#happy 16 years in limbo

[withleeknow]

wishful thinking. (06)

chapter six: like lightning

summary: the instruction was plain and simple: no strings attached. but you should’ve known from the beginning that it could never apply to you and him.

pairing: minho x f!reader rating: 18+ (minors dni) genres/warnings: friends to lovers, friends with benefits au, college au; fluff, angst, smut; mentions of sex, swearing, this chapter is also pretty mild in terms of warnings? the angst begins here tho !!! could've been more edited but yk lol word count: 4.9k

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

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If I never laid eyes on you Would I feel something missing? If you never laid eyes on me Would you know something’s gone?

Happy Accidents - Saint Motel

You don't know if you've ever changed, even once, in your life.

You feel like you're still 8 years old and your best friend is the neighbors' elderly dog that they let you play with every weekend. She's a golden retriever, and she would stand taller than you if she could walk on two legs.

You're still 16 and your happiest memories are of a boy who doesn't love you back. But all of your friends say that he does, and oh, how much you want to believe that their words are true.

And at the same time, you're 22, just a few months shy of 23, sitting in front of a canvas showcasing your own bleeding heart. Your growing pains, laid out by acrylics and gentle brush strokes. You liken yourself to the figure in front of you, the one that's standing in the corner of your painting, overlooking a sea of blues and grays. There's a piece of you that's left behind in everything you create. Sometimes, you leave it there on purpose, a memorabilia for your future self to look back at fondly.

You think of everything in your life that has changed and how you're the only thing that has managed to remain the same. The dog eventually dies and the boy moves on with his life. The passage of time is relentless but you seem to be the only one who can't keep up with the tireless flow. You're always running in place, always stuck behind in the end. There's a past in which you still live, one where you don’t know if you'll ever make it out of.

You think of home and the search comes up empty, like it does every single time. Home isn't here inside of your own body, nor is it within the four walls of your childhood bedroom. You've never felt like you belong anywhere. Everything is always fluctuating, constantly and unabatingly spinning and spinning and spinning when all you're asking for is a minute to stand still and catch your breath.

Home isn't always a place, that much you know. Maybe home isn't even a thing that you build but something that you find, in a person or a touch, in a feeling or a scent. Perhaps that's the problem, isn't it? Home is something you find, and you've spent your whole life searching.

People say your early 20s are supposed to be the best years of your life but that sentiment has never resonated with you. These are the years that you spend in excruciating limbo, where you're not an adult but you're forced to be anyway. The years where loneliness is an invisible friend that shadows you day in and day out, a presence you don’t want around but can't seem to shake off, a haunting that's far too gentle to be considered such. These aren't your best years; these are your saddest years.

None of it helps build character. It just hurts.

It hurts. You accept that it hurts. You keep on living, always accompanied by the hurt. At some point, it stops bothering you as much; you've grown numb to the way it stings, but it doesn't mean that there aren't days where you're pierced with a sudden and debilitating hollowness in your chest.

Here you are, half an adult but still a child, wondering if you know anything more than you did when you were 8.

You just want to go home, but you don't know where home is.

You look at the small pool of yellow acrylic paint that's been sitting on your palette for a while now. It feels so out of place among the other insipid tones, even though that has always been your intention - a burst of life amidst a sea of blues.

You don't think about anything in particular when your fingers pick up a brush and dab it in a generous amount of paint. It doesn't make much sense, but it feels right. You don't think about anything in particular when your hand smears the color on the cavas, on the figure, a startling stroke right in the center of her chest, contrasting all of the dulls and darkness surrounding.

Though, you do think of him afterward. Of him and daffodils and spring.

The rest of your friends are already present when you and Felix show up at Chan and Jess' shared apartment, holding boxes of pizzas and a case of beer.

It's a cute tradition that was started last year, when all of you promised to gather the final Friday of every month to have a cozy little dinner party among yourselves. It usually takes place at Chan's, since his apartment is bigger than the rest of yours, and because him and Jess are practically the parents of the group anyway.

The second you step into the living room, a chorus of groans erupts all around. Hyunjin and Jisung are the most vocal petulant babies, pouting from their seats, complaining that you two took too long and that they've been starving for hours.

You and Felix shrug off your jackets before delegating the tasks to the lot of them, since you were in charge of picking up the food for tonight. Minho and Seungmin grabbing plates and cups from the kitchen for Changbin and Jeongin to set on Chan's large coffee table.

You opt for a seat on the carpeted floor, next to the spot on the cream-colored couch where Minho left his phone, feeling more comfortable this way since the table is a little low for your liking. They come back a few minutes later, and you smile up at Minho when he reclaims his seat on the couch.

"Hi." He smiles back, smoothing a hand over your hair in greeting.

"Hi," you say. Even a touch so simple warms you up from the outside chill you were in mere minutes ago. No one else notices his lingering hand on you, or it's just such a you and Minho thing to be mildly affectionate with each other that the others don't care to comment on anymore.

You all fall into easy conversation soon after everyone starts digging in, chatting amongst yourselves as you always do. You and Hyunjin lament about your respective projects, reiterating the frustration that you've already expressed through your texts for the zillionth time. Chan and Jess nag Jeongin about introducing his girlfriend to the group, to which the younger one responds with an exaggerated groan as one would when their parents ask about grandchildren, though he does placate them by promising to bring her along the next time there's a party.

You don't care enough to tune into Minho's conversation with Changbin and Felix about the new gym they started going to. You do, however, catch Changbin's attempt to tease Minho. A playful scoff, followed by, "Minho lost his abs ages ago."

Your response is automatic and therefore, it doesn't warrant much thought from you before the words are tumbling out of your mouth. "No, he has abs. They're still there."

You don't recognize the weight of your words until you notice all chatter has halted, and you look up to find all eyes on you.

"How do you know that?" Jeongin is the one to voice everyone's collective thought, puzzled, a little surprised.

"Yeah, isn't Minho notoriously weird about that stuff?" Felix adds.

You blink in a daze, and you don't know if your face is reddening because of embarrassment but you sure hope that it isn't. The mouthful you're munching on gives you a reason to stall, your reputation of being a slow eater makes the excuse more believable when you don't answer right away.

As subtly as you can, you nudge Minho's leg with an elbow. He just laughs, though you're pretty certain he can tell that you're internally freaking out.

"I was walking her home from class a few weeks ago and we got caught in the rain. She let me come up to her apartment to change," he says calmly.

You remember that day. He was walking you from campus back to yours, so that part was true. But it didn't start raining until you were both sheltered in the comfort of your apartment, with him on top of you as he fucked you nice and slow on the couch. You didn't know when the rain stopped, but it must've been some time during your shower that you offered him to join with the innocent intention of cleaning yourselves up and saving water, only for him to end up on his knees with his face between your legs and his fingers buried deep inside of you. He'd made you come three times that afternoon, then took you out to udon afterward.

"And you just... changed in the middle of her living room or something?" Changbin asks, his eyes narrowing slightly.

Minho shrugs, completely nonchalant. "Yeah."

The silence in the room persists as you swallow down the bite. Their stare lingers on the pair of you, then they turn to look at each other like they're speaking a secret language that you're unfamiliar with. Why is it such a scandalous thing for you to see Minho without a shirt? You've seen your other guy friends shirtless numerous times before, when all of you are hanging out in someone's apartment on particularly hot summer days.

Though, they aren't wrong. The arrangement between the two of you muddles your memory, but you don't really remember seeing Minho flaunt his bare skin often before.

You're about to squeeze out a weak response to aid Minho's explanation, but your friends just start nodding along in acceptance.

"I guess that makes sense. If there's anyone who would see him naked, it'd be Y/N."

This definitely makes you blush. Minho laughs again.

"What?! I did not see him naked."

Well, look who's a liar now?

"Y/N, and whoever he's banging," Hyunjin supplies, which seriously doesn't help the flush on your cheeks at all.

"Why would it make sense that it was me?" you protest.

"Because you're his favorite." Jess is the one who answers, to which the rest of your friends all hum in agreement. The way they're reacting makes it seem as though it's just a fact of life that you're Minho's favorite, and that whatever boundary he lets you cross or whatever rule he breaks when it comes to you is simply a result of this fact.

Not once has it crossed your mind that everyone might have a favorite person in the group, but now that it's been said, you quickly conclude that Minho would be your favorite too (your secret arrangement notwithstanding.)

You glance up at him, seeking reassurance with a curious blink. "Am I?"

"You're alright," is what he tells you in lieu of a confirmation. "The least annoying one."

And you don't know if it's the way he speaks ever so gently when he looks at you or how his lips curl up in a knowing smile that sends a tingle of warmth down your spine. Or perhaps the culprit is the softness in his sharp eyes that makes you a little dizzy, makes a pair of butterflies go rampant at the pit of your stomach, as though they're prepared to soar when the ardor of spring begins to thaw the winter frost.

Chan laughs, "That's practically a declaration of love from Minho."

At one point, Hyunjin looks around and comments with a mouth stuffed full of pizza, "Wow. We are literally perfectly divided."

All eyes fall onto him, clearly no one is catching his drift.

Hyunjin swallows his food and washes it down with a big sip of beer before gesturing vaguely at the group, "All the singles are on the floor."

You look at the people on the couch while they stare back at you, Hyunjin, Seungmin, Changbin and Felix sitting comfortably on the fluffy rug.

"I'm single," Jisung says, pointing at himself. "Should I get on the floor?"

"No, you're not," Seungmin says flatly.

"What?"

"Didn't you get back together with your ex girlfriend?"

"What?" Jisung practically squeaks out. "Man, what are you talking about?"

"I live with you. We literally share a wall. I heard you last week. The whole two hours."

“You were home?!”

"My shoes were by the door. I had dishes in the sink. I went to the bathroom to pee several times."

Jisung gasps, growing redder and redder as more eyes start diverting their attention to him. He opens his mouth only to promptly close it as he thinks of what to say. Repeats the process a few times. "We didn't hear you. You never said anything," is what he settles on stuttering out. Then, "Why didn't you bring it up? Why do you have to air out my dirty laundry now?"

"It's more entertaining to embarrass you in front of everyone." Seungmin shrugs, and ignores Changbin's subsequent comment calling him a pervert. "And no wonder you didn't hear me. You were going at it like you were rabid."

"Wait," Jeongin says, "when did you even get back together?"

"We didn't. It's complicated! We're just… y'know…"

When Jisung trails off sheepishly with the bright blush still apparent on his cheeks, Minho cuts in, finishing his sentence bluntly, "Boning."

You send him a glare from where you're seated on the floor, to which he just gives you a lopsided grin and nudges you with his knee.

While everyone else is busy bombarding Jisung with questions on potentially getting back together with his ex, Minho quietly slithers down to the floor like a stealthy cat, squeezing himself into the space between you and Felix. Minho rests his arm behind you on the couch, leaving it stretched out comfortably on the cushions, just lightly touching your back. Usually, when you two are alone, he would have his arm wrapped around your shoulders so he could pull you close, until you're safely tucked into his side where you would remain on most of your evenings spent together. But for now, he leaves his arm where it grazes you only slightly as you sit among friends, with the exception of his hand reaching to play with your hair once in a while.

"Hey!" Hyunjin practically screeches, pointing at Minho when he notices. "Why did you get on the floor?"

"What?" Minho asks innocently. "You said the singles are on the floor."

"You're not single. You have a girlfriend."

"I don't have a girlfriend."

Hyunjin scoffs. "You have a sneaky link."

"Hmm, not the same as a girlfriend."

"Why can't you just tell us, man? There's gotta be something else you're hiding."

You stay quiet, still as a statue while they bicker back and forth, like the mere motion of your breathing could give your secret away. You don't doubt that Hyunjin has been hounding Minho about his new discovery ever since the night of Yeonjun's party, but Minho seems unfazed about it, evading Hyunjin's badgering with a calm composure that's distinct to no one else.

You excuse yourself to the bathroom, quickly shuffling away as if your absence at the table would help make things seem less suspicious for Minho. You splash some water on your face, wait for a while until it feels like an appropriate amount of time has passed for them to have already moved onto another topic. You are, quite literally, hiding from your own friends.

Moments later, you re-enter the room with gentle footsteps and a certain tension in your spine, but you soon grow relieved when you find that the conversation has somehow shifted to Seungmin and his on-again off-again not-girlfriend, about which he just seems kinda sad for a few seconds before he's telling everyone to fuck off and mind their own business, always quick to conceal any and all emotions. He's similar to you in that way, you suppose.

You sit back down next to Minho who's still on the floor, though you put a little distance between your bodies that wasn't previously there. You don't know if it's enough to be noticeable, but he does look at you for a brief moment before leaning a bit closer, asking softly so only you could hear, "Walk you home later?"

You embark on the familiar route from Chan and Jess' place back to yours. It's not that late, barely even 10PM on a Friday night, but the streets are almost deserted. Barely anyone tipsily roaming the streets with their friends in tow; just a few cars passing by every now and then. You relish in the peace and quiet, sighing softly to yourself as you walk in the crisp evening air.

Minho takes casual strides next to you, letting his hand brush against your hand for a while until his pinky finds its way around yours. The tranquility of the city is nice, but being with Minho is even nicer.

Just some of the stars have come out to play, though the way they gleam and glimmer is enough to make up for what they lack in numbers. It's easy to get lost tonight, when you're looking up at an infinite sky with little light and only Minho's pinky hooked around yours like an anchor to guide you back home.

In the grand scheme of things, you're just a speck of dust. You're young and confused - 23 is still a child in your mind - and most of all, you're insignificant. Not in a self-disparaging way. Maybe in the literal sense of the word would be more accurate.

You are insignificant, merely a face among billions of faces. In a crowd of hundreds, or maybe only dozens, you're not someone who would stand out and be picked. Sometimes, it's nice to blend right in and hide in plain sight; you don't particularly enjoy being under the spotlight anyway. But sometimes, it's lonely to be just a drop in the ocean. You could sink right to the bottom and no one would even notice.

Maybe that's why you enjoy being around Minho so much. He makes you feel safe, and seen, like you matter in the end. He makes you feel like if you were to disappear one day, there's a person out there who would go to the ends of the earth in search of you.

You hope that he sticks around, that he wants to be in your life for as long as you can have him. You're not sure what it is that makes you sick to your stomach at the mere thought of losing him; perhaps because you know you will never come across another one like Minho in your lifetime. There's nobody else that can make you feel the same way he does.

I don't want to lose you. You're the only good thing I have.

An intersection, two left turns, and your apartment building comes into view all too soon.

"Wanna come up?" you ask bashfully. The streetlights do a good job at masking your light flush.

"I can't tonight," he says, a little apologetic. "I'm going to my parents' house first thing in the morning."

"Oh." You're disappointed for no specific reason. Sure, you were practically glued to Minho's side for most of the evening, but you were also surrounded by the very friends who are unaware that you two have been sneaking around behind their backs. It's been about over a week since you hung out with him alone, which isn't that long ago by any means, but still. "For the weekend?"

"Yeah, just for the weekend."

There's a selfish urge, just a tiny one, to ask him to come for a while anyway, maybe only twenty minutes or so, but you swallow it down and wave it away. "Okay, have fun. Say hi to the cats for me."

"I'll send you pictures," he tells you. "They miss you, y'know."

You smile at that, laughing a little. "They've met me once."

Last fall, you and your friends all took a weekend trip to Minho's childhood home for his birthday. It was fun for you, though you're not sure how much his parents actually enjoyed it, considering they had to house and feed almost a dozen kids that weren't their own. You remember the cats, of course you do, and how Soonie took an immediate liking to you, how he mostly hovered around your personal space whenever you were in the house.

"No, seriously. My mom says Soonie meows your name once a day."

You throw him an eye roll, accompanied by a light punch to his shoulder.

"Goodnight, Min," you say. "Text me when you get home."

"Okay."

Even after that, the two of you still stay rooted to the spot, your pinkies interlocked. Minho's gaze doesn't leave your face, and for a moment there, it feels like most of the stars didn't show up because they all left to gather in his eyes.

"Can't go up if you don't let me,” you quip, glancing at your hands, knowing full well that you can easily retract your finger if you want to.

His eyes stay on you for just a moment longer. "Let me kiss you," he asks softly, releasing your pinky only to take your hand in his, tugging you closer until you’re all up in each other's personal space.

You blink at him, your heart caught somewhere in your throat. You're close enough that you can feel the warmth radiating off his body. "Min…" you murmur but you don't actually know what you want to tell him, so the nickname hangs like an idle lantern in the bubble of space between your faces.

"Just a goodnight kiss."

"Friends don't kiss," you say meekly, reminiscent of your conversation over a week ago.

"Friends don't have sex either," he repeats.

"But we’re not having sex."

"You asked me to come upstairs. What do you think we would've done?"

And he's right. If he had agreed to come up, then you would probably be pressed against the door right now, with his hands trailing down your body, removing every article of clothing they find, his lips kissing every exposed patch of skin along the way.

Minho would've been kissing you regardless - anywhere and everywhere, and you wouldn't have had any qualms about it like you do right now, even though you want to kiss him too.

"Maybe I wanted you to come up to make you peel tangerines for me while we watch a movie."

He says nothing to that, only grins amusedly and leans in to nudge his nose against yours. It's so cute that you can't help but mirror the quirk of his lips. You're sure that no one else gets to see this version of him - the one that boops you like an overly affectionate cat and smiles like you're his favorite person not just in your little group, but in the whole wide world.

"I haven't kissed you all week," he murmurs, his voice so gentle in the quietude that surrounds you. "You were right there but I couldn't kiss you all night."

You lose yourself in his brown eyes, the same eyes that hold nothing but sincerity and fondness for you. The stars here are brighter than the ones overhead.

"Let me kiss you," Minho says, "please?"

You cave. Of course you do.

The first glide of his lips over yours has you weak in the knees. Something sinks in as he kisses you deeply. Under the streetlights, not surrounded by your familiar four walls like a long lost secret but out in the open where anyone can see, even though there's not a single soul around.

Tears well up behind your eyelids the same way they did that morning you woke up next to him for the first time. You don't know what it is, never felt this way around anyone except for him. It's akin to the feeling of finally coming home after being away for a long time, or at least that's what you think that's how it would feel.

You don't want to be caged in by the walls of your own making. You want to be seen, and you want to be seen by him. You're the remnants of snow and ice stuck between cracks in the sidewalk, and he is warmth. You're a mosaic of a daffodil garden caught in an endless winter, and he is spring. Minho is the brief but wonderful moment when cherry blossoms have yet to fall from their branches, but green leaves are already growing impatiently, resulting in the beautiful coexistence of pinks and greens if only just for a few days.

You let him kiss you until you're both out of breath, let him wrap his strong arms around your body and hold you like he could mend all of your broken pieces. Maybe he could. Maybe you'd like him to make you whole again.

When Minho pulls away, he doesn't stray very far. He puts enough distance between your faces so you can catch your breath. But even then, you have a hard time getting air back into your lungs. He's looking at you like he would pick the moon for you if you asked, like moving mountains is no more difficult than peeling tangerines for you whenever you get a craving.

The streetlights are dim, but the stars in his eyes are bright enough to tell you something that his words don't.

It hits you all at once, in a moment where even the wind is still, as if it's been reduced to a mere spectator, watching the two of you with bated breath on the sidelines. The tipping point can be something as simple as him asking - almost pleading - to kiss you goodnight with no ulterior motive, no other intention than because he wants to. As though it would kill him if he had to go another minute without kissing you.

You realize why he's the yellow to your sea of blues, why you're so happy every time you look at the bracelet on your wrist. You realize why you feel so safe around him, why he makes you experience emotions that no one else can. You realize why you don’t like hearing about Hana, or any other person in the same sentence as his name with the implication that he could be romantically involved with them.

You realize why you kissed him for the first time all those months ago, and it wasn't because you were sad and he just happened to be there and let you cry on his shoulder. The times that your friends would tell you how you and Minho would be perfect together - you wanted it to be true. You knew it was true - that he was someone you could love, the only person who's worth opening up to. You kissed him because you wanted to love him. You realize why it made you soar when he kissed you back, because you wanted him to love you too.

You realize why the thought of losing this friendship terrifies you. You realize why you asked him to stay that night after the party and the club, even though you had never allowed him to sleep over before. You realize why the other week you let him only kiss you and nothing else, and you realize why your heart is hammering in your chest this very second, why your knees are weak, why you can't really breathe here in the middle of an empty street under a moonless sky, just because he's looking at you as if it's not the sun that the earth revolves around but rather, it's a girl who has never learned how to say what she means.

You're good at leaving things alone; it's a skill that you've unintentionally mastered over the years. Nothing has to change if you let it remain the same. And yet, the one exception always seems to be Minho, and you're a mirror of yourself when you're with him. You like the version of you that only he's able to bring out, and he does it effortlessly every time. He pulls happiness out of you so easily that it's hard to ignore what you feel for him, hard to convince yourself that what you harbor for him is still only platonic affection.

It comes bubbling up to the surface without your permission. It strikes you the same way lightning splits open the whole sky on a cloudless night, abrupt and unmistakeable. Love isn't something that you've ever come close to, and you have always been an unbeliever when people answer "You just know," in response to "How do you know when it is love?"

Though as you stand right here, right now, you think maybe this is what love is supposed to look like, personified with starry eyes and shallow dimples when he smiles.

Before he leaves, Minho presses another sweet kiss to your cheek. You're still dazed by the dawning, overwhelmed by the recognition that you can only mutter a stupid "Bye," when he bids you good night.

As you watch him go, there's something else you realize, almost tragically, that you've always been a ruiner. You run away the moment shit starts getting too real, even if it means letting beautiful things slip through your fingers like running water.

Love just isn't something you've ever learned to hold.

all rights reserved © withleeknow. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted 15.04.2024]

[zinfindoll]

Gehenna | fem!reader x twst | 00.

[ ao3 | quotev ]

[ index | next chapter (coming soon!) ]

Rating: T CW: Injuries, gore, mentioned death

AN: i wanted to write smth spooky for halloween so i have a reader from the evil dead world being sent over to twisted wonderland. this takes place directly at the end of evil dead 2, when ash gets sent to 1300 A.D.! you do not need to watch or consume evil dead media to hopefully enjoy this piece <3 I do not update often on here but feel free to follow my AO3 or Quotev for more constant updates! <3 there are currently more chapters uploaded to AO3 and Q right now.

It was funny how everything could change in the span of two days.  In just two days, you had watched your sister and her friends die.  In just two days you had gone from the happy-go-lucky 16 year old to a war-hardened vet.  You had seen everybody around you get brutally murdered, had seen your older brother get possessed and try to kill you, had fought against forces best left unseen.

And now, you were dying.

Everything hurt.  Your body felt like it was on fire, and you felt cold.  As you lied on the ground next to the lifeless body of Annie, you struggled to prop yourself up on your one good arm.  Each movement brought fresh waves of pain that had you whimpering.

You had come so far.  So fucking far.  And for what?  To bleed out just when the demon had been defeated?  What a joke.

Your brother crawled over to where you and Annie laid, and you could see tears drip from his eyes as he helped you to sit up.  "We did it," he gasped.  Blood dripped from his head from one of the many wounds he had gotten in his own fight against the Kandarian demon.  "No, no, c'mon kid, stay with me!"

Ash was rapidly smacking your cheek, the sensation stinging.  You didn't realize your eyes had been closing, and you groggily opened them back up, staring up at his panic-stricken face.

"M...  Really tired."  Your words were slurred, and he began to shake you.  In any other instance you would have scolded him for being so rough.  If somebody was bleeding out, you didn't try to give them shaken baby syndrome!

"God damn it, stay awake!"

"Why... are you always so loud?" you rasped.  Before he could respond, though, the cabin door flung open, revealing what could only be described as a worm hole of sorts.  It sucked everything in indiscriminately, and you watched with faint amusement as you could see Ash's car be pulled in from outside.  That was rough.

"Agh!"

Ash cried out, holding you close with his one good arm.  You appreciated him not bringing his chainsaw hand near you, although perhaps that would be the final step to put you out of your misery.

"How do you stop this?!"  Ash exclaimed as the two of you began to be pulled across the floor.  You grimaced at the feel of being pulled by such a strong force.

"Don't worry 'bout me," you muttered.  "Just go."

Ash held onto you tighter.  "No!  First Cheryl...  I'm not losing you, either!"

It was easier said than done, though.  Neither you nor Ashley were strong enough to resist the pull of the vortex, and with no solid grip, you were the first to be pulled in.  You offered no resistance, weakly clutching onto the Kandarian dagger that you had managed to pry from Annie's back.

He cried out your name as you felt yourself lift up off the ground; and the last thing you saw was his distraught face before the world around you turned black.

You were dead.  This, you were certain.  After all, not only were you standing in complete darkness, but you were completely uninjured.  You didn't feel any pain, and both of your arms were in perfect working condition.  You even flexed your left fingers experimentally, relieved to see everything was in order.

Everything that had happened was fresh in your mind, which was why you knew, without a doubt...  

You were dead.

So where were you?  Was this limbo?  Was this truly the afterlife?  Desolate and bleak?  You had at least been hoping to see Cheryl again, but even she was gone.

You were completely alone.

Your knees buckled underneath you, the weight of everything that had happened weighing on you.  You sank to the cold ground, and you let out a shuddering breath.

"You're not dead yet."

Your head snapped up, but you made no move to stand.  In front of you stood...  Well, something.  You weren't sure if it was exactly a person.  Their form seemed to shift and phase.  It was humanoid in shape, but you couldn't really process any features, as if your mind was incapable of handling such a feat.  At this point, you weren't surprised.  The past few days had been literal hell for you.

"What does that mean?"

Slowly, you forced yourself to stand back up.  Your legs trembled, but you stayed standing.  The figure was only a little bit taller than you, and their voice was layered.  When they spoke, it was as if many voices were speaking at once, an amalgamation of tones that created a dissonance in your mind.

"You fought well against the Kandarian demon and the Deadites, child."

"The....  huh?"

The entity sighed, although it seemed to be more in amusement than anything else.  Its tone remained calm and patient, addressing your obvious confusion.

"The ones you once loved, possessed by demons from another plane...  Those beings are, of course, the Deadites I refer to.  It is rather unfortunate that you had to encounter them...  But it is, whether you like it or not, the best."

"The best?  Those things killed my sister, my friends — me."  Your voice was choked up, cracking.  But the being said you weren't dead yet.  Was there hope for you?

"Indeed," the entity did not seem phased by your outburst.  "You and your brother, Ashley Joanna Williams, were prophesized to be the ones to fight against the Kandarian demon, far before your ancestry could be traced back.  Whether you like it or not, it is your duty to protect the Necronomicon from those who wish to wield it.

"You and Ashley Joanna Williams...  Are set to save the world, one day."

You shook your head.  Your throat felt dry.  "No.  No.  We're just...  a couple of idiots from Michigan.  We've never done anything remarkable throughout our lives.  You...  Have to be mistaken.  This was all a mistake.  A simple case of the wrong place and wrong time."  You shook your head again.  There was no way...  No way your fate was to do something so scary.  It was a mistake.  You refused to believe otherwise.

The entity was not perturbed by your adamancy, nor did it budge.  "Whether you want to believe it or not, it is true.  When you are much older, you will face off against Kandar the Destroyer."  The entity paused in its wording, before continuing.  "However...  I do not believe it is time yet to thrust you into such a role.  As Ashley Joanna Williams has been sent to find his own way and truth, so will you."

"Where is my brother?"

You took a hesitant step forward.  If this meant Ash was still alive...  You could at least rest a little bit easier.

"1300 A.D."

You nearly choked on your spit, slapping your hand over your mouth.  "He's where?!"  Your voice came out in a squeak.

"Fret not, child.  I will not be sending you so far back in the past.  His job is to save that era from darkness.  You, too, will be sent somewhere where your presence is needed."

"I want to go back home—"

The entity waved its hand.

"And in time, you shall return to Elks Grove.  But for now, you have your own part to play.  Rest easy, child.  Your story...  Is just beginning."

 The darkness began to lighten up, and you watched as the entity began to fade.

"Who are you?"

The entity spoke next, but it was pure static in your ears.  Brightness engulfed you.

When you woke up, your body was in pain.  You were surrounded by darkness once more, but you could tell this time it was because you were in an enclosed space.

Is this...  a coffin?!

You felt like you were going to throw up.  Sharp pains radiated throughout your torso, and you held your hand up to your abdomen only to find it sticky.  You were still bleeding.  Even worse, only your right hand had any movement, your left arm dangling uselessly at your side.  It was for the best you couldn't see it right now; when possessed, Ash had driven his chainsaw through your forearm.  It was a miracle it was still attached.

"Well, at least somebody had the decency to stay in their coffin before I could grab them!"  The muffled voice was flamboyant in nature, and you winced as light began to crack through the lids.  "Once I grab this last student, we can be on our way to the entrance ceremony to get you all sorted— hm?!"

As the lid was removed, you couldn't help but fall forward.  You landed on the ground with a rough thud, and you were grateful you didn't break your nose in the process.  The room was tinted blue, and you could have sworn you saw books floating around you in the peripheral of your vision.

"Sevens — what has happened to you?!  There's so much blood....!"

The voice was panicked, and you were rolled over onto your back.  You saw glimpses of two faces; one covered in a strange, black mask, and the other of a person with long black hair and worried silver eyes.

"Never in all of my tenure...  No matter!  We must get her to the infirmary posthaste!"

"What the..."

Before the words could finish leaving your lips, everything, once more, went black.

[thestarsmakemedream-art]

ART MASTERPOST - SUPTOBER24

So this is it. The finished project. Here you can find all of them:

1. Autumn 2. Spa Day 3. Royalty 4. Birthday 5. Scars

6. Electric 7. Thankful 8. Witch's Brew 9. Moon 10. Mushroom

11. Myth 12. Harvest Festival 13. Monster Mash 14. Fave Episode 15. Sigils

16. Falling 17. Wings 18. Family Business 19. Dark&Stormy Night 20. Limbo

21. Cozy Treats 22. Ladies 23. Fever 24. Branded 25. Parody

26. Enchanted 27. Prayer 28. Graves 29. Blue 30. Nostalgia

31. Halloween / Costumes

Shout out to @wigglebox for organizing this year's suptober!!! Plus check out her work, I loved all of the drawings.

My thoughts about this experience under the cut:

So I'm quite happy with the fact that I finished a long drawing challenge (first time in my life).

In a way it was good for my perfectionism, because ain't no way that all these would turn out good, with sometimes short time for it. Now I can appreciate more when I have time for one drawing. :D

It's so weird how long the first few prompts were. It's only a month and I feel like it was several months ago, like during the summer or something.

The routine. I did not draw anything today and I have an itch for it :D

And one more interesting thing was what the people like. Not necessarily what I like, so anyway here are my favourites: 1. Autumn, 5. Scars, 8. Witch's Brew, 9. Moon, 12. Harvest Festival, 14. Fave Episode, 18. Family Business, 22. Ladies, 25. Parody, 29. Blue, 30. Nostalgia, 31. Halloween/Costume.

[anime-grimmy-art]

It’s this time of the year again, folks. Time to wrap up the art Ive made in the last 12 months in another Year in Review! I’ve noticed that this is my fifth Year in Review in a row, so I’ll be making an extra post looking back on the progress in those last 5 years!

I've got a lot to say about this year, but purely art wise, I've gone all when it comes to comics, damn! I've kinda found a format that is messy, and therefore more time efficient, yet still looks good. I even made 2 animatics and lotsa shorts/reels! All that on top of opening coms twice, and, oh yeah, MAKING A WHOLE ASS 4MIN ANIMATION ON MY OWN.

How is my hand still alive.

2023 has been….interesting, to say the least. The first half year I was working on my thesis project, aka making an animated short all on my own (in the art department), which makes it honestly surprising how much I managed to churn out between animating. Trigun rly did have me in a choke hold.

Summer was a bit more spotty, esp. with me not being able to draw anything during August as I was writing my thesis (and doing commissions). And towards the end of the year, Kingdom Hearts tried to save me, but alas, Genshin Impact has finally sunk its teeth into me and dragged me to the bottom of the rabbit hole. It all started with me watching a story summary and lore videos while I was sick after my thesis and I was too intrigued to not dig deeper and well, first I fell in love with Kaeya and then the ships started dropping in left and right.

I’m not gonna lie, the last few months have been weird. I finished my masters in October, and have been on job hunt since, sadly without success so far. I’m existing in this weird limbo of still not grasping I’m not a student anymore after 18 years in education, not really being able to accept I’m an adult, yet desperately trying to find something so I can make a routine, cos rn Im too scared to build a rhythm as I know I’ll have a so much harder time readjusting again. It’s left me in a weird emotional state, where most of the time I feel fine, but when it counts, there’s just, nothing. No joy at getting my diploma, no anticipation to finally go to a convention again, neither any sadness hearing my grandfather died. It frustrates me that it extends to my art as well, there’s excitement over ideas and concepts, but no motivation to pick up the pencil, which makes me either not finish art at all or making so many shortcuts and just ending up with sth not satisfactory to me since it’s not the idea I sought after.

Tho, not everything is doom and gloom. I DID finish a whole ass short animation and got my masters degree, that IS sth to be proud of. Also, while Im struggling at drawing, I’ve also kinda started integrating my shortcuts into my style and some stuff I’ve thrown together actually turns out real good nowadays. Also, and this might be a bit of a weird one, I’m so fucking happy to know I can still enjoy gay ships. I’ve been a bit uncertain over the last few years because when I was around 16-18, I had a real big yaoi phase, which mostly came from the fact so much stuff came out that tickled my brain in the right way (Free, Haikyuu, etc.). But over the years, my enthusiasm died down, and I even started to resent some ships because it’s all some fandoms produced. I often found myself liking a hetero ship more than the popular gay ship, which really made me not wanna stick around because I did not care for most fanart and you can only go through a tag with art you don’t care about so long before you lose interest. I think in retrospect that it rly had nothing to do with the ships being gay ships but rather cos the fans just shoved it in your face when you didn’t care (and shipping culture nowadays also can get real scary). But I’m so happy to see I can still get obsessed with a ship and it’s all thanks to Haikaveh/Kavetham. It really just needed the right flavour for me to dig in again. And oh my god, I FINALLY like a ship with a SHIT TON of art and fanfictions, no more scrounging the crumbs from the bottom of the barrel. 

Anyways, enough lamenting. Here’s to hoping I can bite my tongue and get shit started properly in 2024, and that my brainrots may make me obsessed enough to churn out an obscene amount of fanart again.

[moutheyes]

many thoughts about currently airing QL

i meant to get this done earlier but i blinked and it's almost we are wednesday again. however, i still wanna get some thoughts on page for posterity.

only boo (completed!)

while this show had its imperfections, its triumphs largely outweighed its shortcomings. as a vehicle to showcase seakeen's acting abilities, chemistry, and viability as a cp, you really couldn't have asked for much more. moo is a son of all time, and both he and kang were fully realized characters that were a joy to watch and root for each week.

i think the writing sacrificed some of its side plots to the trope gods—the secondary romance between potae and payos deserved more than endless miscommunication, while shone's reintroduction as an eleventh-hour obstacle was clunky at best. there are also valid criticisms to be made about gmmtv's (in)ability to deliver a substantial in-text critique of the idol industry's stance on dating, and if that had been part of the show's thesis, maybe i'd feel more strongly about it, but it wasn't. it was an obstacle for the relationship between kang and moo, and as a gmmtv romcom, it was never positioned to promise anything more than a happy ending.

was the central storyline strong enough to overcome some of the uneven writing towards the end? to me, yes, absolutely it was. kangmoo was the beating heart of the show, and the script did everything right, up until graduation, to make us buy into not only their individual characterizations and motivations but also the strength of their relationship, the mutual support and adoration and understanding that made their love feel so much fuller. i'm going to miss having seakeen on my screen every sunday and i hope they get the superstar projects they deserve moving forward.

wandee goodday (ep 8 of 12)

this show has kind of entered a mushy middle stage for me. fake dating, as a trope, requires healthy suspension of belief, and the fwb setup is working at odds with that. it's become very evident in the last couple of episodes, where the only way dee and yak can individually keep up their own pretenses (more on dee's side, tbf to yak) is through a deliberate failure of communication, which gets exhausting to watch after a while. i'm glad yak finally confessed his feelings at the end of ep 8; hopefully the show can emerge out of this storytelling slump and end on a strong note.

oye and cher's proposal scene made me emotional, though. it was so sweet and so simple, and although we still don't have too much background on their relationship, it felt very organic to what we know of them, with the imaginary ring and the casual spontaneity of it all.

my stand-in (ep 9 of 12)

i was not expecting this to be my front-runner for show of the year, but it's really hitting on all levels for me: acting (up is always special, and poom has been a revelation), production (cinematography and camerawork are magnificent), and storytelling (smart, elegant adaptation and localization choices for the most part). with 3 episodes left and most of the major secrets revealed, there's plenty of time for groveling, retribution, and tying up loose ends, by which i mean fucking in missionary. no major notes; carry on.

we are (ep 12 of 16)

last week's episode was a bit slow even by this show's own standards, but what i liked about it was getting to see more of phum and fang's home life and how that has shaped their approaches to relationships. a lot of it was implied in the earlier episodes, so seeing it depicted a little more clearly—phum's abandonment issues and current friction with his father, fang's self-imposed perfectionism—introduced some much-needed depth to their characters.

also, unlike dee and yak's infuriating situationship in wandee goodday, i don't mind the undefined limbo that phum and peem have been occupying. this show has shown us that peem struggles with articulating his sense of self, most notably through his art, so it makes sense to me that he would be overly cautious in confirming his own feelings on an intellectual level, despite being able to act on his emotional and physical connection to phum.

i'm a little worried the show isn't leaving enough room to properly develop chainpun as the final couple, but what we haven gotten is delightful. in another universe this is the friends-to-lovers slowburn of my dreams.

knock knock boys (ep 5 of 12)

speaking of delights, this show is so fucking underrated. it has given me everything i wanted from its pilot trailer: the housemate shenanigans and comedic beats are chef's kiss, of course, but there's also a real sense of a camaraderie being built up between the four boys. the acting, also, has been remarkably even; i knew seng and best would bring it, but jaonine and nokia have held their own and really inhabited their roles.

i'm actually really pleased that jane is, in fact, peak's fiancee. the vibes that some of us got from that initial glimpse of their relationship wasn't wrong, though—they treat each other the way siblings do, which is probably indicative of an arrangement between their families. jane is on "i got your location from your dad" terms with peak's father, but she's also on "i'll cover for you and pretend you're not here" terms with peak, even as she's fully committed to invading his space and annoying the snot out of him until he gives in and stops running from his problems. extremely sibling behavior!! there is not a single whiff of romance between the two of them, but they are facing a difficult situation that will need to be resolved before either of them can move on and live their lives.

one thing about this show that i keep thinking about is the significance of thanwa's wardrobe. i clocked in ep 1 that he and his (probable) ex dressed very similarly, and the scene with the two of them in ep 5 just drove that detail home. now that we know thanwa a little better, i wonder if he's the type of person to conform to a lover's aesthetic (consciously or subconsciously). he is a caretaker and a little bit of a pushover, and clothing choice is a way that could manifest. it might not be anything, but i also wouldn't be surprised if we see some of peak's style sneak into thanwa's wardrobe as their romance develops.

there's so much more i could say about this show! the characters are all so fascinating to me, both individually and as a group!!! i'm gonna be late for a movie if i keep typing, though, so i will try to organize further thoughts after this week's episode.

love sea (ep 3 of 10)

as far as mame shows go, this has been unexpectedly enjoyable from the jump. fortpeat are delivering a much different dynamic than their whumpfest from LITA, and if you take out all the smoldering sex scenes, there has been plenty of actual character (and relationship) development through dialogue, which i appreciate. i like that the tension isn't confined to simple class difference; the writing situates mut at the intersection of various regional, economic, and environmental concerns, and that makes him so much more compelling as a foil to tongrak's more conventional slate of bl traumas. i do hope the show continues to maintain those core parts of his characterization as the romance progresses.

[calaisreno]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

I was tagged by @7-percent, @totallysilvergirl and @gaylilsherlock. Thank you!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 

147. I’ve been here nearly 6 years, some years more prolific than others. 

2. What's your total A03 word count?

Right now, just shy of 2M: 1,937,496, to be exact

3. What fandoms do you write for?

BBC Sherlock and ACD Sherlock

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Synchronicity Date Night A Chronic Condition The Wedding Gift Blank Slate Wooing Sherlock Holmes has recently moved up and is close enough to nudge its way to number 5.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always, even if it’s just to say thank you. I appreciate comments, often feel humbled by the compliments people give. It just feels right to respond. (Maybe if I were getting hundreds of comments a day, I would have to rethink that.)

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Either Below Zero or The New Gardener. Both have MCD, but sort of a soft landing. Also Learning the Heart and The Real You, but those also have endings that mitigate the angst, a bit.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I write a lot of happy endings; it’s my preferred resolution.  My choice: The Short Tragic Death of John Watson. John does NOT die, but there’s a very cheesy happy ending that made many readers scream.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No. A couple rude comments, but no intentional hatred.

9. Do you write smut?

Not much. I don’t write PWP, but include a sex scene where the plot seems to need it. I'm not opposed; it's just not my usual.

10. Do you write crossovers?

I’ve written two GO/Sherlock stories: Limbo and Hell and Back. I’ve written stories that borrow from other fandoms, but are not exactly crossovers. The closest to a crossover would be Serendipity, which borrows plot from the movie. I’ve borrowed from movie and book universes to make an original story (Eye of the Storm, A Chamber to be Haunted, Do No Harm), and I’ve borrowed premises (The Real You)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

About 60 of my fics have been translated, most of them into Russian, a couple into Chinese, on into Spanish. 

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. 

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Sherlock Holmes/John Watson

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

The Secret of Agra: a post-Reichenbach fic that I started in 2020. It has been through several transformations. I rarely give up permanently on a story, though. A few have grown into something new that I ended up posting. I expect I'll finish this when inspiration strikes me.

16. What are your writing strengths?

The things readers most often compliment me on: 

Character voice and emotions.  

World building. 

Versatility: historical fiction, case fics, science fiction, fantasy, rom-coms, etc.

Making readers cry.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action scenes. In Greek tragedy you simply have a character enter and describe the murder that’s just occurred offstage. In fanfiction, that’s a nope. And you have to think out every move, make the scene visual. I admire writers who make this seem effortless. (That's you, @discordantwords !!!) Description: finding non-cliche ways to describe things/people without making it weird and overly fussy.  Being too minimal: I am not a wordy writer; minimalism was how I was taught, but sometimes I need to be wordier.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I’ve done bits of this, but only in languages I’ve studied. I have a degree in Latin, and have used that in couple stories: A Demon's Tale, Accidental Magic. 

19. First fandom you wrote for?

The first and only fandom I’ve posted in is Sherlock Holmes (ACD and BBC). I don’t have any plans to move. I used to write original fiction, but have found fanfiction so much more rewarding.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

This is hard to answer. Last Envoy is the story I’m most proud of.  I write the stories I want to read, and I do re-read a number of them, some more than others. My favorite fic written in 2023 is The Traveller.

Has everybody been tagged? How about @mydogwatson @lisbeth-kk @discordantwords @copperplatebeech @keirgreeneyes @meetinginsamarra @bertytravelsfar @jrow @thegildedbee @helloliriels @gregorovitchworld ???

[sinister-system6]

Intro post!

This is now a blog for my ENTIRE system!

(image is to represent us, all pics taken from Pinterest)

Hi, if you don't know us, our body's name is Hunter, we usually introduce ourselves as a trans woman, but we do have some male alters.

I, the one writing this, am called Lillian, I am the host and also a persecutor which is an interesting combination to have. In this post, I will introduce the alters in my system and also let them speak for themselves if they wish to.

To start, there's Alex

Alex is a butch sapphic muscle mommy, she is blonde and has a side shaved hair with a ponytail. She is sad most of the time and longs for someone to love. She is a huge dork and loves love. She also used to be a host, but was demoted once I showed up. Sorry not sorry. She is also a really good musician and producer.

There'a Alisson, who's a femboy. He is our most sexual alter and usually fronts in sexual moments because (and this is how he describes himself) he is a cockdrunk slut. He is a trauma holder to an event that happend especifically to him.

There's Allister, who says he's a demon from the depths of hell. He is funny and an ageslider from 16 to 21, and stole his name from the Pokemon SwSh ghost-type gym leader. The first time he showed up, Alex was trying to sleep and he kept trying to talk to everyone in the headspace. He also has really strong echolalia.

Ash is our protector, our caretaker. He is currently questioning his entire existance because he believed to be AroAce, but started to have bisexual thoughts and impulses. He sees himself as an eboy sadboy kinda person, but is actually the (metally) oldest alter in here. He is one of the 3 alters who has full access to past memories.

Violet is an 8 year old girl who is such a cutiepie. She loves legos and is deeply anxious and depressed. She doesn't like to front that much but anyone who might be fronting is able to feel her feelings too. She likes to draw and paint, and she is one of the 3 alters who has full access to past memories

Ryan is a fictive, an introject based off of Ryan Wilder NOT from Batwoman, but from her evil version Red Death from The Flash CW. She doesn't front much nor does she talk in the headspace, so we don't know much about her.

Evelyn/Eva is an alter who is permanetly stuck in a PMT state. She cries a lot and is deeply emotional. She has a sever fear of abandonment and trust issues due to our ex girlfriend. She showed up during a mental breakdown we had during a PMT crisis, alongside with Ryan.

Monika is a sweetheart and NOT a fictive from DDLC. She loves life and the world and everyone. She is the textbook definition of a People-Pleaser (she told me not to write this but agreed it's true).

Merida is a "version" of Violet who is stuck at 13 years old. She is an angsty preteen. This is all you really need to know about her.

Anna is a 22 year old alter, she got her name from Dead By Daylight's Huntress, and acts like a persecutor while still keeping her cool. She is a smoker.

Natasha is an E-Girl who is, just like Evelyn, a crybaby. She gets emotional over the smallest things but has a deep love for everyone on Earth.

Alana is one of the first alters in our system, but due to personal issues among the system and our ex girlfriend, she was stuck in a limbo. She is mad at everyone in our system for forcing her to not front just to make our ex comfortable. She never liked our ex.

Edwin is a 12 year old nonbinary boycoded alter. He appeared a few days ago, but only fronted today. He thinks fronting is fun and that our body's face is pretty. He is funny and kind and enjoys puns.

Harriet is the newest alter in the system. She literally just appeared today (september 11th 2024). She describes herself as "a bimbo version of the Green Goblin"

Kara is a new alter who was formed today (September 12th 2024). She has a dark skin color (darker than the rest of us), and is currently on her way to replace Lillian as the host. She is happy and excited about life, but also one bad thought away from breaking down and crying.

Antonia is an alter made after Violet had a mental breakdown. She was made to not feel Violet's pain and lonliness. She is 25 years old, looks like arrowverse's Kate Kane and chose her name because of MCU's Taskmaster. She is a smoker.

Olivia is a new protector who split from Alex after a mental breakdown concerning our ex. She is calm usually, but can get really anxious FAST. She also has all of Alex's feelings for our ex so that's not great.

There's also Lillian, she is currently losing her status as host to Kara. She is a narcissist sociopath (as she herself claims), enjoys bad stuff such as gore and other evil nasty things. She is a smoker.

Eleanor is an alter who split after a dissociative and depressive episode triggered at our ex's house. We don't know much about her but the first time she fronted, she cleaned our entire room (at least up until our back started to hurt). She is a smoker.

Vanessa is one of the oldest alters (in terms of when she was created) in the system. She is a computer nerd and geek. She loves stuff like Cameras, Mechatronics (with Arduino), cosplay, videogames... She's a dork and we all love her.

[aethon-recs]

HP Rec Fest, Day 30 ❄️

Happy new year!! This is the last post for the @hprecfest daily prompts for which I'll be reccing fic, so the complete list of Tomarrymort daily recs for this month is listed in its entirety below! The 31st prompt is "a fav amongst favs", which I am physically incapable of narrowing down to a handful of fics, so I'll just end on Day 30 🤍

Thank you to the fest mods for suggesting such lovely prompts and running such a well-organized fest — what a great idea to celebrate the fantastic writing found in this fandom, and I found myself with tons of great new fics to read, particularly in other ships and rarepairs that I would have never come across otherwise!

*

Day 30: A Pre-Canon Fic

Reconciling with Death by Madame_Psychosis (M, 26k, complete)

Summary: Featuring a dead girl in a forest, little-soldier-boys, some tenuous grasps on reality, straw mothers, a ghost in a bathroom and, slowly and sadly, kindness from a boy who’s just passing through time. Why I rec it for this prompt: A really unique take on Harry travelling back in time to 1941 to Tom's school days. I love the non-linear style that this fic is written in, which really enhances the build-up of the murder mystery and all the psychological suspense.

*

Animus, Anima by @maiathoustra (M, 145k, complete)

Summary: In limbo, Harry doesn't choose to go back to the Forbidden Forest to face Voldemort. He makes another decision and finds himself in a baby's body: little Tom Riddle. Years pass that intimately bind the orphan and his imaginary friend into a hopeless and incestuous relationship. Indeed, all the odd events of Tom Riddle's life happen in spite of Harry's presence: could he be the one who provokes them? Why I rec it for this prompt: Another unique take on Harry being sent back in time, this time as a disembodied voice in Tom's head as the most important part of his journey from childhood to when he becomes Lord Voldemort. An incredible exploration on what it means for two souls to love each other so intensely, and the ending is absolutely gutting in a beautiful way. Definitely have tissues on hand for this long, beautiful, angsty read!

*

HP rec fest December recs:

Day 1: Favorite under 5k | Such a Noble Villain Day 2: Comfort Fic | In Somno Veritas | Ouroboros Day 3: Podfic | a taste so good (i'd die for it) Day 4: Fic with Art | A Soulmate Like You Day 5: A Non-AO3 Fic | The Anti-Midas Day 6: Unreliable Narrator Fic | Anabiosis Day 7: A Canon-Compliant Fic | In Your Soul is Sealed a Pleasure Day 8: A Canon-Divergence Fic | Thirst Day 9: A Rare Pair Fic | dust in your pocket | A Breed Apart Day 10: A Fest Fic | In Your Image Day 11: A Dark Fic | As Portioned from a Whole Day 12: A WIP Rec | Lover's Spit | Revolution of Configured Stars Day 13: A Fic >100k Words | One Year In Every Ten | if we were lovers Day 14: A Favorite Series | The Immortal Duties of Lord Voldemort Day 15: The Most Recent Bookmark | Creatures of the Dark we are Day 16: A Fic that Made You Laugh | Make a Wish | Do You Want Fries with That? Day 17: A Fic that Made You Cry | We Still Have Time Day 18: A Fairy Tale-Inspired Fic | Until Midnight Comes  Day 19: Fic with the Hottest Smut | Prison Blues Day 20: A Fic Rated 'G' | Fingers Crossed Day 21: A Thought-Provoking Fic | on the other side Day 22: An Unfinished Fic | In Death, Standby Day 23: A Soulmate Fic | the demiurge, the leontoeides Day 24: A Holiday Fic | A Sky Full of Stars Day 25: A Fic Rated 'T' | Accidents happen Day 26: A Fic with a Memorable Ending | i’ve missed you, my boy Day 27: A Muggle AU Fic | found Day 28: An Underrated Fic | your love is like rhinestones (falling from the sky) Day 29: A Post-Canon Fic | The Other Path Day 30: A Pre-Canon Fic | Reconciling with Death | Animus, Anima

[eqt-95]

Thanks @sssammich and @sideguitars for the double-tap tag!

1- How many works do you have on AO3?

28 (?!?!)

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 711,082

3. What fandoms do you write for?

in chronological order: harry potter, batwoman, arcane, supergirl

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

follow the buttons

the glasses that broke lena luthor's back

a nemesis and her hero

a crisis of indulgence

like we're made of glass

5. Do you respond to comments?

i aspire. it's real hit or miss for me, but i genuinely adore every comment i've ever received even if it goes unanswered.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i guess it would be being batwoman but only because i wrote it as a cliffhanger for the sequel?

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i generally always aim for happy endings, but in my opinion the 'happiest' is a crisis of indulgence but only because it's layered with angst. all my fluff pieces are happy throughout so the end doesn't hit as intensely (i think).

8. Do you get hate on fics?

only once that i remember: same person on multiple fics. such is life.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i have tried, but it objectively isn't great so i steer clear of it. this has actually been a conundrum with my latest fic: sauce or no sauce?

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i wrote a kate kane + lena luthor one shot once. does that count?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don't think so

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

someone asked to translate one into german. not sure if it ever happened.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i haven't but i'd be interested, though i'm usually one of two people: a chaotic procrastinator with fading interest or the most diligent person on the planet. i can't guarantee which would show up for a collaboration.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

supercorp has had the most lasting affect.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

there are three: 1. being batwoman | year one - (batwoman) i did so much legitimate comic book research and planning for this that it's a shame i've left it go 2. a handy handful - (arcane) i have 30% of the rest written 3. let's for flying - (supergirl) again, i actually have a lot of it worked out but for one reason or another it's in limbo

16. What are your writing strengths?

i'd need to reread things to figure that out

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

consistent prose

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

like, would i personally do it? no, i don't even have a solid grasp of the english language. why would i go butcher another one?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

harry potter

20. Favorite fic you've written?

i answered this in another ask recently, but i think my answer has changed. i'm actually really happy with the concept of like we're made of glass. i don't know how well the execution landed for people (one commenter wrote: not good. it made no sense), but i'm ok with that. things aren't made for everyone.

- - - -

i'm not sure who all did these already, so i won't tag folks, but if you see this, consider yourself tagged!!

[illyanarasputinfan]

My favorite “Magik” moments of 2022!

New Mutants #26-28 (2022) MARVEL - Illyana meets three different versions of herself during The Labors of Magik. An elderly warrior trapped in Limbo for years, a seven-year-old captive of Belasco, and the evil Queen Illyana Rasputina, who chose to remain in Limbo and rule instead of returning to Earth.

Midnight Suns #1 (2022) MARVEL - Blade gives an unsuspecting class at Strange Academy a surprise lecture on “Defense Against Vampires”.

X-Men #16 (2022) MARVEL - Magik teleports Firestar to the Avengers Mansion during battle.

Midnight Suns #3 (2022) MARVEL - The team receives magically enchanted armor forged by Tony Stark / Doctor Strange to save Zoe Laveau and thwart an apocalypse.

New Mutants #30 (2022) MARVEL - Illyana escorts Deadpool off of Krakoa.

Happy New Year, everyone!

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

i really don’t feel like a teenager ever

like i feel more like a 50 year old woman than a 16 year old girl. i don’t really talk w my friends abt anything but schoolwork mostly cause that’s the only thing my one school friend talks abt besides her bf and one hobby. i don’t talk abt current shows i gossip some but i find myself not really talking to ppl at all, i don’t go to the movies, i usually only go to the mall alone, when i go over to my bfs house sure we do teen stuff like kiss and cuddle but we don’t talk much mostly just touch, idk i just feel like i wasted all my youth and i feel like an old woman now like my life has been so much longer than it has been. i worry abt all kinds of adult things and i’ve never even really felt like a kid when i was a kid. idk i just see ppl my age having so much fun w their friends and such going places doing things and i just do most things by myself and my life mostly revolves around school rather than the few friends i have. i just feel kinda lonely but not really in a way that more friends would fix it i don’t want a huge friend group. what i miss was the feeling of friendship i had w my middle/elementary school friends it was mostly just the 4 of us and i’ve never had a connection like that since it’s just got me feeling weird abt myself. idk idek if this makes any sense to y’all. i made this acc and started blogging in it the summer before high school cause i felt lonely i lost 3 of my bestest friends and didn’t know what to do and here i am feeling such a similar way and i have been for awhile idk i feeel like isolating myself but i still crave that feeling of not being lonely. idk i’m hoping i can find that in college but i fear i’ll be too old to do all the fun high school things. everyone’s always busy and no one really texts or calls me anymore just my bf and we mostly text and then i ask if he can call. i just feel a bit casted to the side in ppls lives. y’all are really my new best friends cause i just tell y’all everything since i have no one else to tell no one else cares to know. i used to be so happy and idk what happened. i feel like i’m too young to be this sad and depressed these r supposed to be the best years of my life but i’m just angry sad and depressed 90% of the time. snapping at ppl and wanting to run away and go missing or smthn. just to see who comes out of the woodwork (if anyone) to help. i don’t feel like myself anymore i can’t even draw well anymore. like someone took my brain out and replaced it w a diff one. a worse one. i miss that excitement i had the fun other ppl seem to have all the time going out on weekends, going to games w friends, hanging out gossiping and chatting reading magazines. i feel stuck in this limbo of angst and sadness. there must be something wrong w me (more than there already is). i know i had to grow up fast cause of my parents who cause they were always working and my ma in chronic pain couldn’t take care of the house so i’d always spend all of my time cleaning and doing their work for them. i went away for 2 days once when i was like 10 and i came home and rhe house looked like a tornado went thru a frat house. i walking the door there were pizza boxes on the table cans a bottles on the floor garbage everywhere. idk i just feel like i’m too young to already be so tired w life.

[avorbl]

Avor's Watchlist for weeks 36 + 37

Fall has begun and I am watching 16 currently airing shows 14 of which are Qls. My rewatches have been on hold for a few weeks now.

Currently Airing

Battle of the Writers 7/12 Beautiful Boys kissing, tropes and even a bit of a story if you look hard enough

Sugar Dog Life 6/10 Lonely people, food and not enough communication the Japanese recipe for a good watch

First Note of Love 6/12 Compared to all the loud stuff thats currently airing this one is very quiet

Seoul Blues 7/8 Messy people messing around Jeonha finally reacted to something but it feels very much like they stitched two scripts they had and made it 8 episodes with the same character names

The On1y One 8/12 Best thing currently airing beautiful cinemaphotography and wonderful acting

Love Next Door 10/16 The first 8 episodes showed us why Seokryu did not feel that she could be open about her problems with anyone at home and now I am supposed to find her at fault because she kept her illness a secret?

Live in Love 3/5 The colours keep colouring and with all the talk about tone this week the tonal dissonance between what his happening to Cake and how they react to it is a bit distracting

Room 2/5 Fun and chaotic not sure what it wants to tell

Happy of the End 2/8 I am waiting for the sub of the fourth episode to continue because I dont think I can get myself to watch each episode on its own its heavy and beautiful

Kidnap 2/12 I get to see Ohm again

The Hidden Moon 2/10 A propos Ohm a ghost romance. They rank right after robot romances for plots to avoid for me. I am cautiously optimistic about this one though as long as they are not introducing time layers.

Jack & Joker: U Steal My Heart! 1/12 War is a good actor and I liked Yin whom I havent seen outside of En of love. But I was promised a heist.

Love is Like a Poison 1/10 The colour intensity was to mismatched between the poison transitions and the rest of the episode hopefully that changes

Unlock Your Love 1/8 I am not sure about this one the character interactions and the main characters action compared to her flashback experiences feel a bit too contrived

Bad Guy My Boss 1/10 20 year olds in charge of a company are always so in control. A fantasy office setting to forget work on Sunday evenings

Love Sick 2024 1/15 Real children bringing me a highschool story. With a big cast I am bit scared that I am supposed to remember and differentiate all these boys in their highschool uniforms

What I am catching up on

My Best Boyfriend 4/17

Unstoppable High Kick 25/167

Gym Affairs 15/24 Loneliness and desire (for love)

The Princess Royal 21/40 A typical mid show slump with this one, its promising

Word of Honor 17/36 I think of all the gay characters Gong Jun could have played while watching this

Like Love 8/15 2014 BL

Fight for My Way 4/16 I really need to watch everything Park Seojoon has been in

Finished in the last two weeks

Takara’s Treasure 02.09.24 9,5/10 Loved how they got gradually closer. Taishin getting a better understanding of Takara and Takara's reason for being so withdrawn getting revealed. The depiction of the "creepy uncle" really is the only blemish on this otherwise well thought out series.

Mr Mitsuyas Planned Feeding 06.09.24 9/10 A lovely story about finding support and yourself.

Takara’s Treasure Spin off 09.09.24 8,5/10 A nice end cap to this wonderful story

I Hear the Sunspot 12.09.24 6/10 This is the series I ve written the most notes for this year and it all boils down to: Great visuals but a dissappointing second half. We got the introduction of a secondary character instead of the growth and adaptation the couple needed

4 Minutes 13.09.24 9,5/10 The finale was truly unnerving, limbo made palpable. Those first minutes of surreal softness really got to me. A perfect ending to a good show. Regrets, Consequences, Redemption, LIMBO This series makes a strong case for how choices influence our lives and if we dont make choices life wont be better. Simplistic solutions only work in fantasy

Boytoy 14.09.24 7,5/10 Deeper than I intially thought. But a classic gay people at the edge of society BL with a happy ending though.

With You I Bloom 15.09.24 8/10 About social bonds and priorities. Would have been better if the credits werent as lighthearted/ the opening credits did not have such a sports drama vibe. Probably would have worked better as several movies .

Love Enemy 15.09.24 7,5/10 Fourty minutes of fluff to pass the time

Dropped in the last two weeks

The Founder of Diabolism Season 1 5/15 03.09.24 -/10

Addicted Heroin 4/10 03.09.24 -/10

[morphofan]

Tech and My Dead Heart

Bummer stuff ahead. TW depression, menopause.

I am sort of in limbo right now, emotionally. Floating in space.

Unfortunately, Tech's fall came right around the time my Menopause kicked in for real. So I have that insane, hormonal nightmare going on at the same time I'm mourning and missing a character I genuinely loved.

The hope of Tech's return in S3 was all that kept me going for an entire year. I was so excited when it looked as if we were going to get him back, in the form of CX-2. All our speculation never got a word of denial or approval from Jen C. or Joel A.

They knew exactly what they were doing to us; they let us hope and then tore it all away and let us fall into the abyss.

After all that expectation... nothing. All my hope is gone... and I don't see myself ever getting it back.

Everything in me that was ever happy or ever felt love is dead, now. I sleep 14-16 hours a day to make the emptiness pass by faster, because at least I can still feel emotions in my dreams.

I don't live. I only exist. I wait to die.

I'm only alive for the sake of my child and husband.

I truly do wish I had never watched The Bad Batch.

[missnekonyan]

Finally, after a year of being stuck in development limbo, I can formally present my @hourglassstationacademy​​​​​ OC... Elizabeth! I had trouble figuring out his exact color palette and the details of his design, but I’m happy with this version~ I used a classic princess look that befits his inspiration with a few minor variations for spice. A better look at his actual body type will be under the cut!

As part of a cadet branch of the royal family, Elizabeth has lived in luxury throughout his years. While he appreciates all his status has given him, one thing remains unfulfilled - his drive for adventure. Elizabeth has sat on the sidelines long enough; enrolling in a school away from home is the first step in his grand quest! Although a bit out of touch sometimes, his curiosity knows no bounds.

Elizabeth Clare Rosae

Japanese: エリザベス・くれあ・ローサ Romaji: Erizabesu Kurea Roosa

Gender: Demigirl (He/him) Age: 16 Birthday: March 14 Starsign: Pisces Height: 170cm Eye color: Ruby red, periwinkle gray Hair color: Ash black Rose bud Homeland: Queendom of Roses

Dorm: Pastrierie School year: First Class: 1-D (18) Occupation: Student Club: Literature Club Best subject: Social Etiquette

Dominant hand: Left Favorite food: Strawberry mint candy Least favorite food: Dragon fruit Dislikes: Staying still and being alone Hobby: Going on escapades Talents: Having things work themselves out in the end

[succubusphan]

Two Man Team - Chapter 1

Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.

Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.

Rating: E

Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.

Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.

Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.

POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.

Total Word Count: 75k ish

Read on Ao3

CHAPTER 1: Somebody to Love

June 2005

Phil threw himself onto his bed and looked around at his neon green walls and carpet thinking how little time he had left in his childhood bedroom. He had one last summer in his hometown before uprooting his entire life and moving to York for uni. It was weird, in a way, to be in this sort of limbo where his basic education was over; he no longer felt like a child but didn’t feel like an adult either. It could be because he didn’t feel like he was fully himself, not to anyone he knew - not even his friends.

Could he really call them his friends if they didn’t know who he truly was, if he couldn’t share his attraction to boys like the others shared their crushes on girls and their flings? Maybe it wasn’t fair to think of them as near strangers, it was not their fault that he didn’t feel ready to talk about it. They had all been there for him his entire childhood and he still wasn’t ready. That was on him.

On the other hand, York presented him with a new opportunity, a chance to live his true life and finally get a boyfriend. That’s all he wanted, just - someone to cuddle with. Ok, also other stuff, but he wanted a proper boyfriend. It didn’t hurt to start looking now though.

Phil sat up and reached for his laptop, lifting the screen and connecting to the internet. He clicked on the Explorer icon and waited for everything to load for a few minutes. He logged into a random Yahoo chat room as per usual and greeted the 60 strangers chatting and sending emojis in the hopes of catching someone’s attention.

Snowdude: Hi. Anyone around 18? ;)

A private window popped up immediately.

DanTheMan: hi snowdude XD i’m dan

Snowdude: Hi. als?

DanTheMan: 16/m/reading. u?

Phil hesitated for a moment. It wasn’t often that dudes messaged him. Still, “Dan” was too young and still in school. Well, he didn’t have anything better to do than speak to him.

Snowdude: 18 m York. Are you in school?

DanTheMan: yeah just the A lvls to go. What’s ur favourrtie game?

Phil’s eyebrows shot up at the typo and he snorted. 

Snowdude: Final Fantasy 7 is ace.

DanTheMan: ace XD favourite show?

Snowdude: Buffy obviously. What is this, an interview? What’s your favourite subject in school?

DanTheMan: ouch, geography and psych and theatre.

Snowdude: hate geo, you act?

DanTheMan: don’t laugh. i always have but i’m cool.

Snowdude: nothing wrong with it. I’m a terrible actor. 

Looking at his ceiling, Phil felt bad for making Dan feel insecure by bringing up school, pointedly marking their age difference. He knew what it was like to be looked down upon by the older kids. He quickly typed another message.

Snowdude: I signed up to art because I thought it would be easy and almost failed. Seems like i suck at art.

DanTheMan: ROFL. ur weird.

DanTheMan: let’s be friends.

Snowdude: Lesbifriends

DanTheMan: forget it lol. I regret asking.

Snowdude: noooooooooooo 

DanTheMan: i have to go my mums calling. add me on msn i’m danosaurXD@hotmail.com.uk

Snowdude: Rawr xD. ACe. Good luck with homework

DanTheMan: fuckoff with your capitalistion and good grammra ttyl

And just like that, Dan exited their chat. Phil smiled and logged into MSN, hesitating only for a second before adding his new friend.

Ian opened their conversation with a buzz as per usual and invited him over to play games with the girls. He hesitated, but another notification popped up and it brought a smile to his face.

GoThic chiK (Anja): coming or not phL?

Phil rolled his eyes, at least Anja would be there and even if he didn’t like girls like that, Anja was always cool. She was like a girl, but also not. Well, she was a girl of course, but she felt like a guy, but not - like him. He didn’t fit in as the kind of man his dad wanted to see in his son and Anja didn’t impress her mother either. Maybe they were losers but they still had each other.

Phil Strikr: omw Annie tell Ian

GoTik chiK (Anja): told you to stop butcherin ma name.

Phil laughed and sent her a buzz before logging out and getting into his favourite blue jeans and a green T-shirt.

--

The night went by in a breeze, with loads of pizza, drinking and a few rounds of TEG that ended in disaster. He mostly enjoyed it until the topic of dating came up yet again. All the guys had some sort of girlfriend or arrangement and Phil had barely anything to show for. For the umpteenth time, Phil considered coming out to them but he could never bring himself to do it. Maybe one of these days when he was drunk enough.

“Phil, Phil!” Someone said.

Anja snapped her fingers in front of his eyes, startling him and causing him to drop the dice he had been shaking for who knows how long. “Mate, what is it with you today?”

“Uh, nothing. I was just thinking about Buffy,” he said.

Anja gave him a look that let him know she was not buying it, but the rest rolled their eyes and continued with their conversation. For a moment Phil thought he was off the hook but Ian looked at him expectantly.

“What?” Phil asked.

Ian sighed heavily. “Sandra asked about you again, mate. When are you going to ask her out?”

Phil tried not to look like a deer caught in the headlights. “I think it would be weird to date your cousin, we are like brothers at this point.”

Ian snorted and shook his head. “We are like brothers but not actually. It’s not like incest or anything.”

“Ew, don’t say that,” Phil said, paling at the thought of Sandra and her wandering hands. He was not going to repeat the mistake of asking her out. One sloppy kiss was more than enough.

Richard, Noah and Keith laughed at the face he pulled but Ian merely smiled at him.

“Oi! Phil is mine, let him be,” Anja said, shuffling closer to him and resting her hand on his thigh.

Phil’s eyes widened but she gave him a small wink before looking back at their friends.

“What? Are you his girlfriend now?” asked Richard with a frown.

“Yeah,” she said, looking uncomfortable at the question. Anja didn’t like Richard like that, she loved him as a friend, but he had a huge crush on her and he was terrible at hiding it. Phil didn’t need to read her mind to know she didn’t want to break his heart or risk their friendship but it was bound to happen eventually.

Wrapping his arm around Anja’s waist loosely, he set his head on her shoulder. “Tell Sandra I’m taken,” Phil said and Anja relaxed against him, letting her head gently rest on his.

Richard looked disappointed but didn’t press the issue any further.

Eventually, the board games stopped being fun and the alcohol ran out so they declared the party over. As soon as Phil said goodbye and stood from his spot Anja followed him, making the others laugh and howl at them, half whispering about what they were going to do in Phil’s bedroom.

Once they were out, Phil turned to look at her. “Do you want me to walk you home?” He asked, hopefully.

“Nah, I was expecting to crash in your bed.” She began the walk back home and Phil followed her.

“What?” Phil squeaked.

Anja laughed and turned towards him, but her eyes looked a bit misty. “Don’t be daft, it’s not that.” She poked him gently, looking into his eyes. “I just feel sad and I don’t wanna be alone right now. I know I can trust you like that.” 

“Alright,” Phil said, still walking at her side. “Do you want to talk about it? What happened?”

Anja looked away from him, her eyes focusing on the moon for a moment as she spoke. “I was dating someone but they are not sure about it anymore and it sucks.”

Phil stopped walking and pulled her into a hug. “An- you know you can tell me anything, come stay with me too.”

“I know.” She returned the hug tightly only for a moment before stepping back. “Come on!” She said, grabbing his hand and pulling him along. “Kath will be fuming if we are not there before midnight.”

He snorted and laced their fingers together. “I’ll tell my mum you call her Kath behind her back one day, you know?”

“Meh,” Anja shrugged. “She loves me. I’ll live.”

They stayed silent for most of the 20 minute walk home and had to sneak in, but soon enough they were in his room. Phil gave Anja a big T-shirt and a pair of joggers and slipped into his own pyjamas while she changed in the bathroom. 

Five minutes later they were looking up at the ceiling as they lay under the covers in the small bed.

“Hey, Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think Richard will get over his crush eventually?”

Phil turned on his side to look at her. “Probably, he has gotten over the others.”

She nodded. “Are you seeing anyone that you haven’t told us about?” she asked in a drastic change of topic.

Phil sputtered. “As if anyone would be interested.”

“You have pretty eyes and perfect eyebrows. I wish I had your eyebrows,” Anja said. “You should dye your hair black though, it would make your eyes pop.”

“I don’t know… Would you do it for me?”

“Of course, ginge,” She laughed.

“I’m not a ginger!” Phil whined.

“Course not.” She poked at his stomach. “Good night.”

“Good night, An,” he said and shut his eyes, letting sleep claim him.

---

It was a weird summer. Anja remained sad for the majority of it but refused to talk about her boyfriend, choosing to focus on giving Phil an extreme makeover instead. She dyed his hair black, took him to the mall to pick up black skinny jeans and to the stylist that had given her her emo haircut to tame his mane.

By the end of it, Phil had perfected a nice image for his MySpace page. He had even ventured into eyeliner for some pictures when he’d gotten bored waiting for Anja to get ready for a party. He’d enjoyed the results and even Ian and the guys said it looked cool on him. Even Dan thought he looked really cool when he saw the pics.

He got to talk to Dan quite a few times as well before going off to uni and caught up with life. It was amazing to learn that they were actually super compatible, liking many of the same games, music and shows. The best part was that Dan said there was a chance he would go to York like him so they could hang out and Phil liked the sound of that, even if Dan was still a full year away from it. Dan was honestly super cool and Phil really had come to consider him a friend in the last few months so it would be super fun to have someone close to hang out and play games with. It sounded like a great plan.

Daydreaming about their potential meet-up was a nice distraction from Dan’s home life, which seemed to be in constant turmoil as Phil came to find over time. There was a reason Dan barely mentioned his younger brother and he had vaguely complained about his father’s rage issues, so Phil always let Dan talk first, and let whatever was troubling him be aired so that he could offer his support or advice if it was needed. Phil also shared some of his issues and insecurities, but his problems were not nearly as bad as Dan’s so he tried to keep things on the positive side and help Dan out.

But Phil wasn’t expecting to catch Dan in a lie only weeks later. As it turned out, Dan had never been 16, he was a 14 year old kid. It was a silly lie, but it still hurt Phil, so he asked Dan to never lie to him again. Dan was very apologetic and begged him not to break their friendship, which Phil had briefly considered, but decided against, especially because of the kind of bullying Dan suffered at school on the regular. After the initial shock had worn off, Phil reassured him that they could be friends, even if they would have to be long distance.

Dan deserved to have supportive friends. He needed someone to be there for him and Phil knew he could be that someone. At an appropriate distance, of course.

It was a bit of a rough patch between them, but after they had resolved the issue, life went on as usual. Phil dived head first into his uni life and there were so many changes. He moved into the dorm and met new people at uni, but sadly, he wasn’t able to stay in touch with his friends back home as much as he’d have liked due to his schedule. In a way, he had inadvertently severed most contact with his life back home, but no matter how much things changed, some stayed the same: his lack of a love life and being trapped in the closet.

He decided that it was time to take his life by the horns and that marked the beginning of a new chapter for him, an exploring phase of sorts. After some consideration, he opened a profile on a dating website, hoping to find a nice guy he could date. His new look did seem to help a lot, but his popularity applied mostly to MySpace. The dating scene seemed a bit dry, or maybe he was just too awkward. There weren't a bunch of messages flooding his inbox by any means.

To be honest, he was starting to get really discouraged, thinking he would never meet someone, but his luck finally changed on a mighty weekend when in a hidden corner of a pub, he got his first taste of freedom. He was blonde and tall and three years older than Phil and his lips were on Phil’s, quickly taking him to heaven, making his blood rush south and his stomach tingle. His hands were inside Phil’s T-shirt and struggling with his jeans’ zipper in less than five minutes. It wasn’t too rough or something that Phil didn’t want, but the speed of it all scared him a bit. It was too much too soon and he wasn’t ready even though he wanted to be, so he took a step back and apologised.

“I’m sorry,” he said, still trying to catch his breath. “Listen, I’m not out yet, not even to my friends back home, my new uni friends or my roommates.”

The guy nodded and smiled at him. “That’s alright,” he said. “Could I get your phone number? Maybe we can meet up some other time.”

Phil nodded and saved it in the other’s phone, but he was not going to trick himself into thinking he was going to get a text. His chances were slim.

They parted ways with a quick kiss, which surprised Phil. He let out a deep sigh as he watched the blonde disappear into the crowd and surveyed the pub in search of his friends. 

Towering over most people did come in handy and allowed him to locate his roommates in under a minute. Phil tried to put on a brave smile as he made his way to them and accepted a beer, taking a zip and groaning at the bitter taste. It was performative and he knew it, but he didn’t know what else to do, so he followed along with what everyone was doing. He got drunk - and even made out with a girl briefly just out of boredom. 

He felt nothing, nothing at all, but his roommates cheered him on and the girl seemed happy enough. 

That made one of them.

--

Once back in his room, Phil put his phone to charge and turned it on. There were a few missed calls and texts from Dan, asking if he was free to talk. Phil got a bad feeling about it and tried to call him but Dan didn’t pick up. Maybe it was too late and he had fallen asleep. Biting the inside of his cheek, Phil hesitated before sending a text.

“I’m sorry I missed your calls, I was out until just now and my phone had died X.x . I’m free to talk in the morning!”

Phil lay in bed for what seemed like forever, the room spinning a bit around him, as he thought about the blonde guy, the boring night, the girl he kissed - and Dan. He wished he would have stayed home and talked to Dan, maybe played some games, or talked about school. It was sad that he got along better with a 14 year old than his own friends. What did that say about him? He fell into a fitful night of sleep just as the sun rose above the clouds.

The talk with Dan didn’t come the next day, or the following one. In fact, Dan stopped replying entirely for over a week and Phil’s stomach was twisted into knots. Over twenty messages unanswered could only mean bad news, right?

The following weekend, Phil sent yet another text: “Please, Dan. Just let me know that you are ok.”

Ten minutes later, his phone finally vibrated. “im ok. stop.”

Phil’s eyes welled up with tears. “I’m so sorry, Dan. I’ve been worried about you. I went out and had so many calls and missed texts, I thought something had happened and you needed to talk. It’s ok if you don’t want to, I just didn’t want you to think that I didn’t care. Sorry I missed your call.”

His screen lit up with a call immediately and Dan’s raspy voice greeted him on the other side. “Hey, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s ok,” Phil said, trying to calm himself down, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. He swallowed thick and attempted a small smile, even if Dan could not see it. “What did you want to talk about?”

Dan was silent for a moment, but then he let out a tired sigh. “Nothing much, it’s fine.”

“You can tell me, you know you can,” Phil said with a frown.

“Last weekend I went to the mall and I had some problems with the usual shitheads…” he trailed off.

“Did they throw rocks at you again?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t care. And on Monday -” Dan paused.

“What happened on Monday?” Phil asked, frowning at the pain he could hear in Dan’s voice.

“One of the idiots grabbed me by the neck and slapped me for like 5 minutes,” Dan mumbled. “And I know what you’re going to say, one of the teachers saw and did nothing. He even laughed.”

“Dan,” Phil said, his heart breaking for his friend. “I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve any of that. I wish I could be there to help you.”

“It’s fine,” Dan said in a monotone voice. “I didn’t react, I didn’t want to give them that satisfaction.”

“It takes a lot of courage not to fight back. You were very brave.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Dan muttered. “Almost gave them another satisfaction.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m so tired sometimes, you know? Just so tired.” Then, Dan cleared his throat. “Anyway, I’ve been staying with my grandma since Tuesday, so I’m ok.”

Phil had to clear his throat too, trying not to get choked up by what Dan was implying. “You have to get good grades so you can get into uni and we can hang out, ok?”

Dan snorted. “As if you would hang out with me. You’re cool and I’m just a 14 year old loser.”

“You’re not a loser. You’re kind, and funny, and one of the coolest people I know. I know that one day you will be a great guy. Maybe you’ll be a famous actor, like you’ve always wanted.”

“Yeah… maybe,” Dan said. “Wanna play Mario Kart later? I have homework.”

Phil looked at the time, it was already late, but a few races wouldn’t hurt. “Sure. Text me when you’re done.”

“Thanks, Phil,” Dan said and Phil could picture a little smile on his face.

“No problem. See you later.”

“Yeah. Hey, can I follow your MySpace?” Dan asked.

“You can follow me anywhere,” Phil said. “We are friends.”

“Yeah, ok,” Dan snorted. “See you later, Philly.”

Phil rolled his eyes and hung up the phone.

Letting out a deep sigh, he decided to do the “adult thing” and study a little more for the exam he had the following morning so that he could join Dan online later. It was not a lot, but he felt better now that Dan knew Phil was on his side and he cared.

That night, Phil stayed on his DS until 4, but he managed to get a passing grade on the exam anyway. He rewarded himself with a 10 hour nap afterwards.

--

All through his first term at uni, Phil tried his best to keep in touch with Dan, but with his tight study schedule, the weekends pretending to be straight and attempting to not stress himself half to death with his new chaotic life, it was getting increasingly difficult.

Before long, Phil had to make a drastic choice. Something needed to change and he knew exactly what was the worst stressor for him: his straight-sex-maniac persona. And so it was decided. 

He invited his four roommates to their very limited common space and paced in the square foot of floor he had available to himself waving his hands around without uttering a word until one of the guys asked if he was ok. 

No, Phil was not ok at all, he was nearly crawling up the wall, so instead of giving a carefully planned and rehearsed speech, he stopped short of the wall, turned around and said: “I lied… I am not super experienced, I don’t have a lot of sex experience. In fact, I have zero experience, because… because I’m gay. I’m sorry that I lied, I just wanted you guys to like me, you are all so cool. I wanted to be your friend. I didn’t mean for it to get so out of hand. I-”

Peter got up from the armrest of the sofa, causing Phil to take a step back just in case, and gave him a hard pat on the shoulder. “It’s ok. We are all figuring things out,” he said. “Also, Sarah will be happy to know that you are not disgusted by her presence, you’re just thick as all fuck and gay. Right, Sarah?”

“You like me?” Phil squeaked, turning towards the popular blonde girl. She was super nice and also pretty, but she was still not a guy, so there was not even a chance.

“I do. I did, but it’s ok. We can be friends,” she said with a smile.

“We can?” Phil croaked.

Sarah nodded. “You’re a good guy, Phil. Why wouldn’t I want to be your friend? And the fact that you are not opposed to a little makeup also plays in your favour.”

Peter clapped once and rushed to the fridge. He got the Malibu out of the freezer, messily pouring the alcohol into various glasses and mugs and other liquid-holding implements before turning around to face the group and raising his glass. “To Phil, the gayest emo York has ever seen - and a good friend too!” He downed his drink without waiting for anyone else.

Sarah walked over to the kitchenette and grabbed a shot glass, raising it towards Phil with an encouraging smile. “Cheers,” she said and downed her drink. She then passed a repurposed laundry detergent cap full of Malibu to Phil. 

“Thank you,” he said, hoping that his eyes could convey the gratitude he felt. “Cheers,” he said and drank the entire thing.

Jimmy and Callan, who had been quiet until now, stood from the sofa and grabbed a mug each, raising them to Phil. 

“To Phil, the gay emo,” said Callan with a smirk.

“We can still be friends even if you’re gay and your willy is bigger than all of ours,” Jimmy said with a nod and necked his drink.

Phil laughed. “Stop talking about my dick, Jimmy. You saw nothing!”

“I will when it stops looking back at me every time you sit,” Jimmy cackled. 

Phil threw the laundry detergent cap at his head, hitting the target and causing the group to laugh.  Hours later, he crawled into his tiny bed and felt the effects of all the alcohol he had consumed rock him gently, like the waves in the sea. He let out a sigh of relief, a smile appearing on his lips as he remembered how the night had started. His coming out had been awkward but still a success. Now he could truly be himself, at least in York, and he couldn’t wait until he was able to live his life fully everywhere.

[thecleverqueer]

Dear Dave,

So, I had a discussion with Ahsoka Tano, and she’s not happy with the whole Lux Bonteri coming back situation. Well… At first, she said “who TF is Lux Bonteri?” as he was THAT vanilla-mid, mediocre, annoying and un-memorable. Apparently, she’d forgotten that he existed after all that she has been through in her life. Basically after I reminded her of his existence she said, “Oh! The dude that I had a crush on back when I was, like, 16?! Shit! I was young, stupid and sheltered. It’s been, like, 30 years. Who even remembers their teenage crushes at my age!? Um. I kind of remember him being sort of a boring asshole side character now that I think about it. Yeah. No way! I wouldn’t get with him now… even if he looked like Jude Law.”

She basically said that she’s queer, Dave. She thought that was obvious, but she does realize that this could never be canon. She knows that you, Disney and Lucasfilm like to kowtow to homophobics and queer-hating governments abroad, so she was totally cool with you just queer-coding the shit out of her while completely baiting almost all of her sapphic fan base. It’s why you didn’t have her and Trace show any real affection for one another in season 7 of the Clone Wars despite you clearly keeping most of the elements of the “boyfriend arc” in tact, and why you scrapped Kaeden Larte from the novel in that Tales of the Jedi short that you didn’t have to retell but did anyway. We see you. We get it. She understands.

She thought that you might just keep her sexuality in a state of limbo as you have that “paternal eye”. That way, no one gets hurt by your animators’ and writers’ queer-baiting, homophobic assholes don’t flip the fuck out that she’s not straight, and no one truly gets what they want. After all, a character’s sexuality isn’t important unless it is crammed down the viewers’ throats… gay or straight.

She then admitted that if you ABSOLUTELY HAD TO put her with a male love interest because you felt like you had to bend the knee to some heteronormativity kink, because you have absolutely run out of other story ideas for her, or because you know that her character has zero growth and development left as she is in her 40s (and you know as well as we do that there is no where else to go), then she has two men that she will accept as love interests:

1.) First, she said she wouldn’t mind Rex. She said that she loves Rex… not really like THAT, but that she and Rex have such a deep, lovely, platonic friendship that she feels like Rex would respect her (unlike Bonteri). Their history together would make him a great option, and he does seem like he would make great husband material. She understands that he’s old and that his aging is accelerated, but that’s really part of the allure, she feels.

2.) Second, she said she’d be cool with Din Djarin. She doesn’t think that he’d necessarily be interested in her, but if she promised to train Grogu, then maybe he would settle down with her. She said that Pedro Pascal Din honestly has some sort of weird animalistic attractiveness about him that she wouldn’t hate either. Once again, Din is a respectful guy, and he did call her a “nice lady” once after she went feral and attacked him for no reason.

She said she would go ahead and consider being with the Jude Law character if that’s the angle you REALLY wanted to take as long as he was new, nice and respected her above all else (because, let’s face it, it is Jude Law), but she also said you can go and f*^% yourself if he is casted as Lux Bonteri (her words, not mine).

Sincerely,

A self-proclaimed Ahsoka simp that understands how a 40-something-year-old woman thinks, oh, and Ahsoka Tano.