#had to shit the bed for the 37th time

[joeyisourranger]

“this should be a good one” be real mose

[midwestmade29]

Wildcard🃏

Hangman's vignette on Collision was very inspiring 😂 Thus this story was born. I miss him and have my fingers crossed so tightly that he really is the wildcard for Dynamite this Wednesday 🤞🏻

Word count: 2.2k Divider by: @saradika-graphics *GIF is not mine. All credit goes to original creator.

Disclaimers: Cursing, unprotected sex. Read at your own discretion.

Written from Hangman's POV 🙂

Hangman's nerves are getting the best of him so he calls on you to help calm them...

It was the night before I would be making my return to AEW as the wildcard. These last few months have been difficult, mostly because I’ve had to learn to live without her.

I knew she would be in Chicago. I knew that despite all the hell I’ve put her through, she wouldn’t miss this big moment. My mind is racing, my anxiety is through the roof of this hotel. I’m pretty sure if I don’t stop pacing, I’m going to be greeting the guests below me soon after my feet burn a hole in this floor.

The whiskey wasn’t helping. Shit, I’ve used that one too many times as a way to numb anything and everything, I’m practically immune to it now. There was only one thing that would calm me down at this point. Only one person who quiets my thoughts and makes me feel whole. I had to see her.

I pulled out my phone and sent Y/N a text, hoping and praying that my gut was right, and she was in fact in Chicago.

•••

I need to see you. Are you here?

To anyone else, the message might be slightly vague, but I knew that she would understand. I sat the phone on the desk and pulled up the rolling chair, just staring at the screen. For 10 minutes, the damn thing only said “delivered.” She hadn’t read the message yet.

I sighed and walked towards the bathroom when my phone dinged and stopped me in my tracks. I damn near tripped over my boots on my way back to the desk in my hurry. My heart was hammering against my chest when I unlocked the screen and went to my texts.

•••

Yes. Marriott next to the arena. Room 3412.

I let out a shaky breath once I realized she was staying in this very hotel. I was on the 37th floor so we weren’t far apart. With my phone placed back in my pocket and my keycard in hand, I walked out of my room to the bank of elevators.

Some higher power had to be messing with me right now. Y/N is only 3 floors below me, but damn is this thing moving slowly. Not to mention the large group of people that got on and off every floor on the way down.

The doors slid open, and I stepped off, looking left and right trying to see which direction I needed to go. With a right then left turn, I was standing outside Y/N’s door.

When she opened it, I swore I saw an angel. She was just as beautiful as the last time I saw her almost 4 months ago. It hurt like hell and felt so good at the same time being in her presence again. I’m just thankful she even agreed to see me.

I entered her room without a word spoken between either of us. I looked around and only saw 1 bed along with 1 suitcase. She was alone. Thank God.

“I know you’re nervous, but the crowd is going to love you, Adam. They’ll be happy to have their cowboy back,” Y/N said softly.

She was leaning against the wall with her arms wrapped around her body, making me wish they were my arms around her instead. This woman knew me better than anyone, hell she knows me better than I know myself. She understands me. She accepts me. She’s always been my missing piece.

“Is it that obvious?” I asked with a nervous laugh. It was comforting and sometimes maddening that she could read me so well.

“Everything will go smoothly, and you’ll get back in the swing of things. You’re a natural. You just have to believe in yourself the way everyone else does Adam. You’ve got this. I know things aren’t ideal right now behind the scenes, but you’ll figure it out. Pick the path you want to go down and don’t look back,”

It felt like I was 20 pounds lighter hearing her words and knowing she still believes in me. I offered her my best smile while I took a moment to let her encouragement sink in. She shocked me when she walked over to me and placed her hand on my cheek. The familiar scent of her started to dance around my nose as I inhaled, it was intoxicating. It still lingered on her pillow in my bed at home.

Her fingers rubbed my beard, making me melt into her touch. Our eyes were on one another as we drank each other in.

“I’m glad the mustache is back to normal by the way. You look more like my-“ Y/N smiled before she stopped herself from saying whatever else she was going to say.

“I look more like your what, Y/N?”

Sadness flashed across her face, but she recovered quickly. She brushed a stray strand of hair away from my face while she answered me.

“My Adam. You look more like my Adam now,”

Y/N looked up at me, waiting for me to make the next move. I could tell she was afraid she had said too much, but she said everything I wanted, needed to hear. I leaned down and kissed her. I kissed her hard and I kissed her good. She tasted so fucking sweet as I slid my tongue in between her lips, savoring every second of this moment. God, I missed this. I missed her.

When I broke the kiss, her lips were already a little swollen. She tried to catch her breath as I kissed her jawline down to her neck, nipping and sucking until I found that sweet spot that made her come alive for me. My cock twitched in my jeans when she let out a breathy moan, letting me know I found my target.

I stole the moan right out of her mouth when I kissed her lips again, swallowing the sound whole and eating it up. Her fingers worked quickly to undo the buttons on my shirt, and when she slid it down my arms, the fire blazing in her eyes threatened to set the entire room on fire. Her fingertips traced along the lines of my chest, lightly grazing the scars that were scattered on the skin there before kissing them softly.

I tried my best to let her have the lead, at least for now but my resolve was fading the longer she looked at me with those lust blown eyes. Y/N unbuckled my belt, then the button and zipper before helping me shimmy my jeans down my legs and to the floor. She drug her nails gently up my thighs to my hips and up my chest, causing a shiver to run through me. She snaked her arms around my neck and splayed her fingers through the hair at the nape of my neck.

I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around my waist as I carried her over to the bed. The feeling of her pressing against my hard cock through my underwear was so good and torturous at the same time. I needed her. I needed this. We needed each other.

I laid her down on the bed gently, my lips finding hers once more. She arched her back and lifted herself slightly as I pulled her shirt up to remove it, revealing her bare breast underneath. Y/N is perfect. She’s the epitome of all things good and beautiful.

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen Y/N. Every inch of you is divine. I can never get enough of you,” I whispered as I made my way down her torso.

I made a trail with my lips and tongue until I reached the hem of her pants. I hooked my fingers underneath the band and tugged while she lifted her ass off the bed to let me pull them off. Her underwear was next and ended up in the pile on the floor with our other discarded clothes. Y/N watched me intently as I spread her legs wide and positioned myself in between them.

“I’ve tasted your lips, but now I want to taste the rest of you sweetheart. Let me pleasure you, take what you need from my mouth. I don’t plan on stopping until I hear you cum,”

The gasp she let out the second I dove in made me stiffen even more. My boxers were feeling tighter and tighter with each minute that passed.

Every swipe and flick of my tongue against her clit was bringing her closer and closer to her release. I licked and lapped around her while I pumped my fingers in and out of her. Her moans were sugary sweet and satisfying, I couldn’t help but groan against her sensitive bud. Y/N intertwined her fingers in my hair, lightly pulling and tugging while her hips bucked and pressed herself even more against my tongue.

I wrapped my arms around her thighs when she finally came, holding her in place as I licked and sucked her through her release. She squirmed and moaned as each tremor wracked her body. I placed a kiss on her inner thigh before sitting up and pulling her to me. Our centers collided, making us both blow out a rush of air as my cock slid around her wet folds.

I refrained from pushing myself all the way into her. I wanted to draw things out as long as I could before we couldn’t take it anymore. My mouth took in one of her nipples while my hand played with the other.  My teeth grazed the pink bud, my tongue following afterwards before I sucked it into my mouth and released it. I kissed my way over to her other stiff peak, taking it into my mouth to continue my teasing.

“A-Adam please. I want you; I need to feel all of you. Please,” Y/N’s plea was nothing more than a breathy murmur.

She was ready for me, and I was so ready for her. I reached between our bodies and lined myself up with her entrance, my breath catching in my throat as the head of my cock rested against the soft inner lining of her pussy. If I could bottle this feeling up, I would so I could enjoy it any time I wanted to.

My forearms supported most of my weight as I inched myself inside of her. Y/N felt incredible, so tight and so warm against me.  So wet and so perfect for me. Her walls stretched around me, eventually giving me full access and allowing me to be fully sheathed. I started moving against her slowly at first before increasing my speed.

Our bodies worked together in perfect harmony as we both chased euphoria. Y/N dug her nails into my back whenever I hit her sweet spot, her eyes fluttered closed when I leaned down and kissed her neck. We were both panting and sweaty and so completely lost in each other.

“Darlin, you’ve been so good for me. So, fucking good. I can feel how close you are. Let yourself go sweetheart,” I whispered against the shell of her ear.

Y/N pressed her heels into my ass, bringing us even closer together as I continued thrusting, much deeper now. I felt her flutter around my cock, and I knew she was done for. I watched as the most incredible woman I’ve ever known fell apart beneath me. Her lips parted and her sweet voice cried out my name. Her legs twitched and her cheeks flushed while her body absorbed every ounce of pleasure her orgasm brought.

I’ve never wanted time to stand still as badly as I do right now. Y/N completely blissed out and me seconds behind her. Both of us so fucking high off one another we may never come back down from it. My release detonated, wave after wave of satisfaction crashed against every part of me as I thrusted erratically. I grunted into Y/N’s chest as each rope of my cum filled her until I had nothing left.

It was minutes before I could bring myself to pull out of her. Part of it was because it just felt so damn good being inside of her, but the other part was because I wasn’t sure what would happen between us next. I couldn’t help but feel sentimental during this intimate moment, my thoughts and feelings threatened to drown me when they came flooding back into my mind.

Once I was lying on my back with Y/N resting her head on my chest, she worked her magic again. The warmth of her skin against mine mixed with the feeling of being completely sated, she put an end to my thoughts and worries. The noise in my head was now quiet. She did all this without even trying!

Not long after I pulled the covers over both of us, we fell into a peaceful sleep. I held her through most of the night before we repositioned, and our limbs ended up tangled together. There’s no way for me to ever thank her properly for all that she’s done for me and continues to do. I know I’ll spend the rest of forever trying my best to show her just how grateful I really am. Months ago I made the biggest mistake of my life letting her go. Tonight felt like a second chance, a fresh start. I had to do whatever I could to make her mine again.

[arielgobuss]

The 37th chapter of "Desiderium Intimum" has been posted! ^_^

Here's a preview:

37. Thinking of you

I don't wanna live I don't wanna breathe

Unless I feel you next to me

I don't wanna sleep

I don't wanna dream

'cause my dreams don't comfort me

The way you make me feel

Waking up to you never felt so real*

"Potter!"

Harry murmured in his sleep and turned his head, pressing his face deeper into the pillow, searching for that warm softness that wrapped so wonderfully around him. He didn't want to get up yet. After all, he had the day off. Nobody should come here and...

"Potter, if you don't get up soon, I will force you out of bed and it won't be nice for you."

It sounded like Snape.

One sec. What was Snape doing in his dormitory?

Harry opened one sleepy eye and immediately squinted it, as even the dull light of the burning candles was too harsh for him and penetrated his mind, cutting through him like a knife. In the blurred fog before his eyes, he saw a dark silhouette. He opened his other eye, but it didn't help much.

"Now that you've kindly woken up, maybe you could tidy yourself up? We have to be in the Great Hall in half an hour."

What?

Harry looked up, feeling as if someone had hit him with something heavy.

Wait... He needs to analyze the facts.

He was at Snape's yesterday. They fu-- No. They made love. Yes.

And then... later...

Oh shit!

And then Severus let him stay here for the night!

He jumped up into a sitting position and groaned as he felt a sudden, painful sting in his ass and the protests of his strained muscles.

Harry looked around and saw a stain on the table in the shape of his glasses. He reached for them, placed them over his nose, and looked at Sever--

Suddenly he felt a strange sensation, as if his heart and stomach had changed places and his eyes were trying to come out of their sockets.

Snape was standing in front of him. Yes, it was definitely Snape. No one else. But he wasn't wearing his black robes, which rustled with every movement and covered every inch of his body.

Harry's gaze moved upwards, and with every inch he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Snape was standing barefoot on a small black and green carpet spread over the stone floor. He wore long, loose black pants and an equally dark, velvet, long-sleeved shirt that draped softly around his arms and body. Open on the chest.

Harry knew he was staring, but he couldn't stop, and he knew he was staring with his mouth open, but what could he do about it? The pale skin emerging from the black fabric contrasted with it and made Harry feel an irresistible need to touch it and check if it was real, and leave his mark on it. A very clear mark.

"As you can see, Potter, I'm still alive," Severus finally said, interrupting Harry's rapturous contemplation. "So you can stop staring at me like that."

Harry closed his mouth and swallowed, and ignoring the man's words, he got up and like a sleepwalker moved towards him, completely ignoring the painful protests of his leg muscles. He couldn't take his eyes off that pale torso, and from the dark strand of hair stretching from the navel down and disappearing under the fabric of the loose pants.

He had to touch him. He must have marked him.

He grabbed the skirts of the black shirt and clung to the tall body, pressing his lips to the cool skin of Severus' chest. The man's scent filled his nostrils and the air inhaled sharply by Snape filled his ears. Harry smiled inwardly and began kissing the smooth skin, purring contentedly into it. It only lasted for a moment, though, and Harry had time to place only a few hungry kisses on Snape's chest when he felt strong hands gripping his shoulders and pulling him away abruptly.

"I think that I told you to do something!" the man said sharply.

Harry blinked, slightly confused, and looked up. Severus didn't seem to be in the best mood. Maybe he was angry that Harry had stayed for the night with him? Or maybe he just didn't get enough sleep and now decided to get back at him for the sleepless night. Yes, it was very likely. And very 'snape-like'.

"Okay, I'm going now. I just wanted to greet you," he replied with a sigh and was about to turn away when his eye was caught by a dark, red-brown stain on Severus' neck.

This definitely improved his mood.

"Severus... I think something bit you during the night," he grinned, moving away from the man and walking backwards towards the bathroom.

Snape didn't seem surprised.

"You must have slept in the gnome nest, then," he replied, raising an eyebrow and looking pointedly at Harry's upper body.

The boy looked down and widened his eyes. His entire chest was covered with small, dark spots. Some more visible than others, but there were so many that it was impossible to count them. He looked back at Snape, who had a faint, mischievous smile on his lips.

"I actually like them," Harry replied, smiling. "Maybe I'll keep them..." And without waiting for an answer, he grabbed his clothes from the chair and disappeared out the door.

He hung his clothes on the rack by the door, then walked over to the mirror and looked at his reflection. It wasn't just his chest that was covered in spots. The neck looked much worse, and there was a small bruise just above his temple.

He looked like he had just barely escaped a fight, but he felt so happy that he couldn't help but smile the entire time. He hoped that Severus would allow him to keep at least some of these traces. After all, these were Severus' marks. They marked the places where Severus' lips had caressed his body.

Harry touched one of the dark spots on his neck as if it was a treasure. He didn't have to close his eyes to clearly imagine those thin lips pressing against his skin and sucking on it so hungrily, as if they wanted to devour him whole, and that thought sent a pleasant shiver down his body, to his lower abdomen.

He took a deep breath and turned away from the mirror, looking around the bathroom. It was simple and bright, not much different from the bathrooms in the dorms, except that everything in it was intended for one person only. Instead of the bathtub Harry expected to see, there was only a shower.

Well, somehow he couldn't imagine Severus lounging in a bathtub full of bubbles and surrounded by scented candles. No, he was more of a person who preferred a quick, practical shower.

Then something in his mind opened up and Harry recalled the sound of running water he had heard last night, and he couldn't help the image of Severus appearing in front of his eyes. Naked Severus, with streams of water flowing down his fair skin.

No! Enough! He wasn't going to stand here and imagine Snape taking a shower, because his penis was already starting to show extraordinary interest and Severus had told him to hurry up.

[ka-writes]

——————

Notes: I was at camp. Sorry for posting late... in return I gift a long chapter!

——————

In Case you missed it:

Chapter 1:

Chapter 2:

——————

Inspired by:

Humans are Space Velociraptors

By:FreshRoses_InMyGarden_NeedTheRain

Some kids come from storks, others come from crashed spaceships

By: mmmajora

Home Again, Home Again

By: teeth_eater

All works can be found on Ao3

——————

Warning: Characters being trapped, mentions of IVs, Cussing, yelling, characters being restrained, nightmares, mentions of murder, a guy being arrested.

——————

“Humans are [add text here]”

Chapter 3: A Wild Crow Father has Appeared

Phil wasn’t expecting to be returning to Planet A112 so soon but Wilbur had sent a distress signal and that was the Dream Team Craft’s next stop.

The planet itself stood as a port market place. There were many of these planets around the galaxy, but it was probably the more popular ones for criminal ships and such. Poachers and Scientists alike came here to get supplies to take the biggest beasts in the galaxy, Humans.

Phil never understood the appeal, but both of his sons had gained that sort of adventurous aspect that he had lost so many celestial years ago. He assumed the only reason people ever chased the creatures was to fill their pride.

That was the exact reason Techno had joined the poacher ship three years ago. He only returned when it had crashed three months ago. To this day he has yet to reveal what horrors had gone on the ship.

Wilbur had another reason to go after the infamous creatures. His crave for knowledge was eating him up as was for most scientists. He joined the Dream Team Craft only six months ago and was already heading back to the SBI Craft.

Techno was pacing around the marketplace studying different weapons and supplies. Phil had been standing off to the side, leaning on one of the building walls. Every once and a while he would check his communicator to see where Wilbur was. Thankfully he had turned on his location so Phil could easily watch as he made his way through the maze-like market.

“Is he getting close?” Techno asked running low on patience.

“He’ll be here in two minutes or so.” Phil bit his lip, “You can head back to the ship, I don’t mind waiting for him.”

“I am not leaving you. Prime knows what Wilbur brought back this time.” Techno replied. Wilbur always had a knack for bringing back things he found interesting. This wasn’t the first time he had left the SBI Craft. This would be the 37th since he turned 14. Now he was 24 and the Craft had been designed to handle whatever he brought back. There was a holding room fit for literally any species, a mechanics room full of technology he gained an interest in. A garden and a gardener which was also retrieved by Wilbur. And of course Wilbur’s pride and joy, the laboratory.

“If you want mate..” Phil said, shaking his head.

Not even two minutes later he saw Wilbur coming from the middle of the crowd. He was carrying what looked like a hurt child.

“Well this should be interesting.” Techno mumbled as he spotted Wilbur.

Once the phantom saw them he strode over and they made their way over to him.

“What do you have this time mate?” Phil asked, curiosity filling him to the brim with questions.

“Someone I can’t explain till we get to the ship.” Wilbur states with a tone he had never heard from his son.

After a second of standing awkwardly they had come to a silent agreement to head to the ship.

It took less than five minutes. Wilbur was half sprinting to the lab before Techno’s assistant had even registered that Wilbur was back. Phil gave a quick greeting to the gardener and assistant before following Wilbur to the medical part of the lab. He almost fainted when he saw what was laying on the medical bed.

“I know it looks bad, but I couldn’t help myself.” Wilbur said apologetically, “I know you’re gonna want answers but I really don’t have a lot of time before serious damage is done to him. I’ll explain after I fix him up.” He glanced up with a face full of sincerity.

Phil sighed pushing aside any fatigue and collecting his thoughts. “How can I help?” He states without an ounce of shown-fear in his voice.

Wilbur took a moment before answering. Prime the silence was loud. “Keep everyone out of the lab, and set up another room.. that would be great.” Wilbur said. The worry in his voice was apparent, but Phil said nothing of it. Instead he started on the tasks that came with being the captain of the craft.

——————

He woke up to LED lights blinding him. Tommy blinked a bit before sitting up.

He was sitting on what appeared to be a hospital bed. An IV was attached to his wrist and there were strange alien restraints attached to his legs but not to his wrists. That would be a mistake if he knew how to take the sticky black cuffs off. Which he didn’t. Plus he was too weak to attempt.

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and looked around. The bed was pushed into the back corner directly across from a window. There was no glass or plastic covering the window, only a shiny force-field looking thing. The window also was the length of the wall. To the right of the window was a little slot and shelf, clearly used to deliver food. To the left of the window was a place for a door. The only thing was there was no visible door, just more of the light blue painted wall. To the left of the space was a bunch of shelves with a bunch of weird toys, games, books, and puzzles. Across from that was a card table and two comfortable chairs. At the end of the bed was a bench looking thing in which the lid lifted up.

All in all the room was clearly used to keep people occupied while keeping a close eye on them. The inhabitants of the ship had prepared it so it could withstand most things. The furniture in the room had been nailed to the floor. The chairs could move either closer or farther from the table with whoever was sitting down using a strange contraption. None of the toys on the lower shelf could be eaten and all games and puzzles were on higher shelves. The books were also all hard covered. There were even plastic bookmarks in a small container next to the shelves. The window was clearly impossible to get through and looked like it would absorb whatever you threw at it. The food shelf had three mechanisms that wouldn’t be easy to get through. There were no vents or places to hide. It was very apparent they had done this sort of thing before.

The last thing Tommy looked for was a light switch. By some sort of luck he spotted it. It was a weird sort of dial thing that was right by the IV stand. It was currently at 100 and he then dialed it down to 35. It was dim enough to sleep but bright enough to see everything clearly. Not even five minutes later he fell into a deep sleep.

——————

“YOU BROUGHT A HUMAN?!” Tubbo yelled, fluttering his wings furiously, making him hover ever so slightly.

Ranboo swiftly put his hand on Tubbo’s shoulder pushing him back onto the ground. The enderian shifted anxiously making Techno ponder if he was also gripping Tubbo to keep himself grounded. Phil stood near Will expectantly. Wilbur shifted from foot to foot and rubbed his arm, yet kept his head up to look at everyone. Techno was leaning against his security desk, side eyeing the now asleep human.

“I knew you were stupid, I just didn’t know you were this stupid.” Techno stated without a hint of remorse. Wilbur scoffed before attempting to collect himself.

“I couldn’t just leave him there! It was a mission built for researching humans. Meaning they would be doing nasty experiments for prime knows how long!” Wilbur snapped, with a seriousness Techno hadn’t seen since Wilbur brought back the other children on the ship, “He is a kid. Not an adult that had nowhere to go and was doing prime awful things. He is a kid with no family, no home, and barely making it through the day. I read through his file and he has gone through awful shit. I wasn’t gonna let him die in misery too. If you don’t want him on the ship, then I will get myself my own ship.” Wilbur threatened with a tone not to be questioned. Techno took a moment to think through Will’s response before coming up with an answer.

“He can stay. As long as you keep him in line and take care of his rations. He is not to leave his room until we make sure he can do no damage. If anyone wants to visit him, you are either outside the window or I am present. No excuses.” Techno finished satisfied with his answer. Phil may have been the legal captain of the ship, but when it came to rules Techno was always the one to make them.

Phil nodded in agreement. The two children nodded aggressively, both of which clearly had no intention of going near the human’s holding cell. After a minute Wilbur nodded.

“Fine. If those are the rules I will comply.” Wilbur said, “I need to adjust some things, I will assume Techno will be coming with me?” He asked reluctantly.

“Yes.” Techno bluntly said.

“So be it.” Wilbur snapped. Techno just brushed it off as they headed towards the lab cells.

——————

Tommy was running through the forest on the edge of town.

It was his favorite trail and the only one his parents let him go on alone. Which cost a long series of promises and supplies he had to go with.

Usually he would be running on the trail for fun but this time it was a sprint home. He didn’t know what was wrong but he knew something was wrong. Especially when he saw the blue and red lights light up the evening sky.

“I didn’t do anything you bastards!!” His dad yelled over the sirens. They had him in cuffs repeating the Miranda rights to him as they pushed him into the back seat.

“What’s going on?” All Tommy could manage his throat was tight and he was struggling to hold back angry tears. He caught one of the officers' attention. She smiled softly.

“He got caught doing something bad to his wife.” She said sadly.

“What did he do?!” Tommy cried even louder this time tears slipped down his face. At this point the officer got more serious.

“I am not obligated to say.” She bit her lip before continuing, “Why don’t you go back to your parents?” She replied softly. This was the first time Tommy got angry, not annoyed or that childish angry. The kind of anger that makes you wanna burn the world down. It was a quick flash but enough to make him snap.

“You took my dad…. What did he do to my mom?” Tommy answered coldly. His answer clearly shook the officer.

“Aw kid, I- .. I am sorry.. he killed her.” Tommy already knew the answer. He shouldn’t have been surprised, but he was. He heard someone scream from far away. Maybe it was him, maybe someone else. They pushed him through a series of questions all of which he could barely answer. His mind was somewhere else. He couldn’t calm down. Everything was too much.

He woke up in a cold sweat. Tears were running down his face. His breath was rapid and uneven. He hadn’t had a dream like that for a couple of months, granted he barely slept. After a few shaky breaths he calmed himself enough to grasp where he was. He wiped the tears just in time for the spot where the door was to open.

In stepped Wilbur along with a really tall alien. The tall alien stood in front of the door as Wilbur rushed to Tommy’s bed. Tommy lost control of his breathing, barely calming down.

Wilbur grabbed his hands to which Tommy snapped his head towards the alien. “I want you to breathe with me okay?” Wilbur said softly. He moved Tommy’s hand to his chest and started taking deep breaths. After a minute Tommy managed to even his breath to Wilbur’s pattern. “Good, good. I am gonna take off your IV since you don’t need it anymore. After that I can get you some food and water, then we can talk alright?” Wilbur said, keeping his tone soft and slow. Tommy rubbed his eyes and nodded.

Wilbur took his arm, there was a small pinch then the IV was off. Wilbur quickly left and came back after about two minutes. Within those two minutes Tommy got a better look at the other alien.

The alien had light pink ruff skin with neat pink hair tightly braided. They were wearing a puffy cream shirt that was tucked into dark brown pants, which were tucked into black boots that went up to their knees. Their knees bent backwards and the boots were shaped weirdly, like they were built for hooves. They had hooves where their hands would be, that somehow had thumbs. They also had tusks poking out of their mouth. Along with blood red eyes that had white pupils. Their ears poked out of their hair and were both torn and pierced with gold earrings. They also had a gold chain necklace with a stone that resembled an Emerald. They also wore a black belt with a gold clip. Attached to the belt was an alien sword leaning against their right hip, on the other side was what resembled a gun.

Tommy swallowed down food that was threatening to come up. He waited patiently for Wilbur to come back, trying his hardest not to stare at the other alien.

“My name is Techno. He/him. Same with Wilbur and most of the crew. The only one who has other pronouns is Ranboo who goes by he/they.” Techno, stated bluntly. Tommy collected himself before responding.

“I am Tommy Innit, er- he/him.” Tommy finished with a shaky voice.

Luckily the awkward tension didn’t last long as Wilbur practically sprinted through the door, shoving Techno out of the way. He pulled a tray that was neatly folded out of the wall and put a glass of water and some food on a plate.

“Some parskey with hatatoes. It tastes good I promise.” Wilbur explained. He then went to grab something he left outside and sat at the card table. He put two plates down and Techno joined him. The door closed after that. There was no button or anything, it just closed. Tommy was a little baffled by it but looked towards the food put in front of him.

It was a white meat, similar to chicken, with a brown version of mashed potatoes. He looked over to the other two who were talking in a different language while eating the same food. With that Tommy decided it was okay to eat. Just like what it reminded him of, it tasted like chicken and mash potatoes with small differences. Like the meat was dryer and more salty and the potatoes were a little sour. Either way it was still good. He then drank the water. There was no odd taste this time so he assumed it wasn’t drugged.

Once he finished he attempted to listen in but was only met with a series of strange sounds. He gave up and pushed the tray away. Almost too quickly he fell into a deep sleep. He didn’t even notice when the visitors took their stuff and left.

——————

Ranboo poked at his food glancing up every once and awhile. The two crew members had returned from the human’s room and decided to finish their food with the rest of the crew. Everyone sat in a tense silence.

“So,” Phil clapped his feathered hands and turned towards Wilbur. “What do we know about the kid?” He asked.

“His name is Tommy Innit, pronouns he/him. He is 14 and was living on the run for six months. No family according to him and he’s allergic to nuts.” Wilbur answered.

“From what I can tell he isn’t super dangerous, just fearful. He already trusts Wilbur, somehow. Though I think it is due to Wilbur saving his life. It will be harder for the rest of us to gain his trust.” Techno added. Ranboo swiftly wrote the responses down, making sure to keep major notes.

The rest of dinner was uneventful and everyone awkwardly washed dishes and went to bed. Assumingly to sleep. Everyone except Ranboo that is. He couldn’t wash dishes due to his biology and he didn’t really sleep. Every time he tried the void would wake him up or he would go into a half-conscious state that the crew deemed as enderwalking.

So for what felt like the hundredth time they stayed awake laying in bed. This time however their mind was racing with thoughts. Traveling through situations that used to seem impossible before the human boarded the ship. Still curiosity was eating their insides.

With a half made up mind Ranboo shot up in bed. They stalked over to where the human was being held and peered into the window.

Almost instantly the human sat up. After yawning and getting into a position he was comfortable in he just stared at Ranboo making them incredibly uncomfortable.

“Who are you?” The human asked, Ranboo couldn’t remember his name.

“Oh! Uh, I am Ranboo.. I am kinda like an assistant, I-I guess.” Ranboo said, fidgeting with his fingers.

“Ah cool. I am the biggest man! Tommy Innit. You should be grateful to be in my presence.” The human practically flowed with confidence making Ranboo question if all humans were like this. He shook off the questions and turned back to the human who was now playing with the light monitor.

“So… what was your planet like?” Tommy asked, startling Ranboo a bit. “I-I mean you don’t have to answer of course.. just wondering..” the human stuttered. They took a moment to go through their thoughts, narrowing down what they could.

“I guess it was peaceful.. in a way.. no one really fell out of line. It was unified, creating a peaceful haven. It wasn’t like people couldn’t fall out of line it’s just they didn’t want to. M-most of them were content with the way they were… but if there was something wrong they would absolutely take any measure to destroy it.” Ranboo finished bitterly, trying to shake off his old hurt of how they treated him. “W-what about your planet?” Ranboo asked.

“Ah.. Earth is interesting to say the least… We don’t all follow the same rules. And there is a lot of falling out of line… But I guess that’s what gave it a certain charm and a certain aspect that made it brutal.” Tommy finished his serious tone melting in an instant, “But that’s there not here! I wanna know what everything is like.” He said looking at Ranboo with curiosity.

That’s how Ranboo created a bond with the strange blond creature. They bounced from topic to topic mainly ending with one of them going into a deep explanation of one thing or another. They talked until both of them ended up passing out sitting next to the window.

——————

Chapter 3- End

Words- 3,212

——————

Techno- “Don’t go near the human without my presence.”

Ranboo- ._.

Ranboo- Ima do it... >:p

——————

(That was a bad one but oh well..)

——————

End Notes: I got carried away a bit... I have a few more filler chapters before we start actually getting into the plot.. also after this should I start a super hero AU?

Ignore minor mistakes... I did reread through it this time so there shouldn’t be too many...

As always likes are nice but reblogs are better! Please share this with people of you enjoyed, I hope you did!

Go get some water, sleep, eat food, and stay safe!! Love y’all <3

——————

Chapter 4:

[anywhozits]

All I Really Want Chapter 7

Rating: M

Pairing: Kristanna eventuallyyy

Verse: 90s High School AU / frozen retelling

Chapter Summary: Anna celebrates her 15th birthday.

Notes: Thank you for reading!!! Also there is some language, underage drinking, and homophobia in this chapter - be warned! (also tw emotional abuse)

Read on Ao3 here!

June twenty-fucking-first.

Another year. Fifteen, now.

And… Anna was excited, objectively, sure. At her very core, she felt excited because she knew she should be excited. But still, the very nature of this date always left her with a huge pit in her stomach.

There was just so much pressure. So much hope and want and desire for the love she craved to fill her first moments of fifteen.

Anna used to think she loved her birthday. The attention… the entire day naturally being about her—like, she knew she was supposed to enjoy it. She loved attention. She’d never deny that.

But…

In reality, her birthday stressed her out. There were all these expectations. Wanting people to acknowledge her, surprise her, and do all these special things to show they care. And yeah, this was probably way too much to ask on her 15th birthday but she wanted to feel … desired.

And yet she worried that wouldn’t happen this year.

Because her birthday was and had always been so full of disappointment.

Elsa forgot. Her parents forgot. Over the years one or two or all three of them forgot. They would ignore her the whole dumb day and then Anna would end up sobbing alone in her huge stupid room that had no reason to be so huge when it felt so lonely.

So far today, not one member of her family had acknowledged her. Her mother was definitely taking a nap or something. Who the hell knew where her dad was… and Elsa hadn’t called (yet, Anna thought, maybe too optimistically), but she was busy at this pre-college academic program at Pomona. So she had an okay excuse.

At least this year Anna got to spend her birthday with Hans. With Hans, maybe it’d be different. He already made the prom milestone so special that she had no doubt he’d do the same for her birthday.

No disappointments this year. Fingers crossed.

And how could she forget? She had Kristoff, too. And Kristoff never forgot. Kristoff always tried his best to make it special.

In fact, he’d already done something for her—he’d left her a card and a mixtape. This had to be her 37th Kristoff Bjorgman mixtape. And every new tape was better than the last.

He... well, um—that gesture alone made her feel desired.

She was officially on her third listen of the mixtape, and the sweet sweet tunes of Modest Mouse’s Dramamine filled her room.

In the past, he tended to include recordings of Pissed Off Kids, but Kristoff had made it extra special this time—the final song of the tape was instead a solo of Kristoff’s smooth tenor singing Better Man by Pearl Jam. Naturally he also hit all of the epic guitar riffs.

Anna loved it.

This lovely thought paired with the swelling sounds of Dramamine put her in a trance. Deep in her emotions, Anna swayed to the beat, instantly craving something more.

Traveling swallowing Dramamine

Look at your face like you're killed in a dream

She crawled on the floor and under her bed, pulling out a blue plastic box that housed her entire stash. The stash was once discovered by the family’s housekeeper, Anna (pronounced A-nuh not Ah-nuh), who subsequently revealed it to Agnarr and Iduna. Obviously, they did nothing about it. Duh. They gave zero shits. Zero. And it had devastated her, somehow. To not be yelled at or grounded… to not have her entire stash confiscated.

And you think you've figured out everything

I think I know my geography pretty damn well

Clearly, Anna had no reason to hide it anymore but leaving it out in the open took most of the fun away. So here it was back in the blue plastic box under her bed. Various bottles of alcohol, rolling paper, a pipe, a lighter, some weed, and an unopened bottle of Xanax with Iduna Larsen’s name on the label.

You say what you need so you'll get more

If you could just milk it for everything

Actually, come to think of it—Anna’s entire stash had been collected from her parent’s room.

I've said what I said, and you know what I mean

But I can't still focus on anything

Looking squarely at the box and its contents, Anna bit her lip. She needed this. And, why? Well, it was a combination of her baseline birthday nerves and the aftermath of the intense sob-fest she had when the oh-so-topical So Unsexy by Alanis Morrissette played on Kristoff’s mixtape. Oh, and of course the fact that her parents probably fucking forgot her birthday yet again… So, she took out the rolling paper and the Ziploc baggie that contained a few grams of weed.

Then, some weird crashing sound echoed from her window, which made her gasp and spook slightly.

Walking over to the window, drawing the curtains, and emerging onto her Juliet balcony, she noticed Hans and his goofy grin, standing in the driveway like he was a regular John Cusack.

When she saw that he had a bunch of tiny pebbles in his hand, it all made sense.

Anna’s heart fluttered. She loved it. She, like, literally loved it. So romantic.

“Can I come up?” He shouted, and Anna blushed. She was basically real-life Juliet at this point.

“Of course!” Anna called, and Hans started off in a sprint toward the rose trellis that led up the side of the house and into her window. “You don’t have to sneak in, you know!”

But he smiled devilishly and yelled, “I want to!”

Anna laughed and rolled her eyes at his definitely not-necessary efforts, but her stomach also did a few backflips. It was literally 500 times more romantic for him to climb up the trellis than it was for him to simply walk through the unlocked front door.

He pulled himself onto the balcony and Anna kissed him deeply. She couldn’t help but sigh—she was so, unbelievably happy to see him today.

“Happy birthday, babe,” he cooed in between kisses.

“Aww, thank you! I’m so happy you’re here.” After kissing a few more times, they ended up back in her bedroom where Kristoff’s singing now boomed through the room. Anna’s eyes fell to the blue plastic box—right. She had plans. “I was gonna do a little something to, uh, match the general vibe of this mixtape Kristoff made for me if you maybe wanted to join?” Anna gestured to the rolling paper and Ziploc bag.

Hans shook his head but then did a double-take. “Kristoff made you a mixtape?”

“Yep! He’s made me, like, tons of them.”

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man.

“Who’s this? Pearl Jam or some shit?”

“Yeah, but not—"

“Damn, he really thinks he’s emo, huh?”

“—because it’s Kristoff who’s singing. Pearl Jam cover, yeah, but…”

She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man.

Hans laughed, heartily. “He’s pathetic.”

…huh?

“What?”

“You’re telling me he specifically chose this song to sing for you, recorded it, and then actually had the balls to give it to you?”

“Uh-huh.”

Another robust chuckle from Hans.

Anna furrowed her eyebrows. “What’s the big deal?”

“Are you even listening to these lyrics?”

“Um, yes, I—"

Hans laughed again. “You have no idea, do you?”

Anna pouted. She hated feeling naïve. Especially now that she was such a woman. Fifteen and a woman. Not naïve, not anywhere near naïve.

“No, I ... I know. Duh. I totally know what you’re talking about.” But she really didn’t. She had no idea what the hell he meant.

“So fucking pathetic,” Hans said, shaking his head. “But whatever. He’s not even a little bit threatening, is he?”

Threatening?

Oh.

Ohohohoh.

Hans thought… no way.

Kristoff wasn’t pathetic. He wasn’t pining after Anna or whatever. No duh he wasn’t. Absolutely no way.

They were just friends.

And, besides, Kristoff chose these songs because he knew Anna would like them. There was no connection between the themes or lyrics of the songs and how he felt about Anna. None at all… there couldn’t be a connection, because if there were, then… the whole sister thing was bullshit. But it wasn’t. No way in hell. Like, it couldn’t be.

Then why was Hans so convinced?

Before Anna could give this another thought, her bedroom door flew open.

She reflexively ran to the plastic box stash and kicked it back under her bed. For no real reason beyond wanting to keep some kind of classic-teenage air of mystery about herself.

Not that she had any earthly idea who the hell was coming barging into her room on this particular day at this particular hour.

But then when she saw the hint of blonde hair zooming past her and then engulfing her in a huge hug, she beamed. Elsa. Exactly who she wanted to come barging into her room.

“Anna!” She exclaimed as she hugged and hugged and hugged her sister. “Happy happy happy birthday! Fifteen—wow. I’m absolutely thrilled that I get to celebrate with you today.”

Anna didn’t want to pull away. So she didn’t. She held on tighter, savoring this moment she thought would never in a million years come to pass. “I’m really happy too, Els. I thought… weren’t you at school? How’d you even get here?”

“Mom and dad picked me up.”

“…really?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Why?”

“So I could be here for your birthday.”

“They should really just get you a car or something so they don’t have—” And then the pin dropped. “Wait, what?”

Anna finally pulled away from her sister and stared at her incredulously.

“Yeah—they picked me up so we could have a proper celebration.”

“But…wait. You’re saying…a proper celebration for… for my birthday? Our parents wanted to do this? For me?”

“At Hans’s insistence, actually.”

“Hans?” Anna’s eyes darted to her not-boyfriend. “You… did this?”

“Only took a couple phone calls with your parents, a few with Elsa. And then magic was made.”

“I can’t believe you did this for me.”

“Of course I did, babe. I love you.”

Anna’s heart fluttered the most it had ever fluttered. It fluttered so much she honestly worried it might fly away out of her chest and off the balcony or something totally wild like that.

Hans was perfect. She was so lucky to have Hans. The perfect not-boyfriend who made her birthday okay again. More than okay, rather. Magical, wonderful. Perfect.

She didn’t even notice as Kristoff’s next selection, All Over You, started playing in the background.

And then the door swung open again and the two essential strangers she called parents walked in to also swarm Anna with massive hugs.

It felt… strange. Uncharacteristic. Almost like… almost like seeing a teacher at the movie theater, sitting down to watch the same movie you’re seeing with friends.

That level of weird.

But at the same time, it was a type of weird that Anna embraced more than anything else.

Because her parents were hugging her… they were acknowledging her.

They hadn’t forgotten her birthday.

“I rented us a Duffy boat for the afternoon,” Agnarr explained. “Kai set it all up for us—stocked with the best Cristal and naturally Anna’s favorite charcuterie board.”

“Ooh cured meats. A birthday delight.” Shit Anna had no idea how to interact with her parents anymore. Who even was this person—cured meats? Like yeah, she loved cured meats of course but damn this felt awkward.

“Actually, we should consider heading out soon. Don’t want to find ourselves on the blacklist at the Yacht Club, you know.”

That may sound like a joke but their close family friends actually did get blacklisted from the Yacht Club. Well, it had much more to do with some kind of scandalous drug and prostitute type situation than it did with being late, but… the fear was there.

“Should we bring your stereo?”

“Oh, yeah! Yes. Great idea. Kristoff actually made me a mixtape for my birthday, so—yeah. I’d love to have that along for the celebration too!”

They brought the speaker. They brought the Cristal and the charcuterie. Anna brought her now sunny and enthused birthday disposition.

Her family. And Hans. All together. Right now. On her birthday. Like, shit.

It felt like something out of her absolute favorite dream of all time.

And, yes, this whole Duffy boat thing was the most freaking Orange County plan of all time. But that meant her dad had to have planned ahead, since Duffy boats booked up ahead of time.

She felt so loved. So loved.

Once they arranged themselves in the boat, Anna turned on the stereo. So Unsexy played again, but Alanis didn’t get to her this time. Nobody had forgotten her birthday. She wasn’t alone. She felt, like, confident for once… damn. This was nice.

Hans moved to sit next to Agnarr, looking for a lesson about driving the boat, and Iduna sat close to the two of them, smiling. It was a Good Day. Anna could already tell.

“Aww, Alanis?” Elsa asked.

“Yeah!”

“Wouldn’t’ve expected Kristoff to put this on his mixtape.”

“Well, I mean, it’s because of you.”

“What? Really?

“Mmhmm. Because he, um, he knows how much Alanis means to you and because Alanis means so much to you she means so much to me. I really—”

“That’s so sweet.”

“You mean it?”

“Yeah.” Elsa leaned in to give her sister a huge hug. “I’m happy I get to spend more time with you.”

Anna relaxed into Elsa’s hold. She would thank the stars every day for this magnificent change. “Me, too.”

“Did you know the song You Oughta Know is about Uncle Joey?”

“Shut up. Really? For real?”

“For real for real.”

“No shit,” Anna laughed. “I didn’t think he had it in him.”

“Yeah!” Hans chimed in. “No pull for Uncle Joey.”

“But, wow, yeah. Um,” Anna’s cheeks flushed red and she locked her eyes with Hans. “Guess he must’ve been pretty mind-blowing in bed.”

Hans winked at her and Anna all but shivered on the spot. Hold it together, Anna. Hold it together.

But Elsa entertained them zero, shaking her head. “He took advantage of her,” Elsa explained, crossing her arms over her chest. “He’s fifteen years older than her. And they’d already broken up when she was 21, so who knows how old she was when they started…”

Anna bit her lip, worrying this was getting a little personal. Hans was only two years older than her, so. Different story, right?

Eh. Maybe not according to Elsa.

She needed to change the subject and impulsively blurted out, “I wanna get blackout. Right now.”

Elsa shook her head again. “Anna…”

“Yeah! I mean it! You too, right? You’ll do it with me? Let’s blackout on this Cristal. Yeah?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea…”

“Oh, come on. Ms. Boring! I didn’t ask for your judgmental-as-shit opinion. Do you wanna blackout or do you wanna blackout?”

“Uh—neither?”

Anna pouted. “Boo. Boring.” She looked to Hans for more support, but he’d turned his attention back to Agnarr and the steering wheel.

“I’ll drink with you, but I don’t want to blackout. I wanna remember you turning 15.”

Anna chewed on her bottom lip. “Oh… yeah. Well, I guess I do too. Since it’s so great and all.”

“I’m not boring,” Elsa smirked.

“Prove it.”

Elsa grabbed the bottle of champagne and twisted the cap a little hesitantly but still enthusiastically. It made a loud popping sound and a little bit of the liquid spilled from the top, but both Anna and Elsa cheered when the champagne was deemed officially free.

Elsa poured them both tall glasses, and then she poured three more, remembering there were other people on this Duffy Boat and not just the two sisters.

All five raised their glasses.

To Anna. Who was now officially fifteen. Old enough to legally drink Cristal on a Duffy Boat, right? Totally.

And then Agnarr perked up, suddenly remembering his eldest daughter was also on this boat. “So, Elsa… can you tell me again why you chose Pomona over Harvard?” The way he said both school names made it more than clear how he felt about Elsa’s decision. Pomona sounded like he smelled the sweet stench of vomit infested garbage. In contrast, Harvard sounded like a choir of angels sang at the gates of heaven.

“I needed a change of pace.”

Agnarr laughed. A literally massive guffaw. “Harvard could’ve been a change of pace.”

“I don’t really—”

“But, at the end of the day, fine, you’re majoring in what—finance? Which means that your classes at this bullshit liberal arts doohickey will be miniscule. And you’ll get more time with the professors, get better letters of rec, and then end up at the Stanford GSB like your old man. That’ll really seal that fucking deal, you know? You’ll be in tip-top shape to take over The Company. Harvard or not.”

“I’m not gonna major in finance, dad.”

“Oh? So what’s the plan, then?”

“I don’t know. I like Anthropology, or maybe something like PoliSci?”

“Politics? Really?”

“Yeah,” Elsa said, her jaw clenched. “I’d love to clean up some of the damage you’ve done to this country.”

A tense silence filled the air. Elsa crossed her arms over her chest and took a nice long sip of champagne.

Until Iduna piped up, “Well, if you want my opinion—”

“I don—" Elsa started.

“—a pretty young thing like you can’t work around Bill right now.”

Agnarr guffawed again. Profoundly. He raised his glass and cheered, “Oh ho ho!” Like he won some kind of stupid battle he wasn’t even in.

Anna was utterly lost. She’d already downed one whole glass of Cristal and poured herself an entire new one without anybody noticing. Hah. Classic.

She didn’t really want to admit she was, like, this stupid or politically unaware or whatever but she also wanted to feel like part of the conversation, so she said, “Wait, what? Has something happened?”

Hans gave Anna the benefit of the doubt. “Nah, but he’s known for being a pussy hound.”

“Okay! Enough! That’s not why I said I wanted to major in PoliSci. We don’t need to get into—"

“No, no, no. This is important, Elsa. You better watch out,” Agnarr said, ignoring her plea entirely. “Listen, I don’t know how a man like Bill gets it up for a woman like Hillary. She looks like such a dyke. Not that I respect the bastard that much, but he could have any broad he wants. Any broad like you.”

“No—” Elsa raised her voice, but Iduna chuckled.

“Since she’s got my cheekbones!”

Elsa’s entire face had turned a cherry red. She was mad. Fuming, really. “—you can’t say that.”

“I can say whatever the hell I want.”

“You can’t say that,” she repeated.

“Why not? You think you’re some holier-than-thou judge of character?”

Elsa’s jaw was still insatiably clenched. “I want to go home.”

“Els?” Anna reached out her hand to touch Elsa’s shoulder in a way she hoped brought at least a marginal amount of comfort.

“Seriously,” Elsa begged, her eyes glistening with what looked like fresh tears. “Can we turn this boat around? Please?”

A lump formed in Anna’s throat and she swallowed it down. She didn’t want today to end like this, so she tried to redirect. “Um… but—we’re having fun, aren’t we? You… how about we drink more champagne?”

Anna knew Elsa was mad. She knew that their parents had upset her beyond belief, but this was the only time she’d spent with all of them in the same place in… literally forever. She didn’t want it to end prematurely. No matter how mad Elsa was. Besides, Anna had been there, too. She’d been on the receiving end of comments like that countless times.

It stung, sure. But it wasn’t unexpected. That was just what happened when you spent time with Agnarr and Iduna. They were like parasites.

But the kind of parasite Anna still yearned to have in her life… if that made any sense at all?

Thankfully Elsa seemed to snap out of it a bit and turned back to Anna. “I’m sorry, yeah. You’re right. I…” She added in a whisper, “I shouldn’t let them get to me.”

“Yeah—no. Never!” Anna beamed. Crisis averted. “Drink more!”

Elsa took one big gulp of the champagne. “Maybe now’s as good a time as any. Um… I have something for you.”

“Oooh for me?!” Anna squealed when Elsa pulled out an envelope from her back pocket.

“Open it.”

It was the cutest handmade card ever. What Anna recognized instantly as something they would exchange as kids. Classic white printer paper, cut out into the shape of an A. And inside was the sweetest note of all time. Not long. Never long. Elsa wasn’t the most feelings-y. Or not so much that she wasn’t feelings-y, but she didn’t really have a knack for expressing all of the feelings that brewed deep inside her soul.

Inside this note of absolutely wonderfully sweet words was the fact that Elsa had decided to get her the most fun gift of all time—a night at the local roller rink. A disco roller rink night, too, which sounded five hundred million times more fun than any old roller rink night.

So, Anna squealed again. “Oh my God! Elsa! This sounds so, so, so fun! I’m so excited I can’t wait I’m, like, literally the most excited ever for real I’m, like, oh snap I’m rambling but that just means you know how excited I am!”

“I thought you’d like it.”

“Like it? I love it!”

“You can choose whenever you want to go. I can find a way to get here.”

“Okay! I can’t wait!”

Anna had always considered herself forever an experience over a material present person. And an experience present from Elsa of all people only made it all the more special. Quality time with her sister. Shit, she was so excited.

Honestly, ‘so excited’ hardly began to cover it. Anna was ecstatic. Absolutely ecstatic.

It felt almost like… everything was going perfectly. Kristoff’s music played in the background. Hans and her dad had started laughing and carrying on what seemed like meaningful conversation… Iduna was smiling to herself as she usually did on a Good Day. And here Elsa and Anna were. Together. For the first time in forever.

“I’m so happy!” Anna yelled this loud enough that everybody snapped to attention, expecting a speech or something of the like. “This has to be the best birthday I’ve ever had in my whole life. I… thank you for not forgetting. I know—that’s happened before, but—"

Iduna clicked her tongue. “What are you talking about? We’ve never forgotten your birthday. We’re your parents.”

…what?

Was Anna wrong? Had she made it up? She thought she remembered several birthdays in a row her parents had forgotten… since… probably since Elsa had been shipped off to boarding school. It happened at least every other year.

But.

Her mother seemed to think differently. And Anna knew she could be a bit dramatic sometimes.

So…

Maybe that was all a load of BS and Anna was actually absolutely bonkers.

Shit.

“Anna, dear, your mother’s right. We’d never forget your birthday,” Agnarr explained.

Okay, yeah. All right. So then she was literally bonkers. Batshit crazy. Living in some kind of crazy dream world?

“Okay,” was all Anna said, in a tiny voice. She didn’t know what to think.

Except that maybe she really was crazy after all.

But she tried to push that aside. Something to unpack a bit more later.

She needed to enjoy this moment.

And due to this decision, from that point on, the Duffy boat ride went smoothly. They drank their champagne. They finished a few bottles. More than any of them would care to admit, especially because Agnarr and Iduna served the alcohol to minors and whatever. But regardless, they had a great time. In the end.

Sure, Elsa refused to speak to their parents, but thankfully she was never put on the spot again so that really didn’t put a damper on anything.

Hans kept Agnarr company, Iduna kept to herself, and Anna and Elsa spent the entire time talking each other’s ear off about literally everything.

Anna made sure to include all of the dirty details of her own life. Her chest puffed out when she talked about Hans and everything they’d done to celebrate their not-relationship that Anna still continued to make Elsa believe was a real relationship.

But eventually, it came to an end.

The end of an era. The end of this somewhat happy family dynamic Anna wanted to have 100% of the time.

Agnarr and Iduna hugged the girls goodbye. They were getting dinner with some friends and had to dash.

Which left Elsa, Anna, and Hans to fend for themselves.

Anna was a little bit disappointed that her parents had left them alone, but after what she considered such a great afternoon, she didn’t want to dwell on it.

Focus on the positives, Anna! Keep those in mind!

So, she turned to Hans. The orchestrator. The one who made it all happen.

“Oooh, Hans!” Anna jumped up to give him a peck on the lips. “That was awesomesauce! Like, hands down the best birthday—I totally, totally loved it, thank you!”

“Hold that thought, babe,” he smiled, snaking one hand around her waist and using the other to cup her chin. “I’ve still got one more thing planned.”

“Really, really? You do?”

“To the beach house!”

Anna giggled. She loved him. She now officially loved her birthday. She couldn’t wait.

[choiceswreckedme]

Anniversary

@choicesnovemberchallenge Day 2: Anniversary

Book: Perfect Match

Thank you, everyone, for all of your support from Day One’s entry! I hope you enjoy today’s angst-free installment. 

Tagging some people who may want to read - I promise I will put together an actual tag list soon. If I didn’t tag you and you would like to be, just comment!

@burnsoslow @debramcg1106 @cora-nova @dcbbw @indiacater @kate-mckenzie @darley1101

Damien raced through the rain-slicked streets of Brooklyn, dread in the pit of his stomach. He’d lost track of time, again. This case was an intriguing one; a woman who had been adopted as an infant was searching for her birth parents and Damien had finally had a breakthrough on the birth father. Interestingly enough, he was a high-profile business magnate with plenty of secrets, and Damien spent the better part of the day digging through the man’s past.

Now, it was after seven and he knew he would be in deep shit. It was their anniversary - their fifth anniversary - and he’d completely blown it. He had no flowers, no gifts. Just his own late ass, speeding to get home to Quinn.

She’d be so disappointed. The pregnancy had been so difficult on her, afflicted with Hyperemesis Gravidarum for nearly five months. She’d spent weeks in bed, exhausted and too sick to move. It was only in the past couple of weeks she’d begun to feel better, and tonight they were going to celebrate tamely at home, with a meal Quinn could keep down and some post-dinner snuggling while they watched Guardians of the Galaxy for the 37th time. 

Damien haphazardly parallel parked across the street from the brownstone and tore up the three flights of stairs to their apartment. Unlocking the door and stepping inside, he was dismayed to see the darkened living room with no sign of Quinn. He closed his eyes in defeat. Quinn was his world, was everything to him, and he couldn’t even get this right for her. He was a terrible husband. 

Shrugging off his jacket and tossing it over the back of the worn, brown armchair, Damien stepped quietly down the hall where a flicker of light emanated from their bedroom. Tentatively poking his head through the doorway, Damien’s heart melted at the sight before him. 

Curled up on his side of the bed, Quinn slept soundly. Her dark hair lay fanned out across his pillow, her favorite gray throw wrapped around her. The TV on the dresser played an episode of “Friends,” the sound so low it was nearly on mute. Damien stood there for a moment, his heart pounding in his chest, wondering for the hundredth time how he’d gotten so lucky to spend his life with his best friend and soulmate. She was beautiful and peaceful, yet he couldn’t help but want to slide in next to her and hold her warm curves against his body, feel their baby stirring in her belly between them. 

Toeing off his shoes and shucking down to his underwear, Damien curled next to Quinn, tucking the end of the blanket around them both and pulling her close. Content in her sleep, Quinn rolled over and snuggled into him, sighing out in a small puff that warmed the skin of Damien’s chest. He gently stroked her waves back from her face, marveling at the intensity of his love for her. Kissing her forehead softly, Damien whispered into the stillness.

“Happy Anniversary, Beautiful.”

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

The Umbrella Academy in: The Triwizard Tournament

Chapter 1- Prologue 

Read on ao3

“Hold on! It’s gonna get messy!” shouted Five. He needed to concentrate on the math for this jump. One teensy miscalculation and it was over. Five steeled his resolve and did his calculations as quickly as he could while multiplying all the variables by 7 to make up for the extra consciousnesses. He couldn’t remember if a specific variable was for the universe, or the universal truth of time travel overriding previous memories in a consciousness. He decided better safe than sorry, and multiplied that by 7 too. He didn’t want to accidentally leave behind memories for a few of his siblings or himself! 

The fire was getting closer and closer, but in a tension filled turn, Five ex machina, they managed to escape in a swirling pit of blue and white lights. The universe folded around them like the way a baker folds in chocolate chips. Right about then everyone felt like the eggs being beaten into the butter and sugar. The universe was the hand mixer and they were being pulled apart and combined to make something else.

Then they separated. They weren’t the binding agent anymore. Now they were like everyone else. They were separate entities surrounded by the fabric of the universe, or dough, in this analogy. Five immediately decided that all sweets were the root of evil and threw up where they landed. 

Where are we anyway? Five wondered. When are we? Was also a very pressing question, but that was not the case for everyone else. 

“Five! Are you ok- is that blood‽” Diego moved to help Five get up from the crushed puddle of time traveler that he had become. Oh, fun, he was throwing up stomach acid. And blood, too.

Five pushed Diego away and forced himself to his feet. This was a mistake. The cool grass was looking more enticing every second he stood upon it. “We need the exact date. We need- shit.” Five’s head was spinning. It felt worse than the hangover he got sometime around his 37th birthday, and the hangover he got after the library during apocalypse week, combined. 

Someone saying, “Guys, we’re like 17 or 18 again,” interrupted the stomping elephants. Five was pretty sure it was Klaus. It was Diego. He interrupted again:

“You’re not 13 anymore, Five” 

“Great,” Five said through clenched teeth. 

“Ben,” Allison gasped. 

Five guessed that part of his massive headache must have been the strain of somehow bringing Ben back to the land of the living.  Too bad he missed the reunion. He saw Ben and then he saw the still-passed-out Vanya, and decided to follow her lead. He went down, and mercifully, it was away from the puddle of vomit. 

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

When Five woke up again, he was in his bed with Vanya sitting up on the far edge. It was still dark outside. Ben was reading a book to her in his desk chair. She had also overloaded on her powers. They probably wanted to keep watch over both of them together and decided that Ben was the least likely to piss Vanya off or something.

“Good morning, Five,” Ben said while marking his page. 

“Ben, you and Vanya-? What happened?” Five managed to rasp out. Vanya handed him a glass of water and he gulped it greedily. 

“Once you passed out, we figured out we were in the park about four blocks from home, and then Vanya woke up and started screaming, it was-”

“About what?” Five was growing more concerned as he kept talking. In the 13 years and about a week he knew Vanya, he couldn’t remember her raising her voice once. The only other time he had ever seen her vaguely angry, she blew up the moon. This must have been huge.

“Before I destroyed the house, Luther locked me in a cage Dad built to contain me when my powers got out of hand.” Vanya looked angry just talking about it.

“Why the hell would he do that? Jesus, that’s- that’s…” Five was in complete disbelief at Luther’s stupidity. 

“I know. I thought Vanya was going to kill him. He did that because Vanya used her powers to cut Allison’s throat and vocal chords. He was probably scared for the safety of others. That doesn't necessarily justify it, but...” Ben trailed off. 

Five blinked. What do you say to that anyway? If a mind reader were to look into Five’s head they would see: “My sister seriously injured my other sister, and my brother locked up the sister that did the injuring about it. What?” 

“So, we found a newspaper in the park,” Vanya said while she handed it to him.

“August 29th, 1994. That’s… weird.” Five was referring to their appearances. They should be about five years old, but they looked like they were in their late teens. 

“On page six, there’s a small article that mentions the miracle birth of 43 children that were all promptly adopted after October 1, 1975. We’re 16,” Vanya said. “You were only out for a few hours so in about 10 minutes it will be the 30th” 

Five flipped to page six. 

Tension In the Scientific Community

By Gerald Driver

  There has been tension between scientists ever since the spontaneous births of 43 children on October 1, 1975. Some scientists are arguing that they should have gotten a chance to study the mothers and children before Sir Reginald Hargreeves adopted them. 

  One scientist, Dr. Michael Harding argues, “We should have been able to see what happened. If this happens to other women this could be very bad. We were lucky that these women were all able to give birth and all parties survived. How can we prevent this in the future?”

  It has been almost 17 years since the miracle birth. If it were going to happen again, it would have. 

  Another scientist, Dr. Olivia Spencers, has stated, “I don’t see the need to experiment on children.”

  She seems to have the right idea. Children are precious regardless of how they were born or who their fathers, or lack thereof, are. No child should have to grow up experimented on. 

  We attempted to reach Sir Reginald Hargreeves, but he was unavailable for comment. 

Gerald Driver must be very young or very new. It was one of the worst articles Five had ever read, but it was informative for their purposes. 

Five looked up from the article to see Vanya and Ben who were waiting for him to finish reading it. Five always thought Vanya and Ben were the two most tolerable out of the whole house. God, he missed them. He must have had a strange look on his face because Ben put his book down on the bedside table and tentatively took his hand in a gentle way that didn’t feel as overwhelming as other touches have felt since the apocalypse. Vanya gave him a small smile, but she did not move to touch him. 

“We should sleep. Tomorrow we can see what changed and talk to the others. For tonight, we should just get to bed.” Ben slowly moved to get up. Five was beginning to feel tired again anyway. He said his goodnights to Ben and Vanya and then walked over to his lightswitch to shut it off. Then he heard Allion speak through the door. 

“Vanya, I wanted to talk to you.” Her voice was soft and delicate in a way Five had never heard in his life, but he recognised as nearly maternal. 

“Allison- Allison I am so, so sorry.” It hurt to hear Vanya pleading like that. Her voice sounded a bit strained. She was probably about to cry from guilt. Five felt uncomfortable, but he continued to listen even after he turned his light off. 

“No, Vanya, I was wrong, I shouldn’t have tried to-” 

“Allison I was irrational, you were probably going to calm me down, right? I am so sorry-”

“Want to call it even? I tried to rumor you, you temporarily took my powers. We both did shitty things to each other.” Allison sounded strange. Her voice was a bit hoarse and her tone was a bit off from the sister he remembered. She must be near tears too, Five thought. 

“I’ll take it. We both need to work on the whole sisters thing, huh,” Vanya was still strained, but she could pass for normal if Five wasn’t paying as much attention. 

Five felt like he had walked in on a very private moment. He heard two pairs of feet walking down the hall, and then decided to close his door, and finally go to sleep. “After the hell week I’ve had, I deserve it,” was Five’s last thought before his head hit the pillow and he drifted off to sleep without extreme exhaustion or alcohol. It was the best sleep he had gotten in nearly 46 years.

[pettyelves]

take what we want

If there was one thing Eilithe and Kurel held in common-- it was deeply rooted pettiness. None were safe from mostly light-hearted needling-- not employees, not old friends, not their own children-- and certainly not each other. 

There was a whole list of a reasons why Eilithe Duskbringer wanted to gut Captain Leeder for calling her Mistress Duskbringer. The first and largest reason-- was that she got Kurel An’Diel started.

Mistress. Yes, Mistress. You won’t do shit, Mistress.  All night at the outdoor cafe, he grated her with the title. It was perhaps, amusing the first seven times-- but by the end of the night it was dragging irritation over her entire body.  Every time was pointed reminder.

Mistress, not Missus.  It was around the fortieth utterance of her ‘new title’ that she decided. And perhaps this was an excuse-- a moment that she could point to and say. I warned you~ in a teasing sing-song.  At the end, it was because she wanted something he had-- and by the rights of his own rules. She could take it. 

Despite his irritating her the length of the group outing, that night she went to bed with him in lust. Their night left her only two hours to speak of for sleeping, before she rose out of bed with darkness still heavy on the harbor. She’d cooked breakfast and gotten out the front door before the bells for first light had a chance to ring. 

By nine bells, it was finished. 

Evidence of the depths Eilithe was willing to go to to A) get what she wanted, and B) get revenge on Kurel An’Diel were left in a place where she knew it would do the most damage. Reveria, her dear-- sweet sister-in-law, was many things. Among the good and the bad, Reveria did love some juicy gossip. So on Tuesday morning, Reveria would find a folder placed upon her desk, neatly in the center. Every page and document 

NOTICE OF LEGAL NAME CHANGE

Read the first page, followed by a notarized statement of legal change of Eilithe’s name on her Alliance papers. A placeholder was left in the file for the Horde version of said papers. Next came the slew of payroll and Dead Sun-specific papers. All with the same change to the signature at the bottom of it. The coup de gras, however, was the finally page-- which was a certified copy which read: 

CERTIFICATION OF MARRIAGE This certifies that on August 25th, in the 37th year ADP, that Eilithe Duskbringer and Kur’elnth An’Diel were joined in marriage. 

Kurel’s signature was made pointedly different than Eilithe’s and held a series of chicken scratch marks more than an actual name. If compared to the original deed for the Empress-- the signature was an exact match. 

But beside that was the big, bold, and proud swooping of Eilithe’s own handwriting and it read: 

By the time anyone, groom included, knew of her nuptials-- she’d be aboard The Vengeance and half-way to Pandaria.

[ @kurel-andiel @revthepunchbear ] 

[forgiven-whimsy]

Birthday Story time!

Tuesday was my 37th birthday, was mostly just a day, kids were being their usual end of summer kid selves, we had cake, sang happy birthday, and I put littlest bug to bed. Husband was being snippy, and it was obvious something was bothering him, but he had gone out of his was to be extra sweet, ordered me some new slippers, and even made me a hair appointment cause he know I hate calling and making appointments, so pretty decent low key birthday, just the way I like it.

A quick aside, Sunday was raid night, we're on Eden 2 savage progression, we're hitting the enrage, so we're close, but I had an off night, my uptime was in the shitter. I play white mage, I reached out to my co healer and have some solid strategies to improve and I was excited to implement them on Wednesday, which was second raid night, we only raid 2 nights a week.

Back to the story, after putting littlest bug to bed, and husband tucking the two older bugs to bed we head down to watch some wrestling and hang out with husband. He apologizes to me for being short tempered and off, and then proceeds to tell me why....and man....here we go.

So we raid with a bunch of friends we've known since game launch, we've been playing with these folks on and off for roughly 6 years, not always on the same raid teams, but we know each other and consider each other friends. Back when husband and me came back from our hiatus 2 weeks before Shadowbringers (we were gone almost the entirety of Stormblood, so about 2 years, I stopped raiding after final coil, cause I had just had a baby, and couldn't commit to raid times....cause baby, so the last time I seriously raided was about 4.5 ish years ago) a bunch of them got really excited and wanted to know if we were able and wanted to raid again. Husband and me jumped at the chance. We had 6/8 people ready to go and so raid lead starts recruiting the last two dps we'll need. He was adamant throughout this that this was a casual raid with friends, no pressure, 2 nights a week is hardly competitive progression, and that me and husband being rusty in our roles was no problem. I even spoke to him privately, explaining it's literally been years, and that I can be slow to learn, but I'll give it my all and that once I get a mechanic...I get it, but so long as they can be patient with me, and accept those things, I'll put the work in to improve.

Back to Tuesday night, husband let's me know that I've been cut from the team. Raid lead not only went to my husband instead of me to cut me, he never discussed the issues he was having with me, never gave me a chance to improve, even after me and my co healer had come up with some strategies and advice for me to use. He cuts me without any consultation from any of the team, he tells my husband he doesn't think I can hack it in the tier in general, and that he would be replacing me. Husband got the discord message at around 9am and gave him the entire day to reconsider and make a better call. He goes on to contact the rest of the team to see what they know about this, no one has heard boo, also, no one has any issues with me or our rate of progression, they noticed I'd had an off night on Sunday, but we all have off nights, and didn't think anything of it. Husband goes back to raid lead, reminding him of the expectations of the raid group as a whole and how he was going back on his word, how he was prioritizing a game over actual friendship, how it was unfair to cut me without giving me a chance to improve, and that it goes without saying if I get cut, he's leaving, Husband waited until 8pm to tell me. So there goes a tank and a healer.

News gets out, and our dancer, who was one of our new recruits, and the only other woman on the team, decides no thanks, turns out me and husband were her favorite people on the team and she writes to me letting me know how much she cares about me and how welcome I made her feel, and how the decision is garbage, and that girls stick together.( her voice through the guys off, she stated her pronouns I immediately switched to her preferred pronouns and carried on like nothing and the rest of the team fell in line.) So a most welcome ride or die! 

So keep in mind we still haven't filled our 8th position, and raid lead now needs to fill not 2 but 4 spots. My co healer, the one person in the entire team who husband and I are closest to, the one who really pushed for us to come back to the game is feeling shitty and pissed in equal measure. He's getting in raid leaders face, calling him out on the bs, going to bat for me. Second tank and dragoon are also pissed, they don't care about the rate of progression, they both just wanted to play with friends and do some raiding, especially now that raid lead is changing his tune, suggesting two more raid nights, talking better parses upping everyone's game, ect ect...so we end Tuesday there. Raid leader has yet to contact me directly btw, he hasn't said a goddamn word to me about cutting me directly.

Wednesday morning, after a shitty sleep, and littlest bug waking multiple times has me and husband cranky, but I'm going to a theater festival with my mom to go see Othello, something I've been looking forward to for months I refuse to let this fuckery ruin my mood. The sad disappointment has turned to angry indignation, and I'm determined to be petty by continuing to play, in raid leads fc, that he invited me to, I am determined not to run away and cry and hide like I normally would, I am determined to be a duck and let this roll off my back in the most passive aggressive way possible...since you know, he still hasn’t technically cut me, CAUSE HE HASN’T TALKED TO ME! 

I have the best day yesterday, the production of Othello was one of the best I've ever seen, we had a fantastic lunch, got to connect with my mom who I'm really close with. Get the kids to bed, and husband, who is as petty as me suggests we log in at raid time with our dancer friend and run maps and other content. We get on I have an ingame mail, it's from raid lead, he's apologizing, not for cutting me, not for being a coward and not speaking to me directly, not for refusing to give me a chance to improve, no no, he's apologizing for doing it on my birthday. He sent me a flying bed mount, it's currently on the market board for 10.5 million gil, I did not reply to the letter. We find tank 2 and co healer in discord, so we hop on to shoot the shit, and chat, cause we're all buddies. Second tank asks us if we we're still interested in raiding, with the same team.....minus raid leader. Husband, dancer and me are like, hell fucking yes we are!!

And that's the story of how my old raid leader kicked himself out of his own raid team.

We refer to the flying bed as the hush money bed, the rest of the team is upset they also didn’t get a flying bed for the upheaval the wanker caused. Dude is throwing a pity party threatening to quit the game....no one cares. It’s been almost 6 years of him pulling shit like this, people are done with his bull shit.

SO if any of you play a dps class on Aether and are looking for a ridiculous, fun and easy going raid team to join who have zero tolerance when it comes to drama, we have two spots open, knowledge of your class is a bonus, but a good attitude and willingness to learn and improve is more important. We run Sundays and Wednesdays from 8-11 est. A caster and physical dps are preferred but we're willing to try a myriad of dps. Our current comp is: pld/drk, sch/whm, drg/dnc. shoot me a message here, or hit me up on Shiloh Mitka on Midgarsormr in game. 

[life-ingwithme-blog]

New day, new breakfast. A new beginning. A new beginning, for the 37th time this year.

Whilst I made myself breakfast -the one in the picture, I was feeling good about life. I was looking forward to it. I was motivated. I may have not looked the best, but I knew that I had the potential to change that. Flip my life the other way around. I could be happy, confident, social, beautiful.

All these thoughts whilst I prepared an omelette and a few tomatoes.

24th of June, I had enough of it. Enough of feeling bad and not being able to look at my own reflection. I remember crying pointlessly for hours. It was torture; hating yourself. Now, hate is a strong word and I strongly did hate myself. I still do, but I guess it’s sometimes difficult to accept that. I had started to avoid looking after myself, doing stuff I enjoyed doing. All of the hate and that feeling of worthlessness bottled up inside of me, somehow. And that feeling finally arrived; the-do-something. And so I did. (So I thought.)

Sat in front of my laptop, wrote a long ass paragraph about how I truly felt and how from this day and on, I’d add some changes into my life and become my old happy self. (My ass.)

Wrote the paragraph, read it a few times. Went to sleep. At this point, I knew for a fact that I wouldn’t be eating anything unhealthy, I wouldn’t ditch the gym when I didn’t feel like it. I will clean my face every morning. Drink 3 litres of water every day. Study hard every day. Be social every day.

It just seemed so possible, at that moment. Just as I was about to go to sleep.

And so I woke up, ridiculously excited to prepare this ‘healthy’ breakfast that symbolized the beginning of my new life. Even took a picture, because why not.

Funny enough, this had happened exactly a month ago. Am I super healthy and pretty and clean and social and successful right now? Nope.

On my second day, I saw a chocolate bar and went for it straight away without thinking.

The other day, there wasn’t anything decent to eat at home, so I ordered fried chicken.

Oh, let me tell you about the joy I feel, that warm feeling inside, when I eat food. That’s majorly unhealthy.

I feel so good. It’s unreal. The telly’s on, a thriller, a comedy, romance.

I eat, eat, eat. I don’t even realize what or how much I am eating at this point.

Once I’m done, here comes the regret. The feeling of failure. Worthless.

Physically or mentally, I feel like shit after eating food that’s shit for my body.

Why don’t I stop myself when I know I can? When I know that it will benefit me in the future? It’ll make me be happy once again.

I’m at a point in my life where I can easily compare myself to everyone and everything. And I always manage to find something that’s wrong with me and my body.

Physically and mentally.

It’s 40 degrees outside and I can’t wear a short-sleeved t-shirt.

I get invited to boat trips, to the beach, to some house party.

Yet, all I think about is

What am I going to wear?

Is it going to make me look fat?

Are the people coming going to look better than me?

I feel excited when I get an invite out; to meet up with friends, to do something.

Nowadays the excitement fades within minutes and the invitations are always rejected.

I sit at home, in my bed. And do nothing.

This is not me.

My plan right now, was to post the previous paragraph I had written a month ago, before I made myself that breakfast in the picture. But when I went on my Notes app to copy it, I somehow managed to delete the whole thing. I tried pressing ‘Undo’ but it just did not work.

I was quite bummed about it at first, I really wasn’t planning on writing again. But when I thought about it, maybe I had face the fact that, I wasn’t motivated like I was back when I wrote that paragraph.

It consisted sentences like ‘I will eat healthy, I will be social, I will change my life,’ etc and right now, I don’t believe in that crap, not even a little bit.

Though I would like to.

To me, this picture represents failure. I’ve put in all my work, all of my motivation into this plate. Just /knowing/ that this was it, my life was going to change. It didn’t work out.

Yet, I suppose you have to fail in order to know what failure genuinely feels like, so that you won’t ever want to face it again.

I’m not promising myself anything. I’m not going to put any pressure on myself either. I’ll try to avoid using I will’s and I won’t’s.

I just want to give it my best go.

[scoups4lyfe]

Journal Entries (3)

These are all mood journal entries (so super short / concise) of mine; where I chart my daily moods over a period of time.

These go up to when I stopped mood journaling

(which I didn't start doing again until this last month or so, why I stopped? I don't know I was hypomanic-manic from OCT 2021 up to a majority of 2022; and got caught up in life that I forgot to mood journal. That -- and a lot o the time I felt I was doing "good" and when I'm doing good I forget to journal....lol. Anyways, seeing as I was hypomanic for months on end I, uh....wasn't as 'good' as I thought I was hghgnhghngh.) )

Part: [1], [2], [3], [4] Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], {5}, [6]

ok.

Wednesday August 4th 2021 (43rd)

took meds: yes (8:45 AM) 

Mood: 8/10

Energy: 7.7/10 (8:46am) 

Woke up at 6AM 

(2:43 PM: I still feel pretty good. Mood: 8/10, energy: 7.5/10) :))

I got a lot of work done today: reading, writing, exercising, turning in a job app >:))

...

Friday August 6th 2021 (45th) (2nd) 

taken 2 meds: yes x2 (9:48 am) 

(10:30 am) m: 6.5/10  e: 6.2/10 

(1:33pm) Had 1 shot of espresso in my frapp and dawg. If Jaemin gets

three shots of espresso homie really do be on another plane of existence.

(2 pm) m: 8/10  e: 7.8/10

(5:49 pm) m: 8/10 e: 7.8/10

Did you get work done? Baby you got 8/10 of your work done. 

Overall day: Amazing. Brilliant. Fantastic. My crops are watered.

...

Tuesday Aug 10th 2021 (49th) (6th)

taken 2 meds? Yes (11:20 am) 

Broooo I couldn’t fall asleep until 5:30am last night and had to be up by 9:30am for my food sensitivity appointment. Rippppp. I feel like crap. I should’ve taken a melatonin. 

...

Saturday Aug 14th 2021 (53rd) (10th)

taken two meds? Yes (1:07pm)

M:6/10  e:6/10 

I feel nice, pretty normal, a little wired sometimes. I was somewhat productive.

....

Monday Aug 16th 2021 (55th) (12th)

took 2 meds? Yes (6:32 pm) 

I don’t really feel good so I’m gonna try and go to sleep (it’s 9:50 pm).

Last night / these last few days I’ve been having trouble sleeping :(. 

...

Thursday Aug 19th 2021 (58th) (15th)

took two meds? YES (12:20 pm) 

Broooooo I read and read and didn’t stop reading yesterday. Exactly 24 hrs or a bit more—  solidly awake. 

...

Sunday Sept 5th 2021 (74th) (31st) 

took two meds? YES.(12:35 pm) 

Mood: 2/10. Energy: —— 

No will to do anything. Didn’t want to even get out of bed. Taking my meds helped, but I still didn’t want to do anything and slept all day. 

...

Tuesday Sept 7th 2021 (76th) (33rd) 

took two meds? YES (3:49 PM) 

The no energy/mood to do anything continues.

...

Wednesday Sept 8th 2021 (77th) (34th)

took two meds? YES (7:35 PM) 

I slept mostly all day when I didn’t need to…but now I feel a lot better than I did previously? 

...

Thursday Sept 9th 2021 (78th) (35th)

took two meds? YES (9:52 pm) 

Got obsessive with reading and lost sight of reality 

...

?????

NOTE: I black-out from thursday the 9th to Saturday the 11th. I don't remember sh*t that happened at all between that time, hence the '?????' -- Which was actually written down on my phone in the mood journal (LOL)

...

Saturday Sept 11th 2021 (79th) (36th)

took two meds? YES (1:36 pm) 

Hmm I feel okay? Maybe a bit tired. 

...

Sunday Sept 12th 2021 (80th) (37th) 

took two meds? YES (2:17 pm) 

I got some work done. But I’m still not in the realm of reality, it seems.

...

Friday Sept 17th 2021 (85th) (42nd) 

took two meds? YES (5:51 pm)

Really struggling to get work done, but I at least did a little bit today. (Seeing as I haven’t done sh*t in like 10 days :///) 

...

Saturday Sept 18th 2021 (86th) (43rd)

took two meds? YES (5:51pm) 

Got a shit ton of work done both with writing and I did all of my laundry!!

...

Tuesday Sept 21st 2021 (88th) (45th)

took two meds? YES 

(Basically skipped Monday cause I slept through Monday …) 

...

Monday: Oct 18th 2021 (115) (72)

took two meds? YES (12 pm) 

For the last two weeks I’ve slept only 4 hours each night. Sometimes less. But I’m not tired? 

...

Monday Oct 25th 2021 (122) (79)

took two meds? Yes (11:46 am) 

I slept perhaps 2 hrs last night (9am to 11:30 am) but God is with me and I feel good and awake. So praise God. Thank you Lord, Amen. <333

Mood: 7.5/10. Energy:7.5/10 

[End of Mood Journal Entries]

NOTE: Moving forward the rest of the entries are from my journal and then my online journal -- the mood journaling only continues around OCT and NOV of 2022

[Prev] [Next]

[frozenfauna]

Don’t Forget

Marcus de la Cruz/F!MC - Till Death Do Us Part

Marcus belongs to @electricpuke!

Summary: Marcus’s 37th birthday needs to be special.

!: This story is a lot darker than the previous two! Please keep that in mind. The beginning starts out fluffy but the fic features some explicit heavy themes this time around. Additionally, one of the scenes in this fic is a re-imagining of a scene in the game itself! While I changed most of the details, I did take inspiration from the game itself. If you haven't played tddup, you're missing out! :3 Warning: This fic features NSFW content. This is being crossposted from AO3, you can find the story here. IRL friends don’t read this please, lmao.

Today was a special day… It was Marcus’s 37th birthday. He had insisted on not making a big deal out of the day, despite your protests. Things had been hard lately, though, and you wanted to give him a special day. Marcus had been working more than usual, and more often than not, he was getting ready to leave by the time you got up. Since the incident in the library, things had been a bit strained. A discussion about boundaries turned into your first real argument. You loved him – you truly did – but he was difficult. But maybe, you had thought, today would turn things around. You had a lot you wanted to thank him for… From the first day you met him, he had always dropped everything to come see you, despite his busy work schedule. Though the woes of domesticity were clouding your relationship, those first few months were a whirlwind. He was different than your past partners in many ways. He had even let you move in – insisted, even – after two months of dating.

---

“You realize you’ve spent the night here every day this week?” Marcus said, shoveling some of the breakfast you had made for him into his mouth. He swallowed quickly, noticing your face had fallen a little. “Not that I mind.”

You felt your cheeks heat up. Shit. Marcus was right. In your defense, you lived in a dingy studio apartment. It was all you could afford. Marcus lived in a house much closer to your college. It was sparsely decorated, but it was nice. He had taken you furniture shopping a couple weeks ago and told you to pick out items you liked. It was a bit odd, considering it was his house, but he cited his bachelor lifestyle as the reason he needed help.

“I like it though. You’re safe here.” He took another bite, winking at you. “You should move in.”

You dropped your fork onto your plate, splattering bits of egg on the table. Did he really just say that? It had only been two months… But you had never met someone like Marcus before.

“I… I don’t know. I appreciate the offer, but…” You trailed off, noting his face had suddenly turned serious.

“I love you. I want you here. I want to take care of you.” He put down his fork and reached to put his hand on yours. “If you move in, you don’t have to worry about your job. You can just focus on finishing school.” The offer was tempting, especially the part about quitting my job. Rent was monthly, so breaking your lease wasn’t an issue. It seemed like a bad idea – (how many alarm bells are going off in my head right now) – but something about Marcus made it hard to say no. His hand squeezed yours gently, waiting for an answer.

“You know what? I accept your offer.” You said, heart answering over mind. Marcus stood up from the table and leaned down to wrap you in a tight hug, his familiar cologne lingering on his clothes. You really did feel safe with him.

“Let’s pack tonight. I want you here as soon as possible.” His lips were grazing your ear as he spoke, and you felt his hands move to stroke your hips. “Wanna celebrate?”

Well, you did both have the day off today. You kissed his neck in response, hand moving to grope his already hard cock. You were gonna celebrate, all right.

---

You giggled to yourself as you thought of that morning. Things could go back to how they were before. (You love him.) You looked at the clock. It was already half past 7 P.M., and Marcus was supposed to be home by 6:30 P.M. You felt a familiar pit in your stomach. The nature of his job often had your stomach in knots, but concerns were always met with a brick wall. He’d kiss you, and tell you he’d be fine, but he refused to go deeper than that. Still… a text couldn’t hurt?

Before you could get your phone out of your pocket, you heard the familiar jingle of keys unlocking the door, relief flooding your body. You stood up from the couch and jogged to the front door to greet him, making it just in time for the door to open. You smiled at him, noticing how tired he looked today. He glanced at you and shut the door behind him without his usual greeting. Something was wrong. Still, you wanted to celebrate his birthday.

“Happy birthday, babe!” You wrapped your arms around his body, his uniform’s surprisingly soft material a comforting feeling. After a moment, he hugged you in return. Marcus was usually never wasted a second pouncing on you the moment he walked in the door. You felt your stomach twist. Your arms dropped from his body and you took a step back, looking at his sullen expression.

“Marcus, what’s wrong?” You said, watching his face. He leaned to take his shoes off, silent. He was the talkative one in the relationship. “Marcus?”

“Nothing, nothing.” He said, arms crossing. His muscles were even more noticeable when he stood like that, and you felt yourself flush a little. “… Nothing you would care about.”

You stared at him incredulously. Something must have set him off – you racked your brain for things you had said this past week, people you had talked to. It shouldn’t be this hard with him, but it was.

“Of course I do, Marcus. Please tell me what’s wrong. I don’t want to ruin your birthday.” You smiled, hoping it would perk him up a little. He took a step forward, forcing you to put your back against the wall. His tall form intimidated you.

“I know you don’t wanna ruin it, babe. But you really hurt me today.” He placed his arms on either side of you, forcing you to look up at him. “If you didn’t want to ruin it, why were you talking to another guy today?”

Marcus had been more possessive lately – checking your texts before you got to them, looking at your call log, asking for passwords – but you chalked it up to his absence around the house. He just wanted to keep you safe, right? You would never hurt him intentionally. He was gazing at you intensely, expression unreadable.

“That was just an acquaintance from college. We’re in the same class, Marcus. He’s not even a friend.” You bit your lip and looked at him. Had he been reading your text messages? Just breathe, you told yourself. (He loves you.)

“Mmm. I guess. Just…” Marcus trailed off, squeezing his eyes tightly. He exhaled sharply. “Please let me know who you’re talking to, yeah?”

You nodded, and he placed a kiss on your forehead. His expression still hadn’t perked up, though.

“Do you still want to go out tonight? I already messaged some of your friends.” you said. He cocked his head to the side and smiled in response. His arms moved from the wall and he leaned forward, holding you tightly.

“I don’t need them when I have you. You’re all I want tonight.” He scooped you into his arms before you could protest, groping your ass harshly in the process. “Don’t you want to give me something special tonight, kitten?”

You felt a familiar warmth in your groin at the nickname, the nervous feeling from earlier finally gone. (He loves you, and you love him.) Marcus took you to the bedroom and placed you on the bed, straddling you in the process. He was heavy, but the weight felt nice. You leaned forward and ran your fingers through his hair, eliciting a small groan from him.

You can already feel how hard Marcus is against your thin pajamas, not yet dressed for the evening you had planned. He ruts against you, neck on your throat kissing it gently. You try to lock your hands with his, but he pushes away, the sudden absence of friction leaving you wanting.

“Give me a minute, kitten…” Marcus says, moving off you. You watch as he removes his uniform, taking the time to throw it in the hamper. His boxers remained, but you could see the precum leaking through the front already. “Close your eyes.”

His tone was commanding, and you complied. It was his birthday, after all. The sound of the end table being open alerted you, the contents inside clinking as Marcus dug through them. Must be his side, you thought. Another moment passed before you felt Marcus climb back onto the bed, this time sitting next to you. You opened your eyes, immediately noticing the knife in Marcus’s hand. You felt your heart jump. (He loves me.)

“M-marcus? Why do you have that?” You said, voice shaking.

“Don’t you want to give me something special today? This can be your present for me.” He smiled, running the blade gently on your arm. You shuddered as the blade pricked your skin. “Strip.”

“What is this?” You didn’t know how else to respond. He gave you a dark look and roughly pulled your pants off. You moved to take your shirt off, not wanting him to get angrier. He looked at you and licked his lips.

“I want you to show your love for me. Permanently.” His eyes were locked with yours as he spoke, his gaze intense. “And I want it to be… personal.”

Your stomach twisted at his words, pinpricks of anxiety scattering on your skin. Marcus smoothed his hands over your thighs, what should be a tender touch feeling predatory. His hands stopped mid-thigh, his fingers tracing your skin. His touch was light.

“I could do it here,” he mused, fingers still slowly tracing your skin. “It’ll be like our secret, something only you and I will ever share.”

His tone was menacing, breath hitching in your throat as his hands began to move again, stopping to rest at your hips this time. He squeezed your hip bones, hard enough to make you wince.

“Or maybe here… I could give you matching marks then.” He chuckled, looking at you for a response. You calculated in your head for a moment, familiar mantra filling your head. (He loves me. He loves me.) You smiled at him. “That’s my girl. I knew you’d like this idea, kitten.”

You shifted underneath him, his nickname rousing something in you. He noticed and moved to press his free hand against your crotch, rubbing your clit over your panties.

“If you’re a good kitten, you’ll get a reward. But you need to behave.” He took his hand away and a whine left your throat, wanting more. He climbed over you again, pressing his cock into you. “Not yet.”

He leaned forward, lips grazing your collar bone, his right hand ghosting above your neck.

“If I did it here, everyone would know you belong to me.” His lips pressed down, his gentle kiss quickly turning into an open mouth sucking harshly on your neck. A light moan escaped you and he lifted his mouth, a loud popping sound filling the air. “Mmm, I think I like those types of marks better here. They’re different every time.”

You were silently relieved. Your heart was still pounding in your chest, mind racing wildly. (You love him. He’s safe.) He moved off you and sat beside you, his eyes trailing up and down your body.

“I think…” He said, hesitating long enough to make you squirm. “We should make it our secret.”

Marcus spread your legs apart forcefully, examining your thighs. He stared for a moment before pressing the blade against your inner right thigh. The blade was cold against your skin, a sharp contrast to Marcus’s warm hand that was pressed into your leg. Your breathing was shallow and uneven. Marcus noticed, and he leaned forward to press his lips against your forehead.

“Shh, it’s okay kitten. I’ve got you.” His words were tender, but the blade pressed against your skin wasn’t. “Nod when you’re ready.”

(he loves me he loves me he loves me)

Your heart dropped. For a moment, you thought he might change his mind. Maybe he’d take you to a tattoo parlor instead to get cheesy matching tattoos. You thought he was that person… maybe if you behaved, he would be. You nodded, and Marcus hummed in approval as you braced for the cut. For a moment, the air felt thick. His hand hesitated and he looked at you once more as your body shook.

He pressed the blade into your skin and you groaned loudly, suppressing the scream that you wanted to let out. Marcus seemed to have no response as he carefully carved an M into your thigh, blood trickling down your leg onto the bed. The pain was bearable, but the sting afterwards was worse than the cut itself.

Marcus pulled the knife from your skin, repositioning it. “You doing okay, baby?”

Tears pricked at your eyes. You didn’t understand him right now, his face laced with genuine concern. (you love him) Maybe, you thought, it won’t be so bad. You nodded, and he smiled in response.

“It’ll be over soon. 5 more letters to go. Don’t you wish I went by Marc right now?” A deep laugh left him, and you felt your face grow hot. He hadn’t given you a choice in the matter. He was actually enjoying this. (but he still loves me)

A moment later he sunk the blade into your skin again, the impact feeling less severe the second time. You winced as he put a line through the A, the blade crossing into your already sliced skin. He carefully delivered cut after cut, each letter thoughtfully placed. You closed your eyes, trying to be anywhere but here. Marcus remained silent, occasionally stopping to wipe blood from your leg. Your body was still shaking, his steady hand on your thigh fighting the movement.

“You’re being so good, kitten. So, so good…” Marcus’s voice was quiet. You opened your eyes for a moment, looking at him. His face was flushed, his cock still hard underneath his boxers. You looked at your leg, the harsh red cuts standing out on your skin. You looked away as he moved to cut the S, the curves proving to be extra painful. You clamped your hand over your mouth, trying to keep quiet.

Marcus leaned back to admire his work, gently pressing a towel against your leg. You felt weak as you opened your eyes again to watch him. You realized you had gone clammy, sweat rolling down your forehead. Marcus looked at you, a gentle smile crossing his face. (you love him)

“See, kitten? That wasn’t so bad. I love you so much.” He threw the bloodied towel aside and moved on top of you, his leg pressing uncomfortably into the cuts. You let out a small scream and stuck his fingers into your mouth. “Be good.”

You felt the hot sting of tears behind your eyes again, cuts burning against his weight. You sucked on his fingers and he moaned, rocking against you. You bit down gently, enough for Marcus to shift slightly.

He gave you smirk, the bite only making him rock against you harder. He pulled his fingers out of your mouth and pinned your hands to the bed.

“And you were being so good…” He cooed, pressing his weight into your wrists. A moan ripped from your throat, half pain and half pleasure. He let go of your hands but quickly flipped you over, pinning your arms behind your back. You heard him take off his boxers and felt his cock at your entrance, rubbing you through your panties. His grip on your wrists was tight, strong enough to hold them together with one hand.

He pushed your panties aside roughly, rubbing your entrance with his cock again, head grazing your clit. You felt his cock move away, replaced by a finger from his free hand. He rubbed you for a moment before inserting a finger, testing to see if you were wet. A moan left you, his finger pumping inside of you. Your thigh burned but the pain was beginning to become bearable.

“I took it a little easy since you behaved, kitten. But don’t expect anything else.” Marcus withdrew his finger and you pushed yourself back, the absence leaving you burning. He didn’t bother to take your panties off, cock at your entrance again. Without warning he slammed inside of you, thick cock stretching you apart. He moaned loudly, not bothering to start slow. His hand gripped your wrists even tighter as he pushed your face into the bed with his rough strokes, headboard slamming against the wall.

His free hand was suddenly in your hair, pulling you up roughly. You screamed in pleasure and pain again, the sensations mixing. He pulled your head back as he thrust into you even harder, his breathing heavy behind you. You wanted to badly to be able to look at him, to touch him, even now. He yanked your head back again, his thrusts becoming erratic.

Marcus slams into you again and again, pushing himself as deep as he can go, grip on your wrists loosening as he starts to lose himself. A whimper leaves you, the burning sensation of your thigh and the feeling of him buried deep inside leaving you breathless.

“Kitten, kitten… I’m so close,” Marcus groans, his voice shaky. “I need to fill you up.”

He pulls your hair again, snapping your head back rougher than before. His hips slam into you with his final thrusts, and he finally releases, cock pulsing inside you. He pumps into a few more times before he pulls out, leaving you feeling empty. (he loves you) He releases his grip on your wrists and gently rolls you over, appraising the mess he made of you.

“I love you so much, you’re so perfect baby. Perfect.” Marcus says, leaning to kiss you on your sweaty forehead. Your body is still shaking with want, but Marcus pulls you up, wrapping his arms around you. Your leg & core burn, god they burn (but you love him), and you want Marcus to fix it. He’s whispering sweet nothings in your ear, rubbing your back gently, but all you can feel is the burning of your thigh, cuts bright red still. He puts his arms down and gently leans you back instead. His hand moves to trace his name etched into your thigh.

“I love you, I’ll never stop loving you. You made my birthday special.” His gaze meets yours, sullen expression from earlier replaced with something between sinister and loving. “But don’t forget who you belong to ever again.”

(you love him, he loves you)

Things had turned around today. It was his 37th birthday. The day had to be special, right?

(he’ll always love you, don't forget he loves you, never forget who you belong to)

[bobbyseyesmile]

Blood Money - Chapter 4

GENRE: Mafia AU, Angst, Mentioning of violence 

Chapter 4 

"Why is it always me? Am I the damn babysitter for you?"

Jiyong sat relaxed in his leather chair and stared at his little brother. Seungri stormed furiously into his office and whined for ten minutes about how he would be treated unfairly. Actually, Jiyong didn’t had time for this, he had to plan a party. And to be honest he wanted to kick his little brothers ass right out of his office... However, Jiyong loved Seungri and no matter what came to the little ones mind again, most of the time the elder fulfilled his wishes.

The fact that Seungri was the youngest and an unplanned child, made him living in the shadows of his two older brothers. It was crystal clear that he could never take over the top position, which was intended for the eldest, Seunghyun, and even if he renounced, it went automatically to the second oldest. In that case, Jiyong.

Nevertheless, Seungri worked his balls off with so much enthusiasm and competitive spirit, it impressed his two older brothers but also concerned them at the same time.

"What? Have you swallowed your tongue?" Seungri folded his arms.

"Don’t be so sassy..." Jiyong muttered quietly. He had a headache and preferred his bed at the moment and a few hours of sleep.  "No, of course you're not the babysitter. But we can’t leave that girl alone, who knows what stupid shit comes to her mind. I need Seunghyun for the party tonight, we plan to intensify some relations. I also need Taeyang as my personal bodyguard and Daesung is our sniper. Do you see the connections, small Seungri?"

Jiyong took the legs of his desk and sat upright now in his chair. Seungri sat opposite of him and looked to the ground.

"I just ask you to take care of her. Only tonight. For the next party you’re in, okay? It is only for today. Anyway, the problem will be solved in a few days."

"Solved?" the younger asked and looked skeptically at his brother.  "What do mean with solved?"

"Don’t be so dumb, Seungri. You know exactly what happens with hostages."

Jiyong’s voice sounded calm, as if he'd just talk about a boring football game. Seungri couldn’t believe it. They wanted to kill her...?

"You want to... kill her?"

"Of course." The elder looked at him closely. What else? What should Jiyong do with a spoiled brat if not fucking kill her after she was used for their benefit.

"But what's the point in that? She said that she could not help us! Her father is bankrupt after all.” Seungri sounded somehow angry and Jiyong looked at him skeptically. He had a nasty suspicion and hoped that he was wrong.

"Seungri? The girl doesn’t means anything to you, or?"

"No! That's not it. I don't care but why must we kill her for it? She doesn’t even like her father and has nothing on the hat with all his business!"

"And what do you suggest otherwise? Should we let her go?" Jiyong asked and lit himself a cigarette at the same time. "Or no, even better, we just drop her off. At the Bahamas! There she is safe."

Seungri immediately recognized the sarcastic tone in the voice of his brother. He somehow knew that Jiyong would be deaf for his suggestion to let Allison live, but still, he was hoping that his brother would understand it. That they had an innocent young girl in their hand.

"If you really want to mock me with such a crap, then fucking warn me the next time. I do not approve to this bullshit just because you're a coward. Pull yourself together or leave. But if you continue with that attitude, better go out of my sight before I nail your ass over my fireplace. Got it?"

Jiyong couldn't believe how soft his little brother sometimes was. In many ways, he was tough as steel and he didn't care if he blew the brain out of one or ten men, but for other things, especially women and children, he was transformed into mother Theresa.

"I asked if you’d understand?" Jiyong asked again, this time much louder and with sharpness in the voice.

"Yes..." Seungri muttered back.

"Good." The elder puffed on his cigarette and also offered one to his brother. Although he didn't like it when his little brother smoked, it was a peace offer this time. Seungri took it and Jiyong gave him fire while watching him taking a deep breath of the cigarette. 

"I'm sorry. I didn’t want to yell at you." Jiyong said quietly. He knew that he sometimes treated Seungri like a toddler, and although Jiyong was just a few years older. Six to be exact. Seungri became 25 fresh and Jiyong had his 31st birthday in a few months. He hated to turn older. Seunghyun in contrast, who celebrated his 37th birthday this year, had no problem at all. He seemed to grow old in dignity and enjoyed every year that came to his life experience.

Seungri nodded and finished his cigarette.

"It's okay."

But actually it wasn’t okay. He knew that Jiyong often had mood swings and for 70% of the time, he was one of the most insufferable persons in the whole universe... On the other hand Seungri couldn’t deny the fact that Jiyong constantly worried about him and only wanted his best. Unfortunately, he showed his big brother love just very strangely...

"Listen, Ri..." Jiyong started and stubbed out his cigarette. "Maybe someday I’m not here anymore, and then it would be your turn to take over. You know Seunghyun don't want this position but we need a successor. And this would be your role. I just want to prepare you for all situations and the unexpected. Do you really think I would have made it this far if I always show mercy?"

"No." Seungri answered honestly. He knew that Jiyong was right, he only wished that his brother would be more warmhearted towards his own family.

"Well, you and Seunghyun are very similar to mom... And that is a good thing. She was the opposite of Dad whenever he freaked out again or threw a tantrum, but still, our father was never a sissy. He ruled all the underground organisations with iron fist, just after mom’s death he turned somehow... nice." Jiyong took a short break.

Her mother died eight years ago, her father seven years. Jiyong knew that Seungri was still young when he lost his parents, he was a teenager and suffered enormous under this lost. Shortly before his death, her father had married again, he just couldn’t bare all the loneliness. His second wife however, was a stupid and greedy whore, but got generously paid after his death so that she get the fuck away. Jiyong took over the entire organisation when he was only 24 and brought the business higher than his father had ever achieved it. This was because Jiyong was feared by everyone.

"Stop it." Seungri mumbled. "I don't want to hear it." He stood up and started to walk around in the large office. 

"All right, all right." Jiyong lifted his hands apologetically. He knew how sensitive his little brother responded to this topic.

"Fine... I play the babysitter for you BUT only today and for the last fucking time!" Seungri finally agreed and sighed.

And actually it didn’t sound that bad... It could be much worse than stuck with a pretty brown-haired in Seunghyun’s house. Jiyong’s party would probably be so or so boring and most of the women were just bought for an evening.

The older one smiled satisfied. He knew anyway that Seungri would have agreed sooner or later, but Jiyong didn’t want to force him.

"I know I can rely on you, Ri."

"Yeah, yeah..." the younger one muttered as he walked out of Jiyong’s office.

"Seunghyun?" Seungri yelled trough the house. Hours later after he left Jiyong he now stood in the huge Villa of his oldest brother, and was waiting for a response. Nothing.

Seungri sighed and strolled to the living room, or better said the hall. After all, an entire house would fit into this room. First he indulged himself a sip of Seunghyun’s 40-year-old scotch and then sank into his huge sofa when Seunghyun suddenly entered the room.

"I see you already made yourself comfortable." He smiled while he tied his tie.

"You look good." Seungri said and earned a smile from his brother. "Are you on a hunt for a delicious one-night stand tonight?"

Seunghyun laughed softly and are also poured himself a scotch. "I don't know yet. Depends on whether Jiyong selected  exquisite whores this time.”

"Oh, I'm sure he also selected a few male whores for you." Seungri winked knowingly.

It didn’t even surprised him a bit when Seunghyun told them that he was gay. Jiyong was visibly surprised, and somewhat concerned, but Seungri just shrugged his shoulders. He had guessed it anyway for a long time before. Seunghyun was almost never seen with a woman, he also never had a girlfriend, at least Seungri couldn’t remember if he ever saw a woman on Seunghyun’s side.

"I don't know. I think he still not so over the shock."

"About what? That you're gay? Oh come on, Jiyong is just prude and probably only likes boring vanilla sex. He is just narrow-minded. Forget it."

"Hmm... Maybe you're right." Seunghyun muttered back and settled down in front of Seungri. "And you? Playing babysitter again?"

"Hmmm..." the younger grumbled and emptied his glass within one gulp. “But it’s fine. The party’s probably fucking boring anyway.”

"For you. Because you're young and only like this club bullshit." Seunghyun laughed and Seungri grinned.

"Better than Mozart."

"We’re not listening to Mozart. But who am I telling this, you’re just a low-brow."

"Oh please..." Seungri rolled his eyes. "Save your art talks for someone else..."

"I have to go now." Seunghyun drank his scotch and put the glass on the small table next to him. "You know what you have to do?"

“Yeah... I mean, I think. Are there any rules?" Seungri raised an eyebrow.

"Actually there are some. You will not beat her, don't even touch her, you're going to be nice to her and you're careful that she’s not entering my office.”

"That's all?"

"That's all. Otherwise she can move freely in this house and do what she likes to do." Seunghyun declared and Seungri nodded.

"All right. This is going to be easy."

"She's all right. A pleasant roommate. Be nice to her."

"No need to tell me twice." The younger one smiled just as his brother put on his jacket and turned to go. Seunghyun stopped in his movements and gave him a severe look.

"And before I forget it: You're not having sex with her."

Seungri watched his older brother disappearing through the door, mouth agape. Not that he had planned things like that, but he would never reject Allison when she would make the first move. 

After a few minutes sitting on the couch and starring at the ceiling, he decided to check up on the girl. Seunghyun had ten guest rooms, therefore Seungri had to check a few rooms until he finally found Allison's. It was on the third floor besides the plant room and the library. His brother had a weakness for exotic orchids.

Well, Seungri liked Rugby and lazy evenings in front of the PlayStation but each one his own, right?

"Allison?" he asked quietly and peeked into her room. Only when he heard water splashing, he realized that she had to be in the bathroom.

Seungri decided just to wait for her and sat down on the bed while he played with his cell phone and then decided to text Daesung. The sniper of the group was also Seungri’s closest friend, and both men shared a little secret no one else knew...

Seungri chuckled to himself when suddenly the bathroom door opened. Allison didn’t even noticed the youngest of the Kwon brothers and casually walked in the room when Seungri started to laugh softly and nearly frightened her to death.

"What the...?" she squeaked and grabbed her racing heart.

Seungri in turn looked relaxed up and down and then smirked while he raised an eyebrow. "Pretty legs."

[lelibug]

I. Just. Cannot. Catch. A. Break. I am beyond Utterly EXHAUSTED. Another Goddamned Morning From ALL HELL...

AND I am in a LOT of pain, in my back - To make matters rather worse, the bed (Hypnos Mattress) requires flipping, and it causes a lot of pain when it's getting soft and unsupportive.

This time it was the goddamned dogs again... Barking, even bloody howling, at the door... For Gods know what! But they were going ballistic - and Dad was doing absolutely nothing to help... They were edging on Red-Zone-Gone and he really didn't understand this.

So - I Slid Down, All. The. Way. Down. The stairs to get to them. Souly went immediately quiet; Buddy did not. I focused on Buddy, then he went ape-shit crazy when I compronted him with a "Tch-Bite" with my hand - So, I picked him up by his collar to standing (as I do with Souly), and the damned Wackadoodle went and Nipped me... Cheeky Fuck! Cats do far worse than him when they're chilled, so it was hardly anything to experience -- but... The Damned Cheek of It!!!!

Well, He got Alpha Rolled (so much easier than Soul, who knew...!!...). Souly was pulled back because he lost his temper a bit at Buddy. Then I really let rip into them. A LOT. And I was furious with them for creating such a bloody Fracas! 

After that, some planes turned up, so they both just cowered. Not sure if it didn't help make my point more, actually, showing something to be afraid of as part of my arse-ripping...? Well, I let them go, and had to then face the fact I had to climb my way back upstairs.

I did it - pulling one knee up at a time, leaning on the opposite side for stability, then hauling myself up each goddamned step.

I just about managed to make it up when I had to turn to comfort & soothe Souly more, for several more minutes on the stairs, when the building site noises across the road by the (former, now) primary school and Bedol land were upsetting him again, and making him bark. Apparently, he's not a fan. Just like his Momee...

Once this was finally dealt with, I went back into my room, feeling, "Well, Now I think I am ready to get to Loughborough...!!". 

It had all been so fast, so exhausting, so overwhelming, that I immediately went into ShutDown Mode. It took a while and a Buddy to start getting me to even start talking again.

This had all started when I was barely getting to be Awake & before I had any coffee. My first coffee was at 12:55pm. After EVERYTHING, including my ShutDown, was done with. And... Well, You've seen the Isobars... 999mb.

I. Am. Just... Done. Completely & Utterly. Done. So, So, So Exhausted. So, So, So Very Drained. Mentally, Psychologically Done In.

But now... There is packing to be done. Things to sort out Properly to go away for a WEEK. Last time went away for a long time was back in March, for my birthday, in Caernarfon for 10 days. And we all know how well that went...

This is also NOT the Time Of Year for all this... This is the Anniversary of EVERYTHINGS This Time Of Year. Maybe different months and years, but between October & March is when EVERYTHINGS happened at some point in time. Like the Gods just Insist I Hate This Time Of Year!

October 31st 2013 -- The Beginning of EVERYTHINGS

November 2013 -- Having to Move House & Settle Down in Leyton

November 2013 -- Suffered from Pneumonia - Had to still walk the dog and ended up having to go back to work... a 4 hour Round-Trip Away

December 2013 -- Fibromyalgia is starting it's campaign to take hold of my body for itself

March 2014 -- Had to give up my Job at the Brompton Hospital from being desperately ill, just before my birthday

May 2014 -- See Pain Clinic Consultant, he wants an MRI Scan 

June 2014 -- MRI Scan

November 2014 -- "Officially" Diagnosed with ASD

February 2015 -- Finally got to see the Pain Clinic Consultant re MRI Scan of lower lumbar area (Nearly 9 months later!)

June 2015 -- Finally get "Officially" diagnosed with Fibro, then... Nothing. No followup or help given.

November 2015 -- Dumped by Boo; Dumped with my Parents back in North Wales, at Nain & Taid's old house.

December 2017 -- C*****g Bitch at Roslin breaks my brain & My Very Soul

December 2017 -- The pain in my tummy and pelvis turns into the Ripping & Searing Pain of All Mortal Agony, ripping everything inside me to shreds & leaving me Screaming at the top of my lungs in White-Hot-Agony-of-all-Agonies

January 2018 -- Emergency Admission to Hospital. YGC Diagnose not one, but TWO different Blood Poisoning inside me, as well as Multiple Other Infections, too (Mainly Urine & Bowel, others unidentifiable).

March 2018 -- Finally Released from hospital - the day after my birthday. Had 37th Birthday in Hospital.

October 2018 -- Pain Clinic finally comes through with Physio+Therapy Treatment option for me, with a date. But then, CHANGE the date - to January 2019!

January 2019 -- Unable to cope anymore with this appt hanging over my head, just shortly after the Anniversary of that Bitch in Roslin - Had Nervous Breakdown in the end. Had desperately tried to get Mam to agree that I shouldn't go... But it was too little too late when she finally did cancel it -- AFTER I'd had said breakdown

October 2019 -- Have been dissociative and derealising since January, and now it's going Supernova because it's That Time Of Year, Again...

Powered by Journey Diary.

[s-hadow-chan]

Moving blogs + a reflection essay

tl;dr -- I’m moving my main blog. Because lots of my views on life have changed, my life has changed, and obviously my tastes in fandoms have changed. I’ll put the URL here later once I’ve made it. To see how I got to this position and where I am now, keep reading ^w^

Note: This is just my own opinion as to how I’ve seen Tumblr over the past few years. 

Well, it’s the start of a New Year. I haven’t been active much in 2017 but I’ll try and be active this year. Thanks to all the people who’ve helped and supported me this year and the following people who have made my life on Tumblr : *a list of people I rarely talk to anymore*

....Is what I would have said perhaps a year or two ago. I’m still glad I’ve joined this site and had conversations with some KnB fanatics like I was. However, I haven’t talked to them in a year. The only people I usually talk to on this site are basically nonexistent. I mean my friends from high school technically, but I talk to them irl during classes and lunch. The truth is that I have not been active on Tumblr for the past year. And my activity on the site was starting to wane in 2016 as well when I accidentally deleted my main blog last year when I was actually trying to delete a side blog I was working on. But that’s besides the fact as to why I’m moving. I’ve changed quite a bit since 2014 when I first joined Tumblr. My views of the world have changed, my life has changed, even the tiniest things such as my fandom tastes have changed. Because of this change, I’m moving to a new blog. Since you’ve decided to keep reading, I’m going to write a long detailed essay about the three things that have changed with me: my taste, my views on the world, and my life in 2014. You have the complete freedom to click out anytime ^w^

The fourteen-year-old me has a different shit taste in anime than the shit taste I have in anime now. Obviously, no one person can stay the same. If you’ve reblogged the little posts I’ve reblogged from other blogs (try saying that five times lol) notice how there’s barely any Hetalia or Kuroko no Basket or Haikyuu for that matter. Even when I’ve been active for the past few days, it’s been more positive posts, memes, and occasional anime of Hero Aca and such. So really if you want to know what I’m into at the moment, it’s Honeyworks, Hero Aca, Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso (Your Lie in April), food, study things, any Makoto Shinkai film (doesn’t have to be Your Name but it can be) and always memes. And getting off from the high of finishing Yamada-kun and the Seven Witches, I’ll be looking for that too. Also, notice the decline in squealing yaoi fangirl that used to squeal in the tags section about two dudes cross-dressing. Ah, yes. The Hetalia days of where I’d ship APH America with everyone and just had a huge obsession with APH America. The title of my blog (on mobile anyway) is still a quote from the dub haha.  To be fair, that squealing, yaoi fangirl did have a brief revival when Yuri on Ice was still airing. I still have a soft spot for the anime as it was very good (and still is, Phichit will forever be an angel) and I absolutely LOVE Makkachin still. But for the most part, I have mostly lost the whole yaoi fangirl that I once was in Freshman year of high school who still loved shipping countries together. Why I deviated from Hetalia is another post unto itself.

I mentioned how I haven’t been posting a lot of kurobas lately. Yes my interest has waned in the show, but I still appreciate what it’s done for me in my high school years. I still have a quote from Aida Riko back in the earlier chapters of the manga hanging on my wall as I work on homework: “I want you to have a big concrete objective and the will to achieve it.” I won’t deny, KnB really helped me set the mentality I needed to tackle high school -- to keep pushing myself to become a better person. Whether I fulfilled that expectation or not is debatable. But as always, the inspirational quotes of KnB will undoubtedly carry me onto college too.

Now don’t get triggered when I say that Tumblr can really take leftist ideology to the extreme. It’s definitely right to treat everybody equally no matter their skin color, gender, sexuality, shape, size, disability, etc. Basically, everyone deserves to be treated equally. That’d definitely fine and it’s the right way to live life after all. However, it first hit me in Junior year that Tumblr was getting annoying. The whole “the straights are terrible” and “white men should burn in hell” preaching gave Tumblr the black and white views of the world without any grays (or greys however you spell it) in between. Now I’m a straight CIS female. I’ve got good friends who are asexual, bi, lesbian, etc. I will say this, but I doubt it will be heard by the screams of hate against a straight CIS gender like myself: I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR DAMN SEXUALITY OR GENDER OR COLOR OR WHATEVER IS AS LONG AS YOU ARE A NICE PERSON! If you are a trans, gay Hispanic (an example, not pointing you out) who treats other people terribly, that means I will flip you off and beat your ass (to some extent of this statement). Not all straight people are bad and not all gays are good and it goes for every demographic that exists ever.

Though it may seem that I am blaming all of Tumblr for acting this way, I am. But I can’t forget that I too, once had a black and white view of the world. As a fourteen-year-old who was very much shielded from the world because of a private Catholic school with conservative parents who are very well off, I had an inkling of what the rest of the world was like. And I feel like the people on Tumblr were just as uneducated about the world as I was. By no means do I know everything about the world now. A seventeen-year-old who hasn’t even finished high school will never know how the me from four years from now feels. I am just saying that my opinion from leaning so far left a damn tree would break has become more moderate. This website made me think: gosh being straight and CIS is uncool and being a normal functional being with no anxiety or depression isn’t normal too. I need to be bi and genderfluid! That was stupid thinking. Right now, I’m completely fine with being a straight, CIS female with no mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety who will gladly respect your pronouns.

Now life is really crazy. It was crazy in 2016, and it was crazy in 2017 too. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that I’m from Las Vegas, Nevada now did I? Times have changed man. I don’t think I would have said that when I was 10 on a website lol. But yeah if you’ve somehow been scrolling this far down I commend your efforts. And I’m sure you’re getting really strained rn. So get some water, take a break, I’m sorry if you can’t get to a laptop or computer right now. Don’t read this in one go. If you’ve returned or decided to read straight on through welcome back or good for you respectively. Now I’ll repeat that again. Yes, I live in Las Vegas, Nevada. Right where Stephen Paddock decided to shoot from the 37th floor of Mandalay Bay onto the Route 91 Harvest Festival where over 500 people were wounded and 50 people were killed and where three students from my school were at on Sunday night (they were unharmed physically I believe). I found this out when I was tucked in bed at home, far from the strip checking my friend’s snapchats before I fell asleep. For the largest mass shooting in modern US history to take place in an area where my family would take our extended family to dinner or where we once had a New Years Eve celebration at the Vdara, is sickening. My cousins and I used to go to Mandalay Bay and hang out at the pool and stay the night because it was Spring break back when we were in middle school. My mom’s 40th birthday was at the Mandalay Bay. It’s terrible. I know how those people in Orlando and Colorado and everywhere else in the world feel when a mass shooting happens and completely disrupts your life. I’ve barely even been to the strip this year. The fact that a terror attack happened in my own backyard is beyond words. It makes me angry that some bastard decided to fuck up the lives of everyone in my city by ruining a good time at a concert. It makes me sad when I read a Washington Post later about a group of girls who went to a Lutheran school were affected by this event mentally and some even physically by this event. And that in turns makes me pissed off that some dude ruined the lives of teenage girls exactly like me, who were worried about the SAT and ACT and AP Classes and college. Fuck him.

So that’s my feelings on the shooting a few months late. But remember that I live in Las Vegas. You can’t just forget a mass shooting that happened in the city you live in. I’d mention how people would disagree with me that other events on the strip have happened such as a robbing at the Bellagio (it’s always the Bellagio man! That’s my fave part of the strip with the dancing waters and the seasonal garden inside like man they don’t deserve that) and etc. but feel free to disagree with me when you submit an ask dear anon.

Now on a somewhat lighter note, high school will forever be stressful. Going to the best high school in the state is stressful when all your friends have a nonstop grind to be one of the valedictorians (apparently you can have more than one?? I had no idea until I went to high school). Though I am nowhere near becoming a valedictorian, I still have plans to graduate with high honors ( wearing white for graduation) because half of the people graduating will wear white because it’s a magnet school dammit we’re kinda smart. AP classes have been part of my workload since Sophomore year which is right when I deleted my blog, but I managed to keep my activity up somewhat. Junior year slumped in my activity big time. APUSH is hard you guys. That’s it. I believe I posted a reflection at the start of 2017 detailing a bit more of this. But the difference this year is that I’m a senior in high school. That means college and scholarships. As I’ve mentioned before, I live in Nevada. I either stay in Las Vegas and attend the university there or I head up to Reno, which is like a 6-hour drive from home or just an hour flight. That means living in a dorm away from everything I’ve known. And that includes my boyfriend.

The biggest change in my life between Freshman year and now is that I’m taken! And honestly, it was the biggest fucking plot twist of 2016 (and the largest failed segway of 2018 thus far). I’m dating the largest weeb at my school ever and I’m happy dammit. Most of the time. I’ve learned a lot from being in a relationship like how to shut the fuck up and listen and appreciate more in life. By no means was my relationship perfect either. We’ve had a lot of fights. I’ve mentioned this in my reflection of 2016 at the start of last year so the rundown is that we’ve been together a year and a half now. I’m in a healthy relationship. Then college comes in and says hi. Now my boyfriend has decided to go to the university here in Las Vegas. I’m still very unsure as to where I want to go next. After all, the decision as to where to continue my education lies with me and I’m running out of time (I’m procrastinating on the decision right now lol). Four years ago, I had dreams of going out of state to either a UC school or the United States Airforce Academy in Colorado, until I learned that school outside of my state is expensive so I decided to stay within the confines of Nevada. 

And honestly, that’s where I’m at right now. Thanks for reading this long ass rant. I spent an hour or two typing this up. I just have a lot of feelings haha. I hope everyone has the best year ever. If this is after I’ve posted my new URL, go follow me there. But for now, thanks for all the support thus far and especially for reading this long ass rant. See you!

[cleowritesblogs-blog]

I Love Tom’s Big Apple

New York. The big apple. A city that is by far my most favourite and very dear to me. I’ve been wanting to write something down for a while now and use this great creative outlet, but I just haven’t been that inspired. Or more simply I didn’t want to dive too deeply for my first post. But that’s all changed now (obviously). So I one big thing to know about me is that as a 16 year old virgin (lip,vaginal and anal)  I’m naturally very boy obsessed. Initially, I feel like that phrase would stimulate a clichéd eye roll and a judgemental or chiding   interjection. But let me assure you that academia will always remain the centre of my emotional, crazy world. But I’ll save that for another post.

Okay so, something incredible....no not just incredible, otherworldly happened on Friday. Tom (yes this is actually his real name because even though I write under and alias, every story told will be factual accurate) posted a snapchat story of him lying on a bed in New York. Although you could only see from his shoulder upwards, I was quite overwhelmed to see his face (well kind of, it was on snapchat so his face was covered in a filter-the one that distorts your face and gives you really big lips). See I just deleted Instagram for reasons which, do not belong in this blog post but; it was the only social media platform I followed him on. My only link, connection and well lifeline. But things got too much and deleting Instagram seemed way more appealing then having a link to Tom. It wasn't such a big deal at the time anyway. Tom was (or definitely presented himself as) a ‘fuckboy’. He had that stupid style of really long hair on the top and all slicked back and shot hair on the bottom. He posted pictures that were meant to outline his perfect jawline whilst his sincere eyes glared into your soul. Most importantly he had a girlfirend, who was just like the cherry on top to all of this. Now frankly, I’m not one for slut shaming or justing talking smack...but I just really couldn’t see how they could ever have anything in common. Not the Tom that I know. Anyway, I opened the snap story and there it was. I couldn't really admire his face that much, but his eyes were still the same and his HAIR! He cut it and it was blonde again. I swear in that moment I was taken back to year six.

Primary school was great, there’s so much I could tell you but I won’t cram it all into one post (hehe). Lets just say from the beginning Tom and I were enemies- he was even my bully in years two and three! But by year six i’d classify us as really good friends (the sad ironic part of this all is that I have a feeling he’s classify differently if asked). We sat next each other, geeked over songs and our favourite bands, joked about stupid shit. It was bliss. Also, it is worth noting my friendship with Tom is still one of my favourite interactions with a boy to date. Naturally, by year six I had developed quite the crush on him. But it was different in the sense that, it wasn’t formed in a couple weeks, it had been nurtured in my little 11 year old heart for about a year and it had just taken me till then to actually realise how I felt. [I think this is when I had my full sexual awakening] I started to notice how sexy his ruffled blonde hair was and all the compassion behind his bright brown eyes. It still turns me on to this very day. 

Therefore, as soon as I saw him in that form again, I broke. I was transported back to being 11. It was such a powerful experience: all the associated feelings came tumbling over me, consuming me (in a good way). I was engulfed, transfixed, obsessed (again). My heart felt something it hadn't in 5 years. I was just so happy to see him pure and clean. If that wasn’t enough, I had to know he was looking this fine and handsome in the streets of New York!  I broke again. I’ve never had that bulging urge to drop everything, cash in all your savings and fly to another city so badly before. I just keep having this fantasy that him and I would just reunite and we’d just have one of those magical never ending chats, where all you care about is being in the present with that person. I think that fantasy alludes to basically the key issue/feeling I have about of all of this. It’s that I just don’t know Tom anymore and it kills me inside. Okay so I latch onto primary school memories, but shit happens in a year-let alone five of them! He probably HAS changed a lot and gone through many phases, as have I. But I just want to know. Because I care. It’s honestly as simple as that. I really fucking care. I want to know he’s okay and that he’s mentally stable, just like I’ll never be. I want to know his friends are treating him good. I want him to know that I’ll love him and always be there for him to confide in. I want to give him everything I feel I've never had. I want to give him the world.

 I suppose also I never got a sense of closure. This is the worst part. We kept in touch after primary school, we texted and snapped I’d say successfully for about a year after. But as with every online and interaction i’ve ever had with a boy (with one exception) I always get left on read at some point or another. Might I just add that mentally this fucks me up even more every time. It makes me feel like I just had completely the wrong end of the stick the whole time. It makes me feel like I am annoying and not worthy of anyone’s time. It’s so bad that, I get anxious even when my own dad leaves me on read. Because it highlights the fact that if a day was to come where even my own dad didn't  want to speak to me, well every chance of interaction I’d ever have with men would be gone. However, I’m not a quitter (usually). I didn't want to give up on our friendship then and for the record I still don’t! I gave it about maybe two or three years and I messaged him on snapchat and well you can guess what happened. My attempt was a highly sucessful flop.

This was the last interaction I’ve had with him. Which brings me to my last point, which makes this whole post very bitter sweet, at this point. I’m well aware and now you become well aware that i’m grasping onto something very intangible and obsessing over someone who clearly hasn’t thought about me these past couple of years at all...It’s unhealthy and mentally draining (I know). But I’m not letting go, not of this. Because whilst frankly it’s just sad, It brings me a sense of calming peace to see my crush (???!!) evolving, developing and maturing. It’s fulfilling in a way moving on would not be. I just want to be in New York with him so bad. Can you imagine? I think he would be very surprised and freaked out which is why I don’t really like to think about it...however It’s just my dream city. Today he posted a video of him on the empire state building which, ironically out of the 3 times I’ve been to NY, I’ve never been to. I can just see us chatting at this cafe that tucked away somewhere around 37th (street) and 7th (avenue). I see us being goofs on the empire state building and him giving me his jacket because I get too cold (always!). I see us watching the sun set on the red steps in time square and him taking me to Olive Garden (It’s a life long dream of mine). Then to end the day, we go to this like glass building beside the Hudson river where there’s a carousel inside (I don’t know where or what it’s called) and we just watch the lights. In reality it really wouldn’t matter where you go in New York, It’s just beautifully cultured in every way. It is the very monument of the American dream and the foundations of a great country (below the political surface). That’s why I love it so much. But, imagine going there with the one you love, It would be the closest experience to magic. I’m not giving up, in or out. Tom, lets go some place x