#guess people don't care for this concept?
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speaking of "getting into christianity" from that grimes tweet from that post I just reblogged, I have a funnyish story from my fiance re a convo he had with my mom over christmas that is sooo revealing about religious folks and how they don't really believe that people who don't believe in god don't believe in god. let me explain:
I got this second hand from him, but my fiance was talking to my parents and somehow religion came up. my parents are practicing catholics, go to church, yadda yadda. my fiance graciously said something to the effect "I'm glad you guys were able to find community after moving here through your church, and I'm glad it can bring something positive to people, but it's not for me" and my mom said "well I think you should give it a try." now if you knew my mom, you'd know that this was like...like a kindly suggestion. not aggressive. she often says dumb ass things out of love with no real understanding of what she says. but the point I'm making now is that you can only think this makes sense to say if the core concept behind "I don't believe in god" is actually a belief in god. It's like they don't get it. You can't not believe in god, you only say that because you don't like god, or think he's uncool, or inconvenient, or whatever. You want to piss off your parents. You don't want to think about morality. You are rejecting god intentionally, rather than intentionally having a philosophy that does not require a god to exist in any form, whatsoever.
how do you "try" religion if you do not hold the fundamental belief of it. it's literal dogma. Sure, I can "try" going to church just for community, and "try" participating in it hollowly just to get the benefits, but shouldn't that be, like, offensive? if you truly believe in the dogma and theologies of that religion? But to people like my mom, I guess that doesn't matter because you would just manifest a belief in god? or doing the motions is good enough? or it's ego soothing for her (and she does suffer from main character syndrome lol)? I just find it so funny to think about. They can't conceptualize that "I don't believe in god" in the exact same way "I don't believe in Santa Clause" or "I don't believe in a 600 foot serpent wearing a birthday hat and playing a kazoo is curled around the earth's core." It's like they just don't get it lol. Probably because if they allowed themselves to get it, they would instantly...start realizing how bomb and cool and easy it is to just be like "oh yeah who cares about all that" lol.
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pokeani where everything is the exact same but Zoey was allowed to be even more butch
#my pokeani thoughts lack relevance or meaningful insight#but they're correct. to me personally. and that's what matters#i mean idk. some of them aren't. i don't stand by some old posts but so it goes.#i still get notes on 2+ year old posts and it's like whyyyy are you here and howwww did you find this#but if people are still finding and enjoying old shit i've said then sure. go off. have fun. i'll just die mad about it ddfjhdsksf (joking)#if I deleted and ran from the concept of ever having been cringe then i would have nothing to my name and that feels worse than being cring#e.#i have confidently said some very silly things in my life. just in general. and I will continue to do so. and it'll be fine.#my own brain cares more about that than my friends do so it's a me problem to be honest. and that's comforting.#ok we've gone from butch zoey to 'here's how to comfort your brain during an RSD episode' so i guess we're done here.
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i know i shouldnt dwell on stupid opinions like this but a while ago i saw someone complain that Applin was a boring concept bc its just a worm in an apple and i was FLOORED. this iirc was in response to smth about gen 1 designs being boring as well
its not just a worm its a Wyrm its a pun. that is a concept. maybe you don't like it personally but to say its objectively bad is certainly Something. not every pokemon has to be based on a myth or something else fantastical to be a good concept. you Need "boring" pokemon for the dex to feel complete, if Everything is Cool then nothing is actually cool
"gamefreak is running out of ideas" yeah there's a billion fish pokemon but they're all actually very different to each other, lanturn is an anglerfish and lumineon is a butterfly fish. say what you will abt gamefreak rn its probably warranted but imo the one thing they still do right 100% of the time is unique concepts for each pokemon. the execution can be debated but the fundamentals are always there
#clai speaks#does this make sense#i get so annoyed every time i see the ''they're running out of ideas!!!!'' thing parroted all the time i had to say SOMETHING#like yeah you're gonna find some pokemon boring. theres a thousand of them now with all different designs#theres no way all 1000 are going to cater to you specifically. impossible#but to then fault the ENTIRE THING. get mad at people when they like the mon you think is lazily designed or boring or whatever#sorry not every pokemon can have the lore relevance of cosmog or reshiram or ogerpon? i guess????#you Need some toned down concepts for a good creature collector. or any game with a vast array of enemies to fight#are you expecting to go to route 1 and find reality-bending dragons there?#honestlyyyyy i don't actually even think gen 1 designs are Boring. yeah they aren't at the same standard as modern mons#but for the time they were perfectly acceptable. its been almost 30 years yeah things will change#maybe i;m just mad bc i'm a huge fan of several ''boring'' mons. fearow is so bland but i love it a lot#all the regional birds actually. no 1 unfezant defender#idk i should stop here i'm rambling too much. point is. i just wish people would stop treating opinions as objective fact#you dont like applin. thats cool. others do tho stop being pushy about it ok#i realize now maybe its hypocritical to complain abt others having these opinions its just. the way they always present it irks me yknow???#ahhh whatever. i think i;m making myself mad now JHDBJHBHJF#guy cares too much about pokemon opinions pt 126736
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Honestly the most mystifying thing about the New England Discourse is that people didn't just learn them as a boxed set?? I feel like New England is just one of those organizational categories like it's just a place where the rest of the country sticks those states they forget the name of. Genuinely confused to find out other people think it's a thing you can apply for membership in
#i mean i guess it's also a cultural area (<- you did not hear me use that term. i have no idea who wissler is) but like#idk man that does feel a little silly considering the cosmic insignificance of new england#(also the concept of culture areas in general because jk i do know what they are and they're Not A Thing)#it would be one thing if the people in the notes were like lmao i forgot what states were in it#but it's people insisting they should include their states??? literally what?????? i didn't realize it was something to be debated#i thought it was just one of those regions you learned in 4th grade geography but ah well. we know how good tumblr did at that#maybe this is not how the category of new england works for other people though. either way new york is not admitted on pain of death#perce rambles#i don't really care if people know what states are in new england tbh. just if they start making outlandish claims :///
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Ep 5!!!
#Episodes that make me go “The author has never talked with a woman ever” 😓😓😓#I don't like how Lucy's character is handled at all. And I feel like I can't talk about it because I'm just going to sound like a bitter–#ss/kk shipper... But I really don't like it. And if it can help my case I'm a multishipper so I really don't take any–#issues with atsu/lucy I like the ship quite a lot actually.#So you're telling me there's this girl... Who meets this boy who pretty much ruined her life by directly causing her to lose her job...#And the next time she sees him she's going to sacrifice her own freedom for him as well as tell him “when you're done doing your things–#come and save me” (longest ewwww ever)... And when she regains freedom (author didn't bother to explain how because they don't care)–#she goes to work... As a waitress at the café beneath his workplace. So he can keep doing his Cool Superpowers Job while she literally–#must serve him every time he visits the place. It's just ?????????????????????????????????#Look‚ I don't dislike Lucy and I feel general affection towards her. It's just that they make her act like no one ever would#Just for the sake of the plot I guess#And like I knoww it's (probably just a little) more nuanced than that. I know Lucy is living her own fairy tale fantasy.#It's just that what I've said about her story is still true‚ you know?#I'm sorry but as sweet as atsu/lucy can be. I really hate the author for making Lucy a waitress. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.#It's so weird. This anime has women writing standards that feel like dating back to the 20s#Same with Katai and the ideal woman tbh. Like why are women to be seen as this abstract impersonal entities? Why can't they just be people?#Ideal for WHO. It's like super screwed up of a concept. What even is an ideal woman? What does it mean to be a woman anyways?#They just want to say “ideal wife”. But women aren't made to be wives their existence isn't functional to another person.#Sorry. I derail. Next episode is going to be even worse on this front ughhhh#Back to the episode: once again it really shows they were running out of budget with this season‚‚‚ the animation looks very suffered#Too many flashback also... I feel bad for the animators tbh#I don't really like the shift in art style :( Not even Atsushi I found particularly pretty this episode my heart cries#The nail pulling thing made me feel like throwing up afhsjyabfsbfwasfvb I feel like I can bear worse gore but there's a couple of little–#specific things I can't stand and this seems to be one of them pffftttt#I like Higuchi I think she's both very funny and cool. I really wish she was explored more (but then again looking at Teruko... )#The relationship between Kunikida and Katai looks so interesting even though we only get glimpses of it. Kunikida regrets Katai leaving–#the ada but is also happy for him but also worries for him. He comes to his house seemingly to check on him and starts cleaning around.#The way he loves him and cherishes their friendship and shared history is really evident and it makes for a compelling dynamic.#Perhaps I should read their short story... In any case. Going to someone's house and compulsively start doing the dishes half out of will–#to help out half because he can't bear the mess sounds a lot like something I'd do lol
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I feel like the post I just reblogged pointing out the all-or-nothing in how many people interact with their deconstruction of systems of oppression is resonating for me right now with so many different moments in my life where someone decides that because some part of myself has access to some of the levers of control/influence/etc that come with the relationship to power, and decides what that must mean about all the other parts of me that might be explicitly refused access to those same levers.
It has happened in so many spaces/aspects of my life, and it can be so hard to feel safe and seen and trusting of others when that's my chronic relationship to being perceived - half truths and obfuscation.
It doesn't really change regardless of who's doing the assuming either. Like, where they land in relation to systems of power may influence which direction they lean in their assumptions about me, but even that is often inconsistent. Both sides of the equation (those who share my marginalizations and those who exist in spaces of closer proximity to power) will still do it nonetheless.
When I was doing my liminal social identities work in undergrad, this was actually a big part of the conceptualization we explored of traumtic alienation of self as individual from self as collective, and what it can do to people to exist in this liminal relationship with your environment and the people in it. As I'm starting to gather my thoughts about my stress modeling, this conceptualization is bubbling back to the surface. I'm finding myself meandering through it on both a path specifically my own, and in an effort to better understand what other paths may be available to people during their version of the process/experience.
Selfhood is so fragile, and so in need of balance between self-construction and co-construction for us humans, and that gives us so many beautiful, even spiritual, experiences of meaning making and generativity of self. It also createa many pivot points where we may find room in our path for vulnerability or blurring of self. As much as these pivot points can be distressing, I think they also sometimes become our foundations of change/personal evolution, when we find that through the distress of existing in shift, something meaningful is occurring or observable in our experience of self-in-transition.
I think something I've valued especially about my own relationship with self is its transience. It doesn't always end up somewhere I would be happy to sustain, but it always allows me a degree of comfort in complexity that I think has made my body-mind a safer place for me overall.
#one day i will understand how to convey self in a way that is Mine and also Effective Communication#but lord knows it ain't today#it's always so interesting to me the way people decide to position me in their social/power schema#the funny thing i think is that even as a toddler people seemed to assign me a seriousness and gravity of social value that was both#irrational and inexplicable and in many cases wildly inappropriate#apparently one of my auntie's got in a bad way of 'consulting' me like her personal spiritual guide when I was like#two years old????#and she had to be like#you can't keep talking to my toddler about this stuff#that's an extreme one but like#it's also in line with the trend#i don't think people realize how dehumanizing it feels to be Assigned Moral and Social Weight and Value like that#it makes it so painfully clear to me that i am expected to manage to accommodate everyone's needs while never having#or at least never expressing or acknowledging in the presence of others#any needs of my own regardless of their impact on me#sometimes I think people assume that I went into the fields I did as like. a white knight type motivation#or like#that going into the field is what's made me the way I am#and like.#not really. it's more that I knew my role in life was 'other people's emotional regulation/go-to anchor' as long as I've had self-concept#and at a certain point you've been playing that role long enough that your options are either#become a subject matter expert and contributer to the field#or fucking kill yourself#because you certainly can't keep doing what you're doing#i dunno. i guess i just wished there was anyone in my life i trusted to see me as the fully complexified and messy human I am#i might feel a little less like i'm the only real thing in my life#anyway i think i'm gonna go. dissociate out of existence for a while before i get the kind of suicidal that's going to worry wifey#i don't think i can cope with needing to regulate her out of an anxiety response right now and i understand that means i can't need care atm#you ever just get the feeling that you're drowning under the weight of the needs you just can never seem to meet? i do.
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revitalizing ~20 year old half-baked satyr OCs solely so nyssa can have someone to fuck
#cursed to not care enough to draw anything that isn't A Character rather than just random guys but also to be bad at coming up with them#too shy to dip into other people's OCs and nyssa's kind of hard to pair satisfyingly with most of my own current OCs actually :')#[picks up half-baked vague concept high school OCs] [puts them down as half-baked vague concept adult OCs] perfect 😌#also LAUGHING at myself I forgot the middlest brother had. curly auburn hair and green eyes kdfhjgkdjdg#THROW ONE MORE ON THE PILE THEN I GUESS!! COMBINATION OF ALL TIME IDK WHAT TO SAY#I mean in fairness some of nyssa's design was probably recycled FROM him#like I don't think I ever expected to have more than one *satyr specifically* with those traits lol#about me#my OCs#nyssa
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it sucks to have no one to talk about the big emotions to because they're either too close to you or too far away... i simply don't know how to cope with real life and i don't know how people do
#my guess is everyone fakes it until they die and they don't center their entire lives on negative emotions and thought patterns but that's#just a guess LMAO#i think i lost the genetic lottery and not bc i'm ugly or anything like that like i could care less whether i'm seen as ugly or pretty atp#but just like. mentally. i wasn't given a great hand... which sucks because otherwise i think my family is fine but we all wind each other#up in the worst ways and i know all that it would take to change my current horrible ugly thought patterns is to slowly change my life#likeeee trust me... i'm trying... but it's so so hard when you feel grief for every little change#which is why i think i'm not equipped for real life. imagine what'll happen when the ppl i love the most leave me. bc i always imagine it#which is stupid because i know it's because they're all i have! my life is so small the only thing that exists within it is my loved ones!#they would suffocate under the weight of my love for them if i was able to show it better lmao :/ probably good that i can't bc i'd be in#tears near-constantly if so. and i hate crying in front of people#i mean i hate crying period which is totally great for my emotional regulation i assure you#idk... i know the world isn't 'supposed' to be easy#that's a concept our entire universe doesn't understand#the only things that are real are life and death and how you get from one to the other#but. still. i just wish i didn't have such a hard to being alive#ik i complain abt this shit everyday LMAO but it's hard not to when you have nothing else to think about#tbh i get why people work and have families and stuff now. when you have all that practical stuff to think about#you don't have time to be constantly in your head about every horrible possibility. unless of course you're me who couldn't get out#of my own head even when i had a full-time job... is there any actual way to get better? sometimes i feel like it's a myth
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got angry at a story last night
#uh not gonna tag this for visibility#mainly cause I don't know HOW to tag it lmao#I'm just angy cause like YES corpo zoos are bad because the people running it care more about the money than the animals#but there ARE zoos that want to help animals and put in the effort for them#and like it's so important especially for endangered species#but that's like just my general issue with zoo hate#THIS story pissed me off because it left no room for debate#and and it was framed in an 'objectively correct' light#I am like 90% sure the author is just a kid and this might be an early project of theirs#in a perfect world zoos would not exist#unfortunately humans are cruel#and sometimes zoos are the only way to prevent the cruelty from causing extinction#yeah my thoughts r all over the place lol#I'm just always confused because I am NOT a confident writer#I'm constantly looking up words and concepts I'm not familiar with to at least get a basic grasp of things#so when I witness people NOT doing that by having critical typos or obviously non-researched topics im like#what do you guys do with all that confidence??#I guess post your stories lol#I'm out here looking at my dozens of WIPs that have never seen the light of day
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So there's that D&D class quiz going around, & I took it & was so deeply offended I got Paladin.
& so I have had conversations with both Bestie & Birdfriend about this grave insult & they both were like, "Well... They have a point?" & informed me that my desire to absorb hits meant for others & deep drive to help whenever I actually can & strong convictions make me a bit Paladin-coded.
& I am just so... Idk. It's just interesting to get glimpses of yourself from other people's POVs. To be told that my defining characteristics are protecting & healing others & being incredibly fighty about the things I care about... Especially as someone whose brain specifically fixates on whether I care enough, do enough, give enough... Yeah. It's just kinda wild.
Anyway, I'm now adjusting my self-perception to include the fact that if I were a D&D character, I would be an Oath of the Ancients Paladin & not a wizard & that actually that's okay.
#I don't Believe many things#because I prefer to stay open to new perspectives#& think that a balanced approach to life involves embracing a certain level of ambiguity in reality#but the things I do Believe in?#Oh I Believe them with all my heart.#I don't know how my belief system will change in the future#But I do know that above all else I believe in Kindness#Kindness to yourself Kindness to everyone around you Kindness to nature#The point of society is to ensure Everyone is treated well & can enjoy existence as much as possible#The point is Joy. The method is Kindness.#& if you aren't fighting for Everyone to be taken care of & respected & treated with Kindness#then I am not interested in your revolution.#If you hate the people against you more than you love the people you're fighting for?#You're missing the goddamn point.#(Please note I'm speaking of Kindness as a separate concept from Niceness.)#(Sometimes you cannot be Kind without being Not Nice to someone who is doing unkindnesses.)#(But I feel like a lot of people mistake that concept for an excuse to deny those they disagree with Kindness.)#(& my dudes you don't actually have principles if they only apply to people you like & agree with.)#There is no freedom until everyone is free includes the people you don't like.#While I am not free right now due to my various axes of oppression & the oppression others face#I'm also not gonna be free if we straight up murder & imprison the current oppressors#Trading one oppressive system for another isn't actually all that radical???#Just 'cause you think 'the right people' are being oppressed doesn't make oppressing them okay?#Like I'm a leftist because I believe Literally Everyone should be allowed to live whatever fulfilling life they want#so long they as aren't doing a damage to someone else in order to do so.#Not because I think I think the wrong people are oppressed.#Hm now that I've written this fucking essay on ethics in my tags#I am seeing Bestie & Birdfriend's points...#Birdfriend legit said that I'm the '**smacks others while screaming** BE! KIND! TO! EACH! OTHER!' type of Paladin.#I guess they were right.
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I either need to accept that I am just a way stronger person than this friend and can handle way more while still being able to engage with the world as a person, or recognize excuses as excuses, accept that I am not valued and be done or. Maybe both. Idk. It might be somewhere between the two. I am just sick of regular life stuff rendering him unable to spend any time with me, and of him being unable to bear any of the details of my life, when I would move mountains to rekindle our friendship. Though I'm starting to wonder if I still would.
#faer personal files#i just. really didn't want officiating his wedding to be our last hurrah of friendship even though i did kind of feel it coming#also i'm really sick of being infantilized for my chronic fatigue i am a grown adult and i know what i'm capable of#ugh. maybe i'm just being awful and not understanding in which case i'm too much of a rancid person to be his friend i guess#but i don't think that's the case#idk i'll never forget when i couldn't see this dude for a year even masked up outside for covid but when another of our old friends came up#from her job doing COVID RELATED CROWD CONTROL FOR THE FUCKING ARMY he went on a hike with her mask off#and i think that says a lot about what our friendship's been for years honestly. if he can't bear my company idk why i try#if i'm just an interesting prop for conversations and occasions but not a friend. i can't accept that#i am an interesting prop for conversations. the disabled genderfluid bisexual genius who lost everything bc of said disability#but i didn't lose everything i just have to fucking rebuild on new ground. and i am doing that. i whine on occasion but i am so strong#and i do know how to interact with people without traumadumping i haven't on him in YEARS but his concept of me crystalized at age 21#or something like that i guess. idk it just breaks my heart#bc for a long time he was my person. he was the only person who knew the authentic me. more even than my sisters at times.#and yeah that was a little unhealthy but at the time he craved that!!!#and then i grew up and stopped needing him like that around the same time he stopped wanting that and it should have been fucking fine#but like. even senior year of college when i was sick it was already starting to fall apart#like i remember being on a small hike once being exhausted and jokingly being like you gotta carry me back and then being like#no really i might actually need an arm to lean on by the end of this walk if i'm gonna make it back to the car i really don't know if i can#and he said no bc he didn't want to look straight. who the fuck CARES??? i could barely walk i was stumbling my way back annoying him going#too slow. fuck. and that really has been what our friendship has been for years. the minute my house wasn't the most convenient place it wa#more or less dead idk why i keep dragging this horse around#idk why i keep letting him break my heart like this it's so stupid he's never gonna care about me like he did when i was quick and brillian#but never quite as smart as him in his view. fuck him. i'm smarter. just bc i was a little gullible or paranoid at times bc of the#FUCKING CPTSD doesn't mean i was dumber than him. the fuck??? there's something wrong with me i swear idk why i hang on#anyway i'm irritated. but i'm also reluctant to throw away somebody who's seen me through key points in my life. so.
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i feel like one of the things that makes my new project so intriguing to me is just how childish and friendly it all feels. like. it's a partially-illustrated chapter book you pick up in your third-grade elementary library and never really forget nor remember. it doesn't have as much depth as some other things that i've worked on but it's so warm and that makes up for it all.
#like. if i do end up going forward with this project#i do really just wanna make it a short chapter book#with illustrations and whatnot#like. i don't think i've really gone over the plot much (because i just solidified it out today lol) but#a young girl (mila) goes missing from her royal family . she doesn't quite remember how but doesn't necessarily appose the idea either#she's autistic and still a child so royal life is unappealing to her#eventually- around 30 miles from her hometown- she ends up in a small village where she's befriended by the locals#and the creatures alike#i've forgotten to mention this but it's a high fantasy story mostly involving silly little flying fish and dragons and birds and the like#mila finds solace in these creatures as they don't expect her to follow rules that she doesn't understand#and learns all about all different types of people#when the royal family finally comes searching for her- almost 3 years later#she doesn't want to go back#as she's finally found a family of her own#that treats her with respect and cares about her own needs#like. that's about it but it all feels so childish and i'm getting used to the idea in many ways#but it deals with identity and growing up and. that's what i tend to write about#so i guess it's nothing out of the ordinary!#it's just me writing a concept that's a bit difficult to discuss for me because it seems like it'd be frowned upon by my current friends#but. i'm trying to get more comfortable with it#mila silliest ever
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ugh there's people on my reddit referring to murderbot as "they" and it legit makes my skin crawl
#herr's personal tag#ughhhhhhhh#this is so just me projecting but#i don't necessarily always care about misgendering#i just don't have any feelings on gender other than “seems important to some people i guess” and “sounds made up tho”#(and i try to be quiet about it for the most part since some people interpret it as me being transphobic)#but like.my own reaction to people “misgendering” me is a range from “oh that is an interesting take” to “oh nice that was nice do it again#so it just. doesn't always necessarily register i guess#but mb's different. it's not a human it does not want to be a human.#and i understand that “they” is a natural reaction to someone who's specifically neither male not female#but#mb's specifically not they either.#mb's whole deal is that it isn't default anything and also lowkey makes most people uncomfortable if they ever find out what it is#(which is likely also how i would feel about the concept of gender if i didn't get assigned one before i could ever make a conscious choice#(so i guess it just. also makes me personally feel weird when mb gets misgendered lol)#(hence the “i know im projecting but”)
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The world is set on prescriptivism and... it doesn't jive with me
#I could elaborate on what I mean; but I don't see much point when it's not like anyone's even gonna see this#and I just kinda doubt that anything I'd have to say here would be all that insightful anyway#but I just find myself a descriptivist living in a world full of prescriptivists#which maybe that sounds silly; but I promise I mean something specific with it#and a lot of what I mean boils down to the concept that almost everyone seems to 'know' the right way to go about this or that#where as me... the more I live the more I find everyone's path is unique; and the stuff that worked for me isn't a good fit for everyone#and on the inverse; things that make me miserable might be exactly what someone else needs#every solution needs to be custom tailored to fit the person who uses it; that's what I find#(you can make some general guesses or nudges; but you're going to need to treat the patient; not the chart)#(ie; you're gonna need to actually engage with the specific person and figure out what works; not just toss generalisims at them)#so that's my stance; I don't try and say how things should be (when it comes to people) I just try and see how they are and go from there#...that's not how much of anyone else tends to view things; so I find anyway#everyone always has infinite advice about how you can do exactly what they think would fix your situation#and it comes from a place of caring; doesn't it? they say do this cause they're convinced that's what you need to do#but... both for me and for others I find it's rarely that simple; if it was that easy they'd have already done it#it's like my last therapist; all these ideas about what I needed to do (that were dumb; but had a kernel of sense in them)#(things like his suggestion I play pvp in a game with bad pvp and also I hate pvp)#(when the better suggestion was to group more; because the point was to get out of my comfort zone in low risk ways)#but he had all these ideas and it felt like he got very frustrated when I wasn't moving forward; so... I quit seeing him#and... turns out what I needed to move forward was to wait like a year or two for a big shake up#where I finally had the chance to leverage things into owning my house... and then I could actually act again#like right now I may be stuck; but not like then; I actually do have many ways forward that I can try and work on things#(and... I slowly try to... I'm not why people seem so convinced that I haven't thought of trying to move forward...)#(I just suck and it takes me a long time... way longer than I'd like... but I do try and keep moving forward)#eh... why do I even bother writing shit like this?#mm tag so i can find things later
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It's me. I'm the cis, heterosexual, aromantic man. I will never marry, I will never be married, I will grow into middle age and elder age and I will die unmarried. I will be forced to support a household of myself on only my wages alone for the rest of my life. I will be asked about women and marriage and children by my family for the rest of my life (or men, the progressive ones might say). I may not ever come out to them. I feel like I burned my coming out on something stupid. I don't want to explain it. I don't want to run them through the definitions and intricacies. I don't want the acceptance without understanding, placating me with ceased questions and poor explanations to other, drunk adults.
I like my hair to be long, I spent a year with it dyed a golden blonde with dark roots because I like the trashy party girl aesthetic. I want to dye it again with pink tips. I like painting my nails, black and blue are my favorite colors. I like wearing chokers. I also like wearing baggy jeans and ratty hoodies. I like having stubble. I like having chest hair. I like having a square jaw and broad shoulders. I wish I had a flatter stomach and a thinner profile frame. I don't know what this makes me, perhaps this is something no more GNC than Machine Gun Kelly. I think about this a lot, how queer my appearance truly is. I should think about it less. I have thought long and hard about if I could be trans or if I could be non-binary or if I could be genderqueer and the conclusion I ultimately came to is that I most enjoy being a man open to whatever self-expression I want.
I don't date, but I've thought about it. I would like to meet people, and I would like to have sex with them. But I don't want to hurt them. I fear if I explain what I am beforehand it'll scare them away. I fear if I explain after they'll feel manipulated or abused. I don't know how many people in the dating scene want what I want. I fear my own lack of experience will make me a bad lay, an embarrassing story to tell to confidants in hindsight. I fear my own virginity, a boundary to those I wish to be like. All of these fears are baseless, as I've not been able to even begin a single relationship in my life. Despite this I still heavily identify with terms like "slut" and "manwhore" and "thot" because my interests lay so deeply within casual sex, sex without great intimacy or emotion. This may be some form of stolen valor. I hope the true sluts are not too mad at me.
I made this blog several years ago because a mutual of mine reblogged memes making fun of aro and ace people, making fun of the concept of aphobia, and in addition well known aphobes. I didn't feel comfortable talking about aro stuff on my main blog, for as little as I talk about it. Living through the ace discourse of the 2016 era has largely caused me to cringe in embarrassment any time I am forced to discuss my orientation with people who aren't aro or ace themselves. I no longer follow this person. I unfollowed many people I was mutuals with from that time, most of them because they posted too often about how much they hated men and I didn't want to see that, some because our interests simply drifted too far apart, only one for explicit aphobia reasons. (Also one because they became a "both sides are bad, any vote is wasted" libertarian, but that's unrelated.)
I guess at this point I don't care deeply about what strangers on the internet think of me. If a trusted friend told me that they don't think I'm truly queer that may hurt. But I am going to continue to use the word for myself. I take up no resources. I go to events that are open to me. If an event was not open to me, I think I'd not want to go anyways. I am not a hypothetical, I am not a strawman, I am a person with lived experiences both within and exterior to the queer community. If you hate me, I will permit you to continue to do so. But ultimately, I am who I am, I cannot change these facts, and I would not choose to do so even if I could.
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Shifting proof, you're not wasting your time.
"My beloved, the distances between us have been erased, I am here, I am here."
(If anyone is able to guess which song lyric I translated here I will love you for all my existence)
If you're doubting shifting, then read this:
Let's dive into your mind. Most importantly, into your dreams.
Have you ever realised why you dream? Dreams are just for your subconscious mind to reherse your current reality, in practice all its doing is to ensure you don't fall out of your reality.
No matter how insane of a dream you're having, it has some resemblance with the life you are currently leading. Have you ever tried to figure out just how weird the whole concept of dreams are? For example, it's common knowledge to everyone, even antishifters, that lucid dreams are a thing. Meaning you can literally play around in your mind. When you sleep, do you realise the passage of time? Sometimes your sleep stretches on for long and you don't realise you've slept that much, sometimes, dream cover a lot within a short cycle of sleep. So what proof of time could you possibly present to yourself during your hours of slumbers, where is this clock that's supposed to dictate your life?
Sometimes you don't even dream, although unconscious processes are going on in your human brain, but where are you? In the void, you're floating around somewhere in the void, without any care of your reality for once, this is called your common consciousness, or just the void state.
Whenever you wake up from a deep sleep, you feel disoriented and confused, you hear conversations and imagine things which didn't happen, there is no literal proof that these happenings are just caused by general grogginess. This confusion is your consciousness readjusting to the reality you're in.
Let's discuss what all of this science and physics is. It's essentially just a method your consciousness put up in order for you to not fall out of reality, and to not have to face thanos out of nowhere, therefore logic exists.
We are from our roots just souls floating around in nothingness, we're souls capable of creation of anything by thoughts, will, and energy. We need a medium for suitable existence, for all of the people existing alongside us, what we have in common is that our consciousness has chose a similar mode of existence for us, which is by living as human beings on this livable spherical ball, where we accept the principles of luck.
Why does a system of being ridiculed by your environment and people around you and the formation of unwanted doubts exist whenever you claim something "impossible" by human terms, for example, if you assumed and started claiming the sun rising from the opposite direction as the truth, that's going to become your base since you are creating reality, therefore you will break reality and to prevent it you yourself once put these limitations, just like how you script your DRs.
But once you realise the fact that all along this organised way of existence was put up by you in order to excite your consciousness by going through these experiences, you'll realise shifting realities, manifesting, or just going back to floating as a soul in the void is a known principle for you and easy, and you don't have to struggle to gain it, you've been doing it all your existence, then you'll shift on command.
Reality is just like a dough, which you have been molding and adjusting it accordingly.
Shape that dough into your DR
It's you. It's always been you, you've been the main provider and controller, you've just temporarily gone to existing in the form of a human vessel, breaking free is nothing difficult.
Anyways, belief in this is all you need to shift, it's freaking easy even if it's just you going to your DR to get railed. "But doubts-!!" Shush. If doubts are able to stop a process for you, you could also utilise them in a way which benefit you, from this moment do a complete uno reverse card on your doubts, you used to doubts your manifestations, go ahead and start doubting your existence being anything but perfect.
"I don't think I can be a common human being weeping over mere earthly problems, all ill ever be is a master manifestor who could do whatever I want."
...
I finished this draft at 5:55.
Now that I think about it shifting using doubts could be pretty neat, but I still have another 2 methods bending from the poll, so that's on my pending list I guess.
This entire post was a rant from my side so if there is anything confusing or out of place, just ask. Ask away until your little heart is satisfied and then go shift because what are you doing here when you could just go study at hogwarts where the stairs try to put you in your grave.
...
#reality shifting#shiftblr#shifting#shifting antis dni#shifting blog#shifting motivation#shifters#shifting community#desired reality#shifting stories#shifting realities#shifting consciousness#law of assumption
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