#had to put a keep reading bc its long lmao

[soleillunne]

Alohaa!!! (Confession Letter / a letter to check up on them.) (Have him accept love confession please <3) hope your days amazing!!

Hiraeth please(I don’t think I spelled it right…)

( and ) = Is basically thoughts written into the letter and information.) Feel free to ignore this.

For Tighnari

“Hey Tighnari! I hope everything is going amazing in the forest. You’re all doing great at your jobs! Tell collei I’m so proud of her as well. Next time when I visit I’ll be sure to get you and her a few gifts of appreciation.

Has she checked on the sumeru rose she has? I haven’t seen it and want to make sure its violet hues are beautiful. Just like her eyes! ❤️

I’ve been debating to tell you something… A-and No I did not burn anything! I swear! But I don’t know if your reaction will be positive or negative. It can impact me severely. Try bear that in mind when I tell you in this letter later on.

I hope your day/night is going well. Make sure the others are getting plenty of rest and yourself too. I’ll be visiting in a few days. Not telling you what exact day to keep it a surprise. Or well. It’s not really a surprise then huh?

Anyways…. I decided to come visit for another reason. I’ve been dying to see you guys! I haven’t seen you both since Colleis birthday party (or Cynos birthday). Which may not sound like a ton apart I know I know. Can you not tease me this time on me just being clingy and affectionat and extroverted? I’d appreciate it. (Knowing you, you are definitely going to do that to make me suffer…)

Tighnari you most likely are thinking about what I was going to tell you or to stop procrastinating on my words and beating it around the bush. Im getting to it! Promise~

Would you and collei mind if we go see Nilous next performance? She’s been asking me to bring you both along. I can’t make her sad! She’s one of my best friends. 🥰

If you and/or collei can’t come that’s alright… I’ll go by myself or with a different friend. Don’t worry too much.

I think I have finally gathered the courage to say it. This will be really awkward I already know it. You’re probably thinking of what this confession might be. So here it is.

I strongly believe I have Fallen for you Tighnari. This is either my gravest mistake or best moment. I’m guessing your thinking why I have… so I’ll tell you.

You’re so smart,kind and amazing. Despite the sass you radiate off sometimes behind that facade is genuine care for their well-being. Despite being a fennec fox hybrid you didn’t let adaptation to the Avidya forest stop you. You’re an amazing tutor and never gave up on your pupils.

You’re always so friendly at those you trust. Tighnari your ears and tail are also so talented just like you. Your ears can hear distant sounds easier and your tail can help you by catching things if they fell.

Tighnari I love it when you’re researching. You’re always calm and collected, amazed at anything related to nature. You always brightened up my days when I was in sorrow.

I love it when you’re focused on research. You always have a soft smile as you gaze out the window from time to time. The birds chirping are always so calming for me and you with the rain coming down sometimes.

(I’m running out of room to write Tighnari…so I’ll stop it soon.)

Please tell me you can reciprocate my feelings, or deny in a friendly manner. I can deal with it. Despite the tears that might be flowing on my face as I write this. Please tell me you love me back. I’ll be waiting patiently. I’m sorry if you don’t reciprocate, it’s my fault… ( Multiple tear stains can be seen on the letter. With little doodles of flowers and plants. )

I don’t mind staying as friends Tighnari. I can deal with rejection I have many times before. I can endure it. Don’t worry for me. (A nilotpala lotus petal fell onto the paper) I really do wish and hope you feel the same. I’ll be visiting in around a day or so.

I managed to pluck some Nilotpala lotus’s in full bloom today. Here are some Sakura petals and a few inazuman specialties. Let me know if you do enjoy the food. Feel free to share with the others.” (Here’s a package for you and the others. It contains: Sakura Petals, Dango, Nilotpala Lotus’s, Lavender melons, Invigorating Kitty meal,Miso soup, Dango Milk and Sakura Mochi with Tonkotsu Ramen. Surely enough to feed a few of the rangers.)

From Caramel / CaramelStarlight / Y/N~

(A little doodle of Tighnari and Y/N can be seen on the bottom holding hands with a heart above and in between them.)

(Feel free to ignore this ask)

this is so cute bye

Tighnari carefully folds the letter after reading it, and puts it on top of the package full of food. His tail flickers behind him as he takes out his own quill and paper, and starts writing his reply.

"[name],

"It's quiet here without you. The forest rangers are all whining about how they're missing you, but we are all alright. I hope you've been taking care of yourself, as well.

The sumeru rose she has has bloomed fully a couple days ago. She's really excited about it.

I have been taking care of myself, along with the other rangers. Me and Collei will be awaiting your return, then. I won't tell her so that you can at least surprise her with your return.

It really hasn't been long since you've last been here, and yet your presence is missed greatly. Though, i must admit, it's awfully cute that you're this affectionate sometimes.

While I am not sure if i can make it, I'm sure Collei would love to come with you. You can ask her yourself when you return.

Fallen for me, you say? I'm honored to be the object of your affection. I'll admit I never expected you to confess your feelings for me in a letter, but I understand that you are nervous.

I share the same feelings. I love you, and have been for a while, so please. Don't cry over me. I will leave the rest of this conversation for your return.

Thank you for all the food and the flowers. I'll be sure to give the food to the rangers, and take care of the flowers myself.

I hope this letter will be able to ease your nerves until your return, my dear.

Tighnari. "

[elegyofthemoon]

also honkai's lucky there isn't any archives i can sink my teeth into otherwise you wouldn't see me ever i'd just be knee deep eating all the lore through that

[redr0sewrites]

HI HI!!!! if you do ever decide to write for the archangels i would LOVE sum michael hcs.!!.!!.! i would gobble him up yum yum

jumped skipped and hopped over all my other requests to get to this one LMAO- considering he's non-canon i just went off my own hcs soo yea!!!!

🥀Cw: fluff, smut, bible lore™️, possible religious trauma?

🥀minors dni with the nsfw portion

Sfw:

Michael has lived a long, long time, he's been alive since before earth was even created and has definitely seen some things

he knows that many mortals experience love, yet he never really felt such a strong connection until he met you. of course he loved his "family", but michael was a stranger to true love

HES SUCH A GENTLEMAN! michael definitely puts your needs before his, and i hc his love languages to be quality time and acts of service. he loves having you by his side more than anything, and is always spending time with you.

he's the type to give you lots and lots of flowers! you two probably have a garden that he goes to get flowers from, because he just loves how happy you get at such a seemingly simple gesture

michael is very protective, but not in a limiting way, he just wants to make sure your safe. after lucifer fell from heaven and created original sin, michael had to step up and take on even more heavenly duties. he knows how important it is to keep you safe and he loves you a lot, so he worries about you a lot

he honestly misses lucifer a lot, but he would never admit it. he talks to you a lot about his other siblings and family, and tells you stories about the beginning of earth and heaven's creation. he definitely introduces you to the other archangels, seraphims, and heavenly virtues, and loves that you get along with them. i definitely think you'd become buddies with azrael or gabriel, and y'all would cause shenanigans together (much to michaels dismay)

michael is literally so patient with you, and it's genuinely so sweet. everyone can tell he's WHIPPED, and he honestly doesn't mind. he'll listen to you ramble for hours on end, he'll try more modern food for you, he'll even adopt your music taste once he starts dating you! michael loves you as a whole and wants to enjoy everything you're interested in

HUSBAND MATERIAL. he definitely takes it upon himself to cook for you, he helps you clean, anything you need help with he volunteers to assist you.

michael is SUCH a morning person you can not tell me im wrong. he wakes up really early, and loves watching you sleep peacefully. he makes you breakfast in the morning and when its time for you to wake up, he always wakes you up with kisses or tickles or both! he loves holding you in the morning, but he's a little strict about getting up on time, he does have heavenly duties to attend to after all. if you do manage to wake up before him, you might manage to convince him to stay in bed with you for just a few more minutes. he honestly has such a soft spot for you

you are one of the few people allowed to touch his wings, which is a HUGE sign of trust on michael's part. he usually keeps his wings hidden, but there comes a time when they get so irritating that they just need to be preened. he gets all huffy about it because its "such an inconvenience", and you get to laugh at his pouty face while you gently preen his wings!

i think all the archangels have 6 wings, so it definitely takes a while. michael probably falls asleep halfway through, the feeling of your soft, smaller hands on his wings just makes him feel soft and drowsy. preening often transitions to.... other activities if yk what i mean bc of how sensitive angels' wings are. because michael keeps his wings hidden so often, his wings are especially sensitive and its one of the few times you'lll ever see him blush hehe

he has a really soft, smooth voice, and you LOVE listening to him speak. michael will definitely read to you if you ask, and you can't help but nod off to the sound of his melodic voice. i definitely think most abgels are very musical or at least enjoy music, and if you beg, you may get him to sing for you. his voice is lovely, and he'll sing you soft lullabies in old languages that you can't understand but know are loving

you two very rarely argue, and whenever you do come to a disagreement, michael adamantly refuses to raise his voice at you. he would never yell at you or say anything harsh, and is more likely to opt to just spend some time apart to think on the disagreement. he never lets you two go to bed upset, and will always sit down to have a conversation with you about any clashes you two have. i dont see him as too stubborn and i think he's willing to compromise on most accounts, but its very rare that you two argue anyway because he's so sweet all the time

Nsfw:

michael is 100% a giver in bed. he loves giving you oral and always prioritizes your pleasure over his own. he's always focused on making you cum first and really enjoys pleasing you

i see him as a switch, he could definitely be a pleasure dom but i also see him as a bit of a sub as well. sometimes all of his work and overall stress gets to his head, and he trusts you enough to let you take the reins and get him out of his own head. when he subs, he's definitely much louder and a lot whinier. he's definitely not a brat and would probably do anything you ask him to

he has a praise kink both ways, and loves showering you in praise. michael definitely likes mirror sex, and will tell you to call yourself beautiful of pretty or handsome as he fucks you.

"darling, look at how pretty you are. c'mon, i want to hear you say it. look in the mirror, don't you see how pretty you are?"

eye contact is important to him, and he enjoys a lot of basic positions like missionary and things like that, but i also see him being into lotus position because he loves being so close to you.

michael isn't very loud when it comes to sex, but he is big on talking to you. he loves whispering sweet nothings to you as you cum, and praising you in how well you took him

he isn't ridiculously vanilla, but he hasn't been very adventurous either. while i don't think he's had any official relationships before you, i dont see him as a virgin. he's probably slept with a few people, so he has some experience, but he's still learning as well. i think he's down to try most things as long as you're into them, but he wouldn't want to hurt you too much

michael may feel a bit awkward about sex, sure he knows its not a big deal, but a part of him doesn't want to overstep any of your boundaries either. he wants you to know that he's with you because he loves you, not just for sex and will make that abundantly clear. y'all definitely have a serious conversation about it before the first time you have sex, and you definitely have a safeword

GUYS HEAR ME OUT but i think he'd have a bit of a corruption kink. he'd never admit it but the thought of him being your first is SUCH a turn on, and he really loves when you get so fucked-put that you're incoherent. i think he'd be down for a bit of role play, but only if you're into it and it would definitely relate to some sort of corruption or religious corruption

i don't think he'd degrade you too much, but i do think he might mock you a bit. "oh, you were such a devout little thing, i wonder what the others would think of you now darling. sucking in my cock like a vice, you really aren't so innocent after all, aren't you dear?"

he loves overstimulating you until you're incoherent, but i don't think he's big on orgasm denial. he loves pleasuring you and he loves rewarding you more than anything. the only time i see him really denying your orgasms is if you've been a major brat and have pushed him over the edge, or if you ask him to. either way he's gonna mock you a bit on how filthy you are, but will still praise you for taking it so well

he has definitely bought you a lot of pretty little necklaces and loves seeing you in nothing but the gifts he bought you. the way the charm bounces against your chest as he fucks you, it drives him crazy! especially if theyre gold or if theyre cross necklaces, bc its so similar to his color scheme

he likes holding your hand during sex. its very intimate, and he always gives your hand a little squeeze as he's coming

i think one of the few things he's against during sex is hurting you. sure, he'll mock you here and there, but hurting you? no, its just a turnoff for him. your the most precious thing in his life, he'd never want to hurt you even in jest. if you really, really wanted him to you might get him to tie you down or maybe hold your throat/face while he fucks you, but he would never go as far as to hurt you

when it comes to you fucking him, he loves to be praised and pampered. its a bit embarrassing, but he's often so overworked and pent up that he really loves being treated sweetly. he might cry a bit during sex, trust me he's ok, he just gets overstimulated really easily. michael definitely enjoys it tho!

speaking of overstimulation, PLEASE touch his wings during sex! you'll get the sweetest moans and whimpers from him, and he'll get so whiny. its one of the few times he'll beg, and he both loves and hates when you make him cum untouched by only stroking his wings

aftercare is very important to michael, and he always takes time to clean you both up. it's an unspoken agreement that whoever tops cleans up the other first and starts the bath while the person who subbed takes a minute to catch their breath. he always wipes down your thighs and cleans you off, and when it comes to baths, he'll always make sure everything is ready before carrying you to the tub. when he's subbing, he'll probably try his best to help you but may push himself a bit too hard because he's so tired. PLEASE kiss him and pamper him in the tub, tell him how much you love him!!!!

hes genuinely just so sweet in bed and during aftercare, and overall cares about you a lot

PLSSS THE HYPWRFIXATION IS INSANE. I LOVE ALL THE ARCHANGELS AND HEAVEN AUS SM!!!!!!!!! CRYING BEGGING PLEEEADING FOR YALL TO SEND IN REQUESTS FOR ANYONE FROM THE HEAVEN AUS. the one im most familiar with is @esbellesantos au and my fav is azrael so PLSSS feel free to send in azrael reqs 😇 anyways hope yall enjoyed!!! i loved writing this sm!!!!

[oddinary4bts]

Love is a Laserquest | choi san

☆summary: years after your break-up, Choi San comes to you for help. In an attempt to save his life, you escape to your uncle's cabin in the woods far from civilization. Will nostalgia and longing make you fall again, or is Choi San just spinning more lies to you?

☆pairing: gangster!Choi San x female!reader

☆rating: 18+ (minors DNI)

☆genre: gangster au, exes au, angst, smut, a smidge of the one bed trope

☆warnings: guns/gun violence (mentioned), knifes/stabbing (mentioned), a bounty over San's head, death of a minor character (named Jungkook my bad), blood, injuries, stitches, probably some wrong medical terminology bc optometrists don't stitch up people lmao, a panic attack, cursing, pet names, explicit content: oral sex (female receiving) -> face riding, let me know if I forgot any!

☆word count: 16.5k

☆a/n: Here's my submission for Outlaw: The Project hosted by @ssaboala. It is coincidentally my first time posting about another group than bts, so I hope this won't disappoint! I really enjoyed writing it (even though it's really sad oop). Also my first time making a moodboard so hopefully it works haha

☆a/n pt2: thank you to @moonleeai for being my ever-so faithful beta reader, love you lots <3

☆☆☆☆☆

And do you still think love is a Laserquest? Or do you take it all more seriously? I’ve tried to ask you this in some daydreams that I’ve had But you’re always busy being make-believe

Love is a Laserquest – Arctic Monkeys

☆☆☆☆☆

The diner is silent, unoccupied. It always is on late weekday evenings, when most patrons have gone to bed, the city falling under a carpet of hushed silence only night can bring forth. It makes the diner feel like it’s straight out of a 70s movie, and it makes for the perfect study sessions too.

Night isn’t always soundless in your part of town. Hence why you’ve been trying to escape, pursuing an education that has been leaving you penniless, but with a bright future ahead. If you make it out of med school at a certain point, that is.

Tonight, you fear the peace that night usually entails has been ruined for you – there were gunshots earlier, close enough for you to see the police cars racing past as the law officers made it to probably yet another gang fight.

There’s been a gang war on your side of town. The diner has always been safe, a refuge for both sides of the war, where they aren’t allowed to fight. To carry in weapons and hatred. No, the moment they cross the threshold of the diner, the gangsters become one family, sharing struggles that only poverty can cause.

You wipe a table clean before walking back towards the counter. Your open laptop waits for you, and you quickly read the study guide you’ve made for yourself, the cardiovascular system and its pathologies forming a maze in your mind that you’ve yet to decode. Luckily enough, you still have a week before the bloc ends and you have to take the exam.

Plenty of time to cram everything about the heart in your thick little skull, you’d say.

Your lips move in time with what you’re reading, attention solely focused on the bright screen when a thump is heard right outside the door. It startles you, and you turn around to see the empty street out of the glass door.

It takes you about ten seconds to notice the dark form sitting on the ground. They’re leaning against the door, head lolling to the side. You assume it must be someone that’s ended unhoused, something that happens far too often where you live.

You’ve always been kind. When you were younger, you were told your kindness would be your demise. Yet you’ve never been able to be anything but kind, even though sometimes it might put you at risk. So you can’t resist but walk to the front door, trying to push it open.

It’s useless – the weight of the person is keeping it tightly shut, though they do straighten a little, as if coming to their senses. They turn, and the moment their profile comes into view you’re brought back eight years in the past. To a time when the world was still a beautiful place, void of violence and cruelty. To a smile so sweet it made flowers blossom on your heart, and to eyes so sharp you knew they had read your soul.

Choi San is sitting outside the door, and the caked blood on his cheek tells you enough – he’s injured. He pushes away from the door before slowly getting up. He clutches his side as he does it, yet when he turns back towards you and faces your horrified eyes, he still offers you a smirk.

You push the door open, thinking about the years between then and now. You had dated him for a few months that had felt like forever, until you had realized in what kind of business he was getting involved with. You had tried to convince him to flee before it was too late, and he kept promising that he would.

Only he never did, hiding lies with beautiful words that made your teenage self swoon, until your parents had realized and forced you to break up. It had been a nasty break-up, filled with hatred and words you didn’t mean yet had needed to say for him to leave.

You remember breaking his heart like it was yesterday.

“Choi San,” you greet him, and when he lets go of his side, you notice blood on his hand.

Something runs cold inside of you, even though he still sports a smirk on his lips.

He says your name, bowing his head. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

Months, in fact. Because he does come to the diner sometimes. He usually ignores you, and so do you, so it feels strange to have him speak to you. To hear his voice as his words are addressed to you.

“What…” you trail off, glancing down at the ripped fabric of his black tank top.

He’s got a mean cut on his ribs, and it’s only then that you truly realize that he’s badly injured. Because there’s more – one of his biceps has been sliced open too, though blood is barely oozing out of it in small rivulets. The blood on his cheek is from where you assume he’s been punched with rings, and there’s already an underlying bruise under his eye.

“Got beaten up,” he states the obvious, and you immediately open the door wider to let him in.

He limps in, heading towards the nearest booth, where he plops down and lets out a pained grunt. You make sure no one is outside before shutting the door and locking it, flipping the hanging sign on it so it says closed in case a patron decides to show up.

You take a few steps towards San, hands shaking slightly at your side. Because that’s a grown man, bleeding out on the leather seat of the booth, and his eyes are shut though he looks in pain. You don’t know what you’re supposed to do. You haven’t yet started your residency, haven’t really gone from theory to practice… Yet you’re studying to be a doctor, are you not?

“Why are you here?” you ask, though you’re pretty sure you know the answer.

“Didn’t know where else to go,” he says, wincing as one of his eyes opens. He tilts his head to look towards you. “Word around the block says…” he pauses, takes a deep breath before continuing, “that you’re studying to be a doctor”.

So you are right. He’s here because he needs your help, and you’re not quite sure how you feel about it.

“Why…” You look for words, and it takes you a moment to realize that it doesn’t matter.

For all the history between you and him, Choi San doesn’t deserve to bleed out to death on a cheap leather seat in a forgotten diner on the dangerous side of town.

He has the decency to chuckle at the start of your question, which only makes him wince in pain once again.

“Don’t move,” you tell him, and it’s a little stupid because clearly, he’s in no state to move.

He doesn’t question it, and you run to the kitchen to thoroughly wash your hands and grab the first aid kit. At night, no cooks stay around, and you usually only reheat food if needed, which doesn’t really happen. You haven’t had any client coming in at night in weeks… until San, that is. So no one is there to see what is going on, which you reckon is a relief. Because you have no idea what’s going on.

You return to the booth where San is waiting, patiently. He’s clearly wiped his hand on his face because there’s fresh blood on his forehead, and you almost balk at the sight of it.

“What have you done?” you mutter, more to yourself than to him.

It seems he’s still in sync with you because he still hears. “Got involved with the wrong crowd.”

You put the first aid kit down on the table, ignoring his eyes when they flutter open, and he rests his gaze on you.

“I don’t know if I can help you,” you say as you unzip the kit and throw it open. You spare his side a quick glance. “This looks like you’re going to need stitches.”

He makes an effort of looking down at himself, though it mostly fails as he doesn’t raise his head from the seat. “Right.”

You grab everything you think you might need – alcohol swabs to clean his skin, fresh linen to bandage his side and arm, and stuff for his cheek too. He carefully observes you, with that piercing gaze of his that used to make you go crazy inside when you were young and impressionable.

You vaguely motion at him, and he cocks an eyebrow. “What?”

“Are you able to sit up?” you ask. “I can’t reach you if you’re lying back like this.”

His pink tongue darts to wet his lips, and he nods curtly. “Let me…” he trails off, resting a bloody hand on the table while he grabs at the back of the booth to push himself up. It has new blood appearing on his side, and you quickly move towards him, putting some linen against it.

As if it’s going to do anything. He clearly needs stitches, and you’ve got nothing with you to stitch him up.

“Fuck,” he curses lowly as he’s finally sitting. You just keep the linen on his side, eyes a little wide.

Your gazes connect inevitably, and time slows. You think about how he used to smile, how his eyes used to hold a softness you haven’t had the chance to see again since he’s walked out of your life.

Or rather, since you kicked him out of your life.

“I don’t think I can help,” you whisper, and his eyes flicker to your lips.

“I can’t go to the hospital,” he admits, shame turning his features into a mask of regret. “They… If they find me, I’m dead.”

Dread fills every ounce of your being. “San, what have you been doing?”

He looks away from your insistent gaze, scoffing slightly. “You don’t want to know.”

He isn’t wrong; you genuinely don’t want to know. Because he means nothing good, even with all the memories you share with him.

“Is it going to put me in danger?” you ask, as he still obstinately avoids your gaze.

He seems to freeze in front of you, as if you’ve pressed pause to your favourite show. To avoid the awkwardness, you busy yourself with grabbing one of his hands so he can hold the linen in place before you start washing the cut on his arm. It’s not deep, but you’re pretty sure it’ll still leave a mean scar, especially considering he can’t go to the hospital.

The thought has a drop of cold sweat roll along your spine. People want him dead. People want Choi San, the man you know as a young, scared teenager just trying to find a way to make his life better, dead. You remember the innocence in his smile – has he smiled at all in the years apart?

“I should go,” he says flatly. He moves to stand, but you hold him down, two hands firmly placed on his shoulders. It makes him wince, and you quickly release your grip.

“Don’t,” you tell him. “Let me at least patch you up.”

His eyes shut again as his head hangs low. “I am so sorry.”

You don’t even know who he is apologizing to, or why he is. All you know is that it causes your heart to clench in your chest, stealing the breath from your lungs.

When you were younger, you believed San was your star-crossed lover. You believed your high school sweethearts romance would grow until you’d be old and grey and at the end of a very long road. You had dreamed of a future with him, the way only teenagers can dream – with no sense of reality. Because your reality had never been to end up by his side.

His choices had been proof enough of it.

You still remember the day you first kissed. Under an August meteor shower, with just the night sky as your witness. It had been hesitant, slow and soft, just like everything with San. And you had believed the lie, trusted it with every beat of your little heart, until your parents had found out the truth about him.

Until they had broken your heart, even before you had broken his.

If the stars had known then, what was going to happen to you and Choi San, would they still have shone through the night?

He lets out a pained sound as you gently dab at the cut on his bicep. You clean the skin around the wound in and of itself, and he watches you carefully, piercing gaze not missing how your face clouds with memories.

“How have you been doing?” he asks so softly you think his words are a gentle summer breeze on your features.

You can almost still smell the summer night air of that field where you had stargazed, where you’d always meet so long ago.

“I’ve been okay,” you answer, truthfully. Because even though you haven’t seen him, you have lived your life apart from him. Have evolved without him by your side. “Better than you, visibly.”

He didn’t expect the joke. It makes him snort, and then a soft smile grows on his lips, softening the edges of his hard features. “You haven’t changed.”

You have, and yet you haven’t. Like him, you think there’s a part of you that is still sixteen, and will forever be. A part of you that remained stuck in the moment when you watched him walk away in the rain, as if even the sky had to cry for his broken heart.

“Wish I could say the same about you,” you murmur, nostalgia a melancholic song in your words.

He chooses to remain silent, because the proof of how much he’s changed is sitting right in front of you, wounded and bleeding and hurt. The hurt is behind his eyes, in the shadows of the past that have also been obscuring your vision.

“Yeah,” he lets out, barely audible.

And then silence reigns between you, because as much as you once loved him, eight years have made you strangers. You don’t know anything about his life except the dirty, obvious darkness that surrounds him, and he doesn’t know anything except that you are studying to be a doctor…

Which leads you to wonder how does he know in the first place?

You ask him, as you’re wrapping the linen around his bicep to make a makeshift bandage. You’re proud of the result, though your fingers can’t resist but linger on the taut skin over his muscle, surprised at how soft it still is.

“I’ve heard you mention it,” he admits, as you take a step away to look at the material on the table, as if it’ll suddenly make stitches appear for you to put them in his skin. “One of the times I was here.”

“You never said hi,” you reproach him, unable to hide the ghost of a bite in your tone.

“Neither did you,” he points out, and he isn’t wrong.

All you can do is purse your lips as you finally decide to clean his skin. But for that, you have to rid him of his tank top, to make sure there’s no fabric in the wound. You look at him, cheeks somehow burning even though all you’re doing is taking care of a patient.

Though he’s not a patient, and you’re not in a hospital. You’re just a server at a dusty, old diner and he’s just your teenage lover, wounded by his dangerous actions.

“Should I grab scissors to remove your shirt?” you ask, though you’re speaking to yourself more than to him.

He still finds it in him to tease. “You want me out of my shirt?” he enquires, smirk gracing his lips again. “Say no more.”

He tries moving, but you hold up a hand to stop him. “Don’t,” you warn. “You’ll make it bleed more.”

He purses his lips, because nodding. “Right.” He glances at the first aid kit, before his eyes trail to your face again. “You got scissors in that?”

There are. You grab them, before turning towards him. It feels strange: you’ve never undressed him before. You had always wanted to wait, back then, before you slept together. You believed you were too young, and San had always respected it.

“Let me know if I hurt you,” you tell him as you take a step closer to him.

He slightly leans back, furrowing his eyebrows. “What do you plan to do with those that might hurt?”

You roll your eyes, playfully, before taking the two other steps leading to right in front of his legs. You notice that they are slightly parted, allowing you to come closer, and you take a steadying breath before reaching between you, pulling at the fabric of his tank top.

“Stay still and you shouldn’t get hurt,” you whisper, ignoring the heaviness of his piercing gaze on you.

It burns right through you, and you have to tame the beats of your heart at the feeling of the warm skin of his shoulder against the back of your fingers as you bring your other hand forward, until you’ve started cutting his shirt.

It’s stuck to his side where blood has dried, and he winces but remains still and silent as you keep going, pulling on it a little harder to be able to cut. The moment stretches into infinity, because you can’t help but take your time. It reminds you of how you’d used to run your fingers on his back, under his shirt, when you napped in the field in the summertime. In an idyllic world where gangs and violence and war were mere inventions of the media, and not a reality that surrounded you.

You’d loved the field. The wildflowers, the open air, the way it was just you and him and a few lazy bumblebees as clouds lazily crossed the sky above. You were so young then, so innocent. Hands unstained from blood, from his blood.

Because as you cut, the hand touching his shirt stains with blood. You pale at the sight of it, but you keep going, pushing through until you’re done, gently pulling the fabric from his body until he’s sitting there, shirtless, with a long wound on his ribs.

You can’t help but notice his toned chest and the defined abs on his stomach. Though blood mars his skin, turning it into a piece of violence, Choi San is still beautiful. Beautiful in a dark, dangerous way that has you glance outside, making sure no one is looking.

But the streets are empty, void of life at this time of the night. At least, they mostly always are.

“You will need stitches,” you state again as if you both don’t know already.

“I can’t…”

An idea forms in your brain. It’s a stupid idea, and you don’t even know why it crosses your mind.

Your uncle has a hunting cabin far in the woods. He’s a nurse himself, and he’s always kept everything over there in case someone got injured and he had to stitch them up. You haven’t gone in forever, but you still remember the tall trees, the deep forest scent that reminds you of autumn and leaves and grey days spent reading by the fireplace.

You never went hunting, but you did accompany your father when he went, needing an escape from the city once in a while. An escape from a life that was slowly becoming too real.

Your uncle is currently halfway across the country, so you know you’d be alone at the cabin. You glance at your laptop over your shoulder – you have three days off in front of you before your next class on Monday. Indeed, the Friday class is pre-recorded and to watch online in your free time, and you figure you can always watch it some other time.

So you turn towards Choi San, almost surprised that he’s real and he’s still sitting in front of you, honey skin cut open on his ribs.

“I might know a place where you can go,” you admit, with a small voice, surprising both you and him. Because you doubt he expects you to want to help, after tonight.

“What?” he asks.

“My uncle’s cabin,” you remind him, because you’ve told him about it all those years ago. “He should have all that I need to stitch you up.”

San looks down at himself. “You’ve just cut my shirt open.”

It sounds a little dumbfounded, and you can’t help the nervous laugh that falls from your mouth. Because even though it doesn’t look too deep, the wound still is terrifying in and of itself.

“I’ll bandage it,” you whisper. “Before we go.”

He seems like he ponders for a time. You watch the debate across his features, his eyes falling to a spot on your chin. He looks sad, troubled and defeated. “I can’t… I can’t do this to you.”

You ignore his words, carefully washing his side. You avoid the cut and try to be as gentle as you can, but his muscles still flex as he clenches his fists from the pain.

He’s strong. That much hasn’t changed. Because he doesn’t make any sound as you finish washing him and then patch him up with those same careful hands. And when you move to his face, cleaning the blood, his eyes flutter shut, and he sighs softly.

He looks so much like he looked then that your heart aches, and you find yourself blinking away tears for this man who’s had it so rough he believed joining a gang would save him.

“I should have come to you before,” he murmurs. “You’re much gentler than Hongjoong.”

You don’t know the guy he mentioned, and you don’t feel like asking. Don’t feel like acknowledging his words, so you just finish with his cheek before stepping away from the peaceful aura that was treacherously pulling you in.

Like all those years ago, you reckon.

“Let me make a call,” you say, turning away from him as you move to the counter. You feel the weight of his eyes between your shoulder blades as you get your phone from next to your laptop. You call your boss, and as someone that’s never called in sick before, you feel anxiety flush through you.

Because you’re not sick. And how could you tell him that you need to take care of your ex-boyfriend of eight years ago?

Seokhyun picks up on the first ring, voice groggy with sleep when he mutters, “Hello?”

“Boss,” you greet him. You scrape your throat and spare a look towards San who’s watching you curiously. “An emergency came up, and I have to leave the diner.” You swallow the lump in your throat that’s formed from lying, and then you add, “There haven’t been any customers all night, so I was wondering… would you be comfortable with me closing for the rest of the night?”

Your boss says your name, a little reproachfully. But then he sighs, because he knows just as well as you what a good employee you’ve always been. “Are you going to be able to come in tomorrow night?” he asks.

You pull at dry skin on your bottom lip, assessing San’s state. You could always come back to the city for work…

“You know what, I know you’ve got that big exam coming up,” your boss says, sighing into the phone. “Why don’t you take the next week off so you can take care of your emergency and focus on your studies?”

If Seokhyun wasn’t a fifty-three year old married and father of three children man, you think you’d ask him to marry you right now.

“That would be really helpful,” you tell him, gratitude dripping from your voice. “Are you sure that won’t be a problem for the diner?”

“The diner won’t lose profit if it closes for three nights in the week,” he points out. “I’ll see if I can get you replaced for the evening shift on Sunday.”

You thank him again as he grumbles that it’s nothing. He wishes you good luck, and when the line goes silent, you finally meet San’s gaze again.

“All sorted out,” you tell him, offering him a nod. “Let me just close the diner, and then we can go.”

He nods, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips. He observes you as you do so, quickly closing the diner like you’ve done about a hundred times before, though this time you’re far more excited to go. You grab a plastic bag to put away the bloody swabs, and though he groans in pain, San gets up to help you clean the blood that stained the cheap leather of the booth.

Soon enough, you’re ready to go, and you walk outside with the plastic bag in one hand and your backpack on your shoulders as San chuckles, looking down at himself.

“Do you have a shirt for me?” he asks as he follows you out.

You lock the door behind you before glancing at him. He’s quite the sight, naked from the waist up and bandaged like he is, and you can’t help the small chuckle you let out as you glance towards your car, that’s luckily parked right in front.

Though it’s a deadbeat car, you trust it enough to know it’ll make the trip to your uncle’s cabin, even in the middle of the night.

“My ex left some sweaters on the back seat,” you admit as you unlock your car doors and open the trunk to put your backpack and the plastic bag in there. There’s no chance in hell you’ll leave a plastic bag full of bloody swabs near your work.

You see San nod from the periphery of your vision, and then he’s opening the door to the backseat. “Your ex, huh?” he mutters as he grabs a sweater you used to love wearing and that you haven’t convinced yourself to give back to Hyunmin.

He carefully puts it on, and you’re pretty sure just the motion is going to make blood seep through the bandage. Somehow, you don’t care that it might stain Hyunmin’s sweater.

Hyunmin was a cheater, and even though you never really loved him, it took you months before you found the strength to break up with him. Needless to say, he doesn’t deserve his clothes back.

“Yeah,” you flatly say as you move towards the driver’s seat. You sit, and San follows you, naturally, as if you’ve done it a thousand times before.

As you turn the keys in the engine, San asks, “Have you dated a lot?”

You bristle at the question, shooting him an embarrassed look. “Have you?”

“No,” he replies, features fully serious.

You purse your lips, focusing on the road as you start driving. You need to put gas in the car if you want to get to your uncle’s cabin, so you make your way towards the closest one. It takes you a moment before you register how San has stiffened next to you.

“Can we…” he trails off, and he sinks in the seat, trying to hide. “I can’t be seen here.”

You immediately press on the accelerator, and your car speeds down the street as you pass in front of the gas station. You glance at San only when you’re stopped at a red light. He’s pulled the hood of the sweater over his features, and he’s doing his best to hide.

“Where can we stop?” you ask.

“Next town over,” he answers. “I just can’t be seen in Bangtan territory.”

Right. You have no knowledge of how the gangs have divided your city, but you’re not surprised Bangtan has this part of town. It’s the industrial area, and you assume there’s a lot of money to be made around here.

“Sounds good,” you gently say, and then you’re driving again, the light turning green, allowing you to speed away into the night.

You drive silently all the way to the next town, watching your city disappear to be replaced by trees until buildings reappear. San is looking outside the window, and you can’t help but wonder how he’s been doing, truly. How he managed to get injured like he is right now, and mostly, if his dreams of running away still occupy his thoughts.

He had begged you, the evening you had broken up with him. Told you he’d make enough money to be able to move with you across the country and build yourself a nice little life over there. You had wanted to believe him for so long, until your parents had opened your eyes on just how he was trying to make money.

“Do you need anything?” you ask as you finally reach the gas station, pulling into the driveway. You park next to a pump, turning to face him only to find him already watching you.

“I don’t have money to pay for food,” he admits. He shuts his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I lost my wallet in the… altercation.”

You gently put a hand on his forearm. “Hey, my treat. We have to eat.”

He inhales deeply, letting out the breath slowly, before he nods. “Alright. I owe you.”

You reckon he’ll owe you for a lot more than just food at a gas station, but you choose not to say it. Not when you feel like someone’s watching over your shoulder, watching you drive away in the night with the person they are looking for.

You know it’s paranoia. No one followed you out of the city and into this town. It just feels too strange to have him here, with you. In your car, on the way to your uncle’s cabin, as if eight years have gone out the window. As if you can still be young and innocent.

It’s stupid, because you can’t. Time has changed him; time has changed you. And in just a few years you’ll be a doctor, and you’ll finally get out of this hellhole of a city, of its dangerous streets.

Of its equally dangerous man, that you know could probably pull you back in with one of his many well-crafted lies, one of the dreams he weaved expertly, whispering it into your ear.

You take a deep breath before getting out of the car. You go into the station, grab snacks for the next few days and then head to the counter. The guy behind nods as you approach, and you pay for the food and for gas before wishing him a good night and returning outside. San is still squatting in the car, clearly trying to hide, and you put the food on the backseat before putting gas in.

You watch his profile as you put gas in the car. Back when you were dating, his features weren’t as sharp, as glass-cutting as they now are. He used to sport a rounder face, but today you wonder if you’d get a papercut on his jaw. You wouldn’t even be surprised.

When you’re done with gas, you sit back next to him, and you quickly bring the engine back to life before pulling out in the street. As soon as you exit the city, darkness falls on the two of you, tall trees standing on the two sides of the road again. San doesn’t speak much, and it doesn’t take you long to realize he’s dozing off next to you.

“Hey, everything okay?” you ask, suddenly worried that he might have lost too much blood. Which, you reckon, you should have thought about earlier.

He sighs, glancing towards you. “Just tired.”

“Don’t…” you trail off. “Don’t fall asleep.”

He chuckles. “You’re afraid I’m going to die on you?”

“Choi San,” you warn. “Don’t you dare say stuff like that.”

He smiles, but you reckon he’s a little pale. Or at least you think he is, in the silver light of the moon up above. “I think I’m fine. Just…” He offers you a weak smile, though you’ve returned your attention on the winding road. “Just exhausted. I haven’t slept in three days.”

Worry clutches your heart, and you nibble at some dry skin on your bottom lip. “What’s been going on?”

He slightly shrugs. “I can’t tell you. I don’t want to put you in danger…”

“Am I not already in danger by just helping you?”

The silence is telling enough. And it remains for a while until San finally speaks.

“I was in a gunfight a week ago. Accidentally shot the youngest member of the other gang. He didn’t make it, and the gang has put a bounty on my head. Ateez took my gun and told me to run; I laughed in their face and said I wasn’t a coward. Then I got attacked by two guys with knives earlier, and I made it to the diner because I had nowhere else to go.”

Now the silence is deafening, heavy, and you think you’ve altogether stopped breathing. You’re struck with an image of San in the summer sun, smiling wide as he put a flower behind your ear, claiming you were the most beautiful girl he had ever met. The contrast with who he is now – a product of night, shrouded in darkness with no hint of that smile on his lips – is stark. And you wonder when’s the last time he has seen the sun, when’s the last time his life wasn’t violence like this.

When you say nothing, he scoffs, resting his head against the window as if it’d allow him to escape. Because clearly he wants to escape – he’s just told you that he’s killed someone after all.

And you don’t know what to say. Don’t know how to react to someone confessing murder. All you can do is stare at the street ahead, hoping you won’t end up in a gunfight with San. Because where would that lead you, other than in the dramatics of death?

You don’t speak for the rest of the ride. You don’t think he sleeps either, and dawn is clinging to the far horizon when you get to your uncle’s cabin, in a secluded forest that seems straight out of a fairytale. Instead of bringing you awe like it usually does, the sight of it makes you think of all the murder mysteries you had been obsessed with when you were younger, before you realized how horrible the real world truly is.

Neither of you move, as you turn off the engine of the car, and you fall into even more of a tensed silence, though this time you can hear the chirping of the early birds. It’s peaceful, so peaceful you can barely even grasp how tangible the presence of San is next to you. The presence of his actions too, looming between the two of you like a sword of Damocles.

You move first. Putting a hand on the knob, hoping to escape the heaviness into the dawn. San speaks before you can though, and your heart stops in your chest.

“I never meant for him to get hurt,” he murmurs, and you think he’s speaking to himself more than to you. “Everything went too fast, my gun was in my hand and I just… in situations like these, you don’t have time to think.” He leans his head against the headrest, eyes closing. “All I can picture since it’s happened is him falling and blood. Like a fucking blossoming rose, all around him.” He rests his closed fist on his forehead, rubbing it hard. “I haven’t been able to sleep; I’ve been sick every time I’ve tried to eat…”

“San,” you interrupt as you break and break for him. Because this is the San you know. This is the young boy that just wanted to escape and live in a better world. You can almost taste his remorse, taste his regret and shame. It’s poisonous, treacherous, a slippery slope that can’t lead anywhere good. “Let’s get you in. I want to get that cut on your ribs checked.”

He falls silent, and for a moment you feel guilty. Because what if he had more to say? You don’t even think you would have been able to listen. You need the escape, and you know he’ll permit it. Because the man next to you is a broken man, a fracture of what he could have been.

You step out of the car, blinking away tears – from the anxiety, from the exhaustion, and perhaps even from the pain you feel for him. He follows you, wincing as he swings his legs out of the car. He stumbles a little as he stands, but soon enough, he grows steady on his feet, and his attention moves to you. You climb the stairs of the cabin, lifting the rug to find the small trap that leads to the spare key. The padlock is rusted, but it stands strong as you put in the code, and a click is heard when you pull on it.

A few seconds later, you’ve unlocked the front door, pushing it open to reveal the cabin as you remember it. Not a single item is out of place, though dust covers everything, a clear indication that no one has been here in years. You let San in, before going back to the car to get the food you bought, bringing it in and putting it in the fridge. Three full gas canisters hide under the counter, and you sigh in relief – you’ll be able to get the generator on for some electricity.

You motion to the kitchen table. “Have a seat,” you tell San, who somehow looks like a lost puppy. “I’ll get the first aid kit.”

He nods, remaining silent, eyes downcast. You only move when he’s seated, heading to the bathroom area of the cabin, where you startle a spider that almost makes you scream out loud. You keep it in, heart beating out of your chest as you get the kit before moving back into the main area.

San is leaning against the chair, eyes closed. He senses you approaching, and one of his eyes cracks open to watch you carefully, a little like he did earlier, at the diner. It looks so similar to how he used to look at you, when you joined him at the field, that you stop in your tracks, heart squeezing once again.

You don’t like the way Choi San is making you feel, that’s for sure.

“Take off the sweater,” you tell him, putting the kit down on the table. You put some clean linen next to it, to put what you need over it, before washing your hands with the disinfectant you find in the kit. You put latex gloves on after, and then you fish wire and a surgical needle from the first aid kit that you carefully put down on the linen once you’ve torn the packages open.

As you were doing all of that, San took off the shirt, struggling a little as it meant he had to lift his right arm, which pulled at the skin of his ribs, where the cut clearly has started bleeding again. Though, if you’re honest to yourself, you’re pretty sure he’s been bleeding this whole time, even though it probably was just some fine rivulets.

Indeed, the cut isn’t all that deep, you remind yourself. Mostly because you don’t want to even think about the consequences of the blood loss. As long as he stays awake, you figure he’s fine – he would have lost consciousness a while ago if he was losing a lot of blood.

You remove the bandage you had carefully put in place earlier, wincing at the sight of the blood that’s seeped through it. San keeps his eyes close, lets you clean his skin again in peace, and you feel sick to your stomach as you realize you don’t have any anesthetics for the pain that stitching him up will cause. Indeed, the pocket in which your uncle usually leaves the lidocaine is empty, and you remember that he’s had to use it for your dad when he accidentally cut himself with a machete last summer.

“Huh,” you let out. You chuckle nervously. “It’s going to hurt like a bitch.”

His eyes narrow, and he clenches his jaw. “Don’t worry about it.”

You worry at your bottom lip, holding his gaze as you gauge if he’s serious. When his gaze doesn’t falter, you offer him a curt nod, before getting the wire and needle ready under his watchful eyes.

You hand him some linen. “To bite on,” you explain as he just cocks an eyebrow quizzically. That makes his gaze widen a little as if he’s just now realizing how serious you were about it hurting, but he takes it nonetheless.

You think about the theory of how to stitch someone up. It was in your previous block – you watched hours of videos of it in an attempt to desensitize yourself to it. You don’t think it compares to the real thing, but at least you’re somehow confident of what you’re doing when you start.

San startles, groaning in pain, and you offer him a glare. “Don’t move, or it’ll be worse.”

A drop of sweat rolls down his temple, but he still nods. Even as you keep on stitching him, he remains as still as he physically can, though you don’t think he even notices how he’s trembling. Or maybe that’s you – you don’t even know.

Somehow, you make it through the whole thing. You think San might have passed out at some point, but he’s wide awake when you finish the knot to keep the stitches in place, looking up to meet his face.

He’s panting and tears of pain wet his waterline. He blinks them away as he takes the linen out of his mouth, dropping it on the table.

“Fuck,” he curses.

“Let me…” you trail off, mind set on getting something to at least help him cool off, because he’s clearly been heating up.

You grab a washcloth and a small bucket, and head outside to walk down to the lake. You fill the bucket halfway, and take a few seconds to observe the calm surrounding you, hoping that it can ease the nerves rolling inside your heart like dark clouds do on the horizon whenever a storm is coming. You feel it in your bones ��� you have a murderer in your uncle’s cabin.

You have to keep that in mind. To not let Choi San in like you did when you were a young impressionable teenager.

You sigh, closing your eyes to breathe in the fresh morning air. The sun is peaking over the horizon now, and you bask in its hesitant rays for all of twenty seconds before you convince yourself to go back in. You’ve got a patient to take care of, after all.

San hasn’t moved an inch while you were outside. The only indication that he hasn’t died on you is the groan he lets out as you put the wet washcloth on his forehead. You tap his cheek gently, as if to say, ‘suck it up, I’m just trying to take care of you’.

Which is exactly what you’re doing, isn’t it?

You watch him carefully for a few seconds before tapping his shoulder this time around.

“There’s a bed,” you remind him. “You’d be better passing out in a bed.”

He groans again, cracking an eye open. “I’ve just been repeatedly poked with a needle,” he drawls. “Give me a second.”

It makes you laugh. Because of the nerves, maybe. You’re not quite sure. All you know is that you’re laughing, and San opens his second eye to look at you as if you’re crazy. And you laugh for longer than you should – you’re exhausted after all, especially considering you haven’t slept since yesterday morning. So far, adrenaline has been keeping you going, but you can tell you’re about to crash.

“Sorry,” you apologize once you calm down. “This has just been…”

“A lot,” San finishes for you. “I know.”

You nod once before glancing at the doorway to the bedroom. It has no door, as your uncle and your dad usually come here alone and they don’t mind sharing a bed. It makes you realize that you’ll have to share it with San, which you reckon you should have thought about before. Because there’s no way in hell you’ll share a bed with him, especially after he’s told you why he’s being hunted.

There’s always the option of going into town later today so you can get a sleeping bag and floor mat to sleep on. But you’re far too tired right now to even consider driving, so you motion to the bed once again.

“Stick to your side; I’ll stick to mine.”

He smirks though he’s extremely pale. A lot paler than he was before, and you swallow a sudden lump in your throat. Because what if he dies? What are you supposed to do with him if he dies?

“You’ll have to help me to get to the bed ‘cause I don’t think I can move,” he says once his smirk dies. He curses under his breath. “I’m so pathetic.”

You put your hand on his shoulder again, reassuringly, eyes holding his. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re hurt. Everyone is pathetic when they’re hurt.”

He gulps before nodding once. It takes everything in you not to offer him more comfort because you feel like the slope would tilt forwards far too much if you did. Instead, you help him to get up, wincing as he puts most of his weight on you, clutching his side with one hand. You’re infinitely aware of how his skin is sticky with sweat, but you ignore it as you slowly walk to the bedroom.

You can only hope the stitches will hold because you don’t think he’d be able to withstand another round of them.

You finally reach the bedroom and help San sit on the side of the bed. He sighs, eyes shut tightly, and he doesn’t move for a time. When he does, it’s to stiffly lie down on his side.

“You might want to sleep on your back,” you inform him. “I don’t want you rolling around and messing up the stitches.”

He glares at you, though he looks like he’s already half out of it. You hold his gaze until he gives in, turning on his back with a deep sigh. You arrange pillows around him to make sure he’s not moving, and by the time you’re done, his breathing has already evened out.

For a moment, you just watch him sleep. You see him in the field where young love blossomed like a trillion wildflowers. You can almost breathe his pollen again, can almost feel the softness of his skin under your fingertips.

But he’s not what he used to be. Back then, you felt like you had discovered something new. Love, infatuation, affection, and desire, all in the form of the man sleeping next to you. You’d used to kiss, dance and sing to a song only your souls knew, and now you don’t think you recognize him anymore.

As much as he is him, he’s also but just the ghost of what he was. He’s trouble, danger in the shape of innocence, and you recall his words from earlier. You recall the despair, the regret and sorrow that haunted him after he told you. You can’t let him get to your head.

You reckon sleep might help. Though you’re afraid he’s going to waste away in his sleep, so you set up an alarm every hour, before climbing on the other side of the bed. You don’t pull on the covers, mostly because the cabin is warm, and you can imagine it’s just going to get hotter as the sun goes up and the summer heat slowly sizzles into the countryside.

It’s a good thing you put an alarm on. Because when it rings an hour later, you don’t even remember falling asleep. You’re pretty sure the second your head touched the mattress, you were out to the land of dreams. You groan, mostly because you’ve got a slight headache, but you power through it to make sure San is still breathing.

When you see his chest moving up and down steadily, you let yourself fall back asleep.

This goes on for the whole morning, and you only force yourself to stay up when your phone shows that it’s passed noon. As you had suspected earlier, the cabin has gotten extremely warm, so you force yourself out of bed to open all the windows, and then you use the washcloth from earlier to gently wash San’s face of the sweat.

He doesn’t even flinch in his sleep, but he’s still breathing and for now, that’s all that matters.

You head back to the main room, grabbing a pack of chips from where you had left the food earlier, and then you move outside to sit by the lake. Mostly because you need to put distance between you and San, but also just because the childhood memories of this place have you in their hold, and they’ve decided to make you miss the times when you’d swim around with your cousins before both of them had moved out of town.

One day, it’s going to be you too. You already know where you’d go – on the other side of the country, as far away from here as possible. You just want to forget all about the place you grew up in, and you know that, in a few years, you will have forgotten.

Though you’re pretty sure a certain piercing gaze will haunt you forever, especially after the events of today.

When another hour passes, you head back inside, putting the empty bag of chips in the trash before you check up on San. He’s still asleep, but this time he doesn’t look as pale as he did earlier. You assume it’s going to take him a while before he wakes, so you head to the nearest town to grab more food. Mostly to busy yourself, but also just because you know San will need a place to hide for a lot longer than just the weekend. Might as well make sure you have enough for him to survive a couple of days. In town, you also stop to eat at a small café on a small terrasse in the shade of a few trees, and then you grab the food you think you might need at the grocery store.

It’s the middle of the afternoon when you get back, realizing that you forgot to buy a floor mat. As you spy San, who hasn’t moved an inch since he’s fallen asleep, you figure that sleeping next to him tonight should be fine.

As long as his presence in your vicinity doesn’t drag you down memory lane again.

You bought some meat in town, so you head to the little shack outside where the generator is hiding. There’s a gas canister right next to it – also full – and you busy yourself for the next twenty minutes trying to figure out how to get it started. When it finally rumbles to life, you head back inside to put the meat in the fridge, which has finally come to life.

When you hear a groan, you quickly jog to San’s side, fully expecting to find him awake. Surprisingly, he’s still asleep, and you stay next to him for a full minute, thinking he might groan again, though he remains entirely silent.

If it wasn’t for his chest moving up and down steadily, you’d believe him to be dead. But now that a few hours have passed, you’re pretty positive he’ll make it, though he’s probably going to sleep through the day and possibly through the next one too.

Which leaves you in the most peaceful atmosphere you’ve been in for a while, with the opportunity to study as you listen to the rush of wind in the leaves of the tall trees surrounding the cabin. You sit outside, this time near the fireplace, and you study until your stomach grumbles, indicating that it is time for you to cook.

You cook the meat you’ve bought on the grill outside, feeling thankful that your dad once showed you how to use it. You go back in to grab a bottle of water before you eat, and you’re bent in the fridge when you hear San moan again, and this time it sounds like he’s saying something.

You gently close the fridge, making your way to the bedroom. San hasn’t moved, but his features are creased in a frown, and sweat is rolling down his temples. You wet the washcloth, gently wipe his face, and you’re about to leave when he moans again.

It takes you far too long to realize he’s apologizing. What for, you can’t really tell. Though you remember his troubled eyes this morning, you remember his story, and your heart breaks in your chest.

He’s haunted. You think the ghost of the dead guy will probably haunt him for the rest of his life. And suddenly you’re struck thinking maybe, maybe if you hadn’t broken his heart all those years ago, you could have saved him from the gang.

Maybe you could have opened his eyes.

You still remember the break-up like it was yesterday. You remember the rain, him leaving without once looking back, but mostly you remember the words you had uttered. Ghosts of their own, that feel more real now that he’s come back into your life.

*****

                “You’re going to get hurt!” you yelled. “You’ll get hurt, San. What are you thinking?”

He scoffed, shaking his head, and little droplets of water shot all around him. “I’ll be careful. We need the money if we ever want to make it out of this shit town.”

You blinked away tears, folding your arms on your chest as you tried to keep your heart from breaking. Though you reckoned it had broken when your parents had told you what they knew about San. When your father had mentioned Ateez, and you’d truly realized what it meant that he was part of a gang. San, your sweet, soft, and bubbly San, in a gang that had murdered someone just a few weeks ago.

“But that’s not a way to make money!” you screamed, hoping he’d understand. Hoping he’d hear the truth in your words, hoping he’d change his mind before it was too late. “Why don’t you get a part-time job, like me? Then we can go to college and get jobs in a nice city on the other side of the country!”

“It won’t work,” he drawled, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I want to be out soon, not in a few years. I barely even have a roof over my head, Y/n…”

“Come live with me,” you choked out around the lump in your throat.

You both knew fully well that your parents would never let him come near you again.

“I can’t.”

You cried, hiding your face in your hands. You cried thinking of the field where you usually met, thinking about its beauty now fading into ugliness. You thought about the wildflowers, withered and dead as autumn had come. You thought about how you were convinced you knew what love was.

“What’s the point?” you asked then. “What’s the point of putting your life in danger? Life isn’t some sort of a game, Choi San. Worse, what if you have to hurt someone? Do you think you’ll be able to pull the trigger?”

He clenched his jaw, hard. “Do me a favour and stop asking questions.”

You closed your eyes, feeling sick to your stomach. Because it couldn’t be. Not San. Not your smiley San, who’d always weave dandelions crowns with you, as you’d pretend you were a queen and a king of that field you had found. An empty field, an abandoned farmland that was just yours and his to explore. That had been home to your first kiss, and all of those that had followed.

Now you wondered why he had always wanted to meet there in the first place. Was he trying to hide?

"If you love me, you’ll get out while you still can,” you said as your tears suddenly ended.

There was a weird sense of clarity in you, suddenly. You remembered the day you had fallen in love, the moment you had first kissed. You remembered the stars in the sky above, the meteors falling for the two of you. You remembered the music on the radio you had brought. Some Arctic Monkeys song about heartbreak, about moving on and failing to do so. As a joke, when it had ended, you had asked San, “Do you think love is a laserquest?”

His answer had been cryptic, mysterious, things that had made you believe he was the one. “Maybe. Maybe it is, and I’ve shot you in the back while you weren’t looking. Maybe I’m that annoying player that won’t leave you alone.”

“I’ll never find you annoying,” you had replied.

But today, watching the rain rolling down his face like tears, you realized that maybe, maybe you should have seen the warning behind his words. Because this betrayal, it came like he had shot you in the back – you didn’t think you’d be able to recover from it.

The past dwindled away as San spoke again, reminding you of the question you had just asked him. “It’s not a question of love, Y/n. I do love you. But it’s a question of survival.”

You laughed, coldly, and then you said, “You know what? You’re full of shit.”

“Alright then. Do me a favour and tell me to go away.”

“Go away.”

A long silence had lingered between you, voided of that summer warmth that had you falling in love. Like a piece was missing from the contract of you loving him, and him loving you. And you realized, maybe you had never really loved each other anyway.

He nodded once when you didn’t say anything else, before turning away. And you watched him walk away. You watched him thinking he was going to turn around and tell you this was just some twisted joke, the prank of the century. Only, he never turned around, and he disappeared behind the bend in the road, never to be seen again, cracking your heart open and splitting it in half.

*****

                The sun sets, like an ending to a dream. You’ve always liked the end – you think if you could choose, you’d want to witness the end of the world. The nostalgia, the beauty of endings… it’s something you understand now that you didn’t understand when you were younger. Because you and San ending, it had led to you focusing on high school. It had allowed you to get in the good college in town, with a scholarship that covered most of your expenses before you made it to med school.

There’s beauty in knowing losing San has allowed you to live out your dreams.

There’s less beauty in knowing that San has been sleeping for almost thirty-four hours now. Last time you checked, he was still breathing, but you’re starting to be afraid that he just won’t wake up. It’s irrational, you know – after the blood loss it makes sense that he’d sleep for a long time.

But it leaves you with far too much time on your hands to think and revisit the past. You’ve been doing it all day – thinking about the fight with your parents that had led to your break-up with San, thinking about that damn rainy evening he had walked away without once looking back. Thinking of the field, of sunshine and star falls and the sweetness of a first kiss. Thinking that, then, you thought you knew what it was like to be in love.

You haven’t dated anyone serious since San. Hyunmin was a distraction for a while, but you never were into it. Not like you were into San. There’s a guy in your class though, that you’ve been chatting with for a couple of weeks. He’s sweet, innocent, and the perspective of a future seems less scary with him around. He’s mentioned he wants to move across the country once too, and since then you’ve started talking more, the similarity of your wishes drawing you closer.

All day today you’ve been feeling like you’re slowly drifting away though. Slowly getting entrapped in a web you’re not sure you’ll be able to walk away from.

You decide to swim, seeking the fresh clarity only cold water can bring to you. You don’t have a swimsuit with you, but since San is half-dead in bed you figure it doesn’t matter. So you strip naked, feet making squelching sounds in the mud by the lake side as you step in the water.

The sharp cold has you holding your breath, but you don’t slow down. You’ve never slowed down in life – when you make a decision, you bring it to completion. And you’ve decided to swim, so swim you will.

The warm summer evening breeze catches in your hair as you take another step forward, the water now lapping at your thighs. You dread the moment it’ll hit your core, knowing that that’s the worst part, but you breathe in deeply, moving forward. Because there’s no moving backwards now.

When the water hits, your eyes flutter shut, and you hold in the wince that threatens to escape the mask of calm your features hold. Soon enough, you get deep enough to swim, and the movements bring welcomed warmth to your limbs as you flop on your back, tits out of the water.

Your uncle’s cabin is the only cabin in a fifteen miles radius. You know you won’t be interrupted, and so you let the water cool you down. Calm you down, hold you in its fresh embrace. It undoes knots in your back that have formed from worrying about San, but also from worrying about college.

From worrying that you will never be enough. You think it’s a normal anxiety to have, something most people must feel as they go through the trials of college, not knowing what to expect on the other side. A nice career, perhaps, though the perspective of failure is there too, looming over the horizon.

You sigh, and your eyes flutter open as your legs move mindlessly under you, making sure to keep you afloat. You look up at the azury ceiling over your head, so far away as it slowly turns gold. Out of touch, out of grasp. You watch the fluffy white clouds that are lazily crossing the sky, turning fiery in the sunset, as if they have all the time in the universe. And you wish you were them, up above. With nothing to worry about.

Without a Choi San on the brink of death lying about twenty meters away from you. You sigh, and you turn in the water, with the purpose of swimming again. Though your gaze catches movement by the cabin, and your head snaps towards it to see none other than the supposedly Choi San, standing on the deck with a hand clutching his side.

You shriek, looking down at yourself. Most of you is hidden, but you don’t know how long he’s been there. Don’t know if he’s seen you naked as you looked up at the sky.

He doesn’t move, only watches you where you’re swimming.

“Can you please look away?” you say from the water, and he has the nerves to lean against the railing, eyes still boring into where you’re swimming. You think his gaze might be so hot the water will boil, and it startles you into action.

You start walking out of the water, pointing towards the door. “You shouldn’t be up, Choi San.”

“I feel fine,” he says as you take another step forward, and the water barely hides your tits anymore.

That makes him turn around, as he offers you a little bit of privacy. You’re quick to get out of the water and wrap yourself in the towel you brought outside, and then you collect your clothes to head back to the cabin. San dutifully keeps his gaze away until you’re climbing the three steps leading to the deck, and it’s then that his eyes trail to you again.

“Thank you for the water,” he says, offering you a tentative smile.

You left water by his bedside earlier today hoping it will coax him to wake up. You’re strangely surprised that it worked.

“You should go sit inside,” you scold him, only half-heartedly. Because seeing him up and about reassures you, somehow.

He cocks an eyebrow, a smile playing at the corner of his lips. “The weather is beautiful, I’d rather sit outside.”

You roll your eyes, but you do let him walk down the stairs to sit by the fireplace while you go inside to take a quick shower and get dressed. You decide to make some food for him, though you know he shouldn’t eat too much right now, after not having eaten for a while. He has to start slowly, and you don’t even know if he’s hungry anyway.

You settle for preparing a cup of chicken noodle soup for him, so at least it isn’t too heavy on his stomach. You bring it to him outside, as he’s just calmly observing the lake.

“Thank you,” he says, voice small as he grabs the cup and the spoon.

You sit next to him, trying not to watch him eat too much. His hair is sticking to his forehead in some places, and you have the distinct thought that he’ll probably need to shower. At least there’s plenty of rain water in the bucket for the water pump.

“What have you been doing while I was out?” he asks.

You spare him a quick glance before losing your gaze in the rocks of the fireplace. “I’ve studied. Checked up on you. Not much honestly.”

He chuckles. “I’d argue that caring for someone is a lot.”

You glance at him, cheeks burning at the sight of his teasing smile. “Not really.”

He chuckles again, but doesn’t say anything more before eating another spoonful of soup. He’s almost done with the cup when he actually does speak, asking, “How long was I out?”

“A day and a half,” you answer. “I’m actually surprised you haven’t slept longer.”

You can hear the smirk in his voice when he says, “I’m made of tough stuff.”

You snicker, but you don’t say anything, just focusing on where you’re kicking at the dirt. When he’s done with the cup, he puts it down on the ground next to him, before sitting back in the chair. He stretches out his legs in front of him, sighing deeply.

“I still feel out of it,” he admits, and you meet his gaze.

“You can sleep more,” you tell him. “I’d just like to check on the…”

You don’t even have to finish your sentence. He immediately turns so his side is to you, and you have to admit you’ve done a perfectly good job with the stitches.

“So?” he asks.

“All good.” You pat his shoulder. “You can sit comfortably again.”

He’s smiling when he does so, and his gaze wanders to the lake once again. “I’m sorry I…” he trails off, and he chuckles softly. “I’m sorry I interrupted your little swim earlier.”

You have the decency to flush furiously red, and you shrug your shoulders. “No worries, I wasn’t expecting you to be up so soon.”

You fall in a comfortable silence, surprisingly so. Rare stars dot the darkening sky up above, and all that can be heard for a moment is the flap of a bird’s wing as it moves from branches to branches in the trees by the water. The breeze picks up as you watch the little bird, and the leaves dance, loudly so. You’d think it’d be deafening in the silence between you and him, but it’s strangely reassuring.

As if, after all, you found your way back to the field. Only this time it’s completely different, as if decades have passed between you. At least, that’s how it feels like.

You notice San has dozed off in the chair next to you when you were about to speak to him again. To ask him how he’s truly been, in the years between then and now. Hoping to avoid mentioning what led to him coming to you, yesterday, a whole eternity ago.

You watch him, heart aching in your chest. Aching to reach out and brush his hair away from his forehead, aching to heal the cut on his cheek with a gentle swipe of your fingers. If only medicine was so simple…

It seems the peace of the early evening wasn’t going to stay around, because you notice dark clouds rolling in the distance, streaks of lightning cutting through them. Slowly inching closer, menacingly so, and you gently wake San up with your hand on his wrist.

He startles awake, hand shooting to his waist, finding nothing there. It startles you, and you both stare at each other for a moment until you realize what he was looking for.

His gun.

“San…” you let out and he runs his hand through his hair, eyes falling shut as he breathes in and out raggedly.

“Sorry.”

“San, I’m so sorry.”

He doesn’t open his eyes, refuses to let you see the vulnerability you glimpsed behind his piercing gaze. Refuses to acknowledge that he’s terrified, deadly so.

“Let’s go in,” you tell him, softly. Because you’re afraid you’ll spook him, when he’s clearly been living in fear long enough. “There’s a storm coming.”

He nods, carefully getting up without sparing you a glance. He heads inside, hand clutching his side again, while you pick up the chicken noodle soup cup before following him.

You’ve refilled the generator before swimming, so you know it’s been charging the batteries for a while now. You don’t fear ending up in the dark with San, and there’s also always the option of using the lamps and candles your uncle always leave here in case of an emergency.

The storm doesn’t roll in until a little later. You’ve forced San to put a shirt on – mostly so your eyes would stop betraying you, dropping to his toned body whenever he talked to you. You’re currently sitting on the couch, and as the rain starts, hammering against the window behind you, you pull your legs to your chest, wrapping your arms comfortably around them.

“How hard do the storms hit here?” he asks, eyes trailed to the world outside.

You follow his gaze, right as wind picks up to make the water hit the window even harder, creating a cacophony that forces you to speak louder for him to hear. “Pretty hard.”

He nods, and he glances once at you. “Fun.”

You smile, because you’ve always liked storms. Have always found them electrifying, energizing.

“Do you remember when we used to go to the field when it rained?” San asks, taking you by surprise.

Making your heart clench so hard in your chest you have to take a wobbly breath in. If he notices he doesn’t say.

“We were always in that field,” you remind him. “No matter the weather.”

It’s his turn to smile fondly. “It got so pretty with all the wildflowers. But you were afraid of the bees.”

“Bees are scary!” You laugh, and he echoes it with a soft chuckle. “You’re the one that almost pissed yourself when we saw the rat.”

That makes him laugh, and he winces in pain clutching his side. “Gosh, is it supposed to keep on hurting like this?”

It douses your enthusiasm and your smile falls. “Well, it was a solid cut.”

His eyes get lost in the void as he takes on a wistful expression. “I’m surprised I didn’t die.”

You gulp, watching his profile carefully. “It wasn’t deep enough for that…” you trail off, even though you spent most of yesterday and today being convinced he’d die. “At least they didn’t… stab you.”

“They would have if… Wooyoung didn’t shoot.”

You remain silent, not knowing what to reply to that. San interprets that as discomfort, and he quickly adds, “He didn’t shoot them. Just… in the air. It attracted the police.”

You remember the cars zooming past the diner a lifetime ago, and you nod your head. “I heard.”

He seems surprised, and his gaze finally finds yours again. “You did?”

“Yeah.” You chuckle, a little awkwardly. “I hear a lot of shootings, in the diner.”

His eyes widen, mouth falling open cutely. “You do?”

You don’t know what he expected. The diner is right between Ateez and Bangtan territory, and as much as it is a safe space, it is also near enough to dangerous grounds, and you’ve heard plenty of shooting in your time working there.

“Always,” you admit. “It can get scary sometimes… but you also get used to it.”

He looks sad. Infinitely so, like a lost puppy. That’s when the first thunder hits, so sharp and sudden you startle. Not quite as much as San, who ducks, wincing in pain as he clutches his side.

“Shit,” he curses. “Sorry.”

“What’s wrong?” you ask, in time with another thunderclap, though this time it’s more of a rumble.

You watch his chest as he breathes in and out quickly. “Just… fuck.”

Now, concern grows in you, and you gently put a hand on his shoulder. “San…”

He meets your gaze, and there’s so much white in his it makes you think of a terrified prey. And then it clicks: he thought it was a gunshot.

“Hey,” you quickly say, moving closer to him. You’re on the side of the stitches, so you still keep a safe distance between the two of you, but you grab his hand nonetheless. “You’re okay.”

“Fuck,” is all he’s able to say.

“I promise, no one’s going to find you here.”

He remains silent this time around, eyes still boring into yours. You take that as a cue to continue, because you don’t want him to panic. You want his thoughts here, with you, and not miles away in a city he should have escaped from years ago. You wish he had, knowing the atrocities that he would have avoided.

Would he have escaped with you, had you stayed just a little longer?

“I killed someone,” he says, and you balk at the silver lining his gaze. “I fucking killed him.”

You don’t know how to help. All you can think to do is cup his cheek, right as he starts breathing even faster. “Breathe with me, San.”

He doesn’t say anything, but his eyes fall to your mouth. You make a good show of inhaling slowly, before exhaling even slower. It takes him a moment but he eventually follows your lead.

It breaks when there’s another sharp thunderclap, and he flinches, eyes shutting instinctively.

“Hey hey hey,” you say again, even more gentle, softer than before. You move even closer, and when a tear slips out of his closed eyes, you pull him into a hug, careful not to brush his side.

His head falls on your shoulder, and one of his arms wrap around your waist. A thunderclap later, he starts sobbing, fist balling the fabric of your shirt in his tight hold, and you let him do it. You let him hold onto you, hoping it’ll keep him here with you. Hoping it’ll keep him afloat during the storm that’s raging both outside and in his mind.

“It’s going to be okay,” you breathe, and you feel like you’re lying to him.

Because how can he ever be safe from the ghosts inside of his skull? The ghosts wandering the halls of him, tainting his soul with their presence?

“He’s never going to smile again,” San chokes out. “Everyone loved him. Even in Ateez… Jungkook was the best of us. The only one who had a shot at getting out of it.”

You don’t know how good he could have been, if he was a member of Bangtan. In your mind, you’d always seen Bangtan as the bad guys, mostly because they weren’t with San. Even when you had been struggling to evade that life, you’d still rooted for him.

It’s strange how you just realize that now, as you’re holding him while he breaks.

“You didn’t mean to kill him,” you remind San, still speaking with the calmest voice you can muster up. “You didn’t want to, San. You’re not a murderer.”

“I’m still a killer,” he says. He sounds angry, and you reckon he might be angry at himself. Might be consumed with his actions, dragged to hell before his time as his mind gets stuck replaying the events.

“Maybe,” you answer. “But,” you quickly add when he stiffens in your arms. “But you can spend the rest of your life making up for it. Repenting.”

He doesn’t respond right away, as he breaks some more, sobs rocking through him. You’ve never seen him like this, not even when you were younger and in love. It makes your gaze wet, yet you hold on strong for him. You keep your head held high, and you allow him to break in the safe haven that your arms represent.

Because to him, you’ve never been tainted. You’ve always been the ideal he was trying to pursue, albeit the wrong way.

“I don’t know how to repent,” he admits when he calms down. He turns his head, and his nose brushes along the skin of your neck, slightly tickling you. You ignore the feeling, especially as he adds, “Ateez… it’s all I’ve ever known.”

You run a hand on his back, soothingly. “It isn’t.”

Because there was you, too. There was the summer field and the twinkling stars and Artic Monkeys on the radio. There was the two of you, petal-soft kisses exchanged in the dead of night and in the brightness of day. There were rainy days, and then there was rain. There was him walking away, and you hate yourself then.

You wish you had stopped him that day, had kept him from going on to become what he’s become now. A person he clearly hates, someone that has a bounty on his head. Someone that doesn’t even believe they’re allowed redemption and you reckon you don’t even know if he is.

You only know that seeing him break is bending your will, the way the wind outside is bending the trees. All you can hope is that, like the tall trees, you won’t break.

*****

                The storm calmed down sometime around midnight. San ended up falling asleep on the couch, as you’d reassuringly ran your hand through his hair, trying to keep him with you. Though you think he’s been slipping through your fingers, into his demons.

You’ll find a way to bring him back. You have to. Turns out it comes faster than you think, as the electricity runs out and you busy yourself with lighting some candles throughout the main room. When you’re done, you put a blanket over him, and you almost let out a startled scream as his eyes shot open.

“Hello,” you say, resting a hand on your heart to tame the wild beats.

You’re about to move away, but he grabs your hand, forcing you to sit next to him. You don’t really resist, though you think you probably should. You’re weak – weaker still when he murmurs your name.

“San,” you whisper in return, and you’re aware your voice carries too much longing. Longing for a past when life’s atrocities hadn’t changed either of you yet.

“I’m so sorry,” he apologizes, and a tear rolls on his cheek.

You dry it, fingers lingering there. “It’s okay.”

“Angel…”

The nickname brings you back to laser quests and favours and warmth creeping up your stomach for the first time in your life.

“I’m no angel,” you breathe.

“You saved me.”

You hold his gaze. There’s something hiding behind his pupils. The need, to forget. You don’t think you have the ability to run his mind through amnesia, but still you brush his cheek again.

“You deserved saving.”

His eyes glaze once more, though this time no tears fall. “It’s hard to believe it.”

“Do you still believe love is a laser quest?” you ask him, out of the blue.

As if you’re a line straight of that Arctic Monkeys song you listened to the first time you kissed.

“Maybe,” he says, a parallel to that first time you had asked the question. “Maybe it is.”

You can’t resist. You lean down, and you press the gentlest kiss on his lips. His are dry, but the way he sighs with you against him is soft, for your heart and for your mind, and you kiss him again. He lets you lead, follows the dance of your lips, lets you run your hand through his sweaty hair.

Even if you shouldn’t. Even if you know everything you’re doing right now is a mistake, you still find yourself deepening the kiss, opening your lips to slip your tongue out, teasing his mouth. One of his hands finds your thigh, and he squeezes ever so slightly as his tongue finds yours, and you let out a breathy sound.

When you pull away, eyes fluttering open, you find San’s gaze. You think about the boy he was then, the girl you were then. You think about who you were, together. And when he says, “Please make me forget”, you lean again, capturing his mouth in a languid kiss.

For a reason unknown, the summer sky and falling stars pale in comparison to this kiss. Maybe because it holds longing, nostalgia. Hope that life would have turned out differently. For a moment, you picture what it would have been like, without Ateez. With you and him in the field, in your family house, in a car driving by the beach, windows down as the sun sets and you sing along to the radio, wind blowing in your hair.

You see a whole life there, with you and him marrying in the field, under the sun that had been the host of your first love. You imagine growing up by his side, attending college with him in the big city. You imagine how he would have become the owner of his own construction company, like his dad before him. You picture kids laughing, running around the house he would have built for you. You see Christmas light, late nights antics by the firelight.

You see it all, and you know you’ll never have any of it. But if you can have tonight, then you’ll grab it before it slips through your fingers. Before he walks away in the rain again, only to be a memory you cherish in the deepest corners of your heart.

“How?” you ask him when you pull away.

Mostly, you’re asking how to make him forget. But you’re also asking how it is that the feelings are still there, even stronger now, as if they’ve grown up with you, yet haven’t changed like you have. Like they are a constant of an ever-changing universe.

“Kiss me again,” he asks, begs, and you give in. You kiss him wildly, always making sure not to touch his side and the stitches.

You know sex would be a stupid idea, especially with the fresh stitches. But also because he’s barely had time to recover. But he doesn’t really give you a choice, pulling you on top of him until you’re straddling him.

You sit back on him for a second, eyes trailing to the spot where you know the stitches are. “This isn’t a good idea,” you whisper through the ragged breaths caused by the ministrations of his mouth on yours and of yours on his.

“I’m fine,” he says, and you know you shouldn’t believe him. But when he pulls you down again, large hand holding the nape of your neck firmly so you don’t escape, you want to believe him.

Want to believe the beauty of his lies, like you had when you were younger.

From where you’re perched, you can feel the start of his erection pressing against you, and you moan softly in the kiss, rolling your hips. His mouth falls open, and you capture his tongue, sucking on it once before you pull away, leaving hot kisses on his jaw.

“Sit on my face,” he says, and he sounds out of his mind. Crazed, a little like you too feel at the moment.

“What?”

“Can’t get hurt if you sit on my face, angel,” he explains, and then hisses when you suck a hickey on his neck.

You let him pull your shirt off, unclasping your bra yourself as you sit back on his lap. He cups your breasts, rolling your erect nipples between his thumbs and indexes. You moan again, grinding your hips into his, and he hisses once more.

“You want to taste me?” you ask, head throwing back as he pinches your nipples hard.

“I’d fuck you, but you’re the doctor. Can’t risk fucking up my stitches, huh?” he replies, voice low and husky.

Your core heats up, pussy clenching around nothing. This is a side of him you’ve never seen, though you spy desperation beneath it. Like he thinks he doesn’t have forever, when it comes to you.

He’s right. Because tomorrow, you’ll have to go back into town, into the hellscape you call home. What will be left of the two of you then?

So when he tugs at your pants, you give in and get up, taking off your pants and panties in one swift motion. You step out of them, blood heating up by the way he’s looking at you through half-lidded eyes, gaze burning on you.

You have half a thought that you could probably ride him instead of his face, but when you see his pink tongue darting out to wet his lips, making them glisten in the candlelight, you need to know what it’ll feel like against you.

So you straddle his face as he guides you down, large hands pushing on your thighs until your pussy is a hairsbreadth away from his lips. He blows on it, and your eyes shut with sensitivity. You clutch the cushion of the couch, hoping it’ll help steady you, but the moment his tongue flicks at your clit, you realize nothing will be able to steady you. Yet you still hold onto it, especially as he dives his tongue between your folds, lapping up your juice. He moans in contentment, before moving to your clit again. And his tongue is wicked down there, like it knows exactly what you like.

You grab a handful of his hair, grinding into his face. You’re pretty sure he’s chuckling down there, and then he unleashes himself. Sucking hard, alternating circling motions to teasing you with his teeth. You’d expect the latter to hurt, but the way he does it just makes you see stars, and your pussy clenches around nothing again.

San is deadly good with his mouth. Both with crafting lies and pulling moans out of you, and your thighs tighten against his face as he sucks particularly hard, before dipping his tongue inside of you. His nose brushes your clit, and then he forces you to properly sit on him.

The way his tongue moves inside of you, lapping up your juices while opening you up, has you on the brink of an orgasm in no time. Especially as he makes you grind again, holding you tight into place. When one of his hands moves from around your thigh to reach your clit, you cry out, head throwing back.

He’s quick to rub at your sensitive clit, and you grab one of your breasts, massaging it mindlessly before you pinch your nipple, hard, right in time with a skilled swipe of his tongue. Your orgasm meets you there, shaking through you as it explodes in a blinding flash of light. You moan, loudly, something that resembles his name, and he keeps you going, guides you through your high until you cringe with oversensitivity.

Only then does he let you climb off from his face. You stand on wobbly legs, before deciding to sit next to him, and you catch sight of the smirk on his lips. It makes you blush, right as you realize what you’ve just done.

When you realize what kind of sinful activity he’s dragged you in, this time around.

“Gosh,” is all you manage to say.

He chuckles, clearly proud with himself. “That felt good?”

You worry at your bottom lip, eyes going down to the tent in his pants. You want to pleasure him too, to take him in your mouth and make him feel good, but he stops you with a hand wrapped around your wrist.

“Don’t.”

You still and you meet his gaze with slightly-widened eyes. “Why not?”

His features turn somber, haunted, and the heat of the moment passes so quickly you think it might have been a figment of your imagination.

Were you really riding his face just a moment ago?

“Please just lay next to me,” he says, barely even a whisper.

You don’t know a lot of men that would choose cuddling over getting a blowjob, but if that is what he wants, then you’ll give it to him. You lay next to him, glad that the injured side is closer to the couch. That way, you can cuddle up to him, resting your head on his shoulder while he wraps an arm around you.

“Angel,” he murmurs after a time. “You’re a fucking angel. I think you’re my salvation.”

You highly doubt you hold this kind of power, but you don’t want to tell him. Have never been good at weaving beautiful lies for him to believe.

“We should stay here,” he continues. “Forever.”

And you wish you could. Wish reality didn’t exist, didn’t call for you to go back to your regular life like you’ve never been here with him. But you know tomorrow exists, and you’ll have to leave.

“We should have stayed in the field,” you choose to answer. “Under the shooting stars.”

“I wished for a lifetime with you, then,” he admits. “I wished I’d never have to let you go.”

You’d wished for a similar thing, but life is far too cruel to allow a world of first loves.

“Why did you…” you trail off. The question has haunted your sleepless nights for a long time after the break-up. Even years later, you’d still think about it sometimes, wondering if nostalgia would choke you up. “Why did you decide to join the gang?”

He tenses next to you. But you start tracing a mindless circle on his chest, through the shirt, and it distracts him enough for him to reply. “I thought I didn’t have a choice.”

“Did you?”

His voice holds the weight of the world when he says, “I did. And I made the wrong one.”

You want to cry, but you’re older now. You’re not the teenager who thought she was going to die from losing him anymore. You know what living without Choi San is like, and as much as it hurts, you know that it’s doable.

“You made the one you believed was right,” you say carefully. “But I do wish you had made a different one.”

He holds you a little tighter, as if that will make it so tomorrow never comes. “Me too.”

There’s an eternity of flickering candlelight on the ceiling, of the circles you trace on his chest and of your breathings forming a melody. Outside, the wind has died down, and the world is silent except from an occasional cricket braving the world after the storm.

“Where will you go, once you graduate?” he asks, taking you by surprise.

Because he knows. It’s one of the few things that hasn’t changed.

“As far away from here as I can.”

“I hope you find peace, wherever you go,” he whispers. “I hope you forget all about how we grew up in a hellhole.”

Do you feel bad for saying it? Maybe. But you can’t help saying it anyway. “I will, San.”

And like that rainy day years ago, you think you can see him walk away.

*****

Seven years later

The winter sun is strangely bright, up above. You’d think it will warm you up, but the cold is relentless, violent, and it sneaks into your coat as you walk out of the hospital. You’ve just finished a thirty-hour shift, and you can’t wait to be home.

To take a shower and forget that you’ve lost a patient today.

But you’ve saved another. A young man, with a stab wound in his ribs that should have killed him. But you saved him, stabilized his condition to the point you don’t have to worry about him anymore. Which is the only reason why you’re allowing yourself to leave now.

You’re never able to leave until you know your patients are okay. It’s been that way since your first patient, in a cabin in the woods you’ve done your best to forget.

You’d let San stay, after that weekend. He had given you the number of one of his friends, so you could get some clothes for him, and you’d gone back the next weekend. Bringing him the clothes, making love to him under the moonlight as if that would change the ending.

The following week, you had gone back to find the cabin empty. He’d left a note behind.

I hope I can find you again, wherever you go.

You kept the note. It’s in your bedside table, back at home, in the nice apartment you’ve been able to rent for yourself with all the money you’ve been making now. Enough to pay back student loans from med school, enough to reassure you that never again will you struggle.

You’ve never seen San again after. He hasn’t found you, and you haven’t searched for him. Have only looked up his name a couple of times, in the months following his disappearing, scared you’d find out that he was found dead in a ditch. But his name never came up, and you wondered if he had managed to escape, if he had managed to find a place where Bangtan couldn’t reach him.

You found peace, on your side of the country. Life is kinder here, though it still holds the same atrocities. You wonder if it’s the novelty of the city, or maybe if you’ve just grown old enough to be able to withstand the bad that the world throws your way. It’s hard to tell – you haven’t kept contact with anyone from back home, except Jae-on.

Jae-on, who’s moved with you when you’ve decided to come here, like he said he would. Jae-on, who asked you to marry him in late October, and you said yes. The ring sits heavy on your finger, and you mindlessly play with it.

In another world, you would already be married to Choi San. Sometimes, you catch glimpses of that world – a piercing gaze in the morning, a smile and a kiss to your temple. Talks about angels, children screaming in happiness. In another world, you’d be pregnant again, waiting patiently to add another piece of you and him to this world.

It’s fun to think about, sometimes, but you’ve been good at forgetting. Like you told him you would – most times, you’ve forgotten all about Choi San.

But today, you had a patient that reminded you of him. So you allow yourself to feel, you allow yourself to think about that note tucked in the bottom drawer of your bedside table, hidden under the thick socks you never use.

You allow yourself to think about the cabin in the woods, about the field where you would have gotten married had you been in that picturesque world you like to imagine. You think about laser quests and first kiss and rainy days and meteors. You think about summer, about wildflowers and him.

You’re so lost in thought you miss your stop home, and you begrudgingly get out at the next one. You’re tired, and your hands are shaking as you pull your phone out of your tote bag, wanting to text Jae-on that you’re going to be home late because you missed your stop. You walk to the other side of the tracks, sighing when you see a five-minutes wait for the next subway.

At least the sun is high in the sky, even though it is dreadfully cold. You shiver, putting your phone back in your tote bag so you can hide your hands in your sleeves again, hoping it’ll preserve them from the cold.

In your exhaustion, you forgot your gloves back at the hospital, you realize. It’s strange that you only realize now, and you reckon you really need to sleep, because your brain isn’t even working right anymore.

You sigh, glancing at the display showing the time. Still four minutes to wait. You think at this rhythm you might freeze in your spot before the next subway comes. You try to hide your face in the lapel of your coat, but a movement on the other platform attracts your gaze.

A man is helping an older woman climb down the stairs. She’s speaking loudly, which might be what attracted your gaze in the first place. You follow them as they walk down the stairs, and then when the man turns towards you, you meet his piercing gaze.

He smiles, and you realize that maybe, all those years ago, he was not spinning lies to you after all.

☆☆☆☆☆

Gosh yeahhh rereading it had me ralize that it is a lot sadder than I remembered it to be. At least we got an open ending ... :') What did we think? Should I write about other groups more often? Let me know what you think! All rights reserved to @/oddinary4bts, 2023. Do not copy, repost or translate

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The Bear & His Honey Chapter 7 -

Inspo: Lyrics - False God (TS) ; “We might just get away with it, religions in your lips, even if it’s a False God - We’d still worship.”  ***18+ ONLY FIC - NO MINORS ALLOWED*** Summary: Winnie readys her apartment to hang out with Carm for the first time. She pulls out all the stops, fresh sheets, a massage candle, wine. Things get hot and heavy in the bedroom, as well as the shower. Carmen experiences being taken care of for the very first time. Late-night pizza ensues.  W/C: 7,894 Posted Date: 02/18/2024 A/N: Hellooo! Ugh ok so I’m starting this on the weekend because I can NOT bring myself to write hard porn at work LMAO so that should tell you something about how this chapter is going to be. I wish soo bad that I could stick a USB in my brain and download the scenes I create in my head when i’m falling asleep bc they’re soooo juicyyyy ugh. I hope you all like this!! I don’t think at first with a partner Carm would be a confident dom because he hasn’t had much time for that kind of play- but with the right kind of partner she would reel the dominance out of him which I hope I displayed that here!!  Warnings for BTC: Drinking, Swearing, Smut (p in v, face sitting, oral (m&f giving&recieving), shower sex, cum play (kinda)), spanking, Fluff 

︵‿︵‿୨♡ 𝘾𝙝𝙚𝙘𝙠 𝙊𝙪𝙩 𝙈𝙮 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙃𝙚𝙧𝙚！ ♡୧‿︵‿︵

→ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐎𝐮𝐭 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐞!

₊ ˚ ✩ ｡˚ ˚☽₊ ˚ ✩ ｡˚ ˚☽₊ ˚ ✩ ｡˚ ˚☽₊ ˚ ✩ ｡˚ ˚☽₊ ˚ ✩ ｡˚ ˚☽₊ ˚ ✩ ｡˚ ˚☽₊ ˚ ✩ ｡˚ ˚☽₊ ˚ ✩ ｡˚ ˚☽

Winnie’s P.O.V. - 

I unlocked the door to my apartment quickly, knowing I wanted to do multiple things before Carm arrived. “Hey baby” I coo to Persephone who was waiting by the door. She meows at me repeatedly as if she's going ‘Mom! Where did you go?! Why do you keep leaving me!! What happened to reading after work?!’ Whilst I took my phone out of my purse and quickly sent Carm a text containing my floor and apartment number.

“I knowww, I know!” I told her as I unbuckled my heels and slipped them off, scooping them up and heading to my room. Persephone makes quick work of weaving in between my legs as I walk causing me to giggle. “What! You already ate Miss!” I told her and dumped my shoes off in my closet, taking off my simple studded pearl earrings and dumping them into my Hello Kitty jewelry dish sitting atop my dresser.

Sephy jumped up onto the bed, watching as I untied my hair bow and I walked over, waving it around in front of her, to which she rolled on her back attacking it with her feet causing me to giggle. “Missy! I have work to do! We have a guest coming in a few hours! It’s Carmen! Oh my god, I haven’t had a boy over in so long!” I giggled like a schoolgirl, so giddy this was happening. I dropped the ribbon on her belly for her to play with and went off to the kitchen, taking out a clear pink wine glass from my cabinet and setting it down on the counter before uncorking a bottle of red wine from the fridge and pouring myself a big glass.

I put the wine back in its spot, and took a big sip, going and setting it in the bathroom for myself before heading back into the bedroom where Persephone was still fighting with my ribbon atop my bed. “C’mon,” I grunt playfully as I pick her up causing her to meow in annoyance. “Let’s go fluff-a-butt, I need fresh sheets,” I told her and put her down gently on the couch before heading to the linen closet grabbing a fresh pair of lavender jersey sheets, and heading back to the bedroom. 

I made quick work of undressing my bed and redressing it. Before I put the duvet back on, I got my ‘Fairy Dust’ from lush that smelt like honeysuckle, and gently sprinkled it over the sheets. This way, when Carmen is in the sun after he leaves my bed- he will glow, and any girl with a mind will know that he has one already. It was not at all noticeable inside, only in direct sunlight or a flashlight was directly over it, so he wouldn’t ever know my territorial tricks. 

I also sprayed some honey lavender relaxing bed mist before putting on the duvet and making sure I got a few sprays on there as well. I rearranged my many throw pillows and a glorious thought hits my brain- that massage oil candle I haven’t used. I giggled to myself as I practically bounced over to my closet, rummaging through one of my many doom boxes before I found it. “Yes!” I whisper to myself and put all the other contents back away in the closet, shutting the door.

I lit the candle on my nightstand, knowing it would need an hour or so to burn until there was enough oil for a decent massage, and checked the time, perfect, still just over an hour until he was supposed to be here. I undressed quickly and went to my bathroom taking off my makeup and putting my hair up into a messy knot to shower. I down the rest of my wine before jumping into the steaming water, scrubbing down my body, and grabbing my razor. Most of the shower was spent shaving myself to maximum softness, and then exfoliating myself until I was essentially a new human when I got out. 

I dried off quickly, dumping my dirty clothes in my hamper as well as my towel before running into my bedroom and slipping on a pair of black cheeky panties with little kiss marks patterned because a full-out lingerie set would seem desperate - right? I open my dresser draw, pulled out a ribbed light grey baby tank that I knew made my boobs look amazing without a bra on, and chucked it on my bed and then found some loose-fitting Hello Kitty printed pajama bottoms that I threw on the bed as well. 

₊ ˚ ✩ ｡˚ ˚☽₊ ˚ ✩ ｡˚ ˚☽

I was on the couch, trying my best to read my book after my second glass of wine, when I heard a light knock at the door and Persephone sat up from her position next to me, confused as to who would be here at this hour. I feel my heart start to thump in my chest, sitting up and putting my book down I got up, shuffling over to the door in my pink bear paw slippers. I look through the peephole and see Carm leaned against the wall and smiled, unlocking and opening the door quickly. 

“Hey you!” I said and he smiled upon seeing me, his hair still slightly damp from his shower. “Hey” he said and stepped forward, I wrap my arms around him and give him a passionate kiss, gently playing with his damp girls between my fingers and pulling him inside, shutting the door with my foot and leaning against the door as he pressed me against it, tugging lightly at the hair. 

He pulls away and kisses from my chin down my neck, around my collar bones and biting gently causing me to giggle “Carmen!” I gasp a bit at the sensation as he settles his nose in the hill of my breasts and inhales deeply. “I’m sorry” he mumbles in to my skin and I smack his shoulder playfully. “What, are you a dog?” I asked jokingly and he chuckled “you just smell sooo fucking good I’ve been wanting to do that ‘m sorry” he kissed up my neck and gently bites down and I tugged my lip between my teeth, gently tugging at his hair to pull him away. 

“You’re gonna get the party started too fast c’mon mister, to the bedroom” I said and there’s a soft meow and he looks down as Persephone greets him, rubbing up against his leg and curling her tail around it. “Ohh” he whispered his eyes lighting up. He immediately crouches down to pet her and she rolls on her back for him displaying her big belly.  

“Oh wow” he said happily “she’s so sweet!” He said excitedly and pet her gently. I smiled “how’d I know you’d be a cat guy” I lean against the wall and watch as she leans up to bat at the string of his hoodie. He giggled a bit, dangling it in front of her and chuckling when she gets ahold of it nibbling gently. “C’mon stop tryna steal my friends Sephy” I joked and opened my bedroom door and he stood up, his eyebrows raising. 

“Wow…” he said and I splay my arms dramatically. “My humble abode!” I giggled “Hope you don’t mind music I always have it playing” I turned down my JBL speaker sitting on the nightstand. “Very…pink” he said and I giggle “mmhmm! I love it it’s my favorite color” he follows me in and Sephy jumps on to her hammock that was attached to my window. “D-do you have a kid?” He asked as his eyes raked over my shelf in the corner that was stuffed with different pink and other pastel Squishamellow toys.

I raise my eyebrow quizzically “no…do you have a kid?” I put my hand on my hip. “No! No. Absolutely not just…” he motioned with his hand and I laugh. “Oh my god you’re not one of those guys are you?” I asked and his cheeks go red. “Huh? N-no I- it’s cute I…I like it I’ve just never met..” he trails off. “Someone who..caters to their inner child?” I asked and walked over, petting Persephone. “The hell is that?” He asked, taking off his sneakers. 

“You’ve never heard of an inner child?” I asked scratching her chin. “No..” he said and I motion to my bed “you can sit” I said and he does so. “It’s your original self, before the world molded you. And damaged you. It helps me, to be in a room like this. Because I never got it when I was little, and it feels healing to give it to myself. I imagine the little girl that I was still lives in me, and she deserves the world, so I try giving it to her” I said and came and sat next to him. He nodded, “that’s…really cool..I’ve never uh- heard of it” he said and I smile a bit. 

“Want me to do your massage while we continue question for question?” I asked and he smiled softly. “Sure…uh so- so how should we..” he asked and I nod “so I think..well you told me you carry most of your stress in your back so I think I’ll start there and then you can better tell me what else hurts” I said and he nodded, sitting up a bit. “Are you..comfortable taking your shirt off?” I asked softly and his blush meets the bridge of his nose and he nods quickly “uh- y-yeah. Yeah.” He said and I got up “ok so.. just lay on your tummy and relax. Did you want some wine?” I asked he nods with a small smile. “Sure” 

I headed out to the kitchen, grabbing another pink wine glass and topping off mine as well and coming back to see him shirtless on the bed. I swallowed thickly, trying not to stare as I pad back “here you go” I said and handed him his glass, taking a big sip of my own. I’d already had 2 glasses, but I was still feeling a bit nervous. He took a sip and I looked at his chest, my eyes locked on the little triangle. “What’s it mean?” I asked and he looked down. “Oh, this?” He runs his finger over it. “Past, present and future.” He shrugs and I nodded. 

“You have any tattoos?” He asked and I nodded “oh, shit! Yeah I forgot you haven’t seen them” I pull down my pants slightly where they were covering the angel and devil babies adorning my hipbones and hike up my shirt to just below my breasts, showing the sun and moon motif with the clouds. He raised his eyebrows, “wow…those are fuckin sick” he muttered, running his finger along the devil baby. “What does it mean?” He asked and I fixed my clothes again, “the meeting of light and dark and good and evil” I shrugged and he nods. 

“Well…yours are deep. I just got this cause I’m a fuckin chef” he holds up his hand, with the knife on it. “This is because I’m constantly fuckin fighting with my family’s shit” he shows me the one of the angels and the grim reaper with the liquor bottle. “What’s…SOU?” I took his hand, gently running my hand over his knuckles. “Oh it’s..” he chuckled a bit. “Sense of urgency..” he looked at me and my brows crinkle. 

“In a kitchen, everything is done SOU, with a sense of urgency. It just uh…reminds me to keep movin’ ya know? Always pick up the pace” he said and I nodded. “Here, lay.” I said and blow out the candle. “It may be a little bit hot, this is a massage candle- it’ll feel super hot at first but it’ll feel good after a second.” I explained and he snorted lightly. “I’ve been burned with oil, fire, boiling water. That’ll be nothing.” He said and I shook my head. “Such a dangerous career you have” I teased and knelt on the bed next to him as he got comfortable on his stomach. 

“Uh… it’ll be easiest if I like..straddle you, is that okay?” I asked “ye’. Yeah. That’s fine” he cleared his throat and tucked his arms under his chin resting his cheek on his forearm. “Ok..I’m gonna pour it now” I said and gently drip the wax on his back, to which he doesn’t even flinch. “Hmm” he hums. “That’s hot to you?” He asked and I giggle. “Ya’ know, I think you may be a psycho, that- or a masochist” I said and gently rub the oil over his back to be sure I had an easy time working the muscles. 

“Well I think it’s the psycho thing but if you’re into masochism then I’m more than happy to oblige” he said and I giggled. “Such a people pleasure” I sighed, “okay… so where did we leave on our game?” I asked and he hummed “I dunno…your hands are really soft” he said softly, his eyes fluttering shut. I found a sizable knot at the base of his neck and started working it, he whimpers softly beneath me bringing a frisky smirk to my lips “its ok..it hurts but it’ll feel good in a second, Jesus Carm, how are you walking around with this?” I said, using the knuckle of my thumb to work it out and he groaned softly. 

“Oh my god Winnie” he said softly. “Fuck…” he said as I drag my thumb in circles, completely releasing the tension in that spot. “Told you I was good” I hum, moving to a slightly less tense knot on the other side. “So fucking good holy shit” he moaned softly causing me to giggle. “Ohh, you poor baby has no one been taking care of you?” I coo teasingly and he smiles, eyes still blissfully shut and chuckles a bit. “No, you can absolutely take the position- ah” he hisses as I work a particularly tight spot in his left shoulder. 

“Mmm.. you’re right handed aren’t you?” I hum, working it gentler, easing the tension out slower so it wasn’t so intense. “Yes? W-how do you know that?” He asked and I worked it deeper, being sure to get out all the stressed energy he held there. “Because your left side is wrecked with stress, baby” I mumbled, digging my fingers deeper into the tenseness. He whimpered softly. “Hmm…please honey” he moaned, causing the ends of my lips to upcurl in a smirk. 

“Course baby” I said softly, working that area a bit harder. “So…since we don’t remember who ended the last time,” I said quietly. “My question first, then, have you thought about fucking me, Carmen” I asked boldly, my fingers digging in to the tender, sensitive, most tense spot in his left shoulder causing him to whimper beautifully. “Y-yes…yes Winnie fuck…” he mumbled softly, his breath hitching in his throat. “Hmm…Have you jacked off thinking of me?” I asked softly, massaging my fingers in to the most tender spot of the muscle causing him to gasp and mutter a low “Jesus fucking Christ” 

“Y-yes. Yes.” He whined, his shoulder inching towards my touch. “Y-Yes.. yes, every time since we met.” He breathed and I worked on his shoulder blades, earning a raspy moan. “Anything to ask, baby?” I said softly, gripping the knots in his muscly skin with the soft pads of my fingers. “Fuck”  he groaned, biting his lip sharply. “Ah- shit I- I can’t focus” he muttered as my fingers smoothed out the toughest knots throughout his back. “Then..can I ask you another?” I asked softly.

“Mmhmm” he moaned softly, the music softly playing though out my my bedroom. 

I gripped his most sensitive spots, earning a raspy moan to spill from his lips. “roll over, baby” I muttered and got off his back, allowing him to roll as I told him.”You’re…so fuckin’ perfect honey” he breathed. I quickly straddled his chest, my hands running absentmindedly over the toned muscle that laid beneath my frame. 

“I just wanna make you feel good” I said softly and rubbed over his chest, massaging his biceps and forearms. “You really don’t have any questions?” I ask, a smirk dancing on my lips. His cheeks redden, the bridge of his nose going a soft pink. “C-can you take this off?” He asked, thumb playing with the edge of my tank top. I giggle, crossing my arms over and taking it off in one swift motion, and throwing it to the floor. 

“Better?” I asked and his pupils darkened, swallowing thickly. “Fuck…you do have them pierced” he said and I smile proudly “mmhmm. You would look hot with yours pierced” I traced my forefinger over his nipple. “Can I touch you?” He asked softly and I laughed a bit. “Yes silly, you don’t have to ask” I said and he wasted no time grabbing my breast and massaging over my piercing with his thumb. I moaned softly, leaning in and kissing him wantingly. 

He gently tugged on the jewelry causing me to moan into his mouth, tugging on his curls gently and rolling my hips into his. He groaned at the friction, his length was already achingly hard in his sweatpants. “Fuck, you make me feel like a fucking virgin” he muttered into my lips when we broke our heated kiss causing me to giggle. “Isn’t that a good thing?” I played with his chain gently “mmhmm, let me suck on your tits” he said and pulled me to his mouth causing me to laugh at his sudden boldness that quickly turned into a moan. 

“Fuck yes baby take what you want” I moaned out my head draping back at the sensation of his tongue flicking over my nipples and sucking lightly. “Oh-“ I gasped in pleasure as he nipped lightly. My core was dripping with need, I could feel my pajama pants becoming uncomfortably wet. “I need you Carmy” I moaned and he pulled away, looking up at me. 

“What do you want?” He asked and I push his shoulders down in to the bed “I want to ride your fucking face.” I said and his eyes widened “l-like-“ he swallowed thickly “please.” He nods “While I suck your cock.” I added and he nodded quickly “mmhmm- anything you want.” He said and I knelt on the bed, shimmying out of my panties and pajama pants “have you…” I questioned and he laughed. 

“Yes oh my god should I be offended? Yes I’ve eaten pussy” he said and I shook my head with a giggle “no- like. Have you ever had your face ridden” I blushed and he nods “a few times- why? have you…” he questioned. “No…never.” I said, my cheeks heating more. He grinned “alright c’mon,” he laid back. I swallowed thickly and made my way up to his face, straddling him with my feet pressed to the headboard. 

“Holy shit” he whispers and my head snaps down “what? Is something bad?” I asked and he chuckled lowly, his hot breath causing my core to twitch. “No…you have a really pretty pussy honey. C’mon, Sit” he pulled me down by my thighs onto his mouth and I gasped at the sensation lightly, resting my hands flat on his chest for support. I moaned loudly as his tongue circles my swollen clit, quickly flicking over it and slap a hand over my mouth to muffle the cry. “Oh fuck…Carmen” I moaned out, grinding in to his face. 

He moaned into me, the vibration causing me to shudder at the pleasure it brought. “You taste fuckin’ amazing baby” he said and I leaned forward, hands shaking from the overstimulation and I pulled his member out of his boxers. I bit my lip, stifling a moan as he thrusts his tongue in my entrance. I swallowed hard looking at it, I would not be able to fit this whole thing in my mouth, it would be halfway down my throat if I took it all. I quiet my moan by sinking my mouth down on his cock, humming softly at the salty taste of precum already soaking his tip. 

He moaned into me, causing my jaw to drop at the vibration and I sunk down deeper, hollowing my cheeks and whining into his length when his strong nose brushed my clit. I bobbed my head faster, grinding my hips into his mouth, feeling my core clenching and twitching, that feeling in my stomach growing tighter and more unbearable with each flick of his tongue. I pulled off his cock, my chin dripping with saliva from the sinful messy encounter. 

“Fuck- c-carm, I’m so close” I whined out and he hums in satisfaction, I pump his cock in my right hand, my thumb rubbing over the tip with each stroke causing him to groan in to me. “Cum baby, cum on my face” he mumbled into my skin, his voice sultry and deep. I bit my lip, “I want you to cum inside of me” I said softly, my voice dripping with need. “What?” He stopped and I whined “I- I want you to cum in my pussy” I look back at him and his eyes widen. 

“Are you…” he questioned and I nod “I have an implant. Please. Can I ride you Carmy” I beg and he nods “course…course you can” I got off him and quickly lined myself up, guiding his tip to my entrance and sinking down until he bottomed out. We moan in sync, his head falling back on the pillow, his eyes fluttering shut. “Oh fuckin’ hell” he muttered and I lean forward, his tip rubbing against my g-spot and I whine loudly. “Oh fuck” I moaned, bouncing slowly as I get used to the stretch. 

“Fuck Carmy you’re huge I literally feel you in my stomach” I moaned out, bouncing harder and faster as I got used to the enormously full sensation. “Y’re so fucking tight baby” he grunted, watching my tits bounce as I quickened my pace. My walls started fluttering around him, my release right around the corner and my head fell back, my thighs shaking in exhaustion. Before I knew it he was flipping us over, and pounding in and out of me, the entire bed shaking and slamming against the wall. 

I cry out, wrapping my legs around his waist and locking my ankles to push him deeper. My back arches up, eyes rolling back slightly in pleasure and head falling to the pillow “holy fuck” I whine loudly and opened my eyes to see his chain dangling and swinging in front of me with each powerful thrust. I gently take it between my teeth and look up at him through my eyelashes. 

“Fuck honey” he says and I feel his cock twitch inside of me, he angles himself more upwards and I gasp loudly his chain falling from my teeth “there- oh my fucking god Carm don’t you dare move” I cried, eyes screwing shut and he pushes harder in to that spot, it wasn’t long until my walls were fluttering around him wildly and my legs were shaking in release “oh Carmy” I moaned like a pornstar, my back arching in pleasure. He fucks me through my release, and spills in to me with a grunt, resting on his elbow and breathing hard.

My eyes open and I look at him, eyes fluttered shut, forehead damp with sweat, but looking genuinely relaxed for the first time since I’d met him. I pulled him on top of me, humming happily at the feeling of his weight as I pulled him into a deep wanting kiss. I play with his hair gently, his curls damp slightly with sweat. “You did amazing, baby” I said softly when I pulled away and kissed his forehead tenderly. 

“You were the one that was amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever fucked like that” he said softly, rolling over and laying down with an exhausted sigh. “Well I think we should fuck like that much more often” I said and snuggled into his chest, pulling a fluffy pink blanket over us. He chuckled a bit “absolutely. And a plus your bed is comfy as shit it smells so good in here” he said, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me closer. 

“I dunno why I didn’t picture you having tattoos” he said, thumb brushing over the devil on my hip causing me to smile. “Why’s that?” I ask and he chuckled “well firstly, getting a huge piece on your ribs and hips is insane for an only tattoo so pardon me for not guessing” he said causing me to giggle. “Why?” I asked and his eyebrows raise. 

“Why? Because it hurts like a bitch” he rubs his thumb over my sternum. “I got my nipples done first” I said and he hummed, “how long did it hurt” he asked, rubbing his finger over it immediately causing it to perk up making him smirk. 

“They’re super sensitive, that's one of the reasons I have them” I brush his hand down, holding it in my own. “And for like…7 or 8 months. I couldn’t start wearing bras again until like 3 months ago. I forgot how annoying they are.” I said and laced my fingers In his. He hums “I think you shouldn’t wear them, it’s hot as fuck I couldn’t stop staring when you answered the door” he said and I laugh. 

“Mmhmm think I didn’t notice?” I poke his nose playfully. “You have quite the tongue by the way” I said and leaned up to kiss him, rubbing my tongue against his bottom lip to which he opened and I slipped my tongue into his mouth, humming in satisfaction at the taste of me on his tongue. He lifts his hand back up, tugging my nipple between his fingers gently causing me to moan and he smiles against my lips. 

“Carm” I whine, “your cum is literally leaking out of me cause you’re making me wet again, stop” I said and he laughed. “C’mon let’s take a shower then yeah?” I him with a smile “yeah” I sit up, stretching my back. 

“Ugh. Smells like sex In here” I scrunch my nose and he snorts “wonder why that is” I get up from the bed and went into the bathroom turning the shower on hot and looking in the mirror. I gasped “Carmen! You are so trashy!” I said pointing to the hickey that was on my neck and he chuckles “Shit I’m sorry I didn’t even realize, guess I was too caught up in it” he comes over, rubbing his thumb over it gently before placing a kiss on the area. 

I cup his jaw gently and pull him into a sweet kiss, wrapping my arm around the back of his neck and pulling him closer. “ you’re lucky you’re cute” I told him when he pulled away and he smiled, his lips kiss swollen and pink. “Let me wash your hair” I said softly, playing with the curls at the base of his neck. “Okay” he said, rubbing the small of my back gently. I opened up the curtain 

“If I can wash yours” he countered and I giggled a bit as I got in “got yourself a deal, don’t leave me lonely in here” I said and dipped my head back, closing my eyes and getting my hair soaked. He gets in and hisses when the water hits him “Holy fuckin’ hell Winnie” he said “why is it so hot?” He asked and I hummed. “It feels sooo good, you don’t take your showers like this?” I asked and he touched the water pulling his hand back after a few short seconds “holy shit how are you hot red after you get out?” He asked and I laughed. 

“I am, it reminds me of being home with the other demons” I joked and turn it down a smidge for him “there, since you’re such a baby” I trade spots with him so he could wet his hair, having to angle she shower head up a bit for himself since I was much shorter. “No I think you’re just a hellraiser” he snorts. I grabbed the soap sudsing up my hands and gently rubbing over his chest and he peeks his eyes open. “Givin’ me the full treatment huh?” He asked and I smiled. 

“Can’t a girl feel you up?” I teased and rubbed my hands over the toned muscle of his abs and stomach. “You are so hot” I said , my fingers dancing over his v-line and I looked up at him. He looked gorgeous, the water trailing over his shoulders and off the bridge of his nose as he tilted his head to soak his hair fully. “You really know how to get a guy knowing you know that?” He spins me around so my back is against his chest and he kisses my jaw, gently nipping causing me to gasp. 

“Yeah?” I breathe, my fingers trailing up to play with his curls. His hand slides down my stomach, slipping his fingers between the folds of my heat and I gasp softly. He hums, gathering the product of our time in bed and my slick arousal over his fingers and holding them up, strings of the sticky creamy substance sticking to both of his fingers as he pulls them apart.

“That…is so fucking hot honey” he said and watches as I take his fingers in to my mouth, my tongue swirling around them, lapping up the sweet salty taste of our arousals mixed together and moaned softly at the taste, my eyes fluttering shut. He exhaled lowly, taking in the sight in front of him. “Such a dirty girl” he said hotly and I moaned softly around his fingers, pulling away with a ‘pop’ and looking at him innocently through my lashes. 

“Bend over” he orders and I giggle like a brat “oooo, Carmy are you gonna punish me for being a dirty whore for you” I teased and his jaw drops slightly “Don’t worry, you can punish me however you want I’ll say apple if I want you to stop” I said and bit my lip gently. “Are you gonna spank me, Carmy” I kiss his jaw and I felt a sharp stinging sensation on my right cheek accompanied by a loud slap. I gasp, a soft moan tumbling from my lips. 

“Is that all you-“ I’m cut off from my teasing when he slams his hand down on my left cheek, causing it to sting and I’m sure if I saw there would be a red handprint on my ass which just turned me on more. “I said, bend over.” He demanded and I turned around, bending over the bench I had to shave my legs and he rubbed over the stinging spot. “You’re gonna learn to listen to me” he said into my ear, his cold chain brushing my shoulder and making me shiver slightly. 

I swallow thickly and nod, “y-yes” I manage out, pushing my bum back against him. He spanks me again, harder this time causing me to yelp. “Yes what?” He asked. “Yes- Yes Sir! I’ll be good, please fuck me” I whine and he chuckled a bit, reaching between my legs and rubbing my throbbing clit with his middle and ring fingers causing my knees to quiver. 

“That’s a good girl” he whispered, placing a kiss between my shoulder blades and reaching up and gently tugging on my nipple jewelry causing me to moan. “P-please Carmy, please, I need your cock” I begged, resting on my elbows. “Yeah baby? You want me to fill you up again?” He asked, his tip teasing my entrance and I moaned, trying to sink back on him but only getting the tip in. 

“Please- fuck Carmen I need you to fill me with your cum please” i whined out and he pushed in to me, bottoming out with one long stroke causing me to cry out, my eyes squeezing shut and seeing stars at the otherworldly mix of pain and pleasure. “Since you asked, so good baby. Those are the manners I want from you when we play, hm?” He hummed, holding my hips and fucking himself in to me with long hard strokes that had my thighs quivering under the weight of my body, struggling to hold myself up. 

“Fuck Angel you take my cock so well” he groans out and I moan at his words, his strong hands holding me up by the ribs when he realized I was starting to have trouble standing. “Carm, fuck carm-“ I muttered his name like an invocation, my eyes fluttering shut and my orgasm washing over me before I could even warn him. He grunts at the feeling of my walls spasming around him, the only sound being the water and the slapping of our skin as he ravenously fucked me through my orgasm. 

My knees shook, the sensation becoming slightly overwhelming. “Fuck, I gotcha’ honey, I gotcha” he held me with his forearm, kissing my neck with hot open kisses “almost there baby almost there- fuck” he moaned and my breath becomes shaky, my core tightening around him and releasing at each rut in to my g spot. “Carmen” I squeak out, tears rimming my eyes, “do you need me to stop baby?” He goes slower and I shook my head quickly “no, no. God fucking cum in me please” I begged and he picks the speed back up. 

His hand slithers down and rubs over my clit with his fingers and I cry out, my hips jerking at the contact “c’mon sweet girl, cum again. Cum on my cock, I know you have another one for me baby” he kisses my jaw, nipping at the soft skin and I couldn’t even think, the only thoughts I could manage was how good his cock felt fucking me at such a hard pace, using me as his own personal stress relief. Before I knew it my third orgasm of the night was washing over me, I felt completely spent. 

I shudder, nearly going limp under him and he grunts, unleashing a hot enormous load into me, holding me up as he finishes. His breathing was ragged and hot, he gently pulled me to his chest, his cock falling out of me and the sudden feeling of emptiness caused a whine to escape my lips. He kissed my forehead and I opened my eyes to look at him, he was smiling lazily. 

“I really made you cum 3 times?” He asked and I nod a bit “I’ve never cum 3 times. I can barely stand, can you wash my hair first?” I asked softly and he nodded, gently setting me to sit on the bench that was built into my shower. “Are you ok?” He tilts my chin up so I look at him and I smile tiredly. 

“Mmhmm. I really want pizza.” I said softly. He chuckled a bit, “my kinda girl. You know how late it is, right?” He raised his eyebrows looking over the assortment of scrubs and soaps in my shower, looking for the shampoo. I pointed to it and he grabbed it, gently pushing my hair from my face. 

“We’ve been fucking 2 hours and you got here 20 minutes before that. So…2:30?” I asked and he snorted a bit, squeezing shampoo on the top of my head and gently massaging it into my scalp. “Strong sense of internal clock?” He asked and I hummed. “Not really, I’m judging based on how tired I feel” I sigh in to the feeling of his hands and he gently drags the shampoo over my ends. 

“You have…so much hair. Jesus this is a lot” he said putting more shampoo in his hands and I laugh a bit “hence why I was surprised you asked to do it, but thank you for taking this chore off my todo list” I hummed moaning softly when he massaged the soreness behind my ears where my hair had been up. 

“Mmhmm, it gets curly like yours when it’s really short, ‘s why I have to straighten my bangs” I yawned, covering my mouth with the back of my hand. He chucked a bit “that’s really cute, curly red hair” he said and finished shampooing. “Thank you I feel better” I look up at him and puckered my lips, he took the offer kissing me sweetly. 

I hummed into the kiss, cupping his jaw and my thumb running over the stubble that had grown over the course of the day. “Your turn” I said when he pulled away and got up, rinsing my hair out and closing my eyes, humming softly to myself. “Eva told me you sing” he said softly and I smiled. “Well, for fun. Not like I should be on Broadway, it’s not that hard to impress a little girl” I said, rinsing out my ends. 

“Well…Richie said that you’re really good, like you sound like a princess” he said and I felt my cheeks heat. “Ok…don’t ask me to sing for you” I said shyly and he chuckled. “Promise I won’t, but I’d love to hear you sing sometime” he said and I finished rinsing my hair. “Come around the bookstore sometime you’ll probably catch me” I said, squeezing some shampoo in to his hair and massaging it in. 

He sighs contently, his eyes fluttering shut in bliss. “You’re really good at that” he mumbled and I smiled. “Thanks…you have really nice hair” I said, gently scratching his scalp and he moaned softly. “Mmm..can’t remember the last time I had my hair washed” he said softly and I got down near his neck, massaging the tight curls gently. “I’m glad you’re letting me take care of you” I said softly, his forehead gently resting against my tattoo. 

“Mm..only you though” he said quietly, causing a smile to grace my features. I finished massaging in the shampoo and put some conditioner on my own hair, “close your eyes so I can…” I giggle and he scrunches his eyebrows. “Not only have your pussy and I met face to face, we did mouth to mouth. That pussy and I are well acquainted, and you can’t wash up in front of me?” He teased and I blushed. “You are such a perv, Berzatto” I turned around, washing away the remnants of the last few hours gently since I was still so sensitive. 

When I turned back around he was smiling bashfully, “whattt” I whined, crossing my arms. “You have freckles on your butt. I didn’t notice before” he said and I giggle “I have freckles like…everywhere” I held out my speckled arms and he takes one, kissing from my wrist to the crook of my elbow. 

“It’s adorable.” He said and I scoop some shampoo with my forefinger before it dripped in his eyes. “Wash your hair, mister the waters getting cold” I rinse my conditioner out before stepping out and drying off, leaving a second pink towel for him on the hook and I heard a familiar scratching at the door. 

“Sephy! A minute honey” I said and gasp. “Oh my god! Her bedtime snack!! Poor baby” I open the door in a hurry and I hear him chuckle from the bathroom as I put on my slippers and rush into the kitchen to pour her one of her soup treats. “So sorry Angel my poor baby” I coo, petting her as she eats and I headed back to the bedroom to see Carm out of the shower, his curls extra pronounced from the water and the towel draped around his waist. 

I bit my lip, looking at the water dripping down his chest over his abs, to his V line, feeling my aching core throbbing with excitement. I could not go another round tonight- I was already gonna be sore in the morning. “Hey- uhh do you know where I threw my backpack?” He asked, snapping me back to reality. 

“Backpack…backpack! Uh yeah. One sec” I went back out to the entryway, grabbing it from the hook and bringing it back for him. He unzips it, taking out a clean pair of boxers and I gasp. “Carmen Berzatto! You little whore” I teased and he chuckled “what? How do you mean?” He asked taking out deodorant and my jaw drops further. 

“Ohh my god!! You brought a hoe bag!! You are such a little slut” I shook my head with a teasing smirk. “What the hell is a hoe bag?” He asked and I went over to my dresser, dropping my towel and going through my underwear drawer. “Oh you know, just your spend the night bag for hoetivities.” I said and he chuckled. 

“Hoetivities? Like a hookup bag? Well..yeah I mean we were both planning on hooking up right?” He asked and I giggled. “Yeah but still you have it all put together? What an organized little slut” I teased and pulled out some cheeky panties slipping them on and when I turned around he was watching me in his boxers and I raised my eyebrows. 

“Glad I'm not the only one that’s shamelessly eye fucking. Help me strip the bed will ya' peepin' tom? I’m gonna order the pizza” I said and he smirked, shaking his head as he pulled the sheets off. “Yes ma’am of course” he said and I went over to my closet, pulling out a oversized vintage Levi’s tshirt and slipping it over my head, before grabbing my phone changing my playlist to my getting ready for bed one which contained most of my heavy metal selection and hum softly to the lyrics. 

“What the fuck” he mutters before laughing and I look at him, his laughter being contagious and I end up laughing as well. “What?” I giggled. “Fuckin…so let me just- you listen to Taylor swift, rap, and heavy metal?” He asks and I giggle shrugging “mmhmm…we’ll only girl rappers, and heavy metal bands that have girls but yup. I do!” I said and took the sheets and our dirty clothes, bringing them to my washroom. 

“You surprise me all the time” he said and sat down on the mattress. I come back after I’d start it and gasp pleased “holy rollerrr! I love this one!” I said dropping off the fresh sheets on the bed and he chuckled. “I don’t think I’ve ever…listened to this kinda music” he said and my eyebrows raise. 

“Are you kidding?! I didn’t expect you to be a metal head…but…what do you listen to?” I asked and he shrugged, “I..don’t” he chuckled and my eyebrows furrowed. “How do you mean?” I asked “I don’t have time for that really…” he said plainly and I scoffed. “So when you’re working out?” I asked and he shrugged again “quiet. It’s nice to just not think” he said and I started putting my pillows in the pillow cases. 

“Maybe you are a psycho” I said, causing him to chuckle. “You say that like a revelation, I told you that” he joked and I shook my head with a smile. “Chris got me into metal” I said and he nodded, getting up to help me stretch the fitted sheet over the bed. “Why’d he like it?” He asked and I tucked a corner under the mattress. 

“He was deaf…the uh bass…he liked it” I clear my throat and he hums. “Oh…did you know sign and everything?” He asked “oh..yeah of course that was…my whole first 22 years” I swallowed thickly, tucking the other corner on my side in. “That’s really cool..” he said and I nod. “I would um…when we went to concerts, I would interpret for him and he always was…so happy he loved concerts. I miss going with him, so so much” I sighed, throwing my comforter over the bed and he smiled a bit. 

“That’s really sweet of you, Winnie” he said and I smiled. “Thank you” I said softly, sitting down on the now made bed. He sits down next to me, “Y’know Mikey..we used t’call ‘em Monkey, he uh…we cooked together. That was always our common ground, and it’s where we really clicked the best. So I get that… Y’know- missing em” he said and I pulled him into a hug, my lips resting on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around me, soothingly rubbing my back. 

“Thank you” I said softly into his skin. “F’what honey?” He asked, gently playing with the wet ends of my hair gently. “Not running off after we were done and talking with me” I said quietly and he sighed softly, pulling me into his lap to hold me fully and he kissed my cheek sweetly. “Why would I leave you, Win?” He asked softly and pushed my hair over my shoulders before kissing my jaw tenderly. 

“Cause you got what you wanted” my eyes fluttered shut and he stopped. “Is that how I made you feel?” He asked, a trace of betrayal in his voice. “No, no Carm” I looked up at him, “guys usually…just dip” I sigh softly. “So I’m glad…thank you for being open enough to stay” I said and he nodded a bit, leaning in and kissing me once more. 

“You still want that pizza?” 

→ 𝑅𝑒𝒶𝒹 𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝐸𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉 𝐻𝑒𝓇𝑒

[sunset-bobby]

my irl 9-1-1 friends refuse to listen to my rants so i’m back bc im in a hater mood and the infantilization of evan buck buckley has done me in

take everything i say with a grain of salt

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i often think about how a lot of the 9-1-1 characters are walking red flags

and the infantilization of certain characters (*cough* buck *cough* eddie) only highlights those red flags even more

and maybe it’s cause i’m still in my post-break up i hate everything abt love era

but sometimes (this sounds awful typing it out lmao) i read fics and i like to see how long it takes for me to get the ick from one the characters and its funny asf

and like on screen very minimal icks bc they want u to like the characters and you know they’ve all grown since the beginning

but like season 1 of the show i honestly think is really good I mean it had to be for you ppl to keep watching but the reason I think ppl feel a disconnect is because season 1 is lowkey all of the characters at their worst…red flags on full display

but it’s for character growth and they get better (minus abby fuck that bitch) but season 1 really just puts down like the foundation of they can only go up from here (unfortunately it’s not straight up but everyone heals and grows at their own pace)

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thank u for coming to my ted talk this rant was brought to u by textposts and a person’s need for constant reassurance has been the downfall of the only two relationships i’ve had in my life (one being in the 8th grade and purposeful bc I didn’t know how to end a relationship and so instead, I just gave him the ick by being super clingy and questioning whether or not he actually liked me for like the last few days of our “relationship” until he was like I can’t do this anymore…he was also a red flag but he’s doing fine now…nice kid)

[wordy-little-witch]

Hiiii thanks for answering my moment-of-weakness-at-2am-ish ask lmao

Sooo u said that u have lots of thoughts abt accidental rizz buggy,, and in p sure that the marines wer the tip of the iceberg... can we pls have more of ur ideas abt it?🥣😳🙏 im brainrotting but its vague scenarios that i cannot put into words aaaa writing is hard

Do u have ideas abt him rizzing the pirate populace? Or him doing circus tricks that are also hot,, like teaching some of his crew some acts while in a hot practice outfit,, like im talking about those tight but stretchy turtle necks and long gloves that almost reaches the shoulders also paired with loose pants but his ass still looks good in it, with them bare leg socks(the ones that show his toes n heel) and him taking his lectures seriously and oblivious to his crew just looking (dis)respectfully and having brain empty,, kinda like nightwing teaching gymnastics to women (i wish dat wer me)

Then croco and mihawk are also lowkey attending the lessons w an excuse

Or maybe abt his followers from the crew making buggy merch like pictures but they took some pics of buggy candid, pics that show more of his calmer side cuz I KNOW he pretty, he just emotes like a muppet lol,, which is then mass produced by his followers and them fanboying/girling over it, which then slowly spreads throughout the grandline n the 4 blues cuz ppl be curious abt who dat pretty blue haired pirate is then be shocked learning that its buggy the loud n flashy guy that could have a calm and soft side,,

and ppl demand more so his followers keep taking pictures of him, while buggy is oblivious to the fact that the pics are being distributed/selling,, then someone took notice of stonks rising that someone being crocodile and is somewhat surprised yet not surprised abt the public wanting more pics and then capitalized on this,, then croco is now making buggy have photoshoots but it gets thirst trappy, and now croco n the others in the set are also thirstier than the alabasta desert lollll, buggy still remains oblivious thinking that doing this for morale lolol

so now buggy has amassed a huge following by accident and the public gets even more thirstier because of the thirst trap photos,, and shanks be on his knees and jelly that so many ppl are thirsting after his buggy, and then ransacked a ship carrying the buggy pics n merch and had added it to his buggy room, which is a room full of buggy merch n pics lmao,, the red force r exasperated at first but then took a look at the pictures and they kinda understand their captain now lolll

And buggy still remains oblivious,, maybe until he decides to sail to an island and instead of ppl being kind of wary yet accepting due to his charisma,, he'll be bombarded with ppl carrying his (maybe thirsty) photos/posters asking for gis autograph,, and he be so shocked n confused but hes still a performer at heart so he fakes smiles thanks the crowd of ppl and signs the posters,,, Then suddenly he goes back to crossguild n asks them about it and is pissed at the fact that he couldve made more money in his knowledge lololol

dats all i have for now thank u for reading dis long ass ask :D

YES omfg just all the yes

Some general headcanons here on my end, but Buggy is STRONG okay, both bc of his circus skills, knife fighting and devil fruit. He just isn't Full Six Pack Washboard Abs. He's got a little curve. A layer of cuddly softness. HEALTHY muscle.

So he absolutely has a multi-faceted fan club of pirates, civilians, marines, alike. Some love the soft prettiness. Some like the fierce candid shots. Some are absolutely FERAL over casual competence.

Buggy regularly has cross training classes, I bet. He's a bit of a jack of all trades, and so he's got some skill in all sorts of topics that are useful. Piracy and circus performing are a lot more alike than a lot of people think, after all. He arranges classes and stuff to make sure everyone has some sort of transferable skill.

It's not HIS fault that he has his hair up for practicality, a sleeveless leotard and high waited capris. He's dressed for class, that's all.

If he does catch anyone staring, he bristles, taking it the wrong way.

Later on down the line, all of the sudden realizations that people are making MONEY, off of pictures from HIM hit him like a sack of bricks, and he rushes to his sassy besties, just "Gal, Vida. Am I pretty??? Like seriously, AM i????"

A: "No." / G: "Yes."

B: "................... a h."

The candid shots become photoshoots, become thirst traps, become eventual pin ups after Mihawk and Crocodile get Inspired. Buggy has the range to play the masc and femme with ease, and he's surprisingly photogenic.

Bonus: an entire line of Buggy Body Pillows with extra padding in the butt. ((Shanks owns several))

[ranposgirlboss]

rubs my hands all maniacally😍

a little birdie told me that your requests are open!

i was thinking abt the bsd boys reacting to a s/o that eats the weirdest food combinations LMAO

i eat cheese puffs and hot sauce aND WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I ATE APPLES WITH KETCHUP BAHAH

anyways that’s all 🙏

BAJUAHJSGVHSABJGASHJBSAGHVSBJGASBHJ BRO IF U LIKE THAT EAT APPLES AND SOYSAUCE ITS SO BANGER!!! THE SWEET AND SALTY SAVOURY FEEL >>>> also popcorn and ketchup is so real

ALSO PROPS TO MY BESTIE FOR HELPING ME WITH SOME OF THESE IDEAS!! (mainly poes) THANK HER IN YOUR HEARTS BC SHE DOESNT HAVE AN ACC ON HERE!!!

i HAD SO MUCH FUN WRITING THESE OMG

chara list: tecchou, jouno, ranpo, poe and dazai,

GENRE: FLUFF >:))

i made them all little skrunklies in this >:))

-------------------------

TECCHOU

-IM SORRY IF I SPELLED THAT HORRIBLY WRONG I ALWAYS CALL HIM KATCHOW (-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩___-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩)

-omg yall would be married instantly

-he has the papers signed

-FINALLY SOMEONE WHO WILL TRY SOME OF HIS COMBINATIONS!!!

-feels so understood

-if you ask him to try ur combos, HE WILL ALWAYS ACCEPT. A FELLOW WEIRD FOOD LOVER IN ARMS IS IN NEED OF HIS ASSISTANCE, AND HE CANNOT REFUSE.

-WOULD TAKE YOU OUT ON DATES AND GET EXTREMELY CONCERNED LOOKS FROM WAITERS.

-has had to protect you from jounos plots of world domination against weird food lovers and plots to murder you

-yall have a list of ur favorite food.

-so sexy

JOUNO

-(he looks so cute as a skrunkle anyways)

-haha

-run.

-dont even try to sneak it with him. he may be blind, but his other senses are at their prime and HE IS READY TO THROW HANDS

-"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, ONE TECCHOU WAS HARD ENOUGH I DONT NEED TWO GOD DAMN."

-might actually throw hands with you, like HELL JUST SMACK THE FOOD OUT OF YOUR HAND AND BE LIKE "n o ."

-so silly in theory but when he actually does slap it away it makes you want to beat him up so bad

-YOURE ASS BEST BE GLAD HE LOVES YOU OR HE WOULDVE TRIED TO KILL YOU AT LEAST 5 TIMES

-ugh i love the sassy skrunkle (ignore the fact he can kill you instantly)

RANPO

-WITH HIM, it all depends.

-it depends on how it tastes.

-because if it tastes actually good, HE WILL BE SO HAPPY

-"i knew you had good taste Y/N (人*´∀｀)｡*ﾟ+"

-if it tastes bad to him tho...

-HE WOULD BE SO BETRAYED

-would look like you just insulted his entire bloodline real

-"Y/N, how DARE YOU MAKE ME, THE GREATEST DETECTIVE, TRY THIS."

-it would take a long amount of sorries and sweets to get him to forgive you.

POE

-ok ok so listen

-would probably see you eating the weird ass shit, blink a few times to make sure he wasn't hallucinating, then go back to reading

-if you asked him to try it, he would be like "oh sorry i just ate a 5 course meal Y/N" (he's a terrible liar)

-but with him, you could probably convince him to try it 😈

-theres a very high chance he hates it, i know we don't know what their eating habits are like, but poe gives off picky vibes...

-would probably be like "w-wow Y/N thats uhm...that's really good for you Y/N................"

-would never try it again </3

DAZAI

-NGL HE WOULD HAVE WEIRD TASTE BUDS TOO

-I MEAN BRO LITERALLY ATE DOG FOOD AS IF IT WAS A CASUAL TUESDAY

-i feel like he would at least try them, and if he didn't like them, he would CHUCK THOSE BITCHES

-more as a joke then an actual insult, UNLIKE SOMEONE (jouno)

-swears hell pay for them after (he never does)

-one day you threaten to throw him across the room like your damn food he keeps throwing

-he threw extra food that day

-would beg convince you to try dog treats (fun author fact: i used to eat dog food when i was a kid. it sucked ass but i was hungry)

-YALL WOULD DO THOSE CHALLENGES WHERE YOU PUT RANDOM FOOD IN A BLENDER AND SEE HOW IT WOULD TEST.

-honestly just another way to bond with you

----------------------------------------

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THANKS FOR READING THIS SILLY THING I WROTE AND THANKS FOR REQUESTING ♡(ӦｖӦ｡). I ALWAYS CAN ACCEPT MORE REQS!!!! TYSM!!!!

i forgot to add tags the first TIME I POSTED BAHAJVGBHASGVGASUHJASVGHJABSJ

[thatdeadaquarius]

hi! quick tip: if you’re on mobile type ‘:readmore:’ then hit enter! i dunno if you’ve been told but. yeah :)

also, your recent piece on apd was incredible!! very nice to see representation!! keep up the excellent work <3 it did get me thinking though: reader with vocal stims, cementing it in the acolytes’ minds that you don’t speak the language of teyvat, and then you’re all just stuck in this loop of “oh man they don’t speak the same language of me” but they DO

if asks are closed or this is outside of your comfort zone then feel free to delete! have a lovely day <3

AHFJLAKLOSUDBABWB U FELT REPRESENTED YAY!!

A cookie for thee, and also extra for telling me how to do Expand thingy on mobile ilysm 🤲🍩🍪✨️ (pspspsps all askers,, u get cookies,,cometothedarksidepspspspspsss)

I was so worried bc it wasnt like super all the aspects of Apd issues, and it was very based on my personal experience w/ similar symptoms + other bits of ppl's experience so i was hoping it still felt somewhat recognizable for ppl w/APD!! Tysm for the feedback :D

NOTE ABOUT VOCAL STIM DEPICTED:

So i think ive experienced verbal stims, so this is a combination of others shared experiences + personal experience, and while everybody experiences things individually/their own way, please let me know if there is something obviously inaccurate/maybe even offensive.

You will definitely not make me mad or otherwise offended, I really want to hear that kind of feedback from others who vocal stim!

Thank you so much for reading! :)

___________________♡_____________________

So lets just say that ur vocal stims r pretty non-verbal or non-sensical ("her sister was a WITCH BRO-" like memes that dont make sense to them)

Or like, u have verbal stims that r actual language but they dont hang around long enough to hear it maybe ??

♤

So like, this ends up happening

Chongyun was exploring near Qingce village for supernatural stuff as usual

And U were just vibin, chillin near Qingce village livin ur best Creator god cottagecore life

And ur like planting a new seedbed, Jueyun Chilis :) (bc jfc however bad it was to collect them in game, its 10x worse in person, ur tired of running around town getting chilis, Qingce isnt exactly flat 💀)

♡

And every seed u put in the dirt ur like "boop!"

And Chongyun comes by, bc u at edge of town, and the villagers mentioned a strange new traveler settling here

He immediately feels a wave of that same feeling he used to feel when the Creator god had their eyes on him, or would assist him in battles

So poor boy almost overheats trying to climb up the hill to ur house

And is like "??...Creator??"

Then kinda stops bc ur just like-

"Boop!" "Boop!" "Boop!" ☺️ LMAO

And then u finish planting seeds, get the watering can,,

And everytime u pour it just-

... "EJACK! Come, water!"

(Ur saying it so fast too, and he's still somewhat farther away, so he cant rlly hear that well too)

...

..

And its just so incomprehensible to Chongyun he's deadass like "A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE??!"

So of course,

He waves, 👋

And ur like omg icy boy!! :D 🧊💙

But u dont say anything yet, and then he starts,, miming?? He points at u? Then like?? Points up? The sky?? Then like, mimes swinging his claymore???

(ARE U THE CREATOR??!!)

U look up, very confused 🧐

He seemes frustrated.

Then he just kinda, bows and leaves?

...

...oh no.

Do Teyvat people speak that crazy language that u saw in game?

Instead of English??

Well.

Shit.

...

.... U havent rlly talked to anyone in Qingce yet since u just got here in Teyvat like a week ago

And found this abandoned house

♧

It just gets worse 😭

Bc slowly, one by one,

Each playable character in Liyue comes to attempt to talk to you

(And since u have a farm, and they keep giving u food/goods? For some reason?? U still dont need to go into town)

☆

At one point, even Zhongli shows up

And thru complex miming and hand motions u think he means dont worry abt him? Like just go back to what u were doing?? Okay??

U guess he's just gonna chill here for now?

...

...Zhongli just kinda,, squints, and puts his hand on his chin in his classic "thinking very hard" face

So ur tending to the garden saying,

" FREDDY! You're supposed to be on lockdown!Vanessa...I'm... a Material Gworl✨️"💀

...Just, on an endless loop LMAO-

...

(Hes trying to see if he recognizes any part of ur language, poor old man 🤔🤔😭)

♤

And it just snowballs even more, and now,

None of you have even tried to say a word to each other. 🤡

(Other than ur vocal stims)

...

Keqing: "Perhaps, it's similar to Fontaine's native language?"

You, in the background: "🎵 dUdE,,, sHe'S jUsT nOt InTo YoU 🎵" (mimicking the autotune and everything)

Ganyu & Keqing: "..."

You: " 🎵 gOtTa MoVe On, mOvE oN-🎵 Hurricane Katrina?? More like Hurricane Tortilla!"

Ganyu & Keqing: "...Can't be,"

"what else do we got? Should we call Yunjin to better mime for us??"

♡

Xiao's the first one to even get close to knowing u can actually talk to each other, bc he's always checking in on u most often <3

And he only heard u bc u swore u heard a monster outside ur house one night and came out ur house with a pitchfork, very nervous,

"...Hey there demons.. it's me.. ya boy."

(And u just keep stimming that out of nervousness to make urself feel better as u check around ur house lol)

Xiao: "??? Demons???!! WAIT-"

♧

By then, it literally took like 6 months for yall to finally have a real conversation 💀💀

...

(Chongyun got so embarassed bc he was one of the first few to misunderstand he overheated rip🙏)

Im. So. Sorry. This. Is. ✨️Ass✨️

Twas the best scenario i could come up with, im telling yall, im not as funny as the ppl who send in these asks 😔

Keep in mind, I never claimed i was funny or a good writer, u cant hold it against me lol /lh

Lower ur expectations LMAO

Well i hope u got sm enjoyment outta this anon, sorry abt the quality!! :)

Cheers,

🌒🌊🌧Aquarius♒️🌌🌘

[the-type-a]

omg imagine an au with duncney as actors playing love interests in a movie… (i apologize in advance bc this is pretty long)

and the movie doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic movie it could be any genre and they don’t both have to be the main actors they could just be side characters with important roles, with other td characters acting in the movie, BUT i was thinking that it could be a romance movie with them as the main characters and it would be like;

- courtney is a well known actress who is very passionate about acting. she auditions for this romance movie and gets casted, obviously

- duncan is a less well known actor compared to courtney. his agents convince him to audition for this movie because it could gain him more popularity

- duncan gets the role of the main lead. however, he is NOT enthusiastic about it at all because he hates chick flicks.

- because of this, courtney is under the impression that he doesn’t take acting seriously, that he’s an industry plant or whatever, and that she had to work her ass off to get to where she is today meanwhile this completely unserious guy just gets roles handed to him on a silver platter

- she calls him out on his lack of enthusiasm which causes them to start having beef, non stop bickering on set blah blah blah you can imagine the rest

- he would tease her after kiss scenes, he would say stuff like “you were totally into that kiss” and she would tell him to shut up

- i dont have the creativity to imagine what would cause for this to happen but courtney opens up about her parents super high expectations of her ever since she was a kid (maybe she could have been a child actress, or a theatre kid) and hes like yeah my dads an asshole too. after this they put the beef aside and become amicable

- courtney catches feelings for duncan because she feels like hes the only person that appreciates her for her and not because of her fame and achievements. and duncan falls for courtney because well, shes courtney duh

- one day duncan keeps making mistakes which pisses the director off but courtney defends him and its at that moment that duncan realizes that he loves her

- after they both realize their feelings, they have to film a scene where they make out and they’re both super into it and completely forgetting that it’s just for a movie. and then the camera guy says cut and praises the both of them and says something like “that was some great acting it really felt like you two were in love” and after that it’s SUPER awkward between the both of them

So now i dont really have any other ideas left but I would LOVE to hear your take on this!

Oh, I absolutely LOVE this 🤭

Ngl I got a little Notebook vibes from it because Ryan and Rachel hated each other while filming but then ended up dating sooo yes I can definitely see this happening with Duncney.

I love the idea of them coming to terms with their feelings and just being able to express it without actually having to confront the other about it (in this setting). It just makes it so funny and so entertaining because just imagine their inner dialogues having to do that make out scene 😮‍💨

Don’t even get me started on their thoughts when they aren’t really on good terms. They would absolutely hate admitting the other is a good kisser lmao

If you have more ideas for this please lmk because I’m hooked and there only HCS, I would 100% read this if you decided to make it a fic!

[delcakoo]

i’m sure most ppl expected this so i’m not gonna make a big deal out of it but!! yes i am going on hiatus for an unspecified amount of time.

it’s honestly quite simple, i’ve just been losing interest in most aspects of kpop aside from the music, which makes writing for it a lot harder than before. i also dealt with a lot of burn out for months and still forced myself to write which only made it worse. lastly, i’m an executive of two clubs at my school this year on top of all my classes, so finding time to write would be even worse than it was before :’) !

YEAh that’s kinda it! for now my works will stay up, moots can dm me for my disc/spotify!! even if we’ve barely spoken pspsps i wanna stalk ur music cmere 🤲 a special shout out to my emoji anons too, you’re all amazing people ilysm, especially those that have been stuck with me for so long <3 (u know who u are!!)

i’ll try and check in here every so often to chat, esp if a new comeback for enha/txt happens!! love u guys and stay safe <3 you may send an ask if u have any questions!

extra stuff i wanna say to moots below! (it’s all word vomits i’m sorry)

RAVEN. MY WIFEY. my BELOVED blr wont let me tag u but you already know i adore u sm playing roblox with u is so fun even if that one banana game was kinda ass!! 💖 thank u for being so so sweet when putting up with me all the time and raising our fav corgi daughter with sm love <3 i hope u get more confidence in ur writing because your fics are always so creative and well written, and in yourself too bc a certain mf thats name starts with J and ends with N is MISSING OUT. 🙄🙄 ok im still gna be annoying u all the time so. bye ig….. smooches

@seongclb katto u deserve an award for putting up with me in dms ilysm 😞 watching the promised neverland together brought me so much joy and i still have a ss of you calling gilda a tractor ok i love u!!!! i would read your fics all day any day u are so talented and ur photography skills are amazing, i hope we get to keep in touch WE SHOULD FIND ANOTHER SHOW TO WATCH TGTHER !!!!! i need to fix your lack of anime knowledge ‼️ PLS KEEP WRITING AS WELL ENHABLR NEEDS U!!!!

@soov reirei my gf i aspire to be as confident and funny as you, you’re literal sunshine and always make my day better even with just one interaction <3 thank u for being so welcoming my first days in walmart enha and raising sushiwon with me!! as well as entertaining me by dying in genshin every 3 seconds <3 (WE NEED TO PLAY AGAIN) oh and KEEP WRITING BB. i will rise from THE DEAD WHEN IT COMES OUT OK U CAN DO THIS ML!!

@haknom kangaroo karaoke keys we may have had only a few convos but they were all so fun like PLAYING BRAWL STARS WAS HILARIOUS we ate the house down in duo showdown idc. and beta reading ur fics was such a treat esp while watching u plan new smaus every other day 🫶 also your music taste is MUWAH gimme some more recs pspsps !!! KEEP WRITING OKKK?!

@kynrki kimmy kimmy kim one of my first ever moots <3 your writing is always such a joy to read and your energy is amazing, thank you for giving me a chance when i was too shy to ask anyone else to be moots LMAO 🫶 plsplss keep writing you’re so gifted and deserve the whole world LOVEE UU

@bitehee cavvy my big sibling :((( i love u sm kshsdknd its been a while but i really hope everything has been well since you moved and you’re still being as cool as ever <3 im gonna replay a pokemon game in ur honor perhaps mystery dungeon 👁️ ? anyway i look up to u and think u are so cool, one of my fav hee stans ever ever!!! remember u have my disc if u ever wanna chat 🫂 !!!

@sunoksunny sunny <3 my other gf. i remember our first vc u had this goofy pfp i cant remember what it was but like u are so easy to talk to and funny?! and PRETTY??? your fits are always stunning and your singing is beautiful ugh the whole package fr… and. we need. to play. genshin!!! I REDOWNLOADED IT FOR U OK WE WILL DISCUSS THIS SOON!! ILY

@slytherinshua ZANNY. u are so easy to talk to we match each others energy so perfectly?!? I HOPE U AND TUALHA CONTINUE BEING THE COOLEST EVER and ur writing is top tier so pls keep going‼️ thank u for being so sweet to me as another one of my very first moots i appreciate u sm <3333

@flwrshee riri !!! we haven’t even been moots for long but i had to add u in here because u need to know that ILYSM. you’re like an adorable energetic little sister that always makes me smile T-T thank you for taking time out of your day to reblog my fics with so much sweet feedback and i wish u the absolute best always!! if u ever need anything pls dm me on disc i would love to chat with u more, and make sure to keep writing bc u have SO much talent!!!!

@wonieleles sia SIA i genuinely miss talking to u sm i NEED to come back to walmart enha :(( we don’t talk much besides our little interactions in the server but each time you make me smile. you’re so so smart and admirable, i hope you keep up the hard work bc i know you’ll go so far and HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE!! you’re so beautiful okay ily 😞🫶

@sultrybaby kel 😭😭😭💖💖 you’ve literally been a day one THANK YOU for always checking in on me even during your ridiculous NONSTOP EXAMS. 💀 another one of my big siblings on here fr you are such a real one and i care for u sm!!! i hope everything has been well for u?! pls feel free to message me for anything okay <3 I LOVE U SM thank u for sticking with me all this time 🫂🫂

i have so many moots so i can’t write smthn for everyone but i love u all okay <3 AGAIN if u wanna keep in touch thru spotify or discord dm me muwah

[ladysophiebeckett]

You made me want to rewatch ysblf and it made me realize that Armando is lowkey actually kind of insane? He goes from barely noticing Betty to getting real intense about her. He blurred the professional and personal lines way before the plan. Like why was he so upset to find out she had a boyfriend? He really expected her to confide in him with such a private matter. He was just his boss even if he treated in a special way like he states, but then again, why do that in the first place? I think you mentioned that there was no way this is how he treated his prev secretary which is honestly very interesting and speaks volumes about when his feelings for her started to deepen without even realizing it. Of course we know It wasn’t true that she was dating Nicolas, but even if she had had a bf for real, she still wouldn’t have told him. She was really reserved and constantly tried to keep her personal life private before their affair. And also they way he reacted after Charlie Zaa kissed her on the cheek and she got all excited? And to react like that with Marcela in close proximity?

It almost makes me wish her supposed bf had been someone other than Nicolas bc since he was aware of everything and involved with Terramoda it was easy for Mario to become paranoid of his true intentions with Betty and pass this on to Armando, but with someone else in the picture that was not involved on their business in any way? His whole jealousy would have been very hard to disguise. Or would Mario still find a way to get paranoid and suspicious? Was she really not allowed to have a love life while Ecomoda was hers? This part is crazy to me. Love and business was mixed so well in the series. There’s this whole ambiguity regarding Armando’s feelings and about the reason of his reactions that adds so much to the story and makes him a very complex character. I had watched lfmb before and Lety’s revenge wasn’t enjoyable to me because the filler they added before she read the letter made it very obvious that Fernando was in love with her and already wanted to cancel his wedding to be with her instead, he flat out admits this out loud whereas Armando tried to deny his feelings for so long, put on a façade in front of Mario even when it was no longer believable that even he had to call him out on it, all of this made this whole arc very satisfying to watch as a viewer. End of this whole discourse lol sorry it took me so long and it’s all over the place but your comments are spot on always so I wanted to share my unsolicited thoughts with you. Thank you ☺️

You made me want to rewatch ysblf and it made me realize that Armando is lowkey actually kind of insane?

I know i say he's insane here (lmao) but I gotta defend him and say you know, perhaps he is just intense? (it's both). I've said before he's very emotional (and not very rational) and he has an ego (and he's insecure). You combine those these traits (plus a child of nepotism who has never been denied anything) and you get Armando.

He goes from barely noticing Betty to getting real intense about her. He blurred the professional and personal lines way before the plan. Like why was he so upset to find out she had a boyfriend? He really expected her to confide in him with such a private matter.

Betty impressed him from the interview when she said, 'I know I can learn a lot from you'. Fed his ego a little bit but also Betty's honesty brings out a tender look in Armando's eyes. Softens him. Also, despite what everyone says, he really did want a secretary that could do actual work. Aside from not wanting to hire Patricia bc he didn't want Marcela spying on him.

Armando, despite having everything one could dream of having in life, has never had someone in his corner without asking for anything in return. Let's backtrack real quick---His dad voted for Daniel to be president, despite the fact that its said that Daniel has never worked at Ecomoda. Armando got the extra vote he needed from Marcela, whom he discussed marriage with days before the vote. So all he knows is transactional relationships and how any kind of support is conditional. His animosity towards Daniel stems from competition that Roberto instilled. Armando has no idea what loyalty looks like or what it means to be unconditional to someone. Until he meets Betty.

If Armando is insane about Betty in one way, then so is Betty in her loyalty to him. She held onto his agenda like she was asked even tho it got her fired, she turned down a top dollar bribe even tho it could have helped her family (and felt terrible for contemplating it when she confessed it to him), she helped him cover his affairs with other models, she helped him commit financial fraud, she helped him set up a company so the banks wouldn't jump him. Who does that? An insane person (who's terribly in love with their boss).

Armando has never had someone in his life that he didn't have to share, who isn't related to anyone he hated, who he doesn't have to make backend deals with to get what he wants. For the first time he has someone who's on his side and no one else's.

And in the middle of all of that, she becomes his friend. His confidant. His co-schemer. He's instilled so much trust in her. Allowed her to know so much about him. Things that Marcela doesn't even know. In return, he's met her family (bc as a mutual said, they are always together), she later confesses to him that she lied to her dad about how she started off as his secretary (not assistant). He feels, up until the embargo happens, that he knows her.

But then he hears she has a boyfriend and suddenly he feels a sense of betrayal. Why didn't she confide this personal information with him when he probably gave her his social security number? (and also his company but he's not even thinking about the company when he hears the possibility that she has a boyfriend). Now suddenly he has to share her?? (Mi Betty tiene novio??) That all that loyalty, admiration, and devotion she's shown him up until that moment might not be his at all. On top of that, he realizes that he may not know her as well as he thought and that she may not want him to know her like she knows him. And I think that both offends and hurts him.

The lines from Armando's POV become blurred first because of all the above. The more he trusts her, the more he depends on her, (which scares Mario btw). ect. But it's different for Betty because she is very aware of the lines and when the affair portion starts, she begins to struggle with it.

Of course we know It wasn’t true that she was dating Nicolas, but even if she had had a bf for real, she still wouldn’t have told him. She was really reserved and constantly tried to keep her personal life private before their affair

She absolutely would not have told him and the only reason the cuartel thought she had a thing for Nicolas was bc Mariana read her the cards and the cards implied that there was a man in Betty's life and they teased her about it. She used Nicolas's name to cover up her growing feelings for Armando as a consequence of her attempting to keep her private life private. And the sad thing about that is once Armando gets word about Nicolas and the boyfriend rumors, Betty writes in her diary that she fears something bad will happen. And, u know, it does.

And also they way he reacted after Charlie Zaa kissed her on the cheek and she got all excited? And to react like that with Marcela in close proximity?

Jealous of the way she enjoyed Charlie Zaa's attention, straight up forgot Marcela was there. Also, the fact that for a nanosecond she admired another man that wasn't him.

...but with someone else in the picture that was not involved on their business in any way? His whole jealousy would have been very hard to disguise. Or would Mario still find a way to get paranoid and suspicious?

Mario would still find a way to be suspicious. If it was someone, say for example, some old co worker from the bank she worked at--We'll call him Bank Guy. If Bank Guy was Betty's BF, Mario would say 'Well how do we know we can really trust her when she didn't tell you that Nicolas was working for Terramoda? How do we know she won't also tell Bank Guy about the embargo? How do we know she won't also give a job to Bank Guy?' It would still bother Armando that she didn't tell him about hypothetical Bank Guy bc he thought they had a reciprocal friend\schemer\employee\boss relationship (you're right, he's insane).

Was she really not allowed to have a love life while Ecomoda was hers?

This requires an essay length response bc BOY do I have thoughts on this!!!! Short Answer: In Armando's eyes, NO. Because that's his Work Wife.

....I had watched lfmb before and Lety’s revenge wasn’t enjoyable to me because the filler they added before she read the letter made it very obvious that Fernando was in love with her and already wanted to cancel his wedding to be with her instead...

I watched LFMB when was like, 16, and have gone back a couple times to rewatch some scenes and no--Lety's gaslighting arc doesn't hit the same. Even tho I will always defend LFMB's 'before the letter filler arc' bc its cute, it makes the story lose its pacing. Betty has to read the letter right after the second night, right as Armando feelings are at a high point so that their roles are reversed. Lety and Fernando aren't as calculating, they're too emotional (crybabies), their romance reads like two infantile adults who grew up lonely. Betty and Armando are not like that at all. They're set up as soulmates, but their inner problems as people are not identical.

...whereas Armando tried to deny his feelings for so long, put on a façade in front of Mario even when it was no longer believable that even he had to call him out on it, all of this made this whole arc very satisfying to watch as a viewer.

LFMB really robs Fernando of this bc they didnt want him to be unlikable. Armando at the beginning of the story is not someone you wanna see get the girl, but that's part of his journey. And modern audiences dont understand that. Fernando not hiding his love for Lety doesn't hit the same as watching Armando fight with himself and making excuses for his feelings and then finally witnessing him say to an empty office 'Armando Mendoza you're in love for the first time in your life and it's with Beatriz Pinzon Solano'.

That is the build up audiences are waiting for with a character like Armando and when Fernando does it....It's doesn't hit and it's not as memorable.

[redrum-alice]

ANOTHER GODDAMN TIMEBOMB TANGLED AU HCs BEcause why not...

Idk if ive wrote this in one of my Tangled AU HCs tho but regardless...

Look look, listen-- this is just a headcanon for this AU. I know that Vi and Powder's parents fought at the bridge, and it wasn't explicitly said they were close to Vander (muchless Silco). So with all that said, if you're gonna be mad that I used their mother as a love interest for Vander and Silco and that this is inaccurate, then do not read lmao.

When Vander and Silco were young, theyre fighting over a young woman lmao

The woman is close to the two since shes part of the vigilante group that want to fight for Zaun, so they know her very well.

But it turns out she was already engaged to someone else, and few years later, she had a daughter named Vi 🥲

After hearing all this, Silco and Vander tried to forget their little fight and focused on making Zaun independent (that is until they fought again about how to run the city and Vander won over- Silco got the nasty eye)

When the lady's husband died from the war at the bridge, Vander offered to help her out as a stand in uncle for Vi and her soon to be sibling.

So when the woman fell ill all while pregnant with her 2nd child, she asked Vander to take care of her children if she ever passed away.

Silco on the other hand was bitter from his and Vander's fight. Not only that, he despised the fact that Vander gets to be close to his unrequited love all while he has to suffer alone. He soon managed to form a group dedicated to idealistic future for zaun where he gets to rule over it with the use of shimmer, provided by Singed (who agreed bc he is interested in testing humans)

So when Silco heard that the lady he once fell in love with got ill, it was his chance to introduce her to shimmer. He convinced her it was medicine, and overtime she took it regularly. Turns out it did ease the pain but after effects would put her in dire situation.

The Lady didnt know about the quarrel between Vander and Silco, so she didnt shoo away Silco when he approached her with "medicine"

Meanwhile, Vander was oblivious on whats going on at first bc he was busy protecting the citizens from abusive enforcers. It was too late when The Lady was on her last breath while struggling to give birth to Powder

He did what he was told and took in the daughters, but it wasnt long until Silco and his henchmen raided their home and stole Powder.

Funfact: Silco doesn't like Vi because she looks like her later father (terms of hair and eye shape), while Powder/Jinx is his favorite because she resembles a lot like her mother. Thats also the reason why Silco locked her up to keep her safe (and he knows for sure whatever illness her mother has, she might inherit it).

Though ofc he's still ever so distant to Jinx and neglectful of her feelings because she's another man's daughter and that alone tore him. (Look, he really fell for the lady, this was a huge slap to his face 🙃)

Bonus slap was when the lady chose Vander over him to take care of her children bc she trusts him more than anyone else

Another fact: Silco forbid Jinx to wear her hair up in braids because it'll remind him too much of the lady 💀 (her late mother wears her hair in braids, its a signature look for her ✨️)

[wish-i-were-heather]

Any thought on TGG?

YES YES YES YES YES SO MANY THOUGHTS UHM HELLO

okok so i wrote like an essay of predictions and what i thinks gonna happen next on in the notes app on on my phone bc i was camping when i finished reading it so i had no service and couldn't go online and tell people my thoughts 😭😭

uhh im gonna put my main points (spoiler warning ofc also this is gonna get really long)

i think eves whole kidnapping thing is bc of eve (obviously bc like slate is working with her) but because eve wants gray's attention

i cant remember if she knows about lyra or not but still

i just think this because i dont think she would really want anything to do with gigi, just using her bc gray

basically my main point is i think the main plot glorious rivals is going to be about finding gigi (i hope im right and she doesnt get dropped of at home in like chapter three or these will all be incorrect)

when gray finds out what happened to gigi he will flip out. obviously savannah will too probably moreso bc like thats her twin but gray is very protective of them both so he'll freak out like crazy

especially once they inevitably put the peices together and realies why kidnapped her, he'll probably want to kill eve (i'd say not actually but i wouldn't be surprised if he genuinely did. i do so like)

i think that both grayson and savannah will like actually refuse to participate further in the grandest game until they find out what happened to her

and obviously avery and the others arent apathetic so theyre gonna understand and its either gonna be cancelled/postponed

and when they do pause/end the game, they arent gonna tell people why cause that'd cause more drama

omg also im forgetting her name but gigi and savannah;s mom. i feel like she's either gonna be a really big character in the next book or not in it at all, i dont think theres really gonna be an in between.

also xander was really starting to grow a friendship with gigi, so he'd be concerned too.

i want gray and xander to have more "screen time" together and like grow their relationship bc they have a funny dynamic but we dont see it a lot

also i keep forgetting to mention her but SAVANNAH

shes gonna be so worried omg and she will be even more angry and worried than grayson will be

she is going to blame it on avery, i mean she already doesnt like her because she "killed her father" and whatever but just like yk

i have a feeling that the teams from this book are gonna come back

like rohan is gonna be on savannah's side about this whole situation, also like avery and jamie dont like him bc the whole jamesons rib situation lmao so that wont be hard to convince him

and theyre gonna be against avery and the hawthornes because savannah doesn't like her

and then lyra and gray are gonna be on the same side obviously (excluding odette bc idk where she fits into all this)

and not gigi obviously but then knox and brady, theyll probably be doing their own thing??

idk knox is obviously kinda a jerk and i dont like him and hes not in the game anymore

but brady he might try to help gigi? im not sure what to make of him

i feel like each "team" is gonna be trying to figure out what happened with gigi?? idk like i said if finding her isnt the main plot this is gonna be a little embarassing

ok but stepping away from that...

so we've known alice is alive but now thats to odette everyone knows

what did she want tobias to do when she came back? and just idk i have so many questions

WHO IS THE WATCHER???

my first thought is alice but thats too easy, too obvious

for the same reason i dont think its eve nor whoever the heck knox's sponsor is.

what if its this calla girl??? bc brady says shes alive?

why is everyone alive tho tbh first alice then calla, everyone but sheffield sorry sav

UNLESS HE DID COME BACK THAT WOULD BE SO BAD BC HE WOULD BE SO MANUPULATIVE TOWARDS SAVANNAH AUGH

ok anyway idk hes not coming back (hopefully)

i do think whoever the watcher is is the same person who gave lyra the ticket

ALSO KISSES KISSES KISSES I SCREAMED THEY KISSED SAVANNAH AND ROHAN AND LYRA AND GRAY FINALLY OMG THEY WERE SO HORNY THE WHOLE BOOK TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH

especially rohan like woah chill theres other people reading this book save some thoughts to yourself

but overall i loved it and i need glorious rivals right now

[fisherpiers]

Hunter coming out to Luz as bi

OKAY here i am like over 6 months later LMAO

like whattt? im not dead?? i know, i know. my deepest apologies

i have already written him coming out in flapjacks with syrup so if you want more go read that too not to self promote agskgjjghh (i will be updating that soon just saying 👀)

but here’s some headcanons!

lemme see, theres so many ways for this to go. lets entertain just a couple tho lol

scenario #1

its july and luz is getting/making pride merch for everyone bc shes trying to make it a thing on the isles. at least a little holiday. perhaps a parade? itll be fun!

and she realizes she has no clue what hunters deal is. is he straight? aroace, maybe. that guy is married to his work.

shes trying to keep this pride thing a surprise so she asks him nonchalantly like “hey broooo i was just wondering. whats your sexuality. a friend wanted to know.”

and he bluescreens

“uh. i— i dont know, actually.”

he never really thought about it. hes always been too busy being attracted to them books lmao

he has to get back to her in two business days at least 😂😂😂

he basically spends those days spacing out and scaring his classmates by intensely staring at them.

hunter discovers that he generally feels the same about any gender. and he didnt really have a preference when imagining his future having a wife, husband, or partner. as long as they made him happy

and everyone was really pretty. hexside had quite a lot of cute witches and demons

but honestly, he still didn’t really find himself wanting to start a relationship with any of them (gee wonder why)

he chalks it up to the fact that he’s focusing on his studies and apprenticeship right now and has no time for romance

besides, if he had a partner, he’d have even less time to spend with luz his friends

he finds luz up in a tree behind the owl house, nose in a book. shes so focused on the story that she doesn’t even hear him approach

“LUZ!”

“WHA—“

she was so startled she fell put of the tree. hunter tried to catch her he really did but they both wound up crashing down to the ground in a heap

oof

luz shoved him off her, laughing “first you give me a heart attack and now you try to crush me? i thought we were friends now, hunter!”

“sorry, sorry,” he wheezed as he rolled over in the soft grass

luz went and retrieved her book from where she accidentally threw it, “so what did you need me for?”

“oh, i just wanted to tell you i think i figured out my sexuality now, like you asked,”

“thats okay. i didnt mean to presure you so you dont have t—”

he sat up, “im bisexual,”

liz gasped “OH SWEET, twinsies!”

she got matching bandanas for them. cowboy vibes lol

luz did successfully get the annual pride parade set up in the isles. hard to say no to her shes a force of nature and also kinda a celebrity now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

scenario #2

luz has just assumed he’s gay

bc they often talk about guys they think are cute. like if theyre at the mall food court (without the hexsquad) and see any hot guys they are thoroughly checking them out and giggling like school girls

its not something she can do with amity (obviously), vee or willow. plus, she trusts that hunter isnt about to go squealing to her girlfriend about her attraction to men she has no plans on pursuing

its a good bonding activity, okay. if you cant thirst over cute guys with your bestie are they really your bestie

alas, because of this, luz never reads too much into the moments they have together. hunter let a hug linger a little too long? he lets her eat off his fork? puts his arm around her on the couch? just friendly behavior. its not like he likes her or anything. bc hes gay right

anyway. theyre like, at a chinese restaurant picking up takeout for the gang and the cashier is just adorable. miss teen connecticut. the cutest girl ever. they both stutter their words and awkwardly fumble around while picking up this order. hunter almost dropped the food and luz signed her name as Liz Noda on the receipt

they get out of there and start laughing once they reach the car

“guess its bi disaster hour am i right?” hunter joked

luz laughed but then it hit her

“wait. you like girls?”

hunter looked at her confused, “yeah?”

“oh…” she trails off,

and hunter starts the car and drives off, not even giving the conversation a second thought

meanwhile luz is dead silent in the passenger seat like

she be rethinking everything agsjfjjhh

OKAY SECRET 3RD SCENARIO!

tboy!luz au :3

okay so luz is scared bc he’s finally worked out his gender. he’s a guy.

its what pushes him to break up with amity. its amicable at least

and so as luz moves on with his life, and starts falling for hunter, he’s scared hunter wont like him now bc he’s trans

and once hunter finds out about that, he’s putting a stop to it fast. like:

“dude. im bi. i dont care if youre a boy or a girl. youre luz. and i like luz.”

and they live happily ever after the end agajdjjg

[dykeishheart]

Excerpt of Saints in the Desert (draft)

Putting under the cut bc it's long lmao

And also for (mild) disturbing content. Read at your own discretion.

Dark clouds gathered in the sky, the first Damian had seen since entering the desert so long ago. He had almost forgotten them. The air cooled, leaving only the sting of his burnt skin in the breeze. How could it rain here? Damian stopped walking, looking up to the sky in nervous wonder; it had been so long since he felt weather like this, weather that felt like home. When Damian turned he noticed the king looking up at the sky as well. He wondered if the king would be able to feel the rain. The thought was only brief; Damian started walking again.

“Why do you keep walking? You are far from my kingdom now. Is your cowardice so deep that you fear being tracked even this far?”

Damian ignored him. The specter drifted behind him as they moved on. The air was almost pleasant. It was such an alien feeling these days that Damian almost couldn’t place it at first, like some part of his core had grown over with misery and dampened his nerves. Damian thought about Leander, roaming somewhere in this horrible desert holding his head. Leander should feel this cool evening air. Not him.

Oh god, Leander.

Damian came to a massive dune, steep and wide. Thoughtlessly he trudged, pushing ever more sand with his labored steps, losing nearly as much ground as gained, crunching beneath his feet. Damian began to notice that the leather of his soles had worn through; sand was finding its way under his heel, sticking itself to his sweaty and clammed skin. What a perfect picture of misery, to work toward such pointless ends with such injurous means? No matter. He planted his hands to climb, grabbing at nothing save the endless amounts of sand.

He might’ve spent hours this way. Climbing up far enough to reach the upturned sand of his handholds with his feet, slipping on the lack of anything solid, only making progress by jamming his pointed hands so far into the sand as to anchor themselves among the tons of granules’ weight. The thought of wasted effort crossed his mind, but never stuck. There was no wasted time for a dead man, no injury for a deathless one. The top was nearing anyhow.

Damian reached the peak with his now bloodied hands, no sooner conquering the dune than collapsing to fall down the other side. He tumbled end over end, falling completely slack from the exhaustion of his Pyrrhic victory. He winced as his back finally crashed into the sand hard enough to stop rolling. As he lay with his eyes tightly shut, he began to smell something odd. Was it… flowers?

Damian hesitated to open his eyes. He heard the rising and falling of someone breathing next to him, an even in and out of complete serenity. The flowery scent grew clearer, as if a haze was lifted from Damian’s senses and he knew now where and what he truly was. The feeling lulled him, lifting his aching muscles from so much torment. Damian could feel his chest rising and falling in rhythm with the breathing body next to his. A sigh overtook him. Was this contentedness? No.

No.

Damian shot upright, peeling his eyes open to the dark evening. The rain clouds still loomed overhead. The ground around him was a grove of columbines growing at odds with the desert sand. He swallowed, mustered his courage despite the pit in his stomach, and turned his head.

Lying in the flowers was a relaxed man, his dark brown hair pulled into a ponytail that was cast beside him, his head resting on his crossed wrists, looking skyward. His breathing remained calm as ever, gentle rises and depressions. Without turning to look at Damian, Leander spoke.

“You’ve been gone a while, Damian.”

This was wrong. This was terrible. Disgusting. Leander was dead. Leander is dead, he thought. As sure as the axe he swung that day, Damian was sure Leander was dead.

Leander turned his head and smiled that easy smile Damian had missed so long. The depth of his dark eyes felt close enough to drown in. Floods of emotion washed over him in every direction at once, leaving him in the depths with no sign of shore. Seeing Leander alive. Or whatever this was. His head still on his shoulders, his face still full of vitality. No awful voice crawling through Damian’s head from stitched lips. The feeling in Damian’s chest was pounding harder than his heart. Even the hunger subsided, at least in this moment. The scent of these columbines, favorites of Leander’s from back home, impossibly sweet. Damian knew of the tales of men losing themselves to madness in the sun, but the realness of his ache was heavy enough to drown out the doubt. He let himself fall back into the flowers, just as Leander beside him.

“I’ve missed you. So terribly. It’s the ache that’s stayed the strongest.”

Leander pushed himself up on one elbow, looking at Damian. “Let me see your face,” he said, pulling Damian by his cheek to turn his head. Damian looked deep in his face as Leander appraised him. “Your hair has grown unkempt. So has your beard. God,” he said, his face painted with concern, “you look fucking awful.”

Damian laughed, Leander with him. “Yes, I suppose I’ve had other concerns. I wish I could’ve been washed and groomed to see you again. I just never thought I would.”

“It’s not a meeting I’d have guessed either, if I’m honest. Tell me though,” he started, looking downcast, “you are a saint now, yes?”

Damian’s breath caught. He looked down at the columbines, idly tracing the edge of some petals with his fingers. “So you know about that.”

“Of course. It was my neck, after all.”

“I’m so sorry, Leander.”

“Don’t be. You didn’t know.”

“I’d still be a murderer even if it wasn’t you.”

Leander looked up to meet Damian’s eyes. “We’re soldiers, Damian. We made our peace with that long ago. You told me once that any man that objects has freedom to walk away.”

“I know. I didn’t think I’d be killing my own, though,” Damian said, his voice cracking.

“But you don’t hold that regret for the women and children of Enura. Only for me.”

“No. I regret them too. I wish I’d walked away that day when I said you could. I should have walked away with you.”

Leander began plucking columbines from the ground, raising them to his face, his eyes not leaving Damian’s. He inhaled deep, then said, “They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”

“Yes. Your favorites, if I recall.”

Leander nodded. He held the plucked blossom to his mouth and planted a gentle kiss on its petals, reached out, and placed the flower behind Damian’s ear.

“A shred of beauty amongst the decay. You’ve still got a sense of humor.”

“No. Two beautiful things.”

Damian stopped, his smile fading. He looked now at Leander differently. “What?”

Leander pushed himself forward and put his hand on Damian’s cheek. Such a gentle feeling. He pushed Damian to the ground. Damian looked up at his best friend, his dead friend, mouth agape. How had he not realized?

Damian stifled the words. “How long ha-”

Leander pushed himself down onto Damian and kissed him. It was forceful, ravenous. His hands pushing him deeper into the flower bed below. Damian’s cracked lips peeled open under the force of this hunger, this consumption. It was as if Leander was drunk on his bleeding lip, hungrily lapping at drops from his mouth. Damian’s head was swimming. He felt Leander’s ponytail draped across his cheek, felt the heat of his breath that was so unlike the even in and out from before. He felt the rain beginning to fall. He felt hungry.

He felt himself give in and kiss Leander as forcefully as he had. Wants he didn’t even recognize clawed at him now. The rain was drenching them both, but neither cared. Lust found itself buried in Damian’s mouth and he wanted it out. He wanted. Oh god, he wanted. He felt Leander’s hands on his chest, smooth and determined, sliding down to the hem of his shirt, rolling over him like coveted gold. Elation washed over him, saturated him, made him shake. Leander pulled his mouth away, grinned, and pulled Damian’s head to the side.

He sank his teeth down into Damian’s neck. A flash of pain, but gentleness with it. It was a loving bite. He could feel Leander’s lips close around the skin, his hot breath next to Damian’s ear. His eyes rolled, his body shaking, overcome with new sensations. To think this was hiding below the surface. He felt Leander’s hand creep lower. Dangerously low. A twitch of surprise, which Leander laughed at.

He pulled his face up. “Not bad for a dead man, eh?”

Damian tried catching his breath, realizing only now how hard he had been panting. “Where in the hell did this come from?”

“Don’t pretend you didn’t know. You felt it as strongly as I did. You felt it every time you spared the other men the kindness you gave me, every time I gave you a portion of my dinner at camp, every night we stayed up talking to avoid going to sleep.”

Damian knew he was right.

“You slept rough every night. You never spoke about it but you had terrible nightmares every single night. I slept next to you until morning every time, holding your arm to keep you company because it’s all I could do for a man who wouldn’t tell me what battles he was fighting in his sleep. You tell me you didn’t know I loved you.”

“Loved,” Damian said, quietly. He mulled the word over in his mind. “Past tense.”

“Yeah. You and I both know this isn’t real. It can only be past tense now, can’t it?”

“It feels real enough,” Damian said, placing his hand on Leander’s chest. “I hope you know I love you too. I don’t think I understood it at the time, but I do. But then I always am the last one to figure things out, I guess. I’m sorry I didn’t love you sooner.”

Tears rolled on Leander’s cheeks among the rain. “You loved me enough that I knew. Don’t regret what’s done, darling. Where are you?”

Damian thought to himself. He had no idea. He was in a patch of foreign flowers that shouldn’t be growing here. He was in a rainstorm. He was with his lover, his dead lover whom he had killed with his own hand. He was starving. He was resting for the first time in ages, somewhere lost in an eternity, nestled in a little patch of impossible home. Home. What did that word even mean anymore? He didn’t belong to Kelsys any longer. He wondered if he even wished to. All it would take would be to turn back around. He could hide himself among his countrymen. Nobody really knew who he was beyond the scant few soldiers of the castle that he had fled; it wouldn’t be difficult to hide anywhere else. Kelsys was vast country, perhaps he could find a place out in the frontier? A simple agrarian life. He’d always wanted to raise animals. Have a window in his den to look at the columbines.

Damian looked back up to meet Leander’s gaze. There was a softness to his evening eyes that made Damian weak. The pain was catching up to him. The hunger. The aches of his muscles. His burnt skin. He’d spent so long pushing it under, trying his best to ignore it, but it was now bubbling up in a terrible boil. Leander’s face shifted with growing concern; he could obviously detect Damian’s pain. Before he could speak, a shadow fell over both of them, leaving Leander in an almost inky black darkness. A man’s shadow.

He appeared as if from nowhere. Ephemeral, illusory. Damian could look through him into the darkness of the rain. He squinted his eyes, trying against all to see the detail of the man, details which seemed to dance away from Damian’s eyes.

“Who are-?”

Before Damian could even finish his question the man materialized, a severe man in dark armor holding a long axe. Damian’s eyes locked themselves to the man’s face. His face. Damian was looking as a horrible shadow of himself, his eyes full of malice. A contemptible zealotry radiated from the shadow’s eyes. Damian knew it well. Horror mounted in Damian’s mind as he realized what was happening. He couldn’t even scream. He couldn’t do anything.

Damian’s shadow raised the axe. With a clean and mighty cleave, Leander’s head fell into Damian’s lap.