

Bucky continued to push, continued to shove his ejaculate deeper and deeper inside of you. A mixture of your slick and his ejaculate smeared all over your thighs and trickled down your legs, and you just didn't know what was happening. Your hindbrain was telling you that this was what was needed. That your designation wanted, nay, demanded this. After all the shit you had gone through, your Omega had found her Alpha and now, now she was determined to have a family. Have the pack she desperately desired.

"Mine."

A harsh thrust made you sob.

"You're mine now. I waited for you for so long. Wanted you for so long. You're mine now. Got my Mark. Got my clothes in your nest. Gonna give you my name. Gonna give you my pups. You're mine. All mine. Say you're mine. Say it!"

You came screaming. Your orgasm making you see white. Bucky continued slamming into you, the wet, squishing noises coming from your pussy becoming louder and louder the more he pushed in. Your teeth sank into his flesh shoulder, shattering and piercing the skin there. You tasted copper in your mouth.

Bucky came with a shout. He shoved you back completely, making you shriek. And then he was leaning in again, sinking his teeth into your gland. Making another deep mark. It made you fall limp into the bed as his knot swelled, locking the two of you in place.

He lifted his head.

Being inside you... knotted inside of you... it was bliss. It was just as good as cockwarming. His cock all nestled deep inside of you whenever you two would sneak off to sleep together.

"Bite me again. Give me your mark, Omega." he panted. Slowly, your head went up, you slowly sat up, before taking in a deep breath and sinking your teeth back into his gland.

Home.

You had brought Bucky home. He held you tight, whispering in your ear how much he loved you and how much of a good Omega you were.

"I love you Omega." His voice was rough.

Lifting your head from his gland. Blood still trickling down the corners of your mouth. You offered him a smile. A genuine one. One that made his stomach all fluttery.

"I love you too, Alpha."