#has no worth or matter- because its in the fucking past-or just doesn't effect /you/.

[aspd-culture]

I apologize, i know this is a “culture is” blog but i was wondering if you had any tips on unmasking? Its a huge struggle for me and its effecting my treatment and mental health severely.

This culture is blog definitely is in massive part a place to ask and answer questions too, no worries at all!/gen

The biggest thing for me that helped was first working on the masked piece that told me I was supposed to give a fuck about what people thought of me. I learned that manually over a long period of time, having next to no sense of embarrassment as a child and early teen. I found that once I got back to "I really don't give a fuck if you like me or think I'm a shit person or what, and if you think I should be constantly putting on some act for you, then you're an exhausting person and I'm glad to see you leave my life so bye", the rest of unmasking has come easier.

The second biggest thing builds on this; making sure you're not filling your life, especially your personal relationships which are supposed to be caring, supportive, and filling your battery vs draining it, with people you can't unmask around. Massive red flag if they can't get past the easy symptoms like flat affect and need for emotions being clearly communicated after a conversation or two and maybe some reassurance if they are more sensitive or have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. If the people you value push you to hide your disorder, you will no matter how hard you try not to. ASPD makes us cling tighter to bad people sometimes, because we know that we hate the social dance of trying to find someone else even remotely trustworthy, let alone that we can tolerate spending time around. This goes 10x for any Exceptions.

The third is letting yourself get a little angry. You shouldn't be spending your energy trying to hide symptoms you never asked for and that hurt you more than anyone else. This disorder doesn't show up without the failure of *at minimum* a few adults in your life for many years without resolving it. If they don't like you being like this, then maybe they should have done their job. It isn't your job to hide their mistakes. It isn't your job to hide their *failure* to do a simple job of keeping a kid safe and secure. If you look up the percentage of needs being met that leads to a secure attachment style (which ASPD is not compatible with), you probably will find the getting mad portion of unmasking pretty easy. The bar was in hell and the majority of the adults supposed to take care of you in your childhood played limbo. That's worth being upset about.

To be clear, this isn't the go ahead or encouragement to get violent, abusive, or destructive, but if your symptoms are inconveniencing someone vs hurting them, then fuck it. You deserve to breathe and just *be* sometimes instead of starring in Normal Person, Director's Cut all day every day.

Once I got those things under my belt, most of the rest of unmasking for me has just been reminding myself that I will burn out if I keep making myself fit in a box that does not fit me. It was not my choice to end up a square while everyone else is a circle, and no matter how much it might bug anyone, that won't make a square fit through the circle hole.

Just in case no one else in your life says this to you, I will. You deserve at least some amount of time - and while sleeping does *not* count - without the mask at least some of every day (with maybe exceptions for like the occasional holiday with family or work trip or anniversary or something) without masking. There are plenty of symptoms of this disorder that do not cause harm to anyone, they just don't like it because they aren't used to it (for example flat affect) or because it causes them to have to put some effort in (for example, needing to communicate their emotions vs playing a bs game of Guess Who? with the clues read in a language you don't understand). Those symptoms can and should be unmasked sometimes.

Plain text below the cut:

This culture is blog definitely is in massive part a place to ask and answer questions too, no worries at all!/gen

The biggest thing for me that helped was first working on the masked piece that told me I was supposed to give a fuck about what people thought of me. I learned that manually over a long period of time, having next to no sense of embarrassment as a child and early teen. I found that once I got back to "I really don't give a fuck if you like me or think I'm a shit person or what, and if you think I should be constantly putting on some act for you, then you're an exhausting person and I'm glad to see you leave my life so bye", the rest of unmasking has come easier.

The second biggest thing builds on this; making sure you're not filling your life, especially your personal relationships which are supposed to be caring, supportive, and filling your battery vs draining it, with people you can't unmask around. Massive red flag if they can't get past the easy symptoms like flat affect and need for emotions being clearly communicated after a conversation or two and maybe some reassurance if they are more sensitive or have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. If the people you value push you to hide your disorder, you will no matter how hard you try not to. ASPD makes us cling tighter to bad people sometimes, because we know that we hate the social dance of trying to find someone else even remotely trustworthy, let alone that we can tolerate spending time around. This goes 10x for any Exceptions.

The third is letting yourself get a little angry. You shouldn't be spending your energy trying to hide symptoms you never asked for and that hurt you more than anyone else. This disorder doesn't show up without the failure of *at minimum* a few adults in your life for many years without resolving it. If they don't like you being like this, then maybe they should have done their job. It isn't your job to hide their mistakes. It isn't your job to hide their *failure* to do a simple job of keeping a kid safe and secure. If you look up the percentage of needs being met that leads to a secure attachment style (which ASPD is not compatible with), you probably will find the getting mad portion of unmasking pretty easy. The bar was in hell and the majority of the adults supposed to take care of you in your childhood played limbo. That's worth being upset about.

To be clear, this isn't the go ahead or encouragement to get violent, abusive, or destructive, but if your symptoms are inconveniencing someone vs hurting them, then fuck it. You deserve to breathe and just *be* sometimes instead of starring in Normal Person, Director's Cut all day every day.

Once I got those things under my belt, most of the rest of unmasking for me has just been reminding myself that I will burn out if I keep making myself fit in a box that does not fit me. It was not my choice to end up a square while everyone else is a circle, and no matter how much it might bug anyone, that won't make a square fit through the circle hole.

Just in case no one else in your life says this to you, I will. You deserve at least some amount of time - and while sleeping does *not* count - without the mask at least some of every day (with maybe exceptions for like the occasional holiday with family or work trip or anniversary or something) without masking. There are plenty of symptoms of this disorder that do not cause harm to anyone, they just don't like it because they aren't used to it (for example flat affect) or because it causes them to have to put some effort in (for example, needing to communicate their emotions vs playing a bs game of Guess Who? with the clues read in a language you don't understand). Those symptoms can and should be unmasked sometimes.

[usercelestial]

airing out my personal grievances with this show and this storyline here both to just get it and clarify why i'm mad before i get any saying that i'm just mad one of my ships sunk

1) buck is never gonna get a long term love interest that makes sense because the two that do make sense, tommy and eddie, are either not queer or cut from the show. the writing is lazy and they have zero direction for this show or its character's plots.

2) eddie isn't going to be gay, maybe im wrong about this but i've held out hope long enough and i just feel tired waiting and analyzing. he said he was straight this episode for the first time and we know tim was talking directly to the audience. plus ryan guzman has been blasting the hetero gun for a while now in interviews.

3) if they wanted buck and tommy to just be casual, they should have built it to be casual. including him 8x01 is unnecessary now if you were just going to get rid of him, having buck look at tommy when he says "our people is what makes life worth living" or whatever he says doesn't make sense if they weren't going to last, and ultimately bringing tommy back at all past season 7 or really past 7x06. they still could have dated but they needed to make it clear that they are not sticking around outside of tommy getting buck basketball tickets and buck not knowing tommy is gay in 8x06, which doesn't hint at a whole lot when interviews made it clear they still getting to know each other at this point. that doesn't strike me as odd in the moment if "they're relationship is deepening" still. even if you do notice it, you should have established it in previous episodes, instead of introducing two scenes before they break up.

4) the reason buck and tommy broke up is biphobic. im not going to rehash that but yes, telling a bisexual man that he shouldn't fall in love with the first guy he dates because he hasn't "explored other options" is biphobic.

side note: if the issue is that buck still doesn't feel comfortable with his bisexuality, then i think they missed a few chances to have buck make that clear, namely having him react or correct maddie at all when she called him gay. the only scene i can think of where it seems like buck may not feel comfortable if the scene where a girl flirts with buck and tommy tells him it's okay to look but i don't think the point of that scene is communicated effectively if it was supposed to be buck dealing being on a date with a guy but also knowing he's still attracted to women and maybe still not understanding himself fully

5) this fandom is toxic and horrible, b/ddie is the only thing that anyone is allowed to like and every other relationship just exists to bolster and uphold it. im tired of being in a fandom doesn't care about lesbians (which ive run into with a few bucktommys but still) and it feels like no matter how much the actors/actresses get harassed and bullied, no one stands up for them because i dont think tim minear or really even oliver stark wants to double down on telling toxic fans to fuck off

that's mostly it i think. if they didn't want people getting attached, then they shouldn't have included bucktommy scenes where they were unnecessary. most of episode 5 feels like we're building buck and tommy's relationship up so much. i would have been way more okay with this break up if (1) they didn't make it seem like buck was falling in love tommy and vice versa ie. all of episode 5 and buck's conclusion in episode 6 where he decides that he could see a future with tommy and (2) the reason for the break up didn't feel so insidious.

[auramgold]

i find it really interesting how splatoon has repeatedly pulled very clearly on fascist symbolism for its villains now.

tartar and grizz are very much motivated by effectively a "return to tradition", seeing the changed world as degenerate and disgusting and seeking in their own different ways to return it to their fucked-up idealized version of what it "should" be by means of genocide.

and the final boss theme of side order is literally named New World Order, like after the fascist conspiracy theory. just because it's an order pun doesn't make that not a very loaded phrase for them to choose to pull on.

which is why it's important in all those cases that the repeated theme of splatoon is that even though this world is flawed, it's still well worth fighting for. the world with its myriad colors eliminated would be worse than the flawed but living place it is now.

you can't go back to the past that once was, you can't freeze yourself from changing in the present, the only way to move is forward, the only way to exist is changing. no matter what the fascists say, no matter how grim it all seems, it's worth fighting to keep that chaotic color alive.

[butmakeitgayblog]

Wait what? Are we talking about ADC?

Wasn't she the one happy for Biden and Harris? The one that spoke about climate change? Pride month, BLM?

Girl are you ok?

If not please blink.

Her best friend is Laura, I mean, not to be dense but... Trump supporters are not famous for being inclusive.

I could be wrong, I'm not even American, but...

Ok pump the brakes.

Yes I am fine, and no I am not crazy for simply lifting an eyebrow at this.

Yes, that is the person I'm talking about. The person who used to talk about BLM and black rights movements, but hasn't in a few years. The same person who used to talk about climate change, but hasn't in a few years. The same person who used to talk about indigenous peoples rights, but hasn't in a few years. The same person who used to talk about women's rights, but hasn't in a few years. The same person who used to occasionally talk LGBTQ pride, but hasn't really beyond 1 interview recently and only then because when pointedly asked about it in the context of a past role.

Now, listen!

I! Understand! That could mean nothing! It could be absolutely nothing more than she simply has taken a step back from posting any political activism at all. God knows the climate online has gotten more and more nasty and cruel in the last several years, and anyone not wanting to open themselves to that kind of shit would be reasonable. Her not posting about it doesn't mean her ideology has changed! I know that. And that on its own has never bothered me. Especially when you consider that it could even be tied into contract stipulations with her brand deals etc etc. I get it.

But it's still a shift, and it's worth noting.

Not accusing. Noting.

Where it becomes more single-eyebrow-raise worthy is when you couple it with the otherwise dubious fact of her following a few trumpers and tradwife people.

Again, could mean nothing. Maybe she really just likes their style. Maybe she thinks one day she'll make their recipes. Maybe she met them at a function or saw something about them she liked besides that and felt that their political stances weren't a big enough deal to supercede her like of them for other reasons. That happens. Some people are able to compartmentalize people and relationships, I get that. For me, someone who will to vote away the rights and freedoms of women, immigrants, POC, Black people, disabled people, and LGBTQ people is not someone I personally or morally want to fuck with in any way, but I know there are people in the world who it's not a deal breaker, and it's not my job or place to say they're wrong for that.

But it does give me pause.

Especially when you bring in the issue of wealth and class.

It's really really really easy to set aside political stances when you're financially and culturally in a position where the fallout doesn't effect you. The wealthy flock to the fellow wealthy. For quite a large number of people, their societal status will always, and I do mean always, come before anything else. They're wealthy before they're anything else. It's why you see so many celebrities and so on continuing to rub elbows with and support people who have been accused of things like rape, abuse, racism, etc. It's because they're in the same club. So what if they're a bad person??? They are wealthy, which means they're their people.

Not to mention, look at the stats of who voted for Trump. It doesn't matter if you have black friends or a gay kid (hell, something like 15-20% of LGBTQ voters voted for Trump themselves 🥴) or are an immigrant nor whatever. Whatever you think the dividing line is or was for Trump, this election kind of drew out the dumbest in people, including people who actively voted against their own interests for whatever reason. I mean if Christians are willing to support a convicted rapist, having a black best friend isn't going to stop someone from letting pro-christian elitist propaganda slowly infect their belief system.

Now, I'm gonna end this by saying I AM NOT SAYING THIS IS DEFINITELY WHAT'S GOING ON.

I do not know this woman. I don't know her personal life or what her beliefs are. All I did was say that the implications don't look great on paper, because that's all I got to look at. The silence of her previous activism, paired with the silence on anything having to do with the election, paired with the following open Trumpers and liking tradwife content on her social media. It could mean nothing, it could mean something. I don't know, because I don't know her. All I know is that it is odd on the surface and I hope for her own sake she isn't that easily swayed. But unfortunately, none of us are immune to propaganda

[vyladromeave]

7 and 18? :]

07. best dynamic in the series? like, whenever these characters are onscreen your brain just explodes?

APHMAU AND VYLAD!!!!! VYLAD AND LAURANCE!!!!!!!!!!! THEYRE SOOOOOO GOOD. They don't get a lot of screentime, because Vylad doesn't get a lot of screentime, but when they do its almost always written well!! That's a lot to ask of MCD! Vylad being quiet and introspective, but also inherently tied to basically every plot/lore element MCD has to offer does a lot for his onscreen (and offscreen) dynamics. This reaally shines through in his interactions with Aphmau and Laurance.

And LAURANCE AND APHMAU!!!!!! Maybe its because they have sooooo much screentime, arguably the most any pair in the series has, but up until S2 starts shitting itself, their dynamic is SOOOOOO. listen to me. listen.

Aphmau is the person Vylad accidentally created. Laurance is the person he failed, the unplanned sacrifice he was forced to take in a plan that was supposed to only hurt himself. His life is a spiral of guilt. Everything is his fault, and everything has to happen the way it happened, or it would be even worse.

Aphmau is the person who, even before he became a Shadowknight, pulled Laurance out of the darkness. He loves her always, even if she can't return things quite the same, and he's fine with that, he knows he isn't owed anything. Laurance is the split second of hope in Vylad's 200 years of literal torture in hell. A split second of kindness in a life (and death) full of people who simply hate him, use him, or do not care about him.

Vylad is the person Laurance failed. Vylad doesn't see it that way.

Vylad is Aphmau's one hint at a past, the one person who might know more about her than she could know about herself. The one person who's been there since the beginning. She doesn't know him, until she does, and then she knows him too well, more than anyone else knows him. He knows her well, but not in person. He can only make guesses about all the things she wants to know. She already knows too much, but he struggles to hide anything from her, because its his fault she exists. Because its his fault he exists, because he knows her so well, he feels like he can tell her more.

Laurance and Vylad will throw their lives away for the things that matter, and when they're at their lowest, they'll do it for the things that don't matter too. And they're stuck looking to each other for hints on how to be people. They see a hope in each other that they can't see in themselves, but they don't know how to say it.

And the three of them can't all exist in the same room together, because if they do, the universe explodes.

18. is there anything about the fandom you dislike?

smiles. there is so so much and i think saying all of it would get me killed. Admittedly I do think fan spaces for mcd have calmed down SIGNIFICANTLY over time. I've been here since S1, I've seen some shit. But for what it's worth, people are less actively gross in full view of me than they were in the past. Likely a side effect of mcd/Aphmau rp content as a whole being dead for multiple years, but you know what I'll take it.

I still think a lot of people's critical thinking skills could use some fucking Work. I still see so much apologism for villainous characters across mcd (and Aphmau's works as a whole tbh) just because they're charismatic and hot lol. it gets REALLY telling when you compare how people treat Zane in comparison to like, Michi.

There's no harm in liking villainous characters. There's no harm in liking charismatic villains. But you have to admit that thats what they are. I personally think people like Zane and Gene are really interesting, they're decently well-written, their motivations are intriguing, I cannot deny that the way their actions were presented was often cool from a narrative standpoint, and if you find them hot then whatever. As characters, I like them a lot!! But when you consistently start talking about shit like [CLEARLY VILLAINOUS CHARACTER] isn't actually evil™ hes a soft boy™ he's silly he doesn't know what he's doing™ he just made some bad choices™ its not his fault™ he would've made a great dad/lover/brother/etc™ he never meant to hurt anyone™ he wouldn't have hurt anyone if circumstances were better™ oh torture is sexy actually™ you need to step back. and examine your actions. extremely quickly.

Anyone would do different things under different circumstances. Why is it different for them? These people aren't your next Zuko. It isn't your job to fix them. You are not immune to propaganda. You are falling for the charismatic villain boy act, and your life would be a lot better if you didn't.

(ask prompts from here!)

[all-pacas]

Are you comfortable saying what characters and what about the characterization you disagreed with? Just curious!

I don't want to get too specific because I'm not trying to do any kind of call out post! But it was a sort of situation where a specific character is highly whitewashed and can do no wrong, no matter how understandable or even welcome that would be. It's frustrating writing, not just because it's annoying to read about characters who can and are not allowed to Do Anything Wrong, but also because it's not human.

I'm a huge proponent in messy characters. People making mistakes, making assumptions, saying or doing the wrong thing. Good, well-meaning people who make mistakes, or get upset in the heat of the moment. Especially because they can and absolutely do exist with good or "paragon" characters! It adds so much more depth and interest and relatability! I love positive traits taken to the point of flaws! It's my crack!

And here's the tangent that's made me decide to answer this ask: I. Fucking. Love. That. So here's some very random examples of Good People and Characters with Positive Traits that can be flaws:

PETER PARKER. Amazing Spider-Man's semi-recent Sin's Past arc directly discussed this. Peter has a hero complex; he IS a hero. He compulsively needs and wants to save everyone, explicitly due to his own guilt complexes. It also makes him controlling. He will or won't allow help, will or won't share information. He keeps things to himself, he refuses to share, he intentionally keeps people out of the loop. He wants to save everyone. He thinks he knows how to do it. He dismisses and pushes friends away. He is a great hero and often a shitty friend.

CRITROLE, my guys Caleb and Nott. Best friends, they love one another, they are ultra found family. About halfway through the campaign, Nott begins to struggle with her personal issues, openly and obviously (Xhorhass and Flaskgate). Caleb cares for her a lot. He wants what is best for her. Instead of talking to her about her problems or calling her out on her recent recklessly dangerous behavior, he refuses to talk to her at all. He enables her, an alcoholic, with alcohol. It isn't that he wants her self-harming or in danger, it's because he loves her and can't bring himself to call her out or bring himself into conflict. He Fucks Up.

ALOY Zero Dawn. Another heroic type, she spends about half her time refusing friendship, help, companions, all of it. Her catchphrase is "I'm faster alone." She saves the world and skips the victory party. She's too busy. She has too much on her plate. She hurts her friends. They tell her this. She pushes them away. It isn't because she doesn't want friends -- she's actually a fairly warm person -- or even because she's so anti-social. She has the best of motives and reasons, and she is still a bad friend. She is cold. She is unkind. She is quite cruel to [SEQUEL GAME SPOILER CHARACTER], who we AND she knows does not deserve it, but she sees too much of herself in this person and lashes out. We know why she does it. It's still a dick move. We still love Aloy.

(you might think I'd include current hyperfixation smoothbrain vampire on this list. i cannot. he is an asshole on purpose. his minimal goodness is in spite of this, not because of it.)

I'm not for a second going to pretend that I'm a great writer worth bragging about. But it's something I like to do too. My current OC Tav lady is passive and easy-going. This is a flaw. She isn't passive and easy going because she's okay with shit, but because she feels like she can't and has no right to complain. If you give someone a Trait, follow it to its logical end. How is it good? How is it bad?

It isn't that "these characters are flawed" is some plot twist, it isn't that "characters having flaws" is news. It's that in all three examples, these are characters whose positive traits (heroism, love for another) have the side effect of hurting others. These are characters who are sympathetic (Aloy is isolated, Aloy lashes out for understandable reasons) but still make mistakes (being mean to someone who doesn't deserve it).

In the fanfic I was ranting about, there is neither. The person does not make mistakes, does not take their heroic, story-specific flawlessness into this direction. When arguing, they have the moral high ground, but also the flawless composure to not be rude or hurtful or controlling or a little bit rude in making their points. The other characters fall over themselves to apologize, to understand, to feel sorry for opposing them. It isn't just that they have no flaws (a subjective phrase), it's that the universe twists and conforms to them. There are no consequences, no stakes. They are the sun at the center of the universe. And I vastly prefer messy heroes.

[arcadequeerz]

Hi I’m cade n I’m a angry fucking queer 💖😊✌🏻

[kookicat]

To Bid Goodbye to the Past - Part Two

The magnitude of what he's done doesn't hit him until he's stepping into the first class cabin for the plane journey home. He pauses, ignoring the annoyed huff from the passenger behind him, and takes a second to just breathe, because he's pretty sure if he doesn't, he's going to throw up. His legs feel like they don't want to hold him and he braces one hand against the seat beside him while he gets the reaction under control, feeling the shake in his hands. 

The gun is warm from his body, and it feels like the most natural thing in the world to wrap his fingers around the grip, to bring it up-

"Move it, pal," the jerk behind him says, and nudges Eliot hard with his laptop bag. 

It takes an act of will for Eliot not to turn around and rearrange the man's teeth. "Shut the fuck up," he rasps instead, hearing just how on edge he is in his own voice. 

He moves forwards, dropping into his seat, pressing his head back against the cushion, counting breaths until his heart doesn't feel like it's going to explode right out of his chest. Until he can control the shake in his hands. The seat is in its own enclosure, hiding him from the other passengers, and he's damn grateful for that. 

The bastard is dead, he thinks. He can't hurt us again. He can't hurt me again. It hits him again, the relief, and it's so profound he doesn't know if he wants to laugh or sob under the weight of it. In the end, he does neither, just scrubs a hand over his face and pinches his eyes closed while he tucks all of it away in a mental box, to deal with later, when he's somewhere secure. 

Soft footsteps make him open his eyes. A red headed flight attendant is making her way down the aisle towards him. 

"Nervous?" she says, "Don't worry, sir. Flying is really very safe now. Can I get you a drink?" 

He blinks at her, because out of all the things that are likely to kill him, a plane crash is damn low on that list. "Whiskey, on the rocks," he says and forces a smile that feels sickly. The travel and the stress and just the sheer physical effect of seeing Damien Moreau again are starting to bite. His hands ache, a phantom throb that has more to do with his history with guns than any real physical ailment. A naggy headache spreads across his temples, a warning that he needs to sleep and eat. "Do you have any crackers? Something bland?" he asks, because his stomach is a bit unsettled. 

"Sure thing, hon," she says with a smile and heads off. 

He's exhausted but he's too wired to even think about sleeping. The cabin is quiet, just three passengers, and he silently thanks Hardison's genius, because if he'd been in economy, he's pretty sure he'd have lost it by now. The peaceful atmosphere is soothing and he runs through his breathing exercises again, nodding thanks as the flight attendant returns with his drink and a package of peanut butter crackers. 

"There you go, hun," she says and pats him on the arm.

He almost jumps at the unexpected contact, and feels the shake start in his fingers again. "Thank you," he manages to say, and swallows a generous mouthful of the liquor. It burns on the way down, and he relishes the feeling, because it's something he can use to ground himself. 

"Press the button there if you need anything," she says and leaves him. 

He leans back, staring at the ceiling, listening to the engines as they taxi. Despite his best intentions, he's asleep before the big plane makes it into the air. 

----

He knows he's not alone as soon as he steps into his apartment. It's quiet, but the place has a disturbed feel that sets his nerves on edge for a long second before he sniffs and catches the scent of tangerine shampoo and gummy frogs. It's the scent of home to him, lets him relax enough to unclench his fingers from the duffle bag, before the implications hit and he tenses up all over again, just for a very different reason. He scrubs a hand over his face and heads towards the flicker of the TV, because he's never hidden from confrontation and he's not about to start now. 

They're sprawled on the big leather couch, covered in a beautiful cashmere throw gifted to him by Sophie. Just the sight makes fondness bloom in his chest, brings a contented smile to his lips, even if he is worried about how they're going to react to what he did. It's too late to change it, and he wouldn't, even if he had the option, because for the first time in a long time, he can't feel the eyes on the back of his neck, doesn't feel hunted, and that's worth more than he can put into words. He doesn't think they'll hate him, but he's not sure and if they do, he knows it'll break something inside of him that he'll never be able to fix. 

The credits roll on the TV- it's one of the Star Wars movies, though he's too damn tired to remember which one- and he picks up the remote quietly, switching the TV off. 

Parker shifts, eyes opening slowly. "You're back," she says, "Did you kill him?" 

He thinks about lying, denying it, but he's always been truthful with her- apart from the single moment when he let the pain of his past show and begged her for mercy, and that was as much for her benefit as his. 

"Yes," he says and meets her eyes squarely, straightening his shoulders in unconscious reflex. 

A beat passes and he feels his heart rate pick up, feels the prickle as sweat breaks out along the curve of his lower back, because she's studying him like he's a new and particularly perplexing safe. 

"Good," Hardison says, voice heavy with sleep, but clear. "I hope that motherfucker rots in hell." 

"What he said," Parker says, and shifts over, so there's space on the couch for Eliot. 

He sits, because the relief in their simple and straightforward acceptance has gone straight to his knees and it's a choice between sitting and falling down. There's a hundred things he wants to say, defending his actions, explaining them, but there's also a part of him that never wants to think or speak about Damien Moreau ever again and he surrenders to that part, shuddering as the tension leaves him. 

"He was a very bad man," Parker says, and flips the blanket back over them. "Even with him in jail, we weren't safe, were we?" 

"No," Eliot says, tipping his head back against the couch, so he's looking at the ceiling. "It was just a matter of time, before he found a way out and came looking for revenge." He shudders again, for a very different reason, and licks his lips. "And believe me, it wouldn't have been pretty." 

"I'm glad, man," Hardison says. "But-" he pauses, glancing at Eliot, seeing just how much this one cost him. "But I'm sorry it had to be you." 

"I'm not," Eliot says, letting his eyes close. "It was always going to be me. Just a matter of when." 

"I'm disappointed," Parker says, and Eliot peels an eye open to look at her, feeling the sleepy contentment vanish at her serious tone. 

"Why, mama?" Hardison asks, before Eliot can. 

"I didn't get to taze him," she says, and sets them all off laughing. 

[fairycosmos]

tw: emotional abuse

I think about that "do abusers recognize what they're doing is abuse thing" so much. I literally still have so much trauma to this day from my mother just constantly yelling and insulting me for small things but for the past three years or so she's been so nice to me. like we get along so well now and the things that used to happen rarely happen now. I still hold so much resentment because I'm a hater and I think I'm allowed to because it's not like I got any kind of acknowledgement about what I went through (for the record, this is a very weird position to be in with a person that abused you lol). but I always think about if she realized what she was doing was not okay? and if she did realize it, how guilty does she feel? will she ever acknowledge what she did to me? she told me once that she's really worked on her anger issues - which, to her credit, she has - but does she realize what her anger issues did to me when I was younger? I'm pretty good at making people think I'm being open with them when I'm really not, especially with her, so she probably doesn't see any of the effects of emotional abuse that I deal with.

:(( so sorry to hear this love. for what it's worth i think ur totally justified in ur anger and pain like. it truly does not matter if shes worked on herself because that literally doesn't negate what she put you through back then. and one of the main parts of taking accountability is knowing you don't get to be let off the hook for past harm you caused, just because you're now doing better. idc how bitter it makes me LOL i really don't subscribe to the whole "you have to forgive to heal" sort of attitude like it's sooo untrue. anger can be righteous and useful. and closure is never guaranteed either way. and its better to focus on making yourself feel better about your past than to focus on making the abuser feel better about it, that doesn't sound like healing to me. honestly it's a bit weird how much i relate to this now that i'm thinking it over, right down to the pretending to be open part. me and my dad are kinda the same. we get on so well but he was a fucking cunt when i was a kid and he scared the hell out of me - he, too, likes to say he's mellowed with age and that we can't change the past so we might as well move forward. the issue with that, though, is that we only get one childhood and it shapes who we're going to be or the rest of our lives. so of course there is going to be grief and resentment and unresolved hurt there because they caused it. actions have consquences, you know what i mean? it's not our fault they couldn't grasp that when they were being shitty parents back in the day, intentional or not. i'm not saying you need to hate your mam either and i do think it's wonderful that you're able to still have her in your life in a positive way, same with me and my dad. but you don't have to feel bad about being conflicted and you don't have to idk soften what you went through to protect her feelings esp when she hasn't even acknowleged it properly yet. you do not need anyones permission to be hurt by it, least of all hers! idk how you feel about talking openly to her about how she treated you or if that's even an option (totally understandable if not, i'm still stuck in that stage too despite my private feelings on this subject.) but i really hope some day you can get the answers and the genuine apology you deserve. and mostly i hope that you're able to truly grow beyond all of the heaviness and pain she made you internalize with her words and actions, even if it takes you a life time to really get there. it was completely unaccepetable to treat a kid that way and you're not wrong for having a reaction to it. they did know what they were doing to some extent, they must have. they were grown adults and we were children

[mystery-salad]

Hello! I have an OC question for you if you would like one. No worries if not :) I used my lenormand deck to help me out with questions today. For whoever you feel like sharing about!

(17) Stork - How willing are they to help others? Has it ever come back to bite them? If they knew their actions would greatly benefit someone, even if it caused problems for them later, would they still do it?

(@uselessidiotsquad)

Aaaaaaaa thanks for the question, gonna run through the Commander lineup for this!

Laighe would help someone no matter the cost. It's what she does, and even if she's become very rightfully cynical about her job she still wouldn't abandon anyone when they ask for help. It's come back to bite her in the ass several times, but why would those times stop her? Why stop caring and helping on the chance it could lead backlash, when someone needs help? Just because it could hurt her doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do. And putting some good out in the world...it's worth it, has to be worth it.

Cara would help only if it also benefitted them. Far more fun to watch someone flounder and struggle as things go wrong, is it not? Sure they'll save the day and relatively everyone will be safer for it, but if you have an individual problem they're more likely to acknowledge it...then grab some popcorn and watch the tragedy unfold. More fun and entertaining, and less hassle for them!

Matthias depends on the kind of harm it'd do to him unless he's helping @ascalonianpicnic Aildyn, then he'd do anything but shhhhhhhhh. If it's simple shit, some injuries or a little difficulty in life, he can deal with it. He's had worse in life and this heroic selfless persona is what's keeping him away from that worse life. The more he leans into it, the safer he is and that's well worth some risks. But if the kindness he does can tie back to his past, if it can give something away he's hiding or ruin his perfectly crafted reputation? Well, lying is one of his strongsuits and unfortunately painting your cause as lost is a safer bet for him.

Taomesin will help, they'll always help. But there's a big difference between helping because it's right, and helping because you think you have to. Their life hasn't been easy, and though they're starting to really heal from years of conditioning and grooming, reasoning is still a hard thing to grasp. They help because they're the Commander now. They help because their skills mean more than themself. They help because they're of more worth saving you than keeping themself safe.

Kai is on a transformative switch right now! A few years ago it would've been every man for themself, if you need help then you have a problem you shouldn't have gotten yourself into. Kai knows firsthand how few people would actually come to her aid and thes not been inclined to do any favors in return. But...time passes and, with the right people, things heal. She knows she's capable of receiving help, and damn, why not pay it forward sometimes. Even if it bounces back to hurt her later, she's got a team that'll catch her when she stumbles.

Roibird will help! Because it's the right thing to do and (cheerfully) fuck any of you who wouldn't. World's stressful enough and a little risk is worth putting more good into it. Color him an optimist, but it makes a difference to at least one person. Even if it affects nothing else, that person was helped and isn't that reason enough to take some hardship yourself instead?

Joel is a bit funny. Sure it'll help, it will always help. What adverse effects could happen, it'll get hurt or die? Good luck with either of those when most of the world doesn't know what its actual body is! So yeah it'll help, and it'll challenge anyone to try and make that harder on it in the long run.

Ruan would help because it's the right thing to do. Sure there could be consequences, but what doesn't have consequences when you're fighting elder dragons and gods? The world is a scary place sometimes, but we don't have to play into that. We can make it better despite those things, and they can help knowing that in turn they'll have help if this comes back to bite them in the ass. It's well worth it.

Vuisce will help if they're around, but boy is it hard in the first place for that to happen! The tricky thing with Vuisce is their plot is so canon-breaking and the general public is so afraid of them! They could run in to help, and have that help completely rejected. They would help, if people would let them. But most people don't, and they won't push past that just to do a favor. It'd confuse them but hey, if you want to die here, they won't force you to change that. Pity to know people are hurting, but what can you do when your help isn't wanted.

[altairattorney]

In response to your little rant about Homura's depiction in Rebellion, here's this.

"The end of Rebellion is... controversial, but let's unpack what happened here. What occurred?

Well, firstly, Homura was traumatized and tortured; the Homura at the end of Rebellion is not the Homura of PMAS; she's gone through trauma and loss that PMAS!Homura can't even conceive of. She literally turned into a fucking witch because Kyubey gaslit her into thinking she made up Madoka Kaname, according to Wraith Arc.

Then, during this process, she learns two important facts that fucks her worldview: 1) Madoka didn't want to leave her loved ones and give up her normal life if she had any other alternative, and 2) Kyubey is trying to destroy the Law of Cycles (that is, Madoka Kaname), and has figured out a means of stopping her from interacting with Magical Girls under controlled lab conditions, meaning they could eventually succeed in their objective.

That means if Homura let herself go into the Law of Cycles, she would be unable to protect Madoka, and the Incubators would eventually destroy her. Madoka will have been erased and forgotten with nothing to show for it. Homura could only cope with everything with the promise of being reunited with her and the solace that Madoka's sacrifice was worth it, and Kyubey took that away from her.

And, more importantly: Homura's wish had yet to come true. Homura's wish wasn't to be with Madoka, or to save the world. It was to protect Madoka. To be the one to protect her.

To put it in other terms, Homura was self-loathing to the point of suicide-ideation because she was worthless, good for nothing, a burden on everyone. That she should just die. Madoka saw worth in her, and tried to change that, but Madoka died.

Only one person in her entire life ever told Homura she was happy to have met her and this wonderful, kind, happy, heroic, courageous, beautiful, miracle of a person who walked into her life to tell her those words died.

DIED. FOR. HER.

Died to protect her. Died so that a worthless piece of SHIT like herself could live. Someone who had EVERYTHING in the world died with a smile to protect someone who didn't even want to. Not without her.

Not instead of her.

She was good for nothing before and now her mere existence caused the best person she'd ever known to die. She ruined Madoka's entire life by having been a part of it.

She has to fix it. She has the chance to.

She wishes, wishes, WISHES to go back, to unfuck this, to undo this, to be cool like Madoka said she could have been. To protect her. To be her shield. To be WORTH something because she protected something valuble. To pay her back for all her kindness like she'd never been able to do and finally, finally in her life, have done something that justifies everything else.

She didn't wish for Madoka to live. She didn't wish for her to be saved. She wished to be the one to save her so she could support her and reinvent herself as someone who isn't a garbage shit person.

And every single time, she fails.

No matter what she does. No matter how she compromises herself. No matter what disgusting sins she does (and she never crosses so many lines that she says she WOULD cross). Madoka keeps dying.

And most of those times. She dies for Homura. She dies, again, for Homura. She dies again and again and again and again in order to help Homura.

Until the very last time, she wishes to save Homura (and everyone else), so much that she never existed at all.

Dammit. Dammit. DAMMIT. DAMMIT. This is worse this is WORSE THIS IS WORRRRSE!

But she still tries to cope. Madoka's in heaven. She's saving everyone. Madoka had a smile. The world is BETTER, and she'll see her again.

Until the above happened. And Kyubey is going to destroy Madoka Kaname. She won't have ever been born and she won't even be saving Magical Girls. She'll truly be nothing.

Because she came to save Homura, fucking AGAIN.

And all this time she still never saved her. Never ONCE saved her. Not a single time has she ever, ever, EVER fucking saved her. Not ever, has she ever saved her, not even when Madoka made her final fucking wish.

Homura made a wish that never came true. So she never stopped being Good for Nothing. She has never made up for Madoka's kindness. She has never, emotionally, left that moment where she sobbed over Madoka's dead corpse in the water and the rain. And she's done that so many fucking times.

So that's her mindset. So when she saw the chance. She took it. If you can interact with Madoka, you can effect Madoka. So.

God dammit. Fucking for once. Fucking finally. This time, her last chance she'll EVER HAVE... she will save her.

Save Madoka Kaname. Not a vague concept. Not a hero. Not a law or a god. Not a cosmic idea. Madoka. KANAME. The person who smiled at her and said she was cool. The person who helped her buy a cellphone. The kind, wonderful person who loved and named a stray cat and pressed her face to hers and laughed and congratulated her for her accomplishments. The person who said that meeting Homura was her happiest memory.

Why can't this person, of all people, be happy? All Madoka Kaname wanted was to live her fucking life. With her family. With her friends and classmates. Living her day to day life which wasn't anything special but it was so special to her.

She WILL save her. Goddammit, she failed so many times because she always kept holding herself back but if this is her last chance then GODDAMMIT fuck it all, damn herself too.

She never cared, really, about being with Madoka. She was willing to die for her. She explicitly had plans to leave the town to Kyouko after Walpurgisnacht and LEAVE (probably to kill herself so her Witch didn't come for Madoka). She was going to die for her in Rebellion so that she'd be safe from the Incubators.

If she could save her, if she can finally succeed and protect that human smile living her human life, it's fine if Homura Akemi isn't a part of it. If Madoka can smile, she doesn't have to smile at her anymore. That's PERFECTLY FINE.

So she did it. She stole a piece of the Law of Cycles. Not a big piece. Not the Law, or the Power, or the Salvation. The Law of Cycles still functions in some sense, because there's still no Witches, there's still Wraiths, there's still Angels.

She stole "Madoka Kaname", the human being that the Goddess used to be. She stole her, yes. She took over the universe, yes. But what did she do?

She made it so Madoka Kaname existed, again. Reunited with everyone she cared about. She gave Kyouko, Mami, Sayaka, and everyone else the happiest lives she could give them without undoing their pasts (disrespecting their agency and core selves), even if it was only to keep Madoka happy in her silver garden.

She tortures Kyubey but no one's crying tears over that fucker. She seems to be letting the world run its course as naturally as possible, save for suppressing people's memories of what's really going on.

Sayaka, alive. Nagisa, alive. Living with Kyouko and Mami respectively. Madoka, alive.

Hell, the only change she made that we know of to Madoka's memories is three years in America.

Because, canonically, English is Madoka's worst subject.

And now, she's great at it.

No matter what it takes. Madoka Kaname will be happy. She deserves it. And Homura will make that happen, even if she, herself, never is.

But yeah go off about how Homura is a yandere stalker who likes to kill people."

Hey there! I thank you for your post and your insight, and I wanted to clarify that I don't disagree at all with this view of Rebellion and how it ended. I think it is all correct, actually. The problem I have with it is 1. Rebellion existing at all, and 2. the way they portrayed her choice as an act of evil conceived by a demon.

To begin with, there are a few details that I don't think really make sense considering how pmmm worked. Homura shouldn't even be a witch, first of all. Secondly, even though she cannot know for sure, I don't think Homura would have willingly told Kyubey about the world of before if there were any danger. Heck, I don't even understand how Kyubey could possibly have stolen Madoka, now that she is not an entity but a literal concept, a rule of the universe. Imo that is beyond absurd. Third, I am doubtful Homura would have gone against Madoka's wish, even though I totally understand why she did in the context of Rebellion.

The problem I have with Homura is that people thought about her as a yandere emotionless stalker who has an unhealthy obsession with Madoka even before Rebellion existed. That was a popular sentiment, and the big, big problem I have with this film is that while what she did isn't inherently bad or wrong - as you explained - the movie paints her as a LITERAL DEMON in the moment she makes that choice, and ALSO at the exact same time she declares her love canonically. That is so fucked up in so so so many ways. As not literal it may be, they gave her that creepy smile, and show that Madoka is confused in her new bubble and feels like she is someone else but can't remember why. And Homura brushes it off. As wonderful as it is that she is there, Madoka is uncomfortable, Sayaka is obviously enraged and Homura plays the part of the Evil Character.

This is just all so unfair and so wrong. It doesn't only negate the way this anime ended - and of course Homura deserved to go with peace and quiet like everyone else. No magical girl has to ever suffer like that again, including Madoka, right? (There were so many ways to reunite her with Madoka, but no.) It also visibly paints Homura as being on the dark side, and validates the horrific lens people saw her character through even before the film. It canonizes her as a lesbian in the same moment she is doing something clearly framed as wrong, and, on a surface level, reinforces her obsession. This is just a textbook predatory lesbian trope. I am sorry if you don't see it the same way, but it is just horrific to me.

I will never agree with Rebellion existing. I cannot stand the ending of this anime being undone and Homura being punched in the face and further tortured both in universe and as a character, after all the crap she went through. It is just disrespectful.

And as I said, she deserved better.

[liketheinferno2]

lowconcept: *takes up a bat at your side* Think if we hit fast enough we can get them all?

Yeah alright. I'll be honest, I had no idea this character would be "controversial" until I had people leaving bullshit comments on my stuff. He's got the only kind of redemption arc I really like -- raised on propaganda, fucked up, realised he fucked up ON SCREEN, and then focused wholly on undoing past actions for regardless of shattered social status. Guy travels with a man who's promised to kill him if he fucks up again and a rejected youth seemingly trying to keep the peace between them, and his trial series feels like a Greek tragedy punishment where all the ideals he abandoned get twisted and used against loved ones in the time he's unable to come back and help them. And he really can't come back before then, I think people forget this but before Shadowbringers the people who fed him propaganda for his whole life are still leading in government and actively trying to kill him for knowing this.

They didn't have to go this far with the ARR villain, A Realm Reborn is in hindsight a really sloppily written story that doesn't comprehend its own implications and in context there, he's very silly. He's not even the final boss! But far enough in I think someone realised that's a wasted character slot they could turn into something great. If you transpose Gaius' ARR writing forward to, say, Stormblood, where you're supposed to be thinking consciously about WAR CRIMES, it'd be a lot more severe. But at the end of the day I'm really tired of having people talk like WE WILL SPEAK LATER, ASCIAN guy was the worst guy in the game. You see Nero do more meaningless oppressive violence if you really go back and read, now he's funny divorced guy. I blame MSQ roulette.

It especially bothers me when someone's clawing at the walls trying to explain to me that Gaius is irredeemably bad but they're a hardcore Zenos fan or something? I like both these guys, Zenos is one of the few characters I continue to find threatening or even scary sometimes. But if the basis for this is that Gaius was connected to reality so no matter how conscious he is of the weight of his actions or how much more he does than any other character to undo them and stop Garlemald from doing even worse shit now that he's not in charge, it doesn't matter, he'll always be Bad and can't have any narrative worth because he is Bad... I can't stop someone from feeling that way but I can't accept that Zenos being a violent freak who doesn't care about anything besides an idealised pleasure he seeks and thus cannot be swayed by personal, ethical OR political reasons, somehow has the moral highground here. Zenos is willingly piggybacking off of imperial violence just to maybe get a swing at his true goal that might not exist. Emet too, great character but this guy's masterminding said imperial violence while telling himself it only effects fake people who don't exist just to maybe get a swing at his true goal that CANNOT exist.

When I think villain redemption I'm not talking about highschool rival shit, we can do more and better than that. I wonder if people are angry because Gaius isn't a begging scraping apologetic figure but like.. He's too dignified? He's too dignified. He's mature enough to know apologies wouldn't matter, it's something that only serves to elevate your standing with other people and that is not something that someone content enough to die for any future sins would be concerned with. This isn't someone who doesn't care about other people -- we know he does because raising his children to be just as self-sacrificing ends up becoming a catastrophic problem when he's not there to protect them -- but someone who puts that on the backseat to actual tangible action no matter what, because what's a pariah got to lose?

I like this character, it's a breath of fresh air to have someone that much of an adult bashing heads with the rest of the cast. I don't even mean being technically old, there's just a level-headedness you don't really see in anyone else. The vibe is good, for lack of better wording. The gentle ASMR voice. Pairing him up with Estinien for a while was inspired because Estinien is essentially the same kind of guy to Dravania that Gaius was to Eorzea and they're both doing the same redemptive thing about it. Also, Elezen aging notwithstanding Estinien's still a lot older than your average character in this genre of Final Fantasy guy. He's like 36, 37 come Endwalker if we go by the "five years" thing in a certain quest? Kain was 21.

In the end I've done a lot of character comparisons but I sincerely don't understand why people talk about Gaius the way they do when the story is full of guys like him. Women too! Misguided patriotism and/or generalising the enemy as villains based on lies or personal trauma begets horrors. When we go to Garlemald, it's a kind of patriotism that is KILLING people, not just on the offensive but it's literally making them refuse your help and die in the snow. Context I think from the kind of society this guy's come from.

I digress, but it's like the idea of change itself is unforgivable to some people, even in fiction. In the same breath there's a lot of demands for change for other villains and yelling at the writing for not trying, but I wonder if the reaction would be just as sour had that actually happened, y'know? The other factor of course is that people only want to see villains be good if they think they're attractive, which. Look at this man. Fuck you.

Could air my Gaius opinions (positive) but it feels rather...