#had a conversation abt who might die

[lenny-zesty]

place your bets nerds.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[cherrysurf]

Coffee cake after dark| k. tsukishima x reader

chapter 6; be my plus one?

Tsukishima went over to go visit tadashi and yachis house for lunch, i guess it was more so to talk about their wedding that was approaching—

“So did you find a plus one yet?” yamaguchi asked tsukishima. “No, I figured I didn't need one” Tsukishima said, shrugging. “What about that girl that owns the cafe you're always on about? she seems like a sweet girl” yachi adds, which causing tsukishima to choke on his food from that statement “i mean that be weird no? we barley became friends i don’t think it would be appropriate to ask” he said trying to recompose himself “nah i don’t think so kei, i mean from what you tell us i think she might already be into you, like come on who closes their shop early to have lunch with someone more than once might i add” yamaguchi says smiling at the fact of how oblivious his blonde friend is at this whole ordeal, what yamaguchi said had tsukishima pursing his lips together at the thought of asking you made his cheeks turn red and nervousness bubble in his stomach. “I don't know, I'll think about it.” tsukishima begrudgingly said—

Today the cafe was closed. You sat at home lounging on your couch watching whatever was on television doom scrolling on your phone until you get a random call from tsukishima which was weird since you never really called before since you’ve gotten each other’s numbers but you got excited nonetheless. So you answered him “hi tsukishima how are you?” you say over the phone “i’m good yn thanks for asking, how’s your day off?” he said, trying to make small talk before dropping the question he was dreading out of embarrassment of rejection “it’s been kinda boring but i’m enjoying it, soooo if you don’t mind me asking why did you call?” you ask wondering what he could possibly want “uhm you can say no, i really don’t care it’s just my friends were bugging me about bringing a plus one to their wedding and were thinking i should ask you?” he said almost wanted to die “me?! Wait your friends know about me? aw that’s so sweet, well id be more than willing to accompany you just let me know the date and dress code!” you say happily, which shocked tsukishima to say the least “uh okay cool i’ll send you everything and we can talk abt it later on” he said wanting to finish the conversation out of embarrassment “sounds good byeee” you say “bye yn” he responded The rest of the night you spent daydreaming about going on a basically date with tsukishima and how cool it’ll be to finally see a different side of him.

a/n- back to a short chapter because this fic is lwk getting boring to me NOT IN A BAD WAY it’s js i have no idea what to say also i lwk gave up on the gradient title

taglist; @kawoala @toorusfangirl @gumims @kokokoula @anonymity-222 @thechaosoflonging @abzyissupersleepy @hwanghyunjinismybae @chilichopsticks @heartmaddie @snowthatareblack @sunghoonsgfreal

if you want to be added or removed lmk!

[nnnyxie]

BAE I‘M ABT TO ABSOLUTELY GO OFFFFFFG

So Fan!Izu is also plaguing my mind… Fan!izu x Artist!reader?? Imagine??? It starts in maybe middleschool…Izu discovers Readers Art account full of All might and they connect over their shared love for him…this friendship thing continues for a few years but they loose contact when reader deletes their art blog seemingly out of nowhere…so then there‘s a time skip until he’s a pro and Reader has a rather successful gallery of exclusively hero paintings…feeling themselves drawn to Deku (crazyyy imagine that) and painting him all the time…an especially big painting of Deku alongside Allmight is being displayed by them right now..clearly visible through a huge window in the front of the building

So now the fun part

Izu is on Patrol, or even better in a heavy fight, he swings by while doing god knows what and spots the painting and suddenly the world stops, he recognized this style…everything comes clashing back on him, the late nights of talking and making up theories about all might and all the intimate conversations they shared…how they opened up to eachother and everything, while he is distracted the villain gets in a nasty hit

Reader being the hero fanatic they are has been following the fight hidden inside (has no idea that Izu is their ex online friend situating thing) conveniently possesses a healing quirk and quickly rushes outside..maybe recovery girls grand child or something (YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOINGGG???) but their quirk works a little ✨different✨so they have to kiss him specifically on the lips and as soon as their eyes meet they just pause and stare, both their eyes widening

But they have no time to process this- as there is still a villain going about their shenanigans so reader Just smashes their lips together and Izu goes to fight and win and bam reunion

I be writing whole fics in your Requests I don’t even know what to do with myself😭

I’m sorry🫶🏻

#𖢥 izuku anon

IZU ANONNNN I LOVE THIS AND I LOVE YOU!!!!

this is such a beautiful idea!! i want to eat you!!! /pos

you were fairly small in the art community back in middle school— which resulted in little to no commissions.

but— there was this one boy who absolutely ADORED all of your all might fan art!! after you finished one drawing for him, he’d commission another.

you had to let him know that he’s allowed to basically buy in bulk— plus the bulk prices wouldn’t tear up his wallet!! though— he was always happy to pay you extra. he insisted, even.

with all of these interactions, it led to a friendship!! you would talk about all might’s recent battles, general interests, school, etc. of course, you never brought up quirks. you felt that there was no reason to! plus yours was…….. interesting, to say the least.

the friendship started at the beginning of middle school and lasted until the end of it.. before you just,,, disappeared.

and you went years without talking— years without the video chats and voice memos. years without the hero conspiracy theories. years without late night embarrassing stories. just— years without each other.

he didn’t know why you left and it hurt him. he mourned for years over the loss of your friendship. why didn’t you tell him you were leaving? why didn’t you try to contact him again? what happened? were you hurt? did you… die? he cried over this.

and he had fantasies of meeting you again one day. he made up scenarios of him saving you from danger— or of him just randomly running into you while he was patrolling during his work studies. or you just finding him. he’d fall asleep to these, hoping that they’d come true.

one lucky (sort of?) day, izuku was thrown through your gallery— glass shards flew everywhere.

for a moment, you paused. everything disappeared and it was as if only he existed. “izuku?” you whispered. his previously closed eyes shot open.

he looked at you— he looked— surprised? hurt? happy? confused? it was like he was going through the five stages of greif except— instead of greif it’s whatever the hell that’s going on between you two.

izuku rushed to get up but, he couldn’t— he could hardly sit up. he was bleeding an awful lot.

“don’t get up! you’re hurt!” you kneeled and pushed him to lay down. “where have you— what?” he held his injury, there was a large piece of steel in his side. “i said don’t get up! you have a damn piece of steel in your side izu!” you panicked— should you take it out and heal him? but that would— oh god that would be embarrassing. but, it’d save him… maybe you should just suck it up and do it?

“bite on this.” you reached for the silk painting next to you and shoved it in his mouth. his eyes widened, realizing what you were about to do. you pulled the steel out of him and watched the blood nearly gush out—

you leaned close to him, were you really going to do this? i mean— it’s part of your quirk so, it shouldn’t be weird, right? and, even so, it’s just a kiss. a kiss on the lips. a kiss that would definitely make an already weird situation,,, weirder… but, it’s to help— so you just suck it up.

“i’m sorry,” you took the silk from his mouth and kissed him— the kiss was longer than what your quirk called for… but, extra measures??? yeah……..

his injury healed quick, thankfully. there was still fighting outside. the villain’s yells caught izuku’s attention. realizing that he was, in fact, still taking down a bad guy with his partners. “i’m going to be back. don’t disappear again. please?” you nodded.

and just like he said— he was back. it was past dark now, your window was able to be restored by a sidekick with a reversal quirk. he was happy to see that. “hi,” was all izuku said when he walked through the door. he looked both anxious and excited. “hi,” you breathed out, this was kind of scary.

he looked around your gallery while making his way towards you. there were various portraits of himself. ranging from traditional, digital, abstract, realism, mosaic, and silk. he was both flattered and impressed.

he reached you and stared. taking in the fact that you were actually here.

“why did you leave?” izuku asked after a long silence.

“well it’s not like i wanted to… art was just something my parents didn’t want me to do… and they took it all away, i guess.” he frowned a bit, how could a parent not support their child’s ambitions? it appalled him that they didn’t.

“did you try finding me again?” he asked. he remembers the countless hours he spent searching for you. “i did and— i was able to find you.” “then why didn’t you reach out?” his face, his expression— it was gut wrenching. “i thought you would’ve hated me so i just… didn’t.” he looked bewildered. as if you just said something so heinous and unforgiving. “i wouldn’t— i wouldn’t have hated you,” izuku’s eyes were watery. “i’m sorry, izu.” he shook his head no, “i understand, okay? you don’t need to apologize.” he sniffled.

the tension was nearly suffocating— you didn’t know how to respond. i mean— what do you say to that?

izuku noticed the obvious anxiety you had.

“so uhm… deku is a cool hero, from what i’ve heard,” he joked. then you remembered the multiple pieces you had of him— you wanted to die.

“oh god,” you groaned in embarrassment and covered your face. izuku smiled and uncovered your face, “your art is really amazing.” was he trying to kill you? like— his smile?? he’s so pretty??? how can a guy be so pretty?? genuinely, he’s so much prettier in real life than in pictures— it’s ridiculous.

“uhm how about we catch up? maybe over uhm dinner tomorrow?” izuku asked, his face was flushed red— again, he’s ridiculously pretty. “i’d love that.”

[horizon-verizon]

Phoebe Campbell saying about Baela and Rhaena “There’s a little bit of tension because of their separate upbringings, Baela was raised with grandma & grandpa, Rhaena by stepmom and half siblings. Rhaena feels quite a lot of resentment there.”

So... that garbage fanfic wants to put the dragon twins against each other ?? They aren’t Arya and Sansa, Baela and Rhaena actually love each other, and unlike Sansa, Baela never bullied her sister. And why would Rhaena resent the fact that she had to live with her stepmom and half siblings ??

This is if--and only IF--Phoebe is correct in how the show will decide to characterize Rhaena, and since they literally acted the character, shot all the scenes, and haven't gone on record with bad takes, I think we don't have much a reason to suspect otherwise.

Link to the article that came out today and what anon refers to:

BranwynHlfwitch over at Twitter has a whole thread pointing out other stuff how Ryan Condal has never had a great grasp on the plot or really of history & historians.

I think that part of it is they are trying to develop these characters for their larger roles they're planning during the Dance & the way they decided to go about that is to create conflict b/t the fan fav sisters. And I think they might try to to argue or imply that she is resentful bc of not just second-son syndrome, but basically Baela was picked by their grandparents to be closer and let Rhaena be. Why not both of them, if they are already seeming to break tradition? It will likely folow the theme of silent rejection the show allows the audience to quickly assume from episode 6, where Rhaena bemoans Daemon ignoring her bc of her not hatching an egg...which I already talked about.

Baela--for a very dumb reason--becomes the "ward" of the Velaryons & Rhaenys wants Corlys to name Baela as his heir...presumably without consulting Daemon, the girl's father or Viserys, the head of the house Baela is actually a part of and who would determine how his house's possible heirs inherit what over other candidates...bc Baela & Rhaena are both technically still in line for the throne though they aren't titled as princesses. Just way down and the claims would get stronger the more people before them die...which we already see in the bk.

Anyway, Baela is seemingly older than Rhaena instead of being her twin as by canon; she has a dragon where Rhaena does not; she is, bc she is older, taken to Driftmark to learn the ways of a leader as if she might become the head of a house or whatever even though we also know that Corlys has definitely not named her his heir by his & Rhaenys' conversation in the last episode (so for 6 years why is Baela there without being named when they could just visit each other--her and Rhaenys--by ship and dragonback [pic below] idk, the spectacle of it?).

And while Rhaena loved her dad, loved her stepsiblings/1st cousins-once-removed & I believe that Rhaenyra was a great stepmother to her, because the show did not show us their lives, they will take advantage of that and present us with a lot of stuff like this--breaking lore and going along with the breakage to build their own tale but also sometimes not showing a logical progression from that point of breakage [again, lok to the link abt cradle-bonding].

Yes, there's the argument that Daemon is merely worried over Rhaena's being singled put and left out or belittled, sidelined, for not having a dragon as he felt being a second son/child even with his dragon...but again, look to my post about cradle-bonds and the history of dragon bonds he supposedly knows and it becomes still dumb when he still ends up doing the very thing he's supposed to have feared for his daughter, to her.

Would it have helped if the writers actually developed these people's lives before the Dance and actually think through their plot decisions if they planned to make Rhaena-Daemon's deal this, absolutely! But we have what we have.

Show!Rhaena could come to just resent her sister for all this perceived favoritism.

I may be wrong, who knows.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

the beach conversation is insane actually im always being so mean to 13 for how closed off she is but it's insane what she does here like "ive never been able to", "it's what my life is", "not because i dont want to"

shes like sorry yaz i cant give you much but lets play doctors and students and reenact the anatomy lesson dr nicolaes tulp you be the doctor and the students and i'll be the body hang on let me hold up a lamp so you can see what we're doing

shes like sorry yaz i cant give you much i locked my hearts in this rusty vault and lost the keys but if i had a spare i would give you it i swear i promise i know thats not enough but i'd give it to you

"i cant fix myself" is how she starts. "i'll be fine, in the end, hopefully" she says like an hour after regenerating after describing just how much it fucks her up and how scary it is and how painful and how much of a gamble, really, how much of a leap of faith and hoping for the best, hoping for that net to appear because if it doesnt......... theres no backup

are you alright, doctor? are you okay? yaz has asked a hundred times without getting an answer. and now she finally does and it seems to recontextualise every dodge that has come before. stop asking, it's not the end yet, theres still time, a little more patience, i will figure it out, i will be able to give you a yes eventually im sure of it.

but now it is the end, regeneration looms again, time is running out, and this endlessly delayed answer sounds like a resignation. i cant do it. not in time. maybe not ever. but definitely not before the plane crashes and i take you down with me. i broke the universe and i cant fix it. it's too late. i dawdled too much.

and what this could have been, but isnt, because neither of them take it this way, think of it this way, because theyre too much alike, and not like this at all, but what this could have been, in intention and reception, is a request for help. i give up, i cant figure this out, but can you? the doctor doesnt mean this, and yaz has always been too attentive to the limits, too respectful of the doctor's boundaries (from "who, me? no. never doubted. don't know what you mean" in ghost monument to "can we just live in the present") to misinterpret it this way. so theyre on the same page. a page, as always, decided on by the doctor. but it does make the perfect set up for the finale

because i do think, sort of, that yaz fixed it. not you know the millennia of trauma but the specific inability of 13 to trust people. the clara/river/missy/bill my-friends-die-or-are-not-what-they-seem-or-both cant-hold-anyones-hand-but-my-own inability to trust her friends are her friends and they will not like explode into gore and viscera if she touches them (which now that ive said it i bet is what she has nightmares about. perfect match with what i think yaz has nightmares about which is the doctor exploding into gore and viscera and not being able to do anything abt it. actually the best idea i think ive ever written abt what yaz has nightmares about is "or you take off your coat and youre wearing dynamite", but i digress) that, i think yaz sort of fixes when she saves the doctor and saves the world and i think if 13 had lived she'd have trusted yaz after that in a way she couldnt before and maybe even that realisation of "you saved my life" in that weird malleable state of post-pseudoregeneration might have had a hand in why 14 is the way he is

[neko-chans-teashop]

Theories for Obey me! Nightbringer

These are from pages of my journal, which I posted a bit earlier.

• The Demon King

So basically People keeps talking abt Solomon being MC's replacement, Barbatos, Diavolo, blah blah blah. So We theorize that this might be a while during after the fall right?? And who gave the brothers their titles? The Demon King of course. He might make an appearance, and I'm looking forward to it more than Lilith.

• Raphael

If Raphael is the 3rd Celestial Realm exchange student, why isn't there a human one? Raphael's purpose might be to watch and observe Simeon, to avoid him from turning against the Celestial Realm. The reason why Simeon might rebel against the Celestial Realm is in my next theory.

• Simeon being demoted

Most people talk about Simeon being demoted from Seraphim to Archangel, so I'm gonna give my theory about that. Simeon was close to Lucifer and his brothers, so maybe he stood up for them. He might've had a conversation with Michael about making them stay, or something like that. This also might be why he was demoted, to avoid his reputation being tarnished if he ever fell. Of course the Celestial Realm didn't want another Seraphim to fall right? If he stood up for the brothers, his chance for turning against the Celestial Realm is big.

• Solomon and Barbatos

Solomon has been mentioned to have Barbatos' grimoire, which allows him to have complete control over Barbatos. Maybe Solomon controls Barbatos more than Diavolo. If Solomon is the big bad here, then that would be likely bc of their bigger roles here in Nightbringer.

• Thirteen

Thirteen is a Reaper, a creature that watched over the Life Candles of humans, angels, and demons. It is mentioned that she once cause Beel's life candle to burn a bit faster and almost extinguish. Maybe Thirteen, or another reaper was involved in a plot that made them related to Lilith's death, such as extinguishing or causing Lilith's candle to burn faster.

• Lilith's Death

Beel said that Lilith was shot by an arrow, which caused her to die (if I remember correctly) She had extreme injuries, but since she is an angel, she could've healed it. Since her brothers are high ranking angels, she could be one too. But her life was hanging by a thread. Maybe a reaper was involved and worsened Lilith's injuries by making her candle burn faster, and it was all predicted that she would go to Devildom and such.

Those are all my theories, just to clear my head.

[ottoslab]

not to be extremely predictable abt the characters i ask abt but do you imagine any of the p7 are still around during or right before the future au? i know they are. Old. but i always am fond of the concept of like the old folks helping out at the camp after pn2.

Im always so very tossed up about how and If the p7 are still around during the aac timeline . But for the sake of “it would be funny if,” I will simply say they Are. (And ramble more about the thoughts ive had about a couple that might Not be and Why under a cut bc its kind of depressing)

Otto will never die and will never leave the Motherlobe much to Hollis and Truman’s dismay. The older he gets the more powerful he gets. He continues to contribute, arguably with increasing efficiency, but as each year passes he gets less and less concerned about getting caught doing things outside of the parameters of Psychonauts rules. “What are you gonna do? Fire me? Lmao” *goes back to working on his death beam that he just made because it was funny.*

I have this hc that at some point Sam makes it her mission to renovate the Lumberstack Diner as the Questionable Area? becomes more profitable over the years. And i think Compton working as a cook there would be a nice little job for him to have while in retirement. Cooking is like the one type of stress he can handle i think. Hes so so scared but in the comfort of something familiar so its less likely to cause him to start blowing things up.

Bob and Helmut deserve a nice little retirement home and I think theyre the primary residents of the Gulch (next to maybe Cassie and Compton?) They supervise (re: sometimes run into and chat with) Raz and his team who have basically taken up their own residence in the Gulch. Perks of being teammates with agent Aquato and Zanotto is that you dont have to resort to dormitories.

I’m not sure what’s up with Cassie! I don’t think she’s doing much either, probably also sticking around the Gulch. Though i think through the support of the others she at least gets Slightly more involved with the Psychonauts or going out into towns to do book signings so that she doesn’t become a complete and total recluse again.

I think Ford and Lucy are out traveling a lot while they’ve still got the time to. Making up for a whole lotta lost time n all that, giving each other time to talk and jazz. They’re not around a lot but they visit often!

Ok. And a very specific less sweet outcome for Ford and Lucy under the cut

When i run through which characters it would be like. Narratively “Best” to have passed away around the AAC timeline, my mind always immediately jumps to these two. Like obviously I think some characters would be more likely to have died before them (looking at you my friend Bob) or ones that could be more impactful in other directions (Cassie and Compton having to learn to exist without one another) but considering their last narrative experiences in Pn2 was finding each other again for the first time in years, it feels like any of those four (Bob, Helmut, Cassie, Compton) passing away would just be a disservice to prior storytelling. And Otto will never die, as I’ve said, so don’t even worry about him <3

I just think a lot about a story in which Ford and Lucy pass on before Raz can ever really reconcile any of his issues he had with either of them. A story in which he’s happy to see them getting along and traveling together, but every time they leave he holds his breath and counts down the days until they make it back and he can guarantee they’re still alive and he goes “This time, this time I’ll say something,” and then he doesn’t because how do you even bring up that conversation after all this time.

And then eventually they pass and it’s almost poetic, really, going at around the same time. But he never got to say anything to them, never got to reconcile and barely got a goodbye. And now he has to learn how to deal with that. How to deal with the fact that they’re still everywhere, in True Psychic Tales issues, on murals, on old pictures, inherently buried in the history of the psychonauts.

And i dont know. I think it’s an interesting story to explore. In a hypothetical real Psychonauts future story, you enter the story with some characters trying to question Raz about something theyre worried about that he always cuts off or dodges before you get to hear, but the lack of any mention of Ford or Lucy is so absent that it’s palpable. Stuff like that.

[therealslimshakespeare]

my dearest darlingest marina i need you to know you have broken me quite thoroughly and i might never ever forgive you for it as long as we both shall live ! ❣️

to clarify- ive been saving "let's fall out of love" to read later ever since you posted it cuz i didn't feel ready- didn't think i was emotionally stable enough to read it then. well, tonight ive been clearing out my list of unread fics from last year aND GODDAMN WAS I EVER RIGHT ABOUT THAT.!!!

started getting all weepy and shaky before that first courthouse bathroom conversation and i didn't ever stop 😭 sobbed so hard and for so long at the unfairness of it all (for both of them !) i gave myself an asthma attack and had to stop reading.. what really broke me was e's bittersweet and somewhat detached realization on the courthouse steps that all their kids had flocked to laney during the divorce. couldn't stop thinking abt how badly i would've wanted to tell jesse off for being sharp to his daddy, and the knowledge that elaine COULDN'T, that it wasn't quite over yet and she still had to save face for a bit longer despite how much it killed them both, despite being the only person who could truly understand just how deep elvis was hurting right then and having been the one who'd made a whole life out of loving him hard.......... the idea of him resigning himself to having lost that forever (false) and her having to go against everything in her nature to let him ache a while longer,, oh it just shattered my spirit to bits right then and there. oh god im gonna start crying again just thinking about how lonely they both made each other 💔💔💔

im literally inconsolable, even with the reasoning behind it/ knowing how it ends beforehand, and having those future timeline fics to fall back on did nOT SAVE ME like . dear GOD woman how is that even possible?!?? if i had any shred of humanity left in my body id wax poetic for three more paragraphs abt how that speaks to your truly absolutely outstanding talent as an author and worldbuilder, but alas i think i cried out everything that was keeping me sane sometime in the last half hour and now i have to go lie facedown on the floor in my hallway and die abt it all instead 👍 fantastic work as always i love all your work so much forever etc etc 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

ps: it took me the better part of an hour to type all this out since ive lost the water content of approxinately a small ocean w my tears and am doing physically poorly in response 🫠🫠 so thanks for ur patience in this trying time 😔🙏

I spun around in circles upon reading this like my poor coon dog when she had a stroke -jovially of course. Like this is the stuff every writer dreams of getting for feedback but holy smokes, your talent for screaming? Beyond my wildest dreams. I’ve always told you how much I appreciate your time and enthusiasm to tell your thoughts Mary Hope, and now is no exception. My babe and co-author @elvisabutler deserves the pleasure of reading what we’ve wrought, as well. I’ll be halving all your medical and psychiatric expenses with her. 😏

Tbh, despite knowing both imminent and longterm reconciliation was to happen after this segment, we were just as cut up about tearing them apart as you were to read it. In fact, it was worse than all the lead up fics where the passive aggressive accumulation of grievances came across as hurts but ultimately only aggravations. This is just…PAIN. Funny how what was untenable before a tragedy suddenly appears to have been idyllic after it. Anyways.

Thank you for reading, here’s some Kleenex, albuterol and do know the sequel to this divorce is in drafts, so not finished AT ALL but it is in the works.

Not that it’ll hurt much less than this one. 😈

[wrongcaitlyn]

need more apollo and darren lore to see if i can relate them to back to december

you can ONE HUNDRED PERCENT relate them to back to december if you just ignore the tiny detail of them not breaking up in december (but like, who cares because it’s the VIBE that matters and in this case the vibe is definitely accurate)

i will definitely be adding more apollo and darren lore…let’s just say… archery world championships happening soon…. olympics in one year…. kayla’s an icon mastermind…..

but! some little notes in specific relation to back to december

i know you may think this is apollos pov, but after looking over the lyrics again to refresh my memory… it’s from darren’s perspective. 100%

I'm so glad you made time to see me / How's life? Tell me, how's your family? / I haven't seen them in a while

apollos family!! not referring to his dad. duh. but darren’s prob just talking abt like the 1-2 times he met will and austin as babies, he hasn’t seen them since so “a while”…. sure darren, that might be a bit of an understatement

You've been good, busier than ever / We small talk, work and the weather / Your guard is up and I know why

small talk is SO real with them. they’re so awkward esp rn. they don’t know how to talk to each other. apollo says “nice weather we’re having” completely unironically and darren responds “oh yeah it’s nice”

cue silence for like 2 minutes until apollo asks how his coaching is going and more and more stilted conversation

AND!!! they’re both busier than ever!! apollo returning to being employed (kinda? i mean, he has a job so) and darren with olympics being next year

Because the last time you saw me / Is still burned in the back of your mind / You gave me roses and I left them there to die

i don’t wanna spoil exactly how they broke up… bc me and wronghuntress had like an hour long convo abt pollen lore a few weeks back and. guys. when i tell you i am SO fucking excited to write it‼️‼️

HOWEVER. this line. is very. very. very. fitting. from darren’s pov that’s all i’m saying hereeee

bc ik in one of the other chapters i said that apollos like “i ruined his life” and he DID but also like. it’s messy. it’s so very messy.

So this is me swallowin' my pride / Standin' in front of you sayin' I'm sorry for that night / And I go back to December all the time

not technically in front of him but!! the phone call!! abt kayla!! him swallowing up his pride, and there wasn’t necessarily an apology for the… things that happened, but it’s a step forward

It turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you / Wishin' I'd realized what I had when you were mine / I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright / I go back to December all the time

change it to march and make darren a singer instead of an archer and this would be one of his songs😭😭

These days, I haven't been sleepin' / Stayin' up playin' back myself leavin' / When your birthday passed and I didn't call / Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times / I watched you laughin' from the passenger's side / And realized I loved you in the fall

god… this timeline is actually SO real. if anyone’s making a pollen playlist out there (i should probably do that when i have timeHDKDJD) THIS SONG‼️‼️‼️

anyway ofc apollo is associated with summer in darren’s brain… and also apollo def thinks of summer too when thinking of darren :)

and oh yeah, ofc apollo’s in the passenger seat. bro probably grew up with drivers and doesn’t have his license.. rip sun chariot!!! (he gets his license eventually, ofc, but only bc it’s to drive will to school)

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile / So good to me, so right

But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

i mean, do these even need to be explained? well darren, i can assure you that you WILL love again. it’s what we all need

okay so. i can’t really. explain the rest of this stuff. but here are the lyrics that stand out to me SOOO much because of how they broke up. that is all i can say for now!!

And then the cold came, the dark days / When fear crept into my mind / You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

And how you held me in your arms that September night / The first time you ever saw me cry

thank you so much for the ask!! it’s been a while since some pollen content but i swear it’s coming soon :))

[braemjeorn]

some scrambled thoughts post moving (2023)

i might need to watch the series again to catch some details so excuse me if I'm confused about the obvious. but spoiler alert, to those who haven't watched it.

me when the temporary teacher got stabbed: (blinks)... i mean I don't like you, not that I want you to die either. oh well.

so what was bang kisoo looking for loitering in the school like that? his files to better his report? the files of the ones with powers to verify things? maybe han byul's memory card too? to observe what had happened in the gym? to pick up a fight with kanghoon? man i lost somethings really...

...so kisso wasn't the one to sabotage that jumpboard?

it was that temp teacher/agent?

anyway what is wrong with that tempt teacher honestly - did he sabotage kisoo's ankle just to find out if he has power or just out of sheer distaste like...?

gosh i hate him now, but he died! we'd never know his motives!

(the way this drama have 20 ep but i still have questions)

(it's the flashbacks. too many flashbacks when we could've gotten new scenes. i always hate this abt kdramas)

on the good side, kisoo going soft and protective with han byul when he realized the NK agents aren't here to play

that was a really short and sudden ship but o ma gosh the potential

hyewon too deserved more screen time - like suddenly moving schools too?

like honestly a bummer that they're graduating college - bongseok, huisoo, hyewon, han byul, ganghoon and kisoo would have been such a good friend group (or pairing, if you want it that way. the potential is there, honestly)

anyway about kanghoon - takes-his-duty-seriously class president kanghoon

wanna see him working as an agent/civil servant in the NIS

working under that seagull guy? *rubs hand excitedly* is gonn be fun honestly, man we need a SEQUEL we really do!! the next gen of supers is gonn wreck some stuff, i can feel it!

i came to this show to see mihyun and doosik but ended up being such a fan of guryongpo

mr ryu was the topmost actor in the wikipedia page so i was like, oh he's the main main guy turns out!

he came to any scene and i was like "guryongpo! he's alive! huisoo appa! 희수 아빠 멋있다! 희수 아빠 화이팅!!"

best man, best partner, best husbando, best dad

i thought frank rolling over him with that truck again and again was bad but then he had 200 gang members breaking his bones with their cars like... you've been through a lot sir.

episodes abt his and jaehee's married life was either the cutest or the most heartbreaking like staph, my heart cannot heal itself

unconventional couples are the cutest i swear by it

huisoo >< jaehee: helps lost adult men on the roadsides

juwon >< jaeman: protective dads

on a more depressing note, that useless jo principal might have orchestrated jaehee's accident.

maybe just to see if huisoo has powers. the wife dies as consequence? not my problem, i'm just gonna wait in this car.

his death seemed excruciating. well deserved, i might say.

and Frank still didn't die either lol not even fire stops him

curious as to what he's gonna do next 0.0

(crack suggestion: he can work at the chicken shop and they can rename the shop as immortal chickens)

(i don't know how huisoo got yongdeuk to work at the shop but if she can persuade her dad to take in a defector, she can persuade him to take in an assassin that once wanted to kills him)

(that's jaehee's passion running through her)

is elias gonna be worse or what? also a korean native?...gotta see that episode again to look at the boys

another thing i feel robbed off: reunions.

moonsan and guryongpo needs to meet up I NEED TO SEE IT

code names?? f- that, name's kim doosik. you're my hyung now, let's work well together.

THEY WERE PARTNERS FOLKS, PARTNERS. DOOSIK LEFT JUWON HIS KNIFE GAH

THE KIMS AND THE JANGS NEED TO EAT DONKASS AND CHIKIN TOGETHER!!!

(imagine the conversation abt huisoo and bongseok relationship will go abt lol)

(JW: sunbae, i respect you a lot, i'm glad you're back, but that's my only daughter-- DS: hyung, i just got to know my son again this year-- MH (towards the kids): i knew it, you two are just the sweetest!)

you know, for someone who doesn't know if her husband is alive or dead for 13-14 year but constantly waits for his return by leaving hints, mihyun is very composed at seeing dusik just landing on her rooftop

i don't know if i should credit that to her training as a black agent or toughened up by being a single mum for that long

but she didn't even react at seeing jang juwon at the teacher's office although it's been like, 24 years and suddenly you're here coz your kid's in the same school as mine? coincidence? I think not! this institution is more slippery than fish!

mihyun's really cool like, she's still that sharp and quick even after doing office jobs, farming, single-parenting and managing a restaurant. what a role model. you really don't forget your training huh?

Yellow Man Bongseok - Bunggaeman being his inspiration is just--

oh i also really liked how that NK agent pulled the trigger like you wanna look inside my loose sleves. wepl, surprise bish! the mechanics and how it's shot is just *chef's kiss*

you know for some scenes that we were robbed off, it's a lovely drama

i like action movies a decent amount, and this hits the spot. korean style,especially.

really really REALLY looking forward to that sequel now, gosh just give it to me.

[s1ll13rg00s3]

what a dim fkn lesbophobe.. ofc most prostitutes don't enjoy most times the crusty johns f*ck them but if they're osa they at least have the capacity to enjoy sex involving males and their dicks which lesbians innately do not. it's overdramatic to say that every single encounter a prostitute (who had picked this job) has is SA, that's trivializing the very meaning and victims of SA. there absolutely are het and bihet women who enjoy being promiscuous and getting railed by random males and have decided they may as well make money from that as incomprehensible and dangerous and anti-feminist as it is. but lesbians could never willingly be with a male, so yes, ofc if a male r*ped me - a gold star lesbian, it would be 100 times worse for my psyche than a fellow woman r*ping me. that is not the say that r*pe isn't always traumatic. female heteros can't ever really relate to this because they are female themselves and are attracted to males who oppress them so they'll never understand how revolting the very idea of any physical contact with a male is to us, the softest seemingly consensual hetero 'love-making' 🤢 would still be aggressive r*pe to a lesbian. on the other end, most het women will never that viscerally disgusted by the idea of intimacy with a woman, they don't desire it, but they know and have female anatomy themselves and female genitalia isn't as weaponizable and physically endangering as male either. if you asked most het-attracted women, they'd still choose to be assaulted by a woman if they were forced into such an awful choice. most of them are so lesbophobic and heteronormatively brainrotted anyway that they wouldn’t even perceive lesbian sex as 'real' so being r*ped by a woman wouldn’t be as traumatic for most. so while all r*pists should die eternally in the pits of hell no matter the compatibility of their orientation and their victim's, you are simply lesbophobic and insanely cruel if you think that the doubly inhumane: homophobic and misogynistic 'corrective' r*pe isn't most horrific and traumatizing to lesbians in particular.

So first of all i think you're like completely misplacing your anger, hope it made you feel better to type all that out at least? Like I think you've misunderstood my post maybe lmao, because the POINT of that post about "no prostitutes are lesbians because any real lesbian would kill themselves rather than get touched by a male is very unkind TO LESBIANS who have been sexually abused by men or prostituted. But maybe because I suggested I think its fucked up to say that "osa" women suffer less from being raped you don't care abt the rest.

So to clarify, I dont think attempting to quantify who suffers from rape "the most" is a reasonable conversation to have, it's neither helpful nor compassionate to any victims of sexual assault.

You can recognize that corrective rape is awful (it is and I've never said otherwise) and think that.

Why do we need to build a hierarchy of the different types of sexual abuse and assault lmao? Who does that help? What gives you the right to quantify the pain of other people as well? I could hit you with "well what about victims of incest?" Or something like that and maybe you would double down or make a concession "well okay, under those circumstances MAYBE it's as bad for """osa""" women to be raped as it is for lesbians" but the point of what I'm saying is actually I think that this conversation is gratuitous and I think we've lost by entertaining it at all. You can have a conversation about factors which might exacerbate the suffering caused by sexual assault/abuse without devolving into "and that's why none of you will ever suffer like *I* have suffered" etc and so on. Why does it even seem attractive to you to feel like no one could ever understand how particularly damaged you are? Would you not rather try to relate to people who are trying to reach out through similar experiences to you than like languish alone like this? Like refuse to let people relate to you and then claim that they can't/won't? Idk lol

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi! its incredible/intrusive tjoughts anon. honestly its nothing serious i just want advice lol.

so basically i identify as pan(tomantic) and non binary (transmasc).

basically i have this cousin who im REALLY close eith since shes the only family close to my age (we have a year differencs)

basically i do live in a very homophobic place, as i think ive said before but i think that she might be queer (bi specifically)

and here are my proofs:

1) the subtle one being, when its just the both if us watching something all she points out is how beautiful/amazing/gorgeous wtc the women look. nothing abt the guys. (not that im complaining cz women serious do slay)

i know that she also likes men because i remember watching this scene with her and one other cousin where the guy (wesrung a ehite) shirt fell into the water and was coming out (of the water).

me, personally, i was disgusted and i thiught my cousins would share the same opinions. nope. they rewatched the scene twice i think, their eyes were glued onto the screen ans they were both red.

2) the second one being, as ive mentioned before, i am a religious person qnd so is she. but we have this tradition where we go onto the roof and just talk about stuff we normally would never talk about. we basically kid of vent to each other too.

and there we've talked alot about queer people, and being a religious queer person and its clear that our views on the topic are very similar.

(i never bring up queer people bcz im scared of giving myself up, and usually people do not go around asking others abt their opinion on them. and yeah i feel like she was relieved when i explaijed that the last thing i wanted was for them to die)

niw into the veey obvious tells:

3) my cousin and i were bored so i took out markers and we decided to draw on my leg (dont ask me how we decided that that was the best thing to do.) but basically out if everything she couldve drawn, she drew the rainbkw but as a bi flag.

i saw it and when i pointed it out, she kind of looked panicked? so i just left it.

4) this one is like glaringly obvious tell. basically obv everyone knows, the tt algorithm works overtime and honestly i rarely get anything im not interested in.

so me, obv i have short hair, and when im sleeping/when im alone with other women you could easily tell that wtv is happening is not straight cis shit.

but basically i was changing so i just shed off my outer layer, underneath i was wearing this like sleeveless sweater and i had tracksuit bottoms underneath. my hair was oulled back in a half bun.

tell me why she says oh you look like thise masc lesbians in my tiktok fyp.

like FIRSTLY what are the masc lesbians doing on ur feed?? how have you watched them eniugh to know the specific terms??

basically idk if im maybe reading inti this but sometimes i genuinely feel like im going mad and i want to kind of come out ti someone irl cz i litr need someoen to see me, and recognize my efforts.

so. i just need advice, cz she knows quite alit if the terms as well, and ive noticed that homophobic people usually do not. (e.g. my brother does not know anthign other than gay and lesbian and queer cz he likes to throw them out as insukts)

but she does know, not all, but quite a few. (i only know nearky all cz for a while my obsession, idk what people call thus but basically i become obsessed with a tooic, research alot about it and then just leave it?. was like all the different types of labels and which umbrellas they fall under. so ive done alot of research on this matter which actually freaks alot of people out)

ive just realised i actually ramble alot so thankyou for making it this far lol

(also i just got hiccups wriitng this and theyre OISSING ME KFF)

Hi!

I feel like it's a pretty good assumption that your cousin is open-minded. I think it might be a good idea, next time you guys are having a rooftop conversation, to bring up queer people you know. Celebrities, mutual friends, etc. Ask her how she feels about those people. If she's cool with it, that's a good signal that you can come out.

Also think about- if you've told her other secrets, has she told other people? If not, then you can trust her with something like this.

As far as your cousin's sexuality- I'm not sure if you're reading into it. But remember, even if you come out to her, she might not return the gesture even if she IS queer. She might not be ready, and that's okay! Just continue to be a safe space for her no matter who she likes.

[unplanned-parenthood]

cw lots of mentions/discussion of suicide/death, etc (house md has ruined me. shows made to torture ME in particular)

been marinating this since i saw a poll abt it + a fic i read a couple days ago but re: what will house do once wilson is gone. after watching it play off i had like, no doubt the only possibility was for him to off himself...which does sound very awful but. i don't think it really is? not for house anyway.

the only reason he got off the bus was because of wilson (always thinking abt this. it doesn't hurt here. get off the bus house. but he hates me. you have to get off the bus) he has lived so long in pain, it feels more cruel to ask him to live without wilson. and while i get where the people who say wilson would try to talk him out of it are coming from (obviously wilson is wilson and he will always worry, so like, sooner or later he will start thinking about the after) it makes me wonder, what is on itself more selfish: asking him to continue living with pain, except he doesn't have one of the few things that made things easier—or asking him to die for him, like he has done before?

i would like to remain hopeful that maybe if house kept on living he would maybe get a prosthetic and try to continue doing what he loves with a fake id or something. still grieving, but for wilson now, not his leg. but at the same time that sounds like, a little too hopeful, and i don't think wilson has that kind of faith on house, faith that he would be able to go on without being even More Miserable. so maybe in his head he knows it's the right thing to say, to ask him to "continue living", but i don't think he would be able to actually do it, and neither would he straight up ask house to Die (he already did that, and i think twice might be too much for wilson's conscience, this time it would be 100% guaranteed that house would die) because it's selfish. right? and just how fucked up is it to ask someone to die for you (again, because it really wasn't about amber was it, house didn't do it because of amber, he did it for wilson.)

one of the traits you can stamp on wilson's forehead is that he is the opposite of selfish, you look up selfless and there's a picture of him next to the definition, but he also kinda sucks. he's selfish in the most unexpected of ways, so i think he would probably do nothing. not bring up the topic at all. just let time pass. leave it unsaid. because he's not asking house to die for him, but he's also not stopping him from doing so.

i think house would notice, because of course he would notice, it's a conversation he probably expected to have with wilson as soon as they checked in inside their first motel. a whole sermon and everything. but like! it did not happen, and it will never happen.

it's both selfish and selfless, which i think sums up their relationship a little too well. because it's easy to say it's all about house, but it's also about wilson, and how wilson likes feeling needed, likes enabling him. he surely must have noticed years ago how unhealthy being so codependent is but he didn't stop it, because he likes it! because he has fun with house! they don't know how to exist without the other anymore, so, isn't it only logical they die together? asking house to kill himself when he dies seems cruel, since he would technically be doing it because of wilson, but also—isn't it kinder, in a way, to finally let him stay on the bus?

[sayakxmi]

[Magi reread] Night 36: The Fog Troupe

This deserves to be here. Look at him go.

I might be overthinking it, but it resembles Amon's silhouette.

Heh. Fire Demon.

Y'know. Bc the djinns are based on demons from The Lesser Key of Solomon? Ha? Ok, I'll just shut up.

Alibaba should be given more chances to actually look hot. Like, bro.

You know? Fair.

Oh, so that's what happened. Yea, having Amon gave them a better chance at escaping, so they could absolutely get more bold. And associating the Fog Troupe with a guy that can summon a FIre Tornado... Yea, very understandable freakout.

"reduced to a thief" shut the fuck up.

Oh, yeah, definitely Cassim's idea.

Also, what's your problem with thieves? Your goddamn adviser is an ex-assassin, but a THIEF is too much? Didn't you also condone stealing like a chapter or two ago? With these starving people? But NOW it's a problem?

So, I don't want to write a tw again, but in very short, the SML Brothers saved a woman from being SA'ed, so I guess they're relatively decent. Well, slavery is ok, but they draw the line here, I guess.

Oh, finally, the Fan problem addressed.

Overall, lot's of talking abt how things are going. Short answer: bad. "This country has no gold currency left."

Sus person, and then the meeting. Also, holy shit, look at Alibaba at the top. He's literally drawn in a way like he's shining there. I wonder how that building looks, is there a hole/window at the top? Was it just for aesthetic reasons that Ohtaka made it look like this, or was it also part of whatever the fuck Cassim was trying to achieve? In this case, same as before - look at Alibaba, all of you. Look at him, and not the person controlling him from the shadows.

Ughhh. That bitch.

It's a threat. As in, the three are absolutely threatening them, I just feel it, y'know? It's, like, a challenge. You sure want to try us? And anyway, Cassim looks almost friendly, and Alibaba looks menacing, which we know they neither actually is. Though, to be fair, as long as they aren't nobles, Cassim might look at them a little more favorably, so, honestly, they might not be threatening them. But it still feels like a threat. But, like, maybe I'm biased, maybe it isn't...

Anyway, this is how my brain works, heh

Alibaba can be scary when he tries to.

I don't know, it's kinda funny that they'll later end up helping Alibaba out just because. Like, I genuinely don't remember when did their attitude change. I'm genuinely curious.

THERE IT IS. We find out SO EARLY that Alibaba's just following Cassim, but I'll have you one better soon.

No, he's not.

Like, I had to put them all for photo limit reasons, but also bc of how damn important all of it is. We find out SO EARLY that Cassim is emotionally manipulating Alibaba. Where do I even begin in all of this!

Cassim is an insane character. As in, it's the type you hate for 98% of the arc, and then you fucking cry for him, and these early moments always remind me WHY you start off by hating the guy. He's using their shared past to keep Alibaba around, to have him lie and do what Cassim tells him to do. He speaks about the children, he appeals to Alibaba and his own childhood, and Alibaba's a deeply empathetic person, of course it works. Then he makes a point that it has to be Alibaba who helps them, nobody else. And even guilt trips him numerous times in the conversation. You're the one who left (you abandoned us, chose royalty over family), make sure these children won't die like my (our) sister (you weren't there when that happened, you did NOTHING, even though you were in the palace). I BEG you, stay with me and let's fight together like we used to (you are the one who wants to stay, so I'll let you, but only if you help me).

Like, god. it was intense. And the worst part is - Alibaba knows. He knows that Cassim is manipulating him, and he knows that their current relationship is dangerously conditional. If he doesn't do what Cassim tells him to do, he'll be kicked out at best, and then what? Then he'll be alone, and what about Balbadd? What about these children? What can he do, then? Cassim's the idea person, he's always been the one in charge between the two of them. How can he help Balbadd without Cassim?

All of this is so painful, man. Have some Alibaba failing to smoke.

Bro, don't worry, it's healthier that way.

Bro, I'm so sad ;_;

: (

Lmao.

Scary.

This is still hilarious.

Ouch

I still wonder what the hell is his scent.

He looks so sad, actually.

Man, he's such an emotional wreck this entire arc, god.

You know, I absolutely support your judgement Morgiana, but also, sometimes people don't want to talk about things.

It's a semi-joke, Morgiana wouldn't be prying if there was no good reason for it.

Aaaand, the image limit, of course, so we're skipping Alibaba being sexist. Tho, to be fair, it sounded like his last resort argument, shitty as it was, and Morgiana justifiably just looked at him. Dunno, I always wonder how serious Alibaba's sexism is, because, frankly, it appears... maybe three times? Also, twice towards Morgiana, and one towards Toto in some extra. Actually, maybe four, but it's 3 with Morgiana, then. It's actually my bone to pick with their relationship (well, one of many), because as much as I love Alibaba, and I am mostly indifferent to Morgiana, I don't like the way Ohtaka makes him treat her at times, and I think she deserves better. And it's just so weird, he doesn't treat Kougyoku like that, for example. It's not like it's something about strong women, because Kougyoku could beat his ass for sure... and also he actually finds Morgiana & her strength awesome. I dunno. It'll probably take me some time to figure out my thoughts about it. Idk, it might be something internalized (given the period they live in, it's a possibility), or maybe he's just repeating after people... actually, now that I'm thinking, his wording sounded like something Sinbad would've said, ngl, and Sinbad is kinda sexist, so maybe it's all connected... How much does he mean it, though? Idk, I'm thinking abt that scene in the Final Arc after they argued (eh, we'll get there), and how he's like I won't apologize to a woman (which is weird, bc he apologized to Kougyoku earlier that arc, my mind tells me it happened twice, but I'm not sure - at least once for not telling her about Zepar), but when Morgiana gets there they both apologize, so he isn't actually "above apologizing to a woman", it's more like he was searching for an excuse, and chose the simplest option... and then didn't even follow on what he'd himself said. So, like, he's saying sexist stuff at times, but doesn't actually believe it???? Maybe???? I don't fucking know, man.

I deleted some earlier photo to fit in this one, bc it's hilarious. Morgiana takes none of this bullshit. And I find Alibaba's face when she grabs him adorable. I mean, in the last panel it's funny & cute, too.

[chxckens]

some life updates... this is a big chunky post, just for those who care abt what’s happening w me. i feel like a dvd player

i had a difficult conversation with my mother yesterday where i was able to explain how difficult working has been for me with my health conditions and how i’ve been struggling to keep things like stable income for rent and health insurance because of it. like, i’m on long-term disability leave from work right now but i’m not even sure that i’ll be able to return to working full-time in the same capacity because of my health. and it isn’t a matter of finding a better job or a more flexible job- no employer likes that i keep growing tumors and getting cancer. like, that’s not a particularly good trait for an employee. legally they can’t fire me for it but i feel terrible not being a reliable employee because of it, it makes me feel like shit (even though my self-worth shouldn’t be derived from how Good a worker i am. i know this.)

my mom was taken aback somehow by how deeply it has been affecting me (of course it has. i’m always stressed.) and she actually literally said, “i think that we- that i- have been holding you to impossible standards considering your circumstances.” and that meant a lot. she said, “no, you don’t have to be financially independent right now, fuck it. i have money, move back home for now and let’s just make life comfortable for you.” i can’t explain how surreal it was to hear all that from her because she’s always been the one pushing me to Be Normal (work full-time, live independently, etc.) but i think i got through to her yesterday about how impossible this all feels.

it’s just, like- at this point i have had three separate cancers and i am only 28 years old. i will likely have more cancers down the road because of my genetic disorder. the three cancers isn’t even counting the benign brain tumor i had last december, that was a fucking freebie. nothing about the life i’m living is normal and it was killing me trying to work forty hours a week and keep house and take care of myself on top of all the medical misery.

so like....

i’m not HAPPY about having to live with my mom again ‘cause we don’t cohabitate super well (i love my mother dearly! but i would say this to her face and she would agree- we are both hermits and like having our own space) but there’s a wing of her condo that she’s fixing up that has its own entrance/exit so i can have like. a mini apartment in her condo. hopefully we can figure out enough systems that’ll make it manageable

it is a fucking miserable bummer to have to constantly curb my mother’s plans. she bought some land out in michigan and has plans to build a house out there and she’s been so excited about it and talking about it constantly and i’ve seen the land too, it’s lovely. but now she says she might sell it so she can take care of me. and that’s fucking wretched it makes me want to cry again to think about. but she reassures me, says that the money is better spent closer to home right now. on me. i don’t want her to sell the plot, i told her i’d move out there with her but she thinks it’s too far away from any major medical center for me to live there. because i have my perpetual ball and chain wherever i move- i have to be near a hospital. a cancer center, preferably.

but i can’t complain because it’s huge that she’d be willing to help me survive without working like i have been. and she’ll help me pay for health insurance that isn’t employer-sponsored so i don’t, like, die... that’s huge for me... definitely don’t want to die....

it does make me nauseous, of course, in a survivor’s guilt type of way- i am hyperaware of the fact that the only reason i have this option is because i come from a family with money and that my mother is offering it. i am fully aware of the fact that i would have died several times over if not for the fact that my mother happens to be sitting on enough money to care for me when i’ve been sick and out of work. having grown up with that wealth, it wasn’t until i got cancer for the first time that i was truly radicalized, politically. the system is horrific and even with my immense privilege it is still impossible to navigate when you’re sick/disabled. none of you need me to tell you this, but it is on my mind a lot, especially when it feels like i’m getting handouts like this

so, y’know, there’s a lot of guilt/shame here. and i’m trying to remind myself that this isn’t “giving up” it’s “finding a way to live that doesn’t feel like torture.” i think this is the only decision i can make right now?

i’ll start packing up my stuff and get rid of a bunch of it so that i can fit in my mom’s space. that’s prolly the first step here. the rest, we’ll figure out, i guess? i still feel queasy and like crying about this to be honest. being on my period probably isn’t helping LMAO