#have a dumb ways to die video

[ineedlelittlespace]

I keep seeing these videos from TikTok or reels or wherever that are just clips of people's miscellaneous near-death (e.g. a bicyclist running from a surprised moose) and/or mildly dangerous, but mostly embarrassing (e.g. almost flailing out of a boat because there's a fish stuck on the person's shoe) experiences, all overlaid with the chorus from the "Dumb Ways to Die" song.

And because my brain is only focused on one thing right now, I was immediately struck by the image of Murderbot taking the drone footage of when its humans' antics fall into the less dire range of the "dumb and dangerous" category, editing the in-universe equivalent of that song over it, and sending it back to the humans in question as a very petty, very pointed DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.

[devicecontact]

I hate that true lab gaster amalgamate theory video so much never talk about alyphs that way again

[chaogongoozles]

// vent , journal?, letter to the void to a specific person? Whatever, if ya know ya know//

Didn't think I'd have a close pal choose to be a dirty fucking pig (cop) apologist knowing damn well everything they do and done to marginalized groups, all while trying to tell me "I don't support them!.. but also don't call my coworkers pigs that's disrespectful >:(" bitch??? Blow it out your ass, you wanna fuck around with the pig squad thinking you can 'be a good one' while still supporting them because you work with them? Fine by me, but you're not my friend or ever will be as long as you keep that bluelivesmatter mentality knowing damn well who I am, or who my partner is, or everyone close who has been directly affected by them. Already trying to say the 'negative talk' that cops get is what's the main issue in society™ without wondering WHY so many people fucking hate cops? Or thinking the horrible conditions prisoners are put in is the police 'being underfunded ' when that's by fucking design? Crying that people are calling you horrible shit for being a cop apologist? Boohoo cry me a river, that'll never be nearly as bad as the abuse and deaths millions of people (majority black or Native American) face from the hands of the police.

Damn fucking shame you listened to all the goons around you + those back at home who brought you and your amazing artwork down to the point you even had to work with dirty swine. Thinking that's the only way you can "help people" when you know damn well there's many more opportunities and positions that actually help people (even incorporating your art into it), but instead choosing the very thing that's suppressing us while throwing away your hard work/passions. Fuck you. If you're going to chalk up the horrors that are happening as "fake news/online garbage" or "dumb people recording cops and wondering why they're getting arrested", you're already too far gone.

RIP to the person I once knew and loved. Guess what they say is true, you either grow with friends from childhood/highschool or grow apart. We've obviously grown apart. So good bye.

[seungfl0wer]

Hyunjin As Your Boyfriend

Bangchan | Minho | Changbin | Hyunjin | Han | Felix | Seungmin | Jeongin

Contains Smut🩷

Small note, hyunjin is really just- coming for me lately. So I needed this more than I knew lol

-🩵

•The hopeless romantic.

•He’s thinking of the best. Date ideas.

•They’re so thought out, so unique and cute-

•Takes you two to the beach for a beautiful picnic.

•Movie nights laying on your bed with a projected on the ceiling so y’all can cuddle.

•Plans cute painting dates.

•Speaking of paintings.

•Has so many doodles, drawings ext that are of you or things that make him think of you.

•Your first date? It’s a painting.

•That one picture he just melts seeing.

•It’s a cute little doodle he keeps in his phone case.

•Loves writings you little notes that you can put in your phone case.

•Loves telling others “that’s my partner”

•Gush’s about you a lot.

•Especially to the members.

•Which he always likes to tease you about them.

•”Ah- y/n why are you talking to innie? I’m right here? Your handsome boyfriend”

•And when you give any of them a hug.

•Mans whining “Right infront of me? How could you. We need to go home and change your clothes of his dirty touch”

•All in good teasing, makes you laugh, makes the members laugh.

•Sits and judges people with you.

•Like you don’t like someone?

•He’s picking up the same vibes but it’s plastered on his face.

•Random dance battles.

•Ending in you both on the floor laughing at each other.

•He’ll do the little “ew” thing to you when you ask for a kiss cause you pout and he just loves that.

•”Ew we can’t kiss! I have a partner”

•Likes to take you traveling with him especially to fashion shows.

•You’re always his plus one for anything.

•Tells you all the time “you should model you’re stunning”

•Ugh and this mans complimenting you so much.

•”My partner is just amazing, they look so pretty, they’re so stunning”

•Tries to learn about stuff you like so you both can do it.

•You like Knitting? He’s learning it.

•You like to play a certain game? He’s trying it out too.

•He gets the big sad when he’s away.

•Literally thinks he’s gonna die.

•Calls you from his room saying “I can’t go on my babies not here with me, it’s been 6 years”

•Dramatic man.

•Sends you so many dumb (cute) little videos.

•Also sends you so many pictures.

•So. Many. Pictures.

•Also listen- yall getting matching jewelry.

•Because he’ll be on tour and see these cute bracelets and need to get them for the both of you.

•He’s a really good gift giver too.

•Not that you want him too, and no matter how much you protest.

•He finds the most you gift. Like it’s scary.

•Overall this man is such a hopeless romantic.

•Be ready to be treated like a god.

•Cause honestly that’s how he views you.

︵‿︵‿୨Smut Below୧‿︵‿︵

•He’s just as romantic in the bedroom.

•Does the whole rose peddles to the bed.

•Candles, good music ext.

•His favorite way of fucking you is anyway he can see your face.

•He just wants to be able to kiss you.

•Hands frantically touching your body.

•Also think he’s very vocal. Not so much talking.

•More of he has his head in your neck moaning and groaning.

•Is definitely leaving marks on you. Thinks they’re pretty.

•Im a firm believer that he loves when you ride him facing him.

•He can hold onto tightly, hands running all over you.

•Both of your faces contorting in pleasure.

•Likes when you suck or bite his neck.

•Honestly probably likes when you choke him. Not hard but just enough.

•If he does talk it’s him whimpering about how good you feel or how good you’re doing.

•If you got tittie he sucking them. Feel like he’s a tittie kinda guy.

•Man also really enjoys shower sex.

•It’s just so so intimate.

•And this. This is the most loving kind of sex.

•It’s normally when he is really needy and just wants you.

•The feeling of the warm water while he fucks you makes him cum so fast.

•He just loves loves it.

•Aftercare with him is a lot of loving words.

•Cuddling on the bed as he pushes his hair out of your face.

•Telling you how much he loves you.

💙 If you’d like to read more of my stuff you can find it Here: Master List . Thank you for reading and if requests are open or you just wanna talk feel free to send me something🩵

[cheriladycl01]

Funny Gaming moments with Lando and Max (F) x QuadrantStreamer! Reader

Plot: Just funny moments where Reader is a member of Quadrant and is a big UK streamer that does everything on Twitch and YouTube.

A/N: this is only small and just for fun, better Lando stuff is coming out.

Moment 1:

"Do you earn more than Lando Norris, chat you guys are wild ... but honestly with my individual sponsors, YouTube and streaming and any of my weird side activities I think it'd be up for debate" you giggle not actually knowing how much difference there was in what you or Lando earned.

"Not girlie casually admitting that with her side hustle she earns as much as an F1 driver, yeah guys, you gotta think I stream and upload full time. So i get paid for each YouTube video I do, I'm a twitch affiliate and you guys are so so generous. I game competitively and earn from that. I have sponsors, so ... lets just say i had no trouble buying Lando's Christmas presents" you grin, knowing the man had widely expensive taste.

"Who am i spending Christmas with, well Lando's family has asked if I'd like to join them, but I'll be spending the holidays mostly with Max and Pietra. Oh my gosh guys, did you see Instagram? I met Martin Garrix! How cool is that!" you laugh.

Moment 2:

"So I'm here today with Lando, and I'm teaching him Valorant, he knows that I'm in good but I don't think he knows I'm Immortal" you say until you unmute yourself in discord.

"Hey Lando baby" you joke but all you get from the otherside is silence which makes your chat go absolutely crazy.

You hear a few coughs that sound like choking, so you check his stream making sure not to tab out on stream, seeing him sat there in shock in his chair blushing.

"Lando?" you ask, and you watch as he rearranges himself in his chair pulling the mic closer to him.

"Hi, hello yes. Sorry you just threw me off guard" he laughs, wiping across his face with his fingers.

"What are we?" he asks, and you burst out laughing at the question which makes him laugh too. Chat on both ends starts going crazy, with the spam of Lando Norizz <<< Y/N the Rizzler and you were both dying.

Moment 3:

"Argghh fuck" you scream leaning back and fulling falling back off your chair. You were currently playing the horror game ' In Silence with Max, Lando and Ria.

"No way did Y/N just fall?" Max asks laughing at the girl whose stream he pulled up seeing her laying on the floor gripping her shoulder while her chair was now also laying in the floor.

"SHE DID" Lando laughs and you groan out in embarrassment.

Moment 4:

"What was that chat? My door reopened and closed shut while I was gone?" you ask looking back at your door. You knew you were home alone, the only people having a key to your apartment being Max and Pietra and Lando. But they were all travelling right now and were on the plane.

"Chat, stop messing with me" you scold jokingly, you start to load up the game your changing too. However a knock at your bedroom door has you stilling.

"What" you mouth looking at the camera. You go to the door, chat spamming saying how by opening the door that how all the dumb movie characters die. You here another knock making you flinch, you rip open the door, screaming when you see the scary mask, jumping and tacking the person now.

"Ow Y/N fuck" you hear and you rip the mask of, knowing that voice but not wanting to assume.

"Lando?" you ask looking at him.

"I thought it would be funny" he jokes laughing.

Moment 4:

"So Lando, Max and I thought it would be funny to play Valorant but for every kill we get we do a shot" you exclaim.

"Y/N gonna need new kidneys by the end of this? Hmmm very true, maybe we change it to every time we die we do a shot?" you ask seeing what chat's opinion would be on that.

"Then Lando and Max will be needing new kidneys? Well, I'm playing on my alt account and I'm just chilling so we'll be in gold/silver lobbies. Last time we played on my normal account, it was a struggle.

"Lets ask what they prefer! Guys? You want to do shots every time we get a kill or when we die?" you ask after unmuting yourself.

"We playing with MILF account of FnaticY/N?" Lando asks.

"MILF of course. And no comps, I'm not being called a booster" you grin and Max groans, Max was gold 2 and was asking for you to coach him, you had watched him in unrated's but refused to do comps together.

"Wait, when did you change your name...didnt it used to be Ilovetits6?" Max laughs.

"Yes, but chat started to call me mother? So i just rolled with it" you grin looking at chat and winking.

Moment 5:

"Are you and Lando Norris dating?" you ask, and then you open your phone and call Lando himself.

"Hey baby!" you smile and show the chat what Lando is saved as and the picture while he's on speakerphone.

"Hey love. I'm a little late coming back. I got stuck here with Zac and Oscar, but Max and P wanted to know if you would like to go out for dinner with them tonight" he asks and you laugh.

"Wait, Y/N are you live"

"Maybe, look you said you were ready to go public. So this is payback for what you did to Max on stream!" you laugh, knowing he wont be mad at you, as you'd talked recently about going public.

"Exposed? Yes yes i did" you grin.

Moment 6:

"Y/N your boyfriend is horny come sort him out" AngryGinge says adding you to the call forcefully mid stream.

"Mmmm that sounds like a job for you" you says seriously and you pull up his and Lando's stream to watch what was going on. Some people had come into your stream to say to get Lando to end the stream before PR has his head.

"He's been moaning on stream Y/N get your man and take him home"

"Yeah sorry let me just hop on the jet to Monaco..." you joke, knowing you definitely don't have a private jet.

"Wait, just how rich are you? Your boyfriends out here buying watches for 400k, you have a private jet. This just ain't right!" he exclaims making you laugh.

"I don't have a private jet. But... I've been in one of Max Verstappen's" you boast, you'd been introduced to him through Lando as Kelly wanted to meet you and set you up with her modelling agency.

"Huh? WHAT?" he screams and you just laugh before leaving the call. You shoot Lando a teasing message watching his eyes change as he reads it, and he lets out a groan that soon turns into a joke as Angry Ginge yelled at him to calm down again.

Moment 7:

"Salem stop" you tell your cat, which had jumped up and starting to paw in your lap where the blanket lay across before flopping down wanting fuss.

She started to meow at you not getting the wanted attention, but you were in the middle of an important rank up game, that would put you as radiant in Valorant.

As the game went on, you apologized to your teammates when you died after nearly clutching a round when Salem distracted you by pawing at your hand on your mouse.

"Salem please bub. 3 more rounds and you can have all the cuddles in the world" you whisper to the cat before she settles down, you proceed to Ace the next round and your team and you win the next two. The end of the game, with the MVP you get promoted to Radiant #497.

You celebrated by grabbing Salem your black Bombay cat and hugging her tightly, she leans into you wrapping her paws around happy for the affection she's finally getting.

"Treat?" you ask receiving a meow.

Chat:

y/nloverrr02- not y/n celebrating like she just got a podium

landonorizz- what's harder, f1 win, or reaching the top 500 valorant players

wedonttalkabouther- please, mother is mothering!

deadlocknerf- not her top fragging as an omen and their jett with a negative kda.

lockandassit- well done on the promo!

LandoNorris- Babe! Well done! I watched your win! I'm so proud

"Thank you, everybody. I think I'll leave it there for the day and I'll come back and we can try and get into the 450's!" you exclaim before cutting stream.

Taglist:

@littlesatanicassholebitch @hockey-racing-fubol @laura-naruto-fan1998 @22yuki @simxican @sinofwriting @lewisroscoelove @cmleitora @stupidandunnecessary @clayra-g @daemyratwst @honey-belden @moonypixel @lauralarsen @vader-is-hot @ironcowboycopnickel @itsjustkhaos @the-untamed-soul @beebo86 @happylittlereader @ziejustme @lou-larcher5 @thewulf @purplephantomwolf @chasing-liberosis @chillyleclerc @chanthereader @annoyingmoonballoon @summissss @evieepepi08 @havaneseoger08 @celesteblack08 @gulphulp @fandom1ruined2me @celebstories @starfusionsworld @jspitwall @sierruhh @georgeparisole @dakotatankbig @youcannotcancelquidditch @zzonsbeek @tallbrownhairsarcastic @mellowarcadefun @ourteenagetragedy @otako5811 @countingstacksandpanicattacks @peachiicherries @formulas-bitch @cherry-piee @hopexcroc @mirrorball-6 @spilled-coffee-cup @mehrmonga @bigsimperika @blueberry64857959 @eiraethh @lilypadlover

[jewish-vents]

When my mom was 8 she broke a 15 year old boy's arm when he would not stop bullying her siblings for being Jewish, including trying to drown my uncle. Not as a joke, he was actively trying to kill him. Being 19 and on my second year of jiujitsu and breaking my antisemitic instructor's shoulder because his dumb ass thought he could thrash me with illegal moves repeatedly without consequences feels like a defining moment in my life. I really am my mother's son. My 5"3 ass can and will beat your 6"4 one despite the 100 lb weight differential. And I don't even need to make illegal moves to do it.

This is what it's like to be Jewish. You deal with people twice your size who don't play by the rules and you fight fairly and yet even when you're defending yourself, eyewitnesses get antisemitic and say your response was disproportionate. He had me in a lethal chokehold. I'm the one who had to talk to police for assault. He doesn't even get a reprimand from the university even though he's employed by them and murder on the campus is, even now, a bad look.

The police were, fortunately, swayed by the video footage. They said my lack of guilt was disturbing. I stared at them in disbelief. "I'm not going to feel guilty for not wanting to die," I told them incredulously, "I have elderly parents to support, a girlfriend to propose to and a dog to take care of. I'm 20, I have shit left to live for!"

I'm being forced into therapy by the university. I look forward to it. Sure would be a shame if I'd, I don't know, hypothetically, scoured the internet to find other accounts of people he'd used illegal moves on. It'd sure suck if I brought those up and had those entered into the school record. Sure would be awful if those accounts found their way into his RateMyProfessor listing in addition to, say, theoretically, being sent to local dojos and other dojos throughout the state, thus ruining his ability to find work or fight competitively.

All sarcasm aside I am not afraid to nuke his career. I am my mother's son but I am also my grandmother's grandson. When a KKK member tried to kill her dad, my great-granddad, she wrestled the man's gun off of him and shot him in the knee. He never walked again.

Nobody in my family starts fights. But I don't mind finishing them.

This is what it's like to be Jewish. Someone tries to kill you. You do exactly what's required to get out alive. They get angry at you. They want you to feel guilty for wanting to live. You get up and go to class hours later with bruises on your neck and refuse to feel guilty. I have as much of a right to be alive as anyone else. I will not be gaslit into thinking I don't deserve to live.

The school said I wouldn't have to do therapy if I apologized. I will not apologize for surviving or defending myself.

I have as much of a right to be alive as anyone else.

.

[p0is0n-is-th3-cur3]

Calling people fake fans for finding bands through tiktok is the stupidest thing ever, so what someone found mcr because teenagers was a trending song on tiktok? Are they just magically not mcr fans because they found it on a video of a parent showing something dumb their kid did despite the fact that they genuinely enjoy mcr? Is someone a fake ptv fan because they heard king for a day on a makeup tiktok despite their 1k ptv plays? Should we not be glad that a thing we as a fandom cherish and love is finding it's way to more people who will love it just as much? Is that not how fandom grows? Why does the way a person found a band suddenly change how much of a fan they are? How is finding Green Day through a tiktok different than finding it through your older sibling playing it on blast through the walls? Community is supposed to grow, that's the point. Fostering a healthy community means allowing it to grow. Something suddenly being popular doesn't make it bad all of a sudden, there's a reason it's popular. I found Green Day through the third Percy Jackson book when I was 13, does that automatically make me a fake fan because I found out about them from a punk kid telling a goat boy his music taste sucks in the middle of a military school dance that they broke into? If someone truly enjoys something why does how they found it change how real of a fan they are? To quote Vic Fuentes, if you love it you're a fan of it equally to everyone. Do we as fandoms not want our communities to live on with new generations for years after the band has ended or died? Because gatekeeping the way people find music will inevitably end in our downfall, people are gonna leave the fandom, stop listening to the music and the communities that we worked so hard to grow will die because we didn't want to accept new people and the new way of finding music. Who's gonna keep the Green Day or mcr or ptv or fall out boy fandoms alive when we're gone if we keep pushing people out of it? It's unfair to us and the fans we're not accepting. Someone shouldn't have to be embarrassed or ashamed of the way they found something they love.

[flamingpudding]

The Ghost King is my Uncle Drabbles #2

A/N: Some more linked to a prompt week writing I did

>>Masterpost

Original this builds on: Link

Rowdy Cousin

Batman swore internally, from the outside he stoically sat in his chair and did nothing to indicate the absolute chaos that was going on in his mind. The Meeting rooms light flickered and the speakers once more started up loudly blaring a song all over the Watchtower. He was pretty sure one of his sons had told him once that playing that song was a meme.

"Someone do something about that kid! He is Rickrolling us!" Green Lantern screamed above the music.

"Constantine is already trying to do something." Superman's hands covering his sensitive ears as the music must sound to him even louder.

Batman very much only looped one thought in his head. -It's only for world ending purpose, I cannot use it right now.-

He had a responsibility to uphold, he was the patriarch of the earth branch family. This was not something that required him to use that. No he would not use it. He refused. This was not a world ending matter. Surely Constantine or anyone else of the Justice League Dark would solve this problem any second now.

The screens flicker and Batman did anything he could in his mind to not let his eye twitch even if no one would be able to see it. Cat videos were playing where second earlier statistics and observatory programs had been running.

No he would not, they could handle this problem no need to involve family.

The music stopped and some of his hero colleagues let out a relieved sigh only for a familiar laugh to echo through the watchtower and a new song starting to play. One that apparently counts all 100 dumb ways to die.

"Why is Klarion even targeting the watchtower like this?!" The Flash shouted over the lyrics before turning to him.

"Did one of your kids piss him off or something?!"

"No." At least not as far as he knew, though considering the recent discovery as well as the surprise visits his uncle had done lately he might have a guess why the witch boy was targeting them right now. Didn't mean he would elaborate this reason to the other heroes present.

Before Wonder Woman could comment John Constantine stormed in the room and slammed his hands down onto the table staring right at Batman with blood shot eyes. "Call him."

"Who?"

"Don't play fucking dumb bats. You know who I mean. This is not the witch brat alone. There is another entity and if you don't want the fucking watchtower crashing into earth you call him right now."

"Bats, he is not talking about who I think he is?" Superman carefully asked while the other heroes looked at him just as questionable.

He held his staring contest with Constantine a little longer before he grunted and reached into his utility belt pulling out a small bat-shaped pendant. A personalized upgraded calling card, his uncle had gifted to him as well as each of his children and extended family members.

This was not how he imagined a meeting in regards to his new discoveries and a possible sure fire contingency plan against world ending emergencies would go. He rubbed his thumb against the engraving waiting for a short moment for it to pulse, before tapping the pendant three times, paused and tapped it two more times. This was a non-emergency call, even if his colleagues might disagree.

He still thought they could very well handle this situation without the help of his uncle.

"BABY BAT, YOU CALLED THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU DID!"

The present heroes watched in stunned fashion how a white haired, 20 years old man stepped out of a green portal and instantly zoomed across the room to hug THE Batman around his head rubbing his cheek against the bat's cowl mindful of the pointy parts.

And Batman was letting the man do that only looking resigned.

"We agreed that I would only call on you with this pendant for emergencies."

The white haired man only hummed before his head turned sharply and green glowing eyes narrowed at Constantine, who visibly paled and took a step back standing straight and looking very much like he regretted what he had asked Batman to do. "Trading game is not being rude to you is he?"

The bat only grunted and the white haired man finally let go of him, humming as he took in his surroundings, eyes glinting in mischievously as he saw the flickering lights, animal videos on screen and heard the blaring music over the speaker. "When I okey-ed Klarion to go playing with his cousins I didn't think he would seek you two out. He had been talking about his older cousins starting another game of 'who's the better demon lord' in different dimensions. I thought he was joining their bet."

Wait did he say two? Batman grunted and the white haired guy chuckled. "I will be back in a second."

Not even the Flash could react as fast as the white haired man disappeared and reappeared with Klarion next to him. Clearly pulling on the witch boy's ear like a father would when their child had been naughty. The flickering lights and blaring of music over the speakers had stopped.

"Ow DAD what in the name of chaos are you doing here."

"Your Cousin called me. You are disturbing his work and risking them crashing into earth with Technus' help."

"YOU SNITCHED TO MY DAD?!"

"Hn."

"Technus get out of their network or I will lock you up on a Medieval Island for three decades."

As if the present heroes weren't confused enough a face appeared on one of the screens. Glaring at the white haired man. "You wouldn't dare."

"Watch me, if you stay in there any longer. I will also dig out the old thermos and soup you additionally for a decade or more."

The face on screen grumbled and the heroes nearly flinched back as a ghostly, green skinned man came out of it, looking every bit frustrated and annoyed. "I was just getting a good look at this modern technology, you have banned me from any big shot Industries…"

"We had that discussion 100 years ago, Technus. Back to the Ghost Zone." The white haired man commanded by opening a portal next to them with the wave of his hand and surprisingly, the green skinned guy listened.

"Sorry about this Baby Bat and Little Demi. Klarion will be grounded for a bit and re-educated in how to bond without risking potentially killing any bystanders. Oh and remember I will come by later for Baby Ghost to get his checkup with Frostbite!"

"Dad, please no grounding! Anything but that!"

"I am sure your Grandpa will be happy to have your help during your grounding."

"Dad! NO! I don't want to keep time in order! I live for chaos not order!"

The man was just smiling and completely ignoring Klarion's complains as he turned towards Batman and Wonder Woman, for reasons the hero's didn't understand.

"Well we will be on our way then Baby Bat, Little Demi!"

Batman grunted and the white haired man chuckled, leaving through the portal and dragging along a whining Klarion, who apparently was that man's son.

Just before the portal closed, the man stuck his head back out looking towards Wonder Woman with a mischievous smile. "Oh before I forget! Pops Clockwork sents his regards Little Demi . He doesn't want me saying this, but he is glad about the path you choose. Says you're set on a pretty good timeline!"

The head disappeared into the portal again and it finally closed. Wonder Woman was left blinking at the empty space, her mouth slightly open with the silent question of "What?"

"Bats, who was that?" The Flash was the first to break the silence that had followed as eyes turned to the dark knight.

"His Uncle." / "The Ghost King."

Superman and Constantine spoke at the same time. The JLD member flinched back as he looked at the glowering bat. Muttering something the man took his leave or rather escaped the room as quickly as possible as Batman kept glaring. Meanwhile Wonder Woman was slowly having a crisis of her own as suddenly family relations that had been hinted to her through Pandora made sense. "Clockwork... no, Titan Cronus? The Ghost King... Uncle Daniel?"

Chaos broke among the present heroes.

"WHAT UNCLE?!"

[theblueflower05]

OH UR IN FOR IT NOW

thoughts: jake sully cockwarming human reader and she keeps squirming around to cum but he’s so much bigger that he can just hold her still while she whines and pouts

(also i know he’s so cocky and condescending with his dirty talk)

Oh oh oh. Fuck yes.

Listen. There is something so sexy about Avatar/Na’vi x Human smut. I don’t care. It’s going to get me going every time, I eat this shit UP.

@hinataashoyos kills this dynamic and if you want to read some absolutely delish Jake content- please give her blog a follow.

And I loveeeeee the idea of Jake and his little human fuck buddy.

Because like. You’re everything he’s attracted to- just his type. You’re petite with killer curves, a rack and ass to die for. The sweet florally perfume you wear makes him dizzy with want and the gloss you have perma swiped across your full lips sparkles in the fluorescent lights of the labs that you can usually be found in.

He eats girls like you up back on Earth. Even in his chair, he knew he was a panty dropper.

Smut under the cut

But you’re different. You’re sharp as a tack and come from a good family back on terra firme. Fancy college degrees under your belt, all paid for by mommy and daddy’s money. A social butterfly. Hell, he bets you’d been a sorority girl. Kappa Kappa Gamma, or some nonsense of that nature.

You’d never go for a disabled ex-military grunt like him- or so he’s convinced himself.

You work in close quarters with the rest of the Science lame brains, are close with Grace and Max.

Xeno-Cultural Anthropologist, he learns your title early one.

You’re here to help crack the code around the Navi- deeply fascinated by their rich culture. Diverse clans, and multilayered language. Besides Grace, you’re about the only RDA human let within 100 miles of Home Tree.

Your accolades and experience, at your young age, are stacked. All of these things should make you a stuck up priss-

And yet you’re not. Not at all.

The more he gets the know you, the worse his interest in you gets.

You’re funny, in a goofy way that doesn’t match your sharp vernacular. Your frequent jokes are vulgar and down right dumb.

And helpful, you never make him feel stupid the way the others do. You’re more then happy to sit down with him after a long day of him being linked out in the Jungle- you’re just about the only reason why he’s finally starting to grasp the language.

And so so sweet. You don’t make him feel useless or infantiled in his chair; you treat him like the capable grown man he is- but make him meals like you do all for all your friends. Help him with his laundry. Bring him electrolyte drinks when he’s half asleep doing his video logs.

A couple months in, and Jakes interest has spawned into a full fledged crush.

When Grace swoops him away fro Quaritch and his influence- you go with. All the way up into the Hallelujah Mountains.

The extra close quarters and isolation just makes it worse.

The pajamas you wear to bed aren’t skimpy or sexy in nature- but damn do you look good in the small shorts and obscure band tee that falls to your knees.

He nearly loses his shit when you bend over one morning, your wide ass on display. The tiny sleep shorts do nothing to cover the plush cheeks and he’s never wanted to dig his teeth into something more.

You act like you didn’t see him discreetly hide his blushing face in his cup of coffee.

The same way that he acts like he doesn’t see you ogling him in Avatar form. You all but drool over the smooth blue skin and endless muscles.

He wonders if that’s the only way you’ll have him, in a body that’s not his.

It had all come to a head pretty soon after that.

At the core of it; the two of you are travelers, stuck on a foreign planet. All it takes is a particularly lonely night; one where some how the two of you had gotten a moment alone, for all of the emotion to bubble up.

You’d ended up in Jakes lap, in his chair. Grinding down onto him, your tongue down his throat as he wrapped his strong tattooed arms around you.

Safe to say you want Jake Sully however you can get him.

It’s a free for all after that and Grace straight up has to tell you guys to cool it down after stumbling upon you and Jake, him in his Avatar form, in the trees just behind the bunkers. His head had been buried between your naked thighs- your face blushing behind your Exo Mask. Grace had not been impressed.

“Between you two and Norm and Trudy, it’s like I’m living in a fucking frat house. Cut it out, before I citation all of you for interpersonal relationships. I swear, we’re supposed to be grown ups here, guys- ever heard of workplace discretion!”

Graces threats are empty, but Jake knows you respect her enough to take em to heart.

So it turns into a game of sorts.

The two of you try to get each other off as often as possible. As fast as possible. As hidden as possible.

All the sneaking around makes him feel like a teenager, alive and exhilarated when he’s in both of his bodies.

But he hates the quickies. He wants the time to worship your body thoroughly.

He jumps at the chance- when Norm rides along with Trudy to take Grace back to Hell’s Gate. She’s a higher up, after all. She has mountain’s of paperwork and reports she needs to do. That’s fine.

That means he gets to be alone with you.

He savors the night. The trailers are a tight fit for his Avatar body, but he pushes the bunk beds to an opposite wall and the two of you make a nest of sorts on the cold metal floor. All the pillows and blankets you can find to cushion yourselves.

You lie next to each other, facing one and other- as you explore each other with slow groping touches in the low light. Only the computer screens left on to illuminate the space.

It’s like neither of you can get enough.

His large calloused hands run along your curves- all that soft supple skin. Your plush breasts and doughy thighs and ass. You feel so good- you truly might be the only soft thing on the rugged planet of Pandora.

Your petite hands are eager too. You trace his arms, his broad shoulders, his tapered waist. Your wide eyes follow the path of your fingers.

“Holy shit, Jake. You’re built like a brick shit house- where did all this muscle come from?”

He chuckles at the awe in your tone. “Trainings been intense- Neytiris been riding my ass lately. I’m up before the sun rises in those trees”

“Remind me to thank her next time I see her” you mutter distractedly as you squeeze at his defined bicep.

It’s insanely good, but then again it always is.

Jake tastes your spit, and you hard little nipples and your dripping cunt. Feasting himself on your skin slowly.

The more orgasms he can wring out of you- the easier it will be for you to take his cock. He needs your body as loose as he can get it.

After what feels like hours getting fucked with his huge fingers, and rough textured tongue, you’re begging for him.

You can take it. You want to be full of him, you whine the words with big teary eyes that you know he can’t refuse.

He fucks into you slow- watching as you take him. Your pussy always looks like she’s going to break. Stretched to it’s limits, lips puffy and enflamed as his cock sinks in. The contrast of his indigo skin and your human flush is fucking hypnotic.

This isn’t the first time he’s fucked you in this body and it won’t be the last.

Every round seems to be better then the last- louder. Wetter. More passionate. You’re full of so much cum, there’s no way that your tiny womb could hold it even if it tried.

Na’vi libidos are something else.

He has stamina that he didn’t even know existed. After round three you’re out, all but asleep in his arms. Limp and ragdoll like in his oversized arms.

“You can keep going” your voice is paper thin and far away. Jakes not sure how you’re even coherent at this point.

He takes you into his lap, gently, but keeping you stuffed full to the brim with his cock.

You whimper and bury your messy face in his huge sweaty chest.

“I just need one more” Jake reassures you, petting your hair, stroking down your back. His hands are large and soothing, it’s so easy for him to touch all of you at once. “You don’t even have to move all that much, baby. Just let me come one more time, yeah?”

You nod, and really it’s just your head lulling in his clavicle. You’d lost the ability to control your muscles hours ago. “Yeah, mhmm”

Jake doesn’t even need to bounce you. Just having your pussy wrapped around him, tighter then anything he’s ever felt, is enough.

You sit on his lap, his cum flowing out of you. Down your thighs. Onto his own groin. And warm his cock.

It’s erotic and intimate and as he holds you close he thinks about Neytiris words. Tsaheylu- the sacred bond. He’s felt it with direhorse- and his ikran. A part of him wishes that he could feel it with you.

When he empties the last of his milky, iridescent cum inside of you and you pull back from his chest enough to give him a small smile, he thinks that no.

This is enough.

I LOVE YOU JAKE MOTHER FUCKING SULLY UGHHHHHHHHH. I swear he fucking remixed the game in the first Avatar. I will never ever ever get over him.

[partycatty]

Do you plan on continuing new tricks?

perchance.

bi-han > distract me (new tricks 2)

bi-han feels conflicting emotions after your spur-of-the-moment revenge hookup. what better way to relieve that stress through more spur-of-the-moment sex?

warnings: nsfw lol, mean bi-han (so just regular ass bi-han) (seriously i headcanon this man as a MAJOR asshole, like he ain't giving you princess treatment babe), this is a direct sequel, skip halfway down for the porn without plot.

notes: i have never been begged for a pt2 harder than i have for this one-shot. who would've thought y'all would froth this hard! enjoy!

PART 1

johnny's whiny, frustrated voice made your smile curl ear to ear. you won the stupid war he stirred up, and a sense of relief washed over you knowing that johnny's antics would stop.

"so what if i did? why do you care?" you fire back, your smirk dripping so hard from your tone that johnny immediately calls you out on it.

"don't play dumb with me, girl! you're such an asshole. we're REALLY done now," johnny growls, though his words don't hold much value anymore considering he's the one that dug his own grave and got mad when he'd sit in it. before you could correct him by saying you two have been broken up for quite some time, the call ends abruptly.

he falls suspiciously dark on social media in the following days, and you make it a part of your day to check on his pages for any activity to get a sense of his side of the situation. your life is more than your phone though, and bi-han likes to remind you.

you're standing idly on the compound, eyes fixated on your screen. as you're absentmindedly scrolling, bi-han walks by and a cold, calloused hand grabs your chin and flicks your head forward. he doesn't even stop to say anything, just pulls your face away from the screen and walks off with an icy huff.

another time, you're sitting across the table from him, one hand on your chopsticks and the other on your phone. bi-han's hands clench so hard his chopsticks snap. you only notice his annoyance when a thin trail of ice snakes around the dishes, crawls up your elbow, and freezes your hand in place. he takes this opportunity to reach across the table and pocket your device in his breast pocket.

"an unnecessary distraction," he grumbles, settling back to his meal. you're left dumbfounded. and no, you stil haven't gotten it back.

for whatever reason he'd rather die than express, he despises your phone. which is odd, considering how he gripped it like it was going to fly away when you sucked him off.

you tried so hard to push these thoughts away, but they haunted you at night like the Ghost of Christmas Horny. it was downright absurd how much he swirled in your mind after a lowly one-night stand, if you could even call it that!

these thoughts simmered over when you were left alone after a long day. there was a chill of wind through your open windows, letting the moonlight seep through the sheer curtains as they dance. everyone was asleep when you got the idea to attempt to relieve the tension you brought upon yourself from your wandering fantasies.

glancing around to pointlessly ensure you're completely alone, your hand dips under your waistband, feeling your aching sex from lack of stimulation. you gasp to yourself and bite down on your palm to silence yourself. once you feel adequately used to the feeling, you begin to slowly please yourself to the memories of bi-han's cock.

the pleasure wears off, but the neediness doesn't. goddamnit, your mind wasn't enough. you needed porn... or that video. if only you had your phone, but right now it was comfortably hugging bi-han's muscular ice pop biddies. you were jealous.

maybe it was out of pathetic desperation, or maybe it was because you were fed up with this dance you two were doing, but you propped yourself up with a huff, settled your clothes back into place, and sought out bi-han's sleeping quarters. your already throbbing cunt was fluttering at the thought of seeing him again, so late.

you walked a decent amount before finally arriving at his room. as your fingers rested on the sliding handle, you freeze when you hear the noises coming from the other side.

"how about that, cage? taught your dog some new tricks. i'd say she's exceeding expectations."

face contorting into horror and intrigue, you slide the door just a crack, enough to slide a penny through and peer in.

the only glowing lights in the room was a lantern... and what appeared to be your phone screen. you could see the faint colors of your phone case with bi-han's hands gripping the back of it. his back is to you as he sits at his large desk littered with scrolls and stationery.

and then you hear his subtle moans. is he... jerking off to the video...? is that why he wanted your phone so damn bad?

you slide the door open fully, hoping to not make enough noise to startle him. but alas, you remind yourself that he is in fact a hardened ninja who's constantly on edge, of course he heard you.

bi-han twists his torso to meet your gaze with a deep exhale. a thick cloud of frosty air spills from his lips. his eyes are uncharacteristically wide as he's frozen in place. when he regains his sense of dignity, he tries to stuff his dick back in his pants, but this proves to be a challenging task due to his flustered state and... size.

"out," he coldly demands, holding that icy eye contact with you that you curse yourself for folding to.

"i want my phone back," you stand your ground, the tension and catching him in the act giving you a surge of ego.

"out," he commands again, this time sounding more like an owner to his dog.

"or what?"

"or you're fixing what you started."

you lurch forward, trying to avoid the lingering horniness from your earlier desperation but it feels like an olympic sport to avert your gaze from his cock, which looked like a beast held down by the shackles of his pants. the damn thing was spilling from his fly, his shaft visibly abused from his private moment.

this distraction proves to be your downfall. bi-han grabs your neck and spins you, pressing your face into the scrolls atop the desk in retaliation. his other hand wraps around your stomach as he pulls himself close to you. his chest fits against the arch of your back like the world's thirstiest puzzle piece. the cryomancer's cold breath on your ear makes you tremble.

"playing this game, are we?" he asks, tone dripping with malice. "couldn't get me out of your head?"

you swallow deeply, completely pinned by his thick arms. his crotch presses into you, settling nicely between your asscheeks. jesus christ, you forget how girthy it is proportional to your body.

"i just wanted... my phone..." you mutter against the wooden surface your face is being shoved on, attempting to loosen yourself from his grasp which only bites you in the ass when you realize you're grinding on him. "my imagination wasn't enough."

"your imagination?" bi-han grumbles, removing the hand from your torso and snaking it down your waistband. "you couldn't have come to me first?" jealousy and irritation leaks from his words.

you tense up at his abrupt offer, trying to crane your neck to look back.

"i didn't know that was an outstanding offer, bi-haaah-" your retort is cut short when bi-han's thick fingers swipe down your folds, gathering a wetness he didn't expect to find so early into the interaction. you silently thank yourself for prepping without knowing. your knees buckle, but bi-han uses his own legs to keep you upright and still.

he lets out a sigh of pleasure at the sight before removing his hands from you entirely. he makes quick work of your pants before working on himself, unleashing his dick once more. you wish you could admire it or at least face the man that's about to boomerang you from the heavens to netherrealm and back again, but the attempt dies when he grabs both of your hands with one of his own and creates a thick pair of frozen handcuffs. involuntarily, you squirm and thrash against his body, trying to free yourself. it's during one of these shimmies that bi-han positions himself at your entrance with a scowl.

"no use in fighting back. you wanted this," bi-han's hand pushes down on the back of your neck, ensuring you're fully in place for him. in one cruel thrust, he slams his cock into your entrance and buries himself deep. "all you've done is distract me since your stupid offer. this is your punishment, slut."

your horniness from earlier already feels completely satiated as your walls clench around his length. you let out a cry at the abrupt abuse of your cunt, but you're not truly complaining. if anything, this is ten times better than that stupid phone. you bite your lip to try and stop the drool pooling in the corner of your mouth, but it's hard to keep your lips shut when he pulls out momentarily before slamming back in. he needs a license for that bioweapon.

as his thrusts grow more rhythmic and accustomed to your hole, his hand reels back before slapping your ass, squeezing hard and feeling the fat pool around his fingers. he relishes in the feeling, how he missed your warm body against his, though he wouldn't tell you this; he'd show you.

he pounds so hard you're starting to forget why you even came there in the first place. you feel filled to the brim each time he reaches the apex of his thrust, surprised he hasn't completely ripped you in half. sure, you'd fit him in your mouth before, but this was an entirely new sensation, and being bound makes it all the better.

you body quakes from the overstimulation, it's just too big and too much. your lashes dampen from the accumulating tears. the sound of skin on skin becomes deafening.

"'s too much-" you whimper out, legs failing you. the only thing keeping you from sliding to the ground is bi-han's hand on your neck. "sl-slow down, please-"

SLAP. another strike on the ass. bi-han was not happy with your request.

"you're not quitting now," bi-han growls, his hand moving to the front of your neck, clenching your jaw. "i feel how wet you are for me. don't act like you don't need this as much as i do."

oh great heavens. he let his feelings slip.

your eyes roll back at his filthy words, feeling zero shame in agreeing. he was wholly right: you needed him like you needed water. the icy handcuffs start to burn your skin, and the feeling in your hands becomes a memory as you're being plowed by that downright dumb dick. and holy shit, you were far closer than you thought.

"c-can't... for, ngh, much longer," you whine out, matching his thrusts by bouncing back onto him, though you're too sloppy to properly maintain a pace in sync. your walls flutter and the contact creates a soggy sound that drips down your thighs and coats his cock as if you're marking your spot. where you belong.

bi-han fully ignores your heads-up and seeks his own high, eyes transfixed on your ass while it juggles against his hips. he could get used to a pussy like this. he should have come to you sooner. his hands shoot to your hips as he squeezes to tightly bruises bloom from your sensitive skin. his eyes are clenched shut and his head tilts downward as he focuses on cumming, and yes, he will cum inside.

"you're going to take every drop, aren't you," bi-han's voice comes out more whiny than usual. you're already familiar with this tone. "you're mine to use, to... claim... hah-" his stoic manners are coming undone as he loses himself inside of you. both of your moans and grunts become needy whimpers and gasps.

he snaps his hips one last time before genuinely needing your body to keep himself upright. his semen thoroughly coats your pussy's walls as his thrusts stagger lazily. you feel your own coil come undone and a wash of heat encapsulates your body. your orgasms paired together feels messy and yet, so perfect. it's like your body already craves more.

bi-han reaches down to your abused pussy, sticking two fingers inside and holds it there.

"if i catch a single drop on my floor, you're not leaving in one piece," he coldly threatens, using his other hand to stick his appendage back into his pants. you have no energy to protest, you just take his fingers numbly as you sprawl your top half on his desk.

"yes, sir..." you slur out, trying to regain your composure.

"and i'm keeping your phone."

you're too cockdrunk still, so his words don't truly register. you just repeat yourself blindly.

"yes, sir."

bi-han lets out a small, barely-there chuckle to himself. the handcuffs shatter into dull shards of ice, giving you a chance to hoist yourself up properly.

"now, get out of my office," he commands one final time,pointing to the exit. your vision is too fuzzy to see the pleased smile on his lips. maybe he can warm up to you over time?

[gremlingottoosilly]

I just keep thinking about mrs. konig filming cute little “a day in the life of a housewife” tiktoks bc filming and editing videos gives her at least something to do so she doesn’t die of boredom. She records her attempts to bake bread from scratch and the progress of the little garden she’s trying tend to, and ends up gaining a small following of people who both love her and are low-key worried about how often she posts and why she seems to be alone all the time 😭

konig would probably hate that his wifey is posting her routine online bc he thinks it’s a security risk but I also think he’d love being able to see the little videos she records (even though he already watches her through the cameras)

@dreamdiaries777 I'm combining these two asks because they are kinda similar in a way. Konig just adores this old-timey traditional romance, all flowers and nice long white dresses and flower crowns, and...yeah, he is utterly crushed by the prospect of having an angel-like wifey. He adores literally everything you do for him, especially if you want to crochet him a scarf or a sweater, no matter how bad it looks, he will wear it in front of his soldiers and will survive through ridicule. It just feels so...normal, for him. That you are his nice wifey who does cute stuff for social media - you make cooking videos, you make some silly little resin jewelry and tiny baby clothes. He was very skeptical about it at first and talked her through some security risks - never talked about where she is, the location, or her personal information and never talked about who is her husband - a vague "my military hubby" should be enough. He asks Hutch to help with making sure that her account is secure and no one would hack it - our Konig is a bit of a social media dumb-dumb, so you had to introduce him to Tiktok and Instagram and stuff like this. You have a following of all of his soldiers liking and commenting(free boost, plus they really do like you, and they don't want to get their asses kicked because Mrs.Konig is sad about the lack of activity on her TikTok, and Mr.Konig is pissed off because she is sad), and you have quite a small, but dedicated following. Konig buys you the best materials, allows you to spend his money, and smiles when you say that you actually have money now!! Yeah, likw 100 Euros from that 1000 you spend on materials and failed attempts, but he likes that you have something to do. He likes to just give you this hobby because you are not so sad in his absence, and you do a lot of gifts for him and his friends!! Ceramics and cute mugs and sweaters...he just thinks it's adorable.

[6okuto]

3:08 PM

gojo x gn!reader | he’s NOT on the battlefield he is somewhere being whiny and dramatic RIGHT NOW. no one can tell me otherwise.

gojo stares at you from his spot on the couch, a pout etched on his face as you continue to type away at an assignment due in more than a week. something due 10 whole days away has taken priority over him—he pouts even harder at the thought.

“i can feel you staring at me, satoru.”

“i don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“mhm.”

there’s only a few minutes of silence when your phone suddenly vibrates. without sparing it a glance, you switch between tabs, trying to find a specific quote for your answer. satoru huffs from behind you, and another notification comes in.

“y’gonna check that?”

“check what?”

your phone vibrates again.

“that.”

and you’re not dumb. you have a feeling your boyfriend is very aware, probably even more aware than you about what that notification could be.

“no?”

it vibrates again.

“are you sure?”

another.

“pretty sure.”

and after a couple of seconds, another.

“…actually, you know what, ‘toru,”—you pick up your phone, and satoru sits up ever so slightly, before you swipe down the bar to turn on do not disturb—“you’re right.”

“babe,” he drags out the pet name, “what if it was important?”

“and what if it was my classmates being idiots in the group chat again?”

“it’s not!”

at his denial, you spin your chair around, an accusatory—yet amused—expression on your face. “and how would you know?”

“because no one else is working on an assignment due in more than a week on a saturday afternoon except you, because apparently i’m dating the biggest nerd ever,” satoru complains, letting himself slide half off the couch, leg thrown over the top.

putting your hand over your chest, you gasp. “the biggest nerd ever? you wound me.”

“you wounded me first when you downloaded that assignment pdf instead of checking my texts!”

“well now i’m never opening that text from you.”

“why no—” he stops, and you stare, and he squints and quietly replies, “…i hate you.”

a lie through and through that finally gets you to laugh, just a little, before picking up your phone, where a photo of the both of you greets you as your lockscreen. “i’m kidding, ‘toru. but seriously if it’s something stupid i’m going to the library.”

“nothing i send you is ever stupid.”

you shake your head and go to open your messages. “i’m not even going to try to argue with you on that.”

GOJO sent you a post

babe

ME!

Notification noise

buzz buzz buzz buzzzzzzzzzz

EMERGENCY!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

your lip twitches when you read “notification noise” but you hide it with the back of your hand, instead clicking the video he sent.

you think maybe it won’t be that bad—the thumbnail a photo of a white cat—and satoru watches you intently when he hears the audio start to play. ”top ten things you should pay more attention to. starting with number one—me.”

you blink.

the video loops.

“top ten things you should…”

“seriously, toru?”

“c’s get degrees. satorus need constant attention or they’ll die.”

you snort—maybe you’d take him more seriously if he wasn’t practically upside down.

“they’ll die! i’ll die! do you want me to die?”

“not on my couch, no.” you respond, standing up.

“oh, alright, apologies, my heart, for not taking your feelings into consideration. i’ll die on your laptop so you’re forced to face the consequences of your actions more directly then,” he says, sarcasm rolling off of him in waves, even as you make your way toward him.

“oh, thank you so much, my love, i’d greatly appreciate it.” you huff as you do your best to pull him back up to lie on the couch.

satoru lies on his back, arms crossed over chest, strands of hair messy across his forehead.

he says nothing as you stand above him.

yet despite his attitude, he lets you run your fingers through his hair to fix it, leaning in ever so slightly into the warmth of your palm. you pout at him endearingly. “okay, you’re right, i can work on the assignment later. i’m sorry for not giving you attention and ignoring your texts.”

“and?”

you quirk an eyebrow, trying to rack your brain for what else you could have done. “and…implying you could ever send me something stupid?”

“…apology accepted.”

“can i lie down with you now?”

satoru shifts as far as he can. “as long as my back is to the couch so you can’t push me off.”

“woah, woah, woah, okay, that was an actual accident, and you already accepted my apology for that! i even ordered food,” you remind him, maneuvering beside him so you can fit and wrap your arms around his torso.

he pulls your head to rest on his chest. “doesn’t mean i can’t stay on guard from now on.”

“oh, whatever,” you mumble, breathing in and noting the scent of his new cologne that he got a few days ago—the one he got because you said you liked it.

a hand comes up to rub the nape of your neck, and you melt further into him. satoru mutters, ”you’re not leaving until dinner now as compensation.”

“what if i have to pee?”

“i’ll follow you to the washroom.”

“inside?”

“you wanna hold hands at the doorway?”

“not particularly, no, actually.”

“maybe romance really is dead.”

you laugh into the fabric of shirt where you can feel his chest rumble with his own laughter, and your heart flutters as you feel satoru smile against you. he's warm, and his lips soft as they kiss your forehead, when you think maybe your work can wait a few days to really start.

hai. sometimes a girl has to write a bunch of domestic fluffy banter. who gets me. video cat is gojo catoru in another life btw... Trust. also im pretty sure this is the first time i get to use my jjk taglist. LMFAO

🏷 | @lilithlunas @anime-ships-gay @todorokiskitten @tooruchiiscribs @curiouslilbeast @fiona782 @cvhenia @mitskiologist @libbyistired @milkbreadforlife

[onesidedradiostatic]

Obviously Angel’s time with the Vees was terrible but I gotta wonder, knowing what kind of disasters they are, did he ever bear witness to embarrassing moments that the Vees would DIE from if knowledge of it ever got out?

Did Vox ever attempt to create a shitty music AI with his own voice that churned out the most garbage songs Hell would ever hear, especially the country ones, that Angel would be asked to dance in the music videos for? Eventually the crew convinced Vox that the music was too shit to release to the public and now the audio files are locked away no one has access to (Angel has access though. He always finds a way).

And did Velvette and Valentino ever get into arguments about Val misusing slang words in his scripts and one day Angel had to wait over an hour, tied to a bed in black dress waiting for them to stop debating about the appropriate usage of the word “YEET”? Needless to say he eventually opted to just take a nap. He was already hogtied to the bed anyway.

But also, did Angel and the crew ever have to witness Vox and Val airing their sexual frustrations with each other? I’m just imagining the poor crew bearing witness to the saddest display of a sexual tension-fueled argument that always ends with them dropping the most pathetic clap backs and disses at each other and one of them storming out like it’s a really shitty soap opera.

Meanwhile Angel is wondering if maybe he should just suggest the two of them just hook up and maybe they’ll both calm the fuck down.

But then they do hook up and they still don’t calm the fuck down.

Unfortunately for Angel he now knows way too much about the intricacies of Vox’s…anatomy from Val and whenever he has to hear about it he thinks, “Can you just get me high right now? I do not wanna be sober during this, please.” Also he comes to the conclusion that Vox is terrible in bed and Valentino has shit taste.

But then Vox begins bragging in uncomfortably hilarious and pathetic detail about the “sexy” things he and Val do to the point where not only does the crew question if this counts as sexual harassment, but Angel starts contemplating if HE needs to fuck Vox to get him to calm the fuck down because apparently Val is ALSO terrible in bed when with a consenting partner, and this loser is NOT gonna learn what good sex is otherwise.

This started out as a speculation in the dumb things Angel witnessed with the Vees and it just snowballed into Angel suffering through StaticMoth’s absurd bullshit because they’re both the fucking worst.

WHAT IS THIS HELP. I mean he did live in the v tower for a while he probably has seen a good chunk of shit. tbf there is a chance he was just high a lot of the time when it came to the vees' bullshit but this is funny

[noosayog]

[8:49 PM] ft. Sakusa Kiyoomi

wc: 300

y'all know the tiktok I'm talking about

“Do you think I could be tiktok famous?” 

Kiyoomi lifts his head from its current position resting on yours, yours on his shoulder. He has to crane his neck awkwardly to look at you. “You’d have to make your first tiktok first.” 

“I have a really good idea,” you nod seriously. 

Kiyoomi looks at you and you could burst out laughing from how hard he tries to muster up an encouraging smile. “Sure you can, babe.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean!” 

“What do you mean? I said you could do it!” 

“You’re just saying that!”

“Well, babe…” he trails off sheepishly. “You’re not funny.” 

You jut your bottom lip out as far as possible and tuck your chin into your chest to blink at him through your lashes. “Omi, do you really think I’d be that bad at it?” 

“No!” he backtracks. 

You almost, almost, grin. 

“You’d be great. Show me your idea.” 

“Really?!” you blink at him. “Okay, I actually already made it. Here, I’ll show you.” 

You swipe to your tiktok drafts and pull up the video to show him. 

The first thing Kiyoomi sees is the back of his head, an extended swiffer duster in hand. He hears the beginning of a familiar song play

~eat a two-week old unrefrigerated pie~

He continues to watch himself approach a cockroach above the stove in your shared apartment, extending his long arms excruciatingly slowly, duster inching towards the bug. He knows what happens next. The cockroach suddenly spreads its wings and starts flying towards the Kiyoomi in the screen and the video stops, cutting into song. 

~dumb ways to die~ 

“So what did you think?” 

Kiyoomi gives you the deadest fish eyes he can muster, getting up and slamming the bedroom door shut on you. 

“Omi!” you laugh. “What did you think?” 

“You can sleep in the bug infested kitchen,” you hear through the door.

[webslingingslasher]

is trouble ever frat!peter’s lock screen? Either before or after the whole situationship thing or secretly during both eras? If so, what picture?

yes! relationship!peter does it proudly, situationship!peter is a bit more stealth. iphones have a wallpaper feature where if you hold the screen down you can swap between photos and i imagine that’s how it is.

peter went home for a week and really missed you and went through his photos and he saw that picture he snapped of you at a party. the background is blurred, proof that the liquor was flowing heavily. you’ve got a smile that shows off almost every tooth and a vice grip on a liter of rum. he doesn’t know why, but he made it his wallpaper for the week and would pick up his phone every five minutes just to look at it.

relationship!peter has a picture of the both of you. something he looks at and is reminded of what he has and how much he truly loves you. it was from a double date night you both had a few months into being official, your friend pressured peter for the photo, he rolled his eyes and gave in. he’s glad he did. it’s his favorite.

you’re wrapped around him in a side hug, peters got a grip on your shoulder. he’s laughing at something your friends date said, he’s wearing the grin you tell him you love. but the reason he has such adornment for the photo is because of the way you’re looking at him.

your eyes are bright and shining, your smile matches his, not because you found anything funny, but because peter’s joy was contagious for you. each time he looks at it he feels warmth radiate, a visual reminder of how much you love him.

—

(you know i had to add a bonus of trouble finding peter’s wallpaper!! -situationship!peter obv)

‘just sit here and look pretty, i’ll be thirty minutes tops.’

peter had pulled you away from date night with the promise of stopping at his chapter meeting. he had negotiated the first hour, trent, the chapter president, wouldn’t break on the last thirty minutes and demanded peter be there. or else.

you wouldn’t mind but peter didn’t tell you until last minute and now you’re sitting down at an empty table at the library while they fill up a rented room across from you.

‘it’ll be longer than that and you know it.’

‘you’ll be fine. give me a kiss.’ you meet him with one, you grumble down at your phone. ‘my phones about to die, what am i supposed to do?’

peter feigns shock, ‘oh no!’ he looks around, ‘i hope you’ll find something to do in this big, empty library. it might be hard.’

your eyes narrow, you hate his sarcasm. ‘the library doesn’t have instagram reels, peter. how am i supposed to entertain myself while you’re talking numbers and business?’

there’s a miniature battle of silence, you win when peter groans and hands over his phone from his back pocket. ‘here. use mine.’ you reach forward, peter’s giving you unbridled access to his phone, you’d be dumb to say no.

‘nuh uh. you promise me right now you won’t fuck up my algorithm, i spent months perfecting it.’ you make grabby hands, ‘promise.’

the sleek, black screen is in your hold in seconds. your thumbs fly over the screen, you’re in and on instagram in a second. peter looks back once more, ‘thirty minutes.’ you nod, the first video already playing, you wish you could send it to peter. you send it to yourself to send back to him when you’re at a full charge.

ten minutes and you need a refresher, wandering around towards the bathroom you grab a water from a vending machine. cracking the cap, your left thumb pressed into peter’s home screen and his wallpaper separated, another photo right next to it.

you can recognize the edge, you swipe and feel your heart melt into a puddle. it’s you and only you. smiling and posing just for peter. he snapped the pic and saved it, he even went one step further and put it as his screensaver. a backup one, but something tells you he doesn’t want you knowing it exists.

you can keep a secret.

you can’t stop smiling at his phone and the short videos playing aren’t even that funny. you perk at a kiss on the top of your head. ‘told you i’d only be thirty minutes… what? why are you looking at me like that?’

‘no reason. it was very nice of you to offer me your phone, thank you.’

another kiss, you can’t wait til you get him alone. you might be the only one in on the secret, but he was going to be treated very nicely for it.

‘no problem, trouble. what’s mine is yours.’ your heart thumps louder. ‘and now,’ peter gently pulls you up with him, you’re along for the ride.

‘i owe you dessert, let’s go.’ you don’t walk with him, you stay until his hand tugs yours, peter looks back at you confused. ‘i wanna have dessert at yours.’

peter pouts, ‘tarrent polished off the ice cream.’

‘i know.’ peter knows that tone, now he’s standing straighter and acting casually. ‘oh? alright, yeah, let’s go home.’

[silkjade-archived]

genshin men x driving

this is so dumb but it had to be said. I've been driving for a while so a lot of these are taken from irl experiences I've had myself or from friends. also I'm american so this is based on driving in the u.s. | modern au, humor, fluff, reckless driving

𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐝𝐭

albedo ;; he has a habit of driving on the inner most lane of the highway but he doesn’t start switching to the exit lane until like 1 exit before. drove klee to the beach once 2 years ago and is still somehow finding sand in his car. all his turns are super wide

diluc ;; probably drives a very classic luxury car, like an aston martin or something. it’s sleek, it’s black, it’s giving batmobile because he drove with his high beams on for like 6 months and doesn’t get why it’s bad. it makes the road brighter he says as he blinds everyone going the other way. drives stick shift (manual), very hot when he reverses and puts his arm around the passenger seat

kaeya ;; he was the first person to get his license and everyone would ask him for rides, so now he drives a tiny sports car that doesn't fit anything. it’s also a luxury car but it’s flashier than diluc’s. follows driving laws to the T except for the fact that he never fully stops at stop signs

venti ;; an okay driver but it’s a terrible experience. you're amazed at how he hasn't run into any trouble yet. like at all. the kind of person who would try to run the yellow light except he’s doesn’t make it and is forced to brake really hard and just goes like "is everyone ok ehe.” you almost die and he says “oops”

𝐥𝐢𝐲𝐮𝐞

xiao ;; pet peeve: slow drivers. absolutely cannot stand sitting in traffic so he rides a motorcycle. always weaving in between cars but does it significantly less if you’re riding with him. has yanfei on speed dial in case of an accident. doesn’t know he’s super hot when he takes off his helmet and shakes his hair

zhongli ;; a slow driver. goes under the speed limit on the highway and gets cut off like no tomorrow. he doesn't think he's the problem though, just complains about how everyone is going way too fast. safety king. fakes injury for insurance money when someone hits him; only feels kind of bad

𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐳𝐮𝐦𝐚

ayato ;; has a driver that takes him everywhere because he does not drive, doesn't even have a license. passed his written exam with flying colors but failed on all three tries behind-the-wheel. his younger sister drives the car their parents bought for him. always likes tweets that are like “hot people don’t have their license”

gorou ;; family van kind of guy. very reliable and will drive you to the airport or help you move. doesn’t signal when switching lanes though which is kind of annoying. gets anxious driving in areas where there are a lot of one ways. always buys fruits from vendors selling it on the side of the road

heizou ;; drives with the top down, windows down and will make you feel like a coming of age movie protagonist. has the best driving playlist but will still hand you the aux if you ask. doesn’t pay for street parking though; parking meter? never heard of her

itto ;; car guy ™ who goes to car meets and mods his car. revs his engine when he sees his friends on the road but other than that he's actually a really good driver. takes very good care of his car— that’s his baby. he’s hot when he backs into parking spaces perfectly. blasts his music too loud at night though

kazuha ;; public transport icon. somehow never misses his bus/train/whatever and always manages to squeeze on even during rush hour. he tells people it's for the environment but that’s only half true. it's not that he can't drive, he just has the jankiest car; it's old as hell, has a dent on one side, and the passenger door doesn't even open from the inside

thoma ;; shining example of a perfect driver, the dmv wants him to do all their instructional videos. was only ever pulled over once before for swerving, but talked his way out of a ticket because he was trying to avoid hitting an animal. has those family stickers on his rear windshield except it's one man and like 3 dogs

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐮

al haitham ;; probably has an suv because he thinks it’s the most useful car and can get the most out of it. almost exclusively listens to audiobooks while driving. he had a great record until he accidentally rear ended a bus because he turned around to argue with kaveh in the backseat and now his car insurance is insanely high

cyno ;; super responsible driver, both hands on the wheel at 9 and 3 at all times. secretly really wants a retired police car because he thinks the idea of people suddenly slowing down when they see him on the road, thinking it’s a cop, is hilarious. names his car something stupid like attila the hyundai

kaveh ;; terrible at directions, his gps is constantly saying “rerouting” because he keeps missing turns and exits. cannot parallel park to save his life and will ask you to switch and park for him. generally a polite driver but if he's ever behind al haitham at a stop light, he beeps his horn at him 0.2 seconds after the light turns green

tighnari ;; his trunk is always full of plants and bags of soil, fertilizer, etc. has mild road rage; if he’s forced to brake hard because someone cut him off, especially while he has the right of way, he’s yelling in the car like “I should’ve hit you” because insurance would be on his side. carries snacks in his glove compartment, soccer mom energy

𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫

childe ;; exclusively uses the term 'my tesla' instead of 'my car.' he insists on having it self drive to you from the parking lot; it takes forever and more often than not, it'd be faster to just walk. doesn't matter how far away he is, he's gonna go for that yellow light, it's a race against time and he's gonna win. one hand on the wheel, one hand on your thigh

dainsleif ;; drives in silence, no music no radio— nothing; sometimes he'll listen to self help podcasts though. a lot of the times he zones out and doesn’t know how he got from point a to point b. sits in his car for like half an hour after arriving home. likes holding your hand while driving

dottore ;; mutters “this would be a good place to dump a body” whenever he drives past a ditch. got pulled over for driving in the carpool lane by himself and using a mannequin to fake a passenger. they also found a bunch of questionable things in his car that he swears is for science. no longer drives because his license got revoked

pantalone ;; his car is immaculately clean. charges you for gas and makes you wipe your shoes before stepping in. always wants to stop for coffee first before going anywhere. has a lot of money but doesn’t know shit about cars so he gets way overcharged at bodyshops

scaramouche ;; says things like “I will crash this car right now” if he’s arguing with someone. hates backseat drivers and will threaten to kick you out if you are one. sometimes speeds down an empty highway at night just to feel something but drives extra carefully when nahida’s around. parks in the far corner of a supermarket parking lot to cry