#hajoon centric

[fairyniceyeah]

🌹💙 Time (Hajoon Series Part 8)

Part 1: Angel Part 2: Nauseous Part 3: Eclipse Part 4: Take Me Down Part 5: Sorry Part 6: Alive Part 7: Sour

Summary: Is it the last time I hold your hand?

CW: low self-esteem

If it’s the last time

I’ll hold your hand in mine

“Hajoon?”, Woosung asked, his voice full of confusion and disbelief, “the fuck is this?”

Hajoon froze in the doorway, his jacket still half on. The other members were gathered in the kitchen. Dojoon and Jaehyeong were sitting at their kitchen table, their expressions unreadable. Woosung was standing behind them, holding an official looking letter with a familiar logo. Likely his results – if he was accepted for college again. They were supposed to arrive today after all.

Why had the others opened his mail? Hajoon was enraged. They had no right! With more force than necessary he ripped his jacket off and stalked towards Woosung to grab the paper. He wanted to do it right, not have them find out accidentally. He didn’t want them to think he was a bad drummer and a coward.

“Why are you going through my mail?”, he asked, resentful. Separated from Hajoon by the table Woosung was easily able to hold it out of his reach. Wasn’t he allowed grace?

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault”, Jaehyeong said quietly, not meeting Hajoon’s eyes. “I was confused why you got mail from an university. So, since Leo and I thought that didn’t match up and they probably put on a wrong address on the letter we wanted to see if we could find out the real owner.”

“It never crossed your mind that I might get mail?”, Hajoon asked in disbelief.

“No, we didn’t think you would get mail from an university. You didn’t say you considered studying again”, Dojoon explained.

“What confuses me even more”, Woosung added, still looking perplexed, “why does it say you were accepted for a full-time study? You don’t have time for that with our work. We’ll be outside of Seoul too often. Besides how do you think you will have time to study and do band-practice, song-writing and other stuff at the same time? Why didn’t you talk to us about options? You’re our drummer, we need you.”

The ’until we find a replacement’ was implied. So the cat was out of the bag. Maybe they would appreciate honesty, would be glad that he took the first step to leave. It would have to happen sooner or later anyway.

“I really hope you find a different drummer soon. I quit. The documents from the lawyer should arrive within the week anyway”, Hajoon spat. For a moment he felt satisfied at seeing the shock on all their faces.

Remembering our highs

It’s hard to say goodbye

But the hidden happiness behind fake-sad faces he had expected didn’t happen. Jaehyeong’s face turned into a heart-broken expression, a soft breath escaping him. Dojoon was frowning, like he didn’t understand anything he had been told. But it was Woosung who looked the worst. The leader had turned deathly pale and was clutching the table hard as if he was scared of fainting, the paper scrunched up in his fingers.

“What?”, Woosung asked softly, eyes impossibly wide.

“I quit. I’m done”, Hajoon repeated, trying and failing not to cry. Tears distorted his sight. He didn’t understand. He hadn’t wanted to keep hurting the members with his presence in the band. Why were they so sad? Was it just bad timing? What was he missing?

“You’re joking, right? This is just a joke. Tell us that you are joking”, Dojoon said weakly, desperately, “this isn’t funny, Joon-ah.”

“It’s not a joke, Dojoon-ssi”, Hajoon choked out, “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending I don’t know. I’m done.”

“But … but why? Pretend what? Hajoon-ah, why?”, Jaehyeong asked between sobs, “we can’t be The Rose without you.” He looked like he wanted to say more but he was overwhelmed by his choked crying. Dojoon placed a hand on his back, looking like he was just acting out of instinct not because he was very present.

When was the last time

We laughed until we cried

“We should probably sit down and talk”, Hajoon said, already dreading the conversation. Something wasn’t adding up. Why weren’t they rejoicing? Hadn’t he done what they wanted? But he had heard them – they wanted him to leave.

“Yeah, let’s do that”, Woosung agreed, still pale. He rubbed Jaehyeong’s shoulder for a moment then walked around the table to sit down in his chair next to Hajoon. The drummer hesitantly slumped down, glad he wasn’t sitting across the crying maknae. He didn’t think he could stand seeing him sad any second longer.

“What is this all about, Joon-ah?”, Dojoon asked, reaching over as if he wanted to take Hajoon’s hand in his. Hajoon flinched away.

“I … I know I’m the superfluous member of The Rose, the least liked member”, Hajoon started haltingly. He didn’t want to sob his way through the explanation. “I know you don’t want me around and I’m easily replaceable. Black Roses wouldn’t mind if I left and I’m sure with a new drummer who doesn’t keep fucking up you can reach new highs. I know you’ve been looking for a new drummer. I’m sorry for the inconvenience of leaving now but I don’t think I can stay here any longer. I love you and I know leaving is the best thing I can do for you.”

This is the last time

Closing scene to your story

As he finished, he looked up again. Jaehyeong had his hands in front of his mouth, sobbing. Dojoon was leaning forward, resting his head in his hands and his elbows on the table. They both looked the picture of defeat.

Hajoon dared to look to his lea… - former leader - and it hurt. Woosung looked like he had seen a ghost, tears trailing down his face and hands trembling. As if sensing his gaze Woosung looked up into Hajoon’s eyes. Hajoon didn’t think he had ever seen anybody look so sad.

“Baby”, Woosung whispered finally, “where did you get all of this from? We never … we … we knew something was going on. But this? Hajoon-ah, we love you so much and I don’t think any of us would want to be The Rose without you. We need you, not just as a drummer, because we need you. Our loveable true maknae who keeps telling bad jokes and is obsessed with One Piece. The amazing man who grew with us by our side, who we all go to talk our problems through and who is the reason we are even popular. Without you, without your skills, we …” Woosung broke off, crying.

“Woosung-ssi?”, Hajoon asked, unsure and feeling completely out of balance. This was not what he had expected. Was Woosung really saying the truth?

“It’s hyung, Hajoon-ah”, Woosung whispered, “fuck, I never even noticed how you just kept addressing us in formal speech for weeks. I thought you were teasing but ... Is this why? You thought you needed to speak formally to us because …” Woosung was unable to finish the sentence, say the words. You thought we hated you.

Hajoon nodded. But he was still so unsure of himself.

“But I heard you talking about how I made so many mistakes that night after the concert some time ago, that it couldn’t go on with me? That I was weird. And I understand, I am a liability if I keep making mistakes. I can understand if you want to kick me out and replace me with somebody better…”

I’ll miss you endlessly

Hope we meet again someday smiling like before

Hajoon was interrupted by Dojoon, who stood up and walked around the table to kneel down beside the younger.

“Joon-ah, you overheard but you misunderstood. I’m sorry. We were so worried for you that night. You made so many mistakes and you were so out of it after the concert. We tried to figure out what was going on with you because we love you. We wanted you to be okay and we never talked about replacing you, we were looking for a way to help you. I promise. We will not replace you, that is just stupid. There is no The Rose without you, angel.”

But Dojoon had been searching for a new drummer, hadn’t he been?

“But … but you were looking for a new drummer, weren’t you?”, Hajoon asked desperately, “Leo, I saw your laptop screen. You were on the drummer forum and chatting with drummers, I saw.”

Perhaps they were all still denying what they had done? Were they ashamed in the face of his tears? Didn’t they find anybody to take his spot and had to content with him for the time being?

“What?”, Dojoon gasped, gripping Hajoon’s hands tightly, “I … Hajoon-ah. It’s your birthday in some time. I was chatting with specialists on what to get you. We all wanted to buy you something really special because we love you and you had been so down all the time. You kept pushing us away and we wanted to show you that we care about you. If we couldn’t help you any other way we thought a nice gesture could show how much we love you. Please believe me!”

It … it made sense. Hajoon felt sick. It made so much sense.

Hajoon slowly nodded.

As he looked around, blinking tears away, he saw that Woosung was watching them. There was so much love in his eyes. Jaehyeong had walked around the table and had folded himself into a kneeling position on the ground, face hidden in Woosung’s lap. The leader was gently stroking his hair.

“So … you really don’t hate me or want me out of the group?”

It was hard for Hajoon to wrap his mind around the facts after weeks of believing the complete opposite.

“But you … you three fit together so perfectly. I don’t know who I am in this band anymore. I always felt so distanced from you – whenever we are on stage for sound checks or something it’s just you three and I barely know what to do with myself. You all seem like one being and I barely get to stand beside you. Whenever I tried I was pushed to the back. And … and in the studio? Why did you want me at band practice when I wasn’t able to play if not to show me a soundtrack is as useful as me and show me anybody else could do my job? Why would you want to me to stay with you when there are so many other people to choose from, people who are better than me?”

Can’t change us

Wanna spend more time beside you

Jaehyeong looked up at Hajoon finally, face blotchy and wet.

“Hajoon-ah, we’re sorry you felt like we didn’t want you or felt pushed away on stage. It’s stressful up there but that is no excuse. Just, you have always been so shy. I remember you saying all those years ago that you were glad to be hid behind your drums. We know you aren’t easily comfortable with new people and are rather shy – our only motivation is to make you feel safe and protected. I’m sorry if that made you feel like you were pushed aside. We will do better from now on and not just assume. You will always be our first choice, I promise.”

Oh. So they were doing it to protect him? A misguided attempt in this case but very sweet. How could he have doubted them?

“And that day at the studio”, Woosung added, “We didn’t handle it well and I am sorry I got angry but I was so worried that you would hurt your hands more and so scared why you would hurt yourself just to play. We actually thought you could try singing more if you wanted to, I had intended to ask you earlier but I forgot. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry”, Hajoon whispered. How had he fucked this up so badly? It was obvious his members cared about him – probably had cared about him. He had basically thrown their kindness in their faces over and over again. “I’m sorry I doubted you.”

“Baby, you were having a really bad time, a really really bad mental health phase. We will never fault you for that. I think I will never forgive myself that I didn’t push when I saw you were hurting. We thought giving you the space you requested might help but that was the wrong move. We never wanted to hurt you. We all love you so much.” Woosung opened his arms. “Let us show you. Can we cuddle?”

Hajoon nodded. He didn’t know how it had happened but soon he was crying into Woosung’s chest on the kitchen floor, Dojoon hugging him from behind and Jaehyeong in Hajoon’s arms. It was by no means comfortable. Elbows were in ribs, knees close to sensitive places. But it was home. The most loved Hajoon had ever felt.

Oh, know the healing won’t be overnight

Countless nights crying over mights

“I really don’t have to leave?”, Hajoon asked hesitantly, hours later when the cuddle pile had moved to the couch as Woosung complained of a backache and Jaehyeong’s feet kept falling asleep. They all felt too raw to let each other go any time soon.

“You will never have to leave”, Jaehyeong confirmed.

Dojoon added: “You’re our Blue Rose, our miracle. Our angel. You will never ever get rid of us.”

“But the contract elimination?”, Hajoon asked hesitantly. The fallout of the months spend in hurt was scaring him.

“I’ll take care of it, baby”, Woosung said firmly, “hyung will take care of everything. Your only job is to heal and to let us spoil you until you can’t stand us anymore.”

There was a lot they would have to talk about in the future but for tonight it was enough.

Smiling like before

Time will heal us

Masterlist links: Fairy's Full Masterlist Fairy's Masterlist - The Rose  

[shenrickyz]

 ˑ    ּ 𖥔 𓄼   ࣪ 11:11

┉┈ 𖣠 your my best friend especially...

WHEN !? 10 SEPTEMBER 2022, 3:29 PM INCLUDES !? MELIORA MEMBERS, KYRIE-CENTRIC NOTES !? I LOVEEEEE MELIORA!!! one of my favorite oc groups forever i swear to god i they are all my children (they're all older than me) don't you just love big ass groups??? i do, AHHH I LOVE MELIORA I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THEM MORE, also just so you know, kyrie is kyuhyuns stage name, so when i say kyuhyun just know im talking about the same person WORD COUNT !? 1.2k

kyuhyun barely holds in his trembles, he's sitting down on the stage, trying his best to not break down right then and there. the speeches really are getting to him, and he continues having to cover his face with his hands to make sure he doesn't immediately cry. kyuhyun is the most emotional out of the group, it's always been known by everyone, his members, the staff, the teachers, their own fandom, everyone knows he cries easily.

when his fencing team disbanded, his first instinct was to cry, whenever he gets insulted, he cries, whenever he gets unfairly criticized, he cries, whenever people bring up his prior body image issues, he wants to cry. kyuhyun is an easy crier, and anything remotely emotional is enough to get him. but he is determined to not to cry on this very day, which is why he's surprised by his lack of tears, because usually speeches get him.

kyuhyun never knew he'd be able to experience this, being on a stage, and not just any stage, this huge stage in america, with screaming fans in the crowd as he sits there, and it really does shock him. he expected to stay in fencing, maybe even go back to acting, becoming an idol was never on his list of dreams, but then the audition came along, and it feels like just yesterday when he just auditioned for louvix audio, and now he's here, on this stage, with people who love him in the crowd.

and most importantly, he's with people he loves.

"hyun, you can cry" hwan's voice sounds in his ears, the younger sitting beside him. he had just finished his speech to the fans, and of course, he didn't cry. hwan never cries, at least not to any of the members' knowledge, he's best known for being the member whose never shown tears. even the other members known not to cry much, like yohan, junmin, and jian, have at least shown some emotions, but hwan just doesn't cry. it confuses kyuhyun, of course, because he's a crier.

"what? what is that supposed to mean?" kyuhyun can barely hear hwan over the yelling, he feels as if he can't even see properly, with all the flashing lights flickering around. hwan stares, he already knew how kyuhyun felt, because that was just kinda his thing. "the tears are literally clinging to your eyelashes" he comments, lightly nudging the older. kyuhyun takes in a deep breath, gulping. "these speeches just really get me, you know?"

"yeah i know, how long have we trained together for?"

that gets a chuckle from kyuhyun, and that's mostly because of a: his delivery, and b: because hwan was right. they joined the company in the same year, yeah hwan was distant but that's just how hwan is, no matter how much people like to speculate about their relationship, they do love each other. hwan doesn't show it much, because he doesn't enjoy affection, but he seriously does love kyuhyun, and he also loves his other fellow 01 liner, haneul.

the same haneul whose about to give a speech.

kyuhyun takes another deep breath, slightly moving over and making space so that hajoon can sit back in his spot. yohan pats haneul's hand, a silent encouragement for him to take the shot and simply tell his speech. there are already other members crying, kiro has been crying for five minutes unconsciously, and byeol has been crying into yaejoon's shoulder since junmin's speech. he feels his own breath hitch when he hears haneul begin speaking.

haneul starts off like he always does, with a joke, of course, he's always unserious before he starts getting emotional. kyuhyun swears, if haneul wasn't an idol, he would become a stand up comedian or something, he's hilarious, kyuhyun knows why he starts that way, because he's gonna start talking about heavy stuff, especially with his grandparents in the crowd. he slightly glances at hajoon beside him, who smiles, raising his hand to pick something out of his hair.

kyuhyun bit his lip, looking down at the floor. he hopes that he can contain his tears, but let's be honest, when can he ever? he cried over a sick cat once, and the cat wasn't even his! that's just how easy he can cry, haneul's words practically wisp away, his ears pound, and it's like he can't hear anything. for a while, it's like kyuhyun just isn't there, he's zoned out to a degree he's never zoned out before, but he can still hear haneul's voice.

it scratches his ears in a way that it can't go unnoticed, can't be ignored. his legs swing back and forth, and he sighs, trying to bring himself back to the current situation.

"i mean— i wasn't raised by my parents, i was raised by my grandparents, and i'd like to thank them for everything they've done for me".

that does it for him.

kyuhyun breaks down, he cries, he sobs, and he can't stop doing it. haneul's words just get to him in a way he didn't expect, and he covers his mouth with his free hand as a way to try and contain his sobs. as said like four times already, it doesn't take that much to make kyuhyun cry, and he is crying, the tears running down his cheeks like floodgates had just been opened. he sniffles, trying to calm himself down, but immediately crying once again.

the members simply always get him, they can make him emotional like no other. hwan runs a hand up and down his back, and hajoon frowns, reaching over to caress his hands. yes, everything about the speech made him emotional, but the part about his grandparents in general just got kyuhyun. haneul was always open about them, and kyuhyun would listen to all of it, trying his best not to cry at the words. it just had such an affect on him that he couldn't explain.

and it's like as soon as haneul's speech starts, it ends, and kiro has to give a speech next, kyuhyun is probably gonna cry even more at that speech, but he follows everyone as they stand up to give hanuel a group hug. kyuhyun especially clings onto him, since he's the tallest, it's much more obvious, even after half the members remove themselves from the hug, kyuhyun stays there, with his arms wrapped around him.

"are you okay?" haneul asks with a chuckle, but with the tremble in his voice, it's clear that he isn't any better off. kyuhyun sniffles, burying his face into his neck. he pats kyuhyun's arms, being trapped in his strong hold. it's ironic because he's usually the one suffocating the members in the tightest hugs every, to him, it's funny. "seriously, your suffocating me here, hyung".

"i love you" kyuhyun mumbles into his neck, he sniffles again, shaking his head as he keeps his arms wrapped around haneul. he doesn't know why those words slip out so suddenly, but he says them with totally honesty, because he does, and he wants to make sure haneul knows it, even with how many times he's said it already. "i love you and i don't want you to forget".

"okay hyung, i love you too, now calm down, your getting my shirt wet".

that again, gets a laugh out of kyuhyun.

[bbyeeti]

anon who mentioned reading the fic from when it posted (coincidentaly i am also the anon who used the one brain cell i had left to come up with the hybrid thing heh)

1. i have been reading fics for like. way too long now so waiting for authors to update is easy for me to do akdhsgs and NLFD is just so Good, obviously i stuck around and will do till the end!!!!!

2. "hybrids may not remember being hybrids" ???? are you hinting at something 🤔 honestly i have so many ideas, i'm just waiting to see which of them actually turns out to be true hehehe

also i'm an og heehoon shipper (would have been ecstatic if this fic took that turn too lol but then again this is my The jayhoon fic so maybe not) BUT more than that i'm a sh lover so like ig i read sh-centric anything fic but your fic definitely made me more invested in jayhoon, like sure i've read fics but this one got me Intrigued 🙈

p.s. i'm sensing there's more to characters like hajoon and rudolf maybe? maaaybe? also v curious about who dropped the ring that sh took in the early chapter, was that clarified, i don't think it was (or is it that one vamo that pretended to be a policeman but who is he)

and hoon def is/is going to be Something, and maybe not a vamp/just a vamp heh can you tell i'm obsessed i'm sorry i just really love it and there aren't many sh fics that are so long and Good (for me that is bc i don't read sh fics where he's shipped with any of the maknae line)

You have experience... good for me, good for me

We shall see ^^ I really read a few interesting takes so I wonder if you'll like how it turns out (5 years later)

I'm glad you're one of the people who like sh centric! About your love for heehoon, one of the reason why I've started writing this fic was because I couldn't really find something that would suit my taste with jayhoon, so it would be cruel to transform it into heehoon fic (which doesn't mean we can't have heehoon bits heheheeee).

Hajoon's closed, Rudolf... is the piano man. About the ring, it hasn't been clarified and now I'm trying to be careful with dropping hints beacuse I don't want to spoil anyone's fun and y'all detectives-

Sunghoon... yes I'm glad that you've found the fic! c:

[starmieknight]

Chapter Six: In Which A Quiet Revelation Is Made

Pairing: (poly) Jeongguk x Jimin x Taehyung x Original Character, [background OT7 implied]

Summary: Hari is an exchange student spending a year abroad to learn more about her grandfather’s heritage while she attends university, but stumbles into the strange, magical underbelly of his old hometown when she is saved by one of the university’s heart throbs, Park Jimin.

When Hari returns the favor and saves him from a scorned witch, she finds herself cursed and reliant on the youngest members of the Bangtan Coven, all of which are suffering from their own curses.

To save herself, Hari must first save them.

Contents: maknae line centric, Hyung Line is away for this story but no less loved and mentioned often, the boys are all whipped for each other, Polyamory, Magic, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Witches, Alternate Universe - College/University, Foursome - F/M/M/M, Slow Burn, Curses, Religious Guilt, Religious Conflict

Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven (coming soon)

After the girls parted ways with Jimin, Hari took the nameless girl back to her apartment, trying her best to be gentle with her. The enchantment had been lifted, but the girl was still dazed and very confused, still occasionally looking for Jimin like she was still stuck in her magical purpose.

Listening to Hari speak seemed to help her come back to her senses, so the copper-haired girl tried to keep up a running commentary on what exactly they were doing and where they were headed. It left Hari feeling like she was babysitting again, only this time it was for an adult instead of her two-year old cousin. She wondered if this would have been a situation she’d have experience with if she’d given into her wilder cousin’s requests to go out partying with her in high school.

She was rather grateful that she turned the older girl down most of the time. It had hurt her social status, but Hari thought she might die of embarrassment if she’d needed a friend to babysit her after getting smashed at a party. There was nothing wrong with going out and having fun, but Hari had grown up in a small town and hated the idea of everyone she went to high school with seeing her in a vulnerable state.

After what seemed like hours to finish a fifteen minute walk from the campus to her apartment, Hari helped the girl settle in on her couch and hurried to get her a glass of water. She wasn’t sure what else she was supposed to do. It wasn’t like coming out of an enchantment was the same as getting over a hangover, was it?

Hari lingered in the kitchen for a moment, sending a text to her cousin for advice and trying to be as discreet as possible, before returning to the girl on her couch.

The atmosphere was a bit awkward now that they were alone and out of a dangerous situation.

Hari didn’t even know the name of the stranger she had brought into her home.

The girl accepted the glass with a quiet ‘thank-you’ and hari chose to sit on the edge of her coffee table instead of joining her on the couch. She preferred to be able to see the girl.

“My name is Moon Hajoon.” Hari said after a while, unable to take the silence any longer. “I’m a second year at the university.”

“I am too.” the girl finally said, her voice low and smooth. It was a pleasant sort of voice when it wasn’t dead with a lack of emotion. She cleared her throat before bowing her head at Hari. “I’m Kim Yunseo. Thank you, you and your friend, for helping me.”

Hari smiled, glad to finally have a name to put with her. Her smile faltered for a moment as she thought back to her lack of help back at the cafe. “You don’t have to thank me. I should have acted sooner, back in the cafe, before things got as far as they did.”

Yunseo shrugged. “Maybe. But I’m glad you came back. I was so scared…”

Hari grimaced, feeling guiltier than ever. She should have been braver.

“I’m sorry.” she peered down at her hands, unable to look Yunseo in the eyes any longer. “I really couldn’t do anything on my own, in the end. Without Jimin’s help, I couldn’t have helped you at all.”

Yunseo seemed flustered by the reminder of Jimin and stood abruptly, startling Hari into looking up at her again. “I’m sorry.” Yunseo had gone pink and was staring at Hari like she had just come to a frightening conclusion. “It was never my intention to interrupt things between you two. Looking back, I think I kept you guys from each other. I’ll just go and let you get back to him-”

“Wait.” Hari commanded the girl, frowning as the other tried to run out the front door.

Yunseo froze, her entire body locking up not unlike it had when Hari had gotten Yunseo to stop grabbing at her in search of Jimin. Yunseo managed to turn her head, just enough to see that she and Hari were both wearing the same shocked expression.

“How are you doing this?” Yunseo asked, her voice shaking.

“I don’t know!” Hari cried, jumping to her feet. “I didn’t mean to! I take it back, whatever I did!”

The spell over Yunseo was broken and the girl’s shoulders slumped again, her scared expression softening into something softer. She blinked at Hari, returning to join her by the sofa.

“I guess that makes two of us.” she snorted, taking her seat again.

Hari hesitated before slowly sitting back down on the coffee table again. “This is weird.” She touched her throat self-consciously. “Could it be a side-effect from Jimin’s magic?”

Yunseo shrugged, just as lost as Hari, but a smile began forming on her face. “I dunno. My guess is as good as yours, but it’s nice to know I’m not in this boat by myself.”

Hari laughed, feeling exhausted by the events of the day. “I feel that, too.” Her expression turned pensive. “There was this weird feeling I had before. When I told you to let go… it was like the words weren’t mine. They just came out. Like, yelling something when you stub your toe or cut your hand.”

“Instinct?” Yunseo asked curiously, peering at like a child watching tropical fish. Hari couldn’t say she liked the feeling very much. “But you know, it didn’t feel the same way. That lady, the witch I guess, made me feel her magic in a bad way. IT was like - drowning in jello.” The girls both laughed at the image. Yunseo smiled helplessly at Hari, not feeling particularly funny. If she didn’t laugh about it, she might have cried though.

“It sounds gross.” Hari mused quietly.

“It feels gross.” Yunseo agreed, looking at her hands. “I wasn’t in control of myself. I couldn’t think about doing anything other than what she told me to do. But what you told me to do… it felt like freedom. Like you were pulling me up out of the mud and saying, ‘What are you doing? Have you forgotten where your legs are?’ And I could stand up again and it wasn’t jello, but oil sliding off of me.”

“Are you a literary major?” Hari asked with amusement, unable to stop her smile at the imagery Yunseo kept presenting her with.

“Business.” Yunseo corrected with a stronger smile. “I don’t have much imagination. Fantasy novels and books about magic have never been my thing. I ought to be frightened of magic after what happened. It’s fascinating.” Her expression was awed, like she couldn’t believe her own words, and Hari couldn’t relate.

She had been curious to start with, but now she was frightened. Of the magic and what it was doing to her. Of what she could do if it didn’t fade from her soon.

“My father would be having a fit over this.” Hari said quietly to herself, English feeling odd on her lips after so many weeks of disuse. She thought about her father’s strict ban on things like Harry Potter and Aladdin and his dislike of fairy Tale books. She thought back to the fire and brimstone sermons she’d been forced to sit through in the backwater churches her father had taken them to throughout her childhood. She shuddered. He would condemn her in an instant for any involvement with unholy magic.

Her feelings on religion and her relationship with her father was eased somewhat by the literal ocean between Hari and her home, but the fears that had been drilled into her head throughout her life were harder to escape.

“Can you do it again?” Yunseo asked eagerly, oblivious to Hari’s internal dilemma.

Could she? Not only could she physically call upon it, but could she bend the morals her father carried so strongly to mess around with something she didn’t understand.

“Stand up.” she commanded Yunseo, not at all confidently. “Do a handstand.”

Yunseo shook her head, not feeling the impulse to follow Hari’s instructions. “Try again. With feeling maybe?”

“Get up!” Hari scowled, searching for that feeling again. If it was there, she wanted to know, she wanted control so that she couldn’t accidentally misuse it. She wanted to contain it so it wouldn’t condemn her to hell for living in her. “Go to the kitchen.”

Yunseo looked disappointed, pouting a bit. “Oh. I guess it was just some leftover residue.” She smiled guiltily at Hari. “I was just hoping that maybe… it can’t be all bad, can it?”

Could it? Jimin had used it to save her from the Black Shuck, hadn’t he? He saved Yunseo from her enchantment. And Hari had helped somehow, hadn’t she?

Hari didn’t like being pushed to use a magic she didn’t know anything about, but could she fault Yunseo for wanting the same reassurance she needed? They both needed a sense of control, a sense of safety.

For all the bad magic they had seen together so far, shouldn’t they also know if there was a safety switch to turn it off?

“I’m scared.” Hari said quietly, the simple honesty sounding loud in the silence of her living room.

“So am I.” Yunseo looked down at her hands again. “Would you mind if I gave you my number?”

Hari pulled her phone out of her pocket, unlocking it and silently offering it to Yunseo with a mutual understanding.

Neither of them wanted to be alone in this. They weren’t quite friends yet, but they could be allies.

Hari looked at the simple name Yunseo had put into her contacts, no emojis or cute style. It was a simple name, as plain as the girl before her. Kim Yunseo.

It made her terribly hopeful.

Friends forged in fire could be the truest kind.

[ttherose]

Do you know any good hajoon blogs I could follow. I love 1 lil drumming bean, but I hardly ever see him around here. 💖💖💖 That cover of his was fantastic btw, thank you for sending it to me! Also thank you for blessing my dash with the rose content, just thank you in general really

There aren’t really any Hajoon centric blogs, the closest you can get is ot4 blogs, but some great Hajoon stans are @yueliangs-wonderland, and @jisung-exe, and I know there are other Hajoon stans around but I can’t think of their blogs at the moment, IF THERE ARE HAJOON STANS OUT THERE PLEASE SEND ME A MESSAGE SO I CAN LET OTHERS KNOW YOU EXIST

[pekyuliarnuisance]

YULETIDE LETTER 2017

Dear Yuletide Writer,

first of all, thank you so so so much from the bottom of my heart! We matched on a fandom, how great is that! Thank you for sharing my fandom interest. I’ve never met you but I love you, etc. I promise I’m very easy to please and I already appreciate your effort, so please don’t stress too much. Also this is my first time participating in Yuletide (i know right!), so please bear with me if this letter is a bit clumsy and awkward as I’m still very much a Yuletide newbie. x

I shall talk a little bit about some of my general likes and dislikes, and a bit more about the fandoms I picked. Don’t feel too pressured by anything in this letter though, I’m sure whatever you write will be lovely and I’m honestly so grateful. Alright, here we go:

LIKES

Friends to lovers. I’m such trash for this. I love reading those moments when someone is just chilling with their best friend, playing video games or fighting over the remote, and they’ve known each other for years, but suddenly it’s like... god, they’re the most beautiful person. If that makes sense.

Hurt/comfort. I know, only the second thing on the list and we’re already going full speed ahead on the pain train. But I really am a huge loser for hurt/comfort in pretty much any shape and form, be it physical or emotional or -- better yet -- both. As long as there is light at the end of the tunnel, you can give me all the angst you want. *chinhands*)

Firsts. First loves, first kisses, first dates, first times, first I love yous, etc. Essentially trusting someone so much that you’d trust them with your first anything. 

Found family, unlikely friends. Nothing better than some weirdos finding happiness and safety in each other.

Ladies. I know most of the characters I’ll be talking about later are male (shame on me tbh), but like give me wonderful lady side characters being wonderful and I will for real love you forever. 

World-building, imagery. I’m a very visual person so I absolutely love descriptions of places, things, people. Like, whether you’re describing a whole new universe or someone’s favourite sweater, I promise I’ll love it.

I do love smut (from clumsy, careful first times to rough desperate spur-of-the-moment sex) but I’ll also be just as happy without it. I took a fic kink quiz once and my main kink was kissing, so. No stress, I promise.

Domesticity. Sharing clothes, falling asleep in front of the tv, fond nicknames, taking care of each other, etc.

Vulnerability, emotional conversations.

Body worship, character being called beautiful by the person they like/love.

Tropes like having to share a bed, or having to huddle for warmth in the cold, or kissing in the rain.

DISLIKES

Hard kink (bdsm, toys, blood, humiliation, etc)

Mpreg, kidfic

Genderswap

1st person POV

Vampires/werewolves

Poly/threesomes/orgies.

Noncon/dubcon/violence between characters of a main ship. if someone gets hurt by an oc, that’s okay.

Complete disregard of homophobia. Like, I get that we all want a utopian world where everyone is either queer or super cool with it, but sadly that’s not how things work now. (Feel free to ask further questions! I’m not the best at explaining.)

This is really specific but just to be safe; eye-related injury/illness. All the things mentioned above are squicks, this one is an actual panic disorder trigger.

I think those were all the major likes and dislikes, I hope it wasn’t too overwhelming (or too little). Now onwards to the requested fandoms!

발칙하게 고고 | Sassy Go Go

I would love love love a Yeol/Hajoon fic (where Hajoon thinks Yeol shines brighter than the fucking sun, and Yeol kisses Hajoon’s bruises, and they find comfort in each other and and and), but if that’s not your jam, gen fic is totally fine as well. Anything exploring Yeol and Hajoon’s relationship through the years (whether romantic or platonic) would be wonderful; how did they become friends in the first place, how did Yeol find out about Hajoon’s bruises, what happened the first time Hajoon tried to kill himself? A Hajoon-centric fic exploring his abuse and depression (realistically, not in the “love magically heals everything!” type of way) would be great, too. I love Hajoon, basically.

I also adore the heck out of Dongjae and Yeondoo (and the rest of the squad), so if you’re more comfortable writing gen fic about, like, idk, the gang going on a road trip or being really supportive when Hajoon has one of his bad days or trying to help Dongjae flirt with Sooah, then go for it and I will happily read it! Hajoon and Dongjae bonding over their traumatic (though different) pasts and the friends who helped them (Yeol and Yeondoo, respectively) would also be great.

Kong: Skull Island

YOOOO. GUNPEI AND MARLOW THO. I want to read all about their early years on the island. How did they become friends after literally trying to kill each other, how did they decide survival was more important than the uniforms they were wearing, how did they overcome the language barrier? Awkward conversations, slowly learning to trust each other, exploring the island together, being homesick, building stuff together, fighting out of frustration but then making up! If you’re up for writing romantic fic about them, I definitely wouldn’t mind two soldiers far away from home becoming each other’s most important people, huddling for warmth on cold nights, ((taking their frustrations out on each other in the form of “we’re both going to die, I fucking hate you” sex and then feeling absolutely terrified/confused afterwards)). I would actually love any of that so much, but any kind of fic about these two boys stranded on monkey island will make me happy.

무사 백동수 | Warrior Baek Dong Soo

OKAY FIRST OF ALL I LOVE YEO WOON TO THE MOON AND BACK, so anything Woon-centric would warm my little heart. And Dongsoo, omg, the purest cinnamon roll, protect at all costs, etc. I’ll love anything, I promise. I know this is pretty specific but, if you’re up for it, I would absolutely love a modern AU where reincarnated Dongsoo and Woon meet and get a second chance at defying destiny. As friends or as something more intimate, that's up to you. I definitely would love a Dongsoo/Woon romance but gen fic is a-okay too, so no stress.  Anything where Woon is even remotely happy, even if it’s only for a short time, would be greatly appreciated. That boy deserves all the days in the sun with Dongsoo. ;;

Psychometry

kim bum in this damn movie tho am i right omg don’t look at me Romantic Chundong/Jun would make me super happy but if that's not your jam friendship fic is totally fine as well. Just, god, these two, all of my unlikely friends and found family feelings. I just want Chundong helping Jun with all the traumas/anxiety he has re: his ability, and Jun in turn helping Chundong cope with the guilt re: his brother's death, since they're the only people who know these things about each other. Working another police case together? Jun touching Chundong and seeing them together? I’ll love anything tbh, there’s literally no fic about this movie (whyyyy). Hurt/comfort in some shape or form would be awesome.

The Absolutist - John Boyne

If this is the fandom we matched on, I want to hug you because you’ve also suffered through the utmost heartbreak that is this book. Okay, so, there’s literally no way to write a fix-it fic about The Absolutist, but I would so appreciate anything to fill at least a tiny bit of the gaping hole in my chest that this book left behind. Maybe like a “deleted scene” type of thing, like what was life like for Tristan and Will on the very few tolerable days they had together? What did they talk about, what was their first time like, etc? Maybe something like that? Or maybe some kind of AU (not too fluffy though bc I don’t think I could take it ;;)? Or if you have something else in mind, go for it! Oh, also, if you want to write in 1st person, it’s fine with me in this case since the book is also in 1st person. Whatever you prefer is totally fine.

응답하라 1997 | Answer Me 1997          

KANG JOON HEE. BEST KDRAMA QUEER CHARACTER OR BEST KDRAMA QUEER CHARACTER. I'd be forever thankful for a Yoonjae/Joonhee fic but I'm also down for Joonhee struggling with his one-sided love (because even though he always put on a brave face and didn’t show his emotions too much, we all know he must’ve been hurting) or for some 1997 squad friendship adventures (I LOVE THE ENTIRE GANG).

If you do write Yoonjae/Joonhee, I'd love for it to be the kind of thing where something happens sort of accidentally when Yoonjae and Shiwon aren't officially together yet. Like maybe Yoonjae is being whiny and clueless re: his feelings for Shiwon, and he convinces Joonhee to get drunk with him, and they end up making out (or more? *chinhands* totally up to you!) and Joonhee is always so so smart and he knows they shouldn't be doing this, but Yoonjae is everything he wants so he lets himself have this one night, even though he's not the one Yoonjae really wants and they both know it. Okay, that was really specific, it doesn't have to go like that exactly, that's just one prompt in case you decide to write Yoonjae/Joonhee. I’ll be happy with pretty much anything, I promise.

--

Have fun, feel free to ask further questions, and please don’t stress or worry too much! Thank you so much! x

[ao3feed-namkook]

Finding Our Treasure

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/35v8vsE

by Jae_Hee_ah

Discovering a tiny teen sleeping behind a dumpster (bin/trash can) beaten black and blue, is the beginning of this story. Join us on an adventure to find out own treasure.

 ...idk

Tags explain kinda... they’re also a mess

But mafia au with bts as mafia bosses and Namjoon being a sugar baby that is badass and protective, and wooyoungie being a sad abused baby

Words: 604, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: ATEEZ (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS, Stray Kids (Band), The Rose (Band), SEVENTEEN (Band), Day6 (Band)

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage

Categories: Gen, M/M, Multi, Other

Characters: Lee Minho | Lee Know, Jung Wooyoung, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Kim Namjoon | RM, Jeon Jungkook, Min Yoongi | Suga, Park Jimin (BTS), Kim Taehyung | V, Kim Seokjin | Jin, Bang Chan, Choi San, Kang Yeosang, Jeong Yunho, Kim Hongjoong, Park Seonghwa, Song Mingi, Kim Mingyu, Xu Ming Hao | The8, Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Park Dojoon | Leo, Lee Hajoon | Dylan, Lee Jaehyeong | Jeff, Kim Woosung | Sammy, Lee Seokmin | DK, Han Jisung | Han, Seo Changbin, Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Choi Jongho, Original Characters, but they’re not hugely important, Kang Younghyun | Young K, Park Jaehyung | Jae, Yoon Dowoon, Kim Wonpil

Relationships: Jung Wooyoung/Everyone, Wooyoung/Everyone, Choi Jongho/Choi San/Jeong Yunho/Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang/Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa/Song Mingi, Jung Wooyoung & Kim Namjoon, Kim Namjoon | RM/Everyone, Kim Namjoon | RM & Everyone, Jeon Jungkook/Jung Hoseok/Kim Namjoon/Kim Seokjin/Kim Taehyung/Min Yoongi/Park Jimin, Jeon Jungkook/Kim Namjoon | RM, Lee Jihoon | Woozi/Everyone, Wen Jun Hui | Jun/Everyone, OT4 - Relationship, OT7 - Relationship, OT8 - Relationship, OT9, OT13, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Everyone, Chan/Everyone, Bang Chan/Everyone

Additional Tags: Mafia AU, Baby Boy Kim Namjoon | RM, Baby Boy Jung Wooyoung, wooyoung is adorable, Namjoon being cute, Cute Kim Namjoon | RM, Cute Jung Wooyoung, Bottom Jung Wooyoung, Dancer Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Weapons Dealer Jung Hoseok l J-Hope, badass bts, Protective Kim Namjoon | RM, Protective Jeon Jungkook, Protectiveness, Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Namjoon being a mum, Namjoon being a mom, american spelling is weird, Wooyoung being cute, Wooyoung is everyone but OT7 Ateez’ child, protect him pls, Namjoon protecc, Namjoon attacc, Namjoon a snacc, BTS try not be whipped for Kim Namjoon, Joshua is adorable, Bottom Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Soft Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Student Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Student Jung Wooyoung, Kinda, Jung Wooyoung-centric, text fic, story fic, porn fic, this an arcade of fanfic, BTS being Badass Mafia Kings, i stan, Dancer Jung Wooyoung, imma just keep creating tags, is there going to be a summary for this fic, that is the question, i should be studying, aiii exams, Yunho is my bias wrecker so that may shine through, whoops, but like Wooyoungie be soo, Cute, loud, this fic is hella gay, woozi’s guitar was here, probably won’t see either of them for a bit now, What noise, there was no noise, kinda sad, Depression, beware Team Iron Man, we don’t stan a liar in this household, ffff you Captain Ammurica, Namkook being the superior ship, Thighs, as was Mingyu, welp, cRAaSsH, what was that noise?, Taeyong making an appearance and being adorable, but also a mum, Mom - Freeform, American spelling is still weird, Fic Challenge, how many groups in one groupchat, Younghyun is Cute TM, Younghyun is Brian, Brian is Younghyun, Sub Kang Younghyun | Young K, but like shy sub, Also Dowoon being a badass drum, Dowoon loves Younghyun, he cute, Dowoon cute, Jae has given up on his group, he’s leaving, his one man band called Jae6 is now a thing, Day6 as a college band, Younghyun is studying Economics, what a strange child, Tags are a mess TM, Younghyun is a fox cub, fite me, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Tags Are Hard, Tags Are Fun, This was more fun than working out bold on the text chapter, BoomBoom

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/35v8vsE

[fairyniceyeah]

🌹🩵 I'm under cold rain again

Title from Take me down (The Rose)

Summary: After a week of vacation with his parents Hajoon is ready to see his members again. But instead he is sick, a few hours away, alone and the security guards are more than rude to him. All he wants to be is home.

CW: emeto, kind of public emeto, idol mistreatment

Sickie: Hajoon/Dylan Caretaker: /

Never had Hajoon thought that a week of vacation could end so horribly.

They had all taken a week off to spend time with their families. Jaehyeong hadn’t seen his parents who lived in Samcheok for some time now and, considering their work, the drive down to Busan was way too long for Dojoon to just casually go see his. A flight to America for just a week wouldn’t have made sense, so Woosung had decided to visit his grandparents. And Hajoon had gone home to his family in Gwangju.

It really had been an amazing time he had spent with his parents - despite their fights in his teenage years Hajoon did love his parents a lot. They had grown closer the further apart they were and now as an adult Hajoon appreciated them a lot. So it had been great to spend a whole week just with his parents and they even had taken time off to be together the whole time. 

While he missed his members Hajoon was a bit sad to let his parents go again but he knew that much longer than a week would end up with petty disagreements again.

🌹

Yet the day had come that they traveled back to Seoul, so he and his travel protectors were waiting at the station with a few other people for the bus that was running late. He had said his goodbyes to his parents already at home so they hadn’t had to take the whole day off when he left in the middle of the morning. The two security guards were immersed in a conversation and Hajoon, for the first time that day, had the time to breathe.

There was a headache pulsating in his head since yesterday evening, the reason why he had overslept and therefore had already started the day with stress. His mother actually had to wake him which had nearly ended in a fight because he had accidentally snapped at her before swiftly apologizing. There was a dull sense of nausea in his stomach, had been since he had woken up. What was more concerning to him, however, was the lump in his throat that stopped him from swallowing down the accumulating saliva in his mouth and which seemed to move up every time he tried. 

He could have ignored all of that if he wasn’t full on sweating even though he was freezing and he could tell that his hands were trembling. He had looked pale that morning when he had glanced in the mirror for like two seconds.

Great, not even on the bus yet and he was already miserable. He had taken the motion sickness pill he would need to get through the drive but it seemed to not help against the nausea he was experiencing now. 

Why did he have to feel so off now? Surrounded by strangers and security guards he wasn’t even sure knew his name waiting on a delayed bus of all things. 

For a moment he considered calling one of his members, desperately needing to hear a familiar voice but what could they do? They were about four hours away from him. His parents had done enough for him in the past week, so he didn’t want to bother them. Besides, he had to get back to Seoul no matter what.

Hajoon swallowed again. This time the funny feeling in his throat went up to new heights and for a second he was convinced he was about to puke right then and there. Taking a deep breath he was able to calm down the sensation for a bit but not himself.

He needed space and privacy, now.

“I need to use the bathroom”, he muttered to the security guards who were dressed like normal citizens to not draw any attention to them. One of them rolled his eyes. 

“The bus will be here soon”, he said, annoyance in his voice. Hajoon wasn’t sure what their names were either, they had never introduced themselves when they were hired for just this trip. 

Hajoon also wasn’t sure why hiring two security guards was less expensive than a rental car since his own had broken down a week before but it had been a decision he couldn’t influence. So they had relaxed at a hotel for a week while he was with his family. What a cozy job.

At first Hajoon had been too afraid to ask the guards' names when they hadn’t introduced themselves and then it would have been awkward to ask their names three days down the line. So he had been calling them One and Two in his head. It was weird to say the least but what could he do? Hajoon’s mindset was switching between hating how socially awkward he was and questioning why he had thought that a job where he constantly had to meet new people was the right thing for him knowing fully well just how socially awkward he was. 

“Please”, Hajoon said, coming close to begging them, “I’ll go on my own, surely you can ask the driver to wait for a second. I really need to go.”

“Fine. I’ll go with you, we ain’t losing our job because you wandered off on the last day”, One said, equally irked. 

Hajoon shrunk under his gaze but he was too intimidated to argue. Besides, he was feeling really sick and getting away from the other people was his priority. 

If he truly had to throw up Hajoon wanted to make it to the bathroom to be sick in peace, without an audience. He was terrified that he was actually sick - a three hours drive away from home and in the company of the most uncaring people he ever had had the misfortune of working with. There was nothing he could do, however, stomach throwing a fit and his body hating him. 

So he nodded and swiftly turned around to walk to the restrooms hidden around a corner behind the ticket shop as fast as possible. He didn't have time to check if anybody was following him or not.

Rushing had not been the right decision, upsetting his stomach even more. He barely made it around the corner before - without any warning - his body forced him to stop and double over. He didn't have a chance to stop it and a mouthful of vomit splattered onto the ground below him. Dumbfounded, he stared down at it, not quite comprehending what had just happened. 

Then it hit him - he had just thrown up at a bus station, alone with two unsympathetic security guards, hours away from Seoul.

Fuck.

“You gotta be kidding me”, One cursed.

“I’m sorry”, Hajoon whispered, frozen on the spot with one hand pressed to his mouth. 

Had that really just happened? At least nobody was there to see except One. 

“You need to puke again?”, he asked roughly. 

Hajoon shook his head. His stomach still felt weird and unsettled but the feeling in his throat had gone away. Small mercies. 

“Good, ‘cause we ain’t nurse-maids."

Embarrassed by the small, yellowish puddle on the ground but too overwhelmed to do anything about it, Hajoon followed the security guard back to the station. One quickly conversed with Two, who threw him an angry glance and huffed.

Hajoon couldn't help but shrink into himself, shivering in the cold air. He just wanted to be home.

As if hearing his prayers, the bus appeared in the distance and One ushered him into a seat while Two went to store their bags. 

Luckily the bus was rather empty except for an older lady and a young family. 

Hajoon sank down on the window seat, completely exhausted and close to tears. This was not about to be a fun drive. One seemed to agree with him on that account and shoved a plastic bag at him before taking his own seat in the row in front of Hajoon. He was quickly joined by Two and the bus took off.

More than a bit mortified, Hajoon pushed the bag into the side pocket of his backpack and tried to make himself more comfortable. Shivering in the cold bus, Hajoon pulled his jacket tighter around himself and leaned against the window. His forehead, unlike the rest of his body, seemed to be burning. The cold glass helped until the bus started to shake too much and his head painfully collided with the window. Tears were burning in his eyes but he refused to let them fall. He would not humiliate himself any further.

🌹

The drummer's phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out to check. There was a message from Dojoon and desperate for a bit of comfort he quickly opened it.

Dojoon (10:48): Morning! Are you on your way back yet? Hajoon (10:49): Yes

For a moment he contemplated if he really should say something about his condition, making his best friends worry when they couldn’t do anything to help. But he was feeling so alone, so sick and he just wanted to be comforted. Even if it was just via Kakao.

Hajoon (10:51): Hyung, I don’t feel good

There was no message from Dojoon for a few minutes and Hajoon just tried to stay calm and not burst into tears.

Dojoon (11:02): Sorry, I just came back home myself and was unpacking. What’s wrong? Hajoon (11:02): I threw up  Dojoon (11:03): Oh, baby. I’m so sorry you’re feeling bad. Anything I can do? Hajoon (11:04): Can I call you? Dojoon (11:04): Certainly!

Hajoon was glad the older member agreed, just staring at his phone screen was making him feel quite queasy. Quickly he pulled up his hyung’s contact and pressed the call button. It didn’t even take two beeps until the call went through.

“Hi, Joon-ah”, Dojoon greeted on the other end. Hajoon had to press his fingernails into his palms so he wouldn’t burst into tears after just hearing his voice. He would give anything to hug his hyung right now. Or Woosung. Or Jaehyeong.

“Hey.” His voice didn't come out as confident as he would have liked and Dojoon certainly picked up on that. Besides, his hyung wasn’t stupid, he knew Hajoon wasn’t the type to cry wolf so something actually was wrong.

“What’s happened?”, Dojoon asked, concerned. His voice was so soft and comforting. Hajoon wanted to be at home, right now.

“Hyung”, Hajoon whispered, “The bus was late, we were waiting for so long, I am freezing cold and a bit damp from the rain. I didn’t even make it to the bathrooms at the station. I don't know what's wrong with me.”

"That sounds miserable, baby. I’m so sorry. And you got sick before you even entered the bus?", Dojoon clarified, sounding so very worried.

"Hm." Hajoon hummed in agreement. He didn't particularly want to re-live that moment in his mind again. He still couldn’t quite wrap his mind around it.

“So, it’s not just motion sickness?”, Dojoon asked and Hajoon shook his head before remembering that Dojoon couldn’t see him. Dojoon couldn’t see him, because Dojoon was about 300 kilometers away from him.

That’s when the tears fell and he quietly sobbed into the receiver.

“I think I’m running a fever too. I really don’t feel good”, he whispered. He didn’t want to be glared at by the security guards, who already seemed to have forgotten his existence. Neither did he want to get noticed by any of the other travelers.

“Oh, Joon-ah. I wish I could do anything to help you”, Dojoon sighed. Hajoon knew he was telling the truth. As much as Dojoon could be a loud and wild bother, he really cared about his members. 

“Talking with you helps”, Hajoon mumbled, wiping at his eyes. 

“I’m glad. Do you have any medication? Are the guards taking good care of you?"

“I took the motion sickness pill but I don’t think it helps. I do have my migraine medication but I don't think it's a migraine and I don't want to end up completely knocked out in public.” He skirted around the other question but Dojoon couldn’t be fooled.

“Yeah, I don't think that would be a good idea", his hyung agreed, "And the security? Do they have anything to help?”

“No.” Well, Hajoon wasn't going to ask. The less contact where they could belittle him and make him feel shit about himself the better.

“Are they at least nice?”

Hajoon glanced between the seats and saw that both of them had earphones in and were on their phones. They didn't seem to care that he was their responsibility. Still, he didn’t want to seem ungrateful. They weren’t paid to be nice or take care of a sick adult, they were there to protect him and they did. 

There was just nothing they could protect him from.

“Not really”, Hajoon settled on saying. He didn’t want to lie to Dojoon and he felt like he deserved to complain a bit. 

“Oh, baby. I'm sorry you're having such a miserable time”, Dojoon cooed. His tone would be patronizing in any other situation, it should have been in this too. But it wasn’t.

“Hyung, I just wanna be home”, Hajoon whispered.

“I know, I want you here too. Woosung should be back from his grandparents, too, any … oh speaking off. Hey, Sammy, glad you’re back. Hm, it’s Hajoon, he’s not feeling good. Hold on, I’ll put us on speaker”, Dojoon said and then the familiar voice of his oldest hyung came through: “Hi, baby, what’s wrong? I miss you.”

“Miss you too, hyung”, Hajoon replied, “I think I got a stomach bug or something. I threw up a bit.”

“Oh, that’s miserable”, Woosung said, sounding genuinely sorry, “how long until you’re back?”

“Three hours, give or take.”

“That’s not so long, you’ll be with us soon. Actually, around that time I agreed to pick up Jeff from the train station. Leo, can you?”, Woosung asked, voice full of regret.

“Of course I’ll pick my favorite drummer up”, Dojoon agreed readily, making Hajoon giggle a bit.

“I’m really sorry, Hajoon-ah”, Woosung cut in then, “but I’ve been driving non-stop and I really need to use the bathroom. Call me if you want to though. Bye.” Hasty footsteps were heard and Dojoon started to laugh.

“You would have had the time of your life seeing him potty-dancing like that”, Dojoon commented and Hajoon had to smile a bit at the mental image. Then Dojoon’s voice got louder: “Yes, you did! Just go, dumbass.”

Hajoon burst into wet giggles at that.

“Now, that’s better”, Dojoon commented and for a moment they were silent.

“Tell me about your time with your parents? How was Busan?”, Hajoon asked, “Distract me.”

Immediately Dojoon launched into storytelling about everything that had happened the past week. The good Italian restaurant they had been at. Meeting old school friends. The seagull that had stolen his fries. While it all was very entertaining Hajoon kept yawning. He was so tired. Even if his motion sickness didn’t translate into more than the nausea he was feeling anyway, it still made him tired.

As he yawned again, Dojoon stopped in the middle of a story about … ice cream? Hajoon wasn’t sure.

“Why don’t you try to close your eyes and sleep? Maybe when you wake up you’re already here”, Dojoon suggested, “I promise, I will meet you at the bus station and take you home, okay?”

Sleeping through the whole drive sounded like a dream - pun intended. Hajoon was so tired anyway and if he didn't have to be conscious until Dojoon was there to give him one of his bear hugs, Hajoon was fine with it.

“I will try, hyung”, Hajoon replied, “promise you will be there?” Hajoon really didn’t care that he sounded like a child right now.

“Promise”, Dojoon said, “close your eyes. It’s only two and a half hours and I will be there. Call any of us if you need anything or just want to talk. Love you, baby.”

“Thanks, hyung. Love you, too. Bye”, Hajoon replied to the seldomly used but always felt words.

“Bye. Sleep well.”

Hajoon opened his bag to search for his headphones, ignoring the crinkling of the plastic bag he really hoped he wouldn’t have to use. When he found the headphones he quickly connected them to his phone, putting on his comfort playlist. It consisted to the biggest part of their own songs and some songs by other groups – mainly those the groups had written for their fans or members like #LoveStay, Star 1117 and Circles. They all included messages of hope and love and comfort. Something Hajoon really needed right now. Just hearing his leader's voice in his ears comforted him despite making him miss Woosung even more.

Despite freezing to the core the drummer managed to curl himself into a small ball, legs pulled up onto the seat next to him. He didn’t really care that it was forbidden, he just really needed the added warmth and comfort. He rested his head against the backrest and closed his eyes.

🌹

He hadn’t expected to be able to actually fall asleep. Normally he never was somebody who was able to fall asleep while driving - a mix of motion sickness and general discomfort. He would try and shift around until he gave up.

So when he woke up he was very disoriented - not sure where, how or why he was. Then the nausea hit. 

Hajoon gagged against his hand, suddenly wide awake in his panic. He didn’t want to be sick. Especially not on a bus without anybody to rub his back or help him when needed. But he wasn’t given a choice and since he didn’t want to throw up all over himself he frantically opened his backpack to rip out the plastic bag.

As soon as he had managed to open it he shoved his head inside, burping loudly. If he wasn’t feeling so wretched he would be embarrassed. Right now, all he wanted was to stop feeling so sick. 

Tasting the sourness of bile on his tongue, he gagged violently again, eyes watering. This couldn’t be happening. He burped a second time, the noise echoing back at him.

Yet nothing would come up. He could only stare at the empty bottom of the half-see through bag and pray for death. 

Despite everything Hajoon nearly wished he would throw up then. He had been feeling so ill for so long and getting out the mouthful of vomit at the bus station had not helped at all. At least if he got it out now, he might feel better physically. But that wasn’t happening, apparently.

Still, his body seemed to fight itself. While his mouth and throat kept making him miserable, his stomach seemed to want to hold onto its contents. 

This was torture.

🌹

A few minutes of silent tears and nearly unbearable nausea later, some higher deity seemed to have mercy on him. The bus started to slow down and as Hajoon dared to look up he saw that they were pulling into a gas station.

"We're taking a fifteen minute break, be back by 12:08", the driver announced. Hajoon wasted no time. As soon as the doors were open he stumbled past the stunned guards and down the stairs to the outside. 

He pressed his back flat against the side of the bus, just trying to breathe in the fresh air. It did help. Not by a lot but the shock of cold had him more awake.

Light rain was spraying down but he was mostly protected by standing on the right side of the bus, shielded from the wind. The weather also meant that nobody really paid attention to him, not many people were out and, those that were, were more focused on themselves.

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply only to get interrupted by one of the security guards. Hajoon winced, squinting. It seemed to be Two.

"Do you need to use the bathroom?", he asked gruffly, “I’m going over there now. Your chance.”

Hajoon shook his head. Being out of the stuffy bus really helped the nausea a lot and he didn’t actually need to use the toilet.

"Right, just don’t complain. You can stay out here in the rain until we leave if you want", Two announced and left.

🌹

Weak-feeling and with trembling limbs, Hajoon squatted down as he didn't quite feel like he could keep standing. But he would have to go back into the bus too soon anyways for him to willingly move back inside to sit down now. The plastic bag crinkled in his hand and he grimaced at the sound. Hastily he placed it in the pocket of his jeans, not wanting anybody to see it.

His queasy stomach had started to ache over time and he was now sure that he was definitely running a fever. He doubled over a bit, only able to keep his balance with leaning against the bus, and placed a hand on his stomach. It barely helped.

Hajoon wanted to call Dojoon again, or any of his members, but as he patted the pockets of his jeans he came up empty handed. In his rush outside he must have forgotten to grab his phone.

Frustrated tears rolled down his face. Why couldn't he just be home with his members? He didn’t want to be alone. He knew it was ridiculous missing his members after just a week but he was so desperate for comfort. 

"Hey there", a soft voice said and, very confused, Hajoon dared to look up. A young woman was kneeling in front of him, the mother of the family in the bus. She gave him a gentle smile. 

"I noticed you're not feeling so good, are you?", she asked sympathetically. Confused and slightly overwhelmed, Hajoon shook his head. 

Having somebody notice he was not doing good was overwhelming. For one part he was scared that she recognized him and it would end up on the internet but for the other part, the bigger part, he couldn't help but tear up again at the kindness she showed him. 

"Your friends are kind of being assholes about it, huh?", she said, a hint of fury in her voice. She must mean the security guards. Hajoon shrugged, not caring to check if the two even noticed that he was approached by a stranger. Not that he thought that she would harm him but just on principle. 

"I guess so", Hajoon mumbled.

"I’m sorry. Anyways, my name is Haeun”, she introduced herself. 

After a moment Hajoon realized he probably should introduce himself too. But he was too tired to think of a different name or even think about if it was inappropriate to give a wrong one. So he just mumbled: “Hajoon.”

“Hajoon-ssi, it’s nice to meet you. What I actually came for, though: I have some antiemetics in my bag, if you would like to try?", the woman suggested, “traveling with kids is fun.”

At Hajoon’s reluctant glance, she added: “Don’t worry, the meds are also for adults.”

“Yeah, okay, thank you”, Hajoon whispered, “I … just I don’t know if I can keep them down.”

“Let me give you one just in case. You don’t need to take it if you don’t want to but it might help you feel better”, Haeun replied with a sad smile and reached into her bag to pull out a bottle of pills. When she looked up, her face went hard.

For a milli-second Hajoon was confused, then a tight grip on his arm unceremoniously yanked him upright. Everything swirled and he tilted to the side, vision graying out before it turned sharp again. He placed his free hand to his mouth, gagging violently as the motion upset his stomach. Luckily, nothing came up. Still, he was plagued by misery for a good minute until he got his tongue under control again. 

By then he found himself standing in the bus. One still had a strong, nearly painful grasp on his arm and Two was red in the face. Unceremoniously Hajoon was shoved into his seat and he was just barely able to stop himself from colliding with the window. 

“Are you fucking stupid?”, Two whisper-yelled and came close enough to Hajoon’s face that he could feel his breath. The drummer whimpered a bit, scared. He was sure that if they weren’t trying to keep everything on the down-low the other man would have yelled loudly. “Taking pills from a stranger? Do you actually want us to lose our jobs?”

Of course they only cared about their jobs. Not about his well-being if it hadn’t turned out to be actual nausea medication. 

Hajoon felt tears run down his face and the guards huffed. “I just wanted something against the nausea. I don’t feel good”, he sobbed helplessly. He was scared, lonely, nauseous and feverish. Didn’t they have any sympathy to spare?

“Suck it up. You’re an idol, isn’t that what you are supposed to do?”, Two added, still angry, “just sit here and don’t you dare fuck this up. Try not to puke, jeez.”

Hajoon sobbed into his hands, uncaring if anybody saw. He curled up into the corner of the seat and just prayed the drive was over soon.

🌹

Hajoon didn’t think he had ever been so relieved to be somewhere as the bus pulled into the bus station at Seoul. 

He had managed to sleep again a bit for the last leg of the drive but the nausea had been at an all time high. He didn’t understand - normally he got motion sick so easily but when he was actually sick it didn’t happen? Not that he particularly wanted to be sick in public but maybe it would have helped him feel just a tiny bit better. 

Most of the time he had just closed his eyes and tried to focus on the music - he had had to skip Nauseous though, the song a constant reminder and a teasing sound in his ear. Hajoon wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to listen to it normally again.

The bus had long grown stuffy with bad air and tension. But it was only a few minutes until he was about to see Dojoon again and he was growing impatient with longing. 

Somehow having driven through Seoul made the waiting even worse as he was so close and yet so far away. The heavy, gray clouds and the rain outside were matching his mood and made him just want to lie in a warm bed. Soon.

Finally, the bus came to a stop and as soon as the doors opened Hajoon stumbled outside, uncaring that he nearly fell down the last step or that he was basically drenched in rain the second he was under the open sky. 

He had made it all the way back. With his body shaking from exhaustion, fear and sickness, but he was back to be reunited with his friends.

And finally, fresh air. He took a deep breath and glanced left and right to see if he could spot Dojoon. Indeed, there was a lone figure with an umbrella in the distance. There was no doubt in Hajoon’s mind that it was his Dojoon-hyung.  

Nobody else was there, the other people must have decided to wait inside one of the nearby cafés during the downpour. At least something went right.

Hajoon walked towards Dojoon as quickly as his churning stomach allowed, pressing one hand against the upset organ as rain and tears ran down his face. Dojoon broke out in a run as soon as he spotted him and Hajoon supposed he was about to be scolded for getting himself drenched. 

Seeing his hyung triggered something within him, maybe it was just his body feeling safe or something else. Whatever it was - just as Dojoon was about to hug him, Hajoon couldn’t help but lurch forward, placing his hands on his knees. A large wave of stomach contents spewed from his mouth onto the ground and partially on Dojoon’s shoes. 

To his credit, his hyung just stepped backwards and suddenly the only water on Hajoon’s face was his own tears.

A hand came to rest on his back and held him steady as he kept retching and gagging for what felt like a small eternity. Still, after feeling sick all day with barely any relief it was nearly a good feeling to finally bring something up. Even if it seemed like it was his whole internal system.

Ultimately his stomach seemed to be empty and Hajoon was able to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand. Dojoon’s hand never left him as Hajoon straightened back up – well, as far as his aching stomach muscles allowed. Then he turned around to face his hyung.

Dojoon was completely soaked by the rain, the water running down his face and dripping down his nose and chin. Still, he kept holding the umbrella over Hajoon’s head to keep him from getting soaked even more. We’ll be in the rain indeed.

“Hyung”, Hajoon whispered and strong arms wrapped around him, a hand guiding his head to rest on Dojoon’s shoulder. One last time his tears spilled over and he cried for himself and the misery he had gone through. And he cried out of relief because he knew he wasn’t alone anymore.

Hajoon didn’t even care just how damp everything was, that he never managed to thank the woman and that he probably would have to face the guards one last time – he finally had his hyung. 

“I’ve got you, baby”, Dojoon whispered, stroking his back, “I’m here. Let’s get you home."

Notes: Happy Birthday, Hajoon!

Masterlist links: Fairy's Full Masterlist Fairy's Masterlist - The Rose  

[fairyniceyeah]

🌹💙 Sorry (Hajoon Series Part 5)

Part 1: Angel Part 2: Nauseous Part 3: Eclipse Part 4: Take Me Down

Summary: Getting drunk is the only way Hajoon feels like he can deal with everything.

CW: low self-esteem, drunkness, alcohol consumption, emeto

지쳐버린 난 tonight

잊혀지지 않는 말

Hajoon was drunk. It had never been his intention but he hadn’t wanted to go home after talking with the lawyer. Why should he? He hadn’t wanted to see his … co-workers. Yeah, that’s all they were. Friends didn’t hate friends.

But now, inside the bar and several shots later, he felt numb. He had hoped the alcohol would make him feel good. It didn’t. Quite the opposite, he now felt like either crying or throwing up. Now even the previous buzzing effect had left him. If it wasn’t going to work he might as well just go home and face the others.

He flagged the barman, paid his tab and stumbled outside. The fresh air hit him in the face and he took a deep breath, pulling his cap into his face even more. He doubted people would recognize him but if they did he couldn’t drag the band down. Not more than he already did with his mere presence.

Hajoon called himself a taxi, not trusting himself to walk and not wanting to make anything harder if he was seen, and gave the address. Ten minutes later he stood in front of the entrance door and hesitated. He was dizzy, the world spinning a bit and the lights were on.

At least one of the others was home.

Any hope of just slipping undetected into his room vanished. Oh, hell. He fumbled with the keypad a bit, the numbers not quite where he thought they were. At last he was allowed entrance with his final try.

돌이킬 수 없어 sorry

이기적인 난 I'm sorry

Holding onto the wall, he made his way inside. He had taken only a few steps when he was met with a surprised shout of his name. Dojoon was standing at the end of the hall and ran towards him. What Hajoon did not expect was for the older man to hug him as soon as he reached him. What was Dojoon doing?

Woosung and Jaehyeong came into the hall as well, looking … relieved? Oh, they were probably worried about him ruining their reputation.

Hajoon could already imagine the headline: Pathetic drummer of band The Rose, Lee Hajoon, found stumbling drunk in the streets. Or worse: The Rose members decided to continue as three after disagreement with disappointing drummer Lee Hajoon. 

“Hajoon-ah, we were …”, Jaehyeong said, coming over to them. His eyes looked red. Hajoon was too drunk to try to understand why. Then the maknae sniffed. “Are you…? Hyung, are you drunk?”

“What?”, Woosung asked, materializing next to Hajoon. The drummer felt caged in by them and pushed Dojoon away from him. “Dylan, did you go out drinking?”

“And what if I did?”, Hajoon challenged the leader, “I’m an adult, I can take care of myself.”

Woosung looked angry again. “Please stop. You are acting like a child. You know better than to go out drinking alone, especially with your past. Do you want to get depressed again?”

Oh, so this is why Hajoon was called the true maknae. It wasn’t his shy and unassuming personality after all. They thought he acted like a child – the youngest. Maybe he was acting that way, he didn’t care. The lights were swirling above him and he really didn’t want to see the others anymore.

How dare Woosung bring his past into the conversation?

“Fuck you, Sammy”, Hajoon said and pushed past them, escaping to his room. He fell onto his bed, a position he had found himself in more and more often over time.

Getting up in the mornings was hard. He had had to move his alarm forward so he could forced himself out of his cozy safe haven in time. Between each schedule he found himself laying down and he was so tired at night he went to bed earlier than he had ever in his adult life. If he slept he didn’t have to think, well, if he managed to sleep at all.

His bed was safe, the place where nobody could hurt him. His bed was the only place he wasn’t judged. His bed didn’t care about his talents or personality.

But suddenly the bed wasn’t safe anymore. Footsteps – Jaehyeong – entered the room, coming to sit down next to him. Hajoon stubbornly ignored him. The maknae could fuck off too.

Then a gentle hand came to rest on Hajoon’s shoulder. “I know you are going through something, Hajoon-ah. We just want to help, please don’t run away. Just talk to us and maybe whatever is going on will end. We all aren’t happy like this.”

Hajoon just sobbed dryly.

흐려진 기억에 난 왜 또

힘들어져만 가는지?

Hajoon didn’t really remember falling asleep. He woke to unbearable nausea and before he knew it, he was throwing up all over himself. And the blanket. And, oh fuck, Jaehyeong. The younger must have fallen asleep next to him for some reason.

Now Hajoon was repaying him with puking on his lap. Shit. He couldn’t even stop himself from getting sick again and again until his stomach was empty of last night’s regrets.

And Jaehyeong was still staying next to him, having just turned both of them so Hajoon was throwing up over the side of the bed. He was even holding Hajoon’s hand. It was nice, except for the, you know, puking part.

When Hajoon looked down - after his stomach stopped turning itself out - he saw how much of a mess he had made. His head pounded.

“I’m so sorry, Jaehyeong”, he sobbed, “I’m sorry, I’ll clean up.”

“Hush”, the maknae said and loudly called for the hyungs. Hajoon flinched, the sound seemingly shaking his brain in his skull. Jaehyeong apologized.

Dojoon and Woosung were still in their sleep clothes when they arrived. While Dojoon was in old sweatpants and a T-Shirt, Woosung was just in boxers. Their states, especially with the looks of shock on their faces, would have been funny if Hajoon didn’t hate himself so much.

“Oh, kiddo”, Dojoon mumbled, still wide-eyed. But he came closer.

Woosung, always with a weak stomach, had turned pale and mumbled something about calling the manager as he fled the room.

“Leo, will you help Joon-ah get cleaned up? I’ll clean this up”, Jaehyeong said and gestured to the puddle of sick all over the bed and floor. Hajoon whimpered and subconsciously clutched the maknae’s hand tighter.

“I can clean up”, Hajoon repeated. It was disgusting but he couldn’t make the members to it for him.

“Nonsense”, Dojoon said, “you should get sorted out. Jeff, go with him.”

Was it just Hajoon’s imagination or did Dojoon sound short and angry? Well, he probably had wanted to sleep in, not clean up puke first thing in the morning.

돌이킬 수 없어 sorry

이기적인 난 I'm sorry

The bassist dragged Hajoon to the bathroom and helped him strip off his clothes, then pushed him towards the shower. “Do you need help? Are you dizzy or anything?”, Jaehyeong asked.

Hajoon shook his head. He wanted to be alone in his misery.

“Headache?”, Jaehyeong asked and Hajoon shrugged.

“I’ll leave you to shower. Call if you need help. Be careful.”

Hajoon was left alone.

I'm lonely

나만 홀로 남겨진 밤

„I told the manager you have a migraine, Joon-ah”, Woosung said, sitting on the bed by Hajoon’s hip. They had put Hajoon into Jaehyeong’s bed after the drummer had barely been able to keep standing between the headache, nausea and dizziness that might have been the result of a too hot shower. Hajoon had protested, not wanting to take Jaehyeong’s room but he had to admit that lying down in his own room reeking of vomit was not ideal.

The leader, while not good with bodily fluids, had not left Hajoon’s side since he had been returned to bed. Woosung didn’t seem angry with him, which was what confused Hajoon. Shouldn’t he be pissed that Hajoon got drunk and now they couldn’t even do their jobs because of him? It was standard migraine protocol to not leave Hajoon alone – so after lying to the manager Woosung had stayed behind with him. He had not agreed to leave like last time. Why?

Why would Woosung lie to the manager for Hajoon? Shouldn’t he use it as an example that Hajoon was unfit to be part of the group?

“Can we talk about why for fuck’s sake you got drunk so badly you are puking with a hangover? Or why you ran out of the practice room yesterday? Or anything that’s happened? Hajoon, you are not yourself anymore. Why?”, Woosung asked.

“I’m sorry, Woosung-ssi”, Hajoon whispered, ashamed, “I’ll do better from now on.”

That’s what Woosung wanted to hear, right? He could do better until his contract was ended and somebody else took his spot.

“Don’t shut yourself off, baby. Hajoon, sorry.”, Woosung replied, “We want to help you. Let us in, please.”

It sounded like Woosung was pleading, was scared. That could not be right. Hajoon must still be drunk, unable to read the older man.

“I’ve got it”, Hajoon said.

He could do it on his own. No need to make the others help him end this. He was the problem. Not them.

I'm sorry

가지마 잊지마 날

Part 6: Alive

Masterlist links: Fairy's Full Masterlist Fairy's Masterlist - The Rose  

[fairyniceyeah]

🌹💙 Take Me Down (Hajoon Series Part 4)

Part 1: Angel Part 2: Nauseous Part 3: Eclipse

Summary: Hajoon accidentally burns his hands, making himself useless as a drummer.

CW: low self-esteem, burns, intentional worsening of pain

Lonely you are 커져버린 Your scars

Hajoon nearly broke down the day they posted a new Tik-Tok. He had taken out his phone while cooking some instant noodles for himself, waiting for the water to boil. He wasn’t sure when the others were planning to eat, they hadn’t asked him and he hadn’t asked them. Hajoon had craved some unhealthy food and decided to just make himself something. Their stove was a bit old so he had some time to scroll social media while waiting for everything to be ready.

Hajoon, like the other members, had his own private account that none of the fans knew belonged to him. Since he used it sometimes to look at their old content for comfort, the timeline immediately recommended their newest video.

He was curious what the fans would say to it. Dojoon really had outdone himself with ideas and had forced them through about twenty takes until the video was perfect. Hajoon was proud of it. So he looked at the comments – he knew he shouldn’t do that and definitely not judge his worth on them – but he wanted to know. What did Black Rose have to say about him?

Turns out: Nothing.

He saw his members names plop up constantly under the video, appreciating them. Basically every comment mentioned Woosung. Many people praised Dojoon’s sense of humour and people were cooing over their cute maknae. But Hajoon? No matter how far down he scrolled he didn’t find his name mentioned once. Even the older videos he had desperately searched through? He only saw his name on the few he was alone in.

He had thought it would hurt reading bad comments about him (he had in the past) but this passive nothing? It was even worse. Instead of wondering what they might say about him he had to find out they didn’t have to say anything about him at all. It was as if he wasn’t even there, wasn’t needed.

His hand started shaking and he had to press his eyes closed to stop the tears.

Therefore, he didn’t notice the water boiling over until it had flowed to where his hands were gripping the counter hard. At first he was confused at the wetness by his fingers but it took less than a second to feel the heat. He screamed in pain, recoiling backwards and nearly falling over the chair somebody had left in the way. He stared at his hand in shock, his hands which were red and blistering. It hurt a lot. He dropped his phone to the ground.

“The fuck is going on?”, Woosung asked, skidding into the kitchen and nearly slipping in just his socks. He caught himself and stared at Hajoon for a moment, then dragged the shocked younger member to the sink, letting lukewarm water run over the burns. Dojoon and Jaehyeong seemed to have arrived as well, as voices washed over him.

“It’s okay, Joon-ah”, Jaehyeong soothed, “don’t cry.”

It only made Hajoon cry harder. Why couldn’t anything go right today? Numbly he let his members swarm him. Dojoon had stopped the water from boiling and Woosung had left to get the first-aid kit. Jaehyeong stayed by his side, leading him to sit on a chair. Then he rubbed ointment on the burns and wrapped his hands in bandages.  Hajoon never stopped crying.

“I know it hurts”, Dojoon said and knelt down to look up at him, giving him a lopsided smile. “Try to breathe through it.”

Hajoon wanted to tell them, scream at them that his hands hurting was not the reason for his tears. But what good would come of that? He tried to stop his cries but whenever he thought he could stop soon his breathing hitched and he broke down again. He knew he must look pathetic, reduced to loud, ugly sobs in their kitchen. Why were the others even still there with him?

맘에 문이 닫혀가 아이처럼

Dojoon was resting a hand on his knee, Jaehyeong was gripping Hajoon’s shoulder and Woosung was rubbing his upper arm. Why were they pretending to care?

“Hajoon-ah, kiddo”, Dojoon tried again, “you’ll make yourself sick from crying. Please just try to calm down. Deep breaths.”

Dojoon exaggerated his breathing for him, so Hajoon could breathe with him and was finally able to calm down. He felt so weak.

“There you are, baby”, Woosung said with a tiny smile. Why did he use that nickname? Hajoon glanced up at Jaehyeong. The maknae was frowning.

“Don’t call me that”, Hajoon choked out.

“What? Baby?” Woosung looked confused. “I thought you liked it, but yeah, I’ll stop calling you that if you want.” Hajoon nodded, curling into himself.

Jaehyeong, who had rubbed his back until then, rounded the chair to be able to look at Hajoon properly. He even took Hajoon’s injured hand into a careful hold, soft as a feather.

“Hajoon-ah? What is going on? Hyungs and maknae are worried”, he said gently.

“I’m fine, I’m okay, Jeff”, Hajoon whispered.

“You’re not okay”, Woosung chided him and Hajoon felt himself turn red from being caught in a lie. Why did they want to know anyway? Were they going to gossip about him again, needing new fodder? Hajoon had enough dignity left to want to prevent that.

“I saw you break your leg and not show any emotion”, the oldest added, when Hajoon stayed quiet, “a slight burn should not make you cry. Did anything else happen?”

Well, I found out you all secretly hate me and want me out of the band.

“I … I don’t wanna talk about it”, Hajoon settled on saying, “not now. Can I…? Can I have some time to come to terms with it and then talk to you?”

Maybe they would grant him time to gather himself, better himself, before finally deciding on kicking him out.

Woosung slowly nodded, like he didn’t want to accept the answer. There was barely anything private between them. They knew everything about each other. About Woosung’s struggle with an eating disorder, about Jaehyeong’s depression, about Hajoon’s past tendency to drown himself in alcohol to calm his racing mind, about Dojoon’s struggles with not feeling at home anywhere but in Korea with them while still sometimes struggling with the language.

“Okay”, Woosung said, his voice full of doubt and hurt, “we’ll be here when you are ready to talk about it.”

Hajoon was glad and he didn’t doubt Woosung’s word. They had waited long enough for him to realize how much he was disliked. A few more weeks would make no difference.

He wondered why he was so dislikable. Was it his shyness? Did he seem aloof or arrogant when he was quiet, scared of speaking? Was he not good enough for them or Black Rose? Sure, he had written their most beloved song “Sorry” but nobody even thought of him when hearing the song – just of Woosung’s and Dojoon’s amazing voices. Maybe he was just plain uninteresting and therefore people didn’t want anything to do with him. No matter what, he couldn’t stand to be in their shared kitchen any longer.

“I’m going to bed”, Hajoon said and pushed himself up, the comforting touches vanishing. He was suddenly so cold.

“Weren’t you going to eat, hyung? We wanted to make pizza together later, but we can do that now if you’re hungry”, Jaehyeong said, gesturing at the unopened pack of noodles. How cruel of them to tease him with his favourite American fast food – something they seemed to have planned to do alone and now wanted to give to him out of pity.

“No, it’s okay. You enjoy.”

He grabbed his phone from the table where Dojoon hat put it, hissing in pain, and vanished into the safety and loneliness of his room.

I just wanna say goodbye

Take me now, please, undo my chain of pain

Hajoon found out just how much he fucked up the next day during band practice. There was no way he could actually hold his drumsticks with his aching hands and the bandages. He tried but he couldn’t even close his hand to a fist.

“Dylan”, Woosung called, staring at him trying to play just one note in horror, “what are you doing?”

Hajoon dropped his drumsticks. They clattered loudly in the silence that followed Woosung’s statement. He stared up at his leader who was frowning down at him, standing in front of the drum kit.

“I’m trying to play?”, Hajoon asked, confused why Woosung was shouting.

“With your hands? Hell, no, you aren’t”, Jaehyeong said and walked over to them, draping himself over Woosung’s shoulder to also look down at Hajoon.

“But … what am I doing here then?” Hajoon was perplexed. They needed him for the drums, right? Did they need him? “I need to play.”

“You can’t like this”, Dojoon added, also staring down at where Hajoon was sitting. “We’ll just use the backtracks.”

“So I’m just supposed to be sitting here, watching?”, Hajoon asked bitterly, feeling angry. If that was the case he never would have had to leave his bed that morning.

“Don’t shout. This is stupid”, Woosung chided him, “you know you can’t play.”

You can’t play.

Hajoon was aware that his hands started trembling.

You can’t play.

He had made so many mistakes in the last weeks, of course it seemed like he couldn’t play. Woosung seemed to think so at least.

You can’t play.

“If I was just going to be sitting here, I’ll go home”, Hajoon spat, standing up and running out of the room.

The door fell shut loudly behind him but Hajoon didn’t care he looked like a child throwing a tantrum. He ran until he reached his studio, falling onto the ground behind the door. His breathing was out of control and tears were running down his face. Not knowing what else to do, Hajoon curled around his knees, hugging himself tightly.

It seemed like none of the members were following him.

Can you take me down?

I’m under cold rain again

Good. He was embarrassed beyond anything he had ever experienced before, humiliated. He had never lost his temper like this.

Yet – he felt it was a bit deserved. Why had they asked him to come?

Make him watch how they worked just as well as three? That he could be replaced by a backtrack? Maybe he should just quit. They deserved a better band mate.

Maybe they wanted him to know he was replaceable, warn him of what was coming.

But their contract said they were four. A band needed a drummer. A good drummer.

The others couldn’t force him out of the contract. Maybe they wanted him to end I himself?

Yes, that must be it. 

Maybe that was for the better. Hajoon couldn’t force the members to be happy with him and he knew he shouldn’t stay this attached to people who didn’t care about him. No matter how much he cared for them, if they didn’t care for him maybe it would hurt less in the long run. They might have a chance to get happy with a different, a better drummer who could actually do his job right. Hajoon didn’t think he would ever be happy without them but it wasn’t about him. He wanted them to be happy even if it was at his own expense.

It was time to contact their lawyer. Since their fallout with J&Star Company they had kept in contact with her, just in case. Hajoon knew if he didn’t call right now, he never would. So he did.

새겨버린 내 실수 이미 늦은 것 같아

Part 5: Sorry

Masterlist links: Fairy's Full Masterlist Fairy's Masterlist - The Rose  

[fairyniceyeah]

🌹💙 Eclipse (Hajoon Series Part 3)

Part 1: Angel Part 2: Nauseous

Summary: Why is Woosung so kind to him when hours ago he wanted to get rid of him?

CW: low self-esteem, faking sick, "migraine", mentions of "nausea"

Deep inside my broken mind

I am haunted by the things I find

It was late the next morning that Hajoon woke up. He wished it was like it happened in the books he liked to read – the protagonist waking up after a traumatic event or whatever and just having a moment of peace before they remembered.

Hajoon didn’t have the luxury. The moment he opened his eyes, his swollen and hurting eyes, he remembered.

His alarm clock – the only source of light in his pitch-black room – read nearly twelve pm. He laid there, not sure what to do. Get up and act like he hadn’t heard them, like his heart wasn’t broken? Or should he just stay lying down and avoid them? He wasn’t sure he could even look them in the eyes after last night.

Hearing his members, his friends, talk about him like that was crushing. He had assumed they were okay. He had assumed they loved him as much as he loved them. He wondered how long this secret distain had been going on.

Had it been from the start? Had they been secretly thinking he was not good enough since the beginning and just used him as a chance to debut? Or had it been later? Hajoon knew he was not the most likable person. He could be needy, had troubles speaking up for himself, had never managed to grasp the English language like Jaehyeong had.

Hajoon really couldn’t fault his members for hating him. 

A knock on his door made him freeze. Shit, he truly didn’t want to deal with them. The door opened a bit despite the silence and Hajoon closed his eyes, hoping that maybe he was in luck and whoever came in just left, thinking he was asleep. Of course he was out of luck.

Woosung – he could immediately tell from the light footsteps – flicked on the light, walked up towards him and sighed. Was he angry that Hajoon was still in bed? But they didn’t have any schedules, did they? Then a careful hand came to stroke his hair away from his forehead and the leader whispered: “Hajoon-ah, time to wake up.”

Hajoon couldn’t pretend any longer. He was normally a light sleeper and he knew Woosung would know something was up or know he was faking if he didn’t wake up. So he slowly blinked open his eyes, faking yawning which turned into real yawning.

“Good morning, baby”, Woosung greeted him with his typical smile, “there you are. How are you feeling today?” Why was he faking this concern? Hajoon didn’t understand.

“You slept like twelve hours straight, we were getting worried”, Woosung continued oblivious to Hajoon’s inner struggle, “you must be really exhausted, huh?”

Hajoon nodded, dumbfounded. He was exhausted. His stomach growled and he realized that he hadn’t eaten in close to twenty-four hours. Woosung grinned a bit at the sound.

“You’re still really sleepy. That’s okay”, Woosung added, still stroking Hajoon’s hair, “yesterday really took you out, hm? We wanted to go out and get something to eat, maybe even go up to Namsam Tower. If you’re not up to that, we can stay in too.”

What was he supposed to say? He was hungry but going through half the city and being forced to watch the trio interact sounded terrible. Forcing them to stay in was also not an option – it seemed like they really wanted to have fun together with their plans (their plans he wasn’t asked his opinion about). Maybe he could convince them to go without him.

And it creeps on me like a sunrise

And it swallows me into black skies

“Hyung, I think I’m getting a migraine”, Hajoon whispered, “I’ll stay here but you can go out.”

“Oh, I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well. That was all a bit too much information for you just now, baby? Hyung is sorry. How about we all stay in and we go out on a different day?”, the leader suggested, sounding worried.

But he got up and left. Hajoon wasn’t sure if he was happy about it or not. Then the overhead light was turned off and Woosung returned to his bedside with the glow of his phone-screen. Oh. His hyung had just flicked off the light, knowing it would bother Hajoon (if he actually had a migraine).

Hajoon felt overwhelmed. This sweet, kind hyung was not the hard leader from last night. He didn’t understand the two versions of Woosung – the one who would make sure that Hajoon was comfortable and the one who wanted to get rid of him. It didn’t make any sense!

“Better?”, Woosung asked. Hajoon whispered back a small “yes”.

“What do you need? Medication, bucket, icepack?”, the leader continued.

“I … not right now. It’s not bad yet, I just want it to not get worse. Please, I just wanna sleep. You three go out and enjoy.”

“But, baby”, Woosung protested, smoothing the blanket over Hajoon’s shoulder, “we want to go out as a group. We’d miss you. Let us stay here and take care of you today and when you’re better we’ll go.”

We’d miss you. If Hajoon hadn’t felt so miserable and confused he would have laughed. Miss him? Hajoon? On a few hours trip when they actually didn’t want him in the group anymore? The lie was as ridiculous as it was sad.

Take me to the dark

Take me to my sorrows

“I’ll just sleep, hyung”, Hajoon tried to explain, “if you all stay here, you’d have to be quiet. Have you met yourself and Leo? He can’t even be silent in sleep. Go out and enjoy, I would feel really bad for ruining your plans.”

“I… okay”, Woosung gave in. “We’ll put the medication on your bedside table and set down a bucket just in case. Let me set your phone to the lowest light setting, here we go. Promise to call us or the manager if you need help?”

“Yes, hyung”, Hajoon agreed, relieved that Woosung had seen reason. But was it so easy to force the group away? He knew it was hypocritical to think this way after all he wanted them gone: But was it so easy to leave him behind? Apparently so.

Hajoon closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of the others getting ready. At one point Jaehyeong came in and put down the medication and a glass of water as promised. A small thud had Hajoon think he probably had placed a bucket on the floor as well. Why did Jaehyeong care so much?

“Feel better, Joon-ah”, Jaehyeong whispered in his soft, comforting voice, despite believing Hajoon was asleep. Hajoon was glad for the darkness that hid his tears.

He didn’t fucking understand.

If they hated him, thought he was a bad drummer and friend … why didn’t they just fucking kick him out? What were they waiting for? Were they scared of the bad publicity? Did they want him to realise himself? But why act so nice to him then?

And the shadows

I’ll face it

Even days later Hajoon didn’t understand. It nearly drove him crazy.

His members were still just as kind and caring towards him, just like always. But he noticed now that the others started doing stuff on their own, leaving Hajoon out. Of course he was still asked to join them for group activities. Hajoon barely felt like he could face them even when at work. At least there he could pretend like they wanted or at least needed him. But spending time together in private? That sounded like a terrible idea. He didn’t know why they were asking him when they clearly couldn’t care less about him.

It was nearly a week after the concert that Hajoon woke up to an empty house after a late afternoon nap that had stretched into the evening. He wasn’t included in their plans anymore.

He didn’t know if he felt better now that they were acting according to what he had heard or if seeing the words in action was worse. They must have agreed that they didn’t need to make an effort to pretend to want him. It hurt. But it was better that way.

Take me from the dark

Take me from my sorrows

Part Four: Take Me Down

Masterlist links: Fairy's Full Masterlist Fairy's Masterlist - The Rose  

[fairyniceyeah]

🌹💙 Nauseous (Hajoon Series Part 2)

Part 1: Angel

Summary: Hajoon overhears a conversation between his members that wasn’t for his ears.

CW: low self-esteem

Background

You’re so blurry out of focus

Hajoon hadn’t even noticed he started crying until the water on his lips tasted salty. He tried to take a breath, distance himself from his thoughts, but instead he broke down sobbing. The hot water kept washing over him, like in any cliché scene in any K-drama. Only difference: This was real.

Hajoon bit on his fist in hopes to stifle the loudness of his sobs. He most certainly didn’t want any of the members banging on the door asking what was wrong. What would he even say? Sorry, I just don’t like being least liked, less liked than you? They might think him jealous, hate him for it. He couldn’t have that – he only had them.

When his tears finally stopped coming Hajoon was exhausted to the bone. He just wanted to lay down and sleep. So he quickly dressed himself in his pyjamas and walked towards his room. He hesitated. He probably should let them know he was going to sleep and not join them.

Woosung, Dojoon and Jaehyeong were laughing in the kitchen, sitting together and eating their take-out. Dojoon had curled up his legs on Hajoon’s seat as if hoping for him not to come. As soon as they saw him, their laughter vanished and Dojoon took down his feet. Six expectant eyes turned towards him and Hajoon did his best to not shrink under their mustering glances. He had interrupted their fun again.

“How are you feeling, Joon-ah?”, Jaehyeong asked, chopsticks half-way to his mouth, “do you want food? It’s no trouble.”

“No, thank you”, Hajoon said, “I just wanted to let you know I’m heading to bed.”

“Okay, feel better soon. Good night, sleep well”, Woosung replied, the others echoing the sentiment.

Cinnamon and sugar on your tongue

Yeah all of it is useless

No matter how drained Hajoon felt, he couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned but whenever he fell asleep he jerked awake soon after. It was around two in the morning when he gave up. He went to use the bathroom, then walked to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. Just as he reached for the cupboard he heard the voices of his members from the living room.

For a moment Hajoon was confused, it was the middle of the night after all. Then he remembered. They had a few free days starting tomorrow – today – and the others were probably celebrating their concert still.

He glanced into the room, trying to not be seen. Jaehyeong was sitting at one end of the couch, Woosung lying across it with his head on the maknae’s lap. Dojoon was sitting on the floor by Woosung’s feet, refilling their glassed of Soju. Yeah, they were celebrating without him.

“Hajoon”, Woosung said and the drummer started shaking. He didn’t want to be seen or interact. But he needn’t have worried. Woosung hadn’t noticed him at all.

“Did you notice something off about him today too?”, Woosung continued talking to the other members, “he made so many mistakes during the later half of the show and he seemed wrong afterwards.”

Hajoon pressed himself against the wall. He didn’t want to listen to them, spy on them but he couldn’t move. Why were they talking about him? Scratch that, he knew why. But … they never talked about members behind their back. Or was it just Hajoon they talked about secretly?

It was Dojoon’s voice that replied: “Yeah, I saw it too. He was acting weird. I didn’t like it at all. I dunno what made him spacey, it isn’t like him to make mistakes like that. I’m just glad Black Roses didn’t seem to notice.”

Ouch. On one hand he was glad. On the other it felt like they wanted to bury their shame aka Hajoon. But it was Jaehyeong’s words that made his stomach turn.

“I think a few noticed. I hope they don’t think he is dragging us down or something because of the mistakes tonight. It was basic notes that he fucked up.”

Spreading rumors talking ‘bout my life

I bet you feel fucking special

He couldn’t listen afterwards, his ears rushing with blood. His members, his friends, his brothers were really talking shit about him when he wasn’t there. It didn’t want to make sense in his minds. Were these really the same people who had been so worried and caring towards him earlier? Maybe they had just pretended to care. He tried to continue listening. Maybe it was all a big misunderstanding.

“Whatever it is, it can’t keep going on like this…”, Woosung said but getting so quiet towards the end that Hajoon didn’t catch what he said. It was enough.

Were they planning on getting rid of him? Would they really be so cruel to just throw him out of the group for a few mistakes? Or would they sit him down to talk and pretend to be kind and nice and everything and suggest he take some personal time to get better at his job?

It didn’t make sense. This distain couldn’t have started today but he couldn’t remember any instance where any of the members had been unkind to him. Like every week Woosung had taken him on a coffee date, having created a special ritual with every member. Jaehyeong had helped Hajoon with cooking and Dojoon had spent fifteen minutes helping him find his phone. They wouldn’t do that when they hated him, would they?

Yet, Hajoon didn’t think he would survive listening any longer. The members had made it clear he wasn’t welcome. His chest ached so badly he feared he might be having a heart attack. He might as well, it would probably hurt less than this heartbreak.

He stumbled back to his room, painfully colliding with the doorframe on the way in. His shoulder would probably bruise but he didn’t feel it. Once close enough, Hajoon fell forward onto his bed, burying his face in his pillow. He didn’t have any tears left inside him after earlier and since he didn’t even manage to replenish fluids just then, his head started to ache more.

He just trembled, the words flashing in his mind.

He was acting weird. I didn’t like it at all.

I hope they don’t think he is dragging us down or something because of the mistakes tonight. It was basic notes that he fucked up.

Whatever it is, it can’t keep going on like this…

It took some time until he felt present again, felt the ache in the back of his throat from dry crying and the pounding in his head. Hajoon rolled onto his back and stared into the darkness of his room.

Just the look and the sound of you

making me nauseous

It made him feel sick thinking about it, but he could understand why the members hated him.

Dojoon had been friends with Jaehyeong first when they met during busking. Later Hajoon had met Jaehyeong and they went busking together, to be joined by Dojoon again. At that point Hajoon had felt like Dojoon hadn’t really warmed up to him – probably feeling like Hajoon had stolen his friend. Three people was an odd number and Jaehyeong had often had to chose between them. Who he wanted to walk next to on narrow pavements, who to sit next to when eating and so forth.

Then Dojoon dragged Woosung with him, a friend of a friend. Despite Hajoon’s worries they had hit it off immediately. Well, Woosung and Jaehyeong had. At first Hajoon had barely spoken with their oldest, he was Dojoon’s and Jaehyeong’s friend after all. Then when Woosung and Jaehyeong started becoming their own team, Dojoon was stuck with boring Hajoon. No wonder he wasn’t happy about him, his presence. It must have sucked to be stuck to awkward Hajoon when he could have Woosung and Jaehyeong. He would have resented himself in that situation too.

For Woosung, he was the most extroverted person Hajoon knew. Sure, he had his quiet moments, but most of the time he was the loudest of them all. Actually, they were all loud – except Hajoon. Maybe he had been lost in the group’s progress, forgotten. Sometimes it felt hard for him to connect to his outgoing members, it was likely they felt the same way towards him. Woosung was so self-confident, so shining – he surely judged Hajoon for being so quiet, not understand how shyness worked. He didn’t think Woosung had ever had troubles speaking in front of a group, hated having the spotlight. Hajoon must feel as far away as Woosung’s open attitude felt to him. Maybe Woosung thought he was weak or pathetic, hiding behind his members.

Jaehyeong? He wasn’t actually sure what would make the maknae dislike him. Maybe he was just dragged along by the hyungs? But no, then he wouldn’t have said the stuff he had said. Perhaps he was jealous? Yes, that must be it. The members, and even the managers and the staff, joked often enough that Hajoon was the true maknae. After all he was shy, quiet, hiding behind his members. Jaehyeong was even called the mom of the group, he was the one cooking and caretaking. But if he felt like Hajoon was taking his title of maknae? No surprise if he hated him.

But they were all friends, brothers, right? Well, so had Hajoon thought. It seemed like he was wrong.

Tried to bring me down but I’m alive

Thank you for the recognition

Part 3: Eclipse

Masterlist links: Fairy's Full Masterlist Fairy's Masterlist - The Rose  

[fairyniceyeah]

🌹💙 Angel (Hajoon Series Part 1)

Note: This is a bit different than what I have done before but I hope you enjoy! Remember, this is fiction and not meant to represent any of the real idols!

Summary: During a concert Hajoon suddenly starts feeling lonely and separated from his members.

CW: low self-esteem

I can picture heaven now

When I’m with you

Hajoon truly believed their lyrics „two is better than one”. He had felt better busking together with Jaehyeong than alone all those years ago. It felt nice to go to the gym with Woosung instead of alone. He enjoyed songwriting sessions with Dojoon, they were better together than on their own.

Just. Recently he felt like “three is better than four” would also fit the group. It wasn’t that he disliked any of his members, au contraire he loved them all very much and he was grateful for them everyday.

He didn’t even know how it had started, if he was honest. Well, it was the middle of the concert when he first noticed it. His drum kit was shoved to the back so much he wasn’t even sure the Black Roses in the front row could actually see him due to the height of the stage. Still, he watched how Woosung and Dojoon were dancing and hyping up the fans. Even Jaehyeong was walking up and down the stage with his bass, smiling at Black Roses.

Out of a sudden Hajoon felt alone, hidden behind his drums. When they first started performing as a band he had loved how they could cover him, shield him from curious and judging glances. Now they were moderately successful – Woosung, Dojoon and Jaehyeong not holding themselves back anymore and just vibing – but Hajoon was stuck. Even if he wanted to he couldn’t just get up and interact with their fans. He couldn’t join his brothers while they enjoyed themselves. Unbidden tears welt up in his eyes and he blinked hastily to clear his sight. Then he made a mistake.

It wasn’t very noticeable, just a bit off. He was sure some of the fans wouldn’t even have realized but for Woosung who started laughing and turned to look at him, winking. Hajoon knew his mindset was wrong, something had gone wrong, but sudden anger flared at the leader. Rationally he knew Woosung didn’t mean harm – he was all about showing how real they were, that the made mistakes, and also glad he wasn’t the only member making mistakes (though he was the one who fucked up often enough, forgetting lyrics or his voice cracking). None of them had ever been angry with Woosung about that, never about showing their real side. They had their fun teasing each other about stuff like that. They were all happy to show they made mistakes and weren’t infallible.

So Hajoon just bit his lip and focused on the music. The rest of the concert was a blur. He barely remembered throwing roses to the fans or packing up. It seemed like he had blinked and they were on their van back to their house.

Hajoon sat alone on the passenger seat, next to their manager who was driving them, the other members intruding each others spaces in the back. Hajoon felt strangely alienated from them, the three of them talking excitedly about the show and the reactions of Black Roses to them standing close to them. It wasn’t a conversation he could join even if he wanted to, again separated from his members. So, since he didn’t feel like talking to the manager, he just stared out front into the dark night.

Just an angel with a broken smile

On the ground

He had never been more glad for having a concert in Seoul. They would soon be home where he could hide in his own room. While normally he loved travelling, he just wanted to sleep and forget about the whole day. Of course his members had other plans.

“Hajoon, what do you want to eat? We’re getting take-out”, Jaehyeong said, leaning to the front to get closer to him.

“Uh, I’m not really hungry”, Hajoon said, not even lying. Somehow despite having not eaten since a few hours before the concert his stomach didn’t complain of hunger at all. Shower and bed was all he needed.

“Are you okay?”, Woosung asked suddenly and leaned forward too, “you seem a bit … I dunno? Spacey? You can’t tell me you aren’t hungry after performing for two hours. Besides, I noticed you made a few mistakes today.”

Hajoon took a deep breath and kept staring straight forward. He had kept making mistakes but Woosung hadn’t called him out after the first time – he wasn’t sure if he was just sick of the drummer making mistakes or worried for their reputation when people realized he wasn’t as good at drums as people thought.

Where had that thought come from?

Hajoon knew he was good, he had always been good at rhythms and keeping a beat. He had won three youth competitions years ago. He was good, he was a good drummer. Why had an off-day doubting his place in the band?

“Hajoon-ah?”, Woosung asked. Shit, he had been quiet for too long.

“Sorry, hyung”, Hajoon mumbled, “I just feel slightly carsick and have a bit of a headache.”

The manager tuned into the conversation: “Do I need to pull over?”

“No. I just wanna go home.”

“Think you are getting a migraine?”, Dojoon questioned worriedly. Hajoon just shrugged. He did have a headache but he doubted it would turn bad. He couldn’t fault Dojoon for the suspicion though. Concerts with flashing lights as well as driving did seem to trigger his migraines sometimes. And Hajoon always got easily nauseous even from normal headaches, so carsickness could be a result of that too.

“How about you take a shower when we’re home and I will make you a pack of ramen without flavouring. You can eat as much as you are up to and then go to bed”, Jaehyeong suggested.

“Thank you”, Hajoon whispered. The car turned quiet after that, the other members apparently not into conversation anymore or worried they would make his headache worse. Hajoon felt guilty. He hadn’t wanted to drag them down into his weird mood.

Together we’re one

Two’s better than one

It was around midnight when they arrived home, nearly at the same time with the delivery service that the others apparently had ordered. Hajoon was ushered inside by Dojoon who had wrapped an arm around his waist.

“Go shower, Joon-ah”, Jaehyeong said kindly, taking his jacket from him, “I will have the ramen ready for you. Do you need anything else?”

Hajoon shook his head, staring at his feet. He was embarrassed to make such a fuss when nothing really was wrong with him. But with his kind and worried members it seemed like it was the hill he would die on tonight.

“I’m not even hungry”, he said, desperate to not inconvenience Jaehyeong. The maknae had after all just performed and apparently was too exhausted to cook for them all but still wanted to help Hajoon. While it should make Hajoon feel loved and cared for he just felt numb and cold. When Jaehyeong didn’t look convinced, he added: “You don’t have to make me something.”

“How about this: If you find you are hungry after your shower you tell me and I will make you something, okay? If you want to go straight to bed after, do that. Whatever helps you feel better”, Jaehyeong replied. Hajoon felt like he might start to cry receiving so much kindness.

Knowing he couldn’t speak without revealing how close to tears he was, he just walked to the free bathroom. Dojoon was apparently already in the hyung’s bathroom upstairs as he saw Woosung on the couch on his phone as Hajoon passed by. Woosung didn’t look up.

Cynical daze

Forever you could be amazed

Standing under the hot shower barely helped. Hajoon wondered what had gotten into him today. He normally didn’t feel like this, so separate from his members. It had been Woosung, Dojoon, Hajoon and Jaehyeong for years. But now it felt more like Woosung, Dojoon and Jaehyeong and, oh yeah, right, and Hajoon. The drummer had no illusions about their very different levels of popularity with the fandom.

Woosung was well liked by everybody he met, a combination of his wits, charms and gorgeous features. Besides, he was the leader, he was the one who spoke with their international fans being the most fluent in English, and getting noticed more like that.

Dojoon was just a loveable goofball, the reason for most of their fun and often the mastermind behind their Tik-Toks. He was just effortlessly funny and he had an incredible stage presence.

Jaehyeong was their lovely and amazing maknae, with his cute smile and caretakers qualities. He was so outgoing, loved to interact with fans and who would dislike a maknae anyways?

But where did that leave Hajoon? Shy, sometimes a bit clueless, quiet, self-conscious Hajoon? The fourth members hidden behind his instrument, the one who couldn’t interact with Black Roses? The member who often was lost with their English conversations and opted to stand back and watch whenever something happened.

He couldn’t fault Black Roses for liking him least. He was just Hajoon at the back. There was no jealously in his mind, just sadness. If anybody had to be least liked it made sense it was him, he wouldn’t have it any other way. How would he feel knowing he was more popular than the amazing people he worked with? He understood why it didn’t bother the others this way. They were better than him. How would Hajoon even deal with popularity? He hated the spotlight. Yes, it was best like this.

There’s no escape

We’ll be in the rain

Part Two: Nauseous

Masterlist links: Fairy's Full Masterlist Fairy's Masterlist - The Rose  

[fairyniceyeah]

🌹💙 Sour (Hajoon Series Part 7)

Part 1: Angel Part 2: Nauseous Part 3: Eclipse Part 4: Take Me Down Part 5: Sorry Part 6: Alive

Summary: It’s time to say what he needs to say.

CW: low self-esteem

Thought I was sweet

But then you spit me out

Hajoon decided to say goodbye to Woosung, his hyung and leader, first. He really thought that Woosung cared about him as a human being. Just not so much about Hajoon, the drummer.

“Woosung-ssi, I’m going on a walk. Would you like to join me?”, he asked casually one afternoon after band practice. Hajoon hoped it wasn’t suspicious. He had thought about inviting Woosung to go with him to the gym but there it was hard to talk. He wanted this to be perfect.

Woosung looked surprised, but agreed enthusiastically. “Yes, I would like that.”

Five minutes later they were walking through the streets, enjoying the crisp, fresh air. It wasn’t as cold anymore, summer soon would come and take everything from Hajoon.

“Can I buy you a hot chocolate?”, Hajoon asked as they walked past one of their often frequented cafés. Even despite the warmer temperature, a hot drink wouldn’t hurt. Besides, they knew that the staff was very considerate of them, giving them space and discouraging anybody from approaching them. Additionally, they took food safety to a whole different level so it was the only café around where Woosung actually dared drink milk-based drinks – they always took great care to free the machine from any remnants of lactose.

“I was about to ask the same thing”, Woosung said, “let hyung dote on you a bit.”

“Oh, you don’t have to pay”, Hajoon replied, pushing the door open, “I want to.”

He didn’t give the leader a chance to protest. Instead Woosung choose to sit down at one of the tables hidden in the back. Just as well. If Woosung wanted to sit, they could sit. Hajoon had wanted some sort of activity, even if it was just walking, to let out his nervous energy but sitting down would be okay too.

He ordered two versions of the special hot chocolates, one with marshmallows and one with spices, both lactose-free so they could share. Then he carried them over, placing them on the table and sitting down.

Before he could loose his courage Hajoon started to speak: “I wanted to thank you for being such an amazing leader. I am so happy that we have you and I know I can trust you with anything. You make me a better person and inspire me each day.”

He had rehearsed the words in his mind again and again, but faced with the real Woosung now he didn’t know how to say more without crying. He really was so thankful towards their – the – oldest. Said man had a weird expression on his face after Hajoon stopped talking – a mix of confusion and sadness. Had Hajoon said something wrong?

Woosung completely ignored the hot drinks placed in front of him, running his hand through his hair like he did when nervous. Curious.

“Hajoon-ah”, Woosung whispered, voice raw, “you don’t have to thank me for anything. I always want the best for you all and I want to be there to help you and guide you. We’re a team and you’re my friend. Why are you talking like you are saying goodbye?”

Oh. So Woosung, perceptive as he was, had picked up on that. But Hajoon didn’t want to have the “I’m leaving” conversation three times. He would tell them all together once he had the documents.

“What are you talking about? Can’t I just express how thankful I am for my leader?”, Hajoon deflected. His mind was stuck on the lie Woosung had so casually said. We’re a team and you’re my friend. Why did he have to lie now?

Woosung smiled up at him shyly, blushing. Then he ducked his head down.

“I guess you can. I’m still worried about you though. You seem to be struggling into which direction you want to go on lately.” I know I need to go, hyung.

“Can we not talk about that?”, Hajoon requested, desperate for one last normal moment with him.

Woosung nodded and took a sip of the hot chocolate with marshmallows.

I know it hurts but it’s the truth

My heart’s so sour without you

Hajoon joined Dojoon in his room the next day.

“Can I come in?”, he asked, knocking onto the slightly open door and tried not to drop his notebook containing all his lyric and music ideas. His hands were shaking a bit.

“Of course”, Dojoon replied and turned to look at Hajoon as he entered. The older man was lying on his stomach on his bed, a book in his hand. He patted the space beside him and Hajoon laid down next to him. They had spent long nights like that, sleepless and worried for their future, talking or in silence together. Hajoon had missed it and he subconsciously pressed himself into his hyung’s side.

“What can I do for you, Joon-ah?”, Dojoon asked and put the book away to completely focus on the younger. Hajoon blushed at the attention but was glad Dojoon opened the conversation, he wasn’t sure how to start himself.

“Actually, I have some song ideas I wanted to look over with you”, he said, “I missed working together. I really do. You are an amazing hyung and working together with you is the blessing of a lifetime.”

“I do miss working with you too, kiddo”, Dojoon said, raising his eyebrow. “But stop the praise. I’m starting to suspect you want something from me.”

“Oh, uh”, Hajoon stuttered, “I … I guess I really want the lyrics included in the next album, if that is possible.”

“Let’s bring it on.”

Nervously Hajoon handed his notebook over.

잊고 살지마네 머리속에 있던 꿈들더 때묻지마세상이 너를 더럽혀도빼앗기지마 그맑고 순수했던 동심을

Dojoon looked up once he finished reading and nodded. “I like it”, he said with a bright smile, “I love it, actually. Oh, I already have so many ideas what to do with this, angel.”

“You can use them, Dojoon-ssi”, Hajoon said quickly, “I’m kinda stumped on how to go on.” Maybe these lyrics could be his last hymn as a Rose.

“We can work on them together”, Dojoon replied and slung an arm over Hajoon’s shoulder. “You really are so good at lyrics, I’m envious.”

“No need for good lyrics if nobody sings them”, Hajoon whispered.

“You could, you know. If you wanted to sing more, we can arrange that.”

“No, I don’t think I actually want that.” I don’t think you actually want that.

My heart’s so sour without you

My heart’s so sour without you

Saying goodbye to Jaehyeong was the hardest. The maknae beamed at him the moment Hajoon asked to help him cook that evening. Hajoon didn’t have any siblings so it felt extra special to have had this younger brother by his side.

It had been too long since they had last stood together in the kitchen, laughing and talking, singing to the songs playing on the radio. Once nearly done, Jaehyeong draped himself over Hajoon’s shoulder to watch him work on the tteokbokki. Hajoon automatically lifted one of the finished rice cakes with his chopsticks, feeding them to the younger.

Jaehyeong moaned in an exaggerated manner, humming appreciatively.

“Hyung, if you ever need a career change, you should be a cook”, the maknae said, not noticing how Hajoon flinched. Great, getting tips for alternate careers from his mak… – no this was supposed to be a happy moment. Hajoon pushed the thoughts away.

“I don’t think so”, he said with a laugh. “I think I would like to teach. Especially music.”

“You would be good at that too.” Hajoon was relieved the maknae thought so. Maybe he wouldn’t fail them again then.

“I hope so.”

Hajoon put the next batch of tteokbokki in the pot – cooking for four people was a lot of work. They were silent for a moment before Hajoon decided to speak again. “I’m sorry I haven’t been the best hyung lately, maknae. You are amazing and you deserve the world. You …”

He was interrupted by Jaehyeong: “Oh, hyung, careful! They are staring to turn brown!”

“Shit!”

Once they had saved their dinner, Jaehyeong looked at Hajoon with a serious expression. “You haven’t been a bad hyung at all. You know you can always talk to me, Joon-ah, right? No matter what.”

“Of course, maknae.”

When the teardrops touch my mouth

I taste the bitterness like you

Part 8: Time

Masterlist links: Fairy's Full Masterlist Fairy's Masterlist - The Rose  

[fairyniceyeah]

🌹💙 Alive (Hajoon Series Part 6)

Part 1: Angel Part 2: Nauseous Part 3: Eclipse Part 4: Take Me Down Part 5: Sorry

Summary: Was there truly a use for the Blue Rose?

CW: low self-esteem, loneliness

Sometimes

I kinda feel like I’m broken

Sometimes Hajoon wondered why he was assigned the Blue Rose.

Everything else made sense.

Woosung – the White Rose. Purity. Woosung had bite, used cuss words on the regular and was by now means innocent. But he was pure with never-ending faith in people and the strong belief that everything would be okay.

Dojoon – The Red Rose. Passion and Enthusiasm. If these words fit anybody it was their multitalented second oldest. His love for music and his happy attitude which bordered on silly were special. He was the core of their music and friendship.

Jaehyeong – The Pink Rose. Happiness and Romance. The maknae overflowed with love for everybody and everything and he was so steadfast like nothing could blow him over. His smile and his personality charmed themselves into everybody’s hearts.

But Hajoon – The Blue Rose. Miracle. Hajoon didn’t feel like a miracle – anything but. He wondered why he got the only rose colour that didn’t even exist in nature. He had researched it years ago and found they were made by feeding the roses water tinged with ink so they would turn the blue colour. Was it a sign that Hajoon should change himself too? Should be different? Or maybe he shouldn’t exist as a Rose at all?

Lost my colour

Or maybe somebody stole it

The lawyer had advised he searched for a new career or at least thought about what he wanted to do after he left. If he was honest, Hajoon couldn’t fathom doing anything but music. But what choice did he have? Why should he get a new music career after this one had failed so thoroughly?

He didn’t think he ever wanted to be on a stage without his members.

He supposed he could go back to college. There surely were things he could study, something that wouldn’t remind him of nights filled with smoke and music and stage lights. His friends.

Idols went back to college all the time. At least he wouldn’t have to worry about being recognized for being Hajoon, for being the failure he was. And even if, nobody would care to see former The Rose member Lee Hajoon.

Just yesterday at a fan meet lots of Black Roses had descended upon Woosung, Dojoon and Jaehyeong. People had passed him without a glance. He hadn’t felt like forcing himself on the fans, the fans of the other three. He was sort of glad of being ignored.

The few fans that had come up to him had seemed like they were just going for the full collection. At least they still saw him as a member. Least liked and easily forgotten, but he would take what he got.

The more he thought about it, the more he decided a career as a teacher sounded not half bad. He was patient, he liked helping people and he loved kids. Maybe he could even teach music.

When he browsed the university’s website he found that the application deadline was the next day. Not thinking he had anything to loose, he applied.

Lately my whole world feels like it’s shakin’

Everything is faded, changin’

“Dojoon-ssi?”, Hajoon asked cautiously. They were the only two at home. Woosung and Jaehyeong had gone out shopping. It was the best chance he got to ask without an audience. He didn’t think he could do it in front of the whole group, face this embarrassment with three pairs of eyes staring at him.

“Yeah?”, Dojoon asked, looking up from his laptop he had balanced on his legs, feet resting on the TV table. Hajoon hoped he wasn’t disturbing the older, he looked comfy on the couch. “What can I do for you? Anything you want to talk about, angel?”

“Oh, uhm, I was wondering where our contracts are. I looked in Sammy’s safe but they aren’t there”, Hajoon said quickly.

Dojoon frowned and put the laptop onto the table. Then he turned his focus back onto the drummer.

“Why do you need to know? You aren’t thinking of leaving are you?”, Dojoon asked, teasingly.

It hurt like hell that the issue seemed to be a joke to the older man. Out of spite, Hajoon decided to lie. Two could play the game.

“Oh, no, don’t worry. It’s just the son of a family friend is thinking of starting a K-Pop career and my eomma asked me if I could help. They hope with our contracts, since they are pretty good, they will know what to look out for. I want to give them some reference points so they don’t get hurt or something, so uh, you know…”, Hajoon lied. It was scary how easy it had become to not tell the truth.

“I’m relieved, I was scared for a second”, Dojoon replied, “no, I have the contracts in my room. Sammy would manage to lose them within an hour in his chaos.”

“Fair enough”, Hajoon agreed. The oldest member could be messy. While they kept the main area of the house clean for Tik-Toks or other videos, Woosung’s room often looked like a bomb had exploded. The man had to have some bad qualities after all.

“I’ll get yours for you, hold on.”

Dojoon jogged out of the room and up the stairs to his room. Hajoon sank down onto the vacant seat and put his head in his hands.

Turnin’ off the lights,

And now I’m followin’ the lines

So he was really doing it. He was quitting The Rose. What use was there living a lie? He hadn’t felt like a member in a long time.

His mind was drawn back to the last concerts. Watching Woosung, Dojoon and Jaehyeong have fun while he just played dutifully. He didn’t know when his passion had left.

Soundcheck had been bad too. The fans were nice, respectful, asking questions. Hajoon had planned to answer more questions, interact more with fans. Maybe then they would like him more. Just … it didn’t work. Hajoon tried to stand next to his members, tried to be part of the four member line-up. Yet, no matter where he had gone, it had seemed like there was no space for him. He had tried to stand next to Jaehyeong at the side but as soon as he had found the guts to walk up to him, the members switched their positions while talking, effectively pushing Hajoon aside. Or later, he had just stood next to Woosung when they walked to answer a different question, leaving him behind as he at first didn’t notice. Or when they had stood so far to the side that he was separated from his members by a music box of all things.

He had given up after that, choosing just to stand second row. The others hadn’t noticed or hadn’t cared.

Surrounded by his co-workers and in front of hundreds of people but Hajoon had never felt so alone.

Hajoon hadn’t even intended to look at Dojoon’s laptop but he was drawn to the page the older had left open. It was a familiar forum for drummers. Why was Dojoon on that page? Hajoon used it to get information on new kits, on new drumsticks or to just look what other drummers were doing. Dojoon had left some tabs open and despite not wanting to go snooping, Hajoon was curious.

He listened for a moment but when he heard no footsteps he clicked on the next tab. It was a chat … with one of the users of the drummer website?

Hajoon felt sick. He couldn’t stomach reading the messages, see for himself what Dojoon had written. What he was asking.

They were actually looking into recruiting a new drummer then. There was no other logical explanation. Why else would Dojoon be on that website but look for his replacement?

With shaking hands he returned to the original tab and pointedly looked away from the screen until Dojoon returned. His mind was empty and his heart numb.

Dojoon appeared a few minutes later and handed him an envelope. Hajoon thanked him and tried to not appear suspicious.

“You didn’t look at my laptop, did you?”, Dojoon asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, Dojoon-ssi”, Hajoon replied, hoping Dojoon would buy the lie. He didn’t want the older to get angry at him for not respecting his privacy. Surely it would be awkward for Dojoon to be caught in the act.

“Good, you shouldn’t snoop at this time.”

Yeah, he had figured that out the hard way.

Hajoon nodded and – not able to stay any longer - rushed to his room to set up an appointment with the lawyer. They had so much to discuss and so little time.

His time was running out.

Walking through the smoke

and not even chokin’

It felt freeing, somehow, knowing it was going to end. That he wouldn’t burden the members any longer with his presence. Knowing that they would be free of him. Maybe they could even keep up a relationship afterwards when everything blew over. Maybe they could stay friends when he didn’t force himself on them as a member. Maybe they would have a new drummer, a better one, but they would sometime fondly remember Hajoon who had been a founding member.

It would take a few days until the lawyer had drafted up his contract elimination.

Hajoon decided it was time to say goodbye to the members, not in a direct way but he wanted to say thank you for the time they had had together. Not everything had been bad after all, there were so many good times he would miss.

Talking all night until all of them fell asleep. Hugging each other in happiness. Drying each others tears, knowing the others would be safe with them. Karaoke all day. Cooking together. Going to amusement parks. The concerts and fan meets.

Just the four of them.

Don’t know where I am goin’

I’m not even scared

Part 7: Sour

Masterlist links: Fairy's Full Masterlist Fairy's Masterlist - The Rose  

[fairyniceyeah]

10 writing tips 

for new and old writers from somebody who has been writing since she could hold a pen and needs these reminders herself sometimes

(they will have sickfic and K-Pop examples but generally can work for anybody)

Some days will suck! You may have writer’s block or you may not be able to concentrate or for some other reason things don’t work out. Happens to the best of us. Honestly. And it’s okay. One sentence is more than no sentence. And no sentences are okay too. There is no pressure to perform here, the community is happy to wait for you!

2. Stuck with a scene? Go take a walk. Do sports. Sing karaoke to your favorite songs. Dance. Whatever takes your mind of the matter. Inspiration strikes at odd times and maybe you will find yourself back writing in no time. Still stuck? Do you know where you want to end up with the story? Write a flow chart of possible events and then SKIP the beginning/middle/whatever part you are struggling with. You can puzzle it back together later and when you have the ending the scene you hate can be turned into a nice transition to where you actually want to go.

3. Music! Believe me, the music you listen to will influence your mood and the story you write. Personally, I’ll end up with a totally different writing style depending on the kind of music I listen to. That’s why my The Rose fics end up more heavy and dark than other fics. She’s in the Rain and See-Saw have a totally different vibe than ARRIBA or, I don’t know, God of Light Music. It will reflect in the story.

4. Details! Add details. All of them. Tiny things that your character does or thinks about. What they see and hear. Tell us! Don’t be afraid to overindulge us. Paint the scene. Is there a couch? Is it red? Are the blankets comfy or scratchy? There is a totally different feeling to the story depending on what you add. 

Example: 

Jongho hated the long drive, stuck between Yunho and Mingi. 

OR: 

Jongho was stuck in the backseat of the car, much to his annoyance. Yunho and Mingi, tall as they were, both had their freakishly long legs in his footwell which left less space for him. He didn’t blame them but it didn’t help his mood in the slightest. And while he was slowly getting used to regularly indulging in human touch, he didn’t enjoy how their warm upper bodies intruded on him, especially since they all were sweaty from dance practice. And, holy hell, he loved them but they were loud. The maknae just wanted some peace and quiet, listen to some music and get ready to sleep once home. But he had another twenty minutes left where he had to deal with their fake arguing crashing over his head and trying not to elbow them into the side. 

5. Unnecessary details! Also add them! You don’t always have to stay strictly to the red line or go from A to Z. Explore T and E as well (sorry, that joke had to be included). They can talk about other stuff than what the story is about. Add jokes, add other dialogue, add things that might not make the story linear.

If you take my Wooyoung sickfic e.g., the first part is just bickering between MATZ and has nothing to do with the story. But it’s still nice to have and I enjoyed writing it. 

6. Consider the theme of the story. A story of a hungover character can’t be written in the same light-hearted style as a mental health issue story. Take the characters into the setting. In my Hajoon centric series I mostly write very detailed and explain a lot but also there is so much emotion. That wouldn't work for a chase scene or a stupid injury story. These can be and should be fast paced! So think of the emotions you want the reader to feel!

7. Characters! Your story will be different depending on the character you write about. Who are they? 

Are they serious? Write more seriously!  Are they funny and happy-go-lucky? Then the story should be more lighthearted. 

This also goes for the next point, but different characters note different things. 

Are they tall? They will see more than short characters and you can reflect that in writing. But also do they have habits you can include? Disabilities? Fears? 

Minho won’t be the one consoling Felix on top of a tower because he will be scared of the heights.  Wonwoo might not be the person to see everything because of his bad vision and Seungcheol might not be able to sprint 200 meters to help somebody with his knee injury.  Yunho might not be able to see the expression on San’s face when San looks down, but Hongjoong might, since he still looks up to San height-wise.  Hajoon likely won’t be the one to talk to strangers to ask for something, so have Dojoon do the talking.

8. Whose perspective are you writing from? Look at the point above but also consider what they actually can know. 

Woosung won’t be able to tell that Jaehyeong’s pain is getting worse if he isn’t showing obvious signs. 

Here goes the details advice again: Use them to your advantage. 

Yunho can’t know that Seonghwa is feeling dizzy … unless he starts to sway on his feet, holds onto something or says anything about it. So write about that. 

Or if we look at a character getting sick:

If Seungmin is throwing up he can tell the reader that the taste in his mouth is bad and that his throat burns. Hyunjin might see the color or the tears on his face or hear the sounds while Seungmin is oblivious. 

9. Everything seems repetitive and the same? Your words don’t flow?

Honestly, a thesaurus is your best friend. Have one on hand when writing, just google it. Or even better, if possible for you, use a voice activated one: Alexa, give me a synonym for “x”! I get help without even having to turn away from the document. 

If you’re not sure if the synonym still fits into the sentence, put the whole sentence into google translate and translate it to your native language or from English to something else and back to english. If a whole new word comes out or the sentence doesn’t make sense it probably doesn’t work. Or, honestly, ask: There are so many people on here who will help you without a second thought. We all root for you!

Speaking of non-natives (hello 👋🏽): A dictionary on standby also helps. It gives different words and sometimes you just won’t remember or don’t know a word in your goal language. Happens. Again, Alexa works most of the time and gives you different options!

10. Lastly and most important: Hate what you wrote? Stop! You’re doing great. Maybe it won’t fit the story this time but maybe a different story of a different part? Don’t delete it. Move it to the bottom of the document or maybe a whole new document. But don’t delete your precious words.

Ignore the tiny voice in your head that tells you that everything you do sucks and it doesn’t matter what you write. People won’t die if a story is less than 100%. Don’t compare yourself to others! Even if we were given exactly the same detailed prompt we will end up with two totally different stories. And my normal is not your normal. Somebody's writing style may be different than yours but that doesn’t mean yours is bad. Take it one day at a time and remember to love yourself and do what makes you happy!