#guy who is worshipping at the altar of his best friend and gets weirded out when people treat him like a regular guy

[greatkateweathermachine]

the funniest part of the whole "jughead commissions a ten foot tall statue of archie shirtless" thing isn't even that jughead did that in the first place, it's that he was trying to get that statue put up in a public park and was devastated when that didn't happen

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

Describe what would happen if Lily (from "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus") suddenly found herself in cannon Harry Potter world in the middle of his fifth year? Oh, and she can't bullshit herself out of this one for some reason, instead she stays there for a month or two while Rabbit, Lenin, and Trotsky somehow join forces and try to find a way to bring her back. Bonus points if Lily crashes a DA meeting and kicks some peoples butts anticlimactically.

Oh boy, that I’m sure would go so well for all involved. In the middle, you say? Alright, let’s do this thing. For my sanity I’m going to pretend this taking place in an up to date version of “Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus” as of chapter 7-whatever we’re on right now.

So, there’s a couple of different ways that Lily can arrive. There’s a few obvious ones that stick out to me.

First, it just somehow happens. Reality’s falling apart in Lily’s own dimension and two seconds away from collapse. Rabbit’s floating around as these things called dementors, eating Umbridge, speaking English all the time, shit’s going down. It’s not all that out of the realm of possibility that Lily accidentally falls into a wormhole which deposits her in canon land.

Second, someone summons Lily. Now, this could either be team good (hooray) or team bad (boo hiss). Lily, being a being of unspeakable power but fairly neutral alignment, could easily be summoned by both. That said, I’m not really sure who to blame the summoning on.

The obvious choice is Harry, because Harry is stupid enough to summon a god to the mortal realm to slay Voldemort and Hermione’s smart enough to figure out how to do that for him. Go omnipotent creature, kill that evil snake man! However, we’re inserting Lily into canon directly, which means no short cuts of Harry having the dumbest idea he’s never had. Otherwise it’s not so much that the Order’s smart enough to know this is a bad idea but that such an idea would never actually occur to them. It says a lot that Dumbledore only ever gives tasks of any importance to Snape, the Order is kind of just... Harry’s glorified babysitters and taxi service.

So Harry and or the Order isn’t summoning Lily to solve all their problems for them. Good on them, smart choice.

Now, what about the Death Eaters and Voldemort?

With the Death Eaters we have a similar problem as the Order. Such an idea would never occur to them or if it would then they’re smart enough to say “NOOOOOOOOOO”. That said, if it ever did, oh Bellatrix would be so down. But only if the being worshipped at the altar of Voldemort’s wonderful... Voldemortness. Whatever it is she sees in him. 

Voldemort it depends where you lean on his characterization. We don’t actually see that much of him in canon, barely even hear from him, and we mostly hear about him from a variety of dubious sources (either people who have no idea what they’re even talking about or else Dumbledore who tells Harry this information while actively grooming Harry to kill himself). I’ve seen people characterize canon Voldemort as having once been brilliant but currently mad, as being mad and yet also brilliant despite his many failures, as not mad at all and his schemes are just so intelligent, so brilliant, that none of us can follow them and they all seem to end in failure, and there’s always what I think which we won’t discuss because I look bonkers enough on the internet.

Insane Voldemort might think it’s a great idea to summon some unknown god to stomp all over his enemies. I’m not exactly partial to cookoo bannanas Voldemort but honestly, it’s either him, Lily stumbling through a wormhole, or random kids chanting Bloody Mary in a mirror three times and out comes Lily.

Right, I wasted a lot of paragraphs on that.

Anyways, in the greatest scheme known to man, while Lucius is trying and failing to get that prophecy, Voldemort unearths some ancient text to summon an unknown god. A power that is unknown to mankind. So, I imagine Lily is summoned into canon much like that scene in Ghostbusters where the Sumerian god descends from the heavens. Glowing gate out of nothingness, fog machines, maybe a little less glitter and spandex, and instead Lily having no idea what the hell is even happening.

Lily, realizes she’s in deep shit as she notices Bellatrix prostrated on the ground in worship (of Voldemort of course, not Lily, Lily is just a deity and is nothing compared to the magnificence of the dark lord) as well as the various other Death Eaters all either looking terrified or in mindless awe of their lord’s amazing power. Lily feels like she’s entered Twin Peaks as she eventually is able to put together that the lisping snake man is supposed to be Wizard Lenin/Tom Riddle.  Lily and Voldemort probably have tea or something, but as he’s crazy bananas in this version per my own convenience and he looks like something that eats children, it doesn’t go well and Lily gets increasingly weirded out and convinced she’s in some sort of parallel hell reality that comes about when Rabbit eats the entire goddamn universe. So much like someone in a surreal horror movie, Lily flees into the night and goes to Hogwarts to see what madness is there. At first, she’s confused, as Hogwarts looks... mostly Hogwartsy. There are some differences. Umbridge is still alive and apparently torturing all the children as opposed to just Lily. The dementors are gone and apparently Black has now been on the run for years. Default doesn’t exist, instead Hermione Granger is still happily in Gryffindor with Luna Lovegood sorted into Ravenclaw. The biggest marker that everything has changed is that Ellie Potter appears to have been replaced by Harry Potter: A boy who looks oddly like Uncle Death. Now, Lily knows that Death is an alternate reality’s version of her, but this guy doesn’t act anything like him or sound anything like him. Not even a much younger, amnesiac, version. Death... plays quidditch. What is this? Lily tries to return home but is blocked, realizing this means that the Rabbit explanation is more likely, and in Hogwarts decides to see if she can resurrect something of the world she knows out of this monstrosity or at least see where Wizard Lenin ended up. Rabbit, missing in action, should certainly be hunted down.

Lily decides that her best bet is to tail this Harry Potter, who might be the result of whatever happens when Ellie Potter (the persona) is digested. So, Lily cons her way into being a student, joins Gryffindor, and tries and fails to get into Harry’s friend group. First, though she’s older than the thirteen-year-old she’s pretending to be in her original story thanks to time travel, she doesn’t look fifteen yet either. Second, no one just injects themselves into the Golden Trio.

Still, Lily tries and while Ron thinks she’s damn weird and Hermione finds her suspicious, Lily earns herself a billion bonus points by figuring out that all she has to say is, “Oh gee, Harry, I believe you that this bloke named Cedric Diggory was murdered and Voldemort is back from the dead. It’s so awful the Prophet is calling you a liar now have you happened to see a fellow with white hair, black eyes, might be a rabbit? No? Well, do let me know when you do, because he’s late for a very important date.”

Unfortunately, even being close to Harry, there’s no sign of Rabbit but Lily starts getting pulled into Harry’s woes. She hears about his detention with Umbridge (laughs awkwardly as she remembers what happened to Umbridge in her world), hears about quidditch being cancelled (Lily could care less but pretends to be sympathetic, yes Rabbit-eaten Ellie, it is awful that quidditch is cancelled), hears about Dumbledore ghosting Harry (Lily unimpressed as this is what Dumbledore does), and hears about Voldemort’s mysterious actions of mystery involving glowing orbs.

Lily drops that she doesn’t exactly think Lord Voldemort’s a man with a plan here but that’s not what the gang wants to hear so reluctantly, and unprompted, Lily promises to look into it. 

In the meantime Lily attends one DA session, turns it into horrifying dodgeball where the children are traumatized forever (because the patronus, Harry, really? That the grand self defense method against dark wizards we’re going to teach these people. No, no, we have to teach ‘duck or die’. You duck, or you die!) and is politely kicked out by Hermione who reminds Harry that he’s the one who should be teaching self defense and not terrifying transfer students who appear out of nowhere.

So Lily goes to fetch the prophecy instead. Having bullshit abilities and being secretly Harry Potter, in a way, herself she’s able to collect it and hears the thing. She remembers hearing this from her own dimension but decides to give it some more thought, then some more thought, then even more thought. She probably spends half a day trying to decide if this means Lily is secretly a zombie or Harry is the manifestation of her being secretly a zombie because ‘neither can live while the other survives’. Like all of us, Lily eventually decides prophecies are stupid, heads back home, and delivers the thing to Harry who is even less able to understand it than she is. Lily tells him that it probably means he’s a zombie, congratulations buddy, glad that’s been working out for you.

Meanwhile, as Lucius no doubt flips shit that the prophecy is simply gone, Voldemort starts taking action. He sends “I know where you live” letters to Lily at Hogwarts which promise doom and destruction and even more doom. Lily finds the idea of doom squared alarming. So, Lily decides to do what she does best, she sics one Tom Riddle on another Tom Riddle. What could go wrong? Lily asks Harry if he’s ever seen a diary with the name “Tom M. Riddle” on the inside cover. Harry flips shit and Lily has to talk fast to get him out of believing she’s the devil. When he tells her that Trotsky was murdered in perhaps the most hilarious manner possible in this world (a very true Rabbity end for him) she nearly gives up when impossibly she catches another hint of Tom Riddle in the air. She follows it to the source, the old Default Common room, and finds a very pretty tiara that Tom Riddle stuffed himself into.

Lily wakes him up in a very jarring manner, tells him that the other Tom Riddle is out there being Voldemort while he’s stuck here in a sad little crown, and tells him that it’s clearly his right to go beat the shit out of Voldemort to take what’s his and never bother Lily again. Tom is very, very, very confused. Instead of doing that he decides he’s going to stick around Hogwarts. That was not in Lily’s plan.

Forced, to hide his identity, Lily introduces him with the good old Albanian refugee trick. Only, without the excuse of A.L.F or Quirrell getting mauled by vampires that just sounds weirder than usual. Lily then backtracks and announces that Voldemort burned down his rural Welsh village (That’s right Umbridge, Voldemort is alive and burning down villages! I will take that detention, thank you!) Mot Elddir here is a true hero for surviving such an awful event and should be placed in Gryffindor now.

Harry is dumb enough though that meeting Tom Riddle face to face, even with blonde hair, Harry can’t quite recognize him though there’s something familiar with this chap. Dumbledore is not that stupid and starts gagging in horror at the staff table and has his suspicions of this Lily girl being a Death Eater/Voldemort himself confirmed. Dumbledore confronts Lily, Lily plays hilariously dumb, “What Death Eaters, people who eat death? Never heard of it, sounds contagious.” Dumbledore confronts Mot Elddir who just finds this all hilarious and has decided that Lily is his new favorite thing that he’s kidnapping as soon as he discovers what he wants to do with his life. He tells Dumbledore this is the best thing since Christmas, and yes he has many many evil schemes involving all the children (he has none).  Voldemort instructs Snape to poison Lily, and while Snape feels a pang of conscience at murdering children, Dumbledore gives the go ahead in that they’ll send Lily to the hospital wing where perhaps they can then give her veritiserum and get some answers about what the hell Voldemort is up to. Well, Lily gets poisoned and realizes that she has so many enemies now that she honestly can’t tell if it’s Dumbledore (who is her enemy for her having blatantly released Tom Riddle) or Voldemort (who is her enemy because... she’s not actually sure why for that just that she maybe didn’t burn down London). Being Lily, she doesn’t die or is sent to the hospital wing, and just kills herself to wash the poison out. Snape is horrified and astounded that the girl appears perfectly fine. He’s even more horrified as he hears news of what he missed out on while at Hogwarts, Voldemort summoned some great power into this world and rumor has it that it’s loose at Hogwarts.

Lily talks to her newest Tom friend and tells him that if he’s going to stick around he should help her find out who just murdered her and all that. She doesn’t like being murdered, while dying’s alright, somehow being murdered makes it all that much more unpleasant. New Tom is not very sympathetic and notes that he’s here for his entertainment, not preventing her from being murdered. He just spent the past several decades as a crown, give him a break.

Dumbledore decides that time’s up, time to put Harry to the test. Unfortunately, Harry takes this as a moment to go “Welly well well, look who finally has time for Harry Potter? Finally has time to tell him a prophecy HE COULD HAVE TOLD HIM ABOUT YEARS AGO!” So, Harry destroys his office. After Harry has his Tommy Wiseau temper tantrum (I can’t imagine it any other way), Dumbledore tries to tell Harry that his new friend (who was so kind to fetch him that prophecy, impossibly, from the department of mysteries) is likely some eldritch abomination summoned by Voldemort from another world. Harry alone can defeat her.

Harry at first is angry and disbelieving. Dumbledore notes that Harry must have noticed that dear Mot is really just Tom Riddle going blonde. Harry is speechless, but it’s all true, and he desperately points out that Tom could have done something to Lily. Dumbledore notes that Lily was weird before Tom showed up, hasn’t Harry wondered why Lily doesn’t ever seem to need a wand? Ever? 

Harry is horrified and leaves in a daze. On returning to Gryffindor he confronts Lily and asks her some of what Dumbledore asks him. Lily badly tries to pretend she had no idea Mot was evil incarnate, “Tom Riddle? What? No. No! There’s no way that Dear Mot could possibly be Tom” but has no excuses for why she’s so unbelievably talented. Lily decides to just go for it and explains to Harry that this world isn’t even real, it’s a cheap reflection of what reality used to be, that an extradimensional creature other than her has devoured them all and this thing is the result. Lily’s not sure she can fix it, but she can at least try to find the thing that did this to them.

This is enough confirmation for Harry and, fueled by betrayal, he demands a duel with her. Lily notes she doesn’t want to duel but Harry insists. Rather than do it, she runs away, grabs Tom and notes they’re leaving Hogwarts now. Only, outside of Hogwarts protection, she and Tom are easily tracked down and picked up by Death Eaters.

Tom is vaguely embarrassed by the whole get up, as Lily points out how and why it’s ridiculous, while Voldemort probably circles the pair of them and gives some very menacing lisping speech of evil. Lily points out that this is not her fault, Voldemort’s just weird and Lily kind of likes London, she feels no need to stomp on it. 

Before Lily’s forced to kill Voldemort, Rabbit finally shows up, notes that Lily’s the one who’s late, and pulls her into a wormhole. 

The other Tom Riddle is left behind in dumb horror, realizing as the seconds tick by, that apparently Lily is not coming back for him.

The end.

[palettes-and-prompts]

Character Palette/Personality Palette

If I have seen the movie/show/or whatever this character is in I will let you know! But if I haven't I'm just gonna give my best guess to their personality or what I think they like and everything. I will make them two palettes, one based on their appearance and one based on what I think their personality is. If you'd rather not see this just block the tag "character palette and personality guess" I figure no one's tagging anything like that so it should be easy to filter out. If you genuinely like this character and I lowkey diss them I'm sorry, I'm not going to apologize though, you're going to have to live with it. If you wanna send me a character for a palette and my guess at their personality/interests just drop it on anon and I'll see what I can do.

Alright so this is Seth Twiright from the series Evillious Chronicles. Never seen it or heard of it until now.

I don't like him. Maybe it's the eyes, maybe it's the lighting but I don't like him. He's mad culty. I do not trust him. He looks like a cult leader about to tell me about how I should come to the gathering he's having. That they're all going to be sitting around to worship and if he picks you for the ceremony that means you'll get to ascend. And you're like "Oh wow, this for sure is a cult." And all his followers are all smiles with bright eyes telling you it's not a cult and you've got nothing to worry about. But you should be worried. You should be nervous. You're looking around the room for the exits but there are big buff dudes standing in front of them to make sure no one gets out. And you look to your friends who invited you and you see they've got the same look in their eyes as the rest of them. You don't know what to do because you only came because your friend said you'd get chicken nuggets afterwards. And your friend is just reassuring you everything's okay but it's not. It's not okay and you've got to find a way out. And then this guy walks up to you and tells you he wants you to be the special one for the ceremony. And it's weird and everyone is jealous because they wanted to be the one to get picked as the special one. And you're terrified because you don't know what the fuck that means but it puts a bad feeling in your gut. You wanna run, you wanna get out but the group of people are leading you to a room with windows too small to crawl out of to change into the outfit needed to be the special one. And it's a robe, silky and white and they tell you you can't leave the room until you put it on and go to the bathroom before you leave. When you do you look in the mirror and you look like what you think angels look like if they exist. You check the cabinets and manage to find a pair of scissors. And you take them before you leave and walk through a hallway with the others. They're close to you, making sure you don't break out to try and leave. And you manage to slice one and get away, finding a phone and calling the police. You tell them about the cult, you tell them about everything and when you run outside they try to stop you from leaving. You run around and accidentally find the site of the ceremony and the altar waiting with some sort of red liquid you have a bad feeling about and a dagger, twisted and intricate like it was made especially for this. You go to leave when the men standing in front of the doors from earlier block your way. You can feel yourself shaking in front of them but then you hear the sirens of the police cars pull up. And your relieved and you tell the officers everything and they tell you you're safe now as they take the scissors from you. But then they lead you towards the site, one on each arm so you can't break free. You struggle in their grip to get away but they hand you over to the others dressed for the ceremony in all white pants and shirts. And the men hold you down on the altar as Seth takes the bowl, dipping his finger in it as he traces down the bridge of your nose over your mouth. And you don't want to taste it but you end up doing so anyway and the familiar taste of iron makes you want to vomit. You look to your friend, screaming, pleading for them to help you. But they tell you everything's going to be alright, that you're the special one and that means something. They all say words in another language you don't understand but suspect is old Latin. Seth looks you in the eyes and raises the dagger as you're hyperventilating until the point that you're getting lightheaded. And just as you think you're going to pass out he brings the dagger down. Then you ascend.

Anyway here's his palette based on his character design.

And here is his palette based on what I think his personality is.

I usually don’t apologize for these but I’m sorry about this one. I went on a trip with this one. But I’m not gonna change it because I already wrote it out and I kind of like it for him. It definitely fits.

[justjessame]

Hellfire and Angelic Grace Chapter 3

THREE DAYS LATER

Lilana was stretching behind the bar. It was still early, so there weren’t too many customers, even for the last day of Spring Break. She was trying to get rid of a knot in her neck, but everything she was trying wasn’t working, and she really needed to do inventory today.

“You look tense,” a deep voice said from a seat at the bar. She looked up into green eyes, and smiled.

“Not tense,” she answered, trying again to roll her neck and get the cramp to release. “Fell asleep at my desk last night, and now, my fucking neck feels like it’s been in a vice.” She groaned, putting down her clipboard and clasping her hands before stretching them above her head. She was rewarded with a crack in her tight shoulder, but her neck still fucking hurt.

Dean watched as her t-shirt, loose but not long, rose to show a swatch of skin at her midsection when she stretched her arms high. He swallowed hard, thinking her skin must be soft and had to fight a moan. Her shirt was low cut, clearly utilizing her assets to her advantage, but she looked comfortable too. She was wearing shorts today, and her feet were in flip flops.

“Slept here?” He asked, forcing his eyes on her face, and happy to see her eyes were closed as she kept working to get her neck back to full force. He knew she’d slept here, his dad had camped in the damn truck next door after all. “Now why would you do that?”

Li-Li smiled as she opened her eyes, wondering who this attentive stranger was, but thinking he was harmless. “Balancing the books. It’s not the most stimulating activity.” She nodded at his beer bottle. “Ready for another?” He shook his head and took a sip. “I’m Li-Li, by the way, owner of this shipwreck of a bar.”

Dean smiled and held out his hand. “Dean Winchester.” Her hand touched his and he felt a charge run through him. Jesus, he thought, looking into her eyes. Her head was tilted as she held his hand, as though she felt it, but was trying to figure out what it meant. He pulled his hand away and ran it through his hair with a chuckle. “If you want, I could give your neck a try.” He didn’t know why he was offering, he sounded awkward and weird. Like Sam.

Li-Li shrugged and walked around to the other side of the bar. “Why not?” She asked, moving her loose hair out of the way. “Anything if it gets the kink out of there and I can go back to inventory without pain.”

Dean licked his lips and gently touched her skin. He could feel the tight spot immediately, as though it were a magnet to his hands. He kneaded her skin, working until the tightness left and feeling the charge rush through him with every contact. She moaned as the pain left her and his pants suddenly felt too tight. His mouth went dry and he thought about how she’d sound moaning his name. When he’d massaged the knot away, she turned around and he dropped his hands to the bar.

“Wow,” she sighed, rolling her shoulders and turning her head easily now. “Might have to keep you around, Dean.” She smiled up at him and licked her bottom lip. “You have magic hands.”

She walked back around the bar and picked up her clipboard again. “Anytime,” he finally answered almost breathlessly, the distance between them making it a bit easier to uncloud his mind. He took a long pull from his beer and she handed him another.

“On the house,” she said, moving back to her work. “And more than worth the price.” She winked at him and he gulped.

Dear Chuck, he thought, watching her move back and forth. Save him? More like trying to ruin his mental state. When it was Sam’s turn to take over the watch, Dean didn’t know if he was happy to leave or tortured by it. He rushed to the house Crowley provided for their use to take a LONG cold shower. He had a feeling the shower, the cold water, was going to become his constant companion after his time in her presence. He had to think that the King of Hell would kill him if he went so far as to act on the want he had for his daughter, and while she was hot, being tortured in Hell was not something he’d care to experience again.

 Sam couldn’t understand what happened to make Dean rush out like his hair was on fire, but as he took a seat at the same booth they’d sat in the first night in the bar, he found himself mesmerized by the sight of Lilana working the crowd again.

She was having a blast, or at least she looked like she was. Standing on the bar, she held the trigger of the soda gun and blasted the overheated coeds and frat boys with the water spray. Cheers and laughter followed as she hopped carefully down and helped her bartenders with orders. Tossing the bottles of liquor like an expert, she managed two drinks to each one they made.

After the crowd was caught up she started to walk away from the bar area, but was stopped by a tall blonde woman who pointed in his direction. Sam felt her green eyes laser focus on him and he wondered if he’d been made. She sashayed through the crowd to his table and he found himself unable to look away.

“Hi!” She said, sliding in across from him. “Ali, the manager of my fine establishment tells me you’re becoming a regular, so I thought I’d introduce myself.” Holding her hand out across the table, careful of his drink, she offered her name. “Li-Li Monahan, owner.”

Her smile made a knot form in his stomach. Taking her hand he felt a current run through him. Her head tilted to study him and he realized she felt it too. And, from the look on her face, she didn’t understand it any better than he did. “Sam Winchester.” He offered, not even noticing he used his real name.

“Winchester?” She asked, her head straightening. Her hand pulled from his and she strangely touched her neck. “Related to a ‘Dean’?” Li-Li’s eyebrow raised in curiosity.

Sam nodded, licking his lips nervously. “He’s my brother actually.” He looked away, taking a drink out of his glass. “He told me about this place.”

She squinted at him and wondered if Ali was right. If she was, then he’d been one of the “older guys” that had come in a couple nights ago. The ones that wanted to “worship at her altar”. Older, she scoffed to herself. He was maybe a year older than her and Ali, maybe. She had to fight an eye-roll. Seriously had to tell her best friend to start asking for IDs for all her hookups. “He told you about it? That’s strange, my manager told me she noticed the two of you in here for the first time together, just three nights ago.”

Sam wanted to smack his head on the table in front of him. Shit, they’d been noticed. “He told me he read about you guys on TripAdvisor.” He offered lamely. “So we came in together, and both liked it so much.” Chuck, throw me a damn bone here.

Li-Li chuckled. “Sure, ok.” She leaned a little forward, her breasts squeezing together and sitting almost on top of the table. “Just don’t be a weird stalker, please?” She grinned and slid back out of the booth. “Have a nice night, Sam Winchester.”

He watched as her hips swayed as she walked away. Closing his eyes, he tried to get the image of her breasts looking like a feast on the table top in front of him. If Crowley had any idea he was even entertaining those kinds of ideas, well, he’d be a puddle of blood and viscera on the floor.

 John was in the parking lot, waiting for her to end the day. He watched as she locked up and glanced at his watch. It was nearly four in the morning. She kept late hours, and she kept early hours. Dean had told him she was the one to open the bar every day so far. How she was maintaining that kind of schedule and still look like-

He closed his eyes, opening them when he heard her car start. Stop thinking about how she looked, you idiot, he told himself. Willing down the rush of lust he felt when he so much as glanced at the younger woman. Pulling out a safe distance behind her and keeping her in sight for the drive to her house, he settled in to the spot he’d picked as his on that first night. He picked up his journal once he watched her carefully get inside.

For the hundredth time, he wished he could confer with ANYONE in the hunter community about what Lilana could possibly BE. He knew he couldn’t. From what he had found out from careful sleuthing and snooping, she was innocent. Her businesses were on the up and up. She gave heavily to charity, she paid her employees well. She was a good- well he didn’t know what she was, but she was good.

He was letting his boys do the interior watch. He felt like he’d stick out like a sore thumb in her bar, especially this week. Old, grizzled men do not go into bars down here during Spring Break unless they’re perverts. At least that was the excuse he was using with Dean and Sam. Inside, John was worried that he’d show too much interest and scare the shit out of her.

Scare the shit out of her and get the King of Hell pissed off. He’d had enough bad luck with demons, having Crowley want his blood would be one thing too many. And so, while Dean and Sam got some rest, he’d sit outside watching from a careful distance. It didn’t always stop the thoughts from intruding. Like how her mouth would taste, what her voice sounded like, how her skin would feel. He fought them like Hell, but they’d rush in when he least expected them. And he’d feel the tightness, a tightness he hadn’t really truly felt since Mary.

When the pressure built, he’d get out of the truck and walk down the street, past her house. Then back to the truck. He could see the house Crowley put them in from his spot, but since they were protecting her he couldn’t make himself watch from there. He knew his boys watched during the night, but he felt that he HAD to be here. Nearer, even if it was nowhere near enough.

 HELL: THAT SAME DAY/NIGHT

Crowley felt concerned. He wasn’t finding time to keep up with the Winchesters while they were watching Lilana and he was twitching with the need for an update. Surely they’d call him if there was danger? Wouldn’t they?

He was having problems concentrating on the meeting he was currently sitting through. What were these idiots babbling on about? He tried to focus, but all he could see was his daughter. Happy, vibrant, and so unlike her mother. At least unlike her mother at the end. He flinched at the thought of those final moments. Since Li-Li, as he knew she preferred to be called, had lost the humans he’d chosen to raise her, every time he tried to rest he felt forced to relive it.

If his eyes closed for more than a few seconds, he was back in the house he’d thought had enough protection to keep Abigail from the attention of the angels. He watched as she gave birth to the fruits of their love, a tiny precious bundle of a baby girl who wailed as soon as the air touched her. It had been as though she knew how dangerous the world would be for her. He heard Abigail’s voice, urging him that he didn’t know just how truly dangerous it would be for their little one. Telling him that she would be like a magnet for any and all supernatural beasts. Making him promise to keep her safe, to hide her among humans, to find the Winchesters when she was found. Binding him to the promise, and then her voice had changed. Gone was the quiet, breathy voice he knew her for and in its place came her divine one. She told him that in their protection their daughter would truly bloom, and in repayment her love and Grace would save them in return. Save them from the horrors that hollowed them and ruled them. Then, coming back to herself, Crowley watched as terror flowed over her face and without another word she burned away. Completely gone, with Lilana wiggling in his arms, quiet as soon as her mother had begun to speak, he was broken by the loss of Abigail.

He would blink himself back to wherever he was once the memory was over. Allowing it to loop would be even more torture, more pain. He’d been able to control his temper with whomever was in his presence at the time. Unless, of course, they’d noticed he had fade out and away from them. That kind of knowledge would be dangerous to his daughter. That kind of knowledge could be shared. If they noticed, and he was always able to tell, then the consequences were harsh. He’d raze Hell to keep Lilana safe. He’d raze the world.

[dungeoneering102]

Improving Cults

So recently I had a post about how cults should be designed (IMO). I mentioned the four cults present in the D&D module Princes of the Apocalypse and said how those were really bad examples. Due to some interest, I decided to make this post that elaborates on how I have altered those four cults to make them more realistic and interesting.

Why I Dislike the Original PoA Cults

In the original book, the Players are supposed to face off against 4 cults: the Black Earth, Howling Hatred, Crushing Wave, and Eternal Flame. Each of them have a leader (referred to as “prophet”) and work semi-together to summon super powerful creatures called “Princes.” The book also mentions that they all serve the “Elemental Eye.” Here are my problems with this set up:

We don’t ever get told what the Elemental Eye is. It seems to be just a pedestal or an unnamed entity. But it’s never explained.

The cults work together. This makes them all just fade into each other. There’s no drama because now the players are just fighting a large group that happens to have 4 leaders.

The cults all have the same goal but very little distinguishing elements in terms of their philosophy or approach to said goal.

So let’s try to fix this...

Elemental Eye

I hate that this aspect is never explained. It was just so very vague and yet its what commands the four cults. Supposedly, the Eye has given the cults their power and influence. In turn, it will somehow eventually inform the cult leaders on what ritual to conduct to summon their respective Princes. The Eye does this only WHEN the Party kills the first two Prophets. So I changed it all around.

The Eye is a physical thing. It is a stone of great power, supposedly locked within the altar in Fane of the Eye dungeon. In my story, the Eye calls forth the four Prophets, but informs them that it will only choose the STRONGEST among them. This is important and I’ll discuss why below. But now it is a physical thing and once ONE of the Prophets proves themselves powerful enough, the Eye is gifted to this person. All others die upon touching the Eye.

Lastly, to get to the eye, each Prophet has to prove that THEIR cult is the strongest and has the most influence. They do this by getting the most recruits and building beacons across the valley. The beacons are something that you can see in the module’s artbook section, although they’ve been cut from the final game. I re-inserted them as buildings that would be a sign of the cults’ growing in power. Your PCs can stumble onto these as they explore the valley. The cult that proves to be most influential, gets to summon their Prince.

The Cults DO NOT Work Together

Around the Renaissance Era, the Christian church had several divisions. New branches and sects appeared all over Europe, and started fighting over who is the TRUE CHRISTIAN church. They all believed in the same God and Jesus. What was different is how they worshiped these figures. The result was a complex political game fought between these powerful and rich churches over the souls of their followers and the influence over Europe. These conflicts ended with people fleeing Europe, the Catholic Church setting people on fire, and a very powerful shift in the politics of the time.

I think, that’s a pretty interesting story. So why are the cults of PoA just working together, with some minor issues between them? I say cut them the fuck apart. They are four individual cults. They believe in the same deity (the Eye) but go about worshiping it in different ways. They each have their own beliefs and philosophies that conflict with one another, and pit them against each other. Why do we do this? Because 4 DIFFERENT baddies is better than 1 four headed baddie. This conflict between the cults, allows the Players to play a large and complex game of politics, where they play off each of the cults against one another to get them to destroy each other. PCs might ally with one cult, only to get into a big mess and have ANOTHER cult offer them help in return for betraying their former allies. In the end, you get a Game of Thrones level game of politics and alliances.

Unique Cults

Now all of the four cults want the same thing: summon forth their elemental daddy. The problem with this, they might just meld into each other and become very similar. So we have to differentiate them in three ways:

How they present themselves (identity).

What do they believe in (philosophy).

How they act during combat (gameplay).

If you distinguish EACH of these, you get distinctly diverse cults. Below is going to be MY breakdown of how I distinguish each of the Elemental Cults.

Howling Hatred Storm.

Change that fuckin’ name. No one will wanna be a part of a group called “Howling Hatred.” Bad guy groups usually pick actually socially OKAY names, otherwise they won’t get any supporters. Let’s call them “Howling Storm” or “Howling Wind.” ANYTHING else but HATRED!

Identity/Philosophy. The wind is fickle and full of lies. The leader of the cult, one Aerisi Kalinoth, pretends to be a winged elf by creating fake wings using illusions. Their main outpost is filled with cultists who PRETEND to be knights. The whole thing reeks of deception and illusion. So I made that their selling point. Make your dreams a reality is the tag line for this cult. They convince people to join, so that when THEIR Prince is summoned he can blanket the world in an illusive state, where everyone’s best dream will come true. Of course, they will all live in a constant dream state, but it doesn’t matter. People who are depressed enough would be willing to fall into eternal sleep if it is guaranteed to make them and their friends forever happy. This is what Aerisi offers. She appeals to the desperate, the depressed, the lonely. She offers them to live out their dreams in an eternal sleep. Kind of like a suicide cult.

Gameplay. This is very simple. The cultists stay airborne as MUCH as possible. Forcing PCs to fight vertically, instead of horizontally, find cover, find ways to fly up as well, climb high structures, etc.

Black Earth

Personally, the Prophet of this cult is my favorite. So to be fair, I don’t much to change about this cult.

Identity/Philosophy. For this cult I ran with the theme of burial. Marlos Urnrayle, the prophet of Black Earth, sells the burying of your past. Made bad choices in life? Did thing you regret? Forget about it. Bury that past, and on the dirt build your life anew. Atop the ruins of old, rise your new home. This would totally get the attention of past criminals and bandits, whose lives have been ruined by their own crimes. Now they can start anew, in an organization that accepts EVERYONE.

Gameplay. Another easy one. You should describe your cultists as being extra tough and hard to break. Maybe give some of them some earth powers, ripped out of Avatar: the Last Airbender. I let my cultists just call forth pillars and stone walls, while others would swim through earth as if it were water.

Eternal Flame

Identity/Philosophy. Compared to the other cults, this one seemed more combative and militaristic. So I ran with that. Vanifer, the cult’s leader, runs a militia. Again, remember that the valley is without any leadership. She offers leadership. Her message is that she is building the army this valley desperately needs and she intends to bring peace and order to this valley, by force if need be. Her selling point is that she promotes discipline and order. People who lack any purpose, live messy lives, or need some kind of a leader-figure to tell them what to do, would fall into this easily. Think of veterans or troops, who after wartime cannot fall back into normal life as they need someone to order them around.

Gameplay. These guys are on FIYAAAA. Make their armor too hot to touch, make being around them uncomfortable. Allow them to be strategically more intelligent, using maneuvers to flank, surprise, and stun their opponents. This is a military organization, after all.

Crushing Wave

Identity/Philosophy. This cult consists of smugglers and pirates. What do pirates stand for? That’s right, an anti-establishment way of life. So the cult preaches FREEDOM. But absolute freedom. In fact, anarchy. Gar seeks a world that he can drown, where only those deemed strong enough can survive and are thus freed from the shackles of social restrictions. This idea of absolute freedom without authority, of being able to live off your own merit and not having to answer to anyone, is something many would like. People who have been duped by corrupt officials, people who dislike the restrictions of society, or dislike social norms. The Wave offers them all a chance to be free of this.

Gameplay. I got Lovecraft vibes from the cult. his cult is led by Gar Shatterkeel, who almost drowned but heard a voice in the oceans that led him to safety. Borderline Cthulhu-esque. SO, I made them all weird and creepy. They talk strange, they walk strange, they tend to stare. Ultimately, while they all fight for absolute freedom, the irony is that they are being manipulated by a primordial entity that is slowly brainwashing them.

Last Point - Diversity

In the book, all cultists (except the prophets) are human. That’s all fine and dandy but I don’t see why it needs to be so. I recommend you make the cults more diverse in their composition. Elves, dwarves, orcs, dragonborn, whatever you got. Not because YAY DIVERSITY or anything. Just because, I think it makes most sense that cults that fight for influence and power, wouldn’t discriminate based on race or gender. This, in fact, could be a selling point for them. Especially if you have racial tensions in your Fantasy setting.

I hope you all find this breakdown of how I modified the cults helpful. Please remember, that these are not “THE BEST WAY TO PLAY.” These are only the best way I found to play. You might find something that fits your campaigns and players better. Special shoutout to @ravenbane13​ (and everyone else who reblogged my last post) for encouraging this piece. I did go a bit longer than I wish, but hey, I hope you find some use in that wall of text.

The Unfair DM

[ghostheadcanons]

Papas + Copia: Weddings!

Anonymous said: I really love your writing omg! It has heavily influenced me to starting writing headcanons again and I cannot thank you enough!!! ANYWAYS! I'm quite curious on this subject so what would the Papa's and Cardinal's wedding with their s/o be like?

Words can’t describe how thrilled I am to hear that!! A lot of my love for Ghost and my knowledge of the lore came from headcanon blogs, to the point where I started getting headcanons of my own!

Remember when I said the weddings were coming after the proposals, guys? Here they are! LET’S GO!

Papa Nihil:

It would be a mostly-private ceremony, planned by Sister Imperator. Family and friends only! 

The decorations and food are both lavish and decadent--reds and golds everywhere. 

Cardinal Copia would be the one to officiate the marriage, and Sister Imperator is Nihil’s ‘best man’. Imperator swept you away almost immediately and instructed you on the proper way to behave at this ceremony ages before it actually took place--you’ve hardly seen your husband-to-be. 

It’s weird being told how to act for your own wedding, but it’s worth it when you see Nihil and how stunned he looks on seeing you again.

He’s dressed to the nines in papal robes made specially for the occasion, and you’re in a brand new golden wedding outfit, with red accents. 

“Sei bello, cara mia,” he whispers, squeezing your hand encouragingly. 

Papa I ends up falling asleep partway through, Papa II pays attention (though he looks bored), and Papa III has his phone out. 

Papa III ends up calling Copia’s number, grinning at the look on Copia’s face when his phone starts vibrating and ringing in his pocket right in the middle of Nihil’s vows. The death glare Papa Nihil gives the poor Cardinal is enough to kill someone. 

You two exchange rings, and you kiss. He takes your hand and eagerly leads you off. No time for the reception! You have a boat to Italy to catch, with a bridal suite waiting! 

Nihil wants to start this honeymoon off right. ;)

Papa I:

Your wedding is more of a ritual, technically speaking. 

You are cleansed and properly prepared (separately of course), as is tradition. 

You two are then brought together in front of the entire congregation. Dark, mystical, mysterious...there is plenty of chanting, singing, and the bowing of heads in worship. 

Your souls are bound together, so that not even God can break your union. 

Papa I would take you right there on the altar as the other members engage in a delicious orgy...if you were open to it. If not, the two of you can consummate later. It’s entirely up to you. 

Now you truly are one. 

Papa II:

His wedding would be the darkest, gothiest wedding of them all. It will take place in the church, with the rain pouring down and lightning flashing outside, with everyone in the congregation + important members of the other, international branches of the church. 

Papa II takes care of most of the planning. You don’t envy him one bit; planning a normal wedding is bad enough, but a wedding for a satanist church where there are a lot of very delicate politics going on between people? That’s a minefield you don’t need. 

But he allows you to pick your outfit. 

Whether it’s an elegant black suit with a billowing cape, or a massive black ballgown with a bouquet of skulls, you will look stunning. 

He, of course, is in new papal robes with skull facepaint. When he sees you walk through the massive doors to the aisle, he beckons you to come closer. 

Papa Nihil would be the one to give you away, should you allow it. He’s absolutely thrilled to see his son get married! 

The kiss that seals the marriage is intoxicating. Unfortunately, the pair of you can’t consummate right away--there are customs he has to follow, people to greet, so on and so forth. 

But you can look forward to one kickass reception party with him at your side.

Papa III:

He wants a classic horror-movie themed wedding. He’s adamant on it. He wants to be Dracula. Let him be Dracula!

Sister Imperator shoots him down almost immediately. Nobody ever thought III of all people would actually get married, so a lot of people are going to be coming--and it won’t do to look weak or ‘silly’ during such an occasion. There are sure to be people there who will be looking for an opportunity to usurp him.

He’ll be sulking for weeks. That was something really important to him (and you thought it would be fun, too!). But after awhile, he accepts it.

He fights Sister Imperator tooth and nail for creative control over this wedding. He even lets you have input on what you want! 

You two end up getting married on Halloween--so he has an excuse to goth it up, at least. And so do you. Black and purple!

Little do you know that there’s a nasty surprise waiting for you....

Throughout the ceremony, the ghouls are restless. Something is wrong, but nobody knows what. But at the moment when the priest says “Should anyone object to this union, speak now or forever hold your piece...” the doors come crashing open. 

Looks like your parents decided to show up after all! Along with the rest of their church! And they brought weapons! Some Papa III’s hateful ex’s decided to help sabotage the wedding.

It’s a brawl like nobody’s ever seen before. The ghouls are ripping people apart, the audience is screaming, it’s pandemonium! 

Papa III is quick to get you away from the carnage and upstairs to safety. You can tell by his slumped shoulders and defeated expression that he’s disappointed. “...I’m sorry, tesoro. This was not the wedding I wanted.”

Luckily, you prepared for this. 

You tell him to meet you in his room in about ten minutes. He’s confused, but would show up, open the doors....

...and gape.

There you stand in the special Bride of Dracula costume you got, makeup applied, smiling demurely at him. “Ah, Count. You have returned at last.” You hold your arms out to him, adoration in your eyes. “I ache to be one with you. May we commence the ceremony?”

His face lights up. With a predatory grin, he lets the doors slam locked behind him and stalk closer. “Si, mia sposa. Your Count has something special in mind for you....”

You’ve made him the happiest man in the world. 

Cardinal Copia:

Nothing as grand in scale as the Papa’s, and honestly? He prefers it that way. He wants a small, private ceremony, no huge party, nothing like that. 

At the very least, the two of you can plan it together without Sister Imperator watching the two of you like a hawk. 

All of his rats are watching. All of them. He has provided plenty of snacks and refreshments for them. They all have nice little outfits on. That was something the two of you did together. 

Since neither of you has family able to attend, or an obligation to invite people, it can just be you, him, the priest, and the rats, if you want. 

When he reads you his vows, his voice is clear and ringing, and he doesn’t stutter once--though he did bring them up so he could read them. 

Your marriage kiss is sweet, and the rats all squeak their approval as the two of you walk out the doors.

The both of you are ready to consummate the hell out of this union. 

[copperbadge]

A Series Of Revelations

Welcome to the story of R’s wedding and how I unofficially officiated at it. 

So, I’m going to give you guys this story the same way it came to me, confusingly and as the result of announcements and indiscretions. Buckle in for some Southern Gothic Wedding business up in this joint.

The major players are myself, my spiritual brother R who is a Midwest-born and raised Bluesman, his Southern wife Q, Q’s grandmother The Matriarch, and The Young Preacher (also technically the Old Preacher but he doesn’t have a speaking role, RIP). 

On Thursday, Mum and I arrived in the small Southern town where Q’s family hails from. I wanted Mum to have a day to recover from travel before the wedding on Saturday, but we did tour around a little on Friday.

On Friday night at the “rehearsal dinner” -- it should be noted there was no actual rehearsal, which knowing what I know now is probably just as well -- R’s mother, who I have long believed did not like me for reasons best discussed elsewhere, said to me, “I’m so pleased you’ll be reading for the ceremony.”

Me: oh, AM I NOW? Her: ...you should talk to R.

But there was so much amazing food, and there were a lot of people to meet, so that had to wait. It should be noted at this juncture that nobody seemed to treat me as anything other than what I believed myself to be: a wedding guest for the groom that they had only just met. I just sort of mingled, looked after mum, and waited until after we ate to ask R about it.

Him: I’m finishing up the speech you’ll be reading tonight. I’ll send it to you and have a printed copy for you tomorrow. Me: sounds good, buddy!  My inner voice who has known R for 10 years: almost all of that is probably untrue.

R is not a malicious liar, and he probably believed all of that, he just sometimes isn’t really good at grasping what can be achieved in a specific timeline. 

Now, to his credit, he did send me what he had written for me to read. It was beautiful and smart and touching and he sent it to me VIA FACEBOOK MESSENGER on THE DAY OF HIS WEDDING.

Mum: he said he’d print out a copy for you, right? Me: that is the lie. Let’s just copy this off of Facebook and put it in a document on my tablet, shall we?

So I put it on my tablet and we took off for the wedding.

At this point I was still under the impression that this wedding would hold, for me, a minor part at most. Yes, the reading was nearly three pages long, but I assumed the pastor would give a sermon of 15-20 minutes, a couple of people would do readings, we would sing a hymn, maybe, and there would be vows. Then we would all go to the reception. I don’t go to many weddings.

When we arrived at the Baptist church where Q’s family have been worshiping for like a hundred and fifty years, one of the adorable little cousins of the bride handed me a program with my name in it. 

PROCESSIONAL MUSIC BLESSING OF THE UNION .... [The Young Preacher] READING OF THE MESSAGE .... Sam Starbuck GIVING OF THE VOWS .... [The Young Preacher] RECESSION AND GREETING OF THE COUPLE

That’s it. That’s the wedding. 

I went to find R in the dressing room.

Me: Hey, how are you doing? R: Hey! Oh my God.  Me: So about this reading. R: Can you read it off your phone? Me, holding up my tablet: Way out ahead of you. Mum says this speech should have quoted Corinthians, because it’s a classic.  R: Yeah, I thought about it, but I like to go with the B-sides, you know me. Me: That is very you. Incidentally am I the only one speaking? Me and the preacher? R: This is happening, are you ready? Me: I am ready, but only because I love you.

This is when I posted about doing not A Reading but The Reading. Oh, how young and innocent I was then. 

So the wedding starts happening, as they do, and continues to happen for a while until I realize that the Young Preacher is not in fact going to give any kind of sermon or anything more than the most perfunctory of blessings. And now it’s all me.

And there I am at the pulpit of a Baptist church in the South, reading a three-page speech I received via Facebook Messenger earlier that morning, slowly coming to understand that I am in fact delivering the message of this whole wedding. In my Winter Soldier high tops I only wore because they matched my shirt. (Really I only call them that, because they are green with a red star on the ankle. At least they didn’t actually have the Winter Soldier on them or something.)

(”The man at the altar....I knew him...”)   

At the end of this wonderful, smart, touching speech, I got to officially introduce my friend R, his wife Q, and their new last name they chose together in order to start their new life on equal footing, presenting them to their friends and loved ones. (They waved.)

Then they had the briefest exchanging of vows ever, supervised by the Young Preacher, and then we all, uh, receded.

I had to shepherd mum out, which took a while, but once I’d got her settled on a bench in the lobby, I went over to congratulate the bride and groom. And as soon as I was near R and Q, people started shaking my hand. Like, hey, great job! What a beautiful wedding! 

And I was saying, you know, oh thank you, R wrote it, that wasn’t me, and they were saying but you read it so beautifully, and you were so obviously proud of them, and it was so sweet of them to ask you. 

And then The Matriarch, Q’s grandmother, shook my hand and said, “You’re a good boy. You read that awfully nicely.” 

Which, that’s very kind, but again, I did not write this lovely speech, I just read it out with feeling. 

But that was when everything changed. 

After that I basically became the third member of the wedding party, which was insanely weird. At the reception obviously the MVP of the party was the bride, then the groom, but then people would come up to me to have a chat. Meanwhile I am stood there in my high-tops, drinking a sweet tea, very confused as to why things are happening, like how after Q and R got their food from the wedding buffet, Q’s cousins insisted I jump in front of them in line.

I did not say no. I am just as weak for friend fried chicken and waffles as you all believe me to be.  

Finally, I had a chance to speak with Q briefly, and I said how glad I was to have been a part of the wedding, even if I hadn’t known I would be.

Q: I can’t believe R didn’t tell you. I’m just so glad Grandma liked it and said so.  Me: I mean, me too I guess? Q: Well you know she’s very particular. She doesn’t like the Young Preacher. Me: Really? He seemed nice. Q: The Old Preacher died a few months back and she’s not adjusting well. Me: What a shame.  Q: You’re telling me. She said she’d rather see me married by the devil than the Young Preacher. But we couldn’t offend him, and someone ordained had to do it. So you were a compromise. Extremely Alarmed Sam’s Inner Voice: Between a preacher and Satan himself? Q: But she loved you, so it all worked out! R said you’d come through in the clutch and you totally did.  Me: Well. I’m honored, of course. Oh hey look R’s back, I’m going back for more waffles. 

So it turns out that it was simply understood by everyone except myself that we would consider me to have officiated the wedding with some minor help from the Young Preacher. Propriety would be maintained in that R and Q would be married by the church’s own minister but The Matriarch’s discontent with the Young Preacher would still be made plain. 

This was acceptable to The Matriarch, but apparently once she had actually given her approval of how I handled the ceremony, I was elevated to honor as a sort of proxy preacher myself. Hence the privilege of getting to skip in line for chicken and waffles and being hugged for an awkwardly long time by R’s godfather. Though that could just be R’s godfather, he’s a character. 

So yeah. That was my Saturday. I don’t know why I expected anything else from R’s wedding, it’s not like I don’t know what life with him is like. At least he seems to have met his perfect counterpart in Q. 

[ayearofpike]

The Immortal

Pocket Books, 1993 213 pages, 16 chapters + epilogue ISBN 0-671-74510-7 LOC: CPB Box no. 705 vol. 16 OCLC: 27434465 Released July 1, 1993 (per B&N)

Did you ever take a vacation because your best friend insisted that you had to? Josie Goodwin is. At the suggestion (or maybe insistence) of her oldest compatriot Helen Demeter, her family is spending two weeks on Mykonos in the Greek isles. Helen’s there too, and she has a lot to show Josie from her trip the previous summer, not the least of which is a sacred island with a plateau that has a mythical connection to Apollo. What Josie doesn’t know is her own connection to Apollo. But Helen does, and it’s a connection that calls for no less than cold vengeance.

I have distinct memories of reading this book on a summer vacation road trip with my dad. But aside from the fate of the main character, I found that I didn’t actually remember that much about this story. Revisited in 2018, this is some Percy Jackson shit. Like, not to the point where Rick Riordan owes Pike some money, but it definitely doubles down on the sex among gods, mortals, and monsters. It’s fitting that I read this one while reading The Sea of Monsters to my kids, because I was already in the Greek gods mode for it. Although enough people have written about Greek myth in modern times that I can’t say anyone is directly ripping anyone else, necessarily. Maybe they just have the same muse.

So, all right, where do I jump in? The beginning is as good a place as any, I suppose. We’re on a plane with Josie and Helen (who, by the way, maybe couldn’t have a more Americanized Greek name) as it descends into Athens. They’re traveling with Josie’s dad, a once-hot screenwriter who is currently struggling, and his current flame, a failed alcoholic actress. Josie wakes up knowing they’re close, with a sense of almost being home. Which is weird, right, because she’s never been to Greece before. Foreshadowey! WOOOOOO

They have to cab to a smaller airport and hop another plane to the island of Mykonos, which is their final destination. Helen can’t warn the Goodwins about the rudeness of Greek people enough, but Josie finds them very pleasant. She wonders if maybe it’s this difference in attitude that makes boys who are initially attracted to Helen eventually want to be with her. Yep, Pike did it again with the accidentally-steal-yo-man girl, only at least Josie is honest with herself and admits that going out with her best friend’s ex makes her an asshole. Not that she’s going to stop. There’s one boy in particular she’s thinking of here, who went with Helen and then with her and then moved away and dropped off the face of the planet. Remember when you could do that, all the way back in the 1990s?

So they get to the hotel, drop their crap, and decide to go snorkeling at Paradise beach. They have to rent motor scooters to get there, but it turns out Helen has an ulterior motive for wanting to go so far away: a guy. Specifically, a British bartender named Tom, whom she met during her trip the previous summer. Of course Josie is instantly smitten, but she’s not immediately planning to steal Tom. They plan to go out later, the three of them and one of Tom’s friends, and then the girls get their snorkeling equipment and get in the water.

It’s when Josie pushes herself too hard that we learn a little more backstory. Seems she had a mysterious heart inflammation the previous summer while Helen was in Greece and almost died from it. The experience has made her appreciate life more, and so she really wants to tackle everything that comes her way. But her endurance is still not where it should be, and she’s been swimming for an hour. As she struggles to get back to shore, Tom plunges into the water (in his full bar uniform, no less) and pulls her in. Interesting that he was watching her swim while he was supposed to be at work, yes?

So they go back to the hotel and Josie grabs a nap, and then she decides to interact with her parentals. She argues with the girlfriend, who is drunk in the bar watching TV, and then finds her dad pecking on his laptop on his room’s balcony. Seems he’s been fighting with a science-fiction screenplay for about a year. Mr. Goodwin has never before had this hard a time unfolding a story; before, they always just came to him, but now he can’t figure out where to take it. He knows that there are humans in an interstellar war with aliens, and that the humans have captured one and are going to make her escort a single pilot on a suicide mission to blow up the alien homeworld, but he doesn’t really know why or what comes next. (I think the screenplay is supposed to have some parallel with the narrative, but it’s a pretty big stretch.) He’s interested in Josie’s ideas, and she tells him she’ll need to think on it.

Right now it’s time for her to meet Helen and the boys for dinner. She finds Helen at a restaurant in town, and they talk about their mutual attraction to Tom, and Helen says she won’t be upset if Tom prefers Josie only she is obviously lying. Tom shows up a little later with his roommate Pascal, a big French dude who works with handicapped kids most of the year but is spending his summer delivering vegetables to restaurants. In fact, he’s got a truck coming in on the late ferry, and he wants to take it for a ride with one of the girls — only (obviously) neither one wants to leave Tom to the other. So he takes off in the truck, and the other three go to a bar, where Helen drinks too much and pukes on Tom’s shoes, so that’s over. Josie takes her home, they fall asleep, and Josie dreams of being a goddess suffused in radiant blue light. When she wakes up she’s totally fine and feeling great, even though she drank at least two bottles of wine and should be a little hungover. Did the light save her from the booze?

Of course, being totally sick doesn’t keep Helen from having an agenda. She wakes everyone up the next day (even Josie’s parentals) and makes them take a boat to the island of Delos. It’s a sacred holy site, which Josie learns about by reading along the way: supposedly it’s the birthplace of Apollo and Artemis, fathered by Zeus and borne by the titan Leto (which I had to look up because I was confusing her with Leda) on an island that was not fixed in place, as Hera had banned Leto from giving birth on terra firma. The mythology of the place made it an important site of worship, even though nobody could live there, and today it is essentially a museum full of excavated ruins. Josie’s dad’s girlfriend thinks it’s junky, of course.

But what Helen most wants Josie to see is the top of Mount Kynthos, where Apollo was supposely born. And it’s true, the sun does feel stronger and more intense up there, and Josie senses a connection to something greater than herself. Helen knows it, and she sprinkles in a little more backstory by saying that when she got out of the hospital she knew that this was a place she had to come, for some reason. We learn that Helen tried to kill herself, not long before Josie had her heart ailment, but we don’t really learn how or why. Josie wonders if the boyfriend they shared was an impetus, but she sure as hell doesn’t ask any more questions about it. Still, they both share that getting so close to death has provided them with a new understanding of what they should do with life. Still, we start to wonder about their friendship. How close are they actually? Do they even still like each other?

Josie doesn’t help matters by immediately going to see Tom at the beach when they get back from Delos. They try to figure out how to get together without upsetting Helen, and don’t come up with much other than everybody hanging out again. After a swim and a stint of topless sunbathing, she goes back to the hotel, where she tells her dad that the suicide pilot in his script has something to live for and then puts off Helen’s attempt to go get dinner, as she needs to wait for her sneaky plan to happen. She dreams of a secret altar to Apollo, where she prays for insight and information to pass along to humans, and then she and Helen go to the same restaurant as the night before, where Tom and Pascal just happen to show up. Only Pascal’s fumbling English gives away that it was all planned, and Helen storms off, but not before revealing to Josie that the reason their mutual boyfriend hasn’t been in touch is because he died at the end of last summer. Helen has known this all along, but she has obviously kept it from Josie out of spite ... or something. I think here their friendship is officially ruined.

Josie and Tom try to salvage the evening by going out on the bay in a rowboat. While they’re out there, though, the temperamental summer winds kick up all of a sudden, and they lose their oar and can’t get it back. Tom jumps in the water to get it, but before he can get back the boat blows out to sea with Josie in it. All Josie can do is bail as it takes on water and pray that the wind stops before she sinks. And, like, literally as soon as she prays, the weather lets up and the water gets calm. She passes out in the boat and wakes up on a rocky beach, which she’s pretty sure is Delos. So she goes to try to find the archaeologists on the island, but before she can she discovers that the ruin is somehow a living city, and they welcome and worship her.

And suddenly we’re flung into a new myth, one of Pike’s own making. We learn about the muse Sryope and her best friend Phthia, granddaughter of Zeus. They are both in love with Aeneas, half-blood son of Aphrodite, and Phthia seduces him and gets him to swear an oath of fidelity before she goes back to fucking around. This pisses Sryope off, and she figures out how to get Phthia to forgive the vow: a story contest. If Sryope wins, Phthia will release Aeneas; if Phthia wins, Sryope will never tell anyone that her father is Alecto, one of the Furies that guards the underworld. Yeah, I know, and so does Pike — Furies in myth are traditionally portrayed as female, but there’s some shape-shifter tales throughout fiction.  Of course Sryope basically goes back on her word immediately, telling a story of a Fury who impregnates a goddess by impersonating a handsome warrior and begats (?) a daughter, just changing the names like that hides anything. Of course Phthia gets pissed and yells at Sryope, then takes off without telling her story, never to be seen again until Alecto finds her dead and floating in the river Styx. Upon which he (she?) arrests (?) Sryope on suspicion of murder.

This is where Josie wakes up with the sunrise in the ruins of Delos. There’s a tiny marble statue of a goddess next to her, which she recognizes as Sryope, so she pockets it, but then she realizes she’s going to get in trouble if she’s found there. She gets out, hides among the tourists, and takes the first boat back to Mykonos, where her father and his girlfriend are anxiously talking to the police on the dock. Seems Tom made it back to shore and warned everyone that Josie was missing, and now that she’s back they call off the search and get everyone ready for a celebratory barbecue at the hotel. But first she tells Tom what happened, and shows him the statue, which has since the morning become flecked with clear crystal somehow. He’s not sure he believes her, but he does promise to stay with her and protect her from any more weirdness.

The girlfriend runs the barbecue, maybe out of guilt of not being more ... motherly? I don’t know. Is that really the responsibility of a thirty-something woman whose boyfriend has an eighteen-year-old daughter? I know, cultural expectations and all that bullshit. But Helen helps make the burgers, and Josie asks for two but can’t finish the first so Tom eats the other one. While she’s eating, Josie talks to her dad some more about his script, and suggests that the pilot plants the bomb on the planet but that the alien is struggling to tell him something that she’s been programmed against. Then Josie goes to bed and  dreams about Sryope’s trial, where she is twisted into lying about knowing Phthia’s parentage and discusses how she shares stories and ideas with mortals, in particular a certain screenwriter and his daughter.

Josie wakes up feeling like crap. The statue is still there, but now it’s totally clear, with a red swirl in the center. She tries to call Tom, but Pascal says he’s too sick to answer the phone. She’s starting to worry about all of it, so she finds her way over to his house and realizes he needs to see a doctor. At the health center, Josie collapses in the waiting room and sees more of the trial, where Minos (the underworld judge) shows Sryope forcing the daughter’s best friend to drink poison, and then sees herself forcing the spirit of Phthia into the best friend’s dying body. Sryope realizes that it’s Alecto impersonating her, but there’s no way to provide a realistic motive without going back on her lies about Phthia and Alecto. So she accepts her punishment, which is to give up her immortality and take the place of the dying spirit in the screenwriter’s daughter.

Josie wakes up with her family around her. She asks to talk to Helen alone, because by now they both know the story. Helen tells Josie that she put ground glass in her hamburgers, and there’s no way to get it out of her system. I don’t know if that’s how it works ... isn’t finely ground glass essentially sand? Snopes says this isn’t inherently fatal, but we didn’t have the Internet in 1993 and so it scared the piss out of me at the time. Helen isn’t really upset about Tom being collateral damage, either, because he treated her wrong. She’s taken a similar revenge on their dead mutual ex, in fact. She tells Josie that this was her plot, abetted by Alecto, and all she has to do to live forever is to sacrifice somebody to the Furies — in this case, Pascal — on the summit of Mount Kynthos.

So with no hope for themselves, there’s no reason to go to the mainland hospital, but there’s still time to save Pascal. Before she goes, Josie leaves a note for her dad that tells him the planet is actually Earth, and the aliens are what humans would have become if they stayed. Then she rouses Tom out of bed and tells him about Helen’s plan, and they sneak out of the health center. They grab Pascal’s gun from the apartment, then steal a boat and rip over to Delos.

He’s already bewitched and is ready to obey Helen. There’s no other option. Josie tries to shoot her but the gun doesn’t go off. Tom (the stupid idiot who thinks he knows better than killing) knocks the gun out of Josie’s hand, and Pascal grabs it. Helen tells him to put it in his mouth and pull the trigger, which he does — but it still doesn’t go off. Josie realizes the safety must be on, but Pascal doesn’t. The gun in his mouth is enough to break his hypnosis, and he faints. Helen doesn’t realize about the safety either (I guess she thinks the gun is busted) so she pulls out a giant knife and literally lifts Tom off his feet, telling Josie she wants her to watch him suffer before she dies too.

But Josie has one more trick up her sleeve: her camera, which is in the pocket of the windbreaker she’s wearing. If she can get one good shot, maybe the flash will distract Helen enough that she can grab the gun and kill her before she kills Tom. And it’s a good shot. So good, in fact, that it lights up the entire island as though from the sun. Helen is momentarily blinded and drops the boy, and Josie has enough light to find the gun, flick the safety off, and fire six shots into Helen’s chest.

So Pascal is now safe, but Josie’s still dying, right? And Tom? Hang on a second. Josie realizes that the red in the little statuette is blood. Her godly blood. In fact, when she takes it out of her pocket, the head has turned into essentially a flip-cap. But there’s only enough for one person, so guess what. Yep, she makes Tom drink it, and once again Pike has killed off the first-person protagonist. Really — he’s done it in literally every single (YA) story written from 1PP so far. I’d say to start expecting it, only the next major one from this perspective is The Last Vampire, so ... but maybe he’s counting that as dead?

Our epilogue finds Sryope at the top of Mount Kynthos, conversing with Apollo, who she has only now realized is her own father. He is interested to know what she’s learned from her time on Earth, and as they arise into the sun she begins the tale of a girl on a plane to Greece.

And hereby we close The Immortal. I have to say I’m not mad at it. The agency of the girls and goddesses is useful, and it certainly does more with the kinky Greek myth sex than anything teachers will let you read. The parallel of the higher being dying after fulfilling an important informational mission between the narrative and the dad’s screenplay is super-thin, and I could have done without that, but Josie and Helen are kind of badasses who don’t apologize for their desires, and I’m glad. I’m also glad that this re-read gave me the thought to check on that ground-glass thing, which makes me more OK with hamburgers. 

[seajudge70-blog]

Chris Meloni Best Films and TV Shows

Welcome to TV Guide's 12 Days of Chris-Mas, a festive celebration of famous dudes named Chris. Every day leading up to Dec. 25, we will honor a single Chris, counting down to the best Chris of the year. Today, that honor goes to Chris Meloni, the sixth best Chris.

It has been seven years since Chris Meloni left Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, but in the minds of many Meloni still is and always will be Det. Elliot Stabler. Meloni has worked consistently, including in several high-profile projects, since leaving SVU, but more people probably know about his latest reunion pic with Mariska Hargitay than they do his recent IMDb credits. And you know what? That's a damn shame, because Christopher Meloni's career is one wild ride, and it's time we give it the appreciation it deserves.

12 Days of Chris-Mas, Explained

I'm not saying we shouldn't all worship at the altar of Det. Stabler, merely that Chris Meloni has been serving up a lot more looks than Catholic Crime-Solver Who Ignites Your Daddy Issues over his 30-year career. So if you only know him as Olivia Benson's hot-headed partner, it's time to change that. And to make it easy for you, we've put together this chronological viewing guide to help you get to know the beauty, the grace, the absolute weirdness that is Christopher Peter Meloni, actor-at-large and your low-key favorite Chris.

Dinosaurs

What It Is: An ABC sitcom about a family of anthropomorphic dinosaurs, portrayed by animatronic puppets. The series ran for four seasons and famously ended with a series finale that saw the dinosaurs' irresponsible actions toward their environment causing the Ice Age that led to their own extinction. Dark stuff. Who Meloni Played: Spike, the trouble-making friend of the family's eldest son Robbie. He appeared to be a Polacanthus dinosaur if you're into that kind of trivia. This role is really just great because Meloni is playing a slang-slingin' teenage bad boy, which is pretty much the last thing you'd picture when you think of Meloni. Where to Watch: Hulu

12 Monkeys

What It Is: An Oscar-nominated and Golden Globe-winning science fiction film in which a man, James Cole (Bruce Willis), is sent back in time to prevent the release of a deadly virus that wipes out most of humanity. While in the past, Cole kidnaps but ultimately teams up with a scientist, Dr. Railly (Madeleine Stowe), to try and prevent the apocalypse. Who Meloni Played: When you think of 12 Monkeys, you think of three people: Bruce Willis, Madeleine Stowe and Brad Pitt. You definitely do not think of Meloni, but that doesn't mean he didn't play the small role of Lt. Halperin, aka that guy who investigates Railly's abduction by Cole. It was very much a "that guy" role for the "that guy" stage of Meloni's career. Where to Watch: Starz, Hulu with Starz add-on, Amazon Prime with Starz add-on

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

What It Is: The adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson's iconic novel of the same name that your college boyfriend was probably obsessed with. Johnny Depp stars as Raoul Duke, a Gonzo journalist who goes on a surreal and psychedelic exploration of Las Vegas in a drug-induced haze. Who Meloni Played: Sven, an embattled desk clerk at the Flamingo who has a heated confrontation with a guest before checking Raoul Duke in. It's a very small role, but Meloni brings such intensity to it that when acting teachers say "there are no such things as small parts, only small actors," they're probably thinking of this. Where to Watch: Starz, Hulu with Starz add-on, Amazon Prime with Starz add-on

Runaway Bride

What It Is: A beloved Garry Marshall rom-com starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in which Roberts plays Maggie, a woman who has jilted three men on her wedding day but is finally planning to make it down the aisle... that is until she falls in love with the reporter (Gere) who is covering her wedding. Who Meloni Played: Maggie's fiancé! With an ensemble cast that also includes Joan Cusack and Rita Wilson, Meloni's performance as Maggie's latest fiancé, high school football coach Bob Kelly, is often overlooked -- much like how Bob Kelly overlooked the fact that Maggie fell in love with someone else right up to the moment that they started making out in front of him. Where to Watch: Starz, Hulu with Starz add-on, Amazon Prime with Starz add-on

This Bracket Will Settle the Hollywood Chris Debate Once and for All

Wet Hot American Summer

What It Is: David Wain and Michael Showalter's satirical comedy about the jam-packed and surreal last day at a summer camp in 1981. The beloved film features an all-star cast that includes Bradley Cooper, Amy Poehler, Elizabeth Banks and Paul Rudd as the camp's counselors and staff. Although the 2001 film flopped when it was released, it developed a cult following over the years and has since spawned a Netflix prequel series, First Day of Camp, and sequel series, Ten Years Later.

Who Meloni Played: Gene, the shell-shocked Vietnam vet and camp chef who develops a close friendship with a talking can of mixed vegetables and who would prefer fondling sweaters and humping fridges to dealing with actual people most of the time. Of all of Meloni's many, many eccentric roles, this one definitely takes home the top prize and really is a must-watch for anyone who is having a hard time imagining Meloni as anything other than the super serious Stabler. Where to Watch: Netflix, Starz, Hulu with Starz add-on, Amazon Prime with Starz add-on

Oz

What It Is: HBO's first hour-long drama series ever, Oz is about the experimental unit of a maximum-security state prison, following the lives of those who were imprisoned there and those who worked there. The series was known for its brutality and refusal to shy away from harsh real-world issues, but this violence was balanced out by a heightened sense of surrealism and even a dose of well-done camp. Who Meloni Played: Chris Keller, a charming but ruthless murderer who develops a complicated romantic relationship with fellow inmate Tobias Beecher (Lee Tergesen). The couple's intense on-and-off love story provided much of the heart of the series (and much of the heart-wrenching betrayal). Other than Stabler and Benson, this is probably the role and the pairing Meloni is shipped hardest for. Where to Watch: HBO Go, Amazon Prime, Hulu with HBO add-on

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

What It Is: The famous stoner comedy starring John Cho and Kal Penn as a pair of friends whose quest to get White Castle leads them on several misadventures. There really isn't much more to the film than that. Who Meloni Played: Freakshow, the boil-riddled tow-truck driver who picks up Harold and Kumar and tries to have a foursome with the duo and his sexy wife. And if you forgot this was Meloni or didn't realize it was him, we forgive you because the prosthetics and makeup Meloni wore for this role were so good/disgusting that they actually made it a little hard to look at him. Meloni also played a different role, that of a KKK Grand Wizard, in the sequel, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. Where to Watch: Amazon Prime (for purchase)

This Daily Show Sketch

What It Is: After a cop named Anthony Bologna was recorded using pepper spray on Occupy Wall Street protestors in 2011, The Daily Show imagined what a police procedural about Tony Bologna would look like. Who Meloni Played: Tony Bologna, obviously. And while the sketch is solid overall, really, the best part is when they credit the actor as "Chris Melogna." Where to Watch: YouTube

True Blood

What It Is: A sexy supernatural drama about a small-town waitress (Anna Paquin) from Louisiana who falls in love with a vampire (Stephen Moyer) and then a lot of murder and orgies ensue. But, more importantly, this HBO series features Alexander Skarsgard as a vampire so hot he can even pull off a tracksuit. Who Meloni Played: Meloni joined the cast in Season 5 as Roman Zimojic, an ancient vampire leader who would do anything to foster peace between vampires and humans. This definitely wasn't True Blood at its peak (not even close), but it's worth noting that this does mark Meloni's first post-SVU role. Not the most memorable way to kick off the new era of his career, but it was quite a buzzy casting at the time. Where to Watch: HBO Go, Amazon Prime, Hulu with HBO add-on

Which Chris Is Your Soulmate?

42

What It Is: Chadwick Boseman stars in this biopic about Jackie Robinson, the first African-American to play Major League Baseball. It was a box office success and is every bit as earnest and inspirational as you'd imagine. Who Meloni Played: Leo Durocher, the Dodgers manager who insists that Jackie Robinson plays with the main team. It's not a huge part or anything like that, but if you're craving some Prestige Meloni, some Get This Man to the Oscars Meloni, this should definitely be at the top of your to-watch pile. Where to Watch: Amazon Prime (for purchase)

Veep

What It Is: This hit political satire stars Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Selina Meyer, the vice president (and later president) of the United States. She and her team attempt to create a lasting legacy while subjecting anyone within earshot to their brutal, artful insults. The HBO comedy has won 17 Emmys so far, which is probably a record when it comes to shows that include the phrase "Jolly Green Jizzface." Who Meloni Played: Finally a role that takes advantage of Meloni's best asset: his butt! In Season 3, Meloni recurred as Ray Wheelans, Selina's personal trainer with whom she begins a sexual relationship. The role required Meloni to deliver a lot of hilariously ill-informed lines, but more importantly meant we got a lot of scenes of him wearing spandex, other tight clothes and sometimes no clothes at all. Where to Watch: HBO Go, Amazon Prime with HBO add-on, Hulu with HBO add-on

Underground

What It Is: A critically acclaimed historical drama about a group of runaway slaves who escape a Georgia plantation and attempt the 600-mile journey to freedom along the Underground Railroad. Who Meloni Played: August Pullman, a bounty hunter who catches runaway slaves and returns them for profit. But credit to the writers and to Meloni's performance, August isn't the one-dimensional villain his character description would imply. So if you thought Meloni didn't play enough fascinating antagonists, well, you thought wrong. Where to Watch: Hulu

This YouTube Video

What It Is: A game Meloni played while appearing on Steve in which Steve Harvey challenged the actor to juggle, do the dougie and do the splits. If that doesn't get you to click, I don't know what you're even doing reading this list. Who Meloni Played: Himself, which means he wore a very questionable hat. Don't fight it. Just accept it. Meloni is who he is and that's why we love him, hat and all. Where to Watch: YouTube

Pose

What It Is: FX's groundbreaking drama follows the juxtaposition of several segments of New York society in the late '80s, including the black and Latino ball culture, the downtown social and literary scene and the uptown yuppies. The series broke ground by featuring the largest cast of transgender actors in a narrative series. Who Meloni Played: Elektra Abundance's (Dominique Jackson) mysterious sugar daddy, who keeps the ballroom queen dripping in jewels but refuses to finance Elektra's gender confirmation surgery. As for how Meloni landed the small but crucial part? Executive producer Janet Mock said that she wanted to cast "a man where no one would question his sexuality." But also, Mock added, "I was like Zaddy," which really does sum up Meloni in a nutshell. Where to Watch: FX+, Amazon Prime (available for purchase)

Happy!

What It Is: A bizarre black comedy based on the comic series of the same name, Happy! is about a disgraced detective turned hitman who teams up with his estranged daughter's imaginary friend -- who appears as a small, blue, winged unicorn -- in order to save his daughter after she's been kidnapped by an evil man dressed as Santa Claus. Remember when we called this show bizarre? That might have been an undersell. Who Meloni Played: Nick Sax, the alcoholic cop with a chip on his shoulder and an imaginary sidekick. Of all the credits to his name, this one feels like the most Meloni role of them all, even more so than Stabler. It blends everything Meloni is great at: gritty cop 'tude, electric intensity that can boil over into violence at the smallest provocation, over-the-top comedy and just generally being really, really weird with impressive conviction. Where to Watch: Amazon Prime (available for purchase)

But look -- if you still aren't convinced that Meloni is anything more than Det. Stabler, all of SVU is available to stream on Hulu now. Trust us, though, if that's all you know him for, you're missing out.

Source: http://www.tv.com/news/chris-meloni-best-films-and-tv-shows-15453252170066408/