#had to shit the bed for the 37th time

[lynnstereotypical]

‼️ THIS ISNT EDITED AND IS A VERRRY ROUGH DRAFT READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!

please and thanks!!

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AU WHERE….

BATGIRLS

☏

ASSEMBLE

Power Puff Girls! but it’s batgirls: Nell Little, Tiffany Fox and Nyesha Burroughs (shes NOT a batgirl but Nell and Tiff where already batgirls and I wanted a ppg trio ok!! Plus it was not like she was gonna be used anyways soooo…) And Commissioner Barbra Gordon as the Mayor with Terry McGinnis as Professor Utonium

Enjoy this VERY LOOSE AU this will most likely change but I just wanted to do this for funnsiee

INSPO: Batgirls, The Power Puff Girls and Totally spies

The android butler AI-FR3D: who’s basically Alfred but a butler robot makes nice cookies and irons to perfection, he also is agent A and patches up the girls , has a secret compartment in him for weapons missiles bombs first aid water and a high scale database of everything he’s a walking bat computer basically

Alfred and Matt are Funny since Matt doesn’t listen to a word he says

He’s trained in martial arts as well

He’s like a sassier Alfred

But he’s just a butler guys

Terry McGinnis as Professor Utonium

As the professor because yes that’s their dad guys

When their was a Batman the musical and the girls took him took him to see it for his 37th birthday

(Thiss MUST be karma)

He think he gets Bruce now

Terry has a bonnet because of course he does

Terry is basically their dad

They sleep in bunk beds (mind you Terry can afford regular beds but I wanted that ppg room feel)

Terry is very understanding as a father figure and as a mentor he understand and can read body language he gives criminals second chances as he was given one

And is a better communicator then Bruce (or so he thinks )

He requires everyone he meets to take a DNA test with him

He’s currently not married to anyone

To busy with the neo justice league

MOVIE NIGHTS!!

He inherited the cave but now has three batgirls

(Helena Wayne?? - Huntress maybe??)

THE BATGIRLS ☏

Nyesha Burroughs (15) 🛹

Bubbles but buttercup personality

Has been in and out of foster homes since she was like 3

After a fire killed her only family her older brother she aspired to help save the lives of others

So kids DONT end up like her

“Mista McGinnis? McDonald?”!

Has a part time Job at a batburger

waaay to causal about her abuse

“What the slag?”

She skateboards on her hover board

Thrift warrior

Dosent know how modern phones work low-key

He only knows shit from the library or word of mouth (other foster kids)

Living on and off the streets had forced her to be recourse full so when one Nyesha Burroughs tries to pickpocket a seemingly wealthy man (always watch the watches!!) off the streets but finds….a batarang instead?? Odd… dark..suit…weird creepy furrry mask…OH SHIT BATMAN??

She honestly thought Batman was someone’s famous persona online so she felt bad for stealing his accessories

Slightly resents rich people

She’s new it was only Nell and Tiffany

She thinks she’s lacking compared to all the other girls

Loves eggs with jelly

Matt gives her the uncle talk

“lol I remember my dad beat me so hard my hair ripped out

The “I’ve felt what you have and I relate to you”

She will never call Terry dad to his face

She does it when talking to her sisters though

To terrys face? She wouldn’t dare her pride wouldn’t allow it

She’s stubborn and patrols alone the most

Cass is her favorite batgirl ever

She can be rude and aloof and may need to work on her people skills

She speaks in nods and grunts

Growing up in and out of foster homes does that too you i guess

She’s brash and “rude” or just really wuite and perceived as rude

She has a slight lisp (just like me frfr)

Takes no shit

Tiffany Fox (15) 🩰

Blossom but Bubbles personality

Bubbles 🫧 - the bubbly one

Shes would be such an it girl since her brothers Batman why not her as well she’s smart

A model (plus sized)

Donuts and iced coffee she brings

The youngest child

Sneaks out a lil took much

All her sibling are out the house so it’s very lonely

Bubbly!!

“But Terrrry!”

ANNOYINGLY OPTIMISTIC

Sends good morning texts first thing in the morning

But not a morning person??

Misses her bro

USED TO CREATE Wonder Woman X READER FANFICTION

She’s patrols with Terry the most ( she worries okay!)

She goes to galas to communicate with the people to outsource

Her family is a wealthy Gotham elite btw

Shes kind of a teen star i guess

Her family has done reality tv shows when she was younger( think honey boo boo, or keeping up with the Kardashians)

Siiigh its so boring

She calls him dad jokingly or Pops or Mr.T

She took ballet too (after watching Barbra Gordon’s performance at the city hall )

But shes not very good at it…like not at all she has this constant desire to prove herself

She’s courageous brave and entergetic

She will likely be the one patrolling the most (she did start at 12 after all !!)

(And tends to brings it up in everyone’s face a lot )

Her father was Batman and her brother was too so she has a role to fill she thinks so she tends to ge extra hard on her self

Especially since her brother died while being Batman and her dad vowed to never be Batman again and she made a promise to never take the mantle again…

Her dad was heartbroken to learn she’s was batgirl and broke her suit (burned it) so she could never be batgirl again

Has Trichotillomania, also known as hair-pulling disorder, is a mental health condition that causes people to repeatedly pull out their hair

It’s why she always wears pony tails she’s kind of Balding and she’s ashamed of it

CRACKHEAD??

Looks on the bright side of things

Not slow just very very bubbly

Nell Little (14) 🔧

Buttercup but Blossom personality

She’s a mechanic cool asf!!

Her mom is very dependent on her and she’s been working to help pay the bills for there tiny small apartment

Her mother is a ER nurse at the hospital

Bi disaster (very much has a crush on Alysia Yeoh from DC Bombshells)

She’s very very smart and clever (read:unhinged )

She knows how to outsmart her opponents

Low-key accidentally fixed the Batmobile's HUD frame (it was seemingly abandoned okay!!) she ended up fixing it wayyy better

gets a much better offer.

Her dad’s a super villain (which one though? Idk)

She calls him T

She struggles the most with this since she never actually had a dad do it’s new having a support system other than her mom??? Weird asf same has Nyesha aswell

She used to go dumpster diving for spare parts

She has a laptop that consists of two laptops duck taped together it sound like a windmill when you power it up but it works!

She works at a repair shop

Loves Barbra as batgirl she was her favorite!!!

(Her gay awakening if you will)

She’s always dreamed of being a batgirl

And has trained by herself

But gave up that dream once and focused on bee coming a mechanic

but with this she gets another chance

Mrs.Little her mother

(Who doesn’t know she’s batgirl)

Always keeps a bat by her side (literally 💀)

“The smart one”

Wants to build an old fashion car with wheels

They use her dads mechanic shop as a second base/ safe house

A mix of Donnie (TMNT) and Blossom

Ambitious and smart

She’s a workaholic she’s smart but will stay up late working on a car

A little like Tim frfr

Nyesha has an unhealthy obsession with CHEESE BALLS

Her watching those fake pimple popping videos

[arielgobuss]

The 37th chapter of "Desiderium Intimum" has been posted! ^_^

Here's a preview:

37. Thinking of you

I don't wanna live I don't wanna breathe

Unless I feel you next to me

I don't wanna sleep

I don't wanna dream

'cause my dreams don't comfort me

The way you make me feel

Waking up to you never felt so real*

"Potter!"

Harry murmured in his sleep and turned his head, pressing his face deeper into the pillow, searching for that warm softness that wrapped so wonderfully around him. He didn't want to get up yet. After all, he had the day off. Nobody should come here and...

"Potter, if you don't get up soon, I will force you out of bed and it won't be nice for you."

It sounded like Snape.

One sec. What was Snape doing in his dormitory?

Harry opened one sleepy eye and immediately squinted it, as even the dull light of the burning candles was too harsh for him and penetrated his mind, cutting through him like a knife. In the blurred fog before his eyes, he saw a dark silhouette. He opened his other eye, but it didn't help much.

"Now that you've kindly woken up, maybe you could tidy yourself up? We have to be in the Great Hall in half an hour."

What?

Harry looked up, feeling as if someone had hit him with something heavy.

Wait... He needs to analyze the facts.

He was at Snape's yesterday. They fu-- No. They made love. Yes.

And then... later...

Oh shit!

And then Severus let him stay here for the night!

He jumped up into a sitting position and groaned as he felt a sudden, painful sting in his ass and the protests of his strained muscles.

Harry looked around and saw a stain on the table in the shape of his glasses. He reached for them, placed them over his nose, and looked at Sever--

Suddenly he felt a strange sensation, as if his heart and stomach had changed places and his eyes were trying to come out of their sockets.

Snape was standing in front of him. Yes, it was definitely Snape. No one else. But he wasn't wearing his black robes, which rustled with every movement and covered every inch of his body.

Harry's gaze moved upwards, and with every inch he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Snape was standing barefoot on a small black and green carpet spread over the stone floor. He wore long, loose black pants and an equally dark, velvet, long-sleeved shirt that draped softly around his arms and body. Open on the chest.

Harry knew he was staring, but he couldn't stop, and he knew he was staring with his mouth open, but what could he do about it? The pale skin emerging from the black fabric contrasted with it and made Harry feel an irresistible need to touch it and check if it was real, and leave his mark on it. A very clear mark.

"As you can see, Potter, I'm still alive," Severus finally said, interrupting Harry's rapturous contemplation. "So you can stop staring at me like that."

Harry closed his mouth and swallowed, and ignoring the man's words, he got up and like a sleepwalker moved towards him, completely ignoring the painful protests of his leg muscles. He couldn't take his eyes off that pale torso, and from the dark strand of hair stretching from the navel down and disappearing under the fabric of the loose pants.

He had to touch him. He must have marked him.

He grabbed the skirts of the black shirt and clung to the tall body, pressing his lips to the cool skin of Severus' chest. The man's scent filled his nostrils and the air inhaled sharply by Snape filled his ears. Harry smiled inwardly and began kissing the smooth skin, purring contentedly into it. It only lasted for a moment, though, and Harry had time to place only a few hungry kisses on Snape's chest when he felt strong hands gripping his shoulders and pulling him away abruptly.

"I think that I told you to do something!" the man said sharply.

Harry blinked, slightly confused, and looked up. Severus didn't seem to be in the best mood. Maybe he was angry that Harry had stayed for the night with him? Or maybe he just didn't get enough sleep and now decided to get back at him for the sleepless night. Yes, it was very likely. And very 'snape-like'.

"Okay, I'm going now. I just wanted to greet you," he replied with a sigh and was about to turn away when his eye was caught by a dark, red-brown stain on Severus' neck.

This definitely improved his mood.

"Severus... I think something bit you during the night," he grinned, moving away from the man and walking backwards towards the bathroom.

Snape didn't seem surprised.

"You must have slept in the gnome nest, then," he replied, raising an eyebrow and looking pointedly at Harry's upper body.

The boy looked down and widened his eyes. His entire chest was covered with small, dark spots. Some more visible than others, but there were so many that it was impossible to count them. He looked back at Snape, who had a faint, mischievous smile on his lips.

"I actually like them," Harry replied, smiling. "Maybe I'll keep them..." And without waiting for an answer, he grabbed his clothes from the chair and disappeared out the door.

He hung his clothes on the rack by the door, then walked over to the mirror and looked at his reflection. It wasn't just his chest that was covered in spots. The neck looked much worse, and there was a small bruise just above his temple.

He looked like he had just barely escaped a fight, but he felt so happy that he couldn't help but smile the entire time. He hoped that Severus would allow him to keep at least some of these traces. After all, these were Severus' marks. They marked the places where Severus' lips had caressed his body.

Harry touched one of the dark spots on his neck as if it was a treasure. He didn't have to close his eyes to clearly imagine those thin lips pressing against his skin and sucking on it so hungrily, as if they wanted to devour him whole, and that thought sent a pleasant shiver down his body, to his lower abdomen.

He took a deep breath and turned away from the mirror, looking around the bathroom. It was simple and bright, not much different from the bathrooms in the dorms, except that everything in it was intended for one person only. Instead of the bathtub Harry expected to see, there was only a shower.

Well, somehow he couldn't imagine Severus lounging in a bathtub full of bubbles and surrounded by scented candles. No, he was more of a person who preferred a quick, practical shower.

Then something in his mind opened up and Harry recalled the sound of running water he had heard last night, and he couldn't help the image of Severus appearing in front of his eyes. Naked Severus, with streams of water flowing down his fair skin.

No! Enough! He wasn't going to stand here and imagine Snape taking a shower, because his penis was already starting to show extraordinary interest and Severus had told him to hurry up.

[anywhozits]

All I Really Want Chapter 7

Rating: M

Pairing: Kristanna eventuallyyy

Verse: 90s High School AU / frozen retelling

Chapter Summary: Anna celebrates her 15th birthday.

Notes: Thank you for reading!!! Also there is some language, underage drinking, and homophobia in this chapter - be warned! (also tw emotional abuse)

Read on Ao3 here!

June twenty-fucking-first.

Another year. Fifteen, now.

And… Anna was excited, objectively, sure. At her very core, she felt excited because she knew she should be excited. But still, the very nature of this date always left her with a huge pit in her stomach.

There was just so much pressure. So much hope and want and desire for the love she craved to fill her first moments of fifteen.

Anna used to think she loved her birthday. The attention… the entire day naturally being about her—like, she knew she was supposed to enjoy it. She loved attention. She’d never deny that.

But…

In reality, her birthday stressed her out. There were all these expectations. Wanting people to acknowledge her, surprise her, and do all these special things to show they care. And yeah, this was probably way too much to ask on her 15th birthday but she wanted to feel … desired.

And yet she worried that wouldn’t happen this year.

Because her birthday was and had always been so full of disappointment.

Elsa forgot. Her parents forgot. Over the years one or two or all three of them forgot. They would ignore her the whole dumb day and then Anna would end up sobbing alone in her huge stupid room that had no reason to be so huge when it felt so lonely.

So far today, not one member of her family had acknowledged her. Her mother was definitely taking a nap or something. Who the hell knew where her dad was… and Elsa hadn’t called (yet, Anna thought, maybe too optimistically), but she was busy at this pre-college academic program at Pomona. So she had an okay excuse.

At least this year Anna got to spend her birthday with Hans. With Hans, maybe it’d be different. He already made the prom milestone so special that she had no doubt he’d do the same for her birthday.

No disappointments this year. Fingers crossed.

And how could she forget? She had Kristoff, too. And Kristoff never forgot. Kristoff always tried his best to make it special.

In fact, he’d already done something for her—he’d left her a card and a mixtape. This had to be her 37th Kristoff Bjorgman mixtape. And every new tape was better than the last.

He... well, um—that gesture alone made her feel desired.

She was officially on her third listen of the mixtape, and the sweet sweet tunes of Modest Mouse’s Dramamine filled her room.

In the past, he tended to include recordings of Pissed Off Kids, but Kristoff had made it extra special this time—the final song of the tape was instead a solo of Kristoff’s smooth tenor singing Better Man by Pearl Jam. Naturally he also hit all of the epic guitar riffs.

Anna loved it.

This lovely thought paired with the swelling sounds of Dramamine put her in a trance. Deep in her emotions, Anna swayed to the beat, instantly craving something more.

Traveling swallowing Dramamine

Look at your face like you're killed in a dream

She crawled on the floor and under her bed, pulling out a blue plastic box that housed her entire stash. The stash was once discovered by the family’s housekeeper, Anna (pronounced A-nuh not Ah-nuh), who subsequently revealed it to Agnarr and Iduna. Obviously, they did nothing about it. Duh. They gave zero shits. Zero. And it had devastated her, somehow. To not be yelled at or grounded… to not have her entire stash confiscated.

And you think you've figured out everything

I think I know my geography pretty damn well

Clearly, Anna had no reason to hide it anymore but leaving it out in the open took most of the fun away. So here it was back in the blue plastic box under her bed. Various bottles of alcohol, rolling paper, a pipe, a lighter, some weed, and an unopened bottle of Xanax with Iduna Larsen’s name on the label.

You say what you need so you'll get more

If you could just milk it for everything

Actually, come to think of it—Anna’s entire stash had been collected from her parent’s room.

I've said what I said, and you know what I mean

But I can't still focus on anything

Looking squarely at the box and its contents, Anna bit her lip. She needed this. And, why? Well, it was a combination of her baseline birthday nerves and the aftermath of the intense sob-fest she had when the oh-so-topical So Unsexy by Alanis Morrissette played on Kristoff’s mixtape. Oh, and of course the fact that her parents probably fucking forgot her birthday yet again… So, she took out the rolling paper and the Ziploc baggie that contained a few grams of weed.

Then, some weird crashing sound echoed from her window, which made her gasp and spook slightly.

Walking over to the window, drawing the curtains, and emerging onto her Juliet balcony, she noticed Hans and his goofy grin, standing in the driveway like he was a regular John Cusack.

When she saw that he had a bunch of tiny pebbles in his hand, it all made sense.

Anna’s heart fluttered. She loved it. She, like, literally loved it. So romantic.

“Can I come up?” He shouted, and Anna blushed. She was basically real-life Juliet at this point.

“Of course!” Anna called, and Hans started off in a sprint toward the rose trellis that led up the side of the house and into her window. “You don’t have to sneak in, you know!”

But he smiled devilishly and yelled, “I want to!”

Anna laughed and rolled her eyes at his definitely not-necessary efforts, but her stomach also did a few backflips. It was literally 500 times more romantic for him to climb up the trellis than it was for him to simply walk through the unlocked front door.

He pulled himself onto the balcony and Anna kissed him deeply. She couldn’t help but sigh—she was so, unbelievably happy to see him today.

“Happy birthday, babe,” he cooed in between kisses.

“Aww, thank you! I’m so happy you’re here.” After kissing a few more times, they ended up back in her bedroom where Kristoff’s singing now boomed through the room. Anna’s eyes fell to the blue plastic box—right. She had plans. “I was gonna do a little something to, uh, match the general vibe of this mixtape Kristoff made for me if you maybe wanted to join?” Anna gestured to the rolling paper and Ziploc bag.

Hans shook his head but then did a double-take. “Kristoff made you a mixtape?”

“Yep! He’s made me, like, tons of them.”

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man.

“Who’s this? Pearl Jam or some shit?”

“Yeah, but not—"

“Damn, he really thinks he’s emo, huh?”

“—because it’s Kristoff who’s singing. Pearl Jam cover, yeah, but…”

She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man.

Hans laughed, heartily. “He’s pathetic.”

…huh?

“What?”

“You’re telling me he specifically chose this song to sing for you, recorded it, and then actually had the balls to give it to you?”

“Uh-huh.”

Another robust chuckle from Hans.

Anna furrowed her eyebrows. “What’s the big deal?”

“Are you even listening to these lyrics?”

“Um, yes, I—"

Hans laughed again. “You have no idea, do you?”

Anna pouted. She hated feeling naïve. Especially now that she was such a woman. Fifteen and a woman. Not naïve, not anywhere near naïve.

“No, I ... I know. Duh. I totally know what you’re talking about.” But she really didn’t. She had no idea what the hell he meant.

“So fucking pathetic,” Hans said, shaking his head. “But whatever. He’s not even a little bit threatening, is he?”

Threatening?

Oh.

Ohohohoh.

Hans thought… no way.

Kristoff wasn’t pathetic. He wasn’t pining after Anna or whatever. No duh he wasn’t. Absolutely no way.

They were just friends.

And, besides, Kristoff chose these songs because he knew Anna would like them. There was no connection between the themes or lyrics of the songs and how he felt about Anna. None at all… there couldn’t be a connection, because if there were, then… the whole sister thing was bullshit. But it wasn’t. No way in hell. Like, it couldn’t be.

Then why was Hans so convinced?

Before Anna could give this another thought, her bedroom door flew open.

She reflexively ran to the plastic box stash and kicked it back under her bed. For no real reason beyond wanting to keep some kind of classic-teenage air of mystery about herself.

Not that she had any earthly idea who the hell was coming barging into her room on this particular day at this particular hour.

But then when she saw the hint of blonde hair zooming past her and then engulfing her in a huge hug, she beamed. Elsa. Exactly who she wanted to come barging into her room.

“Anna!” She exclaimed as she hugged and hugged and hugged her sister. “Happy happy happy birthday! Fifteen—wow. I’m absolutely thrilled that I get to celebrate with you today.”

Anna didn’t want to pull away. So she didn’t. She held on tighter, savoring this moment she thought would never in a million years come to pass. “I’m really happy too, Els. I thought… weren’t you at school? How’d you even get here?”

“Mom and dad picked me up.”

“…really?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Why?”

“So I could be here for your birthday.”

“They should really just get you a car or something so they don’t have—” And then the pin dropped. “Wait, what?”

Anna finally pulled away from her sister and stared at her incredulously.

“Yeah—they picked me up so we could have a proper celebration.”

“But…wait. You’re saying…a proper celebration for… for my birthday? Our parents wanted to do this? For me?”

“At Hans’s insistence, actually.”

“Hans?” Anna’s eyes darted to her not-boyfriend. “You… did this?”

“Only took a couple phone calls with your parents, a few with Elsa. And then magic was made.”

“I can’t believe you did this for me.”

“Of course I did, babe. I love you.”

Anna’s heart fluttered the most it had ever fluttered. It fluttered so much she honestly worried it might fly away out of her chest and off the balcony or something totally wild like that.

Hans was perfect. She was so lucky to have Hans. The perfect not-boyfriend who made her birthday okay again. More than okay, rather. Magical, wonderful. Perfect.

She didn’t even notice as Kristoff’s next selection, All Over You, started playing in the background.

And then the door swung open again and the two essential strangers she called parents walked in to also swarm Anna with massive hugs.

It felt… strange. Uncharacteristic. Almost like… almost like seeing a teacher at the movie theater, sitting down to watch the same movie you’re seeing with friends.

That level of weird.

But at the same time, it was a type of weird that Anna embraced more than anything else.

Because her parents were hugging her… they were acknowledging her.

They hadn’t forgotten her birthday.

“I rented us a Duffy boat for the afternoon,” Agnarr explained. “Kai set it all up for us—stocked with the best Cristal and naturally Anna’s favorite charcuterie board.”

“Ooh cured meats. A birthday delight.” Shit Anna had no idea how to interact with her parents anymore. Who even was this person—cured meats? Like yeah, she loved cured meats of course but damn this felt awkward.

“Actually, we should consider heading out soon. Don’t want to find ourselves on the blacklist at the Yacht Club, you know.”

That may sound like a joke but their close family friends actually did get blacklisted from the Yacht Club. Well, it had much more to do with some kind of scandalous drug and prostitute type situation than it did with being late, but… the fear was there.

“Should we bring your stereo?”

“Oh, yeah! Yes. Great idea. Kristoff actually made me a mixtape for my birthday, so—yeah. I’d love to have that along for the celebration too!”

They brought the speaker. They brought the Cristal and the charcuterie. Anna brought her now sunny and enthused birthday disposition.

Her family. And Hans. All together. Right now. On her birthday. Like, shit.

It felt like something out of her absolute favorite dream of all time.

And, yes, this whole Duffy boat thing was the most freaking Orange County plan of all time. But that meant her dad had to have planned ahead, since Duffy boats booked up ahead of time.

She felt so loved. So loved.

Once they arranged themselves in the boat, Anna turned on the stereo. So Unsexy played again, but Alanis didn’t get to her this time. Nobody had forgotten her birthday. She wasn’t alone. She felt, like, confident for once… damn. This was nice.

Hans moved to sit next to Agnarr, looking for a lesson about driving the boat, and Iduna sat close to the two of them, smiling. It was a Good Day. Anna could already tell.

“Aww, Alanis?” Elsa asked.

“Yeah!”

“Wouldn’t’ve expected Kristoff to put this on his mixtape.”

“Well, I mean, it’s because of you.”

“What? Really?

“Mmhmm. Because he, um, he knows how much Alanis means to you and because Alanis means so much to you she means so much to me. I really—”

“That’s so sweet.”

“You mean it?”

“Yeah.” Elsa leaned in to give her sister a huge hug. “I’m happy I get to spend more time with you.”

Anna relaxed into Elsa’s hold. She would thank the stars every day for this magnificent change. “Me, too.”

“Did you know the song You Oughta Know is about Uncle Joey?”

“Shut up. Really? For real?”

“For real for real.”

“No shit,” Anna laughed. “I didn’t think he had it in him.”

“Yeah!” Hans chimed in. “No pull for Uncle Joey.”

“But, wow, yeah. Um,” Anna’s cheeks flushed red and she locked her eyes with Hans. “Guess he must’ve been pretty mind-blowing in bed.”

Hans winked at her and Anna all but shivered on the spot. Hold it together, Anna. Hold it together.

But Elsa entertained them zero, shaking her head. “He took advantage of her,” Elsa explained, crossing her arms over her chest. “He’s fifteen years older than her. And they’d already broken up when she was 21, so who knows how old she was when they started…”

Anna bit her lip, worrying this was getting a little personal. Hans was only two years older than her, so. Different story, right?

Eh. Maybe not according to Elsa.

She needed to change the subject and impulsively blurted out, “I wanna get blackout. Right now.”

Elsa shook her head again. “Anna…”

“Yeah! I mean it! You too, right? You’ll do it with me? Let’s blackout on this Cristal. Yeah?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea…”

“Oh, come on. Ms. Boring! I didn’t ask for your judgmental-as-shit opinion. Do you wanna blackout or do you wanna blackout?”

“Uh—neither?”

Anna pouted. “Boo. Boring.” She looked to Hans for more support, but he’d turned his attention back to Agnarr and the steering wheel.

“I’ll drink with you, but I don’t want to blackout. I wanna remember you turning 15.”

Anna chewed on her bottom lip. “Oh… yeah. Well, I guess I do too. Since it’s so great and all.”

“I’m not boring,” Elsa smirked.

“Prove it.”

Elsa grabbed the bottle of champagne and twisted the cap a little hesitantly but still enthusiastically. It made a loud popping sound and a little bit of the liquid spilled from the top, but both Anna and Elsa cheered when the champagne was deemed officially free.

Elsa poured them both tall glasses, and then she poured three more, remembering there were other people on this Duffy Boat and not just the two sisters.

All five raised their glasses.

To Anna. Who was now officially fifteen. Old enough to legally drink Cristal on a Duffy Boat, right? Totally.

And then Agnarr perked up, suddenly remembering his eldest daughter was also on this boat. “So, Elsa… can you tell me again why you chose Pomona over Harvard?” The way he said both school names made it more than clear how he felt about Elsa’s decision. Pomona sounded like he smelled the sweet stench of vomit infested garbage. In contrast, Harvard sounded like a choir of angels sang at the gates of heaven.

“I needed a change of pace.”

Agnarr laughed. A literally massive guffaw. “Harvard could’ve been a change of pace.”

“I don’t really—”

“But, at the end of the day, fine, you’re majoring in what—finance? Which means that your classes at this bullshit liberal arts doohickey will be miniscule. And you’ll get more time with the professors, get better letters of rec, and then end up at the Stanford GSB like your old man. That’ll really seal that fucking deal, you know? You’ll be in tip-top shape to take over The Company. Harvard or not.”

“I’m not gonna major in finance, dad.”

“Oh? So what’s the plan, then?”

“I don’t know. I like Anthropology, or maybe something like PoliSci?”

“Politics? Really?”

“Yeah,” Elsa said, her jaw clenched. “I’d love to clean up some of the damage you’ve done to this country.”

A tense silence filled the air. Elsa crossed her arms over her chest and took a nice long sip of champagne.

Until Iduna piped up, “Well, if you want my opinion—”

“I don—" Elsa started.

“—a pretty young thing like you can’t work around Bill right now.”

Agnarr guffawed again. Profoundly. He raised his glass and cheered, “Oh ho ho!” Like he won some kind of stupid battle he wasn’t even in.

Anna was utterly lost. She’d already downed one whole glass of Cristal and poured herself an entire new one without anybody noticing. Hah. Classic.

She didn’t really want to admit she was, like, this stupid or politically unaware or whatever but she also wanted to feel like part of the conversation, so she said, “Wait, what? Has something happened?”

Hans gave Anna the benefit of the doubt. “Nah, but he’s known for being a pussy hound.”

“Okay! Enough! That’s not why I said I wanted to major in PoliSci. We don’t need to get into—"

“No, no, no. This is important, Elsa. You better watch out,” Agnarr said, ignoring her plea entirely. “Listen, I don’t know how a man like Bill gets it up for a woman like Hillary. She looks like such a dyke. Not that I respect the bastard that much, but he could have any broad he wants. Any broad like you.”

“No—” Elsa raised her voice, but Iduna chuckled.

“Since she’s got my cheekbones!”

Elsa’s entire face had turned a cherry red. She was mad. Fuming, really. “—you can’t say that.”

“I can say whatever the hell I want.”

“You can’t say that,” she repeated.

“Why not? You think you’re some holier-than-thou judge of character?”

Elsa’s jaw was still insatiably clenched. “I want to go home.”

“Els?” Anna reached out her hand to touch Elsa’s shoulder in a way she hoped brought at least a marginal amount of comfort.

“Seriously,” Elsa begged, her eyes glistening with what looked like fresh tears. “Can we turn this boat around? Please?”

A lump formed in Anna’s throat and she swallowed it down. She didn’t want today to end like this, so she tried to redirect. “Um… but—we’re having fun, aren’t we? You… how about we drink more champagne?”

Anna knew Elsa was mad. She knew that their parents had upset her beyond belief, but this was the only time she’d spent with all of them in the same place in… literally forever. She didn’t want it to end prematurely. No matter how mad Elsa was. Besides, Anna had been there, too. She’d been on the receiving end of comments like that countless times.

It stung, sure. But it wasn’t unexpected. That was just what happened when you spent time with Agnarr and Iduna. They were like parasites.

But the kind of parasite Anna still yearned to have in her life… if that made any sense at all?

Thankfully Elsa seemed to snap out of it a bit and turned back to Anna. “I’m sorry, yeah. You’re right. I…” She added in a whisper, “I shouldn’t let them get to me.”

“Yeah—no. Never!” Anna beamed. Crisis averted. “Drink more!”

Elsa took one big gulp of the champagne. “Maybe now’s as good a time as any. Um… I have something for you.”

“Oooh for me?!” Anna squealed when Elsa pulled out an envelope from her back pocket.

“Open it.”

It was the cutest handmade card ever. What Anna recognized instantly as something they would exchange as kids. Classic white printer paper, cut out into the shape of an A. And inside was the sweetest note of all time. Not long. Never long. Elsa wasn’t the most feelings-y. Or not so much that she wasn’t feelings-y, but she didn’t really have a knack for expressing all of the feelings that brewed deep inside her soul.

Inside this note of absolutely wonderfully sweet words was the fact that Elsa had decided to get her the most fun gift of all time—a night at the local roller rink. A disco roller rink night, too, which sounded five hundred million times more fun than any old roller rink night.

So, Anna squealed again. “Oh my God! Elsa! This sounds so, so, so fun! I’m so excited I can’t wait I’m, like, literally the most excited ever for real I’m, like, oh snap I’m rambling but that just means you know how excited I am!”

“I thought you’d like it.”

“Like it? I love it!”

“You can choose whenever you want to go. I can find a way to get here.”

“Okay! I can’t wait!”

Anna had always considered herself forever an experience over a material present person. And an experience present from Elsa of all people only made it all the more special. Quality time with her sister. Shit, she was so excited.

Honestly, ‘so excited’ hardly began to cover it. Anna was ecstatic. Absolutely ecstatic.

It felt almost like… everything was going perfectly. Kristoff’s music played in the background. Hans and her dad had started laughing and carrying on what seemed like meaningful conversation… Iduna was smiling to herself as she usually did on a Good Day. And here Elsa and Anna were. Together. For the first time in forever.

“I���m so happy!” Anna yelled this loud enough that everybody snapped to attention, expecting a speech or something of the like. “This has to be the best birthday I’ve ever had in my whole life. I… thank you for not forgetting. I know—that’s happened before, but—"

Iduna clicked her tongue. “What are you talking about? We’ve never forgotten your birthday. We’re your parents.”

…what?

Was Anna wrong? Had she made it up? She thought she remembered several birthdays in a row her parents had forgotten… since… probably since Elsa had been shipped off to boarding school. It happened at least every other year.

But.

Her mother seemed to think differently. And Anna knew she could be a bit dramatic sometimes.

So…

Maybe that was all a load of BS and Anna was actually absolutely bonkers.

Shit.

“Anna, dear, your mother’s right. We’d never forget your birthday,” Agnarr explained.

Okay, yeah. All right. So then she was literally bonkers. Batshit crazy. Living in some kind of crazy dream world?

“Okay,” was all Anna said, in a tiny voice. She didn’t know what to think.

Except that maybe she really was crazy after all.

But she tried to push that aside. Something to unpack a bit more later.

She needed to enjoy this moment.

And due to this decision, from that point on, the Duffy boat ride went smoothly. They drank their champagne. They finished a few bottles. More than any of them would care to admit, especially because Agnarr and Iduna served the alcohol to minors and whatever. But regardless, they had a great time. In the end.

Sure, Elsa refused to speak to their parents, but thankfully she was never put on the spot again so that really didn’t put a damper on anything.

Hans kept Agnarr company, Iduna kept to herself, and Anna and Elsa spent the entire time talking each other’s ear off about literally everything.

Anna made sure to include all of the dirty details of her own life. Her chest puffed out when she talked about Hans and everything they’d done to celebrate their not-relationship that Anna still continued to make Elsa believe was a real relationship.

But eventually, it came to an end.

The end of an era. The end of this somewhat happy family dynamic Anna wanted to have 100% of the time.

Agnarr and Iduna hugged the girls goodbye. They were getting dinner with some friends and had to dash.

Which left Elsa, Anna, and Hans to fend for themselves.

Anna was a little bit disappointed that her parents had left them alone, but after what she considered such a great afternoon, she didn’t want to dwell on it.

Focus on the positives, Anna! Keep those in mind!

So, she turned to Hans. The orchestrator. The one who made it all happen.

“Oooh, Hans!” Anna jumped up to give him a peck on the lips. “That was awesomesauce! Like, hands down the best birthday—I totally, totally loved it, thank you!”

“Hold that thought, babe,” he smiled, snaking one hand around her waist and using the other to cup her chin. “I’ve still got one more thing planned.”

“Really, really? You do?”

“To the beach house!”

Anna giggled. She loved him. She now officially loved her birthday. She couldn’t wait.

[choiceswreckedme]

Anniversary

@choicesnovemberchallenge Day 2: Anniversary

Book: Perfect Match

Thank you, everyone, for all of your support from Day One’s entry! I hope you enjoy today’s angst-free installment. 

Tagging some people who may want to read - I promise I will put together an actual tag list soon. If I didn’t tag you and you would like to be, just comment!

@burnsoslow @debramcg1106 @cora-nova @dcbbw @indiacater @kate-mckenzie @darley1101

Damien raced through the rain-slicked streets of Brooklyn, dread in the pit of his stomach. He’d lost track of time, again. This case was an intriguing one; a woman who had been adopted as an infant was searching for her birth parents and Damien had finally had a breakthrough on the birth father. Interestingly enough, he was a high-profile business magnate with plenty of secrets, and Damien spent the better part of the day digging through the man’s past.

Now, it was after seven and he knew he would be in deep shit. It was their anniversary - their fifth anniversary - and he’d completely blown it. He had no flowers, no gifts. Just his own late ass, speeding to get home to Quinn.

She’d be so disappointed. The pregnancy had been so difficult on her, afflicted with Hyperemesis Gravidarum for nearly five months. She’d spent weeks in bed, exhausted and too sick to move. It was only in the past couple of weeks she’d begun to feel better, and tonight they were going to celebrate tamely at home, with a meal Quinn could keep down and some post-dinner snuggling while they watched Guardians of the Galaxy for the 37th time. 

Damien haphazardly parallel parked across the street from the brownstone and tore up the three flights of stairs to their apartment. Unlocking the door and stepping inside, he was dismayed to see the darkened living room with no sign of Quinn. He closed his eyes in defeat. Quinn was his world, was everything to him, and he couldn’t even get this right for her. He was a terrible husband. 

Shrugging off his jacket and tossing it over the back of the worn, brown armchair, Damien stepped quietly down the hall where a flicker of light emanated from their bedroom. Tentatively poking his head through the doorway, Damien’s heart melted at the sight before him. 

Curled up on his side of the bed, Quinn slept soundly. Her dark hair lay fanned out across his pillow, her favorite gray throw wrapped around her. The TV on the dresser played an episode of “Friends,” the sound so low it was nearly on mute. Damien stood there for a moment, his heart pounding in his chest, wondering for the hundredth time how he’d gotten so lucky to spend his life with his best friend and soulmate. She was beautiful and peaceful, yet he couldn’t help but want to slide in next to her and hold her warm curves against his body, feel their baby stirring in her belly between them. 

Toeing off his shoes and shucking down to his underwear, Damien curled next to Quinn, tucking the end of the blanket around them both and pulling her close. Content in her sleep, Quinn rolled over and snuggled into him, sighing out in a small puff that warmed the skin of Damien’s chest. He gently stroked her waves back from her face, marveling at the intensity of his love for her. Kissing her forehead softly, Damien whispered into the stillness.

“Happy Anniversary, Beautiful.”

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

The Umbrella Academy in: The Triwizard Tournament

Chapter 1- Prologue 

Read on ao3

“Hold on! It’s gonna get messy!” shouted Five. He needed to concentrate on the math for this jump. One teensy miscalculation and it was over. Five steeled his resolve and did his calculations as quickly as he could while multiplying all the variables by 7 to make up for the extra consciousnesses. He couldn’t remember if a specific variable was for the universe, or the universal truth of time travel overriding previous memories in a consciousness. He decided better safe than sorry, and multiplied that by 7 too. He didn’t want to accidentally leave behind memories for a few of his siblings or himself! 

The fire was getting closer and closer, but in a tension filled turn, Five ex machina, they managed to escape in a swirling pit of blue and white lights. The universe folded around them like the way a baker folds in chocolate chips. Right about then everyone felt like the eggs being beaten into the butter and sugar. The universe was the hand mixer and they were being pulled apart and combined to make something else.

Then they separated. They weren’t the binding agent anymore. Now they were like everyone else. They were separate entities surrounded by the fabric of the universe, or dough, in this analogy. Five immediately decided that all sweets were the root of evil and threw up where they landed. 

Where are we anyway? Five wondered. When are we? Was also a very pressing question, but that was not the case for everyone else. 

“Five! Are you ok- is that blood‽” Diego moved to help Five get up from the crushed puddle of time traveler that he had become. Oh, fun, he was throwing up stomach acid. And blood, too.

Five pushed Diego away and forced himself to his feet. This was a mistake. The cool grass was looking more enticing every second he stood upon it. “We need the exact date. We need- shit.” Five’s head was spinning. It felt worse than the hangover he got sometime around his 37th birthday, and the hangover he got after the library during apocalypse week, combined. 

Someone saying, “Guys, we’re like 17 or 18 again,” interrupted the stomping elephants. Five was pretty sure it was Klaus. It was Diego. He interrupted again:

“You’re not 13 anymore, Five” 

“Great,” Five said through clenched teeth. 

“Ben,” Allison gasped. 

Five guessed that part of his massive headache must have been the strain of somehow bringing Ben back to the land of the living.  Too bad he missed the reunion. He saw Ben and then he saw the still-passed-out Vanya, and decided to follow her lead. He went down, and mercifully, it was away from the puddle of vomit. 

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

When Five woke up again, he was in his bed with Vanya sitting up on the far edge. It was still dark outside. Ben was reading a book to her in his desk chair. She had also overloaded on her powers. They probably wanted to keep watch over both of them together and decided that Ben was the least likely to piss Vanya off or something.

“Good morning, Five,” Ben said while marking his page. 

“Ben, you and Vanya-? What happened?” Five managed to rasp out. Vanya handed him a glass of water and he gulped it greedily. 

“Once you passed out, we figured out we were in the park about four blocks from home, and then Vanya woke up and started screaming, it was-”

“About what?” Five was growing more concerned as he kept talking. In the 13 years and about a week he knew Vanya, he couldn’t remember her raising her voice once. The only other time he had ever seen her vaguely angry, she blew up the moon. This must have been huge.

“Before I destroyed the house, Luther locked me in a cage Dad built to contain me when my powers got out of hand.” Vanya looked angry just talking about it.

“Why the hell would he do that? Jesus, that’s- that’s…” Five was in complete disbelief at Luther’s stupidity. 

“I know. I thought Vanya was going to kill him. He did that because Vanya used her powers to cut Allison’s throat and vocal chords. He was probably scared for the safety of others. That doesn't necessarily justify it, but...” Ben trailed off. 

Five blinked. What do you say to that anyway? If a mind reader were to look into Five’s head they would see: “My sister seriously injured my other sister, and my brother locked up the sister that did the injuring about it. What?” 

“So, we found a newspaper in the park,” Vanya said while she handed it to him.

“August 29th, 1994. That’s… weird.” Five was referring to their appearances. They should be about five years old, but they looked like they were in their late teens. 

“On page six, there’s a small article that mentions the miracle birth of 43 children that were all promptly adopted after October 1, 1975. We’re 16,” Vanya said. “You were only out for a few hours so in about 10 minutes it will be the 30th” 

Five flipped to page six. 

Tension In the Scientific Community

By Gerald Driver

  There has been tension between scientists ever since the spontaneous births of 43 children on October 1, 1975. Some scientists are arguing that they should have gotten a chance to study the mothers and children before Sir Reginald Hargreeves adopted them. 

  One scientist, Dr. Michael Harding argues, “We should have been able to see what happened. If this happens to other women this could be very bad. We were lucky that these women were all able to give birth and all parties survived. How can we prevent this in the future?”

  It has been almost 17 years since the miracle birth. If it were going to happen again, it would have. 

  Another scientist, Dr. Olivia Spencers, has stated, “I don’t see the need to experiment on children.”

  She seems to have the right idea. Children are precious regardless of how they were born or who their fathers, or lack thereof, are. No child should have to grow up experimented on. 

  We attempted to reach Sir Reginald Hargreeves, but he was unavailable for comment. 

Gerald Driver must be very young or very new. It was one of the worst articles Five had ever read, but it was informative for their purposes. 

Five looked up from the article to see Vanya and Ben who were waiting for him to finish reading it. Five always thought Vanya and Ben were the two most tolerable out of the whole house. God, he missed them. He must have had a strange look on his face because Ben put his book down on the bedside table and tentatively took his hand in a gentle way that didn’t feel as overwhelming as other touches have felt since the apocalypse. Vanya gave him a small smile, but she did not move to touch him. 

“We should sleep. Tomorrow we can see what changed and talk to the others. For tonight, we should just get to bed.” Ben slowly moved to get up. Five was beginning to feel tired again anyway. He said his goodnights to Ben and Vanya and then walked over to his lightswitch to shut it off. Then he heard Allion speak through the door. 

“Vanya, I wanted to talk to you.” Her voice was soft and delicate in a way Five had never heard in his life, but he recognised as nearly maternal. 

“Allison- Allison I am so, so sorry.” It hurt to hear Vanya pleading like that. Her voice sounded a bit strained. She was probably about to cry from guilt. Five felt uncomfortable, but he continued to listen even after he turned his light off. 

“No, Vanya, I was wrong, I shouldn’t have tried to-” 

“Allison I was irrational, you were probably going to calm me down, right? I am so sorry-”

“Want to call it even? I tried to rumor you, you temporarily took my powers. We both did shitty things to each other.” Allison sounded strange. Her voice was a bit hoarse and her tone was a bit off from the sister he remembered. She must be near tears too, Five thought. 

“I’ll take it. We both need to work on the whole sisters thing, huh,” Vanya was still strained, but she could pass for normal if Five wasn’t paying as much attention. 

Five felt like he had walked in on a very private moment. He heard two pairs of feet walking down the hall, and then decided to close his door, and finally go to sleep. “After the hell week I’ve had, I deserve it,” was Five’s last thought before his head hit the pillow and he drifted off to sleep without extreme exhaustion or alcohol. It was the best sleep he had gotten in nearly 46 years.

[pettyelves]

take what we want

If there was one thing Eilithe and Kurel held in common-- it was deeply rooted pettiness. None were safe from mostly light-hearted needling-- not employees, not old friends, not their own children-- and certainly not each other. 

There was a whole list of a reasons why Eilithe Duskbringer wanted to gut Captain Leeder for calling her Mistress Duskbringer. The first and largest reason-- was that she got Kurel An’Diel started.

Mistress. Yes, Mistress. You won’t do shit, Mistress.  All night at the outdoor cafe, he grated her with the title. It was perhaps, amusing the first seven times-- but by the end of the night it was dragging irritation over her entire body.  Every time was pointed reminder.

Mistress, not Missus.  It was around the fortieth utterance of her ‘new title’ that she decided. And perhaps this was an excuse-- a moment that she could point to and say. I warned you~ in a teasing sing-song.  At the end, it was because she wanted something he had-- and by the rights of his own rules. She could take it. 

Despite his irritating her the length of the group outing, that night she went to bed with him in lust. Their night left her only two hours to speak of for sleeping, before she rose out of bed with darkness still heavy on the harbor. She’d cooked breakfast and gotten out the front door before the bells for first light had a chance to ring. 

By nine bells, it was finished. 

Evidence of the depths Eilithe was willing to go to to A) get what she wanted, and B) get revenge on Kurel An’Diel were left in a place where she knew it would do the most damage. Reveria, her dear-- sweet sister-in-law, was many things. Among the good and the bad, Reveria did love some juicy gossip. So on Tuesday morning, Reveria would find a folder placed upon her desk, neatly in the center. Every page and document 

NOTICE OF LEGAL NAME CHANGE

Read the first page, followed by a notarized statement of legal change of Eilithe’s name on her Alliance papers. A placeholder was left in the file for the Horde version of said papers. Next came the slew of payroll and Dead Sun-specific papers. All with the same change to the signature at the bottom of it. The coup de gras, however, was the finally page-- which was a certified copy which read: 

CERTIFICATION OF MARRIAGE This certifies that on August 25th, in the 37th year ADP, that Eilithe Duskbringer and Kur’elnth An’Diel were joined in marriage. 

Kurel’s signature was made pointedly different than Eilithe’s and held a series of chicken scratch marks more than an actual name. If compared to the original deed for the Empress-- the signature was an exact match. 

But beside that was the big, bold, and proud swooping of Eilithe’s own handwriting and it read: 

By the time anyone, groom included, knew of her nuptials-- she’d be aboard The Vengeance and half-way to Pandaria.

[ @kurel-andiel @revthepunchbear ] 

[forgiven-whimsy]

Birthday Story time!

Tuesday was my 37th birthday, was mostly just a day, kids were being their usual end of summer kid selves, we had cake, sang happy birthday, and I put littlest bug to bed. Husband was being snippy, and it was obvious something was bothering him, but he had gone out of his was to be extra sweet, ordered me some new slippers, and even made me a hair appointment cause he know I hate calling and making appointments, so pretty decent low key birthday, just the way I like it.

A quick aside, Sunday was raid night, we're on Eden 2 savage progression, we're hitting the enrage, so we're close, but I had an off night, my uptime was in the shitter. I play white mage, I reached out to my co healer and have some solid strategies to improve and I was excited to implement them on Wednesday, which was second raid night, we only raid 2 nights a week.

Back to the story, after putting littlest bug to bed, and husband tucking the two older bugs to bed we head down to watch some wrestling and hang out with husband. He apologizes to me for being short tempered and off, and then proceeds to tell me why....and man....here we go.

So we raid with a bunch of friends we've known since game launch, we've been playing with these folks on and off for roughly 6 years, not always on the same raid teams, but we know each other and consider each other friends. Back when husband and me came back from our hiatus 2 weeks before Shadowbringers (we were gone almost the entirety of Stormblood, so about 2 years, I stopped raiding after final coil, cause I had just had a baby, and couldn't commit to raid times....cause baby, so the last time I seriously raided was about 4.5 ish years ago) a bunch of them got really excited and wanted to know if we were able and wanted to raid again. Husband and me jumped at the chance. We had 6/8 people ready to go and so raid lead starts recruiting the last two dps we'll need. He was adamant throughout this that this was a casual raid with friends, no pressure, 2 nights a week is hardly competitive progression, and that me and husband being rusty in our roles was no problem. I even spoke to him privately, explaining it's literally been years, and that I can be slow to learn, but I'll give it my all and that once I get a mechanic...I get it, but so long as they can be patient with me, and accept those things, I'll put the work in to improve.

Back to Tuesday night, husband let's me know that I've been cut from the team. Raid lead not only went to my husband instead of me to cut me, he never discussed the issues he was having with me, never gave me a chance to improve, even after me and my co healer had come up with some strategies and advice for me to use. He cuts me without any consultation from any of the team, he tells my husband he doesn't think I can hack it in the tier in general, and that he would be replacing me. Husband got the discord message at around 9am and gave him the entire day to reconsider and make a better call. He goes on to contact the rest of the team to see what they know about this, no one has heard boo, also, no one has any issues with me or our rate of progression, they noticed I'd had an off night on Sunday, but we all have off nights, and didn't think anything of it. Husband goes back to raid lead, reminding him of the expectations of the raid group as a whole and how he was going back on his word, how he was prioritizing a game over actual friendship, how it was unfair to cut me without giving me a chance to improve, and that it goes without saying if I get cut, he's leaving, Husband waited until 8pm to tell me. So there goes a tank and a healer.

News gets out, and our dancer, who was one of our new recruits, and the only other woman on the team, decides no thanks, turns out me and husband were her favorite people on the team and she writes to me letting me know how much she cares about me and how welcome I made her feel, and how the decision is garbage, and that girls stick together.( her voice through the guys off, she stated her pronouns I immediately switched to her preferred pronouns and carried on like nothing and the rest of the team fell in line.) So a most welcome ride or die! 

So keep in mind we still haven't filled our 8th position, and raid lead now needs to fill not 2 but 4 spots. My co healer, the one person in the entire team who husband and I are closest to, the one who really pushed for us to come back to the game is feeling shitty and pissed in equal measure. He's getting in raid leaders face, calling him out on the bs, going to bat for me. Second tank and dragoon are also pissed, they don't care about the rate of progression, they both just wanted to play with friends and do some raiding, especially now that raid lead is changing his tune, suggesting two more raid nights, talking better parses upping everyone's game, ect ect...so we end Tuesday there. Raid leader has yet to contact me directly btw, he hasn't said a goddamn word to me about cutting me directly.

Wednesday morning, after a shitty sleep, and littlest bug waking multiple times has me and husband cranky, but I'm going to a theater festival with my mom to go see Othello, something I've been looking forward to for months I refuse to let this fuckery ruin my mood. The sad disappointment has turned to angry indignation, and I'm determined to be petty by continuing to play, in raid leads fc, that he invited me to, I am determined not to run away and cry and hide like I normally would, I am determined to be a duck and let this roll off my back in the most passive aggressive way possible...since you know, he still hasn’t technically cut me, CAUSE HE HASN’T TALKED TO ME! 

I have the best day yesterday, the production of Othello was one of the best I've ever seen, we had a fantastic lunch, got to connect with my mom who I'm really close with. Get the kids to bed, and husband, who is as petty as me suggests we log in at raid time with our dancer friend and run maps and other content. We get on I have an ingame mail, it's from raid lead, he's apologizing, not for cutting me, not for being a coward and not speaking to me directly, not for refusing to give me a chance to improve, no no, he's apologizing for doing it on my birthday. He sent me a flying bed mount, it's currently on the market board for 10.5 million gil, I did not reply to the letter. We find tank 2 and co healer in discord, so we hop on to shoot the shit, and chat, cause we're all buddies. Second tank asks us if we we're still interested in raiding, with the same team.....minus raid leader. Husband, dancer and me are like, hell fucking yes we are!!

And that's the story of how my old raid leader kicked himself out of his own raid team.

We refer to the flying bed as the hush money bed, the rest of the team is upset they also didn’t get a flying bed for the upheaval the wanker caused. Dude is throwing a pity party threatening to quit the game....no one cares. It’s been almost 6 years of him pulling shit like this, people are done with his bull shit.

SO if any of you play a dps class on Aether and are looking for a ridiculous, fun and easy going raid team to join who have zero tolerance when it comes to drama, we have two spots open, knowledge of your class is a bonus, but a good attitude and willingness to learn and improve is more important. We run Sundays and Wednesdays from 8-11 est. A caster and physical dps are preferred but we're willing to try a myriad of dps. Our current comp is: pld/drk, sch/whm, drg/dnc. shoot me a message here, or hit me up on Shiloh Mitka on Midgarsormr in game. 

[life-ingwithme-blog]

New day, new breakfast. A new beginning. A new beginning, for the 37th time this year.

Whilst I made myself breakfast -the one in the picture, I was feeling good about life. I was looking forward to it. I was motivated. I may have not looked the best, but I knew that I had the potential to change that. Flip my life the other way around. I could be happy, confident, social, beautiful.

All these thoughts whilst I prepared an omelette and a few tomatoes.

24th of June, I had enough of it. Enough of feeling bad and not being able to look at my own reflection. I remember crying pointlessly for hours. It was torture; hating yourself. Now, hate is a strong word and I strongly did hate myself. I still do, but I guess it’s sometimes difficult to accept that. I had started to avoid looking after myself, doing stuff I enjoyed doing. All of the hate and that feeling of worthlessness bottled up inside of me, somehow. And that feeling finally arrived; the-do-something. And so I did. (So I thought.)

Sat in front of my laptop, wrote a long ass paragraph about how I truly felt and how from this day and on, I’d add some changes into my life and become my old happy self. (My ass.)

Wrote the paragraph, read it a few times. Went to sleep. At this point, I knew for a fact that I wouldn’t be eating anything unhealthy, I wouldn’t ditch the gym when I didn’t feel like it. I will clean my face every morning. Drink 3 litres of water every day. Study hard every day. Be social every day.

It just seemed so possible, at that moment. Just as I was about to go to sleep.

And so I woke up, ridiculously excited to prepare this ‘healthy’ breakfast that symbolized the beginning of my new life. Even took a picture, because why not.

Funny enough, this had happened exactly a month ago. Am I super healthy and pretty and clean and social and successful right now? Nope.

On my second day, I saw a chocolate bar and went for it straight away without thinking.

The other day, there wasn’t anything decent to eat at home, so I ordered fried chicken.

Oh, let me tell you about the joy I feel, that warm feeling inside, when I eat food. That’s majorly unhealthy.

I feel so good. It’s unreal. The telly’s on, a thriller, a comedy, romance.

I eat, eat, eat. I don’t even realize what or how much I am eating at this point.

Once I’m done, here comes the regret. The feeling of failure. Worthless.

Physically or mentally, I feel like shit after eating food that’s shit for my body.

Why don’t I stop myself when I know I can? When I know that it will benefit me in the future? It’ll make me be happy once again.

I’m at a point in my life where I can easily compare myself to everyone and everything. And I always manage to find something that’s wrong with me and my body.

Physically and mentally.

It’s 40 degrees outside and I can’t wear a short-sleeved t-shirt.

I get invited to boat trips, to the beach, to some house party.

Yet, all I think about is

What am I going to wear?

Is it going to make me look fat?

Are the people coming going to look better than me?

I feel excited when I get an invite out; to meet up with friends, to do something.

Nowadays the excitement fades within minutes and the invitations are always rejected.

I sit at home, in my bed. And do nothing.

This is not me.

My plan right now, was to post the previous paragraph I had written a month ago, before I made myself that breakfast in the picture. But when I went on my Notes app to copy it, I somehow managed to delete the whole thing. I tried pressing ‘Undo’ but it just did not work.

I was quite bummed about it at first, I really wasn’t planning on writing again. But when I thought about it, maybe I had face the fact that, I wasn’t motivated like I was back when I wrote that paragraph.

It consisted sentences like ‘I will eat healthy, I will be social, I will change my life,’ etc and right now, I don’t believe in that crap, not even a little bit.

Though I would like to.

To me, this picture represents failure. I’ve put in all my work, all of my motivation into this plate. Just /knowing/ that this was it, my life was going to change. It didn’t work out.

Yet, I suppose you have to fail in order to know what failure genuinely feels like, so that you won’t ever want to face it again.

I’m not promising myself anything. I’m not going to put any pressure on myself either. I’ll try to avoid using I will’s and I won’t’s.

I just want to give it my best go.

[scoups4lyfe]

Journal Entries (3)

These are all mood journal entries (so super short / concise) of mine; where I chart my daily moods over a period of time.

These go up to when I stopped mood journaling

(which I didn't start doing again until this last month or so, why I stopped? I don't know I was hypomanic-manic from OCT 2021 up to a majority of 2022; and got caught up in life that I forgot to mood journal. That -- and a lot o the time I felt I was doing "good" and when I'm doing good I forget to journal....lol. Anyways, seeing as I was hypomanic for months on end I, uh....wasn't as 'good' as I thought I was hghgnhghngh.) )

Part: [1], [2], [3], [4] Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], {5}, [6]

ok.

Wednesday August 4th 2021 (43rd)

took meds: yes (8:45 AM) 

Mood: 8/10

Energy: 7.7/10 (8:46am) 

Woke up at 6AM 

(2:43 PM: I still feel pretty good. Mood: 8/10, energy: 7.5/10) :))

I got a lot of work done today: reading, writing, exercising, turning in a job app >:))

...

Friday August 6th 2021 (45th) (2nd) 

taken 2 meds: yes x2 (9:48 am) 

(10:30 am) m: 6.5/10  e: 6.2/10 

(1:33pm) Had 1 shot of espresso in my frapp and dawg. If Jaemin gets

three shots of espresso homie really do be on another plane of existence.

(2 pm) m: 8/10  e: 7.8/10

(5:49 pm) m: 8/10 e: 7.8/10

Did you get work done? Baby you got 8/10 of your work done. 

Overall day: Amazing. Brilliant. Fantastic. My crops are watered.

...

Tuesday Aug 10th 2021 (49th) (6th)

taken 2 meds? Yes (11:20 am) 

Broooo I couldn’t fall asleep until 5:30am last night and had to be up by 9:30am for my food sensitivity appointment. Rippppp. I feel like crap. I should’ve taken a melatonin. 

...

Saturday Aug 14th 2021 (53rd) (10th)

taken two meds? Yes (1:07pm)

M:6/10  e:6/10 

I feel nice, pretty normal, a little wired sometimes. I was somewhat productive.

....

Monday Aug 16th 2021 (55th) (12th)

took 2 meds? Yes (6:32 pm) 

I don’t really feel good so I’m gonna try and go to sleep (it’s 9:50 pm).

Last night / these last few days I’ve been having trouble sleeping :(. 

...

Thursday Aug 19th 2021 (58th) (15th)

took two meds? YES (12:20 pm) 

Broooooo I read and read and didn’t stop reading yesterday. Exactly 24 hrs or a bit more—  solidly awake. 

...

Sunday Sept 5th 2021 (74th) (31st) 

took two meds? YES.(12:35 pm) 

Mood: 2/10. Energy: —— 

No will to do anything. Didn’t want to even get out of bed. Taking my meds helped, but I still didn’t want to do anything and slept all day. 

...

Tuesday Sept 7th 2021 (76th) (33rd) 

took two meds? YES (3:49 PM) 

The no energy/mood to do anything continues.

...

Wednesday Sept 8th 2021 (77th) (34th)

took two meds? YES (7:35 PM) 

I slept mostly all day when I didn’t need to…but now I feel a lot better than I did previously? 

...

Thursday Sept 9th 2021 (78th) (35th)

took two meds? YES (9:52 pm) 

Got obsessive with reading and lost sight of reality 

...

?????

NOTE: I black-out from thursday the 9th to Saturday the 11th. I don't remember sh*t that happened at all between that time, hence the '?????' -- Which was actually written down on my phone in the mood journal (LOL)

...

Saturday Sept 11th 2021 (79th) (36th)

took two meds? YES (1:36 pm) 

Hmm I feel okay? Maybe a bit tired. 

...

Sunday Sept 12th 2021 (80th) (37th) 

took two meds? YES (2:17 pm) 

I got some work done. But I’m still not in the realm of reality, it seems.

...

Friday Sept 17th 2021 (85th) (42nd) 

took two meds? YES (5:51 pm)

Really struggling to get work done, but I at least did a little bit today. (Seeing as I haven’t done sh*t in like 10 days :///) 

...

Saturday Sept 18th 2021 (86th) (43rd)

took two meds? YES (5:51pm) 

Got a shit ton of work done both with writing and I did all of my laundry!!

...

Tuesday Sept 21st 2021 (88th) (45th)

took two meds? YES 

(Basically skipped Monday cause I slept through Monday …) 

...

Monday: Oct 18th 2021 (115) (72)

took two meds? YES (12 pm) 

For the last two weeks I’ve slept only 4 hours each night. Sometimes less. But I’m not tired? 

...

Monday Oct 25th 2021 (122) (79)

took two meds? Yes (11:46 am) 

I slept perhaps 2 hrs last night (9am to 11:30 am) but God is with me and I feel good and awake. So praise God. Thank you Lord, Amen. <333

Mood: 7.5/10. Energy:7.5/10 

[End of Mood Journal Entries]

NOTE: Moving forward the rest of the entries are from my journal and then my online journal -- the mood journaling only continues around OCT and NOV of 2022

[Prev] [Next]

[bobbyseyesmile]

Blood Money - Chapter 4

GENRE: Mafia AU, Angst, Mentioning of violence 

Chapter 4 

"Why is it always me? Am I the damn babysitter for you?"

Jiyong sat relaxed in his leather chair and stared at his little brother. Seungri stormed furiously into his office and whined for ten minutes about how he would be treated unfairly. Actually, Jiyong didn’t had time for this, he had to plan a party. And to be honest he wanted to kick his little brothers ass right out of his office... However, Jiyong loved Seungri and no matter what came to the little ones mind again, most of the time the elder fulfilled his wishes.

The fact that Seungri was the youngest and an unplanned child, made him living in the shadows of his two older brothers. It was crystal clear that he could never take over the top position, which was intended for the eldest, Seunghyun, and even if he renounced, it went automatically to the second oldest. In that case, Jiyong.

Nevertheless, Seungri worked his balls off with so much enthusiasm and competitive spirit, it impressed his two older brothers but also concerned them at the same time.

"What? Have you swallowed your tongue?" Seungri folded his arms.

"Don’t be so sassy..." Jiyong muttered quietly. He had a headache and preferred his bed at the moment and a few hours of sleep.  "No, of course you're not the babysitter. But we can’t leave that girl alone, who knows what stupid shit comes to her mind. I need Seunghyun for the party tonight, we plan to intensify some relations. I also need Taeyang as my personal bodyguard and Daesung is our sniper. Do you see the connections, small Seungri?"

Jiyong took the legs of his desk and sat upright now in his chair. Seungri sat opposite of him and looked to the ground.

"I just ask you to take care of her. Only tonight. For the next party you’re in, okay? It is only for today. Anyway, the problem will be solved in a few days."

"Solved?" the younger asked and looked skeptically at his brother.  "What do mean with solved?"

"Don’t be so dumb, Seungri. You know exactly what happens with hostages."

Jiyong’s voice sounded calm, as if he'd just talk about a boring football game. Seungri couldn’t believe it. They wanted to kill her...?

"You want to... kill her?"

"Of course." The elder looked at him closely. What else? What should Jiyong do with a spoiled brat if not fucking kill her after she was used for their benefit.

"But what's the point in that? She said that she could not help us! Her father is bankrupt after all.” Seungri sounded somehow angry and Jiyong looked at him skeptically. He had a nasty suspicion and hoped that he was wrong.

"Seungri? The girl doesn’t means anything to you, or?"

"No! That's not it. I don't care but why must we kill her for it? She doesn’t even like her father and has nothing on the hat with all his business!"

"And what do you suggest otherwise? Should we let her go?" Jiyong asked and lit himself a cigarette at the same time. "Or no, even better, we just drop her off. At the Bahamas! There she is safe."

Seungri immediately recognized the sarcastic tone in the voice of his brother. He somehow knew that Jiyong would be deaf for his suggestion to let Allison live, but still, he was hoping that his brother would understand it. That they had an innocent young girl in their hand.

"If you really want to mock me with such a crap, then fucking warn me the next time. I do not approve to this bullshit just because you're a coward. Pull yourself together or leave. But if you continue with that attitude, better go out of my sight before I nail your ass over my fireplace. Got it?"

Jiyong couldn't believe how soft his little brother sometimes was. In many ways, he was tough as steel and he didn't care if he blew the brain out of one or ten men, but for other things, especially women and children, he was transformed into mother Theresa.

"I asked if you’d understand?" Jiyong asked again, this time much louder and with sharpness in the voice.

"Yes..." Seungri muttered back.

"Good." The elder puffed on his cigarette and also offered one to his brother. Although he didn't like it when his little brother smoked, it was a peace offer this time. Seungri took it and Jiyong gave him fire while watching him taking a deep breath of the cigarette. 

"I'm sorry. I didn’t want to yell at you." Jiyong said quietly. He knew that he sometimes treated Seungri like a toddler, and although Jiyong was just a few years older. Six to be exact. Seungri became 25 fresh and Jiyong had his 31st birthday in a few months. He hated to turn older. Seunghyun in contrast, who celebrated his 37th birthday this year, had no problem at all. He seemed to grow old in dignity and enjoyed every year that came to his life experience.

Seungri nodded and finished his cigarette.

"It's okay."

But actually it wasn’t okay. He knew that Jiyong often had mood swings and for 70% of the time, he was one of the most insufferable persons in the whole universe... On the other hand Seungri couldn’t deny the fact that Jiyong constantly worried about him and only wanted his best. Unfortunately, he showed his big brother love just very strangely...

"Listen, Ri..." Jiyong started and stubbed out his cigarette. "Maybe someday I’m not here anymore, and then it would be your turn to take over. You know Seunghyun don't want this position but we need a successor. And this would be your role. I just want to prepare you for all situations and the unexpected. Do you really think I would have made it this far if I always show mercy?"

"No." Seungri answered honestly. He knew that Jiyong was right, he only wished that his brother would be more warmhearted towards his own family.

"Well, you and Seunghyun are very similar to mom... And that is a good thing. She was the opposite of Dad whenever he freaked out again or threw a tantrum, but still, our father was never a sissy. He ruled all the underground organisations with iron fist, just after mom’s death he turned somehow... nice." Jiyong took a short break.

Her mother died eight years ago, her father seven years. Jiyong knew that Seungri was still young when he lost his parents, he was a teenager and suffered enormous under this lost. Shortly before his death, her father had married again, he just couldn’t bare all the loneliness. His second wife however, was a stupid and greedy whore, but got generously paid after his death so that she get the fuck away. Jiyong took over the entire organisation when he was only 24 and brought the business higher than his father had ever achieved it. This was because Jiyong was feared by everyone.

"Stop it." Seungri mumbled. "I don't want to hear it." He stood up and started to walk around in the large office. 

"All right, all right." Jiyong lifted his hands apologetically. He knew how sensitive his little brother responded to this topic.

"Fine... I play the babysitter for you BUT only today and for the last fucking time!" Seungri finally agreed and sighed.

And actually it didn’t sound that bad... It could be much worse than stuck with a pretty brown-haired in Seunghyun’s house. Jiyong’s party would probably be so or so boring and most of the women were just bought for an evening.

The older one smiled satisfied. He knew anyway that Seungri would have agreed sooner or later, but Jiyong didn’t want to force him.

"I know I can rely on you, Ri."

"Yeah, yeah..." the younger one muttered as he walked out of Jiyong’s office.

"Seunghyun?" Seungri yelled trough the house. Hours later after he left Jiyong he now stood in the huge Villa of his oldest brother, and was waiting for a response. Nothing.

Seungri sighed and strolled to the living room, or better said the hall. After all, an entire house would fit into this room. First he indulged himself a sip of Seunghyun’s 40-year-old scotch and then sank into his huge sofa when Seunghyun suddenly entered the room.

"I see you already made yourself comfortable." He smiled while he tied his tie.

"You look good." Seungri said and earned a smile from his brother. "Are you on a hunt for a delicious one-night stand tonight?"

Seunghyun laughed softly and are also poured himself a scotch. "I don't know yet. Depends on whether Jiyong selected  exquisite whores this time.”

"Oh, I'm sure he also selected a few male whores for you." Seungri winked knowingly.

It didn’t even surprised him a bit when Seunghyun told them that he was gay. Jiyong was visibly surprised, and somewhat concerned, but Seungri just shrugged his shoulders. He had guessed it anyway for a long time before. Seunghyun was almost never seen with a woman, he also never had a girlfriend, at least Seungri couldn’t remember if he ever saw a woman on Seunghyun’s side.

"I don't know. I think he still not so over the shock."

"About what? That you're gay? Oh come on, Jiyong is just prude and probably only likes boring vanilla sex. He is just narrow-minded. Forget it."

"Hmm... Maybe you're right." Seunghyun muttered back and settled down in front of Seungri. "And you? Playing babysitter again?"

"Hmmm..." the younger grumbled and emptied his glass within one gulp. “But it’s fine. The party’s probably fucking boring anyway.”

"For you. Because you're young and only like this club bullshit." Seunghyun laughed and Seungri grinned.

"Better than Mozart."

"We’re not listening to Mozart. But who am I telling this, you’re just a low-brow."

"Oh please..." Seungri rolled his eyes. "Save your art talks for someone else..."

"I have to go now." Seunghyun drank his scotch and put the glass on the small table next to him. "You know what you have to do?"

“Yeah... I mean, I think. Are there any rules?" Seungri raised an eyebrow.

"Actually there are some. You will not beat her, don't even touch her, you're going to be nice to her and you're careful that she’s not entering my office.”

"That's all?"

"That's all. Otherwise she can move freely in this house and do what she likes to do." Seunghyun declared and Seungri nodded.

"All right. This is going to be easy."

"She's all right. A pleasant roommate. Be nice to her."

"No need to tell me twice." The younger one smiled just as his brother put on his jacket and turned to go. Seunghyun stopped in his movements and gave him a severe look.

"And before I forget it: You're not having sex with her."

Seungri watched his older brother disappearing through the door, mouth agape. Not that he had planned things like that, but he would never reject Allison when she would make the first move. 

After a few minutes sitting on the couch and starring at the ceiling, he decided to check up on the girl. Seunghyun had ten guest rooms, therefore Seungri had to check a few rooms until he finally found Allison's. It was on the third floor besides the plant room and the library. His brother had a weakness for exotic orchids.

Well, Seungri liked Rugby and lazy evenings in front of the PlayStation but each one his own, right?

"Allison?" he asked quietly and peeked into her room. Only when he heard water splashing, he realized that she had to be in the bathroom.

Seungri decided just to wait for her and sat down on the bed while he played with his cell phone and then decided to text Daesung. The sniper of the group was also Seungri’s closest friend, and both men shared a little secret no one else knew...

Seungri chuckled to himself when suddenly the bathroom door opened. Allison didn’t even noticed the youngest of the Kwon brothers and casually walked in the room when Seungri started to laugh softly and nearly frightened her to death.

"What the...?" she squeaked and grabbed her racing heart.

Seungri in turn looked relaxed up and down and then smirked while he raised an eyebrow. "Pretty legs."

[s-hadow-chan]

Moving blogs + a reflection essay

tl;dr -- I’m moving my main blog. Because lots of my views on life have changed, my life has changed, and obviously my tastes in fandoms have changed. I’ll put the URL here later once I’ve made it. To see how I got to this position and where I am now, keep reading ^w^

Note: This is just my own opinion as to how I’ve seen Tumblr over the past few years. 

Well, it’s the start of a New Year. I haven’t been active much in 2017 but I’ll try and be active this year. Thanks to all the people who’ve helped and supported me this year and the following people who have made my life on Tumblr : *a list of people I rarely talk to anymore*

....Is what I would have said perhaps a year or two ago. I’m still glad I’ve joined this site and had conversations with some KnB fanatics like I was. However, I haven’t talked to them in a year. The only people I usually talk to on this site are basically nonexistent. I mean my friends from high school technically, but I talk to them irl during classes and lunch. The truth is that I have not been active on Tumblr for the past year. And my activity on the site was starting to wane in 2016 as well when I accidentally deleted my main blog last year when I was actually trying to delete a side blog I was working on. But that’s besides the fact as to why I’m moving. I’ve changed quite a bit since 2014 when I first joined Tumblr. My views of the world have changed, my life has changed, even the tiniest things such as my fandom tastes have changed. Because of this change, I’m moving to a new blog. Since you’ve decided to keep reading, I’m going to write a long detailed essay about the three things that have changed with me: my taste, my views on the world, and my life in 2014. You have the complete freedom to click out anytime ^w^

The fourteen-year-old me has a different shit taste in anime than the shit taste I have in anime now. Obviously, no one person can stay the same. If you’ve reblogged the little posts I’ve reblogged from other blogs (try saying that five times lol) notice how there’s barely any Hetalia or Kuroko no Basket or Haikyuu for that matter. Even when I’ve been active for the past few days, it’s been more positive posts, memes, and occasional anime of Hero Aca and such. So really if you want to know what I’m into at the moment, it’s Honeyworks, Hero Aca, Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso (Your Lie in April), food, study things, any Makoto Shinkai film (doesn’t have to be Your Name but it can be) and always memes. And getting off from the high of finishing Yamada-kun and the Seven Witches, I’ll be looking for that too. Also, notice the decline in squealing yaoi fangirl that used to squeal in the tags section about two dudes cross-dressing. Ah, yes. The Hetalia days of where I’d ship APH America with everyone and just had a huge obsession with APH America. The title of my blog (on mobile anyway) is still a quote from the dub haha.  To be fair, that squealing, yaoi fangirl did have a brief revival when Yuri on Ice was still airing. I still have a soft spot for the anime as it was very good (and still is, Phichit will forever be an angel) and I absolutely LOVE Makkachin still. But for the most part, I have mostly lost the whole yaoi fangirl that I once was in Freshman year of high school who still loved shipping countries together. Why I deviated from Hetalia is another post unto itself.

I mentioned how I haven’t been posting a lot of kurobas lately. Yes my interest has waned in the show, but I still appreciate what it’s done for me in my high school years. I still have a quote from Aida Riko back in the earlier chapters of the manga hanging on my wall as I work on homework: “I want you to have a big concrete objective and the will to achieve it.” I won’t deny, KnB really helped me set the mentality I needed to tackle high school -- to keep pushing myself to become a better person. Whether I fulfilled that expectation or not is debatable. But as always, the inspirational quotes of KnB will undoubtedly carry me onto college too.

Now don’t get triggered when I say that Tumblr can really take leftist ideology to the extreme. It’s definitely right to treat everybody equally no matter their skin color, gender, sexuality, shape, size, disability, etc. Basically, everyone deserves to be treated equally. That’d definitely fine and it’s the right way to live life after all. However, it first hit me in Junior year that Tumblr was getting annoying. The whole “the straights are terrible” and “white men should burn in hell” preaching gave Tumblr the black and white views of the world without any grays (or greys however you spell it) in between. Now I’m a straight CIS female. I’ve got good friends who are asexual, bi, lesbian, etc. I will say this, but I doubt it will be heard by the screams of hate against a straight CIS gender like myself: I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR DAMN SEXUALITY OR GENDER OR COLOR OR WHATEVER IS AS LONG AS YOU ARE A NICE PERSON! If you are a trans, gay Hispanic (an example, not pointing you out) who treats other people terribly, that means I will flip you off and beat your ass (to some extent of this statement). Not all straight people are bad and not all gays are good and it goes for every demographic that exists ever.

Though it may seem that I am blaming all of Tumblr for acting this way, I am. But I can’t forget that I too, once had a black and white view of the world. As a fourteen-year-old who was very much shielded from the world because of a private Catholic school with conservative parents who are very well off, I had an inkling of what the rest of the world was like. And I feel like the people on Tumblr were just as uneducated about the world as I was. By no means do I know everything about the world now. A seventeen-year-old who hasn’t even finished high school will never know how the me from four years from now feels. I am just saying that my opinion from leaning so far left a damn tree would break has become more moderate. This website made me think: gosh being straight and CIS is uncool and being a normal functional being with no anxiety or depression isn’t normal too. I need to be bi and genderfluid! That was stupid thinking. Right now, I’m completely fine with being a straight, CIS female with no mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety who will gladly respect your pronouns.

Now life is really crazy. It was crazy in 2016, and it was crazy in 2017 too. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that I’m from Las Vegas, Nevada now did I? Times have changed man. I don’t think I would have said that when I was 10 on a website lol. But yeah if you’ve somehow been scrolling this far down I commend your efforts. And I’m sure you’re getting really strained rn. So get some water, take a break, I’m sorry if you can’t get to a laptop or computer right now. Don’t read this in one go. If you’ve returned or decided to read straight on through welcome back or good for you respectively. Now I’ll repeat that again. Yes, I live in Las Vegas, Nevada. Right where Stephen Paddock decided to shoot from the 37th floor of Mandalay Bay onto the Route 91 Harvest Festival where over 500 people were wounded and 50 people were killed and where three students from my school were at on Sunday night (they were unharmed physically I believe). I found this out when I was tucked in bed at home, far from the strip checking my friend’s snapchats before I fell asleep. For the largest mass shooting in modern US history to take place in an area where my family would take our extended family to dinner or where we once had a New Years Eve celebration at the Vdara, is sickening. My cousins and I used to go to Mandalay Bay and hang out at the pool and stay the night because it was Spring break back when we were in middle school. My mom’s 40th birthday was at the Mandalay Bay. It’s terrible. I know how those people in Orlando and Colorado and everywhere else in the world feel when a mass shooting happens and completely disrupts your life. I’ve barely even been to the strip this year. The fact that a terror attack happened in my own backyard is beyond words. It makes me angry that some bastard decided to fuck up the lives of everyone in my city by ruining a good time at a concert. It makes me sad when I read a Washington Post later about a group of girls who went to a Lutheran school were affected by this event mentally and some even physically by this event. And that in turns makes me pissed off that some dude ruined the lives of teenage girls exactly like me, who were worried about the SAT and ACT and AP Classes and college. Fuck him.

So that’s my feelings on the shooting a few months late. But remember that I live in Las Vegas. You can’t just forget a mass shooting that happened in the city you live in. I’d mention how people would disagree with me that other events on the strip have happened such as a robbing at the Bellagio (it’s always the Bellagio man! That’s my fave part of the strip with the dancing waters and the seasonal garden inside like man they don’t deserve that) and etc. but feel free to disagree with me when you submit an ask dear anon.

Now on a somewhat lighter note, high school will forever be stressful. Going to the best high school in the state is stressful when all your friends have a nonstop grind to be one of the valedictorians (apparently you can have more than one?? I had no idea until I went to high school). Though I am nowhere near becoming a valedictorian, I still have plans to graduate with high honors ( wearing white for graduation) because half of the people graduating will wear white because it’s a magnet school dammit we’re kinda smart. AP classes have been part of my workload since Sophomore year which is right when I deleted my blog, but I managed to keep my activity up somewhat. Junior year slumped in my activity big time. APUSH is hard you guys. That’s it. I believe I posted a reflection at the start of 2017 detailing a bit more of this. But the difference this year is that I’m a senior in high school. That means college and scholarships. As I’ve mentioned before, I live in Nevada. I either stay in Las Vegas and attend the university there or I head up to Reno, which is like a 6-hour drive from home or just an hour flight. That means living in a dorm away from everything I’ve known. And that includes my boyfriend.

The biggest change in my life between Freshman year and now is that I’m taken! And honestly, it was the biggest fucking plot twist of 2016 (and the largest failed segway of 2018 thus far). I’m dating the largest weeb at my school ever and I’m happy dammit. Most of the time. I’ve learned a lot from being in a relationship like how to shut the fuck up and listen and appreciate more in life. By no means was my relationship perfect either. We’ve had a lot of fights. I’ve mentioned this in my reflection of 2016 at the start of last year so the rundown is that we’ve been together a year and a half now. I’m in a healthy relationship. Then college comes in and says hi. Now my boyfriend has decided to go to the university here in Las Vegas. I’m still very unsure as to where I want to go next. After all, the decision as to where to continue my education lies with me and I’m running out of time (I’m procrastinating on the decision right now lol). Four years ago, I had dreams of going out of state to either a UC school or the United States Airforce Academy in Colorado, until I learned that school outside of my state is expensive so I decided to stay within the confines of Nevada. 

And honestly, that’s where I’m at right now. Thanks for reading this long ass rant. I spent an hour or two typing this up. I just have a lot of feelings haha. I hope everyone has the best year ever. If this is after I’ve posted my new URL, go follow me there. But for now, thanks for all the support thus far and especially for reading this long ass rant. See you!

[thehairypickle-plusone-blog]

10 things I'd love Mamas to be to know

The postpartum wisdom. 2017 must be the year of Le Bebès as I know so many expectant Mama bears some even with twinnies! Now I'm only still fresh as this as I've produced and kept alive and healthy 1x tiny human who is growing undoubtedly like Jacks bloody beanstalk, for just over 3 1/2 months. However I know and am meeting so many first time expectant Mamas and to say it felt like yesterday Ollie was on the inside kicking around would be a lie because I literally love being able to lay on my belly again after 9 long months. And regain control of ones pelvic floor muscles. It's so hard to be able to "give advice" to new Mamas to be. As everyone's journey throughout their pregnancy is their own and unique and unlike anyone else's. so to judge others pain tolerance, weight gain/ loss, hormonal swings, mental health, choice of birthing is actually not up to any of us to pass judgement on and say this is how you should or shouldn't. Today I had the best chat to a complete stranger/ retail lady at my fave shop of all things divine smelling at the body shop. She commented on Ollie and his adorable little hat. She went on to tell me how she was expecting her first wee human in May. It was great I finally felt I was at this point of my postpartum journey where I could bring laughter and light to all the things that once made me sad and feel alone during my pregnancy. We spoke about birth plans and the importance of keeping an open mind in bringing your baby earth side safely. The fears and pressures surrounding breastfeeding. The highs and the lows. We both agreed on having produced 1x human was enough. I thoroughly agree I have come into this wild motherhood and created a mini me my job here is done. With my friends all having little people too we pretty much will have a Gang spreading from the Sunshine Coast to Brisbane without me needing to produce any further offspring. I believe if we knew how intense pregnancy and labour and a newborn all was we'd probably not have children.... or would out of sheer craziness. I guess I was thinking today what would be 10 top tips I could pass down to some of the first time Mamas out there after all I had so much love and support and great tips from friends and family, not exactly do's and dont's but just general hey it's ok try this out. 1. First trimester I recall my boobs feeling like heavy rocks of lava and taking off my bra was unbearable especially being big busted. Go out and grab a handful of cheap crop top bras go a few sizes up as everything is going to expand. They saved me from agony rolling over in bed in night in the first tri. 2. Eat a Big Mac and don't feel guilty, there's so many rules on what to and not to eat during pregnancy. My first trimester I had to force myself to eat my greens and salads without reaching for the coco pops day or night. I ate runny eggs Benedict in the ending of the 3rd trimester and Ollie seems aight. (Not that anyone should really take my nutritionist advice as I am far from an expert). But what I'm saying is don't feel you have to live off green smoothies and send yourself crazy because all you want is to demolish a block of chocolate. Chocolate releases endorphins, endorphins make people happy remember? And less likely to savage humans. 3. There ain't nothing wrong with a little over reppin' the preppin' when it comes to wipes, bath soaps, face washers, bibs, creams and butt wipes. You will use them... bibs unless you want to be continually napisaning out the milk stains I personally found the dark ones like my soul far more advantageous. Bulk buying things like baby laundry detergent (I use purity and earth choice as we cloth nappy too) and in Australia use the App "shopfully" it ranges from supermarket specials through to big w, Kmart, baby bunting and so on all at the click of your finger. So the conscience of being able to not get off your couch is perfect! Load up on things for you too, pads, toilet paper all the home shit so you don't need to be going to the supermarket all the time. 4. Your body will change in ways you never expected. I became violet from Willy Wonkers chocolate factory almost instantly overnight. I was a puffed up waddling blueberry. And it's not the same feeling as putting on a few KGs it's a cargo ship for a human and is exhausting and painful, so put your swollen feet up after each day. I used to lay on the bed or floor with my legs up against the wall just to run the circulation back down to my legs. All these changes won't kill you though. They'll feel at times like they are but again your body is beyond amazing. 5. Shoving evening primrose oil up your hoo-ha is a real thing not to bring on labour but soften the cervix and I totally believe in it as well as raspberry leaf tea tablets into the 37th week. My cervix was nice and soft when I presented for labour and once in active labour things moved relatively faster than I had imagined.... My haemorrhoids took the cake in pain. There's no real medical proof behind it but I feel I'd like to vouch for this alternative method. 6. There is no real point to a birth plan. Your baby will do what it wants so don't go in thinking you'll waltz in have a nice natural water birth with aromatic oils and Himalayan monk music humming in the background. You might need to get out of the water and be on a bed. You might need to have an emergency c-section or forcep delivery. That is ok! That is still birth that is not you failing or doing the wrong thing. The wrong thing is to fight off the midwives and doctors when they are concerned and intervention is needed. I had Ollie via big salad tongs forceps and I'm so grateful I went in open minded and kept a asking for the epidural haha! 7. Once earth side your baby will throw you a surge of hormones, you'll be so in love, in awe, in pain, hungry, exhausted, anxious, proud, terrified. That roller coaster is normal and seriously utilise the midwives help as much as possible whilst in hospital. I buzzed them every time I put Ollie on the boob to make sure I was getting my latch right. I buzzed them when the sheer pain of afterbirth meant I couldn't get up to get him out of his bassinet so I'd need a hand. Midwives to me are Angels and boob and vagina experts. 8. It's ok to cry and feel overwhelmed it's ok to feel like you don't have a clue what you're doing because seriously pretty sure most Mums have just winged it, I'm still winging it with Ollie and he's not got many real complaints other than how dare I shower whilst he snoozes because he will awaken and cry and let me know he's not impressed with such abandonment in his cot for 5 minutes. 9. Take time for you postpartum, if your partner, mother, sibling or close friend can mind your baby for a wee while, go throw on a face mask or go for a drive to get a coffee, seriously rebellious wild feeling about being child free in the car it's speakers full boar and bad ass mama all the way. 10. You've done an amazing job, birth & beyond truly changes you and you're a bloody legend for what you've done so don't ever forget that! But also know if you're not ok it's not weak it's empowering to ask for help. My ovaries still twist and turn in a painful manor when I see heavily pregnant women, newborns or entourages of families of 5 children navigating their way through the plaza with precise chaos. I just think ouch no thank you. I have my one little Gang member and when I look at Ollie now even through sheer exhaustion some days I just think. This all happened for a reason and the unconditional love and lengths you will go to for your wee one is indescribable. It's ok to not enjoy pregnancy, I did not feel glowing and blossoming I felt like a whale with my extra 25kg and pelvic instability. Now though, worth it and even more. So I hope some of these tips and words help reach some Mama bears out there. I sure as hell know I wish I spoke to more Mums with little ones when I was pregnant. Rise and roar you courageous ferociously brave Mamas be. Love from Ollie & I xx

[scoups4lyfe]

Journal Entries. (2)

These are all mood journal entries (so super short / concise) of mine; where I chart my daily moods over a period of time.

These chronicle the time right before I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist (March) and when I started medication (antidepressants) for my depression / fatigue.

NOTE: These don't contain any long thoughts, literally just mood observations. But I think it does a pretty good job at showing just how inconsistent and sudden mood episodes / switching can be, and why they're so debilitating for trying to live a normal everyday life. I added some gifs / pictures for rando visuals LOL. Truly complete the reading experience 🤪.

Part: [1], [2], [3], [4] Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]

...

March 27th, 2021

Slept: 4am. Woke: 4pm

Mood: 2/10 Energy: Neutral (Maybe a 2/10)

I just feel empty. Like I need to go hibernate/go back to sleep. I’m not hungry. I’m not particularly motivated, and I kind of wish my sister would sit down and watch Hannibal with me and my mom, so it bums me out that she continues to put that off/ignore it.

I’m tired, man. It’s 8:21 pm, and I’m already thinking about going back to bed. When my family hangs out, I can be mindless and just let their good mood and entertainment take over. Other than that, I don’t feel particularly interested in doing anything, though I know I should. I have things to do. I don’t even feel bad about not doing anything. Just empty. Just ready to sleep.

March 28/29th, 2021:

:(

NOTE: Visual reference of what I looked like during this time

March 30th, 2021:

Bed: 6:30 pm. Woke: 4:30 am

Mood: -1/10

My mood can be directly related to how many gluten free brownies I’ve eaten today. (Thee ONLY thing I’ve eaten too might I add.) (it’s 5pm)

…

[Started taking meds]

Tuesday July 6th 2021 (6:03 pm) (12th)

NOTE: The number next to the date is the number of days since I started taking medication

took meds (YES)

I was kinda so depressed from the doctor’s visit and loss of money that even with the meds, it couldn’t stop me from sleeping. LOL.

Thursday July 8th 2021 (12:10 pm) (14th)

took meds: yes

I had enough energy to watch [my niece]

I had enough energy to have a mental breakdown.

Tuesday July 13th 2021 (19th)

took meds: yes (4:44 pm)

I feel so tired…fatigued….

Thursday, July 15th 2021 (21st)

took meds: yes (2:47)

Slept four hours

Overall energy: 3/10

Mood:4.5:10

Napped for three hours, had dinner + caffeinated tea and I feel shaky-awake.

Bruh I did not sleep (for the 16th) at all 💀💀💀.

Friday, July 16th, 2021 (22nd)

took meds: yes (12:06pm)

Haha going to bed right after I took my meds 😛🤷

Friday July 23rd, 2021 (31st)

took meds: yes (11:12 am)

This week idk. It’s been weird? Like tired and then also hyper fixated on nonsense =DD.

Why (2:40 pm) am I so tired? Don’t want to do anything.

(Currently Saturday morning, 6;22 am and I can’t sleep. I’m NOT tired. But I want to sleep.)

This is the WORST.

Saturday July 24th, 2021 (32nd)

took meds: 7:21 pm

I feel wired and tired and just like I can’t do anything even tho I have the energy to

Sunday July 25th, 2021 (33rd)

took meds: yes (11:26 am)

I know I woke up at 8pm today, but man I really don’t want to do SHIT. (And after drinking that nasty ass fiber supplement, I’m feeling tired =o. When will this insanity end?)

Tuesday July 27th 2021 (35th)

took meds: yes (10:04 am)

Mood (10:07 am): 7/10

Energy (10:07 am): 6.7/10

Wednesday July 28th 2021 (36th)

took meds: yes (4:23pm)

Literally went to sleep at 1am and woke up at 4:15 pm. Wtf? (I slept 16hrs LOL)

Mood (6:03 pm): 6.5/10

Energy (6:03 pm): 7.2/10

Today was a good day, I got more work done than yesterday :)).

(3:19, Thursday am): laid down and tried to sleep but now I feel more awake than ever.

Thursday July 29th 2021 (37th)

took meds: yes (4:29 pm)

Went to bed last night at 8am, woke up at 4:33 pm. (I hate not being able to fall asleep. Is it because I slept for 16 hrs the previous night? #sucks.)

Mood (7:44 pm): 7.5/10

Energy: (7:44 pm): 6.4/10

Friday July 30th 2021 (38th)

took meds: yes (8:15 pm)

I almost forgot to take them today ahhhhhh

Mood: 6/10

Energy: 6.7/10

Saturday July 31st 2021 (39th)

I have plenty of energy (I haven’t taken my meds yet) and yet I feel like I’m going insane. I. Can’t do anything right. Why why why why why must I continue to be a failure? I had something good going for me wtf is wrong with me? I don’t want to wake up anymore

Took meds: yes (11:44 am)

(Slept till 9pm, it’s 8:22 am Sunday and I’m still awake. But on the plus side I’m not careening dangerously into another mental breakdown.,,yet)

Sunday August 1st 2021 (40th)

took meds: yes (12:17 pm)

I haven’t slept yet today

General mood: hmmm 5/10 (12:18pm)

I do feel a little tired but that’s probably because I’ve been up since 9pm.

Generally tho I’m feeling pretty okay. (Guess we’ll see how the rest of today goes lol.)

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