#guess whose dysphoric

[chatter-crow]

this trans shit suckkkksss

[b1rdbra1ned]

i really want davids voice. give it to me

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

i met with a good friend yesterday and it was really nice but something is bothering me and i wish it didnt.

so she has started to call herself a „queer feminist“. she kept talking about „queer“ this and „queer“ that and at some point talked about reading a „queer“ book. thats when i interjected and said what does queer mean? this tells me nothing. is it about a trans male experience, about a lesbian woman, this doesnt mean anything (turned out to be about a bisexual woman which is why she related which she probably wouldnt have if it was about a different type of „queer“ person). so i go on saying thats why i find the term useless. she says she finds it a useful umbrella term and i say umbrella for what? she says „what if for example a woman dates a nonbinary person?“ im like well it depends if the person is male or female since sexuality is still based on sex. what do i as a bisexual woman have in common with a straight man who thinks he‘s a woman? i dont see us as part of the same group. and while she wasnt able to explain the usefulness of the term she said she would keep using it. out of principle i guess.

and it frustrates me because she like many other women is an intelligent and reflected woman whose opinion matters to me but she seems to mindlessly parrot whats popular right now which makes me take her opinion on feminism a lot less serious. how are you a feminist but you think one can identify in and out of womanhood? who are womens rights for then? people who identify as women or people who are women? at the end of the day, if you think women can stop being women under certain conditions, i just dont know how you are helping the liberation of women.

i just cant take people seriously who earnestly use nothing terms like „queer“ and „nonbinary“ and who think me an extremist for not pretending the person we both know is a woman is a „nonbinary person“. it doesnt seem like she has thought about why its predominantly women identifying as nonbinary, and what background these people have (we live in a very liberal city and shes doing her masters in a program and at a university that is breathing queer theory). its like a virus, smart women suddenly regurgitating and internalising all this seemingly without ever considering the implications and consequences. and it creates a distance between women like my friend and i who definitely share a value system but i refuse to pretend and just accept.

she doesnt even know theres many lesbian, gay, bisexual and even trans people who dont consider themselves „queer“. „queer“ is its own community and NOT an umbrella term for same sex attracted or gender dysphoric people (who are already not a coherent group). depending who you ask, asexuals and intersex people are also included. which basically makes „queer“ another term for „different“ (which is its original meaning completely lost here because we are in germany and only use queer in this context).

and since we had debates in the past i already know where it will go when we talk about it. she considers me to be extreme anyways so we will start with her wanting to reject my opinion. it will end with her saying „i cant argue with that (my arguments) but i still disagree“ because its so scary to start questioning all that while youre in these super „queer“ environments.

[methed-up-marxist]

Im really scared there are people who dont know that youre dead. I dont know why i let myself get between me and you. You were a lot of things to so many people but you were clearly forward bubbly loving and caring to everyone i dont think you knew how not to be. I’ve committed to be nicer and kinder to everyone in the past few days after i blew up at that “cute transmasc with droogs whose lovely”. I never blew up at you, I only blow up at people after i let them get really really close. I thought I was protecting you, that cant be right youre fucking dead. I thought I was protecting myself and I feel very safe I just dont want to be. You blew up at me a few times, not many. I thought it was none but i found one trawling through messages. And then there was this last time. And were still in that argument. We’re going to be in that argument forever. I’m glad you dont have to deal with it. I was doing pretty well at developing themes when i wrote about you and me up until now. I just feel trapped now. You loved chemistry and you loved linguistics. Specifically you loved biochemistry. I guess linguistics is always already biolinguistics. I cant believe i let myself write that. “Yes i agree. Psycho tranny bitches hold the record for most crazy things said in a single hour” A voice message I have from you. Not one of many. Its pulling a lot of weight right now. I loved picking you up ilyana I fucking loved picking you up I’m so thankful that you loved it. I’m so thankful that you so clearly loved it too. I’m so thankful that no one present could deny you were loving it. You always had my back against that shit, you always stuck up for me to anyone who suggested I was being too much, too forward with you. You wanted me to love you and you defend me against anyone who started acting like i was like one of the shitty guys who loved you just because we had similar bodies. I’m going to get stronger. Girls like you arent going to be scared because girls like me are too dysphoric to be strong anymore. Or atleast a handful of them arent. You had so many positive impacts on so many people and you were just coming out of your shell. I’m going to drag all the little bits of you lodged in me out of their shell and I’m going to be just a little bit more like you. A little bit. You've made me love myself so much I think thats all I can manage.

[orkbutch]

A Gender Feelings Dump bc i have my semi-public diary back now :)

I came back to tumblr because I got immediately obsessed with BG3 and knew I wanted to do it Proper Fandom Like. Possibly because its been a surprisingly nostalgic experience and the last time I was into something like this, I was on tumblr doing fandom (DA, fallout, ect.) so maybe its all regression, idk. But it has resulted in me drawing and writing the most I ever have in 6 years, since I left my bachelor of illustration and decided I couldn't do art as a career and I needed Real Work (tm) to live and meet my goals.

That has changed. I've realised I have been fighting my nature; I've wanted to be an artist since I was a child, and I was Always solely fixed on that goal. And one thing 6 years of drawing and creating a lot less did was... cut me off from a gender experience I have! Which I lowkey forgot about, and am now rediscovering? And its an odd (but also not odd at all) one that I gotta ramble about.

My name is Emmanuel Josephine [Redacted], and I picked Josephine because its my favourite name and because I was aware that sometimes, I simply am not... in Emmanuel headspace. Emmanuel is a Tom of Finland rough-housing cowboy priest. Which are often my vibes. But lately I have been a lot more Josephine, whose vibes are more ... 15th Century nun troubadour secretly in love with their fellow nun. Am I making sense? These are just vibes. Gender word association.

Anyway, I've realise these track to whether I'm more preoccupied, at that period of my life, with the outside world or my internal world. I phrase it that way because I don't want to imply that Emmanuel is just "Face", a social performance; I can be and am Josephine with other people. These aren't personality changes (Important to specify that because I have DDNOS lol), but maybe... the temporary moving of my perspective and perceptions.

I think when I'm feeling very creative and making a lot of things, I become very introspective; for me, art is always a conversation with myself. My Perspective and Perception inevitably shifts to be more internal. That makes me less responsive to social contexts, which is obviously a massive part of gender identity. And I just become a lot Less Gendered... I think?

Perhaps thats why Josephine is best described to me as a cloistered nun. I become less dysphoric about my body (because I think about it less) and I become fairly disinterested in having sex (though I am still just as interested in sexuality as a subject). I experience this broad, internal landscape that feels so intricate and distinct from the external world that it feels almost divine, or I guess metaphysical, even though I don't believe in anything spiritual. That is the shift in perspective; the internal world becoming the focus over the external.

Which, like... is this dissociation? I genuinely don't know. I have a dissociation disorder, so it would make sense. The separation from my dysphoria and libido, and the turn inwards, thats pretty dissociative stuff. I don't know. I feel pretty present. Its just weird.

I can't tell if this is an alternative experience that is gendered, what you may call A Gender Experirnce, or a dissociative episode (are the two really that different?), or more specifically, a regressive episode. Idk. Brains are wild.

[aeide-thea]

i feel like fairly regularly i make posts on here that are like 'huh, turns out that actually this Cut-For-Women garment i thought was fairly neutral and would be unremarkable makes me dysphoric!!' and then like. learn nothing from that realization and make an identical post about a different garment some months later—

like it's complicated because as a short king* i do frequently enjoy eg short shorts. are they masc? no. is my (inaccurate but gratifying) self-concept one of those, like, vintage dudes in short shorts when i wear them? yes, so it's fine. and there are some other things like that, where like, if i do the right mental gymnastics they can work for me (i started to specify but like. does anyone really care, lol. apply within in the unlikely event that you Must Know, i guess!).

however i think negative ease is like. more and more consistently a problem for me. like it just feels to me like such a vestige of womenswear training—

[here i'd originally typed out and then redacted a whole excursus on like, all the transmasc fashion blogs you used to see years ago where people would put together these legitimately masc outfits and then on the bottom they'd do these incredibly clingy skinny jeans, bc like, who am i to police that, maybe they were into the deliberate juxtaposition of it! but i did always wonder at the time whether it was just, like, a leftover womenswear habit they hadn't yet actively scrutinized, although probably it was unenlightened of me to be noticing it at all…]

—and the more i move away from that training, the more i find that things i've bought which don't have actively positive ease just strike me as, like, weirdly shrunken and constricting?? which is frustrating when they're things whose material, color, &c i otherwise still quite like!

anyway really this is a post abt how i currently have one (1) hoodie i like, and in theory it would be nice to have a second one both for more color combination possibilities and also because i hear you're like. supposed to take things off and wash them ever, even if merino is magic or whatever. however (a) there aren't any other interesting colors in that particular model, really, and the people who do make interesting colors (icebreaker) really want you to be taller than i am, especially for menswear; and (b) the whole problem is extremely irritating because i do have another older hoodie in a colorway i still quite like! there's nothing wrong with it except that stupidly i bought it too form-fitting at the time and now even though by womenswear standards it does in fact still 'fit' the way it clings through my shoulders/arms is making me insane!

in conclusion, grr, argh, &c.

⸻ * 'king' isn't really the right language for me but like. in a totally inexplicable turn of events (it's very explicable. we can do a whole sidebar on how binary gender is a pillar of the kyriarchy or whatever.) most noble titles i'm aware of are very binarily gendered. maybe we'll go with 'marquess' bc like. it's a man's title but also looks feminine by ordinary english standards and like. what am i if not the ruler of a border area.

[sapphos-darlings]

i think i might be both lesbian and ftm (definitely homosexual, female, dysphoric, have considered transition for years and think it genuinely may help - its just putting the pieces together that gives me hesitation). im single, have dated a few other trans men when i identified differently, but ive never tried to date in the lesbian community. im trying to figure out how it would, i guess, work if i did transition? my current plan of "meet women & transmascs looking to date women or transmascs, tell them im a transmasc lesbian immediately, hope they understand what i mean and also mutual attraction is there" seems honest but possibly unlikely to work. am i missing something, or is it just a hard path im considering? i know one of the mods previously lived as a trans man so i was hoping you might have some experience or advice to share

Your identity, while it will sound wildly conflicting by the book, is actually not at all out there or anywhere near as rare as you'd believe. People are rarely black and white or fit into neat boxes, and transmasculine people have a long history with homosexual women. There have been, and continue to be today, butch lesbians who are taking testosterone or who have had mastectomies, and who go by male pronouns. Gender dysphoria and breaking the rules of our gendered society, in both gay and lesbian communities, has always been so prevalent that this cross-gender expression is rightfully part of our recognised cultural heritage, and one of the most rooted stereotypes associated with us. Even with the rise of transgender people's own, clearly separate rights movement, there is much more overlap in reality than these easy to identify labels would let you believe.

You, as an individual, do not have to be "lesbian" or "ftm" or "female" or "male" or "man" or "woman" in any particular way. It's up to you to express yourself, not your categories; while people instinctively assume that a label will cover all that you are, this is never the case for a person. We are so much more than these aspects of our identity.

And yes, the opposite is still true: there are gay men who date transgender women, and gay women who date transgender men. I follow plenty of trans channels to date as it's both relevant to my life now and to my history before and remains an interest, and some of these channels are for partners of trans people. One of the most common topics brought up is how to match one's identity label to the seemingly out-of-bounds relationship that is happening now, and seeing so many of them, and the unique situations of the people behind them, you come to realise that a label is not a natural fit for people, it's just something we make up to find community.

Further... beyond just exclusively gay people, we bisexuals are also here, we are plentiful, and we are absolutely wonderful. Not all of us, of course, are open to dating gender diverse people - but many others are, and we're typically quite relaxed when it comes to label complications simply because they don't challenge how we're expected to be dating, which is often a source of distress for both exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual people when confronted with a relationship that isn't quite what the handbook said it would be.

Lastly, yes, you are choosing the hard path. That's just how things are, universally, for transitioned and transitioning people, and for lesbians, and for anybody else who is not the norm in our society. There are fewer of us, we are less understood, and we have fewer people whose attraction will naturally match with us either because it isn't how they're wired or because they've never brushed up with the idea beyond a hypotethical concept. However, this doesn't mean you're doomed by any means. Just using myself as an example: I'm truly a mess when it comes to gender, both trans and not trans at the same time and which label applies to me more depends entirely on the subject and the alignment of the stars, and though it's taken its sweet time coming, I've now been in a relationship with a wonderful nonbinary/gender diverse partner for well over a year. While they may not always understand the fine details of how my identity works, that can't really be expected of anybody, even somebody using the same label as I hypotethically might. I don't understand how theirs does all of the time, either - I'd say more than they don't get mine, as my struggles are largely of the transsexual variety, more about the body than expression, and theirs are more of the gender variety, where their identity and inner perception of self reign superior to the matters of the meat. But we don't have to be fully up to date on any of that: what we have in common is much more relevant to our everyday life than the fine details of the things we don't, and at the end of the day, what we have is a gay relationship, which - while it comes with its own struggles and difficulties - still allows for an amazing variety of self-expression in gender and identity both, even within this simple overarching label and state of existing in the world.

Whatever you choose, you'll find people you match up with, and in the end, it's better to be happy with yourself than unhappy with somebody else.

[edmund-k-edmonds]

BACK IN THE CLOSET, ANTHONY - A thought on DID and gender identity.

Two years ago, I started to explore my identity. It didn't feel like it at the time, honestly, I was just playing Dress up. I called it Drag, but really, it was more than that. I just wasn't aware of it yet. I put on a wig I found online, masculine clothes, and instantly, I heard a whisper in my mind:

Anthony.

That was my first encounter with an aesthetic, a personality. Anthony. That was my drag name at the time. I was just having so much fun being Anthony. He was a way for me to be bigger, bolder. He was a grumpy brat with a love for shirt with patterns. He helped me grow confidence and, soon enough, made me realize I was happier when I was serving masc. Now almost one year ago, I came out transgender to my loved ones, and I am now in the process of having my name legally changed and I am about to get HRT too -yaaaay! I could never thank Anthony enough I thought, so I decided to have Anthony as my middle name.

Now, what I'm not saying about Anthony is that is not just a little drag persona I pretend to be. He has memories, preferences, traumas, a story I did not make up. Sometimes, I really AM Anthony. And others.

That's right. A few months now, during this very confusing transition process, I also found out I am in the DID spectrum. I was already diagnosed bipolar, I guess it came with a little extra.

Anthony was an Alter all along, alongside Gwenn, Nuage, Chris, Thomas, Toy and Leona, the only girl of the pack.

Since I started living with the knowledge They exist in this corner of my head, my life has been a rollercoaster. They laugh, they cry, they fall in love, they interact with my girlfriend, some of my friends, and sometimes, yes, sometimes, they make me feel gender euphoria...and gender dysphoria.

What Anthony started was my aknowledgement that I was in the transgender spectrum. What the others made me realize is that gender and sexuality is so fluid, especially when you're struggling with your mental health and probably when you're experiencing DID-I'm only refering to myself here, I would love to hear about similar experiences though !

Last night, I couldn't find sleep.

I was reflecting on those euphoric and dysphoric moments.

Gwenn is a straight, cis man. Nuage too.

Leona is a cis girl whose sexuality is unknown.

Chris and Thomas are cis gay men.

Toy considers himself agender and uses neopronouns. He is pansexual, too, like me.

I have similarities with my Alters but also so sooo many differences.

So as I couldn't sleep, I was reflecting on my gender identity and discovered the word "pangender", which means feeling all of the gender at once. For me, it was... a revelation. It made so much sense.

Since all of these different Alters inhabit me, I am all those genders at the same time. But I don't forget myself in those different identities. It's a little confusing sometimes because I tend to not want to be myself more often than I would like to admit , feeling more confident in their "skins", but I realized last night that those identities built me the way I am. I am the body, and I feel like I am blessed with a few other souls.

This body is pangender, pansexual, and it's okay. Thank you Anthony, I think I just finished what you started two years ago.

(A note: I don't want to sound like I want to sum up the entirety of the DID experience, I'm just reflecting on my own. No DID System is like any other. )

(Another note: The first picture Anthony ever took of himself, two years ago)

[sharonisthebettercarter]

butchlander idea i can not stop fuckin' thinkin' about

*fake omega* alpha lady homelander and *fake alpha* omega man butcher, both complete aberrations to society (their real dynamics) and mad at the world, cause bitch they got needs and secret desires that aren't being met (and their dynamics are publicly listed as reverse of what they really are because of course they are, and hidden, whose up for illegal suppressants for billy y'all~<3 billy sure is)

hear me out (and of course gotta mention the translady homie and transman butcher option, cause that option is cute too if a little different. mayhaps with some logical workings cause vought, but honestly who the fuck would be able to stop a former dysphoric man homie from getting things to transition into lady homie if she wanted to??? nobody, that's fuckin' who, not even a fucking republican legislator, she would def need enhanced possibly with compound v?? hormones tho)

for lady alpha homelander logics (and why vought wouldn't start over for a boy) the genetics behind abo could fuck up and make it harder to tell between alphas prior to birth (plus limited genetic material to make her) or someone fucked up real bad in the process~

anywho~<3

the point is, i want a gorgeous goddess lady homelander (MUST) with a massive, well and neatly managed lady schlong to rail a grumpy and forever adorable man butcher (or lady billy because also yes) with a swampy, smelly, ripe, untrimmed jungle of a man cunt down south (MUST, i could not tell you why i need butcher with a pussy so bad. i just do, butt secret butt cunt as per typical of omegaverse is always an option too)

i want to divinely punish him for his obsessive use of the word cunt because i'm petty and thats my thing bitch but also BITCH butcher with a swampy cunt

and this can run three ways for both physically i guess at least how i imagine it. mentally, there's def a slightly more specific picture though i guess, what with the hang ups and their fake dynamics~<3<3<3

for ladylander, she can be rockin' that amazonian blonde goddess look and mommy please step on me muscle and skull crushing thighs. because... YES PLEASE GOTDAMN (personal fave here, i really fuckin' like muscle)?? kinda comic accurate i guess?? she is absolutely an alpha and people question her fake (omega) dynamic, but she's just so beautiful (and obviously a superhero), she slips on by~<3 and yes, she absolutely fucking breasts boobily down those fucking stairs, boob window required... because i wish homelander had a dick tease window

she could be more akin to the show, medium/leaner build, still very much goddess with a bit more subtlety and *perfect* model height just under 6 ft for the 'perfect woman' image vought could build around this version (little less larger than life than the glamazon ladylander) dynamic is easier to hide

OR, to fit the 'babygirl' aesthetic people like to joke about, we have a small, cutesy, demure, and sweetie pie polite short girl ladylander~<3 who is the *perfect* image of her *fake* dynamic (omega) that absolutely no one is aware of the raging pussy splitting monster in her pants. she is VERY good at tucking and just the prettiest little thing... but probably absolutely the most dangerous of the 3 options (some inbetween and tweakidge is perfectly fine if ya want any of these ideas, even if i hate it, these are just my horny night ramblin's free to take)

and~ she'd be an absolute DEVIL in disguise, literally lookin' like a goddamn angel regardless of sexy form. she would absolutely bully the shit out of men to fuckin' tears and step on them, always finding them pathetic because they just don't have that drive or fight that makes them the perfect tsun tsun~ firecracker she is secretly longing for. ;))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) with the potential to dial up yandere tendencies<3 she'd love a good hole is a hole~<3 much to vought's dismay, but certain elements like vought frequently telling her to 'hold back' and 'not be an alpha (literal in this sense) take on a WHOLE different set a connotations with a lady~<3 (especially a gal who's very misaligned with the expectations for her) and the potential for chaos is just... lemme tell ya...

lemme not, feel free to imagine because this will derail if i go into that~<3

suit options for world building might go opposite direction in which her outfit *hides* muscle to make her look less strong, especially if shes supposed to be that sweet and demure 'omega' (ripped and compact always makes me so fucking happy) but her lady relationships would also become even more complicated than they already are (the possibility of that is damn near scary) and she'd be hella jealous and upset looking at pregnant women/omegas because she'd probably desperately want a child more specifically to pump one into an omega (yay for vought dismay~<3)

for billy boo~<3? oh, his daddy issues would deepen to high hell, but good god, butcher, you crusty ass burnt ass fuckin' marshmallow~<3, that sweet n' fluffy goodness in him that he tries so desperately to hide could definitely be played with~<3! billy being an omega when his piece of shit father wanted a strong alpha son could deepen the layers there between what billy really wanted and what he's been made into (we know what a nurturing mama bear sweetie he can be on his loved ones<3 especially lenny<3<3<3... and what a goddamn twink he was as a young adult LMAO) but it'd also explain the constant need to reassure himself of the toxic machismo to the point of (will never fucking let this shit go, lost all interest in you potentially topping with this, billy~<3<3<3) *unironically* calling himself an *alpha male*...

bitch i cannot get over that, no i don't care if he was trying to land an inappropriate joke, we all know he meant it. and raynor IS more alpha than him<3

but anywho~<3

image wise, billy can be struggling with not being the typical alpha (obviously), being a smol but angry thing that gets by working his ass off for muscle, using blockers and fake alpha scent, think he pairs well with that glamazon~<3 but smol togetherness is cute too, harder to prove fake dynamic

he can also be a big buff boi who meets all the standards for an alpha on the outside, height, muscle, whatever it may be~<3 except of course for that swampy cunt<3<3<3 and deep seeded desire to get railed and knotted so damn hard. and i'd say smol 'babygirl' sweetie ladylander would be the perfect one to give him what he needs~<3<3<3 but i love me a sexy buff couple too~<3! no question to the faked alpha status

course, show option middle a the road toned but not extreme butcher is there. skinny little ankles and all~<3... i saw a picture of urban shirtless the other day with this beautiful pudgy little belly (shut up) and it TOOK my mind PLACES (SHUT UP). i'm not saying it was absolutely the perfect image for mpreg just starting that second trimester. butt. (shut up~<3) i am absolutely saying that

story options actually offer some roads here, especially if infertility/sterility (yes i am absolutely thinking of billy being ryan's 'mum' and mpreg being involved, hwy do you ask~<3?) are explored. i'd imagine female alphas/male omegas are both deemed infertile/sterile in this kinda world build (where both are considered aberrations) but it could be one or the other (and in their case, sorry not sorry billy, i love it when that shit's wrong~<3)

could also be *neither*<3 but they're still considered aberrations because people are absolute sexist foreskins and because kindred souls~<3

i will say that if becca is billy's wife and that christmas party does happen for them to meet, ladylander would absolutely take interest in *billy* and billy alone immediately and definitely know what he was behind all the chemical shit with her super senses~<3 and if they meet before billy's with becca, there's not a chance he isn't spreading his legs for ladylander with absolute enthusiasm

do i even have enough self awareness i do to understand why i want a ladylander with a massive but also appropriately pretty schlong shut the fuck up to completely destroy shut and impregnate the fuck a very swampy needs a goddamn lawnmower up belonging to one william butcher SHUT THE FUCK UP and why i find it... so fucking hawt? no, i absolutely do i do not yes i fucking do this question is rhetorical don't you dare try to fucking answer it but i still fucking want it. I JUST NEED THE SWAMPY CUNT BUTCHER IF NOTHING ELSE SATAN PLEASE

also, her name is joan/joanie because MOTHERFUCK YES. but she's shy about it~<3

okay, i'm done... good god these ideas... well brain, it's out there now.

[basil-enthusiast]

we need more chubby trans guys in media. desparately.

it bothers me a little less now, but especially when i first realized I'm transmasc being chubby has made me really dysphoric ! some of it is general body insecurity but a big part of it is just that I. never see chubby or fat trans guys in media ! and if you search 'transmasc' or smthn into pinterest ! guess what ur gonna get. skinny white guys with fluffy hair whose chests bind completely flat. i just watched fanfic on netflix, and I really emjoyed it ! i think the transmasc rep is really amazing and im so glad the movie exists, it made me super happy. but, the main character is a skinny white guy.

and there is nothing wrong with being a skinny white transmasc, obviously. but that cant be the only rep. we need transmascs who are chubby and fat, and who are POC and who wear their hair natural ! we need transmascs who dont 'pass'; we need to show the different transmascs that exist because if we dont, people think their looks invalidate their identity.

it sucks, truly---and im white, with fluffy hair. i just have a big tummy and thighs that touch and a chest that doesnt bind all the way.

just. please please please, we need to show more people than skinny white guys with fluffy hair

[queer-queries]

Hiii so this is less of a query more of a. Rant I guess? Just wanna get thoughts out about this, maybe get some thoughts from someone who's genderqueer and possibly anyone following this blog who may have a similar experience

So ok. Context. I'm a transmasc nonbinary turian, and I've identified as such for I think 2 years now? I'm pretty comfortable in the fact that I am those things. But uh, there's a part of me that i think is still a lil attached to the fact that I was, at some point not that long ago, a straight girl. And not like, as in before I realised I was trans, there was fully a time where I was a cis straight girl. And I think there's a part of me that's still attached to what I used to be. Which is definitely somewhat dysphoric to think, heck calling myself a girl is just Not Right At All.

So like! It's confusing. I think I'm a turigirl? But I'm just not fully sure if it's a bit of me not fully internalising being trans now, or if its genuine attachment that will stick around even after I've fully transitioned. And again, calling myself a girl is dysphoric, and so the term turigirl is a bit dysphoric? Even though. I think it somewhat fits? I also think I'm actually still a lil bit straight as well actually which is really confusing ahah. So I guess I'm a straight turigirl? Idk still sounds a lil weird on me,,,,

Sorry if this is awfully worded I did not proof read this at all, uhm, hopefully you have a lil advice? Even just. A term for turigirl that isn't turigirl would be swell. tysm you are amazing

hi friend! as someone whose dysphoria has been getting worse lately but definitely has a complicated relatioinship and history with gender, i feel like i get a bit where you're coming from! dysphoria can be arbitrary! but i know that even many multigender transmascs who are both transmasc and girls still struggle with calling themselves girls because they get dysphoria from it because even though they ARE girls, they only ever get called girls to misgender them and deny them their transmasculinity. so you are absolutely not alone in your experience as a transmasc with a connection to girlhood but still getting dysphoria from that term and the thought of it.

since im a sucker for making people happy with terms, i've gone ahead and coined a term for you! i hope it fits! and if it helps, i've personally met several turigirls who id'd as straight in a way as well! and it doesn't need to make sense to me or anyone else- if it makes sense or feels right to you, that's what matters! i hope you have a lovely day anon <33 /p

[economically-not-a-communist]

Sometimes I wish I had more trans guys in my life whose experiences aligned more closely with mine. I don't any guys irl who I'm close with who also experience bottom dysphoria. I know of one single other trans guy who packs, but I haven't seen him in months.

It feels like all the trans guys around me irl (and a lot of the ones online) either only experience top dysphoria, or are cis non-dysphorics. I'm honestly kind of tired of my community being completely saturated with non-dysphorics, with significant amount of the remainder having low dysphoria or no bottom dysphoria. I hold that while any amount of dysphoria means you're trans, it's really frustrating that there aren't a ton of spaces for transsexuals/trans guys with genital dysphoria.

It's just such a vastly different experience that it seems kind of unfair that all trans guys are grouped into the same spots. I cannot relate to being fine with my natal genitalia. I cannot understand being disgusted at the thought of having a dick n balls. I don't understand actively LIKING what's down there, and not wanting to change it given the chance. I definitely don't understand trying to rebrand it as a "male thing", but whatever. Each to their own, I guess.

[butchdaisy]

This last one omg thank you. So I'm trans and non-binary and AMAB buuut I often get mistaken for a trans guy or I guess for a Trans Masc enby due to my somewhat butch presentation. And tbf that's kinda goals for me (I spent a long time thinking I was a binary trans woman so sometimes it feels like I transitioned twice, I do think the label trans masc applies to me just like no the way people think).

I present kinda butch and kinda femme, I never did any voice training back when I was presenting femme but my voice was never very deep and I have a lot of dynamic range, so I kinda sound like a guy whose been on t for a year or so.

I'm fat but I work out so I have big muscular arms and bit tiddies both of which I like to show off. I wear mostly tank tops with check shirts and jeans with bracers (fuck belts), fucking lumberjack core or whatever. It's a very neutral presentation to me but which kinda apes the overlap between butch lesbian and trans masc. As such in queer circles, especially around people that don't really know me, I often get mistaken for an AFAB trans person.

So when I express my want to be a mother, even though it is most likely never going to be a possibility for me, I get really funny looks. People assume that I'm misgendering myself by using the word "mother", I'm not, and even if I was a trans guy surely whether that counts as misgendering even then is still fucking up to me, so what you being weird about boyo.

Then I get the "oh god the idea of being pregnant makes me so dysphoric, why would you put yourself through that" kinds of lines of reasoning and I'm still like this is hurtful and EVEN IF I WAS A TRANS GUY THIS STILL ISN'T APPROPRIATE WHY ARE YOU POLICING OTHER TRANS PEOPLES BODIES.

Then finally when I explain "well there has been a misunderstanding here, it's not like I can have this thing I want anyway it's just a fantasy for me" I get a FUCKING LECTURE on how i can't possibly understand the trauma of pregnancy and how I'm a bad feminist and you know fucking what, fuck you go die in a hole.

this isn't me doing a bit btw but people really want to talk about "transgender milfs" and then treat trans women/fems who genuinely want to get pregnant and be mothers like shit.

like it's a really rough experience feeling that alienated from your body and desires and the amount of hostility towards literally just wishing you could be a mother in a specific way and being upset that you can't is really fucked. everyone is so fucking hostile and weird about bodily autonomy including wanting to have a kid.

like people act like transfems are delusional for wishing they could have kids and society treats the idea transfem uterus transplants as either a laughable joke or a disgusting perversion. like fuck, be nicer. treat them right.

[borrelia]

ykw i guess it's because i'm not really a dysphoria-haver but i really did not pick up on casey's apparent dysphoria in World's Fair. some of the reviewers were speaking abt jlb (the character) as if he was handling an OBVIOUSLY dysphoric child and im like well. criticize him all you want but i don't think it's that obvious from what he was seeing. even from what i was seeing, i was only picking up on "this child is depressed bc they are abused/neglected." like caseys experiences were very familiar to some of my old internet friends' experiences as kids whose families just. sucked. and who needed to escape into the internet bc wtf else were they supposed to do. idk just thinking aloud. he was just seeing a kid playing the ARG and acting in ways that were definitely alarming! and possibly a little too real! like yeah theres the video in the woods but when the whole point of the arg is describing ways in which your body feels strange and unreal.... thats not really a big tell on its own. as the audience we have the benefit of knowing jane schoenbrun is a trans director who is interested in telling trans stories, but the CHARACTERS sure don't know that!

[alltheangstmygifttoyou]

April 2024 Art Dump

Oki Doki! So That one very early morning that I woke up and was stuck up for over half an hour which was just long enough for me to post on tumblr about needing to organize and figure out where I stood on the entire keeping y'all up to date on the minimal work that I do with my limited energy I ended up cleaning in real life instead so today I started tackling tumblr. And boy howdy I guess I just haven't been posting my art work for y'all for some reason? I think it's laziness, I stress myself out about the tagging process and make it way more complicated than it has to be stressing myself out to the point of not posting anything. Well it gives me something to do now!

Content Warnings: Bright high saturated colors, blood, negative self talk, let me know if I need to add more

Lots of characters and playing with photo editors! So for this first batch I'm hoping the photos will stay in the same order for you all that I'm seeing them in, but in case they aren't I'll try and be a bit more descriptive so you can understand which piece I'm talking about. There's really only three different drawings here (though an argument could be made for four it isn't one that anyone is tripping over themselves to make) the rest of the differences are from a combination of filters and other different photo editing effects. I used both Canva and BeFunky (the free versions) to achieve these looks and variations and had fun tweaking the design just here and there.

The first two pieces and the only pieces with a single character feature Elena Taski, one of my favorite oc's to draw.

Underneath her there should be two pieces that have two characters in them, these characters are young children, one is a girl standing by a tree and the other is a boy running away towards a yellow line that is meant to represent part of a swingset. This is actually a panel in four panel comic of no words I did for an art class in high school, redone digitally and taken out of context. I believe this was the second panel. The characters featured are Jester and Jesse Quinn. All three of those characters are involved in the same storyline/universe of mine called Learn To Be.

The last eight photos depict another piece I did in high school, though I can't remember if it was freshman or junior year I did it. It features five characters each of whom all had individual stories going on at the time, but eventually all but one would become a part of Learn To Be. The one that didn't make it didn't do so because it was a literal self-insert lol. The characters starting from top left are Elena, Camille, Jester, June, and then said old self insert character whose name I'm feeling too dysphoric to deal with right now. Above each characters head is a negative word they think about themselves so again starting from top left it says Failure, Mistake, Useless, Worthless; And It's All Your Fault. (It's the self inserts fault you see, because gheyre the creator, so it literally is their fault all these horrible things are happening to these fiction people-) As you can guess I was doing great lmao xD

[drchucktingle]

What flavor of queer are you, if that's not too invasive of a question?

question is just fine with chuck it is kind of interesting story.

on LGBTQIA trot i am TECHNICALLY two letters

easy first one is B that does not need any more explanation. that has always been my trot

second way is what i have learned through talkin with my online buds way of non-dysphoric trans. it has taken chuck LONG time to understand this but it has been fruitful journey i think. long ago chuck would post online about becoming other people or things or concepts or wrestling with my IDENTITY as a buckaroo (whether that meant becoming sweet barbara or becoming my reverse twin or becoming the entire seahawks footballs team, very handsome). in fitting with my entire heckin LIFE some buds probably thought these were jokes when they were not at all. they were just personal artistic bubbles tumbling up and popping in ways i didnt understand yet.

but through posting these thoughts and THEN writing trans tinglers and talking to my trans buds online, i started to realize there are all kinds of versions of a trans identity INCLUDING the ones that rolled around deep inside of me that i never had a name for.

three events helped chuck understand this

first: the trans buds chuck talked to while researching harriet porber said 'well i always knew if i could press a button and change my body to match my gender i would instantly do this' and chuck thought 'of course woudlnt we all do this?' and they said 'well no, do you feel this way?' and i would say 'yes very strongly'. i will FOREVER be grateful to trans community for these conversations and maybe it is another reason why being anti-gatekeeping is so important to chuck.

second: thought about all the games i have ever played like a dang videogame or a role playing game, chuck would ALWAYS choose ladybuck character. didnt really think this was a unique thing at time but it is a pattern across whole life

third: chuck was trotting around with some buds and they all said 'whose bod would you choose if you could transform into any body?' (this is common topic for chuck believe it or not.) and the buckaroo guys went around naming the usual brats pitt or handsome channing and it got to chuck and i said 'obviously brie larson' and then the dang guys just kind of stared at chuck and then i realized 'oh, i didnt even think my answer was unusual but i guess they were only talkin guy bods'

these three things happened pretty close to one another but they were all bubbling up for decades and expressed in various ways even chuck did not entirely understand

anyway. chucks way is NOT that i feel uncomfortable in my body and it does not bring me grief. i am not upset about it honestly. i do not even THINK about it most days. however, it is all TRUE and in a purely technical and utilitarian sense of A PLUS B then YES, male would not be my preferred gender.

didnt talk on this for a while because there are MANY dysphoric trans buckaroos who go through a lot of hardships and i have gone through ABSOLUTELY NONE IN THIS WAY. it has not made my life more difficult and it does not haunt me, so i do not want to have my voice drown out other trans buds who need space to shout. i am very privileged so even though technically this applies to chuck i do not need or want any bonus points.

that beings said, part of my journey on the autistic spectrum was to recognize that EVEN THOUGH my personal story is not tragic, it is still an important one to get out there onto this timeline. IN FACT there should be more stories of buckaroos who love being autistic like chuck. i am PROUD of my trot and i love my autism (this is also why i wanted to explicitly say my lead character in camp damascus is autistic)

so in the same way, when directly asked, i will say: i am technically non-dysphoric trans ALSO this has not weighed on my life at all. my story is not tragic it is full of joy and excitement. i will not shy away from this because there are all kinds of buckaroos on this spectrum.

anyway that is my VERY LONG TROT hope you enjoyed getting to know chuck a little more thank you for this question buckaroo