#ariel gobuss

[arielgobuss]

It's a litlle bit late but we want to wish a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all the Snarry lovers out there :)

Ariel & Gobuss

(Picture made by Alma Frenz to our Snarry fic "Desiderium Intimum")

[arielgobuss]

62.The Truth

I'm a liar It's my secret no one knows I'm a liar Yeah, I know it doesn't show No, I don't miss you anymore No, I don't think of you It's such a game to seem adored No, I don't love you anymore

Part1

It went dark for a split second, and then Harry felt as if he was in the middle of a hurricane. Thousands of images, thousands of thoughts surrounded him, layered on top of each other in an endless cacophony, but before he could realize it, he felt himself falling, being sucked into the vortex of a random memory, and as he regained his balance, his ears were filled with desperate screams and cries.

The image sharpened and - despite the darkness - Harry saw several silhouettes huddled against the wall. They were teenage boys no older than thirteen. The fierceness on their faces was definitely outweighed by the fear. But they weren't the ones screaming. The sounds of screaming and crying were coming from the next room, which was accessed by a wide open door hanging on one hinge. The glow of a lamp swinging from the ceiling was the only illumination, gliding across the blood-covered floor and splattered walls. For a split second, broken and overturned furniture and... bodies lying on the floor emerged from the darkness. Blood was seeping from still open wounds, limbs twisted at strange angles looked as if something had broken them like matches. The wailing and sobbing of several children's voices were coming from the dark place under one of the walls, but the light did not reach there. However, it slipped over the table placed in the middle of the room and over the fair hair of the young boy pinned to it... and over the powerful silhouette of a man with a thick mane of tousled hair leaning over him, who was tearing into this small, naked body with quick, ruthless thrusts, causing spasmodic screams of endless pain.

Severus raised his wand, pointing it at the door, which rose, fixed, and slammed shut, muffling the screams. Without hesitation, he cast another spell on the door, causing it to glow red. His previously motionless face changed. A look of disgust appeared on his face, and something... terrifying lit up in the black eyes. He slowly turned to the boys, giving them an icy glare. In his left hand he held a white mask covered with red drops. His dark green robe was covered with many dark stains, and even if it was impossible to see their color, it was obvious where they came from.

He casually tossed the mask into the corner and took a step toward the boys. His lips pressed into a pale, thin line. The black eyes turned into the dark slits. He raised his wand, pointing it at the oldest boy.

Severus frowned and after a moment a rough voice came out of his mouth:

"Imperio."

The boy's face changed. A slightly surprised, dispassionate expression appeared on his face.

"Scream," Severus said, staring at him intently. "Scream and beg for mercy as loud as you can."

The boy complied. The screams, moans and begging began to escape from his mouth. The rest of the boys moved as far away from him as possible, looking at him with fear and a certain amount of intrigue.

"No no no! Please! No!"

"Severus," a happy voice came from behind the door. "I hear you're having even more fun there than I am. You know, if you'd let me in, the two of us could teach those little brats a lesson. After some time, playing alone starts to get boring. What do you think?"

Snape didn't move, didn't even turn his head. Only in his eyes there was a flame that froze everything.

"You know I value my privacy, Blackwood," he replied icily. He frowned even more.

The boy let out a spine-chilling scream "Nooo! It hurts!"

A hoarse laughter came from behind the door - the laugh that began to recede, as if something was trying to push Harry out of the memory. However, before it disappeared completely, he heard a quiet, distant voice:

"Avada Kedavra."

The scream stopped. Everything went quiet. Darkness surrounded him. He felt like he was in a locked room, but he knew it wasn't true; that it was just an illusion. Severus tried to fight back.

Harry remembered what he had read about this spell. Visualization. He must choose some visualization. Otherwise he'll never get out of here.

He remembered the dream... and the windows... The windows through which Severus had peered into his memories... He had to imagine something similar, something that would guide him, that would allow him to cross the threshold.

Door! Yes. That was it.

The moment he thought about it, a corridor appeared before him. An endless corridor filled with doors on both sides. The same doors that led to the Potions Master's chambers. Thousands of doors. No, millions of doors. He saw them all together and each separately. They overlapped and interpenetrated each other like an extremely sophisticated kaleidoscope, creating an endless maze of passages.

Key. He must find the key to them. The password. Otherwise, he will be left searching in the darkness, and the chance that he will find the right one is one in a million.

He closed his eyes.

The password... No, it should be two passwords. One indicating the range of memories, and the other - their topic.

Where did it all start? He knew perfectly well. But it wasn't about the potion, it was about... desire. Snape's desire.

Desiderium Intimum

The number of doors has decreased. He felt less and less of them left.

Now the topic - he was the one.

Pott...

No.

He opened his eyes.

Harry

He watched with satisfaction as part of the door disappeared and the rest became much more real.

He knew it was all just an illusion, lasting no more than a few seconds. And that he had as much time as he wanted before Severus found him again. Because here time was a relative value and he was the only one that could determine it.

He looked at the long row of doors. He approached the first of them and raised his hand, brushing his fingers against the dark wood. The door began to open, revealing to Harry a world that had always remained one big mystery filled with lies.

The world of Severus Snape.

***

Severus was sitting in the privacy of his chambers, examining the remnant of amber liquid remaining at the bottom of the glass. From time to time he moved his wrist, slightly stirring the drink and watching the play of light reflecting in the glass and the flames falling from the crackling fire in the fireplace.

He didn't think he would be so angry about the information provided by McGonagall. Potter dared to ask permission to leave his classes? Now, when Severus finally had him in his grasp? Now, that he was gifted with such... power? The power that allowed him to do anything to him? Oh no, he definitely won't agree to that.

He still remembered the taste of that moment - the moment when those green eyes had stared at him with the utmost adoration. A moment that tasted like... victory. For as long as he could remember, Potter had always looked at him with nothing but hatred, defiance, or fear. Sometimes he could almost feel that hatred, feel it burning his skin, clinging to it, almost turning into something physical. He liked to fuel it, leaning over him and insulting him in every possible way, pressing on his most sensitive spots and watching his tensed face while Potter pretended not to care. And then Severus walked over to the desk, sat down, and watched him... watched those anger-filled eyes, clenched fists, trembling jaw, and he knew he had nailed it again. Once again he managed to ignite that burning hatred and make it burn even more. And he reveled in it.

Sometimes he even managed to break him. He managed to break through the boy's defenses and force him to lose control, to bark back at him... and then, oh, only then did he triumph, either by giving him a detention or deducting points. No other student in his dozen years of teaching had looked at him the way Potter did - with hatred as pure and sharp as a dagger carved from ice. No other student turned into a burning torch of loathing and hostility... just at the sight of him. It was... intriguing.

And now he found out that this same student... desired him. That what he always took for an aversion turned out to be a deeply hidden, uncontrollable desire. A desire so strong, so unimaginable, that the only way to deal with it was to transform it into an equally intense emotion, but at the opposite extreme. He'd be a fool to try to tell himself he wasn't flattered. Even if he thought it only proved one thing - that Potter was crazy.

Severus lifted the glass to his lips, drank the rest of the whiskey, and set it down on the table with a crash. He leaned back in his chair, frowned, and stared into the flames.

He felt the hint of change coming. It wasn't something that could be ignored. No, this was definitely something that was begging to be used... and he was sure that would be the case soon. But whatever happens, he will be the one who reaps the biggest harvest and will get everything he wants from this opportunity.

***

Snape paced back and forth in front of the fireplace. There was a terrifying smile on his face, a storm raging in his eyes.

At last! His chance had finally come.

He didn't expect that the meeting with the Dark Lord would turn out to be so... fruitful. That the information he would give him - the information that young Potter had a weakness for his Professor - would open a passage for him and show him the path to freedom. He suspected that the Dark Lord would want to use it in some way, but... using Admorsusexcetra? One of the most powerful potions of sacrifice, created dozens of centuries ago, before Hogwarts was even built? What an extravagance of the Dark Lord... and what a great chance to get rid of him once and for all...

In a lightning-fast movement, he rolled up his sleeve and looked with hatred at the Dark Mark on his forearm. A mark that was cut by a deep furrow, like a knife cut, as if someone wanted to cut it out.

He still remembered how he almost cut off his hand after drinking Desideria Intima. And now he finally has a chance to fulfill his greatest desire - he can finally make the Dark Lord die. And it's all thanks to Potter... thanks to this suddenly awakened, incomprehensible fascination. He knew perfectly well that this irresponsible little brat would never be able to defeat the Dark Lord. There's no chance against him. And Dumbledore is too stupid to understand it. It's the only way. He has no other choice, he will have to sacrifice Potter. He would sacrifice anything just to kill the Dark Lord. He had waited too long for this opportunity to slip through his fingers now. The Dark Lord will disappear from his life once and for all. And if he's lucky, he'll get rid of Dumbledore, too. No one will give him orders anymore. Never again.

Snape stopped and sank heavily into his chair.

He will have to play on two fronts... Dumbledore is an excellent Legilimens, and he cannot find out about this plan. His "trusted servant" plans to destroy his secret weapon and the hope of the entire Wizarding World? He probably wouldn't like it.

Snape sneered.

He will have to use Legilimens Evocis. He will have to hide all his thoughts in the Pensieve, even the smallest ones, because any detail, even the slightest one, can reveal him. He will have to manipulate them, change them, distort them and replace them with different ones; to shuffle them like the cards, then pull out the right ones and show both sides what they want to see. It's the only way he can hide it; the only way to hide everything from both Dumbledore and the Dark Lord. He didn't think it would be an easy task, but he was willing to pay any price. Of course, he was well aware of the danger of constantly juggling memories and thoughts, but after all, he was one of the best Occlumens among living wizards. He had been training his mind for thirty years, filing and sharpening it until it became like a razor. And he was very good at using it...

Something dangerous appeared in Snape's eyes. For a while he just sat motionless, staring into space.

Seducing Potter... It shouldn't be difficult since he was his "greatest desire". But it certainly won't make it easy for him. He had no intention of suddenly becoming "nice" or even "approachable" to him. He had no intention of having any more contact with him than necessary. Potter was just a tool. A tool that he will have to train well to achieve his intended goal. He certainly won't show him any mercy. He will be hurting him if the boy tries to disobey. He will be tormenting and hurting him for any sign of insubordination, and then pulling him back if he tries to move away. For a moment he even thought about how wonderful it would be to take revenge on him for all the humiliations he had suffered at the hands of his father, but he quickly got rid of such thoughts. He will have to tame his nature and keep the boy by his side. Not too close, though - on a leash long enough for the boy to feel free, and at the same time short enough so that he won't lose the sight of him and can pull it at any time and call him to order. It really shouldn't be difficult...

The only drawback is that he will have to report to the Dark Lord, show him everything...

A look of disgust appeared on the man's face.

But this price was worth paying if in return he'd gain his freedom back.

And Potter--

A crooked smile appeared on Snape's lips.

--He would be able to force the boy to do anything. He could force him to serve himself on the knees if he desired. He's going to humiliate him as much as possible. Too bad, he'll have to show him a little... hmm... 'commitment' from time to time. Not too much, though. Only as much as needed. The bare minimum. Yes, he was perfectly aware that Potter would expect much more, that - like every teenager - he dreams of the tenderness, of... the closeness.

But he won't get it. Certainly not from him.

He will only allow him to enter his chambers once in a while. That should be enough for him. He had never invited any student to his private chambers before. But he wasn't going to tolerate the intrusion. From the very beginning, he will have to show him his place and set the rules for this... deal. He can't let anything get in the way of his plan. Let anything cover it for him. He will have to cut down every branch, decisively trample and break every shoot that may appear in his path. That's why he knew that at the very beginning of the expedition he would have to equip himself with something sharp, something that would be able to cut and hurt perfectly before any stray thorns of these weak shoots could catch on his robe and stop him. And since he was a Death Eater and a Legiliments... he knew he had the ultimate arsenal of weapons that could cut through absolutely anything.

He closed his eyes and sighed.

Admorsusexcetra... It's fiendishly complicated to brew, and to modify... It'll take months. But there is no way that he could fail. Potter will be a walking poison. A walking venom. The potion will drain not only his power, but the Dark Lord's power as well. And it will kill them both.

Snape opened his eyes. An icy fire burned within them.

[arielgobuss]

56. Open up your eyes

Open up your eyes Save yourself from fading away now Open up your eyes, don't sacrifice It's truly the heart of everything*

The vision cleared and Harry suddenly found himself in the Potions classroom. He saw himself standing in the middle of the room with a dazed look in his eyes, a blank face slowly becoming a look of bewilderment and delight. All the students stared at him with curiosity. Snape was sitting behind the desk on the other side of the classroom, and he stood up at the same moment, without taking his eyes off Harry.

Oh, we're about to find out what this arrogant kid desires... I suspect it's going to be a spectacular show...

Severus' voice echoed throughout the classroom, but the man's lips were tight and he certainly couldn't say it out loud. So probably... probably those were his thoughts!

There was a snort from the Slytherin table, followed by an amused chuckle.

"Silence!" Snape growled, glaring at Pansy and another Slytherin sitting next to her. "There is to be absolute silence."

Harry's expression slowly changed. He looked hypnotized. His eyes wide with delight, he stared at the Potions Master standing on the other side of the classroom. His gaze was skimming over the long, black-robed body with such incomprehensible admiration as if he was seeing it for the first time in his life. As if he was just now seeing something that had been hidden from him before.

Why did Potter focus his attention on me? And why is he looking at me like that? I don't think he--

Tears began to flow down Harry's face. A revealing bulge appeared in his pants. Someone inhaled very loudly, and Hermione covered her mouth with her hand.

Harry moved away. He caught his robe on the bench, almost falling over, and tripped over a bag lying on the floor, again avoiding contact with the floor at the last moment. He didn't look at where he was going at all, his eyes were focused only on Snape, who was looking at him with increasing disbelief.

This must be some kind of joke...

There was absolute silence in the classroom as Harry stumbled his way to the teacher's desk. He finally got to it. He slammed his hips against the desk, wanting to keep going, but the heavy furniture prevented him from doing so. There was a true despair on his face. Snape took a step back.

That's impossible...

"Severus..." Harry whined, leaning over the desk and extending his hand towards the man.

Oh fuck!

Harry was pressing against the bench, struggling and trying at all costs to reach the object of his just realized desire. There was despair and determination on his face.

"You have the most beautiful and arousing eyes in the world..." he purred in a dreamy, lust-filled voice. "I want to drown in them while you take me... Take me, Severus!"

The vision blurred and everything around him began to spin. Harry heard Snape's thoughts:

How is it possible that the potion pointed to me? This shouldn't have happened. How is it possible that I am Potter's desire? Has this boy completely lost his mind?

Another twist.

I'm not done with him yet. Only now will it get really interesting...

He will deny it, but in the end he will break... Don't tire yourself, Potter. Don't fight it. You won't win anyway. You'll have to come to terms with it.

Soon Potter won't be able to cope with this desire. Soon he will start following me, he will start asking me, begging me... for everything. And only then will I triumph. I'll be happy to watch Potter humiliate himself in front of me.

It's only a matter of time before the Dark Lord finds out. I wonder how he will use it.

The vision cleared again and Harry found himself in a meeting of Death Eaters.

"I'm glad I could give you such interesting news, my Lord," Snape said, sitting at the table. His voice was quiet and dispassionate.

"As usual, you did not disappoint me," Voldemort replied. "What you said will help us a lot. I think we can use this." The Dark Lord's smile was poisonously ghastly. "Look at me, Severus."

Suddenly Voldemort's voice filled the space:

You've probably heard of the Admorsusexcetra elixir. It allows the entire power of the person who drinks it to be sucked out along with the blood. When I gain Potter's powers, I will be invincible and at the same time I will get rid of the boy once and for all. You will prepare this potion for me, Severus. And you will seduce Potter. You will get closer to him, you will keep him close to you and you will make him trust you enough to drink this potion of his own free will. Because you know perfectly well that it will only work if the victim accepts it consciously and willingly, without coercion and without doubt. I give you as much time as you need. I'll make sure no one disturbs you. You have a free rein, you can do whatever you want with the boy, but you will report to me on your progress. And when you finish the potion and bring Potter to me... I will reward you forever.

Voldemort's voice fell silent. Snape looked at his Lord and smiled darkly and unpleasantly.

"You know what to do," Voldemort said.

"Of course," the Potions Master replied.

The image spun again and stopped on Snape's chambers. The man was pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace. There was a terrifying smile on his face, a storm raging in his eyes.

At last! My chance has finally come!

In a lightning-fast movement, he rolled up his sleeve and looked with hatred at the Dark Mark on his forearm. A mark that was cut by a deep scar, like a knife cut, as if someone wanted to cut it out.

Desideria Intima... left a mark on me for life, but how could I have known that after drinking it I would almost cut off my hand? And now, after all these years... I can finally fulfill my greatest desire... I can finally make the Dark Lord die. And with him I will get rid of Potter. This irresponsible little brat will never be able to defeat the Dark Lord. There's no chance against him. And Dumbledore is too stupid to understand it. It's the only way. I will sacrifice Potter, I will sacrifice everything, just to kill the Dark Lord. They will both disappear from my life once and for all. And with them, Dumbledore too. No one will give me orders anymore. Never again.

The man stopped and sank heavily into the chair.

I'll have to play on two fronts... Dumbledore is one of the best Legilimens, and he can't find out about this plan. His 'trusted servant' plans to destroy his secret weapon and the hope of the entire Wizarding World... He probably wouldn't like it. - A sneer appeared on Snape's face. - I'll have to use Legilimens Evocis. Yes, that's the only way I can hide it. That I could hide everything from both him and the Dark Lord. It won't be easy, but I'm willing to pay any price.

Something dangerous appeared in Snape's eyes. For a while he just sat there, staring into the air.

Seducing Potter... It shouldn't be difficult since I am his 'greatest desire'. But I certainly won't make it easy for him. I'll give him what he deserves. I will cause him pain. I will torment him, hurt him and pull him back if he tries to leave. I will take revenge on him for all the humiliation I suffered from the hands of his father. The only disadvantage is that I will have to endure the company of this imbecile, to touch him... - an expression of disgust appeared on the man's face, but after a moment it was replaced by a crooked smile. - On the other hand... I can make him do anything. I can make him serve me on his knees if I want. I will humiliate him as much as possible. Too bad, I'll have to show him a little... hmm... commitment from time to time. But this price is worth paying if I gain freedom in return.

Snape closed his eyes and sighed.

Admorsusexcetra... Brewing it is fiendishly complicated, and modifying it... It will take me months. But there's no way I could fail. Potter will be a walking poison, a walking venom. The potion will drain not only his power, but the Dark Lord's power as well. And it will kill them both.

Snape opened his eyes. An icy fire burned within them - a fire that suddenly filled the entire space. However, instead of the crackle of fire, it resounded with a monotonous echo:

It will kill them both.

It will kill them both.

It will kill them...

The fire disappeared and there was silence, and darkness - a darkness from which the dungeon corridor emerged, and Severus standing in front of the cupboard. In front of that cupboard where Harry was currently doing his detention for breaking Malfoy's nose, and where their first intercourse was about to take place.

There was a dangerous half-smile on Snape's face. There was nothing in his eyes but cold determination.

It's time to start the show...

Snape yanked on the doorknob and the image spun again. Voldemort and Snape emerged from the multitude of colors and textures. They were alone in a dark room. There was a musty dampness in the air. They both had their eyes closed, but Voldemort had a terrifying smile of satisfaction on his face. The reason for this was the image Voldemort was seeing in Snape's head. The image of Harry, on his knees, with Snape's cock in his mouth...

Yes Yes Yes! Just like that! Absolutely delicious! - Voldemort's triumphant laughter burst his eardrums, but the image disappeared as quickly as it appeared, replaced by a scene in the Potions Master's office, with Malfoy and Snape standing in the middle. The man leaned over the Slytherin and hissed straight into his face:

"Don't come near him. Potter is untouchable. Do not harm a hair of his head! Is it clear?"

"Why?" Malfoy clenched his fists, rebellion shining in his gray eyes. "Why is he so important? Why did the Dark Lord tell me to silence all the rumors about what'd happened in Potions class and make sure no teachers found out about it? This made Slytherins hate me! They stopped listening on me! All because of Potter!"

"It's not your business. You promised the Dark Lord you would take care of this, so we expect you to fulfill your duty. You don't need to know the reasons. Should I tell him you're backing out? That you decided to disobey his orders?"

Fear appeared in the boy's eyes.

"No, but--"

Snape pulled out his wand and Malfoy's face showed genuine horror.

"I don't have time to play with you. You will be punished for your disobedience. Crucio!"

The room blurred and turned into the Potions classroom. Harry and Snape was standing facing each other, glaring at each other. And while Harry's look was more of a cry of despair and rebellion, Snape's eyes showed only cold calculation and steely hatred.

"I can fuck you, Potter. But do not expect anything more from me," Snape growled, emphasizing every word he said. As if he was soaking them with venom intended to bite. Deadly.

[arielgobuss]

Finally we want to present to you the last chapter of Desiderium Intimum. There is also an Epilogue, which we plan to post separately in two days, so wait for it ^_^ We are glad that we could translate our story for you until the very end and that you could read the whole story. We would love to hear your opinion about our story, which we have written for over four years and which gave us so many wonderful memories. We wish you nice reading and we present you the last chapter of Desiderium Intimum.

70. The Lion and The Serpent

I see the fire in the sky See it all around me Am I alive or just a ghost? Haunted by my sorrows I said the past is dead, the life I had is gone Said I'm not afraid, that I am brave enough I will not give up Until I see the sun

Hold me now 'Til the fear is leaving I am barely breathing Crying out These tired wings are falling I need you to catch me*

Severus' face turned into a chalk-white mask of horror as he stared, stunned with terror, at the thick cloud of Dementors that - like sharks drawn to blood - surrounded the two figures pressed together. The sight resembled a pack of hyenas fighting over a carcass and trying to grab as much meat as possible. Their rotten mouths opened, swallowing an endless stream of food, as if instinct told them to suck it all out, down to the last drop, because they could wait several hundred years for another feast like that. Their hunger was eternally insatiable. They tore the soul into pieces until nothing was left but a derelict shell of flesh. And there were hundreds of them here. And each of them wanted to be fed to the fullest.

The barrier keeping Severus in the same place suddenly vibrate and crumbled, leaving him without support. The man fell to his knees and hands, but almost immediately he looked up and with fear-filled eyes he saw two bodies falling to the ground.

He broke into a run, pressing his hand to the writhing, fading Dark Mark on his skin. The pain was as intense as when the mark was made, as if it had been burned into him with a hot iron.

He knew what that meant.

But that wasn't important now. Nothing was important now.

He stopped abruptly, his darkened with thick emotions eyes stared at the two silhouettes lying on the ground, obscured by the thick cloud of feeding Dementors, surrounding them. He pulled out his wand, which he had taken from Malfoy. His hand was trembling uncontrollably, but his eyes remained unmoving, focused so strongly that they resembled two diamond-hard coals fired at a temperature of several thousand degrees, filled with an undying glow still smoldering within them. For a split second, a sweaty, fulfilled face with green, adoring eyes appeared within them, uttering two words - the words he had always feared, but when he finally heard them--

"Expecto Patronum!"

The flash was so strong that Severus had to shield his eyes with his other hand, but as soon as he lowered it, he saw the glow pouring from his wand forming... a golden lion, which was radiating so much power that even before he approached the horde of Dementors, some of them fled, emitting loud screeching sounds. The Patronus rushed among the creatures, scattering them to the sides, but there were too many of them for him alone to drive them all away. So he lay down next to the small, motionless body, shielding it from the circling Dementors and roaring furiously at them.

Severus' hand gripping his wand began to tremble even more as he tried to hold the Patronus with the tattered remnants of his strength. Sweat dripped down his face, contorted by the effort, as he stared with wide eyes at the motionless figure, as if he was waiting for any gesture, a slight movement of the hand - anything that would give him hope that he was still alive, that they hadn't managed to take his soul, that they hadn't extinguished his light, plunging him into impenetrable darkness forever.

The glow began to dim under the pressure of darkness emanating from the enraged Dementors circling above. Severus sank to his knees, gripping his wand with both hands to maintain the protection, and then he saw a faint glow coming from the wands that were still in Harry's hand as it lay motionless on the frozen ground. A glow that writhed and crawled along the ground and began to form... a silver-white snake.

Severus watched in bewilderment as the snake coiled itself around the lion lying on the ground, wrapping itself around him as if trying to protect him from the darkness pressing in on all sides, and at that moment he couldn't see anything as the space was filled with a blinding flood of warm light flowing from the Patronuses - connected in the embrace - that spread in hot waves in all directions, driving away the darkness filled the air. Severus heard several of the Dementors' screeching sounds as they receded.

The silence descended.

The glow dimmed and the intertwined Patronuses slowly began to unravel.

Severus got up from the ground and walked over to the figures lying on the ground. He glanced briefly at the body of Voldemort. His red eyes turned black and stared into the void. They resembled a broken fragment of a vase through which one could look inside and see that whatever had previously filled it had completely disappeared. It was empty. His soul was torn into hundreds of tiny pieces, and with it his power disappeared as well.

The Dark Lord has been defeated.

Severus tore his gaze away from the slowly collapsing reptilian face and moved it to the tiny figure lying at his feet like a broken toy, torn and dirty, with limbs spread limply. There were still two wands in his hand. A drop of blood ran down his forehead, covered with black hair. His glasses were lying next to him, and his eyes... wide, green eyes stared blankly into space.

The world went dark, flooding Severus' eyes with a darkness thicker and colder than the deepest depths. He fell to his knees as if he had suddenly lost all his strength and was trying to gasp for air with his half-open mouth, as if a noose had suddenly tightened around his neck, preventing him from catching his breath.

Desperately, he grabbed Harry's limp body in his arms, lifting him from the ground, and stared into Harry's hollow eyes - those eyes that always filled with light whenever he looked into them; that always looked at him with a mixture of fear and delight at the same time; which always ignited with such an incredibly powerful flame, whether it was the flame of desire or hatred...

But now there was nothing in them. Only an empty space waiting to be filled, reflecting the clouds passing over their heads.

"Don't you dare leave me," he rasped in a heavy voice that sounded as if it were coming from the abyss. "Look at me!" He shook the motionless body, but when no response came, he slipped one of his arms from under Harry's back and placed his hand on the cold cheek. "What is my name?" Nothing. No reaction. "Damn it, say my name!" he almost shouted, drowning in the silent eyes and giving the impression that at any moment he was ready to throw himself into them, like into a vast, endless ocean, in search of... even the faintest sign of presence.

He couldn't find anything. Even the quietest, most distant murmur of the mind.

"You did it," he whispered, looking almost morbidly at the pale face covered with scratches and traces of blood, over which he had wandered with his fingers and lips so many times. "Only you could come up with such a crazy idea, but you did it. You defeated him. Now you just need to find your way back." He stroked the cool cheek with a trembling hand, as if he was trying to warm it with his touch, to give him some sign. "I'm here. I'm waiting for you. Just come back to me."

Severus looked as if the darkness consuming his eyes was beginning to seep into his mind as well. As if with each passing second, the fear trapped somewhere deep at the bottom of the soul, shackled by the remnants of self-control, was transforming into madness.

"I know it will never be perfect. I know we will argue every day and maybe even kill each other one day. But you have to live to find out. You can't leave me now. I will never let you do that. Your place is with me. And it will always be there. You won't leave me even for one step, because you belong to me... do you hear me? Give me a sign that you can hear me, damn it!" He shook Harry violently, but nothing happened. "Why are you silent? How dare you leave me like this? Now, when--"

He moved closer, feeling the faint scent of vanilla hitting his nostrils, but it invaded all his senses with such force that he needed some time to catch his breath and control his dizziness. He licked his dry lips and, leaning even lower until his forehead was almost resting against the scarred forehead opposite, he whispered in a hoarse, broken voice:

"Harry... don't make me beg you."

[arielgobuss]

64. What have you done

Let me wake up in your arms Hear you say it's not alright Let me never see the sun Let us be so dead and so gone So far away from life Close my eyes Hold me tight And bury me deep inside your heart*

Harry slightly opened his heated eyelids. A thick silence surrounded him, like an invisible curtain separating him from the outside world. He could hear it rustling in Severus' breath as it fanned across his forehead and moved the strands of hair that tickled his temples.

He saw a candle flame lazily vibrating in the distance, but everything was so blurry that it seemed as if its light had turned into fog, drifting in ribbons toward the ceiling.

No. His eyesight was of no use to him at the moment. He closed his eyes again and inhaled Severus' intensely herbal scent, burying his face in Severus' bare chest and wrapping his arm around his waist, as if he wanted to pull him even closer.

He could hear the slow rhythm of Severus' heart, pulsing beneath his skin in a regular, reassuring way. It reminded him of the ticking of a clock that Harry always heard in the dormitory before falling asleep.

He had no idea whether Severus was asleep or not. He didn't know how much time had passed. He was afraid to move. He was afraid that even the slightest movement could ruin this moment. A moment of suspension between two abysses. A moment of short-lived peace. A moment to take a breath between a hurricane and a volcanic eruption.

He sighed deeply, his warm breath fanning over the man's skin. He felt black, slippery tendrils of thoughts trying to penetrate his mind and disturb this peace, but he didn't let them. They won't destroy it.

He was here now. With Severus. Safe. Nothing else mattered. Not now.

Later on, they can even tear him to shreds.

Severus' hand - wrapped around his shoulders and buried in his hair - moved, running the fingers through the dark locks.

"You seem tense," he heard a quiet whisper.

Harry licked his lips.

"I didn't want to wake you up," he replied quietly. It felt like every sound was like a dagger thrusting into the silence, cutting the veil around them into pieces.

"I haven't slept for a while now."

"Me neither," Harry muttered.

"I noticed," Severus replied with a hint of mockery in his voice. "You've been tossing so much that for a while I was considering petrifying you."

Harry smiled to himself.

"Why didn't you do it?"

"Because there was a risk that you could've trap me in such a strong grip that I would not be able to free myself from you at all."

"You could use one of your curses on me," Harry whispered, feeling his heart begin to beat a little faster as the image of Severus in Death Eater robes - unhesitatingly unleashing the most brutal and painful curses on his victims - appeared in his mind.

The answer came only after a long time.

"I could. So you better not provoke me."

Harry lifted his head, looking straight into Severus' narrowed eyes.

"Would you really cast a curse on me?"

"Let me put it this way..." Severus began, licking his lips and examining Harry's intrigued face. "Have you heard the story about the lion who adopted a young gazelle and began to care for it?"

Harry shook his head, surprised by the sudden question. The only thing he knew about lions was what he had watched on TV while on vacation at the Dursleys' when no one else was home. They were dangerous predators that tore their victims to shreds. He's never heard of--

"Would you willingly approach the lion?" Severus asked after a while.

Harry frowned.

"I don't think so."

"Why?"

"Because it's a lion. He could eat me up."

"So how do you think: why did he take care of someone whose only function in life was to become his meal?"

Harry shrugged.

"Maybe this gazelle was, I don't know, something special."

There was a moment of silence, but before Harry could look at Severus again, he heard another question:

"Do you think it made the lion less dangerous?"

Harry shook his head.

"Do you think he would be able to eat the gazelle... if hunger stared into his face?"

Harry became lost in thought. He felt Severus' searching gaze on him, devouring his face and not allowing him to look away.

"No," he replied after a while in a firm tone. "After all... he chose the gazelle himself. He went against his instincts. I think he would eat everyone around him, but he would leave the gazelle untouched."

Harry saw a frown appear at the corner of Severus' mouth.

"Are you absolutely sure about this?" the man asked, looking at Harry with shining eyes.

Harry felt strange under that look. As if... as if Severus was testing him.

"Yes," he replied emphatically.

"What an extraordinary... faith," Severus said quietly, and Harry had the strange feeling that he was about to say something completely different.

"How did it end? What happened to the gazelle?"

Severus' face tightened.

"It wandered while the lion was resting, and was eaten up by another lion."

Harry's heart stopped for a moment. He experienced an unpleasant sensation, as if with a sudden jerk his stomach had changed places.

"What... what happened to the lion?"

"No one knows."

Harry lowered his head and pressed his cheek against Severus' chest.

"So this story have a tragic end."

"Well... it couldn't have ended any other way."

Harry pursed his lips, snuggling even tighter into the crease between Severus' shoulder and chest. He closed his eyes, surrendering to the hand stroking his hair. In moments like this, when Severus was right next to him, when there was nothing capping him except for the blanket covering them both, when the man was just wrapping his arms around Harry and let Harry cuddle to him - in moments like these, Harry tended to forget who the man lying next to him really was. There were times when he couldn't understand how it was possible that the same hand that was now stroking his hair so gently could inflict unimaginable suffering, that it could cast curses and take lives with such ruthlessness...

But Severus always found a way to remind him of that, even when Harry expected it the lest, sometimes even not directly...

And now Harry couldn't stop the images from flooding into his head - the images he saw in Severus' mind; images that shocked all his senses and covered his body with goosebumps.

"Why did you join Voldemort?"

[arielgobuss]

62. The Truth

I'm a liar It's my secret no one knows I'm a liar Yeah, I know it doesn't show No, I don't miss you anymore No, I don't think of you It's such a game to seem adored No, I don't love you anymore*

Part 3

In the morning, Harry's scent seemed even stronger. He was everywhere. It seeped from his skin like invisible smoke, soaking into the sheets and covers and rising in clouds above the bed.

Severus was lying on his side, propping himself up on his elbow and... watching him. His face immersed in sleep, the lips slightly parted, the hair falling on the forehead and scattered disorderly on the pillow, the bare arm, lying casually on the duvet, rocking slightly with his even, calm breathing, the relaxation emanating from him... In that one moment, he resembled an extremely artful and sophisticated work of art - an art of limitless trust and complete helplessness... and Severus couldn't take his eyes off him. The view was... relaxing for him.

He slowly raised his hand and gently touched the dark, disheveled hair, running his fingers through it. He felt the sleep-damp strands slip between them. He saw his hand almost disappear in the thicket of the hair sticking out in all directions. He alternately stroked and grabbed them, they tickled his skin so pleasantly... and all the time he had the impression that they were also the cause of the tickling he felt in his loins, which spread further and further throughout his body.

Without taking his eyes off Harry's eyelids, ready to remove his hand at any moment, he moved his hand and caressed Harry's cheek, warm from sleep. He felt the heat radiating from his skin; the heat that warmed his cool fingers and almost burst into his face. He moved closer, burying his nose and mouth in the dark hair and inhaling its scent deeply. It smelled of chocolate - sweet, steaming chocolate. The scent was so intense that it seemed to make the whole room ripple.

After satiating his senses, Severus moved his face lower to Harry's neck and felt almost dizzy as the scent of vanilla entered his nostrils. He stuck out his tongue and licked that flawless skin, tasting the sweetness mixed with sweat on his tongue. This was most likely what caused the sparks to appear in the air this time. Just like in Severus' body.

Without taking his nose off the warm skin, he moved his face to the bare shoulder, using his hand to remove the covers from Harry so that he could see him in all his glory, his tiny frame, his protruding shoulder blades, the long hollow of his spine extending to his buttocks, and those appetizing hips, which he loved to dig his fingers into so much, kneading the trembling body beneath him and pulling it toward his erect erection without resistance.

He licked his lips and closed his eyes, burying his face in the hot neck and the intoxicating scent again, feeling how the sparks turned into tremors and how the tremors turned into drops of lava that flowed down his skin, burning wounds in it... and how something that didn't let him breathe with Potter so close to him; something that caught his breath in his lungs when he looked at him; something that tugged inside him when he felt him on his tongue and in his nostrils... how that something spread inside him more and more, turning the hunger he always felt into... a nerve-wracking, sense-consuming desire that Severus no longer had the strength to fight. It filled him, flowed through his veins, tore at his loins and tried to tear him apart... and he knew that if he didn't touch Potter soon, if he didn't taste him, if he didn't sink his mouth and teeth and fingers and tongue into him… he's going to go crazy.

He couldn't resist it any longer. He reached for him, with his hands trembling with need; with hands that only wanted to touch him; with lips that wanted to kiss and taste him; with fingers that wanted to dive into his heat and give him pleasure; and finally, with a penis that wanted nothing more than... to be inside him.

And he wondered if it was still a desire... or maybe a madness already?

***

Dumbledore was hooked. The slight mention of a planned attack on the International Quidditch Federation was enough for him to focus entirely on defending it. And taking advantage of the chaos in the building and the Aurors and the employees of the institute running everywhere, Severus only needed two well-aimed Avadas to get rid of the lures indicated by the Dark Lord in the form of the least useful Death Eaters.

The good side had its small win, and the Dark Lord had nothing to lose.

However, there was one more matter that Severus intended to deal with during this mission.

Feeling that the Polyjuice Potion he'd drunk before arriving there was no longer working, he quickened his pace to get to the meeting point at the back of the building as quickly as possible. The street was narrow and dark. He knew he didn't have much time before the Aurors searching the area would show up and that he would have to get this done rather quickly.

He tightened his grip around his wand and walked around the corner.

"Merlin, it's you." Blackwood took a breath and lowered his wand, pointing it defensively at Severus as he suddenly emerged from the darkness. "How did it go? Did you take them out?"

Severus nodded almost imperceptibly, watching the man's arm fall down. Oh, he had risked a lot by bringing him here and telling him that he needed his help in case the Death Eaters managed to retreat and reach a place where they could Apparate. He was to wait here and kill them both as soon as they came into sight. He was risking a lot, because the task assigned to him by the Dark Lord was secret and no one else had the right to know about it. But this risk was nothing compared to what he would receive in return...

Blackwood's hand lowered.

"Expelliarmus."

The unexpectedly cast spell had no major problems with disarming the unprepared man. Severus grabbed his wand just as Blackwood, surprised, exclaimed:

"What are you--?"

"Infirmitate!"

The man doubled over and fell to his knees. He looked as if he had suddenly lost all his strength and was unable to stand.

He slowly raised his head and looked with bloodshot eyes at Severus, whose face at that moment expressed nothing but contempt. Understanding lit up in the brown eyes hidden under the curtain of dirty, curly hair.

"You lured me here on purpose..." he wheezed with difficulty. "What do you want?"

"Only your death," Severus replied calmly, taking a step closer and continuing to point his wand at him.

Blackwood's expression could only be described as a horrified astonishment.

"What? Impossible. The Dark Lord would never--"

"The Dark Lord has nothing to do with this," Snape replied coldly, stepping even closer. "You're here because--" He moved some of the hair covering the man's face with the tip of his wand so that he could clearly see his face. "--you desired the wrong person." Blackwood's curly eyebrows furrowed. Severus leaned forward and hissed in his face in a voice colder than ice. "Potter is only mine. Your dirty hands will never touch him. Never."

He saw Blackwood's eyes widen in disbelief. He could almost hear his thoughts racing wildly, trying to piece together the facts, and to understand.

"Potter? So the Dark Lord's grand plan for Potter... that was it! You really did it, Severus. You got him!"

The ice crystals sparkled in Snape's eyes.

"Fortunately, you will not live long enough to see the solution of this plan," he drawled, aiming straight between the eyes of the immobilized man.

"Wait!" Blackwood croaked desperately. "It was... it was just a joke. Everything I said back then. I don't care about Potter. You can take him. Release me and let's forget about this incident."

The darkness that filled Severus' eyes seemed to fill the entire space as well.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?" he asked contemptuously. "You see... even if you managed to tame your sick impulses... even if you promised under Veritaserum that you wouldn't touch him... even if you castrated yourself... I would still know that you desired him... that any thoughts about him appeared in your perverted mind. So you see... I can't let you live. I can't even let you breathe the same air as him."

Blackwood stared at him in absolute disbelief.

"Severus, you're not serious. It's just some--"

"Shut up!" Severus stuck his wand into his forehead, pushing his head back and forcing the man to look up. "You don't know anything about him. You will never be able to see how he's rising and falling, how he's shining with the glow of pleasure. You will never see this boundless desire in his eyes, his devotion... Can you imagine it? Of course not. How would you know it?"

Blackwood's expression was one of absolute, stunned horror.

"You feel something for him," he said, shocked. "You've gone insane!"

Severus leaned down, bringing his mouth closer to his ear.

"Yes," he whispered. "I've gone insane."

There was a flash of the green light, and Blackwood's face froze forever in an expression of utter astonishment.

Severus put away his wand, looked once more at the still, lifeless body at his feet, and Apparated.

***

The Banshee's eyes were an extremely valuable, rare and difficult to obtain ingredient, so Severus was forced to use the services of a professional ghost hunter, paying him with what he was best at - several complicated potions, impossible to brew for ordinary mortals. It was the only ingredient that could tolerate all types of poisons without fundamentally changing its properties.

Severus soaked the Banshee's eyes with a decoction of belladonna fruit and leaves, black mamba venom and crushed stonefish venom spines and set aside for the most appropriate moment to add them. He just had to find a way to postpone their effects so that the potion would not kill the host immediately after drinking it. It should become active no later than two hours after drinking. He would have to experiment further on a separate potion to find the most appropriate receptor-blocking element that would not turn the host into a plant. And he will need a lot of time for this...

Unfortunately, he didn't have much of it at the moment. The winter break was over and Hogwarts was once again flooded with the laughter and screams of a rowdy bunch of kids, and Severus had to return to his daily duties of teaching, taking tests, grading worthless essays, and preparing Nott for his initiation into the ranks of the Death Eaters.

And it was during one of the trips to the Forbidden Forest - during which he once again had to watch the boy wallow in useless cruelty, undirected and just an unnecessary waste of power - something happened that he did not foresee. Nott, intoxicated by the Dark Magic flowing in his veins, decided in his immature stupidity to attack one of the most dangerous creatures living in the Forbidden Forest - the Crackwats. And of course Severus had to save his skin, which almost cost him his own life.

He never thought that Potter had any useful information under that mop of hair, especially information that could save Severus' life.

And yet.

It's true that Severus was sure that he could handle it on his own, and if things got really bad for him, he was even ready to go to Dumbledore, but Potter... surprised him. And not so much with his knowledge, but... with his reaction. He seemed downright sick with terror. As if the mere thought of losing Severus was enough to rob him of his will to live...

And these words:

Listen... if someone or something hurts you, it's... as if they hurt me. I can not explain that. But I feel it too. You are everything to me...

Again, the words he shouldn't have said; which Severus didn't want to listen to and would rather close his mind to them and not let them echo in his head, as clearly as if they had been engraved inside it.

And he didn't want to remember that terrible feeling that kept him awake all night and forced him to spend it in his armchair in front of the fireplace... the feeling that he might "owe" Potter anything...

No, the boy just had a lot of stupid luck. Severus doesn't owe him anything.

Absolutely nothing.

***

The cupboard. Now!

Severus dropped the stone from his hand, which was hidden in his pocket, and quickened his pace to reach the meeting place before students started pouring out of the classrooms and side corridors. He knew that Potter would come running to him as soon as he read the message. He suspected that if he could, he would even fly on a broom to be even faster. Always so eager, so incredibly thirsty...

Severus stopped in front of a nondescript door, glanced quickly around the corridor, and slipped inside, lighting a candle on a shelf with his wand.

He lost count of how many times he took him during the week... in his chambers, in the empty classrooms, in this very cupboard. Sometimes even several times a day. But no matter how many times he devoured him whole, how many times he saturated all his senses with him... he couldn't get enough of him. He still needed more and more, trying to take advantage of every moment he had left... every single moment. While he still had him.

He didn't have to wait long. Potter appeared almost right behind him. He walked in, a little hesitantly, as usual. In his rumpled school uniform and a bag slung over his shoulder. Carefully, as if he was entering the cave of a beast that was waiting to pounce and devour him.

And it wasn't far from the truth.

[arielgobuss]

62. The Truth

I'm a liar It's my secret no one knows I'm a liar Yeah, I know it doesn't show No, I don't miss you anymore No, I don't think of you It's such a game to seem adored No, I don't love you anymore*

Part 2

In my office in ten minutes, Potter.

Severus stared at the green stone, wondering what on earth had possessed him to send that message.

The boy hadn't spoken to him since Severus tied him up and fucked him during his last detention. He could still feel his reproachful stares, and to be honest, it was starting to annoy him a bit.

He finally decided to do something about it. And since he had already finished the potions he was going to brew for the Dark Lord and a few Death Eaters, the Admorsusexcetra potion didn't require much attention at the moment and Severus had the evening off... there was nothing stopping him from--

The stone glowed, interrupting his thoughts. Severus read the message:

I'm sorry, but I can't come. I'm serving the detention you assigned me. And since cleaning bathrooms is a very long and tedious job, I suspect it will take me the next few days, or maybe even longer.

Severus had a hard time keeping himself from crushing the stone.

Potter's insolence had already reached such a level that only by some strange coincidence, he had not yet fallen to the bottom along with it. How dare he turn his words against himself? How dare he use the detention that Severus himself had given him against him? How dare he make him look for himself in all the bathrooms?

A little voice in his head reminded him that he didn't actually have to look for him. He could ignore it. He can wait until detention.

But then Potter may think he has won, and Severus will never allow that.

He looked at the jewel in his hand once more and stuffed it into his robe pocket.

Potter was doing it again. He was being forced to act again. To...commitment. The boy should run to him whenever he calls him, not stretch out his little claws suddenly and growl. He was demanding. He demanded much more than Severus had originally thought. And the worst thing was that Severus had to meet these requirements so that the boy wouldn't bite the leash and run too far.

Oh, he won't be easy on him this time. This time he would tighten it so tightly that Potter wouldn't even think about struggling again... and that he could get away with growling at his owner...

Severus was already halfway down the hall when the echo of the door slamming shut finally ceased.

*

The door that Severus was staring at was consumed by fire. Just like his body.

He still couldn't get the image of Potter and... Weasley out of his head. He still couldn't shake the feeling that something was eating away at his insides when he saw them together in the bathroom, alone, laughing... and he could still see her lips on Potter's lips and hear her say that Potter belonged to her... . to her!

The flames turned into a conflagration, devouring the dark wood and the black-clad figure.

Potter was his property. His place was here. In Severus' chambers. In his hands. No one else was allowed to touch him. To think about him. To desecrate it. Only him, Severus.

Severus closed his eyes for a moment and licked his lips, trying to extinguish the raging fire that ignited in his veins every time he remembered Potter's whimpers when the boy was clinging to his robes and his fervent assurances:

I am only yours. I will always be only yours. I'm not interested in anyone else. I belong only to you!

Oh, how he wanted to crush him in his hands at that moment; to crush his bones, tear him into tiny pieces; to ram his madly throbbing cock into him so deep that Potter could feel his cum in his throat; to tear him apart with it and leave his mark on every cell of his body and soul... so he would never forget his place again and never let anyone get close to himself again.

Severus took a deep breath. His heavy erection was pressing against the fabric of his pants, causing him pain. He tried to control himself for a moment, but it was impossible. Just let Potter walk through that door... let him appear here, as trembling and insatiable as when he left him in the bathroom... and Severus will prove to him just how spontaneous he can be. He'll spontaneously slam him into that door and--

The chamber glowed crimson as he heard footsteps. The doorknob moved and Severus only had time to notice the green, widening eyes, wet, trembling lips, and his own hands reaching out for Potter and grasping him predatorily before everything was drowned in red and fire, and a thick fog that enveloped everything and through which two silhouettes pressed together were visible. The sound of the hips slamming frantically against the bare buttocks was mixed with the loud moans and heavy panting.

However, at some point, from among these sounds, a whisper, hoarse from screams, emerged:

"Severus... I am... only yours."

And then everything was flooded with light.

***

Wake up, you stupid boy! Your cauldron is about to explode!

Potter opened his eyes, roused from half-sleep, and at the last moment managed to reduce the fire under the cauldron, which was already on the verge of explosion.

Severus narrowed his eyes as he watched the boy reach into his pocket and read the message.

He shouldn't have warned him. Potter should suffer the consequences of his recklessness and carelessness, but--

Well, yes, but--

The boy raised his head, looked at Severus, gave him a slight nod and immediately looked away.

--but Potter has been acting... differently lately. He looked at him in a completely different way, avoided contact, even tried not to notice him at all. He was absent in thought. There was tension in his every gesture.

Potter had never been able to hide his feelings. Severus had always been able to easily read every, even the smallest, change in his face... and right now, every time the boy looked at him... he could see a dark shadow framing his face... and his premonition was getting worse and worse.

When he looked at Potter's hunched shoulders, his downcast face and scared look... he knew he couldn't wait for what was bothering him to develop and poison his mind even more. He must find out the truth before it's too late.

*

And he found out.

He saw it in Potter's mind. The dream where Severus betrayed him. He saw fear and doubt. He saw them wrap around the boy's mind, pulling him away.

He couldn't let that happen.

He controlled his own tumbling emotions so as not to damage Potter's mind and with surgical precision removed the dream from him, knowing that it would also eliminate any inappropriate thoughts that concerned him, and instead replaced it with a simple, banal nightmare.

He carefully withdrew from his mind and watched as consciousness slowly returned to him. Potter's empty, foggy eyes filled with light. The boy blinked.

That was enough. Severus released his trapped emotions.

"What happened..." Potter started, but the man didn't let him finish. He grabbed him by the arm, dragged him out of the living room, then to the door leading to the hall and threw him out.

"I told you I'm busy, Potter. Your detention won't be held today," he growled, slamming the door in his face and then turned around and leaned his back against the wooden surface. Pitch-black ichor flowed down the walls of the office, flooded the floor and crawled up to the ceiling, turning off all the lights in the room along the way.

Severus' face looked as if it had been carved from granite, sharp, with jagged features and narrowed, darkened black eyes, staring at the floor. He seemed to be barely able to breathe, unable to shake the uncomfortable tightness in his chest.

Why? How did Potter come to have such a dream? At what point did he make a mistake? Why did the boy start to doubt? Why did he start to walk away?

The black goo had almost flowed to Severus' shoes, was almost crawling onto his cloak...

He needs a drink!

He moved forward, wading ankle-deep in dark mud. He ran into the living room, went to the bar, took out a bottle of amber liquid and poured himself a whole glass, which he drank in one gulp. He filled the second one and leaned against the counter, looking straight ahead with unseeing eyes.

He can't let him do that. He won't let him go away. Never. He will give him what the boy wants. Sensitivity. More interest. Something that will make him stay...

The oppression has increased. Severus drank a second glass, but the alcohol didn't help. It only made his gaze wander.

He must make Potter look at him like that again... like before. And never draw away from him again... Never.

Severus' fingers tightened around the glass as he remembered the look in Potter's eyes... flustered, scared, distrustful... those same eyes that had always looked at him with desire, devotion... even that damned audacity...

The glass flew across the room and shattered against the wall with a loud clang.

[arielgobuss]

Hello, we are the authors of Desiderium Intimum. One of the most popular Snarry ffs, translated into several languages and read over 1.5M times in the original language. Our ff is a complex 70-chapter story about Harry, who drinks a potion called Desideria Intima, unleashing his deepest desire which is no other than the Potions Master himself. It's story about obsession and unhealthy toxic relationship between the dark cruel Death Eater and The Chosen One, who tries to break through his walls and reach his cold heart... A psychological erotic journey with a lot of angst and humor, which will conquer your heart for many evenings.

We've decided to finish the English translation by ourselves, because it's been abandoned after 33 chapters and never finished. Not only we want to finish it, but also correct the previous chapters. We will also post all illustration that has been created to our ff by two wonderful artists, as well as our own edits and trailers.

Hope you will like our story, we've been writing it for 4 years and we want to introduce it to the whole world!

Here is the main trailer to the first 20 chapters of Desiderium Intimum:

Enjoy! ^_^

Ariel & Gobuss

[arielgobuss]

Apart from being the writers of "Desiderium Intimum" and our book, we were also very active Snarry editors back in the days with millions of views for our edits 🥰 I don't know if you've ever come across our Snarry edits like "Snarry vs Drarry" or "It's OK to be GAY" or many others Harry Potter videos - you can watch all of them on our YouTube account Ariel333Lindt. However, Gobuss' account has been already deleted, Ariel's account is still active on YouTube, althought it might be deleted at any moment, because we can't get access to it anymore due to phone number change.

That's why we would like to inform you that we have created a new channel on YouTube and we will be uploading all our music videos there from both of our accounts - Snarry, other Harry Potter, including all trailers for Desiderium Intimum. Almost 70 music videos. Here is one them:

[arielgobuss]

47. Two days before everything changed

It's funny how we feel so much But we cannot say a word We are screaming inside But we can't be heard*

"Bloody hell! Damn her! She might get stuffed! Selfish egoist! I will never defend her again! Enough of that!" Ron burst into the dormitory so suddenly that Harry, who was lying on the bed, almost fell off it. He quickly pocketed the ball he had received as a Christmas present from Snape and had been staring at for the last fifteen minutes, alternatingly recalling the faces of his mother, father and Sirius. "She became unbearable! Worse than my mother! If I knew that-- What was that?" Ron stopped spewing bitter curses and looked in surprise at Harry, who was trying to seem extremely interested in the wrinkle in the covers.

"What? Oh, it's nothing. Just... a ball. I was practicing... catching the snitch," Harry tried to explain quickly, but Ron frowned suspiciously. "What happened? You look pretty pissed," Harry asked, trying to change the subject.

His friend sighed heavily and fell onto the bed.

"Hermione," he muttered under his breath. "Is she that... I don't know how to call it... terrible to you, too?" Harry frowned, waiting for further explanation from his friend. "It's just that she... fuck, I don't know," Ron huffed irritably. "Her behavior is simply awful. She keeps following me around and telling me what to do. I can't even take a piss on my own. And suddenly she became incredibly demanding. She blames me for everything. That I don't do this, that I don't do that. I just can't take it anymore." Ron wiped his face with his hand and looked at Harry with the expression of a martyr. "Why didn't you stop me while there was still a chance?"

Harry shrugged.

"I didn't tell you to date her," he replied. He didn't feel like listening to Ron's complaints at all. He was going to see Snape in half an hour.

"Maybe it was a mistake?" his friend asked, turning his face to the window. It was late afternoon and the sun, low in the sky, cast long shadows on the sparkling white fields. Harry saw the obvious dejection on Ron's face and felt sorry for him. He knew exactly what he must be going through now. He had felt the same way many times this year. "You know what? I don't feel like sitting here. I don't feel like looking at her at all." The redhead turned his head towards Harry, looking at him with pleading eyes. "Let's go to the pitch and practice Quidditch. I need to have some fun."

Harry felt a pang in his stomach.

"Er... you know, it's quite late..." he muttered. "And it's very cold."

"It never seemed to bother you," Ron muttered with resentment in his voice. "Since you found a girlfriend, you don't have time for us at all. You're always gone. When was the last time we did something together?"

Harry swallowed. Ron was right. Lately, he had been devoting almost all of his free time to Severus. He tried to think of an evening he and Ron spent doing something other than homework, but he really couldn't. His friend looked at him with a mixture of bitterness and hope, and Harry felt very stupid.

He closed his eyes, fighting an internal battle within himself.

"Okay," he finally said. "You're right. Sorry. Let's go. I miss Quidditch too." He smiled faintly.

That was actually true. In winter, training was organized very rarely due to too severe frosts. Even Angelina wasn't sadistic enough to make them train in such conditions. Besides, no other team trained, so no one lost anything.

Ron perked up almost immediately. He jumped out of bed and dived into his trunk, looking for a broom and warm clothes. Harry took advantage of the fact that his friend wasn't paying attention to him and slipped his hand into the pocket, closing his fingers around the green gem.

Sorry, I can't come today. Something came up. We'll meet another time.

He jumped out of bed, feeling excitement in his heart. Oh, he really missed flying. Snape probably won't blame him for not coming to him this one time. Besides, it wasn't the day of the detention, so he didn't have to go.

As he changed into warmer clothes, he felt the warmth emanating from the stone. Pretending to tie his shoe, he knelt down and read the message:

I'll expect you tomorrow evening then.

Oh, he didn't expect Severus to take it so calmly, but he was pleasantly surprised.

All right. - he sent back quickly and stood up. He put both stones in his trunk so as not to lose them on the pitch, put on a few more layers of clothes and left the dormitory with Ron, clutching his Firebolt in his hand and already imagining the taste and smell of the winter air that he would finally be able to taste after this long break.

"Oh, are you going to fly?"

Harry turned halfway down the stairs, seeing Ginny coming out of the girls' dormitory.

"Yes, we want to get some exercise," Ron replied.

The girl beamed.

"Can I come with you? I haven't flown for a long time. I could use some exercise. I've missed the last few training sessions and it's not the same on my own. Greg doesn't like Quidditch." She grimaced, as if the idea of someone not liking Quidditch was as alien to her as house elves speaking ill of their masters.

Ron and Harry exchanged glances.

"Alright. You can be useful. You're gonna practice shooting, I'm gonna practice defense, and Harry's gonna practice finding the Snitch."

"Great!" Ginny clapped her hands. "I'll be right back, give me a minute to change."

***

"Have you seen that overhang? I almost fell off my broom, but it was worth it! Have you seen it? I didn't even know I could do that! It was amazing! Or how I hit that tile with just my fingertips! Have you seen it?" Ron was enthusiastic all the way from the pitch, across the meadows towards the castle, illuminated by the lights shining through the windows. The snow was crunching under their boots, and Harry felt as if every muscle in his body had frozen, and it squeaked even louder now as he walked. Even louder than Ginny's laughter. But at the same time he felt like he was born again. He felt completely relaxed. Like after good sex with Snape. Except that now he had a lot of energy inside him, which was literally driving him crazy.

"Yeah, that was good. Did you see how I made a last-minute turn just above the ground?" he asked Ron and Ginny, grinning from ear to ear and recollecting the rush of frosty air that still played in his hair. "I dug my feet into the snow. I thought I was done for. Hahaha. But at least now I know what to do if Zabini or Cho were hot on my tail. No broom can handle this. Except for the Firebolt."

"Yes, hahaha. I'll try this on my Cleansweep sometime," Ron grinned.

"Better not," Ginny giggled. "I'm not going to pick your pieces out of the snow later. Besides, you only succeeded because my fingers were too cold to aim properly. This isn't good weather for Quidditch though."

"Look," Harry remarked as the three of them entered the castle, stamping their feet and brushing the snow from their shoes, "if you scored so many goals in such conditions, how many will you score in the spring?"

"Scoring goals for Ron is no challenge," the girl smiled, and the Gryffindor turned red.

"You're about to get hit with a broom!" He raised his Cleansweep and swung it at Ginny, who jumped back, laughing, and hid behind Harry.

"Maybe you could stop being so loud?" a plump lady with a baby in a cradle growled at them, depicted in one of the paintings hanging in the Entrance Hall. "You're gonna wake her up!"

Ginny put her hand over her mouth, choking on laughter, while Ron chased her around the Entrance Hall, swinging his broom, and Harry had to lean against a pillar to control his laughter.

"I have to go to the toilet. Wait for me," Ron panted as he stopped for a moment, leaning on his broom, and then headed to the bathroom to the right of the Great Hall.

Ginny stopped next to Harry, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes.

"It was great. It's a pity we don't go out together more often."

Harry straightened up, finally catching his breath. "Yeah. Next time--"

"What's going on here?" a deep, low voice filled the space, seemingly coming from nowhere. Harry felt a chill run down his spine. He turned sharply towards the stairs leading to the dungeons and saw Snape emerging from them. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Ginny's smile immediately disappeared from her face. His own smile was buried under the floor a long time ago.

The man approached them confidently, rustling his cloak. Harry saw only coldness in his eyes, making the frost outside seem like child's play.

"Mr. Potter and Miss Weasley," Snape muttered, stopping in front of them and looking down at them with narrowed eyes. "I see you're having so much fun that you don't care how much noise you make. Your house loses ten points."

"But it's not quiet the curfew yet…" Ginny protested.

"Silence!" Snape's voice seemed to be carved from ice, and Harry felt a strange vibration in it that made something inside him tremble with fear. He made sure he was standing far enough away from Ginny, but moved back a little more just to be safe.

"We were going to fly. Is this somehow prohibited now?" Ginny asked stoutly. Harry silently asked all the deities for her to shut up. Severus didn't seem willing to be lenient at the moment.

"And another ten points for that impertinent tone," he growled, looking at the girl as if she had suddenly turned into a very irritating bug. "I don't care what you do together in your free time, but there are rules in this castle. One of them is the ban on making noise in the corridors. The second rule," he pointed to the wet, muddy traces covering the entire floor, "is the prohibition of destroying or dirtying school property. And for that, another ten points. Clean this up immediately or I will notify Mr. Filch."

Harry wanted to pull out his wand, but Ginny beat him to it. He saw that her hand was shaking slightly as she removed the marks with a cleaning spell. She was obviously having a hard time controlling her anger.

"And the third rule," Snape continued in a vindictive tone, "is the ban on using spells in the corridors. Another ten points for that, Miss Weasley. One more demerit and you'll be grounded, is that clear?"

[arielgobuss]

Back to school

Everyone that you teach all day But you're looking at me in a different way I can see those tell-tale signs Telling me that I was on your mind I can see that you wanted more That's what I go to school for That's what I go to school for*

The winter break was over and the blessed silence of the castle was filled with the excited voices of hundreds of students, breathing youthful vitality and warmth back into the old walls. Harry was glad that he had the opportunity to see Ron and Hermione again, but on the other hand he was very sad that he would no longer be able to see Severus so often, and to stay overnight in his chambers. Right now, when he finally had full permission to do so, and when things finally started to work out between them.

All they had left were the detentions. Three hours, twice a week. So little time. Very little, as he realized with a pang of heart. And, of course, occasional meetings during which - as he told his friends - 'he would be sitting in the Room of Requirement to think and be alone.' But for the time being, that option was out of the question since he had almost two weeks to 'think alone.' No, he'll have to come up with something else.

His friends, especially Ron, had so much to tell him that Harry suspected he wouldn't be seeing his pillow any time soon. He only managed to insert one sentence into Ron's chatter when Hermione asked him how his Christmas was.

"Great!" he replied cheerfully, and it was the sincerest truth. "I mean, it would have been a thousand times better with you, of course," he corrected himself quickly, seeing his friend's surprised look, "but it was really fine. I spent a lot of time with Hagrid or on the grounds and I studied a lot." Hermione smiled proudly at this confession, and Ron grimaced and shook his head in disbelief, as if something like studying during the holidays was as abstract a concept to him as not finishing a meal. "Oh, and I was meeting with Luna because she stayed at Hogwarts too."

"Luna?" Hermione looked at him with surprise.

"Yes. I didn't ask why she stayed, but it was nice to have at least one familiar face with me. So, as you can see, I didn't feel that alone." Harry grinned. "And I'm very glad that you had a great time with your families. I must have missed a lot."

Ron perked up, seeing a chance for himself to continue the story.

"Harry, you can only regret that you weren't with us! Mom baked tons of cookies! I think you got a package from her." Harry nodded, vaguely remembering Mrs. Weasley's box of treats left somewhere under the bed. He completely forgot about it. "Fred and George decorated the Christmas tree with exploding baubles. Too bad you didn't see Mom's fury when she spilled the Christmas soup because of them. Bill and Fleur came too. And even Charlie. He brought us a whole bunch of dragon skin gloves. I took one pair for you because mom insisted. You won't believe what I got from Bill…" Ron babbled, leaning towards Harry, his eyes shining and his cheeks flushed with excitement. He reached into his pocket and took out a small tube, one-third the length of a feather, made of black stone and decorated with what looked like small, milky-white fangs.

"What is this?" Harry asked as Ron placed the object in his hand. It was quite heavy.

"The latest achievement of techno-wizards. Look." He took the object between two fingers and with his other hand grabbed the wooden protrusion sticking out on one side of the tube. He pulled, and to Harry's surprise, Ron's wand emerged from the small object, about thirty-five centimeters long, intact. "Awesome, right?" Ron asked, seeing his friend's admiring look. "They are not on the market yet. They will be introduced only in a month. It works in a similar way to the tent we lived in during the Quidditch World Cup. It fits anywhere and it's a lot more comfortable to walk around with than this long stick digging into your skin," Ron concluded, slipping the wand back into the tube and into his pocket.

"But I doubt it'll be that convenient when you're suddenly attacked and need to quickly pull out that 'long stick' to defend yourself," Hermione snorted, who was sitting next to them on the armrest of the couch in front of the fireplace in the Gryffindor Common Room, which was filled with the chatter of students. , talking passionately about everything that happened to them during the holidays.

"Huh, you're just afraid of any news," Ron snorted, giving her a slightly irritated look, devoid of his usual anger.

"No, I'm just thinking practically," the girl replied, smiling indulgently. "Unlike you."

"I also think practically. After all, this could make the lives of all wizards and witches much easier. You won't have to worry about where the hell to find a place to put your wand in your prom dress. This little wonder will fit into any purse. Even the smallest one."

Hermione blushed and looked like she was going to explode, but instead… she burst out laughing.

"Oh Ron, you should work in advertising," she giggled as Ron blushed brightly.

Harry watched them with increasing amazement, feeling a warm feeling in his heart at hearing their laughter again. They were together again. It was true that he had to cheat on them and he didn't feel comfortable with it, but they were his best friends and he couldn't imagine ever losing them.

"I don't think so, Hermione. I'd rather invent such items myself." He patted his pocket. "Do something that would make life easier for people. Something that could be useful to someone."

The girl had stopped laughing and was now looking at him with softly shining hazel eyes.

"Oh, Ron…" she whispered and leaned forward, pressing her soft lips to his surprised mouth. The redhead turned bright red.

Harry stared at them with wide eyes.

Well, that was a bit… surprising. It was true that he had seen them shyly kissing during the Hogsmeade Christmas party, but there was a huge difference between drunken kissing and a most serious kiss in front of the whole house, and Harry had the unpleasant feeling that he had missed something.

"Ahem…" he finally said, not really knowing what he wanted to say, just to get them apart. "I… I mean… I think I've missed something," he said, looking from one to the other and blinking.

Hermione glanced at Ron and smiled. She looked a bit embarrassed.

"Harry, we--" Ron began hesitantly.

"--are together" Hermione finished.

"Well, that I've noticed myself," Harry said emphatically. He didn't mean for it to come out so harsh when he saw his friends' scared looks. "But how did it happen? You were always arguing."

"It's not that simple," Hermione said quietly, biting her lip. "It's just… sometimes you notice that the person who arouses the greatest emotions in you is the person without whom you can no longer imagine life. And you discover that what irritates you about that person is actually what you love about them. That quarrels and arguments are actually a sign of enormous emotional involvement."

Harry stared at her with his mouth open. He looked at Ron for confirmation.

"That's true, man. When I got drunk back then, suddenly… it was as if something opened up inside me and… you know." He glanced uncertainly at Hermione. He looked like he was apologizing for his feelings and Harry suddenly felt very stupid.

After all, they have the right to be together. They have the right to be happy. So why did he feel such a strange grip in his heart? He encouraged Ron himself, he pushed him into action during the party himself. But somehow he never thought at the time that it could turn into something deeper. That his best friends would suddenly tell him that they were… a couple. That they would now live in their shared world to which he would have no access. That they would share something he couldn't share with them. And yet until now they have always done everything together. And now the two of them will be doing some things only together.

He knew that this feeling of exclusion was irrational, that he himself had secrets from them, but he couldn't get rid of this unpleasant grip on his heart. He felt as if a certain stage of his life had just ended. And he felt very, very bad about it.

"That's… great," he finally said, plastering a fake smile on his face.

"We're sorry we're only telling you about it now, but it didn't fully sink in until over the holidays," Hermione said, looking at him with concern.

"Did you spend Christmas together?"

"Not all of it. I only came after Christmas," the girl explained quickly, as if she was trying to explain something wrong.

"Then it's a good thing I didn't disturb you," Harry said, mentally cursing his bitter tone.

"Oh, Harry, you know we really wanted you to--"

"Give it up, Hermione. I know you were happy that I was gone. It could just be the two of you."

The girl rolled her eyes.

"Stop saying such stupid things. We're still friends after all. We're not going to leave you suddenly, if that's what you mean," she retorted sharply, looking him straight in the eyes. Ron remained silent, clearly surprised and overwhelmed by the whole situation.

"I'm sorry, I-- never mind. I'm glad you're together. That's all," he said, staring at the pattern on the carpet.

"Then you're showing it strangely," Hermione replied softly, though there was still a hint of nervousness in her voice.

"But you're the one who has a girlfriend you don't want to tell us about," Ron said suddenly. "At least we're not lying to you."

"Ron!" Hermione scolded him.

"What? You said yourself that's probably why he's always sneaking out and having his head in the clouds. And then that Anastassy girl talked about that Slytherin girl and--"

"I'm not going to explain myself to you!" Harry growled and jumped up from the couch.

"Harry!" Hermione tried to save the situation, but Ron's words only filled the cup.

"I'm going to the dormitory," Harry announced and, without waiting for an answer, ran up the stairs. He threw himself on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.

This was not how he had imagined their return. He knew he shouldn't act like this, but he couldn't help but feel so… betrayed. Excluded. Pushed away.

Perhaps it was just a defensive reaction. He himself had a secret he was hiding from them. He was angry that he had to do this, that he couldn't tell them the truth. And he desperately looked for anything that would make them look at least partially as bad as he himself felt. For some kind of flaw. He was getting back at them for having to hide the truth from them.

But Harry didn't realize it himself. He felt only inexplicable anger.

A slight movement in the next bed made him realize he wasn't alone here.

"Neville? What are you doing here? Why aren't you downstairs?"

Gryffindor's pale, chubby face peeked out from behind the curtain.

"Oh, hello Harry." He smiled slightly. "I… there are too many people there. Nobody pays attention to me anyway. At least it's quiet here."

Harry felt suddenly struck by the badly concealed sadness on the round face and the loneliness in Neville's eyes. In fact, no matter how you look at it, apart from him, Hermione, Ron, Ginny and Luna, the boy didn't have any friends here. Not that Harry had more of them, but Neville had never been very close to them. Always aloof, always pushed away, always inferior, Harry thought with shame. There used to be Seamus and Dean with them here and they really had a great time together, but since Harry didn't talk to them and they moved to another dormitory, the number of people Neville was close to decreased even more. Because he chose to be faithful to Harry. And Harry almost didn't notice him. He suddenly felt like the worst, ungrateful piece of shit.

He jumped out of bed and sat down on the bed next to the surprised Gryffindor.

"How was your holiday?" he asked, smiling encouragingly.

"Uh… f-fine," the boy uttered. "I spent it with my grandmother. As usual."

Yep, Neville didn't have parents either. A razor-sharp, demanding grandmother was his only family. In this case they were similar. And not only in this.

"Oh.." the Gryffindor said suddenly, and his eyes widened as if he had just remembered something. Something very, very important. "Harry, you know, I have to tell you something. I was in St. Mungo's during the holidays to visit someone… from my family. And you won't guess who I saw there!" Neville stared at him with bright, wide-open eyes. Harry shrugged and shook his head, having no idea who Neville might have met there. "Malfoy!"

Harry suddenly felt a huge weight fall on his stomach and his heart began to beat crazily.

"Are you serious?" he finally choked out.

Neville nodded vigorously. "He was in solitary confinement. I only saw him for a moment because my grandmother was calling for me to hurry up. I stopped to tie my shoe and then one of the healers came into the next room and I saw a blond head and when I turned my head it was Malfoy! I walked closer and looked through the glass. I'm telling you, it was him. He lay there looking like he was dead."

Harry frowned. "How's that?"

"Well… I mean, his eyes were open and he seemed to be breathing, but he was just staring at the ceiling and not moving at all. When the mediwizard was giving him some potion, she had to pick it up and pour it into his mouth because he acted and looked like a rag doll. He didn't react at all. If it weren't for his hair, I would never have recognized him. He was so thin that I could see his veins and even protruding bones under his skin. And he had such long, messy hair. It was terrifying. What do you think happened to him, Harry?"

The boy shook his head, listening to his friend with increasing disbelief. He just couldn't believe it.

Malfoy as a vegetative plant locked in St. Mungo's? After all, it was--

"Terrible," he choked out, and it took him a moment to realize he had said it out loud. He shrugged, still shaking his head. "I have no idea what happened to him."

"I mean… everyone says he was the one who'd attacked you, and then he disappeared and--"

Harry looked sharply at the Gryffindor.

"You don't think I did it, do you?"

"No no no. Of course not," Neville replied quickly, waving his hands. "But this whole thing is kind of… weird."

"Uhm," the boy muttered, lost in his own thoughts.

"Oh, and one more thing," Neville said slowly, remembering more details. "Every now and then Malfoy opened his mouth like he was screaming or something, but he must have had a silencing charm on him because nothing could be heard."

Harry frowned. This whole thing was truly terrifying. He must tell Ron and Hermione about this!

But wait… he's offended at them. Too bad, in that case he will have to 'unoffend'. And he need to do that quickly, because these revelations were gnawing at his insides and he knew he wouldn't last long keeping them to himself.

[arielgobuss]

New chapter is posted!

42. Special evening

I want it now I want it now Give me your heart and your soul And I'm breaking out I'm breaking out Last chance to lose control*

TRAGIC NIGHT IN HAMPSTONE - 12 MURDERED MUGGLES

- screamed the headline on the front page of the Daily Prophet, which Harry placed next to his breakfast plate. He didn't want to read it, he didn't have the strength to do so. He just pursed his lips and stared at the unfinished sausage, feeling that he had suddenly lost all appetite. His stomach felt like it was in knots.

Neither Snape nor Dumbledore showed up for breakfast. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the fifth-year Hufflepuff unfold his copy of The Prophet and, with another Hufflepuff of a similar age sitting next to him, begin a whispered conversation, full of terrified sighs and incredulous shaking of the heads. Harry heard only fragments of their conversation:

"...skinned... can you imagine..."

"...four completely burned houses... atrocity..."

"...a one-and-a-half-year-old child... all the bones were broken and crushed..."

"...it's horrible... it's good that I stayed at Hogwarts..."

Harry just wanted them to shut up. He didn't want to look at it, he didn't want to hear about it. Not now, not today, not on a day like this!

"Harry, are you okay? You look like you were attacked by the Mindbiters. These are little creatures that come in through the nose when someone is depressed and eat their brains. And this makes you feel even more depressed because your thoughts have less space and keep going around in circles.

Harry blinked and turned his head to Luna. The Ravenclaw was staring at him with concern, and at first he was tempted to tell her what he had been thinking about the rest of the night when he finally returned to his dormitory, about everything that had kept him awake. About how Snape had murdered those Muggles, and he'd fucked him yesterday, right after he'd done it... How he hadn't even thought about them for a second as he watched in disbelief as Severus licked his cum from his fingers, tasting it like some kind of ambrosia. About how Snape cursed him, that he wanted to throw the Cruciatus at him, but Harry didn't let him, and then he felt so inexpressibly happy that everything else stopped mattering to him. About how when he returned to the dormitory and looked in the mirror, his face was covered in their blood, which Severus had left on his skin like a mark. How his insides twitched every time he thought about it, but at the same time he couldn't shake the burning joy in his heart that he had managed to break him and that he would be spending the evening, and the night with him, and that Severus let him bring his toothbrush and his pajamas, and...

...damn it!

"Yes, okay," he finally managed to utter. The girl frowned, then looked at the newspaper lying on the table, and something like... understanding appeared on her face.

"Oh, I think there's a reason," she said carelessly, and then, as if nothing had happened, she grabbed the newspaper and put it in her colorful, nail-decorated purse. "My daddy always says that there's no point in worrying about things we can't control. But he adds that then it should be described. But then others will start to worry about it instead, so I don't think that's such a good idea. Because not only would others start worrying, but they would also make us worry... Don't you think so?" She gave him a wide smile.

Harry felt lost. He couldn't think about such twisted, philosophical considerations right now.

"What?" he asked, narrowing his eyes. Luna leaned towards him and whispered:

"It's just that the most important thing is what you feel. Not what's happening around you. Harry, you're the only one who feels pain when you hurt your hand."

The boy blinked, completely not understanding what his friend was getting at.

"So no one has the right to tell you that you shouldn't feel it. Because this pain is only yours, it belongs to you. They don't feel it or understand it. So you shouldn't feel guilty about it."

Harry smiled slightly and nodded. He didn't even say a word, and she still knew what was bothering him. How?

However, he no longer had any appetite. Therefore, he said goodbye and slowly moved towards Gryffindor Tower. He didn't sleep at all last night. Besides, when he came back to his room, it was almost three o'clock, and he was so shaken and excited by all the events that he didn't even think about something as trivial as sleep. Thoughts and memories swirled in his head. The image of Snape... Snape dressed in Death Eater robes, Snape covered in blood, Snape looking at him as if Harry was some...bloody miracle of nature.

His heart melted, forgetting the dirt and remorse.

***

For the fifth time in just two minutes, Harry looked in the mirror to make sure he looked good. This time he had neither the saleswoman nor Ginny at his disposal, by whose reactions he could judge it.

Severus said he would prepare dinner, which in itself was so abstract that it required a specific dress code. Moreover, it was to be their last night together, because all students were going to return tomorrow afternoon, which meant the end of their daily and all-night meetings. Harry felt sad about this, especially since after what had happened tonight, he suspected that everything would change and look completely different now. And he sincerely hoped that it would be a change for the better.

He looked in the mirror again and tried to smooth out the wrinkles on the dark navy blue, tight-fitting blouse, made of a soft, pleasant to the touch material and decorated with white stripes that wrapped around the wrists of slightly too long sleeves. He matched it with equally dark, navy blue trousers made of a material resembling denim, but much smoother to the touch, and black shoes.

He thought he looked good, but the lack of any confirmation made him not so sure. He just wanted to dress nicely. This was supposed to be a special evening after all. He hoped that Snape would appreciate it this time too. After all, he had been waiting for this moment all day long.

Severus did not show up for any meals, and Harry was assigned by Professor McGonagall to clean the Great Hall after the New Year's Eve fireworks before dinner. In the afternoon he went to visit Hagrid. When saying goodbye, he announced that he would not come for dinner because he was tired from the previous night without sleep and would like to go to bed earlier.

He smoothed his hair sticking out in all directions a few times, which, as usual, turned out to be completely ineffective, then he smiled at his reflection in the mirror, grabbed the bag in which he had previously packed his pajamas and cosmetics, along with the Marauder's Map. He put on the invisibility cloak and, swallowing his nervousness and the impatient knot in his stomach, went down to the dungeons.

By the time he stopped in front of the door, he was just a walking bundle of nerves. He didn't know what to expect. It's true that Severus' behavior yesterday, when Harry left his chambers, was exceptionally... hmm, one could say polite, if that word, combined with Severus Snape, was not such an oxymoron. Well, let's say extremely... calm. But Harry knew him well enough to know one thing - he could never predict his behavior, and knowing that, apart from being undoubtedly annoying, was also extremely... exciting.

He raised his hand to touch the door, which, as always, opened on its own, and he walked through the office, taking off his cloak as he went, feeling the anxious gnawing in his stomach. When he entered the living room, immersed in the half-lights softly vibrating on the walls, the first thing he saw was the fixed and motionless look of the black eyes of Severus, who was sitting in an armchair and apparently waiting for him for some time. Harry had the distinct impression that as soon as he entered, the gaze became even more piercing, and the slight smile that appeared on the man's face unnerved him. Just like those amazing eyes that slid down his body, devouring his entire figure in an almost physical way. The smile on Severus' face grew wider and Harry almost completely forgot where his vocal cords had gone when he realized that the man was probably just... happy to see him.

"Uh..." he finally said. "Good evening, S-Severus."

"Good evening, Potter," the man replied calmly, and for a moment Harry felt as if he was going to have to search for his jaw on the floor.

Snape answered him. Well, that was... peculiar.

[arielgobuss]

Here is the preview of the NEWEST chapter of Desiderium Intimum - "You have no idea" - the very first new-translated chapter ^_^

Hope you'll enjoy!

Ariel & Gobuss

"What are you doing in my room, Severus?”

Snape frowned. Piercing Harry with a stare that could cut glass, he hissed:

"In your ro...?” Snape stopped, gritted his teeth, and without thinking for a long time, he grabbed Harry by the shirt, pulled him up, pushed him against the wall and slammed the door.

When Harry finally managed to hold onto the wall, having the impression that the floor was shaking and trying to knock him off his feet at all costs, he remembered something very important.

"Waith a minh-ute... h-howh ih it poh-ssible thhat... thhat you h-can...shee me?" He reached for his hood and found that it was in place. "I h-guess myh Invisibility Cloak h-has expired," he muttered to himself.

He heard Snape's robes flapping when the man turned away from the sealed door and looked at Harry with a basilisk gaze.

"Potter! You're completely drunk!”

"That's not true," Harry protested resentfully, shaking his head to get rid of the spots dancing before his eyes. "I just drank a few... Butterbeers." He shut his eyes, because he felt as if he was on a carousel. "You should really... do... You should do somesi--somehi--mething with the floor, Severus. It’s shak-king terribly. And wav-hing. I don't think we are... on... on a ship?”

Harry had been on a ship once. He remembered how the Dursleys took him on a trip and how Dudley vomited all the time, and Uncle Vernon made a scene and demanded the immediate return to port. It was fun.

But the memories were broken by the furious face of the Potions Master's face that sailed into his view. Snape pressed him against the wall with such force, as if he wanted to sear him into it.

"Potter, explain to me what possessed you to stumble here in the middle of the night, completely exposed, to knock on my door, making enough noise to awaken the entire castle, and then settled down at my door, confusing it with your own bedroom? EVERYONE COULD HAVE SEEN YOU!” Snape roared it so loudly that Harry began to hear ringing in his ears.

"Not so loud…" he muttered. "My head...”

Now, the room began to spin even more. Why was Snape making so much noise?

Harry inhaled violently when he felt cold fingers tightening on his throat as if to strangle him, and he heard the furiously hissed words:

"Answer me!”

"I was going to my dormitory," Harry muttered. "I don't know why it suddenly turned into your office. It's a bit...strange, don't you think?”

"Wait a minute..."Snape's eyes narrowed even more. "You were going to your dormitory? Am I to understand that that pink-haired ignorant, who was supposed to watch you, allowed you to get drunk and then brought you to the castle in THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?” Snape's voice rose with every word, at by the end of it, it got so loud that it was making a hole in Harry's brain. "And instead of leading you to your room, she left you alone you and allowed you to wander through the corridors in this state?!”

"Don't shout so loudly, Severus..." Harry replied weakly, putting down his hands with which he'd tried to cover his ears. Snape let go of his neck, and suddenly finding himself with no support, Harry almost fell to the floor. With difficulty he managed to hold onto the wall and recover the balance.

Snape began to measure his office with long, enraged steps, as if trying to shake off his fury at least a little bit.

"How could the Headmaster allow this? How could he entrust the care of the students to the irresponsible, thoughtless idiot! I will report her! She won’t get away with it! She endangered you deliberately! As a teacher, she should have...”

"I missed you," Harry interrupted him. Snape paused and looked at him as if he had grown a second head. Harry leaned against the wall and stared at the floor. "Throughout the evening I thought... about you. But you were gone. Everyone was there. And they were emb… emrac... embracing. And did other things. And you were not there, so I... I missed you. I just wanted to get back to you. It was stupid that I went there in the first place. I could have... been with you. Do other things. Be together.” For a moment there was silence, and the remnants of Harry’s mind began to wonder what that meant. The major part of his mind was completely drunk, though, too focused on the uncontrolled airing of his feelings that kept spilling over his lips. "Next time I'll take you with me. Yes. I'll do it. And everything will be fine. And I will not feel so alone.”

"It didn't look as if you were feeling that much lonely, Potter." Cold, distant words interrupted his discourse, and forced him to break away from his train of thought for a moment and focus on Snape, who was studying him from under his half-shut eyelids.

Oh yes, Ginny... he remembered. He also remembered that he had been making excuses for this particular occasion, but now they all seemed kind of stupid. Anyway, they slipped his mind. He tried to focus and remember what he could about the incident with Ginny. And tell everything he knows. The whole truth. The truth is probably the best excuse.

"But... That was only one dance. She forced me. She brought her boyfriend and some foolish girl who kept staring at me.” It wasn't a good answer, judging by the sudden outburst of rage in the black eyes, but Harry was too drunk to notice. "Well, and she wanted — this idiot, Anastassy or whatever... She wanted me to dance with her. So I went to Ginny and asked her to get her away from me. But Ginny told me to dance with her and began to teach me how. But I didn't want to! Except that I was doing so well, and I imagined... I imagined that it was you and not her. I mean that you were her.” Judging by the sudden drop in temperature in the room and the goose-bumps on his skin, he jus made everything worse. "I mean..." He shut his eyes, trying to piece together the swirling madly thoughts, but he wasn't able to do so. "I saw you and thought I was dancing with you. I saw you, when I closed my eyes. I wanted you to be there. And then I opened my eyes and you really were there. I was afraid of what you’d think. I tripped. And she fell on me. But I pushed her away! Did you see that I pushed her away?" He looked up with hope at Snape, who was watching him attentively. At the time Harry was mumbling his explanations, Snape went to him and now stood before him, studying his widened, alcohol-misty green eyes, as if subjecting him to analysis.

For a moment there was silence. All the senses of Harry screamed that he refrain from moving and speaking.

"Good," Snape said at the end of it, and Harry felt his whole body loosen with relief, though he slowly forgot what had made him tense in the first place. "But limit your contacts with Miss Weasley to a minimum. I don't know whether you are able to comprehend anything I say to you when you’re in this state, but certainly you remember my warning? If I catch you one more time with her alone, I will not listen to any explanations. I will not listen to anything.”

Harry nodded and put his head on Severus’ chest, because it occurred to him that his head was spinning. Somehow, for a moment, he forgot about it when looking at these two black tunnels.

"Well... that's good that it's good. It's... I'm tired...” he broke away from Severus. "I'm going to take a shower," he announced after a moment and walked unevenly towards what looked like a door. He moved along the shaky ground of the floor in an extremely technically simple way - he stared at the target he wanted to reach and looked at it until it began to get closer to him. Target, not Harry.

But this time it resulted only in him tripping over a foot of the desk chair, which he hadn’t seen, and he crashed down onto the floor.

He groaned, feeling that something crunched in his nose, which hit a hard surface. He felt a piercing pain that seemed to radiate up into his brain.

He raised himself on his elbows and discovered that he could see nothing. Pieces of broken glass and the frames of his glasses lay on the floor. He heard footsteps and soon he felt a strong pull on the shirt that lifted him and placed him on his feet.

"Potter, for the sake of-- How did you managed to get here at all?" Snape said harshly, touching Harry’s nose with his wand. "It’ll hurt. Episkey.”

Harry yelled and grabbed his nose, feeling another twinge of pain and blood flowing onto the lips.

"Ouch! It hurt!”

Snape rolled his eyes before he bent down for Harry’s glasses and casted another spell:

"Oculus Reparo.”

Carefully, he put them on Harry’s nose. Harry blinked and smiled gratefully. He didn't know why, but the gesture seemed so... sweet to him. Severus grimaced and pulled away.

"Come on, you stupid child." He caught his arm. "You can't go back to your tower in this state." After these words he pulled Harry into his chambers, and pushed him into a chair before walking over to one of the shelves.

"It stopped rocking that badly," Harry said, rubbing his face and smearing blood on it even more. “But everything is still spinning.”

Snape snorted, but didn't comment on that. After some time, he approached him, holding in his hand a glass of turbid, light cyan liquid.

"Drink it," he commanded, giving it to him.

"What is it?" Harry frowned.

"Something that’ll make you feel better.”

"But I feel good "Harry grinned. "Only the walls and furniture doesn't let me walk straight.”

"Don't argue with me, just drink it.”

"I don't want to." Harry put the glass on the table. "The last time you gave a drink to me, I felt worse, not better. I remember. A lot worse.”

Severus frowned and stabbed him with his razor-sharp look.

"Potter, don't make me use force.”

Harry caught hold of the handrail to get up, then swayed slightly as he looked defiantly at Snape.

"Don't you want to use... me, Severus?”

The man snorted and looked away.

"Yes, the blood smeared on your face and this stupid smile look very attractive.”

Harry grinned.

"Really?

Snape took out his wand and cast a spell on Harry's face, cleaning it.

"Stop teasing me and drink this potion at last.”

"And you just talk about the potion..." Harry sighed in exasperation, shifted closer and wrapped his arms around Snape's waist. "Why don't you want to use... me?”

"You're drunk," the man muttered, looking down at him with half-closed eyes.

"Last time this did not... stop you," Harry replied, grinning. "I liked it. We can do it again.”

"Potter, being used by somoene implies that it should be done against their will. You can't ask for it.”

Harry frowned.

"Oh, so do I have to pretend that I don't want it? Right. No problem. I will scream and beg you to stop.”

Severus bit his lip. It looked as if he stopped himself from smiling at the last moment after he heard Harry’s sincere, full of eagerness voice with which Harry tore through solidly constructed wall of righteous indignation. He sighed and grabbed Harry by the shoulders, trying to pull him away.

"Potter, I really have no time for this.”

"Do you know..." Harry tightened his arms around Snape with greater force, fearing that he might be pushed away, but not intending to give up without a fight. He looked up at him and saw that Snape was looking more and more annoyed with him. He licked his lips. "Everyone kept asking me… who I'd come with. And why I'd come alone. But they have no idea that I got you. And you got me. They don't know anything. And I was there all alone... all alone. And I thought about you. All the time. And... I wanted to... I wanted to..." He couldn't help it. The whole evening was like a nightmare. Everyone else was doing all these things and he could only dream of it. And now, when he was so close... So close...

He stood on his toes and clung to the cool body. He brushed the dark hair with his hand and he attacked Snape’s ear lobe with his mouth. He pressed close to him and began to greedily lick and bite at it. Severus stiffened for a moment and pulled away, surprised at the sudden sensation.

But Harry has decided not to give him even a moment to reflect and possibly respond. He slipped the other hand between their bodies and tightened it on the man's crotch, rubbing and kneading it.

"I want you… so much,” he whispered hoarsely, alternately kissing and licking the ear and the space behind it. Snape showed no desire to push him away, or murder him, and a distant part of Harry's mind took it as a permission. Besides, he felt now as if he was on a very fast carousel, which he couldn't stop. Or not wanted it. Blood pulsating in his ears, combined with the heat that flew to his lower abdomen and fueled it, didn't allow him to stop or think. All he felt was desire. "I want to... I want to..." he whispered between the fast, greedy kisses, placing them on Severus’ cold, long neck. He felt through the material of trousers that the man got hard. "I want you to... moan my...name..." He squeezed harder, pressing his lips into Snape’s collarbone and sucking.

But the only word that escaped from Severus’ mouth was an irritated:

"Potter!”

Harry winced.

"That's not my name..." He muttered. And then he felt fingers tighten around his wrists. His hands were roughly pulled away. Snape pulled himself away from him and held him at arm's length.

"Listen to me..." He said, sighing in exasperation.

Harry groaned with a sense of loss, and the heat was replaced with a sudden sting of cold, which made him tremble.

Snape doesn't want him. Nobody wants him. Then he'll leave... He'll go somewhere where no one will find him.

He tore his hands and not waiting for any reaction of the man, he moved in the direction in which he had hoped that there was an exit. But his short trip was immediately thwarted.

“Where are you going?” Snape grabbed him by the hood and pulled him back. Harry staggered and took a few steps back. The man grabbed him by the shoulders, set him in front of him and leaned slightly, looking at him with an extremely serious look. “Don't act like a child, Potter. First of all, you're drunk, and second of all, it's the middle of the night. Now it's not the time for that. Do you understand?”

Harry nodded gloomily, staring at the endless row of buttons on the front of the black robe. They blurred before his eyes. Why were there so many of them? And why were they spinning like that? Faster and faster and faster and...

He felt sick. He covered his mouth with his hand and leaned against Severus, feeling his legs giving out.

This time he was not pushed away. All he heard was a heavy sigh that touched his hair. He squeezed his eyes shut, praying for the spinning to stop, and pressed his cheek harder against the rough robe.

The terrible feeling, as if someone was stirring a ladle in his stomach, slowly subsided. His rapid breathing calmed down. He moved his hand away from his mouth and wrapped his arms around Snape. He couldn't help himself. He loved it. He loved cuddling up to Severus and feeling his strong scent penetrate his mind. He loved listening to his heartbeat. He loved feeling so…safe. He also loved that Severus was taller than him. Much taller and much stronger. And Harry only reached his chin and he felt so... so... fragile. He loved being in his power, being dependent on him, feeling that Severus was there for him and took care of him. And that he no longer has to struggle alone with everything that was falling on his head. That he doesn't have to carry it anymore, because he has someone stronger and more powerful than himself who will help him and take away the burden that he had to struggle with all his life. Alone.

[arielgobuss]

32st chapter has been posted! Here's a little preview:

32. Jealousy

Don't touch me please I cannot stand the way you tease I love you though you hurt me so Now I'm going to pack my things and go

Once I ran to you Now I'll run from you This tainted love you've given I give you all a boy could give you*

On Saturday, during breakfast, Ron and Hermione started discussing the upcoming holidays, so Harry could safely indulge in his own thoughts.

He could still feel Severus' touch on his cheek, and from time to time he found himself touching his own face, as if expecting to find the cold, rough fingers slipping right out from under his hands.

Yesterday, he had managed to return to the Common room at the last minute, because Ginny had already mobilized Ron, Hermione, and Neville, where Harry had almost bumped into them at the entrance of the Gryffindor's chambers. Ginny said that Harry was behaving as if he were possessed, or enchanted, so he had to think fast to offer an explanation. In the end, he told them that he'd just wanted to go to the toilet and had gotten stuck there because of Filch. He told himself that at least some of it was true.

Hermione didn't believe his story about tripping and bloodying his ankle, but she didn't ask questions, and did everything she could to treat him. Ron hardly spoke, casting suspicious glances at both him and Ginny. Harry was fed up with it, and expressed this to Ron, making it clear that he wasn't going to explain anything. He was getting increasingly frustrated with Ron's absolute obsession and possessiveness of his sister. After all, Ginny wasn't a child and she could go out with whomever she wanted, yet Ron was making her hide.

Harry knew the feeling. Except-- he really had reasons to hide. Real reasons. If Ginny had decided to insist, if she defied Ron, she could have come to the Christmas party with her mysterious boyfriend and nobody, absolutely nobody, except Ron, of course, would look at her in askance. Harry had no such chance. He could already imagine the faces of his friends, had he brought Severus with him...

Apparently, they would always have to hide. Harry would forever have to go everywhere alone. Luna wouldn't cover for him for a lifetime...

A lifetime?

He blushed slightly when he realized what he had just thought about, and quickly threw it away from his mind. It was too early to think about that. For now, he couldn't even be sure what the next day held, let alone a... "lifetime."

Besides, Snape would prefer to listen to Trelawney’s prophecies all day long, sipping her sugary flavored teas, than to go with him to a students' event, especially one organized by the "pink-haired ignorant".

Harry smiled to himself, imagining Severus's face had he offered for him to go along, but he kept his smile veiled.

"We'll have a great time, right, Harry?" Ron asked, snatching him from the depths of his thoughts. "Ten days without classes, without tests and homework. And most importantly, ten days without Snape," he grinned and patted him on the shoulder. "Isn't that a wonderful vision?"

'Of course not, you idiot,' Harry thought, feeling suddenly angry at his friend.

"We will have a great time, and he will be all on his lonesome in that dark dungeon of his, and I bet he will curse us all, because there won't be anyone around for him to take his anger out on. Instead, he’ll likely take his fury out on the house-elves. Ha! He deserves it, the greasy bastard!" Ron began to giggle, not noticing Hermione's disapproving glance. Harry felt something an icy clench around his heart.

He knew that, most likely, he would have to leave Hogwarts for the Christmas holiday. He remembered that he had always enjoyed such trips, enjoyed the opportunity to spend Christmas with the Weasleys, Hermione, and Ginny... But, now? Now, he had the impression that it would feel akin to the biggest punishment possible. No, he didn't want to leave. He wanted to spend his holidays with Severus. It was his dream. He couldn't leave him here alone. Ron was right. Snape probably always spent Christmas alone. And because of that, he never really celebrated it. He didn't have anyone with whom he could spend it, anyone who wanted to spend this holiday with him.

But that has changed. Now he has Harry.

"What do you think," Ron continued, smiling maliciously, "has that slimy asshole ever gotten at least one gift from someone?" Harry winced. He tried, but failed to listen to Ron humiliating Severus with a straight face. With every word, he felt a growing anger towards his friend and he couldn't stop it. "Ha-ha, probably not. Who would want to give him gifts? The only thing he deserves is a handbag of Dungbombs. Maybe I will ask Fred and George to send him one? The one with trigger mechanism, that shoots when opened. Ha-ha-ha! Can you imagine?"

"You won't do that," Harry hissed angrily, feeling that any second, he would punch Ron. His friends looked at him with surprise. Fortunately, the Gryffindor was still sober enough to immediately understand what he had said and quickly remedied his statement. "I mean... he would guess who it was from, he's not a fool. And when the Christmas break is over, and we come to Hogwarts, he will destroy you. He'll just bury you, Ron. I'm just giving you good advice," he added, although, truthfully, the only thing he wanted to give him was a blow to the face.

He liked Ron, he liked his company. But sometimes he annoyed him so much that he could hardly refrain from getting up and going anywhere but where he was, away from him and his idiotic rants. Or from telling him something that he would later regret. Especially when Ron fell into his "Snape is a disgusting, foul bastard" routine.

Ron frowned and sighed heavily.

"I think you're right, Harry... Oh, but it would have been so funny..."

Hermione shook her head in pity and turned to Harry:

"You’re coming with us to Tonks’ party, right?"

Harry nodded, staring at the table. He still felt a burning anger inside. At Ron, for what he'd said about Snape. At Hermione, who hadn't stopped him. At the Weasleys, who every year invited him to spend Christmas with them. And finally at himself, because he had no idea how to escape this. He couldn't just say that he didn't want to spend Christmas with them, because they'd bombard him with questions, asking “Why?” and he couldn't reveal the truth.

So what could he do?

He would have to come up with something. And very quickly!

Could he deliberately break his leg?

No, Pomfrey would fix him up immediately...

Think. Think!

"Harry!" He heard Hermione's voice. "An owl is here for you."

The Gryffindor broke away from his thoughts and looked at the screech-owl eyeing him. It had apparently landed in Ron's breakfast, and Ron, calling it a 'nasty bird', tried to banish it from his scrambled eggs. Harry barely concealed his smile. He immediately liked the owl.

"What is it?" Hermione asked, when the boy pulled out a small piece of paper from owl's beak and unfolded it.

Harry, after breakfast, please come to my office. I'd like to talk to you. Password: "buttercream candy cane."

Albus Dumbledore

"It's from Dumbledore. He wants to meet with me today," he said, frowning and wondering what the Headmaster could want from him.

He looked around the Great Hall. Dumbledore wasn't at breakfast. Severus wasn't there either, but in his case, it was a common occurrence. Surely he was just busy working in the lab and hadn't time to eat. It seemed, Harry noted, that he would have to take care of his meals and force-feed them to him in the future.

He was no longer hungry, so he could go to the Headmaster now. Anyway, he wouldn't be able to swallow anything - he was already feeling excited and a bit worried about the meeting.

Harry pushed the plate aside and, with a hurried "see you", quickly left the Great Hall to make his way to the headmaster's office.

When he got up there and passed by the chimera, he knocked gently and waited a moment for a call to enter. As he did, he found Dumbledore bent over one of his complicated-looking pieces of equipment.

"Oh, Harry, I didn't think you would turn up so soon. I don't want to waste too much of your time, I'm sure you have more interesting plans for today. Sit down."

The boy obeyed. Dumbledore behaved politely as usual and didn't look at him with disapproval, so certainly it wasn't about him and Snape. Harry breathed a sigh of relief and only now realized how tense he'd been.

The Headmaster sat down behind his desk and folded his hands on the mahogany counter, looking at him over his spectacles. Wrinkled eyelids almost completely hid the now faded blue eyes, and the sparks of amusement, formerly twinkling in them, now looked like a dark, burned wounds.

Harry felt an indefinite uneasiness. Although the Headmaster was trying to act as if everything were normal, in every gesture he could still see fatigue and resignation. It must have been really bad. But he wanted, at any price, to keep up appearances.

"Would you like some lemon drops, Harry?"

The boy blinked, surprised by this sudden question.

"Uh... No, thank you." He attempted the faintest smile.

"I called you here because I want to talk to you about your holiday plans. I know, that like every year, you have been invited to the home of the Weasleys, and I know how much you enjoy the opportunity to spend Christmas with your friends, but in these circumstances... I am forced to ask you to rethink this decision."

The boy frowned, not understanding what the Headmaster meant, but having a vague feeling that he could begin to see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

"You can probably guess that the world outside of Hogwarts is no longer as safe as before, and Voldemort has spies everywhere. Molly and Arthur are great wizards, but I'm afraid that they won't be able to provide you with adequate security, if Voldemort finds out where you are and discovers a way to break the protection spells that create the barrier around their home. Therefore, I would like to ask you to think about it and to decide whether or not you really want to go enough to risk this much. I would be much calmer if you were to stay at Hogwarts. I understand if you refuse, I'm sure you'd rather spend your holidays in the company of loved ones, but it's for your own good, Harry. Think about it."

Harry felt dizzy.

Did he want to stay at Hogwarts?

Of course he did!

With difficulty he managed to prevent the smile from appearing on his mouth.

No, he had to look chagrined. Upset, but firm, resigned to his fate.

"I decided, Professor. You are right, sir. Here, I'll be safer. I will stay. I guess I have no other choice."

[arielgobuss]

68. The world is in your eyes

The yearning to be near you I do what I have to do Deep within I'm shaken by the violence Of existing for only you*

Caught in the grip of despair, the mind searches for everything that could relieve suffering, transforming the things it cannot cope with into a feeling that is equally strong, but allows... to release the pain; to be free from the burden, even for a short while. Someone always has to be... guilty.

"You killed her, you son of a bitch! You are on their side!" Ron growled, piercing Severus with a look that had long since gone beyond insanity and was dangerously fast approaching madness.

George, Fred and Greg stared at Ron in shock. Ginny froze, looking at her brother as if he had suddenly started speaking a different language. They looked like actors placed on stage who suddenly realized that one of them had decided to completely change the script, and if they don't react quickly, the whole play will fall to pieces. Severus was calmly watching the eyes burning with hatred, staring at him, and he felt as if he was watching a play directed by a madman.

Ron's bloodshot eyes searched the ground and before anyone could stop him, he lunged for his wand, turning toward Severus and sending a paralyzing spell at him.

Severus had no problem deflecting the spell, which ricocheted and whistled right next to the Weasley. The girl screamed and immediately crouched down, covering her head with her hands. Fred and George rushed toward their brother, grabbing him by the waist and trying to take his wand.

"What are you doing, Ron?"

The boy seemed completely blinded, though. He broke away from them, elbowing one of the brothers in the stomach and punching the other in the face, and aimed at Severus again, shouting desperately:

"Reducto!"

The man quickly deflected the spell, sending a disarming spell toward the enraged boy, which hit him right in the chest and threw him back several feet. Weasley fell onto his back, a loud groan escaping his lips.

Fred and George almost immediately rushed toward him, grabbing his arms and pinning him to the ground so he couldn't get up.

"Ron, stop it! Are you crazy?" one of them asked, wiping the blood from his broken nose with his sleeve.

"No! Let me go! You know nothing!" Ron shouted, struggling and trying to break free. "He killed Aurors! I saw it! I'm sure he killed her! He's a traitor! A murderer!"

Fred and George froze and turned their heads. Severus felt several pairs of surprised glances at him.

Just great, that was all he needed...

"That's true?" Fred Weasley asked, letting go of his brother, rising from the ground and staring at Snape suspiciously.

Severus looked around. He saw the wands being lifted up. All three Weasleys and the Ravenclaw boy were standing next to each other, pointing their wands at him.

Ungrateful, unreasoning little brats! He should have gotten out of here as soon as they showed up. The Weasleys always brought nothing but trouble. He wasn't going to explain himself to them. Nor waste time on pointless fights.

"Ginny, come here," Greg whispered carefully, and as soon as Snape's gaze fell on the red-haired girl slowly rising from the ground and staring at him in disbelief, his predatory speed, practiced over the years, paid off. He jumped toward her, quickly grabbing her by the throat, putting his wand to her head and shielding himself from the wands aimed at him.

"Let her go!" Greg shouted, tightening his trembling hand on his wand.

"If I were you, I would put these useless sticks aside, unless you want to endanger your sister" he hissed, ruthlessly scanning the surprised faces.

"I told you he was a traitor! You crazy fucking bastard!" Ron roared, aiming at Snape with such ferocity that he seemed to want to incinerate him with just a look.

Fred and George seemed torn between the desire to attack Snape with their bare fists if necessary, and the need to keep their sister safe.

"Let her go, we're putting the wands away now," Fred said, raising his left hand in surrender and simultaneously lowering his wand.

"No, he's going to kill her anyway! Just like he killed Hermione! " Ron exclaimed, taking a step closer.

"Ron, calm down and put the damn wand away!" George growled, moving toward his brother, but at the same moment several spells shouted nearby reached their ears and sharp flashes lit up the air, and after two broken screams, Molly and Arthur Weasley emerged from the fog.

"Fred, George! You weren't supposed to go away!" Molly exclaimed, running to her sons. Her robe was muddy and torn, as if the witch had just made her way through a field of thorny bushes. "Do you know how long we've been looking for you? Ron! Thanks be to Merlin for finding you! Where's your sister--?" Her wandering gaze fell on Severus, who was slowly retreating. "Severus, what are you doing?" she asked, her voice filled with surprise, at the same moment that her husband pointed his wand at Snape. Apparently he was able to understand the situation much faster.

"Let go of our daughter, Severus," he said sharply.

Severus tightened his grip on his hostage's neck, yanking her back and taking another step. The girl moaned in pain.

"Your brats attacked me. In the future, I advise you to keep them on leashes, or I will kill them all."

"You will not threaten my children," Molly Weasley drawled, standing next to her husband and raising her wand.

Severus...

At first, Severus wanted to turn his head to look for the source of that very familiar, warm voice, but he quickly changed his mind. He can't let his guard down. Even for a moment. It's only illus--

Severus...

Merlin, how he wanted to answer him; to tell him to hold on; that he's getting closer; that he will find him soon...

"Severus!" Arthur Weasley's sharp voice pulled him out of the warmth, bringing him back to the battlefield strewn with bodies.

"Move away!" he hissed, retreating even further, and before either of them could make any gesture, the air was filled with curses flying from the smoke.

The Weasleys scattered, deflecting curses and hurling spells at the dark figures circling in the fog, but Molly Weasley seemed to see nothing but her daughter. However, Severus had no intention of getting rid of his hostage. Whether he leaves her and runs away or takes her with him, they may still follow him. But taking her with him would at least give him some sort of precaution.

He deflected the ricocheting spell and put his wand back to the throat of the girl, who struggling in his grip.

"Imperio," he whispered, forcing orders into her head.

Ginny immediately stopped struggling and froze motionless.

"Impedimento!" Molly Weasley shouted at him when she managed to knock down the Death Eater charging at her.

Severus raised his wand to deflect the spell, but Ginny was faster:

"Protego!"

Her mother's spell bounced off the shield the girl had conjured, and Severus was sure he wouldn't soon forget Molly Weasley's shocked and terrified expression.

"Good girl," he said, pursing his lips mockingly and backing out of range. However, before he hid in the clouds of smoke, he saw another four Death Eaters attacking the Weasleys. "Follow me."

The smoke was a great cover. He knew it would be a long time before the Weasleys dealt with the attack and began to chase him. Besides, he doubted whether they would be able to find him in this thick smoke.

He looked at the red-haired Gryffindor running next to him.

Especially since he had their daughter as a living shield and could order her to do anything.

*

He knew that stopping every Death Eater he encountered and asking them if they knew where Malfoy was - if of course he managed to knock them down or fend off his attack - was as pointless as asking them about the Dark Lord's whereabouts. He had to find someone more important, and force him to cooperate.

Bellatrix, Greyback, and Nott were dead. So who was left?

His eyes narrowed.

Yaxley!

And he suspected where he could find him...

[arielgobuss]

66. When love and death embrace

Where are you now? Are you lost? Will I find you again? Are you alone? Are you afraid? Are you searching for me?*

"Stop!" Hermione stopped, listening. "I hear someone's voices."

Her legs were shaking from the effort. In the last few minutes, they had stumbled upon the smoking ruins left by the Aurors and the Death Eaters three times. She still remembered the look in the eyes of one of the dying men as she moved closer to see if anyone had survived. He looked at her as if he was looking from the bottom of the most painful, most terrible abyss imaginable. He couldn't speak, but she could see the silent pleading in his eyes. Begging for death.

And she couldn't do anything to help him...

They later ran away again when they were spotted. They managed to lose the pursuit and move away from the battle line, but they still encountered groups of people running in a hurry. They had to be very careful. Death Eaters seemed to be everywhere.

Hermione frowned, listening to the approaching voices. She should grab Ron and get out of here as quickly as possible, but she needed... information, any clue. She felt like they were both wandering in the dark, and to some extent they were.

"Wait," she whispered to Ron, dropping to her knees and pointing her wand at her legs. "Tacitus Gressus."

"What are you doing?"

"Be right back. Don't move from here," she whispered, moving on all fours towards the voices.

"Hermione!" Ron crouched down, whispering her back. "Come back! Do not go there!"

She wasn't wrong. She heard them more and more clearly. Several Death Eaters combing the area looking for more victims. She stopped, lying on the ground and trying not to even flinch. She saw their dark silhouettes moving in the thick smoke. She tried to understand what they were talking about, but only fragments of sentences reached her ears. She hoped they would mention Harry or at least Voldemort, but they didn't mention anything that would help her, so she backed away quickly, listening if they're going to turn toward them, but they moved away.

"And?" Ron asked as soon as she managed to get back to him. She straightened up, looked at him, and shook her head.

"Nothing. Not a word about Harry," she sighed, taking a deep, shaky breath.

She was so tired... At times she felt as if she was dreaming. As if this was just a nightmare from which she would soon wake up, and she would be at Hogwarts again, and everyone would be there. Everyone who... have gone… And they would be preparing for their exams as always, and her only concern would be getting the highest possible result in her NEWT exams next year...

She shuddered and crossed her arms, rubbing them. She glanced at Ron. He looked at her with furrowed brows and... with something that looked like annoyance.

"I don't know why you did it. What did you expect? You won't learn anything from them anyway," he said bitterly, spitting on the ground.

The girl looked at him without saying a word. Ron looked extremely tired as well, but she didn't blame him at all. She could barely stand herself, and they seemed to be as far from finding Harry as they were when they arrived. Everything was going... wrong.

"We'll find him, Ron," she said quietly, grabbing his hand and squeezing it tightly.

"How? You saw all those corpses yourself!" He waved his hand desperately, pointing to the smoky area. "How do you know we didn't lose? Maybe they all died long ago and we are the only ones left here, running around like lost dogs?"

"Stop it!" She yanked her hand from his grasp. "It certainly didn't happen. Lupin would've told us--"

"Lupin doesn't know anything! In my opinion, we should stop this pointless running and look for my family!"

"Your family definitely sticks together and supports each other, and Harry is there alone!"

Ron's eyes burned wildly.

"Harry is my best friend and I have always sacrificed everything for him, but this time there is nothing we can do! You don't have family here! You don't know what it's like to be afraid for someone!"

Her hand shot up before she could control the wave of fiery anger flooding her chest. Ron, surprised, staggered back as she punched him in the collarbone.

"I'm afraid for you, you idiot!" she shouted, raising her hand to strike again. "I'm worried about Harry! I'm afraid we won't see him again, that we might both die here, that one of these bodies we encounter might be Luna's, or Neville's, or--"

"Maybe a little quieter, Miss Granger, unless you want to get all the Death Eaters in the area here."

Hermione turned abruptly, raising her wand.

*

Faster...

Faster.

Faster!

As she ran, she passed the blurred silhouettes of combatants, jumped over bodies, and cast spells whenever she noticed the suggestion of a black hood.

"Tonks, watch out!" The shout of Arthur Weasley fighting the Death Eater warned her of the impending curse. She dodged and, running in a bent position, knocked out the Death Eater with a stinging spell. She ran past Molly and her daughter, and a few meters away she saw Fred and George Weasley in the smoke, throwing blindingly exploding pellets at two Death Eaters.