#guess who has also been deeply rejected so I get that too

[crazy-ache]

I’m never going to buy the “Elain is a spoiled rotten child” interpretation that I see floating around fandom. To me, Elain is a chronic people pleaser.

She desires to please everyone around her at the expense of herself. It is why she so desperately wants to be seen. She is deeply unhappy. Symbolically, Elain is described as a trembling fawn because she is frozen like a deer in headlights in the face of what she wants vs performing what other’s expect of her.

She does this because she is suffering from self worth issues and does not believe her needs or wants are important—and that she doesn’t possess value beyond her complacency and her superficial beauty.

In fact, I believe her book is going to be about becoming selfish. I HOPE it’s about finally becoming MORE SELFISH, which she has never afforded herself to be. I hope she’s selfish and leaves the cage of limitations that has been created for her in the Night Court. I hope she’s selfish and chooses love and a mating bond because she wants it. I hope she’s selfish enough to finally put herself first in order to become the strong and brave female character she was always destined to be.

[ironunderstands]

Yapping about why I love Aventio and what I feel makes it a great ship 

(If you hate it I urge you to read this, because you don’t have to agree with me, but I want you to get where Aventio shippers are coming from at least)

I’ve just really wanted to talk about why I love Aventio because the people do not get it like I do and GODDD ITS SO GOOD WHEN DONE CORRECTLY UGHHHHH

Also this is gonna be VERY stream of consciousness I do not have a plan besides dragging you through my brain so enjoy the ride.

I guess the best place to start is the fact that Aventurine and Ratio are my two favorite characters in the game. Like even if they have no interactions with each other ever and might as well be from different pieces of media I would ship them, because I like seeing characters I like interact and the fun police cannot catch me. That’s a really shallow personal reason though and I feel like the rest I have will be able to be appreciated by others.

GOD THE DYNAMIC IS SO GOOD RAAAAAA

Two emotional constipated dumbasses circling around each other like black holes trying desperately to deny and run from their feelings when they have both fallen hard. The lack of acknowledgement of feelings on both ends is TRAGIC and it makes me want to rip my eyes out in a good way, let’s start with Ratio.

Unfortunately my glorious king Ratio has been mischaracterized to hell and back but we will get to that (and the Incorrect Reasons Why People Hate Aventio) later. Instead I will go over his actual character; a deeply insecure, intelligent man who desperately wants the rest of the galaxy to come to the realizations he has long since stumbled upon, but has been so isolated from his peers from such a young age that he’s doomed to fail in literally every social interaction he has and be misunderstood by both the audience in universe and irl (the autistic coding isn’t helping him either).

Ratio is tragically misunderstood again, both in universe and by the audience, which is why it means so much that Aventurine Gets Him. Aventurine pushes his buttons, tears down that literal cold marble facade masking the deeply silly and caring man beneath (this man bathes with rubber duckies in the privacy of his own home 😭), and that scares the shit out of Ratio. People aren’t meant to see through him, Ratio acts rude not just because he believes it’s the best way to help people, and because he believes he himself is mundane and the conclusions they come to should be their own, not his.

No, it’s also because on some level Ratio is afraid to be vulnerable around people. As much as he pretends like it doesn’t affect him, Nous’s rejection has hurt and haunted Ratio for his entire life. And I do mean his entire life, even in high school he had already set up a strict routine for himself, something commented on by his teacher, Ratio has quite literally always been striving for some sort of perfection and the fact that he cannot achieve it kills him.

Moreover, the guy just grew up way too fast, he didn’t have time to develop social skills. We see it in that afformentioned relationship with his teacher, in which they recommend Ratio (who is again in high school) to be moved up to college level stuff and transferred due to his success. He has quite literally never been able to just relax in a environment of his peers, Ratio for some reason we don’t yet know has always been dedicated to constant improvement and that leaves no room for dealing with failure.

On some level, he knows this too, that he can never be perfect. Ratio is part of the Mundanites in the Intelligenica Guild for a reason, he doesn’t just see himself as mediocre because he believes everyone is and that’s ok, but also because he looks down on himself for being too mediocre for the Genius Society, being too mediocre for Nous’s acknowledgement, being too mediocre for anything.

Which is tragic because Ratio is very accomplished and he is very smart, and his character stories aren’t even told from his pov, but rather in the style of documentaries and letters (his professor) and other works on his well acclaimed life. We don’t ever get to see how Ratio really sees himself, just the tiny cracks in his marble facade that let the real man behind the character shine through.

Because that’s what he’s playing 90% of the time, a character. Whether it be at the Herta Space Station in which his real goal was to uproot the researchers blind worship of the Genius Society, or in Penacony in which he plays up the arrogant, narcissistic scholar both people in universe and irl make him out to be, both to serve a goal bigger than himself. 

Sincere moments from Ratio are RARE but god are they beautiful, his conversation from Screwllum in 1.6 and his note to Aventurine in 2.1 will forever haunt me in the best way possible. If you want to understand Ratio as a character, yes read his character stories, but just watch that damn scene with Screwllum it is phenomenal. He cares so much and is so, so bad at expressing it, he drives me nuts, Veritas Ratio the man you are. 

And the thing is, it seems like he’s always been playing a character and doesn’t know where the real him ends anymore so he just sticks to the way people perceive him a lot of the time. Like as a kid he was constantly striving to be the best so he missed a lot of necessary developmental shit, and as an adult he’s a celebrity so it’s hard for him to attach himself to others anyways because society and his students will hound him for it.

And then you throw Aventurine into the mix, and oh boy does shit get interesting.

Veritas Ratio, perfect “unfeeling” Veritas Ratio and the one person who gets him well enough to push all his buttons and expose the vulnerable underbelly he thought he hid so well. On a fundamental level, Ratio understands this, which is why he doesn’t bother with the alabaster head, as pretending the real him is just as unfeeling and uncaring is easier.

So he brushes off Aventurine’s jests as if they are an insult to his very existence, he can’t look in Aventurine’s eyes when he “betrays” him because his poker face would break, he leaves as soon as he’s done talking because lingering would allow the weight of their conversations to sink in. Part of it is because for pretty much all of Penacony, up until the note Ratio gives him, Ratio is acting, trying to play up the role of the arrogant, unfeeling scholar to make Sunday buy the betrayal plan, because to Sunday this behavior is signs of a bad relationship between the two (honestly the fact that the audience also interpreted it this way makes me mad like did yall seriously not pay attention, but also happy because if even the players were fooled that means Sunday buying it is believable). 

However, even if it feeds into his insecurities, Aventurine knows that false facade and loves tearing it down. It’s very telling that the second time we see Ratio really freak out (the first being at Herta Space Station) is at the suggestion that he came to narrate Aventurine’s demo not because of knowledge or respect for the show or whatever, but because he genuinely likes the guy. What makes it even better is that Aventurine is the one who suggested it, and already figured out the excuses Ratio was going to use to deny it. Ratio can fool everyone else in the galaxy, but he cannot fool Aventurine, and on a fundamental level that is what makes their dynamic work, because Ratio knows Aventurine in the exact same way.

Aventurine can shove away people who care about him, out of distrust and fear that they will leave him like his family did. He can believe he’s unloveable and a person so detestable that even the actions he performs in order to stay alive condemn him to hate himself as much as the rest of the galaxy hates him. But, Ratio doesn’t see him that way.

Aventurine doubts his intelligence, if he has really earned anything he’s done and in his voiceline about Ratio, doubting if Ratio even sees him as smart or worthy. However, Ratios voiceline about Aventurine is about how he believes Aventurine is smart and worthy, and that his doubt will be his downfall if he doesn’t come to the realization that he isn’t worthless. 

Ratio knows Aventurine’s one weakness, the one thing that could stop him; himself. That’s why he gives him the note urging him to stay alive and keep on living because ultimately Aventurine will only ever fail if he gives up. And The Note Is Enough, Aventurine walks into the event horizon of a black hole, confident he can return alive on the other side because someone cares about him, BECAUSE RATIO CARES ABOUT HIM, and wants him to live on even if Aventurine doesn’t feel that way towards himself.

In the metaphorical and literal manifestation of the meaningless of the universe, in the face of overwhelming nihility, Aventurine survives because someone loves him, and with that love he’s strong enough to brave even that. 

Even if they can’t admit it out loud, these two deeply, deeply care for one another and trust each other perhaps more than anyone else in the narrative. The betrayal plan would have never worked if there was not mutual trust, Ratio wouldn’t have gone to Penacony in the first place if he didn’t trust Aventurine, and Aventurine wouldn’t have asked him to come if he did not trust him. We don’t just see this trust between Aventurine and Ratio either, and Jade and Topaz both trust him with their cornerstones, but ultimately it’s Ratio who’s physically with him the whole time, risking his life alongside him for the sake of their plan. 

As much as people like to ignore it, lying to the Family members, to Sunday, is extremely dangerous and puts Ratio’s life in danger as much as it does Aventurine’s. Ratio is not an irrational person, he wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t have faith Aventurine would succeed, he would not have done if he didn’t think he would return. They have absolutely faith in one another and it’s beautiful. 

Aventurine’s first constellation is named “Prisoner’s Dilemma” for a reason. A social experiment in which two prisoners are captured and separated, if they sell the other one out and remain silent, they go free but the other remains in jail for 20 years. If they both sell each other out, they get a sentence of 5 years. 

But if they both remain silent, trust the other, they even if they physically can’t communicate and don’t know what the other says, they get the best possible outcome, only one year in jail each. It requires a sacrifice on both ends, they both still have to go to jail, but only for a year, and only if they trust each other completely, as if the other sells them out they will be in jail for 20.

The prisoners dilemma relies completely on trust, and it’s the exact situation Aventurine and Ratio face in the Penacony quests. Aventurines doubts if Ratio’s betrayal was real or not, even if he set it up himself, and Ratio worries about Aventurines survival, if continuing this plan will end well. “You can’t expect a featherless bird to take flight” isn’t just Ratio chastising Sunday, he’s genuinely worried that this plan will put Aventurine at too much of a disadvantage to continue on. 

But they both trust each other, and if just like in the Dilemma neither come out completely unscathed (although it’s much worse on Aventurine’s end), they ultimately achieve their goal. 

God is it sweet and corny in the best way possible 

I want to kill this fandoms perception of stoic, emotionless Ratio because once people realize he’s actually the corniest mf ever is the day I sleep easy. He makes statues of himself doing Jojo poses, he plays chess versus himself, he named himself Veritas (truth), he loves rubber duckies, he literally sits in a bathtub couch, and Aventurine breaths and he gets flustered.

Ratio so deeply silly, chronically corny, it’s a crime he needs to be locked up someone stop him. 

And Aven brings that out of him. His teasing reveals the goofball trying so desperately to disguise himself as a serious scholar. Ratio is very smart of course, but that only makes his silliness better, as you watch this absolute genius of a man behave like a tsundere schoolgirl. 

It’s not like Aventurine is some paragon of seriousness either, he’s the one teasing Ratio, fucking around even in a serious mission. Yeah it’s partly because he wants Sunday to think he’s incompetent, but it’s also because Aventurine genuinely is having fun, enjoying himself before the serious part of the plan kicks in, and the meantime he does that by messing with Ratio.

Their dynamic of Aventurine messing with Ratio, and Ratio trying desperately to pretend like it doesn’t affect him is as hilarious and heartwarming as it is tragic, and that dichotomy is why I love them so much. It’s fun and it hurts so so much because their interactions being this flavor of silly leaves almost no room for the sincerity they both desperately need from one another. 

AND GOD I NEED IT TO HAPPEN. RATIO MENTAL BREAKDOWN SCENE PLEAASEEE LET HIS WALLS CRUMBLE PLEEEEAASEE PLEASE PELADE PLEASEEEE EPLES DOLS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

They’ve gotten closer and closer and closer and soon something’s gonna snap because they are so close yet so distant and if something doesn’t change the tension is just gonna boil over AND I NEED IT TO HAPPEN. I need more Ratio scenes I need more interactions with him I need him with his guard down I need him to profess out loud that he cares about Aventurine I need him to break please he needs it, it would be so good for him. It doesn’t even have to be from Aventurine, just Ratio snapping and revealing the fucking mess he is under his facade and not being rejected by the people he cares about for it is enough.

I honestly doubt it will happen in the story though, as much as I want it to. Although Aventurine’s character demo somewhat changed my mind against this, I feel like hoyo is like “ok they get the vibe between these two we can move on” and the shippers are left to extrapolate how this relationship would go beyond what it is now. As much as I want a breakdown scene for Ratio in general, it probably wouldn’t happen in a while but devs if you are reading this PLEASEEEE. 

The only time Ratio ever gets slightly out of his element is with Aventurine but I need it to go further because god it would be interesting.

Well I’ve deemed that enough yapping about why I love Aventio (for now 😈) so let’s talk about why people hate the ship and why most of the reasons behind it a fucking stupid. (Massive disclaimer of course you can dislike it it’s just a lot of the “oh it’s a horrible ship and anyone who likes it sucks” shit isn’t grounded in reality in the slightest and I’m tired of the slander)

“Ratio was racist to Aventurine”

Now this is a spicy one because if this post was made in 2.0 I would 100% agree with you (during that time I shipped a non canon version of them in which that did not happen because how dare u do my boy like that hoyo). However 2.1 changed a lot and I mean a lot, and basically reframed the 2.0 quests for everyone.

Essentially, Ratio and Aventurine were both acting in that argument scene, making the things Ratio said to Aventurine not how he really sees him, and actively something Aventurine wanted him to say, so you cannot blame him for what he said. I’m not even joking or exaggerating, retrospectively it quite literally does not make sense if you view it in any other way, and honestly even with just the knowledge of 2.0 the scene doesn’t make sense if played straight, so let’s get to why.

a) Ratio and Racism do not mix fundamentally. Ratio is a person who believes that everyone deserves and education regardless of background, that it is a scholars duty to help others achieve that, and no matter who you are, you are capable of intelligence, learning and becoming the best version of yourself, and that those qualities are just limited to geniuses.

THIS AND RACISM DO NOT MIX. “Oh yeah education and improvement is possible for everyone except this specific group of people for some fucking reason!!” Like not only would this scene being serious contradict Ratios entire character, the man who believes people should not be judged for their educational background judging Aventurine for his educational background (that’s actually what the Sigonian upbringing line meant, it was mistranslated in the EN version)??!?!! Make it make sense.

Moreover, half this perception also come from the fact that hoyo made the incredible writing decision of naming Aventurines planet after a slur for Romani people, so unfortunately literally anytime its name, Sigonia, is brought up you’re essentially saying a slur. It’s much worse in the CN version, in EN it’s not obvious at all, because our version of the slur (it starts with a g and ends with a y that’s all the hints you’re getting), doesn’t look like the version of the slur that the name for Sigonia was derived from, which is partly the source of this misconception as I’m pretty certain most people assumed Ratio (and by extension Sparkle) said a slur elsewhere in the conversation when in reality them referring to Avens ethnicity/background/planet IS the slur.

Anyways terrible writing decisions aside, Ratio supposedly being racist doesn’t just contradict his core motivation, it contradicts his job. He’s a scholar, for fucks sake, and racism is inherently illogical. Mmm yes I’m gonna base my identity around finding truth for myself and I will believe government and social propaganda about specific groups of people! Very logical, very scholarly, we all clapped. 

So yeah, doesn’t make sense on a character level, to the point that in 2.0 I concluded that they must be using Ratio as a plot device in that scene to deliver some of Aven’s backstory to the audience due to how OOC it was for him 😭. However I wasn’t necessarily wrong, Ratio was delivering some of Aventurines backstory to AN audience (not just us), and he was behaving OOC in the 2.0 scene, but it was on purpose.

b) The betrayal plan 

Aventurine forms a plan in which him and Ratio pretend to betray one another in order to sneak the Aventurine cornerstone into the dreamscape by replacing it with the Topaz stone (red herring + black hole scene dialogue implies she and Jade are there for other reasons) and the Jade stone (perfect dupe). 

Now this betrayal hinges on Sunday, their main antagonist buying it, actually believing that Ratio would betray Aventurine on a mission as important as Penacony, and it requires Sunday also buying that he is winning the whole time, that the loss of the cornerstones was somehow a fumble on Aventurine’s end rather than something he planned all along. 

So, they stage the 2.0 conversation. Ratio yells at Aventurine for losing the cornerstones, something which was part of their plan the whole time. He then insults Aventurine’s background allowing Aventurine to reveal key details of his past that Sunday would not have learned otherwise, which he uses in the trial against Aventurine. Seriously, Aventurine only found out he was the last Avgin when he became a Stoneheart, do y’all think Sunday summoned that info with his mind or something during the trial (like do you guys genuinely think Sunday read his wiki or something)

Moreover, Ratio not only insults him, but portrays Aventurine as useless, disposable to the IPC because he is apparently already sentenced to death. Why does he do this? Well, so Sunday feels confident enough to do the same to Aventurine. Seriously, sentencing an IPC member, especially a high ranking one to death is a risky move, even for someone as convicted as Sunday, he would need the confidence to do so and learning Aven might already die would give him that ability. 

Because well, it doesn’t matter that much if he’s already going to get disposed of in the near future. I also think the IPC plans to use Aventurine’s “death” as leverage against the family because they were pleased to hear of his death sentence according to Dr. Ratio, meaning a) he likely did not have one from them at the time, although in the past he was sentenced to death and b) even if Aventurine succeeded in getting the cornerstone his seeming loss in the rest of the conversation wasn’t actually a loss at all, getting sentenced to death/“dying” at the very least was part of the plan all along as the IPC could still use it as leverage if things went south.

Continually, Ratio treating Aventurine in the exact same sh1tty way the rest of the galaxy does perfectly slots him into the arrogant, uncaring scholar role, which Sunday knows are some of the most easily manipulated people in the galaxy, considering he tries to bribe Ratio with knowledge about Stellarons it seems he bought this idea hook line and sinker. Sunday isn’t even subtle about it either “I heard you and your companion haven’t been getting along lately” where did he hear that from? Ratio didn’t tell him, and even though we know Sunday was 100% watching the two of them on their little adventure pre-meeting him (the bird and hound statues) that scene hasn’t happened yet so where did he get that from?

Some other interesting proof for it is that the Final Victor lightcone likely depicts Aventurine trying to convince Ratio of this plan of his, the events of which must occur  pre-Penacony for several reasons, the least of which being that we just never see it happen on Penacony which if you think it did we would see it. Moreover lightcones are canonically condensed memories and the Final Victor lightcone released in 2.0, meaning it’s the memory of something that happened before then. 

All signs point to the 2.0 scene, the one people use to paint Aventio as toxic being staged. And I have so much more evidence for this, (Ratio would never agree to go without a plan, Aven clearly formed his pre-Penaocny, so much of the plan like Ratio opening the cornerstone box, which he can’t do up until the betrayal as it’s in Sundays possession, rely on him arriving knowing how to do so, the time discrepancies, the complete 180 in personality Ratio would have to do to go from distrusting Aventurine to putting his whole faith in him, etc), but I will reupload one of my old slideshows to elaborate more on it. Basically the one thing that people use to say it’s toxic is not true and is in fact a greater show of the trust between those two. 

“The shippers are all weird and racist” 

Now this one actually has some truth to it because yes there are some incredibly fucking weird Aventio shippers and I do not blame yall for disliking them.

HOWEVER, most Aventio shippers are normal and hate that shit just as much as you guys do. Like do you realize most shippers also really like these characters and have something insane called morals so they don’t automatically excuse racist fujoshi goobers just because they are making content for their favorite ship. Trust me someone doing that pisses me (and most other Aventio shippers) off significantly more than people who hate the ship. Also free Ratio from this shit man poor guy is getting mischaracterized as a slaveowner by his fans and haters 😭

And like guys, have you ever been in a fandom before, like ever? Weirdos are always gonna be weird and it’s not Aventio’s fault they are this months victims. For a fun little example of how gross other fanbases can be, one of the most popular Overwatch ships on ao3 is Genji Shimada X Hanzo Shimada WHO ARE BLOOD RELATED BROTHERS. THERES LIKE 300+ FICS OF IT, SHIMADACEST IS LITERALLY A TAG ON THERE. I WAS IN THE TRENCHES SEARCHING FOR GENJI HANZO ANGST FICS (Hanzo killed Genji it’s complicated doomed siblings will always get me) AND HAVING TO COMB THROUGH THOSE ABOMINATIONS IN THE PROCESS.

Like please I’m relatively new to fandom culture but yall cannot be acting like this is weird for fans to do, it’s weirdo behavior but it is not unique to the HSR fandom or even Aventio. And even if understandably this makes you not like the ship, don’t paint the people who enjoy it as being the people who do this kinda sh1t. It’s not our fault peak gets tainted by miserable creatures ok, let normal ppl have their harmless fun and stop lumping people together into a monolith. 

?????

Well that’s it that’s all the “valid” reasons people have for hating Aventio, at least the ones I can remember. Everything else is just personal opinion and not at all an objective reason.

“They’re so sibling coded!”

Anyways again obviously you can still dislike it not everything is for everyone, I really just wanted to make this post to demonstrate why I and many others like it, and why the reasons people use to say it’s problematic are incorrect. Feel free to call it mid, block it whatever I don’t care, just don’t harass shippers for having some harmless fun, because the characters aren’t real but the people who like them are and in doing so you are really just being a jerk for no reason. If you somehow hate Aventio and read this the whole way through I congratulate you on your ability to actually listen to other people, and regardless of whether you changed your mind or not I respect you for doing so anyways. Thanks for reading and I would love to hear your thoughts. 

[severinewrites]

Finding Independence Without Love

Musings of independence with the absence of love feat. Moominvalley

Dependency is common in some relationships and could happen in both platonic and romantic relationships. We see our partners/friends as a source of happiness every time we feel down. Our clinginess strengthens when we have a special person in our lives, thinking of them as a person without flaws or perfect. This can be an unhealthy way of how we act or think in our relationships with other people, we can’t expect they’ll satisfy our needs immediately, it’s like you are viewing them as the top of our pedestal, admiring them a lot.

I am saying this from my perspective as a young adult, I’ve experienced the first time feeling disappointed in my ex-crush when I hear he likes someone else. It hurts a lot to hear from the person you’ve admired for so long like someone other than you, I mean, it’s a universal experience, right? Getting disappointed or rejected, you start to get mad at yourself like hitting, pulling your hair, or even slapping yourself for not getting chosen, you feel like an idiot for being delusional thinking you’re the “one” for them. It’s a tragic feeling, I know—but I tried to forget about them, not as a friend but as a “crush”.

During my Christmas break, I struggled to cope with my feelings, so I doomscrolled YouTube for 10-12 hours for 3 days straight without reaching out to someone because I needed to isolate myself from what happened, trying to forget it ever happened. Then, I stumbled upon a show called “Moominvalley” on my for you page, I decided to watch the clips, and guess what? I fell in love with it quickly even though it’s been 3 days since I knew about this show. Moominvalley is a comforting show, and what intrigued me about the show is the character Snufkin, an easygoing and carefree enjoys thinking about things and always comes and goes as he pleases, going on adventures. Like Snufkin, I enjoy solo trips, I'm not a big fan of trips with my friends (depends on my mood but I prefer solo to groups) since I do treasure my alone time a lot, able to think about stuff or explore everywhere without any people around trying to drain my energy emotionally and physically. With my solo trips, I'm able to reflect on many stuff without any distractions. Just because I enjoy being alone doesn't mean I don't feel lonely… I have friends who care about me a lot—including my ex-crush but despite them being overall supportive and approachable, I can't help but try to push them away from me—isolating myself, especially what happened between my ex-crush and me, I can't face them anymore something that leads me to isolate myself from them and my friends, not wanting help or comfort from them anymore. I shut myself from them, I don't want to make things complicated. Snufkin really relates toMoninn on a deeper level, making him my kin since he does push away friends, has abandonment issues, fears getting attached, is sad on the inside, and struggles to talk/chat with someone.

Through the show Moominvalley, I’ve learned the hard way that even the people you deeply love and admire, you need to accept that you can’t control how they feel or act, because well… they are humans, right? They deserve to feel or act what they want, even having feelings for somebody they like, even if it’s not you. It’s sad because that person made you feel alive or wanted, through the physical touch, words of affirmation, and more—makes me so special to them. Maybe that’s the reason why I fell in love with them in the first place. This also relates to the relationship between Moominttoll and Snufkin, Moominroll being clingy and a bit obsessed to Snufkin makes him admire him because of his adventures but unlike Snufkin, he tries to avoid any attachment to Moomintroll, resulting him to leave everytime to get some alone time or to isolate himself in his adventures. Moomintroll is also one of the characters I've kinned too, him being so clingy towards Snufkin reminds how I acted towards my ex-crush but not as obsessive, just right. Moomintroll has longings for Snufkin, always wanting to be in his side everytime, like how I've wanted to be in my ex-crush's side whenever I have a chance too—but sadly they found someone they always want to be close with… I'm glad for them but I tend to feel lonely without them around, yearning for some message or conversation from them—nothing is the same anymore as before… but that's life, there will be changes, whether you like it or not.

Therefore, I still need time for myself and watch more Moominvalley to find my purpose in life outside heartbreaks. Even I would love to talk/chat with them, it’s time to use this vacation to take a break from them for a while, giving myself time to grow as an independent person—not needing their comfort or help and focusing on my passion for writing, like what I am doing right now. Sometimes, we need to depend on ourselves, without needing anyone to fix us. That's what I did to cope.

To end this, I would like to add a quote from Moominvalley from the character Snufkin, he once said:

“You can't ever be really free if you admire somebody too much.” - Snufkin (Moominvalley 2019)

This quote explains we can't really be free if we admire that special person too much, draining your energy mentally and emotionally. I wish I've heard this show during my childhood then I wouldn't have to deal with heartbreaks all of the sudden. But I guess things happen for a reason. Moominvalley is truly a masterpiece, especially the creator itself Tove Jansson, the one responsible for making this beautifully crafted show for us to love and enjoy, making us learn meaningful lessons.

We humans seek longing, wanting be loved by that person we admired but I know we're better than that—I’m better than that anyways! We know that those people we love are humans too, so why waste our time waiting for approval from them? We could try to look after ourselves and be a independent with or without them—needing no love from them at all! Love can wait but not with hopes and dreams, our passions in life are much more important than some hopeless romance. We don't need that person we deeply admire to take over our lives, we should move forward and never look back! It's such a shame not to take a chance to do what you're passionate about when we only live once.

With Moominvalley, It's possible for us to grow to independent individuals thriving to make the world a better place! With my strong love for writing, I could write freely, writing down my musings, feelings, and emotions. I’m grateful to be alive where the world is filled with endless possibilities, where you can be free from everything! Be who you want to be, explore everything until you find your purpose—that’s the beauty of independence without love!

“It is simply this: do not tire, never lose interest, never grow indifferent—lose your invaluable curiosity and you let yourself die. It's as simple as that.” - Tove Jansson (Fair Play 1989)

[lara4eclipze]

» darling

sypnosis -» a year in the relationship you and megan reminisce how it all started

beware -» fluff , teasing , confessing , established relationship

talks -» here comes emo elcipze , I'm so happy I didn't realize we alr hit 160 follows! it's soo crazy anyways here's a request I have been working on for a while

taglist (open) : @nyssalvr @ohmyhaely @vrtualstar @jellaaa @c-yerim @nakylvr @chuugetmesohigh

"still can't get over how you confessed by the way" you giggle to megan as you both took a bite out of your food , you remember it as bright as day — and the story goes something like

ᯓ ᡣ𐭩

december, 3 ,2023

class has just ended and you were going to your locker to get your books and possibly stall for a bit — you open the locker and surprisingly there was a sweater in it , maybe someone mistaken your locker for theirs?

a note was on top of it , written on a rather messy handwriting some words misspelled and ink smudged in almost every end of the word

"you can keep this I know it luoks better on you anyways — can we maybe meet up after skl? i wanna tell you smth! yes [ ] also yes [ ]"

you chuckle already knowing who it was — megan , the girl has been stalking you for a while not in a creepy weird way but in a way that it made it seem like she was deeply in love with you

and admittedly? you were surprised to even know she liked you , you had liked her for a long time but it always seemed like she was just not vibing with you

either her avoiding you in class or maybe her not accepting your friend requests on various social media platforms

ring! ring!

the school bell rings and it signals the start of your physics class , with a sigh you wear the sweater and close your locker heading towards the said class

"nice sweater" yoonchae,your seatmate compliments , "first time you don't look like a granny when wearing one" yoonchae teases

"and here I thought you were starting to become nice" you say in faux disappointment to which the younger laughs even louder too

ᯓ ᡣ𐭩

now standing outside the school almost shivering if it weren't for the sweater you got earlier , you wait patiently for her to appear and tell you what she wanted to tell you

"hi" you hear a familiar voice say , and low and behold megan—standing clad in a matching sweater just in a different color

"you look adorable" you replied , she pulls out from behind her a bouquet of flowers and a teddy , you gasp in amazement

"for you" she says with a grin her whisker dimples showing , gosh she was so cute

"thank you! — I really love this sweater by the way" you replied as she handed the gifts

"yeah I bought it back home — I've been meaning to tell you this but I hope that if you don't feel the same that you won't avoid me or find me weird?" the younger mutters almost too fast for you to comprehend but you heard it all

"I like you"

megan closes her eyes almost as if waiting for you to reject her , yet instead of that you wrapped your arms around her body providing warmth and comfort

"megan I like you too , for a long time now actually" you said as she nuzzles deeper into your neck

"really? , so are you like my girlfriend now?" megan asks sheepishly her voice turning into a kidlike one

"I guess you can say that" you replied

ᯓ ᡣ𐭩

"oh my god don't even remind me! I was like a loser" megan huffs , after so stuffing her mouth with a bite of pizza

"well at least you're my loser" you replied pressing light kiss to the gingers cheeks

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

What do you think about Sabrina? Are you like her, dislike her or neutral?

I don't have strong feelings about Sabrina beyond a general distaste for her "redemption." Sabrina was played as way too much of a willing bully for me to absolve her of her past actions without some serious apologizing on her part. Just look at these matching smirks from the Derision flashback!

[Image Description: Chloe and Sabrina smirking evilly while plotting to hurt Marinette]

That was the episode that blamed Chloe for all of Marinette's problems while showing Sabrina doing all the actual dirty work, which is very much a running theme in this show. Most of the things that Chloe gets blamed for should see at least part of the blame going to Sabrina, too, but that's not what we get in canon. Sabrina spends multiple seasons helping Chloe torment people only to be welcomed on to team Miraculous before she even reaches her "redemption" moment (see: Penalteam). Now that Sabrina has done her one good dead, she's redeemed and is a permanent holder as a reward for that single good act, I guess?

The whole thing makes me deeply uncomfortable when I compare it to the way that the show handled Chloe. I only bring that up because, when it comes to Sabrina, I can't avoid thinking or talking about the Chloe thing because you never see Sabrina without Chloe! They're a matching set! They even have similar base stories with Chloe's parents influencing her behavior via their abuse and encouragement just like Chloe influenced Sabrina (which could have been a great discussion about abuse leading to abuse if this element of their writing had been even remotely intentional). Redeeming one and not the other invites you to make the comparison and it's unfortunately a comparison that's deeply lacking on multiple fronts.

If Chloè didn't earn a redemption - and I really don't think that she did, her redemption never truly stated - then neither did Sabrina. A sob story doesn't undo the harm that you've caused. A redemption doesn't even undo the harm! You can fully "redeem" yourself and still be rejected by those you hurt because your victims don't owe you a relationship. (Side note, this is where Chloe and Sabrina fall for me. In the early seasons, you could redeem them onto the team. Now? The writers took these two way too far to the point where they feel like totally different characters and even break early canon episodes because Marinette's treatment of them doesn't match who they supposedly always were.)

If they really wanted to redeem Sabrina, then they needed to highlight what makes her story different from Chloe's. As is, it feels massively hypocritical to welcome Sabrina onto the team after all that she's done to cause harm and after how little she's done to right that harm. At best, canon Sabrina should have just gone off to a new school to get a fresh start without Chloe. At worst, she should have become someone else's minion. Either way, she should not be treated as one of the "good guys."

Outside of that mess, Sabrina is just your standard minion character who gets minimal development, so it's hard for me to have a strong opinion on her. I think she's used well in the first few seasons, but she's still one of the characters that I'd cut or at least cut back on if I had my way with canon simply because she's not really necessary for the show to work and the cast needs to be cut down significantly. It's not that I hate her or anything like that. I just don't see why Chloe needed a minion or what Sabrina adds that another character can't.

For example, you could give Sabrina a solid character arc around developing healthy friendships and letting go of Chloe's influence, but why give that to her when you could give it to Mr. I've-never-really-had-friends-before-and-I-really-should-have-a-character-arc-around-that who also happens to have grown up with Chloe as his only friend? (That's Adrien by the way. Why go with Sabrina when you've got him unless you're using Sabrina to contrast Adrien in some way?)

[nthspecialll]

Going to ramble a little bit here and I’m curious to hear your thoughts. Bill is one of my favourite characters in rdr2, which is a statement people often validly criticise because of Bill’s racism, aggression, general bigotry, and of course the monster he grows into in rdr1. But to me Bill is such a heartbreaking character because I truly believe he could have been so easily swayed down a better path if someone had have just tried to help him.

Bill was a very insecure and repressed man and throughout the entirety of the second game he is constantly seeking appraisal from the gang, you see it in the random camp interaction where he makes a show of bringing fish to Pearson, desperate for any kind of acknowledgment for his hard work and he only gets a small thank you from Pearson and Arthur in return. You see it in the sentiment that Bill repeats a few times when talking about his jealousy of Arthur, how he feels like he’s not allowed to make the same mistakes Arthur would be given a slap on the wrist for. You see it when he asks Kieran to have drink with him and then becomes upset and defensive when his genuine vulnerable attempt at connection is rejected.

A lot of people can’t see past Bill’s racism, which is fair, but I also see it as another really tragic and realistic part of his character. In his racist interactions with Charles, Lenny and Javier I think he’s acting out for attention because he doesn’t know any other way to get it and I don’t believe he actually holds real hatred for any of them because of their race, I think Bill deeply loves and respects them as his brothers despite his mistreatment of them. I see this as different to someone like Micah who is just genuinely hateful in his black little heart. Bill was taken into the army as a young man and spoon fed racist rhetoric by the people he respected and looked up to, his superiors, his brothers in arms. They’d share boogeyman stories about how bloodthirsty the natives were and fill his impressionable mind hatred, and then he had all those racist horror stories reaffirmed when they’d send him out to watch the men he considered brothers be slaughtered in battle by said boogeymen. I think it’s clear Bill has PTSD from his army days which warps the way he sees the world around him, I think Dutch (despite the can of worms that is his own racism) says it best when he says “I don’t doubt you saw things Bill but your tiny little mind was too small to comprehend what you saw. What you saw was people who lost everything to savagery.” I believe that Dutch especially, considering the idol he is to Bill, had the opportunity to educate him and help him be a kinder man and yet he chose not to despite his Evelyn Miller fuelled white-saviour-complex. Bill’s trauma obviously doesn’t excuse any of his actions, but I think it is evidence that he had the capacity to learn and be helped if someone had just believed in his intelligence enough to try.

Also lastly a big part of Bill’s insecurity can be attributed to his repressed sexuality, people talk about it a lot so I won’t say much but the part of it that hurts me the most is that Bill lost EVERYTHING for being gay. When he was discharged from the army he lost his job, his home, his food, his friends and his dignity. He was left homeless on the streets, turning to alcohol and becoming the man his father was, and robbing people just to get by. Dutch saved him and became his messiah, he gave him purpose again and then intentionally left him uneducated and pining for his approval to use him as a tool the same way the army did. Taking advantage of all the good parts of Bill Williamson and leaving them to rot and fester under the filth.

What are your thoughts on how Bill was treated and what could have changed for him had he been treated differently? RIP Bill Williamson I could have taken better care of you <3

Well you touched on a lot of subjects that I have already touched on in my other Bill posts, so I guess I won't need to go into background details LMFAO.

Bill was treated like a fool by everyone for every small mistake he has every made no matter how small it is, because most are small, and he is also blamed for things that aren't really his fault, like Sean's death. He is pretty much that one person you use as the butt of a joke, and a lot of characters don't really give him a fair chance.

John actually seems to be his best friend though, they are both kind of labeled as lazy, they are both drunks and they both know it is a problem. The issue is that John is given a lot more freedoms than Bill is and that leads to him becoming very jealous very easily, John to some extent seems to notice it but it doesn't seem to bother him.

Bill really seems to like Lenny, taking him out to drink and out to rob and calling him his son, however Lenny doesn't really seem to be that enthusiastic. It seems that Lenny goes with Bill when Bill asks, but he doesn't seem to be the one to take initiative to do something with him.

Now Hosea, he is absolutely not giving Bill a fair chance, he is going after him constantly and literally setting Bill up for failure. Hosea really seems to be using his senority against Bill and being a dick to him. Micah does the same, except he seems to hide it a little better because he feels they are on the same side.

Dutch is treating Bill like he is a child and a fool, even thoguh everything Bill does it to please Dutch.

As for what could have changed, I think a lot, like a lot. Steve said that if just someone had told Bill "hey we appriciate you" he would have sided with Arthur, and that is a massive thing because it means betraying Dutch whom he is otherwise so loyal to. So I think you can change pretty much anything about Bill if you just treat him nicely, it might take some time and a few reminders, but yeah his racism, his sour comments, his drinking could likely be changed if just effort was put into it, if someone encouraged him and stood by him.

[mynqzo]

my insane batshit gritty semi-realistic sapphic reimagining of barbie and the three musketeers

okay so many people were confused on if that last drawing of mine was just an oc named barbie or whatever but im here to tell you no! its my insane reimagining of the corinne in the movie barbie and the three musketeers, but sapphic and insane. so today I’m going to dump on you my insane reimagining of barbie and the three musketeers in a semi realistic gritty setting where they’re all sapphic and when they become musketeers they instead work to overthrow the monarchy. this is not a joke I've been thinking about this for months. like i will take alexandre dumas legacy and make it so gay and barbie.

okay so first things I thought of were weapons and such and what they could be replaced with in this setting cause most of the characters have things like ribbons and fans as weapons (and while that's so slay and I love that/never want that to change in the movie, I wanna make it semi-realistic in this gritty reimagining). so corinne’s weapon in the movie is a rapier so we’re keeping that. viveca has those two long ribbons (I’m sure they have a name but I forgot them sobs) and I think in my head she would have a two whips instead, whip dual wielder ohooo. renée has a slingshot (honestly so lame of the movie to give her that) and in my head she has a musket or pistol. aramina has two fans and I think replacing those with daggers would be really swag. and just to be clear all the characters in this version are aged up to be in their late twenties to early thirties.

for corinne, the story will follow the traditional ‘the three musketeers’ storyline but instead corinne is actively held back by her mother from going to paris and becoming a musketeer because her mother believes she’ll fall into the same fate as her father did and die. so she instead sneaks out because she feels like if she became a successful musketeer she could establish a comfortable life for her mother. in my head she's kind of like a cocky playboy kinda character where she's a little full of herself but has a lot of drive to find out what happened to her father and how he came to pass but also to succeed so she can take care of her mother better. like she's essentially the person who would ask you to fence shirtless because she wants to prove that she doesn't need armour.

for aramina I feel like her concept of a hopeless romantic can be made more complex if added with religious calling like for aramis in the original three musketeers. like she has a deeply religious upbringing but she cant stop falling in love with people and getting into trouble about it and it especially shows when she meets corinne and the others and; you guessed it, falls in love with them too. a nice mix of guilt and romance. she could have been a faithful follower of the church and been a nun but fell in love with one of the nuns and was caught and therefore shunned and punished, but she kept doing it again and again and her behavior became too obnoxious for the church to allow so they kicked her out, and she’s still plagued by this guilt while also wanting to follow her heart. she essentially ended up as a maid because her church rejected her and her family refused to take her back in on account of her sinning (rip) so she's essentially trying to find purpose in life while also overcoming this insane guilt she's carrying with her for her own desires.

renée’s story in my head follows that of a noble who then became a street musician and eventual musketeer. in the original musketeer story, athos was married to milady de winter [who was the villain] and attempted to kill her after discovering she was a criminal and then he became a drunkard about it because it made him so sad. for renée, she could have been married to a wealthy man that her family arranged her to marry but he was like, a bad guy and wasn’t really nice to her etc and also was a criminal on the run, so she tried to kill him because she was sick of his shit but her kill attempt ended up with her being fought off by him and excommunicated by her and his family (because they dont know he’s a criminal) so she ended up as a street musician and that lead to her being a maid in the palace and you know the drill.

viveca, the same as was in the movie and book as porthos, loves fashion and clothing and is always dressed super dapper and i feel like this could easily make her be a seamstress in the palace who directly works with the royal family when it comes to making them garments (alongside being a maid). she would know the internal workings of the royal family and be the person who could spy on the politics of everything the easiest out of everyone. i feel like she can put up a facade very well with the royal family where she can act like she’s totally into what theyr doing and not totally planning to go against them at any point like at all.

essentially they work for the palace as maids, one way or another, and do all the shenanigans of protecting the prince from getting assassinated by snooping around and whatnot only for them to turn around and be the people who go out of their way to assassinate the prince because they quickly realize that he’s kind of a shit head. they essentially side with the group of people planning the assassination which leads them into meeting a group of rebels and people who protest the royal family. there’s this journey to realize that the true villain of the story is renée ex husband she tried to super kill who became an advisor to the prince and king after the assassination attempt (and the old advisor was kicked to the curb). so the ex-husband is now doing evil whispery advisor nonsense where he’s trying to convince the prince that the musketeers all are actually planning his assassination (even if its true like how dare you sir ex-husband) and that he should execute them publicly and then provided a bunch of false evidence to ‘prove’ (like its True they do wanna take down the prince but like yknow). and its like a whole thing. during this all they all fall in love and form a sapphic polycule and its complicated and nasty and oof.

thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[archer3-13]

oh wow a fire emblem post after a lot of not posting about fire emblem. its been slow and i dont care too much about heroes, sue me.

i've come to the conclusion that people get too hung up on the idea of whether felix was right or wrong about dimitri when it comes to discussions on their character dynamics [it all tends to be very felix focused anyways]. I would say that at the end of the day, the story needs felix to be wrong in order to work as it does and theres no getting around that.

as a result however, dimitris side of that dynamic often gets overlooked i think and its a shame, cause i would say its the most important factor in how that dynamic works. cause well felix hurls all manner of verbal abuse at him, dimitri never disabuses felix of those notions even when he's trying his hardest to pretend everything is fine. he just takes the abuse, and i would argue thats far more important to the dynamic and speaks a lot more to dimitris core characteristics.

what dimitri is, is sad, traumatized, and possessed of an intense self loathing that blends together into a self destructive cocktail. its not just that the dead are haunting him, its that the dead are haunting him by calling him a pussy ass bitch in the most violent way possible, all the while everything falls apart around him. and his response to this is to try and repress that sorrow and trauma as deep as he possibly can, because he has too much to do, not enough time, and everyones counting on him.

what dimitri isn't, is possessed of a hidden darkness that can only be expressed in violent rage and general monsterousness/assholery. certainly he can express those things, but they're always symptoms of whats happening around him and in the story. the inevitable reaction of all that misery hes so deeply repressed exploding in violent reaction to the cruelty of the world around him. And it is importantly cruelty and injustice that he's reacting to, remire village, the holy tomb, the entire god damn war phase etc. its why dimitris story is always importantly intertwined with the idea of having others to support you and your burdens.

anyways, guess what end of the stick felix latches onto during the academy phase!!

its grimly funny in a way, but what felix is essentially playing with dimitri is purity politics. people often overlook that canonically he was a very sweet and gentle child before the tragedy, and that his aloof prickly i studied the blade demenour is just a crude imitation of glenns personality [but yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that hes dealing with glenns death better then rodrigue]. and he practically grew up alongside dimitri, who he only ever knew as a kind and gentle boy as well. then the tragedy happens and uproots everything in his life, so he tries to find that stability again by going with dimitri in their first battle.

and that's where he sees that violent reaction dimitri sorrow can elect. and like a true gamer, felix rejects the idea that his [pure, sweet, gentle] dimitri could ever do or be like that. it must be a monster in a humans skin, a boar prince.

and like the tsundere idiot he is, felix takes it as his own duty [consciously or not] to act as the jailkeeper for that wild animal that's taken his friends place. possibly its executioner even. because felix is too caught up in his own grief to see beyond that rage, a rage he rejects the "true" dimitri of being capable of.

and, wadda ya know. dimitri being caught in a violent spiral of self hatred and anger at the injustices of the world, does nothing to disabuse felix of these notions. because he feels like he deserves to be abused by felix, and also because its easier to brush things off that way and pretend everything is normal.

and i find that a lot more interesting to view the relation between the two in and how it develops over the games story.

[angy-grrr]

guys. guys. guys please.

ochako didnt say she's jealous over himiko confessing freely to deku with a cute smile or over her expressing romantic love, she's jealous of the smile she makes when she says she likes someone/is expressing her love.

Ochako is all about smiles like Himiko is all about blood, and in their arc is clear how envy, jealousy, social expectations/keeping peace and love get mixed up quite easily.

People don't want to hear it, but this wasn't about focusing on love confessions. Is the particular face Himiko does when loving someone and expressing it! If you read it, its clear the confession part is contextual -she doesnt love all Himiko's smiles, she disliked the one she gave her when Ochako "rejected" her.

The more I think about them, the more I see them as pure love; they love... life in general. They both love things that arent conventionally how they are supposed to love -ochako loves everyone's smiles, while himiko loves everyone's blood; they find these things beautiful and mean everything is okay.

Someone's blood can mean many things, but flowing blood is all about being alive, its a good thing! Himiko since she was a child doesnt search for taking all the blood, but getting some of it as she admires it so so much. She gets sad over the dead bird and tries to help it, thats her intention all along, like Ochako tries to help others always.

This is why these scenes are important, Ochako is expressing her own admiration and form of love towards Himiko -you dont have to see as romantic, I think she loves life itself a lot and cares deeply about everyone's well being.

The point isnt about focusing on Himiko telling Deku in particular anything, but about how Himiko's expression of love is lovely. She has always been told shes creepy and shouldn't smile, and Ochako, a person who loves smiles, wants to make her smile too, while also feeling jealous of her beauty.

Ochako is expressing her negative emotions to Himiko, and opening up completely about herself and her own selfishness -this whole fight is her being selfish and not heroic, which is what she tells Deku in the epilogue while crying and regretting not getting to save her life.

They both end up opening up about deeply buried insecurities and fears, things not even their closest friends know about.

People forget how Ochako many, many times, fake smiles in order to make others feel better -I think her real smile is much softer, less big-, of course she's going to feel jealous over Himiko's smile when she embodies exactly what she is: love.

Later on, Ochako admits she knows she wont replace the league, but she thought she needed to tell her about her beautiful smile -again, this wasn't about feeling jealous over her being able to confess to Deku, but about her smile.

Im tired of people trying to make this about Deku, changing the contexts and the literal text to push a hetero reading; im so tired of them, its dumb bc this is just fictional characters, but they make me feel like at any moment, they could just be right. Because its hetero, ofc at any moment it could happen, its the safest option and the one dudebros want. It just makes me think about... so many things.

How sapphic relationship are never seen as real, how they could always just be really close friends or be casually friendly like this

How there always has to be some guy in the middle of everything, without the possibility of them growing away from the simplistic beginning; they both like the same boy, and thats what connects them at first. Ochako wants to know who is she, what are her feelings, tell her her smile is lovely. But still, ppl will make this about Izuku, and her "wanting" to confess with a lovely smile, I guess.

How queer shippers never can feel secure in their opinions, bathes could never be about them. Go back to your queer genres, you could never belong here.

[lionlena]

You need a better place (Joelxreader)

So I got a request from @rm4sblog

Could you write something about Joel loving a girl with epilepsy, taking care of her, helping her, comforting her, and dealing with the memory loss and other side effects of seizures?

I agreed because the topic of epilepsy is not completely foreign to me. My cat suffers from epilepsy and unfortunately, I have seen his seizures. Of course, it's not the same as human epilepsy, but there are some similarities. Even the medications are so similar that my cat can take human medications.

I hope you will like it.

Warnings: chronic illness, epilepsy, epileptic seizure, anxiety, mention of death risk, hurt/comfort, little angst, little smut (bc you wanted, I guess)

Having epilepsy would suck in the ordinary world. In a pandemic world, that was fucking bad. It was hard to predict when you'd have an attack. Sometimes all it took was someone to shine a flashlight in your eyes. Other times, a stressful situation was enough.

So... As if everything was stressful during the pandemic. And you had a hard time finding a job. Your options were really limited. Even if you were a great shooter, this encounter with the clicker would probably end in your defeat. You would have an epilepsy attack and no weapon would help you.

Of course, there were drugs that helped you. They reduced the frequency and length of attacks, but they weren't easy to get. You'd never get them yourself. You probably would have died long ago if it wasn't Joel who help you.

Ever since you met this surly, rough, soft-hearted guy, your life has changed for the better. Sometimes you didn't know what made Joel Miller love you so much. How did you deserve such a man? He was tough and brutal on the outside with other people, but in the privacy of your apartment, he treated you like a princess. And he hated it when you said you were "broken." Then he would immediately silence you with a kiss, cup your cheeks and look at you with those brown eyes: "Shhh, sweetheart. You're perfect. If any one of us is broken, it's me and only me."

Nothing in the world would make him leave you. Though sometimes you would that he to leave you.

You loved him like no one else in the world, but when you saw how he risked it to get you medicine, your heart broke. Every time you wiped the blood from his face, when you massaged his tense back when you waited for him to come home, when he left the quarantine zone.

Sometimes you've wondered if, for his sake, you shouldn't rejected him. Tell him he's too old for you, that you don't love him. You would hurt him for his own good.

But the selfish part of you couldn't do that. Because you've never been as happy with anyone as you have been with Joel. There were good days, weeks, and even months when you didn't have a seizure.

And there were days when Joel would throw you on the bed and cover your naked body with kisses. And you let him whisper in your ear all the dirty things he could think of. You screamed his name as his head was between your legs and his tongue worked wonders on your clit.

You tugged at his hair and kissed him deeply, letting him know that he was the sexiest man in the whole fucked up world. You praised his cock and laughed at the soft pink that covered his cheeks. Your man was so insecure at times, and you always made sure he knew how wonderful he was.

Maybe that's why he loved you?                                                         

But why did he also love you during the attacks? That was definitely the shitty part of your relationship. There was absolutely nothing romantic about the attacks. It was awful and embarrassing. And yet, Joel always made sure he gave you as much comfort and love as possible after the attack.

So it was also this time.

You had such a good day. Somehow Joel managed to get some chocolate and you decided to make chocolate chip cookies. The whole apartment smelled wonderful, soft music played on the radio. Joel was sitting on the couch impatiently waiting for his sweets. And then it happened.

You just felt your whole body tense up. Anxiety gripped you. You started to be afraid, even though there was no reason to be afraid. A slight numbness in the hand was the final signal. You only managed to moan, "Jo..."

You couldn't remember the rest.

*

Joel jumped off the couch but didn't catch you in time. Your limp body hit the floor with a thud. You had convulsions that shook your body. Joel knelt behind your head, holding it gently. Just so you don't hit yourself too hard. He made sure you didn't choke on your tongue during the attack and spoke to you calmly, "It'll pass soon, baby. I'm here. I won't leave you. Everything will be fine." He knew you couldn't hear him. You once explained to him that you were simply not there during the attack. You felt no pain and heard nothing. Yet he always spoke to you. Maybe because it calmed him down.

After about two minutes, your seizure subsided and Joel couldn't be happier.

*

The first thing you saw was warm brown eyes. You blinked your eyes and looked around. You didn't remember anything and wanted to cry, but then you felt his warm hand on your cheek and heard his soothing voice.

"Y/N, it's me, Joel. Everything's fine now. You're home, you had a seizure."

He gave you a moment to process his words, then asked:

"Can I lift you up?"

You nodded and he carefully took you in his arms and carried you to the bed. He sat you down, making sure you had the right amount of pillows behind your back. He stroked your leg and whispered, "I'll bring you water. I'll be right back."

You slowly came back to yourself. When Joel came back to you, you smiled weakly at him. You were still dazed, but you also wanted to calm him down. No matter how many times Joel told you he was fine. You saw that every attack reflected on him as well.

"Thank you," you whispered as he brought the glass to your lips. "For all."

Joel shook his head and kissed your forehead.

"I always will care for you. You are my love"

You opened your mouth to say something but chose not to. There was no point in explaining to him again that he had no obligation to help you. Joel wouldn't agree with that anyway.

You sat in silence for a few more minutes before Joel said,

"You should take your meds."

You tensed up and grabbed his hand.

"I'll take them later. Sit with me."

Joel rolled his eyes and pecked your nose: "I'll be right back and lay down next to you."

And you already knew you were in trouble. When Joel came back, he had this look on his face that made it clear he wasn't happy. He crossed his arms over his chest and asked.

"Y/N, why are there still so many pills? Last time I checked there were about the same amount of pills." Seeing how sad he made you, he sat next to you and grabbed your hands. "Honey?" His tone of voice was soft again.

You bit your lip and groaned.

"I wanted to save them for later so you don't have to go so fast to get another."

Joel sighed heavily and shook his head.

"But why?"

You could see that he was angry with you, but he tried to hide it.

"Because after the last time, you came back covered in bruises. One day, because of me, you're going to die, Joel!"

Tears started streaming down your face and he pulled you against his strong chest. One of his large hands cupped the back of your head. He kissed your temple and started rocking you gently.

"Shh, it's okay. Calm down. Don't get upset honey. I know you're worried about me, but I'm more worried about you." You felt him squeeze your body tighter, his voice a barely audible whisper. "What if one of the attacks ends in your death? You know it can be. I can't take your loss. I can't go on living without you."

You sighed heavily and started rubbing his back.

"I'm sorry, Joel, but... Sometimes it's so hard for me to accept that you sacrifice so much for me."

Joel pulled back slightly and cupped your face in his large hands.

"Hey, what if I told you I have a plan." You gave him a surprised look. "I'm looking for a better place for us. A place where life is calmer. A place where there's no fucking FEDRA and no fucking Fireflies. A place where you'd have less stress, so fewer attacks." He smiled at you. "How does it sound?"

"Like a fairy tale," you replied.

Joel shifted on the bed so that you could lie down with your head resting on his chest. He started stroking your hair. You were slowly falling asleep. Before you closed your eyes you heard Joel say:

"I will make this fairy tale come true, princess."

*

[eemamminy-art]

I've been sitting on a fic that I finally finished after slowly picking at it for the last two years.

I feel like people don't really talk about this anxiety around sharing things-- I mean, there is always that anxiety of like, is it good, will people like it, stuff like that, but I guess for me the anxiety's a little different. Don't get me wrong I do have the other anxiety too, I'm very self critical and I do not have confidence in my writing in the same way that I (occasionally) have confidence in my art.

But the thing that's got me in a chokehold is well, that fanfic is complicated for me.

I barely read any fic at all. I barely write either, but I think a lot of writers will only put out a couple of things in a year anyway, but they're at least reading things during that time.

I've never been much for reading. Well, maybe when I was very young and just learning to read, but at some point it became really difficult for me. I don't have any official diagnosis and I always got good grades so there was never any cause to look into it, but reading has always been such an ordeal for me. I'll read a page and get so distracted in outside noises or my own thoughts that I have no idea what I just read. I have to concentrate really deeply for anything to sink in, create a voice in my head to read it to me, and even that sometimes doesn't work and I'm really slow. I use a screen reader and that does help but it still takes immense concentration for me.

Then there's just well, my pickiness. If it's boring or out of character, well that just makes it all the more difficult to focus. Too long and the screen reader's voice begins to drone and I tune it out and my thoughts wander away even as I scan the words going by. If it's not tagged well and I run into my trigger (which is often not tagged for at all) then I not only feel like I wasted my time but also am upset and lingering on the trigger for sometimes hours, sometimes days.

So then, what to do when I post a fic? What justification is there for anyone to bother with mine when I won't bother with theirs? Whether my reasons are good enough or not, whether it's easier for them to read than it is for me, whether you say fandom is give and take or not, I feel like I'm not upholding my end of the deal. You read mine, I read yours. Except I don't, other than maybe a handful of things each year.

And I know it's a problem. I know it makes people feel slighted. It's the same way I feel slighted when I try to engage with other artists and they don't give me the time of day or share my art in return, and then I begin to resent them for the rejection. I'm certain the same thing happens to me with fanfic, that I have all these reasons for why I rarely read fic, and then when I read the 2 or 3 fics that I can manage each year, it's a slap in the face to those who weren't among those rare few.

So I feel held back by it. I'm so bad at responding to ao3 comments too because I feel guilt about it, about not participating in the way everyone else does. So I was excited to finally think of an ending to this fic only to just... do nothing with it.

I have to wonder if anyone else experiences this? Or something similar? Or knows at all what I mean?

[tostadamika]

I question my own brainwaves sometimes.

I was drawing Velma & Garfield together for the wheel.

I was also making my own Velma bc I wanted to.

(Velma sketches bc fuck you I love Velma she's so gender.)

Then suddenly my inspiration goes off & I start writing an entire script for a garfield / scooby doo crossover that I entitled:

"Velma & Garfield - Mystery Of The Absent Arbuckle"

And I have all these ideas for it that are weirdly emotional for me-

-It takes place post scooby-doo, where Velma & the gang split up (they're still best friends ofc) & after college Velma deciding to become a solo mystery solver

-She's also lesbian & deeply scared of love bc she thinks she's gonna be rejected forever and doesn't know how to approach another girl

-The villain kidnaps the mystery gang alongside Jon & Lyman & has magic evil powers

-Having Lyman be part of the story as both him and Jon are missing

-Having Scrappy Doo be part of the main team with Garf, Velma & Odie & have the story give him a redemption arc

-It ending with Scrappy initially going to live with Shag & Scoob but then Scooby and Shaggy know he really wants to go with Velma & solve mysteries because he wants to follow in his uncles footsteps & Scooby finally tells Scrappy he's proud & that he's more than good enough to be Velmas dog/partner. So Scrappy finally tells Velma & Velma officially adopts him & they start a brand new mystery inc. team

I put....SO MUCH thought into this & it's been like only 2 hours since I even had the idea in the first place & now I've made like an entire movie in my mind palace & like-

Where the FUCK was this motivation before.

Only within the last few days has my art block started to crack & break down a bit. I'd say today has been the first day that I've felt that love & motivation for art finally show itself again. It feels good.

But holy shit I don't even know if I'll make this story happen or not, like I can't promise Velma & Garfield will see the light of day bc fuck who even wants to see that besides me but-Idk man. Shit's weird as fuck.

Well. For today being the, ahem, my own 'New Era' as I'm finally taking life by the reigns and changing shit & getting back to being okay again, but just, what the fuck. Fucking GARFIELD & VELMA is what made me go "OH FUCK YEAH DUDE LET'S MAKE ART & WRITE SHIT"

Well, at least I also have been able to feel motivation for my oc comic too I guess.

This was a weird rambley post, just wanted to yell at you all.

Here is the wip of the art that caused this. Hopefully it'll turn out good enough.

[frodothefair]

Frodo and Rosie?

So, someone on Ao3 brought up the notion that I could've written Flowers of Mordor also as an OT3, perhaps involving Rosie instead of Marigold. Of course, it wasn't a suggestion or concrit, just an observation, and I said that the way I imagined Rosie, I could not see her with Frodo in any romantic or sexual way -- they are simply not right for each other.

But then, ever since I have been thinking... why not Rosie and Frodo? Granted, this would be a case of heartbreak rather than an OT3, because poly in any capacity is not my cup of tea, but hear me out...

To begin with, here's my view of Rosie, based on what little we know of her in canon:

She's assertive, direct, and has a sharp wit. She basically got Sam to marry her by giving him a tongue-in-cheek ultimatum.

She is feisty and brave, even contrary. When her mother warned her there are "ruffians about," she still broke into song.

She probably brims with endless energy. Having thirteen children, you pretty much have to be that sort of person.

She has several brothers, and no sisters. Every woman I know who has grown up in this environment is not necessarily more masculine, but more self-assured and independent.

She has no known (direct) trauma from the Scouring -- that is, she wasn't in the Lockholes, wasn't kidnapped or violated. If she had trauma like that, Tolkien probably would have mentioned it. Though that's not to say that she was not deeply affected.

In fact, as a result of all of the above, in FoM I've conceptualized Rosie as a bit of a firecracker. She is a natural leader, loves to be the center of attention, and is fiercely protective of her friends. She knows what she wants, and she often gets it. We first "meet" her standing in the middle of the kitchen, telling a "hilarious" story and waving a ladle around as a prop. Sam may even be a little bit afraid of her, and swears that she can read his mind. She is also a little bit manipulative with Marigold, but not in a bad way -- she simply knows which emotional strings to pull. In good time, she will have her own emotional reckoning and her own vulnerable moments, but I won't spoil those yet.

Now, a person like Rosie is perfect as a wife of a pillar of the community, which is what Sam eventually becomes, but can a person like Rosie be with Frodo? Maybe, especially pre-quest Frodo who is more active, but pre-quest Rosie, who is a farmer's daughter, would not have been remotely in the running as a match for Frodo until the War of the Ring (much like WWI) erased many a social boundary.

But more than that, I ultimately felt that Frodo is too head-in-the-clouds, too nerdy and too weird for Rosie. Unlike Marigold, Rosie probably has little interest in books or faraway places. She is more prosaic and maybe altogether "too much" with her love of the spotlight, whereas Frodo, especially post-quest, needs plenty of time to rest to think and feel things that others have no idea about. Marigold, being more introverted and a deep thinker, and also traumatized in her own way, is the delicate flower whose company he needs.

Anyway. Let's say all of the above is true.

And yet, just because two people don't seem to "work" on paper doesn't mean that they can't fall in love, against all odds and logic.

So hear me out...

What if... what IF Rosie marries Sam, and then they move into Bag End, and slowly, ever so slowly as she takes care of Frodo, and listens to his tale, she gains an understanding and a compassion for him that she never thought possible? What if his trauma and courage win her fiery heart, and pity turns to devotion, and then to more, and then Rosie realizes one day, with horror, that she married the wrong hobbit?

And then there's more... Perhaps... Perhaps Frodo could easily feel the same, and succumb to the Florence Nightingale effect, but on account of his illness, he would feel unable to be a partner to anyone, and would be forced to reject her. And then Sam, upon guessing, or perhaps finding out for a fact, would volunteer to step aside, and Frodo would refuse to accept it.

And then what if... what if THIS is the real reason Frodo leaves for Valinor?!

Wouldn't that be trippy??????!!

@konartiste @emmanuellececchi

[listlessnessss]

do my fellow autohomoerotics experience anything similar?

alloandrophilic life cycle:

1.alloandrophilia predictably hits, target is typically a cis man, sometimes a deeply repressed proto-trans woman (it’s easier when it’s parasocial but unfortunately it’s IRL sometimes—sometimes like a lesbian, i choose an unavailable one). the feeling is good, typically, and i have auto-androphilia for him, too. the kind of man i’m attracted to is usually one i’d want to emulate. also the fantasies are super predictably auto-homoerotic as fuck (the idea is i’d also be a guy)

2.I learn that i’m objectively inferior to him because i am (and sometimes it’s because he’s normie in addition to male) i used to approach, but have given that up in recent years after repeated rejections. i get angry, internally, but don’t let it go anywhere. violent thoughts towards myself and others, inc. target. he would also never accommodate my delusions, my sexuality is estrogenic so i think about the future and realize that obviously anyone who is attracted to me is attracted to women and not to autohomoerotic ftms. my blackpills tell me that even well adjusted bi men wouldn’t.(this is due to my horrible personality, so it’s specific to me) i absolutely cannot approach my latest target, it would be inviable due to other unrelated incompatibilities but i won’t get too into that—doesn’t stop the cycle from proceeding.

3.i have thoughts of suicide every day. i rarely can cry, but then i do. (i’m not on testosterone or anything i’m just repressing) for how long these thoughts last depends on how far it got with my delusions. i’m really good at making the cycle go by quickly—classic comphet, i guess i have this in common w the type 1’s. but when i actually have gotten the opportunity to be one of his orbiters, it lasts longer—i’m usually so inferior to his other orbiters. i feel guilty for implicating him.

4.i retreat into a ground state of asexuality, hyper-romantic fanfic-tropey bihet female sexuality. this is my equilibriated comfort zone. of course, i still repress and carry in me intense cross-sex desires. i realize that i am too highly feminine in my thinking- i catch feelings, i’m emotional as fuck, i’m fembrained as all hell, not built for what i perceive from across the cultural and physiological aisle as the casual, animalistic, cult of physical beauty which everything about my socialization and my nerdy femcel predilections has told me i would never in a million years fit into (and on this point i’m right). I have a horrible body and personality, so i find myself falling back on the tropes of cis womanhood when realistically thinking of enticing targets, where almost zero for (gay ftms? they/them perhaps?) exist. I start recovering from my fixation on my alloandrophilic target, and make a return to woman with a private daydream.

written just now in a moment of self-awareness i think… like genuinely what the fuck is wrong.

is this just suicidal or am i a lesbian all along. do others… like me… experience something similar… is this what it feels like to supposed to have been a man yet have a sex drive dominated by estrogen or is this a secret 3rd worse thing? or AUTISM probably? this should be included in a write-up on autistic girls and how we think. i’m throwing things at the wall in the hopes something sticks wrt my guesses here.

is is just me?

[analyzing-people-like-hell]

I've been curious for a whileee, what do you see when you hold up your magnifying glass to me 🔎👁️

a list of characters i relate to: MY MAIN MAN MIN-GI PARK

gravity rises! mabel - she is also literally me

madotsuki (yume nikki)

ENA

michael mell (bmc)

leafy (bfdi)

i don't kin them but they're a huge inspiration: lake (infinity train)

ANALYSIS #5: 06/11/24

My my... another amoeba wriggling under my microscope..? I suppose I have no choice but to poke at these little characters you've provided me...

Surprisingly, I feel a tad confident about this analysis. I'm familiar enough with each of these little goobers to feel like I've gotten a good grasp on what your own goober-ness looks like. But, nothing can be proven just yet. So why don't I depict what I think your background looks like first, hm?

"LORE":

There's one pattern that's abundantly clear throughout each of these characters: you have always managed to be the second option. The abandonment issues are undeniable, and a little concerning. Tell me, have you always felt like the "best friend"? The supporter? The healer or the cheerleader, maybe? Player two? It's like you've never been able to live solely for yourself. There's always somebody who needs your attention, but for some reason they never seem to give that same attention back to you. You're probably just used to it by now, though, the hurt never really eases each time it happens.... When is it your turn to be the main character? When will it be your story? Those questions have plagued you for as long as you can remember.

Adding onto this, I think you care deeply for people, to the point where you've likely been taken advantage of in many instances. You've probably had to learn to stand your ground, but even now you'll have to remind yourself what your limits are sometimes. You try to give your best to people, but sometimes people use it against you. Sometimes it drains you completely, until you have nothing to give. Sometimes you may accidentally hurt them, and the guilt is everlasting. Sometimes they just don't give you anything back. In fact, that seems to happen a lot, doesn't it? Why has it always seemed like people can never give the same back to you? What did you do wrong? The rejection sensitive dysphoria is really showing... And I'm assuming there's a sense of people pleasing buried inside you as well, am I right? It's sad to see. It's sad to watch your brilliance stripped from you like that. To watch you get dragged by people who can't recognize your value. You never deserved that. You still don't.

I feel like your parents play a part in this as well, or rather the emotional absence of them. I don't think they were physically absent, or particularly abusive in how abuse is typically depicted, but they don't seem to really be... there? I could be wrong, and looking too much into small details, but I think it's worth noting. Maybe they've given you expectations that you were simply never able to reach, and it caused small drifts. Maybe they were always just a bit pushy in general. And maybe they were just never good at handling emotions themselves, let alone handling the emotions that were in you. Random question, but have you ever felt trapped inside their home? Trapped by their own opinions, maybe? I can't be sure, but I can guess something along those lines has happened once or twice.

I think I could guess a few other things as well. Let's take a closer look at what's bouncing around in your head. I'm curious..

THE TRUTH:

Ooouhh.... you cry a lot, or you have cried a lot. Either way, you might've been labeled as a "cry baby" or "sensitive" in your very-young years. Or you've probably ended up crying in bathrooms at events like prom. I can imagine it must've taught you how to get better at masking and hiding emotions, but they never go away. Except.. sometimes they do..? Sometimes it feels like a numb void, but even numbness carries a weight of sadness that is too heavy to be released in just tears. It's confusing. It's beenconfusing. And it's been unfair. And yet, it seems like you always believe "toughing it out" is what will solve this pain. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but whether I'm wrong about it or not, I think you should be reminded that you never deserved to be forgotten about. I know "toughing it out" feels like the only solution, and in a way, it kind of is, but that's not the point. It shouldn't be on you to alter yourself to fit the world's perceptions of what's "good human" and "bad human". Be human. All of it. Stop cutting parts of yourself to satisfy people who can't experience hunger.

I'd like to touch back on that thought of "people never give the same back to you". I feel like that's probably what caused you to shut out so many of your emotions. Maybe it's caused you to become more attached to your interests and hobbies. People can hurt you, but your favorite tv shows can't. Your favorite cartoons aren't going to comment on your lifestyle and insist that you're doing everything wrong. I think that's what's added to the daydreamer inside of you. Daydreaming and storytelling has become a safe haven for you. Characters have treated you more like a friend than almost everybody else. Maybe things have gotten better by now, but I don't think it's improved by much. Something feels like the issues you've had in your younger years have just been reshaped in your present life. The loneliness has been patched, but never fully filled. Maybe it never will be. But one day, the patches will be enough for you, and loneliness will simply be solitude. It's okay to be alone.

In fact, why don't I try and outline some of the best parts I can see in you? Loneliness becomes a lot easier to deal with when you realize just how great your own company already is.

YOUR BEST TRAITS:

You're a great supporter. Now, I know with everything else I've described, that can sound a little insulting, but I assure you it's not meant in that way. Yes, it does mean that you are able to greatly support others (which I'm sure you already probably know and might not like being defined as), but it also means you can greatly support yourself. Being good support does not define you as the supporting member. It means you can be a compassionate leader. It means you can keep getting up even when your legs are beat from being pushed around so many times. It means you have the ability to support you. Of course, don't take every challenge on alone, but know that you are far from useless when alone. One day you'll realize that being "the weak link" was always your strongest ability.

I feel like you're pretty sentimental too. It's probably because of how much you value the interests that have helped you at your lowest points, but either way, it's a valuable trait to have. The ability to care deeply for such small things shouldn't be overlooked. It shows your empathy for the world, and your appreciation for the things that most would turn a blind eye to. You care when others don't, and that is beyond important in a world that discourages any form of care. Maybe you've been told to not care so much, and maybe that's prevented you from expressing it outwardly, but if you can care, you should take advantage of it. Who knows, maybe you're the only person left who can care anymore. Don't let them take that away from you. It was never a weakness.

I also feel like you wouldn't back down from standing up for the things you care about. Even if it's through a more quiet method, you still stand up nonetheless. And in a way, quiet determination can be far more impactful and oftentimes it's necessary. You're smart. You know when to get loud and when to hold your cards close. It's unfair that you've had to learn that the hard way, but you understand it nonetheless and it gives you the opportunity to use it for the best. The world needs more people who are willing to care and fight for the right to keep caring. Prove that all your "mistakes" were worth something. Show them you were always worth something. You are the archangel hiding behind the shadows of your wings. Stop suppressing your own light.

Also, yer a little sillay. :3

And with that, I think I'll leave my thoughts here and take my bow.

With utmost gratitude (and hopefully utmost accuracy),

Dr. WZ

[chameleontea]

Disenchanted MCs

Hey guys, I’m back with another installment of ‘I Have Way Too Many OCs’! And what I mean by that is that today I will be sharing my MCs from @disenchantedif‘s game! It’s super good and has a really interesting concept, so be sure to check it out!

Now, if you know me then you’ll know that I like to make different MCs for different routes. So for Disenchanted I have 7 MCs for each species available and to romance the different ROs. 

I can’t draw sadly, so I’ve used @elena-illustration‘s picrew! Anyways, I apologize for the rambling that’s bound to happen. And maybe I’ll share more OCs in the future if I can get over my crippling social anxiety :).

Sabina “Bibi” Fotiou

Gender/Pronouns: Nonbinary, They/Them

Species: Siren (They can transform in water with a deep purple tail, and they only have gills when in the water)

Personality: Bibi has always enjoyed being around people and used to be quite outgoing, but after being unchosen and cast aside by Luci, they've become much more closed off. They still deeply crave people's love and acceptance, but they've grown into an anxious mess that can barely hold a conversation without things turning awkward. They hate how much they've changed and wish that they could get themself back to where they were before, but instead they continue to stick their head in the sand in an attempt to avoid even more rejection.

ROs: Vik/Luci Poly (Viktor has been their greatest source of comfort and support after everything that happened, and they love him dearly. However, they’ve also never been able to fully let go of Lucien...)

Catalina “Lina” Montes-Romero

Gender/Pronouns: Transwoman, She/Her

Species: Banshee

Personality: Lina most likely isn't what people would expect a Banshee to be like. She's super outgoing and perpetually cheerful, always acting kind to people even though she knows that they talk badly about her behind her back. She always tries to stay positive, which isn't something that's easy to do when you can foretell death. But the truth is, the positive attitude is something that she uses to try to help her get through the day. Because she buries all of the negative emotions that come with her premonitions and with her unchosen status deep down inside. She can always feel it lurking inside of her, but she refuses to let it show. Lina is scared of that darkness inside of her taking over one day, so she keeps using her sunny smile to try to keep it at bay. Let's hope that it lasts.

RO: Harlow (Some of these ROs may be switched around, but for now I feel like the two banshees would be a good match since they can understand each other. They’ll probably make me cry though)

Ash Mulligan

Gender/Pronouns: Cis Woman, She/Her

Species: Sorcerer 

Personality: Ash has always been strong. She tries not to take things too personally, so maybe that's why she prefers to try to just move on with her life and forge a new path rather than hold grudges and dwell on what could have been. She's always been more laid-back and go with the flow, so she's going to do what's best for her and not let other people's opinions get in her way. She's never afraid to stand up for herself, but she also has a kind heart for those who make attempts to get to know her without judgment. And if you do end up becoming close to her, be prepared for her affectionate teasing and sarcasm.

ROs: Theo/Cam Poly (I could have made things easier on myself and just gone with the Theo/Vik poly, but I guess that I just like the rivals to lovers drama too much. At least Ash can hopefully stop Theodora from breaking Cameron’s kneecaps too many times...)

Lkhagvasuren “Suren” Munkbat

Gender/Pronouns: Transman, He/Him

Species: Nephilim (His wings are actually blue like a raven’s)

Personality: Suren was always shy and introverted, but he became even more reclusive after the events of his past. Even after the years that have passed, he can't help but feel heavy and weak with grief. Even when he does make a rare public appearance, it's unusual to see him actually speak to anyone other than Viktor and Theo, and the lost expression on his face really speaks for itself.

RO: ??? (Why on earth would I give the most depressed character the Wraith as an RO? I have no clue... but here we are) 

*I wanted to give Suren a Mongolian heritage, so I tried to reflect that in his name. I don’t know too much about Mongolian names though, so if I messed up please let me know and I will correct it! :)*

Levi Dorokhov

Gender/Pronouns: Cis Man, He/Him

Species: Basilisk

Personality: Levi has been stoic ever since he was a child, so it's hard to tell if he's always been so emotionless or if the trauma of his past caused him to lock away his emotions even tighter. There just seems to be numbness inside of him most of the time. Sure, he loves his friends and he enjoys things like reading and napping in the sun, but verbally and physically expressing his emotions is something that he just doesn't know how to do currently. If he tries to think about his emotions and their meaning for too long his brain just begins to short circuit. So it's easier to just float through life and not question the strange emptiness inside of him.

ROs: Charlie/Avery Poly (I have no clue how this will work out seeing as both Levi and Avery are emotionally constipated. At least Charles is good with expressing emotions, but it seems like he’s also not the best at recognizing romantic feelings, so really it’s just going to be a mess. But a fun mess hopefully)  

Aziz Khan

Gender/Pronouns: Agender, Xe/Xem

Species: Draca (Xyr scales are supposed to be a deep green color)

Personality: Aziz could be described as materialistic and self-absorbed, which is definitely a stereotype that xyr species knows well. But really, at this point, xe doesn't care anymore. People have been talking bad about xem and tarnishing xyr name for so long that xe can't even be bothered to try to prove them wrong. In xyr mind people will never see them in a positive light anyways, so why spend any energy trying to convince them? No, instead Aziz does whatever xe wants whenever xe wants. It may not be the best tactic to make friends with, but xe was never much of a people person anyways. Xe doesn't have the energy to care anymore.

RO: Penelope (She seems like a ride or die, and Aziz definitely could use more of that in xyr life. Also, I think that xe would get heart eyes if xe saw her get into a fight with someone or chew them out)

Mika Eskelinen

Gender/Pronouns: Genderfluid, Any Pronouns

Species: Cambion (They do not have wings)

Personality: Mika may have some anger issues... but after everything that they've been through can you really blame them? All of Mika's emotions are explosive, whether they're throwing a punch or shrieking in delight. And the one thing they do better than anything else is hold a grudge. They've always been rebellious and mischievous, and that certainly hasn't stopped now. You better always keep an eye out for their next scheme, or else their next victim may just be you.

RO: Ami (Someone please stop them, they are out of control. Imagine the chaos these two could get into together. Also, imagining the absolute breakdown that Amrita’s parents would have after finding out that their daughter is dating a cambion makes me smile) 

------

So that’s all for now! Maybe if I have more to say about them in the future then I’ll make another post. For now I’ll just sit here and feel bad about all the different ways I made their trauma affect them. Hopefully you guys like them though. I love my children, and I’m excited to see where the story takes them. 

Also, I did not proof-read this. So apologies if there are any mistakes lol.