#happy tuchus

[eretzyisrael]

[angryjewishcockroach]

I have been thinking about this video nonstop since I first saw it on Instagram. I hope everybody has a very happy tuchus!

[Video ID: A Jewish woman (Rabbi Yael Buechler, @midrashmanicures on Instagram) speaks to the camera: We have reached a new low in holiday product fails. This treat box is for Sukkot. It's featured on Amazon and Sukkot is a holiday that doesn't get a lot of love so kudos for having a product for Sukkot. It says Happy Sukkot and in the Hebrew it says--wait for it--tuchus! Happy tuchus! Tuchus is Sukkot spelled backwards. The product clearly wasn't vetted in the Hebrew. This other treat box just says Tuchus. I'm thinking we should create some sort of governing body that "certifies" Jewish holiday products as being "kosher" because this is a new low. Anyway I want to wish you all a very happy Tuchus." The first box she shows is pale green decorated with images of apples, pomegranates, and branches and the words "happy sukkot" and תוכוס. The second treat box is pale orange with a similar motif and the word תוכוס. End ID]

[radarsteddybear]

Happy tuchus

Sadly, Tuchus (Sukkot) has ended, actually. So I hope everyone had a wonderful and very happy Tuchus, and I look forward to an even happier Tuchus next year.

[angryjewishcockroach]

A+ to kveller.com (and also applesauce42069) for spreading the guinea pig sukkah far and wide, but I prefer the caption on the original post:

@aguineapigcouldntdothis

[johnthestitcher]

The joke here - which most people would not get - is these street signs say 'Kishmir Tuchus' - which translates out of Yiddish as 'Kiss My Ass'.

[magnificentmoose]

.

[a-dinosaur-a-day]

inspired by a convo with @siberiantrap

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

have you seen the sukkot “donut holes from dunkin” type boxes (why do we need specific donut hole boxes specifically for sukkot? who’s to say!) amazon is selling that say “tuchus” instead of “sukot” due to the hebrew being written left to right instead of right to left because after I was done laughing at them myself my first thought was “Ed Teach would love these.” Ed giving Stede homemade baked goods in boxes that say “happy tuchus” on them and other beautiful images in my mind

I am so so happy that you brought these to my attention holy shit. I found a couple product listings from the company making them and they're just fantastic all-around on so many levels that could be solved by involving one (1) Jewish person in the process. I've never known any people who need specific gift/food boxes for Sukkot. Some of the product images show people very obviously celebrating Passover and Hanukkah, which are (and this is true), not Sukkot

And for anyone who doesn't speak hebrew/yiddish: tuchus means butt. Ed would ADORE these. My personal favorite is the one that is Hebrew-only text so you've got a cute little box that just says ASS. Happy tuchus is, of course, a classic as well and Ed will naturally be annoying everyone by saying it forever.

I can so see Ed using these to bring Stede cute little pastries and everyone would be like "awwww! what's the occasion? Is there a Jewish holiday right now?" and Stede would have to say no. no he just wanted to use the butt boxes again

[fdelopera]

Moon Knight on Erev Rosh Hashanah

I took part in the Moon Knight mystery swap, and I'm writing this fic for @enigmatist17 !

Since it is New Year's Eve (or New Year's Day depending on when you're reading this), I wanted to write a fic for the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah.

This fic is based on the MacKay comic book series (Moon Knight 2021), and is set several issues before Issue 30.

I wanted to show MK System as an observant Jewish System, since that isn't often explored in depth in the comics. And you just know, Jake "For the People" Lockley is usually the one who schleps their tuchus to shul!

Happy New Year!

✡︎

“We’re not going,” said Marc, shaking his head, trying to push back the emotions coming from Jake and Steven. “Absolutely not. I haven’t been in years. Not since … well, not since that time with dad. And Jake, I think it was mostly you around that time anyway. You always paid more attention in shul.”

Marc felt a familiar pulling sensation from where Jake usually hung around, when he was close to front. And then Jake’s familiar Brooklyn twang said, “Marc, bubbeleh, I could just knock ya out cold and take us there myself, you know. But I want you to be there. This is for you as much as it is for us.”

Marc felt Steven chime in with his nasally Long Island cadence, “We both want this. Jake and I do. Not for dad. Not for the family. For us. For you. We’re the only mishpocheh that matters here.”

“Well, I guess I’m just the odd man out. As per usual.” Marc shook his head, and absentmindedly ran his hands through his hair. Their hair was greasy and unkept from being shoved under the mask. What else was new. They needed a shower. That was usually Steven’s job, but Marc didn’t want to give Steven any chance to front and collude with Jake to drag them to shul. Not now.

Not with tomorrow being the 1st of Tishrei. The first day of Rosh Hashanah.

“I heard that,” said Steven. “And neither Jake nor I are going to force you to go to High Holiday services. But we bought the ticket, everything’s all set up. Central Synagogue has a beautiful service. It won’t be anything like dad’s shul. The music is more contemporary. The Rabbi and the Cantor are both women. They’ve got beautiful voices. You’ll find a way to pout about it, I’m sure, but I know deep down you’ll enjoy it. Trust us.”

“What about Reese and Soldier? What about Greer? Are we really going to leave them alone for days at a time? Just tell them, ‘See you later!’ What if they need me? What if Hunter’s Moon has to track down another one of Black Spectre’s goons?”

Marc felt Jake’s chuckle erupt from deep within, and he heard Jake’s words wash over him with yellow-colored mirth. “Marc, I think a couple of vampires and a cat woman are more than capable of taking care of themselves without you fucking everything up, don’t you think?”

“Marc…” Steven’s voice echoed softly within, a wash of blue concern pushing against the back of their eyes. “Marc, what is this really about.”

“It just feels like a complete waste of time, with everything we’ve got going on.”

“Hey!” Jake’s annoyance came quickly. “You might not take shul seriously, but I do. This is important for us. We’re Jewish, Marc. Whether you like it or not. And as Jews, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are our two most important days. Our holiest days. I know that probably doesn’t mean shit to you anymore…”

“No, no, I’m not saying that…”

“Well, you kinda are. You’re saying that our two holiest days don’t matter for shit. Meanwhile, you’re out on the street, doing the bidding of an Egyptian god.”

“That’s different. I don’t worship Khonshu. I still remember the Aseret Hadibrot, and I know that Number One and Number Two are very important.

“I am the L-rd your G‑d, Who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.

“You shall have no other gods before Me. You shall not make for yourself a graven image, nor any manner of likeness of anything that is in heaven above, that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them, nor serve them. For I the L‑rd your G‑d am a jealous G‑d, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children of the third and fourth generation of them that hate Me; and showing mercy unto the thousandth generation of them that love Me and keep My commandments. (x)

“See? I still remember what dad taught us.”

“Nice, so you can recite the Ten Commandments,” sighed Jake from inside. “But you still don’t seem to understand why it’s important for us to go to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.”

“What I do remember is something dad talked about once… This was a while ago. Before he got sick. He was preparing a d’var Torah for Yom Kippur, and there was something he said…” Marc stopped himself before he thought about it more.

“Marc, what is it? What did he tell you?” Steven’s voice was gentle, his blue concern washed over them again.

“You already know, Steven.”

“Well, why don’t you say it, then.”

“It’s silly. Just a stupid thing. Something I heard dad say once. It just, got me thinking. About us. About me.”

“If it’s silly, then why are you trembling now?”

“I dunno. Maybe I still worry that it’s true.”

“Well, why don’t you talk to us about it? We can work through it together.”

Marc sighed and rolled his eyes. “This is fucking ridiculous. It’s not that big a deal.”

“Marc, bubbeleh…” Jake’s thoughts were soft. “C’mon. Try us.”

“Fine. I have to find it.”

Marc grabbed his phone and searched Sefaria for the specific passage. “It was just this one commentary in the Talmud. About Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Here it is. You’ll see how dumb this is. Really.” He sighed dramatically, but he couldn’t quite keep the tremble from his voice.

“The Gemara goes back to discuss the Day of Judgment. Rabbi Kruspedai said that Rabbi Yoḥanan ben Napacha said: Three books are opened on Rosh Hashanah before the Holy One, Blessed be He: One of wholly wicked people, and one of wholly righteous people, and one of middling people whose good and bad deeds are equally balanced. Wholly righteous people are immediately written and sealed for life; wholly wicked people are immediately written and sealed for death; and middling people are left with their judgment suspended from Rosh Hashanah until Yom Kippur, their fate remaining undecided. If they merit, through the good deeds and mitzvot that they perform during this period, they are written for life; if they do not so merit, they are written for death.” (x)

Marc sighed. “That’s it. You get it? That’s why I’m worried.”

“And what about this worries you, Marc?” Steven’s thoughts were patient, even as Marc’s emotions started to rise.

“I’m scared. I’m terrified that something awful is gonna happen. I’m fucking terrified that I’ll be inscribed as one of these ‘Wholly Wicked’ people. Steven, you’ll be fine. You’re one of the ‘Middling People’ after all.”

“Ha! Very funny Marc. And I guess that makes Jake one of the Righteous few.”

“Damn straight I am!” laughed Jake.

“You are, Jake. Jake ‘For the People’ Lockley, of course you’ll be among the Righteous. But me? I dunno. Somehow I’m convinced that if I go to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, I’m going to die.”

“Marc…”

“Yeah, Steven?”

“Headmates can’t die, Marc. At least, not without the body dying. And so long as you’re not planning on jumping out of a third story window…”

“No, no. It’s not that. I don’t know what it is. I just feel. Overwhelmed. By something. Something is weighing me down. I know headmates can’t die, or at least, not like that. But I just feel like something is coming for me.”

“Marc, what you’re feeling is grief. And guilt. And shame,” said Jake, his voice softer now. “We need to practice Teshuvah. Repentance. Being wrong. Telling the people we’ve hurt that we know we’re wrong. Explaining why we’re wrong. Asking for their forgiveness. Asking three separate times. Being prepared for them to say no each time. Being prepared to walk away. For that to be the closure we get. But Marc, we gotta start somewhere.” (x)

“I'd rather get punched in the face. Actually, I’d rather take a thousand hits than go through that.”

“Yeah, buddy. I know you would. But we don’t got that choice. Not when it’s the thing that is keeping us from being a Jew. Not when you believe that you are literally going to die because of your feelings of guilt and shame. We need Teshuvah.”

Jake sighed deeply from within. “Marc, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are sacred. They have always been our holiest days. Our Ten Days of Repentance. The Days of Awe. But do you know why they are so important?”

“Probably. I’m sure dad told us.”

“Because of Rabban Yochanan ben Zakkai.” (x) (x)

“Wait, which one was he?”

“Ribaz. He’s the rabbi who pretty much saved Judaism.”

“Oh. Right. After the Temple…”

“Yes. The Temple. This is how dad used to tell it...

"After the Romans besieged Jerusalem. After they set fire to the Beit Hamikdash, our holy Temple. When we had no place left to offer up sacrifices to G-d. What would we do? Especially on Yom Kippur. Without the sacrifices at the Temple, how would the Jewish people be able to repent? How would we be forgiven of our sins each year? How would we continue to be Jews?

“Ribaz was a wise old rabbi. He stood and wept as he watched the Temple burn. The flames went higher and higher, late into the night, casting evil shadows upon the land. And he looked to the Tanakh for guidance. He turned to the Nevi’im. To Hoshea. And there he found the wisdom he sought.”

“For I desire lovingkindness, not sacrifice; devotion to God, rather than burnt offerings.” (x)

“I remember,” muttered Marc, his thoughts blending with Jake's, remembering their father’s voice. “Hoshea 6:6. And with that, he knew how we would carry on as Jews. We would offer up lovingkindness, prayer, and Torah study. That is how we show our devotion to G-d.”

“Yes!” thought Jake, nudging Marc from the headspace. “And that’s why we gotta go to shul tomorrow. Ribaz didn’t save Judaism just for us to be a slouch about it! So we gotta go to shul tomorrow to get our name in the Book of Life. So we can be sealed on Yom Kippur. So we can start the process of doing Teshuvah. We gotta reach out to Frenchie, Marc. And I miss Gena and Crawley so damn much. It’s gonna be really hard. But we gotta start somewhere. We gotta start repenting to them. And we gotta mean it this time. Let go of some of that ego you carry around your neck. It’s weighing all of us down.”

“Jake’s right,” thought Steven. “We don’t know what the future will bring, Marc. But we gotta start.”

Steven began humming a tune that pushed out in little breaths through Marc’s voice. It was a tune that Marc knew but couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“What is that?” thought Marc, directing the question at Steven. “That sounds like…”

Steven pushed closer to front, and continued humming, a little louder this time. Some words came through Marc’s lips in Steven’s voice.

“Who by fire? And who by water? … Hmmm hmmm hmmmm… and hmmmm hmmm hmmmmm…”

Marc coughed, cutting off Steven’s song for a minute. “Oh, it’s Leonard Cohen.”

Marc could feel Steven’s smile from inside the headspace. “That’s right, Marc. And you know what it is, right?”

“I do. Yeah. Yeah. Who shall live and who shall die. His version of the Unetaneh Tokef prayer.” Marc began to sing softly. (x) (x)

And who by fire?

Who by water?

Who in the sunshine?

Who in the night time?

Who by high ordeal?

Who by common trial?

Who in your merry merry month of May?

Who by very slow decay?

And who shall I say is calling?

“But teshuvah, tefillah, and tzedakah shall avert the severe decree.” Marc took a deep breath. “I’ll go. I will. For Ribaz. And I’ll do it for you Jake… I’d do anything for you. You know that. And yeah, you too Steven. Even though you’re a pain in my ass. I’ll do it for you. We’re mishpocheh.”

“And for you, Marc?” asked Steven, whispering the words through their lips.

“Huh. Okay. Fine. For me too. I’ll go be a good Jew. Ha! Dad would be so proud.”

“We’re not doing it for him,” thought Jake.

“No. Okay, no. You’re right. We’re not. I’m not. We’re mishpocheh. We’re doing this for us.”

[frances-baby-houseman]

Happy Tuchus to all who celebrate

[theycallme-thejackal]

Continuation of Joel meeting “Midge’s boyfriend”!

Pairing: Lenny Bruce & Midge Maisel Rated T

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Lenny hasn't been to a proper seder in a years.

He's not a particularly religious person. He thinks there may be a god, but with the way things were going in his life before he met Midge, he figured either God hated him or didn't exist.

Right now he's leaning toward the God-hating-him conclusion. Because Joel Maisel is sitting a few seats down the table and staring daggers into Lenny's head.

Aside from Joel, Lenny actually likes everyone here tonight. Mei is nice - a little brusque, but she keeps up. Noah is pretty cool for a spook, and his wife, though a little high-strung, is sweet and interested in the people around her. As for Moishe and Shirley, they're loud, they're obnoxious, and Lenny is ridiculously entertained by both of them.

How these two very funny, very friendly people created the schmuck Joel Maisel is beyond understanding.

Lenny doesn't get it. The guy left Midge. He's supposedly happy with his doctor girlfriend (also very nice, and she keeps up with the banter), so why is he so bothered by Midge being in a new relationship?

Shirley spoons some more tzimmes onto Lenny's plate, and he laughs. "You're all skin and bones," she reasons loudly. "We need to fatten up your tuchus."

Midge laughs. "I like his skinny tuchus," she teases, squeezing his shoulder.

Joel throws his napkin onto his plate and leaves the table, storming out of the dining room. The table collectively goes silent, a pleasant dinner brought to a grinding halt, and next to him Midge sighs. "I should - "

"No," Rose says simply. "Astrid, will you please pass the kugel?"

Astrid's face lights up, and she does as she's asked, and a short while later, the table is back to talking as though everything is normal.

Lenny leans toward Midge. "I'll be right back," he whispers, kissing her on the cheek. She smiles at him, and he goes.

He finds Joel in Abe and Rose's room, sitting on the chair in the corner and staring off into space. Lenny puts his hands in his pockets and leans on the door frame. "So...you don't like me," he starts.

Joel scoffs and doesn't look at him. "Why didn't she tell me it was you?"

"Does it make a difference whether it's me or some other guy?"

"Yes, it makes a fucking difference," Joel insists, turning his head to meet Lenny's eyes. "Because if it weren't for me, she wouldn't have even known who you were!"

At the raising of Joel's voice, Lenny steps into the room and closes the door. "You left her," he reminds him. "Did you just expect her to sit around and pine for you for the rest of her life?"

"No, I just - " Joel sighs and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I used to idolize you, man. I had - still have all your records. I used to think I was gonna be the next Lenny Bruce."

Lenny moves further into the room, sitting on the end of the bed in front of the younger man. Joel looks up at him. "I gotta ask...when did it start?"

"We've been dating about a month," Lenny answers.

"That's not what I asked," Joel responds. "I see the way you two look at each other. You're in love with her." Lenny considers denying it for a moment, but then he just nods. "When did it start?"

Lenny rubs his hand over his mouth, wishing he had a cigarette. "I fell in love with her around the time she got the Baldwin gig," he answers, and Joel looks shocked at that. "But nothing happened until November. And then I went to rehab for a couple months, and when I got back, we sort of...picked up where we left off.:

"November," Joel repeats, and after a few seconds he groans, burying his face in his hands. "So...when Pop was in the hospital. And we didn't know if he was going to die, Midge was having sex with Lenny fucking Bruce?" His voice gets a little higher at the end.

"It wasn't planned," Lenny explains evenly. "The club where she was working - "

"The Wolford," Joel interjects.

"Yeah. The Wolf was raided. I happened to be there because the last time I saw her I was...I was an ass. So I went to apologize, the place was raided, and because there was a blizzard, I had to get us to shelter."

"In your apartment. Where you had sex with my ex-wife."

Lenny considers correcting him, but decides saying his hotel room will probably sound much sleazier. "Yes," he answers instead. "Again, not planned."

"It feels like revenge," Joel admits after a long moment, and Lenny raises his brows. "Taking comedy wasn't enough, she had to pick you."

"Sorry, Joel, but you're really not my type."

Joel cracks a little bit of a grin at that. "So many of her choices feel like they're meant to take shots at me."

Lenny leans on his knees. "Okay, let's say she is taking revenge on you - hypothetically. Let's say you left, and she decided she was going to become a fantastic comic and make your comedy idol fall in love with her just so you'd have to suffer through holiday dinners with him. Could you blame her?"

"What?" Joel spits.

"You left her. And you didn't just leave, you fucking nuked your marriage. You had an affair for months before leaving a woman who took care of you and gave you two kids and made brisket to bribe Baz to give you better time slots. And you never apologized."

"I did!"

"Not according to Midge," Lenny says. "And you and I both know Midge has a mind like a steel trap." Joel deflates a little at that. "Now, if I stay here any longer, our girlfriends are gonna think you and I are having an affair, so I'm gonna just - " He jerks his thumb toward the door.

"'kay," Joel replies. "Just, uh...I just need a few more minutes."

Lenny nods. "Sure. I'm just gonna go back and try to stop your mother from fattening my ass up."

"I've seen your ass - it could use some fattening."

"Fuck you, Joel," Lenny retorts with a laugh.

"Fuck you too, Lenny."

[angryjewishcockroach]

A follow-up to Amazon's Happy Tuchus treat boxes 🍋

[Video ID: A Jewish woman (Rabbi Yael Buechler, @midrashmanicures on Instagram) speaks to the camera sitting inside a pop-up tent decorated like a sukkah: "I just got this super cute pop-up Sukkah on Amazon. It was really easy to assemble, and it even comes with these pre-cut paper slips for making paper chains for your Sukkah. Adorable. The Sukkah is perfect. Except for one slight issue. It read Sameach Hanukkah. Happy Hanukkah. It actually says Hanukkah Happy! Are we celebrating Hanukkah in the Sukkah? I doubt the makers of this product know this, but according to the Book of Maccabees Hanukkah is actually based off of the holiday of Sukkot. You see, when we rededicated the temple in Jerusalem we celebrated we had most recently missed. So sort of like Christmas in July, Hanukkah is like Sukkot in the winter. In any event I want to wish you a Sameach Hanukkah and continued Happy Tuchus." At the end of the video, she pulls out a pale orange treat box that reads תוכוס. End ID]

[radarsteddybear]

Guess who’s got two thumbs and now owns TWO Hanukkah sweaters?

THIS gal!!!!!!!!!!!

[olliedollie1204]

OP of that "happy and healthy tuchus" post is a Zionist

ugh ur right, ty

[galaxyafterdark]

Part 2 of January’s art!

1- Starry eyes of old model

2- Happy Debut art for ShiaBun on Twitter!

3- YIPPEE! Affiliate art!

4- Buncha being a POOT pony

5- Art for my Dead Space Let’s Play (for one day)

6- BasilWoof’s big tuchus

So rather than struggle with posting things 1 by 1, I’m just gonna post ALLLLLL the art I’ve posted month to month!

1- My debut booty announcement~

2- Shaema from Twitch

3-More Debut announcements

4- @bunchata getting ready to pass DA JOOSE

5- BasilWoof and BooTheRat from Twitch

6- Brooklyn for Buncha!

7- Promo art for Later Gator Let’s play

8- Arva69 from Twitch

9- Executive dysfunction

10- Pre debut ShiaBun and Buffpup on twitch

PART 1!

[bythenineshards]

So... How is Eris a villain or portrayed as one? Like for real? How is not helping Mor such a crime?

(Spoilers for The Dragon Prince)

Now I'm a cynical person. History is not pretty and neither is a lot of fantasy books. I've always been the sort to admire those willing to do their duty over those who shirk it. For example, the trope of princesses sabotaging political alliances to marry for love make me groan. It always felt selfish that someone who has basically one job and gets to spend their days in luxury is admired for putting their own desires over the needs of their people. There are very few who do what is expected of them and I'm always shocked by it. As a child, the first was Princess Annelise from Princess and the Pauper. She doesn't want to marry King but her people need his wealth. The next example is fairly recent. When I started The Dragon Prince, I expected to dislike Prince Ezran. There are rarely children characters that young that I like. Ezran surprised me. Upon finding out his father was assassinated, he departs the journey he's on and goes home. A ten year old boy goes home to take the throne amidst a brewing war because it's his duty. It doesn't go well but my point stands. He was more than willing to do what was expected of him. So why can't Mor?

Now, based on Maas' former Pinterest boards, Mor wasn't planned to be Lgbt. I am not going to pretend she was. Mor's sexual identity was the biggest, sloppiest retcon I've ever seen in a book. My point is about responsibility and the expectation of those in power. This is not about sexual preference or love. Do you think a lot of the women forced into political marriages wanted to be there?

Mor had a responsibility as nobility to secure an alliance with the Autumn Court. But like a Disney princess she willfully sabotages that alliance. After she sleeps with Cassian the agreement is broken (what she wanted) and she is punished. What did she think would happen? She knows her family. Did she think they'd slap her on the back and be all happy for her girlbossness? Hell no. And after she's tortured and left for dead, somehow Eris is the villain? She made it very clear she wanted nothing to do with him? He's supposed to jeopardize himself for her? This is the consequences of her actions. Not his.

You may be thinking "Holly, that's so cruel and jaded and bitter! The evil thing he did was leave her there!" And my response to this would be: Yeah? So?

What was Mor doing during the fifty years Amarantha cursed everyone? Sitting on her tuchus in Velaris. Doing jack shit. She let people die when she had the power to save them or even just help. The mOrRiGaN did nothing. And you know what? The people getting hurt (by her High Lord no less) did nothing to cause it. The one person to do anything that warranted retaliation was Tamlin and his big stupid mouth. Mor let god knows how many people die while she did nothing.

Yeah, I have no sympathy for Mor even without the full story. Sorry.