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ghostyuri · 19 days ago

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gold. treasure. heavenly. out of this world. never leaving my mind. i love when you can tell an author puts their blood sweat and tears into their work like i had to give a 10 minute long standing ovation in my bedroom how can i kudos this a trillion times over

in the base of my pine, wilderness, vast abyss (1/2)

synopsis: shauna sighs, looking down into her glass. “she deserves good things. easy things. and i know i’m not always good at giving her that. but i try,” then softer. “and i’d die before i let anything touch her.”

pairings: (established relationship)shauna shipman x reader, ellie williams x reader

genre: angst. tlou x yellowjackets crossover. tlou au. some fluff.

warnings: smut, cheating (emotionally and physically), major character death, so much angst.

A/N: FINALLY after having worked on this for the past month and a half i am ready to post it. i would say it isn’t that depressing but that would be a lie…. heads up tho! there is a hopeful ending to this story. gonna try and get the second part out within the next few days!! please do share your thoughts i’d love to hear them. also not grammar checked and i’m pretty sure i misspelled a word in there but was too lazy to correct it.

read the second part here

chapter wc: 10.3k

please do not repost my work anywhere for any reason at all. if you do see this happen to any of my stories, please let me know. thank you x.

four months ago.

the night had been going well.

it was yours and shauna’s turn to host dinner for your friends that week. your place was small but always warm, lit with candles, and loud with laughter. there was chaos. the good kind and it was the kind of night that made the world outside feel far away. maybe even safe.

jesse and dina had left just a few minutes ago. jesse muttered something about patrol in the morning and needing to get rest. he shot ellie a look on his way out. half teasing, half serious. “you should probably head out too.”

ellie waved him off with a lazy shrug, already halfway through her third beer, no plans of going anywhere. not yet.

and shortly after they left, you also decided you’d head to bed. you leaned towards shauna before getting up from the table, whispering something and kissing below her ear. ellie looked away slightly, lifting her beer up to her lips to try and play off the sudden uneasy feeling in her stomach.

you bid ellie goodnight with a lazy grin. “i’ll see you later, els.” then you wobbled down the hall, closing the bedroom door softly.

shauna mindlessly reached for the wine bottle on the table, and topped off her glass. not seeming to mind that it was just her and ellie left now.

“how is that girl of yours, by the way?” shauna asks, casually taking a sip from her glass.

ellie’s lips purse. she knows she means kat.

“we uh– we actually decided it was best we stayed friends.” ellie winces at the admittance, taking a hard swig of her beer.

“oh,” shauna hums. “sorry to hear that,” she says it too smooth to be surprised, too smooth to come off as insincere.

it’s silent again. the awkward, stale kind.

“do you hate me, ellie?” shauna then asks, “i have a feeling you do.”

ellie’s head shoots up. blinking rapidly. “i dont– why would you think that?” shauna rolls her eyes slightly. she sits back in her seat, swirling the glass in her hand around.

she doesnt say anything, just stares at her, more amused than upset, like she’s waiting for ellie to answer her own question for her.

it made ellie feel stupid. exposed. as if she’d been wearing her heart on her sleeve this whole time and everyone could see it.

“you hate me,” ellie mutters, voice low. she leans forward, elbows on the table, and lets her head fall into her hands.

shauna’s eyebrows raise in surprise. “that’s not true.” she tilts her head, studying ellie. “i think you’re many things, ellie. but i dont hate you. not even a little.”

ellie scoffs, eyebrows furrowing. “what do you mean, i’m many things.”

“well, you’re stubborn– sometimes it’s good. you’re broody but not the kind where everyone thinks you’re mad just thinking too hard, and kinda arrogant. you think i don’t know you but–

“–but what?”

“i know you love her.” shauna says. not unkindly, or with any venom behind it. just another thing she says. like she’s talking about the weather. “and you think i’m in the way.”

ellie blinks her surprise, and swallows down her nerves.

shauna smiles at ellie softly, almost like she feels bad for putting her on the spot like this. “i used to think it was cute. how weird you’d get around her. awkward and stuff. like she made every inconvenience worth it.”

ellie’s face softens, she glances down at the table, then whispers, “she kinda does.”

shauna smiles, but it doesnt reach her eyes.

“when we were kids in the denver qz,” she said, her voice drifting like a memory, “she had this shitty map taped to the wall. she’d put dots on it. one for her, one for me. places we’d visit once we made it out. she said when we started working for fedra, she’d save every ration card she got, and one day, we’d leave together. i never had the heart to tell her we didn’t need ration cards to leave. that they were just an in-house currency. she did find out eventually.”

shauna’s expression softened, like she was remembering it all. the first kiss she gave you on the roof of your apartment building, underneath a sky that didnt seem like it was shared with a world so terrifying.

she remembers her family, your family. your friends. lottie, jackie, nat, tai and van. the dogtags under her shirt that belonged to her mom. the knife she carries around all the time– the one she used when she had to push it through jackie’s chest.

“anyway, i never asked her to do that. that future…she dreamed it on her own. one where i was always there. we didn’t even know what love meant back then. but i knew it meant something if she kept choosing me every time.”

ellie listened, gut tight.

“we got out eventually,” shauna said. “but it wasn’t some beautiful escape. we were only seventeen when we were pushed into the fight. even if we’d trained since kids it was a nightmare. riots. war. we lost everyone. friends. family. the rest we lost on the road. it was hell.”

she met ellie’s eyes, and there was something hollow and strong in her voice. “but through it all, she stayed. do you know how hard it is to live up to that? to carry someone like her through all that loss, and still be what she needs at the end of it?”

ellie shook her head. she swallows hard. the thing ellie couldnt even name herself was now being used against her.

she doesnt say anything and shauna almost feels bad telling her all of this. whatever ellie thinks she has against shauna, she doesnt. but she kept going.

shauna sighs, looking down into her glass. “she deserves good things. easy things. and i know i’m not always good at giving her that. but i try,” then softer. “and i’d die before i let anything touch her.”

“why are you telling me this?”

shauna looks at ellie, really looks at her. as if she’s making sure every word she says next, ellie will understand. “because if you love her the way i know you do, then you’ll understand why i have to protect her from everything. even from the people who love her.”

it’s silent for a long moment again before shauna rises from the table, picking up the bottle of wine with her. before making her way towards the kitchen she glances at ellie once again.

ellie still has her head down, not bothering to meet shauna’s gaze. either way, shauna knows she’s listening.

“i’m not the enemy here, ellie,” she says. “i never was.” then she’s heading towards the kitchen before ellie could get a word in.

minutes later when shauna returns to the table, the seat ellie occupied is found empty. and the front door is left partially open.

present.

you don’t hesitate to check on ellie when she returns from patrol. tommy had urgently radioed in, requesting a direct path to the infirmary upon arrival. it wasn’t long before you realized that both him and jesse were on their way, hauling in a injured ellie.

“what the hell happened?” you ask the two men easing ellie onto a cot. “nothing to worry about,” ellie grunts. “just a skill issue on my part.”

tommy sighs, his hands on his hips. he gives you a look. “she thought she could make a jump from the roof of a building to another.”

“she fell off a roof?” your eyes widen. a worried expression paints your face.

ellie scoffs, “no, i definitely made it.” she winces when she shifts on the cot. “just kinda slammed my ankle on impact.”

you kneel beside the cot. “jesus, ellie.”

you glance at her socked ankle. the bandage jesse tried to apply had been soaked with blood at the heel.

“this does not look like a skill issue,” you grimace. she gives you a half smile, trying to hide the obvious pain that throbs through her, but it falls short under your gaze.

when the nurse walks in, you spare her a smile as she unwraps the dressing on ellie’s foot. moments later, when her very purple and swollen ankle comes into view, you give ellie another disappointed glare. “are you kidding?” you roll your eyes. “you realize this puts you off patrols for at least two months.”

she gives you a lazy grin, something that tells you she’d probably find a way back onto patrols with little to no issue. that’s a problem for later, you suppose. “it builds character.”

you scoff, shaking your head. “build some common sense instead.”

and just when ellie is getting ready to fire back with some smart remark, the door swings open.

“where is she?” joel’s voice cuts through the room.

he glances around, his shoulders visibly dropping when he spots ellie lying on a cot.

“damn, girl.” he sighs. “you just about gave me a heart attack.”

he makes his way to her in just a few short strides across the room. “what the hell were you thinking?” he asks, inspecting her purpling foot as the nurse properly wraps it. “joeeel,” ellie groans, drawling out a complaint. “get mad at me later, i can literally feel the throbbing of my ankle up to my skull.”

joel sighs at the injured girl. deciding to spare her the embarrassment for later. he turns to tommy and jesse instead, a hard glare directed at the two men.

“what the hell, tommy?” he reprimands quietly.

tommy raises both his arms in defense. “we told her it was risky, joel.” he glances at ellie, her arms raised over her head, exhaling every three seconds to try and distract herself from the throb in her ankle. “that girl would've done it anyway.”

jesse snickers. “we figured, we stayed on the ground to save her ass from falling than let her try it alone.”

joel’s jaw clenches, fighting back the urge to lecture all three of them. he sighs, glancing at ellie once more. “she gonna be okay?” he asks the nurse.

the nurse, katy, nods. “she’ll have to stay off her foot for a while. we’ll have her stay the night so that we can monitor the swelling and check for any fractures. but, she’s lucky if it’s just a bad sprain.”

ellie lifts her head weakly from the cot. “are you kidding?” she groans. “if i'm lucky, i get to stay in a hospital cot with fluorescent lights flickering all night, great.”

joel shakes his head. “that’s what you get for thinkin’ you’re indestructible.”

“why are you being mean?” ellie pouts. “i'm literally lying here, bleeding out and stuff, y’know?”

“barely,” you snort. she shoots you a look.

the nurse finishes dressing her ankle and leaves quietly after scribbling down a prescription for joel to pick up at the front desk.

tommy steps up beside joel, clapping a hand on his shoulder, “i’ll head off and let maria know to lay ellie off for the next few weeks.”

he glances between you and ellie and gives her one last pointed look. “you stay off that foot, kid. don't make me come back here.”

ellie doesn't argue, she just raises her hand, giving him a thumbs up.

he stops by your side just as he leaves. “keep her out of trouble. you’re the only one she’ll listen to.”

you nod. “i will,” he pats your shoulder once before leaving.

jesse follows right after tommy, throwing a mock salute towards ellie before leaving. joel follows to see them off, muttering something about bringing back some proper food and her meds.

and then it’s quiet, and now it’s just you. alone. with ellie.

she speaks up first, “how stupid do you think i am?”

“incredibly,” you say immediately.

she nods, a small smile painting her face. “that’s fair.”

a beat passes. she keeps her eyes locked on her hands. “how did you even know to be here before i was?” she asks, voice softer now. her fingers fiddle with the string of her hoodie.

you shrug, “lucky guess.”

you don't tell her you tune into the patrol frequency whenever she goes out. that you don't relax until her name finally shows up at a check-in. that when you heard tommy say he needed a clear path to the infirmary, your heart dropped.

ellie nods at your answer but doesn’t press on. even if a small part of her maybe knows it’s not the entire truth.

it’s quiet.

“does shauna know you’re here?” she finally asks.

her eyes don't meet yours when she asks the question. like, she’s afraid of what your answer could be. like, she knows that shauna doesn’t like anything when ellie is involved.

and the fact that shauna sees something between you both, that thing you and ellie are too afraid to admit even to yourselves. even now, when ellie wishes you’d see it.

screw shauna, ellie thinks, screw the fact that she’s waiting back home, with her claws already sunk in. a reminder of the fact that she has you and ellie doesn’t, in all the ways that would mean everything to her.

and if she’s so threatened by ellie, maybe she should do something about it. maybe she should give shauna something to really feel threatened by.

you cross your arms, not at all eager that your conversation has shifted to the topic of your girlfriend.

“she doesn’t,” you say.

ellie sighs, closing her eyes for a moment. tired.

she pushes the feeling down. she won’t say it. she won't say anything. afraid you’d let her ruin everything for you. afraid you’d let her do something that can’t be undone.

and the awful truth to it all is, ellie is ready for that.

she just nods, and none of you says anything for a long moment. then, joel suddenly pushes through the door softly. immediately sensing the awkwardness in the air. the way you’re standing with folded arms, how ellie refuses to look at you, and instead just stares at the ceiling. he raises his brow but doesn’t comment.

he balances a paper bag of medication in one hand and a bag of food in the other. “got what you needed,” he sets the stuff down gently on a side table next to the cot.

“she’s all cleared for the night,” he starts, looking at you. “she’ll be checked out by the mornin’, you can come by the house then if you’d like.”

joel offers you a small yet comforting smile. you nod, glancing towards ellie, who looks at you for just a second.

“it’s gettin’ late,” joel adds, gently. “you should head on home, kid.”

you hesitate, feeling the heaviness of the conversation you and ellie were having just before joel showed up. you don’t know how to tell her she means more to you than you could ever admit, and without ruining everything else in the way. without everything in between being lit to flames.

you nod once more, fully turning towards ellie. you give her that quiet, wistful smile she only ever gets, “i’ll see you later, els.” and then you’re out the door.

ellie’s eyes stay fixed on where you stood before you left. that ache of knowing your conversation has still left too much unsaid, coming in heavier than before. worse than the pain in her ankle. joel stays in place, shuffling between his feet, deciding whether he should say anything at all.

it doesn't take much observation to see that ellie has been feeling a certain way, especially with a certain girl around.

“uh,” joel starts, fumbling with the paper bag of food. “listen, i know it ain’t any of my business–”

“–joel.”

he pauses, lifting his head to look at the younger girl. “what?”

ellie shakes her head, raising her arm over her eyes to try to dissipate the pain she’s feeling from her injury.

“don’t.”

joel sighs, looking down at the steak sandwich in his hands. “no, ellie, i just– if it means anythin’, i don't think you should talk yourself out of whatever you’re thinkin’.”

ellie doesn't say anything. she just stays silent until joel passes her a steak sandwich. to which she only mutters a small ‘thanks’. she eats her food in a quiet, mechanical manner. each bite of steak tastes more like regret? guilt? maybe both.

she tries to think of every version of the story where she stays quiet, holds it in, and lets you go. a version of this where she watches you love someone else who isn't her, and it doesn't hurt to watch you because at least you're loved, right?

but all she can think of is you.

the way you sat by her today, a flame. teasing, upset, but worried and scared. she felt loved. seen. and the fact that the closest way she could get to you was by laying injured on a uncomfortable cot with an injured ankle.

and ellie realizes she isn't sure she’ll ever be able to exist knowing someone she loves isn't beside her.

she doesn't know how to be.

when you get home, shauna is already there, perched against the kitchen counter, nursing a small drink in her hand.

“you were out later than i thought,” she says, not unkindly or disappointed. just a simple fact being told. she looks up from the glass in her hands, sets it down next to her, and finally meets your gaze.

a small smile grows at the sight of you. something quiet, reserved, a smile that takes you back to when you and shauna were just kids. still untouchable, innocent– for what you could be in a qz, and protected from anything beyond the four walls you grew up in.

a smile that makes her look so innately human, so beautifully tragic, and worn, but still always trying. you smile back, just as she starts taking slow strides towards you.

“ellie came back injured from patrol.” you confess, “thought i’d stop by to check on her after my shift at the school.”

shauna merely hums, biting back the little remark that wants to bubble up her throat.

were you alone with her?

did she say something to you?

she doesn't say any of it, instead, she raises her hands to your cheeks, thumbs brushing over your cheekbones as she plants a kiss on the top of your head. you close your eyes immediately at the feel of her. your hands wrap around her arm that holds you. it’s instinctual, familiar, homely. you stay like that for a moment.

“how is she?” she finally asks.

you offer a tight-lipped smile, you don’t like it when she asks about her. and a part of you knows that shauna doesn't like asking about her either. but you know, even then, why she asks. sometimes knowing isn’t trusting.

“she’ll live.”

shauna’s hands slide down your face and to your waist. her grip stays firm on you, and you feel the subtle squeeze of her fingers just below the hem of your shirt as if she’s trying to convince herself that you’re here, and still hers in every way that matters. her head drops, and a small huff of a laugh escapes her throat.

“she’s always gotta be the hero, doesn't she?”

you don’t say anything. because maybe ellie does always need to be the hero. you let her be. that’s just who ellie is. just as you let shauna play protector. even with that terrifying edge to her. you wouldn’t trade either. you couldn’t.

instead, you grab shauna’s hand that’s still wrapped around you and take her to the bedroom. you kiss her as soon as you reach the edge of the bed. it’s soft at first, until your arms curl around shauna’s neck and her arms immediately find purchase on your hips. then your kisses become firmer, chasing after something.

shauna pulls away just enough to look you in the eyes. her breath hits your lips, her eyes hazy, lips so full, hungry.

she breathes, before whispering. “right now?”

and all you do is nod before she’s crashing her lips into yours. and then everything is on fire. she lays you down just like she always has. kisses you, hungry, claiming, her hands are everywhere. she is everywhere.

you strip for her, and she helps. she doesn't take her time with it either. you both don’t. it’s quick. rushed. as if you could disappear from under her any second. then you help her. your fingers hook through the loops of her jeans and tug them. all until you’re both bare.

it's heavy, hot, wet, the way her lips mold into yours perfectly. familiar.

you let her drink you up, swallow your sighs until she moves from your lips down your jaw, and to your sternum. you let her take, take, take.

and then just as she’s about to move down your body, you stop her.

“wait,” you gasp out.

she looks up immediately, eyes wide, practically panting. “what?”

you don’t answer with words. you reach for her, and with gentle strength, flip your positions. shauna lands on her back, blinking up at you, stunned.

“what are you–?”

but then you bend her knees, part her legs, and slide your body until your cunt is pressed perfectly against hers. the softest breath leaves her lips. her hands grip your thighs.

“fuck,” she breathes, overwhelmed.

you start slow. the glide of you against her, sticky and hot. you rock against her in slow, careful strokes. her head falls back. she moans your name, and your breath stutters.

because this isn’t the way it usually is.

you’re not letting her take control this time. you’re not disappearing under her touch. you're here. you’re present. you're choosing this. her. at least, for now.

your hands lace with hers above her head, holding her down gently.

she gasps when your rhythm deepens, her thighs tightening around you. “baby,” she breathes, like it’s all she can say. like it’s everything.

you don't answer. you just keep going. a little harder now. more insistent.

shauna’s eyes flutter, caught somewhere between pleasure and panic. she pulls you closer, her voice breaking, “please, just– don’t stop.”

you won’t.

it almost feels like you can outrun it. like maybe you can just fuck the truth out of your bloodstream. you run, and run.

and it feels amazing. you keep going, sighs leaving you, as you try your best to get as close as possible. you whimper, moan, and shauna watches, just as blissed out. in awe. like watching you is bringing her closer. it is. it always has.

her hands slip from yours. sliding over your chest to your neck, your thighs, your ass, your waist. desperate to keep you grounded, keep you hers. her mouth falls open, panting, eyes dark and glossy. “god, baby,” she breathes, nearly choking on it, “you’re so–fuck–look at you.”

you meet her gaze, lips parted, skin flushed, holding eye contact like it’s a tether. and it reminds you that this could be enough. it has to be.

shauna’s breath catches a sound half moan, half prayer. her eyes are wide, pupils blown, lips parted. she looks wrecked. beautiful.

“you’re gonna kill me,” she whispers, her voice cracking.

you bite your lip, pace unrelenting. “good,” you murmur.

her thighs tremble around you. you don’t stop. you can’t. it feels too good—she feels too good.

you lean forward and kiss her hard, swallowing her moans as her hips start to meet yours again, both of you chasing and chasing and chasing. you're shaking, thighs clenching, pleasure curling up your spine like fire.

shauna’s voice comes again, softer this time. “come on, i’ve got you. i’ve got you.” her hands cradle your face now, trembling. “you’re okay. i’m right here.”

you press your forehead to hers, and it’s dizzying, the way your bodies lock into place like muscle memory. you keep moving, almost there, riding it out together, until the rush finally hits you.

you cry out, clinging to her as everything breaks apart inside you. she holds you through it, and then she follows, her own body tensing, back arching as she gasps your name against your skin.

when it’s over, you collapse into her, chest heaving, forehead buried in her shoulder. neither of you says anything. her arms wrap around you tightly, holding you like she’s scared to let go. and you let her.

because even now, maybe especially now, it’s the only place you feel like you can rest. it always has been.

the next day, shauna is in lighter spirits. you’re still heavy with sleep when she stirs beside you, placing kisses on your bare shoulder. her voice is low, sleep-ridden, “stay in bed a little longer,” she mutters. and you barely register her side of the bed empty before you’re falling back under.

she brings you breakfast in bed and makes that special omelet you like, the one that’s hard to get right without practice. she kisses your forehead while you sip coffee in your sleepy haze. tells you she just wanted you to start your day well.

it all made your heart twist in that warm, tender way. how she can still get so soft with you, it nearly cracks you in half. when she lets herself love you, loudly.

you love shauna. you really, really do.

and it isn't just grief, or trauma, or history that makes you love her.

it's all the ways she still moves through the world with you in mind. the way she loves you, even in her little unconventional ways. the ways that are messy and human. how she still stays when she’s mad or you’re mad. or you’re sad, and she’s annoyed. how she stays even when it’s hard. but especially because it’s hard.

you spend that morning in a haze. where you pretend everything is okay. it is. you could let it be. and for a while, you do.

humid spring air makes its way to jackson, replacing the cold bite of winter.

ellie had fully recovered within a few weeks. surprisingly not putting up much of a fight when it came to staying off patrol.

you, jesse, and dina visited her as much as you could. it was the least you could do if ellie was being forced to sit on her ass all day. it felt easy with all four of you. just laughter, teasing, the feeling of enjoying the best people you’ve come to know. your heart felt a little heavy being in a room with them sometimes.

it reminded you too much of a life you used to live. something you tried too hard not to miss these days. but you always shook the thought away before it could settle too deep.

sometimes, it was just you in the presence of ellie. quiet moments, uncertain. where it felt obvious ellie was holding something back. sometimes it was you and shauna. but that was only of rare occurrence, you could tell there was something weird between those two by the way they barely exchanged any words.

ellie barely looked at you with her around. shauna acted too casual, her voice a little too even. it unsettled you.

you didn’t dare call it out. you couldn’t. there was a part you had to play. and it wasnt like you were some damsel in distress stuck with some horrible cheating husband. shauna is the love of your life. this is not false. she’s the only person in this world who knows every single part of you. you’ve loved and you’ve lost with her. and truthfully, there isnt a version of you that doesnt exist without her beside you. not really.

ellie is just ellie. charming, awkward, nerdy and gentle in all the ways shauna isn't. maybe that’s why you find her so refreshing.

do you love her? you don’t know. it’s all so mixed and jumbled up with whatever you still feel for shauna. maybe you’re just bored and your mind is trying to find ways to keep you entertained.

it doesn’t matter. you’ll get over it. you’ll get over ellie.

lately shauna has been all you let yourself think about. you don’t let your mind wander off to what could be. and ellie, last you heard, ellie was back on speaking terms with kat. she told you very briefly during her first patrol back since she healed. “kat came by the other day.” she says. she doesnt look at you when she says it. her eyes stay trained on the trail before you.

you look at her too quickly. eyes slightly widening with her admittance. “oh?” you say. “did…did you invite her over?”

ellie shook her head. “she came on her own. said she was worried about me and then finally decided to come see me.” you raised an eyebrow at her. “and it took her until you were finally back on your feet to come see you?”

ellie just shrugged, now looking down at her hands that held onto shimmer’s reins. “she didn’t know if i’d want to see her.”

ellie still hasnt looked at you. you face towards the trail. “did you want to?”

ellie doesn’t answer right away. the truth is, she hadn’t minded kat being there. her sudden reappearance gave her something to hold onto. something to keep her from thinking about you too much. so she says, flatly, “i don’t know.”

and for reasons unknown to you. you say, “i liked kat.”

maybe it’s because its easier to think of ellie with someone else rather than you. some defence mechanism you didnt know you had. maybe if you pushed her towards someone else it’d close that ellie-shaped space in your heart. maybe then it’d be easier for you to find your way back to shauna without looking back. ellie scoffs out a laugh. finally looking at you. “you’re full of shit,” but her smile is more bitter than it is amused.

“no, i think she’s a really talented girl. and you’re both into art. you guys worked well together.”

ellie frowns at your words, shaking her head with mild annoyance. “that’s not what i want to hear right now.”

she turns back towards the trail. her hands tighten around the reins.

you try to keep your voice even, like none of it matters, like you don’t even see how much ellie wants you to react. even if you want to. “i’m just saying.” you shrug. “it made sense…the both of you. maybe just wrong timing.”

she laughs again, more serrated this time. “you already want me with someone else that badly?”

you stay quiet this time. yes and no. you want to say. yes, i want you to move on so that i can too. no, i don’t want anyone else getting the version of you that i get. but you don’t say any of it. you wouldn’t. even if ellie makes a show of it. even if she sees it plain as day and dares you with every question to just acknowledge it.

even then, you not saying anything is acknowledgement enough. she knows it too.

ellie nods to herself, like it tells her everything she needs to know. “right,” she mutters.

she doesn’t bring it up for the rest of the patrol. neither do you. you spend the rest of the time checking into outposts. killing the occassional infected. distracted enough to try and ignore the heaviness between you. you’re thankful ellie has always been easy to swerve, even if it’s just the surface. you talk about anything else besides shauna, besides kat. you let her talk your ear off about some comic she’s reading. you ask her for space facts. you make her laugh once.

anything to make the silence less loud.

you should’ve known ellie saw right through it. and when you get back to jackson, you don’t see her for an entire week.

shauna left the following monday for a trade run. jackson does these every six months. they send ten riders out to neighboring communities. sometimes smaller, sometimes larger. it’s quiet work but necessary. they come back with things jackson can’t grow. crop seeds, coffee beans, medicine. once, joel brought back a guitar.

shauna had been excited to go. she always liked the long rides, the open air, the sense of purpose it gave her. she kissed your forehead before leaving, then you rolled your eyes and told her to give you a real kiss. she promised to bring something back. even if it was just a story.

she would be gone for three days. it was only the second. you missed her terribly.

by then, it had already been a week and a half without a word from ellie. you asked dina once. she hadn’t heard from her either.

you’re just about to shut the porch light off and crawl into bed when ellie shows up at your door.

there’s no other way to put it when you see her. she’s a mess in front of you. collar undone, the first two buttons of her shirt unbuttoned. her hair is disheveled. she looks out of breath, like she’s either been running or trying not to cry.

“ellie–” then you stop.

and the smell hits you immediately. the sharp tang of whiskey, sweat, and something sour. your nose scrunches.

“ellie, you stink.”

she mumbles, “yeah.” like it’s the least of her worries right now.

you narrow your eyes. “where the hell have you been?”

she breathes out. “around.”

you shake your head, already feeling the exhaustion creeping up. “don’t be an asshole, ellie.”

there’s a flicker of something in her eyes at your words. but it never lands anywhere. she sways slightly on her feet. “can i come in?”

you hesitate. just long enough. then you step aside.

she stumbles in, unsteady, and nearly trips over the threshold. you catch her by the arm, instinctively. and it's like something flickers in her. something raw and startled, like you just touched a live wire.

she looks at you for a really long time. her eyes flickering from your eyes then to your mouth. mouth opening and closing as she searches for the words to say. then,

“i miss you.” her eyes are hazy. she’s drunk but you don’t spot a single speck of dishonesty in her eyes. “and you’re the best fucking person i’ve ever known.”

then your blood runs cold. you know exactly where this is going. your heart kicks up, throat tightening. you don’t know what you should do. if you should stop her. if you even can. because ellie is standing right here in front of you, and shauna’s gone, trusting you, loving you. right when things finally seemed to be going back to normal and god, this is wrong. so wrong.

“ellie–”

“–stop, no wait.” she cuts you off. “just let me say it, i just need you to hear it.”

you swallow your nerves. “ellie, please, not right–”

“no. no more 'please',” she snaps. “i can’t fucking breathe around you. and i’ve been trying to be normal. i’ve been trying to be okay with just…seeing you with her.” she takes a second to breathe. and you just look at her, startled. suddenly you don’t know where to put your feet. she shifts her weight, glancing from your eyes to the floor, then back to you.

“i tried. i really did try. you have to know that,” she says, voice softer now. “i thought if i stayed away long enough, it’d be easier. maybe i could just…not think about it. but, fuck.”

she drops her head, presses her fingers to her eyes like she’s trying to stop the glassiness in them before tears spill. her breath is shaky.

“the way you looked at me during patrol…” she murmurs. “like i was something you were trying to forget. that– that killed me.”

you stay frozen. you want to say something, anything.

“i couldn’t stand it. knowing maybe you felt it too, and were just trying to push it down.”

she breathes in sharp through her nose. “and then kat came over today. said she missed me. and she kissed me. and i let her.”

“i thought maybe that’s what i needed,” she says, quieter now. “to just…move on. pretend. but all i could think about–the only thing i could think about–was how much i wanted it to be you.”

she looks up at you, finally. her voice shakes.

“because i love you.” she surrenders. bare and all. “i’m so in love with you, it feels like im constantly walking a tightrope, terrified i’ll fall, but somehow still safer up there than anywhere else.”

her words leave you breathless. like all air has just left you. like ellie has just made it feel more real. realer than what you wanted. you avert your eyes trying to look at anywhere but her. maybe you try to convince yourself she doesnt. that she doesnt love you. she cant. because you can’t let yourself love her. you wont. not in the way she wants you to.

your silence feels like years to ellie. she let’s a tear slip. waits for you to say something. anything. but you’re frozen, mind reeling with everything.

maybe that’s why you do it. to make things just go quiet.

one second she’s there standing in front of you, offering her heart to you with her bare hands, the next your mouth is on hers.

it isn’t soft. or warm. it’s messy. unrehearsed. you feel it all spill out of her as soon as you feel her hands grasp your cheeks. she’s asking if you feel it too, or sorry if you do.

it only lasts a second, maybe two, before you’re pushing her away. eyes wide, and you want to cry. because, fuck, you do. you feel it too. and you shouldn’t. you don’t want to. it makes you feel horrible to.

ellie stares at you, stunned. lips parted. the skin under her eyes shine with a wetness. her eyes flicker with something mad. not anger. want. realization. the kind of ache that comes from finally tasting something you’ve starved yourself of.

you breathe out, gasping. gathering your thoughts, trying to make sense of what you just did.

“ellie,” you swallow, heart racing. “that can’t— that can’t happen again.”

“wait, hey— we can talk about this!”

“stop, ellie. you’re drunk–”

“what? you can’t stand there and say you don’t–”

“ellie, stop,” you say more firmly this time.

she freezes.

and then she looks at you. really looks at you. her eyes flicker, searching your face for something she doesn’t find. her lip quivers, and you see the hurt crack her expression wide open. she turns her head slightly, trying to hide the tears already falling.

“fuck you,” she whispers. it comes out so quietly, like it hurts just to say.

“ellie—”

“we kissed. you just–” her voice splinters. it makes you want to close the distance between you, to say something that might soothe her. but you can’t.

“ellie,” you sniffle. “there isn’t anything for me to say….i do love you,” you take a breath. “but not the way you need me to.” you back away slowly. it’s only half a step, but it feels like miles.

you’ve known this truth for a long time. you may love ellie. but it’s only a flicker, a spark, compared to shauna’s flame. she’s the hearth, the fire, the home you will always return to even if it’d be easier not to.

“why can’t–”

“you know why.”

something in ellie’s chest boils. she closes her eyes for a second.

“you love her,” it’s not a question, just the truth she’s putting a name to.

you nod sadly, “we— we’ve known each other since we were kids. her and i– we…we’ve been through a lot. and she…she’s my person.” you sigh, “there’s no denying it.”

your words make the lump in her throat feel more prominent. you take in the sight of ellie before you. dejected. broken. in love in every way that hurts to ignore.

“if this means nothing, i need you to tell me, now,” she murmurs, her tears blurring the sight of you in front of her.

you inch closer, quiet, careful, your way of pulling her in just this once.

“it means everything, ellie.” your hands come to rest on her cheeks. she leans into them immediately. “but i love her in a way where walking away isn’t an option. without her…there— there isn't me.” you pause, willing her to understand.

her face scrunches in pain. the knife she helped you lunge into her heart now twisting. ellie can’t help the silent tears that leave her. she doesn’t move. doesn’t try to wipe them away.

“what…what am i supposed to do with all of this then?” she chokes out. pleading now.

you don’t have an answer. maybe there isnt one. you just hold her there, as you feel the heat of her mouth on your forehead. letting the tears stream down her face.

ellie lets you hold her there, until her breath evens out and her tears have come down. she doesn’t say anything when she pulls back, just looks at you, face tear streaked, glassy eyes. she closes her eyes before her fingers loosen around your arms. as if trying to remember you for the last time.

when she opens her eyes and finds you staring back, she tries not to cry again. she takes a deep breath, swallows hard.

“i should…i should go,” she whispers.

you dont try to stop her.

shauna shows up the next evening, a little sunburned, dust all over her pants and boots. theres a familiar ease to her when she walks through the door, like she never left. you wrap your arms around her the moment she steps inside, she laughs against you, murmuring how much she missed you.

you make a big, nice dinner for shauna. a juicy steak, roasted potatoes, the whole nine. but you dont last through dinner. halfway through your meal you’ve had enough of the guilt. you turn to shauna.

“i need to tell you something,” you say. she freezes and her fork stops mid air. she looks at you confusidely, setting her fork down gently.

“oh-kay…”

your eyes brim. and then it spills. everything.

“ellie…told me she…she’s in love with me.”

shauna doesn’t move.

“what did you say?” she asks quietly. carefully. readying herself for whatever you say after.

you sniffle. “i said– i said i felt something too. but not like that. never like that. i…”

you choke a little, pressing your fingers to your mouth, ashamed. “i kissed her.”

the words ring in the silence.

“i don’t know why. it just happened. and the second i did, i pushed her away. i told her i couldn’t. that this could never happen. that it won’t ever happen.”

your voice cracks, breaking open all the guilt. “because i love you. i do, shauna. i can’t imagine any version of me without any version of you.”

you look up, eyes searching her face for some sign of anger, heartbreak, anything. but shauna’s unreadable. she’s quiet. it terrifies you.

“i needed you to know,” you whisper. shauna’s gaze drops to the floor for a long moment. she breathes in through her nose, slow and sharp. you watch the muscle in her jaw twitch before she finally speaks.

“she kissed you back?”

you hesitate. then nod.

“and you still told her no?”

“i meant it, shauna,” you say, voice barely above a whisper. “i chose you. i always choose you.”

she pushes her chair back from the table, she stands up and walks mechanically towards the door. like she’s holding back from doing something she’d regret.

“i need some air,” she mutters.

you trail her to the porch. she sits down on the top step, staring out at the dark yard, the stretch of trees just past the fence. you sit beside her, knees close but not touching.

a beat.

then, finally, she speaks.

“i always knew she had feelings for you,” she says, her voice calm in that eerie, shauna way. “the way she looked at you…it was never subtle.”

you blink. “you knew?”

“i’m not stupid,” she says. “just… hopeful. that maybe it didn’t mean anything. that you didn’t feel it back.”

“i didn’t,” you say. “not really. not like– it wasn’t like this. what we have.”

shauna leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees, chewing on the inside of her cheek. her voice is low when she says, “you don’t know what it’s like…to love someone so much it terrifies you. and then have that fear come true. even for a second.”

you shake your head, eyes filled with tears again. “i do. that’s exactly how i feel about you.”

shauna turns to look at you. really look at you. her eyes are tired, but not angry. just… sad.

“i don’t want you to be perfect,” she says. rolling her eyes at the mere thought of it. “perfect is boring, unrealistic. i just need you to be honest.”

“i am,” you swear. “i am, shauna. i told her no. i told her i loved you. and i meant every word.”

her face softens. just a little. she nods once. then quietly, “okay.”

you don’t ask if that means she forgives you. you just sit together in the stillness of the evening, listening to the wind shift through the trees. her hand brushes against yours. after a moment, she lets it stay there.

the days that follow are quiet, but never cold.

shauna doesnt say much, but she doesnt pull away either. she still makes your coffee in the morning. hums while washing dishes. she walks you to your shifts at the school. most nights she sleeps with her back to you, still close enough for you to reach for her if you want to.

shauna doesn’t beg for your apologies. she’s never been the one to plead for anything. and she isn’t gonna start now. she let’s you show her you mean what you said instead. makes sure you’re proving it. and you do.

you cook her favorite meals. you let her lay your head on your lap when you’re reading. leave her notes on the fridge. ‘i love you. stay safe.’ ‘there’s still some pie left from last night for you to take on patrol. love you.’ ‘your lunch is packed behind the onions. i love you.’

and the sex, god the sex, it’s like something switched in her. shauna is usually the one that starts it most nights, you never say no.

now, she’s much more rougher, or not rough but firmer. passionate. intentional. she forces you to look into her eyes, the whole time, no exceptions. she encourages you to be vocal, you are. all while she stares into your soul. like if she looked deep enough she’d find the truth in you.

and you give it to her all. of course you do. because you want her to find it.

you avoid ellie as best as you can. not in a obvious way. really, just to give her and yourself some space. you pick up more shifts at the school. even apply for shifts no one else would take around jackson. you see ellie, maybe once or twice at the stables, on your walks home.

dina had told you she’d been picking up more shifts at the stables. had been doing the same. keeping busy. two people trying to get away with orbiting the same planet, trying their hardest not to collide.

but the world is small. and it was only a matter of time before you and ellie collided.

the following week patrol schedules are sent out.

patrol, route 7: shipman, s. williams, e. y/l/n, y/f/i.

“shit,” you mutter. and before you could even tell her, shauna is already behind you reading the list over your shoulder.

you look at her just as shocked. “if you want, i can ask maria to–”

“–no.” she interrupts. “we’re not gonna make it a thing.” you blink, look at her confused, wonder if she’s just bluffing. trying to save face. “but shauna–” she gives you a firm look. not anything broody or annoyed, just shauna staying calm in her shauna-esque way. you want to roll your eyes and kiss her face at the same time. she was never one for pettiness. and she could get petty. but it was never over things she couldn’t control.

she lets out a small breath. no longer hard from the face. her eyes soften at the way they always do with you around.

“i trust you.” she says. “i don’t trust her.”

and you nod, don’t argue. there’s not anything else to say.

the morning of patrol, you feel shauna’s unease alot more than she shows. she does everything the way she always has. she’s up before you are, brewing your coffees, setting out breakfast. she likes huge meals on days like these. where she knows there’ll be rough terrain to handle.

she’s just a little less quiet than usual. more tense. you can tell with the way she eats her eggs and steak with very concentrated precision.

you don’t say anything besides reach for her free hand and hold it through the rest of breakfast. she kisses it once, then never lets go.

you meet with ellie at the stables.

you haven’t seen ellie in weeks. not since that night.

she looks fine. at first. but her collar’s askew. her hair’s a little unkempt. and her eyes don’t quite meet yours. shauna offers ellie a stiff nod. ellie gives one back. you say nothing.

other patrol groups are already gathering near the gates. the morning sun is barely peeking through the mountains, and boots crunch over gravel as horses are checked and rechecked. you spot joel and dina a few groups ahead. they’ve already dismounted to give their goodbyes.

dina hugs you briefly. quick and tight, like she knows something's off but doesn’t want to get in the middle of it.

joel heads for ellie. says nothing at first, just rests a hand on her shoulder. she finally meets his eyes and gives the smallest nod.

“you stay safe, kid,” he murmurs. “no hero shit.”

ellie huffs out half a smile. “no promises.”

your group is called. route 7.

you mount your horses in silence.

ellie rides ahead. shauna keeps pace beside you. no one says a word.

the gate creaks open.

“route 7 west,” ellie mutters, unfolding the map without looking up. “we’ll follow the ridge, then cut east by the lake. should be a six-hour loop.”

shauna tightens her straps. “longer if it rains.”

the three of you ride in a triangle formation. ellie ahead, you in the center, shauna a few paces behind. it’s a quiet ride, broken only by the sound of hooves and birdsong. no one speaks unless absolutely necessary.

the tension rides just beneath the surface. eventually, ellie calls for a break near the creek bed. she dismounts, tying her horse with quick, practiced motions. you follow. shauna lingers, silent, watchful.

ellie glances between you both. her mouth twitches.

“i’ll scout the west bend,” shauna says, without waiting for agreement. “won’t be long.”

you open your mouth to protest, but she’s already gone. boots crunching into the brush.

now it’s just you and ellie.

she exhales, slow. “wasn’t expecting this.”

“me either.”

“you look...good,” she says, hesitant. “you seem good.”

you nod. “trying.”

ellie folds her arms. doesn’t meet your eyes. “i’m not here to make things hard.”

“i know.”

she swallows. “did she forgive you?”

you glance down at the ground, then back up at her. “she’s trying. i am too.”

ellie doesn’t respond right away. she looks like she wants to say a hundred things and doesn’t know how to say even one. her fingers twitch at her side.

“she’s lucky,” she finally says.

“no,” you correct her gently. “i am.”

when shauna returns, her expression gives nothing away. she falls back into place without a word. and the three of you ride on.

about an hour later you reach your halfway checkpoint and check in. some old radio tower eaten by ivy overgrowth and rust.

“we’ll have to leave the horses for where we’re going next.” shauna says.

it’s routine. no one questions it. the trail ahead is too narrow, too jagged. even the most sure-footed mare wouldn’t make it far. you break for a late lunch. the silence isn’t hostile, but it isn’t comfortable either. afterward, you tie up the horses and head into the brush.

shauna and ellie can behave well enough with you in between them. you’re grateful for that. grateful that whatever little bit of civility they still have around each other hasn't run out. at least not yet. but it doesn’t matter when you can feel just how on edge both girls are. now you’re stuck playing the middleman until both girls are within a ten-foot radius of each other.

still, you’re lucky they’re both professionals. that they’re too good at what they do to let it interfere–at least, not out loud.

once the sun started hiding behind the trees and the clouds started getting darker by the minute, things started to feel more tense. but ellie was determined to at least make it to the gas station just half a mile up the trail before turning back towards jackson.

shauna wasn’t very fond of the idea. already not liking the idea of being this far out this late, and the fact that she could smell the obvious rain in the air. she didn’t want to get stuck out in a storm. especially with you.

you tried reasoning with her. told her it was better if you all checked in to the outlook, that way you’d avoid having to come back again.

shauna just sighed and bit her tongue.

you continue your trek, your boots pushing through the overgrowth and sinking into moist earth. ellie mutters something about being glad the horses were left under some tree shade in case it rained.

you don't say anything, but all you can think about is how much easier it would have been if the horses were here.

then–

you feel shauna’s arm shooting up to block your front, halting you. instinctive. her signal to freeze.

ellie tenses beside you, her shoulders square, trying to hear something she isn’t sure is even there. shauna looks around, past the tree lines and the surrounding area. both girls seemed hyper-aware of everything in that second.

you don't hear anything, except for the sound of your breath. then you realize. you don’t hear anything. not even the sound of crickets, or a distant frog, or anything alive. not even the wind. and your blood runs cold.

“something doesn’t feel right,” ellie mumbles, her brows furrow, and she tightens her hands around her rifle.

shauna’s jaw tenses. she moves slightly forward to get a better view up ahead. her eyes shooting in different directions, trying to pick up on anything.

shauna looks back at ellie. a quiet communication. “it’s too quiet.”

you hesitate when asking, afraid of the worst. “what-what does that mean?”

she turns back to face you, her body still turned outward as if ready for anything. her eyes lock on yours. “it means we should leave, now.”

and just as shauna finishes that sentence there’s a loud shriek heard just ahead. you flinch, all three of you immediately raising your rifles.

“that’s just one,” ellie says.

another shriek. closer.

“two.”

another. “three.”

two more follow, layered over each other. “four, five—”

and then they’re all around you. as if they’d just exploded out of some portal. it all happens too quickly for you to comprehend. you feel shauna’s back press against you, like she’s trying to shield you from too much death. shots are being fired between trees, and there’s a moment where you don’t even know if the gun is even aimed at anything, you just keep shooting.

then you stop feeling shauna against you, and then she’s pushing you towards ellie and heading further into the trees.

“shauna–” you try to stop her. to try and reach for her. but she faces you before you can, her eyes are blown wide, chest heaving.

“you have to go,” she breathes out. final.

“no–no. no fuck that–”

“fuck, you have to go!” she shouts, but you hear her voice cracking. “please, just go.”

your heart stops. the look in her eyes was too familiar. the same look she wore when you had to bury jackie. the same look she gave you when you were both starving and scared, but chose to love you above all.

ellie turns to face you both, a quick glance at shauna, and she knows.

and damn if ellie wasnt sure if she didn’t leave with you right now, she would have shoved you towards shauna herself and tell you to leave with her instead.

you step forward and reach out again like it’d do anything. your eyes start to sting. “shauna, please–”

then you feel arms wrapping around your waist, dragging you back. “no, ellie, let go– let go of me!”

“she’s trying to buy us some time– we have to go!” ellie grits out, holding onto you tightly. “come on, please, she wouldn’t want– fuck, don’t make me lose the both of you.”

you’re thrashing against ellie now, letting the tears fall freely as you try and desperately fail to reach shauna. you scream her name. you curse her out. anything.

and then she looks at you a final time as ellie pulls you away. then she heads further in, jaw clenched and gun aimed.

you don’t see her again.

shauna holds her gun close to her. shooting, aiming, shooting some more. she tries to get as many down as possible. her breath is ragged, and her arms burn. and when she’s run out of bullets, the pistol strapped to her waist comes out next.

out of the corner of her eye, she sees a few running in the direction you and ellie had run off in. she keeps shooting, but for every infected, it feels like two more take its place.

it all comes dawning on her then, she’s lost count of how many surrounded her. the tragic realization, she’s not making it out of this.

“fuck.” she muttered, she clenches her eyes shut. maybe hoping this was all just some messed-up dream her brain had conjured up, and if she blinked enough times, she’d wake up back in jackson, in bed next to you.

but she never wakes up.

she keeps shooting, anyway. she screams, runs, and shoots. trying to drive them further from you.

and in all the noise, where all shauna can hear is the sound of her heart beating, she starts to pray.

shauna was never the religious kind. in a world as ugly as this, no modern god could ever matter out here. she’d heard the stories before. back when being alive meant something different, back when hope wasn't just some myth to be told. religion was everything. it ruled. sometimes it ruled for the better, sometimes it ruled for the worse. but it gave people hope. it made people think of something other than themselves.

and maybe in this moment, she starts to feel something close to it.

she starts praying. she doesn't know to who or what. she just does. it’s all there’s left to do. the irrefutable feeling that she’s about to die. she’s about to die alone. but she’s going to die for you.

maybe you’re her god.

then, the pistol in her hand clicks. empty. and there are still so many coming after her. shauna stops running. turns around. she faces the herd just feet away from her. she’s not scared.

“come on then,” she whispers. “come and fucking get me.”

her feet are planted, she stares them down, and then she clenches the blade strapped to the other side of her waist.

and then she thinks of you. she thinks of your face. the way you look right after a shower. the stupid omelet she learned to make just for you. she thinks of how long she’s loved you. how lucky she was to grow up with you. to know you with scraped knees and pigtails. how she used to sneak you out past curfew hours just to make out in the tunnels right outside the walls.

shauna’s loved you her whole life.

she would have had kids with you if it were possible. and she would’ve been so good. she would've taught them how to fight and be tough. she would have taught them how to love, just like you did.

she repeats your name over and over in her head. and she knows even then, you don't need her. you’ll be okay. god, williams, you better take care of her.

she hopes to god you know that she’s forgiven you.

“i hope they make it,” she pleads, her voice cracking with the words, “please, let them make it.”

she stabs the first clicker right in the eye. the second one in the throat. she doesn't have enough time before the third one sinks its teeth into her shoulder. her knees hit the ground, but she doesn't scream. and she isn't afraid.

she thinks of you. your face, your hands, the look in your eyes–

and that’s the last thought shauna shipman had before her world went dark.

#my heart hurts yayyyyy ❤️

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