#happy 16 years in limbo

[withleeknow]

wishful thinking. (06)

chapter six: like lightning

summary: the instruction was plain and simple: no strings attached. but you should’ve known from the beginning that it could never apply to you and him.

pairing: minho x f!reader rating: 18+ (minors dni) genres/warnings: friends to lovers, friends with benefits au, college au; fluff, angst, smut; mentions of sex, swearing, this chapter is also pretty mild in terms of warnings? the angst begins here tho !!! could've been more edited but yk lol word count: 4.9k

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

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If I never laid eyes on you Would I feel something missing? If you never laid eyes on me Would you know something’s gone?

Happy Accidents - Saint Motel

You don't know if you've ever changed, even once, in your life.

You feel like you're still 8 years old and your best friend is the neighbors' elderly dog that they let you play with every weekend. She's a golden retriever, and she would stand taller than you if she could walk on two legs.

You're still 16 and your happiest memories are of a boy who doesn't love you back. But all of your friends say that he does, and oh, how much you want to believe that their words are true.

And at the same time, you're 22, just a few months shy of 23, sitting in front of a canvas showcasing your own bleeding heart. Your growing pains, laid out by acrylics and gentle brush strokes. You liken yourself to the figure in front of you, the one that's standing in the corner of your painting, overlooking a sea of blues and grays. There's a piece of you that's left behind in everything you create. Sometimes, you leave it there on purpose, a memorabilia for your future self to look back at fondly.

You think of everything in your life that has changed and how you're the only thing that has managed to remain the same. The dog eventually dies and the boy moves on with his life. The passage of time is relentless but you seem to be the only one who can't keep up with the tireless flow. You're always running in place, always stuck behind in the end. There's a past in which you still live, one where you don’t know if you'll ever make it out of.

You think of home and the search comes up empty, like it does every single time. Home isn't here inside of your own body, nor is it within the four walls of your childhood bedroom. You've never felt like you belong anywhere. Everything is always fluctuating, constantly and unabatingly spinning and spinning and spinning when all you're asking for is a minute to stand still and catch your breath.

Home isn't always a place, that much you know. Maybe home isn't even a thing that you build but something that you find, in a person or a touch, in a feeling or a scent. Perhaps that's the problem, isn't it? Home is something you find, and you've spent your whole life searching.

People say your early 20s are supposed to be the best years of your life but that sentiment has never resonated with you. These are the years that you spend in excruciating limbo, where you're not an adult but you're forced to be anyway. The years where loneliness is an invisible friend that shadows you day in and day out, a presence you don’t want around but can't seem to shake off, a haunting that's far too gentle to be considered such. These aren't your best years; these are your saddest years.

None of it helps build character. It just hurts.

It hurts. You accept that it hurts. You keep on living, always accompanied by the hurt. At some point, it stops bothering you as much; you've grown numb to the way it stings, but it doesn't mean that there aren't days where you're pierced with a sudden and debilitating hollowness in your chest.

Here you are, half an adult but still a child, wondering if you know anything more than you did when you were 8.

You just want to go home, but you don't know where home is.

You look at the small pool of yellow acrylic paint that's been sitting on your palette for a while now. It feels so out of place among the other insipid tones, even though that has always been your intention - a burst of life amidst a sea of blues.

You don't think about anything in particular when your fingers pick up a brush and dab it in a generous amount of paint. It doesn't make much sense, but it feels right. You don't think about anything in particular when your hand smears the color on the cavas, on the figure, a startling stroke right in the center of her chest, contrasting all of the dulls and darkness surrounding.

Though, you do think of him afterward. Of him and daffodils and spring.

The rest of your friends are already present when you and Felix show up at Chan and Jess' shared apartment, holding boxes of pizzas and a case of beer.

It's a cute tradition that was started last year, when all of you promised to gather the final Friday of every month to have a cozy little dinner party among yourselves. It usually takes place at Chan's, since his apartment is bigger than the rest of yours, and because him and Jess are practically the parents of the group anyway.

The second you step into the living room, a chorus of groans erupts all around. Hyunjin and Jisung are the most vocal petulant babies, pouting from their seats, complaining that you two took too long and that they've been starving for hours.

You and Felix shrug off your jackets before delegating the tasks to the lot of them, since you were in charge of picking up the food for tonight. Minho and Seungmin grabbing plates and cups from the kitchen for Changbin and Jeongin to set on Chan's large coffee table.

You opt for a seat on the carpeted floor, next to the spot on the cream-colored couch where Minho left his phone, feeling more comfortable this way since the table is a little low for your liking. They come back a few minutes later, and you smile up at Minho when he reclaims his seat on the couch.

"Hi." He smiles back, smoothing a hand over your hair in greeting.

"Hi," you say. Even a touch so simple warms you up from the outside chill you were in mere minutes ago. No one else notices his lingering hand on you, or it's just such a you and Minho thing to be mildly affectionate with each other that the others don't care to comment on anymore.

You all fall into easy conversation soon after everyone starts digging in, chatting amongst yourselves as you always do. You and Hyunjin lament about your respective projects, reiterating the frustration that you've already expressed through your texts for the zillionth time. Chan and Jess nag Jeongin about introducing his girlfriend to the group, to which the younger one responds with an exaggerated groan as one would when their parents ask about grandchildren, though he does placate them by promising to bring her along the next time there's a party.

You don't care enough to tune into Minho's conversation with Changbin and Felix about the new gym they started going to. You do, however, catch Changbin's attempt to tease Minho. A playful scoff, followed by, "Minho lost his abs ages ago."

Your response is automatic and therefore, it doesn't warrant much thought from you before the words are tumbling out of your mouth. "No, he has abs. They're still there."

You don't recognize the weight of your words until you notice all chatter has halted, and you look up to find all eyes on you.

"How do you know that?" Jeongin is the one to voice everyone's collective thought, puzzled, a little surprised.

"Yeah, isn't Minho notoriously weird about that stuff?" Felix adds.

You blink in a daze, and you don't know if your face is reddening because of embarrassment but you sure hope that it isn't. The mouthful you're munching on gives you a reason to stall, your reputation of being a slow eater makes the excuse more believable when you don't answer right away.

As subtly as you can, you nudge Minho's leg with an elbow. He just laughs, though you're pretty certain he can tell that you're internally freaking out.

"I was walking her home from class a few weeks ago and we got caught in the rain. She let me come up to her apartment to change," he says calmly.

You remember that day. He was walking you from campus back to yours, so that part was true. But it didn't start raining until you were both sheltered in the comfort of your apartment, with him on top of you as he fucked you nice and slow on the couch. You didn't know when the rain stopped, but it must've been some time during your shower that you offered him to join with the innocent intention of cleaning yourselves up and saving water, only for him to end up on his knees with his face between your legs and his fingers buried deep inside of you. He'd made you come three times that afternoon, then took you out to udon afterward.

"And you just... changed in the middle of her living room or something?" Changbin asks, his eyes narrowing slightly.

Minho shrugs, completely nonchalant. "Yeah."

The silence in the room persists as you swallow down the bite. Their stare lingers on the pair of you, then they turn to look at each other like they're speaking a secret language that you're unfamiliar with. Why is it such a scandalous thing for you to see Minho without a shirt? You've seen your other guy friends shirtless numerous times before, when all of you are hanging out in someone's apartment on particularly hot summer days.

Though, they aren't wrong. The arrangement between the two of you muddles your memory, but you don't really remember seeing Minho flaunt his bare skin often before.

You're about to squeeze out a weak response to aid Minho's explanation, but your friends just start nodding along in acceptance.

"I guess that makes sense. If there's anyone who would see him naked, it'd be Y/N."

This definitely makes you blush. Minho laughs again.

"What?! I did not see him naked."

Well, look who's a liar now?

"Y/N, and whoever he's banging," Hyunjin supplies, which seriously doesn't help the flush on your cheeks at all.

"Why would it make sense that it was me?" you protest.

"Because you're his favorite." Jess is the one who answers, to which the rest of your friends all hum in agreement. The way they're reacting makes it seem as though it's just a fact of life that you're Minho's favorite, and that whatever boundary he lets you cross or whatever rule he breaks when it comes to you is simply a result of this fact.

Not once has it crossed your mind that everyone might have a favorite person in the group, but now that it's been said, you quickly conclude that Minho would be your favorite too (your secret arrangement notwithstanding.)

You glance up at him, seeking reassurance with a curious blink. "Am I?"

"You're alright," is what he tells you in lieu of a confirmation. "The least annoying one."

And you don't know if it's the way he speaks ever so gently when he looks at you or how his lips curl up in a knowing smile that sends a tingle of warmth down your spine. Or perhaps the culprit is the softness in his sharp eyes that makes you a little dizzy, makes a pair of butterflies go rampant at the pit of your stomach, as though they're prepared to soar when the ardor of spring begins to thaw the winter frost.

Chan laughs, "That's practically a declaration of love from Minho."

At one point, Hyunjin looks around and comments with a mouth stuffed full of pizza, "Wow. We are literally perfectly divided."

All eyes fall onto him, clearly no one is catching his drift.

Hyunjin swallows his food and washes it down with a big sip of beer before gesturing vaguely at the group, "All the singles are on the floor."

You look at the people on the couch while they stare back at you, Hyunjin, Seungmin, Changbin and Felix sitting comfortably on the fluffy rug.

"I'm single," Jisung says, pointing at himself. "Should I get on the floor?"

"No, you're not," Seungmin says flatly.

"What?"

"Didn't you get back together with your ex girlfriend?"

"What?" Jisung practically squeaks out. "Man, what are you talking about?"

"I live with you. We literally share a wall. I heard you last week. The whole two hours."

“You were home?!”

"My shoes were by the door. I had dishes in the sink. I went to the bathroom to pee several times."

Jisung gasps, growing redder and redder as more eyes start diverting their attention to him. He opens his mouth only to promptly close it as he thinks of what to say. Repeats the process a few times. "We didn't hear you. You never said anything," is what he settles on stuttering out. Then, "Why didn't you bring it up? Why do you have to air out my dirty laundry now?"

"It's more entertaining to embarrass you in front of everyone." Seungmin shrugs, and ignores Changbin's subsequent comment calling him a pervert. "And no wonder you didn't hear me. You were going at it like you were rabid."

"Wait," Jeongin says, "when did you even get back together?"

"We didn't. It's complicated! We're just… y'know…"

When Jisung trails off sheepishly with the bright blush still apparent on his cheeks, Minho cuts in, finishing his sentence bluntly, "Boning."

You send him a glare from where you're seated on the floor, to which he just gives you a lopsided grin and nudges you with his knee.

While everyone else is busy bombarding Jisung with questions on potentially getting back together with his ex, Minho quietly slithers down to the floor like a stealthy cat, squeezing himself into the space between you and Felix. Minho rests his arm behind you on the couch, leaving it stretched out comfortably on the cushions, just lightly touching your back. Usually, when you two are alone, he would have his arm wrapped around your shoulders so he could pull you close, until you're safely tucked into his side where you would remain on most of your evenings spent together. But for now, he leaves his arm where it grazes you only slightly as you sit among friends, with the exception of his hand reaching to play with your hair once in a while.

"Hey!" Hyunjin practically screeches, pointing at Minho when he notices. "Why did you get on the floor?"

"What?" Minho asks innocently. "You said the singles are on the floor."

"You're not single. You have a girlfriend."

"I don't have a girlfriend."

Hyunjin scoffs. "You have a sneaky link."

"Hmm, not the same as a girlfriend."

"Why can't you just tell us, man? There's gotta be something else you're hiding."

You stay quiet, still as a statue while they bicker back and forth, like the mere motion of your breathing could give your secret away. You don't doubt that Hyunjin has been hounding Minho about his new discovery ever since the night of Yeonjun's party, but Minho seems unfazed about it, evading Hyunjin's badgering with a calm composure that's distinct to no one else.

You excuse yourself to the bathroom, quickly shuffling away as if your absence at the table would help make things seem less suspicious for Minho. You splash some water on your face, wait for a while until it feels like an appropriate amount of time has passed for them to have already moved onto another topic. You are, quite literally, hiding from your own friends.

Moments later, you re-enter the room with gentle footsteps and a certain tension in your spine, but you soon grow relieved when you find that the conversation has somehow shifted to Seungmin and his on-again off-again not-girlfriend, about which he just seems kinda sad for a few seconds before he's telling everyone to fuck off and mind their own business, always quick to conceal any and all emotions. He's similar to you in that way, you suppose.

You sit back down next to Minho who's still on the floor, though you put a little distance between your bodies that wasn't previously there. You don't know if it's enough to be noticeable, but he does look at you for a brief moment before leaning a bit closer, asking softly so only you could hear, "Walk you home later?"

You embark on the familiar route from Chan and Jess' place back to yours. It's not that late, barely even 10PM on a Friday night, but the streets are almost deserted. Barely anyone tipsily roaming the streets with their friends in tow; just a few cars passing by every now and then. You relish in the peace and quiet, sighing softly to yourself as you walk in the crisp evening air.

Minho takes casual strides next to you, letting his hand brush against your hand for a while until his pinky finds its way around yours. The tranquility of the city is nice, but being with Minho is even nicer.

Just some of the stars have come out to play, though the way they gleam and glimmer is enough to make up for what they lack in numbers. It's easy to get lost tonight, when you're looking up at an infinite sky with little light and only Minho's pinky hooked around yours like an anchor to guide you back home.

In the grand scheme of things, you're just a speck of dust. You're young and confused - 23 is still a child in your mind - and most of all, you're insignificant. Not in a self-disparaging way. Maybe in the literal sense of the word would be more accurate.

You are insignificant, merely a face among billions of faces. In a crowd of hundreds, or maybe only dozens, you're not someone who would stand out and be picked. Sometimes, it's nice to blend right in and hide in plain sight; you don't particularly enjoy being under the spotlight anyway. But sometimes, it's lonely to be just a drop in the ocean. You could sink right to the bottom and no one would even notice.

Maybe that's why you enjoy being around Minho so much. He makes you feel safe, and seen, like you matter in the end. He makes you feel like if you were to disappear one day, there's a person out there who would go to the ends of the earth in search of you.

You hope that he sticks around, that he wants to be in your life for as long as you can have him. You're not sure what it is that makes you sick to your stomach at the mere thought of losing him; perhaps because you know you will never come across another one like Minho in your lifetime. There's nobody else that can make you feel the same way he does.

I don't want to lose you. You're the only good thing I have.

An intersection, two left turns, and your apartment building comes into view all too soon.

"Wanna come up?" you ask bashfully. The streetlights do a good job at masking your light flush.

"I can't tonight," he says, a little apologetic. "I'm going to my parents' house first thing in the morning."

"Oh." You're disappointed for no specific reason. Sure, you were practically glued to Minho's side for most of the evening, but you were also surrounded by the very friends who are unaware that you two have been sneaking around behind their backs. It's been about over a week since you hung out with him alone, which isn't that long ago by any means, but still. "For the weekend?"

"Yeah, just for the weekend."

There's a selfish urge, just a tiny one, to ask him to come for a while anyway, maybe only twenty minutes or so, but you swallow it down and wave it away. "Okay, have fun. Say hi to the cats for me."

"I'll send you pictures," he tells you. "They miss you, y'know."

You smile at that, laughing a little. "They've met me once."

Last fall, you and your friends all took a weekend trip to Minho's childhood home for his birthday. It was fun for you, though you're not sure how much his parents actually enjoyed it, considering they had to house and feed almost a dozen kids that weren't their own. You remember the cats, of course you do, and how Soonie took an immediate liking to you, how he mostly hovered around your personal space whenever you were in the house.

"No, seriously. My mom says Soonie meows your name once a day."

You throw him an eye roll, accompanied by a light punch to his shoulder.

"Goodnight, Min," you say. "Text me when you get home."

"Okay."

Even after that, the two of you still stay rooted to the spot, your pinkies interlocked. Minho's gaze doesn't leave your face, and for a moment there, it feels like most of the stars didn't show up because they all left to gather in his eyes.

"Can't go up if you don't let me,” you quip, glancing at your hands, knowing full well that you can easily retract your finger if you want to.

His eyes stay on you for just a moment longer. "Let me kiss you," he asks softly, releasing your pinky only to take your hand in his, tugging you closer until you’re all up in each other's personal space.

You blink at him, your heart caught somewhere in your throat. You're close enough that you can feel the warmth radiating off his body. "Min…" you murmur but you don't actually know what you want to tell him, so the nickname hangs like an idle lantern in the bubble of space between your faces.

"Just a goodnight kiss."

"Friends don't kiss," you say meekly, reminiscent of your conversation over a week ago.

"Friends don't have sex either," he repeats.

"But we’re not having sex."

"You asked me to come upstairs. What do you think we would've done?"

And he's right. If he had agreed to come up, then you would probably be pressed against the door right now, with his hands trailing down your body, removing every article of clothing they find, his lips kissing every exposed patch of skin along the way.

Minho would've been kissing you regardless - anywhere and everywhere, and you wouldn't have had any qualms about it like you do right now, even though you want to kiss him too.

"Maybe I wanted you to come up to make you peel tangerines for me while we watch a movie."

He says nothing to that, only grins amusedly and leans in to nudge his nose against yours. It's so cute that you can't help but mirror the quirk of his lips. You're sure that no one else gets to see this version of him - the one that boops you like an overly affectionate cat and smiles like you're his favorite person not just in your little group, but in the whole wide world.

"I haven't kissed you all week," he murmurs, his voice so gentle in the quietude that surrounds you. "You were right there but I couldn't kiss you all night."

You lose yourself in his brown eyes, the same eyes that hold nothing but sincerity and fondness for you. The stars here are brighter than the ones overhead.

"Let me kiss you," Minho says, "please?"

You cave. Of course you do.

The first glide of his lips over yours has you weak in the knees. Something sinks in as he kisses you deeply. Under the streetlights, not surrounded by your familiar four walls like a long lost secret but out in the open where anyone can see, even though there's not a single soul around.

Tears well up behind your eyelids the same way they did that morning you woke up next to him for the first time. You don't know what it is, never felt this way around anyone except for him. It's akin to the feeling of finally coming home after being away for a long time, or at least that's what you think that's how it would feel.

You don't want to be caged in by the walls of your own making. You want to be seen, and you want to be seen by him. You're the remnants of snow and ice stuck between cracks in the sidewalk, and he is warmth. You're a mosaic of a daffodil garden caught in an endless winter, and he is spring. Minho is the brief but wonderful moment when cherry blossoms have yet to fall from their branches, but green leaves are already growing impatiently, resulting in the beautiful coexistence of pinks and greens if only just for a few days.

You let him kiss you until you're both out of breath, let him wrap his strong arms around your body and hold you like he could mend all of your broken pieces. Maybe he could. Maybe you'd like him to make you whole again.

When Minho pulls away, he doesn't stray very far. He puts enough distance between your faces so you can catch your breath. But even then, you have a hard time getting air back into your lungs. He's looking at you like he would pick the moon for you if you asked, like moving mountains is no more difficult than peeling tangerines for you whenever you get a craving.

The streetlights are dim, but the stars in his eyes are bright enough to tell you something that his words don't.

It hits you all at once, in a moment where even the wind is still, as if it's been reduced to a mere spectator, watching the two of you with bated breath on the sidelines. The tipping point can be something as simple as him asking - almost pleading - to kiss you goodnight with no ulterior motive, no other intention than because he wants to. As though it would kill him if he had to go another minute without kissing you.

You realize why he's the yellow to your sea of blues, why you're so happy every time you look at the bracelet on your wrist. You realize why you feel so safe around him, why he makes you experience emotions that no one else can. You realize why you don’t like hearing about Hana, or any other person in the same sentence as his name with the implication that he could be romantically involved with them.

You realize why you kissed him for the first time all those months ago, and it wasn't because you were sad and he just happened to be there and let you cry on his shoulder. The times that your friends would tell you how you and Minho would be perfect together - you wanted it to be true. You knew it was true - that he was someone you could love, the only person who's worth opening up to. You kissed him because you wanted to love him. You realize why it made you soar when he kissed you back, because you wanted him to love you too.

You realize why the thought of losing this friendship terrifies you. You realize why you asked him to stay that night after the party and the club, even though you had never allowed him to sleep over before. You realize why the other week you let him only kiss you and nothing else, and you realize why your heart is hammering in your chest this very second, why your knees are weak, why you can't really breathe here in the middle of an empty street under a moonless sky, just because he's looking at you as if it's not the sun that the earth revolves around but rather, it's a girl who has never learned how to say what she means.

You're good at leaving things alone; it's a skill that you've unintentionally mastered over the years. Nothing has to change if you let it remain the same. And yet, the one exception always seems to be Minho, and you're a mirror of yourself when you're with him. You like the version of you that only he's able to bring out, and he does it effortlessly every time. He pulls happiness out of you so easily that it's hard to ignore what you feel for him, hard to convince yourself that what you harbor for him is still only platonic affection.

It comes bubbling up to the surface without your permission. It strikes you the same way lightning splits open the whole sky on a cloudless night, abrupt and unmistakeable. Love isn't something that you've ever come close to, and you have always been an unbeliever when people answer "You just know," in response to "How do you know when it is love?"

Though as you stand right here, right now, you think maybe this is what love is supposed to look like, personified with starry eyes and shallow dimples when he smiles.

Before he leaves, Minho presses another sweet kiss to your cheek. You're still dazed by the dawning, overwhelmed by the recognition that you can only mutter a stupid "Bye," when he bids you good night.

As you watch him go, there's something else you realize, almost tragically, that you've always been a ruiner. You run away the moment shit starts getting too real, even if it means letting beautiful things slip through your fingers like running water.

Love just isn't something you've ever learned to hold.

all rights reserved © withleeknow. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted 15.04.2024]

[anime-grimmy-art]

It’s this time of the year again, folks. Time to wrap up the art Ive made in the last 12 months in another Year in Review! I’ve noticed that this is my fifth Year in Review in a row, so I’ll be making an extra post looking back on the progress in those last 5 years!

I've got a lot to say about this year, but purely art wise, I've gone all when it comes to comics, damn! I've kinda found a format that is messy, and therefore more time efficient, yet still looks good. I even made 2 animatics and lotsa shorts/reels! All that on top of opening coms twice, and, oh yeah, MAKING A WHOLE ASS 4MIN ANIMATION ON MY OWN.

How is my hand still alive.

2023 has been….interesting, to say the least. The first half year I was working on my thesis project, aka making an animated short all on my own (in the art department), which makes it honestly surprising how much I managed to churn out between animating. Trigun rly did have me in a choke hold.

Summer was a bit more spotty, esp. with me not being able to draw anything during August as I was writing my thesis (and doing commissions). And towards the end of the year, Kingdom Hearts tried to save me, but alas, Genshin Impact has finally sunk its teeth into me and dragged me to the bottom of the rabbit hole. It all started with me watching a story summary and lore videos while I was sick after my thesis and I was too intrigued to not dig deeper and well, first I fell in love with Kaeya and then the ships started dropping in left and right.

I’m not gonna lie, the last few months have been weird. I finished my masters in October, and have been on job hunt since, sadly without success so far. I’m existing in this weird limbo of still not grasping I’m not a student anymore after 18 years in education, not really being able to accept I’m an adult, yet desperately trying to find something so I can make a routine, cos rn Im too scared to build a rhythm as I know I’ll have a so much harder time readjusting again. It’s left me in a weird emotional state, where most of the time I feel fine, but when it counts, there’s just, nothing. No joy at getting my diploma, no anticipation to finally go to a convention again, neither any sadness hearing my grandfather died. It frustrates me that it extends to my art as well, there’s excitement over ideas and concepts, but no motivation to pick up the pencil, which makes me either not finish art at all or making so many shortcuts and just ending up with sth not satisfactory to me since it’s not the idea I sought after.

Tho, not everything is doom and gloom. I DID finish a whole ass short animation and got my masters degree, that IS sth to be proud of. Also, while Im struggling at drawing, I’ve also kinda started integrating my shortcuts into my style and some stuff I’ve thrown together actually turns out real good nowadays. Also, and this might be a bit of a weird one, I’m so fucking happy to know I can still enjoy gay ships. I’ve been a bit uncertain over the last few years because when I was around 16-18, I had a real big yaoi phase, which mostly came from the fact so much stuff came out that tickled my brain in the right way (Free, Haikyuu, etc.). But over the years, my enthusiasm died down, and I even started to resent some ships because it’s all some fandoms produced. I often found myself liking a hetero ship more than the popular gay ship, which really made me not wanna stick around because I did not care for most fanart and you can only go through a tag with art you don’t care about so long before you lose interest. I think in retrospect that it rly had nothing to do with the ships being gay ships but rather cos the fans just shoved it in your face when you didn’t care (and shipping culture nowadays also can get real scary). But I’m so happy to see I can still get obsessed with a ship and it’s all thanks to Haikaveh/Kavetham. It really just needed the right flavour for me to dig in again. And oh my god, I FINALLY like a ship with a SHIT TON of art and fanfictions, no more scrounging the crumbs from the bottom of the barrel. 

Anyways, enough lamenting. Here’s to hoping I can bite my tongue and get shit started properly in 2024, and that my brainrots may make me obsessed enough to churn out an obscene amount of fanart again.

[moutheyes]

many thoughts about currently airing QL

i meant to get this done earlier but i blinked and it's almost we are wednesday again. however, i still wanna get some thoughts on page for posterity.

only boo (completed!)

while this show had its imperfections, its triumphs largely outweighed its shortcomings. as a vehicle to showcase seakeen's acting abilities, chemistry, and viability as a cp, you really couldn't have asked for much more. moo is a son of all time, and both he and kang were fully realized characters that were a joy to watch and root for each week.

i think the writing sacrificed some of its side plots to the trope gods—the secondary romance between potae and payos deserved more than endless miscommunication, while shone's reintroduction as an eleventh-hour obstacle was clunky at best. there are also valid criticisms to be made about gmmtv's (in)ability to deliver a substantial in-text critique of the idol industry's stance on dating, and if that had been part of the show's thesis, maybe i'd feel more strongly about it, but it wasn't. it was an obstacle for the relationship between kang and moo, and as a gmmtv romcom, it was never positioned to promise anything more than a happy ending.

was the central storyline strong enough to overcome some of the uneven writing towards the end? to me, yes, absolutely it was. kangmoo was the beating heart of the show, and the script did everything right, up until graduation, to make us buy into not only their individual characterizations and motivations but also the strength of their relationship, the mutual support and adoration and understanding that made their love feel so much fuller. i'm going to miss having seakeen on my screen every sunday and i hope they get the superstar projects they deserve moving forward.

wandee goodday (ep 8 of 12)

this show has kind of entered a mushy middle stage for me. fake dating, as a trope, requires healthy suspension of belief, and the fwb setup is working at odds with that. it's become very evident in the last couple of episodes, where the only way dee and yak can individually keep up their own pretenses (more on dee's side, tbf to yak) is through a deliberate failure of communication, which gets exhausting to watch after a while. i'm glad yak finally confessed his feelings at the end of ep 8; hopefully the show can emerge out of this storytelling slump and end on a strong note.

oye and cher's proposal scene made me emotional, though. it was so sweet and so simple, and although we still don't have too much background on their relationship, it felt very organic to what we know of them, with the imaginary ring and the casual spontaneity of it all.

my stand-in (ep 9 of 12)

i was not expecting this to be my front-runner for show of the year, but it's really hitting on all levels for me: acting (up is always special, and poom has been a revelation), production (cinematography and camerawork are magnificent), and storytelling (smart, elegant adaptation and localization choices for the most part). with 3 episodes left and most of the major secrets revealed, there's plenty of time for groveling, retribution, and tying up loose ends, by which i mean fucking in missionary. no major notes; carry on.

we are (ep 12 of 16)

last week's episode was a bit slow even by this show's own standards, but what i liked about it was getting to see more of phum and fang's home life and how that has shaped their approaches to relationships. a lot of it was implied in the earlier episodes, so seeing it depicted a little more clearly—phum's abandonment issues and current friction with his father, fang's self-imposed perfectionism—introduced some much-needed depth to their characters.

also, unlike dee and yak's infuriating situationship in wandee goodday, i don't mind the undefined limbo that phum and peem have been occupying. this show has shown us that peem struggles with articulating his sense of self, most notably through his art, so it makes sense to me that he would be overly cautious in confirming his own feelings on an intellectual level, despite being able to act on his emotional and physical connection to phum.

i'm a little worried the show isn't leaving enough room to properly develop chainpun as the final couple, but what we haven gotten is delightful. in another universe this is the friends-to-lovers slowburn of my dreams.

knock knock boys (ep 5 of 12)

speaking of delights, this show is so fucking underrated. it has given me everything i wanted from its pilot trailer: the housemate shenanigans and comedic beats are chef's kiss, of course, but there's also a real sense of a camaraderie being built up between the four boys. the acting, also, has been remarkably even; i knew seng and best would bring it, but jaonine and nokia have held their own and really inhabited their roles.

i'm actually really pleased that jane is, in fact, peak's fiancee. the vibes that some of us got from that initial glimpse of their relationship wasn't wrong, though—they treat each other the way siblings do, which is probably indicative of an arrangement between their families. jane is on "i got your location from your dad" terms with peak's father, but she's also on "i'll cover for you and pretend you're not here" terms with peak, even as she's fully committed to invading his space and annoying the snot out of him until he gives in and stops running from his problems. extremely sibling behavior!! there is not a single whiff of romance between the two of them, but they are facing a difficult situation that will need to be resolved before either of them can move on and live their lives.

one thing about this show that i keep thinking about is the significance of thanwa's wardrobe. i clocked in ep 1 that he and his (probable) ex dressed very similarly, and the scene with the two of them in ep 5 just drove that detail home. now that we know thanwa a little better, i wonder if he's the type of person to conform to a lover's aesthetic (consciously or subconsciously). he is a caretaker and a little bit of a pushover, and clothing choice is a way that could manifest. it might not be anything, but i also wouldn't be surprised if we see some of peak's style sneak into thanwa's wardrobe as their romance develops.

there's so much more i could say about this show! the characters are all so fascinating to me, both individually and as a group!!! i'm gonna be late for a movie if i keep typing, though, so i will try to organize further thoughts after this week's episode.

love sea (ep 3 of 10)

as far as mame shows go, this has been unexpectedly enjoyable from the jump. fortpeat are delivering a much different dynamic than their whumpfest from LITA, and if you take out all the smoldering sex scenes, there has been plenty of actual character (and relationship) development through dialogue, which i appreciate. i like that the tension isn't confined to simple class difference; the writing situates mut at the intersection of various regional, economic, and environmental concerns, and that makes him so much more compelling as a foil to tongrak's more conventional slate of bl traumas. i do hope the show continues to maintain those core parts of his characterization as the romance progresses.

[calaisreno]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

I was tagged by @7-percent, @totallysilvergirl and @gaylilsherlock. Thank you!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 

147. I’ve been here nearly 6 years, some years more prolific than others. 

2. What's your total A03 word count?

Right now, just shy of 2M: 1,937,496, to be exact

3. What fandoms do you write for?

BBC Sherlock and ACD Sherlock

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Synchronicity Date Night A Chronic Condition The Wedding Gift Blank Slate Wooing Sherlock Holmes has recently moved up and is close enough to nudge its way to number 5.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always, even if it’s just to say thank you. I appreciate comments, often feel humbled by the compliments people give. It just feels right to respond. (Maybe if I were getting hundreds of comments a day, I would have to rethink that.)

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Either Below Zero or The New Gardener. Both have MCD, but sort of a soft landing. Also Learning the Heart and The Real You, but those also have endings that mitigate the angst, a bit.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I write a lot of happy endings; it’s my preferred resolution.  My choice: The Short Tragic Death of John Watson. John does NOT die, but there’s a very cheesy happy ending that made many readers scream.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No. A couple rude comments, but no intentional hatred.

9. Do you write smut?

Not much. I don’t write PWP, but include a sex scene where the plot seems to need it. I'm not opposed; it's just not my usual.

10. Do you write crossovers?

I’ve written two GO/Sherlock stories: Limbo and Hell and Back. I’ve written stories that borrow from other fandoms, but are not exactly crossovers. The closest to a crossover would be Serendipity, which borrows plot from the movie. I’ve borrowed from movie and book universes to make an original story (Eye of the Storm, A Chamber to be Haunted, Do No Harm), and I’ve borrowed premises (The Real You)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

About 60 of my fics have been translated, most of them into Russian, a couple into Chinese, on into Spanish. 

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. 

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Sherlock Holmes/John Watson

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

The Secret of Agra: a post-Reichenbach fic that I started in 2020. It has been through several transformations. I rarely give up permanently on a story, though. A few have grown into something new that I ended up posting. I expect I'll finish this when inspiration strikes me.

16. What are your writing strengths?

The things readers most often compliment me on: 

Character voice and emotions.  

World building. 

Versatility: historical fiction, case fics, science fiction, fantasy, rom-coms, etc.

Making readers cry.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action scenes. In Greek tragedy you simply have a character enter and describe the murder that’s just occurred offstage. In fanfiction, that’s a nope. And you have to think out every move, make the scene visual. I admire writers who make this seem effortless. (That's you, @discordantwords !!!) Description: finding non-cliche ways to describe things/people without making it weird and overly fussy.  Being too minimal: I am not a wordy writer; minimalism was how I was taught, but sometimes I need to be wordier.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I’ve done bits of this, but only in languages I’ve studied. I have a degree in Latin, and have used that in couple stories: A Demon's Tale, Accidental Magic. 

19. First fandom you wrote for?

The first and only fandom I’ve posted in is Sherlock Holmes (ACD and BBC). I don’t have any plans to move. I used to write original fiction, but have found fanfiction so much more rewarding.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

This is hard to answer. Last Envoy is the story I’m most proud of.  I write the stories I want to read, and I do re-read a number of them, some more than others. My favorite fic written in 2023 is The Traveller.

Has everybody been tagged? How about @mydogwatson @lisbeth-kk @discordantwords @copperplatebeech @keirgreeneyes @meetinginsamarra @bertytravelsfar @jrow @thegildedbee @helloliriels @gregorovitchworld ???

[sinister-system6]

Intro post!

This is now a blog for my ENTIRE system!

(image is to represent us, all pics taken from Pinterest)

Hi, if you don't know us, our body's name is Hunter, we usually introduce ourselves as a trans woman, but we do have some male alters.

I, the one writing this, am called Lillian, I am the host and also a persecutor which is an interesting combination to have. In this post, I will introduce the alters in my system and also let them speak for themselves if they wish to.

To start, there's Alex

Alex is a butch sapphic muscle mommy, she is blonde and has a side shaved hair with a ponytail. She is sad most of the time and longs for someone to love. She is a huge dork and loves love. She also used to be a host, but was demoted once I showed up. Sorry not sorry. She is also a really good musician and producer.

There'a Alisson, who's a femboy. He is our most sexual alter and usually fronts in sexual moments because (and this is how he describes himself) he is a cockdrunk slut. He is a trauma holder to an event that happend especifically to him.

There's Allister, who says he's a demon from the depths of hell. He is funny and an ageslider from 16 to 21, and stole his name from the Pokemon SwSh ghost-type gym leader. The first time he showed up, Alex was trying to sleep and he kept trying to talk to everyone in the headspace. He also has really strong echolalia.

Ash is our protector, our caretaker. He is currently questioning his entire existance because he believed to be AroAce, but started to have bisexual thoughts and impulses. He sees himself as an eboy sadboy kinda person, but is actually the (metally) oldest alter in here. He is one of the 3 alters who has full access to past memories.

Violet is an 8 year old girl who is such a cutiepie. She loves legos and is deeply anxious and depressed. She doesn't like to front that much but anyone who might be fronting is able to feel her feelings too. She likes to draw and paint, and she is one of the 3 alters who has full access to past memories

Ryan is a fictive, an introject based off of Ryan Wilder NOT from Batwoman, but from her evil version Red Death from The Flash CW. She doesn't front much nor does she talk in the headspace, so we don't know much about her.

Evelyn/Eva is an alter who is permanetly stuck in a PMT state. She cries a lot and is deeply emotional. She has a sever fear of abandonment and trust issues due to our ex girlfriend. She showed up during a mental breakdown we had during a PMT crisis, alongside with Ryan.

Monika is a sweetheart and NOT a fictive from DDLC. She loves life and the world and everyone. She is the textbook definition of a People-Pleaser (she told me not to write this but agreed it's true).

Merida is a "version" of Violet who is stuck at 13 years old. She is an angsty preteen. This is all you really need to know about her.

Anna is a 22 year old alter, she got her name from Dead By Daylight's Huntress, and acts like a persecutor while still keeping her cool. She is a smoker.

Natasha is an E-Girl who is, just like Evelyn, a crybaby. She gets emotional over the smallest things but has a deep love for everyone on Earth.

Alana is one of the first alters in our system, but due to personal issues among the system and our ex girlfriend, she was stuck in a limbo. She is mad at everyone in our system for forcing her to not front just to make our ex comfortable. She never liked our ex.

Edwin is a 12 year old nonbinary boycoded alter. He appeared a few days ago, but only fronted today. He thinks fronting is fun and that our body's face is pretty. He is funny and kind and enjoys puns.

Harriet is the newest alter in the system. She literally just appeared today (september 11th 2024). She describes herself as "a bimbo version of the Green Goblin"

Kara is a new alter who was formed today (September 12th 2024). She has a dark skin color (darker than the rest of us), and is currently on her way to replace Lillian as the host. She is happy and excited about life, but also one bad thought away from breaking down and crying.

Antonia is an alter made after Violet had a mental breakdown. She was made to not feel Violet's pain and lonliness. She is 25 years old, looks like arrowverse's Kate Kane and chose her name because of MCU's Taskmaster. She is a smoker.

Olivia is a new protector who split from Alex after a mental breakdown concerning our ex. She is calm usually, but can get really anxious FAST. She also has all of Alex's feelings for our ex so that's not great.

There's also Lillian, she is currently losing her status as host to Kara. She is a narcissist sociopath (as she herself claims), enjoys bad stuff such as gore and other evil nasty things. She is a smoker.

[aethon-recs]

HP Rec Fest, Day 30 ❄️

Happy new year!! This is the last post for the @hprecfest daily prompts for which I'll be reccing fic, so the complete list of Tomarrymort daily recs for this month is listed in its entirety below! The 31st prompt is "a fav amongst favs", which I am physically incapable of narrowing down to a handful of fics, so I'll just end on Day 30 🤍

Thank you to the fest mods for suggesting such lovely prompts and running such a well-organized fest — what a great idea to celebrate the fantastic writing found in this fandom, and I found myself with tons of great new fics to read, particularly in other ships and rarepairs that I would have never come across otherwise!

*

Day 30: A Pre-Canon Fic

Reconciling with Death by Madame_Psychosis (M, 26k, complete)

Summary: Featuring a dead girl in a forest, little-soldier-boys, some tenuous grasps on reality, straw mothers, a ghost in a bathroom and, slowly and sadly, kindness from a boy who’s just passing through time. Why I rec it for this prompt: A really unique take on Harry travelling back in time to 1941 to Tom's school days. I love the non-linear style that this fic is written in, which really enhances the build-up of the murder mystery and all the psychological suspense.

*

Animus, Anima by @maiathoustra (M, 145k, complete)

Summary: In limbo, Harry doesn't choose to go back to the Forbidden Forest to face Voldemort. He makes another decision and finds himself in a baby's body: little Tom Riddle. Years pass that intimately bind the orphan and his imaginary friend into a hopeless and incestuous relationship. Indeed, all the odd events of Tom Riddle's life happen in spite of Harry's presence: could he be the one who provokes them? Why I rec it for this prompt: Another unique take on Harry being sent back in time, this time as a disembodied voice in Tom's head as the most important part of his journey from childhood to when he becomes Lord Voldemort. An incredible exploration on what it means for two souls to love each other so intensely, and the ending is absolutely gutting in a beautiful way. Definitely have tissues on hand for this long, beautiful, angsty read!

*

HP rec fest December recs:

Day 1: Favorite under 5k | Such a Noble Villain Day 2: Comfort Fic | In Somno Veritas | Ouroboros Day 3: Podfic | a taste so good (i'd die for it) Day 4: Fic with Art | A Soulmate Like You Day 5: A Non-AO3 Fic | The Anti-Midas Day 6: Unreliable Narrator Fic | Anabiosis Day 7: A Canon-Compliant Fic | In Your Soul is Sealed a Pleasure Day 8: A Canon-Divergence Fic | Thirst Day 9: A Rare Pair Fic | dust in your pocket | A Breed Apart Day 10: A Fest Fic | In Your Image Day 11: A Dark Fic | As Portioned from a Whole Day 12: A WIP Rec | Lover's Spit | Revolution of Configured Stars Day 13: A Fic >100k Words | One Year In Every Ten | if we were lovers Day 14: A Favorite Series | The Immortal Duties of Lord Voldemort Day 15: The Most Recent Bookmark | Creatures of the Dark we are Day 16: A Fic that Made You Laugh | Make a Wish | Do You Want Fries with That? Day 17: A Fic that Made You Cry | We Still Have Time Day 18: A Fairy Tale-Inspired Fic | Until Midnight Comes  Day 19: Fic with the Hottest Smut | Prison Blues Day 20: A Fic Rated 'G' | Fingers Crossed Day 21: A Thought-Provoking Fic | on the other side Day 22: An Unfinished Fic | In Death, Standby Day 23: A Soulmate Fic | the demiurge, the leontoeides Day 24: A Holiday Fic | A Sky Full of Stars Day 25: A Fic Rated 'T' | Accidents happen Day 26: A Fic with a Memorable Ending | i’ve missed you, my boy Day 27: A Muggle AU Fic | found Day 28: An Underrated Fic | your love is like rhinestones (falling from the sky) Day 29: A Post-Canon Fic | The Other Path Day 30: A Pre-Canon Fic | Reconciling with Death | Animus, Anima

[eqt-95]

Thanks @sssammich and @sideguitars for the double-tap tag!

1- How many works do you have on AO3?

28 (?!?!)

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 711,082

3. What fandoms do you write for?

in chronological order: harry potter, batwoman, arcane, supergirl

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

follow the buttons

the glasses that broke lena luthor's back

a nemesis and her hero

a crisis of indulgence

like we're made of glass

5. Do you respond to comments?

i aspire. it's real hit or miss for me, but i genuinely adore every comment i've ever received even if it goes unanswered.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i guess it would be being batwoman but only because i wrote it as a cliffhanger for the sequel?

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i generally always aim for happy endings, but in my opinion the 'happiest' is a crisis of indulgence but only because it's layered with angst. all my fluff pieces are happy throughout so the end doesn't hit as intensely (i think).

8. Do you get hate on fics?

only once that i remember: same person on multiple fics. such is life.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i have tried, but it objectively isn't great so i steer clear of it. this has actually been a conundrum with my latest fic: sauce or no sauce?

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i wrote a kate kane + lena luthor one shot once. does that count?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don't think so

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

someone asked to translate one into german. not sure if it ever happened.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i haven't but i'd be interested, though i'm usually one of two people: a chaotic procrastinator with fading interest or the most diligent person on the planet. i can't guarantee which would show up for a collaboration.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

supercorp has had the most lasting affect.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

there are three: 1. being batwoman | year one - (batwoman) i did so much legitimate comic book research and planning for this that it's a shame i've left it go 2. a handy handful - (arcane) i have 30% of the rest written 3. let's for flying - (supergirl) again, i actually have a lot of it worked out but for one reason or another it's in limbo

16. What are your writing strengths?

i'd need to reread things to figure that out

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

consistent prose

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

like, would i personally do it? no, i don't even have a solid grasp of the english language. why would i go butcher another one?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

harry potter

20. Favorite fic you've written?

i answered this in another ask recently, but i think my answer has changed. i'm actually really happy with the concept of like we're made of glass. i don't know how well the execution landed for people (one commenter wrote: not good. it made no sense), but i'm ok with that. things aren't made for everyone.

- - - -

i'm not sure who all did these already, so i won't tag folks, but if you see this, consider yourself tagged!!

[illyanarasputinfan]

My favorite “Magik” moments of 2022!

New Mutants #26-28 (2022) MARVEL - Illyana meets three different versions of herself during The Labors of Magik. An elderly warrior trapped in Limbo for years, a seven-year-old captive of Belasco, and the evil Queen Illyana Rasputina, who chose to remain in Limbo and rule instead of returning to Earth.

Midnight Suns #1 (2022) MARVEL - Blade gives an unsuspecting class at Strange Academy a surprise lecture on “Defense Against Vampires”.

X-Men #16 (2022) MARVEL - Magik teleports Firestar to the Avengers Mansion during battle.

Midnight Suns #3 (2022) MARVEL - The team receives magically enchanted armor forged by Tony Stark / Doctor Strange to save Zoe Laveau and thwart an apocalypse.

New Mutants #30 (2022) MARVEL - Illyana escorts Deadpool off of Krakoa.

Happy New Year, everyone!

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

i really don’t feel like a teenager ever

like i feel more like a 50 year old woman than a 16 year old girl. i don’t really talk w my friends abt anything but schoolwork mostly cause that’s the only thing my one school friend talks abt besides her bf and one hobby. i don’t talk abt current shows i gossip some but i find myself not really talking to ppl at all, i don’t go to the movies, i usually only go to the mall alone, when i go over to my bfs house sure we do teen stuff like kiss and cuddle but we don’t talk much mostly just touch, idk i just feel like i wasted all my youth and i feel like an old woman now like my life has been so much longer than it has been. i worry abt all kinds of adult things and i’ve never even really felt like a kid when i was a kid. idk i just see ppl my age having so much fun w their friends and such going places doing things and i just do most things by myself and my life mostly revolves around school rather than the few friends i have. i just feel kinda lonely but not really in a way that more friends would fix it i don’t want a huge friend group. what i miss was the feeling of friendship i had w my middle/elementary school friends it was mostly just the 4 of us and i’ve never had a connection like that since it’s just got me feeling weird abt myself. idk idek if this makes any sense to y’all. i made this acc and started blogging in it the summer before high school cause i felt lonely i lost 3 of my bestest friends and didn’t know what to do and here i am feeling such a similar way and i have been for awhile idk i feeel like isolating myself but i still crave that feeling of not being lonely. idk i’m hoping i can find that in college but i fear i’ll be too old to do all the fun high school things. everyone’s always busy and no one really texts or calls me anymore just my bf and we mostly text and then i ask if he can call. i just feel a bit casted to the side in ppls lives. y’all are really my new best friends cause i just tell y’all everything since i have no one else to tell no one else cares to know. i used to be so happy and idk what happened. i feel like i’m too young to be this sad and depressed these r supposed to be the best years of my life but i’m just angry sad and depressed 90% of the time. snapping at ppl and wanting to run away and go missing or smthn. just to see who comes out of the woodwork (if anyone) to help. i don’t feel like myself anymore i can’t even draw well anymore. like someone took my brain out and replaced it w a diff one. a worse one. i miss that excitement i had the fun other ppl seem to have all the time going out on weekends, going to games w friends, hanging out gossiping and chatting reading magazines. i feel stuck in this limbo of angst and sadness. there must be something wrong w me (more than there already is). i know i had to grow up fast cause of my parents who cause they were always working and my ma in chronic pain couldn’t take care of the house so i’d always spend all of my time cleaning and doing their work for them. i went away for 2 days once when i was like 10 and i came home and rhe house looked like a tornado went thru a frat house. i walking the door there were pizza boxes on the table cans a bottles on the floor garbage everywhere. idk i just feel like i’m too young to already be so tired w life.

[avorbl]

Avor's Watchlist for weeks 36 + 37

Fall has begun and I am watching 16 currently airing shows 14 of which are Qls. My rewatches have been on hold for a few weeks now.

Currently Airing

Battle of the Writers 7/12 Beautiful Boys kissing, tropes and even a bit of a story if you look hard enough

Sugar Dog Life 6/10 Lonely people, food and not enough communication the Japanese recipe for a good watch

First Note of Love 6/12 Compared to all the loud stuff thats currently airing this one is very quiet

Seoul Blues 7/8 Messy people messing around Jeonha finally reacted to something but it feels very much like they stitched two scripts they had and made it 8 episodes with the same character names

The On1y One 8/12 Best thing currently airing beautiful cinemaphotography and wonderful acting

Love Next Door 10/16 The first 8 episodes showed us why Seokryu did not feel that she could be open about her problems with anyone at home and now I am supposed to find her at fault because she kept her illness a secret?

Live in Love 3/5 The colours keep colouring and with all the talk about tone this week the tonal dissonance between what his happening to Cake and how they react to it is a bit distracting

Room 2/5 Fun and chaotic not sure what it wants to tell

Happy of the End 2/8 I am waiting for the sub of the fourth episode to continue because I dont think I can get myself to watch each episode on its own its heavy and beautiful

Kidnap 2/12 I get to see Ohm again

The Hidden Moon 2/10 A propos Ohm a ghost romance. They rank right after robot romances for plots to avoid for me. I am cautiously optimistic about this one though as long as they are not introducing time layers.

Jack & Joker: U Steal My Heart! 1/12 War is a good actor and I liked Yin whom I havent seen outside of En of love. But I was promised a heist.

Love is Like a Poison 1/10 The colour intensity was to mismatched between the poison transitions and the rest of the episode hopefully that changes

Unlock Your Love 1/8 I am not sure about this one the character interactions and the main characters action compared to her flashback experiences feel a bit too contrived

Bad Guy My Boss 1/10 20 year olds in charge of a company are always so in control. A fantasy office setting to forget work on Sunday evenings

Love Sick 2024 1/15 Real children bringing me a highschool story. With a big cast I am bit scared that I am supposed to remember and differentiate all these boys in their highschool uniforms

What I am catching up on

My Best Boyfriend 4/17

Unstoppable High Kick 25/167

Gym Affairs 15/24 Loneliness and desire (for love)

The Princess Royal 21/40 A typical mid show slump with this one, its promising

Word of Honor 17/36 I think of all the gay characters Gong Jun could have played while watching this

Like Love 8/15 2014 BL

Fight for My Way 4/16 I really need to watch everything Park Seojoon has been in

Finished in the last two weeks

Takara’s Treasure 02.09.24 9,5/10 Loved how they got gradually closer. Taishin getting a better understanding of Takara and Takara's reason for being so withdrawn getting revealed. The depiction of the "creepy uncle" really is the only blemish on this otherwise well thought out series.

Mr Mitsuyas Planned Feeding 06.09.24 9/10 A lovely story about finding support and yourself.

Takara’s Treasure Spin off 09.09.24 8,5/10 A nice end cap to this wonderful story

I Hear the Sunspot 12.09.24 6/10 This is the series I ve written the most notes for this year and it all boils down to: Great visuals but a dissappointing second half. We got the introduction of a secondary character instead of the growth and adaptation the couple needed

4 Minutes 13.09.24 9,5/10 The finale was truly unnerving, limbo made palpable. Those first minutes of surreal softness really got to me. A perfect ending to a good show. Regrets, Consequences, Redemption, LIMBO This series makes a strong case for how choices influence our lives and if we dont make choices life wont be better. Simplistic solutions only work in fantasy

Boytoy 14.09.24 7,5/10 Deeper than I intially thought. But a classic gay people at the edge of society BL with a happy ending though.

With You I Bloom 15.09.24 8/10 About social bonds and priorities. Would have been better if the credits werent as lighthearted/ the opening credits did not have such a sports drama vibe. Probably would have worked better as several movies .

Love Enemy 15.09.24 7,5/10 Fourty minutes of fluff to pass the time

Dropped in the last two weeks

The Founder of Diabolism Season 1 5/15 03.09.24 -/10

Addicted Heroin 4/10 03.09.24 -/10

[morphofan]

Tech and My Dead Heart

Bummer stuff ahead. TW depression, menopause.

I am sort of in limbo right now, emotionally. Floating in space.

Unfortunately, Tech's fall came right around the time my Menopause kicked in for real. So I have that insane, hormonal nightmare going on at the same time I'm mourning and missing a character I genuinely loved.

The hope of Tech's return in S3 was all that kept me going for an entire year. I was so excited when it looked as if we were going to get him back, in the form of CX-2. All our speculation never got a word of denial or approval from Jen C. or Joel A.

They knew exactly what they were doing to us; they let us hope and then tore it all away and let us fall into the abyss.

After all that expectation... nothing. All my hope is gone... and I don't see myself ever getting it back.

Everything in me that was ever happy or ever felt love is dead, now. I sleep 14-16 hours a day to make the emptiness pass by faster, because at least I can still feel emotions in my dreams.

I don't live. I only exist. I wait to die.

I'm only alive for the sake of my child and husband.

I truly do wish I had never watched The Bad Batch.

[missnekonyan]

Finally, after a year of being stuck in development limbo, I can formally present my @hourglassstationacademy​​​​​ OC... Elizabeth! I had trouble figuring out his exact color palette and the details of his design, but I’m happy with this version~ I used a classic princess look that befits his inspiration with a few minor variations for spice. A better look at his actual body type will be under the cut!

As part of a cadet branch of the royal family, Elizabeth has lived in luxury throughout his years. While he appreciates all his status has given him, one thing remains unfulfilled - his drive for adventure. Elizabeth has sat on the sidelines long enough; enrolling in a school away from home is the first step in his grand quest! Although a bit out of touch sometimes, his curiosity knows no bounds.

Elizabeth Clare Rosae

Japanese: エリザベス・くれあ・ローサ Romaji: Erizabesu Kurea Roosa

Gender: Demigirl (He/him) Age: 16 Birthday: March 14 Starsign: Pisces Height: 170cm Eye color: Ruby red, periwinkle gray Hair color: Ash black Rose bud Homeland: Queendom of Roses

Dorm: Pastrierie School year: First Class: 1-D (18) Occupation: Student Club: Literature Club Best subject: Social Etiquette

Dominant hand: Left Favorite food: Strawberry mint candy Least favorite food: Dragon fruit Dislikes: Staying still and being alone Hobby: Going on escapades Talents: Having things work themselves out in the end

[thecleverqueer]

Dear Dave,

So, I had a discussion with Ahsoka Tano, and she’s not happy with the whole Lux Bonteri coming back situation. Well… At first, she said “who TF is Lux Bonteri?” as he was THAT vanilla-mid, mediocre, annoying and un-memorable. Apparently, she’d forgotten that he existed after all that she has been through in her life. Basically after I reminded her of his existence she said, “Oh! The dude that I had a crush on back when I was, like, 16?! Shit! I was young, stupid and sheltered. It’s been, like, 30 years. Who even remembers their teenage crushes at my age!? Um. I kind of remember him being sort of a boring asshole side character now that I think about it. Yeah. No way! I wouldn’t get with him now… even if he looked like Jude Law.”

She basically said that she’s queer, Dave. She thought that was obvious, but she does realize that this could never be canon. She knows that you, Disney and Lucasfilm like to kowtow to homophobics and queer-hating governments abroad, so she was totally cool with you just queer-coding the shit out of her while completely baiting almost all of her sapphic fan base. It’s why you didn’t have her and Trace show any real affection for one another in season 7 of the Clone Wars despite you clearly keeping most of the elements of the “boyfriend arc” in tact, and why you scrapped Kaeden Larte from the novel in that Tales of the Jedi short that you didn’t have to retell but did anyway. We see you. We get it. She understands.

She thought that you might just keep her sexuality in a state of limbo as you have that “paternal eye”. That way, no one gets hurt by your animators’ and writers’ queer-baiting, homophobic assholes don’t flip the fuck out that she’s not straight, and no one truly gets what they want. After all, a character’s sexuality isn’t important unless it is crammed down the viewers’ throats… gay or straight.

She then admitted that if you ABSOLUTELY HAD TO put her with a male love interest because you felt like you had to bend the knee to some heteronormativity kink, because you have absolutely run out of other story ideas for her, or because you know that her character has zero growth and development left as she is in her 40s (and you know as well as we do that there is no where else to go), then she has two men that she will accept as love interests:

1.) First, she said she wouldn’t mind Rex. She said that she loves Rex… not really like THAT, but that she and Rex have such a deep, lovely, platonic friendship that she feels like Rex would respect her (unlike Bonteri). Their history together would make him a great option, and he does seem like he would make great husband material. She understands that he’s old and that his aging is accelerated, but that’s really part of the allure, she feels.

2.) Second, she said she’d be cool with Din Djarin. She doesn’t think that he’d necessarily be interested in her, but if she promised to train Grogu, then maybe he would settle down with her. She said that Pedro Pascal Din honestly has some sort of weird animalistic attractiveness about him that she wouldn’t hate either. Once again, Din is a respectful guy, and he did call her a “nice lady” once after she went feral and attacked him for no reason.

She said she would go ahead and consider being with the Jude Law character if that’s the angle you REALLY wanted to take as long as he was new, nice and respected her above all else (because, let’s face it, it is Jude Law), but she also said you can go and f*^% yourself if he is casted as Lux Bonteri (her words, not mine).

Sincerely,

A self-proclaimed Ahsoka simp that understands how a 40-something-year-old woman thinks, oh, and Ahsoka Tano.

[atinyjules]

LIMBO - YEOSANG PT.1

I am back again😂 well its the middle of the night but I couldn't help but write this since my brain wouldn't let me sleep if I don't write it now so here ya go!

I ended up falling sleeping though so yeah...it is what it is

Pt. 2 is over here

Angst with fluff at the end.

Genre: best friends to lovers au.

Pairings: Bestfriend!Yeosang x Bestfriend!(named)reader

I sighed looking at the text message I got from Yonsei University. I should probably be happy but why am I so...not happy? Why am I so uncertain? Isn't this what I wanted? Then why am I so...unsure? I've been dreaming and working hard for this day my whole life but now that I've finally come a step closer to my dream why am I so confused? Why is my heart not happy?

I just sat at the rooftop for the remainder of the day due to not wanting to go to class. After I got the text I just didn't want to see anyone. What if they laughed at me like they always did? Is this what I want? Is this what they want? Why should their opinions matter? Their opinions on my dream shouldn't matter. But then again, like always...I'll listen to their useless opinions. That's the way it goes...always and forever...

Even after school ended I remained in my place, drowning myself in my thoughts not noticing the arrival of someone. I just sat there looking at the students who were leaving the school premises.

"There you are." I stayed in my place, eyes fixated on the swarm of students below and not the girl behind me, knowing very well what she was gonna say.

"Kang Yeosang...are you even listening? Why didn't you attend class today?" she asked as I continued to pretend, pretending to not hear her.

"So you're gonna just pretend like you're deaf now?" she asked as I groaned softly.

"Just leave me alone." I said softly as she let out a scoff.

"I already did, I gave you enough space so now I'm not leaving till I get answers." she said, not budging one bit.

"You've been avoiding me the whole week...why?" she asked as I stayed quiet.

"Leave me alone...I want to be alone." I said as she let out a sigh.

"What did I do wrong? Please tell me...did I make you angry? If I did, I'm so sorry." she said as I stood up and walked past her.

"Yah! Kang Yeosang! You can't just leave without giving me answers!" she exclaimed as I ignored her and left.

I don't know what got over me...but I knew that I didn't want to see her...but I don't know why. Maybe stress? I don't know...but I wanted to get away as quickly as possible. So I walked past her and left quickly.

______________________________________________

Yeeun's

After not talking to me for a week I just wanted answers from Yeosang but I don't know why he was acting so weird. Did I do something to upset him? I have no idea and he won't tell me either. Even though I keep asking him he just keeps ignoring me and walking past me. It destroys me.

"Why is he being like this?" I mumbled to myself standing alone on the empty rooftop as I bit back tears. I crouched down to my knees, letting out a shaky breath.

Is he just going to let 16 years of friendship go to dust?

"Why won't he talk?" I asked myself as tears trickled down my face and hit the cold concrete.

After crying for ten minutes I wiped my tears and got up with shaky legs and took in a deep breath to calm myself down. I unlocked my phone revealing a picture of the two of us when we went to the amusement park. I quickly went to my contacts and pressed the first number that came up.

Big bro🌻

"Hello? Yeeun?" I felt a fresh set of tears roll down from my face as I pulled my self together but fail.

"C-Could you come p-pick me up? P-Please?" I sobbed as he panicked.

"Yeeun? What's wrong? Stay there, I'll come get you." he said as I mumbled an 'okay' and ended the call.

The whole ride home was quiet as I clutched on my jacket, looking out the window. My brother respected my current situation and kept quiet till we reached his apartment as I didn't want to go home.

"So...what happened?" he asked once I got out of the shower after taking a shower and change of clothes.

"Y-Yeosang..." I mumbled out feeling myself break as he softened and moved to pull me in an embrace as I sobbed lightly.

"What did he do? Did he hurt you?" he asked with the softest voice he could muster, knowing all to well about my romantic attachment to Yeosang.

"H-He won't talk to me- he keeps avoiding me..." I said breaking into anoter sob right after I finished my sentence.

"Hey, hey...it's okay...we'll figure it out alright? We'll figure it out...don't worry, I'll talk to him tomorrow. So don't worry." he said as I continued sobbing in his arms.

After a while of crying I fell asleep after getting exhausted from crying.

"Kang Yeosang, you better have a reasonable explanation for making my little sister cry."

__________________________________________________

Yeosang's

After coming back from school, I was hit with instant regret for treating Yeeun the way I did. As if my whole world had come crashing down at me at once. I fell to the floor on my knees and punched the ground as I let out a curse word.

"Fuck, Yeosang...what have you done?" I mumbled to myself as my eyes turned glassy.

"After all she'd done for you...you treat her like trash." I told myself as stray tears fell from my eyes.

She stood by my side when no one did and didn't leave my side once. Yeeun was always there for me...cheering me on and celebrating my every achievement. Now...I have no one and our graduation ceremony is next week...and after that I'll never see her again.

I let all those 16 years of friendship turn to ash...because of my idiocy and pride...I lost the one person in my life who cared for me. I was drowning in my sadness when my phone ringed, making me pick up my phone to see a message from...Yeeun's big brother.

Seonghwa Hyung

Tomorrow, Aurora Cafe. 9 am sharp, don't be late or else you'll face the consequences.

I felt a shiver run down my spine at the text knowing very well that I was gonna get my ass kicked tomorrow.

The next morning I made sure to reach the cafe early to not anger Seonghwa hyung any more than I already did. But when I entered the cafe he was already present there with all his glory, in his white tee and black leather jacket with a stone cold look on his face. Just his presence alone made me gulp.

"You better have a reasonable explanation as to why my little sister came home sobbing and crying yesterday, Kang." Seonghwa hyung said, with his usual friendly aura disappeared from his face. Replaced with a cold blooded expression.

"I-I didn't mean to-" he was cut off by Seonghwa standing up and pulling him by the collar.

"I dare you to complete that sentence." Seonghwa spoke with the darkest tone as he glared down at Yeosang.

"I-I really am sorry...even I don't know why I said those words...why I behaved that way to her who didn't deserve that treatment. I only know that my behaviour was unexceptable and I am so sorry to her and you." I spill out as he let go of me.

"What's your deal? Why did you suddenly change?" Seonghwa hyung asked me as I looked down.

"You could say I'm stuck in a limbo..." I said as Seonghwa hyung sighed.

"What are you uncertain about?" he asked as I amiled a little.

"I'm not comfortable to be around Yeeun for the moment. I'm just trying to figure out what to do in life, whether or not to include her in it." I said making Seonghwa frown.

"If I were you...I'd be careful with my next words..." He said making me furrow my brows as I followed his worried eyes behind me only to regret it.

Yeeun in all her graceful beauty stood there with a pained expression. She took a deep breath and gave me a weak smile. I opened my mouth to speak but was cut off by her words.

"I won't torment you anymore then." she said and left, Seonghwa patting my shoulder and left to follow his sister.

The moment the door closed I felt myself chuckle as a single teardrop fell from eyes.

"Why did I say that?" I bawled my eyes out for a moment and rushed home.

__________________________________________________

Yeeun's

It's been three days since I ended our friendship and three days since I last saw him. We only had two classes left till our graduation and after that we might not meet again.

"Why should I be sad about that? It was his fault so I shouldn't be sad." I told myself as I ate my lunch alone when Wooyoung came and sat infront of me.

"Yah, you guys still didn't talk?" he said making me roll my eyes and continue eating.

"Why should I? He's the one who avoided me for weeks. And besides, I cut ties with him so I have nothing to do with hom anymore." I said and took a bite of my meatball causing Wooyoung to groan.

"Broo! You and Yeosang's have so much history together! Not to mention your crush on him since 5th grade-" I cut him off by punching his stomach.

"Bring him up again and the next thing I'm punching is your face." I said and stood up to keep my plates as he was persistent and continued to follow me.

"Yeeunie! Give Yeosang a chance! I'm sure he just needs time to sort out his feelings for you! Come onn! I've seen the way he looks at you with those oogly heart eyes! Yeeuniee! Just give him a-"

"Seonghwa oppa! Wooyoung's pestering me!" I cut him of by calling for my brother who was currently talking with Hongjoong and Yunho. Causing Wooyoung to squeak and hide behind me.

"Hyungg! I was just kidding with her!" Wooyoung said as Seonghwa pulled Wooyoung away from me.

"Don't annoy her. Give her some space." Seonghwa whispered as they watched their usually giggly and smiley Yeeun walk away with a frown on her already cold expression.

"Will Yeeun be alright?" Hongjoong asked as they looked her way.

"I'm sure she will...she always does. She just need space for now." Seonghwa said knowing that his sister will pull through it.

"That's it, I can't see both my best friends like this. They need each other." Wooyoung said and ran out leaving the three older men in confusion.

"Yah! Jung Wooyoung! What are you trying to do?!" Seonghwa exclaimed.

__________________________________________________

Wooyoung's

I skipped class knowing mom would kill me but I did it anyway cause I knew that at that moment only I could fix this problem. So I ran to the one place I knew I'd find Yeosang. His apartment. Duh..

"Yeosang! Open up! It's me, Wooyoung!" I exclaimed and banged on his door without any worries as I knew only Yeosang would be in there since he lived alone.

"Kang Yeosang! Open up noww!" I exclaimed when I heard shuffling from inside his apartment.

"Go away...I'm not in the mood to talk." He said loud enough for me to hear it causing me to bang on his door harder.

"YaH! OpEn tHiS dOoR nOw! WE NEED TO TALK!" I exclaimed and banged on his door continuously. Knowing that he'll crack eventually so I kept up my actions for a while until the door finally opened causing me to fall to the ground.

"I SAID LEAVE!" He exclaimed at me causing me to throw a punch to his right cheek which resulted in his slumping to tje ground clutching his cheek. That's when I realised how frail he looked.

"Have you even been eating?! Anyways...WHAT'S UP WITH YOU AND YEEUN?!" I exclaimed causing him to go quiet.

"It doesn't matter anymore, she doesn't want to see me." Yeosang said softly while caressing his cheek.

"I mean, that's on you...but...it doesn't change the fact that you're in love with her." I said making him chuckle.

"No, I don't...she was my my best friend and that's that." Yeosang said causing me to break into a fit of laughter.

"Idiot! That's what your head wants you to think! Everyone notices the way you look at her when she speaks, the way you only listen to her and no one else, the way you always make sure to check on her first to see if she's inside when there's a storm outside!" I exclaimed as he sighed.

"That's what friends do."

"Then you must've just landed on Earth cause that's love!" I exclaimed as he slowly stood up and walked back inside and locked the door causing me to bang on the door and stop.

"Why am I even trying If he won't listen..." I mumbled to myself and stomped away from his house.

Yeosang's

After the talk with Wooyoung I felt exhausted so I came in and fell to my bed, closing my eyes as his words echoed through my mind.

"Everyone notices the way you look at her when she speaks, the way you only listen to her and no one else, the way you always make sure to check on her first to see if she's inside when there's a storm outside!"

"No...I'm not in love with her. I'm just worried about what to do after I join Yonsei." I told myself when a thought appeared in my mind.

Or I'm just worried about how I'll survive without Yeeun's presence.

"No...that's not the reason...right?" I asked myself when realization hit me.

"KANG YEOSANG! GET BACK HEREE!"

There's no Kang Yeosang without Park Yeeun.

"Y-Yeosang-"

There's no point in going to Yonsei if I don't get to have her by my side.

"Ay Yeo...ayo Yeo!" *giggles.

There's no point in doing anything if my life doesn't have her in it.

"Kang Yeosang~ don't abandon me to myself with this loudspeakers!"

"I need a hug..."

"Carry meee! I'm tired."

"If you're insecure to cry around people...you can always cry infront of me...I won't judge."

"I need her...but...I'm far too late now. I took way to long to realise my love for her."

_________________________

That's the end of part one. I wasn't planning on making it this long but the ideas just kept popping up soo go to part two for the ending!

[authorangelita]

I was tagged by @rosieblogstuff 😃

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

259.  I really want to hit 100 stories in both MacGyver and White Collar fandoms.   😁

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

594,984.  That averages out to 2,297 words per work, which is actually better than I thought it would be.  I write a lot of short pieces. 

3. What fandoms do you write for?

In order of most fics to least: White Collar, MacGyver 2016, Teen Wolf, White Collar RPF, Dark Angel, Supernatural.  There are a few other fandoms, but they're related to an event I did on LJ where you wrote down 15 characters from various fandoms, and people gave you random numbers, and you had to write a drabble/ficlet that included those characters. 

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Redraw the Lines (White Collar)

Letter T: Tired (Teen Wolf)

Letter Q: Quilt (Teen Wolf)

Letter K: Kidfic (Teen Wolf)

Friendly Advice and Family Dinner (White Collar)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always plan to respond, but I'm super behind at the moment.  One of these days, I'm going to catch up!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Listen, I'm not proud of it, but I did once write the death of Peter and Elizabeth's dog Satchmo in White Collar fic.

On the MacGyver front, it's hard to tell.  Maybe Regrets (Jack) where Jack decides they all need to leave the Phoenix. 

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I don't know that I would classify many of my fics as having a happy ending. I think Altered Course, the AU where Jack and Diane decide to foster Mac after his grandfather dies, has a pretty happy ending. 

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No, not really.  There are a couple of White Collar fics that I wrote that some people didn't like, but I still didn't get hate for them. 

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I haven't finished one, but I've tried a couple of White Collar/Teen Wolf crossovers.  That event I did with the 15 characters included crossovers, but they were so short, I don't know that they really counted. 

The craziest one from that was probably Luc Johnston (Tru Calling), Peyton Sawyer (One Tree Hill), and Peter Burke (White Collar) In a love triangle.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don't think so.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, back in the post-Dark Angel days.  A friend and I did a kind of role-playing thing where we wrote a bunch of Dark Angel fic that was mostly never posted, and several Dawson's Creek fics that were CJ/Jen-centric.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Is the Ever Given too obvious?

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I have a whole folder of fics called Limbo.  I've talked about this one before, but I have this idea (and I posted a ficlet of it during an event last year, I think) where Mac spirals after Jack "dies", becomes addicted to pain pills, and pushes everyone away until Jack comes back.  I would love to write it, but the amount of research needed boggles my brain. 

Another one that I probably won't finish is the one post-Regrets (Jack) where (post-Phoenix) Team Improv becomes an elite Search and Rescue team where Jack flies the helicopter, Mac gets winched down to rescue people, etc.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Oh, this is a good question!  And also a tough question.  Umm, Jack's voice, finding unique ways to twist an h/c story,  and the occasional zinger dialogue. 

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Also a good question and another tough one.  Fully fleshing out scenes, not starting paragraphs with someone's name, and coming up with endings that aren't cheesy.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I'm uncomfortable with it because I don't speak any other languages, and everything I know about translation apps/sites makes me nervous.  I named a fic with a word from another language, and I often think about changing it because I'm worried it means something terrible in a different language.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

General Hospital.  Those fics are lost to time (or the secret FFN account that I will never share).  I was 14/15, and they were terrible.  But I'm so glad I had that brief fandom experience.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

For White Collar, it's Redraw the Lines.  I really don't think that answer will ever change.  For MacGyver, that answer changes often, and I'm still writing stuff, so maybe I haven't written it yet.  Today, it's Wearing Your Wounds.

I'm not sure who's been tagged so far, so if you want to play, please say you were tagged by me! 😃

[lovenliterature]

I am in my first year of life and I am dressed in dark green because my mother dislikes pastel tones. Strangers frequently assume I am a boy. She does not correct them.

I am 6 and I am adamant that I would prefer to do judo than ballet. My parents do not disagree.

I am 8 and I have one dress I will willingly wear. It is covered in poppies and it feels like summer. Otherwise I am always to be found in trousers. My mother says they are better for climbing trees, anyway.

I am 11 and playing football after school because girls cannot play football in the normal team. My mother and I often go down to the park so that I can practise. She recalls my father saying he did not want a boy because he did not want to play football. That year each team in our tournament scores the same amount of goals. I save one more than the other two keepers. I am told it shows that girls can do just as well as boys.

I am 12 and a staunch feminist. I am terrified of my developing body. I am so worried about not having my period and being behind everyone. It arrives and I wish I could turn back time so desperately. I go for the male roles in as many productions as I can. Sometimes people remark that I play a boy well.

I am 15, experimenting with names and labels in the safety of online anonymity. I finally cut my hair, as I have been longing to do for months. More than one classmate mistakes me for a boy despite my skirt. I laugh it off and tamp down the twin flames of terror and joy rising in my chest.

I am 16, in love and happy and learning that female is not who I am. An elderly woman asks why I have a girls name written on my hoodie, comments that she thought I was a boy. I don’t think about it too hard, for fear of what I’ll realise. Later, I make an offhand comment about it to friends and one of them makes an attack helicopter joke. I realise that to be trans is to be mocked.

I am 17 and breaking down. I say it out loud for the first time and it feels like my world falls apart. My mother is nothing but supportive and educates herself. I am terrified.

I am 18 and hiding from the reality of coming out. I lose my partner and I will never stop wondering if me coming out set that in motion. I tell my family and they are nothing but kind. We decide not to tell my grandparents. I use my new name for the first time. I start university and no one ever knows me as anything different.

I am 19 and tired. I am losing time and my body is not working right. It feels like it never will. I nearly die. A psychiatrist says there are few measures he can recommend that I am not already taken. He says starting testosterone would likely help.

I am 20 and I have ownership of my name. I have appointments with medical professionals that range from kind and insightful to invasive and woefully uninformed. I begin to grow facial hair. My voice cracks and drops and I’m finally passing more, though not consistently. My body feels more like a home than it ever has.

I am 21 and in legal limbo. I exist in two genders, two names, two nationalities. I may have to travel to Germany to declare my identity in a German court and spend another few thousand pounds on doctors letters. I put off that problem for another day. Grandpa is dead, we are in a pandemic and I’m due to move countries in less than 6 months. Some things will have to wait.

I am 22 and experiencing my gender in German for the first time. It’s exhilarating and bittersweet, tinged with the pain of still having to show the wrong passport to prove my nationality. I translate an autobiography of a trans man from German to English and I realise that this is what I love. I feel more accepted here than I have in the UK. I think, maybe, I could make a home here.

I am 23 and in my final year. I have taken courses that give me the chance to study gender and prove my knowledge of what I want to continue studying. I begin my first job and wind up in the Daily Mail in a mildly transphobic article. I stand by my tweets. Fuck JK Rowling.

I am 24 and the transition milestones are coming thick and fast. I email enquiring about a top surgery date only to be told it would be over half a year. I research another surgeon and contact that in the hope of a consult within a few months. From initial contact to surgery is six weeks. I feel like I have whiplash. I’m so grateful for my new body. After being told that Germany does not accept the new UK birth certificates, I am contacted to say this has now changed. I have a lot of paperwork to do. I get my forms in order and receive a shiny new green birth certificate. I change my NHS number to male. A few months later, I pick up my German passport and for the first time ever, I have documents to prove all the facets of my identity.

I am 25 and back in Vienna, a city dotted with rainbow zebra crossings and traffic lights featuring gay couples. There is a trans zebra crossing near my apartment. It makes me feel a little bit more at home every time I see it. Someone puts up stickers with “cinnamon rolls not gender roles“ near my school. Some of them stay up. I discover I will have to see an endocrinologist here and possibly go through the whole process of diagnosis all over again. I am exhausted. I commission a trans artist to draw my first ever tattoo to celebrate my transition. I am growing up. I find a trans community who switch between German and English as easy as breathing and it feels so, so good to be seen. The vitriol in the UK gets more and more brutal and I do what I can - I educate, I advocate but mostly, I keep myself alive. That has to be enough for now.