#hasn't ever stopped me from resenting being in it.

[skymantle]

im sorry but literally nothing makes me want to read something less than the thought "someone I care about will treat me more like a person for reading this"

[vaguely-concerned]

thinking about not only the specific people lucanis pulls in to represent the 'locks' in his psyche, but the storytelling that happens in the structure/order of them. the underlying ideas are presented something like:

the lucanis who went into the ossuary never came back out again; he died down there (the boy caterina raised is gone forever) -> you're putting yourself in danger doing this (by being close to me), you should leave because I can't bear it if you get hurt because of me -> it doesn't matter even if we do try this, it won't work anyway (again because of me) ('you know what he's like, you can open the door but he won't walk through it' :'( oofie doofie) -> what if the real secret is that there was never anything but the monster in here from the beginning. you should leave, there was never anything here worth saving in the first place. (implicitly: what if I deserved what happened, all along.)

it runs pretty cleanly from outward-oriented attachment anxiety ('caterina won't even want me back like this, she won't recognize me (the same way I no longer recognize myself)) and gradually deeper inwards until we reach self-image and self worth. or you know, the harrowing basic lack of it lol.

"careful -- they'll know we're not right," spite says in one of their first scenes... but clearly, some very deep part of lucanis has feared or suspected for much longer than that that there's something inherently not right at the core of him, way before any demon entered the picture. and the voice he gives those lines to is the person who should know him better than anyone in the world, who he has loved more than anyone in the world -- and who deliberately chose to hurt him so horrifically anyway. 'It's better if I'm just a monster and deserved what happened than it is to allow for the idea that the brother I love doesn't really exist and maybe never did'. it's better if he's fundamentally flawed in some way that needed fixing to help him survive, and that's why caterina chose to hurt him again and again -- out of love. (this one I think he might have a very sad wakeup call on one day if he ever ends up with the responsibility and care of a child of his own in some way and realizes just how alien the idea of ever intentionally hurting them for any reason is to him. oh buddy. also interesting that he keeps caterina as the outermost lock -- there IS a distance he keeps there that he hasn't with illario. he doesn't resent her 'anymore' he says, but he also keeps her carefully further away from his deepest self.)

as far as I could tell the only note in the mind prison that's fully hidden and needs to be uncovered is the sad painful helpless stupid little truth that even after all this, even knowing what happened... he still loves his brother. is there anything illario could ever do that would make lucanis completely stop loving him, do you think? sometimes the trouble with unconditional love is that it is, well. unconditional, even when some terms and conditions probably would have been in order haha.

that's the pattern you see there again and again; he would rather destroy and abandon and imprison himself at every turn than let go of love, even when it's just scraps, even when there's only ever enough of it to hurt him. it's only when rook shows up and as it were takes his hand and walks along with him that he can entertain the idea of changing the story of what walking out the door might mean in the end.

[ghostyuri]

eyes without a face

please click! happy 2025 :]!! may this year bring u so much joy i love you

pairing…ellie williams x fem!reader x abby anderson

in which…your relationship with abby doesn’t stop ellie from liking you.

before you read…angst. modern au. pathetic losertron 5000 ellie :[ this is just me really wanting to write #that scene from tpobaw which is a warning within itself. truth or dare trope. established messy relationship with abby. dina gets mistreated by ellie </3 did i mention ellie is a loser

it’s not hard to make ellie uncomfortable.

throw her in a crowded party or put her in a room where you’re clinging to abby, and it’s done. easy. like now. her eyes are betraying her, not daring to blink or look away, while abby’s whispering shit in your ear that has you giggling sweetly.

she can’t hear you, the music and chatter are way too loud, but she already knows what the noise sounds like. it’s when she makes a stupid geeky pun as you’re studying in her dorm, that the light laughter turns her face beet red— another thing that’s not hard to earn from ellie.

not from you, at least.

when your fingertips trace her fern tattoo, leaf to leaf, ellie holding her breath and arm in place. showing up to hang out in one of her hoodies you have assumed are yours by now, she’ll let you believe it, because she doesn’t want to change it.

telling her how smart she is. how funny she is. and some vulnerable, teary-eyed, post-argument with your girlfriend nights, how you wish abby were more like her.

compassionate...understanding...kind. things your girlfriend lacks, you had told her. it was one of the more severe arguments and surely said out of resentment, but ellie secretly and happily took it as a win.

if she was blunt, free from nerves that taunt her regularly, ellie would agree. maybe free you from her. become a villain to abby and her friends, the loved group that already despises ellie and her too close proximity to you, and her entire ‘no good’ existence.

but she would be your hero. that’s how she would like to think of herself— but ellie is very self-aware and knows that’s not a reality in any universe. her confidence is nonexistent, and reaching out to you would be reaching for the stars. two things she will only dream of.

you’re with her, that ellie cannot change that. she shouldn’t even be so fucking invested in you or your relationship.

she almost has her own, after all. sort of. it’s complicated, her and dina never put a label on what they were. she couldn’t use the term ‘distraction’ without seeming like the biggest jackass in history, but that is what she is.

searching for the qualities that you beautifully possess, in an entirely different person, and being disappointed she cannot find them. ellie feels bad about it, but somewhere in between those guilty thoughts, she wonders if it’s the same for you.

if you looked at abby and tried to find her in there somewhere, if the same sad realization that they were nothing alike, and you're with the wrong person, hits you as it does her.

shamefully, the idea makes ellie happy.

watching abby lead you away, out of her eyesight, did not make her happy.

“got us drinks,” dina chirps, plopping down onto the couch beside ellie, the auburn-haired girl honestly not noticing dina had ever left in the first place. she hasn't been paying attention to much besides you.

“thanks,” ellie makes sure to tell her, taking the red solo cup, sniffing it, and scrunching her face. the fuck is in that punch? she doesn’t know, but the brunette doesn’t seem to mind, sipping while nodding her head to the beat of the music playing throughout the house.

ellie, trying to be normal, shows a smile and brings the cup to her lips, gulping down the harsh alcohol all at once. she hates it, and she’s surprised she doesn’t throw it up immediately.

“thirsty?” dina jokes, earning an awkward chuckle from ellie, who is still eyeing the crowd before her, waiting for your reappearance.

maybe it will be without her, and she can finally talk to you alone, free from the prying and judgmental eyes of your damn girlfriend. she could barely even greet you when she arrived, the blonde's arm wrapped around your shoulder, subtly pulling you away after ellie got a ‘hi,’ in. asshole.

she will never know what you see in her. why you complain about her one night and then fuck her the next. she understands you with everything, besides your relations with her— unless she is your distraction. she’s hot and everyone with working eyes can tell. you two look great together, but you don’t work great together. not in ellie’s opinion, anyway.

ellie starts to drift now, the muffled noise of whatever story dina was telling and the noisy crowd blending, a headache of a symphony. or perhaps it’s the vile drink already hurting her head. or both and she should just ask dina if they could leave this stupid fucking party.

then she sees you. alone, visibly upset, locking eyes with her for a split second, but that’s all she needs. you don’t stay still, you’re walking away once more, but ellie thinks of it as an invitation. you liked to be with her when you were sad, even if ellie sucked at processing emotions, or giving any sort of advice regarding them.

you noticed this when she kept her mouth shut after ranting about something wrong abby had done, and poor ellie just didn’t know what to say. she never seemed to. you didn’t take issue with it, because the most important thing was, that she listened to you. she let you sob and held you in her always welcoming arms. it was enough for you, and why you’ll always appreciate ellie’s friendship.

you find yourself in the snowy backyard, colorful lights thrown messily on a large tree that young adults stand beneath, smoking a joint. you’d join them if you had the energy to be around people, but your previously high spirits had now gone. it was something little-- but the little nitpicky things somehow always led to a dramatic feud with your girlfriend.

you let out a deep sigh, taking a few steps away from the door and leaning on the house, everything a bit more quiet. your thoughts aren’t, though, not until you see her from your perpetual vision, making her way toward you. her gaze is heavy, examining you and keeping a small distance as she also leans against the brick exterior.

“something happen?” ellie asks, knowing both the answer and the cause.

“what do you think?”

“right…” ellie nods, face flushing red at your bitter sarcasm, which you regret immediately. all she’s trying to do is help. ellie doesn’t take it to heart, though, recovering quickly with a joke. half joke. “want me to beat her up?”

it earns a light chuckle from you, ellie smiling to herself as result.

“no…no…she just…never mind.”

she chews her lip, keeping her focus on her scribbled converse, wishing you would elaborate. not because she specifically wants to hear about what happened, but so you would. you would say the words aloud, rehashing it, rethinking where your relationship stands with her. that’s what ellie wants most.

“i understand,” ellie says, a safe response. much safer than where she’s about to lead this conversation.

“where is she?”

“hm? i don’t know?” you ask back, confused about abby’s whereabouts being relevant to right now. you don’t even care, you don’t want to see her. you turn to ellie, “why?”

she opens her mouth, then shuts it, and opens it again.

“i mean…if my girlfriend and i fought at some stupid party…i wouldn’t leave her alone…” ellie speaks quietly, nervously, fiddling with her fingers, “especially you…”

you don’t get the last part. not how ellie wants you to, green eyes parting from her shoes and to your face, waiting for a reaction— for the realization that you’re standing out in the cold with her, not your girlfriend, who is seemingly pretending nothing happened while mingling with her group of ghouls.

but after letting her comment linger, you laugh slightly. “isn’t your girlfriend alone in there right now?”

“she’s not my—” ellie corrects you too damn fast, gulping, “we’re just friends.”

just friends. dina would probably wear that desolated frown if she heard ellie say that, the brunette was more interested in ellie than ellie to her, it makes sense ellie could never really help you with your relationship.

she was struggling with hers, or whatever she had going on with dina. you just hope she’s happy, and being taken care of, and feeling loved. you wouldn’t know, she doesn’t talk to you about any of that. like it’s too personal, but nothing was ever too personal between you and ellie. you hadn’t thought so.

“well, your friend is probably wondering where you are…you should go back in.”

“i want to be with you.”

again, she speaks too fast. you’re looking at her with unreadable eyes, and it makes her feel weird.

“i-i want to make sure you’re okay,” ellie adds, your lips curling into a soft smile that turns her pupils heart-shaped. always so selfless, putting you before her or anyone else.

you're not surrounded with many people like that, like ellie, making you feel like a priority instead of a burden. wanting to be with you, instead of feeling like she needs to simply because you're not okay. she's the sweetest girl you know.

“you’re my favorite friend, you know that?” ouch.

ouch ouch ouch. yeah, that’s what she is, but when you say it it sounds wrong. as if it’s diminishing what she truly is to you, which is so much more than that cursed f word. and still, she smiles, only half fake. at least she’s your favorite something, she thinks.

“dina is a lucky girl.”

the words take ellie back for a moment, mouth parting slightly despite not having a thing to say. it’s almost teasing her, surely not intentionally, but ellie would forget about dina— or any single person if you had wanted her to. if you wanted her. do you?

there’s a comfortable beat of silence between you two, the snow now beginning to fall lightly. it doesn’t bother you, but you do shiver, and ellie takes notice. she’s already peeling her brown trucker jacket off before you could protest, knowing if abby had seen it, it would start another fight.

abby thinks you’re closer than you should be, and if you truly believed it was solely a concern because of your relationship, you’d be a respectful partner and listen to her complaints. but it’s not.

it’s personal, a vendetta against ellie and everything that she was that you admired. a loser with hardly any friends, a nerd that doesn’t even belong to this party tonight, a freak that’s obsessed with you...abby wasn’t kind to her.

you defend her, but usually, it makes it worse. you couldn’t fix that— them. especially because it’s mutual, though ellie never flat-out said anything cruel about abby. she just never said anything nice either.

“thank you,” you tell ellie as her jacket engulfs you with warmth, and the spicy scent of sandalwood that you only associate with her. it makes you feel like you’re being hugged tightly by her.

it’s the perfect moment. the party is dying down, and the muffled chatter is even quieter. everything is hushed currently, the blanket of snow coating the ground making sure of it. it’s so peaceful— and intimate. maybe even romantic, ellie mesmerized by how beautiful you appear next to her.

she was always amazed by winter images, how the pale snow has a magical contrast to whatever object is in focus. and right now you look like an angel, one she'll be sure to draw in her journal when she gets the chance. immortalizing a nice memory while also impressing you. a win-win.

and the moment is interrupted. “there you are!”

both of your heads turn to dina, an enthusiastic smile on her face as she approaches you both. she notices ellie’s jacket on you, but unlike abby, dina doesn’t care. she had started messing with ellie well aware of her close relationship with you, actually finding it adorable how much ellie cared for you. dina thinks she’s a great friend; that’s it.

“here i am,” ellie responds, showing a tight-lipped smile. a cup is given to her from dina, the brunette then looking to you. “do you want mine?” she motions to the drink in her hands, “i would’ve brought another but—”

“oh— no, designated driver,” you inform her, dina letting out a quiet ‘oh,’ in return.

“okay, well,” dina redirects the topic, eyes drifting to ellie, “they are playing truth or dare and i want you to play with me.”

“i don’t—” “c’monnn.”

dina places her hand on the sleeve of ellie’s flannel, a gentle grip on her forearm as she attempts to pull her away. from you. ellie really doesn’t want to leave, especially to play a stupid fucking no-good game with people she barely knew, but her feet are already moving with dina.

“have fun,” you tease ellie, catching the rolling of her eyes.

then you’re lonely, again, and you despise it.

you accept the defeat of who will apologize first, pushing yourself off the wall and going inside the house. the music is turned off, a few people talking from the living room, and you scan the area hoping to see her.

you don’t— it’s her friends, a few faces you’re not too familiar with, plus ellie and dina. your eyes meet with ellie’s first, sitting on the wooden floor crisscrossed like a child. then her eyes drift behind you.

“hey.”

abby’s voice nearly makes you jump, hip brushing against yours as she stands next to you. she takes in the same sight, people giggling in a circle on the ground, while ellie williams is staring at her lap, appearing so out of place. abby snorts quietly to herself— you pay no mind to it.

“hey,” you copy, shifting out of the doorway and slipping into the kitchen, not wanting this conversation to be held in front of everyone, and ellie. she follows, somehow only now noticing the jacket that doesn’t belong to you clinging to your body. she forces herself to drop it for the time being.

“i didn’t mean to cause a fight. was stupid,” she apologizes without apologizing, folding her arms, bomber jacket tightening around her biceps. she’s right, it was stupid, so stupid you don’t even remember the exact reasoning, as it was so insignificant— a reason to just let it go.

“it’s fine, baby,” you reassure both her and subconsciously yourself, closing the gap between you two. her head is lowered, still feeling unsure about it, not looking you in the eye.

your soft hand cradled her jaw, tilting it upward, finally meeting those stormy irises of hers. they seem so distant, like you cannot look through her and understand anything she is feeling— or thinking. you can’t help but wonder if it’s due to the slowly fleeting tension, or something more. something too much to unpack in a house party.

your lip twitches, “we’re okay.”

abby accepts that, as do you.

the room over is suddenly and loudly in an uproar, abby and you sharing an exchanged look, knowing it was probably something very stupid— and probably abby’s friends. your friends.

“they’re having fun,” abby points on the obvious, a switch in her demeanor that you recognize. she’s tipsy and hungry for you.

you sigh her name when her hands find your sides, dipping her head into your neck to kiss the area. she's taking advantage of the empty kitchen, subtly walking you into the nearest counter, still devoted to the soft flesh of your throat.

you give in, shutting your eyes in bliss for a split moment, before the room over is once again in a loud fit of laughter. it’s too distracting for a make out session.

“let's just—” you gently push her away, ignoring the groan that came with it, “—join them.”

“wha—”

you pull her with you to the other room, dragging her to where ellie sits, and inserting yourselves in the game of truth or dare.

you, of course, next to her, knees nearly brushing, while abby is on the other side of you, a gap between you. the women meet eyes briefly, but leave it at that.

ellie is agitated— she feels hot, not in a good way. maybe it’s the mysterious alcohol, or maybe it’s the fact abby is by your side again. a sight she already dreads, but now, after you made it abundantly clear she had upset you, and you just move on from it. it was easy, and so hard for ellie to witness again and again and again.

dina puts her hand on her thigh, squeezing as she chuckles, bringing ellie back from her dire mind. she tries to mirror everyone else in the room, a bleak smile that doesn't make it obvious she's not enjoying her time here.

this is boring. she doesn't care about someone being dared to suck the toe of another or having to reveal some dumb secret from a truth. she cares about you— yet looking in your direction only bothers her; the girl next to you bothers her.

ellie hates this.

“earth to ellie,” her head snaps to the direction of the voice, recognizing it as one of your better friends made through abby, nora. “truth or dare?”

“i— uh,” she wants to say truth, but she means to say truth, but it doesn’t leave her lips. “d-dare.”

you’re surprised. she's surprised. ellie is often shy in settings like these, especially around your friends where she feels the need to watch everything she says and does. luckily, she's cheered on, everyone expecting her to play it safe, or in meaner terms, be a pussy.

you’re also glad ellie’s fate is in the hands of someone you trust, someone who wasn’t harsh on ellie or your friendship with her. it’s an easy dare, something that doesn’t embarrass her at all, and make her the laughing stock.

“i dare you to…” nora speaks, looking between ellie and dina, “kiss the prettiest girl in the room.”

such an easy dare, it’s almost lame, those aware of ellie and dina being a duo now, groaning to themselves.

but ellie doesn’t do anything.

she’s frozen, not even looking in dina’s direction, but rather yours. you think she’s searching your eyes for courage, but you don’t know what for. this shouldn’t be difficult. seconds are passing, everyone waiting for her to get it over with so they can continue the game.

just kiss her.

ellie can’t. she can’t break eye contact with you. and it’s not hard to understand why that is, your cheeks burning up while the rest of the room seems to go dead silent; also realizing what was playing out before them.

“i’m…i’m sorry,” she speaks hardly above a whisper, low mumblings from around her that embarrass her even more. judgement. it is possibly the worst thing she could’ve done, an awkward tension now between her and dina, and you and her. ellie wasn’t working up the courage to kiss dina in the first place. it was you.

but she wouldn’t do that— only in her head, watching the scene play out while everyone is watching her.

ellie quickly gets up, muttering something you don’t catch, and swiftly walks away. she heads to the front door, everyone’s short attention span already moving on, continuing the game. you cannot.

you stand up, a hand on yours holding you in place, preventing you from moving. you look down at abby and her pleading eyes, letting them do the talking. don’t follow her. stay.

you don’t. you retreat your hand, glancing at a distracted dina who was sipping on her drink, probably trying to ignore what ellie had just done, and you leave the living room.

you too exit the house, spotting ellie approach her truck across the street. you call her name out, the woman hardly turning her head over her shoulder, continuing to get inside the red vehicle. you understand she doesn’t want to show her face now, but she cannot hide from you. no, this has to be addressed.

even if you don’t really know what to say, or how to say it. you jog to her car, welcoming yourself inside, boring your eyes into her, while hers are on the windshield, snowflakes coating the glass.

“what was that, ellie?” you ask her, a soft tone as if you’re trying to understand her, rather than pass judgment. she’s sensitive, and she’s also shown empathy to you in times you’ve made mistakes. but that’s the problem— it wasn’t a mistake. she wanted to kiss you. there was no doubt about it.

“i’m with abby,” you continue when she stays quiet, “and you’re with—”

“no, i’m fucking not,” ellie cuts you off before her name leaves your lips, finally finding the strength to look at you. her brows are lowered, shaking her head, visibly irritated. “we aren’t— i don’t want —i want you.”

there it is. you mentally flinch at the confession, a confirmation on her feelings for you; something that cannot be undone and now will haunt you moving forward. it’s not like you can say the words back, because what you said is true. you are with abby.

your friendship with ellie is a friendship. you sigh her name, lowering your head. for some reason, ellie had hoped this moment would come and it would be different. something out of a coming-of-age film, you coming to terms with feelings she’d like to pretend you had for her. abandoning your girlfriend for her.

but you’re too sweet, and that simply is not happening.

“you...you know that i love you.”

she makes it worse. it has been said between you several times, but not like this. she means it in an entirely different, much deeper, meaning.

you don’t reply.

her brows tilt down, tears beginning to form as her body feels on fire. she’s not overcome with pure sadness, she’s frustrated. really fucking frustrated and confused and feeling alone with the feelings, wondering why you’re so calm— like you don’t care.

she thought you did, but she thinks lots of things about you. the idea that maybe, just maybe, it was mutual. you treated her like it was, you made her feel the most loved compared to everyone else in her life, because you knew the most.

the things that brought her joy, that you went out of your way to fill her life with.

a trading card from ebay. a vinyl she spoke about once. her gas station order after getting high together. the kindest things done with the purest intentions, and nothing more. she’s not ungrateful— she just doesn’t get it. she doesn’t want to.

“y-you can’t not feel something,” ellie sounds like she’s trying to convince you, stages of grief already settling inside her. denial, lots of it.

“ellie—” “you can’t.”

“i don’t,” you rush the words out, voice raising an almost unnoticeable level, but still makes ellie sink into her seat. those building tears are now free, a silent cry while she watches you, avoiding to look at her.

“i’m with abby,” you repeat, wondering why it feels like more of a reminder to yourself, than ellie. why it seems like a shield, protecting some sort of lie, or a truth. you take it further, “there was…never…anything between us…”

she talks beneath her breath, “fucking bullshit.”

“ellie.”

“you’re a liar,” ellie doesn’t care for the stern tone in which you spoke her name, a dark cloud of negative emotions hanging over her head. “she’s not fucking here and you’re trying to spare her feelings…what about me?”

you finally look at her, her glossy green eyes appearing so desperate. like you’re her life line. her heart in your hands. but you can’t give in, or give her what she’s yearning for. you cannot give yourself to ellie.

“you’re my best friend, ellie,” you say, watching whatever light leave her eyes at the comment, “and i love you���just not…”

you stop.

ellie holds her breath. a car honks in the distance. an intoxicated person shouts something inaudible. a chill from the cool wind seeps into her truck. the world is moving quickly while everything feels in slow motion for you. then she swallows thickly, “right.”

she wipes her tears, and you take off her jacket that was still on your body, holding it in your lap momentarily. your fingers trace the fabric, a small gulp before you speak in the quietest voice, “you should go…i need to get back before she gets mad.”

there’s a short, dry, scoff laugh from the girl beside you. “wouldn’t want that,” she mutters, “who would you run and cry to?”

there’s venom on her tongue that you’re not familiar with, hell, ellie doesn’t even know where it came from, biting her lip when you look at her with wide eyes; a cold stare that is equivalent to spitting in her face.

“i’m sorry—”

“i’ll tell them you were being stupid. they’ll forget about it next week.”

you had cut her off, a monotone voice that she despises. you open the car door, exiting despite ellie using your name, not wanting the night to end like this. the winter air sends chills down your spine, and yet it’s more comfortable than sharing the same space as ellie in her truck.

“y/n—”

“drive safe.”

her mouth hangs open, watching you shut the car door and walk away, no hesitation or looking back.

you return to the house, to your girlfriend, while she sits lonely in her pickup truck, not being able to turn on the engine. she can’t move. all she can do is cry; but she’s freezing and the tears feel like frost.

she wishes she had you to wipe them away, as she did for you.

[rafescherie]

✮⋆˙ young rafe & his feelings for his childhood best friend.

cherie's note — rafe is such a complex character, sometimes i like to think of what could have happened for him to be such an emotionally reckless person. i hope someone enjoys this, lowk me just being a nerd. ˙ᵕ˙

as a kid, rafe doesn't really understand what he's feeling, you know? growing up with an emotionally unavailable father will do that to you, paving the way to a life full of resentment and bottling feelings. he liked you before he had even been educated about crushes. he just knows that he always wants you around, that he's protective over you like no other, and that something feels... different ... when you're together. too young to understand the concept of crushes, he feels a possessiveness he can't explain when other kids show interest in you. if anyone even so much as glances at you for too long, rafe gets a little prickly, but doesn't voice it. probably brushes it off with a snarky comment or by joking around, but the truth is, it bugs him more than he lets on.

he's fucking heartbroken when your family moves — it shatters rafe in ways he can't fully understand. the final day you hang out, he acts like it doesn't bother him. he masks the sting with jokes and teasing, but deep down, he's devastated. he hides it, though, obviously. he doesn't want to show weakness. after you leave though, he throws himself into distractions, struggling to cope with the concept of not having her around — this is when his reckless behavior, and holding in his feelings really surge. he never fully recovers from the void you left.

as a teenager, the years go on — rafe grows distant and cold, he builds walls around himself, but in the quiet moments, he remembers his childhood best friend — you. it's a bittersweet kind of memory, the kind of memory that stays in the back of his mind, poking at him when he's feeling particularly vulnerable. even as he gets older, he's never truly let go.

if he's being honest with himself, he seems to seek you out in every girl he meets, but no one compares to the memory of you.

and when you finally return to the island? grown into your body perfectly, and now a young woman? rafe's world is flipped upside down. his first instinct is disbelief — the girl he remembers is now a woman. he can't stop staring, and it's almost like seeing her for the first time all over again. his feelings from back then come rushing back, but now they're more intense — he knows what he's feeling now. he can't help but feel self-conscious about the fact that you've changed so much and he hasn't.

despite the fact that rafe has built a tough exterior over the years, when he sees you again, that instinct to protect comes rushing back, stronger than ever. he's not the same sweet, naive boy he once was, but he still wants to keep you safe — and now, he has no idea how to navigate those feelings in the context of their adulthood.

rafe doesn't know how to handle the feelings that resurface — hitting him with a force way harder than he had anticipated. he's older now, but still the same kid in a lot of ways. his usual sarcastic remarks and defensive behaviour come into play, but there's an underlying tension in the way he acts around you. he tries to downplay it, but it's obvious to anyone watching that the spark between the both of you is undeniable.

[tackykachowch]

Hey guys remember that terrible letter in s2? Well, how about I tell you that it's actually worse than it seems?

Alright. For the purpose of my point being more clear I'll recite it here. *barely held in gag*

"Silco. I've looked everywhere, but it's clear that you don't want to be found. Oh, God, I'm shit at this (THEN WHY ARE YOU EVEN WRITING IT YOU STUPID IDIOT. Sorry). I'm sorry. When she died, I lost my head. I told myself that what I did to you was for the greater good, that you deserved it. But the dirt was on both our hands. Anyway, you know where to find me. Blisters and Bedrock"

So, it is obvious that Vander regrets what he did to Silco and that he doesn't view him as a "villian of the story" anymore, so to speak. His murder attempt was purely emotional rather than motivated by ideological opposition or something else. Great.

Buuuut let's rewind to the very start of the series. Right to episode one. There. Take a look at these screenshots.

So Vander says to Benzo that there's someone on their side (the Undercity) who is worse than enforcers. Not even someONE, but someTHING. This implies quite a big level of resentment if you ask me. While he's saying that, he looks at his right hand and touches his uhh...I don't. Know how this thing's called I'm sorry. Let's call it a leather cover. There's clearly a reason why he wears it now, and this seems to be connected to the "thing" they're talking about. Alright. I guess we'll find out more about this later.

Fast forward to episode three. Heeeeey, what is THAT??

So Silco cut his hand?? Well, that all makes sense now then. Something brought Silco and Vander to a conflict, which resulted in Vander trying to kill Silco, and Silco cutting Vander's hand when he was escaping from him. For now (💀) we don't know what exactly caused such a rift between them, but it apparently was something pretty serious considering that Vander even stopped referring to Silco as a person. While he does later says to Silco that what he did to him was wrong, but nothing indicates that Vander changed his opinion on WHY he did it.

Now, there could be an argument that Silco did something that made Vander hate Silco AFTER the river scene, and this is why Vander thinks so badly of him. But earlier in the same episode we see THIS reaction from Vander when Silco appears.

So here's the question: why would Vander react like that to seeing Silco if he knew of something horrible he did post their fallout? What's more likely, he hasn't heard anything about Silco AT ALL, whether he's dead or alive or what he does. So Vander's opinion of Silco ("something worse than enforcers") formed prior to their falling out and it didn't change over time.

Now that we have all that information let's go back to our dear, favorite letter.

Uhhhh so. Vander is an incredibly awful person???? Either that, or he has an extremely severe case of amnesia. Because why would he go from wanting to reconcile with Silco and not blaming him for what happened straight into thinking that he's worse than enforcers and not even a person?? Or in his mind these things can coexist somehow?? And to add to all of that, apparently he never told Benzo the truth about their falling out, and made him think that Silco is an "animal". What, was Vander so butthurt by Silco never contacting him that he went full 5-year-old-mode "Humph!! I hate you now!!" and proceeded to lie to everyone about Silco?? So much for a reasonable and peaceful leader of the Lanes, huh.

But we all know that's not the case at all. The case is, of course, that writers forgot to rewatch season 1 and made up a reason for Vander and Silco to fight which is not at all aligns with what we knew about them and their relationship before. This is, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, one of the biggest cases of negligence in storytelling that I've ever seen.

[harocat]

Why Inuyasha fans should watch hit Chinese fantasy drama Love Game in Eastern Fantasy.

This wonderful art was created by Sparky! You can find her twt account here, and if you're interested in commissioning something yourself, her vgen account here.

I promised I'd make this post, and I also promised I'd commission some chibis of the lead pairs from both shows swapping outfits as to entice you, so here we go. If the adorable art isn't enough to convince you, read this way!

Love Game in Eastern Fantasy is a 2024 Chinese fantasy drama starring Esther Yu and Ding Yuxi. It's thirty-two episodes long. The show has been a big hit in China due to its charming storyline, hilarious meta-humor, strong performances, beautiful costumes and sets, and well crafted characters. Let me get this out of the way first; yes, that is the English title of the series, and yes it's a pretty bad and unappealing sounding title. It's not uncommon for English titles of Chinese dramas to be kind of terrible. I promise it does not reflect the quality of the series itself. The original Chinese title is 永夜星河 (Yong Ye Xing He: Eternal Night of Starry River). This, although pretty, doesn't have much to do with the series either. For the rest of the post, I will be abbreviating the title to LGIEF.

Let's start with an introduction of our lead characters, then we'll go into why I think Inuyasha fans specifically will enjoy this series, although it should become quite obvious along the way.

Ling Miaomiao

Funny, compassionate, and clever, Ling Miaomiao is a young woman from the twenty-first century who is transmigrated out of her boring every day work life and into the novel Catching Demons. Once inside, she retains her memories of the real world and is given two main tasks by 'the system', the mysterious force that governs her stay in this parallel world; the first one is to stop the catastrophe of heaven, a potentially world ending event, and the second... is to make the second male lead of the original novel, a standoffish, suspicious young man named Mu Sheng, fall in love with her.

The problem is that she hasn't been transmigrated as Ling Miaomiao, but is instead in the body of the character of Lin Yu, the second female lead of the original novel, as well as an antagonist. Well, Ling Miaomiao doesn't have it in her to be a villain, and besides how can she capture the affection of Mu Sheng that way? It turns out that the best way to do so is by being herself. But of course, as goes in these stories, she didn't expect to fall in love along the way.

Miaomiao is, in addition to having one of the best wardrobes I've ever seen, so charming, so cute, so amusing, and such a sunshine of a character. She's not pliant. She sticks to her guns and doesn't take shit, but she's also kind, tolerant, accepting, and borderline fearless at times. Esther Yu has wonderful comic timing. She is a delight.

Mu Sheng

Courtesy name 'Ziqi', and what I'll be referring to him as in this post. Ziqi is the second male lead in the novel Catching Demons and the adopted younger brother of the novel's protagonist, Mu Yao. He's very close to his sister, and his self esteem is debilitatingly low, to the point he sees protecting her as the only reason for his existence. In the original novel, he becomes an antagonist at a later point.

Ziqi and his sister, Mu Yao, are demon catchers. They're both powerful cultivators (magic users) and warriors. Her family (and his adopted family--- sort of) were all killed by a powerful demon called the Resentful Woman about a decade before, and Mu Yao is on a quest to find her and defeat her, with Ziqi tagging along. But Ziqi has a secret, and it's one that he is terrified of his sister, who abhors demons, finding out. He is half demon himself. A gold ribbon he wears in his hair at all times protects him, keeping his true identity hidden unless it's removed.

He loathes his heritage and sees it as shameful-- until Ling Miaomiao comes along. Ziqi is brusque, angry, and bitter. He has a front of bravado, but is DEEPLY insecure. He starts out very rude. He's love starved but shirks away from love. He's jaded, but extremely innocent. He's a tsundere (even described as such in official material, which I found funny). His actor pulls off the best sad kitten eyes any man ever has, and your heart will break for him.

To clarify, although in the original novel Catching Demons, Ziqi and Miaomiao are not the leads, in the drama Love Game in Eastern Fantasy, they 300% are! This is a story about what happens when the second leads... become the leads.

Other Major Characters

Mu Yao- Ziqi's adopted older sister. He is extremely close to and protective of her, but her hatred of demons due to her past makes it so revealing his secret seems impossible. Mu Yao is a demon catcher from the famous Mu clan, which has been the most prominent demon catching clan for nine hundred years. She is friendly and no-nonsense, and as the story continues, she grows and matures in her views. She is very close to Ling Miaomiao, and she is in love with the original male lead of the novel, Liu Fuyi.

Liu Fuyi- The original male lead of the novel. He starts out quite 'wooden', which I think is deliberate because Ling Miaomiao even commented on him being a badly written character as she read the original novel. However, as the story goes on and he becomes more of a real person, he fills out and ends up likable. Stalwart, calm, and noble, he is in love with Mu Yao but dares not say it. He has a more nuanced, less prejudiced view of demons than Mu Yao does.

Cuicui- The last member of our group of demon catching travelers. Cuicui is a young bamboo demon who quickly bonds with Ling Miaomiao, sneaking along by turning himself into a bamboo hair pin she wears. He is very Shippou in that he adores LMM and bickers with Ziqi, but I actually do like him a lot better than his Inuyasha counterpart. He's quite useful, and he forms a pretty sweet bond with Ziqi over time.

You can very much see even from here how the main cast really fills those Inuyasha roles! Together, they are the Four Bamboo Masters.

(Actual art of the Four Bamboo Masters+Cuicui by artist extraordinaire Ling Miaomiao)

The World

The universe of Catching Demons is a fantasy ancient China filled with yao which is the Mandarin Chinese word for demons of the variety featured in the series. If you understand youkai, you somewhat understand yao.

Japanese "yokai" is the Japanese transliteration or pronunciation of the Chinese term "yaoguai" and involves similarly strange creatures, with both languages using the same Chinese characters to describe them. ( x )

Yao in this world are for the most part, morally neutral, but are generally viewed as evil by humans. Those that are evil often ended up going that direction because of humanity's actions toward them. They can form from aspects of nature; bamboo, foxes, water, cats, birds, etc. There are also object based yao based on mirrors, paintbrushes, etc. Inuyasha fans will definitely see some similarities in the folklore between the series.

As with many high budget Chinese dramas, the settings are beautiful and atmospheric, capturing both the gorgeous architecture, clothing, etc. of a fantasy ancient China, as well as the nature and magic of this specific world. The effects are quality for a tv production, and the costumes, makeup, and wigs are next level. There's so much rich detail in them. Ling Miaomiao's hair ornaments alone deserve an entire post praising them.

Since this is also a transmigration story, the mechanics of 'the system' often come into play. This results in some of the best humor in the series. Ling Miaomiao's battle with the system is hilarious and clever. It's rendered as if it is a video game, with LMM in the early episodes 'dying' and having to respawn... many, many times. In order to clear her mission, Ling Miaomiao must get Mu Sheng to 100% favorability toward her, which is calculated adorably by little mushroom shaped demons.

One of the biggest appeals of the series is Miaomiao's modern mind set in this ancient world, and the fact that since she believes this to be just a novel at first, she is hysterically meta, often commenting on the quality of the story and well...

The Love Story

This love story is like crack to Inuyasha/Kagome fans (aka me). You should have gotten the vibe of the obvious character similarities from above, but their romance plays with so many of the tropes that made InuKag great and pulls them off so well. It doesn't feel like a rehash, it just happens to use similar tropes to great impact.

Look, this scene is spoiler-y for episode eleven, but I just think that if anything is going to sell you on this show, it's probably going to be this scene, so watch it.

In it, Ziqi has been forced to remove his hair ribbon to battle a demon, because he's not near strong enough without doing so. The rest is self explanatory from the video.

This is a really gentle love story. It has a lot of what I love about InuKag, which is a casual intimacy, a soft, sometimes unspoken affection, and a chemistry between the characters that speaks of a deep connection that goes far beyond just their romantic attraction. These are two people that click, and it's beautiful to watch the way they impact each other. It's about support, belief, trust, and acceptance. They start off very much on the wrong foot, as our intrepid lovers in IY do, but when they come together, it's all of that and more, plus a level of playful bickering.

I, Mu Ziqi, swear to the heavens that if I lose you somehow, I'll come back to find you. No matter how far it is, no matter how hard it is, I will bring you back.

And I am not the only one who has noticed the similarities to Inuyasha:

1, 2

Plus all the likes and reblogs on this post.

What else does the show have to offer?

I don't really want to go further into spoilers, but I love the themes of this story. It's about learning to love yourself, trust, and compassion of course, but it also ends up being a super uplifting commentary on the power of storytelling, memory, the impact fiction can have on us, the way love is laced into everything we create, and the power simple acts of kindness can have. The value of this series goes far beyond just being similar to Inuyasha, although that's definitely a plus.

Famous last words from early series Ling Miaomiao. Girl, you have no idea.

Does it have a happy ending?

Yes. I will leave it at that.

But I've never watched a Chinese drama...

This is a great place to start. There's little to nothing that should confuse you as a first time watcher. It's a perfect introduction.

Where can I watch it?

Luckily, unlike a lot of Cdramas, LGIEF is extremely accessible and available on several streaming sites. It's on Netflix, Viki, Youtube (up to ep twenty-three), and WeTV. If you have a Netflix account, it's there right now!! Audio is Mandarin Chinese of course, but subtitles are available in several languages.

If you do watch it, let me know! And make sure to share this post of course.

I watched LGIEF and I loved it (of course). What should I watch next?

Here's a few Chinese dramas that are readily available streaming, that I think LGIEF fans would enjoy:

Love Between Fairy and Devil (thirty-six episodes, streaming on Netflix, Viki, and IQIYI): When a low-ranked fairy accidentally resurrects a powerful demon, their fates become cosmically entangled as the world is thrown into turmoil.

For me, not just my favorite fantasy drama of all time, but my favorite drama period. Like LGIEF, this drama stars Esther Yu in the role of the heroine. One of the screenwriters is also the same as LGIEF, and much of the production team is similar.

This is a gorgeous story of the redemptive power of love of all kinds, of breaking the cycle of war, and of defying fate no matter the cost. A fantastic cast, stunning costumes, and the best soundtrack ever. If you're like me and are wary of the 'good girl changes the bad boy' trope, don't be. Dongfang Qingcang (the male lead) is an amazing character; he's deep and layered and complex, and he is never actually a villain. His trauma is convincing, and everything about him is so, so good. Xiao Lanhua is the heroine. Her character arc is so lovingly done. The two leads don't change for each other, they change because of each other. It's simultaneously one of the funniest dramas I've ever seen and devastatingly heartbreaking. You will laugh, you will cry. Happy ending though, I promise.

The Romance of Tiger and Rose (twenty-four episodes, streaming on Amazon Prime, WeTV, and Viki): A young screenwriter falls ill while working on a script and wakes up as one of her characters.

Confession that I am still working on watching this one, but it's quite popular and the first episodes are charming. It's mainly on here because it stars Ding Yuxi (Ziqi) as the love interest in another transmigration story. It's also not as long as a lot of other dramas, so it's a bit less of a commitment. It's a well known drama that is highly rated in most places.

Destined (forty episodes, streaming on IQIYI): Liu Yuru has suffered in her family; her only hope is to marry her crush, but fateful events force her to marry a rumored playboy from a rich family.

This is not the most appealing summary, but I promise it's misleading. This show is good. The main couple is ride or die, and they become best friends long before they become a couple. The heroine is extremely smart, capable, and business savvy. The hero is charming, funny, and so charismatic. It's the most fun you will ever have watching people do business (I kid; there is business, but there is so much more to the plot). The supporting cast is fantastic, and the relationships!! Wonderful friendships between women, wonderful friendships between men, and wonderful platonic friendships between men and women. SUPER good at subverting tropes. This is a costume drama, not a fantasy, but you won't miss the magic. Oh and did I mention this is by the screenwriter behind LGIEF and LBFAD?

Love You Seven Times (thirty-eight episodes, streaming on IQIYI): It tells the story of Xiang Yun, a fairy from Marriage Pavilion who becomes entangled with the ancient God of War, Chu Kong. Because of this encounter, they must go through tribulations in the human world seven times.

Stars Ding Yuxi (Ziqi) in the role of the hero. An ultimately flawed, but still fun fantasy drama. Gorgeous costumes, wigs, sets, etc., and a lot of heart. Don't expect writing as slick as some of the other dramas here, but do expect to enjoy yourself watching these two immortals discover each other while fumbling throughout seven very different lifetimes. Each lifetime has its own very unique vibes and aesthetic, and seeing how they all pan out if half the fun. Plus, if you like Inuyasha, you absolutely must see the arc where Chu Kong becomes a cat demon.

Moonlight (thirty-six episodes, streaming on Amazon Prime, Viki, IQIYI): After graduating university with a major in financing, Chu Li successfully enters her dream company, Yuan Yue Publishing House. There she meets author Zhou Chuan, who is said to be gentle as a jade when he's really not.

I can’t believe I forgot this at first! I haven’t seen it yet, but it’s a previous collaboration between Esther Yu and Ding Yuxi from 2021. If you enjoy their chemistry and the way they play off each other in LGIEF, you may want to check it out. It’s a modern romance drama, which isn’t as much my thing, but it’s deeply loved by a lot of drama fans and has great reviews.

[fastcardotmp3]

athena + maddie; 1k words

"Did Bobby ever tell you much about my brother Daniel?"

Athena looks up, a flicker of a thing, before her gaze trains back on the pot of coffee she pours out into two matching mugs.

"I know he passed when you were young," Athena says, sliding one of the mugs across the island to where Maddie sits on a stool, but staying standing on her side as she lifts her own to her lips. "I know Buck didn't know about him until a few years ago."

Maddie wraps her hands around her mug and watches the steam, nods as though centering herself, and offers a melancholy smile as she lifts her eyes.

"My parents didn't want to talk about him after he died," she says. "They didn't want me to bring him up."

"That must have been very difficult."

Athena has known Maddie Buckley for quite some time, now. She has seen her through terrible things and Maddie's voice has been the guiding force to see Athena through the same.

She's a tough woman, but a woman whose toughness presents much differently than Athena's own. Maddie is unapologetically emotional in ways Athena has always been terrified of being, worried for the sort of weakness with which it would mark her.

They are both resourceful women, Athena knows this, but the resources into which they dip when they need to support themselves through the pull of a vitriolic gravity are simply different.

A For Sale sign sits in the front yard of this house built from ash and Maddie Buckley sits at the counter because she just felt like stopping by but Athena isn't sure she's ready for Maddie's version of strength. Not sure if she's ready to abandon her own.

"It was difficult," Maddie admits like a simpler thing than Athena knows it to be. "I wasn't allowed to grieve my brother. They would get-- If I even hinted at trying to talk about him, they would get so upset and I would feel so guilty for it."

"It's a lot for a child to carry," Athena breathes, because she has known Maddie for many years, and even the version of this woman she knew still on the run feels nearly childlike compared to the one she looks at before her now.

"It's a lot for anyone to carry," Maddie tells her: pointed, but gentle.

If nothing else, it drags a dry chuckle out of Athena's lungs.

If nothing else, it creates the illusion of laughter.

"I knew you weren't just stopping by for my coffee," she smiles at Maddie with a sidelong look over the lip of her mug.

Maddie shrugs. "It's good coffee either way," she says. "But you're right. I do have a point."

A faux sheepishness to it that Athena can see right through, that Maddie doesn't seem bothered by the transparency of. She's not ashamed to be here, poking at Athena's grief.

There's something refreshing about that, in spite of the rest which her presence brings to the front.

"Go on ahead," Athena motions broadly with a sweep of her hand and Maddie leans further into the counter, closing some of the distance between them.

"I know that I can't begin to understand what you're going through and I know I'm probably the last person you ever want to try and relate to with how everything played out," Maddie speaks aloud that which has been crumbling away bit by bit, with each passing day that a group photo--family photo-- has sat on the side table in an empty, echoing living room.

She is Chimney's wife, this woman. She, perhaps, was served more than anyone in Bobby's sacrifice.

Athena has been angry at Chimney. She has looked at him and seen everything she lost. She has resented him for living when Bobby didn't.

But Maddie?

Maddie has been a source of something Athena hasn't known much of in her life. Jealousy.

Her partner came home to her. She gets to go home to her partner, still.

She's right, really, that Athena does not care to relate to her, even as she's finding her stumbling way out of that pit of despair and rage which this blossoming young family instills within her.

"But I also know..." Maddie continues, all that emotion right on her face, "I know that no one wants to speak his name around you right now. I know it probably feels like playing a game of taboo, that if you talk about him, you'll only make them all feel guilty. But, Athena, what if that's the trick? I already feel guilty."

A burst of something wet and hurting bubbles out of Athena, teary like a sob but sharp like a laugh. Maddie pushes onwards with the kind of pull at her lips which somehow encompasses all the complexity of feeling in the kitchen with them. Big, brown eyes like reflections of the unspoken parts of this conversation.

"I didn't start healing from losing Daniel until I was an adult because I wasn't given the space to. My parents still haven't, I don't think, because they don't want that space," she says hoarsely. "And I don't want that for you. I want you to have the chance to feel it out loud without feeling like a burden. I don't want you to feel like you have to hide from it for our sake."

"So you'd rather I make it your burden, then?" Athena asks, coffee long forgotten and something about the tension, the release of it, making the room feel warmer than it has since that last morning when it held him. Not in an entirely pleasant way, but not the opposite either.

And Maddie Buckley is tough. She has been through the wringer.

She takes it all on board differently that Athena does, but she takes it.

"Athena," she breathes, "Whether you let me help you or not, I already am. At least make it worth something."

Tears claw their way down Athena's cheeks.

Perhaps they can share in this show of strength.

[senblades]

Just realized that Crow and Violet enter the Phantom thieves group with the same condition, though not the same circumstances.

They both first Joined as a fake of themselves, fooling everyone. Then they were a 2-phase boss fight, where the true self gets revealed. Then they join the team, for good and for real.

Hmmmmmmmmm

ANON YOU'RE SO RIGHT I'M

I'll always be a little sad that Atlus never went all-in on the SumiGoro friendship/parallels potential... o7 another fallen dynamic for the pit

in all seriousness, though: many people have talked about the Akechi and Sumire parallels far better than I ever could, but I'll talk some more anyway!

I think the most obvious parallel is in who they admire/resent. Sumire, obviously, admires Kasumi in every way- undercut with resentment that she's scared to ackowledge. Akechi, meanwhile, resents Joker to hell and back, undercut with layers of admiration that he refuses to admit to (+ uh. shauke angst HAHA)

Both are lying to themselves about their other halves, but even more interestingly: Both Kasumi and Joker see Sumire and Akechi respectively as their equals/rivals, despite everything, and even though it may seem that one half is clearly better than the other at first glance.

Sumire's coach, during the Faith confidant, tells Sumire how Kasumi had worked so hard because she knew if she didn't, Sumire would catch up to her- that Kasumi was jealous of Sumire's grace (Ironic, as meanwhile Sumire was desperate to emulate Kasumi's boldness)

Joker's a bit different -silent protag, and all- but, even still: "I'll hold onto you're glove", "I won't lose"- so much of Joker's dialogue about Akechi makes it clear that he takes the other seriously. Plus, the consistent reminders that the promise for a rematch hasn't been fulfilled: clearly, Joker doesn't consider the interrogation room nor the engine room 'fair fights', or true indicators of either's skill (stop me before I go on a tangent)

It's not just Joker=Kasumi and Sumire=Akechi, though. The fact that both sides of each equation are equals means that some lines get crossed. I'm thinking Kasumi's "Because that's my right, as the elder sister!" vs. Akechi's "Going all out against a junior seems a bit gauche, don't you think?"- both Kasumi and Akechi seem to have this idea that they have to be better (a bit of speculation on my part, for Kasumi)- they have no excuse to lose; it's only natural if they win, and incredibly dissapointing otherwise.

back to crow/violet parallels, they also act as excellent foils for each other in the royal trio dynamic: Sumire, when faced with low self-esteem and terrible circumstances, latches onto people that she considers "better"- imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, after all! And Sumire has imitation in spades.

Akechi, meanwhile, distances himself from pretty much everyone. He seems to value shallow praise of people that don't really see, rather than experience the mortifying ordeal of being known, and whatnot.

but even then, Akechi does have some similar tendencies to Sumire- he just hides it under layers of deflection and lying to himself. He claims to absolutely hate Shido and Joker, and while I don't doubt that, necessarily, it's clearly far more complicated than that. Akechi, no matter how he feels about them, lives and dies by the will of his obsessions- and by the time of the third semster, he's had enough. (while, conversely, Sumire hasn't quite learned to stand on her own)

Actually, speaking of the third semester; Maruki's reality also highlights some similarities between the two, as the two people most egregiously edited by the false reality: Sumire, back to believing she's Kasumi, and Akechi as "I've never had a violent thought in my life!" pleasant boy. Those two are the only members of the PT where Maruki goes straight for the personality.

whoops. long post HAHA

[kiyomitakada]

This is for research, Light reasons. Curiosity. He’s been on plenty of Kira fanwebsites; it makes sense to conduct an impromptu survey on how he’s seen in a rather different audience.

Research.

He holds his breath and clicks.

Title: got so close (but then you lost it) Rating: E Category: F/F Fandom: Kira Investigation RPF, how the fuck is that a canon tag Ship: L/Kira Tags: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Object and Concept Anthropomorphism, i think kira should take the L for once, if you know what i mean - Freeform

Notes: hahahahahaa hiiiii yall bet you thought you’d seen the last of me. its been a couple of rough months but im back! if my therapist sees this uh. sorry? this counts as processing my feelings right

Maybe Light should stop. Surely a work written by someone who doesn't even use apostrophes or punctuation consistently can't be good quality. Besides, what is a work about a serial killer doing in the E rating? Doesn't that mean E for Everyone?

…Then again, it's not like he's reading this for its literary value, he reasons. It's just. Research. Curiosity. If it's really bad, maybe he can make fun of it with Ryuk.

Kira throws the doors of the final room open. Her voice rings out loud and clear: "Where are you, L? Hiding like a coward?" She receives no answer. Kira exhales, brushing her free hand against her T-shirt. There's no need to hurry. She has all the time in the world; the alarms are disabled and she's killed all the guards, after all. Tracking down L's hidden compound had been the difficult part. It was easier than pie to break in. At last, she thinks, this will be her perfect victory.

Oh god. Oh god, someone put effort into this. Light doesn't know whether to be flattered or horrified.

(Why can he hear this in his voice?)

The control room is silent but for the humming of thousands of monitors mounted on the walls, all displaying static now thanks to Kira's interference. "I know you're there, L," Kira says, taking one step forward. Then another. "You can't hide from me forever." "You're right," says a new voice. "I wasn't hiding in the first place." Kira turns towards it, gripping her scythe in one hand—

"My what," Light says aloud.

—and nearly gasps when she identifies the source: the large L painted on the back wall. Her mind whirls. Another recording, just like the one a million people had heard from the TV that day. L's hiding behind an image again. "Very funny," Kira says. She's blocked all the escape routes; the real L must be in this room somewhere. "Show yourself." "As you wish." And then the painted L peels off the wall. Kira jumps back despite herself. The scythe clatters to the ground. The L is just a few centimeters taller than her, a fact that Kira instinctively resents, and it's the same font as what Kira had seen on television: the smooth vertical curve, the jagged angle, the protrusions from the spine. Her heartbeat quickens. Kira, despite being a magical girl—

"I'm a what?!"

—is ultimately still human. This… thing is decidedly not.

"Why am I the human one," Light mutters. She — he hasn't quite gotten the hang of this 'archive' yet, but he's searching for ones where he has wings later.

"What are you?" Kira asks, trying to flatten the tremble in her voice. "I am L," says L. "And I'm a girl, just like you." "You're a letter," Kira says. "An alive letter." "I wasn't always this way," L says. Its — her? — voice is matter-of-fact. "But it was… easier." "Easier to what?" "Tell me, Kira," L says. "Do you ever feel… uncomfortable in your own skin? Do you ever feel like you were born to be something else, something greater, something beyond your original form? Do you ever feel like you died a very long time ago?" Kira swallows, and stays silent. "Well, it doesn't matter," L dismisses. "It's far too late for you to change." "It's too late for anyone to change," Kira corrects. "You've seen recidivism rates. Criminals are rotten all the way to the core."

"That's not right," Light mumbles. Kira isn't just trying to get rid of all evil people in society; Kira is trying to scare everyone into being better. Of course behavior can be changed, corrected. What's the point of a new world if people can't improve on themselves?

…Then again. Light can't help but agree, just a little. Some people are beyond help.

(They have to be. Otherwise, why would the Death Note have dropped into her life?)

(She's doing the world a favor, honestly.)

"And what about me?" "Huh?" "Am I," and L leans in further, the serif tail at the top of the letter almost brushing Kira's cheek, "rotten to the core?" "I…" In an attempt to tear her gaze away from L, Kira finds herself tracing the lines of the letter with her eyes: the mathematically perfect arcs of her back interrupted by those sharp spikes of decoration. She feels herself oddly compelled to touch them.

Light pointedly does not think about the real L's hair.

What is she doing? Kira shakes her head, snapping out of her reverie, and dives for the scythe. Her fingers wrap around it just as she crashes into L's two-dimensional feet and L folds like a blanket, covering her in unexpected warmth before Kira scrambles back to her feet. "Monster," she shouts, pointing the scythe decisively, "I see you thus and I name you L!"

Well. That explains the magical girl thing. In retrospect, it does make more aesthetic sense than the notebook.

The scythe sparks; a beam of light bursts from its tip and — Stops. Kira watches in horror as it fizzes into nothing. A low chuckle fills the room. Something hot surges in Kira's chest: fury. "A bit difficult to conduct your magic when I have no face, isn't it," L says. She's shifted to lounge languidly on the floor, rather than sprawled awkwardly across it. "That's not — fair! Just looking at you should be enough!" "The world isn't fair, my dear Kira," L says. "As I'm sure you know best." Kira's free hand clenches into a fist. There's nothing for it. She's going to have to strangle this letter-girl. She's going to have to stop her breath at its root. "Well, Kira? What are you going to—" Kira drops the scythe and pounces. L twists away too late; Kira is already on her, one foot hooked over the bottom stroke of the letter to prevent her from running, her hands straining towards the juncture between L’s serif and vertical curve. L is so very warm, almost searing under Kira’s fingers as they close around her throat. L groans. The heat in Kira’s chest abruptly changes directions to pool in her stomach. It occurs to her distantly that if L can’t be counted as having a face, it’s entirely possible that she doesn’t need to breathe, either. Kira can’t bring herself to care. Here L is, her worst enemy, completely under Kira’s thumb — the exhilaration leaves Kira’s throat dry. "What do you think of that, L?" She tightens her grip. L makes a choked sound; the two lines of the letter’s throat shudder beneath Kira’s fingers. "You like that?" "Please," L gasps, "I need—" "Use your words," Kira hisses. Curiosity drives her to slide a finger into the crack between the two lines that make up L’s vertical stroke, and to her vicious delight L whimpers. "Come on, L, what do you want?" "Keep doing that," L says. The cool voice from the public broadcast, rendered into shreds. Kira desperately wants her to shut up forever. She unconsciously shifts her weight against L’s bottom stroke, hungry for friction. "Oh god, Kira, I…" "Yeah?" Kira wedges a second finger in, and has to bite her lip to stifle a moan when L bucks against her. "I dreamed about this," L manages, low like a confession. "Dreamed about y

"Light, Sayu! Time for dinner!"

Light slams her laptop shut so quickly she thinks she sprains a finger.

"Coming!" She yells downstairs, wincing at how out of breath she sounds.

Jesus fucking Christ. What was that? Why did she keep reading?

And. And wait. She? No, he. Light’s a he, no matter what weird people on the internet think, the same way L isn’t actually a letter. Right. She must have just gotten confused.

…He must have just gotten confused. Obviously.

(Something in Light’s ribcage pangs.)

He wills the blood away from his cheeks. He shouldn’t be surprised, frankly. Light is perfectly aware there’s porn of everything on the internet, even if it is marked E for Everyone.

…Wait.

Light opens his laptop again, scrolls as fast as he can to the top, then hovers over the E.

Oh. Ohhhh. Well. How was he supposed to know, he sulks. There should be a huge banner proclaiming THERE’S SEX IN THIS FAN FICTION for ease of access to first-time users. The world is truly rotting.

"Light?"

"On my way!"

Light shuts his laptop again, more gently this time, and opens the door.

Do you ever feel like you died a long time ago?

It is far too easy to imagine L’s mouth moving around the words.

Light closes her eyes against it. What a ridiculous question.

She can hear Ryuk’s laughter the whole way down.

[ @deathnotetober day 9: crack ship ]

[theamityelf]

this is giving me the stupid but funny idea of the project eden gang all having to deal with main cast minis, makoto (and komaeda if we're adding not thh minis) is the only person who liked the friendship hope speech at the end of chapter one

Oh boy, don't do this to me, lol.

Alright yes, Mini THH P:EG AU, because I have no self-control.

The funniest person to give Makoto to would be Mark. I find that simply adorable and funny. My first thought for Makoto was Desmond, because I was imagining an exchange where the Diana speech happens, Makoto goes, "Wait, she's right!", and Desmond very quietly answers, "No, no she's not, that was cringe..."

I'm not sure whether to sort this by talent or Rule of Funny, but let's do this.

Damon- There is a certain appeal to sticking him with Makoto. While Makoto tries to be optimistic, Damon is often shutting that down. He finds him naive. Plus, he would deeply resent being given a "lucky student" while other people get "actual" Ultimates. For a while, he's annoyed whenever Makoto says or does anything.

But Makoto's a hard person to ignore for long– both on the virtue of his skills at getting close to people, and just based on the fact that Damon is tasked with taking care of him and he's still tiny, clumsy Makoto who will get very, very lost somewhere if Damon ignores him.

Like, Makoto tries to change Damon's outlook, Damon decides to ignore him, and then several hours later it occurs to him that he hasn't heard from Makoto in a while and he has to search everywhere. Finds him deep in the kitchen trashcan, shaking and covered in food. Damon reacts to this a little like an older sibling who accidentally got the younger sibling hurt and needs them not to tell Mom; a lot of, "Hey, you're okay, shh, you're fine. Here, let's wash that off." He has no choice but to engage with Makoto. Any amount of "Just pretend he's not there" will result in another scare like that. At least once, he finds Makoto treading water in the basement, close to drowning.

Also, the mini I'm giving Kai makes this all the better.

Cassidy- CASSIDY GETS TAKA, for sure. Her being a communist makes for such fun dynamics. He'd enjoy her spirit while disagreeing with aspects of her conduct. And honestly, I think they'd have more ideologically in common than not. Which is great, because their vibes are so different.

Desmond- I think I'll give him Mukuro. Works for talent, and their vibes are different enough. He'll be trying to bring her out of her shell, and just generally being friendly in the face of her overall stoic and pragmatic demeanor. I think they'd be fun. I'm imagining, after Diana's speech, Mukuro is like, "Yikes," and Desmond shushes her.

Diana- Super valid option for Junko, especially given her unsuccessful hope speech. But she's getting Celeste instead. I enjoy the idea of, after Diana tries to encourage everyone and fails, Celeste being the only one for her to talk to. Like, "If you do not adapt, you will die here." Poor Diana's just trying to be a person, and Celeste is there like, "Fortify. Do not let them get to you like this or see you like this ever again."

It's kind of sweet. They genuinely care about each other.

Eloise- Sakura would be great for her. They'd really study each other's martial arts. Eloise is shy (with a quiet strength to her when necessary), and I think Sakura's sort of sage, intimidating presence (even in miniature) would be a cool vibe contrast.

Eva- The exact worst option for her would be Toko. Absolutely not. It's tempting to give her Hina, since I think a kind jock encounter would be cool for her, but I'm not going that route.

I think Chihiro would be pretty good. They've both had a lot of negative social experiences in school, but Chihiro hasn't stopped being receptive to friendship in the way Eva has. Plus, they can both relate to hiding aspects of themselves in an attempt to be safe. Chihiro would be crying over stuff Eva says and does, and I think Eva would be pretty impatient about it. Mainly because Chihiro reminds her of herself, but in the exact way she doesn't want to be seen: vulnerable. Weak. The grudging way she cares for Chihiro speaks to how she feels about her past self, who let people's behavior get to her.

Grace- She's getting Hina, and I imagine she has some shades of "Aren't you tired of being nice?" about it. She likes her, but she also sees Hina's pleasant demeanor and is like "You know you don't have to do that, right?". I think this could be pretty cute. Hina would be startled and alarmed when Grace attacks Tozu, but also she supports it 100%.

Ingrid- She gets Hifumi, and he keeps asking her for a cool sword. I think she'd be a good influence on him. She's someone no one likes to disappoint.

Jean- Giving him Leon. No insights there; the dynamic is barely different than when I gave Leon to Nekomaru.

Jett- Giving him Mondo is pretty on-the-nose, but I'm alright with that. I can see him frequently telling Mondo, "Dude, relax," in a really easygoing way. Plus, they talk a lot about engines or something.

Kai- Definitely Junko. Sensitive influencer and edgy supermodel. She makes him cry. But also they kinda get along. I'm just picturing them both standing in front of their bathroom mirror, doing their makeup and chatting. And Damon is rooming with them, which means Makoto is rooming with them. That's fun. Junko and Makoto hanging out.

Mark- I'm giving him Sayaka, because it's all the hilarity of giving him Makoto, while keeping him with someone musically talented. I like to imagine Mark shuffling up to someone like, "My mini wants to talk to your mini..." Sayaka being so extroverted would be a fun fit for him.

Toshiko- She gets Byakuya. Talent-wise, Wenona would get Byakuya, but there's not as much to play with there. Toshiko would be able to call his bluff on all the tsundere behavior (exclusively in private; she's not blowing up his spot) while conducting herself in a way that wouldn't embarrass him. It occurs to me that this is basically giving Byakuya a little sister who ships Naegami, and I love it.

Ulysses- He gets Toko. Because he can't smell, he's likely very vigilant about regular bath times, so he's making sure she's taken care of even when she doesn't make time to take care of herself. (He's not going to wash her himself, but if he draws water in the sink basin and leaves her there for a certain length of time, she's gotta do something. It's not like she has her writing stuff, in there.) Plus, vibe-wise, I think they'd really get along.

Wenona- She gets Yasuhiro. They both like money, but she's just worlds better at it than he is. His kinds of money-making schemes are beneath her dignity, and she'd have no problem saying so. Plus, they're both pretty un-trusting people, but again, she has more poise about it. They definitely have different areas of expertise, and it would be cool to have them share insights with each other. The vibe for this pairing is that she's her cool self and he comes across as a little caricature of all her thoughts and feelings.

Wolfgang- He gets Kyoko, and Damon hates it. (In this scenario, maybe Kyoko doesn't forget her talent.) She and Wolfgang get along pretty well, though she does warn Wolfgang when she believes his actions will backfire. And he doesn't like letting her wander off, which she finds annoying. But when she asks him to go somewhere and/or let her see something, he does. (If Wolfgang dies, Damon will gladly volunteer to take Kyoko.)

[iwanderbecauseimlost]

Celebrimbor Week Day 2

my submission for day two - family. @the-southlands

Visiting Uncle Nelyo was always a pleasurable experience for Celebrimbor. Maybe a little more than visiting Uncle Tyelko, which became a weekly thing on his father's insistence when they were alive. Celebrimbor mused on his way to Uncle Nelyo's house. It had been a few months since he'd visited, and he also wanted to see how Elrond and Elros were faring.

When he reached, he knocked, and the door opened to reveal Uncle Nelyo, still as flamboyant and fabulous as ever. He waved his existing hand. "Tyelpe, my boy! Come in!" As he stepped in, he was pulled into a hug by his uncle. His ears were assaulted by Elrond and Elros' yapping, while Maglor stood behind, smiling slightly. When Maedhros released him, Tyelpe bent to lift Elrond and Elros each on one arm. On setting them down, he pulled out candies from his pocket, and gave them each their favourites (supervised by Maglor's panicky eyes.)

When the excitement settled down, and Elrond and Elros were shooed out by Maglor, they all sat down and talked of this and that. "How's your mother, Tyelpe?" asked Nelyo. "She is fine. Doesn't smile as much, and hasn't laughed out loud since Ada popped off. I think she resents me a little, for not following Ada. But what am I to do? She's my mother, and I'm her son, and nothing will stop us from being mother and son."

Nelyo nodded knowingly. "I can imagine. She loved your Ada very much, you know. Right Kano?" Tyelpe and Uncle Nelyo both turned to look at him, but he was nowhere to be found. He returned just then, rambling about Elrond and Elros being 'too quiet'. "You will stay for dinner, yes?" Asked Maglor. "I made curry."

Tyelpe smiled.

Once dinner was done, Nelyo brought out the ice cream. Maglor nearly fainted when Nelyo served Elrond and Elros a second serving of ice cream, and actually choked when he gave himself a fourth helping. ("You'll become diabetic, Russa!" "I'm a fucking elf, Kano!" "Don't swear in front of the children, Russa!") Nelyo served himself a fifth helping just to spite him.

Tyelpe smiled watching them. Despite Maglor's anxiety re diabetes, he kept refilling Tyelpe's bowl. He began thinking again. With them, he was Tyelpe. Not Celebrimbor, the elvensmith. Nor yet Fëanor's grandson. Just Tyelpe, visiting his uncles Nelyo and Maglor, and their sons.

"Sometimes family is your (slightly resentful) mother, your gay uncle, your panicky uncle, and the two gremlins your uncle kidnapped," thought he.

Little scribble for this one.

[alexandia03]

About the RQ server

Okay, to those of you who know me, you know this kind of posts are not my style and I am mostly quiet and minding my little pink corner with Imrrick fics and such. But there have been things happening in the past few months that have affected my mental health and I think I've been quiet for long enough about it.

This is about to get pretty ugly and I chose not to censor or cut the messages that are relevant for this discussion, only to cover some names for the sake of maintaining a level of respect that hasn't been extended to me.

I will state from the start that I don't expect anyone to take any side or to do anything, this is me sharing my experience and it is cathartic.

I expect people now to come with stories about how amazing the server is, to discredit me and all that jazz and I honestly don't care. This is my side of the story and believe me, it's a summary of everything going on. My intention is not to make anyone pick sides or to villainize people (which is why I covered names and pictures) - everyone has shit going on in their lives. I hope the people I talked about recognize themselves and straighten their act and leave the petty power games (who died and made you kings and queens?) where they belong, in high-school and middle grade.

And, above all else, I hope you stop making a generally fun and supportive fandom toxic by treating it like a business or your little cult.

So buckle up, this is going to be a long story.

I've been in the RQ server for almost two years, give or take and I've been active there as a member, especially in the theory and the fanfiction channels.

The first thing you notice when you join the later is this peer pressure around a certain writer and their fics that are treated like the holy gospel and it all got to the point that these fics are some sort of "mandatory" reading - not in the sense that you are kicked out if you don't read them, but you are certainly pushed aside if you don't praise them or their writer. It is obvious in the different treatment of writers - those who are in the "inner circle" of the mods get a ton of attention and spotlight, whereas others are not even talked about.

Now that the context for this (first) issue is established, on to how it impacted me.

I liked the writing of this fanfic writer and tried to ignore all this pressure surrounding their works. Then I didn't like one of their fics and, because we were somewhat close, I told them that I won't finish reading it because I felt uncomfortable and it was not my kind of story. And I was not the only one because along with another friend we came with the idea of writing an AU of this AU because we came up with a plot to make our favorite couple get their shit together (an idea that we abandoned because we felt that the writer didn't like it and we realised it was not our place to overstep their creative domain, no hard feelings or resentment on our part)

I made it known from the start that I am mostly interested in one ship or certain characters (as my works will show) and based on this preference, a joke was born that I "hated" any other ship with the two characters. It was just that, a joke. I have read and enjoyed other ships and I never pressured anyone to write a certain way their stories (if anyone ever talked to me and felt that way, it was completely unintentional and I apologise, it was just for joke value if anything - I am putting this disclaimer here because one of the mods allegedly received DMs from people accusing me of that).

I would like to point out here that there were actual people who pushed their preferences and thoughts on others, like the writer I mentioned at the beginning. Some of my friends told me they DMed them to pressure them to like a certain character and being generally uncomfortable to talk to. I have examples but because these are the stories of other people, I won't give ss of them.

This brings me to the first crack. Someone apparently didn't know about this joke being just a "haha funny" thing to say and, while I was not online (they also knew I was not awake and not part of the conversation - which was about Garrick/Mira and someone made the joke "haha, Alex will kill me for shipping this") they made this comment:

It's not a ss of the entire conversation, because it was followed by other comments from the same person that felt awful to wake up to and felt like a huge blow to my image and reputation.

I won't be sharing bits from my conversation with this person (whom I DMed to discuss this and the whole issue was not really solved but we agreed to leave it at that), but I will share the following messages from other people who noticed the same stuff:

And I did bring it up to the mods. I reached out to two of the mods I felt comfortable sharing this with and they tried their best to discuss this with the others, but in the end, because this person was close to the mod team, nothing really happened, they weren't even warned for the whole incident and the announcement they posted afterwards felt directed to ME rather than the person who made these comments (although the people I reached out to pointed that out before it was posted, it was disregarded completely).

There was faked concern from some mods and gaslighting and I debated leaving the server back then, but I had friends in the server and I was on the Wiki team (this will be important later on), so I just stayed in one corner and avoided them for the most part.

Until I couldn't.

I was already hearing the stories of others about their own bad experiences in the server, dealing with the same people and the same toxicity, gaslighting and manipulation. Some were kicked out for speaking their mind and others chose to just quietly leave or avoid the server because of the same issues. At some point we even had a mod reach out to some of us to tell us not to talk to someone they kicked off the team (acting as if that person committed some unbelievable betrayal or something, when in fact they only happened to not agree with this behaviour and had different opinion - how could they?)

Anyway, I got a taste of what you get for having different opinions myself. (It all sounds like a stupid highschool drama, but I swear I am not making anything up)

Some of you might remember I was one of the organisers of the fic exchanges hosted by the RQ and we have crazy stories from that time too. There was this idea of making a round robins fic in the server and I didn't like the idea - firstly because it didn't feel like an idea brought to be discussed as a team but rather as an "I decided we should do it" and I was stupid enough to speak my mind. I do have the ss to that conversation as well, but it's a separate issue and this is already getting long (anyone who wants to see them, feel free to ask) - the point is that me saying no (mind you, it was just my personal stand, not me taking a final decision) led to another mod starting to talk left and right about how "bone deep sad" she feels just thinking about the idea and unbelievable victimisation all around.

After that, some of my friends left the server because they had their own problems with different members of the server and irl and I remained mostly for my Wiki work - which proved to be a wrong choice because I felt unwelcome, targeted in certain comments made in public threads and at some point I got a server warning for pointing out to someone that making petitions for writers to finish their fics is awful because it puts too much pressure and stress on the writer (who happened to be my friend who left the server by that point).

And now, the final straw. These two friends who'd left the servers had been on the Wiki mod team and they didn't announce that they were leaving for their own peace and quiet. I didn't announce their absence either because 1) their privacy is important to me 2) the wiki team is not active at all and 3) I felt the entire server as a hostile environment (and if the issue was with those in leadership, why bother open a ModMail?)

I will attach the conversation so you can see for yourself what went on (there are a lot of pics, so bear with me, this is the IMPORTANT BIT):

And before people come at me with their own accusations, I own up to everything I said and I can bring MANY more examples of just how things are behind the scenes of the RQ. And I do admit that my last last two messages in the server were "That's big of you considering you are never active on the server" and a Fuck you emoji with Imogen.

I loved working on the Wiki because I genuinely love the series and I would have come up with these workarounds for anyone on the wiki team. And I especially enjoyed talking to the fan artists, you guys are amazing and I am sorry you are not given the attention you deserve in the server.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all this. And if I am not a persona non-grata, please don't be stranger, I am still very much active here, on Discord and on Ao3, this doesn't impact any of those things <3

[whimsicalcrying]

The Shades of You & Me

Pairing: Bakugou Katsuki x Midoriya Izuku

Summary: Pro hero Dynamight, Bakugou Katsuki joins Izuku and class 2-A on their winter training camp in the snowy mountains. Chaos ensues.

w/c: 3.1k

a/n: This was posted on my Ao3 but i wanted it here as well! I honestly really love this fic, so please let me know if youd like more of this.

As always, feedback is always helpful and appreciated!

Ao3

M.List ch.1 ch.2 ch.3

!Warnings!: Mild angst, mentions of death, mentions of war, aftereffects of war.

*｡❅*⋆⍋✧ ✦ ✧⍋⋆*❅｡*

Bakugou Katsuki has always had complicated feelings regarding the color green.

It was everywhere. From plants and trees to the vegetables Mitsuki threw in his dinner each night. At first, it was a calming, familiar color. Then, he met the living embodiment of green. 

Izuku Midoriya. 

Not only was he the familiar green, but he was also different shades Katsuki had never seen before. Green became simultaneously comforting, alarming, and so confusing.

Of course, being five and not knowing how to control your emotions didn't help the growing situation. 

Then Izuku kept coming back the more Katsuki pushed. The feelings piled up as each day passed. Each time Izuku acted so effortlessly brave, Katsuki fell deeper into his bubble of resentment and inferiority. 

It's like the world mocked him in their shades of green. 

His middle school self would mock him now. Mock him for finding comfort in those shades, comfort in the one thing he hated the most. Comfort in Izuku Midoriya.

Trauma has a funny way of staying inside a person. Katsuki can speak first-hand on the fact that dying fucking sucks.

Okay, maybe he's not handling all of that in the best ways, overworking himself, overcompensating for anything that has to deal with Izuku. 

But it's not the reason he agreed to be roommates with him, and it's definitely not the reason he is stomping his way to U.A. still in his hero uniform with Izuku's forgotten lunch in his grip. 

The confusing factor of the color green hasn't faded. Katsuki doubts it ever will. 

As much as he hates seeing Izuku be a teacher and not the hero he is supposed to be, Katsuki can admit he has a certain charm in how he goes about teaching those brats. He took being quirk less again far more differently than Katsuki had expected.

He had accepted it almost too quickly, too ready to move on like he wasn't one of the greatest heroes in the world. Like he didn't save Japan.

Katsuki clicks his tongue as he stops at the gate, digging in his pocket for his I.D. card. He flashes it with a bored expression, hardly waiting for the gates to fully open before stomping his way through.

It's second nature, his body moving to the 2-A classroom where Izuku is teaching a lecture to a bunch of second-year brats.

Sliding the door open roughly, he watches the man jump before he snaps his head to the door. The green in his eyes is dark until Izuku sees just who is interrupting, then lightens instantly at the sight of Katsuki. It makes his chest tighten in unexplainable ways.

"Kacchan!" Izuku smiles, setting down the papers he holds in his scarred hands.

The brats look up from their assignments, their greedy little eyes looking for anything to note between the two men. They were growing used to the Pro Hero Dynamight storming in on random occasions, always involving the two fussing over each other in different ways.

"You forgot your lunch again, dumbass." Katsuki growls, roughly pushing the lunch into Izuku's hands as Izuku smiles sheepishly. 

“Oh, thank you Kacchan! I didn’t even realize I'd forgotten it.”

“Course you didn’t, nerd.” Katsuki retorts, making sure to do their same old song and dance.

He hardly means the insults he says about his friends anymore, but old habits die hard. “You need to stop getting up late and rushing out the damn door.” he can't help but nag at the man in front of him.

Because that's what Izuku was now, a grown man. A terribly attractive grown man.

“Maybe sensei would learn his lesson if you stopped always bringing his lunch and interrupting our class time.” One of Izuku's students speaks, making Izuku and Katsuki snap their heads to her desk.

Hayami, one of Izuku’s special brats. His problem child.

“Yeah, well why don't you mind your own business kid.” Katsuki snaps back. Hayami scoffs as if he isn't one of the top twenty heroes. 

Fucking teenagers, Katsuki curses in his mind as she opens her mouth to speak again. Izuku is giving him that look, the reminder that this is his job, his students. Katsuki can do that. He can be calm; he's spent enough time in anger management to know this.

“Adults? I don’t think adults respond to Kacchan .” Hayami scoffs. “And stop flirting with our teacher. This is our learning time.”

Maybe his anger issues aren't getting any better. Katsuki grits his teeth, his hands shaking and sizzling, wanting to be released into a pop. “I’m not fucking flirting!” He snaps right as the bell rings.  

“Alright, that's the lunch bell!” Izuku smiles, holding his arm out to keep Katsuki from stomping over and blowing the girl's desk up. There's soft snickers amongst the students as they quickly scramble out for lunch. Izuku waves to them as they file out, reminding them of their next subject after lunch.

Once the door shuts, he turns back to Katsuki with a knowing look. But he doesn't know. Izuku has no idea the stress he constantly has him under. You should be a hero, not a teacher, Katsuki wants to say to him.

But Izuku can't help the cards that were dealt to him after the war. 

Katsuki swallows the words, instead saying. “I’ll be home late. Shitty hair and I have another meeting about the building.” Half-truth. In reality, that little meeting will take less than an hour, but he's picked up a double shift and will be patrolling til five in the morning.

Izuku's green eyes dim just a bit, and Katsuki wants to blow himself up. “I’ll take my break during dinner time.” 

Izuku nods, turning to jog down some papers he will most likely be up grading all night. “Right! I’ll make that curry, the one your mom gave the recipe for.” He says, now smiling to himself.

Small things like that seem to get the man to smile again. Katsuki doesn't get it, but if it takes anything off what Izuku is holding in, he'd do it. 

“Oh, before you go-” he starts right as Katsuki turns to leave. Izuku holds out an All Might themed umbrella. “It's going to rain a bit later, and Mr. Aizawa wants to speak with you.” 

“The old man? What does he want?” Katsuki questioned, taking the ugly umbrella without much fuss, knowing the little argument it would cause if he refused it. Plus, he hated the rain. 

Izuku shrugs, smoothing out his suit jacket before leaning on one of the desks. “Not sure, but i'd go see him now before you leave.” He grins. 

Lying bastard, he definitely knows something, Katsuki huffs in his thoughts before nodding and making his way out the door. 

It's been a long time since he's been asked to go to his former teacher for something. He almost feels like he's about to get into some sort of trouble, like he did back when he was a student.

Trouble seemed to follow their class, even after the war. Maybe they craved it, not knowing how to just be normal high school kids after everything that happened.

The teacher's office wasn't very far. Katsuki knocked before sliding the door open, looking at most of the teachers there eating at their desk. Katsuki wonders if Izuku eats his lunch with his coworkers or not but wouldn't even ask. He finds Aizawa quickly, walking over. 

“Deku said you wanted to see me.” He states without a greeting.

Aizawa doesn't seem to care, just turning his chair to give him that same deadpan look he's carried throughout the years. He's holding paper in his hands, something that looks like a list.

“Bakugou, I didn't expect you to be here so early or in person.” Aizawa says as if noting something down in his mind. Katsuki keeps his frown, shaking his head.

He didn't really want to answer why he was here, even if it was purely innocent. Can’t a guy just bring his roommate his forgotten lunch?

“Deku left his lunch at home like a dumbass. I just came by on my way to work to drop it off.” He huffs, not bothering to hide the answer.

Aizawa hums, looking down at the list in his hands before setting it on his desk. 

“Class 2-A is holding a special winter training camp during the new year. It's not a mandatory thing; the students can choose if they'd like to come or not. This trip is up in the mountains. Kamikochi to be exact. We want to take the time to let the students train in different climates and terrain.” Aizawa says, leaning back in his chair.

“Midoriya and Nezu came up with it. They've asked a couple of heroes to come along whose quirks are affected by colder weather. Midoriya insisted we put your name on the list of who to ask.” 

Izuku wanted him there. Katsuki nods, listening to Aizawa as he explains further details, but none of it is fully registering. A training camp in the mountains, far from home.

He suddenly feels hot, sees flames of a blue fire and the feeling of a disgusting mist clinging to his body. 

And Izuku's panicked screams.

“I understand if you're too busy to help out or if this is something you don't want to do.” Aizawa says as if reading Katsuki’s mind. “Think about it and give me a call. UA is taking the safety of those students very carefully. We’ve learned our lessons.” 

“Right. I’ll think about it.” Katsuki rasps before making his move to leave. He needs some air. 

*｡❅*⋆⍋✧ ✦ ✧⍋⋆*❅｡*

“A training camp in Kamikochi? Sounds fun!” Kirishima grins as they walk to their little food stall at the end of a long tiring patrol.

Now it's time for another meeting, a small break for Katsuki then another shift before he can go home and get some actual sleep.

With the way his thoughts are right now, Katsuki is certain even that won't come to him. He side eyes Kirishima, who's still wearing his Red Riot uniform, winter addition.

The air is dry and cold, too cold for Katsuki’s liking, but he knows it's only going to grow worse as December continues on. 

“Fun? Of course, you’d think it would be fun to deal with a bunch of brats in a snowy mountain.” Katsuki shakes his head, approaching the food stand with his classic sneer. They order their food, moving to sit at one of the few tables outside the stand. 

They bring the steaming food out, and Kirishima stuffs his face with noodles while answering. “Well, you don't like kids, but they're Midoriya's students! Plus, you and I go hiking all the time, you're perfect for the job, bro”

“Yeah, but that means I won't get the holiday shifts. The holiday bonus. ” Katsuki sighs, rubbing his gloved hands over his face before picking his chopsticks up to start eating.

If he doesn't now, he won't get a chance until around four am after work. Fighting on an empty stomach is the worst thing a hero could do.

Kirishima leans back, sipping some water as he watches Katsuki. It's a common thing he's learned, Kirishima’s way of analyzing how he thinks about a situation. “Do you know who else has been asked?”

“Some international hero from Canada, though they haven't got an answer yet. So, it’d be me and Izuku, maybe Aizawa.

“Like the good old days huh?” Kirishima muses before his grin turns down, remembering their first-year training camp. Even years after, that one school year looms in the back of everyone's mind.

Katsuki thought he'd be more thankful for the peace the end of the war would bring. He thought being less of a target would feel better. It just made things a thousand times worse.

More often than not, he felt like he was going insane being on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. His hand moves to where he was shot through. 

He hadn't been that scared of death the day he died. Now it's the biggest possibility in his mind. Even when walking through the streets, interacting with annoying fans, going home to find Izuku in a mess of graded papers. 

“I get it, if you don't want to go.” Kirishima finally speaks again, more of a sheepish look on his scarred face. “Don't force yourself to do more than you already are. Midoriya is just happy you're alive man. Don't forget that. We all are.” 

Running a hand through his hair, Katsuki shakes his head before peeling his mask off to make it easier to eat. “No, no I won't stop until he's where he belongs. How am I supposed to beat him if he isn't even in the race? Why would I help him be a teacher to a bunch of snot nosed brats?”

Kirishima pauses, unsure how to answer that fully. 

Katsuki's phone buzzes in his pocket. He takes it out, answering the call and putting it on speaker. Kirishima and him have been working with an agent and a lawyer to set up parts of their agency. Right now, it's a meeting about the building they've had their eye on for days. 

Soon Katsuki won't be needing to pull extra shifts. Soon he'd get his rival back in the world he belongs in, even if being a teacher suits the nerd more than Katsuki would like to admit.

Kirishima taps the mute button, trying to get Katsuki to look him in the eyes. “If he goes for those three to four days, who are you going to meet with during the nightmares?”

Stupid shit for brains bringing that bullshit up. Katsuki holds back the anger bubbling in his throat, counting down as he remembers the drunken rambles he made with the self-proclaimed Baku squad that somehow passed through high school still the same.

It wasn't even a habit he wanted, something that just happened due to living in the same apartment as Izuku. Each night, he'd wake up at four or five and just sit on the couch side by side to get an hour of pure dead sleep.

It was much better than being alone, feeling sixteen again. 

“So, for the agency ground zero…” The businessman speaks on the phone in a monotone draw as Katsuki comes to a realization that pisses him off even more.

He needs to go, or who else will tell Izuku what year it is? Who's going to tell Katsuki he's alive? How will they sleep that last hour if not near each other?

Katsuki wants to bash his head into the table they're eating at. Another long meeting on a cold long night and the familiar dread of a job he doesn't particularly want to do. 

*｡❅*⋆⍋✧ ✦ ✧⍋⋆*❅｡*

Katsuki shoves the house key into the door at three-forty in the morning, cursing to himself as his gauntlets bang around, causing noise to echo throughout the hall. Getting inside he does his best not to slam the door on instinct. 

Slipping the gauntlets off and his work boots, he notices a small bit of light from the couch, Izuku's work light that he uses to grade papers while sitting on the couch.

Katsuki uses it for paperwork as well but will never admit to the ugly thing on the side table being useful. It was another pointless argument Izuku won, another loss on Katsuki's mental score board.

Of course, the man is slumped over on the couch, three mugs of coffee on the coffee table and a mess of papers, muttering up a storm to himself. If Izuku taught like a normal person, he'd be done by nine. If he taught like an expert teacher, he'd be done at twelve.

But no, Izuku taught in his own hyper focused way, making sure each of his students got an equal amount of unnecessary attention. Katsuki almost felt bad for the brats, knowing how detailed Izuku's eye is. They wouldn't get past a single cheat or half assed answer. 

His head turns as Katsuki walks through to the kitchen, in need of something to drink and to warm himself up. 

“Oh Kacchan, you're home!” Izuku smiles, getting up, jogging some papers down. “Let me make your tea. Go have a shower.” 

“Thanks,” Katsuki grunts, letting Izuku do what he wants. “Did you eat?” 

“Mhm, I ate some of our leftover curry from dinner. Do you want me to heat up what's left?

“Sure.”

Katsuki isn't hungry, but he knows Izuku probably only ate one bite of the leftovers before getting lost in working and forgetting about it. The smell will make him want to eat, which is what Katsuki wants. 

He takes a quick shower, letting the hot water warm his body up. Getting out, he's met with food on the coffee table, Izuku sitting on the left side, watching a rerun of the news from this morning.

They sit, listening as they eat. Sometimes it feels like they've known each other too long. There's nothing to learn or talk about in quiet moments like this.

Well…most of the time.

Taking a couple bites of the curry, making sure Izuku does too, Katsuki finally says something to break the endless blabbing of the news anchors.

“I’ll go to the stupid training camp.” He says, huffing about it like it’s the worst thing in the world. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Izuku barely hide his smile as he takes a few more bites of his own curry.

“Thank you Kacchan. It means a lot to me that you're going.” 

“Yeah well, don't thank me yet. I'm not a damn teacher, so I don't know what your brats are gonna learn from me.” 

Izuku pats his arm, making Katsuki look over at the tiny grin plastered on his freckled face.

“I've learned a lot from you, I'm sure they will too. My students are truly bright, I think you're gonna like them after spending some time with them.” 

Katsuki rolls his eyes and scoffs. “Yeah right. Eat your fucking leftovers and go to bed Deku.” 

Both men do finish the leftovers, though they don't make it to their own rooms. They knew it would happen, their routine staying the same.

Both men slumped over, their hands barely touching being the last thing Katsuki remembers. A few hours later, Katsuki feels a blanket thrown over him before Izuku leaves for work once more at seven.

*｡❅*⋆⍋✧ ✦ ✧⍋⋆*❅｡*

[joseiromantica]

Tears of a Withered Flower - manhwa review!

Na Hae-soo's life unravels when her husband betrays her with an affair, leaving her burdened with debt and losing their child. In a devastating blow, she witnesses him with a younger woman. Broken and despondent, Na Hae-soo feels her life crumbling around her. However, a mysterious young man unexpectedly enters her life, asking to be taught about adult love. His vulnerability and sincerity begin to stir emotions within Na Hae-soo, challenging her to reconsider her path forward.

tags: josei, drama, younger man, older woman, divorce

status: ongoing

this manhwa is beautiful, well written, and excellently placed. im personally not a huge fan of older FL younger ML and i rarely keep up with ongoing updates, but TOAWF has me hooked! there's mystery, suspense, romance, shitty relationships, and abusive parents, pretty much everything I look for in a toxic manhwa. not to say their blooming relationship is toxic, while he IS hiding that he's a rich boy and possibly a gangster (still unknown at this time) he treats her likes she's an angel. i think? it's complicated.

we start off meeting Hae-soo at 30ish as she contemplates her failing relationship. she's concerned he's cheating (he is) with a much younger woman. she sees youth around her and wonders when she became so tired and worn out. she has been working multiple jobs non stop ever since she became an adult, as her husband, Mincheol, took out a loan under her name without telling her. though they split up due to the debt, they still live together and are in a relationship. she now is disillusioned with life, barely hanging on, and not sure which direction to go.

then, we meet our ML, 21 year old Beom Tae-Ha. Hae-Soo finds out that he has been coming to her flower shop job daily while she's working to buy roses, but she hasn't noticed until now.

Tae-Ha is a bit of a mystery still. we know that he is hiding that he's rich from Hae-Soo, has subordinates, and has a very particular family that is prone to violence and the occasional murder. he's definitely the obsessive type, and follows Hae-Soo around like a lovesick puppy despite knowing she's with Mincheol. he has manipulative tendencies but never seems to lie or use them on Hae-Soo directly, but definitely does indirectly... overall, he's complicated, dark, and secretive. and very, very attractive.

Mincheol Kang is... complicated. he is Hae-Soo's high school sweetheart, first love, and savior. while in the present he is cold and detached, resentful of Hae-Soo, they used to be a very sweet couple. he still clearly cares for her somewhere deep down in his fucked up heart, but the pain he is putting her through is NOT worth anything he could give her. especially since he is actively cheating on her with a younger woman. ugh.

the best way to sum up their relationship is exactly how the manhwa put it in chapter 30:

"Our youth was always full of bruises, just turning blue. Even in the muddy struggles of misfortune, you were there. Tonight, I'd gladly burn away in this blue youth. And... The place we've burned and left behind."

god. what beautiful writing. what an absolute asshole of a guy.

overall, worth a read if you enjoy relationship drama, obsessive men, and a sad FL who is finally being treated kindly after a horrible relationship. so right up my alley! and i cannot state enough how fantastic and visual the writing is. whoever did the translations on templescans, props to you!!!

this review was written at the release of ch 35.

rating:

romance 8/10

plot 10/10

overall 9/10

[miss0atae]

Random Thoughts about High School Frenemy (EP 5 - 6):

I'm so obsessed with this show right now. I know I could get all my answers by watching the OG version, but I don't care about the OG version. I care more about this version of the characters.

Usually, I get annoyed when a situation gets drag on for too long. I feel like it makes no sense to spend too many episodes on a conflict between two characters. However, here, I'm fascinated by the love-hate relationship between Shin and Saint, especially as it is quite obvious for us viewers that the hate part isn't that big. Shin always declares that he hates Saint and he would never forgive him. Yet, there is a longing in his eyes where you can see how much he would like to start again. I'm impressed by how Saint never let any rebuff stopping him from saying how much he misses Shin and how much he loves him or how much he wants to be his friend again. The bromance is high here (so BL-coded and so sad it's not a BL too).

Unfortunately, what Saint did, certainly changed the course of Shin's life and he can't let go of the grudge. Obviously, what happened (even if we haven't seen it yet) must have been terrible to destroy their tight bond. However, many characters have already said to Shin that holding this hatred of the past will never give him peace. It will keep him bitter and sad. Forgiving Saint wouldn't mean that he would forget what happened. Forgetting is not and never was a required outcome of forgiveness. They will probably never return to what was their relationship before the "incident", but Shin should be able to rebuild trust and safety.

I feel like Shin's life is stuck or frozen in time from this "incident" time. Since then, he hasn't really been able to grow. He made new friends in his school and he still defends the same values, but he hasn't been able to heal from his "incident". He also has to suffer from the reputation of the Tsunami, a name he took for himself, despite not being his, at first. Jeng, because of everything that is associated with this nickname and what Shin did to save Chatjen, put his resentment and sadness over the death of his brother on Shin (even though he is not responsible and Jeng should have been a better brother). Jeng isn't a normal person, he is part of a violent gang. This violence can get to Shin in various forms and it must not help him have a positive view on his life. It just reinforces the idea that nothing will ever be good since Saint has been responsible for his legs' injuries and changed his life.

Now, most people know about the supposedly murder he did. Even if some are defending Shin such as Chatjen or Saint, no one really listen to them or believe in the truth. The school board, apart from Sung and Jan, are set on expelling Shin to make an example. However, we've seen from the beginning that they are so unprofessional and incapable of finding a real solution to the violence between Udon Phithak and Thep Burapha. I wasn't expecting them to actually think properly, this time either. This new threat in Shin's life will not help him be able to heal from the past. It will just convince him that things are ineluctable because he can't change anything and everything has been terrible since Saint's actions towards him. I hope the teachers and his friends will help him.

I didn't expect Sung to have a deeper role and to be partly behind the main conflict that still opposes Udon Phithak and Thep Burapha. You see how much he wants to correct his "mistakes" (sorry I couldn't find a better way of saying it) and that's probably why he became a teacher. However, this past guilt is still present in his life. He may be the metaphor of the idea that there’s No Such Thing as “Forgive and Forget”, but to heal you must forgive yourself to be able to live and do better. Memory plays a key role in supporting and managing relationships or your actions.

Two other characters made a great impression on me in these episodes. Of course we have Chatjen who has always been a positive force in this story. He is really trying his best for Shin and he is a very good friend to him. He is also supporting Saint so he can mend his relationship with Shin. Let's not forget that this character is as remarkable as he is because he is being played by Mark Pakin. The second character, I really like is Ken. I know he is supposed to be a bad guy, but I feel so much pity for him. I feel like he is the victim of his environment. You can see how much he hates following Jeng's orders. He also fears him and he doesn't know how to escape the hold Jeng has on him. I really hope he will get his redemption and that he'll find a way of escape.

I could say so much more about this series, but it'll be too long. I already can't wait to see the next episodes.

[ask-postcrash-curly]

look man, i don't even think you're a bad person but you don't have a very reliable track record, you know? your whole crew did almost die, on your watch. it's true you didn't mean to but what's going to happen if kind words needs you? if kestrel needs you? are you going to passively sit by and watch them get hurt? are you going to drive the two of them apart? i know you've been through a lot, and you didn't mean the harm you caused, but kind words has been through a lot, you've been a lot. you shouldn't be rushing into living with someone you barely even know. it's one thing to want to be your mother but she's KIND words. post surgery, is she going to stay up changing your bandages, washing your face, without tiring herself to death? are you sure no resentment will build from kestrel? hell, he beats himself up enough that she was so distraught over you. how long before he realizes you've taken his place as the one she dotes and fusses over because he was the one to push her away?

her sadness about kestrel was him not being available (totally understandable), but isn't that what you've done to your crew? you weren't emotionally there for anya, you didn't see the warning signs in jimmy, swansea spiraled back into alcoholism, daisuke, a kid kestrel's age, almost died trying to "save" you. how many people are you going to put in danger because you can't take responsibility for your own healing?

kind words said we voices are why jimmy died. i don't agree. i don't think it's your fault he died either, not fault, but it was your responsibility. i don't want you to rush into someone else's life before you've changed. before you've grown, before you've healed from this trauma. i mean, how could you live with yourself if kind words got hurt?

If you say so. ...Yep, well aware. Where are we going with this? ...Ah.

Look, if I'm being real, there's not much I can do at the moment but sit around. Lie around. Whatever. I'll do anything I can for them. More when that's possible. But for now words are all I can offer. Drive them apart, why would I—? No. I wouldn't ever want to do that. I'm— I don't want to say intruding because she'll be pissed. I'm the newcomer, let's say, and I have no intention of putting any wedges into what's already established. Ever.

I know I've been a lot. But she has made it very clear that it's her choice to deal with that. ...Not rushing into anything, either. It'll be quite some time before I'm living in anyone's home. Would like to think I know her better by now... I know, I know it hasn't been long, but— being inside one another's minds... well.

I'd like to think that eventually I'll be able to do that myself. And that eventually I won't need bandages anymore. I'd... I'd hope she knows her own limits. ...That's not what he's beating himself up for. And he's been more welcoming to me than I anticipated. If that turns to resentment, I'm honestly more worried it'll be toward himself... And if it is towards me that's his right. But it won't happen, because she won't stop caring about him. Obviously.

...I'm with you on the first two points but I really don't know what you wanted me to do about Daisuke or Swansea considering that was after the crash. Couldn't exactly move or talk to stop them. And what do you mean save me? Anya was the one in danger there. Look, I don't know what you want me to say. Take responsibility for my own healing— how? See earlier point on not being able to move. Makes it rather hard to take care of myself, yeah? When I can handle things on my own I will, but I can't. And I don't want to force the burden of handling it for me on her, but she's been pretty damn adamant that she wants to take it.

I don't either. ...I know it was. I know. I don't know why you insist I'm rushing into her life though. It's been months and it'll probably be months more before we could ever meet face to face.

And for the record I'd like to think I have changed.

...I don't think... I can heal from this on my own.

...

Couldn't.