#guys its been like a year of drawing this asshole and i still dont understand how to draw wings 😭😭

[the-other-soup]

uhh i domt have anything funny to say today lmao

happy crimmas eve

[kaleidosouls]

SU reclaimed pearl rambles

im gonna use some annoying comments i got on my reclaimed pearl as a springboard for what i think could be interesting discussion because i think its good to engage with criticism/different opinions. but also if you talk to me like an asshole i want you to fuck off and i promised i wouldnt engage in that kind of stuff bc its not good for me and it doesnt Look good for me either.

so i can talk about my thoughts but not engage directly, win win. its been months but im still really fond of the pearl i made specially this art. like it coudl be better but i like it well enough. just a little header so this isnt a boring post with only text

i think like, its good to establish ground rules that like, i think most of the poor reactions ive seen towards my art were missing, mostly in bad faith probably but in case theres ppl who earnestly want to understand. actually maybe i can format it like a little FAQ even though theyre not frequent or asked lskdjg just for outlining my points. ill put it behind a cut but ill frontline w this: if youre a fan of pearl in the show, this content is not for you. youre allowed to like whatever you want and so am i. if you like her, we probably wont get along and you probably will feel very personally irritated by how i FEEL about her, so just walk away now. im not gonna engage with petty shit taht juts boils down to 'im mad you dont like what i like'

onwards to more rambling / sorta responding to some criticism

i scrolled back and i guess i sorta never have actually done a proper full explanation post about this AU have i? or maybe i have and deleted it, i forgor

why did you change pearl?

because i hate her, simple as. i went from a huge SU fan to hating watching it (i did finish) and pearl is probably The biggest reason why, as like issues with her character seep into other aspects of the show that i also hate. like i mean i Realyl hate her. she makes the experience of watching the show really irritating and miserable for me. if you dont feel taht way about her thats totally normal and whatever but no one is gonna change my experience and feelings that i had watching SU since the 1st season was coming out.; anyway answering. there is a Lot i love about SU and want to engage with, so i had the idea of like,maybe ill just change pearl, cause i wanted to delete her, really, but she is one of the main characters and she hasa function as a character that you cant just do away with. essentially im just like, some guy, who draws, coping and trying to reclaim his teenage investimetn in this show. literally its just for ME. but if anyone else feels like i do, then they can enjoy it too. if somoene doesnt feel like i do, go watch like pearl fancams or smth. like ill never be able to literlaly change the show as it is, like its happened, and its a tragedy im trying to move on from (begrudgingly)

why do you hate pearl?

the long laundry list of reasons are probably apparent in the ways i remade her lol (theyre not i can tell ppl are gonna project whatever worst bad faith reason for any change i make) but tbh the core of it is this, which is like, beyond whatever traits she has and whatever: she reminds me of my abusers. always had, from season 1, but like it became worse as the series went on. its like really infurating and upsetting to watch SU bc of her. had my abusers been a different kind of person, maybe i wouldnt hate her so much (kinda doubt tbh). like her personality and behavior are like hough disgosting!!

why did you change (some physical trait about her design)?

i dont really necessarily have a PROBLEM with canon pearls design. over the years ive come to like SU's style less and less but like, gestures, whatever. like i didnt like it or anything but its not like a bit deal compared to the actual offender that is her personality and behavior. the reason i redesigned her at all is bc like, if i hadnt, i would still be thinking about the way she is in canon all the time. like ive visually associated her like, appearance with all the shit about her thta makes me upset so i had to so she didnt look like the same person anymore, and i can try to let go of some of the hatred in my heart. like i want to think about the thigns about SU that i loved and also the potential i always saw in it and canon pearl is like, an active obstacle to that, to the point taht i cant even see her without getting like irked. i tried to keep enough similar traits so from a glance youd be like, who the fuck- is that pearl? rather than like. completely change her entirely to whatever i wanted. i do want to like, its a creative exercise. i want to try and change the things that would make me happy to see gone but try to work within the constraints of the SU we Did get as much as i can tolerate. bc like.... if the sky was the limit then at this poin wed just have to throw the whole thing away and start from scratch. like its kinda not really very salvageable, like im not rewirting SU to be like a Good show or fix Everything, its kinda too broken. im just chnaging enough so i can look at the actual show, screenshots, songs etc, and not feel overcome wtih like the grief and irriatation of how much it sucked ass. its just so i can enjoy more of it again

i dont like your redesign for (insert reason)

cool. thanks for your input. youre welcome! eat my asshole. seriously though, like, shrugs. i didnt make it for anyone other than myself. tbh im not fully satisfied with it either bc i think the SU style is kinda ugly, so im at a crossroads. should i mostly abandon the SU style? ive like, tested out tweaking things, it mightve been noticeable in screenshot redraws. drawing within the SU style is to create that coping 'oh it was totally like this haha' vibe but maybe im old enough to not need that anymore lol. like ive heard ppl say shit like shes ugly, or like sneakily trying to imply im like, got some agenda over beauty or racism etc. like whatever, think whatever you want, its not for you. go back to sucking up to rebecca or smth like i cant take the og pearl away from you still i am open for like that kind of criticism like, do i have personal biases affecting my design decisions? probably. i do try to keep aware of why im choosing certain things, but really in this case i cant emphasize enough how like, irritating it is that i have to change her design at all. like its hard to come up w smth else when the rest of the cast ahs already been design to balance off the og pearl. i probably wouldnt change almost anything if the sight of her didnt piss me the fuck off! most of all i kinda wouldve preferred to keep her hair short bc it messes up the sillouete but it makes me think too much of canon pearl so i made it long :/ i was like let me tell you my design thought process: -im gonna try to keep as many recognizable traits about her design while taking away bit by bit until she doesnt look like the og pearl to me anymore and i dont feel angry seeing her. pearl is lanky, tall, spindly, with a gem on the forehead, blue white pink yellow pastel colors, large pointed nose. i kinda tried to keep these traits while slightly tweaking their design until she looked different enough. is it a good design? eh idk. like the purpose is to make me not hate her and it does that job

now this hate comment im gonna grace with keeping it intact except removing the person bc its not about them. its like, a very stupid ass headed comment but im actually kind of interested in like,jumping off of it to ponder some things

im not heterosexual or cis enough to know what exactly wife bate means in this context so im gonna like guess, that maybe i could extract this q from that reply (also not looking like shes from steven universe is a compliment thanks)

you took away her personality and made her boring

the only thing i can assume is that like, some people must interpret the absence of an assholey personality or like abusive behavior is 'boring'. i know thats a really bad faith assumption but like, if ive written down a bunch of personality traits and you still come out saying thats 'no personality' what am i to make of that lol. based on my experience like Existing online, people tend to often call nice characters 'boring', like dude ive done it before, but i think im kinda over that edgy phase. also again, its for me and not for you so if you think shes boring, thanks for your input i dont care. but thinkign about it earnestly, i dfeintely dont want to make a character thats just no flaw and not interesting ofc, i havent done that with reclaimed pearl. that being said i havent like, probably written a lot demonstrating what i want her to be like instead of the canon pearl so, maybe ppl just are feeling lost with the lack of information.

personally, if i hear someone thinks a character is boring bc theyre not abusive anymore like, nothing of value has been lost. but characters do need flaws in order to create conflict and cause things to happen, like in a way canon pearl is like All flaw, which wouldnt be a problem except she gets away wtih all the horrible shit she did. heres some traits i want to explore with reclaimed pearl, some are similar to canon i just wanna go about it a different way: being overprotective/possessive to steven in a smothering way, projecting abandonment issues, not reaching out/communicating her emotions properly, lacking indepedence/self worth, depending on others to avoid confronting her own issues, being very passive and insecure and lacking initiative (this being the totally opposite trait that canon pearl has), stunting stevens development due to her not being ready for him to grow up and not need her anymore. and more, this is just from the top of my head. maybe thats still too 'boring' for ppl because shes not being selfish and inconsiderate enough to others so you can relate to her but i dont care :p

gosh how do i go about like, presenting the content i ahve in my head for this AU).. i cantjust remake the whole damn show. i would if i could, tbh

i have concerns about racist implications wrt (insert thing here about my redesign)

imma be frank. i dont know how to compltely 'clean up' any possible bad associations wrt pearl as a character given how like, rebecca has literally like, made her to be a slave in love with her slave owner and made it to be like, an uwu ideal lesbiab thing for most of the show until they tried to pretend no we understood the flaws in this dynamic all along and its bad actually , uhh, anyway shows over haha

ill say the main reason i changed her skintone is, bc that would be the like most instant way to make her look differnt from canon (which is vital for me for the reasons said above), and i did consider like, does this make the whole thing worse, or, ?? like, as they made it in the show, techincally All the gems are slaves to the diamonds, arent they? including all the very totally progressive poc based gems including and specially the ones who are made to be understood as black women. bruh like idk what to tell you this show is just fuckig bad sdlgkj like its just way too like, pervasive in my teen years forme to throw the baby w the bathwater entirely. and ill just straight up say it, like, im not a specialist on these topics nor do i hav ea position of authority to speak on about it. like the pearls read more clearly as slaves (very intentionally by the showrunners) bc they are meant to be subservient to gems Other than diamonds. and also bc they like fit in the stereotype of housemaid servant. like the rubies being made to just be forced to go and fight like they are slaves too, they have no rights and no like, authority to disobey or autonomy. but fsr like, slavery as in physical labor just doesnt immeidately set off ppls alarms as much as housework slavery does fsr.

i can only rly like change the canon so much and try to like, tweak things so it doesn feel as gross but i think for it to be cmpletely not insneistive at all youd have to throw away the whole show. and like i said, this isnt like me saying like im making the show good or as it shouldve been, im making it so I (and ppl who share my feelings about the show) can feel less shitty just thinking back to it. its just an exercise. im not like mass media im just one independent artist and shit will come out insensitve sometimes and im sorry but im also like, my art isnt meant to be representative and like, responsiuble for fixing all of society and racism like i actually cant do that. ill just do the best i can as an asian dude but like, if my work makes you upset, im sorry, but also just block me. like i cant please everyone. or like, even better, make YOUR take on pearl taht you feel would be better, like make the art you feel should exist.

this post is too damn long and id be surprised if anyone reads all of it but if you do, tahnk you! i felt kinda like ready to fight tonight so im triyng to redirect it from aggression to like, thinking. i cant guarantee im making new content for su reclaimed anytime soon but i would really like to, tbh

[freebooter4ever]

unrelated to the stick but have you seen cooking with geno?

Haaaaaaaaaaaa. I have :) i mean...what self respecting geno fangirl hasnt? If im honest i think it was the first thing with him that i watched, but i was not paying attention to him at all at all then. Aside from noticing that Fuck He's Exactly My Type If I Ever Had One and being very annoyed by it. My ADHD research spiral in the summer of 2022 went something like this: ra*ngers -> pana*rin -> russ*an red w*ngs -> larion*ov...and then i side tracked over to alyonka's mental health/ E*D*O videos, and then her podcast which also interviewd several hockey players including her brother (which are really interesting btw)...tldr i actually watched that video more curious about alyonka than geno, cause in her more current stuff she talks a lot about those early 2000's days and what it was like working in the league as a woman. Unfortunately for geno at that point the only thing i knew about him was that he was on the penguins and that he said some shit in one interview about bread, and i had already decided based on that and his instgrm that he looked like an asshole. I cannot find that interview quote about breadman, for all i know it could have all been made up, but it reaaaaally made me dislike him. So the first time i watched the video i was doing my best to ignore geno and pretend like he wasnt radiating attractiveness. My one conclusion about that video and a few other old pens videos with alyonka (and not geno but other players) i watched was that i was surprised how much more informal things used to be. She felt very casual and more like a friend to the players than the more professional style interviews i have seen while watching this stuff live now.

And if none of that research spiral makes sense just be grateful you dont have ADHD.

ANYWAY then lucky for geno he features in my favorite hockey photo ever - that one of him sitting on the boards with the snow and baby blue jersey. So i had to draw that photo, and then i started paying more attention to him that season, and watched that dan and sushi interview, and realized shit i might have been wrong about this guy. And maybe my change of heart only has a little to do with his Very Pretty Eyes.

And moooooonths (a year?) later i finally rewatched the cooking with geno video and had to basically admit that my initial gut instinct of Oh Shit He's Hot reaction remained the same. He's a terrible cook, somehow even worse than me which is saying something cause i'm really fucking bad at it myself. But his physicality/personality rather shines in the clip. (i have heard people say he was sexualizing or staring at alyonka??? It doesnt look like that to me, they just seemed very comfortable with one another and maybe a little teasing but im not the best at recognizing flirting etc). Young Geno's got that same confidence/swagger as old(er) geno that in most guys would come across as arrogant but with him it's very quiet and understated. He makes a lot of dumb jokes. Even on my second viewing i still didnt understand the basketball joke. He didn't talk much but there were a lot of shy smiles. He reminded me a lot of my old friend ethan in attitude and height - just like how he kind of awkwardly looms in the background at times, and how all his obvious strength is sort of soft in a gentle way. He also seemed like a guy very willing to listen, which was cute. But -and this might be me projecting. But sometimes when people try to 'teach' me how to cook i play dumb just so i can check out and not use my brain and let them do all the thinking and tell me exactly what i need to do. Its very lazy and i recognize this but sometimes my brain is tired. And i swear geno was maybe doing that to alyonka at times. Like i think his effort in the video was at most 70%. Maybe 50%. It takes one lazy cook to know another one. And i am a very lazy cook.

Sorry anon, ive been cleaning and working all day so you got more than you asked for, basically a character study, whoops.

Oh, also on the second rewatch i realized the weird short grimlin who only appeared to eat the food and then disappeared was tanger. I did NOT recognize him. I still cant really believe thats him.

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley, Calliope, Roxy Lalonde

Meat, page 19

JADE: so you see janes neoliberal austerity measures—

JADE: as i outlined here in graph b-2

JADE: and here in figure a-6

JADE: and here!!! in this very spooky drawing i dictated to callie

JADE: (great drawing by the way!!!)

CALLIOPE: ^u^

JADE: —will no doubt lead to a whole bunch of ugly societal backlashes

JADE: not just in economic terms but on a number of other more serious vertices that weve been lucky enough to avoid on new earth so far

ROXY: u dont say

JADE: i DO say!!!

JADE: the thing is that jane is an establishment leader

JADE: shes looking at doing things the way our old universes did them

JADE: shes pretty convinced that shes going to be able to replicate the capitalist hierarchies that earth had but in a more “responsible” way

JADE: but none of that stuff actually worked!!!!!

ROXY: and u think karkat can do better?

JADE: i think its worth it to give him a chance

JADE: hes a leader of the people AND hes experienced firsthand what happens when establishment goes too far

JADE: which i imagine you can sympathize with!

JADE: and!!

JADE: that’s my pitch!!!!

CALLIOPE: i’m...

CALLIOPE: going to get Us tea and snacks. woUld yoU like some, jade?

JADE: oh

JADE: yeah sure

CALLIOPE: any preferences?

JADE: ummm pumpkin matcha if you have it

CALLIOPE: of coUrse. i’ll be right back.

JADE: soooo..........

JADE: what do you think?

ROXY: hmmmm

ROXY: well i gotta say

ROXY: this has been a hella convincing argument all in all

ROXY: buuuuut idk if i can help u out

JADE: what????

JADE: why not?!

ROXY: i just dont rly

ROXY: care about politics that much i guess

ROXY: also this election is all kinds of personal

ROXY: i mean if i came into ur house and asked u to make some grand political w/e against your bff

ROXY: would you be all

ROXY: oh yea totes sign me tf up

ROXY: im alls ABOUT the sowing of discord among my childhood friends

JADE: siiiigh let me guess

JADE: dirk got to you first

ROXY: not even

ROXY: i got no problem tellin dirk where to stick it lmao

ROXY: but dirks not the one running

JADE: you think hes NOT the one pulling the strings behind the scenes?

ROXY: sure but give janey a lil credit

ROXY: shes got more moxie and ambition in her pinky than the rest of us got all together

ROXY: shes been planning this for years

ROXY: but shes yknow

JADE: ruthless? :B

ROXY: *fragile*

ROXY: shes gotta be miss perfect all the time for the billboards n press meetings

ROXY: always wearin those power suits trying to look like a big bad bitch

JADE: you mean like....... the condesce?

ROXY: wow ouch

JADE: im not just imagining it though, right???

JADE: you see it too

JADE: not to dredge up something horrible from your history

JADE: but her whole image is just kinda...... *woof*

ROXY: is that what you guys think?

ROXY: u and dave and karkat?

JADE: well...

JADE: yeah

ROXY: well janes not perfect

ROXY: and idk if shell be a good president

ROXY: but shes not betty crocker

ROXY: and i luv her and i dont wanna hurt her feelings

ROXY: and thats p much all there is to say on the matter

JADE: fiiiiine

JADE: i understand

JADE: callie what about you?

CALLIOPE: oh, i’d rather stay Uninvolved, thank yoU.

JADE: :(

CALLIOPE: i feel like interfering in both politics and a personal argUment between my friends woUld be impolite as well as kind of... stressfUl, to be honest.

JADE: yeah

JADE: sorry callie i probably shouldnt have put all that on you

CALLIOPE: less apologizing, more snacking!

JADE: wow callie youre such an amazing hostess!

JADE: hehehe roxy youre so lucky to have her

ROXY: psst not “her,” “them”

JADE: oh

JADE: oh!!!!!!

JADE: oh wow!

JADE: im sorry i didnt mean to be uh... culturally insensitive?

JADE: have i just been stupidly calling you a girl for years like a big fat dummy??

JADE: oh nooooo! im such an asshole!!!!!

CALLIOPE: yoU are absolUtely not an asshole!

CALLIOPE: i didn’t mind being called a girl. i still don’t really mind, it’s jUst not exactly... accUrate.

CALLIOPE: bUt i did take comfort in “being a girl” for a very long time. this is something i’ve only recently decided.

ROXY: yea...!

ROXY: m-me too actually

JADE: you??

ROXY: o yeah we are both a “they” household now

ROXY: package deal thing

ROXY: things r nonbinary as fuck around here

JADE: really?

ROXY: yup

ROXY: well

ROXY: i mean thats probably a dumb and bad way to say it dont tell anyone i said it that way rofl

ROXY: but yeah thats about whats goin on

ROXY: wow that felt good to say aloud man

ROXY: ahah hahaha hell of a way to come out

JADE: its ok

JADE: i dont wanna make you uncomfortable

ROXY: i know

JADE: but i am curious!

JADE: if you need to talk about it i mean

ROXY: maybe

ROXY: callie and i have been talkin about it a lot

ROXY: unpackin all kinda baggage w/ their alien stuff and my human stuff

ROXY: and so i got to thinking

ROXY: what even is gender

ROXY: amirite lol?

JADE: oh yeah

JADE: that makes sense i guess........

JADE: so youre uh

JADE: not...... “doing gender” anymore??

ROXY: ya i guess not lmfao

ROXY: i mean that was all stuff from our old universe

ROXY: whyd we even bring it here right?

JADE: right

CALLIOPE: my ideas aboUt gend—

CALLIOPE: —er were entirely inflUenced by my time watching earth.

CALLIOPE: i sUppose i only thoUght of myself as a girl because my, Um...

CALLIOPE: my brother took mascUlinity qUite serioUsly.

CALLIOPE: by which i mean, he became very enthUsiastic aboUt all the things it sUpposedly meant to be a boy.

CALLIOPE: cherUb existence is dichotomoUs, bUt not in the same way hUman biology is.

CALLIOPE: i sUppose oUr view of hUman cUlture indirectly inflUenced alternia’s development, which in tUrn affected yoUrs, which is something i’ve had a lot of time to think aboUt since we came here.

CALLIOPE: it’s all so very circUitoUs and arbitrary.

ROXY: yeah exactly!

ROXY: like when u think about it...

ROXY: so much of what earth c thinks what boys and girls “SHOULD” do comes straight from the imagination of a bunch of dumb teens

ROXY: which is totally FUCKED

JADE: sure

ROXY: i mean what am i gonna do

ROXY: get married and pop out 100 bbs?

JADE: uh... no???

ROXY: exactly

ROXY: i mean once upon a time i guess i thought about that

ROXY: but i dont think its what i really wanted

ROXY: i just liked the idea of me and dirk makin some smart ass awesome kids together

ROXY: cuz i liked the idea of dirk

ROXY: and also literally no one else on the entire planet was alive at the time

ROXY: but we had some babies without even bein consulted about it anyway so w/e

JADE: your kids ARE pretty cool

ROXY: i KNOW right?

JADE: personally im a big fan!

JADE: i...

JADE: i.........

ROXY: jade?

ROXY: o shit

CALLIOPE: is she okay?

ROXY: idk

ROXY: get a cloth from the kitchen! and some water!

CALLIOPE: okay! i’ll be right back!

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

(Note: All of these asks are before episode 206 (Season 2 finale) so some may be dated.) 1. lmao the episodes right before the mid season finale look way better than the current ones despite time off. how is that even possible.

2. nah but its funny rachel was like wait i cant have him send demeter's a baby shower gift and cut minthe off financially thatll make him look bad! but instead adding him being AWARE shes 19 and still chasing after her "tiny pink body" and "ass shaped like an upside down heart" and having him brag about owning countless slaves makes him look better? the logic is flawless here /sarcasm

3. I mean even beyond the fact the citizens dont like him nor do the old underworld gods, how does rachel expect us to buy hades causing economical collapse in ALL the realms and causing shit with the other kings over ONE PERSON HE KNEW A MONTH doesn't make him look like an thin-skinned, oppressive dictator? why should anyone support this? he's raging out like trump when he lost the 2020 election. just because rachel keeps insisting hes in the right doesnt actually mean he is.

4. Fp- is the joke with the fur supposed to be funny? Cause it wasn't. It just shows 1 AGAIN(after buying stuff while complaining about capitalism) that Perse is a hypocrite, she knows it & doesn't care 2 Hades doesn't really care about animals beside his dogs, it's just adding to him being horrible person. If the fur was artificial she wouldn't feel bad about wearing it & it would be mentioned. Also feelings since 4th day? Creepy. Definitely that girl understands you the most after 4 days...

5. how could olympus and the underworld turn into a shitshow after persephone left? literally tho, she should have been a nobody. all the citizens should only know is that 1) hades ripped a guys eye out for her and 2) she killed humans and didn't report it to zeus. if anything, the citizens should've believed persephone deserved to be punished, and that hades is an immature manchild for what he pulled in the court,,,

6. Why doesn’t Cerberus have three heads. I’m sure this has been asked before but how you gonna write Cerberus without three heads—the one defining trait this dog has. Where are the other heads. Where are they

7. this is such a minor thing but WHY ARE NONE OF THE EYES IN LO LINED UP PROPERLY. I have a lazy eye and if I don't focus on it long enough it can go out of focus/look elsewhere, but I don't think that's what happening?? Why are their eyes always looking in different directions 😭

8. what I don't think Rachel gets this, but having Persephone and Hades cling to someone they barely know from a decade+ ago shows a huge lack of mental and emotional maturity on their ends. I realize it's a bit more complicated because we do know they end up together, but that's why placing it before they even start dating is just a bad idea. This isnt a case of lovers/spouses longing to see each other again, it's two grown adults with the emotional maturity of 15 year olds.

9. Rachel don't draw women with heart shaped faces, hourglass bodies, and huge eyes challenge (impossible for her specifically difficulty)

10. why would hebe even want to be like her mom anyway? hera was emotionally and mentally neglectful of her, abandoned her so zeus presumably raised her himself, and hera is a hypocritical, racist jerk who cheats on her husband, is misogynistic to other women, openly married zeus for power, told others about persephone's assault without her consent, mistreats her own "friend", and abuses her power of everyone else. rachel really wants us to buy she's a ~complicated woman~ over just being an asshole.

[thehoardofthegreatdragon]

Urahara Kisuke: "Come on baby, I know the law" But Actually Illegal

Hello and welcome to Coco has Too Many Feelings Hour. Today, it’s a character analysis of Urahara Kisuke because what gave him the fucking right to be so cool? WHAT GAVE HIM THE RIGHT?

Anyway. This is going to be half based on his dialogue, and half based on general action patterns, since both are damn interesting. There will be spoilers for most things but I’ll try to keep things after the Aizen arc vague. Also, it should go without saying that this is all my interpretation and very biased (extra biased because I Love Him). 

[AKA: This is like, just my opinion, man.]

Now before we begin can we just pause to appreciate how beautiful he is? If you haven’t, stare at this picture for at least a minute. Go on, I’ll time you. 

Now we can move on. 

Kisuke is, in a word, complicated. If I had to describe him (and considering that’s the point of this entire goddamn document, I better try), I’d say he’s a man with unstoppable curiosity and a heart that is far too soft to handle the fallout of his own invention. 

No matter where you put him, no matter what time he’s born into, he will create a weapon he shouldn’t have. He has this strange bit of naïveté about his science at first, but it fades as he sees what his science has done to people he cares for. He has a good heart-- a soft heart, under it all-- so he can’t just accept the damage he’s done and move on. He turns that genius to invention, so that he can fix the things he broke. He wants to help everyone he can, because he hurt so many. 

But that doesn’t ever make the guilt go away, and it doesn’t stop him from using people when he has to— we see this happen with Ichigo in the Soul Society invasion arc. Kisuke uses him to achieve his goals, but he is far from happy about it and apologizes afterwards. 

Alright, into the meat of his character. I’m going to skim over the fact that he is arguably one of the strongest characters in the entire show, a man who plans for every eventuality compulsively because he understands that people die in battle (people die when they are killed), and so intelligent that he was one of the few people Aizen actually was wary of. I’m skimming it, because otherwise this already too long essay would be three times as long and wax rhapsodic about every way that he is, in fact, an incredible badass. 

[IM SKIPPING IT FOR ALL OUR SAKES OKAY.] 

He will and does help people, but he’s very guarded. It makes a terrible kind of sense, because he worked in the Omnitsukidō, and I don’t think anyone can come out of a spy and assassination agency without some jadedness. The exile doesn’t help either, because now he’s been forced to deal with the fallout from a betrayal and the loss of his home too. 

That being said, the exile also made him more of his own man. Freer, in many ways. More able to be the eccentric self he wants to, better adapted to life, more likely to see how people could use him and less likely to let it happen. I think the living world suits him in a way that Soul Society never really did. 

At his core he's a good person, but he built walls upon walls around himself. And those walls never come down, and some of them are mirrors, and some of them are smokescreens that don’t look like walls, because he can never be simple and he doesn’t want to be understood. And even if someone does see part of who he is, he wants them to only see that particular part. 

He is an eccentric free spirit whose drive for invention cost him more dearly than anything else. His will to create, his truest self— the scientist, with inventions to make and the world to explore— started a war. It ruined the lives of people he wanted to be friends, and people who were friends. 

And as a scientist, that’s the greatest blow of all. It’s like Oppenheimer and the atomic bomb. He created a weapon he couldn’t control, but he did it with something he loved with his whole heart. It hurts twice as deeply, when it comes from love. 

He’s also a follower more than a leader. Kisuke is the support type, for all his fighting skill— he’s ready with backup plans and transportation and research, but he needs a person to follow into battle. For a long time that was Yoruichi. Then he stood on his own as a captain, but the way he did it was by structuring his division into a support division rather than a truly fighting one (his own way of coping with new leadership, imo. He turned the 12th into the division he wanted it to be, rather than really learning how to lead a fighting division). 

Then he had to stand on his own, in exile, and he did. I imagine this was mostly fueled by guilt and determination, because he had to fix the mess he had helped create and defeat Aizen. But even still, he still kept to the shadows and planned Aizen’s downfall, rather than stepping on the battlefield and doing it himself (for many reasons, of course— Aizen was still in Soul Society’s good graces and it would have been suicide, Kisuke is not a foolish man who would throw away the best chance at success for a fight). 

And at last, he chose Ichigo to follow. But this is doubly interesting because at first he is uses Ichigo to achieve his goals. Supposedly, Kisuke himself couldn’t have gone to Soul Society to rescue Rukia (because of the exile, though let’s face it Kubo’s world building doesn’t explain how Yoruichi could go so who really knows. And Kisuke being Kisuke, would have found a way into Soul Society if he thought it would help their fight against Aizen. Anyone who doesn’t believe that can see the TYBW arc and Fight Me). 

But there were many people who had a better chance of going in his stead, and many ways to save Rukia that didn’t involve a straightforward invasion. This is not to mention that Kisuke used Rukia too, with the intention of forcing Aizen’s hand. 

So when Ichigo and Kisuke first meet, he views Ichigo as a tool (and a person, because he’s a good man and never free of the guilt).  

But with each battle, we see how Kisuke trusts Ichigo more and more. This progression continues until the last battle with Aizen, and then after that Kisuke stands behind Ichigo with absolutely no hesitation. Throughout the last arc, throughout the remainder of the manga, when Ichigo needed him, Kisuke was there— with supplies, with research, with a path to Hueco Mundo, hell even with a path to the big palace up in the sky. And Kisuke trusted Ichigo absolutely— see the panel where Ichigo asks Kisuke to hold out until he gets there, and everything will be alright because Ichigo will handle it. And Kisuke’s response to that is just a smile and a single word— “Understood.” 

The trust between them is absolute. This is surprising, if you think of how few people Kisuke has really trusted over the years, and how few he trusts to this extent. 

[It’s also very interesting that of all the people Ichigo choses to tell to “wait for me,” it’s Kisuke but that’s just my loyalty kink showing up don’t mind me.]

Once the guilt of using him was gone, Kisuke could follow the leader he’d chosen. And he did, endlessly. 

On that note, Kisuke’s dialogue choice with Ichigo develops in a very interesting way. In the beginning its challenging and on the ruthless side (“don’t use her as an excuse to kill yourself,” for example), into something much more trusting and less challenging (the “understood” for instance, or the “what would you like me to do” ). This evolution tracks with the evolution of Kisuke’s changing attitude towards Ichigo. 

We move from Kisuke only promising to help when he extracts something in return (“Do you really think, there is no way to get to Soul Society? I’ll tell you, on one condition.”) to Kisuke offering to help Ichigo before being asked (“My my, you guys sure are having an interesting conversation. So, this Hueco Mundo trip. Shall I arrange it?”).

[Imagine how much literally anyone else would pay to have a scientist of Kisuke’s caliber basically on retainer. And Ichigo gets it for the low low price of absolutely free.]

All this is to say, that I think that Kisuke can and is always ready for any eventuality but that it’s only after his trust is earned by Ichigo that he gives his plans so easily to other people. He has chosen a king, so to speak. 

[Don’t call out my power kink or I will personally end you.]

Moving on to dialogue in general, we see many damn interesting patterns. Perhaps intentionally, Kisuke's a bit on a different wavelength, and no one expects the answers he gives to any questions. Its eccentricity, but honed into a weapon and very self-aware. He often interprets questions in different ways than expected, like he’s purposefully setting people off guard. 

Consider the following response he gives to an enemy in later chapters (TYBW arc): 

“Asking me such a personal question, is really more of a second date thing.”

He’s never met this person before in his life, and his response is to just, straight up flirt. THIS IS FLIRTING. KISUKE. WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING. HE’S NOT EVEN HOT. 

Anyway. In general, Kisuke has two broad categories of speech patterns: completely serious and teasing-playful-fake-humble.  Unlike many other characters who use a baiting tone and words against enemies (Frankenstein from Noblesse comes to mind as an example), Kisuke uses them on friends and enemies alike. And his tone isn’t really mocking but fake-humble and fake-playful.

Examples of this—

“Oh? You know of me. What an honor.” (Said behind fan)

“It’s wedged in their rather fatally, Yoruichi-san!” (Said to Yoruichi’s ass)

[Seriously, who does this asshole think he is? Yoruichi kicks him and I’m glad she does.]

He's very often cheerful, and usually smiling as he speaks. I’d say his eyes are the biggest giveaway to his emotion because they dont really ever soften. (And because Kubo has a Thing for drawing them covered in shadows and looking badass, see Exhibit: Oh No He’s Hot, pictured below)

In this playful mode, even when he apologizes it’s usually in a way that somehow makes it worse. He’s constantly either annoying people or throwing them off guard or a combination, but in a much more cheerful eccentric way than say, Frankenstein. For example, after he says the line above to Yoruichi (in the middle of a battle, I might add), he says this:

“Why would you kick me? I came to help. I’m sorry, perhaps the expression “wedged in” was a bit vulgar.” 

He’s managed to repeat the thing that made her kick him, in a way that almost makes it worse, but in a way that makes it seem like hes trying to apologize. It’s very clever, and also ideal for pissing people off, intentional or not. (But who are we kidding, this is Kisuke. It’s definitely intentional). 

But he can also switch to a serious mode quite quickly, seemingly able to interweave the two modes without really needing to break between them. This most often comes out when there is someone to save or protect.

[Because he's secretly a softie, as mentioned above, god I love him]

For example, when Masaki is in danger, even tho he's never met her or the soul reapers before (and when his very existence should make him avoid Isshin), he says this:

“We dont have time to waste. Both of you, please come with me. I will tell you the choices you have to save her.”

It’s to the point, succinct, polite, and also filled with a desire to save. It’s also completely at odds with his playful tone when he speaks in other times. I think this dichotomy is the core of Kisuke. Of course he's playful and eccentric— and this makes him the delightful character he is— but at his core he's a man who cares about people and wants to help. He doesn’t hesitate to apologize when he is in the wrong either, kneeling before Ichigo after the Soul Society arc and not asking for forgiveness but explaining why he is sorry. (Ichigo forgives him, because Ichigo will always forgive him, and that hurts even more). 

But even when there are threats to life, if they've been dealt with and he's in a controlled environment, he pulls out the playful act again, though it often has an edge. For example, after he saves Ichigo for the first time he says this:

“What? You sound upset. Didn’t you want to be saved?”

It’s on the edge of teasing but its also much more pointed than anything else he's said to Ichigo at this point. It’s followed by some of the rawest and cruelest lines of dialogue I’ve ever read, because Kisuke doesn’t flinch back from being harsh when he has to be. 

Even his cruelty, when he is forced to use it, comes from a place of care and a desire to help. Doesn’t stop it from stinging like hell. 

It’s at this point where I descended into crying about Kisuke and how good he was and how much I love him, and so decided to stop.

In summary: Kisuke is a good man who couldn’t stop himself from inventing the most destructive weapon to exist. But he’s a good man, and so he spent a century crafting his own penance. 

General Kisuke Dialogue I’ve collected, in case people find it useful:

Stop fighting, you two. It’s my fault, I should have disposed of it. 

We have no choice. We’ve got to find it and neutralize it before it causes any trouble. 

No way, accidents happen! Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything. There now, its okay. 

Good, let’s move! Operation “recall”

Well look here. We finally find you, and you’re already incapacitated. What a waste. We lugged all this stuff here for nothing. 

I’m going to destroy it. Hmm. I’m not sure how to answer that. 

This is serious. I won’t take the fall for you. 

No no, Kurosaki-san. Your wounds have barely closed. If you move around too much, you’ll die <3. 

Do you really think, there is no way to get to Soul Society?

I’ll tell you, on one condition. For the next ten days, you must allow me to train you. 

You don’t understand. What I’m trying to tell you is they’ll kill you.Could you win? If you fought them as you are? I allowed you to fight them this time, because I thought it would make it easier for you to understand. At your current level of ability, you wouldn’t stand a chance in soul society. You’re weak. For you to venture into enemy territory now would be suicide. You want to save Kuchiki-san? Don’t make me laugh. Don’t use her as an excuse to kill yourself. 

Of course. If you wish to save Kuchiki-san with your whole heart, then you have at your disposal a power stronger than iron. But if your resolve is half-hearted, forget it. For the next ten days, I’m going to put you through the wringer. 

What? You sound upset. Didn’t you want to be saved?

He went home. His wound bled a lot, but it wasn’t severe. 

Couldn’t you have come up with anything better? [how lame]

Looks like I was a step too late.

What would you like me to do? Shall I book a ticket to reiokyu? It may take me some time though. [to ichigo]

We dont have time to waste. Both of you, please come with me. I will tell you the choices you have to save her. 

My my, you guys sure are having an interesting conversation. So, this Hueco Mundo trip. Shall I arrange it?

[I] its usually like this with Urahara. [K] you know me too well <3

Oh? You know of me. What an honor. (Said behind fan)

To be included in such an esteemed group, I don’t know what to say. Its an honor, but he’s giving me too much credit.

It’s wedged in their rather fatally, Yoruichi-san!

Why would you kick me? I came to help. I’m sorry, perhaps the expression “wedged in” was a bit vulgar (makes fake apologies a lot)

Asking me such a personal question, is really more of a second date thing.

You see, even if I don’t tell you, you’ll be up close and personal with it soon enough.

[beerecordings]

How Did JJ get out of mirror? Did Dark think something when meeting the other septic egos?If the idea of JJ and Wilford fighting in war together is also there how would he have acted different?If we throw in the idea of it always being the DA in a date with markiplier and a heist with markiplier how would some things might been with JJ?Abe if he met JJ again or the other skeptic egos? I am sorry if I'm bothering with all this and if you dont want to answer or come with ideas to all or any its ok

no, sounds great, thanks! hey you guys know I love nothing better thannnn

AU CONJURING

plus this idea of JJ as the DA is super fun hahaha

okay so we’ve got to bring the other egos in here somewhere right? So how did he get out of the mirror? Got to be Marvin. I bet Jameson’s mirror has long since been taken out of that old mansion and, after a long string of owners reporting that it was haunted and frantically selling it, it’s fallen into the hands of magicians, but not necessarily the good kind. Marvin finds the mirror after defeating an enemy who was using his magic for dark shit that was hurting people and he confiscates all the magic stuff he has… including this strange, ghostly mirror… the other magician believed there was some sort of spirit or demon inside and he was trying to find a way to use the power, but Marvin’s just like “aw, man, something’s stuck in there :( I gotta find a way to get this poor thing out, it’s probably been years…”

It takes a lot of research to find a spell that will work. the trap that keeps JJ contained is very powerful, still tethered to the power of the mansion spirit. but during the time that Marvin is trying to figure it out, he starts to get glimpses of the shadowy figure on the other side of the mirror… until finally, he sees Jameson himself

At first, Jameson is just this silent, emotionless figure, staring at Marvin from within the mirror, his eyes peeping out like he’s peering in from a doorway, so Marvin can only see his face and his hands gripping the side of the mirror before he draws away again. Marvin keeps going “hey, wait!” and jumping up to talk to him, but then Jameson vanishes back into nothingness. he’s too used to being trapped, too used to scared people and scary magicians, so he hides most of the time. but as Marvin continues to speak soothingly to him and work on finding the right spell in the same room as him, Jameson starts to show himself.

one day he finally even waves a hello and Marvin jumps up so excited he knocks over all his magic candles and nearly sets the house on fire, which actually makes Jamie giggle. Marvin is delighted!!! slowly, shyly, Jameson starts to speak to him in sign, and Marvin starts getting to know him! before long, he invites Jackie in to say hello, and then Chase, and then finally their resident magic-doubter, Hen. within the week, they’re all working their tails off to find a way to get Jameson out of the mirror.

yes!!!! oh finally an old spell from Japan for just this sort of occasion!! it took lot of translating but they’re going to try it out! and then boom - Jamie’s out

but he’s not quite….. the same as he was.

Human beings aren’t meant to be kept like that - more spirit than physical, intersected into magic and glass, filled up with a dark brand of magic for decades on end. Jameson seems to flicker like a mirage sometimes, and sometimes, it is impossible to touch him - he is ghostly and pale, intangible. he seems to have strange powers to do with time and transportation, but they have yet to figure out the extent, and Jameson fears that the magic he took on may be corrupt and black magic, which could hurt himself or others…

but for the time being, they just do their best to figure it out, cause he’s also really weak when he comes out of the mirror!! it’s been so long since he’s had a physical form and he’s also mentally scarred from that long in a mirror, even though time doesn’t work quite the same way in there. Henrik is like “i diagnose you with what the fuck??? so just sleep a lot and we’ll feed you so much food and I’ll give you some supplements and things, maybe some oxygen if you start to feel really bad, and everybody will take turns entertaining you and talking with you and we’ll get you back in tip top shape soon. you are like smoke more than human now but this will not stop me from looking after you, old man!!!”

(they all make old man jokes constantly when they find out how old he is. Jameson is starting to like these guys)

Dark’s first thought when meeting the egos would probably be “ugh Mark’s Irish friend looks a lot like…….. him….” and Mark’s like “who what are you talking about” and Dark goes “NOTHINGGGG IDIOT MAN DON’T U SPEAK TO MEEEEE” and Mark’s like “okay normal day just don’t fuck with Jack you asshole” and Dark whispers under his breath “I’ll do as I please” and Mark goes “what was that?” and Dark goes “NOTHING UGH” so yeah

but then Jameson actually shows up

Dark:

no hahaha he keeps his calm cool facade up but internally he is shaken to his core. how can he be here? how could this have happened? and meanwhile Jameson took one look at him and froze stiff behind his brothers, his breath caught in his throat, and he barely has the strength to reach out and grab Jackie’s sleeve. this is enough to alert all of them to the fact that something is wrong, and Jackie is instantly boxing him off from Dark, warning him back, keeping Jameson behind him. Jamie’s his little brother now, he’s not letting anything happen to his old man!!! but it turns out he doesn’t need to protect him - JJ flickers into a mirage and then vanishes, teleported away… they’ll find him sitting in his broken old mirror back home, hugging his legs to his chest, exhausted.

if we wanted to explain JJ as the Y/N in stuff like Date and Heist, that’s possible with teleportation and explained by Jameson’s need to get to the bottom of everything and understand what the hell is going on. so of course he lets that old snake invite him out - he’ll even dress up all suave and tell his friends he doesn’t know when he’ll be back. he’ll do whatever he has to to understand. and for some reason, Mark doesn’t even seem to realize anything is wrong. he just treats JJ like his old friend again. part of JJ is grateful for that… he can’t deny that he misses him and Mark and Dames being friends like they used to, even if Mark drew away from them in the last few months. Dark is pissed he plays along with his games, but Jameson doesn’t trust Dark, not for a second. “YOU’RE the one who trapped me!” scream his hands, and he resists the urge to attack him, more scared of Dark than he’s willing to admit. “Mark might be the cause of all this but he isn’t the one who stabbed me in the back and left me to rot in there!”

Dark stings from it. his anger at Jameson grows.

but Wilford?

oh, Jameson’s heart is full for the poor thing. as much as he’s unsure how Mark and Dark are still around, Wilford is the one who makes NO sense to him. he doesn’t know how he’s still alive - has to assume it’s the house’s magic somehow still sustaining him after that one dark night he sat guarding their body while the spirit world tried to devour everything within the house. if they were old war buddies, Wilford doesn’t remember, he just knows Jameson is… someone. Jameson, meanwhile, tries his best to treat him kindly, entertain him and be sweet to him. he’s not afraid of Wilford at all - he’s pretty sure he couldn’t be shot if he wanted to, given the weird mirage powers…

and Abe, well, he’s pretty much accepted the weirdness, right? he doesn’t understand and he never will, just like Wilford said. he’s probably just delighted to see his old partner!!!! he scoops Jamie up into a big hug and invites him out to get a drink sometime. Jameson hopes he’s pretty happy now, but he tries to keep Abe out of his own investigations….

Mark: what’s going on with your guy and mine?

Jack, downing another whiskey: that one’s not mine

Jameson, waving: :D

Mark: WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S NOT YOURS

Jack: HE JUST SHOWED UP OKAY -

[thepersephonecabin]

Legacy and Bullshit Mindfuckery (fic)

Summary: Luvander has two things for the Adamo’s first child: a gift and a wish.

Please see full tags and warnings AO3

Note: So... How did we get here? Well, basically, when I was writing A Very Adamo Christmas for @foxesonstilts for the @festivebastion exchange I meant to put in a short bit about a Luvander giving Laure and Adamo’s first child a very special gift, but forgot until after finishing FestiveBastion. So I told myself I was gonna write a small addition, and then my latent need to see the airmen recover after the war took over and suddenly I had a 4k+ luvander character study on my hands. And also about halfway through my if-i-dont-write-this-right-now-i-will-never-sleep craze a tiny part of my brain was like “you should make luvander a trans man for absolutely no reason” and I did and actually really liked the way it fit into the story.

So anyway, I hope you enjoy!

-

A day and a half following the birth of Rory Adamo, Luvander found himself on the doorstep of the Greylace Estate once again. Wrapped in one arm, he cradles a soft drawstring bag, cream in color with a light pink ribbon around the top.

He didn’t bother knocking as he shouldered his way through the doorway. Even though he still primarily lived out of the apartment above the hat shop, this place was dragon territory, and therefore as far as he was concerned, it was his home as well.

“Hello?” he called out, slipping his shoes off at the door. Maybe if he was really lucky, Rook would come in and pitch a fit about like he would in the good old days.

Balfour emerged from the lounge with a book cracked open in his hands and questioning eyes. “Oh, Luvander. It’s you.”

“It’s me,” Luvander confirmed. “Where’s the chief and his young lady love? I had something I wanted to bring to them.”

“They’re in their bedroom, I think,” Balfour said before quickly amending, “Oh, no, not like that! I think it was just time to change her.”

“Ah,” Luvander said. “How is the not-so-little tyke anyway?”

Balfour smiled and began leading him up the stairs to Laure and Owen’s room as if Luvander hadn’t been there not two days ago. “Oh, you know. She sleeps and eats and poops and cries. Lucky the three of us don’t room up in the same area of the house as Chief Sergeant and Airlady Adamo or I’m sure we’d all be knackered already.

The three of us. Luvander knew he meant the three Second Wavers outside of Laure of course. Luvander felt a sick little spark of jealousy flare up in his stomach and not for the first time at their mention before he stamped it out with the guilt of it all.

Balfour continued, “Mom and Dad are still smitten with her though. I wager that by the sixth week in they might be out of the honeymoon stage.”

“Sixth? I don’t know if I could make it to the second,” Luvander said. Of course, he was happy to have a little niece to dote on, but Luvander had never seen much draw in the idea of having a baby you couldn’t return to its rightful owners when it began to shit itself.

Balfour laughed good-naturedly, “I think Adamo’s a bit more levelheaded than you, however.”

Luvander shrugged. “Maybe so, but I’ll stick to my instinct and take you up on that bet.”

They’d reached the Adamo bedroom now, and throught the door Luvander thought he could hear the baby’s wordless vocalization (Did most newborns make this much noise when they weren’t crying or was this one just especially talkative, he wondered) paired with Laure’s laugh and the low tenor of Adamo’s voice.

Balfour turned to him, touching Luvander’s elbow softly through his coat. Balfour wasn’t wearing his gloves today, Luvander observed. Good, he thought, he shouldn’t feel like he needed to hide them, especially not here, not with family.

“Before you go in…” Balfour began, “I wanted to ask how you were doing. I know Ghislain sailed out.”

Luvander resisted the urge to grimace. He liked to tell himself he did an okay job of deflecting everyone else’s attention away from his persistent problems with loneliness. On the good days he cracked enough jokes and sarcastic witticisms to keep the people around him too entertained to notice. On the bad days he threw himself into overworking, holed up in his workroom with little sleep and becoming overly perfectionistic about whatever he was working on until he felt like tearing it all apart again. But on the best days Ghislain was home, in this place Ghislain didn’t even think of as his home, but the place Luvander was, which in Luvander’s mind designated it as Ghislain’s home nonetheless.

Balfour, however had always been the one he couldn’t fool, and it was a fact that needled at him constantly. He didn’t enjoy it when others looked past the mask he’d so carefully crafted for himself like one of his custom hats.

Not that Luvander had anyone but himself to blame for that. Balfour always suspected Luvander’s yearning for affection and attention and approval had been more than the average loneliness, but then Luvander just had to go and fuck it up even further.

It had been at least a year and a half or maybe even two when it happened. He, Raphael, Balfour, and Rook had been drinking (because of course they had) in Balfour’s room at the Greylace Estate. These rooms were a damn sight bigger and nicer than the ones in the Old Airman, a fact that Luvander could never parse out about whether he appreciated or was annoyed by. As such, Balfour had set up a couch and a few chairs to fill the space between his bed and the opposite wall. Ever since Raphael turned up again, they’d started having little get togethers one or twice a month, alternating whose place hosted.

Then Thom’d been offered a job as a professor (a real one this time) at the ‘Versity and Rook had come back to Thremedon bitching and complaining the whole way back from whatever adventure they’d been on when they received the letter. Apparently Thom had already begun writing a letter back declining the offer when Rook found out and through some well-intentioned bullying and ripping of half-finished correspondence got Thom to accept. From Luvander’s understanding, Thom had decided immediately to pass on the job in order to continue looking after his older brother, knowing that Rook had very important reasons for staying away from Thremedon. He couldn’t ask Rook to go back there, and he didn’t feel comfortable letting Rook travel alone without eventually winding up dead in a ditch from asphyxiating from his own vomit either. According to him, Rook’s mental health had markedly approved once the Dragonsoul was destroyed and th’Esar’s plans thwarted. He’d finally been able to properly grieve, Thom said, but that didn’t mean he was ready to part ways and risk Rook relapsing without him to drag him out of it.

Rook found all this out and stubbornly refused to go along with that “bullshit mindfuckery” Thom was always practicing on account of the fact that teaching at the University had always been Thom’s dream job, and he would be damned if his little brother threw it away for his sorry ass. After all, while the ‘Versity had improved in regards to letting in more students from poorer walks of life since Thom had been awarded for his work with the Airmen, the same improvement hadn’t come in regards to hiring choices. For all any of them knew, this might be the last time a mollyrat was offered a job at the Empire’s highest learning institution in a long, long time. So, back to Thremedon they came, and Luvander, Balfour and Raphael’s little survivor’s club had expanded from three to four members. (There had always been an open invitation to Adamo as well, but he only rarely took them up on it.)

So, anyway, they’d been drinking thoroughly and Luvander more thoroughly than the rest. It’d been months since Ghislain had come to port- not his fault, some jobs simply took longer than expected- and Luvander was in the pits. That said, he’d been holding it together pretty admirably that night, and it had all been fine until Rook and Raphael left. Raphael said he had Royal Guard duty the next day- it was a job offer Luvander, Ghislain and Raphael had all received from the Esarina herself after she’d almost died by her own guards that night when they’d had to rescue the Adamos. Raphael had been the only one to accept.

But so when Raphael stood up to leave and appropriate one of the Estate’s carriages Rook also decided to leave “before the Professor starts hyperventilating over me” and figured it would just be easier to go back in one carriage. It was, in sober retrospect, a suspiciously sensical thing to come out of Rook Molly’s mouth, but who knew anymore. Luvander didn’t know what kind of bullshit mindfuckery Thom had exposed that man too while they were travelling, but Rook’d been all kinds of weird since they’d come back and by “weird” Luvander meant “vaguely decent.”

The two of them took their leave and after that the details grew fuzzy, but he did remember drunkenly confessing his depression about missing Ghislain to Balfour and Balfour being nothing but supportive as understanding.

“You’re so sweet,” Luvander had told him, slurring his words and cupping the other man’s cheek. “You know that? You’ve always been so sweet, Balfour. Sometimes I wonder how someone as sweet as you got mixed up with all of us selfish ingrates. You always deserved so much better than us. Hell, if you’d never met us assholes, you’d still have your hands.”

Balfour blushed and looked away. “My hands weren’t your guys fault, and even if I don’t have them, I have my girl and all of you. Besides, I’m not so inno-“

And that had been as far as he’d gotten before Luvander launched himself into Balfour’s lap and shoved their mouths together.

Now, it’s important to note that Luvander had always been a touchy drunk. He’s sure he’d made passes at all thirteen of the other airmen more times than he could count while trashed out of his mind. He even had one absolutely disastrous incident with Adamo that had gotten a very stern talking to about appropriate relationships between a superior officer and his subordinates the next morning. Luvander had deeply respected the things Adamo said to him at the time despite the massive hangover he was fighting his way through as he said it and the urge he had to hang himself rather than have this conversation at all. That didn’t mean he hadn’t brought up the irony of it in his speech at Laure and Adamo’s wedding, though.

Which was all to say that Luvander was no stranger to make-out sessions with his friends after a few too many drinks. In fact, drunken fooling around had been the bedrock upon which his entire relationship with Ghislain was founded. Even after Luvander and Ghislain were “official” they’d kept the relationship fairly open because Luvander wasn’t the sort to abstain from sex for months at a time while his lover was at sea. It had simply come with the condition that if anything that strayed from the “casual sex” territory and into the “feelings” territory had be to discussed- Ghislain wasn’t jealous about Luvander being with other people physically, but he was jealous about having to share Luvander’s heart and overprotective at times about the idea of someone taking advantage of Luvander’s emotions.

This had been different though. This kiss with Balfour hadn’t been borne of happy delirium or playfulness like most of his less-than-sober escapades were. This had been borne of deep, deep sorrow. A desperate effort to patch a leak in a dam ready to burst. The other reason it was different was because Balfour had only had had two drinks that night, and Luvander had had at least five times that.

On the bright side, if one had to have such a mortifying experience in their lives, Luvander could think of very few people better to have it with than Balfour Vallet.

The epitome of gentlemanly behavior, Balfour had gently broken off the kiss and softly and without malice told him that they couldn’t do this, not when Luvander was so intoxicated. Luvander had nodded and understood, but then broken into wracking sobs as he blubbered about how fucking alone he felt all the time. Balfour let him cling to him like a security blanket even though Luvander was still straddling him and repeatedly assured him that he didn’t care if Luvander covered his shirt with snot and tears.

Then Luvander woke up the next morning on Balfour’s couch with a blanket draped over him. His clothes were all intact with the exception of his shoes and his binder which he had a bad habit of sleeping in and Balfour knew it. Balfour must have peeled it off once Luvander had passed out along with the boots and then buttoned Luvander’s shirt back up and even replaced his signature scarf. Both binder and boots were now neatly laid out on the coffee table with care.

There were still a few bottles of alcohol too, and ordinarily he might have been tempted to drink them. This time though, he reckoned he’d done enough damage under the influence for one day.

That was about when Balfour appeared, already dressed for the day and carrying a tray of water and coffee. “Oh, you’re awake,” he’d said, kicking the door shut behind him. He sat next to Luvander on the couch and set the tray on the table. “I hope you don’t mind that I took off your…” he said awkwardly, wringing his hands like he always did.

It took Luvander a moment to understand he was talking about the binder. “Oh. Oh no, it’s- Balfour, I know you’d never do anything to me or go further than protecting my ribs from some rather tragic pain in the morning. And it’s not anything you haven’t seen in the showers before. If anything I think when it comes to invasions of peoples’ personal boundaries, I should be the one apologizing to you right now. What happened last night… the way I just went after like that was unconscionable and I promise it will never happen again. In fact, I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest if you never wanted to see me again.”

Balfour looked shocked. “Of course, I don’t want that. What happened last night wasn’t ideal, obviously, but you were plastered and having a rough day. I get it.”

Luvander could’ve both laughed and cry at that. “But it wasn’t just a bad day. It was… Bal, I think I have a problem.” He could practically feel the bile coming up just from saying those words out loud, but he told himself that if there was ever the time to admit it to anyone, this was it so he continued: “I think maybe I always had. Even before Xi’an it was like this, just not as intense or constant. I don’t know how to be alone. I don’t know how to feel unimportant or like I’m not the center of attention without letting it control me. When there were fourteen of us I could ignore it, right? Because there was always someone around, but now…” He wiped away tears with his scarf and adjusted it anxiously. “And, like, the way this place just fucking tossed all of us out like yesterday’s trash the second they didn’t need us anymore and that blasted medal ceremony was over didn’t exactly help.”

Balfour nodded slowly. “I think I know the feeling or at least a fraction of it. I felt so isolated and broken at the end of the war, but even before that I… well, I suppose I always felt like I was second to Amery.”

Luvander felt another pang of guilt. None of them had been sure how to react when Balfour replaced his brother in the Corps, but Rook more than anyone. Before Amery died he’d been the one of them that Rook was closest to, so Balfour’s presence was anything but welcome to him. So, whenever Rook had a problem, Balfour was usually who he took it out on. And Luvander had always just let him. Because sometimes crossing Rook was like crossing god in that house, but it didn’t excuse how cowardly he’d been.

 “Got feminine parts between his legs, airman’s honor.”

That’s what Rook had said about Balfour when he’d tried to be kind to Thom that first day when the Professor had them do introductions. Even then, Luvander, the real one with “feminine parts” among them was sitting right there, and he hadn’t said shit to stop Rook.

(Luvander had always felt Rook didn’t mind trans men as much as he minded trans women. Something about the way trying to be more masculine was seen as noble, while trying to be more feminine made you a Mary in a world where women were always seen as lesser. But he also felt like Rook’s somewhat backwards and begrudging acceptance of Luvander’s presence was conditional, like it was something that he was able to revoke at the barest hint of insubordination. Luvander was tolerated as long as he fought well and shut up and was cruel like him, but that didn’t mean it was real. At least Thom had seemed to have trained some of that out of Rook over the years, but it was still a nagging fear for Luvander.)

Luvander didn’t say any of that. He just said, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it.” I don’t know how to fix me.

Balfour escorted him to the ‘Versity after that and made him talk to Thom about it. Thom being Thom, of course, looked at it as the academic he was. He talked about all kinds of fancy words like ‘schizoid’ and ‘histrionic’ and ‘dependent personality’. Basically, Thom said he couldn’t be sure exactly what the problem was without examining further. But he assured Luvander that there were coping mechanism they could try and that he had colleagues from the ‘Versity that he could ask for more medically focused advice as compared to Thom’s social theory perspectives.

Bullshit mindfuckery, Luvander remembered. As much as he wasn’t thrilled at the idea of Thom “examining” his psyche, he was significantly less thrilled about a perfect stranger doing it. At least he could trust Thom. At least Thom knew jackshit about how the airmen worked beyond the court gossip and bards’ song and those fucking statues that made them war heroes and not real people anymore. At least Thom was there when he woke up on an infirmary bed unable to talk for how deep his throat had been slit only to find out that four out of fourteen of them had come back. Even if Thom had been beside himself with grief, unaware that number five, Rook, was still breathing somewhere out there, at least Thom had borne witness for himself what they’d gone through, and Luvander wasn’t about to have to hash all of that to someone new.

But he couldn’t sit on his hands and not accept help when it was offered. Because he’d made Balfour a promise. He’d promised that he would never kiss Balfour again without fair and honest consent, plastered or not, and he’d meant it. He had so few friends left in this world. He wasn’t about to lose another due to his own selfishness and stupidity.

And so, he gave himself into the bullshit mindfuckery. He’d been meeting with Thom once every one or two weeks (or more than that if something set him off and crisis called for it). It was helping, Luvander thought. Slowly but surely.

Back in the present, Luvander shrugged at Balfour noncommittally. “It sucks, but I’m seeing the Professor tomorrow. And I guess now if I need someone to keep me company I could come and let the baby keep me busy so Mom and Dad can have some alone time.”

Balfour smiled at him. “You could have come over anyway. Well, I won’t push for specifics, but if you want to talk later…”

“I know where to find you,” Luvander confirmed.

Balfour gave him a bigger smile now. “Okay. I’ll let you talk to them then,” he said, and began descending the stairs, leaving Luvander at the at the door to the Adamo’s room.

He knocked briskly on the door and heard the Chief say, “Come in,” from the other side.

When Luvander opened the door, he found Laure on the bed over the covers cradling not-so-little Rory and making faces at her. Adamo was over by the radiator holding a bottle over the heat.

“Ah, I thought I heard someone out there talking to Balfour,” Laure said. “I didn’t know you were coming over today, but then again, I don’t think the pregnancy brain is totally out of my system yet.”

Laved waved moved to sit on the bed at her feet and waved her off with a hand. “It was unannounced. I had a gift for the baby and thought I’d bring it over.”

“Oh, that was thoughtful of you,” Adamo remarked walking over. To his credit, he only let a sliver of the wariness of a man who put up with thirteen uncontrollable ever-pranking monsters with dubious respect for authority for Regina even knows how long it’s been slip into his voice.

Luvander took the drawstring bag from the crook of his elbow and held it in his lap. “Well, I started working on this once you announced she was on her way. I guess I could have given it to you earlier, but it just felt like I should wait to give it to Rory in person. And of course, I didn’t exactly know you would choose to go into labor in a blizzard, so I didn’t have it on me the other night.”

He had a million things to say, a million possible preambles he could make, but he figured it was best to just show them. So, he pulled open the drawstrings, reached in, and pulled the carefully constructed figure of silver-grey fabric and held it up for inspection.

Adamo looked too shocked to say anything. Laure’s mouth had dropped into a soft “o” shape. But Rory had caught sight of her new toy and vocalized with one hand in her mouth and the other reaching out toward him with demanding hands. Bossy, he thought, Like her dad.

“I’m not sure I got all the details right since I was working off memory, plus she never really let me get that close to her anyway, but… Here she is,” Luvander said, because in his hands was a very small plush dragon.

“Is that…” Laure began.

“Proudmouth,” Adamo breathed. “Can I see her?”

“Of course,” Luvander said.

Adamo took it from him as if squeezing too hard would make it turn to nothing in his hands, turning it from side to side to see all the craftsmanship Luvander had put into it. Embroidered patterns where Proudmouth’s metal had been engraved, carefully cut and stabilized fabric made to take the shape of gears, a brass-colored ribbon where brass-colored brass reigns would’ve been. Every detail down to the shape of her claws had taken hours to craft and even more hours of meditating and sifting through bittersweet memories to recover. And here were the fruits of his labor all pieced together. Finally, Adamo let out a breath and said, “Looks just like her.”

“Well when you two starting talking about having kids, I wanted think of something special I could pass down to them, and eventually thought, well, every Adamo needs a dragon, right?” Luvander said. “So, I settled myself of making a different for each of your kids, if you have more that is. And it felt important that Rory got Proudmouth as your firstborn. I think… I think if things had turned out differently than they did Proudmouth could have been her birthright what with the way Anastasia picked two Vallets in a row to ride her.”

Adamo’s face as always was had to read, but somehow with a dragon in his hands, he looked years younger, and Luvander could tell whatever he was feeling he was feeling a lot of it.

Then Adamo smiled and said, “Thank you. It’s perfect, Luvander, really. I guess we should give Rory her girl and see if they choose each other.”

He passed the dragon to his daughter’s grasping hands, and they all watched as Rory immediately pulled Proudmouth to her chest.

“I think that’s your answer,” Laure laughed, dabbing at her eyes.

And in that moment, it seemed to Luvander that the world shone brighter. Welcoming a new generation was always hard, especially when the old one had lost so much, but it felt nice to be able to give the Airmen a proper legacy- one that wasn’t bronzed in statues, written in theses, or whispered behind hands at palace balls. But one that was simple- from father to daughter. And wrapped up in that gifted legacy was a wish, the most powerful wish Luvander had ever made, sewn into every stitch and seam: I wish that the ones who come after us won’t need our bullshit mindfuckery in the first place.

And then, Rook ruined the moment when they all heard a loud bang of the front door opened way too forcefully, followed by “BASTION FUCKING DAMNIT, WHO LEFT THEIR BOOTS IN THE DAMNED DOORWAY, I THOUGHT I DIDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT ANYMORE!”

Laure, Owen, and Luvander all looked at each other, and all at once they burst into laughter.

[ninatastic]

@kay-licious how dare u (thanks <3) @silent-calling youre doing amazing sweetie

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I wouldnt call it a key factor but it’s important to feel attraction towards your partner

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

sure! If it’s a healthy one definitely :D

3. Are you a virgin?

nah 

4. Are you in a relationship?

yeh!

5. Are you in love?

I’d say so!

6. Are you single this year?

no

7. Can you commit to one person?

yes

8. Describe your crush

it me bf

9. Describe your perfect mate

same as above c: 

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no, only when it comes to animals c;

11. Do you ever want to get married?

thats a dream of mine tbh

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

I guess every healthy person would say no but yes, I’d absolutely do (only the first time tho, after the second time you gotta ask yourself if it’s really worth it)

13. Do you get jealous easily?

in regard to my bf: I used to but it’s a hell of a lot less nowadays. In regard to people in general, sometimes, especially when im not doing well mentally

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

me bf

15. Do you have any piercings?

just have my ears pierced!

16. Do you have any tattoos?

no but maybe soon

17. Do you like kissing in public?

only if its sweet forehead or cheek kisses, or quick kisses on the mouth or hand kisses

20. Do you shower every day?

yes though I gotta admit I really have to force myself. Not because I like being stinky but because everything is kinda difficult sometimes

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

bruh I sure hope my bf does;;

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

nah

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I’ve been in a relationship for 5 and a half years now, I think so

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

it is possible but who tf knows

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

idk, to be frank: I think my life would be a bit easier if I wasnt in a relationship, or if I hadnt been in a relationship for the past 1-2 years. And I often feel like im more of a burden to my bf than anything else. But thats a different story

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

as in losing touch with me? I guess so

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

a song yes and it was awkward as hell ajhajdfha and people have done drawings for me which is <3<3<3<3<3<<3<3<33

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yup

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

very very unfortunately yes, and just like a bunch of you guys I was this close to killing myself. I was in a very bad place which I know is not an excuse for this. I still think about it even if it’s been a time since then but I think I cqan never forgive myself because of that

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

often but im too much of a scared cat dsfskjf  idk though, I would love to be much more petite size wise

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

oh often

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

yeah;; I’m not exactly pretty or popular, so puberty was hard

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

hell yeah

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

:( no

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeh!!

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yeah and it’s difficult to be normal then aaaaaahhhhhhh

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

some of my friends have a strong disliking towards my current bf but i dont know if you can call it hate

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah and it ruined me for a while

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

uuuuhh not really I think

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

whenever I write bday cards I always put a poem in it :D

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

hella

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

depends on how thirsty I am

43. How long was your longest relationship?

5 and a half years and counting

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

2-3

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

uuhh I was 14, no one 

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

HELLA

47. How old are you?

22 my dudes

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I#d try to play it cool because internally I’m panicking, someone help me

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

I love about my bf how you can ALWAYS count on him when shit gets down, even if he hasnt talked to a friend for a good while and they’re like “hey I need you”, he’ll be there in a sec Also that he is still able to surprise me

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

jsdfhsjdfks GO AWAY, I’d say while closing the door and shutting the blinds quicker than lightning

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

yeah, but that’s probably because I have bpd and depressions

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

yeah, I tried to help them on all occassions, so much that I ruined my own life partially and made myself sick. But whatever I did or said, they apparently want to suffer, so i gave up trying. 

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

yeah my abuser probably

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

unfortunately yes and fortunately yes

55. Share a relationship story.

uuuuuuhhhhh; I dont really know what to write here. Guess I’ll never forget when my bf held a kitten (which was only a week old) in his hands and he almost cried because he loved the baby so much. Haha, he was afraid of crushing it though because it was much smaller than the palms of his hands

56. State 8 facts about your body

I gained a lot of weight since last year which is why I avoid posting or taking pics, but according to everyone else you dont see it that much (?); my hair is getting its natural curliness back; I fucked up my knee so I’ll have knee surgery next year; I bruise easily; I have a shit ton of scars; I love my super green eyes; I have thicc thighs and if I’m very emotional I get red spots all over my body

57. Things you want to say to an ex

to my first ever bf: fuck u lmao to the second bf I had: I’m so sorry for everything and I hope that you found your place :)

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

uuuhhh be sweet and understanding, be funny, be somewhat smart, dont be a mean asshole and be nice to other people (especially kids) and animals and also be able to be fascinated by small things 

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

yikes

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

my current bf is 8 years older than me

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

how open and nice they are? Idk I always choose my ppl to hang out with according to this

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

even though I’m a switch I have a big preference for being the sub, so if someone can dominate me and yknow do stull like carry me princess style or something im all like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

everything that comes after kissing imo

64. What is your definition of cheating?

I think as soon as you try to pursue someone emotionally that already counts as cheating

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

kissing, grinding, I love when someone talks dirty to me

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

if it aint too much of a tmi i’d love to admit that we have a collar and a leash so (not thinking about pet play uughfjhjsdfkhsd, just yknow someone is able to drag me to them like this or being held in place while being taken from behind is p nice)

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

something something being outside in the nature and also good food 

68. What is your sexual orientation?

69. What turns you off?

super super wet kisses where also my nose somehow gets stuck in someone elses mouth Like dude r u a vacuum cleaner sdfhsdkjhfks

70. What turns you on?

being manhandled

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

idk I dont really have a lot of wet dreams and usually theyre not very kinky but rather sweet and slow 

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

I like dirty talk, so imma leave that open 

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

i love to get flowers, or lil stuff that reminds us of our friendship or something, self made/home made stuff is always !!!!!!!!!!!!

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

probably hands? I love it when girls have super slender hands and when boys have rough and big hands

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

I already answered that c:

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I have a few stories I’m proud of! But I really love this one: When I was little I grew up in a village in which like 300-400 people lived (maximum) and next to us lived this sweet older couple who always gave us sweets and vegetable for our parents, or they brought us stuff from when they went on vacation. The man is now constantly sick, he suffers from parkinson and you see the early statges of dementia setting in. A while ago he wanted to go and get the German version of fish and chips with his wife but due to him needing a ton of surgeriesw constantly he wasnt able to go out with his wife. When my mom told me this I was like wtf u cant just tell me this, I’m too soft. So I went and got fish and chips from the best market around us for him and flowers for his wife, despite the fact that I havent seen them in YEARS. When I arrived at their front door both of them hugged me and cried a bit

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

not bad if everything is consensual and if there’s a power balance thats equal 

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I think the leash thing is one of the kinkiest things we’ve ever done tbh

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

yesterday a bit when my bf went out wth friends and had a few beers while I was stuck at home with the thought that I can never have a beer again dkadfjahdf as stupid as that sounds but I always enjoyed these chill evenings with a beer and friends

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

this morning when I cuddled my cats :D

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

my bf and many videogame and anime characters, also my best female friend is hella attractive, also some of my friends are to die for

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

my bf!!

83. Who was your first kiss with?

my first bf sdfjsdfs

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

it didnt really work out, it seemed as he was more interested in saying “hey im in a relationship!” than in me, hah;;

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

yeah, sure

[jambud-universe]

   Hey, so I know I’m gonna be talking about a sensitive subject with this, and i know it might start some controversy stuff, but i’ve been holding this in for a year now or so and i just really had to get it out. I do not intend to offend anyone, i just would like to be heard out if thats okay.

  I should start this out with my drawing, and steven and connie’s relationship.  Steven and Connie’s relationship is heterosexual, or at least heteroromantic since they’re not at the age for intimacy yet (Connverse is basically canon so i think its safe to say they have a relationship). Now, I,myself am a straight girl, so i guess it’d be obvious i have a better interest in straight relationships over queer ones. But do i only like connverse because it’s a hetero ship? of course not! I like steven and connie for how they are together and alone. They’re both well written characters,and have a great connection with eachother. Pretty much in the beginning, it started out as steven having a crush on connie and didn’t know how to talk to her,but eventually they started a true and wonderful friendship together, as well as developing a cute romance once they got to know eachother better. They’re both just two young people who feel innocent and blissful when they’re singing or dancing or just hanging out together. I can go on with more examples,but if you’re a connverse shipper you should know what im talking about.

    So, about the drawing. It’s in black in white,which are the colors of the straight flag (im not sure if its official or not). Which might be taken as a micro-aggression against the gay flag,but i dont see it that way. I see it as a symbol of the Yin-Yang sign (which i’ve always seemed to have an interest in). Since the (Yin) black side represents women,the moon,calmness, and submissiveness. And the (Yang) white side represents men,the sun,pride, and dominance. Together they stand for the power of two different forces, and how they complement eachother,yet are so different. Bringing a unique balance to the world (or relationship).  I think steven and connie’s relationship is a really important example of heterosexual relationships, especially in this day and age since its really hard to see a relationship in the media that isn’t just based on attraction and not actual chemistry.

     I think it’s important since the show has two different relationships that are pretty similar, steven and connie which are straight, and ruby and sapphire which are gay. I think i like it for displaying both relationships with a fair amount of ups and downs, with the love thats obviously there. I like the idea of portraying both gay and straight people equally because, they are. Who you are as a person shouldn’t be judged on your sexuality, but people should like you for who you are as an individual. The show displays both straight and gay relationship in a normal and healthy way, and i really like that.

   So this is kinda where it gets personal about me, so i do not mean to hurt anyone if i say something wrong. I wasn’t always straight (believe it or not) when i was like 5 i remember equally considering the possibilities of being in a relationship with both boys and girls, hell i even remember having the mindset that if two guys get together,they have a son,and if two girls get together they have a daughter,and a guy and a girl could have either. When i was around middle school or so i never really felt attracted to anyone (my anxiety keeps me away from people anyways) so i was aromantic but i felt more comfortable considering myself straight and not queer, since i didnt feel like i needed to group myself, and it wasnt a big transition or anything, thats just how it was i guess. I’m just straight now since my now boyfriend (who i love with all my heart,and basically have a relationship like connverse with him) admitted he liked me and i just said “fuck it, you’re nice so i’d like to see where this goes”.  All this stuff has been simple to me, and it never felt like a big transition to me really.

What motivated me to speak out now is that originally, i wanted to see if there was some straight appreciation, or gay-straight alliance day where i can post this, but all i got where tweets and posts just saying some really offensive stuff. I saw this one thing posted (as a joke) talking about a terrorist attack (or something similar) in a gay bar with the tag “happy heterosexual pride day”. Which, is just repulsive, basically calling everyone confident about being straight a terrorist, making a joke out of it, and taking a horrible tragedy of people dying as a joke to make instead of doing something positive for those in the community who were hurt. For years now, i’ve seen posts passively joking and stereotyping straight people,which for one is insulting an entire group of people for their sexuality, and thats just kinda ironic since im sure gay jokes are offensive, i find them offensive too. And then right after they make posts like this they say shit like “heterophobia doesn’t exist” which really ticks me off since that in itself is an example of people thinking “or you’re straight so you don’t face any hardships in the world and have a perfect relationship with your family and are healthy and not misunderstood in any other way”  i’ve seen this shit a lot, and i’m mentally disabled,i’ve been abused by my family physically,mentally and sexually, i guess its just ironic to me,though its not noticed as much but straight people still get shit at them and blamed for things they didnt do. And hell,i waited a year,and i still feel bad just saying how i feel.Maybe its just a personal thing and all im doing is finding some shit to rant about because im an asshole,if you want, you can minimize my feelings to that.  I know hardly anyone would hear me out,let alone understand.

I’m not saying there should be a straight pride day,since that’d be pointless, but i’d like a straight-gay appreciation thing, because both sides have people who are innocent and would like to seek equality. I just believe that would help seek past conflict, and maybe calm down some aggression in some way. I know the queer community has been through a lot and is still struggling, and while that is awful, that doesnt mean every straight person is homophobic or rude, though i know a lot of people these days are and i believe it will get better in the future and hope people of any sexuality will be equal.

Again, i didn’t mean any offense to anyone, and if you’re queer and made it this far, i hope your life gets better if you’re going through any struggles, same goes to anyone reading this who needs some cheering up. the last thing i want to do is hurt anyone.  you’ve been really kind to have read this far in my nonsense,and for that, i respect you for listening to me.💜

[mikibaby94]

Im Sorry to My Followers and Viewers.

I was looking back on my previous posts, and I’d like to express how sorry I am. 

Dear Mikey fans ((Not all)): I’ve reread my comments and saw how rude I really was. And very ignorant. Trigger is still and will always be a word, but that shouldnt of excused my actions. I should of asked more questions, so I could understand more of where you guys were coming from. To be honest I was more upset with myself for using the word “butthurt” that to me sounds more harsh then triggered. 

I know this wont do much, but for me it does a lot for me. I hope you guys can accepts my apology for being so harsh as of late. I can be out of line and I realize that now. 

I want to express my apologies, not to gain anything, but to show that I do realize how bad I’ve been. Theres honesty and out spoken then theres just out right being a jerk. Which I never planned on being that. I always wanted to be that nice person. That true person I know is deep inside me. And bare with me while I try to find her again. She’s missing and I hope to get her back so I can be that person that can be easy approached, and that can be...better? I dont know. All I know is I blantly instagated Mikey fans and then I called someone a dumbass. 

Which is seriously a bad thing. And it doesnt give me a good light. I dont like that. I know people wont like me, but that doesnt mean it allows me to be a flat out jerk. 

Im very sorry for that my followers and viewers, I hope I can change for the better since I already changed for the worse. Like 2017 this is my year to progress myself and get better. 

All I ask in return is for your patience and guidance. I want to be an beloved art blog. Weather its writng or drawing. Thats what I always wanted to be. I’ve been losing sight of that and Im sorry to you guys for enduring all this. Ill do my best to make this blog better and friendlier. A one that everyone feels welcomed. 

I wont be pushed on, but I wont be an agressive jerk as Ive been. I refuse to just be an asshole. I will be better. And care more. For not only me but my followers. and new comers too. :)

[droewyn]

Give Me a Reason (4/9)

<Part 1>     <Part 2>     <Part 3>

November, 2013

The boy on the ice was new to the Grand Prix series, and it was clear that he wouldn’t be advancing to the final.  His triples were shaky and he wasn’t even attempting a quad.  Not that quads were required, Victor reminded himself.  Just last year he’d taken them out of his programs at Euros on a dare and had still won by a comfortable margin, purely on the strength of a clean skate and high PCS marks.  Yakov had been apoplectic, of course, and had forbidden him from pulling such a stunt at Worlds, but it had honestly been the most fun Victor had had at a competition in years.

The boy – Chulanont, from Thailand – was fun to watch, though.  He danced his program with a cheerfulness that was infectious, and he had the audience clapping along to the music within moments.  A popped triple axel and a two-footed landing on a triple-double combination didn’t seem to bother him in the slightest, though Victor knew he had to be disappointed.  But Chulanont’s spins were solid, and his steps…

Who does that step sequence remind me of, he wondered.  A flash of blue and silver teased at Victor’s memory, crowned in a mop of dark hair.  Oh yes, that Japanese skater. Yuuki something?  Yoshi?  I wonder if Chulanont is his fan.  It bothered him, a little, not to be able to remember the man’s name.  Victor had it written down somewhere in one of his notebooks – he still researched all of the skaters that he shared ice with, Yakov having drilled respect for his competitors into him at an early age – but he didn’t used to need the physical notes the way he did now.  When had the names and faces all started to blur?  I really must be getting old, Victor thought dismally.

Chulanont ended on a slide, his arms outstretched.  He was all smiles as he took his bows, but his eyes gleamed in a way that almost made Victor smile.  He’s determined.  Good.  He’ll take this experience and grow from it.

Victor zoned out during the scoring, already knowing how he’d be judged.  Chulanont had been the last to skate the short program, and he wasn’t close to challenging Georgi’s first place standing.  Georgi’s own skate had been the cleanest Victor had ever seen it, and if he was able to carry that energy over into the free skate they’d be in the Final together for sure, Victor already having secured his own place with a pair of easy golds in Skate Canada and NHK.

Yakov found Victor still sitting in the stands as the crowd was thinning.  “You’re joining us for dinner?” the old coach rumbled.  It was barely a question.  He frowned as Victor shook his head.

“Tonight is Gosha’s, and if I go I’ll just draw attention away from him.”  He sighed with just the right amount of rueful, “what can you do?” disappointment in it.  “I’ll hide in my room and let him enjoy his well-earned spotlight.  Think of me when I’m scrounging scraps from vending machines?”

“Running up the room service bill outrageously, you mean.”  But Yakov’s face had softened into something like fondness.  “It’s true that the fans and the press tend to focus on you whether you skate or not,” he said finally, and Victor knew that he’d won.

It wasn’t that Victor didn’t want to give Georgi the opportunity to shine on his own – of course he did, Gosha had more than earned it – but the real truth was far more selfish. If he went to dinner and someone recognized him – and in Moscow, during Rostelecom, the chances of that happening were pretty damn high – they weren’t just going to ignore Georgi.  They would want, no, insist that he be Living Legend Victor Nikiforov for them, Russia’s Golden God, St. Petersburg’s Hope—

—Victor the Oft Photoshopped, He Whose Shit Is Not Allowed to Stink, Whose Hair Is Discussed More Than His Skating, Subject of Seven Hundred RPF Smut Fics and Supposedly Beloved by All but Actually Having Only a Single (Admittedly Really Great) Dog to Love—

—and he just didn’t want to be that mask.  Not tonight. Not when he didn’t have to be.  Victor the dancing monkey thinks that Victor the Living Legend is an asshole, and just for tonight the dancing monkey is on strike.

Yakov was probably right about the room service bill.

 * Joined channel #therapycouchfort

* Topic is ‘Tomb Raider: Best portrayal of PTSD in a video game ever, or ONLY portrayal of PTSD in a video game ever?  Discuss.’

* Set by StevenMultiverse on Nov 21 19:11:58 2013

suicideflirtsback: holy shit mercy are you okay

iamworthy: *hugs*

mercyslovechild: im ok

mercyslovechild: i guess

KingElsa: What happened?

mercyslovechild: its just

lukewarm_mess: mercy’s parents got CPS called on them

KingElsa: ?

mercyslovechild: tried to tell them once bfore and they blew me off

iamworthy: Child Protective Services, King.

mercyslovechild: they asked if i cut an it was like they stoppd listenning after i said no

/msg lukewarm_mess I don’t understand.

/msg lukewarm_mess Did Mercy’s parents hurt her?

mercyslovechild: now there all sad and ilu and what can we do to help

*lukewarm_mess>> no but she hurts herself and a teacher noticed she was hiding bruises

mercyslovechild: i hate it

iamworthy: At least you’re into therapy now though, right?

/msg lukewarm_mess !!!

mercyslovechild: like, u cant be bothered to give a rats ass until someone else thinks your a bad parent

mercyslovechild: yea but

mercyslovechild: they keep asking if im bullied at school or have bad relationshisp and i dont

mercyslovechild: theres no reason for me to feel this way

mercyslovechild: im just fuckn broken

KingElsa: Mercy.  You are not broken.

suicideflirtsback: ^^^^^^^^

iamworthy: *hugs mercy tight* What King said.

mercyslovechild: yes i am

KingElsa: Am I broken?  Is Iam?  Is Mess? Is Socks?

mercyslovechild: no

lukewarm_mess: so what if you are?

mercyslovechild: but

suicideflirtsback: holy shit mess that’s cold

mercyslovechild: u all have real problems and real illnesses w like diagnoces n stuff that u need help for

lukewarm_mess: broken DOESN’T mean garbage

KingElsa: I don’t.

mercyslovechild: im just some stupid kid crying over nothing

lukewarm_mess: https://www.google.com/search?q=kintsugi&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjz6PXqzJvWAhVj3IMKHbLMBhsQ_AUICigB&biw=1094&bih=626

lukewarm_mess: we fix broken things

lukewarm_mess: we glue them together with gold so everyone can see the scars

KingElsa: I don’t have a diagnosis.

lukewarm_mess: they’re stronger and more beautiful after

lukewarm_mess: more valuable

lukewarm_mess: and more worthy of love

iamworthy: King?

KingElsa: I’ve… never seen anyone.

KingElsa: You’re the only people I’ve ever talked to about this kind of thing.

*lukewarm_mess>> !

mercyslovechild: why

KingElsa: I don’t know, lots of reasons?

*lukewarm_mess>> you havent talked to anyone irl??

KingElsa: But they all kind of boil down to I’m scared.

/msg lukewarm_mess I can’t… I’m under a ton of scrutiny at work…

/msg lukewarm_mess Lots of people hoping for the guy on the top to fall.  If I show weakness…

KingElsa: So if you’re broken what does that make me?  You’re at least trying to reach out for help.

mercyslovechild: …

*lukewarm_mess>> family?  someone else you’re close to?

/msg lukewarm_mess Why Mess, trying to find out if I’m single?

*lukewarm_mess>> not funny

mercyslovechild: i

mercyslovechild: i think i like that pottery thing mess

mercyslovechild: i think i like it alot

/msg lukewarm_mess I am not on speaking terms with my family.

lukewarm_mess: i’m glad, mercy <3

/msg lukewarm_mess For the rest…. I’m kind of married to my work.

lukewarm_mess: we broken people have to stick together

*lukewarm_mess>> +1 313-XXX-XXXX

/msg lukewarm_mess ?!?

*lukewarm_mess>> okay i HATE talking on the phone

*lukewarm_mess>> it’s one of my anxiety triggers

*lukewarm_mess>> but

*lukewarm_mess>> you could text me sometime?  if you want to?

*lukewarm_mess>> and maybe if it’s an emergency you could call

*lukewarm_mess>> if there’s really nobody else

/msg lukewarm_mess I

/msg lukewarm_mess Wow

/msg lukewarm_mess You trust me that much?

*lukewarm_mess>> i just want to know you have someone to reach out to

/msg lukewarm_mess (•̩̩̩́ ᴗ •̩̩̩̀)

/msg lukewarm_mess Thank you.  I don’t know what else to say.

*lukewarm_mess>> say you’ll use it if you need to

/msg lukewarm_mess I will.  I promise.

mercyslovechild: yea i guess we do ^^

<Part 5>

[tumblunni]

One of my other fave cuddles is my gengar named gaspar! I’m really filled with love for him too right now cos I’m learning ev training and apparantly he ended up being perfect for a speedy build, which just seems so cute and fitting for his personality! ^_^ I’m a bit tired so i dunno if I’ll ramble as much about him but here we go!

Gaspar is also a good friend: The Post

He also has a lil story behind how I got him, I think his is the more silly one. See, he’s actually a sinnoh reminder of mine! There’s one ~absolute asshole~ npc in sinnoh who offers you a trade of a haunter for a kadabra, but then when you get it you find out it had an everstone attatched. So she got a trade exclusive evo and left you without yours, and this is friggin AN INGAME NPC! It was so memorable to me because i got trolled by nintendo personally! XD So i wanted to spite that npc by adoring that haunter so much forever. And I kept him for the next decade and loved him a many! I actually kinda got attatched to him being stuck as a haunter forever, cos I didnt have any friends to trade with. Haunter has always been my fave of the evo line, even if i preferred its early design where it was shadowy and had a glowy outline similar to gastly. (I think that stopped in gsc? it was always pure purple in the official art but the spritework looked SO much better...) So I actually ended up irrationally upset when he finally evolved by accident during a trade like six years later. i totally forgot that he even COULD evolve! I feel bad that i was upset at my friend I did the trade with, I knew it was irrational but I still whined like a lil baby. I was all ‘ugh now he’s FAT’ like a stupid hypocrite XD But now that we have mega gengar and i have my own gengar plush at last, ive grown to like it a lot more. And honestly id still be just as attatched to my pokemon even if they completely change appearance, its not like I hated gaspar just because i didnt like the species as much. IM SORRY GASPAR FOR MY DUMB POUTING! You are so cool you changed my mind on gengars!!! Also its a nice excuse to redesign his really old gijinka form I drew once:

Anyway, his personality is a big ol childish goofy lug! He’s kinda similar to the personality i ended up headcanoning for my rotom gizmo all those years later. honestly i always have a sort of perspective on how all ghost pokemon fundementally are, even tho i still try and give them their own personality too. All ghosts are some form of cheerful tricksters, okay! Gaspar in particular is a big snickering lazy loaf of hugs who is absolutely addicted to sugary junk foods. ‘The wonders of the modern world!’ Even though he’s kinda procrastinatey about actually doing what he has to do, he’s very hyper about pulling pranks on everyone and generally being kinda like Loki from norse myth? He’s a bit more morally flexible than the others, or its more like he has trouble remembering what a lot of stuff was like from being human. (I’ll get to his backstory in a bit!) He’s definately a well-intentioned guy but he can be very scary to his enemies, and sometimes accidentally cause problems for the group cos his vices are easily manipulateed. He tends to get stringed along by his ‘ghost instincts’ to pull pranks even when its self destructive, and he always jumps in without thinking. A candy in the middle of a blatantly obvious trap = he registers the candy part and only gets the rest when he’s already captured XD But also he’s probably the member of the older pokemon that’s the most open about his affections. He’s one big ol jolly hug to everyone who asks, and everyone who doesnt! Even though him and Reaper can both be sly together, he doesnt understand this young man’s strange fascination with pretending he doesnt have emotions. Gaspar’s one big driving force behind all his various quirks is that he’s flawlessly honest. He finds it hard to keep quiet when he’s joyous, and everything is made of joy nowadays! He’s just really happy to be alive right now... or, well, “alive”. But also his easily exciteable nature means he blurts out all secrets with no restraint, and has trouble not throwing a childish tantrum whenever the tiniest thing goes wrong. Though, still, he’s very rarely ACTUALLY angry, and will forget about it in like ten seconds. he just kinda enjoys making a fuss XD Then again on the rare occasion he is mad it is because you HURT HIS CHILDREN, and you will really get to see why gengars are known as spirits of vengeance...

So yeah! Backstory! This was actually the first thing I thought up for him, and it shaped his whole character. Again, it all came from that one weird ingame trade! ‘Gaspar’ felt like an odd name to give a random trade, I mean its a cute pun but also its like an olden times name you dont hear often. So I imagined maybe this ghost is the spirit of a human from long ago, and obviously he’d be excited to try modern junk food, etc etc the beginnings of a character! But cos I am blessed with the ability to create sad headcanons out of everything, I... did that! Alas! I somehow got a really sad idea for who this mysterious old human nobleman could have been. I thought maybe he was a guy who was murdered and came back from the grave to take revenge on his killers, but then had to deal with still being stuck here even after his big quest was finished. Making a new life because he cant go back to his old one. Initially the idea was that he was a guy killed on his wedding day, hence the tuxedo in that old design. But he ended up feeling more like an asexual character as I developed him, so thats a bit outdated now. He’s just like the dad of a thousand kids and no wife. Its good that he’s finally happy nowadays with all these new friends! A shame it took that long though, he can barely even remember who he used to be. (A more cynical part of him thinks that maybe going senile is the only reason he’s able to finally let go, and he wonders if he missed many other chances to make a new family cos he was so hung up on mourning a life he couldnt go back to...)

Anyway, even though his powers were born from rage and hatred, he finds that becoming a ghost is the thing that helped him forget all of that. He just has kind of a childlike joy for this stuff. He claims its ‘pokemon instincts’ or whatever and he had no part whatsoever in his own development from a scary anger man into everyone’s dad, but honestly that just seems like he’s making excuses not to give himself credit. there’s nothing here but the fact that his fundemental nature is a kind man who can find wonder in the simplest of things. Yknow, when he isnt being distracted by great tragedy! It was just like ‘wow i’d never thought about it but gaining the ability to fly and walk through walls is pretty kickass’. Think of all the pranking potential! And he proceeded to distract himself from his loneliness by haunting the graveyard and running around wearing bedsheets. But at the same time sneaking around the town and doing good deeds for everyone, even if they were all terrified of him. And no matter how sad he got, he could be cheered up by the tiniest thing like just being able to see the sunset again. He always remembers how scared he was thinking that he was gonna die at such a young age and never get to do so many things... And then his loneliness started easing when he realized he could talk to other pokemon now, and he worked up the courage to leave his grave and travel the world in search of a new place to belong. Then... he ended up with a bunch of shitty trainers!! But at least thankfully he was finally traded to our protagonist and now things are looking up ^_^

Oh and yeah thats why his old design looked so young, even though he was always meant to be the oldest team member. (Not just chronologically I mean, he’s like 300 but he’s like middle age by ghost standards.) Tho really saying he died at a nebulous teen-young adult age was just my excuse because those were the only people I was able to draw at the time. And i was dumb and thought every other sort of more creative design was ‘ugly’ and everyone should be a generic anime bishie :P Honestly redesigning him to look like a cool cuddly butler or a circus ringleader or all the millions of gengar gijinka ideas would be a HUGE improvement for his character! Even if he’s childish he’s still the team dad, yo! Im just worried that I won’t be able to draw a spoopy action pose again, I always felt like that first pic was a huge fluke. It was my best piece of artwork for like four years straight, I barely ever improve :P Also I really liked his hair as a haunter, but funnily enough I designed him like a few months before Charon was revealed, lol. Now it just looks like i tried to copy him! Bishie teen gaspar loses a bit of the appeal when he’s stealing looks from old men XD I’m thinking maybe he could have a cute mustache of some sort now, in the shape of ghosty spikeys? or a top hat that’s spiky on top, or a bunch of other ways to make him resemble gengar’s mohawk without actually having one. Nothing against that hairstyle but it maybe wouldnt work for a middle aged stay at home dad whose greatest form of punk activity is eating frozen poptarts out of the box.

OH WAIT Maybe he could reuse this design I did of myself as a ghost for a meme??

“chubby characters are something I will never draw ever, they can never look cool” said the past bunni, continuing to be incredibly chubb srsly ditching the self hate and doing some stylization lessons is the only place where i can admit my art improved!

[exactlywhoyouthinkiwas-blog]

[3/3/2015 9:41:28 PM] Evan: Hey. [3/3/2015 9:43:51 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: Yo [3/3/2015 9:44:11 PM] Evan: How're you [3/3/2015 9:44:59 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: Fine. I guess. [3/3/2015 9:45:00 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: You [3/3/2015 9:47:27 PM] Evan: I'm alright. What's up? [3/3/2015 9:50:22 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: Nothing. and by nothing i mean i cant make myself actually do things. [3/3/2015 9:52:20 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: wha bout you [3/3/2015 9:53:24 PM] Evan: About to work on that picture again. [3/3/2015 9:53:51 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: sounds like a fun [3/3/2015 9:57:11 PM] Evan: Yup. [3/3/2015 9:57:24 PM] Evan: Did you ever finish that birthday present? [3/3/2015 9:57:43 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: nope [3/3/2015 9:58:04 PM] Evan: Did you ever start it? :P [3/3/2015 9:59:10 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: no. Im having trouble even just drawing a hand a whole bust isnt really going to work. [3/3/2015 9:59:47 PM] Evan: Ah. D: [3/3/2015 10:01:51 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: yeah....stuff isnt really coming out right or well [3/3/2015 10:04:16 PM] Evan: Ah. Well maybe it doesn't have to O: [3/3/2015 10:07:49 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: i dont really...like...putting out things that are very subpar. it has to be only the best [3/3/2015 10:10:37 PM] Evan: Makes sense, I s'pose. [3/3/2015 10:11:47 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: aight. so...i have a question for YOU *squints* [3/3/2015 10:12:21 PM] Evan: Oh? [3/3/2015 10:12:36 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: Like wwwwwwwwwwwww [3/3/2015 10:12:37 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: why [3/3/2015 10:12:42 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: do you even care [3/3/2015 10:12:44 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: about ME [3/3/2015 10:12:50 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: like im thebiggest waste [3/3/2015 10:12:56 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: of ANYONES time [3/3/2015 10:15:10 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: like im not really worth the effort of caring over. like i know i cant make people stop but i question why they do. [3/3/2015 10:16:58 PM] Evan: Why do you think you're a waste of time? [3/3/2015 10:18:27 PM] Evan: You're one of the people I've met that I wanted to get to know better, and I wasn't going to get that chance without just talking to you. I think you're very interesting, and also [3/3/2015 10:18:41 PM] Evan: it seemed to me that you wanted someone to talk to. [3/3/2015 10:19:16 PM] Evan: And I like talking to you. You aren't wasting my time. [3/3/2015 10:19:51 PM] Evan: Even if we don't talk about anything in particular. [3/3/2015 10:21:41 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: ..I still dont really understand but i had to ask. Like i dont know i dont really understand why people do things. I already knew the answer wouldnt make sense to me, but i guess its better to actually have one. [3/3/2015 10:22:22 PM] Evan: What part doesn't make sense [3/3/2015 10:25:43 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: I dont know like i still dont understand like im not really that special...aside from the fact i got a huge short end of the stick when it comes to mental shit which renders me the most socially inept asshole on the planet [3/3/2015 10:31:27 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: I shoulda guessed the answer wouldnt really make too much sense to me.. I personally just dont get why everyone likes me i get thats a personal opinion i just *shrugshrug* [3/3/2015 10:34:23 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: (just to clarify im not saying i dont like you or hate talking to you. like youre the only person who actually talks to me now. i just wanted to clarify in case it seemed like i was giving off that impression) [3/3/2015 10:34:39 PM] Evan: Nah, not really. [3/3/2015 10:34:59 PM] Evan: I've just been trying to think of a way to say the thing without sounding like some kind of motivational bullshit. [3/3/2015 10:35:45 PM] Evan: but for some reason the first thing that came to mind was "No one's special, but everyone is different." lmao [3/3/2015 10:36:06 PM] Evan: And I have no idea how to follow that up. [3/3/2015 10:36:35 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: oh. ok. i just didnt want to sound like i was being a COMPLETE asshole [3/3/2015 10:37:40 PM] Evan: but yeah [3/3/2015 10:37:52 PM] Evan: something something you'recoolerthanyouthink something something [3/3/2015 10:41:19 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: pbbt this coming from the person who calls themself a loser whenever they have to mention themself, or a "social wreck". there is an irony here i can just smell it. [3/3/2015 10:45:37 PM] Evan: haha yeah. I'm 20 years old, single my entire life, have one friend, a dead-end entry-level job, and spend all of my free time in this here chair. I'm certainly a loser with very not good social skills. Maybe you are too. Really makes no difference, because it's still nice talking to you. [3/3/2015 10:48:28 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: I dont even have a job yet, so you may say you are a loser, but youre not a dirty hikkiNEET like me. i dont even sit in a chair tho...i actually never move from my bed. [3/3/2015 10:49:57 PM] Evan: Bed's pretty soft, that's probably the way to go. [3/3/2015 10:54:43 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: Weh, they get worn down easy. but im gonna have to say it, youre pretty interesting tooooo. =:A [3/3/2015 11:01:06 PM] Evan: Haha thanks [3/3/2015 11:01:41 PM] Evan: also what is that smiley [3/3/2015 11:01:44 PM] Evan: it looks like a dinosaur [3/3/2015 11:02:43 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: the A is suppoosed to be a mouth...and like the = is the eyes the : is just there because. [3/3/2015 11:03:37 PM] Evan: lol [3/3/2015 11:05:15 PM] Evan: These things confuse me. But as far as smileys go I'm pretty basic. [3/3/2015 11:05:42 PM] Evan: I never make this face -> :D [3/3/2015 11:05:45 PM] Evan: but I use it the most [3/3/2015 11:07:38 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: i just make whatever the fuck. like i really just put stuff together so most of the things i make arent even like widely used ??? [3/3/2015 11:07:59 PM] Evan: lol that's a new one [3/3/2015 11:09:52 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: like i said most of the time i just throw shit together..its a metaphor for my life [3/3/2015 11:10:13 PM] Evan: I'd hope it wasn't literal. [3/3/2015 11:11:55 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: The only literal i am is garbage. (·c·) [3/3/2015 11:12:43 PM] Evan: Then I'd reccommend avoiding curbs and community service workers. [3/3/2015 11:13:39 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: im already in garbage hell, home of not doing what im supposed to be ever [3/3/2015 11:18:04 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: like at this rate itll be 2 years later and then i finally release an episode [3/3/2015 11:18:45 PM] Evan: Just as long as it releases. heh [3/3/2015 11:20:22 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: by then all my voice actors would probably quit and id be back to like square one. like how am i gonna do all this in 3 months i only made the deadline so long because i still need to do the fucking opening and shit [3/3/2015 11:21:16 PM] Evan: Ah. Openings suck. [3/3/2015 11:22:33 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: i dont even know what to do with the first one because its so uninteresting. like its tooooo happy [3/3/2015 11:25:14 PM] Evan: lol [3/3/2015 11:25:21 PM] Evan: Isn't season 1 supposed to be happy tho [3/3/2015 11:26:28 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: yesssssssssss its like "lets be real you know dis aint the story you making" [3/3/2015 11:26:48 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: but i have to so i can crush peoples hopes and dreams [3/3/2015 11:29:41 PM] Evan: aka the best thing ever [3/3/2015 11:29:48 PM] Evan: crushing hopes and dreams that is [3/3/2015 11:31:05 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: too much power for one man to hold this should be illegal [3/3/2015 11:31:50 PM] Evan: The police are on their way. [3/3/2015 11:31:56 PM] Evan: Scratch that. [3/3/2015 11:32:01 PM] Evan: The garbage men [3/3/2015 11:34:04 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: oh nooo. how will i live now, the only thing i ever do is illegal nooo [3/3/2015 11:38:30 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: how am i going to write stories now [3/3/2015 11:39:09 PM] Evan: write them on prison toilet paper [3/3/2015 11:42:45 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: you cant animate in garbage jail. how am i supposed to destroy peoples expectations and kill mains now [3/3/2015 11:46:52 PM] Evan: Write them coded letters. [3/3/2015 11:46:57 PM] Evan: Decode for spoilers. [3/3/2015 11:49:36 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: thats so much work tho. why cant things just make themselves [3/3/2015 11:54:38 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: fanime would be so much easier that way. like it wouldnt take like one person 5 years to work on something [3/3/2015 11:55:04 PM] Evan: That would be great. [3/3/2015 11:55:10 PM] Evan: Sit back and watch your own show. lol [3/3/2015 11:56:56 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: like you could just do like put the whole show up at once there it fucking is and actually be able to move on with your life [3/3/2015 11:57:22 PM] Evan: All ten shows. [3/4/2015 12:00:19 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: ...its 12....it miiiiight be 13 theres something im not sure about because its probably too edge to be able to put on youtube. and i dont know the meaning of turn it down like...but from what i remember yeah its 12 or so titles counting all of the stuff in the MSC continuity as one entity [3/4/2015 12:00:55 AM] Evan: whats the edge one O: [3/4/2015 12:05:35 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: I havent actually announced it because im not sure if im gonna make it but if i do it would be called KamiGami or Paper Gods, just because, and like theres some world building thatd need to be done to it but basically its like a "demon tamer" which is just like a higher up demon comes to some town disguised as a foreign exchange student to protect it from like demons and shit and ends up fighting some guy from a family thats had a long spanning feud with his and thats why the main guys family is all dead and shit. mostly what im unsure about is that its going to have like gore and shit which ehhhhh i dont know how id get around that [3/4/2015 12:10:30 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: i have like until the end of the year to decide tho *shrugshrug* [3/4/2015 12:16:16 AM] Evan: Well you can absolutely put gore on YouTube without it being a problem. [3/4/2015 12:16:44 AM] Evan: It's really only sexual stuff that gets taken down, and even then it has to be specifically pornographic. [3/4/2015 12:21:14 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: Weh, i mean i usually like to try and be safe with stuff, i dont know ill sort that one out later [3/4/2015 12:21:55 AM] Evan: hahayeah [3/4/2015 12:22:02 AM] Evan: many things to do first [3/4/2015 12:24:18 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: yeah. i still gotta catch up in terms of episodes considering there was like a whole years worth of not working on any. [3/4/2015 12:25:55 AM] Evan: O: [3/4/2015 12:29:28 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: like you can say what you want about "supposed to have 2 episodes out by now" I shouldve at least had one CLOSE to done. [3/4/2015 12:34:44 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: I probably wont actually even meet my deadline either like i usually never do. like I think that i give it enough time but i always miss them [3/4/2015 12:35:54 AM] Evan: D: [3/4/2015 12:36:03 AM] Evan: when does cat girl get introduced [3/4/2015 12:36:06 AM] Evan: like actually introduced [3/4/2015 12:37:45 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: episode 2. shes like the 3rd classmate to...i think its third. Yeah 3rd shes the 3rd classmate to intruduce themselves [3/4/2015 12:43:18 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: i never expected so many people to like her tho but like i think i got the most auditions from her from like both men and women. I think i made the right choice tho her voice is pretty funny gueheheh [3/4/2015 12:47:45 AM] Evan: nice [3/4/2015 12:52:58 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: yeah. tenshi auditioned for her too which i found surprising. we both agreed tho that that isnt a thing, cause like theres no way hed be able to make that voice ever again [3/4/2015 1:11:23 AM] Evan: lol [3/4/2015 1:15:52 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: Yeah, I dont blame him tho higher nasily voices are a bitch. [3/4/2015 1:34:12 AM] Evan: Yeah. [3/4/2015 1:39:25 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: at least yall dont sound 12 tho. [3/4/2015 1:39:57 AM] Evan: Sounding 12 is not great. [3/4/2015 1:41:40 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: like i dont wanna sound 12 but honestly i dont wanna go through trying to find anther high voice thats not impossible to do for doki so like ok shes 12 its only for this series [3/4/2015 1:45:01 AM] Evan: lol [3/4/2015 1:49:15 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: yeh. like it was a joke voice originally anyway, and i hate myself everyday for doing that. [3/4/2015 1:52:09 AM] Evan: Those decisions are the best. [3/4/2015 1:52:16 AM] Evan: oh yeah btw [3/4/2015 1:52:20 AM] Evan: http://drahveson.deviantart.com/art/Blue-517909682?ga_submit_new=10%253A1425451891&ga_type=edit&ga_changes=1&ga_recent=1 [3/4/2015 1:53:09 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: cool shit. [3/4/2015 1:53:24 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: what do you mean "awkward everything" haha [3/4/2015 1:53:48 AM] Evan: It's a bit wonky. heh [3/4/2015 1:54:07 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: it look FINE [3/4/2015 1:55:06 AM] Evan: Well I'm glad you like it. [3/4/2015 1:58:04 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: why wouldnt i? [3/4/2015 1:58:35 AM] Evan: Dunno. lol [3/4/2015 1:58:44 AM] Evan: Maybe because it's a bit wonky. :P [3/4/2015 2:01:09 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: pbbt yeah right. theres nothing thats like super off i dont see much of a problem with it at all. [3/4/2015 2:02:09 AM] Evan: There are some things I'm not crazy about, but that's just my art in general. lol [3/4/2015 2:05:26 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: well thats pretty much how it always is. like i just spent hours trying to do foreshortened hands and even with a photo reference i think they look terrible, but i know theres gonna be the one person whos like "i cant even draw hands lol" [3/4/2015 2:05:41 AM] Evan: haha yeah [3/4/2015 2:14:51 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: yeah, well, regardless of what you think i think it turned out great. [3/4/2015 2:17:11 AM] Evan: In which case I'm glad you think so. It is for you, after all. [3/4/2015 2:23:27 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: wellllll, thank you for drawing it. its pretty fab. [3/4/2015 2:24:34 AM] Evan: Welllllll thank you for requesting it [3/4/2015 2:29:23 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: its no problem.....iguesss [3/4/2015 3:49:38 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: (im prrrrobably gonna be bopping off for now so like i guess ill catchya tomorrow) (yes thats technically today but who cares) [3/4/2015 3:50:22 AM] Evan: Alrighty. Good night. [3/4/2015 3:50:50 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: yeh GN

[hazeldough]

i........ have a lot of feelings about tpodg with the announcement of the film adaption

disclaimer: i’m not mlm, so i can’t speak about that part of its narrative in place of mlm. plus, the film adaption was only recently announced and we don’t really have any details on it except that it exists and is set to have female leads. 

and while i’ve done my share of analysis on the book and some of wilde’s history and really passionate about both, there’s a lot i dont know yet or may be misinterpreting. my opinions and pov about tpodg and oscar wilde are subject to change the more i analyze the book and read about wilde’s life through his writings and the transcripts of his trials, so i’m open to reading other people’s opinion on the novel and film!

also, i got carried away and even busted out the copy i annotated in, so this got super lengthy. it’s mostly me reanalyzing the book after stepping away from it for a few months. 

oh, and spoilers ahead.

(i spent about 2 hours on this and it’s 4:27 am now.......... im already yelling @ a future me who is procrastinating on an essay, looking back at this moment thinking “hey, i wish u could put some of that focus and research into this thing right now” and hey......... hard same, buddy)

anyway.

 i just want the film adaption to not lose the essential themes and messages that come with tpodg and the weight it carried in wilde’s life.

it’s already not the best lgbt rep with its leads being assholes (dorian & henry) or (spoilers) ending up dead (basil). granted, the victorian era wasn’t the best time to make revolutionary strides in normalizing lgbt+ media, but it still was a novel that was written by a gay man that time period, drawing from his own experiences. 

wilde’s works primarily criticized english culture and society’s tendencies to put up a front for the public to save face for their personal lives. 

“My dear fellow, you forget that we are in the native land of the hypocrite.“

“Dorian,“ cried Hallward, “that is not the question. England is bad enough I know, and English society is all wrong. That is the reason why I want you to be fine. You have not been fine.“

Dorian & Basil (Chapter XII)

tpodg was no exception since it featured a lead who was groomed to believing that the downfall of others was the ultimate symbol of his love towards him and was eventually able to abuse/manipulate people on the regular through his charisma and get away with it because of his privileges. 

“Someone has killed herself for love of you. I wish that I had ever had such and experience. It would have made me in love for the rest of my life.“ (Lord Henry Wotton, Chapter VIII)

and it’s not like no one was aware that dorian had major red flags around him. because they did.

“Women who had wildly adored him, and for his sake had braved all social censure and set convention at defiance, were seen to grow pallid with shame or horror if Dorian Gray entered the room.“ (Chapter XI)

“Why is it, Dorian, that a man like the Duke of Berwick leaves the room of a club when you enter it? Why is it that so many gentlemen in London will neither go to your home nor invite you to theirs?... Why is your friendship so fatal to young men? There was that wretched boy in the Guards who committed suicide. You were his great friend.“ (Basil Hallward, Chapter XII)

(that whole paragraph is just basil talking about how men are afraid to be associated with dorian, there’s way more stuff, but i felt that info was enough)

even though there were consistent and frequent rumors that surrounded him. no one believed that this cherub looking guy was the reason that everyone who interacted with him either had their reputation ruined for life or were driven to suicide. 

(spoilers) basil wasn’t an exception to this, not believing that all the rumors surrounding his friend, muse, and for a lack of better term crush were true. he was so blinded by his love that dorian was capable of bringing on ruin ultimately led to his death. 

“But you, Doian, with your pure, bright, innocent face, and your marvellous untroubled youth-- I can’t believe anything against you.“ (Basil Hallward, Chapter XII)

even dorian’s motives in murdering basil was a result of his own misattributions. instead of taking ownership of his own behavior, he placed blame on basil and his portrait instead.

“The friend who had painted the fatal portrait to which all his misery had been due, had gone out of his life.“ (Chapter XIII)

and when dorian was close to confessing what he had done to his confidant, the person arguably more responsible than basil for leading him to his lifestyle? he didn’t believe dorian either.

"What would you say, Harry, if I told you that I had murdered Basil?”

(...)

“I would say, my dear fellow that you were posing for a character that doesn’t suit you. All crime is vulgar, just as  all vulgarity is a crime. It is not in you, Dorian, to commit a murder. I am sorry if I hurt your vanity by saying so, but I assure you it is true. Crime belongs exclusively to the lower orders. I don’t blame them in the smallest degree. I should fancy that crime was to them what art is to us, simply a method of procuring extraordinary sensations.“

(Dorian & Lord Henry, Chapter XIX)

after stepping away from the book for a few months, i feel like some reevaluation is due. i initially approached the book thinking that it would end up with an ambiguously happy ending, having only heard slivers about it and knowing that it was written by a gay man. i guess the part of me that’s very invested in good redemption arcs and lgbt books in ap eng lit just wanted a book to read that didn’t feature weak character development and/or heteronormative relationships. the closest books i got were their eyes, atss, and tpodg.

but now that i’m looking back at it, most likely unpopular opinion: i personally think that tpodg isn’t a lgbt story. (even if it was, it’s not the best representation for lgbt characters since it has a lot of tropes that we now see as overused and negative) 

to me, it’s just a story that has lgbt characters. meaning that while the novel focused on dorian, it focused on his morality, not his sexuality. dorian knew who he liked, since it was heavily implied that dorian had male and female lovers. the story wasn’t focused on his romantic or sexual relationships, but on how his morals took a nose dive as he developed into a grade-A fuck boy using his multiple failed relationships as evidence of that.

i’ve come to understand that character development doesn’t always mean getting a redemption arc. good character development is a character starting from point A and actively moving towards point B with minor interference by other characters. most of the time, it’s a character going from morally neutral/bad to good. this time, it’s a character going from neutral to bad.

i do agree that there’s a huge imbalance of lgbt characters being portrayed as predatory and abusive instead of flawed and needing of development, adding on to preexisting homophobia that’s rampant in most cultures. i also agree that there needs to be more positive representation of lgbt characters, by lgbt people, for lgbt people. 

at the same time, tpodg was written before we could even safely discuss and address these issues in public. i’m saying that because wilde got straight up jailed for “gross indecency” for just being a gay man existing. but i don’t think wilde was unaware of the repercussions he’d face when he stated that being gay was normal. most of his works were about calling out the hypocrisy of english society. even in his own testimony at trial, he stated:

"The Love that dare not speak its name" in this century is such a great affection of an elder for a younger man as there was between David and Jonathan, such as Plato made the very basis of his philosophy, and such as you find in the sonnets of Michelangelo and Shakespeare. It is that deep, spiritual affection that is as pure as it is perfect. It dictates and pervades great works of art like those of Shakespeare and Michelangelo, and those two letters of mine, such as they are.”

full quote and transcript found here

wilde was fully aware that he was going to be imprisoned for being gay and accepted it. not because he was ignorant of how society functioned, but because he knew how it functioned. and he was right. and i want to say that he was aware of this even when he was writing tpodg (which was about 4-5 years before his trials took place).

even if tpodg was going to be portrayed with male leads, the film would be in an era with a new perspective about mlm relationships. homophobia is still rampant in multiple societies, but lgbt people and mlm in particular have more of a voice and agency to defend themselves, look for, and create media that is representative of their experiences without needing to pander to heterosexual audiences. it still isn’t perfect, knowing that mlm still have trouble telling their stories in a field dominated by straight women who only see to use them as objects for fetishization instead of helping them create a safe platform to be heard.

basically, wilde’s context for writing tpodg is drastically different from how it can be interpreted and discussed today vs how it was in his time. based on that, i’m inferring that if writing a negative, heavily implied mlm relationship was deemed criminal enough as it is, i imagine he would have faced even more horrible punishment for writing a positive relationship between two men.

at the moment, we know nothing about the direction the film is going to follow, other than that it’ll be female-led. and, judging from the recent string of female led films (ghostbusters & oceans eight), i’m going to safely assume it’ll be a dominantly female cast, with dorian, basil, and henry being portrayed by women, and them all being wlw. (there’s a better word to describe this, it starts with a p, but it’s 4 AM now and i’m losing steam)

i’m not saying that the movie is going to be free from homophobic comments, but i am saying that it’ll face more criticism for not accurately portraying SGA (same gender attraction) relationship more than it featuring a SGA relationship at all.

even with the lack of information, i feel like if i’m going to be consistent about an opinion it’s this: the any adaption can do is to keep elements of the book while being cognisant of its perspective and purpose.

at the same time, i do want the film to deviate from the novel by being more open about the leads’ sexuality while also addressing the tropes that’s present in the society its set in and how it affects the narrative. 

to me, the film doesnt have to be a carbon copy of the novel, it just has to have the same vibe the book gave and to do that, it has to be aware of the issues wlw face in society today but also integrate it into the victorian era setting.

...yes, i know it sounds really confusing but i’ve spent around 2 hours on this already and it’s currently 4:24 AM. i’m doing my best my sleep deprived and coffee fueled brain can do atm. but again, i’m open to discuss this when i’m more put together and see more perspectives on the film adaption.

i am aware that there might not be enough elbow room for that to happen since society’s still pretty homophobic (albeit, not as much as before) as well as time constraints that come with adapting a book to a movie. still though, it’s something i’m interested to see be executed properly.